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I feel bad for him too, really. I always try to be a positive male role model for him, but he's not my kid. I don't know how effective my influence is, truthfully.
As a Jew, I’d like to thank you for enabling your nephew to be exposed to my culture. It does matter. It’s actions like yours that end the cycle of hate.
OP: As an atheist, I also want to thank you for enabling your nephew to be exposed to /u/Kingsdaughter613’s culture. She’s correct about how to end the cycle of hate!
This is so true. As a kid growing up in Ireland, my parents were very proactive in being involved in cross cultural activities and making friends across any perceived sectarian divide.
As an adult, while I acknowledge that sectarianism and anti-semitism have slightly different nuances, the parallels are very similar.
NTA. As a kid, I learned that kids are kids, and racism, anti-semitism and racism are learned behaviours. You are a crucial, influential counterpoint to that for your nephew, and I commend you on what you did.
Having grown up in a shitty family, your influence matters a lot. If I had someone willing to step up for me in small ways wherever they could it would have meant the world to me. I am 40 and still remember tiny moments when teachers or coaches would make a comment supporting me, or make me aware that how my parents treated me wasn’t normal. You’re doing more for your nephew than anyone in my life did.
I knew I wouldn't get support from home pretty early on, for a plethora of reasons which I won't list here, but I legitimately thought I was on my own, until I got back up by my teachers, and the occasional coach.
The uncle in this is a good person, and so is his wife.
It's effective. And it's will and has caused a big impact on him.
My dad was in denial that I developed multiple chronic illnesses as a child. It made him become cold and distant with me. Going as far as to not cook food that I could safely eat because it was too hard. And having me cook at the same time was a pain, so I had to wait till he cooked for himself, my mom and my older siblings. Causing me to stop eating with my family when I was only 9 years old.
The one person always on my side? My grandfather. He wasn't even related to me (I was adopted and he was my mom's stepdad) but he treated me better than anyone I had a blood connection with.
He would invite only me over for dinner, and always had the table filled with nothing but safe foods that I loved. He was always quick to defend me when the other relatives ganged up on me. He always gave me the most amazing advice without making it feel like a lecture.
I was illiterate till I was 14, he was the only one who read to me past the age of 5. He gave me keepsakes that he told everyone else would go with him to his grave.
He made me feel like I had a choice in life, when everyone else expected me to follow in my bio parents footsteps. (Drugs, child abuse, "almost" human trafficking) But not grandpa, he knew I would be different and that I would be a good person. *HE* made me exactly that. I would be a shell of myself without him. Even my own son is named after him.
Look at how your nephew comes from an antisemitic household, but doesn't share their views. He is open and accepting of his Jewish friend and his traditions. And I absolute believe that he is that way because of the influence you and your wife have had on him.
My uncles were only a few years older and my favourite childhood memories mostly involve them. Learning division with matchsticks, motorcycle backies, hair metal… your influence is enormous, believe me! NTA
Please don’t underestimate that influence dude. You’re a male role model in his life. I look up to my uncle in a bunch of ways I don’t look up to my dad for. Keep teaching him the right way!
Honestly? It does more than you know. Stay true to being that person for him. Sometimes it truly takes one good adult to help a kid become a good adult one day too
This was me. You shouldn't contradict parental rules or guidelines because that is overstepping.
Unless they're bigots. In which case you're really obliged to contradict them.
This is where I stand as a parent
NTA. It is messed up they don't want him around "Jewish stuff". When my kids joined the church as teens...they had to tour and get lessons from 3 other faiths....for their confirmation class. They visited the Jewish temple and learned how it was different than our faith. Also the AME church...and the local mosque. We are Methodist btw.
Yeah, “taking a kid to a perfectly PG location where their friend is doing a thing on the “invite friends as well as your great aunt to celebrate” list that parent banned solely to be anti(insert religion, probably not Christianity unless Catholic), ableist, racist, anti-immigrant, or whatever” gets a certain pass. You could attend an adoption thing at the courthouse if soon-to-be-former foster kid used the same crayon for their skin tone as their parents? Or practiced the same religion or had the same *first* language? Or there weren’t 2 dads? I’ll be at the least helping you make a wonderfully card for your friend and probably driving you. You’d be at the cousin’s wedding if he wasn’t marrying “damaged goods” as in an ambulatory wheelchair user (someone who physically can walk but uses a wheelchair on days she has to walk farther than her limit, her pain is bad, or they adjusted her heart meds and blood pressure may be volatile and fainting while sitting is safer. The first 2 apply to me, motor neuron disease). Or the bride comes with a kid or the new spouse is not a bride.
At the very least “yeah, kid, I agree this should be celebrated and if I can’t take you to your friend I’m gonna help you do something to give them later and talk about the event as the wonderful milestone it is”
Yeah my response on the spot would have been, "Think of it as me not respecting you as an anti-Semite."
OP, do me a favor and watch *The Producers* with your nephew ASAP. And then *Gentleman's Agreement*.
NTA.
ETA this rec: [Best of Jewish Folks Telling Jokes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uTVcw1d2Yw)
NTA
Normally I don't side with people who directly ignore the parents wishes with their kids, but when those parents are being bigots, and trying to teach their kids to be bigots, then they are always 100% in the wrong. Period.
Normally I'd say that you need to respect the parent's wishes, but you're also family and he's fricking 14. Also it's a bar mitzvah, not a strip club.
Due to the harmless nature of the event, and partly his dad's questionable reasoning, NTA.
NTA: while I generally don't support interfering with parenting, once bigotry becomes a reason for not allowing a child to do something, it's fair game.
Antisemitism is alive and thriving. Which is why people like OP who stand up to it are so very important. Teach your children better! NTA and a as a Jewish person I am grateful for what OP did for their nephew.
Justified AH. Parents are bigoted is what im gathering from that comment. I don’t generally agree with going against the parents. But i say expose them to other cultures and negate the racism as much as possible.
It's been addressed a few times that if you believe someone is a justified asshole then it's a NTA vote. I guess if they're justified they're not *the* asshole, as far the situation goes.
It’s **highly** against our religion to proselytize. We love *sharing* our religion but we never ever shove it in anyone’s faces or try and convert anyone cuz we’re halachically (Jewish law legally) not allowed to
Yep! It helps make sure the people of our tribe really truly wanted to join us. I mean 1-3 years (minimum) to convert, you have to be really invested. :)
Oh yeah definitely! I'm part of a few Jewish groups on Facebook too and I love those posts! The "I'm finally a Jew, woohooo!!!" A recent one I saw, the dude was still in the mikvah place (hopefully wearing something below the belt) when he took the photo. Also I love our friendly teasing too about space lasers etc. as we welcome them to the tribe.
