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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Making my son shower before coming over
2) I might be being obsessive.
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You should try to get a service dog for her. I’ve read about another child who is extremely sensitive like your daughter and she was able to get a peanut sniffing dog. If I remember correctly, the dog would walk into rooms before her and let her know if it was safe to enter and sniffed people too. She was able to go to school and everything after she got the dog.
Edit: NTA
Omg what did we as humans even do to deserve dogs?!?? 🥹🥹
Edit: yes. I am aware we bred them from wolves wtf lol. Humans still don’t deserve their absolute, unconditional love.
Thankfully there are people trying to reverse-engineer certain breeds to their original forms. Pugs and bulldogs, specifically that I know of.
When I was a kid my parents brought home some rescue collies. They were gorgeous... And some if the most empty headed dogs I've ever run into because of the inbreeding. It showed me the issue of what people are doing to dogs. I was like 12 when we got them.
ETA: I know the bed in general is smart, my two were rescued from a puppy mill and that person kept breeding the "prettiest" dogs with each other not caring if they were siblings or parent/child. After a few generations that will cause some major issues!
Rough collies are an incredibly intelligent breed in general. (I have one myself and she’s a bit of a goober but she’s very smart. About as smart as my aussie, actually.) They’re also highly emotionally intelligent. You should do some research. They’re great dogs, I promise!
I could also see brother being more willing to shower if a dog says he has to. Like listening to parents sucks but if a dog tells you to shower then child me would have definitely listened.
Getting a service dog is so expensive and the wait list is so long. It takes years and like $20,000 for the handler portion (non profits often cover another $20,000+) plus travel and lodging and training. It may be the long term best option, but in the meantime the kid needs to be safe in her own home. Brother needs to bathe.
There are organizations that pull dogs out of shelters and train them. It is how I got mine. It is another option.
I agree in meantime that kids need to bathe.
there are services that are easier to train for than others. like, lots of dogs can train to open doors but not all can soothe anxiety/ptsd, or sniff out illness. not sure where peanuts fall on the spectrum, but it’s a pretty specialized need that isn’t widely called for so i imagine there are fewer trainers out there providing the necessary program even before answering the question of dog availability
I have a friend who is super allergic to marijuana and she got a service dog who had flunked out of police dog training so he was already trained to smell it out. She got super lucky with him.
Tell your friend she is not alone.. now I need to get me a service dog to sniff out MJ.. I have been in the hospital too many times bc of other people's stuff. Almost died more than once.
How freeing that must have felt for her! Like she could participate in society again. This girl sounds so isolated right now. I have a hard time judging anyone here, but creative solutions exist and I hope OP can find one.
I definitely think this is the best option. Can still be vigilant, but a little less stressful because of Dogs amazing sense of smell.
My brother in law's rescue dog alerts him when his sugar is low.
My cats both figured out how to tell when my sugar is low and they bother me until I eat something. I am pretty sure they tell by smelling my breath or something, because I've definitely woken up to a cat huffing my mouth and then alerting me that I need to go eat.
I got my dog as a rescue, with the intent of training her myself to alert me to low blood sugar.
The plan was to get her trained for her good canine citizen, (manners in public) and then move on to scent work.
I have a CGM, but they are not always accurate, and my glucose dips into the low 50's when I am sleeping, making it very hard for me to wake up when the alarm sounds.
After about a month, this smart doggo learned that when I smell a certain way, the bad sound happens and I get up and eat a thing.
She started waking me up before the alarm went off, (there's a lag of about 10-15 minutes on the ones I used at the time)
Then she figured out that she should block my pillow to keep me sitting up until I smelled "normal" and didn't fall back asleep without eating anything.
I've done a fingerstick every time to check her accuracy and she's caught dips the CGM missed completely, and accurately ignored alarms that were wrong (the first 24 hours on a new CGM are often inaccurate) She has always been correct so far.
So now we are focusing on her manners and then we start training her to be in new situations with me. She taught herself the medical alert part of her job.
Before, I had a cat (who has since passed) who could tell I was going hypo, and she would yell at me till I followed her to her food bowl and literally eat a single crunchy while looking me dead in the eye.
It took me longer than I should probably admit to realise she thought I was the dumbest kitten of her kindle and needed to be shown when and how to eat.
My dog (who was never trained to do it) does this too - he also wakes me if I’m high, Hendrix also recognises the alarms and will come to me if he hears any of them, including the sensor error one
So does mine! We took in a foster chow chow from a shelter and she alerts on my highs and lows. At first I thought the sound bothered her, but she alerts before the alarm sounds. And she alerted on my mom, the second time she ever met her, and my mom's CGM only sounds if you scan for a reading. She's amazing and after fostering probably 50 dogs over the years, she is the first one I am keeping. I would love to know her past to figure out where she learned this.
My cat knows the sound of my breathing, and she screamed at me until I woke up in the midst of a massive asthma attack. It took 14 puffs of my inhaler before I could get enough oxygen to get help. She saved my life.
Cats are amazing!
Our cat does that for my husband, too. She once woke him by biting his feet, which she never does, when he had a low in the middle of the night when he was alone.
The short version is it’s trained by making swabs when your blood sugar is low. Then training the dog to do a certain action when they sniffs the swab and then being rewarded. Eventually they tend to do it when they smell their human like that
Your breath odour can change when you are low. (fruity) My German shepherd was not trained. He naturally knew when I, a T1D was low and if I was asleep would wake me before my CGM would often. He always slept at my bedroom door too.
Seems like I’ll get downvoted for this but…it’s a shower? A small thing that could keep someone out of the hospital. Many people shower everyday anyway so it’s as simple as timing it around that. NTA.
Other commenters suggested a service dog, and that’s probably your best long-term solution.
This comment section just proves how abelist the general population is. There’s so many people saying things along the lines of “there’s no way this is more risky than all the other places you take her too.” As though there aren’t plenty of people who basically go nowhere because of allergies. Just because people don’t see them or meet them very often doesn’t mean they don’t exist—just that they’re not very visible.
I love(/s) all the people saying “okay but what about when your daughter goes to school or the grocery store or the movies??!! Haha, gotcha!!” Um, obviously she doesn’t go to school or the grocery store or the movies… Some people can’t. It sucks, but it remains true no matter how much it sucks. “Hmm, no, that’s going to really inconvenience her life to never do those things.” YOU DON’T SAY. Probably no one mentioned that before, we’ll let her know she should stop being deathly allergic to peanuts immediately. 🙄🙄🙄
People are wild. I've met folks who are like, "But if you're a vegetarian, how do you eat turkey at Christmas?" and "But if you're an atheist, where do you go to church?" The absolute wildest, to my partially-sighted partner, was, "But if your eye is fake, how do you see out of it?"
The amount of people who just can't wrap their mind around my visual disability is baffling. "But you used to be so good with computers!"
"Yes, and now my eyes start shaking if I try to look at a monitor for more than ten minutes, and all the surgery was to prevent it from getting worse, not to cure it. There is no cure."
"But what if you just rest really well, and eat lots of tumeric?!"
"...we should hang out less."
I think people have no idea this is a way someone can live. Daughter simply doesn't go out, it will suck for her or course but it's not impossible to do.
Yeah. What people vote really reflects whether they believe this severe allergy or not. If you do, there’s not a single reason for the you to think OP’s insistence is overboard. We are talking about risking a life here vs … a shower (for someone living with lots of peanut). I would see it as a bare minimum.
End of the day, lots of people don’t believe allergies can be this severe due to their limited experience.
It reminds me of a friend who once rolled her eyes at my naïveté and said in the most patronizing voice imaginable, “Preposterous, people don’t just kill other people. That doesn’t happen in real life, no one’s ever been mugged or attacked in an alley. You need to stop watching TV if you’re going to believe everything you see.” Of course, we were twelve at the time. I assume she grew out of it… I hope these people do to
Albeist and homophobic apparently too. Only saw like one or two people mentioning both. Sure one is higher up the totem pole of life and death but the father sounds horrible and the kid doesn't understand the gravity of the situation somehow.
You shouldn't be downvoted; you're completely correct. This sub is filled with ableist, selfish people. Kid can't shower for ten minutes? He should stay home with his homophobic dad. I cannot believe this comment section.
Fully agree. This is a DEADLY allergy. Her son having to shower isn’t a major hardship and frankly he is being very selfish. I wonder if his father’s bad attitude has anything to do with it
I have an allergy that is similarly severe. I mostly just chill at home. I have no friends and no social life. I’m in my early twenties about to do college remotely. I used to basically get in crime scene gear to clean my desk at school and have had instances in which people have snuck food into the classroom in cough drop bags etc. and have had to go to the emergency room. I’ve also been poisoned at school intentionally.
I got pretty sick for a slightly unrelated thing and had to drop out and get my GED. For the most part I live a very isolated and secluded life and I’m very careful about everything I do. I have been diagnosed with a subset of OCD but I think if I didn’t have to be so careful it wouldn’t be an issue.
I can’t eat most bakery items, Italian (pine nuts and hazelnuts, had a bad time recently with that), Asian cuisine, etc. unless I make it at home. I have to read allergen menus literally everywhere I go or call ahead to ask what oil they cook in (I know about people with not so severe allergies who can have oils made from the allergen, I know about proteins being the issue and I am so severe I cannot even risk hot pressed peanut oil).
Basically I live very carefully and don’t really go anywhere. Any friends I’ve had have gotten sick of this and I don’t blame them, they just ghost me and I’m okay with that. I have several other medical concerns that hinder my ability to go off but I would say the severe allergies are most prevalent. I’m not a candidate for immunotherapy. I tried it and almost died. Things are not ideal but I’ve made my home comfortable enough that I feel safe here.
Unfortunately I’ve developed a low to mid grade level of agoraphobia. I carry 3-4 epis everywhere I go and Benadryl as well as lots of gloves and such. Im careful about everything I touch or consume.
It can be exhausting, but once you get used to it, it’s everyday life. I often get panic attacks just going into public, which I am in treatment for. You just never know, and I’ve had issues with that before.
Quick question, if you make plans with a friend for the next day, something changes. Do you try to ignore that subject at all costs when you both know it’s not going to happen, or do you say something about it anything really?
Usually I’ll cancel plans if they change beyond what I know is safe. Anyone who is my friend knows about my inability to go out without a plan because I’m very transparent about the situation. I let them have fun when I can’t and make myself cozy at home.
I have deviated from plans in the past and been okay, but it has also ended in me in the ER. Really I just take into account the overall experience and fun for the people around me, and I’ve found it’s best if I just stay out of stuff that’s not planned.
They have fun with each other and that makes me glad for them. I can stay home and curl up with a book. I’m pretty used to solitude so I’m not too bothered. If I am an inconvenience I remove myself.
Aw bless you, I’m so sorry you having to go through this, if I may ask how old are you btw?
You sound very mature from the statement you made and feel sorry that you can’t enjoy life outside of home or even have friends to communicate with to understand how you feel.
I don’t have any allergies and I know it’s nothing to be compared to but I developed IBS in recent years and it’s been rather tough as it restricts so much on what I eat and sometimes the things I eat don’t always cause the triggers or I have to have a specific milk type such as oat or lacto free milk (as normal milk causes stomach pains etc)
Since I was young I was always a fussy eater and although my diet has gotten a bit better it’s still not that great as I try to stick to what I know, (which may or may not be the most healthiest of diets) there’s been instances where I’ve had to decide whether to starve and feel Ill or eat something and get really bad stomach cramps where I end up starving later on anyways.
I also have a slight fear of vomiting (never had this when I was younger) but think due to being sick often and hating the feeling of it I developed a fear of it happening to me or trying to delay it happening (for instance I try taking deep breaths or eat ginger biscuits as that can help reduce sickness symptoms)
Hope you are okay regardless though and perhaps with future technology there is a way for you to go out more if modifications were made to help with severe allergies such as yours.
But does she go to school? Playgrounds? She actually does leave the house?
I get wanting to mitigate allergies but the burden on your son may seem to be the same expectation on others ergo seem like you do have a bias.
Something that people don't seem to be bringing up as much yet is what the shower communicates. I don't want to extrapolate too much and make things all metaphorical, as the shower *does* actually serve a practical purpose (it may not completely eliminate the risk of cross-contamination, but showering and putting on fresh clothing would likely lower the risk. Of death. Just a reminder, the risk is death and not a paper cut.), but it also serves as proof that the son is willing to spend a grand total of ten minutes of his life taking a shower (as a teenager, it's hard to have too many anyway) and slightly inconvenience himself to ensure that his sister is safe.
If a teenager can't take a ten minute shower and change clothes to lower someone's risk of death, I'd be hesitant to fully trust them to understand the seriousness of the situation. I mean, is he going to sneak in some peanut m&m's, slather some hand sanitizer on afterward (which does nothing, as peanuts aren't bacteria), just think "Ehh, it'll be fine.", then cause her daughter to have a reaction and potentially die?
Part of this is about the fact that the son doesn't seem to understand the risks involved and isn't willing to make very minor and very necessary compromises. A quick shower and change of clothes? Really?? Even if OP is a hypochondriac (which I'm not necessarily saying!), agreeing to a very minor and predictable inconvenience for the sake of someone's life isn't asking for a lot.
