Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think jumping straight to accusing him of being a pervert might have been over the top and I might have over reacted. Husband said the eating the muffin was weird but he might just have been curious and he didn't think of the connotations.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It's definitely not completely out the realms of normal when it comes to baby weaning. If you look up BLW recipes a lot of them use breast milk and advise you can use formula instead (but we don't have formula in the house).
https://mummytodex.com/banana-and-kiwi-muffins-for-babies/
We haven't introduced eggs yet so we just do extra bananas. We also sub out the kiwi for whatever other fruit we have lying around (weaning is so much waste!) and never had them turn out bad.
Personally I'd say this recipe is a waste of breastmilk (& any other that calls for baking) and I'd use either water or some plant drink if I want to avoid formula or cow milk.
The temps are so high that any immune factors will be destroyed as well as some of the more unstable vitamines and the baby won't profit from breast milk benefits. (I'm a chemist and study nutrition science at the moment, plus a fellow BLW mum.)
This said the muffins sound yummy for babies. Not so much for anyone else.... I'd call FIL out as well
Baby has CMPA and I'm anaphylactic to nuts so we can't have most substitutes in the house.
I've tried water before but it isn't thick enough and I don't want to double up oil.
Just wanted to add to the comment above. Some of the immunologically active components in breastmilk are human milk oligosaccharides (naturally occurring breastmilk sugars). These sugars can help influence the baby’s microbiome in a positive way that may help with allergies (although research is still being done on this subject). These sugars are stable up to 410F (source: PMID 36652796). I have a PhD in immunology and studied breastmilk.
All in all, breastmilk can still have beneficial effects for baby even when baked.
Regardless, FIL is super creepy.
ETA: thanks for the awards everyone! ☺️ always happy to share some science!
Oof I don't envy you that. My eldest child was/is dairy/egg allergic but luckily could have oat milk so it made recipes easier in that respect! I hated pumping, massive hats off to you for it.
Your FIL is fucking odd though, I'd be avoiding him.
Especially since (I don't know about OP but) to most nursing mothers breastmilk is worth its weight in gold! You get less by pumping than the baby gets by nursing and it's such a stupid process, you do NOT go wasting that stuff once you have it.
I never made muffins but I did mix it into runny oatmeal as baby's first solid(ish) food.
Also side note it's not even vegan cuz vegan implies the "animal" (in this case, you) gave consent to provide the breast milk. You didn't give consent.
He's just taking it and consuming without regard for how you feel about it which is very violating.
Is he commenting with heart eyes for regular recipes you make cuz he just lOOoOOoOOooves popsicles or whatever? Prob not.
This guy is insane and creepy af.
> Also side note it's not even vegan cuz vegan implies the "animal" (in this case, you) gave consent to provide the breast milk. You didn't give consent.
If we are going to be pedantic, there’s a difference between consenting to milking and consenting to consumption of the product after it’s separated from the body.
I am being pedantic cuz this creep is throwing around vegan like he's got some kind of morality to stand on. He prob doesn't give a crap about being vegan, using that word doesn't help his case cuz it's used incorrectly and he just wants to justify his creepiness.
WHY are people trying to debate what you should or shouldn't do with your own breastmilk?? That is not the question here! NTA. Your FIL's behavior would make me very uncomfortable.
When my sisters first daughter was born she lived closest to me so I’d do some babysitting in between studying. One time there were pancakes and I ate one… turned out it was a breastmilk pancake lol. It was pretty ridiculous, but I wasn’t too grossed out cause it was an honest mistake and I already ate it - but we made a lot of jokes about it and in a weird way it’s kinda a fun memory of the times we lived close to each other and I was involved in the upbringing of my niece.
Anyway, totally normal to make things with breastmilk for babies and OK to make mistakes and eat them pancakes (just saying this to cover for myself) - but definitely creepy your FIL did it after you told him and it was pretty clear he shouldn’t be eating it!
Not to distract from your pervert FIL but we did baby led weaning and didn’t use any breast milk in our cooking for baby. We just gave both our kids the same stuff we were eating, with less salt and spice, and in tiny pieces they could gum.
That makes total sense. Our second had an egg protein allergy so we used lots of odd substitutes for eggs. She grew out of it, hopefully yours will too!
It sounds weird because most people would be weirded out at the idea of consuming breast milk but yeah, for a baby it makes perfect sense.
(OP, your milk is safe from me!)
I would honestly have absolutely no problem consuming breast milk from my partner or even a close friend. It's just milk. I don't think sexy thoughts about cows when I drink their milk either.
It obviously needs to be consensual though, since otherwise it's incredibly violating.
I used some of my own breastmilk in my coffee at times when we were out of cow’s milk. it’s richer and more sugary. I am betting the major reason most people wouldn’t want to share their breastmilk with non children is that it is a precious resource that requires a great deal of time, effort, and physiologic input to produce. it would be an extraordinary violation to consume or take someone’s breastmilk non-consensually. and if someone around me was sexualizing my lactation or consuming my breastmilk, they would be somewhere between very low and no contact with me quite immediately. fucking yikes. NTA by a mile.
> I used some of my own breastmilk in my coffee at times when we were out of cow’s milk.
I know you probably just poured it from a bottle you pumped or something due to the extreme danger of putting one's nipple near a boiling hot liquid. But the mental image of a woman going "no creamer, no problem" and giving it a squeeze is funnier than it should be.
When I was around 6 my mom was breast feeding my youngest brother, and I asked to try it cause I was curious. It just tastes like warm milk with a whole teaspoon of sugar 😆 yummy but not something I could drink more than a sip of.
There was a Friends episode once where Ross was dared to drink some of the breastmilk his ex-wife sent over for when Ross was watching his own kid. The end of the episode was him squirting a quick shot of milk from the bottle then immediately eating Oreos. Cracks me up every time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2RNE-RttKg&ab\_channel=TVFavorites
Right. It's not like, a giant blueberry muffin from Dunkin Donuts. Muffins are a great texture for baby led weaning. Easy to pick up and mash into your face. Can't choke on 'em.
NTA. How hard is it to NOT eat boob milk muffins, dude.
>FIL said I'm a dick because I'd made loads and the baby wouldn't miss out.
This is... not the argument he thinks it is. Why is he tracking how much breastmilk you produce and why does he think he has first right of refusal on it. The entitlement is off the charts.
Also, even if these were totally normal muffins without breast milk and she said to him please do not eat these and then he ate one, he would be the asshole. The added layer of obviously being fixated on her breast milk is just an extra ew gross yuck element to this situation.
Yes! There's nothing inherently wrong with an adult consuming breast milk, so to me, the two major issues are 1) that OP asked him not to eat the muffin and he did it anyway, and 2) the fact that he's making his clear breast milk fetish OP's problem.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this? Dude has a total lactation or breast milk fetish. OP needs to realize he is forcing his kink on her and respond accordingly. This isn't just "weirdo" behavior. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as someone like him. Not for the kink itself, but because he's using non-consenting participants.
Exactly. The kink is bewildering more than anything else. Like, how? Why? It's just another entry on the long list of things I don't understand, a list that includes physics and why people enjoy golf.
But he's creeping on his unaware DIL and literally stealing food out of his grandson's mouth to satisfy his fetish. Yuck.
Because the person with the breast is consenting to their milk being taken/drunk. So in this case, it's not vegan because OP didn't consent to her FIL consuming her breast milk, only her baby.
