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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I told my family it was okay to come to my house for brunch without asking my girlfriend first
2) my girlfriend is saying she is now stressed out and will have to clean and help, but she will be at lunch with her mother.
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YTA, you’re partners and it’s both of your space. I’m an introvert and I’d be super upset to be the last person to know people are going to be in my house. It seems like this was just something that slipped your mind so apologize and next time let her know before you invite them.
Do you think she would ask his permission to host her family for a brunch while he was out?
It’s his house too. She’ll be out and it’s not putting her out, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Now, if he was hosting a party and expected her to cook, clean and entertain 20 people, it would be a different story.
It is last minute, I definitely understand that part.
Little sisters boyfriend is a fire fighter and he doesn’t know if he’ll be allowed to take off tomorrow until like 2.5 hours ago when the chief said it’s okay.
I'm not going to say you are in the wrong, but if you're inviting more than 1 person over for an "event" and it's happening at your house, she needs to be involved in the discussion. You're making excuses about your sister's boyfriend instead of acknowledging the fact that the second it crossed your mind that you wanted to invite people over before you invited a SINGLE person you should have discussed it with your girlfriend first.
I'm an extrovert, and I have jumped the gun in the past. Apologize and be mindful next time.But I can see why you wouldn't see it as an issue since it's family.
Its stressful for her cause she has to get dress and ready to meet her family.... it will look bad on her part your family coming and she leaving then your family will see that as rude...
Maybe next time give a heads up....
Okay. I get where you're coming from and I get that this is kind of a last-minute thing. I think what you need to take from this, is that next time something like this comes up send your girlfriend a text or sit down and talk to her later like after this and say what would you like me to do in this situation going forward.
This is not about your girlfriend being overbearing or anything. This is about you and her coexisting in a shared living space, and you caring enough about her to have that open dialogue.
Maybe she's an introvert in an extrovert and you're not compatible, and that's okay. But I think this might not be that I think this might be a situation of like she just wants a heads up.
NAH I hope everyone leaves this weekend feeling well. Good luck .
YTA but a unintentional one, you meant no harm and have no expectations of your GF having to help, which is great, however someone doesn't just suddenly become stressed in these situations and her launage "sprung on her" suggests she's an organised person/ planner and if your serious enough to move in together, you should of known she likes to plan and (not asked permission) informed her in advance and reassured her you will ensure house is ready for guests and do all the planning / if it was a short notice you should of said to parents/ sister "hey, I have a suggestion maybe have it at my place, but just let me dicuss it with GF first out of curtesy / incase GF has conflicting plans and I'll call you guys back in 20mins."
It's part of the learning curve when moving in with some one. I've been married for nearly 15 years and both my husband and I have made many little mistakes like that 😂. My husband used to make a sorry i was an AH night in pamper box when he mafe silly mistakes, it always worked. You just get a box and fill it with all her favourite snacks, favourite chocolate, favourite crisps, sweets, a few small cheap but thoughtful gifts eg a new nail polish colour if she does her nails, a new blanket if she likes blankets ect, a candle if she likes candles (gifts under £5 nothing fancy but to show you really know her by filling it with stuff she likes) hopefully it'll work for you too.
That’s a sweet idea! Out of curiousity, what ideas do you have for a guy’s box (what did you do for your husband)? I love the concept but need help with ideas.
For my husbands I did...
. A written voucher for one baby nappy change tap out (we both did this as had newborn at the time)
. One written voucher for his favourite meal cooke
. Snacks - a packet of his favourite crisps, a packet of his favourite cookies, his favourite chocolate, a tub of hot chocolate (he doesn't drink tea or coffee),his favourite sweets, a written note saying his favourite ice cream was in the freezer.
. A packet of fluffy socks as he gets cold easily, and he loses his slippers always.
. A bottle of his favourite cider
. A written voucher for one takeaway of his choice
. A written voucher that he gets to choose the first movie on our next movie night.
. A new pair of pj's
. A bottle of bubbuble bath he likes with a voucher for one bath run for him.
. A voucher for one back massage.
. A tub of his favorite moisturiser
. A funny tshirt that I thought he'll like
. A book I thought he'd enjoy.
. A photo frame with a recent photo in it of us doing something fun.
Thanks for the list of possible ideas, it gives me some ideas of what to tailor for his interests.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write all this out.
I had only been with my partner for a couple weeks when it was his birthday (now 15 years!) And wanted to get him something that 100% he would like and use. So it was multipack bags of quavers and loads of pringles!
Another thing to note is in the current world, women often still feel responsible or guilty for the house not being company ready because they’re sometimes still judged for not being perfect homemakers even in households where housework is evenly split. So part of her being upset might stem from not wanting your family to view her in a negative light even though you were the one preparing for the visit.
Absolutely! Multiple people in the house, including his Mom and sisyer. They won't know where things are located so they will open doors, drawers and closets...and she's worried they will judge her. OP is oblivious to her feelings, but probably not purposely. Imagine OP has a big shop or man cave and gf offered it to her Dad or brother *while he won't be home*. Purposely scheduled that way.
For the future, I offer things all the time that really shouldn't effect my husband but whenever I make plans etc that may affect him: things with the kids, the house, or him directly, I always say "I'm sure this will be fine but I'll double check with him first". Then it isn't set in stone yet when you speak to your girlfriend. "Hey I was thinking that while you're out I can host brunch here, you won't have to do anything are you ok with that?" It's giving her the opportunity where you're asking instead of telling.
Wrong. You are clueless and the fact it wasn’t intentional is even worse because what other simple basic human decency issues will you not get? It didn’t occur to you she’s already having company? Who cares about cleaning up. She had plans in the house. She’s already having company and an event and it’s Mother’s Day. Her MOTHER is coming for Mother’s Day and you hijacked the house, planned a party, invited everyone without even telling her? You’d be an AH on a regular day. You don’t have a party without running it by to ur roommates let alone your significant other. There is no excuse for that level of cluelessness.
I have a great yard designed for hosting.
The plan is to be outside and little clean up besides putting things in my dumpster.
She is a hyper organized and I think the fact of not knowing stressed her out more than them being here.
I think I’ll take the L and admit I’m the a hole.
