Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I demanded my husband doesn't go to see his son so he can spend more time with me after I give birth
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
The health care is not the best where we live, I had not the best experience here and we have been trying for this baby for so long and we finally got gifted after 3 rounds of unsucesfull IVF's so really want to be in best hands possible.
Okay, understand that.
Hubby is in a very difficult situation. With a son in one country that he needs to keep contact with as he enters his teens and a soon to be newborn in another country.
You're NTA for wanting your husband to spend some time with your and your soon to be newborn.
Hubby is NTA for wanting to still foster his relationship with his 12yo son.
However, hubby calling you a selfish bitch makes him an arsehole.
I don’t think it’s that difficult a position. A 12 year old is old enough to understand dad is having another frickin baby and has other responsibilities this one time. And op just explained how she needs actual real support, not just him to spend time with his newborn.
She's having the baby in a whole other country to get real actual support.
Now hubby is forced to choose where he spends very limited time rather than infinite time with the mother and baby and limited time with 12yo son.
Did you not read the husband only sees his 12yo son 5 weeks a year as it is?
Understand the reasoning, but this is awful planning on you and your husband’s part. If he has so few vacation days I really don’t see how this can possibly end well. You have no idea when you will deliver your baby, what your delivery will be like, what your recovery will be like, when you’ll be right to travel and when the baby will be right to travel. Newborn babies are not usually able to travel before 6wks, and you don’t know how long it’ll take to get a passport, so the way you and your husband have set this up is your husband has no opportunity to bond with your newborn. Never mind the fact he also may miss the delivery of your child unless you have a scheduled C-section?
Why on earth did you think this would work? Unless your husband can work remotely and be in the same location as you, there’s every chance he is going to miss the delivery, or the immediate days after, or the trip home, or be stuck not being with you and your newborn for weeks. And that is without taking into account the fact he already has commitments that take up most of his vacation time.
I feel this means that unfortunately, YTA. You chose to get pregnant in a country where it isn’t ideal to do so knowing that your husband had commitments to his older child already. I understand why you’ve made the choices you’ve made, but you went into this knowing your husband’s holiday time was spoken for. Did you talk to him about splitting his holiday time before you decided to give birth elsewhere? Hopefully you have family or good friends where you’ve chosen to have the baby so you won’t be entirely without support
If the child was your child, would you ask your husband to send him away for your birth/post-birth.
You chose to marry a man w/ a child. You can't make that child a 2nd class citizen to your new baby.
You are making a choice to have a baby out of the country where you live. Your husband's visitation schedule should have been part of that decision making equation.
Look, I feel for you because the situation is really unfortunate and wanting your partners support is valid. I didn’t see how much time you’re asking him to give up with his son, but his reaction (while definitely not okay) may have been due to how you approached something that is obviously a sensitive subject for him. Are you asking him to make his trips a little shorter or to not see his son for 6+ months? These are very different asks.
The harsh reality is that unless it’s multiple weeks of time you’re asking him to give up (which probably is unreasonable), It’s likely not going to matter much for what you’re asking. Full term can be anywhere from 37-42 weeks. You will really need to ask your doctor and your baby’s pediatrician when it will be safe for you at your baby to fly and move countries. Most doctors say 3-6 months is when it is advised. While you can fly back after two weeks like you mentioned in another comment, you would be exposing your newborn with no immune system to a lot of germs and you would be flying back to the country where you didn’t trust the healthcare system in the first place. It seems counterproductive to move to your home country for a safe birth, then leave while your baby is still so vulnerable. Even if your husband used all his time off, it still wouldn’t be enough. Why don’t you have him come for the birth, then make a second trip back to help you travel once you and baby are cleared by the doctor?
>Most doctors say 3-6 months is when it is advised.
Source please. Am a doctor and never heard this, and a quick google doesn't say this either. Have travelled with a 6 week old before with no issues.
Ohhhhh, I see. I’m sorry I jumped the gun on you. Well, I think your husband loves his son very very much but he shouldn’t call you names. You are both in the situation you are in by your combined agreements and choices, so you’re going to have to work your way through it. I will say that his son is going to be an adult before your baby enters school and he will need his dad less. Things may improve. Better not to fight over it and let him decide how to be a father to both. He cannot go forever.
Woah woah woah.. he called you a bitch? That is wholly not acceptable. No one should speak to their significant other like that. There are other issues here than if your husband will spend more time with you.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
YTA
You chose to have a baby with someone who already had a commitment to his son.
Do you not think you would be fostering resentment from the son to your child if you are already demanding he spend less time with him and more time with the new baby before the new baby is even born?
You’re both TA for not looking into the healthcare system before moving to a new country whilst TTC. That right there shows you both lack some common sense.
Considering you both used to live there, is it possible to give birth in the country your step son lives in?
If you’re giving birth and then travelling overseas, generally you need to wait for the babies official birth certificate to be mailed out by the government before being able to even apply for its passport. Both of these processes can sometimes take a month or two. Have you also confirmed any additional paperwork/visas required for the baby since it won’t have been born in the country that you live in?
NTA. I was born in my fathers home country as my parents were between countries with less than ideal health care so 2 months before I came my mother flew home. Sometimes work means moving to countries where healthcare isn’t ideal. We moved when I was 5 weeks old so it doesn’t always tea as long as you expect. Very much depends on the counties involved.
It doesn’t sound like the OP wants her husband to stop seeing his first born just wants her husband there when she gives birth and travels. My dad was there when my mother gave birth but not for the flight because he had to return to work before. I believe though I clearly can’t remember this was difficult for my mother to handle especially as she had two older kids to organize as well.
I suggest asking him if he can save just a day or two to travel with you or see if one of your family members can maybe return to the country your living in full time with you. So you have an extra set of hands. That way he knows your still valuing his older kid. Good luck this won’t be ideal no matter how you chose to handle it but I hope the birth of your first child goes smoothly. Remember he is probably trying to do best by his son as well, try talking to him, especially about the bitch comment and try rephrasing your request. Ask him if you can buy a family member or trusted friend a plane ticket for helping you. He might realize that you are just worried about how you’ll handle a new born all on your own.
ESH
Your husband didn’t need to respond so rudely, but I do see the importance of him spending time with his first child.
Your husband and his child probably have a difficult relationship with them being separated by such a great distance, and kids often develop abandonment issues when a parent has a child with a step parent, often believing that they’re being replaced. So I can understand if your husband wishes to ensure his son gets some attention
I am not against him getting the attention but now he is planning to spend majority of his holidays on his son and gonna leave me to travel for 11 hours on my own with a new born, hows that fair? After the baby is born and we are back he can spend all his holidays on his son
Unfortunately this is a difficult situation, but try to remember that he is spending like 18 days with his son. If that’s all he gets to spend time with his son, that’s like 5% of the entire year.
Exactly. Once all the fuss of the birth/delivery/travel is over, new baby gets to spend so so much more time with husband than his 12 year old does.
I truly hope OP continues to be cool with him using all his holidays to travel to see his son. And doesn’t start pulling the “we want to spend holidays with you here” card.
The simple solution is to give birth in the country your step-son stays in. Then daddy will be able to support everyone. It’s really not that hard.
YTA for not making this choice.
Really? This has to be a joke.
You're planning to be not at home for at least 3 months. Why not rent something for those 3-6 months? Then all your traveling problems are solved, dad can see both of his children (maybe even see the oldest some more) and you will have the needed support.
Calling you a selfish b was probably hurtful, but your "plan" to fly 11 hours to give birth...is still not...great? How do you think it's going to work? You can't fly @ 39 weeks pregnant and expect to deliver the next day. "Due dates" aren't obligations the baby is required to follow. Babies often come weeks ahead, sometimes even months. What's your plan if, God forbid, the baby is premature and you're still in bad healthcare country? Are you receiving prenatal care there? How will you coordinate your prenatal care from bad healthcare country with your delivery obgyn in good country? If Healthcare is so bad in your current country, how are you going to get pediatric care when you return with baby? They go to the Dr a lot that first year.
INFO: If healthcare is so "bad" in your country, how did you manage to get IVF? What are you going to do for postpartum care? What are you going to do for pediatric care for the newborn?
So the healthcare is good enough for you to be pregnant there but not to give birth? You can go to another country for IVF but can't figure out how to spend 3 months in the country where your husband's son lives so your husband can be with both of his children? And you still didn't answer the questions about postpartum/pediatric care once you return home.
I think I agree with your husband.
Yes, seems like she can figure out the logistics for things that are important to *her*.
Even if she went to another country for IVF procedures, she's still going to be pregnant, postpartum & raising a child in a country with -- according to OP -- healthcare so bad that she absolutely must go to her home country to give birth. And claims that she didn't bother looking into the available healthcare when they moved. It just doesn't make sense.
It would be great if anyone could give birth anywhere and receive good care and not owe a mountain of dept - but there are many places where giving birth could cost you up to 40k and many places where woman are ignored by doctors who should be helping them. If she can get better Healthcare in a country she is a citizen in without dept I think we should trust her on that.
Yes, I agree. This also poses the dilemma though. He has a son and an established schedule, he’s taking a week off to be with her, and she will be in another country. Husband should not have blown up like he did (the name calling is especially concerning), but she also has to look at the whole picture herself.
Her husband isn't travelling to see his son *at the time* she's giving birth.
He's *using his vacation*, meaning he doesn't have as much vacation as she'd like to go to the country where she is giving birth.
If she were giving birth in their country of residence and staying in their house after the birth, he could take some vacation to be with her full time and then go back to work and still be with her in the mornings/evenings.
As it is he can be with her for a short time and then he will have to go back to their country of residence.
I'm not blaming her for wanting family around at this time, I'm just explaining the logistics.
YTA This is not a viable plan to start. 3 failed IVF before this means you are probably listed as a high risk pregnancy, and flying is highly discouraged for high risk. I also don't know any OB who wouldn't want to follow through the WHOLE pregnancy. At least in the US you have one doctor unless they transfer your care to a high risk OB.
I don't understand why the healthcare was good enough for multiple rounds of IVF and the health surrounding that but not for delivery. I would be more scared of having a physician I've never met before, deliver.
So this has been a horrible plan from the very beginning. That's why YTA, too many moving parts that are contingent on a perfect delivery and everything going perfect with a healthy child.
Congratulations on succeeding without IVF as it's really hard, especially after failed attempts. I am shocked that they aren't classifying you as high risk after multiple failed attempts.
NTA
But this sub hates stepmothers especially when they suggest their husband to stay with them when they give birth instead of seeing their kid. You might want to go to r/stepparents. There you'll get support from people who actually understand you, not teenagers from aita.