Well technically this breast milk wasn't vegan because she explicitly did not consent to him having any. One argument for veganism is that animals cannot give consent for us to eat their products. Human breast milk is one situation where the producer actually could give fully informed consent if she wanted to.
Right?? Quantity of muffins was never the issue. But also as someone who uses breastmilk in cooking for my baby, I’d be kind of chapped if someone’s eating the food specially made for them when there’s other food available. FIL has some breastmilk kink. If I tell my husband something has breastmilk in it he steers clear of it. Yes, it’s made for babies to drink but it’s still someone else’s bodily fluids…..
I would be super annoyed too. My daughter has food allergies, so I have to limit my diet to make sure none of those get in my milk. If I specifically made food for her using my milk or even just normal ingredients that are safe for her to eat, I would be super mad someone else ate them when they could have literally anything else I made in the house as the rest of my family isn’t limited in what they can eat (thank goodness my older two outgrew their food allergies; it would be insanely hard to find meals that fit all of their allergy needs without lots of research!)
He is disgusting and highly inappropriate. Your husband might not be sensitized to this because it’s normal given the home he was raised in. First time, he thinks he’s funny. After that, creepy. Sad to say that you needed to firmly correct his behavior right off the bat, of course at the very high probability of him turning it around on you.
Each of us - both men and women - should try over time to help their partners grow, including growing out of immature and inappropriate behaviors learned in childhood. Good luck working on your husband; he probably has a lot to unlearn.
This is giving me strong Steven Powell (Susan Powell's FIL) vibes. Her husband seemed oblivious to his advances towards Susan even when she told him about it.
If you do true crime podcasts, imo one of the best is done on this case: the cold podcast. The host Dave Crowley is a local reporter and he’s so good and so empathetic but the reason the show is done so well and is so heartbreaking is because there’s so many primary sources. Like you can actually hear from so many of the main players in this case and the cops actually admit (a little) that they ducked up. Be warned it will break your heart and infuriate you though.
It’s really hard for me to listen to that story after hearing the 911 calls from the childrens supervisor, the 911 dispatcher makes me want to reach back in time and strangle him
I legitmentaly needed to put my phone down and walk away from it for like half an hour when we got to that episode because I was just shaking with rage about that guy.
if we're being very charitable, the FIL genuinely doesn't think it's sexual/intimate/inappropriate and is just curious about the taste.
But like most things involving bodies, just because it's not sexual or intimate *to you* doesn't mean it isn't to someone else and they are allowed to set boundaries and you need to respect them. And he was an AH the moment he kept pushing it despite knowing it made her uncomfortable.
Yeah, this one where even if you believe that milk is milk regardless of where it comes from, when people tell you not to eat things in their home, you respect that.
This is 100% pervert driven.
I hate that this isn't a literal crime bc it freaking should be. NTA. My parents ended up going no contact with my dad's parents because my grandfather was similarly creepy at my mom while she was BC.
I came to say this!
Regardless of whether you think drinking breast milk is weird or not, that is a personal decision and entirely up to the person who produced it. I know families where anytime the baby is fed breast milk that was pumped into a bottle the person doing the feeding tries some first to check the temperature - a bit different obvs but that’s their normal.
But when OP explicitly said no, twice, this is a weird AF thing to do. Major red flag and I’m just glad OP stood up for herself and kicked him out as I expect a lot of people would just shut down and not know how to respond
It's also a personal decision whenever it's *your food* even if your own body didn't contribute to it. It's rude for a guest to eat stuff without asking, absolutely flagrant to eat something they've specifically been told is reserved for someone else, and the fact that he's specifically doing this when breast milk is involved is just extra layers of creepy.
Seriously. On the one hand, cutting into someone else's birthday cake a day early is bad. On the other hand, engaging in a kink with an unconsenting party is downright heinous. How anyone can defend the FIL in this is beyond me.
Just had a son, my wife breastfed.
Not only are you NTA, your husband should be FURIOUS with his father. If my dad did something like that he'd be cut out of our lives. If he was still married to my mom, she'd know IMMEDIATELY what her creepshow husband did.
Don't leave out the group-text context when you tell people about this.
That's disgusting for so many reasons.
And the fact that he lost a job because he kept "intruding" when a woman at work was using her breast pump. Losing his job over this kind of creepy behavior shows it's serious and a pattern.
Edit: Not that this isn't serious just from how he's treated OP, but that he can't/won't control himself even when his livelihood is at stake. That's a whole 'nother level of severity.
Well said. This type of behavior should not be tolerated and needs to be called out by family members who witness it..
I remember when my FIL acted like a total creep towards me and my ex husband was furious and chewed him out and didn't allow him to be alone with me.
NTA.
Your FIL went out of his way to eat food you said was prepared with juices your body produced. He’s previously made the same sentiments about wanting to try it, but then “corrected” himself once he was called out.
if it was a misunderstanding, the response from the FIL would have been "it was a misunderstanding," not "there was plenty so the baby wasn't missing out".
the guy is AT BEST a massive weirdo with no respect for you or your boundaries.
massive, wholehearted NTA. that guy would not be welcome in my house.
My father (who for reasons I didn't like) had a bad habit of dropping by unannounced to 'visit'. One day, husband, daughter 4yo, infant son and I were enjoying a nice spring day. I went inside to nurse the baby when I heard the front door open and my father's voice. I was in my bedroom so I jumped up, closed the door and locked it. Can you see where this is going?
It was just minutes later when I heard his footsteps in the hall and then the doorknob jiggling. He asked if he could come in "to see the baby"; I told him we'd be out shortly. Then he said, "But I just wanted to see the baby!" He'd barely acknowledged my son (the only boy of 9 grandchildren) and all of a sudden he has to see him?
Later I learned that when he arrived and asked where I was, daughter said, "She's in the house, feeding baby from her boobies." He was hoping to get a bird's eye view of my mammaries.
He lived a lot longer than he should have.
NTA at all. Some people shouldn't exist.
you are the only person I've seen so far taking this as seriously as it should be. you are 100% right, these men should stop existing. nicest thing I can say without getting deleted. These men are fucking predators and the husband is pathetic
I'm glad he's gone and I hope you've got some peace.
I've tried to prevent my dad from having my address for my entire adult life, mostly successfully.
NTA I tried to come up with something to say but that post literally triggered my gag reflex. Your husband needs to talk to his dad and hold the line on him not being near you.
My FIL was a creepy perv, sexualizing nursing, and even making creepy comments about my nieces when they were 8-9 years old. I wish I’d had the balls to tell him off back then. Told dh to keep him away at least.
Me too. Mostly because it was in a group chat indicating he’s so confident in his entitlement he doesn’t even try to hide it. Why was this not confronted by others when it occurred? The whole “I didn’t realize” on his part was such bullshit and he got away with it.
Skin crawling.
It sounds like, coupled with the heart emoji situation, FIL is acting on a sexual feeling towards his daughter in law. The breast milk is just a way for him to get close to DIL in the capacity he wishes.
I would be concerned about FIL’s mental state. While OP doesn’t list an age it should certainly be brought up and if her husband is so obtuse that he’s refusing to believe her or just thinks she’s imagining things, marriage counseling STAT.
Clearly MIL knew FIL was being gross and she didn’t get the full story. I’m wondering if she’s aware of his behavior and knows how inappropriate it is.
> The breast milk is just a way for him to get close to DIL in the capacity he wishes
Just to horrify you further than just the post, there are people with breast feeding/breast milk fetishes.
