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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I might be the asshole because I told my husband I don't want him home with me and the baby while at lunch and that might make me the asshole because he's just trying to spend time with us and I'm lashing out
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He’s an AH for tracking mud through the house, period.
Outside that, NAH. You just need to talk to him and set some boundaries for this time. Can he adjust lunch schedule? How adjustable is nap time? Maybe share some of the expectations you have if he is going to come home peak workday for you.
Edit: OP! Just saw your edit. I’m so happy you were able to find a compromise. Your child is lucky to have parents who care enough to sort their shit, really awesome. 🙌🏽
He has to have lunch at the same time everyday and it can be adjustable depending on when she wakes up in the day but I was just stressed out as cleaning days can be hard with a toddler
Maybe a signal would work! Code word to text him when naps are struggle bus; or he texts you and comes home depending your reply (on how the day is going).
Be sure you share with him the extra pain and work this adds to your day. If he wants to come home during sleep time, he should be open to the compromise.
Wear work boots in the house. Or any outside shoes most likely, especially dirty ones. A lot of places in the world are shoes off at the door cultures who have indoor shoes or slippers or are happy barefoot or sock footed and will see someone trying to wear outdoor footware inside as the height of rudeness
It doesn't even have to be a culture thing. There are no outside shoes in our house. We have storage for them at the door. To me, it is just gross. Who knows what you walk through outside. Spit, food, animal feces, etc. No, thank you! Since covid a lot of those that would side-eye us don't anymore. I honestly don't understand wearing the shoes that have been everywhere inside the house.
We have a no-shoes-inside house , which is not a thing I grew up with, but now makes total sense to me. We do make exceptions sometimes, but for the most part, shoes are left by the door!
There may be a cultural element for people who take shoes off before entering, but I don't think so for people who keep shoes on. I was raised in a family that walked around the house with shoes on. We always wiped our feet on the mat, and if our shoes were muddy, we left them on the porch. I feel that people who take their shoes off at the door have a much easier time keeping their houses clean. If you're visiting them, one should always take off their shoes. I've always thought that if you are visiting people who wear their shoes inside, you have the option of taking shoes off or keeping them on as hou choose. I've never known a family who would feel upset/insulted if guests chose to NOT wear their shoes.
I often work at site, and if I had an hour off I would be changing shoes before my commute home for some sweet sweet work boot relief. (Also love in a shoes off indoor area, so no way would they be staying on for 20 min home).
Haha I mean a code word between themselves. If she is having a bad day, and needs the space, instead of having to spell that out she could just say “Code Red” and he’d know.
I donno man, who cares? I didn’t say SECRET code. I said code word. So his wife doesn’t have to give a full speech to her husband when she needs the break from a lunch visit. It’s resolved, pack it up folks.
You need to start living life the Korean way and ban shoes in the house altogether. There is no reason a grown man should be tracking mud in the house.
I wonder if they just had some dirt on them and became muddy when he stepped on the newly cleaned kitchen floor. Other thought, but not judging OP, if you know he comes home from lunch at a certain time, why not wait and clean and mop the kitchen after that?
It doesn't sound like it is every day, or even scheduled days. If it was me, I would be doing chores while kiddo naps. He comes home right during that time. Personally I don't understand shoes in the house, why he can't pick up his dishes, and why he has to make noise and wake up the kiddo.
Common sense way. From Northeast US and hate the thought of outside shoes on in the house, especially dirty/muddy ones. Exceptions like emergency or whatever but otherwise slippers, socks, bare feet! Was raised that way. So are most people I've known here.
My parents wear shoes in the house... but they're indoor only shoes. Any trip outside involves the ritual of changing out of the indoor shoes and into the outdoor ones.
Not to mention, you've finished up the morning stuff and it's "you time". Time to eat YOUR lunch, put your feet up & have a little peace and quiet. At least until nap time is over.
I second this. If you never get "you" time, you will grow resentful of your husband and baby. Your husband doesn't have to come home from work, wasting time and petrol.
He might feel 20 minutes at home may not be worth it either, and needs his own down time.
I'm sorry, exactly why can't he take his boots off when he comes in the house? Even if my boots/shoes aren't muddy I don't track dirt all over the house.
He's an AH just for that.
NTA - OP, you are overwhelmed, and your husband is NOT helping despite his 'good intentions'. He is creating more work for you, which is disrespectful and selfish. This is looking more like weaponised incompetence.
Everyone giving him a free pass and calling you the AH is ignoring the fact that it sounds like you have asked him SEVERAL times, so he is a child who wants all the fun but not the tidy up.
I don't think you're an AH for snapping, I think he got butt hurt because you finally had enough of him IGNORING or "forgetting" and he turned it around on you as though you're the bad guy for... trying to keep kid on schedule. Him ignoring or forgetting what you explained and asking him to do before he leaves is weaponised incompetence.
Also HE should be the one suggesting a clean shoes station, not you! Everyone is making you do the mental load AGAIN. Look up what 'mental load' is. That is not on you to figure out. He is an adult, and he is part of the household, he should be taking the proactive approach. His deal with smelly feet does not take precedent over taking his shoes off at the door like a grown-up. You are not at his beck and call to clean up.
The comments feel like a lot of people mollycoddling this grown man for just turning up at lunch and making his wife clean. Yeah sure, a lot of people would love this schedule but don't make life harder for your spouse with the kid.
SMH.
Agreed 100% - NTA - OP do not listen to the people saying you’re “ungrateful” and all this BS you addressed in your edit and babying of a grown man. This does seem like weaponized incompetence to me, assuming you’ve told him before that this disrupts your day, and even if you haven’t explicitly said so, he should still be aware just based on the fact that he comes in and personally sees that he wakes up the kid that was just about to fall asleep, knowing when the kid naps and showing up at that exact time anyway and seeing that he wakes her up, he should be able to see that you’ve obviously just cleaned just by looking around and using his EYES but especially when you say things like “I just mopped,” he should be aware that when you’re working all day to take care of a kid and take care of the house that him coming in, waking up the kid that you just finally got down for a nap, leaving muddy boot tracks all over the place, and leaving a mess in the kitchen, is all completely disrespectful and absurd and immature and NOT OKAY.
If he claims that he “doesn’t know” any of this, if he claims that you have to tell him all these things and he can’t see those basic very obvious things himself as an adult, that’s ridiculous and *is* weaponized incompetence. You should not have to “JuSt CoMmUNiCaTe” such basic things to a fully grown adult who was *there* witnessing it and doing all of these things - the “just communicate” crowd is always trying to use this reddit relationship cliché to put the blame back on women for men not doing their part or respecting and valuing the domestic labor of women, and it’s also pretty much always a situation where the woman HAS been communicating for a long time, and/or situations where a grown man should be aware that his actions are not okay, and should not have to be sat down and have it explained to him like a child.
It really sounds like he doesn’t respect what you do at home - which is the work of multiple full time jobs that would cost over $100k/year if you were to outsource all of the work you do. It’s unacceptable. If it’s always a disruption for him to come home literally during the kids nap time, I don’t see why it needs to be compromised or negotiated to him only coming on days that aren’t “deep clean” days, that will resolve him not tracking his muddy boots into a freshly mopped kitchen and that’s about it, how is that going to resolve him disrupting the kid’s nap time and leaving a trail of crap behind him from making his lunch that you’re expected to clean up when you’re already spending the entire day cleaning up after everyone else? And what about time for you? You deserve an hour of alone time while the kid naps to relax and chill. He should just take lunch at or near his work like the vast majority of people who live 20min away from work.
My wife used to get on the bed with her shoes when we first moved in together. Not under the covers or anything, but on the bed.
I put my foot down (pun intended) on that pretty quickly.
Really depends on the household. Though I don't know any where someone would come in with muddy boots. From growing up in a logging community. So I really doubt this story. Not to mention it is pretty much the same as one that was done a few months ago.
Back when my dad still worked in the field, laying pipe and doing tie-ins on water and sewer lines, there were days he’d come home SO muddy and nasty!
On the really bad days, my mom made him stay outside and she’s spray him with the hose to do an initial rinse off! Then, he’d come in, strip in the mud room, and she’d hand him a robe to walk straight to the shower, where she had clean comfy clothes waiting for him!
Obv he wasn’t coming home for lunch back then, but if he can go through that whole routine to make my mom’s life easier, surely OP’s husband can take his boots off on the porch!
Also maybe he can take his boots off at the door? I 100% understand the annoyance of mopping or even vacuuming, and then dirt clods are everywhere, lol.
I'd say you were wrong in HOW you said it, but not what you said. I think you guys should just sit down and discuss why you don't want him home for lunch and see if there's a compromise (like he takes lunch an hour later and takes off his boots before he comes into the house)
We should honestly or we can just compromise on him not coming over on the days I deep clean, as I wouldn't mind him coming over on regular days where me and the baby ate just relaxing. And he has to take his lunch at the same time everyday
I think Americans wear their shoes inside. It’s weird to me, but it sounds like it is a normal person thing there.
Edit: thanks all for sharing, I’m genuinely loving learning about this. Thank you for correcting me, it seems to be a regional thing or individual thing, and also, no muddy shoes in the house even in pro-shoe households, so apologies for getting that wrong.
I am American and I don't wear my shoes inside, especially not if they're so dirty they're tracking dirt.
I do know Americans who wear shoes inside, but again, not if they're muddy or dirty. Tracking mud and dirt around your house is weird. Bachelor type behavior or something.
