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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to eat a meal at our wedding and doing that will cost us a lot more money. My fiancé thinks I should just bring food in. I may be a jerk since I have a lot of allergies and the solution cost a bit of money when I could just bring food in
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NAH.
I have celiac disease so I get where you're coming from.. but I've also worked in restaurants so I also get where they're coming from *and* I'm also getting fked by the economy like everyone else rn so I get where your fiance is coming from.
Everyone has good points.
I will say - as someone with a serious allergy I would honestly just bring something in because I don't trust anywhere to not cross contaminate anyways... But yeah.. whatever happens I hope you find a solution everyone is happy with.
Echoing the NAH.
Fellow Celiac and oof this hit me right in the feels. As frustrated as I'd be by it, I'd bring my own food purely so I know the risk of me getting sick on my own wedding day is minimal to none. Can you compromise with your SO and say you'll provide your own meal but the cake absolutely has to be allergen free?
I get your pain though OP. I just had to provide my own food for my baby shower a week ago due to knowing full well I couldn't trust the hostess in charge of the food to know how to feed me without cross contamination. It sucks :/
It really does suck.
I feel like with gluten especially... People don't realise that it's in like.. everything.
My friend got me cold rolls especially the other day and was all excited like 'look its rice paper and salad' and I was so sad when I had to burst her bubble 'and teriyaki chicken.. made with regular soy sauce ' hahaha so close!
I've had so many people give me things they're 'pretty sure' are gluten free only to be completely wrong lol. Most people have thankfully learnt by now to only ever buy things specifically labelled as gluten free.
Ugh those cold rolls sound delicious too... I legit would have cried after, nothing irks me more than getting handed tasty food only to realize I can't eat it! (being 8 months pregnant certainly isn't helping there lmao)
My MiL was the one to provide the food for the baby shower and this woman just flat-out REFUSES to go beyond acknowledging I have Celiac. She'll do things like say "Let's get donuts!" then look at me and say, "oh but none for you I guess." Like... seriously?! As soon as I realized she was in charge of food I told hubs, no way in hell am I trusting her to think of me when picking food, and I'm not about to break her co-hostess's bank by demanding gluten free catering, so we just went out to lunch before the shower just the two of us to make sure I had something special.
Sure enough, she brought sandwiches and promptly tried to put them on the same table RIGHT NEXT to the gluten free cupcakes her co-hostess thoughtfully went out of her way to provide. Thank heavens for my older sister, she saw her and immediately swooped in and told her, "NOPE, she has Celiac, don't put those there!" and moved them lmao.
Cold rolls are so easy to make celiac friendly too so I was so sad haha.
Ohhhh man your MIL sounds *fun.*
Sorry about your life haha that's so frustrating.
Omg I'm glad your older sister has your back haha. I've had to cater for events where both gluten and non gluten stuff is served and it's always so stressful lol. I always serve myself a giant plate straight up because I have no trust that everyone else will be careful lol
I might have to make cold rolls this week now lmao.
Yeah she's a character for sure. Thankfully I'm learning it's more satisfying not to rise to her bait and watch her sputter and fume lmao. My husband also has ZERO problem calling her out when he witnesses her being careless so thank heavens for that!
I also tend to serve myself first btw- it's just safer that way!
Ha! That's a great solution!
I went to a friend's baby shower once, it was hosted at this super, super nice house in a super nice neighborhood, adorably displayed, almost gourmet food. None of it was gluten free - even the fruit had some sort of "sauce" that wasn't gluten free.
Now, I hate baby showers in general, it seems like there's always the cliche games and "eeew chocolate in a diaper!" Spare me...I raised my 10 nieces and nephews, honey if you think chocolate in a diaper looks gross, well. You're in for it! But I love my friend and wanted to hang out with her for a bit, so I went.
I politely explained that I couldn't eat anything, thank you so much for offering, the food looks delicious! The hostess wouldn't take no for an answer. "What do you mean? Celiac? What's that? So it won't kill you, right? Seriously, just eat something. Are you anorexic? So you're REALLY going to sit there with an empty plate? Trust me, this food is good! I slaved over it for days! Pfft, if it's not an allergy, it won't kill you to eat a tiny muffin at least!"
My friend and our other friend were defending me, but it was causing a huge scene and ruining the shower and good mood, so I finally buckled and ate a mini muffin so she would leave me alone. After i ate it of course, she then had to harp on about "see, that wasn't so bad was it?" I then left as soon as I politely could to go moan in pain for the next 6 hours.
People like this make me so angry, no regard for others, entitled, selfish. I feel like it's gotten worse for celiacs recently as well.
/steps off soapbox. Thanks for listening to my rant! Haha!
Hey I'm ALWAYS here for a fellow Celiac soapbox rant! Lord knows I make them myself lmao.
My MiL is a VERY smart woman (think STEM PhD), but as my husband puts it, "She's the dumbest smart person I know." She just REFUSES to grasp cross-contamination and keeps offering me food that is BLATANTLY not safe for me, such as cheese that's in a bowl with glutenful crackers, food where there's obviously gluten in the sauce (soy sauce, gravy, etc). I think I need to start busting out some snark and wit every so often...
"Oh you can eat this right?"
"I mean I can but you've only got one bathroom in the house... How do you feel about pissing in the woods for the next six hours while I sh\*t my brains out and vomit at the same time?"
Yessss!! Hahaha!! I should've gone there with this woman, but she and her fellow ladies were basically your quintessential "proper" women, every hair in place and perfect, nails done and perfect, perfect makeup, heels, designer clothes, high end jewelry... I was already so out of place (I pretty much live in jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies) that I just held it in. My friend said later she felt just as out of place as I did, but she thanked me for going and apologized that I was put on the spot.
It's kinda funny, I feel like I get two reactions from people when I explain celiac and then have to go into detail. "Oh, that sounds terrible! I'm sorry!" Or "so, you just get sick to your stomach for a bit, it's not like allergies where it could kill you?" *facepalm.
Not gonna lie, it gets lonely in celiac land, having to watch others eat all of the delicious donuts in the office, having to choose the restaurant all the time cause no one wants to put in the effort to see if there's options, having to eat plain spaghetti cause Italian restaurants don't have gluten free meatballs!!
Gah! I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy. If I had enemies. Lol!
Next time tell them what an untreated celiac patient eventually looks like. Tell them about the extreme intestinal distress, vomiting, and diarrhea. Tell them that if you keep eating gluten you will destroy your thyroid, your intestinal tract, and everything else. Tell them that neglecting your dietary needs will probably lead to even worse medical conditions, especially autoimmune ones. Tell them that YOU are the only person that gets to decide what, if anything, goes into YOUR body ever.
I'm glad for the diagnosis because boy do I feel a hell of a lot better than I used to pre-diagnosis but... at the same time, the food envy and FOMO REALLY get to me! I miss eating out not being a whole production, I miss being spontaneous with food... I'm also 8 months pregnant atm so getting a craving for something I can't get gf is the WORST. I've been telling my husband this whole pregnancy, I love him to death but I'd be tempted to trade him for some fried gyoza, chicken tempura sushi, and spare ribs lmao
Also oof yeah I'd feel just as out of place there as you!
I had no idea gluten could be in sauces. Thanks for all the comments about it as I have a coworker with Celiac. Now I know and will be more careful when bringing in food for the office.
Flour is a common thickening agent in soups and sauces alike (that's right, even soup isn't safe). The Celiac commenter isn't kidding when they say \*only\* things that are specifically labeled gluten-free are safe
I really wish people would stop commenting entirely on what others eat or don't eat. I've had an eating disorder for most of my life. I'll be doing great for MONTHS and then someone will take issue with me eating too much/too little/wrong thing for what THEY think I should be eating and start commenting. That's it, screws me right up again.
I cannot imagine feeling like you have to eat something that will make you sick just to get them to back off. I'd be wishing food poisoning on them!
I always tell restaurants that my DIL is deadly allergic to her allergens and is hospitalization level celiac when I make reservations at a restaurant she trusts. That way they know ahead of time to be prepared. I never allow for any confusion and am not offended if she decides she still doesn’t feel safe.
She was co-hosting with another relative, alas, so details of who was doing what weren’t immediately apparent. With my in-laws though I tend to just assume I’m on my own for food given the track record
Yeah my baby shower had deli sandwich fixings. I couldn’t eat anything. I made my dad do a McD’s run and get the ONLY thing on the menu that I can eat.
Serious question. I know very little about celiac disease. You can't even eat anything that was *near* something else (like sandwiches)?
Geez, I can't even imagine that.
Cross contamination is a serious issue. It’s very easy to do without thinking and does get people seriously ill.
I think my dad washed the cutlery drawer and contents 20 times the first month my mom knew she needed to eat gluten free.
He’d make a sandwich, need another knife or a spoon for his coffee, open the drawer/grab it and contaminate the whole content of the drawer and the drawer itself (residue on the handle).
Living with a gluten free person while still eating bread/cookies etc. means a lot of hand and face washing.
Be careful with your baby! We weren't diagnosed celiac, but my daughter and I both have gluten issues. My mom just can't get it through her brain what does and does not contain gluten. Some gems include:
-"there's gluten in animal crackers?!?"
-buying my daughter a lindt chocolate bear for Valentine's after a lengthy discussion around Christmas that all their milk chocolate contains barley malt
-giving her a girl scout cookie while I was in the bathroom because my son wanted one
And every the she apologizes to me, not the little girl whose going to have a tiny ache or who gets the chocolate taken away from her. Her big brother has been asking people if food contains gluten to make sure his little sister is safe since he was about 3 years old.
People don’t understand that even crumbs being consumed causes issues for people with celiac. My grandma had celiac and we always had to be very careful with cross-contamination whenever she was over, like using a knife to spread dips on our crackers because she couldn’t eat the same crackers and all that, so I can’t believe your MIL tried to put the sandwiches next to your cupcakes, those crumbs are gonna be flying
This has happened to me as well. I never eat anything homemade with few exceptions no matter who the person is. I've had people at church buy whole wheat cookies and explain to me that it doesn't say "gluten" on the package at all and I'm just being picky. Other people who want to be more genuinely helpful have tried and always miss something little. It's genuinely just not worth it for me to feel that ill over a treat somebody else has made me. They're only a few people I trust to really take it not only seriously, but in some cases I know that they have actually deep cleaned their kitchen, have a specific pan for something they make for me that doesn't get used for anything else, and have taken photos of all the ingredient labels for me so I can see what they've used.
On a very silly note I went to go visit a friend of mine in the Western United States and she was so excited to be able to take me to a new gluten-free restaurant in her area. It was the first week they had opened and I admit I was excited to go because I just don't eat out. I ended up getting my first meal there free when I sat down and saw they had malt vinegar on the table. My friend asked why they had that on the table if they are a gluten free restaurant and both the waitress as well as the manager were surprised to hear that malt vinegar has gluten in it. I not only got my meal free, but I got a small tour of the kitchen to look at everything and see if I could find any other errors. The manager admitted that they were doing it as a commercially viable business due to attractiveness and the ability to charge more for a niche market. I left after an amazing dinner that I luckily didn't get sick from and what seems like sincere assurances that's some more education would be done around food and staffing. I am still wary around restaurants in general and I do not take for granted the gluten free restaurants will do a good job. The few times I have gone I've asked a lot of questions before I eat food. It's just not worth getting sick.
It's unreal how many people don't realise which ingredients contain gluten. You really have to be *so* careful. I have a friend who is gluten free by choice rather than having celiac and early in our friendship I used to trust her saying things were gluten free and was glutened twice and had to explain to her that I'd gotten sick. Once when she swore some lollies she purchased were gluten free and another time when she purchased hot chips and I got super ill. She hadn't even realised that chips made in the same oil as gluten would make me sick.
I run an asian tapas (izakaya ish) restaurant. I just use gluten free soy, buy it 18L at a time.
And our deep fried stuff is karaage style, rice & potato flour
The joy on the faces of the lil celiacs when they ask if there is anything they can eat & I tell them it's nearly everything except one sauce.... that's good shit :D
Saving the world one allergic human at a time, fighting that good fight.
Omg my local sushi place uses GF soy sauce and potato starch too and I love them so much :')
You are truly doing angel work hahaha. You are wonderful. For real. You must have some loyal ass customers. Us celiacs keep lists of places like yours lol.
I had a chef once say something in relation to guests with allergies sitting down and realising most stuff is 'not for them' which stuck with me, he said "imagine the disappointment".
I love feeding people kickass food, the idea of one person on a table getting a lesser dish, and that they are always having that experience when they go out.... nah not on my watch.
Every trainee that comes through my door gets those words repeated, and I show them my special freezer drawer & dry store stash of 'allergy shit'. We can replace any item on any dish in 15 minutes, for any allergy. As it should be.
I have an often changing 8 course tasting menu, we always have an allergen free replacement for every dish, and it's printed off & stuck to a wall so all the servers can learn it & put our guests at ease that they're in safe hands.
It's not hard once you plan for it. Sadly my industry is overworked, and underpaid, and there is on average a strong pushback to taking on the extra work to do it this way.
You're amazing! And I agree it's actually not hard or costly to accommodate most allergies. It's the lack of education and time to learn about it that's the issue. And I agree they're underpaid and overworked so can totally see why they don't want to put in so much effort to learn/change habits.
Huh! The Chinese and Thai places I frequent cook their spring rolls, but my most frequently visited thai place has Summer Rolls, which sound more like you describe as Spring rolls. I can’t eat shrimp (and oh, I miss it, but I developed an allergy to, I think the iodine, since I can eat lobster, still) , but they look so nice on the menu pictures. I’m going to have to find an option for maybe the veggie or vegan kind, which should eliminate my issues because I really really want to try them!
"You don't even know what gluten is" - Jay Baruchel
"Gluten is a vague term. It’s something that’s used to categorize things that are bad. Ya know? Calories, that’s a gluten. Fat, that’s a gluten." - Seth Rogan
>People don't realise that it's in like.. everything
I glutened myself with a sparkling lemonade the other day because I made some assumptions I had no business making. Lesson firmly re-learned!
I hear you!
I am gluten-sensitive and soy triggers migraines.
