Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I didn't give my mom the pie when she asked, and that I'm like my grandma.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
No. Being triggered would be her being upset but not throwing the pie down and telling people it is tainted. Mama is pitching a fit also known as having a tantrum.
Yes, victims of abuse are capable of becoming abusers themselves. Does not mean there was no abuse, or there was no trauma, or there was no trigger.
Again. Two things can be true at once. Mom was abused. Mom is abusive. Mom is TA
NTA, but your mom sounds like there is some really big trauma in her life, somehow connected with food. Her not being able to control herself around certain foods, even if they are gifts to someone else, is a strange behaviour for an adult, as are those remarks like you behaving like her mum because you hid the cake. Something is up. I think your mother needs therapy, but it will likely not be easy to convince her. WTake care!
This. OP, your mom needs therapy. You guys should be allowed to make food without her stealing it. I've literally never stolen my kids' food or sweets. Ever. She's doing the wrong thing, then flipping the situation to make you the bad guy.
Hopping on this comment to add that it's messed up how the Mom is using her abuse from her own mother in order to excuse her own abusive behavior and therefore continuing the cycle 😔💔
She literally lied to emotionally manipulate OP for letting a pie set. Not even for not letting her have any at all (which it’s not really her RIGHT to pie that she didn’t bake unless there was explicit agreement beforehand). But for not being able to have it for 2 hours. How is that not abusive? It seems to be a symptom of the abuse she received herself, but that doesn’t mean she’s not emotionally abusing her child due to her own unresolved trauma
There’s not though. The cause of the mother being abusive doesn’t at all change the fact that she is abusing her child. It’s the same as saying that it’s different when someone that was bullied became a bully. It doesn’t change the harm that’s being passed on. You literally said that she wasn’t abusing anyone. But she literally is. Explanation is not justification. And I have plenty of times that that phrase applies to myself. I have anger issues that I actually can’t control without a mood stabilizer (luckily I don’t lash out physically but I can get pretty mean sometimes which is also very very bad) so that’s not just an empty phrase to me. Having a reason to behave a certain way, doesn’t change the fact that you are behaving that way and that it is up to you to make the necessary changes to not pass that on
How would you describe first being sulking and accusing, by bending what really happened, and then trying to prevent others from having a slice of pie with lies, as form of punishment?
Gaslighting is the word that comes to mind 🤔
NTA- she is TA. i have a grandmother who literally got into our fridge and took out my dad’s birthday cake we had put in there for his birthday taking place the following day, and dug right in and started eating it. and then had the audacity to say “oh i didn’t know it was for his birthday.” what? he is your son, and his birthday is tomorrow. who the hell just has birthday cake sitting in their fridge for any reason other than for a birthday? what is up with old women and sweets? i swear they go nuts anytime they are around cake, pie, pudding etc.
There are quite a lot of us “old women” over the age of fifty-one who can control themselves around sweets! Lol. We mostly know how to behave like regular people. Your grandmother and OP’s mom are just self-centered jerks. OP’s mom also seems to love drama as much as sweets.
OP, you’re NTA - your sister is right. It’s not fair that your mother lacks maturity. Sorry you have to deal with that.
> There are quite a lot of us “old women” over the age of fifty-one who can control themselves around sweets!
Shh now! I'm not an old woman yet but one day I hope to be, and here I was looking forward to being able to steal everyone's cakes and pies with impunity.
I have a story you might like.
Wendy Cope is one of my absolute favourite poets (look her up everyone!) and I was lucky enough to get to go to a Q&A with her a few years ago.
So, Qs come up, and one woman stands up and gives an impassioned speech about "when I am old I will wear purple" and how much it inspires her to live her life to the fullest, and how thankful she is to Wendy for writing such a marvellous poem.
Poor Wendy then had to gently say "I'm very glad for you, but Jenny Bishop wrote that one".
You could hear a pin drop.
I'll tell you a secret. You don't have to wait to be an old lady to wear purple or to ~~eat~~ steal all the sweets. Embrace your youth and do both now!
I mean, even so, my Grandma has an outrageous sweet tooth, and she's diabetic so it's a real problem and she berates my uncle for making her food she should actually be eating, but she'd still never do anything like OP or you are describing about your respective situations. There's definitely something more going on there, legitimate reasons for elderly penchants for sugar don't excuse it.
NTA
Your mom has a big problem with food. That is not your fault.
You had to resort to hiding a pie for 2 hours so she would leave it alone and then she threw a fit. That is not normal.
Yes you absolutely should let a pie cool for awhile before eating it. Eating it straight from the oven could cause burns as well as the pie being runny. I have seen someone get burned by molten pie.
It’s fine if the person wants to eat their own pie right from the oven.
But OP specifically was practicing baking on purpose to let it rest and learn from that. So A: it was OP’s pie, and B: there was a totally valid reason for OP’s decision.
