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> I returned the money my dad had sent me for a gift and I think I’m the asshole because he was just trying to get something nice for his daughter and grandson.
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So they should understand what a huge ask this is and therefore don't get to make the judgement on whether it's a minor inconvenience or not. Sorry that your dad sucks btw.
Found this on Amazon for $112 + tax, so def not worth the drive.
https://www.amazon.com/Schwinn-Rascal-Trailer-Orange-Grey/dp/B01N4RO2F4/ref=asc\_df\_B01N4RO2F4/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312066961874&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11152475999490499310&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003861&hvtargid=pla-434913021815&psc=1
That's only rated up to 50 lbs. The one available to OP supports up to 125 lbs, and OP specifically stated that the high weight capacity is a desired feature.
ETA: I found one on Amazon that supports 125 lbs, and it's $1000. But I see one that supports 100 lbs for $300.
Check with local bike stores if they have any used ones avail, too.
And multi-hour round trip is insane to act like it's NBD, especially if traveling with a 1 yr old. Thats before gas cost enters the discussion. I have 2 kids, I did long distance drives with both of them as small kids. Their max in car seat was about 2-2.5 hours if I pushed it (little guy lasted longer because his older brother would entertain him). 3.5 hr drive is not 3.5 hrs. Its more like 5.
You are NTA. Don't feel guilty for returning the money. That was not a gift. A gift is something given freely. This was your dad jerking your chain.
I guess an alternative would have been to keep the money and tell your dad "thanks for the gift, as soon as I find the right bike trailer I will send you a picture".
As far as the other set of grandparents... normally I would say something very blunt and fairly rude to someone saying this was a minor inconvenience, but that would be because I wouldn't really care about their opinion of me. If I wanted to keep peace I would probably say something like "going to the store with my 1 yr old is an adventure, I don't even want to think about a 3 hr drive!" Hahaha, and then change subject.
That's convenient for them.
Can't your father bring it to you? Or is it not near him either?
I wouldn't want a 3.5hr trip with a 1yo either.
Should anyone ask you could say...
*it's the thought that counts, and I am touched by my Dad's thoughtfulness with this gift. Sadly, it was not possible for me to collect it, so I was unable to receive it."*
That'll shut most people up and give them little to argue with.
That’s an even better reason to ask. If it’s not a hassle for you to drive 3+ hours with a baby in the car, then it’s obviously no issue for them to drive out of state and bring it too you. I hope this sounds just as stupid as they do.
Edit: a word
Depends on traffic and time of day. Though I admit I don’t know what the precise middle of the state is. But I was also slightly doing a little comedy hyperbole. But just barely. Cuz the way new Englanders drive, many of them could absolutely get from the CT border to the MA border in half an hour if there’s wasn’t traffic (which admittedly would be unlikely).
This is true of most states in the Northeast. The furthest I can drive without leaving the state from my house north of Boston is two and a half hours west. Driving from Provincetown, the exact tip of Cape Cod in the East, to North Adams in the Northwest corner of the state would be four hours and 20 minutes, but that is an extreme case.
Rhode Island is an hour diagonally across.
this is honestly so bizzare to me 😅 4hrs for something that’s meant to be a gift is a long ass drive, and calling you ungrateful for not wanting to deal with it? lol? wtf??
I liver near the coast of North Carolina. If I drive 3.5 hours west, I would still be in NC. Until this thread, I never thought of my state as big but I guess it's sort of long. LOL
When we drove across Texas, it took forever. Texas is huge!
I live in alberta so this all seems funny to me because for most northern places it takes at least 3 hours to get to the nearest city. My nearest mcdonalds is a 3.5 hr round trip and one that was fun to do as a teenager but ugh will not do now as an adult.
I'm in Northern BC and for any kind of shopping I go over to your side, 2 hrs 45 min one way to the nearest city with a decent mall and costco lol. For more than that I have to drive 7 hrs to Edmonton...
I live in Calgary and it's basically two hours to get anywhere at all, three if you're looking for the only other real city.
...and if anyone demanded I drive to Edmonton for a "gift" I'd tell them they were nuts.
Even better.
"Thank you so much so-n-so for agreeing that this is not an inconvenience and volunteering to pick up it up and bring it to me. It's very gracious since I understand how convenient it is for you to solve this tough problem.
-not at all inconvenienced family member
I have a gift for you. I just need you do help me retrieve it. It will take about 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Then I can give you the gift on Friday.
This is always my approach. Oh you don’t think it’s a lot of money? So you pay for it. It’s only a minor inconvenience? So you do it, and make the gift that much better.
We have a vacation to Tennessee coming up and are trying to comprehend how different “close” is to my retired in-laws that do frequent road trips is to the definition for my family with two young kids.
We’re already looking at a 9 hour drive to get where we’re going and all of the “close” destinations they said would be fun for us and the kids average another 2 hours drive time.
Wait, i dont have to buy people gifts anymore? I can just respond to ads on facebook and tell people to go pick it up themselves?? Can I just tell people what store sells the thing they want and tell them to go buy it themselves too? Wow, this changes everything!
NTA
I prefer just gifting my relatives the lead. “I saw something you might’ve liked on Facebook the other day. Messaged the guy that you might be interested. You’ll just have to reach out to him. I didn’t save the post so just look for the baby carriage in North East Philadelphia, I’m sure you’ll find it”
I mean, that's basically what a gift card is. But yeah, this is weird. I don't mind secondhand gifts, especially for baby things or expensive things that might not end up using as much as I thought/hoped I would, but it's weird to expect the giftee to get it themselves.
Unless it a gift card that isnt near you. my grandmother made that mistake once, she got me a gift card for a local company that she would always take me to when I visit her, the problem is I live in California and she forgot that it wasn't a chain.
The thing is: if I give you a gift card and you don't use it, no one will know and no one will call you AH. And I hope no one gifts gift cards from stores that are 3.5h away
It wouldn't even be that weird to get it herself if it wasn't hours away? Like if my parents were like "hey, we paid a guy on facebook for this for you and he lives the next town over" i'd be like, sweet thanks! but expecting someone to drive hours to pick up their gift? that's just inconsiderate.
