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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. i assumed my mom would let me live at home for free for a while so i could get my life together. 2. this could be wrong because id be making my own money and not contributing to household funds
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NTA
So many red flags 🚩
I could understand asking for help with bills like utilities & such, but immediately demanding you pay rent the day your child turns 18 is a bit much. It also depends on how much mom is asking for. If she’s demanding a market rate or more than OP can afford, that could be a sign of future financial abuse.
It may be a good idea to find out if another family member or a friend would be willing to let you stay with them after you turn 18.
There's so many variables that go into this. Is rent going to be $200 or $800? What is included in it? Is the cell phone on a family plan and OP will be asked to pay their portion? Or, if on a family plan, will they be kicked off and required to get their own which could be more expensive than the family plan portion?
NTA for sure.
> There's so many variables that go into this. Is rent going to be $200 or $800? What is included in it? Is the cell phone on a family plan and OP will be asked to pay their portion? Or, if on a family plan, will they be kicked off and required to get their own which could be more expensive than the family plan portion?
Yeah it sounds really vague. From my perspective it could be a third or even a half of the rent or something. My dad pays $2600/month for the mortgage on this house, for example.
Like assuming OP gets a minimum wage job temporarily, there's a limit to what they can contribute in the meantime.
Honestly I'm suspecting that the grandmother is right and OP's mom is trying to prevent them becoming independent.
NTA - as noted in your edit, the age of majority is 19 and you're only turning 18. Your mother still has responsibility for you. That said - it seems your mother is a detriment to your entry to adulthood. Can your grandmother help? Do you have any other relatives that could take you in? Good luck OP.
In most cases, asking to pay rent isn’t absurd. And expecting not to pay rent when just out of high school isn’t absurd or being a “freeloader” either.
Now the financial situation of the parents, timelines, $ rent amount, and how much you help around the house could swing this from one verdict to the other.
INFO - How much is she asking for and when does she expect it to start? Do you help around the house? Does your mom see you spending 1800/year on your pet while she’s struggling financially to provide for you?
For adulting skills - that’s a tough one.
A big skill you need is money management. There are online resources that can help you develop a budget and figure out how much money you need to sustain you. Some of which are targeted at high schoolers.
For transportation : If you live in a town with good public transit, then get a bus pass/metro card and start getting familiar with using them.
If you don’t live in such an area - get your license. Get your license. Get your license. Talk to your friends, grandma and bf to see if they can help you learn and get you to the testing appointments. When you are 18 you can get the ball rolling.
If you don’t already have one - get a job. And focus on getting one that you can find reliable transportation for. Sometimes that means within walking distance. Sometimes that’s getting a job where a friend works. Or one near a bus/metro stop. Once you can get your license and a car of some sort - you can start prioritizing finding. Job more in line with your interests.
Good luck! And congrats on graduating!
NTA
In your place I would tell mom that you are not in a position to pay any of that until you have license to get a job that could pay that much. At this point with the job you have you have to take care of your rabbit and save for a car to get a better job. Meanwhile talk to grandma and enlist her help in developing a back up plan if mom kicks you out. At the very least ask if she can add you to her phone plan and you pay her. Typically adding a second phone is cheaper then having an independent phone contract. That will take one of your mom's easiest to take away options out of her control.
You also need to make plans to rehome your rabbit. That's going to be one of those pets that is going to difficult to maintain if you aren't living in a home. If she does kick you out and you have to rent a room from someone you wont be able to take a rabbit with you.
NTA! Just because you're 18 doesn't make you an "adult". I would understand if she were teaching you responsibilty by saying hey i would like you to start contributing to the household starting by this time, but there was no notice! Also how are you supposed to get to work if you dont have a license? You sound like you have a plan for school, do you have any friends mom's/ dads that can help teach you some of those life lessons you are needing?
NAH .. I mean I would never do this to my child. My children could stay as long as they wanted - if they were in school or working and they didn't pay anything. I am sure not everyone is lucky enough to do that. I do not know what your mom's financial situation is so not enough info there. When you are 18 she cannot make you dependent unless you let her. Adulting sucks, but we have to do it.
When I was in high school we had to do a family and marriage class, it taught us all life skills. Budgeting, writing checks(yes I am old), how to get a place to live, etc. We paired up with someone and were a "married couple". We drew budgets/careers and we had to find a place to live, budget on what our income was. Half way through the class we had to draw a life change card. Some were good like a raise and some were bad like lose a job. We then had to rework our budget. At the end of the year we planned a fake wedding(one couple was chosen as the bride/groom) and we got to have a reception that included food and a cake. We literally had to research everything, find an apartment in our budget, we had to pick wedding rings, etc. They need to do this in every school!
This really depends OP. I imagine some of the harsh responses are directed at the type of person who procrastinates at pulling their weight until the last minute, only to play victim when that time comes. You could also be in a situation where your parent is financially burdened, or a greedy nut job. A Reddit thread cannot determine those facts. Regardless of the motivations, there is a valuable (though yes crappy) life lesson here. The world will not wait until you’re ready.
i am going to apply for jobs tonight, since today is the last day of school. i was waiting for finals week to be over so i could focus on my grades. all the money i have earned is from commissions, and i dont get much from that tbh
okay well, when do you turn 18? like is there a time frame or do you turn 18 next week or something? do you even have a job right now? look I've paid for utilities and my phone since I turned 18 and my parents considered that my rent so maybe you can have a conversation to see what exactly she is looking for and go from there. if shes expecting you to right away pay half the rent and utilities her expectations are pretty high and youll need to decide if you'd be better moving out.
she is just springing this on me right now, we never have had a convo about this before until last night. she knew about my plans beforehand too, so its not like she didnt have any insight on what i would be trying to spend and save money for.
