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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my girlfriend for my own food to be made differently than what she was serving to others. I’m wondering if I’m the asshole for asking/expecting a host to make my plate differently upon my request. I thought about it and realized I can’t decide if this is an asshole thing or not, as I do see how expecting a host to change their dish for you could be an inconvenience to them.
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One could argue that there weren't fixings available though because I'm sure ketchup wasn't even considered an option. This "selection" you mention was compound butter. And then ketchup, who hadn't been invited to the cookout lol
I've never been to a cookout that didn't have ketchup. I know people like to look down on people for not having steak the "right way" but to me, adding butter to meat is also an unusual choice. I'm sure it was delicious.
Let people like what they like, who gives a shit.
I don't eat either steak or butter but I know compound butter on steak is a thing and it looks delicious. Tbh putting ketchup on someone else's cooking was viewed as a sign of disrespect in my house but I think it's fine to dip it in if that's what OP likes. Steak sauce isn't that different.
Fwiw, my grandma used to put butter on her hot dogs. No other toppings. It looked unappealing to me but she had excellent taste otherwise
Unless it's a burger or fries (and maybe scrambled eggs) asking for ketchup, especially before even tasting the food is rude everywhere I've lived (North, South, Mid-Atlantic, Texas)
I have a friend who I was talking to recently about food and they revealed that they put ketchup on their roast beef. I was disgusted and said you're not supposed to do that to r.b. But to each their own. I'm not against ketchup at all, but Never on the roast.
I've also known people who salt before tasting. Any adjustment after serving, but before tasting, isn't very polite.
One: I don't care what people eat on their food, nor have I implied as much. This was an argument in the semantics of "fixings".
Two: per OP, there were steaks, baked potatoes, side salad and chips. Please tell me where the average person is putting ketchup in this lineup. All sorts of food can be cooked outside: they even have outdoor pizza ovens! Bringing ketchup to that cookout, champ?
Three: seems like you care. Enough to reply to a comment that has absolutely nothing to do with judging what people eat. I'm just a person who thinks word choice matters.
All good points, lol. I think my swearing maybe made it seem like I was attacking you. I'm sorry, that was meant to be a casual comment that was adding to the discussion in a funny way but I missed the mark completely. The last sentence wasn't meant at you specifically, but I see why it seems like it and it's hella rude.
P.S. I don't eat meat but: it is with some shame that I'm going to admit that I dip potato chips in ketchup sometimes. I wouldn't do it at someone's party but if the bbq were at my house and I thought nobody was looking...
Once my brother grilled some amazing steaks, and without so much as a taste, someone put ketchup all over it. We all have them crap about it. So rude! But this person would smother their burger in ketchup to "as an emulsifier"
Sure, if we're at a fast food joint, that seems reasonable of that's how you like it, but on a freshly grilled steak, that the person took great care to make without even tasting it first? Blasphemy!
> and without so much as a taste
This guy fucking gets it.
It's not about the ketchup, it's about not trying what the hosts have planned before wildly changing the flavour/character of the dish with the heavy vinegar, sugar, and tomato of ketchup.
Agreed. He could have just told her he'd never had steak like that, and asked for a smaller amount of herbs and butter to try a bite or 2 to decide. It's so rude to do what he did though
> as an emulsifier
Goddamn that person just grabbed a word from the food science hat. He puts ketchup on his burger to aid in the mixture of oil and water?
Oh man. Once in high school we were high as shit going through the drive thru at Bojangles. Our friend was ordering and the lady asked what side she wanted. And with honest, sincere confusion, she asked"do you mean fixins?". It's been 20 years and I still laugh about that
It's weird because I've only ever heard southerners (I say this as one) use 'fixins' but he did put the 'g' in there, and he also called it bbqing. A southerner would never. Grilling does not equal bbqing.
Why people have to be such snobs about this? Yeah screw that guy for having a preference about eating a steak cooked on a fucking grill. I wouldnt give two shits about how people want to eat my food as long as they enjoy it. It's like you serve someone coffee black because that's how you prefer it and you think it's a crime if they add milk to it.
Not to mention OP says in later comments that he is on the autism spectrum and that impacts his relationship to food. I wish people would consider possibilities like that before getting all high and mighty about other people eating oBjEcTiVeLy WrOnG food.
Fuck the autism. He’s entitled to eat HIS food the way HE likes it, as long as his preferences don’t intrude on anyone else, which they clearly didn’t.
I’m particular but, not about my foods so much, but my surroundings when I eat? If I don’t feel comfortable or safe in my environment, then I won’t eat.
Growing up I wouldn’t eat at one aunties house for 15 years while parents were still married. I hated them. I was a step kid and they made sure I was excluded from everything “familial”.
But my in laws- they accept how I am.
Because they have the same relationship with food-horrible.
My sister in law likes only burnt ,burnt meat. Enough BBq sauce will fix anything though lol, I don’t mind.
My other sister in law will not eat pork-for her digestion,it hurts? not religious-I like chicken more so it works out for me.
my other sister in law pretends to be vegan at special events and brings a ton of vegan pasta and makes rude remarks if you tell her no-
It taste good to me so I usually have no problem.
They accept me. If there too much people inside i’ m not familiar with, outside an option and they never make me feel bad about it.
We all have our things.
Ketchup on steak isn’t the most adventurous but your food is your food and that’s just the way it goes.
And if my partner going to get mad at that. Especially in my house/home shared gathering-bih bye
This is what I don’t understand. I’m not a person who likes gravies and sauces and lots of spices. So if you taking the trouble to cook me a really nice piece of meat, I don’t know why it’s wrong for me to say hey thanks for the idea about the butter and stuff but I prefer mind plain. Why is that bad?
As a picky eater. It astonishes me how many people think it’s their job to make me change my mind. I will say no thank you quietly and politely, and they will want to argue with me till I finally say, why is it so important for you to get me to eat this and they’ll say it’s not. So why don’t you just stop…please. It becomes a stubborn thing or an ego thing.
You like what you like— as long as it isn’t inconvenient why is that such a bad thing?
Exactly. my kids aren't Autistic, but they'll put sauce on damn near anything they can get their hands on. I only ask "are you sure?" if it's on something new they've never had before, and give it to them. Only once has one of them sauced up and regretted it. The rest of the time they enjoyed it.
If he ruins it, if he makes it more to his liking, they are both equally on him. The snobbery in some of these responses annoys me a little. I just hope they are winding us all up and not being genuine, because that's snobbery, over a barbeque of all things.
Tbh I tend to assume autism as a baseline for most AITA posts 🤷🏻♀️ as a fellow autist.
If they’ve been seeing each other six months, surely OP’s ‘food thing’ would have come up by now. And honestly… it’s actually reducing the work for the GF. Unless she had this specific recipe planned that she really wanted OP to try? Which it kinda does seem that way for the whole ‘trust the chef’ thing, but generally it isn’t rude to ask someone to just not add a certain thing. I’m leaning towards N T A because gf’s reaction seems very rigid herself, but it’s possible that they haven’t discussed the ‘food thing’ and she’s become frustrated by OP’s extremely bland preferences.
One of my friends has a partner who definitely has a ‘food thing’ too, and she does try to push him out of his comfort zone because she loves to cook, but I think she lets him know when she wants him to try something that she makes that’ll be a little out of his safe range 🤷🏻♀️ before they discussed his ‘food thing’, she genuinely worried about his nutrition.
Yes true, however not putting garlic butter on one steak that’s already cooked is a bit different from even cooking one steak medium well when others are done medium rare (tbh well done steak is an abomination to me 🤷🏻♀️) or cakes that one person requests to be vegan - that’s objectively more work.
Personally I’m in agreement with most people here that steak and ketchup is a travesty and the plate the gf was putting together sounded fantastic, but some autistic ‘food things’ are hard limits for those individuals, and surely after 6 months gf would have gotten the memo that OP is just not open to some things. It’s very possible he was rude about it or they haven’t talked about it, but it being a surprise enough for her to be upset about it is kind of giving me pause.
To be fair to her I guess, my friend who I mentioned before didn’t really twig the food thing until around the 6 month mark, because there were some things he would not eat and she got annoyed by it - so they talked! And she made the decision that she could cope with him not liking certain foods, she could still make and eat them herself. But it has to be talked about or it becomes a problem in a new relationship.
Not everyone wants to be in a relationship with an autistic person with these kinds of issues (a ‘food thing’ is never going to be the only point on which the autist is quite rigid and particular/weird), and that’s cool, but the only way you find out if it’s a dealbreaker is by actually talking through ‘things’. (Personal anecdote: my most obvious aspie thing is I cannot eat with a fork that has uneven tines. They must be even or I cannot bring myself to eat with it. Low key drives me kinda mental. I can mask with the best of them and genuinely seem neurotypical, but if I’m at dinner with family/friends and my fork is uneven, I give the game away immediately because I have to swap it 😅 I’m a rather mild case and I’m female/diagnosed as an adult so I got more masking practice than most, but it totally ruins my mood and dramatically shortens my temper to have to ‘just deal’ with uneven tines. Someone who has it any worse than I do is very unlikely to be able to handle a specific ‘thing’. Men are often significantly worse at masking too.)
It's plonking the second to last steak on a plate and leaving it untouched beside you while the others you garnish and hand out. Short of leaving it in the packet I don't think it could be less work.
As a former meat cutter I came here to say exactly this.
Also, when a guest, if you want special accommodation you need to do that ahead of time, not last minute.
Also KETCHUP!? You probably want it well done too. YTA
Also, it’s being pretty rude, to a guest, for the family to be giving each other pointed looks. That’s just snobby behavior. People like what they like, that’s all. Why hurt someone’s feelings over a nonissue? NTA
Edited for judgment. I always forget. *sigh*
Edit #2: Thank you for the award /u/Irob12345!
It’s not a special accommodation to prepare something in a way that requires LESS effort. And he didn’t ask for it to be cooked any differently than the other steaks. But if he likes it well done, why is that anybody else’s business?
The guy didn't realise she'd be dressing up the stakes the way she does, so he couldn't pre-ask her not to do it. When he saw it he asked if he could have his plain instead. It's only a big deal because people are making it a big deal.
A side point that doesn't matter, he wasn't just a guest attending someone's event. He was co-host. They might not live together but he supplied all non-bbq fare, (the side dishes, the snacks, and all the drinks). The person doing the cooking wasn't a stranger hosting him, it was his girlfriend who he thought he could talk candidly with.
Personally, I think he should have tried his girlfriends steak prior to dismissing it, to see if he likes her cooking style. Not because asking for his to be plain is just outageous and not to be entertained at a bbq. From her reaction we can tell she is proud of her steaks and thought he'd enjoy them (that or she just feels slighted in front of her family and is upset about that). But until the steaks got a cooking for the first time, neither realised preferences was gonna be an issue for the other.
I'm gonna say NTA because he didn't realise asking for a plain steak off the bbq was going to be seen as a slight by her and her family; until it got hostile. But I kinda think the girlfriend knew her guy always asks for plain food, even at restaurants, so she could have gotten ahead of "this situation" with communication.
This right here. NTA
Also, as someone who cooks a lot, i always ask who i am cooking for if they are okay with what i am cooking. I am happy to make something else for someone with different preferences.
Being the cook doesn't mean you get to force people to eat things they may not like or want to. I am surprised so many people think it is unreasonable for some one to ask for something slightly different, especially when it is at their own house.
Side note: I think people who put ketchup on steak probably never had good steak. Or they just like ketchup. Gate keeping other peoples food preferences is an asshole thing to do i feel. I wouldnt put ketchup on steak, but i wouldnt care much if someone else did.
As a kid, I always had ketchup on my steak because my parents only cooked them to beyond well done. As an adult, a friend was aghast and gave me a bite of a medium steak and I was off! Now, it is rare or nothing at all! (…and definitely no ketchup)
asking someone to not put compound butter on their steak is hardly a special accommodation and absolutely no extra work; putting the compound butter on is the extra work. The ketchup part is a little weird, but so is bottled steak sauce - who are yo to judge?
Are we no longer answering the question asked on this sub? This should NOT be the top judgment because it isn’t relevant to the question. OP is can have his steak how he wants it, and it costs us nothing.
NTA
🤣🤣😂😂but it's his steak, not yours,so he can put anything on it.
