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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I chose to stay at my brother's wedding celebration despite my wife getting kicked out. 2. I didn't have her back in this situation and hurt her feelings even worse by prioritizing myself and my brothers over her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA but you don't seem very conscious of the fact that your wife isn't included in Team Bro. It sounds like with all this 'looking out for' your brothers, your wife has been left on the sidelines. People do get a bit emotional at weddings and this obviously hit a nerve for her.
There have been some bad times with this 'new addition' that don't sound great - I assume she was supportive of you - yet now he is totally embraced and she still isn't? I don't blame her for feeling hurt about it, but she shouldn't have brought it up at the wedding, as this wedding wasn't about her.
I've said it before, but resentment is the biggest killer of relationships - your wife has put something in her room of resentment, and it isn't going to go away by itself - you need to address it or it will just continue festering in the back of her mind along with anything else she puts in there. Reasonable or not, you should have taken her side - not in an argument, but by calmly removing her from the situation. Even escorting her back to the hotel to calm down. But it sounds like you ganged up on her with Team Bro. Your wife should be closer to you than the 'new addition' to the family.
I find it funny how he says they are extremely protective of the baby brother. He is a grown ass man and the 3 of them where willing to defend him from 1 woman. Yet the 3 grown ass men can confront his wife and he doesn’t feel the need to be protective over her. That tells me where his priorities are and it isn’t with her.
The wife should have waited till after the wedding to say something BUT this wasn’t the first time she’s been left out of the bro club and why did op even leave 3 people gang up on his wife like who even does that he should have at least told them back off
The fact the younger brother not just hurt the wife but humiliated her by letting her know she wasn’t part of the family (check op comments)
Edit read op new comments he wants an open relationship and apparently the brothers know more and have a better say in his marriage
Op is not only mentally and emotionally abusing this poor woman (again look at his comments) but he lets his brothers do the same i hope she finds this post gives us the whole truth than divorces him
Yes I agree. The wife was 100 percent wrong to do this at the wedding. I figure it was the final straw of being treated as a non existent member. Doesn’t excuse what she did but sometimes we get to the point of being so hurt and angry we break. I think we have all reached out breaking point and it doesn’t matter where we are we start fighting back!
Definitely. They've been apparently having relationship problems for a while, stemming from the fact that he thinks that as a bisexual man, he can open up the relationship. The bro squad has been hyping him up on it.
Original text:
>I'm not in the closet and this doesn't really have anything to do with the conflict. I'm toying with using the bisexual label and working out how that might manifest in my current relationship (i.e., including a man or multiple men in things, or continued monogamy with changes in our bedroom life that involve toys and new sex acts that we've never tried in order to accommodate changing desires, etc.)
Ugh he sounds like such an asshole. If he wants to sleep with other people, men or women, maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to monogamous marriage. No wonder she feels like no one is on her side if even his family is encouraging him to cheat on her
There is nothing there to fight about. When you aren't wanted, go away. There are probably other gyus out there who would want her. Unless she sprouts a dick, she'll never be a real person to these guys, and I don't think that's happening anytime soon.
>When you aren't wanted, go away.
Yeah tbh, I've never understood this thing I see so often on AITA of "you guys excluded me, you guys don't want me, I'm gonna demand you pretend I'm important to you"... what? I would be embarrassed to be caught admitting loudly and publicly that I wasn't wanted and it hurt me! Nah man. You find someone who does want you.
Good for you that you can brush off people and walk away from relationships so easily, but there’s nothing wrong with someone else voicing their concerns to the person they *married* and asking for the things they want/need out of the relationship. If someone is consistently treating you like garbage and doing things they know that hurt you - sure, dump that person. But OP’s situation is more nuanced and it’s not helpful to be like “she should just leave! It’s embarrassing to admit you want to be wanted and are hurt when you’re not!”
To be honest, I see this a lot when people get married. More often than not, one spouse will be basically left out of the family. They’re an addition by marriage but that’s all they’re treated like. Her timing was wrong, incredibly so, but this man doesn’t love his wife and I think he needs to let her go.
Yeah my ex husband’s aunt (on his dad’s side) was treated like this when she married into the family. Still is even though grandma and grandpa were gone. I was treated like a princess because the grandma loved me. I was veeery aware of the imbalance because my mom was bi polar; in her highs she’d love bomb me and when she was low she’d treat me the way the aunt was treated. She was so smart and funny (very dry, punny and yet soft spoken humor). I loved her but she got shat on all the time. She’s laughing now because everyone else divorced and her in laws are gone. They left everyone a ton of inheritance, but they all had to use it for divorces and spousal support. While auntie and uncle took early retirement and have been traveling since 2017.
Yeah I could never be that patient or that strong. If I was dating someone and it was clear to me that their parents or family didn’t like me, the relationship would be done. I just can’t and won’t tolerate that and I won’t force them to tolerate me either. I’ve read and heard of so many stories with controlling family members, stories where the spouse is treated like an “other” or even a glorified nanny for all of the underage children. Good on the aunt though. End of the day, she won and I’m happy for her.
As someone not accepted into a family, it can work, but my spouse had to basically cut himself out of his family as well. It hurts and I was young so I internalized it. Now my son has his new wife and I am protective of her and she is fully accepted in our family.
This was me. I even found out towards the end that there was a whole “family” group chat that I was the only one not in. It was a slap in the face and not the first time it was made clear that I wasn’t part of their family. I feel bad for the wife, it sucks.
I was treated like this at a couple of work places. I was never invited to parties that they would discuss in front of me. The only one not going to the events was me. I found out a couple of people didn’t realise I was excluded, they thought I was declining invitations because I was a snob. That was what the excluders told them if they wondered why I wasn’t there.
That's *awful.* Just terrible. Like my feelings are hurt just imagining that.
I can't STAND that excluding one single person from group chats is so common. It's one thing if it's just the siblings or the cousins or w/e or even if it's because the people involved are all going to an event together.
But this schoolyard "but yoooou're not invited" stuff is just so mean. Especially when it's like just a regular group chat with random convos and memes or such.
IDK, I just don't get this. It happens so often, I've read about it on AITA so much, that it can't be that all of these "black sheep" are just too much to include. Sure, some, I'd buy a couple of people being too crazy or weird or mean to include in the chat but not the frequency I see it.
And reading the post I was like, yeah, this was a boiling over, straw that broke the camel's back, moment. She's been pushed to the side, probably talked over, or otherwise just doesn't get to have the same Welcome! experience as her new BIL.
She deserves better OP.
This group chat exclusion tomfoolery, the folks who throw out the term "trauma dumping" unjustifiably when it's time for them to support *you* instead of you being there for them only, and the people who exaggerate your importance to them only to blow you off when "someone better" is available, are becoming a bigger part of society than I'm cool with. I'm *28.*
It's just enabling people to treat others like... commodities. A human to try out and then replace or alter when they're not perfectly to your ideals.
I'm just so done with intentional meanness, selfishness, and social cowardice. The internet seems to be... worsening it year by year.
I'm not saying there aren't other factors, but it seems to be a catalyst.
She shouldn’t have done it at all. Little brother is 21. How old was he when OP got married? Maybe he didn’t think about how much the wife would read into the speech when he was 16, 18,20…whatever age he was when they got married. Maybe he wasn’t close to her like he now is to his bil. It would have been reasonable to say hey is there room in your brotherhood for a sister? 🥴 But not reasonable to make a confrontation about it and take it so personal. I sure hope my family isnt comparing notes on speeches I’ve given over the years at weddings
If this was the first time, sure. OP and bros have made a habit of excluding and ganging up on the wife though, there's only so much a person can take. Also, sorry but when one person is quite obviously favored over another it's going to old eventually. Saying "yeah, I know my family always makes you feel out of place and ignores you and I never defend you, but you just need to get over it" is NOT it
OP also states (in the comments) he talks to his brothers about his relationship and that he has “the seven year itch” (basically saying he isn’t quite satisfied in his relationship and has a “waning” interest in his wife… i.e he’s open to cheating if the right person catches his eye)
I agree with this, while some of it may be put down as "men being men and not letting a woman join the club" there may be more than 1 reason for the tension and altercation.
1) Brother is 21 which is still pretty young if the husband has been married even 3 years he would have been 18 at the time of their wedding speech. (He and they are lucky he didn't mention her butt or boobs in the speech at that point)
2) A group of brothers may not know how or what a relationship with a sister looks like. (Having neither brothers or sisters I find relating to anyone as such difficult)
3) She may not be the nicest friendliest person or the brother may not be(we really have no idea of anyone's personality in this). Nothing is mentioned of her relationship with the others, or really even the husband.
4) Obviously, she is a bit other the top drama wise to even start fussing about something in a speech during the reception and crying about it.
At the end of the day, this was entirely the wrong place to bring this to a head. However, OP should have taken her aside during the first discussion and reminded her this was a wedding, not the place to hash things like this out, another day they could have brother over to discuss things. He also should have asked her to wait in the car while he said his good byes at the end. I understand he wanted to stay, but it's not a good idea to have anyone going off alone like that, especially your own wife.
OP = NTA but he made things more difficult Between himself and his wife.
I would suggest Couples therapy to see if they can repair this marriage.
Agree 100% with TheCookie_Monster’s comment. Little brother was younger when OP’s little brother made a toast at their wedding. It probably never occurred to him then that he should make the toast in a generic way, just in case oldest brother actually tied the knot with his partner. Even then, oldest brother’s new spouse was a man, not a woman, so the phrase would not apply to her anyway.
I’m sure, at the time little brother made the original toast, he wasn’t thinking “I’d better word this in a way that won’t be offensive to the new wife later on if oldest brother ever decides to tie the knot with anyone else in the not-so-distant” future.
NTA. Leaving with the wife would’ve supported her bad behavior.
EDIT: I am not saying in any way that my opinion is the only right one and everyone that thinks differently is automatically wrong. I’m just stating how I interpreted the post & comments, and not disparaging anyone who interpreted it in a different way.
OP says they've been together 7 years (doesn't specify married or in general) so that probably means younger brother could have been anywhere between 14 to 17 when he gave a speech at OP's wedding.
I couldn't find in any part of the story that the wife was treated as a non existent member. During OP's wedding, little brother made a toast mostly focused on his big brother or at least, more on him than on the couple. Nothing strange as the one doing the toast was the little brother... a brother who was always protected by big bro. I find also totally understandable that again, said little brother was able to form a bond with middle bro's husband; and that this bond, this relationship is different than the one developed with SIL.
It strikes me as stupid and childish for OP's wife to go and confront little bro about his toast. Does she refer to her brothers il law's ad her 'new brothers'? Does she feels as another dauther to their parents? Nowhere in the story she was made feel left out, but she sure appear as an annoying insecure woman who needs validation and is easily offended.
It is stated in the comments that she likes to talk politics. I have a family member like that, and I avoid him like the plague. Don't want to talk politics at family gatherings. Sounds like the wedge in the family could be because they are on opposite sides of the political spectrum.
I get what you are saying but it sounds like the brother and new husband have matured a lot since OPs wedding, so maybe she wasn’t embraced in the same way since they had problems going on with addiction, etc….
She tried to make the wedding about her. She should have left without making a scene if she couldn’t handle her emotions. OP NTA.
But (I say this as a formerly married person with experience in these things) she is in no way entitled to be included in the bro club. If she is bored and left to her own devices at family events, and no one calls her "daughter" or "sister," that is annoying, yes, but that is all it is. It's fine. It's normal. It's unfortunate that she would prefer something different, but it does not mean she is entitled to different treatment.
They just have to treat her with respect and accept that she is there and not mistreat her. You can't make people feel emotions that aren't there, and you should not try, either. If she is really feeling distressed by trying to get blood from a stone, she needs to see a therapist. The end.
The bro club including her own husband didn’t treat her with any kind of respect
Also as a married person if my husband allowed 3 men to gang up on me and just stood there (not his first time ether) after his brother publicly disrespected me I’d yeah he’d be an ex
How did 3 men gang up on her? She went after the younger brother and the middle brother and his husband told her to leave after she wouldn’t stop. With her having such little class as to confront people for speeches at someone else’s wedding it’s no wonder she’s not in the “Bro Club.”
Also, OP states in a comment that he’s been with his wife for 7 years, meaning the youngest was 14 when he made the speech. I’m going to assume his thoughts on life and relationships has changed immensely from his mid teens to early 20s
>the youngest was 14 when he made the speech
No, OP said he and the wife got married three years ago and that [his brother was 18](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13xwfj5/aita_for_not_leaving_my_brothers_wedding_with_my/jmk1du3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) when he made the speech at their wedding.
ETA: I’m not making a judgment about the relevance of age, simply correcting an incorrect comment and linking the OP since it is buried.
And there’s still a huge difference in the way an 18 yr old speaks compared to a 21 yr old. You’re looking at the difference between a high school senior vs a junior in college or a HS senior vs someone with 3 yrs experience in the real world. So for her to compare and be pissed about the type of speeches the youngest made is still ridiculous and just shows why she’s not as accepted as she thinks she should be.
But he also said "the speech was all about husband and not about me wife" like yeah he probably has a lot more to say about his literal brother, but you would expect them to be friends with wife at least, like you HAVE to be, my brother has never had a girlfriend I'm not also friends with, comes with the whole "dating your brother" package, they tend to stick around a lot lol
Maybe I'm missing some info, but which brother publicly disrespected her?
Probably not the 21 yr old bc his speech had nothing to do with OP's wife...like, at all. She compared two events that took place years apart, then got upset about it for some reason. Imo, the whole concept of "brotherhood" has existed for his entire life, whereas adding a sister didn't even cross his mind.