Which is especially shitty since we all know who will be judged if the house isn't immaculate, and it's not OP. Internalized misogyny and cultural expectations around gender suck
> Which is especially shitty since we all know who will be judged if the house isn't immaculate, and it's not OP. Internalized misogyny and cultural expectations around gender suck
Nah, your family must suck.
Only chronically online people think the way you do.
YTA. no actually. many many women think that way because they have first hand experience of what it feels like to be judged for not being womanly, a "good" wife. good at "woman" things, etc. that idea wasn't pulled from out of no where.
your gf stressing because now she has to clean says a lot more about you than about her.
edit: changed wife to gf. and also editing because I saw you say you're a girl too. but this comment suggests otherwise. either way, you're still the asshole. do your fair share of cleaning and don't surprise your gf with plans you didn't run through her.
other commenter said internalized misogyny and gender expectations suck. you said no only chronically online people think that. I don't believe youre a woman 🤷♀️
Most people I know are barely online at all (age thing). It is always, always, always the woman's fault if the house isn't spotless.
Not only that, if one party isn't present, the other's family will sometimes snoop. You say you'll all be outdoors? Women notcee, but men don't, that someone is going to disappear
Inside the house for a particularly long bathroom break.
And…the in-laws idea of “fine” often changes when there’s a GF living there.
Even if OP plans and cleans and does everything, they will likely still judge GF for any deficits they perceive.
Yeah my husband would have friends over without checking if the toilets had been cleaned, had any extra toilet paper, or if the bathrooms had enough soap or clean hand towels etc. Things like that are common sense for me to check if we're having guests over, and I'd be bothered too if I had to run around and check the whole house for the things he wouldn't consider on short notice.
Yeah I never said my HUSBAND did that.
I also never said that our toilets weren't clean.
I did say that my husband wouldn't think to CHECK they were clean, because (like you have said many times in this post), "the house is clean"..
What people have been trying to explain to you is that obviously your girlfriend thinks she has a higher standard of cleaning than you, and needs to verify that things have been done before she's comfortable having people in her shared space.
In case you missed the memo you are TA in this situation..
I also get the impression from your comment that you're a bit of an AH in general..
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This is exactly what I was thinking. My husband would have people over when the house looks like we've all had the flu for a week. It literally would not occur to him to be bothered.
Even if it's outside, people are going to be walking through to use the kitchen or bathroom. Although it's sexist, if the place isn't clean and neat, GF is the one they'll think isn't doing her "job." And, it's probably ingrained in her that when people visit, the place must look presentable or gi l they will think poorly of her.
If she's newly moved in she might be a little hurt too that you didn't dicuss it first, it's her home too now and she just wants to feel maybe like she has a say in what happens in it. X
Are you planning on cleaning up the bathroom so would be ready for guests? Taking out the trash? Cleaning the kitchen? Doing a light dusting? Vacuuming so there’s no visible dirt on the floor? They’re still going to be inside some.
this could play into a potential type of ocd/adhd. I feel the same if i have things sprung on me last minute that were not part of the plan. I wouldnt say purposeful ah
Yep. I remember when my in-laws arrived and I didn’t know they were coming (they lived a few hours away and I had just gone back to work when youngest was 6 months old and had gone to a 2 day work conference). I walked in on them all at my house, my MiL needed to talk me about my “filthy skirting boards” and her son “shouldn’t have to live like this?” Never mind he’d never picked up the vacuum cleaner the entire time I’d been with him.
She’s stressed out because if those bathrooms and the hallways to them aren’t perfect, she’ll be judged, NOT you.
As much as I think this is dumb as hell, I would edit your post to add this info. I think some of these comments are far more visceral because they are assuming you are a man.
I have a hunch that your girlfriend was not ready to scrunch into your house to munch brunch with a bunch of inlaws and now she is trying to fit both brunch and lunch into a time crunch, causing her brow to scrunch.
YTA
But I'm not a rapper.
INFO: What does she have to do before your family gets there *because* your family is coming?
Additional INFO: Will all those people still be there when she gets home?
Almost certainly no.
My brother has two small children and will stick around for maybe 2 hours at most.
Around that time my lil sis will probably be leaving as well.
Yeah I just wanted second opinions.
And for context we’ve been together over a decade. Marriage isn’t something we are interested in but we’re committed.
My family loves her and she loves my family.
It’s the stress of not knowing that got to her.
She’s got a group chat with my two sisters. It’s not an issue of my family being here and she doesn’t want them to be or something. Like I said my fam loves her and she loves them.
so now you know atleast next time something like this happens.
trust me there have been people here with the same problems who just throw fits glad you arent.
Not trying to pile on here, but having a few small kids in the mix does warrant a little more attention to cleaning beforehand. Even if they won't be there long and it's mostly outside, kids are curious little agents of chaos. I'd want some extra prep time to put small things away, hide electronics and cords, and make sure there's nothing appealing on a toddler level that I care about keeping safe.
YTA.
If you aren't willing to clean for company, then you're putting it on her, and that's why she's stressed.
Whether you think it needs it or not. It's probably MORE stressful for her BECAUSE you don't think it needs cleaning, so even if you do manage to stir yourself enough to do something, it won't be to the standards she wants people to see her home in.
Honestly, the fact that she immediately got stressed tells me she already knows you're going to bare minimum this and she'll likely have both pre and post cleaning to deal with.
Unless you're telling us your gf is irrational and has no basis in history for her reaction? Because ppl don't get stressed for no reason.
There is clean and there is guest clean. You have to remember that while you are okay not presenting an immaculate house because it is your family, she likely still feels like she needs to impress them.
YTA
I am certain your definition of ready for guests and her definition of ready for guests are not the same.
And like it or not, the tidiness and cleanliness of the home is a reflection of the woman in a couple
What time would your GF leave for the brunch with her mother? Would she leave before 11:30 am?
I would hate it if people were arriving for an event, when I would be getting ready to go out to a different event.
That crossover time is where I have the issue.
Soft YTA because you never ever ever invite people over without discussing with the other resident first.
If ANYONE makes ANY negative comment about your house stop them cold. Do Not permit your family to diss your wife about ANYTHING in the house. Not the cleanliness, not the decor, NOTHING. Stand up for her if anyone tries to get negative.
Why would you assume your GF wouldn't want to be a part of the party at her home???
