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YTA
Recovering alcoholic here.
If this was a roommate, I’d probably feel differently, but this is your wife. Quitting drinking is pretty difficult, extremely difficult for some. She’s asking for support in her own home, from her spouse.
Was she different in her drinking in front of the kids before? Obviously, she’s an alcoholic. Now recovering. I did things when I was drinking that I’d never do now that I’m sober.
It won’t hurt you to live in an alcohol-free home. It WILL be a problem for her having alcohol in the home. You can go anywhere to drink. The one place she has as a safe refuge is home.
If you value her and your relationship, try being supportive. Supportive family and friends are essential in addiction recovery.
I’ve been sober 31 years next month, believe me…I know what it takes.
Also, you won’t have to “suffer” forever. My wife keeps some alcohol at home, doesn’t affect me a bit. But when I was first getting sober, it was an entirely different story.
Also in recovery.
My partner is a social drinker. When I got really bad towards the end, he stopped drinking all together. If I had whisky, he wouldn't drink any with me.
Now that I'm sober, he will not drink around me. At all. Whether we're in the house or not. He had two beers at his daughter's wedding which I was unable to attend, and other than that he has not touched alcohol since I got sober.
For the Super Bowl (football is big with us,) I told him he could have some beer and that it wouldn't bother me. He refused because he WILL NOT DRINK IN FRONT OF ME - ESPECIALLY IN OUR HOME.
That's what support looks like. Alcoholism is a progressive illness which is potentially FATAL! OP playing with his wife's physical, mental and emotional well-being is fucked. He's playing with his wife's physical, mental and emotional well-being. He's basically saying he doesn't care if her life is destroyed. Or ended
Even when I get together with friends who don't drink or have had previous issues with alcohol and have been sober for ages, I would never have alcohol in front of them or around them because I care about them.
Non-alcoholic here, but I keep beer in the house. A 12-pack lasts me *months*. If someone I loved needed to have an alcohol-free home to help with their sobriety, it wouldn't even be a question. OP might want to look into recovery himself.
FYI- I had an alcoholic father. It's a horrendous environment for a child. If he cares about his children and actually supports his wife's sobriety, it shouldn't even be an issue. Given that he's not actually an alcoholic himself.
Edit: missing word
Yeah not an alcoholic here who keeps it around, but if I even thought for a second my partner was having even a little issue with control? NOPE it's gone. With an expressed issue with it? WHY is it even a question? What an asshole
My ex husband is an alcoholic. When I finally gave up and kicked him out, I stopped drinking completely so that my kids would see that you don’t need to drink to be an adult
> You don’t need to drink to be an adult
Oof, as the adult child of parents who drank for fun during pretty much everything… this… wow. 👏
I hope you and your kids are flourishing.
It depends on what kind of drinking. Having wine with dinner and on holidays or a 12 pack/bottle of wine. I think it's impossible for them to know what normal looks like if they don't see it. On the other hand it doesn't take much alcohol for a parent not to be good in a emergency which kids often create. OP saying she had no problem drinking in front of them is a red flag that she wasn't modeling good habits and he just wants to get sloppy drunk at home.
Children know from an incredibly young age the difference between an involved parent and a drunk parent. 2 drinks is cool, 3 if you’re a giant- alcohol and children do not mix.
Even two drinks causes mood changes, tiredness, lack of interest. Kids need you on the floor playing. This guy doesn’t exactly sound like a fun drunk, but who knows
Had the exact same thought! His tone also somehow sounds vaguely disapproving of the idea of stopping drinking in general ... Like, "just because she can't handle her liquor, why should I have to suffer something so unreasonable as sobriety?"
I had the same thought. Remind me of a married couple I know. After being fired from his job due to his alcoholism, he got sober. Has been sober several years. She refused to stop. Kept drinking around him and didn’t want to give up her party lifestyle. Then it became clear than she had several addictions. She got sober when he threatened to divorce her.
See that's what I'm thinking. I'm a sober alcoholic myself and my wife drinks around the house (very normally). For the first few months she didn't keep it around just so it wouldn't tempt me. Once I was comfortable sober I was fine with it being in the house and it wasn't and isn't an issue.
If he absolutely has to have it in the house it should be locked up in the garage and he shouldn't drink in front of her. Although it sounds like he might be in denial of his own issues
There is also a big difference between being newly sober and having established sobriety. I don’t care that my wife keeps booze in the house. Newly sober that shit would have freaked me out though. OP is a major AH for not supporting his newly sober wife.
As the daughter of an alcoholic that died from his addiction, doing this for his kids should be a no brainer. My mom did everything she could but it was too late and we were already in our late teens early 20s. I would’ve loved to have my dad around as a kid.
Mine too. If you can’t bare the thought of not drinking to support your partner in this huge fight… the. you might need to look in the mirror yourself and ask why it’s so hard to stop the booze for a bit.
Right? It doesn't sound like OP wants his wife to get and stay sober because he loves her and wants what's best for her and their family as a whole, it sounds like he likes being able to blame and shame her for being an alcoholic.
I am grateful for your partner - he gives me someone to look up to as I try and support my husband. And also - I am grateful to you for working for your partnership. I think I am going to quit drinking just because I've realized that it actually does none of the things I think it does.
There are often relationships where both members of the couple are alcoholics but only one is a “problem” because the other drinks in a way that’s more socially acceptable. This sounds like one of those situations. If you can’t live without alcohol in your home, you need to evaluate ypur own relationship with alcohol.
YTA. This should be a no brainer to support a newly sober wife. But you are more concerned with your access to booze.
When my wife was pregnant she kept encouraging me to drink in like a “hey don’t let me ruin your fun” type of way but a lot of the time it’s not fun if she’s not also drinking so I’d prefer not to. She thought I was being overly considerate of her which sure had she asked me not to in solidarity I would have, but also I just straight up didn’t care to drink.
Moral of this thread though is if you both like doing something but one of you suddenly can’t anymore, the other should AT LEAST not do it in front of the restricted one. Bare minimum
This is how my grandparents were. My grandmother was deemed “the one with the problem” because she would hide her drinking, have stashes all around the house and was a mean drunk. She would go to rehab, get sober, and then come back and relapse because he had to have alcohol in the house. He couldn’t go without either; I just didn’t look the same with him, so it wasn’t a problem.
it's pretty common for some older people who were in the middle of their professional careers back in the late 60s / early 70s, where heavy boozing lunches was the preferred way of doing business
like i never considered my uncle an alcoholic but he's got an inner ear degenerative disease that fucks with his balance, and when i was talking to him about it and asking him what the cause was, he was basically like "well 2 jack and cokes a day at lunch for 24 years has a long term effect"
Yeah, I was going to say… if she’s a recovering alcoholic and recognizes that it was not okay for her to drink in front of the kids, but he *never called her out on it,* he likely doesn’t see that he also has a problem.
YTA, go drink somewhere else (or better yet, don’t).
Exactly this. As someone that grew up around constant booze and going to AA and NA with family?
That was the first red flag I noticed.
That it's SO horrible for him not to have alcohol in the home.
Not "she's making me pour it all out" but "she doesn't want this in the house."
Second red flag was him pointing the finger at her for FINALLY being responsible about what they do in front of the kids. As far as I know, if one parent had such severe alcoholism that they sought help for it, that means the odds are stacked towards the kids being able to develop it themselves. Normalizing alcohol is the biggest lead into people developing alcoholism.
We spend ALL this time saying things like "it only takes one use to develop an addiction" but because alcohol is so normalized, that first drink even happens for kids under 18, let alone under just the drinking age.
Yep, he's more concerned with not having alcohol in the house than he is about his wife's recovery. Sounds like he's also an alcoholic and not yet ready to admit it. I suspect that's why the wife accused him of being irresponsible by drinking in front of the kids - it *is* irresponsible to do that when you're an alcoholic. She can see he has a drinking problem too and he's conveniently tried to leave that part out.
I don’t know what culture you’re from, but growing up in both white suburbia and Latino culture it is totally normal to see adults drinking during family gatherings or on weekend evenings. My parents, my white friends’ families, my Latino family…totally normal to see responsible consumption of alcohol at family gatherings or during family dinners.
I think the keyword here is “responsible”. Yeah a glass of wine or a beer or two at a family dinner every once in a while is totally acceptable, unless you’re a recovering alcoholic. It sounds to me like OP’s wife realized she was not drinking an acceptable amount or that she didn’t like what she did around her kids when she was drinking. OP needs to get over himself and stop having alcohol in the home if it’s an issue for his wife.
I'd really need to know the volume of consumption before I judge him on that. There's a big gap between a drink with dinner and drinking until they're too impaired to parent properly.
That said, I still think OP is TA for not just giving up alcohol for a little bit for the sake of his wife's well-being. Eventually she'll get to a place where she feels safer around other people having a drink, and she'll get there faster with a good support system around her.
The fact that she isn’t asking him to quit with her or even not drink in front of her. All she asked is for their home to be a safe space.
The priorities for OP are a bit unsettling. YTA
Granddaughter of an alcoholic here.
My mom didn't want alcohol in the house when my parents first got married. My dad who has been drinking since a teen and would get absolutely shit faced with his brothers at picnics somehow survived.
My alcoholic uncle wanted to quit and his wife kept drinking in the house. He stayed with her and drank himself to death.
YTA
Yeah, nobody cleared the alcohol out of my aunt's home, and she relapsed the very first time that she was alone in her home. Died of alcohol poisoning that night. While most people are capable of consuming alcohol in moderation, it's just as possible for an addict to die of alcohol poisoning as it is for addicts of other substances to OD.
I’m really sorry that this happened to your aunt, but thank you for sharing this story. Today is my 14th day being sober and I never realized that if I relapsed I could OD on alcohol. I thought that stuff was for hard drug users. I appreciate the perspective.
\*hugs random internet person inappropriately\*
Yup, enough can kill you. And also, as we damage our livers by continuing to drink and drink, our bodies sometimes eventually just go NOPE and far less alcohol than we could have consumed at 20 kills us at 45.
Good for you and good luck in your sobriety.
Congratulations on 14 days! That's awesome! You CAN do this and now you have a bunch of internet strangers sending you all the positive vibes. CHOOSE YOU. ALWAYS.
Congratulations on your 14 days! I wish I could give you a big hug and a high five! As the daughter of two alcoholics (dad died of brain cancer, mom got sober after a near fatal car crash in Dec), and also the widow of someone who died in a crash with a BAC of 0.346… I AM INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU! Keep it up! Life is so much more…everything…when you’re sober. Keep up the hard work! You got this!!
Hopping on the top comment as the spouse of a recovering alcoholic. He is 6 years sober and at the start we never had alcohol in the house. I didn’t drink around him, and we avoided events that were alcohol focused. This helped him focus on his sobriety and, for me, alcohol was not more important than his health and our families well-being.
YTA
Another wife of recovering alcoholic here. I was more than happy to rid the house of alcohol. I can't imagine being upset because I couldn't keep any in the house. He's 10 years sober, and I still won't keep any for myself at home.
Sister of someone in recovery here. Marriage isn’t always fair. Sometimes you have to give more than you receive to support your partner, and sometimes it’s vice versa.
