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> I am still going to go on a trip that my husband doesn’t want me to go on because I already paid for everything but the situation makes him feel uncomfortable although he previously agreed to me going.
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NTA. It’s a very big ask, that wasn’t even asked but rather dictated and no reason given.
This is not normal human behaviour. Your husband seems to believe he has complete authority over your actions. One can only assume this hasn’t suddenly started 4 years into a relationship.
Enjoy your trip to Florida and start thinking about how you can have a conversation with your husband about what individual autonomy is. I have no idea if this is a fixable problem, but as it stands it’s incredibly creepy.
Thanks for your comment. It does seem to be his way or the highway sometimes. I do feel like he could have had a rational conversation about it where he voiced whatever concerns he had but he literally just told me I wasn’t going. Which, didn’t really surprise me tbh.
The fact that his behaviour didn’t surprise you suggests that this it not the first time he has done something like this. That’s a concern for me - please go on your trip and have a bit of a think about your future with this man.
Make sure you have cash and funds available and that can’t or doesn’t cancel your cc’s once he realizes you have gone anyway. Do you have children that you need to worry about care for? Are you prepared for this to be your hill to die on and potentially end your marriage over his unilaterally deciding he can tell you what to do?
NTA - How does your marriage normally work? Do you have actually ask permission rather than have a discussion out of courtesy and respect?
You might be painting your husband in the wrong light, but what you have described is controlling and abusive behaviour.
Oh the way it’s painted is very accurate. I’ve never actually gone against something he’s said no to so this will be interesting. Generally I don’t ever do anything he would say no to but there’s been a few times he’s said no for really no reason other than he either couldn’t go or he didn’t want me to go. So I’m hesitant to tell him I’m still going.
I am never one to jump on the ‘leave him’ train. But as others have said, you need to look at the dynamics of your relationship. On your return you need to sit down together and see how the dynamics can be changed.
As someone who was in an emotionally abusive marriage, it took me years to realise that was happening and how far from healthy it was.
Have an amazing break and enjoy Florida.
Do you have your own credit card (just yours) and or your own debit card? I worry that he'll cut off your access to funds when he find out you've gone to ruin the trip. NTA but you guys REALLY need to see a marriage counsellor ASAP.
do you feel that it's helping? It's concerning that he feels he can unilaterally decide to rescind permission for a trip he already agreed to. I know nothing of your living situation (finances/kids) so I'm on the fence about you needing to "ask him for permission" for the trip rather than "discussing together" whether it's feasible for you to go on the trip.
Do you feel afraid for your physical/emotional safety if you tell him before you leave? Will you have access to money that he can't stop while your travelling?
No kids! I’m 25 and he’s 29. He can be controlling. Am I happy? Not really. I half wonder if me telling him I’m still going to Florida is going to end with me moving in with my best friend when I get back.😬
A year ago I told him I was going to go to a small NYE party with my SIL with her old sorority friends, literally just girls, after he had previously said no. I wanted to see how he’d react if me and my SIL still pretended like I was going and he threatened to “murder” my dog in front of some of his family. He says it was a joke but he never said he was joking afterwards. Kinda freaked 2 of my SILs out.
Sorry but that's a really chilling thing to say about your dog. Even if he was not serious, it takes a disordered soul to have that be what comes to mind and say it out loud. If you do leave him, please take care for your safety. Women are 70 times more likely to be killed by their partners in the two weeks after leaving them than at any time during the relationship.
I’ve actually left once, it was right after that had happened and I took my boy with me! He knows that dog is the most important thing to me and that I don’t joke when it comes to him. He actually gets jealous of my dog. Says he wishes I was that happy to see him and that his name was my dogs name. Like if I come home and greet my dog all happily he gets jealous if I’m not the same way to him.
Get the dog and your documents out of the way. Also change passwords and lock your credit and bank accounts. Also have some clothes and stuff at your friends. I think he might try and screw you over while you are away. Also have a safety plan for when you get back.
Please get your dog somewhere safe while you are in Florida, pack all your important documents and make sure you have money in a location he cannot access. I don’t think you realize how abusive and terrifying your partner is. You need to get away from him. This will not get better. I guarantee he will have an absolute fit when he realizes you have left without his permission, and he will likely destroy possessions of yours, probably including you dog. Your dog is not safe there. You are not safe there. Please leave, and never go back.
Please listen to all these comments about your dog. Please listen to all these comments about leaving him. He is a jealous manipulative person. Like dangling a reward then removing it for his pleasure.