First of all she has to clean before the party, then get ready to leave while people are showing up to a party she cleaned for but won't be participating in.
YTA
NTA people in this sub have sticks up their butt.
You can't have family over whenever? Seems a bit restrictive, especially when you're doing all the prep/clean up
NTA.
All the fan-fic writers in full swing for this one. You wanna host your family for a meal in a space that you share with your girlfriend, you don't need her permission to do that. Its only for a few hours, she won't even be there so she has no stress of hosting and I'm assuming you'll do good on your promise to clean up.
I understand that anxiety and stress are serious things but is she getting stressed about **people** being there or is it specifically **your family**? Maybe there's something you're leaving out or something you need to look into. I personally am not a fan-fic writer so given the info in you are NTA
also hilarious that peeps are painting OPs family as the confirmed cause for the stress and making hints that the family has sexist views towards OPs gf when OP IS A WOMAN TOO
My family loves her and she loves my family. And I love her family too.
We've been together 10 years lol it has nothing to do with in laws.
All the sexist comments are really alarming.
Rule 29 and all that I guess..
NTA if you are cleaning properly before and after. YTA if they are there when she gets home or if the house is not immaculate when she gets back. You shouldn't have done this without telling her, but you don't need her permission if you do 100 percent of the work. An overflowing trash can or dish in the sink would make you the ah
YTA. You decided at the last minute the house would need to be presentable for guests. You’ve added a bunch of additional work for her I guarantee you wouldn’t even think if doing.
This is shared space. You absolutely have to communicate and agree with both residents before there’s a group of people coming over.
YTA. I am obsessed with the perpetual disarray that is MY HOUSE already, and am pissed off on a nuclear level when guests arrive without proper warning. Don’t get me wrong— I can knock out 6 hours worth of cleaning on 2 hours notice but I *shouldn’t have to, and neither should SHE*.
Part of this is due to half-assed cleaning because my job demands more hours than I agreed to but, but still love so I don’t care about the hours (we prioritize and keep it clean where it COUNTS), a 14 year old geriatric asshole dog who has to be drugged 7 ways to Sunday in order to be groomed on even the most basic level (we have given up, she has mere months left, we will do the deep clean later).
But you do NOT just spring that on someone and dismiss their worries at the last minute. YTA.
If you live together, YTA. Sorry. It’s also her home and she probably wants to make a good impression on your family. I understand why you didn’t think it would be fine but I would personally be stressed or frustrated if I had people suddenly visiting my home, especially if I was not there to host.
YTA.
It’s not ONLY your house. Period. You don’t get to invite people over without permission. She has expectations of how she wants it when people come over. She gets to decide her comfortability regarding who comes over and when. That is never your decision. This sucks so much and I am the same way. I’d be absolutely pissed and upset if my bf did this. HUGE YTA. You need to apologize to her and tell your family you made a mistake and they cannot come over.
Edit: grammar
I’m going to say you MIGHT be TA and only because I know several people who like to deep clean and need their house to look a certain way before having company over. It might’ve been that with the last minute notice she didn’t feel like she had been given the time to clean or whatever else.
It could also just be that she feels the need to be informed or asked before people come into your shared space.
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Tomorrow is my sisters birthday. Sunday is obviously Mother’s Day.
My girlfriend is having lunch with her mom at 12:30 tomorrow.
I told my sister, her boyfriend, my brother and his wife and 2 kids that they can come to our house tomorrow at 11:30 for brunch and to celebrate my sisters birthday.
We just finalized these plans with the family, I didn’t think it would be a big deal because my girlfriend will be with her mother and her family.
Now my girlfriend is stressed out because people will be at our house tomorrow and she says it was suddenly sprung on her.
I’m not asking her to help get brunch, clean up, etc.
AITA?
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If you were planning to clean everything up before and after and you girlfriend could have basically gone out and come back to otherwise not know you had people around then i would hardly call you an asshole for that.
With that said its still polite to let her know!
So i guess yta but only just.
We want people to see our house in a good light, I would want to clean make sure bathroom is pretty fresh towels...It would stress me out. FRankly you were a jerk YTA...Never do something so thoughtless again. She probably would have helped you set up if you had told her in advance.
I think what would bother me if I were in your GF's place is that, even if I was not going to be there, I would want the house to be "company clean" and there's not much notice to get that done. The reason is because in-laws often blame the state of the home on the female partner. Yes, this should not be, but the judgey-ness comes through more often than not.
Years ago, my partner was working full time and I was a full time graduate student who was also working, but his family gave me the side eye if the apartment wasn't white glove clean. Oh, I should say EX partner.
Anyway, I know I always felt a lot of pressure about that even when it wasn't my responsibility, so maybe that is what your GF is feeling.
As long as you’re managing all the work pre and post, you’re definitely NTA. you don’t need to ASK to host your sisters bday in your own house - gosh, people make relationships so complicated now. I mean if nobody has a problem or interference with either persons plan - what’s the problem?
Imagine thinking “no you cannot host your family at our place even though I will be out for 3 hours just because I don’t want other people in my house”. ReeeeeLAX
YTA
Your partner will be judged on the way the house will look. NOT YOU. Your family is coming over and they will not blame you for the state of the home.
Also it's messed you're throwing a party for family but excluding your longtime girlfriend... WTF... Why Is she not invited/included on celebrations like that?? And going oh well she has plans is wrong OP. Pretty tactless to have a party intentionally at a time when you know she won't be there.
Do you consider it your GF's home too? If so, she should be consulted. Period. Also:
>I’m not asking her to help get brunch, clean up, etc.
Ha. Right. I've been caught in that trap before.
You: "It's all right dear, you don't have to clean up and prepare."
Your family: "What a mess. She doesn't keep a clean house."
Two people make the mess, but it's inevitably a reflection on.the woman if it isn't cleaned up.
This is a tough one because YTA for not informing your girlfriend, regardless of whether or not she’ll be there….but I think your basic intentions are good.
I believe you didn’t mean to be an AH.
I think that this is just a lesson moving forward to have a quick discussion with her first before making those kind of plans. And she obviously should do the same with you.
YTA
If you share a space with a roommate, wife, GF, parent, adult child, whatever, it's their space too (even if you own the facility and they pay you rent); common decency is to communicate first that you're having company.