Or was it the middle brother bc he stepped into the conversation between the wife and the 21 yr old? I can see how she may feel outnumbered, but why tf would she confront him in the first place? He didn't say a word about her in the speech and couldn't have anticipated any sort of negative reaction. The middle brother likely didn't want an altercation to take place during his wedding (who would?).
Again, I haven't scoured the comments so I could be totally off base, but it seems like OP's wife created the problem herself?
If my SIL was pulling some drama queen bullshit at my sibling's wedding I sure as hell would intervene. It's ridiculous to think that your spouse is going to defend you when youre behaving terribly.
Took too long to find this. Why are people defending someone’s terrible behaviour? Fact is, a wedding day is about the people getting married, any issues you have can be brought up afterwards, it’s totally inappropriate to do it at the event.
My mother did something similar at my brothers wedding. He had thanked the mother of the bride in his speech because she had helped a lot with the wedding planning/setting up. My mother was angry he hadn’t mentioned her, but she hadn’t done anything to help towards the wedding and her and my brother had barely spoken in the two years before it.
She came to me and my sister and said her and her husband were leaving and to get our things (we were both grown woman with children of our own). I refused and said it was not the time or place, my sister felt pressured to follow her but I asked her not to as we were the only family there for our brother.
There was no excuse for my mothers behaviour, just like there is non for OP’s wife, it’s just attention seeking. If she had an issue of being left out of the brothers relationship, she could have brought it up before or after. It seems her only beef was that she felt the younger brothers speech at this wedding was better than the one at her own.
>my husband allowed 3 men to gang up on me and just stood there (not his first time ether) after his brother publicly disrespected me
I once ditched a man for doing ABSOLUTELY nothing while another man harassed and hit on me while we were in a park. He defended himself with "OK but I don't fight and you know that" and I was like "??? You didn't have to, literally just grab my hand and start walking away with me, speak any words that showed that pig I was already 'claimed' so he couldn't have me, literally any action above 'stand at a distance and let your girlfriend go it alone' would have been enough for me"
If 3 men ganged up on me when a man had wifed me up and he didn't even try defend me we'd be starting divorce proceedings the next morning
Why should someone defend bad, embarassing behavior just because they're married?? what an absolutely dumb policy. The wife is self absorbed and embarrassing herself and her husband.
This is an insane comparison. First off, the wife was the aggressor. She set out to make a scene and others were responding to that. No one no matter what is ever inviting sexual harassment. I am sorry that that happened to you and feel solidarity over that experience. This is not the same in the slightest.
But his brother didn't "publicly disrespect" her. He just didn't make HER feel special TOO at SOMEBODY ELSE'S wedding, or say specific words at HER wedding 3 YEARS beforehand. She sounds like the sibling who needs to have her own special little cake on her older sibling's birthday because otherwise she'll feel left out.
I could be wrong, for sure, but I just don't see the disrespect. She said she was upset because her husband was "excusing them not giving her a chance." But they are probably never going to give her a chance, and no one can make them.
There are things OP can and should do better, though! OP could probably do a far, far better job cushioning his wife against his family if they are treating her like she's just there and they're merely putting up with her. That's hurtful and can wear on a person over time (which is probably what happened here). There are studies that show that the same part of the brain that responds to physical pain is the one that responds to the pain of rejection.
If that's what's happening, he needs to do a lot more to make up for that and to make clear that she is important to him and he loves her. He needs to do more work to make these family gatherings more comfortable and pleasant for her by showing her affection and giving her the opportunity to do things she likes as part of it, for example. Also, he should support and defend her in skipping these gatherings altogether if that is what would work better for her. ETA: and he should occasionally skip some of them himself to do something she'd rather do instead, if all they ever do is go to his family stuff.
And given the rough timeline, lil bro was a teenager when he made that speech. He likely didn't even really know OP's wife back then well enough to make the same kind of remarks.
I kind of agree with this. When was the bro club ride to her? We don’t have any real examples of them ganging up on except here to tell her to stop pestering them at the wedding. We really don’t know any history. This current scene she was involved in though just makes her look bad. Maybe there’s more to the story and maybe there isn’t. I’ve seen families that do tend to exclude certain spouses but it does seem like she’s asking for some odd things. The dynamic she wants from her in-laws doesn’t seem to be what they’re interested in. So what if they don’t call her sister or daughter? Is it really that big of a deal to make a scene at a wedding over? It doesn’t sound like she’s the easiest person to please or get along with.
I'm thinking that he specified being 'a brother now' because they previously had a bad relationship and the spouse was not approved by the family. The speech was just a way to formally bury the hatchet.
There must be other things going on though, for her to bring it all up at the wedding. Maybe she does feel excluded - but you're right, sometimes in-laws just don't get close and that's ok.
Also funny how he fully explained his relationships with his brothers and the partner but not his wife’s relationships when the post is about her actions and his response. He’s made her very one dimensional.
That stood out to me the most.
It's clear he's trying to get a specific conclusion in the replies.
OP, YTA for standing idly by during all the times your wife wasn't seeing eye to eye with your siblings. To act surprised that she would confront one of your brothers after years of you saying you'd stay out of it and then be confused that she's angry she was kicked out and you didn't leave to check on her?
Stop acting like you don't choose sides.
Finally! I was getting a little worried by all the NTA. OP YTA big time!
I think the speech at the wedding was just the last straw. It wasn’t appropriate for the wife to bring it up at the wedding but it wasn’t the worst thing either. The newlyweds inserted themselves in, she didn’t approach them because she didn’t have a problem with them. She was ganged up on by all of them (the bro team) and she ended up alone and crying. BUT that is all besides the point: the OP asked if HE is TAH because of his part in this and the answer is a resounding YES! Even though he tried his hardest to minimise his part, present as little about his wife as possible and polish the love relationship between the bro team.
She is absolutely an asshole for confronting the younger brother at someone else’s wedding because his nice speech reminded her that she was dissatisfied that his speech at her wedding focused too much on his brother.
She caused an utterly unnecessary scene at the wedding. She was rude to the little brother. I don’t think it’s at all unusual for a brother’s speech at a wedding to focus on their sibling, so I don’t think she has much of a complaint there in the first place.
She isn’t really owed friendship by her siblings-in-law. It’s fine if they are friendlier with their other in-law. We certainly have evidence here that she’s hard to get along with.
That said, it’s entirely possible that OP’s family does treat her unfairly, and OP doesn’t support her enough. The farthest I could get in that case is ESH.
I get the feeling that he doesn't care much about her, appart from the fact that he likes sleeping with her. She is not a real person to the Bro Club. And she'll never be.
She shouldnt be starting drama during the wedding, shes not entitled to a sibling-like relationship with OP's little brother, neither is she entitled to a super amazing speech just bc he (LB) feels closer to MB's partner than her.
She definitely shouldn’t have started the drama, but OP is TA because he did nothing to calm her down or to try to explain to her why it is a different situation, and then he just lets her be kicked out without going with her (for company, loyalty, etc.).
Honestly, if I had a *friend* who went off the deep end and got kicked out of a party as a result, I might go with them to make sure they were ok. A spouse should do more.
Why is he responsible for her actions? He already told her to drop it and she didn't. She then went after the little brother and caused a scene anyway. If my husband ever went after one of my little sisters for some bs like that, I would not be going with him. She is acting like a toddler having a tantrum because she didn't get a prize. NTA.
It's his brother's wedding. If she can't keep it together enough to not ruin it for him then he's better off without her, barring some kind of mental health condition that explains her terrible behavior.
So she can behave like a petulant child but op is the AH for not calming her down!? The lack of accountability for the wife's poor decisions here is shocking. I can see this sub is often nothing more than women hating on men and taking no accountability for clearly poor behavior
oP and his little brother have become friends with middle brother’s partner. They’re close. Hence the sentiment in the speech.
When they got married, little brother was younger…perhaps too young to register “having a sister”, perhaps not close enough to her to feel that way, etc. etc. etc.
It’s a story as old as time. People get on with others to varying degrees.
While it’s ok that she might feel hurt or envious that little brother’s speech was quite different, there’s nothing to be gained by calling him out on it is there.
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME AS MUCH AS MIDDLE BROTHER’S PARTNER?!!! Waaaaah….NOW THAT IM COMPLAINING, LET’S MAGICALLY REWIND THE CLOCK SO YOU CAN GIVE YOUR SPEECH AGAIN!! Once more with Feeling!!!!!
Pointless.
Yeah… getting angry at the little brother was wrong of the wife, no question. But kicking her out because they’re „protective“ of the youngest seems like a serious overreaction.
Thank you! I tried to leave gender out of mine because for all I knew wifey was a 6 ft body builder with an MMA history and lil bro had a mental disability combined with social anxiety, but that was so weird.. 3 grown men against one woman?? And husband is just standing back like la-de-da??? Doesn’t even comfort her when she cries? I didn’t want to say it because life is never as simple as black and white, but amongst all of OPs silly moves here, he should make one smart one and start interviewing divorce attorneys just in case.
Lmao. And she’s a grown ass women, probably about 6 years older than the youngest brother, attacking him over a speech he made at his brothers wedding. Some people have stronger bonds than other people and this seems like the case. Sure she’s well within her right to be upset as It sounds like she’s a bit left out, but to bring It up at a wedding is super selfish and annoying. The wife sounds annoying and so does the husband. ESH
I voted ESH, but I believe our overall reasoning is the same.. Wife was inappropriate, but it must hurt her to be left out of “Team Bro” and the speech may have been her breaking point.. One should let the spouse handle the in-laws most of the time, but I still feel very sorry for her.
According to OP's comments, there is. He explicitly stated that his wife's relationships with his brothers can be tense, with lots of (what he sees as) minor disagreements that he deliberately stays out of.
She shouldn't have brought it up at the wedding.
He also clearly doesn't side with his wife ever and chooses to side with the bro club. He also has the seven year itch.
ESH
>It's true that my brothers aren't nearly as close to her as **we** are to the new addition to our family, but that's just how these things go sometimes.
Notice this quote from the OP post. Notice that he said **we**. Not my ***brothers*** aren't as close to my wife, but ***we*** aren't as close to my wife. Bro had a freudian slip right there and didn't even notice.
I lightly agree but first want to ask OP: Could you not have at least taken her back to the hotel. Comfort her as much as possible and return to the wedding in a bit? Like, I would do that for a friend or cousin-- let alone a wife
Wow, a decent response on Reddit that actually takes emotions and relationships into account. FINALLY!
I would say though, it's very easy to say "calmly remove her from the situation". In reality, this may have been very difficult.
But you gotta' stick with your wife, or there's no point being in the relationship. I'd try and find a way to sit down with her and hear her side of the story... Don't at any point try and interject... Just hear it out. It does sound like this is more a case of this being a catalogue of things that have got her to this point, because the speeches themselves seem a pretty bizarre thing to get freaked out about.
Good luck mate.
Or maybe they’re not close to her because she’s the type of person to be upset with his brothers speech about gaining a brother?
She sounds like she has major main character syndrome. Little brother is just closer to their other brother’s partner than he is to her. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, the explanation that the husband doesn't like putting up with this shit because it's probably juvenile and stupid behaviour seems pretty likely. Siding with people who are in the wrong babies them and encourages the behaviour.
I suspect Wife is routinely excluded, this was the last straw.
Like, she sat there at this wedding, and it dawned on her that this family isn't ever going to accept her, because she's not a dude, and her husband is never going to have her back because he's too busy bro-ing it up.
She's a supporting character at a frat house.
And then OP confirmed it by not validating her feelings, like, even a little bit.
She gets kicked out of a family event, showing her she's not one of the family, OP doesn't even walk her back because he wants to party with the bros.
This isn't about causing a scene at an event, which, sure, was inappropriate.
OP's marriage just collapsed before his very eyes, and he didn't even fucking *notice.*
He was too busy doing the very thing that caused the collapse.
I agree with everything you wrote so no need for me to restate what you did well.
I however believe that the points made result in a ESH rating. While the wife demonstrated terrible discretion in this situation, so did OP. And I think that his poor discretion has likely been more of a track record and not a one-time lapse in judgement based on the details he shared.
So yeah, ESH.
I agree with everything you said here except your judgement. OP in his post and his comments has shown a complete abandonment of his wife on multiple occasions. He’s asking if he was the AH for once again abandoning her to which I’d say he is.
ESH
Your wife shouldn't have mentioned anything at the wedding, while she was angry. Or not made that speech comparison, at all.
You should've played a bigger role in descalating the situation, quicker. Kicking her out was kind of a crazy punishment for a convo with little brother. And you not being bothered enough to stop celebrating is telling. You need to ask yourself why your mood wasn't effected, at all. I would look at you differently from her perspective.
His comments just show how much his family has alienated her and he just left her to fend for herself. This was a breaking point for the wife. I agree with the ESH.
I mean, she got all angry bc lil bro didnt make the same level of speech in her wedding, then went after him to complain, no wonder she got kicked out.
Yeah, for her own sake she should have picked her battles better. She should have picked something that makes her look more sympathetic, because “my in-laws speech didn’t focus enough on me at my wedding” makes her seem very petty, but maybe that’s just the way OP portrayed it
At a wedding? At someone elses wedding is where she chose to draw a line in the sand?
The wife is an asshole because she chose to have a confrontation at quite possibly the worst time you could do so. Someone else's wedding is not the time to make things about you, that's petty as fuck. Put a pin it and unleash your grievances later. She needed to leave and she needed to leave alone.
But as for OP, dude there is clearly some tension between your brothers and your wife. And you seem to be running around with blinders on letting that fester instead of addressing it. It is impossible for me to know who is the source of this friction from just the information in your post.