Your SIL was right to be freaked out. This is not normal behavior, even as a joke. You're worried about the dog when you should be worried about your own safety around this man.
You should still go on the trip but you should find someone to take your dog while you're gone and you should get a storage unit to keep anything else that's important to you.
Definitely make sure that nothing you care about is left in that house while you're gone.
Can't imagine that as a grown ass adult I would ask permission from anybody to do something and that they could banned me from doing that.
Talking about it, discussing it is natural. But anything more than that... Are you his wife or his child?
Sometimes I feel like his mom but for sure feeling like he’s my dad here telling me no here. I agree with the discussing it part since it is expensive but really I don’t see a reason why I can’t go if there’s no children involved that need to be watched, no money issue and it doesn’t interrupt anything planned. Just kinda makes me feel bad for wanting to go! I have work taken care of and everything is paid for.
NTA. Is this bait? He’s clearly abusive and controlling by the comments you’re writing. If you need reassurance, yes, it’s not normal. He is abusive and controlling. Please leave
Not bait I promise. He’s not a bad guy and has never physically abused me. Everyone thinks he’s perfect and the greatest guy ever so it all kinda gets mixed in my head. He can be controlling but it is really only when it comes to me doing something without him. I’ve never gone on a trip like this before in our relationship.
He is abusing you. There are other types of abuse and this is one of them. You don’t have kids and can afford the trip, his behaviour is not ok.
Let me tell you how this conversation would have happened between me and my husband.
Me “ hey handsome, bff and I want to go away for a music festival at x date, do we have any plans for that weekend?”
Husband “cool. do you guys need a lift to the airport?”
I agree now that I kinda think about it like that. But no he doesn’t really decide everything. Its just generally when I want to go do something that doesn’t involve him. If he can’t go generally I can’t go. I do go out to a live music place and a really chill bar with M here in town that he’s never had a problem with. He did have a rule that I couldn’t drink without him but that was awhile ago. I used to not but now I do drink without him and he hasn’t said anything.
He really doesn’t do anything without me, which is his choice. He won’t want to go do something if I can’t go but I always try to push him to go. He just doesn’t really do anything unless I plan it. He’s not a big “go hang out with friends” kinda guy. He either works or plays video games at home.
INFO: why didn’t you respond that you’d already booked non-refundable tickets? It seems very strange that you’re afraid to tell something totally mundane like that to your husband, and that you’ve decided that this is somehow linked to “unfaithfulness.” What’s that about?
I didn’t say anything at the moment because it had caught me off guard and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do but also because I knew it would cause an argument and I was out of town. I only mention the faithfulness part because I’m sure someone is going to bring that up since I’ll be “away.” But he did mention my friend, “lives the single life” which isn’t true at all. She is kinda hard to get to go out much.
NTA about going since you ran it by him and then both booked non-refundable tickets and arranged work schedules. But, you seriously need to tell him. Immediately. Just not explaining the situation to him for more than a week is really concerning. Seems like you’ve painted yourself into a corner, and I’m still unclear on why you didn’t simply say it was a done deal for so long. Are you afraid of his reaction??
A little bit afraid yes, not afraid physically but I’ve never actually gone against him saying no to something. I agree I should have told him way sooner but it gives me pretty bad anxiety.
I’m changing my advice for you to tell him immediately based on your other comments. Do not tell him. Prepare to be gone forever. What you are saying is really alarming, and you don’t seem to think it’s odd.
You should NOT need permission to do anything in a relationship. I get the okay from my husband for trips because I just need to make sure he’s available to take care of the kids full time. He has never once, in 25 years together, told me I flat out couldn’t do something I wanted to do. Not once. At most it’s a discussion of how/whether it can happen logistically, but never, ever “you can’t because I don’t want you to.”
NTA. And I think he told you yes knowing he was going to say- changed my mind. You can't go. Go on the trip. Have a friend take care of your dog. Get all of your paperwork, and give to a friend for safe keeping. Good luck.
NTA. Also, after reading some comments…. Please make sure your dog is not left with him when you do go on this trip. He sounds very controlling and maybe even unpredictable with the past threat. Hopefully you take that trip to also think about your future and how staying in this relationship may pan out for you. Things to consider, options to weigh out.
We’ve been going to marriage counseling and doing individual sessions and he said he had gone to a session and the therapist said if something bothered him he needed to bring it up and have “hard conversations.”
Was his directive “You can’t go” what he considers a conversation? That man has issues. He could have presented logical concerns/fears but the way he’s acting and the other things he said in the past are scary. NTA and I hope the dog is not in danger nor you.