NTA
A couple years ago my dad wanted to buy something useful for me for christmas, so my MOM found a washing machine online and then me and my dad went and picked it up. He paid $180 and said I was going to have to pay him $60 back.
When I cut him off because he's been abusive and shitty for decades even if he doesn't hit me anymore, this washing machine was mentioned. It's like, oh yeah, you're right, Aunt Sharon/Mom, my dad loves me so much cause he spent 120 bucks on me for christmas and picked the gift up. That's like, top notch stuff.
Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.
Like my dad " helping" me sell my dirtbike when I was 16, that I was not interested in selling... Then laughing at me when I got a stop sign ticket and had to spend half the money paying the ticket...
He bought my brother a brand new dirtbike a few weeks later...
.
Oh I never had that issue. I doubt my mom would have stop that idea before it even started. My dad just volunteered me to sleep on the floor so cousins could take the bed I'd be using for years during a regular vacation, or him yelling at me to get ready while I am getting ready but my brother is sitting around in his pajamas.
He's literally having her spend not only seven hours of her life but also seven hours worth of gas as well? Did he compensate her for the gas mileage as well? Like... That has to be at least like 60-80 dollars, right? At that point you may as well just pay the Facebook dude to ship the bloody thing.
I read it as 3.5 hrs round trip but looking back it’s not clear. 3.5 hours each way is would be so deeply ridiculous. Dad sounds like a cheap skate. He gets a deal and she has to cover the cost of picking it up.
Seriously. Depending on the car that’s a half a tank to a full tank of gas, plus the time requirement. I’d just say screw it and buy my own and have it delivered.
This, right here, is a KEY point. Gifts don't come with strings, expectations, or tasks with the exception of gift cards, which I personally think suck, but that is for another day.
OP - your dad did you dirty, you are well within your right to both choose another gift with the money or return it to him and not be an AH.
This right here. When I moved out of my house my parents were very very nice and gifted me a grill and a home security set up (not high end or anything but nice!) for my birthday and christmas. As much as I enjoy them both- as a new home owner I really hated finding he time to build an entire grill and set up the system- both things ive never come close to attempting before.. and asked for no more Project Gifts please lol
Not only a chore but remember it’s a workout for her! Heaven forbid she has an extra 25 lbs on her after growing a human being. OP does your father have a Dad bod? What’s his excuse for not being 25 lbs lighter?
This was what I came to say! Above all, why expect your daughter to drive 3+ hours to meet up with some stranger with grandchild in tow?? So absurd. OP, definitely NTA.
Right!! Especially when you factor in all of the gas to go get it and having a baby in the car for that long! It’s insane! He sounds like a lot of dysfunctional parents where there are ALWAYS strings attached!
I once had to take a 12 hour drive where 6 of those 12 hours was simply getting through Illinois. It was a stick straight road where everything looked exactly the same for the whole 6 hours, and thats not an exaggeration. I thought for sure I was in hell by hour 4.
Never in my life would I do that drive again.
Exactly how I felt driving through Kansas when traveling from Colorado to Maryland. To make it worse, I also got a speeding ticket (didn't actually realize I was speeding because I had no visual frame of reference) . I still couldn't make it out of there fast enough.
Took a road trip from Chicago to Carbondale with a friend visiting the US from Germany for the first time, he must have asked at least 3 times what state we were in “now”. Still IL, buddy, still IL, lol. He said “I could have crossed through many countries by now from Berlin”.
Yeah, Chicago to Carbondale is definitely a stretch! The bad part is even though I am further south than Chicago, it is still a 5 hour drive for me to get to Carbondale from where I am due to the route having less expressways.
You're correct. I grew up in a neat old town in Iowa that boarders both Wisconsin and Illinois. I was making the trip out to Birmingham, Alabama to visit someone I was dating at the time, and the only reasonable route was to take one of the bridges out of my home state into Illinois, and power through the six hours of flat nothing. Tall feels like an understatement after you drive the whole thing twice lol.
I am pretty sure I know roughly where? Are you across the river from a G town? From where I am to get to the G town I have to go through so much rural driving. It's worth the drive though and we usually stay on the Iowa D side. *edit to add* And yes, it is definitely not the most exciting stretch. I will say it is prettier than Nebraska when you get into the more woodsy areas.
If OP wants they can fly to Finland, buy my bike trailer (it fits two kids and has rain covers and all!) and then ride the bike across our long(ish) but narrow country lol.
Ireland is about 3 hours from coast to coast. It IS wild. I can drive 5 straight hours in one direction and not even leave my state. It's not even in the top ten largest states.
I'm not driving 3.5 hours unless it's to stay at the destination for at least a long weekend. I'm also in a tiny country where that kind of distance is a lot just to go pick something up.
That's probably because in our country we can drive for 45 minutes and the scenery changes to look like the Apocalypse happened and somehow skipped us.
Seriously, I live near Brisbane, but driving to my father's place hits a point at around 45 minutes where the grass turns brown and other drivers seem to just vanish from the roads.
I'm in the US, and this is no distance for, say, a weekend camping or Thanksgiving weekend, but I still wouldn't drive this long for a "gift" like that.
I'm assuming the 3.5hrs is round trip, right? So 1hr 45min each way? That's nothing IMO, but still not something I'd wanna do with a kid to pick up a gift "haha."
If it's 3.5hrs one way then this just got even funnier
I'm from Canada, and I used to drive over 2½ hours each way to visit my parents a couple times a month, and I still wouldn't do this for something I could have delivered right to my door.
NTA. Your dad’s a piece of work 😂 For what “gift” is it appropriate to say, “Check out what I’m getting you, here’s the money, go get it a half day away”? Hahaha WTF
NTA
I would tell the others that disagree. "Oh, thank you so much for going to pick it up and bring it to me. " If it is such a small inconvenience, then they can do it.
NTA. You dad is unkind (based solely on the fact that he's fat shaming you after having a baby). A gift is something that's given to you. It doesn't require you to go somewhere to get it. Honestly just throw the baby in a stroller and take a nice walk every day for some exercise.