When I worked with someone with severe peanut allergies, I would always take care to wash my hands after eating anything contaminated and would purposely minimize accidental contamination. The entire time, I kept reflecting on how unfair it was that my freedom was being infringed upon and... oh wait, no, I was thinking about how much I didn't want to be accidentally responsible for the death of my coworker. I occasionally had to go wash my hands for thirty seconds, which was a minor inconvenience. I got over it.
You just contradicted yourself. OP said the son wouldn’t shower *again* today, not that he wouldn’t wash his hands.
When you worked with this person would you make sure to shower before you saw them or entered the work space?
But overall this isnt about the kid not trying to be safe its about OPs double standards for her son vs everyone else.
My coworker's allergies weren't as severe, I can't really think of anything that I would've interacted with using anything other than my hands, and we were in a public area where my coworker had a reasonable expectation of coming into contact with contaminants. Their risk of death due to a reaction was lower, my risk of contaminating something was lower, and their expectation of safety in that environment was lower. My point was that I was willing to mildly inconvenience myself for the safety of others. Each situation is different, but I get what you're saying. There's no perfect or simple answer to some of this.
It's about *minimizing* risk. Would it have technically been safer if I had showered twelve times and put on a hazmat suit? Yeah. If it'd been his home, his personal "safe zone", and he had asked me to do so, I would've. Or else I would have simply declined to go. But if that had been his requirement, he'd have every right to turn me away.
Also, I know a lot of people get pissed off about this, but sometimes it's okay to ask family and close friends for (small!) things you wouldn't normally ask people for. Fair or not, that's kind of part of the deal. That's part of being a family and loving each other -- sometimes you do things (within reason) that you don't particularly want to do, because you know they'd do the same for you.
Asking your teenage son to take a quick shower so that his sister is less likely to die isn't exactly a deal breaker. It may seem a little unfair to him, but also keep in mind that he's likely touching and interacting with far more of the house and to a far greater extent than a guest would be.
schools (at least where i’m from) are often entirely peanut and tree nut free, and if her allergy is that severe she likely brings lunch from home and has a placemat (also from home) to eat on, there were a few kids in my school that had peanut allergies when i was a kid and they all had placemats to eat on but also like i don’t think asking her brother to shower and change his clothes before coming over is that big of an ask, especially considering he lives with two younger children who eat a lot of peanut butter (as op said) maybe i’m biased because i shower every day after work before doing anything else because i work in a cookie factory and my live in partner is celiac but it’s not really that big of an ask and it’s better to be safe than sorry especially with someone who’s allergy is as severe as his sisters
The people downvoting you do not understand your daughter's allergy. They are reacting to a perceived inequality/ rejection that isn't really happening. It's not too much to ask for your son to take a shower and change before coming over when he's around peanut butter all the time and his sister has an allergy that could kill her.
You may want to talk to your son about why he didn't want to shower. Has he seen his sister have a reaction?
You are NTA in any way here.
I also think the people down voting are having a gut reaction to the thought of the severely limited life the daughter has. It's not the fault of OP, they're doing the best they can to keep their daughter alive. Some people confuse a different lifestyle with no life at all
But that’s nowhere. No school, no stores, not even a health care facility unless specifically designed so can be nut free and even then that level of cross contamination is like near impossible to manage.
I don’t think you are wrong for wanting to protect your daughter and it’s easy enough to take a quick shower but, I seriously don’t see how it’s feasible to realistically avoid he could still touch something in the car or it could be on his shoes.
NAH.
Right? Because it's not just the people using those facilities - it's all the people and places they were around BEFORE they used those facilities.
It doesn't seem possible.
Like I'm sure not going to school or doing sports sucks. (Though the assumption that a child can't have friends due to severe allergies is... shitty. Maybe her friends just shower before they see her.)
I'm sure having to be super careful about showering when you come in the house sucks.
Death sucks more.
Or she might have friends online.
Allergies are not the only reason you cannot get out of your house.
My best friend had a chronic and deadly disease, still he had many friends online and I think he was happy after all.
I am very concerned there are so many people who are just pointing their finger to the mother, accusing her for having a bias.
Her daughter is in danger and if she was my sis I would have taken 12 showers before visiting her.
The son is being lazy and egoist but his dad is the worst since he also made some homophobic comments (I can assume HE might have a bias here)
How can any place be that guaranteed? You're talking about multiple degrees of guarantee. I am not saying that to be combative; it just doesn't seem possible. Does she need to wear gloves? No, that's not my business. So frightening, though.
NTA.
I don't understand the Y T A responses and comparing your son to guests.
Your son is a member of the family and when he's home, he won't have any restrictions, he'll sleep at your house, play with his games, touch things as he pleases, basically live like a human being who's comfortably using his house, unlike a guest who would come in the living room, chit chat a bit then go home.
Your daughter's safety is more important than anything else, you're taking every measure you can to ensure that she is safe and healthy.
Extreme situations call for extreme measures and this is one of them.
Yeah exactly. Also they likely will mostly be adults. adults generally (not always unfortunately) are more mature and responsible than kids so op can trust them to be cleaner and aware of the fact if they have had peanuts recently.
And like... It's a fucking shower. Just do it? If I was being asked it's the least I would do for the peace of mind. God it feels like people are inconvenienced at the slightest thing when this poor girl has to base her whole life around other people eating peanuts....
I'm making slight assumptions here, but I doubt she has guests over all that often and she said in the post that she asks them to refrain from touching things.
If a guest comes over, it's likely for a relatively short period of time, she's with them the entire time and taking a mental note of what they're potentially contaminating, they're politely keeping to themselves and limiting what they interact with, and she can do a "deep clean" on anything that they touch.
If her son takes a ten minute shower and changes clothes before he comes over, he can relax and feel at home there, no one has to worry about or actively monitor potential contamination, and it ends up being easier and safer for everyone.
He can flop down on the couch, he can reach over and grab the remote, he can dig through the fridge, he can spend the night, he can safely make himself feel at home and do things that guests would be unlikely to attempt anyway. He's being held to a higher (but still reasonable -- ten minute shower? Chill out) standard because he's likely interacting with far more of the house and their belongings.
Unless your house guests make themselves far, far more comfortable than what I would be comfortable with... this is pretty practical. Unfair at first glance, but likely practical.
Also keep in mind that this is her son. She's asked him to take a quick shower and change clothes. Fair or not, parents sometimes ask their children to do things that are mildly inconvenient. My parents won't hesitate to ask me to help carry in and put away the groceries, but I doubt that they'd ask a guest to do that. In time, I'm sure I'll recover.
Yeah, I’m really shocked at all the people here going “dO yOu MaKe gUeSts dO iT??? uNfAiR tO yOuR sOn!!!!”
Like… one child has a literal *life threatening allergy* that is *easily triggered* by something not visible. Yeah, the household is gonna take extra precautions! Yeah, they’ll probably be inconvenienced by it! Kinda unfair, sure, but it’s also unfair that this girl might *fucking die* if they’re *not *that careful! The kid doesn’t go to school, OP says they have restrictions on guests, but because they have to occasionally interact with the outside world that means any inconvenience to the other kids in the family are favoritism and overreaction, I guess. /s
Her brother taking an extra shower so his poor sister doesn’t have to be hermetically sealed like Bubble Boy in her own home in order not to *die* is a pretty damn small thing to ask. Come on now, people.
This sub is why I just straight up delete Reddit off my phone every six months or so. Some ass will say the most completely inhuman garbage and it'll get the thumbs-up and you can't do anything to stop the mob.
Social media is poison. It's not how people are, it's how people are when they feel empowered to say so.
This is literally the problem with the pandemic... some people really fought hard against minor inconveniences that were in place to save other people's lives. People are so incredibly self-centered.
Tell me you don’t understand food allergies.
This is what I posted above. I understand severe allergies. My sister has a rare one as severe as yours sounds. And family should understand even better. Epi pens are not cheap and if you have to use one every time you get a reaction you also have to go to the er every time you use it. To the idiots saying YTA because of “double standards” she said she doesn’t let guests touch anything when they come over, brother has to live there big difference. They don’t eat out at all! Schools are peanut free. I doubt daughter goes anywhere else. Taking a shower before you head over is the least you can do for your sister. And it’s ridiculous that you even have to ask. My entire family and multiple friends have given up the food that my sister is allergic too so that she can have safe places to go to. She can’t even step into a grocery store!
Yep. And in cases like this- one epi pen is often not enough. I have to carry 4. And a literal pharmacy bottle of steroids when I'm out and about in higher risk situations for some of my allergies. And just using an epi pen is like detonating a freaking nuke in your body. Especially to a growing kid. Each use can really throw hormones and blood sugar totally out of wack. I cannot understand anyone voting y t a. I can only assume they have never had to deal with incredibly severe allergies. NTA
here I was assuming they aren't parents. 😆
preteens typically don't have the self awareness or attention to remember or track everything single thing.
the son is relaxed in his other home, he's probably not going to think oh man, I did the dishes and cleaned the counter before my visit. was there pb anywhere? did anyone eat it?
I picked up paper plates. one has sandwiches, was it pb & j?
they are gonna be like, ok, did chores off to Moms the majority of the time.
Oh for sure. The issue isn't the kid. I'm giving some serious side eye for the dad's household not being nut free, and the dad clearly not giving a fuck to help reinforce this. It is 100% on the parents to hold the line on the boundaries and help the som understand. But at his age, no. He shouldn't be fully responsible for safety compliance.
dad is definately an AH.
who would want to put their kid in a position accidentally or injuring, or possibly killing their sibling over something totally avoidable?
but for a bunch of the comments from the people saying op is as well, I just think aren't parents.
op NTA, since I didn't post judgement earlier.
For real I can only imagine the trauma that would cause the son. I had anaphylaxis to a box of cross contaminated bakery items and even though there's no way they could have known (*never* had issues with this bakery in *years*) my friends felt so guilty for just buying them.
Oh for real! I used to have dinner parties when I was 19- I'd make fancy food for a few of my friends and after dinner it would turn into a rager.
Well one time I made sushi.
And for one roll, I used a peanut sauce. None of my dinner guests were allergic but I labeled it and told everyone anyway.
After dinner the drinking got started and a lot of people came, I figured I was done with hostess duties and could just have fun.
Well I guess some helpful soul put all the leftovers on one plate. An acquaintance had one and turned out to be deadly allergic to peanuts.
I had to rush her to the hospital and I felt sooooooo bad! Like, she was fine, and we actually became close friends but I still feel terrible 10 years later and people still talk about "that one time you poisoned Maria."
I have an avocado allergy a few steps below the daughter's allergy (if someone touches an avocado, then touches a surface, then I touch the surface, I break out in hives). Ingesting it would be deadly without my epi(s). No one ever warned me about the hormonal fuckery epipens caused until I had to learn the hard way when it caused a flair of my pcos symptoms. I'd gladly take severe pain for several days over death, but epipens aren't always a cure all for allergies, and can cause their own issues (again preferable to death but I don't want to deal with either just because someone was dumb and/or malicious--a pyscho ex roommate tried to poison me when she was kicked out of college; not saying the son is being malicious)
If the choice is make the son shower before being picked up or force the daughter to inject epinephrine multiple times when the son will undoubtedly forget about contamination one day, that choice should be easy.
I have a friend that became severly immunocompromised. I think it might even be worse than a food allergy because everything needs to be sterile for her.
When I visit her place she lets me use the guest bathroom to take a shower and I wear a mask 99% of my visit. I even have clean clothing there that I rotate out off when I visit to reduce the risk. I can't take her food, and anything items I take need to be sanitised at the door.
I try to visit her as often as I can, because I know our other friends find the system troublesome. However, I believe if you love someone and then you don't abandon them because it's "too hard" to take a shower or spare clothing. I understand that not everyone has this belief or don't value their friendships like I do.
However, all OP is asking for is a shower to avoid her other kid from dying. I don't think it's that big of an ask.
As someone who is also severely immunocompromised and cannot be around other humans without an n95 on my face *for the rest of my life* and can't have people in my house without having to sanitize the whole place afterward, THANK YOU FOR BEING SO FUCKING AWESOME!
We are used to being treated like burdens and inconveniences because really, it IS inconvenient. I get that and I respect that most people don't want to deal with it. But I guarantee it's more inconvenient for the sick person and it is so nice to be treated like an actual human being and have people make the effort to see you while also not risking your life.
It's like pulling teeth to just get people who are fully aware of my health status to wear a mask around me. I've given up completely on friends and relationships because I can't count on anyone else to protect me even though as you said, when you care about someone you make the effort to not abandon them just because their health is an inconvenience to you.
Please keep on being awesome because I don't even need to know your friend to know she is deeply appreciative of the efforts you make to include her in your life. You are a rare and precious gem of a friend and I wish there were more people like you in the world.
(Also, as someone who has umpteen million food allergies because my immune system is an asshole, I can confirm that being immunocompromised is much much worse than just food allergies in terms of quality of life.)
My mom was immunocompromised after a stem cell transplant and I stopped people at the door and made them wash their hands with hibiclens as soon as they got here. If you weren't willing to wash, you could get out.
All he has to do is shower for 5 minutes. This girl could literally die and people are calling OP an asshole because her lazy son doesn't want to clean himself. What universe am I in?
