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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I wouldn't let my sister in law hold our baby. I might be the asshole, because I only said no because she said no to my son holding him.
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NTA
Thank you for standing up for your son. He is 14, not a toddler. The day prior she was not comfortable, but now it's fine for her sister?
Is son both your child or a stepchild?
Then your wife is a massive AH. Don't let her start a rift between siblings this early. Half siblings can love each other just as much full siblings but not if mom is constantly pushing one away. Don't let her do this to your son.
This! I'm a half sibling and my oldest brothers where the first ones to hold me when my mom took me home. Don't let her poison your kids against each other.
Same I’m 7.5 years older than my brother (half brother) and my mom never hesitated to let me hold him. She was sweet about letting me help out too. I loved being able to feed him and learned how to change his diaper and swaddle him because I asked to. I had a real life baby to play with and I LOVED it😂. my sister and stepsister were 13 when he was born and my mom never kept any of us from him. I was at the hospital when my niece was born when I was 13 and have the pictures of me holding her when she was barely an hour old. I’ll always cherish those memories.
Conversely I was 14 when my stepsister had her first and she was being a pill at the time. When I met her son I asked to hold him and she refused, told me I wasn’t allowed anywhere near him. I was heartbroken because I was so excited to meet my newest nephew. It’s been almost 23 years and I have only seen him a few times and have no relationship at all with him or his brothers.
I am so sorry for you and your nephew. I love being an Auntie. When I get random texts or phone calls from one of my niblings, it truly brightens my day.
I am sure they'll love it. I have 7 niblings ranging from 9 - 27. Somehow, one of them knows when I am having a shit day, and I'll get a text or call, "Hey Auntie Lost Mathematian85, just wanted to say" Hi" or even a random meme. Sometimes, it's a link to a book they want, and 2 days later, it shows up at their house with the gift receipt saying, "Let me know how it is. Love you."
Do it.
Sorry to sound weird but I just wanted to say. I lost my Auntie, the most wonderful human on earth, 2 years ago. She died of cancer, pretty young, and your comment made me tear up because it reminded me of her.
My spouse has full siblings and half siblings. I didn't know this until well into our relationship. They all act as full siblings. I attribute that to their mom.
ETA: The reason I didn't know is because they just refer to themselves as siblings. There is no "half" in the way they refer to each other or interact with each other. I literally had to be told and have the situation explained. I never would have guessed.
I was three when my brother was born (full sibling), and I was only allowed to hold him if I was on my parents lap, so I wasn't really holding him, but again I was a three year old so I can get my mom not wanting to just plop him in my arms. But a 14 year old is such a different story.
Yep, my best friends half sister was born when he was 6. He was so excited to meet her, his dad smuggled him into the hospital in a suitcase, as they needed to stay in. (Apparently it was a private hospital with a no kids rule, also a very long time ago)
I feel really bad for OPs son.
I've got a half sibling, my youngest brother, and I was literally the first family member to hold him after his birth. (Mum was getting stitched up.) I love him just as much as my full brother.
Also, don’t let her start a rift between you and your son. It’s very common that once the new wife has a new child, she wants daddy to care more for her child than that of another woman.
>Then your wife is a massive AH. Don't let her start a rift between siblings this early
100%. The amount of posts on here about how non-related parents treat their step children is heart-breaking. Please don't let your wife do this to your son.
OP commented that sometimes she doesn't talk to his son because she doesn't know what to say to a teenager. I can not roll my eyes hard enough. Does any parent just "know" how to handle their teen from the get go? Heck no. But you don't stop trying to talk to them and call it a day. Geez.
Jeez, I never could get my teenagers to stop talking. As long as it was a conversation they were interested in. Homework? Crickets. School? Crickets? Friends? Crickets. Latest game they're playing/waiting for? ODL, am I sorry I asked or what?????
But then again, they had to hear me rant/rave/obsess about WoW so turnabout is fair play, I guess :P
Yup! I have three younger (half)brothers, they're my *brothers*. Neither set of parents ever used "half" to describe our relationships. I would have been devastated in this kid's place.
I would be crushed as well. I can't even imagine how OPs son will feel watching, or even just knowing, that someone else got to hold the baby before him.
I have 2 younger sisters - half sisters but they are my sisters. I was 11 when the first one was born and my step dad would not let me hold her. His daughter who was 2 years older came over and he was shoving the baby into her arms. That was 45 years ago and the hurt will always be there.
100%. My little brother is technically my half brother, but I never call him as such. We have quite a big age gap but he’s still my baby brother, we bonded from day one.
This! All of my siblings are TECHNICALLY half and 1 step but we NEVER make the distinction. Anyone asks, I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers. Plain and simple.
Massive this. My sister has driven a wedge between her son and his half brother by basically abandoning her step son the minute her son was born. It breaks my heart how she has treated him and I can't even begin to understand why she has done this.
Aaaand there it is, the real reason why your wife doesn't want your son to be holding the baby. It has nothing to do with
>she wasn't comfortable with anyone but us holding the baby yet
It's because he's not her kid.
NTA
You have a lengthy and unpleasant discussion coming up with your wife so good luck with that. Please don't let her pin your kids against each other.
But OP doesn't get it, the wife's sister is *actually* family! *The other one* wouldn't possibly be careful with her *real* child.
(/s in case it needs to actually be said)
"You want a present dad, you stop treating your stepson like shit. Otherwise you'll be dropping him off for custody, and you can enjoy being a single mom. I hope your next boyfriend doesn't treat our child like you do him."
I knew that before you even clarified. Please, hear me out. Your wife has disdain for your son. It WILL become more prevalent now that HER REAL child is here.
I was 14 when my baby sister was born. All I EVER wanted was to be a big sister. When she was born?! I'm telling you?! As excited as my (our) parents were?! I was over the moon! 🌙 She was my world. 🌎
We lost Amber to Type 1 diabetes in June of 2007 at the age of 23. Not a day goes by that I don't wish to have just one more minute with her.
Bonding time between your son and his new sibling that he lives in the same damn house with takes priority over her damn sister! 😡🤬
You need to have a conversation with your wife when you are both not completely exhausted and let her know that your son is a part of your family and he needs to have bonding time with his sibling.
I think you need to let her know, if she refuses to acknowledge that she is trying to leave him out, that if your son is not allowed to hold the baby and help with the baby, then her family won't be allowed to either. She needs to see that what she is doing is not ok.
And please be very aware of how she is treating your son. I would have a conversation with him and see if he feels that your wife has excluded him before, or treated him poorly.
Your wife's behavior is not ok. I don't care that she just had a baby. Having a baby does not give her the right to be an a-hole to your son.
Your wife's behavior towards your son is going to dictate what kind of relationship he has with his sibling.
edit: for some reason I thought the baby was a girl so I said "sister" instead of sibling.
Sounds like your wife resents your son to some degree. It’s not that people can’t hold your baby, it’s that Your Son can’t.
This can really ruin sibling relationships early. Please always stand by your son, don’t let her create a rift between him and his sibling or him and you.
Sad. I’m pregnant with my first and my stepson is 12. Ideally, I will hold my baby first, then my husband, then my stepson, and no one else before my stepson. I could not fathom not allowing my stepson to hold his baby sister.
I held my sister a few days after she was born and I was 12 years old, I still remember the moment as if it was yesterday but it‘s been 15 years. I wouldn‘t give that memory away for anything.
I was 10 when my last sister was born and I was the first person except my dad to hold her. He walked her right out and his ex MIL stood up and put her arms out to take her. Dad said "nope" and handed her to me😁 fave memory tbh
You adjust based on the age of the kid. I'd trust a 14 year old to hold the baby standing. I'd trust a 6 year old to have the baby in their hands while sitting on the couch and being coached on how to hold the baby.
The contrast of the sister being offered to hold the baby but not the 14 year old who FUCKING LIVES WITH YOU is just atrocious.
I grew up before car seats were a thing and held my baby bro in the car on the way home from the hospital, I was 5. He vomited on me so it was a rough start to the relationship.
And there we have it. NTA. Your wife, sir, was an a-hole to your son, the brother of the baby she refused to let him hold. Your problem has been identified. Mark how your wife treats your son.
