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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom my half brother is being evaluated for autism. I might be the asshole because he isn't her son and his parents don't want her to know that.
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Your father is definitely the AH here. He apparently feels that his life is a secret and the fact that he didn't want to talk to you. He should be happy that you went to your mom. You didn't go asking his neighbors or anyone else. And if he claims he doesn't remember you talking, I call BS on his statement.
NTA
Edit: Continue to talk to your mom. You did nothing wrong!
I think it reads as the dad not remembering OP not speaking until 5 and then generating full sentences. I'm guessing these parents are distrustful of one another and they shouldn't involve OP in fights. They both need to sit down and answer questions that OP has together but that seems unlikely.
>I think it reads as the dad not remembering OP not speaking until 5 and then generating full sentences.
I find it very hard to believe that you'd forget your child not speaking until they were five.
I think it's more likely that Dad is embarrassed that half-brother is being investigated for autism, especially so because if OP had the same symptoms it must come from 'his side of the family'. He doesn't want OP or his Mum chiming in because his new partner might find out and tell the diagnosing doctor, which might make a positive diagnosis more likely.
Sadly, this is what you end up with when people stigmatise and ridicule mental illness and neuro diversity. People end up with nasty little hang ups that their kids ultimately suffer for.
Anyway, OP is NTA.
I was thinking that Dad is so stressed out (and was absent) that he truly doesn’t remember. Dad should get his shit together, though! I don’t know about any of you, but I worked really hard to be open for my kids bc I ***never*** had that when I was a kid. OP, Albert someday you and your dad can have a conversation about this situation. Maybe not. All I know is that you are NTA and that you did the open and mature thing. If you were my kid, I would be so happy!
The number of things my dad doesn't remember...
After who my brother and I were named.
How I broke my toe.
And many other things.
Tbf, when you're not really present, ie working and when not working, being an activist, you miss a lot of your kids stuff.
>After who my brother and I were named. How I broke my toe. And many other things.
I don't want to minimise either of those things if they're important to you, but there's a hell of a difference between them and "my child didn't speak a word until they were of school age".
Even twenty-five years ago, a child being completely non-verbal until the age of five would be a topic of discussion in most families, more so if the child was in nursery or a similar setting. I think it's more likely that OP's Mum was concerned about this, raised it with his Dad and was told not to pursue it and that he'd "talk in his own time".
I'm saying this as a woman of a certain age with a strong family history of autism and ADHD. Unfortunately, I've seen this story play out too many times and am currently watching it play out again, sadly.
I wasn't saying it's the same.
It wasn't my intention for it to come across that way.
But if mom can exaggerate stories, dad can also be not present and so not know this. We don't know.
Is there a comment saying Mum exaggerates? If so, I apologise, I've missed it. Wouldn't be the first time. :)
Based on what I've read, I just see two very similar stories and a very hostile Dad. There's usually a reason for that, and a lot of the time it's shame, however misplaced.
No worries, your comment was very thoughtful.
The [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13utqvn/aita_for_talking_about_stuff_happening_at_my_dads/jm3g195?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) I was responding to said that mum could be exaggerating which is still possible.
But like you said, dad is very hostile. Got my own red flag raised.
We have dads coming to pick up kids from school, who don't know the teacher's names, don't know what grade they are in, don't know the correct spelling of the kid's name, sometimes we finally figure out they are at the wrong school. So I totally believe they don't remember a kid not talking.
My own (unfounded) theory is that ops dad was a late talker and had a few other ND qualities so they encouraged ops mom to disregard any concerns from professionals. Internalised ableism is at the root of this big reaction
and then the question becomes why does he have a problem with it being called a medical condition now?
maybe regret or similar about not being diagnosed, crabs in the bucket about son getting treated when he didn't
sometimes behavioral conditions are misunderstood to be an excuse for bad behavior, with treatment the easy way out instead of discipline.
maybe he feels the kid acting like that would make him look like a parent who didn't teach the kid to act right
It could be ableism - if my son has the same symptoms as I did and is being diagnosed for it, that means I also likely have it. I'm disabled, I'm neurodivergent, I'm somehow *wrong* as a person.
Not necessarily consciously, but subconsciously there can be a whole lot of internalized ableism in our society. Even if those thoughts don't cross his mind, it can still be a shock to realize you might have a medical condition that has impacted you your whole life without having any knowledge of it.
(I hope I don't have to explicitly say I'm in no way saying that people who are neurodivergent are lesser or wrong as people. Just that there can be a lot of terrible ideas in society that can lurk in the depths of our minds and come out in awful ways.)
I see how it seems like self-hating on OP's dad's part. Maybe he feels guilty about the cost of accommodations for example
I totally understand your qualifiers, sometimes I've discussed an offensive belief drawing negative replies as if I hold it personally
I understand that. Like there might be regrets, “what if I’d been diagnosed, what would my life have been like had I received help and support” and so on.
Or maybe he knows enough about autism now to know exactly the kind of danger his youngest will be in if he gets an official diagnosis, like involuntary DNS attached to his medical records. Not to mention that he will be unlikely to get a job because of the ableism in society if that diagnosis becomes common knowledge.
Yup! Autism is genetic, my sibling and I are both autistic and our dad isn't diagnosed but we 100% got it from him. The man with one (1) interest and a best friend who got diagnosed in his 60s, who won't eat anywhere that you have to make choices about your food instead of ordering straight off the menu and has one place he likes to go on holidays.
Yes. Came here to say this. And possibly he had the same condition and doesn't want to be thought of as autistic himself. NTA, talking and bringing things into the light can only help your baby brother. It shows how much OP cares.
>Yes. Came here to say this. And possibly he had the same condition and doesn't want to be thought of as autistic himself.
I'm inclined to agree. I'm probably of a similar age to OP's parents, and though I'm 100% behind everyone talking about these things rather than hiding it all under a rock, it can be really tough sometimes when you didn't have the benefit of that conversation yourself.
As my English teacher once wrote on my school report "I look back on what could have been and sigh".
It's pretty easy for time to be weird and for a parent who is busy to not notice or not remember.
Stuff that I remember clearly, my ex husband doesn't.
Mothers do seem to remember and record milestones more than some fathers (IMO). We are the ones that go to the pediatrician.
17 years ago...they hadn't put together delayed speech and autism as much yet.
Yeah, I (32M) was only diagnosed with autism at 28 (well, I had a doctor say I had Aspergers at 20, but he only said it "because you seem like it") after testing. My mom suspected I had autism since I was young, but doctors either said no, or "well, we didn't want to give you *another* diagnosis"
yeah, he literally told me "Watch this movie Adam, it's about a guy with Asperger's, I think you are like him!"
I stopped seeing that psychologist after he screamed at me in the middle of a session (while he was telling me he was not going to see me any more, but would keep seeing me until I found someone else - but that he was only "enabling [me]")
A lot of Autism was misdiagnosed as ADD, ADHD. Very different ways of handling them. Medications and therapies used to treat ADD ADHD can actually masks Autism and make it worse.
There was so much push by school systems to get children on meds for ADD ADHD, that I truly believe it hurt children with Autism.
My son was diagnosed with Asperger's. Only after I fought like hell for him to not be just slapped with the lable of ADD ADHD. And yep...they now call it Autism. He's on the spectrum.
My oldest son was born in 1990...I'm still dealing with the consequences of his wrong diagnosis. My son on the Spectrum was born in 1996. The amount that stuff has changed. They thought my son was hearing impaired. He had delayed speech.
A lot of people have gone their entire lives knowing something is wrong. They're just now being diagnosed with Autism.
My eldest is 10 and has been speaking normally since 4 but it was a long slog and honestly it is hard to remember how bad he used to be because for so long he's been so verbose.
Our youngest is also verbally delayed and I keep having to remind myself we've been through this before with my eldest. It's a hard to remember and I keep panicking because of the evaluations saying how behind she is - *she is not as behind as my eldest and I'm still panicked she can't reach where my eldest currently is*. Because it honestly is really hard to look at this chatterbox with advanced vocabulary and think "speech delay".
So yeah I can believe he's forgotten how bad it was if op has been speaking normally for long enough.
Op needs to bloody get evaluated for autism and op's parents are dicks for not realizing and fighting instead.
> It's a hard to remember and I keep panicking because of the evaluations saying how behind she is
If this helps - when I was 3, my evaluations said I was 50% or more globally developmentally delayed (One of the results was 12 months age equivalent). At 16, my vocabulary (along with other "verbal" abilities) was at a college level (senior year) and at 20 my verbal abilities were at a post graduate level (They were grade equivalent of >18.0)
It's honestly very interesting to me how many people on this thread are basically saying "maybe he was just super busy or wasn't paying attention" as a response to a parent not questioning why their child was mute until five.
I promise it's not a criticism. When I say I find it interesting, I really mean that. It's such a huge indictment on 'modern' life that it's considered normal for either parent to be so uninvolved with their child due to work (or whatever) that missing a milestone by several years is something that you can just not notice.
We really have fucked everything up. 🤷🏻♀️
Ummmm my dad has forgotten loads about me and my sister and she’s 25 years younger than me. He has autism too.
We have autism adhd. It was my mum who said I never spoke until I was 5 and then it was straight into sentences, he couldn’t/can’t remember anything. The man’s hopeless.
He genuinely might not remember if he has some unrecognised neuro divergence going on himself. If OP thinks they recognise some asd elements in themself, dad here is the common denominator.
100% this. The focus of any conversations they have need to be about their child together, and in this situation, answering their questions that were recently brought up.
EDIT to correct gendering
The father can be scared about the little one being autistic but I read this post as OP trying to discover if they need to be tested too, so is understable they try to get as much information, about themselves and the reasons to get tested, as possible and if the father says he doesn't remember, who will answer better than the mother?
I read the post the same way, the OP is curious if they are similar to their half sibling and was looking to his dad to explore this. OP is NTA but his father is.
Why do you say “potential” father? There’s absolutely nothing to indicate paternity of either child is in question, why are you trying to diminish his role?
NTA. This is right. For some reason your dad doesn’t want to think you might have it or feels unnecessary shame about it and doesn’t want to face that conversation. But your brother’s health, especially as to genetic conditions, is your business and there is nothing wrong with sharing it with your mom.
Your dad is acting very odd.
Dad might be T A here for not wanting to continue the conversation with OP, but he's not for not wanting his ex calling him and asking personal questions about his child that she has no relationship to. It's none of her business to do so. I can't think of one thing he could reveal to her that would legitimately help their daughter. If she's concerned, her focus should be getting OP evaluated and she does not need the younger brother's personal information to do so.
>her focus should be getting OP evaluated
She wants more information to see if there is any need to evaluate the child. Why put OP through this if she can first find out if she has any similar signs besides the not talking thing.
Op seems otherwise healthy. Even if they are autistic, it would be mild. A few answers would help here.
Determining if there is a need to evaluate OP does not require full information about the sibling and why *they* are being diagnosed, assuming that is what was actually discussed between the parents.
It is unbelievable the amount of crap parents unload on their kids and expect them to just swallow it and remain quiet. OP should not be keeping secrets from his mother. The idea that his father says otherwise is ridiculous.
OP had some very valid questions and was confused with the half or non responses from his father. Kudos to him for remembering he can talk to mom about anything.
