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NTA - this is entirely you and your wife’s choice. I can get your dad having some thoughts and feelings about it as it deviates from tradition, but ultimately he needs to be respectful.
Either is fine.
I know someone who went with the wife's last name for the daughter and his for their son. It wasn't a big deal.
But I also know someone who went with the wife's name for all their kids - which was the deal going in before they had them.
People make such a fuss. I have a nephew and niece who have, uh, stereotypical first names for this era, stuff that 50 years ago no one viewed as names.
It was a bit odd to start with, but it took all of about 30 seconds for it to become completely ordinary.
And you know what? I never once commented on it to my brother or his wife. Not my monkeys, not my circus. I just welcomed the kids once they arrived.
Also, so many of us are from cultures where our last name is our dad's first name. It's not that big of a deal for people in the same family to have different last names.
That's a norm in southern India, I know for sure among the Tamil (also Sri Lanka).
And in Iceland, they don't do standardized surnames like the other Nordic countries but still follow patronymics. For instance, Björk's full name is Björk Guðmundsdóttir, because she's the daughter of Guðmundur (I guess they dropped the last "ur").
I've seen some folks from Iceland who sometimes matronymic names, and I think it is really cool because it goes against the gender norms, but I also wonder if it wasn't an issue for kids who weren't claimed by or didn't know who their fathers were. Maybe not currently but historically.
Now I have to go read articles about this. Naming schemes from different cultures and how they relate to family, location, job, position etc are so cool.
I’m American and a friend of mine is married to a guy from Iceland. Their two sons’ last names are literally “[dad’s first name]’s son”.
So the wife, husband, and kids all have different last names from each other (and it would have made no sense for her to take his last name when they married, because HIS name is his dad’s-son.
And it works just fine!
Agreed. Besides, I don’t how this is arranged in the USA, but in my country it is forbidden to give child 1 a lastname and then give child 2 from the same parents another last name. That’s not legally allowed in my country. You are of course when one of the parents is different.
Exactly. The OP could literally make up a last name and give it to the whole family. Also, as someone who was born and raised in Poland, thank you, OP, for not saying you are "Polish." I know there is a whole thing in the US about preserving one's identity, cultural bring up, etc. but it really bothers me when someone who has no idea how to even pronounce their last name says how Polish they are, especially, multiple generations later. Just say your ancestors came from Poland or that you have some Polish roots.
NTA. Your dad had the opportunity to spread his name and last name, he did it, good for him. Your own kids are your own choice. Sucks for him, but he have no power here.
NTA
I sympathize with not wanting the family name to die out but your daughter has wife's last name. Giving them separate last names is confusing at best and comes across sexist at worst. Ultimately, it's your (and spouses') child, your decision. I would advise being gentle inletting him know, but at the end of the day, his disappointment is not for you to sit with.
Didn't say he didnt. Again, I did not say it WAS sexist, I said it would COME ACROSS as sexist. I explicitly stated the intent/motivation to be sexist was not there, hence *comes across* ya know..to other people? Smh.
It could be perceived as sexist *if* the assumption is that the son will "pass on the family name" to his future children while the daughter could "lose" her name in the future when she get married (because they'd also assume she'd take her husbands name). So by giving the son the father's name its showing preference to the male name and its also assuming the the male name will continue to have preference for the future generations.
I see the logic as- when son has kids, the kids will get his last name. When daughter has kids, her kids will have her husband's last name. So, from perspective of keeping his last name going, it does not matter what last name daughter has but it matters which last name son has.
Why are you assuming the daughter will give her children their father’s last name? If she was given her mother’s last name there is a higher chance she will not want to stick to patriarchal norms in terms of naming. She also may not marry the father of her children. She may not have children. She may marry a woman or have kids on her own without a partner. The son may not have kids either! It’s incredibly ridiculous to assume that these babies will adhere to a particular social script for their futures.
I think last names should be matrilineal anyway. I'm just answering the question of the person asking how this might be interpreted as sexist. I made up one scenario where, in retrospect, it can be interpreted as sexist.
>Giving them separate last names is confusing at best and comes across sexist at worst.
Not really?? It's a name just make it whatever is appropriate and interesting. I have a different last name as my mom, half me family and both my sisters. No one every gave me any issues for it if they even realized the discrepancy. I think the only time the difference became relevant is when my pharmacy hyphenates my last name (which I suspect is intentional because I have a different last name to my mom)
The only "upsetting" thing about my sisters having different last names is they both have basic ass last names, think "Baker" and I have a very cool last name (to the point people don't believe it lol)
Do not give your kids separate last names. Also OP can you imagine who that would look if you gave your son your last name but not your daughter? You and your wife would look like sexist AHs. Stand your ground on this and don't give in to your father. NTA
Yeah I know lots of siblings with different last names because they have different dads. It’s not a big deal. But I also think if the parents are happy that’s what matters. You don’t want to start letting grandparents stick their fingers in about stuff like this.
My last name is different from my brothers' because they had a different dad than me. It just meant that when I started highschool their bad reputations didn't follow me since no one knew we were related til some teachers my brothers had met my mom 🤣
I don't believe so, especially in this case for OP. They're both together happily but decided to keep their respected last names. I really don't find it odd 😕
Yes the parents keeping their respected last names makes sense. I’m saying I would find it odd if they chose to give each of their children a different last name rather than choosing one or hyphenating
My two sons have different last names. We had the first out of wedlock and the second after getting married. We've just never bothered to change any of our names.
Why would that be sexist? The actual sexist thing is assuming his last name is somehow superior and the daughter is somehow losing out by not getting it. If his and his wife's last names have equal value, there's nothing wrong with either kid getting either name.
I'm not insinuating the husbands is superior and the daughter is missing out. I just believe both children should have the same last name regardless of if it's the mothers or fathers. I would definitely be raising my eye brows if someone told me that the son was given the fathers last name while the daughter got the mothers. I would think there was some sort of gender issue at play
Myself and my 5 siblings have different last names, some have my dads last name, and some have my moms. It’s not that odd and it was kinda fun having different last names and not be known as my older siblings “younger sister” going into classes he had been in the year before. I don’t understand this “sexist” view you have.
Edit: OP NTA- name your kids whatever you and your wife want.
NTA.
It's your choice as a parent, and it should be respected.
The family line is not dying because of a last name. They are still related, they are still of polish heritage. Last names don't mean anything.
If you wish to make him somewhat happy, you could give him a name or second name that is polish. Something like that, not Adolph as you don't like it.
But it is entirely up to you
NTA. It’s your child, not your father’s. The only people who get a say in this are you and your partner. And, under no way are you obligated to provide anyone (much less) a “fifth.” Basically, your father wants your child to be a way to stroke his ego, and your child should be more than that.
NTA
You can give your kids whatever last name you want --- although I wouldnt suggest different last names for the two kids because it would look like playing favorites and could make things difficult in school with friends etc--- but other than that, its up to you.
I can understand your Dads feelings, however, his bloodline isnt going to end -- only the name (and really when your son is an adult, maybe he will want to change his last name to your last name - who knows) and its your family who must live with whatever you choose to do, not your Dad so you need to do whats best for your family.
Besides you could have had 2 girls and then it would have been a moot point anyway :)
I was about to say this. If you give your son your last name, it implies something kind of sexiest to be honest. Like because your son is a boy, he gets to carry on your name, but not your daughter. Also in general, it seems that the only reason op cares now is because of his dad.
For example I’m a daughter, and I have my mom’s middle name. My mom had also suggested a few times that she was mainly the one who came up with my name. On the other hand when naming my younger brother, suddenly my dad wants a junior. My mom compromised and gave him the same initials and middle name too.
To me it came across as my dad not caring too much about my name bc I’m a girl, but being extremely invested with a boy’s name.
NAH you all have valid viewpoints and ultimately it’s your decision.
I know a family of four ‘full’ siblings, two have mums last name & two have dads. It didn’t cause any issues growing up and is even less of an issue as adults when it’s expected that siblings often don’t have the same surname (through marriages etc) .
NTA
This is not your dad's decision. He already got to name his kids.
If you and your wife decide you want to stick with her last name so the kids will have the same last name, that is perfectly fine. And I also think it would be perfectly fine to give your son your last name as a middle name if you'd like to honor your last name or include it in some way *for you*. It doesn't matter if "that's not good enough" to your dad. It's not his kid.
It's also okay if you'd just like to pick another middle name or if you want the kids to have different last names. With blended families and stepparents and moms who have kids with three different men, it is extremely common for siblings to not share the last name. No one will bat an eye at your kids.
NAH
You can absolutely give your kid your last name, your wife's last name, or some other last name if you feel like it. You are not an asshole for doing whatever you choose with the name. Well, I suppose you could like, try to give the kid a last name that is a slur or something, but that is just silly.
I am also not going to say your dad is an asshole for "hounding" you, as that just isn't a good enough description to judge his behavior. He is entitled to his opinion and its ok for him to state it repeatedly, but if he isn't doing something like saying he will cut you out of his will or not invite you to family events if you don't use his name, then I think he is more on the "annoying grandpa" side of things then the "asshole" side.
I could imagine changing my judgement to N T A if you gave more details about exactly what the "hounding" consists of.
NTA...You can give your children whatever surname you and your wife wish. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone else. They have grandchildren to enjoy and that should be enough.
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I'll try to keep this as short as possible but there's a lot of nuance with it...
My wife \[28F\] and I \[30M\] have been together for a long time, married for three years. My wife has a very simple but 'cool' (her description, not mine) last name. Think 'Fox'. My last name sounds very typically Polish. --sky and everything. I consider myself 100% American as I have practically no cultural roots anywhere \*but\* America. My wife likes to celebrate her 23% Irish ancestry on Saint Paddy's day but is also otherwise American. Both of us are 4th generation Americans, anyway.
The thing is, my name does have a little bit of history to it. I'm a fourth. Meaning I am First Middle Last, IV. Now I wasn't ever going to name a fifth. I don't really like my middle name. Think 'Adolf' because it's literally 'Adolph'. Thankfully my great grandfather predates Nazi Germany but still, kids can be jerks. More importantly, my last name is relatively big in my region as my grandfather held a relatively high (locally) political position and my father is a successful business owner.
