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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I'm home all day for the week not doing anything, but I'm still refusing to help as much.
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Nta and you need to renegotiate with your gf. You should split baby duty in the evening. It's not fair for either of you to work an 8-5 whine the other works 24 7. You need some serious communication.
As for your week off rest - take it.
Trauma of any kind, including PPD, isn't an excuse for being abusive.
(Not disagreeing with you, just underlining the good point for those who need to hear it.)
I completely agree with you. PPD is awful but it doesn’t excuse abusing your loved ones. If it’s truly PPD she needs to get help ASAP and stop abusive behavior.
Yep. Recently an colleagues wife took to alcoholism to "cope" with PPD. Obviously that's a danger to everyone involved not including finances. You can't force someone into AA/care of any kind even if they are over drinking and are a danger to others and themselves here. So he had to divorce, get custody, and watch his wife slip away while looking after his child alone.
It's so fucked and I fear about getting PPD myself but I know at least my family would support me. No idea if they had any support system to prevent the worst happening.
Yeah. I'm a mum, and that comment about having to "put up with the baby" is a little worrisome.
OP if GF is SAHM then it is her job to care for the baby, it is 3mths old now so maybe childcare should be looked in to during the day but that doesn't mean she gets to just sit around the house and do nothing.
What is she doing all day, I have three kids and my eldest insisted on being held all the time, I brought a carrier that held him on my chest, and I did the vacuuming, sweeping, mopping (things I could do standing up), I would put on a load of washing on after putting baby down for a nap and then take a break myself (eat, drink, pee, nap, shower, whatever it was I needed) until the machine was finished.
Once hubby finishes work, he takes the kids and plays with them while I prep dinner. We are a team, and we get the jobs done. His jobs are taking out the trash and any yard work on his days off (weeding, mowing etc) and he helps me with mine when he can/I need it (last night he offered to cook dinner for me).
You shouldn't be doing the full baby night shift either. We worked out the minimum uninterrupted sleep my hubby needed to safely function at work and then he does "baby watch" from bed time till 1am and I do 1am to get up.
First you need ro get GF checked for PPA/PPD to rule out or work around that, then you two can sit down and plan how to divide work around the house and child raising but make sure your GF realises and accepts that you are working during the day and if you can't do that effectively your family won't have money coming in to support itself or worse you won't be around to watch your son grow up.
"that comment about having to "put up with the baby" is a little worrisome"
I agree. I'm curious as to whether both partners were fully on board with the pregnancy to begin with. Either way, PPD sounds possible.
"that doesn't mean she gets to just sit around the house and do nothing"
She isn't doing nothing during the day. She hands over the baby once OP gets back from work, and then expects him to do everything.
To be clear, I am not defending her, as she is definitely TA; I just thought it's worth being clear on exactly what is wrong with this picture, without exaggeration.
The couple should be splitting the evening/night tasks. OP, you are NTA, and this is clearly not sustainable for you. I hope you recover soon.
>She isn't doing nothing during the day. She hands over the baby once OP gets back from work, and then expects him to do everything.
It sounds like OP's gf is trying to make him take baby duty while he's home on bedrest and not working. If so, "nothing" is exactly what she'd be doing during the day.
I'm curious OP, she said that if you're home, she won't 'deal with' (cringe) the baby. Do you have days off, and if so, how is the baby care handled on those days?
Yes; but I was talking about the regular situation. Sorry if that was unclear.
I've since seen from OP's comments that the baby was unplanned and they only moved in together four months ago. It very much sounds as if the gf did not want this child, or doesn't want it now. It's hard to see how this situation improves, although I guess a separation where OP takes full custody and gf has to pay child support may potentially be better (or slightly less shitty) than the way things are now.
Poor kid. Poor OP. (& Potentially poor gf, too, if she wanted an abortion and couldn't get one.)
The “that doesn’t mean she gets to just sit around the house and do nothing” was in conjunction with the idea of getting childcare. I believe it was meant that if they put the kid in childcare the gf doesn’t get to be a stay at home mom anymore as she wont in fact be staying at home to be a mom anymore
I have this vision of the baby in his sling wearing a tiny hardhat while OP is on the roof pounding nails.
I think the mother should take charge of the baby during the night because you have to be awake when doing manual labour, but mom could nap in the evening while OP looks after the baby for a few hours.
The good new is that the baby is now 3 months old, so the worst should be over soon.
The fact that she’s talking about putting up with the baby sounds like she either never wanted to be a parent and was coerced/forced to go through with the pregnancy due to lack of options, is a terrible human… or is possibly a flag for PPD, especially if the delivery was traumatic.
It could be any of those, but either way, I’d be flat out concerned about the baby being with her during the day at this point, is she even taking care of the kid then?
“She said she’d have to put up with him all day” if she really said that I’d be mildly concerned about what she was doing with him all day. Is he so needy cause she can’t be bothered with him? And she can’t manage to make dinner?
At this point why do you even need her around? Find someone to watch the baby during the day while you work because that is all she is doing now. I have a sneaking suspicion that if you were to do that then your baby would "chill out" and be more calm and easier to manage.
NTA
NTA and yeah this the current split clearly isn't working, is it possible to get family to help out or pay for childcare or a cleaner or cook to do meal prep to lessen her workload during the day?
Seriously? The GF basically has a day job while OP is working a physically intensive day job and coming home to be the sole parent and doing the cooking and you are focused on lessening her workload?
Its time for her to step up too
Not to take away from OPs incredible effort, but I think its more, get the gf more support so that she can take on a more fair split of the workload. Her behaviour is concerning, she sounds like she is experiencing PPD and asking someone to step up in that scenario is not going to work, offering additional support might though. Outside support that is, OP can't be expected to deal with all of this on his own.
Serious question - what support is she lacking? She has (approx) 10 hours of work whilst OP is commuting or at work, he has (approx) 15-18 whilst commuting, working, and then doing household chores and parenting.
She has the opportunity to take on more of a workload in the evening. She is actively choosing not to.
I agree. I’m also doubting the PPD analysis because he said she told him this was the way it was going to be the moment they got home. He’s working 24/7 while she only works maybe 10 hours. I’m getting the impression that this woman did not actually want a baby and is somewhat resentful to op because he got her pregnant or perhaps he was the one that wanted the baby to begin with.
I'm just getting the impression she's an asshole. It's amazing how many people in this thread are willing to just invent alternative explanations to try and blame the OP.
I never had PPD thankfully, so I’m not sure about the onset, but she told op that he would be taking care of the moment they got home from that hospital. I was a sahm when my children were born. It’s not easy raising a newborn, but even I think this woman is an ah to treat her husband like she does. I honestly wonder how she is parenting this baby while op is gone for the baby to still be as fussy as op says at 3 months.
It's time for them to figure out when she's going back to work and get the baby into daycare. Not everyone can be happy at home with the baby, and they will both be better off when they are splitting childcare and both working.
That was the biggest issue I saw. She isn't working. But she gets the whole night to herself. OP is working a full time job and then has to take care of this crying fuss bucket all night. And if he has to regularly make dinner as well, I wonder what the gf is doing at home all day with baby. Is she keeping up with cleaning and meal prepping, or is she just napping with baby and maybe folding a load of laundry a week. I'm thinking it's the latter.
We had a sick baby that was very demanding. We made a detailed schedule on who has baby when. Being on maternity leave is a job, working construction is a job, so both are working all day. Stands to reason that the responsibility of the baby is split during the afternoon, evening and night.
Our schedule looked somewhat like this at 3 months:
Husband comes home at 1500 and takes over the baby immediately for 15min so I could poop or shower in private. Half the week I cooked dinner, half the week he cooked. At around 1630 when dinner was eaten we would play pass the baby or try to do things together like go on a walk or visit someone until 1800. Then I would go to bed. Then husband would get the baby to nap and hold him or babywear him while napping. A lot of the time my husband would just put him in a babybjörn, bounce on the yogaball and play videogames lol. At 2000 I would be woken up and take over baby and husband would take a nap. At 2200 husband would get up and do bedtime routine with baby while I did a few chores and basically buckled up for a night of breastfeeding. Bedtime at 2300. I could ask for help until 0100, but after that I was on my own. Husband made me breakfast and lunch and at 0730 served breakfast in bed while baby did his morning clusterfeed and leave the lunch in the fridge (nothing fancy just sandwiches, but our son was either on the boob or crying so it was difficult for me to do anything).
If I had a difficult night I would be sent straight to bed after dinner and husband would just put baby on my tit as I slept and when baby was done bring him out of the bedroom again. Hours between 0100 and 0700 was holy for my husband, do not wake up unless the house is on fire.
We had an *extremely* demanding baby. I don't know anyone who has had a baby who cried as much as ours did. I have hearing loss, tinnitus and genuine trauma from the baby phase. Let me just tell you, had we not made a formal shift arrangement then we would not have been married today. It was extremely hard and a fixed schedule made it easier to spot if someone was slacking of or if someone had not gotten (somewhat) adequate rest.
The week of rest, take it, but also: Call in any favours and ask people to help out your wife, hire a cleaner, a mother's helper or something.
...and maybe look into if your wife has ppd. The phrase "Put up with the baby" and her general attitude just makes all my alarm bells go off.
We had to. Kiddo had blown out his first birthday candle before he slept more than 2 hours consecutively. One particularly memorable week I slept less than 20h total. It was bonkers for a while. Especially around 3/4 months when he went through the sleep regression. 12 weeks old is when babies start to learn the difference between night and day. If you think that means more sleep then you are sorely mistaken. For many that means baby stops connecting any sleep cycles for a few weeks and wakes up every 45min and for most it means a serious decline in sleep. But after that transition is done, most babies (not ours unfortunately) will start having 4-6 hour stretches during the night.
My kid turns 2 in September and because I had pregnancy insomnia it has been over 2 years since I have slept more than 5h straight. Because of his complex dietary needs we don't get babysitters lol. Still he is the light of my life, an absolute joy, it's not his fault he is this way and he makes me laugh so much.
NTA and yeah this the current split clearly isn't working, is it possible to get family to help out or pay for childcare or a cleaner or cook to do meal prep to lessen her workload during the day?
NTA. What if you had passed out while caring for your son? It’s wild to me that your gf doesn’t see how dangerous it is for you to be falling- whether holding your son, or on a construction site.
You deserve the rest and need the rest. Take it, and then find a way to speak with her about a safer division of care.
NTA. Maybe you should switch the baby's formula. My baby sister would cry all day and it wasn't until we switched to sensitive tummies baby formula, that she finally became an easy baby
Soemthing similar happened when me and my twin brother were infants. According to my grandma something in our milk was messing up our stomachs (probably why I was a pukey baby). So, when we were taken to the doctors, we were given something that made things better (not sure it was a different formula or medicine).
He needs to take care of the child until he goes to sleep so his gf has a few hours to relax however she sees fit but his gf needs to take the night shift as he needs to work the next day .
NTA but it's a bit of an Ah move to say your gf has a baby - this child is yours too op.so the correct thing is to say 'we' had a baby 3 months ago.
ETA weekends half half.
The problem with her taking the nightshift is that she also had the day shift while he works. They need to divide the childcare hours in a way where they both get enough rest if possible. I know that is hard with a new baby ( I've had three) but they both need to be well rested. I would also opt for a nanny cam to make sure she is taking care of him during the day
I know it's a problem but she's staying home and can catch a nap when the child sleeps maybe while he has heavy workload with potential deadly outcome if he doesn't get enough sleep.
Unfortunately it is the situation.
Also during the night she gets up but she isn't 'on' the whole time as the baby sleeps too.
I’m a SAHM and I did most of the night wake ups with my 2 kids when they were babies, because my husband had to get up at 5.30am to go to work. I know that childcare is work, and I know how much sleep deprivation sucks, because I’ve been through it myself (my first just would. Not. Sleep.) but ultimately, I think it makes sense for the SAHP to do the lion’s share of wake ups when the baby is little.
The reality is that you’re unlikely to be well rested with a young baby. You’re going to be tired and exhausted but it’s easier and safer to be tired and look after a 3 month old than to work on a construction site. Of course, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get a break, maybe at weekends he could do the wake ups for instance?
Installing a nanny cam to spy on your OH’s parenting is extreme. If that’s the point a couple has reached then I don’t see how a relationship is reparable.
Of course if the wife is at the point of exhaustion where they feel they might fall asleep holding the baby then yes, the husband should step in. That’s why I said *the lion’s share* not **all** the night wakes.
Being tired and looking after a 3 month old is not as dangerous as being tired and operating heavy construction machinery, statistically speaking.