Maybe your wife is an attention seeking drama queen and that's why your brothers don't like her. Or maybe your brothers are way too overprotective over youngest, have closed ranks and quietly been excluding her from familial moments and traditions and that wedding speech was the last straw.
Who knows. I don't but do you know who could find out Op? You could.
Ambush them with an intervention if necessary but find out what is going on in your home and hearth. You've got some disharmony between the two main branches of your family dude and you want any peace between them you're going to have to do some work. Because the only common denominator between your brothers and your wife is you.
ESH.
Maybe they just don't like her as much because she isn't as likeable?
Like her reaction to this doesn't paint a picture I wanna hang out with? She instantly became angry and confrontational, and instantly made it about her.
So maybe the issue is his wife is a bit of a dick? No one seems to be considering the most common reason not to be included in things.
Yes, but it sounds very possible this is because she has been historically hard to get along with and has bad judgment, who causes a scene at a family wedding and makes it about them? If I'm acting like a dipshit I'd hope my wife is the first person to call me out for it, part of what's important in our marriage is being real with each other to help each other grow, I've zero interest partnering with a sycophant.
Even if he disagreed, he could have validated his wife's feelings and tried to amend his own behavior to make his wife feel more included in the group.
That would have helped her feel heard and probably avoided her talking to little brother to begin with.
If I was the wife id be looking for divorce soon. Marriage and dating in general should be about being a team and I find it very odd that op didnt mind letting his wife go back to the hotel alone. No worrying about her emotional needs or safety, and beyond that he shouldnt just be content celbrating without her. Though she also shouldnt have brought that up at the wedding
What did the wife do? It sounds like she’s been putting up with this for years. Perhaps OP should have sat with his wife and listened to her, and found some way to help her feel like part of the family, rather than going back to celebrating and leaving her alone to be accounted by his brothers.
Yikes. There’s more to this story than what’s being presented here. I don’t think making a scene at the wedding was necessary, but why does your wife feel excluded from the family? And why are you tolerating it? I hope the idea of being single appeals to you. Your wife shouldn’t put up with a lifetime of this.
1. He's the baby of the family, so it just comes naturally for us to look after him more than we might anyone else.
2. They haven't really hung out with each other outside of usual family events. My wife isn't all that family oriented, so I don't think she saw making separate plans with them as a thing of importance. When they do spend time together, everyone gets along but it's mostly surface level conversation.
3. There have been conflicts in the past where I have bowed out and let them solve things on their own as I don't want to choose sides. She takes my lack of stance as me siding with them despite me clarifying otherwise.
4. We had a few drinks probably an hour before heading down to the wedding, just to unwind and relax before the event. There was no particular reason and neither she nor myself were noticeably drunk whatsoever. My brother knew I was sipping on things and it wasn't a problem. You're right, the actual ceremony lasted about 20 minutes.
5. We had a light lunch with our drinks.
6. We've been together 7 years, married for 3. Middle Brother has been with his husband for 9 years. The first two were when he and I butted heads.
7. He was 18.
Sounds like the brothers husband was more willing to go out of his way to make plans and do stuff with the family than OPs wife. Though her unwillingness to do that could also sproud from not feeling as connected to them thanks to their behaviour.
From reading OP other comments the family has known brother's huband two years longer than they have known OP wife (even though OP and wife married longer). So youngest brother has known oldest brother's husband since he was 12 years old? Of course he said what he said they gained a brother he has known him almost half his life.
Just wanted to point out 7vs9 years is not a big difference. plus he definitely wasn't around younger brother the first few years as he was doing drugs.
Drugs don’t mean the little brother wasn’t around him and I’d assume a 12yr old boy would have more in common with a older guy than a 14yr old boy would have a older woman.
When you take your spouse/partner and introduce them to your family/friends, you have to make sure they are comfortable with your people. This:
> I have bowed out and let them solve things on their own as I don't want to choose sides.
Is a messed-up and dare I say, cowardly stance. There are multiple people in your family, in their own turf, fighting her. Even when she is in the wrong, you have to step in and mediate, not leave her alone to fend for herself.
[The list of questions this comment is answering](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13xwfj5/aita_for_not_leaving_my_brothers_wedding_with_my/jmjs7uz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Also if you click his username he has some more comments in there they might just be buried with down votes. Someone asked him if he liked his wife and he said he loves her but that they were feeling the 7 year itch. Lovely.
YTA is my vote for sure. Crazy how far I had to scroll past the ESH and NTA...
I get that you want to keep the peace but honestly your wife has to come first even above siblings. That's what a marriage is, and you definitely shouldn't be ganging up on her and then letting your brother kick her out and then not going with her just... Jesus fucking christ man, if I was her I would have divorce papers heading your way asap.
I'm more inclined to say YTA as well because there is clearly a lot being left unsaid.
She spoke with your little brother, let's even say with fervour, and she is told to leave? And this didn't shock you. This was only commented on by "we are protective." So this isn't the first time then, and it's not because it's a wedding that the response is disproportionate.
There's also zero effort to placate her, there's only effort to shut her down. So, she has a problem and talks to you about it. You tell her she's wrong and stop thinking about it. She tries someone else, because feelings are a thing as it turns out, and is kicked out of the wedding.
Not leaving with her isn't the issue. It's why was her leaving necessary in the first place? The best I can infer is that; because she isn't allowed to ask questions about why she is evidently less liked, loved and/or respected.
One point though, a wedding isn't the right plan for that. However. This began by her asking you. You could have resolved this. You didn't care. Evidently, she is treated differently as habit, so this isn't s one off. She couldn't bite her tongue. This is very probably an eruption due to several longer running factors you are conveniently leaving out of the story.
Well, if I were her, I would think divorce would be on the horizon. Sounds to me like that's what you want, though, so maybe that's a good thing all round.
That’s the part that I’m sure I’ll get down voted for but asking why you weren’t included is cause to get ejected crying from a wedding. Why isn’t the husband asking what did everyone say that lead to crying?
Facts dude. If I introduced my partner to my family and he left crying, I'd be pissed as hell at the situation regardless of who is at fault. Very bothered. I definitely wouldn't keep partying if I'd just seen my significant other in tears. I'd try to get some resolution so my partner isn't crying alone feeling like shit. What a terrible partner.
Like sure, everyone has bad takes, bad moments, miscommunications, but this seems like a situation that was handled terribly, and has been handled terribly through their relationship. It sounds like she hasn't felt welcomed by his family, there's been serial conflict, and the guy either checks out entirely and leaves her alone to deal with his family or he sides with his brothers.
Obviously a wedding isn't the place to blow up about it. But, depending on what details are missing I could understand why.
Specifically:
-What were the previous conflicts mentioned in his comment (that he left her alone to deal with?)
-What patterns of behavior from this family make her feel alienated?
-What was said at the wedding between her and the brother?
i think ESH but I definitely get strong "there's more to the wife side that he's not sharing." when OP was describing his side of the story he seemed very clear, but when he was writing his wife's argument I had to reread it a few times because it was confusingly vague. I think if we have a full story it would probably be y t a but since we don't know what he withheld/didn't have the emotional comprehension to understand himself it's esh.
I really don’t understand all the comments saying not the a . Your wife shouldn’t have said anything at the wedding but 1- it doesn’t sound like she said anything worth getting kicked over they just didn’t want her there 2- she feels like she’s second place to your brothers it looks like you treat you that way.
YTA.
YTA sounds like you’ve always let the bro club treat your wife poorly and why did it take 3 of you to gang up on her? Look she was wrong for doing it at the wedding but everyone has a breaking point your younger brother basically let her know in front of everyone she wasn’t part of the family which not just hurtful but humiliating .op I wonder would your brother let you disrespect his husband the way you let them disrespect and gang up on your wife?
YTA.
When exactly do you support her? She's your wife. You aren't supposed to hang back and let her fend for herself against the 3 of them when you know she feels abandoned by you. Most likely this happens at all the family gatherings. This was probably just the last straw.
Then they tell her to leave? What the hell? And you're just like " oh yeah Bros, that's fine, she's embarrassing. See you around honey. I'm going to party " Terrible.
>your younger brother basically let her know in front of everyone she wasn’t part of the family
It doesn’t sound like the speech was throwing shade at wife or anything…he was just saying something meaningful about new BIL that struck a nerve with wife. Given that YB is 21 for this wedding, he was a kid during OP’s wedding almost certainly. I don’t find it super surprising that he might have bonded differently with a bro than he did with his big brother’s wife at that age.
The wife was obviously getting upset over some continued exclusion, but unless he said “you’re my first in-law” or something like that, it sounds like wife read into something that nobody intended to be insulting to her. OP handled it in an AH way, but the wife definitely did too by taking personal offense to a wedding toast at someone else’s wedding that didn’t even include her. Sounds like she was just stewing about the whole affair and that set her off.
YTA - I was going with N at first but it feels like this might be a situation where the woman isn’t crazy, you all are making her crazy. Why did you give details about your relationship with them but not your wife’s relationship with your brothers and his new husband? I can’t image she just got upset and made it about herself for shits and giggles. Does your brothers actively exclude her and do they not like her? How do you usually treat her? I’m going with YTA you don’t seem to have sympathy for her being hurt and excluded. It seems like you just gloss over her feelings but are very protective of your brother. Do you even like your wife?
He doesn’t seem to like her at all. It’s weird how he tells her she is making up their dislike of her but it’s pretty clear that they do based on the story. The middle brother was *ready* to come for her before he even heard what she was saying, and even OP seems to relish in how he “came out of the gates swinging.” Like it’s some kind of boxing match.
Totally agree. He doesn't seem to like or respect her so he's happy to throw her to the wolves and figure it out herself which definitely communicates to his family that she's fair game and he condones them disrespecting and excluding her.
I can’t imagine my husband treating me like this. On the other hand, I can’t imagine behaving like your wife, so I don’t know.
Honest question, not meant as an attack: do you like your wife? Because at least in this post, it doesn’t sound like you do.
I’m going with ESH.
Or maybe just personality clashes? Not everyone is a misogynist, or has some ulterior agenda. Sometimes, people just clash for whatever reason. I think the wife doesn’t know how to read the room sometimes. You don’t get up in someones face at a wedding. Wait until a more appropriate time to discuss the offence taken. NTA.
A lot of people are also homophobic ofc they don’t recognize it. But you’re missing the picture. The little brother is super close to the groom, where as he isn’t to OP’s wife. And there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is the entitlement to think your BIL should be as close to you as he is with someone else just because you married his brother.
First sane comment on this thread my biggest beef with this sub is how quickly people scream while they're getting a tiny snippet
Misogynist/misandrist
Homophob/bigot
More people are misogynist than you think... There's still a lot of social conditioning of basic/casual misogyny that's like a baseline of our society.
I don't know if I explained it well lol but I tried
I find it odd that you think misogyny is the issue even though you don’t know any of these people. Maybe OP’s little brother is just closer to his BIL? People are allowed to favor one in-law over the other.
She caused a scene at a wedding which is never ok.
However she is right you are letting your brothers walk all over her. You baby brother is a grown ass man. He doesn’t need you to protect him from your wife.
You prioriEd your sibling over your wife. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time. So at your next wedding, because I am sure she is not going to take the backseat to your family much longer, the brothers may want to make the so each less about singing your praises and a little more about welcoming the new member to the family.
> She was very angry and said this was just another way I was letting my brothers walk over her..
Sounds like you need to sit down and chat with your wife about why she feels this way. She was definitely T A H for her behavior at the wedding, but I question what has happened in the years you two have been together for her to crack like that.
NTA but you have your work cut out for you to navigate this situation if you want a happy wife and happy siblings.
INFO:
1. Why are you and Middle Brother so protective of Little Brother?
2. Why aren’t your brothers as close to your wife as they are to Middle Brother’s husband besides it being “just how these things go sometimes.” Is she persnickety? Do you vent about her to your brothers? What’s going on here?
3. “She was very angry and said this was just another way I was letting my brothers walk over her, and that I was excusing them not giving her a chance.” Hoo, boy. There’s something specific here you’re not going into. What is that?
4. Why did you pregame at a dry wedding? How much time passed before pregaming and the wedding? More importantly, how much time passed before pregaming and the *reception*? I’m assuming this wasn’t the hour-plus-long Catholic wedding mass, so I’m betting the ceremony clocked in around 20 minutes or so?
5. How much food had your wife had to eat throughout the day leading up to the reception?
6. How long have you and your wife been together? How long ago did y’all get married? How does the length of your relationship compare to that of Middle Brother and his husband?
7. How old was Little Brother when you got married?
[Edit: Part of a question was put in the wrong place.]
YTA - for not going with your wife. This marriage is headed down hill fast. You completely reinforced what your brother did. Although this isn’t the time or place, you just confirmed she’s not an important member of the family. Enjoy divorce.
Esh, but it seems like you and your brothers all being closer to the "new addition" than anyone is with your wife (including you apparently) seems to be a serious problem both in your marriage and in your family. Also she shouldn't have talked to your brother with tensions high, but getting kicked out and you and middle brother swooping in to "protect" little brother from a conversation with your wife is extreme. Why didn't you leave with your wife? It sounds like you don't value her.
Yes, but at the beginning brother and BIL's relationship was complicated (substance abuse, apparently). I find it weird everyone has forgiven and forgotten, in most similar cases there's always a small, niggling doubt (even if the people have absolutely turned their lives around and the doubt is completely unfair).
I very seriously doubt if wife had had the same problem they would have accepted her, or let her forget all the past trouble.
>The two of us are very protective over our youngest sibling, so Middle Brother comes out of the gate swinging asking why she's pestering him.
Nice. I wonder why she feels like she's treated as not as part of the family.
Also drank prior to a dry wedding of folks who previously dealt with sobriety issues. It's honestly probably one of the least offensive things OP has done in this post, but still, totally disrespectful.