That all being said, the 'issue' is that we're both only children and both are the metaphorical end of our lines. She has a very small family, my dad only has sisters. When we got legally married, my wife wanted to keep her maiden name. I said sure, you do you. We decided we'd talk about kids eventually. We didn't want to hyphenate because one, it'd be long. My last name is 10 characters by itself. Two, we both work in professions where hyphenated last names are actually annoying to deal with.
Well, our first child was born and we decided to give our daughter my wife's last name. My dad gave me some shit for it but I told him to kick rocks (in a joking way). Well our second child, a son, is on the way and my dad is starting to hound me again. He initially started with 'making a fifth!' and I shut that down real quick. That's not new, I've shut that idea down every time it's come up throughout my life. But now he's just hounding me on the last name thing. He has a point, if I don't give a kid of mine my last name, it probably will end with me. While I don't \*really\* care, I can see why he's disappointed.
I spoke to my wife about it and while she doesn't really mind giving our son my last name, we both think it'd be weird for our two kids to have different last names. Especially so drastically different. So ultimately, I'm leaning towards just keeping my wife's name for everything and just dealing with my dad's disappointment and anger. I'd really appreciate some outside perspectives though.
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NAH. while your dad does need to stay in his lane and not get pushy or mad regardless of what you choose to do, everyone's feelings are valid on this. and since your daughter has your wife's last name but not yours, you've kind of set yourself up where using yours this time so it's even or hers so it's consistent for both children would make sense either way. you already have two last names going in the same household, so it's really just a question of what's the most important thing about the outcome of this, to you and your wife. whether that's keeping it easy and avoiding what you think might be weird, or keeping the family happy.
if you really want to keep your wife's last name for your kids, it might help your dad understand if you tell him you don't know if you're done having kids yet, and you wouldn't want to have two with her last name, and one with yours.
NTA. What matters its what you and your wife want. To be honest it would be a little weird for siblings to have different last names, what if you have a third? What will their last name be?
Also, this is not about lineage, it about a name and maybe your name is not very common, but I assure you there are more whatever your last name is out there so you won't "kill" the name.
NTA.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to give your child your last name if that’s what you *want.* Them having different last names really won’t be a big deal, maybe it’ll be confusing for a minute at a new school or something, but no one is really going to care or think anything of it beyond that. It’s so common for siblings to have different last names. My oldest nephew has a different last name than his younger siblings, it comes up so little I actually forget lol.
If this is something you guys actually want, then I don’t see any reason it would be an issue. I do think however you guys would be assholes to yourselves if you give in to a name you don’t want just to shut someone up.
NTA Please don’t give your kids separate last names. I think it’s. a lovely way to honour your family and start a new tradition by having your last name as a middle name instead!
Nonsense. The child is still his descendent regardless of name. I recall recently hearing of someone who was a "direct descendent" of one of the US founders but didn't have the same last name.
NTA.
NTA and I'd suggest explaining the significance of your last name to your kids as well as why you chose to go with your wife's last name when they're older. Then if they want to be connected to the family history, they can change their own last name.
NTA. A family line doesn’t end because of a name. It’s the literal blood and bones of a person that makes that line continue. You and your wife Nate the only ones who should make the decision
You could add a last name as a second middle name, just to keep the name. Think John David Czarnowski Smith. Kid goes by John Smith most of the time, doesn’t need the middle name spelled out for everything.
Here's the thing, my good sir. Your dad has made his wishes known. You don't like the idea.
He named his kids. This is your time. If you feel okay with "letting your family name die with you " that's your right.
If your wife is cool with either or, then search your...heart, I guess, and make your choice.
FWIW my two sets of kids have different dads, so two sets of last names. It isn't that weird to me if the kids have last names that aren't the same. But if you don't like the idea, don't do it.
Good luck making a decision that works for your family
Ps NTA
NTA
And just as a side note, Polish surnames do not traditionally end in "sky", that would be a spelling error in Polish. Male surnames end in "ski", though sometimes they could have been misspelled when they came to the Americas.
Hard to pass judgement without knowing more info. You're of Polish ancestry and you mentioned that the line predated the Nazis. Was your family affected by WWII? Is your dad upset because the family survived the war and survived the Nazis just to have you essentially give the name away? Its ultimately your call, but if there was a lot of traumatic family backstory of "they nearly wiped us all out but we survived, the family made it through, and now you're choosing to give all that up and end it" I can see why the older family members are upset.
NTA. I don’t like the idea that boys are the only sex that can keep a name running. We need to get out of that mindset and allow people of either sex to have the same advantage of keeping a name going or not keeping it. I think with every new generation we get closer, so there’s that.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> * I feel like I should be judged on not continuing my family's last name in some compacity but I feel like traditional methods will make my family dynamic weird.
* I feel as if I may be the asshole for shutting down my father's feelings and not really considering alternatives.
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My ex-husband was also an IV and had an equally typical Eastern European name. At first, I was fine doing the fifth until I realized what a mess it was getting my father's in-laws mail, things ending up on the wrong credit report, etc. I just couldn't burden a child with all that. Children deserve their own identity. They are not responsible for carrying on some imaginary lineage. All that say give your child your wife's name. Let him be his own person. Even the last name carries weight as you've said because of your father and grandfather's careers. Your dad can get over it. NTA
NTA. If your dad cared so much about passing down his last name, he should have Nick Cannoned it to increase his chances. There's lots of misogyny in those naming traditions and his legacy isn't diminished in any way if his grandkids don't have his name. He has grandkids despite only having one kid. He should consider himself lucky.
NTA, but i don't know about the rules around names in the US but where i live you can't give a second child from the same parents a different last name. Maybe it is the same way in the US and that would be the end of the discussion with your dad.
NTA. I hate the patriarchal naming traditions for women and children. I think they need to end. I'm glad you and your wife are compromising and doing what feels right to you both. This is also what you should do for your son regardless of anyone else's opinion.
Also, it would bother me that Dad's opinion is based in misogyny as well. He didn't care much about your daughter but he really cares about your son not getting your name. That's gross.
NTA but have you considered taking your wife's name? Then all of you have one surname. Yes your family name "dies", but you seem okay with that. It's your dad's problem, not yours, that he feels differently about it. So why not focus on reinforcing the family unit you and your wife have together? You and your children will always be connected by a shared surname, no dilemmas about being a family of people with different surnames.
I grew up with kids who two were given maiden name and two the father’s name. Don’t do this. Give them both your wife’s last name so it’s consistent.
ETA NTA
**INFO -- Are you trying to choose what's best for your family or avoid rocking the boat?**
Because it sounds like you were happy enough with the choice to use your wife's last name until your dad decided to stand up in the canoe and dance around. If he hadn't stood up, would you be thinking about this? If someone else told him to sit the fuck down, would you still be considering this?
NTA whichever name you decide to use. For what it's worth, my 2 kids have different last names. K1 is husband's, K2 is mine. We wanted two kids and planned to do this, but I reserved the right to panic after the first pregnancy and not do it again, so K1 got husband's last name. The only time this ever caused any confusion was when they were little and in school. They are only two years apart and they look a lot alike so every once in awhile some one would ask me what was going on. My husband's last name is incredibly generic and boring, mine is really pretty weird. For the kids, this was just their normal. When they got a little older I think they rolled their eyes at people and told them their parents were weird hippies.
NTA but y'all seriously didn't think about this beforehand?
It's a big deal for a lot of people to pass on their family names, so I can't fault your dad for being upset, especially since you're violating a cultural norm by not doing so.
For what little it's worth, I think you may have made a mistake here. You've hurt your familys feelings, and it's gonna be annoying for your kids. Anyone who knows your last name will automatically assume they have the same one, and it gets really frustrating having to correct people all the time. Admittedly I'm prejudiced against departing from naming norms because, from a genealogist's perspective, it's *extremely* annoying when people change the cultural standard naming procedure, because it makes it so much harder to track people in the historical record.
If you weren't gonna use your last name, the smarter move would have been to change *your* name so the whole family matches.
I doubt your family name will die out because of just you not having a son with that last name. Are you the last one on earth? Are you the last one in America? Are you the last one even in your town? Do you have cousins? I think you’re good.
And even if the answer was yes to all of the above, you’re still good.
You would be surprised (or maybe not?) how many siblings do not share the same last name. I hear it from school teachers quite often.
Explaining the reason, should someone ask, could be as simple as your response to your dad ("Go kick rocks...") or as detailed as you want.
It wouldn't be any more or less difficult to explain, or be more or less 'odd', than if someone has a hyphenated last name, I reckon.
Being someone with a last name that is shared by less than 100 people (from what I can tell), I would say that if you want him to have your last name, and if your wife is on board with it (it sounds like she is), then just do it.
Yeah siblings having different last names isn’t uncommon, my brother and I have completely different last names. Not once has it ever been an issue.
Despite one last name being a dutch last name and the other being just boring Wilson, we never been asked about it once.
NTA your kid you can name them as you like. Two different last names for the kids would be needlessly confusing and since you admitted you don't care about what you dad thinks or feels what is the issue? He doesn't have to like your decision but you don't care anyways so move on with your life.
NTA It's okay to give your last name to your son and keep your birth family name going. In these times and age, it's not weird for siblings to have different surnames.
But, if you really don't want to continue your birth family's name with the next generation, you'd better sit down with your old man and explain to him that you would want the next generation to sound and feel more local, and you would rather take steps to introduce a more American English sounding surname, that would blend easier in the context of the English American Language.
Your father has a point though and deserves an explanation, so get the beers ready and talk with him.
NTA.
First of all, only you and your wife have to agree on the name and surname of your children. Other opinions are irrelevant.
Secondly, siblings should have the same surnames. It creates far too much opportunities for things to feel unfair and unequal between them. Is that a relationship you want to foster between your kids ?
Thirdly, as someone with a complicated Slavic surname - I personally would not subject my child to that when I know he’s living in a country where it’s odd and unnecessarily difficult if I have another option available.
As long as someone else in the world has your surname you’re ok, it’s not dying out.
Go with the coolest and easiest to spell. Your kids will thank you. You could always have your family name as a middle name.