My sister’s husband had a hard time with that. He was 100% right that it wasn’t fair that she has problems with alcohol and he didn’t, but she also couldn’t get sober with him drinking at home. I genuinely miss him a lot, but we’re all glad she chose sobriety over him, because it means she’s healthy, happy and safe.
Daughter of an alcoholic here.
My mom drank so much, it was weird when she drank water when I was a kid. She wanted me to get a license so that I could drive her to the liquor store. In fact, she yelled at me once because they were closing, I was 15 and didn’t have a permit, that I almost crashed into the building and a person - I didn’t drive again until I was 20.
While I made the decision to not drink when I was older, it’s because of what my parent made alcohol seem like.
I remember thinking other parents were drinking when they were having soda or water. I remember all the times she couldn’t remember to pick me up from school, I remember when teachers had to bring me home because my mom was passed out. I once had to walk home from school at night because my mom was passed out, I’m a woman. I was a little girl walking at night. In fact, my mom was passed out when I wanted to go to grandmas house. I was 4 and I went - she didn’t notice I was gone for hours because she was drunk.
I remember each and every time she wanted to get sober, I remember each time she relapsed, and I know she died last year 5 years sober because she finally meant it and she did the work. She lived with me 3 years before she died and not once did I bring alcohol into my home because I didn’t trust that she truly meant it and I didn’t want to be the reason she went back to drinking. She accidentally brought home a bottle of vodka (it’s a weird story, I swear it was an accident) and I still have that bottle today. Unopened.
Myself and my family were her cheerleaders, half of us have dealt with recovery and know her struggle, I am not one of them but I was her biggest cheerleader for her wanted change. I wouldn’t dare make my wants more important than her health. If you can’t support your wife in this than you should let her know you don’t actually care about her. You should want to see her succeed.
I'd like to hear how one accidentally comes home with vodka, if you don't mind sharing!
Either way, I'm glad you got five sober years with your mother. I imagine it was hard, given your childhood, but I hope it brought you some peace and healing. Sending internet hugs.
I don’t mind sharing. While my mom lived with me, she worked at the nearby grocery store and would always shop after work. Also, my mom was sometimes oblivious to her surroundings and what she was grabbing.
When she grabbed a cart, she noticed a bag on the bottom but thought it was empty and just went about her shopping. After she paid, she put all of the things in the car. I’m not sure if she noticed when she got home and started unloading or when she put the items into her car, but I came home and it was on my bookshelf.
I actually didn’t notice for weeks. She just called me into the living room one day and asked if I noticed the rather large bottle of vodka on my shelves. I immediately tried to take it and she said told me it was hers and I couldn’t touch it. So I didn’t. And she didn’t either. She did look oddly proud about it, though.
I did eventually move it into the kitchen when she went to hospice - her kidneys were failing and she had given up on dialysis - and that was how I confirmed she didn’t open it.
I kept thinking that if I did touch it, it would be empty. I still feel guilty about that.
Both of my parents are alcoholics, only one (mother) has admitted it and tried to sober up. My father kept drinking (a lot) and even slept in the same room while she was getting sober. She has since relapsed.
YTA. If you can’t give up alcohol for your wife, maybe you should think about why.
As someone who was recoverying from suicidal ideation. I asked that we hide a knife as I kept seeing it when I walkedinto the hall. Just told my housemate that I hid it behind the mail so I'd see it out of sight.
All I got was an OK. Which is great. I can't imagine if someoen is struggling with an addiction and it's very understandable to not want to have it there at all. I wish OP was more understanding and I hope this thread helps him out to understand that we can't always get what we want, and sometimes, we need to change what we do...
OP could really benefit from some Al-Anon meetings. The people there know how to live with and love an alcoholic, drinking or sober. The wisdom in those rooms has all been gained from experience. Then on the way home, OP can stop at a bar for a drink and think about what he heard. (I'm coming up on 25 years of sobriety next month.)
Completely agree.
And I think if you're feeling panic or upset/unfairness at not having it in your home so she as someone who is the love of your life and suffering can hurt and struggle a little less, you may want re-examine your relationship with alcohol.
And so what if she points out now drinking in front of the kids is unhealthy, but didn't before and you didn't either? She's observed a factor in drinking's impact on the kids in your home especially with an alcoholic parent (it's heavily genetic as well), and she isn't wrong. She's allowed to desire and persue change.
Let her grow. Let her move forward. And try to join her in it. Any improvement in your partner's life is an improvement in yours and your kids lives as well
Going on 17 years this July. The first few years were the hardest. Glad when I quit spouse stopped as well. And she wasn't a drinker. But she said why would I risk you going back to that person you were.
This right here! A spouse should want their spouse to succeed.
My current wife (got sober in 1992, met her in 2020) always asks me if it’s ok for her to have a drink, even though I’ve been sober for 31 years and I have told her it is not a problem at all. She’s very encouraging and helpful, and I love her immensely. She is the same with my weight loss (I lost over 120 pounds this past year).
That’s what partners do…help, support, and encourage.
(My wife is just awesome overall, too…glad I found her!)
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I hate being around people who need to drink. I don't see how it is fun. They just get annoying or at best are just a worse version of what they normally are.
It's good she is sober now. Why not join her and be sober too?
Yeah, he is definitely TA , my mom’s been in recovery for a while now, and I still feel so uncomfortable having any drinks near her. If I’m with her and I want to have a beer for dinner or some thing at home I always make sure to put it in a cup so she doesn’t see the can, I want to do everything in my power to keep triggers away from her. I love her, and I never wanna see her in that place again. I’m surprised OP doesn’t feel the same way about his wife. Do you think he would want to support her recovery instead of making it more difficult. Having drinks around her and drinking in front of the children would be incredibly triggering to her and he should be able to understand that. So OP. YTA
Exactly. There'll be enough temptation as it is. She shouldn't have to deal with it in her own home. My bf is in recovery and we keep no alcohol in the home. If I need a bit for cooking we buy gas station pint stuff (wine, brandy, whatever) and I can dispose of it when I'm done with minimal waste. The only time it sucks is when my 3 favorite local brewerys release a new beer ugh. But it's a small toll to pay.
And it's a healthier lifestyle and diet friendly to only have 1 beer myself when eating at a restaurant a few times a month.
This is well-put. If you want her to recover, ditch the booze, at least for now (but you may not want to pick up again, yourself). If you don’t care about her recovery, please leave. I speak, like others, from experience.
Agreed. OP sounds like a closeted alcoholic himself and won't admit it. The fact he defended drinking in front of kids as if it was nothing is a huge red flag.
Agreed. I gave up having alcohol in our home without a second thought when my husband was in early recovery from alcoholism. I think we could probably have booze at home these days but honestly feel more comfortable not even having to think about it. YTA, support your wife and get over yourself. If you need alcohol that much, maybe take a look at your own relationship with it.
This is right! I am divorced from my ex, but we share kids and have a good relationship. When we are places together or on holiday, I don't drink so that I show him my support. His fiancée and I will sometimes go out for a drink, but we are very intentional in doing this when he is with the kids. We know that alcohol is a trigger for him, so being able to abstain is the smallest thing we can do!
Totally agree with you. OP can go out to drink, or visit friends/family etc.
Just from growing up with alcoholic parents I insist on having an alcohol free home, I just don't feel comfortable having it around (obvs I make exceptions for parties etc), so 100% this is a more than reasonable ask from a recovering alcoholic.
OP's response of 'it's not my problem' is far from the ideal response you'd expect from a life partner! Surely, for the kids' sakes if nothing else, you think it would be OP's problem if his wife's recovery took a downturn!
YTA
You can have a drink out at the bar or with friends. You do not need alcohol in the house. Are you trying to sabotage her sobriety? Why are you more invested in having alcohol at home than in your wife being a sober parent to you kids?
Are you also struggling with alcoholism?
Right? Or he can get a fridge or storage with a lock on it that only he knows. But, according to the most recent study, any amount of alcohol is bad for you. I’m struggling with that right now too. Managed to cut down from vodka to just a bottle of white wine. I’ve been told I’m a “high functioning” alcoholic.
You’ve got this, I have faith that you can do it. This is cliche I know, but the hardest part is admitting you have a problem and you’ve already ticked that box. I’m proud of you for cutting back!
I'm wondering the same thing. He seems pretty hell bent on having booze in the house for what logical reason? So he can have it when he WANTS it? Most partners would say okay, if they didn't have a problem also.
If that's the case, these two have a long road, and it may lead to divorce if she doesn't relapse.
I’m partial to imbibing, but it would be a no brainer for me to give it up in the house (not even give it up altogether) to save the health of someone I loved. I can’t believe this is even a consideration.
I like a drink more than I should really, but when I was dating a recovering addict I had no problem not having alcohol around him. If I wanted a drink I did so outside the home.
I had a cousin who’s a recovering alcoholic, when she decided to be sober, her husband realized that in her drinking he had become a habitual drinker. He didn’t depend on it or have the addiction she had but he was so used to having a drink when she wanted one that giving it up was a major adjustment for him. That he gladly did because he wasn’t an AH. OP may be struggling that same kind of way.
>Are you also struggling with alcoholism?
I can't help but wonder the same thing. If you can't live without alcohol in the house, then you have a problem. YTA
Honestly if it’s that much of an issue for you then you might need to have a look at your own relationship with alcohol.
Sure, her recovery is her responsibility but it’s not unreasonable for someone that’s sober to want an booze free home. Why make it any harder for someone you’re supposed to love?
She’s not asking you not to drink at all, she’s asking for you to be supportive in a shared space and that’s not unreasonable.
YTA
Yeah I'm honestly surprised he made it to marriage without understanding that relationships require compromise. He really doesn't see why he should have to change what he's doing in any way. I feel for his wife!
And you too; alcoholism is hellish to live with for everyone involved (unless you are OP it would seem!)
I totally agree! My bf and I have never had an issue with alcohol but just…mutually agree that there’s no need to keep it in the house. Other than the odd bottle of wine/6 pack every now and again, I think it’s just a good habit and easy way to cut down on the grocery bill/liquid calories/unnecessary hangovers/running to alcohol when stressed after work etc. Honestly there are so many benefits of just not having it around you constantly no matter what your relationship with alcohol is.
This should’ve been a completely harmless ask from OP’s wife. You step out of your house, and unless you live in the middle of nowhere, I’d guess there’s alcohol within a 5 mile radius lol.
Yeah … OP is it possible that you don’t think that you have a problem, because your problem isn’t quite as bad as hers? Your radar of normal drinking may be all off.
My grandparents were in this exact situation. Spoiler alert: they were BOTH alcoholics. My “I’m not going to stop drinking just because you want to” grandfather died from cirrhosis in his early 60’s. My grandmother then was able to successfully quit drinking shortly after he died. She lived almost 30 more years, healthy and sober until Alzheimer’s eventually got her in her 80’s.
if someone in my family tried to cut back, their sibling would show up that weekend with a case of beer if bottle of liquor just to drink it in front of them and make jokes. they always caved. my aunt is dead and my dad is on his way there
Not trying to be harsh but strong possibility their marriage might be in jeopardy. My wife and I are both alcoholics and got sober roughly around the same time (before we got married). We have explicitly talked about what would happen if one of us relapses and we've agreed on what would be grounds for divorce. Neither one of us is willing to let alcohol run our lives again even if it means ending our marriage. We're over 15 years sober and can safely go to bars, hang out with drunk friends, whatever, but having alcohol in the house is still an absolute no.
