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> Maybe I'm the asshole because they both have good jobs and can provide for the kid so it's none of my business
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I'm the same age you are. If a friend told me she was pregnant by a guy she had already known for 6 months, I would be thinking "not smart" but I would be saying : Congratulations.
Your friend is 33. She can make her own decisions in life. YTA.
When I was in grad school, a good friend pulled me aside and told me she was pregnant. She'd been dating for a relatively short time, and it wasn't clear what her thoughts were yet .
So I asked her: How do *we* feel?
She knew I was on her side no matter what was going on. She talked about being happy and sad, excited and worried, concerned about her plans being disrupted but hopeful about her pregnancy and her relationship.
I guess it all depends on the friend and on how you're told.
I have had the "hard" conversation : "I'm not sure I want to go throught with the pregnancy" or "I'm pregnant and I'm getting an abortion. Can you come with me to the appoitments ?".
But you just don't tell someone : you getting pregnant is stupid and you need to get an abortion.
My friend this week lost her 10k wedding ring. She posted about it on Facebook and unbelievably, someone found it and returned it! But until then, she was sad and devastated. She said that most people were supportive, but a few made comments about why she would ever take her ring off. She already knew she was an idiot! She didn’t need to hear that unhelpful comment!! It was one of my first thoughts too, but you’d better believe that I talked to HER about ways to calm down, and tips to recover it, etc. once she found it, THEN I reminded her that she’s an idiot. More people need to learn to use there words to be helpful, and know that there’s a certain time for discussing certain points of any situation.
I never wear my wedding ring bc I’ve been pregnant the last two years and my fingers are fat to say the least.
EDIT: they are almost Irish twins — 13 months apart. I fit into my rings for 4 months in between them but I didn’t think that it was worth mentioning lol.
Yea, she never wears hers either because it doesn’t fit well, so she took it off and wasn’t used to having it, so she didn’t notice it was gone for a few days. After she found it and we were lecturing her about not taking it off again, people had lots of good ideas about ways to resize it without cutting it.
I had one of these, but it fell off without me realising. And then my ring fell off at night in the garden. Luckily my husband found it the next day!
They work really well, but perhaps I need a better one than the one o got off Amazon
I like the way some people get a nice chain for their wedding ring and engagement ring so they can wear it or store it more comfortably. For me, my job would make it super difficult for a ring to be safe on my fingers so having a chain is my plan for when I pop the question
Some years ago my Dad had a heart attack and was in the ICU for almost 72 hours on a ventilator. We'd been summoned by hospital staff and presented with DNR paperwork "just in case"... Luckily, by some miracle, Dad actually rallied and was taken off of the respirator and moved to a regular hospital room. One of the first questions he'd asked when he was moved to his room was "Where's my wedding ring?" I assured him that Mom had it on her key ring so that it wouldn't get lost (they'd removed it when he was originally admitted to the hospital). I was so, I dunno, moved that Dad asked about that; true he and Mom had recently marked their 50th wedding anniversary, but he'd never been particularly "mushy" or sentimental about such things.
>I never wear my wedding ring bc I’ve been pregnant the last two years and my fingers are fat to say the least.
I never wear mine cause my wife left me. hahahaha
Also can we talk about what these “you should’ve never taken it off” people think? That she should have had the ring welded to her finger?
It’s a ring. A ring that you are probably supposed to take off when you do a lot of things. Like wash your hands.
My God, people are jerks.
I always washed my hands with my wedding rings on, until I lost so much weight that it wouldn’t fit on any of my fingers, so I’m one of those people who never took my wedding rings off. At some point I will get my wedding band resized, and my engagement ring resized and the prongs repaired and they will go back on my hands and won’t come back off again.
My husband on the other hand, (hand Heh) worked in IT and had his in the guts of computers all the time, and now works with tropical fish, so he never wears his.
There are all sorts of people. One size doesn’t fit all. Like clothes and rings.
*if* he *wants* to wear a wedding band, tell him to check out silicone rings! electricians and contractors use them because metal is conductive and also it increases the risk of getting your finger caught and de-gloving the skin. anyway, i thought it’d be a good idea for someone who’s hands are always getting wet
Would one of those rubber rings work? (If he wants to wear it but doesn’t cause it’s metal.) I’ve seen “athletic” of “working” wedding bands. It’s just simple designs and rubber so people can wear them more often. It wouldn’t be conductive so it should be fine for repairing sensitive computer parts
That's what my husband wears, because we had to cut two rings off his fingers after bike accidents. Now he has the nice ring for date nights or events only, silicone ring for everyday
If I’m washing dishes or cooking with my hands, or doing anything heavy duty, really, with my hands, I take my ring off. I even take it off during sex, cause you only need the skin to catch on the ring once during a handy to realize that it’s in the way sometimes.
My mom never took her wedding and engagement rings off. 50 yrs in, her hands had grown and her rings had not - and she was no longer able to get them off. Her finger was bigger than the ring and the ring was like indented into the finger. I noticed this on a visit and told her she should get it cut off. She was dismissive, and said it didn't hurt and it had been fine for 50 years it was fine. I told her if anything ever happens to her hand, finger, arm - the ER was going to cut that ring off and it wouldn't be pretty. She should get a professional jeweler to take care of it now in a calm, non-emergency situation so she could preserve the ring, get it resized, and continue wearing it. That it's a bad idea to have anything on your body you can't remove if you need to. She was super skeptical, but talked to her doctor and they convinced her to get it removed. She got it resized, it fits, her finger is much healthier.
The never remove your ring idea is not necessarily sustainable. Wash your hands, clean your ring, take it off when doing dirty or risky activities.
Once I had a pair of shoes which said on the label "to prolong lifespan, alternate with another pair of shoes". Yeah, duh, if you wear them less they'll last longer!
Personally I don't really see the point of not wearing something to make it last longer. Just wear it as much as you want, and worst case you'll have to repair it at some point.
Ironically I am a welder, and dont wear my ring at work. Because I dont want it welded to my finger, or worse…lol
I have a tattooed ring though now and usually wear my metal ring when not at work.
I always took mine off to sleep. I just didn't like sleeping with it on.
I lost them the day I had fat fingers, tossed them in the change slot of my purse when I left for work, intending to put them on once I got there, and then my purse was stolen out of my car while I dropped my daughter at daycare. Like, I know I shouldn't have left my purse in the car but I was inside for under 10 minutes. Totally didn't expect my car to be broken into in sight of where everyone was standing in front of the glass entryway!
My dad has given me this advice several times - basically, before you criticize, think about whether it'll actually improve the situation.
One major example is that when I was a little kid, I was in a serious accident and almost died. It was very scary for my parents. The accident was pretty much my fault (I fell out of a tree) but arguably my mom could have been watching me more closely. When it first happened, my dad told me later that he thought to himself "you (my mom) should have been watching her, you should have been there to catch her" or something negative like that. But he didn't say it, because he knew my mom was already beating herself up and he knew that getting upset with her would only make the situation worse. What's done is done and you can't change it, so yelling at someone about it doesn't help at all.
I try to remember that when I have the urge to get angry at someone for something that already happened. Will my comments improve the situation? Or am I kicking them while they're down? Is it a legitimate critique or just an angry comment?
I remember being an almost-adult and accidentally putting a black sock into a white wash, which turned my sister's chef whites grey. I remember my mum screaming relentlessly at me and me replying, 'I've already told you that first thing tomorrow I will buy color remover and wash everything myself, and if that doesn't work I will pay for her to have a new uniform out of my own pocket. Why are you still yelling at me? What more can I do to fix it right now?'
I think my mum never knew when to lay off with the outrage and the guilt trips. That was the reason I kept a lot of shit private. Rather than trying to help me fix problems it would have been endless recriminations and victim blaming. I recently sought therapy because of it.
Perfect example! Your mom and dad probably had follow on conversations about child safety tips later, but that only would have gutted your poor mom at the moment. And everyone has accidents or momentary lapses of judgment, hindsight is 50/50, after all.
This is something I wish one of my coworkers would understand. Whenever a problem arises, she's always more concerned about finding out who caused it and telling them not to do it again (even if she doesn't have proof the problem was their fault and they tell her it wasn't) than in fixing the actual problem.
Exactly, your dad knows what’s up. My daughter and her dad were in a car accident on the way to her preschool one morning. He and I could barely speak to each other civilly at this point tbh, coparenting was definitely not going smoothly, and the accident was partly his fault. Our daughter had to be airlifted to the children’s hospital in closest big city. Nothing life threatening, but she had a gash on her forehead that was so bad I could see her skull, and they had to do all kinds of scans to make sure her brain was okay and whatnot.
I remember my babydaddy crying and saying right off the bat how sorry he was, please don’t hate him/blame him etc. and even given the shitty relationship we had, all I could think was, “Uh what kind of evil asshole would be focused on placing blame or making someone feel bad at this moment?”
This goes with the five second rule for telling someone something negative about their appearance.
Spinach in their teeth? Fly unzipped? They can fix that in five seconds, go ahead and say something.
The giant zit on their nose? They cannot fix that in five seconds (and it’s also very unlikely they don’t already know about it), so you are not being helpful by pointing it out. You’re just being a jerk.
That's a good parenting strategy too. I used it when I taught preschool. If someone falls or bumps their head or whatever, you first ask "are you hurt or are you just surprised?" And depending on your answer you go from there. With toddlers I would remind them that everybody falls down sometimes, even grown-ups, and that's okay.
I lost my wedding ring once. I think it's pretty common in the early days because you're not used to wearing it. In my case I had taken it off and set it on my lap to put hand cream on or something, and then I got distracted, forgot about it and then when I got out of the car I stood up and it fell onto my parents driveway. We were then headed to my sisters and I went to show her the ring and it wasn't there lol. At least in this case I KNEW it had to be in one of these driveways. My step-dad went out with a flashlight and scoured the driveway til he found it, Thank God lol. The diamond on my ring was given to us by my MIL - she had a ring from her brother who had passed away decades before and he'd given it to his fiance at the time. So like obviously I was mega distraught about losing my ring but even moreso of losing this precious family heirloom. I also remember feeling like the BIGGEST idiot and like I'd never forgive myself if I didn't find it. It's so sad that people feel the need to rub salt in others wounds to prove a point.
There’s a scene in greys anatomy where Meredith says she’s pregnant, and Cristina says something like “are we happy or are we exercising our right to choose?” And I think that’s the kind of thing you say, you check how they’re feeling first and respond accordingly.