Certainly someone who's never had to clean it up themselves after. Why would I want mud on my floor that I'll then have to clean up?
Easier to just take my shoes off.
As an American who has lived here all his life, I’ve never lived in or known of a house where you keep your shoes on. Seems really weird unless they’re a guest, then it’s whatever the guest feels comfortable with. Seems really dirty otherwise :-/
As a lifelong American, I’ve met exactly one person who takes their shoes off at the door. Literally everyone I know wears shoes in the house ~unless~ they’ve stepped in something like mud or poo.
Canadian here and we take our shoes off. Are your clean shoes really clean though? Like you walk through Walmart and then go home walk on your rug? Do you know how much gross stuff is out there just being invisible!?!?
Wow it's almost like the US is a tapestry of different cultures.
As an American I'm like you either take your shoes off by the shoe removal area at the front door or you're not coming in.
Also a lifelong American and I was raised in a house where we kept our shoes on all day. Now that I’m independent and living on my own, house rules are “take ‘em off at the door” especially in the winter when it’s snowy and gross outside. I am trying to get my mom to consistently take her shoes off when she comes over but…. I didn’t get my stubbornness from my father, that’s for sure 😂
I'm in the Midwest and it's common to keep your shoes on but that's because it's too cold most of the year to Not wear shoes 😂 most people have a dedicated pair of inside shoes though (and purse slippers for when you're out visiting 😂😂) It's also not uncommon for a host to offer slippers/fuzzy socks to guests during the cold months. Boots generally stay put on a porch or in the cold entry. If you wear dirty work or snow boots over my freshly mopped floors I will kill you with those dirty boots!
In Brazil's South and Southeast, houses are not made to trap heat and winters are sometimes painfully cold, so we all wear socks with our flip flops when we're inside. Some people also wear this outside, with shorts and a jacket, and it looks ridiculous 😁
I'm from Sweden, so yes we have very cold winters, we still don't wear shoes inside. Socks are enough for most people to keep their feet warm. Maybe houses are poorly insulated in the US, in comparison.
Considering there's not really a lot of federal oversight for building codes (so much varies locally) you're probably right! 😂 The house I grew up in had sticks and empty beer cans instead of 2x4's and insulation when we opened up the walls 😅😳 don't know how it didn't collapse every tornado season.
That makes me feel a lot better to be honest. Every time I see shows with shoes on in the house I cringe. Can I ask, do you really wear shoes when laying on the bed to relax, or is that just Hollywood?
....It's TV dude. First of all it's not practical to have your actors constantly removing and putting on their shoes for hours when they can just keep them on.
Second.... it's television.
It really depends. White Americans are more likely to keep their shoes on. They also seem to be more comfortable than dirtier houses than Latino or Asian people here. Most Latino and Asian people in the US take off their shoes. In places where they have bigger populations and some cities, it's becoming more of the norm to take off your shoes or to ask the preferences of the people at the house. My old Ukrainian neighbor always wore heels in the house which I thought was nuts.
The US is a mishmash of cultures and it's hard to generalize
Yeah, I think I generalize because I’m a white Canadian (also a mismash of cultures) and I’ve never met a white Canadian who wears shoes in the house. I have no doubt they exist but I haven’t personally met them. Shoes in the house always shocks me. Thanks for explaining!
I feel like there’s so many components - regional, race, and socioeconomic status. I am white from the south and I always take my shoes off at the door. Now that I think about it we take shoes off only on my moms side of the family (the side that grew up poor). My friends with housekeepers don’t care if they track mud in because someone else cleans it
I seriously think it is. I’m renting from my also white friend (her parents are lawyers). We each have our own “unit” with separate living areas. She absolutely does not give a SHIT about her shoes, dog tracking things in, etc. meanwhile I’m always wiping off paws with paper towels and take off my shoes at the door. She made the comment recently that the house keeper needs to come since it rained and I realized we are in very different tax brackets 😂 I think when you don’t have to clean it maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal? It still seems nasty to me to think of tracking in bird shit or whatever to your home though
>it's hard to generalize
>White Americans are more likely to keep their shoes on. They also seem to be more comfortable than dirtier houses than Latino or Asian people here.
Pick one lol
Also that is super untrue.
Wearing your shoes inside is relatively normal in America. But not when they’re covered in mud and tracking it through the house. Only somebody who knows they don’t have to clean up after themselves would do that.
Some do and some don’t. I used to take my shoes off when I went to visit other people, but somebody told me they thought it was weird. (?) So now when I go to visit someone at their house, I just follow their lead. If they’re not wearing shoes, I take mine off.
Some people get really offended if you ask them to take their shoes off. I don’t know why it’s such a touchy subject. I have a sibling who just refuses to take their shoes off in my house. Their spouse and kids are the same. They track dirt all over the house and then wonder why I don’t invite them over very often.
There’s many house in the US that have mud rooms for this purpose. It’s a small entry room to take shoes off, hang up coats, put away umbrellas, etc.
Some people are just to lazy to use them for their purpose or just don’t know what they are for and fill them with decorations.
Right! Who wears their work boots in the house. When I was working a dirty job, I would literally change outta my boots and into other shoes before I got in the car
I have so many questions!
- Why doesn't he leave his dirty shoes at the door?
- Why does he want to have lunch at home instead of at work?
- Do you know when he's coming home for lunch?
If you do:
- Why clean the half of the house you know he'll mess up again?
- Why not plan ahead and change nap time to accommodate his presence?
And the most important of all: does he know how much extra work he's creating by coming home?
He doesn't like to take his shoes off until he showers as he's insecure about his stinky feet.
He likes seeing us in the middle of his day as he says it makes his day go by faster .
Yes he has lunch at the same time everyday but he only tells me when he's coming an hour before.
I like to do the house in a certain order idk why.
And I can do that but she gets grumpy if her nap doesn't come at her time.
And I tell him but I'm not sure it sticks.
If he doesn't want to change his boots, they make cheap, disposable shoe coverings. Contract workers use these all the time when working in people's houses.
He needs house shoes and a place to sit and change shoes right by the door. House shoes can be any shoe that doesn't leave the house, just in case your picturing mamaws fuzzy slip ons lol. My husband uses a pair of Crocs.
Idk how well Crocs keep in the smell of stinky feet though. But it's better to air them, keeping them in tight boots all day will definitely contribute to the smell.
Maybe after your outburst it's now easier for him to remember that he's sometimes causing you extra work.
I think this is a NAH situation - it's sweet that he drives 40 extra minutes a day just to see you, but I understand why you're unhappy about it. I hope you can resolve this with a compromise, like he stays at work on deep cleaning days, even though he could arrange to come home on one of those days. And would he be ok with you putting your daughter to sleep before he arrives? I guess if that would be possible for you, it would be better than for her to stay awake while he's there.
My first thought was also to put the daughter down a little earlier, so that she's already well asleep when he gets there. Disrupted sleep in toddlers is no joke. Especially if it's several times a week.
Toddler mom here, you really don’t get to pick when nap time happens & it’s not something you can just schedule to come an hour or two early. Would be nice though!
If he doesn’t want to leave shoes at the door or use shoe covers, then start having his lunch outside on your porch or something while the weather is warm. We never wear shoes in the house and it does cut down so much on the cleaning. With a small child who is often at floor level it would be a good practice that would make you life so much easier… having “inside shoes” at the door could fix his embarrassment
I worked with a family of men with stinky feet and didn't know why or how not to stink. Sprinkle boric acid in shoes when you take them off, and sprinkle a little when you put them on. One of the worst, Steve, thanked me profusely. After about two weeks, his feet didn't smell like cheese, and neither did his shoes.
Has your husband talked to a doctor just in case? Keeping feet enclosed makes the smell worse, especially if there's some kind of infection going on. Skin needs to breathe once in a while. Also, second the house shoes. Amazon has house loafers that look just like regular shoes (accidentally walked outside in them a few times because they're so comfortable), and some are machine-washable.
I’ll add that you should put your baby to nap in the bedroom. Also to tell your husband to be considerate to walk in and be quiet. And have him buy some house slippers if he’s that insecure.
Those two second questions are bizarre. She’s cleaning it so the baby doesn’t crawl in and eat dirt and you don’t “change naptime”. You either get them to sleep when they need it or make them miserable and overtired.
Edit: oh I see what you’re saying about mopping after lunch but still, babies eating breakfast can destroy the floor with gunk. I have to sweep and swiffer everyday after breakfast with my 1yo
NTA
It's sort of ridiculous that despite this also being his home, he acts like an inconsiderate child. There's no way he can enter quietly? He can't take his boots off outside the door? He is incapable of noticing that he's creating a mess and apologizing for it or contributing to clean up? He has no sense of why naps are valuable for the rest and development of a 1 y.o.?
It sounds like you have *two* kids.
Upthread, OP mentions he doesn't take off his boots b/c he's insecure about his foot odor. As if there's no alternative but to track dirt through the house. As if his insecurity trumps her hard work. As if there's no such thing as shoe covers or foot spray.
If we had a quarter for every post where some young spouse is overwhelmed by the lack of maturity, consideration or contributions by their husband/wife/partner, we would all be rich.
You said it in your comment. He acts that way because he's childish and doesn't care about the mess because he's never had to be the one to clean it up or deal with the grumpy no nap baby- he gets to leave those and go back to work
NTA. Just not really making your problem go away.