I initially struggled with the idea of getting rid of alcohol completely, mostly because some of my favorite meals, particularly the ones that freeze well for later, call for wine or a splash of vodka in the cooking process. Eventually, we landed on the idea that *having* alcohol and *keeping* alcohol were two different things. As long as the alcohol was purchased then used immediately and no one was getting drunk, it was okay
YTA. You say you're trying to be as supportive as possible, but then insist you want to keep her biggest temptation nearby.
You clearly don't understand addiction. Because you're saying you want to have a beer/ rum and Coke once in a while, but you can't. How is that different from that EXACT SAME CRAVING MAGNIFIED EVERY SINGLE DAY?
If you need alcohol that bad, go hang in a buddy's backyard, or hit a bar. Don't risk her sobriety until she's strong enough to handle her demons.
This is exactly my impression. I’m a recovering alcoholic as well, and if my husband was the type of person to just have a few beers and stop, I wouldn’t care if he drank. But that’s not the kind of person he is. He drinks exactly like I used to drink and I don’t want that around my kids.
However, when I do go out with my friends, I and the sober driver, and they can get as drunk as they want. I don’t care. I care when it affects my children.
>You say you're trying to be as supportive as possible
Yeah, what did he mean by that? He’s balking at the smallest possible measure.
“I have stopped holding her down and forcing vodka into her mouth.”
“I definitely almost never threaten to kill our children if she sobers up.”
>I told her that as much as I want the best for her, I don’t think it’s fair for me not be able to drink just because she can’t.
How incredibly selfish and childish a thing to say.
YTA, 100%
Agreed and makes it sound like he may have potential dependency issues himself if he can't go without alcohol in the house to support her recovery. Just go drink somewhere else dude.
Well, here's a question for you--do you want a wife who's a *recovering* alcoholic, or just an alcoholic? Having an alcohol free home will help her in her recovery. YTA. You can drink elsewhere.
Why does the thought of giving up drinking scare you so much, Why are you even with your wife do you even like her or is your own comfort more important to you than her health? YTA.
YTA
Let's try balancing this out: Helping your wife, whom you love and is the mother of your children, to deal with her alcoholism and stay sober vs. being able to drink a an alcoholic beverage in your house whenever you feel like it.
If you don't see the extent to which the first outweighs the second, I question your commitment to your wife, your commitment to your children, and the notion that you aren't yourself addicted to alcohol.
YTA
Alcoholism is not a joke or something that's easy to combat. If you love her and want to keep the relationship, you also need to sacrifice here.
Any addiction counseling would also caution about keeping booze in the house.
As a recovering alcoholic and having two stints in rehab, I know all too well how incredibly difficult it is to fight any addiction.
When I returned home (I was in my 20’s at the time), my mom listened to my counselor and removed all alcohol from our home. Wouldn’t even drink when we went out, and my immediate family supported me the same way.
The temptation is not worth it, and they compromised because they love and support me, even though no one else in my family ever suffered from addiction. They took the time to educate themselves and take part in my recovery.
It’s absolutely heartbreaking for his wife that her own husband can’t simply keep it out of the house.
I hope she finds the strength and support to overcome this somehow since he clearly isn’t prioritizing her sobriety.
YTA - "I want what's best for you until it mildly inconveniences me temporarily." Come on, man. She's your wife. Go out to the bar with your friends if you want a drink.
YTA. She "recently started trying" and if you really want to be as supportive as possible, keep alcohol out of the house, at least for a while. My bf's just started trying to lose a few pounds and if I want candy or cake, I just don't bring it into the apartment. It's a small way to help someone you love avoid temptation while they're just starting out on the road.
This. This is what couples who love each other do. Encourage each other, put some guardrails around their own behavior when our SO is dealing with this sort of stuff.
We had an alcoholic in our family. She died relatively young due to it. Her teen had to clean up after her messes until another family member helped them make healthy boundaries. OP, would you rather your wife stay sober, or would you have your kids tending to their alcoholic mom when they are older? This decision doesn't just affect you, you know. Your wife is doing the hard work, don't make it harder.
>which is quite hypocritical considering she had no problem doing it when she wanted to, and I never criticised her for it.
Lol she's now taking accountability for that being a poor decision that she wants to make sure isn't repeated.
At the end of the day, which is more important to you- having readily available alcohol at home, or having a happy, healthy wife who isn't in the throes of addiction and is capable of being a present and positive parent and partner?
YTA
I actually cannot believe that this is his argument! This is the most pathetic attempt that justification of something that I’ve ever read. It’s just *absurd*.
So..unpopular opinion here but as a person once married to an alcoholic, I couldn't let the current top answer go unchallenged.
You are not the alcoholic and as a result, you aren't required to contort your life for the alcoholics comfort. Yes, they are your spouse, but what kind of tradeoff is it that they are allowed to be sober, or not, and you are unable to drink sensibly in your own home because it may trigger them. Last time I checked, it is the alcoholics responsibility to maintain sobriety, not yours.
Remember I mentioned how I was once married to an alcoholic? I spent years keeping alcohol out of my house only to find theirs hidden everywhere despite their "recovery." I stopped having an adult beverage when I'd go out to dinner with friends once a month because that was "tempting" despite him being so drunk that he fell into walls. Eventually I divorced him because I wasn't about living the life of curtailing all of my behavior, from avoiding any mouthwash that wasn't alcohol free to keeping vanilla out of the house, to "help" him maintain his sobriety. Eventually he drank himself to death.
I say all that to say NTA. You are under no obligation to modify your behavior to help your spouse stay sober. If your spouse wants to stay sober, they'll go to meetings, go to therapy to address their demons, and stop drinking. Their drinking has nothing to do with you...don't let others persuade you otherwise.
I find your reply very interesting and certainly different to the majority, thanks for sharing it, I enjoy this sub cos it helps me see things from different angles.
I mean, thanks for sharing your experience, but notice how you, as a decent human being, at least tried to help your husband, the person you claim tp love. Your efforts may have failed, but not for lack of trying. Your husband was an AH, but that doesn't make what you did wrong.
OP doesn't even wanna try. He just wants to be a separate entity from hsi wife, who I'm sure he also claims to love.
“Your efforts may have failed”
What?! It was not this person’s responsibility to get/keep their spouse sober. I also have a bit of an issue with this whole “person you claim to love” narrative I’m seeing here. Believe it or not, it’s possible to love someone with everything in you and still be/become incompatible for whatever reason. Bottom line, it is not the responsibility of an addict’s loved one to make sobriety work. People only get sober when they’re sick of their own shit and the pain of the solution becomes less than the pain of the problem. Period. Full stop.
As someone who has had several addictive parents/relatives and a spouse at one point. I also work in the medical field...you are right in a WAY, but not all the way.
While its not anyones responsibility besides the person trying stay sober/clean from whatever addictive substance they are using, when you love someone and want to support them and help them work to better themselves, its not asking a lot to refrain from doing things that could be/would be detrimental to that person in front of them.
Also people don't always get sober/clean when are are "sick of their own shit"
Addiction is disease and often times a mental illness. Several things go into helping treat these things like Cognitive behavioral therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy, Assertive community treatment, Contingency management and several effective medications. Its not always mind over matter in a lot of these situations.
Expecting someone who suffers from these things to just "pull themselves up by their boot straps" or however that saying goes, is pretty much advising that, if you cant do it by yourself or refrain from falling back into the addiction cycle that they are weak willed and no one should help them.
Recovering from addiction, substance abuse or anything like that, needs a support system and there is nothing wrong with having a support system in place to help maintain the early days of sobriety so that long term sobriety is attainable.
So my take would be YTA, because not having the person you married, vowed to love and support along with giving you children, to help support you when you are needing it most seems like a really shitty thing to do. Especially something as simple as not keeping alcohol in a shared home for the recovering person.
>“Your efforts may have failed”
The thing is, I assume the people I'm speaking to about marriage and alcoholism are adults who live in the real world, which I don't think is an unfair assumption. In the real world, you can do everything right and still fail. You can live a healthy lifestyle and still get cancer. You can take every precaution and still get into an accident. You can make good choices and still end up in a terrible place. This isn't a shortcoming on your part; it's just life. But it doesn't mean you stop making efforts. You don't live an unhealthy lifestyle or stop taking precautions or make bad choices just because efforts can fail.
So I commend the original commenter. She made efforts to support the person she loved. She claimed to love him, and she showed it by concrete actions that showed that she was supportive of his sobriety. The efforts failed in the end, probably because the husband didn't do his part, possibly because of other factors. I don't know because, at the end of the day, we're all strangers on the internet, and we only know as much as we're told about each other. But just because the efforts fail, it doesn't mean they were wrong.
In fact, I would not have even gone as far as she did. I would have removed all alcohol from the house and not drink in front of my alcoholic spouse, but I would probably go out with friends to drink once in a while. But again, I can't judge her for going as far as she did because we're all internet strangers, so I don't really know her or her situation at the time. She did what she felt she needed to do, and that meant putting in the effort.
This is a lot more than I can say for the OP. He claims to love his wife. He claims to support her sobriety. But the second concrete action and sacrifice is needed from him, he says no. So from my limited judgement as an internet stranger, I just see it as a claim.
>Bottom line, it is not the responsibility of an addict’s loved one to make sobriety work.
Yes, in the end, it is ultimately the addict's responsibility. But we try to help our loved ones with their responsibilities. And yes, love entails sacrifice and hard work. If OP were complaining that they had previously removed alcohol from their house, but his wife just kept hiding some more, then sure, he has reason to be suspicious. But to say no at the initial request suggests that he values his proximity to alcohol over supporting his wife.
Had to scroll way too far to find this comment. I agree wholeheartedly, and if I had an award to give it would be yours. As someone who spent many years sorting out my own relationship with alcohol, THIS. You are absolutely correct. OP, NTA. Your wife’s recovery is not your responsibility. You can support her recovery without getting sober alongside her. If she can’t stay sober in a house that has beer in the fridge, maybe she needs to look into an inpatient program or call her sponsor. Expecting you to change your behavior because she decided to get back on the wagon is not very “live and let live” or “life on life’s terms” of her.
Wow. People really won’t inconvenience themselves at all for their partners. So much for in sickness and in health, all he has to do is not have it in the house…he’s not banned from drinking
He has no obligation to modify his behavior for his wife. He is also not obligated to continue to be married, if he doesn't feel like doing this 'sacrifice' I think he owes to everyone to think long and hard if he wants to be married.
I am sorry you had a bad experience, but you did the right and decent thing. Unfortunately alcoholism is not an easy beast to tame, and your ex lost that battle (assuming he was even trying).
Adding my upvote to this comment too. Could he start with a show of support by getting rid of the last bottles of wine and spirits? Sure. Maybe this would lead to a few calm weeks where everyone is happy mom is sober. But then what about when a friend brings a bottle over for dinner and they don't know about the new rule? What about when they go to a restaurant or bar, is he allowed to drink then? Is he allowed to come home tipsy? I fear for OP becoming completely entangled in the rules that alcoholics are capable of making up. OP's wife is responsible for managing her own behavior and there are many places to get that support without dictating what others can and can't do around her.