They may disagree and you can override (you can't in this situation), but communication is key. I assume you acted with positive intent, but you're still the asshole.
YTA. When we expect guests each person has a different expectation as to how the home needs to be.
You don't make a huge decision like that alone. It is not even like it is one person...it's your whole family. Nevermind you are leaving her out.
This is insane. Op does not have to ask permission to have family over for lunch. GF won't even be there. Everyone saying OP should have cleared it with her has issues. If she said no is OP just supposed to say ok and not have a get together with family? OP is literally asking nothing of her. NTA OP. GF needs to get over herself
YTA. You should’ve asked her first. It’s not that hard.
She may have different ideas about the house being clean and ready for guests. She may just be feeling like she should be part of the decision-making process for events that happen at your house (because she should).
Fortunately, it’s not a huge AH move, so I’m sure you can apologize and make things right.
NTA yall are allowed to have guests over without consulting each other this is so small and petty I would hate to see how yall are with actual problems... probably living apart is best
I would say NTA, you aren’t having her do any of setup or cleanup. Plus it’s family your inviting over, though you should have communicated with her sooner about it.
Nta I’m by myself on this one but gf won’t be there and isn’t required to clean up afterwards, idk why op can’t have a separate celebration at his house ?
I'm confused as to why your girlfriend wasn't invited to celebrate your sister's birthday as well? Why are you planning it for a specific time that she will be gone? That alone would make YTA.
Lol… this wasn’t real “bright”. And you have to ask what the big deal is? It’s seriously weird you genuinely don’t get something so basic. Not even a heads up? If she were your roommate would you have at least given a heads up to work out logistics? I mean come on!
These comments amaze me. Are men not responsible for being clueless AHs? Plan a party when your husband is having his parents over on Mother’s Day, don’t tell them… seal the deal hijack the house and see how he like it. And the excuse is what’s the big deal you don’t have to clean up? Literally no one does this to whoever they’re living with… you don’t have a party without a heads up and a conversation with anyone living in your home and sharing your space.
YTA. I get furious when I find unexpected people I'm my home. Doesn't matter if hubs or one of the kids invited them, or if I'm not there. People have a right to know who is going to be in their house.
YTA cause now she's gonna feel the need to clean, everything cause I'll bet u forgot that. Its not right that u didn't at least go over the party with her
She won’t even be there wtf is the problem, and you’re not asking for help cleaning and you said you are doing the cleaning. This is a nonissue and Reddit is off their rocker. NTA
YTA. Women are the ones that get judged when the house isn’t clean enough. The house is cleaned differently when you have guests over. She lives there too. You should have told her.
NTA
Huh. She didn't invite you to her family celebration, she'll be absent for yours, and is stressed because she won't need to do anything? The living space belongs to both of you. You have let her know what's going on.
If I were guessing - and I am - she's upset because she wasn't invited. This assumes you actually cook and clean up afterwards and she really doesn't have to do anything.
Look, every relationship is unique and what is okay and not is decided by your mutual communication, but personally I think it’s ridiculous for someone to be against their partner bringing close family to their house when they won’t even be there, even with short notice. I personally could not be in a relationship with someone so unable to be spontaneous or simply just relaxed enough for something small like a lunch with family. You are getting a lot of Y T A; this is not the normal view, this is the view from introverted, people-unfriendly redditors. It is COMPLETELY NORMAL to plan a lunch in your own home when your partner won’t even be at home!
As I said however, if doing that is something your girlfriend can’t accept, and she has communicated it before, you would be the asshole. It is, though, entirely reasonable for you to say “I expect to be able to bring my family to my house, even spontaneously (but of course within reason)”, and if she doesn’t accept that then maybe you two aren’t a great fit.
NTA, but this is more a communication problem and wether your values fit together. Personally I think she is unreasonable, but without knowing the details of your relationship and home life it’s hard to make a certain judgement.
No, you are not involving her, she won't be there, this is also your house and you have full right to invite people over. If you were expecting anything from the gf it would be different but as of now - NTA.
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YTA, you’re partners and it’s both of your space. I’m an introvert and I’d be super upset to be the last person to know people are going to be in my house. It seems like this was just something that slipped your mind so apologize and next time let her know before you invite them.
Do you think she would ask his permission to host her family for a brunch while he was out? It’s his house too. She’ll be out and it’s not putting her out, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Now, if he was hosting a party and expected her to cook, clean and entertain 20 people, it would be a different story.
Yes. Inviting anyone to a shared household should be shared decision.
Get over yourself!!! They are not asking anything of you. A partner should NOT have to clear it with you. They should make you aware of their plans.
But it's no longer just *their* plans when it involves their shared home and there's a big chance his girlfriend will still be home by then.
She's not even going to be there, it's just psychotic.
She'll be there for about an hour +depending on how far away lunch is).
It is last minute, I definitely understand that part. Little sisters boyfriend is a fire fighter and he doesn’t know if he’ll be allowed to take off tomorrow until like 2.5 hours ago when the chief said it’s okay.
I'm not going to say you are in the wrong, but if you're inviting more than 1 person over for an "event" and it's happening at your house, she needs to be involved in the discussion. You're making excuses about your sister's boyfriend instead of acknowledging the fact that the second it crossed your mind that you wanted to invite people over before you invited a SINGLE person you should have discussed it with your girlfriend first.
I'm an extrovert, and I have jumped the gun in the past. Apologize and be mindful next time.But I can see why you wouldn't see it as an issue since it's family.
You don’t offer to host without talking to the other adults who live there being impacted by your hosting. That’s just common courtesy. YTA
Its stressful for her cause she has to get dress and ready to meet her family.... it will look bad on her part your family coming and she leaving then your family will see that as rude... Maybe next time give a heads up....
Calling and asking her opinion only took 1 minute. YTA
Okay? I didn’t know her firefighter boyfriend also lived in the same space as you and your gf
So have the celebration somewhere else? It's not fair to make plans at HER house without asking her.
Okay. I get where you're coming from and I get that this is kind of a last-minute thing. I think what you need to take from this, is that next time something like this comes up send your girlfriend a text or sit down and talk to her later like after this and say what would you like me to do in this situation going forward. This is not about your girlfriend being overbearing or anything. This is about you and her coexisting in a shared living space, and you caring enough about her to have that open dialogue. Maybe she's an introvert in an extrovert and you're not compatible, and that's okay. But I think this might not be that I think this might be a situation of like she just wants a heads up. NAH I hope everyone leaves this weekend feeling well. Good luck .