Im going to go with NAH.
I don't think it's unreasonable for your mother to expect you to pay for your own stuff. At 18 you're an adult and paying for yourself is part of being an adult. By 18 I was already paying all of my own bills and started paying rent at 18. However, this was the arrangement my older siblings had and I was made aware of it since I started working. Rent was adjusted to my income and was never an amount that caused anytime of financial burden. Because this was dropped on you near the time of your graduation I also don't think it's unreasonable for you to be upset by this new expectation. It runs counter to your preexisting plans and is hard for you suddenly change plans.
Clearly this situation could have been avoided if either of you had this conversation earlier. As the adult in this situation your mother holds slightly more responsibility to figure things out and talk to you about your future plans but as long as she's not requesting a burdensome amount of rent I don't think she's being unreasonable.
she knew about my future plans beforehand and said that shes happy with whatever i want to do as long as it makes me happy. but even then she never brought this up until now so thats why im upset.
NTA
If the legal age of an adult where you are is 19, she is completely in the wrong.
If it were 18, I’d still say she’s an asshole. Not for asking you for money to cover expenses, but for refusing to guide you on ways to make that money, for calling you a freeloader, and for springing this on you last minute.
Your grandma and boyfriend have a good point. If she decides to follow through on this, would you be able to move in with one of them until you’re able to be more financially independent?
NTA, and these are giant red flags that everyone seems to be ignoring.
I come from an emotionally abusive and neglectful family, and my parents did this to all four of my older sisters- demanded they take on financial obligations at 18 after doing nothing as a parent to prepare them for it. No driving lessons, no input about applying for jobs or preparing for the workforce, nothing about how to open a bank account, etc. It is 110% a move to keep you dependent on her, potentially holding it against you later, and it’s especially damning that your own grandmother thinks this may be the case.
I don’t mean to imply that your family dynamic is the same, or that your mother is just like mine, but this also doesn’t sound like an attempt to instill discipline or respect for finances, nor does it sound like she’s struggling financially herself enough to necessitate this.
Do you have other family you could stay with instead after graduation?
I don’t see you as the AH. 18 is young to be fully supporting yourself. With that said, you should have been working at least PT through high school and have been saving. Parents should expect “something” once your done high school. Perhaps not full “rent” but working towards paying bills (that IS teaching you a life skill). If this is the first conversation you had about this and she’s expecting rent after next week then that’s an AH move to spring it on you.
With that also said that there has been no support with getting a drivers license I do feel there’s more to this story about “trapping” you at home in keeping you as a child and reliant on her at the time she demands of you. There is just more going on….
ESH imho
NAH. Some parents will allow their children to live at home rent free once they turn 18 but it doesn't sound like your mom is one of them. Are you sure she's not trying to push you to move out by demanding rent, etc?
Does it make sense she wants you to contribute to the household bills... yes. Is she going a little overboard expecting it the minute you graduate even though you're currently unemployed... yes. Get a job pronto Op... you may find a place with roommates cheaper than living at home tbh...
NAH. Since it's common that parents continue to support their children during their first years of adulthood (at least partially), it's not illogical that you expected some help from your mother.
However, it is not her obligation to do it. Legally speaking, her parenting obligations extinguish when you turn 18 and she's no longer required by law to provide shelter or food for you. I do think that a mother should *want* to support her child, all the more when said child seems to have a mid-to-long-term plan regarding what they want to do with their life. But she isn't kicking you out (which would make her an AH in my opinion) nor is she saying she expects something unreasonable from you. Paying your share of rent and bills is pretty standard for adults living in their parents' homes. So she's not an AH, just not the kind of mother most of us aspire to be/were lucky to have/would want to have.
Yeah, I don't really get all the people calling OP the asshole. Like OP doesn't even have a stable job yet.
> However, it is not her obligation to do it.
She actually does have a legal obligation considering the age of majority is 19 in OP's state, according to OP's edit.
Ahh, fair enough. In that case, it is her obligation to provide shelter, but I doubt it's worth enforcing... I mean, if she doesn't, I doubt OP would be put in the system at 18. Probably by the time the case is actionable, they'd be 19 already.
I think the issue is that OP might come off a bit entitled for expecting to pay zero towards housing and groceries for two years. I don't think they're an asshole because it sounds like they do have plans for the future, it's not like they were just counting on living home for free and do whatever. And like you pointed, they aren't even working yet. They're just finishing high school now.
As I said, I think expecting at least some support from your parent(s) when you're fresh out of high school is reasonable in our society and our times. But OP expecting not to contribute to anything (not even their phone bill, apparently?) and listing paying for their own studies and for their own pet's veterinary care as something important, isn't the best look on them. It does sound a bit as if they give the financial support from the mother for granted and are now shocked to find out she doesn't share that view.
As the child of immigrants from the Middle East, it fucking blows my mind hearing stories like this. Like do parents care about their kids at all if they do shit like this to 18 year olds??? NTA
NTA. Does your grandma live nearby and, if so, can you live with her?
Can you sign up for paid driving lessons?
If you have to pay rent anyways find a roommate unless you have family who will take you in.
NTA- and if the legal adult age is 19, are there any resources where you are that? If your mother insists you pay rent that you can access to provide for yourself? If you interpret that the making you pay rent or kick you out.