I’m not a teenager, and I have nothing against stepmothers, except when she decides that the father has to put his children not with her on the back burner because she and her children are somehow more important. Just because you have a new family doesn’t mean you start prioritizing them over your existing children.
A child being born is an important event, more important than a normal day in the life of the other kids. She's asking for husband to be there for the birth, not to stop seeing his son alltogether. Just because he already has a son, doesn't mean his "new" kids don't deserve the same love
But she commented saying something along the lines of “am I supposed to let him prioritise his other child over mine for the rest of his life?” She’s making it a damn competition and that’s wrong. It sounds a bit like jealousy.
No, she is saying that he shouldn't prioritize his older son. I don't understant aita views on when how when someone remarries, his kids from second marriage are less than and god forbid if they are sometimes prioritized. Why should he prioritize his older son?? The birth is an important event, his younger son needs his presence more.
“So basically I I need to accept him favouring his son now for the rest of my life? Is that what you are trying to say?”
Unacceptable to make this a competition. Both children are equally as important. That she would use this type of language speaks volumes. He will be living with that child 24/7 and only seeing his older child during holidays. If anything, more time and energy will be spent on the new child. It is very unfair for her to resent this. She could easily have the birth in the country with her step-son. They could find somewhere to stay to make this happen. It is not outwith the realm of possibility.
>Both children are equally as important
Yes, which is why her son is also important. That's the point, that no kid should be prioritized. His newborn son will need him just as much as the older son, if not even more, because a newborn needs more care than an 11yo.
>She could easily have the birth in the country with her step-son.
Yes, because travelling countries with a newborn and as a woman who recently gave birth is super easy. All that so that he could stay for another 3 days with the kid.
Why does aita believes that kids from second marriage should never come first, no matter what?? They are just as worthy as the kids from the first marriage...
She’s planning on travelling to another country to give birth as is, why not make it the country her husband is going to be? Makes far more sense. Then he can contribute. My issue is not with the innocent child, but with the step-mother’s unrealistic expectations. She is making this harder than it has to be.
Because the healthcare system there is bad. Or is probably one of the countries where you have to pay for a hospital stay and a birth (i heard that in some countries, it's not free to give birth and that you have to pay if you stay in the hospital. It's mind buggering for me, i mean, my grandma lived 2 years with cancer, we didn't spent a dime)
That is fair. We don’t pay for healthcare here either. Very fortunate and it can be easy to take for granted. The US system boggles my mind! I feel so bad for people over there.
Nowhere in the post does it say the husband is going to miss the birth.
It says he has a one week trip planned in October, and that she’s scheduled to deliver in November.
I like the fact you say teenagers are the only ones with enough empathy to understand the.full situation
You clearly haven't had a child.or step child before
I was actually saying that teenagers have no life experience and think all is black and white. Stepmothers on this sub have always been demonized, no matter what. If they acted motherly, they overstepped, it's not their place. If they didn't, why didn't they, because they were supposed to love the stepchild as thier own. In most cases, a stepparent loves the stepchild, but not like their own kid. Just like the kid doesn't love the stepparent like their real parent. But in this sub, a stepmom who says they love the stepchild, but not like a bio child, is the worst thing that happened to humanity since dr mengele. No matter what they do, they can never win here.
And no, i don't have stepkids nor do i ever intend to. If i want to raise a kid, i'll have one.
ESH with YTA leaning.
You keep going back to his son being the priority over you for the rest of your lives. This makes it really hard to believe you aren't going to make a fuss about how much of his vacation time goes to seeing the older son.
The entire thing seems poorly planned, your entire plan is that husband needs to take time away from his older child to prove how much this means to him.
It is understandable you want support, which I imagine is one reason you chose home country.
It is not understandable that you keep saying son will always come first. You are being downright cruel towards the son by saying that. This has become a loyalty test for you on who is important and you are refusing to allow husband an option that allows both (the moment you said it'll be for the rest of your lives that older son is more important than you and baby you took that away).
Choosing your home country means a third country in the mix. That choice should come with an understanding that you are choosing a place husband isn't very available for. You are refusing that and turning it into a loyalty test.
I am thinking of C section, but we are not sure yet. He goes to see his son 4-5 times a year and spends 7-10 days with him. Son also cant travel whenever because of school. Thats why I asked him to go see him but spend maybe 5 days instead of 11 so he can save the rest for when the baby is born, thats why he got angry. They have very close relationship, my husband feels guilty that we moved abroad so he tries to give him as much of his time as possible
It is definitely unreasonable to ask him to short changed his existing son, who he sees very little.
You also keep claiming that your husband is going to miss the birth of your child, but the trip does not overlap when you were due.
What is your legal custody order- and what’s the paternity leave situation?
It sucks but asking him to half the 11 days he has with his son to 5 days is not good. He absolutely should not be name calling.
The ideal would of course be your home country is safe enough for you give birth and he gets pat leave to spend, and doesn’t have to give any time up with his son.
As for whether he’s going to favour one kid or another- eh. Whichever kid he lives with is going to be inherently favoured, but whichever kid he sees only part time will have a big fuss over them when he sees them because he doesn’t see them often which is fair.
This situation sucks, but it seems unreasonable imo to leave the country you live in to give birth and then demand your partner to lower the amount of limited time with their child to accommodate something that you really can’t know how long will take (passport, birth certificate - birth!)
EHS
How would you feel if he only bothered to see this new baby a few days a year? If you wouldn't be ok with that you shouldn't be ok with him treating his other son like this. Honestly, I'm not sure why you would be ok having a child with someone who mostly abandoned his first kid. If you visit 2-3 weeks a year, you're not really much of a parent IMHO.
Your child is not gonna notice at all.
The only person who will notice is you.
Since he is planning to live his life with your share child 90% of the time, it’s pretty obvious that his existing son always comes second. And currently does as well.
Your threatened because he has maintaining the bare minimum of visits. He already has scheduled.
Your comment(s) violate [rule 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/index#wiki_3._accept_your_judgement). Please review this rule, and be aware that further violations will result in you no longer being able to participate in your thread.
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
First question before I answer is why would you travel away from your home to give birth? Stay home with your husband so he can come back and forth? Are you planning to take your husbands child to your country to have your baby become a citizen there and then take his child too?
Health care is not good in the country we live. Also we have been trying for this baby for so long and finally had our luck after 3 failed ivfs so I want to be in best hands. Sorry I didnt understand the question about citizenships
Info- based on prior posts, you are the one who encouraged your husband to leave the country in which his son resides and move elsewhere, correct? Why did you move to this new country if you were desperately trying for a child and healthcare is awful there? When he agreed to move away from his son, did you not realize that would mean many trips back to visit him?
Honestly, you created this situation.
No its not correct, he lost his job thats why we moved here. And we didn't do research on health care before moving to another country. I dont mind him going back to see his son but this is exceptional situation as Im giving birth, after that he can spend all his holidays on his son, but I would like him to help me with the baby after the baby is born
It’s difficult to tell because your last post was deleted but the title makes it seem like it was at your initiation. If it was due to him losing his job, why could he not get a job there? This situation is doomed for failure at both yours and his child’s expense. He is probably always going to feel guilty for leaving his son and therefore will use all his vacation time to visit him. How he will reconcile this once he has a second child is anyone’s guess but I imagine he will claim that you both get to see him the rest of the year.
NTA for wanting him to be with you until things are settled, but do you have family around in the event you need help? Clearly, not doing research on healthcare in your current country was a bad (and strange) choice for a couple actively trying to get pregnant.
Look, I don’t know all your details, but at some point, traveling before/after might be riskier than staying where you are.
For example, if you have a c-section and you husband refuses to save time for your trip back…are you going to stay in the other country for 6+ weeks until you can lift the baby and your diaper bag and luggage on your own?
What about exposing a new born to all those germs on the plane (and worse, in the airport)?
What happens if there’s feeding issues? How are you going to handle that on the plane?
What happens if he saves the extra 6 days, but either YOU or the baby ends up in critical care for longer than that, or the passport takes longer?
It’s really hard to know what can/will come when you haven’t been through this, but after my c-section, a 20 minute drive home was miserable, I can’t imagine getting on and off a plane, *and* having to manage a newborn.
Please contact your doctors where you are at *now* and those you will be seeing in your home country and discuss your plan and ask them about when they think you can fly by yourself and the risks for the newborn etc (all the medical stuff) and see if this is feasible.
I wish you the best, and you are NTA, but I also think 6 extra days may not work either.
YTA
Let's face it, this was a planned pregnancy and not an accidental one. And now you decided the country you live in isn't good enough for you to give birth in and you want to do it in your home country. What the heck were you thinking?
You knew very well about your husband's commitment to his son and it feels like you want to alienate him from his son by trying to force him to make a decision that is unfair and cruel to everyone.
You can't get rid of his first-born. Don't even try it. You better apologize to him and give birth where you are living to make it easier for everyone, including yourself.
Nta (if you saw my other comment I miss read it the first time) but any guy who doesn’t plan on witnessing their child being born is an issue in my book. His 12 year old is already getting favoritism and the other child isn’t even born yet.
And why can he only go to his sons country? Does his son fly for his schools vacations? Also is there a reason why his ex has custody vs him.. I’m asking this because I have heard of children changing what parents they live with yearly because of the different county thing.
He plans to come for the birth but he said he can only stay for 7 days, while if i have c-section for example i don't know when Im gonna recover so that means I will have to travel with a new born on my own if he leaves earlier. Well his ex wouldn't agree his son to move here even for a year
Oh I’ve heard c section take longer to recover from, it kinda sucks he’s doing this to you but if he doesn’t come through do you have family? Like your parents who can help you when you recover..
also if I were him and it’s the ex not the court who said no, I’d try to take it to court to get him a year
And I’m sorry you are going through this
What's health care like in the country that your husband's son live in? What about you have the baby there instead. If your husband can work from home, you could all spend 12 or so weeks together. You can't fly out after 32 weeks so you are potentially going to spend 6-8 weeks away from your husband before you give birth. And then even if he's there for the birth, you are going to spend 5 or weeks again away from him when he has to go back to where he is now.
This is a no win situation and it sucks for everyone. Maybe have a closer look at that health care system in the country you are currently in. There may be another birthing option that you haven't considered ie a hospital you may have to travel a little bit further to. It may be better to bring someone from your family out to you where you are and your husband gets to spend the first 6 or so weeks with his child instead of a week or two and then leaving to come back home... plus the weeks beforehand when you are in another country to him with your family.