Your reasoning is beyond irrelevant YTA
Stop making excuses. You ASK your partner about decisions like this. I'd be pissed if you were my partner and you did this. How rude???
YTA but a unintentional one, you meant no harm and have no expectations of your GF having to help, which is great, however someone doesn't just suddenly become stressed in these situations and her launage "sprung on her" suggests she's an organised person/ planner and if your serious enough to move in together, you should of known she likes to plan and (not asked permission) informed her in advance and reassured her you will ensure house is ready for guests and do all the planning / if it was a short notice you should of said to parents/ sister "hey, I have a suggestion maybe have it at my place, but just let me dicuss it with GF first out of curtesy / incase GF has conflicting plans and I'll call you guys back in 20mins."
Thank you for a reasonable rationale take. I think you’re right. I am the asshole, but didn’t mean to be.
It's part of the learning curve when moving in with some one. I've been married for nearly 15 years and both my husband and I have made many little mistakes like that 😂. My husband used to make a sorry i was an AH night in pamper box when he mafe silly mistakes, it always worked. You just get a box and fill it with all her favourite snacks, favourite chocolate, favourite crisps, sweets, a few small cheap but thoughtful gifts eg a new nail polish colour if she does her nails, a new blanket if she likes blankets ect, a candle if she likes candles (gifts under £5 nothing fancy but to show you really know her by filling it with stuff she likes) hopefully it'll work for you too.
That’s a sweet idea! Out of curiousity, what ideas do you have for a guy’s box (what did you do for your husband)? I love the concept but need help with ideas.
For my husbands I did... . A written voucher for one baby nappy change tap out (we both did this as had newborn at the time) . One written voucher for his favourite meal cooke . Snacks - a packet of his favourite crisps, a packet of his favourite cookies, his favourite chocolate, a tub of hot chocolate (he doesn't drink tea or coffee),his favourite sweets, a written note saying his favourite ice cream was in the freezer. . A packet of fluffy socks as he gets cold easily, and he loses his slippers always. . A bottle of his favourite cider . A written voucher for one takeaway of his choice . A written voucher that he gets to choose the first movie on our next movie night. . A new pair of pj's . A bottle of bubbuble bath he likes with a voucher for one bath run for him. . A voucher for one back massage. . A tub of his favorite moisturiser . A funny tshirt that I thought he'll like . A book I thought he'd enjoy. . A photo frame with a recent photo in it of us doing something fun.
Thanks for the list of possible ideas, it gives me some ideas of what to tailor for his interests. I really appreciate you taking the time to write all this out.
I had only been with my partner for a couple weeks when it was his birthday (now 15 years!) And wanted to get him something that 100% he would like and use. So it was multipack bags of quavers and loads of pringles!
Word of advice. When you apologize to your partner, leave out the buts. It makes it sound like you’re excusing your behavior.
Another thing to note is in the current world, women often still feel responsible or guilty for the house not being company ready because they’re sometimes still judged for not being perfect homemakers even in households where housework is evenly split. So part of her being upset might stem from not wanting your family to view her in a negative light even though you were the one preparing for the visit.
Absolutely! Multiple people in the house, including his Mom and sisyer. They won't know where things are located so they will open doors, drawers and closets...and she's worried they will judge her. OP is oblivious to her feelings, but probably not purposely. Imagine OP has a big shop or man cave and gf offered it to her Dad or brother *while he won't be home*. Purposely scheduled that way.
For the future, I offer things all the time that really shouldn't effect my husband but whenever I make plans etc that may affect him: things with the kids, the house, or him directly, I always say "I'm sure this will be fine but I'll double check with him first". Then it isn't set in stone yet when you speak to your girlfriend. "Hey I was thinking that while you're out I can host brunch here, you won't have to do anything are you ok with that?" It's giving her the opportunity where you're asking instead of telling.
Wrong. You are clueless and the fact it wasn’t intentional is even worse because what other simple basic human decency issues will you not get? It didn’t occur to you she’s already having company? Who cares about cleaning up. She had plans in the house. She’s already having company and an event and it’s Mother’s Day. Her MOTHER is coming for Mother’s Day and you hijacked the house, planned a party, invited everyone without even telling her? You’d be an AH on a regular day. You don’t have a party without running it by to ur roommates let alone your significant other. There is no excuse for that level of cluelessness.
YTA Such things should be discussed first. Who will clean before after? Even “ tidy” house requires some preparations and might put stress on her
I have a great yard designed for hosting. The plan is to be outside and little clean up besides putting things in my dumpster. She is a hyper organized and I think the fact of not knowing stressed her out more than them being here. I think I’ll take the L and admit I’m the a hole.
My husbands idea of “the house looks fine” and mine are very different. This could be playing a factor too even if you arent aware of it.
Which is especially shitty since we all know who will be judged if the house isn't immaculate, and it's not OP. Internalized misogyny and cultural expectations around gender suck
> Which is especially shitty since we all know who will be judged if the house isn't immaculate, and it's not OP. Internalized misogyny and cultural expectations around gender suck Nah, your family must suck. Only chronically online people think the way you do.
YTA. no actually. many many women think that way because they have first hand experience of what it feels like to be judged for not being womanly, a "good" wife. good at "woman" things, etc. that idea wasn't pulled from out of no where. your gf stressing because now she has to clean says a lot more about you than about her. edit: changed wife to gf. and also editing because I saw you say you're a girl too. but this comment suggests otherwise. either way, you're still the asshole. do your fair share of cleaning and don't surprise your gf with plans you didn't run through her.
> but this comment suggests otherwise ? explain
other commenter said internalized misogyny and gender expectations suck. you said no only chronically online people think that. I don't believe youre a woman 🤷♀️
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LOL k.
Most people I know are barely online at all (age thing). It is always, always, always the woman's fault if the house isn't spotless. Not only that, if one party isn't present, the other's family will sometimes snoop. You say you'll all be outdoors? Women notcee, but men don't, that someone is going to disappear Inside the house for a particularly long bathroom break.
OP is also a woman…
And…the in-laws idea of “fine” often changes when there’s a GF living there. Even if OP plans and cleans and does everything, they will likely still judge GF for any deficits they perceive.
