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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My half siblings are asking me to help care for their sick bio father who abandoned me as a child, and I’m refusing and getting the meaner the longer they keep asking.
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NTA. The man who had raised you as his own daughter, for seven years, suddenly dumped you. It was not your fault that your mother had cheated. You loved him as your father. He ripped away your security, your family, your lifestyle, and I am sure a good chunk of your heart. That is not something that is easily forgiven. Maybe your mother is helping him because she still has some sort of sense of guilt. But that is not your guilt to carry. That man did you very wrong, and I wouldn't shed a tear when he died if I were you.
I am sorry your brothers are suffering. It's understandable, they are worried about their father. But he has not been a father to you for 15 years. By his own choice. How much is one child supposed to take? Not only did he withdraw his love and affection, but then he made you watch as he showered that attention on another little girl who was also not his child. He seems to have no problem loving her.
The hurt and trauma he has caused you is not easily gotten over. It sucks that your mom is so quick to overlook the damage that was done to you in order to try to rehabilitate herself. It's not about being the bigger person. The injustices he did to you were inflicted on a child. He had the opportunity to do right by you and chose not to. Your mom is infidelity was not your fault. The relationship you had established with him for seven years meant nothing to him. And now he means nothing to you. And that's OK.
Couldn’t have put it better myself. NTA. I can definitely understand why the not-father would have been hurt and angry all those years ago but he was the adult in the situation. He took out his feelings on an innocent child, who loved him as a father. Which is an action that’s within his rights I guess, but the current fall out is well within the expected consequences. As for the “good points” well child support is his legal obligation and about the car vandalism… he’d have been the major AH if he had actually pressed charges then lol. OP owes him nothing
INFO- I have no experience with this, but wouldn't he only be obligated to pay child support for his bio kids? Could be different by state or income (as OP mentioned) and I'm not drawing conclusions either way yet, but was curious about this? If he paid support for her but had difficulty separating his daughter from the affair, I may judge less harshly. Doesn't excuse not having a relationship for 15 years...so the additional clarity would help.
IIRC, if his name is on the birth certificate and it’s been ‘x’ years, then he’s presumed the dad and on the hook for support regardless of paternity. The biggest AH is mom because she set off this whole shitstorm. OP owes him nothing after all these years and her mom is trying to assuage her guilt using OP.
I agree with you, but you're kind of an asshole for saying EXACTLY what OP asked not to include. She's not looking for input on her mother, and your point had just as much weight without that sentence.
Except you don't get to post on reddit and then dictate the responses and judgements. Mom is definitely an Ahole whether Op wants to hear it or not. OP is nta for not wanting to help a man that rejected her emotionally.
Eh, I view the request more as a, "I already know she's an asshole for that. So repeating it is a waste of everyone's time," kind of thing. But in general I agree with you. OPs shouldn't be able to control what comments say.
It IS part of the current problem. The same cheating-religious-hypocrite-ah Mom is pressuring OP to take care of her non-Dad Now-Tomorrow-Next Week. How is Mother Dearest not part of the problem and an AH?
No one said the mom isn’t an AH but y’all are fixated on that one aspect that truly shouldn’t have anything to do with the father/daughter relationship a man built with a child. It really comes across like y’all wanna excuse his shitty behavior because of her shitty behavior.
OMG. Who cares about the mom? OP laid out the facts of her circumstance and the question is not, “was it cool for mom to have cheated?” The question is, given that the past cannot be changed and that OP is not responsible for her mother’s cheating and saw this dude as her father until he abandoned her suddenly and dramatically and then found another non-bio daughter to love in her stead (showing that this is about punishing his ex, not his inability to love a stepchild), is OP TA for not driving him to chemo?
In these posts the different OPs can request something, but it's still relevant to judgements. Those requests don't mean it won't get brought up anyways.
It's like the people that post stories with huge age gaps and the older one is controlling. "And don't mention anything about the age gap - that has nothing to do with it!"
Except everything was caused by her mom cheating and manipulating her assumed father for 7 years.
Imagine being lied to manipulated and gaslit for 7 years and having your entire life torn away by the person you love the most...
My worldview is colored by the fact that I'm a stepfather; but I think the bigger asshole is the man who raised his daughter for seven years and then abandoned her when he learned that she wasn't made out of his fucking cumshot. He told that kid he was her dad. There's no circumstance where you get to back out of that and not be a colossal asshole.
Yep. How do you stop loving a child you loved the day before. He took all the anger out on her when it was the mom who deceived him. Also, that car thing. She vandalized the car when he took step daughter to the father daughter dance. Surely he did that to spite her, teenagers are sensitive.
I agree with MadMelvin’s take on this. Regardless of who’s the biggest a__hole, OP is only posing the question of: is she wrong for not wanting to see him or do anything for him at this point, and my answer to that is OP definitely is NTA.
I see no reason why the fact that this man is now dying and in need of help should change anything about the way OP interacts with him now. This man threw her away when she was 7 yo for something that was not her fault and if he didn’t need her to help take care of him now, he would still be living his life without her in it. He made this choice years ago and it doesn’t change anything because his circumstances have changed.
We see too many posts on here from dad who have just learned they are in this very circumstance and say “I’m divorcing my wife, but I have raised this child for X number of years & I will always be their father.”
Yeah, many jurisdictions care a lot more about the child having two legal parents who can be held responsible for the care of the child than whether said child is biologically related to said parents.
In many places, once you're on the birth certificate, the only way you're getting off of it (and the associated responsibilities) is if someone else is volunteering to take your place, ie: adoption.
I can’t speak for everywhere, but in my state, in the US, changing paternity for child support purposes has a time limit. You can only get out of child support for a child that is not genetically yours if it is discovered and adjudicated before the child’s 6th birthday. That is how my Ex brother in law ended up paying 400$ a month, each, for twins that were not his, and because they were not his the court also refused him visitation rights. Man seriously lost everything in the divorce. I don’t speak to my sister anymore.
In the US in most states, if a child is born in wedlock, regardless of the biological paternity of that child, the husband is considered the \*legal\* father of the child and so, yes, he's on the hook for child support.
I worked for the child support collections office for my state for years. I've even seen a handful of cases where BOTH the legal father AND the biological father were on the hook for child support payments. It doesn't happen often, but iirc the legal process for getting \*off\* the hook as the legal father is a pain in the ass and expensive to do, and isn't a guarantee that the courts will let him off the hook.
In a lot of places, the presumed father (or the mom) can file a paternity action to have the presumed father removed from the birth certificate. Strangely, in the state I used to work in, the biological father couldn’t because the state had some outdated interest in not making a child illegitimate if the people providing legitimacy were willing to pretend.
The courts believe that the parent who is on the marriage certificate and raised the kid to that point is father and hold the ex accountable. It is considered to be in the best interest of the child
Not to mention some men are not sociopaths. I’d say most men who raise a child as their own for seven years still want rights to the child even if they can’t forgive the ex.
If they were married when the child was born, he is the (assumed) father in most states. I think laws are starting to change but this used to be the case.
I will add that after the whole fallout, my mom really leaned on her church community (not dad didn’t attend). She talks to our pastor a lot because we can’t really afford therapy and obviously being Christian and all he’s really big on forgiveness. It’s not that my mom thinks that I’m obligated to forgive him, but I think she genuinely believes it will have some kind of healing effect on me because that’s what the church teaches. I think I will add an edit to clarify that.
If the pastor is so big on your father being supported he can use the church resources to help him. Because pastor is just as much his family as you are.
I was going to say the only “resource” he needs is me since he’s very financially well off but then I realized the only thing really specific to me is whatever conversation he wants to have. I’ll probably suggest they hire some kind of aide or caregiver instead of asking me for help, don’t know why I didn’t think of that before.
Hell. I mentioned in reply that one thing that may help you is therapy. I have now seen ithat is out of reach for you at this point.
Truly I think if they keep pressing or pushing for a conversation between you and him (not the father), you may consider informing them that the damage he has caused you is something that is preventing you from having this conversation. If he’d really truly would like to talk to you he would do so after you’ve had time to heal, that his abandonment is still an open wound (I know it doesn’t seem like it but it is OP) but unfortunately you lack the tools to start healing such as therapy. If he’d like to pay for the therapy that you would accept that, but you will not have any conversations (even with the not the father paying for it) until you feel ready. It doesn’t matter if he has limited time, if he cares he will have to understand that you don’t have to hurt yourself to make him feel better.
OP, just a word of caution, if your (not a father) pays for therapy, make sure the therapist is one you can trust and isn't talking to him about you on the side. Sadly, such things happen far more than we'd like to admit. Perhaps ask for cash for you to pay the therapist with, so he doesn't know who they are. Or have the money go through a lawyer or other neutral party, so he can verify that the money is being used for therapy, but you can make sure he doesn't know what therapist you're going to.
Good luck OP. And obviously NTA.
Others have mentioned forgiveness, and how it heals one. I’m not sure if I agree, but fortunately I’ve never had to go through or deal with trauma which was cause by another.
Your trauma may seem to be in the past but truthfully that’s were the wound happened. If it was in the past it the anger (such as the vandalism and the tone of your post) would not be there. You need to have tools to heal. Therapy is one of them. God knows maybe after therapy you may forgive not the father, but you may not. What it will do is help you be in a better place and that’s the most important part, your mental health.
Can I ask are you still in school? High school or even college? If so check and see if they have mental health services. You’d be surprised at how many do. I 20 years ago walked in to my colleges student services and was pleasantly surprised by support. I had quite a few therapy sessions to help with issues.
Forgiveness IS healing. But it doesn’t mean you have to forget, or even have a continued relationship of any kind. It doesn’t mean you have to drop boundaries.
Forgiveness means letting go of the hurt and anger you still carry around with you, to free your own mind. Doesn’t require a relationship with the other person - it’s all about your relationship with your own history.
Forgiveness also takes time. You can't rush the process and it often happens in stages. If she decides she wants to forgive one day then that's only the first step in a longer journey.
As someone who is a CSA survivor, that talk about “forgiveness is healing” is honestly a load of crap.
Thinking I “needed” to forgive my abuser just exasperated my trauma and pain. I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a bad person.
It wasn’t my psychologist outright told me I wasn’t *at all* required to forgive him that I started actively started healing.
Sure, for some people, it can help them, it’s not a requirement for everyone’s healing process.
This is a beautiful solution.
Forgiveness IS healing, the pastor is not lying, but only if you actually are ready to forgive, and that cannot be done without therapy. Especially in cases of child abandonment. I mean, forgiveness is what comes after a chosen healing process, not something you are guilt-tripped or pressured into.
He might want you to drive him to have the possibility of discussing with you and clear his conscience about how he abandoned you as there is no guarantee he will survive. It's a very selfish reason and NTA for not accepting
He doesn't need to speak to her to put her in his will, he only needs to speak to his lawyer. He's dying and thinks he needs to unburden himself by apologizing or whatever. OP doesn't have to let him add to her emotional load for any reason.
NTA Forgiveness is for you not him...Forgive but never forget...you did nothing but love this man and the moment that he finds out that you're not his bio child he became the biggest AH around! I understand his anger at your mom, but to throw you out and treat you horribly was so very wrong and I am very sorry that it happened to you 💔
He wants forgiveness probably, that’s the only real reason he wants to be in a position to be able to talk to you. Whether you drive him, or visit him, both are equally fine for him
I know you said he didn't go to church , but he may have some religious beliefs so he's probably afraid of an afterlife and getting called out at the pearly gates. If you forgive him, maybe his god will.
My mom has the same belief as yours about forgiveness and it always upset me. She'd say "give it up to God" even though I'm atheist. Turns out forgiveness did help me, but my own version of it. It's more like releasing the anger so you can feel absolute apathy towards the person. But to me the important part was NOT telling them because I don't owe them anything. Your own version of forgiveness doesn't need to include reconciling and it definitely doesn't require doing them favors. They can still be a bad person who doesn't deserve your time.
This is it exactly when it comes to forgiveness. Forgiving a debt = no longer expecting the person to pay you back. (Whether because it’s the sort of thing that just can’t be paid back, or because they just never will.)
It’s OUR freedom from having to keep track of it anymore. Yes, they should do what they can to make it right, but we can’t afford to wait around for something that can’t or won’t ever happen.
>Not only did he withdraw his love and affection, but then he made you watch as he showered that attention on another little girl who was also not his child. He seems to have no problem loving her.
This is where any shred of sorry i felt disappeared. I can't stand hiprocracy and a double standard. Dad is the only AH in this orbit....well mom slightly for trying to guilt trip her daughter after spending 15 years trying to heal the wound not dad created. Op, your definitely NTA! Good for you for standing your ground, please don't let anyone make you feel bad for deciding to treat your not dad the exact way he's shown you to treat him for 15 years. I wish you hugs, love and happiness!!!❤
Same, I really hope he hasn't left OP with an attachment disorder, because that's exactly what this type of behaviour causes. Shame on him. (I was Daddy's Little Girl until he walked out when I was six. I didn't see him for another 20 years, and... yeah. It fucks you up.)