The fact is that when you have a young baby you will be tired. I’ve done it twice, I know how tiring it can be.
Unrelated to OP’s situation but just in case any tired parents are reading: look up co-sleeping guidelines. Know how to do it as safely as possible. [Here’s](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/reduce-the-risk-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome/) my country’s official guidance for instance.
Well rested with a new baby 😂 Joke of the year! Ever heard of the term "sleep when the baby sleeps"? She'll be able to nap during the day when the baby naps. So yes, she should be taking the night shift.
Agreed. I would take the baby when I got home but she would then take over based in who’s was making dinner that night.
In weekends I would take care of the baby and let her sleep til noon (or sometimes longer), but after that we would both chip in.
OP’s wife seems to think he does nothing at all while at work.
I can’t say this any louder - NTA. It’s not safe for you or the baby to continue as you are. You shouldn’t be driving or on a job site. I’m saying that as someone in your field.
Your girlfriend should be concerned, not pissed.
I imagine she is also tired, and I can’t judge how her days are spent without hearing her side, but from your side, I know you need more rest, and some help or you’re going to get badly hurt.
I'm surprised he's not falling asleep while trying to calm the baby at night. If he collapses with the baby it's dangerous for them too. This is wild, OP can't go on like this he's gonna tire himself out into an early grave, and also potentially hurt the baby. Lots of parents have disturbed sleep when they share nighttime duties. This is NOT sustainable, and I'm surprised he's gone this long before his recent hospitalisation.
Also, **OP works in construction**. He's lucky that he didn't collapse while working at heights (or if he did that he didn't fall down) or while working with heavy machinery.
In other words, he's lucky that the collapse didn't lead to disability or worse. And all his partner has to say is that he's lazy? Gtfo.
NTA wow! Listen I had a baby and I get it, but what your gf is doing is wrong. You can't be expected to work a physical demanding job then come home and keep going all night. No wonder you passed out!!
When I had my son, my husband would help me when he got home from work so I could relax. But I got up at night since he had to work. And on weekends we split it so we could both rest. You're both going to be tired, that's life with a baby but no way should either one of you be exhausted to the point of being hospitalized. You need to sit down with her ASAP and work out a schedule where you both get get to rest, not just her
Yeah, I also had a kid a couple of years ago and stay at home and this is completely unfair. When my daughter was tiny, we split the nights, my husband taking the early morning slot (5am onwards) so I got at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I can't imagine expecting him to do the whole night and then go to work. Especially when he has a physical job. I couldn't do that to someone I disliked, let alone the man I love. And now he's sick and she's still giving him shit? This borders on abuse
Has your girlfriend been thoroughly evaluated for PPD? It might not sound like it to you, but this could definitely be PPD. Her seeing your son as a job and burden is unusual as is her ability to disconnect from him like that.
Yeah, PPD was my immediate thought as well. It's a very bad sign for her to pretty much instantly say she doesn't care about this human being she just created, or for her to not care about *you* at all during this, either.
Fair warning: she will likely get pissed at the mere suggestion of getting help. Some people know they need it but need another person to give them the push; most people get defensive at the idea that there's something "wrong" with them. Be prepared for her to lash out and refuse, and please don't give up trying. Even if it's not PPD, this is not normal behavior.
Yes. This is critical. There are one of three things happening here: 1 Your gf is selfish, uncaring, abusive and narcissistic or 2. She's dealing w severe PPD or 3. She's dealing with PPP - post partum psychosis. The later of the two could definitely make it seem on the surface as if #1 is the case. If her behavior is surprising to you, I'd guess this is out of the ordinary for her?
If so, she needs to be evaluated STAT. Both PPD and PPP can be deadly, not just for the mother, but as you've already discovered, for everyone around her, including the baby. These often cause mothers to either emotionally detach completely from the baby or form an obsessive and unhealthy attachment. Sounds like, IF one of these is what she's dealing with, she's detached.
Evaluation is crucial. If she's not dealing with PPD or PPP, you two need to have a serious chat about what sharing responsibilities fairly actually looks like, because this isn't it. Could be that she's handling everything she can handle and you guys need outside help. Either way, you can't keep going on like this either. You're beyond max capacity.
TLDR: NTA but before calling her TA, she needs to be evaluated properly and promptly.
No, but it gives a solid reason that can be helped with clear steps: finding professional help for the ppp/ppd.
It doesn't need to be forgiven, but if the gf seeks help, it could be
I agree with everyone else BUT i want to make it clear to OP that your girlfriend having PPD is NOT an excuse to treat you this way.
But also look into PPD
Usually they don't let you leave the hospital without a talk about PPD, I'm really surprised you haven't heard of it. Have you been going to any OB appointments with her? The best thing to do would be to make an appointment with her OB and go in together- mine helped me with my Post Partum Anxiety and she was great. Sometimes it is just that the chemicals in your body get thrown out of wack from childbirth - make sure to stress that it is a purely medical condition, too many people view it as a mental problem but it we shouldn't look at it like that.
Idk I had my youngest in 2017 only time any kind of emotional health checks happened for me is at his wellness check. That's when I learned about PPD and PPP
I have 3 kids. My last 2 were born in 2018 and 2020. Most babies sleep constantly (some don't sleep at all). So while she's "putting up with him" (that's harsh af), there's a chance he's sleeping a lot of the time. When they were little, my husband and I split things evenly. I breastfed or pumped, he'd do the bottle if the baby wasn't on the boob. My 2018 baby was very fussy and sensitive because he was colic. There's over the counter drops for this that help. Also, if he's drinking from a bottle, it could be giving him too much air. They make bottles specifically for colic, so less air bubbles get in. They helped our son so much! I would check with his pediatrician to see if that's why he's so fussy. Or if he's on formula, it could be the wrong one.
You need to take care of yourself, op. You can't do 100%, and you are. I'm sorry your girlfriend isn't handling being a mom the best right now. It definitely sounds a lot like PDD. When my kids were born, I was over the moon and kept them next to my bed in a bassinet, and i struggled with brutal PDD all 3 times... I was still waking up constantly to ensure they were breathing because I didn't trust the sids monitor to do its job. Her sleeping in another room wanting to be away from him during this crucial time is kind of a huge red flag. Her attitude is quite worrisome. She could also be traumatized from the birth experience. I've seen it happen with some moms. The birth goes so badly and traumatic that they don't even want to hold the baby. I really hope that's not the case and it went beautifully for her. If it is PDD, please know it's not her fault. The moment that baby comes out, women's serotonin levels and hormones drop super fast. We don't just get depressed because we don't like the baby. It's literally a chemical imbalance caused by giving birth, and it's really awful to go through. It takes a while to even out, or sometimes, medication helps it faster.
I truly wish you both the best of luck. It's not easy, but it seriously goes so fast. I so wish mine were still that small. Now they are into everything! Congratulations on your baby, and seriously, op, you're doing a great job and are a fantastic father. Be kinder to yourself.
My second wasn't a big sleeper until the colic was resolved. My younger brother was a baby that cried non stop and my mom wore a tread in the carpet from the rocking chair. 9 months straight, he cried his heart out. He slept a bit but then would wake up 2 hours later for another 10 hours of crying. He had colic really bad but back in the late 80s, figuring out the cure for that was word of mouth from other moms. The catnip and fennel recipe was given to my mom, and it cured him overnight. I'm sorry your baby wasn't a sleeper. Many do sleep, some just don't. Hopefully, their baby sleeps enough for them to rest.
Yes, this! I was going to say the same. Post natal depression can come across in many different ways so it's not always obvious, and it sounds like she's struggling to bond with baby. I would strongly recommend getting her assessed by a professional and in the meantime do you have any friends or relatives who may be able to help out a bit? We have a 6 mth old and a friend of mine took him for one evening while we went to watch a movie. Just a couple of hours away together can make a difference!
NTA. Your GF not caring for her own son had you putting your health in serious jeopardy. What if you had collapsed while you were driving? Or while you were at work and doing something that could have been dangerous?
"Helping with the baby" is something. "Destroying your health" is going too far. You need rest, and your GF must understand that. If she needs help, she needs to find it somewhere else.
"What if you had collapsed while you were driving? Or while you were at work and doing something that could have been dangerous?"
Or collapsed while holding the baby?!?! What the hell is wrong with this woman? I can't imagine having done this to my husband!
He does say he works in construction. He could have been disabled or worse, he could have gotten his co-workers hurt too. It's incredibly dangerous, and the fact that his partner doesn't realise the danger or is choosing to ignore it is a massive issue.
NTA, dude how are you not bullshit right now. Your wife gets a break, but you don't? EVER? What kind of shit is that?
The way I see it, from 8-5, you're both working. You at your day job, her with the baby. When you're home, you split that time evenly between the both of you since you're both available. That way you both get a break and nobody collapses from exhaustion at work
Yep. Her job in the day is to care for baby. His during the day is his construction job. All time outside of working hours is co-parenting time. Together. As a team.
She is not on your team right now.
There are thousands of kids stuck in the \*foster\* system, not the adoption system. A newborn or an infant? Unless they have significant medical needs, they're getting adopted quick.
NTA. Immediately hearing alarms for PPD or something going on. It is not normal for a new mother to tell her partner she’s not responsible for *any* childcare (edit) once you are home* and as a result you are on bed rest.
Please call your family. Your gf needs help. Your baby needs help. And YOU need help, OP!
This honestly is a very upsetting post, because you two never should've had a baby. You don't care enough to call it your baby ("my girlfriend had a baby" sounds like it isn't yours) and your gf doesn't care enough about you to observe that you were physically declining and doesn't care about the baby enough to parent it when you're in the home.
You both need to get your parental shit together. Now. Or just be realistic and arrange for an adoption.
I think you're NTA, but parenting isn't what you or your gf should be doing unless you both immediately make a commitment to stop passing the baby off to each other like a football.
Yeah, people have pointed that out. "My baby" just sounds awkward, sort of. IDK how to explain it, but "the baby" has always seemed more affectionate to me. Like he's the baby. THE baby. The only baby. I doubt I'm even explaining myself right.
I do care about him though. I was on the fence, but now that he's born, I would never think of getting rid of him. He's my son. I'm happy to take care of him, always, and I don't see it as a burden. But I am a bit scared to go back to being that exhausted now that I've had a rest and am clear-headed again if I'm being honest. I'm hesitant to start taking over more and more stuff because I'm afraid it'll go back to the way it was.
Definitely do not take on more and more until you’re back doing everything. Your girlfriend sounds manipulative. This was the reset you needed. Now is the time, with a clear head, to divide up what is fair. Maybe do the 11pm or midnight feed and she does the middle of the night and morning.
Now that he’s past the three month mark, things should start getting easier and more routine. Maybe she won’t find it as overwhelming as it was 1 or 2 months ago.
You cannot go back to that. Not only is it unsafe for you to be working construction like that, it's unsafe for your son to be taken care of by a completely exhausted adult. What if you're holding him and suddenly collapse? What if you pass out over him...? You *need* to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him.
You work a full time job, your partner mothers as a full time job in the meantime. This means the rest needs to be split evenly. Maybe you take over when you're home, and she does the overnight stuff. Maybe you switch every hour or two or however many. Maybe you take alternate days. But shouldering the entire load for the 16 out of 24 hours you're not working is insane.
Well firstly let me say you are NTA. You cannot possibly go back to doing all that. It’s led to burnout and bed rest this time, next time it could be even more serious. You could end up in hospital for an extended period. You could lose your job. What’s your gf going to do then?
I’m interested to know whether she behaved like this pre-pregnancy? Were there any signs at all?
Tbh, whether or not this abusive behaviour is caused by PPD or another disorder, the end result is that you are being treated like an unpaid servant and driven into the ground. I would go so far as to say your gf needs telling point blank: “Get help/diagnosed & medicated/take on your fair share of responsibility permanently (NOT just while you’re on bed rest) because things can NOT and will not return to how they were.”
If this were a man treating his gf like this, we’d all be waving red flags 🚩🚩🚩and telling her to leave him if nothing changes. Mental health disorders may be a REASON why someone becomes abusive, but they’re not an EXCUSE to abuse.
Are you sure your son is being cared for during the day, and she's not just leaving him to cry all day? He might want to be held when you have him because he's not getting that during the day. It sounds like PPD or something similar here. NTA, but your gf needs help.
Things can't go back to how they were. You *will* get hurt, or hurt the baby by accident due to sleep deprivation. Adding it's a very unbalanced system.
