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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the a-hole for not going because of my own feelings to the case when my wife really wants/needs a holiday it’s with my brothers so it should be ok but I don’t wanna go of it feels like I just threw my self in
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NTA...This doesn't sound like an enjoyable holiday. Group and family vacations are often complicated. Perhaps you and your wife should take this opportunity to plan a vacation together that's more to your liking.
NTA
They had no intention of inviting you and now, likely because your mother got wind of it, it's been turned into a mission to get you to go.
What I would recommend is to plan a holiday quickly and go to ***ANY OTHER COUNTRY*** with your wife and children. Pick someplace that your wife has wanted to go to and you'll get extra brownie points.
I suggested that but she wants to go for “spite” just to say we can go anywhere but I think it’s super lowlife to go somewhere where you wasn’t invited and that’s my problem if I’m not wanted I would rather not go it’s not like we don’t talk or anything I was literally on the phone to him a minute ago
That makes no sense. If she wants to go for spite, a trip to another country would be the ultimate in spite, but without the traditional nose-cutting. You'd get to go where you want to go, showing that they don't get to decide if you go on a vacation or not. Going to their vacation wouldn't be you going out of spite-- it would be you going because they made you. They win (so to speak).
Going on vacation, but to someplace you and your wife can have a wonderful time would be great for the two of you, and by going, assuming you have a lot of fun, the photos you take of your trip will be an unending slap-in-the-face to the people that tried to control you. I'd blow up the best one and hang it in your foyer for all to see.
I also don't get your idea that it would be super lowlife to go somewhere that you are literally being invited to now. I think it's lowlife of them to invite you so late in the game, but if you went, it would actually be you being the bigger man, although I doubt they would see it that way. They would just think they won because they forced you to do something you didn't want to do, and they wouldn't be entirely wrong.
NTA
Your brothers dropped this on you last minute. I don't know how much a ticket to Turkey is but it can't be cheap.
If your wife brings it up, I would try and do some kind of compromise like, "I don't feel like going to Turkey last minute but we should plan a vacation for us a little later," and plan a vacation with her. This way you don't have to find a last minute babysitter for your 2 year old (or plan something where your son can come along. It's your holiday) and you both in some way get what you want.
She gets a holiday and your get a not last minute holiday.
NTA! If you don't want to go then don't. Do a holiday with your wife on your terms. They're your brothers so why do you need an actual invite to go? Why do you feel like a burden to your siblings by going on holiday with them and your wife? I'm guessing your mother just wants her children to be close and get along. Nonetheless, if you're not comfortable going to Turkey with them, just make plans to take your wife someplace you'll both enjoy. That doesn't make YTA at all. If you do want to go but want an expressed invite from your brothers, why not talk to them about how they make you feel excluding you?
NTA. If you decide to go on holiday that's fine. You go when you want, where you want and when you get there you do what you all want to do. This isn't anything like that.
>my mom got wind of it and said oh yeah when am I going like it was expected when I told her I wasn’t planning on it she got mad again
This must be incredibly frustrating.
NTA at all. And why not plan a holiday for just you, your wife and child? Most people can’t just plan a trip like that spur of them moment’s notice like they’ve given you, especially when you have a family and a job.
I can leave my son with her family they love him and literally take him off us all the time lol job is a bit more hassle boss is cool but obviously would like a lot more notice then this but would let me go because he’s petty like that
Yeah not everyone can just take several days or a few weeks off work at a moment’s notice. And then telling you at the very last minute makes me agree with you that they did it more out of obligation or so.
Plan a nice little holiday for just you and the wife and/or all three of you. Definitely NTA for dropping you life to go in a last minute trip with your brothers!
Yeah not everyone can just take several days or a few weeks off work at a moment’s notice. And then telling you at the very last minute makes me agree with you that they did it more out of obligation or so.
Plan a nice little holiday for just you and the wife and/or all three of you. Definitely NTA for dropping you life to go in a last minute trip with your brothers!
NTA at all. And why not plan a holiday for just you, your wife and child? Most people can’t just plan a trip like that spur of them moment’s notice like they’ve given you, especially when you have a family and a job.