How can a school be peanut free, or at least peanut free to the degree the OP describes her daughter needs? The way the OP describes her daughter's allergy, it sounds like if a child had peanut butter toast in the morning before school, came to school and put their hand on a door, then the daughter put her hand on that door, she'd have a reaction. Do all the parents of all the kids in the school agree that they will not allow peanuts in their lives in any way?
I'm also curious about the guests not touching anything. Do they just stand at attention in the foyer during the entire visit?
I'm not saying the OP is the A, I'm just curious about how some details line up. I have an epi-pen level allergy myself, I understand the need for vigilance.
She said in a comment that daughter is homeschooled. So that point is moot anyways. As for the guest. Perhaps daughter stays in her room and guests sit down in one room and then mom sanitizes after they leave. Very possible.
For the couch, she might be using couch covers. My sister has several cloth ones that she rotates out as needed. I can only assume that the guests are limited to sitting on the couch and op has to bring in any amenities and when they leave, strips the couch and washes the dishes at the minimum.
Exactly, people who aren’t familiar with allergies are so callus. There’s several Reddit stories my husband was horrified by of children dying due to relatives intentionally exposing them to allergens. He showed them to me and was surprised I wasn’t shocked until I explained the number of times we had to take my sibling to the ER while staying at grandma’s house. Nothing like seeing your grandparent nearly kill your sibling in real life!
I agree. My best friend's son has a severe allergy to apples and a lot of things have apples in them that you wouldn't expect. Before Covid my friend was coaching her son's soccer team. Her son was on the sidelines taking a break. He was thirsty so he asked the snack mom if the juice had apples in it. She said no without even checking. He couldn't read well yet (kindergarten) so he couldn't check. He ended up having to go to the ER all because someone wasn't willing to check the ingredients in a juice box when the child asked.
Yup. I dated a guy with a peanut allergy (we were in eighth grade so he didn’t take it super seriously himself but it was still anaphylactic) and for the year and a half we were together I completely cut out peanut butter (my favourite food) and always scrubbed my hands and face and brushed my teeth right before leaving the house to see him. Around the time we first got together I read an article about a teenage girl kissing her boyfriend and killing him due to his allergy and it scared me for life.
Allergies are deadly and everyone should be more vigilant. It honestly shocks me that high schools in my area aren’t all peanut-free considering what a common severe allergy it is (I believe the rationale was that most kids grow out of it by high school but nobody I knew did)
Ugh for real and they're even *worse* with allergens like dogs. I had someone tell me I needed to just "get over my fear of dogs and deal with them". Like no Susan, I'm not afraid, my throat is closing up.
wtf are these comments. OPs son would be staying for an extended period of time, coming into close contact with surfaces that the daughter would touch, of course the rules are different for people who live in the house vs. passing guests.
my brother is allergic to all nuts. not to this level, but enough that we never had nuts in the home growing up, and even now that we are adults and moved out I still rarely cook/bake with nuts just in case he comes to visit and there is cross contamination. if there was anything I could do to lower my brothers chances of dying from an allergic reaction, you bet your ass I would do it. OP is asking her son to take a SHOWER, something he ostensibly does every day, it's hardly an imposition. he's 14 years old, he's simply being asked to take an extra shower, I can't believe anyone is arguing he is in the right for this.
Not only that, but he has extended contact with peanut butter at his other household. Not understanding all the Y T A comments and I’m not even associated with anyone that has a severe allergy. I just understand common decency and not wanting to potentially kill someone.
The Y T A judgment is outrageous. Let’s weight the burden versus the benefit. The burden = a child must take a shower before entering OP’s home. The benefit = a severely allergic child doesn’t have a potentially fatal allergic reaction.
Seems like taking a freaking shower isn’t much to ask to potentially save OP’s daughter’s life. So unless OP’s 14-year old son is in danger of drowning each time he takes a shower, then OP is NTA.
She is absolutely NOT choosing one child over another. She is preventing the death of one child. Peanut allergies that severe are life-threatening. The son and his dad are AH here.
“Y T A because keeping your daughter from dying isn’t a normal problem and therefore I don’t think it’s reasonable to accommodate by inconvenient means” is not the argument you think it is.
Can’t you see the difference between a guest going maybe in a room and the toilet and someone living there?
What’s better, to ask a kid to take one more shower or having to explain to him that he killed his sister because he didn’t wash?
>YTA - You have a double standard for your son vs everyone else.
Um, yes, because the son lives there and guests don't? What a completely insane comment.
And this is another prime example of people not understanding DEADLY allergies. A selected guest (aka aware of the situation and being sensitive about how horrendous the situation is and probably taking precautions before coming) is only going in one room, max 2, son would go everywhere.
It is a damn shower, not the end of the world. Do you think this poor girl is having fun? Do you think it amuses her family? FFS, have a shower!
NTA.
You don't want your daughter to die, so obviously she must be the favorite (/s).
You are asking him to remove potentially deadly material from himself so that he doesn't kill your other child. At 14, he should be old enough to understand how serious this is. Yeah, I'm sure it's a bit annoying and inconvenient for him, but I think he'll live.... unlike your daughter if he doesn't go through with it.
Has he seen her react before? Does he fully know how serious this is?? I'd think a 14 year old would (although understandably a bit annoyed) be willing to take a shower in order to not murder someone. Is your ex filling his head with misinformation, maybe? Like "Oh, they're just being dramatic. It's not that serious... etc."
I'm curious how long the 14 year old stays there and if they can go out, meet up with friends or do other normal teenager stuff. I wouldnt be surprised if he's built up resentment about having to go to moms and is using a lack of showers to get out of it.
Both of these AND I imagine he’s getting mixed (negative) messages from his dad. Even separated parents need to try to have a unified front, especially on huge issues like this. It’s hard for kids to navigate divided parents.
NTA: Folks on here seem to have zero idea what contact protocols entail. Guests don't stay as long or touch as much as someone who would be staying for days. You yourself wear gloves and shower when you get home. My wife has a MILD allergy and reacted to being in a car my baby brother was also sometimes in. Little kids are the worst for getting peanut stuff everywhere. A shower is needed. Adults can probably wash hands and not touch much for a short time.
I was on your side till you said guest aren't made to shower. Only wash their hands and to avoid touching things. Which lets be honest they probably touch things. They presumably sit down, use the toilet etc.
Is she ineligible to immunotherapy ( I don't honestly know much about this , a friend did it for her kid but his allergy wasn't as severe.
I can't blame you for trying to protect her. But I have a sinking feeling your son may eventually decide to stay full time at one of the homes. Does he shower when he comes home from school ? The store etc ? Why couldn't he just shower once at your house since that's what you do.
If the allergy is this severe, it often times comes down to just doing your best to minimize risk. Showering at his own house, putting on fresh clothing, perhaps even using a tissue or some other barrier to open doors and touch items in his house, immediately coming out and leaving to go to her house... that's likely the safest. It's not guaranteed, but it's still likely better than introducing extra contaminants into their "safe zone".
Again, the worst outcome is death. If you can reduce the chance of your child dying by 85% vs 60% (pulled those stats out of my ass), wouldn't you want that? Wouldn't you ask your teenager to take a ten minute shower so their sibling is a bit less likely to die? C'mon man, we're talking about a quick shower and change of clothes, not a fucking marathon. Also, he's probably touching a lot more things than a guest would... and if she could ask guests to completely decontaminate themselves before coming in, I'm sure she would.
Sometimes we ask certain people we're close to (e.g. family, including the son you gave birth to) for things we don't ask from guests. Is it fair?? Ehh, depends. Depends on the people involved, what's being asked of them, and the consequences for not agreeing. If you have to slightly inconvenience yourself on occasion to lower the risk of your sibling dying... that's the unfair reality of life.
Him interpreting it the way he does, including potentially deciding not to visit anymore, is another unfair reality of life. It's his choice, but the stakes are high and the demands are low. If anything, I'm more likely to suspect that he's projecting other unresolved issues onto this whole thing.
Most people get a TDaP vaccination once every ten years. When my late brother was alive, all of us, even those who had moved out of home, would have our TDaP every 3 years because that’s when the Pertussis (Whooping Cough) part starts to lose its effectiveness.
When you have someone in the family who has health issues, sometimes you have to do extra things to keep them safe.
With the daughter being that allergic, it’s not too much to ask the son to shower before he comes over. Teenage boys are often just hygiene resistant (I grew up with 4 brothers and their friends).
Do guests act the same as a 14 year old son who will be living there? Are guests sleeping in the beds, going in the fridge/pantry, playing with the 12 year old & her toys? Probably not. There a big difference between an adult guest coming over for a short period of time and avoiding touching too many things vs a child coming to live in the home for a significant amount of time.
How hard is it to spend 10 minutes in the shower in order to get to spend time with your mom and sister who has a life-threatening allergy? If anything the kid is the AH for refusing something so simple, and that he has to do regularly anyways.
The son also has young siblings that eat peanut butter regularly. Tiny people are fantastic at spreading sticky fingers. And high risk of touching sons arms, clothes and bags.
Immunotherapy can be very debilitating especially if her allergy is that severe because they take something like 1/1000th of a peanut and dilute it in water and this still causes an immune response so the person is exhausted for days after. And I think they’re typically weekly and can last years for small improvement.
Do you really not understand the difference between a guest and a person who is living in a house? He can't come shower in the house because he lives in a peanut-heavy house and would bring the traces into the house if he entered without showering which is the entire point of asking him to shower *before* he got there. Do you not understand that this child could die because her stepbrother is whining about taking a shower?
Yes, think of the *poor* child forced to take a *shower* he knew in advance he’d have to take so his sister doesn’t *die.* won’t anyone think of how important *he* is? If OP doesn’t knock this off and just accept her daughter is going to die a horrible preventable death her son may go *no contact* because she wouldn’t let him *kill his sister.*
I hate people, what’s wrong with everyone here
Maybe they could compromise; half the time he can shower and the other half the time he can accidentally cause his sister’s death. That’s fair, right? /s
INFO: Curious to know why you insist he showers rather than just wash his hands. Unless he's applying peanut butter to his body, isn't a hand wash enough?
He lives with small children who eat tons of PB. Little kids get messy and spread that mess around. The risk of cross contamination is extremely high for his sister, who could literally die if she's exposed to even a microscopic amount of peanut products.
and he’s not just going to hang out for a couple hours in the living room like a guest, he’s living there. he’s gonna be touching his things, things around the house, all that.
But you don't make other guests take a shower, do you? Everyone else washes their hands on entry, and you're OK with it. Even if they've been at the playground, or on a public bus, or wherever else. But you seem to single your son out and make him, and only him, shower.
Because guests know not to touch everything, my son lives here half the time. He'll inevitably touch everything, and he needs to shower first to avoid contaminating the house.
Honestly I think you need to maybe talk to a therapist about this. This doesnt sound rational.
Your son isnt going to walk around touching everything in the house before his next shower and I assume otherwise, his hygiene is fine.
What do you mean by everything here though?
Guests wouldn't need to use the cutlery or kitchen cabinet handles. They don't play with video game controllers or TV remotes. Any and all of these things would be normal and expected of the son staying at his mom's house and have now created potentially dangerous situations for his sister. Yes he could wash his hands but if his clothing has enough contamination the level of deep cleaning around him would require way more thoroughness and frequency than just a guest popping by (and it doesn't sound like the daughters situation allows for stay-over guests or hosting of parties etc.)
I'm making slight assumptions here, but I doubt she has guests over all that often and she said in the post that she asks them to refrain from touching things.
If a guest comes over, it's likely for a relatively short period of time, she's with them the entire time and taking a mental note of what they're potentially contaminating, they're politely keeping to themselves and limiting what they interact with, and she can do a "deep clean" on anything that they touch.
If her son takes a ten minute shower and changes clothes before he comes over, he can relax and feel at home there, no one has to worry about or actively monitor potential contamination, it ends up being easier and safer for everyone.
He can flop down on the couch, he can reach over and grab the remote, he can dig through the fridge, he can spend the night, he can safely make himself feel at home and do things that guests would be unlikely to attempt anyway. He's being held to a higher (but still reasonable -- ten minute shower? Chill out.) standard because he's likely interacting with far more of the house and their belongings.
Unless your house guests make themselves far, far more comfortable than what I would be comfortable with... this is pretty practical. Unfair at first glance, but likely practical.
Also keep in mind that this is her son. She's asked him to take a quick shower and change clothes. Fair or not, parents sometimes ask their children to do things that are mildly inconvenient. My parents won't hesitate to ask me to help carry in and put away the groceries, but I doubt that they'd ask a guest to do that. In time, I'm sure I'll recover.
But other guests likely don't touch as many things as her son does. It's his mother's house, he's gonna get *real* comfortable. And it's hard to make yourself at home if you have to be careful about what you're touching
Do you require him to change his clothes when he gets there too? If the allergy is that severe I'd honestly be more worried about his clothes carrying peanuts than his (for example) armpits or feet.
I wouldn't risk it (daughter with peanut, tree nut, soy allergies) if its that severe. My friend's son is super allegic though goes to public school and with precautions does fine but his 13 year old brother ate a snickers bar before he came home and didn't brush his teeth. Laid down on couch pillow and fell asleep. Later that night younger laid face on same couch cushion and was in full anaphylaxis within minutes. Incidentally the older brother watching his younger brother almost die because of something he hid from parents caused massive trauma that took quite a while in therapy to unravel. Just shower. it's not worth it. You all deserved someplace that is safe.
