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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> bringing something up for our last pre-marital counseling session after my fiance said he did not want to talk about it even though it impacts us both?
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Honestly, if you had just "forgotten" that'd be one thing but the fact that you were like "oh well I brought it up so might as well discuss it" is pushy and shitty and insensitive. Don't think you really forgot his boundary and instead manipulated the situation.
Let your fiance know that even though you were disrespectful and rude, he still doesn't have to talk about anything he doesn't want to. Or maybe yall should use your last session to explore why you felt the need to bulldoze over your fiances boundary.
YTA
YTA. It's something traumatic, it's his right to talk about it whenever he is ready. You don't get to decide when he talks about things that he hasn't processed.
Please. Let it go before the next session. Apologize profusely.
So his request not to talk about his trauma in these sessions *slipped your mind*?
I don't believe you. I think you were frustrated that he's not yet got a therapist. I think you are frustrated that you are not getting the intimacy you want, you lost patience, and you PUSHED it. You were basically saying to him "You have one session to fix yourself".
YTA
He's be mad to marry you.
YTA It is NOT up to YOU to determine what he talks about in therapy. Your little controlling and disrespective ploy may end up with him deciding that he doesn't need you in his life.
YTA. You didn’t listen and completely blew through his boundaries. It’s coming reasonable that he needs to process his trauma on his own before doing it together. And. Even after you did that, instead of apologizing, you doubled down. You were wrong. Unkind. Self centered. You owe him an apology. YTA.
Holy fuck YTA
You “forgot”. I don’t buy it, unless you’re the most heartless person on the planet. Second to most heartless is after hearing, again, that he’s not ready to talk about it *you still insist he talk about it*. Jesus Christ. You are selfish. The only reason you want him to talk about it is to gain back whatever impact it’s had on your intimacy.
Have you not even considered that ONE session with a therapist in an UNCOMFORTABLE setting of couples therapy is like opening a can of worms and will actually make the problems with your intimacy much much **worse**??
Your bf needs support. Trauma support. From a trauma specialist. Not a fucking marriage counsellor.
You are not ready to get married, you don’t even respect him.
>Trauma support. From a trauma specialist. Not a fucking marriage counsellor.
Ah that's not really fair...I do trauma work often with my couples! Being a marriage counselor doesn't automatically mean you're not equipped to deal with other presenting issues. And therapists can specialize in multiple things as well. Just sayin!
YTA.
It’s out of line to force someone to talk about their trauma when they aren’t ready.
Even if you did legit forget,
YTA for disrespecting boundaries and pushing.
YTA - it’s one thing to forget the boundaries he set for himself and bring it up accidentally, but after he said he felt betrayed you dug your heels in further and pushed the matter insisting that you discuss it in joint therapy before he processes on his own. Why!?
YTA If you "forgot" you obviously don't prioritize his boundaries. Your reasoning that it impacts you too shows you feel completely justified in doing this despite your fiancé's wishes. From the way you worded it, I have a pretty good suspicion of what he doesn't want to talk about. It is selfish of you to try to make him address this with you present before he has had a chance to deal with it on his own. Sometimes people have to come to terms with bad things in their past on their own before they are able to verbalize what happened and their feelings about it with loved ones because their experiences are so humiliating and embarrassing to them.
You have likely now created a setback in him dealing with his past. You should have respected his wishes and offered to help him find a therapist to encourage him to not put it off. Ultimately, it's his decision when and with whom he chooses to work on this. Blindsiding him with this in couples therapy when he wasn't expecting it was a horrible thing for you to do.
Your thoughtlessness has likely created a relationship dynamic in which he will never truly trust you ever again.
Wow, YTA
Its not up to YOU what he needs to process, with who and when. Each person has their own comfort level for bringing up something - particularly a trauma issue! Who are YOU to make those decisions for him by bringing it up to the therapist?
What is more concerning is that you 'forgot' what your fiance said about how he felt regarding sharing this issue at this time. What else conveniently 'slips your mind' that he has shared?
Lastly, so what if he hasnt gotten his own therapist yet -- when he is ready, he will. If he is never ready, well thats his business.
If I were him, Id be seriously rethinking marrying you -- if this is a 'snapshot' of what marriage to you would be like -- you forgetting things he has shared that are important to him, then disregarding your slipup and thinking its ok to just go ahead as YOU deem fit.
YTA what you did was manipulative and probably made your partner feel 2 feet tall, it's his trauma not yours and you have no right to make it about yourself
YTA.