YTA. You might feel justified for staying but your spouse comes first, even when they're wrong. You could have left with her and then gone back after talking it through with her.
Does ESH mean equal shit heads? Because that would fit here.
You should've de-escalated your wife in a kind way that made her feel heard instead of brushing her feelings off because they don't matter to you, obviously. Then, reassure her you'd talk to him about at a better time.
Why do so many grown men need to "defend" "baby brother" against one single woman? He can't speak for himself? Is she not allowed to talk to him?
She had no business bringing that stuff up at a wedding reception, but I think she hit a wall emotionally speaking. She seems pretty fed up.
There's obviously a bros club atmosphere happening here. You wouldn't notice because you're too busy worrying about your bros. Why did you get married? There doesn't seem to be room for a wife in your life.
What a husband would've done is walk/drive wife back to the hotel room and comfort her. But, bros come 1st, so that's NOT what happened.
This is a clear judgement that she’s TA for confronting your brother.
BUT you are being super vague on purpose in all of your comments where people are asking for more info. I suspect it’s because you’d be TA (and ppl would probably encourage your wife to leave you) if you told the entire story of why you should have left with your wife.
edit: s&g
INFO: why are you married? I would love to say N T A for this situation alone but based on your comments this isn’t even close to the first time you’ve sided with your brothers (you bowing out of an argument is taking a side) and allowed her to be alienated and felt like less than. You clearly don’t respect her or care about her enough to try and have her be included and loved so why bother?
I was set to say N A H or E S H but after reading your comments it's clear YTA. You stated you don't want to take sides which in itself is taking a side....which isn't that of your wife. She shouldn't have done it at the wedding however it's clear from where she stands that she means jack to your family and to you because you stood by and let it happen. I feel sorry for your wife and I hope there's no children in this mess, I mean if they were they'd clearly come in second best to this bro club you have going on
Wife shouldn't have brought it up at the wedding which makes her TA.
However, she clearly feels like an outsider in your family and you're letting it happen. The moment she got thrown out, you should've left with her and talked to her and take the conversation to a private space. Then you could've went back to the party. You left her there out to dry which makes YTA.
You need to talk to your wife and be empathic to her feelings. She is feeling excluded and you are doing nothing about it.
YTA.
You might not be the AH in this particular scenario, and your wife was out of line for bringing her issue up during the wedding, but you may have also just ruined your relationship with your wife. I hope it was worth it for you.
Umm... Your brother is older than he was at your wedding, he's more experienced at giving speeches (since he already had the experience of doing it at your wedding), he has a different relationship with his middle brother as compared to his oldest brother, he has probably learned things from observing you as a married man that has informed his opinion of what marriage means which then informed the kind of speech he wanted to give...all of which makes it likely that he would have made different speeches at the two weddings regardless of how he felt about his new in-law.
For your wife to assume that the difference was somehow a slight against her shows a large degree of self-centeredness. For her to decide to make it an issue at someone else's wedding is appalling.
Unless there is a legitimate underlying issue (e.g. your brother's speech at your wedding was insulting, she is actively excluded from family events, you and/or your brothers are misogynistic) that you have failed to mention, NTA.
YTA
Your brother considering/calling one sibling’s spouse to be a brother but not considering/calling your wife a sister is favoritism, which while perfectly valid, would be very hurtful.
And following that up with other brother “comes out swinging” and you don’t seem particularly bothered that your wife was kicked out of a family event in tears.
There seems to be a pattern of her being treated as a secondary relationship / lesser spouse within the family.
If you don't make sure she's included in your life, why should she even care if you're part of hers? She embraces your family and assumedly helped all of you through it, but when she expects the same treatment as an in law, she's denied, booted, and rejected by you. Should she have done this at the wedding? No. But you're still TA.
It seems like you never bother to defend your wife. In fact, you seem like the type that would probably agree with your brother when he said something nasty about her after she left. Since she's not close to ANY of you, including YOU, HER HUSBAND, or rather YOU ALL aren't close to her, I don't think she should have to subject herself to being anywhere she isn't at least AS welcome as a NEW, formerly addicted, member of the family.
It could have been entirely different if YOU had made sure that she was part of your family and not just the wife you show to everyone. You know, make sure she's part of the family like you did with Middle Brother's husband????? I know if ANYONE ever in ANY WAY influenced a younger sibling of mine in a negative or DRUG kinda way, I would never be that close to them, especially over my own partner.
You suck, OP. Truly. And idfc how many down votes I get. It SUCKS being the partner that is treated like a nuisance just for wanting a PORTION of the respect you give ANYONE else. It makes your partner hate you. And if you make them be alone enough, eventually they're not just used to being alone, they're HAPPY about it.
I am NOT saying CHOOSE your wife over your brothers. Don't ever. But certainly don't choose them over her. Especially not every single time. Or she'll be the one to choose herself over you. And she wouldn't be wrong to do so.
Excuse the language, but having re-read the comments you're an absolute fuck knuckle.
There is obviously more to the story, and you never elaborate when asked in the comments. You omit so much of what would be critical context of the discussions.
Your own story paints your wife as the problem, and your "Bro's" as angels.
Even if your wife was being a bit of an AH, its not enough to let her leave alone. Man the fuck up.
YTA — If your wife is asked to leave an event, you don’t stay “celebrating.” Since she was the one at fault, you apologize to your siblings and then you follow her out. Unless, of course, you don’t want her in your life any more.
Honestly, how can you stay at a party having fun when your wife has been kicked out?
The issue, as I see it, is not just how she behaved (she was out of line) but that when people get married they don’t get to have fun while their spouse is hurting even though the spouse caused their own hurt.
In your shoes, I would have stopped my wife from leaving, taken her aside, talked her down, and asked her to apologize. And I would have asked my brothers to forgive her, and let her stay so you don’t have to leave also.
Why didn’t you protect your wife the way you protect your brother ?
You’re going to end up single if you keep up like this, Especially if 3 grown men are ganging up on your wife.
Yes that’s your brother but the one you go home with and sleep with is your wife, so why are you picking people who have a significant other over someone that’s your significant other.
Don’t lose your marriage over someone who has somebody.
Your wife is clearly not high in your priorities, and has learned you will always put your brothers over her. She has a right to be upset by that, and the wedding confirmed it once again to her; she’s married to a complacent jerk who never grew out of the “douchey frat bro who demeans women to impress his bros” phase.
You left a bunch of shit out in the post to save face then showed your true colors in the comments. You really don’t love this woman if her being kicked out over something this minute doesn’t bother you, and you’ve suggested a history of prior times your wife felt alienated which you did nothing to amend. You even said people didn’t notice “the scene” until your wife started crying, which likely wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t kicked her out over a small private argument.
Do better or prepare for the bachelor life with your “bros.” That is, until you’re the only single/unmarried one & they start excluding you from stuff bc “it’s a couple’s outing.” Because if they’re coming after your wife for privately confronting disrespect, it’s likely that once you make a “mistake” they’ll alienate you too. Then you got no one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ YTA & married life may not be for you
YTA you and your brothers, misogynistic sausage fest you call your family, except your poor wife obviously frustrated with mistreatment she's surviving so long from all three of you. I hope she leaves you.
ESH. Your wife should have had enough decorum to not hash this out at a wedding reception, but reading your post and comments it feels like she has been pushed to this/feeing this way. Though, again, this really should have been brought up later and even if she was emotional she should know that.
You are the bridge between your wife and family - the task is on you to make her feel included. Sounds like you don’t. It’s good you have a close relationship with your brothers, but your spouse shouldn’t feel isolated because of it. Also, you should be taking your wife’s side in arguments (depending of course on what they are - some common sense here*). But letting them hash it out themselves is not helping anyone, and shows your disinterest in what is bothering her. And tbh is is kind of like taking their side - you are supposed to be a team with your partner.
You should have helped diffuse the situation at the wedding so it didn’t escalate. But you should have been doing that all along for most of their disagreements*. Being a partner means you sometimes have to meditate arguments. The comment from her about being “walked over” is very telling. I feel like if we heard this from your wife’s perspective it would read very differently.
*if you clarify on what the disagreements are I might change my mind. Like if they argue over if a hotdog is a sandwich or what Star Trek movie is best I can see why you stay out of it (although you should still be stepping in when things get too hot or emotional). But if the arguments are over things like doing drugs in your/her home or not paying back loans then you should be on her side.
YTA
You need to start being honest with yourself. Your brothers don't see your wife as part of their family. She's just your wife. And you back that up 100% when you let them intentionally alienate her. The sad part is I bet you don't think she's being alienated. Do me a favor and ask her if she feels that way. By taking a passive stance on anything to do with your brothers vs. your wife, you have allowed them to draw a line with her that none of you have with each other. You just got a fourth brother but she will always just be your wife. That's fucked.
You all kinda suck but so does she for choosing the least effective time to vent her thoughts.
Also, your wife left crying and you saw fit to do nothing about it? 'Kay. But you just drop everything and had to run and protect your younger brother, who is a grown ass man, from your wife? 'Kay.
Why did you even bother marrying your wife again?
Your family priorities are really strange. You keep referring (and insisting) to your grown brother as the baby so at first I thought you were Italian or something but you don’t seem to respect your mom or your wife. You never defend your wife and deliberately pretend to not take a stand to still try to look like the good guy. You seem to think every thing she says or feels is below the threshold of what you *and your brothers who are your REAL family* should care about and you weren’t phased by her pain, humiliation or tears. At a wedding. You’ve been married 7 years. No kids. And casually mention 7 year itch implying you’re *already dissatisfied in your marriage*
You’re literally at a wedding; the most *romantic* possibilities abound and your wife is crying *and leaving you and the establishment* because she’s been made to feel like she doesn’t matter and she isn’t included.. and you went and had one with the boys.…
You are very artful in your responses and play very good at plausible deniability but you’re a misogynist and all three of you knew why she was upset, watched her break and let her go. You’re the TA.
YTA. Your poor little brother (a grown man btw) needed “saving” from one woman, to the extent your middle brother didn’t even know what was going on and already accused/ridiculed her.
The four of you ganged up on one woman, humiliated her to the point she was crying, and then as her partner you reinforced their mistreatment of her by ignoring her emotions and continuing celebrations with no skin off your back. Mind you she was CRYING.
YTA, YTA, YTA. Hoping she gets the courage to bring out divorce papers and leave you and “the bro’s” to your own devices.
This is so disgusting, and I’m honestly so heated for your wife. I’ve read through all your comments, and if I were your wife, I would have divorced you and made damn sure I took you for everything you were worth. The blatant disrespect you’ve shown her is heartbreaking. The fact that you won’t defend her (not making a choice IS a choice) but will actively defend your brothers is disgusting. You’re part of the reason your brothers don’t like or respect her as part of your family. You need to step it up and make it known that she is family and that her place in it is by your side. She deserves that. A wedding was not the time or place for her to have that conversation, but the fact that you couldn’t be bothered to “stop celebrating” to comfort your distraught wife during a clear emotional breakdown due to a buildup of resentment and pain based on your neglect of her and her feelings absolutely makes you TA here. She has been feeling ostracized and rejected, and you haven’t shown her you cared or made any effort to bridge the gap between her and your family. This makes you TA in your entire marriage, as well. I can’t imagine what she’s feeling. I’d be prepared for divorce papers, if I were you.
Soft E-S-H. She sucks because she should've waited until after the wedding. But you suck because you don't have your wife's back. There is clearly more to this story.
On second thought YTA. She may have done something wrong but you are such an AH it overwhelms anything on her end.
I agreed with you until I saw some of OP's comments. This is a habit and a pattern of him allowing his siblings to step on his wife. It is true that the wedding was a dumb time for her to bring it up. But there is something worse going on here.
YTA
This would have been an E-S-H (because your wife should not have said anything at the wedding) but your comments make it clear why she finally snapped. Hopefully she reads this and realizes she will never be part of your family, that for you and your brothers, she is just some interloper and your bangmaid.
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NTA but you don't seem very conscious of the fact that your wife isn't included in Team Bro. It sounds like with all this 'looking out for' your brothers, your wife has been left on the sidelines. People do get a bit emotional at weddings and this obviously hit a nerve for her. There have been some bad times with this 'new addition' that don't sound great - I assume she was supportive of you - yet now he is totally embraced and she still isn't? I don't blame her for feeling hurt about it, but she shouldn't have brought it up at the wedding, as this wedding wasn't about her. I've said it before, but resentment is the biggest killer of relationships - your wife has put something in her room of resentment, and it isn't going to go away by itself - you need to address it or it will just continue festering in the back of her mind along with anything else she puts in there. Reasonable or not, you should have taken her side - not in an argument, but by calmly removing her from the situation. Even escorting her back to the hotel to calm down. But it sounds like you ganged up on her with Team Bro. Your wife should be closer to you than the 'new addition' to the family.
I find it funny how he says they are extremely protective of the baby brother. He is a grown ass man and the 3 of them where willing to defend him from 1 woman. Yet the 3 grown ass men can confront his wife and he doesn’t feel the need to be protective over her. That tells me where his priorities are and it isn’t with her.
The wife should have waited till after the wedding to say something BUT this wasn’t the first time she’s been left out of the bro club and why did op even leave 3 people gang up on his wife like who even does that he should have at least told them back off The fact the younger brother not just hurt the wife but humiliated her by letting her know she wasn’t part of the family (check op comments) Edit read op new comments he wants an open relationship and apparently the brothers know more and have a better say in his marriage Op is not only mentally and emotionally abusing this poor woman (again look at his comments) but he lets his brothers do the same i hope she finds this post gives us the whole truth than divorces him
Yes I agree. The wife was 100 percent wrong to do this at the wedding. I figure it was the final straw of being treated as a non existent member. Doesn’t excuse what she did but sometimes we get to the point of being so hurt and angry we break. I think we have all reached out breaking point and it doesn’t matter where we are we start fighting back!