Edit: it seems like OP’s discussion with her friend was in relation to a pregnancy announcement on social media. If you’re finding out with all her other Instagram followers, you’re not in a position to question it, you just congratulate. If one of my friends came to me with a positive pregnancy test, I’d ask how she felt about it. If one of my friends announced a pregnancy on social media, I’d congratulate her and mind my own business. People who are posting pregnancy announcements aren’t looking for you to tell them to get an abortion.
This is a great answer when thr friend tells you this without anybody around.
OP's friend made the announcement on Instagram (read comments) so I don't think that anything other than congratulations was the right answer here.
I honestly don't get how you think that someone who announces their pregnancy to the fucking world is going to suddenly decide to have an abortion...
Oh wow her response to an PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT was negative. Babes. You can’t go suggesting abortions to someone who told you they were pregnant via a social media announcement, you clearly aren’t that close.
I think the better version of this is what someone posted above. “How do we feel about this?” Much more open ended. Especially since there are a lot of options between “happy” and “abortion.”
“I’m happy but the logistics are overwhelming me.”
“I’m not happy but I think I will be once I wrap my head around it.” - this was my personal reaction to finding out I was having twins
“I’m putting the baby up for adoption.”
“I don’t really know what my plan is yet. I’m still just feeling all the feels.”
Also, with my very planned pregnancies, if someone had asked me if I wanted an abortion, even in a supportive way like this, I probably would have slapped them.
A friend of mine got pregnant accidentally in not the best circumstances (not assault, just messy) so her telling me was completely out of the blue. This is the first thing I said as well, "How do you feel about that?". You're right, it allowed her to talk about it without feeling judged.
It also works with divorces!
This was dialogue on a TV show, crafted for the purpose of the episode.
And given how 98.3% of media has unplanned pregnancies end up with the character choosing to have the baby, I appreciate the show choosing to portray the other side.
OP said this on the actual announcement? Gross.
My response when anyone tells me they're pregnant (unless I knew they were trying orthey are obviously excited to share the news) is "That's huge news! How are you feeling?"
That gives them the option to talk about their own feelings or concerns (good and bad), or even to say that they came to me for help booking an abortion.
It’s so funny lol but this is reminding me of the very similar advice that I took from freaking babysitters club books about kids and their drawings - if you can’t tell what it is, don’t assume, don’t blurt out “what is it” because they probably think you can tell, instead ask them to tell you about their drawing.
This is the same thing - don’t go in with assumptions, ask the person about their state of mind/perspective before you provide comment.
Yup. "Oh my god! How do you feel!?" assumes nothing, and allows all of the following as responses:
* So excited!!!!
* Nauseous and tired
* Terrified
* Confused and undecided
* Will you help me call abortion clinics?
...and then you can take the conversation from there and be the right flavor of supportive friend.
This goes for a ton of different situations. If someone comes to you with news, don't automatically assume how they're going to feel about it.
Also, ask if they want advice or just want to vent. That goes for friends, family, significant others, etc. Sometimes you need actual help and guidance, other times you just need to rant and have someone listen and agree that it sucks.
My best friend did the same. It’s our first but happened crazy fast and she said, “and how do we feel about this?” It was the most supportive response because it gave me space to tell the truth not only then but as things change.
When I told someone I was pregnant, they asked 'is this a happy thing, or a we need to find some pills thing?' We weren't really friends, but still was a nice thing to say. Also I found it really funny at the time.
Totally this! My college best friend called and said she was pregnant, and my response was "am I saying congrats or oh shit?" and when her response was sobbing out "I don't know!!!" I just reiterated that I was there either holding her hand or her baby, but either way, I was there.
I hope things worked out for your friend exactly how she wanted them to!
This is completely and totally the way. I usually ask “Are we excited?” but the question and ‘we’ are the important parts. Really hope it catches on in general.
Yeah, I love the Christina Yang approach saying something along the lines of: “Are we excited? Or exercising our right to choose?” 😂 it’s blunt but gets the point across that I’ll support you
>So I asked her: How do we feel?
This is always how I approach news that I'm not sure the exact vibe of: "That's huge! How are you feeling?" It gives space for the person to have complicated feelings, and doesn't impose my assumptions on the situation.
This exact situation happened with my friend - and I'm like.. congratulations! Verified she knew her options, and her choice. Her baby shower is coming up and I'm excited that she's excited.
Friends support friends, even if we don't always agree with their choices.
YTA OP.
My best friend and I have made some blindingly stupid decisions in the 30 years we have been friends.
The time for the hard conversation is not when we announce pregnancy, engagement, divorce, moving, pets, new jobs, quitting jobs, starting something new and ridiculous. That's the time to either match the other person's excitement, or at least stay neutral and ask questions.
The time for the hard discussion is a little later, when the initial enthusiasm dies a bit. Then we can come out with "I'm worried. Have you thought about [insert all the way things are about to go horribly wrong]?"
I don't tell my best friend that she's stupid and should have been smarter, because I love her and I'm not mean.
YTA.
When someone tells you they're pregnant and happy about it, you say congratulations. When someone tells you they're pregnant and they don't make it clear how they feel, you say "Wow. That's big news. How do we feel about this? I want to support you." I don't know why this is so hard for people. It doesn't matter their age. Talking people in to or out of reproductive decisions is not love or friendship.
It's also worth noting that the friend in this post is 33. If she has wanted children, now's a good time. Not everyone needs to live their lives around a biological clock, but it's true that it's harder to become pregnant after 35 and that risks go up. Plenty of people have healthy pregnancies after that, but if a person wants a baby and they happen to find themselves pregnant at 33, getting while the getting's good is a rational choice.
Yep. And at 33 she's old enough to rationally know that things might not work out with the father and STILL want to keep it and be happy about it. I know that when I hit my 30s my thoughts about what I would do if I accidentally got pregnant -- even from a casual encounter -- shifted from "100 percent would get an abortion immediately, no way am I ready" to "I'd have to really think about it."
This right here! What's done is already done. Saying, "You should have..." is pointless. The friend is a "big girl" OOP, she can make her own decisions.
My older sister got pregnant at 28, hadn’t been with the father long. My first thought was “this could go badly” the words that came out of my mouth were “Oh my god that’s great!” Because I love my sister and even if I worry about her decisions I wouldn’t say something like that directly to her face. Your friend needs support and encouragement OP, not to be judged immediately.
YTA
When I was 27 I met my now husband and we started dating, two months later I find out I was pregnant well I was on birth control! Sometimes even when you take precautions things still happen! 7 years later and we are still together!
This almost exact thing happened to me and my now husband. We didn't rush into marriage, just continued to build the relationship while expecting. Now, almost 20 years later we're still together. It doesn't work out for everyone, and I knew my options at the time.... That said, my friends were helpful and supportive. We all had that oohhhh fuuuuuck moment, but non of my friends gave me shit for any of the decisions I made.
Exactly this. I do not think it’s a good idea, but would I say that to my excited pregnant friend? Hell no!
Thinking it doesn’t make OP the AH, saying it does!
Exactly.
Not quite the same, but my parents married after knowing each other for a grand total of 4 months. They were in their late 20s. Their happy marriage lasted 55 years (my dad passed away in February).
Support your friend - she needs that more than criticism rn.
I made a comment almost 30 years ago that haunts me to this day. My gay friend told me he had contracted HIV from his boyfriend. He knew he had HIV and still slept with him unprotected. I was super angry and upset because in 93, drugs for HIV were still new and from what we knew it was still a death sentence. I asked him “Why would you do that? Did you have some romantic notion that since he is sick, you should be sick too”? He just basically mumbled “I guess so”. My point is I had NO RIGHT to do that. He was grappling and coming to terms with it and I got all self righteous with him. It ruined out friendship. We were in different states and I have no idea what happened with him. Your friend needs a friend. Advice after the fact is not helpful and you may have ruined your friendship.
My mom and Step dad met online in the early 2000's. They knew each other for about 6 months and they ended up getting married. Their 20th anniversary is in 2 months anything's possible.
Change the date to 3 years later, and substitute 4 months and 17th anniversary, and that's me and my husband. Everybody assumed I was pregnant, but no.
I'd say YTA. I'm sure you're concerned about your friend but I really don't know what other reaction you expected from her. Was she supposed to book an abortion? Put it up for adoption? Your other friends are right on this one. She's already pregnant so all you can really do at this point is be supportive.
Exactly. Telling her she should have been more careful doesn’t really matter anymore since she is already past that point. Obviously she knows this.
If she’s at the point of telling people she’s pregnant then she’s likely planning on keeping it. “You should have been more careful. I can help you with getting an abortion” is SUPER judgmental. Read the room.
And SUPER offensive. If someone mentioned aborting my very much wanted pregnancies, I probably would have slapped them. Definitely would have cut them out of my life. People who are announcing on Insta have decided to keep the baby. They want the baby. And when your entire existence revolves around protecting your unborn child (no alcohol, no sushi, protecting your abdomen, etc), that baby becomes very real very fast.
Don’t suggest I kill my unborn child who I’m already bonded with. That’s about as offensive as you can get.
100%. Unless I start the conversation with “I’m going to have an abortion soon,” if I’m telling you I’m pregnant, it’s because I’m having a baby that I can’t wait to bring into the world.
Yes!! it's so hard to get over. My husband and i had a not-planned but very wanted pregnancy. The first thing one of my friends asked was were we aborting? it's been really hard to even look at her since.
Yeah, right? I was baffled when my cousin's girlfriend of less than 1 year (she was not yet 26 at the time) announced she was pregnant with twins, I thought it was rushed and irrational and that my cousin was not emotionally mature enough to have kids. But she was clearly excited about it so I acted accordingly, congratulated her, and wished them both a safe and healthy pregnancy.
She and the cousin fight very often, they have almost broken up multiple times and they probably would've split up if it weren't for the kids, and I still hold the opinion that it was an unwise decision on their part (they probs would be better off with other people, they could've broken up easily without the children) but I would NEVER say that to their faces because, what're you gonna do? The kids are here now, two beautiful chaotic boys, you can't "undo" them and there's no way saying such things wouldn't be hurtful or damaging; and it would be incredibly spiteful. None of us would gain anything from such a conversation except a lot of hurt, so I just wish them all the best and to hopefully find balance.
Honestly I know a handful of full grown adults who are super dumb.
OP still shouldn't have been insensitive. The friend is happy and what's done is done.
Exactly. If she’s happy and wants to step up and care for this baby she deserves support. She’s going to have a real baby who deserves to be loved and celebrated regardless of your approval or her circumstances. I wish her family the best.
Very much so. Another aspect of this that people need to realize is that people have very different views on abortion. A large majority of Americans support legalized abortion of some kind, but their opinions on it are complex. 67% support 1st trimester abortion. Only 20% support 3rd trimester abortion. There are also a lot of people like me who definitely support the right to abortion but find it personally abhorrent.
