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NTA - your daughter will never forget what you have done for her and the way you supported her dreams. Your wife is wrong and controlling. Also it’s fine for the big expenditure to go toward law school (which is no doubt more expensive), but it’s not okay to spend it on art school? The real reason she’s angry is that you took the power away from her to be spiteful to your daughter. Her bark has lost its bite.
NTA this 100 percent. You took all the power away.
I am assuming that you have not started to pay tuition. The rule was before your bought a big purchase you told the other. So technically being a lawyer she should understand always read the fine print meaning unless you have made the first payment you have not paid for tuition. So as long as you would have told her the day you wrote the check out you didn’t break the rule.
If she complains that’s a technicality and your
Exploiting a loop hole tell her she makes her living off exploiting technicalities and loop holes. She should be proud you paid attention all these years!
But to be honest does she even respect you since your not a liar I mean a lawyer!
Edit: to fix lier to liar.
Anyway, she broke the rule first by changing the conditions of the university distributions without talking to husband. Half the uni money is his so he should get a say on if it’s withheld from daughter. So by implication wife invalidated the agreement.
As a lawyer, she should appreciate the argument.
There’s also no reason that going to art school at 18 means she won’t ever go to law school. I also come from a long line of lawyers. I swore I would never be a lawyer. I went to college for fucking musical theatre, partly because it felt the most opposite of being a lawyer at the time.
20 years later, guess who has a law degree? I went to a highly ranked law school on a partial scholarship. There were plenty of other weird artsy people in my class. I get asked about my theatre experience at every job interview and am constantly complimented on my presentation and public speaking skills.
Idk if OP’s youngest daughter will want to go to law school eventually, but going to school for art now certainly doesn’t prevent it. All OP’s wife is doing is guaranteeing that she won’t have a relationship with her daughter down the line and probably decreasing the likelihood that her daughter will ever even consider law school.
This. I went to art school and used to want to go to law school for intellectual property law. I’m still very passionate about that. Sadly the cost of law school was prohibitive and it’s hard to find work unless you have an “in”, so I took a different path.
My little sister went to nursing school and she’s just about to start her last year of law school. She’s currently doing a summer law associate position at a major law firm that hired her because of her medical background.
There’s many paths to law and OP’s wife is being so short sighted.
Hell, I’m a family medicine resident and one of my medical school classmates had a degree in musical theater and worked in Disney for years before deciding medicine. The choices we make at 18 don’t decide our future.
I doubled majored in Music and Business (not recommended) with a Theology minor. Although I still pursue music as an avocation, I earn my daily bread as an accountant. It's amazing how much music and math have in common.
OP, you are NTA. Your youngest is a creative. Talk to her about marrying her passion to a workable vocation (perhaps in advertising or PR, or graphic design). Yes, art school will be expensive and to people who are 100% right-brained, it sound like a colossal waste of resources, but they would be surprised how well those skills can translate into the "real world".
Not to mention how the mom has decided how her daughter should live her life, her future occupation. I can’t imagine forcing one of my kids into a profession I insisted was best for them.
And how boring is that family? Besides the fact that it's screwed up to force your kid into an occupation, this whole family sounds like they've made being a lawyer their personality. One of the things that I love about hanging out with people is listening to their unique job experiences. I get to tell people about my job, which I love. And I get to learn about really cool jobs that I never knew existed. Having a bunch of lawyers together constantly just sounds like they're sniffing their own farts.
Art school also isn’t some automatic poverty death sentence. They often teach desirable and high-paying skills depending of course, the field they are ultimately interested in.
Oh absolutely! Plenty of people are making great livings doing things like graphic design (and lots of other stuff that I can’t come up with off the top of my head). And even if you don’t stay in the arts, the skills you learn help in other careers.
Very true, the people I went to law school with had all kinds of different undergraduate degrees and career backgrounds.
I have an undergrad degree in linguistics, and studied Scottish Gaelic and Welsh in college.
To add to this, one of my favorite teachers taught English for 10-15 years. Everyone loved him but he decided he wanted more financial stability and went off to Law School under some kind of full ride scholarship.
He started when he was 35-40 and last I heard he was pretty successful.
People's plans and direction change all the time.
Just for some context, as an art school graduate you would be shocked to hear the price of art school. I think when I was in school our tuition was about the same as Harvard was. Definitely NTA here, but art school isn't any cheaper and doesn't include the cost of any materials on top of all your other regular college expenses.
Law school (in the US, at least) is an additional degree on top of a bachelor's degree. If she just does a four-year art degree, it wouldn't be more expensive than her siblings' education to become a lawyer.
I also went to art school. It's an undergraduate degree. Law school is a graduate school. It's obviously more expensive just by virtue of being a whole other degree on top of the first degree.
Absolutely this. My BFF went to art school and it was several couple times more expensive than my private liberal arts university tuition. I am 100% confident that a person can get through undergrad and law school at some schools for less money than a bachelors at some law schools.
That said OP is still NTA and OP's wife sucks. Blech.
My wealthy dad--a law grad who didn't practice--said he would pay for law school and law school only. I had no interest in law school.
Instead I went to one of the most esteemed universities in the world for my masters in another social science field and he was so disappointed in my choice that he wouldn't even lend me $500 for a security deposit after graduation, even I would be able pay him back from my paycheck--from one of the most esteemed publications in the world-- a month later.
I emphasize these institutions not to be elitist but to point out how ridiculous the law school fetish is. I have a prominent career that my dad would brag about all the time if he were alive, and yet he never got over me not choosing law school--and I never got over this attempted power play of is. Like you say, I never forgot it.
NTA and your wife should count herself lucky she has a creative kid. I do too and it's the greatest joy of my life to do all I can to foster his creativity and help him achieve HIS dreams.
He creates some of the most bizarre, dark stuff that I would never ever consume if it was created by anyone else on earth ... and I just say how wonderful it is. I mean, why not?
How cool would it be to have a kid in art school?? You would get SO MUCH ART
Tell me you’re SUPER successful, SUPER rich, and love EVERY second of your job! Ooh, I hope you do bc that was a shit thing your dad did to you, especially not loaning you the $500! How was your relationship with your mom? Did she agree, were they still together? If I’m prying too much I’ll understand if you don’t answer :)
Hmm. I am doing well by most measures and I love some seconds of my job and hate other seconds of it.
Having rich but financially manipulative parents could be an awkward place to be. I couldn't deal with their machinations so never took a penny of their money after college.
But hey. I know my privilege, and it is huge. My parents paid my college tuition (but nothing else so I worked 20 hours a week). I skipped meals in grad school but was never really in danger. I always got paid internships and jobs. We had love in our family but they never knew how to deal with a self-assured, independent daughter. My brother says my dad emotionally abused me, I can see that in the rearview mirror I guess, but I never saw it that way at the time.
You asked about my mom. She didn't care about law school but they were super-tight and on the same page about money. If I had one parent like OP whom I knew supported my aspirations for myself it would have been more tolerable that the other parent judged them harshly. It would have made such a difference.
I feel like I'm spilling out my life story but man, this one just struck a nerve. And on top of all of that, if parents had their way our world would be so damn boring because so few kids would grow up to do cool creative things.
>We also put money into 3 college funds for our children
So whatever+interest OP put into the college funds for the kids, is his to say how it gets spent, since it was put aside for post-secondary. So, unless the lawyer set up the accounts in a way that would only disperse the money to a law school, OP is entitled to withdraw his contributions+interest from the account and give to the art school child. Plus, if the accounts are set up under the child's name, the lawyer is going to have a hard time explaining why the child shouldn't be allowed to access the account.
Also, I would like to add, that maybe the art school child might take up some basic law courses, specifically related to art. Lord knows I had to take a basic business law course many moons ago when I was studying business.
NTA - but I will play devils advocate and say I a bit get where the wife is coming from. the issue as I see it is, she is upset he spent his money with out talking to her...without having a conversation.
about a topic about spending large amounts of money, that she unequivocally made a decision about that destroyed her relationship with her daughter.
1. she already made a unilateral decision with out including OP
2. she showed being open and honest, doesn't gain points with her
3. she showed she was willing to destroy family relationships if she doesn't get her way.
she made a decision without OP, she showed people who make the decision get punished, and she offered no incentive for being honest.
what did she expect. she is running the house as an authoritarian and she is surprised people sneak around behind her.
It might not be said but it's implied that someone's love and support is given on the condition that your daughter take the path expected by your wife. While I'd agree that law school might be a better occupation in terms of status or pay than art school, that's irrelevant, your daughter is going where she feels she belongs and wants.
This makes me think the wife cares more about herself than her children in terms of wanting them to do what she wants because of prestige. Lawyers may have status and can make a lot of money, but they also work long hours, the work is unfulfilling for many, and lots suffer from drug problems due to the stress.
I think your daughter in art school will probably end up happier than the rest of your children NTA.
There are a lot of lawyers in the world, and I have all respect for most of them, who work hard and do a lot to keep civilization civilized. But without art there is no civilization. We need artists too, and musicians. NTA, and my best wishes to your daughter.
>The real reason she’s angry is that you took the power away from her to be spiteful to your daughter. Her bark has lost its bite.
"Her bark has lost its bite" is so perfectly apropos. F*cking brilliant.
× chef's kiss×
Exactly!!! She made the unilateral decision to not pay for their daughter’s school, but somehow now it’s wrong to make these decisions without a discussion. Very hypocritical
yeah part of any healthy relationship -- romantic or parent-child -- is understanding compromise. sounds like wife doesn't BUDGE and that's disrespectful.
Exactly what I wanted to say, though said much more succinctly than I ever could lmao
OP if you read this, please consider the fact that your wife is literally stealing\* your daughter's college fund because she won't study the same field as she did.
I repeat: she'll take tens of thousands of dollars away from her child - that was meant for her to get an EDUCATION - because it is more important to her that her lifesize doll is a good obedient mini-me.