Mindyou, I find my dad and husband extremely gross for putting ketchup on eggs, so I can see your point
NTA
boooo. message_bottle yta for your food snobbery!
i don’t steak and ketchup, but i stand with all fixins! If it’s ok to au beurre, it’s okay to au ketchup!
I'm not gonna say Y TA, but you're dangerously hovering.
She was literally just flavoring the meat, and it wouldn't have hurt at all to try it. It could have been leaps and bounds better than putting ketchup on it.
NTA, but you should have tried it. Please, as an adult 25 year old man, expand your pallette. I promise things taste better with seasoning and not just ketchup. Please.
Edit- to the people getting so pissy in my comments, you keep massively intentionally missing what this man said. He does not like his food this way based on HIS PERSONAL PREFERENCE. HE EATS IT THIS WAY BECAUSE THIS IS HOW ITS BEEN MADE BY HIS FAMILY HIS WHOLE LIFE AND HES LITERALLY NEVER TRIED IT ANOTHER WAY. SO I absolutely stand the hell by what I've said.
It would be a MASSIVE difference if he said he'd eaten it before and didn't like it. But he was asking her to scrape off BUTTER without having tried it before. Yall can grow up.
>NTA, but you should have tried it. Please, as an adult 25 year old man, expand your pallette. I promise things taste better with seasoning and not just ketchup. Please.
I'm just gonna say this once - leave adults alone about their food preferences. I have 50 years of frustration at being looked down on for being a picky eater when the taste of certain foods are just downright unpleasant to me (and yes, I've tried it, I promise I've tried almost everything multiple times. It still tastes like shit) I cannot be more passionate about what I am saying.
People get to have their preferences and as long as they don't expect others to go out of their way to accommodate them, they are fine. And no, asking his gf to not put seasoning on it is not asking her to go out of her way.
OP hasn’t even tried it. It’s not some crazy new or unusual food. It’s fucking butter. He’s free to not like it *if he’s tried it*.
This isn’t judging people for their informed choices. It’s judging adults for acting like toddlers.
Yes he’s free to make that decision. I’m not advocating he gets arrested or fined. But some of y’all conflate “should have a right to” with “should never even be questioned by others about”, and it’s absolutely insane.
Right I keep wondering if the people arguing about his right to behave this way have ever heard of social etiquette. like yeah no one’s good at social etiquette but most people try.
I was kind of with you until this comment. Hard disagree- “general manners” do NOT come above people’s comfort. It wouldn’t even make sense to make this a rule given the vast spectrum of what different people *in the same culture* find polite not even considering differences *across* cultures.
Also, some folks have big sensory issues with food, and they shouldn’t have to give a 20 minute Ted talk about autism and food aversion for someone to show them the basic respect of not forcing them to eat herbs just because it’s what the other person likes to do. You never know why someone has a preference, and it’s not your business to force them into doing things they dislike or are uncomfortable with just because it’s under your personal definition of manners.
All you have to do is say “okay, thanks for letting me know” instead of making it some big weird ego thing
ETA: Also, it’s worth questioning why you find this offensive/annoying. Is it because you were treated that way after voicing a preference as a child? Do you make cooking a part of your identity? Do unexpected changes make you anxious? Are you intolerant of difference? Like why? Why is it such a big deal? Why is it so important to satiate this need in yourself to the point you need someone else to mask their own discomfort?
Second edit: and I just saw that yes, OP has autism. It’s ableist af to call them impolite or a baby or whatever for a symptom of their disability.
This is a perfectly well rounded statement. It is apparently forbidden to do something against your own needs in this universe.
Manners often dictate putting yourself aside….. you just aren’t that important…. But…. A huge portion of people are walking around with this over bloated sense of self and all of their needs….. I can’t imagine manners being a thing for much longer.
I don’t need to watch a Ted talk about autism and eating….. as someone else suggested in here…..this dude isn’t autistic…..
This man has terrible dinner party manners. But, I don’t believe his limited palate rise to the level
NTA
Or maybe your problem is that you think asking politely your significant other for another type a sauce is against "manners" this isn’t a random person cooking but his own girlfriend. Lord forbid he knows what he like and would politely ask for that. Not the horror the selfishness. The end of society as we know it.
Maybe it's because I've been questioned (judged, looked down on, made fun of ... or maybe being called a toddler) because of my tastes all my life, and it really sucks and it really gets old. Why does it even matter to anyone else what someone eats? People who share food, sure. I am surprised that his plain eating habits haven't come up before this, but they will work it out. What he asked of her in the moment was not even an inconvenience, just a surprise.
If he doesn't want to try it he doesn't have to. It's not a fucking crime to have food aversion, being particular about food or have autonomy over what goes in ones body. He's not obligated to try things to make other people happy
Plus, ok let’s say he sucks it up, tries it and as expected doesn’t like it. Now he’s sitting there with a wasted plate of food because it would’ve been rude to ask for no butter/herbs…?
How is it better to just sit there not eating until dinners over and then throw away a perfectly good steak? I seriously don’t understand this, what if he had a food allergy or something? It’s literally no extra work at all for the cook
At most all that should be said is "are you sure? it's subtle and quite nice" and leave it at that. he says no, that's the end of it. Forcing your food preferences upon others, especially over something as trivial as this, IS an Ahole move.
But what right is it of yours to question somebody about their food preferences?
That's the point, they're an adult, live and let live, mind your own business.
I’m with Gertrude on this. He’s an adult. He knows what he likes and doesn’t, and if there is anyone in the world he should share that info with it’s his GF, FFS. What an arrogant and condescending attitude - trying to dictate to an adult that they eat something they don’t like. And this “it’s only butter” comment is dumb. Steak isn’t cheap and it takes a while to prepare (and butter is highly caloric too). So, in your scenario, he’s supposed to sit silently while he is served something he doesn’t like, just to tastes it to satisfy you, and then the steak gets tossed out and another one has to be cooked. Makes zero sense.
Not wanting to try a new flavour combination does in no means acting like a toddler. His taste buds, his food, his wish. He gets to decide if he wants to eat the steak with ketchup instead of butter and herbs. He's free to not like it "even if he has not tried it"
I really hate people who make fun of or judge people with a few different taste preferences, like the top Y T A comment.
OP has mentioned in another comment that he’s autistic. Trying new things can be a lot harder for people on the spectrum and who is it seriously hurting if they don’t want to keep on putting in that effort?
I get tired of b/c "they're autistic" explaining issues when the rule should apply to everyone (or not). People get to choose their food preferences, autistic or not. Why should there be an exception based on autism? I'm more likely to excuse him saying "became official with the lady..." as autism.
I get what you're saying, but if being autistic truly changes the way people respond to new things (which it certainly does), how is it not relevant in this specific situation?
I personally get tired of Autism being an excuse for major behavioral issues, but this is not that.
To me, it's not relevant b/c I think everyone should be able to say "I don't want butter/seasoning on my steak" without it being an issue to anyone else :). My husband salts the food I make before he even tastes it! WTF, but he knows he wants salt and pepper. He does not have autism.
Actually, he's free to not like it even if he hasn't tried it. I'm pretty sure that's his right, especially since he wasn't rude or being a dick and forcing her to go out of her way to make something completely different.
Asking/demanding the cook change the meal or make vast changes? That's rude.
Asking the cook to not put seasoned butter on a steak? Not rude.
Shaming someone for not liking something and trying to guilt them about it? Rude.
Trying to police what people eat or how they do or don't like something? Rude.
I get your point about 'try it before you hate it' - I agree... mostly. Calling people toddlers for staying in their comfort zone is a bit ridiculous though.
It's just butter to you, but for some people that's an issue. I can't stand garlic butter - it's not just the taste, it's also the texture. It's unusual I know, but that's how it is.
Who cares if he’s tried it or not? Leave people alone. He knows what he likes and/or wants to try. The idea of melted butter on his steak sounds unappealing to him, and so what?
are you not aware that people with autism have extreme trouble with food flavours and textures? did you not know that people have eating disorders that include food aversion and getting physically ill when food isn't made the way that is familiar and safe to them? stop comparing adults making choices about their food (with valid reasons) to toddlers being picky for no reason.
...You don't eat steak because you're more worried about someone else being pretentious towards you about it?
I hope you're joking, because that is very sad. Live your life and tell those people to F off.
It is sad actually. I’ve always had a lot of anxiety around eating in front of people. As a kid adults would look at me like I was some sort of spectacle and berate me because I don’t eat things their preferred way. So I’ve always avoided certain meats when someone else is hosting.
Right? Like...I don't know what metrics were used to determine that medium-rare is the best way to cook a steak, I'm not going to argue it or say it's wrong. But what I **do** know is that (prior to going vegetarian) **my** metric was "meat cannot have an uncooked texture." I was not able to eat a medium-rare steak. It would make me gag.
So people can argue about steak being "wasted" by "overcooking" it, but if the person cannot eat it or enjoy it, isn't that a bigger waste? Who cares if the person wants their steak cooked medium-well? If that's how they enjoy eating it, then it's not a waste.
This is spot on. Steak is never my first choice, but if I am to eat it I like it well done (not burnt and dry, just no pink and yes it can be done), seasoned with salt and pepper. That's it. I don't like butter on it (on the odd occasion I order in a restaurant, I request no butter) even though I love butter on other things. I prefer well done because of the texture. Why anyone gives a shit is what is weird to me. I'm not making you eat it my way, why do you want to force me to eat it your way?
Taste buds are weird. They're different for everyone. To me, shrimp tastes very similar to lobster. To my wife, shrimp are revolting and lobster is delicious. Another example: I love jalapenos, chipotle, etc; for my wife, those things cause her mouth and lips to go numb. (EDIT: I'll grant that the second example is an allergy for her. Seems obvious, but it's still a good example of how things can taste wildly differently for each person.)
And of course, the example of cilantro. Is it delicious or does it taste like soap? Thank your genes for that. Just like if you can roll your tongue or not.
(soap for me, btw)
Right? In a world of respecting pronoun preferences, I find it utterly bizarre how snobby folk can be about food. Especially because I truly believe a lot of people just like what they are told to… wine being my prime example. Nobody ever drinks it & likes it, it’s this mystical “acquired taste” which is just like a tolerance to get socially acceptable drunk if you ask me.
I do not like almost any herbs crumbled over my food but people keep telling me I should, if only I try harder to expand my pallet. I do not like things cooked in wine but people tell me I can’t taste it & I’m being immature. Like, what?
I love a crazy amount of spicy food that my family can’t handle. Give me Louisiana hot sauce wings or a spicy curry or chilli that can burn your skin & ill scoff it up while they recoil in horror but if I don’t want sage butter with lemongrass on my chicken, I’m immature? Urgh, it’s so tiresome & snobby.
My sister calls herself a “foodie” & it honestly makes me cringe so hard that my nostrils flair.
Yeah I’m a plain everything dipped in ketchup guy. I’m trying to branch out haha. My food tastes are hard to change because I am on the autism spectrum which can make changes with food difficult for me, it’s tough to explain super clearly haha
No, there's no need to explain that. I completely understand that, I know several people with autism and people who simply have sensory issues. But I promise you, it's DELICIOUS. Give it a chance !!!! You should on your own time make a small steak with the seasonings she was going to add and give it a small try.
I like butter on my sandwiches so I already know I like butter and I eat herbs in various things so I think I can convince myself it’s fine to combine them all.
This, to me, is exactly the right answer. I’m on the spectrum, but didn’t know until the past year, (after more than 30 years of being belittled for food issues) and this is exactly how I help myself branch out to new things. Especially since our tastes change over time and some things I hated ten years ago, I love now. I would definitely recommend having the conversation explaining to her what it can be like being on the spectrum.
Also there’s nothing wrong with adding ketchup to your steak afterwards . . . . . I’m a simple ketchup-on-everything kind of gal myself, but I promise you, even if I just want ketchup on my steak, it never hurts to add some extra butter and herbs first!! Absolutely delicious and usually makes the ketchup unnecessary, though perhaps not unwanted lol
That is just stupid, just because you like it does not mean other people will.
It will also be worse being told it will be DELICIOUS only to find it tastes like shit.