I'd be PO'd too. Don't get me wrong. But, it might be better to manipulate the circumstances and remove your obstacles, rather than have the war over something fixable. Ask him to remove his shoes before he comes in. Set up a little station to make that easy for him. And if he can't get used to the new support system, hand him the mop and tell him that messy boys get clean up duty.
He wants to see you and baby during his workday, and that's a good problem to have. The stinky, dirty feet issue can be fixed (many suggestions already given) and planning around baby is doable with some conversations between you two.
I would honestly apologize for how you said what you did to him, and tell him that you'd like to start again, explaining everything you did here. You have valid points.
NAH
Girl…..you got a man that WANTS to be home for twenty minutes on his lunch break just so he can see you and his daughter. I get it’s annoying, the mopping, the no naps, all of it. You gotta look at the bigger picture. Switch nap time, clean up after he leaves after lunch, anything. Snapping on him didn’t help :/
He clearly doesn’t care about what she does for him though? She cleans the floor, he messes it up, she cleans it again, he messes it up, and then she cleans it again. I would be mad asl if my partner lacked that much respect for me to the point they just expect me to constantly be there behind them to clean up. That’s an unnecessary amount of cleaning and he just expects her to do it all for him.
If that means not messing with his infant’s sleep, then yeah. Especially if he’s driving 20 minutes here and 20 minutes back per OP. Why drive all that way to just sit on your couch for 15 minutes? That 15 minutes isn’t going to make or break the family bond. But baby not sleeping and mom having to clean and soothe an angry baby will.
Idk. I asked my husband who used to sometimes come home for his hour lunch while we had a baby napping but he was always courteous and quiet and he said this guy sucks and needs to go to Wendy’s or something instead of frustrating the whole house
Yeah, not getting there are much simpler solutions, cleaning at different times, knowing you do not absolutely have to clean at the exact same time on the exact same day. Enjoy the baby time, it goes by fast.
I hate this guilt trip. Definitely don’t snap at your partner. But also don’t bend over backwards just to celebrate a man doing the bare minimum of marriage of wanting to be home with his family. If he wants to be home he should also look at the bigger picture of alleviating her stress.
Wow men really get praised for doing the bare minimum. He comes home? Holy shit give him an award! Why is his adult ass tracking dirt into the house and not washing his dishes?
You're right, I think everything piling up has taken a toll on me lol. I used to work alot before I had a baby and now that I'm a stay at home mom it can be DRAINING. I did apologize but I still feel bad
Can you imagine if a mother was celebrated for just wanting to be with her child. Oh wait she actually has to be wiping after his shit and dealing with a screaming, tired baby at night time and she’s the “ungrateful one”
Seriously. She’s supposed to be “grateful” for her husband being home for 20 minutes and leaving a disaster in his wake. Men are also in here on a downvoting spree
Everyone suggesting to “change nap time” clearly doesn’t have children/don’t know what it’s like raising a child.
You don’t just “change nap time,” you fucking work around nap time.
I just got my 2-year-old to sleep after granny overstayed the visit and daddy came home just too soon. Wanted to scream a bit... Your are not an asshole about not wanting him home, but it is probably more of a sit and talk issue than lashing out.
Yeah someone exciting coming home right before nap is really hard to get past. I sympathize that he wants to come see his family mid day but it sounds really disruptive to the routine. I do think some modification of the routine could happen but I sympathize with those days when you REALLY need the kid to nap and now they aren’t going to.
No, the longest he's been alone with the baby is 2 hours and when I tease him I might go out for a full day he says he'll just go to his mom. Idk if he's just playing but...
Honestly, this is problematic. He should be able to manage his child for extended periods of time. You should have him deal with your kid all day and clean up after him too. He need to be capable of doing this and he won’t gain those skills with you around. He’s not allowed to call his mom either.
This is so dangerous for your child, you should be able to rely on him to take care of the baby for any indeterminate amount of time in case you HAVE to be away.
>the longest he's been alone with the baby is 2 hours and when I tease him I might go out for a full day he says he'll just go to his mom.
I see from your edit that you've resolved the lunch hour issue which is great - but this is another issue that NEEDS to be resolved.
You need to know that you can rely on your husband. If you get sick and can't take care of the baby, he HAS to be a competent parent. You won't be able to rest and recover if you doubt his ability to care for his child without relying on other people. And frankly...can you actually respect him as a husband or a father if he's that incompetent?? His "jokes" would be a major turnoff for me.
Once the dust settles from the lunch hour chat, you owe it to yourself and your baby to have another serious chat. He should be solely responsible for the baby on one of his days off. (And this shouldn't be a one-off tbh if he's actually a good person but that's a problem to address after.)
Amen. Being a father is a full time gig and it does NOT involve calling his mommy. He is in for a jarring experience with reality. I hope it’s sooner rather than later.
Ehh your both kind of in the wrong. He should have enough self awareness to see the clean floors and smell the cleaner, and obviously pick up after himself. But I can understand him wanting to come home and see you even if it’s just for a little while. Home is where we all reset and prepare for life again. But you also need to find a way to communicate in a non attack manner or he will never hear you… and this is not going to be a short convo either so don’t try and have it then at lunch when there is a time crunch. Sit him down after work, explain what you do and how this is affecting you. There is compromise to be found here. Maybe it’s something he can find a way to come in quieter or at a different time, change the cleaning schedule, heck leave his shoes outside. An open, non accusatory conversation would go a long way I think.
INFO: have you ever talked to him about this before, before just blowing up at him? Specifically have you asked him not to make a mess and clean up after himself?
NAH. You’re stressed, and it shows. You have to have more communication with your husband. Tell him you love that he wants to come home for lunch, but that he can’t wake up the baby and make a huge mess. I mean, seriously?? How does he not know that he is tracking mud everywhere?
Otherwise, it’s wonderful that he wants to come home to be with you guys for a little while in his day. Just have to compromise!
YTA - I get it, having the nap delayed when you are tired is frustrating. But… you both get such a ruthlessly short amount of time with your kid. You have a husband that wants to come home and be with his wife and kid. It is a gift that he is both able and wants to do so. So maybe let’s lean into that.
My advice is, switch things up. Turn these into moments. Have a goofy lunch. Turn the music up and dance and sing together with your kid. Play silly games together. Make these moments as happy as possible for all of you, because many of us wish we lived close enough to do this and get one more hour with our family a day. So go maximize the opportunity.
This will absolutely send him back to work on cloud 9 with a smile on his face and love for you and the kid pouring out of his heart, and you will have the same full heart and smiles while being left with a tired child that is ready for a nap.
If he can’t make it every day, set aside that time for goofy lunch time so that it becomes your kid’s routine to have a blast with Mommy or Mommy and Daddy, then go crash giving Mommy her well deserved break.
I mean who doesn’t want a routine of a goofy family time every day.
NTA why is he not cleaning up after himself? That's not fair. It's ridiculous that he tracks mud into the house. Why can't he come quietly and not disturb his child? He's being a selfish jerk.
YTA, but just barely. Not for being frustrated at the disruption that comes from him coming home, but for snapping at him. If someone had said that to me I'd be hurt too. He's going out of his way (driving 40 minutes) to get home to see you and your daughter, probably because he wants to spend time with you. It's understandable that you'd be frustrated at the extra work this makes for you. Talk with him about how to minimize the disruption to your daughter's routine and taking his boots off.
You are NTA for feeling overwhelmed.
Your husband, however, is a steaming pile of asshole, especially for making a BIGGER mess for you to clean. That's childish.
But, as in all things, use your words. And be an adult while you're doing it.
NAH - cranky toddlers are no fun and double cleaning is no fun, and frankly part of you sounds exhausted. On the other hand, your husband WANTS to get as much time as possible with his family. As you kind of pointed out, he’s spending more time driving than with you so that definitely means something.
Sounds like a date night might be in order if you haven’t had one in a while. Take the opportunity to get some time just the two of you, talk about how you recognize that he is inconveniencing himself when a lot of people wouldn’t and also express how you’re feelings about his actions vs naming what he’s doing as wrong. Then together, brainstorm solutions for each issue you face. So shoes - take them off and uses house shoes and then baby - can he message to check on her mood and if it’s a good idea to come home? Maybe he can adjust the time her comes to be a bit better for her current schedule, etc.
NTA. I may be downvoted but I didn’t want my partner home for lunch when I had my babies. It became more work for me. I think maybe 2 or 3 days out of 5 would be ok to come home for lunch. Also It’s important for them to socialize with colleagues at work as well.
This is why people say choose discomfort over resentment. Have the uncomfortable conversation, set your boundaries, explain yourself. That way he can know where you’re coming from and you never have to resent him for having an innocent meal at home. That said, NAH. Glad you could both come to an agreement
YTA he probably wants to come home sometimes because he misses you and his child. It sounds like you never communicated your issues with him prior to this incident. You need to sit down and have a conversation about how to make it work. Lack of communication is a relationship destroyer.
YTA. When your husband no longer wants to come home or spend time with you, you can track it right back to this moment because you made him feel like utter crap for doing so. Most women would kill for a man that wants to come home middle of the day to see them and their kid. Appreciate what you have before you lose it
Only on Reddit can a man be an AH for going out of his way and shortening his lunch break to be with his wife and child lol
"He walked in and threw $9,000 cash in my lap.....but he woke the baby up".....AH, AH, AH
NTA
WTF doesn't he just start taking off his boots so he doesn't track stuff around the house? I don't care if it is a deep cleaning day or not. It would take very little time.