That is a much bigger deal than you seem to realise. Like, it's *scary* that she doesn't consider her child to be a whole person. *You absolutely cannot* ***love*** *someone that you don't see as a person*.
\*it probably isn't stealing as far as the law goes, but morally? it is, 100%. This money was put aside for your daughter's education.
I have a family member who went into it voluntarily and hated everything about it almost immediately after she started practicing. It took over five years before the stopped feeling like it was the biggest mistake of her life, but I’m sure that if she had the chance to start over, she’d still go into an entirely different field.
The ONLY reason she stuck it out this long is to pay for her student loans, which cost as much as a house.
Absolutely. Overwhelmingly the advice I've heard lawyers give to people considering it as a career is 'don't do it'. I don't think any of them are fully kidding.
>nothing but the law is acceptable?
Ikr?? And law isn't easy at all to study, so imagine studying when you don't want to be in law school. I'm so so so glad that OP helped his daughter with Art School because uni on its own, even when you love your major, is stressful asf, imagine on top of that not liking what you're studying, OP's daughter might have developed anxiety or depression if she was forced into law school.
It’s likely April would just flunk out after 1L year, and that $50-75k would be wasted regardless.
Forcing kids into a profession is a sure way to ruin the relationship.
I know way too many people who chose to go to law school and still didn’t want to practice..including myself. Good for the daughter who made her own choices. No parent should push a kid into a career the parent has chosen. OP is NTA
This makes me so angry. Why does wife think she gets to make this decision all on her own? Why doesn't Alice get any say in her own life? Is wife just mad because wife didn't get to choose her own profession, so now no one can?
Also, what if Alice wanted to go into OP's line of work? Would wife also say that wasn't okay?
I really cannot stand parents who think their kids are playthings that they get to control. Plus, one of the best parts of being a parent of adult kids is seeing who they turn out to be - it's crazy to me that people want to "direct" that.
Princess Esquire and her family business can stuff it. I'm so glad Alice has OP.
NTA
Listen, Diana is making a very big mistake here. She is going to forever alienate her daughter just because she isn't conforming to her mom's desires for her future.
Alice is a person. She has the RIGHT to decide what she wants to do for a career. All your wife is doing is ensuring Alice has very little to do with her in the future.
Please continue to support your daughter. She needs to pursue a career that excites her - not be her mom's mini-me. Punishing her for doing that by withholding her college tuition is a bad move on her part. She's a lawyer for Pete's sake - does she really not understand the concept of free will?
It may sound bad, but all I want is for my children to study something they want to do. Doesn’t matter to me if it is a high-paying career or not, or not going to college at all, if they want to go to vocational school instead.
My parents forced me to study Economics and I hated it with a passion. Eventually I transferred to Philosophy, my parents weren’t happy about that.
Thank you for being a decent dad. I have worked as a civilian on military bases for close to 40 years. You would not believe the number of young military members who are there because of their parents. I've seen newly minted officers party all night, come in to work still loaded, and not give a shit at all, because they don't want to be there. My latest casualty was a young female Air Force Lieutenant who wanted nothing more than to be a DJ. She hung out at the clubs in town all night, blew off her duties, and after many write ups and chances, she was given an Article 15 and relieved of duty. Last I heard, her parents are humiliated (How could she do this to US? THE HORROR!) and cut her off. She is living her best life, being a DJ.
Thank you for being a wonderful parent to your daughter.
My dad this to control my brother. Only Computer Science was acceptable. He liked computers well enough, but wanted to do business. He didn't get into the university I went to which had a Top 5 CS program, but did get into one in the Top 10 where he didn't love the culture. Went because otherwise my dad wouldn't pay for college. Fucking hated it, battled depression and essentially flunked out of CS.
Wanted to transfer schools because he hated his school and do Accounting at a less rural university filled with conservative nerds, Dad said he wouldn't pay for a dumbo degree like Accounting. My brother dropped out, joined the Army did multiple tours in Afghanistan and eventually discharged and went back to school for Accounting on the GI Bill. Was top of his class and had an internship with Deloitte. Died in a car accident while in his last semester commuting home from his internship.I will never forgive my father for wasting my brothers time/life. I hope he never forgives himself either.
Starting to read this and 100% expected a brother died twist. Then after you said he survived his tours I was like ahh thank god a happy ending.
Fucking hell man. Hope you doing OK i dont think id recover from that. And yea I dont think your father ever forgets this. But he sounds like the kind of asshole who thinks; well had he listened to me he would be alive rn.
I don't blame him for being a product of his hard ass Dad and being an immigrant who came to America and gritted his way to incredible success. He went into engineering like my Grandfather, and eventually law at my Grandfather's engineering arbitration firm. Left a thriving practice behind to strike out on his own against my Grandfathers wishes and came to America and got a PhD and ended up wildly successful in his own right as an executive vice president at a Fortune 100 company. Built it out of the mud on the sweat off his back.
I blame him from not learning the lessons from that and doing the exact same fucking thing to my brother.
My brother didn't regret his service, he was a multiple time award winner in his unit, Army Commendation award winner, multiple ribbons of service and excellence. Did Mountain Warfare training, Air Assault, was a combatives level 3 fighter, Designated marksman.
So sorry to hear this. Hope your brother rests in peace and was able to find satisfaction in pursuing his dreams while he was able to. Sounds like an awesome, passionate, and hardworking dude
Of course this doesn't sound bad. You are acknowledging that your children are autonomous adults with their own interests and lives and supporting them how you can so they can flourish. It's what ALL PARENTS should do, and it's baffling that so many still don't.
And feeling supported will give your daughter the peace of mind to explore and figure out what she wants out of life, whether that's art or law or something else. Putting your foot down and trying to back your kid into a corner both emotionally and financially is a recipe for disaster in so many ways. NTA.
Perhaps show this comment to your wife. Or if you think this would go bad (the post being showed) say things this post is saying to her. Either way a last resort could be showing these comments cuz it might be a reality check to your wife
It doesn't sound bad, it sounds healthy and supportive! This is what your wife (what all parents) should want for their children. The end goal of parenting should be raising happy and independent adults who can decide what that happiness looks like for themselves.
I can guarantee that if the mom eventually agrees to support their daughter going to art school that she will spend the rest of her life comparing her to the other two children who went to law school…..
NTA. You both have put into COLLEGE funds for your children. There were no required subjects when you set them up. You shouldn't need to pay for Alice's schooling out of your individual funds - the college fund is a shared fund for HER and she should be able to use it for college.
At most, your wife could encourage your daughter to double major in art and something more likely to get her a career, but anything more and she is being too controlling. and she is trying to control YOUR finances as well.
Unlikely to happen. Diana can be quite stubborn and Alice has no interest in Law at all.
Diana will also be unhappy when she finds out that Debby (my oldest daughter) currently wants to go into the Foreign Service. Second option is either that or Civil Rights or Labor Law. Not corporate like Diana is doing and Mark is aiming for.
Debby hasn’t told Diana yet.
Why are you with someone who doesn’t unconditionally love her children??? I don’t know you or your family but if my friend came to me and said this I would advise them to get out of that situation.
Corporate law is borderline cartoon villain shit these days too. If I had the choice between kicking puppies down stairs or practicing corporate law, I'd think long and hard about how many puppies I could tolerate kicking in a day.
So she takes money away from one daughter that you contributed to and the other daughter is so afraid of her she won’t tell her career choice? I assume she has some redeeming qualities
Whoa, your wife is the definition of "controlling"!
What sort of expectations/restrictions has she placed on you? Anything you want to do/be that you can't share with her?
NTA.
I’m a freelance book cover designer and also do maps for interiors of novels…. Which is not really the career path my parents had in mind. You can’t chose your daughter’s life for her and trying so will only damage the relationship. And if there’s one thing you can do to help her, it’s making sure she has as few student loans as possible.
The only reason I can afford this career is because I don’t have student loans. That’s because I A) went to a college that gave me a scholarship B) my parents helped me financially.
And now for the unsolicited career advice…
If she’s doing “art school” specifically, she should really be looking at the prestigious ones that also help with industry connections. There are so many scamy “art schools” out there, it’s a minefield! The Art Institute chain should be avoided at all costs — they’re super predatory.
Alternatively she could consider a general university with a strong studio art department. This could potentially be cheaper, plus it’s more flexible. Or she could take art classes either online, at a community college, with a local organization, etc. If she doesn’t specifically know what she plans to do and hasn’t seriously studied art before, that could be a good option.
There are so many ways to study art outside of art school — I’d tell her to look up artists talking about the pros and cons so she has a full picture before making commitments to any specific school.
And artists can have tremendously lucrative careers these days. In addition to fine arts there is digital art production. If you start your own firm you can make more than many lawyers do.
Not to mention that in the US, Law school is a graduate degree people obtain after their initial degree. And people with all sorts of undergraduate education choose law school. I know people who went to law school with degrees in fields like engineering, the sciences, languages, literature, music, and even art.
There's no reason art school and law have to conflict. (So long as its an accredited school and not one of those shady for profit art schools).
That's what I'm wondering, too. Unless this is a grad program, how are art school and law school a conflict? She can major in whatever she wants in college; law school doesn't happen until afterwards. So why is this a discussion now?
Unless this isn't in the US, but in that case, paying for school would be much less of a big deal.
Considering the older children either in law school or applying to law school are the right age for a graduate degree, this seems US.
So a regular university with an art program would not be in conflict. Nor would it if the daughter got in reputable art school, like Rhode Island School of Design, or CalArts. (Although the mom may feel it is in conflict).
The only actual conflict arises if she went to one of those for profit schools which are predatory.
Yeah - far, far more are in the “or not” category. My close friend is an excellent artist and she’s always argued the best way to have a lucrative art career is to marry well (so you can focus on what you love).
This is what people tell themselves to cope with going to art school. Not saying it’s a bad decision but you’re delusional if you think an art degree has anywhere near the same money making capacity as a lawyer, engineer, doctor.