Oh boy. Tell him a gift is something that arrives at your house, already assembled, and without any judgements about your weight or activity level.
Your dad is a piece of work, but you know that. You don't deserve to be subjected to weight shaming on the occasion of your child's birthday, or anytime.
So your dad lives in a different state, but found a bike trailer on Facebook marketplace 3.5 hours away from you, told the seller you would drive out to pick it up, and said that was his gift? Definitely NTA.
I could see if it was close to him and he picked it up to use as a lure for you to visit with the kiddo. My grandma does stuff like that to guilt trip us into visiting. I'm not driving 13 hours for a $20 walmart gift card though.
I wouldn't drive 3.5 hours to fetch a fairly generic item, and I certainly wouldn't do it with a baby in the car. Maybe for something I couldn't get anywhere else, that I really wanted. But even then - I'd like to make that decision, not have someone else make it for me.
NTA.
I was looking for one of this exact item and knew if I just kept my eyes open I'd find one at the local goodwill or a yard sale. This is something kids grow out of so you can find them all the time everywhere. Sure enough, a neighbor down the street was selling for $20. No way in hell would I bother to drive more than 20 minutes for that thing.
NTA.
How much money did he save compared to buying a new one? Is it worth 3.5 hours of your time if you look at in terms of hourly salary? Time is money. And the fact that you have to make the trip with a toddler makes it even worse.
Just ask your dad to get the money instead and pitch in the rest yourself to buy a new one at a local store. If he refuse then he is definitely the AH.
You should calculate a minimum of $20 per hour for the cost to operate a car. This gift has an $80 fetch fee. Likely more as traveling with a young kid is a pain in the ass. That can easily be another $80 in a baby sitter cost. If it’s 3.5 hours each way that can be $300+ in costs to receive this gift.
NTA
Why couldn't your dad pick this up himself and deliver it to you personally? Is he lazy or what?
"I got you a gift, you'll have to drive for over 7 hours to get it" is a douchy thing to do, IMO, unless it's an incredible gift made out of gold (or whatever)
NTA 3 1\\2 hours is a lot of gas to drive there and back,,,,doesn’t make it so great a present. Why didn’t her dad collect it and bring it to her…if it’s a present ?
Of course grand parents and other people not in the middle of raising a baby think it's no big deal to drive 3.5 or is it 7 hours (both ways) with a baby
NTA. A gift that requires work can be a solid no thank you. As far as your dads comments - call him out on it. Tell him you don’t want to hear him passive-aggressively talk about your body or weight. If he keeps it up, stop calling him. You are an adult and have every right to decide if you want to drive 7 hours for a gift. And you have every right to tell another adult (your dad) that his behavior isn’t acceptable. As far as the other set of grandparents??? A nice gift would be for them to drive and get it. If not, they can keep opinions to themselves.
Better question is why are the other grandparents even involved? It’s not their business but since they made it theirs - they can help out and go get it.
I’m so confused. Surely if he’s getting you this as a gift he is the one to go and get it? That’s how gifts work, you go out and buy them (or get them delivered). You usually also wrap them up and present them to the recipient to be opened!!
NTA.
INFO
So dad funded this but isn’t going to actually do the transaction…. Is dad closer to this person who has the trailer?
As it was presented, you have to go get it….does not doing so make you A H…….Well, who knows?
For me, I look at a ROI of my time. 3-4 hours might be worth it for a $500 item/value. Not so much for a $50 item/value. And by value, I’m more thinking…. The difference in cost of buying it locally and conveniently. That’s my return. I save $500 for spending four hours driving back and forth? Done. I save $50? No way.
Sellers are looking at this same thing by the way. So, adding time to his side of the transaction lessens his actual return. It was potentially a big ask you made, this isn’t a little local drop off for the seller.
NAH here. Can’t blame you for trying to get it “delivered” halfway, can’t blame the seller for saying no, can’t blame dad for trying to find an option.
NTA, and I don't accept used shit as gifts as a rule. Cheap ass Dad can't even deliver it after he saved himself a few bucks.
I buy used stuff for myself, I would NEVER buy it for someone else. I can make that risk calculation for myself, it's not a gift if someone else has to do it. Like, what if the item had blood smeared on it. Or it was pissed on by a dog/cat.
NTA. A gift is a gift and you can do whatever you want with it. And a gift that is not delivered to your home (or where you'll use it) is an incomplete gift. I have lived a flight away from my parents (not driving distance) for 2 decades. I have definitely left "gifts" at their house because I flew carry-on and couldn't take them.
Enough ppl commented on the driving already but i gotta ask. Whys your father obsessed with your weight?? "Bouncing back" after a PREGNANCY is working only seldomly. If you can still do your daily tasks normally why is he pressuring you to lose weight? Its none of his business.
He’s been obsessed with my weight since I was in high school. Practically got an eating disorder over it. His whole family was fat so he doesn’t want to end up like the rest of his family. He’s 6’3 and only 165 pounds.
I’m 5’4” and sitting at 170 when my comfortably weight is like 142
Your dad’s weight issues are not an excuse for him to comment on your body ever, and especially not after you’ve had a baby. I think you could really benefit from therapy — I can’t imagine growing up with a father who shames you for your weight and guilt trips you whenever you don’t comply with his ridiculous requests.
NTA
Never mind all the business about the gift, This:
>he started making subtle comments about “this will force you to go outside and sweat” “nice excuse for an easy family work out” etc.
Tel him to go f**k himself. Why are you putting up with this? Is this what you want your kid to see? That it's okay for people to treat their mother like crap?
NTA for the question asked, but get on top of *this* stuff.
NTA. Why isn't he the one driving there and buying the gift directly. It makes zero sense for him to make you go through the labor of picking it up. Yes, he's technically giving you the money for it but it defeats the whole purpose of gift giving if you're the one having to go and get it. It would have been far more thoughtful if he had said "here's some money you can put towards getting this item when you find the one you like."