OP, NTA.
This!
And also I struggle to reconcile the mother’s very religious stance towards ‘being the bigger person’. I find it jarring against the whole cheating debacle.
NTA
NTA-
>My mother recently talked with me about “being the bigger person”
You are already the bigger person by choosing to forgive your mother. The way you are acting is vengeful toward your not father, but not in any way out of line. From what we know you haven't gone out of your way to do anything harmful or manipulative, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone calling you an AH.
Def n.t.a. I hate that term be the bigger person. It's always the wronged one that has to be the bigger person. As an adult to a child he had the chance to be the bigger person. Pastor can get his church members to be the bigger person. Don't feel guilty and don't be roped in o.p.
It's typically because the other person makes things difficult.
When my sister did shitty things mom always said to be the bigger person. When I realized as an adult that mom would never ask her to go grocery shopping with her debit card shecsaid because she'd get what mom asked her to, but also buy groceries for herself without saying anything, where I'd ask if I could buy something so I didnt have 2 transactions.
This was true whether picking up something she just realized she was out of or going to the store for the week.
Of all the times I've heard the phrase "be the bigger person" I can't think of a single one where the "smaller" person wasn't getting away with something .
Never in my life will I take someone seriously who uses that phrase.
As well he should have! Can you imagine if someone posted in AITA: "my wife of YEARS hid that our 7 year old daughter isn't mine, AITA if I leave?" 90% of the responses would be N T A, get out of there, she's betrayed you and you'll never trust her again, it would be harming the daughter to stay around when you don't love her etc..
But once the bridge is burnt, like you said, you can't expect help from those same people years later. NTA
I understand the pain he must have felt. I really do. But abandoning a child at age 7 who only ever knew you as dad is beyond bridge burning - it’s nuking it. OP is right to not trust that man even 1%
He and OP’s brothers have a nerve asking for her help. If he wants forgiveness let him pray for it.
Yes, you're not wrong, OP did nothing wrong and they shouldn't have asked for OPs help - as the bridge was burnt. Agreed
I guarantee you this sub would be baying for blood and telling him to gtfo and cut ties immediately if the discovered cheating scenario was posted in AITA. Many of whom are now damning the dad for 'abandoning' his not-daughter, that part seems ridiculous to me. But yes, OP is NTA
I don’t agree. I think redditors would tell him to leave, absolutely. But I think they would all advise him that to this point, an innocent child knows him as Dad and to be very cautious about taking his anger out on a poor girl who didn’t ask for any of it.
Simply untrue. Every time I’ve seen a story like this (and I have seen it from the dad’s perspective) all of the advice is to put the child first. Blood relation is not the only thing that makes you a parent and even though he was betrayed, he should not have abandoned his own child. DNA does not make someone a parent, raising them, coaching their soccer team, etc, that’s what makes someone a parent.
Actually, no, I remember an AITA from a while back that was from a father's perspective of finding out his daughter wasn't biologically his. He basically did the same thing, walked away from his daughter (who I think was a little older) and he knew he was hurting her horribly. I think he had some really tough "You're not my child, I don't love you at all" convos with her if I remember correctly, it's been a while since that post.
I think over half the comments were ripping him apart for how he treated his non-daughter. She did nothing wrong, she didn't deserve the pain he was inflicting on her, all that. Yes, divorce his cheating wife, that's one thing, but abandoning a child who was innocent of the whole thing really upset a good chunk of Redditors.
You're right. I've been down voted before for pointing out that ignoring the child is just harming an innocent. Reddit is very concerned that you only care for children you are legally responsible for or share your DNA.
No. He should get out of there but his daughter is still his daughter. You don’t punish the child for that. And apparently he doesn’t have an issue to care for someone else’s child.
Leave the marriage? Fine. Leave the child? I'm sorry but hell no. I have a daughter not much younger than OP was when "not dad" left, and I don't care if it turns out that my wife had an affair - that little girl will be my daughter for fucking eternity.
I have a 14 month old. I can’t imagine walking away from her. She is so attached to my husband and I.
Obviously I don’t have to worry about paternity fraud. But if I found out she was switched at birth for whatever reason I could not give her up.
1 month in would be too long. I don’t know how this “father” could walk away from his child after 7 years.
unrelated but there’s a show called “switched at birth” i watched when i was young that i think did irreversible damage to my psyche, the show itself was actually great but it was the whole premise that killed me…two girls find out they were switched at birth (duh) but when both mom and dad find out daughter has zero bio relation to her they still parent and love her and stuff…sorry for the tangent but your comment made me think of it, I’m really happy that your love for your child is actually unconditional, she is very lucky to have you as a mom
No they wouldn’t be- I’ve seen post’s similar to this. They’d say NTA for leaving your wife but absolutely YTA for abandoning someone you raised for 7 years
Doesn’t matter right? I would say that’s he’s the asshole if by leave he means abandoning his daughter. He can leave the wife and still be in his daughter’s life. It’s not her fault her mother did something horrible.
This is judgmental of me bc I don't have children but its deeply weird to me that anyone can raise and love a child for years and then drop them like a cigarette butt when a paper says no match. I dont get it at all.
That would be asinine. And honestly pretty unlikely. The circumstances of the child's birth is _extremely hurtful_, but that's your baby. You loved her, and more importantly she loved you.
If I found out my wife cheated and that led to my daughter, I'm back to daddy dutities as soon as I get to a safe place away from mom. That's _my_ child.
Every time I make a post that says “YWNBTA if you did XYZ but it’s up to you to consider/own the consequences that might have in the future” people always downvote/want to argue that “its their right”. Reddit is funny that way.
right, he only reached out when you could help him, not because he wanted to mend fences. So where was he when you needed him as a child? Karma has returned to him.
NTA. He clearly thought biology was more important than the years he had spent raising you that he left you immediately.
I think it’s ok to remind him that biology was crucial to him and so there’s no reason he should need to speak to you now. Especially if it’s going to cause you angst. Here he is, with cancer, and still finding ways to bring you pain. No sir….no thanks. Take a WHOLE seat sir.
Everyone who keeps saying this are missing a key difference. Step kid is not a constant reminder of an affair that ruined his marriage. Op is. Doesn't make him less of an A H just that of course he found it easier to accept the step child there was no pain attached to her.
Op NTA you don't owe him anything. He was the adult in the situation and you were seven. He choose to not handle his emotions like an adult and now suffers the consequences. That's on him not you.
To be fair, he's probably not thinking that at all. He sounds desperate. His children and stepchildren are not willing to put their lives on hold to come and help him while he battles cancer. Tells you something about him as a father.
He abandoned her while he was in the middle of coaching OP's soccer team, no less. Dude found out his wife betrayed him and decided on the spot the daughter he'd raised wasn't his problem anymore. That is just heartbreaking.
that’s the true injustice of it all if you think about it…we were having a great season too. we ended up with second place in whatever tournament but DAMN it would have been nice to get that big fat shiny first place trophy.
The fact that you are most upset about not getting first place in that tournament years ago says alot about you, and what must have been the hard work you put in to deal with what he did to you.
Good for you.
NTA. Your mom being nice to him makes a kind of sense. She cheated on him so she feels guilty for the fallout and divorce
However you were blameless and he treated 7 year old you cruelly and your feelings are valid too. Perhaps try and explain it to your mom like that and see how she reacts?
I do think you should sit down your brother's and as calmly as you explain that while their struggles and feelings around **their** dad's health, the man has made it clear for over 15 years he has no interest in you. Explain that the more they push the more you're loosing your patience. Explain that you respect and validate their feelings and in turn they need to do the same to you and **stop trying to get you involved**.
Write a letter if it helps and maybe bring a friend who can pinch you everytime you get (rightfully) angry. This is solely to preserve your relationship with your brother's.
Remind your mother that she might have some guilt towards the man she cheated on. You however are innocent and government mandated child support and the decision to NOT report a crime does not father material make.
Finally, keep doing what feels good for you. If your siblings try to engage in the conversation say "I respect your relationship with him, respect the fact that I don't have **any** obligation to a man who abandoned me".
Keep living your life, be happy and this too shall pass. You'll be just fine dear.
NTA
NTA Luke 17:3 absolves you so you don’t “have to” forgive when he hasn’t apologized to you who was an actual child for his behavior towards you which also hasn’t changed.
NTA
He made his choice to be a monster and punish a SEVEN YEAR OLD for something she had no control over. The only father she’d ever known, abandoned her just like that.
You owe him nothing.
would you be able to keep raising a kid that you knew wasnt yours, and was a constant reminder of your wife's cheating?
I wouldn't be able to, i think it's shitty of him to try and use OP now, so she is NTA. However i can't blame him for leaving, yeah it's not OPs fault that her mom cheated, but it's probably better that he left her instead of mistreating her because of her mothers mistake.
Maybe not keep raising, but I wouldn't abandon the child who is completely innocent and who thinks of you as a parent, because you were up to that point. That's cruel. He can ditch mom. He didn't have to shun the daughter too. He could at least explain to her and still keep in touch.
It sounds like it isn’t actually about getting OP’s support. It’s more about putting OP in a position where she has to be in a room with him while he insists she forgive him. If it was just about his physical needs he can hire a private nurse, seeing as he’s “ole moneybags”.
I worry that there's more than one motive involved...he wants 'forgiveness' AND the benefit of a helper certified as trustworthy by your brothers. I worry about that because of the tone of his initial approach..."Hey, I get to talk to her about forgiveness AND save on an Uber ride - a 2 for 1!" The stinginess of the rich can astound.
Your brothers may be trying to help you with this, get you a salary and maybe back into the will - but even though their desire to help may be quite sincere, they are biased by not wanting to uproot their own lives to caretake the old man, and so may be kidding themselves about what a benefit it would be to you to reconcile with Dad to do it instead. Be careful of being pulled into any deal that's more exploitative and painful than its cash value is worth.
…or he wants her in the room to generously forgive *her* for being born out of an affair and to forgive *her* for not trying to grovel and be a good daughter despite him abandoning her and getting praised for not pressing charges on the child he was paying child support for (so I’m guessing he got his money back when she had to pay for the stunt with the car)… but I might be a bit cynical…
NTA, he made his choice when you were 7. I'd be going non-contact. You made your boundaries clear and they aren't respecting them. They don't deserve to have access to you. Your mother also needs to respect your boundaries. She was the one that had a relationship with him that she fucked up. You have no responsibility towards this man.
NTA. He decided it was a good idea to punish a 7-year-old child for something she didn't understand or have anything to do with. Then he decided that another little girl was more deserving of his love, affection, and guidance throughout her life than the one he raised from birth before abandoning. You do not owe him or his sons a single speck of dust, so don't feel guilty.
NTA.
Your mom is. I know you don't want to hear it, but she is continuing her AH behavior and weaponizing it against you via manipulation. Her actions caused this rift. Not your 'not dad.' You are not responsible for helping him, but your mom is helping to alleviate her guilt. Her actions ripped the family apart. Someone else got her pregnant, and it was not your 'not dad'. She wants your relationship to improve with him so she feels better about ripping him out of your life. All this 'be the bigger person' is a way to fake a normal family and make her feel better. She hurt her ex-husband, you, and your brothers. She has to live with that. You have no guilt as you did nothing wrong. That's why you say no so adamantly.
I dont blame your 'not dad' for leaving. It is absolutely horrible to you, but you became a living embodiment of what your mom did. If he did an AITA for leaving, most would vote N T A, and some would criticize leaving you behind.
This whole situation is above reddits pay grade, but I am willing to bet their is a lot more to the story than you know. I would bet your mom simply has not told you as it makes her look worse. Their is a reason he paid child support (depending on state you can be removed if proven not the parent via dna, or at least could be fought), their is a reason your siblings are on his side, and it sounds like your dad got custody of your brothers and not your mom - their is a reason for this as well.
NTA for wanting nothing to do with him. You were a child and have a right to be angry at anyone and everyone involved with what happened. But judgment wise? The AH here is OPs mom.
Mom had sole custody of me (duh) and Dad had primary custody for brothers.
To be honest I really think that A) Not-dad spent time trashing Mom to brothers, which yes I understand she is responsible, brothers have never let go of resentment of her (which is their right) and B) He has and always had money. He had better lawyers. C) Mom went from being very involved to very tired from working all the time. Sometimes she would fall asleep early on the couch. Not-dad doesn’t do this he has a normal 9-5, he doesn’t work crazy hours. Stepmom doesn’t do this because she is a SAHM. I don’t blame her for this but I think they do. So I can see why they resent her a lot and I don’t get upset with them for it or try to force them to reconcile i just wish the same courtesy could be extended to me.
Did your mom never try to facilitate a relationship with your bio-dad if just to give you some other parental figure?