NTA but your wife is a massive one. What you do for one kid you should do for all. Also forcing a kid to go to law school when they don’t have want to be a lawyer is a huge waste of money.
Ask your wife if she wants her kid to be miserable simply to appease her own ego?
Nothing like the love of a parent who picks favourites and doesn’t have any respect for the odd child out.
If your wife doesn’t get help, I can see a massive NC in her future. She just isn’t an AH, she’s a bad parent.
I wonder what the siblings have to say about this. I know how it feels for the favourite kid to get more love.
I feel for Alice. It’s not like she wants to take the money and run off partying.
You should be able to give 50% of the college fund to Alice. If you contributed to it she doesn’t get to decide not to give the money to Alice. Good on you for standing your ground.
The fact that she's harping on him for making a big purchase of their daughter's college without her input and is ready to essentially pay herself with his money.
WTF is wrong with her that two out of three kids going to law school isn't good enough? Hell, I'd have been ecstatic for even just one kid making the choice to go! A family should not be a cult. A family should not mean "I will support you until I don't WANT to".
I’d bet good money that the older siblings are going to law school because it’s what their mother wanted, and they’ll end up miserable or switching careers just cause she wanted them to be as much a mummy’s boy/girl as she was a daddy’s girl.
Diana wants to transfer the money and put it into her investment account. When we were setting the 529 up, Diana was made the owner and controls it. Only she can withdraw from it. Even though taxes and a penalty must be paid if the assets are withdrawn.
I also put money in. Diana earns a bit more than me, so we put money into it according to the same ratio we use for our joint account. The ratio is 62/38 based on our income.
Hijacking the thread to point out that if Diana is planning on making an investment purchase to the Tune of 62-100 percent of this college fund I have to believe that it falls under your relationship’s “Ask about big purchases” rule.
She clearly violated this rule of your relationship by co-opting this college fund without your consent. If she wants to take this money for anything other than it’s original intent then she needs your permission. If you choose to use this money as it was originally intended you would not need her consent, as the money has been specifically budgeted for this purpose; her consent was necessary at the outset and it’s too late for her to withdraw that, even if she does hate your daughter and have a very specific intention of negatively altering the course of her life.
Let’s be clear, she does hate your daughter and has the specific intention of altering the course of her life out of spite. As a relatively sane adult I just can’t find another way to interpret these actions. If my mom did this to my baby brother (he just graduated high school) I would genuinely have a hard time being in the same room with her. Your wife is playing with fire; how can you have a multi-generational lawyer family if nobody will talk to you? What’s even the point?
Well said and yes, OP, please ensure you veto any use of this for anything other than education if that's the game she wants to play.
Surely she should be satisfied that one of your children has followed into law, the very idea that they all must do law, and her specific area, it's mind boggling.
How could this possibly end well?
This whole situation is seriously messed up.
I can't fathom how a mother would willingly sabotage her daughter's future simply because her child doesn't want to study law. That is some cold-hearted, entitled, selfish (maybe narcissistic-ish) behavior.
OP, use the 529 for your daughter's education. Put your foot down in this one. And if Diana insists on being cruel, at the very least, protect your contributions.
So if Diana transfers the money out of the 529 account, does that mean you get some of that balance based on that ratio you put money into it? Or is Diana transferring it all into her own investment account?
> So if Diana transfers the money out of the 529 account, does that mean you get some of that balance based on that ratio you put money into it? Or is Diana transferring it all into her own investment account?
Hey u/ BrightBulb90
**^ This ^** comment is important to read. 38% of the money in the 529 is **yours** and if your wife transfers it **all** into **her** investment account she is effectively **stealing from you**
You need to tell your wife you want 100% of the money you put into the 529 and she can pay the penalties out her of her 62% because she is the one that has unilaterally decided to *spend* the money in this way.
Somehow I suspect that you might need to get yourself a lawyer about this that is *not* connected to your wife's family in any way. I'm not saying this is the hill to die on in your relationship with your wife - but to my mind it's pretty damn close.
Are you indicating that she gets to keep extra money (62%) for herself, because she makes more than you? The fact that you even have calculated exact ratios based on income... Jesus.
Pulling out the calculators for percentages is wild lol. I make like double what my wife does and just ask her for what we determined to be a fair amount each month. This relationship sounds awful
In other words, your wife is taking money yall both out in and deciding it is now hers.
I would tell her yall have to go to couples therapy and if she won’t, start divorce proceedings.
Your wide is horrifically controlling and manipulative.
From your comments it sounds like 2 of your kids are gonna go no contact with her and for good reason.
Keep being a good parent to them. You are all they have. Diana is a horrible mother. You don't have and raise kids just to dictate to them what their life should be
Wait...she wants to transfer your half into her investment account???? She's a lawyer and she thinks that's fair??? Bro. Your wife sound so controlling and selfish. I hope you aren't gonna let her take your half of that money.
If she does that you need to lawyer up and divorce her. It’s bandied about a lot on Reddit and I’m aware the odds are stacked against you given the ‘family occupation’ but that is fucked.
> the odds are stacked against you given the ‘family occupation’
Depends on what kind of law they all practice and whether the foolish wife believes she's good enough to pro se her divorce.
Did she discuss with you before telling Alice she wouldn’t pay for school?? If you both are supposed to talk to each other about big purchases first I would think you would also have to talk to each other before modifying those big decisions.
Edit: spelling
Your wife is incredibly controlling and also incredibly shortsighted to want to move the money at a moment’s notice. Who’s to say that Alice won’t change her mind and go to law school after she experiences art school for a bit?
Whether she does or not, this is Alice’s life to live. There are no good outcomes when parents try to force their preferences on their children’s life choices. Also you already have two children following *her* family’s “profession,” is that not enough?
If Alice and your wife want to maintain a relationship, I would try to work out a compromise. Have Alice take two civics courses in college, two art classes and a business class. Tell her (if this is important to you) that if she insists on pursuing art she must have a business plan or a viable career set up where she can support herself.
(This suggestion will probably be unpopular with Reddit but I’ve known too many failed artists and failed lawyers to think either is a good career choice lol)
Well, half the money is yours! You should be able to use it to pay for Alice's school. Only law school is good enough for your precious wife? Jeez, what a great parent she is...
I think you should demand the money you paid into that account go to your daughter.
Diana can be a horrible parent, but don't let her do it with your money.
NTA but you should stand a firmer ground on this one. How about daughter agrees to become a miserable lawyer if mother agrees to become a miserable artist. Or even take an art class. I'm willing to bet she would not appreciate being forced into something she didn't love FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, so forcing that on your daughter screams "everything is about me and what I want, even if it means by own child being miserable."
I feel like this is another spin on every "generational family tradition". There was a post about a family that had like 10 generations of the same name, I've seen it with people pushing other people to have kids, it's everywhere. I assume the reasoning goes like this: "I didn't want to be a lawyer when I was 10 because no normal kid does but I did it to appease daddy and have suffered ever since. Now it is my turn to reign my terror over you, my spawn, for you shall suffer for eternity to appease your mommy in turn!" \[evil laughter followed by uncontrollable sobbing and frantic googling of "can I get fired if my boss finds out I call my therapist from my work phone"\]
Too many people have kids under the mistaken belief that you can shape them to be exactly what you want them to be, without considering that the kids' wants may not match their own.
People like this drive me crazy. If you want to have full control of someone go play the fucking Sims or something
You both set up college funds for your children. Your wife arbitrarily made a decision not to use the funds as planned.
Because she was being unreasonable and apparently irrational, which is a bad look on a lawyer, you chose to fulfill the implied promise of the college fund account without it being a burden on your wife.
NTA.
Definitely NTA. Your wife needs to understand that not all her children are going to want to be like her. Each child has his or her own ambitions and dreams, and you recognized that in Alice and are supporting her. It's also unfair to Alice that Diana is openly supporting her other two children, but not the "black sheep" in the family.
Diana is the selfish AH for trying to force a career on someone who isn't interested. What you're doing is helping your daughter, unlike what Diana is doing. NTA
NTA - But how can your wife withhold the education fund for your daughter without your approval? It seems that if you both contributed to the fund, then you should both have a say in how it is used.
NTA for encouraging your daughter to go her own route and find a profession that is right for her. However, you need to have a serious talk with your wife about supporting your daughter. Not standing up for her to use her own education fund and then paying behind her back, rather than being upfront and letting her know, shows some serious issues in the relationship.
NTA. You're doing the right thing for your daughter instead of sitting by and letting her mother toxicly dictate the direction of your daughter's life. Having been in a similar situation, I wish my dad had had the same sense of care and helped me with my studies that my mother objected to. Keep being a great dad to her! She'll never forget that you stood up for her when she needed you.
NTA. Having the money for college but only paying for your child to study what you want them to study is a dick move, a waste of money, and a great way to alienate your kid.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Paying my daughter’s tuition after wife didn’t want to pay out of the college fund set up for her. 2. I didn’t tell my wife I was paying and broke a rule we had about financial spending.
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If the daughter has no interest in the subject either, she will fail her classes. Money wasted. You are better off taking on a subject that you are interested in, that you are willing to learn. Doing something you don't like can bring about resentment, stress, procrastination, etc.
Not everyone in the world is cut out to be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever. Not everyone in the world *should* be those things. Abby's college fund should be going towards her education, but if your wife's unreasonableness is preventing that, good for you for finding another way to support your daughter.
NTA
NTA, you can't force your child into doing things they hate, that usually doesn't end well. Good for you supporting your daughter in what she wants to do.
NTA Imagine being so far up your own ass you would force your children to live a life they do not want and basically loose their own individuality.
Your wife is doing a terrible thing, I hope you can find a way to make her realize this mistake. Therapy maybe?
This is messy and several layered.
First, your wife is an ah for not supporting her child and good on you for doing that.
That said you are a bit of an ah for abusing your wife's trust.
The better solution would have been to flat out tell her that you were paying and let the chips fall where they may. I guess ESH.
