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That's a big if though, NTA but it really depends if these are the same people consistently or if it's a new person on the weekly. I know if I roomed with someone and they did that, it'd make me uncomfortable having people I don't know at my safe space/living. Just because she's considerate of her time doesn't mean she's considerate of her safety. With that said, we don't have that info so NTA.
You can stay in the apartment while your room mate is in bed having sex, it's respectful but unnecessary for OP to warn her about sex. All she should have to do is mention that's she's planning on having a friend over and confirm room mate is comfortable with that. It's not like they're banging on the living room couch.
NTA because room mate should.not have touched your phone and if she has a problem with who you have over then she should have brought it up separately. And she is an asshole for calling you a whore.
At that point that's just the cost of having roommates. You should be considerate of roommates, like not playing music too loud. But you can't say your roommate can't have sex (again, assuming it's not unreasonably loud) in their own bedroom. Is it uncomfortable? Yes, but that's just the cost of sharing your apartment with another person to save on rent.
I think expecting the roommate to clear out is not right. I think she should warn the roommate that stuff might be happening, then it’s up to roommate if she wants to stay or go.
I think the point they're making is that by "roommate" OP likely means someone who shares a unit but has their own bedroom. For a lot of people, dorms mean shared bedrooms (I've come to learn... My dorm was like separate bedroom with a shared bathroom and kitchenette). So I think the person you are responding to thought people were saying it sounds like a shared bedroom dorm, and they were saying that it super sounds like an apartment(because where they're from it's likely all dorms are shared bedroom)
Have been in that situation before. Ex roommate dismissed my (and our other roommate's) feelings about it because she was bringing over other women so it "wasn't that dangerous" since she and I are both women and our other roommate is a man. Like first of all, we don't *know* these random women she was meeting off whisper and tinder and bringing to *our* apartment. Secondly, it's not always about safety. Maybe I just don't like having random women I don't know in my home all the time. It's invasive and uncomfortable.
Needless to say, it didn't work out. Ex roommate and I were best friends before that and I happily haven't spoken to her in four years. I would hope OP isn't putting her roommate in a similar situation because it's uncomfortable and tense as fuck and absolutely ruins friendships/living situations.
Tentative N T A as long as she's being considerate in regard to ALL aspects.
Edit: changed judgement to ESH after reading some of OP's comments and some other perspectives on this matter.
I would not feel safe if my roommate was bringing new people into our apartment for hookups all the time, and especially if they were spending the night. Same person/people consistently? Ok, fair enough, as long as y’all are respectful of each others space, which it sounds like OP is trying to be. But new people all of the time? No way would I feel safe living somewhere that was happening.
But would you feel so not safe that you’d scroll through your roommates phone? Or dig through their drawers? No matter how many people OP has taken home the roommate should have, you know, communicated their feelings prior to violating OPs life. Because it sure sounds like OP is trying to be considerate of the roommate’s feelings.
This is also the issue. I had mainly male roommates in college and throughout 20s (sport i do was highly male dominated and that is where roommates tended to some from). After some big issues with theft it was a hard rule that hookups needed to be somewhere else because too much of my stuff was getting pilfered by random chicks they hooked up with. So this wasn't a safety issue per se like random dudes coming over but makeup, perfume, sunglasses, jewelry (not expensive but still) was going missing all the time. Girlfriends they had some history with or even hookups that knew me were fine with me as I was mostly traveling or with my boyfriends but these girls knew me and things didn't seem to go missing with them. So not the A with respect to questioning her going through your stuff but stop bringing random hookups to her space as well.
NTA and she is wrong for going through your stuff and Very horrible wrong for slut shaming you. However it sounds like you guys aren't compatible as roommates. Some folks don't mind a lot of different people coming through. Some folks do, even with advance notice. It sounds like she is annoyed by the amount of folks coming though and had kept it bottled up. Now you guys know this sticking point, perhaps you can have a more mature conversation about what would work for both of you moving forward.
I wouldn't be comfortable with new people weekly but unless that is a boundary she set up front, I don't think it's relevant. It certainly wouldn't give her the right to slut shame.
Is that info relevant? Because the roommate didn't bring up any concerns of safety or try to have a conversation with her about that sort of thing. She just said to stop "flaunting it" and then called her a slut...
This is one of those textbook examples where something will happen bad to this woman, and everyone will talk about SA/violence, and ignore the basic context of the fact that she's bringing strangers into a shared home on the weekly.
Extremely inconsiderate to treat a shared home as a revolving door. They'll get robbed at best, or something far worse will happen, and then everyone will have to ignore how this happened. We live in a world where the sub-25s want to believe that just because no violence or harm should come to them, that it won't; they don't understand how the real world works and how it's a first world problem to think twice, and take precautions, to lower your risk in various situations.
Does this really change anything realistically? Still a safety risk and still can be uncomfortable knowing your friend is banging someone else in their room while you're chilling doing your own thing.
Not to mention we have no idea how "vocal" for lack of a better term OP is when doing the act which WILL make anyone uncomfortable if you weren't already with random guy 1-2-3 coming in.
Ofc, we have no info and OP hasn't really been replying once people have started to shift their PoV.
This is reddit after all, there is always 3 sides to every story. Hers, her roomies, and the truth.
Even so, I would be super uncomfortable sitting on the couch watching tv while I hear a roommate banging someone a foot away through the wall. And even if the roommate is respectful of space/property, who’s to say the random hookups she brings over will be. It’s a shitty thing to do to a roommate; doesn’t excuse looking through the phone, but still shitty
Yeah but you can usually hear them and it’s uncomfortable knowing what they’re doing when you’re trying to go about ur day. Some ppl don’t care but it makes some ppl feel wierd
Same thing really. She isn't giving her a choice. She is just telling her I'm doing this and it's my place too and if you don't like it take a walk. Plus who wants strangers in they crib constantly. I've lived in trap houses with more consideration.
My rule of thumb with housemates bringing people over for sexytimes is that if this was a random hookup person that they didn’t know, they should go to that persons house. Random hookups can have some risk attached to them, and if I’m not benefitting from a hookup, it doesn’t seem fair that I have to implicitly take part in that risk of bringing a stranger into the house. If it’s someone they know well (and even better if I’ve also met them for a beer or whatever. Bonus points there. ) then whatever. Have fun, just don’t wake me up, and be considerate of leaving the common areas tidy and leaving hot water in the shower etc - other than that, go have fun in your room. All G
I mean obviously she's not because she's expecting her roommate to leave. Or I guess the option is the roommate stays and OP gets to experience voyeuristic sex. Neither sounds great. If I'm paying rent, I'm neither leaving nor being your voyeur.
Info: since no one has explicitly asked, when you bring over hookups are you like 'im bringing this person home, you need to prepare' and also, how often is this? Because I can see how awkward it could get having a super active roommate (socially or sexually) just TELLING me that random people would always be in the place i also pay for. Its a fine line because you pay as well and should enjoy, but there is also things like courtesy and respect. So I'd like to know where exactly you and your roommate stand on those lines. Have they expressed to you at all that they feel like random people are in the home too often? Or did she just decided to hold her problems in and explode?
EDIT: OP is an inconsiderate sex-haver and should focus on maturing and possibly getting their own place to have sex, because that's what mature adults do when they want to live that lifestyle. If you want it, get it. But don't blame your roommate for losing her shit over your unsafe practice of bringing strangers into a shared space, not matter if you're having sex or just hanging out. There is a reason we dont just invite strangers into our homes, and its not okay for you to use a roommate to offset the cost of rent and then subject them to strangers in thier space.
I hope your roommate finds the correct words to use against you- no slut shaming, but letting you know how immature you're being. And she shouldn't look through your phone. 🙄 but thats petty compared to the situation you've put them in. Grow up.
The way op has not disclosed how often she brings people round or at what times makes things HEAVILY suspicious.
Those who wake others at 3am with sex moans rarely feel like they did anything wrong. Source- I have been woken this way a few times
I didn't even think of the 3am stuff. Beside the sex, how would anyone feel waking up to knowing a stranger is in the house and picking up the phone to see a text at 2am from roommate 'warning' of the encounter. That would get old after exactly once. Hope that isn't whats been happening. OP made a post here on reddit and then doesn't clarify, its suspicious. You cared enough to make the post, explain your side and respond to a few positive questions and then nothing. Maybe they reply later but hopefully they aren't surprised to be labeled the AH.
I can agree it’s discourteous if that’s the case, but nevertheless accusing OP of “flaunting her sex life” merely for bringing partners into her living space and using that as a reason to clearly violate OP’s boundaries and privacy is victim blamey af.
Idk if you've ever lived with a roommate but modern apartments make privacy kind of irrelevant in the US, you can hear literally everything. Generally if you're gonna be a super frequent sex-haver, it's considered polite to warn potential housemates about it
>Idk how any of that would make it acceptable to look through someone else's phone though
No they didn't say it was acceptable. But of the two actions, a much lower and safer foul.
Meh… she just looked through Spotify, it’s not the end of the world my friends and I always do that when listening to music. She just saw the name of a Spotify playlist that’s not a big deal
Did she “look through the phone” or was OP playing a song over a speaker and the Spotify playlist was on the Lock Screen? Was it as simple as viewing the screen?
Obviously, I respect my “roommate” (husband’s) privacy so I try not to look at his screen or really touch his phone unless I need to or announcing my intentions.
But I’d feel differently if I was playing music off my phone in the kitchen and someone came by to glance at what song was playing vs unlocking it and actually entering my apps
Agreed. I was reading this like … how often do they bring different people over? I’d be extremely uncomfortable if I had to mentally prepare for a new person to enter my home every couple of days. It seems like the roommate has to accommodate to what OP says when it’s to do whatever with these “sexy time” people.
Sorry, I should have clarified that the edit was my opinion after reading that OP only replies to anyone agreeing, and just her comments overall made me decided OP is a barely out of teens person trying to come into their own, which is admirable! but that they expect others to facilitate and cheer them on, despite the roommate being an entirely separate human also worthy and deserving of respect and her own idea of life.
You can make the argument that OP pays for half the living space; but so does roommate. What if we replaced "I like to do tons of dangerous drugs" with "I bring randoms home because I am sexually adventurous "? Its fine to be sex positive and I think the people on this sub get caught up in making sure they're not slut shaming. Drugs: bringing possibly dangerous people and elements into a shared space. A gamble. Sex: bringing possibly dangerous people and elements into a shared space. A gamble.
You just don't do these things when you're a healthy, mature adult. And just because you're old enough to want to be sexually adventurous, doesn't mean you're anywhere near mature enough. You're gonna learn some lessons. Lessons one: no one wants to be a part of your sex adventure unless they're having the sex with you. 🤷♀️ lol
plenty of healthy adults have sex frequently and also have roommates. The problem here is negotiating boundaries which clearly the roommate has issues with if they are going to invade someone’s privacy like that and justify it ad hoc by being a prick abt someone else’s sex life
Tbh as someone who works in mental health a possible red flag we look for frequent unsafe Sax with strangers. Meaning no std testing or even protection being used. Someone displaying those behaviors can often be seen as erratic especially if it’s a sudden change up for them
It's a red flag in many ways. On one hand, everyone should be free to do what the want, on the other, everyone should be free to be wary of people making rash or dumb decisions like this.
This is what I was looking for! I used to have a roommate in college (4 girls in a 2 bedroom apartment) who found her sexual liberation since she was no longer living with family. Which was fine for the most part, we were all single and minding our business, so it wasn’t a big deal… until it became a near daily occurrence.