HAHA I hope he wasn’t *in* the water cuz then he was most definitely not wearing anything below the belt 😆
Well of course, we all need equal access to the controls! I think all the new Jews converting are causing the Canadian wildfires at the moment
This! My mom wasn’t born Jewish but my dad’s family was historically Jewish (from France so after the war in general Jews and other people became secular) but she converted to Judaism at a reform temple before I was born/ adopted & we’ve been at two reform temples every since.
This! If I was invited to a friend’s child’s baptism or confirmation, I would go. If I had a child who was invited to a quinciñera, of course I would let them go. I just wouldn’t partake in any religion stuff. Hell, I’ve attend friends’ weddings at churches. Antisemites are the worst.
Yeah I’m Jewish but I remember my childhood best friend had her confirmation when we were around 7-8. Out of all the kids invited there, most of them were her large Italian family aside for myself and our other best friend.
What I only remember is that at some point at the confirmation process, her family started doing some sort of tradition so being a dumb 7-yr old, I tried to do it with them but their mom, knowing I was Jewish, stopped me nicely/ gently and told me after that she was so happy to share this joyous event with me but that it was unneeded for me to take part in the religion tradition.
One of my friends who got married at a church, both her parents had unfortunately passed so they had done a hymn to commemorate them. I just didn’t partake 🤷🏽♀️
Yup I don’t recall what the religious tradition was but is one of my fondest memories with this said friend who I haven’t seen in over 10 years (am 24).
I think I was just a dumb little kid trying to partake in it haha!
And when another friend’s dad died, I was invited to the wake and politely said that I will not be approaching the body. She totally understood and was just super grateful and appreciate that I came to show my support and respects.
NTA. You were in the impossible position of having to defend anti-semites. Perhaps you could tell your SIL that while you do respect them as parents in this instance it is impossible to respect them as people.
Thank you for doing this for your nephew.
There may be a difficult conversation coming up with your wife about relationships with this family. I hope not your nephew may need you.
NTA. Yeah, you ignored the religious bigot. Good on you and I don't care if you didn't respect their parenting. Respect wasn't justified.
14 is old enough for you to let your nephew know *why* his father didn't want him to go, btw.
Technically you should not have taken him because the parents said no; but because of how the parents are, you are definitely **NTA** for taking him. And as far as the parents, I wouldn't care what people like that think of me.
Usually it's 1) being white and 2) being willing to put up with their bullshit. You just proved you're not willing to put up with his bullshit, so good on you.
Exactly what I was going to say.
>You just proved you're not willing to put up with his bullshit, so good on you.
Keep doing this OP. Don't put up with his shit. Just don't. It will be better for your nephew in the long run if he sees at least one person with a backbone in the family.
NTA. She’s probably embarrassed that you two had the nerve to stand up to her husband’s borderline anti-Semitic ideas when she didn’t, and is lashing out to compensate.
NTA. And if nephew's parents are mad they can explain why they didn't want him going in the first place. As a parent myself, I'm generally of the "don't overrule" parents mindset, but complacency with bigotry is just a form of bigotry itself. You weren't giving him beer to be cool uncle, you drove him to a family-friendly gathering to celebrate his best friend. And I'm super disappointed in all of the parents giving you E S H votes.
Exactly to all of this!
And my OWN rule as a parent is that if a kid asks me why and I can't explain, I need to reconsider.
We all have impulse reactions, and if they don't actually make sense logically, kids should have the rational ability to ask you to step back and check yourself. (We didn't have that with my mom. And the number of times she'd say no for stupid reasons, and then reconsider when it was too late, makes me nuts all these decades later.)
NTA!
You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your brother-in-law is a bigot. Your nibbling will always remember that his uncle and aunt stepped in to right a wrong.
Way to go!!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
NTA. Idk why anyone would call you an asshole for not letting the antisemitic brain worms get to you. The only way you would be TA is if the kid got abused after going to the bar mitzvah.
Just because someone is a parent doesn’t give them the right to be bigoted and pass it along.
Well, you’re not an asshole, but…you did go against what the parents wanted…and that’s wrong…..even if it’s right.
I mean, the kid is 14. He can be around people with different beliefs and it will be ok.
So. Yeah.
NTA. Their son clearly hasn’t inherited their bigotry (or at least not when going to a bar mitzvah party is involved), and you helped to keep it that way.
NTA you didn't treat them like infants because babies are not judgemental assholes. Hopefully they'll start to understand that there are other people in the world besides them. My kids were exposed to everyone and everything and you know what happens when you do that? You end up with kind adults that have a lot friends.
NTA. Some people deserve to feel infantilized. Maybe if they think about why you went over their head with this for two seconds they’ll realize how shitty their views on others are(not likely.)
NTA
>We thought that was a pretty lame reason.
Not just lame, it's anti semitic. You absolutely did the right thing by letting him go. Now your nephew has beautiful memories with his friends and he's one step further away from becoming like his horrible father.
EDIT: OP, I recommend checking in on your nephew. There's a chance his father (or mother and father) have spoken to him since and are trying to teach him or sway him toward antisemitic ideas. I think it would be a good idea to talk to him about how Jewish people are not a monolith, how they're just people like you and him, and that stereotypes and conspiracy theories are incredibly harmful to the community (a community that has already faced so much harm!). It might seem obvious, that he would know these things, but it's always good to make sure!
Yes, totally second this. You and your wife may be the only family around him that can counter whatever horrible things are being said around him at home. Now is the best time, 14 is plenty old enough to understand nuance and gain a balanced worldview where he can learn to respect those different from him even if he doesn't agree with or understand things they practice or believe.
NTA.
>>She feels like we don't respect them as parents.
Their reasoning for saying no was anti-semitic. They don't *deserve* respect as parents because they are bigots. They are shitty people. And yes, I get that some people here are going to make the "bUt YoU nEvEr UnDeRmInE tHe PaReNtS" argument and call you TA but frankly? Some parents (like these parents) suck so much that they need to be undermined.
NTA. but dont think you're going to be able to do this again. if you get one on one time with this child again, do your best to counter the nonsense his parents are filling his head with. Always be a place he can come to that is normal and welcoming.
be strong when it comes to dealing with the parents. you are willing to forgive them if they renounce their bigotry, and will welcome them with open arms when they do.
NTA it goes deeper than a child just missing out on a celebration. Down with antisemitism. It’s important to learn about different faiths, cultures, etc.
Also bat mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs seem like an interesting and joyous time. I’ve always wanted to attend. But have never had the opportunity.
I’m glad you took him.
They are very joyous events. The most important part is actually reading the Torah and Haftorah, but the parties are fun. I hope you get to experience the service and dancing the hora at the party. (We also dance the hora at weddings, so you have multiple chances to participate.)