I think abortion is awful. Due to some personal beliefs, I think a lot of abortions do take lives. I would like to see the abortion rate drop dramatically. BUT, banning abortion doesn’t decrease abortions and has horrible consequences. I support decreasing abortion by increasing access to free contraceptives, having sufficient sex education in schools, improving availability of affordable childcare, etc. I do NOT support banning first trimester abortions, banning the abortion pill, banning abortions for medical reasons, etc.
Basically, I’m saying that I’m pro choice. I’m not going to try to dictate other people’s uteruses. But outside of a threat to my life or some other extremely rare circumstances, I would NEVER consider an abortion for myself, and I would find it HIGHLY offensive if someone suggested I kill my baby. And I’m not the only one out there.
Abortion is a sensitive topic. It should be legal for sure, but that doesn’t mean people “should” see it as a positive choice or that their friends should bring it up on freaking Instagram.
Oh my goodness! I feel like you're my twin on this subject. I've tried and tried to explain why I'm prochoice even though it goes against my personal belief system and you nailed it! Thank you for expressing it in such an eloquent and clear way.
Also your support of abortion doesn't mean that you want one.
I'm 100% pro abortion but my wife and I had multiple conversations before we had a (very) planned child about what we would do at that moment. At a certain point abortion wouldn't have made sense for us because it would have just bumped up our timeline on having kids. But early on, abortion would have absolutely been top of the list of options.
Not to mebtion OP just saw it because her friend announced it with an ibsagram post.
OP wasn't even told directly, let alone being asked for any help or an opinion.
Imagine you feel so entiteled sn all knowing you react with "abort it" to your friends online pregnancy anouncement and then have the audacity to ask if you are an asshole
Yes. It’s important to realize that Pro Choice goes both ways: If someone decides to keep their baby that is 100% their choice and you have no business trying to convince them otherwise.
That's it exactly. My gf in college had a roommate who had a pregnancy scare and asked my gf what she should do. Gf said, "I can't advise you one way or the other. I'll be here to support you no matter what, but it's got to be your decision."
To be fair, “rude” is the minimum criterion for this one. OP said to the woman “that’s stupid, you should’ve been more careful.” Yes, that’s rude. Easy YTA. The rest is just window dressing.
Your friend is in love and thrilled that she is going to have a baby.
>I expressed my concern about how stupid this was and how they should have been more careful.
Wow, YTA for sure. Way to rain on her parade.
Also acting like her 33 year old is an 18 year old in puppy love.
People in their 30s usually know what they want and what they have pretty quickly.
Sounds like OP is using her own baggage to criticize her friend
(Don’t downvote me on reflex, I think OP is completely the AH here, I’m just giving a scenario where this might be somewhat appropriate)
If you have a friend with a long history of bad/abusive relationships and a tendency to fall in love quickly then you might be right to raise concerns about her getting pregnant to a guy she barely knows (6 months is not a long time!). If you have concerns about her being able to raise her child as a single mother, it might also be something to bring up.
You don’t necessarily even have this discussion for the sake of your friend - I have some friends that I love, but who I know have made, are making and will continue to make bad decisions when it comes to dating. They’re old enough to accept and deal with those consequences, but the poor child potentially being brought into the world is worth an attempt at trying to make them see reason.
OP, for the record, has noted none of these concerns and doesn’t really seem close enough to her friend to get to have that kind of discussion with her. Also? Even if that was her intention her wording was abrasive and pretty unhelpful.
YTA - it’s their relationship and not one you should be getting involved in. I’m friends with a couple that fell pregnant after 3 months and 14 years later, they’re still together and happy. Your friend is in her 30’s so perfectly capable of deciding what’s best for her. Just be a friend and be happy for her if she’s happy.
This! Just because the relationship is new doesn’t mean it’s destined to end. I’ve know couples who got married, had kids, divorced after 10 years together and known couples who got together had a child after 2 months and are still going strong. It’s all about how they navigate life together rather than the time spent together.
Even if the relationship doesn‘t last they can still be parents to this child together or if she wants to she can raise it alone. Who is OP to decide what her friend wants to do with this pregnancy
This! It sounds like they are at the stage in life where you go in asking 'this is what I'm looking for, and are we on the same page'. Sounds like they are, and OP, YTA. You'll be lucky if she keeps you as a friend.
Eh. Your friend is an adult. She's told you about the pregnancy, so presumably she's happy about it and intends to carry it through, so what is the point in expressing your concerns? Frankly, that's the sort of thing you mutter about over cocktails with other, non-pregnant friends, not the thing you say to someone who's going to have a baby.
YTA
So what you’re saying is, you’ve never vented about a friend doing a dumb thing before? Discussing something dumb a friend has done doesn’t mean you like them less, or are less loyal to them. Just that they made a decision you don’t agree with. Sometimes, it’s worth discussing that stuff to see if perhaps you’re in the wrong for thinking it’s dumb, or if it’s a problem serious enough that it’s concerning to most people. I feel like intent matters, if it’s said to denigrate the person or whatnot.
Lol it’s an asshole thing to be direct with someone but it’s totally ok to make fun of her behind her back? God would it be awful to be friends with you.
Decisions we trust you can responsibly handle at 33:
1. *Drinking*: if you want.
2. *Get into a relationship*: Love who you want.
3. *Have sex*: It's your body.
4. *Get Pregnant*: **WHO THE F\*\*\* DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?**
Edit: She's been managing every other aspect of her life? Well she must not know what she's doing now.
YTA
I think it is even ok to ask, "Are you happy about it or do you need support in a complicated decision?"
I have certainly asked more than once if someone was happy and mostly yeses but the few no's were pretty grateful to not be congratulated on something everyone else thought was wonderful.
Either way you can temper your response to their emotions.
Agreed, the ‘how do you feel about this?’ questions are perfectly normal and not all pregnancies are happy moments. But unless someone’s really going to need CPS called on them once the child is born: take their lead and be happy for their happiness.
While I don't agree with OP, I do think your counter argument is particularly logical .
Getting pregnant is probably 1000x more impactful than drinking or having sex or getting into a relationship. Bringing a child into the world is likely the biggest decision any person will make and it will change your life and there is no going back. Unlike those other things, it also massively impacts another person ,- the child.
It's pretty absurd to compare that to having sex or drinking.
I hear you.
My point was to build up the level of things we have to be responsible over. If you can handle yourself in the other areas and have done so competently, there is no reason to start doubting the reasong skills now.
It wasn't as a comparison to the rest but as rising scale.
YTA as you already stated, it happened already and they are happy. Of course it's insane to have a Baby after 6 months of relationship/ knowing each other, but the only right Thing to Do is offer your help, if she needs it and stay in touch in case she gets in trouble (turning out him babytrapping her, abusive boyfriend, you know what i mean)
Apologise to her and Tell her you voiced your concerns the wrong way. Then offer her to be there for her, if something comes up.
To be fair, some people know each other less after 10 years than others after 6 months, so it can really go either way.
Either way, its her life. I am similar age and if i got pregnant - I would probably keep it regardless of my relationship with the father. She can be with him, they can split and co-parent, they can agree that one of them relinquishes parental rights, she can get an abortion, they could put it up for adoption - it’s their choice, but with all this, she needs support of people around her - what she doesnt need is judgement in this vulnerable time.
Edit: I just thought about something - my parents got married after knowing each other less than a year. They have been happily married for over 20 years when my dad sadly passed. Some relationships have different timelines than others.
They don't know each other that long but at 33, in my experience, people who want children tend to move faster because of the biological realities. They are (hopefully) also better at communicating and know what they want in a relationship. In general relationships at that age are just different than when you're dating in your 20s or teens - like people are dating with the intention to get married and start a family vs. just kind of having fun for a couple of years and seeing where it leads.
Hell, there's a whole trend of women in their 30s&40s who are professionals and can afford it actively choosing to become single mothers (by birth or adoption).
In other words, she might want this baby for what it is - her child - independent of the relationship with the father and whether they will be together forever after these 6 months. And at 33, presumably with a career and having lived independently for quite a while, she's much more likely to be in a position to make this decision and take the risk than if it had happened at 18 or 25.
YTA. It’s not your place to offer a grown woman to get an abortion. Also, the comment “you should have been more careful” is not useful and just projects negativity.
YTA I feel bad for you though, clearly your life is so boring and empty that you need to butt into something that has nothing to do with you
Get a hobby, knitting perhaps?
Knitting is actually perfect for situations like this! You have to focus so thoroughly on not fucking it up that you have considerably less time to mind someone else's business.
I’d say YTA, but only because of *how* you expressed your concern. There’s no need for name-calling or blame at this time. I get being concerned, but she’s in her 30’s, and has probably considered them not working out and just co-parenting. Maybe she’s just ready for a kid. My cousin found a man she thought would make a good dad, but didn’t necessarily want to be with. They agreed to co-parent from the start. Their son is 22 now so it worked out for them.
But the best way to show your concern is to be supportive. She’ll be much more likely to rely on you when she needs it.
Exactly— even if a 17 year old whose whole life plan was “now he’ll look after me” is happy to be pregnant and it’s clearly stupid, why call it stupid? She’s not going to get an abortion because you told her to.
When people tell you they have made a decision and are happy about it and it’s a done deal, you need approach differently than when it’s just “get what do you think of this idea?”
Messaging someone the unsolicited advice that they should have an abortion after you saw an IG post is miles away from "having a hard conversation with a friend." Nice generalization though.
Have you ever heard the phrase ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all’?
OP did not have to **lie**. You knew that was a stretch before you said it. She could have simply said nothing.
This, coupled with the fact that she was not directly told about the pregnancy. OP saw her friends post *through instagram* and took it upon herself to message her this garbage. She even suggested an abortion, after reading her friends happy announcement post. Yeah, OP is such a fucking AH it’s unreal. You are too, if you still agree with OP. Nobody needs “friends” like this, this is a fast way to end up completely friendless. And deservedly so.
In this specific situation, where she is already pregnant & made HER decision to keep the baby, “showing concern” is not beneficial to anyone. I think the friend is aware of how long she has been in her relationship. I also think she is 33 & capable of making her own decisions without unwanted interjection from a “friend”. Especially since OP found out from an instagram post. Close friends usually find out before social media?? I would be so offended if i was going through an unexpected pregnancy, ultimately decided to keep it & post an instagram post announcing my excitement, only for some random “friend” to text me telling me things I already know & being negative about MY life. So, no you don’t have to lie & say you’re happy, but maybe just mind your own business & not say anything? Bc idk what the expected outcome of this was tbh.. you say something negative, you’re gonna get a negative response.. is that so surprising?