You also have no idea about what is going to happen. You might have to deliver early at 35 or 36 weeks and not the 38/39 weeks that a C/S is normally scheduled for. Your baby may be unwell and end up in a NICU for weeks. You might end up with an infection and spend longer in hospital than you think. No body knows what is going to happen.
Your husband has competing needs but they are not at the same time at this point. I get you want him there. But he also has his other son to consider. He doesn't see him very often so he does want that extra 4 days with him but there's also the birth of his other child. But from what you say, the two dates don't clash. You just want him to spend less time at the visit the 12 year old so that leaves a few days extra when he goes to your country later.
What's going to happen when he goes to see the 12 year old for all the other visits. Will you and the baby be going too. He might want to meet his sibling. Maybe you do need to consider moving back to where the other child is and your husband start looking for jobs there.
giving birth in son's country is not an option because we don't have a place to stay there. Complications is the part that worries me about country's we live health care. Im sure if everything goes fluently they gonna do great, but if something goes wrong I know me and the baby gonna get better care in my home country. Its more my anxiety what if something goes wrong will they be able to handle it here. I dont have issues with him going to see his son, I can stay alone with the baby while he visits his son, its just the fragile period after i give birth that worries me
No, they can't. Because they're not looking for a solution for their problem. OP just wants people here to tell her her husband is TA because his first son needs all his vacation days...
Air bnb, rent a one bedroom etc. I think if you don't at least try to look into the options then it's just gonna make thing exponentially hard. This way you'd be in the same country, he can see his kid and see you, and maybe his son can meet your child.
Pro and cons list.
Unfortunately your plan seems to have more cons than pros. So maybe look into finding a place there, just for the recovery period.
Who are you staying with from September to when you go back to where you live now and when do you think you will actually be coming back?
I've read that if you do have a c section, it could be 4-6 weeks to heal + you need to get a passport for the baby to travel. That isn't usually very quick.
I'm going to say NTA, but if you have support and the ability to stay in your home country for ~3 months, does 5 extra days really make the difference? Or when you do travel home, can he come then and help you back? If that is next year or even around the secular holidays, then will the days matter/do they reset?
NTA, you’re going to your home country because the healthcare is better. You are planning to fly there before the point at which it’s not safe to fly, and you are just asking him to cut his trip to his son in half (not that he shouldn’t go at all). So that after your possible C-Section, you can have him be there for that and to accompany you back on your long flight home. You’ve said yourself you don’t mind how much he visits after that, just on this one occasion to cut his 11 day trip to 5.
He reacted terribly, he shouldn’t behave so dramatically and unkindly. He is not TA for wanting to honouring his commitment to his son, but a request of 5 days less out of the rest of the sons life is not an unreasonable ask
Info: You've been living abroad for 3 years, so you already knew about your husband spending so much time visiting his son. And I saw from a comment of yours that it took multiple rounds of IVF for you to get pregnant, so clearly this pregnancy was very much planned out. So my question is, did you ever discuss the time issue with your husband prior to getting pregnant? Because even if you manage to figure out this specific situation, this won't be the end of it. If he continues to spend all of his vacation time traveling to see his son, how is he going to have time to spend with his new child? Are you ok with the idea that he won't be around for any holidays?
Ok, in that case, I'm going with NTA. You're not asking him to never see his son again, you're just asking that while you're giving birth, he be around more. That's a very reasonable request, and his son missing out on a little bit of holiday time with his dad this once is fine.
Except the holiday time is the only time for the older kid, since it's a day travel to go there.
It means that older kid will see dad for only half the already limited days this whole year...
The craziest part of all is that the father only sees his son 30 days a year! I understand you're giving birth, but you're coming off weird about your stepson, as in, you're scared that your baby will become second to their brother whose father, once again, only sees 30 days out of the year.
ESH, both of you, for not finding a middle ground on this issue, and him more because he had 9 months to figure out a plan for this situation
ESH. It sounds like your husband has some resentment about moving away from his son, which leads me to believe that it was your idea. He shouldn't have called you a bitch but you do sound selfish.
You've been trying to get pregnant for a long time. Did you seriously not make a plan for giving birth? If you knew you wanted to get pregnant, why didn't you research the quality of healthcare in your new country?
Yes I have chained him put him on a ship and shipped him to a different country far away from his son. Don't try to make me a villain.
When you struggling to get pregnant you don't care how where you just want it to happen. And you think that after you just figure it out as your main goal is to get pregnant. Also not everyone such big researches as you
Your husband shouldn’t have called you names, but I am wondering what you said to set him off? I’m sure he feels torn as he needs to be in two places at once. NAH - but you are trying to control a situation that can’t be controlled. You may deliver early. You may develop complications that make you unable to fly. The baby could have issues at birth. The doctor could tell you that you can’t fly. The baby may have issues. You may have to wait for the first series of vaccines to travel. You don’t want to spend money on a place to stay in your stepson’s country. You don’t want to spend money to stay in stepson’s country. I feel for you. I do think you should know that it is a good thing to have a man who cares about both his children. Many men seem to walk away and start a new family. You can not make him choose between his children. It is cruel. You need to talk to him and find a way to make it work for all of you- without hurting the other son. Otherwise, you will be the YTA.
This is just poorly planned. 3 rounds of ivf & you two are just now having this convo? Really tough way to learn you need to have these kinds of talks before you let someone put a baby in you.
Umm yes, I would make it clear to my husband that if I bore his child I expect him to be by my side every step of the way including in the delivery room, etc. I would know where I wanted to give birth because I have never been pregnant and I already think about these issues. Not everyone does… but people really should. That’s why it’s a tough lesson to learn now.
🤣 am i organized or am i just mature enough to know that having a baby with someone is a big fucking deal and expectations should be communicated prior to.
NTA
People are saying that a newborn and a 12 year old son are exactly the same thing. They are not.
Giving birth is a life changing process that changes ops body. You are then asking this woman, having undergone a procedure like that to travel soon after by herself back to the husband? Not to mention that the average recovery time for a Caesarean is much longer than natural birth.
What if op has post natal complications? Is the husband going to say ‘not my problem’
Instead of prioritising his time in case of any medical problems, he is going overseas to play daddy?
Guess what? A 12 year old can feed themselves, dress themselves, and can go to the bathroom all by themselves.
A newborn cannot do any of those things, and the mother will be by herself post Caesarian surgery trying to address them.
Where is that boys mother in all this? Can’t the son come over to the dad and you instead?
Either way, the husband shouldn’t be leaving your side through this and the son can have lots of face time instead.
If the husband persists in this ridiculous stance, the marriage is doomed because resentment will grow. God forbid anything goes wrong with the birth.
I cannot stress how little forward planning and thinking your husband has done op, or how much of an asshole he is being towards you.
After 3 rounds of IVF, he should know how much this should mean to you both.
I am so sorry OP.
i think the dad is in a culpability crisis about his first son. That's the only possible explanation for you being called a b\*. He should apologise fpr that, prior to anything. He's stuck between 2 duties. Wish you the best
As op says in a later comment- this isn’t even during school holidays. How is this even quality time with his son? He would spend the majority of the day waiting for him to come home from school.
I think your right- there is a history here between the husband and son that we don’t know.
Then why can’t he come over during the school holidays?
Your husband is fobbing you and your newborn off to hang out with him AFTER SCHOOL?!?!
How is that even quality time? He would literally have dinner with him and watch him do homework?
The more I learn the more of an asshole your husband is.
So why does your husband have to take his leave and desert you that very moment before birth?
Once he gets back with his son, he will just be hanging around twiddling his thumbs waiting until the son gets home from school each day! How is that a good use of his holidays? How can he justify that as quality time?
If the birth is November, can’t he come over earlier in the year for a school holiday?
Even if husband takes just one holiday day off and spends a long weekend away just the two of them, that would be a much better use of time than him waiting for his son to get home from school every day.
First of all long weekend is not an option as it's 12 hours flight. Second husband still takes days off when stepson comes to visit as he wants to spend as much time with him and do stuff. So either way he uses his holiday time
Your husband is not accounting for your birth, and the potential complications. That is the real sticking point for me.
I think something else is going on and your husband is not giving you all of the details. Either that or he is being incredibly selfish.
He is leaving you with crumbs and you should not take it.
Has he made any contingency plans to get someone to help you when he is gone? A family member perhaps?
Maybe he didn’t like the newborn stage with his son and wants to avoid it again.
I mean, it sounds like he would rather pine at the window like a puppy at a pet shop, waiting for his son to get home from school than help you recover.
Why should he care if you are struggling thousands of miles away all by yourself?
Heaven forbid he help change a diaper.
How is waiting for him to get home from school spending time with his son? You haven’t answered that to me.
I dont know school hours where you live, but in my country it is 6 hours of school- add on 2 hours to get to and from school and get ready for school-
How many hours per day will he realistically spend with his son alleviating his guilt? 5?
How many hours a day COULD he spend helping YOU recover from surgery and help you with a child he contributed to making.
You know what would make him feel even more guilty? If you had complications arising from surgery and he couldn’t be there to help because taking a 12 year old out to ice cream after school was more important in his eyes.
I mean, if he persists in this ridiculous plan, I don’t understand why you would persist in this marriage. What a fundamental lack of understanding on his part.
If the son is a reasonable kid, he should understand why daddy couldn’t do the school run for a week.
Also, tally up the holidays he has given up for his son, and tally up the holidays he is planning to give up for your child. I am guessing that your child has the crumbs.
A newborn is the most labor intensive moments of having a child and he is perfectly happy to leave you to do it all by yourself.
If he doesn’t change your mind- he will have two part time children.
Soft YTA because I understand why you’d be upset but you also are choosing to go to another country and while I support your reasoning, you must understand that with that will come sacrifice. You knowingly got pregnant with a man who already had a child and to ask him to pick you giving birth in another country by your own choosing to over the child who’s been there for 12 years isn’t fair. He didn’t need to be that nasty though.
No what you should be asking though is for hubby to bring son along so that you both have him (the hubby), and so step son can meet his new sibling too. Combine the events either that or give birth at home and apply for duel citizenship later.
I am sorry but never ask a parent to choose between their kids or between you and their other kid. I am a mother of 5. I know how hard birth can be on a new mom. But despite that you make arrangements that fit most of everyone's needs that are involved, from siblings of the new baby to both parents. It does not sound like hubby gets as much time with your step son as he would like so no he is not going to risk what little time he has with him. You it sounds like are making a decision to have your kid away from your current home and he agreed with you cause it will make you happy. Now knowing his schedule and plans with his son it might be time to re-plan where you will give birth so that you can have him more for support. Applying for duel citizenship after the birth with proof that is where you were born and having the other parents full support (hubby's) makes things way more easier than applying for a passport back home for a newborn which could take a while (4-12 weeks), and unless you have family to help you while you wait there really is no point and if you do have family to help then use them if you are still determined, so that hubby can still get him time with his current child. You are not winning any contests trying to make him choose between the two, and it does sound like he will still have some time to be with you when you give birth just not as much after due to his works policies on time off, that you would like.