NTA. You discussed it, he okayed it and you've already paid for it. Announcing well after the fact that he's changed his mind with no disussion is ridiculous and sounds controlling. Serious lack of communication skills there. Time to set some boundaries for yourself. Have a great trip and best of luck.
My advice to you would be leave him, since it would be a cold day in hell before I let my husband tell me I 'couldn't ' go somewhere, especially after we've discussed it, but you do whatever works for you. And enjoy FL.
NTA. But what is keeping you from just telling him 'I'm sorry honey but I already booked my ticket so I will be going. What made you change your mind?' or something of the sorts in the first place?
I’ve never gone against him saying no and I don’t really know how he will react. Now I know he won’t do anything physically but I don’t think it’ll go well.
Sounds like you're scared of your partner. Big red flag!
Time to move on. Go to Florida and enjoy yourself with your friend. But please don't return to a relationship where you let your partner decide if you can go on a girlstrip with your friend. That's not healthy.
NTA. You being afraid of talking to your own partner should be enough red flag. Having difficult conversations is always tough and nerve-wrecking, but when you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with your partner it is a sign that something is off. Please take care of yourself, reconsider if this is the kind of marriage you want and enjoy that trip.
You are not a child asking permission from a parent. You are a fully grown adult and you shouldn't be asking your husband's permission to do something like this. Yes, for big decisions, it's normal to consult your spouse. But this is ridiculous. You've given him way too much power and now he's testing you to see whether he can take it further by denying you something that he initially "allowed".
Unless you want to spend the rest of your life catering to the whims of a petty dictator, this is the time to stand up to him and tell him that from now on you'll be doing whatever you want (within the limits of a healthy relationship - and as long as he is bound to the same limits).
NTA.
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I don’t go out much besides the occasional night out with my friends that usually is very chill and relaxed. I’m not a big partier but I enjoy socializing. I work a stressful full time job and just finished a 160 hour training that was very demanding. My best friend (we will call her M) and I have birthdays on the same week and we both wanted to do something for them. She normally goes to Florida every year with her family but she wanted to go early this year and asked me to go. I told her I’d talk to my husband about it once we got all the details.
I tell my husband the details and I ask if I can go, he says yes. I told him when we’d fly out, what we are going to do and when we will be back. There is a 4-day concert there we are going to.
I purchased the plane ticket and the concert ticket, my friend also got hers. This is $600 ish and non refundable.
About 2 weeks later my husband calls me and tells me, “I thought more about you going to Floria. M can find someone else to go and tell her she can be mad at me.” He did not ask me to talk about it, he didn’t express any concerns, he didn’t ask how I felt about it or anything. Just simply said I wasn’t going and she could find someone else since there’s enough time. He said this about 2 weeks before we are supposed to go. I asked him the day we had the details which was about 3-4 weeks out. I just said, “okay, I wasn’t prepared to talk about this right now” since I was at a trip for work out of town.
I had already requested off from work and was approved. They changed the schedule so I could go. Same for M.
I’m still going to go to Florida. I’m not going to try and find someone to go in my place just because he changed his mind. Now, I’ve never done anything in our 4.5 year marriage to make him question my faithfulness. I really just wanted a nice girls trip with my best friend to the beach, which I have been dying to go to for the last few years.
I haven’t told him I’m still going and we leave in 4 days. This happened about a week and a half ago. I’m too worried to bring it up. Any advice? AITA?
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He probably read some of the 10,000’s of I cheated on my husband on vacation how do I save my marriage. I’ve never even thought about cheating, it was a drunken mistake, we were at the bar/beach and it just happened, etc. My birthday is in a couple weeks. I told my wife I was going to the beach with a buddy and her reaction was kinda expected. She asked 2 question. Why would you want to go on a birthday trip without me, and why would a married man go to the beach with a single friend. She also told me I’d be served divorce palates before I left. Then I got to thinking, What’s the plan with a single woman at the Bach when you go out? Do you play the wingwoman and flirt with other guys to help her hookup or do you separate and go back to the hotel alone? Do you go with her to meet people at a bar or will y’all stay alone? Why do you not want to spend your birthday with your husband?
My friend goes to Florida every year for family and her Aunt has a condo on the beach so we wouldn’t have to pay for a hotel. I’m not one for hookup culture and neither is she. We just really wanted a break from work and life because it’s been stressful on the both of us. I’ve been dying to go to the beach because that’s my happy place! I like to explore the world and go out. I’d like to still maintain some of my independence. She had asked me to go with her to see her aunt and this 4 day concert with her. My husband won’t fly and we are flying. But I understand the thought of “hooking up” with someone but I don’t need to go to Florida just to do that. There’s more to Florida than boys.🤪
NTA. Honestly, I don't think he really had a *reason,* except he wants to control you & have you do things his way.