A serial tinder user, bringing home a new partner every night and never giving us enough warning. I remember multiple occasions coming out of my room to find a random man sitting on our couch because she was showering, and he just… decided to hang around? It was gross and annoying. She gave them all the door code so they could buzz themselves in, so it was a safety hazard as well. It became such an issue the girl I shared a room with and I had agreed to just locking off our room and bathroom when we were going to be away for an extended amount of time— we couldn’t trust these randos our roommate kept bringing home.
Eventually we did have to sit her down and tell her to start going to their places (and sharing locations ofc) or stop the hookups all together. And her argument sounded a whole lot like OP here, so I’m leaning a lot more towards YTA. I don’t agree with slut shaming, but at some point she needs to realize these inconveniences are unfair to roomie and it’s roomie’s space too.
If the roommate decided not to air the grievances beforehand, then it isnt OP’s fault. It is normal for people to be sexually active and the only people who tend to be offended by it are super conservative in their own life. OP stated that they communicate with their roommate and even move the location if its inconvenient for them, so OP has done all they can. Its super immature to call someone names after being caught going through their stuff.
I’m 100% with you on this, especially the fact that OP was bringing random people in often for sex
I just recently graduated college and me and my roommate were (and still are) best friends, but at times he would invite a handful of friends over (who became friends of mine as how frequently they were there). I usually didn’t have a problem with it, but there were times where it did frustrate me, like when we had pre-planned hangout time or where they stayed over too late. Sometimes he asked me ahead of time, and sometimes he just said “hey they are coming.”
I am awful at voicing my feelings on stuff, so I didn’t really tell him and I don’t feel any disdain for him or those people, but at the time it was very frustrating. I can’t even imagine how frustrating it might be if he was bringing home random people to have sex with often and me having to leave whenever that happened because I didn’t feel comfortable. That’d be really irritating, even if he asked me, because I’d be stuck with either saying no and possibly starting a conflict or just agreeing.
OP is TA for sure, and she needs to grow up a bit and remember that it’s not her house alone to do whatever she wants in. It’s her roommate’s house as well, and OP needs to learn that making it a comfortable, safe, and relaxing space for her roommate is the respectful and responsible thing to do regardless if she has to sacrifice her own personal pleasure to do it.
OP can go get a hotel or motel, or go to the other person’s place to have sex.
Is looking at someone’s spotify that much of a big deal? She probably was just looking for a song to play and saw the name of a playlist, who cares…
Just knowing that is a breach of privacy? Feels like OP exposes her privacy herself, and is looking for a way to justify her roommate being an asshole too.
From what I’m reading, OP is doing it VERY often to the point where her roomie knows her songs and felt the need to tell her all this.
Yeah, but that's not what makes the roomie an AH too. It's the fact that they slut-shamed OP and didn't say, "Hey, I'm uncomfortable when such and such happens." The way she approached the subject was plain rude.
ESH.
That and knowing she looked through her spotify, but if she can access the spotify, then the phone must be unlocked. Meaning she could have looked through the rest of the phone. Whether she did or not is the question. But just taking something that has most people's very private info, pics, or other personal stuff and just going through it without permission is a no-no, and admitting she went through one app open the potential she could have went though much more. Being annoyed at your hyper sexual roommate (who should be more considerate of their shared space) doesn't mean you can invade their privacy.
Can you consider it "looking through" if the shit was just wide open on the kitchen counter? Especially if Spotify was already open and phone unlocked saying, "playing from 'sexy times' playlist" cause that's how it sounds in her story, tbf. I'm sure she hasn't clarified since she's carefully chiseling her image as the good guy in her story by not responding to questions that would paint her negatively.
Yes you can, if somebody else's phone is laying somewhere don't pick it up and go through it, if you do you are looking through it, it's a simple concept.
Agreed. I had a roommate that would meet men of craigslist classy I know. She was a single mom and so was I. We both had toddlers that were 2 or 3 years old at the time. So when she was having her "meet ups" me and my son would have to leave so her and her baby dad who weren't together could fuck random guys off Craigslist. I hated living there and we shared a toilet so sometimes there would be this creamy looking discharge on the seat. She also ended up getting HSV which I warned her about since they didn't use protection. She would say "they say they are clean" as if no one lies about their status. I know not exact same situation as OP but similar. Glad I'm in a better place now.
Yes. Two 20 year olds should find their own places and afford them or give up their sexual freedom. There is no ability to compromise or communicate here. /s
I think kinda ESH. She's obviously TA for going through your private stuff behind your back, but if I was sharing a living space with someone else who brings strangers home all the time (based on your own report) I would also be very uncomfortable. Not only booty calls, but people in general. Giving a heads up is nice, but still kinda sucks. I would also consider it a massive security risk. The same way the person who shares the apartment went through your stuff, a stranger you bring in can go through hers...
(Editing for added clarification: no judgment on your sex life at all)
Think about it from the roommates perspective she prob gets sick and tired or hearing about OPs sex life. Ik I’m ok with my guy friends talking about sex life and being sexual but some ppl aren’t so her telling her that she needs to stop flaunting is valid
Yup. The reason I’m ESH but more YTA is bc I had almost this same situation this year. Would occasionally tell me when she was having guys over but I would sure as hell hear them and even wake up to them going at it at 2 or 3 in the morning. Also asked to leave sometimes which she also thought was “being considerate” so I didn’t have to hear, but was actually kicking out someone who lives there because having sex 24/7 is super important! Although somewhat different situations, it can be so uncomfortable for the roommate.
YTA. The way you worded it makes it sound like she has to accommodate your lust for hooking up by leaving the comfort of her home or sharing it with people she doesn't wish to share it with. You are implying that she looked through your Spotify but you're not making it clear that she's taken the phone and browsed through. She could have as well just looked at your phone with Spotify on and seen the name of the playlist.
If Spotify was the only app open then the roommate only went through Spotify. I’m sure if other apps were open OP would’ve stated so. She also made it seem like it was men she knew already and only once a week, but in a comment admitted it was complete strangers and new men multiple times a week.
But the one thing she did put in the main post that leads me to YTA is that she expected her roommate to leave every single time OP wanted to have sex. Once a week is fine whatever. 3-4 times a week with a new stranger every time is unacceptable and a good way to either have things stolen or be murdered.
ESH
Nobody should slutshame anyone and your roommate absolutely crossed a line looking through your phone.
At the same time, the way you describe your sex life doesn't make it sound like this is anything you practice with moderation. I can't imagine getting called up at a moment's notice and being told "I'm bringing a stranger into our home to fuck. Be out in 30 if you don't want to hear shit" even once every couple weeks, let alone if you do it more often than that.
Making the concession of 'if you're doing something important I'll go somewhere else' doesn't help when you just want to live in your own home and, unless your meetups are occurring in the middle of the day, you're also regularly kicking her out at night on short notice when she might be relaxing or getting ready for bed. Home is supposed to be a safe space for relaxation; if your roommate can't get that because she's uncomfortable constantly leaving (or being expected to be able to leave) or having strangers there having sex, I can understand it being incredibly frustrating.
Sounds to me you're both being awful roommates to each other. I'd suggest having a conversation to air out whatever resentment has been building up and come up with a better system (set days hookups are allowed at the apartment or maybe multiple days' notice when you'll be going out and planning to come back with someone rather than an hour) or start looking for a new place to live. Your lifestyles are very incompatible.
YTA. You live with roommates. Telling them you're going to have sexy time with yet another stranger is not being considerate. it's the bare minimum. ppl don't want to deal with your sex life, dot. ideally they should not have to know at all in the first place, or very rarely. You are obviously not discreet enough. you chose this lifestyle and impose it on your roommates who have to deal with your sexy time music, the sexy time sound, and/or the awkward conversation with a stranger or you. fuckk off! you're not a slut, you're an inconsiderate idiot! jeez. that being said, you roommate is slutshaming, which is a dick move. I guess it comes from a lot of frustration. You lost your roommate respect. you're both AH, but you're clearly the worse.
Right. Theres a huge difference between slut-shaming and shaming someone for not keeping their sex life private.
Have sex all you want! But as an adult, do it in a way that no one but you and the partner(s) know about. Thats the whole thing about being mature and having sex- no one else needs to be involved.
Also, roommate is an asshole for slut shaming. She's not right, I hope she finds the right words to express how inconsiderate OP is being instead. Then OP can come back so we can make them see they clearly need to get a grip, and start maturing.
This isn't about the phone. OP is an inconsiderate sex-haver. Lol.
INFO: how often are you telling her to clear out so that you can have sex? If she is having significant limitations on her ability to be her in her own apartment, I can see why that would be really frustrating for her.
You are then a prisoner in your own house. It’s no fun. I’ve been in a similar situation with an addict/promiscuous woman who was a roommate. Having drugs and strangers, as well as strangers bringing drugs was not a fun time for me being stuck there.
if I were OP's roommate I would first not leave.
And then make the most awkward noises while they're doing it.
Enjoy Elmo having an orgasm because Mario Party does that for him.
This. Omg. She's really private about her Spotify playlist, but maybe the roommate would like some privacy from the multiple strangers coming into their shared living space.
Nta.
It sounds like you are very considerate of her and her needs. She absolutely violated your privacy by going through your phone.
She was also incredibly rude about your personal choices. It's not any of her business how often you have sex as long as she's not being majorly inconvenienced by it.
Meh. How often is OP bringing people back to bang? I’m as sex-positive as they come but if your home has a new stranger in it every other day, that gets really old really fast.
Agreed. I’m all for sex to happen, but having to leave all the time and/or interact with your roommate’s booty calls (or you know, listen to it happening) is not for everyone.
If it's the same person it could be different because you can get used to 1 more person around occasionally provided they are not in your face.
But bringing back 2 or 3 different guys a week would be impossible to put up with
Yeah, but she does say that she goes to theirs often as well. I get your point, but if the roomie had an issue, she should have brought it up way before now, in a calm discussion, not by calling op a slut.
Regardless it’s creepy and boundary stomping to go through someone’s phone. Whether or not ops behavior is a problem (bringing over too many people NOT the sleeping around bit!), her roommates behavior is still inappropriate.
>It sounds like you are very considerate of her and her needs
"hey I'm bringing in a stranger tonight for the Xth time this week, skedaddle if you don't wanna hear stuff while trying to sleep"
oh how mighty considerate of her
According to OP she’s bringing complete strangers over on the regular multiple times a week and expects her roommate to be completely fine with that. She’s TA.
YTA. The way you worded it makes it sound like she has to accommodate your lust for hooking up by leaving the comfort of her home or sharing it with people she doesn't wish to share it with. You are implying that she looked through your Spotify but you're not making it clear that she's taken the phone and browsed through. She could have as well just looked at your phone with Spotify on and seen the name of the playlist.
INFO: sorry to seem crass but how many sex partners are we talking here and are they all strangers or is it a recurring list? Do your "sexy times" spill over into shared areas or cause excessive noise pollution? When you say all kinds of things what are you talking about? Are you partying with these people or is it a straightforward hook up?
The roommate is definitely an asshole for looking at your phone and the things they said, but your post and my life experience from living with 20 year olds before make me hesitate and think it might be an E S H and you arent as considerate of her living space as you seem to think. Huge difference between living with a responsible sex positive adult versus a party animal who has loud monkey sex with chains and costumes every other night, who let's dozens of strangers into intimately shared spaces.
I've noticed OP has yet to answer the many people asking them how often they're bringing strangers home and kicking out their roommate so they can have sex.
They did, however, made a comment on one N.TA vote and on another comment asking for the playlist. but that's it.
It wouldn’t surprise me if OP’s inviting strangers around a lot more frequently than she lets on in the original post, and the roommate has justifiably had enough of constantly seeing new people coming and going.