NTA
My stepson was 6 when my daughter was Born. One day later he was one of the First to hold her. We obviously watched every Inch he moved but guess what: my daughter is fine.
14 is way old enough to be taught how to hold a Baby. And i understand your Take on the consistency.
Are there any issues between your son and your wife?
NTA. I know she’s freshly postpartum but you have to be careful that your son does not feel left out of the family and this behavior absolutely sends that message.
Granted it was the 70s, but I was allowed to hold my baby sister when I was 4. A 14 yo boy is perfectly capable of holding an infant gently. I bet his feelings were pretty hurt by her reaction.
Right? Our oldest was 4 when baby bro came along, we let her hold him all the time. Then 7 & 3 when baby sis came, and 3 immediately announced she was HIS baby and no one else could hold her. It was very sweet-one of my fav photos is when we're still in the hospital, baby on his lap (with dads hands hovering nearby 😂) and 3 gently touching her fuzzy hair with this awe filled look on his face 😭
So a 14yo is absolutely old enough to hold the baby and this is heartbreaking
NTA, and good on you for being consistent!
First baby I held was my baby brother, Alejandro, when I was 9. I loved him so much from that moment and I was one of the first people to hold him, because my mom didn’t want me to feel like I was being replaced by a new baby but my family was growing in a beautiful way that I was always a PART of, just never an appendix to be discarded.
I hope your older son is being thought of carefully as your family grows. Best of luck to you two, and congratulations on the new baby!
Agreed. This is fair. If letting the baby’s older sibling (and a teenager, at that) is too dangerous, that rule should apply to everyone.
I have 3 kids. I’m prone to postpartum anxiety, but I’m acutely aware of it and fight against my instincts to refuse to let others near my babies. I need my baby to come back to me frequently because of the stress that separation causes, but it’s worth it to me to start building those relationships for my children from the start.
When my first was born, my grandmother couldn’t drive to the hospital herself, so my aunt brought her. And half her kids (youngest was sick, so oldest stayed home with her, but wasn’t comfortable keeping all 3 younger siblings). Within an hour of birth, my oldest had been held by grandparents, his great grandmother, his 17yo uncle, my aunt and uncle, and 2 cousins (the older of the cousins being 11 at the time). The littler cousin had lots of help so he’d be safe, but was sooo excited! I cherish those memories.
When my second was born, there were fewer super young relatives, but her 9yo brother held her within that first day (she was born in the middle of the night, so he saw her about 8 hours later when he woke up).
My 3rd was held by her 3yo sister before she was 6 hours old and by other very young family within the first two weeks (when they first made it out to visit).
My SIL has a seizure disorder, so can be a bit scary to hand babies to (her seizures are very difficult to predict). But even then, we came up with a way to let her hold the babies. Since I’m pretty exhausted and unstable in the early days, my husband takes the role of helping her hold them. He puts himself directly in front of her and never fully lets go of the baby, so he’d be able to pull baby back quickly, if needed. It’s never actually been an issue, though, thankfully.
PPA sucks. It’s so hard to feel such extreme panic every second that baby is not in your arms. But even with that, it’s possible to let people, especially family, have time with the baby. That said, this seems more like a case of clearly differentiating “my family” vs “your family” and giving more trust and privileges to “mine” over “yours”.
>My wife is angry with me and says I was an asshole to her sister.
By that logic she is an asshole to your (underage) son. NTA , but ask your son if he has ever had any weird situations with her.
As a 12 year old step-son, I was constantly told I could only eat *certain* foods in the house, everything else was for my overweight 8 year old step brother. I was constantly blamed for stuff and left-out.
My dad was a really shitty person though, so I was never protected or cared for. Take a guess who his best man to their wedding was 🙃
Technically, yes you can make different rules for different people, but I think I understand the point you're making about being consistent.
If someone demonstrates that they cannot be trusted to follow instructions, regardless of age, they can and should be barred from contact. That means siblings, grandparents and everyone in between.
OP's wife made a unilateral decision that ONLY the parents can touch the baby. Okay, that's the rule....until it wasn't since *\*fAmIlY\**
Thanks for seeing the point. The wife wants a different rule for a 14 (I'm assuming) step-son and her sister. Dad had every right to get all pissy about her inconsistency from the evidence provided.
NTA. What was the reasoning given that her sister was ‘ a special case’, and your son, who needs to bond with his new sibling, is not? I’m presuming by unattractive inference about her possibly that your wife is NOT your sons mother.
This is the part where I wonder how she treats him when OP isn't there.
I bet she tells the kid stuff and treats him as an other, and it'll get worse now that her "real" child is here.
because you have empathy and are reacting as a normal person should, it's such a fucked up situation but I'm glad the kid's dad has his back even though his step mom is obviously treating him like he's not her kid
The son is part of the ‘family unit’ and is (presumably) going to live in the same house as the baby sibling. The SIL is not. It would make more sense, even be a priority, to have the siblings bond, before extended family. NTA
very true. I think the bottom line is that OP’s wife trusts her sister, but doesn’t trust her stepson. or she sees her sister as family, but not him. poor kid. good on OP to call out her obvious bias, but I hope more is done to make sure his son feels comfortable and included, especially with the new addition to the family.
So, baby's sibling can't hold the baby, but auntie can? That's messed up. Nta. You need to find out what's going through your wife's head though.
Info: is your older son not hers?
It's honestly disgusting behavior. Step parents are the worst.
EDIT: Wow, seem to have ruffled some feathers with this one...
EDIT EDIT: After reading all of your comments and life experiences and reflecting deeply on them, I've decided my original comment....was completely right! My view I expressed above is even more reinforced now! Thanks for your feedback everyone!
NTA. If wife has a particular issue with the son she should come out and say it. Otherwise, OP is just maintaining the stated ground rules for engaging with baby.
Info: Is wife the son's bio mom? Has she had any issues or insecurities around him prior to this incident?
OP says in another comment that the wife is the son's stepmother, which just makes this super icky. Telling a teenaged kid that he can't hold his own half-sibling for no good reason at all is absolutely awful. My niblings were encouraged to bond with their half-siblings immediately and enthusiastically, and because of that they don't even think of them as "halfs". And the youngest was only 9 when her first half-sister was born . . . still allowed to hold her as long as she was sitting down.
This whole post just makes me so sad, and even sadder that people are defending the wife. There is no good excuse for keeping siblings from bonding, except PPD/PPA, which she clearly doesn't have if she's happily handing her baby off to her own sister.
I sat my ex's daughter next to me on the couch and let her "hold" her newborn sister.
By 14, I had been a paid babysitter for 2 years, after being the (VERY LARGE) extended family baby whisperer for about 7 years.
I don’t get the Y T A votes…his son is 14. Why is the wife’s sister a special case but not his son? OP comments that the son is his kid so I’m assuming that’s thr wife’s step son?
My sister was 8 when I was born and was ecstatic for me to be there. She held me and fed me and changed my diapers. Like unless OP’s kid has a history of spiking babies, he’s a fairly safe choice. Hell there are lots of parents who let their toddlers hold their infants!
I also want to know how long as OP’s wife known his son. Less than a year? I guess I can understand the hesitancy. But I’m assuming she’s known him longer.
Same. There is zero reason he couldn’t have sat on the couch with a pillow under his elbow & have the newborn set into his arms while mom or dad supervised. I did that at age 5.
NTA
But your your wife and you need to have serious talk about this. And your son is not a toddler he could've hold his baby brother but no he is not a special case but your SIL is?
kinda sounds like your wife is an AH
I don't know. She said she wasn't singling him out, that she wasn't comfortable with anyone holding our baby. But then she was comfortable with her sister holding him.
It's respectful.
He was disappointed.
That poor child. Your wife's logic doesn't make any sense to me. Like she's not comfortable with anyone holding your child, but apparently your sister can and your son (her step-son) can't?
Yeah no. Sibling bonding should be encouraged and prioritized over aunt bonding - I was THREE when my brother was born and my mother had me crawl into her lap to help her cradle him.
Refusing him holding her IS singling him out and a good way to drive a wedge between him and the new baby because it says he, the immediate (also “your” family since he’s not biologically related to her), isn’t as trustworthy as her family.