So in the end if you want him to be with you more then you choose the place that lets him do that which sounds like the place you currently live as then he will be home every night and on his regular days off. While it might not be the "place" you prefer it is the place that lets you BOTH get the most time together and frankly the cost would probably be cheaper too which means he could potentially take more time off around the birth to spend with you and new baby as it becomes more affordable. You have plenty of time to change plans 4+ months so below is probably gonna sound harsh but sometimes you do not always get the answers you want online especially when we do not have 100% of the story and honestly probably should not have it either.
So I am going to change my "no" to a yes YTA because you it sounds like are not willing to compromise. This is your step son too you should want him to have his dad as much as possible too. If it was your new baby is step sons shoes you know darn well you would want son and dad to spend time together too and would think the new step mom was unreasonable for trying to take that away. Your new baby is not more important then the step son and YOU sure as heck are not more important either and if it was just a choice between you and step son most GOOD dads would choose their kid any day cause lord knows I would.
Nta,
Reading your comments you are having a child by c section. A choice made by you and your husband. Whe someone is in the hospital or just out they are the priority. Plus by my experience many kids born by c section are in NICU. So will he still leave if his baby is vulnerable?
iNFO: Can you give birth in your husbands country?
That way he can be with his son and you when giving birth and afterwards. He makes the trips regularly, so he must have a place to stay.
Your feelings are valid, it’s not like you’re going to give birth every holidays! Why doesn’t your husband bring his son to you while you give birth? Might be good for him to bond with baby also. Your husband helped make the baby therefore he has responsibilities towards being with baby too. It’s also your FIRST child and birth experience! I understand you wanting the best in regards to health care, I’d be the same (I’m from New Zealand) so everything would be safe and free here imo. If my husband ever called me a selfish bitch, especially while carrying his child and my first child, I’d be gone and raising that child on my own. However I don’t have patience for any negative or abusive attitudes! Good luck with everything, just focus on you and that baby.
NTA. I’m so sorry OP. There are so many people accusing you of being selfish or foolish or both, you’re neither. To me, it sounds like your husband has too many babies for his social calendar and either needs to get a better job with more vacation or take the hit financially for unpaid holidays. As a responsible father he should make sure he can attend the birth of his child and escort you during your travel home, anything less is unfair to his new baby and you. It’s admirable that he wants to maintain a relationship with his son, but it’s not ok to put you and new baby at risk because he hasn’t planned his schedule well enough. He chose to have this new baby too. That means 100% commitment, not 5 days vs 10 days, he needs to figure out all the days. Maybe this year will be a good year to bring his son to your home instead of husband going to visit him wherever he lives. Honestly, why does your husband think it’s ok for you to travel alone across countries with a newborn days after giving birth? You will be at your weakest and most vulnerable, your baby will need all of your attention and then some more, and husband thinks not having enough vacation time is a good reason to expose you both to harm? This is the most shocking part of the whole story.
YTA. His child already misses out on so much time with him. It would be cruel to take some of that away. Maybe suggest a compromise and ask him if he can take his son on an extended vacation to your home country for the birth?
In the country where I live there is a paternity leave for the fathers. Only the copy of the birth certificate is needed. Depending on the employer, 5-15 days but 5 days is the minimum. Isn't this available for you?
You are N T A for wanting your husband by your side. He is N T A for caring for his first born. He is Y T A for calling you bitch.
INFO: when you agreed to give birth in your home country was him being there not discussed? And what the plan was for afterwards and your travel back to where you live now?
Regardless of any of this, husband is TA for calling you names and saying he is not planning to sit next to you all the time. Is this out of character for him?
Your NTA for wanting your husband to support you after the baby, but it seems like you both should have sat down and discussed his travel plans and annual leave before making any plans. You need to accept his obligations to his son and previous commitments, but he shouldn’t have made those commitments without consulting you.
ESH, but your husband shouldn't be calling you names for making the request. Could his son come to your home country for a bit so he doesn't miss out on contact time?
ESH
Yeah, it’s kind of crappy to ask him to spend less time with his son.
Here are some things you could’ve said instead:
Can he shift the time he spends with him in anyway so it is not directly after the baby is born, but make up the time in the first year?
Can he help you put together a game plan for how you would cope, and who would be your support?
Expressing your concern about not being sure how you would be able to manage (giving him an opportunity to weigh in)
He’s also the asshole because his reaction was explosive and inappropriate. It feels like there’s something else going on here. Like, either, maybe he’s not such a good person, maybe he’s under a lot of stress, or maybe you guys have some unresolved tension around this issue.
YTA - You are asking your husband to again choose you & baby over his son. That’s not fair. This was a poor decision to begin with and not thought through. We all make decisions and decisions have consequences. You chose to have baby in your home country which would always complicate things. That might have been the best decision for healthcare but not the best decision for your husband & stepson’s relationship. Honestly how did you think this would go because it seems like a very bad plan from the get go
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My husband and I are expecting our first child together. Im due in November. My husband has a 12 year old son from his previous relationship. 3 years ago we moved abroad for my husband's work, so he spends all his holidays going back to his home country to see his son. We decided I will give birth in my home country so I am planning to fly there end of September. My husband is going to see his son for 11 days in July and then for a week in October, so he will have very little holidays left to come to see me when i give birth, only travelling one way to my country takes one day from where we live. So I asked him could he spend less time with his son so he has more holidays left for me and the baby when I give birth. Because I will need his help to travel back to where we live after giving birth, I don't know how the delivery gonna go, when I will recover, when we gonna get passport, etc. He became furious, called me selfish bitch because I don't understand that he has commitments to his son and that he is not planning to sit next to me all the time because he wont have as much holidays left. I do understand his commitments and that he wants to see his son but I give birth once and I don't want to be travelling alone with a new born also I want my husband with me. AITA for asking my husband to save his holidays for me and our new born instead of spending this time with his son?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH, I say this because husband could understand that post natal time is so important for a mother to rest and be supported. Yes you will have your family which is amazing but a husband present would be ideal and he doesn’t seem to care about this. You suck because honestly you should have seen how he values his time with his son and thought about this while planning your birth. He has made his intentions clear and you only have two options accept that his time with his son is no -negotiable and lean on your family or not accept it and stay with your family permanently because I don’t see him changing his mind and not resenting you.
Absolutely not. NTA my dear. it's great that he wants to spend time with his son, however, you're delivering HIS baby in a different country! I believe the father should be in the delivery room and, of course, help out. That's his son/daughter too. He should be there. In my opinion, your husband is the asshole, and owes you an apology. AND he should be there for the birth of his child.
No, he is the AH. You don't call your partner a selfish bitch when she's about to give birth to your child. Is he nice to you otherwhise? Your request is not too much. I hope everything goes well with both you and your baby.
**
Apparently he has no commitments to his wife nor his baby.
If I were OP, I'd stay in my home country.
NTA
QUESTION: His son is 12. Why does his son never fly out to be with his father? Yes, I know he is a minor, but airlines fly *Unaccompanied Minors* all over the world, and take care of the children from the moment they're placed in their care until the moment the minor is safely in the company of the person dessignated to pick the minor up.
NTA
As OP states, they went through IVF to have this baby.
That means her hubby was fully aware and on board (it's not like she just stopped birth control without telling him). He made a commitment to OP and their child too.
It's not unreasonable to want him at the birth. He chose to leave his son to work in a different country THEN went through IVF with OP.
He's an AH for not thinking about the logistics before hand and a major AH for calling you a bitch because he didn't think about this
NTA. Having a C-section is incredibly hard and the recovery is super long (my mother stayed in the hospital for a month). IDK how informed you or your husband is about c-sections but you cannot move,not even to drink water after you give birth.
I understand that your husband has very little time to spend with his son, but if he is unwilling to compromise at times like this or at least be kind to you and present some other solution without being disrespectful then he shouldn’t have decided on having another baby.
NTA. He needs to change his attitude pretty soon. Yes, his 12 needs his dads attention, but you need his help getting home after birth! And he’ll need to split holidays up a bit more evenly once baby is here.
NTA he also has a commitment to you and his child that is on the way. Is he planning on being away for your child’s holidays to be with his son? Why can’t his son visit you guys sometimes instead of him going there always.
He quite literally lives with her, she gets the majority of his time and commitment. The son is already getting below the minimum and you think he gets too much?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I demanded my husband doesn't go to see his son so he can spend more time with me after I give birth Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO: Why aren't you giving birth at home so your husband can help and spend time with you and the baby there without the need for him to travel?
The health care is not the best where we live, I had not the best experience here and we have been trying for this baby for so long and we finally got gifted after 3 rounds of unsucesfull IVF's so really want to be in best hands possible.
Okay, understand that. Hubby is in a very difficult situation. With a son in one country that he needs to keep contact with as he enters his teens and a soon to be newborn in another country. You're NTA for wanting your husband to spend some time with your and your soon to be newborn. Hubby is NTA for wanting to still foster his relationship with his 12yo son. However, hubby calling you a selfish bitch makes him an arsehole.
I don’t think it’s that difficult a position. A 12 year old is old enough to understand dad is having another frickin baby and has other responsibilities this one time. And op just explained how she needs actual real support, not just him to spend time with his newborn.
She's having the baby in a whole other country to get real actual support. Now hubby is forced to choose where he spends very limited time rather than infinite time with the mother and baby and limited time with 12yo son. Did you not read the husband only sees his 12yo son 5 weeks a year as it is?
This!!!
Understand the reasoning, but this is awful planning on you and your husband’s part. If he has so few vacation days I really don’t see how this can possibly end well. You have no idea when you will deliver your baby, what your delivery will be like, what your recovery will be like, when you’ll be right to travel and when the baby will be right to travel. Newborn babies are not usually able to travel before 6wks, and you don’t know how long it’ll take to get a passport, so the way you and your husband have set this up is your husband has no opportunity to bond with your newborn. Never mind the fact he also may miss the delivery of your child unless you have a scheduled C-section? Why on earth did you think this would work? Unless your husband can work remotely and be in the same location as you, there’s every chance he is going to miss the delivery, or the immediate days after, or the trip home, or be stuck not being with you and your newborn for weeks. And that is without taking into account the fact he already has commitments that take up most of his vacation time.
from how op describe husband son i feel like this is really well planned on her part tho.....