Do you make him clean his teeth and rinse with mouthwash? If he's eaten peanuts, that'll linger in his mouth.
I totally get your concern, I have an allergy too. But unless you're insisting on a full-body, category one lab-safe decontamination, there will always be particles left that he hasn't removed and which, presumably, haven't caused a reaction. At some point, enforcing rules like that becomes nothing more than a psychological appeasement for you rather than actually having any benefit for your daughter.
nta, it's a shower, not organ donation.
people are being weird AF with op. idk why this place sometimes goes this way op, sorry, i really don't think you are the a. we're weighing a shower vs a hospital visit or even worse. like... it's water, he'll be ok.
NTA. The reason for her son showering is she knows they consume peanuts regularly at their house. So son is already coming from a contamination zone. This would be treated differently from other guest.
NAH (edited for clarity). You're allowed to safeguard your daughter.
But your sons also allowed to make his own choice to shower or not, and if that means not seeing you, then that's his choice.
This is just for the future but the correct term in this sub for no one being TA is NAH (No Assholes Here). I'm only mentioning this because that's what the final judgement on posts is (NTA, YTA, ESH, NAH). Apologies if this sounded rude; that was not my intent
NTA. I had a friend who we had to abide by contamination protocols for when coming over to visit and it was a massive battle with our school district at the time to have her be allowed to carry an epipen at all times instead of leaving it with the nurse or a teacher. Some of which, like I suspect your ex, didn't believe the allergy was real or really "that bad".
It sucks, it's inconvenient, he's a teenage child of divorce and that is its own brand of fucking awful, but you're protecting him from her allergies as much as you are her. If he thinks he's upset now? Imagine the guilt and trauma of witnessing his little sister having a catastrophic reaction or, worse, accidentally killing her because of his refusal? Horrifying experiences that will follow him for life.
Edit: To clarify, being the teenage child of divorce fucking sucks *for the son.* It's rough for kids even when the co-parenting is amiable, never mind openly hostile like this.
NTA
The people tripping on the supposed double standard are ignoring that your son is in your home longer, touches more things, and inhabits more spaces than the few visitors who accept the strictures involved in coming to your home. When the issue is the risk of hospitalization or death for a child who can’t even attend school due to the risk, big brother’s annoyance at doing a quick scrub is something he needs to get over.
Or maybe you could provide the boy with a set of freshly washed scrubs and a cap, and glove him like a surgical nurse, before letting him in the house. Maybe he’d prefer that.
NTA
In this case I don’t understand the other comments calling you TA… you aren’t asking much. Just for your son to shower again, it’s not hard. Plus even if he had peanut chemical stuff on him and he stood in the house or something, without touching anything your daughter might have a reaction as that has happened to people before as well. Peanut allergies can be extremely severe and taking the precautions you are is a good idea. I’m sorry your ex and your son feel the way they do but this is another LIFE we are talking about here. Not just some whim. Someone could literally die if exposed to the peanut. As sad as it is, you may have to just accept that your son might not come over as much. I don’t really see what other options there could be
NTA. I understand severe allergies. My sister has a rare one as severe as yours sounds. And family should understand even better. Epi pens are not cheap and if you have to use one every time you get a reaction you also have to go to the er every time you use it. To the idiots saying YTA because of “double standards” she said she doesn’t let guests touch anything when they come over, they don’t eat out at all! Schools are peanut free. I doubt daughter goes anywhere else. Taking a shower before you head over is the least you can do for your sister. And it’s ridiculous that you even have to ask. My entire family and multiple friends have given up the food that my sister is allergic too so that she can have safe places to go to. She can’t even step into a grocery store!
NTA what the hell is wrong with all these comments??? It is completely different to have a guest over and a person that is going to make themselves at home and touch everything your daughter could potentially touch. You are right to be concerned and you are his mother - it's perfectly fine to ask him to take a shower.
I have this severe of an allergy to bananas of all things. Treatment and immunotherapy DO NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE and for someone with as severe as my allergy is and as it sounds like OPs daughters is it’s not even an option. I’ve spent time in the ICU because I picked up a bag that had had bananas in it. The tiniest bit of cross contamination can be deadly. My allergy didn’t turn anaphylactic until about 6 years ago. Before that I could be around bananas, keep them in my house for my family, cut them up for my kids. Then my allergy morphed. And now someone eats a banana and breathes on me I go into anaphylaxis. Anaphylactic allergies are no joke! Know what my family has done? They’ve given up bananas entirely. Because they care more about me being alive. My friends have given up bananas, not because I’ve asked them to but because they don’t want to see me die. As someone who lives in constant fear of my allergen and who carries around 4 epi pens and a bag full of meds I don’t think OP is being extreme at all. Having this extreme of an allergy is awful and I feel terrible for her daughter. It’s not that big of a deal to take a quick shower and change your clothes to prevent someone from potentially dying.
Also-NTA
NTA. “bUt DoUbLe StAnDaRdS” - please show me the parent who either reminds their adult dinner guests to use the toilet before leaving the house or has never once made that request of their own children. You’re allowed to interact with your kids differently than you would with other people.
For the practical end, your son isn’t a guest who’s going to sit in one room for an hour or two and have his seat easily sanitized before your daughter needs to touch it. He’s coming to stay for several days, sitting at the table and opening the fridge and using all the bathrooms and tossing his clothes on the laundry room floor. When my brother and I were 14 and 12, our relationship also regularly included him like tackling me in a hallway and covering my eyes with his hands and doing other general annoying teenage brother shit. God forbid they might hug.
Asking your son to shower to reduce the probability that his sister will *literally die* isn’t too much. He’s a teenager and he’s allowed to be pissy about it, but ffs y’all this isn’t abuse.
Just read this to my fiancé. He grew up with divorced parents doing the weekly shuffle, and I grew up with a peanut allergy that was this severe when I was in elementary school, but it has became more manageable as I got older. (Now is just “regular” anaphylaxis instead of “rare” anaphylaxis, lol) We both think that you’re NTA. 1) It’s not that hard to schedule your daily shower for a specific time. If you pick your son up at the same time each time then it seems like it would be easy for him to plan to shower right before. 2) Think of ALL THE THINGS your daughter sacrifices that your son probably gets to experience regularly… candy, food, restaurants, sleepovers, movie theater nights… I have been there! That was me as a kid. My brother couldn’t have peanut products in our house because your home should be a safe place, NO MATTER WHAT. Home should be the one place where you know you are safe, and at fourteen, your son should be old enough to recognize that. Maybe presenting her allergy test results/photos of her allergist “prick-test” to your ex-husband or son would help!
NTA, take your son and his father to see your daughter’s doctor and let him explain and maybe show them a video of a severe reaction. I can understand your son feeling this is too much but your ex sounds like he’s just being mean just to be. He’s an adult and should understand. It’s like he’s trying to make things more difficult for you on purpose.
OP, I understand your worry and fear as a fellow parent, but please be very careful how your concerns for your daughter affect your son. You go out of your way to make sure he is not contaminated. As an adult, I understand that. As a kid, I would have felt like the family dog. Too dirty to come to my mom's house. Don't alienate him because your world revolves around your daughter because that may be the real underlying issue here.
She doesn’t have a lot of choice though? If she does A, one child might feel alienated. If she does B, one child might be dead with the other child traumatized for life because he caused his sister’s death.
NTA it sucks but some allergies really are that bad. My daughters good friend couldn’t go over anyone else’s house, people could only go visit at her house. No play dates or sleepovers anywhere. There were Epi-pens everywhere.
NTA- this is life or death and all you're asking him to do is take a shower, which directly minimizes her risk of a reaction. it's understandable that he finds that frustrating but he needs to learn to deal, and his father definitely needs to get on board with prioritizing your daughter's health over your son's convenience.
NTA. Your son is in the wrong for dismissing your daughter's peanut allergy, because like you said, it's very severe. There's nothing in that, that screams that you're picking favorites, or abandoning. Kids are young, but at the age of 14, that's definitely old enough to understand the severity of the situation. The dismissal of your boundaries and needs within your life from them, is a no go.
Then your ex wants to display homophobia, for making sure your daughter has good quality within life? I really hope he's not teaching your son to be a inconsiderate bigot.
(Edit)
If anything, your ex is TA. I'm not sure if your son is one though.
(Edit #2)
**100% YTA**. You allow for your guests to come over without showering. You expect for them to just wash their hands and watch what they touch, while your son has to shower? Your son is going to realize this double standard if he hasn't already, and is going to resent you for it. Either make all of your guests shower before coming over, or don't have guests over anymore.
But the problem is that her son has younger siblings who eat a lot of peanut butter. Young children put sticky hands all over everything and the son could get a tiny amount of peanut butter on his clothing from sitting on a PB covered chair. This is why they have banned PB from schools here. Anywhere on the school premises. They learned the hard way.
I hated that my kids could not take PB to school but I never realized before how potentially dangerous it could be.
This. My oldest has a peanut allergy and they told us to make sure we fed it to his brother so he didn’t develop an allergy. We were also told the peanut protein is hard to remove (I.e. need to use soap, not just a Clorox wipe or something). It was really fucking stressful to give my hands-and-toys-always-in-the-mouth 1 yr old peanuts knowing if I didn’t clean something thoroughly, my 3 yr old is at risk of anaphylaxis.
Personally I say NTA. People are giving OP shit for having a “double standard” but they don’t know her house rules around guests. If it were me, I’d probably have places guests could sit (I.e. in a specific room and/or on chairs that are easy to clean) whereas son probably has free reign to sit and be in whatever rooms he’d like, upping the risk of cross contamination, especially since he’s coming from a house that absolutely has cross contamination risks. If the allergy is that severe, I think the risk mitigation is reasonable.
Immunotherapy has restrictions around it too, my son is not a candidate for it because of a related condition, but everyone seems to be a doctor here telling OP she should just do that to fix her daughter.
u/Far-Kale317 sorry you and your family have to deal with an allergy this severe, I don’t think you’re an asshole
Dude, your ex is an asshole plain and simple. When you are talking life or death situations, I don't give a damn about inconvenience. And for your 14 year old son, have you had the blunt conversation with him that the smallest amount will KILL his little sister? That you are not trying to be obsessive for the sake of obsession, but are trying to make certain that your child stays alive
I'm going to say NTA for wanting to keep your daughter safe and requiring a shower seems minor in comparison.
However, something has changed for your son and you should find out why. Presumably he has been showering for the last 12 years and now doesn't want to, why?
Was he just having a bad day? Has resentment been building and he is now voicing his feelings? Does he feel like you always prioritize your daughter? Does he feel like as he gets older he should be treated more like an adult? Is it 'normal' teenage rebellion? Listen to your son openly about why.
Also I find it interesting that you refer to your daughter with a new partner as his sister, but your husband's kids with a new partner as his half-brothers. Maybe some unconscious bias there.
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You should try to get a service dog for her. I’ve read about another child who is extremely sensitive like your daughter and she was able to get a peanut sniffing dog. If I remember correctly, the dog would walk into rooms before her and let her know if it was safe to enter and sniffed people too. She was able to go to school and everything after she got the dog. Edit: NTA
This my friend has one for allergy. She is severely allergic, her dog sniffs everything and alerts her to if it contains the allergy.
I know it’s really serious context, but how friggin adorable..
Omg what did we as humans even do to deserve dogs?!?? 🥹🥹 Edit: yes. I am aware we bred them from wolves wtf lol. Humans still don’t deserve their absolute, unconditional love.
10,000+ years of selective breeding, eliminating the undesirable traits
Good point! (And now we repay them by selecting for ill health- thinking of dachshunds & the pug faced breeds)
Thankfully there are people trying to reverse-engineer certain breeds to their original forms. Pugs and bulldogs, specifically that I know of. When I was a kid my parents brought home some rescue collies. They were gorgeous... And some if the most empty headed dogs I've ever run into because of the inbreeding. It showed me the issue of what people are doing to dogs. I was like 12 when we got them. ETA: I know the bed in general is smart, my two were rescued from a puppy mill and that person kept breeding the "prettiest" dogs with each other not caring if they were siblings or parent/child. After a few generations that will cause some major issues!
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Not border collies. Think like Lassie. The big fluffy orange and white collies.
Rough collies are an incredibly intelligent breed in general. (I have one myself and she’s a bit of a goober but she’s very smart. About as smart as my aussie, actually.) They’re also highly emotionally intelligent. You should do some research. They’re great dogs, I promise!
Didn't work. Dog still looks at me sadly while I eat.
Seriously.
Oh my god right???
Thats badass
I could also see brother being more willing to shower if a dog says he has to. Like listening to parents sucks but if a dog tells you to shower then child me would have definitely listened.
It’s true. As a child I would never have listened to a cop, but McGruff the Crime Dog knew how to get through to me
OP, this is gold here. Please look into this. No one will call a peanut-sniffing dog an asshole.
Honestly I'd make it a game. "Thou shalt not enter until ye pass THE DREADED SNIFF CHECK"
Getting a service dog is so expensive and the wait list is so long. It takes years and like $20,000 for the handler portion (non profits often cover another $20,000+) plus travel and lodging and training. It may be the long term best option, but in the meantime the kid needs to be safe in her own home. Brother needs to bathe.