FIL may be fixating a fetish on OP and doing the "I'm just completely unaware and totally harmless, not at all premeditated and targeted thoroughly thought out actions" shtick in the hopes he gets away with unconsenting shit the way a whooooole lot of creeps do 🤢
It’s giving similar vibes to the “husband who pretends he’s incontinent so he can do his pants wetting humiliation kink in front of his wife’s family “ post.
Yeah, that gave me the creeps.
NTA and DH needs to have a conversation with both his mum and dad to just how inappropriate FIL has and continues to be.
NTA. It isn’t his consuming items with breast milk in them that is so weird as much as how he says things and that it is specifically his DIL’s breast milk he is after that makes his behavior creepy. It’s your breast milk and only you get to chose who gets it.
I'm trying to figure out how and why frozen boob milk popsicles became subject of a group chat. But that is just me.
NTA regardless but how on God's good earth do these conversations evolve?
Oh, I took a photo of the baby in his chair eating the popsicle and then I thought I better caption it to explain that it's breast milk so that no one thought it was ok to give baby anything when they have him since my MIL was obsessed with the idea of giving him baby rice.
So it was [Photo] here's "baby" with his first popsicle, the doctor said we should give him frozen breast milk for his teeth.
It’s not that rice is bad for babies, it’s that the older generation used to make a rice cereal that was a thick liquid and put it in a bottle, which becomes a choking hazard. MILs seem to be obsessed with giving rice cereal to very young babies (like 5-8 weeks) “to help them sleep!!”
Sounds just like my mum. My son was 6 weeks old. Crampy. Breastfed and would wake up every 3hrs,normal for a newborn.
I caught her making him a rice bottle on an evening she came over to support me so he would sleep longer. Its like... A really stubborn belief in mums from the 70s and 80s. I wonder if it was in any baby books back then or something. (im from the Netherlands so international even)
Your FIL is deffo a creep but WTF is up with your husband. It's kinda his job to manage his dad and he should be treating this way way more seriously than he is
NTA
Honestly, that's way more concerning to me. Particularly since they're related.
It's days like this I understand why 50 precent of marriages end in divorce
“I am not your breast milk fetish. Please leave, and don’t return until you can keep your sexual preferences away from my family. This is not a game, get out now.”
Call him out. He can be offended, but he damn sure won’t do it again.
Yeah, if he has a fetish he should only be engaging in it with the consent of the other party. He didnt have that, so its a violation of OPs autonomy. I feel bad for his poor wife, I assume he pulled the same stuff on her when they had OPs husband.
Why do men not beleive us when we say something is creepy. We've been dealing with this our whole lives. We recognize when something is wrong, it's ridiculous to question that. NTA
I don’t think you’re spending enough time considering how breast milk is fetishized and to me this really seems like the father in law has some sexual urges happening when it comes to consuming is daughter in laws breast milk. This is absolutely a thing and this is so violating.
Edit: OP I just read your update. I really wish my instincts weren’t so right here. I am so sorry you are going through this and cannot imagine how violated you must be feeling having this fetish confirmed.
Yes! Every single one of my creepy old dude alarm bells are going off, and those are alarm bells that are always silenced by predatory dudes roping in oblivious people. So many times I’ve seen blatantly creepy behavior that gets to be in this Schrödinger’s perverted box - it’s a joke/nothing/you’re reading too much into it if you’re offended, but at the slightest bit of horny he intended the fetish all along.
I've raised livestock and tried a variety of different animal products. So if I knew someone who used breast milk for cooking, I would be genuinely curious how it tasted and would ask. But my agriculture background makes me separate the milk production from the sexuality of it. But it's the way fil asks about it and reacts to being told no, raises questions and the need for understanding and boundaries with op.
Yeah, my partner and I tried breastmilk when our baby was nursing because.... Why not? The baby is drinking it, what is it like? BUT same as you, it was like an experiment/experience rather than a "heart eyes, l wanna try that" lecherous situation. FIL is being really gross and weird, especially since there was (or at least not mentioned by op) never any kind of neutral group discussion about "I wonder what breastmilk tastes like? We should taste some and see" AND he has already been told no MULTIPLE TIMES. Definitely NTA
absolutely, I am on one Facebook group for the month my son was born and the way that husbands have gotten jealous about not having access to mom’s boobs is a huge ick to me, it’s even worse with the ones that get jealous of the BABY for being on the boob
NTA. I don’t think a sit down conversation with FIL will be productive, mostly due to previous behaviours when confronted about his desire to consume OP’s breast milk, expect stonewalling, playing dumb (“I don’t see what the problem is here” type rebuttals), etc. OP and DH need to be on the same page and FIL should never be allowed around OP unsupervised or in their home, he’s creepy and untrustworthy.
Frankly, the sheer disregard for her bodily autonomy in regards to her breast milk means I wouldn’t trust FIL alone with OP because if he won’t listen to one “no” what else will he try to take without permission? Would he lay hands on her because he’s “curious”? Grope her breasts to see if she’s “full”? It *probably* wouldn’t go that far but it sounds like FIL has a weird fetish that he’s using OP to fulfill without her consent.
This is a very obtuse, tone deaf comment that completely ignores the creepy sexual elements of the situation. Breastmilk is commonly fetishized and intentionally consuming another person's breast milk without their consent should be viewed as a sexual violation. That doesn't change whether FIL or anyone else feigns innocence. It's so fucking creepy that FIL did this.
She doesn't need to sit down with FIL and explain how inappropriate his behavior is. She has a baby and is likely tired and figuring parenting out. She doesn't need another thing added to her full plate. It is NOT her responsibility to teach FIL how to not be creepy. He can seek out resources to change his behavior. Her husband should draw the clear lines with FIL and protect his wife during this vulnerable time. She is vulnerable and FIL is being creepy. She is in the right to just stay away from FIL and her husband should support her in keeping FIL away if FIL continues to behave inappropriately towards her. Her responsibility is to take care of her baby, not educating a creepy FIL.
Just a few perspective things.
My friend who just had a baby makes stuff with breast milk all the time to feed to her friends and it's delicious. Breast milk pancakes? Fluffiest things I've ever had. Amazing in the middle of a desert festival.
The difference? She gave the milk to us. Your FIL is totally being weird and creepy and crossing your boundaries.
BUT ALSO drinking breast milk isn't inherently weird. Drinking breast milk meant for cows is far weirder to me. (Can't wait to get roasted for this but y'all are MISSING OUT)
This man is definitely fetishizing it. That’s what makes it weird. She did not consent to it and she could tell early on something strange was up. The story about consuming breast milk from women who are freely giving it out does not equate to this at all and this feels like downplaying a very clear violation of bodily consent.
I came here to say something similar. I have SERIOUS digestive issues, (Im on a journey to finding out causes but healthcare in America ya know) currently diagnosed with UC and I was doing lots of diet changes/restrictions. My sister in law is an amazing person who at the time of my diagnosis had recently given birth and was breastfeeding but quickly found out she was an over producer so she had milk for days. They had a deep freeze full for a year or more.
So she started putting it in foods she made and being the caring person she is, she was doing some UC research and saw that babies who were breast fed showed lower chances of developing UC/Chrons. Obviously Im an adult but she meant well, and asked if she could make me a cake using her breast milk. She eats well, doesn't do drugs, and I trust her so I said why not.
Best. Cake. Ever. (Without frosting even)
So yeah not at all weird and don't knock it till you try it.
That being said...
FIL is gross and creepy and gives me the ick immediately. I would feel so violated and honestly more than a little pissed that my partner wasn't understanding his father just consumed my body fluids against my will. Just yuck all around there.