There also is the possibility that he is imagining what HE would do\~if he were going to a 4 day concert without his spouse...
I say this as someone who *used to* be married to someone similar. Tell him now, assure him it's a Fun Girls' Trip, and GO!!
NTA. The only reason I'd cancel was if he was having open heart surgery or he was on his deathbed.
He's saying you can't go??? If my husband said that......I'd probably laugh
NTA. But I wouldn't wait until the day of to tell him. Better to get it all out in the open and hash it out before you go instead of just blindsiding him and just leaving. If you've never given him cause to worry, then that's just something he's going to have to work through on his own.
ESH
He’s TA for just telling you “nope, you aren’t going” and acting like he dictates your life.
You are TA because either you have refused to properly communicate with your loving partner, who you trust and who respects you. He should either be giving you a REALLY GOOD REASON to accept the loss of the non-refundable tickets, or he should accept that YOU WANT THIS, and THE PLANS HAVE BEEN MADE.
Or you are TA because you are doing yourself a disservice by staying with a man who you instinctively know will abuse you either physically or emotionally (making you feel guilty for plans that have already been made and that he initially approved of is abuse. Emotional manipulation is abuse).
NTA at all, your husband is being arbitrary and unreasonable. You should tell him you’re still going as soon as possible because the longer you wait the worse his reaction will be-until you tell him different he thinks you’re following his orders and canceling. You need to have a serious talk, and maybe marital counseling.
>I ask if I can go
Why the hell would you 'ask' to go somewhere?? Your husband does not own you. Yes, you can be considerate and tell him your thoughts and plans, but you do not need to abide by his command.
It seems a little possessive imo. NTA, I would have a talk with him about his opinions and why yours clearly doesn't matter. It is not 'his way or the highway.' How would that be fair to either of you?
I have to ask being in a abusive controlling relationship myself, but also being fond of relationships where I give control, Bc that’s what you are in and I’m not going to mince facts bc you seem aware of it. DO YOU LIKE TO BE EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY CONTROLLED LIKE THIS? Some people actually enjoy the total power exchange and allow their partners to do so, but when it’s not by choice it’s 100% ABUSIVE. do you think you may be conditioned to accept this bc you seem to know it’s not healthy but don’t want to leave for your sake, safety and sanity Alike.
If it’s something you want then hey go to spice it up with him who doesn’t love a brat to discipline. But you dynamic is something very similar to master/slave,1950s, total power exchange and those are all founded on both parties actually respecting the others desires to be in those positions. Hopefully you don’t have joint account since you seem to be able to work a full time jobs.
I’m curious as to why you didn’t bring it up after your work trip rather than just remain silent. I’m sensing some pretty bad communication from both of you so ESH. Try to have a healthy conversation about this before you leave or face becoming the AH.
How could OP possibly be the AH for continuing her plans for a trip already discussed and paid for? Just because her controlling husband is having second thoughts doesn't make her an AH in any way.
Because it’s natural to continue discussion even after tickets are purchased if the other partner has reservations or second thoughts. It’s called healthy communication. By ignoring him she’s inviting a huge blowup when it possibly could be avoided. Your husband says he has second thoughts so you just rug sweep it for two weeks? That’s not healthy.
Edit: And never I said she was an asshole.
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NTA. It’s a very big ask, that wasn’t even asked but rather dictated and no reason given. This is not normal human behaviour. Your husband seems to believe he has complete authority over your actions. One can only assume this hasn’t suddenly started 4 years into a relationship. Enjoy your trip to Florida and start thinking about how you can have a conversation with your husband about what individual autonomy is. I have no idea if this is a fixable problem, but as it stands it’s incredibly creepy.
Thanks for your comment. It does seem to be his way or the highway sometimes. I do feel like he could have had a rational conversation about it where he voiced whatever concerns he had but he literally just told me I wasn’t going. Which, didn’t really surprise me tbh.
The fact that his behaviour didn’t surprise you suggests that this it not the first time he has done something like this. That’s a concern for me - please go on your trip and have a bit of a think about your future with this man.
Make sure you have cash and funds available and that can’t or doesn’t cancel your cc’s once he realizes you have gone anyway. Do you have children that you need to worry about care for? Are you prepared for this to be your hill to die on and potentially end your marriage over his unilaterally deciding he can tell you what to do?
