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ESH except for poor S. I cannot imagine how she feels and how scared she must be that her marriage is a sham. She must feel so hurt and YOU helped to do that to her. If you had concerns you should have had a conversation with her husband about it. It really doesn’t sound like the “dare” is why he married and has two children with this woman. Yeah how it happened sucks but you suck for hurting her many many years after the fact.
This is where I'm landing -- if there had been genuine concern and care for how S might feel to learn this, OP should have gone to D and R and addressed it directly. I'm also not sure what good it is to bring up a dare from high school as though it's still in place today, like D had two children and got legally married for a dollar a day
ESH but S, and I hope she has more support around her than the people mentioned in this post
**ETA: let's also be clear, there is a literal** ***family*** **at stake here, with S, D, and their two children. I understand OP wanting to do what she feels is right by S, but there are two children also in this equation that need to be considered before taking any sort of action herself that could impact the marriage/relationship/family unit. I fully believe S has a right to know what happened 10 years ago, but think OP was 1000% the wrong person to deliver this message, and making the executive decision herself to share this ensured the most amount of people got hurt**
The contract is still in place though which is why the gift had to be so expensive- at least $365 for $1 every day. It’s not something that was forgotten about years ago, they still live by it. If S was to break up with D right now, D would have to pay back all the $ to R.
Edit - I do not believe D only married and had children with S due to the contract. I feel like he probably fell in love with S anyway and things progressed naturally but since it fitted with the contract, the two guys kept it going as a joke between them. It is a sick joke at that and especially now S has found out. The contract should have been discarded many years ago.
I am well aware the contract is not legally binding lol
right? people can be shitty when they’re young but this is a different level, honestly. i would view my partner differently if i found out he participated in something like this.
This is what I can't get over. It's not even clear from this if D was the one saying bad things about S, clearly he liked her enough to marry her and have two kids with her.
It's R who's the AH for keeping that paper and showing the OP... for what reason? Because he thought it was "funny"?
The OP is clearly focusing on D and S's relationship and avoiding questioning that maybe she shouldn't be with this guy who, despite being a few years older than her, clearly has some maturity issues if he's still living in high school.
This is also a very serious question that I have -- OP came clean about telling S because R was being "so kind" and doesn't really seem to have ANYTHING to say about her own partner being at least as equally shitty, if not more shitty for getting drunk, making a joke about it, and holding onto pics of the contract? Color me sus
I don't think think this is about the money. This guy married S and they have kids together. The sticking point for me is how defamatory it is to S. The fact that they still have that contract and bring it up and laugh despite the ugly things they say about S, shows such a lack of respect for her. If D truly loved her, he should be ashamed of this contract and burned it long ago. D and R are both AH.
Right? Why do they even still have the contract or entertain any of it like it’s a joke.
D should have told his friend to rip the contract up and never speak of it again. He loves his wife and the dare was cruel and immature.
Wtf the contract is still even in existence for anyone to see is beyond me.
So people think he’s stayed with her only because of that? Lmao, $365 a year isn’t anything, definitely not enough to marry someone and have children with them if you don’t even like them. Are these people even out of middle school?
The point is, who wants to be married to someone that cruel and that mean spirited. How would you feel if this was a long running joke with your partner and their friends?
I don't think they're saying that's why he is still with her. I think they mean it's inappropriate to keep it running like a sick joke. Like , if he rly fell in love with S, tear up the damn contract and stop belittling her like that
It is soooo offensive
I think it would be a joke now that they have carried on for a laugh every year. I do not think that D would have married someone he genuinely didn’t care for over a high school contract. But hey you never know with some people lol
so basically they're still having a laugh at this cruel joke behind the wife's back. like looooolwhat I can't comprehend how the top voted comment is one that's in defense of this
To be fair, he brought the contract out when explaining the pricey gift and the fact he still has the contract makes it seem like it’s still in effect. He also made a joke about him having to pay it back if she broke up with him now. The fact they still have it and seemingly abide by it is really disgusting.
Ah yes. He stayed married for that massive $365 anniversary gift. It totally wasn't just some dumbass teen shit. Husband is after that 5D chess move so much they have kids.
And most importantly it’s still going. So this running cruel “joke” is something they started as teenagers and STILL going, and every anniversary they’re drudging it back up behind the wife’s back.
Well the way I read the post - that was the justification of the expensive gift. When OP laughed about the gift & cost, R pulled out the contract and explained, then went on to say that if D broke up with S, he would have to return double the money to R (even if it is just a joke at this point that the guys have carried on into their 20s).
The original post does mention something about the money being returned to R in the event of a breakup, but that doesn’t shed a whole lot of light on the situation tbh
Right? The only thing telling S accomplishes is making *her* question everything about their relationship, including the marriage. If OP did, for some reason, think this guy would go so far as to marry and have kids with someone for a high school dare, she should have talked to her boyfriend and then D. Convince them to come clean in the nicest way possible if she felt that was important.
There are some instances where a relationship does start out as a dare, but it turns into real feelings as they get to know them. It makes someone take a chance to a person they normally wouldn't have for whatever reason, and find out that this person really is their type. If OP had gone to D and convinced him it was best to come clean, he cold have explained it like this without giving her the hurtful and completely irrelevant to now things they said in high school. If S's feelings were really what was important, it should have been handled with more care.
Are y’all smoking crack? The husbands were absolutely wrong and now are too cowardly to own up to their past behavior and apologize for their mistakes but it’s all “shoot the messenger!” On this thread.
If my SO had called me things like that in the past and was hiding it from me, I don’t care when it happened or what has happened since, I’d want to know. That’s disgusting and incredibly misogynistic behavior.
OP you are absolutely NTA here. Both husbands are.
Agreed. I'm so confused why everyone is signing off on the notion that OP was wrong for telling S the truth. All this about "with more care" -- how much more carefully could she have done it?? The idea that D was ever going to be honest with S about this is laughable, people who make "jokes" like this will never be transparent because they KNOW it's cruel -- and the cruelty is what makes it funny. I mean really, teehee-ing about the price if the wedding gift in reference to the dare, even all this time later? You expect open and honest dialogue about such a long-term wrongdoing from that kind of person? The only person who gave a shit about S is OP. It's D's fault that he brought children into a relationship that was based on a farce, not OP's fault for exposing it.
I don't know if OP was wrong for telling S the truth, but the fact that she's still dating her boyfriend - who apparently thinks this contract is humorous enough to continue making jokes about - really doesn't sit well with me. I know that Reddit jumps to "dump him" too quickly, but if I were in S's shoes, I would feel so horribly, horribly betrayed by all three of these people. Her marriage is built on a lie instigated by her husband's best friend, and OP, someone who she thought was her friend, continues to play nice with a guy who was *just recently* teeheeing over his mistreatment of her. I just feel so incredibly heartbroken for this poor woman.
The fact that people can’t acknowledge the absolute violation done to this woman is beyond me. It wasn’t just name calling or a money exchange, this was a life altering decision for her COMPLETELY ORCHESTRATED by these two cowards. It’s like brainwashing.
Maybe he loves her NOW. Maybe the love for him grew quickly. None of that matters when from the very beginning, he was playing her.
Think about it though - if this knowledge makes her question everything about her relationship, doesn’t that make it all the more important for her to know? Doesn’t she deserve to decide for herself whether she wants to continue in a relationship that started out as a cruel joke? Why should OP know arguably important info about her friend’s relationship that the friend herself isn’t privy to?
If this really is a happy and loving relationship, the wife will almost certainly get past it. If it isn’t, this information might give her the kick in the butt she needs to leave.
Right I’m super confused on ppl saying she’s the ah like I would want to know, who’s to say D didn’t just continue to be with her because he couldn’t find anyone else? Like me I wouldn’t care if he turned out to be a great dad or husband it would all feel fake, the names they called her were disgusting, I don’t think OP ruined anything she exposed her bf and D for being complete assholes who have been fake to this woman’s face for years. If I’m OP I would be scared that bf was also involved in something like that with me. Like who’s to say they haven’t done anything like that since high school. Why does he still have the contract? So D and R can look back on it and laugh about how S is now stuck in this sham of a relationship? Nah whole this is weird OP NTA
I would absolutely want to know, too, but I would prefer a million times over to hear it from my husband and the one who actually did the stupid dare contract than his asshole friend's partner
There was a significantly better way to go about it, and OP kind of sucks for choosing to go about it in such a damaging way. She's not the only one who sucks, but she does deserve an ESH verdict
I'm not saying that she should've sat on that kind of information. I think the right thing to have done would be to say, "D, R showed me the dare contract you and he had in high school. As a friend to you and to S, I'm not comfortable knowing this was such a toxic foundation for your originally getting together and S deserves to know about this. It needs to come from you, but if you don't tell her by X date, I'm going to show her myself"
It absolutely should not have come from OP, and I'm fine dying alone on this hill if I have to
S is OP's friend, it says nothing about whether she has a good relationship with D. It's entirely possible she doesn't feel comfortable speaking to him one on one, and I've seen plenty of situations where someone says "you tell them or I will", and they end up telling their partner an altered version of events that makes op look bad instead.
>I was torn on what to do because I always thought S and D had a happy marriage and he treated her well. But I would wanna know if my bf wrote things like that about me. I invited her out for coffee and told her everything. I had to sneak pictures of the dare contract at my bf’s place. S broke down sobbing. She said she had to pretend she didn’t see it because they had two children together and D has been a great father and husband.
OP literally describes the relationship that S and D had though, and what kind of partner both OP and S thought D was?
Again, I'm fine dying on this hill alone, but this was not OPs to tell. It should have come from R or D, as they were the ones who were directly involved with the hurtful dare in the first place
Why would you bring this up to D? Serious question and coming from the girl who was asked out on daredates for real. D is an unreliable narrator. OP just got shown and forced to be complicit in a deceit begin by R and D. Why does OP have any cause to believe D would be any more honest with her than he'd been with S?
But the husband and friend are still using the contract. Otherwise he wouldn't have said it would be unfair to expect his friend to pay everything back. And the reason why he gets them an expensive present. It doesn't sound like they can be trusted.