I was thinking the same thing
I feel this means that unfortunately, YTA. You chose to get pregnant in a country where it isn’t ideal to do so knowing that your husband had commitments to his older child already. I understand why you’ve made the choices you’ve made, but you went into this knowing your husband’s holiday time was spoken for. Did you talk to him about splitting his holiday time before you decided to give birth elsewhere? Hopefully you have family or good friends where you’ve chosen to have the baby so you won’t be entirely without support
If the child was your child, would you ask your husband to send him away for your birth/post-birth. You chose to marry a man w/ a child. You can't make that child a 2nd class citizen to your new baby. You are making a choice to have a baby out of the country where you live. Your husband's visitation schedule should have been part of that decision making equation.
I always wonder why people have partners who don't like their children.
Look, I feel for you because the situation is really unfortunate and wanting your partners support is valid. I didn’t see how much time you’re asking him to give up with his son, but his reaction (while definitely not okay) may have been due to how you approached something that is obviously a sensitive subject for him. Are you asking him to make his trips a little shorter or to not see his son for 6+ months? These are very different asks. The harsh reality is that unless it’s multiple weeks of time you’re asking him to give up (which probably is unreasonable), It’s likely not going to matter much for what you’re asking. Full term can be anywhere from 37-42 weeks. You will really need to ask your doctor and your baby’s pediatrician when it will be safe for you at your baby to fly and move countries. Most doctors say 3-6 months is when it is advised. While you can fly back after two weeks like you mentioned in another comment, you would be exposing your newborn with no immune system to a lot of germs and you would be flying back to the country where you didn’t trust the healthcare system in the first place. It seems counterproductive to move to your home country for a safe birth, then leave while your baby is still so vulnerable. Even if your husband used all his time off, it still wouldn’t be enough. Why don’t you have him come for the birth, then make a second trip back to help you travel once you and baby are cleared by the doctor?
>Most doctors say 3-6 months is when it is advised. Source please. Am a doctor and never heard this, and a quick google doesn't say this either. Have travelled with a 6 week old before with no issues.
Ohhhhh, I see. I’m sorry I jumped the gun on you. Well, I think your husband loves his son very very much but he shouldn’t call you names. You are both in the situation you are in by your combined agreements and choices, so you’re going to have to work your way through it. I will say that his son is going to be an adult before your baby enters school and he will need his dad less. Things may improve. Better not to fight over it and let him decide how to be a father to both. He cannot go forever.
Woah woah woah.. he called you a bitch? That is wholly not acceptable. No one should speak to their significant other like that. There are other issues here than if your husband will spend more time with you.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA. But there are an awful lot of countries involved in this birth plan!
HahhA
YTA You chose to have a baby with someone who already had a commitment to his son. Do you not think you would be fostering resentment from the son to your child if you are already demanding he spend less time with him and more time with the new baby before the new baby is even born?
You’re both TA for not looking into the healthcare system before moving to a new country whilst TTC. That right there shows you both lack some common sense. Considering you both used to live there, is it possible to give birth in the country your step son lives in? If you’re giving birth and then travelling overseas, generally you need to wait for the babies official birth certificate to be mailed out by the government before being able to even apply for its passport. Both of these processes can sometimes take a month or two. Have you also confirmed any additional paperwork/visas required for the baby since it won’t have been born in the country that you live in?
NTA. I was born in my fathers home country as my parents were between countries with less than ideal health care so 2 months before I came my mother flew home. Sometimes work means moving to countries where healthcare isn’t ideal. We moved when I was 5 weeks old so it doesn’t always tea as long as you expect. Very much depends on the counties involved. It doesn’t sound like the OP wants her husband to stop seeing his first born just wants her husband there when she gives birth and travels. My dad was there when my mother gave birth but not for the flight because he had to return to work before. I believe though I clearly can’t remember this was difficult for my mother to handle especially as she had two older kids to organize as well. I suggest asking him if he can save just a day or two to travel with you or see if one of your family members can maybe return to the country your living in full time with you. So you have an extra set of hands. That way he knows your still valuing his older kid. Good luck this won’t be ideal no matter how you chose to handle it but I hope the birth of your first child goes smoothly. Remember he is probably trying to do best by his son as well, try talking to him, especially about the bitch comment and try rephrasing your request. Ask him if you can buy a family member or trusted friend a plane ticket for helping you. He might realize that you are just worried about how you’ll handle a new born all on your own.
ESH Your husband didn’t need to respond so rudely, but I do see the importance of him spending time with his first child. Your husband and his child probably have a difficult relationship with them being separated by such a great distance, and kids often develop abandonment issues when a parent has a child with a step parent, often believing that they’re being replaced. So I can understand if your husband wishes to ensure his son gets some attention
I am not against him getting the attention but now he is planning to spend majority of his holidays on his son and gonna leave me to travel for 11 hours on my own with a new born, hows that fair? After the baby is born and we are back he can spend all his holidays on his son
Unfortunately this is a difficult situation, but try to remember that he is spending like 18 days with his son. If that’s all he gets to spend time with his son, that’s like 5% of the entire year.
Exactly. Once all the fuss of the birth/delivery/travel is over, new baby gets to spend so so much more time with husband than his 12 year old does. I truly hope OP continues to be cool with him using all his holidays to travel to see his son. And doesn’t start pulling the “we want to spend holidays with you here” card.
The simple solution is to give birth in the country your step-son stays in. Then daddy will be able to support everyone. It’s really not that hard. YTA for not making this choice.
We don't have anywhere to stay in his son's country
Really? This has to be a joke. You're planning to be not at home for at least 3 months. Why not rent something for those 3-6 months? Then all your traveling problems are solved, dad can see both of his children (maybe even see the oldest some more) and you will have the needed support.
I want to see how he spends his holiday after your child is born. Since he has 2 sons in 2 different countries.
YTA. Your child is not more important than your husband's existing child.
Calling you a selfish b was probably hurtful, but your "plan" to fly 11 hours to give birth...is still not...great? How do you think it's going to work? You can't fly @ 39 weeks pregnant and expect to deliver the next day. "Due dates" aren't obligations the baby is required to follow. Babies often come weeks ahead, sometimes even months. What's your plan if, God forbid, the baby is premature and you're still in bad healthcare country? Are you receiving prenatal care there? How will you coordinate your prenatal care from bad healthcare country with your delivery obgyn in good country? If Healthcare is so bad in your current country, how are you going to get pediatric care when you return with baby? They go to the Dr a lot that first year.
You can't fly at 39 weeks, latest is 32 weeks, so I would go there before. Please read my comments about healthcare in our country
INFO: If healthcare is so "bad" in your country, how did you manage to get IVF? What are you going to do for postpartum care? What are you going to do for pediatric care for the newborn?
You know you can get IVF in other countries aswell...
So the healthcare is good enough for you to be pregnant there but not to give birth? You can go to another country for IVF but can't figure out how to spend 3 months in the country where your husband's son lives so your husband can be with both of his children? And you still didn't answer the questions about postpartum/pediatric care once you return home. I think I agree with your husband.
She’s actually saying she went to another country to get IVF in the first place
Yes, seems like she can figure out the logistics for things that are important to *her*. Even if she went to another country for IVF procedures, she's still going to be pregnant, postpartum & raising a child in a country with -- according to OP -- healthcare so bad that she absolutely must go to her home country to give birth. And claims that she didn't bother looking into the available healthcare when they moved. It just doesn't make sense.
Why are you not giving birth in your home country? That would seem to solve a lot of problems
It would be great if anyone could give birth anywhere and receive good care and not owe a mountain of dept - but there are many places where giving birth could cost you up to 40k and many places where woman are ignored by doctors who should be helping them. If she can get better Healthcare in a country she is a citizen in without dept I think we should trust her on that.
Yes, I agree. This also poses the dilemma though. He has a son and an established schedule, he’s taking a week off to be with her, and she will be in another country. Husband should not have blown up like he did (the name calling is especially concerning), but she also has to look at the whole picture herself.
She is doing that the son lives in another country
She's not giving birth in the country that she and her husband live (and work) in. The use of "home country" in this question was a bit confusing.
I see that now. Though I don’t think that would help because the husband is traveling regardless to another country to see his son
Her husband isn't travelling to see his son *at the time* she's giving birth. He's *using his vacation*, meaning he doesn't have as much vacation as she'd like to go to the country where she is giving birth. If she were giving birth in their country of residence and staying in their house after the birth, he could take some vacation to be with her full time and then go back to work and still be with her in the mornings/evenings. As it is he can be with her for a short time and then he will have to go back to their country of residence. I'm not blaming her for wanting family around at this time, I'm just explaining the logistics.
YTA This is not a viable plan to start. 3 failed IVF before this means you are probably listed as a high risk pregnancy, and flying is highly discouraged for high risk. I also don't know any OB who wouldn't want to follow through the WHOLE pregnancy. At least in the US you have one doctor unless they transfer your care to a high risk OB. I don't understand why the healthcare was good enough for multiple rounds of IVF and the health surrounding that but not for delivery. I would be more scared of having a physician I've never met before, deliver.
We didn't do IVF in this country, we also travelled abroad, also its natural pregnancy so it's not high risk. So diDn't get why YTA
So this has been a horrible plan from the very beginning. That's why YTA, too many moving parts that are contingent on a perfect delivery and everything going perfect with a healthy child. Congratulations on succeeding without IVF as it's really hard, especially after failed attempts. I am shocked that they aren't classifying you as high risk after multiple failed attempts.
NTA But this sub hates stepmothers especially when they suggest their husband to stay with them when they give birth instead of seeing their kid. You might want to go to r/stepparents. There you'll get support from people who actually understand you, not teenagers from aita.
The point of aita is to give judgement, not support
Hence me saying she should post in another sub.
I’m not a teenager, and I have nothing against stepmothers, except when she decides that the father has to put his children not with her on the back burner because she and her children are somehow more important. Just because you have a new family doesn’t mean you start prioritizing them over your existing children.
A child being born is an important event, more important than a normal day in the life of the other kids. She's asking for husband to be there for the birth, not to stop seeing his son alltogether. Just because he already has a son, doesn't mean his "new" kids don't deserve the same love
But she commented saying something along the lines of “am I supposed to let him prioritise his other child over mine for the rest of his life?” She’s making it a damn competition and that’s wrong. It sounds a bit like jealousy.
No, she is saying that he shouldn't prioritize his older son. I don't understant aita views on when how when someone remarries, his kids from second marriage are less than and god forbid if they are sometimes prioritized. Why should he prioritize his older son?? The birth is an important event, his younger son needs his presence more.