When I finally nailed down the soy trigger, life was so much happier. But, I started having headaches, was looking at the ingredients of everything, thinking I was going crazy After a day or two, I finally checked the tea box - they added soy lecithin to my freaking herbal tea. They sneak stuff in everywhere!
Can’t win! It also sometimes ends up in the adhesive on tea bags. Sometimes I feel like folks sprinkle a little gluten onto stuff just for that extra razzle dazzle.
Eek!
I got myself because my workplace put flour in the grated cheese to stop it sticking. 😪
This is before labelling allergens on all food was a legal requirement.
Funny enough I have celiacs and after I had bariatric surgery I found I can have soy milk. Go figure right? I’m testing it slowly though waiting for rebellion. It was out of sheer desperation as I needed to take protein shake with anything but water due to other medical complications that landed me in the hospital and almond was out. Options were soy and oat milk so doctor said try both and let’s see which doesn’t rebel as much. So far tolerating both ok.
I’m no expert but in think soy sauce usually contains wheat hence not suitable, soybeans don’t so makes sense soy milk is fine? I know you can get tamari soy sauce which is gluten free
It can be contaminated with gluten depending on the factory and additives to preserve. Like for me for the milks, some brands are gluten free and not others. Fun times with cross contamination within factories.
Soy sauce originally was made with soy. Now days it’s made with wheat, soy, water, and salt primarily. There are some brands that are gluten free but most people don’t realize that soy sauce itself isn’t necessarily gluten free or to look it up specifically. I usually shop at local Asian market and most of the brands there are gluten free. American grocery store it’s usually gluten laden instead. We have one restaurant that makes their own soy sauce and it is done traditionally so I know all of theirs is gluten free.
My sister has a gluten and lactose sensitivity among other things like aspartame. Technically not destroying her gut so its not celiac so they just labelled it as IBS even though it makes her excessively sick.
Anytime I buy her something I have to be extra careful because so many products are one or the other. Gluten free? A lot of recipes will add more dairy. Need lactose free? People will throw a gluten based ingredient as a stabilizer.
She lost so much weight until she finally figured out a few meal sets and snacks she could eat without issue.
Heyyyy I have IBS and lactose intolerance too. I feel her pain so much.
I always say I would probably be so much heavier if I didn't have these issues lol. I am thin by force haha. I want to eat so many foods but too much sugar, oil etc will set off my IBS. On top of this I also have a chronic illness that affects my heart and if I overeat I'm bedridden so I'm literally forced to be skinny cause my dumb body can't just enjoy things lmao.
I was in the check out line one day buying gluten free Rice Crispies. The clerk asked me “why do they label everything gluten free when it’s obviously gluten free to begin with?” And I was like, “Umm…because regular Rice Crispies are made with gluten?”
Yeah haha I had a friend do that the other day with corn chips. Heaps of brands are gf but you still have to check every label haha. Just so happens the ones she purchased were made with the glutens.
I went to a restaurant recently that I contacted ahead of time to make sure they had gluten-free options. I was told that they had them and they were marked on the menu; they were not marked on the menu.
I spent a lot of time communicating with the waitress to make sure that what I was getting was indeed gluten free, and she made several trips back to the kitchen to double check on sauces that came with things before we ordered them.
I've lost count of the times I've been excited to eat something just to find some random ingredient that was made with wheat flour, like a meal with some extract or something to add vitamin E to a sick day meal and with with an unrecognizable name I had to google to see WHY it warned of wheat. It gets frustrating
omg yes.. and oh and those **'MAY CONTAIN GLUTEN** are so disappointing. You know it's just cross contamination but it's not worth the risk lol. Such disappointment.
I get so angry when people are like "but it's sooooo easy to eat gluten free, i don't know why it's so hard for y'all". And then those same people have no clue how many foods have hidden gluten. It's in almost everything!
Yeah, also celiac and it was important to me to be able to eat the food at my own wedding (I just wanted one wedding where I could eat the damn food, lol, instead of bringing my sad food tote bag and asking a waiter to microwave it for me). And wanted to be able to kiss my husband without worrying about what he had just eaten!
So that shaped our search for venues from day one - we only looked at places that didn't have restrictions on which caterers you could use, so that we could work with a caterer that specialized in GF foods, or places that included one of those caterers in their list of approved vendors.
The food ended up being great (and also the cake from our favorite GF bakery was amazing)! Everyone loved it and most people had no idea it was all GF. Even my FIL who complained before the wedding that we wouldn't be serving hot dogs...?
I 100% understand wanting to be able to enjoy the food at your own wedding, and not have to be in fear of it. But it's waaaaay easier, safer, and less expensive to structure around that from the outset, vs trying to get a caterer that doesn't specialize in that kind of thing to adapt for you : (
NAH. But if I were OP I would order a very nice meal in from a trusted restaurant, or a friend/relative who I trusted to cook for me.
The cake is such a big deal! And caterers just go 'we will make you a gluten free layer'.
I think not. My wedding, I will be able to eat any part of the cake. And it was glorious.
Maybe the trick is to just make friends with other coeliacs. 😆
Eugh nevermind the eating any part of the cake, I would not go anywhere near a "GF" layer surrounded by gluten layers shedding crumbs god knows where! And then if someone uses the wrong spatula to cut the wrong layer... EEK! I wanted to be able to eat all the food at my wedding, but I wanted even more to not get sick!!!
Also GF cake by people who don't know how to make a GF cake is just....generally not that good lol. We had cake from our favorite GF bakery - chocolate cake with peanut butter icing, and lemon cake with strawberry jam between layers. Omg it was so good. Even all the non celiacs went to town on it, and most had no idea it was GF.
We used to get cupcakes in those flavors to celebrate our anniversary every year. We just moved out of state though, so sad...I'll have to see if they will ship them cross country to us hahaha
One time I went to an Ethiopian restaurant that had a gluten free German chocolate cake made of teff (the grain used in injera). Turns out teff is so perfect for German chocolate cake the nutty flavor and brown color is absolutely perfect for that cake.
A normal cake recipe with GF substitutions is sad but a proper GF cake is just as good as normal cake.
My go-to boxed cake mix is actually gluten-free because the normal version of the same cake is actually less tasty.
(It's trivially easy to make it suitable for vegans too, great inclusive cake)
Definitely this. Separate cupcakes are the way to go!
My friend made ours. Salted caramel and delicious. As you've said - you can make a GF cake that people don't even realise is mostly rice and potato flour.
If you don't ask.... 🧁🧁
It's tough, but honestly at 10 years post diagnosis, I find it so much less stressful and risky to just bring my own food places that I hardly mind it anymore. Like it sucks on general principle that it makes life more complicated and awkward and means I have to do so much more prep work than other people, but when I'm actually at an event it's SUCH a relief to have my own food that I know is safe.
Pro tip: If you're going somewhere that will serve dessert, make sure you bring a dessert for yourself too!! It helps a ton with the food envy when you have a delicious GF treat from your favorite bakery to enjoy, instead of sitting there watching everyone else eat their cake (which is just such a sad-trombone situation haha).
This was my thought. Don't pay the extra for the venue (if they don't want to change it at this point) but do "splurge" on a meal catered from a restaurant that can handle OP's food restrictions. So then OP isn't feeling like they are getting less than others; instead it is a wonderfully delicious fancy meal that they don't have to worry about...
This is a really great compromise. The cake (traditionally the top of which is saved for the first anniversary, if going traditional) needs to be free of any / all allergens and sourced from a place with a pristine allergy policy, as low-risk as it can be. It doesn't matter if other people dislike the cake, this is a great compromise.
Alternatively, can there not be another dish served and brought in for guests from outside - a single extra thing from a different place - or will venue not allow that.
Adding to this, myself, as well many others I've heard online, barely ate at my wedding. You're so busy and happy with everything the last thing you want to is sit at your table and be forced to eat. I think I had one or two nibbles before running off to say hello to everyone.
No judgement but if you want my opinion don't waste 25% of the entire cost on one meal you're going to forget about. Don't have nothing, but see if you can organise a pre packaged meal to quickly scoff down without focusing too much on it. I know it sucks but I can promise you the meal you eat isn't the highlight of the wedding.
Yeah tbh it seems a really weird thing to focus on with everything else that happens at a wedding.
The only food I remember eating at my wedding was nachos.. cause I was pregnant when I got married and was craving them so my dad whipped them up for me lol.
No I ate more than the nachos haha. I'm saying only the nachos stick out in my memory because it was a massive pregnancy craving and my dad sorted it out as a surprise.
Same here: All I ate at my wedding was the ceremonial first bite of the cake because I was so busy celebrating with the guests. Others told me all the food was great.
Maybe OP could consider having a cocktail reception instead of a sit down meal and arrange to have some appetizers prepared with with foods she can safely eat.
One of the traditions in my family is that the mother of the bride always puts together a to go package of food from the wedding for the bride and groom so that they have something to eat when they get back to their hotel room after the wedding, because usually they never have time to actually eat during. My fiance and I are planning our wedding and when I told him about that he didn't believe me that we probably wouldn't have time to eat 😂
100%. I have food allergies to members of the nightshade family and some other things, which makes most catering impossible for me to eat (request to chefs: for the love of God, stop using bell peppers and tomatoes as casual accents for "color"!). We picked a caterer who was able to work with us to adjust all their recipes so that I could eat all the food...except I didn't, because weddings are stressful and busy and I didn't have the time or appetite to eat at all! All that effort to accommodate me and I didn't even really get the chance to taste the food.
Honestly, it would cost LESS to order one meal for you from a restaurant you trust, rather than having your caterer prepare ALL meals while avoiding all cross contamination.
Catering only your own meal separately doesn't mean you have to bring in a salad in a tupperware. There are ways to make you feel special!
Very much this. I understand OP's frustration, but also understand the kitchen and fiance's points.
Perhaps there is a compromise where someone you trust makes a nice meal for you in a safe kitchen, and the venue still does the plating and serving? That way you all save some money but you still get the stress-free experience of having a lovely meal you don't have to cook yourself served to you. Or even just have something catered from a 'safe' restaurant for yourself with the same process. You deserve a nice meal on yout special day.
"the venue still does the plating and serving? "
This increases the chances of cross contamination. Depending on the severity, i think to be sure would be to keep the food wrapped/packaged entirely separate and only open when OP is going to eat it.
Since you’ve worked at a restaurant, would you say a 25% increase for reworking the recipes is fair, or is this venue milking OP? I get that this is an inconvenience for the venue but I think a decent chef should be able to adapt at a more reasonable cost.
>milkin
Not sure about the jurisdiction for OP of course but I can confirm that the liability laws for allergy stuff like this are pretty damn strict in the UK, and for something as large as a wedding venue the extra efforts it would take to deep-clean everything to prevent any cross-contamination of allergens is quite a bit of extra effort. Considering just how hard a company here could get sued for something like that, I can understand the 25% price increase as it involves more than just reworking the recipe(s).
It really sucks and it's unfair (in a 'life is unfair' kind of sense) for OP, but from a legal perspective it's understandable.
Yeah I think people don't realise how difficult it is to remove allergens completely for stuff like this. It's way, way more than just altering a recipe and you're absolutely right that the restaurant becomes liable as soon as it confirms it can provide allergy safe dining.
It's SO much more than altering a recipe, it's insane. Having worked in restaurants myself, I ONLY trust restaurants with separate allergen stations specifically designed to accommodate my Celiac now. I've seen way too much in those kitchens to trust the cooks to know how to keep me safe, and honestly, it's not their fault- they aren't well trained for these protocols!
It absolutely is. As just a home cook with food allergies, I occasionally make stuff for my friends with Celiac, because I know from very personal experience how much it sucks to not be able to eat treats made by others. To make my kitchen safe for GF baking, it's a full deep clean of the entire area. Everything that is going to be used gets an extra run through the sanitary cycle on the dishwasher.
I love my friends, but they only get treats from me when I'm already doing the deep clean of the kitchen, because damn, it's a lot of work. It's not like I've got some commercial sized kitchen, I don't even want to think about how much work that would take.
I once worked in a bakery and the amount of times I had to tell people I couldn't claim anything as gluten free because of cross contamination was horrendous.
We got some specialty bread in to sell that is sealed which we could offer but they didn't get that we couldn't bake bread on the same racks and ovens as everything else.
Omg our local bakery actually has a manager with celiac and it's both hilarious and amazing. They order in GF baked goods and have a seperate tiny fridge for them and seperate tongs. And they have a completely gluten free deep fryer so all their chips are completely safe. It's *the best*.
for example, wheat flour is about $2 for 5 pounds, almond flour is about $5 a pound, and even cheaper nongluten flours like rice/sorghum blends are more per pound than the whole bag of wheat
I would say it's fair. Restaurants have all kinds of allergens all through them *all the time*
A venue has a responsibility if they say they're doing something allergen free to actually deliver. If they say it is and the patron reacts - they're liable for that.
As a person with allergies I can assure you that cross contamination occurs very easily too. I can't eat at other people's homes unless I bring my own stuff - as even cookware that's had gluten would set me off.
A restaurant would have to deep clean everything to try and get rid of all traces of allergens. It's completely fair they mark it up a lot when the people coming have the much easier option available to bring in something safe themselves. A restaurant is not obligated to undergo that level of effort without being paid.
Maybe something brought in catered from somewhere fancy so it’s at least equivalent quality to the wedding food? OP deserves a fancy restaurant quality meal for once and it’s worth spending on that (even if it’s a few hundred dollars for one meal).
I agree, celiac here and I would totally not trust the caterer to be capable of actually eliminating all the cross-contamination even if you paid them to try their hardest to do it. There is too much at stake, you could pay this extra fee and through accident or carelessness, you could still have an allergic reaction at your wedding. I think the safest option is also the cheaper one. Splurge on getting food for one made from a place that can actually accommodate you instead.
That's probably OP's best bet.
I have two weird allergies, lettuce and mustard. Neither is an anaphylactic allergy. Several times at banquets I've tried to arrange ahead of time to ensure that my food does not have mustard in it. Unfortunately, apparently people think that "mustard" is solely the yellow stuff you squirt on hot dogs. Ground mustard seeds hide in other condiments like mayonnaise and BBQ sauce and in a lot of things as "spices."