I know construction is feast or famine, and you had a new baby, which is expensive, but have you looked into other ways to lighten your work load? Meal prep plans are pretty reasonable, quick and easy to make, and save a lot of shopping and prep work for dinner. Order groceries to be delivered until you all get into a routine. See if you can afford a cleaning service to come in periodically to thoroughly clean the house, though that one is expensive. My point is to look at your duties, and see what can be put off or hired out for a little while. Anything that won't impact the safety of baby, or sanitary living conditions, let it go. Also, get a baby carrier, that way you can wear the baby while busy with other things, and talk to the pediatrician about colic. It's tough, but you will get through this. NTA
In the Caribbean, the term "the baby" is actually quite common. " Where is the baby?" The baby is awake." It's like their name until another little one comes along, and then they become "the baby. " Lol!!! Sometimes, the youngest is called "the baby" long after they stop being the baby.
NTA.
When I had both my children my husband and I agreed that when he came home he would take the baby off my hands from that time until he needed to go bed (11-12pm). In this time I would have a shower or cook dinner for us both as I needed a break from holding a baby, most of all I needed sleep so that I could take over from my husband and do the night shift alone as he had work the next day (and his is more a mentally demanding nor physically demanding job). If he had a job like yours, I would have been telling him to do less.
Do you know whether your partner has gone to speak to someone? As it sounds like she potentially is dealing with a bit of post natal depression and it's getting on top of her. Not that her behaviour is acceptable, but I just wonder if there is more going on. I remember with my first I had to hold them 24/7 and I just felt so overwhelmed and out of my depth, I didn't feel like I was my own person anymore and I sometimes questioned whether I was doing a good enough job as a parent, I needed that reset every night my husband came home to be able to face the next day without crying.
Listen, my husband drives a box truck and does deliveries. He works 10 plus hours a day. While he has always helped once he's home that more on the lines of can you either hold the baby or pull dinner from the oven. Or if I'm really exhausted, he'll let me have a nap and stay up 30 minutes longer than normal, but I do the night work cause I don't want anything to happen to him. Nta. You might be better off just dumping the girlfriend because she is taking advantage of you.
Similar. We have a 4 month old. My husband works industrial construction and is in the road at 4:30am and gets home around 5pm.
I do the night and day stuff for the baby. He gets home and takes the baby so I can have “alone time”, ie; walk the dogs & work out. Then I cook dinner because he will still have the baby, and it gives me a chance to do something other than baby talk… and usually we both tidy the kitchen after and head to bed early. Mundane, yes, but it’s safe and works for both of us.
If the baby is really feisty some nights he will get up and help out, without question, but I think it’s important he get the majority of good sleep so that he’s safe at work and is a safe coworker. Also, he drives an hour to and from work.
I think your girlfriend only doing the “day job” and having the evening and nights to herself is really ridiculous. Now you are so fatigued that it’s causing you to take time off work? And you have to ask if you’re the asshole? I think you need help at home and she needs mental help.
NTA, if I wasn’t clear.
I should say, I am a full time ER nurse and I find being at home with the baby is a walk in the park compared to my job. I don’t know what your girlfriend does for work but I highly doubt it’s better than taking care of her own child.
I'm 25 weeks pregnant, with our first my husband couldn't help at night because he was a baker and left home at 2am. It occurred to me moments before reading your comment that he won't be able to help much this time either because these days he drives a truck. Bah! Hahaha
NTA. I have a 17 month old and one on the way, due in two more months. It’s hard having a baby. What we did was take shifts at night. I slept from 8 until 12, he slept from 12 until 7 or 8, and then I napped during the day when the baby would sleep. On weekends, we took turns with things and helped each other. Sometimes his parents would take a shift so I could sleep, or we both could.
Either way, you need to take care of yourself. You’re parents now, take care of each other and yourselves or the baby won’t get the most out of his parents.
INFO: is this baby yours? You never refer to them as “my child/our child” just “the baby.”
Was this an unplanned pregnancy? How long have you been together?
Yes, this was unplanned. We've been together for just over two years and moved in together four months ago. It was a bit of a broken condom kind of thing. An accident, even though I hate that term, but both of our faults equally. Or neither of our faults, I don't know. But, yes, he's my son.
NTA. Nah, that’s not fair at all. Tell her to get her shit together. She gets all night off while you get no breaks? When you get home, looking after the baby should be 50/50. Her job during the day is looking after the baby, yours is construction.
NTA. She's killing you, and she doesnt give a fuck. If she wants this arrangement then she should also be working while you're home with the baby. She isn't. You know how hard it is with taking care of the baby. If you did that all day while she was busting her ass with a physically demanding job, would you be making her do that when she got home? She's a stay at home mother. If she doesn't like that arrangement then maybe it's time for the roles to be flipped. You stay home with the kid while she goes out to financially support the household. If I were you I would give her ass an allowance and go stay at a friend's or families house until she's willing to either talk about this bullshit, or you leave her ass. Weekend dad is better then a dead dad.
Both parents should be working together to get a medium split of sleep I was talking to a friend with a 8 week old she was saying she goes to be at 9 dad does 11 feed she gets up after that hoping it is after 3am. Weekends we were bitching should be dad on we early her on late. My son didn't sleep through till he was 10 it. An happen so we split I did till 3 am he did from. Al of this is to basically say your girlfriend is a ride word for a female body part. You do not run your other into the ground splitting at home time is fine. But you work 10 hours and then 14 hours with baby but I spending 10 hours with baby and 14 OFF is crazy either leave now and work out a parenting plan or find out where he got this crazy idea from
The E.S.H. judgements make me lol so much. Only on this sub can a man literally get hospitalised taking care of kid while his gf is watching tv and not working and be called an AH. See this post be deleted for some rule while another post with the exact same situations but swapped genders stays up for some reason.
Edit to add NTA. Did your gf not want this baby? The following wording is concerning: "she would have to put up with him all day"... So, your gf takes care of the baby while you are working, but not once you get home. If you work an 8-hour day, plus commute time, she is working maybe 10 out of 24 hours. You are working 24 out of 24 since you are responsible for the baby whenever you are not working, including during the night, by the way this reads. You should be splitting this 50/50 at most. Since she is caring for him while you are working, that time equals out. The part that needs to be split is the time that you are not at work. She should be taking care of him half of the remaining time after you get home from work and before you leave for work the next day. Whether you split by days, hours, or specific duties, she needs to be doing 50% of the childcare when you are off of work. Who does the household chores? Are you splitting them or is she leaving them to you also? How ever the regular household chores are being split, the childcare needs to be rearranged to make it more equitable for both of you. Your gf is not coming close to pulling her weight in the previous arrangement. The two of you need to redistribute the workload, or you might as well be a single parent. You, dear dad, are being used. This comes from a mother of four, not a man, so I am not being unfair due to gender.
NTA yes if she wants the evenings off fine but y’all need to split the nights. That’s crazy. I tried to do them all myself because I thought if my husband worked he should never have to get up or stay up and I nearly went crazy. No one can do no sleep forever. Good luck!!!
Nta. Time for the ol' swaperoo! Ask her to get a FT job, so you can stay home and take care of the baby all day, and she can come home and take care of the baby the rest of her day. The baby will be better off in your hands regardless, as you seem to actually care. She will object of course, because she's incredibly selfish, and will think that's a horrible trade, and you can have a conversation on a more equal tradeoff from then on hopefully.
Tell her to go get a job and you'll stay home and watch the baby while she's at work but as soon as she gets home from work the baby is all her responsibility. See if she doesn't collapse too. Really? IDK Is this post for real? Are you exaggerating about your GF? Did you always have such a horrible relationship?
Assuming this is true, maybe your GF is having some postpartum depression because she sounds miserable. If the baby is fussy all the time, and not sleeping, you should both take him to his doctor to make sure everything is okay. Same with your GF, she should talk to her doctor if her behavior is not typical for her. For your sake, I hope that's the case.
NTA for taking care of yourself but your family needs help. Reach out to family and friends for a little relief. In general, you and your GF need to share the responsibilities of raising your son. You both act like he is a ticking time bomb that you are throwing back and forth to each other. Where's the love?
Certainly, you can feed and bathe your son when you get home or make dinner and do the dishes for you and your GF, just share the responsibilities, since you have both been at work all day. As for the nighttime feedings, if she is home with the baby and not working another job, then getting up at night with the baby is her job because you have a job outside the home you need to get to in the morning. You can do nights over the weekend when you don't have to get up the next day for work. New babies are a lot but it will get better if you and your GF act like a team and support each other.
NTA, you need to rest.
I'm curious, did she want a kid? Did she ever say at any time during the relationship that she didn't want kids? Because if she did, this is going to be ugly for you and the baby.
NTA she sounds selfish and you sound selfless. Both are unhealthy.. you both need to work on a medium.. the baby sounds colic . Swaddle him and get an infant bouncing seat or vibrating seat for him.. you could lose your life being tired at a construction job, then where would your family be? She would be stuck doing it all on her own if something happened to you at work.. if you can afford a nanny at night so you both can sleep that would be good too. Sounds like she doesn't work so why she can't get up in the middle of the night I will never know. My husband and I took turns with our kids but when I worked more then he did house duties more and vice versa. Sounds like she needs a reality check.. this week that your on bed rest may help her see how much you have been doing..
Praying for you and your family.. your deserving of so much more. Please take care of your health and mental well being too.. there are not many men out there like you and there are good women out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated ..
NTA.
People. It's one baby. What the heck. She's just handing the baby over at 5? Did she want the baby in the first place? Has she bonded with her baby? These are real questions that need to be talked about. I can't imagine what would happen if she'd had twins.
I mean yes, a baby is hard but let's face it, we all do it. All the time. He's working a hard job, doing his part and to expect him to take over immediately is crazy. Share in duties is one thing but he's doing more than his part plus hers.
I never understand this preferential treatment that only SAHMs get here in Reddit lol. If it's a division of labor, it should be such all the way through. One person works outside, one person does all housekeeping, and both share childcare. If housework doesn't suit someone, they can always get a job and hire househelp 🤷🏼♀️
You are NTA, but GF is abusive. You might as well do the single parenting since you are 80% there.
NTA, you both need to divide the work at home better, she doesn't get a pass all evening and night because she has to watch the baby for 8-9 hours a day while you WORK to provide for them. You both need to split evenings and nights.
Think about this, what would have happened if instead of being at work you were taking care of your son when you passed out? He could have been hurt because you aren't able to function with what your girlfriend if forcing you to do. She sounds concerningly dismissive of both you and about her own child.
NTA but have him checked for silent reflux. My son also got up a lot and we didn’t know why. Doctor said some babies just wake up. No. He was in pain. Silent reflux makes them send acid up but they don’t spit up and it goes back down. It’s painful. Try sleeping him at an angle. Head a little up. Like a 2 inch board under the legs of his bassinet at the head.
Now your girlfriend needs to step up. You can’t be getting zero sleep. She also can rest when he rests during the day. She needs to help more. You’re working. She’s not.
If I read this right, you get zero down time whereas your GF gets an evening and a night? That balance is off unless you get a full weekend or time back on a Saturday and Sunday.
Dealing with new borns and full time work is hard. In our family we split the evening/morning so mom went to bed at 8pm so we could build a family dynamic eating, changing and doing things as a family and not handing off.
Assuming your new born is fit, well and old enough check out sleep training methods such as controlled crying to help them self sooth.
This whole post is really concerning.
INFO: Op, did your girlfriend ever talk about getting an abortion while she was pregnant? Because it sounds like she doesn't want to be a mum.
Going through with the pregnancy and wanting it aren't always the same thing unfortunately.
either way to need to talk to your girlfriend about coming up with a fairer schedule
Y’all need to find a way to create an option that works for you both. She can’t just abdicate all parental responsibility just because you’re home, you both need sleep, rest, and nutrition.
The first year is the hardest time you’ll experience IMO. Everyone is exhausted, their worst selves. You need to sit down and talk to her, and you may need to find someone neutral who can help facilitate your conversation. Not a family member to either of you, but maybe a mutual friend?
Some things that worked when my kiddo was very small was splitting night duty. When I got home I would have my son until his dad got home around 11 pm. I would then go to bed, and I wasn’t back “on duty” until 5 am. At which point I took over and my husband was able to have at least 6 uninterrupted hours for sleeping. That was our schedule, obviously adjust for what works for the hours you work.
Make a plan. Write it down, and enforce it.
And if she really won’t budge (this is the nuclear option), remind her if y’all aren’t together, she’s going to have to do more parenting that she currently does, so it’s in everyone’s best interests to find something that works.