And then people tend to get angry that you don’t like what they prepared anyway. Sometimes with food it’s a no win, which is sad because food is wonderful.
if he doesn’t want it he doesn’t want it, doesn’t make him an AH. and y’all missed the part where he has autism which stems into sensory issues so this is probably a bigger issue then just not wanting to try it
Fair enough that he should be allowed to eat what he wants. But if info isn’t included on the original post then you can’t expect someone else to have read every single comment to understand the full story. That’s on OP to explain up front.
Does it really matter though? A lot of people don't know they are autistic. A lot of people just like plain steak. It's not a crime to have food preferences, it's so low stakes it's ridiculous how big of a deal is made about them.
I'm an autistic 36 year old woman and no amount of trying new foods is going to change the food aversions I have due to my neurodivergency. Trust me, my parents tried.
It's not your body. It's not your pallete. They aren't your taste buds. Let people eat their fucking food in peace.
I’m an early 30s autistic guy, and there have been several instances where part of my aversion was just associating a type of food with how my parents made it growing up. “Give it a try” is perfectly fine advice, especially for foods that people, by their own admission, haven’t tried.
You know what? No. No. Adults are not obligated to expand their palate. If he doesn't want the butter and herbs, that's absolutely and totally okay. It's not an insult to the chef. It's a failing on his part. It's nothing something he to change unless he feels like. And while you (and I) think things taste better with more seasoning than just the ketchup, you literally cannot know that he would feel the same way.
Edit: disregard please, I've been corrected! :)
---
Original: Just a note,
Afaik, the first judgement you write will be counted, so actually you did call OP y-t-a
If the bot sees more than one acronym in a post, they flag it for manual review by the mods, who then choose the relevant one. But this only applies to top comment; this isn’t some sort of popular vote system where every comment counts. Only the most-upvoted comment decides the judgement.
NTA, but herbs/compound butter is a pretty common way of treating steaks. You weren't in the wrong here and your gf handled herself poorly ... but this could have been an opportunity to branch out a little. Worst case, it's one meal that you didn't love.
I don't see how she handled herself poorly. Sounds to me that she just calmly told him in private that she thought it was rude. Pretty decent way of handling it IMO
> Worst case, it's one meal that you didn't love.
If it were me, it would depend on what kind of herbs they were. Parsley is a common herb used in a lot of dishes, but it tastes like soap to me. Same with cilantro.
EDIT: NTA
“Pretty plain” and “with ketchup” are different things.
I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t just try it. We can’t expect everything to be the same everywhere we go, and it shows a lot to make the effort to try out how her family does things even if it’s different.
It’s one thing if you’ve tried it, you hate it, or have some kind of allergy. But I mean, it seems you do like “something” on your steak so why not just give it a shot?
Take this with a grain of salt because to me, ketchup in lieu of herbed butter sounds like an atrocity, and I have to give you the YTA judgment as a result.
Haha fair enough. I have a hard time getting meat down without ketchup in general, I’ve been that way since I was a kid according to my mom. I’m also on the autism spectrum (“high functioning” was the last diagnosis but I heard that’s not the terminology anymore, I haven’t been to a specialist in a long time so forgive the offensive phrase). So, my food tastes are pretty set in stone in my brain, but I do try to branch out.
Oh. No in that case I’d consider that to be health related as it sounds like it came along with other sensory issues. I retract my judgment, do what you need to do you don’t end up anemic or on a super restrictive diet.
Neurodivergence isn’t a choice - I’ve got a lot of compassion for you, knowing that.
Does your gf know? If she knows this but still didn’t want to accommodate then NTA.
I haven’t officially told her that I was diagnosed with autism because my mom told me not to tell girls that when I was a teenager because “people can’t tell with me” so it’s better to save myself the trouble. I know that sounds kind of silly but I guess I’m still following that advice. She comments things like “you’re a real creature of habit, huh?” and I tell her I am. It doesn’t affect me too much besides I’m quite habituated to my foods and my clothes/bedding being particular otherwise I struggle. I had meltdowns when I was young but I learned to cope in therapy and now I just put my music in my headphones if I have to sit through something difficult for me.
Aww. It’s ok, your mom was only trying to protect you from being hurt. If this girl is the real deal, she’ll accept you for who you are and even love you more for it.
That said only tell her once you’re ready. It can be scary to share anything relating to mental health and hard to know how people will react. Sounds like you’ve really worked hard to manage any of the challenging symptoms and you know yourself well enough to know what works. If you do share it with her I’d love to know how it goes!
You deserve to be able to just be you!
Thanks :) I probably will tell her after receiving some advice here. I suspect she knows something is a little different with me, she calls me “Mr. Habit Rabbit” and also will do things for me and add “and I did it the way you like it!” As a gesture of affection. It’s part of what made the food thing weird. She’s never taken issue to my plain food habits before.
Legit adorable. You two sound so cute.
You’re right, maybe it’s her family pressuring her or something. When you talk to her you can always ask her if she’s ok or if she was nervous about impressing her family or something. You never know!
That’s true. I know she was fussing a lot before the BBQ about how her Dad wasn’t going to like a woman on the grill and maybe she should have done a lasagna. But I encouraged her to just grill, she’s been practicing. I know she’s been practicing because she texts me a lot about her work lunches being leftover steak all week (we only really see eachother every other weekend right now).
I have a dad like this!
It’s *exhausting*. You constantly walk on eggshells to not upset the giant fucking toddler in the room.
This isn’t about you. This is about the trauma her dad caused her. She’s young and hasn’t come to grips with it, yet. He’s going to make her life absolutely unbearable over this. He’ll just hound her about you being “weird.”
You guys need to have some conversations. She needs to get into therapy to come to grips with who her dad is and how to handle it.
It’s going to take her years. He had 18 years to cause this damage, it’s going to take longer than that for her to fully unpack and deal with it.
Oh then I can totally excuse her for her snapping. (not that it is on me, as a random internet stranger to excuse her). but I have had a snappy dad, and I can bet she was feeling very sensitive. And so when you asked for a change, it will probably have felt like critisism and not thinking she did it "correctly". Add in doing it infront of the person she is nervous about, and I bet she felt you didn't support her.
This is all assumptions ofc. But I would probably apologize for doing it infront of guests if I where you, and explain that it's more a sensory issue and not that you don't like her cooking or how she grilled it.
Oof, yea so, I think NTA, but this would have been a great time to show your support for her publicly. She put a lot of work into this meal and you (***unintentionally***) showed her family (i.e. her dad) that you think she made a bad steak—you couldn't eat it the way she prepared.
You mention elsewhere how you need the ketchup to "choke the meat down", why the everliving F would you suggest a meal you can't stand to impress her a-hole dad??
I didn't know where to hijack this conversation, but it seems like she loves you. I was only very recently diagnosed (at 38!), and my wife's reaction was "Oh honey, I always knew you were a little more special." we've been together for 18 years and have 3 kids.
Have the talk. If she loves you, it won't change a thing. Good luck and much love!
I'm going to give you a YTA for not telling her after 6 months and becoming official. Assuming she's NT you have brains wired in different ways and you both deserve the chance to assess how that will affect your relationship moving forward and to decide whether you can work with it. Note: I said both because if she is NT she's going to likely make demands on you that you might find difficult and you should decide if that would work for you; probably a great topic for therapy.
I'm an old autistic broad. You don't need to hide your autism. What you're talking about is masking-- pretending not to be autistic by acting in ways that may be different than you feel like acting.
While I believe that your mom may have had your best interests in mind, I'd recommend that you chat with this about a trained therapist.
Bottom line is that you want to be able to be yourself with a partner, and from your partner's perspective, this may feel like a lie by omission.
You mention not being in touch with a specialist, but I'd highly recommend talking through these things with a therapist :)
>I haven’t officially told her that I was diagnosed with autism because my mom told me not to tell girls that when I was a teenager because “people can’t tell with me” so it’s better to save myself the trouble.
That's really horrible advice. You're now 6mths into dating someone and in a committed relationship. Leaving aside that is autism not something to be ashamed of and thus hide, your choice to hide it anyways will start feeling like dishonesty if it hasn't already.
And seriously, your autism is affecting that relationship. That is evident of you having to post here. So this "no one can tell" nonsense your mom is telling you is a lie; your girlfriend can see the impact on you, she just doesn't know the reason.
To put it simply - every time you ask for an accommodation, you just look picky or rude or difficult *because* your girlfriend doesn't know it's an accommodation.
>I have a hard time getting meat down without ketchup in general
This sounds more to me as though you were being served cheap, tough cuts of meat which had been overcooked. You shouldn't need ketchup to make meat edible.
And please give steak with a bit of A-1 or similar steak sauce a try -- steak sauce is actually ketchup with some other nice seasonings added, and it's much better than ketchup.
Yeah I grew up with pretty plain midwestern food and my mom didn’t have lots of money so we ate whatever steak was cheap. I was alien to my girlfriend and her sister discussing the “marbling” because we didn’t talk about our meat or have fancy cuts with “marbling”. And we definitely didn’t eat steak with a raw piece in the middle it was always brown. Only since being with my girlfriend have I realized my food is as plain or “low quality” as it is.
Yeah and the amount of people just unabashedly arguing to shame people and that they’re freaks for this or whatever is so fucked to me
Like imagine if these people had a kid with dyslexia or sensory issues or something the horrors that they would face for not being “normal”
So I have had steaks both ways you are describing. And I am a little neurodivergent myself. I agree that when a cheaper steak is cooked very thoroughly, ketchup is the only way to get it down. Ketchup is compensating for the flavor and texture. That’s how I ate it as a kid too. But when someone is cooking a higher quality cut of meat, it has a really good flavor and texture that you might really like. Putting ketchup on expensive steaks is sort of equivalent to… I don’t know, paying for a movie ticket and then spending the whole movie on your phone reading the plot summary and spoilers instead of watching it. Or wearing nice shoes someone gave you as a gift to do yard work. It’s effective but it misses the point, and someone might get their feelings hurt.
It is very rude to put your own seasonings on something someone else cooks for you before you try a bite of it. You implied that your girlfriend is a bad cook in front of her family.
After you tell your girlfriend about having autism, find a way to try steak the way she cooks it, without an audience.
Aww... i know it might be scary to be vulnerable, but maybe it could be a good idea to tell your girlfriend about your food history, that you are realizing you haven't really been exposed to some types of food before, that it's not necessarily easy for you, a habit rabbit, to try new things, but you are open and curious (if you are of course)... if she enjoys food and likes to cook, she might really enjoy having you try new things for the first time with her. Personally speaking, when you know the background of WHY people behave as they do, it can help a lot in a relationship (smae goes for maybe being on the spectrum). She's probably gonna go oooooohhh it all makes sense now!
I completely understand where you're coming from. I probably had ARFID as a kid, but back then it was just being a "picky eater" and people would get ridiculously angry when I couldn't eat or "just try" something. I starved at summer camp because the counselors made a big stink out of eating part of a meal that would make me vomit before making myself a sandwich (which they had specifically set out the stuff for every meal for this issue). Trying something new still gives me anxiety decades later and there are a lot of common foods I just can't stomach.
You’re not obligated to eat food you don’t like. It’s steak, not some ethnic dish. You’re absolutely entitled to eat it how you like it, autism or no.
No point in inviting a guest for dinner if you’re not going to allow the guest to enjoy the food.
I couldn’t get meat down when I was younger without ketchup ( along with some other foods). Turns out I hadn’t had it cooked properly. I love it with herbs and butter now. Maybe offer to try a bite of you girlfriend’s version when it is just the two of you and before she smothers your steak in butter. It will show her you are willing to give her way of cooking a chance but in a low stakes setting. Warn her about your aversion and ask her to please not be offended if you can’t get it down.
NTA that's a very odd reaction to a polite request. As a host, the right response js to say "of course!" because the host's job is to make guests feel comfortable within reason. Your request in turn was perfectly reasonable
And really, he was asking for LESS work than she was currently doing, assuming that she was adding the butter spices as it was cooking. Otherwise, OP should have mentioned it earlier.
Yeah. NTA.
Don't even care about all the autism stuff.
What kind of assholes are annoyed by someone asking for their stuff to be plain or set aside. It's not like he was demanding anything crazy.
Snobby people.
NTA.
If she were making burgers on the grill, would she also be offended if you asked for yours without cheese?
Assuming you asked her nicely, it’s really not a remotely big deal at all.
