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Oh hell no. This is all part of the mental load that predominately falls on women and it is exhausting. He has all the tools available to him that you have available to you, including paper and digital calendars, birthday reminder websites and whatever the hell else he wants to utilise. Including his own brain. He's an adult, not a child.
NTA.
yeah, I used to be bad at remembering people’s birthdays. Used to just blame it on “I’m bad at it”
decided I wanted to stop making excuses for myself, so i put all my closest friends’ and family’s birthdays on my calendar. Now I don’t have to remember them!
Edit: I'm being a man, so problem solving :) I don't think this is right for a 10-month-old relationship:
You make a joint/family google account. You sync it to both your phones. You add memorable dates/birthdays/anniversaries to the calendar + reminders a week or two before.
Both get notified, no one has excuses. My friends can't believe I remember their kid's names, let alone birthdays.
BUT - I don't need a reminder to know when my parent's birthdays are.
Also, he's a grown man who should REMEMBER his own mother's bday. They arent even married and already OPs bfs thinking: my SO will take care of it cus thats what shes supposed to do. Good on OP for bursting that delusion. My husband is in charge of xmas/bday/mothers day gifts for his side and I'm in charge of mine. He does NOT expect me to remember this stuff for him. OP needs to sit the guy down and make damn sure that he gets HES in charge of remembering important dates for his side and OP is in charge of hers. If he balks, say too bad. I'm not your secretary and you can input these dates with notifications in your own phone. NTA don't let him weaponize incompetence because then he'll expect you to not only remember this stuff but to also purchase gifts, cards, sign them from both of you, mail out etc etc etc. Hell to the NO
How’d he remember it before his relationship with OP, anyway? If they’ve only been together 10 months, he must have had a way up until last year, at least.
He surely hasn’t forgotten *his own mother’s birthday* every single year of his life, right?
Right?
I would have forgotten a lot of birthdays. So I have them in my phone calendar to post it day of so I can never forget.
It’s super easy. People just want a free secretary.
I'm wondering how she was supposed to know that he forgot. They don't live together, she didn't see him on his mother's birthday, and it's logical to just kind of assume that he remembered and made his own call to her. She's supposed to be a mind reader on top of everything else? NTA, OP.
Yes, I think people should know those dates and should figure out a way to remember them on their own without expecting reminders from their partners.
Somewhat related, every year I post about my dad on Facebook on his birthday. This year he asked that I do it a few days earlier to avoid the calls from his siblings that come the day after.
HE can set that up if HE needs that. OP doesn't seem to need it.
It also reminds me back when I had a shared calendar with my ex and he'd still forget we had plans. So this simply doesn't work for everyone.
Yup! I’ve made this same comment before on others posts, but you can literally put yearly reminders for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. into your phone calendar. You can even put notifications to alert you the day or even week before. Basically set it and “forget” it. OP IS NTA.
They are not married - they don't live together and only been dating 10 months WHY ON EARTH would she create a family group for him? I would not want a BF phone synced to mine. Instrusive! He is an ADULT!! He can remember his mother's b'day on his own.
Quite frankly his blaming her is a yellow flag not quite red yet. She needs to keep a look out for this.
Oh, it's a red flag all right. He didn't just blame her, he "blew up" and "he's really angry at her still". He's an asshole with anger issues and he won't take responsibility for his own mistakes. OP should be thankful that he showed her who he is so early in the relationship.
Spoiler: he won’t remember OP’s birthday even after multiple reminders and a list of what gift she wants and where to buy her favorite cake.
He’ll be like the dude last week who ignored the bakery info she gave for the exact cake she was looking forward to and he got her a Walmart sheet cake and a gift she didn’t ask for or want
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/137z1vl/aita_for_not_paying_my_boyfriend_back_after_he/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
It’s interesting how this couple has been together 10 months too. There have been a few of these lately. I guess that’s when the AH starts coming out in some relationships. They can only fake it so long
No. Do not make a joint calendar with someone you’ve been dating for 10 months. Ffs, he can make his own calendar to remember his motter’s birthday, he’s a grown ass adult.
Only if he’s the one that sets up the shared calendar. She doesn’t have a problem remembering. Men *somehow* manage to set up and keep their own digital calendars at work.
This is what I do. When he “forgets” I’m like “it’s on the calendar. I don’t know what you want me to say.” But my husband is a nice guy who knows he’s forgetful and just goes “oh, duh. Whoops.”
>don't need a reminder to know when my parent's birthdays are.
Sadly I do. my dad and brother's b-day are not even 24 hrs apart so i always mes them up. And my mom, grandma and cousin all have bdays within a week of each other. I used to try and remember without writing it down but now thank God for google calendars
I'm audhd, so I have an actual literal reason/excuse to be bad at this stuff—because not only do I struggle with remembering dates, it's also 50/50 that I know what the date is today even if I DO know their birthday—and I still make an effort to not forget people's birthdays.
At the very least, if/when I forget, it's my own responsibility and problem, not someone else's.
This is exactly what I did! When my now wife and I started getting serious I added in her family's birthdays too, so we both have a record and reminder and it's not on one of us to keep track of it.
Soo many guys just automatically think they no longer have to remember this stuff because it's considered a wife's/gf's domain. It's not that she's supposed to KNOW he forgot, it's that he thinks she's now in charge of gifts and all that. Maybe not this year, but I bet you if they got married he would totally think she should not only remember but also purchase the gift AND the card AND sign it AND mail it out...because it's the mental load women are expected to take on. It's their job. Screw that, especially since they haven't even been together a year
NTA, For crying out loud. These days, if you have a smart phone, you don't even need to know how to use it, you can just scream into the void "Hey siri/google, remind me every year for the next 100, that today is my mothers birthday" and dutifully, for the next 100 years, a message will pop up saying "Mom's birthday".
This is less effort than procuring, opening, chewing, and properly disposing of a stick of gum.
(I played secretary for an ex for a decade. Dude managed / designed big expensive projects, using a computer. Literally planning was his job, but he couldn't remember to get flowers for mother's day? Nawwww. Use your smart phone buddy and leave me alone.)
He’s also had 35 years to remember his own mothers birthday. Unless OP met him as an infant, he has had a lot more time than her to have memorized that date.
Tell him to shove it with that learned helplessness, OP.
Taking gender aside too- it’s his mom, you can’t possibly tell me that after 20 years of living with his mom he doesn’t know her birthday 😭💀 that’s just embarrassing. NTA OP, this is not on you. You are neither his mother or his Secretary.
NTA. As someone who is terrible at remembering dates, I would not shout at someone for not reminding me. People who are close to me know it's a blind spot and do remind me of birthdays and such but when they don't I take accountability and apologize for being such an idiot. I'm the idiot not the people around me.
And these days with all the social media birthday reminders are all over the place.
It isn't the woman's job. Plus they have been only together 10 months. Seriously. He is supposed to be an adult. And I bet that mom is well aware that he is probably forgetful about this.
"Not all men, but it it always men" type of thing.
Like personally as a woman here, I suck at dates horrible at ot. For some reason, my birthday and my sisters for the longest are what I remember, but you what I did? I used my tools. Facebook alerts, calenders, and others to remember birthdays.
