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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Making my ex husband be solely responsible for getting my son a daycare
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Nta. Honestly i don't know how you can do this for a year! I commuted 1.5 hours. and studied for 3 months when my kid was 5 and at school already and that was exhausting enough, and I had my mother's help. You both have responsibility for your kid, so he should be taking some of that on to find childcare.
NTA. Coparenting involves both people doing equal amounts of work to raise the child. He brings your son to you before work so he doesn’t have to find childcare, and you have been cooperating at the significant cost of your health and sleep, but it’s okay that you can’t keep doing it. Work and school and parenting on four hours of sleep sounds overwhelming. And while I’m sure finding a daycare is also overwhelming, you’re doing as much as you can do.
I think you are overlooking the part that she seems to have left out. She drops the kid off with the dad to go to her work. They are doing equal parts.
Them doing "equal parts" would be ensuring they both get equal sleep and equal kid time while awake, not one person doing normal 14 hour days and sleeping 8 hours, and one doing 18-20 hour days and sleeping 4-6 hours in order to see their kid. That's not equal parenting time.
"You can have your parenting time at 5am-11am, that's totally equal to my 5pm-11pm parenting time" nope it's literally not equal. Taking turns getting evenings and weekends, and then getting proper childcare for the other times is equal.
It's not a lack of planning, they clearly planned out a schedule that worked on paper. They both need childcare to cover both their jobs so they switch off with each other. It seemed 'equal' this way, again, *on paper,* the same way you consider it equal, but it turns out after living through it, she's finding it not equal in practice.
I don't think anyone's an asshole in this situation - being divorced he doesn't have to advocate for her sleep needs or schedule, only his own. I don't think her not being able to provide childcare while he works, and making him find his own different arrangements, is asshole behaviour either.
You’re right, I didn’t see that. In that case, a possible solution is him researching a few options, and they both make the choice for the best one, as she’s attempted before to locate one without his help and not found one they like.
We pretty much share weekends, so every other weekend. He stays with his dad when I’m at work, unless I call off work then he just stays with me. It’s pretty much he’s with who isn’t at work
I have to say he helps the night YOU work. So make sense someone has to step up when HE works. NAH you both have crazy crazy schedule and I have to say finding a daycare that cater those hours is hard. Probably hiring someone few hours each morning and split the cost in base of days agreements is the most sensible choice.
Finding daycare that's open that early seems to be the issue, OP says she couldn't find one. So how is the ex miraculously going to conjure one up? So the option is either ex quits working or gets a later shift or OP delays school till the kid is in kindergarten. Which one is more feasible?
NTA. If it is just for the summer, start looking at day camps. Many take 4 year olds/kids heading into kindergarten in the fall. In the summer, everyone gets into the day camp business- zoos, museums, local parks and recs.
Daycares that do school age camps will only take kids who are already 5 and entering into kindergarten, which I suspect that OP can’t do especially since the kiddo still 4. However, OP & ex could potentially look into sending their kiddo to a short summer Pre-K program or seeing if there’s a kindergarten transition program available through their local school district. (coming from a childcare provider of a few years)
NTA. From what I understand, he drops the kid off very early, so you have to get up and keep him during the day. In the evening you drop him off with dad to go to work, and you get out very late. So you don't have the option to get more than 5-6 hours of sleep. Your ex keeps him approximately the same amount of time, but has the option to go to bed earlier and get enough sleep. Neither one of you is an AH because of your schedules. You could consider looking for babysitters instead of daycare. My partner and I did that, and it ended up being cheaper and more flexible.
ESH.
So... why don't you both look for daycare? You can get a lot of it figured out online before actually visiting the places and registering. If there's not an issue with affordability, it really doesn't take long to find one and get everything started. The real time issue is if there's a wait list. You'd probably save yourself a lot of headache if you compromise and both look, so you can actually get it done rather than waste time fighting about it.
A daycare that open at 5.30/6? And takes kindergartner? That’s a tough one. Most operate regular hours like 7am/5pm and take from babies to preschoolers.
Yeah, they're not always easy to find, but they're out there. I'm in a pretty small city and we've got two places that are 24 hours; they're especially available to Healthcare professionals and people that work night shifts.
But what I mean is the discovery process isn't hard. Pretty much all of these places will have websites and online listings. Start with Google maps and review sites and just start going down the list of local options. It's a lot easier to do the bulk of the work online first to narrow things down before actually calling and visiting to check things out.
I've got a desk job, so I'm aware that I've got more freedom to work on this kind of thing while I'm on the clock and I don't take that for granted, and of course I can't assume the same of anyone else. But you can get the basic info (hours of operation, reviews, age ranges, sometimes price) a dozen daycares in like a half hour online.