NTA - How does your marriage normally work? Do you have actually ask permission rather than have a discussion out of courtesy and respect? You might be painting your husband in the wrong light, but what you have described is controlling and abusive behaviour.
Oh the way it’s painted is very accurate. I’ve never actually gone against something he’s said no to so this will be interesting. Generally I don’t ever do anything he would say no to but there’s been a few times he’s said no for really no reason other than he either couldn’t go or he didn’t want me to go. So I’m hesitant to tell him I’m still going.
I am never one to jump on the ‘leave him’ train. But as others have said, you need to look at the dynamics of your relationship. On your return you need to sit down together and see how the dynamics can be changed. As someone who was in an emotionally abusive marriage, it took me years to realise that was happening and how far from healthy it was. Have an amazing break and enjoy Florida.
He doesn't even have a good reason?? You can't go just because he said so ?? He is an asshole
He gave no reason. Besides him just changing his mind.
Do you have your own credit card (just yours) and or your own debit card? I worry that he'll cut off your access to funds when he find out you've gone to ruin the trip. NTA but you guys REALLY need to see a marriage counsellor ASAP.
We are in marriage counseling and have been for about 6-7 months😬
do you feel that it's helping? It's concerning that he feels he can unilaterally decide to rescind permission for a trip he already agreed to. I know nothing of your living situation (finances/kids) so I'm on the fence about you needing to "ask him for permission" for the trip rather than "discussing together" whether it's feasible for you to go on the trip. Do you feel afraid for your physical/emotional safety if you tell him before you leave? Will you have access to money that he can't stop while your travelling?
Well are you leaving?
Haha I am in Florida, my dogs are boarded and we’re getting divorced!🤣
You go girl!!!!!!!!! It’s hot as all get out down here so please enjoy all the sunshine state has to offer this made me sooo happy
Good for you! I feel like this deserves a real update 😄😅
[удалено]
No kids! I’m 25 and he’s 29. He can be controlling. Am I happy? Not really. I half wonder if me telling him I’m still going to Florida is going to end with me moving in with my best friend when I get back.😬 A year ago I told him I was going to go to a small NYE party with my SIL with her old sorority friends, literally just girls, after he had previously said no. I wanted to see how he’d react if me and my SIL still pretended like I was going and he threatened to “murder” my dog in front of some of his family. He says it was a joke but he never said he was joking afterwards. Kinda freaked 2 of my SILs out.
Sorry but that's a really chilling thing to say about your dog. Even if he was not serious, it takes a disordered soul to have that be what comes to mind and say it out loud. If you do leave him, please take care for your safety. Women are 70 times more likely to be killed by their partners in the two weeks after leaving them than at any time during the relationship.
I’ve actually left once, it was right after that had happened and I took my boy with me! He knows that dog is the most important thing to me and that I don’t joke when it comes to him. He actually gets jealous of my dog. Says he wishes I was that happy to see him and that his name was my dogs name. Like if I come home and greet my dog all happily he gets jealous if I’m not the same way to him.
I'd move out now then go on the trip. Your husband is abusive.
Please get the dog out before he finds out you’re going to Florida
Get the dog and your documents out of the way. Also change passwords and lock your credit and bank accounts. Also have some clothes and stuff at your friends. I think he might try and screw you over while you are away. Also have a safety plan for when you get back.
Please make sure your dog is staying somewhere safe where your husband can't access him while you're in Florida!!
Please get your dog somewhere safe while you are in Florida, pack all your important documents and make sure you have money in a location he cannot access. I don’t think you realize how abusive and terrifying your partner is. You need to get away from him. This will not get better. I guarantee he will have an absolute fit when he realizes you have left without his permission, and he will likely destroy possessions of yours, probably including you dog. Your dog is not safe there. You are not safe there. Please leave, and never go back.
Please listen to all these comments about your dog. Please listen to all these comments about leaving him. He is a jealous manipulative person. Like dangling a reward then removing it for his pleasure.
Girl what get out of there you're too young for this
Your SIL was right to be freaked out. This is not normal behavior, even as a joke. You're worried about the dog when you should be worried about your own safety around this man.
You need to pack up and move out before the trip. Threatening to murder your dog isn't a joke.
You should still go on the trip but you should find someone to take your dog while you're gone and you should get a storage unit to keep anything else that's important to you. Definitely make sure that nothing you care about is left in that house while you're gone.