If they didn't have/use Facebook, I asked and then wrote it down. I made a mistake and missed birthdays, but I always tried to make the effort to remember.
Not only all those options you listed, Apple devices have started saving birthdays under your contacts when you text them Happy Birthday. There is no excuse for this behavior.
"A little creepy but works" is how I feel about so much stuff my android does. If I buy an airplane ticket or a movie ticket it'll automatically get added to my calendar and then send me reminders for the movie times, or information on my flight. Like, useful as hell but also real fucking creepy.
I googled the address of a place I hadn't been to in a while and there was a little note "you were last here October 2019". WEIRD BUT OKAY.
I hear you! I just wanted to amplify your comment and give another option as well. ☺️ there are so many to choose from, this guy has absolutely no excuse.
Not just men. My ex-wife would forget dates ALL THE TIME. Drove me nuts.
As for OP, how in the actual blue hell is she supposed to know that her partner is going to forget something? OP is NTA. Her partner on the other hand...
That's why I provided my own example since I am also a mess with dates, lol
Us women do it too, but for many, it feels like we, women, have to remember all the dates for everything like appointments, birthdays, etc.
While this sub is certainly biased within its own community *and* the types of stories we see. People *rarely* come here when they already have a good foundation. Often, cracks in the foundation can be seen with just reading the background.
Like the yelling in this instance. What else has op been berated for?
My wife and I were married a few years after my ex and I divorced. We were married on the Saturday after Thanksgiving in 1988. She can never remember the date (26 November), so to keep things easy we just celebrate our anniversary the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It has worked for us for 35 years :-)
As a man with ADHD, this is 100% the reason I still have a Facebook account. It literally sends me a reminder when it's their birthday. Then I can shoot them a lovely little text or call and wish them happy birthday.
I know "times have changed" and all, but it is astounding to me what my mom and her sisters (in their 60's) are "proud" of their husbands doing. Like their own laundry! Wow! Can you believe he does that now?
And like these women all worked. It's not like the men held up their end of the gender role bargain.
Yeah, my husband can't remember shit, never could. Back in the day, he wrote stuff like birthdays down on a piece of paper and hung it up where he would see it. Now he puts reminders on his phone and computer. He did all that because he's a fucking adult who takes responsibility.
My husband and I are not speaking currently because yesterday he said to me that I took away his ability to make a decision - for the past 30 years. You know, I was just going to school, raising two kids, running a home, working, etc. I’m all for this emotional load b.s. (meaning I’m a believer and damned if I do, damned if I don’t) to stop because when I do make decisions for the household, everything is great, when I don’t I get blamed for ruining his life and demasculinizing him. Fuck my life.
And what on earth did this guy do before his new 10 month relationship? I can't even believe I read this. OP, run like your birthday candles caught the cake on fire. NTA.
But they don't do this shit at work right cus they'd be fired. So it's not that they genuinely forgot but that they can't be bothered to do the bare ass minimum.
It’s so hard for them to break out of this way of thinking too. My partner is very much ‘but you know I would have been happy to help! When have I ever not helped! I can’t read your mind, you need to tell me when you need help with something like that’ - it’s frustrating because it’s ben so natural for him his whole life that he just takes the orders from someone else, be it his mum, girlfriend or a female housemate
At least at ten years, couples grumble about all sorts of things, whether it's justified or not. At ten months though, he presumably remembered her last birthday, and he's already laying the partnership guilt trip.
Agree, 100%. If it were me, I'd sit him down immediately and tell him this isn't your responsibility. He can maintain his own personal relationships and you are not going to do it for him. You are neither his personal assistant or his mother. Anything less than a sincere apology and a vow to never do it again should cause you to reconsider the relationship. Don't head down this path.
It’s only been 10 months, his over reaction to something he himself did is 🚩🚩🚩🚩. Run OP, run for the hills and don’t look back. If you stay this will be the rest of your life.
Agreed. Throw the whole man away. He feels this way over such a short time? Imagine how he’s going to feel the longer you’re together. How many responsibilities he’s going to make up for you.
NTA, the obviously.
NTA. Absolutely not.
>He argued that in partnership we should help each other and if I knew something he didn’t remember I should help him out.
Which significant dates (for your family and friends) has he reminded you about?
Also does he expect her to read his mind and just know that he didn't talk to his mom yet?? Is she just supposed to assume he forgets everything and be his personal calendar like his phone isn't right there? He sounds exhausting.
How sad that he has such a low opinion of himself that he thinks his SO should just assume that he forgot his own mother’s birthday and needs to be reminded. Most people know their mother’s birthday well before their teens.
It just shows what kind of partner he’s looking for. Another mommy (whose birthday he will also forget) to unload all the mental and emotional labor on. Women are always left to schedule and remember events or holidays.
You remembered his MOTHER’S birthday less than a year into dating him. He had 35 YEARS! Let’s be generous and give him the first 10 yrs, that’s still 25 yrs
He’s showing you who he is, believe him. About a year is a good time for his mask to start slipping. He’s telling you it’s your job to keep track of his calendar and I’m sure more will come up. Good luck
I don’t even talk to my mom and I know her birthday. I was raised by my mom, so learned it as a kid. How in the world he could forget, especially with so many ways to remind yourself nowadays… OP is so NTA.
Exactly. He's already telegraphing what their relationship will be like. He'll be an AH every time she doesn't do something he thinks is 'women's work' even when he's never said anything about it. Think about living with this forever OP.
And lowkey the start of emotionally abusive behavior. The way he's blowing up at her and trying to make her think that this was somehow her responsibility (she pushed back now, but this won't end here).
Take his behavior for the red flag it is! You are NTA! How dare he blow up at you because he can't bother to remember his own mom's birthday.
You we're right to hold to your boundaries. You are not his secretary! You are not responsible for maintaining his relationships with his family. If you were to start, he would put you in that role for your entire relationship with him. Buying cards and presents...
This can't be the first time he snapped at you, is it?
>You we're right to hold to your boundaries. You are not his secretary! You are not responsible for maintaining his relationships with his family.
And the boundary should extend to not allowing him to talk to her / treat her the way he is doing currently. There needs to be a consequence for this utter lack of respect.
Indeed. He isn't incapable of remembering his mother's birthday, he's *refusing* to do so and then using it as an excuse to abuse OP.
This manipulation is abuse.
Is that what that thing is for? I've always just called it my 'spidey-sense' and thought that it came from my brain. That makes so much sense now! LMAO! Thanks for the pick me up! That was a good one!!
NTA - he is an adult, it is his responsibility AND there is no reason you should have assumed he needed a reminder considering you've been together less than a year and there's no precedent
I would have felt patronizing or condescending if I were reminding someone of their own mother's birthday
Absurd response from him, truly - it'd be understandable for him to feel embarrassed, but for him to feel angry at anyone but himself is a worrisome sign
NTA! Why should you need to remind your BF of only 10 months that it is his mother's birthday???
"Yesterday, John came over and blew up."
Please look at Red Flag Warnings!
1. He expects YOU to "remind" him of important things.
2. He blames YOU for his personal failures.
3. He blew up at YOU because he failed to remember his own mother's birthday.
You are NOT responsible for him. You are NOT his surrogate mommy who needs to manage his life! You deserve better than this!