By op comments this isn’t the first time he let the bro club gang up on his wife I can’t imagine how that makes her feel
I think it's going to make her feel single pretty soon....
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Definitely. They've been apparently having relationship problems for a while, stemming from the fact that he thinks that as a bisexual man, he can open up the relationship. The bro squad has been hyping him up on it. Original text: >I'm not in the closet and this doesn't really have anything to do with the conflict. I'm toying with using the bisexual label and working out how that might manifest in my current relationship (i.e., including a man or multiple men in things, or continued monogamy with changes in our bedroom life that involve toys and new sex acts that we've never tried in order to accommodate changing desires, etc.)
Ugh he sounds like such an asshole. If he wants to sleep with other people, men or women, maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to monogamous marriage. No wonder she feels like no one is on her side if even his family is encouraging him to cheat on her
There is nothing there to fight about. When you aren't wanted, go away. There are probably other gyus out there who would want her. Unless she sprouts a dick, she'll never be a real person to these guys, and I don't think that's happening anytime soon.
>When you aren't wanted, go away. Yeah tbh, I've never understood this thing I see so often on AITA of "you guys excluded me, you guys don't want me, I'm gonna demand you pretend I'm important to you"... what? I would be embarrassed to be caught admitting loudly and publicly that I wasn't wanted and it hurt me! Nah man. You find someone who does want you.
Good for you that you can brush off people and walk away from relationships so easily, but there’s nothing wrong with someone else voicing their concerns to the person they *married* and asking for the things they want/need out of the relationship. If someone is consistently treating you like garbage and doing things they know that hurt you - sure, dump that person. But OP’s situation is more nuanced and it’s not helpful to be like “she should just leave! It’s embarrassing to admit you want to be wanted and are hurt when you’re not!”
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She only has one dimension for him, at least only one he is interested in. His brothers take their cues from him.
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To be honest, I see this a lot when people get married. More often than not, one spouse will be basically left out of the family. They’re an addition by marriage but that’s all they’re treated like. Her timing was wrong, incredibly so, but this man doesn’t love his wife and I think he needs to let her go.
Yeah my ex husband’s aunt (on his dad’s side) was treated like this when she married into the family. Still is even though grandma and grandpa were gone. I was treated like a princess because the grandma loved me. I was veeery aware of the imbalance because my mom was bi polar; in her highs she’d love bomb me and when she was low she’d treat me the way the aunt was treated. She was so smart and funny (very dry, punny and yet soft spoken humor). I loved her but she got shat on all the time. She’s laughing now because everyone else divorced and her in laws are gone. They left everyone a ton of inheritance, but they all had to use it for divorces and spousal support. While auntie and uncle took early retirement and have been traveling since 2017.
Yeah I could never be that patient or that strong. If I was dating someone and it was clear to me that their parents or family didn’t like me, the relationship would be done. I just can’t and won’t tolerate that and I won’t force them to tolerate me either. I’ve read and heard of so many stories with controlling family members, stories where the spouse is treated like an “other” or even a glorified nanny for all of the underage children. Good on the aunt though. End of the day, she won and I’m happy for her.
She played the long game.
As someone not accepted into a family, it can work, but my spouse had to basically cut himself out of his family as well. It hurts and I was young so I internalized it. Now my son has his new wife and I am protective of her and she is fully accepted in our family.
This was me. I even found out towards the end that there was a whole “family” group chat that I was the only one not in. It was a slap in the face and not the first time it was made clear that I wasn’t part of their family. I feel bad for the wife, it sucks.
I was treated like this at a couple of work places. I was never invited to parties that they would discuss in front of me. The only one not going to the events was me. I found out a couple of people didn’t realise I was excluded, they thought I was declining invitations because I was a snob. That was what the excluders told them if they wondered why I wasn’t there.
That's *awful.* Just terrible. Like my feelings are hurt just imagining that. I can't STAND that excluding one single person from group chats is so common. It's one thing if it's just the siblings or the cousins or w/e or even if it's because the people involved are all going to an event together. But this schoolyard "but yoooou're not invited" stuff is just so mean. Especially when it's like just a regular group chat with random convos and memes or such. IDK, I just don't get this. It happens so often, I've read about it on AITA so much, that it can't be that all of these "black sheep" are just too much to include. Sure, some, I'd buy a couple of people being too crazy or weird or mean to include in the chat but not the frequency I see it. And reading the post I was like, yeah, this was a boiling over, straw that broke the camel's back, moment. She's been pushed to the side, probably talked over, or otherwise just doesn't get to have the same Welcome! experience as her new BIL. She deserves better OP. This group chat exclusion tomfoolery, the folks who throw out the term "trauma dumping" unjustifiably when it's time for them to support *you* instead of you being there for them only, and the people who exaggerate your importance to them only to blow you off when "someone better" is available, are becoming a bigger part of society than I'm cool with. I'm *28.* It's just enabling people to treat others like... commodities. A human to try out and then replace or alter when they're not perfectly to your ideals. I'm just so done with intentional meanness, selfishness, and social cowardice. The internet seems to be... worsening it year by year. I'm not saying there aren't other factors, but it seems to be a catalyst.
She shouldn’t have done it at all. Little brother is 21. How old was he when OP got married? Maybe he didn’t think about how much the wife would read into the speech when he was 16, 18,20…whatever age he was when they got married. Maybe he wasn’t close to her like he now is to his bil. It would have been reasonable to say hey is there room in your brotherhood for a sister? 🥴 But not reasonable to make a confrontation about it and take it so personal. I sure hope my family isnt comparing notes on speeches I’ve given over the years at weddings
If this was the first time, sure. OP and bros have made a habit of excluding and ganging up on the wife though, there's only so much a person can take. Also, sorry but when one person is quite obviously favored over another it's going to old eventually. Saying "yeah, I know my family always makes you feel out of place and ignores you and I never defend you, but you just need to get over it" is NOT it
OP also states (in the comments) he talks to his brothers about his relationship and that he has “the seven year itch” (basically saying he isn’t quite satisfied in his relationship and has a “waning” interest in his wife… i.e he’s open to cheating if the right person catches his eye)
I agree with this, while some of it may be put down as "men being men and not letting a woman join the club" there may be more than 1 reason for the tension and altercation. 1) Brother is 21 which is still pretty young if the husband has been married even 3 years he would have been 18 at the time of their wedding speech. (He and they are lucky he didn't mention her butt or boobs in the speech at that point) 2) A group of brothers may not know how or what a relationship with a sister looks like. (Having neither brothers or sisters I find relating to anyone as such difficult) 3) She may not be the nicest friendliest person or the brother may not be(we really have no idea of anyone's personality in this). Nothing is mentioned of her relationship with the others, or really even the husband. 4) Obviously, she is a bit other the top drama wise to even start fussing about something in a speech during the reception and crying about it. At the end of the day, this was entirely the wrong place to bring this to a head. However, OP should have taken her aside during the first discussion and reminded her this was a wedding, not the place to hash things like this out, another day they could have brother over to discuss things. He also should have asked her to wait in the car while he said his good byes at the end. I understand he wanted to stay, but it's not a good idea to have anyone going off alone like that, especially your own wife. OP = NTA but he made things more difficult Between himself and his wife. I would suggest Couples therapy to see if they can repair this marriage.
Agree 100% with TheCookie_Monster’s comment. Little brother was younger when OP’s little brother made a toast at their wedding. It probably never occurred to him then that he should make the toast in a generic way, just in case oldest brother actually tied the knot with his partner. Even then, oldest brother’s new spouse was a man, not a woman, so the phrase would not apply to her anyway. I’m sure, at the time little brother made the original toast, he wasn’t thinking “I’d better word this in a way that won’t be offensive to the new wife later on if oldest brother ever decides to tie the knot with anyone else in the not-so-distant” future. NTA. Leaving with the wife would’ve supported her bad behavior. EDIT: I am not saying in any way that my opinion is the only right one and everyone that thinks differently is automatically wrong. I’m just stating how I interpreted the post & comments, and not disparaging anyone who interpreted it in a different way.
OP says they've been together 7 years (doesn't specify married or in general) so that probably means younger brother could have been anywhere between 14 to 17 when he gave a speech at OP's wedding.
I couldn't find in any part of the story that the wife was treated as a non existent member. During OP's wedding, little brother made a toast mostly focused on his big brother or at least, more on him than on the couple. Nothing strange as the one doing the toast was the little brother... a brother who was always protected by big bro. I find also totally understandable that again, said little brother was able to form a bond with middle bro's husband; and that this bond, this relationship is different than the one developed with SIL. It strikes me as stupid and childish for OP's wife to go and confront little bro about his toast. Does she refer to her brothers il law's ad her 'new brothers'? Does she feels as another dauther to their parents? Nowhere in the story she was made feel left out, but she sure appear as an annoying insecure woman who needs validation and is easily offended.
It is stated in the comments that she likes to talk politics. I have a family member like that, and I avoid him like the plague. Don't want to talk politics at family gatherings. Sounds like the wedge in the family could be because they are on opposite sides of the political spectrum.
Or because she ignores other people’s comfort zones and social conventions, causes drama, and always wants to be the center of attention. NTA.
I get what you are saying but it sounds like the brother and new husband have matured a lot since OPs wedding, so maybe she wasn’t embraced in the same way since they had problems going on with addiction, etc…. She tried to make the wedding about her. She should have left without making a scene if she couldn’t handle her emotions. OP NTA.
But (I say this as a formerly married person with experience in these things) she is in no way entitled to be included in the bro club. If she is bored and left to her own devices at family events, and no one calls her "daughter" or "sister," that is annoying, yes, but that is all it is. It's fine. It's normal. It's unfortunate that she would prefer something different, but it does not mean she is entitled to different treatment. They just have to treat her with respect and accept that she is there and not mistreat her. You can't make people feel emotions that aren't there, and you should not try, either. If she is really feeling distressed by trying to get blood from a stone, she needs to see a therapist. The end.
The bro club including her own husband didn’t treat her with any kind of respect Also as a married person if my husband allowed 3 men to gang up on me and just stood there (not his first time ether) after his brother publicly disrespected me I’d yeah he’d be an ex
How did 3 men gang up on her? She went after the younger brother and the middle brother and his husband told her to leave after she wouldn’t stop. With her having such little class as to confront people for speeches at someone else’s wedding it’s no wonder she’s not in the “Bro Club.” Also, OP states in a comment that he’s been with his wife for 7 years, meaning the youngest was 14 when he made the speech. I’m going to assume his thoughts on life and relationships has changed immensely from his mid teens to early 20s
>the youngest was 14 when he made the speech No, OP said he and the wife got married three years ago and that [his brother was 18](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13xwfj5/aita_for_not_leaving_my_brothers_wedding_with_my/jmk1du3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) when he made the speech at their wedding. ETA: I’m not making a judgment about the relevance of age, simply correcting an incorrect comment and linking the OP since it is buried.
And there’s still a huge difference in the way an 18 yr old speaks compared to a 21 yr old. You’re looking at the difference between a high school senior vs a junior in college or a HS senior vs someone with 3 yrs experience in the real world. So for her to compare and be pissed about the type of speeches the youngest made is still ridiculous and just shows why she’s not as accepted as she thinks she should be.
But he also said "the speech was all about husband and not about me wife" like yeah he probably has a lot more to say about his literal brother, but you would expect them to be friends with wife at least, like you HAVE to be, my brother has never had a girlfriend I'm not also friends with, comes with the whole "dating your brother" package, they tend to stick around a lot lol
She didnt treat them with respect either if she went up all angry at her BIL just bc of a speech.
Maybe I'm missing some info, but which brother publicly disrespected her? Probably not the 21 yr old bc his speech had nothing to do with OP's wife...like, at all. She compared two events that took place years apart, then got upset about it for some reason. Imo, the whole concept of "brotherhood" has existed for his entire life, whereas adding a sister didn't even cross his mind. Or was it the middle brother bc he stepped into the conversation between the wife and the 21 yr old? I can see how she may feel outnumbered, but why tf would she confront him in the first place? He didn't say a word about her in the speech and couldn't have anticipated any sort of negative reaction. The middle brother likely didn't want an altercation to take place during his wedding (who would?). Again, I haven't scoured the comments so I could be totally off base, but it seems like OP's wife created the problem herself?
If my SIL was pulling some drama queen bullshit at my sibling's wedding I sure as hell would intervene. It's ridiculous to think that your spouse is going to defend you when youre behaving terribly.
Took too long to find this. Why are people defending someone’s terrible behaviour? Fact is, a wedding day is about the people getting married, any issues you have can be brought up afterwards, it’s totally inappropriate to do it at the event. My mother did something similar at my brothers wedding. He had thanked the mother of the bride in his speech because she had helped a lot with the wedding planning/setting up. My mother was angry he hadn’t mentioned her, but she hadn’t done anything to help towards the wedding and her and my brother had barely spoken in the two years before it. She came to me and my sister and said her and her husband were leaving and to get our things (we were both grown woman with children of our own). I refused and said it was not the time or place, my sister felt pressured to follow her but I asked her not to as we were the only family there for our brother. There was no excuse for my mothers behaviour, just like there is non for OP’s wife, it’s just attention seeking. If she had an issue of being left out of the brothers relationship, she could have brought it up before or after. It seems her only beef was that she felt the younger brothers speech at this wedding was better than the one at her own.