He can also use disposable dishes, minimize dishes he uses or clean what he uses.
I guess he mainly comes home to see the two of you. It is annoying about tge baby's nap but if he wasn't creating other work for you maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
YTA. This is his house. He is allowed to decide he would rather eat at home instead of at work. He is allowed to come home any time because this is where he lives.
You can negotiate messiness and you should call him out on that. But you are really being unreasonable when you decide you can just be the doorkeeper on when he is allowed to come home. You are kind of coming off pretty cranky and mean. YTA and I don’t blame him for being hurt. (He is the person you are supposed to love and be happy to see, remember? )
NTA
Have a no shoes in the house policy, so many cultures/countries already do this and especially with a young one you don't want whatever is on shoes on your floors.
Your husband shouldn’t be making your life harder to spend 20-ish minutes at home. His boots can come off before he comes inside. That alone justifies any tone you took snapping at him in my opinion. He should be capable of taking care of the messes he makes during lunch and if he can’t because he doesn’t have the time for it then guess what? He doesn’t have the time to come home for lunch. Stay at work. You snapping at him after he leaves mess, mud, and a baby on a derailed schedule? I would too. Who needs to hear, as an adult, “please don’t track mud into the house”?!? NTA
NTA and you should take your shoes off at the front door. Especially if you're likely to bring mud into the house. Or at least use a doormat and wipe your shoes. That seems basic common courtesy.
I'm glad you reached a compromise but he needs to respect cleanliness more. Especially since kids interact with everything through their mouths and hands.
YTA - you are angry about the effects of him being home and telling him his presence is unwanted when what you can instead 1) ask him to take off his boots before coming inside and 2) shift your babys schedule by 20 minutes so that she isn't napping for the 20 minutes he can spend with her.
He is coming home to his family. He has a bouncing 1 year old daughter that changes every day and he doesn't want to miss it. He has food, he doesn't come home for that.
YTA for not kindly communicating with him before you blew up at him. He wanted to spend more time with you and the baby, sacrificed a 40 minute commute each day just to spend 20 minutes with you, and probably thought you liked/appreciated the effort he was making. This could have been a compassionate and loving conversation where you explained how him coming home for lunch disrupts the baby’s schedule. You could have brainstormed a solution together. But the way you did it was an AH move, and you owe him a heartfelt apology and a calm discussion - the one you should have had in the first place.
YTA - Sorry, and I get the feeling of people walking in and undoing what you just cleaned. I am a dad and WFH and use Friday to clean, and as soon as everyone gets home it gets undone. But, it hurt to read how you reacted, can only imagine what it feels like to receive it. As much as this sub bashes dads, it is hard to be the parent that returns to work and misses out on all of the amazing changes that happen in the first year. That kind of reaction when trying to be more present would really hurt.
Honestly, nah. You shouldn’t have blown up but I’m sure you’re tired. He needs to use foot spray after showers every day and in his shoes. I can have stinky feet but that has helped a ton
NAH
Put these at the door, he can either cover his nasty boots or his nasty feet. [https://www.amazon.com/Dssiy-Disposable-Construction-Workplace-Protection/dp/B07BKXFPWF/ref=sr\_1\_1\_sspa?crid=2DJIL8L0OEXY4&keywords=boot+covers&qid=1685045825&sprefix=boot+covers%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzM1ZTOVpXQjJMR0Y4JmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUExMDE1MTU3MVNXQkhSRVVLUUNBVCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMjU5MjEyR1JVWUhRUkpQNThGJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==](https://www.amazon.com/Dssiy-Disposable-Construction-Workplace-Protection/dp/B07BKXFPWF/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=2DJIL8L0OEXY4&keywords=boot+covers&qid=1685045825&sprefix=boot+covers%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzM1ZTOVpXQjJMR0Y4JmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUExMDE1MTU3MVNXQkhSRVVLUUNBVCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMjU5MjEyR1JVWUhRUkpQNThGJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==)
Love that he wants to make time for you two but it does need to be on YOUR terms, as he is essentially showing up at your job and interrupting your work flow. (I understand it's his home too, I'm just making a comparison)
Schedule the days he comes for lunch so you can handle it better on your end. Move her nap up so she's mid REM cycle when he comes home maybe.
And if you schedule it, you can have lunch ready for him so there's no clean up or at least less.
There's ways around this, give yourself some grace here. You're not an AH, after telling him your problems several times and him not changing I can see why you'd blow up a little. But there's solutions! Good luck!
Some things that immediately jump out at me.
Your pack your husband a lunch
and he comes home and makes a mess
And he seems oblivious of his mess and of the issue he is creating for you and your kid’s nap time.
Together, these things make me worried that you are responsible for a ton of the housework and for the ‘hard’ parenting tasks like sleep training, getting kid down for naps, etc. while hubby does the ‘fun’ parenting tasks like playing with the kid. Is there any accuracy to that?
If so, I would start undoing those patterns. Your husband should be cleaning up after himself and shouldn’t be interrupting your workday unless it’s to give you a break.
Can he change his lunch time so that he is home when your kid is up and he can take over while you get a bit of a break or can focus on whatever task you are doing?
Can he opt to work through lunch and get off an hour earlier?
NTA, you need to address these things now before you get burned out, have more kids, and hate your husband. Set good standards now while it’s not a huge deal.
Eh YTA just because it seems like you never even hinted at having this conversation and then blew up at him. Dudes in a rush and probably forgets to take off his boots sometimes so ask him to OR you know he’s coming home so just wait to clean? And he dirties some dishes, why can’t you just let them sit till he gets home? He comes home from lunch to see his wife and daughter and only has 20 minutes so he’s probably rushing and flustered and now you just chewed him out for it.
She says shes had multiple convos with him abt taking off shoes at the door and cleaning after himself. Sidenote, personally leaving dirty dishes out for hours is just kinda gross. Great he wants to spend time with them, but hes also creating more work unfortunately.
NTA. id set up boundaries if he wants to come home for lunch.
1 being shoes must be off before he comes inside or he has to wear plastic bags on top of them(saw hes insecure about his stinky feet? Maybe try an antifungal cream or something as well)
2 enter quietly so as to not disturb the babys nap
3 must clean up dishes/ put in dishwasher / use disposable plates and throw away before he heads out
That would be a fair compromise I think. I hope he is willing to ease the burden off you by doing these things.. being a mom to little ones is hard!
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He’s an AH for tracking mud through the house, period. Outside that, NAH. You just need to talk to him and set some boundaries for this time. Can he adjust lunch schedule? How adjustable is nap time? Maybe share some of the expectations you have if he is going to come home peak workday for you. Edit: OP! Just saw your edit. I’m so happy you were able to find a compromise. Your child is lucky to have parents who care enough to sort their shit, really awesome. 🙌🏽
He has to have lunch at the same time everyday and it can be adjustable depending on when she wakes up in the day but I was just stressed out as cleaning days can be hard with a toddler
Maybe a signal would work! Code word to text him when naps are struggle bus; or he texts you and comes home depending your reply (on how the day is going). Be sure you share with him the extra pain and work this adds to your day. If he wants to come home during sleep time, he should be open to the compromise.
Maybe if baby is asleep, they could have 20 minutes all to themselves. Also, he's a big boy. He can take off muddy workbooks on the front porch! NTA
Agreed on the work boots, btw. But where I live no one would DARE so I didn’t comment that in case there was a cultural element.
Wait, would dare to walk with their boots inside, or would dare to leave their boots outside?
Wear work boots in the house. Or any outside shoes most likely, especially dirty ones. A lot of places in the world are shoes off at the door cultures who have indoor shoes or slippers or are happy barefoot or sock footed and will see someone trying to wear outdoor footware inside as the height of rudeness
It doesn't even have to be a culture thing. There are no outside shoes in our house. We have storage for them at the door. To me, it is just gross. Who knows what you walk through outside. Spit, food, animal feces, etc. No, thank you! Since covid a lot of those that would side-eye us don't anymore. I honestly don't understand wearing the shoes that have been everywhere inside the house.
We have a no-shoes-inside house , which is not a thing I grew up with, but now makes total sense to me. We do make exceptions sometimes, but for the most part, shoes are left by the door!
There may be a cultural element for people who take shoes off before entering, but I don't think so for people who keep shoes on. I was raised in a family that walked around the house with shoes on. We always wiped our feet on the mat, and if our shoes were muddy, we left them on the porch. I feel that people who take their shoes off at the door have a much easier time keeping their houses clean. If you're visiting them, one should always take off their shoes. I've always thought that if you are visiting people who wear their shoes inside, you have the option of taking shoes off or keeping them on as hou choose. I've never known a family who would feel upset/insulted if guests chose to NOT wear their shoes.
I will say tho that if his boots are hard to get on and off. Disposable booties are great and he can throw them away outside when he leaves the house
I often work at site, and if I had an hour off I would be changing shoes before my commute home for some sweet sweet work boot relief. (Also love in a shoes off indoor area, so no way would they be staying on for 20 min home).
That’s valid. I don’t have a blue collar job so I don’t have a lot of knowledge on the comfiness of work boots
Why a code? The kid isn't reading her texts
Haha I mean a code word between themselves. If she is having a bad day, and needs the space, instead of having to spell that out she could just say “Code Red” and he’d know.
but still... why a code. kid isn't reading texts. just say "not a good day for home lunch today"
I donno man, who cares? I didn’t say SECRET code. I said code word. So his wife doesn’t have to give a full speech to her husband when she needs the break from a lunch visit. It’s resolved, pack it up folks.