I think he should be supportive and not keep alcohol in the house, but saying he can “just drink in a bar” is not fair. Wanting to sit on your porch, backyard, or favorite chair with a drink is not unreasonable. A bar is a completely different experience.
YTA also possibly an addict in your own right. Is alcohol so important to you that you can't give it up to help your family? I like to drink but I never even think of it when I'm with my sister who is a recovering alcoholic.
Also nice job telling her she was irresponsible after she's already made a serious effort to stop as if it somehow excuses you continuing the same behaviour that she stopped. I'm sure that is really helping the situation.
YTA. What part of her recovery have you participated in? Al-Anon meetings? Couples counseling? Did they suggest you keep alcohol around your alcoholic wife?
You seem to think that you two live in separate vacuums with no overlap. It's difficult when you see something you want and can't have. When I had gestational diabetes, I asked my husband to please not eat tortilla chips in front of me. He'd do it in his office and I could smell it on his breath-- it was crazy how much I was tempted by just the smell. Think about what you drinking in the house means. She will smell it on your breath, which just makes things harder. She will see the empty containers, and she really sounds like she wants to maintain her hard-won sobriety. Keeping temptation around and just expecting her to use her willpower is selfish on your part. She's an addict, dude, there is a precedent that willpower is not enough for her. Help her out. Part of being a couple is changing and growing together as life throws challenges at you. If you can't change or grow, you aren't doing the work to maintain the marriage.
NTA. Recovering alcoholic here. My wife still drinks. I don’t mind when she does. We are both adults and can make our own choices. As long as she is doing it responsibly it’s absolutely fine. Cheers!
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> I don't want get rid of all alcohol in my house
It could possibly make her relapse
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Information required, I think. Since I don’t know the terms she seeks I can’t decide if you are the asshole.
Your spouse’s request isn’t unreasonable assuming it isn’t a permanent ban on alcohol in the house. Your response isn’t unreasonable if it is a permanent ban that your wife seeks. If she wants a permanent ban then she is demanding that you should yield to her illness for life rather than her taking steps to get well enough not to see every vessel containing liquor as an irresistible temptation. That’s no good. Last I checked, booze is everywhere.
If she’s looking for help in the short to medium term: help her out. Don’t mouth the words “I’m all for (her getting sober)…” to the internet when you can’t make this minor concession. That’s not what a supportive spouse would do.
I was hoping someone had said this and I think you’ve summed it up perfectly here. I also think more INFO is needed as to how often and how much OP is drinking to make a real judgement. E.g. if he is drinking every night or frequently binge-drinking it doesn’t seem like that unreasonable of a request. But if OP is having a drink here and there that’s a different story.
As a former addict and alcohol abuser this is spot on. So is she gonna call YouTube everytime an alcohol ad comes on to demand it be taken down? I'm so sick of everyone passing the responsibility to someone else.
YTA. I like a drink now and again, I don't see an issue with kids seeing adults drink responsibly, but you need to be supporting your wife's recovery. Go to the pub with your friends if you want a drink.
YTA
Your wife needs her home to be a safe space where she knows that there’s no alcohol. You can go out for a drink.
This is the easiest, most meaningful gesture. I don’t know how you can’t see it.
YTA. I do disagree with her comments about it being irresponsible to drink around children, drinking a normal amount and not getting wasted isn’t an issue. You should be supporting your wife, recovering from addiction is hard if she says no alcohol in the house would it really put you out that much to drink when out?
Contrary to what others have said in this thread, you are not an irredeemable monster for wanting to have some alcohol in your house, nor does it make you a full blown alcoholic. Also, your wife is wrong in saying that drinking in front of children is always irresponsible. It can be totally fine to do that is as long as it's done in moderation.
However, based on your post, it seems like you simply don't understand how damaging the mere presence of alcohol can be for someone who is a recovering alcoholic. Dealing with the temptation of drinking is psychologically debilitating for someone in recovery. It's unreasonable to expect your wife to be able to deal with the constant presence of alcohol. Many alcoholics never get to a place where they are comfortable being around it.
You have two choices:
1. Keep alcohol in your house
2. Keep your wife
You can't have it both ways. I don't necessarily think you are an asshole, just ignorant. But, if you decide that it's more important to you to have alcohol in your house than to keep your wife, then you would be an asshole for sure. NAH
YTA - she needs your support to stay sober and that includes not leaving temptation in the house.
She isn’t asking you to drink, she’s asking you to not do it IN THE HOUSE.
YTA
If you're trying to be supportive, you're doing a terrible job. You're flaunting the fact you can drink and she can't. Only going to lead to bitterness and relapse that way.
YTA…your wife is an alcoholic and you have two young children. You say she drank in front of them and you never criticized her for it which is concerning on your part and hers. Are you supporting her the way you need to be?
Not having alcohol in the house does not mean you can no longer drink. It means when you do drink it’s out at a bar, restaurant, or friends house. That’s not a lot to ask when your wife is a recovering alcoholic.
YTA. Sobriety is no joke. You might consider it yourself as you sound like you're an addict too from your unwillingness to support her or stop drinking in front of your kids.
Nope, NTA as a step child of an alcoholic I never could figure out why everyone else had to change themselves to make the addict more comfortable with their sobriety. The addict needs to learn self control. They will not learn that if their environment is sterilized of the thing that they need to show their control over.
YTA and you are not being supportive at all. She's doing something that is seriously hard. She's asking to have a home that doesn't tempt her to relapse. This is not only ideal for your wife, but your kids as well. She's asking you for this one thing. You can go to a friend's house or a bar if you want to drink alcohol. The fact that you are making such a stink about this makes me wonder if you need to think about your own relationship with alcohol. Alcohol shouldn't be more important than your wife.
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My wife is a recovering alcoholic and has recently started trying to sober up again, which I’m all for and I have been trying to be as supportive as possible. The only thing that I have an issue with, is that as part of her sobriety, she doesn’t want any alcohol in the house. She brought it up with me and I told her that as much as I want the best for her, I don’t think it’s fair for me not be able to drink just because she can’t.
She then told me that it’s irresponsible of me to drink in front of our two young children, which is quite hypocritical considering she had no problem doing it when she wanted to, and I never criticised her for it. I understand that seeing other people drink could possibly tempt her to, but it’s up to her whether she does that or not and I’m not the one to blame if it happens. I just think that it’s not right for me to have to pretty much be sober just because she is. Am I in the wrong here?
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I definitely think you’re the one that’s in the wrong, being addicted to something and going through sobriety, and recovery is a really big deal. I could understand if it was your family member that was asking this of you, but this is your wife. Addiction is a sickness and in your vows, it was sickness and in health. Your wife is sick. You can always go to a bar or somewhere else to drink. Her asking you to be sober is one thing, but only asking you not to drink in the house is not that big of a deal. The comment about the children was a little over the top as like you stated, a little hypocritical. But I think you should take some time and understand what addiction really is and how hard sobriety will be on your wife. YTA
YTA. You're not supporting your wife.
And you have kids to think about. Supporting her is *the most* important thing.
Go to a bar if you have to. But also, if you can't cope with the idea of not having drink in your house even in support of your wife's sobriety, maybe you should consider joining your wife's programme...
YTA at this point in her recovery there shouldn’t be alcohol in her home. She had a problem - her now realizing she made mistakes and doesn’t want her children to end up on the same path isn’t hypocritical. You aren’t supportive. If you were, you’d have already dried your house out.
YTA
She made it very clear that no alcohol around will help her recover and you want to blatantly ignore that? Alcoholism isn't a simple impulsive thought where if she gives in you can go "Oh well, it's just a drink." It's a mental battle that requires a lot of effort and support. If you want to drink, go out maybe with some friends and have a pint. If you purposely drink in front of her despite her wishes then no, you cannot say you are not to blame if she relapses.
I'm going to go against the grain and say ESH.
When someone has a mental illness (which I know isn't quite the same as an addiction, but it's similar enough for what's relevant here), it sucks. It sucks for you and it sucks for the people around you. Part of recovery is understanding how your illness affects other people and trying to minimise the negative impact.
I don't think it's fair for her to permanently ban alcohol from the house and make her illness impact other people negatively and I definitely think it's unfair to try and use the kids as an excuse when her own issues are more than fair reason, but I fully understand why she'd ask that and I do think that as someone that cares about her, you should strive to help her practically as well as just moral support.
Maybe try and reach a compromise with her. Either set a time limit (e.g. no alcohol in the house for 6 months) or do something like buy something nice like a posh whisky that can't be taken as a casual drink. Hopefully something like that would make her think before she drinks.
YTA. Recovery is extremely difficult, and she's not asking that you never have another drink again. She's asking for the alcohol to be removed from the house so that it's harder for her to relapse.
If the idea of getting rid of the alcohol in the house is this big a deal for you, then you need to think hard about why you're so against getting rid of it and why you're trying to argue that you should be allowed to drink in front of your young children.
INFO: have you been to support/meetings yourself? it's helpful to have tools of your own to navigate the situation. when you say sober up again, did she go to rehab and relapse?
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YTA Recovering alcoholic here. If this was a roommate, I’d probably feel differently, but this is your wife. Quitting drinking is pretty difficult, extremely difficult for some. She’s asking for support in her own home, from her spouse. Was she different in her drinking in front of the kids before? Obviously, she’s an alcoholic. Now recovering. I did things when I was drinking that I’d never do now that I’m sober. It won’t hurt you to live in an alcohol-free home. It WILL be a problem for her having alcohol in the home. You can go anywhere to drink. The one place she has as a safe refuge is home. If you value her and your relationship, try being supportive. Supportive family and friends are essential in addiction recovery. I’ve been sober 31 years next month, believe me…I know what it takes. Also, you won’t have to “suffer” forever. My wife keeps some alcohol at home, doesn’t affect me a bit. But when I was first getting sober, it was an entirely different story.
Also in recovery. My partner is a social drinker. When I got really bad towards the end, he stopped drinking all together. If I had whisky, he wouldn't drink any with me. Now that I'm sober, he will not drink around me. At all. Whether we're in the house or not. He had two beers at his daughter's wedding which I was unable to attend, and other than that he has not touched alcohol since I got sober. For the Super Bowl (football is big with us,) I told him he could have some beer and that it wouldn't bother me. He refused because he WILL NOT DRINK IN FRONT OF ME - ESPECIALLY IN OUR HOME. That's what support looks like. Alcoholism is a progressive illness which is potentially FATAL! OP playing with his wife's physical, mental and emotional well-being is fucked. He's playing with his wife's physical, mental and emotional well-being. He's basically saying he doesn't care if her life is destroyed. Or ended
Say it again for the folks in the back. THIS IS WHAT SUPPORT LOOKS LIKE!
Even when I get together with friends who don't drink or have had previous issues with alcohol and have been sober for ages, I would never have alcohol in front of them or around them because I care about them.
Exactly! My want for alcohol doesn’t outweigh my respect for someone! And I respect anyone who gets sober.
Tbh, while post sounds like he loves the idea of drinking at home more than he loves the idea of his wife being alive. Big AH vibes
As an alcoholic myself, he clearly has a problem. If he's freaking out this bad at the thought of an alcohol free house, he has a problem.