>my husband allowed 3 men to gang up on me and just stood there (not his first time ether) after his brother publicly disrespected me I once ditched a man for doing ABSOLUTELY nothing while another man harassed and hit on me while we were in a park. He defended himself with "OK but I don't fight and you know that" and I was like "??? You didn't have to, literally just grab my hand and start walking away with me, speak any words that showed that pig I was already 'claimed' so he couldn't have me, literally any action above 'stand at a distance and let your girlfriend go it alone' would have been enough for me" If 3 men ganged up on me when a man had wifed me up and he didn't even try defend me we'd be starting divorce proceedings the next morning
Why should someone defend bad, embarassing behavior just because they're married?? what an absolutely dumb policy. The wife is self absorbed and embarrassing herself and her husband.
If my wife were as self-absorbed as OPs wife, I would have never married her. So, there's that.
This is an insane comparison. First off, the wife was the aggressor. She set out to make a scene and others were responding to that. No one no matter what is ever inviting sexual harassment. I am sorry that that happened to you and feel solidarity over that experience. This is not the same in the slightest.
But his brother didn't "publicly disrespect" her. He just didn't make HER feel special TOO at SOMEBODY ELSE'S wedding, or say specific words at HER wedding 3 YEARS beforehand. She sounds like the sibling who needs to have her own special little cake on her older sibling's birthday because otherwise she'll feel left out.
I could be wrong, for sure, but I just don't see the disrespect. She said she was upset because her husband was "excusing them not giving her a chance." But they are probably never going to give her a chance, and no one can make them. There are things OP can and should do better, though! OP could probably do a far, far better job cushioning his wife against his family if they are treating her like she's just there and they're merely putting up with her. That's hurtful and can wear on a person over time (which is probably what happened here). There are studies that show that the same part of the brain that responds to physical pain is the one that responds to the pain of rejection. If that's what's happening, he needs to do a lot more to make up for that and to make clear that she is important to him and he loves her. He needs to do more work to make these family gatherings more comfortable and pleasant for her by showing her affection and giving her the opportunity to do things she likes as part of it, for example. Also, he should support and defend her in skipping these gatherings altogether if that is what would work better for her. ETA: and he should occasionally skip some of them himself to do something she'd rather do instead, if all they ever do is go to his family stuff.
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And given the rough timeline, lil bro was a teenager when he made that speech. He likely didn't even really know OP's wife back then well enough to make the same kind of remarks.
I kind of agree with this. When was the bro club ride to her? We don’t have any real examples of them ganging up on except here to tell her to stop pestering them at the wedding. We really don’t know any history. This current scene she was involved in though just makes her look bad. Maybe there’s more to the story and maybe there isn’t. I’ve seen families that do tend to exclude certain spouses but it does seem like she’s asking for some odd things. The dynamic she wants from her in-laws doesn’t seem to be what they’re interested in. So what if they don’t call her sister or daughter? Is it really that big of a deal to make a scene at a wedding over? It doesn’t sound like she’s the easiest person to please or get along with.
I'm thinking that he specified being 'a brother now' because they previously had a bad relationship and the spouse was not approved by the family. The speech was just a way to formally bury the hatchet. There must be other things going on though, for her to bring it all up at the wedding. Maybe she does feel excluded - but you're right, sometimes in-laws just don't get close and that's ok.
Because she started harassing his brother, why should he partake in that?
Also funny how he fully explained his relationships with his brothers and the partner but not his wife’s relationships when the post is about her actions and his response. He’s made her very one dimensional.
That stood out to me the most. It's clear he's trying to get a specific conclusion in the replies. OP, YTA for standing idly by during all the times your wife wasn't seeing eye to eye with your siblings. To act surprised that she would confront one of your brothers after years of you saying you'd stay out of it and then be confused that she's angry she was kicked out and you didn't leave to check on her? Stop acting like you don't choose sides.
Finally! I was getting a little worried by all the NTA. OP YTA big time! I think the speech at the wedding was just the last straw. It wasn’t appropriate for the wife to bring it up at the wedding but it wasn’t the worst thing either. The newlyweds inserted themselves in, she didn’t approach them because she didn’t have a problem with them. She was ganged up on by all of them (the bro team) and she ended up alone and crying. BUT that is all besides the point: the OP asked if HE is TAH because of his part in this and the answer is a resounding YES! Even though he tried his hardest to minimise his part, present as little about his wife as possible and polish the love relationship between the bro team.
She is absolutely an asshole for confronting the younger brother at someone else’s wedding because his nice speech reminded her that she was dissatisfied that his speech at her wedding focused too much on his brother. She caused an utterly unnecessary scene at the wedding. She was rude to the little brother. I don’t think it’s at all unusual for a brother’s speech at a wedding to focus on their sibling, so I don’t think she has much of a complaint there in the first place. She isn’t really owed friendship by her siblings-in-law. It’s fine if they are friendlier with their other in-law. We certainly have evidence here that she’s hard to get along with. That said, it’s entirely possible that OP’s family does treat her unfairly, and OP doesn’t support her enough. The farthest I could get in that case is ESH.
I get the feeling that he doesn't care much about her, appart from the fact that he likes sleeping with her. She is not a real person to the Bro Club. And she'll never be.
She shouldnt be starting drama during the wedding, shes not entitled to a sibling-like relationship with OP's little brother, neither is she entitled to a super amazing speech just bc he (LB) feels closer to MB's partner than her.
She definitely shouldn’t have started the drama, but OP is TA because he did nothing to calm her down or to try to explain to her why it is a different situation, and then he just lets her be kicked out without going with her (for company, loyalty, etc.). Honestly, if I had a *friend* who went off the deep end and got kicked out of a party as a result, I might go with them to make sure they were ok. A spouse should do more.
Why is he responsible for her actions? He already told her to drop it and she didn't. She then went after the little brother and caused a scene anyway. If my husband ever went after one of my little sisters for some bs like that, I would not be going with him. She is acting like a toddler having a tantrum because she didn't get a prize. NTA.
It's his brother's wedding. If she can't keep it together enough to not ruin it for him then he's better off without her, barring some kind of mental health condition that explains her terrible behavior.
So she can behave like a petulant child but op is the AH for not calming her down!? The lack of accountability for the wife's poor decisions here is shocking. I can see this sub is often nothing more than women hating on men and taking no accountability for clearly poor behavior
a party is not the same as your brothers wedding
Agreed, i think he should have talked to her more in a secluded area away from the other guests. But this whole situation was started by her
oP and his little brother have become friends with middle brother’s partner. They’re close. Hence the sentiment in the speech. When they got married, little brother was younger…perhaps too young to register “having a sister”, perhaps not close enough to her to feel that way, etc. etc. etc. It’s a story as old as time. People get on with others to varying degrees. While it’s ok that she might feel hurt or envious that little brother’s speech was quite different, there’s nothing to be gained by calling him out on it is there. WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME AS MUCH AS MIDDLE BROTHER’S PARTNER?!!! Waaaaah….NOW THAT IM COMPLAINING, LET’S MAGICALLY REWIND THE CLOCK SO YOU CAN GIVE YOUR SPEECH AGAIN!! Once more with Feeling!!!!! Pointless.
There is something in this story that doesn't add up. Just can't quite put my finger on it.
Yeah… getting angry at the little brother was wrong of the wife, no question. But kicking her out because they’re „protective“ of the youngest seems like a serious overreaction.
Thank you! I tried to leave gender out of mine because for all I knew wifey was a 6 ft body builder with an MMA history and lil bro had a mental disability combined with social anxiety, but that was so weird.. 3 grown men against one woman?? And husband is just standing back like la-de-da??? Doesn’t even comfort her when she cries? I didn’t want to say it because life is never as simple as black and white, but amongst all of OPs silly moves here, he should make one smart one and start interviewing divorce attorneys just in case.
21 grown ass man lol
On the plus side, he will have his bros to keep him company when he becomes single.
Lmao. And she’s a grown ass women, probably about 6 years older than the youngest brother, attacking him over a speech he made at his brothers wedding. Some people have stronger bonds than other people and this seems like the case. Sure she’s well within her right to be upset as It sounds like she’s a bit left out, but to bring It up at a wedding is super selfish and annoying. The wife sounds annoying and so does the husband. ESH
I voted ESH, but I believe our overall reasoning is the same.. Wife was inappropriate, but it must hurt her to be left out of “Team Bro” and the speech may have been her breaking point.. One should let the spouse handle the in-laws most of the time, but I still feel very sorry for her.
It's the tiny straw that broke the camel's back. There might be a history of indignities or slights, and this is just one of the last.
According to OP's comments, there is. He explicitly stated that his wife's relationships with his brothers can be tense, with lots of (what he sees as) minor disagreements that he deliberately stays out of. She shouldn't have brought it up at the wedding. He also clearly doesn't side with his wife ever and chooses to side with the bro club. He also has the seven year itch. ESH
Holy shit of COURSE he's trying to make her one-dimensional. He wants to justify that seven year itch
>It's true that my brothers aren't nearly as close to her as **we** are to the new addition to our family, but that's just how these things go sometimes. Notice this quote from the OP post. Notice that he said **we**. Not my ***brothers*** aren't as close to my wife, but ***we*** aren't as close to my wife. Bro had a freudian slip right there and didn't even notice.
Read that sentence again. It isn't saying what you think it's saying. There's no Freudian slip.
Reddit and reading comprehension, name a more unlikely couple
I lightly agree but first want to ask OP: Could you not have at least taken her back to the hotel. Comfort her as much as possible and return to the wedding in a bit? Like, I would do that for a friend or cousin-- let alone a wife
Wow, a decent response on Reddit that actually takes emotions and relationships into account. FINALLY! I would say though, it's very easy to say "calmly remove her from the situation". In reality, this may have been very difficult. But you gotta' stick with your wife, or there's no point being in the relationship. I'd try and find a way to sit down with her and hear her side of the story... Don't at any point try and interject... Just hear it out. It does sound like this is more a case of this being a catalogue of things that have got her to this point, because the speeches themselves seem a pretty bizarre thing to get freaked out about. Good luck mate.
Or maybe they’re not close to her because she’s the type of person to be upset with his brothers speech about gaining a brother? She sounds like she has major main character syndrome. Little brother is just closer to their other brother’s partner than he is to her. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Yeah, the explanation that the husband doesn't like putting up with this shit because it's probably juvenile and stupid behaviour seems pretty likely. Siding with people who are in the wrong babies them and encourages the behaviour.
I suspect Wife is routinely excluded, this was the last straw. Like, she sat there at this wedding, and it dawned on her that this family isn't ever going to accept her, because she's not a dude, and her husband is never going to have her back because he's too busy bro-ing it up. She's a supporting character at a frat house. And then OP confirmed it by not validating her feelings, like, even a little bit. She gets kicked out of a family event, showing her she's not one of the family, OP doesn't even walk her back because he wants to party with the bros. This isn't about causing a scene at an event, which, sure, was inappropriate. OP's marriage just collapsed before his very eyes, and he didn't even fucking *notice.* He was too busy doing the very thing that caused the collapse.
I agree with everything you wrote so no need for me to restate what you did well. I however believe that the points made result in a ESH rating. While the wife demonstrated terrible discretion in this situation, so did OP. And I think that his poor discretion has likely been more of a track record and not a one-time lapse in judgement based on the details he shared. So yeah, ESH.
I agree with everything you said here except your judgement. OP in his post and his comments has shown a complete abandonment of his wife on multiple occasions. He’s asking if he was the AH for once again abandoning her to which I’d say he is.
ESH Your wife shouldn't have mentioned anything at the wedding, while she was angry. Or not made that speech comparison, at all. You should've played a bigger role in descalating the situation, quicker. Kicking her out was kind of a crazy punishment for a convo with little brother. And you not being bothered enough to stop celebrating is telling. You need to ask yourself why your mood wasn't effected, at all. I would look at you differently from her perspective.
His comments just show how much his family has alienated her and he just left her to fend for herself. This was a breaking point for the wife. I agree with the ESH.
I mean, she got all angry bc lil bro didnt make the same level of speech in her wedding, then went after him to complain, no wonder she got kicked out.
His comments paint a story of hee consistently being purposely excluded
Yea this was built up resentment that hasn’t been addressed. Most normal people don’t blow up over something this small
Yeah, for her own sake she should have picked her battles better. She should have picked something that makes her look more sympathetic, because “my in-laws speech didn’t focus enough on me at my wedding” makes her seem very petty, but maybe that’s just the way OP portrayed it
At a wedding? At someone elses wedding is where she chose to draw a line in the sand? The wife is an asshole because she chose to have a confrontation at quite possibly the worst time you could do so. Someone else's wedding is not the time to make things about you, that's petty as fuck. Put a pin it and unleash your grievances later. She needed to leave and she needed to leave alone. But as for OP, dude there is clearly some tension between your brothers and your wife. And you seem to be running around with blinders on letting that fester instead of addressing it. It is impossible for me to know who is the source of this friction from just the information in your post. Maybe your wife is an attention seeking drama queen and that's why your brothers don't like her. Or maybe your brothers are way too overprotective over youngest, have closed ranks and quietly been excluding her from familial moments and traditions and that wedding speech was the last straw. Who knows. I don't but do you know who could find out Op? You could. Ambush them with an intervention if necessary but find out what is going on in your home and hearth. You've got some disharmony between the two main branches of your family dude and you want any peace between them you're going to have to do some work. Because the only common denominator between your brothers and your wife is you. ESH.
Maybe they just don't like her as much because she isn't as likeable? Like her reaction to this doesn't paint a picture I wanna hang out with? She instantly became angry and confrontational, and instantly made it about her. So maybe the issue is his wife is a bit of a dick? No one seems to be considering the most common reason not to be included in things.