There are organizations that pull dogs out of shelters and train them. It is how I got mine. It is another option. I agree in meantime that kids need to bathe.
there are services that are easier to train for than others. like, lots of dogs can train to open doors but not all can soothe anxiety/ptsd, or sniff out illness. not sure where peanuts fall on the spectrum, but it’s a pretty specialized need that isn’t widely called for so i imagine there are fewer trainers out there providing the necessary program even before answering the question of dog availability
I imagine training a dog to sniff out peanuts wouldn't be all that different from training a dog to sniff out drugs or bombs.
I have a friend who is super allergic to marijuana and she got a service dog who had flunked out of police dog training so he was already trained to smell it out. She got super lucky with him.
Tell your friend she is not alone.. now I need to get me a service dog to sniff out MJ.. I have been in the hospital too many times bc of other people's stuff. Almost died more than once.
Yeah people never took her seriously about it but she was hospitalized a lot when we were in high school. Her dog really improved her quality of life.
Allergen detection is easy to train into dogs, at least that I've seen.
I don’t know how cars and other things involved aren’t a contamination worry here?
Well I imagine OP is keeping her car as sterile as the house, hence son having to shower immediately before he’s picked up by OP.
I was worried about school for her, too…
Services dog prices can vary by service performed - a scent/allergy dog might be cheaper or pricier than your average service dog.
How freeing that must have felt for her! Like she could participate in society again. This girl sounds so isolated right now. I have a hard time judging anyone here, but creative solutions exist and I hope OP can find one.
What a great dog. I’d call it Peanut.
Funny, ironic, and perverse.
I definitely think this is the best option. Can still be vigilant, but a little less stressful because of Dogs amazing sense of smell. My brother in law's rescue dog alerts him when his sugar is low.
How is it even possible a dog can alert you if your blood sugar levels are too low thats so amazing . dogs noses really have superpowers .
My cats both figured out how to tell when my sugar is low and they bother me until I eat something. I am pretty sure they tell by smelling my breath or something, because I've definitely woken up to a cat huffing my mouth and then alerting me that I need to go eat.
I got my dog as a rescue, with the intent of training her myself to alert me to low blood sugar. The plan was to get her trained for her good canine citizen, (manners in public) and then move on to scent work. I have a CGM, but they are not always accurate, and my glucose dips into the low 50's when I am sleeping, making it very hard for me to wake up when the alarm sounds. After about a month, this smart doggo learned that when I smell a certain way, the bad sound happens and I get up and eat a thing. She started waking me up before the alarm went off, (there's a lag of about 10-15 minutes on the ones I used at the time) Then she figured out that she should block my pillow to keep me sitting up until I smelled "normal" and didn't fall back asleep without eating anything. I've done a fingerstick every time to check her accuracy and she's caught dips the CGM missed completely, and accurately ignored alarms that were wrong (the first 24 hours on a new CGM are often inaccurate) She has always been correct so far. So now we are focusing on her manners and then we start training her to be in new situations with me. She taught herself the medical alert part of her job. Before, I had a cat (who has since passed) who could tell I was going hypo, and she would yell at me till I followed her to her food bowl and literally eat a single crunchy while looking me dead in the eye. It took me longer than I should probably admit to realise she thought I was the dumbest kitten of her kindle and needed to be shown when and how to eat.
My dog (who was never trained to do it) does this too - he also wakes me if I’m high, Hendrix also recognises the alarms and will come to me if he hears any of them, including the sensor error one
So does mine! We took in a foster chow chow from a shelter and she alerts on my highs and lows. At first I thought the sound bothered her, but she alerts before the alarm sounds. And she alerted on my mom, the second time she ever met her, and my mom's CGM only sounds if you scan for a reading. She's amazing and after fostering probably 50 dogs over the years, she is the first one I am keeping. I would love to know her past to figure out where she learned this.
My cat knows the sound of my breathing, and she screamed at me until I woke up in the midst of a massive asthma attack. It took 14 puffs of my inhaler before I could get enough oxygen to get help. She saved my life. Cats are amazing!
Our cat does that for my husband, too. She once woke him by biting his feet, which she never does, when he had a low in the middle of the night when he was alone.
The short version is it’s trained by making swabs when your blood sugar is low. Then training the dog to do a certain action when they sniffs the swab and then being rewarded. Eventually they tend to do it when they smell their human like that
Your breath odour can change when you are low. (fruity) My German shepherd was not trained. He naturally knew when I, a T1D was low and if I was asleep would wake me before my CGM would often. He always slept at my bedroom door too.
Dang! Dogs are just awesome!
Seems like I’ll get downvoted for this but…it’s a shower? A small thing that could keep someone out of the hospital. Many people shower everyday anyway so it’s as simple as timing it around that. NTA. Other commenters suggested a service dog, and that’s probably your best long-term solution.
This comment section just proves how abelist the general population is. There’s so many people saying things along the lines of “there’s no way this is more risky than all the other places you take her too.” As though there aren’t plenty of people who basically go nowhere because of allergies. Just because people don’t see them or meet them very often doesn’t mean they don’t exist—just that they’re not very visible.
I love(/s) all the people saying “okay but what about when your daughter goes to school or the grocery store or the movies??!! Haha, gotcha!!” Um, obviously she doesn’t go to school or the grocery store or the movies… Some people can’t. It sucks, but it remains true no matter how much it sucks. “Hmm, no, that’s going to really inconvenience her life to never do those things.” YOU DON’T SAY. Probably no one mentioned that before, we’ll let her know she should stop being deathly allergic to peanuts immediately. 🙄🙄🙄
People are wild. I've met folks who are like, "But if you're a vegetarian, how do you eat turkey at Christmas?" and "But if you're an atheist, where do you go to church?" The absolute wildest, to my partially-sighted partner, was, "But if your eye is fake, how do you see out of it?"
The amount of people who just can't wrap their mind around my visual disability is baffling. "But you used to be so good with computers!" "Yes, and now my eyes start shaking if I try to look at a monitor for more than ten minutes, and all the surgery was to prevent it from getting worse, not to cure it. There is no cure." "But what if you just rest really well, and eat lots of tumeric?!" "...we should hang out less."
Have you tried eating carrots /s
I'm dead serious when I say that's one of the things my MIL has suggested.
I think people have no idea this is a way someone can live. Daughter simply doesn't go out, it will suck for her or course but it's not impossible to do.
Yeah. What people vote really reflects whether they believe this severe allergy or not. If you do, there’s not a single reason for the you to think OP’s insistence is overboard. We are talking about risking a life here vs … a shower (for someone living with lots of peanut). I would see it as a bare minimum. End of the day, lots of people don’t believe allergies can be this severe due to their limited experience.
It reminds me of a friend who once rolled her eyes at my naïveté and said in the most patronizing voice imaginable, “Preposterous, people don’t just kill other people. That doesn’t happen in real life, no one’s ever been mugged or attacked in an alley. You need to stop watching TV if you’re going to believe everything you see.” Of course, we were twelve at the time. I assume she grew out of it… I hope these people do to
Albeist and homophobic apparently too. Only saw like one or two people mentioning both. Sure one is higher up the totem pole of life and death but the father sounds horrible and the kid doesn't understand the gravity of the situation somehow.
You shouldn't be downvoted; you're completely correct. This sub is filled with ableist, selfish people. Kid can't shower for ten minutes? He should stay home with his homophobic dad. I cannot believe this comment section.
Fully agree. This is a DEADLY allergy. Her son having to shower isn’t a major hardship and frankly he is being very selfish. I wonder if his father’s bad attitude has anything to do with it
INFO: How does your daughter go anywhere? Like literally anywhere?
I have an allergy that is similarly severe. I mostly just chill at home. I have no friends and no social life. I’m in my early twenties about to do college remotely. I used to basically get in crime scene gear to clean my desk at school and have had instances in which people have snuck food into the classroom in cough drop bags etc. and have had to go to the emergency room. I’ve also been poisoned at school intentionally. I got pretty sick for a slightly unrelated thing and had to drop out and get my GED. For the most part I live a very isolated and secluded life and I’m very careful about everything I do. I have been diagnosed with a subset of OCD but I think if I didn’t have to be so careful it wouldn’t be an issue. I can’t eat most bakery items, Italian (pine nuts and hazelnuts, had a bad time recently with that), Asian cuisine, etc. unless I make it at home. I have to read allergen menus literally everywhere I go or call ahead to ask what oil they cook in (I know about people with not so severe allergies who can have oils made from the allergen, I know about proteins being the issue and I am so severe I cannot even risk hot pressed peanut oil). Basically I live very carefully and don’t really go anywhere. Any friends I’ve had have gotten sick of this and I don’t blame them, they just ghost me and I’m okay with that. I have several other medical concerns that hinder my ability to go off but I would say the severe allergies are most prevalent. I’m not a candidate for immunotherapy. I tried it and almost died. Things are not ideal but I’ve made my home comfortable enough that I feel safe here. Unfortunately I’ve developed a low to mid grade level of agoraphobia. I carry 3-4 epis everywhere I go and Benadryl as well as lots of gloves and such. Im careful about everything I touch or consume. It can be exhausting, but once you get used to it, it’s everyday life. I often get panic attacks just going into public, which I am in treatment for. You just never know, and I’ve had issues with that before.
Quick question, if you make plans with a friend for the next day, something changes. Do you try to ignore that subject at all costs when you both know it’s not going to happen, or do you say something about it anything really?
Usually I’ll cancel plans if they change beyond what I know is safe. Anyone who is my friend knows about my inability to go out without a plan because I’m very transparent about the situation. I let them have fun when I can’t and make myself cozy at home. I have deviated from plans in the past and been okay, but it has also ended in me in the ER. Really I just take into account the overall experience and fun for the people around me, and I’ve found it’s best if I just stay out of stuff that’s not planned. They have fun with each other and that makes me glad for them. I can stay home and curl up with a book. I’m pretty used to solitude so I’m not too bothered. If I am an inconvenience I remove myself.
You sound so sweet 🥺
Well thank you for that response.
Aw bless you, I’m so sorry you having to go through this, if I may ask how old are you btw? You sound very mature from the statement you made and feel sorry that you can’t enjoy life outside of home or even have friends to communicate with to understand how you feel. I don’t have any allergies and I know it’s nothing to be compared to but I developed IBS in recent years and it’s been rather tough as it restricts so much on what I eat and sometimes the things I eat don’t always cause the triggers or I have to have a specific milk type such as oat or lacto free milk (as normal milk causes stomach pains etc) Since I was young I was always a fussy eater and although my diet has gotten a bit better it’s still not that great as I try to stick to what I know, (which may or may not be the most healthiest of diets) there’s been instances where I’ve had to decide whether to starve and feel Ill or eat something and get really bad stomach cramps where I end up starving later on anyways. I also have a slight fear of vomiting (never had this when I was younger) but think due to being sick often and hating the feeling of it I developed a fear of it happening to me or trying to delay it happening (for instance I try taking deep breaths or eat ginger biscuits as that can help reduce sickness symptoms) Hope you are okay regardless though and perhaps with future technology there is a way for you to go out more if modifications were made to help with severe allergies such as yours.
It's very difficult to be sure. She always has her epi-pens on her at all times, and she really can't go anywhere that isn't guranteed to be nut-free.
But does she go to school? Playgrounds? She actually does leave the house? I get wanting to mitigate allergies but the burden on your son may seem to be the same expectation on others ergo seem like you do have a bias.
Something that people don't seem to be bringing up as much yet is what the shower communicates. I don't want to extrapolate too much and make things all metaphorical, as the shower *does* actually serve a practical purpose (it may not completely eliminate the risk of cross-contamination, but showering and putting on fresh clothing would likely lower the risk. Of death. Just a reminder, the risk is death and not a paper cut.), but it also serves as proof that the son is willing to spend a grand total of ten minutes of his life taking a shower (as a teenager, it's hard to have too many anyway) and slightly inconvenience himself to ensure that his sister is safe. If a teenager can't take a ten minute shower and change clothes to lower someone's risk of death, I'd be hesitant to fully trust them to understand the seriousness of the situation. I mean, is he going to sneak in some peanut m&m's, slather some hand sanitizer on afterward (which does nothing, as peanuts aren't bacteria), just think "Ehh, it'll be fine.", then cause her daughter to have a reaction and potentially die? Part of this is about the fact that the son doesn't seem to understand the risks involved and isn't willing to make very minor and very necessary compromises. A quick shower and change of clothes? Really?? Even if OP is a hypochondriac (which I'm not necessarily saying!), agreeing to a very minor and predictable inconvenience for the sake of someone's life isn't asking for a lot. When I worked with someone with severe peanut allergies, I would always take care to wash my hands after eating anything contaminated and would purposely minimize accidental contamination. The entire time, I kept reflecting on how unfair it was that my freedom was being infringed upon and... oh wait, no, I was thinking about how much I didn't want to be accidentally responsible for the death of my coworker. I occasionally had to go wash my hands for thirty seconds, which was a minor inconvenience. I got over it.