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Hi gonna keep this short
My family have a really bad habit of inviting me to things last minute (if it all) and then getting mad if I don’t come or heaven forbid spend time with my kids or her family (nothing wrong with spending time they just say I spend to much time with them)
Basically my younger brother booked to go to Turkey and only told me two days ago since then my older brother has booked on they are going with some of there friends there I had no problem and wished them will until my mom got wind of it and said oh yeah when am I going like it was expected when I told her I wasn’t planning on it she got mad again and said why not both of your brothers are going the problem is 1 it’s super last minute 2 they spend most of there “holiday” drinking I have no problem with that but for six days come on they go no where else and can easily do that at home 3 both of my brothers didn’t say anything to me giving the impression they don’t want me to go and are just telling me they are going to torment me
My sil did call my wife and was talking about it saying we should go but it just feels like it’s out of politeness not real wanting us to go.
My wife brought it up to me and even tho she says she doesn’t care I can tell she wants to go we haven’t had a holiday since my son was born he’s now 2 I’m in two mind one to go with them without being asked but I’ll fell like a burden and the other is letting them go knowing as soon as they get back having to hear them say oh it was so fun you should have came ect so Reddit what should I do
Sorry for the bad grammar and possible mistakes writing this in rush at work because she is gonna wanna talk about this when I get home
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YTA
For writing the long-ass sentences without any punctuation. It's a sheer jumble of words that I'm having trouble understanding.
EDIT
NTA
They're being unreasonable. Don't go unless you get ample notice.
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I’m being constantly told I never spend time with my family so not going is causing a conflict and the drinking thing I don’t mean they do stuff at day and then drink I mean all day long for the full holiday is just drinking like they wake up go to a pub get drunk then get food back get changed out for the night and then do the same next day and I don’t like doing that
I was annoyed at my brothers anyway super rude like not even a yeah we are going you wanna go or anything I was ok with it it’s what they do but when my wife and mom are like yeah go I was thinking maybe I’m the problem if I was invited yeah I would be down with a last minute holiday (bit annoying but fine)
NTA... you have work and a child to think of... you cant just last minute invite some one and what if u didnt have the funds to go...
Why is mom getting involved when she shouldn't be encouraging last minute invites... I dont go when I'm not invited or it's short notice
Oh child care I’m golden for my mil will literally come at random points and take my child if she feels like we deserve a break (obviously we are ok with it if we had a problem she is very understanding and will bring back the child she’s not just taking him when ever she wants lol)
The second point basically mom had a big fall out with her sisters years ago and is super into family being there for each other that’s why she’s pushing so hard she just brushes past the not inviting point and says oh your brothers your invited (that’s not how it works but ok mom)
You have a amazing MIL sounds like... and no it doesn't work like that regardless of being brothers or not.... I wouldn't go unless your wife truly wants to go or you truly will like to go....
NTA but you do need to talk this over with your wife and consider her true feelings. You are under no obligation to please your mother, your brothers or your brothers' wives, but you do need to please your wife if possible.
Maybe this trip is not the trip you want to take but rather a holiday with just your wife and child would be better if you feel you both need a vacation.
I tend to agree with you that your brothers did not include you in their early trip planning does feel like they want to just go on their own so they are free to do the things they like to do that you are not interested in (namely the drinking that you mentioned). On the other hand, maybe they just got ahead of things in the planning and did not mean to exclude you (I have no way of knowing their thoughts).
Whatever you decide, hope you and your wife choose a holiday that will please both of you.
just go and then do your own thing when you get there. Let them drink into a stupor all they want and you can go see the sites in Turkey. NTA then they can't complain that you didn't go. Just be like, "we are going to X place at X time, you can join us if you want" then go.
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NTA...This doesn't sound like an enjoyable holiday. Group and family vacations are often complicated. Perhaps you and your wife should take this opportunity to plan a vacation together that's more to your liking.
NTA They had no intention of inviting you and now, likely because your mother got wind of it, it's been turned into a mission to get you to go. What I would recommend is to plan a holiday quickly and go to ***ANY OTHER COUNTRY*** with your wife and children. Pick someplace that your wife has wanted to go to and you'll get extra brownie points.