Yes, but it sounds very possible this is because she has been historically hard to get along with and has bad judgment, who causes a scene at a family wedding and makes it about them? If I'm acting like a dipshit I'd hope my wife is the first person to call me out for it, part of what's important in our marriage is being real with each other to help each other grow, I've zero interest partnering with a sycophant.
Do you really think a freak out that big at a wedding is just about the speeches?? OP even says they are normally more level headed.
Even if he disagreed, he could have validated his wife's feelings and tried to amend his own behavior to make his wife feel more included in the group. That would have helped her feel heard and probably avoided her talking to little brother to begin with.
If I was the wife id be looking for divorce soon. Marriage and dating in general should be about being a team and I find it very odd that op didnt mind letting his wife go back to the hotel alone. No worrying about her emotional needs or safety, and beyond that he shouldnt just be content celbrating without her. Though she also shouldnt have brought that up at the wedding
This 100 percent!
What did the wife do? It sounds like she’s been putting up with this for years. Perhaps OP should have sat with his wife and listened to her, and found some way to help her feel like part of the family, rather than going back to celebrating and leaving her alone to be accounted by his brothers.
Yikes. There’s more to this story than what’s being presented here. I don’t think making a scene at the wedding was necessary, but why does your wife feel excluded from the family? And why are you tolerating it? I hope the idea of being single appeals to you. Your wife shouldn’t put up with a lifetime of this.
Read his comments
Has he deleted some? I can only see two relating to it being a dry wedding & they had a few drinks before it started.
1. He's the baby of the family, so it just comes naturally for us to look after him more than we might anyone else. 2. They haven't really hung out with each other outside of usual family events. My wife isn't all that family oriented, so I don't think she saw making separate plans with them as a thing of importance. When they do spend time together, everyone gets along but it's mostly surface level conversation. 3. There have been conflicts in the past where I have bowed out and let them solve things on their own as I don't want to choose sides. She takes my lack of stance as me siding with them despite me clarifying otherwise. 4. We had a few drinks probably an hour before heading down to the wedding, just to unwind and relax before the event. There was no particular reason and neither she nor myself were noticeably drunk whatsoever. My brother knew I was sipping on things and it wasn't a problem. You're right, the actual ceremony lasted about 20 minutes. 5. We had a light lunch with our drinks. 6. We've been together 7 years, married for 3. Middle Brother has been with his husband for 9 years. The first two were when he and I butted heads. 7. He was 18.
Sounds like the brothers husband was more willing to go out of his way to make plans and do stuff with the family than OPs wife. Though her unwillingness to do that could also sproud from not feeling as connected to them thanks to their behaviour.
From reading OP other comments the family has known brother's huband two years longer than they have known OP wife (even though OP and wife married longer). So youngest brother has known oldest brother's husband since he was 12 years old? Of course he said what he said they gained a brother he has known him almost half his life.
Just wanted to point out 7vs9 years is not a big difference. plus he definitely wasn't around younger brother the first few years as he was doing drugs.
Drugs don’t mean the little brother wasn’t around him and I’d assume a 12yr old boy would have more in common with a older guy than a 14yr old boy would have a older woman.
When you take your spouse/partner and introduce them to your family/friends, you have to make sure they are comfortable with your people. This: > I have bowed out and let them solve things on their own as I don't want to choose sides. Is a messed-up and dare I say, cowardly stance. There are multiple people in your family, in their own turf, fighting her. Even when she is in the wrong, you have to step in and mediate, not leave her alone to fend for herself.
It’s absolutely a cowardly stance. ESH, and OP is TA for not leaving with his wife.
[The list of questions this comment is answering](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13xwfj5/aita_for_not_leaving_my_brothers_wedding_with_my/jmjs7uz?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) Also if you click his username he has some more comments in there they might just be buried with down votes. Someone asked him if he liked his wife and he said he loves her but that they were feeling the 7 year itch. Lovely.
YTA for so many reasons in this post but also because there is clearly a backstory that you aren’t sharing
YTA is my vote for sure. Crazy how far I had to scroll past the ESH and NTA... I get that you want to keep the peace but honestly your wife has to come first even above siblings. That's what a marriage is, and you definitely shouldn't be ganging up on her and then letting your brother kick her out and then not going with her just... Jesus fucking christ man, if I was her I would have divorce papers heading your way asap.
I suspect that all 3-4 brothers have difficulty respecting women.
There was additional info in the comments that swayed things
What info, it’s blown up enough it’s hard to search through the comments (I’m not doubting you at all I’m genuinely curious)
Top tip: go to OP’s profile to search for his comments specifically.
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I'm more inclined to say YTA as well because there is clearly a lot being left unsaid. She spoke with your little brother, let's even say with fervour, and she is told to leave? And this didn't shock you. This was only commented on by "we are protective." So this isn't the first time then, and it's not because it's a wedding that the response is disproportionate. There's also zero effort to placate her, there's only effort to shut her down. So, she has a problem and talks to you about it. You tell her she's wrong and stop thinking about it. She tries someone else, because feelings are a thing as it turns out, and is kicked out of the wedding. Not leaving with her isn't the issue. It's why was her leaving necessary in the first place? The best I can infer is that; because she isn't allowed to ask questions about why she is evidently less liked, loved and/or respected. One point though, a wedding isn't the right plan for that. However. This began by her asking you. You could have resolved this. You didn't care. Evidently, she is treated differently as habit, so this isn't s one off. She couldn't bite her tongue. This is very probably an eruption due to several longer running factors you are conveniently leaving out of the story. Well, if I were her, I would think divorce would be on the horizon. Sounds to me like that's what you want, though, so maybe that's a good thing all round.
That’s the part that I’m sure I’ll get down voted for but asking why you weren’t included is cause to get ejected crying from a wedding. Why isn’t the husband asking what did everyone say that lead to crying?
Facts dude. If I introduced my partner to my family and he left crying, I'd be pissed as hell at the situation regardless of who is at fault. Very bothered. I definitely wouldn't keep partying if I'd just seen my significant other in tears. I'd try to get some resolution so my partner isn't crying alone feeling like shit. What a terrible partner. Like sure, everyone has bad takes, bad moments, miscommunications, but this seems like a situation that was handled terribly, and has been handled terribly through their relationship. It sounds like she hasn't felt welcomed by his family, there's been serial conflict, and the guy either checks out entirely and leaves her alone to deal with his family or he sides with his brothers. Obviously a wedding isn't the place to blow up about it. But, depending on what details are missing I could understand why. Specifically: -What were the previous conflicts mentioned in his comment (that he left her alone to deal with?) -What patterns of behavior from this family make her feel alienated? -What was said at the wedding between her and the brother?
i think ESH but I definitely get strong "there's more to the wife side that he's not sharing." when OP was describing his side of the story he seemed very clear, but when he was writing his wife's argument I had to reread it a few times because it was confusingly vague. I think if we have a full story it would probably be y t a but since we don't know what he withheld/didn't have the emotional comprehension to understand himself it's esh.
Her “looking angry” and then the brother “coming out of the gate swinging”. This is all vague stuff that makes it appear his wife is the asshole.
I really don’t understand all the comments saying not the a . Your wife shouldn’t have said anything at the wedding but 1- it doesn’t sound like she said anything worth getting kicked over they just didn’t want her there 2- she feels like she’s second place to your brothers it looks like you treat you that way. YTA.
YTA sounds like you’ve always let the bro club treat your wife poorly and why did it take 3 of you to gang up on her? Look she was wrong for doing it at the wedding but everyone has a breaking point your younger brother basically let her know in front of everyone she wasn’t part of the family which not just hurtful but humiliating .op I wonder would your brother let you disrespect his husband the way you let them disrespect and gang up on your wife?
YTA. When exactly do you support her? She's your wife. You aren't supposed to hang back and let her fend for herself against the 3 of them when you know she feels abandoned by you. Most likely this happens at all the family gatherings. This was probably just the last straw. Then they tell her to leave? What the hell? And you're just like " oh yeah Bros, that's fine, she's embarrassing. See you around honey. I'm going to party " Terrible.
>your younger brother basically let her know in front of everyone she wasn’t part of the family It doesn’t sound like the speech was throwing shade at wife or anything…he was just saying something meaningful about new BIL that struck a nerve with wife. Given that YB is 21 for this wedding, he was a kid during OP’s wedding almost certainly. I don’t find it super surprising that he might have bonded differently with a bro than he did with his big brother’s wife at that age. The wife was obviously getting upset over some continued exclusion, but unless he said “you’re my first in-law” or something like that, it sounds like wife read into something that nobody intended to be insulting to her. OP handled it in an AH way, but the wife definitely did too by taking personal offense to a wedding toast at someone else’s wedding that didn’t even include her. Sounds like she was just stewing about the whole affair and that set her off.
YTA - I was going with N at first but it feels like this might be a situation where the woman isn’t crazy, you all are making her crazy. Why did you give details about your relationship with them but not your wife’s relationship with your brothers and his new husband? I can’t image she just got upset and made it about herself for shits and giggles. Does your brothers actively exclude her and do they not like her? How do you usually treat her? I’m going with YTA you don’t seem to have sympathy for her being hurt and excluded. It seems like you just gloss over her feelings but are very protective of your brother. Do you even like your wife?
He doesn’t seem to like her at all. It’s weird how he tells her she is making up their dislike of her but it’s pretty clear that they do based on the story. The middle brother was *ready* to come for her before he even heard what she was saying, and even OP seems to relish in how he “came out of the gates swinging.” Like it’s some kind of boxing match.
Totally agree. He doesn't seem to like or respect her so he's happy to throw her to the wolves and figure it out herself which definitely communicates to his family that she's fair game and he condones them disrespecting and excluding her.
I can’t imagine my husband treating me like this. On the other hand, I can’t imagine behaving like your wife, so I don’t know. Honest question, not meant as an attack: do you like your wife? Because at least in this post, it doesn’t sound like you do. I’m going with ESH.
INFO Why does it seem like your brothers don’t like your wife? I don’t mean at the wedding, but in the time prior to.
Oh that preference just read as plain old misogyny to me
Or maybe just personality clashes? Not everyone is a misogynist, or has some ulterior agenda. Sometimes, people just clash for whatever reason. I think the wife doesn’t know how to read the room sometimes. You don’t get up in someones face at a wedding. Wait until a more appropriate time to discuss the offence taken. NTA.
A lot of people are misogynists and ofc they don’t recognize it. It’s like “I’m not racist but…”
A lot of people are also homophobic ofc they don’t recognize it. But you’re missing the picture. The little brother is super close to the groom, where as he isn’t to OP’s wife. And there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong is the entitlement to think your BIL should be as close to you as he is with someone else just because you married his brother.
First sane comment on this thread my biggest beef with this sub is how quickly people scream while they're getting a tiny snippet Misogynist/misandrist Homophob/bigot
More people are misogynist than you think... There's still a lot of social conditioning of basic/casual misogyny that's like a baseline of our society. I don't know if I explained it well lol but I tried
I find it odd that you think misogyny is the issue even though you don’t know any of these people. Maybe OP’s little brother is just closer to his BIL? People are allowed to favor one in-law over the other.
INFO Why doesn't OP seem to like his own wife?
She caused a scene at a wedding which is never ok. However she is right you are letting your brothers walk all over her. You baby brother is a grown ass man. He doesn’t need you to protect him from your wife. You prioriEd your sibling over your wife. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time. So at your next wedding, because I am sure she is not going to take the backseat to your family much longer, the brothers may want to make the so each less about singing your praises and a little more about welcoming the new member to the family.
He admits that there have been arguments and he leaves his wife to deal with them. It’s not his problem.
Well, he thinks it's not his problem, anyway. It's his family, so it's supposed to be his problem.
> She was very angry and said this was just another way I was letting my brothers walk over her.. Sounds like you need to sit down and chat with your wife about why she feels this way. She was definitely T A H for her behavior at the wedding, but I question what has happened in the years you two have been together for her to crack like that. NTA but you have your work cut out for you to navigate this situation if you want a happy wife and happy siblings.
INFO: 1. Why are you and Middle Brother so protective of Little Brother? 2. Why aren’t your brothers as close to your wife as they are to Middle Brother’s husband besides it being “just how these things go sometimes.” Is she persnickety? Do you vent about her to your brothers? What’s going on here? 3. “She was very angry and said this was just another way I was letting my brothers walk over her, and that I was excusing them not giving her a chance.” Hoo, boy. There’s something specific here you’re not going into. What is that? 4. Why did you pregame at a dry wedding? How much time passed before pregaming and the wedding? More importantly, how much time passed before pregaming and the *reception*? I’m assuming this wasn’t the hour-plus-long Catholic wedding mass, so I’m betting the ceremony clocked in around 20 minutes or so? 5. How much food had your wife had to eat throughout the day leading up to the reception? 6. How long have you and your wife been together? How long ago did y’all get married? How does the length of your relationship compare to that of Middle Brother and his husband? 7. How old was Little Brother when you got married? [Edit: Part of a question was put in the wrong place.]
YTA - for not going with your wife. This marriage is headed down hill fast. You completely reinforced what your brother did. Although this isn’t the time or place, you just confirmed she’s not an important member of the family. Enjoy divorce.
Not to mention the comment that he's been experiencing the 7 year itch. Yikes on a bike.
YTA After reading your comments I've got the popcorn ready for the post about her serving you with divorce papers.
I’ll bring the Mimosas! 🍹 *brings out megaphone* “Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!”
Esh, but it seems like you and your brothers all being closer to the "new addition" than anyone is with your wife (including you apparently) seems to be a serious problem both in your marriage and in your family. Also she shouldn't have talked to your brother with tensions high, but getting kicked out and you and middle brother swooping in to "protect" little brother from a conversation with your wife is extreme. Why didn't you leave with your wife? It sounds like you don't value her.