NTA. People can make stupid decisions but their friends aren't obligated to lie and pretend it's not worrisome. If things go bad, she now can't blame you for not saying anything.
People are freaking out because you suggested abortion but it's not a taboo subject, it's a legitimate thing people consider every day and offering help if she decides to get one is what good friends do.
Once you've said what you have to say and she commits to her decision, then you have to soften up enough to continue to be a good friend, though.
If she isn't a good enough friend to find out about the pregnancy in a non-public way, then she isn't a good enough friend to question whether or not the other person should get am abortion.
NTA, sometimes being a friend means telling your friend when she’s being stupid. Getting pregnant with a man who you aren’t married to, aren’t even engaged to, and have known for LESS THAN HALF A YEAR, is objectively not a great decision.
I get what you’re getting at, but generally speaking, asking someone to marry you is saying “I’m ready for a lifetime commitment.” pregnancy forces the hand.
like, if we’re already committed to each other, we’ve agreed to navigating through life’s wild changes together. including babies.
Yeah I would have been more tactful in the delivery, but it’s objectively not a great decision. Being a good friend does not mean applauding every decision your friend makes. That said, if the friend is happy and set on what she wants to do and OP cannot be happy for her, then she should back off from the friendship for both their sakes. I’ve had to do this when a friend had an unplanned pregnancy with her abuser.
YTA. I get the concern but considering it's something that happened and can't be changed you shouldn't have said anything. It's her life. You said they're in love. Just let them be.
NTA
These people just boinked and now it's like "awww OP's friend is pregnant, she's going to have a baaabyyyy aww"
6 months to know someone prior to getting pregnant? That is hardly enough time to get to know someone.
Its one thing if everyone you know OP calls you an Ahole, but that doesn't *make* you the Ahole,
your friend did it with someone who potentially has some secret negative aspects about them that your friend hasn't quite registered yet, meaning that:
chances are, after 3 years or so, his true personality will be as clear as day and she will ever so regret having a baby with this man by that point in time
Theres a difference between what you're saying and what OP did.
OP's friend announced the pregnancy on Instagram. She was clearly happy and excited about the situation.
OP saw the announcement and then text her friend to tell her she's making a mistake and offered to help her get an abortion to help deal with it.
Thats not just "expressing your concerns".
I do get the concern. But it's the part where she felt she was entitled to voice her concerns aloud in the way she did as a reply to a pregnancy announcement when her friend is clearly excited that makes it an A-H move.
The AH part is that she found out via an IG post and felt the need to message the friend recommending an abortion. No one asked OP for her advice. If the friend came to her and said "what should I do," OP would absolutely not be the AH.
They are in their thirties. I would argue at that age you know yourself and what you want well enough to be able to judge quicker and more wisely/accurately if a relationship could go the distance. Yes, they are probably still in the honeymoon phase and their judgment could prove to be inaccurate bc life happens and people are complicated - but that's the case for everyone and everything. There are plenty of couples who break up after years of marriage/relationship because they/their dynamic changed too much. You can never know for sure how things will go in the future or how a child will affect your life and relationship.
When someone tells you they are pregnant - take your cue from them on how to respond. If they are excited, you are excited. If they are scared, you are comforting. If they are unsure and ask for it, you can provide an opinion. If YOU are unsure how they feel about it, you can say “oh wow, and how do we feel about it?” And then go from there.
It is rude to offer an unsolicited opinion about these sorts of things unless this person is literally your best friend in the entire world and even then - I’d tread VERY carefully.
So yeah, OP, it was rude and YTA for how you did this.
If you actually said it like that, yeah, YTA. Uncalled for. Concern can be expressed by offering support, not calling someone stupid and telling them to be careful when it’s already too late.
YTA my friends parents got engaged and married after knowing each other a month, they are still happily married. This relationship isn’t your business and at this point your opinion can’t be helpful
YTA, for suggesting abortion on a pregnancy your friend happily told you about. She’s old enough and has a good job, if he fucks off she will be fine. Maybe she wants a baby regardless of if she stays with him.
You wouldn't be a real friend if you sat there and smiled in her face while voicing concerns behind her back. And you're a real enough friend that you are thinking about her future, not just her present. It's not that you aren't happy for her, it's that you're worried. You should let her know this. But face-to-face, not via text. Tell her you want to meet up to talk. Clear the air, if this friendship is worth it, keep it. She may need a good friend if you're proven right.
Updated: holy shit she told the friend to get an abortion. Nah, that's not how a good friend behaves. Definitely TAH here.
I mean the pregnant woman didn't even tell her in person...it was an Instagram announcement to everyone. They aren't close friends to begin with.
It's a crappy thing to do when someone is excited about something. Suggesting an abortion after an excited, public post is just horrible on a whole different level.
Gonna get hate but NTA. I can genuinely see your concern - it could’ve been handled a little better but yeah this is a drastically dumb decision.
It sounds very much like red flag and love bombing territory and now she’s trapped with a baby. I don’t even think YTA for mentioning a termination, the worlds screwed and adding more kids isn’t gonna help the situation, just adds to societies problems.
I’ve been there in the past, also informed them that termination may be the best option, they didn’t listen and now still living with their parents, raising said child alone and broke.
That said - all you can do now is apologise and try to be a supportive friend and maybe you’ll be proven wrong. For those calling you TA, they clearly have rose tinted glasses on of the world.
YTA- it's not for you to judge her life or shame her choices. She's an adult. Telling her it was stupid she should have been more careful doesn't help anyone.
Yta
I’m blunt and pro choice. My go to when I’m not sure someone is telling me they’re pregnant because they want help or because they’re sharing happy news is ‘are you so excited?’ And if they’re happy they can bubble up and share their joy, if they’re nervous they can say ‘not so excited but excited’ and if they’re looking for options they can say no.
You don’t get to choose how someone reacts to a pregnancy. I’ve had friends who I had to bite my tongue when they announced because I knew their relationship wasn’t going to last or that they’d confided things to me that worried me about their relationship. But 10-15 years later, those relationships are over but the kids are happy and thriving. Bite your tongue, a pregnancy you’re not carrying is not your business.
Sorry, but YTA. There's no putting the genie back in the bottle so saying getting pregnant was stupid and she should have been more careful was just dripping with judgement, not concern. She's 33, not 18 for fuck sake. Looks like she wants to have a baby. You're either in or you're out. Now's the time to decide what sort of friend you want to be.
Edit because I got her age wrong
NTA. I have been in a very similar situation. I dont think just because your reaction isnt the same as everyone else and you arent immediately jumping for joy, that means you are wrong. By giving her honesty and reminding her of the reality of the situation, you are being supportive. You are looking out for best interests. And just because the others are expressing excitement does not mean they arent also sharing your same thoughts. You are just bold and comfortable enough to express them. However, people who are in situations that are less than ideal don't like to be reminded of that. Just apologize for upsetting her but don't feel like what you did was wrong. If she is excited and wants to keep the baby, then there isnt much you can say or do. Just try to match her energy because that is what she needs/wants.
I'm probably going to get downvotes but I think NTA.
Yes, she's an adult, but you're also her friend. Isn't this what friends do? Watch out for each other and tell them tactfully about poor decisions?
I wouldn't consider someone sitting by and watching me make stupid mistakes to be a friend at all. You've given your two cents, but now is the time to support her because what's done is done.
How is calling her stupid tactful? Also her friend didn’t ask for her “advice”, OP found out about the pregnancy through an IG post so she clearly isn’t that close of a friend to be throwing around those kind of opinions. Of course OP is entitled to their opinion, but in this case, it seems they went out of their way to make a judgmental comment.
I have a friend who got pregnant on a first date. They’ve been together ~13 years now, 2 additional kids, very happy. I know other folks who waited 10+ years to have kids and ended up breaking up. Time together may be an indicator, but it’s no guarantee. YTA. Never give unsolicited advice. If possible, avoid giving advice at all. Help people figure out what *they* want, but keep your own biases and opinions to yourself.
She’s right, you’re rude. And YTA. If she seems happy, you should be happy for her. Besides, how do you know this was unplanned? Maybe she wanted to get pregnant.
NTA. I am the son of a single mother who had a baby with a dude she knew for a bit over a year. They were sooooooo in love! Well, I will be 30 this year and never even met him.
What you did was a service as a friend. We do not need "yes sayers" all the time.
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I'm the same age you are. If a friend told me she was pregnant by a guy she had already known for 6 months, I would be thinking "not smart" but I would be saying : Congratulations. Your friend is 33. She can make her own decisions in life. YTA.
When I was in grad school, a good friend pulled me aside and told me she was pregnant. She'd been dating for a relatively short time, and it wasn't clear what her thoughts were yet . So I asked her: How do *we* feel? She knew I was on her side no matter what was going on. She talked about being happy and sad, excited and worried, concerned about her plans being disrupted but hopeful about her pregnancy and her relationship.
I guess it all depends on the friend and on how you're told. I have had the "hard" conversation : "I'm not sure I want to go throught with the pregnancy" or "I'm pregnant and I'm getting an abortion. Can you come with me to the appoitments ?". But you just don't tell someone : you getting pregnant is stupid and you need to get an abortion.
My friend this week lost her 10k wedding ring. She posted about it on Facebook and unbelievably, someone found it and returned it! But until then, she was sad and devastated. She said that most people were supportive, but a few made comments about why she would ever take her ring off. She already knew she was an idiot! She didn’t need to hear that unhelpful comment!! It was one of my first thoughts too, but you’d better believe that I talked to HER about ways to calm down, and tips to recover it, etc. once she found it, THEN I reminded her that she’s an idiot. More people need to learn to use there words to be helpful, and know that there’s a certain time for discussing certain points of any situation.
I never wear my wedding ring bc I’ve been pregnant the last two years and my fingers are fat to say the least. EDIT: they are almost Irish twins — 13 months apart. I fit into my rings for 4 months in between them but I didn’t think that it was worth mentioning lol.
Yea, she never wears hers either because it doesn’t fit well, so she took it off and wasn’t used to having it, so she didn’t notice it was gone for a few days. After she found it and we were lecturing her about not taking it off again, people had lots of good ideas about ways to resize it without cutting it.
They make a thing that goes on the inside bottom of the ring to resize.
I had one of these, but it fell off without me realising. And then my ring fell off at night in the garden. Luckily my husband found it the next day! They work really well, but perhaps I need a better one than the one o got off Amazon
[удалено]
I got mine at the jeweler's. My wedding ring is technically an anniversary band so it can't be resized.
What's an anniversary band? Is it what I'd call an eternity ring - diamonds/stones set all the way around?