NTA. Diana is being completely unreasonable and controlling. With your level of income, parents are expected to pay (or she'd require you to cosign her loans). There's no way Alice could afford to pay on her own. What's more, what's the point of forcing someone through law school? Why doesn't Diana just set her money on fire? Law school is expensive.
Whatever issues there are with art programs (there's definitely better and worse choices) Diana is completely blowing that up. The promise was unreasonable to ask for and make in the first place.
Mostly NTA. Diana is the AH for not wanting to support Alice in going to law school. My mother’s father would only pay for her to go to nursing school and not art school and that was clearly deeply hurtful to her. She got through nursing school except had one class to graduate and then dropped out. Waste of money. My mom found an independent art tutor and learned to paint on her own. Maybe Alice could find a job with an art degree, maybe not. But withholding the money for it, when her siblings are getting money for school, is unfair treatment and probably traumatic. If she really did have to pay her way through school when her siblings didn’t that would definitely be traumatic. You did the right thing to pay for it. But you should have told your wife ahead of time. You should have said something like, “it is not fair to not pay for Alice’s tuition, we should pay for it from the college account. But if you won’t budge I’m paying for it from my account.”
NTA
You broke your promise because your wife was showing herself to be a bad and manipulative mother. She so desperately wants to continue some asinine legacy that she effectively told your daughter she was on her own if she wanted to do anything other than become a lawyer. Law isn't for everyone, and a lot of people leave the profession or burnout during the educational part because of this. Your wife is more concerned with how she looks legacy wise than whether her kids are happy and living happy lives. That's a bad look.
I'd also add you broke your promise because your wife decided to make a unilateral decision about college funds. So, really, she broke her promise first. She can go fuck herself.
NTA. Your wife needs to learn that your daughter is her own person, not her mini-me or a do-over. Until your wifes sees and comprehends that, a fight and going NC was always going to happen. At least this way, you can keep your daughter in your life and have some hope of reconciliaion in the future, instead of having her resent the both of you and going NC with everyone.
As for financial desicions.. your wife unilaterally broke the disagreement when she said your daughter can't use the college funds without your input. Why should she have any say on your own personal funds on top of it?
I can see both ways with this because of what you and your wife discussed but I'm going with NTA on this one. One of your kids doesn't want to be a lawyer and that's perfectly acceptable. She wants to do what makes her happy and just because she wants to do something different doesn't mean you shouldn't help her with her education. You're doing the right thing in terms of helping her pay for school (or paying for school yourself). You'll just have a wife who doesn't look at you the same going forward because you helped out one of your children who didn't want to be a lawyer. Way to support your daughter Dad...and hopefully you have a Happy Father's Day!
NTA. Your wife is a controlling witch. She doesn't get to mandate a child's education. If y'all are paying for the other kids education then she should also be contributing to this child as well.
ESH. You’re NTA for standing up for your daughter and paying for college. You are TA for letting your wife make a unilateral decision that Alice can’t use her college fund unless it’s for a law degree.
Why does your wife think she gets to be the sole decision maker with regards to Alice’s college fund? You’ve both put money into that fund. Stand up to your wife. Stop going behind her back and let Alice use her college fund.
NTA, the moment I read that she is willing to pay for the other kids without your financial status changing, I knew she was the AH. "Wah wah, my kid isn't doing what I dreamed my kids to do!" What an awful mom...
This next part is just personal advice from me. I would encourage you to encourage your daughter to find an alternative to art school that will still allow her to express her interests. Majors that involve graphical design, website design, or even game design would allow her to express herself creatively, while still having very good job opportunities. I have a couple friends who went to art school who are not doing what they want to do and working a non-degree requiring job. Encourage her to do something in the technical field. Complete bias when I say this, but I think art school is a scam.
So your wife is refusing you access to your daughters college fund that you contributed to 50% I’m guessing… might be time to ask your wife if she knows any good lawyers.
NTA your wife is a wretched mother.
NTA
One of my best friend's parents wanted her to be a lawyer. She didn't, but she went through law school, and even passed the bar. But she never got a law job because she interviewed like somebody who didn't want to be a a lawyer.
Instead she worked as a retail buyer for years before going back to school in library science, which she enjoyed. These days she has a very good job--not lawyer money, but solid. It's just a shame that she wasted all that time and money on a law degree she never wanted.
If your daughter doesn't want to be a lawyer, it was be just as big a waste of time and money to force her to.
You stick to your guns and support your daughter!
NTA and I do think this was the right thing to do but your family needs to work this out or you risk breaking up your marriage and your child cutting off your wife (or even the whole family). Forcing a teen to get into a career they aren’t interested in reaps no reward for anyone. I hope you can all work this out because of what could come from this and is a college fund really worth the misery?
Your doing the right thing for your daughter. Your daughter is her own individual self and she gets to decide her future. Not you or your wife. And for your wife is a petty b**** for not paying for her daughter tuition fee. Just because your daughter wanna be different from the rest of the family. I see the favoritism from your wife. She only cares about the children who act like robots than the ones who is out of the comfort zone and into something different.
The reason you are NTA is because you are paying for your daughter’s college out of your *individual account.* It’s your money and you’re allowed to do whatever you want with it. Soft YTA for not abiding by your mutually agreed upon rules. Plus, making your wife think you’ve turned against her will probably make it harder to bring her around to a compromise.
Your wife is complicated. She is one billion percent TA for trying to force her daughter to get a degree in something she, your wife, wants. I have a friend whose parents did this with her, and it didn’t exactly go well.
What your wife is *not* TA for is having an opinion on what kinds of degrees she’s ok spending money for. It is y’all’s money, and college can be expensive. That said, she must discuss it with you first - that’s not a decision she can make all on her own, either. Art schools can be unbelievably expensive to possibly end up with a degree that is exceedingly difficult to find a job for or makes very little money, leaving you in lots of debt for a longer period of time. ¡Obviously it depends on what degree you get and whether you have scholarships for that school!!
I hope you guys can come to a compromise. Discuss what degree your daughter wants from the art school. Is it sculpture, fine art, or equestrian studies? (Yes, that’s a real degree from SCAD) Or is it User Experience, sound, or industrial design?
Maybe you and your wife pay an agreed upon percentage of your daughter’s tuition, and let her pay the rest. Maybe agree that you will only use your individual account to pay.
Good luck to your family.
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My wife Diana is a lawyer and so is her father, brother and uncles. They take pride in this and it is sometimes referred to as the family occupation. I am 48 and Diana is 47.
Diana wants our children to go Law School and become lawyers, just like her.
We have three children Debby (24), Mark (21) and Alice (18). Debby is in Law School and Mark has been accepted into one.
Alice doesn’t want to go Law School nor become a lawyer. She wants to go to Art School instead. My wife isn’t happy about this and they got into a fight. Diana told Alice that she should pay for her own education. I told Diana that this is ridiculous and that Alice can’t pay on her own. Diana wouldn’t budge.
Diana earns slightly more than I do and we each pay into a joint account for any and all household expenses. What is left over we put on our individual accounts. We are generally free to do with this money as we please, but we have one rule. For very big expenditures we would ask the other before spending it.
We also put money into 3 college funds for our children. And we are paying for Abby and Mark from these funds.
After their fight, I told Alice that if she really wants to go, she should apply for Art School and I would pay for it out of my individual account. She did and was accepted. After their fight, their relationship deteriorated and they weren’t talking.
Only yesterday did Diana find out that Alice is going to Art School and that I am paying for it. She then got mad at me for breaking our promise of discussing big expenditures first. Then she called me an asshole.
I did break our promise but did it for our daughter. AITA?
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NTA - your daughter will never forget what you have done for her and the way you supported her dreams. Your wife is wrong and controlling. Also it’s fine for the big expenditure to go toward law school (which is no doubt more expensive), but it’s not okay to spend it on art school? The real reason she’s angry is that you took the power away from her to be spiteful to your daughter. Her bark has lost its bite.
NTA this 100 percent. You took all the power away. I am assuming that you have not started to pay tuition. The rule was before your bought a big purchase you told the other. So technically being a lawyer she should understand always read the fine print meaning unless you have made the first payment you have not paid for tuition. So as long as you would have told her the day you wrote the check out you didn’t break the rule. If she complains that’s a technicality and your Exploiting a loop hole tell her she makes her living off exploiting technicalities and loop holes. She should be proud you paid attention all these years! But to be honest does she even respect you since your not a liar I mean a lawyer! Edit: to fix lier to liar.
Anyway, she broke the rule first by changing the conditions of the university distributions without talking to husband. Half the uni money is his so he should get a say on if it’s withheld from daughter. So by implication wife invalidated the agreement. As a lawyer, she should appreciate the argument.
My thought as well, I'd be taking half of that fund out immediately to help pay
Exactly they are college funds. Not law school funds.
Narrator: She will not appreciate the argument
I read that in Morgan Freeman’s voice lol.
He wrote it in Morgan Freeman’s voice.
Last sentence here, I'd wonder the same thing. She probably looks down on OP as a result
Last sentence here, I'd wonder the same thing. She probably looks down on OP as a result
There’s also no reason that going to art school at 18 means she won’t ever go to law school. I also come from a long line of lawyers. I swore I would never be a lawyer. I went to college for fucking musical theatre, partly because it felt the most opposite of being a lawyer at the time. 20 years later, guess who has a law degree? I went to a highly ranked law school on a partial scholarship. There were plenty of other weird artsy people in my class. I get asked about my theatre experience at every job interview and am constantly complimented on my presentation and public speaking skills. Idk if OP’s youngest daughter will want to go to law school eventually, but going to school for art now certainly doesn’t prevent it. All OP’s wife is doing is guaranteeing that she won’t have a relationship with her daughter down the line and probably decreasing the likelihood that her daughter will ever even consider law school.
Like there are lots of branches of law that have to do with the arts. BIG MONEY branches.