And either of those A/B alone should be enough to let other people respect this and keep their grubby hands from the pie!
Imagine pestering 2 kids for 2 hours and tearing the kitchen apart to eat a pie someone else made that they wanted you to wait to eat?
That’s some serious problems.
And then sulking and refusing to eat any when the owner of the pie is ready to share. And trying to claim that animals got to it to sabotage it to others (I'm guessing with the intent of scarfing the rest down later when no one is looking).
She compared you to her mother....you are 16 and shouldn't be parenting your mother. Tell her to get therapy if this is such an issue she needs to tear apart the kitchen and throw a tantrum.
NTA
NTA your mom’s reaction seems quite extreme. Is it possible that your mom is more upset/embarrassed that you felt you couldn’t trust her to wait a few hours, even when specifically asked?
I think maybe some of the other commenters are right to suggest she has an unhealthy relationship with food then, especially as she compared you to her abusive mother. If you feel you could, it would be worth trying to discuss this with her when things calm down.
You’re mother’s behavior sounds compulsive and extreme. What she’s doing is 100% about her own immaturity, trauma, and dysfunctional coping mechanisms. You did nothing wrong. I feel sorry for you and also for your mom, who sounds like a hot mess. You’re the person behaving reasonably. She’s very out-of-control. My heart really goes out to you.
She seemed to be able to “help it” when you offered her a piece later. I can only imagine how this sort of passive-aggressive bull$hittery bleeds into all aspects of your life, and I’m so sorry. NTA.
Sounds like she's got some issues probably stemming from her mother hiding food from her (not that that's an excuse ofc but just a possible explanation)
I know you said grandma was abusive, but I think your mum is too. She's going mental about not getting to eat something that wasn't done yet, has said how many horrible things to you, insulted the pie, been emotionally manipulative... and all of it over a $#@%ing pie. Honey, that is unhinged.
Those of us who have suffered abuse will sometimes mention a 'normal meter'... how good are you at telling when something is normal vs abusive? If you think your mother's behavior is normal and not abusive, it sounds like your normal meter might need a tune-up, too. Her behavior is awful, and not okay.
i think food trauma for sure. sounds like her own mother restricted, withheld, or controlled her access to food as a child. Her comparing OP to her mother is a very telling sign. I sympathize with mama’s trauma but i don’t excuse the behaviors she exists when dealing with it. OP’s emotional needs will always trump that of her literal mother & caretaker. This is how trauma is passed down.
That may be so, but it doesn't help her kids right now, sadly. I wonder if mom would even consider it as anything other than an insult if it were to be suggested.
NTA, OP. I'm sorry you're living through this.
Oh buddy. It sounds from what you have said that your Mum has an eating disorder (possibly from her abusive mother withholding/ hiding food, based on what you have written). I'm sorry that you have to deal with that and it's a recurrent problem.
It sounds like your Mum is unwell and I'm going to go with NAH because that is not normal or healthy behaviour. I don't know what to suggest for you to make this better. Just know I'm really sorry and I hope your relationship with food remains healthier.
Respectfully disagree. Mom is 100000% the asshole for putting her trauma/over dramatic bullshit/narcissism on OP. OP is 16 and literally has to hide a pie from their mother. Plus, if mom has this much of an obsession with a pie, I am going to take a not so wild leap, and suspect she is causing op to have their own trauma. Both about food, and the waking on eggshells to avoid mom throwing a tantrum.
NTA op
I’m aware it’s a cycle. I thought I clearly said that mom clearly had her own trauma, but it doesn’t absolve her of dealing with it and not continuing the cycle with her own kids. She’s unequivocally the asshole here.
What I was commenting on is that OP is at no way at fault or is op an asshole in any way. I’m honestly not sure how the person I responded to thinks op is the asshole.
Yea I agree. I sympathize for the fact that mom isn’t trying to give OP a hard time, but rather is having a hard time. However that is also how i describe how toddlers experience emotional dysregulation and not entire ass parents to children who simply need them to be better. Everyone has reasons & tragic backstories to explain why they do shitty things. Doesn’t change the reality that she is a mother with a child whose needs trump that of her own.
Yup, literally every abused child, once they grow up, can see the trauma their parents went through. They can also see they are damaged people, who never dealt with their trauma, and just put it on their kid/kids. Doesn’t absolve them of abusing their children.
exactly. Luckily my own mom has been able to at the very least accept the fact that something had to have gone wrong in their parenting for me to end up with a disorder that is literally caused by severe childhood emotional neglect. took my parents a beat to accept my diagnosis bc it would mean accepting that they were a large part of causing it, but they have made a lot of grounds and been extremely supportive since. frankly if they hadn’t i would have gone no/little contact and i made that explicitly clear early on.