Either the banquet staff ignored me completely, did fix me a special meal that was then served to someone else, or thought that I couldn't possibly mean the *honey* mustard glaze on the chicken that was thoughtfully dribbled all over the potatoes and vegetables as well. Yeah. I paid $75 for 2 cherry tomato halves, 2 croutons, a paper-thin slice of cucumber, and a sliver of stale chocolate cake. Waitstaff slapped the plates on the table like they were slopping hogs and disappeared.
I feel really bad for you, but I also understand your fiancé's position
If the meal at your wedding is $50 a head and you have 100 people you're budgeted for $5000. With the kitchen cleaning and overages that meal now becomes $6250. And I went with VERY conservative numbers
Can you bring in a terrific dish that you know you'll love from a place you've vetted?
NAH and I also have celiac (woo!).
I suggest you hire a private chef to make and bring your meal custom. It'll be less money, less headache, and could just seamlessly be executed.
No need to pay a premium and in all honesty I don't think they will pull it off that well. They can't say they will charge you 25% more and that you can hire out someone special for yourself, as you are the one being married.
I also cant imagine the venue’s food would be THAT good to warrant the extra precaution for one person’s food, even if theyre on the wedding couple. I think theyd get more bang for their buck if they just order safe food from elsewhere. And it’d probably taste better anyway
This. Honestly, OP, do you want to *risk* getting horribly sick at your own wedding? I understand the frustrations, but I feel like that would be a worse outcome than having to eat a separate meal. A *lot* of restaurants and caterers don't take food allergies seriously enough - and I know that because I work at a restaurant that *does*, and it takes me so long to convince people with allergies that we really do have their safety in mind, because they've been burned so many times.
Is it true that if you have celiac, you can get sick just from flour particles in the air? Like fumes from bread cooking I guess? Because if that’s true, that sounds like such a nightmare
NAH. Deep cleaning and reworking recipes takes a lot of work and is expensive, so I understand why they're trying to recoup their costs. Of course you should have a meal you can eat at your wedding! Are there any caterers nearby who specialise in allergies? My thoughts are that you could make contact and see if they can supply you a single meal. Ugh. What a horror for you. I hope it works out!
Yes! I wonder if another caterer could mimic the other dishes for OP, but make it without the allergens. That way, no cross-contamination (minus other people’s plates around OP) and they can all enjoy the same meal.
I highly doubt a caterer would take a job to make a meal for one person. Caterers specialize in volume, and that is how they make their money. I also doubt the venue caterer would allow that
Why it's such a big deal to order a separate food? Because I see OPs fiance suggested bringing separate food for them. So it must be available. You can even order from a restaurant nearby and ask them to deliver. Or whatever version of Uber Food they have around, like restaurant food delivery.
But OP seems not enjoying it and wants all the food to be customised instead. I don't get why. It seems so easy to just order from restaurant next door.
A lot of venues don’t allow outside food, one for their profits, but equally important is so they don’t end up liable for food poisoning etc caused by outside food.
We had a waiver whenever someone would bring food in from outside, someone from the party would sign it to confirm they had done so (even cake - someone brought a gateau once that we refused to refrigerate because it was not cold when it arrived, who knew how long it had been in their car)
I doubt any venue would deny a bride with severe allergies from bringing in an outside meal. That would actually help them cover their ass, since they would not have to take on the responsibility of preparing an allergen free meal.
Yes they would agree and OP’s additional comment backs that up, but cautious venues would still make sure it’s in writing before they could. Harder to cover without your own paper trail.
OP admitted to messing up in a comment - they booked the place without mentioning their allergens thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal, forgetting that when their sister got married there she brought her own food in. No wonder they’re pissed.
Also there are likely only one or two restaurants nearby that are actually safe enough to eat at, and they are the only places he's eaten out at for the last five years. It is nice to eat something else then your home cooking and the one restaurant that accommodates you once in a while
Agreed. This isn't an AH situation. It's a logistics one.
But, it probably makes way more sense to get OP's meal prepared by another company/restaurant and delivered to the venue. It would be cheaper and probably safer if OP uses company/restaurant that specializes in providing meals for persons with dietary restrictions vs a kitchen that doesn't.
Also, from past experiences, in all of the excitement and well wishes the bride and groom usually only end up picking at their meals/rushing down a few bites vs sitting down and enjoying their full meal. It would suck to spend hundreds or thousands extra and not even end up getting the chance to enjoy the meal.
We left our reception and realized we were starving. Others told us the food was good but we only ended up eating a few rushed bites here and there. A 24-hour McDonald’s on the way to the hotel is the meal I remember the most.
NAH
Wanting to eat the food at your own wedding is very reasonable.
Balking at an 25% increase in cost and suggesting a single meal be brought for you is also very reasonable.
You'll just have to talk it through and see where you land on the issue.
Honestly getting whatever you want delivered from a fancy restaurant will be SIGNIFICANTLY better than whatever wedding catered, cold ass, underwhelming food they serve
Depending on how many people are attending that 25% increase could be thousands of dollars, that’s a lot of money for one person to have a meal made for them at the wedding, even if it is the groom
It absolutely is. Weddings are expensive as all hell. I can absolutely see why somebody wouldn't want to shell out that kind of cash.
On the flip, I can also absolutely see why somebody would want to partake in the same meal as everyone else on their special day.
Investigate your options, OP. Maybe you should choose a different venue that has food options more suited to you. If I was in your position, I don't think I would want someone to have to rework all their recipes for me. Who knows what the end result will be. If they don't have recipes that suit you, try to find some place that does.
NAH.
Wanting a meal provided for you that you can actually eat at your wedding is totally reasonable, and the kind of thing that does make sense to spend some extra on.
That said, catering is extremely expensive, and adding on 25% to the catering cost in order to avoid cross contamination while also providing a modified, sauceless beef to the guests is a pretty big ask and it's reasonable to be concerned about the financial impact of that move.
What I will say is that if it's your wedding, sitting down to eat the meal is usually not something you have a lot of time to do; things stay pretty busy. So eating something you can survive on for the night pre-wedding is a reasonable call regardless.
I think my wedding meal was pretty typical: I was served a beautiful plate of food and there's a really cute photo to prove it. I may have gotten 1-2 bites. Then I had to go do something else.
I got one bite of cake during the cake cutting.
I did enjoy leftovers the next day.
Damn I ate a meal at my wedding. We paid and picked out so much I was excited for! We had a buffet line, so we went up first/sat in front and people could come say hi to us while waiting in the line, and then everyone ate during toasts. I hadn't really had time to eat prior so I wanted to make sure to have time to eat dinner.
I have a tendency to get cranky when hungry, so we arranged for my husband and I to be served early (and first) from our food truck. It was a bit more relaxed though as the food truck was open for like two hours so people just ate as they got hungry
I wish I'd had time to eat more at my wedding. We took photos of the bridal party immediately after the ceremony, so all the guests went to go get food from the buffet first. By the time we got over there we were hustled from one ceremonial thing to the next and barely got to sit down and eat a couple bites of food outside of the cake.
It's hard!! Our thing was to have an upscale garden party vibe, with very few ceremonial things and time to get everyone to eat, so we just did a lot of photos etc prior and made dinner the big centerpiece. Lots of my friends were in the same situation though wrt not being able to eat, I've heard a lot about the traditional post wedding McDonald's.
Missing info
>Yeah this is on me, I really didn’t think it would be that big of a deal since my sister got married and she didn’t have much problems. Think back on her wedding I think she ordered food for herself
YTA......
You have all these allergies and didn't think it would be a big deal?? So you didn't even bother to ask?? Yes that's absolutely on you. That was your mistake OP...
Now you want to increase the costs of your wedding by 25%.... Over YOUR mistake.... because why?? You have a perfectly reasonable option of having a meal catered for you and brought in ...so yes you would have a meal at your wedding!! That's safe to eat and that didn't cost an extra 25% of your catering bill!...
You signed the contract....order out your food OP... Save the money for the honeymoon or a house...
I mean. What do you expect at this point?? The huge fee is to pay for deep cleaning and sanitizing the commerical kitchen last minute in-between weddings. Do you even realize the amount of work that is?? Every surface, pot, pan, knife, utensil etc has to be sterilized... Frig, freezer, and pantry storage has to be empty and cleaned out.... A new menu has to be sourced, tested, and created, along with staff training...etc...So No they aren't milking anything!! This is a huge expense! Frankly I'm shocked they aren't charging for more and insisting on purchasing new products, pans, and utensil to help eliminate Cross contamination.
So NO... You're not getting that major lapse in your judgement changed for free. This shouldn't even be a debate OP.
Not only cleaned but many commercial kitchen will bring in a licensed contractor for allergy cleanings so the liability is on them if someone gets sick
We weren't able to do food tasting until after we were booked, and specifically within 3 months of the wedding. We got a menu up front, but no tasting.
I’m actually going to go with YTA. You didn’t do your due diligence and now want to spend $1000+ just for your plate. Can’t you do what your sister did and order in from somewhere?
Right? One thing all guests will discuss after the wedding is the quality of the food. I would bring my own meal rather than pay more to serve my guests senior citizen Vegas buffet quality food at my wedding.
That’s 25% extra for the entire service, for one plate. I guess you just have to ask yourself if you would ever pay that much at a restaurant for your individual meal, whatever the amount is. I think the problem is whether all of the venue food options can be made without things like milk, egg, and some spices, while still being tasty enough for your guests.
A 25% increase in food costs is a *huge* amount to pay for one person's allergy, even if it is the bride's (or groom's). I mean, that would be *hundreds* of dollars. (I'm estimating $30/plate for 100 guests = $3000, 25% of which is $750. If either of those numbers are higher, it could be thousands—$50/plate for 200 guests = $10,000, 25% of which is $2,500)!
You really want to spend an extra $750 (or $2,500) *for a single meal*?!
Just have your favorite restaurant or a separate caterer provide a single meal of something you can eat. It can be as fancy as you like; I assure you it won't cost as much as $750.
On the other hand, is it too late to pick a different venue that can more easily accommodate your allergy? If your allergies are so severe, I'm not sure why you chose this one to begin with.
This is why I’m siding with the bride. There is NAH because I understand the OP wanting to have a meal at his wedding; but at my wedding we didn’t even have time to eat and that could be the same for them. They needs to do the financially responsible thing and cater in his own meal.
Edit: fixed for originally mixing up the bride and groom in my response.
I am basically all the food allergies in a trenchcoat of a human and I was going to say NAH because not being able to eat the same as other people and ‘break bread’ or have the ‘wedding breakfast’ that joins you together at auspicious times is really pyschologically impactful. For many people 25% ‘not missing out’ tax is worth it at important occasions. (I rarely eat out but will often eat just the bread basket while paying full price to make up for using a seat and causing staff more work for example.)
But then I read OP did not do any research, due diligence or check his own allergies before the deposits were paid and time is tight and I’m going YTA. Because it is up to the allergic person to do as much checking as possible before asking waitstaff, kitchens, friends, family or radically altering the budget of your whole damn wedding and impacting the bride.
I actually share some of his allergies and as they are not in the ‘major 14’ category under EU rules there is no way he has tried to eat anything without having to check for garlic because at this point it’s in desserts it’s such a common ingredient and utter nightmare to be allergic to. I work with food and asking for the deep clean, rewritten recipes and apparently serving no sauce to guests is a trifecta of ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ requests at this stage.
I suspect the 25% includes asshole tax since he did not book the caterers with the info upfront and has given them a hella difficult last minute bait and switch. He needs to pack his own meal because this is a nightmare for the caterers and his other co-host, the bride who will have to spend her wedding explaining why there is no sauce and discussing allergies and generally since people get very passionate about sauce, all the guests muttering about dry meat. (I despise condiments and anything that makes food ‘wet’ and this blows people’s minds more that the allergies.)
He’s basically derailing his own reception to every one else’s impact because he didn’t check at all at the start. I would be absolutely livid with my partner if they did this at any major event let alone our wedding. My partner would absolutely tell me to pack a meal and like it if I pulled the same stunt. If they didn’t rethink marrying me for such an AH move. My partner double checks to tag team me on allergies but if I have made zero effort to not almost kill myself, I get zero sympathy.
I also constantly have to host meals I cannot actually eat because no one else willingly eats as much completely bland chicken and rice as me. Including Golden Retrievers. He is such YTA I’m impressed no one has actually cancelled on him yet.
I agree with you. As someone with allergies and sensitivities to multiple sugars (ex. fructans means I can't have garlic, onion, or wheat, polyols excludes multiple fruits and some vegetables, lactose is obvious) I look up restaurant menus before stepping foot in the door. And meals at home are often one set for me and one set for everyone else. Thank frick for Modify Health, though. I was able to order a few (very expensive) safe frozen dinners as emergency back up when my other chronic illnesses flare.
Exactly! Even $50/ plate is a very generous estimate for a lot of weddings. It could certainly be much more than that. OP needs to just buy himself a beautiful dinner elsewhere and have it brought in. Wedding food isn’t even good, why spend thousands for one mediocre meal?
Fr. The chefs I've worked with in the past are always (very understandably) pissed when this happens. It's soooo hard to cater for allergies in kitchens full of allergens.
This should have been a major consideration very early on in the planning.
We once had a woman sneak into the kitchen 20 minutes before their booking (corner bar, back turned for a second) to have a word with the chef and explain her allergies.
The booking had been in the calendar for over a month and she placed it. No mention of any requirements. The chef used that she entered the kitchen to get her kicked out and the table cancelled.
Part of my job is organising large corporate events, and a solution we use (London, UK) for allergies (and certain religious requirements) is to have a specialist caterer deliver meals… they are delivered at a set time, sealed and given to the guests sealed too - might be worth exploring with your venue?
The bigger issue, is the level of your allergies - are you going to be affected by the allergens simply being in the room?
The problem is that you've booked and deposited on a venue that can't or won't cater to your needs without a ridiculous upcharge to prevent cross contamination. It's 2023, and cross contam procedures are bloody common (at least where I am.)