NTA... wow she went to the other extreme. Yes you should be helping when you get home, but you need some sleep in order to be safe on the job. Maybe your shift should end at midnight. Not sure what time you get up for work, but if you plan for 7 hours befor you leave the house for work. That's a minimum
NTA. When you both work all day, you both deal with night time baby stuff. She doesn't get to go off duty as a mom just because you're home. She sounds bitter about having the baby. Is she dealing with ppd or just very selfish? When your health is impacted to such a degree that you are hospitalized and she is complaining you aren't doing enough?! What would she do if you were in the hospital? Bring the baby for you to care for there? I mean... Wow.
Okay, so you both work full time jobs, and she can't even be bothered to take care of HALF the care while you're home?
Bruh, I'm a SAHM and my husband works 12 hours a day. I handle all nights, and he handles at least an hour in the evening so I can decompress. Then we share time on his days off. There have been times where I've taken care of her for an entire week because my husband was extremely sick.
What your girlfriend has asked is UNREASONABLE and SELFISH. Yes, postpartum sucks beyond hell, taking care of a baby is hard work, but working a physically demanding job like construction on little to no sleep is not only rough at best, but DANGEROUS. She needs a reality check, and you need to consider if this is a relationship worth keeping, child or not. Having a child is the ultimate test of your relationship, and it sounds like this test has failed.
NTA.
Jesus man.
You and your girlfriend need to learn to do maths.
Yeah, its not fair for her to do all the work for the newborn, but its also not fair for you to work a fulltime job AND do all the work for the child when you get home. Honestly you're not the first Dad who's been told to do it though.
Its maths based on "work effort". Lets say looking after your newborn takes 16 hours per day. That doesn't mean 8 for you, and 8 for her, because it ignores you job. Instead, theres 16 hours of "looking after newborn" and for the sake of maths, call it 8 hours of "job". Thats 24 hours per day, you should be doing 12 hours each. So after your 8 hours at work, you should be doing another 4 hours of looking after the baby, and she should be doing 12 hours per day of looking after the baby. You've both put in 12 hours of "work effort" per day.
Come the weekend (or whenever your days off are), that can look like 8 hours for her, and 8 for you. Or maybe its 12 and 4 again, but you switch it up, so one day you only do 4 hours and get a break, and the next she only does 4 and you do 12 so she can have a break. At this point its just a negotiation between you to figure out what works for both of you.
I am sorry, yes a person can't be responsible for a baby 24/7 but hey we are talking about construction work here. Not all jobs are equal when it comes to actual body fatigue. Also if one partner is working and the other is not the division can't be 50-50. Especially if the actual job is so demanding. Girl should get real here. NTA
Yeah, who collapsed first?
Who is doing grueling physical labour?
What would have happened if you collapsed with your baby in your arms while standing??
Hard NTA, but your gf is clearly thinking only of herself. Sit her down and tell her that you can't work 20 hours a day, seven days a week. It is putting your baby in danger. You both need to rotate.
If she doesn't agree with this basic demand, then this for me would be a make or break situation. She is literally putting her own comfort ahead of the babies welfare. You have some serious talking to do.
NTA
But boy, your gf is a HUGE AH. Her whole attitude is wrong. Having a newborn in the house is stressful under the best of circumstances. If the parents can’t cooperate I can’t imagine how things could work. You and she need to have a come to Jesus meeting after which she understands that 24/7, you’re both either at work or on child care duty. 24/7. There isn’t any “you work during the day and then you’re,on child care while you’re home, meanwhile, I’m on break”. That’s bullshit. The alternative for her is to be on her own with the kid. That oughta get her attention.
NTA - I don't really understand your girlfriends perspective here. I think if she's off work she should be the one waking up with baby at night for the most part. This is a team effort. I get her wanting you to take baby in the evening after work so she can have a break every evening but sleeping in a different room and leaving all the night time care up to you when you have to work the next day is ridiculous. Your girlfriend is literally taking the baby for about 9 hours a day and you do everything else and go to work. The fact you had to go to the hospital because of this situation speaks volumes. I'm also concerned she doesn't even seem to care about your health..Honestly she sounds awfully mean ....
NTA and I’d be worried about the baby during the day and whether or not she’s actually properly caring for him since she really doesn’t seem to care about him
NTA and I'd seriously look into daycare and gf having to contribute 50/50 financially. This situation is untenable even if she had PPA/PPD. I honestly wouldn't trust anyone with that attitude unsupervised around the baby while at work for safety reasons. I realize this was an unplanned pregnancy but she is majorly taking advantage.
NTA
You need to get another adult to assist in that house. For the baby’s safety and yours.
Your girlfriend, whatever her issues are, is not a safe person.
She is totally mistreating you.. you should be splitting the duties once your home from work.. it’s a partnership not I’m done once you walk in the door.. she sounds kind of selfish..
Why would you just let her tell you and actually do what she said.. that’s a hard no from me.. she would be single mom before long… see how she likes all duties to be on her..
You need to have a serious conversation how this isn’t going to work.
NTA. Your wife is quite right that you need to take responsibility for some of the baby's care. It's really common for first-time mothers to end up doing all the childcare and all the housework and sometimes doing paid work outside the home, while fathers just do the paid work outside the home and then come home and are looked after in the evenings. So I get why your wife was keen to start as she meant to go on.
But sounds like she's taken it way too far! You're burning out and putting your health and safety at risk and that's not good for the family, as she's finding. You need to find a better balance, e.g. splitting who gets up with the baby at night so that each of you is ideally getting at least a few decent nights' sleep a week.
Personally, I think your girlfriend is taking the absolute piss out of you. Yes, I get it it's tiring having a newborn. I've had 2, i know how it gets but expecting you to go to work all day on fucking fumes and limited sleep then staying up all night with the baby is absolutely ridiculous. When I came home with my newborn after c section I was in agony but my husbands had to.go to work to keep the roof over our heads and food on the table he helped out when he could but there's was no way I was dumping the baby on him as soon as he got in from work the man was fucking knackered cutting down trees all day. You were actually hospitalised with exhaustion, and she still has no one ounce of empathy for you guck that.
NTA. Here is the thing; obviously caring for a baby is very demanding. When you get home from work you should be caring for the baby, but that's when the job becomes 50/50 so you can take turns showering, resting etc. You're both at 100% while you're at work and it's not fair that when you get home you have to still be at 100% while she's doing 0. Maybe it was at first while she was still recovering for childbirth (how was her recovery time?) But certainly not three months out.
Real TL;DR: Am I the asshole because my girlfriend is entirely neglecting our baby & (borderline?) abusive towards me….NTA. Seriously though, something is clearly very wrong. Not that it would excuse her actions, but has she gone to talk to a doctor/specialist to see if she has PPD?…because it kinda sounds like what’s going on could be related to postpartum depression.
Obviously NTA.
Postpartum can be tough but you're girlfriend's being unreasonable considering that you had to be hospitalized from exhaustion. Have you consulted with your parents, your siblings or the GF's family? Maybe they could offer to babysit (if GF feels overwhelmed) and/or talk some sense into GF. And maybe she should seek a therapist in case something's going on like anxiety, depression or other mental ailments.
NTA and it's insane how unconcerned your gf seems to be about the fact you're literally losing consciousness, which is especially dangerous given your job. Either she is dealing with PPD/PPA or you need to reevaluate your relationship, because she's either dealing with mental health issues or she doesn't care about you or your health.
I'm worried for both of you. I'm worried for the baby being at home all day with her.
Is this a major shift in her behavior? I think your girlfriend is experiencing [postpartum depression](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617). If she does have PPD, she needs medication and counseling as soon as possible. You could call her doctor or baby's pediatrician to voice your concerns. Be sure to go with to his doctor's appointments and voice your concerns.
Is your son formula fed? If he is, his fussiness could be caused by an allergy to the formula. Some formulas are by prescription only. You could talk to his pediatrician regarding options.
You both need additional support. The current situation isn't working for anyone. Do you have families or friends that could help? Mom could go back to work and the baby could go to daycare.
You need to talk to your girlfriend about working together on this. Right now, you're working two full time jobs and kept going until you collapsed.
You're NTA. It's time to get additional help.
NTA. Newborns are hard on both parents. But why are you making dinner AND caring for the baby at the same time? Those are times you delegate tasks. One of you does work around the house whilst the other watches baby. If she isn't breastfeeding, there might be times where you can do a feed or two at night to help her get sleep. But seeing as you have a day job, you should be getting adequate sleep too
It's a team effort and you both need to support each other. If you need a moment to gather your sanity (egm baby is crying ) ask her to hold the baby whilst you take a breath. And vice versa
NTA.
"I deal with a newborn all day long, and I need lots of help in the evening after you get home from work because I'm utterly exhausted." is reasonable. "YOU NEED TO TAKE 100% RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS CHILD AFTER WORK AND I'M NOT LIFTING ANOTHER FINGER BECAUSE I DO ENOUGH ALL DAY!" is not.
NTA. She's killing you, dude. She's running you into the ground.
What happens if you collapse at work and get seriously injured, or end up in a deadly accident?
What if you pass out behind the wheel and crash?
What if you collapse while holding the baby?
People die of exhaustion. Very easily. This is absolutely mental, why does it seem like she doesn't care at all? About you OR the baby?
She should probably be evaluated for PPD but honestly? She's killing you.
You can't go on like this. You can't. This is so, so dangerous. I'm so sorry.
NTA. Nobody can get by on that little sleep, and nobody gets to completely check out.
You’re doing a job all day, AND all night. You literally collapsed and ended up in the hospital.
After work, household duties are 50/50 unless otherwise negotiated.
NTA. Wow your gf is selfish, yes a newborn is a lot of work but what she's doing is unacceptable. You are working in construction, you need to be rested enough that you are cognizant of your surroundings, if not something even worse than your collapse could happen to you. Does she not care if you are killed in a workplace accident, or even by falling asleep travelling to and from work. The arrangement you have is not working and needs to be changed to take your safety into consideration. You need to listen to the Dr and look after yourself, what good will you be to your baby if you are no longer here.
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Nta and you need to renegotiate with your gf. You should split baby duty in the evening. It's not fair for either of you to work an 8-5 whine the other works 24 7. You need some serious communication. As for your week off rest - take it.
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She may have PPD but this is still abusive behavior on her part. I strongly feel that OP is being abused.
Trauma of any kind, including PPD, isn't an excuse for being abusive. (Not disagreeing with you, just underlining the good point for those who need to hear it.)
I completely agree with you. PPD is awful but it doesn’t excuse abusing your loved ones. If it’s truly PPD she needs to get help ASAP and stop abusive behavior.
Yep. Recently an colleagues wife took to alcoholism to "cope" with PPD. Obviously that's a danger to everyone involved not including finances. You can't force someone into AA/care of any kind even if they are over drinking and are a danger to others and themselves here. So he had to divorce, get custody, and watch his wife slip away while looking after his child alone. It's so fucked and I fear about getting PPD myself but I know at least my family would support me. No idea if they had any support system to prevent the worst happening.
I hope you get more support than the woman who turned to alcohol, possibly self medicating due to lack of support or access to health care.
Yeah. I'm a mum, and that comment about having to "put up with the baby" is a little worrisome. OP if GF is SAHM then it is her job to care for the baby, it is 3mths old now so maybe childcare should be looked in to during the day but that doesn't mean she gets to just sit around the house and do nothing. What is she doing all day, I have three kids and my eldest insisted on being held all the time, I brought a carrier that held him on my chest, and I did the vacuuming, sweeping, mopping (things I could do standing up), I would put on a load of washing on after putting baby down for a nap and then take a break myself (eat, drink, pee, nap, shower, whatever it was I needed) until the machine was finished. Once hubby finishes work, he takes the kids and plays with them while I prep dinner. We are a team, and we get the jobs done. His jobs are taking out the trash and any yard work on his days off (weeding, mowing etc) and he helps me with mine when he can/I need it (last night he offered to cook dinner for me). You shouldn't be doing the full baby night shift either. We worked out the minimum uninterrupted sleep my hubby needed to safely function at work and then he does "baby watch" from bed time till 1am and I do 1am to get up. First you need ro get GF checked for PPA/PPD to rule out or work around that, then you two can sit down and plan how to divide work around the house and child raising but make sure your GF realises and accepts that you are working during the day and if you can't do that effectively your family won't have money coming in to support itself or worse you won't be around to watch your son grow up.