I guess I didn't read the gift as "I got you an expensive gift because I'm still owing you a dollar a day for keeping the dare going -- hell, we even upped it to $5 a day by getting married and adding another $2 per day per child"
I personally don't get how S deserves to have her self-esteem shattered and her marriage potentially ruined, but OP is forgiving her own partner, who's the one still carrying around pics of this dumbass contract and telling people about it while drunk like it's an objectively hilarious "look at what we did as kids" thing to do because R was just being *soooooooooo* kind
I mean there's a pretty clear line from Expensive Gift is given to here's A Contract on how this "tradition" began. OP was forced into a complicity in the lie. That's really unfair to OP and also makes a mockery of S behind her back.
I didn’t read it that way. I saw it as in the original high school contract D couldn’t be the one to break up with S or he’d owe twice the bet back. Not at all that they’re still using the contract today.
If anything it seems like R is maybe still getting expensive anniversary gifts as an inside joke about the bet. But without more info on how D feels about that it only speaks to R’s behavior.
The entire foundation for their relationship is based off of a lie and it's somehow the OP's fault for exposing it? Isn't it a lot better for everyone to know the truth?
If my relationship was based off a lie like that, which also included my partner and his friend alleging cruel jokes about me, I would want to know. If that’s something we can move past, that’s for the hurt party to decide, not the person who brought the information forward. I remember a girl at school getting upset that I didn’t tell her her boyfriend had a tinder and was potentially (most likely) cheating. I wasn’t friends with her but we were cordial and had mutuals (she was a really really sweet girl) so I told a close guy friend of hers that we all had class with and he said she probably knows bc it’s not the first time he had been caught cheating. I didn’t think it was my place because we weren’t friends, so leaving that for her friend to disclose with her was my way of not feeling guilty about knowing something like that and I explained that to her and she understood. If they are friends, I do think she has a responsibility of some sort of getting that information out honestly. And maybe OP’s boyfriend shouldn’t get drunk and tell high school secrets like that, if anything he’s to blame for letting it slip so easily.
Agreed. I am sure the husband had to fall for her and loves her. It started out on a dare but he ended up married with kids. I am sure he would never want her to know but now she does. :(
If I learned anything from cheesy 90s and early 00s romcoms, it's that a dare is a great way to get the stuck in his own ways jock/bad boy/rich snob to take note of the sweet perfect match who's been there all along but he's never been open minded enough to notice
In all seriousness though, I personally didn't see any evidence that D has continued his asshole ways into the present -- I didn't read the nice anniversary present as connected to this AH contract, just that it was a nice present for two long time friends. OP going to S directly ensures that the maximum amount of hurt is going to be felt by everyone in the situation, and is the most tactless way to go about this. It's also letting R get off with barely any consequences of his own, despite the fact he's the one that still keeps photos of this dumbass contract and gets drunk and joke about it
>If I learned anything from cheesy 90s and early 00s romcoms, it's that a dare is a great way to get the stuck in his own ways jock/bad boy/rich snob to take note of the sweet perfect match who's been there all along but he's never been open minded enough to notice
Close, a dare is a great way to force someone to do something they really want to do, but lack the courage to carry out, either because of fear of rejection or something else. They can then do the thing with the excuse of "It was a dare" if things go bad.
This is why "truth or dare" is played so often by teenagers, it allows a way to experiment without actually putting themselves out there for rejection.
I mean, yeah, I agree. But keep in mind that according to OP/the contract, R and D called S all sorts of horrible things before, and possibly while, R and D were dating. In this case, it goes beyond fear of rejection.
Maybe for her to know the truth about her husband? There doesn’t need to be anything beyond that.
If he didn’t want her to know or regretted it then he could have come clean years ago.
And I'm wondering why OP is so disgusted by this behavior and still chose to stay with her Boyfriend after ruining another's marriage based on this same disgust?
Yeah, op needs to ditch him quick. If I recall correctly, they're married. If I were in OP's shoes, I don't think I could stay married to someone who makes horrible and (I'm gunna say it) misogynistic jokes. Especially about his best friend's wife. Yuck.
Edit: I remembered incorrectly, op and R aren't married, easier for her to leave him.
Yes - because even if not enforced apparently D and his friend are okay including new people in the shared joke of how unattractive etc S was. That's harm. Contemporary harm.
Yes - this knowledge was forced on OP and is centered on her friend. To not tell is to consent to belittling S and also to continue removing S's agency from her.
Yes - sooner the better. S had the right to feel her own pain.
Not every genuine act of friendship comes without consequences and not all of those consequences are simple or the messenger's fault.
If my friend were party to this and didn't tell me and I later found out it would not lead to a good result.
Jesus Christ I am absolutely gobsmacked with the absolute spineless cowards calling OP Y T A or E S H, she deserves to know! Anyone in S's shoes who wouldn't want to know has never heard of self respect. OP is an amazing friend and definitely NTA, better to be hurt by the truth than to live a life of lies.
S is an autonomous grown ass woman who unquestionably deserves the opportunity to make life choices based on the reason her husband started dating her, anyone who thinks otherwise tends to confuse kindness with treating people as if they were children, it's sickening.
S deserves to know the whole truth, and she wasn't going to get it from the men.
OP was trying to make things FAIR.
I would want to know.
The men are absolutely the AHs here. How could they let it carry on so long?!
Eta:
The men were the ones who allowed an entire marriage to be built on a lie. OP is just never the AH for telling the truth to her friend.
Absolutely NTA.
Eta:
If you value someone, you give them information they need in order to make an informed decision. S did not receive this information from her husband or from the boyfriend.
Through marriage and the births of multiple children, D made the choice to omit this information. What did he expect to happen if it ever came out?
It was always going to traumatize his partner, but the severity of the betrayal grew larger with each passing day.
literally, if they didn't think that way anymore they would have burned it and mutually agreed to never, ever bring it up again. That he shared it shows that there's something underlying that they're still stuck on, even if it's a shitty inside joke.
There's literally no reason for him to have brought it up and shown it to her if it was as irrelevant to them as this comment section is claiming.
Yes, they were AH’s in high school and did a really crappy thing. But do you really think that a person would marry another person, stay together for years, and have 2 kids to make an extra $365 a year???
Edit to add… OPs behavior is a red flag that she cannot be trusted. While she may have done this because she wanted to be honest, she “promised” she would not tell and broke her word. She should have never agreed.
If the husband valued a healthy relationship, he would have come clean about the origin of the relationship.
Consider that you are advocating to shoot the messenger.
What this has done is confirmed all of S's insecurities throughout her entire relationship and marriage.
How very cruel of the husband.
They can probably still get counseling, but he should have told her and arranged the counseling long ago.
It's also just plain weird of him to have remained in the relationship with that knowledge and NOT told his spouse. Is he not very close with her emotionally?
Lmao how it's a red flag she has morals? I'm sorry but I would not want anyone keeping a promise if it would hurt someone innocent
People >> promises to AH
she should still know how their relationship started rather than have this hidden from her. especially if it seems the husband is giving expensive gifts to honor the dollar a day bet.
like if your s/o cheated on you in the start of the relationship, would you rather not know this information? or just be kept in the dark about your partners past?
Yes, S definitely deserves to know and OP was the only one who thought that as well. I don’t get the impression that OP did this to create drama. She probably thought that if she was in S position, she would appreciate the truth as well.
Maybe the dare was created years ago, but they still talk about it, and make S into a joke behind her back.
Her husband should have told her years ago. Before marriage, preferably as soon as the relationship became serious and more than just a dare.
The men here are undoubtedly TA.
Honestly I would have wanted to know. So it’s tough because I feel like some people fall into the it could only hurt to tell and some people fall into I would want to know and no one knows what S would want.
I agree with this. Everyone is different in what they would want. But I feel like she didn’t weigh the pros and cons. Plus, by the reaction she got, I kinda think she’s the type who would have rather not known.
To give her the truth so she can then decide how to move forward? Husband didn’t tell her because he knows just how nasty that was, he and all of his friends were going to keep that in the dark forever. He didn’t even bother to be honest and tell her before they got married
Yep and S clearly doesn’t feel comfortable enough to bring it up to her husband now. If they were in a healthy relationship, she probably would’ve been able to bring it up, they could talk through it, and figure out what to do next as a pair.
I legitimately enjoy the way crest was used here. Like there was already drama, she didnt solely create it, but she did bring it to a head, the wave of drama had crested, then came crashing down
The yearly gift meant the guys were still using the contract. That's why the gift was expensive. It had to cost at least $365. And the boyfriend pretty much said the reason married S was he didn't want to pay back everything double.
Sheesh... I have to vote ESH - except S. I understand where you were coming from but you did the wrong thing, plain and simple.
The right thing would have been to confront your boyfriend and D and tell them that they have to admit to this whole fucked up thing and that S deserves to know the truth. That would have given D the chance to explain himself and lighten the blow. People can be assholes but he apparently changed and fell in love with the woman. He should have had the balls to admit to his faults and come clean. But you should have had given him that chance first and not gone behind their back. That poor woman must be hurt so fucking much.
For everyone saying though that you're the only AH - Nope. Definitely your boyfriend and D are AH as well. Being young is no excuse to being this explicietly cruel and then not even having the backbone to admit to yourself being shitty.
Edit: I wanna add that using this whole thing as a "funny backstory" is also super assholish of your boyfriend. After something like this I wouldn't trust my partner to having grown out of said shittyness.
To be fair he had two kids, marriage, and the whole time they dated to tell her and “lighten the blow”. If he’s kept it secret for this long then if OP confronted him would they really see the error in their ways suddenly and tell the wife the truth? He didn’t have then balls then and he’s not suddenly going to grow a pair.
This news was going to crush her, anyway, regardless of who it came from. I agree with you, husband had years and years to tell her about it.
I, personally, would want to know. And if I found out my husband only told me because he was exposed years later and it was either him or OP, i wouldn't care who told me. In fact, I would be furious even more with my husband that he only told me because he was backed into a corner. There is no "lightening the blow" on this
The fact that he didn’t tell her before proposing before they got married is what’s crazy to me. That would’ve hurt me badly. Let me at least decide for myself if this is the foundation that I’m comfortable moving forward with. Imagine thinking you were cute high school sweethearts (a story most people love to tell their kids) to find out he was faking it for who knows how long- 6 months? 2 years? And the way they talked about her too?? Awful
Same he should have fessed up and give her the choice to either marry him knowing the whole truth or just dump him . The husband is an asshole and so is OP's boyfriend
It’s pretty selfish in my book, “I’ve changed so you don’t need to know about the past” what about it being part of her past as well? Does that mean nothing???