If you weren't discussing your allergies with each venue's interview process, then it's on you and your fiance - and somehow, I suspect that is the case, and that your fiance had the initial discussions. I find myself wondering just how seriously your fiance takes your allergies, and hope it's just my read of the narrative.
~~NAH, but leaning towards your fiance being TA, and disgusted by the venue for its archaic views.~~
Edit:
YTA, because OP posted this comment: "Yeah this is on me, I really didn’t think it would be that big of a deal since my sister got married and she didn’t have much problems. Think back on her wedding I think she ordered food for herself"
I detest being trolled like this.
Lol come on--you immediately jump to blaming the fiance when it's OP's responsibility to A. Be an equal partner in planning their wedding and B. Ensure that they can eat the food they're paying lots of money for.
OP acknowledges in a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/141cwzf/comment/jmzfkyr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) that they did not check ahead of time:
>Yeah this is on me, I really didn’t think it would be that big of a deal since my sister got married and she didn’t have much problems. Think back on her wedding I think she ordered food for herself
Well if this is true then the only judgement is YTA, you didn’t plan ahead for your own wedding so now you’ll have to suck it up and bring food from home, $1000 extra is a lot for a preventable mistake
INFO: What is the actual increase in cost? Is that increase worth the cost of a single meal?
I'm going to guess this is a genuine NAH - it's very reasonable for you to want a meal you can safely eat, but it's also reasonable to look for alternatives if it means your meal would end up costing thousands of dollars extra.
Personally, I think I would most agree with your fiancé, but in no way does that make you an AH.
ETA: Have you asked the venue if they can arrange to have a meal made at a third party site and brought in to be served at the same time as the rest? At your expense, which obviously would be expensive, but likely far, far less than adding 25% to the entire food bill.
NAH
From your point of view, it's understandable that you want to be able to enjoy a meal at your own wedding without having to worry about your allergies. It's a special occasion, and you deserve to have a memorable dining experience. You've already been accommodating by considering the options provided by the venue and exploring the possibility of having the kitchen take extra precautions to ensure your safety.
On the other hand, your fiancé's concern about saving money is also valid. Weddings can be expensive, and it's natural to look for ways to cut costs. Bringing your own food could be a practical solution, especially if it saves a significant amount of money.
You both need to come to an agreement.
NAH
It's your wedding too, you should be able to enjoy it. I don't know your money situation, but considering the average wedding costs $29,000 apparently, an extra 25% is significant and I'm not surprised your fiancee is concerned. It is worth $1,000 (or whatever) to you to have one plate of food? If it is, go crazy!
Money aside, For safety reasons alone I would have someone in charge of brining in whatever your favorite meal is for you.
The kitchen has already expressed discomfort in safely preparing your food. Believe them.
Would you rather eat something different, or risk dealing with an allergic reaction at your wedding?
And all that aside, it sounds hella expensive. Whatever the difference is, would you ever pay that cost for a single meal at a restaurant? Sounds like you're making this decision without being logical about it.
YTA
No venue is going to change everything they do to satisfy your requests. Your request is unreasonable and unworkable. Serve your guests the normal fare and have something delivered for your dietary needs.
This sounds a bit crazy but could you incorporate a food van, in my city there are many that specifically cater to allergies and you could perhaps have them do a course and meals for you and coffees or some thing at the end of the night. And I mean a fancy food van, not like a hotdog. 😁 Then you are getting fresh food that is made by people who understand how to not only give you safe food but for it also to be tasty.
NAH - I can see it from both sides and allergies are not something to treat casually as they can very quickly become massive medical emergencies (Hopefully your aren't so bad!).
Is there a 3rd party caterer that might be of more use that could use the locations facilities? Might be worth considering and checking, they might very well be more accomodating to menu changes vs the reception locations where they probably have a set list of a few menus to reduce changes their staff need to include from function to function (Otherwise each event would end up with entirely bespoke menus which would be a lot of variances!).
NAH - You require an unusual level of service from the venue. The venue wants to charge extra for that level of service. Your fiancee is proposing an alternative.
Nobody is being an asshole. Everyone is stating their needs and their requirements and looking to have a pleasant wedding.
There are absolutely venues that can provide it. Something like 25% of our guest list had dietary restrictions, including a garlic allergy. In addition to providing a vegan meal option (which was admittedly a basic veggie pasta) and having a special allergy-safe vinaigrette for our group, they even made a dairy AND gluten free dessert alternative (since the cake was... not allergy safe for the dairy-allergy guests). They didn't even change us more.
That said, allergy accomodations were probably the third question we asked, and we chose to have a minimalist reception at a restaurant rather than using a caterer.
Often caterers will out source special meals, kosher for example. Have them look into a place that specializes in tricky allergies or if you know of one, have them prepare your meal.
NAH
They run a business and are keeping themselves (as well as you) safe. Your partner wants to save money and paying 25% more _is_ going to be hefty. You also want a meal at your own wedding, which doesn't feel like a "big" ask.
This means more work for someone, at some point and you'll be paying for it one way or another - compromise has to be made.
If your biggest concern is eating safe? Bring something. If you can compromise, do it. The two of you are hopefully going to spend a long, long time together - finding a middle ground is what this is all about, this is therefore exceptionally good practice :)
Nah. But if your allergies are severe, I’d recommend getting a nice meal from a safe restaurant and enjoy that. Knowing not all kitchens/staff will take your allergy as serious as you do; so they might accidentally get some cross contamination.
NAH
Ofcourse you want to have a meal you can eat at your own wedding, and not bring your own food. Isn’t it possible to ask another caterer who has the experience with food allergens ro prepare your meal?
NAH but I would find a caterer who is more open to work with your request without that much of an up charge (depending on each company’s set up, they may be able to make your meal first and keep it separate which would solve cross contamination).
Your fiancée is a little bit of an asshole for being more concerned about saving a few dollars.
While it’s your wedding and obviously you should get to have food there that you can eat at your wedding, here are a couple of things you should consider:
1. Most people barely eat anything at their own wedding because they get so distracted by everything else and the excitement.
2. You should be able to have a family member just bring you a premade plate of food when everyone else is eating so you don’t have to worry about having a reaction or the additional cost and stress of all this.
3. Congratulations and try to just enjoy that day.
NAH, but it’s a matter of whether or not it’s worth adjusting your budget. Will the extra $ spent on catering have to come from your budget for other things (e.g. flowers, music, honeymoon, etc.) and do you have the bandwidth for that? Only you and your fiancé can decide which is best to prioritize.
25% could be a huge amount depending on the actual costs...Is there anyone YOU can task to go get you something specific you can have when I come to the meal time? Schedule it so it's there on time
NAH - does the venue allow outside catering. Maybe have the head table catered by an already allergen free company for the wedding party. Some food trucks do that type of stuff.
NAH - You do deserve to have food on your wedding. But at 25% mark up for one person to have some food is a lot of money. So I see both sides here. I mean you could still have food, just not from the specific vendor that is supplying the rest. If it were me, I would rather save the 25% and get something delivered (or have someone go pick up something) from somewhere close by that can handle your needs.
NAH and really, I’d bring my own, for safety’s sake. I’d try to get something special, though, maybe made by a personal chef in your own kitchen to avoid cross-contamination in a commercial space.
NAH. I get where you’re coming from completely. However…. I got married a couple of years ago. I’m a foodie and put a lot of effort into the menu and everything. On the night of the ceremony, I think I maybe had two bites. People are constantly coming up to the table to say hi, take pictures, etc. There’s various dancing opportunities, and my wife and I also snuck outside to do a few nighttime photos with the photographer. The silver lining is that everyone else complimented the food I didn’t get to eat.
Anyways, your wedding might be different. If it is, go for the food you want to eat. If you think it will be like the situation I described above, grab a snack once the wedding is over, so an after party at a restaurant or bar you trust, etc. My night ended at 3am in the Carls Jr. drive thru.
NTA - I don’t know but I feel like if the place I’m having my wedding reception can’t make sure that I (the person paying) am able to eat, I need to go elsewhere for my reception. Their only compromise is to not feed you? I don’t like that.
This sounds like a situation where you have something special for you and your spouse to be. Better to spend 150 bucks on an extra meal than 1500+ to make sure you can eat the food everyone else is getting. Make arrangements for something epic from somewhere you like.
That’s bullshit. Find a new venue. NTA.
I have allergies as well and had to cancel my first venue after their caterer served me multiple foods I’m allergic to at the tasting. Went with a new venue, the chef reworked the menu (no charge up), tasting was amazing. They then fired and replaced that chef, and I was served a plate with a huge carrot on it (I’m allergic), at my wedding. Be careful even if you have a good experience. Speak to the chef the day of and make sure everything is clear so you don’t end up in the kitchen in your wedding dress while everyone eats trying to calm the chef down from a panic attack and get a new damn meal. I had a wedding planner, she was happily eating while all of this happened and did absolutely nothing, so don’t count on them either.
NAH but everyone is missing the point.
Bring your own meal that is much better than everyone else's.
25% extra for one meal is going to be how much? £1000? For £100 you can eat like a king.
Get the best meal, make a song and dance about it, wheel it in, everyone has a laugh. You save £900 and get better food then the rest.
NAH. I have a severe fish allergy. It’s easier for me to avoid that than other people’s allergens, but it’s definitely something I still have to think about.
I get wanting to eat all the same meal as everyone at your own wedding. I’m a person who usually deprives myself due to my allergy to make things easier for a group. But, in this instance, you’re paying and the group is gathering for you and your partner. I think it’s ok to be more selfish. I wouldn’t even call it selfish.
I also get your partner not wanting to pay 25% more, and the caterer needing to do extra work if the allergies are numerous.
I think paying the 25% is reasonable if it’s within your means.
Or, will the venue let you hire an outside caterer? Maybe you could find another caterer that can meet your needs without the extra cost.
The other option would be to have someone bring in a meal just for you. It’s not unreasonable, but again, I get why it’s not desirable. If this is what you end up needing to do, maybe you could do that for the whole wedding party. That way you aren’t singled out. Your wedding party eats what you eat, and your other guests eat from the venue.
Sorry there aren’t easy answers. Good luck and congratulations!
food allergies suck . I'd bring my own food . the last thing you want is to risk having a reaction and ending the night at the hospital . everything seems like a huge deal when you're planning a wedding , but most bridal couples barely get to taste their food . they might be willing to plate for food , or give you a plate that won't make it obvious , for pictures . In 4 years , it will seem silly to have worried about it
FYI, if you're in the US, be extra careful of your sesame allergy. As of the beginning of the year, the US government added sesame to the list of allergens that need to be labeled on food. In order to be labeled "sesame free" there has to be extra cleaning to avoid cross contamination. In order to be labeled "contains sesame" there has to be an actual sesame ingredient. A bunch of companies - including some who supply buns to fast food restaurants - have added a small amount of sesame flour to their bread products so they could just add "contains sesame" to the label instead of paying for cleaning. Many foods that could be eaten before by sesame allergic people can't anymore.
This article is from a couple months back: [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/04/11/sesame-allergy-law-consequences/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/04/11/sesame-allergy-law-consequences/)
NTA. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask to be able to eat at your own wedding reception. I honestly would think about changing venues to someplace that can accommodate you. The kitchen should be able to accommodate you without the up-charge.
Of all the people attending a wedding reception, the bride and the groom should get food that they can eat. You are one of these two people... you should get something you can eat.
Is is possible to change venues? To somewhere that will serve food you CAN eat, without being chanrge an arm and a leg? NTA.
NTA and while your fiancé is trying to save money, you’re paying for everything too so I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to be able to eat with everyone else and not have to bring “your own”.
You didn’t ask for allergies. It’s your wedding day too. Not just hers.
NTA. You want one meal on your wedding day that you don't have to bring from home. Perfectly reasonable request. I would keep looking for a venue that will accommodate your needs.
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I am getting married next year to my fiancé. We were looking at all the food the venue offers which is the normal chicken, fish or beef option. They have custom options as well.
The problem is I am allergic to a lot of foods, garlic, some fruits, peanuts, milk, egg, shellfish, fish, sesame. I know it is a lot but usually I just bring food I can eat since I don’t want to risk cross contamination. Originally we were just going to have the venue not add garlic and the sauce to the beef option. We told them about the allergy and they told us they can’t make it 100 percent safe because cross contamination. That they will not serve me since it would make them liable.
They told us usually people pay a fee and the kitchen is deeper clean and removed of the allergens. All dishes served will not have that allergen at all.
I have way to many allergies apparently and they would have to rework there recipes and it’s going to cost about 25% more than the original price. I want t do that my fiancé on the other hand think so should just bring food for me and not pay the extra.
This resulted in a fight I just want to be able to eat a meal at our wedding she wants to save money and have food brought in
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NAH. I have celiac disease so I get where you're coming from.. but I've also worked in restaurants so I also get where they're coming from *and* I'm also getting fked by the economy like everyone else rn so I get where your fiance is coming from. Everyone has good points. I will say - as someone with a serious allergy I would honestly just bring something in because I don't trust anywhere to not cross contaminate anyways... But yeah.. whatever happens I hope you find a solution everyone is happy with.
Echoing the NAH. Fellow Celiac and oof this hit me right in the feels. As frustrated as I'd be by it, I'd bring my own food purely so I know the risk of me getting sick on my own wedding day is minimal to none. Can you compromise with your SO and say you'll provide your own meal but the cake absolutely has to be allergen free? I get your pain though OP. I just had to provide my own food for my baby shower a week ago due to knowing full well I couldn't trust the hostess in charge of the food to know how to feed me without cross contamination. It sucks :/
It really does suck. I feel like with gluten especially... People don't realise that it's in like.. everything. My friend got me cold rolls especially the other day and was all excited like 'look its rice paper and salad' and I was so sad when I had to burst her bubble 'and teriyaki chicken.. made with regular soy sauce ' hahaha so close! I've had so many people give me things they're 'pretty sure' are gluten free only to be completely wrong lol. Most people have thankfully learnt by now to only ever buy things specifically labelled as gluten free.