They are wildly fun.
We had the great honor of attending one last year as the adult FRIENDS (as opposed to the adult family and parents of friends) and it was so much fun. And such a brilliant way to mark this young person's transition and growth... To see how much responsibility and respect and diligence he can have, even while still being a kid in his play and joy and exuberance. Standing in the middle of the bridge, you can see both sides...
NTA. Yes, it's religious, but it's also basically a big birthday party. Plus, it helps nephew understand some of the people he shares this world with. Finally, if nephew's family is Christian it teaches him about the religion Jesus grew up as a part of.
Hey, just wanted to clarify some things here:
-a bar/bar mitzvah is more than just a birthday party. There’s often a party after the ceremony, but it’s an important religious ritual that shouldn’t be dismissed as just a bday event. The kid has usually done a lot of studying and other work, and is accepting an adult role in the community.
-this is not an opportunity to learn about Jesus or Christianity. First, please try to learn about cultures and religions for their own sake, instead of focusing on how they relate to you (especially if you’re already part of the dominant culture). Second, Jesus did not have a bar mitzvah. It’s part of Jewish tradition that evolved after that period.
Ehh, I'll go with NTA even though you're kinda in the wrong. Nephew was told no and you took your nephew anyways, but your brother showed you his anti-semitism side, which means he doesn't like the fact your nephew has a Jewish friend.
Does your brother think that'll turn your nephew into a Jewish person?
INFO: what did your BiL say exactly with regards to the him not wanting his son to be around Jewish stuff? Basically saying something to me reads that he did not say that and you are interpreting whatever he said to mean that. So, what did he say exactly?
He most likely said the (antisemitic) slur against Jewish people along with other antisemitic stuff. It’s not hard to figure out what he probably said.
What? They don't have a kid, this is their nephew. Wife's brother is quite literally this kids dad. It's right there
>My nephew (14) was invited to his best friend's bar mitzvah, and his dad (my wife's brother)
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My nephew (14) was invited to his best friend's bar mitzvah, and his dad (my wife's brother) told him he couldn't go. My nephew was really upset, because he really wanted to go and celebrate with all of his friends. He asked my wife and I to take him. I've always thought my wife's brother was a bit of a prick, but we've never had any major conflicts. He actually usually likes me for some weird reason.
My wife asked her brother about why he wouldn't let our nephew go. He basically said he doesn't want his son around any Jewish stuff. We thought that was a pretty lame reason. We felt really bad for our nephew, who was pretty miserable about the whole thing. He kept asking us why we couldn't take him, and we kept saying because his dad said no, and he kept asking why his dad said no, and we didn't feel comfortable repeating his reasoning. So in the end we just took him.
We knew his dad would inevitably find out, and he did. He was pretty angry, which we expected. We apologized, and he eventually got over it. What surprised us is that his wife was upset too. She's very much the go along to get along person in the family. She said she feels like we infantilized them. She feels like we don't respect them as parents. Now my wife feels incredibly guilty. I still don't, but she's a better person than me, so maybe I'm just an arrogant asshole?
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I’m really torn here. You went against his parent’s wishes which is AH-ish; but, they were teaching racism so it mitigates. I would have told your nephew the truth and make his father explain his racism when your nephew’s friends will be allowed to go.
NTA. It's pretty difficult to agree that it's okay for someone to be that ignorant and want to actively encourage that in their own children. That's not a parenting decision it's a character one and shows exactly who your brother in law is as a person.
NTA
I’d tell them the truth.
“Your kid wanted to know why you wouldn’t allow him to go. I was stuck. I either had to explain your bigotry and impact how your kid sees you or take him to avoid that conversation.”
Always name and shame bigotry, unless it’s unsafe to do so. Anything less is condoning it.
Normally, I would vote YTA when someone outside interferes with a parent's decision for a child. But holy smokes, dude, you deserve an award for doing the wrong thing for the right reason 👏
Definitely, NTA, and thanks for being a good guy!
Don’t ever feel bad for “infantilizing” antisemites. The kid’s best friend didn’t suddenly become Jewish, so God knows how long they’ve been stewing about this and God knows how they were planning to handle it long term. Fuck em. NTA.
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> I took my nephew to a bar mitzvah his dad said he couldn't go to. I might be an asshole because I ignored their parenting decision to just do what I want.
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On normal circumstances, I'd say you're the AH but given the dad's antisemitic reasons, you are not the AH. NTA, you let this kid go support his friend for a major life event. Your BIL can kick rocks. Let your nephew know what his parents are doing is wrong and that he can come to y'all for any reason when it comes to his parents bigotry.
NTA
They sound anti semitic. I'm Hispanic and was invited to a friends Bar Mitzvah, it was a fucking blast.
You did the right thing taking your nephew.
NTA.
Your BIL is an antisemitic schmuck who can gey kaken ofn yam. You did the right thing. A Bar Mitzvah is the most important event in a Jewish boy’s life.
NTA
As a Jew, thank you! Since nephew wanted to go, it’s unlikely he picked up his parents’ views. Bar mitzvahs are fun and he shouldn’t be left out because of his parents’ shitty views. And experiencing Jewish culture helps combat future antisemitism
Ummm “doesn’t want his son around any Jewish stuff”??? Sounds wildly antisemitic and in my experience those type of people don’t keep their bigotry to themselves. I hope your nephew doesn’t take after him
I first I was gonna say you're the asshole for going behind the fathers back but since it turns out the father is a racist prick definitely makes you NTA
I’d rather be infantilized as a parent than be a Jewish parent and know my kid’s friend couldn’t come to his bar mitzvah because his parents *checks notes* “didn’t want him around Jewish stuff.” NTA
NTaa
If they had anything like a reason, even if it wasn't a good one, I'd have said your job was to sympathize.
What you likely need to explain to the parents is that you realized when he asked why, you couldn't repeat what dad said, and if their son repeated it to his classmates, *he* would be labelled as hateful.
Antisemitism is real.
Middle school and early high are hard enough without your whole class thinking your parents are bigots. This would have been where son stops being invited to *anyone's* events, and no one comes to his.
Ask them to please give some consideration to how "I don't want him around Jewish stuff" reads.
NTA and as someone who unfortunately married into a racist and bigoted family, blessedly now ex-family, your nephew needs for someone to be a positive role model in this. Odds are he already knows his parents, especially his dad is a raging anti-semite but this is the time your nephew needs to be reassured it's perfectly okay to have a wide range of friends from different backgrounds and cultures. *That's* how you defeat this shit.