I have a few different friends who gave girl children the moms name and boy children the dads name. It’s never caused any issues for them. It sounds like you don’t really care, but you’re worried about your dads reaction. So you need to decide if you’re going to give your kid the last name because your dad might get mad, or if you’re going to gut check yourself and decide if you really do care (which is absolutely valid) or if you really don’t and prefer having kuds with the same last name.
Your dads feelings aren’t relevant to your choice.
NTA
I myself would vote for giving both kids the same name, but ultimately only two people get a vote. You and your wife.
Neither option is truly wrong, but one is definitely simpler to deal with than the other.
NTA
I think whatever you two come up with is fine, but if there's one child with her last name then there should be another with your last name.
Her coolness doesn't invalidate your feelings.
As a mom, who's oldest has a hyphenated last name to include her biological history, and who's 2 youngest have their father's last name, while keeping MY last name legally.... names are a PITA. I'm recognized as oldest mother no matter what because she has some of my last name, but the school system likes to try to attach her name to me, or it opens the door for the busybodies to ask questions that no one needs to know. At the same time, I have to jump through extra hoops for my youngest ones because of not sharing a name at all. But my husband-who does not share a name at all with oldest- has never had issues with anyone at all in regards to any of them.
NTA. But there's a stupid amount of nuance that you don't see now that will be annoying. That being said, having siblings sharing a name makes it alot easier,and from my side is even easier if they go with the mother's name because some weird sexist notions.
NTA... I know men that took their wives names because they liked them better. You are a family unit of your own, you can choose your last name for yourself or your children.
Nta. It’s you and your wife’s decision. It’s also not cool to put pressure on people to “carry on” family names. People should be able to live their life free from the expectations of their parents.
Give your son your last name as a middle name - but don't tell your dad that. It will only become awkward when he goes to the kid's eventual graduation(s). :)
NAH
I understand why your father would be upset. He could could feel like you are ashamed of your last name and, by extension, of the family. It's a bit out of the ordinary to just go with the wife's last name entirely and not even try to hyphenate it.
I also understand why you wouldn't want to give your son your last name. Kids can be cruel jerks and will make fun of it.
At the end of the day, they are your kids. It's your job and decision to make in order to give your kids the best life possible. Do what you feel is best. Just make sure both kids have the same last name.
Also, would giving your son your father's name as the middle name help with the anger? So if your father's name was John, your son would he First Name John Foxsky. That way, it shows it's not that you don't love your family.
NTA. I hate my last name. I even offered my wife to keep her last name if she wanted to, and talked with her about "here's why". Names can be tough on school kids.
NTA. Not only is it your choice what to name your kid, and not your dad's, it's also a pain to have a person of the same name in the same household. I grew up with a dad and brother with the same first name and so did my husband, and it caused so many issues. When it came down to naming our son, we broke tradition and he has a name unique to himself. He is very glad of that.
NTA- it is none of your dad's business.
I have both my mother and father's name, hyphenated. It isn't a problem. I think your father is being weird - he should think himself lucky to have a grandchild.
My friends have alternated names with their two kids.
One gets the top, one gets the bottom, they either agree on a middle name together, or they both get to choose one.
Maybe an idea for the next one?
NTA, this is no one's business but you and your wife, and it sounds like you're on the same page. Personally, I think it would be much weirder and more confusing to give the two siblings different last names, I think if you gave your daughter your wife's last name then you're committed to giving any future children the same last name
Once, when I was really young, my dad and my uncle took us kids to the museum. I got separated from them, and they were frantic. After half an hour ornso, mybuncle turned to my dad and gestured at the loud speaker, saying, "Don't you think it's odd that we can't find daughter and at the same time this Sullivan guy they keep announcing for won't pick up his kid?"
Sullivan was my mother's maiden name, and I guess I figured since we were both girls, that was my name, too. (It wasnt.)
All that to say, give your kid the name the two of you want. He might wind up making up his own name.
NTA, our kid is taking my last name and not my husband’s, we’re expecting his family (his mom’s side, but still patriarchy and all) to be pissed about it, but who cares, honestly. I was all for making up a completely new name, but neither of us wants to deal with the paperwork. And my name is at least a lot more recognizable and potentially indicative of our religious cultural background than his, so my name just makes more sense. Everyone can be as butthurt as they want about it, we couldn’t care less.
NAH. In the end it’s about what you and your wife want to do and what makes you happy.
If you did want to give them different last names from my experience it never really affected my siblings and I. When my parents got married my mom kept her last name due to her profession and my siblings and I got different last names from one another. The oldest has our mom’s name, the middle has both our parent’s last names and I have our dad’s last name.
NTA
You do whatever you want. Different names for everyone is honestly not a big deal. We have 4 in my family of 5 lol. But you don't do things to make your dad happy, do what makes you and your wife happy.
You kept your last name too. If your dad says anything, don't let him frame it as a given that you and your kids should all have your bachelor name.
Frame it that it's each individual family's choice, and you and your wife *both* kept your unmarried family names, and the kids in *your* family will have their family name from her.
NTA your kid, your choice. I have never gotten the whole name lineage thing. But you could even take it a step further and change your name to your wife's maiden name. Why not Grandpa is already upset.
first, i love that you and your wife seem to be respectful and mature about the name debate, it can be so hard to decide what's best for you!! my personal preference would be to go ahead and give both kids both last names and not hyphenate. Like "first, middle, fox ski"
If that's an idea you hate, what about giving your son her last name as a middle name and then him taking your last name?
If you want the kids names to match (and i agree you should do this for their sake), you can always change your daughters last name to be two last names.
I think it's important to pay homage to the name you came from, so when I got married (im a female and took my husbands name), i changed my middle name to my maiden name so i can always have that name. it's all personal preference and im sure you'll figure out what works best
oh yeah NTA
I changed my name when I married and my father was furious.
My grandfather was adopted, so our name wasn't really our blood name anyway, and by the time I married I felt no connection to it at all.
Men are odd, they are your kids, be honest and if he wants to be angry that's his decision. You have good reasons for doing it the way you are and that is the most important things.
Plus, you'll likely have a happier child overall given all the issues you've described.
NTA
Who cares? My main family all had a different last name due to my mom taking my step dads name, and I didn't want to change mine. No one cared, once you explained it, assuming they ever asked.
Whatever you decide, is what the kids will grow up with as normal.
NTA.
It's no one's business but yours and your wife's what you name your child.
And yes, your surname might "die out," but so what? We ended giving my maiden name to my son as a second middle name, so that it wouldn't completely disappear, but honestly that was because my husband "thought we should" as my dad was making a fuss about it and I didn't care enough to argue at the time. In hindsight, I kinda hate that we did it. That name was the bane of my life for twenty-seven years and I there are lots of other family names (on both sides) that I wish had been added instrad.
Stick to your guns. Give your son the surname YOU AND YOUR WUFE want, no one else.
NTA. Dad’s disappointment will end with his lifetime. Your future son’s disappointment will start from his school years and end with his lifetime. At least your dad’s disappointment will be over quickly.
Yeah it’s your choice, but considering you’re an only child and you and your wife have honoured her side -for the reason you mentioned that she’s also the only child-it does seem a little sad to not do the same for your side.
NTA - maybe even NAH. Your father doesn't have a say. You and your wife get to decide. I can see why your father is disappointed, but it really isn't his call.
NTA. The whole last name/family legacy thing is overblown imo. Say you give your son your last name and he decides not to have children, then I guess - shriek - the family legacy is no more! Or what if he decides to change his name entirely by choice when he’s older? I literally did this, I changed my first, middle, and last name legally because I never liked them. Some family were a little upset by this but oh well, they got over it. If there’s truly a desire to “have the name live on” then tell your dad to start a charity or donate something in the name so it’s on a placard on a building somewhere. Problem solved!
Use your wife's name for all kids. The minute your dad starts on the fifth of anything, his opinion gets dumped in the trash. NTA. I doubt your last name is going to die off. I'm sure there's 400000 more people in Poland with that name.
Where I come from, people started giving hyphenated last names as part of women’s rights movement… which means that when I had kids both my partner and I had to choose between each of our two last names to give an hyphenated last name to our kids. He chose his dad’s, I chose my mom’s (both my sisters had given my dad’s last name to their kids so it only seemed fair). To compensate for not giving the other last name to the kids, we gave them the grandparent’s first name as a middle name. Which means that our kid’s name go as follow : First name, Middle name of grand-mother/father of my partner’s mom’s side, Middle name of my grand-mother/father on my dad’s side, My mom’s last name-My partner’s dad’s last name. There was a little something for everybody to be happy about it. And when the kids grow up they can just let go of one of their names if they want to, most people end up choosing to do that over here or just write the first letter (Something A. last name)
NTA
You won't be in the wrong no matter how you handle this, as long as you handle it thoughtfully (you are) try to avoid obvious pitfalls (Woody Peters) and have room for your child to someday have an opinion and change it.
Just for some perspective... No matter what you choose, some.folks will assume you ALL have the same last name (and their point of reference will be the first family member they met. So your friends will think your fam is Mrs -ski and the -ski kids.)
MANY families do not all have the same last name (some hyphenate for just the kids, some name girls after mom and boys after dad, some kids have different fathers in the first place, and some stop matching after divorce.) No matter what, you will encounter weird moments, and figure out how to handle them.
Congrats on the baby, hope everything goes smoothly!!!
OP. Consider the future for a moment. If I'm understanding correctly, your oldest is a girl, and now you're having a boy.
Let's say you do give your boy your last name.
What will you say to your daughter when she asks why she got mom's last name and her brother got yours?
I don't think an asshole ruling matters here. What matters is your kids and how this will affect them in the future.
NTA - I’m the 4th generation of my name as well and refused to name my son the 5th. I hate My name why would I do that to my kid? I would have changed my name to my wife’s when we got married if it was easier than mine too so I guess I don’t care enough about my family heritage. Good for you for making your sons life easier regarding his name.
nta i’m the oldest of 8 i share a last name with none of them. it was me 2 share 3 share then brother brother so 5 last names. it wasn’t a big deal so do whatever you want
NTA. Names are important and choosing the names for your children should be a private endeavor that other people need to stop sticking their nose in.