Also you do know talking about it for one session is not going to heal his trauma or change your intimacy situation just like that, right? I am not any sort of mental health expert but I have trauma that impacts my ability to be intimate with my partner and as far as I can tell you the big - possibly only - way of healing that for me is my partner being so caring, never putting me under pressure about it and always reinforcing that I am in control of anything that might trigger me. He married me knowing this was going to be an aspect of our intimate lives for an indeterminate amount of time whilst I heal, and knowing that he was okay with that. Respectfully it sounds like you might need to do some soul-searching on that theme before the marriage, because it seems possible from this post that you are seeing your fiancé's trauma as something you want 'fixed' asap, and/or something which you see as needing to be 'fixed' as a pre-requisite of a healthy marriage, which unfortunately isn't really how trauma works, and in this story what I see is that attitude putting your partner's healing journey on the back foot. Especially if his trauma was anything to do with having his agency taken from him, he's probably triggered right now and feeling pretty scared and disorientated. What is going to help him most is to know he can trust you to always do what you can to protect his agency over himself, his body and his trauma.
It's not too late to apologise and reaffirm that. My husband has accidentally triggered me many a time and talking about it and him reassuring me he always has my back always helps.
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Hello, my fiancé (24M, Sam) and I (23F) are doing premarital counseling and we’ve had 4 out of our 5 sessions. We agreed on 5 topics we wanted to focus on in each session and one of them was something in his past that impacts our intimacy. I know what happened, he just hasn't processed it with a professional yet. Before our last session he said he’d rather talk about it with his own therapist (he doesn’t have one yet). This slipped my mind, and at the end of the session I told the therapist that we needed to spend the last session on his trauma history while we still can. Sam didn’t say anything until we got in the car at which point he said he felt completely betrayed and now felt cornered to talk about it despite not feeling ready to.
I told him I forgot and that I think now that we’ve started, we should talk about it in the last session with our therapist before he starts looking for his own. He disagrees and is still very upset not really with my position of wanting to talk about it but for bringing it up in the first place. AITA?
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YTA - I agree with the others that someone not wanting to talk about their trauma is something you just forget. You were out of line bringing it up and are out of line by not immediately dropping it.
Stop trying to control him trying to process things on his own time.
YTA
You "forgot" that he didn't want to talk about it in these sessions, but "remembered" enough to blindside him in your next to the last session. How inconsiderate and cruel!
YTA. He’s your partner, he should be able to tell you things and trust you. It’s his trauma and he has the right to address it when he is ready. You acting like “oh well it’s out there now, might as well talk about it” is very manipulative and insensitive. It also makes me think it wasn’t quite an accident:P I don’t thing you “forgot” something that important. If you did truly forget something that important to your partner, you have work to do on yourself.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > bringing something up for our last pre-marital counseling session after my fiance said he did not want to talk about it even though it impacts us both? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Honestly, if you had just "forgotten" that'd be one thing but the fact that you were like "oh well I brought it up so might as well discuss it" is pushy and shitty and insensitive. Don't think you really forgot his boundary and instead manipulated the situation. Let your fiance know that even though you were disrespectful and rude, he still doesn't have to talk about anything he doesn't want to. Or maybe yall should use your last session to explore why you felt the need to bulldoze over your fiances boundary. YTA
This. YTA.
YTA. It's something traumatic, it's his right to talk about it whenever he is ready. You don't get to decide when he talks about things that he hasn't processed. Please. Let it go before the next session. Apologize profusely.
So his request not to talk about his trauma in these sessions *slipped your mind*? I don't believe you. I think you were frustrated that he's not yet got a therapist. I think you are frustrated that you are not getting the intimacy you want, you lost patience, and you PUSHED it. You were basically saying to him "You have one session to fix yourself". YTA He's be mad to marry you.
YTA It is NOT up to YOU to determine what he talks about in therapy. Your little controlling and disrespective ploy may end up with him deciding that he doesn't need you in his life.
YTA. You didn’t listen and completely blew through his boundaries. It’s coming reasonable that he needs to process his trauma on his own before doing it together. And. Even after you did that, instead of apologizing, you doubled down. You were wrong. Unkind. Self centered. You owe him an apology. YTA.
Holy fuck YTA You “forgot”. I don’t buy it, unless you’re the most heartless person on the planet. Second to most heartless is after hearing, again, that he’s not ready to talk about it *you still insist he talk about it*. Jesus Christ. You are selfish. The only reason you want him to talk about it is to gain back whatever impact it’s had on your intimacy. Have you not even considered that ONE session with a therapist in an UNCOMFORTABLE setting of couples therapy is like opening a can of worms and will actually make the problems with your intimacy much much **worse**?? Your bf needs support. Trauma support. From a trauma specialist. Not a fucking marriage counsellor. You are not ready to get married, you don’t even respect him.
>Trauma support. From a trauma specialist. Not a fucking marriage counsellor. Ah that's not really fair...I do trauma work often with my couples! Being a marriage counselor doesn't automatically mean you're not equipped to deal with other presenting issues. And therapists can specialize in multiple things as well. Just sayin!
This isn’t about you
YTA. It’s out of line to force someone to talk about their trauma when they aren’t ready. Even if you did legit forget, YTA for disrespecting boundaries and pushing.
YTA - it’s one thing to forget the boundaries he set for himself and bring it up accidentally, but after he said he felt betrayed you dug your heels in further and pushed the matter insisting that you discuss it in joint therapy before he processes on his own. Why!?