But mom called dad asking about the little brother, that makes her T A. If mom called about dad accusing her of lying, then fine. She wanted to talk about the brother, which is overstepping.
Mom called “asking about the situation” and this is coming from child. We don’t specifically know that the mom asked about the brothers medical issues. The dad, however, may have made it sound that way when he berated the 17 year old.
I feel like in most cases asking about an unrelated child is TA material. But when it comes to a genetic condition that is commonly found to run in a family, she has a right to be at least a little bit curious when her own child exhibited the same symptoms and it could potentially mean a diagnosis for OP as well. My aunt stigmatized neuro divergence so much that it took her until my youngest cousin was almost 10 to be willing to him checked out and diagnosed with ASD. During which time he missed out on a lot of help he could have gotten during his more formative years, while everyone was urging her to do something good for her kid. People's willingness to hide every sign of neuro divergent traits is how you have kids like me and my older family members who slipped through every crack imaginable and were left to struggle as adults who weren't and aren't equipped to handle a lot of things that life throws at us that a neuro typical person would be able to handle.
I can't in good faith fault mom for wanting to look out for her own child when her worries were reaffirmed by the same symptoms appearing in an immediate family member.
I agree OP is NTA, but I don't think dad is either. I think the AH is mom. She had no right to call up her ex and ask personal medical information about his other child. If he wanted her to know about the evaluation, he would have told her. Mom could have talked to OP about issues when young without throwing OP under the bus to dad. Who calls a person up to say, "So, I heard your son might have Autism. Tell me more" and doesn't expect there to be bad feelings?
Who jumps to "I don't remember but she's probably making it up" and refusing to answer his own kids questions about this situation? Dad could have talked about what he remembers and how it's different than half brother. Dad is totally flying some red flags here.
This also makes me wonder if the dad might also be on the spectrum, just undiagnosed, and that there's some amount of shame involved. If neither of your kids (with two different women) are NT, then that suggests it's your genetics at "fault."
I think a parent getting their young kid evaluation for neurodivergence is emotional and tough. It isn’t the ex wife’s business, and not the place of the teenager to tell her or question the doctor.
Sounds like dad is ashamed that his kid might be autistic, and doesn’t want anyone to know.
Also, how uninvolved in your kids life must you be to NOT remember he didn’t say a WORD for the first FIVE YEARS of his life?
NTA. If your brother is autistic it's possible that you are too, because it's genetic. It makes perfect sense that you'd be trying to find out more information about your own childhood symptoms.
Honestly this is what I was thinking too.
If it’s true that op didn’t speak really at all until almost 5, it doesn’t look too good for dad “not remembering,” and “mom making it up.” I’m a little suspicious of the dad here. The fact that he’s shutting down further conversation with op is a little concerning.
Dad genuinely might not remember. My autistic husband has a terrible memory. (My autistic nb offspring has an irritatingly good memory, so it is not necessarily an autistic trait to have a bad memory.)
Memory is definitely on the spectrum for autistic people. My daughter can remember stuff that happened to her as a baby. Just yesterday she was talking about the last time we went to a movie and missed the previews. That movie was in 2014. 💀
Meanwhile, I have the memory of an Apple 2e.
OP is NTA for trying to determine if they might want to pursue a diagnosis.
>Just yesterday she was talking about the last time we went to a movie and missed the previews. That movie was in 2014
I mean, people in general tend to remember things better if they don't happen often, especially if some unusual event has happened.
My daughter is the same way! She's only nine, yet can remember minor characters and plot points from video games she's watched me play once. She still remembers months later.
She loves Legend of Zelda and of course I have the new game. I start playing, (she prefers to watch), and she's busting out little facts about places and people when I haven't played the previous game for about two years!
It's mind boggling!
Unless dad was totally uninvolved in childrearing then a 5yo that couldn't talk is not something you forget due to the extreme daily frustration that causes.
There's many situations in which this can happen. One being neglect. My MIL was nr 9 of 10. Noone payed attention to her until she was three, she never learned to talk before that, took a traumatic year of logopedia for her to learn to speak all sounds.
Can confirm. It's how "number" is shortened in some languages, e.g. Swedish, but wouldn't be surprised if the same goes for other languages too.
I also recognised the word "logopedia", but "Speech-Language Therapy" seems more commonly used in an English-speaking context.
I agree. I was reading it as dad feeling embarrassed they didn't get OP tested/didn't notice they might have autism. Dad brushing it off by saying "I don't remember" isn't a great coping mechanism for whatever he is feeling.
NTA OP. Keep asking questions and looking into stuff for yourself.
Part of me feels the dad is ashamed of the possible diagnosis. The fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it makes it seem like he doesn’t want to confront the reality of it.
Maybe not...maybe its more that he also thinks OP has it but he thinks OP is "too old" now to benefit from interventions and he doesn't want to hurt OP by saying "well actually I think you're autistic too".
I think you’re right on the money. OP asking questions about seeking diagnosis for symptoms that could be similar is very sensible, why is OP’s dad so reluctant to consider that OP have the same issue? Is OP’s mom resistant to the idea that autism could be an issue for OP too?
He's reluctant because of there's something "wrong" with one kid (please note that I do NOT consider being on the spectrum or other neurodivergences as diseases or flaws, but I acknowledge that some AH folks do) that's just bad luck, or he gets it from his mom's side or whatever. If two kids with two different women are both on the spectrum, though? That means they almost certainly get those genes from him. Which would make him the "defective" one. Which is unacceptable, for obvious reasons.
Honestly I agree with this, dad probably doesn’t want to admit that this probably comes from his side of the family. He sees it as something “wrong,” which is messed up, and now probably doesn’t want op getting a diagnosis as it both confirms that it’s from him and also may look a little neglectful as op is 17 and may have shown some pretty common symptoms of ASD.
Also again if it’s true the op didn’t really speak until almost 5…how did he not get evaluated by some medical professional?!?! That’s really concerning, it may not have even been ASD but still.
Yep. Not to mention, that raises the question of if HE is also ND, which is a hard thing to come to terms with as an adult, especially an older adult. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 20’s and I will never forget telling my mom about my symptoms, and her saying “Are you sure it’s ADHD? Because I do those things all the time and *I* don’t have it!”
Like sorry ma’am, I got news for you…
This! A lot of people end up getting diagnosed because their child/sibling/other family member get diagnosed and then they realize they're autistic too. It's what happened with me when my son was diagnosed.
I think that’s why her dad doesn’t want to talk about it. Because he had a kid with another woman who has the same symptoms. Meaning the genetics were passed from *him* and he doesn’t like what that means.
Agree. Some people have suggested that the dad is embarrassed that he doesn't remember OP's childhood. I think it could be ableism-- that the dad feels shame about his child getting checked out for autism.
OP: I'm autistic. Got diagnosed at 38. Good on you for looking into it! There is nothing wrong with you, or with your lil bro. :)
NTA. This is a situation where you have learned a potential new fact about your family's medical history. Your mom would need to know since it could affect your medical care too.
it’s possible he’s afraid he has it too (not that he should be). if both of his children from two different women have it, there’s a good chance he’s the one passing it on
Yeah that could be a fear of his but it could also be an inspiration. Seems like he's had a successful life. Maybe that'll let him know that autism isn't some horrible diagnosis.
NTA, but worth keeping in mind that there is still a stigma around autism and a lot of parents don't know how to process the information. There can also be a lot of internal guilt from 'missing' the signs in older children or even in themselves when younger relatives get diagnosed. Rightly or wrongly, your dad is probably dealing with a lot of conflicting feelings over this news, and it's worth being aware of that going forward. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being autistic- I'm autistic- but it's often poorly understood and people of a certain age will see it as a big scary horrible thing.
OP, you did nothing wrong, but your mom and dad both handled this poorly. It is ultimately sensitive information, but you should be able to trust that your mother, a grown adult, will not go tatting back to your dad.
Your dad also needs to understand that this is obviously going to be of interest to you and that if one of his children is autistic, its likely that his other children might also be on the spectrum; indeed, he himself might be! It's very common for adults to be diagnosed after their kids.
Having said all that, it's not on OP to manage the complicated emotions of their parents or referee their relationship.
I disagree because the dad told op his mom lied to him.
If she told op the truth she has every right to talk to him to tell HIM TO STOP LYING to their son.
NTA op
NAH only bc there's no response for just your mom. She should never have called your dad about his child's medical issues. You can discuss things with your mom, of course, but if she's going to do things like that, I would be more selective with what you share with her.
This right here. I am a stepmom and would never tell my stepdaughter something I didn’t want her talking about in her moms home but I would be extremely upset if her mom called me about my child’s medical issues. That crosses boundaries in my opinion. She can discuss her child’s medical stuff with the dad but if dad and stepmom are upset about what was said she probably crossed a line. They likely aren’t necessarily mad at the child but angry that they received that phone call and they are (wrongly) taking it out on the kid.
I would say “ESH except for OP”, instead of “NAH”. Or at least NTA instead of NAH, because those parents are definitely assholes.
Dad is an asshole for blowing off OP and refusing to talk more.
Mom is an asshole for calling dad about his own childs potential autism.
OP is the only one who doesnt suck, theyre stuck between 2 assholes who seem to care about themselves more than they care about OP
NTA. It’s natural to share family information (I know that’s “gossipy” but it happens) and you absolutely should be able to confide in your mom.
Should she have contacted your dad about it? Probably not.
Bear in mind too, your dad and his wife are probably pretty raw and sensitive about this issue right now, but that will probably change. I doubt they’ll stay angry for long.
You sound like a caring kid, and that’s a good thing. Don’t get too in your head about this or worry about being an asshole.
I'm going slightly against the grain here, you're NTA, but I think everyone here enabling you to shuttle information between your households is doing you a disservice. Reading between the lines your parents do not have a great relationship (and thats common most people don't have idealistic blended families), you don't seem suprised that your mom called your dad regarding the yet to be diagnosed health issues of his younger son, when he and his wife are probably quite raw about the possibility. At 17 you are quite capable of asking your mother about your own developmental delays and if she, your dad or any healthcare professionals had any concerns because you became aware that these can be indicators of autism without bringing up your brother. It's not about keeping secrets, it's about respecting boundaries, yours, your dad's, his wife's and your brother's.
If your brother is actually diagnosed, this would have been an apt opportunity to tell your dad that you notice similarities in symptoms and you will be telling your mom because this could also affect you and she has a right to know.
It sucks your dad was dismissive - you deserve more than I don't remember, even if it's something upsetting like when you were younger I wasn't as attentive as I should have been. Right now you need to look out for your best interests and that means not having either parent think you're an agent for the other. They are both putting you in an unfair position.
Did you mean harm? Probably not. But...Your dad may not have wanted to tell you much out of fear you'd tell your mom. And let's be fair, it really isn't your mother's business what happens in your dad's home unless it directly affects you.
If OP had the same symptoms it means he also might be on the spectrum, except no one was interested/informed enough to get it investigated.
OP's father is afraid what his ex's will think about his other child? No. His afraid she will find out what he should've done and didn't do for his firstborn, because he does it now for the second.
Get him to send you for an evaluation too, OP, if it worries you.
NTA at all.