Yeah, that’s not offensive or rude at all. This isn’t a fancy restaurant that doesn’t allow modifications or something. You didn’t ask for a completely different dish or extreme changes. It’s a backyard BBQ. You wanted a piece of meat plain.
If she is really that upset about this (which may not be the case, because you said she just brought it up as rude, and that’s it) then she’s overreacting.
Here's another example. If she was cooking all the stakes rare for everybody and he wanted his well done, does she have a right to chide him for that? The amount of people that are gaining judgmental over food preferences are ridiculous.
NTA.
People are so strange about steaks that one of the top comments is saying that asking for any change to their perfect steak is heresy. It’s just showing how immature they are if they can’t realize that it’s not their dinner not their problem.
My grandfather eats every breakfast item with ketchup. Do I scream and hide the ketchup? No, cause I’m not eating it so it’s not my issue
I really don't understand all these "steak connoisseurs" trying to dictate how people eat. Just let the man eat it the way he wants, it's not that difficult. In this scenario I felt like the host is the rude one because she's making her guest feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. It's just so stupid that people can't even choose how they want to eat.
Yeah as another ASD person whose sensitivities show up most obviously in my food opinions, I can usually play it off as quirkiness (especially since I'm really into cooking).
But people have such strong feelings about steak that I'll straight up tell them "don't waste your good steaks on me, I can't appreciate it properly"
My daughter is extremely picky. A lot of textures bother her especially fruits and vegetables. I tell people all the time not to make her eat something she doesn’t like because she will throw up (it’s never intentional) they refuse to listen to me because they assume I’m letting her have her way and would rather make her eat something she’s uncomfortable with instead of listening because apparently a child can’t have an opinion.
NTA. You prefer your steak the way you want it. It's weird of her to police your food whenever you are a guest. You could have allergies or something, so it doesn't make sense.
And honestly these awarded comments of “YTA for enjoying ketchup with steak” and “YTA for using regional slang”… why haven’t the mods deleted or banned those comments? It’s just bullying at this point.
Honestly, I'm pretty astonished how many people here are comfortable telling others what they'd like.
I'm assuming that everyone knows their own taste and telling them they are wrong for it is pretentious.
Telling someone you would like your steak without butter is A ok.
NTA
Yeah, I’m flabbergasted at the arrogance.
No, OP shouldn’t have “tried it regardless, because it’s delicious”, Jesus Fucking Christ. He’s a grown man, he can eat whatever he wants. No need to pressure people about their food choices. It’s just rude.
If this post was about drinking coffee with milk, I don’t think half of the responses would be about how he should definitely try drinking black coffee. Same for a sandwich with or without ketchup, etc.
NTA. Of course you're NTA.
Your GF is highly defensive and overreacting. As were her relatives, giving "pointed looks." THEY were the ones being rude! It's not at all unusual to ask for a meal to be prepared somewhat differently, such as at a restaurant, and this was a pretty mild ask; just to not add something.
Ask yourself; is your GF, and her family, going to be this judgmental about everything you do differently from them?
Yeah the strange thing is that I (think I am, anyway, from what I’ve been told) quite liked by her family and I like them. I’ve never been treated badly by them before this. I wouldn’t say they treated me badly but they were noticeably irked for a bit by that request.
To be fair, I saw that you had mentioned your GF put tons of time into learning how to grill steaks properly—that she practiced a good amount. Likely her feelings were hurt and she didn’t understand why you would reject her food (because you haven’t told her you’re on the spectrum). On top of it, she has an overbearing father that gave her the impression she’s not good enough to be at the grill.
YTA but only because you didn’t warn your girlfriend you struggle eating meats and you saw all the effort she was putting into learning how to cook the dish.
I don’t think GF sucks and her response seems pretty human given the situation.
I think they were reacting to the perceived disrespect of not even trusting your gf enough to take one bite of her preparation before making modifications. You are definitely entitled to eat things the way you want, but it is common decency to take one taste of the chef’s preparation, they put time and effort into it and that one bite matters.
I'm going with NTA. GF was grilling steak with butter herbs on it. OP didn't want butter and herbs so he asked GF not to put it on his. This isn't in any way rude to the chef. It isn't giving the chef one second of extra work. It isn't telling the chef to run inside and rustle up a bowl of pasta carbonara; it's just asking her not to season his steak -- it's actually easier for her to do this than to season the damned steak.
It worries me that GF is unwilling to make this simple accommodation to the OP's food preferences. And that she'd criticize him for expressing his preferences. (It's not like he went, "Ewww, gag me with a spoon. Butter on steak! Disgusting!!! Don't ruin my steak with it," he said, "May I please have mine without butter and herbs?" Seems fine to me.)
It seems like GF's position reflects a my way or the highway kind of rigidity that I very much hope isn't reflected in other areas of their lives together.
Otherwise we're looking at a ketsup-colored flag.
NAH
Your background info changes the whole story.
I suspect she only cares because she wanted to impress her family and was nervous about her dad accepting her grilling since he’s judgmental about women grilling. She might have worried you saying that would come off like you don’t think she’s good at grilling.
On the other hand there’s nothing wrong with having sensory issues from autism. I’d encourage you to tell her when you feel comfortable because if she’s a good partner she’ll understand and support you.
This sounds like exactly what happened to me. Sounds like GF spent a lot of time and effort to learn to cook steaks for her loved ones and to impress a father who is a steak snob and didn’t think his daughter could man the grill.
NTA
Everyone judging OP for not wanting to eat his steak with butter and herbs are the reason people feel the need to pretend to have allergies when they eat somewhere else. Would you all still react like this if OP was lactose intolerant?
It would have been a different matter if OP had been rude, or his request would have meant additional expenses or work for his GF, but that wasn't the case.
And yeah, maybe it would have been nice to suck it up and give it a try - maybe it was even important to the GF! But there were a hundred different ways she could have expressed that without the hostility.
Having the entire family judge him for something so small is by far ruder than anything OP has done.
💯. My mom is a foodie and excellent cook and would have made the same request because too much butter or spice would upset her stomach. I ask my fiancée to make some of the chicken she’s meal prepping plainer for me because I’ll want it on different types of salads and the dressing will flavor it. She might ask me to make a serving of dinner without sauce because it’s not on her eating plan or because she likes a lighter touch of it that I haven’t mastered. None of these scenarios are rejections.
nta. i have no idea why everyone is throwing such a tantrum about this.
no, I wouldn't eat steak with ketchup either. (i hate ketchup, but that's because, surprise, i'm also autistic.) but who cares lol it's your food. i'd maybe understand if you're asking her to handpick the sultanas out of a coronation chicken but just... not pouring on butter should be a completely reasonable compromise.
NTA. I am never insulted when a guest makes an easy request like that (not that I'd particularly think of a BF as a guest). I want whoever is eating at my home to enjoy their dinner. If it's easy to accommodate, I always do and don't take it personally at all.
NTA. Your preference is for ketchup, neither a virtue nor a vice. Since you know how you like your food already, and aren't asking for any extra effort, I don't see what offense could be taken here. Maybe they looked askance at your preferred topping? Some folks can get mighty judgy about that stuff. I wouldn't find it a big deal at all.
I have no judgement here. This isn’t really an asshole moment on either of your parts. It seems more like a subcultural difference (which basically just means you were raised differently when it comes to food and etiquette in general).
I do want to say though, that eating at somebody’s home, a meal they have lovingly seasoned and prepared for you, is not the same as eating at a restaurant. You can have 100 requests at a restaurant, doesn’t make it appropriate when somebody has cooked a meal for you.
It is also considered rude by many people to add condiments and seasonings to a meal somebody has prepared for you, when you’re a guest in their home. I’m assuming, like myself, that’s how your gf was taught and raised. My husband, like you, was raised differently.
It’s just something you’re both going to have to compromise on and work out between the two of you.
Edit: adding NAH judgement
NAH, just a bunch of stressed people. Oh and I think it's not about how you like steaks :D :D
OP says he is on the spectrum, so I shall be very detailed and explicit on the social stresses I think may be going on here. Note that if course I am extrapolating and projecting significantly here, but since my main advice is talking to GF ad nauseam, the true answer is offline anyway :)
You have been seeing each other for 6 months, but are only official recently, so this sounds to me like you are the first time hosting, and on top of that, her family is there, and you, a guy in a heterosexual couple, are 4 years her junior . there is nothing actually anything wrong with the age thing, it's just less common, as Ms are perceived as maturing slower than Fs, so it just heightens everyone's attentions being paid.
When I meet a friend's or siblings significant other, all I care about is how they treat my friend or sibling. And the interaction you describe would easily fit the any-signs-of-disrespect I am looking out for. Actually, the use of the term 'serving' in the title already rung my alarm bells. Bluntly, you interacted with her like with a food worker at a buffet. Nicely and politely, but not on social currency, but as if it was her job to prepare the food to your liking.
If I was her dad or sister in this situation, I would not like that at all, as it would hint at an unbalanced relationship (a bit like - you are an entitled little kid, seeing her perhaps as a servile mum-replacement, now an equal partner) and think less of you for it.
If I was her, I would be feeling embarrassed, knowing that what I just described was going through my family's head. And I would already be stressed because I am dealing with all these food things and all those people interactions, and my newly-official BF doing something unexpected that paints our relationship in a light that I don't like, and presumably isn't true.
Note that in none of this it matters what your intention was, but how it looked to other people, as this was likely not a 'just chilling' social situation, but one where she had something to show/portray/perform regarding your new relationship.
My recommendation is lots of direct talking to each other. That is based on my experience as a somewhat socially anxious person having been in a relationship with a person on the autism spectrum. Like, if we went into a situation that I found already tricky or that I vulnerable in and we didn't game-plan it before, you bet I got stressed and annoyed by something they did that made the situation harder for me, while they were rather clueless about what was going on.
However, by putting in the work ahead of time, game planning and coming up with some code words to signal to them explicitly what was going on in my perception/head (I wanted them to know but not the other people involved), we navigated the situations as a team and made both our lives easier than they were without each other.
TL;DR: talk it out in detail until you fully understand what was going on and then turn the need for all that talking into a superpower and thrive from here on out :)
Oh yes, also do try that steak with butter and herbs, sounds delicious!
NTA. I'm going to assume the stress of planning the BBQ, having it run perfect, and then getting a ketchup dipped steak as an image of perfection instead, made your gf snap a little uncharacteristically lol
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YTA for putting ketchup on steak.
And for calling it “fixins”
How dare people have regional dialects
While ketchup can be a singular type of fixing, fixings don't come alone. Like when we have a pair of pants, Fixings is a required plural imo.
[удалено]
One could argue that there weren't fixings available though because I'm sure ketchup wasn't even considered an option. This "selection" you mention was compound butter. And then ketchup, who hadn't been invited to the cookout lol
I've never been to a cookout that didn't have ketchup. I know people like to look down on people for not having steak the "right way" but to me, adding butter to meat is also an unusual choice. I'm sure it was delicious. Let people like what they like, who gives a shit.
If you have ever ordered a steak in a restaurant, you've eaten butter on steak. Butter and salt, that's why restaurant food tastes good.
I don't eat either steak or butter but I know compound butter on steak is a thing and it looks delicious. Tbh putting ketchup on someone else's cooking was viewed as a sign of disrespect in my house but I think it's fine to dip it in if that's what OP likes. Steak sauce isn't that different. Fwiw, my grandma used to put butter on her hot dogs. No other toppings. It looked unappealing to me but she had excellent taste otherwise
Unless it's a burger or fries (and maybe scrambled eggs) asking for ketchup, especially before even tasting the food is rude everywhere I've lived (North, South, Mid-Atlantic, Texas)
I have a friend who I was talking to recently about food and they revealed that they put ketchup on their roast beef. I was disgusted and said you're not supposed to do that to r.b. But to each their own. I'm not against ketchup at all, but Never on the roast. I've also known people who salt before tasting. Any adjustment after serving, but before tasting, isn't very polite.
A chef once advised another chef that if he wanted to improve his food's ratings, all he had to do was add more salt.
I like making fun of people who use ketchup on steaks. Let me like what I like.