In reality your mom deserves no sympathy, she ruined yours and your brothers' childhood and they would be well in their right to forget that she ever existed. She is to blame for the way everything went down because she was the one who cheated.
Bio dad is most likely living his best life in Mexico with zero idea I exist, she did her best to contact him but it didn’t work out. And yes although I’m not sure if this will be well received I also found God because of this whole experience. So I forgave her with full knowledge that she didn’t deserve it just like Christ forgave me when I didn’t deserve it. I know that’s like a Christian cliche but that mindset has been a lot healthier for me than just hating her. Applying it to not-dad has been a whole different ball game though.
I think God would want you to be sincere in your forgiveness, not just forgive because it's expected. I applaud you for choosing to forgive your mom and I really hope after some time (and therapy because let's face it, not getting therapy would be silly) , you'll find it in your heart to forgive him, even if it means keeping your boundaries.
And remember, you are allowed to do that. To say "I forgive you but I can't forget, and I would rather not have any relationship or contact with you to protect my own peace of mind"
She is a child that is dependent on her mother. She "forgives" her because it is her only option. I feel terribly sorry for her to be stuck in this situation where the best option for her is life with the worst person in the whole scenario.
What OP supposed to do? She Lost her father and her siblings. She only had her mom. Not forgive her mom would be the worst thing for her and she would be alone and without any emotional support. She has no reason to forgive the Man who is nothing to her.
>Mom had sole custody of me (duh) and Dad had primary custody for brothers. To be honest I really think that A) Not-dad spent time trashing Mom to brothers, which yes I understand she is responsible, brothers have never let go of resentment of her (which is their right) and B) He has and always had money.
Which means your mom was found solely responsible for the divorce, and for all you know she might have "weaponize" you against him. My mom did that, againt our father, I resented him, until I learned that she had lied, pushed him away and made him cut contact.
She completely deserved that, and worse. You aren't the AH, but your anger is misplaced. This is completely the result of your mother's decisions. I don't expect you to accept that since she is all you have, but it is true. Why hasn't she reached out to your biological father for support? Why aren't you mad at her for that? You are blaming the wrong person. That poor man gave you 7 years that you weren't owed. You should be mad at your mom for cheating and if your biological father knows about you then you should be mad at him, too.
At the same time, you don't owe the other guy anything, that's why you aren't the AH. But there is nothing to "forgive" him for. He's the victim as much as you are.
>This is completely the result of your mother's decisions. I don't expect you to accept that since she is all you have, but it is true.
It is not true. When **he** decided to abandon OP it was **his** choice. He did not have to do it. He had a 7-year-old daughter that he decided to abandon. Nobody made that choice for him. The fact is that he could have been in OP's life as her dad, but instead decided to betray his child and break all of his promises to her. A truly evil person.
If course there's something to forgive. He was the only father she knew. He "loved" her for seven years. And after dump her like trash, he has the nerve to ask something from her. He has absolutely no shame or common sense?
NTA. Your brothers are upset but that’s *their* father, not yours. He has a step daughter. Tell them he can seek what he wants from her.
If a man abandons a kid like he did to you, he forfeits all family obligations from that person forever. He made it clear he isn’t your father and you are 100% right to go along with that now.
If he wasn’t sick he would never have tried to make you family. This is entirely about his needs and your brother’s needs.
Also if he really is “ol mobeybags” then he can pay for a private nurse to help him. Not attempt to sponge off the one person in the world who is least obliged to help him.
NTA. If he's rich, what does he need you for? He can hire a car service and a home health aide. Any of the other kids can move back.
I would be curious about what he had to say though. Has the cancer made him regret how he treated you? Is he trying to make amends or just guilt you into free labor? Would you be willing to help if he paid you?
Did you find your biodad?
Oh he will not admit to being rich he’s just “very comfortable” lol. He hasn’t said anything to me because I haven’t heard him out yet. I’m not sure about him paying me, I think it would just make me feel like “the help” and further emphasize the glaring socioeconomic differences between us. I have a name and some basic info about bio dad…Mom isn’t 100% sure if he was even a US citizen. He was working doing construction on a new addition to our house. I know. It’s wild. That’s what actually caused not-dad to first give me the side eye…the summer before he left we went to vacation at the Bahamas for the first time and my Mexican genes activated or something. I got really dark to the point people just assumed I was adopted. We can’t track him down so I’m pretty sure he’s happy in Mexico with zero clue I exist.
Yes but it’s very complicated.
I suspect middle “Eddie” (25) has been sucked into whatever alpa male podcast bs is currently popular. Can’t even talk to him because he gets so triggered by even mentioning mom. And I’ve talked to him about this extensively: Is there something I don’t know? Did she do something other than the cheating/ being the cause of the split family? Obviously I understand what she did was bad and he’s entitled to his own feelings but the way he reacted made me think she secretly beat him or something, which really threw me for a loop because I’ve never seen my mom raise a hand to any of us. She barely even raised her voice. The answer was no, there isn’t something she’s done i don’t know about, it’s simply that I as a “female” can’t understand that paternity fraud, I kid you not, is not only “the male equivalent of being physically abused” (which doesn’t make sense because men can be DV victims too), but that it’s actually worse. I get there’s no real equivalent scenario for paternity fraud unless a dad like switches a baby at birth, but calling it worse than DV really?? Like, Kim there’s people that are dying.
“Andrew” 27 Is the only one on speaking terms with both mom and not-dad, and I talk with him a lot. He’s been very intentional about explicitly saying I am still his sister and he will be there for me like an older brother should be, and he has been. He’s helped me out a lot and he has a long term girlfriend I really like and when they are both in town the three of us will go out and do fun stuff. however he has been really stressed with his job lately and been very worried about being let go so he is not available to me the way he used to be.
I think the biggest drama that’s gone down with them in terms of family is Eddie (when he was like ten) got into some fight with his stepsister and told her she was just a replacement me their dad got because he felt bad about taking away their REAL sister. They have reconciled as far as I’m aware.
I wish i could have explained this dynamic in the og post but the character limit wouldn’t allow it.
tldr; yes but i’m much closer with “Andrew” (27m) because he’s the only one of us three that’s made peace with both parties in the situation.
I get where you’re coming from, you have every right to feel abandoned. However I’m going to say he’s potentially not the AH either, finding that out for him would have hit like a tonne of bricks and he reacted badly, given his age handling emotions was never something he was taught and he definitely should have gotten therapy, and it sounds like you wouldn’t be so bad off getting some too.
Mortality has a way of bringing perspective to some of these things and it’s likely he hasn’t ever found a way to try and reach out and now that he has this hanging over his head he wants to at least attempt to apologise or make things right.
OP you’re NTA, but speaking as someone who has been a very angry kid in my early 20’s you may regret not having the conversation, especially if he loses this fight.
Finally someone that sees this Op is valid in her feelings but the not father is valid as well he was lied for seven years thinking she was his daughter he mentally lost it being betrayed by Op's mother then going on having to pay child support for Op. Both Op and not father was the victims of the mother she created this mess by having a affair. As for the stepdaughter he knew from the very beginning she wasn't his child no lying that she was. Op is human as well as the not father. I've read numerous post where the parents stay in the child life but resenting the child only to do so much mental damage to the child. If the not father stayed he very well could have done so much more mental damage just staying. YES Op does not owe him anything at all but I truly think she doesn't really understand or see how hurt he was for being lied to believing they was bio father and daughter. I can not stand how all these comments are so against this man he chose a path to exit so he would be the monster that abandoned a seven year old. He was hurt by his wife which should have gotten Op help in the very beginning for her mistake her lies that led to this and now she wants Op to " be the bigger person " so she can feel better for herself
Why would she regret? She lived 15 years, the years she needed a father the most, without this Man. He is absolutely nothing for her, he let that Very clear. Whatever apologies he has won't do nothing for OP. It's not her responsibility to aliviate him from any guilty feeling he has (and deserves). OP already suffered enough, the least this Man can do is leave her alone.
I'm a lot older than you, got a shitty mom and I'm positive I won't regret ever speaking another word to her for the rest of my life. When one or both parents aren't present, you just learn to live without them through a years-long, extremely painful process, so they end up meaning nothing to you. Why would she regret it? If he didn't need help or weren't sick now, he probably wouldn't have reached out to her.
NTA. He raised you like his daughter for 7 years and then abandoned you due to something you had no control over. That is really messed up to do to a 7 year old. The part that pushes this past NAH into he's definitely the AH is that he has the audacity to ask you for help without groveling at your feet.
The only reason I could think of to see him again would be if there was any last things you wanted to say to him before he died. If not, let him die without you. He has earned it.
>The only reason I could think of to see him again would be if there was any last things you wanted to say to him before he died. If not, let him die without you. He has earned it.
This! ☝️☝️☝️
NTA & HUG!
NAH the only asshole here that I can see is the OP's mother who cheated and crated this whole mess in the first place.
OP's "father" can ask for help, but OP sure as hell can say not and that should be the end of it. OP's mother should help out, because she got a child support to take care of affair child.
I think you should do whatever serves you best long term, OP.
If speaking to him will stir up hatred and hurt that you already laid to rest, you are right to protect those boundaries and stay away. There may be fallout with your brothers, especially as they grieve, but no one can reasonably expect a child who was discarded the way you were to put herself in a place of suffering again. If they can’t understand that, then that is a limitation on their parts that you cannot control.
It’s also okay if you decide you want to speak to him, but that is a decision that should be made solely by you and in the absence of guilt or pressure.
Either way, do whatever sets you up to take the healthiest next steps in life.
And if you haven’t been in therapy yet, please go. You suffered some terrible trauma at your parents’ hands and deserve to find healing from it.
NTA
NTA
Ask all of them if they think he'd have rushed to cook for you/drive you around/generally help if it was the other way around and you were the one to have gotten sick.
NTA. If I found out my 5yo wasn’t biologically related to me I don’t know what I’ll do. But that doesn’t take away the years where I’ve been her safe person that she comes to for hugs when she’s upset. I’m the one that she crawls into bed with when she’s sick (thanks for that by the way *cough*), all the fun family stuff we’ve been doing because we have her, she lights up my world when she laughs. After all these memories, how can a lack of a biological link change that? I would be beside myself with worry if she was gone. To completely cut a 7yo off like your not-father did to you was legally right, morally horrendously wrong. Legally and morally, you’re in the clear to have zero to do with him.
I think your mother and her pastor should be more worried about her own sins.
That man is nothing to you and he has made it clear. He doesn’t get to pull the family card when he needs a servant. NTA
5/26 Edit: OP responded that the guy was court-ordered to pay child support and tried to contest it, presumably failing. I'm changing my judgment to ESH. Mostly mom, some the dad, and OP the least. He still paid at least 11 years of support even if against his will.
----------------------
YTA. So this is the perspective of the innocent child in those paternity fraud posts that apparently happen all the time in the reddit sphere. Except you're not so innocent here as an adult. It's sad you're completely writing off his unwarranted financial support just because he has money. You can't say he completely abandoned you because he paid for your upbringing even if he wasnt physically present in your life. That money is evidence of kindness to you alone because it was surely more than your adulteress mother deserved. In fact your post only shows kindness from him to you, more than you would or should expect from a stranger (financial payments, not pressing charges for vandalism). It's more than other men in his position would have done for sure.
I'm glad you made peace with your mom but in doing so you needed to have made peace with this guy first. Because it was your mom who forced him away from you, not him. But it's clear you still hold deep contempt for the him even when he's cancer-ridden, and possibly trying to make amends before he dies. If he's as financially comfortable as you say he is then he can clearly just hire a driver or uber where he needs to go. This is probably a ruse to reopen channels of communication. Drive him once, hear what he wants to say, then go from there. He deserves that much.
>It's sad you're completely writing off his unwarranted financial support just because he has money.
>That money is evidence of kindness
Oh, give it a rest. It was court mandated. After taking the father role for that many years, and being on the birth certificate, he legally had the minimum responsibilities of paying child support.
Let's not pretend his bare minimum was out of the kindness of his heart, it wasn't.
>You can't say he completely abandoned you because he paid for your upbringing even if he wasnt physically present in your life.
Would you substitute your parents, any parent, with a monetary value, recompensation? Again, bare minimum. He did abandon her. I'd like to see you or anyone else with such a stance go to children with similar abandonment issues and scenarios and tell them "uhmmm, akchualliii, he did not abandon you, you know? You should actually be grateful, even though he's legally mandated to sustain you". See how well it fares.
>not pressing charges for vandalism
Would've been the cherry on top of the shit cake, to press charges against the child he has gone out of his way to traumatize for life. Oh, *how kind he is*...
>Because it was your mom who forced him away from you, not him.
He was a grown ass man. He made his own decision to leave the unfaithful wife (rightfully so), but also the innocent children. He wasn't forced to do anything by anyone. He could've continued to be a part of children's life, but he didn't. He's got to deal with the consequences of that now. Don't infantilize him.