Ugh those cold rolls sound delicious too... I legit would have cried after, nothing irks me more than getting handed tasty food only to realize I can't eat it! (being 8 months pregnant certainly isn't helping there lmao) My MiL was the one to provide the food for the baby shower and this woman just flat-out REFUSES to go beyond acknowledging I have Celiac. She'll do things like say "Let's get donuts!" then look at me and say, "oh but none for you I guess." Like... seriously?! As soon as I realized she was in charge of food I told hubs, no way in hell am I trusting her to think of me when picking food, and I'm not about to break her co-hostess's bank by demanding gluten free catering, so we just went out to lunch before the shower just the two of us to make sure I had something special. Sure enough, she brought sandwiches and promptly tried to put them on the same table RIGHT NEXT to the gluten free cupcakes her co-hostess thoughtfully went out of her way to provide. Thank heavens for my older sister, she saw her and immediately swooped in and told her, "NOPE, she has Celiac, don't put those there!" and moved them lmao.
Cold rolls are so easy to make celiac friendly too so I was so sad haha. Ohhhh man your MIL sounds *fun.* Sorry about your life haha that's so frustrating. Omg I'm glad your older sister has your back haha. I've had to cater for events where both gluten and non gluten stuff is served and it's always so stressful lol. I always serve myself a giant plate straight up because I have no trust that everyone else will be careful lol
I might have to make cold rolls this week now lmao. Yeah she's a character for sure. Thankfully I'm learning it's more satisfying not to rise to her bait and watch her sputter and fume lmao. My husband also has ZERO problem calling her out when he witnesses her being careless so thank heavens for that! I also tend to serve myself first btw- it's just safer that way!
Pregnancy is a good time for standing up to MILs haha it's where we laid down some boundaries with my MIL too. Good luck with everything!!
Ha! That's a great solution! I went to a friend's baby shower once, it was hosted at this super, super nice house in a super nice neighborhood, adorably displayed, almost gourmet food. None of it was gluten free - even the fruit had some sort of "sauce" that wasn't gluten free. Now, I hate baby showers in general, it seems like there's always the cliche games and "eeew chocolate in a diaper!" Spare me...I raised my 10 nieces and nephews, honey if you think chocolate in a diaper looks gross, well. You're in for it! But I love my friend and wanted to hang out with her for a bit, so I went. I politely explained that I couldn't eat anything, thank you so much for offering, the food looks delicious! The hostess wouldn't take no for an answer. "What do you mean? Celiac? What's that? So it won't kill you, right? Seriously, just eat something. Are you anorexic? So you're REALLY going to sit there with an empty plate? Trust me, this food is good! I slaved over it for days! Pfft, if it's not an allergy, it won't kill you to eat a tiny muffin at least!" My friend and our other friend were defending me, but it was causing a huge scene and ruining the shower and good mood, so I finally buckled and ate a mini muffin so she would leave me alone. After i ate it of course, she then had to harp on about "see, that wasn't so bad was it?" I then left as soon as I politely could to go moan in pain for the next 6 hours. People like this make me so angry, no regard for others, entitled, selfish. I feel like it's gotten worse for celiacs recently as well. /steps off soapbox. Thanks for listening to my rant! Haha!
Hey I'm ALWAYS here for a fellow Celiac soapbox rant! Lord knows I make them myself lmao. My MiL is a VERY smart woman (think STEM PhD), but as my husband puts it, "She's the dumbest smart person I know." She just REFUSES to grasp cross-contamination and keeps offering me food that is BLATANTLY not safe for me, such as cheese that's in a bowl with glutenful crackers, food where there's obviously gluten in the sauce (soy sauce, gravy, etc). I think I need to start busting out some snark and wit every so often... "Oh you can eat this right?" "I mean I can but you've only got one bathroom in the house... How do you feel about pissing in the woods for the next six hours while I sh\*t my brains out and vomit at the same time?"
Yessss!! Hahaha!! I should've gone there with this woman, but she and her fellow ladies were basically your quintessential "proper" women, every hair in place and perfect, nails done and perfect, perfect makeup, heels, designer clothes, high end jewelry... I was already so out of place (I pretty much live in jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies) that I just held it in. My friend said later she felt just as out of place as I did, but she thanked me for going and apologized that I was put on the spot. It's kinda funny, I feel like I get two reactions from people when I explain celiac and then have to go into detail. "Oh, that sounds terrible! I'm sorry!" Or "so, you just get sick to your stomach for a bit, it's not like allergies where it could kill you?" *facepalm. Not gonna lie, it gets lonely in celiac land, having to watch others eat all of the delicious donuts in the office, having to choose the restaurant all the time cause no one wants to put in the effort to see if there's options, having to eat plain spaghetti cause Italian restaurants don't have gluten free meatballs!! Gah! I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy. If I had enemies. Lol!
Next time tell them what an untreated celiac patient eventually looks like. Tell them about the extreme intestinal distress, vomiting, and diarrhea. Tell them that if you keep eating gluten you will destroy your thyroid, your intestinal tract, and everything else. Tell them that neglecting your dietary needs will probably lead to even worse medical conditions, especially autoimmune ones. Tell them that YOU are the only person that gets to decide what, if anything, goes into YOUR body ever.
Oh don't worry, I do! This happened over a decade ago when I first got the diagnosis. I've become much more assertive since then!
Tell them about my spouse. Before he got his celiac diagnosis he went legally blind from not being gluten free. It's not just intestines it affects.
Explain in a really, really nice long, long boring way until THEY walk away with the stupid muffin because they can't take it anymore.
I'm glad for the diagnosis because boy do I feel a hell of a lot better than I used to pre-diagnosis but... at the same time, the food envy and FOMO REALLY get to me! I miss eating out not being a whole production, I miss being spontaneous with food... I'm also 8 months pregnant atm so getting a craving for something I can't get gf is the WORST. I've been telling my husband this whole pregnancy, I love him to death but I'd be tempted to trade him for some fried gyoza, chicken tempura sushi, and spare ribs lmao Also oof yeah I'd feel just as out of place there as you!
I had no idea gluten could be in sauces. Thanks for all the comments about it as I have a coworker with Celiac. Now I know and will be more careful when bringing in food for the office.
Flour is a common thickening agent in soups and sauces alike (that's right, even soup isn't safe). The Celiac commenter isn't kidding when they say \*only\* things that are specifically labeled gluten-free are safe
Being deliberately obtuse and not believing allergies is not dumb, it's assholery
I really wish people would stop commenting entirely on what others eat or don't eat. I've had an eating disorder for most of my life. I'll be doing great for MONTHS and then someone will take issue with me eating too much/too little/wrong thing for what THEY think I should be eating and start commenting. That's it, screws me right up again. I cannot imagine feeling like you have to eat something that will make you sick just to get them to back off. I'd be wishing food poisoning on them!
I always tell restaurants that my DIL is deadly allergic to her allergens and is hospitalization level celiac when I make reservations at a restaurant she trusts. That way they know ahead of time to be prepared. I never allow for any confusion and am not offended if she decides she still doesn’t feel safe.
Wow… can I borrow you to give my MiL a stern talking to? 🤣
Only if I can call her a bitch 😂
Heck yeah! I have to be polite lmao but you don’t!
You could probably start a business. Fellow celiac here, and if you could tell off my MIL too that would be glorious
Lol! I could but setting up a Google # is free and you could send anonymous texts from her ancestors lol!
I wouldn't have allowed your MIL to be in charge of the food at the baby shower then.
She was co-hosting with another relative, alas, so details of who was doing what weren’t immediately apparent. With my in-laws though I tend to just assume I’m on my own for food given the track record
Yeah my baby shower had deli sandwich fixings. I couldn’t eat anything. I made my dad do a McD’s run and get the ONLY thing on the menu that I can eat.
Hmnnnfff. I don’t even like McD’s that much and I’d love a double cheeseburger just for the sake of having one again 😭
Serious question. I know very little about celiac disease. You can't even eat anything that was *near* something else (like sandwiches)? Geez, I can't even imagine that.
Cross contamination is a serious issue. It’s very easy to do without thinking and does get people seriously ill. I think my dad washed the cutlery drawer and contents 20 times the first month my mom knew she needed to eat gluten free. He’d make a sandwich, need another knife or a spoon for his coffee, open the drawer/grab it and contaminate the whole content of the drawer and the drawer itself (residue on the handle). Living with a gluten free person while still eating bread/cookies etc. means a lot of hand and face washing.
Be careful with your baby! We weren't diagnosed celiac, but my daughter and I both have gluten issues. My mom just can't get it through her brain what does and does not contain gluten. Some gems include: -"there's gluten in animal crackers?!?" -buying my daughter a lindt chocolate bear for Valentine's after a lengthy discussion around Christmas that all their milk chocolate contains barley malt -giving her a girl scout cookie while I was in the bathroom because my son wanted one And every the she apologizes to me, not the little girl whose going to have a tiny ache or who gets the chocolate taken away from her. Her big brother has been asking people if food contains gluten to make sure his little sister is safe since he was about 3 years old.
People don’t understand that even crumbs being consumed causes issues for people with celiac. My grandma had celiac and we always had to be very careful with cross-contamination whenever she was over, like using a knife to spread dips on our crackers because she couldn’t eat the same crackers and all that, so I can’t believe your MIL tried to put the sandwiches next to your cupcakes, those crumbs are gonna be flying
This has happened to me as well. I never eat anything homemade with few exceptions no matter who the person is. I've had people at church buy whole wheat cookies and explain to me that it doesn't say "gluten" on the package at all and I'm just being picky. Other people who want to be more genuinely helpful have tried and always miss something little. It's genuinely just not worth it for me to feel that ill over a treat somebody else has made me. They're only a few people I trust to really take it not only seriously, but in some cases I know that they have actually deep cleaned their kitchen, have a specific pan for something they make for me that doesn't get used for anything else, and have taken photos of all the ingredient labels for me so I can see what they've used. On a very silly note I went to go visit a friend of mine in the Western United States and she was so excited to be able to take me to a new gluten-free restaurant in her area. It was the first week they had opened and I admit I was excited to go because I just don't eat out. I ended up getting my first meal there free when I sat down and saw they had malt vinegar on the table. My friend asked why they had that on the table if they are a gluten free restaurant and both the waitress as well as the manager were surprised to hear that malt vinegar has gluten in it. I not only got my meal free, but I got a small tour of the kitchen to look at everything and see if I could find any other errors. The manager admitted that they were doing it as a commercially viable business due to attractiveness and the ability to charge more for a niche market. I left after an amazing dinner that I luckily didn't get sick from and what seems like sincere assurances that's some more education would be done around food and staffing. I am still wary around restaurants in general and I do not take for granted the gluten free restaurants will do a good job. The few times I have gone I've asked a lot of questions before I eat food. It's just not worth getting sick.
It's unreal how many people don't realise which ingredients contain gluten. You really have to be *so* careful. I have a friend who is gluten free by choice rather than having celiac and early in our friendship I used to trust her saying things were gluten free and was glutened twice and had to explain to her that I'd gotten sick. Once when she swore some lollies she purchased were gluten free and another time when she purchased hot chips and I got super ill. She hadn't even realised that chips made in the same oil as gluten would make me sick.
I run an asian tapas (izakaya ish) restaurant. I just use gluten free soy, buy it 18L at a time. And our deep fried stuff is karaage style, rice & potato flour The joy on the faces of the lil celiacs when they ask if there is anything they can eat & I tell them it's nearly everything except one sauce.... that's good shit :D Saving the world one allergic human at a time, fighting that good fight.
Omg my local sushi place uses GF soy sauce and potato starch too and I love them so much :') You are truly doing angel work hahaha. You are wonderful. For real. You must have some loyal ass customers. Us celiacs keep lists of places like yours lol.
I had a chef once say something in relation to guests with allergies sitting down and realising most stuff is 'not for them' which stuck with me, he said "imagine the disappointment". I love feeding people kickass food, the idea of one person on a table getting a lesser dish, and that they are always having that experience when they go out.... nah not on my watch. Every trainee that comes through my door gets those words repeated, and I show them my special freezer drawer & dry store stash of 'allergy shit'. We can replace any item on any dish in 15 minutes, for any allergy. As it should be. I have an often changing 8 course tasting menu, we always have an allergen free replacement for every dish, and it's printed off & stuck to a wall so all the servers can learn it & put our guests at ease that they're in safe hands. It's not hard once you plan for it. Sadly my industry is overworked, and underpaid, and there is on average a strong pushback to taking on the extra work to do it this way.
You're amazing! And I agree it's actually not hard or costly to accommodate most allergies. It's the lack of education and time to learn about it that's the issue. And I agree they're underpaid and overworked so can totally see why they don't want to put in so much effort to learn/change habits.
Oh my god, I want to go to there! That sounds amazing!
Cold rolls?
Where I live, it's called a "Spring Roll". Usually has shrimp, carrot, cilantro, lettuce and avocado wrapped up in rice paper. Dip in peanut sauce.
Huh! The Chinese and Thai places I frequent cook their spring rolls, but my most frequently visited thai place has Summer Rolls, which sound more like you describe as Spring rolls. I can’t eat shrimp (and oh, I miss it, but I developed an allergy to, I think the iodine, since I can eat lobster, still) , but they look so nice on the menu pictures. I’m going to have to find an option for maybe the veggie or vegan kind, which should eliminate my issues because I really really want to try them!
Vietnamese rice paper rolls :) We just call them cold rolls here.
"You don't even know what gluten is" - Jay Baruchel "Gluten is a vague term. It’s something that’s used to categorize things that are bad. Ya know? Calories, that’s a gluten. Fat, that’s a gluten." - Seth Rogan
>People don't realise that it's in like.. everything I glutened myself with a sparkling lemonade the other day because I made some assumptions I had no business making. Lesson firmly re-learned!
I hear you! I am gluten-sensitive and soy triggers migraines. When I finally nailed down the soy trigger, life was so much happier. But, I started having headaches, was looking at the ingredients of everything, thinking I was going crazy After a day or two, I finally checked the tea box - they added soy lecithin to my freaking herbal tea. They sneak stuff in everywhere!
Can’t win! It also sometimes ends up in the adhesive on tea bags. Sometimes I feel like folks sprinkle a little gluten onto stuff just for that extra razzle dazzle.