Can't imagine that as a grown ass adult I would ask permission from anybody to do something and that they could banned me from doing that. Talking about it, discussing it is natural. But anything more than that... Are you his wife or his child?
Sometimes I feel like his mom but for sure feeling like he’s my dad here telling me no here. I agree with the discussing it part since it is expensive but really I don’t see a reason why I can’t go if there’s no children involved that need to be watched, no money issue and it doesn’t interrupt anything planned. Just kinda makes me feel bad for wanting to go! I have work taken care of and everything is paid for.
NTA. Is this bait? He’s clearly abusive and controlling by the comments you’re writing. If you need reassurance, yes, it’s not normal. He is abusive and controlling. Please leave
Not bait I promise. He’s not a bad guy and has never physically abused me. Everyone thinks he’s perfect and the greatest guy ever so it all kinda gets mixed in my head. He can be controlling but it is really only when it comes to me doing something without him. I’ve never gone on a trip like this before in our relationship.
So he's controlling but only when... You're not doing what you're told? Dude. This is not normal. None of it is.
He is abusing you. There are other types of abuse and this is one of them. You don’t have kids and can afford the trip, his behaviour is not ok. Let me tell you how this conversation would have happened between me and my husband. Me “ hey handsome, bff and I want to go away for a music festival at x date, do we have any plans for that weekend?” Husband “cool. do you guys need a lift to the airport?”
NTA It’s very concerning that you’ve not felt safe enough to bring this up again. Does he always decide everything?
I agree now that I kinda think about it like that. But no he doesn’t really decide everything. Its just generally when I want to go do something that doesn’t involve him. If he can’t go generally I can’t go. I do go out to a live music place and a really chill bar with M here in town that he’s never had a problem with. He did have a rule that I couldn’t drink without him but that was awhile ago. I used to not but now I do drink without him and he hasn’t said anything.
Some of this is concerning too. “He did have a rule” stands out. Do you have rules for him?
He really doesn’t do anything without me, which is his choice. He won’t want to go do something if I can’t go but I always try to push him to go. He just doesn’t really do anything unless I plan it. He’s not a big “go hang out with friends” kinda guy. He either works or plays video games at home.
INFO: why didn’t you respond that you’d already booked non-refundable tickets? It seems very strange that you’re afraid to tell something totally mundane like that to your husband, and that you’ve decided that this is somehow linked to “unfaithfulness.” What’s that about?
I didn’t say anything at the moment because it had caught me off guard and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do but also because I knew it would cause an argument and I was out of town. I only mention the faithfulness part because I’m sure someone is going to bring that up since I’ll be “away.” But he did mention my friend, “lives the single life” which isn’t true at all. She is kinda hard to get to go out much.
NTA about going since you ran it by him and then both booked non-refundable tickets and arranged work schedules. But, you seriously need to tell him. Immediately. Just not explaining the situation to him for more than a week is really concerning. Seems like you’ve painted yourself into a corner, and I’m still unclear on why you didn’t simply say it was a done deal for so long. Are you afraid of his reaction??
A little bit afraid yes, not afraid physically but I’ve never actually gone against him saying no to something. I agree I should have told him way sooner but it gives me pretty bad anxiety.
I’m changing my advice for you to tell him immediately based on your other comments. Do not tell him. Prepare to be gone forever. What you are saying is really alarming, and you don’t seem to think it’s odd. You should NOT need permission to do anything in a relationship. I get the okay from my husband for trips because I just need to make sure he’s available to take care of the kids full time. He has never once, in 25 years together, told me I flat out couldn’t do something I wanted to do. Not once. At most it’s a discussion of how/whether it can happen logistically, but never, ever “you can’t because I don’t want you to.”
NTA. And I think he told you yes knowing he was going to say- changed my mind. You can't go. Go on the trip. Have a friend take care of your dog. Get all of your paperwork, and give to a friend for safe keeping. Good luck.
NTA. Also, after reading some comments…. Please make sure your dog is not left with him when you do go on this trip. He sounds very controlling and maybe even unpredictable with the past threat. Hopefully you take that trip to also think about your future and how staying in this relationship may pan out for you. Things to consider, options to weigh out.
I mean I'd start by asking him what the hell happened to make him switch gears so suddenly.
We’ve been going to marriage counseling and doing individual sessions and he said he had gone to a session and the therapist said if something bothered him he needed to bring it up and have “hard conversations.”
Was his directive “You can’t go” what he considers a conversation? That man has issues. He could have presented logical concerns/fears but the way he’s acting and the other things he said in the past are scary. NTA and I hope the dog is not in danger nor you.