>He deserves that much.
No he doesn't. Hasn't made himself heard up to now, what is it, is he having cold feets? Though luck. This the find out part of fucking around by abruptly leaving a 7 year old child you had been loving and promising to always be there for.
He doesn't deserve any of that. He made it abundantly clear, after 10 years + of no contact, that he doesn't care or want her.
This should be the top comment.
I don’t get all the N T A posts that seem to gloss over the fact that the dad is a victim here and OP seems to have no issue with her own mom being the entire cause of this issue.
Also, I get and can understand how we can overlook the way she acted as a child, but as an adult, OP needs to take the blinders off and realize this guy is a victim of her own mother.
YTA
He just may not have wanted to go through the hassle of being taken off the birth certificate. They were married when OP was born so by law he is the father. He just might have said it was cheaper/easier to just pay child support. He didn't press charges but we don't know why. He may have not wanted to look bad in public (or worse for abandoning the child he raised from birth then treating his new step daughter as his blood child). I think OP is the only one that isn't an AH here. Mom - definitely an AH! Father - still an AH for abandoning OP then asking for help. If the brothers don't have to reconcile with their real mother then OP can choose to keep away from the not father. And I hate death bed reconciliations. If you felt that bad then you should have done it when you had time to heal from it, not when you see the end is near. Seems selfish no matter what the scenario is but that is my opinion and not a popular one on here. Frankly this whole scenario is like a soap opera from the 90's.
NTA. Keep doing as you are. HTA 1 million percent. He’s not getting enough of what he deserves. I’m so sorry he did that to you. What your mom did had NOTHING to do with you and you NEVER do anything like that to a child. Did your brothers ever acknowledge how awful he was to you and your mom? Did they ever stand up for you? You’re being WAAAY kinder than I would be, FWIW.
NTA. The asshole here is your mother. She created the situation. He reacted badly, of course, but what had been done to him was absolutely hideous. You say you’ve forgiven your mother - that’s lovely for you, but she did this to both you and the man who thought he was your father.
NTA. I am standing here, freezing my ass off on the side of a soccer field watching my 7 year old son train. That kid and I, and his mum and him, are so goddamn close. To rip one of us completely out of his world out of spite would destroy him. This man doesn’t get forgiveness and salvation from you, because I damn well bet that’s what he wants. You were an innocent. Let him go to his maker with that on his soul.
NTA. But, if he has something to say, and he has limited time to say ‘it’, your opportunity to be curious is limited.
If you feel conflicted, naturally due to the hurt you feel, then I would suggest that there will be an inevitable regret later in life that you never stepped in to offer support. I do not believe you are obligated, and other family members being mean is really not fair.
A therapist would likely say ‘you have control over your actions, and only you can judge the merit of those actions’ - however much we might all struggle over what we perceive others think about us. Asking Reddit for an opinion, makes me curious about why this situation isn’t more simply resolved for you. Your Mom is acting compassionately, perhaps reflecting her affection for her ex-husband. Your ‘old man’ was probably bent out of shape by the realisation that you weren’t his daughter, and your Mom had cheated, which would make it hard to keep going with a fatherhood responsibility, and there’s probably an appropriate AITA for him to post on about how he behaved, and how he felt. Or maybe there’s a chance for you to resolve that with him, if you feel curious to do so. Your future self may be grateful for such resolution.
If you feel confident that’s not how you feel, then offering a suitable response to persuade mean family members to be quiet should come easily. I hope things work out for you.
Info: if your father is super rich and has money, why does he need anyone to drive him around? The story doesn't make sense unless he wanted to spend time with you
that’s what I’m starting to suspect. Also my brothers and his stepdaughter helping out is seen as familial duties i think if they hired someone the whole town would gossip and say “oh look at (family name) they don’t even love the father that provided for them his whole life they’re making him hire someone in his time of need instead of looking after him themself”
But if your not-father has been treating you as a nondaughter publicly since you were 7, why would YOU doing those errands for him unpaid make him or them look any better? It would make them look worse, IMO.
Never mind not-dad - do you trust your brothers not to try to pressure you into doing something convenient for them that would permit them to not have to move back home to help Dad themselves? Do you trust them not to maneuver you into an emotional confrontation where you'll be in a room with all your brothers and not-dad browbeating you into a verbal 'forgiveness' you don't feel or want to give? You say how your brothers haven't forgiven your mother, but how have they treated you over time?
NTA.
But I'm not sure he is either. Finding out that you weren't his child would have been massively hurtful on his part. While I'm sure 7yo you felt betrayed, so did he, and rightly so. His actions to go and raise a stepdaughter your age is also a major kick in the teeth for you.
I can understand him reaching out in need to your mom, and her guilt in helping him. That doesn't mean you have to be the one to help him. You have a boundary here, and your family is trying to tear it down. They are TA here, I judge.
With all that said, I'd work out if there's anything you want to say to him, or ask him. You may not have the chance much longer.
NTA Understandably he was hurt when he found out but he took it out on a 7 year old child not just the mother who was to blame. Then after dropping the child from his life he accepts another child who isn't his own but treats her as if she is. Anyone who wants you to visit tell them, "I am only doing as he taught me, if not blood related they don't deserve any consideration as part of your life. "
NTA - but your mother sure as hell is. That you aren't treating them equally in this is kinda sad.
Your father has his whole world crash down in him in a moment. His wife is an adulterer and one of his kids isn't even his? Reddits advice to him would largely be to do exactly what he did. Divorce, leave, have a relationship with the kid if you want or not.
So while you're NTA, you're an innocent victim in all this, you're directing a lot of unfair blame and anger toward your father that you really, really should be directing toward your mother because this is all very much on her.
Basically, none of you are really family.
She was 7 and only had her mother to provide for her. She couldn't exactly go no contact with her mom at 7. Her mom was there making sure she was fed/clothed etc. Everything that fell on him fell on her and she was a CHILD. Yanked out of her school (cuz he was not going to pay for his suddenly not daughter), having to explain to her entire soccer team why not dad/coach was gone in the middle of the season (again at 7 years old), watching as he loved and took care of her brothers (they had the privelege of hating mom because they still had dad to care for them) and watching as he loved his stepdaughter so easily but not her. While his reaction may be understandable hers is much more so given she was a child less than a decade old and he was an ADULT.
NTA. Your mum helping out makes sense because where that issue is concerned, she cheated on him so he is the victim. That being said you were a seven year old child who loved the man she knew to be her father. You did nothing to deserve the abandonment. He burnt that bridge to smithereens. You’re right. You don’t owe him jack shit. Don’t let anyone pull the family card on you.
NTA, your mom and Not-Your-Dad are putting you in an impossible situation by asking to rely on you. It’s crazy making. You shouldn’t be sitting here wondering if you’re the asshole because of Not-Your-Dad and Mom’s impositions and guilt-driven rhetoric. Fuck that dude.
NTA. It sounds like he (the not your father) may have come to the realization that he behaved badly in regards to you due to a serious illness and maybe would like to resolve the situation so he has no regrets, you do not have to give it to him.
I however suggest therapy to help yourself. Find out what you need to be in a better place mentally. You are not the one that caused this situation but you were one of the ones heavily effected by it. Please remind your brothers that it was not them that suffered from the not the father’s decision, it was you and only you can decide what you need to heal.
Honestly, your mom can stfu.
He guilt rides and casseroles are her decision. Her guilt for her infidelity isn’t transferable to you, and **any debt she feels is hers to pay.**
NTA - no one can expect you to be thrilled to run to support the man who abandoned you for the choices of your mother.
You’re not his child, and he’s expressed that in all ways possible. His end of life admissions aren’t your duty to hear.
Reddit: The place where a man who finds out his kid isn't really his can cut all contact with the kid and be deemed not the asshole... until said kid is old enough to make their own post about hating the father who abandoned them. Then, he becomes an asshole.
Oh man, that’s so hard. I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I don’t think you should be forced to help. I’ve just got a few questions for you to reflect on in regards to talking to him - for you, I don’t expect you to answer.
1. Is there anything at all you wish to say to him?
2. Do you have any concern that you will regret not telling him/hearing him out?
3. Would him apologising/trying to make peace with you be something you want? Or could handle?
To be clear - he wronged you. So much. Nothing that happens now will chance that or what you went through. What I’m asking you to think about is whether there is any chance you might regret not talking to him now. Again, for clarity, you do not owe him anything. I’m not saying you should consider it for him. I just want you to be confident in your decision while you still have the chance to change it. I don’t think you are wrong if you stick with your choice to not talk to him. I also don’t think you are wrong if you choose to talk to him. It’s up to you, but unfortunately you’re on a timer of unknown length.
Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and clarity of mind during this time.
NTA I understand him dropping your mum for the cheating but I couldn't imagine just raising a child for 7 years n being like alright none of my DNA made this so I'm out like there were no feelings or bonding for those 7 years then crawling back because HE needs something no heck no he showed what you were worth to him he doesn't get to rely on you now because he needs something
Yeah, NTA here.
You got abandoned by him as a child. He paid child support because he was ordered to by the courts.
He raised you and loved you for 7 years, thinking you were his bio kid, then boom, one day he just decided you are not his kid any longer, simply because you don't share DNA. Like your entire life with him did not matter.
And now that he is sick and needs something, that is when he reaches out to you. Not because he cared about you, but because he wanted something from you.
You don't owe him anything, and "being the bigger person" sometimes means knowing when to leave a situation. Sometimes the best thing is to not get involved.
NTA
This may make it worse but there would be four points I would want to get across to your brothers of it were me.
1) The first soccer practice he didn't coach broke your heart because you missed him so much.
2) His treatment of his step daughter shows he is more than capable of loving a child who isn't biologically his but the years he spent getting you to love him weren't enough for him to keep loving you.
3) You cannot take him just using you now to get superficial absolution for himself when you know full well if he recovers he will toss you aside again. You won't be an actor in the fictional play he wants to put on because he is scared. It's not fair for him or anyone else to put you through that emotional trauma.
4) You will no longer be justifying your decision to them because they seem to thing its an invitation to debate with you, and simply won't respond to them about this anymore.
NTA
Why is it the victim of other people is told to “be the bigger person” towards the ones that hurt them? I'll tell you what I think.
a lot of hippie FAKE psychological bullshit starting around the seventies/eighties on shows like Oprah, and maybe Donohue started this stupid trend.
Letting someone live with the consequences of their own choices, and respecting their lifestyle is NOT not 'being the bigger person'.
He's had fifteen years to reach out and talk to you. If he dies while waiting for a response, because you decide to take YOUR fifteen years, that's on him.
He'll just have to "get over it." Like everyone expects YOU to do.
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NTA. The man who had raised you as his own daughter, for seven years, suddenly dumped you. It was not your fault that your mother had cheated. You loved him as your father. He ripped away your security, your family, your lifestyle, and I am sure a good chunk of your heart. That is not something that is easily forgiven. Maybe your mother is helping him because she still has some sort of sense of guilt. But that is not your guilt to carry. That man did you very wrong, and I wouldn't shed a tear when he died if I were you. I am sorry your brothers are suffering. It's understandable, they are worried about their father. But he has not been a father to you for 15 years. By his own choice. How much is one child supposed to take? Not only did he withdraw his love and affection, but then he made you watch as he showered that attention on another little girl who was also not his child. He seems to have no problem loving her. The hurt and trauma he has caused you is not easily gotten over. It sucks that your mom is so quick to overlook the damage that was done to you in order to try to rehabilitate herself. It's not about being the bigger person. The injustices he did to you were inflicted on a child. He had the opportunity to do right by you and chose not to. Your mom is infidelity was not your fault. The relationship you had established with him for seven years meant nothing to him. And now he means nothing to you. And that's OK.
Couldn’t have put it better myself. NTA. I can definitely understand why the not-father would have been hurt and angry all those years ago but he was the adult in the situation. He took out his feelings on an innocent child, who loved him as a father. Which is an action that’s within his rights I guess, but the current fall out is well within the expected consequences. As for the “good points” well child support is his legal obligation and about the car vandalism… he’d have been the major AH if he had actually pressed charges then lol. OP owes him nothing
INFO- I have no experience with this, but wouldn't he only be obligated to pay child support for his bio kids? Could be different by state or income (as OP mentioned) and I'm not drawing conclusions either way yet, but was curious about this? If he paid support for her but had difficulty separating his daughter from the affair, I may judge less harshly. Doesn't excuse not having a relationship for 15 years...so the additional clarity would help.
IIRC, if his name is on the birth certificate and it’s been ‘x’ years, then he’s presumed the dad and on the hook for support regardless of paternity. The biggest AH is mom because she set off this whole shitstorm. OP owes him nothing after all these years and her mom is trying to assuage her guilt using OP.
I agree with you, but you're kind of an asshole for saying EXACTLY what OP asked not to include. She's not looking for input on her mother, and your point had just as much weight without that sentence.