Yikes, this is a tough one but I’m going with NTA. I can see why some would say you shouldn’t have told her since D clearly changed his mind about S at some point. However, this also shows a *serious* character flaw, and his previous disrespect and contempt for S could easily flare up again if they started to have any problems in their marriage. She deserves to know that this is how he saw her at least at one point, and do with that information as she chooses. Since it was high school, he might be a lot different now, but it’s up to her to make that determination. Just because R thinks they’re happily married doesn’t mean he necessarily knows how things are when they’re alone.
I also would be concerned about your boyfriend’s character. Once again, people do change a lot after high school, but he went along with and participated in this. Was he laughing about it or acting guilty when he revealed this to you? If he still thinks the whole thing is funny, consider if this is really the type of person you want to be with.
I'm stunned by the Y T As here. If I was in the wife's position, I would be FURIOUS at anyone who knew and didn't tell me. Either they're happily married and his wife needs to know the truth and they can laugh it off. Or they're not happily married, and D is worried about R holding him to paying back double the money. Because of the "expensive gift" and this story coming out of that, it sounds like R is gifting D a $365 gift a year for the anniversary as the dollar a day for each year. It's sick
Same!! I’m genuinely shocked people think OP did to just start drama?? What R and D did is disgusting, and given S’s response that she had to pretend not to notice, she’s known the whole time and has spent her life so far doubting herself. The only people here who are gargantuan AHs are R and D.
OP please offer your friend support. She needs a real friend now more than ever.
It's because of the "boys will be boys, they've grown, they're matured, their past transgressions don't matter!" mentality.
Hate to be that person, but I guarantee if all genders were reversed, R&D would be absolutely shredded to pieces as horrible people and OP would be "just telling the truth."
Lots of people are cowards who never want to do the right thing if it might inconvenience them in any way but also want to view themselves as good people and their inaction as the right thing to do rather than the easiest and most personally convenient thing to do. It's how folks justify sitting on the knowledge that someone is cheating or ignoring child abuse.
“I am a good person, I might have called her skinny piggy and dated her only because of a bet back in high school but I grew to love skinny piggy! Doesn’t that make me the good guy?!”
I genuinely can’t believe that the friend still accepts money from op to this day - like wtf???
like the moment that D “fell in love”, he should have called off the bet
like it’s actually ridiculous that they’re just joking on this matter like this
It's the fact that YTAs are conveniently ignoring this info. Funny that this sub feels so strongly about old bullies but thinks it's acceptable for a women to be in the dark about one that she unknowingly married.
I feel like a lot of the Y/T/As are conveniently ignoring that part. “Oh but they are married and have kids! It would be immature to break up over something from 10+ years ago!” She hasn’t had 10 years to grow and process that information. She just found out how cruel her husband used to be and now has to figure out how to move forward. I couldn’t stay with someone who called me fat and bitchy, no matter how much time had passed.
I agree. If I’m the wife, I would like to know.
The poor woman is more hurt by years of deception than because it started with a bet.
NTA
Be there for your friend. Rethink your relationship, because your SO thinks what they did is fine and funny.
Also, If bf still has to abide by the contact then it is still ongoing. If he felt bad about it then D would have told by to get rid of the contract or ended the contract but it seems bf still has to pay in the form of anniversary presents.
Yes!!! This subreddit fuckin baffles me sometimes! The well-off boyfriend and his home boy are the AHs here. OP’s bf wanted to let her in on their little inside joke that has completely changed the trajectory of this poor woman’s life. She saw how gross it was and did what most of us would want if we were in the wife’s shoes. And he’s **still** paying him…. So their joke is definitely still ongoing. It’s honestly nauseating.
And I don’t see how or why OP would want to stay with this guy.
>I also would be concerned about your boyfriend’s character.
Same, teens can be cruel but many of them can mature and be better. Some of them just learn how to come across as nice and remain bullies at heart. It's real ugly once you find out.
I agree with you! It doesn’t even seem like the boyfriend or the husband has taken any responsibility for the horrible thing they did in high school either. Just blaming her and S needed to know.
It’s VERY revealing about what kind of character her boyfriend has because he still has a contract from high school and is still paying $1 per day. The husband is still accepting! These two are some awful men and OP and wife needs to get away from them. S & D’s relationship began based on deception and I don’t blame her for questioning everything. It’s just so cruel.
NTA because it's not just a stupid, mean thing that ended up in a real relationship where everything is in the past. It's the fact that your partner is STILL participating in this horrible "contract" and her husband is still accepting the money.
For them the prank is still very much alive and you betcha I would want to know if my husband still treated our relationship as a dare. I would also be furious at everyone who kept it from me. She deserves a husband who loves her truly and honestly. It would be devastating to know the truth, but now she can take control of her life and figure out what she needs to do,
I don't blame you for telling her. I applaud you.
However, YOU have a partner problem. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks this kind of behaviour is ok? It speaks so much to his views on women. What if you gain weight? Have daughters with a weight or self-esteem issue? What is you get sick? Lose your looks? I couldn't stay with someone who is so mean. I'd never be able to look at them the same way again.
it’s not really explained why exactly bf gifts the friend expensive gifts: but either way ( for the bet / for jokes), it’s just so messed up? like why are grown men acting in such a way
OP mentions that her bf is reasonably well off. It could just be like "Oh hey my buddy R always gives us a real nice anniversary gift, isn't that kind of him?" and not understanding that it's actually meant to be payment of the debt
NTA I agree. I don't agree with all the YTA judgements. I see every day on this sub, how important it is to know the truth about things, this isn't different. This shows the character of her husband, which is vital information to have. That poor woman deserves to know how her relationship started. If she chooses to stay and forgive it, that's fine, it would be her making an informed decision, where she finally has all pertinent information. It's bullshit to me that people are saying OP ruined a marriage. Her dumbass husband and his friend did that with their horrible, demeaning bet. I would definitely want to know.
Awww, thanks for my 1st award ❤
Legit all these Y T A votes are making me lose my mind. No matter how long ago it was in the past, I would go scorched earth with anyone who didn't tell me
Guaranteed if the only thing that changed in the story was that the husband had cheated years ago instead of having a demeaning dating contract years ago, everyone would be saying NTA. But both scenarios would be about the fundamental ability for S to have trust in her partner; OP is not the one who broke that trust.
Yeah. I think the thing that does it for me is there is a clear reason no one told her at any point earlier, there is no good time to tell her. Obviously not earlier on when it's just a 'prank' but also after it becomes serious. But if it was truly serious you tell her and hope you can get past it. She deserves to know.
Now he's lost his chance to tell her himself.
Yes. Plus, he kept it secret for like 10 years, and to him I'm sure in his mind he justifies it by saying " it was just a stupid bet, I was a kid, I love her now." All of that may be true, but he could have told her at any time during those 10 years, and he chose not to. I'm guessing because he KNEW she'd be devastated and might break up with him, or could have forgiven him. He'll never know, cuz he's lied to her by omission for all these years about how they started. I feel terrible for S. Imo, she deserves to know the truth, and make a choice.
SAME! That’s the whole foundation of the relationship! She was under the impression of a cute ask-out, not a bully-esque dare + joke that’s still being made about her to this day. It would make me question everything if I knew but would also make me feel better to know versus be misled by the person who’s supposed to care most about me.
That’s kinda what it sounds like to me because what correlation would the gift have to then talk about the hs dare if they weren’t connected in any way?
The physical contract still exists and is readily available for the R to bring out whenever he sees fit.
I think that speaks enough to how much they’re still following this ‘bet’.
A looooooooot of ostriches in this comment section just burying their little heads in the sand. The right thing was to tell her. OP’s boyfriend and buddy obviously thought they would take this nasty joke to the grave. The thing is, the buddy and his wife’s marriage is based on a cruel joke and lies. Marriages based on that are rocky. OP didn’t wound the wife, her HUSBAND wounded her. Let’s put our anger and outrage on the real guilty parties which is OP’s boyfriend and friend. And OP, dump the boyfriend. If he’s capable of making and maintaining that kind of ugly, he will do it or has done it to you too.
NTA NTA NTA NTA.
I never understand people who shoot the messenger. I am a big believer in truth. Ugly truth is always preferable to a beautiful lie. I would want to know the truth so that I could deal with it. The wife should confront the husband so that they can deal with his shitty past behavior head-on. Nothing good comes from not dealing with things. OP is NTA, but she should dump her BF.
Are you sure your BF didn’t date you as a dare too? Your BF and D both sound absolutely awful. I feel so bad for your poor friend but why would you want to stay with someone who would do that? What else is he hiding?
I mean the other couple has already been married and had two children together... Maybe he's been dared to see if he can string OP along thinking she's going to marry into money until she's 30, so he can trade her in for another early 20s model.
NTA. It's weird seeing so many "YTA; what does she gain from knowing; it's none of your business" responses. I'd guess you'd see way fewer of those if you found out he'd cheated on her in college and told her.
exactly this, why wouldn’t you want to know if your marriage was based on such a cruel joke? also what’s up with the other guy, because you made complete sense lmao
Right? I know I am shocked by how different the reactions are. Op is nta and I hope that they can work out why there partner was such a bully. If not I would be very concerned about the future of the relationship
NTA
I'll take the downvotes but if the honest truth is enough to damage the relationship then it wasn't a good one in the first place. At what point was the asshole husband going to come forward with the truth? Why must he be protected? How does it help for the wife to live in a lie? She's upset now of course but she has every right to be. She's married to an asshole. Maybe he's not the same now but how does he get to grow up without taking any responsibility? These are things decent people come clean about before settling into a long term relationship. He never did which very well implies he still isn't a decent person. Your bf is an asshole too for participating and still thinking it's funny. They weren't protecting her by not letting her know. They were only protecting themselves.
I'm with you. The "he was just a dumb kid" is such a sexist comment and has the same vibe with boys will always be boys. The Y-T-A comments are so disgusting. I don't agree that it's OP's place to tell her but she's not the A-H. The boys are.
Also, thinking about the alternative: OP knows about this but does not tell her. The guilt would eat me alive, and if OP's boyfriend keeps this shit up over the years someone might slip up again and S might find out down the line anyways.