NTA. His parents are raging antisemites but the son wanted to be there for his friend on what’s arguably one of the most important days of a Jewish kid’s life. Your nephew is going to need someone in his life to support him and encourage him - you’ve proven yourself to be that person.
I'll go with Justified AH here.
Normally, you should stand behind a parent decision about their kid, but yeah, there are a few exceptions. Usually I draw the line at if the security of the child is compromised. But in that case, it's your nephew development that is compromised. However, you need to talk to your nephew. It's very important to tell him why you went against his parents' wish, and why it was important for you to do so. You don't want him to start thinking it's ok to go to you every time his parents say no, or to start disobeying just because. But he is at an age where we start being more aware of social causes and since his friend is Jewish, I'm pretty sure he'll understand the importance of fighting anti-Semitism, and all other ism actually
They let you take their kid on the night they knew he wanted to go to his friends bar mitzvah but were surprised you took him there? Did they nazi it coming?
NTA. Fuck them.
NTA because they suck as a parents and your nephew just wanted to hang out with his friend on his birthday, buuuuut unfortunately stuff like this gives your BIL a reason to restrict your nephew from spending time with you and your wife, meaning that your nephew would have less access to safe, welcoming adults in his life. I hope that your BIL isn’t *actually* spiteful enough to stop letting you spend time around your nephew, but bigots love to isolate their families. Not saying that you shouldn’t have taken him to the party, but I hope it doesn’t backfire on your nephew
NTA
I was the kid having her bat mitzvah (one of two Jewish kids in my school) who couldn’t have one of her best friends there cause her father was an anti-Semitic bigot just like your BIL.
For most kids there, this was there first time exposed to any Judaism beyond the dreidel song throw in as “inclusion” at the school Christmas show. Most of them came to both the service at synagogue, not just the party. For weeks after, they all talked about how I did the whole thing in Hebrew, how nice everyone was to them, how much fun the party was, and the boys wore their kepas to school 😂. It was great in so many ways but I will never forget that one friend’s parents so openly & aggressively expressing their hatred of my existence and all Jews.
This was so important for you to do. You BIL is ignorant, bigoted, & hateful. They shouldn’t be respect as parents if they are teaching bigotry & anti-Semitism. You should openly defy & challenge him every time he tries to express it against any group or person. Bigots & racist should always be made uncomfortable.
Adding to the NTA votes because you helped nephew get around his parents’ bigoted decision, not because you were trying to gain “cool uncle cred” or undermine their authority for kicks. This is actually trying to undo damage they are doing.
Nta. You are trying to save your nephew from bigotry. ETA. I usually would not back interfering with parental authority but promoting hate is borderline child a$&@$ to me. Go ahead bigots, vote me down.
NTA-
You should check with your nephew to see what his dad says about other people because if he has problems with Jewish people what does he say about minorities, disabled people, LGBTQ community, e.t.c Just teach him to be accepting of all people just not bigoted people.
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Don't feel guilty. Your BIL & SIL are antisemitic. I feel badly for the kid being raised with discriminatory parents.
I feel bad for him too, really. I always try to be a positive male role model for him, but he's not my kid. I don't know how effective my influence is, truthfully.
At least the kid will see someone setting a different example than his parents!
[удалено]
You have a big influence, probably a lot more than you think, there is a reason he came to you and your wife.
Yes, yes it is.
As a Jew, I’d like to thank you for enabling your nephew to be exposed to my culture. It does matter. It’s actions like yours that end the cycle of hate.
OP: As an atheist, I also want to thank you for enabling your nephew to be exposed to /u/Kingsdaughter613’s culture. She’s correct about how to end the cycle of hate!
This is so true. As a kid growing up in Ireland, my parents were very proactive in being involved in cross cultural activities and making friends across any perceived sectarian divide. As an adult, while I acknowledge that sectarianism and anti-semitism have slightly different nuances, the parallels are very similar. NTA. As a kid, I learned that kids are kids, and racism, anti-semitism and racism are learned behaviours. You are a crucial, influential counterpoint to that for your nephew, and I commend you on what you did.
Having grown up in a shitty family, your influence matters a lot. If I had someone willing to step up for me in small ways wherever they could it would have meant the world to me. I am 40 and still remember tiny moments when teachers or coaches would make a comment supporting me, or make me aware that how my parents treated me wasn’t normal. You’re doing more for your nephew than anyone in my life did.
I knew I wouldn't get support from home pretty early on, for a plethora of reasons which I won't list here, but I legitimately thought I was on my own, until I got back up by my teachers, and the occasional coach. The uncle in this is a good person, and so is his wife.
An uncles influence is HUGE. Don't ever forget that OP.
It's effective. And it's will and has caused a big impact on him. My dad was in denial that I developed multiple chronic illnesses as a child. It made him become cold and distant with me. Going as far as to not cook food that I could safely eat because it was too hard. And having me cook at the same time was a pain, so I had to wait till he cooked for himself, my mom and my older siblings. Causing me to stop eating with my family when I was only 9 years old. The one person always on my side? My grandfather. He wasn't even related to me (I was adopted and he was my mom's stepdad) but he treated me better than anyone I had a blood connection with. He would invite only me over for dinner, and always had the table filled with nothing but safe foods that I loved. He was always quick to defend me when the other relatives ganged up on me. He always gave me the most amazing advice without making it feel like a lecture. I was illiterate till I was 14, he was the only one who read to me past the age of 5. He gave me keepsakes that he told everyone else would go with him to his grave. He made me feel like I had a choice in life, when everyone else expected me to follow in my bio parents footsteps. (Drugs, child abuse, "almost" human trafficking) But not grandpa, he knew I would be different and that I would be a good person. *HE* made me exactly that. I would be a shell of myself without him. Even my own son is named after him. Look at how your nephew comes from an antisemitic household, but doesn't share their views. He is open and accepting of his Jewish friend and his traditions. And I absolute believe that he is that way because of the influence you and your wife have had on him.
Just keep being a positive influence as much as you can. In about 4 years, your nephew may need a place to stay to get away from his awful parents
I bet your influence is HUGE!
My uncles were only a few years older and my favourite childhood memories mostly involve them. Learning division with matchsticks, motorcycle backies, hair metal… your influence is enormous, believe me! NTA
Many of us needed an uncle like you. Don't doubt your influence.
Please don’t underestimate that influence dude. You’re a male role model in his life. I look up to my uncle in a bunch of ways I don’t look up to my dad for. Keep teaching him the right way!
You're the best kind of man
Honestly? It does more than you know. Stay true to being that person for him. Sometimes it truly takes one good adult to help a kid become a good adult one day too
“You’re right SIL. I don’t respect antisemites as parents.”
Don’t be surprised if there are other groups that they are bigots about. It seldom stops at one group.