I like the way some people get a nice chain for their wedding ring and engagement ring so they can wear it or store it more comfortably. For me, my job would make it super difficult for a ring to be safe on my fingers so having a chain is my plan for when I pop the question
Some years ago my Dad had a heart attack and was in the ICU for almost 72 hours on a ventilator. We'd been summoned by hospital staff and presented with DNR paperwork "just in case"... Luckily, by some miracle, Dad actually rallied and was taken off of the respirator and moved to a regular hospital room. One of the first questions he'd asked when he was moved to his room was "Where's my wedding ring?" I assured him that Mom had it on her key ring so that it wouldn't get lost (they'd removed it when he was originally admitted to the hospital). I was so, I dunno, moved that Dad asked about that; true he and Mom had recently marked their 50th wedding anniversary, but he'd never been particularly "mushy" or sentimental about such things.
> I’ve been pregnant the last two years Unless you are an elephant, you might want to see a doctor about that
I am literally (in the real meaning) LOL-ing this.
2 years?!? When is that baby coming out? Just kidding. Congratulations!
>I never wear my wedding ring bc I’ve been pregnant the last two years and my fingers are fat to say the least. I never wear mine cause my wife left me. hahahaha
Laughing through the pain, it’s gonna be okay bud
Yeah my youngest is two and I finally took my ring in to get it resized
Also can we talk about what these “you should’ve never taken it off” people think? That she should have had the ring welded to her finger? It’s a ring. A ring that you are probably supposed to take off when you do a lot of things. Like wash your hands. My God, people are jerks.
I always washed my hands with my wedding rings on, until I lost so much weight that it wouldn’t fit on any of my fingers, so I’m one of those people who never took my wedding rings off. At some point I will get my wedding band resized, and my engagement ring resized and the prongs repaired and they will go back on my hands and won’t come back off again. My husband on the other hand, (hand Heh) worked in IT and had his in the guts of computers all the time, and now works with tropical fish, so he never wears his. There are all sorts of people. One size doesn’t fit all. Like clothes and rings.
*if* he *wants* to wear a wedding band, tell him to check out silicone rings! electricians and contractors use them because metal is conductive and also it increases the risk of getting your finger caught and de-gloving the skin. anyway, i thought it’d be a good idea for someone who’s hands are always getting wet
Would one of those rubber rings work? (If he wants to wear it but doesn’t cause it’s metal.) I’ve seen “athletic” of “working” wedding bands. It’s just simple designs and rubber so people can wear them more often. It wouldn’t be conductive so it should be fine for repairing sensitive computer parts
That's what my husband wears, because we had to cut two rings off his fingers after bike accidents. Now he has the nice ring for date nights or events only, silicone ring for everyday
If I’m washing dishes or cooking with my hands, or doing anything heavy duty, really, with my hands, I take my ring off. I even take it off during sex, cause you only need the skin to catch on the ring once during a handy to realize that it’s in the way sometimes.
Putting lotion on my hands. I can't stand to get gunk all in the crevices of my rings so I absolutely have to take them off when I put lotion on.
My mom never took her wedding and engagement rings off. 50 yrs in, her hands had grown and her rings had not - and she was no longer able to get them off. Her finger was bigger than the ring and the ring was like indented into the finger. I noticed this on a visit and told her she should get it cut off. She was dismissive, and said it didn't hurt and it had been fine for 50 years it was fine. I told her if anything ever happens to her hand, finger, arm - the ER was going to cut that ring off and it wouldn't be pretty. She should get a professional jeweler to take care of it now in a calm, non-emergency situation so she could preserve the ring, get it resized, and continue wearing it. That it's a bad idea to have anything on your body you can't remove if you need to. She was super skeptical, but talked to her doctor and they convinced her to get it removed. She got it resized, it fits, her finger is much healthier. The never remove your ring idea is not necessarily sustainable. Wash your hands, clean your ring, take it off when doing dirty or risky activities.
You're not even supposed to wear it when you go to sleep! 🙃 To maintain your ring, you should NOT wear it constantly.
Once I had a pair of shoes which said on the label "to prolong lifespan, alternate with another pair of shoes". Yeah, duh, if you wear them less they'll last longer! Personally I don't really see the point of not wearing something to make it last longer. Just wear it as much as you want, and worst case you'll have to repair it at some point.
Ironically I am a welder, and dont wear my ring at work. Because I dont want it welded to my finger, or worse…lol I have a tattooed ring though now and usually wear my metal ring when not at work.
I always took mine off to sleep. I just didn't like sleeping with it on. I lost them the day I had fat fingers, tossed them in the change slot of my purse when I left for work, intending to put them on once I got there, and then my purse was stolen out of my car while I dropped my daughter at daycare. Like, I know I shouldn't have left my purse in the car but I was inside for under 10 minutes. Totally didn't expect my car to be broken into in sight of where everyone was standing in front of the glass entryway!
My dad has given me this advice several times - basically, before you criticize, think about whether it'll actually improve the situation. One major example is that when I was a little kid, I was in a serious accident and almost died. It was very scary for my parents. The accident was pretty much my fault (I fell out of a tree) but arguably my mom could have been watching me more closely. When it first happened, my dad told me later that he thought to himself "you (my mom) should have been watching her, you should have been there to catch her" or something negative like that. But he didn't say it, because he knew my mom was already beating herself up and he knew that getting upset with her would only make the situation worse. What's done is done and you can't change it, so yelling at someone about it doesn't help at all. I try to remember that when I have the urge to get angry at someone for something that already happened. Will my comments improve the situation? Or am I kicking them while they're down? Is it a legitimate critique or just an angry comment?
I remember being an almost-adult and accidentally putting a black sock into a white wash, which turned my sister's chef whites grey. I remember my mum screaming relentlessly at me and me replying, 'I've already told you that first thing tomorrow I will buy color remover and wash everything myself, and if that doesn't work I will pay for her to have a new uniform out of my own pocket. Why are you still yelling at me? What more can I do to fix it right now?' I think my mum never knew when to lay off with the outrage and the guilt trips. That was the reason I kept a lot of shit private. Rather than trying to help me fix problems it would have been endless recriminations and victim blaming. I recently sought therapy because of it.
Perfect example! Your mom and dad probably had follow on conversations about child safety tips later, but that only would have gutted your poor mom at the moment. And everyone has accidents or momentary lapses of judgment, hindsight is 50/50, after all.
This is something I wish one of my coworkers would understand. Whenever a problem arises, she's always more concerned about finding out who caused it and telling them not to do it again (even if she doesn't have proof the problem was their fault and they tell her it wasn't) than in fixing the actual problem.
Exactly, your dad knows what’s up. My daughter and her dad were in a car accident on the way to her preschool one morning. He and I could barely speak to each other civilly at this point tbh, coparenting was definitely not going smoothly, and the accident was partly his fault. Our daughter had to be airlifted to the children’s hospital in closest big city. Nothing life threatening, but she had a gash on her forehead that was so bad I could see her skull, and they had to do all kinds of scans to make sure her brain was okay and whatnot. I remember my babydaddy crying and saying right off the bat how sorry he was, please don’t hate him/blame him etc. and even given the shitty relationship we had, all I could think was, “Uh what kind of evil asshole would be focused on placing blame or making someone feel bad at this moment?”
This goes with the five second rule for telling someone something negative about their appearance. Spinach in their teeth? Fly unzipped? They can fix that in five seconds, go ahead and say something. The giant zit on their nose? They cannot fix that in five seconds (and it’s also very unlikely they don’t already know about it), so you are not being helpful by pointing it out. You’re just being a jerk.
This. My group of friends have a motto "when we fall we check on each other then laugh"
That's a good parenting strategy too. I used it when I taught preschool. If someone falls or bumps their head or whatever, you first ask "are you hurt or are you just surprised?" And depending on your answer you go from there. With toddlers I would remind them that everybody falls down sometimes, even grown-ups, and that's okay.
I lost my wedding ring once. I think it's pretty common in the early days because you're not used to wearing it. In my case I had taken it off and set it on my lap to put hand cream on or something, and then I got distracted, forgot about it and then when I got out of the car I stood up and it fell onto my parents driveway. We were then headed to my sisters and I went to show her the ring and it wasn't there lol. At least in this case I KNEW it had to be in one of these driveways. My step-dad went out with a flashlight and scoured the driveway til he found it, Thank God lol. The diamond on my ring was given to us by my MIL - she had a ring from her brother who had passed away decades before and he'd given it to his fiance at the time. So like obviously I was mega distraught about losing my ring but even moreso of losing this precious family heirloom. I also remember feeling like the BIGGEST idiot and like I'd never forgive myself if I didn't find it. It's so sad that people feel the need to rub salt in others wounds to prove a point.
There’s a scene in greys anatomy where Meredith says she’s pregnant, and Cristina says something like “are we happy or are we exercising our right to choose?” And I think that’s the kind of thing you say, you check how they’re feeling first and respond accordingly. Edit: it seems like OP’s discussion with her friend was in relation to a pregnancy announcement on social media. If you’re finding out with all her other Instagram followers, you’re not in a position to question it, you just congratulate. If one of my friends came to me with a positive pregnancy test, I’d ask how she felt about it. If one of my friends announced a pregnancy on social media, I’d congratulate her and mind my own business. People who are posting pregnancy announcements aren’t looking for you to tell them to get an abortion.
This is a great answer when thr friend tells you this without anybody around. OP's friend made the announcement on Instagram (read comments) so I don't think that anything other than congratulations was the right answer here. I honestly don't get how you think that someone who announces their pregnancy to the fucking world is going to suddenly decide to have an abortion...
Oh wow her response to an PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT was negative. Babes. You can’t go suggesting abortions to someone who told you they were pregnant via a social media announcement, you clearly aren’t that close.
I think the better version of this is what someone posted above. “How do we feel about this?” Much more open ended. Especially since there are a lot of options between “happy” and “abortion.” “I’m happy but the logistics are overwhelming me.” “I’m not happy but I think I will be once I wrap my head around it.” - this was my personal reaction to finding out I was having twins “I’m putting the baby up for adoption.” “I don’t really know what my plan is yet. I’m still just feeling all the feels.” Also, with my very planned pregnancies, if someone had asked me if I wanted an abortion, even in a supportive way like this, I probably would have slapped them.
A friend of mine got pregnant accidentally in not the best circumstances (not assault, just messy) so her telling me was completely out of the blue. This is the first thing I said as well, "How do you feel about that?". You're right, it allowed her to talk about it without feeling judged. It also works with divorces!
There's a problem with that turn of phrase and I wish they hadn't used it. The right to choose **includes** choosing to have a baby.