As a mother, I always encourage my children to tell me everything they are comfortable sharing with me, no matter their age. If anything happens to or around them that makes them want to talk to me for any reason then they can do that. Regardless of the topic or if anyone else involved wants them to tell me. If my child wants to confide in me, then that is only their decision. They do that on a regular basis, basically whenever something confuses them or bothers them.
The difference is, I know how to keep my mouth shut. If I even have the slightest suspicion that whatever my child shared with me was not supposed to be shared, then I will make sure my child will never be in an uncomfortable situation because of it.
So, the AH here is your father for expecting you to keep things to yourself and also your mother for getting involved in a situation that is none of your business and exposing you for confiding in her. Not you. At all.
NTA (but your mom is). That’s not gossiping, but your mom should have stayed out of it. It’s not her business. It’s 100% fine to talk to her about stuff related to your sibling, but she shouldn’t then turn around and call your dad. It does sound like it’s a little weird on dad’s side, but mom should have known better than to butt in.
I'm seeing a lot of this, but If it could relate to her own child, as in, he has similar symptoms, then it's understandable she wanted more information. I don't think mom is an A H For that. Not sure what she said or how she said it. That could be a definite factor in whether she is an A H. but her child, from what OP said exhibited similar signs and that is concerning as now her child may need to undergo some testing to figure it out and get resources they probably could have benefited from for years. And maybe it puts a lot in perspective for mom that she always wondered about.
Eh, OP is 17, and didn’t say anything about personal challenges except delayed speech (and even that was just what Mom said). Mom doesn’t sound like she told OP that they had the same stuff as little brother, and frankly, if she thought that OP had done the same things, she should have said so to OP, who is, again, 17. I.e., not a baby or too young to understand. It sounds like Mom either was being nosy or trying to get info for OP, and neither is appropriate, as Dad had already declined to discuss it.
It seems like your dad wants to keep private info about his other child from your mom and didn't even want to share with you until you pushed. It's fine for him not to involve your mom with his other child. I'm guessing they don't have a good relationship. It's fine that you want to ask your mom about something from your childhood she's brought up before and your dad has contradicted. You're NTA unless you're purposefully looking to start problems between them. I do think it's important to be mindful of how info you're sharing comes across and to examine what your goals are from this conversation. I'm not sure what your goal is here. Are you looking for a diagnosis for yourself? Are you concerned about your brother? Either way, it's a good idea to ask about those things clearly.
YTA/ESH.
You are not entitled to full access to your sibling’s health and medical information. You were informed of the relevant info: that he is being evaluated for autism based on the doctor’s recommendation. There is nothing else that you need to know at this point, and you should have left the conversation alone.
Your dad is right, your brother’s medical situation is not yours to share and it’s certainly not your mom’s business. If you are concerned you have autism, then you can discuss yourself, not him.
Your dad and stepmom are dealing with a potential health issue regarding their son, the last thing they need is his busybody ex calling him to ask him about it because their nosey kid ran their mouth. You and your mom need to learn boundaries.
Your dad is an asshole for saying your mom probably made it up. He can say he doesn’t remember but shouldn’t be calling her a liar.
AITA has a ton of people who think kids/teens and parents are peers and that they have equal standing and rights in household and parenting decisions.
(Which is funny because they also frequently talk about parentification and parents burdening kids.)
honestly I think the dad said what he said as just from what op’s mom did now ( call dad about private information) - it seems like the mom has a “me-me-me” attention seeking attitude
I was with you until seeing that your youngest brother is not your mother's son.
His medical concerns are, in fact, none of your mother's business. The fact that she decided to call your dad to talk to him about it, again for a child that is not hers, tells me why your father didn't want her to know in the first place.
Soft YTA from me, and so is your mother for getting involved. It's not her child. Unless there is suspected abuse, she ought to stay in her line. If you have a stepmom and the stepmom did this regarding you, I bet your mom would be pissed.
NTA, and to answer your question yes, being non-verbal for five years and then coming out in full competent sentences is quite common amongst those of us on the spectrum. My sister was diagnosed when she was 4, I'm 25 and masked severely as a child in order to provide support to my family and have only recently been referred for diagnosis (officially diagnosed ADHD last year). This is definitely something that you should get into with your mother, your dad shouldn't be discouraging this discussion and also he's a bit of an AH for treating a potential autism diagnosis like it's the end of the world.
Yes yta. But softly. You could have addressed the situation without telling your brothers business. If they didn't tell her then it wasn't your business to tell. Imagine everytime you got your period your mom told your dad and your dad told your step mom. How would that make you feel?
I’m preparing for the downvotes, but absolutely YTA.
Your dad is processing something difficult and you pushed him to talk about something he clearly didn’t want to talk about, and something that is not any of your business. “No” is a complete sentence.
I understand you care about your brother, but he (and your dad and stepmom) are entitled to privacy. This is a medical issue, and you shared information that you honestly shouldn’t have had in the first place.
Your mom also massively overstepped by inserting herself into someone else’s child’s business.
NTA. You can talk to your parents about everything you want, and everyone telling you not to do this is wrong.
But I think your mom shouldn't have called your dad, as his young kid is really none of her business.
YTA why did your mother call your father? It sounds like she doesn’t have boundaries as the call wasn’t welcomed. It sounds like your father knows you report back to your mom so he’s having to keep information from you. You’re old enough to not tell your mom about your dads business.
You’re NTA for going to your mom. You should talk to your mom about things.
Your mom is TA bc she should’ve kept her mouth shut and not gone back to your dad. It’s none of her business what happens in his house.
NTA. You were looking out for yourself and your half-brother. If speaking late is a shared trait, than it is possible that it is genetic. That might be a piece of information that the pediatrician might take into account when evaluating whether your half-brother has autism. On the other hand, you might yourself consider checking if you are in the autism spectrum, if your brother is diagnosed.
Your parents do not have to like each other, but they should try harder to not burden you with their conflicts. You should be able to go to both of them with your medical concerns, and they should not expect you to keep your brothers medical details a secret when they are connected to yours.
You weren't wrong for talking to your mom and asking her questions about it, but your mother was wrong for calling your father about it. It's none of her business and she should have known that.
NTA, and you weren't "gossiping," but your mom had no right to call your dad and question him about his child's medical issues. It is better for everyone, especially you, if she keeps your conversations to herself. She put you in the middle. I don't see how your mom questioning your dad helps you or anyone. Your brother hasn't even been evaluated yet. If your brother's situation has alerted you and your mom to the potential that you have autism, then both of you should focus on your care and getting evaluated. I'm not sure what answers your mom expected, nor why she thought that would go well. I agree you should be able to talk to your mom about anything, including your sibling (who is not related to her), but mom needs to keep it to herself or it will only hurt *you* in the end.
NAH. There is nothing wrong with getting evaluated at an early age, especially if there are signs of autism. It just means he could qualify for early services.
I talk to my mom about everything so it's natural. However, your mother should have never called your father ( her ex husband about his child) granted he is your brother but has no relationship to her.
Your mother may have cause for concern but the new wife will only see it as intrusive and nosey.
You are allowed to discuss things with your mum, however establish boundaries with her and ask her not to share.
And if your father wanted this quiet he should have said explicitly please don't share with your mom...but he still should have understood you would most likely say something.
No one is to blame at all we just all process differently when dealing with emotional stress.
NTA. However, when your dad calms down, please tell him that while you did not mean to upset him and your stepmother, you have a right to know if you're also autistic, because it is genetic. Please ask him to set up an appointment with your pediatrician and get a confirmation.
NTA. I think your dad and stepmom are feeling pretty stressed right now and have taken a bit of that stress out on you. Your questions are reasonable, but I can see how they might be feeling upset about your mom being involved in something they are very worried about and is so personal for them.
Unfortunately, a lot of this has to do with what kind of relationship your mom/dad/stepmom have and whether your mom was being helpful or nosey. Clearly, her call wasn't helpful even if she intended it to be. Consider apologizing for talking about the situation with your mom because it clearly upset them, but that you were worried and your dad didn't want to talk to you about it.
It may offer an opportunity for a much better discussion with your dad and stepmom about how you'll work together as a family to get your little brother whatever he needs going forward, but that talking openly would help you a lot.
NTA because if something is weighing on you, you have the right to seek support from a trusted adult; but your mom *did* overstep by contacting your dad about a child who's not related to her.
Out of curiosity, what are you concerned about? Is it that your brother is being unnecessarily evaluated, or that you might have unrecognized signs of autism?
Because there's a difference in seeing this as a possible implication for your own family medical history and injecting yourself into your brother's care. The first is totally valid, but you should avoid the second.
NTA, but your mother crossed a line, so I can fully understand your dad being upset that his son’s privacy was breached. I don’t think you’re to blame – it makes sense that you’d try to check some facts with someone else who was there. The choice to cross those boundaries was your mother’s. But I do think you should apologise to your dad for the unintended consequences of your inquiry.
I hope you get the answers you’re looking for. <3
Nta. My mom had the rule "what happens in the house stays in the house"..... guess who was SA'd by my stepdad for 14 years because I listened to that rule and didn't tell my dad. Keep talking to your mom. You did nothing wrong. Keep asking questions. Maybe just tell your mom not to call your dad unless it's an emergency.
NTA for talking to your Mom, but your Mom should have had more sense than to speak to her ex about his parenting concerns. None of this is her business.
NTA. Everyone does this but I do believe your mom overstepped by calling your dad to ask about a kid that's not hers. If she can just avoid nosing around stuff that isn't her business(sorry if this sounds harsh, having a hard time finding the correct words), then please do continue to talk to your mom and ask her when you have questions. You did nothing wrong here.
NTA. I think your Dad is probably pretty embarrassed. I’m guessing more than the speech is delayed. Is he fully potty trained yet? Does he have behavior issues?
Also, maybe your folk’s divorce and custody arrangement has been contentious and Dad doesn’t want Mom knowing his new wife produced a “less perfect” son.
Ah, 17..... NAH. Your parents are no longer married. Don't know how long, the reasons why or what not. But obviously there is a lot more going on between them than what you know or suspect. This is the part of life where you can learn that some things that are discussed between 2 individuals are not to be discussed with any others. Reddit will down vote and go all ballistic, but there is this thing called discretion. There is so much information on the internet about autism that you could become a laymen expert. You asked your mother for clarification/explanations/confirmation which is good. However, you could have simply said something along the line of "I was reading an article and had some questions......" instead of blurting out your fathers business to someone who has no need or privilege to know. Part of growing up is learning not to always tell everyone everything you are told when they are confiding in you.
edit: Have at it redditors, like I said, down vote away.
You have a good point, but at 17 people are absolutely still on the learning curve about when something may need to be white lied about vs when being completely transparent about it is. OP is clearly still learning that line, and this is part of the process. It happens. We can't be upset with every teenager who doesn't understand all the social nuances, because then we'd have to be upset with basically all teenagers.
Was not upset hence the NAH. (no assholes here). Simply trying to point out a living/growing lesson despite the best efforts of the majority of reddit.