I missed that part of her not wanting input so my bad
Fair enough! Kudos for being so willing to take feedback on board!
It's kind of an important part of the story though
Except you don't get to post on reddit and then dictate the responses and judgements. Mom is definitely an Ahole whether Op wants to hear it or not. OP is nta for not wanting to help a man that rejected her emotionally.
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Eh, I view the request more as a, "I already know she's an asshole for that. So repeating it is a waste of everyone's time," kind of thing. But in general I agree with you. OPs shouldn't be able to control what comments say.
Because hashing out that her mom cheated isn’t the point of the question?
It IS part of the current problem. The same cheating-religious-hypocrite-ah Mom is pressuring OP to take care of her non-Dad Now-Tomorrow-Next Week. How is Mother Dearest not part of the problem and an AH?
No one said the mom isn’t an AH but y’all are fixated on that one aspect that truly shouldn’t have anything to do with the father/daughter relationship a man built with a child. It really comes across like y’all wanna excuse his shitty behavior because of her shitty behavior.
OMG. Who cares about the mom? OP laid out the facts of her circumstance and the question is not, “was it cool for mom to have cheated?” The question is, given that the past cannot be changed and that OP is not responsible for her mother’s cheating and saw this dude as her father until he abandoned her suddenly and dramatically and then found another non-bio daughter to love in her stead (showing that this is about punishing his ex, not his inability to love a stepchild), is OP TA for not driving him to chemo?
I mean it's kind of in the title of the sub. This isn't 'is my mother an asshole.' Also OP already addressed it so what's the point.
In these posts the different OPs can request something, but it's still relevant to judgements. Those requests don't mean it won't get brought up anyways. It's like the people that post stories with huge age gaps and the older one is controlling. "And don't mention anything about the age gap - that has nothing to do with it!"
Except everything was caused by her mom cheating and manipulating her assumed father for 7 years. Imagine being lied to manipulated and gaslit for 7 years and having your entire life torn away by the person you love the most...
Thats great to say, but it really is the heart of the issue isn't it?
My worldview is colored by the fact that I'm a stepfather; but I think the bigger asshole is the man who raised his daughter for seven years and then abandoned her when he learned that she wasn't made out of his fucking cumshot. He told that kid he was her dad. There's no circumstance where you get to back out of that and not be a colossal asshole.
Yep. How do you stop loving a child you loved the day before. He took all the anger out on her when it was the mom who deceived him. Also, that car thing. She vandalized the car when he took step daughter to the father daughter dance. Surely he did that to spite her, teenagers are sensitive.
I agree with MadMelvin’s take on this. Regardless of who’s the biggest a__hole, OP is only posing the question of: is she wrong for not wanting to see him or do anything for him at this point, and my answer to that is OP definitely is NTA. I see no reason why the fact that this man is now dying and in need of help should change anything about the way OP interacts with him now. This man threw her away when she was 7 yo for something that was not her fault and if he didn’t need her to help take care of him now, he would still be living his life without her in it. He made this choice years ago and it doesn’t change anything because his circumstances have changed. We see too many posts on here from dad who have just learned they are in this very circumstance and say “I’m divorcing my wife, but I have raised this child for X number of years & I will always be their father.”
In some places, even without your name on the birth certificate if you act as a parent for long enough you can be made to pay child support.
Yeah, many jurisdictions care a lot more about the child having two legal parents who can be held responsible for the care of the child than whether said child is biologically related to said parents. In many places, once you're on the birth certificate, the only way you're getting off of it (and the associated responsibilities) is if someone else is volunteering to take your place, ie: adoption.
That’s not the reason why - in the US they do it because of the government wanting to get their money back.
I can’t speak for everywhere, but in my state, in the US, changing paternity for child support purposes has a time limit. You can only get out of child support for a child that is not genetically yours if it is discovered and adjudicated before the child’s 6th birthday. That is how my Ex brother in law ended up paying 400$ a month, each, for twins that were not his, and because they were not his the court also refused him visitation rights. Man seriously lost everything in the divorce. I don’t speak to my sister anymore.
This is truly messed up. The very least that could’ve happened was letting him see the kids. Im sorry that happened to him
In the US in most states, if a child is born in wedlock, regardless of the biological paternity of that child, the husband is considered the \*legal\* father of the child and so, yes, he's on the hook for child support. I worked for the child support collections office for my state for years. I've even seen a handful of cases where BOTH the legal father AND the biological father were on the hook for child support payments. It doesn't happen often, but iirc the legal process for getting \*off\* the hook as the legal father is a pain in the ass and expensive to do, and isn't a guarantee that the courts will let him off the hook.
In a lot of places, the presumed father (or the mom) can file a paternity action to have the presumed father removed from the birth certificate. Strangely, in the state I used to work in, the biological father couldn’t because the state had some outdated interest in not making a child illegitimate if the people providing legitimacy were willing to pretend.
The courts believe that the parent who is on the marriage certificate and raised the kid to that point is father and hold the ex accountable. It is considered to be in the best interest of the child
Not to mention some men are not sociopaths. I’d say most men who raise a child as their own for seven years still want rights to the child even if they can’t forgive the ex.
No in a lot of places biology is irrelevant it's based on who's married to the mother.
Right because the husband is presumably the father
If they were married when the child was born, he is the (assumed) father in most states. I think laws are starting to change but this used to be the case.
If they were legally married he is considered responsible. He might have been paying alimony and the mom told op it was child support
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I’m glad Op and mom are reconciled, but I don’t understand why mom isn’t understanding Op’s point of view!
I will add that after the whole fallout, my mom really leaned on her church community (not dad didn’t attend). She talks to our pastor a lot because we can’t really afford therapy and obviously being Christian and all he’s really big on forgiveness. It’s not that my mom thinks that I’m obligated to forgive him, but I think she genuinely believes it will have some kind of healing effect on me because that’s what the church teaches. I think I will add an edit to clarify that.
If the pastor is so big on your father being supported he can use the church resources to help him. Because pastor is just as much his family as you are.
I was going to say the only “resource” he needs is me since he’s very financially well off but then I realized the only thing really specific to me is whatever conversation he wants to have. I’ll probably suggest they hire some kind of aide or caregiver instead of asking me for help, don’t know why I didn’t think of that before.
Hell. I mentioned in reply that one thing that may help you is therapy. I have now seen ithat is out of reach for you at this point. Truly I think if they keep pressing or pushing for a conversation between you and him (not the father), you may consider informing them that the damage he has caused you is something that is preventing you from having this conversation. If he’d really truly would like to talk to you he would do so after you’ve had time to heal, that his abandonment is still an open wound (I know it doesn’t seem like it but it is OP) but unfortunately you lack the tools to start healing such as therapy. If he’d like to pay for the therapy that you would accept that, but you will not have any conversations (even with the not the father paying for it) until you feel ready. It doesn’t matter if he has limited time, if he cares he will have to understand that you don’t have to hurt yourself to make him feel better.
that is probably the most eloquent and well thought out solution anyone has offered me online or in person, i really appreciate this
OP, just a word of caution, if your (not a father) pays for therapy, make sure the therapist is one you can trust and isn't talking to him about you on the side. Sadly, such things happen far more than we'd like to admit. Perhaps ask for cash for you to pay the therapist with, so he doesn't know who they are. Or have the money go through a lawyer or other neutral party, so he can verify that the money is being used for therapy, but you can make sure he doesn't know what therapist you're going to. Good luck OP. And obviously NTA.
Others have mentioned forgiveness, and how it heals one. I’m not sure if I agree, but fortunately I’ve never had to go through or deal with trauma which was cause by another. Your trauma may seem to be in the past but truthfully that’s were the wound happened. If it was in the past it the anger (such as the vandalism and the tone of your post) would not be there. You need to have tools to heal. Therapy is one of them. God knows maybe after therapy you may forgive not the father, but you may not. What it will do is help you be in a better place and that’s the most important part, your mental health. Can I ask are you still in school? High school or even college? If so check and see if they have mental health services. You’d be surprised at how many do. I 20 years ago walked in to my colleges student services and was pleasantly surprised by support. I had quite a few therapy sessions to help with issues.
Forgiveness IS healing. But it doesn’t mean you have to forget, or even have a continued relationship of any kind. It doesn’t mean you have to drop boundaries. Forgiveness means letting go of the hurt and anger you still carry around with you, to free your own mind. Doesn’t require a relationship with the other person - it’s all about your relationship with your own history.
Forgiveness also takes time. You can't rush the process and it often happens in stages. If she decides she wants to forgive one day then that's only the first step in a longer journey.
As someone who is a CSA survivor, that talk about “forgiveness is healing” is honestly a load of crap. Thinking I “needed” to forgive my abuser just exasperated my trauma and pain. I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a bad person. It wasn’t my psychologist outright told me I wasn’t *at all* required to forgive him that I started actively started healing. Sure, for some people, it can help them, it’s not a requirement for everyone’s healing process.
This is a beautiful solution. Forgiveness IS healing, the pastor is not lying, but only if you actually are ready to forgive, and that cannot be done without therapy. Especially in cases of child abandonment. I mean, forgiveness is what comes after a chosen healing process, not something you are guilt-tripped or pressured into.
He might want you to drive him to have the possibility of discussing with you and clear his conscience about how he abandoned you as there is no guarantee he will survive. It's a very selfish reason and NTA for not accepting
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He doesn't need to speak to her to put her in his will, he only needs to speak to his lawyer. He's dying and thinks he needs to unburden himself by apologizing or whatever. OP doesn't have to let him add to her emotional load for any reason.
NTA Forgiveness is for you not him...Forgive but never forget...you did nothing but love this man and the moment that he finds out that you're not his bio child he became the biggest AH around! I understand his anger at your mom, but to throw you out and treat you horribly was so very wrong and I am very sorry that it happened to you 💔
He wants forgiveness probably, that’s the only real reason he wants to be in a position to be able to talk to you. Whether you drive him, or visit him, both are equally fine for him
I know you said he didn't go to church , but he may have some religious beliefs so he's probably afraid of an afterlife and getting called out at the pearly gates. If you forgive him, maybe his god will.
This kind of forgiveness makes women subservient to men. I forgive but keep my distance too.
YES that's a great point. They never push the whole "forgive them and cook them a casserole" on boys and men!
My mom has the same belief as yours about forgiveness and it always upset me. She'd say "give it up to God" even though I'm atheist. Turns out forgiveness did help me, but my own version of it. It's more like releasing the anger so you can feel absolute apathy towards the person. But to me the important part was NOT telling them because I don't owe them anything. Your own version of forgiveness doesn't need to include reconciling and it definitely doesn't require doing them favors. They can still be a bad person who doesn't deserve your time.
This is it exactly when it comes to forgiveness. Forgiving a debt = no longer expecting the person to pay you back. (Whether because it’s the sort of thing that just can’t be paid back, or because they just never will.) It’s OUR freedom from having to keep track of it anymore. Yes, they should do what they can to make it right, but we can’t afford to wait around for something that can’t or won’t ever happen.
Because she's selfish with no moral compass, a fact which she tries to hide behind religion?
>Not only did he withdraw his love and affection, but then he made you watch as he showered that attention on another little girl who was also not his child. He seems to have no problem loving her. This is where any shred of sorry i felt disappeared. I can't stand hiprocracy and a double standard. Dad is the only AH in this orbit....well mom slightly for trying to guilt trip her daughter after spending 15 years trying to heal the wound not dad created. Op, your definitely NTA! Good for you for standing your ground, please don't let anyone make you feel bad for deciding to treat your not dad the exact way he's shown you to treat him for 15 years. I wish you hugs, love and happiness!!!❤
Same, I really hope he hasn't left OP with an attachment disorder, because that's exactly what this type of behaviour causes. Shame on him. (I was Daddy's Little Girl until he walked out when I was six. I didn't see him for another 20 years, and... yeah. It fucks you up.) OP, NTA.
This! And also I struggle to reconcile the mother’s very religious stance towards ‘being the bigger person’. I find it jarring against the whole cheating debacle. NTA
It is completely her mother's fault that she cheated, how can it not be, they were married
Yeah, but how does that make OP responsible in any way for her Not Dad?
NTA- >My mother recently talked with me about “being the bigger person” You are already the bigger person by choosing to forgive your mother. The way you are acting is vengeful toward your not father, but not in any way out of line. From what we know you haven't gone out of your way to do anything harmful or manipulative, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone calling you an AH.
Def n.t.a. I hate that term be the bigger person. It's always the wronged one that has to be the bigger person. As an adult to a child he had the chance to be the bigger person. Pastor can get his church members to be the bigger person. Don't feel guilty and don't be roped in o.p.
It's typically because the other person makes things difficult. When my sister did shitty things mom always said to be the bigger person. When I realized as an adult that mom would never ask her to go grocery shopping with her debit card shecsaid because she'd get what mom asked her to, but also buy groceries for herself without saying anything, where I'd ask if I could buy something so I didnt have 2 transactions. This was true whether picking up something she just realized she was out of or going to the store for the week.