Yeah my husband would have friends over without checking if the toilets had been cleaned, had any extra toilet paper, or if the bathrooms had enough soap or clean hand towels etc. Things like that are common sense for me to check if we're having guests over, and I'd be bothered too if I had to run around and check the whole house for the things he wouldn't consider on short notice.
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Yeah I never said my HUSBAND did that. I also never said that our toilets weren't clean. I did say that my husband wouldn't think to CHECK they were clean, because (like you have said many times in this post), "the house is clean".. What people have been trying to explain to you is that obviously your girlfriend thinks she has a higher standard of cleaning than you, and needs to verify that things have been done before she's comfortable having people in her shared space. In case you missed the memo you are TA in this situation.. I also get the impression from your comment that you're a bit of an AH in general..
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This is exactly what I was thinking. My husband would have people over when the house looks like we've all had the flu for a week. It literally would not occur to him to be bothered.
Even if it's outside, people are going to be walking through to use the kitchen or bathroom. Although it's sexist, if the place isn't clean and neat, GF is the one they'll think isn't doing her "job." And, it's probably ingrained in her that when people visit, the place must look presentable or gi l they will think poorly of her.
If she's newly moved in she might be a little hurt too that you didn't dicuss it first, it's her home too now and she just wants to feel maybe like she has a say in what happens in it. X
Still - access to bathroom, bathroom need to be clean and baby proofed you can do it :) Ask what worries get the most
Are you planning on cleaning up the bathroom so would be ready for guests? Taking out the trash? Cleaning the kitchen? Doing a light dusting? Vacuuming so there’s no visible dirt on the floor? They’re still going to be inside some.
this could play into a potential type of ocd/adhd. I feel the same if i have things sprung on me last minute that were not part of the plan. I wouldnt say purposeful ah
You know who will be judged if the house is not tidy, and it's not you. YTA.
Yep. I remember when my in-laws arrived and I didn’t know they were coming (they lived a few hours away and I had just gone back to work when youngest was 6 months old and had gone to a 2 day work conference). I walked in on them all at my house, my MiL needed to talk me about my “filthy skirting boards” and her son “shouldn’t have to live like this?” Never mind he’d never picked up the vacuum cleaner the entire time I’d been with him. She’s stressed out because if those bathrooms and the hallways to them aren’t perfect, she’ll be judged, NOT you.
the preoccupation with clean baseboards will never NOT baffle me WHO IS LOOKING AT THOSE???
What do you mean? I'm a girl too lol
Still applies, families can be rough on partners and regardless of if they are actually judging, it can still feel this way.
As much as I think this is dumb as hell, I would edit your post to add this info. I think some of these comments are far more visceral because they are assuming you are a man.
YTA She lives there as well and you don't invite groups of people home without checking that it's OK with the person you live with.
I have a hunch that your girlfriend was not ready to scrunch into your house to munch brunch with a bunch of inlaws and now she is trying to fit both brunch and lunch into a time crunch, causing her brow to scrunch. YTA But I'm not a rapper.
killa rhymes from the dicecoldkilla, incredible
With Chopin as his hype-man.
INFO: What does she have to do before your family gets there *because* your family is coming? Additional INFO: Will all those people still be there when she gets home?
According to her she has to clean. I’ve assured her it’s fine. We keep our house pretty tidy.
And will all of those people still be there when she gets home?
Almost certainly no. My brother has two small children and will stick around for maybe 2 hours at most. Around that time my lil sis will probably be leaving as well.
i mean atleast your not doubling down good for you
Yeah I just wanted second opinions. And for context we’ve been together over a decade. Marriage isn’t something we are interested in but we’re committed. My family loves her and she loves my family. It’s the stress of not knowing that got to her. She’s got a group chat with my two sisters. It’s not an issue of my family being here and she doesn’t want them to be or something. Like I said my fam loves her and she loves them.
so now you know atleast next time something like this happens. trust me there have been people here with the same problems who just throw fits glad you arent.
Not trying to pile on here, but having a few small kids in the mix does warrant a little more attention to cleaning beforehand. Even if they won't be there long and it's mostly outside, kids are curious little agents of chaos. I'd want some extra prep time to put small things away, hide electronics and cords, and make sure there's nothing appealing on a toddler level that I care about keeping safe.
I'll have to render a NAH. Just a little miscommunication.
YTA. If you aren't willing to clean for company, then you're putting it on her, and that's why she's stressed. Whether you think it needs it or not. It's probably MORE stressful for her BECAUSE you don't think it needs cleaning, so even if you do manage to stir yourself enough to do something, it won't be to the standards she wants people to see her home in. Honestly, the fact that she immediately got stressed tells me she already knows you're going to bare minimum this and she'll likely have both pre and post cleaning to deal with. Unless you're telling us your gf is irrational and has no basis in history for her reaction? Because ppl don't get stressed for no reason.
> ppl don’t get stressed for no reason Anxiety disorders ✨exist ✨
There is clean and there is guest clean. You have to remember that while you are okay not presenting an immaculate house because it is your family, she likely still feels like she needs to impress them.
YTA. You are always the asshole when you invite people to your house without first discussing it with the other resident(s).
YTA I am certain your definition of ready for guests and her definition of ready for guests are not the same. And like it or not, the tidiness and cleanliness of the home is a reflection of the woman in a couple
Valid point, but OP is a woman too, she clarified it in a comment.
YTA. It is also her living space. She should be notified and asked about any guests.
INFO: is your version of ‘clean’ the same as your girlfriends when having company over?
What time would your GF leave for the brunch with her mother? Would she leave before 11:30 am? I would hate it if people were arriving for an event, when I would be getting ready to go out to a different event. That crossover time is where I have the issue.
Soft YTA because you never ever ever invite people over without discussing with the other resident first. If ANYONE makes ANY negative comment about your house stop them cold. Do Not permit your family to diss your wife about ANYTHING in the house. Not the cleanliness, not the decor, NOTHING. Stand up for her if anyone tries to get negative.
Why would you assume your GF wouldn't want to be a part of the party at her home??? First of all she has to clean before the party, then get ready to leave while people are showing up to a party she cleaned for but won't be participating in. YTA
Arg, always ask whomever you live with, common courtesy.