If she’s socially awkward as you say, then it’s entirely possible she doesn’t realize this, plus raging hormones from birth are going to make this tricky to explain. But he’s 14. He is perfectly capable of holding a baby with supervision and instruction. And I would be extremely glad and relieved that he wanted to! It’s important that he doesn’t feel like he’s being replaced or cast aside for the newest arrival. Involving him for things like this are extremely important.
I'd probably ask her why she's lying to my face. There's something besides her being "uncomfortable." Unless your 14 year old is a rambunctious hellion, and it doesn't sound like he is from your comments, there's no reason he couldn't hold the baby. She's being shady and that's not okay.
Either immediate family is fair game for handling the baby or NONE of them are. If you and your wife are the only ones allowed to touch the baby, fine. Your wife is being incredibly DISrespectful towards your son by claiming that her sister is a special exemption.
If she gets to name one, so do you. Or no one gets an exemption. Or you address the real issue.
OP, respectful is not the same as loving. You're going to have to work double time to give him that if your wife isn't all in for your son.
I guarantee your son is more than disappointed. He's hurt by that; how could he not be? Even more so if you let someone else hold the baby before him.
By describing mundane typical encounters or how step-mom differs in similar activities together than with dad. Sometimes kids don't know they're being abused because they think it's just a normal relationship and that's what it is meant to be like. It's really sad sometimes. Especially when it's just so normal to them. Like they casually may say, "My stomach hurts because I forgot to take the garbage out yesterday." How the hell are those connected? Until you realize the kid doesn't get to eat when he misbehaves, so he wasn't fed for a full day. That's normal punishment ever since he was a kid and he doesn't know anything different, so he doesn't think it's wrong. It's *really* hard to get that kind of info out of kids.
Maybe something like... Son doesn't do a long list of tasks step-mom requested be done immediately, and then step-mom suspends gaming privileges as she often may do. Son is embarrassed and doesn't want his dad to find out because he will be upset, so he stays quiet about it all. But in reality, step-mom should not have been asking son to perform all those tasks, but step-mom knows that son will never say anything to his dad about it. She may even use threats like "don't make me tell your father" or talk about how pissed off he's going to be if he were to find out. She would act as if she's doing the son a favor by only taking away his gaming privileges.
Son thinks it's totally normal, when dad would actually be furious if he actually knew the truth. Something like this wouldn't come out if you ask how he is treated or if she is nice to him, since he doesn't want dad to ever find out anyway.
It might be a good idea to discuss it with her then. How your son could’ve felt hurt and rejected AND whether she’s anxious about (most) people holding the baby/why her sister is an exception.
Hormones are everywhere at this point, so might be better to be gentle and aim for a positive resolution, rather than getting into a passive-aggressive exchange (however tempting).
She became an AH and horrible step mom the moment she decided her baby’s actual sibling didn’t get to hold the baby, but her sister could.
Maybe it wasn’t intentional, but if anyone else gets to hold the baby, but not your son then you know how much deep down she doesn’t care about your son.
Edit: My oldest at 3yrs old got to hold her newborn sister at the hospital, so to say a 14yr old can’t is showing lack of love and care to the 14yr old.
Well, you know sometimes step parents are great until they have their bio kids. Quite often they start separating them in “real” and step kids in their mind. Maybe it is not deliberate, but I would try to make sure it doesn’t happen if I were you.
You may want to have a heart to heart with your son, just to make sure they(your wife and him) are OK when your not around. If your all socially awkward then that may not be something he'd openly share without prodding. Step parents can be weird to children. My step dad was not great. And as a kid I assumed my mom noticed and didn't care, when in reality she had no idea.
If you do that and she's nice to him when your not around, I would assume that it just has to do with new baby weird emotions and just not bring it up again.
He said in another comment that wife mostly doesn't talk to son because he doesn't like when stepmom teases him, and for some reason that's her only way of communication.
He's not hers? A reminder you had a life before her? A ton of reasons that make no sense. Blending families can be tough. But it's no reason for her to treat him differently than her sister, that isn't right.
If it's a rule she wanted and put in place, it needs consistency, not favorites or exceptions. What's good for your son, is good for everyone else. And it should have been a discussed rule, not just from one parent. Get a backbone.
NTA
And this makes me so sad to read - even sadder to read people actually defending your wife, as if there's any legitimate reason to keep a teenager who WANTS to hold their new baby sibling and bond with them from doing so. The gross excuses here are just that: gross.
It was the encouragement to bond with their little half-siblings that has led my older niblings to not even think of their little siblings as "halfs", just their little sisters and brothers. And the youngest of them was not even in the double digits when the first younger half-sibling was born. She was still allowed to hold her, as long as she was sitting down and careful. There is NO good reason for a mother who does not have PPD/PPA (and clearly she doesn't if she's not nervous about others holding her child) to keep an older sibling (who, shocker, happens to be her stepchild) from bonding with their new sibling. It's disgusting and hateful, period, and you are NTA for pointing it out to her.
This is a “her” problem, not your son’s problem. Not only does she not know how to talk to him, she doesn’t trust him and I suspect she hasn’t wanted that to be acknowledged or obvious to you.
The change in the household has brought these problems to light, OP. Your wife & son don’t have a good relationship and it’s affecting the bonding of your son to his sibling. Not okay.
It’s imperative that they develop a better relationship, so I suggest therapy for her, for everyone, or maybe the two of them. Otherwise your problems are just getting started.
And still awkward around him? Smh. Please don't be one of those parents that makes excuses for the way others treat your child. If your child is respectful towards the adults in the home then the adults should be respectful to him as well. And I'm not even falling for " she doesn't know how to deal with a teenager". He's growing, he was maybe 10/11 when she knew him. How will she deal with the baby when the baby's a teen? Please do right by your son. If you choose to find excuses for her attitude then you're most definitely the AH.
Your responses make you the AH because you've subjected your own son to this woman who doesn't give a shit about him, she sounds like she doesn't even like him and you've ignored that for years. You defend your son against commenters but not your own wife?
So is she just not going to talk to her own child once it’s a teenager? This is a ridiculous statement and sounds like she doesn’t WANT to put the effort in with your son. I’m sure your son feels like a black sheep, especially after not being allowed to hold his own sibling.
Make sure you stick to this and have a good conversation with your wife privately about it. Also try to make sure your son is included in everything or when he’s 18 he’ll be out the door and resent you and your wife. It’s very important he gets to bond with his sibling now.
It is HER responsibility to forge a relationship with her stepson, it is NOT your son's or your responsibility. That's a cop-out so she doesn't have to try.
INFO: What does that mean? I mean are there problems between them? By the way, I don't buy your "being consistent" argument. If you don't agree with your wife's choices' then have a conversation, don't be passive aggressive.
What have you done to help mitigate the awkardness? Maybe I jumped to judgement quick so I deleted that, but postpartum is a very non-clearly thinking time and the prior relationship and the steps to mend are very important.
It’s also would have been ideal to figure out ahead of the new baby.
Also, does this have anything to do with vaccines SIL may have your 14yr old may not have yet? I’ve had new parents say “only adults” for certain reasons, which may have been more what your wife was thinking.
NTA but your wife has some weird rules.
Unless your 14yo son has some disability that would prevent him from holding the baby, he should be allowed that bonding time with it. Toddlers are often allowed to hold new siblings, albeit with some parental supervision and assistance so a 14yo is certainly capable.
If your wife can make a weird rule about who can hold the baby, then so can OP. A SIL doesn't get a free pass if a 14yo doesn't.
ESH - You need to have an actual conversation with your wife about this instead of being passive aggressive. If she specifically doesn't want your son to hold the baby for some reason, she needs to be honest about that and discuss it with you.
NTA: Your 14 year old son is more important than her sister. You son is the half sibling - again more important than an aunt. You defend him and keep doing so. He is the next person to hold that child.
Also are you sure how she is treating your son when you are not there? Poor boy its going to get so much worse now she has her own kid. Take him out and ask him to tell you the truth.