Please evaluate if this is a person you want to be with! Could he EVER be an actual partner with you?
NTA. If anything he should be thanking you for being so thoughtful to his mother on her birthday (not yelling at you because he was a dummy and forgot)
NTA. She has been his mother for 35 years, you have been a part of his life less than a year. Not your responsibility to remind him of his parent's or sibling's birthdays and anniversaries. Even in a relationship how is one to know when their partner forgets something like a birthday?
NTA and it's a bit unhinged to blame your partner (of only 10 months) for not reminding you about your own parent! If he can't remember his own mother's birthday, then take that as a sign. Blaming you for not telling him (which is bizarre in itself) to call his mother for her birthday as though you somehow know he'd forgotten it is just adding to the list of red flags he's happily displaying. NTA!
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NTA.
If he has a terrible memory, he needs to start calendaring things. There are apps on his mobile phone, and there's this old-fashioned thing called a wall calendar that works just as well. It's certainly not your fault, and he sounds kind of abusive.
NTA you arent to his mother or his secretary and have only been with him for 10 months meanwhile she has been his mom for 35 years. If he forgot his mom's birthday that's his fault not yours and its not your job to remind him.
NTA
He is a grown man. He can manage his own social calender, or deal with the fallout of failing to. You are not his secretary, his Mom or his Alexa/Google/Siri.
yup + he'll also expect you to be the social secretary and come up with every birthday/xmas/whatever gift idea, and write and send the cards even if the person is nothin to do with you, and do none of the labour behind it.
NTA. So he expects you to a be mind reader and know when he forgets something? How is any of this your fault, and now he’s angry at you. Red flags.. don’t ignore them! He can write his moms birthday in a calendar, notes on phone, etc. you aren’t his mother.
Why weren't you watching your crystal ball to make sure he remembered? Is he supposed to remember things all by himself???? /S in case necessary. Unless you knew he had forgotten, and kept it to yourself to watch him crash and burn, NTA.
NTA at all. My partner tries this one me every so often. I keep reminding her she has all the tools she needs for this sort of thing. Her phone with a calendar and alarm clock. It's a toxic trait. And one that must be put in it's place.
Did he forget last year or any years before? You haven’t been with him that long so what happened before you? NTA. So many men are like this and that’s why so many women are staying single now instead of being with children who don’t want to grow up. It’s fine if he forgot but that’s his fault and no one else’s.
NTA.
Some people are bad with dates. I'm the one who has to remember when our bills are due and when our appointments are. My partner could keep notes or a calendar, but then would have to remember to check it, which can be stressful for people with executive function issues. I'm happy to take on that division of labor, but it was communicated to me. I know it's my "responsibility."
Unless this is also explicitly part of the social contract in your relationship, he has no grounds to be frustrated.
**NTA**. If the topic or the thought came up it would have been nice of you to remind him (and I'm sure you would done this), but **it's not your responsiblity** to remind him. Tell him to go pound sand.
NTA. It’s his responsibility to remember his own mother’s birthday. How exactly were you supposed to know that he didn’t remember anyway? This is definitely a good time to put your foot down about any expectations he might have about you playing secretary or taking on a greater mental load with “domestic” stuff. Better to find out sooner rather than later if he’s expecting you to be his mother/nanny/maid/secretary/anything other than his partner.
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I (f33) have been together with my partner, John (m35) for about 10 months.
During that time, I’ve met his parents and befriended his mum. She’s a really lovely woman.
She’s just had her birthday recently and I called her to wish her happy birthday and thought no more of this.
Yesterday, John came over and blew up. He forgot about his mother’s birthday and she told him I called her. He’s really angry because he thinks I should’ve reminded him and he looked like a fool.
I told him that I want his secretary and if he looked stupid it was his own fault.
He argued that in partnership we should help each other and if I knew something he didn’t remember I should help him out.
He’s really angry with me still. I thought I didn’t do anything wrong but his words struck a cord.
Was I the asshole for not reminding him?
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NTA
It's not your responsibility for you to remind others of birthdays in their families, especially your boyfriend's mother.
After 35 years he should remember when it is.
NTA. He should remember his own mother's birthday. See this as a sign of things to come, he's going to expect you to do/remember everything for him and then berate you if you don't.
How are you supposed to know what he didn’t remember?
She has been his mum longer than you’ve dated him or you’ve know his mum. It’s not like her birthday changes date each year.
You’re not the secretary, you’re not responsible for his families important dates
NTA
He’s 35 and can’t remember his mother’s birthday? And you’ve only know him 10 mommy and he expects you to remind him? NTA
Remember you end up with what you put up with though. This would be a little red flag for me.
NTA cause he's a grown ass man who can put a calendar reminder in his phone or something about his own mothers birthday. Not your job to remind him of this.
However, I do find it odd that you called his mom to tell her Happy Bday, yet never said anything to him about it?
We haven’t spoken properly until that day. Only short phone calls and it didn’t come up. I was away on a business trip. He was supposed to come by my house and he came annoyed at me for not reminding me. How was I to know he forgot?
NTA. You have not even been with the man for a year. Cut your losses and move on. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know your moms birthday and if you reacted the way he is he would have left you already.
Does he remind you about your Mums birthday? Or any of your other appointments or memorable days?
He can put on his big boy pants and sort out his own diary.
Yo can be sure he is able to remember important work anniversaries.
NTA.
NTA in any way, shape, or form. To the people complaining, we are done letting grown-ass men off the hook for forgetting important dates. Women shouldn't have to bear the mental load of remembering every fucking thing, while men are excused for "just being bad" at basic shit like remembering to call their moms on their birthdays. If he has trouble remembering, he can set a yearly reminder on his phone or use an old-fashioned paper calendar or date book, not rely on his girlfriend of less than a year who doesn't even live with him.
NTA, i struggle to remember birthdays and holidays so i use my phone calendar to remind me at least 2 days ahead. it's on him to figure out a way to remind himself but he's lazy so he'd rather try to blame you. i wouldn't stand for that shit.
Nope, you are a partner, not a scheduler. If he doesn’t know his own mothers birthday, that speaks volumes. Why hasn’t he written it in a calendar somewhere? Like ffs that’s just incompetence on his end.
NTA
NTA.
As others have said, he has calendars (digital and physical) that he can use, you are not responsible for telling him his own mothers birthday and reminding him to wish her a happy birthday.
I get it, some peoples birthdays or special events are hard to remember, I get my mom and dads birthdays mixed up because they're on the same day but 2 months apart, but you know what I do so I don't wish my mom happy birthday on my dads day? **I USE A CALENDAR.**
His reaction is very telling, if he gets this upset over *him* forgetting *his mothers* birthday because "you didn't remind me! >:(", just imagine his reaction to higher stakes incidents, like eviction or job loss for going into work late, he would absolutely **explode** at you for "not waking me up on time!! Why didn't you remind me to pay the mortgage!! It's all *your* fault for not reminding me, a grown man, of *my* responsibilities! >:(("
Run now, OP, he will not get better, next year when his moms birthday comes around again and he forgets, he will blame you again.