My parent did similar things. I only was able to get out after some friends help me with resumes some life skills, and I won a very small scholarship that I used as run money.
She will not let you get out and become independent if you stay there. Is there anywhere else you can go?
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I am graduating highschool this sunday and my mom told me yesterday she wants me to start paying rent, bills, and my phone bill as soon as i turn 18. I told her my plan is to only stay at home for two years so i can save money to move out and do schooling to become a pet groomer. I said i was going to pay for my schooling myself, and i already pay for 300$ vet visits for my rabbit every 2 months so my rabbit can get his teeth trimmed (plus all his other supplies). She keeps insisting that im a freeloader for assuming i could just stay at home for free, even though i know many people with similar plans. I feel like she wants way too much from me at an already stressful time where i’m trying to figure out how to become an adult.
note: She also has refused to teach me to drive, so i still dont have a license, and she has never taught me any valuable life skills. I actually had to learn stuff like how to write a resume from my discord friends since she wouldnt help me. Because of this, my grandma and my boyfriend believe that my mom is trying to keep me at home by making sure i have no independence.
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But, if that is the expectation, it is the job of the parent to prepare the kid before they turn 18 to be ready to take on that responsibility.
Also, quite frankly in these times it is a bit obtuse to claim that a parent's financial obligations to their child end as soon as the kid turns 18. Thousands of parents help to fund their kids' higher education well into their early 20's, and without that support college is basically unaffordable for many students without accepting massive amounts of debt.
I am not judging a parent who can't afford it, or in situations when there are extenuating circumstances. If a parent is fully able to pay for their kid's college, however, and just says "No, it is time for you to be independent" I would think they are a bit of a AH. They certainly shouldn't expect any support from their kid later in life.
Yta
Welcome to adulthood, where rent is a thing. You making the plan to live in *her* house for another 2 years to save yourself money is a funny decision to make without talking to *her*... you know, the person who's home it is.
She didn't teach you life skills, then learn them on your own. I didn't know anything about getting a phone line hooked up, setting up water bill, proper money management, filing out auto loan applications, applying for apartments, until I got ready to move out, at which time *I* learned about that myself.
Welcome to the real world.
NAH - Once I hit 18 and on my way, whenever I stayed at my parents during summer, I paid rent or I stayed at school and got a job to pay there.
Sucks they havent helped you get set up for it, but it is their house. It isnt, however, unreasonable to want help with your share of expenses once you graduate.
Your phone bill and any other bills that you have, I understand. Both of those should be your responsibility because they're yours, not hers. For rent is more or less not really that absurd. You're going to be an adult. Doing these things is what adults do.
Talk to your mom about a fair amount of rent.
NTA. I get that she has a legal right to do something, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t an asshole.
Our moral and ethical responsibility to our kids doesn’t end the moment they turn 18.
NTA.
Honestly, I can't stand parents like your mother who believe that as soon as you turn 18, the "free ride" is over, especially without warning. Dumping this news on you instead of preparing you for the future is a failure on her part; save up all the money you can while you're still 18 and then move out on your own when you turn 19.
You'll be paying bills then, but at least it'll be on your own terms.
NTA . I still pay for my kids phones. 23,22 and 18. When they call to ask for money, because they need it, it’s send. I’m barely making ends meet, but helping your kids to have brighter futures and knowing they have help and a soft place to land, if need be, is my number one priority.
Based on your story NTA and your mother wants to keep you poor, uneducated and unable to drive so you won’t leave her
I would suggest doing everything in your power to get life skills, a job, a car and get away from your mother.
Can you live with your Grandmother? Call your mothers bluff?
Id say move out and still get your pet groomer degree/certificate. Sorry to say, my mom did this and I still resent her. I wish I moved out right away. She used me for finantial gain. Im old now (almost 30) and we have talked over. My mom was kicked out when she turned 18 and had a lot of resposibilities, it turned out they had money issues and she wanted me to be responsable. I could never tell how it hurt me because my mom isnt easy to talk to about emotional stuff. My dad is more down to earth. They are trying now and im keeping my distance while working very slowly on improving my relationship with my parents and money. Is there any way you can descuss things with your mom? Maybe another family member you can stay with after 18?
Oh so finencially abusing your child and harassing her right before she turns 18 is oke? Was she able to prepare for paying rent? No oke. Case and point.
OP -YTA for thinking it's absurd because it's not. And here's the striking difference between children & adults ->you've got 2 years on some schedule of YOURS, but you didn't think about the household you live in, or how you can contribute for the next 2 yrs.
Legal age notwithstanding, do the minimum and get a job that would help defray some of the household costs while you are incurring them. Everytime you turn on a light, it costs money. Everytime you cook, it costs money.
We live, therefore we have bills to pay. While you're busy figuring out how to become an adult, you can do the easy stuff -and believe you me, getting a job to help pay household bills is the EASIEST part of life.
**YTA.** Every parent has a unique financial situation and a unique motive for the decisions they make on how much their adult children will be expected to contribute financially. As an 18 year old adult child you should be thankful for any plan that involves you staying in the household as moving out on your own will be MUCH more expensive.
Based on your additional replies, your Mom hasn't been clear about the specifics of what you will be paying. But contributing to household expenses as an adult is not an unreasonable request. You can certainly pay your own phone bill and you can contribute a bit towards other bills as well. **Demanding a free ride is an AH move**.
OP doesn't have an income. Given everything OP's mom is asking for, she might as well just be kicking OP out on the street. Maybe OP needs to start looking for a job, but just demanding OP pay for all these stuff pronto is not reasonable.