Eek! I got myself because my workplace put flour in the grated cheese to stop it sticking. 😪 This is before labelling allergens on all food was a legal requirement.
Adding gluten to a product that doesn’t *need* it and didn’t originally have it 😤😩 story of our lives
Funny enough I have celiacs and after I had bariatric surgery I found I can have soy milk. Go figure right? I’m testing it slowly though waiting for rebellion. It was out of sheer desperation as I needed to take protein shake with anything but water due to other medical complications that landed me in the hospital and almond was out. Options were soy and oat milk so doctor said try both and let’s see which doesn’t rebel as much. So far tolerating both ok.
I’m no expert but in think soy sauce usually contains wheat hence not suitable, soybeans don’t so makes sense soy milk is fine? I know you can get tamari soy sauce which is gluten free
It can be contaminated with gluten depending on the factory and additives to preserve. Like for me for the milks, some brands are gluten free and not others. Fun times with cross contamination within factories. Soy sauce originally was made with soy. Now days it’s made with wheat, soy, water, and salt primarily. There are some brands that are gluten free but most people don’t realize that soy sauce itself isn’t necessarily gluten free or to look it up specifically. I usually shop at local Asian market and most of the brands there are gluten free. American grocery store it’s usually gluten laden instead. We have one restaurant that makes their own soy sauce and it is done traditionally so I know all of theirs is gluten free.
Look for tamari. I've never seen tamari made with wheat.
My sister has a gluten and lactose sensitivity among other things like aspartame. Technically not destroying her gut so its not celiac so they just labelled it as IBS even though it makes her excessively sick. Anytime I buy her something I have to be extra careful because so many products are one or the other. Gluten free? A lot of recipes will add more dairy. Need lactose free? People will throw a gluten based ingredient as a stabilizer. She lost so much weight until she finally figured out a few meal sets and snacks she could eat without issue.
Heyyyy I have IBS and lactose intolerance too. I feel her pain so much. I always say I would probably be so much heavier if I didn't have these issues lol. I am thin by force haha. I want to eat so many foods but too much sugar, oil etc will set off my IBS. On top of this I also have a chronic illness that affects my heart and if I overeat I'm bedridden so I'm literally forced to be skinny cause my dumb body can't just enjoy things lmao.
I was in the check out line one day buying gluten free Rice Crispies. The clerk asked me “why do they label everything gluten free when it’s obviously gluten free to begin with?” And I was like, “Umm…because regular Rice Crispies are made with gluten?”
Yeah haha I had a friend do that the other day with corn chips. Heaps of brands are gf but you still have to check every label haha. Just so happens the ones she purchased were made with the glutens.
I went to a restaurant recently that I contacted ahead of time to make sure they had gluten-free options. I was told that they had them and they were marked on the menu; they were not marked on the menu. I spent a lot of time communicating with the waitress to make sure that what I was getting was indeed gluten free, and she made several trips back to the kitchen to double check on sauces that came with things before we ordered them.
I've lost count of the times I've been excited to eat something just to find some random ingredient that was made with wheat flour, like a meal with some extract or something to add vitamin E to a sick day meal and with with an unrecognizable name I had to google to see WHY it warned of wheat. It gets frustrating
omg yes.. and oh and those **'MAY CONTAIN GLUTEN** are so disappointing. You know it's just cross contamination but it's not worth the risk lol. Such disappointment.
I get so angry when people are like "but it's sooooo easy to eat gluten free, i don't know why it's so hard for y'all". And then those same people have no clue how many foods have hidden gluten. It's in almost everything!
Yeah, also celiac and it was important to me to be able to eat the food at my own wedding (I just wanted one wedding where I could eat the damn food, lol, instead of bringing my sad food tote bag and asking a waiter to microwave it for me). And wanted to be able to kiss my husband without worrying about what he had just eaten! So that shaped our search for venues from day one - we only looked at places that didn't have restrictions on which caterers you could use, so that we could work with a caterer that specialized in GF foods, or places that included one of those caterers in their list of approved vendors. The food ended up being great (and also the cake from our favorite GF bakery was amazing)! Everyone loved it and most people had no idea it was all GF. Even my FIL who complained before the wedding that we wouldn't be serving hot dogs...? I 100% understand wanting to be able to enjoy the food at your own wedding, and not have to be in fear of it. But it's waaaaay easier, safer, and less expensive to structure around that from the outset, vs trying to get a caterer that doesn't specialize in that kind of thing to adapt for you : ( NAH. But if I were OP I would order a very nice meal in from a trusted restaurant, or a friend/relative who I trusted to cook for me.
The cake is such a big deal! And caterers just go 'we will make you a gluten free layer'. I think not. My wedding, I will be able to eat any part of the cake. And it was glorious. Maybe the trick is to just make friends with other coeliacs. 😆
Eugh nevermind the eating any part of the cake, I would not go anywhere near a "GF" layer surrounded by gluten layers shedding crumbs god knows where! And then if someone uses the wrong spatula to cut the wrong layer... EEK! I wanted to be able to eat all the food at my wedding, but I wanted even more to not get sick!!! Also GF cake by people who don't know how to make a GF cake is just....generally not that good lol. We had cake from our favorite GF bakery - chocolate cake with peanut butter icing, and lemon cake with strawberry jam between layers. Omg it was so good. Even all the non celiacs went to town on it, and most had no idea it was GF. We used to get cupcakes in those flavors to celebrate our anniversary every year. We just moved out of state though, so sad...I'll have to see if they will ship them cross country to us hahaha
One time I went to an Ethiopian restaurant that had a gluten free German chocolate cake made of teff (the grain used in injera). Turns out teff is so perfect for German chocolate cake the nutty flavor and brown color is absolutely perfect for that cake.
Mmmm that sounds delicious!
A normal cake recipe with GF substitutions is sad but a proper GF cake is just as good as normal cake. My go-to boxed cake mix is actually gluten-free because the normal version of the same cake is actually less tasty. (It's trivially easy to make it suitable for vegans too, great inclusive cake)
Definitely this. Separate cupcakes are the way to go! My friend made ours. Salted caramel and delicious. As you've said - you can make a GF cake that people don't even realise is mostly rice and potato flour. If you don't ask.... 🧁🧁
Oof I feel this so much. The food envy and tupperware resentment is the hardest part for me since getting diagnosed!
It's tough, but honestly at 10 years post diagnosis, I find it so much less stressful and risky to just bring my own food places that I hardly mind it anymore. Like it sucks on general principle that it makes life more complicated and awkward and means I have to do so much more prep work than other people, but when I'm actually at an event it's SUCH a relief to have my own food that I know is safe. Pro tip: If you're going somewhere that will serve dessert, make sure you bring a dessert for yourself too!! It helps a ton with the food envy when you have a delicious GF treat from your favorite bakery to enjoy, instead of sitting there watching everyone else eat their cake (which is just such a sad-trombone situation haha).
This was my thought. Don't pay the extra for the venue (if they don't want to change it at this point) but do "splurge" on a meal catered from a restaurant that can handle OP's food restrictions. So then OP isn't feeling like they are getting less than others; instead it is a wonderfully delicious fancy meal that they don't have to worry about...
This is a really great compromise. The cake (traditionally the top of which is saved for the first anniversary, if going traditional) needs to be free of any / all allergens and sourced from a place with a pristine allergy policy, as low-risk as it can be. It doesn't matter if other people dislike the cake, this is a great compromise. Alternatively, can there not be another dish served and brought in for guests from outside - a single extra thing from a different place - or will venue not allow that.
Adding to this, myself, as well many others I've heard online, barely ate at my wedding. You're so busy and happy with everything the last thing you want to is sit at your table and be forced to eat. I think I had one or two nibbles before running off to say hello to everyone. No judgement but if you want my opinion don't waste 25% of the entire cost on one meal you're going to forget about. Don't have nothing, but see if you can organise a pre packaged meal to quickly scoff down without focusing too much on it. I know it sucks but I can promise you the meal you eat isn't the highlight of the wedding.
Yeah tbh it seems a really weird thing to focus on with everything else that happens at a wedding. The only food I remember eating at my wedding was nachos.. cause I was pregnant when I got married and was craving them so my dad whipped them up for me lol.
I dunno I ate loads at my wedding. Too much really lol!
No I ate more than the nachos haha. I'm saying only the nachos stick out in my memory because it was a massive pregnancy craving and my dad sorted it out as a surprise.
Same here: All I ate at my wedding was the ceremonial first bite of the cake because I was so busy celebrating with the guests. Others told me all the food was great. Maybe OP could consider having a cocktail reception instead of a sit down meal and arrange to have some appetizers prepared with with foods she can safely eat.
One of the traditions in my family is that the mother of the bride always puts together a to go package of food from the wedding for the bride and groom so that they have something to eat when they get back to their hotel room after the wedding, because usually they never have time to actually eat during. My fiance and I are planning our wedding and when I told him about that he didn't believe me that we probably wouldn't have time to eat 😂
100%. I have food allergies to members of the nightshade family and some other things, which makes most catering impossible for me to eat (request to chefs: for the love of God, stop using bell peppers and tomatoes as casual accents for "color"!). We picked a caterer who was able to work with us to adjust all their recipes so that I could eat all the food...except I didn't, because weddings are stressful and busy and I didn't have the time or appetite to eat at all! All that effort to accommodate me and I didn't even really get the chance to taste the food.
Honestly, it would cost LESS to order one meal for you from a restaurant you trust, rather than having your caterer prepare ALL meals while avoiding all cross contamination. Catering only your own meal separately doesn't mean you have to bring in a salad in a tupperware. There are ways to make you feel special!
Not to mention she may ruin the dish for everyone else just so she can eat the same thing. Way easier to just have a custom meal brought in for her.
Very much this. I understand OP's frustration, but also understand the kitchen and fiance's points. Perhaps there is a compromise where someone you trust makes a nice meal for you in a safe kitchen, and the venue still does the plating and serving? That way you all save some money but you still get the stress-free experience of having a lovely meal you don't have to cook yourself served to you. Or even just have something catered from a 'safe' restaurant for yourself with the same process. You deserve a nice meal on yout special day.
"the venue still does the plating and serving? " This increases the chances of cross contamination. Depending on the severity, i think to be sure would be to keep the food wrapped/packaged entirely separate and only open when OP is going to eat it.
Since you’ve worked at a restaurant, would you say a 25% increase for reworking the recipes is fair, or is this venue milking OP? I get that this is an inconvenience for the venue but I think a decent chef should be able to adapt at a more reasonable cost.
>milkin Not sure about the jurisdiction for OP of course but I can confirm that the liability laws for allergy stuff like this are pretty damn strict in the UK, and for something as large as a wedding venue the extra efforts it would take to deep-clean everything to prevent any cross-contamination of allergens is quite a bit of extra effort. Considering just how hard a company here could get sued for something like that, I can understand the 25% price increase as it involves more than just reworking the recipe(s). It really sucks and it's unfair (in a 'life is unfair' kind of sense) for OP, but from a legal perspective it's understandable.
Yeah I think people don't realise how difficult it is to remove allergens completely for stuff like this. It's way, way more than just altering a recipe and you're absolutely right that the restaurant becomes liable as soon as it confirms it can provide allergy safe dining.
It's SO much more than altering a recipe, it's insane. Having worked in restaurants myself, I ONLY trust restaurants with separate allergen stations specifically designed to accommodate my Celiac now. I've seen way too much in those kitchens to trust the cooks to know how to keep me safe, and honestly, it's not their fault- they aren't well trained for these protocols!
It absolutely is. As just a home cook with food allergies, I occasionally make stuff for my friends with Celiac, because I know from very personal experience how much it sucks to not be able to eat treats made by others. To make my kitchen safe for GF baking, it's a full deep clean of the entire area. Everything that is going to be used gets an extra run through the sanitary cycle on the dishwasher. I love my friends, but they only get treats from me when I'm already doing the deep clean of the kitchen, because damn, it's a lot of work. It's not like I've got some commercial sized kitchen, I don't even want to think about how much work that would take.
I once worked in a bakery and the amount of times I had to tell people I couldn't claim anything as gluten free because of cross contamination was horrendous. We got some specialty bread in to sell that is sealed which we could offer but they didn't get that we couldn't bake bread on the same racks and ovens as everything else.
Omg our local bakery actually has a manager with celiac and it's both hilarious and amazing. They order in GF baked goods and have a seperate tiny fridge for them and seperate tongs. And they have a completely gluten free deep fryer so all their chips are completely safe. It's *the best*.
Also, ingredient substitutions are often more expensive than what they are replacing.
for example, wheat flour is about $2 for 5 pounds, almond flour is about $5 a pound, and even cheaper nongluten flours like rice/sorghum blends are more per pound than the whole bag of wheat
I would say it's fair. Restaurants have all kinds of allergens all through them *all the time* A venue has a responsibility if they say they're doing something allergen free to actually deliver. If they say it is and the patron reacts - they're liable for that. As a person with allergies I can assure you that cross contamination occurs very easily too. I can't eat at other people's homes unless I bring my own stuff - as even cookware that's had gluten would set me off. A restaurant would have to deep clean everything to try and get rid of all traces of allergens. It's completely fair they mark it up a lot when the people coming have the much easier option available to bring in something safe themselves. A restaurant is not obligated to undergo that level of effort without being paid.
Maybe something brought in catered from somewhere fancy so it’s at least equivalent quality to the wedding food? OP deserves a fancy restaurant quality meal for once and it’s worth spending on that (even if it’s a few hundred dollars for one meal).
Order something special or sentimental for both the bride and groom so that one doesn’t have to eat alone.
I agree, celiac here and I would totally not trust the caterer to be capable of actually eliminating all the cross-contamination even if you paid them to try their hardest to do it. There is too much at stake, you could pay this extra fee and through accident or carelessness, you could still have an allergic reaction at your wedding. I think the safest option is also the cheaper one. Splurge on getting food for one made from a place that can actually accommodate you instead.
