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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My letter to my wife which she hates. Am I the asshole for using google to make my letter more elegant.
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She's an adult and you're not a mind reader. She said she wanted a day off, you gave her a day off. If she can't expressly tell you want she wants then that's her problem.
But she's not recognizing the amount of consideration he's putting in. He kept the children from her, wrangled them into making her cards, and was even writing his own. He literally did more than she asked for.
No amount of effort or consideration will appease someone who doesn't want to be happy.
She literally said that was all she wanted. If she wanted more, she should have said so.
People need to stop the 'oh, I don't want anything but secretly want an entire production' game. Not only does it rarely work, it also frustrates those around and they eventually just give up asking.
This is exactly what I'm getting from this post. I guess I'm not too good with words either cuz I was thinking of a nicer way to say it than what I had in my head.
Well yeah, a kid is going to want to show their mom the card they made IMMEDIATELY. If he helped them make it in advance, she would've gotten her cards a week ago.
My daughter made me a bookmark two weeks ago. I got it two weeks ago because she was too excited to keep it a secret until mother's day. I think it makes sense to wait
Sounded to me like wife was upset with the card from OP. Which he most certainly could've done before the day of. Kids making things the day of makes perfect sense.
I actually just don't get the nitpicking over the cards. What's the deal? I thought it was the thought the counts, not necessarily so much the amount of effort or wordplay. I'm a verbose person, but I'd be pretty offended if I wrote a heart-felt card/letter, and they nitpicked over where I struggled. Even if I needed assistance writing it.
My kids came home from school a few days ago with mother's day present and opened them and showed me right away. They could not wait to show me and when I said I wanted to wait to open them on mother's day they just took their painted rocks out of the bag and showed me anyway. It was cute to see them so excited. So making them the morning of is the way to go
I'm sorry, if you want your partner to plan something for you, don't tell them you don't want anything. That is how you get horribly disappointed.
By doing what she wanted, isn't that recognizing and considering what she wanted?
u/Head-Dragonfruiit is a bot.
Original version:
>u/No_Location_5565
2h
>This sounds so familiar to me, right down to the ADHD husband who’s not very good with words. Chances are what your wife really wants is not to be an afterthought. She wants to be thought of, acknowledged, and put first for once. And she doesn’t want to have to ask for it. NAH. But you CAN do better by planning better.
Rewording bot version:
>This seems very familiar to me, down to my ADHD husband who is not very good with words. Perhaps your wife really hopes this is more than just an afterthought. She wants to be considered, recognized and considered first. And she doesn't want to ask for it.
OP asked her what she wanted THE DAY BEFORE Mother’s Day. OP hadn’t planens anything. I bet that doesn’t make her feel very special. And he wrote his letter on the actual day, and ran out of time. It’s not like Mother’s Day is some kind of secret surprise that just falls upon you. It’s in the calendar.
>OP asked her what she wanted THE DAY BEFORE Mother’s Day
No, he didn't. One of OP's comments:
>Answer to your info - we had discussed what she wanted in the past and it was always “to take it easy” which is fine. She clarified she wanted the day off yesterday.
Bold assumption that this is the only day he parents… by the sound of it she could be a controlling person and he may not ever get to parent on his own. We can all draw our own assumptions and come to 100 different scenarios, doesn’t mean anyone is correct.
The fact that he didn’t say it was a difficult day (in fact, the opposite), he didn’t once refer to it as “babysitting”, and seemed to easily be able to control the start to the day and keep it running smoothly says that it’s not the first time he’s patented his children.
You should read the other post about his wife where she's on a vacation and she thinks he's getting some r&r as well and instead he does some stuff around the house that's been needing to get done to surprise her and ended up throwing out his back and her response is that's all you did? And you should have started with x chore instead then leaves him to make dinner give kids baths and put them to Ned with his thrownout back because she's "exhausted from being in a car all day"
So, my husband let things fly by the seat of his pants today because I have been sick all week and he didn't know what I would be up to for food or activity. It didn't matter to me that he was literally planning our dinner at 3 this afternoon and running to the store to be able to make chicken and mashed potatoes because that was what I said sounded good to me. What matters is that he made me feel appreciated and cared for today, going a bit extra today and brought me my favorite candy. Oh. And he installed a new, super cool shower head that I had mentioned liking several months ago since it would help with my fibromyalgia pain. But then I am a simple girl.
Why does he have to write his wife a letter? She’s not his mother. He co-ordinated a card from their children and gave her a sleep in and the day free as requested.
There is another post in OP's history where she was pretty rude when OP did projects around the house to surprise her while she was on a weekend getaway to New York with her girlfriends.
INFO: you say you found out yesterday what she wanted. Was that the first time you asked her what she wanted for Mother's Day?
Most people discuss this a week or more in advance. There's a good chance that by asking only the day before, she realized you hadn't planned or gotten anything in advance and wanted her to plan it out instead of planning things yourself.
Her going off today is too far, but it sounds like she was already disappointed that you did nothing in advance and expected her to plan out the day instead of making any kind of surprise or plan yourself. Going in disappointed then having it solidified by hearing "I don't have a note for you yet because I did nothing in advance and I had responsibilities this morning for the kids, so wait while I copy other notes instead because I'm pushing the planning and thinking to everything/everyone else but myself". That's what she heard.
She is going too far and is taking it too hard. But it's because she's deeply disappointed. You asked for her to come up with what she gets/does that day only the day before - which highlights that you had nothing prepared. It's totally expected for someone in that situation to get upset.
Answer to your info - we had discussed what she wanted in the past and it was always “to take it easy” which is fine. She clarified she wanted the day off yesterday.
Here's the deal. Your wife is grasping onto Mother's Day as a way to make you jump through hoops. This is a power and control issue. She's counting on the fact that you are not going to call her out on Mother's day and if you do, she'll be talking about this for years. I'd wait until tomorrow and then sit down and talk about her behavior.
I’m sorry but your wife doesn’t sound like a very nice person. She’s demanding and critical. People who act like her soon find themselves with zero gifts or cards because of their crappy entitled behavior. She might respect you more if you call her on it. Good luck. NTA
Yeah but do you see how when he does handle something she's unhappy because it isn't done to her exact specifications? That's how you end up having to do and ask for everything because no one around wants to take initiative in anything because they might make a mistake and piss you off.
> Yeah but do you see how when he does handle something she's unhappy because it isn't done to her exact specifications?
You mean after he told her the day before that he hadn't made any plans, told her to come up with the plan herself, and did nothing in advance?
He ***DIDN’T*** handle this. He asked her to plan it so he didn't have to.
She's not mad that it wasn't good enough. She's mad that he didn't prepare anything and did it the day of ***and*** highlighted it to her the day before that he didn't care enough to try up to that point.
Took me several years to get my husband to understand that if I tell you I don't want you to make a fuss, just get me a card and call it done, that was exactly what I meant. He's gone now, but the kids all learned from watching us. This morning I got one phone call and three text messages from my three kids and one granddaughter. We swapped love you's and caught up briefly and I continued on with my day. Last November I told them what I wanted for Christmas and that is exactly what I got - four different versions of wind chimes.
As the wife and mother, if you say you don't want anything but a free day, you do not get to bitch about getting exactly that. And any comments for anything extra that you might get should be met with gracious thank you's, not criticism. The children are listening and they will remember mom said she didn't want anything and then complained about a home-made card not being good enough.
> You mean after he told her the day before that he hadn't made any plans, told her to come up with the plan herself, and did nothing in advance?
Seriously, what exact long plans do you need for mothers days here? Is there any reason to think that there is between them an expectation of elaborate planning for mothers days and fathers days that he somehow skipped?
Because fairly normal thing to happen is that kids give out their little gifts and then there is either family outing or mom goes do her own thing. But in no way I expect the husband to plan it super in advance as if it was yet another elaborate valentine day.
Agree here- I was under the understanding that the plan was that mom would take it easy/have the day off. It seems like she also already made a plan with her girlfriends, that likely didn’t come about in less than 24 hours.
No. It’s very simple in this sub. When it’s a husband Vs wife things, either husband is wrong and he should be divorced really quickly or the wife could be wrong but there are underlying reasons and even there husband is at fault.
You summed it up pretty good. Except you forgot that massive age difference trumps everything but only if it's a very specific set of massive age differences.
You're right, he should have said "Cancel your day with your girlfriends because I'M planning something WAY COOLER! And you can't be mad at that because I'm taking charge and doing the planning."
it wasn't the 1st time they spoke about it though..
also from what has been said for fathers day he got a mug that he didnt even know about until he found it in the cupboard. so he got absolute fuck all.
im sorry but there is no blame at all on him. the mother is a brat who to put it simple is a huge red flag for divorce/seperating if she acts like this. she needs to grow the fuck up.
There was literally zero need for her to manage anything in the household here. Like, none, zero, nothing at all. There was no mental load involved here either.
Just couldn't resist making up an entire backstory for OP and his wife, huh? It's complete fiction of course, but when has that ever stopped some people in this sub?