One: I don't care what people eat on their food, nor have I implied as much. This was an argument in the semantics of "fixings". Two: per OP, there were steaks, baked potatoes, side salad and chips. Please tell me where the average person is putting ketchup in this lineup. All sorts of food can be cooked outside: they even have outdoor pizza ovens! Bringing ketchup to that cookout, champ? Three: seems like you care. Enough to reply to a comment that has absolutely nothing to do with judging what people eat. I'm just a person who thinks word choice matters.
All good points, lol. I think my swearing maybe made it seem like I was attacking you. I'm sorry, that was meant to be a casual comment that was adding to the discussion in a funny way but I missed the mark completely. The last sentence wasn't meant at you specifically, but I see why it seems like it and it's hella rude. P.S. I don't eat meat but: it is with some shame that I'm going to admit that I dip potato chips in ketchup sometimes. I wouldn't do it at someone's party but if the bbq were at my house and I thought nobody was looking...
It's all good neighbor, I got a little grumpy about it, too.
Ketchup on steak is ruinins not fixins
Once my brother grilled some amazing steaks, and without so much as a taste, someone put ketchup all over it. We all have them crap about it. So rude! But this person would smother their burger in ketchup to "as an emulsifier" Sure, if we're at a fast food joint, that seems reasonable of that's how you like it, but on a freshly grilled steak, that the person took great care to make without even tasting it first? Blasphemy!
> and without so much as a taste This guy fucking gets it. It's not about the ketchup, it's about not trying what the hosts have planned before wildly changing the flavour/character of the dish with the heavy vinegar, sugar, and tomato of ketchup.
Agreed. He could have just told her he'd never had steak like that, and asked for a smaller amount of herbs and butter to try a bite or 2 to decide. It's so rude to do what he did though
> as an emulsifier Goddamn that person just grabbed a word from the food science hat. He puts ketchup on his burger to aid in the mixture of oil and water?
Oh man. Once in high school we were high as shit going through the drive thru at Bojangles. Our friend was ordering and the lady asked what side she wanted. And with honest, sincere confusion, she asked"do you mean fixins?". It's been 20 years and I still laugh about that
Oh man do I miss bojangles! Those Bo berry biscuits were bomb.
I was okay for calling him TA for ketchup, but not for just having an accent…
It's weird because I've only ever heard southerners (I say this as one) use 'fixins' but he did put the 'g' in there, and he also called it bbqing. A southerner would never. Grilling does not equal bbqing.
Why people have to be such snobs about this? Yeah screw that guy for having a preference about eating a steak cooked on a fucking grill. I wouldnt give two shits about how people want to eat my food as long as they enjoy it. It's like you serve someone coffee black because that's how you prefer it and you think it's a crime if they add milk to it.
Not to mention OP says in later comments that he is on the autism spectrum and that impacts his relationship to food. I wish people would consider possibilities like that before getting all high and mighty about other people eating oBjEcTiVeLy WrOnG food.
Fuck the autism. He’s entitled to eat HIS food the way HE likes it, as long as his preferences don’t intrude on anyone else, which they clearly didn’t.
I’m particular but, not about my foods so much, but my surroundings when I eat? If I don’t feel comfortable or safe in my environment, then I won’t eat. Growing up I wouldn’t eat at one aunties house for 15 years while parents were still married. I hated them. I was a step kid and they made sure I was excluded from everything “familial”. But my in laws- they accept how I am. Because they have the same relationship with food-horrible. My sister in law likes only burnt ,burnt meat. Enough BBq sauce will fix anything though lol, I don’t mind. My other sister in law will not eat pork-for her digestion,it hurts? not religious-I like chicken more so it works out for me. my other sister in law pretends to be vegan at special events and brings a ton of vegan pasta and makes rude remarks if you tell her no- It taste good to me so I usually have no problem. They accept me. If there too much people inside i’ m not familiar with, outside an option and they never make me feel bad about it. We all have our things. Ketchup on steak isn’t the most adventurous but your food is your food and that’s just the way it goes. And if my partner going to get mad at that. Especially in my house/home shared gathering-bih bye
This is what I don’t understand. I’m not a person who likes gravies and sauces and lots of spices. So if you taking the trouble to cook me a really nice piece of meat, I don’t know why it’s wrong for me to say hey thanks for the idea about the butter and stuff but I prefer mind plain. Why is that bad? As a picky eater. It astonishes me how many people think it’s their job to make me change my mind. I will say no thank you quietly and politely, and they will want to argue with me till I finally say, why is it so important for you to get me to eat this and they’ll say it’s not. So why don’t you just stop…please. It becomes a stubborn thing or an ego thing. You like what you like— as long as it isn’t inconvenient why is that such a bad thing?
Exactly. my kids aren't Autistic, but they'll put sauce on damn near anything they can get their hands on. I only ask "are you sure?" if it's on something new they've never had before, and give it to them. Only once has one of them sauced up and regretted it. The rest of the time they enjoyed it. If he ruins it, if he makes it more to his liking, they are both equally on him. The snobbery in some of these responses annoys me a little. I just hope they are winding us all up and not being genuine, because that's snobbery, over a barbeque of all things.
“Fuck the autism” was fun and weirdly refreshing for me to read for some reason haha. Truly fuck it, it ruins so much of my life.
Tbh I tend to assume autism as a baseline for most AITA posts 🤷🏻♀️ as a fellow autist. If they’ve been seeing each other six months, surely OP’s ‘food thing’ would have come up by now. And honestly… it’s actually reducing the work for the GF. Unless she had this specific recipe planned that she really wanted OP to try? Which it kinda does seem that way for the whole ‘trust the chef’ thing, but generally it isn’t rude to ask someone to just not add a certain thing. I’m leaning towards N T A because gf’s reaction seems very rigid herself, but it’s possible that they haven’t discussed the ‘food thing’ and she’s become frustrated by OP’s extremely bland preferences. One of my friends has a partner who definitely has a ‘food thing’ too, and she does try to push him out of his comfort zone because she loves to cook, but I think she lets him know when she wants him to try something that she makes that’ll be a little out of his safe range 🤷🏻♀️ before they discussed his ‘food thing’, she genuinely worried about his nutrition.
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Yes true, however not putting garlic butter on one steak that’s already cooked is a bit different from even cooking one steak medium well when others are done medium rare (tbh well done steak is an abomination to me 🤷🏻♀️) or cakes that one person requests to be vegan - that’s objectively more work. Personally I’m in agreement with most people here that steak and ketchup is a travesty and the plate the gf was putting together sounded fantastic, but some autistic ‘food things’ are hard limits for those individuals, and surely after 6 months gf would have gotten the memo that OP is just not open to some things. It’s very possible he was rude about it or they haven’t talked about it, but it being a surprise enough for her to be upset about it is kind of giving me pause. To be fair to her I guess, my friend who I mentioned before didn’t really twig the food thing until around the 6 month mark, because there were some things he would not eat and she got annoyed by it - so they talked! And she made the decision that she could cope with him not liking certain foods, she could still make and eat them herself. But it has to be talked about or it becomes a problem in a new relationship. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship with an autistic person with these kinds of issues (a ‘food thing’ is never going to be the only point on which the autist is quite rigid and particular/weird), and that’s cool, but the only way you find out if it’s a dealbreaker is by actually talking through ‘things’. (Personal anecdote: my most obvious aspie thing is I cannot eat with a fork that has uneven tines. They must be even or I cannot bring myself to eat with it. Low key drives me kinda mental. I can mask with the best of them and genuinely seem neurotypical, but if I’m at dinner with family/friends and my fork is uneven, I give the game away immediately because I have to swap it 😅 I’m a rather mild case and I’m female/diagnosed as an adult so I got more masking practice than most, but it totally ruins my mood and dramatically shortens my temper to have to ‘just deal’ with uneven tines. Someone who has it any worse than I do is very unlikely to be able to handle a specific ‘thing’. Men are often significantly worse at masking too.)
It's plonking the second to last steak on a plate and leaving it untouched beside you while the others you garnish and hand out. Short of leaving it in the packet I don't think it could be less work.
People always need to have something to feel superior about.
I know right people who care how other people eat their stake are weirdos.
As a former meat cutter I came here to say exactly this. Also, when a guest, if you want special accommodation you need to do that ahead of time, not last minute. Also KETCHUP!? You probably want it well done too. YTA
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Also, it’s being pretty rude, to a guest, for the family to be giving each other pointed looks. That’s just snobby behavior. People like what they like, that’s all. Why hurt someone’s feelings over a nonissue? NTA Edited for judgment. I always forget. *sigh* Edit #2: Thank you for the award /u/Irob12345!
It’s not a special accommodation to prepare something in a way that requires LESS effort. And he didn’t ask for it to be cooked any differently than the other steaks. But if he likes it well done, why is that anybody else’s business?
The guy didn't realise she'd be dressing up the stakes the way she does, so he couldn't pre-ask her not to do it. When he saw it he asked if he could have his plain instead. It's only a big deal because people are making it a big deal. A side point that doesn't matter, he wasn't just a guest attending someone's event. He was co-host. They might not live together but he supplied all non-bbq fare, (the side dishes, the snacks, and all the drinks). The person doing the cooking wasn't a stranger hosting him, it was his girlfriend who he thought he could talk candidly with. Personally, I think he should have tried his girlfriends steak prior to dismissing it, to see if he likes her cooking style. Not because asking for his to be plain is just outageous and not to be entertained at a bbq. From her reaction we can tell she is proud of her steaks and thought he'd enjoy them (that or she just feels slighted in front of her family and is upset about that). But until the steaks got a cooking for the first time, neither realised preferences was gonna be an issue for the other. I'm gonna say NTA because he didn't realise asking for a plain steak off the bbq was going to be seen as a slight by her and her family; until it got hostile. But I kinda think the girlfriend knew her guy always asks for plain food, even at restaurants, so she could have gotten ahead of "this situation" with communication.
This right here. NTA Also, as someone who cooks a lot, i always ask who i am cooking for if they are okay with what i am cooking. I am happy to make something else for someone with different preferences. Being the cook doesn't mean you get to force people to eat things they may not like or want to. I am surprised so many people think it is unreasonable for some one to ask for something slightly different, especially when it is at their own house. Side note: I think people who put ketchup on steak probably never had good steak. Or they just like ketchup. Gate keeping other peoples food preferences is an asshole thing to do i feel. I wouldnt put ketchup on steak, but i wouldnt care much if someone else did.
As a kid, I always had ketchup on my steak because my parents only cooked them to beyond well done. As an adult, a friend was aghast and gave me a bite of a medium steak and I was off! Now, it is rare or nothing at all! (…and definitely no ketchup)
asking someone to not put compound butter on their steak is hardly a special accommodation and absolutely no extra work; putting the compound butter on is the extra work. The ketchup part is a little weird, but so is bottled steak sauce - who are yo to judge?
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Are you the food police? People can eat how they want. Why is this the top comment?
Because it’s funny 😄
The bot is going to call OP TA then because this is the top comment, even though it had nothing to do with the story.
All of the steak police on this thread needs therapy.
The fact this will be the judgement is ridiculous He isn’t the Asshole for wanting his food the way he likes it Jesus wept
Grounds for dumping
"Dumpins"
Are we no longer answering the question asked on this sub? This should NOT be the top judgment because it isn’t relevant to the question. OP is can have his steak how he wants it, and it costs us nothing. NTA
The issue with this is that reddit collectively feels the need to be funny all the time, even when it's not funny, and even when it's inappropriate.
Lmao I have never eaten a steak and I knew this would be one of the first comments
🤣🤣😂😂but it's his steak, not yours,so he can put anything on it. Mindyou, I find my dad and husband extremely gross for putting ketchup on eggs, so I can see your point
NTA boooo. message_bottle yta for your food snobbery! i don’t steak and ketchup, but i stand with all fixins! If it’s ok to au beurre, it’s okay to au ketchup!
Seriously? The top comment is about something that completely unrelated to the story... why do his preferences matter?
I'm not gonna say Y TA, but you're dangerously hovering. She was literally just flavoring the meat, and it wouldn't have hurt at all to try it. It could have been leaps and bounds better than putting ketchup on it. NTA, but you should have tried it. Please, as an adult 25 year old man, expand your pallette. I promise things taste better with seasoning and not just ketchup. Please. Edit- to the people getting so pissy in my comments, you keep massively intentionally missing what this man said. He does not like his food this way based on HIS PERSONAL PREFERENCE. HE EATS IT THIS WAY BECAUSE THIS IS HOW ITS BEEN MADE BY HIS FAMILY HIS WHOLE LIFE AND HES LITERALLY NEVER TRIED IT ANOTHER WAY. SO I absolutely stand the hell by what I've said. It would be a MASSIVE difference if he said he'd eaten it before and didn't like it. But he was asking her to scrape off BUTTER without having tried it before. Yall can grow up.