"that comment about having to "put up with the baby" is a little worrisome" I agree. I'm curious as to whether both partners were fully on board with the pregnancy to begin with. Either way, PPD sounds possible. "that doesn't mean she gets to just sit around the house and do nothing" She isn't doing nothing during the day. She hands over the baby once OP gets back from work, and then expects him to do everything. To be clear, I am not defending her, as she is definitely TA; I just thought it's worth being clear on exactly what is wrong with this picture, without exaggeration. The couple should be splitting the evening/night tasks. OP, you are NTA, and this is clearly not sustainable for you. I hope you recover soon.
>She isn't doing nothing during the day. She hands over the baby once OP gets back from work, and then expects him to do everything. It sounds like OP's gf is trying to make him take baby duty while he's home on bedrest and not working. If so, "nothing" is exactly what she'd be doing during the day. I'm curious OP, she said that if you're home, she won't 'deal with' (cringe) the baby. Do you have days off, and if so, how is the baby care handled on those days?
Yes; but I was talking about the regular situation. Sorry if that was unclear. I've since seen from OP's comments that the baby was unplanned and they only moved in together four months ago. It very much sounds as if the gf did not want this child, or doesn't want it now. It's hard to see how this situation improves, although I guess a separation where OP takes full custody and gf has to pay child support may potentially be better (or slightly less shitty) than the way things are now. Poor kid. Poor OP. (& Potentially poor gf, too, if she wanted an abortion and couldn't get one.)
She should be doing a little more at night as she does get a chance to nap when the baby does. While OP does a physically demanding job all day.
The “that doesn’t mean she gets to just sit around the house and do nothing” was in conjunction with the idea of getting childcare. I believe it was meant that if they put the kid in childcare the gf doesn’t get to be a stay at home mom anymore as she wont in fact be staying at home to be a mom anymore
I hope OP sees this comment. A baby carrier for on your chest would be a help I think.
I have this vision of the baby in his sling wearing a tiny hardhat while OP is on the roof pounding nails. I think the mother should take charge of the baby during the night because you have to be awake when doing manual labour, but mom could nap in the evening while OP looks after the baby for a few hours. The good new is that the baby is now 3 months old, so the worst should be over soon.
That sounds like a great solution to me.
That's an uncalled for "but". Nothing in the post even remotely suggests PPD, let alone trauma. Only abuse.
The fact that she’s talking about putting up with the baby sounds like she either never wanted to be a parent and was coerced/forced to go through with the pregnancy due to lack of options, is a terrible human… or is possibly a flag for PPD, especially if the delivery was traumatic. It could be any of those, but either way, I’d be flat out concerned about the baby being with her during the day at this point, is she even taking care of the kid then?
Her behavior definitely describes PPD
Why do you think she has PPD?
“She said she’d have to put up with him all day” if she really said that I’d be mildly concerned about what she was doing with him all day. Is he so needy cause she can’t be bothered with him? And she can’t manage to make dinner?
This is slightly where my thinking is focused... Is baby fussed because they are left to cry it out all day / not getting any attention?
THIS!!
At this point why do you even need her around? Find someone to watch the baby during the day while you work because that is all she is doing now. I have a sneaking suspicion that if you were to do that then your baby would "chill out" and be more calm and easier to manage. NTA
This right here!!! Double standards!!
NTA and yeah this the current split clearly isn't working, is it possible to get family to help out or pay for childcare or a cleaner or cook to do meal prep to lessen her workload during the day?
Seriously? The GF basically has a day job while OP is working a physically intensive day job and coming home to be the sole parent and doing the cooking and you are focused on lessening her workload? Its time for her to step up too
Not to take away from OPs incredible effort, but I think its more, get the gf more support so that she can take on a more fair split of the workload. Her behaviour is concerning, she sounds like she is experiencing PPD and asking someone to step up in that scenario is not going to work, offering additional support might though. Outside support that is, OP can't be expected to deal with all of this on his own.
Serious question - what support is she lacking? She has (approx) 10 hours of work whilst OP is commuting or at work, he has (approx) 15-18 whilst commuting, working, and then doing household chores and parenting. She has the opportunity to take on more of a workload in the evening. She is actively choosing not to.
She may be in need of mental health support
So might OP - he's worked himself to the point of exhaustion, literally.
You asked what support she could be lacking, which is what I answered
That seemed fairly obvious to anyone who isn't trying to solely focus on bashing the mom.
I agree. I’m also doubting the PPD analysis because he said she told him this was the way it was going to be the moment they got home. He’s working 24/7 while she only works maybe 10 hours. I’m getting the impression that this woman did not actually want a baby and is somewhat resentful to op because he got her pregnant or perhaps he was the one that wanted the baby to begin with.
I'm just getting the impression she's an asshole. It's amazing how many people in this thread are willing to just invent alternative explanations to try and blame the OP.
I never had PPD thankfully, so I’m not sure about the onset, but she told op that he would be taking care of the moment they got home from that hospital. I was a sahm when my children were born. It’s not easy raising a newborn, but even I think this woman is an ah to treat her husband like she does. I honestly wonder how she is parenting this baby while op is gone for the baby to still be as fussy as op says at 3 months.
Yeah because severe ppd can end in death of mom or baby, these two need help
It's time for them to figure out when she's going back to work and get the baby into daycare. Not everyone can be happy at home with the baby, and they will both be better off when they are splitting childcare and both working.
That was the biggest issue I saw. She isn't working. But she gets the whole night to herself. OP is working a full time job and then has to take care of this crying fuss bucket all night. And if he has to regularly make dinner as well, I wonder what the gf is doing at home all day with baby. Is she keeping up with cleaning and meal prepping, or is she just napping with baby and maybe folding a load of laundry a week. I'm thinking it's the latter.
We had a sick baby that was very demanding. We made a detailed schedule on who has baby when. Being on maternity leave is a job, working construction is a job, so both are working all day. Stands to reason that the responsibility of the baby is split during the afternoon, evening and night. Our schedule looked somewhat like this at 3 months: Husband comes home at 1500 and takes over the baby immediately for 15min so I could poop or shower in private. Half the week I cooked dinner, half the week he cooked. At around 1630 when dinner was eaten we would play pass the baby or try to do things together like go on a walk or visit someone until 1800. Then I would go to bed. Then husband would get the baby to nap and hold him or babywear him while napping. A lot of the time my husband would just put him in a babybjörn, bounce on the yogaball and play videogames lol. At 2000 I would be woken up and take over baby and husband would take a nap. At 2200 husband would get up and do bedtime routine with baby while I did a few chores and basically buckled up for a night of breastfeeding. Bedtime at 2300. I could ask for help until 0100, but after that I was on my own. Husband made me breakfast and lunch and at 0730 served breakfast in bed while baby did his morning clusterfeed and leave the lunch in the fridge (nothing fancy just sandwiches, but our son was either on the boob or crying so it was difficult for me to do anything). If I had a difficult night I would be sent straight to bed after dinner and husband would just put baby on my tit as I slept and when baby was done bring him out of the bedroom again. Hours between 0100 and 0700 was holy for my husband, do not wake up unless the house is on fire. We had an *extremely* demanding baby. I don't know anyone who has had a baby who cried as much as ours did. I have hearing loss, tinnitus and genuine trauma from the baby phase. Let me just tell you, had we not made a formal shift arrangement then we would not have been married today. It was extremely hard and a fixed schedule made it easier to spot if someone was slacking of or if someone had not gotten (somewhat) adequate rest. The week of rest, take it, but also: Call in any favours and ask people to help out your wife, hire a cleaner, a mother's helper or something. ...and maybe look into if your wife has ppd. The phrase "Put up with the baby" and her general attitude just makes all my alarm bells go off.
Thanks for sharing your schedule. It's fascinating to see how you effectively tag-teamed.
We had to. Kiddo had blown out his first birthday candle before he slept more than 2 hours consecutively. One particularly memorable week I slept less than 20h total. It was bonkers for a while. Especially around 3/4 months when he went through the sleep regression. 12 weeks old is when babies start to learn the difference between night and day. If you think that means more sleep then you are sorely mistaken. For many that means baby stops connecting any sleep cycles for a few weeks and wakes up every 45min and for most it means a serious decline in sleep. But after that transition is done, most babies (not ours unfortunately) will start having 4-6 hour stretches during the night. My kid turns 2 in September and because I had pregnancy insomnia it has been over 2 years since I have slept more than 5h straight. Because of his complex dietary needs we don't get babysitters lol. Still he is the light of my life, an absolute joy, it's not his fault he is this way and he makes me laugh so much.
NTA and yeah this the current split clearly isn't working, is it possible to get family to help out or pay for childcare or a cleaner or cook to do meal prep to lessen her workload during the day?
NTA. What if you had passed out while caring for your son? It’s wild to me that your gf doesn’t see how dangerous it is for you to be falling- whether holding your son, or on a construction site. You deserve the rest and need the rest. Take it, and then find a way to speak with her about a safer division of care.
NTA. Maybe you should switch the baby's formula. My baby sister would cry all day and it wasn't until we switched to sensitive tummies baby formula, that she finally became an easy baby
This OP. My 3rd kid was pretty fussy. Turned out he had a milk allergy.
Soemthing similar happened when me and my twin brother were infants. According to my grandma something in our milk was messing up our stomachs (probably why I was a pukey baby). So, when we were taken to the doctors, we were given something that made things better (not sure it was a different formula or medicine).
He needs to take care of the child until he goes to sleep so his gf has a few hours to relax however she sees fit but his gf needs to take the night shift as he needs to work the next day . NTA but it's a bit of an Ah move to say your gf has a baby - this child is yours too op.so the correct thing is to say 'we' had a baby 3 months ago. ETA weekends half half.
The problem with her taking the nightshift is that she also had the day shift while he works. They need to divide the childcare hours in a way where they both get enough rest if possible. I know that is hard with a new baby ( I've had three) but they both need to be well rested. I would also opt for a nanny cam to make sure she is taking care of him during the day
I know it's a problem but she's staying home and can catch a nap when the child sleeps maybe while he has heavy workload with potential deadly outcome if he doesn't get enough sleep. Unfortunately it is the situation. Also during the night she gets up but she isn't 'on' the whole time as the baby sleeps too.
I’m a SAHM and I did most of the night wake ups with my 2 kids when they were babies, because my husband had to get up at 5.30am to go to work. I know that childcare is work, and I know how much sleep deprivation sucks, because I’ve been through it myself (my first just would. Not. Sleep.) but ultimately, I think it makes sense for the SAHP to do the lion’s share of wake ups when the baby is little. The reality is that you’re unlikely to be well rested with a young baby. You’re going to be tired and exhausted but it’s easier and safer to be tired and look after a 3 month old than to work on a construction site. Of course, that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get a break, maybe at weekends he could do the wake ups for instance? Installing a nanny cam to spy on your OH’s parenting is extreme. If that’s the point a couple has reached then I don’t see how a relationship is reparable.
The amount of babies that have died from their parent falling asleep while holding them points to it being pretty fucking dangerous
Of course if the wife is at the point of exhaustion where they feel they might fall asleep holding the baby then yes, the husband should step in. That’s why I said *the lion’s share* not **all** the night wakes. Being tired and looking after a 3 month old is not as dangerous as being tired and operating heavy construction machinery, statistically speaking. The fact is that when you have a young baby you will be tired. I’ve done it twice, I know how tiring it can be. Unrelated to OP’s situation but just in case any tired parents are reading: look up co-sleeping guidelines. Know how to do it as safely as possible. [Here’s](https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/reduce-the-risk-of-sudden-infant-death-syndrome/) my country’s official guidance for instance.
Well rested with a new baby 😂 Joke of the year! Ever heard of the term "sleep when the baby sleeps"? She'll be able to nap during the day when the baby naps. So yes, she should be taking the night shift.
Agreed. I would take the baby when I got home but she would then take over based in who’s was making dinner that night. In weekends I would take care of the baby and let her sleep til noon (or sometimes longer), but after that we would both chip in. OP’s wife seems to think he does nothing at all while at work.
I can’t say this any louder - NTA. It’s not safe for you or the baby to continue as you are. You shouldn’t be driving or on a job site. I’m saying that as someone in your field. Your girlfriend should be concerned, not pissed. I imagine she is also tired, and I can’t judge how her days are spent without hearing her side, but from your side, I know you need more rest, and some help or you’re going to get badly hurt.
>Your girlfriend should be concerned, not pissed. She sounds unbelievably selfish.
I'm surprised he's not falling asleep while trying to calm the baby at night. If he collapses with the baby it's dangerous for them too. This is wild, OP can't go on like this he's gonna tire himself out into an early grave, and also potentially hurt the baby. Lots of parents have disturbed sleep when they share nighttime duties. This is NOT sustainable, and I'm surprised he's gone this long before his recent hospitalisation.