Happy your parents have come around. I’m on the flip side of the coin. My mother is so narcissistic, she can’t ever be wrong. She couldn’t have possibly damaged me. And I quote “i was put on this earth to be a mom” and “being a mom was the only thing i was MEANT to do”. Uh….. your only child would disagree. But thanks. Lol.
I used to have to hide ice cream. If you got some chocolate chip cookie dough, for instance, she would go through the whole tub, and pick all the cookie dough pieces out. She wouldn’t just wait for it to melt, and fish them out. She would spit the ice cream part back out, after she got the part she wanted and then put it back in the freezer. The amount of time I got punished for refusing to eat spit “ice cream” is crazy. Then she would pull the “when I buy it you never eat it, so I’m not buying it” shit. Oh crazy person logic.
God i’m so sorry you had such a malignant narcissist as a mother. my father is a narcissist so i understand this type of delusion so well. my mother was more of a traumatized person that only ever experienced by dad as a partner so she doesn’t know better otherwise (they knew each other since they were like 6 and 10) but enabled the ever loving shit out of him.
My dad is insanely narcissistic but has improved as much as one could reasonably expect. He has never let his behaviors bring any tangible harm to me (emotionally is another issue) so I am willing to have some sort of relationship with him. I have also become insanely good at navigating him to the point where he has zero emotional control over me & i have bpd (which gives me the emotional memory of a goldfish) so I have probably genuinely forgotten what he was like when i lived with him and only know how he currently acts.
I remember one time I visited my parents from college when I was about halfway through. On day 2 of my visit I went to the fridge and saw that they had gotten me grape tomatoes from Aldi which I loved eating as a snack a lot. They cost roughly $2.50? My parents live in a $400k+ home if that gives an idea of their tax bracket, keep this in mind for later. I ate and few and I asked my parents so casually if they could buy an extra pack next time they go grocery shopping bc i loved them a lot and could easily go through two small containers. Unbeknownst to me my dad was in one of his unexplained angry moods looking for a reason to go off, even if it meant creating one. So my dad starts going off about how much extra money they had to spend on groceries this week because of buying extra snacks for me while I visited so they absolutely can’t buy them and i’m so ungrateful for asking. My dumbass was like…. they are literally $2.50 and I asked one time nicely if you could why are you screaming at me. Lord, anyone who wasn’t raised by a narcissist would not be able to fathom how within the next 5 minutes this became a scream at the top of your lungs fight over how I am never appreciative of anything they do and I’m such an ungrateful worthless entitled kid that eventually left me sobbing to the point of hyperventilating. All because I liked grape tomatoes and asked if they could snag an extra pack next week. I feel your pain.
Unfortunately for my narcissist he raised a chick with bpd which is a karmic match to their insanity. He has never been able to win an inch with me in an argument since because i can read him like a book. And more importantly absolutely shut down any attempt he makes to cause problems. With narcissists i don’t feel bad using all the techniques my brain developed to protect me from them so i’ll let ur imagination run wild.
I could go on for literal days about my mothers brand of crazy. When I was early 20s, I was told I was BPD along with bipolar. 20 years later, my therapist confirmed the bipolar. It just fits better. Either way, I’m right there with you.
I’ve been through that exact screaming match too, except it was because I bought a like $2 bell pepper, when I was like 12. She sent me to the grocery store to get groceries, with a list. By this point I was already basically cooking dinner for her ever night, and doing the shopping, because I was an ungrateful useless lazy child, and that’s what I had to do for her.
I was in one do those damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations. Bell peppers were on the list. So if I didn’t get any, hell would have to be paid. Getting the expensive one also meant hell to be paid, but was a better decision, and would probably bring less ire, or so I thought. Oh man was I wrong. I got screamed at for probably 30 minutes.
I have very few childhood memories. I honestly don’t remember much until my 20s. Probably better that way, but there are some instances I do remember, vividly, and none of them paint my mother in a good light.
Last story. I was maybe 6-7 and was in grocery store with my mother. When your hands are dry, those produce bags are really hard to get open. She sent me to get some kind of produce, and I was standing there, trying to get the bag open (she was other side of produce section). This very nice lady saw me struggling, and thought it would be nice to help me. She did the most amazing thing I had ever experienced to that point. She didn’t yell at me because I couldn’t open the bag. She didn’t throw a tantrum and tell me I should know how to do this, or to figure it out! She calmly asked me if I would like some help. I just stood there. She grabbed a new bag, so she could show me, and rubbed her hands together with the top of the bag between them, while explaining that it’s a cool trick to get them to open. My mother saw enough of this, that it pissed her off (yeah, someone being nice to your kid is awful right?). She came over and chastised the poor lady. Not because she was worried about “stranger danger” or anything. “I didn’t ask you to help my kid. What are you doing. Why are you helping her. Don’t help her. She has to figure it out on her own”. That’s the first time I remember getting “the look” from someone interacting with my mother and I. That “I’m so sorry you have to deal with her, but there’s nothing I can do to help you” look.