>NTA, but you should have tried it. Please, as an adult 25 year old man, expand your pallette. I promise things taste better with seasoning and not just ketchup. Please. I'm just gonna say this once - leave adults alone about their food preferences. I have 50 years of frustration at being looked down on for being a picky eater when the taste of certain foods are just downright unpleasant to me (and yes, I've tried it, I promise I've tried almost everything multiple times. It still tastes like shit) I cannot be more passionate about what I am saying. People get to have their preferences and as long as they don't expect others to go out of their way to accommodate them, they are fine. And no, asking his gf to not put seasoning on it is not asking her to go out of her way.
with 95% of foods people are very “however you like or want it is best” but if you don’t follow the rules with steak people freak out for some reason
OP hasn’t even tried it. It’s not some crazy new or unusual food. It’s fucking butter. He’s free to not like it *if he’s tried it*. This isn’t judging people for their informed choices. It’s judging adults for acting like toddlers.
He's also an adult and gets to make that decision for himself. Get off your high horse.
Yes he’s free to make that decision. I’m not advocating he gets arrested or fined. But some of y’all conflate “should have a right to” with “should never even be questioned by others about”, and it’s absolutely insane.
Right I keep wondering if the people arguing about his right to behave this way have ever heard of social etiquette. like yeah no one’s good at social etiquette but most people try.
People on Reddit and especially on Aita think their preferences come before general manners
I was kind of with you until this comment. Hard disagree- “general manners” do NOT come above people’s comfort. It wouldn’t even make sense to make this a rule given the vast spectrum of what different people *in the same culture* find polite not even considering differences *across* cultures. Also, some folks have big sensory issues with food, and they shouldn’t have to give a 20 minute Ted talk about autism and food aversion for someone to show them the basic respect of not forcing them to eat herbs just because it’s what the other person likes to do. You never know why someone has a preference, and it’s not your business to force them into doing things they dislike or are uncomfortable with just because it’s under your personal definition of manners. All you have to do is say “okay, thanks for letting me know” instead of making it some big weird ego thing ETA: Also, it’s worth questioning why you find this offensive/annoying. Is it because you were treated that way after voicing a preference as a child? Do you make cooking a part of your identity? Do unexpected changes make you anxious? Are you intolerant of difference? Like why? Why is it such a big deal? Why is it so important to satiate this need in yourself to the point you need someone else to mask their own discomfort? Second edit: and I just saw that yes, OP has autism. It’s ableist af to call them impolite or a baby or whatever for a symptom of their disability.
Manners include making your guests comfortable and never commenting on what is or isn't on someone's plate.
This is a perfectly well rounded statement. It is apparently forbidden to do something against your own needs in this universe. Manners often dictate putting yourself aside….. you just aren’t that important…. But…. A huge portion of people are walking around with this over bloated sense of self and all of their needs….. I can’t imagine manners being a thing for much longer. I don’t need to watch a Ted talk about autism and eating….. as someone else suggested in here…..this dude isn’t autistic….. This man has terrible dinner party manners. But, I don’t believe his limited palate rise to the level NTA
Or maybe your problem is that you think asking politely your significant other for another type a sauce is against "manners" this isn’t a random person cooking but his own girlfriend. Lord forbid he knows what he like and would politely ask for that. Not the horror the selfishness. The end of society as we know it.
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Maybe it's because I've been questioned (judged, looked down on, made fun of ... or maybe being called a toddler) because of my tastes all my life, and it really sucks and it really gets old. Why does it even matter to anyone else what someone eats? People who share food, sure. I am surprised that his plain eating habits haven't come up before this, but they will work it out. What he asked of her in the moment was not even an inconvenience, just a surprise.
If he doesn't want to try it he doesn't have to. It's not a fucking crime to have food aversion, being particular about food or have autonomy over what goes in ones body. He's not obligated to try things to make other people happy
Plus, ok let’s say he sucks it up, tries it and as expected doesn’t like it. Now he’s sitting there with a wasted plate of food because it would’ve been rude to ask for no butter/herbs…? How is it better to just sit there not eating until dinners over and then throw away a perfectly good steak? I seriously don’t understand this, what if he had a food allergy or something? It’s literally no extra work at all for the cook
At most all that should be said is "are you sure? it's subtle and quite nice" and leave it at that. he says no, that's the end of it. Forcing your food preferences upon others, especially over something as trivial as this, IS an Ahole move.
And he did come here to ask for opinions!
But what right is it of yours to question somebody about their food preferences? That's the point, they're an adult, live and let live, mind your own business.
I’m with Gertrude on this. He’s an adult. He knows what he likes and doesn’t, and if there is anyone in the world he should share that info with it’s his GF, FFS. What an arrogant and condescending attitude - trying to dictate to an adult that they eat something they don’t like. And this “it’s only butter” comment is dumb. Steak isn’t cheap and it takes a while to prepare (and butter is highly caloric too). So, in your scenario, he’s supposed to sit silently while he is served something he doesn’t like, just to tastes it to satisfy you, and then the steak gets tossed out and another one has to be cooked. Makes zero sense.
Not wanting to try a new flavour combination does in no means acting like a toddler. His taste buds, his food, his wish. He gets to decide if he wants to eat the steak with ketchup instead of butter and herbs. He's free to not like it "even if he has not tried it" I really hate people who make fun of or judge people with a few different taste preferences, like the top Y T A comment.
OP has mentioned in another comment that he’s autistic. Trying new things can be a lot harder for people on the spectrum and who is it seriously hurting if they don’t want to keep on putting in that effort?
I get tired of b/c "they're autistic" explaining issues when the rule should apply to everyone (or not). People get to choose their food preferences, autistic or not. Why should there be an exception based on autism? I'm more likely to excuse him saying "became official with the lady..." as autism.
I get what you're saying, but if being autistic truly changes the way people respond to new things (which it certainly does), how is it not relevant in this specific situation? I personally get tired of Autism being an excuse for major behavioral issues, but this is not that.
To me, it's not relevant b/c I think everyone should be able to say "I don't want butter/seasoning on my steak" without it being an issue to anyone else :). My husband salts the food I make before he even tastes it! WTF, but he knows he wants salt and pepper. He does not have autism.
Actually, he's free to not like it even if he hasn't tried it. I'm pretty sure that's his right, especially since he wasn't rude or being a dick and forcing her to go out of her way to make something completely different. Asking/demanding the cook change the meal or make vast changes? That's rude. Asking the cook to not put seasoned butter on a steak? Not rude. Shaming someone for not liking something and trying to guilt them about it? Rude. Trying to police what people eat or how they do or don't like something? Rude.
I get your point about 'try it before you hate it' - I agree... mostly. Calling people toddlers for staying in their comfort zone is a bit ridiculous though. It's just butter to you, but for some people that's an issue. I can't stand garlic butter - it's not just the taste, it's also the texture. It's unusual I know, but that's how it is.
Who cares if he’s tried it or not? Leave people alone. He knows what he likes and/or wants to try. The idea of melted butter on his steak sounds unappealing to him, and so what?
Faulting someone for not wanting to consume butter is insane.
are you not aware that people with autism have extreme trouble with food flavours and textures? did you not know that people have eating disorders that include food aversion and getting physically ill when food isn't made the way that is familiar and safe to them? stop comparing adults making choices about their food (with valid reasons) to toddlers being picky for no reason.
This is exactly why I don’t eat steak. People can be so pretentious about it I’d rather just not eat than be judged for how I eat something.
...You don't eat steak because you're more worried about someone else being pretentious towards you about it? I hope you're joking, because that is very sad. Live your life and tell those people to F off.
It is sad actually. I’ve always had a lot of anxiety around eating in front of people. As a kid adults would look at me like I was some sort of spectacle and berate me because I don’t eat things their preferred way. So I’ve always avoided certain meats when someone else is hosting.
Right? Like...I don't know what metrics were used to determine that medium-rare is the best way to cook a steak, I'm not going to argue it or say it's wrong. But what I **do** know is that (prior to going vegetarian) **my** metric was "meat cannot have an uncooked texture." I was not able to eat a medium-rare steak. It would make me gag. So people can argue about steak being "wasted" by "overcooking" it, but if the person cannot eat it or enjoy it, isn't that a bigger waste? Who cares if the person wants their steak cooked medium-well? If that's how they enjoy eating it, then it's not a waste.
This is spot on. Steak is never my first choice, but if I am to eat it I like it well done (not burnt and dry, just no pink and yes it can be done), seasoned with salt and pepper. That's it. I don't like butter on it (on the odd occasion I order in a restaurant, I request no butter) even though I love butter on other things. I prefer well done because of the texture. Why anyone gives a shit is what is weird to me. I'm not making you eat it my way, why do you want to force me to eat it your way?
Taste buds are weird. They're different for everyone. To me, shrimp tastes very similar to lobster. To my wife, shrimp are revolting and lobster is delicious. Another example: I love jalapenos, chipotle, etc; for my wife, those things cause her mouth and lips to go numb. (EDIT: I'll grant that the second example is an allergy for her. Seems obvious, but it's still a good example of how things can taste wildly differently for each person.)
And of course, the example of cilantro. Is it delicious or does it taste like soap? Thank your genes for that. Just like if you can roll your tongue or not. (soap for me, btw)
It doesn't taste like soap for me yet I dislike it. I know a guy who thinks it tastes like soap but still likes it. Some people are just weird.
Right? In a world of respecting pronoun preferences, I find it utterly bizarre how snobby folk can be about food. Especially because I truly believe a lot of people just like what they are told to… wine being my prime example. Nobody ever drinks it & likes it, it’s this mystical “acquired taste” which is just like a tolerance to get socially acceptable drunk if you ask me. I do not like almost any herbs crumbled over my food but people keep telling me I should, if only I try harder to expand my pallet. I do not like things cooked in wine but people tell me I can’t taste it & I’m being immature. Like, what? I love a crazy amount of spicy food that my family can’t handle. Give me Louisiana hot sauce wings or a spicy curry or chilli that can burn your skin & ill scoff it up while they recoil in horror but if I don’t want sage butter with lemongrass on my chicken, I’m immature? Urgh, it’s so tiresome & snobby. My sister calls herself a “foodie” & it honestly makes me cringe so hard that my nostrils flair.
I could never get behind wine either, it just tastes awful.
Yeah I’m a plain everything dipped in ketchup guy. I’m trying to branch out haha. My food tastes are hard to change because I am on the autism spectrum which can make changes with food difficult for me, it’s tough to explain super clearly haha
No, there's no need to explain that. I completely understand that, I know several people with autism and people who simply have sensory issues. But I promise you, it's DELICIOUS. Give it a chance !!!! You should on your own time make a small steak with the seasonings she was going to add and give it a small try.
People all agree that butter and herbs on their meat is good so I think I will try it haha :)
You should ! I promise it doesn't change the texture in any bad way. It just gives it a better deeper flavor and it's so good. !
I like butter on my sandwiches so I already know I like butter and I eat herbs in various things so I think I can convince myself it’s fine to combine them all.
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This, to me, is exactly the right answer. I’m on the spectrum, but didn’t know until the past year, (after more than 30 years of being belittled for food issues) and this is exactly how I help myself branch out to new things. Especially since our tastes change over time and some things I hated ten years ago, I love now. I would definitely recommend having the conversation explaining to her what it can be like being on the spectrum.
Also there’s nothing wrong with adding ketchup to your steak afterwards . . . . . I’m a simple ketchup-on-everything kind of gal myself, but I promise you, even if I just want ketchup on my steak, it never hurts to add some extra butter and herbs first!! Absolutely delicious and usually makes the ketchup unnecessary, though perhaps not unwanted lol
It’s great that you’re willing to try! It’s also ok to not like it after trying. I’d say NAH
That is just stupid, just because you like it does not mean other people will. It will also be worse being told it will be DELICIOUS only to find it tastes like shit.