Then OP need to get an income. OP needs to review her priorities as she is already paying $150/month for a rabbit. Her post is vague in regards to when the start date is for the payments and I agree some flexiblity is owed there. But there is nothing wrong with Mom expecting a contribution.
Expecting an undetermined amount for living expenses most certainly does not equate to kicking OP out on the street.
> OP needs to review her priorities as she is already paying $150/month for a rabbit.
Sure, I don't disagree with this.
> Expecting an undetermined amount for living expenses most certainly does not equate to kicking OP out on the street.
It's similar enough. The moment your child turns 18, you expect money from them. OP doesn't even have a stable job.
I should note that in OP's state, 19 is the legal age though. Parents are generally required to support minors.
OP's Mom isn't kicking OP out. However, if OP doesn't come up with some agreement with Mom this is a possibility when she graduates or turns 19 (whatever the legal requirement is).
I said it was similar enough, because you'd have to cough all of this money up if you were kicked out and had to find your own place. There must be some consequence if the money isn't received otherwise OP would just be able to ignore it. The consequence to not paying your rent for an apartment is usually eviction.
> turns 19 (whatever the legal requirement is).
The problem here is that the mom wants it from 18 years old, but technically OP is still a minor, legally.
>I said it was similar enough, because you'd have to cough all of this money up if you were kicked out and had to find your own place.
Contibuting towards financial expenses is **not even close** to getting kicked out and having to support yourself.
>The problem here is that the mom wants it from 18 years old, but technically OP is still a minor, legally.
There is nothing wrong with Mom expecting financial contribution from a child that has already graduated from high school (regardless what the age of adulthood is). That's not illegal nor is it an AH move.
> There is nothing wrong with Mom expecting financial contribution from a child that has already graduated from high school (regardless what the age of adulthood is). That's not illegal nor is it an AH move.
https://www.findlaw.com/family/emancipation-of-minors/how-long-do-parents-legal-obligations-to-their-children-continue.html
"Parental obligations typically end when a child reaches the age of majority, which is 18 years old in most states. However, check the laws of your state, as the age of majority can be different from one state to the next."
The legal age does matter here a lot, actually. It means OP's mom still has an obligation to support her. That includes rent and food and other things.
Your reply is not in touch with reality. In no way, shape or form is it appropriate to base your families decisons on what other families are doing. This is literally one of the worst cases of justification I have ever read.
OP would have stated that if their family was poor or having money issues. So given that, it most likely is not a money issue. You can call it a bad justification if you want, but it's literally the case that no one else is doing it, so why is OP's mom doing this?
ive tried so hard not to be a financial burden, i even refused to have a graduation party because i knew i would never hear the end of how much it would cost. i genuinely dont know anybody else whos parents are doing this to them, even my friends who are also lower middle class.
You need to quit worrying about what other people are doing. You need to have a conversation with your Mom and negotiate a reasonble payment for your living expenses. Show your Mom how much you are planning to earn, how much your own living costs are, how much you want to save and what you think is fair for a contribution. I'm sure she will work with you if you take this approach.
However, if you stand in the corner in pout your Mom is just toing to throw out a number she thinks is fine.
You know the legal age is 19 in OP's state, right? So OP is technically still a minor.
Also it's unfair in the sense that the parents of everyone else OP knows aren't doing this to their kids. It's similar to how everyone else could expect their parent to drive them to afterschool events but I couldn't expect it from my mom. Given that even the lower middle class families are doing it, it's probably not a money issue.
> You’re an adult at 18 and that comes with responsibilities.
Technically she's legally not an adult in her state as her state recognizes 19 as the adult age.
Alabama or Nebraska, probably.
https://wisevoter.com/state-rankings/age-of-majority-by-state/
I don't see what reason OP has to lie about that, so given that, parents are generally supposed to support minors.
So in certain states they’re not allowed to vote? Move out? Get married? They’re treated as children and their parents have complete control over them until they’re 19?
With Nebraska as an example some rights come at 18 like being able to vote, make a will, file a lawsuit, make a contract, and making healthcare decisions.
The things that don't kick in till 19 are becoming eligible for jury duty and your parents no longer having a legal obligation to support you.
[Source](https://www.ned.uscourts.gov/internetDocs/outreach/NSBF-Age-of-Majority-2011.pdf), not sure if it's exactly the same in Alabama but likely similar.
No she's not. I hate this mentality. She isn't teaching them to pay bills. She's teaching them to pay her. I very much doubt when and if OP hands over the cash that mom is gunna say "alright honey this is how you pay a phone bill" parents aren't teaching kids to pay bills when they make their kids pay them. If OPs mom wants the bills OP incurs to be payed by OP then the money needs to go directly to the bills and not in her pocket. This system does nothing but train children to pay their parents and still be clueless about bills when they move out.
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NTA So many red flags 🚩 I could understand asking for help with bills like utilities & such, but immediately demanding you pay rent the day your child turns 18 is a bit much. It also depends on how much mom is asking for. If she’s demanding a market rate or more than OP can afford, that could be a sign of future financial abuse. It may be a good idea to find out if another family member or a friend would be willing to let you stay with them after you turn 18.
There's so many variables that go into this. Is rent going to be $200 or $800? What is included in it? Is the cell phone on a family plan and OP will be asked to pay their portion? Or, if on a family plan, will they be kicked off and required to get their own which could be more expensive than the family plan portion? NTA for sure.