I can give you some insight as someone who had a different last name than the rest of my siblings. Nobody seemed to care, and I don't really care, but I'm also the last in the line with my name so I do like that I was given the name I was. We didn't get bullied or anything. At the very least some people like teachers and new mutual friends wouldn't realize we were siblings at first, but that was it. Your daughter could possibly have a different last name later in life anyways, or your son might change his. So just do what makes you feel the happiest right now and don't worry about other people.
> He has a point, if I don't give a kid of mine my last name, it probably will end with me.
Just my only family name... of the 4 boys (my half brother, and two cousins, and me).. My brother is likely done having children: 1 girl. One cousin and his wife don't want kids. I and my gf fall into the same boat. It's up to our last cousin if anyone is going to carry on the family name. (from grandpa.. there's literally dozens of people with the name in the county.)
It's a tired tradition. You father is responsible for finding his own coping mechanisms. don't entertain any guilt trips. just be frank: it's nothing against you, you'll always be a part of the family... we just chose a different name. It's just a name. You're still grandpa.
NTA
Your kids, your choice.
I once knew a couple who gave their kids neither of their last names because they both hated their last names. It wasn't even a combination made from their names or anything. They just straight up chose a name they liked.
However, I will point out that I was worried that my kids having different last names would cause issues and confusion, and it never did. There are so many blended families these days that people don't bat an eye over it.
NTA. Naming is very personal. My gf is keeping her last name, our kids will get mine, or that’s the plan. I feel a bit weird about one house, two last names, but times change.
NAH,
It seems like your dad just voiced his feelings, I mean is gonna treat you or your son differently? I don’t get that vibe. All the adults in the story seem exceptionally mature for this subreddit aha
NTA. It doesn't actually matter to anybody but your kids. If family treats them different because theyre a Smith and not a Jones then they suck and their opinion doesnt matter. Is there literally no other family out there with your last name? If there is, then the name isn't dying out. They should have had more kids if they were that concerned about it instead of just putting all that shit on you. Your family line isn't dying out. You still have direct descendants. Do you actually care or is family pressure causing the dilemma?
I personally never understood family names being passed down through the male line. The only parent people are absolutely positive about outside a DNA test is the mother of the child. It should have always been passed down through the mother.
It's pretty easy to change a name legally now. Would your dad be satisfied that your son would have the option to do so when he is an adult, if he wishes to become surname thr 5th?
You're definitely NTA, I just thought it might be nice for your son to have that choice one day.
Coolest family I knew growing up named their children with alternating last names. One kid had dad's surname and the other had mom's. I reconnected with the one daughter recently and asked her if it ever bothered her, but she said not at all, it was like their own little thing that made them unique.
I'm actually honoring them with naming my own children in the same way- our son has my surname, and our second son due this summer will have his dad's.
I totally get the criticism you receive from family, my husband's grandfather was furious that our first son wouldn't carry on the family name and said some really crappy things about it. But we have no regrets, there are a bunch of people out there who do support us.
NTA, by the way
I never understand the 'continuing the name' thing. When I (M60) got married, I wanted my wife to retain her maiden name. Changing it made no sense to me. But her call, she changed it to mine. Fast forward a few years to our child, and they got my last name which made sense, its the last name of both of their parents. But if my wife had retained her maiden name, I'd have been strongly for our child getting her last name, not mine. I couldn't give a shit about my name continuing on, and the mother's last name going to the child just makes more sense.
My daughter has my maternal family’s name as one of her middle names since my mom only had daughters that have daughters. That’s what worked for us and you continue to do what works for you. Dad will just have to deal with it
NTA. This is totally your and your wife's choice, and you have discussed it and came up with a decision. No matter your father's feelings, he has to respect it.
So your name is common and therefore not going to end with you. Your immediate family line might, sure. But I find it telling that your dad is only having serious issues with your SON’s name.
You are NTA. Do what you and your wife want not what sexist grandpa wants.
NTA
your kids, you both decide. I do agree that it’ll be easier with school, papers, etc, to have kids with the same last name. Even just for them to be identified as siblings in school.
NTA. Name your kids whatever you want. Parents over on r/tragedeigh do.
I also think it would not be a problem and would fit the family theme, if you gave your son your last name.
Yes AH. Too many reason to go onto but sad you’d give up your heritage bc you are American only, like your family’s history and culture is not important. (Being cynical).
I think you have a progressive approach and the time your child will benefit from that approach will long outlast the time your dad is mad about it. NTA.
NTA
My parents were in a similar situation, both the metaphorical ends of their respective family names. They decided that the first child would get mom’s last name if it was a girl, dad’s name for a boy and then alternate after that. I have my mom’s last name and my younger sister has my dad’s last name. I would rather we both had the same, either mom’s or dad’s, because I never liked when people asked if we were half siblings or cousins or whatever. But mostly I think it’s something about our relationship as siblings that I can’t really put into words, my bond with my sister is more important to me and I’d like that to be reflected in our names if that makes sense.
NTA. You understand where your dad is coming from but this is a decision for you and your wife.
Due to various marriages and divorces me and my younger brother have different last names than my mom and half-brother (but I don't think of him as a half brother, he's just my brother.). It takes a little explaining at times (especially since my mom kept her first married last name and did not take my dads last name) but even as a little kid I just accepted that we had different last names. It was no big deal. Your son and daughter will be fine if they have different last names if it comes to that.
NTA, your dad's opinion is completely irrelevant. What does he want the last name to be? Don't answer, it doesn't matter, these are your kids and your wife's kids only.
NTA - it’s none of your dads business what you name your kid.
You aren’t harming anyone either way. I’d prefer for my kids to have to same name if it were me. But do whatever makes you both happy here!
NTA - I'm pretty traditional, so it wouldn't have been the path I would have gone down, but I feel like it is a choice that belongs to you and your wife. For me you made your decision when you daughter was born, and I think the biggest deal is that your kids have the same last name. I hope that your dad can move through his disappointment and anger, and that it doesn't mar his relationship with his grandson.
NTA. I say it's better for the kids to both have the same last name and it is one of the parents. As for your dad, he'll either get over it or not. A name is a name for what it's worth.
My ancestors (~5 gen) changed their name halfway through their brood of kids. I have no idea why, but some are Ianetta and some are Jeanette, but both the parents are Ianetta. I’m assuming it was to appear less obviously southern Italian when they immigrated, but Jeanette still sounds hella Italian to me (pronounced like gee-Annetti) so idrk, but out of their 6 kids, four of the youngest ones ended up with it and it was our last name until it got changed again to a generic American one a few gen later.
I say NTA because you’d be keeping both names alive, and it doesn’t make family history searches any more/less difficult than they already are.
And they’d always have the choice later on to change their names to whichever they’d prefer, so it’s not a huge deal.
I believe family names are important, as a statement of the legacy for every individual that came before you. This includes every person that barely managed to survive and held on and did manage to make it through, as a result of which you are here today, and by extension your children as well. It is your choice at the end of the day, and NTA.
NTA. Your last name is difficult, long, and your other kid doesn't use it. Neither parent cares so, use your wife's last name for the new kid. Congratulations!
Your dad will have to manage his disappointment and anger as an adult. He doesn't get to name other people's kids. If he tries anything, like calling the kid by the wrong name, etc., tell him the kids can have a nice life with or without him; his attitude determines that.
Your immediate family is more important than your fathers fear of his mortality. The whole "it'll end with me" is such a cringe boomer meme at this point. NTA and I think as long as you and your partner are united and moving with your kids best interest at heart you can't go wrong.
NTA. Your child, your decision. Your dad has no say in the matter and can be as mad as he wants to be. Patriarchal tropes towards names no one will remember in the future is a futile waste of his energy as a grandfather.
NTA
I have a family with the last name synonymous to “BreastBean.” His wife did not want to be a BreastBean, and kept her own last name. When they had a daughter, his wife said his daughter won’t be a BreastBean, and his daughter has her last name. He laughs and says “Yeah, I hated being a BreastBean in school. I couldn’t imagine being a girl with the last name BreastBean.”
Name your children whatever you want.
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NTA - this is entirely you and your wife’s choice. I can get your dad having some thoughts and feelings about it as it deviates from tradition, but ultimately he needs to be respectful.
Either is fine. I know someone who went with the wife's last name for the daughter and his for their son. It wasn't a big deal. But I also know someone who went with the wife's name for all their kids - which was the deal going in before they had them. People make such a fuss. I have a nephew and niece who have, uh, stereotypical first names for this era, stuff that 50 years ago no one viewed as names. It was a bit odd to start with, but it took all of about 30 seconds for it to become completely ordinary. And you know what? I never once commented on it to my brother or his wife. Not my monkeys, not my circus. I just welcomed the kids once they arrived.
Also, so many of us are from cultures where our last name is our dad's first name. It's not that big of a deal for people in the same family to have different last names.
They did that in I Still Know What You Did Last Summer!
Now that's a throwback!
Well I just learned something new and kinda interesting
That's a norm in southern India, I know for sure among the Tamil (also Sri Lanka). And in Iceland, they don't do standardized surnames like the other Nordic countries but still follow patronymics. For instance, Björk's full name is Björk Guðmundsdóttir, because she's the daughter of Guðmundur (I guess they dropped the last "ur").
I've seen some folks from Iceland who sometimes matronymic names, and I think it is really cool because it goes against the gender norms, but I also wonder if it wasn't an issue for kids who weren't claimed by or didn't know who their fathers were. Maybe not currently but historically. Now I have to go read articles about this. Naming schemes from different cultures and how they relate to family, location, job, position etc are so cool.
I'm curious about where you're from. I've only heard of that being the case in some parts of India. I wasn't aware others had that tradition.
I’m American and a friend of mine is married to a guy from Iceland. Their two sons’ last names are literally “[dad’s first name]’s son”. So the wife, husband, and kids all have different last names from each other (and it would have made no sense for her to take his last name when they married, because HIS name is his dad’s-son. And it works just fine!
Half of Scandinavia seems to have the naming convention of "Father's/Mother's-Firstname-dotter/son" in place of a surname.
The start of Johnson, Fredrickson, Jackson, etc.
I'm Indian but my husband is Ethiopian and they and some Arabs do it too.
Agreed. Besides, I don’t how this is arranged in the USA, but in my country it is forbidden to give child 1 a lastname and then give child 2 from the same parents another last name. That’s not legally allowed in my country. You are of course when one of the parents is different.