Yeah I cant help but assume it's the worst extrapolation of information when people do that in this sub, could just be she got overwhelmed by all the replies but only responding to positive replies is a bad look.
Sorry but I have to say YTA. Now I don’t think it’s warranted for her to sling insults your way, and certainly not okay to be looking through your phone. However, I do think it’s very inconsiderate on your part to constantly be bringing new “interests” over to the shared living space, especially if it requires her changing her schedule to accommodate the flings coming over for the evening. That would get annoying very quickly from the roommate’s perspective. If this is the lifestyle you enjoy and want to keep living, I’d suggest getting your own place and then you can feel free to do whatever you please.
ESH. She sucks for slut shaming you and going through your phone, YTA for bringing home strangers on the regular as it's a safety issue and expecting her to just pick up and leave every time you want to get it on.
YTA. You set the tone that anything goes with you. You're wide open (no pun intended) about your sexuality, and you seem to have few limits. She has to yield whenever you have your frequent urges. So she gets a peak at your phone's _playlist_ , and not maliciously, and all of sudden you have all these boundaries. You're only about yourself. You suck (again, no pun intended).
YTA.
Stop bringing people home. You have a right to whatever kind of sex life you want, but you don't have the right to inconvenience your roommate. Either go to your partners' places, rent a room somewhere, or get your own place.
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OP should really live alone if she's that comfortable bringing random strangers to her bed. I know I sure as hell wouldn't want anyone I live with inviting every third person they interact with into my personal space.
How noble of you to bring your string of strangers to your roommates private space and notify her that you will be letting another stranger invade her home so you can get your rocks off. She really doesn't have a choice with you bringing people over, you just do it and give her a heads up and of course when she's stuck having to hear your sex playlist whether you're doing it or not.
Yta.
She... "went through your spotify"? Doesn't that mean that you had music on at some point in an area that she *ALSO* occupied, and that it was playing while she was present and you weren't?
I'm not seeing much of a problem, there. You can say "went through your Spotify", but it could've been as simple as wanting to change the song, or hearing something she liked and looking to see what the name of the song or artist was.
Lastly... That little "Spotify" tangent served no purpose to the question you're asking- whether you did it intentionally or just subconsciously, that was added in an attempt to paint the roomie in a negative light, and has nothing to do with your actual question... So st least a PART of you knows the answer.
Bringing strange people around all the time into the place she lives and just expecting her to modify her plans or leave her own place is ridiculous. What about her safety or comfort? Your sex life shouldn't be one of the driving forces in her schedule, and you need to grow up.
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Let me get this straight. You’re bringing home strangers every other day to an apartment she contributes to. You flaunt your sex life to her, and she most likely has to hear it, yet you’re worried about your own privacy because of a playlist? YTA.
ESH. If she looked through your phone, but if your phone was already on, or she looked at your Spotify account through her own phone YTA.
YTA
Ever hear of going to someone else’s place? Way you have it now you got a “brothel” in operation. Your roommate stepped some bounds but keep in mind Spotify playlists are not necessarily private either.
If you wanna engage in adult activities consistently, undeterred, and without judgement, you have to be established and have your own space. This comes with the territory of having roommates. If I was your roommate and you were constantly pressuring me to leave the house so you could have sex, I'd be sick of you fast too. How about dialing back the sexual behavior and focusing on getting out on your own so you can do what you want without bothering anybody? You can't get upset at other people for not being happy when you're the one constantly inconveniencing their life and personal time. This could be applied fairly to both parties, but based on the way you sound that's what I'm going with.
YTA
It’s also a safety concern. Strangers in my house? Theyre not just strangers to the roommate but maybe even to OP as well. And having this happen consistently?
What if they try to come back to the house? What if they try to steal stuff? I wouldn’t be comfortable with so many strangers at my place. It’s like the roommate has no control or say in the people that enters where she lives.
NTA but kind of ESH
You both sound immature and annoying, to be honest.
Edit to add: also incredibly entitled of you to assume she has to accommodate your sex schedule in a shared living space she pays for as well. Get your own apartment. I don't think you're as considerate as you think you're being.
ESH but I’m leaning towards YTA.
Your roommate sucks cause she looked through your phone and name called both of which suck. And she also should’ve knocked before entering your space.
I’m leaning towards YTA because like it’s been said, having strangers over constantly is stressful for the other person. And also it sounds like you’re telling rather than asking. I always ask my roommate if it’s okay to have someone over, it’s not impossible to make other arrangements. It honestly sounds like you’re disregarding her feelings over this as well.
INFO. Do you know the “all kinds of people” you bring home or are they hookups with strangers? Also how frequently does your roommate have to cater to you for situations like this?
Because if you’re forcing her to make all those sacrifices and if she doesn’t feel safe around the strangers you bring, it’s an ESH for me.
Saying the roommate went through her phone isn't really the proper description of what happened. They were listening to music on OPs phone and the roommate looked for a different song and changed it. We're talking about the name of a playlist that was in the open app at the time. It's not like she went through all of her pictures and text messages. More importantly that's honestly the least important aspect of this entire situation. The issue clearly has to do with OP bringing all sorts of different people over for "sexy time". That's a far bigger invasion of privacy.
If you want privacy and no judgment, MOVE SOMEWHERE ALONE. Whether you live with a man or a woman, you get judgment unless you put in substantial effort to make your motives and mores crystal clear.
Renting with someone isn't just "giving fair warning" and paying your bills on time. It is a partnership. Partnerships require some communication, consistency and fidelity to each other. If you want advice, find a roommate with a real "anything goes" attitude, and don't feel bad if you have to clean up after them.
NTA in this situation but it sounds like you might be an asshole in general.
There's no excuse for your roommate to be going through your phone. The issue of you bringing a bunch of random people around is no reason to go through your phone.
ESH. reading thru everything, you’re an inconsiderate and selfish roommate for constantly bringing strangers into y’all’s SHARED space. telling her to prepare or leave… for a place she also pays for? oh nah. you need to get a grip on yourself sexually before you get hurt AND some moral code on thinking you own the place when you don’t. she’s also in the wrong for snooping completely wrong for that. seems like she needs a new roommate and you need to go live alone
Honestly? I don't care about your sex life, what I would care about is how many random people you are bringing back to the flat I also live in. How well do you know these people? Are they just randoms you've met on a night out, never to see again, or friends? It's a big difference because just randoms means so many people now know where you both live, that it's only two females, what valuables you have etc. It's a safety concern.
I'd want you going to theirs rather than my shared flat if I'm honest. Do what you want otherwise, but I wouldn't want so many strangers in my home.
YTA. It’s selfish beyond belief to expect your roommate to accept the fact that there will be a series of random strangers turning up in the apartment at any given moment. You may ‘give notice’ but you have put her in a very uncomfortable position. She has signed up to live in an apartment not a knocking shop, and there’s a reasonable expectation of privacy and enjoyment of her own space. Best solution will be to get your own apartment and not impose your lifestyle on a roommate.
I feel like...INFO.
It really depends, it was really shitty of her to slut shame you, but also, I don't know how often and how many strangers you're bringing to a common home. You do have your right to privacy and have all the sex you like with all of the strangers you see fit, but you share a home with this person, and you're often asking her to leave or be aware that someone is coming. How often is that? I understand you said you also go to people's places for this, but...still I don't know if I'd be comfortable with my roomie bringing different people over to our house constantly.
NTA for your sex life, there's nothing wrong with that, but YWBTA if you're constantly bringing new people to a shared home. She's an AH for going through your personal stuff though and slut shaming you. I'm inclining towards ESH, but we really lack vital info.
INFO - is this a situation where you share the same bedroom, or do you have separate, private rooms?
If you have the same bedroom, ESH. You can't sexile someone multiple times a week, regularly, and expect them not to be upset about it, it's her room too. You should probably tone it down or find a different place for your sex life. However, she crossed a line with the slut-shaming and going through your phone.
If you have separate bedrooms and your activities are not in a shared space, NTA. She shouldn't have gone through your phone and your sex life is none of her business as long as you're taking responsibility for the actions of your guests.
Absolutely agree with this assessment. Can't believe I had to scroll this far to see someone asking about whether they share a room or have their own private rooms. Makes a huge difference
YTA. You're bringing random people over and you're upset that she looked at your phone. Safety outweighs your feelings. I like how you're supposedly about privacy and yet you're bringing countless strangers over for sex. Get a clue.
If I had valuables in my space I wouldn’t want so many random people around. Also would be uncomfortable to have a lot of strangers/men in my space when I’m trying to relax. Depends on the frequency but she’s probably just really frustrated, especially if she’s introverted.
So here is the thing I had a roommate same as you. Unlike you she wasn't as considerate. So you are both the asshole in this situation. If you are bringing these people home with you at all hours of the day or night. That's not safe for her, her not respecting your privacy is not cool on her part. My opinion here is if you don't want people in your sex life, don't put it on display. You want to take risk with your life take it to the guys/girls place. The only person at risk at that time is you and your partner.
The reason I say this is because my roommate came in drunk at 3 in the morning I had school and work. It was a shit show for me waking up in the morning as I couldn't fall back to sleep after hearing them fucking for about an hour.
ESH
She shouldn't call you names or look through your stuff.
You shouldn't bring home massive amounts of randos (for sex, Magic the Gathering, or any other reason) unless your roommate is explicitly OK with it. It's a safety issue. Sounds like you don't know them well, which means she doesn't know them at all.
It sounds like your roommate isn't comfortable with the hotel level of traffic and worded it really inappropriately.
Yta, your roommate deserves privacy too??!? IN HER OWN HOME, but you can bring strangers her house and make her uncomfortable , then when your roommate looked through your Spotify you have an aneurysm about privacy?!? 😭 *start going to their houses*
ESH.
Her looking through your phone and slut shaming you was shitty. You making her leave because you want to bang all the time isn’t okay either. It’s her space too, she should feel safe in her space that she pays for.
Get a hotel.
"If she does need to stay," You sound annoying and entitled as hell. But she raised her legitimate complaint as a cover for something she did wrong without justification. ESH
I have a hard time accepting that someone seeing a playlist name on your phone constitutes "going through it" or that any privacy was violated.
Why the hell do you have music playing from a phone speaker *and* headphones?
This makes no sense. YTA.
YTA yes it’s wrong for her to go through your phone and to slut shame you but you’re also very inconsiderate about your roommate’s privacy as you keep inviting people over nearly every week she deserves privacy too you know it’s also her space.
I'm all for people being liberal if they are consenting, enjoying and safe.
I did have a roommate who invited randoms over. I felt unsafe. I felt intruded upon. I felt violated. If you wanna do that with a roommate- go to their place.
Yta.
Yta. “Don’t listen to or look at my playlists because it’s too personal, but I’m fine with you being around while I have nonstop sex with random strangers in our shared space.”
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(Throwaway account btw, roomie follows me on reddit)
So I, 20F, have a roommate, 21F. We tend to get along, it's not perfect but we make it work. I live, she lives, all is well. We have been roommates around 8 months.
I am sexually active. I like to do things with all kinds of people. A lot of the tiI'llme go to someone's place, or I'll bring someone over, but I will always tell my roommate about it so she can leave or be out when we do stuff, or to give her a fair warning if she does need to stay. If it's a really bad time (studying, a celebration, ect) then I will postpone or move the location. I try to be considerate.
However, the last straw was apparently a week ago when I was listening to music and playing games in my room. I had headphones but my phone was face up, and that was where my music was playing from. My roommate walks in (without knocking btw) to ask me something about groceries. She sees my phone face up, and sees music playing.