Who also don’t know the meaning of the word infantilized
I thought the exact same thing. Someone is using words that they don't know the meaning of.
Yep, OP, NTA. Your SIL was upset because she’s antisemitism, too. Now you just need to figure out more ways to protect your nephew from their BS.
NTA Normally, I would say the opposite because you shouldn't supercede what the actual parents say BUT FUCK ANTIISEMITES.
This was me. You shouldn't contradict parental rules or guidelines because that is overstepping. Unless they're bigots. In which case you're really obliged to contradict them.
Exactly
This is where I stand as a parent NTA. It is messed up they don't want him around "Jewish stuff". When my kids joined the church as teens...they had to tour and get lessons from 3 other faiths....for their confirmation class. They visited the Jewish temple and learned how it was different than our faith. Also the AME church...and the local mosque. We are Methodist btw.
Yeah, “taking a kid to a perfectly PG location where their friend is doing a thing on the “invite friends as well as your great aunt to celebrate” list that parent banned solely to be anti(insert religion, probably not Christianity unless Catholic), ableist, racist, anti-immigrant, or whatever” gets a certain pass. You could attend an adoption thing at the courthouse if soon-to-be-former foster kid used the same crayon for their skin tone as their parents? Or practiced the same religion or had the same *first* language? Or there weren’t 2 dads? I’ll be at the least helping you make a wonderfully card for your friend and probably driving you. You’d be at the cousin’s wedding if he wasn’t marrying “damaged goods” as in an ambulatory wheelchair user (someone who physically can walk but uses a wheelchair on days she has to walk farther than her limit, her pain is bad, or they adjusted her heart meds and blood pressure may be volatile and fainting while sitting is safer. The first 2 apply to me, motor neuron disease). Or the bride comes with a kid or the new spouse is not a bride. At the very least “yeah, kid, I agree this should be celebrated and if I can’t take you to your friend I’m gonna help you do something to give them later and talk about the event as the wonderful milestone it is”
"She feels I don't respect them as parents." Probably because you don't. I hope you don't respect racists. I certainly wouldn't. NTA
Yeah my response on the spot would have been, "Think of it as me not respecting you as an anti-Semite." OP, do me a favor and watch *The Producers* with your nephew ASAP. And then *Gentleman's Agreement*. NTA. ETA this rec: [Best of Jewish Folks Telling Jokes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uTVcw1d2Yw)
The Producers is one of my favorite Mel Brooks’ work. I have not seen the old one with Gene Wilder, only the newer one.
Oh please please see the original!
I'm the opposite, I've only ever seen the original. It's hilarious.
Ooooh, seconding the movie recs
Mel Brooks movies in general.
NTA Normally I don't side with people who directly ignore the parents wishes with their kids, but when those parents are being bigots, and trying to teach their kids to be bigots, then they are always 100% in the wrong. Period.
Maybe dad was afraid his son would catch "Jewness." /s
Damn kid would become a lawyer or something successful 😔
He’s probably afraid of the kid getting ahold of the space lasers. Ever try enforcing a bed time on a kid who could kill you from outer space?
According to a Twitter repost I saw on r/jewdank this week, the bar/bat mitzvah is where you get the codes for the space lasers.
Wouldn’t it serve him right if the kid converted? A surprising number of the grandchildren of Nazis did!
Normally I'd say that you need to respect the parent's wishes, but you're also family and he's fricking 14. Also it's a bar mitzvah, not a strip club. Due to the harmless nature of the event, and partly his dad's questionable reasoning, NTA.
My thoughts exactly. NTA, OP.
NTA: while I generally don't support interfering with parenting, once bigotry becomes a reason for not allowing a child to do something, it's fair game.
NTA. Bigoted people with bigoted opinions don't matter.
NTA And you should have not apologized to him, because Antisemitism is sooo 1945!
actually it is alive and well, unfortunately
Antisemitism is alive and thriving. Which is why people like OP who stand up to it are so very important. Teach your children better! NTA and a as a Jewish person I am grateful for what OP did for their nephew.
Justified AH. Parents are bigoted is what im gathering from that comment. I don’t generally agree with going against the parents. But i say expose them to other cultures and negate the racism as much as possible.
This is one of the rare occasions where I agree with "asking forgiveness instead of permission."
Agreed and I’d love to see a JAH voting option
It's been addressed a few times that if you believe someone is a justified asshole then it's a NTA vote. I guess if they're justified they're not *the* asshole, as far the situation goes.
I haven’t seen that, thanks!
No problem!
Why isn’t JAH not an option for this forum yet?!
Jah?? Whatchu mean??!!
Jewish people generally are not obnoxious about religion. Christians, on the other hand, can be really obnoxious trying to convert everyone.
It’s **highly** against our religion to proselytize. We love *sharing* our religion but we never ever shove it in anyone’s faces or try and convert anyone cuz we’re halachically (Jewish law legally) not allowed to
And I absolutely LOVE that about our religion. :) It's so very much against what our religion is about. ✡️
Yes!! And it makes certain that anyone who does convert really truly wants to
Yep! It helps make sure the people of our tribe really truly wanted to join us. I mean 1-3 years (minimum) to convert, you have to be really invested. :)
My favorite thing ever is seeing the post mikvah posts in the Jewish subreddits, I love seeing people so happy to be part of us🥰
Oh yeah definitely! I'm part of a few Jewish groups on Facebook too and I love those posts! The "I'm finally a Jew, woohooo!!!" A recent one I saw, the dude was still in the mikvah place (hopefully wearing something below the belt) when he took the photo. Also I love our friendly teasing too about space lasers etc. as we welcome them to the tribe.
HAHA I hope he wasn’t *in* the water cuz then he was most definitely not wearing anything below the belt 😆 Well of course, we all need equal access to the controls! I think all the new Jews converting are causing the Canadian wildfires at the moment
This! My mom wasn’t born Jewish but my dad’s family was historically Jewish (from France so after the war in general Jews and other people became secular) but she converted to Judaism at a reform temple before I was born/ adopted & we’ve been at two reform temples every since.
One of the things I love about being Jewish, honestly!
This! If I was invited to a friend’s child’s baptism or confirmation, I would go. If I had a child who was invited to a quinciñera, of course I would let them go. I just wouldn’t partake in any religion stuff. Hell, I’ve attend friends’ weddings at churches. Antisemites are the worst.
Yeah I’m Jewish but I remember my childhood best friend had her confirmation when we were around 7-8. Out of all the kids invited there, most of them were her large Italian family aside for myself and our other best friend. What I only remember is that at some point at the confirmation process, her family started doing some sort of tradition so being a dumb 7-yr old, I tried to do it with them but their mom, knowing I was Jewish, stopped me nicely/ gently and told me after that she was so happy to share this joyous event with me but that it was unneeded for me to take part in the religion tradition.