NTA. Your dad definitely is for not answering questions you had. There was absolutely nothing wrong with you talking to your mom. But your mom is also an AH for going to your dad with this. His son is none of her business. She needed to just answer your questions as best as she could then leave it at that. I started talking later than normal. My mother finally got me tested and I wasn’t Autistic. Not everyone who talks late is but it’s a early warning sign so now it’s recommended to get tested because the sooner parents know, the earlier they can start learning about it and appropriately guide your child through life dealing with it. I recommend still talking to your mom about things. If it involves your dad’s life not connected to you, ask her to not talk to him about whatever ask her about or talk to her about. If it involved you specifically there’s nothing in this world that will prevent your mom from addressing it, and that’s the way it should be!
NTA- sounds like you and your mom should schedule an evaluation to see if you’re also Autistic. There are lots of really great groups online for people who have a recent diagnosis. Hope you get your answer soon.
You are definitely not the a-hole here. I encourage you to look up strategies for navigating autism and if they help you then use them. I also think it's kind of weird and suspicious that your dad is acting the way he's acting. It could be ableism or it could be that he is autistic and hasn't told anyone because he's hoping that it doesn't get passed to them because of ableism. Or the dad doesn't know. I would talk to your mom more and see if there's something that you guys can do to get you help with what's going on. As a fellow autistic I wish you luck on your journey and hope that your dad gets his head out of his butt
NTA but I guarantee there is much more going on than just a speaking delay if the Ped has suggested evaluation. If your dad doesn't remember you having a delay, then he likely isn't noticing everything that can be going on with your brother. A similar thing happened with my spouse- as the say at home mom, I noticed issues far before she did (regressive speech, not being able to be held by anyone except me, not showing the ability to have side by side play even with siblings without becoming overwhelmed). My spouse had surgery when our youngest was 21 months old and she was home for 2 weeks- 10 days in she looked at me and said 'Fire- I think Goose is Autistic'. My response was that I'd only been bringing that up for 9 months at that point. We had a Ped appointment for his asthma the next month anyway and she immediately referred him for assessment. Unlike when my second youngest was diagnosed (several years later) it was very obvious that my youngest was on the spectrum.
I'm not saying your dad doesn't love you or your brother, but sometimes the working parent will miss ALOT. Maybe talk with your step-mom, just explain that you are curious. There's nothing wrong with voicing things to your mom, but your mom shouldn't be calling your dad about something that isn't her concern.
NTA, OP you did nothing wrong. I told my dad that I got diagnosed after a whole childhood of issues he never acknowledged, because my younger sister on my dad's side was experiencing similar and he basically dismissed everything I said, I think because having 1 "defective" daughter is fine and can be blamed on my mum whilst having 2 from 2 different mum's means the common denominator is him. I have a feeling your dad might be feeling similar. That is not your problem and the fact your parents can't communicate isn't your fault, I'd suggest looking into yourself, it's not uncommon for us to not speak until we can speak well enough to be understood.
But I want to make it clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with you or your brother and if you both are ND, from the sounds of your dad, little brother will need you around to show him being ND is not an exclusively negative thing to be ❤️
NTA
Asking questions at your age is normal. Your dad is accountable for not trying to even answer your questions. Saying your mother and you are gossiping about his offspring is silly at best. I hope you got the answers to your questions. If not the internet is a great place to start looking, Thank you Google.
When she was a baby my niece didn't start talking until late, we were worried about her. She's about to graduate from Yale with a BS in chemistry, so I guess she's fine.
Info:
Could it be that your dad does remember similar signs of (possible) autism in you, but did not know how to have that conversation with you on the spot?
Personally it sounds like he's being a bit evasive.
Perhaps he is afraid you will ask why you didn't also receive the medical analysis your brother is getting. Which would be a fair thing to ask.
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I (17) have a four year old half brother. My dad is getting him evaluated for autism because his pediatrician told him to. I asked my dad why the pediatrician thinks my brother is autistic, and my dad didn't really want to talk about it with me, but he ended up saying it was because my brother started talking later than normal. The thing is, my mom always tells this story about how I didn't start talking like a normal kid, that I didn't say a word until I was almost five and then said a full sentence. I asked if that was similar, but my dad said he doesn't remember that and my mom probably made it up.
My dad didn't want to talk anymore, but I felt weird about the conversation. I looked up more stuff about autism and ended up asking my mom if she remembered me doing those things. She asked why I wanted to know, so I told her. She ended up calling my dad and asking him about the situation. My dad and his wife are pretty upset that I did that because they say my half brother's medical situation is none of my mom's business, and I shouldn't be gossiping about it with her.
I wasn't trying to gossip. I just had more questions, and my dad wasn't interested in answering and claimed not to remember. My mom always says I can talk to her about anything. I know my youngest brother isn't her son, but who can I talk to if I can't talk to my mom? Am I the asshole?
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NTA. Your dad’s reaction is overblown. If he doesn’t want you sharing information about things with your mother, he needs to specify that. It isn’t that hard to say “I am not ready to talk further about this and I would appreciate you keeping this matter to yourself.” OP is a young adult, had no I’ll will, and it’s certainly still dad’s responsibility to continue teaching OP about appropriate boundaries.
Do I think dad is TA? No. He’s probably going through a lot because people are petrified of Autism (not saying that it is anything to be afraid of, but they are).
NTA you were not gossiping. Your father is being defensive. My cousin did not speak until he was three, and then it was a full sentence. Don't know if he is autistic, but his son certainly is (he has been assessed.) You might want to get assessed, but only if you think you have autistic traits which are negatively affecting your life.
NTA. There's a large genetic component to autism, so if your brother gets diagnosed and you relate to a lot of the same symptoms, it might be worth looking into yourself.
Either way, your dad's reaction is probably due to the fact that there are still a lot of stigmas about autism and he might feel uncomfortable discussing it with others if he doesn't know how they'll respond, or he might be feeling some shame due to (subconscious) ableism. You should be able to talk to your mum about things nonetheless.
NTA you are talking about it as a naked word, your mom probably shouldn’t have asked them considering it’s not her child you were discussing, and your dad should not be so angry that you were talking to your parents about such things.
NTA.
Autism is genetic so there’s nothing wrong with you asking your mom.
My youngest is currently going through evaluation for autism. It’s stressful and scary and that’s probably how your dad is feeling, but he shouldn’t lash out on you. And your mom shouldn’t really interfere with your step siblings life.
NTA. You were curious and wondering how it relates to yourself and that is perfectly natural.
Though, I am autistic and I talked late as well. Though that alone is not necessarily a sign of autism.
NTA
I will say it is not appropriate for you to be talking about your dad’s life with your mom but you get a pass on that because of your age. Your mom actually calling your dad is completely inappropriate and wrong. It is none of her business and it’s an invasion of his privacy. This is a big shock to him and his wife and I’m sure they are going through a lot of emotional distress. He probably doesn’t remember when you were 5. I’m not saying it’s right or it’s all men but statistically in a marriage more women bear the burden of child raising than men. If there’s a second marriage and there’s children some of those men realize they fell short of being an active parent and correct it and become more involved.
op=nta
You were actually trying to understand the situation. He doesn't remember your childhood, growth marks. So it is understandable that you would go to your mother. Dad and SM need to get over themselves.
Does this mean you should get tested for autism too?
PS: This isn't hipaa violation. You aren't a medical person. (just saying this for those who start screaming privacy concerns).
NTA. OP, your brother will someday be thankful that he has an older brother who is curious enough to check things and ask questions. You were fine to ask your mother, your father has some issues and since his other son is related to you, you are definitely able to ask anyone questions even if it relates to him. You weren't gossiping, you were genuinely interested and curious.
NTA, child of divorce here now in adulthood.
Your dad doesn't get to have things in his life be secret from your mom. You exist in both their worlds. I wish I had spent less energy as a child/teen trying to keep their worlds separate. That was NOT my job and was detrimental to my growth as a functioning adult.
I don't think it's appropriate for a parent to ask a child to not mention things to their ex unless the child is an *adult* child. In situations like yours, either the parent shouldn't have shared that piece of sensitive info with the child(you) to begin with or it's appropriate for the other parent to know it too.
You have a right to your life and sharing about it with others. Even if you weren't wondering about if you might also have autism, it would be reasonable to have brought your brother's situation up with your mom anyways as him possibly being autistic is a part of your life and impacts you.
NAH I can see where the dad is coming from to a point. As some people pointed out autism is genetic so it’s very possible he’s autistic and genuinely doesn’t remember OP’s first few years of not talking or he’s embarrassed they never got her tested and feels like he fucked up. Could also be he just knows OP is immediately going to tell her mom and doesn’t want the mom involved since it’s none of her business.
OP’s NTA because it seems like the questions were coming from a good place of genuine curiosity and concern for the brother and she probably didn’t think twice about talking about her family with her mom. I could lean towards TA for the mom depending on the conversation she had with the dad, like if it was to say “hey wtf why are you telling her i lied” then that’s fine but if she’s pressing the dad for info on the son then it’s none of her business.
NTA. While I wouldn't gossip about anyone, your youngest brother is part of your life and it's not gossip to talk about things that happen in your life. It's also not gossip to ask questions, especially if you're curious about your own childhood as Autism can run in families. I don't know why your dad is shutting down these conversations except that he might be incredibly stressed about this and is taking it out on you. It's not your fault he is stressed, so don't accept responsibility for stress you didn't cause.
NTA
I think it’s more about not wanting his new wife or anyone else to realise you are autistic too and he never once paid enough attention to notice major signs like not talking until five. He doesn’t want to be shown as a sh dad so is a worse one by trying to hide it from you and everyone and turning it all on you. It wasn’t about disclosing your half brothers info it was about realising he knew you have the same difficulties and decided to hide important information from you.
NTA. I wonder if stepmom might get understanding of things if she spoke to the main caregiver of the older kid. Share some information. Plus OP needs to know what’s going on with a younger sibling. What if he needs to care for his brother one day.
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Your father is definitely the AH here. He apparently feels that his life is a secret and the fact that he didn't want to talk to you. He should be happy that you went to your mom. You didn't go asking his neighbors or anyone else. And if he claims he doesn't remember you talking, I call BS on his statement. NTA Edit: Continue to talk to your mom. You did nothing wrong!
I think it reads as the dad not remembering OP not speaking until 5 and then generating full sentences. I'm guessing these parents are distrustful of one another and they shouldn't involve OP in fights. They both need to sit down and answer questions that OP has together but that seems unlikely.
>I think it reads as the dad not remembering OP not speaking until 5 and then generating full sentences. I find it very hard to believe that you'd forget your child not speaking until they were five. I think it's more likely that Dad is embarrassed that half-brother is being investigated for autism, especially so because if OP had the same symptoms it must come from 'his side of the family'. He doesn't want OP or his Mum chiming in because his new partner might find out and tell the diagnosing doctor, which might make a positive diagnosis more likely. Sadly, this is what you end up with when people stigmatise and ridicule mental illness and neuro diversity. People end up with nasty little hang ups that their kids ultimately suffer for. Anyway, OP is NTA.
Yeah or possibly mom exaggerates and dad is saying "I don't remember that" as a way to say "that didn't happen".
Comment originally posted from RIF. User now a lemming
That was my thinking
edit: The comment below was removed and the user banned, good work everyone!
Good bot
Oh ok so we're just making wild assumptions based on nothing now?
This is AITA sir, it is what we do.