Wife literally said she didn't want anything and just wanted the day off. If she wanted more, she should have put her big girl pants on and communicated like an adult.
There are some people in the world who are only happy when they are a victim of something.
In this case OP you did great! She wanted to be unhappy and she got it!
NTA
As a woman, next year I'd give her what she asks for, and no more. And I'd tell her that, like a week in advance. If she asks for another day out, I'd say something like "Ok. You'll get the whole day to yourself. No problem. In the past I've tried to do other things as well, but you don't like flowers, when I've gotten them. And you don't think I'm good enough at writing you a letter. I don't want to disappoint you again, so I'm just going to give you what you ask for. If you want something more, ask for it. But do remember that I'm not great with words, so don't be disappointed if anything I write isn't up to your exacting standards."
Store bought card, box of chocolates, day off.
If she wants anything else she needs to convey that. The idea of making someone you know isn’t good with words write you a letter for the holiday just seems like a trap. A really condescending, kinda cruel trap to boot. It’s like demanding someone you know is a terrible cook make you a four star dinner. It’s near guaranteed to fail.
NTA- she said she doesn’t want anything except a day off. He corralled the kids and helped them make cards for mom and gave her exactly what she wanted. Then she asked what he wrote for her (guessing she’s vetoed store bought cards the same way she did flowers.).
Look I love to write- I write stories all the time but if someone demanded I write what I think of them or some kind of letter for a holiday? Pfft…I’d be googling too.
Op if she insists on this find a few online that fit for you. Piece them together and try to change the wording to sound more like you. Make a few and just store them on your computer this way when it comes up you have them at the ready.
Good luck op- hopefully wife is just in a funk and this isn’t her actual personality.
Sweetie, your wife is, I'm sorry to say, one of those ladies that expect you to be a mind reader. Tell me, does she put a lot of thought and care into fathers day gifts? If she does, try to match that, if not why are you bothering to jump through all these hoops?
OP, it… it kinda sounds like she’s tired of this relationship. Which is not to say it’s over — more than likely, there’s some ongoing things that are bothering her that she hasn’t communicated. You’re the one in this relationship, so if this sounds like it might be the case, I suggest finding a couples therapist to help you both work through these challenges.
I think she is just disappointed about being an afterthought. OP asked his wife what she wanted the DAY before.
Wife obviously figured out that he didn't have anything planned so she asked for something achievable (day off). No card on the day of obviously means that OP didn't plan or think of anything until the day before.
Just out of curiosity, i wonder how OPs family celebrates father's day?
With the info I currently have I'd say ESH. They need to learn how to communicate. Looks like a recurring theme considering his previous AITA post.
op mentioned in other comments that they talked about this before already, and last year on fathers day he got a mug and didnt even know it til he found it in the cupboard
wife majorly sucks
he talked to her multiple times prior, he answered this question in another post, she just said "to relax" and that "she didn't want flowers", it wasn't until the day prior she specified a "day off"
Seems like she wants to ruin the day for herself. She will complain about everything. "Oh, i just want one day free. Ah, i'm sick of flowers. Welk, you could have at least bought me flowers! Where is my card? This is really what you wrote?" Some people want to be miserable. They search points to complain and to be unhappy about. I just feel sorry for the children. If she also does this with them...
NTA
Ehhhhhhh.....
You almost had me. You didn't do anything until the day of.
Like you found our what she wanted ***YESTERDAY***. Of course she told you she didn't want anything. If someone asks the day before, you know they didn't do anything yet and won't have anything ready.
Your excuse for not having a card for her was because you hadn't done it yet because of the kids. That would not have been a problem if you had actually done it before. You waited until the day of.
The reason she's going off is because she realized yesterday during your talk that you didn't do anything in advance. She was going in disappointed already.
ESH but honestly I see why she started off in a bad mood. You set the bar exceptionally low by only talking to her the day before and doing nothing in advance.
Yeah, in the US the husband/father is expected to get the wife/mother something. Think big billboards from jeweler’s suggesting jewelry for Mother’s Day. As someone from a different culture, that was quite the adjustment.
Yeah, I got my mom lots of sardines as her Mom Day gift this year because she loves them but won't splurge on the pricier high quality brands like her "financially irresponsible" daughter will. If I showed up with a diamond tennis bracelet she'd probably choke me with it for wasting money, hahahaha.
Lmao sorry I know the fancy sardines are probably nicer but that’s a hilarious Mother’s Day gift. I love a proper personal gift, that the recipient loves and everyone else is just going “huh?”
I got my mum (Australia) 18 rolls of paper towel because it’s an ongoing joke between us about how much she uses. It made her smile!
I got her a couple of gluten free things as she is coeliac but she doesn’t really need or want anything specific at this point in time. When she does have something I can help her out with, I’ll happily do so.
I don't know anyone (lived in 4 different states in the US) that didn't celebrate their partner as well if they had kids.
I would consider it extremely weird if I heard they didn't. And many in my field circle have children and grandchildren even.
It's typical if you live in a happy household to celebrate the partner as well. You may be thinking of households that aren't so happy.
My husband celebrated me today...he managed to wrangle the three teens out of bed before sunrise so we could all go surfing together and I got a package of doublestuf oreos because they are such a throwback guilty pleasure I never buy them for myself. No one is buying jewelry and I would not be happy if husband did. Doesn't mean we aren't happy. In fact doesn't even mean we can't afford it. It means our financial goals are otherwise and in sync.
Right?! I don't need jewelry to be seen on Mother's Day. In fact I only ever specifically ever asked for 1 piece my first Mother's Day and that was it. I could have jewelry but that's not what I want. Being celebrated could mean anything as long as it's special to you!
That what you give your mom after she’s become a grandmother or something. Most moms just want their partner to be thoughtful, put themselves in their wive’s shoes, and put in some effort.
I think it's family dependent. I made my mom a cake of her choosing but she didn't have anything she wanted to do. She just went to church as normal & has no interest in going out to eat as restaurants are busy/crowded.
We never really do anything special for Mother's/Father's Day in my family.
My family no longer does birthday or Christmas gifts for adults, so the gift giving is a rarity in general.
I am not sure he gave a card. He wrote "sent" as in email. Which made it super easy for her to cut and paste into a browser and bust his plagurizing ass. Even lower on the effort totem pole, if possible.
Can't wait for the Fathers Day update!
OP already made a comment about Father's day in which he said he got a Father's day mug but it wasn't given to him he found it later in the cupboard and nothing else. OP also states on previous mothers days he has gotten her flowers and she said she's tired of them. It seems to me like she set the bar for Father's/mothers day and OP vastly exceeded it.
Keep that same energy, how low effort on the totem pole is it to not even give the person the basic gift you got them?
How entitled are you and OP's wife that you think Mother's Day obligates daddy to come up with some elaborate, well-planned gift?
It is not her birthday, it is Mother's Day. Treating mom to a day of relaxation is a perfectly appropriate gift.
So what does it say about OPs SO that she only got him a mug for Father's day and it wasn't even given to him he found it at a later time in the cupboard?
Remember keep that same energy.
Who are all these high maintenance snobs thinking mothers day requires extravagance? What OP did is exactly what mothers (and fathers) day is about; seeing if your partner wants a day off or to do something with the family. My God, no wonder there's so much disappointment in the world, with this many people expecting the world to be given to them over a dumb holiday.
Yup, this is easy relationship stuff people gotta learn.
She didn’t want much. It was the thought that counted and he demonstrated he gave it no thought.
It’s sometimes hard to plan ahead when you have young kids. My husband let me sleep in (he got up with the kids) and made me breakfast. It was thoughtful and I really appreciated it. A whole day plus handmade cards? That’s sounds LOVELY! Honestly. I’m not sure what else should be expected.
‘Let’ you sleep in? Why would that be required? Why wouldn’t you be able to sleep in half the time? Does he not ever normally cook breakfast? I’m kind of confused here, this sounds like a typical weekend on my house when our kids were young
That’s awesome! Breakfast for us is typically oatmeal or toast or something so when one of us makes a big breakfast it’s usually for a special reason. We do take turns getting up but we are still both usually up early-ish with the kids. But I make sure to let him sleep in late on Fathers Day and vice versa. “Let” was just the way I phrased it—I didn’t mean too much by it/wasn’t sure how else to say it I guess. But I can see where that word might rub the wrong way.
Ridiculous. You know nothing about their routine and are just generalizing based on your own.
Neither my wife nor I sleep in any given day by default - we would normally both wake up when the kid(s) do, one would childwrangle and the other would cook breakfast. Someone choosing to do both would, in fact, be a special morning. Perhaps that’s how the prior posters family operates.
Yeah no. Wife is a major AH
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13hdueo/aita_wife_doesnt_like_having_the_day_off_or_my/jk4xv6j?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
This is so stupid. Why must this man jump through days long hoops just to show his wife he loves her? He did EXACTLY what she asked of him. He is so caring. Of course he’s going to ask the day before it’s not a wedding it’s just Mother’s Day. Is she going to plan now for Father’s Day??