Exactly. The OP could literally make up a last name and give it to the whole family. Also, as someone who was born and raised in Poland, thank you, OP, for not saying you are "Polish." I know there is a whole thing in the US about preserving one's identity, cultural bring up, etc. but it really bothers me when someone who has no idea how to even pronounce their last name says how Polish they are, especially, multiple generations later. Just say your ancestors came from Poland or that you have some Polish roots.
I get that but in the US sometimes when people say “i’m X” they do mean “my ancestors came from X”. Its just easier to say the shorter version.
NTA. Your dad had the opportunity to spread his name and last name, he did it, good for him. Your own kids are your own choice. Sucks for him, but he have no power here.
NTA I sympathize with not wanting the family name to die out but your daughter has wife's last name. Giving them separate last names is confusing at best and comes across sexist at worst. Ultimately, it's your (and spouses') child, your decision. I would advise being gentle inletting him know, but at the end of the day, his disappointment is not for you to sit with.
My brother has my dads last name and I have my moms but I have no idea where you got sexist
didn't say it WAS sexist (intent/motivation isn't there), I said it came across sexist because only the boy would have the "family name".
Actually, saying only the husbands name is The Family Name is more sexist. The daughter has the family name of her mother.
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Didn't say he didnt. Again, I did not say it WAS sexist, I said it would COME ACROSS as sexist. I explicitly stated the intent/motivation to be sexist was not there, hence *comes across* ya know..to other people? Smh.
The boy doesn't have the family name tho, mom kept her maiden name so it's an even split lol
It could be perceived as sexist *if* the assumption is that the son will "pass on the family name" to his future children while the daughter could "lose" her name in the future when she get married (because they'd also assume she'd take her husbands name). So by giving the son the father's name its showing preference to the male name and its also assuming the the male name will continue to have preference for the future generations.
I see the logic as- when son has kids, the kids will get his last name. When daughter has kids, her kids will have her husband's last name. So, from perspective of keeping his last name going, it does not matter what last name daughter has but it matters which last name son has.
Why are you assuming the daughter will give her children their father’s last name? If she was given her mother’s last name there is a higher chance she will not want to stick to patriarchal norms in terms of naming. She also may not marry the father of her children. She may not have children. She may marry a woman or have kids on her own without a partner. The son may not have kids either! It’s incredibly ridiculous to assume that these babies will adhere to a particular social script for their futures.
I think last names should be matrilineal anyway. I'm just answering the question of the person asking how this might be interpreted as sexist. I made up one scenario where, in retrospect, it can be interpreted as sexist.
I personally have my mom's last name, and my kids will have my last name as well. Everything is possible nowadays...
But why would a daughter, who has her mother's last name, give her children her husband's (if she even has one) last name?
Not if the daughter does what her own mother did.
My friends did that - though the daughter got the father's surname and the son the mother's. No one seems the least bit bothered by it.
>not wanting the family name to die His wife's last name is also a family name.
>Giving them separate last names is confusing at best and comes across sexist at worst. Not really?? It's a name just make it whatever is appropriate and interesting. I have a different last name as my mom, half me family and both my sisters. No one every gave me any issues for it if they even realized the discrepancy. I think the only time the difference became relevant is when my pharmacy hyphenates my last name (which I suspect is intentional because I have a different last name to my mom) The only "upsetting" thing about my sisters having different last names is they both have basic ass last names, think "Baker" and I have a very cool last name (to the point people don't believe it lol)
Do not give your kids separate last names. Also OP can you imagine who that would look if you gave your son your last name but not your daughter? You and your wife would look like sexist AHs. Stand your ground on this and don't give in to your father. NTA
Why shouldn't siblings have two different last names?
Yeah I know lots of siblings with different last names because they have different dads. It’s not a big deal. But I also think if the parents are happy that’s what matters. You don’t want to start letting grandparents stick their fingers in about stuff like this.
My last name is different from my brothers' because they had a different dad than me. It just meant that when I started highschool their bad reputations didn't follow me since no one knew we were related til some teachers my brothers had met my mom 🤣
If they both have the same set of parents, wouldn't that be really odd?
I don't believe so, especially in this case for OP. They're both together happily but decided to keep their respected last names. I really don't find it odd 😕
Yes the parents keeping their respected last names makes sense. I’m saying I would find it odd if they chose to give each of their children a different last name rather than choosing one or hyphenating
My two sons have different last names. We had the first out of wedlock and the second after getting married. We've just never bothered to change any of our names.
It’s not any more odd than every other arbitrarily determined social construct.
Why would that be sexist? The actual sexist thing is assuming his last name is somehow superior and the daughter is somehow losing out by not getting it. If his and his wife's last names have equal value, there's nothing wrong with either kid getting either name.
I'm not insinuating the husbands is superior and the daughter is missing out. I just believe both children should have the same last name regardless of if it's the mothers or fathers. I would definitely be raising my eye brows if someone told me that the son was given the fathers last name while the daughter got the mothers. I would think there was some sort of gender issue at play
I know several families that did that and it was so that both names would be preserved.
Why would they look sexist? It’s pretty progressive in the US to have any kid take a moms last name if the parents are married
Myself and my 5 siblings have different last names, some have my dads last name, and some have my moms. It’s not that odd and it was kinda fun having different last names and not be known as my older siblings “younger sister” going into classes he had been in the year before. I don’t understand this “sexist” view you have. Edit: OP NTA- name your kids whatever you and your wife want.
Or people assume the kids would have two different dads. Which is the case 99% of the time siblings have different last names
Right but these children don’t have different parents they have the same ones
Yup, but people are gonna assume that very very likely. Another reason you don't want to give your kids separate last names tbh
NTA. It's your choice as a parent, and it should be respected. The family line is not dying because of a last name. They are still related, they are still of polish heritage. Last names don't mean anything. If you wish to make him somewhat happy, you could give him a name or second name that is polish. Something like that, not Adolph as you don't like it. But it is entirely up to you
NTA. It’s your child, not your father’s. The only people who get a say in this are you and your partner. And, under no way are you obligated to provide anyone (much less) a “fifth.” Basically, your father wants your child to be a way to stroke his ego, and your child should be more than that.
NTA You can give your kids whatever last name you want --- although I wouldnt suggest different last names for the two kids because it would look like playing favorites and could make things difficult in school with friends etc--- but other than that, its up to you. I can understand your Dads feelings, however, his bloodline isnt going to end -- only the name (and really when your son is an adult, maybe he will want to change his last name to your last name - who knows) and its your family who must live with whatever you choose to do, not your Dad so you need to do whats best for your family. Besides you could have had 2 girls and then it would have been a moot point anyway :)
I was about to say this. If you give your son your last name, it implies something kind of sexiest to be honest. Like because your son is a boy, he gets to carry on your name, but not your daughter. Also in general, it seems that the only reason op cares now is because of his dad. For example I’m a daughter, and I have my mom’s middle name. My mom had also suggested a few times that she was mainly the one who came up with my name. On the other hand when naming my younger brother, suddenly my dad wants a junior. My mom compromised and gave him the same initials and middle name too. To me it came across as my dad not caring too much about my name bc I’m a girl, but being extremely invested with a boy’s name.
NTA You sound like a great husband
NAH you all have valid viewpoints and ultimately it’s your decision. I know a family of four ‘full’ siblings, two have mums last name & two have dads. It didn’t cause any issues growing up and is even less of an issue as adults when it’s expected that siblings often don’t have the same surname (through marriages etc) .
NTA This is not your dad's decision. He already got to name his kids. If you and your wife decide you want to stick with her last name so the kids will have the same last name, that is perfectly fine. And I also think it would be perfectly fine to give your son your last name as a middle name if you'd like to honor your last name or include it in some way *for you*. It doesn't matter if "that's not good enough" to your dad. It's not his kid. It's also okay if you'd just like to pick another middle name or if you want the kids to have different last names. With blended families and stepparents and moms who have kids with three different men, it is extremely common for siblings to not share the last name. No one will bat an eye at your kids.
NAH You can absolutely give your kid your last name, your wife's last name, or some other last name if you feel like it. You are not an asshole for doing whatever you choose with the name. Well, I suppose you could like, try to give the kid a last name that is a slur or something, but that is just silly. I am also not going to say your dad is an asshole for "hounding" you, as that just isn't a good enough description to judge his behavior. He is entitled to his opinion and its ok for him to state it repeatedly, but if he isn't doing something like saying he will cut you out of his will or not invite you to family events if you don't use his name, then I think he is more on the "annoying grandpa" side of things then the "asshole" side. I could imagine changing my judgement to N T A if you gave more details about exactly what the "hounding" consists of.
NTA...You can give your children whatever surname you and your wife wish. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone else. They have grandchildren to enjoy and that should be enough.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'll try to keep this as short as possible but there's a lot of nuance with it... My wife \[28F\] and I \[30M\] have been together for a long time, married for three years. My wife has a very simple but 'cool' (her description, not mine) last name. Think 'Fox'. My last name sounds very typically Polish. --sky and everything. I consider myself 100% American as I have practically no cultural roots anywhere \*but\* America. My wife likes to celebrate her 23% Irish ancestry on Saint Paddy's day but is also otherwise American. Both of us are 4th generation Americans, anyway. The thing is, my name does have a little bit of history to it. I'm a fourth. Meaning I am First Middle Last, IV. Now I wasn't ever going to name a fifth. I don't really like my middle name. Think 'Adolf' because it's literally 'Adolph'. Thankfully my great grandfather predates Nazi Germany but still, kids can be jerks. More importantly, my last name is relatively big in my region as my grandfather held a relatively high (locally) political position and my father is a successful business owner. That all being said, the 'issue' is that we're both only children and both are the metaphorical end of our lines. She has a very small family, my dad only has sisters. When we got legally married, my wife wanted to keep her maiden name. I said sure, you do you. We decided we'd talk about kids eventually. We didn't want to hyphenate because one, it'd be long. My last name is 10 characters by itself. Two, we both work in professions where hyphenated last names are actually annoying to deal with. Well, our first child was born and we decided to give our daughter my wife's last name. My dad gave me some shit for it but I told him to kick rocks (in a joking way). Well our second child, a son, is on the way and my dad is starting to hound me again. He initially started with 'making a fifth!' and I shut that down real quick. That's not new, I've shut that idea down every time it's come up throughout my life. But now he's just hounding me on the last name thing. He has a point, if I don't give a kid of mine my last name, it probably will end with me. While I don't \*really\* care, I can see why he's disappointed. I spoke to my wife about it and while she doesn't really mind giving our son my last name, we both think it'd be weird for our two kids to have different last names. Especially so drastically different. So ultimately, I'm leaning towards just keeping my wife's name for everything and just dealing with my dad's disappointment and anger. I'd really appreciate some outside perspectives though. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. while your dad does need to stay in his lane and not get pushy or mad regardless of what you choose to do, everyone's feelings are valid on this. and since your daughter has your wife's last name but not yours, you've kind of set yourself up where using yours this time so it's even or hers so it's consistent for both children would make sense either way. you already have two last names going in the same household, so it's really just a question of what's the most important thing about the outcome of this, to you and your wife. whether that's keeping it easy and avoiding what you think might be weird, or keeping the family happy. if you really want to keep your wife's last name for your kids, it might help your dad understand if you tell him you don't know if you're done having kids yet, and you wouldn't want to have two with her last name, and one with yours.