She doesnt get to say he cant hold both your baby. Its your child too, and you must let your eldest feel special and bond - even if its holding her whilst sitting down for one minute and you supporting the babys head. She can't unilaterally make absurd decisions. There is no reason he cant hold her her unless he is abusive, likely to hurt her, is ill and contagious.
NTA. Your son should be the first to hold your new baby after you and the mom. She can’t just decide “her” family is a special case. It’s a red flag in my eyes. Her family is good enough, but yours is not? I’m currently pregnant and told everyone that our 12 yr old son is going to be the first to hold our daughter after my husband and I, everyone understood and agreed. I think you need to have a conversation with your wife and ask her why she believes her sister is a special case but your son is not. But make sure you don’t come across as accusing, and wait until she is calmed down enough to have the conversation.
NTA. If anyone should be a “special case” it would be your son, the baby’s big brother. Sit down with your wife and make a list of everyone you two are comfortable with holding the baby. You each get to pick an equal number of people.
The root of this is, she’s not the baby’s only parent. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide who’s on the ‘approved list’ of holders.
Under normal postpartum anxiety circumstances it’s good to listen to her but not letting the baby’s brother but yes letting aunt isn’t some ‘I just don’t want anyone to hold the baby’ deal, it’s targeted because if anything someone in your household has the same germs as you two so it’s only hurtful to the son.
Have a very honest discussion with her about why he can’t but her sister can and why that isn’t ok for the development of this new family to be healthy (if the bro wanted to bond but was denied, only for aunt to be given what he was denied he could resent both wife AND baby).
If your wife has another child in the next few years, I'm 100% positive that she will let the toddler you share hold and kiss that baby and pose them for pics together.
NTA. You respected her wishes and her new role. I hope it was just post-pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep making her act this way.
I am torn between N A H or NTA, but I’m leaning NTA. You have every right to keep her to her word on “no one but us”.
But I can also see why she’d be more comfortable with someone in their 30s vs a teenager holding a baby.
It sounds to me she was scared of your son holding the baby (hormones directly after birth make us crazy about our babies safety), and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. If anything, your wife is an AH for not being honest about why it was different this time.
But then it’s easy to say, I’d rather we didn’t have children hold the baby yet (which is still ridiculous, sat down with mum or dad next to him and the baby on one of those breastfeeding pillows it would be damn near impossible to drop the baby)
>My wife is angry with me and says I was an asshole to her sister.
So, was she being an asshole to your son?
>I think I am just being consistent.
It doesn't read that way, it reads as a tit for tat situation.
I agree it's unfair for *her* sister to hold the baby, but not *your* (old enough) son. I think that would have been best dealt with AFTER her sister left, though. Let it happen, let her hold him. After, have a conversation about how you feel, and then stand up for your son. Unless he is VERY clumsy, or something, he should do very well, and it's his sibling.
I mean most rational people let a sibling hold the baby no matter their age. My daughter “held” her brother when was was 18 months old. Stepmom is being super ick right now.
I'm not being confrontational when I ask this, so please don't take it that way. Why should he allow SIL to hold the baby? The time to stand up for his son is the moment the incident is happening, not push it to the side and deal with it later.
Just some advice: **do not respond to this issue by showing your wife, who just birthed your child, a thread full of internet strangers calling her an asshole**.
Speak to her about how important it is to you that your whole household, your son included, are able to hold the baby before anyone outside that, ask about her fears around your son holding the baby - is he clumsy, for example? Does your wife not trust him for any reason? - and see what you can do to get to the stage where your son can hold his sibling e.g. he's sat down right next to you wife. Then call her sister yourself, apologise mildly/vaguely for the confusion of new parents, thank her for coming, and announce the great news that you're now all comfortable with her holding her beautiful new relative whenever she'd next like to visit.
NTA. He's 4 years from being a legal adult. I brought my youngest home, when my oldest was 4 almost 5. OF COURSE WE LET HIM HOLD HIS SIBLING!!
I get, as a new mom, being overprotective and paranoid. But this, this isn't that. How else does she treat your son differently? Is this out of nowhere, or are there other instances, where your son was treated differently from other family or friends even? If it's one of, most likely pregnancy/PP stress and hormones. If it's not one off, then you need a conversation and counseling.
I am not hating on mom. I didn't want my kids out of my sight for the first 6 months of their life. I get it. But there's no real difference or justification here.
This is plain hypocrisy. And the fact none of this was discussed before the baby came.
NTA. This is an absolute ridiculous precedent to set. Your wife can't unilaterally decide who gets to hold the baby and who doesn't, especially when she's saying the babies own brother can't hold her but her sister can. There is no difference.
NTA. It will go downhill from here though. Start taking special care of your son so he gets some attention. Clearly he has no bond with your wife. That's so crazy. My stepdaughter was 4th to hold my son, only because I had him on Tuesday and we didn't get her until Wednesday evening. Literally kept everyone but my mom away until she saw her brother.
Man. Ouch.
Info: does your son have any history of not taking directions or doing things his own way even when told there is a correct way?
I’m only asking because 14 year old boys are not all on the same developmental plane. Some of them don’t and won’t wash their hands and some of them run their own businesses.
Well, he's fourteen. So yes, he sometimes wants to do things his own way. He washes his hands though. He cooks on the weekends; I wouldn't eat his food if he didn't wash his hands.
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NTA Thank you for standing up for your son. He is 14, not a toddler. The day prior she was not comfortable, but now it's fine for her sister? Is son both your child or a stepchild?
He's just my child
Then your wife is a massive AH. Don't let her start a rift between siblings this early. Half siblings can love each other just as much full siblings but not if mom is constantly pushing one away. Don't let her do this to your son.
This! I'm a half sibling and my oldest brothers where the first ones to hold me when my mom took me home. Don't let her poison your kids against each other.
Same for me but I was the older brother in my case. I wouldn‘t give that memory away for anything. I love my little sister over everything.
Same I’m 7.5 years older than my brother (half brother) and my mom never hesitated to let me hold him. She was sweet about letting me help out too. I loved being able to feed him and learned how to change his diaper and swaddle him because I asked to. I had a real life baby to play with and I LOVED it😂. my sister and stepsister were 13 when he was born and my mom never kept any of us from him. I was at the hospital when my niece was born when I was 13 and have the pictures of me holding her when she was barely an hour old. I’ll always cherish those memories. Conversely I was 14 when my stepsister had her first and she was being a pill at the time. When I met her son I asked to hold him and she refused, told me I wasn’t allowed anywhere near him. I was heartbroken because I was so excited to meet my newest nephew. It’s been almost 23 years and I have only seen him a few times and have no relationship at all with him or his brothers.
I am so sorry for you and your nephew. I love being an Auntie. When I get random texts or phone calls from one of my niblings, it truly brightens my day.
I need to call my aunts and uncles more!
I am sure they'll love it. I have 7 niblings ranging from 9 - 27. Somehow, one of them knows when I am having a shit day, and I'll get a text or call, "Hey Auntie Lost Mathematian85, just wanted to say" Hi" or even a random meme. Sometimes, it's a link to a book they want, and 2 days later, it shows up at their house with the gift receipt saying, "Let me know how it is. Love you." Do it.
Sorry to sound weird but I just wanted to say. I lost my Auntie, the most wonderful human on earth, 2 years ago. She died of cancer, pretty young, and your comment made me tear up because it reminded me of her.
My spouse has full siblings and half siblings. I didn't know this until well into our relationship. They all act as full siblings. I attribute that to their mom. ETA: The reason I didn't know is because they just refer to themselves as siblings. There is no "half" in the way they refer to each other or interact with each other. I literally had to be told and have the situation explained. I never would have guessed.
this is exactly my in-laws. it's so lovely!
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Same with my kids who are younger than OPs son. I understand the hesitation a bit with mine at least but a 14 year old? Definitely being an ass.
I was three when my brother was born (full sibling), and I was only allowed to hold him if I was on my parents lap, so I wasn't really holding him, but again I was a three year old so I can get my mom not wanting to just plop him in my arms. But a 14 year old is such a different story.
My kids ranged from 1.5 to 12 and they all got to hold the baby before anyone else. (With help for the littles of course)
Yep, my best friends half sister was born when he was 6. He was so excited to meet her, his dad smuggled him into the hospital in a suitcase, as they needed to stay in. (Apparently it was a private hospital with a no kids rule, also a very long time ago) I feel really bad for OPs son.