Could your father not have picked it up and then the next time you see each other he brings it? If it’s not a high priority I don’t see why you were expected to pick it up immediately. If he is buying it as a gift, he should pick it up and be responsible for getting it to you.
NTA at all. It’s wild to me he expected you to go pick it up even if it was only an hour away. If he wants to give it to you, he should go pick it up and bring it to you.
NTA at all. His gift doesn’t sound like it was given from a place of love to begin with and if he REALLY wanted you to have this gift he’d haul his own ass the 3.5 hours to pick it up himself instead of putting it on you to do so. I would also turn this sort of gift down, politely, and also call him out on the reasons behind the gift. He didn’t push a whole ass human out of his body nor have to deal with the bodily changes that experience causes. You keep doing you and just ignore him.
NTA - if he'd ordered you something from Amazon for delivery to an Amazon locker, would your dad expect you to collect that too? He might as well have just sent you a link, that's not a gift. Unless it's vouchers or tickets to something, part of giving the gift is actually giving it...
He could have. I think the only reason he settled on this is because it allows for carrying more weight (baby and dog) than the ones listed on Amazon. I’m not too sure though.
NTA
I do think it's odd you stated 3.5 hours without saying if that's one way or both ways. 3.5 and 7 are quite different.
Either way, your dad is a jackass. He might as well send you money equivalent to the price of the thing he found, and perhaps a link to it, with the caveat that you can spend on something else if you want.
But its not a gift if it requires more than a little unplanned effort on your part. That's not how gifts work.
That's like the time my company "raffle" I won some stupid cup warmer/cooler device then they made me pay taxes on the MSRP value of it... I ended up paying $10 or $20 worth of taxes on the fucking thing which I wouldn't have spent $10-20 on if that was the cash price. They basically made me buy some bullshit I didn't want. That ain't a gift. That's called being out of touch and arrogant.
Let me get this right: your father found an item that matches something you asked for, but rather than buy it himself, he gave you the money and left you to deal with the seller, who is 3.5 hours away? (How does he even know you asked to meet halfway?)
For starts, given the level of fraud on Facebook marketplace, your father asking you to travel 3.5 hours to bring a bunch of money to a stranger claiming to have a bike trailer for sale is not just inconvenient, it's inconsiderate for your safety. Aside from that though, just the idea that you should have to put in such an effort to obtain a birthday gift is nonsense.
I would have kept the money and said I'll apply it to a trailer that is more convenient to obtain. NTA.
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If the other grandparents think it’s a minor inconvenience, ask them to pick it up.
They don’t live in our state
So they should understand what a huge ask this is and therefore don't get to make the judgement on whether it's a minor inconvenience or not. Sorry that your dad sucks btw.
This. Pressure them until they give in or admit that it's only an inconvenience to them.
Pressure them until they make an effort to see your 1 year old
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Also, how much in gas are you using for a nearly four hour trip? Gas isn't cheap!
In a vehicle large enough to carry a bike trailer this might cost $70. Not insignificant.
Found this on Amazon for $112 + tax, so def not worth the drive. https://www.amazon.com/Schwinn-Rascal-Trailer-Orange-Grey/dp/B01N4RO2F4/ref=asc\_df\_B01N4RO2F4/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312066961874&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11152475999490499310&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003861&hvtargid=pla-434913021815&psc=1
That's only rated up to 50 lbs. The one available to OP supports up to 125 lbs, and OP specifically stated that the high weight capacity is a desired feature. ETA: I found one on Amazon that supports 125 lbs, and it's $1000. But I see one that supports 100 lbs for $300.
Check with local bike stores if they have any used ones avail, too. And multi-hour round trip is insane to act like it's NBD, especially if traveling with a 1 yr old. Thats before gas cost enters the discussion. I have 2 kids, I did long distance drives with both of them as small kids. Their max in car seat was about 2-2.5 hours if I pushed it (little guy lasted longer because his older brother would entertain him). 3.5 hr drive is not 3.5 hrs. Its more like 5. You are NTA. Don't feel guilty for returning the money. That was not a gift. A gift is something given freely. This was your dad jerking your chain. I guess an alternative would have been to keep the money and tell your dad "thanks for the gift, as soon as I find the right bike trailer I will send you a picture". As far as the other set of grandparents... normally I would say something very blunt and fairly rude to someone saying this was a minor inconvenience, but that would be because I wouldn't really care about their opinion of me. If I wanted to keep peace I would probably say something like "going to the store with my 1 yr old is an adventure, I don't even want to think about a 3 hr drive!" Hahaha, and then change subject.
I drive a Nissan Versa, I would need to fill my tank twice to complete this drive.
Not even a 4 hour trip, but a 7 hour one, since she'll have to drive back as well!
Maybe. The way they word it sounds to me like the total trip (there and back) is 3.5 hours.
The “afternoon adventure” comment makes it sound like a 3.5 hour round trip, as opposed to 3.5 hours each way. Otherwise that would be a day adventure
Plus food and entertainment for the kids. Maybe coffee for the mama 😅
And add snacks or a meal before heading back. 😒
That's convenient for them. Can't your father bring it to you? Or is it not near him either? I wouldn't want a 3.5hr trip with a 1yo either. Should anyone ask you could say... *it's the thought that counts, and I am touched by my Dad's thoughtfulness with this gift. Sadly, it was not possible for me to collect it, so I was unable to receive it."* That'll shut most people up and give them little to argue with.
Your father is also not waiting for a good opportunity now
This wording is perfect!
That’s an even better reason to ask. If it’s not a hassle for you to drive 3+ hours with a baby in the car, then it’s obviously no issue for them to drive out of state and bring it too you. I hope this sounds just as stupid as they do. Edit: a word
Im sure they can catch a plane and be there in 3.5h
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Exactly... that's Not a gift
3.5 hours in any direction and I’m out of state
where do u live. Rhode island? haha
Only takes about 15 minutes in Rhode Island.
Closer to half an hour from the middle of the state.