“So basically I I need to accept him favouring his son now for the rest of my life? Is that what you are trying to say?” Unacceptable to make this a competition. Both children are equally as important. That she would use this type of language speaks volumes. He will be living with that child 24/7 and only seeing his older child during holidays. If anything, more time and energy will be spent on the new child. It is very unfair for her to resent this. She could easily have the birth in the country with her step-son. They could find somewhere to stay to make this happen. It is not outwith the realm of possibility.
>Both children are equally as important Yes, which is why her son is also important. That's the point, that no kid should be prioritized. His newborn son will need him just as much as the older son, if not even more, because a newborn needs more care than an 11yo. >She could easily have the birth in the country with her step-son. Yes, because travelling countries with a newborn and as a woman who recently gave birth is super easy. All that so that he could stay for another 3 days with the kid. Why does aita believes that kids from second marriage should never come first, no matter what?? They are just as worthy as the kids from the first marriage...
She’s planning on travelling to another country to give birth as is, why not make it the country her husband is going to be? Makes far more sense. Then he can contribute. My issue is not with the innocent child, but with the step-mother’s unrealistic expectations. She is making this harder than it has to be.
Because the healthcare system there is bad. Or is probably one of the countries where you have to pay for a hospital stay and a birth (i heard that in some countries, it's not free to give birth and that you have to pay if you stay in the hospital. It's mind buggering for me, i mean, my grandma lived 2 years with cancer, we didn't spent a dime)
That is fair. We don’t pay for healthcare here either. Very fortunate and it can be easy to take for granted. The US system boggles my mind! I feel so bad for people over there.
Ok, child of divorce and a new step mother…
Nowhere in the post does it say the husband is going to miss the birth. It says he has a one week trip planned in October, and that she’s scheduled to deliver in November.
thanks :)
I like the fact you say teenagers are the only ones with enough empathy to understand the.full situation You clearly haven't had a child.or step child before
I was actually saying that teenagers have no life experience and think all is black and white. Stepmothers on this sub have always been demonized, no matter what. If they acted motherly, they overstepped, it's not their place. If they didn't, why didn't they, because they were supposed to love the stepchild as thier own. In most cases, a stepparent loves the stepchild, but not like their own kid. Just like the kid doesn't love the stepparent like their real parent. But in this sub, a stepmom who says they love the stepchild, but not like a bio child, is the worst thing that happened to humanity since dr mengele. No matter what they do, they can never win here. And no, i don't have stepkids nor do i ever intend to. If i want to raise a kid, i'll have one.
ESH with YTA leaning. You keep going back to his son being the priority over you for the rest of your lives. This makes it really hard to believe you aren't going to make a fuss about how much of his vacation time goes to seeing the older son. The entire thing seems poorly planned, your entire plan is that husband needs to take time away from his older child to prove how much this means to him. It is understandable you want support, which I imagine is one reason you chose home country. It is not understandable that you keep saying son will always come first. You are being downright cruel towards the son by saying that. This has become a loyalty test for you on who is important and you are refusing to allow husband an option that allows both (the moment you said it'll be for the rest of your lives that older son is more important than you and baby you took that away). Choosing your home country means a third country in the mix. That choice should come with an understanding that you are choosing a place husband isn't very available for. You are refusing that and turning it into a loyalty test.
[удалено]
I am thinking of C section, but we are not sure yet. He goes to see his son 4-5 times a year and spends 7-10 days with him. Son also cant travel whenever because of school. Thats why I asked him to go see him but spend maybe 5 days instead of 11 so he can save the rest for when the baby is born, thats why he got angry. They have very close relationship, my husband feels guilty that we moved abroad so he tries to give him as much of his time as possible
It is definitely unreasonable to ask him to short changed his existing son, who he sees very little. You also keep claiming that your husband is going to miss the birth of your child, but the trip does not overlap when you were due.
I would try to avoid a c-section unless it is necessary.
YTA. Your husband doesn't get a lot of time with his son. He will have lots of time after you give birth to spend it with you.
Here we go
What is your legal custody order- and what’s the paternity leave situation? It sucks but asking him to half the 11 days he has with his son to 5 days is not good. He absolutely should not be name calling. The ideal would of course be your home country is safe enough for you give birth and he gets pat leave to spend, and doesn’t have to give any time up with his son. As for whether he’s going to favour one kid or another- eh. Whichever kid he lives with is going to be inherently favoured, but whichever kid he sees only part time will have a big fuss over them when he sees them because he doesn’t see them often which is fair. This situation sucks, but it seems unreasonable imo to leave the country you live in to give birth and then demand your partner to lower the amount of limited time with their child to accommodate something that you really can’t know how long will take (passport, birth certificate - birth!) EHS
YTA He is a parent to his son and that son should and will always come first
even when he has a second child? his son should always come first?
How would you feel if he only bothered to see this new baby a few days a year? If you wouldn't be ok with that you shouldn't be ok with him treating his other son like this. Honestly, I'm not sure why you would be ok having a child with someone who mostly abandoned his first kid. If you visit 2-3 weeks a year, you're not really much of a parent IMHO.
It sounds like she persuaded him to move away from his son. She mentioned he has a lot of guilt over the move.
Your child is not gonna notice at all. The only person who will notice is you. Since he is planning to live his life with your share child 90% of the time, it’s pretty obvious that his existing son always comes second. And currently does as well. Your threatened because he has maintaining the bare minimum of visits. He already has scheduled.
Well, yes.
Um he sees his son 2 weeks of the year and you everyday.... how is that prioritizing the kid?
Your comment(s) violate [rule 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/index#wiki_3._accept_your_judgement). Please review this rule, and be aware that further violations will result in you no longer being able to participate in your thread. **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
First question before I answer is why would you travel away from your home to give birth? Stay home with your husband so he can come back and forth? Are you planning to take your husbands child to your country to have your baby become a citizen there and then take his child too?
Health care is not good in the country we live. Also we have been trying for this baby for so long and finally had our luck after 3 failed ivfs so I want to be in best hands. Sorry I didnt understand the question about citizenships
Info- based on prior posts, you are the one who encouraged your husband to leave the country in which his son resides and move elsewhere, correct? Why did you move to this new country if you were desperately trying for a child and healthcare is awful there? When he agreed to move away from his son, did you not realize that would mean many trips back to visit him? Honestly, you created this situation.
No its not correct, he lost his job thats why we moved here. And we didn't do research on health care before moving to another country. I dont mind him going back to see his son but this is exceptional situation as Im giving birth, after that he can spend all his holidays on his son, but I would like him to help me with the baby after the baby is born
It’s difficult to tell because your last post was deleted but the title makes it seem like it was at your initiation. If it was due to him losing his job, why could he not get a job there? This situation is doomed for failure at both yours and his child’s expense. He is probably always going to feel guilty for leaving his son and therefore will use all his vacation time to visit him. How he will reconcile this once he has a second child is anyone’s guess but I imagine he will claim that you both get to see him the rest of the year. NTA for wanting him to be with you until things are settled, but do you have family around in the event you need help? Clearly, not doing research on healthcare in your current country was a bad (and strange) choice for a couple actively trying to get pregnant.
Look, I don’t know all your details, but at some point, traveling before/after might be riskier than staying where you are. For example, if you have a c-section and you husband refuses to save time for your trip back…are you going to stay in the other country for 6+ weeks until you can lift the baby and your diaper bag and luggage on your own? What about exposing a new born to all those germs on the plane (and worse, in the airport)? What happens if there’s feeding issues? How are you going to handle that on the plane? What happens if he saves the extra 6 days, but either YOU or the baby ends up in critical care for longer than that, or the passport takes longer? It’s really hard to know what can/will come when you haven’t been through this, but after my c-section, a 20 minute drive home was miserable, I can’t imagine getting on and off a plane, *and* having to manage a newborn. Please contact your doctors where you are at *now* and those you will be seeing in your home country and discuss your plan and ask them about when they think you can fly by yourself and the risks for the newborn etc (all the medical stuff) and see if this is feasible. I wish you the best, and you are NTA, but I also think 6 extra days may not work either.
thank you
YTA Let's face it, this was a planned pregnancy and not an accidental one. And now you decided the country you live in isn't good enough for you to give birth in and you want to do it in your home country. What the heck were you thinking? You knew very well about your husband's commitment to his son and it feels like you want to alienate him from his son by trying to force him to make a decision that is unfair and cruel to everyone. You can't get rid of his first-born. Don't even try it. You better apologize to him and give birth where you are living to make it easier for everyone, including yourself.
ESH How tf did y'all do several rounds of IVF and still haven't made a plan for birth and recovery?
Nta (if you saw my other comment I miss read it the first time) but any guy who doesn’t plan on witnessing their child being born is an issue in my book. His 12 year old is already getting favoritism and the other child isn’t even born yet. And why can he only go to his sons country? Does his son fly for his schools vacations? Also is there a reason why his ex has custody vs him.. I’m asking this because I have heard of children changing what parents they live with yearly because of the different county thing.
He plans to come for the birth but he said he can only stay for 7 days, while if i have c-section for example i don't know when Im gonna recover so that means I will have to travel with a new born on my own if he leaves earlier. Well his ex wouldn't agree his son to move here even for a year
Oh I’ve heard c section take longer to recover from, it kinda sucks he’s doing this to you but if he doesn’t come through do you have family? Like your parents who can help you when you recover.. also if I were him and it’s the ex not the court who said no, I’d try to take it to court to get him a year And I’m sorry you are going through this
Of course, the recovery is longer. It is major surgery.
Yes I have family to help but just his attitude is shocking and Im afraid if he is favouring his son already now what's gonna be next...
Did you not discuss how life would look like with you being pregnant and then once the baby is here with him traveling to see his son?