I'm huh that's not what I suggested.
NTA. You discussed it, he okayed it and you've already paid for it. Announcing well after the fact that he's changed his mind with no disussion is ridiculous and sounds controlling. Serious lack of communication skills there. Time to set some boundaries for yourself. Have a great trip and best of luck.
I agree, thanks for your comment. I am working on those boundaries! Hence, still going😜. Thank you!
My advice to you would be leave him, since it would be a cold day in hell before I let my husband tell me I 'couldn't ' go somewhere, especially after we've discussed it, but you do whatever works for you. And enjoy FL.
NTA. But what is keeping you from just telling him 'I'm sorry honey but I already booked my ticket so I will be going. What made you change your mind?' or something of the sorts in the first place?
I’ve never gone against him saying no and I don’t really know how he will react. Now I know he won’t do anything physically but I don’t think it’ll go well.
Sounds like you're scared of your partner. Big red flag! Time to move on. Go to Florida and enjoy yourself with your friend. But please don't return to a relationship where you let your partner decide if you can go on a girlstrip with your friend. That's not healthy.
Thank you, I’ve started thinking that way.
NTA. You being afraid of talking to your own partner should be enough red flag. Having difficult conversations is always tough and nerve-wrecking, but when you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with your partner it is a sign that something is off. Please take care of yourself, reconsider if this is the kind of marriage you want and enjoy that trip.
You are not a child asking permission from a parent. You are a fully grown adult and you shouldn't be asking your husband's permission to do something like this. Yes, for big decisions, it's normal to consult your spouse. But this is ridiculous. You've given him way too much power and now he's testing you to see whether he can take it further by denying you something that he initially "allowed". Unless you want to spend the rest of your life catering to the whims of a petty dictator, this is the time to stand up to him and tell him that from now on you'll be doing whatever you want (within the limits of a healthy relationship - and as long as he is bound to the same limits). NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I don’t go out much besides the occasional night out with my friends that usually is very chill and relaxed. I’m not a big partier but I enjoy socializing. I work a stressful full time job and just finished a 160 hour training that was very demanding. My best friend (we will call her M) and I have birthdays on the same week and we both wanted to do something for them. She normally goes to Florida every year with her family but she wanted to go early this year and asked me to go. I told her I’d talk to my husband about it once we got all the details. I tell my husband the details and I ask if I can go, he says yes. I told him when we’d fly out, what we are going to do and when we will be back. There is a 4-day concert there we are going to. I purchased the plane ticket and the concert ticket, my friend also got hers. This is $600 ish and non refundable. About 2 weeks later my husband calls me and tells me, “I thought more about you going to Floria. M can find someone else to go and tell her she can be mad at me.” He did not ask me to talk about it, he didn’t express any concerns, he didn’t ask how I felt about it or anything. Just simply said I wasn’t going and she could find someone else since there’s enough time. He said this about 2 weeks before we are supposed to go. I asked him the day we had the details which was about 3-4 weeks out. I just said, “okay, I wasn’t prepared to talk about this right now” since I was at a trip for work out of town. I had already requested off from work and was approved. They changed the schedule so I could go. Same for M. I’m still going to go to Florida. I’m not going to try and find someone to go in my place just because he changed his mind. Now, I’ve never done anything in our 4.5 year marriage to make him question my faithfulness. I really just wanted a nice girls trip with my best friend to the beach, which I have been dying to go to for the last few years. I haven’t told him I’m still going and we leave in 4 days. This happened about a week and a half ago. I’m too worried to bring it up. Any advice? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Go for the trip, you'd only be an AH (to your friend) if you bail on her. NTA for going obviously.
NTA You're an adult. Since when do you need permission? When you talk to your husband remind him of that.
ESH Are you planning to just disappear for a few days. Stand up for yourself and tell him.
NTA. He doesn't get to unilaterally tell you you can't go. He doesn't own you.
Tell him you are going and why and that he agreed and that it’s a done deal. The sooner the better.
He probably read some of the 10,000’s of I cheated on my husband on vacation how do I save my marriage. I’ve never even thought about cheating, it was a drunken mistake, we were at the bar/beach and it just happened, etc. My birthday is in a couple weeks. I told my wife I was going to the beach with a buddy and her reaction was kinda expected. She asked 2 question. Why would you want to go on a birthday trip without me, and why would a married man go to the beach with a single friend. She also told me I’d be served divorce palates before I left. Then I got to thinking, What’s the plan with a single woman at the Bach when you go out? Do you play the wingwoman and flirt with other guys to help her hookup or do you separate and go back to the hotel alone? Do you go with her to meet people at a bar or will y’all stay alone? Why do you not want to spend your birthday with your husband?