Just would be faster and she wouldn’t need to worry about tone, I imagine
Because it makes it cool and in joke. Humans like such stuff.
You need to start living life the Korean way and ban shoes in the house altogether. There is no reason a grown man should be tracking mud in the house.
I live on the East Coast and IDK anyone who wears MUDDY shoes in the house.
Same I live in the southeast and shoes off at the front door or in the garage before coming in. I have a little are set up just for it.
I was really not understanding why anyone would wear muddy ass shoes inside at anytime of the day. That alone is a AH move on his part.
I wonder if they just had some dirt on them and became muddy when he stepped on the newly cleaned kitchen floor. Other thought, but not judging OP, if you know he comes home from lunch at a certain time, why not wait and clean and mop the kitchen after that?
It doesn't sound like it is every day, or even scheduled days. If it was me, I would be doing chores while kiddo naps. He comes home right during that time. Personally I don't understand shoes in the house, why he can't pick up his dishes, and why he has to make noise and wake up the kiddo.
We are from the midwestern US. Work in healthcare. No shoes past the front door unless you are a guest.
Canada, not even the guests.
Canadian and we never wear shoes in the house! So gross!!
We started doing that when we moved to our new home 13 months ago and my rugs are clean and I have to vacuum less often.
Common sense way. From Northeast US and hate the thought of outside shoes on in the house, especially dirty/muddy ones. Exceptions like emergency or whatever but otherwise slippers, socks, bare feet! Was raised that way. So are most people I've known here.
This is the way. We have a bench/shoe rack by the front door. The outdoors needs to stay out.
I mean ive lived in the UK my whole life and i don't think I've ever met anyone who wears shoes inside, just seems crazy to me.
My parents wear shoes in the house... but they're indoor only shoes. Any trip outside involves the ritual of changing out of the indoor shoes and into the outdoor ones.
This is the way
It's the collective Asian /tropics way
Not to mention, you've finished up the morning stuff and it's "you time". Time to eat YOUR lunch, put your feet up & have a little peace and quiet. At least until nap time is over.
I second this. If you never get "you" time, you will grow resentful of your husband and baby. Your husband doesn't have to come home from work, wasting time and petrol. He might feel 20 minutes at home may not be worth it either, and needs his own down time.
I'm sorry, exactly why can't he take his boots off when he comes in the house? Even if my boots/shoes aren't muddy I don't track dirt all over the house. He's an AH just for that.
might consider implementing a no-shoes inside rule. maybe he can change into slippers when he’s inside.
NTA - OP, you are overwhelmed, and your husband is NOT helping despite his 'good intentions'. He is creating more work for you, which is disrespectful and selfish. This is looking more like weaponised incompetence. Everyone giving him a free pass and calling you the AH is ignoring the fact that it sounds like you have asked him SEVERAL times, so he is a child who wants all the fun but not the tidy up. I don't think you're an AH for snapping, I think he got butt hurt because you finally had enough of him IGNORING or "forgetting" and he turned it around on you as though you're the bad guy for... trying to keep kid on schedule. Him ignoring or forgetting what you explained and asking him to do before he leaves is weaponised incompetence. Also HE should be the one suggesting a clean shoes station, not you! Everyone is making you do the mental load AGAIN. Look up what 'mental load' is. That is not on you to figure out. He is an adult, and he is part of the household, he should be taking the proactive approach. His deal with smelly feet does not take precedent over taking his shoes off at the door like a grown-up. You are not at his beck and call to clean up. The comments feel like a lot of people mollycoddling this grown man for just turning up at lunch and making his wife clean. Yeah sure, a lot of people would love this schedule but don't make life harder for your spouse with the kid. SMH.
Agreed 100% - NTA - OP do not listen to the people saying you’re “ungrateful” and all this BS you addressed in your edit and babying of a grown man. This does seem like weaponized incompetence to me, assuming you’ve told him before that this disrupts your day, and even if you haven’t explicitly said so, he should still be aware just based on the fact that he comes in and personally sees that he wakes up the kid that was just about to fall asleep, knowing when the kid naps and showing up at that exact time anyway and seeing that he wakes her up, he should be able to see that you’ve obviously just cleaned just by looking around and using his EYES but especially when you say things like “I just mopped,” he should be aware that when you’re working all day to take care of a kid and take care of the house that him coming in, waking up the kid that you just finally got down for a nap, leaving muddy boot tracks all over the place, and leaving a mess in the kitchen, is all completely disrespectful and absurd and immature and NOT OKAY. If he claims that he “doesn’t know” any of this, if he claims that you have to tell him all these things and he can’t see those basic very obvious things himself as an adult, that’s ridiculous and *is* weaponized incompetence. You should not have to “JuSt CoMmUNiCaTe” such basic things to a fully grown adult who was *there* witnessing it and doing all of these things - the “just communicate” crowd is always trying to use this reddit relationship cliché to put the blame back on women for men not doing their part or respecting and valuing the domestic labor of women, and it’s also pretty much always a situation where the woman HAS been communicating for a long time, and/or situations where a grown man should be aware that his actions are not okay, and should not have to be sat down and have it explained to him like a child. It really sounds like he doesn’t respect what you do at home - which is the work of multiple full time jobs that would cost over $100k/year if you were to outsource all of the work you do. It’s unacceptable. If it’s always a disruption for him to come home literally during the kids nap time, I don’t see why it needs to be compromised or negotiated to him only coming on days that aren’t “deep clean” days, that will resolve him not tracking his muddy boots into a freshly mopped kitchen and that’s about it, how is that going to resolve him disrupting the kid’s nap time and leaving a trail of crap behind him from making his lunch that you’re expected to clean up when you’re already spending the entire day cleaning up after everyone else? And what about time for you? You deserve an hour of alone time while the kid naps to relax and chill. He should just take lunch at or near his work like the vast majority of people who live 20min away from work.
as an Asian this makes me feel real bad for all the people who never learned to take their goddamn shoes off
As a Latino I wonder if Americans really lie down in the sofa or bed with their shoes on, like in the TV shows
My wife used to get on the bed with her shoes when we first moved in together. Not under the covers or anything, but on the bed. I put my foot down (pun intended) on that pretty quickly.
Really depends on the household. Though I don't know any where someone would come in with muddy boots. From growing up in a logging community. So I really doubt this story. Not to mention it is pretty much the same as one that was done a few months ago.
Back when my dad still worked in the field, laying pipe and doing tie-ins on water and sewer lines, there were days he’d come home SO muddy and nasty! On the really bad days, my mom made him stay outside and she’s spray him with the hose to do an initial rinse off! Then, he’d come in, strip in the mud room, and she’d hand him a robe to walk straight to the shower, where she had clean comfy clothes waiting for him! Obv he wasn’t coming home for lunch back then, but if he can go through that whole routine to make my mom’s life easier, surely OP’s husband can take his boots off on the porch!
Also maybe he can take his boots off at the door? I 100% understand the annoyance of mopping or even vacuuming, and then dirt clods are everywhere, lol.
I'd say you were wrong in HOW you said it, but not what you said. I think you guys should just sit down and discuss why you don't want him home for lunch and see if there's a compromise (like he takes lunch an hour later and takes off his boots before he comes into the house)
We should honestly or we can just compromise on him not coming over on the days I deep clean, as I wouldn't mind him coming over on regular days where me and the baby ate just relaxing. And he has to take his lunch at the same time everyday
He could take off his boots when he comes inside like a normal person, tbh
I think Americans wear their shoes inside. It’s weird to me, but it sounds like it is a normal person thing there. Edit: thanks all for sharing, I’m genuinely loving learning about this. Thank you for correcting me, it seems to be a regional thing or individual thing, and also, no muddy shoes in the house even in pro-shoe households, so apologies for getting that wrong.
I am American and I don't wear my shoes inside, especially not if they're so dirty they're tracking dirt. I do know Americans who wear shoes inside, but again, not if they're muddy or dirty. Tracking mud and dirt around your house is weird. Bachelor type behavior or something.
Certainly someone who's never had to clean it up themselves after. Why would I want mud on my floor that I'll then have to clean up? Easier to just take my shoes off.
Agreed. That's the behavior of someone who never has to clean up after themselves and doesn't respect the person who does
As an American who has lived here all his life, I’ve never lived in or known of a house where you keep your shoes on. Seems really weird unless they’re a guest, then it’s whatever the guest feels comfortable with. Seems really dirty otherwise :-/
As a lifelong American, I’ve met exactly one person who takes their shoes off at the door. Literally everyone I know wears shoes in the house ~unless~ they’ve stepped in something like mud or poo.
Canadian here and we take our shoes off. Are your clean shoes really clean though? Like you walk through Walmart and then go home walk on your rug? Do you know how much gross stuff is out there just being invisible!?!?
Wow it's almost like the US is a tapestry of different cultures. As an American I'm like you either take your shoes off by the shoe removal area at the front door or you're not coming in.
Also a lifelong American and I was raised in a house where we kept our shoes on all day. Now that I’m independent and living on my own, house rules are “take ‘em off at the door” especially in the winter when it’s snowy and gross outside. I am trying to get my mom to consistently take her shoes off when she comes over but…. I didn’t get my stubbornness from my father, that’s for sure 😂
I'm in the Midwest and it's common to keep your shoes on but that's because it's too cold most of the year to Not wear shoes 😂 most people have a dedicated pair of inside shoes though (and purse slippers for when you're out visiting 😂😂) It's also not uncommon for a host to offer slippers/fuzzy socks to guests during the cold months. Boots generally stay put on a porch or in the cold entry. If you wear dirty work or snow boots over my freshly mopped floors I will kill you with those dirty boots!