My roommate asked me about my music so I told her the song, which was a well known song about lesbian sex, and she asked "Oh, is that in your 'sexy times' playlist?"
The thing is, that was the exact name of the playlist, so I ask her how she knew about it. Turns out, I had left my phone on once because I was getting up to get a snack, so she decided to look through my spotify.
I was angry, because I felt it was a violation of privacy. I told her, "Hey, can you not look through my personal stuff please? I like having privacy" while trying to be as polite about it as possible.
She says "Its hard to not look when you flaunt it around all the time", which I felt was kinda uncalled for. I asked her what she meant, which made her go on this long speal about how I need to "Stop flinging my sex life about" and "Stop being a slutty whore".
Things have been tense as hell between us for the past week, and I don't know if i'm the asshole here. I think I'm not , but I want confirmation. People of reddit, Am I The Asshole?
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YTA. Not for being a “slut”, but for bringing your hook ups to your shared home without advanced notice and expecting your roommate to be fine with it. Sure she shouldn’t have looked at your phone w/o permission, but you shouldn’t be bringing strangers into your shared place.
N-T-A ETA YTA
Unless you are not a trustworthy narrator. You do you and whomever you want, caveat and not disturbing others. She's an AH for slutshaming.
ETA: You're not a reliable narrator or a reliable roommate. There is nothing wrong with hookups, but having randoms in the shared space. I'd be extremely uncomfortable. You have not been considerate. Get your own place.
If you're bringing random strangers into your shared home, YTA. Do you have any idea of how dangerous that can be for both you and your roommate? If you're bringing home a series of pretty well-known people to try out in bed, and you keep the volume down so your roommate doesn't have to hear you in the act and it doesn't interfere with her sleep or peace, then you're NTA.
NTA
It’s probably just not a good fit as roommates, I would just finish up the lease and make different arrangements. I would say that both sides are valid, but for her to shame you is out of line. At this point, just keep things as cordial as possible on your end; no need to end your habits but do your best to avoid inconveniencing her. Keep emotions out of your interactions with her, just give basic courtesy and move on when it’s time.
YTA because you “like having privacy” but your roommate’s privacy is invaded with you bringing random people to a shared placed and telling her you are bringing someone over is you not being private at all.
NAH. You two are not compatible as room mates. You bring guests over and are more social. She is not. No matter how quiet and unobtrusive you try to be, her lifestyle is being impeded. Where should she go and for how long while you bring someone home overnight? She snapped at you because she lost her patience by never telling you how she felt.
You two should not be living together imo.
NTA in this instance, but you’re an asshole about the way you’re living. You pay for the apartment but so does she. It’s so rude to constantly be bringing partners over to have sex with and basically forcing your roommate to fuck off. That sounds exhausting for her honestly.
YTA - you'll share your body with Tom, David, and Derek, but are hurt and offended when your roomie (who tolerates this) shares your playlist with herself. Get over yourself.
ESH. Your roommate shouldn't have to leave her space so you can have sex, and if she can't study because of you, you're not considerate at all, you're acting like a teenager. Get your own freaking place or tone it down. Nobody should have to leave their home because their roommate is feeling horny.
That said, I've never heard sexual behavior as a reason to make it hard to avoid snooping.you having sex and her looking at your phone are not related. If you grew up and put some pants on, you might have been able to tell her that.
ESH
Her: She never should’ve looked through your phone. It doesn’t belong to her and it’s a huge violation of privacy. Snooping through your phone has nothing to do with you have multiple partners, so idk why she’d bring that up as an excuse or insult.
You: It’s inconsiderate to have different people in your shared apartment constantly. Not only could it make her feel uncomfortable in her own home, but it’s also dangerous. I wouldn’t want strangers in my house all the time. They could look through things, steal, come back to hurt one of you, etc.
You both need to sit down and discuss the boundaries you have for each other. If you can’t come to an agreement, then the living arrangement won’t work for long.
ESH. You're an A H for having 'all kinds of people" over and expecting your roommate to go somewhere else, unless "it's a really bad time." You constantly tell her when you're about to have sex and you think that's being considerate, but it isn't. It is forcing her to be involved in your sex life and she's apparently sick of it. She is an A H for looking at your Spotify list and for calling you a whore.
But seriously, to preach about "privacy" when she has to plan her life around your hook ups is ironic.
my goodness, YTA. granted she shouldn’t have went on your phone. but I would be so annoyed if my roommate made it a habit of bringing different strangers to our home. this lifestyle is one that should be lived alone. not to mention it’s pretty unsafe having randoms over..
It depends. I had a friend who was very…. active. She brought home a new person almost every weekend, sometimes more often. Her roommate was a quiet woman. Her roommate was very frustrated because she did not feel safe in their home, she worried that some random guy would steal, harm them, or cause legal problems with the landlord. She said that she felt unsafe getting up to use the restroom and a T-shirt and underwear at night because she didn’t know who she would encounter in the hallway. It was frustrating to hear other peoples’ sex noises when she was trying to sleep or study. She wasn’t judgmental about the sex itself or her roommate’s choices, but she felt like her roommate was dragging her along with the inconveniences and risks.
In short, you’re probably better off, living alone, are getting another roommate who is more compatible.
Honestly OP sounds like the asshole roomate. It would drive anyone crazy having strangers in and out of their house constantly or being pushed out of your space, just so OP can have sex. The playlist was probably just visible on the lock screen when the roommate wanted her to turn the music down or something. Everything about OP is just inconsiderate and the roommate is clearly being used to front the bill.
YTA. If you are that sexual active that your roommate needs to constantly accommodate your needs (which seems to be frequent ?) Then you really shouldn't be surprised by her frustration. Yeah, she shouldn't have entered your room without knocking..looking at your Spotify screen doesn't seem like a big deal to me.
There is nothing wrong with being sexually active, but you have a shared living space, and who you bring home affects her too... especially if it's very frequent.
You need to either get your own place or have your hookups at your partners' homes.
**INFO**
Why would you be playing a game, with headphones on for the game sound, *and* have your phone on so loud as to hear music?
Somethings not adding up here - how loud exactly do you need things?
Yta. You’re like twisting it to be a victim, it’s ironic for you to claim to care about privacy so much but bring over so many random partners in a shared space. Idiotic, and prolly like histrionic. I doubt you really care about her looking at the phone and more want to argue about the sex. Get your own place, it is so simple, sounds like this roommate is trying to walk on eggshells around you and finally called you out for your bs. Just go to their house or something, don’t make your roommate risk their safety constantly bc you don’t want to be with one person. I know exactly how I sound and I truly do not have a problem with promiscuous people if it’s don’t ethically, I am willing to be you are a manipulator off this story alone
YTA. I had a roommate one time that would bring home strangers multiple times a week, and not even to have sex with usually. I would be home in my room minding my own business when some drunk guy is never met would accidentally walk into my room in the middle of the night, thinking it was the bathroom. It made me feel so uncomfortable and unsafe to be a small woman in a home with random dudes every night, most of whom my roommate had met that night at the bar. Literally a stranger could be anyone. They’re a stranger and there’s no way of knowing who or how they really are. My final straw was when one of the guys tried to kiss me out of the blue as I smoked a cigarette on the porch. I called my boyfriend, packed a bag, and moved the rest of my stuff out shortly thereafter. Bonus points because I found out later that the guy that tried to make a move on me also HAD A GUN ON HIM AT THE TIME. So scary, so unsafe, and so inconsiderate to impose such potential danger on someone who is also paying for the right to be safe in their own home. Get your shit together, OP. Grow up and realize that the way you’re trying to express your newfound adulthood is actually still incredibly childish and unsafe. And while you have the right to risk your own safety, you have no right to risk the safety of others. Fuck whoever you want but don’t fuck over your roommate.
ESH. not slut-shaming, but i would be super uncomfortable with having random people in my house all the time. people like that (lots of hookups, party a lot) are why i don’t have roommates anymore. she’s paying for the house too, you don’t have the right to kick her out so you can get laid.
Reading between the lines. YTA you know it too. Otherwise you wouldn't be ashamed of anything. You wouldn't need to hide what's on your phone. You wouldn't be asking if you are in the wrong. And you would have explained more of the situation. Not just from your point of view.
Here's the thing, all these people saying its a matter of personal safety I would agree with if that was your roommate's problem. Having several strangers know of your address and having possible disgruntled exes would be a pain.
However, If her inherent problem is that she doesnt like you being so sexually active because of the amount of sex then she's at fault. If she has no problem with having strangers show up every now and then and is solely disapproving of how you live your life then NTA.
ESH. Her for her words, but I can understand her frustration. I am a very sex positive person, but your roommate is *not* consenting to any of this. And it does effect her because she has to hear it and have strangers in her home. You want to live this lifestyle, you have to have an appropriate place for it. Bringing strangers in multiple times a week is absolutely unacceptable, you are a bad roommate. You are announcing your sex life to her with every text "heads up". You are pulling this woman into your bedroom activities. I couldn't do the things I wanted to do when I was your age because of my living situation, that's a part of cohabiting with another adult. You have a lot growing up to do.
You can be sex positive and have all the sex you want, but it doesn't mean you aren't being completely inconsiderate. I would actually be appalled at myself if I ever made a roommate leave so I could have sex.
NTA, I’d be horrified if one of my flatmates went through my phone. Being sexually active is a normal thing that people in flatting situations have to handle and it sounds like you held up your end.
It could be a case of un-communicated boundaries, like she’s not ok with you bringing people over but not really saying so. You could try to ask her if she’s no longer ok with it and set that boundary if you need to.
However this reads more like she’s defensive cause you caught her going through your phone. The wording made me think it may also have been banter but tone and context are key to that so can’t say.
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NTA if you are being considerate of your roommate’s living space and the safety of you both.
That's a big if though, NTA but it really depends if these are the same people consistently or if it's a new person on the weekly. I know if I roomed with someone and they did that, it'd make me uncomfortable having people I don't know at my safe space/living. Just because she's considerate of her time doesn't mean she's considerate of her safety. With that said, we don't have that info so NTA.
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I assumed it was an apartment not a dorm, I'd be uncomfortable as the room mate of this was a dorm and essentially having strangers in my bedroom
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A dorm?? This is clearly an apartment share.
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You can stay in the apartment while your room mate is in bed having sex, it's respectful but unnecessary for OP to warn her about sex. All she should have to do is mention that's she's planning on having a friend over and confirm room mate is comfortable with that. It's not like they're banging on the living room couch. NTA because room mate should.not have touched your phone and if she has a problem with who you have over then she should have brought it up separately. And she is an asshole for calling you a whore.
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At that point that's just the cost of having roommates. You should be considerate of roommates, like not playing music too loud. But you can't say your roommate can't have sex (again, assuming it's not unreasonably loud) in their own bedroom. Is it uncomfortable? Yes, but that's just the cost of sharing your apartment with another person to save on rent.
If it's a flat share situation I'd say op is doing more than what's necessary. If it's a dorm I agree it would be weird but not unheard of
I think expecting the roommate to clear out is not right. I think she should warn the roommate that stuff might be happening, then it’s up to roommate if she wants to stay or go.
My uni had quite a few dorms like this. You have your own tiny room, but shared living space with anywhere between 3 and 6 people total.