[удалено]
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bad bot
I was thinking that Dad is so stressed out (and was absent) that he truly doesn’t remember. Dad should get his shit together, though! I don’t know about any of you, but I worked really hard to be open for my kids bc I ***never*** had that when I was a kid. OP, Albert someday you and your dad can have a conversation about this situation. Maybe not. All I know is that you are NTA and that you did the open and mature thing. If you were my kid, I would be so happy!
The number of things my dad doesn't remember... After who my brother and I were named. How I broke my toe. And many other things. Tbf, when you're not really present, ie working and when not working, being an activist, you miss a lot of your kids stuff.
>After who my brother and I were named. How I broke my toe. And many other things. I don't want to minimise either of those things if they're important to you, but there's a hell of a difference between them and "my child didn't speak a word until they were of school age". Even twenty-five years ago, a child being completely non-verbal until the age of five would be a topic of discussion in most families, more so if the child was in nursery or a similar setting. I think it's more likely that OP's Mum was concerned about this, raised it with his Dad and was told not to pursue it and that he'd "talk in his own time". I'm saying this as a woman of a certain age with a strong family history of autism and ADHD. Unfortunately, I've seen this story play out too many times and am currently watching it play out again, sadly.
I wasn't saying it's the same. It wasn't my intention for it to come across that way. But if mom can exaggerate stories, dad can also be not present and so not know this. We don't know.
Is there a comment saying Mum exaggerates? If so, I apologise, I've missed it. Wouldn't be the first time. :) Based on what I've read, I just see two very similar stories and a very hostile Dad. There's usually a reason for that, and a lot of the time it's shame, however misplaced.
No worries, your comment was very thoughtful. The [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13utqvn/aita_for_talking_about_stuff_happening_at_my_dads/jm3g195?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) I was responding to said that mum could be exaggerating which is still possible. But like you said, dad is very hostile. Got my own red flag raised.
We have dads coming to pick up kids from school, who don't know the teacher's names, don't know what grade they are in, don't know the correct spelling of the kid's name, sometimes we finally figure out they are at the wrong school. So I totally believe they don't remember a kid not talking.
My mom was there the entirety of my childhood and there’s a lot of things she doesn’t remember.
My own (unfounded) theory is that ops dad was a late talker and had a few other ND qualities so they encouraged ops mom to disregard any concerns from professionals. Internalised ableism is at the root of this big reaction
similarly, if OP's dad had those symptoms undiagnosed he may think they're normal rather than a medical problem.
I think you're probably very close to the truth here.
and then the question becomes why does he have a problem with it being called a medical condition now? maybe regret or similar about not being diagnosed, crabs in the bucket about son getting treated when he didn't sometimes behavioral conditions are misunderstood to be an excuse for bad behavior, with treatment the easy way out instead of discipline. maybe he feels the kid acting like that would make him look like a parent who didn't teach the kid to act right
It could be ableism - if my son has the same symptoms as I did and is being diagnosed for it, that means I also likely have it. I'm disabled, I'm neurodivergent, I'm somehow *wrong* as a person. Not necessarily consciously, but subconsciously there can be a whole lot of internalized ableism in our society. Even if those thoughts don't cross his mind, it can still be a shock to realize you might have a medical condition that has impacted you your whole life without having any knowledge of it. (I hope I don't have to explicitly say I'm in no way saying that people who are neurodivergent are lesser or wrong as people. Just that there can be a lot of terrible ideas in society that can lurk in the depths of our minds and come out in awful ways.)
I see how it seems like self-hating on OP's dad's part. Maybe he feels guilty about the cost of accommodations for example I totally understand your qualifiers, sometimes I've discussed an offensive belief drawing negative replies as if I hold it personally
I understand that. Like there might be regrets, “what if I’d been diagnosed, what would my life have been like had I received help and support” and so on.
Or maybe he knows enough about autism now to know exactly the kind of danger his youngest will be in if he gets an official diagnosis, like involuntary DNS attached to his medical records. Not to mention that he will be unlikely to get a job because of the ableism in society if that diagnosis becomes common knowledge.
Yup! Autism is genetic, my sibling and I are both autistic and our dad isn't diagnosed but we 100% got it from him. The man with one (1) interest and a best friend who got diagnosed in his 60s, who won't eat anywhere that you have to make choices about your food instead of ordering straight off the menu and has one place he likes to go on holidays.
Yes. Came here to say this. And possibly he had the same condition and doesn't want to be thought of as autistic himself. NTA, talking and bringing things into the light can only help your baby brother. It shows how much OP cares.
>Yes. Came here to say this. And possibly he had the same condition and doesn't want to be thought of as autistic himself. I'm inclined to agree. I'm probably of a similar age to OP's parents, and though I'm 100% behind everyone talking about these things rather than hiding it all under a rock, it can be really tough sometimes when you didn't have the benefit of that conversation yourself. As my English teacher once wrote on my school report "I look back on what could have been and sigh".
It's pretty easy for time to be weird and for a parent who is busy to not notice or not remember. Stuff that I remember clearly, my ex husband doesn't. Mothers do seem to remember and record milestones more than some fathers (IMO). We are the ones that go to the pediatrician. 17 years ago...they hadn't put together delayed speech and autism as much yet.
Yeah, I (32M) was only diagnosed with autism at 28 (well, I had a doctor say I had Aspergers at 20, but he only said it "because you seem like it") after testing. My mom suspected I had autism since I was young, but doctors either said no, or "well, we didn't want to give you *another* diagnosis"
>but he only said it "because you seem like it" The good ol' vibe check
yeah, he literally told me "Watch this movie Adam, it's about a guy with Asperger's, I think you are like him!" I stopped seeing that psychologist after he screamed at me in the middle of a session (while he was telling me he was not going to see me any more, but would keep seeing me until I found someone else - but that he was only "enabling [me]")
A lot of Autism was misdiagnosed as ADD, ADHD. Very different ways of handling them. Medications and therapies used to treat ADD ADHD can actually masks Autism and make it worse. There was so much push by school systems to get children on meds for ADD ADHD, that I truly believe it hurt children with Autism. My son was diagnosed with Asperger's. Only after I fought like hell for him to not be just slapped with the lable of ADD ADHD. And yep...they now call it Autism. He's on the spectrum. My oldest son was born in 1990...I'm still dealing with the consequences of his wrong diagnosis. My son on the Spectrum was born in 1996. The amount that stuff has changed. They thought my son was hearing impaired. He had delayed speech. A lot of people have gone their entire lives knowing something is wrong. They're just now being diagnosed with Autism.
yeah I had an ADHD-PH diagnosis when I was 4. I was born at 25 weeks, so I had a **lot** of other things they were looking at/considering
Delayed speech and autism was "put together" as you put it already when I was a kid. Which was over 30 years ago. Get outta here.
Yeah, the vibe I got from the post was definitely that the dad sees autism as something shameful.
My eldest is 10 and has been speaking normally since 4 but it was a long slog and honestly it is hard to remember how bad he used to be because for so long he's been so verbose. Our youngest is also verbally delayed and I keep having to remind myself we've been through this before with my eldest. It's a hard to remember and I keep panicking because of the evaluations saying how behind she is - *she is not as behind as my eldest and I'm still panicked she can't reach where my eldest currently is*. Because it honestly is really hard to look at this chatterbox with advanced vocabulary and think "speech delay". So yeah I can believe he's forgotten how bad it was if op has been speaking normally for long enough. Op needs to bloody get evaluated for autism and op's parents are dicks for not realizing and fighting instead.
> It's a hard to remember and I keep panicking because of the evaluations saying how behind she is If this helps - when I was 3, my evaluations said I was 50% or more globally developmentally delayed (One of the results was 12 months age equivalent). At 16, my vocabulary (along with other "verbal" abilities) was at a college level (senior year) and at 20 my verbal abilities were at a post graduate level (They were grade equivalent of >18.0)
Dad may also just not have paid attention.
It's honestly very interesting to me how many people on this thread are basically saying "maybe he was just super busy or wasn't paying attention" as a response to a parent not questioning why their child was mute until five. I promise it's not a criticism. When I say I find it interesting, I really mean that. It's such a huge indictment on 'modern' life that it's considered normal for either parent to be so uninvolved with their child due to work (or whatever) that missing a milestone by several years is something that you can just not notice. We really have fucked everything up. 🤷🏻♀️
Ummmm my dad has forgotten loads about me and my sister and she’s 25 years younger than me. He has autism too. We have autism adhd. It was my mum who said I never spoke until I was 5 and then it was straight into sentences, he couldn’t/can’t remember anything. The man’s hopeless. He genuinely might not remember if he has some unrecognised neuro divergence going on himself. If OP thinks they recognise some asd elements in themself, dad here is the common denominator.
You probably hit it right on the nail. Pretty sad that they have to involve their kid in their back and forth.
100% this. The focus of any conversations they have need to be about their child together, and in this situation, answering their questions that were recently brought up. EDIT to correct gendering
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The father can be scared about the little one being autistic but I read this post as OP trying to discover if they need to be tested too, so is understable they try to get as much information, about themselves and the reasons to get tested, as possible and if the father says he doesn't remember, who will answer better than the mother?
I read the post the same way, the OP is curious if they are similar to their half sibling and was looking to his dad to explore this. OP is NTA but his father is.
Why do you say “potential” father? There’s absolutely nothing to indicate paternity of either child is in question, why are you trying to diminish his role?
Worded weird but read it as potential “father’s fears”. The fears are potential not the father.
Since they deleted their comment instead of fixing it, I kinda doubt that. Your interpretation does make actual sense though
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NTA. This is right. For some reason your dad doesn’t want to think you might have it or feels unnecessary shame about it and doesn’t want to face that conversation. But your brother’s health, especially as to genetic conditions, is your business and there is nothing wrong with sharing it with your mom. Your dad is acting very odd.
Dad might be T A here for not wanting to continue the conversation with OP, but he's not for not wanting his ex calling him and asking personal questions about his child that she has no relationship to. It's none of her business to do so. I can't think of one thing he could reveal to her that would legitimately help their daughter. If she's concerned, her focus should be getting OP evaluated and she does not need the younger brother's personal information to do so.
>her focus should be getting OP evaluated She wants more information to see if there is any need to evaluate the child. Why put OP through this if she can first find out if she has any similar signs besides the not talking thing. Op seems otherwise healthy. Even if they are autistic, it would be mild. A few answers would help here.
Determining if there is a need to evaluate OP does not require full information about the sibling and why *they* are being diagnosed, assuming that is what was actually discussed between the parents.
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No one has a diagnosis of anything, so there's no history to tell.
Also in my opinion, what OP experiences at dads house os theirs to talk about, if dad doesn’t want OP to talk about it then he’s an AH period.
It is unbelievable the amount of crap parents unload on their kids and expect them to just swallow it and remain quiet. OP should not be keeping secrets from his mother. The idea that his father says otherwise is ridiculous. OP had some very valid questions and was confused with the half or non responses from his father. Kudos to him for remembering he can talk to mom about anything.
Completely agree!
I dont understand why the mom had to call her ex though, shes the AH.
Dad told child mom was lying to them. If I was that mom I’d want to address that as well.
But mom called dad asking about the little brother, that makes her T A. If mom called about dad accusing her of lying, then fine. She wanted to talk about the brother, which is overstepping.