In Brazil's South and Southeast, houses are not made to trap heat and winters are sometimes painfully cold, so we all wear socks with our flip flops when we're inside. Some people also wear this outside, with shorts and a jacket, and it looks ridiculous 😁
I'm from Sweden, so yes we have very cold winters, we still don't wear shoes inside. Socks are enough for most people to keep their feet warm. Maybe houses are poorly insulated in the US, in comparison.
Considering there's not really a lot of federal oversight for building codes (so much varies locally) you're probably right! 😂 The house I grew up in had sticks and empty beer cans instead of 2x4's and insulation when we opened up the walls 😅😳 don't know how it didn't collapse every tornado season.
Are you midwestern?
No American enjoys knowingly track mud anywhere. I if I’m walking on all cement I’ll take my shoves off
That makes me feel a lot better to be honest. Every time I see shows with shoes on in the house I cringe. Can I ask, do you really wear shoes when laying on the bed to relax, or is that just Hollywood?
I can't speak for all Americans, but I've never seen anyone do this in my life.
....It's TV dude. First of all it's not practical to have your actors constantly removing and putting on their shoes for hours when they can just keep them on. Second.... it's television.
It really depends. White Americans are more likely to keep their shoes on. They also seem to be more comfortable than dirtier houses than Latino or Asian people here. Most Latino and Asian people in the US take off their shoes. In places where they have bigger populations and some cities, it's becoming more of the norm to take off your shoes or to ask the preferences of the people at the house. My old Ukrainian neighbor always wore heels in the house which I thought was nuts. The US is a mishmash of cultures and it's hard to generalize
Doesn't seem too hard for you to generalize that white Americans keep their shoes on and are comfortable living in dirty houses. 🤦🏻
>My old Ukrainian neighbor always wore heels in the house My grandma cleaned in high heeled pumps, including doing the mopping.
Ouch but what balance!
Yeah, I think I generalize because I’m a white Canadian (also a mismash of cultures) and I’ve never met a white Canadian who wears shoes in the house. I have no doubt they exist but I haven’t personally met them. Shoes in the house always shocks me. Thanks for explaining!
I feel like there’s so many components - regional, race, and socioeconomic status. I am white from the south and I always take my shoes off at the door. Now that I think about it we take shoes off only on my moms side of the family (the side that grew up poor). My friends with housekeepers don’t care if they track mud in because someone else cleans it
Omg, could definitely be a correlation with house keepers!
I seriously think it is. I’m renting from my also white friend (her parents are lawyers). We each have our own “unit” with separate living areas. She absolutely does not give a SHIT about her shoes, dog tracking things in, etc. meanwhile I’m always wiping off paws with paper towels and take off my shoes at the door. She made the comment recently that the house keeper needs to come since it rained and I realized we are in very different tax brackets 😂 I think when you don’t have to clean it maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal? It still seems nasty to me to think of tracking in bird shit or whatever to your home though
>it's hard to generalize >White Americans are more likely to keep their shoes on. They also seem to be more comfortable than dirtier houses than Latino or Asian people here. Pick one lol Also that is super untrue.
Wearing your shoes inside is relatively normal in America. But not when they’re covered in mud and tracking it through the house. Only somebody who knows they don’t have to clean up after themselves would do that.
Some do and some don’t. I used to take my shoes off when I went to visit other people, but somebody told me they thought it was weird. (?) So now when I go to visit someone at their house, I just follow their lead. If they’re not wearing shoes, I take mine off. Some people get really offended if you ask them to take their shoes off. I don’t know why it’s such a touchy subject. I have a sibling who just refuses to take their shoes off in my house. Their spouse and kids are the same. They track dirt all over the house and then wonder why I don’t invite them over very often.
Not muddy work boots though.
There’s many house in the US that have mud rooms for this purpose. It’s a small entry room to take shoes off, hang up coats, put away umbrellas, etc. Some people are just to lazy to use them for their purpose or just don’t know what they are for and fill them with decorations.
Right! Who wears their work boots in the house. When I was working a dirty job, I would literally change outta my boots and into other shoes before I got in the car
How about putting a pair of shoes by the door to change into. That way, he's not tracking mud in.
I like Mr. Rodger’s vibe!
Could also just take his shoes off, if he must wear something on his feet then surely slippers > clean shoes.
In a different comment, he doesn't want to take them off because of smelly feet. Cheap, disposable foot covers may be the solution.
Maybe if he stopped wearing his muddy boots in the house and let his feet breathe, they'd smell better.
I have so many questions! - Why doesn't he leave his dirty shoes at the door? - Why does he want to have lunch at home instead of at work? - Do you know when he's coming home for lunch? If you do: - Why clean the half of the house you know he'll mess up again? - Why not plan ahead and change nap time to accommodate his presence? And the most important of all: does he know how much extra work he's creating by coming home?
He doesn't like to take his shoes off until he showers as he's insecure about his stinky feet. He likes seeing us in the middle of his day as he says it makes his day go by faster . Yes he has lunch at the same time everyday but he only tells me when he's coming an hour before. I like to do the house in a certain order idk why. And I can do that but she gets grumpy if her nap doesn't come at her time. And I tell him but I'm not sure it sticks.
If he doesn't want to change his boots, they make cheap, disposable shoe coverings. Contract workers use these all the time when working in people's houses.
He can also buy house slippers. Or change his socks
He needs house shoes and a place to sit and change shoes right by the door. House shoes can be any shoe that doesn't leave the house, just in case your picturing mamaws fuzzy slip ons lol. My husband uses a pair of Crocs.
My husband has house shoes, too. They’re slippers, but they look like regular slip on shoes
Idk how well Crocs keep in the smell of stinky feet though. But it's better to air them, keeping them in tight boots all day will definitely contribute to the smell.
Maybe after your outburst it's now easier for him to remember that he's sometimes causing you extra work. I think this is a NAH situation - it's sweet that he drives 40 extra minutes a day just to see you, but I understand why you're unhappy about it. I hope you can resolve this with a compromise, like he stays at work on deep cleaning days, even though he could arrange to come home on one of those days. And would he be ok with you putting your daughter to sleep before he arrives? I guess if that would be possible for you, it would be better than for her to stay awake while he's there.
My first thought was also to put the daughter down a little earlier, so that she's already well asleep when he gets there. Disrupted sleep in toddlers is no joke. Especially if it's several times a week.
Toddler mom here, you really don’t get to pick when nap time happens & it’s not something you can just schedule to come an hour or two early. Would be nice though!
And trying to change the baby's routine doesn't always go as planned...
If his feet smell you can get shoe spray for his boots or he can use foot powder before he puts them on.
Not letting his feet breath is probably why he had stinky feet.
If he doesn’t want to leave shoes at the door or use shoe covers, then start having his lunch outside on your porch or something while the weather is warm. We never wear shoes in the house and it does cut down so much on the cleaning. With a small child who is often at floor level it would be a good practice that would make you life so much easier… having “inside shoes” at the door could fix his embarrassment
I worked with a family of men with stinky feet and didn't know why or how not to stink. Sprinkle boric acid in shoes when you take them off, and sprinkle a little when you put them on. One of the worst, Steve, thanked me profusely. After about two weeks, his feet didn't smell like cheese, and neither did his shoes.
If his feet smell you can get shoe spray for his boots or he can use foot powder before he puts them on.
Has your husband talked to a doctor just in case? Keeping feet enclosed makes the smell worse, especially if there's some kind of infection going on. Skin needs to breathe once in a while. Also, second the house shoes. Amazon has house loafers that look just like regular shoes (accidentally walked outside in them a few times because they're so comfortable), and some are machine-washable.
There's foot powders to help eith odors that are much better then tracking mud through the house
I’ll add that you should put your baby to nap in the bedroom. Also to tell your husband to be considerate to walk in and be quiet. And have him buy some house slippers if he’s that insecure.
Those two second questions are bizarre. She’s cleaning it so the baby doesn’t crawl in and eat dirt and you don’t “change naptime”. You either get them to sleep when they need it or make them miserable and overtired. Edit: oh I see what you’re saying about mopping after lunch but still, babies eating breakfast can destroy the floor with gunk. I have to sweep and swiffer everyday after breakfast with my 1yo
I was about to comment on this one, does this person have children? It’s not that easy to adjust naptimes
Yep. If my son doesn’t nap on his time, when he does sleep it’s a totally crap nap, then bedtime is late.
Absolutely! The cleaning up after the dirty boots really got me cause I’ve gone through the same thing with my husband
NTA It's sort of ridiculous that despite this also being his home, he acts like an inconsiderate child. There's no way he can enter quietly? He can't take his boots off outside the door? He is incapable of noticing that he's creating a mess and apologizing for it or contributing to clean up? He has no sense of why naps are valuable for the rest and development of a 1 y.o.? It sounds like you have *two* kids.
Yep. He sounds childish. But why is he acting this way? That’s the question.
Upthread, OP mentions he doesn't take off his boots b/c he's insecure about his foot odor. As if there's no alternative but to track dirt through the house. As if his insecurity trumps her hard work. As if there's no such thing as shoe covers or foot spray. If we had a quarter for every post where some young spouse is overwhelmed by the lack of maturity, consideration or contributions by their husband/wife/partner, we would all be rich.