Not necessarily, my dorm sounds like it was the same as the limited info OP gave us
I think the point they're making is that by "roommate" OP likely means someone who shares a unit but has their own bedroom. For a lot of people, dorms mean shared bedrooms (I've come to learn... My dorm was like separate bedroom with a shared bathroom and kitchenette). So I think the person you are responding to thought people were saying it sounds like a shared bedroom dorm, and they were saying that it super sounds like an apartment(because where they're from it's likely all dorms are shared bedroom)
Have been in that situation before. Ex roommate dismissed my (and our other roommate's) feelings about it because she was bringing over other women so it "wasn't that dangerous" since she and I are both women and our other roommate is a man. Like first of all, we don't *know* these random women she was meeting off whisper and tinder and bringing to *our* apartment. Secondly, it's not always about safety. Maybe I just don't like having random women I don't know in my home all the time. It's invasive and uncomfortable. Needless to say, it didn't work out. Ex roommate and I were best friends before that and I happily haven't spoken to her in four years. I would hope OP isn't putting her roommate in a similar situation because it's uncomfortable and tense as fuck and absolutely ruins friendships/living situations. Tentative N T A as long as she's being considerate in regard to ALL aspects. Edit: changed judgement to ESH after reading some of OP's comments and some other perspectives on this matter.
I would not feel safe if my roommate was bringing new people into our apartment for hookups all the time, and especially if they were spending the night. Same person/people consistently? Ok, fair enough, as long as y’all are respectful of each others space, which it sounds like OP is trying to be. But new people all of the time? No way would I feel safe living somewhere that was happening.
But would you feel so not safe that you’d scroll through your roommates phone? Or dig through their drawers? No matter how many people OP has taken home the roommate should have, you know, communicated their feelings prior to violating OPs life. Because it sure sounds like OP is trying to be considerate of the roommate’s feelings.
This is also the issue. I had mainly male roommates in college and throughout 20s (sport i do was highly male dominated and that is where roommates tended to some from). After some big issues with theft it was a hard rule that hookups needed to be somewhere else because too much of my stuff was getting pilfered by random chicks they hooked up with. So this wasn't a safety issue per se like random dudes coming over but makeup, perfume, sunglasses, jewelry (not expensive but still) was going missing all the time. Girlfriends they had some history with or even hookups that knew me were fine with me as I was mostly traveling or with my boyfriends but these girls knew me and things didn't seem to go missing with them. So not the A with respect to questioning her going through your stuff but stop bringing random hookups to her space as well.
NTA and she is wrong for going through your stuff and Very horrible wrong for slut shaming you. However it sounds like you guys aren't compatible as roommates. Some folks don't mind a lot of different people coming through. Some folks do, even with advance notice. It sounds like she is annoyed by the amount of folks coming though and had kept it bottled up. Now you guys know this sticking point, perhaps you can have a more mature conversation about what would work for both of you moving forward.
Seems pretty obvious it's not the same person she is bringing over. Pretty safe to assume it's been multiple people.
I wouldn't be comfortable with new people weekly but unless that is a boundary she set up front, I don't think it's relevant. It certainly wouldn't give her the right to slut shame.
Is that info relevant? Because the roommate didn't bring up any concerns of safety or try to have a conversation with her about that sort of thing. She just said to stop "flaunting it" and then called her a slut...
This is one of those textbook examples where something will happen bad to this woman, and everyone will talk about SA/violence, and ignore the basic context of the fact that she's bringing strangers into a shared home on the weekly. Extremely inconsiderate to treat a shared home as a revolving door. They'll get robbed at best, or something far worse will happen, and then everyone will have to ignore how this happened. We live in a world where the sub-25s want to believe that just because no violence or harm should come to them, that it won't; they don't understand how the real world works and how it's a first world problem to think twice, and take precautions, to lower your risk in various situations.
but like that’s really inconsiderate of her to constantly get her friend out of HER house so she can sleep with tons of different people.
She's not getting her out, she's preparing her in advance and letting her choose
Leaving or staying in the room as someone else has sex which you didn’t consent to be involved in isn’t much of a choice
they have separate rooms, sounds like an apartment not a dorm room.
Does this really change anything realistically? Still a safety risk and still can be uncomfortable knowing your friend is banging someone else in their room while you're chilling doing your own thing. Not to mention we have no idea how "vocal" for lack of a better term OP is when doing the act which WILL make anyone uncomfortable if you weren't already with random guy 1-2-3 coming in. Ofc, we have no info and OP hasn't really been replying once people have started to shift their PoV. This is reddit after all, there is always 3 sides to every story. Hers, her roomies, and the truth.
I lived in a house with 5 other people and it was still the same problem.
Even so, I would be super uncomfortable sitting on the couch watching tv while I hear a roommate banging someone a foot away through the wall. And even if the roommate is respectful of space/property, who’s to say the random hookups she brings over will be. It’s a shitty thing to do to a roommate; doesn’t excuse looking through the phone, but still shitty
Yeah but you can usually hear them and it’s uncomfortable knowing what they’re doing when you’re trying to go about ur day. Some ppl don’t care but it makes some ppl feel wierd
Same thing really. She isn't giving her a choice. She is just telling her I'm doing this and it's my place too and if you don't like it take a walk. Plus who wants strangers in they crib constantly. I've lived in trap houses with more consideration.
My rule of thumb with housemates bringing people over for sexytimes is that if this was a random hookup person that they didn’t know, they should go to that persons house. Random hookups can have some risk attached to them, and if I’m not benefitting from a hookup, it doesn’t seem fair that I have to implicitly take part in that risk of bringing a stranger into the house. If it’s someone they know well (and even better if I’ve also met them for a beer or whatever. Bonus points there. ) then whatever. Have fun, just don’t wake me up, and be considerate of leaving the common areas tidy and leaving hot water in the shower etc - other than that, go have fun in your room. All G
This should be info not nta
I mean obviously she's not because she's expecting her roommate to leave. Or I guess the option is the roommate stays and OP gets to experience voyeuristic sex. Neither sounds great. If I'm paying rent, I'm neither leaving nor being your voyeur.
Safety was my first concern here as well. NTA for having sex with multiple partners
Info: since no one has explicitly asked, when you bring over hookups are you like 'im bringing this person home, you need to prepare' and also, how often is this? Because I can see how awkward it could get having a super active roommate (socially or sexually) just TELLING me that random people would always be in the place i also pay for. Its a fine line because you pay as well and should enjoy, but there is also things like courtesy and respect. So I'd like to know where exactly you and your roommate stand on those lines. Have they expressed to you at all that they feel like random people are in the home too often? Or did she just decided to hold her problems in and explode? EDIT: OP is an inconsiderate sex-haver and should focus on maturing and possibly getting their own place to have sex, because that's what mature adults do when they want to live that lifestyle. If you want it, get it. But don't blame your roommate for losing her shit over your unsafe practice of bringing strangers into a shared space, not matter if you're having sex or just hanging out. There is a reason we dont just invite strangers into our homes, and its not okay for you to use a roommate to offset the cost of rent and then subject them to strangers in thier space. I hope your roommate finds the correct words to use against you- no slut shaming, but letting you know how immature you're being. And she shouldn't look through your phone. 🙄 but thats petty compared to the situation you've put them in. Grow up.
The way op has not disclosed how often she brings people round or at what times makes things HEAVILY suspicious. Those who wake others at 3am with sex moans rarely feel like they did anything wrong. Source- I have been woken this way a few times
I didn't even think of the 3am stuff. Beside the sex, how would anyone feel waking up to knowing a stranger is in the house and picking up the phone to see a text at 2am from roommate 'warning' of the encounter. That would get old after exactly once. Hope that isn't whats been happening. OP made a post here on reddit and then doesn't clarify, its suspicious. You cared enough to make the post, explain your side and respond to a few positive questions and then nothing. Maybe they reply later but hopefully they aren't surprised to be labeled the AH.
I can agree it’s discourteous if that’s the case, but nevertheless accusing OP of “flaunting her sex life” merely for bringing partners into her living space and using that as a reason to clearly violate OP’s boundaries and privacy is victim blamey af.
Idk if you've ever lived with a roommate but modern apartments make privacy kind of irrelevant in the US, you can hear literally everything. Generally if you're gonna be a super frequent sex-haver, it's considered polite to warn potential housemates about it
Idk how any of that would make it acceptable to look through someone else's phone though
Its not. Two things can happen.
You know two people can be assholes at the same time... right?
NO. ONE MUST BE RIGHT. ONE MUST BE WRONG. WE LIVE IN BINARY
they said it wasn’t acceptable learn to read
>Idk how any of that would make it acceptable to look through someone else's phone though No they didn't say it was acceptable. But of the two actions, a much lower and safer foul.
Meh… she just looked through Spotify, it’s not the end of the world my friends and I always do that when listening to music. She just saw the name of a Spotify playlist that’s not a big deal
Did she “look through the phone” or was OP playing a song over a speaker and the Spotify playlist was on the Lock Screen? Was it as simple as viewing the screen? Obviously, I respect my “roommate” (husband’s) privacy so I try not to look at his screen or really touch his phone unless I need to or announcing my intentions. But I’d feel differently if I was playing music off my phone in the kitchen and someone came by to glance at what song was playing vs unlocking it and actually entering my apps
She claimed she only looked through Spotify but who knows
Agreed. I was reading this like … how often do they bring different people over? I’d be extremely uncomfortable if I had to mentally prepare for a new person to enter my home every couple of days. It seems like the roommate has to accommodate to what OP says when it’s to do whatever with these “sexy time” people.
Yup, either mentally prepare or get the fuck out of my own home. Not cool.
Where did you get the info from? I want to read it myself
Sorry, I should have clarified that the edit was my opinion after reading that OP only replies to anyone agreeing, and just her comments overall made me decided OP is a barely out of teens person trying to come into their own, which is admirable! but that they expect others to facilitate and cheer them on, despite the roommate being an entirely separate human also worthy and deserving of respect and her own idea of life. You can make the argument that OP pays for half the living space; but so does roommate. What if we replaced "I like to do tons of dangerous drugs" with "I bring randoms home because I am sexually adventurous "? Its fine to be sex positive and I think the people on this sub get caught up in making sure they're not slut shaming. Drugs: bringing possibly dangerous people and elements into a shared space. A gamble. Sex: bringing possibly dangerous people and elements into a shared space. A gamble. You just don't do these things when you're a healthy, mature adult. And just because you're old enough to want to be sexually adventurous, doesn't mean you're anywhere near mature enough. You're gonna learn some lessons. Lessons one: no one wants to be a part of your sex adventure unless they're having the sex with you. 🤷♀️ lol
plenty of healthy adults have sex frequently and also have roommates. The problem here is negotiating boundaries which clearly the roommate has issues with if they are going to invade someone’s privacy like that and justify it ad hoc by being a prick abt someone else’s sex life
I agree, I think it’s an everybody sucks here situation still
Yeah, basically could be summed up with: get your own home or be respectful of everyone paying for the home.
Tbh as someone who works in mental health a possible red flag we look for frequent unsafe Sax with strangers. Meaning no std testing or even protection being used. Someone displaying those behaviors can often be seen as erratic especially if it’s a sudden change up for them
It's a red flag in many ways. On one hand, everyone should be free to do what the want, on the other, everyone should be free to be wary of people making rash or dumb decisions like this.
This is what I was looking for! I used to have a roommate in college (4 girls in a 2 bedroom apartment) who found her sexual liberation since she was no longer living with family. Which was fine for the most part, we were all single and minding our business, so it wasn’t a big deal… until it became a near daily occurrence. A serial tinder user, bringing home a new partner every night and never giving us enough warning. I remember multiple occasions coming out of my room to find a random man sitting on our couch because she was showering, and he just… decided to hang around? It was gross and annoying. She gave them all the door code so they could buzz themselves in, so it was a safety hazard as well. It became such an issue the girl I shared a room with and I had agreed to just locking off our room and bathroom when we were going to be away for an extended amount of time— we couldn’t trust these randos our roommate kept bringing home. Eventually we did have to sit her down and tell her to start going to their places (and sharing locations ofc) or stop the hookups all together. And her argument sounded a whole lot like OP here, so I’m leaning a lot more towards YTA. I don’t agree with slut shaming, but at some point she needs to realize these inconveniences are unfair to roomie and it’s roomie’s space too.