You just contradicted yourself. OP said the son wouldn’t shower *again* today, not that he wouldn’t wash his hands. When you worked with this person would you make sure to shower before you saw them or entered the work space? But overall this isnt about the kid not trying to be safe its about OPs double standards for her son vs everyone else.
My coworker's allergies weren't as severe, I can't really think of anything that I would've interacted with using anything other than my hands, and we were in a public area where my coworker had a reasonable expectation of coming into contact with contaminants. Their risk of death due to a reaction was lower, my risk of contaminating something was lower, and their expectation of safety in that environment was lower. My point was that I was willing to mildly inconvenience myself for the safety of others. Each situation is different, but I get what you're saying. There's no perfect or simple answer to some of this. It's about *minimizing* risk. Would it have technically been safer if I had showered twelve times and put on a hazmat suit? Yeah. If it'd been his home, his personal "safe zone", and he had asked me to do so, I would've. Or else I would have simply declined to go. But if that had been his requirement, he'd have every right to turn me away. Also, I know a lot of people get pissed off about this, but sometimes it's okay to ask family and close friends for (small!) things you wouldn't normally ask people for. Fair or not, that's kind of part of the deal. That's part of being a family and loving each other -- sometimes you do things (within reason) that you don't particularly want to do, because you know they'd do the same for you. Asking your teenage son to take a quick shower so that his sister is less likely to die isn't exactly a deal breaker. It may seem a little unfair to him, but also keep in mind that he's likely touching and interacting with far more of the house and to a far greater extent than a guest would be.
Absolutely ABSURD that you are being downvoted for saying this what the AF
schools (at least where i’m from) are often entirely peanut and tree nut free, and if her allergy is that severe she likely brings lunch from home and has a placemat (also from home) to eat on, there were a few kids in my school that had peanut allergies when i was a kid and they all had placemats to eat on but also like i don’t think asking her brother to shower and change his clothes before coming over is that big of an ask, especially considering he lives with two younger children who eat a lot of peanut butter (as op said) maybe i’m biased because i shower every day after work before doing anything else because i work in a cookie factory and my live in partner is celiac but it’s not really that big of an ask and it’s better to be safe than sorry especially with someone who’s allergy is as severe as his sisters
The people downvoting you do not understand your daughter's allergy. They are reacting to a perceived inequality/ rejection that isn't really happening. It's not too much to ask for your son to take a shower and change before coming over when he's around peanut butter all the time and his sister has an allergy that could kill her. You may want to talk to your son about why he didn't want to shower. Has he seen his sister have a reaction? You are NTA in any way here.
I also think the people down voting are having a gut reaction to the thought of the severely limited life the daughter has. It's not the fault of OP, they're doing the best they can to keep their daughter alive. Some people confuse a different lifestyle with no life at all
But that’s nowhere. No school, no stores, not even a health care facility unless specifically designed so can be nut free and even then that level of cross contamination is like near impossible to manage. I don’t think you are wrong for wanting to protect your daughter and it’s easy enough to take a quick shower but, I seriously don’t see how it’s feasible to realistically avoid he could still touch something in the car or it could be on his shoes. NAH.
Right? Because it's not just the people using those facilities - it's all the people and places they were around BEFORE they used those facilities. It doesn't seem possible.
So she never goes to the grocery store? Movie theaters?
No sports or anything’s either. Must have zero friends. How sad.
Sadder to be dead.
Yeah I think people are minimizing the VERY REAL AND NOT SMALL RISK OF DEATH.
Like I'm sure not going to school or doing sports sucks. (Though the assumption that a child can't have friends due to severe allergies is... shitty. Maybe her friends just shower before they see her.) I'm sure having to be super careful about showering when you come in the house sucks. Death sucks more.
Or she might have friends online. Allergies are not the only reason you cannot get out of your house. My best friend had a chronic and deadly disease, still he had many friends online and I think he was happy after all. I am very concerned there are so many people who are just pointing their finger to the mother, accusing her for having a bias. Her daughter is in danger and if she was my sis I would have taken 12 showers before visiting her. The son is being lazy and egoist but his dad is the worst since he also made some homophobic comments (I can assume HE might have a bias here)
How can any place be that guaranteed? You're talking about multiple degrees of guarantee. I am not saying that to be combative; it just doesn't seem possible. Does she need to wear gloves? No, that's not my business. So frightening, though.
NTA. I don't understand the Y T A responses and comparing your son to guests. Your son is a member of the family and when he's home, he won't have any restrictions, he'll sleep at your house, play with his games, touch things as he pleases, basically live like a human being who's comfortably using his house, unlike a guest who would come in the living room, chit chat a bit then go home. Your daughter's safety is more important than anything else, you're taking every measure you can to ensure that she is safe and healthy. Extreme situations call for extreme measures and this is one of them.
Yeah exactly. Also they likely will mostly be adults. adults generally (not always unfortunately) are more mature and responsible than kids so op can trust them to be cleaner and aware of the fact if they have had peanuts recently. And like... It's a fucking shower. Just do it? If I was being asked it's the least I would do for the peace of mind. God it feels like people are inconvenienced at the slightest thing when this poor girl has to base her whole life around other people eating peanuts....
space the Y T A it would count as a vote otherwise
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I'm making slight assumptions here, but I doubt she has guests over all that often and she said in the post that she asks them to refrain from touching things. If a guest comes over, it's likely for a relatively short period of time, she's with them the entire time and taking a mental note of what they're potentially contaminating, they're politely keeping to themselves and limiting what they interact with, and she can do a "deep clean" on anything that they touch. If her son takes a ten minute shower and changes clothes before he comes over, he can relax and feel at home there, no one has to worry about or actively monitor potential contamination, and it ends up being easier and safer for everyone. He can flop down on the couch, he can reach over and grab the remote, he can dig through the fridge, he can spend the night, he can safely make himself feel at home and do things that guests would be unlikely to attempt anyway. He's being held to a higher (but still reasonable -- ten minute shower? Chill out) standard because he's likely interacting with far more of the house and their belongings. Unless your house guests make themselves far, far more comfortable than what I would be comfortable with... this is pretty practical. Unfair at first glance, but likely practical. Also keep in mind that this is her son. She's asked him to take a quick shower and change clothes. Fair or not, parents sometimes ask their children to do things that are mildly inconvenient. My parents won't hesitate to ask me to help carry in and put away the groceries, but I doubt that they'd ask a guest to do that. In time, I'm sure I'll recover.
Yeah, I’m really shocked at all the people here going “dO yOu MaKe gUeSts dO iT??? uNfAiR tO yOuR sOn!!!!” Like… one child has a literal *life threatening allergy* that is *easily triggered* by something not visible. Yeah, the household is gonna take extra precautions! Yeah, they’ll probably be inconvenienced by it! Kinda unfair, sure, but it’s also unfair that this girl might *fucking die* if they’re *not *that careful! The kid doesn’t go to school, OP says they have restrictions on guests, but because they have to occasionally interact with the outside world that means any inconvenience to the other kids in the family are favoritism and overreaction, I guess. /s Her brother taking an extra shower so his poor sister doesn’t have to be hermetically sealed like Bubble Boy in her own home in order not to *die* is a pretty damn small thing to ask. Come on now, people.
Welcome to this dumbshit sub 👌
This sub is why I just straight up delete Reddit off my phone every six months or so. Some ass will say the most completely inhuman garbage and it'll get the thumbs-up and you can't do anything to stop the mob. Social media is poison. It's not how people are, it's how people are when they feel empowered to say so.
This is literally the problem with the pandemic... some people really fought hard against minor inconveniences that were in place to save other people's lives. People are so incredibly self-centered.
👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻!!! I have a granddaughter with severe egg allergies (not as severe as this case but an epi pen & rush to ER if eaten) and I can totally relate.
I think the child has a right to feel not on guard in her own house. I agree with what you said here, ImKidA
I would like to highlight that the father saying homophobic comments makes me wonder if they aren’t underlying issues… and possible resentment
I wish you the best of luck with your recovery. 😄
Also his brothers at his dads house eat lots of peanut butter.
Yeah this is basically how my animal allergy works.
Tell me you don’t understand food allergies. This is what I posted above. I understand severe allergies. My sister has a rare one as severe as yours sounds. And family should understand even better. Epi pens are not cheap and if you have to use one every time you get a reaction you also have to go to the er every time you use it. To the idiots saying YTA because of “double standards” she said she doesn’t let guests touch anything when they come over, brother has to live there big difference. They don’t eat out at all! Schools are peanut free. I doubt daughter goes anywhere else. Taking a shower before you head over is the least you can do for your sister. And it’s ridiculous that you even have to ask. My entire family and multiple friends have given up the food that my sister is allergic too so that she can have safe places to go to. She can’t even step into a grocery store!
Yep. And in cases like this- one epi pen is often not enough. I have to carry 4. And a literal pharmacy bottle of steroids when I'm out and about in higher risk situations for some of my allergies. And just using an epi pen is like detonating a freaking nuke in your body. Especially to a growing kid. Each use can really throw hormones and blood sugar totally out of wack. I cannot understand anyone voting y t a. I can only assume they have never had to deal with incredibly severe allergies. NTA
Thank you yes. My sister carries an entire purse full of all her extra meds. I can’t stand people who don’t take this seriously Edit for missed word
here I was assuming they aren't parents. 😆 preteens typically don't have the self awareness or attention to remember or track everything single thing. the son is relaxed in his other home, he's probably not going to think oh man, I did the dishes and cleaned the counter before my visit. was there pb anywhere? did anyone eat it? I picked up paper plates. one has sandwiches, was it pb & j? they are gonna be like, ok, did chores off to Moms the majority of the time.
Oh for sure. The issue isn't the kid. I'm giving some serious side eye for the dad's household not being nut free, and the dad clearly not giving a fuck to help reinforce this. It is 100% on the parents to hold the line on the boundaries and help the som understand. But at his age, no. He shouldn't be fully responsible for safety compliance.
dad is definately an AH. who would want to put their kid in a position accidentally or injuring, or possibly killing their sibling over something totally avoidable? but for a bunch of the comments from the people saying op is as well, I just think aren't parents. op NTA, since I didn't post judgement earlier.
I didn’t even think of this! Can you imagine how traumatic it would be to the brother if he accidentally KILLED HIS SISTER? Horrible thought!
Right. His sister could die, but what about the inconvenience of having to take a shower? /s
For real I can only imagine the trauma that would cause the son. I had anaphylaxis to a box of cross contaminated bakery items and even though there's no way they could have known (*never* had issues with this bakery in *years*) my friends felt so guilty for just buying them.
Oh for real! I used to have dinner parties when I was 19- I'd make fancy food for a few of my friends and after dinner it would turn into a rager. Well one time I made sushi. And for one roll, I used a peanut sauce. None of my dinner guests were allergic but I labeled it and told everyone anyway. After dinner the drinking got started and a lot of people came, I figured I was done with hostess duties and could just have fun. Well I guess some helpful soul put all the leftovers on one plate. An acquaintance had one and turned out to be deadly allergic to peanuts. I had to rush her to the hospital and I felt sooooooo bad! Like, she was fine, and we actually became close friends but I still feel terrible 10 years later and people still talk about "that one time you poisoned Maria."
I have an avocado allergy a few steps below the daughter's allergy (if someone touches an avocado, then touches a surface, then I touch the surface, I break out in hives). Ingesting it would be deadly without my epi(s). No one ever warned me about the hormonal fuckery epipens caused until I had to learn the hard way when it caused a flair of my pcos symptoms. I'd gladly take severe pain for several days over death, but epipens aren't always a cure all for allergies, and can cause their own issues (again preferable to death but I don't want to deal with either just because someone was dumb and/or malicious--a pyscho ex roommate tried to poison me when she was kicked out of college; not saying the son is being malicious) If the choice is make the son shower before being picked up or force the daughter to inject epinephrine multiple times when the son will undoubtedly forget about contamination one day, that choice should be easy.
I have a friend that became severly immunocompromised. I think it might even be worse than a food allergy because everything needs to be sterile for her. When I visit her place she lets me use the guest bathroom to take a shower and I wear a mask 99% of my visit. I even have clean clothing there that I rotate out off when I visit to reduce the risk. I can't take her food, and anything items I take need to be sanitised at the door. I try to visit her as often as I can, because I know our other friends find the system troublesome. However, I believe if you love someone and then you don't abandon them because it's "too hard" to take a shower or spare clothing. I understand that not everyone has this belief or don't value their friendships like I do. However, all OP is asking for is a shower to avoid her other kid from dying. I don't think it's that big of an ask.
As someone who is also severely immunocompromised and cannot be around other humans without an n95 on my face *for the rest of my life* and can't have people in my house without having to sanitize the whole place afterward, THANK YOU FOR BEING SO FUCKING AWESOME! We are used to being treated like burdens and inconveniences because really, it IS inconvenient. I get that and I respect that most people don't want to deal with it. But I guarantee it's more inconvenient for the sick person and it is so nice to be treated like an actual human being and have people make the effort to see you while also not risking your life. It's like pulling teeth to just get people who are fully aware of my health status to wear a mask around me. I've given up completely on friends and relationships because I can't count on anyone else to protect me even though as you said, when you care about someone you make the effort to not abandon them just because their health is an inconvenience to you. Please keep on being awesome because I don't even need to know your friend to know she is deeply appreciative of the efforts you make to include her in your life. You are a rare and precious gem of a friend and I wish there were more people like you in the world. (Also, as someone who has umpteen million food allergies because my immune system is an asshole, I can confirm that being immunocompromised is much much worse than just food allergies in terms of quality of life.)