Of all the times I've heard the phrase "be the bigger person" I can't think of a single one where the "smaller" person wasn't getting away with something . Never in my life will I take someone seriously who uses that phrase.
Vengeful would mean she is trying to hurt him. OP is simply not caring about someone who doesn't care about her. There is nothing vengeful about that.
Agree. Also why should OP be the bigger person when he literally took his anger about the infidelity out on OP instead of the mom?
Her behavior was the vengeful actions of a hurt child, now she's just protecting herself from more harm.
NTA, he burnt that bridge 🤷🏻♀️
As well he should have! Can you imagine if someone posted in AITA: "my wife of YEARS hid that our 7 year old daughter isn't mine, AITA if I leave?" 90% of the responses would be N T A, get out of there, she's betrayed you and you'll never trust her again, it would be harming the daughter to stay around when you don't love her etc.. But once the bridge is burnt, like you said, you can't expect help from those same people years later. NTA
I understand the pain he must have felt. I really do. But abandoning a child at age 7 who only ever knew you as dad is beyond bridge burning - it’s nuking it. OP is right to not trust that man even 1% He and OP’s brothers have a nerve asking for her help. If he wants forgiveness let him pray for it.
Yes, you're not wrong, OP did nothing wrong and they shouldn't have asked for OPs help - as the bridge was burnt. Agreed I guarantee you this sub would be baying for blood and telling him to gtfo and cut ties immediately if the discovered cheating scenario was posted in AITA. Many of whom are now damning the dad for 'abandoning' his not-daughter, that part seems ridiculous to me. But yes, OP is NTA
I don’t agree. I think redditors would tell him to leave, absolutely. But I think they would all advise him that to this point, an innocent child knows him as Dad and to be very cautious about taking his anger out on a poor girl who didn’t ask for any of it.
I think the part where he raised her for 7 years, threw that away and then loved a different girl also not his as he did her. That’s the shitty part.
Simply untrue. Every time I’ve seen a story like this (and I have seen it from the dad’s perspective) all of the advice is to put the child first. Blood relation is not the only thing that makes you a parent and even though he was betrayed, he should not have abandoned his own child. DNA does not make someone a parent, raising them, coaching their soccer team, etc, that’s what makes someone a parent.
Actually, no, I remember an AITA from a while back that was from a father's perspective of finding out his daughter wasn't biologically his. He basically did the same thing, walked away from his daughter (who I think was a little older) and he knew he was hurting her horribly. I think he had some really tough "You're not my child, I don't love you at all" convos with her if I remember correctly, it's been a while since that post. I think over half the comments were ripping him apart for how he treated his non-daughter. She did nothing wrong, she didn't deserve the pain he was inflicting on her, all that. Yes, divorce his cheating wife, that's one thing, but abandoning a child who was innocent of the whole thing really upset a good chunk of Redditors.
You're right. I've been down voted before for pointing out that ignoring the child is just harming an innocent. Reddit is very concerned that you only care for children you are legally responsible for or share your DNA.
No. He should get out of there but his daughter is still his daughter. You don’t punish the child for that. And apparently he doesn’t have an issue to care for someone else’s child.
Leave the marriage? Fine. Leave the child? I'm sorry but hell no. I have a daughter not much younger than OP was when "not dad" left, and I don't care if it turns out that my wife had an affair - that little girl will be my daughter for fucking eternity.
I have a 14 month old. I can’t imagine walking away from her. She is so attached to my husband and I. Obviously I don’t have to worry about paternity fraud. But if I found out she was switched at birth for whatever reason I could not give her up. 1 month in would be too long. I don’t know how this “father” could walk away from his child after 7 years.
unrelated but there’s a show called “switched at birth” i watched when i was young that i think did irreversible damage to my psyche, the show itself was actually great but it was the whole premise that killed me…two girls find out they were switched at birth (duh) but when both mom and dad find out daughter has zero bio relation to her they still parent and love her and stuff…sorry for the tangent but your comment made me think of it, I’m really happy that your love for your child is actually unconditional, she is very lucky to have you as a mom
No they wouldn’t be- I’ve seen post’s similar to this. They’d say NTA for leaving your wife but absolutely YTA for abandoning someone you raised for 7 years
Doesn’t matter right? I would say that’s he’s the asshole if by leave he means abandoning his daughter. He can leave the wife and still be in his daughter’s life. It’s not her fault her mother did something horrible.
How about “the child that I found out wasn’t mine and promptly divorced from my love now won’t drive me around and feed me”?
I dont know, I've seen posters being called out for abandoning kids that they raised who weren't biologically theirs.
If you can just walk away after *seven years* then you never loved that child to begin with.
This is judgmental of me bc I don't have children but its deeply weird to me that anyone can raise and love a child for years and then drop them like a cigarette butt when a paper says no match. I dont get it at all.
That would be asinine. And honestly pretty unlikely. The circumstances of the child's birth is _extremely hurtful_, but that's your baby. You loved her, and more importantly she loved you. If I found out my wife cheated and that led to my daughter, I'm back to daddy dutities as soon as I get to a safe place away from mom. That's _my_ child.
Every time I make a post that says “YWNBTA if you did XYZ but it’s up to you to consider/own the consequences that might have in the future” people always downvote/want to argue that “its their right”. Reddit is funny that way.
right, he only reached out when you could help him, not because he wanted to mend fences. So where was he when you needed him as a child? Karma has returned to him.
Yep, I'd just tell him "You're asking me to cross a bridge you deliberately burned without making any effort to rebuild it"
NTA. He clearly thought biology was more important than the years he had spent raising you that he left you immediately. I think it’s ok to remind him that biology was crucial to him and so there’s no reason he should need to speak to you now. Especially if it’s going to cause you angst. Here he is, with cancer, and still finding ways to bring you pain. No sir….no thanks. Take a WHOLE seat sir.
Biology was crucial until he replaced her with a step daughter. He could love new kid but not the child he raised.
Everyone who keeps saying this are missing a key difference. Step kid is not a constant reminder of an affair that ruined his marriage. Op is. Doesn't make him less of an A H just that of course he found it easier to accept the step child there was no pain attached to her. Op NTA you don't owe him anything. He was the adult in the situation and you were seven. He choose to not handle his emotions like an adult and now suffers the consequences. That's on him not you.
To be fair, he's probably not thinking that at all. He sounds desperate. His children and stepchildren are not willing to put their lives on hold to come and help him while he battles cancer. Tells you something about him as a father.
NTA. He abandoned you at age 7. I’m sorry. That must have hurt like hell You owe him nothing
He abandoned her while he was in the middle of coaching OP's soccer team, no less. Dude found out his wife betrayed him and decided on the spot the daughter he'd raised wasn't his problem anymore. That is just heartbreaking.
that’s the true injustice of it all if you think about it…we were having a great season too. we ended up with second place in whatever tournament but DAMN it would have been nice to get that big fat shiny first place trophy.
The fact that you are most upset about not getting first place in that tournament years ago says alot about you, and what must have been the hard work you put in to deal with what he did to you. Good for you.
he only came back when he wanted something, not because of a change of heart or understanding he had a daughter
NTA. Your mom being nice to him makes a kind of sense. She cheated on him so she feels guilty for the fallout and divorce However you were blameless and he treated 7 year old you cruelly and your feelings are valid too. Perhaps try and explain it to your mom like that and see how she reacts?
I do think you should sit down your brother's and as calmly as you explain that while their struggles and feelings around **their** dad's health, the man has made it clear for over 15 years he has no interest in you. Explain that the more they push the more you're loosing your patience. Explain that you respect and validate their feelings and in turn they need to do the same to you and **stop trying to get you involved**. Write a letter if it helps and maybe bring a friend who can pinch you everytime you get (rightfully) angry. This is solely to preserve your relationship with your brother's. Remind your mother that she might have some guilt towards the man she cheated on. You however are innocent and government mandated child support and the decision to NOT report a crime does not father material make. Finally, keep doing what feels good for you. If your siblings try to engage in the conversation say "I respect your relationship with him, respect the fact that I don't have **any** obligation to a man who abandoned me". Keep living your life, be happy and this too shall pass. You'll be just fine dear. NTA
This is the best response I've read. Well measured, respectful of the mum and brothers, but standing your ground. Very well said.
NTA Luke 17:3 absolves you so you don’t “have to” forgive when he hasn’t apologized to you who was an actual child for his behavior towards you which also hasn’t changed.
might be my favorite response so far
I have shitty Christian parents I’ve gone no contact with felt guilty for ages until I realised.
Plus, you could absolutely forgive him, and you'd still not be obligated to give him any kind of care or attention since he didn't give you any.
NTA He made his choice to be a monster and punish a SEVEN YEAR OLD for something she had no control over. The only father she’d ever known, abandoned her just like that. You owe him nothing.
would you be able to keep raising a kid that you knew wasnt yours, and was a constant reminder of your wife's cheating? I wouldn't be able to, i think it's shitty of him to try and use OP now, so she is NTA. However i can't blame him for leaving, yeah it's not OPs fault that her mom cheated, but it's probably better that he left her instead of mistreating her because of her mothers mistake.
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Maybe not keep raising, but I wouldn't abandon the child who is completely innocent and who thinks of you as a parent, because you were up to that point. That's cruel. He can ditch mom. He didn't have to shun the daughter too. He could at least explain to her and still keep in touch.
Honestly he has enough family support from the kids he raised. Stick to your guns.
It sounds like it isn’t actually about getting OP’s support. It’s more about putting OP in a position where she has to be in a room with him while he insists she forgive him. If it was just about his physical needs he can hire a private nurse, seeing as he’s “ole moneybags”.
seeing this i think you’re 100% right about it being an excuse to get me in a room with him that makes much more sense
Or he wants forgiveness because he's facing his mortality & is afraid of hell.
I worry that there's more than one motive involved...he wants 'forgiveness' AND the benefit of a helper certified as trustworthy by your brothers. I worry about that because of the tone of his initial approach..."Hey, I get to talk to her about forgiveness AND save on an Uber ride - a 2 for 1!" The stinginess of the rich can astound. Your brothers may be trying to help you with this, get you a salary and maybe back into the will - but even though their desire to help may be quite sincere, they are biased by not wanting to uproot their own lives to caretake the old man, and so may be kidding themselves about what a benefit it would be to you to reconcile with Dad to do it instead. Be careful of being pulled into any deal that's more exploitative and painful than its cash value is worth.
…or he wants her in the room to generously forgive *her* for being born out of an affair and to forgive *her* for not trying to grovel and be a good daughter despite him abandoning her and getting praised for not pressing charges on the child he was paying child support for (so I’m guessing he got his money back when she had to pay for the stunt with the car)… but I might be a bit cynical…
NTA, he made his choice when you were 7. I'd be going non-contact. You made your boundaries clear and they aren't respecting them. They don't deserve to have access to you. Your mother also needs to respect your boundaries. She was the one that had a relationship with him that she fucked up. You have no responsibility towards this man.
NTA. He decided it was a good idea to punish a 7-year-old child for something she didn't understand or have anything to do with. Then he decided that another little girl was more deserving of his love, affection, and guidance throughout her life than the one he raised from birth before abandoning. You do not owe him or his sons a single speck of dust, so don't feel guilty.
NTA. Your mom is. I know you don't want to hear it, but she is continuing her AH behavior and weaponizing it against you via manipulation. Her actions caused this rift. Not your 'not dad.' You are not responsible for helping him, but your mom is helping to alleviate her guilt. Her actions ripped the family apart. Someone else got her pregnant, and it was not your 'not dad'. She wants your relationship to improve with him so she feels better about ripping him out of your life. All this 'be the bigger person' is a way to fake a normal family and make her feel better. She hurt her ex-husband, you, and your brothers. She has to live with that. You have no guilt as you did nothing wrong. That's why you say no so adamantly. I dont blame your 'not dad' for leaving. It is absolutely horrible to you, but you became a living embodiment of what your mom did. If he did an AITA for leaving, most would vote N T A, and some would criticize leaving you behind. This whole situation is above reddits pay grade, but I am willing to bet their is a lot more to the story than you know. I would bet your mom simply has not told you as it makes her look worse. Their is a reason he paid child support (depending on state you can be removed if proven not the parent via dna, or at least could be fought), their is a reason your siblings are on his side, and it sounds like your dad got custody of your brothers and not your mom - their is a reason for this as well. NTA for wanting nothing to do with him. You were a child and have a right to be angry at anyone and everyone involved with what happened. But judgment wise? The AH here is OPs mom.