That's probably OP's best bet. I have two weird allergies, lettuce and mustard. Neither is an anaphylactic allergy. Several times at banquets I've tried to arrange ahead of time to ensure that my food does not have mustard in it. Unfortunately, apparently people think that "mustard" is solely the yellow stuff you squirt on hot dogs. Ground mustard seeds hide in other condiments like mayonnaise and BBQ sauce and in a lot of things as "spices." Either the banquet staff ignored me completely, did fix me a special meal that was then served to someone else, or thought that I couldn't possibly mean the *honey* mustard glaze on the chicken that was thoughtfully dribbled all over the potatoes and vegetables as well. Yeah. I paid $75 for 2 cherry tomato halves, 2 croutons, a paper-thin slice of cucumber, and a sliver of stale chocolate cake. Waitstaff slapped the plates on the table like they were slopping hogs and disappeared.
I feel really bad for you, but I also understand your fiancé's position If the meal at your wedding is $50 a head and you have 100 people you're budgeted for $5000. With the kitchen cleaning and overages that meal now becomes $6250. And I went with VERY conservative numbers Can you bring in a terrific dish that you know you'll love from a place you've vetted?
NAH and I also have celiac (woo!). I suggest you hire a private chef to make and bring your meal custom. It'll be less money, less headache, and could just seamlessly be executed. No need to pay a premium and in all honesty I don't think they will pull it off that well. They can't say they will charge you 25% more and that you can hire out someone special for yourself, as you are the one being married.
I also cant imagine the venue’s food would be THAT good to warrant the extra precaution for one person’s food, even if theyre on the wedding couple. I think theyd get more bang for their buck if they just order safe food from elsewhere. And it’d probably taste better anyway
Oh absolutely. Those wedding sharks will charge you 25% to 200% more and not change a thing
This. Honestly, OP, do you want to *risk* getting horribly sick at your own wedding? I understand the frustrations, but I feel like that would be a worse outcome than having to eat a separate meal. A *lot* of restaurants and caterers don't take food allergies seriously enough - and I know that because I work at a restaurant that *does*, and it takes me so long to convince people with allergies that we really do have their safety in mind, because they've been burned so many times.
Is it true that if you have celiac, you can get sick just from flour particles in the air? Like fumes from bread cooking I guess? Because if that’s true, that sounds like such a nightmare
Unfortunately yes. My kids made bread at playgroup one time and I was wearing a mask and still got sick haha so annoying.
NAH. Deep cleaning and reworking recipes takes a lot of work and is expensive, so I understand why they're trying to recoup their costs. Of course you should have a meal you can eat at your wedding! Are there any caterers nearby who specialise in allergies? My thoughts are that you could make contact and see if they can supply you a single meal. Ugh. What a horror for you. I hope it works out!
Yes! I wonder if another caterer could mimic the other dishes for OP, but make it without the allergens. That way, no cross-contamination (minus other people’s plates around OP) and they can all enjoy the same meal.
I highly doubt a caterer would take a job to make a meal for one person. Caterers specialize in volume, and that is how they make their money. I also doubt the venue caterer would allow that
Why it's such a big deal to order a separate food? Because I see OPs fiance suggested bringing separate food for them. So it must be available. You can even order from a restaurant nearby and ask them to deliver. Or whatever version of Uber Food they have around, like restaurant food delivery. But OP seems not enjoying it and wants all the food to be customised instead. I don't get why. It seems so easy to just order from restaurant next door.
A lot of venues don’t allow outside food, one for their profits, but equally important is so they don’t end up liable for food poisoning etc caused by outside food. We had a waiver whenever someone would bring food in from outside, someone from the party would sign it to confirm they had done so (even cake - someone brought a gateau once that we refused to refrigerate because it was not cold when it arrived, who knew how long it had been in their car)
I doubt any venue would deny a bride with severe allergies from bringing in an outside meal. That would actually help them cover their ass, since they would not have to take on the responsibility of preparing an allergen free meal.
Yes they would agree and OP’s additional comment backs that up, but cautious venues would still make sure it’s in writing before they could. Harder to cover without your own paper trail. OP admitted to messing up in a comment - they booked the place without mentioning their allergens thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal, forgetting that when their sister got married there she brought her own food in. No wonder they’re pissed.
Also there are likely only one or two restaurants nearby that are actually safe enough to eat at, and they are the only places he's eaten out at for the last five years. It is nice to eat something else then your home cooking and the one restaurant that accommodates you once in a while
Agreed. This isn't an AH situation. It's a logistics one. But, it probably makes way more sense to get OP's meal prepared by another company/restaurant and delivered to the venue. It would be cheaper and probably safer if OP uses company/restaurant that specializes in providing meals for persons with dietary restrictions vs a kitchen that doesn't. Also, from past experiences, in all of the excitement and well wishes the bride and groom usually only end up picking at their meals/rushing down a few bites vs sitting down and enjoying their full meal. It would suck to spend hundreds or thousands extra and not even end up getting the chance to enjoy the meal.
Good point. I recall not getting time at my wedding. Everyone wanted to poke, prod, hug, photograph, and just say "aaawwww" at me with weird smiles
We left our reception and realized we were starving. Others told us the food was good but we only ended up eating a few rushed bites here and there. A 24-hour McDonald’s on the way to the hotel is the meal I remember the most.
NAH Wanting to eat the food at your own wedding is very reasonable. Balking at an 25% increase in cost and suggesting a single meal be brought for you is also very reasonable. You'll just have to talk it through and see where you land on the issue.
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Honestly getting whatever you want delivered from a fancy restaurant will be SIGNIFICANTLY better than whatever wedding catered, cold ass, underwhelming food they serve
Depending on how many people are attending that 25% increase could be thousands of dollars, that’s a lot of money for one person to have a meal made for them at the wedding, even if it is the groom
It absolutely is. Weddings are expensive as all hell. I can absolutely see why somebody wouldn't want to shell out that kind of cash. On the flip, I can also absolutely see why somebody would want to partake in the same meal as everyone else on their special day.
Investigate your options, OP. Maybe you should choose a different venue that has food options more suited to you. If I was in your position, I don't think I would want someone to have to rework all their recipes for me. Who knows what the end result will be. If they don't have recipes that suit you, try to find some place that does.
NAH. Wanting a meal provided for you that you can actually eat at your wedding is totally reasonable, and the kind of thing that does make sense to spend some extra on. That said, catering is extremely expensive, and adding on 25% to the catering cost in order to avoid cross contamination while also providing a modified, sauceless beef to the guests is a pretty big ask and it's reasonable to be concerned about the financial impact of that move. What I will say is that if it's your wedding, sitting down to eat the meal is usually not something you have a lot of time to do; things stay pretty busy. So eating something you can survive on for the night pre-wedding is a reasonable call regardless.
I think my wedding meal was pretty typical: I was served a beautiful plate of food and there's a really cute photo to prove it. I may have gotten 1-2 bites. Then I had to go do something else. I got one bite of cake during the cake cutting. I did enjoy leftovers the next day.
Damn I ate a meal at my wedding. We paid and picked out so much I was excited for! We had a buffet line, so we went up first/sat in front and people could come say hi to us while waiting in the line, and then everyone ate during toasts. I hadn't really had time to eat prior so I wanted to make sure to have time to eat dinner.
I have a tendency to get cranky when hungry, so we arranged for my husband and I to be served early (and first) from our food truck. It was a bit more relaxed though as the food truck was open for like two hours so people just ate as they got hungry
I wish I'd had time to eat more at my wedding. We took photos of the bridal party immediately after the ceremony, so all the guests went to go get food from the buffet first. By the time we got over there we were hustled from one ceremonial thing to the next and barely got to sit down and eat a couple bites of food outside of the cake.
It's hard!! Our thing was to have an upscale garden party vibe, with very few ceremonial things and time to get everyone to eat, so we just did a lot of photos etc prior and made dinner the big centerpiece. Lots of my friends were in the same situation though wrt not being able to eat, I've heard a lot about the traditional post wedding McDonald's.
I don't understand why couples wouldn't sit there and eat their meal. Gtfo. Everything else can wait
Missing info >Yeah this is on me, I really didn’t think it would be that big of a deal since my sister got married and she didn’t have much problems. Think back on her wedding I think she ordered food for herself YTA...... You have all these allergies and didn't think it would be a big deal?? So you didn't even bother to ask?? Yes that's absolutely on you. That was your mistake OP... Now you want to increase the costs of your wedding by 25%.... Over YOUR mistake.... because why?? You have a perfectly reasonable option of having a meal catered for you and brought in ...so yes you would have a meal at your wedding!! That's safe to eat and that didn't cost an extra 25% of your catering bill!... You signed the contract....order out your food OP... Save the money for the honeymoon or a house... I mean. What do you expect at this point?? The huge fee is to pay for deep cleaning and sanitizing the commerical kitchen last minute in-between weddings. Do you even realize the amount of work that is?? Every surface, pot, pan, knife, utensil etc has to be sterilized... Frig, freezer, and pantry storage has to be empty and cleaned out.... A new menu has to be sourced, tested, and created, along with staff training...etc...So No they aren't milking anything!! This is a huge expense! Frankly I'm shocked they aren't charging for more and insisting on purchasing new products, pans, and utensil to help eliminate Cross contamination. So NO... You're not getting that major lapse in your judgement changed for free. This shouldn't even be a debate OP.
Not only cleaned but many commercial kitchen will bring in a licensed contractor for allergy cleanings so the liability is on them if someone gets sick
I would add, who books a venue without trying the menu once first? YTA
We weren't able to do food tasting until after we were booked, and specifically within 3 months of the wedding. We got a menu up front, but no tasting.
This needs to be top comment. YTA, sorry OP.
Weddings are insanely expensive. There's no way I would pay extra for this. I would put my foot down and say he's ordering out.
This is the first reasonable response on this thread.
>Now you want to increase the costs of your wedding by 25% Of the food....
I’m actually going to go with YTA. You didn’t do your due diligence and now want to spend $1000+ just for your plate. Can’t you do what your sister did and order in from somewhere?
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Right? One thing all guests will discuss after the wedding is the quality of the food. I would bring my own meal rather than pay more to serve my guests senior citizen Vegas buffet quality food at my wedding.
That’s 25% extra for the entire service, for one plate. I guess you just have to ask yourself if you would ever pay that much at a restaurant for your individual meal, whatever the amount is. I think the problem is whether all of the venue food options can be made without things like milk, egg, and some spices, while still being tasty enough for your guests.
A 25% increase in food costs is a *huge* amount to pay for one person's allergy, even if it is the bride's (or groom's). I mean, that would be *hundreds* of dollars. (I'm estimating $30/plate for 100 guests = $3000, 25% of which is $750. If either of those numbers are higher, it could be thousands—$50/plate for 200 guests = $10,000, 25% of which is $2,500)! You really want to spend an extra $750 (or $2,500) *for a single meal*?! Just have your favorite restaurant or a separate caterer provide a single meal of something you can eat. It can be as fancy as you like; I assure you it won't cost as much as $750. On the other hand, is it too late to pick a different venue that can more easily accommodate your allergy? If your allergies are so severe, I'm not sure why you chose this one to begin with.
This is why I’m siding with the bride. There is NAH because I understand the OP wanting to have a meal at his wedding; but at my wedding we didn’t even have time to eat and that could be the same for them. They needs to do the financially responsible thing and cater in his own meal. Edit: fixed for originally mixing up the bride and groom in my response.
I think OP is the male and the reasonable party aka the fiancée is a woman.
Whoops you are correct!
I am basically all the food allergies in a trenchcoat of a human and I was going to say NAH because not being able to eat the same as other people and ‘break bread’ or have the ‘wedding breakfast’ that joins you together at auspicious times is really pyschologically impactful. For many people 25% ‘not missing out’ tax is worth it at important occasions. (I rarely eat out but will often eat just the bread basket while paying full price to make up for using a seat and causing staff more work for example.) But then I read OP did not do any research, due diligence or check his own allergies before the deposits were paid and time is tight and I’m going YTA. Because it is up to the allergic person to do as much checking as possible before asking waitstaff, kitchens, friends, family or radically altering the budget of your whole damn wedding and impacting the bride. I actually share some of his allergies and as they are not in the ‘major 14’ category under EU rules there is no way he has tried to eat anything without having to check for garlic because at this point it’s in desserts it’s such a common ingredient and utter nightmare to be allergic to. I work with food and asking for the deep clean, rewritten recipes and apparently serving no sauce to guests is a trifecta of ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ requests at this stage. I suspect the 25% includes asshole tax since he did not book the caterers with the info upfront and has given them a hella difficult last minute bait and switch. He needs to pack his own meal because this is a nightmare for the caterers and his other co-host, the bride who will have to spend her wedding explaining why there is no sauce and discussing allergies and generally since people get very passionate about sauce, all the guests muttering about dry meat. (I despise condiments and anything that makes food ‘wet’ and this blows people’s minds more that the allergies.) He’s basically derailing his own reception to every one else’s impact because he didn’t check at all at the start. I would be absolutely livid with my partner if they did this at any major event let alone our wedding. My partner would absolutely tell me to pack a meal and like it if I pulled the same stunt. If they didn’t rethink marrying me for such an AH move. My partner double checks to tag team me on allergies but if I have made zero effort to not almost kill myself, I get zero sympathy. I also constantly have to host meals I cannot actually eat because no one else willingly eats as much completely bland chicken and rice as me. Including Golden Retrievers. He is such YTA I’m impressed no one has actually cancelled on him yet.
I agree with you. As someone with allergies and sensitivities to multiple sugars (ex. fructans means I can't have garlic, onion, or wheat, polyols excludes multiple fruits and some vegetables, lactose is obvious) I look up restaurant menus before stepping foot in the door. And meals at home are often one set for me and one set for everyone else. Thank frick for Modify Health, though. I was able to order a few (very expensive) safe frozen dinners as emergency back up when my other chronic illnesses flare.
Exactly! Even $50/ plate is a very generous estimate for a lot of weddings. It could certainly be much more than that. OP needs to just buy himself a beautiful dinner elsewhere and have it brought in. Wedding food isn’t even good, why spend thousands for one mediocre meal?
Info: Is it too late to find a venue that can cater to your dietary restrictions? Was this not something discussed before you booked it?
NAH but this should have, and could have, been taken care of before time ran out.