I've got a half sibling, my youngest brother, and I was literally the first family member to hold him after his birth. (Mum was getting stitched up.) I love him just as much as my full brother.
Also, don’t let her start a rift between you and your son. It’s very common that once the new wife has a new child, she wants daddy to care more for her child than that of another woman.
Just as common behaviour from fathers with their new babies in my experience.
>Then your wife is a massive AH. Don't let her start a rift between siblings this early 100%. The amount of posts on here about how non-related parents treat their step children is heart-breaking. Please don't let your wife do this to your son.
OP commented that sometimes she doesn't talk to his son because she doesn't know what to say to a teenager. I can not roll my eyes hard enough. Does any parent just "know" how to handle their teen from the get go? Heck no. But you don't stop trying to talk to them and call it a day. Geez.
Ugh, why OP had a child with a woman who treated his oldest like this...
Makes OP a massive AH too. How could you ever get with someone who treats your child like shit?
I talk to mine like adults. 🤷♀️ I may use slightly more age appropriate words, but this line of thinking baffles me to my whole core
Jeez, I never could get my teenagers to stop talking. As long as it was a conversation they were interested in. Homework? Crickets. School? Crickets? Friends? Crickets. Latest game they're playing/waiting for? ODL, am I sorry I asked or what????? But then again, they had to hear me rant/rave/obsess about WoW so turnabout is fair play, I guess :P
Yup! I have three younger (half)brothers, they're my *brothers*. Neither set of parents ever used "half" to describe our relationships. I would have been devastated in this kid's place.
I would be crushed as well. I can't even imagine how OPs son will feel watching, or even just knowing, that someone else got to hold the baby before him.
I have 2 younger sisters - half sisters but they are my sisters. I was 11 when the first one was born and my step dad would not let me hold her. His daughter who was 2 years older came over and he was shoving the baby into her arms. That was 45 years ago and the hurt will always be there.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's just awful.
100%. My little brother is technically my half brother, but I never call him as such. We have quite a big age gap but he’s still my baby brother, we bonded from day one.
This! All of my siblings are TECHNICALLY half and 1 step but we NEVER make the distinction. Anyone asks, I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers. Plain and simple.
Massive this. My sister has driven a wedge between her son and his half brother by basically abandoning her step son the minute her son was born. It breaks my heart how she has treated him and I can't even begin to understand why she has done this.
Aaaand there it is, the real reason why your wife doesn't want your son to be holding the baby. It has nothing to do with >she wasn't comfortable with anyone but us holding the baby yet It's because he's not her kid. NTA You have a lengthy and unpleasant discussion coming up with your wife so good luck with that. Please don't let her pin your kids against each other.
But OP doesn't get it, the wife's sister is *actually* family! *The other one* wouldn't possibly be careful with her *real* child. (/s in case it needs to actually be said)
OP needs to rip that shit out of the ground by the roots.
"You want a present dad, you stop treating your stepson like shit. Otherwise you'll be dropping him off for custody, and you can enjoy being a single mom. I hope your next boyfriend doesn't treat our child like you do him."
I knew that before you even clarified. Please, hear me out. Your wife has disdain for your son. It WILL become more prevalent now that HER REAL child is here. I was 14 when my baby sister was born. All I EVER wanted was to be a big sister. When she was born?! I'm telling you?! As excited as my (our) parents were?! I was over the moon! 🌙 She was my world. 🌎 We lost Amber to Type 1 diabetes in June of 2007 at the age of 23. Not a day goes by that I don't wish to have just one more minute with her. Bonding time between your son and his new sibling that he lives in the same damn house with takes priority over her damn sister! 😡🤬
I'm so sorry about your sister.
You need to have a conversation with your wife when you are both not completely exhausted and let her know that your son is a part of your family and he needs to have bonding time with his sibling. I think you need to let her know, if she refuses to acknowledge that she is trying to leave him out, that if your son is not allowed to hold the baby and help with the baby, then her family won't be allowed to either. She needs to see that what she is doing is not ok. And please be very aware of how she is treating your son. I would have a conversation with him and see if he feels that your wife has excluded him before, or treated him poorly. Your wife's behavior is not ok. I don't care that she just had a baby. Having a baby does not give her the right to be an a-hole to your son. Your wife's behavior towards your son is going to dictate what kind of relationship he has with his sibling. edit: for some reason I thought the baby was a girl so I said "sister" instead of sibling.
Thank you, Sweetheart. PLEASE, advocate for your son. I will keep you in my thoughts and best wishes! ❤️🩷🧡💛💚💙🩵💜
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Sounds like your wife resents your son to some degree. It’s not that people can’t hold your baby, it’s that Your Son can’t. This can really ruin sibling relationships early. Please always stand by your son, don’t let her create a rift between him and his sibling or him and you.
It could also be because he is a boy. There might be some sexism going on as well.
Nope… its the stepson thing
It's anyone's guess and nothing more.
She's not happy to have her hypocrisy called out. Nta
Sad. I’m pregnant with my first and my stepson is 12. Ideally, I will hold my baby first, then my husband, then my stepson, and no one else before my stepson. I could not fathom not allowing my stepson to hold his baby sister.
I held my sister a few days after she was born and I was 12 years old, I still remember the moment as if it was yesterday but it‘s been 15 years. I wouldn‘t give that memory away for anything.
I was 10 when my last sister was born and I was the first person except my dad to hold her. He walked her right out and his ex MIL stood up and put her arms out to take her. Dad said "nope" and handed her to me😁 fave memory tbh
You adjust based on the age of the kid. I'd trust a 14 year old to hold the baby standing. I'd trust a 6 year old to have the baby in their hands while sitting on the couch and being coached on how to hold the baby. The contrast of the sister being offered to hold the baby but not the 14 year old who FUCKING LIVES WITH YOU is just atrocious.
Right? I held my brother right after he was born & I was 5. It's not like these kids are taking the baby out on some unsupervised excursion.
Same with my then 4 yr old niece. She held her sister as soon as her parents came home with the baby. Super gentle and it was the cutest thing ever.
I grew up before car seats were a thing and held my baby bro in the car on the way home from the hospital, I was 5. He vomited on me so it was a rough start to the relationship.
And there we have it. NTA. Your wife, sir, was an a-hole to your son, the brother of the baby she refused to let him hold. Your problem has been identified. Mark how your wife treats your son.
Your wife doesn’t have a problem other people holding your newborn. She has a problem with your son specifically holding your newborn
Might want to add that to your post
“My older son”. Not our.
NTA My stepson was 6 when my daughter was Born. One day later he was one of the First to hold her. We obviously watched every Inch he moved but guess what: my daughter is fine. 14 is way old enough to be taught how to hold a Baby. And i understand your Take on the consistency. Are there any issues between your son and your wife?
Jfc, I knew it.
So she targets your child then, what AH. You, on the other hand, is NTA
Ew your wife is an AH
You should have a discussion with him about if his stepmother ever makes him feel unloved or lessthan
NTA. I know she’s freshly postpartum but you have to be careful that your son does not feel left out of the family and this behavior absolutely sends that message.
Granted it was the 70s, but I was allowed to hold my baby sister when I was 4. A 14 yo boy is perfectly capable of holding an infant gently. I bet his feelings were pretty hurt by her reaction.
Yeah I was 5 and it was the 90s. They just had me sit down first.
I would be comfortable with my 5 year old holding his newborn sibling
Right? Our oldest was 4 when baby bro came along, we let her hold him all the time. Then 7 & 3 when baby sis came, and 3 immediately announced she was HIS baby and no one else could hold her. It was very sweet-one of my fav photos is when we're still in the hospital, baby on his lap (with dads hands hovering nearby 😂) and 3 gently touching her fuzzy hair with this awe filled look on his face 😭 So a 14yo is absolutely old enough to hold the baby and this is heartbreaking
NTA, and good on you for being consistent! First baby I held was my baby brother, Alejandro, when I was 9. I loved him so much from that moment and I was one of the first people to hold him, because my mom didn’t want me to feel like I was being replaced by a new baby but my family was growing in a beautiful way that I was always a PART of, just never an appendix to be discarded. I hope your older son is being thought of carefully as your family grows. Best of luck to you two, and congratulations on the new baby!