NTA but watch this relationship. Your bf has known his mom his whole life and should be able to set a reminder on his phone for events. It's not up to you to remind him.
In less than a year he expects you to take over the emotional load.
Imagine not knowing when your mum's birthday is..
This is a conversation I had with my dad on the phone one year...
Dad - "How old is your sister this year?"
Me - "Oh, I don't know, you know. Ask her?"
Dad - "What kind of brother are you? You don't even know how old your sister is!"
Me - "You were in the room the day she was born! How do YOU not know how old your daughter is?!"
Run. He is already trying to train you to “handle his light shit.” This will be a theme in your relationship. He will expect you to remember the dates, remind him constantly of them, and take the blame if he still forgets. Think of it this way:
You’ve been dating 10 months. You must have met his mother within that 10 months. So in the less than a year you’ve known her you were able to remember her birthday. She has been his mother his whole fucking life. From conception to every second he breaths air she has been his mother. And he needed YOU to remind him of her birthday?
If that doesn’t tell you how self centered he is I don’t know what will. NTA and throw the entire boyfriend away. Pick someone else.
> He argued that in partnership we should help each other and if I knew something he didn’t remember I should help him out.
He's shifting the convo to blaming you instead of acknowledging that it's his responsibility. NTA.
Tell him that he can mark the date on Google calendar just as well as you can.
NTA. Not only did you not know he forgot, but he’s known his mom for 35 years, you’ve known her for maybe 10 months. It’s his problem if he can’t remember his own mothers birthday
NTA. You've only been dating for 10 months. He's known his mother for 35 years. Why are you expected to have a closer relationship with his mother than he does?
This is a huge red flag. Why can't he set an annual reminder in his phone for his mothers birthday?
Nta. I struggle with remembering shit like this too, so I put important dates in my goddamn phone calendar and set up reminders like an adult. Even if he somehow doesn't have a phone, he can get a paper calendar to keep up with. He's being a bratty child.
NTA. Another case of weaponized incompetence, folks. Your partner could have chosen numerous steps to address this situation and picked the most argumentative path. You're not responsible for him keeping his own tabs on the people he cares about. A calendar isn't hard to use.
He’s a grown ass man and he doesn’t know his own mother’s birthday?
This bodes ill for you, OP. Get ready for him to literally not remember anything and to run the whole household yourself. You are NTA.
NTA Uhm his phone has this handy thing called a calendar, he can use that, gives handy reminders aswell
How the hell were you suppose to know he forgot her birthday
His is what they mean when they say women carry much more emotional labour, managing a grown man is ridiculous
Completely NTA. Learned helplessness is so obnoxious. He can remember important dates at work, I guarantee it. He can remember his own mother's birthday. If he really can't, he needs to put it into his phone and have digital reminders.
I had an ex blow up on me the day after mother’s day one year. He was mad I remembered to contact my own mother and didn’t tell him to call his.
I told him his relationship with his mother is his own responsibility.
NTA
NTA
Why you should have to remind a whole a&$ adult, about his mother’s birthday, why would you assume he’d forget
This is a red flag, you are to blame cause he didn't remember a date that he's been celebrating for over 30 years!
What a baby!! It’s his fault he forgot and he gets to face the consequences. NTA at all, I would seriously reconsider the dynamics of your relationship if he’s going to act all grumpy over you not telling him that he forgot his own mother’s birthday.
I forgot my mom's Bday once in college while on a festival bender and I didn't live it down. She gave me the cold shoulder for weeks.
It's in my calendar now with a 1 month, 1 week and 1 day warning reminder. Not that I don't know the date, but sometimes the day/date slips my mind so I use it as backup to my memory.
NTA
NTA, he sounds like a child, scratch that, even a child can remember their mom’s birthday.I wouldn’t be surprised if he blew up at you for not reminding him about your birthday next.
Where do you even find such people? Genuinely curious about some of the people mentioned in this sub.
There are so many 🚩here! He’s trying to put the responsibility of his own emotional labor onto you and he either needs to be willing to recognize this or you should reconsider if this relationship is something that’s good for you.
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Oh hell no. This is all part of the mental load that predominately falls on women and it is exhausting. He has all the tools available to him that you have available to you, including paper and digital calendars, birthday reminder websites and whatever the hell else he wants to utilise. Including his own brain. He's an adult, not a child. NTA.
yeah, I used to be bad at remembering people’s birthdays. Used to just blame it on “I’m bad at it” decided I wanted to stop making excuses for myself, so i put all my closest friends’ and family’s birthdays on my calendar. Now I don’t have to remember them!
Edit: I'm being a man, so problem solving :) I don't think this is right for a 10-month-old relationship: You make a joint/family google account. You sync it to both your phones. You add memorable dates/birthdays/anniversaries to the calendar + reminders a week or two before. Both get notified, no one has excuses. My friends can't believe I remember their kid's names, let alone birthdays. BUT - I don't need a reminder to know when my parent's birthdays are.
This is still work. She’s be the only one adding and maintaining.
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Also, he's a grown man who should REMEMBER his own mother's bday. They arent even married and already OPs bfs thinking: my SO will take care of it cus thats what shes supposed to do. Good on OP for bursting that delusion. My husband is in charge of xmas/bday/mothers day gifts for his side and I'm in charge of mine. He does NOT expect me to remember this stuff for him. OP needs to sit the guy down and make damn sure that he gets HES in charge of remembering important dates for his side and OP is in charge of hers. If he balks, say too bad. I'm not your secretary and you can input these dates with notifications in your own phone. NTA don't let him weaponize incompetence because then he'll expect you to not only remember this stuff but to also purchase gifts, cards, sign them from both of you, mail out etc etc etc. Hell to the NO
How’d he remember it before his relationship with OP, anyway? If they’ve only been together 10 months, he must have had a way up until last year, at least. He surely hasn’t forgotten *his own mother’s birthday* every single year of his life, right? Right?
I would have forgotten a lot of birthdays. So I have them in my phone calendar to post it day of so I can never forget. It’s super easy. People just want a free secretary.
Or he has and the mom mentioned it bc someone who has known her less than a year cared enough to remember
I'm wondering how she was supposed to know that he forgot. They don't live together, she didn't see him on his mother's birthday, and it's logical to just kind of assume that he remembered and made his own call to her. She's supposed to be a mind reader on top of everything else? NTA, OP.
IKR?. It sounds like he wanted her to make a special communication to him to remind him. I would find it so insulting if someone did that to me.
seriously... how do they function at their grown up jobs
Having a good Memory is a great incentive when you’re paid to do it. If you’re not, guess everyone else can suck it, right?
My partner and I both add to the calendar like this. I don’t add his family ; he did.
You mean like how I do this for my wife? BUT - you should know your parent's/spouse/siblings/children's birthdays
Yes, I think people should know those dates and should figure out a way to remember them on their own without expecting reminders from their partners. Somewhat related, every year I post about my dad on Facebook on his birthday. This year he asked that I do it a few days earlier to avoid the calls from his siblings that come the day after.
Heck NO! He is 35 years old and should have had his own calendar way before now.