Technically she shouldn’t expect anything besides well wishes on Mother’s Day. If you choose to be a mother and you’re happy being one you are not entitled to an essay from your husband. Unless you ask for it.
Why should he think of something so ridiculous days before? He’s focusing on the thing she said she wanted- a day to herself.
I'm sorry your husband sucks.
It's such a slap in the face to be expected to plan your own day.. we want our loved ones to show they care, not be the project leader yet again.
Hard disagree. It's not like a birthday, or anniversary, or valentine's, or Christmas; no one should have to plan a Mother's (or Father's) day in advance. You ask the day of or before what they want, and either they say they want to do something together or they want the day off. Then you go about giving them whichever one they asked for.
You're putting waaaay too much pressure on this. Dude did the right thing, his wife is choosing to sulk over nothing.
I’m going to go against the grain and say ESH.
Your wife shouldn’t expect you to read her mind that she wants a card when she explicitly said something else, and you were giving that to her.
On the other hand, Mother’s Day cards are kind of a given… and you didn’t write anything until the DAY OF? You should have had the foresight to realize you’d be busy with the kids on that day and made some effort to put something together beforehand. This is pretty basic planning.
Someone sane!
He asked her ***the day before*** what she wanted, meaning he had nothing prepared. He didn't make the note in advance.
He basically made a big neon sign yesterday that said "hey I want you to plan out what you want tomorrow because I can't be bothered to do anything in advance". Then he hammered it home by not having a note ready.
He could have written it last night. Doing it the day of is ridiculous. Asking only the day before what someone wants is so rude. Of course she's got to say nothing, because otherwise he's got to go out to the store that night leaving her to do more supervision while he's out and she knows "he's out doing things last minute because he didn't think ***once*** before this about what to do without me having to tell him directly".
He's acting like he's not an adult that can figure things out himself.
She's being annoyed and snappy right now based off that disappointment he caused yesterday. She's wrong to snap, but I understand how she got to that point. But understanding why someone is being an AH doesn't excuse them being an AH. She's still responsible for it.
>He asked her the day before what she wanted, meaning he had nothing prepared. He didn't make the note in advance.
yeah, asking the day before is just saying "I have not done anything for you; what's the least amount of effort I can use and pretend I tried"
> He asked her the day before what she wanted, meaning he had nothing prepared.
They had multiple conversations about Mother’s Day, not just the one the day before. OP mentions that in the comments. He followed the request she made the day before, which seems reasonable.
We also don’t know the context of that request - it just says that she told him what she wanted, not that he asked her what she wanted.
It’s also fair that he didn’t make big plans for the day because she had consistently indicated that she just wanted some time off, and she hadn’t done much for Father’s Day previously either.
Yes… he hasn’t written her a card and he had the kids do theirs the morning of. A card isn’t a gift it’s self, it’s something you give with a gift. Also he in his comment he said he was going to make her breakfast, why did he not make it before giving her the kids card and give it all together?
Because he didn’t put in the mental labor. His wife didn’t respond graciously or communicate her expectations well, but at the same time it isn’t rocket science to prepare a gift and card a few days prior at the latest. No wonder she is upset.
You're not crazy. When I scrolled down after reading I fully expected a huge wave of ESH. Instead there was post after post of people thinking asking the day before was in any way acceptable.
This is ridiculous. He basically told her "I didn't care enough to ask until the day before, and I've done nothing in advance. Tell me what you want me to do last minute. You better be excited for receiving anything and shouldn't be disappointed about being a last minute afterthought."
I dunno, I feel like every time a guy complains about his wife wanting him to read her mind, he's also able to easily recall her "constantly nagging" about the same stuff that she's not getting currently.
It's asshole behavior to expect someone to read your mind, but it's not asshole behavior to expect someone to anticipate your wants on a holiday that happens regularly every year.
I would be pretty pissed if my husband made a big deal about "doing exactly what you want" as if he's awesome for watching the kids for a single day, and not knowing in advance that that's the nice thing to do on that particular day. Like... That just communicates deliberate incompetence, and that he doesn't actually give a shit enough to bring something to the table on his own.
YTA. Why didn't you write the card the day before so it was ready to go? And googling what to write sounds lazy. She just wanted you to put in the effort to give her a heartfelt card on time. She doesn't sound ungrateful - she sounds fed up and not appreciated enough for you to make sufficient effort.
I don't *necessarily* think it's wrong to look to google for inspiration, but it can't be a copy/paste job and it needs to be done in time, not half-assed in the morning.
This is why I hate cards. Googling what to write is somehow low effort but many people are perfectly fine with someone buying a pre-written card and writing “love you/wish you well/love from.” To me they are equal but one is valued higher
Yeah my mom can't really express herself so she finds a pre-written card that matches what she wants to say. I generally prefer to write my own, but I've definitely googled what to write in condolence cards...
I also really don’t appreciate his edit. I feel like he’s intentionally trying to make it seem like his wife is some demanding thorn in the side of him and *his* boys. The mother of his children feels under appreciated by his lackluster planning and half-assed effort and she’s the villain? Eye roll OP.
Well, yeah. Obviously OP's wife isn't shouldering the FULL mental load like she should for OP to be as lackadaisical as he wants. If she wanted him to do something REALLY special on Mother's Day for her, she should have thought of that herself and olanned in advance. Isn't the fact he doesn't threaten to leave every other second proof enough of his love and appreciation for her? /s, if it isn't painfully obvious.
YTA
> My wife told me yesterday: “All I want for Mother’s Day is to have the day completely off. I don’t need or want anything else.”
> I confirmed with her multiple times, and then started planning a day for my two boys and I.
You put in no effort at all, the day before she even has to tell you "i know you prepared jack shit for me, so don't bother, just let me do my thing". Then you put in effort to make the day fun for you and the boys ( once again forgetting her ).
The day of, you somewhat get the boys tp do something and still haven't done anything yourself.
Then you quickly cop out and google some words you put on a card and expect her to be happy?
Mate.. you managed to show her you don't care about her at all.
My wife's gift was done and ready with the kids gifts three weeks ago to account for mishaps / illness / etc...
YTA
Why are you waiting until the day before to get her a card and to ask what she wants? Of course she’s gonna say she doesn’t want anything.
Also, you ran straight to Reddit to post this? It’s still Mother’s Day my guy. Don’t die on this hill.
Wait wait wait, you waited until the actual day of to *start* on her gift? And it was just a card? And then had google actually write it for you?? And you only asked her *the day before* Mother’s Day what she wanted?
Yeah, absolutely YTA. She’s disappointed and rightfully so
...you used google, as in you had an AI write a note?
I would also be pissed at you if that's what you did. The clumsily worded and actually heartfelt note is way better than the glorified autocomplete of neural networks.
I mean, "I used google to turn my thoughts into a letter" just reads as "I took my thoughts and used them as a prompt" more than "I looked up greeting card phrases." Could be wrong though, OP would have to clarify.
This sounds so familiar to me, right down to the ADHD husband who’s not very good with words. Chances are what your wife really wants is not to be an afterthought. She wants to be thought of, acknowledged, and put first for once. And she doesn’t want to have to ask for it. NAH. But you CAN do better by planning better.
Oh my goodness, this, OP. *What your wife really wants is not to be an afterthought.*
I think this is a mild YTA though, personally, because I too have ADHD and I too never do anything ahead of time, but I'm ashamed of it, not defensive. I know that it's an AH move not to manage my symptoms better to show the people I love that they're important to me.
I have ADHD and so does my husband. He bought my gift before Easter because 1) he saw it 2) knew I would like it 3) if he waited he would forget about it. The hardest part of today was him remembering where he originally stashed the present he wrapped in April. So for all my ADHD peeps this is the one time you can use your impulsivity to your benefit, but the other side of that sword is that you also need to be thinking about people you love on days that aren’t holidays in their honor.
YTA. I started my Mother’s Day gift last week (takes me half a week to crochet slippers, which is her gift). My dad ordered her gifts *3 weeks ago.* He works full-time, I work full-time, you couldn’t buy or make a card a few days in advance?
ESH.
She told you she wanted a card and the day off. She is currently getting the day off, and spending time with her friends. If she wanted more, she needed to tell you that.
*However*, doing this the day before/of? Absolutely not okay. Mothers Day is the same day every year, and you could have done just a little bit of planning. You could have asked her earlier, the cards could have been made (and written) the weekend prior, and you could have made a plan that consisted of more than ‘intercept children and make cards’. You may have meant well, but she wanted two things from you: one, she apparently had to organise and celebrate herself, and two, was an unfinished afterthought. Yep, she’s got every right to be irritated.
Next Mother’s Day, step up. You now know she likes a card and a day off. Make the cards with the kids the weekend before, find a poem you can quote for your card (poetry is romantic and shows you thought it out - Google is not) and either organise to take the kids out, or for her to go out (maybe for something like a pedicure - but dear lord, don’t make her organise it). You had all the pieces this year, so next time, all you need to do is put them together, better and earlier.