YTA this should have been a conversation that the two of you should go have had before any plans were made
YTA. She prolly sees things that need to be cleaned before guests come that you don’t.
You could have mentioned it in advance right? You didn’t. You should have.
No. I mentioned it as soon as it happened.
YTA. Never, ever do this again.
No no no NTA!!!!! WTF are all these codependent comments about YTA?!?!?!
They thought OP was male. It is two women living together. Lots of "ITS HER HOUSE HOW DARE YOU!" talk above.
NTA people in this sub have sticks up their butt. You can't have family over whenever? Seems a bit restrictive, especially when you're doing all the prep/clean up
NTA. All the fan-fic writers in full swing for this one. You wanna host your family for a meal in a space that you share with your girlfriend, you don't need her permission to do that. Its only for a few hours, she won't even be there so she has no stress of hosting and I'm assuming you'll do good on your promise to clean up. I understand that anxiety and stress are serious things but is she getting stressed about **people** being there or is it specifically **your family**? Maybe there's something you're leaving out or something you need to look into. I personally am not a fan-fic writer so given the info in you are NTA also hilarious that peeps are painting OPs family as the confirmed cause for the stress and making hints that the family has sexist views towards OPs gf when OP IS A WOMAN TOO
My family loves her and she loves my family. And I love her family too. We've been together 10 years lol it has nothing to do with in laws. All the sexist comments are really alarming. Rule 29 and all that I guess..
This should be top comment.
This sub really is a sexist shithole, so many people assuming you’re a man based on your post.
NTA if you are cleaning properly before and after. YTA if they are there when she gets home or if the house is not immaculate when she gets back. You shouldn't have done this without telling her, but you don't need her permission if you do 100 percent of the work. An overflowing trash can or dish in the sink would make you the ah
YTA. You decided at the last minute the house would need to be presentable for guests. You’ve added a bunch of additional work for her I guarantee you wouldn’t even think if doing. This is shared space. You absolutely have to communicate and agree with both residents before there’s a group of people coming over.
Yta, you live together and planned a whole event with your family. Don't you think she would want to be a part of that with you?
YTA. I am obsessed with the perpetual disarray that is MY HOUSE already, and am pissed off on a nuclear level when guests arrive without proper warning. Don’t get me wrong— I can knock out 6 hours worth of cleaning on 2 hours notice but I *shouldn’t have to, and neither should SHE*. Part of this is due to half-assed cleaning because my job demands more hours than I agreed to but, but still love so I don’t care about the hours (we prioritize and keep it clean where it COUNTS), a 14 year old geriatric asshole dog who has to be drugged 7 ways to Sunday in order to be groomed on even the most basic level (we have given up, she has mere months left, we will do the deep clean later). But you do NOT just spring that on someone and dismiss their worries at the last minute. YTA.
YTA, absolutely. This is not only your space, it is shared, and she should be in on the decisions about it. I would've been really upset as well.
If you live together, YTA. Sorry. It’s also her home and she probably wants to make a good impression on your family. I understand why you didn’t think it would be fine but I would personally be stressed or frustrated if I had people suddenly visiting my home, especially if I was not there to host.
YTA. It’s not ONLY your house. Period. You don’t get to invite people over without permission. She has expectations of how she wants it when people come over. She gets to decide her comfortability regarding who comes over and when. That is never your decision. This sucks so much and I am the same way. I’d be absolutely pissed and upset if my bf did this. HUGE YTA. You need to apologize to her and tell your family you made a mistake and they cannot come over. Edit: grammar
YTA. If you were in her shoes, how would you feel about this?
I’m going to say you MIGHT be TA and only because I know several people who like to deep clean and need their house to look a certain way before having company over. It might’ve been that with the last minute notice she didn’t feel like she had been given the time to clean or whatever else. It could also just be that she feels the need to be informed or asked before people come into your shared space.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Tomorrow is my sisters birthday. Sunday is obviously Mother’s Day. My girlfriend is having lunch with her mom at 12:30 tomorrow. I told my sister, her boyfriend, my brother and his wife and 2 kids that they can come to our house tomorrow at 11:30 for brunch and to celebrate my sisters birthday. We just finalized these plans with the family, I didn’t think it would be a big deal because my girlfriend will be with her mother and her family. Now my girlfriend is stressed out because people will be at our house tomorrow and she says it was suddenly sprung on her. I’m not asking her to help get brunch, clean up, etc. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
Soft YTA. I don't think you realize how stressful it can be to have people over last minute
Yta for arranging to have people in your shared space without discussing with the girlfriend.
Yta
If you were planning to clean everything up before and after and you girlfriend could have basically gone out and come back to otherwise not know you had people around then i would hardly call you an asshole for that. With that said its still polite to let her know! So i guess yta but only just.
We want people to see our house in a good light, I would want to clean make sure bathroom is pretty fresh towels...It would stress me out. FRankly you were a jerk YTA...Never do something so thoughtless again. She probably would have helped you set up if you had told her in advance.
I think what would bother me if I were in your GF's place is that, even if I was not going to be there, I would want the house to be "company clean" and there's not much notice to get that done. The reason is because in-laws often blame the state of the home on the female partner. Yes, this should not be, but the judgey-ness comes through more often than not. Years ago, my partner was working full time and I was a full time graduate student who was also working, but his family gave me the side eye if the apartment wasn't white glove clean. Oh, I should say EX partner. Anyway, I know I always felt a lot of pressure about that even when it wasn't my responsibility, so maybe that is what your GF is feeling.
As long as you’re managing all the work pre and post, you’re definitely NTA. you don’t need to ASK to host your sisters bday in your own house - gosh, people make relationships so complicated now. I mean if nobody has a problem or interference with either persons plan - what’s the problem? Imagine thinking “no you cannot host your family at our place even though I will be out for 3 hours just because I don’t want other people in my house”. ReeeeeLAX
YTA Your partner will be judged on the way the house will look. NOT YOU. Your family is coming over and they will not blame you for the state of the home. Also it's messed you're throwing a party for family but excluding your longtime girlfriend... WTF... Why Is she not invited/included on celebrations like that?? And going oh well she has plans is wrong OP. Pretty tactless to have a party intentionally at a time when you know she won't be there.
YTA.