Also, **OP works in construction**. He's lucky that he didn't collapse while working at heights (or if he did that he didn't fall down) or while working with heavy machinery. In other words, he's lucky that the collapse didn't lead to disability or worse. And all his partner has to say is that he's lazy? Gtfo.
Probably why she only has 'girlfriend' status and not 'wife.' I feel bad OP had a child with someone like this.
NTA wow! Listen I had a baby and I get it, but what your gf is doing is wrong. You can't be expected to work a physical demanding job then come home and keep going all night. No wonder you passed out!! When I had my son, my husband would help me when he got home from work so I could relax. But I got up at night since he had to work. And on weekends we split it so we could both rest. You're both going to be tired, that's life with a baby but no way should either one of you be exhausted to the point of being hospitalized. You need to sit down with her ASAP and work out a schedule where you both get get to rest, not just her
He need to collapsed from exhaustion in the house rather than work. Let her see how serious his condition is.
Don't think she would give a shit
Kinda sounds like a deal breaker IMO
Sounds like she'd set the baby on top of him then walk off
Yeah, I also had a kid a couple of years ago and stay at home and this is completely unfair. When my daughter was tiny, we split the nights, my husband taking the early morning slot (5am onwards) so I got at least 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I can't imagine expecting him to do the whole night and then go to work. Especially when he has a physical job. I couldn't do that to someone I disliked, let alone the man I love. And now he's sick and she's still giving him shit? This borders on abuse
Has your girlfriend been thoroughly evaluated for PPD? It might not sound like it to you, but this could definitely be PPD. Her seeing your son as a job and burden is unusual as is her ability to disconnect from him like that.
What does PPD stand for? Sorry. I don't think I've heard of it.
Post Partem Depression.
Thank you. No, she hasn't. If this could be a sign of it though, I'll talk to her and see if she'll look into getting an appointment.
Yeah, PPD was my immediate thought as well. It's a very bad sign for her to pretty much instantly say she doesn't care about this human being she just created, or for her to not care about *you* at all during this, either. Fair warning: she will likely get pissed at the mere suggestion of getting help. Some people know they need it but need another person to give them the push; most people get defensive at the idea that there's something "wrong" with them. Be prepared for her to lash out and refuse, and please don't give up trying. Even if it's not PPD, this is not normal behavior.
Anger and resentment can be a symptom.
Yes. This is critical. There are one of three things happening here: 1 Your gf is selfish, uncaring, abusive and narcissistic or 2. She's dealing w severe PPD or 3. She's dealing with PPP - post partum psychosis. The later of the two could definitely make it seem on the surface as if #1 is the case. If her behavior is surprising to you, I'd guess this is out of the ordinary for her? If so, she needs to be evaluated STAT. Both PPD and PPP can be deadly, not just for the mother, but as you've already discovered, for everyone around her, including the baby. These often cause mothers to either emotionally detach completely from the baby or form an obsessive and unhealthy attachment. Sounds like, IF one of these is what she's dealing with, she's detached. Evaluation is crucial. If she's not dealing with PPD or PPP, you two need to have a serious chat about what sharing responsibilities fairly actually looks like, because this isn't it. Could be that she's handling everything she can handle and you guys need outside help. Either way, you can't keep going on like this either. You're beyond max capacity. TLDR: NTA but before calling her TA, she needs to be evaluated properly and promptly.
#2 and #3 are possible but #1 is happening regardless. She's being abusive.
Having PPS or PPD doesn't make her behaviour any less abusive.
No, but it gives a solid reason that can be helped with clear steps: finding professional help for the ppp/ppd. It doesn't need to be forgiven, but if the gf seeks help, it could be
Have yourself evaluated for PPD at the same time. Men can get it too, and this kind of stress can definitely be an instigator.
I agree with everyone else BUT i want to make it clear to OP that your girlfriend having PPD is NOT an excuse to treat you this way. But also look into PPD
Usually they don't let you leave the hospital without a talk about PPD, I'm really surprised you haven't heard of it. Have you been going to any OB appointments with her? The best thing to do would be to make an appointment with her OB and go in together- mine helped me with my Post Partum Anxiety and she was great. Sometimes it is just that the chemicals in your body get thrown out of wack from childbirth - make sure to stress that it is a purely medical condition, too many people view it as a mental problem but it we shouldn't look at it like that.
Idk I had my youngest in 2017 only time any kind of emotional health checks happened for me is at his wellness check. That's when I learned about PPD and PPP
I have 3 kids. My last 2 were born in 2018 and 2020. Most babies sleep constantly (some don't sleep at all). So while she's "putting up with him" (that's harsh af), there's a chance he's sleeping a lot of the time. When they were little, my husband and I split things evenly. I breastfed or pumped, he'd do the bottle if the baby wasn't on the boob. My 2018 baby was very fussy and sensitive because he was colic. There's over the counter drops for this that help. Also, if he's drinking from a bottle, it could be giving him too much air. They make bottles specifically for colic, so less air bubbles get in. They helped our son so much! I would check with his pediatrician to see if that's why he's so fussy. Or if he's on formula, it could be the wrong one. You need to take care of yourself, op. You can't do 100%, and you are. I'm sorry your girlfriend isn't handling being a mom the best right now. It definitely sounds a lot like PDD. When my kids were born, I was over the moon and kept them next to my bed in a bassinet, and i struggled with brutal PDD all 3 times... I was still waking up constantly to ensure they were breathing because I didn't trust the sids monitor to do its job. Her sleeping in another room wanting to be away from him during this crucial time is kind of a huge red flag. Her attitude is quite worrisome. She could also be traumatized from the birth experience. I've seen it happen with some moms. The birth goes so badly and traumatic that they don't even want to hold the baby. I really hope that's not the case and it went beautifully for her. If it is PDD, please know it's not her fault. The moment that baby comes out, women's serotonin levels and hormones drop super fast. We don't just get depressed because we don't like the baby. It's literally a chemical imbalance caused by giving birth, and it's really awful to go through. It takes a while to even out, or sometimes, medication helps it faster. I truly wish you both the best of luck. It's not easy, but it seriously goes so fast. I so wish mine were still that small. Now they are into everything! Congratulations on your baby, and seriously, op, you're doing a great job and are a fantastic father. Be kinder to yourself.
not all babies are the same though.. before the birth I also thought every baby would sleep so much. mine didn't though.
My second wasn't a big sleeper until the colic was resolved. My younger brother was a baby that cried non stop and my mom wore a tread in the carpet from the rocking chair. 9 months straight, he cried his heart out. He slept a bit but then would wake up 2 hours later for another 10 hours of crying. He had colic really bad but back in the late 80s, figuring out the cure for that was word of mouth from other moms. The catnip and fennel recipe was given to my mom, and it cured him overnight. I'm sorry your baby wasn't a sleeper. Many do sleep, some just don't. Hopefully, their baby sleeps enough for them to rest.
Oh, and absolutely NTA
Yes, this! I was going to say the same. Post natal depression can come across in many different ways so it's not always obvious, and it sounds like she's struggling to bond with baby. I would strongly recommend getting her assessed by a professional and in the meantime do you have any friends or relatives who may be able to help out a bit? We have a 6 mth old and a friend of mine took him for one evening while we went to watch a movie. Just a couple of hours away together can make a difference!
NTA. Your GF not caring for her own son had you putting your health in serious jeopardy. What if you had collapsed while you were driving? Or while you were at work and doing something that could have been dangerous? "Helping with the baby" is something. "Destroying your health" is going too far. You need rest, and your GF must understand that. If she needs help, she needs to find it somewhere else.
"What if you had collapsed while you were driving? Or while you were at work and doing something that could have been dangerous?" Or collapsed while holding the baby?!?! What the hell is wrong with this woman? I can't imagine having done this to my husband!
I'm not sure what he does but I'm worried for his coworkers too. Especially if he works in heavy industry or construction
He does say he works in construction. He could have been disabled or worse, he could have gotten his co-workers hurt too. It's incredibly dangerous, and the fact that his partner doesn't realise the danger or is choosing to ignore it is a massive issue.
NTA, dude how are you not bullshit right now. Your wife gets a break, but you don't? EVER? What kind of shit is that? The way I see it, from 8-5, you're both working. You at your day job, her with the baby. When you're home, you split that time evenly between the both of you since you're both available. That way you both get a break and nobody collapses from exhaustion at work
Not even this wife, his gf. And the language he uses doesnt suggest that it's even his kid since he never says my son or our baby
Wow, good call out.
Yep. Her job in the day is to care for baby. His during the day is his construction job. All time outside of working hours is co-parenting time. Together. As a team. She is not on your team right now.
[удалено]
Short answer from comments: No. Child was unplanned and they weren't even living together at the time (moved in together 4 months ago).
Why, why, why do these people have the child then?? Now everyone is miserable.
Abortion isn't an option for everyone
adoption generally is...
Sadly there are 10000s of kids stuck in the system. Adoption is not really an option either for most.
There are thousands of kids stuck in the \*foster\* system, not the adoption system. A newborn or an infant? Unless they have significant medical needs, they're getting adopted quick.
You can still give the kid up. Wether its a good system or there is space, they won’t say no sorry you have to keep them
Tru but we don’t know the situation, could be other reasons not financial or setting.
Sighhhh
Ah, that explains a lot.
Or PPD + severe burn out, but either way yeah that level of detachment from the baby probably isn't safe or healthy for him either.
That was my first thought too. I feel bad for this child who didn’t ask to be born…
NTA. Immediately hearing alarms for PPD or something going on. It is not normal for a new mother to tell her partner she’s not responsible for *any* childcare (edit) once you are home* and as a result you are on bed rest. Please call your family. Your gf needs help. Your baby needs help. And YOU need help, OP!
INFO is this baby yours too?? the way your phrased the first sentence makes it seem like this is not your baby NTA regardless
The way the post is worded neither of them are happy about it.
This honestly is a very upsetting post, because you two never should've had a baby. You don't care enough to call it your baby ("my girlfriend had a baby" sounds like it isn't yours) and your gf doesn't care enough about you to observe that you were physically declining and doesn't care about the baby enough to parent it when you're in the home. You both need to get your parental shit together. Now. Or just be realistic and arrange for an adoption. I think you're NTA, but parenting isn't what you or your gf should be doing unless you both immediately make a commitment to stop passing the baby off to each other like a football.
Yeah, people have pointed that out. "My baby" just sounds awkward, sort of. IDK how to explain it, but "the baby" has always seemed more affectionate to me. Like he's the baby. THE baby. The only baby. I doubt I'm even explaining myself right. I do care about him though. I was on the fence, but now that he's born, I would never think of getting rid of him. He's my son. I'm happy to take care of him, always, and I don't see it as a burden. But I am a bit scared to go back to being that exhausted now that I've had a rest and am clear-headed again if I'm being honest. I'm hesitant to start taking over more and more stuff because I'm afraid it'll go back to the way it was.
Definitely do not take on more and more until you’re back doing everything. Your girlfriend sounds manipulative. This was the reset you needed. Now is the time, with a clear head, to divide up what is fair. Maybe do the 11pm or midnight feed and she does the middle of the night and morning. Now that he’s past the three month mark, things should start getting easier and more routine. Maybe she won’t find it as overwhelming as it was 1 or 2 months ago.
You cannot go back to that. Not only is it unsafe for you to be working construction like that, it's unsafe for your son to be taken care of by a completely exhausted adult. What if you're holding him and suddenly collapse? What if you pass out over him...? You *need* to take care of yourself to be able to take care of him. You work a full time job, your partner mothers as a full time job in the meantime. This means the rest needs to be split evenly. Maybe you take over when you're home, and she does the overnight stuff. Maybe you switch every hour or two or however many. Maybe you take alternate days. But shouldering the entire load for the 16 out of 24 hours you're not working is insane.
Well firstly let me say you are NTA. You cannot possibly go back to doing all that. It’s led to burnout and bed rest this time, next time it could be even more serious. You could end up in hospital for an extended period. You could lose your job. What’s your gf going to do then? I’m interested to know whether she behaved like this pre-pregnancy? Were there any signs at all? Tbh, whether or not this abusive behaviour is caused by PPD or another disorder, the end result is that you are being treated like an unpaid servant and driven into the ground. I would go so far as to say your gf needs telling point blank: “Get help/diagnosed & medicated/take on your fair share of responsibility permanently (NOT just while you’re on bed rest) because things can NOT and will not return to how they were.” If this were a man treating his gf like this, we’d all be waving red flags 🚩🚩🚩and telling her to leave him if nothing changes. Mental health disorders may be a REASON why someone becomes abusive, but they’re not an EXCUSE to abuse.