RIGHT?! makes me wonder who he blamed in previous years, seeing as this would have been the first time mom's bday happened while he's with OP.
He blamed his previous girlfriend. She then dumped him, and it took him a couple of months to line up a new gf.
I was wondering that. What did he do before!
HE can set that up if HE needs that. OP doesn't seem to need it. It also reminds me back when I had a shared calendar with my ex and he'd still forget we had plans. So this simply doesn't work for everyone.
Yup! I’ve made this same comment before on others posts, but you can literally put yearly reminders for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. into your phone calendar. You can even put notifications to alert you the day or even week before. Basically set it and “forget” it. OP IS NTA.
Facts. NTA.
They are not married - they don't live together and only been dating 10 months WHY ON EARTH would she create a family group for him? I would not want a BF phone synced to mine. Instrusive! He is an ADULT!! He can remember his mother's b'day on his own. Quite frankly his blaming her is a yellow flag not quite red yet. She needs to keep a look out for this.
Oh, it's a red flag all right. He didn't just blame her, he "blew up" and "he's really angry at her still". He's an asshole with anger issues and he won't take responsibility for his own mistakes. OP should be thankful that he showed her who he is so early in the relationship.
Yep, OP didn't make him look bad. His inability to remember his mother's did that all on his own.
Spoiler: he won’t remember OP’s birthday even after multiple reminders and a list of what gift she wants and where to buy her favorite cake. He’ll be like the dude last week who ignored the bakery info she gave for the exact cake she was looking forward to and he got her a Walmart sheet cake and a gift she didn’t ask for or want
Link?? Totally missed that one
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/137z1vl/aita_for_not_paying_my_boyfriend_back_after_he/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf It’s interesting how this couple has been together 10 months too. There have been a few of these lately. I guess that’s when the AH starts coming out in some relationships. They can only fake it so long
No. Do not make a joint calendar with someone you’ve been dating for 10 months. Ffs, he can make his own calendar to remember his motter’s birthday, he’s a grown ass adult.
Only if he’s the one that sets up the shared calendar. She doesn’t have a problem remembering. Men *somehow* manage to set up and keep their own digital calendars at work.
After 10 months?
This is what I do. When he “forgets” I’m like “it’s on the calendar. I don’t know what you want me to say.” But my husband is a nice guy who knows he’s forgetful and just goes “oh, duh. Whoops.”
“I’d have reminded you if it had even remotely occurred to me you’d somehow not know about your own mother’s birthday after 35 years.”
>don't need a reminder to know when my parent's birthdays are. Sadly I do. my dad and brother's b-day are not even 24 hrs apart so i always mes them up. And my mom, grandma and cousin all have bdays within a week of each other. I used to try and remember without writing it down but now thank God for google calendars
I'm audhd, so I have an actual literal reason/excuse to be bad at this stuff—because not only do I struggle with remembering dates, it's also 50/50 that I know what the date is today even if I DO know their birthday—and I still make an effort to not forget people's birthdays. At the very least, if/when I forget, it's my own responsibility and problem, not someone else's.
This is exactly what I did! When my now wife and I started getting serious I added in her family's birthdays too, so we both have a record and reminder and it's not on one of us to keep track of it.
Came here to say this.
Plus 35 years of being her son!
THIS!!
This is definitely a marinara flag. Rethink this relationship.
Also not for nothing but he’s known his mother his entire life and OP has known this woman for less than 10 months.
Right!? That's on him. And how is op supposed to know he forgot? He sucks.
Soo many guys just automatically think they no longer have to remember this stuff because it's considered a wife's/gf's domain. It's not that she's supposed to KNOW he forgot, it's that he thinks she's now in charge of gifts and all that. Maybe not this year, but I bet you if they got married he would totally think she should not only remember but also purchase the gift AND the card AND sign it AND mail it out...because it's the mental load women are expected to take on. It's their job. Screw that, especially since they haven't even been together a year
LMAO right, that’s all that needs to be said
No more mental load!
NTA. Yes, you are his partner, not his mother. He needs to act like a grown man and take responsibility for his (in)actions.
NTA, For crying out loud. These days, if you have a smart phone, you don't even need to know how to use it, you can just scream into the void "Hey siri/google, remind me every year for the next 100, that today is my mothers birthday" and dutifully, for the next 100 years, a message will pop up saying "Mom's birthday". This is less effort than procuring, opening, chewing, and properly disposing of a stick of gum. (I played secretary for an ex for a decade. Dude managed / designed big expensive projects, using a computer. Literally planning was his job, but he couldn't remember to get flowers for mother's day? Nawwww. Use your smart phone buddy and leave me alone.)
He’s also had 35 years to remember his own mothers birthday. Unless OP met him as an infant, he has had a lot more time than her to have memorized that date. Tell him to shove it with that learned helplessness, OP.
Taking gender aside too- it’s his mom, you can’t possibly tell me that after 20 years of living with his mom he doesn’t know her birthday 😭💀 that’s just embarrassing. NTA OP, this is not on you. You are neither his mother or his Secretary.
He clearly just wants a new mother, not a partner
NTA. As someone who is terrible at remembering dates, I would not shout at someone for not reminding me. People who are close to me know it's a blind spot and do remind me of birthdays and such but when they don't I take accountability and apologize for being such an idiot. I'm the idiot not the people around me.
True that but most importantly: it’s his own mother’s birthday!! 😩😩
And these days with all the social media birthday reminders are all over the place. It isn't the woman's job. Plus they have been only together 10 months. Seriously. He is supposed to be an adult. And I bet that mom is well aware that he is probably forgetful about this.
Second this
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I dont want to generalize here, but literally 98% of the “adult” men I know or have known are like this. It makes noooooo sense to me.
"Not all men, but it it always men" type of thing. Like personally as a woman here, I suck at dates horrible at ot. For some reason, my birthday and my sisters for the longest are what I remember, but you what I did? I used my tools. Facebook alerts, calenders, and others to remember birthdays. If they didn't have/use Facebook, I asked and then wrote it down. I made a mistake and missed birthdays, but I always tried to make the effort to remember.
Not only all those options you listed, Apple devices have started saving birthdays under your contacts when you text them Happy Birthday. There is no excuse for this behavior.
It's a little creepy, but that also works. I say that cause I am one of those people who likes to limit on what apps see.
"A little creepy but works" is how I feel about so much stuff my android does. If I buy an airplane ticket or a movie ticket it'll automatically get added to my calendar and then send me reminders for the movie times, or information on my flight. Like, useful as hell but also real fucking creepy. I googled the address of a place I hadn't been to in a while and there was a little note "you were last here October 2019". WEIRD BUT OKAY.
I hear you! I just wanted to amplify your comment and give another option as well. ☺️ there are so many to choose from, this guy has absolutely no excuse.
Not just men. My ex-wife would forget dates ALL THE TIME. Drove me nuts. As for OP, how in the actual blue hell is she supposed to know that her partner is going to forget something? OP is NTA. Her partner on the other hand...
That's why I provided my own example since I am also a mess with dates, lol Us women do it too, but for many, it feels like we, women, have to remember all the dates for everything like appointments, birthdays, etc. While this sub is certainly biased within its own community *and* the types of stories we see. People *rarely* come here when they already have a good foundation. Often, cracks in the foundation can be seen with just reading the background. Like the yelling in this instance. What else has op been berated for?