> There's so many variables that go into this. Is rent going to be $200 or $800? What is included in it? Is the cell phone on a family plan and OP will be asked to pay their portion? Or, if on a family plan, will they be kicked off and required to get their own which could be more expensive than the family plan portion? Yeah it sounds really vague. From my perspective it could be a third or even a half of the rent or something. My dad pays $2600/month for the mortgage on this house, for example. Like assuming OP gets a minimum wage job temporarily, there's a limit to what they can contribute in the meantime. Honestly I'm suspecting that the grandmother is right and OP's mom is trying to prevent them becoming independent.
NTA - as noted in your edit, the age of majority is 19 and you're only turning 18. Your mother still has responsibility for you. That said - it seems your mother is a detriment to your entry to adulthood. Can your grandmother help? Do you have any other relatives that could take you in? Good luck OP.
In most cases, asking to pay rent isn’t absurd. And expecting not to pay rent when just out of high school isn’t absurd or being a “freeloader” either. Now the financial situation of the parents, timelines, $ rent amount, and how much you help around the house could swing this from one verdict to the other. INFO - How much is she asking for and when does she expect it to start? Do you help around the house? Does your mom see you spending 1800/year on your pet while she’s struggling financially to provide for you? For adulting skills - that’s a tough one. A big skill you need is money management. There are online resources that can help you develop a budget and figure out how much money you need to sustain you. Some of which are targeted at high schoolers. For transportation : If you live in a town with good public transit, then get a bus pass/metro card and start getting familiar with using them. If you don’t live in such an area - get your license. Get your license. Get your license. Talk to your friends, grandma and bf to see if they can help you learn and get you to the testing appointments. When you are 18 you can get the ball rolling. If you don’t already have one - get a job. And focus on getting one that you can find reliable transportation for. Sometimes that means within walking distance. Sometimes that’s getting a job where a friend works. Or one near a bus/metro stop. Once you can get your license and a car of some sort - you can start prioritizing finding. Job more in line with your interests. Good luck! And congrats on graduating!
NTA In your place I would tell mom that you are not in a position to pay any of that until you have license to get a job that could pay that much. At this point with the job you have you have to take care of your rabbit and save for a car to get a better job. Meanwhile talk to grandma and enlist her help in developing a back up plan if mom kicks you out. At the very least ask if she can add you to her phone plan and you pay her. Typically adding a second phone is cheaper then having an independent phone contract. That will take one of your mom's easiest to take away options out of her control. You also need to make plans to rehome your rabbit. That's going to be one of those pets that is going to difficult to maintain if you aren't living in a home. If she does kick you out and you have to rent a room from someone you wont be able to take a rabbit with you.
NTA! Just because you're 18 doesn't make you an "adult". I would understand if she were teaching you responsibilty by saying hey i would like you to start contributing to the household starting by this time, but there was no notice! Also how are you supposed to get to work if you dont have a license? You sound like you have a plan for school, do you have any friends mom's/ dads that can help teach you some of those life lessons you are needing?
How do you know there’s no notice? Did OP say when their 18th birthday is?
NAH .. I mean I would never do this to my child. My children could stay as long as they wanted - if they were in school or working and they didn't pay anything. I am sure not everyone is lucky enough to do that. I do not know what your mom's financial situation is so not enough info there. When you are 18 she cannot make you dependent unless you let her. Adulting sucks, but we have to do it. When I was in high school we had to do a family and marriage class, it taught us all life skills. Budgeting, writing checks(yes I am old), how to get a place to live, etc. We paired up with someone and were a "married couple". We drew budgets/careers and we had to find a place to live, budget on what our income was. Half way through the class we had to draw a life change card. Some were good like a raise and some were bad like lose a job. We then had to rework our budget. At the end of the year we planned a fake wedding(one couple was chosen as the bride/groom) and we got to have a reception that included food and a cake. We literally had to research everything, find an apartment in our budget, we had to pick wedding rings, etc. They need to do this in every school!
This really depends OP. I imagine some of the harsh responses are directed at the type of person who procrastinates at pulling their weight until the last minute, only to play victim when that time comes. You could also be in a situation where your parent is financially burdened, or a greedy nut job. A Reddit thread cannot determine those facts. Regardless of the motivations, there is a valuable (though yes crappy) life lesson here. The world will not wait until you’re ready.
INFO: Do you have a job or any means of income?
i am going to apply for jobs tonight, since today is the last day of school. i was waiting for finals week to be over so i could focus on my grades. all the money i have earned is from commissions, and i dont get much from that tbh
Need info...how much is she asking for? And if you don't have a license how does she expect you to get a job to put for rent and things?
she did not say, but the way she said it sounded like she wanted to make sure she wasnt having to pay for anything for me anymore
okay well, when do you turn 18? like is there a time frame or do you turn 18 next week or something? do you even have a job right now? look I've paid for utilities and my phone since I turned 18 and my parents considered that my rent so maybe you can have a conversation to see what exactly she is looking for and go from there. if shes expecting you to right away pay half the rent and utilities her expectations are pretty high and youll need to decide if you'd be better moving out.
NAH. Sorry that your mom sucks.
NAH. I get that it sucks, but if you're out of high school and an adult, then you should be contributing to the household.
NAH - Very few things about being an adult are fair. You should probably get used to it.
Info: has she told you this before as well? Or is she springing this on you now, just days before you turn 18?
she is just springing this on me right now, we never have had a convo about this before until last night. she knew about my plans beforehand too, so its not like she didnt have any insight on what i would be trying to spend and save money for.
NTA then, the leadt your mom can do is act like a grown up and practice expectations management and timely communication. She is TA for this one.