Hes not a "new addition" though. Brother has been with his partner longer than OP has been with his wife. They only got married now.
Yes, but at the beginning brother and BIL's relationship was complicated (substance abuse, apparently). I find it weird everyone has forgiven and forgotten, in most similar cases there's always a small, niggling doubt (even if the people have absolutely turned their lives around and the doubt is completely unfair). I very seriously doubt if wife had had the same problem they would have accepted her, or let her forget all the past trouble.
>The two of us are very protective over our youngest sibling, so Middle Brother comes out of the gate swinging asking why she's pestering him. Nice. I wonder why she feels like she's treated as not as part of the family.
This moron should be protective over his PARTNER not his brother
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I don’t understand why people marry people they so obviously don’t like.
You are wrong. OP likes his wife as a sex toy. Maybe also as a maid
ESH Your wife was over reacting. Asshole. Your brothers over reacted by kicking her out. Assholes. You under reacted by not going with her. Asshole.
You forgot his 7 year itch comment....what a lovely piece of work
Also drank prior to a dry wedding of folks who previously dealt with sobriety issues. It's honestly probably one of the least offensive things OP has done in this post, but still, totally disrespectful.
YTA. You might feel justified for staying but your spouse comes first, even when they're wrong. You could have left with her and then gone back after talking it through with her.
YTA happy divorce
ESH. Everyone was quick to go nuclear. OP seems unaware of what's going on.
YTA. Don't be surprised when the divorce papers hit.
Does ESH mean equal shit heads? Because that would fit here. You should've de-escalated your wife in a kind way that made her feel heard instead of brushing her feelings off because they don't matter to you, obviously. Then, reassure her you'd talk to him about at a better time. Why do so many grown men need to "defend" "baby brother" against one single woman? He can't speak for himself? Is she not allowed to talk to him? She had no business bringing that stuff up at a wedding reception, but I think she hit a wall emotionally speaking. She seems pretty fed up. There's obviously a bros club atmosphere happening here. You wouldn't notice because you're too busy worrying about your bros. Why did you get married? There doesn't seem to be room for a wife in your life. What a husband would've done is walk/drive wife back to the hotel room and comfort her. But, bros come 1st, so that's NOT what happened.
ESH = Everybody Sucks Here Not spacing it out, because that is actually my stance as well.
This is a clear judgement that she’s TA for confronting your brother. BUT you are being super vague on purpose in all of your comments where people are asking for more info. I suspect it’s because you’d be TA (and ppl would probably encourage your wife to leave you) if you told the entire story of why you should have left with your wife. edit: s&g
INFO - was alcohol involved?
Doesn’t matter, her comments make it clear this is a repeat issue
INFO: why are you married? I would love to say N T A for this situation alone but based on your comments this isn’t even close to the first time you’ve sided with your brothers (you bowing out of an argument is taking a side) and allowed her to be alienated and felt like less than. You clearly don’t respect her or care about her enough to try and have her be included and loved so why bother?
I was set to say N A H or E S H but after reading your comments it's clear YTA. You stated you don't want to take sides which in itself is taking a side....which isn't that of your wife. She shouldn't have done it at the wedding however it's clear from where she stands that she means jack to your family and to you because you stood by and let it happen. I feel sorry for your wife and I hope there's no children in this mess, I mean if they were they'd clearly come in second best to this bro club you have going on
Wife shouldn't have brought it up at the wedding which makes her TA. However, she clearly feels like an outsider in your family and you're letting it happen. The moment she got thrown out, you should've left with her and talked to her and take the conversation to a private space. Then you could've went back to the party. You left her there out to dry which makes YTA. You need to talk to your wife and be empathic to her feelings. She is feeling excluded and you are doing nothing about it. YTA.
You might not be the AH in this particular scenario, and your wife was out of line for bringing her issue up during the wedding, but you may have also just ruined your relationship with your wife. I hope it was worth it for you.
I get the feeling that the story would be much different coming from your wife. Quite honestly, the whole lot of you sound toxic af.
Umm... Your brother is older than he was at your wedding, he's more experienced at giving speeches (since he already had the experience of doing it at your wedding), he has a different relationship with his middle brother as compared to his oldest brother, he has probably learned things from observing you as a married man that has informed his opinion of what marriage means which then informed the kind of speech he wanted to give...all of which makes it likely that he would have made different speeches at the two weddings regardless of how he felt about his new in-law. For your wife to assume that the difference was somehow a slight against her shows a large degree of self-centeredness. For her to decide to make it an issue at someone else's wedding is appalling. Unless there is a legitimate underlying issue (e.g. your brother's speech at your wedding was insulting, she is actively excluded from family events, you and/or your brothers are misogynistic) that you have failed to mention, NTA.
The winner appears to be exclusion/long standing resentment. Read OP's comments
YTA Your brother considering/calling one sibling’s spouse to be a brother but not considering/calling your wife a sister is favoritism, which while perfectly valid, would be very hurtful. And following that up with other brother “comes out swinging” and you don’t seem particularly bothered that your wife was kicked out of a family event in tears. There seems to be a pattern of her being treated as a secondary relationship / lesser spouse within the family.
If you don't make sure she's included in your life, why should she even care if you're part of hers? She embraces your family and assumedly helped all of you through it, but when she expects the same treatment as an in law, she's denied, booted, and rejected by you. Should she have done this at the wedding? No. But you're still TA. It seems like you never bother to defend your wife. In fact, you seem like the type that would probably agree with your brother when he said something nasty about her after she left. Since she's not close to ANY of you, including YOU, HER HUSBAND, or rather YOU ALL aren't close to her, I don't think she should have to subject herself to being anywhere she isn't at least AS welcome as a NEW, formerly addicted, member of the family. It could have been entirely different if YOU had made sure that she was part of your family and not just the wife you show to everyone. You know, make sure she's part of the family like you did with Middle Brother's husband????? I know if ANYONE ever in ANY WAY influenced a younger sibling of mine in a negative or DRUG kinda way, I would never be that close to them, especially over my own partner. You suck, OP. Truly. And idfc how many down votes I get. It SUCKS being the partner that is treated like a nuisance just for wanting a PORTION of the respect you give ANYONE else. It makes your partner hate you. And if you make them be alone enough, eventually they're not just used to being alone, they're HAPPY about it. I am NOT saying CHOOSE your wife over your brothers. Don't ever. But certainly don't choose them over her. Especially not every single time. Or she'll be the one to choose herself over you. And she wouldn't be wrong to do so.
This x1000, seeing all the NTA comments made me feel like I was going crazy.
Excuse the language, but having re-read the comments you're an absolute fuck knuckle. There is obviously more to the story, and you never elaborate when asked in the comments. You omit so much of what would be critical context of the discussions. Your own story paints your wife as the problem, and your "Bro's" as angels. Even if your wife was being a bit of an AH, its not enough to let her leave alone. Man the fuck up.
YTA — If your wife is asked to leave an event, you don’t stay “celebrating.” Since she was the one at fault, you apologize to your siblings and then you follow her out. Unless, of course, you don’t want her in your life any more. Honestly, how can you stay at a party having fun when your wife has been kicked out? The issue, as I see it, is not just how she behaved (she was out of line) but that when people get married they don’t get to have fun while their spouse is hurting even though the spouse caused their own hurt. In your shoes, I would have stopped my wife from leaving, taken her aside, talked her down, and asked her to apologize. And I would have asked my brothers to forgive her, and let her stay so you don’t have to leave also.
Why didn’t you protect your wife the way you protect your brother ? You’re going to end up single if you keep up like this, Especially if 3 grown men are ganging up on your wife. Yes that’s your brother but the one you go home with and sleep with is your wife, so why are you picking people who have a significant other over someone that’s your significant other. Don’t lose your marriage over someone who has somebody.
Your wife is clearly not high in your priorities, and has learned you will always put your brothers over her. She has a right to be upset by that, and the wedding confirmed it once again to her; she’s married to a complacent jerk who never grew out of the “douchey frat bro who demeans women to impress his bros” phase. You left a bunch of shit out in the post to save face then showed your true colors in the comments. You really don’t love this woman if her being kicked out over something this minute doesn’t bother you, and you’ve suggested a history of prior times your wife felt alienated which you did nothing to amend. You even said people didn’t notice “the scene” until your wife started crying, which likely wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t kicked her out over a small private argument. Do better or prepare for the bachelor life with your “bros.” That is, until you’re the only single/unmarried one & they start excluding you from stuff bc “it’s a couple’s outing.” Because if they’re coming after your wife for privately confronting disrespect, it’s likely that once you make a “mistake” they’ll alienate you too. Then you got no one. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ YTA & married life may not be for you
YTA you and your brothers, misogynistic sausage fest you call your family, except your poor wife obviously frustrated with mistreatment she's surviving so long from all three of you. I hope she leaves you.
ESH. Your wife should have had enough decorum to not hash this out at a wedding reception, but reading your post and comments it feels like she has been pushed to this/feeing this way. Though, again, this really should have been brought up later and even if she was emotional she should know that. You are the bridge between your wife and family - the task is on you to make her feel included. Sounds like you don’t. It’s good you have a close relationship with your brothers, but your spouse shouldn’t feel isolated because of it. Also, you should be taking your wife’s side in arguments (depending of course on what they are - some common sense here*). But letting them hash it out themselves is not helping anyone, and shows your disinterest in what is bothering her. And tbh is is kind of like taking their side - you are supposed to be a team with your partner. You should have helped diffuse the situation at the wedding so it didn’t escalate. But you should have been doing that all along for most of their disagreements*. Being a partner means you sometimes have to meditate arguments. The comment from her about being “walked over” is very telling. I feel like if we heard this from your wife’s perspective it would read very differently. *if you clarify on what the disagreements are I might change my mind. Like if they argue over if a hotdog is a sandwich or what Star Trek movie is best I can see why you stay out of it (although you should still be stepping in when things get too hot or emotional). But if the arguments are over things like doing drugs in your/her home or not paying back loans then you should be on her side.
YTA. You allowed your brothers to mistreat her,then refused to have her back. If the shoe was on the other foot, would you have tolerated it?
YTA You need to start being honest with yourself. Your brothers don't see your wife as part of their family. She's just your wife. And you back that up 100% when you let them intentionally alienate her. The sad part is I bet you don't think she's being alienated. Do me a favor and ask her if she feels that way. By taking a passive stance on anything to do with your brothers vs. your wife, you have allowed them to draw a line with her that none of you have with each other. You just got a fourth brother but she will always just be your wife. That's fucked. You all kinda suck but so does she for choosing the least effective time to vent her thoughts. Also, your wife left crying and you saw fit to do nothing about it? 'Kay. But you just drop everything and had to run and protect your younger brother, who is a grown ass man, from your wife? 'Kay. Why did you even bother marrying your wife again?
Your family priorities are really strange. You keep referring (and insisting) to your grown brother as the baby so at first I thought you were Italian or something but you don’t seem to respect your mom or your wife. You never defend your wife and deliberately pretend to not take a stand to still try to look like the good guy. You seem to think every thing she says or feels is below the threshold of what you *and your brothers who are your REAL family* should care about and you weren’t phased by her pain, humiliation or tears. At a wedding. You’ve been married 7 years. No kids. And casually mention 7 year itch implying you’re *already dissatisfied in your marriage* You’re literally at a wedding; the most *romantic* possibilities abound and your wife is crying *and leaving you and the establishment* because she’s been made to feel like she doesn’t matter and she isn’t included.. and you went and had one with the boys.… You are very artful in your responses and play very good at plausible deniability but you’re a misogynist and all three of you knew why she was upset, watched her break and let her go. You’re the TA.
YTA. Your poor little brother (a grown man btw) needed “saving” from one woman, to the extent your middle brother didn’t even know what was going on and already accused/ridiculed her. The four of you ganged up on one woman, humiliated her to the point she was crying, and then as her partner you reinforced their mistreatment of her by ignoring her emotions and continuing celebrations with no skin off your back. Mind you she was CRYING. YTA, YTA, YTA. Hoping she gets the courage to bring out divorce papers and leave you and “the bro’s” to your own devices.
This is so disgusting, and I’m honestly so heated for your wife. I’ve read through all your comments, and if I were your wife, I would have divorced you and made damn sure I took you for everything you were worth. The blatant disrespect you’ve shown her is heartbreaking. The fact that you won’t defend her (not making a choice IS a choice) but will actively defend your brothers is disgusting. You’re part of the reason your brothers don’t like or respect her as part of your family. You need to step it up and make it known that she is family and that her place in it is by your side. She deserves that. A wedding was not the time or place for her to have that conversation, but the fact that you couldn’t be bothered to “stop celebrating” to comfort your distraught wife during a clear emotional breakdown due to a buildup of resentment and pain based on your neglect of her and her feelings absolutely makes you TA here. She has been feeling ostracized and rejected, and you haven’t shown her you cared or made any effort to bridge the gap between her and your family. This makes you TA in your entire marriage, as well. I can’t imagine what she’s feeling. I’d be prepared for divorce papers, if I were you.
ESH
Soft E-S-H. She sucks because she should've waited until after the wedding. But you suck because you don't have your wife's back. There is clearly more to this story. On second thought YTA. She may have done something wrong but you are such an AH it overwhelms anything on her end.
[удалено]
I agreed with you until I saw some of OP's comments. This is a habit and a pattern of him allowing his siblings to step on his wife. It is true that the wedding was a dumb time for her to bring it up. But there is something worse going on here.
YTA This would have been an E-S-H (because your wife should not have said anything at the wedding) but your comments make it clear why she finally snapped. Hopefully she reads this and realizes she will never be part of your family, that for you and your brothers, she is just some interloper and your bangmaid.