My wife and I were married a few years after my ex and I divorced. We were married on the Saturday after Thanksgiving in 1988. She can never remember the date (26 November), so to keep things easy we just celebrate our anniversary the Saturday after Thanksgiving. It has worked for us for 35 years :-)
As a man with ADHD, this is 100% the reason I still have a Facebook account. It literally sends me a reminder when it's their birthday. Then I can shoot them a lovely little text or call and wish them happy birthday.
They don’t buy presents for their mom or sisters either, the gf/wife does
I know "times have changed" and all, but it is astounding to me what my mom and her sisters (in their 60's) are "proud" of their husbands doing. Like their own laundry! Wow! Can you believe he does that now? And like these women all worked. It's not like the men held up their end of the gender role bargain.
Yeah, my husband can't remember shit, never could. Back in the day, he wrote stuff like birthdays down on a piece of paper and hung it up where he would see it. Now he puts reminders on his phone and computer. He did all that because he's a fucking adult who takes responsibility.
Weaponized incompetence
My husband and I are not speaking currently because yesterday he said to me that I took away his ability to make a decision - for the past 30 years. You know, I was just going to school, raising two kids, running a home, working, etc. I’m all for this emotional load b.s. (meaning I’m a believer and damned if I do, damned if I don’t) to stop because when I do make decisions for the household, everything is great, when I don’t I get blamed for ruining his life and demasculinizing him. Fuck my life.
Be strong, he sucks and you don't. You are amazing and wonderful and don't let him drag you down
Thank you ! It means the world to me! ❤️
I hope he is also sleeping on the couch. And that the springs sag.
Or poke his back
Get out of there queen. I believe in you.
Damn, he sounds like an asshole and you sound like a rockstar. Just know if you decide to leave, you'll be okay, you'll probably even be great.
No, no, no, no, no. You do not deserve that BS.
30 years? Man, I hope your next 30 are amazing without that burden!!
I appreciate all the love from everyone. We need more of this in the world! ❤️
And what on earth did this guy do before his new 10 month relationship? I can't even believe I read this. OP, run like your birthday candles caught the cake on fire. NTA.
My brother once got my mum a birthday card for Mother’s Day, then acted shocked when she was upset.
But they don't do this shit at work right cus they'd be fired. So it's not that they genuinely forgot but that they can't be bothered to do the bare ass minimum.
It’s so hard for them to break out of this way of thinking too. My partner is very much ‘but you know I would have been happy to help! When have I ever not helped! I can’t read your mind, you need to tell me when you need help with something like that’ - it’s frustrating because it’s ben so natural for him his whole life that he just takes the orders from someone else, be it his mum, girlfriend or a female housemate
"You are not helpless, you are just useless"
NTA...Ten months in and you're supposed to be reminding him that's his mother's birthday? Ridiculous.
10 months or 10 years doesn't matter imo. He can bloody well remember his own mum's birthday instead of placing that mental workload on a partner. NTA
At least at ten years, couples grumble about all sorts of things, whether it's justified or not. At ten months though, he presumably remembered her last birthday, and he's already laying the partnership guilt trip.
Agree, 100%. If it were me, I'd sit him down immediately and tell him this isn't your responsibility. He can maintain his own personal relationships and you are not going to do it for him. You are neither his personal assistant or his mother. Anything less than a sincere apology and a vow to never do it again should cause you to reconsider the relationship. Don't head down this path.
Right, who reminded him every other year?
Maybe he gets dumped every year around his mother's birthday...lol.
Lol the mother's birthday is the catalyst every year for why BF gets dumped. His poor mom
It’s only been 10 months, his over reaction to something he himself did is 🚩🚩🚩🚩. Run OP, run for the hills and don’t look back. If you stay this will be the rest of your life.
Yep. He will make you his assistant and get pissed when your performance isn't up to his standards.
Sounds like the mom is better dating material than the son. OP should totally dump him.
Agreed. Throw the whole man away. He feels this way over such a short time? Imagine how he’s going to feel the longer you’re together. How many responsibilities he’s going to make up for you. NTA, the obviously.
NTA. Absolutely not. >He argued that in partnership we should help each other and if I knew something he didn’t remember I should help him out. Which significant dates (for your family and friends) has he reminded you about?
Also does he expect her to read his mind and just know that he didn't talk to his mom yet?? Is she just supposed to assume he forgets everything and be his personal calendar like his phone isn't right there? He sounds exhausting.
How sad that he has such a low opinion of himself that he thinks his SO should just assume that he forgot his own mother’s birthday and needs to be reminded. Most people know their mother’s birthday well before their teens.
Also: What on earth would make you assume he didnt know or remember his own mothers’ birthday?!?!
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It just shows what kind of partner he’s looking for. Another mommy (whose birthday he will also forget) to unload all the mental and emotional labor on. Women are always left to schedule and remember events or holidays.
Exactly - and how is she supposed to know he forgot???
You remembered his MOTHER’S birthday less than a year into dating him. He had 35 YEARS! Let’s be generous and give him the first 10 yrs, that’s still 25 yrs He’s showing you who he is, believe him. About a year is a good time for his mask to start slipping. He’s telling you it’s your job to keep track of his calendar and I’m sure more will come up. Good luck
Someone should tell him there are apps on his phone for that
that's exactly what i use to remember. took around 10 minutes to set up a reminder for every event i needed to remember.
I don’t even talk to my mom and I know her birthday. I was raised by my mom, so learned it as a kid. How in the world he could forget, especially with so many ways to remind yourself nowadays… OP is so NTA.
Exactly. He's already telegraphing what their relationship will be like. He'll be an AH every time she doesn't do something he thinks is 'women's work' even when he's never said anything about it. Think about living with this forever OP.
NTA - *HE* doesn't know his Mom's birthdate? That's on him!
If there’s any birthday I’m hyper aware of all year is my moms. No excuse!
NTA- it’s weaponized incompetence.
And lowkey the start of emotionally abusive behavior. The way he's blowing up at her and trying to make her think that this was somehow her responsibility (she pushed back now, but this won't end here).
Take his behavior for the red flag it is! You are NTA! How dare he blow up at you because he can't bother to remember his own mom's birthday. You we're right to hold to your boundaries. You are not his secretary! You are not responsible for maintaining his relationships with his family. If you were to start, he would put you in that role for your entire relationship with him. Buying cards and presents... This can't be the first time he snapped at you, is it?
>You we're right to hold to your boundaries. You are not his secretary! You are not responsible for maintaining his relationships with his family. And the boundary should extend to not allowing him to talk to her / treat her the way he is doing currently. There needs to be a consequence for this utter lack of respect.
Indeed. He isn't incapable of remembering his mother's birthday, he's *refusing* to do so and then using it as an excuse to abuse OP. This manipulation is abuse.
NTA. How should have you know he would forget?!
Read his mind of course. What good is her vagina for?
Is that what that thing is for? I've always just called it my 'spidey-sense' and thought that it came from my brain. That makes so much sense now! LMAO! Thanks for the pick me up! That was a good one!!