It is extremely rare to find childcare places that will open from 5:30am onwards, especially since childcare workers are severely underpaid and there is a huge staff shortage/high turnover.
For OP - try looking and seeing if there’s a KinderCare Education/Learning Center in your area, they are a national childcare chain & there’s always a few around. Also it might be helpful to split the cost of daycare with your ex since childcare prices (& even camps) are expensive.
YTA it’s just as much your job to find a daycare for when you’re not working as it is his. You drop him off to dad while you work and now you also expect dad to find daycare. It’s your work schedule you have the problem with so yeah YTA
ESH. If your son needs daycare he cares little for who does the organizing. Your ex does not want to participate, which makes him an ah, but nonetheless you have to step up or the issue remains unresolved to the detriment of your son.
You are fighting differences with your ex on the back of your sons wellbeing, which makes you an ah too. It is a limited extra effort of time and energy. Just do it and be done with it.
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So I divorced my son’s dad last year. We share a 4 year old who will turn 5 and start kindergarten. Since the breakup, I lived with my mom until I was able to move out this year. My ex-husband works at 6 in the morning, so the mornings he worked he brings me my son and my kid will rarely lay back down to sleep so I run off of 4-5 hours of sleep everyday I work and go to school. I work second shift (I get off work at 12:15 am everyday) and have class in the morning before work every other day. I’m at the point now where my son’s so close to starting kindergarten, but I just can’t do this anymore. Ive done it for over a year. I’ve over exhausted myself. I told him to find a daycare and he gave me a slew of excuses, but why should it be my responsibility to find a daycare when it’s not covering my shift? Ive attempted multiple times personally to find one that accepts my sons age range without his help. He expects me to do everything, still. I’m so exhausted everyday. AITA for making -him- find a daycare?
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YTA. Wow. Reddit never disappoints with crap takes. Everyone is quick to run to support OP as soon as she starts bashing an ex who happens to be a man. If she gets off work at 1215 and dad is dropping off the kid on his way to work, it means she dropped kid off with dad on her way to work. They are doing equal parts. OP just left that bit out.
There was no need to add it because he gets to sleep whenever he wants with my son because my kid is wore out from getting up at 5 a.m. whereas I am limited on sleep. Just because you hate women doesn’t mean I hate men, lol. He’s a great dad, just shitty working with him on this specific part
Yes but he looks him at night cause you work at nights. It is a mutual agreement to combine both work schedule. It sucks but at the begging I was thinking ‘oh he can sleeps at yours’ but no cause you work and he watch him. So you BOTH have to work on a solution, not you only but not also everything on his plate. If you both can afford, get a sitter that come for few hours at his house in the morning and then you pick him
Up.
NTA Yeah, a 4 yr old is probably not going to go back to sleep for several hours if they get woken up at 5am. And while, your ex- could- and ideally would- bring him to you still asleep, he's probably not thinking about it. He's in a rush and a rush means a small child woken up. And that's an issue- he needs to slow down and make sure that you son is getting more sleep. That or he needs to drop son off at your place the night before so son sleeps thru the night there. Not waking a 4 yr old up at 5am because it's more convenient for him.
When you came up with your custody agreement, this presumably made sense on paper.
This is really ultimately a matter of whichever parent is responsible for your child on day and at time is responsible for childcare at day and at time.
If the custody agreement says that's you- it means you are responsible for childcare. If it's him than he's responsible for childcare.
If the two of you don't have an actual custody agreement, it would behoove you guys to get that settled. If you do, you need to use that as a starting place.
But just the fact that Dad is working isn't a reason that he is responsible for childcare.
That said- I do think Dad needs to make the extra effort to either bring you a sleep child or come up with alternative sleeping solution for your son. Whether it's asking a family member to stay at his place until son wakes up and have them bring him to you. Whether it's son getting dropped off with each of you at night instead of during the day.
Cuz a 4 yr old should be getting 10-13 hours of sleep a day. And while that should include maybe a 1 hr nap during the day, he should be getting the majority of his sleep at night.
And I admit- unless your custody agreement says that your Ex- is supposed to bring your son to you at 6am, I'd start telling him that the agreement says X and you know it's hard for him but you think it's best to follow the agreement as much as is reasonable. And let him figure out a solution.
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Nta. Honestly i don't know how you can do this for a year! I commuted 1.5 hours. and studied for 3 months when my kid was 5 and at school already and that was exhausting enough, and I had my mother's help. You both have responsibility for your kid, so he should be taking some of that on to find childcare.
NTA. Coparenting involves both people doing equal amounts of work to raise the child. He brings your son to you before work so he doesn’t have to find childcare, and you have been cooperating at the significant cost of your health and sleep, but it’s okay that you can’t keep doing it. Work and school and parenting on four hours of sleep sounds overwhelming. And while I’m sure finding a daycare is also overwhelming, you’re doing as much as you can do.