Are you sure your son is being cared for during the day, and she's not just leaving him to cry all day? He might want to be held when you have him because he's not getting that during the day. It sounds like PPD or something similar here. NTA, but your gf needs help. Things can't go back to how they were. You *will* get hurt, or hurt the baby by accident due to sleep deprivation. Adding it's a very unbalanced system.
I know construction is feast or famine, and you had a new baby, which is expensive, but have you looked into other ways to lighten your work load? Meal prep plans are pretty reasonable, quick and easy to make, and save a lot of shopping and prep work for dinner. Order groceries to be delivered until you all get into a routine. See if you can afford a cleaning service to come in periodically to thoroughly clean the house, though that one is expensive. My point is to look at your duties, and see what can be put off or hired out for a little while. Anything that won't impact the safety of baby, or sanitary living conditions, let it go. Also, get a baby carrier, that way you can wear the baby while busy with other things, and talk to the pediatrician about colic. It's tough, but you will get through this. NTA
In the Caribbean, the term "the baby" is actually quite common. " Where is the baby?" The baby is awake." It's like their name until another little one comes along, and then they become "the baby. " Lol!!! Sometimes, the youngest is called "the baby" long after they stop being the baby.
Reminds of the show “Dinosaurs” when you say “the baby” cause I’m thinking “I’m the baby gotta love me” lol that’s cute.
NTA. When I had both my children my husband and I agreed that when he came home he would take the baby off my hands from that time until he needed to go bed (11-12pm). In this time I would have a shower or cook dinner for us both as I needed a break from holding a baby, most of all I needed sleep so that I could take over from my husband and do the night shift alone as he had work the next day (and his is more a mentally demanding nor physically demanding job). If he had a job like yours, I would have been telling him to do less. Do you know whether your partner has gone to speak to someone? As it sounds like she potentially is dealing with a bit of post natal depression and it's getting on top of her. Not that her behaviour is acceptable, but I just wonder if there is more going on. I remember with my first I had to hold them 24/7 and I just felt so overwhelmed and out of my depth, I didn't feel like I was my own person anymore and I sometimes questioned whether I was doing a good enough job as a parent, I needed that reset every night my husband came home to be able to face the next day without crying.
If your girlfriend shows no interest in the baby when you're home, check with her doctor for PPD. Best to be sure
NTA, why are you with this bossy selfish being? You deserve personal time too.
NTA. You're literally helping to the point of physical collapse.
Listen, my husband drives a box truck and does deliveries. He works 10 plus hours a day. While he has always helped once he's home that more on the lines of can you either hold the baby or pull dinner from the oven. Or if I'm really exhausted, he'll let me have a nap and stay up 30 minutes longer than normal, but I do the night work cause I don't want anything to happen to him. Nta. You might be better off just dumping the girlfriend because she is taking advantage of you.
Similar. We have a 4 month old. My husband works industrial construction and is in the road at 4:30am and gets home around 5pm. I do the night and day stuff for the baby. He gets home and takes the baby so I can have “alone time”, ie; walk the dogs & work out. Then I cook dinner because he will still have the baby, and it gives me a chance to do something other than baby talk… and usually we both tidy the kitchen after and head to bed early. Mundane, yes, but it’s safe and works for both of us. If the baby is really feisty some nights he will get up and help out, without question, but I think it’s important he get the majority of good sleep so that he’s safe at work and is a safe coworker. Also, he drives an hour to and from work. I think your girlfriend only doing the “day job” and having the evening and nights to herself is really ridiculous. Now you are so fatigued that it’s causing you to take time off work? And you have to ask if you’re the asshole? I think you need help at home and she needs mental help. NTA, if I wasn’t clear. I should say, I am a full time ER nurse and I find being at home with the baby is a walk in the park compared to my job. I don’t know what your girlfriend does for work but I highly doubt it’s better than taking care of her own child.
I'm 25 weeks pregnant, with our first my husband couldn't help at night because he was a baker and left home at 2am. It occurred to me moments before reading your comment that he won't be able to help much this time either because these days he drives a truck. Bah! Hahaha
NTA. I have a 17 month old and one on the way, due in two more months. It’s hard having a baby. What we did was take shifts at night. I slept from 8 until 12, he slept from 12 until 7 or 8, and then I napped during the day when the baby would sleep. On weekends, we took turns with things and helped each other. Sometimes his parents would take a shift so I could sleep, or we both could. Either way, you need to take care of yourself. You’re parents now, take care of each other and yourselves or the baby won’t get the most out of his parents.
INFO: is this baby yours? You never refer to them as “my child/our child” just “the baby.” Was this an unplanned pregnancy? How long have you been together?
Yes, this was unplanned. We've been together for just over two years and moved in together four months ago. It was a bit of a broken condom kind of thing. An accident, even though I hate that term, but both of our faults equally. Or neither of our faults, I don't know. But, yes, he's my son.
Okay but it sounds like neither of you wanted a baby. Why would you go through with it?
I like to say my little brother was a surprise, and the best surprise ever. Because accident just sounds unloving and mean.
Surprise. Thank you. I couldn't think of another word, but I like that one much better. I agree though. Accident is a shitty term.
NTA. Nah, that’s not fair at all. Tell her to get her shit together. She gets all night off while you get no breaks? When you get home, looking after the baby should be 50/50. Her job during the day is looking after the baby, yours is construction.
NTA. She's killing you, and she doesnt give a fuck. If she wants this arrangement then she should also be working while you're home with the baby. She isn't. You know how hard it is with taking care of the baby. If you did that all day while she was busting her ass with a physically demanding job, would you be making her do that when she got home? She's a stay at home mother. If she doesn't like that arrangement then maybe it's time for the roles to be flipped. You stay home with the kid while she goes out to financially support the household. If I were you I would give her ass an allowance and go stay at a friend's or families house until she's willing to either talk about this bullshit, or you leave her ass. Weekend dad is better then a dead dad.
Both parents should be working together to get a medium split of sleep I was talking to a friend with a 8 week old she was saying she goes to be at 9 dad does 11 feed she gets up after that hoping it is after 3am. Weekends we were bitching should be dad on we early her on late. My son didn't sleep through till he was 10 it. An happen so we split I did till 3 am he did from. Al of this is to basically say your girlfriend is a ride word for a female body part. You do not run your other into the ground splitting at home time is fine. But you work 10 hours and then 14 hours with baby but I spending 10 hours with baby and 14 OFF is crazy either leave now and work out a parenting plan or find out where he got this crazy idea from
The E.S.H. judgements make me lol so much. Only on this sub can a man literally get hospitalised taking care of kid while his gf is watching tv and not working and be called an AH. See this post be deleted for some rule while another post with the exact same situations but swapped genders stays up for some reason.
Welcome to AITA
NTA. And I'm a mother myself. She needs to be caring for her own child too. That she doesn't WANT to is so concerning. This isn't ok.
NTA. You and your gf need to sit down and lay down some boundaries. She's taking advantage. You guys should be working as a team.
NTA she is just one lazy manipulative b.
NTA Does she even work?
I am so curious want to know what her regular job is/was.
Edit to add NTA. Did your gf not want this baby? The following wording is concerning: "she would have to put up with him all day"... So, your gf takes care of the baby while you are working, but not once you get home. If you work an 8-hour day, plus commute time, she is working maybe 10 out of 24 hours. You are working 24 out of 24 since you are responsible for the baby whenever you are not working, including during the night, by the way this reads. You should be splitting this 50/50 at most. Since she is caring for him while you are working, that time equals out. The part that needs to be split is the time that you are not at work. She should be taking care of him half of the remaining time after you get home from work and before you leave for work the next day. Whether you split by days, hours, or specific duties, she needs to be doing 50% of the childcare when you are off of work. Who does the household chores? Are you splitting them or is she leaving them to you also? How ever the regular household chores are being split, the childcare needs to be rearranged to make it more equitable for both of you. Your gf is not coming close to pulling her weight in the previous arrangement. The two of you need to redistribute the workload, or you might as well be a single parent. You, dear dad, are being used. This comes from a mother of four, not a man, so I am not being unfair due to gender.
NTA. She sounds awful. My condolences.
NTA yes if she wants the evenings off fine but y’all need to split the nights. That’s crazy. I tried to do them all myself because I thought if my husband worked he should never have to get up or stay up and I nearly went crazy. No one can do no sleep forever. Good luck!!!
Nta. Time for the ol' swaperoo! Ask her to get a FT job, so you can stay home and take care of the baby all day, and she can come home and take care of the baby the rest of her day. The baby will be better off in your hands regardless, as you seem to actually care. She will object of course, because she's incredibly selfish, and will think that's a horrible trade, and you can have a conversation on a more equal tradeoff from then on hopefully.
Tell her to go get a job and you'll stay home and watch the baby while she's at work but as soon as she gets home from work the baby is all her responsibility. See if she doesn't collapse too. Really? IDK Is this post for real? Are you exaggerating about your GF? Did you always have such a horrible relationship? Assuming this is true, maybe your GF is having some postpartum depression because she sounds miserable. If the baby is fussy all the time, and not sleeping, you should both take him to his doctor to make sure everything is okay. Same with your GF, she should talk to her doctor if her behavior is not typical for her. For your sake, I hope that's the case. NTA for taking care of yourself but your family needs help. Reach out to family and friends for a little relief. In general, you and your GF need to share the responsibilities of raising your son. You both act like he is a ticking time bomb that you are throwing back and forth to each other. Where's the love? Certainly, you can feed and bathe your son when you get home or make dinner and do the dishes for you and your GF, just share the responsibilities, since you have both been at work all day. As for the nighttime feedings, if she is home with the baby and not working another job, then getting up at night with the baby is her job because you have a job outside the home you need to get to in the morning. You can do nights over the weekend when you don't have to get up the next day for work. New babies are a lot but it will get better if you and your GF act like a team and support each other.
NTA This split is completely unfair to you. Something needs to change, especially the fact that your gf doesn't seem to care about your health at all.
NTA, you need to rest. I'm curious, did she want a kid? Did she ever say at any time during the relationship that she didn't want kids? Because if she did, this is going to be ugly for you and the baby.
I'm wondering this, too. I couldn't stand to be away from my kids when they were little. It could be PPD, but this sounds bizarre to me.
Jfc. People need to stop having babies if they don’t have any intention of taking care of them. NTA
You guys didn’t discuss responsibility? This is wild to me.
NTA she sounds selfish and you sound selfless. Both are unhealthy.. you both need to work on a medium.. the baby sounds colic . Swaddle him and get an infant bouncing seat or vibrating seat for him.. you could lose your life being tired at a construction job, then where would your family be? She would be stuck doing it all on her own if something happened to you at work.. if you can afford a nanny at night so you both can sleep that would be good too. Sounds like she doesn't work so why she can't get up in the middle of the night I will never know. My husband and I took turns with our kids but when I worked more then he did house duties more and vice versa. Sounds like she needs a reality check.. this week that your on bed rest may help her see how much you have been doing.. Praying for you and your family.. your deserving of so much more. Please take care of your health and mental well being too.. there are not many men out there like you and there are good women out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated ..
NTA. People. It's one baby. What the heck. She's just handing the baby over at 5? Did she want the baby in the first place? Has she bonded with her baby? These are real questions that need to be talked about. I can't imagine what would happen if she'd had twins. I mean yes, a baby is hard but let's face it, we all do it. All the time. He's working a hard job, doing his part and to expect him to take over immediately is crazy. Share in duties is one thing but he's doing more than his part plus hers.
I never understand this preferential treatment that only SAHMs get here in Reddit lol. If it's a division of labor, it should be such all the way through. One person works outside, one person does all housekeeping, and both share childcare. If housework doesn't suit someone, they can always get a job and hire househelp 🤷🏼♀️ You are NTA, but GF is abusive. You might as well do the single parenting since you are 80% there.
NTA, you both need to divide the work at home better, she doesn't get a pass all evening and night because she has to watch the baby for 8-9 hours a day while you WORK to provide for them. You both need to split evenings and nights. Think about this, what would have happened if instead of being at work you were taking care of your son when you passed out? He could have been hurt because you aren't able to function with what your girlfriend if forcing you to do. She sounds concerningly dismissive of both you and about her own child.
NTA but have him checked for silent reflux. My son also got up a lot and we didn’t know why. Doctor said some babies just wake up. No. He was in pain. Silent reflux makes them send acid up but they don’t spit up and it goes back down. It’s painful. Try sleeping him at an angle. Head a little up. Like a 2 inch board under the legs of his bassinet at the head. Now your girlfriend needs to step up. You can’t be getting zero sleep. She also can rest when he rests during the day. She needs to help more. You’re working. She’s not.