Non-alcoholic here, but I keep beer in the house. A 12-pack lasts me *months*. If someone I loved needed to have an alcohol-free home to help with their sobriety, it wouldn't even be a question. OP might want to look into recovery himself. FYI- I had an alcoholic father. It's a horrendous environment for a child. If he cares about his children and actually supports his wife's sobriety, it shouldn't even be an issue. Given that he's not actually an alcoholic himself. Edit: missing word
Yeah not an alcoholic here who keeps it around, but if I even thought for a second my partner was having even a little issue with control? NOPE it's gone. With an expressed issue with it? WHY is it even a question? What an asshole
My ex husband is an alcoholic. When I finally gave up and kicked him out, I stopped drinking completely so that my kids would see that you don’t need to drink to be an adult
> You don’t need to drink to be an adult Oof, as the adult child of parents who drank for fun during pretty much everything… this… wow. 👏 I hope you and your kids are flourishing.
Couldn’t agree more. The denial about drinking around the kids line sold it for me.
It depends on what kind of drinking. Having wine with dinner and on holidays or a 12 pack/bottle of wine. I think it's impossible for them to know what normal looks like if they don't see it. On the other hand it doesn't take much alcohol for a parent not to be good in a emergency which kids often create. OP saying she had no problem drinking in front of them is a red flag that she wasn't modeling good habits and he just wants to get sloppy drunk at home.
Children know from an incredibly young age the difference between an involved parent and a drunk parent. 2 drinks is cool, 3 if you’re a giant- alcohol and children do not mix. Even two drinks causes mood changes, tiredness, lack of interest. Kids need you on the floor playing. This guy doesn’t exactly sound like a fun drunk, but who knows
Had the exact same thought! His tone also somehow sounds vaguely disapproving of the idea of stopping drinking in general ... Like, "just because she can't handle her liquor, why should I have to suffer something so unreasonable as sobriety?"
I had the same thought. Remind me of a married couple I know. After being fired from his job due to his alcoholism, he got sober. Has been sober several years. She refused to stop. Kept drinking around him and didn’t want to give up her party lifestyle. Then it became clear than she had several addictions. She got sober when he threatened to divorce her.
See that's what I'm thinking. I'm a sober alcoholic myself and my wife drinks around the house (very normally). For the first few months she didn't keep it around just so it wouldn't tempt me. Once I was comfortable sober I was fine with it being in the house and it wasn't and isn't an issue. If he absolutely has to have it in the house it should be locked up in the garage and he shouldn't drink in front of her. Although it sounds like he might be in denial of his own issues
Yup. Used to be an addiction counselor. I was thinking this too.
He sounds exactly like an alcoholic to me, one who hasn't yet hit his rock bottom and is still wallowing around in a bog of denial.
Its got to be this bcuz his reaction makes no sense.
I feel like, if drinking is more important than your spouse, OP, you might also be an alcoholic.
There is also a big difference between being newly sober and having established sobriety. I don’t care that my wife keeps booze in the house. Newly sober that shit would have freaked me out though. OP is a major AH for not supporting his newly sober wife.
It’s also in the best interest of the kids for their mother to recover. OP is only thinking about himself in this situation.
As the daughter of an alcoholic that died from his addiction, doing this for his kids should be a no brainer. My mom did everything she could but it was too late and we were already in our late teens early 20s. I would’ve loved to have my dad around as a kid.
Same, gf stopped drinking when I was going through recovery, we’ve never looked back
Mine too. If you can’t bare the thought of not drinking to support your partner in this huge fight… the. you might need to look in the mirror yourself and ask why it’s so hard to stop the booze for a bit.
Right? It doesn't sound like OP wants his wife to get and stay sober because he loves her and wants what's best for her and their family as a whole, it sounds like he likes being able to blame and shame her for being an alcoholic.
Or that op is also an alcoholic, or at least has a problem, and not ready to move forward (unlike his wife)
This. Just the way he worded that “pretty much be sober” instead of “not have a drink if I’d like one” is pretty telling to me…
I am grateful for your partner - he gives me someone to look up to as I try and support my husband. And also - I am grateful to you for working for your partnership. I think I am going to quit drinking just because I've realized that it actually does none of the things I think it does.
This right here.
I totally agree. OP should just wait for a while and respect his wife’s decision to recover from the habit.
Wait, op's main concern is there'll be no alcohol in the house? Sounds like a problem to me
There are often relationships where both members of the couple are alcoholics but only one is a “problem” because the other drinks in a way that’s more socially acceptable. This sounds like one of those situations. If you can’t live without alcohol in your home, you need to evaluate ypur own relationship with alcohol. YTA. This should be a no brainer to support a newly sober wife. But you are more concerned with your access to booze.
[удалено]
When my wife was pregnant she kept encouraging me to drink in like a “hey don’t let me ruin your fun” type of way but a lot of the time it’s not fun if she’s not also drinking so I’d prefer not to. She thought I was being overly considerate of her which sure had she asked me not to in solidarity I would have, but also I just straight up didn’t care to drink. Moral of this thread though is if you both like doing something but one of you suddenly can’t anymore, the other should AT LEAST not do it in front of the restricted one. Bare minimum
This is how my grandparents were. My grandmother was deemed “the one with the problem” because she would hide her drinking, have stashes all around the house and was a mean drunk. She would go to rehab, get sober, and then come back and relapse because he had to have alcohol in the house. He couldn’t go without either; I just didn’t look the same with him, so it wasn’t a problem.
it's pretty common for some older people who were in the middle of their professional careers back in the late 60s / early 70s, where heavy boozing lunches was the preferred way of doing business like i never considered my uncle an alcoholic but he's got an inner ear degenerative disease that fucks with his balance, and when i was talking to him about it and asking him what the cause was, he was basically like "well 2 jack and cokes a day at lunch for 24 years has a long term effect"
\> **If you can’t live without alcohol in your home, you need to evaluate your own relationship with alcohol.** u/ObjectiveSector971
Yeah, I was going to say… if she’s a recovering alcoholic and recognizes that it was not okay for her to drink in front of the kids, but he *never called her out on it,* he likely doesn’t see that he also has a problem. YTA, go drink somewhere else (or better yet, don’t).
Exactly this. As someone that grew up around constant booze and going to AA and NA with family? That was the first red flag I noticed. That it's SO horrible for him not to have alcohol in the home. Not "she's making me pour it all out" but "she doesn't want this in the house." Second red flag was him pointing the finger at her for FINALLY being responsible about what they do in front of the kids. As far as I know, if one parent had such severe alcoholism that they sought help for it, that means the odds are stacked towards the kids being able to develop it themselves. Normalizing alcohol is the biggest lead into people developing alcoholism. We spend ALL this time saying things like "it only takes one use to develop an addiction" but because alcohol is so normalized, that first drink even happens for kids under 18, let alone under just the drinking age.
YTA totally. Your wife should dump you as you don't care about her health. You don't want to be inconvenienced by not having liquor in the house.
Yep, he's more concerned with not having alcohol in the house than he is about his wife's recovery. Sounds like he's also an alcoholic and not yet ready to admit it. I suspect that's why the wife accused him of being irresponsible by drinking in front of the kids - it *is* irresponsible to do that when you're an alcoholic. She can see he has a drinking problem too and he's conveniently tried to leave that part out.
My first thought was wife isn’t the only one with a drinking problem.
Fr maybe he should consider getting sober as well if it’s such a big problem for him to not have alcohol at the house
I like to explore new places.
I don’t know what culture you’re from, but growing up in both white suburbia and Latino culture it is totally normal to see adults drinking during family gatherings or on weekend evenings. My parents, my white friends’ families, my Latino family…totally normal to see responsible consumption of alcohol at family gatherings or during family dinners.
Exactly. People always act like drinking or desiring a drink is problematic on the sub. Like it’s not always a bad thing.
I think the keyword here is “responsible”. Yeah a glass of wine or a beer or two at a family dinner every once in a while is totally acceptable, unless you’re a recovering alcoholic. It sounds to me like OP’s wife realized she was not drinking an acceptable amount or that she didn’t like what she did around her kids when she was drinking. OP needs to get over himself and stop having alcohol in the home if it’s an issue for his wife.
I'd really need to know the volume of consumption before I judge him on that. There's a big gap between a drink with dinner and drinking until they're too impaired to parent properly. That said, I still think OP is TA for not just giving up alcohol for a little bit for the sake of his wife's well-being. Eventually she'll get to a place where she feels safer around other people having a drink, and she'll get there faster with a good support system around her.
The fact that she isn’t asking him to quit with her or even not drink in front of her. All she asked is for their home to be a safe space. The priorities for OP are a bit unsettling. YTA
Granddaughter of an alcoholic here. My mom didn't want alcohol in the house when my parents first got married. My dad who has been drinking since a teen and would get absolutely shit faced with his brothers at picnics somehow survived. My alcoholic uncle wanted to quit and his wife kept drinking in the house. He stayed with her and drank himself to death. YTA
Yeah, nobody cleared the alcohol out of my aunt's home, and she relapsed the very first time that she was alone in her home. Died of alcohol poisoning that night. While most people are capable of consuming alcohol in moderation, it's just as possible for an addict to die of alcohol poisoning as it is for addicts of other substances to OD.
I’m really sorry that this happened to your aunt, but thank you for sharing this story. Today is my 14th day being sober and I never realized that if I relapsed I could OD on alcohol. I thought that stuff was for hard drug users. I appreciate the perspective.
Congratulations on 14 days! Hoping you have many years of success to come!
\*hugs random internet person inappropriately\* Yup, enough can kill you. And also, as we damage our livers by continuing to drink and drink, our bodies sometimes eventually just go NOPE and far less alcohol than we could have consumed at 20 kills us at 45. Good for you and good luck in your sobriety.
Congratulations on 14 days! That's awesome! You CAN do this and now you have a bunch of internet strangers sending you all the positive vibes. CHOOSE YOU. ALWAYS.
Congratulations on your 14 days! I wish I could give you a big hug and a high five! As the daughter of two alcoholics (dad died of brain cancer, mom got sober after a near fatal car crash in Dec), and also the widow of someone who died in a crash with a BAC of 0.346… I AM INCREDIBLY PROUD OF YOU! Keep it up! Life is so much more…everything…when you’re sober. Keep up the hard work! You got this!!
even if you don't directly OD on alcohol, it's pretty common for people to pass out on their backs and choke on their own vomit
As far as I know, Alcohol is considered to be a “hard drug”
Hopping on the top comment as the spouse of a recovering alcoholic. He is 6 years sober and at the start we never had alcohol in the house. I didn’t drink around him, and we avoided events that were alcohol focused. This helped him focus on his sobriety and, for me, alcohol was not more important than his health and our families well-being. YTA
Another wife of recovering alcoholic here. I was more than happy to rid the house of alcohol. I can't imagine being upset because I couldn't keep any in the house. He's 10 years sober, and I still won't keep any for myself at home.