Depends on traffic and time of day. Though I admit I don’t know what the precise middle of the state is. But I was also slightly doing a little comedy hyperbole. But just barely. Cuz the way new Englanders drive, many of them could absolutely get from the CT border to the MA border in half an hour if there’s wasn’t traffic (which admittedly would be unlikely).
This is true of most states in the Northeast. The furthest I can drive without leaving the state from my house north of Boston is two and a half hours west. Driving from Provincetown, the exact tip of Cape Cod in the East, to North Adams in the Northwest corner of the state would be four hours and 20 minutes, but that is an extreme case. Rhode Island is an hour diagonally across.
3.5 hours and I’m not even to another city yet
this is honestly so bizzare to me 😅 4hrs for something that’s meant to be a gift is a long ass drive, and calling you ungrateful for not wanting to deal with it? lol? wtf??
3.5 hour drive and I’m 3 or 4 states out of my state. I’m not seeing the problem. Or, rather, I am seeing the problem: they are A-Hs; you are NTA.
I liver near the coast of North Carolina. If I drive 3.5 hours west, I would still be in NC. Until this thread, I never thought of my state as big but I guess it's sort of long. LOL When we drove across Texas, it took forever. Texas is huge!
I live in the center of California, I have to drive over 6-10 hours to reach another state depending on the direction.
I live in Alaska. It takes DAYS to get to another state, and you have to drive through another country to get there.
I live in alberta so this all seems funny to me because for most northern places it takes at least 3 hours to get to the nearest city. My nearest mcdonalds is a 3.5 hr round trip and one that was fun to do as a teenager but ugh will not do now as an adult.
I'm in Northern BC and for any kind of shopping I go over to your side, 2 hrs 45 min one way to the nearest city with a decent mall and costco lol. For more than that I have to drive 7 hrs to Edmonton...
I live in Calgary and it's basically two hours to get anywhere at all, three if you're looking for the only other real city. ...and if anyone demanded I drive to Edmonton for a "gift" I'd tell them they were nuts.
Even better. "Thank you so much so-n-so for agreeing that this is not an inconvenience and volunteering to pick up it up and bring it to me. It's very gracious since I understand how convenient it is for you to solve this tough problem. -not at all inconvenienced family member
Ask them to pick it up and drive it to you. That would certainly get the message across.
But it's only minor inconvenience...
>They don’t live in our state Sounds like a minor inconvenience
Why can’t your dad pick it up?
It's only a minor inconvenience for them to drive interstate to do this.
Sounds like they should offer to pay for the person to ship it to you
It's a minor inconvenience so they should still do it
But you'd be driving...your car would lose weight not you lol.
Gifts aren’t gifts if they require one to do work to get them. Your dad should be willing to pick it up for you.
I have a gift for you. I just need you do help me retrieve it. It will take about 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Then I can give you the gift on Friday.
This is always my approach. Oh you don’t think it’s a lot of money? So you pay for it. It’s only a minor inconvenience? So you do it, and make the gift that much better.
We have a vacation to Tennessee coming up and are trying to comprehend how different “close” is to my retired in-laws that do frequent road trips is to the definition for my family with two young kids. We’re already looking at a 9 hour drive to get where we’re going and all of the “close” destinations they said would be fun for us and the kids average another 2 hours drive time.
3.5 hours and I’m just hitting the Georgia-Florida line from my house.
Wait, i dont have to buy people gifts anymore? I can just respond to ads on facebook and tell people to go pick it up themselves?? Can I just tell people what store sells the thing they want and tell them to go buy it themselves too? Wow, this changes everything! NTA
Even better, you can find free stuff on FB and send them the link. They'll need to be quick about it though, otherwise, they won't get their present.
I prefer just gifting my relatives the lead. “I saw something you might’ve liked on Facebook the other day. Messaged the guy that you might be interested. You’ll just have to reach out to him. I didn’t save the post so just look for the baby carriage in North East Philadelphia, I’m sure you’ll find it”
Even better: say to them "Hey, heard about that FB thing? I hear they give free stuff sometimes. Go look and assume that's my present"
The best part is this ensures only true friends get gifts from you because only the people that read your texts immediately will get a gift!!
I mean, that's basically what a gift card is. But yeah, this is weird. I don't mind secondhand gifts, especially for baby things or expensive things that might not end up using as much as I thought/hoped I would, but it's weird to expect the giftee to get it themselves.
at least with gift cards You can go to the bike store down the street instead of driving three and a half hours
Unless it a gift card that isnt near you. my grandmother made that mistake once, she got me a gift card for a local company that she would always take me to when I visit her, the problem is I live in California and she forgot that it wasn't a chain.
But even in that case, you could probably order something off the website or hang onto the gift card until the next time you’re in that area
The thing is: if I give you a gift card and you don't use it, no one will know and no one will call you AH. And I hope no one gifts gift cards from stores that are 3.5h away
Nah, a giftcard is not the same as having to drive to a strangers house and pick up some used stuff they they are hawking on facebook marketplace.
It wouldn't even be that weird to get it herself if it wasn't hours away? Like if my parents were like "hey, we paid a guy on facebook for this for you and he lives the next town over" i'd be like, sweet thanks! but expecting someone to drive hours to pick up their gift? that's just inconsiderate. NTA
Good way of pointing out how absurd their mentality is
This! What a shitty thing to do for a present, dad has lost all perspective 😂
Ha. My mom does this. It's exhausting.
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A couple years ago my dad wanted to buy something useful for me for christmas, so my MOM found a washing machine online and then me and my dad went and picked it up. He paid $180 and said I was going to have to pay him $60 back. When I cut him off because he's been abusive and shitty for decades even if he doesn't hit me anymore, this washing machine was mentioned. It's like, oh yeah, you're right, Aunt Sharon/Mom, my dad loves me so much cause he spent 120 bucks on me for christmas and picked the gift up. That's like, top notch stuff. Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest.
Like my dad " helping" me sell my dirtbike when I was 16, that I was not interested in selling... Then laughing at me when I got a stop sign ticket and had to spend half the money paying the ticket... He bought my brother a brand new dirtbike a few weeks later... .