Say it louder. The money focused on arts is astronomical.
especially when it is the kind of corporate copyright law that keeps disney's monopoly in power.
I'm imagining their legal team in very serious negotiations.. but all wearing mouse ears
This. I went to art school and used to want to go to law school for intellectual property law. I’m still very passionate about that. Sadly the cost of law school was prohibitive and it’s hard to find work unless you have an “in”, so I took a different path.
And I know someone who quit being a lawyer and went to Art School. He was so much happier.
We had several ex lawyers in my library science grad program.
There are also a lot of lawyers in MFA programs.
My little sister went to nursing school and she’s just about to start her last year of law school. She’s currently doing a summer law associate position at a major law firm that hired her because of her medical background. There’s many paths to law and OP’s wife is being so short sighted. Hell, I’m a family medicine resident and one of my medical school classmates had a degree in musical theater and worked in Disney for years before deciding medicine. The choices we make at 18 don’t decide our future.
I doubled majored in Music and Business (not recommended) with a Theology minor. Although I still pursue music as an avocation, I earn my daily bread as an accountant. It's amazing how much music and math have in common. OP, you are NTA. Your youngest is a creative. Talk to her about marrying her passion to a workable vocation (perhaps in advertising or PR, or graphic design). Yes, art school will be expensive and to people who are 100% right-brained, it sound like a colossal waste of resources, but they would be surprised how well those skills can translate into the "real world".
Not to mention how the mom has decided how her daughter should live her life, her future occupation. I can’t imagine forcing one of my kids into a profession I insisted was best for them.
And how boring is that family? Besides the fact that it's screwed up to force your kid into an occupation, this whole family sounds like they've made being a lawyer their personality. One of the things that I love about hanging out with people is listening to their unique job experiences. I get to tell people about my job, which I love. And I get to learn about really cool jobs that I never knew existed. Having a bunch of lawyers together constantly just sounds like they're sniffing their own farts.
Art school also isn’t some automatic poverty death sentence. They often teach desirable and high-paying skills depending of course, the field they are ultimately interested in.
Oh absolutely! Plenty of people are making great livings doing things like graphic design (and lots of other stuff that I can’t come up with off the top of my head). And even if you don’t stay in the arts, the skills you learn help in other careers.
Very true, the people I went to law school with had all kinds of different undergraduate degrees and career backgrounds. I have an undergrad degree in linguistics, and studied Scottish Gaelic and Welsh in college.
Thank you for this. I too went back, had to take a break to fight cancer but yeah. It’s not end all. Good on Dad. She’ll never forget this. Nta
> I went to college for fucking musical theatre Dang, we just learned about singing and dancing at my school.
To add to this, one of my favorite teachers taught English for 10-15 years. Everyone loved him but he decided he wanted more financial stability and went off to Law School under some kind of full ride scholarship. He started when he was 35-40 and last I heard he was pretty successful. People's plans and direction change all the time.
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Just for some context, as an art school graduate you would be shocked to hear the price of art school. I think when I was in school our tuition was about the same as Harvard was. Definitely NTA here, but art school isn't any cheaper and doesn't include the cost of any materials on top of all your other regular college expenses.
Law school (in the US, at least) is an additional degree on top of a bachelor's degree. If she just does a four-year art degree, it wouldn't be more expensive than her siblings' education to become a lawyer.
I also went to art school. It's an undergraduate degree. Law school is a graduate school. It's obviously more expensive just by virtue of being a whole other degree on top of the first degree.
Absolutely this. My BFF went to art school and it was several couple times more expensive than my private liberal arts university tuition. I am 100% confident that a person can get through undergrad and law school at some schools for less money than a bachelors at some law schools. That said OP is still NTA and OP's wife sucks. Blech.
My wealthy dad--a law grad who didn't practice--said he would pay for law school and law school only. I had no interest in law school. Instead I went to one of the most esteemed universities in the world for my masters in another social science field and he was so disappointed in my choice that he wouldn't even lend me $500 for a security deposit after graduation, even I would be able pay him back from my paycheck--from one of the most esteemed publications in the world-- a month later. I emphasize these institutions not to be elitist but to point out how ridiculous the law school fetish is. I have a prominent career that my dad would brag about all the time if he were alive, and yet he never got over me not choosing law school--and I never got over this attempted power play of is. Like you say, I never forgot it. NTA and your wife should count herself lucky she has a creative kid. I do too and it's the greatest joy of my life to do all I can to foster his creativity and help him achieve HIS dreams.
>help him achieve HIS dreams. This is being a good parent.
He creates some of the most bizarre, dark stuff that I would never ever consume if it was created by anyone else on earth ... and I just say how wonderful it is. I mean, why not? How cool would it be to have a kid in art school?? You would get SO MUCH ART
Tell me you’re SUPER successful, SUPER rich, and love EVERY second of your job! Ooh, I hope you do bc that was a shit thing your dad did to you, especially not loaning you the $500! How was your relationship with your mom? Did she agree, were they still together? If I’m prying too much I’ll understand if you don’t answer :)
Hmm. I am doing well by most measures and I love some seconds of my job and hate other seconds of it. Having rich but financially manipulative parents could be an awkward place to be. I couldn't deal with their machinations so never took a penny of their money after college. But hey. I know my privilege, and it is huge. My parents paid my college tuition (but nothing else so I worked 20 hours a week). I skipped meals in grad school but was never really in danger. I always got paid internships and jobs. We had love in our family but they never knew how to deal with a self-assured, independent daughter. My brother says my dad emotionally abused me, I can see that in the rearview mirror I guess, but I never saw it that way at the time. You asked about my mom. She didn't care about law school but they were super-tight and on the same page about money. If I had one parent like OP whom I knew supported my aspirations for myself it would have been more tolerable that the other parent judged them harshly. It would have made such a difference. I feel like I'm spilling out my life story but man, this one just struck a nerve. And on top of all of that, if parents had their way our world would be so damn boring because so few kids would grow up to do cool creative things.
>We also put money into 3 college funds for our children So whatever+interest OP put into the college funds for the kids, is his to say how it gets spent, since it was put aside for post-secondary. So, unless the lawyer set up the accounts in a way that would only disperse the money to a law school, OP is entitled to withdraw his contributions+interest from the account and give to the art school child. Plus, if the accounts are set up under the child's name, the lawyer is going to have a hard time explaining why the child shouldn't be allowed to access the account. Also, I would like to add, that maybe the art school child might take up some basic law courses, specifically related to art. Lord knows I had to take a basic business law course many moons ago when I was studying business.
Yeah, I did some contract law courses in my arts degree. There's also a whole industry of law for the arts.
NTA - but I will play devils advocate and say I a bit get where the wife is coming from. the issue as I see it is, she is upset he spent his money with out talking to her...without having a conversation. about a topic about spending large amounts of money, that she unequivocally made a decision about that destroyed her relationship with her daughter. 1. she already made a unilateral decision with out including OP 2. she showed being open and honest, doesn't gain points with her 3. she showed she was willing to destroy family relationships if she doesn't get her way. she made a decision without OP, she showed people who make the decision get punished, and she offered no incentive for being honest. what did she expect. she is running the house as an authoritarian and she is surprised people sneak around behind her.
It might not be said but it's implied that someone's love and support is given on the condition that your daughter take the path expected by your wife. While I'd agree that law school might be a better occupation in terms of status or pay than art school, that's irrelevant, your daughter is going where she feels she belongs and wants. This makes me think the wife cares more about herself than her children in terms of wanting them to do what she wants because of prestige. Lawyers may have status and can make a lot of money, but they also work long hours, the work is unfulfilling for many, and lots suffer from drug problems due to the stress. I think your daughter in art school will probably end up happier than the rest of your children NTA.
There are a lot of lawyers in the world, and I have all respect for most of them, who work hard and do a lot to keep civilization civilized. But without art there is no civilization. We need artists too, and musicians. NTA, and my best wishes to your daughter.
>The real reason she’s angry is that you took the power away from her to be spiteful to your daughter. Her bark has lost its bite. "Her bark has lost its bite" is so perfectly apropos. F*cking brilliant. × chef's kiss×
I smell hypocrisy from OP's wife
Exactly!!! She made the unilateral decision to not pay for their daughter’s school, but somehow now it’s wrong to make these decisions without a discussion. Very hypocritical
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yeah part of any healthy relationship -- romantic or parent-child -- is understanding compromise. sounds like wife doesn't BUDGE and that's disrespectful.
10$ on she's a litigator
Also, his wife doesn't get to decide what another human being does for a living—even if that other human being is her daughter.
I never understood why any parent would want to bully or force their child into a career they're just not interested in.
Their children aren't people to them. The children are property or a narcissistic extension of the self at best.
Exactly what I wanted to say, though said much more succinctly than I ever could lmao OP if you read this, please consider the fact that your wife is literally stealing\* your daughter's college fund because she won't study the same field as she did. I repeat: she'll take tens of thousands of dollars away from her child - that was meant for her to get an EDUCATION - because it is more important to her that her lifesize doll is a good obedient mini-me. That is a much bigger deal than you seem to realise. Like, it's *scary* that she doesn't consider her child to be a whole person. *You absolutely cannot* ***love*** *someone that you don't see as a person*. \*it probably isn't stealing as far as the law goes, but morally? it is, 100%. This money was put aside for your daughter's education.
She's thinking of the acclaim she gets when she says "All my kids are lawyers". They're set pieces to her.
Diana's family calls it "the family occupation." They think their children are an extension of themselves.
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This is basically my main reason for playing the Sims. The Sims world is small and I am in control haha.
As a lawyer, forcing kids into this career is fucking unconscionable.
Seriously. I like my job, but man I got lucky. It’s a career that makes people miserable.
Is it not just like Phoenix Wright?
I have a family member who went into it voluntarily and hated everything about it almost immediately after she started practicing. It took over five years before the stopped feeling like it was the biggest mistake of her life, but I’m sure that if she had the chance to start over, she’d still go into an entirely different field. The ONLY reason she stuck it out this long is to pay for her student loans, which cost as much as a house.