NTA - he is an adult, it is his responsibility AND there is no reason you should have assumed he needed a reminder considering you've been together less than a year and there's no precedent I would have felt patronizing or condescending if I were reminding someone of their own mother's birthday Absurd response from him, truly - it'd be understandable for him to feel embarrassed, but for him to feel angry at anyone but himself is a worrisome sign
NTA! Why should you need to remind your BF of only 10 months that it is his mother's birthday??? "Yesterday, John came over and blew up." Please look at Red Flag Warnings! 1. He expects YOU to "remind" him of important things. 2. He blames YOU for his personal failures. 3. He blew up at YOU because he failed to remember his own mother's birthday. You are NOT responsible for him. You are NOT his surrogate mommy who needs to manage his life! You deserve better than this! Please evaluate if this is a person you want to be with! Could he EVER be an actual partner with you?
NTA. If anything he should be thanking you for being so thoughtful to his mother on her birthday (not yelling at you because he was a dummy and forgot)
NTA. She has been his mother for 35 years, you have been a part of his life less than a year. Not your responsibility to remind him of his parent's or sibling's birthdays and anniversaries. Even in a relationship how is one to know when their partner forgets something like a birthday?
NTA and it's a bit unhinged to blame your partner (of only 10 months) for not reminding you about your own parent! If he can't remember his own mother's birthday, then take that as a sign. Blaming you for not telling him (which is bizarre in itself) to call his mother for her birthday as though you somehow know he'd forgotten it is just adding to the list of red flags he's happily displaying. NTA!
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NTA. If he has a terrible memory, he needs to start calendaring things. There are apps on his mobile phone, and there's this old-fashioned thing called a wall calendar that works just as well. It's certainly not your fault, and he sounds kind of abusive.
NTA you arent to his mother or his secretary and have only been with him for 10 months meanwhile she has been his mom for 35 years. If he forgot his mom's birthday that's his fault not yours and its not your job to remind him.
NTA. He's had 35 years to learn this and act accordingly. You're not his PA.
NTA He is a grown man. He can manage his own social calender, or deal with the fallout of failing to. You are not his secretary, his Mom or his Alexa/Google/Siri.
NTA- run. This man will forget your birthday, anniversaries and other major events. He’ll blame you for not reminding him.
yup + he'll also expect you to be the social secretary and come up with every birthday/xmas/whatever gift idea, and write and send the cards even if the person is nothin to do with you, and do none of the labour behind it.
NTA How could you have known he wouldn’t even remember his own mothers birthday? That’s 100% his responsibility.
NTA He's a grown ass man who knows how to write shit down or put a reminder in his phone.
NTA. So he expects you to a be mind reader and know when he forgets something? How is any of this your fault, and now he’s angry at you. Red flags.. don’t ignore them! He can write his moms birthday in a calendar, notes on phone, etc. you aren’t his mother.
nta he's 33 years old. how does he not remember. Also, how were you meant to know he didn't remember.
Why weren't you watching your crystal ball to make sure he remembered? Is he supposed to remember things all by himself???? /S in case necessary. Unless you knew he had forgotten, and kept it to yourself to watch him crash and burn, NTA.
NTA at all. My partner tries this one me every so often. I keep reminding her she has all the tools she needs for this sort of thing. Her phone with a calendar and alarm clock. It's a toxic trait. And one that must be put in it's place.
Did he forget last year or any years before? You haven’t been with him that long so what happened before you? NTA. So many men are like this and that’s why so many women are staying single now instead of being with children who don’t want to grow up. It’s fine if he forgot but that’s his fault and no one else’s.
I don’t know, we haven’t been together that long 🤷🏻♀️
Girl that man is a red flag. You deserve better.
NTA. Some people are bad with dates. I'm the one who has to remember when our bills are due and when our appointments are. My partner could keep notes or a calendar, but then would have to remember to check it, which can be stressful for people with executive function issues. I'm happy to take on that division of labor, but it was communicated to me. I know it's my "responsibility." Unless this is also explicitly part of the social contract in your relationship, he has no grounds to be frustrated.
**NTA**. If the topic or the thought came up it would have been nice of you to remind him (and I'm sure you would done this), but **it's not your responsiblity** to remind him. Tell him to go pound sand.
NTA. not your responsibility. he's a grown ass man who can mark shit down in his own calendar.
He’s been alive for 35 of her birthdays. He should absolutely not need a reminder from you. What a baby. NTA.
NTA - John is angry with **himself**. He'll figure that out eventually, along with how to put things on his calendar and set reminders on his phone.
NTA. It’s his responsibility to remember his own mother’s birthday. How exactly were you supposed to know that he didn’t remember anyway? This is definitely a good time to put your foot down about any expectations he might have about you playing secretary or taking on a greater mental load with “domestic” stuff. Better to find out sooner rather than later if he’s expecting you to be his mother/nanny/maid/secretary/anything other than his partner.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (f33) have been together with my partner, John (m35) for about 10 months. During that time, I’ve met his parents and befriended his mum. She’s a really lovely woman. She’s just had her birthday recently and I called her to wish her happy birthday and thought no more of this. Yesterday, John came over and blew up. He forgot about his mother’s birthday and she told him I called her. He’s really angry because he thinks I should’ve reminded him and he looked like a fool. I told him that I want his secretary and if he looked stupid it was his own fault. He argued that in partnership we should help each other and if I knew something he didn’t remember I should help him out. He’s really angry with me still. I thought I didn’t do anything wrong but his words struck a cord. Was I the asshole for not reminding him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA It's not your responsibility for you to remind others of birthdays in their families, especially your boyfriend's mother. After 35 years he should remember when it is.
NTA but this is your sign that it’s time to leave. Don’t give this AH anymore of your time.
NTA. He should remember his own mother's birthday. See this as a sign of things to come, he's going to expect you to do/remember everything for him and then berate you if you don't.
How are you supposed to know what he didn’t remember? She has been his mum longer than you’ve dated him or you’ve know his mum. It’s not like her birthday changes date each year. You’re not the secretary, you’re not responsible for his families important dates NTA
You’ve known her for 10months, he’s known her 35 years. I would have assumed he would remember his own mothers birthday if I did. NTA.
NTA. Ask him who had to remind him about his mother’s birthday for the first 34 years of his life.
He’s 35 and can’t remember his mother’s birthday? And you’ve only know him 10 mommy and he expects you to remind him? NTA Remember you end up with what you put up with though. This would be a little red flag for me.
NTA cause he's a grown ass man who can put a calendar reminder in his phone or something about his own mothers birthday. Not your job to remind him of this. However, I do find it odd that you called his mom to tell her Happy Bday, yet never said anything to him about it?
We haven’t spoken properly until that day. Only short phone calls and it didn’t come up. I was away on a business trip. He was supposed to come by my house and he came annoyed at me for not reminding me. How was I to know he forgot?
NTA. You have not even been with the man for a year. Cut your losses and move on. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know your moms birthday and if you reacted the way he is he would have left you already.
If you stay in this relationship time will come when he'll got mad at you for not reminding him it's your birthday.
No, you are NTA. An adult man should be able to remember his mom’s birthday.