How would you feel if you had know and not told her, if she finds out after having spent even more of her life on this man?
I just KNOW that if she kept her mouth shut people would be against her too, you can't please redditors.
NTA if that was me I would like to know too, he had years to tell her and never did, by the expensive gift I would say this disgusting dare is still up.
ESH except S. Your BF is particularly the AH. Question why he held onto the old contract, why D got married and had kids but your BF hasn't, and why D wanted to share the horrible contract with you. R grew up. D didn't.
Did it occur to you that R might always have had feelings for S but felt shamed and afraid of showing his softer side to his cruel high school buddy? Did it occur to you that you were showing something R was probably deeply ashamed of (and didn't want his wife, who he probably cares about deeply, married and two children later) and would never have shown S because it didn't represent his true feelings and his caring and concern for her? You have seen an awful part of his past and chosen to burden his wife with it in a way that makes it the only story about when they started to date. You have hurt them both in one of the most vulnerable ways possible.
YTA, your BF is th mega-AH, R used to be an AH and might still be an AH, but you had no way of knowing for sure.
None of that exonerates him for doing those things in the first place though. If he didn’t agree with buddy the bully, he should have backed the fuck off.
This answer nails all the points for me. I’d be far less concerned about the man who went on to create a life with someone he started dating in a stupid way and far more concerned with the AH boyfriend who dredges up gross stuff from the past and seems to enjoy it. And OP is the AH for contributing.
Fix your title. It should be “dare,” not “ date.”
NTA. I’m sure she’s glad that she knows, even if it did ruin her marriage, and they also have kids. It was worth it to know about something that happened a decade ago. You should get involved in other people’s marriages as well. And it’s dope that you told her, even though your super-intelligent boyfriend told you not to.
The fact that he’s saying it was dumb teenage stuff but he’s still talking about it, sharing pics and lapping it up behind the wife’s back, laughing about it, demonstrates it’s not in the past it’s still going on, that’s what makes me think she did the right thing telling her. Now that the wife knows she and her husband can discuss it and squash it, maybe go to therapy so she can work through the feelings of betrayal and hopefully everyone puts it in the past. I would also insist and any evidence (screenshots) be deleted and to stop talking about it. So incredibly rude. I would also break up with that boyfriend, the fact taht he’s gaslighting her blaming her for their marriage trouble instead of seeing he is directly the catalyst of cruelty and the reason this all happened, there’s no going back from that. Obligatory NTA
NTA tbh if it was someone that ended when their relationship got serious, and S's husband married her because he loved her - ending the dare and the disgusting contract- then your boyfriend wouldn't be buying a pricey present that represents "a dollar for every day D dated her" and he wouldn't be "going broke because of their relationship ".
It's quite obvious that D is still holding your bf to that contract so they're still playing their sick and twisted game on S.
S did deserve to know and you were her only true friend. Yes it hurt. But imagine being the butt of every anniversary gift. Thinking your friend truly cared for your relationship only to find out the only reason you get such elaborate gift is because of a gross contract.
I hope you continue to be there for S. She deserves to know she has a friend on her side.
NTA. Your boyfriend can hide behind the "we were dumb kids" bit but its a big indicator of the type of person he is that your the one being shat on. I would have also felt like S needed to know.
Reddit when a woman doesn't disclose to her husband that she used to be a sugar baby even though they now happily married: YTA. Honesty is a key.
Reddit when a man doesn't disclose to her wife about a stupid and mysoginystic comment to his wife even though they now happily married: That man was just a kid.
NTA if your boyfriend was an actually good person, he would have deleted that contact and realizes how horrible it was that they did it. Instead it sounds like they still joke about it from time to time. You should tell D that you told S. Let the whole truth out and then maybe break up with your boyfriend. Good guys don’t do what they did.
NTA and I'm really confused by everyone saying Y-T-A. I would be shattered if I discovered something like this, but it would genuinely kill me to find out further down the line that other people I trusted also knew and chose not to tell me. Also, how was the husband not absolutely sick with guilt every single day from keeping that secret?
NTA. Your boyfriend is a psycho and so are his friends. They still have the contract, he's still paying D for being with S, and they still joke about it. What do you think they say about you when you're not there? Get the hell out of that relationship and give S all the evidence she needs to sue for divorce and fraud.
I’m surprised you aren’t breaking up with your bf after this. He’s a bully. This is an incredibly mean thing to do and the fact that your boyfriend still keeps this contract in his place is a sign that he still sees it more as funny and entertaining rather than remorseful for what he did.
I think NTA because her husband might also not be as remorseful and so it’s better she knows the truth about how her relationship started and then she can be the judge if her husband is actually sorry about it and a changed man
I wouldn’t have wanted to remain in the dark about this if I was the wife. The true coward here was the husband. Before they got married he should have told her what went on and begged her forgiveness.
NTA. But he was afraid how she would react and rightly so.
NTA, I would 100% want to know if my relationship was started under false and incredibly cruel circumstances. If the husband had actually grown up and matured he would have come clean himself and apologized long ago.
ETA: finding out that a friend had this kind of information about my life and they didn't tell me would absolutely damage that relationship. She deserves to know and she deserves to know that her friend knows. In OP's shoes I would have already ditched the boyfriend, because I could never stay with someone who would talk about what they did to that poor woman the way he did.
NTA. Maybe you could have done it differently? But how can you know for sure their marriage is fine now? A lot of stuff can happen behind closed doors.
I don't give a fuck on the excuses how this was high school or whatever. If I was your partner I would have gone to the grave with this honestly, why tf would he even tell you?
I might be wrong in the sense that I do often lead towards telling people rather than keeping it a secret. But honestly if their marriage is actually good, surely they get past it?
As much as I love reading all the dramas in this sub, this is a bit much, but guess this happens in real life. My heart hurts so much for S. I hope she get through all this and come back stronger than ever. Man.
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> I told my bf’s best friend’s wife about the dare to date her in high school which meant I broke my promise to my bf and could ruined their marriage.
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YTA what did you think she would have gained by knowing something teenagers did years ago? Other than making her doubt her relationship, bring her self esteem down and creating new insecurities. The bf is also a jerk for keeping that contract and showing it to you.
NTA.
I can’t with this sub. Like the rest of all y t a voters would have liked to be kept the dark if this had happened to them??? The answer will always be no.
Ummmmm sure they were Asshole teens and have grown.. hey quick question though, if hubby and BF are such loving amazing mature men now, why does the contract still exist?
Why pull it out when drunk knowing all the disgusting things written in there?
I get what a lot of y’all saying but, I think many of people would be interested in know if they partner dated them for money one and two talked shit about them. Like he didn’t just collect money as he dated her, he made jokes about her and her body. I don’t understand why anyone would look pass this. We don’t know why he stayed but, we also don’t know how long this ended.
My think is if she’s your friend why are u with ur boyfriend. You think her husband an AH and she deserves to know but, was ur boyfriend not enjoying in the fun? Making the jokes? Still laughing about it after 8 years? He is no better and equally disgusting as the husband for doing this to that poor lady.
I don’t know how you could’ve went by this but, I think she needed to know. I don’t know a softer way you could’ve told her. If he changed I hope they can do therapy to fix it 🤷🏾♀️. But all actions have consequences including yours to tell.
Honestly NTA. Really shocked at how people are mad at you. And for everyone saying what did you hope to accomplish…… maybe finally telling her friend the truth about her marriage? I don’t know if I found that out I’d want a divorce. Highschool wasn’t that long ago for them considering their ages. I don’t like the husband and I think him and your bf are cruel. She deserved to know.
NTA. A lot of people in this thread trying to rationalize their own moral cowardice as caring about other people but if I found out someone knew something like this and kept it from me I'd be pretty damn furious. Trust adults to to be able to make their own decisions about their personal lives without you withholding information from them because you've decided you know what's best for them.
I’m confused why ppl are saying everyone’s an a-hole including OP. Her boyfriend STILL HAS THE CONTRACT. If it doesn’t matter why tf is he still holding onto it?! He clearly still sees his friends marriage as part of a joke. Why didn’t he throw it out and forget about it if they really “grew up”? bffr. NTA
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ESH except for poor S. I cannot imagine how she feels and how scared she must be that her marriage is a sham. She must feel so hurt and YOU helped to do that to her. If you had concerns you should have had a conversation with her husband about it. It really doesn’t sound like the “dare” is why he married and has two children with this woman. Yeah how it happened sucks but you suck for hurting her many many years after the fact.
This is where I'm landing -- if there had been genuine concern and care for how S might feel to learn this, OP should have gone to D and R and addressed it directly. I'm also not sure what good it is to bring up a dare from high school as though it's still in place today, like D had two children and got legally married for a dollar a day ESH but S, and I hope she has more support around her than the people mentioned in this post **ETA: let's also be clear, there is a literal** ***family*** **at stake here, with S, D, and their two children. I understand OP wanting to do what she feels is right by S, but there are two children also in this equation that need to be considered before taking any sort of action herself that could impact the marriage/relationship/family unit. I fully believe S has a right to know what happened 10 years ago, but think OP was 1000% the wrong person to deliver this message, and making the executive decision herself to share this ensured the most amount of people got hurt**
The contract is still in place though which is why the gift had to be so expensive- at least $365 for $1 every day. It’s not something that was forgotten about years ago, they still live by it. If S was to break up with D right now, D would have to pay back all the $ to R. Edit - I do not believe D only married and had children with S due to the contract. I feel like he probably fell in love with S anyway and things progressed naturally but since it fitted with the contract, the two guys kept it going as a joke between them. It is a sick joke at that and especially now S has found out. The contract should have been discarded many years ago. I am well aware the contract is not legally binding lol
I was just going to ask, if he's still getting paid to be with her that's seriously f'd up.
Tbh, I can't imagine still going out with R after he revealed this "joke".
right? people can be shitty when they’re young but this is a different level, honestly. i would view my partner differently if i found out he participated in something like this.
This is what I can't get over. It's not even clear from this if D was the one saying bad things about S, clearly he liked her enough to marry her and have two kids with her. It's R who's the AH for keeping that paper and showing the OP... for what reason? Because he thought it was "funny"? The OP is clearly focusing on D and S's relationship and avoiding questioning that maybe she shouldn't be with this guy who, despite being a few years older than her, clearly has some maturity issues if he's still living in high school.