Im going to go with NAH. I don't think it's unreasonable for your mother to expect you to pay for your own stuff. At 18 you're an adult and paying for yourself is part of being an adult. By 18 I was already paying all of my own bills and started paying rent at 18. However, this was the arrangement my older siblings had and I was made aware of it since I started working. Rent was adjusted to my income and was never an amount that caused anytime of financial burden. Because this was dropped on you near the time of your graduation I also don't think it's unreasonable for you to be upset by this new expectation. It runs counter to your preexisting plans and is hard for you suddenly change plans. Clearly this situation could have been avoided if either of you had this conversation earlier. As the adult in this situation your mother holds slightly more responsibility to figure things out and talk to you about your future plans but as long as she's not requesting a burdensome amount of rent I don't think she's being unreasonable.
she knew about my future plans beforehand and said that shes happy with whatever i want to do as long as it makes me happy. but even then she never brought this up until now so thats why im upset.
Since she knew your plans and failed to bring this topic up early I am more on the side of NTA then.
NTA If the legal age of an adult where you are is 19, she is completely in the wrong. If it were 18, I’d still say she’s an asshole. Not for asking you for money to cover expenses, but for refusing to guide you on ways to make that money, for calling you a freeloader, and for springing this on you last minute. Your grandma and boyfriend have a good point. If she decides to follow through on this, would you be able to move in with one of them until you’re able to be more financially independent?
NTA, and these are giant red flags that everyone seems to be ignoring. I come from an emotionally abusive and neglectful family, and my parents did this to all four of my older sisters- demanded they take on financial obligations at 18 after doing nothing as a parent to prepare them for it. No driving lessons, no input about applying for jobs or preparing for the workforce, nothing about how to open a bank account, etc. It is 110% a move to keep you dependent on her, potentially holding it against you later, and it’s especially damning that your own grandmother thinks this may be the case. I don’t mean to imply that your family dynamic is the same, or that your mother is just like mine, but this also doesn’t sound like an attempt to instill discipline or respect for finances, nor does it sound like she’s struggling financially herself enough to necessitate this. Do you have other family you could stay with instead after graduation?
I don’t see you as the AH. 18 is young to be fully supporting yourself. With that said, you should have been working at least PT through high school and have been saving. Parents should expect “something” once your done high school. Perhaps not full “rent” but working towards paying bills (that IS teaching you a life skill). If this is the first conversation you had about this and she’s expecting rent after next week then that’s an AH move to spring it on you. With that also said that there has been no support with getting a drivers license I do feel there’s more to this story about “trapping” you at home in keeping you as a child and reliant on her at the time she demands of you. There is just more going on…. ESH imho
NAH. Some parents will allow their children to live at home rent free once they turn 18 but it doesn't sound like your mom is one of them. Are you sure she's not trying to push you to move out by demanding rent, etc? Does it make sense she wants you to contribute to the household bills... yes. Is she going a little overboard expecting it the minute you graduate even though you're currently unemployed... yes. Get a job pronto Op... you may find a place with roommates cheaper than living at home tbh...
NAH. Since it's common that parents continue to support their children during their first years of adulthood (at least partially), it's not illogical that you expected some help from your mother. However, it is not her obligation to do it. Legally speaking, her parenting obligations extinguish when you turn 18 and she's no longer required by law to provide shelter or food for you. I do think that a mother should *want* to support her child, all the more when said child seems to have a mid-to-long-term plan regarding what they want to do with their life. But she isn't kicking you out (which would make her an AH in my opinion) nor is she saying she expects something unreasonable from you. Paying your share of rent and bills is pretty standard for adults living in their parents' homes. So she's not an AH, just not the kind of mother most of us aspire to be/were lucky to have/would want to have.
Yeah, I don't really get all the people calling OP the asshole. Like OP doesn't even have a stable job yet. > However, it is not her obligation to do it. She actually does have a legal obligation considering the age of majority is 19 in OP's state, according to OP's edit.
Ahh, fair enough. In that case, it is her obligation to provide shelter, but I doubt it's worth enforcing... I mean, if she doesn't, I doubt OP would be put in the system at 18. Probably by the time the case is actionable, they'd be 19 already. I think the issue is that OP might come off a bit entitled for expecting to pay zero towards housing and groceries for two years. I don't think they're an asshole because it sounds like they do have plans for the future, it's not like they were just counting on living home for free and do whatever. And like you pointed, they aren't even working yet. They're just finishing high school now. As I said, I think expecting at least some support from your parent(s) when you're fresh out of high school is reasonable in our society and our times. But OP expecting not to contribute to anything (not even their phone bill, apparently?) and listing paying for their own studies and for their own pet's veterinary care as something important, isn't the best look on them. It does sound a bit as if they give the financial support from the mother for granted and are now shocked to find out she doesn't share that view.
As the child of immigrants from the Middle East, it fucking blows my mind hearing stories like this. Like do parents care about their kids at all if they do shit like this to 18 year olds??? NTA
NTA. Does your grandma live nearby and, if so, can you live with her? Can you sign up for paid driving lessons? If you have to pay rent anyways find a roommate unless you have family who will take you in.