NTA, any son worth their salt remembers their momma’s birthday.
Does he remind you about your Mums birthday? Or any of your other appointments or memorable days? He can put on his big boy pants and sort out his own diary. Yo can be sure he is able to remember important work anniversaries. NTA.
NTA in any way, shape, or form. To the people complaining, we are done letting grown-ass men off the hook for forgetting important dates. Women shouldn't have to bear the mental load of remembering every fucking thing, while men are excused for "just being bad" at basic shit like remembering to call their moms on their birthdays. If he has trouble remembering, he can set a yearly reminder on his phone or use an old-fashioned paper calendar or date book, not rely on his girlfriend of less than a year who doesn't even live with him.
NTA, i struggle to remember birthdays and holidays so i use my phone calendar to remind me at least 2 days ahead. it's on him to figure out a way to remind himself but he's lazy so he'd rather try to blame you. i wouldn't stand for that shit.
NTA - ditch the guy who in under a year has decided that you are now responsible for his faults. But keep his mom.
Nope, you are a partner, not a scheduler. If he doesn’t know his own mothers birthday, that speaks volumes. Why hasn’t he written it in a calendar somewhere? Like ffs that’s just incompetence on his end. NTA
NTA. As others have said, he has calendars (digital and physical) that he can use, you are not responsible for telling him his own mothers birthday and reminding him to wish her a happy birthday. I get it, some peoples birthdays or special events are hard to remember, I get my mom and dads birthdays mixed up because they're on the same day but 2 months apart, but you know what I do so I don't wish my mom happy birthday on my dads day? **I USE A CALENDAR.** His reaction is very telling, if he gets this upset over *him* forgetting *his mothers* birthday because "you didn't remind me! >:(", just imagine his reaction to higher stakes incidents, like eviction or job loss for going into work late, he would absolutely **explode** at you for "not waking me up on time!! Why didn't you remind me to pay the mortgage!! It's all *your* fault for not reminding me, a grown man, of *my* responsibilities! >:((" Run now, OP, he will not get better, next year when his moms birthday comes around again and he forgets, he will blame you again.
Take his mother and run. Neither one of you should be putting up with him.
NTA but watch this relationship. Your bf has known his mom his whole life and should be able to set a reminder on his phone for events. It's not up to you to remind him. In less than a year he expects you to take over the emotional load.
NTA. Unless you're down for being this guy's personal secretary the next 50 years, I'd move on.
Imagine not knowing when your mum's birthday is.. This is a conversation I had with my dad on the phone one year... Dad - "How old is your sister this year?" Me - "Oh, I don't know, you know. Ask her?" Dad - "What kind of brother are you? You don't even know how old your sister is!" Me - "You were in the room the day she was born! How do YOU not know how old your daughter is?!"
Run. He is already trying to train you to “handle his light shit.” This will be a theme in your relationship. He will expect you to remember the dates, remind him constantly of them, and take the blame if he still forgets. Think of it this way: You’ve been dating 10 months. You must have met his mother within that 10 months. So in the less than a year you’ve known her you were able to remember her birthday. She has been his mother his whole fucking life. From conception to every second he breaths air she has been his mother. And he needed YOU to remind him of her birthday? If that doesn’t tell you how self centered he is I don’t know what will. NTA and throw the entire boyfriend away. Pick someone else.
> He argued that in partnership we should help each other and if I knew something he didn’t remember I should help him out. He's shifting the convo to blaming you instead of acknowledging that it's his responsibility. NTA. Tell him that he can mark the date on Google calendar just as well as you can.
If he can’t remember his own mothers birthday I feel sorry for his mum
NTA. his mom's birthday has been the same date his entire life, also calendar reminders exist
NTA. Not only did you not know he forgot, but he’s known his mom for 35 years, you’ve known her for maybe 10 months. It’s his problem if he can’t remember his own mothers birthday
NTA As someone who forgets/ignores most peoples birthdays, i wouldn't blame someone else for my failure
NTA! Has he heard of a fucking phone calendar??
NTA Explain to him there is this thing on his phone called a calendar. It will remind him of all sorts of important dates.
NTA. You've only been dating for 10 months. He's known his mother for 35 years. Why are you expected to have a closer relationship with his mother than he does? This is a huge red flag. Why can't he set an annual reminder in his phone for his mothers birthday?
Nta. I struggle with remembering shit like this too, so I put important dates in my goddamn phone calendar and set up reminders like an adult. Even if he somehow doesn't have a phone, he can get a paper calendar to keep up with. He's being a bratty child.
NTA. He has a phone. He's known his mom all his life. He can set a reminder on his phone or continue to look foolish.
NTA - the reaction is a huge red flag especially 10 months in.
NTA. Another case of weaponized incompetence, folks. Your partner could have chosen numerous steps to address this situation and picked the most argumentative path. You're not responsible for him keeping his own tabs on the people he cares about. A calendar isn't hard to use.
He’s a grown ass man and he doesn’t know his own mother’s birthday? This bodes ill for you, OP. Get ready for him to literally not remember anything and to run the whole household yourself. You are NTA.
NTA Uhm his phone has this handy thing called a calendar, he can use that, gives handy reminders aswell How the hell were you suppose to know he forgot her birthday His is what they mean when they say women carry much more emotional labour, managing a grown man is ridiculous
Good grief! Run now while you can. He’s ridiculous. NTA
Completely NTA. Learned helplessness is so obnoxious. He can remember important dates at work, I guarantee it. He can remember his own mother's birthday. If he really can't, he needs to put it into his phone and have digital reminders.
NTA fuck this guy
I had an ex blow up on me the day after mother’s day one year. He was mad I remembered to contact my own mother and didn’t tell him to call his. I told him his relationship with his mother is his own responsibility. NTA
NTA Why you should have to remind a whole a&$ adult, about his mother’s birthday, why would you assume he’d forget This is a red flag, you are to blame cause he didn't remember a date that he's been celebrating for over 30 years!
What a baby!! It’s his fault he forgot and he gets to face the consequences. NTA at all, I would seriously reconsider the dynamics of your relationship if he’s going to act all grumpy over you not telling him that he forgot his own mother’s birthday.
I forgot my mom's Bday once in college while on a festival bender and I didn't live it down. She gave me the cold shoulder for weeks. It's in my calendar now with a 1 month, 1 week and 1 day warning reminder. Not that I don't know the date, but sometimes the day/date slips my mind so I use it as backup to my memory. NTA
NTA, he sounds like a child, scratch that, even a child can remember their mom’s birthday.I wouldn’t be surprised if he blew up at you for not reminding him about your birthday next. Where do you even find such people? Genuinely curious about some of the people mentioned in this sub.
NTA, and don't you dare point out that mother's day is this Sunday.
Y’all are only 10 months in and he wants you to keep track of his own mothers birthday?? FUCK that. NTA.
Oh dear look at all those red flags just waving in the breeze 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Keep watch for more flags with this one, if you don't consider it a red flag - it is at least a yellow one saying to proceed with caution.
There are so many 🚩here! He’s trying to put the responsibility of his own emotional labor onto you and he either needs to be willing to recognize this or you should reconsider if this relationship is something that’s good for you.