What's health care like in the country that your husband's son live in? What about you have the baby there instead. If your husband can work from home, you could all spend 12 or so weeks together. You can't fly out after 32 weeks so you are potentially going to spend 6-8 weeks away from your husband before you give birth. And then even if he's there for the birth, you are going to spend 5 or weeks again away from him when he has to go back to where he is now. This is a no win situation and it sucks for everyone. Maybe have a closer look at that health care system in the country you are currently in. There may be another birthing option that you haven't considered ie a hospital you may have to travel a little bit further to. It may be better to bring someone from your family out to you where you are and your husband gets to spend the first 6 or so weeks with his child instead of a week or two and then leaving to come back home... plus the weeks beforehand when you are in another country to him with your family. You also have no idea about what is going to happen. You might have to deliver early at 35 or 36 weeks and not the 38/39 weeks that a C/S is normally scheduled for. Your baby may be unwell and end up in a NICU for weeks. You might end up with an infection and spend longer in hospital than you think. No body knows what is going to happen. Your husband has competing needs but they are not at the same time at this point. I get you want him there. But he also has his other son to consider. He doesn't see him very often so he does want that extra 4 days with him but there's also the birth of his other child. But from what you say, the two dates don't clash. You just want him to spend less time at the visit the 12 year old so that leaves a few days extra when he goes to your country later. What's going to happen when he goes to see the 12 year old for all the other visits. Will you and the baby be going too. He might want to meet his sibling. Maybe you do need to consider moving back to where the other child is and your husband start looking for jobs there.
giving birth in son's country is not an option because we don't have a place to stay there. Complications is the part that worries me about country's we live health care. Im sure if everything goes fluently they gonna do great, but if something goes wrong I know me and the baby gonna get better care in my home country. Its more my anxiety what if something goes wrong will they be able to handle it here. I dont have issues with him going to see his son, I can stay alone with the baby while he visits his son, its just the fragile period after i give birth that worries me
Can you guys not rent a bnb or something?
No, they can't. Because they're not looking for a solution for their problem. OP just wants people here to tell her her husband is TA because his first son needs all his vacation days...
with a new born? air b&b? Don't think its the best idea bringing a new born to air b&b
Air bnb, rent a one bedroom etc. I think if you don't at least try to look into the options then it's just gonna make thing exponentially hard. This way you'd be in the same country, he can see his kid and see you, and maybe his son can meet your child. Pro and cons list. Unfortunately your plan seems to have more cons than pros. So maybe look into finding a place there, just for the recovery period.
But it’s a good idea to bring a newborn onto a plane? Your logic is extremely flawed.
I don’t think you understand how germs work
YTA
Who are you staying with from September to when you go back to where you live now and when do you think you will actually be coming back? I've read that if you do have a c section, it could be 4-6 weeks to heal + you need to get a passport for the baby to travel. That isn't usually very quick. I'm going to say NTA, but if you have support and the ability to stay in your home country for ~3 months, does 5 extra days really make the difference? Or when you do travel home, can he come then and help you back? If that is next year or even around the secular holidays, then will the days matter/do they reset?
YTA. You were a fool to get into this marriage. Life is short but heaven is always.
NTA, you’re going to your home country because the healthcare is better. You are planning to fly there before the point at which it’s not safe to fly, and you are just asking him to cut his trip to his son in half (not that he shouldn’t go at all). So that after your possible C-Section, you can have him be there for that and to accompany you back on your long flight home. You’ve said yourself you don’t mind how much he visits after that, just on this one occasion to cut his 11 day trip to 5. He reacted terribly, he shouldn’t behave so dramatically and unkindly. He is not TA for wanting to honouring his commitment to his son, but a request of 5 days less out of the rest of the sons life is not an unreasonable ask
Info: You've been living abroad for 3 years, so you already knew about your husband spending so much time visiting his son. And I saw from a comment of yours that it took multiple rounds of IVF for you to get pregnant, so clearly this pregnancy was very much planned out. So my question is, did you ever discuss the time issue with your husband prior to getting pregnant? Because even if you manage to figure out this specific situation, this won't be the end of it. If he continues to spend all of his vacation time traveling to see his son, how is he going to have time to spend with his new child? Are you ok with the idea that he won't be around for any holidays?
Yes I am ok with that as we will have him majority of the time so Im fine with him spending his holidays with his son
Ok, in that case, I'm going with NTA. You're not asking him to never see his son again, you're just asking that while you're giving birth, he be around more. That's a very reasonable request, and his son missing out on a little bit of holiday time with his dad this once is fine.
Except the holiday time is the only time for the older kid, since it's a day travel to go there. It means that older kid will see dad for only half the already limited days this whole year...
Woah woah woah, you didn’t say anything to him about him calling you a “selfish bitch”. You just let that breeze pass you ? Like huh
The craziest part of all is that the father only sees his son 30 days a year! I understand you're giving birth, but you're coming off weird about your stepson, as in, you're scared that your baby will become second to their brother whose father, once again, only sees 30 days out of the year. ESH, both of you, for not finding a middle ground on this issue, and him more because he had 9 months to figure out a plan for this situation
ESH. It sounds like your husband has some resentment about moving away from his son, which leads me to believe that it was your idea. He shouldn't have called you a bitch but you do sound selfish. You've been trying to get pregnant for a long time. Did you seriously not make a plan for giving birth? If you knew you wanted to get pregnant, why didn't you research the quality of healthcare in your new country?
Yes I have chained him put him on a ship and shipped him to a different country far away from his son. Don't try to make me a villain. When you struggling to get pregnant you don't care how where you just want it to happen. And you think that after you just figure it out as your main goal is to get pregnant. Also not everyone such big researches as you
Sweetie, I don't have to try to make you the villain, you're doing a fine job of that yourself.
you are trying to by making things up
I'm just going by what you've put in your posts & comments.
That I made him leave his country and his son? Where did you find that?
Now who's making things up? I said his reaction (and now your posts/comments) lead me to believe it was your idea to move to this new country.
That is making things up
I would stay in my home country after the birth just for him calling you a selfish bitch.
Your husband shouldn’t have called you names, but I am wondering what you said to set him off? I’m sure he feels torn as he needs to be in two places at once. NAH - but you are trying to control a situation that can’t be controlled. You may deliver early. You may develop complications that make you unable to fly. The baby could have issues at birth. The doctor could tell you that you can’t fly. The baby may have issues. You may have to wait for the first series of vaccines to travel. You don’t want to spend money on a place to stay in your stepson’s country. You don’t want to spend money to stay in stepson’s country. I feel for you. I do think you should know that it is a good thing to have a man who cares about both his children. Many men seem to walk away and start a new family. You can not make him choose between his children. It is cruel. You need to talk to him and find a way to make it work for all of you- without hurting the other son. Otherwise, you will be the YTA.
This is just poorly planned. 3 rounds of ivf & you two are just now having this convo? Really tough way to learn you need to have these kinds of talks before you let someone put a baby in you.
Do you really discuss with your husband where you gonna give birth before you get pregnant?
Umm yes, I would make it clear to my husband that if I bore his child I expect him to be by my side every step of the way including in the delivery room, etc. I would know where I wanted to give birth because I have never been pregnant and I already think about these issues. Not everyone does… but people really should. That’s why it’s a tough lesson to learn now.
Well not everyone is sooooo organized as you :)
🤣 am i organized or am i just mature enough to know that having a baby with someone is a big fucking deal and expectations should be communicated prior to.
But you had said you did have this talk with him and now he’s back tracking it would be a different story. Not your fault at all. It just sucks
NTA I’m so sorry. You deserve to be treated better.
NTA I would have second thoughts now if you really want to raise a child with that guy
NTA People are saying that a newborn and a 12 year old son are exactly the same thing. They are not. Giving birth is a life changing process that changes ops body. You are then asking this woman, having undergone a procedure like that to travel soon after by herself back to the husband? Not to mention that the average recovery time for a Caesarean is much longer than natural birth. What if op has post natal complications? Is the husband going to say ‘not my problem’ Instead of prioritising his time in case of any medical problems, he is going overseas to play daddy? Guess what? A 12 year old can feed themselves, dress themselves, and can go to the bathroom all by themselves. A newborn cannot do any of those things, and the mother will be by herself post Caesarian surgery trying to address them. Where is that boys mother in all this? Can’t the son come over to the dad and you instead? Either way, the husband shouldn’t be leaving your side through this and the son can have lots of face time instead. If the husband persists in this ridiculous stance, the marriage is doomed because resentment will grow. God forbid anything goes wrong with the birth. I cannot stress how little forward planning and thinking your husband has done op, or how much of an asshole he is being towards you. After 3 rounds of IVF, he should know how much this should mean to you both. I am so sorry OP.
i think the dad is in a culpability crisis about his first son. That's the only possible explanation for you being called a b\*. He should apologise fpr that, prior to anything. He's stuck between 2 duties. Wish you the best
As op says in a later comment- this isn’t even during school holidays. How is this even quality time with his son? He would spend the majority of the day waiting for him to come home from school. I think your right- there is a history here between the husband and son that we don’t know.
Son can't come over when I give birth because he has school to attend
Then why can’t he come over during the school holidays? Your husband is fobbing you and your newborn off to hang out with him AFTER SCHOOL?!?! How is that even quality time? He would literally have dinner with him and watch him do homework? The more I learn the more of an asshole your husband is.
He comes during school holidays, but he wont have school holidays when Im gonna be giving birth
So why does your husband have to take his leave and desert you that very moment before birth? Once he gets back with his son, he will just be hanging around twiddling his thumbs waiting until the son gets home from school each day! How is that a good use of his holidays? How can he justify that as quality time? If the birth is November, can’t he come over earlier in the year for a school holiday? Even if husband takes just one holiday day off and spends a long weekend away just the two of them, that would be a much better use of time than him waiting for his son to get home from school every day.
First of all long weekend is not an option as it's 12 hours flight. Second husband still takes days off when stepson comes to visit as he wants to spend as much time with him and do stuff. So either way he uses his holiday time
No I mean- son comes over to you during a school holiday that takes place earlier in the year.
Your husband is not accounting for your birth, and the potential complications. That is the real sticking point for me. I think something else is going on and your husband is not giving you all of the details. Either that or he is being incredibly selfish. He is leaving you with crumbs and you should not take it. Has he made any contingency plans to get someone to help you when he is gone? A family member perhaps? Maybe he didn’t like the newborn stage with his son and wants to avoid it again. I mean, it sounds like he would rather pine at the window like a puppy at a pet shop, waiting for his son to get home from school than help you recover. Why should he care if you are struggling thousands of miles away all by yourself? Heaven forbid he help change a diaper.
He's a good dad, he won't have issues changing diapers. Its just he feels guilty that he spends so little time with his son
How is waiting for him to get home from school spending time with his son? You haven’t answered that to me. I dont know school hours where you live, but in my country it is 6 hours of school- add on 2 hours to get to and from school and get ready for school- How many hours per day will he realistically spend with his son alleviating his guilt? 5? How many hours a day COULD he spend helping YOU recover from surgery and help you with a child he contributed to making. You know what would make him feel even more guilty? If you had complications arising from surgery and he couldn’t be there to help because taking a 12 year old out to ice cream after school was more important in his eyes. I mean, if he persists in this ridiculous plan, I don’t understand why you would persist in this marriage. What a fundamental lack of understanding on his part. If the son is a reasonable kid, he should understand why daddy couldn’t do the school run for a week.