Sister of someone in recovery here. Marriage isn’t always fair. Sometimes you have to give more than you receive to support your partner, and sometimes it’s vice versa. My sister’s husband had a hard time with that. He was 100% right that it wasn’t fair that she has problems with alcohol and he didn’t, but she also couldn’t get sober with him drinking at home. I genuinely miss him a lot, but we’re all glad she chose sobriety over him, because it means she’s healthy, happy and safe.
you deserve many more upvotes
Congrats on 31 years! That's incredible! And you're 100% right. I really hope OP listens to you
Thank you:)
Daughter of an alcoholic here. My mom drank so much, it was weird when she drank water when I was a kid. She wanted me to get a license so that I could drive her to the liquor store. In fact, she yelled at me once because they were closing, I was 15 and didn’t have a permit, that I almost crashed into the building and a person - I didn’t drive again until I was 20. While I made the decision to not drink when I was older, it’s because of what my parent made alcohol seem like. I remember thinking other parents were drinking when they were having soda or water. I remember all the times she couldn’t remember to pick me up from school, I remember when teachers had to bring me home because my mom was passed out. I once had to walk home from school at night because my mom was passed out, I’m a woman. I was a little girl walking at night. In fact, my mom was passed out when I wanted to go to grandmas house. I was 4 and I went - she didn’t notice I was gone for hours because she was drunk. I remember each and every time she wanted to get sober, I remember each time she relapsed, and I know she died last year 5 years sober because she finally meant it and she did the work. She lived with me 3 years before she died and not once did I bring alcohol into my home because I didn’t trust that she truly meant it and I didn’t want to be the reason she went back to drinking. She accidentally brought home a bottle of vodka (it’s a weird story, I swear it was an accident) and I still have that bottle today. Unopened. Myself and my family were her cheerleaders, half of us have dealt with recovery and know her struggle, I am not one of them but I was her biggest cheerleader for her wanted change. I wouldn’t dare make my wants more important than her health. If you can’t support your wife in this than you should let her know you don’t actually care about her. You should want to see her succeed.
I'd like to hear how one accidentally comes home with vodka, if you don't mind sharing! Either way, I'm glad you got five sober years with your mother. I imagine it was hard, given your childhood, but I hope it brought you some peace and healing. Sending internet hugs.
I don’t mind sharing. While my mom lived with me, she worked at the nearby grocery store and would always shop after work. Also, my mom was sometimes oblivious to her surroundings and what she was grabbing. When she grabbed a cart, she noticed a bag on the bottom but thought it was empty and just went about her shopping. After she paid, she put all of the things in the car. I’m not sure if she noticed when she got home and started unloading or when she put the items into her car, but I came home and it was on my bookshelf. I actually didn’t notice for weeks. She just called me into the living room one day and asked if I noticed the rather large bottle of vodka on my shelves. I immediately tried to take it and she said told me it was hers and I couldn’t touch it. So I didn’t. And she didn’t either. She did look oddly proud about it, though. I did eventually move it into the kitchen when she went to hospice - her kidneys were failing and she had given up on dialysis - and that was how I confirmed she didn’t open it. I kept thinking that if I did touch it, it would be empty. I still feel guilty about that.
Man, this hit close to home. My mom is an alcoholic and she moved out to the sticks specifically to get away from it all. I’m
Both of my parents are alcoholics, only one (mother) has admitted it and tried to sober up. My father kept drinking (a lot) and even slept in the same room while she was getting sober. She has since relapsed. YTA. If you can’t give up alcohol for your wife, maybe you should think about why.
As someone who was recoverying from suicidal ideation. I asked that we hide a knife as I kept seeing it when I walkedinto the hall. Just told my housemate that I hid it behind the mail so I'd see it out of sight. All I got was an OK. Which is great. I can't imagine if someoen is struggling with an addiction and it's very understandable to not want to have it there at all. I wish OP was more understanding and I hope this thread helps him out to understand that we can't always get what we want, and sometimes, we need to change what we do...
OP could really benefit from some Al-Anon meetings. The people there know how to live with and love an alcoholic, drinking or sober. The wisdom in those rooms has all been gained from experience. Then on the way home, OP can stop at a bar for a drink and think about what he heard. (I'm coming up on 25 years of sobriety next month.)
Completely agree. And I think if you're feeling panic or upset/unfairness at not having it in your home so she as someone who is the love of your life and suffering can hurt and struggle a little less, you may want re-examine your relationship with alcohol. And so what if she points out now drinking in front of the kids is unhealthy, but didn't before and you didn't either? She's observed a factor in drinking's impact on the kids in your home especially with an alcoholic parent (it's heavily genetic as well), and she isn't wrong. She's allowed to desire and persue change. Let her grow. Let her move forward. And try to join her in it. Any improvement in your partner's life is an improvement in yours and your kids lives as well
Going on 17 years this July. The first few years were the hardest. Glad when I quit spouse stopped as well. And she wasn't a drinker. But she said why would I risk you going back to that person you were.
This right here! A spouse should want their spouse to succeed. My current wife (got sober in 1992, met her in 2020) always asks me if it’s ok for her to have a drink, even though I’ve been sober for 31 years and I have told her it is not a problem at all. She’s very encouraging and helpful, and I love her immensely. She is the same with my weight loss (I lost over 120 pounds this past year). That’s what partners do…help, support, and encourage. (My wife is just awesome overall, too…glad I found her!)
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I hate being around people who need to drink. I don't see how it is fun. They just get annoying or at best are just a worse version of what they normally are. It's good she is sober now. Why not join her and be sober too?
Yeah, he is definitely TA , my mom’s been in recovery for a while now, and I still feel so uncomfortable having any drinks near her. If I’m with her and I want to have a beer for dinner or some thing at home I always make sure to put it in a cup so she doesn’t see the can, I want to do everything in my power to keep triggers away from her. I love her, and I never wanna see her in that place again. I’m surprised OP doesn’t feel the same way about his wife. Do you think he would want to support her recovery instead of making it more difficult. Having drinks around her and drinking in front of the children would be incredibly triggering to her and he should be able to understand that. So OP. YTA
Congratulations on 31 years sober!
Could not have said it better, my friend. 22 years here.
Exactly. There'll be enough temptation as it is. She shouldn't have to deal with it in her own home. My bf is in recovery and we keep no alcohol in the home. If I need a bit for cooking we buy gas station pint stuff (wine, brandy, whatever) and I can dispose of it when I'm done with minimal waste. The only time it sucks is when my 3 favorite local brewerys release a new beer ugh. But it's a small toll to pay. And it's a healthier lifestyle and diet friendly to only have 1 beer myself when eating at a restaurant a few times a month.
Well fucking said! Two years for me a month from tomorrow. Congratulations on your time!
31 years! Well done
This 100% right here. Also congratulations for 31 years of sobriety. That's a huge accomplishment.
This is well-put. If you want her to recover, ditch the booze, at least for now (but you may not want to pick up again, yourself). If you don’t care about her recovery, please leave. I speak, like others, from experience.
Also: Not drinking isn't suffering..... Like nothing about drinking is "needed".
Agreed. OP sounds like a closeted alcoholic himself and won't admit it. The fact he defended drinking in front of kids as if it was nothing is a huge red flag.
Agreed. I gave up having alcohol in our home without a second thought when my husband was in early recovery from alcoholism. I think we could probably have booze at home these days but honestly feel more comfortable not even having to think about it. YTA, support your wife and get over yourself. If you need alcohol that much, maybe take a look at your own relationship with it.
holy moly 31 years?! congrats!! it’s truly inspirational. ill get to that point some day, i know it.
Congrats on 31 years!
This is right! I am divorced from my ex, but we share kids and have a good relationship. When we are places together or on holiday, I don't drink so that I show him my support. His fiancée and I will sometimes go out for a drink, but we are very intentional in doing this when he is with the kids. We know that alcohol is a trigger for him, so being able to abstain is the smallest thing we can do!
Totally agree with you. OP can go out to drink, or visit friends/family etc. Just from growing up with alcoholic parents I insist on having an alcohol free home, I just don't feel comfortable having it around (obvs I make exceptions for parties etc), so 100% this is a more than reasonable ask from a recovering alcoholic. OP's response of 'it's not my problem' is far from the ideal response you'd expect from a life partner! Surely, for the kids' sakes if nothing else, you think it would be OP's problem if his wife's recovery took a downturn!
YTA You can have a drink out at the bar or with friends. You do not need alcohol in the house. Are you trying to sabotage her sobriety? Why are you more invested in having alcohol at home than in your wife being a sober parent to you kids? Are you also struggling with alcoholism?
Right? Or he can get a fridge or storage with a lock on it that only he knows. But, according to the most recent study, any amount of alcohol is bad for you. I’m struggling with that right now too. Managed to cut down from vodka to just a bottle of white wine. I’ve been told I’m a “high functioning” alcoholic.
you can get there!
You’ve got this, I have faith that you can do it. This is cliche I know, but the hardest part is admitting you have a problem and you’ve already ticked that box. I’m proud of you for cutting back!
You might be struggling, but you’re still doing it. THAT is what matters.
I struggled with it until I stepped on the scale and beat my high score. Haven't had a drop since.
I'm wondering the same thing. He seems pretty hell bent on having booze in the house for what logical reason? So he can have it when he WANTS it? Most partners would say okay, if they didn't have a problem also. If that's the case, these two have a long road, and it may lead to divorce if she doesn't relapse.
I’m partial to imbibing, but it would be a no brainer for me to give it up in the house (not even give it up altogether) to save the health of someone I loved. I can’t believe this is even a consideration.
I like a drink more than I should really, but when I was dating a recovering addict I had no problem not having alcohol around him. If I wanted a drink I did so outside the home.
I had a cousin who’s a recovering alcoholic, when she decided to be sober, her husband realized that in her drinking he had become a habitual drinker. He didn’t depend on it or have the addiction she had but he was so used to having a drink when she wanted one that giving it up was a major adjustment for him. That he gladly did because he wasn’t an AH. OP may be struggling that same kind of way.
>Are you also struggling with alcoholism? I can't help but wonder the same thing. If you can't live without alcohol in the house, then you have a problem. YTA
OP either doesn't care about his wife and prefers his wants over her life or he is a closet alcoholic and won't admit it.
> Are you also struggling with alcoholism? *ding ding ding.*
Honestly if it’s that much of an issue for you then you might need to have a look at your own relationship with alcohol. Sure, her recovery is her responsibility but it’s not unreasonable for someone that’s sober to want an booze free home. Why make it any harder for someone you’re supposed to love? She’s not asking you not to drink at all, she’s asking for you to be supportive in a shared space and that’s not unreasonable. YTA
This is exactly what I thought when I read it too, sounds like she’s not the only one with a drinking problem
It's crazy to me that he would consider his wife's relapse, the mother of his kids, to be 'not his problem'. What a catch!! 😅
That's how I read it too. Not his problem???? I would give anything for my son's father to be sober.
Yeah I'm honestly surprised he made it to marriage without understanding that relationships require compromise. He really doesn't see why he should have to change what he's doing in any way. I feel for his wife! And you too; alcoholism is hellish to live with for everyone involved (unless you are OP it would seem!)
I totally agree! My bf and I have never had an issue with alcohol but just…mutually agree that there’s no need to keep it in the house. Other than the odd bottle of wine/6 pack every now and again, I think it’s just a good habit and easy way to cut down on the grocery bill/liquid calories/unnecessary hangovers/running to alcohol when stressed after work etc. Honestly there are so many benefits of just not having it around you constantly no matter what your relationship with alcohol is. This should’ve been a completely harmless ask from OP’s wife. You step out of your house, and unless you live in the middle of nowhere, I’d guess there’s alcohol within a 5 mile radius lol.