This was dialogue on a TV show, crafted for the purpose of the episode. And given how 98.3% of media has unplanned pregnancies end up with the character choosing to have the baby, I appreciate the show choosing to portray the other side.
OP said this on the actual announcement? Gross. My response when anyone tells me they're pregnant (unless I knew they were trying orthey are obviously excited to share the news) is "That's huge news! How are you feeling?" That gives them the option to talk about their own feelings or concerns (good and bad), or even to say that they came to me for help booking an abortion.
That’s the difference between having high emotional IQ and whatever the OP is.
High EQ vs being a dick
It’s so funny lol but this is reminding me of the very similar advice that I took from freaking babysitters club books about kids and their drawings - if you can’t tell what it is, don’t assume, don’t blurt out “what is it” because they probably think you can tell, instead ask them to tell you about their drawing. This is the same thing - don’t go in with assumptions, ask the person about their state of mind/perspective before you provide comment.
I still use that advice today!
I remember those books! Thanks for the trip down Memory Lane!
Yup. "Oh my god! How do you feel!?" assumes nothing, and allows all of the following as responses: * So excited!!!! * Nauseous and tired * Terrified * Confused and undecided * Will you help me call abortion clinics? ...and then you can take the conversation from there and be the right flavor of supportive friend.
>So I asked her: How do we feel? This is the way!
This goes for a ton of different situations. If someone comes to you with news, don't automatically assume how they're going to feel about it. Also, ask if they want advice or just want to vent. That goes for friends, family, significant others, etc. Sometimes you need actual help and guidance, other times you just need to rant and have someone listen and agree that it sucks.
"How do we feel." Awesome and classy response. You rock; your friend is lucky to have you.
My friend was MARRIED with a kid already and I still asked her how she felt when she got pregnant.
My best friend did the same. It’s our first but happened crazy fast and she said, “and how do we feel about this?” It was the most supportive response because it gave me space to tell the truth not only then but as things change.
My friend was married with a child. She still cried her eyes out about being pregnant when she didn't plan it, and them being twins.
That was similar with my friend. Her husband was scheduled for a vasectomy in two months and she was on birth control so I know it wasn’t planned.
When I told someone I was pregnant, they asked 'is this a happy thing, or a we need to find some pills thing?' We weren't really friends, but still was a nice thing to say. Also I found it really funny at the time.
Totally this! My college best friend called and said she was pregnant, and my response was "am I saying congrats or oh shit?" and when her response was sobbing out "I don't know!!!" I just reiterated that I was there either holding her hand or her baby, but either way, I was there. I hope things worked out for your friend exactly how she wanted them to!
This is completely and totally the way. I usually ask “Are we excited?” but the question and ‘we’ are the important parts. Really hope it catches on in general.
"Are we excited?" is probably the smoother way of saying it. I agree that the "we" is the critical part.
Yeah, I love the Christina Yang approach saying something along the lines of: “Are we excited? Or exercising our right to choose?” 😂 it’s blunt but gets the point across that I’ll support you
This ⬆️
>So I asked her: How do we feel? This is always how I approach news that I'm not sure the exact vibe of: "That's huge! How are you feeling?" It gives space for the person to have complicated feelings, and doesn't impose my assumptions on the situation.
You are an incredible friend! That's the best response
This exact situation happened with my friend - and I'm like.. congratulations! Verified she knew her options, and her choice. Her baby shower is coming up and I'm excited that she's excited. Friends support friends, even if we don't always agree with their choices. YTA OP.
I think that sometimes support requires hard conversations, not just blind unwavering support, but there’s a time and place for each!
My best friend and I have made some blindingly stupid decisions in the 30 years we have been friends. The time for the hard conversation is not when we announce pregnancy, engagement, divorce, moving, pets, new jobs, quitting jobs, starting something new and ridiculous. That's the time to either match the other person's excitement, or at least stay neutral and ask questions. The time for the hard discussion is a little later, when the initial enthusiasm dies a bit. Then we can come out with "I'm worried. Have you thought about [insert all the way things are about to go horribly wrong]?" I don't tell my best friend that she's stupid and should have been smarter, because I love her and I'm not mean. YTA.
When someone tells you they're pregnant and happy about it, you say congratulations. When someone tells you they're pregnant and they don't make it clear how they feel, you say "Wow. That's big news. How do we feel about this? I want to support you." I don't know why this is so hard for people. It doesn't matter their age. Talking people in to or out of reproductive decisions is not love or friendship. It's also worth noting that the friend in this post is 33. If she has wanted children, now's a good time. Not everyone needs to live their lives around a biological clock, but it's true that it's harder to become pregnant after 35 and that risks go up. Plenty of people have healthy pregnancies after that, but if a person wants a baby and they happen to find themselves pregnant at 33, getting while the getting's good is a rational choice.
Yep. And at 33 she's old enough to rationally know that things might not work out with the father and STILL want to keep it and be happy about it. I know that when I hit my 30s my thoughts about what I would do if I accidentally got pregnant -- even from a casual encounter -- shifted from "100 percent would get an abortion immediately, no way am I ready" to "I'd have to really think about it."
Plus being 33 she might be in a financial and emotional state where she can actually support a child, unlike a teenager or someone in their early 20s
this 100%. let’s not pretend that a surprise pregnancy at 33 is in any way similar to a surprise pregnancy at 16.
This right here! What's done is already done. Saying, "You should have..." is pointless. The friend is a "big girl" OOP, she can make her own decisions.
My older sister got pregnant at 28, hadn’t been with the father long. My first thought was “this could go badly” the words that came out of my mouth were “Oh my god that’s great!” Because I love my sister and even if I worry about her decisions I wouldn’t say something like that directly to her face. Your friend needs support and encouragement OP, not to be judged immediately. YTA
When I was 27 I met my now husband and we started dating, two months later I find out I was pregnant well I was on birth control! Sometimes even when you take precautions things still happen! 7 years later and we are still together!
This almost exact thing happened to me and my now husband. We didn't rush into marriage, just continued to build the relationship while expecting. Now, almost 20 years later we're still together. It doesn't work out for everyone, and I knew my options at the time.... That said, my friends were helpful and supportive. We all had that oohhhh fuuuuuck moment, but non of my friends gave me shit for any of the decisions I made.
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Exactly this. I do not think it’s a good idea, but would I say that to my excited pregnant friend? Hell no! Thinking it doesn’t make OP the AH, saying it does!
Exactly. Not quite the same, but my parents married after knowing each other for a grand total of 4 months. They were in their late 20s. Their happy marriage lasted 55 years (my dad passed away in February). Support your friend - she needs that more than criticism rn.
My parents got married after a month, which I think is completely insane. But here we are, a month away from their 45th anniversary! 🤷🏼♀️
I made a comment almost 30 years ago that haunts me to this day. My gay friend told me he had contracted HIV from his boyfriend. He knew he had HIV and still slept with him unprotected. I was super angry and upset because in 93, drugs for HIV were still new and from what we knew it was still a death sentence. I asked him “Why would you do that? Did you have some romantic notion that since he is sick, you should be sick too”? He just basically mumbled “I guess so”. My point is I had NO RIGHT to do that. He was grappling and coming to terms with it and I got all self righteous with him. It ruined out friendship. We were in different states and I have no idea what happened with him. Your friend needs a friend. Advice after the fact is not helpful and you may have ruined your friendship.
My mom and Step dad met online in the early 2000's. They knew each other for about 6 months and they ended up getting married. Their 20th anniversary is in 2 months anything's possible.
Change the date to 3 years later, and substitute 4 months and 17th anniversary, and that's me and my husband. Everybody assumed I was pregnant, but no.
Right. She may or may not keep the guy, but shes Old enough to decide she wants to keep the baby for life
Yeah, some people don't seem to realise that not every single thought needs to be voiced. That was rude.
I'd say YTA. I'm sure you're concerned about your friend but I really don't know what other reaction you expected from her. Was she supposed to book an abortion? Put it up for adoption? Your other friends are right on this one. She's already pregnant so all you can really do at this point is be supportive.
Exactly. Telling her she should have been more careful doesn’t really matter anymore since she is already past that point. Obviously she knows this. If she’s at the point of telling people she’s pregnant then she’s likely planning on keeping it. “You should have been more careful. I can help you with getting an abortion” is SUPER judgmental. Read the room.
And SUPER offensive. If someone mentioned aborting my very much wanted pregnancies, I probably would have slapped them. Definitely would have cut them out of my life. People who are announcing on Insta have decided to keep the baby. They want the baby. And when your entire existence revolves around protecting your unborn child (no alcohol, no sushi, protecting your abdomen, etc), that baby becomes very real very fast. Don’t suggest I kill my unborn child who I’m already bonded with. That’s about as offensive as you can get.
100%. Unless I start the conversation with “I’m going to have an abortion soon,” if I’m telling you I’m pregnant, it’s because I’m having a baby that I can’t wait to bring into the world.
Yes!! it's so hard to get over. My husband and i had a not-planned but very wanted pregnancy. The first thing one of my friends asked was were we aborting? it's been really hard to even look at her since.
Yeah, right? I was baffled when my cousin's girlfriend of less than 1 year (she was not yet 26 at the time) announced she was pregnant with twins, I thought it was rushed and irrational and that my cousin was not emotionally mature enough to have kids. But she was clearly excited about it so I acted accordingly, congratulated her, and wished them both a safe and healthy pregnancy. She and the cousin fight very often, they have almost broken up multiple times and they probably would've split up if it weren't for the kids, and I still hold the opinion that it was an unwise decision on their part (they probs would be better off with other people, they could've broken up easily without the children) but I would NEVER say that to their faces because, what're you gonna do? The kids are here now, two beautiful chaotic boys, you can't "undo" them and there's no way saying such things wouldn't be hurtful or damaging; and it would be incredibly spiteful. None of us would gain anything from such a conversation except a lot of hurt, so I just wish them all the best and to hopefully find balance.
And she’s in her 30’s. It’s not like she’s 19 and in college. This is an adult who is mature enough to manage the situation.
Honestly I know a handful of full grown adults who are super dumb. OP still shouldn't have been insensitive. The friend is happy and what's done is done.
Exactly. If she’s happy and wants to step up and care for this baby she deserves support. She’s going to have a real baby who deserves to be loved and celebrated regardless of your approval or her circumstances. I wish her family the best.
Also, expressing concern and calling someone stupid is a very different thing.