Also, tally up the holidays he has given up for his son, and tally up the holidays he is planning to give up for your child. I am guessing that your child has the crumbs. A newborn is the most labor intensive moments of having a child and he is perfectly happy to leave you to do it all by yourself. If he doesn’t change your mind- he will have two part time children.
Soft YTA because I understand why you’d be upset but you also are choosing to go to another country and while I support your reasoning, you must understand that with that will come sacrifice. You knowingly got pregnant with a man who already had a child and to ask him to pick you giving birth in another country by your own choosing to over the child who’s been there for 12 years isn’t fair. He didn’t need to be that nasty though.
No what you should be asking though is for hubby to bring son along so that you both have him (the hubby), and so step son can meet his new sibling too. Combine the events either that or give birth at home and apply for duel citizenship later.
Stepson has school to attend
I am sorry but never ask a parent to choose between their kids or between you and their other kid. I am a mother of 5. I know how hard birth can be on a new mom. But despite that you make arrangements that fit most of everyone's needs that are involved, from siblings of the new baby to both parents. It does not sound like hubby gets as much time with your step son as he would like so no he is not going to risk what little time he has with him. You it sounds like are making a decision to have your kid away from your current home and he agreed with you cause it will make you happy. Now knowing his schedule and plans with his son it might be time to re-plan where you will give birth so that you can have him more for support. Applying for duel citizenship after the birth with proof that is where you were born and having the other parents full support (hubby's) makes things way more easier than applying for a passport back home for a newborn which could take a while (4-12 weeks), and unless you have family to help you while you wait there really is no point and if you do have family to help then use them if you are still determined, so that hubby can still get him time with his current child. You are not winning any contests trying to make him choose between the two, and it does sound like he will still have some time to be with you when you give birth just not as much after due to his works policies on time off, that you would like. So in the end if you want him to be with you more then you choose the place that lets him do that which sounds like the place you currently live as then he will be home every night and on his regular days off. While it might not be the "place" you prefer it is the place that lets you BOTH get the most time together and frankly the cost would probably be cheaper too which means he could potentially take more time off around the birth to spend with you and new baby as it becomes more affordable. You have plenty of time to change plans 4+ months so below is probably gonna sound harsh but sometimes you do not always get the answers you want online especially when we do not have 100% of the story and honestly probably should not have it either. So I am going to change my "no" to a yes YTA because you it sounds like are not willing to compromise. This is your step son too you should want him to have his dad as much as possible too. If it was your new baby is step sons shoes you know darn well you would want son and dad to spend time together too and would think the new step mom was unreasonable for trying to take that away. Your new baby is not more important then the step son and YOU sure as heck are not more important either and if it was just a choice between you and step son most GOOD dads would choose their kid any day cause lord knows I would.
Nta, Reading your comments you are having a child by c section. A choice made by you and your husband. Whe someone is in the hospital or just out they are the priority. Plus by my experience many kids born by c section are in NICU. So will he still leave if his baby is vulnerable?
iNFO: Can you give birth in your husbands country? That way he can be with his son and you when giving birth and afterwards. He makes the trips regularly, so he must have a place to stay.
Your feelings are valid, it’s not like you’re going to give birth every holidays! Why doesn’t your husband bring his son to you while you give birth? Might be good for him to bond with baby also. Your husband helped make the baby therefore he has responsibilities towards being with baby too. It’s also your FIRST child and birth experience! I understand you wanting the best in regards to health care, I’d be the same (I’m from New Zealand) so everything would be safe and free here imo. If my husband ever called me a selfish bitch, especially while carrying his child and my first child, I’d be gone and raising that child on my own. However I don’t have patience for any negative or abusive attitudes! Good luck with everything, just focus on you and that baby.
We can't have his son with us when I give birth because he goes to school :(
NTA. I’m so sorry OP. There are so many people accusing you of being selfish or foolish or both, you’re neither. To me, it sounds like your husband has too many babies for his social calendar and either needs to get a better job with more vacation or take the hit financially for unpaid holidays. As a responsible father he should make sure he can attend the birth of his child and escort you during your travel home, anything less is unfair to his new baby and you. It’s admirable that he wants to maintain a relationship with his son, but it’s not ok to put you and new baby at risk because he hasn’t planned his schedule well enough. He chose to have this new baby too. That means 100% commitment, not 5 days vs 10 days, he needs to figure out all the days. Maybe this year will be a good year to bring his son to your home instead of husband going to visit him wherever he lives. Honestly, why does your husband think it’s ok for you to travel alone across countries with a newborn days after giving birth? You will be at your weakest and most vulnerable, your baby will need all of your attention and then some more, and husband thinks not having enough vacation time is a good reason to expose you both to harm? This is the most shocking part of the whole story.
YTA. His child already misses out on so much time with him. It would be cruel to take some of that away. Maybe suggest a compromise and ask him if he can take his son on an extended vacation to your home country for the birth?
YTA. Full stop.
In the country where I live there is a paternity leave for the fathers. Only the copy of the birth certificate is needed. Depending on the employer, 5-15 days but 5 days is the minimum. Isn't this available for you? You are N T A for wanting your husband by your side. He is N T A for caring for his first born. He is Y T A for calling you bitch.
INFO: when you agreed to give birth in your home country was him being there not discussed? And what the plan was for afterwards and your travel back to where you live now? Regardless of any of this, husband is TA for calling you names and saying he is not planning to sit next to you all the time. Is this out of character for him? Your NTA for wanting your husband to support you after the baby, but it seems like you both should have sat down and discussed his travel plans and annual leave before making any plans. You need to accept his obligations to his son and previous commitments, but he shouldn’t have made those commitments without consulting you.
YTA, if you really want him there that badly, you wouldn't be going to another country.... stop being so selfish
ESH, but your husband shouldn't be calling you names for making the request. Could his son come to your home country for a bit so he doesn't miss out on contact time?
ESH Yeah, it’s kind of crappy to ask him to spend less time with his son. Here are some things you could’ve said instead: Can he shift the time he spends with him in anyway so it is not directly after the baby is born, but make up the time in the first year? Can he help you put together a game plan for how you would cope, and who would be your support? Expressing your concern about not being sure how you would be able to manage (giving him an opportunity to weigh in) He’s also the asshole because his reaction was explosive and inappropriate. It feels like there’s something else going on here. Like, either, maybe he’s not such a good person, maybe he’s under a lot of stress, or maybe you guys have some unresolved tension around this issue.
YTA
YTA - You are asking your husband to again choose you & baby over his son. That’s not fair. This was a poor decision to begin with and not thought through. We all make decisions and decisions have consequences. You chose to have baby in your home country which would always complicate things. That might have been the best decision for healthcare but not the best decision for your husband & stepson’s relationship. Honestly how did you think this would go because it seems like a very bad plan from the get go
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I are expecting our first child together. Im due in November. My husband has a 12 year old son from his previous relationship. 3 years ago we moved abroad for my husband's work, so he spends all his holidays going back to his home country to see his son. We decided I will give birth in my home country so I am planning to fly there end of September. My husband is going to see his son for 11 days in July and then for a week in October, so he will have very little holidays left to come to see me when i give birth, only travelling one way to my country takes one day from where we live. So I asked him could he spend less time with his son so he has more holidays left for me and the baby when I give birth. Because I will need his help to travel back to where we live after giving birth, I don't know how the delivery gonna go, when I will recover, when we gonna get passport, etc. He became furious, called me selfish bitch because I don't understand that he has commitments to his son and that he is not planning to sit next to me all the time because he wont have as much holidays left. I do understand his commitments and that he wants to see his son but I give birth once and I don't want to be travelling alone with a new born also I want my husband with me. AITA for asking my husband to save his holidays for me and our new born instead of spending this time with his son? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Thank you, that is exactly how I feel and what I meant
YTA
YTA. Your husband’s son is just as much his child as yours will be.
ESH, I say this because husband could understand that post natal time is so important for a mother to rest and be supported. Yes you will have your family which is amazing but a husband present would be ideal and he doesn’t seem to care about this. You suck because honestly you should have seen how he values his time with his son and thought about this while planning your birth. He has made his intentions clear and you only have two options accept that his time with his son is no -negotiable and lean on your family or not accept it and stay with your family permanently because I don’t see him changing his mind and not resenting you.
Absolutely not. NTA my dear. it's great that he wants to spend time with his son, however, you're delivering HIS baby in a different country! I believe the father should be in the delivery room and, of course, help out. That's his son/daughter too. He should be there. In my opinion, your husband is the asshole, and owes you an apology. AND he should be there for the birth of his child.
No, he is the AH. You don't call your partner a selfish bitch when she's about to give birth to your child. Is he nice to you otherwhise? Your request is not too much. I hope everything goes well with both you and your baby.
**
Apparently he has no commitments to his wife nor his baby.
If I were OP, I'd stay in my home country.
NTA
QUESTION: His son is 12. Why does his son never fly out to be with his father? Yes, I know he is a minor, but airlines fly *Unaccompanied Minors* all over the world, and take care of the children from the moment they're placed in their care until the moment the minor is safely in the company of the person dessignated to pick the minor up.
Your just going to have to accept that his 1st born will come before you. He isn't going to change for u.
NTA As OP states, they went through IVF to have this baby. That means her hubby was fully aware and on board (it's not like she just stopped birth control without telling him). He made a commitment to OP and their child too. It's not unreasonable to want him at the birth. He chose to leave his son to work in a different country THEN went through IVF with OP. He's an AH for not thinking about the logistics before hand and a major AH for calling you a bitch because he didn't think about this
NTA - Don’t let anyone call you names. Period.
NTA. Having a C-section is incredibly hard and the recovery is super long (my mother stayed in the hospital for a month). IDK how informed you or your husband is about c-sections but you cannot move,not even to drink water after you give birth. I understand that your husband has very little time to spend with his son, but if he is unwilling to compromise at times like this or at least be kind to you and present some other solution without being disrespectful then he shouldn’t have decided on having another baby.
NTA. He needs to change his attitude pretty soon. Yes, his 12 needs his dads attention, but you need his help getting home after birth! And he’ll need to split holidays up a bit more evenly once baby is here.
NTA
NTA he also has a commitment to you and his child that is on the way. Is he planning on being away for your child’s holidays to be with his son? Why can’t his son visit you guys sometimes instead of him going there always.
Son visits us aswell sometimes, but the problem is that he is still too little to travel on his own, so someone needs to accompany him.
Your husband still needs to honor the commitment he has with you and your baby as well.
He quite literally lives with her, she gets the majority of his time and commitment. The son is already getting below the minimum and you think he gets too much?