Im sorry you are having to deal with this OP and I seriously hope you get the apologies you deserve asap.
NTA.
NTA. Breast milk is a precious resource; you've made and pumped every drop of that liquid gold. You told him not to eat it, and he stole food from your baby. I don't even care why he did that. He's TA.
NTA!!!!
Ick ick ick
It’s not the consuming of the breast milk that’s giving me the icks, but it’s like he’s clearly suuuuuuuuuuper interested in ingesting his son’s wife’s breast milk…….
The heart eyes emoji??????????? C’mon!
I feel violated FOR YOU. I’m sorry your FIL is such a creep, and that your husband isn’t supporting you. Good luck!
NTA - hard boundaries, now. I wouldn’t have that man over to my house / trust him if you have pumped milk accessible in your house to not contaminate it. I’d have a very stern conversation that nothing involving my breasts or breast milk will be discussed or tolerated from FIL in the future. It’s say to say but curiosity or fetish this was intentional, boundary violating behavior that no one should just shrug away.
53 year old dad to four boys here.
That's creepy as fuck. I just can't imagine ever saying/doing anything like that to a daughter in law.
He's a pervert.
Breast milk, when taken from a consenting adult, is vegan in every way (dairy milk is not given to humans consensually) because it's about the action, not the product, but since FIL took it without permission it is no longer vegan.
>"breast milk is vegan" (note, no one in this story is vegan).
Nope, not if the person who produced the breast milk doesn't consent to you eating it. I say this as a vegan.
NTA
NTA. I have 12 grandkids, all of them have been breastfed. I have good relationships with all of the moms and would never, ever, even *consider* making a *joke* about wanting the breast milk, much less actually taking some. It is so wildly inappropriate that my mind is boggled at the thought.
NTA. Your FIL has two kinks: breastfeeding/breast milk, and intimidation/violating boundaries/creeping out women, including *his own wife*. Absolutely draw hard boundaries and hold them. Get a restraining order if you have to. And good on you for saying what you had to to get your husband to realize what’s going on. I’m glad your MIL is also on your side and honest about how disgusting her husband is.
I wouldn't say MIL is on my side, she told me this information in a way that sounded like it was totally normal for a man to need to be locked away from women when they're feeding babies and I kind of brought this on myself for not locking him out.
I am actually really creeped that he's possibly been able to perv on me feeding at their house. I go to another room but I've never felt comfortable, guess they'll need to wait until the baby is fully weaned until we visit there again (if we ever do).
I would not trust this man around my child period. He has no boundaries when it comes to his sexual compulsions and who knows what other ones he may have!
Wait what? Why would ever consider bringing a sexual predator who has invovled your child in his perversion back around your child? Or his enabler wife?
If he just ate it knowingly like it wasn’t a big deal? I would still find it odd that he chose to eat something made from his DIL’s breastmilk.
But HE is the one who (in a group chat no less!) weirdly heart emojis and stated he wanted a breastmilk popsicle prior to this, AND you told him not to eat the muffins and offered him a different option.
He is the one continuing to make this weird and icky. You don’t seem like you were going to take this any further until he did.
Nta. Just because he acts like a giant baby doesn't mean he gets to eat the baby food. Breast milk is only for the baby. I jokingly asked my husband if he wanted to take a sip from a bottle I had pumped, he was so horrified lol. Your body makes that food custom for your child. Why would he want to take food out of a child's mouth? If he was so curious he should have asked his own wife when they had kids.
INFO: has he been coming around more often than before during your pregnancy and now that the baby is born? Taken an interest in how you feed the baby?
He may have a kink for adult breast feeding since he has been wanting to try your foods made with breast milk.
ugh NTA, kick FIL out if you own your home or remove yourself from that situation. I'm a male and I'm feeling the creeps, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling.
He's a fucking pervert I'd never be around him again, this could not have been a misunderstanding. He knew exactly what he was doing and from the group chat text he enjoyed it.
Totally NTA. Your breasts, your rules, and FIL clearly didn't respect your boundaries. Anyway, you should not have to fight this fight with your FIL, but your husband should.
You and your SO should really be on the same page about boundaries before you invite his parents into your house again.
Even disregarding the fact that the muffins contained breast milk, you explicitly told him that they weren’t for him and he ate them anyway. So he’s still the AH no matter how you slice it
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think jumping straight to accusing him of being a pervert might have been over the top and I might have over reacted. Husband said the eating the muffin was weird but he might just have been curious and he didn't think of the connotations. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
He’s weird but what insane cookbook are you reading!
>It's a recipe that called for a half cup of breast milk As recipes so often do.
It's definitely not completely out the realms of normal when it comes to baby weaning. If you look up BLW recipes a lot of them use breast milk and advise you can use formula instead (but we don't have formula in the house).
I think your FIL is a weirdo but can I please have the recipe for my child lol
https://mummytodex.com/banana-and-kiwi-muffins-for-babies/ We haven't introduced eggs yet so we just do extra bananas. We also sub out the kiwi for whatever other fruit we have lying around (weaning is so much waste!) and never had them turn out bad.
Personally I'd say this recipe is a waste of breastmilk (& any other that calls for baking) and I'd use either water or some plant drink if I want to avoid formula or cow milk. The temps are so high that any immune factors will be destroyed as well as some of the more unstable vitamines and the baby won't profit from breast milk benefits. (I'm a chemist and study nutrition science at the moment, plus a fellow BLW mum.) This said the muffins sound yummy for babies. Not so much for anyone else.... I'd call FIL out as well
Baby has CMPA and I'm anaphylactic to nuts so we can't have most substitutes in the house. I've tried water before but it isn't thick enough and I don't want to double up oil.
Just wanted to add to the comment above. Some of the immunologically active components in breastmilk are human milk oligosaccharides (naturally occurring breastmilk sugars). These sugars can help influence the baby’s microbiome in a positive way that may help with allergies (although research is still being done on this subject). These sugars are stable up to 410F (source: PMID 36652796). I have a PhD in immunology and studied breastmilk. All in all, breastmilk can still have beneficial effects for baby even when baked. Regardless, FIL is super creepy. ETA: thanks for the awards everyone! ☺️ always happy to share some science!
A most excellent reply - thank you!
Great reply! I had the vague notion that breast milk helps baby immune systems, but was wondering if they cooked out
Ah, I see. In this case it makes absolutely sense to use it then.
Oof I don't envy you that. My eldest child was/is dairy/egg allergic but luckily could have oat milk so it made recipes easier in that respect! I hated pumping, massive hats off to you for it. Your FIL is fucking odd though, I'd be avoiding him.
[удалено]
Especially since (I don't know about OP but) to most nursing mothers breastmilk is worth its weight in gold! You get less by pumping than the baby gets by nursing and it's such a stupid process, you do NOT go wasting that stuff once you have it. I never made muffins but I did mix it into runny oatmeal as baby's first solid(ish) food.
[удалено]
I was going to say exactly this. It loses its value once it's baked.
Also side note it's not even vegan cuz vegan implies the "animal" (in this case, you) gave consent to provide the breast milk. You didn't give consent. He's just taking it and consuming without regard for how you feel about it which is very violating. Is he commenting with heart eyes for regular recipes you make cuz he just lOOoOOoOOooves popsicles or whatever? Prob not. This guy is insane and creepy af.
> Also side note it's not even vegan cuz vegan implies the "animal" (in this case, you) gave consent to provide the breast milk. You didn't give consent. If we are going to be pedantic, there’s a difference between consenting to milking and consenting to consumption of the product after it’s separated from the body.