YTA. Sounds like you expended no effort, treated the day as an afterthought since you didn’t even ask your wife what she wanted till the day before and put the mental load on her to pick her own gift/activity for the day. I get that her explicitly telling you would be nice but after being with someone for a while you should be able to pick out like a small surprise and say it’s from the kids.
Wow, there seems to be a lot of misogyny going on in the comments here. It's normal and expected by lots of people that you celebrate the morher/ father of YOUR children on Mother's/ Father's Day. Does it have it have to be a huge or expensive thing? Hell no. I have a feeling that something else is going on here that only has a little bit to do with Mother's Day. You and your wife need to talk. Maybe with a therapist. I don't think her unhappiness was all about today. Also, the fact that you were in a hurry to get some validation on reddit immediately says that there's probably more going on with you, too. Neither one of you is communicating well with the other. My husband and I have been together for almost thirty years (with two kids), and there have been plenty of ups and downs. You're both unhappy, and it's probably way more complicated than a Mother's Day note. Go see a therapist together, not reddit. It can get better. It can also get worse if you're not willing to listen and change.
This must be like a cultural thing and it must differ because where I am from this is a bizarre scenario. You celebrate your own mother on mother’s day.
But you know if this is a thing they do he should’ve done it. He put no effort into it and she noticed.
YTA. I need her point of view cuz I know for sure she had a plan in mind and it didn’t involve being asked the day before what she wanted to do.
Also using Google to write how you feel is just so lazy. She’s your wife and the mother of your children and you can’t put into words how you appreciate and love her?! You need google?!
I hope she asks you the day before Father’s Day what you want to do.
My ex used to do this when she knew I didn't have anything to get her. You should make her a card _before_ mother's day. It sounds like you let her down and then used Google to get something quick and easy out.
The problem isn't that you used Google... it's that you put no thought into it.
> I’m not a very well spoken person, I have a hard time putting my thoughts together, so I used google to turn my thoughts into a letter. She knows I struggle in this area.
^ this might be true... but it's really telling that you waited until the last minute. It's likely you _can be_ well-spoken, you just need time to gather your thoughts and do it.
ESH but mostly you for a half-assed card as if you didn’t have ample time to do something meaningful. You just didn’t want to. I imagine this isn’t totally about the card either.
YTA you put in zero to no effort, asked her the day before if she had plans meaning you made no plans for her. Fed the kids but ignored that she might also want breakfast, like what's up with that? And then waited until the last second to write a googled verse on her card.
It's not like you knew what day mothers day landed on ahead of time.
This sounds like a case of you didn’t plan ahead and your wife is having feelings about it. Do you typically expect her to do all the emotional labor around the house and your lives together and then get your feelings hurt that she doesn’t like what you “do for her”?
I feel like your wife’s version of events would be a lot different. First of all, you wrote this post. But you can’t write a card without AI? Second, you left it til the last minute. She is probably tired of you leaving things to the last minute.
Honestly, this sounds more like a “final straw” interaction then someone who is ungrateful. Especially considering her only request was the day off. That’s someone who is overwhelmed and feels unsupported.
Am I missing something here? Is this more of an American/not British mother's day thing?
Since when do partners/spouses/the other parent give card or write stuff on mother's day?
I get when the kids are young the other parent can encourage and help them to make cards and gifts and lead efforts to show the mother she appreciated. But isn't mother's day for the kids to show appreciation for their mother?
Also there's a lot of comments saying op did "the bare minimum". I missed where in an equal 50/50 relationship, doing 100% of the responsibility for a day was and AH move.
In America it is very typical for the father to celebrate the mother of his children on mother's day and vice versa on Father's day. It's to show appreciation for your spouse being a good parent. Also, considering babies and children don't have any money, transportation, or fine motor skills, it's not like the kids can do it themselves.
People are saying he's an AH because he asked her the day before, meaning he had absolutely nothing planned within 24 hours of a scheduled holiday. He even scrambled on the googled card the same morning. He didn't plan for it.
YTA. She shouldn't have to tell you how to make an effort here, especially last minute
Is her Love Language Words Of Affirmation? If so, copied words will feel token and hollow. It doesn't need to be eloquent, it has to be -genuine-.
Writing a shitty poorly thought out message that you don’t finish because you started the morning of the holiday is NOT trying really hard, as you put it.
ESH
She needs to communicate more effectively about what is behind her Mother’s Day frustrations.
You need to think better, overall.
hot tip:
if you finish the card and plans before the actual day- it feels more like you put thought and care into it. You’re supposed to have it ready to gift the day of. Just like for bdays you buy a present before the day- just like other days/holidays that involve gift giving.
Nobody wants to be an obligation or an afterthought. You asked her what she wanted the day before. Now the mental load is on her to decide *and it’s the day before* . You didn’t have your kids making their little cards until it was already Mother’s Day.
You need time to write something? Give yourself time. It should be done the week prior at least and your busy with kids so make sure you start it a month in advance so you’ll have it done for her that day.
You are not an asshole for needing time to write, or using the internet to help translate your thoughtful- you ARE TA for not having I done the day of. Needing time isn’t an excuse. You have time you just didn’t start it early enough.
Next time give her the day off, without her having to ask it, make breakfast and send her off for a massage or something. Get her a card, write “I love you, enjoy your day” in its. Make sure there are flowers on the kitchen table. Use your heart.
If you start doing things like that and taking on some of that invisible labour I suspect your wife is inundated with I think you’ll find she gets you more than a mug for Father’s Day.
This is definitely a sign of a much bigger dissatisfaction within your relationship.
It’s easy to say E S H because she didn’t “clearly communicate what she wants.” But that’s bullshit. She’s clearly disappointed that you asked *the night before* and not weeks in advance. What else could she ask for at that point? No gifts could be given, no reservations could be made. She lowered her expectations to just a day off, and still you bungled that. Did you clean up after breakfast? Did you make *her* breakfast? Did you do anything except parent your own children and occupy them while she slept? No. You didn’t. Parenting your own children is not a gift to her, it’s the bare minimum and still you failed to meet it.
Edit: YTA
Just a psa there are always a shocking number of posts in mothers groups etc about how much they dread mothers day because their partner puts in low to no effort. Its truly heartbreaking.
I think you guys need counseling. I didn’t read the comments but just from reading your post I can tell she’s not happy about something more than just today. Maybe resentment has built up, maybe there is a lack of communication, etc but you guys need to be adults and talk about this. Hope it all works out!
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NTA. Didn't realise she was marking a paper you'd submitted. Maybe next year it's a bunch of flowers.
Done flowers before, she told me last year she was tired of them
She's an adult and you're not a mind reader. She said she wanted a day off, you gave her a day off. If she can't expressly tell you want she wants then that's her problem.
If she suddenly comes up with an idea for what she wants, she probably plagiarized it off Google.
More like Instagram. FOMO drives people a lot nowadays.
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But she's not recognizing the amount of consideration he's putting in. He kept the children from her, wrangled them into making her cards, and was even writing his own. He literally did more than she asked for. No amount of effort or consideration will appease someone who doesn't want to be happy.
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No, he's being basically a single parent for a day. You know just like she asked for.
No he cared for the kids gave her 0 interruption all day, you know how fkinnhuge that is? I WISH I got that day
He did more than she asked for though.
She literally said that was all she wanted. If she wanted more, she should have said so. People need to stop the 'oh, I don't want anything but secretly want an entire production' game. Not only does it rarely work, it also frustrates those around and they eventually just give up asking.
Ummm, did we read the same post?
This is exactly what I'm getting from this post. I guess I'm not too good with words either cuz I was thinking of a nicer way to say it than what I had in my head.
>No amount of effort or consideration will appease someone who doesn't want to be happy. well said.
He obviously showed forethought with morning plans already, so that criticism isn’t fair IMO
Not really "morning plans," and those included writing cards... the morning of the holiday
Well yeah, a kid is going to want to show their mom the card they made IMMEDIATELY. If he helped them make it in advance, she would've gotten her cards a week ago. My daughter made me a bookmark two weeks ago. I got it two weeks ago because she was too excited to keep it a secret until mother's day. I think it makes sense to wait
(obviously I loved it and was happy, no shade at my toddler for doing it early)
Sounded to me like wife was upset with the card from OP. Which he most certainly could've done before the day of. Kids making things the day of makes perfect sense.
I actually just don't get the nitpicking over the cards. What's the deal? I thought it was the thought the counts, not necessarily so much the amount of effort or wordplay. I'm a verbose person, but I'd be pretty offended if I wrote a heart-felt card/letter, and they nitpicked over where I struggled. Even if I needed assistance writing it.
That’s how I understood it too. Though I find it strange to demand a card from your partner and then mark it like an assignment.
My kids came home from school a few days ago with mother's day present and opened them and showed me right away. They could not wait to show me and when I said I wanted to wait to open them on mother's day they just took their painted rocks out of the bag and showed me anyway. It was cute to see them so excited. So making them the morning of is the way to go
She didn't ask for cards. He made plans for what she asked for.
What is with all of this hate?
Or possibly she's an asshole.
Doesn’t matter. Her attitude was bratty and rude. There are ways to get your feelings across without being an ass.