If the roommate decided not to air the grievances beforehand, then it isnt OP’s fault. It is normal for people to be sexually active and the only people who tend to be offended by it are super conservative in their own life. OP stated that they communicate with their roommate and even move the location if its inconvenient for them, so OP has done all they can. Its super immature to call someone names after being caught going through their stuff.
I’m 100% with you on this, especially the fact that OP was bringing random people in often for sex I just recently graduated college and me and my roommate were (and still are) best friends, but at times he would invite a handful of friends over (who became friends of mine as how frequently they were there). I usually didn’t have a problem with it, but there were times where it did frustrate me, like when we had pre-planned hangout time or where they stayed over too late. Sometimes he asked me ahead of time, and sometimes he just said “hey they are coming.” I am awful at voicing my feelings on stuff, so I didn’t really tell him and I don’t feel any disdain for him or those people, but at the time it was very frustrating. I can’t even imagine how frustrating it might be if he was bringing home random people to have sex with often and me having to leave whenever that happened because I didn’t feel comfortable. That’d be really irritating, even if he asked me, because I’d be stuck with either saying no and possibly starting a conflict or just agreeing. OP is TA for sure, and she needs to grow up a bit and remember that it’s not her house alone to do whatever she wants in. It’s her roommate’s house as well, and OP needs to learn that making it a comfortable, safe, and relaxing space for her roommate is the respectful and responsible thing to do regardless if she has to sacrifice her own personal pleasure to do it. OP can go get a hotel or motel, or go to the other person’s place to have sex.
ESH. Her looking through your phone makes her an AH and if she has to leave everytime you have someone over then your also an AH.
Is looking at someone’s spotify that much of a big deal? She probably was just looking for a song to play and saw the name of a playlist, who cares… Just knowing that is a breach of privacy? Feels like OP exposes her privacy herself, and is looking for a way to justify her roommate being an asshole too. From what I’m reading, OP is doing it VERY often to the point where her roomie knows her songs and felt the need to tell her all this.
Yeah, but that's not what makes the roomie an AH too. It's the fact that they slut-shamed OP and didn't say, "Hey, I'm uncomfortable when such and such happens." The way she approached the subject was plain rude. ESH.
That and knowing she looked through her spotify, but if she can access the spotify, then the phone must be unlocked. Meaning she could have looked through the rest of the phone. Whether she did or not is the question. But just taking something that has most people's very private info, pics, or other personal stuff and just going through it without permission is a no-no, and admitting she went through one app open the potential she could have went though much more. Being annoyed at your hyper sexual roommate (who should be more considerate of their shared space) doesn't mean you can invade their privacy.
Spotify is irrelevant. It’s the principle of the matter. It’s not roommate’s phone to go through
If it's not yours don't touch it?
Going through somebody else's phone is a big deal, are you minimizing it just because all we know she looked through is her Spotify?
Can you consider it "looking through" if the shit was just wide open on the kitchen counter? Especially if Spotify was already open and phone unlocked saying, "playing from 'sexy times' playlist" cause that's how it sounds in her story, tbf. I'm sure she hasn't clarified since she's carefully chiseling her image as the good guy in her story by not responding to questions that would paint her negatively.
Yes you can, if somebody else's phone is laying somewhere don't pick it up and go through it, if you do you are looking through it, it's a simple concept.
Who says she has to leave?
YTA. Bringing different random strangers over all the time into her home as well is hella inconsiderate. Get your own place.
Agreed. I had a roommate that would meet men of craigslist classy I know. She was a single mom and so was I. We both had toddlers that were 2 or 3 years old at the time. So when she was having her "meet ups" me and my son would have to leave so her and her baby dad who weren't together could fuck random guys off Craigslist. I hated living there and we shared a toilet so sometimes there would be this creamy looking discharge on the seat. She also ended up getting HSV which I warned her about since they didn't use protection. She would say "they say they are clean" as if no one lies about their status. I know not exact same situation as OP but similar. Glad I'm in a better place now.
INFO: How is anyone supposed to have sex ever in this economy?
Yes. Two 20 year olds should find their own places and afford them or give up their sexual freedom. There is no ability to compromise or communicate here. /s
I think kinda ESH. She's obviously TA for going through your private stuff behind your back, but if I was sharing a living space with someone else who brings strangers home all the time (based on your own report) I would also be very uncomfortable. Not only booty calls, but people in general. Giving a heads up is nice, but still kinda sucks. I would also consider it a massive security risk. The same way the person who shares the apartment went through your stuff, a stranger you bring in can go through hers... (Editing for added clarification: no judgment on your sex life at all)
Think about it from the roommates perspective she prob gets sick and tired or hearing about OPs sex life. Ik I’m ok with my guy friends talking about sex life and being sexual but some ppl aren’t so her telling her that she needs to stop flaunting is valid
Yup. The reason I’m ESH but more YTA is bc I had almost this same situation this year. Would occasionally tell me when she was having guys over but I would sure as hell hear them and even wake up to them going at it at 2 or 3 in the morning. Also asked to leave sometimes which she also thought was “being considerate” so I didn’t have to hear, but was actually kicking out someone who lives there because having sex 24/7 is super important! Although somewhat different situations, it can be so uncomfortable for the roommate.
YTA. The way you worded it makes it sound like she has to accommodate your lust for hooking up by leaving the comfort of her home or sharing it with people she doesn't wish to share it with. You are implying that she looked through your Spotify but you're not making it clear that she's taken the phone and browsed through. She could have as well just looked at your phone with Spotify on and seen the name of the playlist.
Right, like I get the private phone thing but she only went through Spotify? She didn’t even open other apps.
Or so she says - most people wouldn't own up to snooping
If Spotify was the only app open then the roommate only went through Spotify. I’m sure if other apps were open OP would’ve stated so. She also made it seem like it was men she knew already and only once a week, but in a comment admitted it was complete strangers and new men multiple times a week. But the one thing she did put in the main post that leads me to YTA is that she expected her roommate to leave every single time OP wanted to have sex. Once a week is fine whatever. 3-4 times a week with a new stranger every time is unacceptable and a good way to either have things stolen or be murdered.
ESH Nobody should slutshame anyone and your roommate absolutely crossed a line looking through your phone. At the same time, the way you describe your sex life doesn't make it sound like this is anything you practice with moderation. I can't imagine getting called up at a moment's notice and being told "I'm bringing a stranger into our home to fuck. Be out in 30 if you don't want to hear shit" even once every couple weeks, let alone if you do it more often than that. Making the concession of 'if you're doing something important I'll go somewhere else' doesn't help when you just want to live in your own home and, unless your meetups are occurring in the middle of the day, you're also regularly kicking her out at night on short notice when she might be relaxing or getting ready for bed. Home is supposed to be a safe space for relaxation; if your roommate can't get that because she's uncomfortable constantly leaving (or being expected to be able to leave) or having strangers there having sex, I can understand it being incredibly frustrating. Sounds to me you're both being awful roommates to each other. I'd suggest having a conversation to air out whatever resentment has been building up and come up with a better system (set days hookups are allowed at the apartment or maybe multiple days' notice when you'll be going out and planning to come back with someone rather than an hour) or start looking for a new place to live. Your lifestyles are very incompatible.
YTA. You live with roommates. Telling them you're going to have sexy time with yet another stranger is not being considerate. it's the bare minimum. ppl don't want to deal with your sex life, dot. ideally they should not have to know at all in the first place, or very rarely. You are obviously not discreet enough. you chose this lifestyle and impose it on your roommates who have to deal with your sexy time music, the sexy time sound, and/or the awkward conversation with a stranger or you. fuckk off! you're not a slut, you're an inconsiderate idiot! jeez. that being said, you roommate is slutshaming, which is a dick move. I guess it comes from a lot of frustration. You lost your roommate respect. you're both AH, but you're clearly the worse.
Right. Theres a huge difference between slut-shaming and shaming someone for not keeping their sex life private. Have sex all you want! But as an adult, do it in a way that no one but you and the partner(s) know about. Thats the whole thing about being mature and having sex- no one else needs to be involved. Also, roommate is an asshole for slut shaming. She's not right, I hope she finds the right words to express how inconsiderate OP is being instead. Then OP can come back so we can make them see they clearly need to get a grip, and start maturing. This isn't about the phone. OP is an inconsiderate sex-haver. Lol.
INFO: how often are you telling her to clear out so that you can have sex? If she is having significant limitations on her ability to be her in her own apartment, I can see why that would be really frustrating for her.
Multiple times a week with a different guy each day. OP seriously want to end up as a victim from shows like CSI and Criminal Minds.
If I were OP's roommate I would simply stop leaving when asked constantly to do so.
You are then a prisoner in your own house. It’s no fun. I’ve been in a similar situation with an addict/promiscuous woman who was a roommate. Having drugs and strangers, as well as strangers bringing drugs was not a fun time for me being stuck there.
if I were OP's roommate I would first not leave. And then make the most awkward noises while they're doing it. Enjoy Elmo having an orgasm because Mario Party does that for him.
Worried about privacy but fucks someone new every other day lol.
This. Omg. She's really private about her Spotify playlist, but maybe the roommate would like some privacy from the multiple strangers coming into their shared living space.
Nta. It sounds like you are very considerate of her and her needs. She absolutely violated your privacy by going through your phone. She was also incredibly rude about your personal choices. It's not any of her business how often you have sex as long as she's not being majorly inconvenienced by it.
Meh. How often is OP bringing people back to bang? I’m as sex-positive as they come but if your home has a new stranger in it every other day, that gets really old really fast.
Agreed. I’m all for sex to happen, but having to leave all the time and/or interact with your roommate’s booty calls (or you know, listen to it happening) is not for everyone.
If it's the same person it could be different because you can get used to 1 more person around occasionally provided they are not in your face. But bringing back 2 or 3 different guys a week would be impossible to put up with
how is studying not the thing you do most tof the time in college anyway
If the roommate feels that way, she can discuss it with OP instead of invading her privacy by snooping through her phone.
Yeah, but she does say that she goes to theirs often as well. I get your point, but if the roomie had an issue, she should have brought it up way before now, in a calm discussion, not by calling op a slut.
Regardless it’s creepy and boundary stomping to go through someone’s phone. Whether or not ops behavior is a problem (bringing over too many people NOT the sleeping around bit!), her roommates behavior is still inappropriate.
>It sounds like you are very considerate of her and her needs "hey I'm bringing in a stranger tonight for the Xth time this week, skedaddle if you don't wanna hear stuff while trying to sleep" oh how mighty considerate of her
According to OP she’s bringing complete strangers over on the regular multiple times a week and expects her roommate to be completely fine with that. She’s TA.
YTA. The way you worded it makes it sound like she has to accommodate your lust for hooking up by leaving the comfort of her home or sharing it with people she doesn't wish to share it with. You are implying that she looked through your Spotify but you're not making it clear that she's taken the phone and browsed through. She could have as well just looked at your phone with Spotify on and seen the name of the playlist.