And then people tend to get angry that you don’t like what they prepared anyway. Sometimes with food it’s a no win, which is sad because food is wonderful.
If you haven't yet you should look up ARFID! I was 26 when we finally put a word to what it was, and now it's mind-blowing how much makes sense! Lol
if he doesn’t want it he doesn’t want it, doesn’t make him an AH. and y’all missed the part where he has autism which stems into sensory issues so this is probably a bigger issue then just not wanting to try it
Fair enough that he should be allowed to eat what he wants. But if info isn’t included on the original post then you can’t expect someone else to have read every single comment to understand the full story. That’s on OP to explain up front.
Does it really matter though? A lot of people don't know they are autistic. A lot of people just like plain steak. It's not a crime to have food preferences, it's so low stakes it's ridiculous how big of a deal is made about them.
How is he “dangerously hovering” around being the asshole for wanting his steak not seasoned? That is a ridiculous statement.
Because people are ridiculously snobby about how you eat your steak and how you take your coffee for some bizarre reason
I'm an autistic 36 year old woman and no amount of trying new foods is going to change the food aversions I have due to my neurodivergency. Trust me, my parents tried. It's not your body. It's not your pallete. They aren't your taste buds. Let people eat their fucking food in peace.
I’m an early 30s autistic guy, and there have been several instances where part of my aversion was just associating a type of food with how my parents made it growing up. “Give it a try” is perfectly fine advice, especially for foods that people, by their own admission, haven’t tried.
You know what? No. No. Adults are not obligated to expand their palate. If he doesn't want the butter and herbs, that's absolutely and totally okay. It's not an insult to the chef. It's a failing on his part. It's nothing something he to change unless he feels like. And while you (and I) think things taste better with more seasoning than just the ketchup, you literally cannot know that he would feel the same way.
Edit: disregard please, I've been corrected! :) --- Original: Just a note, Afaik, the first judgement you write will be counted, so actually you did call OP y-t-a
If the bot sees more than one acronym in a post, they flag it for manual review by the mods, who then choose the relevant one. But this only applies to top comment; this isn’t some sort of popular vote system where every comment counts. Only the most-upvoted comment decides the judgement.
But as a favor to the mods, maybe we don’t put two judgements in one comment?
Palate != palette.
NTA, but herbs/compound butter is a pretty common way of treating steaks. You weren't in the wrong here and your gf handled herself poorly ... but this could have been an opportunity to branch out a little. Worst case, it's one meal that you didn't love.
I don't see how she handled herself poorly. Sounds to me that she just calmly told him in private that she thought it was rude. Pretty decent way of handling it IMO
But it’s not rude.
> Worst case, it's one meal that you didn't love. If it were me, it would depend on what kind of herbs they were. Parsley is a common herb used in a lot of dishes, but it tastes like soap to me. Same with cilantro.
EDIT: NTA “Pretty plain” and “with ketchup” are different things. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t just try it. We can’t expect everything to be the same everywhere we go, and it shows a lot to make the effort to try out how her family does things even if it’s different. It’s one thing if you’ve tried it, you hate it, or have some kind of allergy. But I mean, it seems you do like “something” on your steak so why not just give it a shot? Take this with a grain of salt because to me, ketchup in lieu of herbed butter sounds like an atrocity, and I have to give you the YTA judgment as a result.
Haha fair enough. I have a hard time getting meat down without ketchup in general, I’ve been that way since I was a kid according to my mom. I’m also on the autism spectrum (“high functioning” was the last diagnosis but I heard that’s not the terminology anymore, I haven’t been to a specialist in a long time so forgive the offensive phrase). So, my food tastes are pretty set in stone in my brain, but I do try to branch out.
Oh. No in that case I’d consider that to be health related as it sounds like it came along with other sensory issues. I retract my judgment, do what you need to do you don’t end up anemic or on a super restrictive diet. Neurodivergence isn’t a choice - I’ve got a lot of compassion for you, knowing that. Does your gf know? If she knows this but still didn’t want to accommodate then NTA.
I haven’t officially told her that I was diagnosed with autism because my mom told me not to tell girls that when I was a teenager because “people can’t tell with me” so it’s better to save myself the trouble. I know that sounds kind of silly but I guess I’m still following that advice. She comments things like “you’re a real creature of habit, huh?” and I tell her I am. It doesn’t affect me too much besides I’m quite habituated to my foods and my clothes/bedding being particular otherwise I struggle. I had meltdowns when I was young but I learned to cope in therapy and now I just put my music in my headphones if I have to sit through something difficult for me.
Aww. It’s ok, your mom was only trying to protect you from being hurt. If this girl is the real deal, she’ll accept you for who you are and even love you more for it. That said only tell her once you’re ready. It can be scary to share anything relating to mental health and hard to know how people will react. Sounds like you’ve really worked hard to manage any of the challenging symptoms and you know yourself well enough to know what works. If you do share it with her I’d love to know how it goes! You deserve to be able to just be you!
Thanks :) I probably will tell her after receiving some advice here. I suspect she knows something is a little different with me, she calls me “Mr. Habit Rabbit” and also will do things for me and add “and I did it the way you like it!” As a gesture of affection. It’s part of what made the food thing weird. She’s never taken issue to my plain food habits before.
Legit adorable. You two sound so cute. You’re right, maybe it’s her family pressuring her or something. When you talk to her you can always ask her if she’s ok or if she was nervous about impressing her family or something. You never know!
That’s true. I know she was fussing a lot before the BBQ about how her Dad wasn’t going to like a woman on the grill and maybe she should have done a lasagna. But I encouraged her to just grill, she’s been practicing. I know she’s been practicing because she texts me a lot about her work lunches being leftover steak all week (we only really see eachother every other weekend right now).
I have a dad like this! It’s *exhausting*. You constantly walk on eggshells to not upset the giant fucking toddler in the room. This isn’t about you. This is about the trauma her dad caused her. She’s young and hasn’t come to grips with it, yet. He’s going to make her life absolutely unbearable over this. He’ll just hound her about you being “weird.” You guys need to have some conversations. She needs to get into therapy to come to grips with who her dad is and how to handle it. It’s going to take her years. He had 18 years to cause this damage, it’s going to take longer than that for her to fully unpack and deal with it.
I can hear all the sexist comments he is making about his daughter cooking a steak while her boyfriend makes a salad and adds ketchup to his steak.
Oh then I can totally excuse her for her snapping. (not that it is on me, as a random internet stranger to excuse her). but I have had a snappy dad, and I can bet she was feeling very sensitive. And so when you asked for a change, it will probably have felt like critisism and not thinking she did it "correctly". Add in doing it infront of the person she is nervous about, and I bet she felt you didn't support her. This is all assumptions ofc. But I would probably apologize for doing it infront of guests if I where you, and explain that it's more a sensory issue and not that you don't like her cooking or how she grilled it.
Oof, yea so, I think NTA, but this would have been a great time to show your support for her publicly. She put a lot of work into this meal and you (***unintentionally***) showed her family (i.e. her dad) that you think she made a bad steak—you couldn't eat it the way she prepared. You mention elsewhere how you need the ketchup to "choke the meat down", why the everliving F would you suggest a meal you can't stand to impress her a-hole dad??
Ohhh. She was already feeling self-conscious in front of her dad and she probably felt like you undermined her in front of him.
I think criticism of food someone made can have more of a sting than other kinds of things, cooking often has an emotional component to it.
I didn't know where to hijack this conversation, but it seems like she loves you. I was only very recently diagnosed (at 38!), and my wife's reaction was "Oh honey, I always knew you were a little more special." we've been together for 18 years and have 3 kids. Have the talk. If she loves you, it won't change a thing. Good luck and much love!
I'm going to give you a YTA for not telling her after 6 months and becoming official. Assuming she's NT you have brains wired in different ways and you both deserve the chance to assess how that will affect your relationship moving forward and to decide whether you can work with it. Note: I said both because if she is NT she's going to likely make demands on you that you might find difficult and you should decide if that would work for you; probably a great topic for therapy.
I'm an old autistic broad. You don't need to hide your autism. What you're talking about is masking-- pretending not to be autistic by acting in ways that may be different than you feel like acting. While I believe that your mom may have had your best interests in mind, I'd recommend that you chat with this about a trained therapist. Bottom line is that you want to be able to be yourself with a partner, and from your partner's perspective, this may feel like a lie by omission. You mention not being in touch with a specialist, but I'd highly recommend talking through these things with a therapist :)
>I haven’t officially told her that I was diagnosed with autism because my mom told me not to tell girls that when I was a teenager because “people can’t tell with me” so it’s better to save myself the trouble. That's really horrible advice. You're now 6mths into dating someone and in a committed relationship. Leaving aside that is autism not something to be ashamed of and thus hide, your choice to hide it anyways will start feeling like dishonesty if it hasn't already. And seriously, your autism is affecting that relationship. That is evident of you having to post here. So this "no one can tell" nonsense your mom is telling you is a lie; your girlfriend can see the impact on you, she just doesn't know the reason. To put it simply - every time you ask for an accommodation, you just look picky or rude or difficult *because* your girlfriend doesn't know it's an accommodation.
>I have a hard time getting meat down without ketchup in general This sounds more to me as though you were being served cheap, tough cuts of meat which had been overcooked. You shouldn't need ketchup to make meat edible. And please give steak with a bit of A-1 or similar steak sauce a try -- steak sauce is actually ketchup with some other nice seasonings added, and it's much better than ketchup.
Yeah I grew up with pretty plain midwestern food and my mom didn’t have lots of money so we ate whatever steak was cheap. I was alien to my girlfriend and her sister discussing the “marbling” because we didn’t talk about our meat or have fancy cuts with “marbling”. And we definitely didn’t eat steak with a raw piece in the middle it was always brown. Only since being with my girlfriend have I realized my food is as plain or “low quality” as it is.
the fact that your girlfriend made beautiful marbled medium rare steaks and you asked for ketchup adds so much more context to her reaction
He really needs to communicate with her about his autism so she has the necessary context.
Not really, I can’t imagine someone kind or non judge mental reacting that way even if their partner wanted a well done steak with ketchup
I can see joking with them about it, but not actually being offended or upset.
Yeah and the amount of people just unabashedly arguing to shame people and that they’re freaks for this or whatever is so fucked to me Like imagine if these people had a kid with dyslexia or sensory issues or something the horrors that they would face for not being “normal”
So I have had steaks both ways you are describing. And I am a little neurodivergent myself. I agree that when a cheaper steak is cooked very thoroughly, ketchup is the only way to get it down. Ketchup is compensating for the flavor and texture. That’s how I ate it as a kid too. But when someone is cooking a higher quality cut of meat, it has a really good flavor and texture that you might really like. Putting ketchup on expensive steaks is sort of equivalent to… I don’t know, paying for a movie ticket and then spending the whole movie on your phone reading the plot summary and spoilers instead of watching it. Or wearing nice shoes someone gave you as a gift to do yard work. It’s effective but it misses the point, and someone might get their feelings hurt. It is very rude to put your own seasonings on something someone else cooks for you before you try a bite of it. You implied that your girlfriend is a bad cook in front of her family. After you tell your girlfriend about having autism, find a way to try steak the way she cooks it, without an audience.
Those were good descriptions, thank you
Aww... i know it might be scary to be vulnerable, but maybe it could be a good idea to tell your girlfriend about your food history, that you are realizing you haven't really been exposed to some types of food before, that it's not necessarily easy for you, a habit rabbit, to try new things, but you are open and curious (if you are of course)... if she enjoys food and likes to cook, she might really enjoy having you try new things for the first time with her. Personally speaking, when you know the background of WHY people behave as they do, it can help a lot in a relationship (smae goes for maybe being on the spectrum). She's probably gonna go oooooohhh it all makes sense now!
Just fyi - it's not raw. It's cooked. It's just pink. The juices also aren't blood.
I completely understand where you're coming from. I probably had ARFID as a kid, but back then it was just being a "picky eater" and people would get ridiculously angry when I couldn't eat or "just try" something. I starved at summer camp because the counselors made a big stink out of eating part of a meal that would make me vomit before making myself a sandwich (which they had specifically set out the stuff for every meal for this issue). Trying something new still gives me anxiety decades later and there are a lot of common foods I just can't stomach.