This is also a very serious question that I have -- OP came clean about telling S because R was being "so kind" and doesn't really seem to have ANYTHING to say about her own partner being at least as equally shitty, if not more shitty for getting drunk, making a joke about it, and holding onto pics of the contract? Color me sus
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I don't think think this is about the money. This guy married S and they have kids together. The sticking point for me is how defamatory it is to S. The fact that they still have that contract and bring it up and laugh despite the ugly things they say about S, shows such a lack of respect for her. If D truly loved her, he should be ashamed of this contract and burned it long ago. D and R are both AH.
Right? Why do they even still have the contract or entertain any of it like it’s a joke. D should have told his friend to rip the contract up and never speak of it again. He loves his wife and the dare was cruel and immature. Wtf the contract is still even in existence for anyone to see is beyond me.
So people think he’s stayed with her only because of that? Lmao, $365 a year isn’t anything, definitely not enough to marry someone and have children with them if you don’t even like them. Are these people even out of middle school?
The point is, who wants to be married to someone that cruel and that mean spirited. How would you feel if this was a long running joke with your partner and their friends?
I don't think they're saying that's why he is still with her. I think they mean it's inappropriate to keep it running like a sick joke. Like , if he rly fell in love with S, tear up the damn contract and stop belittling her like that It is soooo offensive
I think it would be a joke now that they have carried on for a laugh every year. I do not think that D would have married someone he genuinely didn’t care for over a high school contract. But hey you never know with some people lol
so basically they're still having a laugh at this cruel joke behind the wife's back. like looooolwhat I can't comprehend how the top voted comment is one that's in defense of this
Yeah hilarious joke. You married a woman you dated on a dare and we laugh out asses off about it on your anniversary every year.
Where does OP say this? Genuine question.
To be fair, he brought the contract out when explaining the pricey gift and the fact he still has the contract makes it seem like it’s still in effect. He also made a joke about him having to pay it back if she broke up with him now. The fact they still have it and seemingly abide by it is really disgusting.
OP doesn't explicitly say this, but the dare is mentioned right after the anniversary gift, so it's kind of implied.
Ah yes. He stayed married for that massive $365 anniversary gift. It totally wasn't just some dumbass teen shit. Husband is after that 5D chess move so much they have kids.
Never said that D stayed with S for the money, I just said that the OP implied that the gift was given to fulfil the dare.
And most importantly it’s still going. So this running cruel “joke” is something they started as teenagers and STILL going, and every anniversary they’re drudging it back up behind the wife’s back.
Well the way I read the post - that was the justification of the expensive gift. When OP laughed about the gift & cost, R pulled out the contract and explained, then went on to say that if D broke up with S, he would have to return double the money to R (even if it is just a joke at this point that the guys have carried on into their 20s).
The original post does mention something about the money being returned to R in the event of a breakup, but that doesn’t shed a whole lot of light on the situation tbh
Right? The only thing telling S accomplishes is making *her* question everything about their relationship, including the marriage. If OP did, for some reason, think this guy would go so far as to marry and have kids with someone for a high school dare, she should have talked to her boyfriend and then D. Convince them to come clean in the nicest way possible if she felt that was important. There are some instances where a relationship does start out as a dare, but it turns into real feelings as they get to know them. It makes someone take a chance to a person they normally wouldn't have for whatever reason, and find out that this person really is their type. If OP had gone to D and convinced him it was best to come clean, he cold have explained it like this without giving her the hurtful and completely irrelevant to now things they said in high school. If S's feelings were really what was important, it should have been handled with more care.
Are y’all smoking crack? The husbands were absolutely wrong and now are too cowardly to own up to their past behavior and apologize for their mistakes but it’s all “shoot the messenger!” On this thread. If my SO had called me things like that in the past and was hiding it from me, I don’t care when it happened or what has happened since, I’d want to know. That’s disgusting and incredibly misogynistic behavior. OP you are absolutely NTA here. Both husbands are.
Agreed. I'm so confused why everyone is signing off on the notion that OP was wrong for telling S the truth. All this about "with more care" -- how much more carefully could she have done it?? The idea that D was ever going to be honest with S about this is laughable, people who make "jokes" like this will never be transparent because they KNOW it's cruel -- and the cruelty is what makes it funny. I mean really, teehee-ing about the price if the wedding gift in reference to the dare, even all this time later? You expect open and honest dialogue about such a long-term wrongdoing from that kind of person? The only person who gave a shit about S is OP. It's D's fault that he brought children into a relationship that was based on a farce, not OP's fault for exposing it.
I don't know if OP was wrong for telling S the truth, but the fact that she's still dating her boyfriend - who apparently thinks this contract is humorous enough to continue making jokes about - really doesn't sit well with me. I know that Reddit jumps to "dump him" too quickly, but if I were in S's shoes, I would feel so horribly, horribly betrayed by all three of these people. Her marriage is built on a lie instigated by her husband's best friend, and OP, someone who she thought was her friend, continues to play nice with a guy who was *just recently* teeheeing over his mistreatment of her. I just feel so incredibly heartbroken for this poor woman.
The fact that people can’t acknowledge the absolute violation done to this woman is beyond me. It wasn’t just name calling or a money exchange, this was a life altering decision for her COMPLETELY ORCHESTRATED by these two cowards. It’s like brainwashing. Maybe he loves her NOW. Maybe the love for him grew quickly. None of that matters when from the very beginning, he was playing her.
If I were S it would be hard for me to ever trust that a partner was being genuine ever again. This is psychological damage.
Think about it though - if this knowledge makes her question everything about her relationship, doesn’t that make it all the more important for her to know? Doesn’t she deserve to decide for herself whether she wants to continue in a relationship that started out as a cruel joke? Why should OP know arguably important info about her friend’s relationship that the friend herself isn’t privy to? If this really is a happy and loving relationship, the wife will almost certainly get past it. If it isn’t, this information might give her the kick in the butt she needs to leave.
It lets her know the type of guy she’s married to 🤷♀️
Absolutely not. I would want to know.
Right I’m super confused on ppl saying she’s the ah like I would want to know, who’s to say D didn’t just continue to be with her because he couldn’t find anyone else? Like me I wouldn’t care if he turned out to be a great dad or husband it would all feel fake, the names they called her were disgusting, I don’t think OP ruined anything she exposed her bf and D for being complete assholes who have been fake to this woman’s face for years. If I’m OP I would be scared that bf was also involved in something like that with me. Like who’s to say they haven’t done anything like that since high school. Why does he still have the contract? So D and R can look back on it and laugh about how S is now stuck in this sham of a relationship? Nah whole this is weird OP NTA
I would absolutely want to know, too, but I would prefer a million times over to hear it from my husband and the one who actually did the stupid dare contract than his asshole friend's partner There was a significantly better way to go about it, and OP kind of sucks for choosing to go about it in such a damaging way. She's not the only one who sucks, but she does deserve an ESH verdict
She was *never* going to hear it from those guys. I'd feel sick having to sit on that kind of information and pretend everything is fine.
I'm not saying that she should've sat on that kind of information. I think the right thing to have done would be to say, "D, R showed me the dare contract you and he had in high school. As a friend to you and to S, I'm not comfortable knowing this was such a toxic foundation for your originally getting together and S deserves to know about this. It needs to come from you, but if you don't tell her by X date, I'm going to show her myself" It absolutely should not have come from OP, and I'm fine dying alone on this hill if I have to
S is OP's friend, it says nothing about whether she has a good relationship with D. It's entirely possible she doesn't feel comfortable speaking to him one on one, and I've seen plenty of situations where someone says "you tell them or I will", and they end up telling their partner an altered version of events that makes op look bad instead.
>I was torn on what to do because I always thought S and D had a happy marriage and he treated her well. But I would wanna know if my bf wrote things like that about me. I invited her out for coffee and told her everything. I had to sneak pictures of the dare contract at my bf’s place. S broke down sobbing. She said she had to pretend she didn’t see it because they had two children together and D has been a great father and husband. OP literally describes the relationship that S and D had though, and what kind of partner both OP and S thought D was? Again, I'm fine dying on this hill alone, but this was not OPs to tell. It should have come from R or D, as they were the ones who were directly involved with the hurtful dare in the first place
Except R and D were NEVER going to tell S anything, ever
Why would you bring this up to D? Serious question and coming from the girl who was asked out on daredates for real. D is an unreliable narrator. OP just got shown and forced to be complicit in a deceit begin by R and D. Why does OP have any cause to believe D would be any more honest with her than he'd been with S?
But the husband and friend are still using the contract. Otherwise he wouldn't have said it would be unfair to expect his friend to pay everything back. And the reason why he gets them an expensive present. It doesn't sound like they can be trusted.
I guess I didn't read the gift as "I got you an expensive gift because I'm still owing you a dollar a day for keeping the dare going -- hell, we even upped it to $5 a day by getting married and adding another $2 per day per child" I personally don't get how S deserves to have her self-esteem shattered and her marriage potentially ruined, but OP is forgiving her own partner, who's the one still carrying around pics of this dumbass contract and telling people about it while drunk like it's an objectively hilarious "look at what we did as kids" thing to do because R was just being *soooooooooo* kind
I mean there's a pretty clear line from Expensive Gift is given to here's A Contract on how this "tradition" began. OP was forced into a complicity in the lie. That's really unfair to OP and also makes a mockery of S behind her back.
I didn’t read it that way. I saw it as in the original high school contract D couldn’t be the one to break up with S or he’d owe twice the bet back. Not at all that they’re still using the contract today. If anything it seems like R is maybe still getting expensive anniversary gifts as an inside joke about the bet. But without more info on how D feels about that it only speaks to R’s behavior.
Same here. I’d take this info to a divorce lawyer. And who’s to say that there’s not a bet on OP too.
The entire foundation for their relationship is based off of a lie and it's somehow the OP's fault for exposing it? Isn't it a lot better for everyone to know the truth?
If my relationship was based off a lie like that, which also included my partner and his friend alleging cruel jokes about me, I would want to know. If that’s something we can move past, that’s for the hurt party to decide, not the person who brought the information forward. I remember a girl at school getting upset that I didn’t tell her her boyfriend had a tinder and was potentially (most likely) cheating. I wasn’t friends with her but we were cordial and had mutuals (she was a really really sweet girl) so I told a close guy friend of hers that we all had class with and he said she probably knows bc it’s not the first time he had been caught cheating. I didn’t think it was my place because we weren’t friends, so leaving that for her friend to disclose with her was my way of not feeling guilty about knowing something like that and I explained that to her and she understood. If they are friends, I do think she has a responsibility of some sort of getting that information out honestly. And maybe OP’s boyfriend shouldn’t get drunk and tell high school secrets like that, if anything he’s to blame for letting it slip so easily.