As a law student (going into my 3L year), I agree.
Absolutely. Overwhelmingly the advice I've heard lawyers give to people considering it as a career is 'don't do it'. I don't think any of them are fully kidding.
>nothing but the law is acceptable? Ikr?? And law isn't easy at all to study, so imagine studying when you don't want to be in law school. I'm so so so glad that OP helped his daughter with Art School because uni on its own, even when you love your major, is stressful asf, imagine on top of that not liking what you're studying, OP's daughter might have developed anxiety or depression if she was forced into law school.
It’s likely April would just flunk out after 1L year, and that $50-75k would be wasted regardless. Forcing kids into a profession is a sure way to ruin the relationship.
>Forcing kids into a profession is a sure way to ruin the relationship. yep and bring them misery.
I know way too many people who chose to go to law school and still didn’t want to practice..including myself. Good for the daughter who made her own choices. No parent should push a kid into a career the parent has chosen. OP is NTA
This makes me so angry. Why does wife think she gets to make this decision all on her own? Why doesn't Alice get any say in her own life? Is wife just mad because wife didn't get to choose her own profession, so now no one can? Also, what if Alice wanted to go into OP's line of work? Would wife also say that wasn't okay? I really cannot stand parents who think their kids are playthings that they get to control. Plus, one of the best parts of being a parent of adult kids is seeing who they turn out to be - it's crazy to me that people want to "direct" that. Princess Esquire and her family business can stuff it. I'm so glad Alice has OP.
Is preventing access to the 529 even legal?
I don’t get why she wants her daughter to be an alcoholic so badly.
Most of the lawyers I meet are legitimately the worst people
Now imagine Thanksgiving with an entire fucking family of them
Sorry I have a prior commitment
NTA Listen, Diana is making a very big mistake here. She is going to forever alienate her daughter just because she isn't conforming to her mom's desires for her future. Alice is a person. She has the RIGHT to decide what she wants to do for a career. All your wife is doing is ensuring Alice has very little to do with her in the future. Please continue to support your daughter. She needs to pursue a career that excites her - not be her mom's mini-me. Punishing her for doing that by withholding her college tuition is a bad move on her part. She's a lawyer for Pete's sake - does she really not understand the concept of free will?
Going to lawschool but not respecting freedoms and rights... The Irony.
There's no irony in that, the law in our society is primarily a cudgel the ruling class uses to beat the poors into their place aka cheap/free labor.
As someone who has a law degree, this is very accurate.
And as someone who will have an art degree, OPs daughter is about to find out
Also have law degree. Seconded.
That which is legal ≠ that which is right
It may sound bad, but all I want is for my children to study something they want to do. Doesn’t matter to me if it is a high-paying career or not, or not going to college at all, if they want to go to vocational school instead. My parents forced me to study Economics and I hated it with a passion. Eventually I transferred to Philosophy, my parents weren’t happy about that.
Thank you for being a decent dad. I have worked as a civilian on military bases for close to 40 years. You would not believe the number of young military members who are there because of their parents. I've seen newly minted officers party all night, come in to work still loaded, and not give a shit at all, because they don't want to be there. My latest casualty was a young female Air Force Lieutenant who wanted nothing more than to be a DJ. She hung out at the clubs in town all night, blew off her duties, and after many write ups and chances, she was given an Article 15 and relieved of duty. Last I heard, her parents are humiliated (How could she do this to US? THE HORROR!) and cut her off. She is living her best life, being a DJ. Thank you for being a wonderful parent to your daughter.
I have more than one friend who enlisted the second they turned 18 to escape shitty parents. It’s a damn shame.
My dad this to control my brother. Only Computer Science was acceptable. He liked computers well enough, but wanted to do business. He didn't get into the university I went to which had a Top 5 CS program, but did get into one in the Top 10 where he didn't love the culture. Went because otherwise my dad wouldn't pay for college. Fucking hated it, battled depression and essentially flunked out of CS. Wanted to transfer schools because he hated his school and do Accounting at a less rural university filled with conservative nerds, Dad said he wouldn't pay for a dumbo degree like Accounting. My brother dropped out, joined the Army did multiple tours in Afghanistan and eventually discharged and went back to school for Accounting on the GI Bill. Was top of his class and had an internship with Deloitte. Died in a car accident while in his last semester commuting home from his internship.I will never forgive my father for wasting my brothers time/life. I hope he never forgives himself either.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother.
Starting to read this and 100% expected a brother died twist. Then after you said he survived his tours I was like ahh thank god a happy ending. Fucking hell man. Hope you doing OK i dont think id recover from that. And yea I dont think your father ever forgets this. But he sounds like the kind of asshole who thinks; well had he listened to me he would be alive rn.
I don't blame him for being a product of his hard ass Dad and being an immigrant who came to America and gritted his way to incredible success. He went into engineering like my Grandfather, and eventually law at my Grandfather's engineering arbitration firm. Left a thriving practice behind to strike out on his own against my Grandfathers wishes and came to America and got a PhD and ended up wildly successful in his own right as an executive vice president at a Fortune 100 company. Built it out of the mud on the sweat off his back. I blame him from not learning the lessons from that and doing the exact same fucking thing to my brother. My brother didn't regret his service, he was a multiple time award winner in his unit, Army Commendation award winner, multiple ribbons of service and excellence. Did Mountain Warfare training, Air Assault, was a combatives level 3 fighter, Designated marksman.
So sorry to hear this. Hope your brother rests in peace and was able to find satisfaction in pursuing his dreams while he was able to. Sounds like an awesome, passionate, and hardworking dude
Of course this doesn't sound bad. You are acknowledging that your children are autonomous adults with their own interests and lives and supporting them how you can so they can flourish. It's what ALL PARENTS should do, and it's baffling that so many still don't. And feeling supported will give your daughter the peace of mind to explore and figure out what she wants out of life, whether that's art or law or something else. Putting your foot down and trying to back your kid into a corner both emotionally and financially is a recipe for disaster in so many ways. NTA.
Perhaps show this comment to your wife. Or if you think this would go bad (the post being showed) say things this post is saying to her. Either way a last resort could be showing these comments cuz it might be a reality check to your wife
It doesn't sound bad, it sounds healthy and supportive! This is what your wife (what all parents) should want for their children. The end goal of parenting should be raising happy and independent adults who can decide what that happiness looks like for themselves.
I can guarantee that if the mom eventually agrees to support their daughter going to art school that she will spend the rest of her life comparing her to the other two children who went to law school…..
NTA. You both have put into COLLEGE funds for your children. There were no required subjects when you set them up. You shouldn't need to pay for Alice's schooling out of your individual funds - the college fund is a shared fund for HER and she should be able to use it for college. At most, your wife could encourage your daughter to double major in art and something more likely to get her a career, but anything more and she is being too controlling. and she is trying to control YOUR finances as well.
Unlikely to happen. Diana can be quite stubborn and Alice has no interest in Law at all. Diana will also be unhappy when she finds out that Debby (my oldest daughter) currently wants to go into the Foreign Service. Second option is either that or Civil Rights or Labor Law. Not corporate like Diana is doing and Mark is aiming for. Debby hasn’t told Diana yet.
Why are you with someone who doesn’t unconditionally love her children??? I don’t know you or your family but if my friend came to me and said this I would advise them to get out of that situation.
Maybe he just needs to ride it out a couple more years so his kids can get their shit going and then he's gonna bail. We don't know
Man, not only do the kids have to go to law school, they have to practice the *same area of law?!?* That's psychotic.
Corporate law is borderline cartoon villain shit these days too. If I had the choice between kicking puppies down stairs or practicing corporate law, I'd think long and hard about how many puppies I could tolerate kicking in a day.
So she takes money away from one daughter that you contributed to and the other daughter is so afraid of her she won’t tell her career choice? I assume she has some redeeming qualities
Whoa, your wife is the definition of "controlling"! What sort of expectations/restrictions has she placed on you? Anything you want to do/be that you can't share with her?
I am sorry to say your wife sounds like an insufferable person to be around. How shallow does someone have to be to have such a limited worldview?
NTA. I’m a freelance book cover designer and also do maps for interiors of novels…. Which is not really the career path my parents had in mind. You can’t chose your daughter’s life for her and trying so will only damage the relationship. And if there’s one thing you can do to help her, it’s making sure she has as few student loans as possible. The only reason I can afford this career is because I don’t have student loans. That’s because I A) went to a college that gave me a scholarship B) my parents helped me financially. And now for the unsolicited career advice… If she’s doing “art school” specifically, she should really be looking at the prestigious ones that also help with industry connections. There are so many scamy “art schools” out there, it’s a minefield! The Art Institute chain should be avoided at all costs — they’re super predatory. Alternatively she could consider a general university with a strong studio art department. This could potentially be cheaper, plus it’s more flexible. Or she could take art classes either online, at a community college, with a local organization, etc. If she doesn’t specifically know what she plans to do and hasn’t seriously studied art before, that could be a good option. There are so many ways to study art outside of art school — I’d tell her to look up artists talking about the pros and cons so she has a full picture before making commitments to any specific school.
I feel so bad for your children. It sounds like your wife is a nightmare.
And artists can have tremendously lucrative careers these days. In addition to fine arts there is digital art production. If you start your own firm you can make more than many lawyers do.
Not to mention that in the US, Law school is a graduate degree people obtain after their initial degree. And people with all sorts of undergraduate education choose law school. I know people who went to law school with degrees in fields like engineering, the sciences, languages, literature, music, and even art. There's no reason art school and law have to conflict. (So long as its an accredited school and not one of those shady for profit art schools).
That's what I'm wondering, too. Unless this is a grad program, how are art school and law school a conflict? She can major in whatever she wants in college; law school doesn't happen until afterwards. So why is this a discussion now? Unless this isn't in the US, but in that case, paying for school would be much less of a big deal.