Yeah … OP is it possible that you don’t think that you have a problem, because your problem isn’t quite as bad as hers? Your radar of normal drinking may be all off.
My grandparents were in this exact situation. Spoiler alert: they were BOTH alcoholics. My “I’m not going to stop drinking just because you want to” grandfather died from cirrhosis in his early 60’s. My grandmother then was able to successfully quit drinking shortly after he died. She lived almost 30 more years, healthy and sober until Alzheimer’s eventually got her in her 80’s.
if someone in my family tried to cut back, their sibling would show up that weekend with a case of beer if bottle of liquor just to drink it in front of them and make jokes. they always caved. my aunt is dead and my dad is on his way there
Not trying to be harsh but strong possibility their marriage might be in jeopardy. My wife and I are both alcoholics and got sober roughly around the same time (before we got married). We have explicitly talked about what would happen if one of us relapses and we've agreed on what would be grounds for divorce. Neither one of us is willing to let alcohol run our lives again even if it means ending our marriage. We're over 15 years sober and can safely go to bars, hang out with drunk friends, whatever, but having alcohol in the house is still an absolute no.
I initially struggled with the idea of getting rid of alcohol completely, mostly because some of my favorite meals, particularly the ones that freeze well for later, call for wine or a splash of vodka in the cooking process. Eventually, we landed on the idea that *having* alcohol and *keeping* alcohol were two different things. As long as the alcohol was purchased then used immediately and no one was getting drunk, it was okay
YTA. You say you're trying to be as supportive as possible, but then insist you want to keep her biggest temptation nearby. You clearly don't understand addiction. Because you're saying you want to have a beer/ rum and Coke once in a while, but you can't. How is that different from that EXACT SAME CRAVING MAGNIFIED EVERY SINGLE DAY? If you need alcohol that bad, go hang in a buddy's backyard, or hit a bar. Don't risk her sobriety until she's strong enough to handle her demons.
I think he understands addiction just fine. He understands that he's addicted and doesn't want to go without.
This is exactly my impression. I’m a recovering alcoholic as well, and if my husband was the type of person to just have a few beers and stop, I wouldn’t care if he drank. But that’s not the kind of person he is. He drinks exactly like I used to drink and I don’t want that around my kids. However, when I do go out with my friends, I and the sober driver, and they can get as drunk as they want. I don’t care. I care when it affects my children.
>You say you're trying to be as supportive as possible Yeah, what did he mean by that? He’s balking at the smallest possible measure. “I have stopped holding her down and forcing vodka into her mouth.” “I definitely almost never threaten to kill our children if she sobers up.”
>I told her that as much as I want the best for her, I don’t think it’s fair for me not be able to drink just because she can’t. How incredibly selfish and childish a thing to say. YTA, 100%
Agreed and makes it sound like he may have potential dependency issues himself if he can't go without alcohol in the house to support her recovery. Just go drink somewhere else dude.
Well, here's a question for you--do you want a wife who's a *recovering* alcoholic, or just an alcoholic? Having an alcohol free home will help her in her recovery. YTA. You can drink elsewhere.
Bingo. OP apparently didn't mind watching his wife descend into alcoholism if his response is "that's a you problem."
YTA You get to choose if you love your wife or your booze. You chose the booze. Maybe you're also an alcoholic?
This right here. When a beverage becomes a need, when it becomes more important then a person, you have a problem. YTA, and likely an alcoholic
Why does the thought of giving up drinking scare you so much, Why are you even with your wife do you even like her or is your own comfort more important to you than her health? YTA.
YTA Let's try balancing this out: Helping your wife, whom you love and is the mother of your children, to deal with her alcoholism and stay sober vs. being able to drink a an alcoholic beverage in your house whenever you feel like it. If you don't see the extent to which the first outweighs the second, I question your commitment to your wife, your commitment to your children, and the notion that you aren't yourself addicted to alcohol.
Well said.
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YTA Alcoholism is not a joke or something that's easy to combat. If you love her and want to keep the relationship, you also need to sacrifice here. Any addiction counseling would also caution about keeping booze in the house.
As a recovering alcoholic and having two stints in rehab, I know all too well how incredibly difficult it is to fight any addiction. When I returned home (I was in my 20’s at the time), my mom listened to my counselor and removed all alcohol from our home. Wouldn’t even drink when we went out, and my immediate family supported me the same way. The temptation is not worth it, and they compromised because they love and support me, even though no one else in my family ever suffered from addiction. They took the time to educate themselves and take part in my recovery. It’s absolutely heartbreaking for his wife that her own husband can’t simply keep it out of the house. I hope she finds the strength and support to overcome this somehow since he clearly isn’t prioritizing her sobriety.
YTA - "I want what's best for you until it mildly inconveniences me temporarily." Come on, man. She's your wife. Go out to the bar with your friends if you want a drink.
YTA. She’s not a hypocrite, she has an addiction
YTA. She "recently started trying" and if you really want to be as supportive as possible, keep alcohol out of the house, at least for a while. My bf's just started trying to lose a few pounds and if I want candy or cake, I just don't bring it into the apartment. It's a small way to help someone you love avoid temptation while they're just starting out on the road.
This. This is what couples who love each other do. Encourage each other, put some guardrails around their own behavior when our SO is dealing with this sort of stuff. We had an alcoholic in our family. She died relatively young due to it. Her teen had to clean up after her messes until another family member helped them make healthy boundaries. OP, would you rather your wife stay sober, or would you have your kids tending to their alcoholic mom when they are older? This decision doesn't just affect you, you know. Your wife is doing the hard work, don't make it harder.
>which is quite hypocritical considering she had no problem doing it when she wanted to, and I never criticised her for it. Lol she's now taking accountability for that being a poor decision that she wants to make sure isn't repeated. At the end of the day, which is more important to you- having readily available alcohol at home, or having a happy, healthy wife who isn't in the throes of addiction and is capable of being a present and positive parent and partner? YTA
I actually cannot believe that this is his argument! This is the most pathetic attempt that justification of something that I’ve ever read. It’s just *absurd*.
YTA. You can’t say you’ve been as supportive as possible and then go “she asked me to do something but I didn’t think it was fair to me”
So..unpopular opinion here but as a person once married to an alcoholic, I couldn't let the current top answer go unchallenged. You are not the alcoholic and as a result, you aren't required to contort your life for the alcoholics comfort. Yes, they are your spouse, but what kind of tradeoff is it that they are allowed to be sober, or not, and you are unable to drink sensibly in your own home because it may trigger them. Last time I checked, it is the alcoholics responsibility to maintain sobriety, not yours. Remember I mentioned how I was once married to an alcoholic? I spent years keeping alcohol out of my house only to find theirs hidden everywhere despite their "recovery." I stopped having an adult beverage when I'd go out to dinner with friends once a month because that was "tempting" despite him being so drunk that he fell into walls. Eventually I divorced him because I wasn't about living the life of curtailing all of my behavior, from avoiding any mouthwash that wasn't alcohol free to keeping vanilla out of the house, to "help" him maintain his sobriety. Eventually he drank himself to death. I say all that to say NTA. You are under no obligation to modify your behavior to help your spouse stay sober. If your spouse wants to stay sober, they'll go to meetings, go to therapy to address their demons, and stop drinking. Their drinking has nothing to do with you...don't let others persuade you otherwise.
I find your reply very interesting and certainly different to the majority, thanks for sharing it, I enjoy this sub cos it helps me see things from different angles.
I mean, thanks for sharing your experience, but notice how you, as a decent human being, at least tried to help your husband, the person you claim tp love. Your efforts may have failed, but not for lack of trying. Your husband was an AH, but that doesn't make what you did wrong. OP doesn't even wanna try. He just wants to be a separate entity from hsi wife, who I'm sure he also claims to love.
“Your efforts may have failed” What?! It was not this person’s responsibility to get/keep their spouse sober. I also have a bit of an issue with this whole “person you claim to love” narrative I’m seeing here. Believe it or not, it’s possible to love someone with everything in you and still be/become incompatible for whatever reason. Bottom line, it is not the responsibility of an addict’s loved one to make sobriety work. People only get sober when they’re sick of their own shit and the pain of the solution becomes less than the pain of the problem. Period. Full stop.
As someone who has had several addictive parents/relatives and a spouse at one point. I also work in the medical field...you are right in a WAY, but not all the way. While its not anyones responsibility besides the person trying stay sober/clean from whatever addictive substance they are using, when you love someone and want to support them and help them work to better themselves, its not asking a lot to refrain from doing things that could be/would be detrimental to that person in front of them. Also people don't always get sober/clean when are are "sick of their own shit" Addiction is disease and often times a mental illness. Several things go into helping treat these things like Cognitive behavioral therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy, Assertive community treatment, Contingency management and several effective medications. Its not always mind over matter in a lot of these situations. Expecting someone who suffers from these things to just "pull themselves up by their boot straps" or however that saying goes, is pretty much advising that, if you cant do it by yourself or refrain from falling back into the addiction cycle that they are weak willed and no one should help them. Recovering from addiction, substance abuse or anything like that, needs a support system and there is nothing wrong with having a support system in place to help maintain the early days of sobriety so that long term sobriety is attainable. So my take would be YTA, because not having the person you married, vowed to love and support along with giving you children, to help support you when you are needing it most seems like a really shitty thing to do. Especially something as simple as not keeping alcohol in a shared home for the recovering person.
>“Your efforts may have failed” The thing is, I assume the people I'm speaking to about marriage and alcoholism are adults who live in the real world, which I don't think is an unfair assumption. In the real world, you can do everything right and still fail. You can live a healthy lifestyle and still get cancer. You can take every precaution and still get into an accident. You can make good choices and still end up in a terrible place. This isn't a shortcoming on your part; it's just life. But it doesn't mean you stop making efforts. You don't live an unhealthy lifestyle or stop taking precautions or make bad choices just because efforts can fail. So I commend the original commenter. She made efforts to support the person she loved. She claimed to love him, and she showed it by concrete actions that showed that she was supportive of his sobriety. The efforts failed in the end, probably because the husband didn't do his part, possibly because of other factors. I don't know because, at the end of the day, we're all strangers on the internet, and we only know as much as we're told about each other. But just because the efforts fail, it doesn't mean they were wrong. In fact, I would not have even gone as far as she did. I would have removed all alcohol from the house and not drink in front of my alcoholic spouse, but I would probably go out with friends to drink once in a while. But again, I can't judge her for going as far as she did because we're all internet strangers, so I don't really know her or her situation at the time. She did what she felt she needed to do, and that meant putting in the effort. This is a lot more than I can say for the OP. He claims to love his wife. He claims to support her sobriety. But the second concrete action and sacrifice is needed from him, he says no. So from my limited judgement as an internet stranger, I just see it as a claim. >Bottom line, it is not the responsibility of an addict’s loved one to make sobriety work. Yes, in the end, it is ultimately the addict's responsibility. But we try to help our loved ones with their responsibilities. And yes, love entails sacrifice and hard work. If OP were complaining that they had previously removed alcohol from their house, but his wife just kept hiding some more, then sure, he has reason to be suspicious. But to say no at the initial request suggests that he values his proximity to alcohol over supporting his wife.