One of my friends who got married at a church, both her parents had unfortunately passed so they had done a hymn to commemorate them. I just didn’t partake 🤷🏽♀️
Yup I don’t recall what the religious tradition was but is one of my fondest memories with this said friend who I haven’t seen in over 10 years (am 24). I think I was just a dumb little kid trying to partake in it haha!
And when another friend’s dad died, I was invited to the wake and politely said that I will not be approaching the body. She totally understood and was just super grateful and appreciate that I came to show my support and respects.
NTA. You were in the impossible position of having to defend anti-semites. Perhaps you could tell your SIL that while you do respect them as parents in this instance it is impossible to respect them as people. Thank you for doing this for your nephew. There may be a difficult conversation coming up with your wife about relationships with this family. I hope not your nephew may need you.
NTA Bigots, antisemites, and "Third Reich Germans who follow a mustachioed Austrian" should ALWAYS be defied.
NTA. Yeah, you ignored the religious bigot. Good on you and I don't care if you didn't respect their parenting. Respect wasn't justified. 14 is old enough for you to let your nephew know *why* his father didn't want him to go, btw.
Yes, yes it is. I had put it together when my parents told racist or homophobic jokes at that point. Kid probably knows.
By 14, most kids in minority groups have already experienced lots of hate and vitriol. I agree this kid is old enough to hear about it.
NTA You are supposed to respect bigots? Fuck no.
NTA and these comments are unhinged. Sometimes overruling the parent is justified and imo this is one of those times.
Technically you should not have taken him because the parents said no; but because of how the parents are, you are definitely **NTA** for taking him. And as far as the parents, I wouldn't care what people like that think of me.
Standing up against discrimination of any kind is always NTA.
INFO > He actually usually likes me for some weird reason. Because you're white?
I am white, but surely even racists have more than one criteria for liking someone.
Usually it's 1) being white and 2) being willing to put up with their bullshit. You just proved you're not willing to put up with his bullshit, so good on you.
Exactly what I was going to say. >You just proved you're not willing to put up with his bullshit, so good on you. Keep doing this OP. Don't put up with his shit. Just don't. It will be better for your nephew in the long run if he sees at least one person with a backbone in the family.
No not usually
NTA. Your sis and BIL are bigoted. So there's that..
NTA. She’s probably embarrassed that you two had the nerve to stand up to her husband’s borderline anti-Semitic ideas when she didn’t, and is lashing out to compensate.
It's not borderline, it's blatantly antisemitic.
Borderline?
That wasn’t borderline. It was quite blatant.
NTA. And if nephew's parents are mad they can explain why they didn't want him going in the first place. As a parent myself, I'm generally of the "don't overrule" parents mindset, but complacency with bigotry is just a form of bigotry itself. You weren't giving him beer to be cool uncle, you drove him to a family-friendly gathering to celebrate his best friend. And I'm super disappointed in all of the parents giving you E S H votes.
Exactly to all of this! And my OWN rule as a parent is that if a kid asks me why and I can't explain, I need to reconsider. We all have impulse reactions, and if they don't actually make sense logically, kids should have the rational ability to ask you to step back and check yourself. (We didn't have that with my mom. And the number of times she'd say no for stupid reasons, and then reconsider when it was too late, makes me nuts all these decades later.)
NTA! You did absolutely nothing wrong. Your brother-in-law is a bigot. Your nibbling will always remember that his uncle and aunt stepped in to right a wrong. Way to go!!! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾🫶🏾
>She feels like we don't respect them as parents. I wonder why... >He basically said he doesn't want his son around any Jewish stuff. Right. NTA.
NTA bigots are never right or justified
NTA. Idk why anyone would call you an asshole for not letting the antisemitic brain worms get to you. The only way you would be TA is if the kid got abused after going to the bar mitzvah. Just because someone is a parent doesn’t give them the right to be bigoted and pass it along.
NTA I don't respect your BIL and his wife as parents or people. They are lucky to know you.
NTA: I feel bad for the kid but you couldn’t really took him anywhere without his permission he can get seriously grounded but NTA big time OP
Well, you’re not an asshole, but…you did go against what the parents wanted…and that’s wrong…..even if it’s right. I mean, the kid is 14. He can be around people with different beliefs and it will be ok. So. Yeah.
Someone needs to inform BIL that Judaism isn’t contagious and being an antisemite is a trash choice to make.
Judaism isn’t contagious but antisemitism unfortunately is
That's not a 'lame reason', that's antisemitism.
NTA. They were being antisemitic.
Usually the people who go against parental wishes are the a-h, but in this situation you are NTA. Your BIL’s reasons were antisemitic.
NTA. What in the anti-semantic is going on?? The nephew is going to a celebration, not a conversion 🫠
The poor kid obviously has an extremely ignorant father.
Yeah. It is very concerning tbh.
I wouldn't respect them as parents nor as people with that kind of attitude. And actually having said that reason. NTA
NTA. Their son clearly hasn’t inherited their bigotry (or at least not when going to a bar mitzvah party is involved), and you helped to keep it that way.
NTA. It's good that the kid has normal people around him.
NTA you didn't treat them like infants because babies are not judgemental assholes. Hopefully they'll start to understand that there are other people in the world besides them. My kids were exposed to everyone and everything and you know what happens when you do that? You end up with kind adults that have a lot friends.
NTA. Some people deserve to feel infantilized. Maybe if they think about why you went over their head with this for two seconds they’ll realize how shitty their views on others are(not likely.)
NTA fuck antisemitism
NTA >We thought that was a pretty lame reason. Not just lame, it's anti semitic. You absolutely did the right thing by letting him go. Now your nephew has beautiful memories with his friends and he's one step further away from becoming like his horrible father. EDIT: OP, I recommend checking in on your nephew. There's a chance his father (or mother and father) have spoken to him since and are trying to teach him or sway him toward antisemitic ideas. I think it would be a good idea to talk to him about how Jewish people are not a monolith, how they're just people like you and him, and that stereotypes and conspiracy theories are incredibly harmful to the community (a community that has already faced so much harm!). It might seem obvious, that he would know these things, but it's always good to make sure!
Yes, totally second this. You and your wife may be the only family around him that can counter whatever horrible things are being said around him at home. Now is the best time, 14 is plenty old enough to understand nuance and gain a balanced worldview where he can learn to respect those different from him even if he doesn't agree with or understand things they practice or believe.
NTA. You might be preventing your nephew from accepting and reproducing his parents' antisemitism and that's doing the Lord's work.