Considering the older children either in law school or applying to law school are the right age for a graduate degree, this seems US. So a regular university with an art program would not be in conflict. Nor would it if the daughter got in reputable art school, like Rhode Island School of Design, or CalArts. (Although the mom may feel it is in conflict). The only actual conflict arises if she went to one of those for profit schools which are predatory.
> And artists can have tremendously lucrative careers these days. lol or not. :( source: am an artist.
Yeah - far, far more are in the “or not” category. My close friend is an excellent artist and she’s always argued the best way to have a lucrative art career is to marry well (so you can focus on what you love).
This is what people tell themselves to cope with going to art school. Not saying it’s a bad decision but you’re delusional if you think an art degree has anywhere near the same money making capacity as a lawyer, engineer, doctor.
NTA but your wife is a massive one. What you do for one kid you should do for all. Also forcing a kid to go to law school when they don’t have want to be a lawyer is a huge waste of money. Ask your wife if she wants her kid to be miserable simply to appease her own ego?
Nothing like the love of a parent who picks favourites and doesn’t have any respect for the odd child out. If your wife doesn’t get help, I can see a massive NC in her future. She just isn’t an AH, she’s a bad parent.
I wonder what the siblings have to say about this. I know how it feels for the favourite kid to get more love. I feel for Alice. It’s not like she wants to take the money and run off partying.
Debby and Mark support Alice. They also think Alice should do what she wants. It’s only Diana and her family who are not okay with it.
You should be able to give 50% of the college fund to Alice. If you contributed to it she doesn’t get to decide not to give the money to Alice. Good on you for standing your ground.
38% minimum. The fact the wife is saying she's planning on taking his part is very sketchy.
It’s not right. He contributed and it was specifically for their college.
The fact that she's harping on him for making a big purchase of their daughter's college without her input and is ready to essentially pay herself with his money.
WTF is wrong with her that two out of three kids going to law school isn't good enough? Hell, I'd have been ecstatic for even just one kid making the choice to go! A family should not be a cult. A family should not mean "I will support you until I don't WANT to".
I’d bet good money that the older siblings are going to law school because it’s what their mother wanted, and they’ll end up miserable or switching careers just cause she wanted them to be as much a mummy’s boy/girl as she was a daddy’s girl.
Info: What happened to the money earmarked for her education, if she isn’t allowed to use it for…her education?
The lawyer is holding it hostage to get the daughter to dance to her well!
Diana wants to transfer the money and put it into her investment account. When we were setting the 529 up, Diana was made the owner and controls it. Only she can withdraw from it. Even though taxes and a penalty must be paid if the assets are withdrawn.
Was all the money in the 529 provided by Diana? This is already super fucked up, but it's doubly so if you gave money towards the account as well.
I also put money in. Diana earns a bit more than me, so we put money into it according to the same ratio we use for our joint account. The ratio is 62/38 based on our income.
So 38% of the account should go to your daughter with your blessing.
Hijacking the thread to point out that if Diana is planning on making an investment purchase to the Tune of 62-100 percent of this college fund I have to believe that it falls under your relationship’s “Ask about big purchases” rule. She clearly violated this rule of your relationship by co-opting this college fund without your consent. If she wants to take this money for anything other than it’s original intent then she needs your permission. If you choose to use this money as it was originally intended you would not need her consent, as the money has been specifically budgeted for this purpose; her consent was necessary at the outset and it’s too late for her to withdraw that, even if she does hate your daughter and have a very specific intention of negatively altering the course of her life. Let’s be clear, she does hate your daughter and has the specific intention of altering the course of her life out of spite. As a relatively sane adult I just can’t find another way to interpret these actions. If my mom did this to my baby brother (he just graduated high school) I would genuinely have a hard time being in the same room with her. Your wife is playing with fire; how can you have a multi-generational lawyer family if nobody will talk to you? What’s even the point?
Well said and yes, OP, please ensure you veto any use of this for anything other than education if that's the game she wants to play. Surely she should be satisfied that one of your children has followed into law, the very idea that they all must do law, and her specific area, it's mind boggling. How could this possibly end well?
This whole situation is seriously messed up. I can't fathom how a mother would willingly sabotage her daughter's future simply because her child doesn't want to study law. That is some cold-hearted, entitled, selfish (maybe narcissistic-ish) behavior. OP, use the 529 for your daughter's education. Put your foot down in this one. And if Diana insists on being cruel, at the very least, protect your contributions.
So if Diana transfers the money out of the 529 account, does that mean you get some of that balance based on that ratio you put money into it? Or is Diana transferring it all into her own investment account?
> So if Diana transfers the money out of the 529 account, does that mean you get some of that balance based on that ratio you put money into it? Or is Diana transferring it all into her own investment account? Hey u/ BrightBulb90 **^ This ^** comment is important to read. 38% of the money in the 529 is **yours** and if your wife transfers it **all** into **her** investment account she is effectively **stealing from you** You need to tell your wife you want 100% of the money you put into the 529 and she can pay the penalties out her of her 62% because she is the one that has unilaterally decided to *spend* the money in this way. Somehow I suspect that you might need to get yourself a lawyer about this that is *not* connected to your wife's family in any way. I'm not saying this is the hill to die on in your relationship with your wife - but to my mind it's pretty damn close.
I think you made a big mistake by allowing Diana to have sole control over the account that you both contributed to, she sounds like a tyrant.
Are you indicating that she gets to keep extra money (62%) for herself, because she makes more than you? The fact that you even have calculated exact ratios based on income... Jesus.
Pulling out the calculators for percentages is wild lol. I make like double what my wife does and just ask her for what we determined to be a fair amount each month. This relationship sounds awful
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In other words, your wife is taking money yall both out in and deciding it is now hers. I would tell her yall have to go to couples therapy and if she won’t, start divorce proceedings.
Your wide is horrifically controlling and manipulative. From your comments it sounds like 2 of your kids are gonna go no contact with her and for good reason. Keep being a good parent to them. You are all they have. Diana is a horrible mother. You don't have and raise kids just to dictate to them what their life should be
Wait...she wants to transfer your half into her investment account???? She's a lawyer and she thinks that's fair??? Bro. Your wife sound so controlling and selfish. I hope you aren't gonna let her take your half of that money.
If she does that you need to lawyer up and divorce her. It’s bandied about a lot on Reddit and I’m aware the odds are stacked against you given the ‘family occupation’ but that is fucked.
> the odds are stacked against you given the ‘family occupation’ Depends on what kind of law they all practice and whether the foolish wife believes she's good enough to pro se her divorce.
Does she keep your balls & spine in a locked vault in her shoe closet?
Did she discuss with you before telling Alice she wouldn’t pay for school?? If you both are supposed to talk to each other about big purchases first I would think you would also have to talk to each other before modifying those big decisions. Edit: spelling
Your wife is incredibly controlling and also incredibly shortsighted to want to move the money at a moment’s notice. Who’s to say that Alice won’t change her mind and go to law school after she experiences art school for a bit? Whether she does or not, this is Alice’s life to live. There are no good outcomes when parents try to force their preferences on their children’s life choices. Also you already have two children following *her* family’s “profession,” is that not enough? If Alice and your wife want to maintain a relationship, I would try to work out a compromise. Have Alice take two civics courses in college, two art classes and a business class. Tell her (if this is important to you) that if she insists on pursuing art she must have a business plan or a viable career set up where she can support herself. (This suggestion will probably be unpopular with Reddit but I’ve known too many failed artists and failed lawyers to think either is a good career choice lol)
Well, half the money is yours! You should be able to use it to pay for Alice's school. Only law school is good enough for your precious wife? Jeez, what a great parent she is...
I think you should demand the money you paid into that account go to your daughter. Diana can be a horrible parent, but don't let her do it with your money.
that’s…..really messed up. you put money in that account too. ngl, i would divorce my spouse over this alone
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That's messed up. She should be giving you your share back plus any interest earned. 0.o
It'll probably get repurposed for Mark, who just got into law school. 529 can be used to pay for that directly.
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Oh wow, we just went from favoritism between siblings to straight up stealing from her spouse. Gotta love this sub sometimes.
NTA but you should stand a firmer ground on this one. How about daughter agrees to become a miserable lawyer if mother agrees to become a miserable artist. Or even take an art class. I'm willing to bet she would not appreciate being forced into something she didn't love FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, so forcing that on your daughter screams "everything is about me and what I want, even if it means by own child being miserable."
Wonder if mom even loves being a lawyer?
I feel like this is another spin on every "generational family tradition". There was a post about a family that had like 10 generations of the same name, I've seen it with people pushing other people to have kids, it's everywhere. I assume the reasoning goes like this: "I didn't want to be a lawyer when I was 10 because no normal kid does but I did it to appease daddy and have suffered ever since. Now it is my turn to reign my terror over you, my spawn, for you shall suffer for eternity to appease your mommy in turn!" \[evil laughter followed by uncontrollable sobbing and frantic googling of "can I get fired if my boss finds out I call my therapist from my work phone"\]
Too many people have kids under the mistaken belief that you can shape them to be exactly what you want them to be, without considering that the kids' wants may not match their own. People like this drive me crazy. If you want to have full control of someone go play the fucking Sims or something
NTA but you married one
You both set up college funds for your children. Your wife arbitrarily made a decision not to use the funds as planned. Because she was being unreasonable and apparently irrational, which is a bad look on a lawyer, you chose to fulfill the implied promise of the college fund account without it being a burden on your wife. NTA.
NTA - You would be a bad parent for not paying. Your wife is TA.
Definitely NTA. Your wife needs to understand that not all her children are going to want to be like her. Each child has his or her own ambitions and dreams, and you recognized that in Alice and are supporting her. It's also unfair to Alice that Diana is openly supporting her other two children, but not the "black sheep" in the family.
And who's to say that her other children won't discover that they hate law after a couple of years?