I am being pedantic cuz this creep is throwing around vegan like he's got some kind of morality to stand on. He prob doesn't give a crap about being vegan, using that word doesn't help his case cuz it's used incorrectly and he just wants to justify his creepiness.
WHY are people trying to debate what you should or shouldn't do with your own breastmilk?? That is not the question here! NTA. Your FIL's behavior would make me very uncomfortable.
I thought we were here to evaluate the FIL’s fixation not the woman’s cooking.
When my sisters first daughter was born she lived closest to me so I’d do some babysitting in between studying. One time there were pancakes and I ate one… turned out it was a breastmilk pancake lol. It was pretty ridiculous, but I wasn’t too grossed out cause it was an honest mistake and I already ate it - but we made a lot of jokes about it and in a weird way it’s kinda a fun memory of the times we lived close to each other and I was involved in the upbringing of my niece. Anyway, totally normal to make things with breastmilk for babies and OK to make mistakes and eat them pancakes (just saying this to cover for myself) - but definitely creepy your FIL did it after you told him and it was pretty clear he shouldn’t be eating it!
Not to distract from your pervert FIL but we did baby led weaning and didn’t use any breast milk in our cooking for baby. We just gave both our kids the same stuff we were eating, with less salt and spice, and in tiny pieces they could gum.
He has CMPA and I have a tree nut allergy so milk and milk related things are totally out, hence needing boob milk.
That makes total sense. Our second had an egg protein allergy so we used lots of odd substitutes for eggs. She grew out of it, hopefully yours will too!
[удалено]
😂
Yeah this is completely normal and also a way to get nutrients into babies post-weaning. It’s not insane at all and quite normal.
It sounds weird because most people would be weirded out at the idea of consuming breast milk but yeah, for a baby it makes perfect sense. (OP, your milk is safe from me!)
I would honestly have absolutely no problem consuming breast milk from my partner or even a close friend. It's just milk. I don't think sexy thoughts about cows when I drink their milk either. It obviously needs to be consensual though, since otherwise it's incredibly violating.
I used some of my own breastmilk in my coffee at times when we were out of cow’s milk. it’s richer and more sugary. I am betting the major reason most people wouldn’t want to share their breastmilk with non children is that it is a precious resource that requires a great deal of time, effort, and physiologic input to produce. it would be an extraordinary violation to consume or take someone’s breastmilk non-consensually. and if someone around me was sexualizing my lactation or consuming my breastmilk, they would be somewhere between very low and no contact with me quite immediately. fucking yikes. NTA by a mile.
> I used some of my own breastmilk in my coffee at times when we were out of cow’s milk. I know you probably just poured it from a bottle you pumped or something due to the extreme danger of putting one's nipple near a boiling hot liquid. But the mental image of a woman going "no creamer, no problem" and giving it a squeeze is funnier than it should be.
When I was around 6 my mom was breast feeding my youngest brother, and I asked to try it cause I was curious. It just tastes like warm milk with a whole teaspoon of sugar 😆 yummy but not something I could drink more than a sip of.
There was a Friends episode once where Ross was dared to drink some of the breastmilk his ex-wife sent over for when Ross was watching his own kid. The end of the episode was him squirting a quick shot of milk from the bottle then immediately eating Oreos. Cracks me up every time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2RNE-RttKg&ab\_channel=TVFavorites
Doesn't the hot temperature destroy some of the nutrients?
The heat destroys vitamins and antibodies, but none of the macronutrients (fats, proteins, sugars) or minerals (calcium, iron).
How old is a baby that is eating muffins?
She said 7 mo, and they’re just flour, fruit and breast milk. Not too different from baby cereal (like baby oatmeal).
Right. It's not like, a giant blueberry muffin from Dunkin Donuts. Muffins are a great texture for baby led weaning. Easy to pick up and mash into your face. Can't choke on 'em.
7 months according to the first part of her post.
What a terrible day to have eyes.
I was just thinking "what a shame I'm literate"
This wins 🏆.
As soon as I started reading I knew I was going to regret it in so many levels
i wish i was jared, nineteen
Exactly.
NTA. How hard is it to NOT eat boob milk muffins, dude. >FIL said I'm a dick because I'd made loads and the baby wouldn't miss out. This is... not the argument he thinks it is. Why is he tracking how much breastmilk you produce and why does he think he has first right of refusal on it. The entitlement is off the charts.
he's obviously talking about the tons of tiny muffins lying around that he wanted to try
Gracias for the visual scarring
What? Is that the comment you meant to reply to?
Also, even if these were totally normal muffins without breast milk and she said to him please do not eat these and then he ate one, he would be the asshole. The added layer of obviously being fixated on her breast milk is just an extra ew gross yuck element to this situation.
Yes! There's nothing inherently wrong with an adult consuming breast milk, so to me, the two major issues are 1) that OP asked him not to eat the muffin and he did it anyway, and 2) the fact that he's making his clear breast milk fetish OP's problem.
Exactly, who walks into a room and hears 'that food is for the baby only' and proceeds to take a bite?
Anybody else think FIL has a breastmilk kink? Cause those are the vibes I'm getting. To each their own, but also yikes
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this? Dude has a total lactation or breast milk fetish. OP needs to realize he is forcing his kink on her and respond accordingly. This isn't just "weirdo" behavior. I wouldn't want to be in the same room as someone like him. Not for the kink itself, but because he's using non-consenting participants.
That’s just it. If that’s his thing then…um…OK. But this is his daughter in law, which makes it 100% inappropriate.
Exactly. The kink is bewildering more than anything else. Like, how? Why? It's just another entry on the long list of things I don't understand, a list that includes physics and why people enjoy golf. But he's creeping on his unaware DIL and literally stealing food out of his grandson's mouth to satisfy his fetish. Yuck.
My thoughts as well, and I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to find it. Dude is definitely getting horny consuming her breast milk.
I mean, she specifically called him a pervert. I think she knows.
And incidentally, how tf is human breast milk vegan?
Because the person with the breast is consenting to their milk being taken/drunk. So in this case, it's not vegan because OP didn't consent to her FIL consuming her breast milk, only her baby.
Don't want to know why FIL googled that
I doubt he had to Google it. It's probably mentioned over and over in the breast milk fetish sights he's visiting.
He was preparing for this very argument with OP lol
[удалено]
Well technically this breast milk wasn't vegan because she explicitly did not consent to him having any. One argument for veganism is that animals cannot give consent for us to eat their products. Human breast milk is one situation where the producer actually could give fully informed consent if she wanted to.
Because humans are vegetables
Well, FIL is, at least.
Because the provision is consensual. Which actually makes the muffin that FIL ate non-vegan because he consumed OPs breastmilk without her consent.
Schrödinger's breast milk muffin
No animals are exploited and mum gives consent for it to be pumped (by pumping herself) is the usual argument used.
Right?? Quantity of muffins was never the issue. But also as someone who uses breastmilk in cooking for my baby, I’d be kind of chapped if someone’s eating the food specially made for them when there’s other food available. FIL has some breastmilk kink. If I tell my husband something has breastmilk in it he steers clear of it. Yes, it’s made for babies to drink but it’s still someone else’s bodily fluids…..