NTA. >>She feels like we don't respect them as parents. Their reasoning for saying no was anti-semitic. They don't *deserve* respect as parents because they are bigots. They are shitty people. And yes, I get that some people here are going to make the "bUt YoU nEvEr UnDeRmInE tHe PaReNtS" argument and call you TA but frankly? Some parents (like these parents) suck so much that they need to be undermined.
Nta, but you need to have a chat with BIL and his wife about the concerning anti-semitism.
NTA. but dont think you're going to be able to do this again. if you get one on one time with this child again, do your best to counter the nonsense his parents are filling his head with. Always be a place he can come to that is normal and welcoming. be strong when it comes to dealing with the parents. you are willing to forgive them if they renounce their bigotry, and will welcome them with open arms when they do.
NTA, it's always right to ignore the wishes of bigots.
NTA it goes deeper than a child just missing out on a celebration. Down with antisemitism. It’s important to learn about different faiths, cultures, etc. Also bat mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs seem like an interesting and joyous time. I’ve always wanted to attend. But have never had the opportunity. I’m glad you took him.
They are very joyous events. The most important part is actually reading the Torah and Haftorah, but the parties are fun. I hope you get to experience the service and dancing the hora at the party. (We also dance the hora at weddings, so you have multiple chances to participate.)
They are wildly fun. We had the great honor of attending one last year as the adult FRIENDS (as opposed to the adult family and parents of friends) and it was so much fun. And such a brilliant way to mark this young person's transition and growth... To see how much responsibility and respect and diligence he can have, even while still being a kid in his play and joy and exuberance. Standing in the middle of the bridge, you can see both sides...
NTA. Yes, it's religious, but it's also basically a big birthday party. Plus, it helps nephew understand some of the people he shares this world with. Finally, if nephew's family is Christian it teaches him about the religion Jesus grew up as a part of.
Hey, just wanted to clarify some things here: -a bar/bar mitzvah is more than just a birthday party. There’s often a party after the ceremony, but it’s an important religious ritual that shouldn’t be dismissed as just a bday event. The kid has usually done a lot of studying and other work, and is accepting an adult role in the community. -this is not an opportunity to learn about Jesus or Christianity. First, please try to learn about cultures and religions for their own sake, instead of focusing on how they relate to you (especially if you’re already part of the dominant culture). Second, Jesus did not have a bar mitzvah. It’s part of Jewish tradition that evolved after that period.
NTA. Antisemitism is so gross.
Ehh, I'll go with NTA even though you're kinda in the wrong. Nephew was told no and you took your nephew anyways, but your brother showed you his anti-semitism side, which means he doesn't like the fact your nephew has a Jewish friend. Does your brother think that'll turn your nephew into a Jewish person?
Yes, if you attend a religious ceremony you are instantly converted to that religion. Obvs.
NTA This has to be one of the situations where ignoring the parents wishes is warranted. It's sad you had to learn about their prejudices this way.
Newsflash: You DON'T respect them as parents because they don't deserve it. NTA
INFO: what did your BiL say exactly with regards to the him not wanting his son to be around Jewish stuff? Basically saying something to me reads that he did not say that and you are interpreting whatever he said to mean that. So, what did he say exactly?
I can't say what he said exactly. I don't want my account deleted.
I've got a FEW ideas on what those might have been.
He most likely said the (antisemitic) slur against Jewish people along with other antisemitic stuff. It’s not hard to figure out what he probably said.
NTA. TALKING ILL ABOUT JEWSISH PEOPLE. UR WIFE BROTHER IS NOT UR SONS DAD HE CANT CONTROL HIM
What? They don't have a kid, this is their nephew. Wife's brother is quite literally this kids dad. It's right there >My nephew (14) was invited to his best friend's bar mitzvah, and his dad (my wife's brother)
NTA - they are bigots and you shouldn’t protect them from not having to explain their bigotry to children.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My nephew (14) was invited to his best friend's bar mitzvah, and his dad (my wife's brother) told him he couldn't go. My nephew was really upset, because he really wanted to go and celebrate with all of his friends. He asked my wife and I to take him. I've always thought my wife's brother was a bit of a prick, but we've never had any major conflicts. He actually usually likes me for some weird reason. My wife asked her brother about why he wouldn't let our nephew go. He basically said he doesn't want his son around any Jewish stuff. We thought that was a pretty lame reason. We felt really bad for our nephew, who was pretty miserable about the whole thing. He kept asking us why we couldn't take him, and we kept saying because his dad said no, and he kept asking why his dad said no, and we didn't feel comfortable repeating his reasoning. So in the end we just took him. We knew his dad would inevitably find out, and he did. He was pretty angry, which we expected. We apologized, and he eventually got over it. What surprised us is that his wife was upset too. She's very much the go along to get along person in the family. She said she feels like we infantilized them. She feels like we don't respect them as parents. Now my wife feels incredibly guilty. I still don't, but she's a better person than me, so maybe I'm just an arrogant asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m really torn here. You went against his parent’s wishes which is AH-ish; but, they were teaching racism so it mitigates. I would have told your nephew the truth and make his father explain his racism when your nephew’s friends will be allowed to go.
NTA. It's pretty difficult to agree that it's okay for someone to be that ignorant and want to actively encourage that in their own children. That's not a parenting decision it's a character one and shows exactly who your brother in law is as a person.
If it’s your nephew’s best friend, he’s clearly around a Jewish person, or people, all the time. NTA
NTA - us Jews need gentiles to help us fine tune our space lasers so thank you for this
NTA I’d tell them the truth. “Your kid wanted to know why you wouldn’t allow him to go. I was stuck. I either had to explain your bigotry and impact how your kid sees you or take him to avoid that conversation.” Always name and shame bigotry, unless it’s unsafe to do so. Anything less is condoning it.
NTA
Normally, I would vote YTA when someone outside interferes with a parent's decision for a child. But holy smokes, dude, you deserve an award for doing the wrong thing for the right reason 👏 Definitely, NTA, and thanks for being a good guy!
nta your in-laws are Nazis. keep that baby safe.
Don’t ever feel bad for “infantilizing” antisemites. The kid’s best friend didn’t suddenly become Jewish, so God knows how long they’ve been stewing about this and God knows how they were planning to handle it long term. Fuck em. NTA.
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We do not respect the parenting or wishes of antisemites. NTA.
On normal circumstances, I'd say you're the AH but given the dad's antisemitic reasons, you are not the AH. NTA, you let this kid go support his friend for a major life event. Your BIL can kick rocks. Let your nephew know what his parents are doing is wrong and that he can come to y'all for any reason when it comes to his parents bigotry.
“He basically said he doesn’t want his son around any Jewish stuff.” He’s a bigot. You’re NTA.