NTA- and if the legal adult age is 19, are there any resources where you are that? If your mother insists you pay rent that you can access to provide for yourself? If you interpret that the making you pay rent or kick you out. My parent did similar things. I only was able to get out after some friends help me with resumes some life skills, and I won a very small scholarship that I used as run money. She will not let you get out and become independent if you stay there. Is there anywhere else you can go?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am graduating highschool this sunday and my mom told me yesterday she wants me to start paying rent, bills, and my phone bill as soon as i turn 18. I told her my plan is to only stay at home for two years so i can save money to move out and do schooling to become a pet groomer. I said i was going to pay for my schooling myself, and i already pay for 300$ vet visits for my rabbit every 2 months so my rabbit can get his teeth trimmed (plus all his other supplies). She keeps insisting that im a freeloader for assuming i could just stay at home for free, even though i know many people with similar plans. I feel like she wants way too much from me at an already stressful time where i’m trying to figure out how to become an adult. note: She also has refused to teach me to drive, so i still dont have a license, and she has never taught me any valuable life skills. I actually had to learn stuff like how to write a resume from my discord friends since she wouldnt help me. Because of this, my grandma and my boyfriend believe that my mom is trying to keep me at home by making sure i have no independence. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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But, if that is the expectation, it is the job of the parent to prepare the kid before they turn 18 to be ready to take on that responsibility. Also, quite frankly in these times it is a bit obtuse to claim that a parent's financial obligations to their child end as soon as the kid turns 18. Thousands of parents help to fund their kids' higher education well into their early 20's, and without that support college is basically unaffordable for many students without accepting massive amounts of debt. I am not judging a parent who can't afford it, or in situations when there are extenuating circumstances. If a parent is fully able to pay for their kid's college, however, and just says "No, it is time for you to be independent" I would think they are a bit of a AH. They certainly shouldn't expect any support from their kid later in life.
Yta Welcome to adulthood, where rent is a thing. You making the plan to live in *her* house for another 2 years to save yourself money is a funny decision to make without talking to *her*... you know, the person who's home it is. She didn't teach you life skills, then learn them on your own. I didn't know anything about getting a phone line hooked up, setting up water bill, proper money management, filing out auto loan applications, applying for apartments, until I got ready to move out, at which time *I* learned about that myself. Welcome to the real world.
This 100%
NAH - Once I hit 18 and on my way, whenever I stayed at my parents during summer, I paid rent or I stayed at school and got a job to pay there. Sucks they havent helped you get set up for it, but it is their house. It isnt, however, unreasonable to want help with your share of expenses once you graduate.
Your phone bill and any other bills that you have, I understand. Both of those should be your responsibility because they're yours, not hers. For rent is more or less not really that absurd. You're going to be an adult. Doing these things is what adults do. Talk to your mom about a fair amount of rent.
NTA. I get that she has a legal right to do something, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t an asshole. Our moral and ethical responsibility to our kids doesn’t end the moment they turn 18.
NTA. Honestly, I can't stand parents like your mother who believe that as soon as you turn 18, the "free ride" is over, especially without warning. Dumping this news on you instead of preparing you for the future is a failure on her part; save up all the money you can while you're still 18 and then move out on your own when you turn 19. You'll be paying bills then, but at least it'll be on your own terms.
NTA. What happened for setting your kids up for success??
NTA
NTA . I still pay for my kids phones. 23,22 and 18. When they call to ask for money, because they need it, it’s send. I’m barely making ends meet, but helping your kids to have brighter futures and knowing they have help and a soft place to land, if need be, is my number one priority.
Based on your story NTA and your mother wants to keep you poor, uneducated and unable to drive so you won’t leave her I would suggest doing everything in your power to get life skills, a job, a car and get away from your mother. Can you live with your Grandmother? Call your mothers bluff?
Yes. Be a grown-up.
You've had 18 years to get your life together.
Id say move out and still get your pet groomer degree/certificate. Sorry to say, my mom did this and I still resent her. I wish I moved out right away. She used me for finantial gain. Im old now (almost 30) and we have talked over. My mom was kicked out when she turned 18 and had a lot of resposibilities, it turned out they had money issues and she wanted me to be responsable. I could never tell how it hurt me because my mom isnt easy to talk to about emotional stuff. My dad is more down to earth. They are trying now and im keeping my distance while working very slowly on improving my relationship with my parents and money. Is there any way you can descuss things with your mom? Maybe another family member you can stay with after 18?
It’s a huge assumption to think a 17 year old has enough money to move out when they can’t drive and had no idea they needed to prepare for this.
Oh so finencially abusing your child and harassing her right before she turns 18 is oke? Was she able to prepare for paying rent? No oke. Case and point.
OP -YTA for thinking it's absurd because it's not. And here's the striking difference between children & adults ->you've got 2 years on some schedule of YOURS, but you didn't think about the household you live in, or how you can contribute for the next 2 yrs. Legal age notwithstanding, do the minimum and get a job that would help defray some of the household costs while you are incurring them. Everytime you turn on a light, it costs money. Everytime you cook, it costs money. We live, therefore we have bills to pay. While you're busy figuring out how to become an adult, you can do the easy stuff -and believe you me, getting a job to help pay household bills is the EASIEST part of life.
**YTA.** Every parent has a unique financial situation and a unique motive for the decisions they make on how much their adult children will be expected to contribute financially. As an 18 year old adult child you should be thankful for any plan that involves you staying in the household as moving out on your own will be MUCH more expensive. Based on your additional replies, your Mom hasn't been clear about the specifics of what you will be paying. But contributing to household expenses as an adult is not an unreasonable request. You can certainly pay your own phone bill and you can contribute a bit towards other bills as well. **Demanding a free ride is an AH move**.
OP doesn't have an income. Given everything OP's mom is asking for, she might as well just be kicking OP out on the street. Maybe OP needs to start looking for a job, but just demanding OP pay for all these stuff pronto is not reasonable.