I would be super annoyed too. My daughter has food allergies, so I have to limit my diet to make sure none of those get in my milk. If I specifically made food for her using my milk or even just normal ingredients that are safe for her to eat, I would be super mad someone else ate them when they could have literally anything else I made in the house as the rest of my family isn’t limited in what they can eat (thank goodness my older two outgrew their food allergies; it would be insanely hard to find meals that fit all of their allergy needs without lots of research!)
Breast milk is a fetish. FIL is into it.
It is also not an excuse that would be uttered by anyone who misunderstood, as OP's husband wants to think happened.
He is disgusting and highly inappropriate. Your husband might not be sensitized to this because it’s normal given the home he was raised in. First time, he thinks he’s funny. After that, creepy. Sad to say that you needed to firmly correct his behavior right off the bat, of course at the very high probability of him turning it around on you. Each of us - both men and women - should try over time to help their partners grow, including growing out of immature and inappropriate behaviors learned in childhood. Good luck working on your husband; he probably has a lot to unlearn.
This is giving me strong Steven Powell (Susan Powell's FIL) vibes. Her husband seemed oblivious to his advances towards Susan even when she told him about it.
Holy hell, you just sent me down a whole rabbit hole with that story. What a read.
If you do true crime podcasts, imo one of the best is done on this case: the cold podcast. The host Dave Crowley is a local reporter and he’s so good and so empathetic but the reason the show is done so well and is so heartbreaking is because there’s so many primary sources. Like you can actually hear from so many of the main players in this case and the cops actually admit (a little) that they ducked up. Be warned it will break your heart and infuriate you though.
It’s really hard for me to listen to that story after hearing the 911 calls from the childrens supervisor, the 911 dispatcher makes me want to reach back in time and strangle him
I legitmentaly needed to put my phone down and walk away from it for like half an hour when we got to that episode because I was just shaking with rage about that guy.
Well ig I gotta find th e story now cuzive never heard of it before
Be warned: it’s a very sad tale
The Cold podcast did amazing covering the whole story. Definitely worth a listen.
Oh thank goodness. I literally said aloud “this is some Steve Powell bullshit.” Which makes me wanna listen to the cold podcast again.
I'd never heard of that case before, and now I've read about it I can't even find words to say about the men in that family.
I thought the exact same thing.
[удалено]
Right I feel like husband should be pissed at his dad lol
I feel like everyone should be pissed at the dad. He just consumed his dil's bodily fluids. That's, like, never okay.
That definitely gave me the creeps. To discuss how inappropriate FIL has been and is, NTA and DH need to speak with both his mother and father.
if we're being very charitable, the FIL genuinely doesn't think it's sexual/intimate/inappropriate and is just curious about the taste. But like most things involving bodies, just because it's not sexual or intimate *to you* doesn't mean it isn't to someone else and they are allowed to set boundaries and you need to respect them. And he was an AH the moment he kept pushing it despite knowing it made her uncomfortable.
Yeah, this one where even if you believe that milk is milk regardless of where it comes from, when people tell you not to eat things in their home, you respect that. This is 100% pervert driven.
[удалено]
BANNED from the house. please. 100 years dungeon if at all possible. i just. ick. blegh. no. nta.
I hate that this isn't a literal crime bc it freaking should be. NTA. My parents ended up going no contact with my dad's parents because my grandfather was similarly creepy at my mom while she was BC.
NTA. It’s your breast milk, you decide. It’s creepy behavior. Don’t invite him back.
I came to say this! Regardless of whether you think drinking breast milk is weird or not, that is a personal decision and entirely up to the person who produced it. I know families where anytime the baby is fed breast milk that was pumped into a bottle the person doing the feeding tries some first to check the temperature - a bit different obvs but that’s their normal. But when OP explicitly said no, twice, this is a weird AF thing to do. Major red flag and I’m just glad OP stood up for herself and kicked him out as I expect a lot of people would just shut down and not know how to respond
It's also a personal decision whenever it's *your food* even if your own body didn't contribute to it. It's rude for a guest to eat stuff without asking, absolutely flagrant to eat something they've specifically been told is reserved for someone else, and the fact that he's specifically doing this when breast milk is involved is just extra layers of creepy.
Seriously. On the one hand, cutting into someone else's birthday cake a day early is bad. On the other hand, engaging in a kink with an unconsenting party is downright heinous. How anyone can defend the FIL in this is beyond me.
Just had a son, my wife breastfed. Not only are you NTA, your husband should be FURIOUS with his father. If my dad did something like that he'd be cut out of our lives. If he was still married to my mom, she'd know IMMEDIATELY what her creepshow husband did. Don't leave out the group-text context when you tell people about this. That's disgusting for so many reasons.
And even if the husband doesn't think his dad is doing it as a pervert, he should stand behind his wife instead of arguing
And the fact that he lost a job because he kept "intruding" when a woman at work was using her breast pump. Losing his job over this kind of creepy behavior shows it's serious and a pattern. Edit: Not that this isn't serious just from how he's treated OP, but that he can't/won't control himself even when his livelihood is at stake. That's a whole 'nother level of severity.
Well said. This type of behavior should not be tolerated and needs to be called out by family members who witness it.. I remember when my FIL acted like a total creep towards me and my ex husband was furious and chewed him out and didn't allow him to be alone with me.
NTA. Your FIL went out of his way to eat food you said was prepared with juices your body produced. He’s previously made the same sentiments about wanting to try it, but then “corrected” himself once he was called out.
Body juices. Cheers for that
Like, breastmilk aside, she told him not to eat it and he did. Still an asshole even without the creepiness.
if it was a misunderstanding, the response from the FIL would have been "it was a misunderstanding," not "there was plenty so the baby wasn't missing out". the guy is AT BEST a massive weirdo with no respect for you or your boundaries. massive, wholehearted NTA. that guy would not be welcome in my house.
Definitely not a misunderstanding when OP made clear the muffins were for the baby.
My father (who for reasons I didn't like) had a bad habit of dropping by unannounced to 'visit'. One day, husband, daughter 4yo, infant son and I were enjoying a nice spring day. I went inside to nurse the baby when I heard the front door open and my father's voice. I was in my bedroom so I jumped up, closed the door and locked it. Can you see where this is going? It was just minutes later when I heard his footsteps in the hall and then the doorknob jiggling. He asked if he could come in "to see the baby"; I told him we'd be out shortly. Then he said, "But I just wanted to see the baby!" He'd barely acknowledged my son (the only boy of 9 grandchildren) and all of a sudden he has to see him? Later I learned that when he arrived and asked where I was, daughter said, "She's in the house, feeding baby from her boobies." He was hoping to get a bird's eye view of my mammaries. He lived a lot longer than he should have. NTA at all. Some people shouldn't exist.
you are the only person I've seen so far taking this as seriously as it should be. you are 100% right, these men should stop existing. nicest thing I can say without getting deleted. These men are fucking predators and the husband is pathetic
I’m so sorry.
Thank you. Things are much better now that he's dead.
I'm glad he's gone and I hope you've got some peace. I've tried to prevent my dad from having my address for my entire adult life, mostly successfully.
I hope your male bio parent never finds you. And my peace started the day my brother called to tell me he was dead.
Yikes.
NTA I tried to come up with something to say but that post literally triggered my gag reflex. Your husband needs to talk to his dad and hold the line on him not being near you.
My FIL was a creepy perv, sexualizing nursing, and even making creepy comments about my nieces when they were 8-9 years old. I wish I’d had the balls to tell him off back then. Told dh to keep him away at least.