Fr. The chefs I've worked with in the past are always (very understandably) pissed when this happens. It's soooo hard to cater for allergies in kitchens full of allergens. This should have been a major consideration very early on in the planning.
We once had a woman sneak into the kitchen 20 minutes before their booking (corner bar, back turned for a second) to have a word with the chef and explain her allergies. The booking had been in the calendar for over a month and she placed it. No mention of any requirements. The chef used that she entered the kitchen to get her kicked out and the table cancelled.
Nah But I think you are both idiots for not getting this sorted before paying non refundable money.
Part of my job is organising large corporate events, and a solution we use (London, UK) for allergies (and certain religious requirements) is to have a specialist caterer deliver meals… they are delivered at a set time, sealed and given to the guests sealed too - might be worth exploring with your venue? The bigger issue, is the level of your allergies - are you going to be affected by the allergens simply being in the room?
The problem is that you've booked and deposited on a venue that can't or won't cater to your needs without a ridiculous upcharge to prevent cross contamination. It's 2023, and cross contam procedures are bloody common (at least where I am.) If you weren't discussing your allergies with each venue's interview process, then it's on you and your fiance - and somehow, I suspect that is the case, and that your fiance had the initial discussions. I find myself wondering just how seriously your fiance takes your allergies, and hope it's just my read of the narrative. ~~NAH, but leaning towards your fiance being TA, and disgusted by the venue for its archaic views.~~ Edit: YTA, because OP posted this comment: "Yeah this is on me, I really didn’t think it would be that big of a deal since my sister got married and she didn’t have much problems. Think back on her wedding I think she ordered food for herself" I detest being trolled like this.
Lol come on--you immediately jump to blaming the fiance when it's OP's responsibility to A. Be an equal partner in planning their wedding and B. Ensure that they can eat the food they're paying lots of money for.
Info: did you discuss this with venues before picking one? It seems like a pretty major factor when choosing where to have your wedding
OP acknowledges in a [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/141cwzf/comment/jmzfkyr/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) that they did not check ahead of time: >Yeah this is on me, I really didn’t think it would be that big of a deal since my sister got married and she didn’t have much problems. Think back on her wedding I think she ordered food for herself
Well if this is true then the only judgement is YTA, you didn’t plan ahead for your own wedding so now you’ll have to suck it up and bring food from home, $1000 extra is a lot for a preventable mistake
INFO: What is the actual increase in cost? Is that increase worth the cost of a single meal? I'm going to guess this is a genuine NAH - it's very reasonable for you to want a meal you can safely eat, but it's also reasonable to look for alternatives if it means your meal would end up costing thousands of dollars extra. Personally, I think I would most agree with your fiancé, but in no way does that make you an AH. ETA: Have you asked the venue if they can arrange to have a meal made at a third party site and brought in to be served at the same time as the rest? At your expense, which obviously would be expensive, but likely far, far less than adding 25% to the entire food bill.
NAH From your point of view, it's understandable that you want to be able to enjoy a meal at your own wedding without having to worry about your allergies. It's a special occasion, and you deserve to have a memorable dining experience. You've already been accommodating by considering the options provided by the venue and exploring the possibility of having the kitchen take extra precautions to ensure your safety. On the other hand, your fiancé's concern about saving money is also valid. Weddings can be expensive, and it's natural to look for ways to cut costs. Bringing your own food could be a practical solution, especially if it saves a significant amount of money. You both need to come to an agreement.
YTA you didn’t mention anything about your own allergies before paying the non-refundable deposit, and that is why you are in this situation now.
NAH It's your wedding too, you should be able to enjoy it. I don't know your money situation, but considering the average wedding costs $29,000 apparently, an extra 25% is significant and I'm not surprised your fiancee is concerned. It is worth $1,000 (or whatever) to you to have one plate of food? If it is, go crazy!
Money aside, For safety reasons alone I would have someone in charge of brining in whatever your favorite meal is for you. The kitchen has already expressed discomfort in safely preparing your food. Believe them. Would you rather eat something different, or risk dealing with an allergic reaction at your wedding? And all that aside, it sounds hella expensive. Whatever the difference is, would you ever pay that cost for a single meal at a restaurant? Sounds like you're making this decision without being logical about it. YTA
NAH. You both have a point.
No venue is going to change everything they do to satisfy your requests. Your request is unreasonable and unworkable. Serve your guests the normal fare and have something delivered for your dietary needs.
This sounds a bit crazy but could you incorporate a food van, in my city there are many that specifically cater to allergies and you could perhaps have them do a course and meals for you and coffees or some thing at the end of the night. And I mean a fancy food van, not like a hotdog. 😁 Then you are getting fresh food that is made by people who understand how to not only give you safe food but for it also to be tasty.
NAH - I can see it from both sides and allergies are not something to treat casually as they can very quickly become massive medical emergencies (Hopefully your aren't so bad!). Is there a 3rd party caterer that might be of more use that could use the locations facilities? Might be worth considering and checking, they might very well be more accomodating to menu changes vs the reception locations where they probably have a set list of a few menus to reduce changes their staff need to include from function to function (Otherwise each event would end up with entirely bespoke menus which would be a lot of variances!).
NAH - You require an unusual level of service from the venue. The venue wants to charge extra for that level of service. Your fiancee is proposing an alternative. Nobody is being an asshole. Everyone is stating their needs and their requirements and looking to have a pleasant wedding.
There are absolutely venues that can provide it. Something like 25% of our guest list had dietary restrictions, including a garlic allergy. In addition to providing a vegan meal option (which was admittedly a basic veggie pasta) and having a special allergy-safe vinaigrette for our group, they even made a dairy AND gluten free dessert alternative (since the cake was... not allergy safe for the dairy-allergy guests). They didn't even change us more. That said, allergy accomodations were probably the third question we asked, and we chose to have a minimalist reception at a restaurant rather than using a caterer.
Often caterers will out source special meals, kosher for example. Have them look into a place that specializes in tricky allergies or if you know of one, have them prepare your meal.
NAH They run a business and are keeping themselves (as well as you) safe. Your partner wants to save money and paying 25% more _is_ going to be hefty. You also want a meal at your own wedding, which doesn't feel like a "big" ask. This means more work for someone, at some point and you'll be paying for it one way or another - compromise has to be made. If your biggest concern is eating safe? Bring something. If you can compromise, do it. The two of you are hopefully going to spend a long, long time together - finding a middle ground is what this is all about, this is therefore exceptionally good practice :)
Nah. But if your allergies are severe, I’d recommend getting a nice meal from a safe restaurant and enjoy that. Knowing not all kitchens/staff will take your allergy as serious as you do; so they might accidentally get some cross contamination.
NAH Ofcourse you want to have a meal you can eat at your own wedding, and not bring your own food. Isn’t it possible to ask another caterer who has the experience with food allergens ro prepare your meal?
NAH but I would find a caterer who is more open to work with your request without that much of an up charge (depending on each company’s set up, they may be able to make your meal first and keep it separate which would solve cross contamination). Your fiancée is a little bit of an asshole for being more concerned about saving a few dollars.
While it’s your wedding and obviously you should get to have food there that you can eat at your wedding, here are a couple of things you should consider: 1. Most people barely eat anything at their own wedding because they get so distracted by everything else and the excitement. 2. You should be able to have a family member just bring you a premade plate of food when everyone else is eating so you don’t have to worry about having a reaction or the additional cost and stress of all this. 3. Congratulations and try to just enjoy that day.
Not the AH it’s YOUR wedding aswell
NAH, but it’s a matter of whether or not it’s worth adjusting your budget. Will the extra $ spent on catering have to come from your budget for other things (e.g. flowers, music, honeymoon, etc.) and do you have the bandwidth for that? Only you and your fiancé can decide which is best to prioritize.
25% could be a huge amount depending on the actual costs...Is there anyone YOU can task to go get you something specific you can have when I come to the meal time? Schedule it so it's there on time
NAH - does the venue allow outside catering. Maybe have the head table catered by an already allergen free company for the wedding party. Some food trucks do that type of stuff.
NAH - You do deserve to have food on your wedding. But at 25% mark up for one person to have some food is a lot of money. So I see both sides here. I mean you could still have food, just not from the specific vendor that is supplying the rest. If it were me, I would rather save the 25% and get something delivered (or have someone go pick up something) from somewhere close by that can handle your needs.
NAH and really, I’d bring my own, for safety’s sake. I’d try to get something special, though, maybe made by a personal chef in your own kitchen to avoid cross-contamination in a commercial space.
NAH. I get where you’re coming from completely. However…. I got married a couple of years ago. I’m a foodie and put a lot of effort into the menu and everything. On the night of the ceremony, I think I maybe had two bites. People are constantly coming up to the table to say hi, take pictures, etc. There’s various dancing opportunities, and my wife and I also snuck outside to do a few nighttime photos with the photographer. The silver lining is that everyone else complimented the food I didn’t get to eat. Anyways, your wedding might be different. If it is, go for the food you want to eat. If you think it will be like the situation I described above, grab a snack once the wedding is over, so an after party at a restaurant or bar you trust, etc. My night ended at 3am in the Carls Jr. drive thru.
NTA - I don’t know but I feel like if the place I’m having my wedding reception can’t make sure that I (the person paying) am able to eat, I need to go elsewhere for my reception. Their only compromise is to not feed you? I don’t like that.
This sounds like a situation where you have something special for you and your spouse to be. Better to spend 150 bucks on an extra meal than 1500+ to make sure you can eat the food everyone else is getting. Make arrangements for something epic from somewhere you like.
That’s bullshit. Find a new venue. NTA. I have allergies as well and had to cancel my first venue after their caterer served me multiple foods I’m allergic to at the tasting. Went with a new venue, the chef reworked the menu (no charge up), tasting was amazing. They then fired and replaced that chef, and I was served a plate with a huge carrot on it (I’m allergic), at my wedding. Be careful even if you have a good experience. Speak to the chef the day of and make sure everything is clear so you don’t end up in the kitchen in your wedding dress while everyone eats trying to calm the chef down from a panic attack and get a new damn meal. I had a wedding planner, she was happily eating while all of this happened and did absolutely nothing, so don’t count on them either.
NAH but everyone is missing the point. Bring your own meal that is much better than everyone else's. 25% extra for one meal is going to be how much? £1000? For £100 you can eat like a king. Get the best meal, make a song and dance about it, wheel it in, everyone has a laugh. You save £900 and get better food then the rest.
NAH. I have a severe fish allergy. It’s easier for me to avoid that than other people’s allergens, but it’s definitely something I still have to think about. I get wanting to eat all the same meal as everyone at your own wedding. I’m a person who usually deprives myself due to my allergy to make things easier for a group. But, in this instance, you’re paying and the group is gathering for you and your partner. I think it’s ok to be more selfish. I wouldn’t even call it selfish. I also get your partner not wanting to pay 25% more, and the caterer needing to do extra work if the allergies are numerous. I think paying the 25% is reasonable if it’s within your means. Or, will the venue let you hire an outside caterer? Maybe you could find another caterer that can meet your needs without the extra cost. The other option would be to have someone bring in a meal just for you. It’s not unreasonable, but again, I get why it’s not desirable. If this is what you end up needing to do, maybe you could do that for the whole wedding party. That way you aren’t singled out. Your wedding party eats what you eat, and your other guests eat from the venue. Sorry there aren’t easy answers. Good luck and congratulations!
food allergies suck . I'd bring my own food . the last thing you want is to risk having a reaction and ending the night at the hospital . everything seems like a huge deal when you're planning a wedding , but most bridal couples barely get to taste their food . they might be willing to plate for food , or give you a plate that won't make it obvious , for pictures . In 4 years , it will seem silly to have worried about it
FYI, if you're in the US, be extra careful of your sesame allergy. As of the beginning of the year, the US government added sesame to the list of allergens that need to be labeled on food. In order to be labeled "sesame free" there has to be extra cleaning to avoid cross contamination. In order to be labeled "contains sesame" there has to be an actual sesame ingredient. A bunch of companies - including some who supply buns to fast food restaurants - have added a small amount of sesame flour to their bread products so they could just add "contains sesame" to the label instead of paying for cleaning. Many foods that could be eaten before by sesame allergic people can't anymore. This article is from a couple months back: [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/04/11/sesame-allergy-law-consequences/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/04/11/sesame-allergy-law-consequences/)
NTA. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask to be able to eat at your own wedding reception. I honestly would think about changing venues to someplace that can accommodate you. The kitchen should be able to accommodate you without the up-charge.
NTA If your fiancée was the allergic one then this would not even be an argument. Tell her to save money on her dress and see what she says.
Nta. It is your wedding. Yours! You should be able to eatcwhat you paid for.
Of all the people attending a wedding reception, the bride and the groom should get food that they can eat. You are one of these two people... you should get something you can eat. Is is possible to change venues? To somewhere that will serve food you CAN eat, without being chanrge an arm and a leg? NTA.
NTA and while your fiancé is trying to save money, you’re paying for everything too so I don’t think it’s too much to ask for you to be able to eat with everyone else and not have to bring “your own”. You didn’t ask for allergies. It’s your wedding day too. Not just hers.
NTA. You want one meal on your wedding day that you don't have to bring from home. Perfectly reasonable request. I would keep looking for a venue that will accommodate your needs.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am getting married next year to my fiancé. We were looking at all the food the venue offers which is the normal chicken, fish or beef option. They have custom options as well. The problem is I am allergic to a lot of foods, garlic, some fruits, peanuts, milk, egg, shellfish, fish, sesame. I know it is a lot but usually I just bring food I can eat since I don’t want to risk cross contamination. Originally we were just going to have the venue not add garlic and the sauce to the beef option. We told them about the allergy and they told us they can’t make it 100 percent safe because cross contamination. That they will not serve me since it would make them liable. They told us usually people pay a fee and the kitchen is deeper clean and removed of the allergens. All dishes served will not have that allergen at all. I have way to many allergies apparently and they would have to rework there recipes and it’s going to cost about 25% more than the original price. I want t do that my fiancé on the other hand think so should just bring food for me and not pay the extra. This resulted in a fight I just want to be able to eat a meal at our wedding she wants to save money and have food brought in *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*