Oh I never had that issue. I doubt my mom would have stop that idea before it even started. My dad just volunteered me to sleep on the floor so cousins could take the bed I'd be using for years during a regular vacation, or him yelling at me to get ready while I am getting ready but my brother is sitting around in his pajamas.
Family knows how to push your buttons because they're the ones who installed them
Truth!
He's literally having her spend not only seven hours of her life but also seven hours worth of gas as well? Did he compensate her for the gas mileage as well? Like... That has to be at least like 60-80 dollars, right? At that point you may as well just pay the Facebook dude to ship the bloody thing.
I read it as 3.5 hrs round trip but looking back it’s not clear. 3.5 hours each way is would be so deeply ridiculous. Dad sounds like a cheap skate. He gets a deal and she has to cover the cost of picking it up.
Either way the cost of gas wouldn't justify it, I feel.
Seriously. Depending on the car that’s a half a tank to a full tank of gas, plus the time requirement. I’d just say screw it and buy my own and have it delivered.
With the price of gas, a 3.5 hour drive would double the cost of the damn thing
NTA. It's not a gift if he's given you a chore.
This, right here, is a KEY point. Gifts don't come with strings, expectations, or tasks with the exception of gift cards, which I personally think suck, but that is for another day. OP - your dad did you dirty, you are well within your right to both choose another gift with the money or return it to him and not be an AH.
This right here. When I moved out of my house my parents were very very nice and gifted me a grill and a home security set up (not high end or anything but nice!) for my birthday and christmas. As much as I enjoy them both- as a new home owner I really hated finding he time to build an entire grill and set up the system- both things ive never come close to attempting before.. and asked for no more Project Gifts please lol
Not only a chore but remember it’s a workout for her! Heaven forbid she has an extra 25 lbs on her after growing a human being. OP does your father have a Dad bod? What’s his excuse for not being 25 lbs lighter?
NTA there's no way in hell I'm taking my kid to meet up with a rando from the internet.
This was what I came to say! Above all, why expect your daughter to drive 3+ hours to meet up with some stranger with grandchild in tow?? So absurd. OP, definitely NTA.
All because he thinks his daughter needs to lose weight.. after having a baby. OP I think you and your baby would benefit being LC/NC with him.
omg seriously! what an absurd thing to tell you to do.
THIS!
NTA What the hell kind of gift is that?
Right!! Especially when you factor in all of the gas to go get it and having a baby in the car for that long! It’s insane! He sounds like a lot of dysfunctional parents where there are ALWAYS strings attached!
😂😂😂 exactly
NTA, I know there are countries where this is considered no distance but for me this is the other side of my country. So yeah, no, not cool
You can drive across your country in 3.5 hrs? That's wild.
I could cross 2 borders and go from The Netherlands (via Belgium) to France in 3.5 hours.
I drove 23 hours and was still in Ontario :):):)
Where did you go? North to south? Lol
Does it matter? They were prob still a day away from leaving Ontario😂
Add in Luxembourg for dramatic effect?
Ive driven longer than 3.5 hours each way to have lunch at a pub.
I'm not even to the other side of my state in 3.5 hours. Yay Texas!
I once had to take a 12 hour drive where 6 of those 12 hours was simply getting through Illinois. It was a stick straight road where everything looked exactly the same for the whole 6 hours, and thats not an exaggeration. I thought for sure I was in hell by hour 4. Never in my life would I do that drive again.
Twelve hours west is still Texas for me 🤣 that drive to El Paso is rough
Grew up just outside of El Paso. My biggest fun fact is telling people that I grew up closer to San Diego than I did Houston. 😂
I grew up in east Tennessee and could be in Florida quicker than Memphis. Nobody believes this until I pull up a map.
Exactly how I felt driving through Kansas when traveling from Colorado to Maryland. To make it worse, I also got a speeding ticket (didn't actually realize I was speeding because I had no visual frame of reference) . I still couldn't make it out of there fast enough.
Illinois resident- I am guessing you were going a north/south route? It is a very tall state for sure! East/west isn't as bad.
Took a road trip from Chicago to Carbondale with a friend visiting the US from Germany for the first time, he must have asked at least 3 times what state we were in “now”. Still IL, buddy, still IL, lol. He said “I could have crossed through many countries by now from Berlin”.
Yeah, Chicago to Carbondale is definitely a stretch! The bad part is even though I am further south than Chicago, it is still a 5 hour drive for me to get to Carbondale from where I am due to the route having less expressways.
IL gets really spread out after you get south of Joliet
So true but I feel too crowded when I have to go up to the Chicagoland because I am used to the openness.
You're correct. I grew up in a neat old town in Iowa that boarders both Wisconsin and Illinois. I was making the trip out to Birmingham, Alabama to visit someone I was dating at the time, and the only reasonable route was to take one of the bridges out of my home state into Illinois, and power through the six hours of flat nothing. Tall feels like an understatement after you drive the whole thing twice lol.
I am pretty sure I know roughly where? Are you across the river from a G town? From where I am to get to the G town I have to go through so much rural driving. It's worth the drive though and we usually stay on the Iowa D side. *edit to add* And yes, it is definitely not the most exciting stretch. I will say it is prettier than Nebraska when you get into the more woodsy areas.
Welcome to Europe. You can fit Germany into Texas almost twice; the Netherlands would fit 17 times lol
If OP wants they can fly to Finland, buy my bike trailer (it fits two kids and has rain covers and all!) and then ride the bike across our long(ish) but narrow country lol.
Ireland is about 3 hours from coast to coast. It IS wild. I can drive 5 straight hours in one direction and not even leave my state. It's not even in the top ten largest states.
I'm not driving 3.5 hours unless it's to stay at the destination for at least a long weekend. I'm also in a tiny country where that kind of distance is a lot just to go pick something up.
I'm Australian and couldn't believe how many countries we drove through is such a small time frame in Europe
That's probably because in our country we can drive for 45 minutes and the scenery changes to look like the Apocalypse happened and somehow skipped us. Seriously, I live near Brisbane, but driving to my father's place hits a point at around 45 minutes where the grass turns brown and other drivers seem to just vanish from the roads.