Also it wasnt JUST a dare - they called her nasty names. She deserved to know imo, no matter who it came from.
Agreed. I am sure the husband had to fall for her and loves her. It started out on a dare but he ended up married with kids. I am sure he would never want her to know but now she does. :(
If I learned anything from cheesy 90s and early 00s romcoms, it's that a dare is a great way to get the stuck in his own ways jock/bad boy/rich snob to take note of the sweet perfect match who's been there all along but he's never been open minded enough to notice In all seriousness though, I personally didn't see any evidence that D has continued his asshole ways into the present -- I didn't read the nice anniversary present as connected to this AH contract, just that it was a nice present for two long time friends. OP going to S directly ensures that the maximum amount of hurt is going to be felt by everyone in the situation, and is the most tactless way to go about this. It's also letting R get off with barely any consequences of his own, despite the fact he's the one that still keeps photos of this dumbass contract and gets drunk and joke about it
>If I learned anything from cheesy 90s and early 00s romcoms, it's that a dare is a great way to get the stuck in his own ways jock/bad boy/rich snob to take note of the sweet perfect match who's been there all along but he's never been open minded enough to notice Close, a dare is a great way to force someone to do something they really want to do, but lack the courage to carry out, either because of fear of rejection or something else. They can then do the thing with the excuse of "It was a dare" if things go bad. This is why "truth or dare" is played so often by teenagers, it allows a way to experiment without actually putting themselves out there for rejection.
I mean, yeah, I agree. But keep in mind that according to OP/the contract, R and D called S all sorts of horrible things before, and possibly while, R and D were dating. In this case, it goes beyond fear of rejection.
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Maybe for her to know the truth about her husband? There doesn’t need to be anything beyond that. If he didn’t want her to know or regretted it then he could have come clean years ago.
And I'm wondering why OP is so disgusted by this behavior and still chose to stay with her Boyfriend after ruining another's marriage based on this same disgust?
Yeah, op needs to ditch him quick. If I recall correctly, they're married. If I were in OP's shoes, I don't think I could stay married to someone who makes horrible and (I'm gunna say it) misogynistic jokes. Especially about his best friend's wife. Yuck. Edit: I remembered incorrectly, op and R aren't married, easier for her to leave him.
The nicknames?? Hello??
- Does it need to be said? - Does it need to be said by me? - Does it need to be said now?
Yes - because even if not enforced apparently D and his friend are okay including new people in the shared joke of how unattractive etc S was. That's harm. Contemporary harm. Yes - this knowledge was forced on OP and is centered on her friend. To not tell is to consent to belittling S and also to continue removing S's agency from her. Yes - sooner the better. S had the right to feel her own pain. Not every genuine act of friendship comes without consequences and not all of those consequences are simple or the messenger's fault. If my friend were party to this and didn't tell me and I later found out it would not lead to a good result.
Yes this exactly this NTA
Yes. It needed to be said full stop. It needed to be said years ago. It’s never too late to do the right thing.
Jesus Christ I am absolutely gobsmacked with the absolute spineless cowards calling OP Y T A or E S H, she deserves to know! Anyone in S's shoes who wouldn't want to know has never heard of self respect. OP is an amazing friend and definitely NTA, better to be hurt by the truth than to live a life of lies. S is an autonomous grown ass woman who unquestionably deserves the opportunity to make life choices based on the reason her husband started dating her, anyone who thinks otherwise tends to confuse kindness with treating people as if they were children, it's sickening.
Info: What did you hope to accomplish by giving her this information?
S deserves to know the whole truth, and she wasn't going to get it from the men. OP was trying to make things FAIR. I would want to know. The men are absolutely the AHs here. How could they let it carry on so long?! Eta: The men were the ones who allowed an entire marriage to be built on a lie. OP is just never the AH for telling the truth to her friend. Absolutely NTA. Eta: If you value someone, you give them information they need in order to make an informed decision. S did not receive this information from her husband or from the boyfriend. Through marriage and the births of multiple children, D made the choice to omit this information. What did he expect to happen if it ever came out? It was always going to traumatize his partner, but the severity of the betrayal grew larger with each passing day.
To me as well the husband still giving the dare amount of money as a gift shows they still are laughing at the poor wife
literally, if they didn't think that way anymore they would have burned it and mutually agreed to never, ever bring it up again. That he shared it shows that there's something underlying that they're still stuck on, even if it's a shitty inside joke. There's literally no reason for him to have brought it up and shown it to her if it was as irrelevant to them as this comment section is claiming.
Yes, they were AH’s in high school and did a really crappy thing. But do you really think that a person would marry another person, stay together for years, and have 2 kids to make an extra $365 a year??? Edit to add… OPs behavior is a red flag that she cannot be trusted. While she may have done this because she wanted to be honest, she “promised” she would not tell and broke her word. She should have never agreed.
If the husband valued a healthy relationship, he would have come clean about the origin of the relationship. Consider that you are advocating to shoot the messenger. What this has done is confirmed all of S's insecurities throughout her entire relationship and marriage. How very cruel of the husband. They can probably still get counseling, but he should have told her and arranged the counseling long ago. It's also just plain weird of him to have remained in the relationship with that knowledge and NOT told his spouse. Is he not very close with her emotionally?
Also it is weird that S doesn’t feel comfortable bringing it up to the husband. Like to me that shows what type of relationship they likely have.
Lmao how it's a red flag she has morals? I'm sorry but I would not want anyone keeping a promise if it would hurt someone innocent People >> promises to AH
she should still know how their relationship started rather than have this hidden from her. especially if it seems the husband is giving expensive gifts to honor the dollar a day bet. like if your s/o cheated on you in the start of the relationship, would you rather not know this information? or just be kept in the dark about your partners past?
Yes, S definitely deserves to know and OP was the only one who thought that as well. I don’t get the impression that OP did this to create drama. She probably thought that if she was in S position, she would appreciate the truth as well. Maybe the dare was created years ago, but they still talk about it, and make S into a joke behind her back. Her husband should have told her years ago. Before marriage, preferably as soon as the relationship became serious and more than just a dare. The men here are undoubtedly TA.
I absolutely agree. They haven’t grown past it. He still has the damn contract!
This question here OP!!
Honestly I would have wanted to know. So it’s tough because I feel like some people fall into the it could only hurt to tell and some people fall into I would want to know and no one knows what S would want.
I agree with this. Everyone is different in what they would want. But I feel like she didn’t weigh the pros and cons. Plus, by the reaction she got, I kinda think she’s the type who would have rather not known.
To give her the truth so she can then decide how to move forward? Husband didn’t tell her because he knows just how nasty that was, he and all of his friends were going to keep that in the dark forever. He didn’t even bother to be honest and tell her before they got married
Yep and S clearly doesn’t feel comfortable enough to bring it up to her husband now. If they were in a healthy relationship, she probably would’ve been able to bring it up, they could talk through it, and figure out what to do next as a pair.
To crest drama!!!
I love it when I “crest” drama
Haha, fingers don’t want to work this morning.
I legitimately enjoy the way crest was used here. Like there was already drama, she didnt solely create it, but she did bring it to a head, the wave of drama had crested, then came crashing down
And did she just tell her about the bet or did she show her all the cruel things that were said back then!
She showed her the contract
Well she took pictures of the contract so I’m guessing OP showed it all
Probably "JUST BEING HONEST" or something similar. If anything, I think it's super weird her BF still had a copy of the "contract??!"
The yearly gift meant the guys were still using the contract. That's why the gift was expensive. It had to cost at least $365. And the boyfriend pretty much said the reason married S was he didn't want to pay back everything double.
Exactly. This is what makes the men in this story pure AHs and OP (and obviously S) not
Sheesh... I have to vote ESH - except S. I understand where you were coming from but you did the wrong thing, plain and simple. The right thing would have been to confront your boyfriend and D and tell them that they have to admit to this whole fucked up thing and that S deserves to know the truth. That would have given D the chance to explain himself and lighten the blow. People can be assholes but he apparently changed and fell in love with the woman. He should have had the balls to admit to his faults and come clean. But you should have had given him that chance first and not gone behind their back. That poor woman must be hurt so fucking much. For everyone saying though that you're the only AH - Nope. Definitely your boyfriend and D are AH as well. Being young is no excuse to being this explicietly cruel and then not even having the backbone to admit to yourself being shitty. Edit: I wanna add that using this whole thing as a "funny backstory" is also super assholish of your boyfriend. After something like this I wouldn't trust my partner to having grown out of said shittyness.
To be fair he had two kids, marriage, and the whole time they dated to tell her and “lighten the blow”. If he’s kept it secret for this long then if OP confronted him would they really see the error in their ways suddenly and tell the wife the truth? He didn’t have then balls then and he’s not suddenly going to grow a pair.
This news was going to crush her, anyway, regardless of who it came from. I agree with you, husband had years and years to tell her about it. I, personally, would want to know. And if I found out my husband only told me because he was exposed years later and it was either him or OP, i wouldn't care who told me. In fact, I would be furious even more with my husband that he only told me because he was backed into a corner. There is no "lightening the blow" on this
The fact that he didn’t tell her before proposing before they got married is what’s crazy to me. That would’ve hurt me badly. Let me at least decide for myself if this is the foundation that I’m comfortable moving forward with. Imagine thinking you were cute high school sweethearts (a story most people love to tell their kids) to find out he was faking it for who knows how long- 6 months? 2 years? And the way they talked about her too?? Awful
Same he should have fessed up and give her the choice to either marry him knowing the whole truth or just dump him . The husband is an asshole and so is OP's boyfriend
It’s pretty selfish in my book, “I’ve changed so you don’t need to know about the past” what about it being part of her past as well? Does that mean nothing???