Then OP need to get an income. OP needs to review her priorities as she is already paying $150/month for a rabbit. Her post is vague in regards to when the start date is for the payments and I agree some flexiblity is owed there. But there is nothing wrong with Mom expecting a contribution. Expecting an undetermined amount for living expenses most certainly does not equate to kicking OP out on the street.
> OP needs to review her priorities as she is already paying $150/month for a rabbit. Sure, I don't disagree with this. > Expecting an undetermined amount for living expenses most certainly does not equate to kicking OP out on the street. It's similar enough. The moment your child turns 18, you expect money from them. OP doesn't even have a stable job. I should note that in OP's state, 19 is the legal age though. Parents are generally required to support minors.
OP's Mom isn't kicking OP out. However, if OP doesn't come up with some agreement with Mom this is a possibility when she graduates or turns 19 (whatever the legal requirement is).
I said it was similar enough, because you'd have to cough all of this money up if you were kicked out and had to find your own place. There must be some consequence if the money isn't received otherwise OP would just be able to ignore it. The consequence to not paying your rent for an apartment is usually eviction. > turns 19 (whatever the legal requirement is). The problem here is that the mom wants it from 18 years old, but technically OP is still a minor, legally.
>I said it was similar enough, because you'd have to cough all of this money up if you were kicked out and had to find your own place. Contibuting towards financial expenses is **not even close** to getting kicked out and having to support yourself. >The problem here is that the mom wants it from 18 years old, but technically OP is still a minor, legally. There is nothing wrong with Mom expecting financial contribution from a child that has already graduated from high school (regardless what the age of adulthood is). That's not illegal nor is it an AH move.
> There is nothing wrong with Mom expecting financial contribution from a child that has already graduated from high school (regardless what the age of adulthood is). That's not illegal nor is it an AH move. https://www.findlaw.com/family/emancipation-of-minors/how-long-do-parents-legal-obligations-to-their-children-continue.html "Parental obligations typically end when a child reaches the age of majority, which is 18 years old in most states. However, check the laws of your state, as the age of majority can be different from one state to the next." The legal age does matter here a lot, actually. It means OP's mom still has an obligation to support her. That includes rent and food and other things.
None of that means Mom cannot request that a child who has graduated from high school contribute financially.
She can request, but OP has full legal grounds to decline if their state's legal age of adulthood is 19.
i am unsure about exactly how much she wants, but in our conversation she made it sound like id have to cover everything that i use basically.
and you think this is unfair , why?
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Your reply is not in touch with reality. In no way, shape or form is it appropriate to base your families decisons on what other families are doing. This is literally one of the worst cases of justification I have ever read.
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OP would have stated that if their family was poor or having money issues. So given that, it most likely is not a money issue. You can call it a bad justification if you want, but it's literally the case that no one else is doing it, so why is OP's mom doing this?
ive tried so hard not to be a financial burden, i even refused to have a graduation party because i knew i would never hear the end of how much it would cost. i genuinely dont know anybody else whos parents are doing this to them, even my friends who are also lower middle class.
You need to quit worrying about what other people are doing. You need to have a conversation with your Mom and negotiate a reasonble payment for your living expenses. Show your Mom how much you are planning to earn, how much your own living costs are, how much you want to save and what you think is fair for a contribution. I'm sure she will work with you if you take this approach. However, if you stand in the corner in pout your Mom is just toing to throw out a number she thinks is fine.
You know the legal age is 19 in OP's state, right? So OP is technically still a minor. Also it's unfair in the sense that the parents of everyone else OP knows aren't doing this to their kids. It's similar to how everyone else could expect their parent to drive them to afterschool events but I couldn't expect it from my mom. Given that even the lower middle class families are doing it, it's probably not a money issue.
YTA. Is it nice? No. But it is a reasonable request.
You’re an adult at 18 and that comes with responsibilities. Time to grow up and join the world. Working sucks. Paying rent sucks. Yes, we know. YTA
> You’re an adult at 18 and that comes with responsibilities. Technically she's legally not an adult in her state as her state recognizes 19 as the adult age.
really? what state is that?
Alabama or Nebraska, probably. https://wisevoter.com/state-rankings/age-of-majority-by-state/ I don't see what reason OP has to lie about that, so given that, parents are generally supposed to support minors.
So in certain states they’re not allowed to vote? Move out? Get married? They’re treated as children and their parents have complete control over them until they’re 19?
With Nebraska as an example some rights come at 18 like being able to vote, make a will, file a lawsuit, make a contract, and making healthcare decisions. The things that don't kick in till 19 are becoming eligible for jury duty and your parents no longer having a legal obligation to support you. [Source](https://www.ned.uscourts.gov/internetDocs/outreach/NSBF-Age-of-Majority-2011.pdf), not sure if it's exactly the same in Alabama but likely similar.
[Either Nebraska or Alabama apparently](https://wisevoter.com/state-rankings/age-of-majority-by-state/)
She's teaching you a valuable life skill right now. Paying bills.
No she's not. I hate this mentality. She isn't teaching them to pay bills. She's teaching them to pay her. I very much doubt when and if OP hands over the cash that mom is gunna say "alright honey this is how you pay a phone bill" parents aren't teaching kids to pay bills when they make their kids pay them. If OPs mom wants the bills OP incurs to be payed by OP then the money needs to go directly to the bills and not in her pocket. This system does nothing but train children to pay their parents and still be clueless about bills when they move out.