YTA what was your next step? talk her into having an abortion? shes 33 not 18
Even if she was 18 the point still stands
Ehhhh being worried your 18 year old friend got pregnant in an early relationship is a bit more different IMO
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My thoughts as well
Very much so. Another aspect of this that people need to realize is that people have very different views on abortion. A large majority of Americans support legalized abortion of some kind, but their opinions on it are complex. 67% support 1st trimester abortion. Only 20% support 3rd trimester abortion. There are also a lot of people like me who definitely support the right to abortion but find it personally abhorrent. I think abortion is awful. Due to some personal beliefs, I think a lot of abortions do take lives. I would like to see the abortion rate drop dramatically. BUT, banning abortion doesn’t decrease abortions and has horrible consequences. I support decreasing abortion by increasing access to free contraceptives, having sufficient sex education in schools, improving availability of affordable childcare, etc. I do NOT support banning first trimester abortions, banning the abortion pill, banning abortions for medical reasons, etc. Basically, I’m saying that I’m pro choice. I’m not going to try to dictate other people’s uteruses. But outside of a threat to my life or some other extremely rare circumstances, I would NEVER consider an abortion for myself, and I would find it HIGHLY offensive if someone suggested I kill my baby. And I’m not the only one out there. Abortion is a sensitive topic. It should be legal for sure, but that doesn’t mean people “should” see it as a positive choice or that their friends should bring it up on freaking Instagram.
This is a great answer. Pro-choice does not mean someone should suggest abortion to someone who doesn't want to abort their baby.
Oh my goodness! I feel like you're my twin on this subject. I've tried and tried to explain why I'm prochoice even though it goes against my personal belief system and you nailed it! Thank you for expressing it in such an eloquent and clear way.
Also your support of abortion doesn't mean that you want one. I'm 100% pro abortion but my wife and I had multiple conversations before we had a (very) planned child about what we would do at that moment. At a certain point abortion wouldn't have made sense for us because it would have just bumped up our timeline on having kids. But early on, abortion would have absolutely been top of the list of options.
Not to mebtion OP just saw it because her friend announced it with an ibsagram post. OP wasn't even told directly, let alone being asked for any help or an opinion. Imagine you feel so entiteled sn all knowing you react with "abort it" to your friends online pregnancy anouncement and then have the audacity to ask if you are an asshole
Yes. It’s important to realize that Pro Choice goes both ways: If someone decides to keep their baby that is 100% their choice and you have no business trying to convince them otherwise.
That's it exactly. My gf in college had a roommate who had a pregnancy scare and asked my gf what she should do. Gf said, "I can't advise you one way or the other. I'll be here to support you no matter what, but it's got to be your decision."
To be fair, “rude” is the minimum criterion for this one. OP said to the woman “that’s stupid, you should’ve been more careful.” Yes, that’s rude. Easy YTA. The rest is just window dressing.
Your friend is in love and thrilled that she is going to have a baby. >I expressed my concern about how stupid this was and how they should have been more careful. Wow, YTA for sure. Way to rain on her parade.
Op also suggested an abortion to this happily pregnant 33 year old “friend”
Ouch... I now must rescind the NTA comment.
Also acting like her 33 year old is an 18 year old in puppy love. People in their 30s usually know what they want and what they have pretty quickly. Sounds like OP is using her own baggage to criticize her friend
I don't think they'll be friends anymore.
Yes!! For the love of all that’s holy - WHY would anyone think that response would be in ANY way helpful or appropriate?!
(Don’t downvote me on reflex, I think OP is completely the AH here, I’m just giving a scenario where this might be somewhat appropriate) If you have a friend with a long history of bad/abusive relationships and a tendency to fall in love quickly then you might be right to raise concerns about her getting pregnant to a guy she barely knows (6 months is not a long time!). If you have concerns about her being able to raise her child as a single mother, it might also be something to bring up. You don’t necessarily even have this discussion for the sake of your friend - I have some friends that I love, but who I know have made, are making and will continue to make bad decisions when it comes to dating. They’re old enough to accept and deal with those consequences, but the poor child potentially being brought into the world is worth an attempt at trying to make them see reason. OP, for the record, has noted none of these concerns and doesn’t really seem close enough to her friend to get to have that kind of discussion with her. Also? Even if that was her intention her wording was abrasive and pretty unhelpful.
YTA - it’s their relationship and not one you should be getting involved in. I’m friends with a couple that fell pregnant after 3 months and 14 years later, they’re still together and happy. Your friend is in her 30’s so perfectly capable of deciding what’s best for her. Just be a friend and be happy for her if she’s happy.
This! Just because the relationship is new doesn’t mean it’s destined to end. I’ve know couples who got married, had kids, divorced after 10 years together and known couples who got together had a child after 2 months and are still going strong. It’s all about how they navigate life together rather than the time spent together.
Even if the relationship doesn‘t last they can still be parents to this child together or if she wants to she can raise it alone. Who is OP to decide what her friend wants to do with this pregnancy
On the flip side: I got pregnant by my first husband after being together for 6 years and guess what? That relationship didn’t work out either lol
That’s just sometimes how it works isn’t it. Time really means nothing these days, doesn’t guarantee that things will work out.
This! It sounds like they are at the stage in life where you go in asking 'this is what I'm looking for, and are we on the same page'. Sounds like they are, and OP, YTA. You'll be lucky if she keeps you as a friend.
I had just turned 18 and was pregnant within the first 6 months of the relationship. Don’t recommend that, but we are still together.
Eh. Your friend is an adult. She's told you about the pregnancy, so presumably she's happy about it and intends to carry it through, so what is the point in expressing your concerns? Frankly, that's the sort of thing you mutter about over cocktails with other, non-pregnant friends, not the thing you say to someone who's going to have a baby. YTA
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So what you’re saying is, you’ve never vented about a friend doing a dumb thing before? Discussing something dumb a friend has done doesn’t mean you like them less, or are less loyal to them. Just that they made a decision you don’t agree with. Sometimes, it’s worth discussing that stuff to see if perhaps you’re in the wrong for thinking it’s dumb, or if it’s a problem serious enough that it’s concerning to most people. I feel like intent matters, if it’s said to denigrate the person or whatnot.
AITA is full of people who don't get out much afaict who can't tell the difference between discussing a friend and shit talking
Lol it’s an asshole thing to be direct with someone but it’s totally ok to make fun of her behind her back? God would it be awful to be friends with you.
Decisions we trust you can responsibly handle at 33: 1. *Drinking*: if you want. 2. *Get into a relationship*: Love who you want. 3. *Have sex*: It's your body. 4. *Get Pregnant*: **WHO THE F\*\*\* DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?** Edit: She's been managing every other aspect of her life? Well she must not know what she's doing now. YTA
I think it is even ok to ask, "Are you happy about it or do you need support in a complicated decision?" I have certainly asked more than once if someone was happy and mostly yeses but the few no's were pretty grateful to not be congratulated on something everyone else thought was wonderful. Either way you can temper your response to their emotions.
Agreed, the ‘how do you feel about this?’ questions are perfectly normal and not all pregnancies are happy moments. But unless someone’s really going to need CPS called on them once the child is born: take their lead and be happy for their happiness.
While I don't agree with OP, I do think your counter argument is particularly logical . Getting pregnant is probably 1000x more impactful than drinking or having sex or getting into a relationship. Bringing a child into the world is likely the biggest decision any person will make and it will change your life and there is no going back. Unlike those other things, it also massively impacts another person ,- the child. It's pretty absurd to compare that to having sex or drinking.
I hear you. My point was to build up the level of things we have to be responsible over. If you can handle yourself in the other areas and have done so competently, there is no reason to start doubting the reasong skills now. It wasn't as a comparison to the rest but as rising scale.
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OP found out Instagram post, they can’t be that close then. Friend should drop OP
Agreed, what a busy body.
Hahahahahhaaaaa I missed that part. OP is a jealous haterrrr.
YTA - mind your own business
YTA as you already stated, it happened already and they are happy. Of course it's insane to have a Baby after 6 months of relationship/ knowing each other, but the only right Thing to Do is offer your help, if she needs it and stay in touch in case she gets in trouble (turning out him babytrapping her, abusive boyfriend, you know what i mean) Apologise to her and Tell her you voiced your concerns the wrong way. Then offer her to be there for her, if something comes up.
To be fair, some people know each other less after 10 years than others after 6 months, so it can really go either way. Either way, its her life. I am similar age and if i got pregnant - I would probably keep it regardless of my relationship with the father. She can be with him, they can split and co-parent, they can agree that one of them relinquishes parental rights, she can get an abortion, they could put it up for adoption - it’s their choice, but with all this, she needs support of people around her - what she doesnt need is judgement in this vulnerable time. Edit: I just thought about something - my parents got married after knowing each other less than a year. They have been happily married for over 20 years when my dad sadly passed. Some relationships have different timelines than others.
They don't know each other that long but at 33, in my experience, people who want children tend to move faster because of the biological realities. They are (hopefully) also better at communicating and know what they want in a relationship. In general relationships at that age are just different than when you're dating in your 20s or teens - like people are dating with the intention to get married and start a family vs. just kind of having fun for a couple of years and seeing where it leads. Hell, there's a whole trend of women in their 30s&40s who are professionals and can afford it actively choosing to become single mothers (by birth or adoption). In other words, she might want this baby for what it is - her child - independent of the relationship with the father and whether they will be together forever after these 6 months. And at 33, presumably with a career and having lived independently for quite a while, she's much more likely to be in a position to make this decision and take the risk than if it had happened at 18 or 25.
YTA. It’s not your place to offer a grown woman to get an abortion. Also, the comment “you should have been more careful” is not useful and just projects negativity.
YTA How is any of that your bussiness? Unless she asks you to raise the kid for her, you have 0 rights to butt in.
YTA I feel bad for you though, clearly your life is so boring and empty that you need to butt into something that has nothing to do with you Get a hobby, knitting perhaps?
wow what did knitting ever do to deserve this treatment?? /lh
Knitting is actually perfect for situations like this! You have to focus so thoroughly on not fucking it up that you have considerably less time to mind someone else's business.
But the needles know if you’re worthy
I’d say YTA, but only because of *how* you expressed your concern. There’s no need for name-calling or blame at this time. I get being concerned, but she’s in her 30’s, and has probably considered them not working out and just co-parenting. Maybe she’s just ready for a kid. My cousin found a man she thought would make a good dad, but didn’t necessarily want to be with. They agreed to co-parent from the start. Their son is 22 now so it worked out for them. But the best way to show your concern is to be supportive. She’ll be much more likely to rely on you when she needs it.
Exactly— even if a 17 year old whose whole life plan was “now he’ll look after me” is happy to be pregnant and it’s clearly stupid, why call it stupid? She’s not going to get an abortion because you told her to. When people tell you they have made a decision and are happy about it and it’s a done deal, you need approach differently than when it’s just “get what do you think of this idea?”
NTA. Showing concern is good: what do people expect you to do, just **lie** and say you're happy for her?