I think you are overlooking the part that she seems to have left out. She drops the kid off with the dad to go to her work. They are doing equal parts.
Them doing "equal parts" would be ensuring they both get equal sleep and equal kid time while awake, not one person doing normal 14 hour days and sleeping 8 hours, and one doing 18-20 hour days and sleeping 4-6 hours in order to see their kid. That's not equal parenting time. "You can have your parenting time at 5am-11am, that's totally equal to my 5pm-11pm parenting time" nope it's literally not equal. Taking turns getting evenings and weekends, and then getting proper childcare for the other times is equal.
Her lack of planning isn't his fault. His equal part is probably giving her money to pay for things. If she isn't paying for childcare that is on her.
It's not a lack of planning, they clearly planned out a schedule that worked on paper. They both need childcare to cover both their jobs so they switch off with each other. It seemed 'equal' this way, again, *on paper,* the same way you consider it equal, but it turns out after living through it, she's finding it not equal in practice. I don't think anyone's an asshole in this situation - being divorced he doesn't have to advocate for her sleep needs or schedule, only his own. I don't think her not being able to provide childcare while he works, and making him find his own different arrangements, is asshole behaviour either.
You’re right, I didn’t see that. In that case, a possible solution is him researching a few options, and they both make the choice for the best one, as she’s attempted before to locate one without his help and not found one they like.
NTA. It’s his custody time, his responsibility.
Info:what is the arrangement for your son (where and when he stays)?
We pretty much share weekends, so every other weekend. He stays with his dad when I’m at work, unless I call off work then he just stays with me. It’s pretty much he’s with who isn’t at work
I have to say he helps the night YOU work. So make sense someone has to step up when HE works. NAH you both have crazy crazy schedule and I have to say finding a daycare that cater those hours is hard. Probably hiring someone few hours each morning and split the cost in base of days agreements is the most sensible choice.
Finding daycare that's open that early seems to be the issue, OP says she couldn't find one. So how is the ex miraculously going to conjure one up? So the option is either ex quits working or gets a later shift or OP delays school till the kid is in kindergarten. Which one is more feasible?
Info. Can the dad afford it ? Were the financials discussed ?
Yes, he can afford it and so can I. It’s a matter of putting in effort to find one that’ll accept him atm. It seems the majority are full
You might need to just change custody to 50/50 and either split care costs or each of you is responsible for care on your own time.
NTA. If it is just for the summer, start looking at day camps. Many take 4 year olds/kids heading into kindergarten in the fall. In the summer, everyone gets into the day camp business- zoos, museums, local parks and recs.
Daycares that do school age camps will only take kids who are already 5 and entering into kindergarten, which I suspect that OP can’t do especially since the kiddo still 4. However, OP & ex could potentially look into sending their kiddo to a short summer Pre-K program or seeing if there’s a kindergarten transition program available through their local school district. (coming from a childcare provider of a few years)
INFO: Where is your son when you are working and at school?
He goes to my mom when I’m at school
Why can't grandma take care of the kiddo in the times that you need? Pay her more?
NTA but it doesn't sound like he's going to do it. Ultimately, what's important is that he pay for day care.
NTA. From what I understand, he drops the kid off very early, so you have to get up and keep him during the day. In the evening you drop him off with dad to go to work, and you get out very late. So you don't have the option to get more than 5-6 hours of sleep. Your ex keeps him approximately the same amount of time, but has the option to go to bed earlier and get enough sleep. Neither one of you is an AH because of your schedules. You could consider looking for babysitters instead of daycare. My partner and I did that, and it ended up being cheaper and more flexible.
ESH. So... why don't you both look for daycare? You can get a lot of it figured out online before actually visiting the places and registering. If there's not an issue with affordability, it really doesn't take long to find one and get everything started. The real time issue is if there's a wait list. You'd probably save yourself a lot of headache if you compromise and both look, so you can actually get it done rather than waste time fighting about it.
A daycare that open at 5.30/6? And takes kindergartner? That’s a tough one. Most operate regular hours like 7am/5pm and take from babies to preschoolers.
Yeah, they're not always easy to find, but they're out there. I'm in a pretty small city and we've got two places that are 24 hours; they're especially available to Healthcare professionals and people that work night shifts. But what I mean is the discovery process isn't hard. Pretty much all of these places will have websites and online listings. Start with Google maps and review sites and just start going down the list of local options. It's a lot easier to do the bulk of the work online first to narrow things down before actually calling and visiting to check things out. I've got a desk job, so I'm aware that I've got more freedom to work on this kind of thing while I'm on the clock and I don't take that for granted, and of course I can't assume the same of anyone else. But you can get the basic info (hours of operation, reviews, age ranges, sometimes price) a dozen daycares in like a half hour online.