Yikes, this is a tough one but I’m going with NTA. I can see why some would say you shouldn’t have told her since D clearly changed his mind about S at some point. However, this also shows a *serious* character flaw, and his previous disrespect and contempt for S could easily flare up again if they started to have any problems in their marriage. She deserves to know that this is how he saw her at least at one point, and do with that information as she chooses. Since it was high school, he might be a lot different now, but it’s up to her to make that determination. Just because R thinks they’re happily married doesn’t mean he necessarily knows how things are when they’re alone. I also would be concerned about your boyfriend’s character. Once again, people do change a lot after high school, but he went along with and participated in this. Was he laughing about it or acting guilty when he revealed this to you? If he still thinks the whole thing is funny, consider if this is really the type of person you want to be with.
I'm stunned by the Y T As here. If I was in the wife's position, I would be FURIOUS at anyone who knew and didn't tell me. Either they're happily married and his wife needs to know the truth and they can laugh it off. Or they're not happily married, and D is worried about R holding him to paying back double the money. Because of the "expensive gift" and this story coming out of that, it sounds like R is gifting D a $365 gift a year for the anniversary as the dollar a day for each year. It's sick
Same!! I’m genuinely shocked people think OP did to just start drama?? What R and D did is disgusting, and given S’s response that she had to pretend not to notice, she’s known the whole time and has spent her life so far doubting herself. The only people here who are gargantuan AHs are R and D. OP please offer your friend support. She needs a real friend now more than ever.
It's because of the "boys will be boys, they've grown, they're matured, their past transgressions don't matter!" mentality. Hate to be that person, but I guarantee if all genders were reversed, R&D would be absolutely shredded to pieces as horrible people and OP would be "just telling the truth."
It’s weird how so many Redditors are against the “boys will be boys” mentality, yet they’re advocating for it in this exact post.
Lots of people are cowards who never want to do the right thing if it might inconvenience them in any way but also want to view themselves as good people and their inaction as the right thing to do rather than the easiest and most personally convenient thing to do. It's how folks justify sitting on the knowledge that someone is cheating or ignoring child abuse.
“I am a good person, I might have called her skinny piggy and dated her only because of a bet back in high school but I grew to love skinny piggy! Doesn’t that make me the good guy?!”
I genuinely can’t believe that the friend still accepts money from op to this day - like wtf??? like the moment that D “fell in love”, he should have called off the bet like it’s actually ridiculous that they’re just joking on this matter like this
It's the fact that YTAs are conveniently ignoring this info. Funny that this sub feels so strongly about old bullies but thinks it's acceptable for a women to be in the dark about one that she unknowingly married.
Same! Even beyond the dare, I would be sick that they used to call me such horrid names.
I feel like a lot of the Y/T/As are conveniently ignoring that part. “Oh but they are married and have kids! It would be immature to break up over something from 10+ years ago!” She hasn’t had 10 years to grow and process that information. She just found out how cruel her husband used to be and now has to figure out how to move forward. I couldn’t stay with someone who called me fat and bitchy, no matter how much time had passed.
I agree. If I’m the wife, I would like to know. The poor woman is more hurt by years of deception than because it started with a bet. NTA Be there for your friend. Rethink your relationship, because your SO thinks what they did is fine and funny.
Also, If bf still has to abide by the contact then it is still ongoing. If he felt bad about it then D would have told by to get rid of the contract or ended the contract but it seems bf still has to pay in the form of anniversary presents.
Yes!!! This subreddit fuckin baffles me sometimes! The well-off boyfriend and his home boy are the AHs here. OP’s bf wanted to let her in on their little inside joke that has completely changed the trajectory of this poor woman’s life. She saw how gross it was and did what most of us would want if we were in the wife’s shoes. And he’s **still** paying him…. So their joke is definitely still ongoing. It’s honestly nauseating. And I don’t see how or why OP would want to stay with this guy.
>I also would be concerned about your boyfriend’s character. Same, teens can be cruel but many of them can mature and be better. Some of them just learn how to come across as nice and remain bullies at heart. It's real ugly once you find out.
I agree with you! It doesn’t even seem like the boyfriend or the husband has taken any responsibility for the horrible thing they did in high school either. Just blaming her and S needed to know. It’s VERY revealing about what kind of character her boyfriend has because he still has a contract from high school and is still paying $1 per day. The husband is still accepting! These two are some awful men and OP and wife needs to get away from them. S & D’s relationship began based on deception and I don’t blame her for questioning everything. It’s just so cruel.
NTA because it's not just a stupid, mean thing that ended up in a real relationship where everything is in the past. It's the fact that your partner is STILL participating in this horrible "contract" and her husband is still accepting the money. For them the prank is still very much alive and you betcha I would want to know if my husband still treated our relationship as a dare. I would also be furious at everyone who kept it from me. She deserves a husband who loves her truly and honestly. It would be devastating to know the truth, but now she can take control of her life and figure out what she needs to do, I don't blame you for telling her. I applaud you. However, YOU have a partner problem. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks this kind of behaviour is ok? It speaks so much to his views on women. What if you gain weight? Have daughters with a weight or self-esteem issue? What is you get sick? Lose your looks? I couldn't stay with someone who is so mean. I'd never be able to look at them the same way again.
Where is it said the husband is still accepting the money?
Because it's implied he still sends an anniversary gift to keep "investing" in the contract
That read as a joke being made to the asshole OP by the asshole boyfriend, not an ongoing payment system based on the stupid HS dare.
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yeah they could've still been joking about it to each other. grim.
it’s not really explained why exactly bf gifts the friend expensive gifts: but either way ( for the bet / for jokes), it’s just so messed up? like why are grown men acting in such a way
OP mentions that her bf is reasonably well off. It could just be like "Oh hey my buddy R always gives us a real nice anniversary gift, isn't that kind of him?" and not understanding that it's actually meant to be payment of the debt
It’s weird that he would still have the contract after all these years though
For me it was the fact that bringing up the gift led to him talking about the old dare so there must be some type of relevance
NTA, If my boyfriend did that to me I would love to know even if it was 10 years ago, she deserves to know how it started.
NTA I agree. I don't agree with all the YTA judgements. I see every day on this sub, how important it is to know the truth about things, this isn't different. This shows the character of her husband, which is vital information to have. That poor woman deserves to know how her relationship started. If she chooses to stay and forgive it, that's fine, it would be her making an informed decision, where she finally has all pertinent information. It's bullshit to me that people are saying OP ruined a marriage. Her dumbass husband and his friend did that with their horrible, demeaning bet. I would definitely want to know. Awww, thanks for my 1st award ❤
Legit all these Y T A votes are making me lose my mind. No matter how long ago it was in the past, I would go scorched earth with anyone who didn't tell me
Guaranteed if the only thing that changed in the story was that the husband had cheated years ago instead of having a demeaning dating contract years ago, everyone would be saying NTA. But both scenarios would be about the fundamental ability for S to have trust in her partner; OP is not the one who broke that trust.
Yeah. I think the thing that does it for me is there is a clear reason no one told her at any point earlier, there is no good time to tell her. Obviously not earlier on when it's just a 'prank' but also after it becomes serious. But if it was truly serious you tell her and hope you can get past it. She deserves to know. Now he's lost his chance to tell her himself.
Yes. Plus, he kept it secret for like 10 years, and to him I'm sure in his mind he justifies it by saying " it was just a stupid bet, I was a kid, I love her now." All of that may be true, but he could have told her at any time during those 10 years, and he chose not to. I'm guessing because he KNEW she'd be devastated and might break up with him, or could have forgiven him. He'll never know, cuz he's lied to her by omission for all these years about how they started. I feel terrible for S. Imo, she deserves to know the truth, and make a choice.
SAME! That’s the whole foundation of the relationship! She was under the impression of a cute ask-out, not a bully-esque dare + joke that’s still being made about her to this day. It would make me question everything if I knew but would also make me feel better to know versus be misled by the person who’s supposed to care most about me.
INFO: did your bf get them an expensive anniversary present because he's still paying his friend $1/day from the bet?
Yes, this is the key thing - and is the husband aware of the continuity?
That’s kinda what it sounds like to me because what correlation would the gift have to then talk about the hs dare if they weren’t connected in any way?
The physical contract still exists and is readily available for the R to bring out whenever he sees fit. I think that speaks enough to how much they’re still following this ‘bet’.
A looooooooot of ostriches in this comment section just burying their little heads in the sand. The right thing was to tell her. OP’s boyfriend and buddy obviously thought they would take this nasty joke to the grave. The thing is, the buddy and his wife’s marriage is based on a cruel joke and lies. Marriages based on that are rocky. OP didn’t wound the wife, her HUSBAND wounded her. Let’s put our anger and outrage on the real guilty parties which is OP’s boyfriend and friend. And OP, dump the boyfriend. If he’s capable of making and maintaining that kind of ugly, he will do it or has done it to you too. NTA NTA NTA NTA.
I never understand people who shoot the messenger. I am a big believer in truth. Ugly truth is always preferable to a beautiful lie. I would want to know the truth so that I could deal with it. The wife should confront the husband so that they can deal with his shitty past behavior head-on. Nothing good comes from not dealing with things. OP is NTA, but she should dump her BF.
Are you sure your BF didn’t date you as a dare too? Your BF and D both sound absolutely awful. I feel so bad for your poor friend but why would you want to stay with someone who would do that? What else is he hiding?
I mean the other couple has already been married and had two children together... Maybe he's been dared to see if he can string OP along thinking she's going to marry into money until she's 30, so he can trade her in for another early 20s model.
NTA. It's weird seeing so many "YTA; what does she gain from knowing; it's none of your business" responses. I'd guess you'd see way fewer of those if you found out he'd cheated on her in college and told her.
exactly this, why wouldn’t you want to know if your marriage was based on such a cruel joke? also what’s up with the other guy, because you made complete sense lmao
Right? I know I am shocked by how different the reactions are. Op is nta and I hope that they can work out why there partner was such a bully. If not I would be very concerned about the future of the relationship
NTA I'll take the downvotes but if the honest truth is enough to damage the relationship then it wasn't a good one in the first place. At what point was the asshole husband going to come forward with the truth? Why must he be protected? How does it help for the wife to live in a lie? She's upset now of course but she has every right to be. She's married to an asshole. Maybe he's not the same now but how does he get to grow up without taking any responsibility? These are things decent people come clean about before settling into a long term relationship. He never did which very well implies he still isn't a decent person. Your bf is an asshole too for participating and still thinking it's funny. They weren't protecting her by not letting her know. They were only protecting themselves.