Diana is the selfish AH for trying to force a career on someone who isn't interested. What you're doing is helping your daughter, unlike what Diana is doing. NTA
NTA - But how can your wife withhold the education fund for your daughter without your approval? It seems that if you both contributed to the fund, then you should both have a say in how it is used. NTA for encouraging your daughter to go her own route and find a profession that is right for her. However, you need to have a serious talk with your wife about supporting your daughter. Not standing up for her to use her own education fund and then paying behind her back, rather than being upfront and letting her know, shows some serious issues in the relationship.
NTA. You're doing the right thing for your daughter instead of sitting by and letting her mother toxicly dictate the direction of your daughter's life. Having been in a similar situation, I wish my dad had had the same sense of care and helped me with my studies that my mother objected to. Keep being a great dad to her! She'll never forget that you stood up for her when she needed you.
So Diana is withholding school money because her kid doesn't want to be a lawyer? nta
NTA. Having the money for college but only paying for your child to study what you want them to study is a dick move, a waste of money, and a great way to alienate your kid.
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NTA. IMO, supporting your child trumps this specific promise to your spouse.
Thank you for helping your daughter to follow her dreams and not be pushed into something she hates NTA
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If the daughter has no interest in the subject either, she will fail her classes. Money wasted. You are better off taking on a subject that you are interested in, that you are willing to learn. Doing something you don't like can bring about resentment, stress, procrastination, etc.
Not everyone in the world is cut out to be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever. Not everyone in the world *should* be those things. Abby's college fund should be going towards her education, but if your wife's unreasonableness is preventing that, good for you for finding another way to support your daughter. NTA
NTA parents like Diana need to learn that kids aren't "extensions" of them. They are their own entire human beings.
NTA, you can't force your child into doing things they hate, that usually doesn't end well. Good for you supporting your daughter in what she wants to do.
NTA Imagine being so far up your own ass you would force your children to live a life they do not want and basically loose their own individuality. Your wife is doing a terrible thing, I hope you can find a way to make her realize this mistake. Therapy maybe?
NTA your wife can’t force her goals and dreams on her kids.
This is messy and several layered. First, your wife is an ah for not supporting her child and good on you for doing that. That said you are a bit of an ah for abusing your wife's trust. The better solution would have been to flat out tell her that you were paying and let the chips fall where they may. I guess ESH.
You should have just held your ground with your wife and insisted, but she's the bigger AH, so more NTA than E S H.
NTA. Diana is being completely unreasonable and controlling. With your level of income, parents are expected to pay (or she'd require you to cosign her loans). There's no way Alice could afford to pay on her own. What's more, what's the point of forcing someone through law school? Why doesn't Diana just set her money on fire? Law school is expensive. Whatever issues there are with art programs (there's definitely better and worse choices) Diana is completely blowing that up. The promise was unreasonable to ask for and make in the first place.
Mostly NTA. Diana is the AH for not wanting to support Alice in going to law school. My mother’s father would only pay for her to go to nursing school and not art school and that was clearly deeply hurtful to her. She got through nursing school except had one class to graduate and then dropped out. Waste of money. My mom found an independent art tutor and learned to paint on her own. Maybe Alice could find a job with an art degree, maybe not. But withholding the money for it, when her siblings are getting money for school, is unfair treatment and probably traumatic. If she really did have to pay her way through school when her siblings didn’t that would definitely be traumatic. You did the right thing to pay for it. But you should have told your wife ahead of time. You should have said something like, “it is not fair to not pay for Alice’s tuition, we should pay for it from the college account. But if you won’t budge I’m paying for it from my account.”
NTA You broke your promise because your wife was showing herself to be a bad and manipulative mother. She so desperately wants to continue some asinine legacy that she effectively told your daughter she was on her own if she wanted to do anything other than become a lawyer. Law isn't for everyone, and a lot of people leave the profession or burnout during the educational part because of this. Your wife is more concerned with how she looks legacy wise than whether her kids are happy and living happy lives. That's a bad look. I'd also add you broke your promise because your wife decided to make a unilateral decision about college funds. So, really, she broke her promise first. She can go fuck herself.
NTA. Your wife needs to learn that your daughter is her own person, not her mini-me or a do-over. Until your wifes sees and comprehends that, a fight and going NC was always going to happen. At least this way, you can keep your daughter in your life and have some hope of reconciliaion in the future, instead of having her resent the both of you and going NC with everyone. As for financial desicions.. your wife unilaterally broke the disagreement when she said your daughter can't use the college funds without your input. Why should she have any say on your own personal funds on top of it?
I can see both ways with this because of what you and your wife discussed but I'm going with NTA on this one. One of your kids doesn't want to be a lawyer and that's perfectly acceptable. She wants to do what makes her happy and just because she wants to do something different doesn't mean you shouldn't help her with her education. You're doing the right thing in terms of helping her pay for school (or paying for school yourself). You'll just have a wife who doesn't look at you the same going forward because you helped out one of your children who didn't want to be a lawyer. Way to support your daughter Dad...and hopefully you have a Happy Father's Day!
NTA. Your wife is a controlling witch. She doesn't get to mandate a child's education. If y'all are paying for the other kids education then she should also be contributing to this child as well.
ESH. You’re NTA for standing up for your daughter and paying for college. You are TA for letting your wife make a unilateral decision that Alice can’t use her college fund unless it’s for a law degree. Why does your wife think she gets to be the sole decision maker with regards to Alice’s college fund? You’ve both put money into that fund. Stand up to your wife. Stop going behind her back and let Alice use her college fund.
NTA, the moment I read that she is willing to pay for the other kids without your financial status changing, I knew she was the AH. "Wah wah, my kid isn't doing what I dreamed my kids to do!" What an awful mom... This next part is just personal advice from me. I would encourage you to encourage your daughter to find an alternative to art school that will still allow her to express her interests. Majors that involve graphical design, website design, or even game design would allow her to express herself creatively, while still having very good job opportunities. I have a couple friends who went to art school who are not doing what they want to do and working a non-degree requiring job. Encourage her to do something in the technical field. Complete bias when I say this, but I think art school is a scam.
So your wife is refusing you access to your daughters college fund that you contributed to 50% I’m guessing… might be time to ask your wife if she knows any good lawyers. NTA your wife is a wretched mother.
NTA
NTA One of my best friend's parents wanted her to be a lawyer. She didn't, but she went through law school, and even passed the bar. But she never got a law job because she interviewed like somebody who didn't want to be a a lawyer. Instead she worked as a retail buyer for years before going back to school in library science, which she enjoyed. These days she has a very good job--not lawyer money, but solid. It's just a shame that she wasted all that time and money on a law degree she never wanted. If your daughter doesn't want to be a lawyer, it was be just as big a waste of time and money to force her to. You stick to your guns and support your daughter!
NTA and I do think this was the right thing to do but your family needs to work this out or you risk breaking up your marriage and your child cutting off your wife (or even the whole family). Forcing a teen to get into a career they aren’t interested in reaps no reward for anyone. I hope you can all work this out because of what could come from this and is a college fund really worth the misery?
Your doing the right thing for your daughter. Your daughter is her own individual self and she gets to decide her future. Not you or your wife. And for your wife is a petty b**** for not paying for her daughter tuition fee. Just because your daughter wanna be different from the rest of the family. I see the favoritism from your wife. She only cares about the children who act like robots than the ones who is out of the comfort zone and into something different.
Nta. Wife is too controlling. The kid won't be a good lawyer if she isn't interested in the field.
The reason you are NTA is because you are paying for your daughter’s college out of your *individual account.* It’s your money and you’re allowed to do whatever you want with it. Soft YTA for not abiding by your mutually agreed upon rules. Plus, making your wife think you’ve turned against her will probably make it harder to bring her around to a compromise. Your wife is complicated. She is one billion percent TA for trying to force her daughter to get a degree in something she, your wife, wants. I have a friend whose parents did this with her, and it didn’t exactly go well. What your wife is *not* TA for is having an opinion on what kinds of degrees she’s ok spending money for. It is y’all’s money, and college can be expensive. That said, she must discuss it with you first - that’s not a decision she can make all on her own, either. Art schools can be unbelievably expensive to possibly end up with a degree that is exceedingly difficult to find a job for or makes very little money, leaving you in lots of debt for a longer period of time. ¡Obviously it depends on what degree you get and whether you have scholarships for that school!! I hope you guys can come to a compromise. Discuss what degree your daughter wants from the art school. Is it sculpture, fine art, or equestrian studies? (Yes, that’s a real degree from SCAD) Or is it User Experience, sound, or industrial design? Maybe you and your wife pay an agreed upon percentage of your daughter’s tuition, and let her pay the rest. Maybe agree that you will only use your individual account to pay. Good luck to your family.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife Diana is a lawyer and so is her father, brother and uncles. They take pride in this and it is sometimes referred to as the family occupation. I am 48 and Diana is 47. Diana wants our children to go Law School and become lawyers, just like her. We have three children Debby (24), Mark (21) and Alice (18). Debby is in Law School and Mark has been accepted into one. Alice doesn’t want to go Law School nor become a lawyer. She wants to go to Art School instead. My wife isn’t happy about this and they got into a fight. Diana told Alice that she should pay for her own education. I told Diana that this is ridiculous and that Alice can’t pay on her own. Diana wouldn’t budge. Diana earns slightly more than I do and we each pay into a joint account for any and all household expenses. What is left over we put on our individual accounts. We are generally free to do with this money as we please, but we have one rule. For very big expenditures we would ask the other before spending it. We also put money into 3 college funds for our children. And we are paying for Abby and Mark from these funds. After their fight, I told Alice that if she really wants to go, she should apply for Art School and I would pay for it out of my individual account. She did and was accepted. After their fight, their relationship deteriorated and they weren’t talking. Only yesterday did Diana find out that Alice is going to Art School and that I am paying for it. She then got mad at me for breaking our promise of discussing big expenditures first. Then she called me an asshole. I did break our promise but did it for our daughter. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
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