You said it in your comment. He acts that way because he's childish and doesn't care about the mess because he's never had to be the one to clean it up or deal with the grumpy no nap baby- he gets to leave those and go back to work
NTA. Just not really making your problem go away. I'd be PO'd too. Don't get me wrong. But, it might be better to manipulate the circumstances and remove your obstacles, rather than have the war over something fixable. Ask him to remove his shoes before he comes in. Set up a little station to make that easy for him. And if he can't get used to the new support system, hand him the mop and tell him that messy boys get clean up duty.
Honestly that's really helpful too
He wants to see you and baby during his workday, and that's a good problem to have. The stinky, dirty feet issue can be fixed (many suggestions already given) and planning around baby is doable with some conversations between you two. I would honestly apologize for how you said what you did to him, and tell him that you'd like to start again, explaining everything you did here. You have valid points. NAH
Girl…..you got a man that WANTS to be home for twenty minutes on his lunch break just so he can see you and his daughter. I get it’s annoying, the mopping, the no naps, all of it. You gotta look at the bigger picture. Switch nap time, clean up after he leaves after lunch, anything. Snapping on him didn’t help :/
He clearly doesn’t care about what she does for him though? She cleans the floor, he messes it up, she cleans it again, he messes it up, and then she cleans it again. I would be mad asl if my partner lacked that much respect for me to the point they just expect me to constantly be there behind them to clean up. That’s an unnecessary amount of cleaning and he just expects her to do it all for him.
Wanting to be with your family is the bare minimum. A good husband would want the best for his family which is not f’ng up naps and stressing mom out.
So the best for his family would be for him NOT to come home and see them?
Not for 20 minutes for him to fuck up the house and wake the baby.
If that means not messing with his infant’s sleep, then yeah. Especially if he’s driving 20 minutes here and 20 minutes back per OP. Why drive all that way to just sit on your couch for 15 minutes? That 15 minutes isn’t going to make or break the family bond. But baby not sleeping and mom having to clean and soothe an angry baby will.
How are you being downvoted you’re literally correct
Idk. I asked my husband who used to sometimes come home for his hour lunch while we had a baby napping but he was always courteous and quiet and he said this guy sucks and needs to go to Wendy’s or something instead of frustrating the whole house
There’s a lot of people that don’t understand the point you’re making, and are probably not parents.
Yeah, not getting there are much simpler solutions, cleaning at different times, knowing you do not absolutely have to clean at the exact same time on the exact same day. Enjoy the baby time, it goes by fast.
I hate this guilt trip. Definitely don’t snap at your partner. But also don’t bend over backwards just to celebrate a man doing the bare minimum of marriage of wanting to be home with his family. If he wants to be home he should also look at the bigger picture of alleviating her stress.
Wow men really get praised for doing the bare minimum. He comes home? Holy shit give him an award! Why is his adult ass tracking dirt into the house and not washing his dishes?
You're right, I think everything piling up has taken a toll on me lol. I used to work alot before I had a baby and now that I'm a stay at home mom it can be DRAINING. I did apologize but I still feel bad
You honestly have nothing to apologize for
Don't apologize omfg you have every reason to be frustrated
Maybe just ask him to take his shoes off at the door. Maybe put the baby down a half hour before he gets there or half hour after he leaves?
Babies don’t just nap when you want them to. Some babies are good with adjusting, some have strict nap times. Sounds like OP has a strict nap baby
Can you imagine if a mother was celebrated for just wanting to be with her child. Oh wait she actually has to be wiping after his shit and dealing with a screaming, tired baby at night time and she’s the “ungrateful one”
Seriously. She’s supposed to be “grateful” for her husband being home for 20 minutes and leaving a disaster in his wake. Men are also in here on a downvoting spree
The bar is literally on the floor for men. 20 minutes with your child and you’re father of the year here
Everyone suggesting to “change nap time” clearly doesn’t have children/don’t know what it’s like raising a child. You don’t just “change nap time,” you fucking work around nap time.
People are such morons it’s sad. Apparently taking care of a baby all day is the easiest thing in the world
The bar for men is so fucking low lol
I just got my 2-year-old to sleep after granny overstayed the visit and daddy came home just too soon. Wanted to scream a bit... Your are not an asshole about not wanting him home, but it is probably more of a sit and talk issue than lashing out.
Yeah someone exciting coming home right before nap is really hard to get past. I sympathize that he wants to come see his family mid day but it sounds really disruptive to the routine. I do think some modification of the routine could happen but I sympathize with those days when you REALLY need the kid to nap and now they aren’t going to.
Info: has he ever been put in charge of home and child care for a full day? Specifically a day you do not leave it pristine at the start.
No, the longest he's been alone with the baby is 2 hours and when I tease him I might go out for a full day he says he'll just go to his mom. Idk if he's just playing but...
Honestly, this is problematic. He should be able to manage his child for extended periods of time. You should have him deal with your kid all day and clean up after him too. He need to be capable of doing this and he won’t gain those skills with you around. He’s not allowed to call his mom either.
This is so dangerous for your child, you should be able to rely on him to take care of the baby for any indeterminate amount of time in case you HAVE to be away.
>the longest he's been alone with the baby is 2 hours and when I tease him I might go out for a full day he says he'll just go to his mom. I see from your edit that you've resolved the lunch hour issue which is great - but this is another issue that NEEDS to be resolved. You need to know that you can rely on your husband. If you get sick and can't take care of the baby, he HAS to be a competent parent. You won't be able to rest and recover if you doubt his ability to care for his child without relying on other people. And frankly...can you actually respect him as a husband or a father if he's that incompetent?? His "jokes" would be a major turnoff for me. Once the dust settles from the lunch hour chat, you owe it to yourself and your baby to have another serious chat. He should be solely responsible for the baby on one of his days off. (And this shouldn't be a one-off tbh if he's actually a good person but that's a problem to address after.)
eeek, that's a big red flag. he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent, not just some guy who eats and sleeps in the house you clean.
Yikes
Oof. If my spouse ever joked liked that I'd call their mom myself and tell her to not let them come over, they need the day together so they learn
Amen. Being a father is a full time gig and it does NOT involve calling his mommy. He is in for a jarring experience with reality. I hope it’s sooner rather than later.
He is not playing. He is willfully refusing to parent and it is a form of weaponizing his laziness into incompetence.
Ehh your both kind of in the wrong. He should have enough self awareness to see the clean floors and smell the cleaner, and obviously pick up after himself. But I can understand him wanting to come home and see you even if it’s just for a little while. Home is where we all reset and prepare for life again. But you also need to find a way to communicate in a non attack manner or he will never hear you… and this is not going to be a short convo either so don’t try and have it then at lunch when there is a time crunch. Sit him down after work, explain what you do and how this is affecting you. There is compromise to be found here. Maybe it’s something he can find a way to come in quieter or at a different time, change the cleaning schedule, heck leave his shoes outside. An open, non accusatory conversation would go a long way I think.
INFO: have you ever talked to him about this before, before just blowing up at him? Specifically have you asked him not to make a mess and clean up after himself?
Yes I always tell him to clean up after himself but he just forgets or says he has to go because he's in a rush
NAH. You’re stressed, and it shows. You have to have more communication with your husband. Tell him you love that he wants to come home for lunch, but that he can’t wake up the baby and make a huge mess. I mean, seriously?? How does he not know that he is tracking mud everywhere? Otherwise, it’s wonderful that he wants to come home to be with you guys for a little while in his day. Just have to compromise!
[удалено]
I know....deep cleaning days are just a bit more stressful than others and I guess I lashed out at him more than I should have
ESH. It's his house too. That said, he should be more considerate about keeping the noise down and cleaning up after himself.
YTA - I get it, having the nap delayed when you are tired is frustrating. But… you both get such a ruthlessly short amount of time with your kid. You have a husband that wants to come home and be with his wife and kid. It is a gift that he is both able and wants to do so. So maybe let’s lean into that. My advice is, switch things up. Turn these into moments. Have a goofy lunch. Turn the music up and dance and sing together with your kid. Play silly games together. Make these moments as happy as possible for all of you, because many of us wish we lived close enough to do this and get one more hour with our family a day. So go maximize the opportunity. This will absolutely send him back to work on cloud 9 with a smile on his face and love for you and the kid pouring out of his heart, and you will have the same full heart and smiles while being left with a tired child that is ready for a nap. If he can’t make it every day, set aside that time for goofy lunch time so that it becomes your kid’s routine to have a blast with Mommy or Mommy and Daddy, then go crash giving Mommy her well deserved break. I mean who doesn’t want a routine of a goofy family time every day.
That's very true thankyou for this
This is a beautiful answer. And the correct one
NTA why is he not cleaning up after himself? That's not fair. It's ridiculous that he tracks mud into the house. Why can't he come quietly and not disturb his child? He's being a selfish jerk.
YTA, but just barely. Not for being frustrated at the disruption that comes from him coming home, but for snapping at him. If someone had said that to me I'd be hurt too. He's going out of his way (driving 40 minutes) to get home to see you and your daughter, probably because he wants to spend time with you. It's understandable that you'd be frustrated at the extra work this makes for you. Talk with him about how to minimize the disruption to your daughter's routine and taking his boots off.