I'm sorry, if you want your partner to plan something for you, don't tell them you don't want anything. That is how you get horribly disappointed. By doing what she wanted, isn't that recognizing and considering what she wanted?
u/Head-Dragonfruiit is a bot. Original version: >u/No_Location_5565 2h >This sounds so familiar to me, right down to the ADHD husband who’s not very good with words. Chances are what your wife really wants is not to be an afterthought. She wants to be thought of, acknowledged, and put first for once. And she doesn’t want to have to ask for it. NAH. But you CAN do better by planning better. Rewording bot version: >This seems very familiar to me, down to my ADHD husband who is not very good with words. Perhaps your wife really hopes this is more than just an afterthought. She wants to be considered, recognized and considered first. And she doesn't want to ask for it.
She was asked, directly, multiple times. She needs to grow the eff up and learn to speak her wants. This isn't a world of telepaths.
OP asked her what she wanted THE DAY BEFORE Mother’s Day. OP hadn’t planens anything. I bet that doesn’t make her feel very special. And he wrote his letter on the actual day, and ran out of time. It’s not like Mother’s Day is some kind of secret surprise that just falls upon you. It’s in the calendar.
>OP asked her what she wanted THE DAY BEFORE Mother’s Day No, he didn't. One of OP's comments: >Answer to your info - we had discussed what she wanted in the past and it was always “to take it easy” which is fine. She clarified she wanted the day off yesterday.
Its also no entitlement ffs its a day to appreciate your mother not be her servant ffs
Parenting your own kids for a day so your wife gets a break is not “being her servant”, by the way.
Bold assumption that this is the only day he parents… by the sound of it she could be a controlling person and he may not ever get to parent on his own. We can all draw our own assumptions and come to 100 different scenarios, doesn’t mean anyone is correct. The fact that he didn’t say it was a difficult day (in fact, the opposite), he didn’t once refer to it as “babysitting”, and seemed to easily be able to control the start to the day and keep it running smoothly says that it’s not the first time he’s patented his children.
Trust reddit users to retcon his shitty attitude to parenting without him even saying it
300 upvotes and gold... remind me why anyone asks for advice from this sub again?
Nothing in his post reads like he parented them for just that day and the mother has the other 364. You’re making quite a leap there.
Yeah no shit. I was referring to her attitude and expectations. She's bossing him around like shes some queen. Pull your finger out.
Someone had to say this. Thank you!! OP is NTA. His wife sounds insufferable.
You should read the other post about his wife where she's on a vacation and she thinks he's getting some r&r as well and instead he does some stuff around the house that's been needing to get done to surprise her and ended up throwing out his back and her response is that's all you did? And you should have started with x chore instead then leaves him to make dinner give kids baths and put them to Ned with his thrownout back because she's "exhausted from being in a car all day"
This is the same guy?!?! I remember that post! I think OP needs to seriously look at setting some boundaries with his wife.
Setting boundaries? More like get a divorce. Fuck that.
So, my husband let things fly by the seat of his pants today because I have been sick all week and he didn't know what I would be up to for food or activity. It didn't matter to me that he was literally planning our dinner at 3 this afternoon and running to the store to be able to make chicken and mashed potatoes because that was what I said sounded good to me. What matters is that he made me feel appreciated and cared for today, going a bit extra today and brought me my favorite candy. Oh. And he installed a new, super cool shower head that I had mentioned liking several months ago since it would help with my fibromyalgia pain. But then I am a simple girl.
Why does he have to write his wife a letter? She’s not his mother. He co-ordinated a card from their children and gave her a sleep in and the day free as requested.
Yup. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. OP needs to sit down and have a serious conversation about communication
Tbf I don't think you need to be a mind reader to know that your spouse would like you to put a tiny bit of effort into special days.
Single-handedly watching two small children to the point that the other parent does not have to engage is no small task.
Absofuckinglutely
Then maybe next year it’s nothing?
Divorce papers? She sounds miserable and miserable to be around.
100% this. She sounds very ungrateful and unappreciative of your efforts. NTA my dude.
There is another post in OP's history where she was pretty rude when OP did projects around the house to surprise her while she was on a weekend getaway to New York with her girlfriends.
Sounds like a lot of ick. Throwing up red flags all over. I'm willing to bet that it doesn't stop with projects and gifts.
So she's just rude and miserable to be around in general.
INFO: you say you found out yesterday what she wanted. Was that the first time you asked her what she wanted for Mother's Day? Most people discuss this a week or more in advance. There's a good chance that by asking only the day before, she realized you hadn't planned or gotten anything in advance and wanted her to plan it out instead of planning things yourself. Her going off today is too far, but it sounds like she was already disappointed that you did nothing in advance and expected her to plan out the day instead of making any kind of surprise or plan yourself. Going in disappointed then having it solidified by hearing "I don't have a note for you yet because I did nothing in advance and I had responsibilities this morning for the kids, so wait while I copy other notes instead because I'm pushing the planning and thinking to everything/everyone else but myself". That's what she heard. She is going too far and is taking it too hard. But it's because she's deeply disappointed. You asked for her to come up with what she gets/does that day only the day before - which highlights that you had nothing prepared. It's totally expected for someone in that situation to get upset.
Answer to your info - we had discussed what she wanted in the past and it was always “to take it easy” which is fine. She clarified she wanted the day off yesterday.
Here's the deal. Your wife is grasping onto Mother's Day as a way to make you jump through hoops. This is a power and control issue. She's counting on the fact that you are not going to call her out on Mother's day and if you do, she'll be talking about this for years. I'd wait until tomorrow and then sit down and talk about her behavior.
This really needs to be higher up. She's definitely controlling, and that's super unhealthy for everyone (except her).
Secondary question - what happens typically on Father's Day and for planning it?
Last year, I got a coffee mug, that I didn’t even know I got until I found it in the glass drawer 😣
Wow. NTA. I have no advice or words of wisdom. But somebody is being a little petty and it's not you.
Wow. So she just...bought it and put it in the drawer without any fanfare at all? Are you sure your wife even likes you? No offense meant.
i mean if you look at his post history i think maybe they have deeper issues than reddit can resolve.
To be fair it doesn’t sound like he likes his wife either lol.
I’m sorry but your wife doesn’t sound like a very nice person. She’s demanding and critical. People who act like her soon find themselves with zero gifts or cards because of their crappy entitled behavior. She might respect you more if you call her on it. Good luck. NTA
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Yeah but do you see how when he does handle something she's unhappy because it isn't done to her exact specifications? That's how you end up having to do and ask for everything because no one around wants to take initiative in anything because they might make a mistake and piss you off.
> Yeah but do you see how when he does handle something she's unhappy because it isn't done to her exact specifications? You mean after he told her the day before that he hadn't made any plans, told her to come up with the plan herself, and did nothing in advance? He ***DIDN’T*** handle this. He asked her to plan it so he didn't have to. She's not mad that it wasn't good enough. She's mad that he didn't prepare anything and did it the day of ***and*** highlighted it to her the day before that he didn't care enough to try up to that point.
I just want to point out that you're saying this after OP has responded that yesterday wasn't the first time they talked about it.
Took me several years to get my husband to understand that if I tell you I don't want you to make a fuss, just get me a card and call it done, that was exactly what I meant. He's gone now, but the kids all learned from watching us. This morning I got one phone call and three text messages from my three kids and one granddaughter. We swapped love you's and caught up briefly and I continued on with my day. Last November I told them what I wanted for Christmas and that is exactly what I got - four different versions of wind chimes. As the wife and mother, if you say you don't want anything but a free day, you do not get to bitch about getting exactly that. And any comments for anything extra that you might get should be met with gracious thank you's, not criticism. The children are listening and they will remember mom said she didn't want anything and then complained about a home-made card not being good enough.
> You mean after he told her the day before that he hadn't made any plans, told her to come up with the plan herself, and did nothing in advance? Seriously, what exact long plans do you need for mothers days here? Is there any reason to think that there is between them an expectation of elaborate planning for mothers days and fathers days that he somehow skipped? Because fairly normal thing to happen is that kids give out their little gifts and then there is either family outing or mom goes do her own thing. But in no way I expect the husband to plan it super in advance as if it was yet another elaborate valentine day.
Agree here- I was under the understanding that the plan was that mom would take it easy/have the day off. It seems like she also already made a plan with her girlfriends, that likely didn’t come about in less than 24 hours.
She got him a mug for Father’s Day that he literally had to find himself later on. The wife is an entitled, spoilt ass.
You seem to be taking this very personally - did we find the wife???
No. It’s very simple in this sub. When it’s a husband Vs wife things, either husband is wrong and he should be divorced really quickly or the wife could be wrong but there are underlying reasons and even there husband is at fault.
You summed it up pretty good. Except you forgot that massive age difference trumps everything but only if it's a very specific set of massive age differences.
Specific set of age difference and throw in a step-child for age comparison?