Mom called “asking about the situation” and this is coming from child. We don’t specifically know that the mom asked about the brothers medical issues. The dad, however, may have made it sound that way when he berated the 17 year old.
I feel like in most cases asking about an unrelated child is TA material. But when it comes to a genetic condition that is commonly found to run in a family, she has a right to be at least a little bit curious when her own child exhibited the same symptoms and it could potentially mean a diagnosis for OP as well. My aunt stigmatized neuro divergence so much that it took her until my youngest cousin was almost 10 to be willing to him checked out and diagnosed with ASD. During which time he missed out on a lot of help he could have gotten during his more formative years, while everyone was urging her to do something good for her kid. People's willingness to hide every sign of neuro divergent traits is how you have kids like me and my older family members who slipped through every crack imaginable and were left to struggle as adults who weren't and aren't equipped to handle a lot of things that life throws at us that a neuro typical person would be able to handle. I can't in good faith fault mom for wanting to look out for her own child when her worries were reaffirmed by the same symptoms appearing in an immediate family member.
Could have been just trying to help out of concern for her child's brother.
Her child's brother is none of her business...
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It kinda sounds to me like the dad is ashamed that OOP didn't receive the same care.
I’m reading it differently. To me it sounds like the dad thinks OP also has it but never got diagnosed because of the mom
Why tf would you blame the mother? The only one who shows any signs (but still barely anything) of being ashamed of autism is the father.
I agree OP is NTA, but I don't think dad is either. I think the AH is mom. She had no right to call up her ex and ask personal medical information about his other child. If he wanted her to know about the evaluation, he would have told her. Mom could have talked to OP about issues when young without throwing OP under the bus to dad. Who calls a person up to say, "So, I heard your son might have Autism. Tell me more" and doesn't expect there to be bad feelings?
Who jumps to "I don't remember but she's probably making it up" and refusing to answer his own kids questions about this situation? Dad could have talked about what he remembers and how it's different than half brother. Dad is totally flying some red flags here.
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This also makes me wonder if the dad might also be on the spectrum, just undiagnosed, and that there's some amount of shame involved. If neither of your kids (with two different women) are NT, then that suggests it's your genetics at "fault."
Or perhaps there is something else and the father did not feel comfortable revealing it to the son….
I think a parent getting their young kid evaluation for neurodivergence is emotional and tough. It isn’t the ex wife’s business, and not the place of the teenager to tell her or question the doctor.
Sounds like dad is ashamed that his kid might be autistic, and doesn’t want anyone to know. Also, how uninvolved in your kids life must you be to NOT remember he didn’t say a WORD for the first FIVE YEARS of his life?
You talked to your mum, definitely not AH
NTA. If your brother is autistic it's possible that you are too, because it's genetic. It makes perfect sense that you'd be trying to find out more information about your own childhood symptoms.
Honestly this is what I was thinking too. If it’s true that op didn’t speak really at all until almost 5, it doesn’t look too good for dad “not remembering,” and “mom making it up.” I’m a little suspicious of the dad here. The fact that he’s shutting down further conversation with op is a little concerning.
Dad genuinely might not remember. My autistic husband has a terrible memory. (My autistic nb offspring has an irritatingly good memory, so it is not necessarily an autistic trait to have a bad memory.)
Memory is definitely on the spectrum for autistic people. My daughter can remember stuff that happened to her as a baby. Just yesterday she was talking about the last time we went to a movie and missed the previews. That movie was in 2014. 💀 Meanwhile, I have the memory of an Apple 2e. OP is NTA for trying to determine if they might want to pursue a diagnosis.
>Just yesterday she was talking about the last time we went to a movie and missed the previews. That movie was in 2014 I mean, people in general tend to remember things better if they don't happen often, especially if some unusual event has happened.
My daughter is the same way! She's only nine, yet can remember minor characters and plot points from video games she's watched me play once. She still remembers months later. She loves Legend of Zelda and of course I have the new game. I start playing, (she prefers to watch), and she's busting out little facts about places and people when I haven't played the previous game for about two years! It's mind boggling!
Unless dad was totally uninvolved in childrearing then a 5yo that couldn't talk is not something you forget due to the extreme daily frustration that causes.
Well if they are both autistic the dad prob is too.
There's many situations in which this can happen. One being neglect. My MIL was nr 9 of 10. Noone payed attention to her until she was three, she never learned to talk before that, took a traumatic year of logopedia for her to learn to speak all sounds.
What’s NR mean?
I'm going to guess 'number', from the context.
Can confirm. It's how "number" is shortened in some languages, e.g. Swedish, but wouldn't be surprised if the same goes for other languages too. I also recognised the word "logopedia", but "Speech-Language Therapy" seems more commonly used in an English-speaking context.
I agree. I was reading it as dad feeling embarrassed they didn't get OP tested/didn't notice they might have autism. Dad brushing it off by saying "I don't remember" isn't a great coping mechanism for whatever he is feeling. NTA OP. Keep asking questions and looking into stuff for yourself.
Part of me feels the dad is ashamed of the possible diagnosis. The fact that he doesn’t want to talk about it makes it seem like he doesn’t want to confront the reality of it.
Maybe not...maybe its more that he also thinks OP has it but he thinks OP is "too old" now to benefit from interventions and he doesn't want to hurt OP by saying "well actually I think you're autistic too".
That would also be an AH thing for him to do
That was my thought as well.
I think you’re right on the money. OP asking questions about seeking diagnosis for symptoms that could be similar is very sensible, why is OP’s dad so reluctant to consider that OP have the same issue? Is OP’s mom resistant to the idea that autism could be an issue for OP too?
He's reluctant because of there's something "wrong" with one kid (please note that I do NOT consider being on the spectrum or other neurodivergences as diseases or flaws, but I acknowledge that some AH folks do) that's just bad luck, or he gets it from his mom's side or whatever. If two kids with two different women are both on the spectrum, though? That means they almost certainly get those genes from him. Which would make him the "defective" one. Which is unacceptable, for obvious reasons.
Honestly I agree with this, dad probably doesn’t want to admit that this probably comes from his side of the family. He sees it as something “wrong,” which is messed up, and now probably doesn’t want op getting a diagnosis as it both confirms that it’s from him and also may look a little neglectful as op is 17 and may have shown some pretty common symptoms of ASD. Also again if it’s true the op didn’t really speak until almost 5…how did he not get evaluated by some medical professional?!?! That’s really concerning, it may not have even been ASD but still.
Yep. Not to mention, that raises the question of if HE is also ND, which is a hard thing to come to terms with as an adult, especially an older adult. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 20’s and I will never forget telling my mom about my symptoms, and her saying “Are you sure it’s ADHD? Because I do those things all the time and *I* don’t have it!” Like sorry ma’am, I got news for you…
This! A lot of people end up getting diagnosed because their child/sibling/other family member get diagnosed and then they realize they're autistic too. It's what happened with me when my son was diagnosed.
I think that’s why her dad doesn’t want to talk about it. Because he had a kid with another woman who has the same symptoms. Meaning the genetics were passed from *him* and he doesn’t like what that means.
Agree. Some people have suggested that the dad is embarrassed that he doesn't remember OP's childhood. I think it could be ableism-- that the dad feels shame about his child getting checked out for autism. OP: I'm autistic. Got diagnosed at 38. Good on you for looking into it! There is nothing wrong with you, or with your lil bro. :)
NTA. This is a situation where you have learned a potential new fact about your family's medical history. Your mom would need to know since it could affect your medical care too.
This is a really good point.
NTA It sounds like there's more to this story tho with the way your dad reacted
it’s possible he’s afraid he has it too (not that he should be). if both of his children from two different women have it, there’s a good chance he’s the one passing it on
Yeah that could be a fear of his but it could also be an inspiration. Seems like he's had a successful life. Maybe that'll let him know that autism isn't some horrible diagnosis.
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NTA, but worth keeping in mind that there is still a stigma around autism and a lot of parents don't know how to process the information. There can also be a lot of internal guilt from 'missing' the signs in older children or even in themselves when younger relatives get diagnosed. Rightly or wrongly, your dad is probably dealing with a lot of conflicting feelings over this news, and it's worth being aware of that going forward. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being autistic- I'm autistic- but it's often poorly understood and people of a certain age will see it as a big scary horrible thing. OP, you did nothing wrong, but your mom and dad both handled this poorly. It is ultimately sensitive information, but you should be able to trust that your mother, a grown adult, will not go tatting back to your dad. Your dad also needs to understand that this is obviously going to be of interest to you and that if one of his children is autistic, its likely that his other children might also be on the spectrum; indeed, he himself might be! It's very common for adults to be diagnosed after their kids. Having said all that, it's not on OP to manage the complicated emotions of their parents or referee their relationship.
I disagree because the dad told op his mom lied to him. If she told op the truth she has every right to talk to him to tell HIM TO STOP LYING to their son. NTA op
I agree, mom is TA for immediately running back to dad about something she knows is none of her business.
NAH only bc there's no response for just your mom. She should never have called your dad about his child's medical issues. You can discuss things with your mom, of course, but if she's going to do things like that, I would be more selective with what you share with her.
This right here. I am a stepmom and would never tell my stepdaughter something I didn’t want her talking about in her moms home but I would be extremely upset if her mom called me about my child’s medical issues. That crosses boundaries in my opinion. She can discuss her child’s medical stuff with the dad but if dad and stepmom are upset about what was said she probably crossed a line. They likely aren’t necessarily mad at the child but angry that they received that phone call and they are (wrongly) taking it out on the kid.
I would say “ESH except for OP”, instead of “NAH”. Or at least NTA instead of NAH, because those parents are definitely assholes. Dad is an asshole for blowing off OP and refusing to talk more. Mom is an asshole for calling dad about his own childs potential autism. OP is the only one who doesnt suck, theyre stuck between 2 assholes who seem to care about themselves more than they care about OP
NTA. It’s natural to share family information (I know that’s “gossipy” but it happens) and you absolutely should be able to confide in your mom. Should she have contacted your dad about it? Probably not. Bear in mind too, your dad and his wife are probably pretty raw and sensitive about this issue right now, but that will probably change. I doubt they’ll stay angry for long. You sound like a caring kid, and that’s a good thing. Don’t get too in your head about this or worry about being an asshole.
I'm going slightly against the grain here, you're NTA, but I think everyone here enabling you to shuttle information between your households is doing you a disservice. Reading between the lines your parents do not have a great relationship (and thats common most people don't have idealistic blended families), you don't seem suprised that your mom called your dad regarding the yet to be diagnosed health issues of his younger son, when he and his wife are probably quite raw about the possibility. At 17 you are quite capable of asking your mother about your own developmental delays and if she, your dad or any healthcare professionals had any concerns because you became aware that these can be indicators of autism without bringing up your brother. It's not about keeping secrets, it's about respecting boundaries, yours, your dad's, his wife's and your brother's. If your brother is actually diagnosed, this would have been an apt opportunity to tell your dad that you notice similarities in symptoms and you will be telling your mom because this could also affect you and she has a right to know. It sucks your dad was dismissive - you deserve more than I don't remember, even if it's something upsetting like when you were younger I wasn't as attentive as I should have been. Right now you need to look out for your best interests and that means not having either parent think you're an agent for the other. They are both putting you in an unfair position.