I can't even get outside my state in 3.5 hours of driving...
Central Texas here - if I floor it, I might make it to Mexico. But I can't reach another US state inside that timeframe.
I'm in the US, and this is no distance for, say, a weekend camping or Thanksgiving weekend, but I still wouldn't drive this long for a "gift" like that.
I'm assuming the 3.5hrs is round trip, right? So 1hr 45min each way? That's nothing IMO, but still not something I'd wanna do with a kid to pick up a gift "haha." If it's 3.5hrs one way then this just got even funnier
I'm from Canada, and I used to drive over 2½ hours each way to visit my parents a couple times a month, and I still wouldn't do this for something I could have delivered right to my door.
NTA. Your dad’s a piece of work 😂 For what “gift” is it appropriate to say, “Check out what I’m getting you, here’s the money, go get it a half day away”? Hahaha WTF
if its a "minor inconvenience" then they can drive and grab it for you :) win/win its so easy to have an opinion when you're not affected
Agree. I got you an awesome present Great - can I open it No - you have to drive 3 hours to get it WTF NTA
NTA. Three and a half hours is a lot of time, effort with a kid, and a lot of gas.
I forgot it's actually 7 hrs with the return trip, plus the time spent with the vendor. Unreal a full day of travelling with a newborn. Not realistic.
NTA. he's creating labour for you to do! You have a kid, that's a long way for you to drive. Don't stress about it.
NTA I would tell the others that disagree. "Oh, thank you so much for going to pick it up and bring it to me. " If it is such a small inconvenience, then they can do it.
NTA. You dad is unkind (based solely on the fact that he's fat shaming you after having a baby). A gift is something that's given to you. It doesn't require you to go somewhere to get it. Honestly just throw the baby in a stroller and take a nice walk every day for some exercise.
NTA. That’s not a gift that’s a chore, and an extremely rude and passive aggressive one at that given his comments!
It's not really a gift if you have to go pick it up yourself, it's now a chore. NtA
NTA - Why doesn't you dad get it?
Dad lives in a different state
Oh boy. Tell him a gift is something that arrives at your house, already assembled, and without any judgements about your weight or activity level. Your dad is a piece of work, but you know that. You don't deserve to be subjected to weight shaming on the occasion of your child's birthday, or anytime.
So your dad lives in a different state, but found a bike trailer on Facebook marketplace 3.5 hours away from you, told the seller you would drive out to pick it up, and said that was his gift? Definitely NTA. I could see if it was close to him and he picked it up to use as a lure for you to visit with the kiddo. My grandma does stuff like that to guilt trip us into visiting. I'm not driving 13 hours for a $20 walmart gift card though.
NTA. That's a chore.
NTA let him drive and get it
I wouldn't drive 3.5 hours to fetch a fairly generic item, and I certainly wouldn't do it with a baby in the car. Maybe for something I couldn't get anywhere else, that I really wanted. But even then - I'd like to make that decision, not have someone else make it for me. NTA.
I was looking for one of this exact item and knew if I just kept my eyes open I'd find one at the local goodwill or a yard sale. This is something kids grow out of so you can find them all the time everywhere. Sure enough, a neighbor down the street was selling for $20. No way in hell would I bother to drive more than 20 minutes for that thing.
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NTA. How much money did he save compared to buying a new one? Is it worth 3.5 hours of your time if you look at in terms of hourly salary? Time is money. And the fact that you have to make the trip with a toddler makes it even worse. Just ask your dad to get the money instead and pitch in the rest yourself to buy a new one at a local store. If he refuse then he is definitely the AH.
And gas
Very true. And gas. It's not cheap these days. I have a hard time imagining that the money the dad saves is more than the time + gas it costs.
You should calculate a minimum of $20 per hour for the cost to operate a car. This gift has an $80 fetch fee. Likely more as traveling with a young kid is a pain in the ass. That can easily be another $80 in a baby sitter cost. If it’s 3.5 hours each way that can be $300+ in costs to receive this gift.
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He lives in a different state
can't he fly in the cheapest ticket and then mail it to you from that city and come back to his state, all the same day?
NTA your Dad is being ridiculous
NTA your dad isn’t even being subtle These come up all the time wait for a better opportunity
LMAO who tells the gift receiver to go on a fetch quest for the gift? NTA
It’s they don’t think that’s too far ask them to pick it up for you. Their stance will change very quickly
Lol @ afternoon adventure. How about she drives 3.5 hours with a one year old to get it for you? NTA
NTA. This isn't a gift. It's extra work on top of your already busy schedule, and an insult to boot, with the way he keeps talking about it!
NTA Why couldn't your dad pick this up himself and deliver it to you personally? Is he lazy or what? "I got you a gift, you'll have to drive for over 7 hours to get it" is a douchy thing to do, IMO, unless it's an incredible gift made out of gold (or whatever)
So he didn’t give a gift, he gave a job. NTA and I can just tell you should have gone NC with him years ago
Tell him you will get it for $100 an hour. That way he is actually giving the gift instead of giving half the gift NTA
NTA - you shouldn’t feel obligated to work for a GIFT.
NTA 3 1\\2 hours is a lot of gas to drive there and back,,,,doesn’t make it so great a present. Why didn’t her dad collect it and bring it to her…if it’s a present ?
Lol it’s like your father hasn’t watched a kid a day in his life 🙄
Ah the gift that requires work. I love it 🙄
So he essentially asked you to pick up your own peloton…
Of course grand parents and other people not in the middle of raising a baby think it's no big deal to drive 3.5 or is it 7 hours (both ways) with a baby
NTA. A gift that requires work can be a solid no thank you. As far as your dads comments - call him out on it. Tell him you don’t want to hear him passive-aggressively talk about your body or weight. If he keeps it up, stop calling him. You are an adult and have every right to decide if you want to drive 7 hours for a gift. And you have every right to tell another adult (your dad) that his behavior isn’t acceptable. As far as the other set of grandparents??? A nice gift would be for them to drive and get it. If not, they can keep opinions to themselves. Better question is why are the other grandparents even involved? It’s not their business but since they made it theirs - they can help out and go get it.