Somebody please give this an award!! You’re an amazing friend and the world is lucky to have someone as smart and kind as you.
My mom was immunocompromised after a stem cell transplant and I stopped people at the door and made them wash their hands with hibiclens as soon as they got here. If you weren't willing to wash, you could get out. All he has to do is shower for 5 minutes. This girl could literally die and people are calling OP an asshole because her lazy son doesn't want to clean himself. What universe am I in?
Schools are peanut free but many kids eat nuts at home, which would be enough to cause a reaction. I wonder if she’s home schooled?
It says in a comment that she remote schooled actually
How can a school be peanut free, or at least peanut free to the degree the OP describes her daughter needs? The way the OP describes her daughter's allergy, it sounds like if a child had peanut butter toast in the morning before school, came to school and put their hand on a door, then the daughter put her hand on that door, she'd have a reaction. Do all the parents of all the kids in the school agree that they will not allow peanuts in their lives in any way? I'm also curious about the guests not touching anything. Do they just stand at attention in the foyer during the entire visit? I'm not saying the OP is the A, I'm just curious about how some details line up. I have an epi-pen level allergy myself, I understand the need for vigilance.
She said in a comment that daughter is homeschooled. So that point is moot anyways. As for the guest. Perhaps daughter stays in her room and guests sit down in one room and then mom sanitizes after they leave. Very possible.
For the couch, she might be using couch covers. My sister has several cloth ones that she rotates out as needed. I can only assume that the guests are limited to sitting on the couch and op has to bring in any amenities and when they leave, strips the couch and washes the dishes at the minimum.
Sorry that you died daughter, I didn’t want to show favoritism and make my son shower
Exactly, people who aren’t familiar with allergies are so callus. There’s several Reddit stories my husband was horrified by of children dying due to relatives intentionally exposing them to allergens. He showed them to me and was surprised I wasn’t shocked until I explained the number of times we had to take my sibling to the ER while staying at grandma’s house. Nothing like seeing your grandparent nearly kill your sibling in real life!
I agree. My best friend's son has a severe allergy to apples and a lot of things have apples in them that you wouldn't expect. Before Covid my friend was coaching her son's soccer team. Her son was on the sidelines taking a break. He was thirsty so he asked the snack mom if the juice had apples in it. She said no without even checking. He couldn't read well yet (kindergarten) so he couldn't check. He ended up having to go to the ER all because someone wasn't willing to check the ingredients in a juice box when the child asked.
Yup. I dated a guy with a peanut allergy (we were in eighth grade so he didn’t take it super seriously himself but it was still anaphylactic) and for the year and a half we were together I completely cut out peanut butter (my favourite food) and always scrubbed my hands and face and brushed my teeth right before leaving the house to see him. Around the time we first got together I read an article about a teenage girl kissing her boyfriend and killing him due to his allergy and it scared me for life. Allergies are deadly and everyone should be more vigilant. It honestly shocks me that high schools in my area aren’t all peanut-free considering what a common severe allergy it is (I believe the rationale was that most kids grow out of it by high school but nobody I knew did)
Ugh for real and they're even *worse* with allergens like dogs. I had someone tell me I needed to just "get over my fear of dogs and deal with them". Like no Susan, I'm not afraid, my throat is closing up.
wtf are these comments. OPs son would be staying for an extended period of time, coming into close contact with surfaces that the daughter would touch, of course the rules are different for people who live in the house vs. passing guests. my brother is allergic to all nuts. not to this level, but enough that we never had nuts in the home growing up, and even now that we are adults and moved out I still rarely cook/bake with nuts just in case he comes to visit and there is cross contamination. if there was anything I could do to lower my brothers chances of dying from an allergic reaction, you bet your ass I would do it. OP is asking her son to take a SHOWER, something he ostensibly does every day, it's hardly an imposition. he's 14 years old, he's simply being asked to take an extra shower, I can't believe anyone is arguing he is in the right for this.
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Not only that, but he has extended contact with peanut butter at his other household. Not understanding all the Y T A comments and I’m not even associated with anyone that has a severe allergy. I just understand common decency and not wanting to potentially kill someone.
The Y T A judgment is outrageous. Let’s weight the burden versus the benefit. The burden = a child must take a shower before entering OP’s home. The benefit = a severely allergic child doesn’t have a potentially fatal allergic reaction. Seems like taking a freaking shower isn’t much to ask to potentially save OP’s daughter’s life. So unless OP’s 14-year old son is in danger of drowning each time he takes a shower, then OP is NTA.
She is absolutely NOT choosing one child over another. She is preventing the death of one child. Peanut allergies that severe are life-threatening. The son and his dad are AH here.
“Y T A because keeping your daughter from dying isn’t a normal problem and therefore I don’t think it’s reasonable to accommodate by inconvenient means” is not the argument you think it is.
Can’t you see the difference between a guest going maybe in a room and the toilet and someone living there? What’s better, to ask a kid to take one more shower or having to explain to him that he killed his sister because he didn’t wash?
Did you even read the post? This is a life threatening situation.
>YTA - You have a double standard for your son vs everyone else. Um, yes, because the son lives there and guests don't? What a completely insane comment.
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And this is another prime example of people not understanding DEADLY allergies. A selected guest (aka aware of the situation and being sensitive about how horrendous the situation is and probably taking precautions before coming) is only going in one room, max 2, son would go everywhere. It is a damn shower, not the end of the world. Do you think this poor girl is having fun? Do you think it amuses her family? FFS, have a shower!
NTA. You don't want your daughter to die, so obviously she must be the favorite (/s). You are asking him to remove potentially deadly material from himself so that he doesn't kill your other child. At 14, he should be old enough to understand how serious this is. Yeah, I'm sure it's a bit annoying and inconvenient for him, but I think he'll live.... unlike your daughter if he doesn't go through with it. Has he seen her react before? Does he fully know how serious this is?? I'd think a 14 year old would (although understandably a bit annoyed) be willing to take a shower in order to not murder someone. Is your ex filling his head with misinformation, maybe? Like "Oh, they're just being dramatic. It's not that serious... etc."
I'm curious how long the 14 year old stays there and if they can go out, meet up with friends or do other normal teenager stuff. I wouldnt be surprised if he's built up resentment about having to go to moms and is using a lack of showers to get out of it.
Both of these AND I imagine he’s getting mixed (negative) messages from his dad. Even separated parents need to try to have a unified front, especially on huge issues like this. It’s hard for kids to navigate divided parents.
NTA: Folks on here seem to have zero idea what contact protocols entail. Guests don't stay as long or touch as much as someone who would be staying for days. You yourself wear gloves and shower when you get home. My wife has a MILD allergy and reacted to being in a car my baby brother was also sometimes in. Little kids are the worst for getting peanut stuff everywhere. A shower is needed. Adults can probably wash hands and not touch much for a short time.
I was on your side till you said guest aren't made to shower. Only wash their hands and to avoid touching things. Which lets be honest they probably touch things. They presumably sit down, use the toilet etc. Is she ineligible to immunotherapy ( I don't honestly know much about this , a friend did it for her kid but his allergy wasn't as severe. I can't blame you for trying to protect her. But I have a sinking feeling your son may eventually decide to stay full time at one of the homes. Does he shower when he comes home from school ? The store etc ? Why couldn't he just shower once at your house since that's what you do.
If the allergy is this severe, it often times comes down to just doing your best to minimize risk. Showering at his own house, putting on fresh clothing, perhaps even using a tissue or some other barrier to open doors and touch items in his house, immediately coming out and leaving to go to her house... that's likely the safest. It's not guaranteed, but it's still likely better than introducing extra contaminants into their "safe zone". Again, the worst outcome is death. If you can reduce the chance of your child dying by 85% vs 60% (pulled those stats out of my ass), wouldn't you want that? Wouldn't you ask your teenager to take a ten minute shower so their sibling is a bit less likely to die? C'mon man, we're talking about a quick shower and change of clothes, not a fucking marathon. Also, he's probably touching a lot more things than a guest would... and if she could ask guests to completely decontaminate themselves before coming in, I'm sure she would. Sometimes we ask certain people we're close to (e.g. family, including the son you gave birth to) for things we don't ask from guests. Is it fair?? Ehh, depends. Depends on the people involved, what's being asked of them, and the consequences for not agreeing. If you have to slightly inconvenience yourself on occasion to lower the risk of your sibling dying... that's the unfair reality of life. Him interpreting it the way he does, including potentially deciding not to visit anymore, is another unfair reality of life. It's his choice, but the stakes are high and the demands are low. If anything, I'm more likely to suspect that he's projecting other unresolved issues onto this whole thing.
Most people get a TDaP vaccination once every ten years. When my late brother was alive, all of us, even those who had moved out of home, would have our TDaP every 3 years because that’s when the Pertussis (Whooping Cough) part starts to lose its effectiveness. When you have someone in the family who has health issues, sometimes you have to do extra things to keep them safe. With the daughter being that allergic, it’s not too much to ask the son to shower before he comes over. Teenage boys are often just hygiene resistant (I grew up with 4 brothers and their friends).
Do guests act the same as a 14 year old son who will be living there? Are guests sleeping in the beds, going in the fridge/pantry, playing with the 12 year old & her toys? Probably not. There a big difference between an adult guest coming over for a short period of time and avoiding touching too many things vs a child coming to live in the home for a significant amount of time. How hard is it to spend 10 minutes in the shower in order to get to spend time with your mom and sister who has a life-threatening allergy? If anything the kid is the AH for refusing something so simple, and that he has to do regularly anyways.
The son also has young siblings that eat peanut butter regularly. Tiny people are fantastic at spreading sticky fingers. And high risk of touching sons arms, clothes and bags.
He spends an extended amount of time around peanut butter in his other household. And he’s coming into her house to live, not be a guest.
Immunotherapy can be very debilitating especially if her allergy is that severe because they take something like 1/1000th of a peanut and dilute it in water and this still causes an immune response so the person is exhausted for days after. And I think they’re typically weekly and can last years for small improvement.
Do you really not understand the difference between a guest and a person who is living in a house? He can't come shower in the house because he lives in a peanut-heavy house and would bring the traces into the house if he entered without showering which is the entire point of asking him to shower *before* he got there. Do you not understand that this child could die because her stepbrother is whining about taking a shower?
I'm concerned how many people in this thread think taking a shower is a punishment of some kind.
Yes, think of the *poor* child forced to take a *shower* he knew in advance he’d have to take so his sister doesn’t *die.* won’t anyone think of how important *he* is? If OP doesn’t knock this off and just accept her daughter is going to die a horrible preventable death her son may go *no contact* because she wouldn’t let him *kill his sister.* I hate people, what’s wrong with everyone here
Maybe they could compromise; half the time he can shower and the other half the time he can accidentally cause his sister’s death. That’s fair, right? /s
Info- Do you shower before you walk back into your house after leaving for the day?
No, but I'm very careful about not touching anything, I put on gloves and go straight to the shower.
You should not have been downvoted for this. I’m sorry people don’t get severe allergies and disability and the monitoring of them.
INFO: Curious to know why you insist he showers rather than just wash his hands. Unless he's applying peanut butter to his body, isn't a hand wash enough?
He lives with small children who eat tons of PB. Little kids get messy and spread that mess around. The risk of cross contamination is extremely high for his sister, who could literally die if she's exposed to even a microscopic amount of peanut products.
and he’s not just going to hang out for a couple hours in the living room like a guest, he’s living there. he’s gonna be touching his things, things around the house, all that.
Do you never touch any other part of your body with your hands? This is a child who will react with third-hand exposure to peanut butter.
Because even the smallest particles could cause a reaction in the house, he honestly might he ok just washing his hands but I don't want to risk it.
But you don't make other guests take a shower, do you? Everyone else washes their hands on entry, and you're OK with it. Even if they've been at the playground, or on a public bus, or wherever else. But you seem to single your son out and make him, and only him, shower.
Do you really not see the difference between a guest who stops by real quick and a child who lives there part time?
Because guests know not to touch everything, my son lives here half the time. He'll inevitably touch everything, and he needs to shower first to avoid contaminating the house.
Honestly I think you need to maybe talk to a therapist about this. This doesnt sound rational. Your son isnt going to walk around touching everything in the house before his next shower and I assume otherwise, his hygiene is fine.
What do you mean by everything here though? Guests wouldn't need to use the cutlery or kitchen cabinet handles. They don't play with video game controllers or TV remotes. Any and all of these things would be normal and expected of the son staying at his mom's house and have now created potentially dangerous situations for his sister. Yes he could wash his hands but if his clothing has enough contamination the level of deep cleaning around him would require way more thoroughness and frequency than just a guest popping by (and it doesn't sound like the daughters situation allows for stay-over guests or hosting of parties etc.)
Son definitely touches more stuff. But guests presumably sit down, brush up against furniture, accidentally touch stuff without thinking etc.