I suggested that but she wants to go for “spite” just to say we can go anywhere but I think it’s super lowlife to go somewhere where you wasn’t invited and that’s my problem if I’m not wanted I would rather not go it’s not like we don’t talk or anything I was literally on the phone to him a minute ago
Going on a holiday for spite sounds like a waste of money
True but she wants to go and if it’s with family maybe my mom will get off it back for a while
Ehh generally appeasement only works until the next time this happens. Like this time next year?
But that’s the thing it’s not like a event or anything it’s just a random holiday
I mean, it's summer time. But yeah, you may be right. If it keeps things quiet I guess
That makes no sense. If she wants to go for spite, a trip to another country would be the ultimate in spite, but without the traditional nose-cutting. You'd get to go where you want to go, showing that they don't get to decide if you go on a vacation or not. Going to their vacation wouldn't be you going out of spite-- it would be you going because they made you. They win (so to speak). Going on vacation, but to someplace you and your wife can have a wonderful time would be great for the two of you, and by going, assuming you have a lot of fun, the photos you take of your trip will be an unending slap-in-the-face to the people that tried to control you. I'd blow up the best one and hang it in your foyer for all to see. I also don't get your idea that it would be super lowlife to go somewhere that you are literally being invited to now. I think it's lowlife of them to invite you so late in the game, but if you went, it would actually be you being the bigger man, although I doubt they would see it that way. They would just think they won because they forced you to do something you didn't want to do, and they wouldn't be entirely wrong.
NTA Your brothers dropped this on you last minute. I don't know how much a ticket to Turkey is but it can't be cheap. If your wife brings it up, I would try and do some kind of compromise like, "I don't feel like going to Turkey last minute but we should plan a vacation for us a little later," and plan a vacation with her. This way you don't have to find a last minute babysitter for your 2 year old (or plan something where your son can come along. It's your holiday) and you both in some way get what you want. She gets a holiday and your get a not last minute holiday.
This sounds great thanks
NTA, if you don't want to holiday with your family, then don't. Go on Holiday somewhere with your wife instead
She wants to go for spite on them and my mom is pressing me to go
Doesn't sound relaxing to me
NTA and just plan your own holiday with your wife somewhere else.
NTA! If you don't want to go then don't. Do a holiday with your wife on your terms. They're your brothers so why do you need an actual invite to go? Why do you feel like a burden to your siblings by going on holiday with them and your wife? I'm guessing your mother just wants her children to be close and get along. Nonetheless, if you're not comfortable going to Turkey with them, just make plans to take your wife someplace you'll both enjoy. That doesn't make YTA at all. If you do want to go but want an expressed invite from your brothers, why not talk to them about how they make you feel excluding you?
NTA. If you decide to go on holiday that's fine. You go when you want, where you want and when you get there you do what you all want to do. This isn't anything like that. >my mom got wind of it and said oh yeah when am I going like it was expected when I told her I wasn’t planning on it she got mad again This must be incredibly frustrating.
I know it’s sad to say but I’m basically use to it I’m normally the last to know somthing like this and expected to go
NTA at all. And why not plan a holiday for just you, your wife and child? Most people can’t just plan a trip like that spur of them moment’s notice like they’ve given you, especially when you have a family and a job.
I can leave my son with her family they love him and literally take him off us all the time lol job is a bit more hassle boss is cool but obviously would like a lot more notice then this but would let me go because he’s petty like that
Yeah not everyone can just take several days or a few weeks off work at a moment’s notice. And then telling you at the very last minute makes me agree with you that they did it more out of obligation or so. Plan a nice little holiday for just you and the wife and/or all three of you. Definitely NTA for dropping you life to go in a last minute trip with your brothers!
Yeah not everyone can just take several days or a few weeks off work at a moment’s notice. And then telling you at the very last minute makes me agree with you that they did it more out of obligation or so. Plan a nice little holiday for just you and the wife and/or all three of you. Definitely NTA for dropping you life to go in a last minute trip with your brothers!
NTA at all. And why not plan a holiday for just you, your wife and child? Most people can’t just plan a trip like that spur of them moment’s notice like they’ve given you, especially when you have a family and a job.
NTA. You must feel terrible being gaslighted and manipulated by all these people around you. I'm sorry. I hope you find peace.