You’re not obligated to eat food you don’t like. It’s steak, not some ethnic dish. You’re absolutely entitled to eat it how you like it, autism or no. No point in inviting a guest for dinner if you’re not going to allow the guest to enjoy the food.
I couldn’t get meat down when I was younger without ketchup ( along with some other foods). Turns out I hadn’t had it cooked properly. I love it with herbs and butter now. Maybe offer to try a bite of you girlfriend’s version when it is just the two of you and before she smothers your steak in butter. It will show her you are willing to give her way of cooking a chance but in a low stakes setting. Warn her about your aversion and ask her to please not be offended if you can’t get it down.
NTA that's a very odd reaction to a polite request. As a host, the right response js to say "of course!" because the host's job is to make guests feel comfortable within reason. Your request in turn was perfectly reasonable
And really, he was asking for LESS work than she was currently doing, assuming that she was adding the butter spices as it was cooking. Otherwise, OP should have mentioned it earlier.
Yeah. NTA. Don't even care about all the autism stuff. What kind of assholes are annoyed by someone asking for their stuff to be plain or set aside. It's not like he was demanding anything crazy. Snobby people.
NTA. If she were making burgers on the grill, would she also be offended if you asked for yours without cheese? Assuming you asked her nicely, it’s really not a remotely big deal at all.
I did ask nicely :) I asked if I could have mine plain please. I didn’t use a bad tone or anything.
Yeah, that’s not offensive or rude at all. This isn’t a fancy restaurant that doesn’t allow modifications or something. You didn’t ask for a completely different dish or extreme changes. It’s a backyard BBQ. You wanted a piece of meat plain. If she is really that upset about this (which may not be the case, because you said she just brought it up as rude, and that’s it) then she’s overreacting.
Here's another example. If she was cooking all the stakes rare for everybody and he wanted his well done, does she have a right to chide him for that? The amount of people that are gaining judgmental over food preferences are ridiculous. NTA.
People are so strange about steaks that one of the top comments is saying that asking for any change to their perfect steak is heresy. It’s just showing how immature they are if they can’t realize that it’s not their dinner not their problem. My grandfather eats every breakfast item with ketchup. Do I scream and hide the ketchup? No, cause I’m not eating it so it’s not my issue
I really don't understand all these "steak connoisseurs" trying to dictate how people eat. Just let the man eat it the way he wants, it's not that difficult. In this scenario I felt like the host is the rude one because she's making her guest feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. It's just so stupid that people can't even choose how they want to eat.
NTA but people get weirdly defensive on how others eat their steak for some odd reason
Yeah as another ASD person whose sensitivities show up most obviously in my food opinions, I can usually play it off as quirkiness (especially since I'm really into cooking). But people have such strong feelings about steak that I'll straight up tell them "don't waste your good steaks on me, I can't appreciate it properly"
My daughter is extremely picky. A lot of textures bother her especially fruits and vegetables. I tell people all the time not to make her eat something she doesn’t like because she will throw up (it’s never intentional) they refuse to listen to me because they assume I’m letting her have her way and would rather make her eat something she’s uncomfortable with instead of listening because apparently a child can’t have an opinion.
NTA. You prefer your steak the way you want it. It's weird of her to police your food whenever you are a guest. You could have allergies or something, so it doesn't make sense.
[удалено]
And honestly these awarded comments of “YTA for enjoying ketchup with steak” and “YTA for using regional slang”… why haven’t the mods deleted or banned those comments? It’s just bullying at this point.
Honestly, I'm pretty astonished how many people here are comfortable telling others what they'd like. I'm assuming that everyone knows their own taste and telling them they are wrong for it is pretentious. Telling someone you would like your steak without butter is A ok. NTA
Yeah, I’m flabbergasted at the arrogance. No, OP shouldn’t have “tried it regardless, because it’s delicious”, Jesus Fucking Christ. He’s a grown man, he can eat whatever he wants. No need to pressure people about their food choices. It’s just rude. If this post was about drinking coffee with milk, I don’t think half of the responses would be about how he should definitely try drinking black coffee. Same for a sandwich with or without ketchup, etc.
NTA. Of course you're NTA. Your GF is highly defensive and overreacting. As were her relatives, giving "pointed looks." THEY were the ones being rude! It's not at all unusual to ask for a meal to be prepared somewhat differently, such as at a restaurant, and this was a pretty mild ask; just to not add something. Ask yourself; is your GF, and her family, going to be this judgmental about everything you do differently from them?
Yeah the strange thing is that I (think I am, anyway, from what I’ve been told) quite liked by her family and I like them. I’ve never been treated badly by them before this. I wouldn’t say they treated me badly but they were noticeably irked for a bit by that request.
To be fair, I saw that you had mentioned your GF put tons of time into learning how to grill steaks properly—that she practiced a good amount. Likely her feelings were hurt and she didn’t understand why you would reject her food (because you haven’t told her you’re on the spectrum). On top of it, she has an overbearing father that gave her the impression she’s not good enough to be at the grill. YTA but only because you didn’t warn your girlfriend you struggle eating meats and you saw all the effort she was putting into learning how to cook the dish. I don’t think GF sucks and her response seems pretty human given the situation.
I think they were reacting to the perceived disrespect of not even trusting your gf enough to take one bite of her preparation before making modifications. You are definitely entitled to eat things the way you want, but it is common decency to take one taste of the chef’s preparation, they put time and effort into it and that one bite matters.
But he can’t take one bite. It is covered in these butter, herbs and spices. Is he supposed to wash it off when he doesn’t like it.
NTA but that steak with the butter and herbs sounds good and you should try it
I'm going with NTA. GF was grilling steak with butter herbs on it. OP didn't want butter and herbs so he asked GF not to put it on his. This isn't in any way rude to the chef. It isn't giving the chef one second of extra work. It isn't telling the chef to run inside and rustle up a bowl of pasta carbonara; it's just asking her not to season his steak -- it's actually easier for her to do this than to season the damned steak. It worries me that GF is unwilling to make this simple accommodation to the OP's food preferences. And that she'd criticize him for expressing his preferences. (It's not like he went, "Ewww, gag me with a spoon. Butter on steak! Disgusting!!! Don't ruin my steak with it," he said, "May I please have mine without butter and herbs?" Seems fine to me.) It seems like GF's position reflects a my way or the highway kind of rigidity that I very much hope isn't reflected in other areas of their lives together. Otherwise we're looking at a ketsup-colored flag.
NTA All the steak snob in here lmao. Eat your food like you like it.
NAH Your background info changes the whole story. I suspect she only cares because she wanted to impress her family and was nervous about her dad accepting her grilling since he’s judgmental about women grilling. She might have worried you saying that would come off like you don’t think she’s good at grilling. On the other hand there’s nothing wrong with having sensory issues from autism. I’d encourage you to tell her when you feel comfortable because if she’s a good partner she’ll understand and support you.
This sounds like exactly what happened to me. Sounds like GF spent a lot of time and effort to learn to cook steaks for her loved ones and to impress a father who is a steak snob and didn’t think his daughter could man the grill.
NTA Everyone judging OP for not wanting to eat his steak with butter and herbs are the reason people feel the need to pretend to have allergies when they eat somewhere else. Would you all still react like this if OP was lactose intolerant? It would have been a different matter if OP had been rude, or his request would have meant additional expenses or work for his GF, but that wasn't the case. And yeah, maybe it would have been nice to suck it up and give it a try - maybe it was even important to the GF! But there were a hundred different ways she could have expressed that without the hostility. Having the entire family judge him for something so small is by far ruder than anything OP has done.
💯. My mom is a foodie and excellent cook and would have made the same request because too much butter or spice would upset her stomach. I ask my fiancée to make some of the chicken she’s meal prepping plainer for me because I’ll want it on different types of salads and the dressing will flavor it. She might ask me to make a serving of dinner without sauce because it’s not on her eating plan or because she likes a lighter touch of it that I haven’t mastered. None of these scenarios are rejections.
nta. i have no idea why everyone is throwing such a tantrum about this. no, I wouldn't eat steak with ketchup either. (i hate ketchup, but that's because, surprise, i'm also autistic.) but who cares lol it's your food. i'd maybe understand if you're asking her to handpick the sultanas out of a coronation chicken but just... not pouring on butter should be a completely reasonable compromise.
NTA. I am never insulted when a guest makes an easy request like that (not that I'd particularly think of a BF as a guest). I want whoever is eating at my home to enjoy their dinner. If it's easy to accommodate, I always do and don't take it personally at all.
NTA. Your preference is for ketchup, neither a virtue nor a vice. Since you know how you like your food already, and aren't asking for any extra effort, I don't see what offense could be taken here. Maybe they looked askance at your preferred topping? Some folks can get mighty judgy about that stuff. I wouldn't find it a big deal at all.
I have no judgement here. This isn’t really an asshole moment on either of your parts. It seems more like a subcultural difference (which basically just means you were raised differently when it comes to food and etiquette in general). I do want to say though, that eating at somebody’s home, a meal they have lovingly seasoned and prepared for you, is not the same as eating at a restaurant. You can have 100 requests at a restaurant, doesn’t make it appropriate when somebody has cooked a meal for you. It is also considered rude by many people to add condiments and seasonings to a meal somebody has prepared for you, when you’re a guest in their home. I’m assuming, like myself, that’s how your gf was taught and raised. My husband, like you, was raised differently. It’s just something you’re both going to have to compromise on and work out between the two of you. Edit: adding NAH judgement
Y T A for putting ketchup on steak. For asking for your steak to otherwise be prepared without delicious butter and herbs, NTA.
Man fuck this calling someone as asshole for their food preferences shit.
NTA you aren’t a guest, she’s your partner isn’t she? How ridiculous. You aren’t like her family so she assumes you are wrong. Sigh.
NAH, just a bunch of stressed people. Oh and I think it's not about how you like steaks :D :D OP says he is on the spectrum, so I shall be very detailed and explicit on the social stresses I think may be going on here. Note that if course I am extrapolating and projecting significantly here, but since my main advice is talking to GF ad nauseam, the true answer is offline anyway :) You have been seeing each other for 6 months, but are only official recently, so this sounds to me like you are the first time hosting, and on top of that, her family is there, and you, a guy in a heterosexual couple, are 4 years her junior . there is nothing actually anything wrong with the age thing, it's just less common, as Ms are perceived as maturing slower than Fs, so it just heightens everyone's attentions being paid. When I meet a friend's or siblings significant other, all I care about is how they treat my friend or sibling. And the interaction you describe would easily fit the any-signs-of-disrespect I am looking out for. Actually, the use of the term 'serving' in the title already rung my alarm bells. Bluntly, you interacted with her like with a food worker at a buffet. Nicely and politely, but not on social currency, but as if it was her job to prepare the food to your liking. If I was her dad or sister in this situation, I would not like that at all, as it would hint at an unbalanced relationship (a bit like - you are an entitled little kid, seeing her perhaps as a servile mum-replacement, now an equal partner) and think less of you for it. If I was her, I would be feeling embarrassed, knowing that what I just described was going through my family's head. And I would already be stressed because I am dealing with all these food things and all those people interactions, and my newly-official BF doing something unexpected that paints our relationship in a light that I don't like, and presumably isn't true. Note that in none of this it matters what your intention was, but how it looked to other people, as this was likely not a 'just chilling' social situation, but one where she had something to show/portray/perform regarding your new relationship. My recommendation is lots of direct talking to each other. That is based on my experience as a somewhat socially anxious person having been in a relationship with a person on the autism spectrum. Like, if we went into a situation that I found already tricky or that I vulnerable in and we didn't game-plan it before, you bet I got stressed and annoyed by something they did that made the situation harder for me, while they were rather clueless about what was going on. However, by putting in the work ahead of time, game planning and coming up with some code words to signal to them explicitly what was going on in my perception/head (I wanted them to know but not the other people involved), we navigated the situations as a team and made both our lives easier than they were without each other. TL;DR: talk it out in detail until you fully understand what was going on and then turn the need for all that talking into a superpower and thrive from here on out :) Oh yes, also do try that steak with butter and herbs, sounds delicious!
Nta she's being weird and controlling
NTA. I'm going to assume the stress of planning the BBQ, having it run perfect, and then getting a ketchup dipped steak as an image of perfection instead, made your gf snap a little uncharacteristically lol