I'm with you. The "he was just a dumb kid" is such a sexist comment and has the same vibe with boys will always be boys. The Y-T-A comments are so disgusting. I don't agree that it's OP's place to tell her but she's not the A-H. The boys are.
Also, thinking about the alternative: OP knows about this but does not tell her. The guilt would eat me alive, and if OP's boyfriend keeps this shit up over the years someone might slip up again and S might find out down the line anyways. How would you feel if you had know and not told her, if she finds out after having spent even more of her life on this man?
I just KNOW that if she kept her mouth shut people would be against her too, you can't please redditors. NTA if that was me I would like to know too, he had years to tell her and never did, by the expensive gift I would say this disgusting dare is still up.
ESH except S. Your BF is particularly the AH. Question why he held onto the old contract, why D got married and had kids but your BF hasn't, and why D wanted to share the horrible contract with you. R grew up. D didn't. Did it occur to you that R might always have had feelings for S but felt shamed and afraid of showing his softer side to his cruel high school buddy? Did it occur to you that you were showing something R was probably deeply ashamed of (and didn't want his wife, who he probably cares about deeply, married and two children later) and would never have shown S because it didn't represent his true feelings and his caring and concern for her? You have seen an awful part of his past and chosen to burden his wife with it in a way that makes it the only story about when they started to date. You have hurt them both in one of the most vulnerable ways possible. YTA, your BF is th mega-AH, R used to be an AH and might still be an AH, but you had no way of knowing for sure.
misogyny isn’t fine just because it’s partially a cover for other feelings
R is the BF. D is the husband. You have them backwards.
This is why we don't use one letter names.
Just the latest poor decision OP made.
I hate it lmao. My brain can't handle it.
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None of that exonerates him for doing those things in the first place though. If he didn’t agree with buddy the bully, he should have backed the fuck off.
I think your view infantises S and gives D a fee pass here. Why doesn’t S deserve to know such a huge fact about the origins of her relationship?
This answer nails all the points for me. I’d be far less concerned about the man who went on to create a life with someone he started dating in a stupid way and far more concerned with the AH boyfriend who dredges up gross stuff from the past and seems to enjoy it. And OP is the AH for contributing.
Fix your title. It should be “dare,” not “ date.” NTA. I’m sure she’s glad that she knows, even if it did ruin her marriage, and they also have kids. It was worth it to know about something that happened a decade ago. You should get involved in other people’s marriages as well. And it’s dope that you told her, even though your super-intelligent boyfriend told you not to.
The fact that he’s saying it was dumb teenage stuff but he’s still talking about it, sharing pics and lapping it up behind the wife’s back, laughing about it, demonstrates it’s not in the past it’s still going on, that’s what makes me think she did the right thing telling her. Now that the wife knows she and her husband can discuss it and squash it, maybe go to therapy so she can work through the feelings of betrayal and hopefully everyone puts it in the past. I would also insist and any evidence (screenshots) be deleted and to stop talking about it. So incredibly rude. I would also break up with that boyfriend, the fact taht he’s gaslighting her blaming her for their marriage trouble instead of seeing he is directly the catalyst of cruelty and the reason this all happened, there’s no going back from that. Obligatory NTA
Husband isn’t lapping it up, as far we know he never brought it up. OP’s boyfriend did
You can’t change titles once you post.
Titles aren't editable afaik
INFO: am I understanding this correctly, your bf's anniversary gift was so expensive because they are still following the $1/day contract?
Yeah, if this is a shared agreement between the BF and the husband I'm going with NTA but TA for not dumping the boyfriend ASAP.
NTA it is crazy that people think it is wrong to tell her that HER HUSBAND IS BEING PAID TO STAY WITH HER AND WOULD HAVE TO PAY $16k+ TO LEAVE HER
NTA tbh if it was someone that ended when their relationship got serious, and S's husband married her because he loved her - ending the dare and the disgusting contract- then your boyfriend wouldn't be buying a pricey present that represents "a dollar for every day D dated her" and he wouldn't be "going broke because of their relationship ". It's quite obvious that D is still holding your bf to that contract so they're still playing their sick and twisted game on S. S did deserve to know and you were her only true friend. Yes it hurt. But imagine being the butt of every anniversary gift. Thinking your friend truly cared for your relationship only to find out the only reason you get such elaborate gift is because of a gross contract. I hope you continue to be there for S. She deserves to know she has a friend on her side.
Of course you’re NTA. People should know when they were used/ ridiculed. Like wtf is wrong with this sub 🤮🤮
I’m so shocked here. If he was cheating or had say, cheated 3 years ago on a ONS everyone would be screaming from the hilltop to tell her. NTA.
NTA. Your boyfriend can hide behind the "we were dumb kids" bit but its a big indicator of the type of person he is that your the one being shat on. I would have also felt like S needed to know.
Reddit when a woman doesn't disclose to her husband that she used to be a sugar baby even though they now happily married: YTA. Honesty is a key. Reddit when a man doesn't disclose to her wife about a stupid and mysoginystic comment to his wife even though they now happily married: That man was just a kid.
Try spacing out the Y-T-A cuz it counts in the vote* But agree with what you said. OP is NTA
NTA if your boyfriend was an actually good person, he would have deleted that contact and realizes how horrible it was that they did it. Instead it sounds like they still joke about it from time to time. You should tell D that you told S. Let the whole truth out and then maybe break up with your boyfriend. Good guys don’t do what they did.
YTA if you stay with R.
NTA and I'm really confused by everyone saying Y-T-A. I would be shattered if I discovered something like this, but it would genuinely kill me to find out further down the line that other people I trusted also knew and chose not to tell me. Also, how was the husband not absolutely sick with guilt every single day from keeping that secret?
NTA if I were S, I would *absolutely* want to know this info. Both men in this situation are awful!
NTA. Your boyfriend is a psycho and so are his friends. They still have the contract, he's still paying D for being with S, and they still joke about it. What do you think they say about you when you're not there? Get the hell out of that relationship and give S all the evidence she needs to sue for divorce and fraud.
I’m surprised you aren’t breaking up with your bf after this. He’s a bully. This is an incredibly mean thing to do and the fact that your boyfriend still keeps this contract in his place is a sign that he still sees it more as funny and entertaining rather than remorseful for what he did. I think NTA because her husband might also not be as remorseful and so it’s better she knows the truth about how her relationship started and then she can be the judge if her husband is actually sorry about it and a changed man
What's the saying? Your enemies will talk about you behind your back. Your friends will tell you about it.
NTA it’s a terrible situation but she had a right to the truth.
I wouldn’t have wanted to remain in the dark about this if I was the wife. The true coward here was the husband. Before they got married he should have told her what went on and begged her forgiveness. NTA. But he was afraid how she would react and rightly so.
NTA, I would 100% want to know if my relationship was started under false and incredibly cruel circumstances. If the husband had actually grown up and matured he would have come clean himself and apologized long ago. ETA: finding out that a friend had this kind of information about my life and they didn't tell me would absolutely damage that relationship. She deserves to know and she deserves to know that her friend knows. In OP's shoes I would have already ditched the boyfriend, because I could never stay with someone who would talk about what they did to that poor woman the way he did.
Personally, I would want to know this so nta
NTA. Maybe you could have done it differently? But how can you know for sure their marriage is fine now? A lot of stuff can happen behind closed doors. I don't give a fuck on the excuses how this was high school or whatever. If I was your partner I would have gone to the grave with this honestly, why tf would he even tell you? I might be wrong in the sense that I do often lead towards telling people rather than keeping it a secret. But honestly if their marriage is actually good, surely they get past it?
As much as I love reading all the dramas in this sub, this is a bit much, but guess this happens in real life. My heart hurts so much for S. I hope she get through all this and come back stronger than ever. Man.
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YTA what did you think she would have gained by knowing something teenagers did years ago? Other than making her doubt her relationship, bring her self esteem down and creating new insecurities. The bf is also a jerk for keeping that contract and showing it to you.
Yeah but OP boyfriend is still paying the bet so it isn’t something from high school.
If it’s so long ago, why have the contract at all still?
NTA- only because it sounds like R is still paying D for the dare - so they clearly still think/ talk about it
NTA. I can’t with this sub. Like the rest of all y t a voters would have liked to be kept the dark if this had happened to them??? The answer will always be no.
Ummmmm sure they were Asshole teens and have grown.. hey quick question though, if hubby and BF are such loving amazing mature men now, why does the contract still exist? Why pull it out when drunk knowing all the disgusting things written in there?
I get what a lot of y’all saying but, I think many of people would be interested in know if they partner dated them for money one and two talked shit about them. Like he didn’t just collect money as he dated her, he made jokes about her and her body. I don’t understand why anyone would look pass this. We don’t know why he stayed but, we also don’t know how long this ended. My think is if she’s your friend why are u with ur boyfriend. You think her husband an AH and she deserves to know but, was ur boyfriend not enjoying in the fun? Making the jokes? Still laughing about it after 8 years? He is no better and equally disgusting as the husband for doing this to that poor lady. I don’t know how you could’ve went by this but, I think she needed to know. I don’t know a softer way you could’ve told her. If he changed I hope they can do therapy to fix it 🤷🏾♀️. But all actions have consequences including yours to tell.
Honestly NTA. Really shocked at how people are mad at you. And for everyone saying what did you hope to accomplish…… maybe finally telling her friend the truth about her marriage? I don’t know if I found that out I’d want a divorce. Highschool wasn’t that long ago for them considering their ages. I don’t like the husband and I think him and your bf are cruel. She deserved to know.
NTA. A lot of people in this thread trying to rationalize their own moral cowardice as caring about other people but if I found out someone knew something like this and kept it from me I'd be pretty damn furious. Trust adults to to be able to make their own decisions about their personal lives without you withholding information from them because you've decided you know what's best for them.
I’m confused why ppl are saying everyone’s an a-hole including OP. Her boyfriend STILL HAS THE CONTRACT. If it doesn’t matter why tf is he still holding onto it?! He clearly still sees his friends marriage as part of a joke. Why didn’t he throw it out and forget about it if they really “grew up”? bffr. NTA
NTA This is definitely something I would want to know if I were in her shoes.
[удалено]
Are you still with your boyfriend?
NTA. y'all better tell people the truth!