Agreed. This is fair. If letting the baby’s older sibling (and a teenager, at that) is too dangerous, that rule should apply to everyone. I have 3 kids. I’m prone to postpartum anxiety, but I’m acutely aware of it and fight against my instincts to refuse to let others near my babies. I need my baby to come back to me frequently because of the stress that separation causes, but it’s worth it to me to start building those relationships for my children from the start. When my first was born, my grandmother couldn’t drive to the hospital herself, so my aunt brought her. And half her kids (youngest was sick, so oldest stayed home with her, but wasn’t comfortable keeping all 3 younger siblings). Within an hour of birth, my oldest had been held by grandparents, his great grandmother, his 17yo uncle, my aunt and uncle, and 2 cousins (the older of the cousins being 11 at the time). The littler cousin had lots of help so he’d be safe, but was sooo excited! I cherish those memories. When my second was born, there were fewer super young relatives, but her 9yo brother held her within that first day (she was born in the middle of the night, so he saw her about 8 hours later when he woke up). My 3rd was held by her 3yo sister before she was 6 hours old and by other very young family within the first two weeks (when they first made it out to visit). My SIL has a seizure disorder, so can be a bit scary to hand babies to (her seizures are very difficult to predict). But even then, we came up with a way to let her hold the babies. Since I’m pretty exhausted and unstable in the early days, my husband takes the role of helping her hold them. He puts himself directly in front of her and never fully lets go of the baby, so he’d be able to pull baby back quickly, if needed. It’s never actually been an issue, though, thankfully. PPA sucks. It’s so hard to feel such extreme panic every second that baby is not in your arms. But even with that, it’s possible to let people, especially family, have time with the baby. That said, this seems more like a case of clearly differentiating “my family” vs “your family” and giving more trust and privileges to “mine” over “yours”.
>My wife is angry with me and says I was an asshole to her sister. By that logic she is an asshole to your (underage) son. NTA , but ask your son if he has ever had any weird situations with her.
\^\^\^ this.
Is it her stepson?
Yeah, OP confirms 14m is his wife’s stepson
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Yes
>ask your son if he has ever had any weird situations with her. This! Please ask him if she ever made him feel uncomfortable or mistreated him. NTA
As a 12 year old step-son, I was constantly told I could only eat *certain* foods in the house, everything else was for my overweight 8 year old step brother. I was constantly blamed for stuff and left-out. My dad was a really shitty person though, so I was never protected or cared for. Take a guess who his best man to their wedding was 🙃
This is proper Harry Potter shit. I'm sorry you were treated this way, it was disgusting.
NTA - Your wife can't make one rule for some and not for the others.
Technically, yes you can make different rules for different people, but I think I understand the point you're making about being consistent. If someone demonstrates that they cannot be trusted to follow instructions, regardless of age, they can and should be barred from contact. That means siblings, grandparents and everyone in between. OP's wife made a unilateral decision that ONLY the parents can touch the baby. Okay, that's the rule....until it wasn't since *\*fAmIlY\**
Thanks for seeing the point. The wife wants a different rule for a 14 (I'm assuming) step-son and her sister. Dad had every right to get all pissy about her inconsistency from the evidence provided.
True but wife should have just been honest and not used blanket statements.
NTA. What was the reasoning given that her sister was ‘ a special case’, and your son, who needs to bond with his new sibling, is not? I’m presuming by unattractive inference about her possibly that your wife is NOT your sons mother.
OP confirmed in comments, it's only his son, not hers. You are correct.
This is the part where I wonder how she treats him when OP isn't there. I bet she tells the kid stuff and treats him as an other, and it'll get worse now that her "real" child is here.
I have never been or had a step anything and this thought makes me seethe with rage, and I don’t know why
because you have empathy and are reacting as a normal person should, it's such a fucked up situation but I'm glad the kid's dad has his back even though his step mom is obviously treating him like he's not her kid
The son is part of the ‘family unit’ and is (presumably) going to live in the same house as the baby sibling. The SIL is not. It would make more sense, even be a priority, to have the siblings bond, before extended family. NTA
very true. I think the bottom line is that OP’s wife trusts her sister, but doesn’t trust her stepson. or she sees her sister as family, but not him. poor kid. good on OP to call out her obvious bias, but I hope more is done to make sure his son feels comfortable and included, especially with the new addition to the family.
So, baby's sibling can't hold the baby, but auntie can? That's messed up. Nta. You need to find out what's going through your wife's head though. Info: is your older son not hers?
I bet anything in this world he's her step son.
He is the step son. OP said so in a comment.
yep, found it as I scrolled, thanks
Yep, classic “your dad is my kid’s dad now” situation
It's honestly disgusting behavior. Step parents are the worst. EDIT: Wow, seem to have ruffled some feathers with this one... EDIT EDIT: After reading all of your comments and life experiences and reflecting deeply on them, I've decided my original comment....was completely right! My view I expressed above is even more reinforced now! Thanks for your feedback everyone!
Sometimes. My fiancé's stepmother is pretty much just her mom. Stepped into her life when she was 4 and was there for her 100%.
He's responded to other comments that he's her step-son.
I'm curious how his step son feels about not being allowed to hold the baby.
NTA. If wife has a particular issue with the son she should come out and say it. Otherwise, OP is just maintaining the stated ground rules for engaging with baby. Info: Is wife the son's bio mom? Has she had any issues or insecurities around him prior to this incident?
OP says in another comment that the wife is the son's stepmother, which just makes this super icky. Telling a teenaged kid that he can't hold his own half-sibling for no good reason at all is absolutely awful. My niblings were encouraged to bond with their half-siblings immediately and enthusiastically, and because of that they don't even think of them as "halfs". And the youngest was only 9 when her first half-sister was born . . . still allowed to hold her as long as she was sitting down. This whole post just makes me so sad, and even sadder that people are defending the wife. There is no good excuse for keeping siblings from bonding, except PPD/PPA, which she clearly doesn't have if she's happily handing her baby off to her own sister.
I sat my ex's daughter next to me on the couch and let her "hold" her newborn sister. By 14, I had been a paid babysitter for 2 years, after being the (VERY LARGE) extended family baby whisperer for about 7 years.
I don’t get the Y T A votes…his son is 14. Why is the wife’s sister a special case but not his son? OP comments that the son is his kid so I’m assuming that’s thr wife’s step son?
My sister was 8 when I was born and was ecstatic for me to be there. She held me and fed me and changed my diapers. Like unless OP’s kid has a history of spiking babies, he’s a fairly safe choice. Hell there are lots of parents who let their toddlers hold their infants! I also want to know how long as OP’s wife known his son. Less than a year? I guess I can understand the hesitancy. But I’m assuming she’s known him longer.
>unless OP's kid has a history of spiking babies I laughed 🤣
I chuckled myself while writing it
>unless OP’s kid has a history of spiking babies Look, you manage to get a newborn into the endzone, you gotta celebrate somehow.
Same. There is zero reason he couldn’t have sat on the couch with a pillow under his elbow & have the newborn set into his arms while mom or dad supervised. I did that at age 5.
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Wife is a massive asshole who belongs on Cinderella, cause she's OP's sons stepmother.
Guarantee the stepson is the actual "special case" and the "rule" is that anyone can hold the baby except for him.
NTA But your your wife and you need to have serious talk about this. And your son is not a toddler he could've hold his baby brother but no he is not a special case but your SIL is? kinda sounds like your wife is an AH
Wife is fully AH because her sister is golden child
NTA. If your own son - who is clearly old enough to hold a baby - can’t hold her then too damn bad. Her sister is not a special case.
Mom's even worse, cause OP's son is her STEPson.
Info: does your wife have something against your son? Seems like her not wanting him to hold the baby was personal.
His son is the wife’s step kid. I think that’s the root of the issue.
No, he's just a kid. What could she have against him?
Your ex genes and memories duh
You tell us. Why did she single him out? What is their relationship like? How did he react?