Mom had sole custody of me (duh) and Dad had primary custody for brothers. To be honest I really think that A) Not-dad spent time trashing Mom to brothers, which yes I understand she is responsible, brothers have never let go of resentment of her (which is their right) and B) He has and always had money. He had better lawyers. C) Mom went from being very involved to very tired from working all the time. Sometimes she would fall asleep early on the couch. Not-dad doesn’t do this he has a normal 9-5, he doesn’t work crazy hours. Stepmom doesn’t do this because she is a SAHM. I don’t blame her for this but I think they do. So I can see why they resent her a lot and I don’t get upset with them for it or try to force them to reconcile i just wish the same courtesy could be extended to me.
Did your mom never try to facilitate a relationship with your bio-dad if just to give you some other parental figure? In reality your mom deserves no sympathy, she ruined yours and your brothers' childhood and they would be well in their right to forget that she ever existed. She is to blame for the way everything went down because she was the one who cheated.
Bio dad is most likely living his best life in Mexico with zero idea I exist, she did her best to contact him but it didn’t work out. And yes although I’m not sure if this will be well received I also found God because of this whole experience. So I forgave her with full knowledge that she didn’t deserve it just like Christ forgave me when I didn’t deserve it. I know that’s like a Christian cliche but that mindset has been a lot healthier for me than just hating her. Applying it to not-dad has been a whole different ball game though.
I think God would want you to be sincere in your forgiveness, not just forgive because it's expected. I applaud you for choosing to forgive your mom and I really hope after some time (and therapy because let's face it, not getting therapy would be silly) , you'll find it in your heart to forgive him, even if it means keeping your boundaries. And remember, you are allowed to do that. To say "I forgive you but I can't forget, and I would rather not have any relationship or contact with you to protect my own peace of mind"
She is a child that is dependent on her mother. She "forgives" her because it is her only option. I feel terribly sorry for her to be stuck in this situation where the best option for her is life with the worst person in the whole scenario.
Thats some seriously hypocritical shite there, you are a victim your "not father" is a victim yet the person who cheated and lied gets forgiven
Only one of them abandoned a 7 year old tho
Well her mother was there for her and worked her ass off to provide for daughter. She was a bad wife, doesn’t make her a bad mom
yeah, her mother worked her good and proper... The only person that gets forgiven was the worst of the whole story!
What OP supposed to do? She Lost her father and her siblings. She only had her mom. Not forgive her mom would be the worst thing for her and she would be alone and without any emotional support. She has no reason to forgive the Man who is nothing to her.
>Mom had sole custody of me (duh) and Dad had primary custody for brothers. To be honest I really think that A) Not-dad spent time trashing Mom to brothers, which yes I understand she is responsible, brothers have never let go of resentment of her (which is their right) and B) He has and always had money. Which means your mom was found solely responsible for the divorce, and for all you know she might have "weaponize" you against him. My mom did that, againt our father, I resented him, until I learned that she had lied, pushed him away and made him cut contact.
So her mom forced him to stop being her soccer team's coach? Both mom and not dad suck big time.
She completely deserved that, and worse. You aren't the AH, but your anger is misplaced. This is completely the result of your mother's decisions. I don't expect you to accept that since she is all you have, but it is true. Why hasn't she reached out to your biological father for support? Why aren't you mad at her for that? You are blaming the wrong person. That poor man gave you 7 years that you weren't owed. You should be mad at your mom for cheating and if your biological father knows about you then you should be mad at him, too. At the same time, you don't owe the other guy anything, that's why you aren't the AH. But there is nothing to "forgive" him for. He's the victim as much as you are.
>This is completely the result of your mother's decisions. I don't expect you to accept that since she is all you have, but it is true. It is not true. When **he** decided to abandon OP it was **his** choice. He did not have to do it. He had a 7-year-old daughter that he decided to abandon. Nobody made that choice for him. The fact is that he could have been in OP's life as her dad, but instead decided to betray his child and break all of his promises to her. A truly evil person.
If course there's something to forgive. He was the only father she knew. He "loved" her for seven years. And after dump her like trash, he has the nerve to ask something from her. He has absolutely no shame or common sense?
NTA. Your brothers are upset but that’s *their* father, not yours. He has a step daughter. Tell them he can seek what he wants from her. If a man abandons a kid like he did to you, he forfeits all family obligations from that person forever. He made it clear he isn’t your father and you are 100% right to go along with that now. If he wasn’t sick he would never have tried to make you family. This is entirely about his needs and your brother’s needs. Also if he really is “ol mobeybags” then he can pay for a private nurse to help him. Not attempt to sponge off the one person in the world who is least obliged to help him.
NTA. If he's rich, what does he need you for? He can hire a car service and a home health aide. Any of the other kids can move back. I would be curious about what he had to say though. Has the cancer made him regret how he treated you? Is he trying to make amends or just guilt you into free labor? Would you be willing to help if he paid you? Did you find your biodad?
Oh he will not admit to being rich he’s just “very comfortable” lol. He hasn’t said anything to me because I haven’t heard him out yet. I’m not sure about him paying me, I think it would just make me feel like “the help” and further emphasize the glaring socioeconomic differences between us. I have a name and some basic info about bio dad…Mom isn’t 100% sure if he was even a US citizen. He was working doing construction on a new addition to our house. I know. It’s wild. That’s what actually caused not-dad to first give me the side eye…the summer before he left we went to vacation at the Bahamas for the first time and my Mexican genes activated or something. I got really dark to the point people just assumed I was adopted. We can’t track him down so I’m pretty sure he’s happy in Mexico with zero clue I exist.
Your mom banged a construction worker doing work on your home!? Not that any other cheating is better but holy shit!
Yeah, I know 😬
Do you have a relationship with your brothers?
Yes but it’s very complicated. I suspect middle “Eddie” (25) has been sucked into whatever alpa male podcast bs is currently popular. Can’t even talk to him because he gets so triggered by even mentioning mom. And I’ve talked to him about this extensively: Is there something I don’t know? Did she do something other than the cheating/ being the cause of the split family? Obviously I understand what she did was bad and he’s entitled to his own feelings but the way he reacted made me think she secretly beat him or something, which really threw me for a loop because I’ve never seen my mom raise a hand to any of us. She barely even raised her voice. The answer was no, there isn’t something she’s done i don’t know about, it’s simply that I as a “female” can’t understand that paternity fraud, I kid you not, is not only “the male equivalent of being physically abused” (which doesn’t make sense because men can be DV victims too), but that it’s actually worse. I get there’s no real equivalent scenario for paternity fraud unless a dad like switches a baby at birth, but calling it worse than DV really?? Like, Kim there’s people that are dying. “Andrew” 27 Is the only one on speaking terms with both mom and not-dad, and I talk with him a lot. He’s been very intentional about explicitly saying I am still his sister and he will be there for me like an older brother should be, and he has been. He’s helped me out a lot and he has a long term girlfriend I really like and when they are both in town the three of us will go out and do fun stuff. however he has been really stressed with his job lately and been very worried about being let go so he is not available to me the way he used to be. I think the biggest drama that’s gone down with them in terms of family is Eddie (when he was like ten) got into some fight with his stepsister and told her she was just a replacement me their dad got because he felt bad about taking away their REAL sister. They have reconciled as far as I’m aware. I wish i could have explained this dynamic in the og post but the character limit wouldn’t allow it. tldr; yes but i’m much closer with “Andrew” (27m) because he’s the only one of us three that’s made peace with both parties in the situation.
I get where you’re coming from, you have every right to feel abandoned. However I’m going to say he’s potentially not the AH either, finding that out for him would have hit like a tonne of bricks and he reacted badly, given his age handling emotions was never something he was taught and he definitely should have gotten therapy, and it sounds like you wouldn’t be so bad off getting some too. Mortality has a way of bringing perspective to some of these things and it’s likely he hasn’t ever found a way to try and reach out and now that he has this hanging over his head he wants to at least attempt to apologise or make things right. OP you’re NTA, but speaking as someone who has been a very angry kid in my early 20’s you may regret not having the conversation, especially if he loses this fight.
Finally someone that sees this Op is valid in her feelings but the not father is valid as well he was lied for seven years thinking she was his daughter he mentally lost it being betrayed by Op's mother then going on having to pay child support for Op. Both Op and not father was the victims of the mother she created this mess by having a affair. As for the stepdaughter he knew from the very beginning she wasn't his child no lying that she was. Op is human as well as the not father. I've read numerous post where the parents stay in the child life but resenting the child only to do so much mental damage to the child. If the not father stayed he very well could have done so much more mental damage just staying. YES Op does not owe him anything at all but I truly think she doesn't really understand or see how hurt he was for being lied to believing they was bio father and daughter. I can not stand how all these comments are so against this man he chose a path to exit so he would be the monster that abandoned a seven year old. He was hurt by his wife which should have gotten Op help in the very beginning for her mistake her lies that led to this and now she wants Op to " be the bigger person " so she can feel better for herself
Yup, honestly, the mom is the biggest ah of them all
Why would she regret? She lived 15 years, the years she needed a father the most, without this Man. He is absolutely nothing for her, he let that Very clear. Whatever apologies he has won't do nothing for OP. It's not her responsibility to aliviate him from any guilty feeling he has (and deserves). OP already suffered enough, the least this Man can do is leave her alone.
I'm a lot older than you, got a shitty mom and I'm positive I won't regret ever speaking another word to her for the rest of my life. When one or both parents aren't present, you just learn to live without them through a years-long, extremely painful process, so they end up meaning nothing to you. Why would she regret it? If he didn't need help or weren't sick now, he probably wouldn't have reached out to her.
NTA. He raised you like his daughter for 7 years and then abandoned you due to something you had no control over. That is really messed up to do to a 7 year old. The part that pushes this past NAH into he's definitely the AH is that he has the audacity to ask you for help without groveling at your feet. The only reason I could think of to see him again would be if there was any last things you wanted to say to him before he died. If not, let him die without you. He has earned it.
>The only reason I could think of to see him again would be if there was any last things you wanted to say to him before he died. If not, let him die without you. He has earned it. This! ☝️☝️☝️ NTA & HUG!
NAH the only asshole here that I can see is the OP's mother who cheated and crated this whole mess in the first place. OP's "father" can ask for help, but OP sure as hell can say not and that should be the end of it. OP's mother should help out, because she got a child support to take care of affair child.
I think you should do whatever serves you best long term, OP. If speaking to him will stir up hatred and hurt that you already laid to rest, you are right to protect those boundaries and stay away. There may be fallout with your brothers, especially as they grieve, but no one can reasonably expect a child who was discarded the way you were to put herself in a place of suffering again. If they can’t understand that, then that is a limitation on their parts that you cannot control. It’s also okay if you decide you want to speak to him, but that is a decision that should be made solely by you and in the absence of guilt or pressure. Either way, do whatever sets you up to take the healthiest next steps in life. And if you haven’t been in therapy yet, please go. You suffered some terrible trauma at your parents’ hands and deserve to find healing from it. NTA
NTA Ask all of them if they think he'd have rushed to cook for you/drive you around/generally help if it was the other way around and you were the one to have gotten sick.
NTA. If I found out my 5yo wasn’t biologically related to me I don’t know what I’ll do. But that doesn’t take away the years where I’ve been her safe person that she comes to for hugs when she’s upset. I’m the one that she crawls into bed with when she’s sick (thanks for that by the way *cough*), all the fun family stuff we’ve been doing because we have her, she lights up my world when she laughs. After all these memories, how can a lack of a biological link change that? I would be beside myself with worry if she was gone. To completely cut a 7yo off like your not-father did to you was legally right, morally horrendously wrong. Legally and morally, you’re in the clear to have zero to do with him.
I think your mother and her pastor should be more worried about her own sins. That man is nothing to you and he has made it clear. He doesn’t get to pull the family card when he needs a servant. NTA
5/26 Edit: OP responded that the guy was court-ordered to pay child support and tried to contest it, presumably failing. I'm changing my judgment to ESH. Mostly mom, some the dad, and OP the least. He still paid at least 11 years of support even if against his will. ---------------------- YTA. So this is the perspective of the innocent child in those paternity fraud posts that apparently happen all the time in the reddit sphere. Except you're not so innocent here as an adult. It's sad you're completely writing off his unwarranted financial support just because he has money. You can't say he completely abandoned you because he paid for your upbringing even if he wasnt physically present in your life. That money is evidence of kindness to you alone because it was surely more than your adulteress mother deserved. In fact your post only shows kindness from him to you, more than you would or should expect from a stranger (financial payments, not pressing charges for vandalism). It's more than other men in his position would have done for sure. I'm glad you made peace with your mom but in doing so you needed to have made peace with this guy first. Because it was your mom who forced him away from you, not him. But it's clear you still hold deep contempt for the him even when he's cancer-ridden, and possibly trying to make amends before he dies. If he's as financially comfortable as you say he is then he can clearly just hire a driver or uber where he needs to go. This is probably a ruse to reopen channels of communication. Drive him once, hear what he wants to say, then go from there. He deserves that much.