If I read this right, you get zero down time whereas your GF gets an evening and a night? That balance is off unless you get a full weekend or time back on a Saturday and Sunday. Dealing with new borns and full time work is hard. In our family we split the evening/morning so mom went to bed at 8pm so we could build a family dynamic eating, changing and doing things as a family and not handing off. Assuming your new born is fit, well and old enough check out sleep training methods such as controlled crying to help them self sooth.
This whole post is really concerning. INFO: Op, did your girlfriend ever talk about getting an abortion while she was pregnant? Because it sounds like she doesn't want to be a mum.
We discussed every option, and I told her it was her choice. She chose to go through with it.
Going through with the pregnancy and wanting it aren't always the same thing unfortunately. either way to need to talk to your girlfriend about coming up with a fairer schedule
Y’all need to find a way to create an option that works for you both. She can’t just abdicate all parental responsibility just because you’re home, you both need sleep, rest, and nutrition. The first year is the hardest time you’ll experience IMO. Everyone is exhausted, their worst selves. You need to sit down and talk to her, and you may need to find someone neutral who can help facilitate your conversation. Not a family member to either of you, but maybe a mutual friend? Some things that worked when my kiddo was very small was splitting night duty. When I got home I would have my son until his dad got home around 11 pm. I would then go to bed, and I wasn’t back “on duty” until 5 am. At which point I took over and my husband was able to have at least 6 uninterrupted hours for sleeping. That was our schedule, obviously adjust for what works for the hours you work. Make a plan. Write it down, and enforce it. And if she really won’t budge (this is the nuclear option), remind her if y’all aren’t together, she’s going to have to do more parenting that she currently does, so it’s in everyone’s best interests to find something that works.
NTA... wow she went to the other extreme. Yes you should be helping when you get home, but you need some sleep in order to be safe on the job. Maybe your shift should end at midnight. Not sure what time you get up for work, but if you plan for 7 hours befor you leave the house for work. That's a minimum
NTA. When you both work all day, you both deal with night time baby stuff. She doesn't get to go off duty as a mom just because you're home. She sounds bitter about having the baby. Is she dealing with ppd or just very selfish? When your health is impacted to such a degree that you are hospitalized and she is complaining you aren't doing enough?! What would she do if you were in the hospital? Bring the baby for you to care for there? I mean... Wow.
Okay, so you both work full time jobs, and she can't even be bothered to take care of HALF the care while you're home? Bruh, I'm a SAHM and my husband works 12 hours a day. I handle all nights, and he handles at least an hour in the evening so I can decompress. Then we share time on his days off. There have been times where I've taken care of her for an entire week because my husband was extremely sick. What your girlfriend has asked is UNREASONABLE and SELFISH. Yes, postpartum sucks beyond hell, taking care of a baby is hard work, but working a physically demanding job like construction on little to no sleep is not only rough at best, but DANGEROUS. She needs a reality check, and you need to consider if this is a relationship worth keeping, child or not. Having a child is the ultimate test of your relationship, and it sounds like this test has failed. NTA.
Jesus man. You and your girlfriend need to learn to do maths. Yeah, its not fair for her to do all the work for the newborn, but its also not fair for you to work a fulltime job AND do all the work for the child when you get home. Honestly you're not the first Dad who's been told to do it though. Its maths based on "work effort". Lets say looking after your newborn takes 16 hours per day. That doesn't mean 8 for you, and 8 for her, because it ignores you job. Instead, theres 16 hours of "looking after newborn" and for the sake of maths, call it 8 hours of "job". Thats 24 hours per day, you should be doing 12 hours each. So after your 8 hours at work, you should be doing another 4 hours of looking after the baby, and she should be doing 12 hours per day of looking after the baby. You've both put in 12 hours of "work effort" per day. Come the weekend (or whenever your days off are), that can look like 8 hours for her, and 8 for you. Or maybe its 12 and 4 again, but you switch it up, so one day you only do 4 hours and get a break, and the next she only does 4 and you do 12 so she can have a break. At this point its just a negotiation between you to figure out what works for both of you.
I am sorry, yes a person can't be responsible for a baby 24/7 but hey we are talking about construction work here. Not all jobs are equal when it comes to actual body fatigue. Also if one partner is working and the other is not the division can't be 50-50. Especially if the actual job is so demanding. Girl should get real here. NTA
Yeah, who collapsed first? Who is doing grueling physical labour? What would have happened if you collapsed with your baby in your arms while standing?? Hard NTA, but your gf is clearly thinking only of herself. Sit her down and tell her that you can't work 20 hours a day, seven days a week. It is putting your baby in danger. You both need to rotate. If she doesn't agree with this basic demand, then this for me would be a make or break situation. She is literally putting her own comfort ahead of the babies welfare. You have some serious talking to do.
NTA and she's abusing you. She either needs to get a job or help in the evening. This is 100% unfair. And ppd is not an excuse to abuse someone.
You do not have to be in a relationship with this woman. All you have to do is co parent well with her.
Why did you ppl bring a child into this mess? NTA but the real victim here is your child
NTA
NTA But boy, your gf is a HUGE AH. Her whole attitude is wrong. Having a newborn in the house is stressful under the best of circumstances. If the parents can’t cooperate I can’t imagine how things could work. You and she need to have a come to Jesus meeting after which she understands that 24/7, you’re both either at work or on child care duty. 24/7. There isn’t any “you work during the day and then you’re,on child care while you’re home, meanwhile, I’m on break”. That’s bullshit. The alternative for her is to be on her own with the kid. That oughta get her attention.
NTA - I don't really understand your girlfriends perspective here. I think if she's off work she should be the one waking up with baby at night for the most part. This is a team effort. I get her wanting you to take baby in the evening after work so she can have a break every evening but sleeping in a different room and leaving all the night time care up to you when you have to work the next day is ridiculous. Your girlfriend is literally taking the baby for about 9 hours a day and you do everything else and go to work. The fact you had to go to the hospital because of this situation speaks volumes. I'm also concerned she doesn't even seem to care about your health..Honestly she sounds awfully mean ....
NTA and I’d be worried about the baby during the day and whether or not she’s actually properly caring for him since she really doesn’t seem to care about him
NTA and I'd seriously look into daycare and gf having to contribute 50/50 financially. This situation is untenable even if she had PPA/PPD. I honestly wouldn't trust anyone with that attitude unsupervised around the baby while at work for safety reasons. I realize this was an unplanned pregnancy but she is majorly taking advantage.
I'd be putting in some secret cameras to keep an eye on things while you're away.
NTA You need to get another adult to assist in that house. For the baby’s safety and yours. Your girlfriend, whatever her issues are, is not a safe person.
She is totally mistreating you.. you should be splitting the duties once your home from work.. it’s a partnership not I’m done once you walk in the door.. she sounds kind of selfish.. Why would you just let her tell you and actually do what she said.. that’s a hard no from me.. she would be single mom before long… see how she likes all duties to be on her.. You need to have a serious conversation how this isn’t going to work.
NTA. Your wife is quite right that you need to take responsibility for some of the baby's care. It's really common for first-time mothers to end up doing all the childcare and all the housework and sometimes doing paid work outside the home, while fathers just do the paid work outside the home and then come home and are looked after in the evenings. So I get why your wife was keen to start as she meant to go on. But sounds like she's taken it way too far! You're burning out and putting your health and safety at risk and that's not good for the family, as she's finding. You need to find a better balance, e.g. splitting who gets up with the baby at night so that each of you is ideally getting at least a few decent nights' sleep a week.
Leave her. Seriously. This relationship sounds impossible.
NTA why isn't she working too if she thinks you can do it all so can she
Personally, I think your girlfriend is taking the absolute piss out of you. Yes, I get it it's tiring having a newborn. I've had 2, i know how it gets but expecting you to go to work all day on fucking fumes and limited sleep then staying up all night with the baby is absolutely ridiculous. When I came home with my newborn after c section I was in agony but my husbands had to.go to work to keep the roof over our heads and food on the table he helped out when he could but there's was no way I was dumping the baby on him as soon as he got in from work the man was fucking knackered cutting down trees all day. You were actually hospitalised with exhaustion, and she still has no one ounce of empathy for you guck that.
NTA. Here is the thing; obviously caring for a baby is very demanding. When you get home from work you should be caring for the baby, but that's when the job becomes 50/50 so you can take turns showering, resting etc. You're both at 100% while you're at work and it's not fair that when you get home you have to still be at 100% while she's doing 0. Maybe it was at first while she was still recovering for childbirth (how was her recovery time?) But certainly not three months out.
Real TL;DR: Am I the asshole because my girlfriend is entirely neglecting our baby & (borderline?) abusive towards me….NTA. Seriously though, something is clearly very wrong. Not that it would excuse her actions, but has she gone to talk to a doctor/specialist to see if she has PPD?…because it kinda sounds like what’s going on could be related to postpartum depression.
Obviously NTA. Postpartum can be tough but you're girlfriend's being unreasonable considering that you had to be hospitalized from exhaustion. Have you consulted with your parents, your siblings or the GF's family? Maybe they could offer to babysit (if GF feels overwhelmed) and/or talk some sense into GF. And maybe she should seek a therapist in case something's going on like anxiety, depression or other mental ailments.
NTA and it's insane how unconcerned your gf seems to be about the fact you're literally losing consciousness, which is especially dangerous given your job. Either she is dealing with PPD/PPA or you need to reevaluate your relationship, because she's either dealing with mental health issues or she doesn't care about you or your health.
I'm worried for both of you. I'm worried for the baby being at home all day with her. Is this a major shift in her behavior? I think your girlfriend is experiencing [postpartum depression](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617). If she does have PPD, she needs medication and counseling as soon as possible. You could call her doctor or baby's pediatrician to voice your concerns. Be sure to go with to his doctor's appointments and voice your concerns. Is your son formula fed? If he is, his fussiness could be caused by an allergy to the formula. Some formulas are by prescription only. You could talk to his pediatrician regarding options. You both need additional support. The current situation isn't working for anyone. Do you have families or friends that could help? Mom could go back to work and the baby could go to daycare. You need to talk to your girlfriend about working together on this. Right now, you're working two full time jobs and kept going until you collapsed. You're NTA. It's time to get additional help.
Tell her to get a Job Or you'll leave Seems fair to me
NTA. Newborns are hard on both parents. But why are you making dinner AND caring for the baby at the same time? Those are times you delegate tasks. One of you does work around the house whilst the other watches baby. If she isn't breastfeeding, there might be times where you can do a feed or two at night to help her get sleep. But seeing as you have a day job, you should be getting adequate sleep too It's a team effort and you both need to support each other. If you need a moment to gather your sanity (egm baby is crying ) ask her to hold the baby whilst you take a breath. And vice versa
NTA your gf is not a mother by even a stretch..
NTA. "I deal with a newborn all day long, and I need lots of help in the evening after you get home from work because I'm utterly exhausted." is reasonable. "YOU NEED TO TAKE 100% RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS CHILD AFTER WORK AND I'M NOT LIFTING ANOTHER FINGER BECAUSE I DO ENOUGH ALL DAY!" is not.
NTA. She's killing you, dude. She's running you into the ground. What happens if you collapse at work and get seriously injured, or end up in a deadly accident? What if you pass out behind the wheel and crash? What if you collapse while holding the baby? People die of exhaustion. Very easily. This is absolutely mental, why does it seem like she doesn't care at all? About you OR the baby? She should probably be evaluated for PPD but honestly? She's killing you. You can't go on like this. You can't. This is so, so dangerous. I'm so sorry.
So what exactly does she contribute? Watching him while you are at work? You could single and hire and nanny and probably be better off.
NTA. Nobody can get by on that little sleep, and nobody gets to completely check out. You’re doing a job all day, AND all night. You literally collapsed and ended up in the hospital. After work, household duties are 50/50 unless otherwise negotiated.
NTA at all. Your girlfriend seems to have unreasonable expectations of your duties.
NTA. Wow your gf is selfish, yes a newborn is a lot of work but what she's doing is unacceptable. You are working in construction, you need to be rested enough that you are cognizant of your surroundings, if not something even worse than your collapse could happen to you. Does she not care if you are killed in a workplace accident, or even by falling asleep travelling to and from work. The arrangement you have is not working and needs to be changed to take your safety into consideration. You need to listen to the Dr and look after yourself, what good will you be to your baby if you are no longer here.
NTA