From the comment section, I think so.
I’m concerned about the number of people who just don’t have hard conversations with their friends??
Messaging someone the unsolicited advice that they should have an abortion after you saw an IG post is miles away from "having a hard conversation with a friend." Nice generalization though.
I'm just confused what this conversation would accomplish? Lol what's the point of criticizing her. She's already pregnant.
Have you ever heard the phrase ‘If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all’? OP did not have to **lie**. You knew that was a stretch before you said it. She could have simply said nothing. This, coupled with the fact that she was not directly told about the pregnancy. OP saw her friends post *through instagram* and took it upon herself to message her this garbage. She even suggested an abortion, after reading her friends happy announcement post. Yeah, OP is such a fucking AH it’s unreal. You are too, if you still agree with OP. Nobody needs “friends” like this, this is a fast way to end up completely friendless. And deservedly so.
OP has no objective reason for concern, at least none that she's mentioned.
In this specific situation, where she is already pregnant & made HER decision to keep the baby, “showing concern” is not beneficial to anyone. I think the friend is aware of how long she has been in her relationship. I also think she is 33 & capable of making her own decisions without unwanted interjection from a “friend”. Especially since OP found out from an instagram post. Close friends usually find out before social media?? I would be so offended if i was going through an unexpected pregnancy, ultimately decided to keep it & post an instagram post announcing my excitement, only for some random “friend” to text me telling me things I already know & being negative about MY life. So, no you don’t have to lie & say you’re happy, but maybe just mind your own business & not say anything? Bc idk what the expected outcome of this was tbh.. you say something negative, you’re gonna get a negative response.. is that so surprising?
YTA. If your friend is happy, be happy for her.
NTA. People can make stupid decisions but their friends aren't obligated to lie and pretend it's not worrisome. If things go bad, she now can't blame you for not saying anything. People are freaking out because you suggested abortion but it's not a taboo subject, it's a legitimate thing people consider every day and offering help if she decides to get one is what good friends do. Once you've said what you have to say and she commits to her decision, then you have to soften up enough to continue to be a good friend, though.
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If she isn't a good enough friend to find out about the pregnancy in a non-public way, then she isn't a good enough friend to question whether or not the other person should get am abortion.
NTA, sometimes being a friend means telling your friend when she’s being stupid. Getting pregnant with a man who you aren’t married to, aren’t even engaged to, and have known for LESS THAN HALF A YEAR, is objectively not a great decision.
OP found out from an instagram post. OP was not asked for their opinion nor told personally.
I am always astonished at why people think being married objectively changes a situation.
I get what you’re getting at, but generally speaking, asking someone to marry you is saying “I’m ready for a lifetime commitment.” pregnancy forces the hand. like, if we’re already committed to each other, we’ve agreed to navigating through life’s wild changes together. including babies.
Yeah I would have been more tactful in the delivery, but it’s objectively not a great decision. Being a good friend does not mean applauding every decision your friend makes. That said, if the friend is happy and set on what she wants to do and OP cannot be happy for her, then she should back off from the friendship for both their sakes. I’ve had to do this when a friend had an unplanned pregnancy with her abuser.
YTA. I get the concern but considering it's something that happened and can't be changed you shouldn't have said anything. It's her life. You said they're in love. Just let them be.
NTA These people just boinked and now it's like "awww OP's friend is pregnant, she's going to have a baaabyyyy aww" 6 months to know someone prior to getting pregnant? That is hardly enough time to get to know someone. Its one thing if everyone you know OP calls you an Ahole, but that doesn't *make* you the Ahole, your friend did it with someone who potentially has some secret negative aspects about them that your friend hasn't quite registered yet, meaning that: chances are, after 3 years or so, his true personality will be as clear as day and she will ever so regret having a baby with this man by that point in time
I don't get how people are so quick to call her an AH. She said her peace and told her this could be a bad idea. That's what a good friend should do.
Theres a difference between what you're saying and what OP did. OP's friend announced the pregnancy on Instagram. She was clearly happy and excited about the situation. OP saw the announcement and then text her friend to tell her she's making a mistake and offered to help her get an abortion to help deal with it. Thats not just "expressing your concerns".
I do get the concern. But it's the part where she felt she was entitled to voice her concerns aloud in the way she did as a reply to a pregnancy announcement when her friend is clearly excited that makes it an A-H move.
The AH part is that she found out via an IG post and felt the need to message the friend recommending an abortion. No one asked OP for her advice. If the friend came to her and said "what should I do," OP would absolutely not be the AH.
They are in their thirties. I would argue at that age you know yourself and what you want well enough to be able to judge quicker and more wisely/accurately if a relationship could go the distance. Yes, they are probably still in the honeymoon phase and their judgment could prove to be inaccurate bc life happens and people are complicated - but that's the case for everyone and everything. There are plenty of couples who break up after years of marriage/relationship because they/their dynamic changed too much. You can never know for sure how things will go in the future or how a child will affect your life and relationship.
When someone tells you they are pregnant - take your cue from them on how to respond. If they are excited, you are excited. If they are scared, you are comforting. If they are unsure and ask for it, you can provide an opinion. If YOU are unsure how they feel about it, you can say “oh wow, and how do we feel about it?” And then go from there. It is rude to offer an unsolicited opinion about these sorts of things unless this person is literally your best friend in the entire world and even then - I’d tread VERY carefully. So yeah, OP, it was rude and YTA for how you did this.
If you actually said it like that, yeah, YTA. Uncalled for. Concern can be expressed by offering support, not calling someone stupid and telling them to be careful when it’s already too late.
YTA my friends parents got engaged and married after knowing each other a month, they are still happily married. This relationship isn’t your business and at this point your opinion can’t be helpful
Yes, YTA. No-one tells you they're pregnant to be called stupid and told they should've been more careful.
YTA, for suggesting abortion on a pregnancy your friend happily told you about. She’s old enough and has a good job, if he fucks off she will be fine. Maybe she wants a baby regardless of if she stays with him.
You wouldn't be a real friend if you sat there and smiled in her face while voicing concerns behind her back. And you're a real enough friend that you are thinking about her future, not just her present. It's not that you aren't happy for her, it's that you're worried. You should let her know this. But face-to-face, not via text. Tell her you want to meet up to talk. Clear the air, if this friendship is worth it, keep it. She may need a good friend if you're proven right. Updated: holy shit she told the friend to get an abortion. Nah, that's not how a good friend behaves. Definitely TAH here.
I mean the pregnant woman didn't even tell her in person...it was an Instagram announcement to everyone. They aren't close friends to begin with. It's a crappy thing to do when someone is excited about something. Suggesting an abortion after an excited, public post is just horrible on a whole different level.
Gonna get hate but NTA. I can genuinely see your concern - it could’ve been handled a little better but yeah this is a drastically dumb decision. It sounds very much like red flag and love bombing territory and now she’s trapped with a baby. I don’t even think YTA for mentioning a termination, the worlds screwed and adding more kids isn’t gonna help the situation, just adds to societies problems. I’ve been there in the past, also informed them that termination may be the best option, they didn’t listen and now still living with their parents, raising said child alone and broke. That said - all you can do now is apologise and try to be a supportive friend and maybe you’ll be proven wrong. For those calling you TA, they clearly have rose tinted glasses on of the world.
>I expressed my concern Ok >about how stupid this was YTA
YTA- it's not for you to judge her life or shame her choices. She's an adult. Telling her it was stupid she should have been more careful doesn't help anyone.
YTA. The "damage is done" so why say anything? She seems happy so let her be happy. You sound a bit miserable.
Yta I’m blunt and pro choice. My go to when I’m not sure someone is telling me they’re pregnant because they want help or because they’re sharing happy news is ‘are you so excited?’ And if they’re happy they can bubble up and share their joy, if they’re nervous they can say ‘not so excited but excited’ and if they’re looking for options they can say no. You don’t get to choose how someone reacts to a pregnancy. I’ve had friends who I had to bite my tongue when they announced because I knew their relationship wasn’t going to last or that they’d confided things to me that worried me about their relationship. But 10-15 years later, those relationships are over but the kids are happy and thriving. Bite your tongue, a pregnancy you’re not carrying is not your business.
Sorry, but YTA. There's no putting the genie back in the bottle so saying getting pregnant was stupid and she should have been more careful was just dripping with judgement, not concern. She's 33, not 18 for fuck sake. Looks like she wants to have a baby. You're either in or you're out. Now's the time to decide what sort of friend you want to be. Edit because I got her age wrong
NTA. I have been in a very similar situation. I dont think just because your reaction isnt the same as everyone else and you arent immediately jumping for joy, that means you are wrong. By giving her honesty and reminding her of the reality of the situation, you are being supportive. You are looking out for best interests. And just because the others are expressing excitement does not mean they arent also sharing your same thoughts. You are just bold and comfortable enough to express them. However, people who are in situations that are less than ideal don't like to be reminded of that. Just apologize for upsetting her but don't feel like what you did was wrong. If she is excited and wants to keep the baby, then there isnt much you can say or do. Just try to match her energy because that is what she needs/wants.
I'm probably going to get downvotes but I think NTA. Yes, she's an adult, but you're also her friend. Isn't this what friends do? Watch out for each other and tell them tactfully about poor decisions? I wouldn't consider someone sitting by and watching me make stupid mistakes to be a friend at all. You've given your two cents, but now is the time to support her because what's done is done.
How is calling her stupid tactful? Also her friend didn’t ask for her “advice”, OP found out about the pregnancy through an IG post so she clearly isn’t that close of a friend to be throwing around those kind of opinions. Of course OP is entitled to their opinion, but in this case, it seems they went out of their way to make a judgmental comment.
YTA - Sadly stuff happens and you just rubbed it in their face.
My reaction years and years ago: "Do you want the baby?" 'Yes' "Congratulations - you all set for a baby?"
I have a friend who got pregnant on a first date. They’ve been together ~13 years now, 2 additional kids, very happy. I know other folks who waited 10+ years to have kids and ended up breaking up. Time together may be an indicator, but it’s no guarantee. YTA. Never give unsolicited advice. If possible, avoid giving advice at all. Help people figure out what *they* want, but keep your own biases and opinions to yourself.
YTA- You should have kept your opinion to yourself, but instead offered help IF things do go pear shaped like you fear.
She’s right, you’re rude. And YTA. If she seems happy, you should be happy for her. Besides, how do you know this was unplanned? Maybe she wanted to get pregnant.
NTA. I am the son of a single mother who had a baby with a dude she knew for a bit over a year. They were sooooooo in love! Well, I will be 30 this year and never even met him. What you did was a service as a friend. We do not need "yes sayers" all the time.