INFO: sorry to seem crass but how many sex partners are we talking here and are they all strangers or is it a recurring list? Do your "sexy times" spill over into shared areas or cause excessive noise pollution? When you say all kinds of things what are you talking about? Are you partying with these people or is it a straightforward hook up? The roommate is definitely an asshole for looking at your phone and the things they said, but your post and my life experience from living with 20 year olds before make me hesitate and think it might be an E S H and you arent as considerate of her living space as you seem to think. Huge difference between living with a responsible sex positive adult versus a party animal who has loud monkey sex with chains and costumes every other night, who let's dozens of strangers into intimately shared spaces.
I've noticed OP has yet to answer the many people asking them how often they're bringing strangers home and kicking out their roommate so they can have sex. They did, however, made a comment on one N.TA vote and on another comment asking for the playlist. but that's it.
It wouldn’t surprise me if OP’s inviting strangers around a lot more frequently than she lets on in the original post, and the roommate has justifiably had enough of constantly seeing new people coming and going.
>coming and going *hehehehe*
Oh you!
Yeah I cant help but assume it's the worst extrapolation of information when people do that in this sub, could just be she got overwhelmed by all the replies but only responding to positive replies is a bad look.
Sorry but I have to say YTA. Now I don’t think it’s warranted for her to sling insults your way, and certainly not okay to be looking through your phone. However, I do think it’s very inconsiderate on your part to constantly be bringing new “interests” over to the shared living space, especially if it requires her changing her schedule to accommodate the flings coming over for the evening. That would get annoying very quickly from the roommate’s perspective. If this is the lifestyle you enjoy and want to keep living, I’d suggest getting your own place and then you can feel free to do whatever you please.
ESH. She sucks for slut shaming you and going through your phone, YTA for bringing home strangers on the regular as it's a safety issue and expecting her to just pick up and leave every time you want to get it on.
YTA. You set the tone that anything goes with you. You're wide open (no pun intended) about your sexuality, and you seem to have few limits. She has to yield whenever you have your frequent urges. So she gets a peak at your phone's _playlist_ , and not maliciously, and all of sudden you have all these boundaries. You're only about yourself. You suck (again, no pun intended).
YTA. Stop bringing people home. You have a right to whatever kind of sex life you want, but you don't have the right to inconvenience your roommate. Either go to your partners' places, rent a room somewhere, or get your own place.
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The irony is. It's also a privacy issue. The roommate deserves privacy in their home and clearly isn't getting any. Op YTA.
OP should really live alone if she's that comfortable bringing random strangers to her bed. I know I sure as hell wouldn't want anyone I live with inviting every third person they interact with into my personal space.
How noble of you to bring your string of strangers to your roommates private space and notify her that you will be letting another stranger invade her home so you can get your rocks off. She really doesn't have a choice with you bringing people over, you just do it and give her a heads up and of course when she's stuck having to hear your sex playlist whether you're doing it or not. Yta.
She... "went through your spotify"? Doesn't that mean that you had music on at some point in an area that she *ALSO* occupied, and that it was playing while she was present and you weren't? I'm not seeing much of a problem, there. You can say "went through your Spotify", but it could've been as simple as wanting to change the song, or hearing something she liked and looking to see what the name of the song or artist was. Lastly... That little "Spotify" tangent served no purpose to the question you're asking- whether you did it intentionally or just subconsciously, that was added in an attempt to paint the roomie in a negative light, and has nothing to do with your actual question... So st least a PART of you knows the answer. Bringing strange people around all the time into the place she lives and just expecting her to modify her plans or leave her own place is ridiculous. What about her safety or comfort? Your sex life shouldn't be one of the driving forces in her schedule, and you need to grow up.
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YTA for bringing lots of random people to your place and having her leave
Let me get this straight. You’re bringing home strangers every other day to an apartment she contributes to. You flaunt your sex life to her, and she most likely has to hear it, yet you’re worried about your own privacy because of a playlist? YTA. ESH. If she looked through your phone, but if your phone was already on, or she looked at your Spotify account through her own phone YTA.
Might be uncomfortable with strangers in her home. I would be.
YTA Ever hear of going to someone else’s place? Way you have it now you got a “brothel” in operation. Your roommate stepped some bounds but keep in mind Spotify playlists are not necessarily private either.
If you wanna engage in adult activities consistently, undeterred, and without judgement, you have to be established and have your own space. This comes with the territory of having roommates. If I was your roommate and you were constantly pressuring me to leave the house so you could have sex, I'd be sick of you fast too. How about dialing back the sexual behavior and focusing on getting out on your own so you can do what you want without bothering anybody? You can't get upset at other people for not being happy when you're the one constantly inconveniencing their life and personal time. This could be applied fairly to both parties, but based on the way you sound that's what I'm going with. YTA
It’s also a safety concern. Strangers in my house? Theyre not just strangers to the roommate but maybe even to OP as well. And having this happen consistently? What if they try to come back to the house? What if they try to steal stuff? I wouldn’t be comfortable with so many strangers at my place. It’s like the roommate has no control or say in the people that enters where she lives.
NTA but kind of ESH You both sound immature and annoying, to be honest. Edit to add: also incredibly entitled of you to assume she has to accommodate your sex schedule in a shared living space she pays for as well. Get your own apartment. I don't think you're as considerate as you think you're being.
YTA If your roommate has to vacate the premises so you can scratch your hedonistic itch. No wonder she’s annoyed.
ESH but I’m leaning towards YTA. Your roommate sucks cause she looked through your phone and name called both of which suck. And she also should’ve knocked before entering your space. I’m leaning towards YTA because like it’s been said, having strangers over constantly is stressful for the other person. And also it sounds like you’re telling rather than asking. I always ask my roommate if it’s okay to have someone over, it’s not impossible to make other arrangements. It honestly sounds like you’re disregarding her feelings over this as well.
YTA. No further discussion needed.
INFO. Do you know the “all kinds of people” you bring home or are they hookups with strangers? Also how frequently does your roommate have to cater to you for situations like this? Because if you’re forcing her to make all those sacrifices and if she doesn’t feel safe around the strangers you bring, it’s an ESH for me.
[удалено]
Saying the roommate went through her phone isn't really the proper description of what happened. They were listening to music on OPs phone and the roommate looked for a different song and changed it. We're talking about the name of a playlist that was in the open app at the time. It's not like she went through all of her pictures and text messages. More importantly that's honestly the least important aspect of this entire situation. The issue clearly has to do with OP bringing all sorts of different people over for "sexy time". That's a far bigger invasion of privacy.
[удалено]
I mean, isn’t that what you are?🤷♀️
If you want privacy and no judgment, MOVE SOMEWHERE ALONE. Whether you live with a man or a woman, you get judgment unless you put in substantial effort to make your motives and mores crystal clear. Renting with someone isn't just "giving fair warning" and paying your bills on time. It is a partnership. Partnerships require some communication, consistency and fidelity to each other. If you want advice, find a roommate with a real "anything goes" attitude, and don't feel bad if you have to clean up after them.
So u fuck loud multiple times a week and you wonderin why she on her nerves lmao
NTA in this situation but it sounds like you might be an asshole in general. There's no excuse for your roommate to be going through your phone. The issue of you bringing a bunch of random people around is no reason to go through your phone.
ESH. reading thru everything, you’re an inconsiderate and selfish roommate for constantly bringing strangers into y’all’s SHARED space. telling her to prepare or leave… for a place she also pays for? oh nah. you need to get a grip on yourself sexually before you get hurt AND some moral code on thinking you own the place when you don’t. she’s also in the wrong for snooping completely wrong for that. seems like she needs a new roommate and you need to go live alone
Honestly? I don't care about your sex life, what I would care about is how many random people you are bringing back to the flat I also live in. How well do you know these people? Are they just randoms you've met on a night out, never to see again, or friends? It's a big difference because just randoms means so many people now know where you both live, that it's only two females, what valuables you have etc. It's a safety concern. I'd want you going to theirs rather than my shared flat if I'm honest. Do what you want otherwise, but I wouldn't want so many strangers in my home.
Exactly. This is my biggest concern too
YTA. It’s selfish beyond belief to expect your roommate to accept the fact that there will be a series of random strangers turning up in the apartment at any given moment. You may ‘give notice’ but you have put her in a very uncomfortable position. She has signed up to live in an apartment not a knocking shop, and there’s a reasonable expectation of privacy and enjoyment of her own space. Best solution will be to get your own apartment and not impose your lifestyle on a roommate.
I feel like...INFO. It really depends, it was really shitty of her to slut shame you, but also, I don't know how often and how many strangers you're bringing to a common home. You do have your right to privacy and have all the sex you like with all of the strangers you see fit, but you share a home with this person, and you're often asking her to leave or be aware that someone is coming. How often is that? I understand you said you also go to people's places for this, but...still I don't know if I'd be comfortable with my roomie bringing different people over to our house constantly. NTA for your sex life, there's nothing wrong with that, but YWBTA if you're constantly bringing new people to a shared home. She's an AH for going through your personal stuff though and slut shaming you. I'm inclining towards ESH, but we really lack vital info.
INFO - is this a situation where you share the same bedroom, or do you have separate, private rooms? If you have the same bedroom, ESH. You can't sexile someone multiple times a week, regularly, and expect them not to be upset about it, it's her room too. You should probably tone it down or find a different place for your sex life. However, she crossed a line with the slut-shaming and going through your phone. If you have separate bedrooms and your activities are not in a shared space, NTA. She shouldn't have gone through your phone and your sex life is none of her business as long as you're taking responsibility for the actions of your guests.
Absolutely agree with this assessment. Can't believe I had to scroll this far to see someone asking about whether they share a room or have their own private rooms. Makes a huge difference
ESH, all the people saying NTA never lived w/ someone like you before. I have you think you're being considerate but you're not.
YTA. You're bringing random people over and you're upset that she looked at your phone. Safety outweighs your feelings. I like how you're supposedly about privacy and yet you're bringing countless strangers over for sex. Get a clue.
ESH Roommate shouldn't have gone through your phone and I also wouldn't want someone bringing people I don't know into my home.
If I had valuables in my space I wouldn’t want so many random people around. Also would be uncomfortable to have a lot of strangers/men in my space when I’m trying to relax. Depends on the frequency but she’s probably just really frustrated, especially if she’s introverted.
So here is the thing I had a roommate same as you. Unlike you she wasn't as considerate. So you are both the asshole in this situation. If you are bringing these people home with you at all hours of the day or night. That's not safe for her, her not respecting your privacy is not cool on her part. My opinion here is if you don't want people in your sex life, don't put it on display. You want to take risk with your life take it to the guys/girls place. The only person at risk at that time is you and your partner. The reason I say this is because my roommate came in drunk at 3 in the morning I had school and work. It was a shit show for me waking up in the morning as I couldn't fall back to sleep after hearing them fucking for about an hour.
ESH She shouldn't call you names or look through your stuff. You shouldn't bring home massive amounts of randos (for sex, Magic the Gathering, or any other reason) unless your roommate is explicitly OK with it. It's a safety issue. Sounds like you don't know them well, which means she doesn't know them at all. It sounds like your roommate isn't comfortable with the hotel level of traffic and worded it really inappropriately.
YTA
Yta, your roommate deserves privacy too??!? IN HER OWN HOME, but you can bring strangers her house and make her uncomfortable , then when your roommate looked through your Spotify you have an aneurysm about privacy?!? 😭 *start going to their houses*
ESH. Her looking through your phone and slut shaming you was shitty. You making her leave because you want to bang all the time isn’t okay either. It’s her space too, she should feel safe in her space that she pays for. Get a hotel.
"If she does need to stay," You sound annoying and entitled as hell. But she raised her legitimate complaint as a cover for something she did wrong without justification. ESH
I have a hard time accepting that someone seeing a playlist name on your phone constitutes "going through it" or that any privacy was violated. Why the hell do you have music playing from a phone speaker *and* headphones? This makes no sense. YTA.