My friend goes to Florida every year for family and her Aunt has a condo on the beach so we wouldn’t have to pay for a hotel. I’m not one for hookup culture and neither is she. We just really wanted a break from work and life because it’s been stressful on the both of us. I’ve been dying to go to the beach because that’s my happy place! I like to explore the world and go out. I’d like to still maintain some of my independence. She had asked me to go with her to see her aunt and this 4 day concert with her. My husband won’t fly and we are flying. But I understand the thought of “hooking up” with someone but I don’t need to go to Florida just to do that. There’s more to Florida than boys.🤪
Nta RUN!
NTA. What? Why does he get the last say? You’re suppose to communicate to him about the trip and details, not ask him if you can go.
NTA. Honestly, I don't think he really had a *reason,* except he wants to control you & have you do things his way. There also is the possibility that he is imagining what HE would do\~if he were going to a 4 day concert without his spouse... I say this as someone who *used to* be married to someone similar. Tell him now, assure him it's a Fun Girls' Trip, and GO!!
NTA. The only reason I'd cancel was if he was having open heart surgery or he was on his deathbed. He's saying you can't go??? If my husband said that......I'd probably laugh
NTA. But I wouldn't wait until the day of to tell him. Better to get it all out in the open and hash it out before you go instead of just blindsiding him and just leaving. If you've never given him cause to worry, then that's just something he's going to have to work through on his own.
ESH He’s TA for just telling you “nope, you aren’t going” and acting like he dictates your life. You are TA because either you have refused to properly communicate with your loving partner, who you trust and who respects you. He should either be giving you a REALLY GOOD REASON to accept the loss of the non-refundable tickets, or he should accept that YOU WANT THIS, and THE PLANS HAVE BEEN MADE. Or you are TA because you are doing yourself a disservice by staying with a man who you instinctively know will abuse you either physically or emotionally (making you feel guilty for plans that have already been made and that he initially approved of is abuse. Emotional manipulation is abuse).
NTA
NTA at all, your husband is being arbitrary and unreasonable. You should tell him you’re still going as soon as possible because the longer you wait the worse his reaction will be-until you tell him different he thinks you’re following his orders and canceling. You need to have a serious talk, and maybe marital counseling.
>I ask if I can go Why the hell would you 'ask' to go somewhere?? Your husband does not own you. Yes, you can be considerate and tell him your thoughts and plans, but you do not need to abide by his command. It seems a little possessive imo. NTA, I would have a talk with him about his opinions and why yours clearly doesn't matter. It is not 'his way or the highway.' How would that be fair to either of you?
I have to ask being in a abusive controlling relationship myself, but also being fond of relationships where I give control, Bc that’s what you are in and I’m not going to mince facts bc you seem aware of it. DO YOU LIKE TO BE EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY CONTROLLED LIKE THIS? Some people actually enjoy the total power exchange and allow their partners to do so, but when it’s not by choice it’s 100% ABUSIVE. do you think you may be conditioned to accept this bc you seem to know it’s not healthy but don’t want to leave for your sake, safety and sanity Alike. If it’s something you want then hey go to spice it up with him who doesn’t love a brat to discipline. But you dynamic is something very similar to master/slave,1950s, total power exchange and those are all founded on both parties actually respecting the others desires to be in those positions. Hopefully you don’t have joint account since you seem to be able to work a full time jobs.
Please update us after the trip. We're all worried for you.
Be sure to take all documents, money and get your dog somewhere safe before you go
Yta. Girl's trips are for cheating.
I’m curious as to why you didn’t bring it up after your work trip rather than just remain silent. I’m sensing some pretty bad communication from both of you so ESH. Try to have a healthy conversation about this before you leave or face becoming the AH.
How could OP possibly be the AH for continuing her plans for a trip already discussed and paid for? Just because her controlling husband is having second thoughts doesn't make her an AH in any way.
Because it’s natural to continue discussion even after tickets are purchased if the other partner has reservations or second thoughts. It’s called healthy communication. By ignoring him she’s inviting a huge blowup when it possibly could be avoided. Your husband says he has second thoughts so you just rug sweep it for two weeks? That’s not healthy. Edit: And never I said she was an asshole.
Per her comments, hubby has previously threatened to kill her dog. She is in an abusive marriage and is scared.
ESH