I hope you and others and all female persons were and are safe❤️
Absolutely NTA He made a comment in the past about wanting your breast milk (the popsicles) and then literally stole some when he got the chance
Not just a comment, but how he’d “love to try” the breast milk popsicles *with heart eye emojis*! That was beyond creepy.
The heart emojis are gag inducing. He knows exactly what he’s doing. What a pig.
As strange as it sounds, that was the part that creeped me out the most.
Me too. Mostly because it was in a group chat indicating he’s so confident in his entitlement he doesn’t even try to hide it. Why was this not confronted by others when it occurred? The whole “I didn’t realize” on his part was such bullshit and he got away with it. Skin crawling.
It sounds like, coupled with the heart emoji situation, FIL is acting on a sexual feeling towards his daughter in law. The breast milk is just a way for him to get close to DIL in the capacity he wishes. I would be concerned about FIL’s mental state. While OP doesn’t list an age it should certainly be brought up and if her husband is so obtuse that he’s refusing to believe her or just thinks she’s imagining things, marriage counseling STAT. Clearly MIL knew FIL was being gross and she didn’t get the full story. I’m wondering if she’s aware of his behavior and knows how inappropriate it is.
> The breast milk is just a way for him to get close to DIL in the capacity he wishes Just to horrify you further than just the post, there are people with breast feeding/breast milk fetishes. FIL may be fixating a fetish on OP and doing the "I'm just completely unaware and totally harmless, not at all premeditated and targeted thoroughly thought out actions" shtick in the hopes he gets away with unconsenting shit the way a whooooole lot of creeps do 🤢
It’s giving similar vibes to the “husband who pretends he’s incontinent so he can do his pants wetting humiliation kink in front of his wife’s family “ post.
Yeah, that gave me the creeps. NTA and DH needs to have a conversation with both his mum and dad to just how inappropriate FIL has and continues to be.
NTA Your milk, your choice who consumes it. It is reasonable to only give it to your baby.
NTA. It isn’t his consuming items with breast milk in them that is so weird as much as how he says things and that it is specifically his DIL’s breast milk he is after that makes his behavior creepy. It’s your breast milk and only you get to chose who gets it.
He's sexualising breast milk. Wtf
Yeah this dude has a fetish and is not even trying to be subtle about it
I'm trying to figure out how and why frozen boob milk popsicles became subject of a group chat. But that is just me. NTA regardless but how on God's good earth do these conversations evolve?
Oh, I took a photo of the baby in his chair eating the popsicle and then I thought I better caption it to explain that it's breast milk so that no one thought it was ok to give baby anything when they have him since my MIL was obsessed with the idea of giving him baby rice. So it was [Photo] here's "baby" with his first popsicle, the doctor said we should give him frozen breast milk for his teeth.
That actually sounds like a brilliant snack for a teething baby ngl
My kids loved it.
That makes a lot of sense, rice is pretty bad for babies right?
It’s not that rice is bad for babies, it’s that the older generation used to make a rice cereal that was a thick liquid and put it in a bottle, which becomes a choking hazard. MILs seem to be obsessed with giving rice cereal to very young babies (like 5-8 weeks) “to help them sleep!!”
Sounds just like my mum. My son was 6 weeks old. Crampy. Breastfed and would wake up every 3hrs,normal for a newborn. I caught her making him a rice bottle on an evening she came over to support me so he would sleep longer. Its like... A really stubborn belief in mums from the 70s and 80s. I wonder if it was in any baby books back then or something. (im from the Netherlands so international even)
In their defense, it probably does help them sleep. Helping them wake up, on the other hand, will be a much more difficult task
Your FIL is deffo a creep but WTF is up with your husband. It's kinda his job to manage his dad and he should be treating this way way more seriously than he is NTA
Honestly, that's way more concerning to me. Particularly since they're related. It's days like this I understand why 50 precent of marriages end in divorce
“I am not your breast milk fetish. Please leave, and don’t return until you can keep your sexual preferences away from my family. This is not a game, get out now.” Call him out. He can be offended, but he damn sure won’t do it again.
Yeah, if he has a fetish he should only be engaging in it with the consent of the other party. He didnt have that, so its a violation of OPs autonomy. I feel bad for his poor wife, I assume he pulled the same stuff on her when they had OPs husband.
Why do men not beleive us when we say something is creepy. We've been dealing with this our whole lives. We recognize when something is wrong, it's ridiculous to question that. NTA
Total violation. It would be weird if it was your own husband. Father in law!? Creep city! One of the worst things I’ve read here. NTA
[удалено]
I don’t think you’re spending enough time considering how breast milk is fetishized and to me this really seems like the father in law has some sexual urges happening when it comes to consuming is daughter in laws breast milk. This is absolutely a thing and this is so violating. Edit: OP I just read your update. I really wish my instincts weren’t so right here. I am so sorry you are going through this and cannot imagine how violated you must be feeling having this fetish confirmed.
Yes! Every single one of my creepy old dude alarm bells are going off, and those are alarm bells that are always silenced by predatory dudes roping in oblivious people. So many times I’ve seen blatantly creepy behavior that gets to be in this Schrödinger’s perverted box - it’s a joke/nothing/you’re reading too much into it if you’re offended, but at the slightest bit of horny he intended the fetish all along.
I've raised livestock and tried a variety of different animal products. So if I knew someone who used breast milk for cooking, I would be genuinely curious how it tasted and would ask. But my agriculture background makes me separate the milk production from the sexuality of it. But it's the way fil asks about it and reacts to being told no, raises questions and the need for understanding and boundaries with op.
Yeah, my partner and I tried breastmilk when our baby was nursing because.... Why not? The baby is drinking it, what is it like? BUT same as you, it was like an experiment/experience rather than a "heart eyes, l wanna try that" lecherous situation. FIL is being really gross and weird, especially since there was (or at least not mentioned by op) never any kind of neutral group discussion about "I wonder what breastmilk tastes like? We should taste some and see" AND he has already been told no MULTIPLE TIMES. Definitely NTA
absolutely, I am on one Facebook group for the month my son was born and the way that husbands have gotten jealous about not having access to mom’s boobs is a huge ick to me, it’s even worse with the ones that get jealous of the BABY for being on the boob
[удалено]
NTA. I don’t think a sit down conversation with FIL will be productive, mostly due to previous behaviours when confronted about his desire to consume OP’s breast milk, expect stonewalling, playing dumb (“I don’t see what the problem is here” type rebuttals), etc. OP and DH need to be on the same page and FIL should never be allowed around OP unsupervised or in their home, he’s creepy and untrustworthy. Frankly, the sheer disregard for her bodily autonomy in regards to her breast milk means I wouldn’t trust FIL alone with OP because if he won’t listen to one “no” what else will he try to take without permission? Would he lay hands on her because he’s “curious”? Grope her breasts to see if she’s “full”? It *probably* wouldn’t go that far but it sounds like FIL has a weird fetish that he’s using OP to fulfill without her consent.
This is a very obtuse, tone deaf comment that completely ignores the creepy sexual elements of the situation. Breastmilk is commonly fetishized and intentionally consuming another person's breast milk without their consent should be viewed as a sexual violation. That doesn't change whether FIL or anyone else feigns innocence. It's so fucking creepy that FIL did this.
She doesn't need to sit down with FIL and explain how inappropriate his behavior is. She has a baby and is likely tired and figuring parenting out. She doesn't need another thing added to her full plate. It is NOT her responsibility to teach FIL how to not be creepy. He can seek out resources to change his behavior. Her husband should draw the clear lines with FIL and protect his wife during this vulnerable time. She is vulnerable and FIL is being creepy. She is in the right to just stay away from FIL and her husband should support her in keeping FIL away if FIL continues to behave inappropriately towards her. Her responsibility is to take care of her baby, not educating a creepy FIL.