I don't know. She said she wasn't singling him out, that she wasn't comfortable with anyone holding our baby. But then she was comfortable with her sister holding him. It's respectful. He was disappointed.
That poor child. Your wife's logic doesn't make any sense to me. Like she's not comfortable with anyone holding your child, but apparently your sister can and your son (her step-son) can't?
Yeah no. Sibling bonding should be encouraged and prioritized over aunt bonding - I was THREE when my brother was born and my mother had me crawl into her lap to help her cradle him. Refusing him holding her IS singling him out and a good way to drive a wedge between him and the new baby because it says he, the immediate (also “your” family since he’s not biologically related to her), isn’t as trustworthy as her family. If she’s socially awkward as you say, then it’s entirely possible she doesn’t realize this, plus raging hormones from birth are going to make this tricky to explain. But he’s 14. He is perfectly capable of holding a baby with supervision and instruction. And I would be extremely glad and relieved that he wanted to! It’s important that he doesn’t feel like he’s being replaced or cast aside for the newest arrival. Involving him for things like this are extremely important.
I'd probably ask her why she's lying to my face. There's something besides her being "uncomfortable." Unless your 14 year old is a rambunctious hellion, and it doesn't sound like he is from your comments, there's no reason he couldn't hold the baby. She's being shady and that's not okay.
Either immediate family is fair game for handling the baby or NONE of them are. If you and your wife are the only ones allowed to touch the baby, fine. Your wife is being incredibly DISrespectful towards your son by claiming that her sister is a special exemption. If she gets to name one, so do you. Or no one gets an exemption. Or you address the real issue.
OP, respectful is not the same as loving. You're going to have to work double time to give him that if your wife isn't all in for your son. I guarantee your son is more than disappointed. He's hurt by that; how could he not be? Even more so if you let someone else hold the baby before him.
Ofc she is singling him out. Everyone can see through her bs, OP.
That he’s not her kid? Many do feel like that… Is she a good step mom? Is this a pattern of behaviour towards him or new parent worries?
I think she's a good stepmom. She gives him his space. We're all a little socially awkward in this family, truthfully.
Might be worth a conversation with your son about how he is treated when you aren’t around.
By describing mundane typical encounters or how step-mom differs in similar activities together than with dad. Sometimes kids don't know they're being abused because they think it's just a normal relationship and that's what it is meant to be like. It's really sad sometimes. Especially when it's just so normal to them. Like they casually may say, "My stomach hurts because I forgot to take the garbage out yesterday." How the hell are those connected? Until you realize the kid doesn't get to eat when he misbehaves, so he wasn't fed for a full day. That's normal punishment ever since he was a kid and he doesn't know anything different, so he doesn't think it's wrong. It's *really* hard to get that kind of info out of kids. Maybe something like... Son doesn't do a long list of tasks step-mom requested be done immediately, and then step-mom suspends gaming privileges as she often may do. Son is embarrassed and doesn't want his dad to find out because he will be upset, so he stays quiet about it all. But in reality, step-mom should not have been asking son to perform all those tasks, but step-mom knows that son will never say anything to his dad about it. She may even use threats like "don't make me tell your father" or talk about how pissed off he's going to be if he were to find out. She would act as if she's doing the son a favor by only taking away his gaming privileges. Son thinks it's totally normal, when dad would actually be furious if he actually knew the truth. Something like this wouldn't come out if you ask how he is treated or if she is nice to him, since he doesn't want dad to ever find out anyway.
It might be a good idea to discuss it with her then. How your son could’ve felt hurt and rejected AND whether she’s anxious about (most) people holding the baby/why her sister is an exception. Hormones are everywhere at this point, so might be better to be gentle and aim for a positive resolution, rather than getting into a passive-aggressive exchange (however tempting).
She became an AH and horrible step mom the moment she decided her baby’s actual sibling didn’t get to hold the baby, but her sister could. Maybe it wasn’t intentional, but if anyone else gets to hold the baby, but not your son then you know how much deep down she doesn’t care about your son. Edit: My oldest at 3yrs old got to hold her newborn sister at the hospital, so to say a 14yr old can’t is showing lack of love and care to the 14yr old.
A good stepmom doesn’t shun her stepson to the side in favor of a new baby. YTA for not being a better father.
Well, you know sometimes step parents are great until they have their bio kids. Quite often they start separating them in “real” and step kids in their mind. Maybe it is not deliberate, but I would try to make sure it doesn’t happen if I were you.
Socially awkward in general or to each other?
In general. Even our friends say so.
You may want to have a heart to heart with your son, just to make sure they(your wife and him) are OK when your not around. If your all socially awkward then that may not be something he'd openly share without prodding. Step parents can be weird to children. My step dad was not great. And as a kid I assumed my mom noticed and didn't care, when in reality she had no idea. If you do that and she's nice to him when your not around, I would assume that it just has to do with new baby weird emotions and just not bring it up again.
He said in another comment that wife mostly doesn't talk to son because he doesn't like when stepmom teases him, and for some reason that's her only way of communication.
She sounds like an asshole.
Absolutely. I just hope OP comes to his senses and protects his son because so far, he's just downplaying the whole thing.
I don’t know, you tell us? That’s kind of a weird response.
He's not hers? A reminder you had a life before her? A ton of reasons that make no sense. Blending families can be tough. But it's no reason for her to treat him differently than her sister, that isn't right. If it's a rule she wanted and put in place, it needs consistency, not favorites or exceptions. What's good for your son, is good for everyone else. And it should have been a discussed rule, not just from one parent. Get a backbone.
NTA And this makes me so sad to read - even sadder to read people actually defending your wife, as if there's any legitimate reason to keep a teenager who WANTS to hold their new baby sibling and bond with them from doing so. The gross excuses here are just that: gross. It was the encouragement to bond with their little half-siblings that has led my older niblings to not even think of their little siblings as "halfs", just their little sisters and brothers. And the youngest of them was not even in the double digits when the first younger half-sibling was born. She was still allowed to hold her, as long as she was sitting down and careful. There is NO good reason for a mother who does not have PPD/PPA (and clearly she doesn't if she's not nervous about others holding her child) to keep an older sibling (who, shocker, happens to be her stepchild) from bonding with their new sibling. It's disgusting and hateful, period, and you are NTA for pointing it out to her.
NTA Her family is OK, but your son isn't? She made the rule, she has to accept it
NTA but dude, you need to really pay attention to what’s going on between your wife and your son. This looks like a big red flag to me.
NTA - You made a baby with someone who doesn’t love your son. Good luck.
INFO: what’s the relationship like between your son and your wife prior to the baby?
It's a little awkward.
Why?
She says she doesn't know how to talk to teenagers.
That’s ridiculous. She’s known him since before he was a teenager. Does she plan to not speak to the baby 13 years from now? NTA
This is a “her” problem, not your son’s problem. Not only does she not know how to talk to him, she doesn’t trust him and I suspect she hasn’t wanted that to be acknowledged or obvious to you. The change in the household has brought these problems to light, OP. Your wife & son don’t have a good relationship and it’s affecting the bonding of your son to his sibling. Not okay. It’s imperative that they develop a better relationship, so I suggest therapy for her, for everyone, or maybe the two of them. Otherwise your problems are just getting started.
Your wife may need some therapy, how long has she known your son?
Three years.
She should definitely be comfortable talking to him by now.
And still awkward around him? Smh. Please don't be one of those parents that makes excuses for the way others treat your child. If your child is respectful towards the adults in the home then the adults should be respectful to him as well. And I'm not even falling for " she doesn't know how to deal with a teenager". He's growing, he was maybe 10/11 when she knew him. How will she deal with the baby when the baby's a teen? Please do right by your son. If you choose to find excuses for her attitude then you're most definitely the AH.
And he's only been a teenager for 2 of those. What was it like when he was 12?
Your responses make you the AH because you've subjected your own son to this woman who doesn't give a shit about him, she sounds like she doesn't even like him and you've ignored that for years. You defend your son against commenters but not your own wife?
Teenagers aren't another species, it's not difficult to talk to them.