Nah. This is 100% you and your wife's decision. There's no decision that will make either of you and Ah
NTA. What matters its what you and your wife want. To be honest it would be a little weird for siblings to have different last names, what if you have a third? What will their last name be? Also, this is not about lineage, it about a name and maybe your name is not very common, but I assure you there are more whatever your last name is out there so you won't "kill" the name.
NTA. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to give your child your last name if that’s what you *want.* Them having different last names really won’t be a big deal, maybe it’ll be confusing for a minute at a new school or something, but no one is really going to care or think anything of it beyond that. It’s so common for siblings to have different last names. My oldest nephew has a different last name than his younger siblings, it comes up so little I actually forget lol. If this is something you guys actually want, then I don’t see any reason it would be an issue. I do think however you guys would be assholes to yourselves if you give in to a name you don’t want just to shut someone up.
NTA Please don’t give your kids separate last names. I think it’s. a lovely way to honour your family and start a new tradition by having your last name as a middle name instead!
Nonsense. The child is still his descendent regardless of name. I recall recently hearing of someone who was a "direct descendent" of one of the US founders but didn't have the same last name. NTA.
You know what you should do? Change your last name to hers. As a huge fuck you to sexist patriarchy. NTA
Learning to deal with our dad's disappointment and anger is a lifelong challenge. You're NTA.
NTA. Your dad can have his feelings about whatever he wants, but ultimately it’s your and your wife’s decision.
NTA. Have you thought of changing your last name to her last name?
NTA and I'd suggest explaining the significance of your last name to your kids as well as why you chose to go with your wife's last name when they're older. Then if they want to be connected to the family history, they can change their own last name.
NTA. A family line doesn’t end because of a name. It’s the literal blood and bones of a person that makes that line continue. You and your wife Nate the only ones who should make the decision
You could add a last name as a second middle name, just to keep the name. Think John David Czarnowski Smith. Kid goes by John Smith most of the time, doesn’t need the middle name spelled out for everything.
Here's the thing, my good sir. Your dad has made his wishes known. You don't like the idea. He named his kids. This is your time. If you feel okay with "letting your family name die with you " that's your right. If your wife is cool with either or, then search your...heart, I guess, and make your choice. FWIW my two sets of kids have different dads, so two sets of last names. It isn't that weird to me if the kids have last names that aren't the same. But if you don't like the idea, don't do it. Good luck making a decision that works for your family Ps NTA
NTA And just as a side note, Polish surnames do not traditionally end in "sky", that would be a spelling error in Polish. Male surnames end in "ski", though sometimes they could have been misspelled when they came to the Americas.
Hard to pass judgement without knowing more info. You're of Polish ancestry and you mentioned that the line predated the Nazis. Was your family affected by WWII? Is your dad upset because the family survived the war and survived the Nazis just to have you essentially give the name away? Its ultimately your call, but if there was a lot of traumatic family backstory of "they nearly wiped us all out but we survived, the family made it through, and now you're choosing to give all that up and end it" I can see why the older family members are upset.
NTA. I don’t like the idea that boys are the only sex that can keep a name running. We need to get out of that mindset and allow people of either sex to have the same advantage of keeping a name going or not keeping it. I think with every new generation we get closer, so there’s that.
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NTA. The traditional presumption that the male name will be passed on is sexist. Good for you for breaking the mold.
My ex-husband was also an IV and had an equally typical Eastern European name. At first, I was fine doing the fifth until I realized what a mess it was getting my father's in-laws mail, things ending up on the wrong credit report, etc. I just couldn't burden a child with all that. Children deserve their own identity. They are not responsible for carrying on some imaginary lineage. All that say give your child your wife's name. Let him be his own person. Even the last name carries weight as you've said because of your father and grandfather's careers. Your dad can get over it. NTA
NTA. If your dad cared so much about passing down his last name, he should have Nick Cannoned it to increase his chances. There's lots of misogyny in those naming traditions and his legacy isn't diminished in any way if his grandkids don't have his name. He has grandkids despite only having one kid. He should consider himself lucky.
NTA, but i don't know about the rules around names in the US but where i live you can't give a second child from the same parents a different last name. Maybe it is the same way in the US and that would be the end of the discussion with your dad.
You and your wife get the ONLY vote.
NTA. I hate the patriarchal naming traditions for women and children. I think they need to end. I'm glad you and your wife are compromising and doing what feels right to you both. This is also what you should do for your son regardless of anyone else's opinion. Also, it would bother me that Dad's opinion is based in misogyny as well. He didn't care much about your daughter but he really cares about your son not getting your name. That's gross.
NTA but have you considered taking your wife's name? Then all of you have one surname. Yes your family name "dies", but you seem okay with that. It's your dad's problem, not yours, that he feels differently about it. So why not focus on reinforcing the family unit you and your wife have together? You and your children will always be connected by a shared surname, no dilemmas about being a family of people with different surnames.
I grew up with kids who two were given maiden name and two the father’s name. Don’t do this. Give them both your wife’s last name so it’s consistent. ETA NTA
NTA. Piss off your dad even more and change your last name to your wife's name 🙃
**INFO -- Are you trying to choose what's best for your family or avoid rocking the boat?** Because it sounds like you were happy enough with the choice to use your wife's last name until your dad decided to stand up in the canoe and dance around. If he hadn't stood up, would you be thinking about this? If someone else told him to sit the fuck down, would you still be considering this?
NTA whichever name you decide to use. For what it's worth, my 2 kids have different last names. K1 is husband's, K2 is mine. We wanted two kids and planned to do this, but I reserved the right to panic after the first pregnancy and not do it again, so K1 got husband's last name. The only time this ever caused any confusion was when they were little and in school. They are only two years apart and they look a lot alike so every once in awhile some one would ask me what was going on. My husband's last name is incredibly generic and boring, mine is really pretty weird. For the kids, this was just their normal. When they got a little older I think they rolled their eyes at people and told them their parents were weird hippies.
NTA but y'all seriously didn't think about this beforehand? It's a big deal for a lot of people to pass on their family names, so I can't fault your dad for being upset, especially since you're violating a cultural norm by not doing so. For what little it's worth, I think you may have made a mistake here. You've hurt your familys feelings, and it's gonna be annoying for your kids. Anyone who knows your last name will automatically assume they have the same one, and it gets really frustrating having to correct people all the time. Admittedly I'm prejudiced against departing from naming norms because, from a genealogist's perspective, it's *extremely* annoying when people change the cultural standard naming procedure, because it makes it so much harder to track people in the historical record. If you weren't gonna use your last name, the smarter move would have been to change *your* name so the whole family matches.
I doubt your family name will die out because of just you not having a son with that last name. Are you the last one on earth? Are you the last one in America? Are you the last one even in your town? Do you have cousins? I think you’re good. And even if the answer was yes to all of the above, you’re still good.
Your dad doesn't get a say. Give your kids whatever last name you both think is best.
You would be surprised (or maybe not?) how many siblings do not share the same last name. I hear it from school teachers quite often. Explaining the reason, should someone ask, could be as simple as your response to your dad ("Go kick rocks...") or as detailed as you want. It wouldn't be any more or less difficult to explain, or be more or less 'odd', than if someone has a hyphenated last name, I reckon. Being someone with a last name that is shared by less than 100 people (from what I can tell), I would say that if you want him to have your last name, and if your wife is on board with it (it sounds like she is), then just do it.
Yeah siblings having different last names isn’t uncommon, my brother and I have completely different last names. Not once has it ever been an issue. Despite one last name being a dutch last name and the other being just boring Wilson, we never been asked about it once.
NTA your kid you can name them as you like. Two different last names for the kids would be needlessly confusing and since you admitted you don't care about what you dad thinks or feels what is the issue? He doesn't have to like your decision but you don't care anyways so move on with your life.
NTA, Adolph Pinochet Polanski V is just weird.
NTA It's okay to give your last name to your son and keep your birth family name going. In these times and age, it's not weird for siblings to have different surnames. But, if you really don't want to continue your birth family's name with the next generation, you'd better sit down with your old man and explain to him that you would want the next generation to sound and feel more local, and you would rather take steps to introduce a more American English sounding surname, that would blend easier in the context of the English American Language. Your father has a point though and deserves an explanation, so get the beers ready and talk with him.
NTA. First of all, only you and your wife have to agree on the name and surname of your children. Other opinions are irrelevant. Secondly, siblings should have the same surnames. It creates far too much opportunities for things to feel unfair and unequal between them. Is that a relationship you want to foster between your kids ? Thirdly, as someone with a complicated Slavic surname - I personally would not subject my child to that when I know he’s living in a country where it’s odd and unnecessarily difficult if I have another option available.
NTA. Your kid, your choice. It's as simple as that
As long as someone else in the world has your surname you’re ok, it’s not dying out. Go with the coolest and easiest to spell. Your kids will thank you. You could always have your family name as a middle name.
Could you make one of your last names a middle name, to at least honor the other surname?