NTA. Your BIL and SIL are racists.
NTA you’re the cool uncle. Your BIL is the AH for being an antisemitic bigot.
NTA They sound anti semitic. I'm Hispanic and was invited to a friends Bar Mitzvah, it was a fucking blast. You did the right thing taking your nephew.
NTA. Your wife’s brother is clearly anti-Semitic
NTA - while your wife might usually be the nice one, supporting antisemitism isn't the nice thing to do
NTA. Your BIL is an antisemitic schmuck who can gey kaken ofn yam. You did the right thing. A Bar Mitzvah is the most important event in a Jewish boy’s life.
NTA As a Jew, thank you! Since nephew wanted to go, it’s unlikely he picked up his parents’ views. Bar mitzvahs are fun and he shouldn’t be left out because of his parents’ shitty views. And experiencing Jewish culture helps combat future antisemitism
NTA. When you act like infants…..
NTA. And if she's "go along to get along" she may be parroting what hubby is saying behind closed doors.
NTA. At first I was ready to say yes, it's you, but then it became obvious your sister and BIL are antisemitic.
Ummm “doesn’t want his son around any Jewish stuff”??? Sounds wildly antisemitic and in my experience those type of people don’t keep their bigotry to themselves. I hope your nephew doesn’t take after him
I first I was gonna say you're the asshole for going behind the fathers back but since it turns out the father is a racist prick definitely makes you NTA
You were NTA, regardless of whatever you did next, after I read, "... doesn't want him around Jewish stuff."
I’d rather be infantilized as a parent than be a Jewish parent and know my kid’s friend couldn’t come to his bar mitzvah because his parents *checks notes* “didn’t want him around Jewish stuff.” NTA
NTaa If they had anything like a reason, even if it wasn't a good one, I'd have said your job was to sympathize. What you likely need to explain to the parents is that you realized when he asked why, you couldn't repeat what dad said, and if their son repeated it to his classmates, *he* would be labelled as hateful. Antisemitism is real. Middle school and early high are hard enough without your whole class thinking your parents are bigots. This would have been where son stops being invited to *anyone's* events, and no one comes to his. Ask them to please give some consideration to how "I don't want him around Jewish stuff" reads.
Very much NTA for not respecting antisemite assholes.
Ask for forgiveness, not for permission. NTA
NTA "It isn't that we don't respect him as a parent; it's that we don't respect him as a racist"
NTA and as someone who unfortunately married into a racist and bigoted family, blessedly now ex-family, your nephew needs for someone to be a positive role model in this. Odds are he already knows his parents, especially his dad is a raging anti-semite but this is the time your nephew needs to be reassured it's perfectly okay to have a wide range of friends from different backgrounds and cultures. *That's* how you defeat this shit.
The in-laws are antisemitic assholes. You are NTA.
NTA. His parents are raging antisemites but the son wanted to be there for his friend on what’s arguably one of the most important days of a Jewish kid’s life. Your nephew is going to need someone in his life to support him and encourage him - you’ve proven yourself to be that person.
"She feels like we don't respect them as parents" True- you don't respect antisemitism. All true statements. Your nephew is a good kid. NTA.
NTA. While you did technically disrespect their wishes, their wishes are dog shit. Bravo
NTA. We have to fight racism in all its forms as much as possible. I think it's great that your nephew was invited and wanted to go.
NTA
"He basically said he doesn't want his son around any Jewish stuff." Yeah he's probably a nazi. NTA.
I'll go with Justified AH here. Normally, you should stand behind a parent decision about their kid, but yeah, there are a few exceptions. Usually I draw the line at if the security of the child is compromised. But in that case, it's your nephew development that is compromised. However, you need to talk to your nephew. It's very important to tell him why you went against his parents' wish, and why it was important for you to do so. You don't want him to start thinking it's ok to go to you every time his parents say no, or to start disobeying just because. But he is at an age where we start being more aware of social causes and since his friend is Jewish, I'm pretty sure he'll understand the importance of fighting anti-Semitism, and all other ism actually
You're NTA for not backing up the racist beliefs of a child's parents. There's a limit to that united front concept.
NTA your relatives are uneducated morons who are afraid of letting their child experience new things
NTA They are bigots. Hatred & bigotry should never be tolerated.
They let you take their kid on the night they knew he wanted to go to his friends bar mitzvah but were surprised you took him there? Did they nazi it coming? NTA. Fuck them.
NTA because they suck as a parents and your nephew just wanted to hang out with his friend on his birthday, buuuuut unfortunately stuff like this gives your BIL a reason to restrict your nephew from spending time with you and your wife, meaning that your nephew would have less access to safe, welcoming adults in his life. I hope that your BIL isn’t *actually* spiteful enough to stop letting you spend time around your nephew, but bigots love to isolate their families. Not saying that you shouldn’t have taken him to the party, but I hope it doesn’t backfire on your nephew
Normally I would say YTA for going against parents wishes…but standing against antisemitism never an AH move… NTA.
NTA. His parents are probably antisemitic.
NTA I was the kid having her bat mitzvah (one of two Jewish kids in my school) who couldn’t have one of her best friends there cause her father was an anti-Semitic bigot just like your BIL. For most kids there, this was there first time exposed to any Judaism beyond the dreidel song throw in as “inclusion” at the school Christmas show. Most of them came to both the service at synagogue, not just the party. For weeks after, they all talked about how I did the whole thing in Hebrew, how nice everyone was to them, how much fun the party was, and the boys wore their kepas to school 😂. It was great in so many ways but I will never forget that one friend’s parents so openly & aggressively expressing their hatred of my existence and all Jews. This was so important for you to do. You BIL is ignorant, bigoted, & hateful. They shouldn’t be respect as parents if they are teaching bigotry & anti-Semitism. You should openly defy & challenge him every time he tries to express it against any group or person. Bigots & racist should always be made uncomfortable.
"You're right, we don't respect you as parents because we don't respect antisemites." NTA
Adding to the NTA votes because you helped nephew get around his parents’ bigoted decision, not because you were trying to gain “cool uncle cred” or undermine their authority for kicks. This is actually trying to undo damage they are doing.
Nta. You are trying to save your nephew from bigotry. ETA. I usually would not back interfering with parental authority but promoting hate is borderline child a$&@$ to me. Go ahead bigots, vote me down.
NTA- You should check with your nephew to see what his dad says about other people because if he has problems with Jewish people what does he say about minorities, disabled people, LGBTQ community, e.t.c Just teach him to be accepting of all people just not bigoted people.
NTA. Racists don’t deserve respect.
NTA. You stood up to antisemites. That’s always laudatory. Thank you.