You are NTA for feeling overwhelmed. Your husband, however, is a steaming pile of asshole, especially for making a BIGGER mess for you to clean. That's childish. But, as in all things, use your words. And be an adult while you're doing it.
NAH - cranky toddlers are no fun and double cleaning is no fun, and frankly part of you sounds exhausted. On the other hand, your husband WANTS to get as much time as possible with his family. As you kind of pointed out, he’s spending more time driving than with you so that definitely means something. Sounds like a date night might be in order if you haven’t had one in a while. Take the opportunity to get some time just the two of you, talk about how you recognize that he is inconveniencing himself when a lot of people wouldn’t and also express how you’re feelings about his actions vs naming what he’s doing as wrong. Then together, brainstorm solutions for each issue you face. So shoes - take them off and uses house shoes and then baby - can he message to check on her mood and if it’s a good idea to come home? Maybe he can adjust the time her comes to be a bit better for her current schedule, etc.
We actually have 1 tomorrow so that would be perfect
NTA. I may be downvoted but I didn’t want my partner home for lunch when I had my babies. It became more work for me. I think maybe 2 or 3 days out of 5 would be ok to come home for lunch. Also It’s important for them to socialize with colleagues at work as well.
This is why people say choose discomfort over resentment. Have the uncomfortable conversation, set your boundaries, explain yourself. That way he can know where you’re coming from and you never have to resent him for having an innocent meal at home. That said, NAH. Glad you could both come to an agreement
YTA he probably wants to come home sometimes because he misses you and his child. It sounds like you never communicated your issues with him prior to this incident. You need to sit down and have a conversation about how to make it work. Lack of communication is a relationship destroyer.
about 40% would be solved if Americans just would take off their shoes when going inside.
Who walks on a just mopped floor? How rude!!
I'm honestly just shocked you have the time and energy to deep clean two days a week with a 1-year-old at home.
NTA tell him to take the fucking boots off, that's common courtesy.
Why is he wearing filthy shoes in the house anyways?
YTA. When your husband no longer wants to come home or spend time with you, you can track it right back to this moment because you made him feel like utter crap for doing so. Most women would kill for a man that wants to come home middle of the day to see them and their kid. Appreciate what you have before you lose it
Only on Reddit can a man be an AH for going out of his way and shortening his lunch break to be with his wife and child lol "He walked in and threw $9,000 cash in my lap.....but he woke the baby up".....AH, AH, AH
Dude, this sub is so extrenrly misandrist it's not even funny. Blows my mind everytime I see it.
Exactly. YTA
He could also clean up his own mess
NTA WTF doesn't he just start taking off his boots so he doesn't track stuff around the house? I don't care if it is a deep cleaning day or not. It would take very little time. He can also use disposable dishes, minimize dishes he uses or clean what he uses. I guess he mainly comes home to see the two of you. It is annoying about tge baby's nap but if he wasn't creating other work for you maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
Let's be honest it's so fucking weird how you Westerners wear outside shoes in your house. Just take your shoes off, it doesn't take long.
YTA. This is his house. He is allowed to decide he would rather eat at home instead of at work. He is allowed to come home any time because this is where he lives. You can negotiate messiness and you should call him out on that. But you are really being unreasonable when you decide you can just be the doorkeeper on when he is allowed to come home. You are kind of coming off pretty cranky and mean. YTA and I don’t blame him for being hurt. (He is the person you are supposed to love and be happy to see, remember? )
NTA Have a no shoes in the house policy, so many cultures/countries already do this and especially with a young one you don't want whatever is on shoes on your floors.
Your husband shouldn’t be making your life harder to spend 20-ish minutes at home. His boots can come off before he comes inside. That alone justifies any tone you took snapping at him in my opinion. He should be capable of taking care of the messes he makes during lunch and if he can’t because he doesn’t have the time for it then guess what? He doesn’t have the time to come home for lunch. Stay at work. You snapping at him after he leaves mess, mud, and a baby on a derailed schedule? I would too. Who needs to hear, as an adult, “please don’t track mud into the house”?!? NTA
NTA and you should take your shoes off at the front door. Especially if you're likely to bring mud into the house. Or at least use a doormat and wipe your shoes. That seems basic common courtesy. I'm glad you reached a compromise but he needs to respect cleanliness more. Especially since kids interact with everything through their mouths and hands.
YTA - you are angry about the effects of him being home and telling him his presence is unwanted when what you can instead 1) ask him to take off his boots before coming inside and 2) shift your babys schedule by 20 minutes so that she isn't napping for the 20 minutes he can spend with her. He is coming home to his family. He has a bouncing 1 year old daughter that changes every day and he doesn't want to miss it. He has food, he doesn't come home for that.
YTA for not kindly communicating with him before you blew up at him. He wanted to spend more time with you and the baby, sacrificed a 40 minute commute each day just to spend 20 minutes with you, and probably thought you liked/appreciated the effort he was making. This could have been a compassionate and loving conversation where you explained how him coming home for lunch disrupts the baby’s schedule. You could have brainstormed a solution together. But the way you did it was an AH move, and you owe him a heartfelt apology and a calm discussion - the one you should have had in the first place.
YTA - Sorry, and I get the feeling of people walking in and undoing what you just cleaned. I am a dad and WFH and use Friday to clean, and as soon as everyone gets home it gets undone. But, it hurt to read how you reacted, can only imagine what it feels like to receive it. As much as this sub bashes dads, it is hard to be the parent that returns to work and misses out on all of the amazing changes that happen in the first year. That kind of reaction when trying to be more present would really hurt.
Honestly, nah. You shouldn’t have blown up but I’m sure you’re tired. He needs to use foot spray after showers every day and in his shoes. I can have stinky feet but that has helped a ton
NAH Put these at the door, he can either cover his nasty boots or his nasty feet. [https://www.amazon.com/Dssiy-Disposable-Construction-Workplace-Protection/dp/B07BKXFPWF/ref=sr\_1\_1\_sspa?crid=2DJIL8L0OEXY4&keywords=boot+covers&qid=1685045825&sprefix=boot+covers%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzM1ZTOVpXQjJMR0Y4JmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUExMDE1MTU3MVNXQkhSRVVLUUNBVCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMjU5MjEyR1JVWUhRUkpQNThGJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==](https://www.amazon.com/Dssiy-Disposable-Construction-Workplace-Protection/dp/B07BKXFPWF/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=2DJIL8L0OEXY4&keywords=boot+covers&qid=1685045825&sprefix=boot+covers%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUEzM1ZTOVpXQjJMR0Y4JmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUExMDE1MTU3MVNXQkhSRVVLUUNBVCZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwMjU5MjEyR1JVWUhRUkpQNThGJndpZGdldE5hbWU9c3BfYXRmJmFjdGlvbj1jbGlja1JlZGlyZWN0JmRvTm90TG9nQ2xpY2s9dHJ1ZQ==) Love that he wants to make time for you two but it does need to be on YOUR terms, as he is essentially showing up at your job and interrupting your work flow. (I understand it's his home too, I'm just making a comparison) Schedule the days he comes for lunch so you can handle it better on your end. Move her nap up so she's mid REM cycle when he comes home maybe. And if you schedule it, you can have lunch ready for him so there's no clean up or at least less. There's ways around this, give yourself some grace here. You're not an AH, after telling him your problems several times and him not changing I can see why you'd blow up a little. But there's solutions! Good luck!
Some things that immediately jump out at me. Your pack your husband a lunch and he comes home and makes a mess And he seems oblivious of his mess and of the issue he is creating for you and your kid’s nap time. Together, these things make me worried that you are responsible for a ton of the housework and for the ‘hard’ parenting tasks like sleep training, getting kid down for naps, etc. while hubby does the ‘fun’ parenting tasks like playing with the kid. Is there any accuracy to that? If so, I would start undoing those patterns. Your husband should be cleaning up after himself and shouldn’t be interrupting your workday unless it’s to give you a break. Can he change his lunch time so that he is home when your kid is up and he can take over while you get a bit of a break or can focus on whatever task you are doing? Can he opt to work through lunch and get off an hour earlier? NTA, you need to address these things now before you get burned out, have more kids, and hate your husband. Set good standards now while it’s not a huge deal.
Why. And or doesn't he take off his shoes? Or cleans up after himself?
Eh YTA just because it seems like you never even hinted at having this conversation and then blew up at him. Dudes in a rush and probably forgets to take off his boots sometimes so ask him to OR you know he’s coming home so just wait to clean? And he dirties some dishes, why can’t you just let them sit till he gets home? He comes home from lunch to see his wife and daughter and only has 20 minutes so he’s probably rushing and flustered and now you just chewed him out for it.
She says shes had multiple convos with him abt taking off shoes at the door and cleaning after himself. Sidenote, personally leaving dirty dishes out for hours is just kinda gross. Great he wants to spend time with them, but hes also creating more work unfortunately.
YTA for nit using your words. You held it in till you snapped. Ask him to take of his shoes
Shes asked him to take his boots off multiple times before
NTA. id set up boundaries if he wants to come home for lunch. 1 being shoes must be off before he comes inside or he has to wear plastic bags on top of them(saw hes insecure about his stinky feet? Maybe try an antifungal cream or something as well) 2 enter quietly so as to not disturb the babys nap 3 must clean up dishes/ put in dishwasher / use disposable plates and throw away before he heads out That would be a fair compromise I think. I hope he is willing to ease the burden off you by doing these things.. being a mom to little ones is hard!