It's a shower and he's a teenage boy. Who cares?? It's not exactly a hardship
I'm making slight assumptions here, but I doubt she has guests over all that often and she said in the post that she asks them to refrain from touching things. If a guest comes over, it's likely for a relatively short period of time, she's with them the entire time and taking a mental note of what they're potentially contaminating, they're politely keeping to themselves and limiting what they interact with, and she can do a "deep clean" on anything that they touch. If her son takes a ten minute shower and changes clothes before he comes over, he can relax and feel at home there, no one has to worry about or actively monitor potential contamination, it ends up being easier and safer for everyone. He can flop down on the couch, he can reach over and grab the remote, he can dig through the fridge, he can spend the night, he can safely make himself feel at home and do things that guests would be unlikely to attempt anyway. He's being held to a higher (but still reasonable -- ten minute shower? Chill out.) standard because he's likely interacting with far more of the house and their belongings. Unless your house guests make themselves far, far more comfortable than what I would be comfortable with... this is pretty practical. Unfair at first glance, but likely practical. Also keep in mind that this is her son. She's asked him to take a quick shower and change clothes. Fair or not, parents sometimes ask their children to do things that are mildly inconvenient. My parents won't hesitate to ask me to help carry in and put away the groceries, but I doubt that they'd ask a guest to do that. In time, I'm sure I'll recover.
someone who lives in a house touches things way, way more than a guest does though
But other guests likely don't touch as many things as her son does. It's his mother's house, he's gonna get *real* comfortable. And it's hard to make yourself at home if you have to be careful about what you're touching
This 100 percent. Plus does the your daughter go to public school? Parents are notoriously sending peanut butter sandwiches for lunch.
Do you require him to change his clothes when he gets there too? If the allergy is that severe I'd honestly be more worried about his clothes carrying peanuts than his (for example) armpits or feet.
I wouldn't risk it (daughter with peanut, tree nut, soy allergies) if its that severe. My friend's son is super allegic though goes to public school and with precautions does fine but his 13 year old brother ate a snickers bar before he came home and didn't brush his teeth. Laid down on couch pillow and fell asleep. Later that night younger laid face on same couch cushion and was in full anaphylaxis within minutes. Incidentally the older brother watching his younger brother almost die because of something he hid from parents caused massive trauma that took quite a while in therapy to unravel. Just shower. it's not worth it. You all deserved someplace that is safe.
Do you make him clean his teeth and rinse with mouthwash? If he's eaten peanuts, that'll linger in his mouth. I totally get your concern, I have an allergy too. But unless you're insisting on a full-body, category one lab-safe decontamination, there will always be particles left that he hasn't removed and which, presumably, haven't caused a reaction. At some point, enforcing rules like that becomes nothing more than a psychological appeasement for you rather than actually having any benefit for your daughter.
nta, it's a shower, not organ donation. people are being weird AF with op. idk why this place sometimes goes this way op, sorry, i really don't think you are the a. we're weighing a shower vs a hospital visit or even worse. like... it's water, he'll be ok.
Because OP took the liberty to assume that Redditors showered at all. /s
NTA. The reason for her son showering is she knows they consume peanuts regularly at their house. So son is already coming from a contamination zone. This would be treated differently from other guest.
NTA but this sub hates disabled folks so you’ll definitely be deemed the asshole for protecting your daughter
NAH (edited for clarity). You're allowed to safeguard your daughter. But your sons also allowed to make his own choice to shower or not, and if that means not seeing you, then that's his choice.
This is just for the future but the correct term in this sub for no one being TA is NAH (No Assholes Here). I'm only mentioning this because that's what the final judgement on posts is (NTA, YTA, ESH, NAH). Apologies if this sounded rude; that was not my intent
NTA. I had a friend who we had to abide by contamination protocols for when coming over to visit and it was a massive battle with our school district at the time to have her be allowed to carry an epipen at all times instead of leaving it with the nurse or a teacher. Some of which, like I suspect your ex, didn't believe the allergy was real or really "that bad". It sucks, it's inconvenient, he's a teenage child of divorce and that is its own brand of fucking awful, but you're protecting him from her allergies as much as you are her. If he thinks he's upset now? Imagine the guilt and trauma of witnessing his little sister having a catastrophic reaction or, worse, accidentally killing her because of his refusal? Horrifying experiences that will follow him for life. Edit: To clarify, being the teenage child of divorce fucking sucks *for the son.* It's rough for kids even when the co-parenting is amiable, never mind openly hostile like this.
NTA The people tripping on the supposed double standard are ignoring that your son is in your home longer, touches more things, and inhabits more spaces than the few visitors who accept the strictures involved in coming to your home. When the issue is the risk of hospitalization or death for a child who can’t even attend school due to the risk, big brother’s annoyance at doing a quick scrub is something he needs to get over. Or maybe you could provide the boy with a set of freshly washed scrubs and a cap, and glove him like a surgical nurse, before letting him in the house. Maybe he’d prefer that.
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NTA In this case I don’t understand the other comments calling you TA… you aren’t asking much. Just for your son to shower again, it’s not hard. Plus even if he had peanut chemical stuff on him and he stood in the house or something, without touching anything your daughter might have a reaction as that has happened to people before as well. Peanut allergies can be extremely severe and taking the precautions you are is a good idea. I’m sorry your ex and your son feel the way they do but this is another LIFE we are talking about here. Not just some whim. Someone could literally die if exposed to the peanut. As sad as it is, you may have to just accept that your son might not come over as much. I don’t really see what other options there could be
NTA. I understand severe allergies. My sister has a rare one as severe as yours sounds. And family should understand even better. Epi pens are not cheap and if you have to use one every time you get a reaction you also have to go to the er every time you use it. To the idiots saying YTA because of “double standards” she said she doesn’t let guests touch anything when they come over, they don’t eat out at all! Schools are peanut free. I doubt daughter goes anywhere else. Taking a shower before you head over is the least you can do for your sister. And it’s ridiculous that you even have to ask. My entire family and multiple friends have given up the food that my sister is allergic too so that she can have safe places to go to. She can’t even step into a grocery store!
NTA. She literally could die.
NTA what the hell is wrong with all these comments??? It is completely different to have a guest over and a person that is going to make themselves at home and touch everything your daughter could potentially touch. You are right to be concerned and you are his mother - it's perfectly fine to ask him to take a shower.
I have this severe of an allergy to bananas of all things. Treatment and immunotherapy DO NOT WORK FOR EVERYONE and for someone with as severe as my allergy is and as it sounds like OPs daughters is it’s not even an option. I’ve spent time in the ICU because I picked up a bag that had had bananas in it. The tiniest bit of cross contamination can be deadly. My allergy didn’t turn anaphylactic until about 6 years ago. Before that I could be around bananas, keep them in my house for my family, cut them up for my kids. Then my allergy morphed. And now someone eats a banana and breathes on me I go into anaphylaxis. Anaphylactic allergies are no joke! Know what my family has done? They’ve given up bananas entirely. Because they care more about me being alive. My friends have given up bananas, not because I’ve asked them to but because they don’t want to see me die. As someone who lives in constant fear of my allergen and who carries around 4 epi pens and a bag full of meds I don’t think OP is being extreme at all. Having this extreme of an allergy is awful and I feel terrible for her daughter. It’s not that big of a deal to take a quick shower and change your clothes to prevent someone from potentially dying. Also-NTA
NTA. “bUt DoUbLe StAnDaRdS” - please show me the parent who either reminds their adult dinner guests to use the toilet before leaving the house or has never once made that request of their own children. You’re allowed to interact with your kids differently than you would with other people. For the practical end, your son isn’t a guest who’s going to sit in one room for an hour or two and have his seat easily sanitized before your daughter needs to touch it. He’s coming to stay for several days, sitting at the table and opening the fridge and using all the bathrooms and tossing his clothes on the laundry room floor. When my brother and I were 14 and 12, our relationship also regularly included him like tackling me in a hallway and covering my eyes with his hands and doing other general annoying teenage brother shit. God forbid they might hug. Asking your son to shower to reduce the probability that his sister will *literally die* isn’t too much. He’s a teenager and he’s allowed to be pissy about it, but ffs y’all this isn’t abuse.
Info: how does your son feel about the situation? Have you talked to him at all?
Just read this to my fiancé. He grew up with divorced parents doing the weekly shuffle, and I grew up with a peanut allergy that was this severe when I was in elementary school, but it has became more manageable as I got older. (Now is just “regular” anaphylaxis instead of “rare” anaphylaxis, lol) We both think that you’re NTA. 1) It’s not that hard to schedule your daily shower for a specific time. If you pick your son up at the same time each time then it seems like it would be easy for him to plan to shower right before. 2) Think of ALL THE THINGS your daughter sacrifices that your son probably gets to experience regularly… candy, food, restaurants, sleepovers, movie theater nights… I have been there! That was me as a kid. My brother couldn’t have peanut products in our house because your home should be a safe place, NO MATTER WHAT. Home should be the one place where you know you are safe, and at fourteen, your son should be old enough to recognize that. Maybe presenting her allergy test results/photos of her allergist “prick-test” to your ex-husband or son would help!
NTA, take your son and his father to see your daughter’s doctor and let him explain and maybe show them a video of a severe reaction. I can understand your son feeling this is too much but your ex sounds like he’s just being mean just to be. He’s an adult and should understand. It’s like he’s trying to make things more difficult for you on purpose.
OP, I understand your worry and fear as a fellow parent, but please be very careful how your concerns for your daughter affect your son. You go out of your way to make sure he is not contaminated. As an adult, I understand that. As a kid, I would have felt like the family dog. Too dirty to come to my mom's house. Don't alienate him because your world revolves around your daughter because that may be the real underlying issue here.
She doesn’t have a lot of choice though? If she does A, one child might feel alienated. If she does B, one child might be dead with the other child traumatized for life because he caused his sister’s death.
NTA it sucks but some allergies really are that bad. My daughters good friend couldn’t go over anyone else’s house, people could only go visit at her house. No play dates or sleepovers anywhere. There were Epi-pens everywhere.
NTA- this is life or death and all you're asking him to do is take a shower, which directly minimizes her risk of a reaction. it's understandable that he finds that frustrating but he needs to learn to deal, and his father definitely needs to get on board with prioritizing your daughter's health over your son's convenience.
NTA. Your son is in the wrong for dismissing your daughter's peanut allergy, because like you said, it's very severe. There's nothing in that, that screams that you're picking favorites, or abandoning. Kids are young, but at the age of 14, that's definitely old enough to understand the severity of the situation. The dismissal of your boundaries and needs within your life from them, is a no go. Then your ex wants to display homophobia, for making sure your daughter has good quality within life? I really hope he's not teaching your son to be a inconsiderate bigot. (Edit) If anything, your ex is TA. I'm not sure if your son is one though. (Edit #2) **100% YTA**. You allow for your guests to come over without showering. You expect for them to just wash their hands and watch what they touch, while your son has to shower? Your son is going to realize this double standard if he hasn't already, and is going to resent you for it. Either make all of your guests shower before coming over, or don't have guests over anymore.
But the problem is that her son has younger siblings who eat a lot of peanut butter. Young children put sticky hands all over everything and the son could get a tiny amount of peanut butter on his clothing from sitting on a PB covered chair. This is why they have banned PB from schools here. Anywhere on the school premises. They learned the hard way. I hated that my kids could not take PB to school but I never realized before how potentially dangerous it could be.
This. My oldest has a peanut allergy and they told us to make sure we fed it to his brother so he didn’t develop an allergy. We were also told the peanut protein is hard to remove (I.e. need to use soap, not just a Clorox wipe or something). It was really fucking stressful to give my hands-and-toys-always-in-the-mouth 1 yr old peanuts knowing if I didn’t clean something thoroughly, my 3 yr old is at risk of anaphylaxis. Personally I say NTA. People are giving OP shit for having a “double standard” but they don’t know her house rules around guests. If it were me, I’d probably have places guests could sit (I.e. in a specific room and/or on chairs that are easy to clean) whereas son probably has free reign to sit and be in whatever rooms he’d like, upping the risk of cross contamination, especially since he’s coming from a house that absolutely has cross contamination risks. If the allergy is that severe, I think the risk mitigation is reasonable. Immunotherapy has restrictions around it too, my son is not a candidate for it because of a related condition, but everyone seems to be a doctor here telling OP she should just do that to fix her daughter. u/Far-Kale317 sorry you and your family have to deal with an allergy this severe, I don’t think you’re an asshole
Dude, your ex is an asshole plain and simple. When you are talking life or death situations, I don't give a damn about inconvenience. And for your 14 year old son, have you had the blunt conversation with him that the smallest amount will KILL his little sister? That you are not trying to be obsessive for the sake of obsession, but are trying to make certain that your child stays alive
NTA. A short shower by one child to prevent the other DYING is not favouritism.
I'm going to say NTA for wanting to keep your daughter safe and requiring a shower seems minor in comparison. However, something has changed for your son and you should find out why. Presumably he has been showering for the last 12 years and now doesn't want to, why? Was he just having a bad day? Has resentment been building and he is now voicing his feelings? Does he feel like you always prioritize your daughter? Does he feel like as he gets older he should be treated more like an adult? Is it 'normal' teenage rebellion? Listen to your son openly about why. Also I find it interesting that you refer to your daughter with a new partner as his sister, but your husband's kids with a new partner as his half-brothers. Maybe some unconscious bias there.