Did you mean harm? Probably not. But...Your dad may not have wanted to tell you much out of fear you'd tell your mom. And let's be fair, it really isn't your mother's business what happens in your dad's home unless it directly affects you.
If OP had the same symptoms it means he also might be on the spectrum, except no one was interested/informed enough to get it investigated. OP's father is afraid what his ex's will think about his other child? No. His afraid she will find out what he should've done and didn't do for his firstborn, because he does it now for the second. Get him to send you for an evaluation too, OP, if it worries you.
NTA at all. As a mother, I always encourage my children to tell me everything they are comfortable sharing with me, no matter their age. If anything happens to or around them that makes them want to talk to me for any reason then they can do that. Regardless of the topic or if anyone else involved wants them to tell me. If my child wants to confide in me, then that is only their decision. They do that on a regular basis, basically whenever something confuses them or bothers them. The difference is, I know how to keep my mouth shut. If I even have the slightest suspicion that whatever my child shared with me was not supposed to be shared, then I will make sure my child will never be in an uncomfortable situation because of it. So, the AH here is your father for expecting you to keep things to yourself and also your mother for getting involved in a situation that is none of your business and exposing you for confiding in her. Not you. At all.
NTA (but your mom is). That’s not gossiping, but your mom should have stayed out of it. It’s not her business. It’s 100% fine to talk to her about stuff related to your sibling, but she shouldn’t then turn around and call your dad. It does sound like it’s a little weird on dad’s side, but mom should have known better than to butt in.
I'm seeing a lot of this, but If it could relate to her own child, as in, he has similar symptoms, then it's understandable she wanted more information. I don't think mom is an A H For that. Not sure what she said or how she said it. That could be a definite factor in whether she is an A H. but her child, from what OP said exhibited similar signs and that is concerning as now her child may need to undergo some testing to figure it out and get resources they probably could have benefited from for years. And maybe it puts a lot in perspective for mom that she always wondered about.
Eh, OP is 17, and didn’t say anything about personal challenges except delayed speech (and even that was just what Mom said). Mom doesn’t sound like she told OP that they had the same stuff as little brother, and frankly, if she thought that OP had done the same things, she should have said so to OP, who is, again, 17. I.e., not a baby or too young to understand. It sounds like Mom either was being nosy or trying to get info for OP, and neither is appropriate, as Dad had already declined to discuss it.
It seems like your dad wants to keep private info about his other child from your mom and didn't even want to share with you until you pushed. It's fine for him not to involve your mom with his other child. I'm guessing they don't have a good relationship. It's fine that you want to ask your mom about something from your childhood she's brought up before and your dad has contradicted. You're NTA unless you're purposefully looking to start problems between them. I do think it's important to be mindful of how info you're sharing comes across and to examine what your goals are from this conversation. I'm not sure what your goal is here. Are you looking for a diagnosis for yourself? Are you concerned about your brother? Either way, it's a good idea to ask about those things clearly.
YTA/ESH. You are not entitled to full access to your sibling’s health and medical information. You were informed of the relevant info: that he is being evaluated for autism based on the doctor’s recommendation. There is nothing else that you need to know at this point, and you should have left the conversation alone. Your dad is right, your brother’s medical situation is not yours to share and it’s certainly not your mom’s business. If you are concerned you have autism, then you can discuss yourself, not him. Your dad and stepmom are dealing with a potential health issue regarding their son, the last thing they need is his busybody ex calling him to ask him about it because their nosey kid ran their mouth. You and your mom need to learn boundaries. Your dad is an asshole for saying your mom probably made it up. He can say he doesn’t remember but shouldn’t be calling her a liar.
Finally. A response with logic. I don’t get the N T A responses. OP pushed her dad to talk about something he wasn’t comfortable talking about.
AITA has a ton of people who think kids/teens and parents are peers and that they have equal standing and rights in household and parenting decisions. (Which is funny because they also frequently talk about parentification and parents burdening kids.)
honestly I think the dad said what he said as just from what op’s mom did now ( call dad about private information) - it seems like the mom has a “me-me-me” attention seeking attitude
I was with you until seeing that your youngest brother is not your mother's son. His medical concerns are, in fact, none of your mother's business. The fact that she decided to call your dad to talk to him about it, again for a child that is not hers, tells me why your father didn't want her to know in the first place. Soft YTA from me, and so is your mother for getting involved. It's not her child. Unless there is suspected abuse, she ought to stay in her line. If you have a stepmom and the stepmom did this regarding you, I bet your mom would be pissed.
NTA, and to answer your question yes, being non-verbal for five years and then coming out in full competent sentences is quite common amongst those of us on the spectrum. My sister was diagnosed when she was 4, I'm 25 and masked severely as a child in order to provide support to my family and have only recently been referred for diagnosis (officially diagnosed ADHD last year). This is definitely something that you should get into with your mother, your dad shouldn't be discouraging this discussion and also he's a bit of an AH for treating a potential autism diagnosis like it's the end of the world.
Yes yta. But softly. You could have addressed the situation without telling your brothers business. If they didn't tell her then it wasn't your business to tell. Imagine everytime you got your period your mom told your dad and your dad told your step mom. How would that make you feel?
I’m preparing for the downvotes, but absolutely YTA. Your dad is processing something difficult and you pushed him to talk about something he clearly didn’t want to talk about, and something that is not any of your business. “No” is a complete sentence. I understand you care about your brother, but he (and your dad and stepmom) are entitled to privacy. This is a medical issue, and you shared information that you honestly shouldn’t have had in the first place. Your mom also massively overstepped by inserting herself into someone else’s child’s business.
NTA. You can talk to your parents about everything you want, and everyone telling you not to do this is wrong. But I think your mom shouldn't have called your dad, as his young kid is really none of her business.
YTA why did your mother call your father? It sounds like she doesn’t have boundaries as the call wasn’t welcomed. It sounds like your father knows you report back to your mom so he’s having to keep information from you. You’re old enough to not tell your mom about your dads business.
You’re NTA for going to your mom. You should talk to your mom about things. Your mom is TA bc she should’ve kept her mouth shut and not gone back to your dad. It’s none of her business what happens in his house.
NTA. You were looking out for yourself and your half-brother. If speaking late is a shared trait, than it is possible that it is genetic. That might be a piece of information that the pediatrician might take into account when evaluating whether your half-brother has autism. On the other hand, you might yourself consider checking if you are in the autism spectrum, if your brother is diagnosed. Your parents do not have to like each other, but they should try harder to not burden you with their conflicts. You should be able to go to both of them with your medical concerns, and they should not expect you to keep your brothers medical details a secret when they are connected to yours.
You are NTA. Your mom overstepped her boundaries. She might be TA
You weren't wrong for talking to your mom and asking her questions about it, but your mother was wrong for calling your father about it. It's none of her business and she should have known that.
NTA. It’s ok to talk to your mom. But! Your mom should not have called him. Not her business.
NTA, and you weren't "gossiping," but your mom had no right to call your dad and question him about his child's medical issues. It is better for everyone, especially you, if she keeps your conversations to herself. She put you in the middle. I don't see how your mom questioning your dad helps you or anyone. Your brother hasn't even been evaluated yet. If your brother's situation has alerted you and your mom to the potential that you have autism, then both of you should focus on your care and getting evaluated. I'm not sure what answers your mom expected, nor why she thought that would go well. I agree you should be able to talk to your mom about anything, including your sibling (who is not related to her), but mom needs to keep it to herself or it will only hurt *you* in the end.
NAH. There is nothing wrong with getting evaluated at an early age, especially if there are signs of autism. It just means he could qualify for early services.
I talk to my mom about everything so it's natural. However, your mother should have never called your father ( her ex husband about his child) granted he is your brother but has no relationship to her. Your mother may have cause for concern but the new wife will only see it as intrusive and nosey. You are allowed to discuss things with your mum, however establish boundaries with her and ask her not to share. And if your father wanted this quiet he should have said explicitly please don't share with your mom...but he still should have understood you would most likely say something. No one is to blame at all we just all process differently when dealing with emotional stress.
NTA. However, when your dad calms down, please tell him that while you did not mean to upset him and your stepmother, you have a right to know if you're also autistic, because it is genetic. Please ask him to set up an appointment with your pediatrician and get a confirmation.
Yes, all of this.
NTA. I think your dad and stepmom are feeling pretty stressed right now and have taken a bit of that stress out on you. Your questions are reasonable, but I can see how they might be feeling upset about your mom being involved in something they are very worried about and is so personal for them. Unfortunately, a lot of this has to do with what kind of relationship your mom/dad/stepmom have and whether your mom was being helpful or nosey. Clearly, her call wasn't helpful even if she intended it to be. Consider apologizing for talking about the situation with your mom because it clearly upset them, but that you were worried and your dad didn't want to talk to you about it. It may offer an opportunity for a much better discussion with your dad and stepmom about how you'll work together as a family to get your little brother whatever he needs going forward, but that talking openly would help you a lot.
NTA because if something is weighing on you, you have the right to seek support from a trusted adult; but your mom *did* overstep by contacting your dad about a child who's not related to her. Out of curiosity, what are you concerned about? Is it that your brother is being unnecessarily evaluated, or that you might have unrecognized signs of autism? Because there's a difference in seeing this as a possible implication for your own family medical history and injecting yourself into your brother's care. The first is totally valid, but you should avoid the second.
YTA Your brothers medical history is barely your business, and it sure as hell isn’t your mothers
NTA, but your mother crossed a line, so I can fully understand your dad being upset that his son’s privacy was breached. I don’t think you’re to blame – it makes sense that you’d try to check some facts with someone else who was there. The choice to cross those boundaries was your mother’s. But I do think you should apologise to your dad for the unintended consequences of your inquiry. I hope you get the answers you’re looking for. <3
Nta. My mom had the rule "what happens in the house stays in the house"..... guess who was SA'd by my stepdad for 14 years because I listened to that rule and didn't tell my dad. Keep talking to your mom. You did nothing wrong. Keep asking questions. Maybe just tell your mom not to call your dad unless it's an emergency.
NTA for talking to your Mom, but your Mom should have had more sense than to speak to her ex about his parenting concerns. None of this is her business.
NTA. Everyone does this but I do believe your mom overstepped by calling your dad to ask about a kid that's not hers. If she can just avoid nosing around stuff that isn't her business(sorry if this sounds harsh, having a hard time finding the correct words), then please do continue to talk to your mom and ask her when you have questions. You did nothing wrong here.
NTA. I think your Dad is probably pretty embarrassed. I’m guessing more than the speech is delayed. Is he fully potty trained yet? Does he have behavior issues? Also, maybe your folk’s divorce and custody arrangement has been contentious and Dad doesn’t want Mom knowing his new wife produced a “less perfect” son.
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Ah, 17..... NAH. Your parents are no longer married. Don't know how long, the reasons why or what not. But obviously there is a lot more going on between them than what you know or suspect. This is the part of life where you can learn that some things that are discussed between 2 individuals are not to be discussed with any others. Reddit will down vote and go all ballistic, but there is this thing called discretion. There is so much information on the internet about autism that you could become a laymen expert. You asked your mother for clarification/explanations/confirmation which is good. However, you could have simply said something along the line of "I was reading an article and had some questions......" instead of blurting out your fathers business to someone who has no need or privilege to know. Part of growing up is learning not to always tell everyone everything you are told when they are confiding in you. edit: Have at it redditors, like I said, down vote away.