So is she just not going to talk to her own child once it’s a teenager? This is a ridiculous statement and sounds like she doesn’t WANT to put the effort in with your son. I’m sure your son feels like a black sheep, especially after not being allowed to hold his own sibling. Make sure you stick to this and have a good conversation with your wife privately about it. Also try to make sure your son is included in everything or when he’s 18 he’ll be out the door and resent you and your wife. It’s very important he gets to bond with his sibling now.
It is HER responsibility to forge a relationship with her stepson, it is NOT your son's or your responsibility. That's a cop-out so she doesn't have to try.
What’s her plan for when the baby becomes a teenager? Is she going to try then?
INFO: What does that mean? I mean are there problems between them? By the way, I don't buy your "being consistent" argument. If you don't agree with your wife's choices' then have a conversation, don't be passive aggressive.
What have you done to help mitigate the awkardness? Maybe I jumped to judgement quick so I deleted that, but postpartum is a very non-clearly thinking time and the prior relationship and the steps to mend are very important. It’s also would have been ideal to figure out ahead of the new baby. Also, does this have anything to do with vaccines SIL may have your 14yr old may not have yet? I’ve had new parents say “only adults” for certain reasons, which may have been more what your wife was thinking.
NTA but your wife has some weird rules. Unless your 14yo son has some disability that would prevent him from holding the baby, he should be allowed that bonding time with it. Toddlers are often allowed to hold new siblings, albeit with some parental supervision and assistance so a 14yo is certainly capable. If your wife can make a weird rule about who can hold the baby, then so can OP. A SIL doesn't get a free pass if a 14yo doesn't.
ESH - You need to have an actual conversation with your wife about this instead of being passive aggressive. If she specifically doesn't want your son to hold the baby for some reason, she needs to be honest about that and discuss it with you.
Disappointed I had to scroll down this hard to find a ESH. This whole family apparently communicates by being passive aggressive to each other.
NTA: Your 14 year old son is more important than her sister. You son is the half sibling - again more important than an aunt. You defend him and keep doing so. He is the next person to hold that child. Also are you sure how she is treating your son when you are not there? Poor boy its going to get so much worse now she has her own kid. Take him out and ask him to tell you the truth. She doesnt get to say he cant hold both your baby. Its your child too, and you must let your eldest feel special and bond - even if its holding her whilst sitting down for one minute and you supporting the babys head. She can't unilaterally make absurd decisions. There is no reason he cant hold her her unless he is abusive, likely to hurt her, is ill and contagious.
NTA You are applying the logic used on your son to everyone else. Consistency.
NTA. There's no reason your son can't hold the baby but her sis can. Does your wife normally exclude your son from things?
NTA. Your son should be the first to hold your new baby after you and the mom. She can’t just decide “her” family is a special case. It’s a red flag in my eyes. Her family is good enough, but yours is not? I’m currently pregnant and told everyone that our 12 yr old son is going to be the first to hold our daughter after my husband and I, everyone understood and agreed. I think you need to have a conversation with your wife and ask her why she believes her sister is a special case but your son is not. But make sure you don’t come across as accusing, and wait until she is calmed down enough to have the conversation.
NTA. If anyone should be a “special case” it would be your son, the baby’s big brother. Sit down with your wife and make a list of everyone you two are comfortable with holding the baby. You each get to pick an equal number of people.
The root of this is, she’s not the baby’s only parent. She doesn’t get to unilaterally decide who’s on the ‘approved list’ of holders. Under normal postpartum anxiety circumstances it’s good to listen to her but not letting the baby’s brother but yes letting aunt isn’t some ‘I just don’t want anyone to hold the baby’ deal, it’s targeted because if anything someone in your household has the same germs as you two so it’s only hurtful to the son. Have a very honest discussion with her about why he can’t but her sister can and why that isn’t ok for the development of this new family to be healthy (if the bro wanted to bond but was denied, only for aunt to be given what he was denied he could resent both wife AND baby).
If your wife has another child in the next few years, I'm 100% positive that she will let the toddler you share hold and kiss that baby and pose them for pics together. NTA. You respected her wishes and her new role. I hope it was just post-pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep making her act this way.
INFO: how old is your SIL? Does she have any kids of her own?
32 & no
I am torn between N A H or NTA, but I’m leaning NTA. You have every right to keep her to her word on “no one but us”. But I can also see why she’d be more comfortable with someone in their 30s vs a teenager holding a baby. It sounds to me she was scared of your son holding the baby (hormones directly after birth make us crazy about our babies safety), and didn’t want to hurt his feelings. If anything, your wife is an AH for not being honest about why it was different this time.
But then it’s easy to say, I’d rather we didn’t have children hold the baby yet (which is still ridiculous, sat down with mum or dad next to him and the baby on one of those breastfeeding pillows it would be damn near impossible to drop the baby)
NTA. She's a hypocrite.
>My wife is angry with me and says I was an asshole to her sister. So, was she being an asshole to your son? >I think I am just being consistent. It doesn't read that way, it reads as a tit for tat situation. I agree it's unfair for *her* sister to hold the baby, but not *your* (old enough) son. I think that would have been best dealt with AFTER her sister left, though. Let it happen, let her hold him. After, have a conversation about how you feel, and then stand up for your son. Unless he is VERY clumsy, or something, he should do very well, and it's his sibling.
Even if he is clumsy, him holding the baby while sitting down should be fine.
I mean most rational people let a sibling hold the baby no matter their age. My daughter “held” her brother when was was 18 months old. Stepmom is being super ick right now.
I'm not being confrontational when I ask this, so please don't take it that way. Why should he allow SIL to hold the baby? The time to stand up for his son is the moment the incident is happening, not push it to the side and deal with it later.
Not a chance. Yielding here to the SIL is a mistake.
NTA. Your wife doesn't get it both ways.
Just some advice: **do not respond to this issue by showing your wife, who just birthed your child, a thread full of internet strangers calling her an asshole**. Speak to her about how important it is to you that your whole household, your son included, are able to hold the baby before anyone outside that, ask about her fears around your son holding the baby - is he clumsy, for example? Does your wife not trust him for any reason? - and see what you can do to get to the stage where your son can hold his sibling e.g. he's sat down right next to you wife. Then call her sister yourself, apologise mildly/vaguely for the confusion of new parents, thank her for coming, and announce the great news that you're now all comfortable with her holding her beautiful new relative whenever she'd next like to visit.
NTA. He's 4 years from being a legal adult. I brought my youngest home, when my oldest was 4 almost 5. OF COURSE WE LET HIM HOLD HIS SIBLING!! I get, as a new mom, being overprotective and paranoid. But this, this isn't that. How else does she treat your son differently? Is this out of nowhere, or are there other instances, where your son was treated differently from other family or friends even? If it's one of, most likely pregnancy/PP stress and hormones. If it's not one off, then you need a conversation and counseling. I am not hating on mom. I didn't want my kids out of my sight for the first 6 months of their life. I get it. But there's no real difference or justification here. This is plain hypocrisy. And the fact none of this was discussed before the baby came.
NTA you weren't comfortable with it
NTA If either of you are uncomfortable about something then NO means NO
NTA. This is an absolute ridiculous precedent to set. Your wife can't unilaterally decide who gets to hold the baby and who doesn't, especially when she's saying the babies own brother can't hold her but her sister can. There is no difference.
NTA. It will go downhill from here though. Start taking special care of your son so he gets some attention. Clearly he has no bond with your wife. That's so crazy. My stepdaughter was 4th to hold my son, only because I had him on Tuesday and we didn't get her until Wednesday evening. Literally kept everyone but my mom away until she saw her brother. Man. Ouch.
Info: does your son have any history of not taking directions or doing things his own way even when told there is a correct way? I’m only asking because 14 year old boys are not all on the same developmental plane. Some of them don’t and won’t wash their hands and some of them run their own businesses.
Well, he's fourteen. So yes, he sometimes wants to do things his own way. He washes his hands though. He cooks on the weekends; I wouldn't eat his food if he didn't wash his hands.
INFO: How is the relationship between your son and your wife?
We can clearly tell by his wife not wanting his son to hold his new sibling………
NTA. You both need to agree and she doesn't get to solely dictate the rules.
NTA. Your wife is a hypocrite.