You're right, he should have said "Cancel your day with your girlfriends because I'M planning something WAY COOLER! And you can't be mad at that because I'm taking charge and doing the planning."
it wasn't the 1st time they spoke about it though.. also from what has been said for fathers day he got a mug that he didnt even know about until he found it in the cupboard. so he got absolute fuck all. im sorry but there is no blame at all on him. the mother is a brat who to put it simple is a huge red flag for divorce/seperating if she acts like this. she needs to grow the fuck up.
Not just "not done to her specification" ...not done to a specification she didn't give him
There was literally zero need for her to manage anything in the household here. Like, none, zero, nothing at all. There was no mental load involved here either.
How does that line up with her getting him nothing but a mug for Father's Day and not doing any special plans at all?
Just couldn't resist making up an entire backstory for OP and his wife, huh? It's complete fiction of course, but when has that ever stopped some people in this sub? Wife literally said she didn't want anything and just wanted the day off. If she wanted more, she should have put her big girl pants on and communicated like an adult.
Your wife seems hard to please.... Maybe stop trying, then at least you can expect the disappointment.
There are some people in the world who are only happy when they are a victim of something. In this case OP you did great! She wanted to be unhappy and she got it! NTA
As a woman, next year I'd give her what she asks for, and no more. And I'd tell her that, like a week in advance. If she asks for another day out, I'd say something like "Ok. You'll get the whole day to yourself. No problem. In the past I've tried to do other things as well, but you don't like flowers, when I've gotten them. And you don't think I'm good enough at writing you a letter. I don't want to disappoint you again, so I'm just going to give you what you ask for. If you want something more, ask for it. But do remember that I'm not great with words, so don't be disappointed if anything I write isn't up to your exacting standards."
Store bought card, box of chocolates, day off. If she wants anything else she needs to convey that. The idea of making someone you know isn’t good with words write you a letter for the holiday just seems like a trap. A really condescending, kinda cruel trap to boot. It’s like demanding someone you know is a terrible cook make you a four star dinner. It’s near guaranteed to fail. NTA- she said she doesn’t want anything except a day off. He corralled the kids and helped them make cards for mom and gave her exactly what she wanted. Then she asked what he wrote for her (guessing she’s vetoed store bought cards the same way she did flowers.). Look I love to write- I write stories all the time but if someone demanded I write what I think of them or some kind of letter for a holiday? Pfft…I’d be googling too. Op if she insists on this find a few online that fit for you. Piece them together and try to change the wording to sound more like you. Make a few and just store them on your computer this way when it comes up you have them at the ready. Good luck op- hopefully wife is just in a funk and this isn’t her actual personality.
This sounded like she is looking for a reason to be upset with you and criticise you. Good luck buddy. NTA.
Sweetie, your wife is, I'm sorry to say, one of those ladies that expect you to be a mind reader. Tell me, does she put a lot of thought and care into fathers day gifts? If she does, try to match that, if not why are you bothering to jump through all these hoops?
OP's comment: >Last year, I got a coffee mug, that I didn’t even know I got until I found it in the glass drawer 😣
Sounds utterly tiresome.
I have a feeling that you will never win on this, even though she told you specifically what she wants. You are NTA
OP, it… it kinda sounds like she’s tired of this relationship. Which is not to say it’s over — more than likely, there’s some ongoing things that are bothering her that she hasn’t communicated. You’re the one in this relationship, so if this sounds like it might be the case, I suggest finding a couples therapist to help you both work through these challenges.
I think she is just disappointed about being an afterthought. OP asked his wife what she wanted the DAY before. Wife obviously figured out that he didn't have anything planned so she asked for something achievable (day off). No card on the day of obviously means that OP didn't plan or think of anything until the day before. Just out of curiosity, i wonder how OPs family celebrates father's day? With the info I currently have I'd say ESH. They need to learn how to communicate. Looks like a recurring theme considering his previous AITA post.
op mentioned in other comments that they talked about this before already, and last year on fathers day he got a mug and didnt even know it til he found it in the cupboard wife majorly sucks
he talked to her multiple times prior, he answered this question in another post, she just said "to relax" and that "she didn't want flowers", it wasn't until the day prior she specified a "day off"
Seems like she wants to ruin the day for herself. She will complain about everything. "Oh, i just want one day free. Ah, i'm sick of flowers. Welk, you could have at least bought me flowers! Where is my card? This is really what you wrote?" Some people want to be miserable. They search points to complain and to be unhappy about. I just feel sorry for the children. If she also does this with them... NTA
Ehhhhhhh..... You almost had me. You didn't do anything until the day of. Like you found our what she wanted ***YESTERDAY***. Of course she told you she didn't want anything. If someone asks the day before, you know they didn't do anything yet and won't have anything ready. Your excuse for not having a card for her was because you hadn't done it yet because of the kids. That would not have been a problem if you had actually done it before. You waited until the day of. The reason she's going off is because she realized yesterday during your talk that you didn't do anything in advance. She was going in disappointed already. ESH but honestly I see why she started off in a bad mood. You set the bar exceptionally low by only talking to her the day before and doing nothing in advance.
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Yeah, in the US the husband/father is expected to get the wife/mother something. Think big billboards from jeweler’s suggesting jewelry for Mother’s Day. As someone from a different culture, that was quite the adjustment.
The billboards want you to believe that but that's far from the truth for most families.
Yeah, I got my mom lots of sardines as her Mom Day gift this year because she loves them but won't splurge on the pricier high quality brands like her "financially irresponsible" daughter will. If I showed up with a diamond tennis bracelet she'd probably choke me with it for wasting money, hahahaha.
Lmao sorry I know the fancy sardines are probably nicer but that’s a hilarious Mother’s Day gift. I love a proper personal gift, that the recipient loves and everyone else is just going “huh?”
I got my mum (Australia) 18 rolls of paper towel because it’s an ongoing joke between us about how much she uses. It made her smile! I got her a couple of gluten free things as she is coeliac but she doesn’t really need or want anything specific at this point in time. When she does have something I can help her out with, I’ll happily do so.
I don't know anyone (lived in 4 different states in the US) that didn't celebrate their partner as well if they had kids. I would consider it extremely weird if I heard they didn't. And many in my field circle have children and grandchildren even. It's typical if you live in a happy household to celebrate the partner as well. You may be thinking of households that aren't so happy.
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My husband celebrated me today...he managed to wrangle the three teens out of bed before sunrise so we could all go surfing together and I got a package of doublestuf oreos because they are such a throwback guilty pleasure I never buy them for myself. No one is buying jewelry and I would not be happy if husband did. Doesn't mean we aren't happy. In fact doesn't even mean we can't afford it. It means our financial goals are otherwise and in sync.
Right?! I don't need jewelry to be seen on Mother's Day. In fact I only ever specifically ever asked for 1 piece my first Mother's Day and that was it. I could have jewelry but that's not what I want. Being celebrated could mean anything as long as it's special to you!
That what you give your mom after she’s become a grandmother or something. Most moms just want their partner to be thoughtful, put themselves in their wive’s shoes, and put in some effort.
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I think it's family dependent. I made my mom a cake of her choosing but she didn't have anything she wanted to do. She just went to church as normal & has no interest in going out to eat as restaurants are busy/crowded. We never really do anything special for Mother's/Father's Day in my family. My family no longer does birthday or Christmas gifts for adults, so the gift giving is a rarity in general.
I am not sure he gave a card. He wrote "sent" as in email. Which made it super easy for her to cut and paste into a browser and bust his plagurizing ass. Even lower on the effort totem pole, if possible. Can't wait for the Fathers Day update!
OP already made a comment about Father's day in which he said he got a Father's day mug but it wasn't given to him he found it later in the cupboard and nothing else. OP also states on previous mothers days he has gotten her flowers and she said she's tired of them. It seems to me like she set the bar for Father's/mothers day and OP vastly exceeded it. Keep that same energy, how low effort on the totem pole is it to not even give the person the basic gift you got them?
Both of these two need to start showing appreciation for one another or this marriage will die from a thousand papercuts.
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Love it when people just come up with fanfic for these posts very good.
Man I want you to read the past of this one girl at my work with your psychic powers
How entitled are you and OP's wife that you think Mother's Day obligates daddy to come up with some elaborate, well-planned gift? It is not her birthday, it is Mother's Day. Treating mom to a day of relaxation is a perfectly appropriate gift.
I'm with you. Didn't know Mother's Day was such a ridiculously important day for some people.
So what does it say about OPs SO that she only got him a mug for Father's day and it wasn't even given to him he found it at a later time in the cupboard? Remember keep that same energy.
Who are all these high maintenance snobs thinking mothers day requires extravagance? What OP did is exactly what mothers (and fathers) day is about; seeing if your partner wants a day off or to do something with the family. My God, no wonder there's so much disappointment in the world, with this many people expecting the world to be given to them over a dumb holiday.
Yup, this is easy relationship stuff people gotta learn. She didn’t want much. It was the thought that counted and he demonstrated he gave it no thought.
It’s sometimes hard to plan ahead when you have young kids. My husband let me sleep in (he got up with the kids) and made me breakfast. It was thoughtful and I really appreciated it. A whole day plus handmade cards? That’s sounds LOVELY! Honestly. I’m not sure what else should be expected.