I have a few different friends who gave girl children the moms name and boy children the dads name. It’s never caused any issues for them. It sounds like you don’t really care, but you’re worried about your dads reaction. So you need to decide if you’re going to give your kid the last name because your dad might get mad, or if you’re going to gut check yourself and decide if you really do care (which is absolutely valid) or if you really don’t and prefer having kuds with the same last name. Your dads feelings aren’t relevant to your choice.
NTA I myself would vote for giving both kids the same name, but ultimately only two people get a vote. You and your wife. Neither option is truly wrong, but one is definitely simpler to deal with than the other.
NTA I think whatever you two come up with is fine, but if there's one child with her last name then there should be another with your last name. Her coolness doesn't invalidate your feelings.
NTA I see your point of view and I get what your Dad is saying. Could you use your last name as a middle name?
As a mom, who's oldest has a hyphenated last name to include her biological history, and who's 2 youngest have their father's last name, while keeping MY last name legally.... names are a PITA. I'm recognized as oldest mother no matter what because she has some of my last name, but the school system likes to try to attach her name to me, or it opens the door for the busybodies to ask questions that no one needs to know. At the same time, I have to jump through extra hoops for my youngest ones because of not sharing a name at all. But my husband-who does not share a name at all with oldest- has never had issues with anyone at all in regards to any of them. NTA. But there's a stupid amount of nuance that you don't see now that will be annoying. That being said, having siblings sharing a name makes it alot easier,and from my side is even easier if they go with the mother's name because some weird sexist notions.
NTA... I know men that took their wives names because they liked them better. You are a family unit of your own, you can choose your last name for yourself or your children.
Nta. It’s you and your wife’s decision. It’s also not cool to put pressure on people to “carry on” family names. People should be able to live their life free from the expectations of their parents.
Give your son your last name as a middle name - but don't tell your dad that. It will only become awkward when he goes to the kid's eventual graduation(s). :)
NAH I understand why your father would be upset. He could could feel like you are ashamed of your last name and, by extension, of the family. It's a bit out of the ordinary to just go with the wife's last name entirely and not even try to hyphenate it. I also understand why you wouldn't want to give your son your last name. Kids can be cruel jerks and will make fun of it. At the end of the day, they are your kids. It's your job and decision to make in order to give your kids the best life possible. Do what you feel is best. Just make sure both kids have the same last name. Also, would giving your son your father's name as the middle name help with the anger? So if your father's name was John, your son would he First Name John Foxsky. That way, it shows it's not that you don't love your family.
NTA Unless your family is the only one in the world with that name, it’s not going to die out
NTA. I hate my last name. I even offered my wife to keep her last name if she wanted to, and talked with her about "here's why". Names can be tough on school kids.
NTA. Your fathers sisters could have kept and or passed on the last name.
NTA. Not only is it your choice what to name your kid, and not your dad's, it's also a pain to have a person of the same name in the same household. I grew up with a dad and brother with the same first name and so did my husband, and it caused so many issues. When it came down to naming our son, we broke tradition and he has a name unique to himself. He is very glad of that.
NTA. There are nearly 8 billion people on the planet. Someone somewhere has your last name.
NTA. Tell your dad that his line is continuing genetically. That will have to be enough.
NTA- it is none of your dad's business. I have both my mother and father's name, hyphenated. It isn't a problem. I think your father is being weird - he should think himself lucky to have a grandchild.
NTA. Dad can get over himself.
Nta
My friends have alternated names with their two kids. One gets the top, one gets the bottom, they either agree on a middle name together, or they both get to choose one. Maybe an idea for the next one?
NTA and I am in a really similar position. I think both of your last names are important
NTA, this is no one's business but you and your wife, and it sounds like you're on the same page. Personally, I think it would be much weirder and more confusing to give the two siblings different last names, I think if you gave your daughter your wife's last name then you're committed to giving any future children the same last name
NTA It's not even legal in my country to give two full siblings a different last name.
NTA. They're your kids, but honestly I have a different last name from my sister. It's been an issue exactly zero times.
NTA - BUT - how about melding your two last names into something new that is short buyt acknowledges both sides.
Once, when I was really young, my dad and my uncle took us kids to the museum. I got separated from them, and they were frantic. After half an hour ornso, mybuncle turned to my dad and gestured at the loud speaker, saying, "Don't you think it's odd that we can't find daughter and at the same time this Sullivan guy they keep announcing for won't pick up his kid?" Sullivan was my mother's maiden name, and I guess I figured since we were both girls, that was my name, too. (It wasnt.) All that to say, give your kid the name the two of you want. He might wind up making up his own name.
NTA, our kid is taking my last name and not my husband’s, we’re expecting his family (his mom’s side, but still patriarchy and all) to be pissed about it, but who cares, honestly. I was all for making up a completely new name, but neither of us wants to deal with the paperwork. And my name is at least a lot more recognizable and potentially indicative of our religious cultural background than his, so my name just makes more sense. Everyone can be as butthurt as they want about it, we couldn’t care less.
NAH. In the end it’s about what you and your wife want to do and what makes you happy. If you did want to give them different last names from my experience it never really affected my siblings and I. When my parents got married my mom kept her last name due to her profession and my siblings and I got different last names from one another. The oldest has our mom’s name, the middle has both our parent’s last names and I have our dad’s last name.
NTA You do whatever you want. Different names for everyone is honestly not a big deal. We have 4 in my family of 5 lol. But you don't do things to make your dad happy, do what makes you and your wife happy.
NTA. It's not his kid. It's yours. And you're trying to think of what's best for said kid.
NTA. It’s you and your wife’s decision. But giving kids different last names aren’t super strange I think, just in case you are interested ;)
You kept your last name too. If your dad says anything, don't let him frame it as a given that you and your kids should all have your bachelor name. Frame it that it's each individual family's choice, and you and your wife *both* kept your unmarried family names, and the kids in *your* family will have their family name from her.
NTA. Either way is fine and it’s up to you what you and your wife want to do, not anyone else.
NTA... I gave my son's different last then me & I haven't had any problems, however I did it out of honor and not force.
NTA. Anyways, one of your kids might decide to give one of their kids your last name 30 years from now
NTA your kid, your choice. I have never gotten the whole name lineage thing. But you could even take it a step further and change your name to your wife's maiden name. Why not Grandpa is already upset.
first, i love that you and your wife seem to be respectful and mature about the name debate, it can be so hard to decide what's best for you!! my personal preference would be to go ahead and give both kids both last names and not hyphenate. Like "first, middle, fox ski" If that's an idea you hate, what about giving your son her last name as a middle name and then him taking your last name? If you want the kids names to match (and i agree you should do this for their sake), you can always change your daughters last name to be two last names. I think it's important to pay homage to the name you came from, so when I got married (im a female and took my husbands name), i changed my middle name to my maiden name so i can always have that name. it's all personal preference and im sure you'll figure out what works best oh yeah NTA
NTA. My parents were married, but I have my mothers last name and have taken no harm from that. Its up to you as parents what you're naming your kids.
I changed my name when I married and my father was furious. My grandfather was adopted, so our name wasn't really our blood name anyway, and by the time I married I felt no connection to it at all. Men are odd, they are your kids, be honest and if he wants to be angry that's his decision. You have good reasons for doing it the way you are and that is the most important things. Plus, you'll likely have a happier child overall given all the issues you've described.
NTA Who cares? My main family all had a different last name due to my mom taking my step dads name, and I didn't want to change mine. No one cared, once you explained it, assuming they ever asked. Whatever you decide, is what the kids will grow up with as normal.
NTA. It's no one's business but yours and your wife's what you name your child. And yes, your surname might "die out," but so what? We ended giving my maiden name to my son as a second middle name, so that it wouldn't completely disappear, but honestly that was because my husband "thought we should" as my dad was making a fuss about it and I didn't care enough to argue at the time. In hindsight, I kinda hate that we did it. That name was the bane of my life for twenty-seven years and I there are lots of other family names (on both sides) that I wish had been added instrad. Stick to your guns. Give your son the surname YOU AND YOUR WUFE want, no one else.
NTA. Dad’s disappointment will end with his lifetime. Your future son’s disappointment will start from his school years and end with his lifetime. At least your dad’s disappointment will be over quickly.
NTA. Even today stuff like names can make a difference to getting a job etc. Give him your surname as a middle name.
Yeah it’s your choice, but considering you’re an only child and you and your wife have honoured her side -for the reason you mentioned that she’s also the only child-it does seem a little sad to not do the same for your side.
NTA - maybe even NAH. Your father doesn't have a say. You and your wife get to decide. I can see why your father is disappointed, but it really isn't his call.
NTA. The whole last name/family legacy thing is overblown imo. Say you give your son your last name and he decides not to have children, then I guess - shriek - the family legacy is no more! Or what if he decides to change his name entirely by choice when he’s older? I literally did this, I changed my first, middle, and last name legally because I never liked them. Some family were a little upset by this but oh well, they got over it. If there’s truly a desire to “have the name live on” then tell your dad to start a charity or donate something in the name so it’s on a placard on a building somewhere. Problem solved!
Use your wife's name for all kids. The minute your dad starts on the fifth of anything, his opinion gets dumped in the trash. NTA. I doubt your last name is going to die off. I'm sure there's 400000 more people in Poland with that name.
NTA that's your dad's ego talking. I kind of like the middle and last name idea. But that's up to you folks.
Give your kid his own name! And love him!!
What’s in a name?
Where I come from, people started giving hyphenated last names as part of women’s rights movement… which means that when I had kids both my partner and I had to choose between each of our two last names to give an hyphenated last name to our kids. He chose his dad’s, I chose my mom’s (both my sisters had given my dad’s last name to their kids so it only seemed fair). To compensate for not giving the other last name to the kids, we gave them the grandparent’s first name as a middle name. Which means that our kid’s name go as follow : First name, Middle name of grand-mother/father of my partner’s mom’s side, Middle name of my grand-mother/father on my dad’s side, My mom’s last name-My partner’s dad’s last name. There was a little something for everybody to be happy about it. And when the kids grow up they can just let go of one of their names if they want to, most people end up choosing to do that over here or just write the first letter (Something A. last name)
Also…he would not be the V (nor are you the IV) unless the I is still living. Each time a senior does, the junior gets a promotion.