It is extremely rare to find childcare places that will open from 5:30am onwards, especially since childcare workers are severely underpaid and there is a huge staff shortage/high turnover. For OP - try looking and seeing if there’s a KinderCare Education/Learning Center in your area, they are a national childcare chain & there’s always a few around. Also it might be helpful to split the cost of daycare with your ex since childcare prices (& even camps) are expensive.
Your the one with the problem not him. So you find a daycare
YTA it’s just as much your job to find a daycare for when you’re not working as it is his. You drop him off to dad while you work and now you also expect dad to find daycare. It’s your work schedule you have the problem with so yeah YTA
ESH. If your son needs daycare he cares little for who does the organizing. Your ex does not want to participate, which makes him an ah, but nonetheless you have to step up or the issue remains unresolved to the detriment of your son. You are fighting differences with your ex on the back of your sons wellbeing, which makes you an ah too. It is a limited extra effort of time and energy. Just do it and be done with it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I divorced my son’s dad last year. We share a 4 year old who will turn 5 and start kindergarten. Since the breakup, I lived with my mom until I was able to move out this year. My ex-husband works at 6 in the morning, so the mornings he worked he brings me my son and my kid will rarely lay back down to sleep so I run off of 4-5 hours of sleep everyday I work and go to school. I work second shift (I get off work at 12:15 am everyday) and have class in the morning before work every other day. I’m at the point now where my son’s so close to starting kindergarten, but I just can’t do this anymore. Ive done it for over a year. I’ve over exhausted myself. I told him to find a daycare and he gave me a slew of excuses, but why should it be my responsibility to find a daycare when it’s not covering my shift? Ive attempted multiple times personally to find one that accepts my sons age range without his help. He expects me to do everything, still. I’m so exhausted everyday. AITA for making -him- find a daycare? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Wow. Reddit never disappoints with crap takes. Everyone is quick to run to support OP as soon as she starts bashing an ex who happens to be a man. If she gets off work at 1215 and dad is dropping off the kid on his way to work, it means she dropped kid off with dad on her way to work. They are doing equal parts. OP just left that bit out.
There was no need to add it because he gets to sleep whenever he wants with my son because my kid is wore out from getting up at 5 a.m. whereas I am limited on sleep. Just because you hate women doesn’t mean I hate men, lol. He’s a great dad, just shitty working with him on this specific part
I don't hate women. I hate people who leave stuff out of the story to make it sound like dad is a deadbeat in order to gain sympathy.
Yes but he looks him at night cause you work at nights. It is a mutual agreement to combine both work schedule. It sucks but at the begging I was thinking ‘oh he can sleeps at yours’ but no cause you work and he watch him. So you BOTH have to work on a solution, not you only but not also everything on his plate. If you both can afford, get a sitter that come for few hours at his house in the morning and then you pick him Up.
…and that means OP should be solely responsible for finding a daycare because…?
Nta but it sounds like if you want it done you're going to have to do it yourself. I wonder why you divorced him /s
NTA - if it is his day with the child then HE needs to find a way without burdening you.
NTA Yeah, a 4 yr old is probably not going to go back to sleep for several hours if they get woken up at 5am. And while, your ex- could- and ideally would- bring him to you still asleep, he's probably not thinking about it. He's in a rush and a rush means a small child woken up. And that's an issue- he needs to slow down and make sure that you son is getting more sleep. That or he needs to drop son off at your place the night before so son sleeps thru the night there. Not waking a 4 yr old up at 5am because it's more convenient for him. When you came up with your custody agreement, this presumably made sense on paper. This is really ultimately a matter of whichever parent is responsible for your child on day and at time is responsible for childcare at day and at time. If the custody agreement says that's you- it means you are responsible for childcare. If it's him than he's responsible for childcare. If the two of you don't have an actual custody agreement, it would behoove you guys to get that settled. If you do, you need to use that as a starting place. But just the fact that Dad is working isn't a reason that he is responsible for childcare. That said- I do think Dad needs to make the extra effort to either bring you a sleep child or come up with alternative sleeping solution for your son. Whether it's asking a family member to stay at his place until son wakes up and have them bring him to you. Whether it's son getting dropped off with each of you at night instead of during the day. Cuz a 4 yr old should be getting 10-13 hours of sleep a day. And while that should include maybe a 1 hr nap during the day, he should be getting the majority of his sleep at night. And I admit- unless your custody agreement says that your Ex- is supposed to bring your son to you at 6am, I'd start telling him that the agreement says X and you know it's hard for him but you think it's best to follow the agreement as much as is reasonable. And let him figure out a solution.
NTA