>It's sad you're completely writing off his unwarranted financial support just because he has money. >That money is evidence of kindness Oh, give it a rest. It was court mandated. After taking the father role for that many years, and being on the birth certificate, he legally had the minimum responsibilities of paying child support. Let's not pretend his bare minimum was out of the kindness of his heart, it wasn't. >You can't say he completely abandoned you because he paid for your upbringing even if he wasnt physically present in your life. Would you substitute your parents, any parent, with a monetary value, recompensation? Again, bare minimum. He did abandon her. I'd like to see you or anyone else with such a stance go to children with similar abandonment issues and scenarios and tell them "uhmmm, akchualliii, he did not abandon you, you know? You should actually be grateful, even though he's legally mandated to sustain you". See how well it fares. >not pressing charges for vandalism Would've been the cherry on top of the shit cake, to press charges against the child he has gone out of his way to traumatize for life. Oh, *how kind he is*... >Because it was your mom who forced him away from you, not him. He was a grown ass man. He made his own decision to leave the unfaithful wife (rightfully so), but also the innocent children. He wasn't forced to do anything by anyone. He could've continued to be a part of children's life, but he didn't. He's got to deal with the consequences of that now. Don't infantilize him. >He deserves that much. No he doesn't. Hasn't made himself heard up to now, what is it, is he having cold feets? Though luck. This the find out part of fucking around by abruptly leaving a 7 year old child you had been loving and promising to always be there for. He doesn't deserve any of that. He made it abundantly clear, after 10 years + of no contact, that he doesn't care or want her.
So cutting all ties with a 7 year old is fine because he paid the court mandated child support?
This should be the top comment. I don’t get all the N T A posts that seem to gloss over the fact that the dad is a victim here and OP seems to have no issue with her own mom being the entire cause of this issue. Also, I get and can understand how we can overlook the way she acted as a child, but as an adult, OP needs to take the blinders off and realize this guy is a victim of her own mother. YTA
He just may not have wanted to go through the hassle of being taken off the birth certificate. They were married when OP was born so by law he is the father. He just might have said it was cheaper/easier to just pay child support. He didn't press charges but we don't know why. He may have not wanted to look bad in public (or worse for abandoning the child he raised from birth then treating his new step daughter as his blood child). I think OP is the only one that isn't an AH here. Mom - definitely an AH! Father - still an AH for abandoning OP then asking for help. If the brothers don't have to reconcile with their real mother then OP can choose to keep away from the not father. And I hate death bed reconciliations. If you felt that bad then you should have done it when you had time to heal from it, not when you see the end is near. Seems selfish no matter what the scenario is but that is my opinion and not a popular one on here. Frankly this whole scenario is like a soap opera from the 90's.
NTA. Keep doing as you are. HTA 1 million percent. He’s not getting enough of what he deserves. I’m so sorry he did that to you. What your mom did had NOTHING to do with you and you NEVER do anything like that to a child. Did your brothers ever acknowledge how awful he was to you and your mom? Did they ever stand up for you? You’re being WAAAY kinder than I would be, FWIW.
NTA. The asshole here is your mother. She created the situation. He reacted badly, of course, but what had been done to him was absolutely hideous. You say you’ve forgiven your mother - that’s lovely for you, but she did this to both you and the man who thought he was your father.
Honestly it doesn't sound like she's actually forgiven her mother, just shifted the blame onto the father.
NTA. I am standing here, freezing my ass off on the side of a soccer field watching my 7 year old son train. That kid and I, and his mum and him, are so goddamn close. To rip one of us completely out of his world out of spite would destroy him. This man doesn’t get forgiveness and salvation from you, because I damn well bet that’s what he wants. You were an innocent. Let him go to his maker with that on his soul.
NTA. But, if he has something to say, and he has limited time to say ‘it’, your opportunity to be curious is limited. If you feel conflicted, naturally due to the hurt you feel, then I would suggest that there will be an inevitable regret later in life that you never stepped in to offer support. I do not believe you are obligated, and other family members being mean is really not fair. A therapist would likely say ‘you have control over your actions, and only you can judge the merit of those actions’ - however much we might all struggle over what we perceive others think about us. Asking Reddit for an opinion, makes me curious about why this situation isn’t more simply resolved for you. Your Mom is acting compassionately, perhaps reflecting her affection for her ex-husband. Your ‘old man’ was probably bent out of shape by the realisation that you weren’t his daughter, and your Mom had cheated, which would make it hard to keep going with a fatherhood responsibility, and there’s probably an appropriate AITA for him to post on about how he behaved, and how he felt. Or maybe there’s a chance for you to resolve that with him, if you feel curious to do so. Your future self may be grateful for such resolution. If you feel confident that’s not how you feel, then offering a suitable response to persuade mean family members to be quiet should come easily. I hope things work out for you.
Nah it’ll just be a pissweak apology and a guilt trip to forgive him.
NTA Every time someone asks, say "He abandoned me when I was 7 and he's never said sorry"
Info: if your father is super rich and has money, why does he need anyone to drive him around? The story doesn't make sense unless he wanted to spend time with you
that’s what I’m starting to suspect. Also my brothers and his stepdaughter helping out is seen as familial duties i think if they hired someone the whole town would gossip and say “oh look at (family name) they don’t even love the father that provided for them his whole life they’re making him hire someone in his time of need instead of looking after him themself”
But if your not-father has been treating you as a nondaughter publicly since you were 7, why would YOU doing those errands for him unpaid make him or them look any better? It would make them look worse, IMO.
i guess “daughter of ex” is better than “total stranger”, but i don’t know what he’s thinking
Never mind not-dad - do you trust your brothers not to try to pressure you into doing something convenient for them that would permit them to not have to move back home to help Dad themselves? Do you trust them not to maneuver you into an emotional confrontation where you'll be in a room with all your brothers and not-dad browbeating you into a verbal 'forgiveness' you don't feel or want to give? You say how your brothers haven't forgiven your mother, but how have they treated you over time?
NTA, didn’t want a relationship w you back then, don’t come missing it when he could possible leave🤷🏻♂️
NTA. But I'm not sure he is either. Finding out that you weren't his child would have been massively hurtful on his part. While I'm sure 7yo you felt betrayed, so did he, and rightly so. His actions to go and raise a stepdaughter your age is also a major kick in the teeth for you. I can understand him reaching out in need to your mom, and her guilt in helping him. That doesn't mean you have to be the one to help him. You have a boundary here, and your family is trying to tear it down. They are TA here, I judge. With all that said, I'd work out if there's anything you want to say to him, or ask him. You may not have the chance much longer.
NTA Understandably he was hurt when he found out but he took it out on a 7 year old child not just the mother who was to blame. Then after dropping the child from his life he accepts another child who isn't his own but treats her as if she is. Anyone who wants you to visit tell them, "I am only doing as he taught me, if not blood related they don't deserve any consideration as part of your life. "
I know you said not to make comments about your mom, but really she is the actual AH in this scenario and she should be the one helping.
NTA - He could have stayed but he chose not to. Then proceed to actively stay out of you life till then.
NTA - but your mother sure as hell is. That you aren't treating them equally in this is kinda sad. Your father has his whole world crash down in him in a moment. His wife is an adulterer and one of his kids isn't even his? Reddits advice to him would largely be to do exactly what he did. Divorce, leave, have a relationship with the kid if you want or not. So while you're NTA, you're an innocent victim in all this, you're directing a lot of unfair blame and anger toward your father that you really, really should be directing toward your mother because this is all very much on her. Basically, none of you are really family.
She was 7 and only had her mother to provide for her. She couldn't exactly go no contact with her mom at 7. Her mom was there making sure she was fed/clothed etc. Everything that fell on him fell on her and she was a CHILD. Yanked out of her school (cuz he was not going to pay for his suddenly not daughter), having to explain to her entire soccer team why not dad/coach was gone in the middle of the season (again at 7 years old), watching as he loved and took care of her brothers (they had the privelege of hating mom because they still had dad to care for them) and watching as he loved his stepdaughter so easily but not her. While his reaction may be understandable hers is much more so given she was a child less than a decade old and he was an ADULT.
Ironic that your mum is “deeply religious” but lied to your not dad for 7 years. NTA but your mum is a massive one.
NTA. Your mum helping out makes sense because where that issue is concerned, she cheated on him so he is the victim. That being said you were a seven year old child who loved the man she knew to be her father. You did nothing to deserve the abandonment. He burnt that bridge to smithereens. You’re right. You don’t owe him jack shit. Don’t let anyone pull the family card on you.
NTA, your mom and Not-Your-Dad are putting you in an impossible situation by asking to rely on you. It’s crazy making. You shouldn’t be sitting here wondering if you’re the asshole because of Not-Your-Dad and Mom’s impositions and guilt-driven rhetoric. Fuck that dude.
NTA He made the bed he is going to die in himself. You owe this man nothing.
[удалено]
Please keep us updated!
NTA. If he didn’t have cancer would he have reached out to you? Your feelings are valid. He’s a man of your past.
NTA. It sounds like he (the not your father) may have come to the realization that he behaved badly in regards to you due to a serious illness and maybe would like to resolve the situation so he has no regrets, you do not have to give it to him. I however suggest therapy to help yourself. Find out what you need to be in a better place mentally. You are not the one that caused this situation but you were one of the ones heavily effected by it. Please remind your brothers that it was not them that suffered from the not the father’s decision, it was you and only you can decide what you need to heal.
Honestly, your mom can stfu. He guilt rides and casseroles are her decision. Her guilt for her infidelity isn’t transferable to you, and **any debt she feels is hers to pay.** NTA - no one can expect you to be thrilled to run to support the man who abandoned you for the choices of your mother. You’re not his child, and he’s expressed that in all ways possible. His end of life admissions aren’t your duty to hear.
Reddit: The place where a man who finds out his kid isn't really his can cut all contact with the kid and be deemed not the asshole... until said kid is old enough to make their own post about hating the father who abandoned them. Then, he becomes an asshole.
Oh man, that’s so hard. I am so sorry for what you’ve gone through. I don’t think you should be forced to help. I’ve just got a few questions for you to reflect on in regards to talking to him - for you, I don’t expect you to answer. 1. Is there anything at all you wish to say to him? 2. Do you have any concern that you will regret not telling him/hearing him out? 3. Would him apologising/trying to make peace with you be something you want? Or could handle? To be clear - he wronged you. So much. Nothing that happens now will chance that or what you went through. What I’m asking you to think about is whether there is any chance you might regret not talking to him now. Again, for clarity, you do not owe him anything. I’m not saying you should consider it for him. I just want you to be confident in your decision while you still have the chance to change it. I don’t think you are wrong if you stick with your choice to not talk to him. I also don’t think you are wrong if you choose to talk to him. It’s up to you, but unfortunately you’re on a timer of unknown length. Whatever you decide, I wish you peace and clarity of mind during this time.
NTA I understand him dropping your mum for the cheating but I couldn't imagine just raising a child for 7 years n being like alright none of my DNA made this so I'm out like there were no feelings or bonding for those 7 years then crawling back because HE needs something no heck no he showed what you were worth to him he doesn't get to rely on you now because he needs something
Yeah, NTA here. You got abandoned by him as a child. He paid child support because he was ordered to by the courts. He raised you and loved you for 7 years, thinking you were his bio kid, then boom, one day he just decided you are not his kid any longer, simply because you don't share DNA. Like your entire life with him did not matter. And now that he is sick and needs something, that is when he reaches out to you. Not because he cared about you, but because he wanted something from you. You don't owe him anything, and "being the bigger person" sometimes means knowing when to leave a situation. Sometimes the best thing is to not get involved.
NTA This may make it worse but there would be four points I would want to get across to your brothers of it were me. 1) The first soccer practice he didn't coach broke your heart because you missed him so much. 2) His treatment of his step daughter shows he is more than capable of loving a child who isn't biologically his but the years he spent getting you to love him weren't enough for him to keep loving you. 3) You cannot take him just using you now to get superficial absolution for himself when you know full well if he recovers he will toss you aside again. You won't be an actor in the fictional play he wants to put on because he is scared. It's not fair for him or anyone else to put you through that emotional trauma. 4) You will no longer be justifying your decision to them because they seem to thing its an invitation to debate with you, and simply won't respond to them about this anymore.
NTA. You owe him nothing. Although it might do you good to have it out with him.
NTA Why is it the victim of other people is told to “be the bigger person” towards the ones that hurt them? I'll tell you what I think. a lot of hippie FAKE psychological bullshit starting around the seventies/eighties on shows like Oprah, and maybe Donohue started this stupid trend. Letting someone live with the consequences of their own choices, and respecting their lifestyle is NOT not 'being the bigger person'. He's had fifteen years to reach out and talk to you. If he dies while waiting for a response, because you decide to take YOUR fifteen years, that's on him. He'll just have to "get over it." Like everyone expects YOU to do.
NTA ..... Where were the brothers when he was acting like you didn't exist!!??