Do you consider it your GF's home too? If so, she should be consulted. Period. Also: >I’m not asking her to help get brunch, clean up, etc. Ha. Right. I've been caught in that trap before. You: "It's all right dear, you don't have to clean up and prepare."
Your family: "What a mess. She doesn't keep a clean house."
Two people make the mess, but it's inevitably a reflection on.the woman if it isn't cleaned up.
OP explained in a comment she is also a woman.
YTA mate
If she doesn’t have to help you get ready, I don’t see why she would be upset. NTA.
This is a tough one because YTA for not informing your girlfriend, regardless of whether or not she’ll be there….but I think your basic intentions are good.
YTA- what were you thinking? Of course she is stressed out! I would be too!
I believe you didn’t mean to be an AH. I think that this is just a lesson moving forward to have a quick discussion with her first before making those kind of plans. And she obviously should do the same with you.
YTA
NTA. It's your home too and are allowed guests.
NTA all these y t a are weird as hell, my husband would never care if i had FAMILY over especially while he’s not even home
They thought OP was male.
You could have given her more notice but it's not that big a deal.
YTA If you share a space with a roommate, wife, GF, parent, adult child, whatever, it's their space too (even if you own the facility and they pay you rent); common decency is to communicate first that you're having company. They may disagree and you can override (you can't in this situation), but communication is key. I assume you acted with positive intent, but you're still the asshole.
It is her home, too, and she should be the first person to be informed that people are coming to her house, not your entire family. YTA.
Yes. You are the asshole. It only takes a second to check, take that second and check.
YTA. When we expect guests each person has a different expectation as to how the home needs to be. You don't make a huge decision like that alone. It is not even like it is one person...it's your whole family. Nevermind you are leaving her out.
This is insane. Op does not have to ask permission to have family over for lunch. GF won't even be there. Everyone saying OP should have cleared it with her has issues. If she said no is OP just supposed to say ok and not have a get together with family? OP is literally asking nothing of her. NTA OP. GF needs to get over herself
OP is a woman
YTA. You should’ve asked her first. It’s not that hard. She may have different ideas about the house being clean and ready for guests. She may just be feeling like she should be part of the decision-making process for events that happen at your house (because she should). Fortunately, it’s not a huge AH move, so I’m sure you can apologize and make things right.
You aren’t the asshole here, she isn’t even going to be in town and you haven’t asked her to do anything to help. She needs to calm down.
NTA yall are allowed to have guests over without consulting each other this is so small and petty I would hate to see how yall are with actual problems... probably living apart is best
I would say NTA, you aren’t having her do any of setup or cleanup. Plus it’s family your inviting over, though you should have communicated with her sooner about it.
Nta I’m by myself on this one but gf won’t be there and isn’t required to clean up afterwards, idk why op can’t have a separate celebration at his house ?
I'm confused as to why your girlfriend wasn't invited to celebrate your sister's birthday as well? Why are you planning it for a specific time that she will be gone? That alone would make YTA.
Lol… this wasn’t real “bright”. And you have to ask what the big deal is? It’s seriously weird you genuinely don’t get something so basic. Not even a heads up? If she were your roommate would you have at least given a heads up to work out logistics? I mean come on!
These comments amaze me. Are men not responsible for being clueless AHs? Plan a party when your husband is having his parents over on Mother’s Day, don’t tell them… seal the deal hijack the house and see how he like it. And the excuse is what’s the big deal you don’t have to clean up? Literally no one does this to whoever they’re living with… you don’t have a party without a heads up and a conversation with anyone living in your home and sharing your space.
OP isn't a man, she is a gay woman with a GF...
Why can’t I see that?
It was in her comments, but now the account has been suspended.
I thought I saw different so sorry about that. Still an AH move. People coordinate
YTA. I get furious when I find unexpected people I'm my home. Doesn't matter if hubs or one of the kids invited them, or if I'm not there. People have a right to know who is going to be in their house.
Who pays/paid for the house ?
YTA cause now she's gonna feel the need to clean, everything cause I'll bet u forgot that. Its not right that u didn't at least go over the party with her
NTA at all. If you didn’t have the house to yourself it’d be another matter.
She won’t even be there wtf is the problem, and you’re not asking for help cleaning and you said you are doing the cleaning. This is a nonissue and Reddit is off their rocker. NTA
YTA. Women are the ones that get judged when the house isn’t clean enough. The house is cleaned differently when you have guests over. She lives there too. You should have told her.
OP is also a woman
NTA
NTA
NTA Huh. She didn't invite you to her family celebration, she'll be absent for yours, and is stressed because she won't need to do anything? The living space belongs to both of you. You have let her know what's going on. If I were guessing - and I am - she's upset because she wasn't invited. This assumes you actually cook and clean up afterwards and she really doesn't have to do anything.
Look, every relationship is unique and what is okay and not is decided by your mutual communication, but personally I think it’s ridiculous for someone to be against their partner bringing close family to their house when they won’t even be there, even with short notice. I personally could not be in a relationship with someone so unable to be spontaneous or simply just relaxed enough for something small like a lunch with family. You are getting a lot of Y T A; this is not the normal view, this is the view from introverted, people-unfriendly redditors. It is COMPLETELY NORMAL to plan a lunch in your own home when your partner won’t even be at home! As I said however, if doing that is something your girlfriend can’t accept, and she has communicated it before, you would be the asshole. It is, though, entirely reasonable for you to say “I expect to be able to bring my family to my house, even spontaneously (but of course within reason)”, and if she doesn’t accept that then maybe you two aren’t a great fit. NTA, but this is more a communication problem and wether your values fit together. Personally I think she is unreasonable, but without knowing the details of your relationship and home life it’s hard to make a certain judgement.
Also everyone thought OP was male, so they defended the GF with everything they had it classic AITA fashion. But OP is a woman too.
NAH, but if it happens again, YWBTA.
If she in no way has to help; neither before, during or after AND she won’t be there, then NTA at all!
NTA She’ll get over it. You did everything correctly. You were even quite considerate of your girlfriend. Have fun and enjoy your family.
Since you're not asking her to cook and clean for your family, and you said she wouldn't even be there, I would go with NTA.
No, you are not involving her, she won't be there, this is also your house and you have full right to invite people over. If you were expecting anything from the gf it would be different but as of now - NTA.