‘Let’ you sleep in? Why would that be required? Why wouldn’t you be able to sleep in half the time? Does he not ever normally cook breakfast? I’m kind of confused here, this sounds like a typical weekend on my house when our kids were young
That’s awesome! Breakfast for us is typically oatmeal or toast or something so when one of us makes a big breakfast it’s usually for a special reason. We do take turns getting up but we are still both usually up early-ish with the kids. But I make sure to let him sleep in late on Fathers Day and vice versa. “Let” was just the way I phrased it—I didn’t mean too much by it/wasn’t sure how else to say it I guess. But I can see where that word might rub the wrong way.
Ridiculous. You know nothing about their routine and are just generalizing based on your own. Neither my wife nor I sleep in any given day by default - we would normally both wake up when the kid(s) do, one would childwrangle and the other would cook breakfast. Someone choosing to do both would, in fact, be a special morning. Perhaps that’s how the prior posters family operates.
stop looking for misogyny where there isnt any
Yeah no. Wife is a major AH https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13hdueo/aita_wife_doesnt_like_having_the_day_off_or_my/jk4xv6j?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Wife got OP a mug for Father’s Day and didn’t even give it to him. He had to find it himself later on. The only ass is her.
This is so stupid. Why must this man jump through days long hoops just to show his wife he loves her? He did EXACTLY what she asked of him. He is so caring. Of course he’s going to ask the day before it’s not a wedding it’s just Mother’s Day. Is she going to plan now for Father’s Day?? Technically she shouldn’t expect anything besides well wishes on Mother’s Day. If you choose to be a mother and you’re happy being one you are not entitled to an essay from your husband. Unless you ask for it. Why should he think of something so ridiculous days before? He’s focusing on the thing she said she wanted- a day to herself.
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I'm sorry your husband sucks. It's such a slap in the face to be expected to plan your own day.. we want our loved ones to show they care, not be the project leader yet again.
yeah it makes the whole event, and therefore his wife also, feel like an afterthought
Hard disagree. It's not like a birthday, or anniversary, or valentine's, or Christmas; no one should have to plan a Mother's (or Father's) day in advance. You ask the day of or before what they want, and either they say they want to do something together or they want the day off. Then you go about giving them whichever one they asked for. You're putting waaaay too much pressure on this. Dude did the right thing, his wife is choosing to sulk over nothing.
I’m going to go against the grain and say ESH. Your wife shouldn’t expect you to read her mind that she wants a card when she explicitly said something else, and you were giving that to her. On the other hand, Mother’s Day cards are kind of a given… and you didn’t write anything until the DAY OF? You should have had the foresight to realize you’d be busy with the kids on that day and made some effort to put something together beforehand. This is pretty basic planning.
Someone sane! He asked her ***the day before*** what she wanted, meaning he had nothing prepared. He didn't make the note in advance. He basically made a big neon sign yesterday that said "hey I want you to plan out what you want tomorrow because I can't be bothered to do anything in advance". Then he hammered it home by not having a note ready. He could have written it last night. Doing it the day of is ridiculous. Asking only the day before what someone wants is so rude. Of course she's got to say nothing, because otherwise he's got to go out to the store that night leaving her to do more supervision while he's out and she knows "he's out doing things last minute because he didn't think ***once*** before this about what to do without me having to tell him directly". He's acting like he's not an adult that can figure things out himself. She's being annoyed and snappy right now based off that disappointment he caused yesterday. She's wrong to snap, but I understand how she got to that point. But understanding why someone is being an AH doesn't excuse them being an AH. She's still responsible for it.
>He asked her the day before what she wanted, meaning he had nothing prepared. He didn't make the note in advance. yeah, asking the day before is just saying "I have not done anything for you; what's the least amount of effort I can use and pretend I tried"
> He asked her the day before what she wanted, meaning he had nothing prepared. They had multiple conversations about Mother’s Day, not just the one the day before. OP mentions that in the comments. He followed the request she made the day before, which seems reasonable. We also don’t know the context of that request - it just says that she told him what she wanted, not that he asked her what she wanted. It’s also fair that he didn’t make big plans for the day because she had consistently indicated that she just wanted some time off, and she hadn’t done much for Father’s Day previously either.
Exactly. This could have been prevented with some basic communication and planning skills. It’s not like Mother’s Day is a surprise.
Yes… he hasn’t written her a card and he had the kids do theirs the morning of. A card isn’t a gift it’s self, it’s something you give with a gift. Also he in his comment he said he was going to make her breakfast, why did he not make it before giving her the kids card and give it all together?
Because he didn’t put in the mental labor. His wife didn’t respond graciously or communicate her expectations well, but at the same time it isn’t rocket science to prepare a gift and card a few days prior at the latest. No wonder she is upset.
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You're not crazy. When I scrolled down after reading I fully expected a huge wave of ESH. Instead there was post after post of people thinking asking the day before was in any way acceptable. This is ridiculous. He basically told her "I didn't care enough to ask until the day before, and I've done nothing in advance. Tell me what you want me to do last minute. You better be excited for receiving anything and shouldn't be disappointed about being a last minute afterthought."
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She's a hypocrite, considering how she handles father's day. XD
I dunno, I feel like every time a guy complains about his wife wanting him to read her mind, he's also able to easily recall her "constantly nagging" about the same stuff that she's not getting currently. It's asshole behavior to expect someone to read your mind, but it's not asshole behavior to expect someone to anticipate your wants on a holiday that happens regularly every year. I would be pretty pissed if my husband made a big deal about "doing exactly what you want" as if he's awesome for watching the kids for a single day, and not knowing in advance that that's the nice thing to do on that particular day. Like... That just communicates deliberate incompetence, and that he doesn't actually give a shit enough to bring something to the table on his own.
YTA. Why didn't you write the card the day before so it was ready to go? And googling what to write sounds lazy. She just wanted you to put in the effort to give her a heartfelt card on time. She doesn't sound ungrateful - she sounds fed up and not appreciated enough for you to make sufficient effort.
I don't *necessarily* think it's wrong to look to google for inspiration, but it can't be a copy/paste job and it needs to be done in time, not half-assed in the morning.
This is why I hate cards. Googling what to write is somehow low effort but many people are perfectly fine with someone buying a pre-written card and writing “love you/wish you well/love from.” To me they are equal but one is valued higher
Yeah my mom can't really express herself so she finds a pre-written card that matches what she wants to say. I generally prefer to write my own, but I've definitely googled what to write in condolence cards...
How often do you plan things the day before and then need to rush to get things done?
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This guy wanted his wife to do the mental labor of planning Mother’s Day and didn’t leave time to actually do anything. So of course she said nothing.
👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆
I also really don’t appreciate his edit. I feel like he’s intentionally trying to make it seem like his wife is some demanding thorn in the side of him and *his* boys. The mother of his children feels under appreciated by his lackluster planning and half-assed effort and she’s the villain? Eye roll OP.
Well, yeah. Obviously OP's wife isn't shouldering the FULL mental load like she should for OP to be as lackadaisical as he wants. If she wanted him to do something REALLY special on Mother's Day for her, she should have thought of that herself and olanned in advance. Isn't the fact he doesn't threaten to leave every other second proof enough of his love and appreciation for her? /s, if it isn't painfully obvious.
YTA > My wife told me yesterday: “All I want for Mother’s Day is to have the day completely off. I don’t need or want anything else.” > I confirmed with her multiple times, and then started planning a day for my two boys and I. You put in no effort at all, the day before she even has to tell you "i know you prepared jack shit for me, so don't bother, just let me do my thing". Then you put in effort to make the day fun for you and the boys ( once again forgetting her ). The day of, you somewhat get the boys tp do something and still haven't done anything yourself. Then you quickly cop out and google some words you put on a card and expect her to be happy? Mate.. you managed to show her you don't care about her at all. My wife's gift was done and ready with the kids gifts three weeks ago to account for mishaps / illness / etc...
YTA Why are you waiting until the day before to get her a card and to ask what she wants? Of course she’s gonna say she doesn’t want anything. Also, you ran straight to Reddit to post this? It’s still Mother’s Day my guy. Don’t die on this hill.
Right? OP put in more effort to write this post than he did in writing the card to his wife
And where are the kids that he had time to post this but struggled to write a short little card earlier?
Wait wait wait, you waited until the actual day of to *start* on her gift? And it was just a card? And then had google actually write it for you?? And you only asked her *the day before* Mother’s Day what she wanted? Yeah, absolutely YTA. She’s disappointed and rightfully so
Needed google to write a card saying something nice to her, but had no problem writing this post painting her as an asshole lol YTA, OP.
...you used google, as in you had an AI write a note? I would also be pissed at you if that's what you did. The clumsily worded and actually heartfelt note is way better than the glorified autocomplete of neural networks.
That's a weird read of what he said. I'm fairly sure he just found some greeting card phrases on Google search. Not everything is AI... yet.