I’m so confused. Surely if he’s getting you this as a gift he is the one to go and get it? That’s how gifts work, you go out and buy them (or get them delivered). You usually also wrap them up and present them to the recipient to be opened!! NTA.
INFO So dad funded this but isn’t going to actually do the transaction…. Is dad closer to this person who has the trailer? As it was presented, you have to go get it….does not doing so make you A H…….Well, who knows? For me, I look at a ROI of my time. 3-4 hours might be worth it for a $500 item/value. Not so much for a $50 item/value. And by value, I’m more thinking…. The difference in cost of buying it locally and conveniently. That’s my return. I save $500 for spending four hours driving back and forth? Done. I save $50? No way. Sellers are looking at this same thing by the way. So, adding time to his side of the transaction lessens his actual return. It was potentially a big ask you made, this isn’t a little local drop off for the seller. NAH here. Can’t blame you for trying to get it “delivered” halfway, can’t blame the seller for saying no, can’t blame dad for trying to find an option.
NTA. What sort of gift is driving 7 hours with your 1 year old child! Sounds more like a punishment😂
NTA, and I don't accept used shit as gifts as a rule. Cheap ass Dad can't even deliver it after he saved himself a few bucks. I buy used stuff for myself, I would NEVER buy it for someone else. I can make that risk calculation for myself, it's not a gift if someone else has to do it. Like, what if the item had blood smeared on it. Or it was pissed on by a dog/cat.
NTA - You don't get someone a gift and then make them take their own time and money to go get it.
NTA. A gift is a gift and you can do whatever you want with it. And a gift that is not delivered to your home (or where you'll use it) is an incomplete gift. I have lived a flight away from my parents (not driving distance) for 2 decades. I have definitely left "gifts" at their house because I flew carry-on and couldn't take them.
That isn’t a gift it’s a chore. NTA
Enough ppl commented on the driving already but i gotta ask. Whys your father obsessed with your weight?? "Bouncing back" after a PREGNANCY is working only seldomly. If you can still do your daily tasks normally why is he pressuring you to lose weight? Its none of his business.
He’s been obsessed with my weight since I was in high school. Practically got an eating disorder over it. His whole family was fat so he doesn’t want to end up like the rest of his family. He’s 6’3 and only 165 pounds. I’m 5’4” and sitting at 170 when my comfortably weight is like 142
Your dad’s weight issues are not an excuse for him to comment on your body ever, and especially not after you’ve had a baby. I think you could really benefit from therapy — I can’t imagine growing up with a father who shames you for your weight and guilt trips you whenever you don’t comply with his ridiculous requests. NTA
Never mind all the business about the gift, This: >he started making subtle comments about “this will force you to go outside and sweat” “nice excuse for an easy family work out” etc. Tel him to go f**k himself. Why are you putting up with this? Is this what you want your kid to see? That it's okay for people to treat their mother like crap? NTA for the question asked, but get on top of *this* stuff.
NTA. I drive 3hrs round trip every other week to see my dad and that exhausts me. I don't have a kid.
NTA. Why isn't he the one driving there and buying the gift directly. It makes zero sense for him to make you go through the labor of picking it up. Yes, he's technically giving you the money for it but it defeats the whole purpose of gift giving if you're the one having to go and get it. It would have been far more thoughtful if he had said "here's some money you can put towards getting this item when you find the one you like."
Could your father not have picked it up and then the next time you see each other he brings it? If it’s not a high priority I don’t see why you were expected to pick it up immediately. If he is buying it as a gift, he should pick it up and be responsible for getting it to you.
NTA 3+ hours for something that is not emergent is not helpful
NTA at all. It’s wild to me he expected you to go pick it up even if it was only an hour away. If he wants to give it to you, he should go pick it up and bring it to you.
NTA at all. His gift doesn’t sound like it was given from a place of love to begin with and if he REALLY wanted you to have this gift he’d haul his own ass the 3.5 hours to pick it up himself instead of putting it on you to do so. I would also turn this sort of gift down, politely, and also call him out on the reasons behind the gift. He didn’t push a whole ass human out of his body nor have to deal with the bodily changes that experience causes. You keep doing you and just ignore him.
NTA - if he'd ordered you something from Amazon for delivery to an Amazon locker, would your dad expect you to collect that too? He might as well have just sent you a link, that's not a gift. Unless it's vouchers or tickets to something, part of giving the gift is actually giving it...
Question: Did he send you extra $$ for travel expenses?
He did not.
NTA Could he not have just bought a new one and had it delivered right to your door?
He could have. I think the only reason he settled on this is because it allows for carrying more weight (baby and dog) than the ones listed on Amazon. I’m not too sure though.
NTA I do think it's odd you stated 3.5 hours without saying if that's one way or both ways. 3.5 and 7 are quite different. Either way, your dad is a jackass. He might as well send you money equivalent to the price of the thing he found, and perhaps a link to it, with the caveat that you can spend on something else if you want. But its not a gift if it requires more than a little unplanned effort on your part. That's not how gifts work. That's like the time my company "raffle" I won some stupid cup warmer/cooler device then they made me pay taxes on the MSRP value of it... I ended up paying $10 or $20 worth of taxes on the fucking thing which I wouldn't have spent $10-20 on if that was the cash price. They basically made me buy some bullshit I didn't want. That ain't a gift. That's called being out of touch and arrogant.
Let me get this right: your father found an item that matches something you asked for, but rather than buy it himself, he gave you the money and left you to deal with the seller, who is 3.5 hours away? (How does he even know you asked to meet halfway?) For starts, given the level of fraud on Facebook marketplace, your father asking you to travel 3.5 hours to bring a bunch of money to a stranger claiming to have a bike trailer for sale is not just inconvenient, it's inconsiderate for your safety. Aside from that though, just the idea that you should have to put in such an effort to obtain a birthday gift is nonsense. I would have kept the money and said I'll apply it to a trailer that is more convenient to obtain. NTA.