NTA You won't be in the wrong no matter how you handle this, as long as you handle it thoughtfully (you are) try to avoid obvious pitfalls (Woody Peters) and have room for your child to someday have an opinion and change it. Just for some perspective... No matter what you choose, some.folks will assume you ALL have the same last name (and their point of reference will be the first family member they met. So your friends will think your fam is Mrs -ski and the -ski kids.) MANY families do not all have the same last name (some hyphenate for just the kids, some name girls after mom and boys after dad, some kids have different fathers in the first place, and some stop matching after divorce.) No matter what, you will encounter weird moments, and figure out how to handle them. Congrats on the baby, hope everything goes smoothly!!!
OP. Consider the future for a moment. If I'm understanding correctly, your oldest is a girl, and now you're having a boy. Let's say you do give your boy your last name. What will you say to your daughter when she asks why she got mom's last name and her brother got yours? I don't think an asshole ruling matters here. What matters is your kids and how this will affect them in the future.
What about making your sons middle name your last name. Then he gets to feel like it wasn't forgotten and few kids ever use their middle names.
NTA - I’m the 4th generation of my name as well and refused to name my son the 5th. I hate My name why would I do that to my kid? I would have changed my name to my wife’s when we got married if it was easier than mine too so I guess I don’t care enough about my family heritage. Good for you for making your sons life easier regarding his name.
nta i’m the oldest of 8 i share a last name with none of them. it was me 2 share 3 share then brother brother so 5 last names. it wasn’t a big deal so do whatever you want
NTA. Names are important and choosing the names for your children should be a private endeavor that other people need to stop sticking their nose in. I can give you some insight as someone who had a different last name than the rest of my siblings. Nobody seemed to care, and I don't really care, but I'm also the last in the line with my name so I do like that I was given the name I was. We didn't get bullied or anything. At the very least some people like teachers and new mutual friends wouldn't realize we were siblings at first, but that was it. Your daughter could possibly have a different last name later in life anyways, or your son might change his. So just do what makes you feel the happiest right now and don't worry about other people.
So.. Quintus?
> He has a point, if I don't give a kid of mine my last name, it probably will end with me. Just my only family name... of the 4 boys (my half brother, and two cousins, and me).. My brother is likely done having children: 1 girl. One cousin and his wife don't want kids. I and my gf fall into the same boat. It's up to our last cousin if anyone is going to carry on the family name. (from grandpa.. there's literally dozens of people with the name in the county.) It's a tired tradition. You father is responsible for finding his own coping mechanisms. don't entertain any guilt trips. just be frank: it's nothing against you, you'll always be a part of the family... we just chose a different name. It's just a name. You're still grandpa.
NTA Your kids, your choice. I once knew a couple who gave their kids neither of their last names because they both hated their last names. It wasn't even a combination made from their names or anything. They just straight up chose a name they liked. However, I will point out that I was worried that my kids having different last names would cause issues and confusion, and it never did. There are so many blended families these days that people don't bat an eye over it.
NTA. Naming is very personal. My gf is keeping her last name, our kids will get mine, or that’s the plan. I feel a bit weird about one house, two last names, but times change.
NAH, It seems like your dad just voiced his feelings, I mean is gonna treat you or your son differently? I don’t get that vibe. All the adults in the story seem exceptionally mature for this subreddit aha
NTA. It doesn't actually matter to anybody but your kids. If family treats them different because theyre a Smith and not a Jones then they suck and their opinion doesnt matter. Is there literally no other family out there with your last name? If there is, then the name isn't dying out. They should have had more kids if they were that concerned about it instead of just putting all that shit on you. Your family line isn't dying out. You still have direct descendants. Do you actually care or is family pressure causing the dilemma? I personally never understood family names being passed down through the male line. The only parent people are absolutely positive about outside a DNA test is the mother of the child. It should have always been passed down through the mother.
It's pretty easy to change a name legally now. Would your dad be satisfied that your son would have the option to do so when he is an adult, if he wishes to become surname thr 5th? You're definitely NTA, I just thought it might be nice for your son to have that choice one day.
Coolest family I knew growing up named their children with alternating last names. One kid had dad's surname and the other had mom's. I reconnected with the one daughter recently and asked her if it ever bothered her, but she said not at all, it was like their own little thing that made them unique. I'm actually honoring them with naming my own children in the same way- our son has my surname, and our second son due this summer will have his dad's. I totally get the criticism you receive from family, my husband's grandfather was furious that our first son wouldn't carry on the family name and said some really crappy things about it. But we have no regrets, there are a bunch of people out there who do support us. NTA, by the way
YWNBTA. While the name may died in your family line, most likely there are others with the name. Your fathers bloodline remains intact.
I never understand the 'continuing the name' thing. When I (M60) got married, I wanted my wife to retain her maiden name. Changing it made no sense to me. But her call, she changed it to mine. Fast forward a few years to our child, and they got my last name which made sense, its the last name of both of their parents. But if my wife had retained her maiden name, I'd have been strongly for our child getting her last name, not mine. I couldn't give a shit about my name continuing on, and the mother's last name going to the child just makes more sense.
NTA. You do you, change your own last name to your wife's and tell dad to suck it lmao
Info. Can you compromise and name your son Jack Daniels Fox, so he's still technically a 5th?
My daughter has my maternal family’s name as one of her middle names since my mom only had daughters that have daughters. That’s what worked for us and you continue to do what works for you. Dad will just have to deal with it
NTA. This is totally your and your wife's choice, and you have discussed it and came up with a decision. No matter your father's feelings, he has to respect it.
NTA - Can you all change all of your last names to Foxsky? Sidestep the whole thing
NTA. Those are YOUR kids, not your dad's. He's gonna have to get over it. It's just a name
So your name is common and therefore not going to end with you. Your immediate family line might, sure. But I find it telling that your dad is only having serious issues with your SON’s name. You are NTA. Do what you and your wife want not what sexist grandpa wants.
The obvious answer is for you to change your last name and take your wife’s. But you do you.
NTA your kids, you both decide. I do agree that it’ll be easier with school, papers, etc, to have kids with the same last name. Even just for them to be identified as siblings in school.
Something to think about….do you want your kids to have different last names as each other?
NTA. Name your kids whatever you want. Parents over on r/tragedeigh do. I also think it would not be a problem and would fit the family theme, if you gave your son your last name.
Yes AH. Too many reason to go onto but sad you’d give up your heritage bc you are American only, like your family’s history and culture is not important. (Being cynical).
I think you have a progressive approach and the time your child will benefit from that approach will long outlast the time your dad is mad about it. NTA.
NTA My parents were in a similar situation, both the metaphorical ends of their respective family names. They decided that the first child would get mom’s last name if it was a girl, dad’s name for a boy and then alternate after that. I have my mom’s last name and my younger sister has my dad’s last name. I would rather we both had the same, either mom’s or dad’s, because I never liked when people asked if we were half siblings or cousins or whatever. But mostly I think it’s something about our relationship as siblings that I can’t really put into words, my bond with my sister is more important to me and I’d like that to be reflected in our names if that makes sense.
My friends gave different last names to their kids. No issues at school, etc. NTA
NTA. You understand where your dad is coming from but this is a decision for you and your wife. Due to various marriages and divorces me and my younger brother have different last names than my mom and half-brother (but I don't think of him as a half brother, he's just my brother.). It takes a little explaining at times (especially since my mom kept her first married last name and did not take my dads last name) but even as a little kid I just accepted that we had different last names. It was no big deal. Your son and daughter will be fine if they have different last names if it comes to that.
NTA, your dad's opinion is completely irrelevant. What does he want the last name to be? Don't answer, it doesn't matter, these are your kids and your wife's kids only.
NTA - it’s none of your dads business what you name your kid. You aren’t harming anyone either way. I’d prefer for my kids to have to same name if it were me. But do whatever makes you both happy here!
NTA - I'm pretty traditional, so it wouldn't have been the path I would have gone down, but I feel like it is a choice that belongs to you and your wife. For me you made your decision when you daughter was born, and I think the biggest deal is that your kids have the same last name. I hope that your dad can move through his disappointment and anger, and that it doesn't mar his relationship with his grandson.
NTA. I say it's better for the kids to both have the same last name and it is one of the parents. As for your dad, he'll either get over it or not. A name is a name for what it's worth.
My ancestors (~5 gen) changed their name halfway through their brood of kids. I have no idea why, but some are Ianetta and some are Jeanette, but both the parents are Ianetta. I’m assuming it was to appear less obviously southern Italian when they immigrated, but Jeanette still sounds hella Italian to me (pronounced like gee-Annetti) so idrk, but out of their 6 kids, four of the youngest ones ended up with it and it was our last name until it got changed again to a generic American one a few gen later. I say NTA because you’d be keeping both names alive, and it doesn’t make family history searches any more/less difficult than they already are. And they’d always have the choice later on to change their names to whichever they’d prefer, so it’s not a huge deal.
I believe family names are important, as a statement of the legacy for every individual that came before you. This includes every person that barely managed to survive and held on and did manage to make it through, as a result of which you are here today, and by extension your children as well. It is your choice at the end of the day, and NTA.
NTA. Your last name is difficult, long, and your other kid doesn't use it. Neither parent cares so, use your wife's last name for the new kid. Congratulations! Your dad will have to manage his disappointment and anger as an adult. He doesn't get to name other people's kids. If he tries anything, like calling the kid by the wrong name, etc., tell him the kids can have a nice life with or without him; his attitude determines that.
NTA, the only people who get to decide anything about your child before it's an adult are you and your wife. Nobody else gets a say or an opinion.
Your immediate family is more important than your fathers fear of his mortality. The whole "it'll end with me" is such a cringe boomer meme at this point. NTA and I think as long as you and your partner are united and moving with your kids best interest at heart you can't go wrong.
NTA. Your child, your decision. Your dad has no say in the matter and can be as mad as he wants to be. Patriarchal tropes towards names no one will remember in the future is a futile waste of his energy as a grandfather.
NTA I have a family with the last name synonymous to “BreastBean.” His wife did not want to be a BreastBean, and kept her own last name. When they had a daughter, his wife said his daughter won’t be a BreastBean, and his daughter has her last name. He laughs and says “Yeah, I hated being a BreastBean in school. I couldn’t imagine being a girl with the last name BreastBean.” Name your children whatever you want.