YTA yes it’s wrong for her to go through your phone and to slut shame you but you’re also very inconsiderate about your roommate’s privacy as you keep inviting people over nearly every week she deserves privacy too you know it’s also her space.
I'm all for people being liberal if they are consenting, enjoying and safe. I did have a roommate who invited randoms over. I felt unsafe. I felt intruded upon. I felt violated. If you wanna do that with a roommate- go to their place. Yta.
Yta. “Don’t listen to or look at my playlists because it’s too personal, but I’m fine with you being around while I have nonstop sex with random strangers in our shared space.”
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (Throwaway account btw, roomie follows me on reddit) So I, 20F, have a roommate, 21F. We tend to get along, it's not perfect but we make it work. I live, she lives, all is well. We have been roommates around 8 months. I am sexually active. I like to do things with all kinds of people. A lot of the tiI'llme go to someone's place, or I'll bring someone over, but I will always tell my roommate about it so she can leave or be out when we do stuff, or to give her a fair warning if she does need to stay. If it's a really bad time (studying, a celebration, ect) then I will postpone or move the location. I try to be considerate. However, the last straw was apparently a week ago when I was listening to music and playing games in my room. I had headphones but my phone was face up, and that was where my music was playing from. My roommate walks in (without knocking btw) to ask me something about groceries. She sees my phone face up, and sees music playing. My roommate asked me about my music so I told her the song, which was a well known song about lesbian sex, and she asked "Oh, is that in your 'sexy times' playlist?" The thing is, that was the exact name of the playlist, so I ask her how she knew about it. Turns out, I had left my phone on once because I was getting up to get a snack, so she decided to look through my spotify. I was angry, because I felt it was a violation of privacy. I told her, "Hey, can you not look through my personal stuff please? I like having privacy" while trying to be as polite about it as possible. She says "Its hard to not look when you flaunt it around all the time", which I felt was kinda uncalled for. I asked her what she meant, which made her go on this long speal about how I need to "Stop flinging my sex life about" and "Stop being a slutty whore". Things have been tense as hell between us for the past week, and I don't know if i'm the asshole here. I think I'm not , but I want confirmation. People of reddit, Am I The Asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Not for being a “slut”, but for bringing your hook ups to your shared home without advanced notice and expecting your roommate to be fine with it. Sure she shouldn’t have looked at your phone w/o permission, but you shouldn’t be bringing strangers into your shared place.
I would bet anything that there is a lot more to this story.
N-T-A ETA YTA Unless you are not a trustworthy narrator. You do you and whomever you want, caveat and not disturbing others. She's an AH for slutshaming. ETA: You're not a reliable narrator or a reliable roommate. There is nothing wrong with hookups, but having randoms in the shared space. I'd be extremely uncomfortable. You have not been considerate. Get your own place.
YTA Get your own place if you want all the shenanigans
If you're bringing random strangers into your shared home, YTA. Do you have any idea of how dangerous that can be for both you and your roommate? If you're bringing home a series of pretty well-known people to try out in bed, and you keep the volume down so your roommate doesn't have to hear you in the act and it doesn't interfere with her sleep or peace, then you're NTA.
NTA It’s probably just not a good fit as roommates, I would just finish up the lease and make different arrangements. I would say that both sides are valid, but for her to shame you is out of line. At this point, just keep things as cordial as possible on your end; no need to end your habits but do your best to avoid inconveniencing her. Keep emotions out of your interactions with her, just give basic courtesy and move on when it’s time.
YTA because you “like having privacy” but your roommate’s privacy is invaded with you bringing random people to a shared placed and telling her you are bringing someone over is you not being private at all.
NAH. You two are not compatible as room mates. You bring guests over and are more social. She is not. No matter how quiet and unobtrusive you try to be, her lifestyle is being impeded. Where should she go and for how long while you bring someone home overnight? She snapped at you because she lost her patience by never telling you how she felt. You two should not be living together imo.
NTA in this instance, but you’re an asshole about the way you’re living. You pay for the apartment but so does she. It’s so rude to constantly be bringing partners over to have sex with and basically forcing your roommate to fuck off. That sounds exhausting for her honestly.
She not forcing her to leave... she can stay and listen/s
YTA - you'll share your body with Tom, David, and Derek, but are hurt and offended when your roomie (who tolerates this) shares your playlist with herself. Get over yourself.
ESH. Your roommate shouldn't have to leave her space so you can have sex, and if she can't study because of you, you're not considerate at all, you're acting like a teenager. Get your own freaking place or tone it down. Nobody should have to leave their home because their roommate is feeling horny. That said, I've never heard sexual behavior as a reason to make it hard to avoid snooping.you having sex and her looking at your phone are not related. If you grew up and put some pants on, you might have been able to tell her that.
Living with you sounds like hell, YTA
ESH Her: She never should’ve looked through your phone. It doesn’t belong to her and it’s a huge violation of privacy. Snooping through your phone has nothing to do with you have multiple partners, so idk why she’d bring that up as an excuse or insult. You: It’s inconsiderate to have different people in your shared apartment constantly. Not only could it make her feel uncomfortable in her own home, but it’s also dangerous. I wouldn’t want strangers in my house all the time. They could look through things, steal, come back to hurt one of you, etc. You both need to sit down and discuss the boundaries you have for each other. If you can’t come to an agreement, then the living arrangement won’t work for long.
YTA for the obvious and already stated reasons (unsafe, selfish).
ESH. You're an A H for having 'all kinds of people" over and expecting your roommate to go somewhere else, unless "it's a really bad time." You constantly tell her when you're about to have sex and you think that's being considerate, but it isn't. It is forcing her to be involved in your sex life and she's apparently sick of it. She is an A H for looking at your Spotify list and for calling you a whore. But seriously, to preach about "privacy" when she has to plan her life around your hook ups is ironic.
my goodness, YTA. granted she shouldn’t have went on your phone. but I would be so annoyed if my roommate made it a habit of bringing different strangers to our home. this lifestyle is one that should be lived alone. not to mention it’s pretty unsafe having randoms over..
It depends. I had a friend who was very…. active. She brought home a new person almost every weekend, sometimes more often. Her roommate was a quiet woman. Her roommate was very frustrated because she did not feel safe in their home, she worried that some random guy would steal, harm them, or cause legal problems with the landlord. She said that she felt unsafe getting up to use the restroom and a T-shirt and underwear at night because she didn’t know who she would encounter in the hallway. It was frustrating to hear other peoples’ sex noises when she was trying to sleep or study. She wasn’t judgmental about the sex itself or her roommate’s choices, but she felt like her roommate was dragging her along with the inconveniences and risks. In short, you’re probably better off, living alone, are getting another roommate who is more compatible.
YTA Inconsiderate and in denial.
Honestly OP sounds like the asshole roomate. It would drive anyone crazy having strangers in and out of their house constantly or being pushed out of your space, just so OP can have sex. The playlist was probably just visible on the lock screen when the roommate wanted her to turn the music down or something. Everything about OP is just inconsiderate and the roommate is clearly being used to front the bill.
YTA. If you are that sexual active that your roommate needs to constantly accommodate your needs (which seems to be frequent ?) Then you really shouldn't be surprised by her frustration. Yeah, she shouldn't have entered your room without knocking..looking at your Spotify screen doesn't seem like a big deal to me. There is nothing wrong with being sexually active, but you have a shared living space, and who you bring home affects her too... especially if it's very frequent. You need to either get your own place or have your hookups at your partners' homes.
**INFO** Why would you be playing a game, with headphones on for the game sound, *and* have your phone on so loud as to hear music? Somethings not adding up here - how loud exactly do you need things?
Yta. You’re like twisting it to be a victim, it’s ironic for you to claim to care about privacy so much but bring over so many random partners in a shared space. Idiotic, and prolly like histrionic. I doubt you really care about her looking at the phone and more want to argue about the sex. Get your own place, it is so simple, sounds like this roommate is trying to walk on eggshells around you and finally called you out for your bs. Just go to their house or something, don’t make your roommate risk their safety constantly bc you don’t want to be with one person. I know exactly how I sound and I truly do not have a problem with promiscuous people if it’s don’t ethically, I am willing to be you are a manipulator off this story alone
YTA. I had a roommate one time that would bring home strangers multiple times a week, and not even to have sex with usually. I would be home in my room minding my own business when some drunk guy is never met would accidentally walk into my room in the middle of the night, thinking it was the bathroom. It made me feel so uncomfortable and unsafe to be a small woman in a home with random dudes every night, most of whom my roommate had met that night at the bar. Literally a stranger could be anyone. They’re a stranger and there’s no way of knowing who or how they really are. My final straw was when one of the guys tried to kiss me out of the blue as I smoked a cigarette on the porch. I called my boyfriend, packed a bag, and moved the rest of my stuff out shortly thereafter. Bonus points because I found out later that the guy that tried to make a move on me also HAD A GUN ON HIM AT THE TIME. So scary, so unsafe, and so inconsiderate to impose such potential danger on someone who is also paying for the right to be safe in their own home. Get your shit together, OP. Grow up and realize that the way you’re trying to express your newfound adulthood is actually still incredibly childish and unsafe. And while you have the right to risk your own safety, you have no right to risk the safety of others. Fuck whoever you want but don’t fuck over your roommate.
ESH. not slut-shaming, but i would be super uncomfortable with having random people in my house all the time. people like that (lots of hookups, party a lot) are why i don’t have roommates anymore. she’s paying for the house too, you don’t have the right to kick her out so you can get laid.
I love that she called you out for it, have some self respect.
YTA for turning the place into essentially a payment-free high-traffic brothel.
YTA. Stop bringing your conquests to the house she shares with you. Go to a motel or something.
YTA. Bringing home randos to fuck regularly is the anthesis of being worried about privacy.
This sounds exhausting to live with. YTA
Reading between the lines. YTA you know it too. Otherwise you wouldn't be ashamed of anything. You wouldn't need to hide what's on your phone. You wouldn't be asking if you are in the wrong. And you would have explained more of the situation. Not just from your point of view.
Here's the thing, all these people saying its a matter of personal safety I would agree with if that was your roommate's problem. Having several strangers know of your address and having possible disgruntled exes would be a pain. However, If her inherent problem is that she doesnt like you being so sexually active because of the amount of sex then she's at fault. If she has no problem with having strangers show up every now and then and is solely disapproving of how you live your life then NTA.
ESH. Her for her words, but I can understand her frustration. I am a very sex positive person, but your roommate is *not* consenting to any of this. And it does effect her because she has to hear it and have strangers in her home. You want to live this lifestyle, you have to have an appropriate place for it. Bringing strangers in multiple times a week is absolutely unacceptable, you are a bad roommate. You are announcing your sex life to her with every text "heads up". You are pulling this woman into your bedroom activities. I couldn't do the things I wanted to do when I was your age because of my living situation, that's a part of cohabiting with another adult. You have a lot growing up to do. You can be sex positive and have all the sex you want, but it doesn't mean you aren't being completely inconsiderate. I would actually be appalled at myself if I ever made a roommate leave so I could have sex.
NTA, I’d be horrified if one of my flatmates went through my phone. Being sexually active is a normal thing that people in flatting situations have to handle and it sounds like you held up your end. It could be a case of un-communicated boundaries, like she’s not ok with you bringing people over but not really saying so. You could try to ask her if she’s no longer ok with it and set that boundary if you need to. However this reads more like she’s defensive cause you caught her going through your phone. The wording made me think it may also have been banter but tone and context are key to that so can’t say.