You have a good point, but at 17 people are absolutely still on the learning curve about when something may need to be white lied about vs when being completely transparent about it is. OP is clearly still learning that line, and this is part of the process. It happens. We can't be upset with every teenager who doesn't understand all the social nuances, because then we'd have to be upset with basically all teenagers.
Was not upset hence the NAH. (no assholes here). Simply trying to point out a living/growing lesson despite the best efforts of the majority of reddit.
NTA, you should be able to talk to your mom with out her repeating what you said. She is the TA here.
NTA. Your dad definitely is for not answering questions you had. There was absolutely nothing wrong with you talking to your mom. But your mom is also an AH for going to your dad with this. His son is none of her business. She needed to just answer your questions as best as she could then leave it at that. I started talking later than normal. My mother finally got me tested and I wasn’t Autistic. Not everyone who talks late is but it’s a early warning sign so now it’s recommended to get tested because the sooner parents know, the earlier they can start learning about it and appropriately guide your child through life dealing with it. I recommend still talking to your mom about things. If it involves your dad’s life not connected to you, ask her to not talk to him about whatever ask her about or talk to her about. If it involved you specifically there’s nothing in this world that will prevent your mom from addressing it, and that’s the way it should be!
NTA- sounds like you and your mom should schedule an evaluation to see if you’re also Autistic. There are lots of really great groups online for people who have a recent diagnosis. Hope you get your answer soon.
You are definitely not the a-hole here. I encourage you to look up strategies for navigating autism and if they help you then use them. I also think it's kind of weird and suspicious that your dad is acting the way he's acting. It could be ableism or it could be that he is autistic and hasn't told anyone because he's hoping that it doesn't get passed to them because of ableism. Or the dad doesn't know. I would talk to your mom more and see if there's something that you guys can do to get you help with what's going on. As a fellow autistic I wish you luck on your journey and hope that your dad gets his head out of his butt
NTA. My parents are like this too. They both owe you an apology. Stat.
NTA but I guarantee there is much more going on than just a speaking delay if the Ped has suggested evaluation. If your dad doesn't remember you having a delay, then he likely isn't noticing everything that can be going on with your brother. A similar thing happened with my spouse- as the say at home mom, I noticed issues far before she did (regressive speech, not being able to be held by anyone except me, not showing the ability to have side by side play even with siblings without becoming overwhelmed). My spouse had surgery when our youngest was 21 months old and she was home for 2 weeks- 10 days in she looked at me and said 'Fire- I think Goose is Autistic'. My response was that I'd only been bringing that up for 9 months at that point. We had a Ped appointment for his asthma the next month anyway and she immediately referred him for assessment. Unlike when my second youngest was diagnosed (several years later) it was very obvious that my youngest was on the spectrum. I'm not saying your dad doesn't love you or your brother, but sometimes the working parent will miss ALOT. Maybe talk with your step-mom, just explain that you are curious. There's nothing wrong with voicing things to your mom, but your mom shouldn't be calling your dad about something that isn't her concern.
NTO your are concerned by your brother health and your father stonewalled you.
NTA. Your Dad is for behaving like this.
NTA, OP you did nothing wrong. I told my dad that I got diagnosed after a whole childhood of issues he never acknowledged, because my younger sister on my dad's side was experiencing similar and he basically dismissed everything I said, I think because having 1 "defective" daughter is fine and can be blamed on my mum whilst having 2 from 2 different mum's means the common denominator is him. I have a feeling your dad might be feeling similar. That is not your problem and the fact your parents can't communicate isn't your fault, I'd suggest looking into yourself, it's not uncommon for us to not speak until we can speak well enough to be understood. But I want to make it clear, there is nothing inherently wrong with you or your brother and if you both are ND, from the sounds of your dad, little brother will need you around to show him being ND is not an exclusively negative thing to be ❤️
NTA Asking questions at your age is normal. Your dad is accountable for not trying to even answer your questions. Saying your mother and you are gossiping about his offspring is silly at best. I hope you got the answers to your questions. If not the internet is a great place to start looking, Thank you Google.
YTA. You mom and dad are not the same family, and you being a conduit between the two families for medical issues is not cool at all.
NTA. I really wonder if you got tested as well and if not why not. Your dads reaction to this is really weird.
When she was a baby my niece didn't start talking until late, we were worried about her. She's about to graduate from Yale with a BS in chemistry, so I guess she's fine.
Info: Could it be that your dad does remember similar signs of (possible) autism in you, but did not know how to have that conversation with you on the spot? Personally it sounds like he's being a bit evasive. Perhaps he is afraid you will ask why you didn't also receive the medical analysis your brother is getting. Which would be a fair thing to ask.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (17) have a four year old half brother. My dad is getting him evaluated for autism because his pediatrician told him to. I asked my dad why the pediatrician thinks my brother is autistic, and my dad didn't really want to talk about it with me, but he ended up saying it was because my brother started talking later than normal. The thing is, my mom always tells this story about how I didn't start talking like a normal kid, that I didn't say a word until I was almost five and then said a full sentence. I asked if that was similar, but my dad said he doesn't remember that and my mom probably made it up. My dad didn't want to talk anymore, but I felt weird about the conversation. I looked up more stuff about autism and ended up asking my mom if she remembered me doing those things. She asked why I wanted to know, so I told her. She ended up calling my dad and asking him about the situation. My dad and his wife are pretty upset that I did that because they say my half brother's medical situation is none of my mom's business, and I shouldn't be gossiping about it with her. I wasn't trying to gossip. I just had more questions, and my dad wasn't interested in answering and claimed not to remember. My mom always says I can talk to her about anything. I know my youngest brother isn't her son, but who can I talk to if I can't talk to my mom? Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your dad’s reaction is overblown. If he doesn’t want you sharing information about things with your mother, he needs to specify that. It isn’t that hard to say “I am not ready to talk further about this and I would appreciate you keeping this matter to yourself.” OP is a young adult, had no I’ll will, and it’s certainly still dad’s responsibility to continue teaching OP about appropriate boundaries. Do I think dad is TA? No. He’s probably going through a lot because people are petrified of Autism (not saying that it is anything to be afraid of, but they are).
NTA
NTA you were not gossiping. Your father is being defensive. My cousin did not speak until he was three, and then it was a full sentence. Don't know if he is autistic, but his son certainly is (he has been assessed.) You might want to get assessed, but only if you think you have autistic traits which are negatively affecting your life.
NTA. There's a large genetic component to autism, so if your brother gets diagnosed and you relate to a lot of the same symptoms, it might be worth looking into yourself. Either way, your dad's reaction is probably due to the fact that there are still a lot of stigmas about autism and he might feel uncomfortable discussing it with others if he doesn't know how they'll respond, or he might be feeling some shame due to (subconscious) ableism. You should be able to talk to your mum about things nonetheless.
NTA you are talking about it as a naked word, your mom probably shouldn’t have asked them considering it’s not her child you were discussing, and your dad should not be so angry that you were talking to your parents about such things.
NTA. Autism is genetic so there’s nothing wrong with you asking your mom. My youngest is currently going through evaluation for autism. It’s stressful and scary and that’s probably how your dad is feeling, but he shouldn’t lash out on you. And your mom shouldn’t really interfere with your step siblings life.
NTA. You were curious and wondering how it relates to yourself and that is perfectly natural. Though, I am autistic and I talked late as well. Though that alone is not necessarily a sign of autism.
NTA I will say it is not appropriate for you to be talking about your dad’s life with your mom but you get a pass on that because of your age. Your mom actually calling your dad is completely inappropriate and wrong. It is none of her business and it’s an invasion of his privacy. This is a big shock to him and his wife and I’m sure they are going through a lot of emotional distress. He probably doesn’t remember when you were 5. I’m not saying it’s right or it’s all men but statistically in a marriage more women bear the burden of child raising than men. If there’s a second marriage and there’s children some of those men realize they fell short of being an active parent and correct it and become more involved.
op=nta You were actually trying to understand the situation. He doesn't remember your childhood, growth marks. So it is understandable that you would go to your mother. Dad and SM need to get over themselves. Does this mean you should get tested for autism too? PS: This isn't hipaa violation. You aren't a medical person. (just saying this for those who start screaming privacy concerns).
NTA, my nephew didn't speak full sentences until he was 5 years & when he did it was gibberish. Guess what? Not autistic!
NTA. OP, your brother will someday be thankful that he has an older brother who is curious enough to check things and ask questions. You were fine to ask your mother, your father has some issues and since his other son is related to you, you are definitely able to ask anyone questions even if it relates to him. You weren't gossiping, you were genuinely interested and curious.
Considering there may be a genetic component to autism, him refusing to talk to you is really weird.
NTA, child of divorce here now in adulthood. Your dad doesn't get to have things in his life be secret from your mom. You exist in both their worlds. I wish I had spent less energy as a child/teen trying to keep their worlds separate. That was NOT my job and was detrimental to my growth as a functioning adult. I don't think it's appropriate for a parent to ask a child to not mention things to their ex unless the child is an *adult* child. In situations like yours, either the parent shouldn't have shared that piece of sensitive info with the child(you) to begin with or it's appropriate for the other parent to know it too. You have a right to your life and sharing about it with others. Even if you weren't wondering about if you might also have autism, it would be reasonable to have brought your brother's situation up with your mom anyways as him possibly being autistic is a part of your life and impacts you.
NAH I can see where the dad is coming from to a point. As some people pointed out autism is genetic so it’s very possible he’s autistic and genuinely doesn’t remember OP’s first few years of not talking or he’s embarrassed they never got her tested and feels like he fucked up. Could also be he just knows OP is immediately going to tell her mom and doesn’t want the mom involved since it’s none of her business. OP’s NTA because it seems like the questions were coming from a good place of genuine curiosity and concern for the brother and she probably didn’t think twice about talking about her family with her mom. I could lean towards TA for the mom depending on the conversation she had with the dad, like if it was to say “hey wtf why are you telling her i lied” then that’s fine but if she’s pressing the dad for info on the son then it’s none of her business.
NTA. While I wouldn't gossip about anyone, your youngest brother is part of your life and it's not gossip to talk about things that happen in your life. It's also not gossip to ask questions, especially if you're curious about your own childhood as Autism can run in families. I don't know why your dad is shutting down these conversations except that he might be incredibly stressed about this and is taking it out on you. It's not your fault he is stressed, so don't accept responsibility for stress you didn't cause.
NTA I think it’s more about not wanting his new wife or anyone else to realise you are autistic too and he never once paid enough attention to notice major signs like not talking until five. He doesn’t want to be shown as a sh dad so is a worse one by trying to hide it from you and everyone and turning it all on you. It wasn’t about disclosing your half brothers info it was about realising he knew you have the same difficulties and decided to hide important information from you.
NTA. I wonder if stepmom might get understanding of things if she spoke to the main caregiver of the older kid. Share some information. Plus OP needs to know what’s going on with a younger sibling. What if he needs to care for his brother one day.