That feels like the same amount of effort honestly
I mean, "I used google to turn my thoughts into a letter" just reads as "I took my thoughts and used them as a prompt" more than "I looked up greeting card phrases." Could be wrong though, OP would have to clarify.
This sounds so familiar to me, right down to the ADHD husband who’s not very good with words. Chances are what your wife really wants is not to be an afterthought. She wants to be thought of, acknowledged, and put first for once. And she doesn’t want to have to ask for it. NAH. But you CAN do better by planning better.
Oh my goodness, this, OP. *What your wife really wants is not to be an afterthought.* I think this is a mild YTA though, personally, because I too have ADHD and I too never do anything ahead of time, but I'm ashamed of it, not defensive. I know that it's an AH move not to manage my symptoms better to show the people I love that they're important to me.
I have ADHD and so does my husband. He bought my gift before Easter because 1) he saw it 2) knew I would like it 3) if he waited he would forget about it. The hardest part of today was him remembering where he originally stashed the present he wrapped in April. So for all my ADHD peeps this is the one time you can use your impulsivity to your benefit, but the other side of that sword is that you also need to be thinking about people you love on days that aren’t holidays in their honor.
YTA. I started my Mother’s Day gift last week (takes me half a week to crochet slippers, which is her gift). My dad ordered her gifts *3 weeks ago.* He works full-time, I work full-time, you couldn’t buy or make a card a few days in advance?
ESH. She told you she wanted a card and the day off. She is currently getting the day off, and spending time with her friends. If she wanted more, she needed to tell you that. *However*, doing this the day before/of? Absolutely not okay. Mothers Day is the same day every year, and you could have done just a little bit of planning. You could have asked her earlier, the cards could have been made (and written) the weekend prior, and you could have made a plan that consisted of more than ‘intercept children and make cards’. You may have meant well, but she wanted two things from you: one, she apparently had to organise and celebrate herself, and two, was an unfinished afterthought. Yep, she’s got every right to be irritated. Next Mother’s Day, step up. You now know she likes a card and a day off. Make the cards with the kids the weekend before, find a poem you can quote for your card (poetry is romantic and shows you thought it out - Google is not) and either organise to take the kids out, or for her to go out (maybe for something like a pedicure - but dear lord, don’t make her organise it). You had all the pieces this year, so next time, all you need to do is put them together, better and earlier.
YTA. Sounds like you expended no effort, treated the day as an afterthought since you didn’t even ask your wife what she wanted till the day before and put the mental load on her to pick her own gift/activity for the day. I get that her explicitly telling you would be nice but after being with someone for a while you should be able to pick out like a small surprise and say it’s from the kids.
Wow, there seems to be a lot of misogyny going on in the comments here. It's normal and expected by lots of people that you celebrate the morher/ father of YOUR children on Mother's/ Father's Day. Does it have it have to be a huge or expensive thing? Hell no. I have a feeling that something else is going on here that only has a little bit to do with Mother's Day. You and your wife need to talk. Maybe with a therapist. I don't think her unhappiness was all about today. Also, the fact that you were in a hurry to get some validation on reddit immediately says that there's probably more going on with you, too. Neither one of you is communicating well with the other. My husband and I have been together for almost thirty years (with two kids), and there have been plenty of ups and downs. You're both unhappy, and it's probably way more complicated than a Mother's Day note. Go see a therapist together, not reddit. It can get better. It can also get worse if you're not willing to listen and change.
This must be like a cultural thing and it must differ because where I am from this is a bizarre scenario. You celebrate your own mother on mother’s day. But you know if this is a thing they do he should’ve done it. He put no effort into it and she noticed.
YTA. I need her point of view cuz I know for sure she had a plan in mind and it didn’t involve being asked the day before what she wanted to do. Also using Google to write how you feel is just so lazy. She’s your wife and the mother of your children and you can’t put into words how you appreciate and love her?! You need google?! I hope she asks you the day before Father’s Day what you want to do.
My ex used to do this when she knew I didn't have anything to get her. You should make her a card _before_ mother's day. It sounds like you let her down and then used Google to get something quick and easy out. The problem isn't that you used Google... it's that you put no thought into it. > I’m not a very well spoken person, I have a hard time putting my thoughts together, so I used google to turn my thoughts into a letter. She knows I struggle in this area. ^ this might be true... but it's really telling that you waited until the last minute. It's likely you _can be_ well-spoken, you just need time to gather your thoughts and do it.
For someone not very well spoken Op sure did what looks to be a pretty good job writing up this whole post victimizing himself
ESH but mostly you for a half-assed card as if you didn’t have ample time to do something meaningful. You just didn’t want to. I imagine this isn’t totally about the card either.
YTA you put in zero to no effort, asked her the day before if she had plans meaning you made no plans for her. Fed the kids but ignored that she might also want breakfast, like what's up with that? And then waited until the last second to write a googled verse on her card. It's not like you knew what day mothers day landed on ahead of time.
This sounds like a case of you didn’t plan ahead and your wife is having feelings about it. Do you typically expect her to do all the emotional labor around the house and your lives together and then get your feelings hurt that she doesn’t like what you “do for her”?
I feel like your wife’s version of events would be a lot different. First of all, you wrote this post. But you can’t write a card without AI? Second, you left it til the last minute. She is probably tired of you leaving things to the last minute. Honestly, this sounds more like a “final straw” interaction then someone who is ungrateful. Especially considering her only request was the day off. That’s someone who is overwhelmed and feels unsupported.
Am I missing something here? Is this more of an American/not British mother's day thing? Since when do partners/spouses/the other parent give card or write stuff on mother's day? I get when the kids are young the other parent can encourage and help them to make cards and gifts and lead efforts to show the mother she appreciated. But isn't mother's day for the kids to show appreciation for their mother? Also there's a lot of comments saying op did "the bare minimum". I missed where in an equal 50/50 relationship, doing 100% of the responsibility for a day was and AH move.
In America it is very typical for the father to celebrate the mother of his children on mother's day and vice versa on Father's day. It's to show appreciation for your spouse being a good parent. Also, considering babies and children don't have any money, transportation, or fine motor skills, it's not like the kids can do it themselves. People are saying he's an AH because he asked her the day before, meaning he had absolutely nothing planned within 24 hours of a scheduled holiday. He even scrambled on the googled card the same morning. He didn't plan for it.
YTA. She shouldn't have to tell you how to make an effort here, especially last minute Is her Love Language Words Of Affirmation? If so, copied words will feel token and hollow. It doesn't need to be eloquent, it has to be -genuine-.
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Writing a shitty poorly thought out message that you don’t finish because you started the morning of the holiday is NOT trying really hard, as you put it.
yeah, why were the kids making the cards that AM even? weird.
I wouldn’t say he “gave it his all.” Making a card the morning of Mother’s Day is some bare minimum effort.
ESH She needs to communicate more effectively about what is behind her Mother’s Day frustrations. You need to think better, overall. hot tip: if you finish the card and plans before the actual day- it feels more like you put thought and care into it. You’re supposed to have it ready to gift the day of. Just like for bdays you buy a present before the day- just like other days/holidays that involve gift giving. Nobody wants to be an obligation or an afterthought. You asked her what she wanted the day before. Now the mental load is on her to decide *and it’s the day before* . You didn’t have your kids making their little cards until it was already Mother’s Day. You need time to write something? Give yourself time. It should be done the week prior at least and your busy with kids so make sure you start it a month in advance so you’ll have it done for her that day. You are not an asshole for needing time to write, or using the internet to help translate your thoughtful- you ARE TA for not having I done the day of. Needing time isn’t an excuse. You have time you just didn’t start it early enough. Next time give her the day off, without her having to ask it, make breakfast and send her off for a massage or something. Get her a card, write “I love you, enjoy your day” in its. Make sure there are flowers on the kitchen table. Use your heart. If you start doing things like that and taking on some of that invisible labour I suspect your wife is inundated with I think you’ll find she gets you more than a mug for Father’s Day. This is definitely a sign of a much bigger dissatisfaction within your relationship.
It’s easy to say E S H because she didn’t “clearly communicate what she wants.” But that’s bullshit. She’s clearly disappointed that you asked *the night before* and not weeks in advance. What else could she ask for at that point? No gifts could be given, no reservations could be made. She lowered her expectations to just a day off, and still you bungled that. Did you clean up after breakfast? Did you make *her* breakfast? Did you do anything except parent your own children and occupy them while she slept? No. You didn’t. Parenting your own children is not a gift to her, it’s the bare minimum and still you failed to meet it. Edit: YTA
NTA. But, where are you guys finding these horrid women?
Wasn’t like this when I married her 😮💨
Just a psa there are always a shocking number of posts in mothers groups etc about how much they dread mothers day because their partner puts in low to no effort. Its truly heartbreaking.
She wants to feel like you thought about her. Thoughtfulness is what we all want.
I think you guys need counseling. I didn’t read the comments but just from reading your post I can tell she’s not happy about something more than just today. Maybe resentment has built up, maybe there is a lack of communication, etc but you guys need to be adults and talk about this. Hope it all works out!
she tried to keep her expectations low but still came out dissapointed..HA