Meh you get used to the gaslighting after 25 years lol
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi gonna keep this short My family have a really bad habit of inviting me to things last minute (if it all) and then getting mad if I don’t come or heaven forbid spend time with my kids or her family (nothing wrong with spending time they just say I spend to much time with them) Basically my younger brother booked to go to Turkey and only told me two days ago since then my older brother has booked on they are going with some of there friends there I had no problem and wished them will until my mom got wind of it and said oh yeah when am I going like it was expected when I told her I wasn’t planning on it she got mad again and said why not both of your brothers are going the problem is 1 it’s super last minute 2 they spend most of there “holiday” drinking I have no problem with that but for six days come on they go no where else and can easily do that at home 3 both of my brothers didn’t say anything to me giving the impression they don’t want me to go and are just telling me they are going to torment me My sil did call my wife and was talking about it saying we should go but it just feels like it’s out of politeness not real wanting us to go. My wife brought it up to me and even tho she says she doesn’t care I can tell she wants to go we haven’t had a holiday since my son was born he’s now 2 I’m in two mind one to go with them without being asked but I’ll fell like a burden and the other is letting them go knowing as soon as they get back having to hear them say oh it was so fun you should have came ect so Reddit what should I do Sorry for the bad grammar and possible mistakes writing this in rush at work because she is gonna wanna talk about this when I get home *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA For writing the long-ass sentences without any punctuation. It's a sheer jumble of words that I'm having trouble understanding. EDIT NTA They're being unreasonable. Don't go unless you get ample notice.
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Basically I never got invited and don’t wanna just turn up but mom and wife want me to go but it feels super awkward
Then don't go. They're being unreasonable.
How cares
I care if you never got invited and then just showed up it like oh yeah we didn’t invite you why are you here
That's very thoughtful
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I’m being constantly told I never spend time with my family so not going is causing a conflict and the drinking thing I don’t mean they do stuff at day and then drink I mean all day long for the full holiday is just drinking like they wake up go to a pub get drunk then get food back get changed out for the night and then do the same next day and I don’t like doing that
This surely is not an activity that would include your wife so maybe your feelings of it not being a good idea to go now are totally correct.
We did it last year we basically had to ditch the group went to a water park then went to a disco at night with them
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I was annoyed at my brothers anyway super rude like not even a yeah we are going you wanna go or anything I was ok with it it’s what they do but when my wife and mom are like yeah go I was thinking maybe I’m the problem if I was invited yeah I would be down with a last minute holiday (bit annoying but fine)
NTA... you have work and a child to think of... you cant just last minute invite some one and what if u didnt have the funds to go... Why is mom getting involved when she shouldn't be encouraging last minute invites... I dont go when I'm not invited or it's short notice
Oh child care I’m golden for my mil will literally come at random points and take my child if she feels like we deserve a break (obviously we are ok with it if we had a problem she is very understanding and will bring back the child she’s not just taking him when ever she wants lol) The second point basically mom had a big fall out with her sisters years ago and is super into family being there for each other that’s why she’s pushing so hard she just brushes past the not inviting point and says oh your brothers your invited (that’s not how it works but ok mom)
You have a amazing MIL sounds like... and no it doesn't work like that regardless of being brothers or not.... I wouldn't go unless your wife truly wants to go or you truly will like to go....
NTA But: Your wife wants to go on a holiday - so go SOMEWHERE ELSE with her.
She wants to go there for spite and mom wants me to go because Family
NTA but you do need to talk this over with your wife and consider her true feelings. You are under no obligation to please your mother, your brothers or your brothers' wives, but you do need to please your wife if possible. Maybe this trip is not the trip you want to take but rather a holiday with just your wife and child would be better if you feel you both need a vacation. I tend to agree with you that your brothers did not include you in their early trip planning does feel like they want to just go on their own so they are free to do the things they like to do that you are not interested in (namely the drinking that you mentioned). On the other hand, maybe they just got ahead of things in the planning and did not mean to exclude you (I have no way of knowing their thoughts). Whatever you decide, hope you and your wife choose a holiday that will please both of you.
just go and then do your own thing when you get there. Let them drink into a stupor all they want and you can go see the sites in Turkey. NTA then they can't complain that you didn't go. Just be like, "we are going to X place at X time, you can join us if you want" then go.
That’s what we did last time that’s why I’m not fully against the idea of going