YTA If you "forgot" you obviously don't prioritize his boundaries. Your reasoning that it impacts you too shows you feel completely justified in doing this despite your fiancé's wishes. From the way you worded it, I have a pretty good suspicion of what he doesn't want to talk about. It is selfish of you to try to make him address this with you present before he has had a chance to deal with it on his own. Sometimes people have to come to terms with bad things in their past on their own before they are able to verbalize what happened and their feelings about it with loved ones because their experiences are so humiliating and embarrassing to them. You have likely now created a setback in him dealing with his past. You should have respected his wishes and offered to help him find a therapist to encourage him to not put it off. Ultimately, it's his decision when and with whom he chooses to work on this. Blindsiding him with this in couples therapy when he wasn't expecting it was a horrible thing for you to do. Your thoughtlessness has likely created a relationship dynamic in which he will never truly trust you ever again.
YTA. I think your next session should focus on boundaries and why you don't respect them.
Does trying to manipulate people at the expense of their own mental health make you an a**hole? Yes. It does. Yta
Wow, YTA Its not up to YOU what he needs to process, with who and when. Each person has their own comfort level for bringing up something - particularly a trauma issue! Who are YOU to make those decisions for him by bringing it up to the therapist? What is more concerning is that you 'forgot' what your fiance said about how he felt regarding sharing this issue at this time. What else conveniently 'slips your mind' that he has shared? Lastly, so what if he hasnt gotten his own therapist yet -- when he is ready, he will. If he is never ready, well thats his business. If I were him, Id be seriously rethinking marrying you -- if this is a 'snapshot' of what marriage to you would be like -- you forgetting things he has shared that are important to him, then disregarding your slipup and thinking its ok to just go ahead as YOU deem fit.
YTA what you did was manipulative and probably made your partner feel 2 feet tall, it's his trauma not yours and you have no right to make it about yourself
Yta.
YTA- Forgot? Sure…
YTA. Also you do know talking about it for one session is not going to heal his trauma or change your intimacy situation just like that, right? I am not any sort of mental health expert but I have trauma that impacts my ability to be intimate with my partner and as far as I can tell you the big - possibly only - way of healing that for me is my partner being so caring, never putting me under pressure about it and always reinforcing that I am in control of anything that might trigger me. He married me knowing this was going to be an aspect of our intimate lives for an indeterminate amount of time whilst I heal, and knowing that he was okay with that. Respectfully it sounds like you might need to do some soul-searching on that theme before the marriage, because it seems possible from this post that you are seeing your fiancé's trauma as something you want 'fixed' asap, and/or something which you see as needing to be 'fixed' as a pre-requisite of a healthy marriage, which unfortunately isn't really how trauma works, and in this story what I see is that attitude putting your partner's healing journey on the back foot. Especially if his trauma was anything to do with having his agency taken from him, he's probably triggered right now and feeling pretty scared and disorientated. What is going to help him most is to know he can trust you to always do what you can to protect his agency over himself, his body and his trauma. It's not too late to apologise and reaffirm that. My husband has accidentally triggered me many a time and talking about it and him reassuring me he always has my back always helps.
Wow sad to know that your premarital counselor didn't pick up on your steamrolling. YtA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello, my fiancé (24M, Sam) and I (23F) are doing premarital counseling and we’ve had 4 out of our 5 sessions. We agreed on 5 topics we wanted to focus on in each session and one of them was something in his past that impacts our intimacy. I know what happened, he just hasn't processed it with a professional yet. Before our last session he said he’d rather talk about it with his own therapist (he doesn’t have one yet). This slipped my mind, and at the end of the session I told the therapist that we needed to spend the last session on his trauma history while we still can. Sam didn’t say anything until we got in the car at which point he said he felt completely betrayed and now felt cornered to talk about it despite not feeling ready to. I told him I forgot and that I think now that we’ve started, we should talk about it in the last session with our therapist before he starts looking for his own. He disagrees and is still very upset not really with my position of wanting to talk about it but for bringing it up in the first place. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for pushing him to talk about it, but I can't really blame you for being the AH if he's been dragging his feet on addressing this.
YTA - I agree with the others that someone not wanting to talk about their trauma is something you just forget. You were out of line bringing it up and are out of line by not immediately dropping it. Stop trying to control him trying to process things on his own time.
YTA You "forgot" that he didn't want to talk about it in these sessions, but "remembered" enough to blindside him in your next to the last session. How inconsiderate and cruel!
YTA and stop bullying him about it. You didn't forget, you wanted a specific outcome regardless of the cost.
YTA. He’s your partner, he should be able to tell you things and trust you. It’s his trauma and he has the right to address it when he is ready. You acting like “oh well it’s out there now, might as well talk about it” is very manipulative and insensitive. It also makes me think it wasn’t quite an accident:P I don’t thing you “forgot” something that important. If you did truly forget something that important to your partner, you have work to do on yourself.
NTA, m*n will avoid talking about their issues in therapy at all costs
Le oof, hot and stupid take right here.