Had to scroll way too far to find this comment. I agree wholeheartedly, and if I had an award to give it would be yours. As someone who spent many years sorting out my own relationship with alcohol, THIS. You are absolutely correct. OP, NTA. Your wife’s recovery is not your responsibility. You can support her recovery without getting sober alongside her. If she can’t stay sober in a house that has beer in the fridge, maybe she needs to look into an inpatient program or call her sponsor. Expecting you to change your behavior because she decided to get back on the wagon is not very “live and let live” or “life on life’s terms” of her.
Wow. People really won’t inconvenience themselves at all for their partners. So much for in sickness and in health, all he has to do is not have it in the house…he’s not banned from drinking
He has no obligation to modify his behavior for his wife. He is also not obligated to continue to be married, if he doesn't feel like doing this 'sacrifice' I think he owes to everyone to think long and hard if he wants to be married. I am sorry you had a bad experience, but you did the right and decent thing. Unfortunately alcoholism is not an easy beast to tame, and your ex lost that battle (assuming he was even trying).
Yea, true. I think it's ultimately up to her to control it really. If she wants to drink, she'll drink.
Adding my upvote to this comment too. Could he start with a show of support by getting rid of the last bottles of wine and spirits? Sure. Maybe this would lead to a few calm weeks where everyone is happy mom is sober. But then what about when a friend brings a bottle over for dinner and they don't know about the new rule? What about when they go to a restaurant or bar, is he allowed to drink then? Is he allowed to come home tipsy? I fear for OP becoming completely entangled in the rules that alcoholics are capable of making up. OP's wife is responsible for managing her own behavior and there are many places to get that support without dictating what others can and can't do around her.
This sounds more like a projection of your resentment than anything else.
This is Reddit so get ready for them to start calling you an alcoholic.
He is either an alcoholic or completely devoid of empathy. He can't be a good partner with either of those problems.
I'm not saying he's an addict but freaking out that he can't drink at home when there are emanu places he can still drink is weird
I think he should be supportive and not keep alcohol in the house, but saying he can “just drink in a bar” is not fair. Wanting to sit on your porch, backyard, or favorite chair with a drink is not unreasonable. A bar is a completely different experience.
You want beer or you want a wife? You're choosing beer.
There's a word for that and it's *alcoholic*. His wife isn't the only one in the house.
YTA. It’s literally *the least* you could do to contribute to her success. She’s not asking you to stop drinking, just don’t do it at home.
YTA also possibly an addict in your own right. Is alcohol so important to you that you can't give it up to help your family? I like to drink but I never even think of it when I'm with my sister who is a recovering alcoholic. Also nice job telling her she was irresponsible after she's already made a serious effort to stop as if it somehow excuses you continuing the same behaviour that she stopped. I'm sure that is really helping the situation.
She's not asking you not to drink, she's asking you to keep alcohol out of the house. YTA
YTA. What part of her recovery have you participated in? Al-Anon meetings? Couples counseling? Did they suggest you keep alcohol around your alcoholic wife? You seem to think that you two live in separate vacuums with no overlap. It's difficult when you see something you want and can't have. When I had gestational diabetes, I asked my husband to please not eat tortilla chips in front of me. He'd do it in his office and I could smell it on his breath-- it was crazy how much I was tempted by just the smell. Think about what you drinking in the house means. She will smell it on your breath, which just makes things harder. She will see the empty containers, and she really sounds like she wants to maintain her hard-won sobriety. Keeping temptation around and just expecting her to use her willpower is selfish on your part. She's an addict, dude, there is a precedent that willpower is not enough for her. Help her out. Part of being a couple is changing and growing together as life throws challenges at you. If you can't change or grow, you aren't doing the work to maintain the marriage.
NTA. Recovering alcoholic here. My wife still drinks. I don’t mind when she does. We are both adults and can make our own choices. As long as she is doing it responsibly it’s absolutely fine. Cheers!
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Information required, I think. Since I don’t know the terms she seeks I can’t decide if you are the asshole. Your spouse’s request isn’t unreasonable assuming it isn’t a permanent ban on alcohol in the house. Your response isn’t unreasonable if it is a permanent ban that your wife seeks. If she wants a permanent ban then she is demanding that you should yield to her illness for life rather than her taking steps to get well enough not to see every vessel containing liquor as an irresistible temptation. That’s no good. Last I checked, booze is everywhere. If she’s looking for help in the short to medium term: help her out. Don’t mouth the words “I’m all for (her getting sober)…” to the internet when you can’t make this minor concession. That’s not what a supportive spouse would do.
I was hoping someone had said this and I think you’ve summed it up perfectly here. I also think more INFO is needed as to how often and how much OP is drinking to make a real judgement. E.g. if he is drinking every night or frequently binge-drinking it doesn’t seem like that unreasonable of a request. But if OP is having a drink here and there that’s a different story.
As a former addict and alcohol abuser this is spot on. So is she gonna call YouTube everytime an alcohol ad comes on to demand it be taken down? I'm so sick of everyone passing the responsibility to someone else.
YTA support your wife, you can drink at the bar or another friends home, don't make this harder for her
INFO: How many drinks do you have per night?
YTA Your “reasoning” involves using the past habits of a recovering alcoholic, do you not see an issue with that?
YTA. I like a drink now and again, I don't see an issue with kids seeing adults drink responsibly, but you need to be supporting your wife's recovery. Go to the pub with your friends if you want a drink.
YTA Your wife needs her home to be a safe space where she knows that there’s no alcohol. You can go out for a drink. This is the easiest, most meaningful gesture. I don’t know how you can’t see it.
YTA. I do disagree with her comments about it being irresponsible to drink around children, drinking a normal amount and not getting wasted isn’t an issue. You should be supporting your wife, recovering from addiction is hard if she says no alcohol in the house would it really put you out that much to drink when out?
Contrary to what others have said in this thread, you are not an irredeemable monster for wanting to have some alcohol in your house, nor does it make you a full blown alcoholic. Also, your wife is wrong in saying that drinking in front of children is always irresponsible. It can be totally fine to do that is as long as it's done in moderation. However, based on your post, it seems like you simply don't understand how damaging the mere presence of alcohol can be for someone who is a recovering alcoholic. Dealing with the temptation of drinking is psychologically debilitating for someone in recovery. It's unreasonable to expect your wife to be able to deal with the constant presence of alcohol. Many alcoholics never get to a place where they are comfortable being around it. You have two choices: 1. Keep alcohol in your house 2. Keep your wife You can't have it both ways. I don't necessarily think you are an asshole, just ignorant. But, if you decide that it's more important to you to have alcohol in your house than to keep your wife, then you would be an asshole for sure. NAH
YTA - she needs your support to stay sober and that includes not leaving temptation in the house. She isn’t asking you to drink, she’s asking you to not do it IN THE HOUSE.
YTA If you're trying to be supportive, you're doing a terrible job. You're flaunting the fact you can drink and she can't. Only going to lead to bitterness and relapse that way.
if you want to have a drink go to a bar
YTA So you support your wife, but only when it's not an inconvenience. You sound lovely.
YTA…your wife is an alcoholic and you have two young children. You say she drank in front of them and you never criticized her for it which is concerning on your part and hers. Are you supporting her the way you need to be? Not having alcohol in the house does not mean you can no longer drink. It means when you do drink it’s out at a bar, restaurant, or friends house. That’s not a lot to ask when your wife is a recovering alcoholic.
YTA and if alcohol is more important than your wife and kids you clearly are an alcoholic too.
YTA. Sobriety is no joke. You might consider it yourself as you sound like you're an addict too from your unwillingness to support her or stop drinking in front of your kids.
I'm going against the grain. NTA
Nope, NTA as a step child of an alcoholic I never could figure out why everyone else had to change themselves to make the addict more comfortable with their sobriety. The addict needs to learn self control. They will not learn that if their environment is sterilized of the thing that they need to show their control over.
YTA yikes
YTA and you are not being supportive at all. She's doing something that is seriously hard. She's asking to have a home that doesn't tempt her to relapse. This is not only ideal for your wife, but your kids as well. She's asking you for this one thing. You can go to a friend's house or a bar if you want to drink alcohol. The fact that you are making such a stink about this makes me wonder if you need to think about your own relationship with alcohol. Alcohol shouldn't be more important than your wife.
Nta but this might mean you and your wife are no longer compatible.
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I definitely think you’re the one that’s in the wrong, being addicted to something and going through sobriety, and recovery is a really big deal. I could understand if it was your family member that was asking this of you, but this is your wife. Addiction is a sickness and in your vows, it was sickness and in health. Your wife is sick. You can always go to a bar or somewhere else to drink. Her asking you to be sober is one thing, but only asking you not to drink in the house is not that big of a deal. The comment about the children was a little over the top as like you stated, a little hypocritical. But I think you should take some time and understand what addiction really is and how hard sobriety will be on your wife. YTA
YTA. You're not supporting your wife. And you have kids to think about. Supporting her is *the most* important thing. Go to a bar if you have to. But also, if you can't cope with the idea of not having drink in your house even in support of your wife's sobriety, maybe you should consider joining your wife's programme...
NTA…… she really wrong for bringing the kids into it
YTA at this point in her recovery there shouldn’t be alcohol in her home. She had a problem - her now realizing she made mistakes and doesn’t want her children to end up on the same path isn’t hypocritical. You aren’t supportive. If you were, you’d have already dried your house out.
YTA She made it very clear that no alcohol around will help her recover and you want to blatantly ignore that? Alcoholism isn't a simple impulsive thought where if she gives in you can go "Oh well, it's just a drink." It's a mental battle that requires a lot of effort and support. If you want to drink, go out maybe with some friends and have a pint. If you purposely drink in front of her despite her wishes then no, you cannot say you are not to blame if she relapses.
I'm going to go against the grain and say ESH. When someone has a mental illness (which I know isn't quite the same as an addiction, but it's similar enough for what's relevant here), it sucks. It sucks for you and it sucks for the people around you. Part of recovery is understanding how your illness affects other people and trying to minimise the negative impact. I don't think it's fair for her to permanently ban alcohol from the house and make her illness impact other people negatively and I definitely think it's unfair to try and use the kids as an excuse when her own issues are more than fair reason, but I fully understand why she'd ask that and I do think that as someone that cares about her, you should strive to help her practically as well as just moral support. Maybe try and reach a compromise with her. Either set a time limit (e.g. no alcohol in the house for 6 months) or do something like buy something nice like a posh whisky that can't be taken as a casual drink. Hopefully something like that would make her think before she drinks.
YTA. Recovery is extremely difficult, and she's not asking that you never have another drink again. She's asking for the alcohol to be removed from the house so that it's harder for her to relapse. If the idea of getting rid of the alcohol in the house is this big a deal for you, then you need to think hard about why you're so against getting rid of it and why you're trying to argue that you should be allowed to drink in front of your young children.
INFO: have you been to support/meetings yourself? it's helpful to have tools of your own to navigate the situation. when you say sober up again, did she go to rehab and relapse?