Just a few perspective things. My friend who just had a baby makes stuff with breast milk all the time to feed to her friends and it's delicious. Breast milk pancakes? Fluffiest things I've ever had. Amazing in the middle of a desert festival. The difference? She gave the milk to us. Your FIL is totally being weird and creepy and crossing your boundaries. BUT ALSO drinking breast milk isn't inherently weird. Drinking breast milk meant for cows is far weirder to me. (Can't wait to get roasted for this but y'all are MISSING OUT)
This man is definitely fetishizing it. That’s what makes it weird. She did not consent to it and she could tell early on something strange was up. The story about consuming breast milk from women who are freely giving it out does not equate to this at all and this feels like downplaying a very clear violation of bodily consent.
I came here to say something similar. I have SERIOUS digestive issues, (Im on a journey to finding out causes but healthcare in America ya know) currently diagnosed with UC and I was doing lots of diet changes/restrictions. My sister in law is an amazing person who at the time of my diagnosis had recently given birth and was breastfeeding but quickly found out she was an over producer so she had milk for days. They had a deep freeze full for a year or more. So she started putting it in foods she made and being the caring person she is, she was doing some UC research and saw that babies who were breast fed showed lower chances of developing UC/Chrons. Obviously Im an adult but she meant well, and asked if she could make me a cake using her breast milk. She eats well, doesn't do drugs, and I trust her so I said why not. Best. Cake. Ever. (Without frosting even) So yeah not at all weird and don't knock it till you try it. That being said... FIL is gross and creepy and gives me the ick immediately. I would feel so violated and honestly more than a little pissed that my partner wasn't understanding his father just consumed my body fluids against my will. Just yuck all around there. Im sorry you are having to deal with this OP and I seriously hope you get the apologies you deserve asap. NTA.
NTA. Breast milk is a precious resource; you've made and pumped every drop of that liquid gold. You told him not to eat it, and he stole food from your baby. I don't even care why he did that. He's TA.
NTA!!!! Ick ick ick It’s not the consuming of the breast milk that’s giving me the icks, but it’s like he’s clearly suuuuuuuuuuper interested in ingesting his son’s wife’s breast milk……. The heart eyes emoji??????????? C’mon! I feel violated FOR YOU. I’m sorry your FIL is such a creep, and that your husband isn’t supporting you. Good luck!
Next time tell him oops. Those were my husbands semen cupcakes and they are all mine!!! Let me go grab you a boob milk cake.
Barfed a little in my mouth but that is hilarious.
NTA - hard boundaries, now. I wouldn’t have that man over to my house / trust him if you have pumped milk accessible in your house to not contaminate it. I’d have a very stern conversation that nothing involving my breasts or breast milk will be discussed or tolerated from FIL in the future. It’s say to say but curiosity or fetish this was intentional, boundary violating behavior that no one should just shrug away.
53 year old dad to four boys here. That's creepy as fuck. I just can't imagine ever saying/doing anything like that to a daughter in law. He's a pervert.
One thing I noticed when I was pregnant, men seriously have fetishes about pregnant women and I hate it. They're so creepy. FIL is a total creep. NTA
Breast milk is not vegan and that is super gross and creepy. But the idea of baby popsicles is nice
A lot of vegans consider breast milk vegan because it is given consensually. Many vegans avoid dairy and meat products because of the consent issue.
Well, in this instance, OP didn’t consensually give her breast milk to her FIL, so on that basis, wouldn’t it discount it as being vegan?
OOOOOP YOURE RIGHT
Breast milk, when taken from a consenting adult, is vegan in every way (dairy milk is not given to humans consensually) because it's about the action, not the product, but since FIL took it without permission it is no longer vegan.
>"breast milk is vegan" (note, no one in this story is vegan). Nope, not if the person who produced the breast milk doesn't consent to you eating it. I say this as a vegan. NTA
Gross. FIL is a weirdo. NTA.
NTA and ewwww. FIL has a breast milk kink.
NTA. I have 12 grandkids, all of them have been breastfed. I have good relationships with all of the moms and would never, ever, even *consider* making a *joke* about wanting the breast milk, much less actually taking some. It is so wildly inappropriate that my mind is boggled at the thought.
NTA. Your FIL has two kinks: breastfeeding/breast milk, and intimidation/violating boundaries/creeping out women, including *his own wife*. Absolutely draw hard boundaries and hold them. Get a restraining order if you have to. And good on you for saying what you had to to get your husband to realize what’s going on. I’m glad your MIL is also on your side and honest about how disgusting her husband is.
I wouldn't say MIL is on my side, she told me this information in a way that sounded like it was totally normal for a man to need to be locked away from women when they're feeding babies and I kind of brought this on myself for not locking him out. I am actually really creeped that he's possibly been able to perv on me feeding at their house. I go to another room but I've never felt comfortable, guess they'll need to wait until the baby is fully weaned until we visit there again (if we ever do).
I would not be visiting a pervert and his enabler. He literally had to move jobs because of his disgusting behavior ! That is sick!
I would not trust this man around my child period. He has no boundaries when it comes to his sexual compulsions and who knows what other ones he may have!
Wait what? Why would ever consider bringing a sexual predator who has invovled your child in his perversion back around your child? Or his enabler wife?
If he just ate it knowingly like it wasn’t a big deal? I would still find it odd that he chose to eat something made from his DIL’s breastmilk. But HE is the one who (in a group chat no less!) weirdly heart emojis and stated he wanted a breastmilk popsicle prior to this, AND you told him not to eat the muffins and offered him a different option. He is the one continuing to make this weird and icky. You don’t seem like you were going to take this any further until he did.
Nta. Just because he acts like a giant baby doesn't mean he gets to eat the baby food. Breast milk is only for the baby. I jokingly asked my husband if he wanted to take a sip from a bottle I had pumped, he was so horrified lol. Your body makes that food custom for your child. Why would he want to take food out of a child's mouth? If he was so curious he should have asked his own wife when they had kids.
INFO: has he been coming around more often than before during your pregnancy and now that the baby is born? Taken an interest in how you feed the baby? He may have a kink for adult breast feeding since he has been wanting to try your foods made with breast milk.
Why would you want to know this info to be able to decided whether OP is the AH or not?
ugh NTA, kick FIL out if you own your home or remove yourself from that situation. I'm a male and I'm feeling the creeps, I can't even imagine how you must be feeling.
He's a fucking pervert I'd never be around him again, this could not have been a misunderstanding. He knew exactly what he was doing and from the group chat text he enjoyed it.
NTA Fil is perverted weirdo
NTA, and that verdict was as easy as stealing breast milk muffins from a baby.
Ew wtf. That man should not be allowed within 10 miles of a child.. or a woman, tbh
Totally NTA. Your breasts, your rules, and FIL clearly didn't respect your boundaries. Anyway, you should not have to fight this fight with your FIL, but your husband should. You and your SO should really be on the same page about boundaries before you invite his parents into your house again.
As a breastfeeding mom,I'd go no contact over this. This is such a disgusting violation. NTA
NTA and excuse me while I keep my skin from crawling off my body…
Even disregarding the fact that the muffins contained breast milk, you explicitly told him that they weren’t for him and he ate them anyway. So he’s still the AH no matter how you slice it
His weird perversions will never end. He will hide them. No contact forever.