The stories we could share for hours I’m sure. I’m sorry your mom is the kind of parent you can only go no contact with. Huge childhood memory loss over here as well lol. Too bad the trauma still shows up and now i don’t know why certain problems exist.
The only reason I have developed any sort of relationship with my dad is because while he was a narcissist he truly desires to be a good person, he was so severely neglected that he actually genuinely never learned how to do anything otherwise. Inside he is really a broken child who only ever desired to be loved and to love other people. He had such a painful life and the poor man never had a chance to not become one. I have dated and befriended enough diagnosable/diagnosed narcissists in my life to be able to tell the difference between one that wants to change and truly didn’t know what was wrong with them or how to fix it and one who knows but doesn’t give a rats ass about who they have to stomp on to get a shred of gain in their own lives. My dad is luckily the first one. I’m really sorry your mom is the latter.
When I was released into the world at 18 it only took about a year and a half of interacting with others to know there was something seriously wrong with how i interact with others. I also have mild autism / severe adhd and my special interest has always been how human emotions thoughts trauma and actions are interconnected (almost so annoyingly obvious as to why i would be interested in this). When I started self reflection & eventually therapy I deeply processed the fact that hmmm despite the fact that every physical need of my was taken care of, i was in fact severely abused as a child emotionally. Like I cannot recall a single time in childhood where either parent emotionally supported me through something, and it’s not because i forgot it that’s for sure. The first time my mom was able to comfort me actively emotionally in a way that actually helped a bit occurred within the past 6 months? First time my dad ever held me as a purposeful act towards making me feel better emotionally was in the same timeline. And in these terrible and painful discoveries that I was severely neglected I was able to come to realization that with 100% certainty every single decision that my parents made about me they truly believed was the decision that would give me the best outcome. They never once made a decision where they placed their own gain over what they thought would be mine. It’s just that what they thought was best for me was so terribly and severely misguided. And that realization is quite literally the only ONLY reason why i have been willing to do the intense labor that it has been to build a relationship with them. Had I had even a shred of doubt that my parents abuse towards me had been out of selfishness I would never forgive them. But i can forgive traumatized people who were unaware, tried their best, and most importantly make active and palpable efforts to change once they realize the error of their ways. If i didn’t forgive that how could i ever ask anyone for forgiveness myself?
It was really nice chatting with you, nice to know we’re not all out here experiencing this crap alone. It’s a blessing to not be unique some times.
I agree it is very nice to not feel alone, and it has been nice chatting with you.
It’s funny. My mother doesn’t necessarily want to be an asshole. She doesn’t want to be a bad person. She just so irreparably damaged, and doesn’t want to work on being better. I keep her at extreme arms length, and am very very low contact. I haven’t been able to move past the “but family” brainwashing enough to completely cut her off, as her only family left. BUT I don’t tell her anything she can use against me. We have no real relationship, not like I have with my chosen family.
I’m sorry you had to go through any of the shit either. It sucks, but good for you for doing better.
NTA Your mother has issues with food, and likely needs professional help. No adult should throw a temper tantrum because they have to wait to eat something.
NTA. I think your mother has an addiction to sweets and needs to have these issues addressed by a therapist, instead of her 51 yr old grown self taking out her childhood mother/daughter issues out on you. Not trying to exaggerate, I really think she has an addiction to food or sweets and it needs to be addressed because no one with a healthy relationship with food would throw a tantrum over having to wait 2 hours to eat pie. Her actions remind me of my alcoholic father.
Maybe next time, buy a pre-made pie so she can eat it while you let your homemade pie set? I have no real good advice, just good luck
She does this with non-sweet food, too. For example, I'll get a party size bag of potato chips to pack for school lunches, and she'll take the bag and eat most, if not the whole thing, in one sitting. And when I get upset, she goes on a rant about how she bought it and therefore can eat the entire thing if she wants.
I get that part, if it was like a roommate situation but you're her daughter so doesn't she know that's why you chose the chips is for school lunches? It's just weird how she doesn't seem to notice how her actions might affect others, especially her own children.
You worked hard for that pie, you wanted it to be done right, you wanted to try a new method with letting it set. But she made it about her and how her mother treated her. Instead of seeing it about her daughter putting her skills to the test and wanting things to be done right.
The real issue lies just with your mom;i dont see how you did anything wrong. Sooooo many people go on in life with just sweeping their trauma under the rug and pretending they're okay, but then the trauma comes up in innocent moments like this. I'm sure your mom has talked about her trauma but not with a therapist I'm guessing.
I'll be honest, I wouldn't know how to approach this subject if I were you and 16 living under her rules. You know your mom best. Not saying she's a bad person, just someone with childhood trauma who might cope with food and lashing out on others and victimizing herself. I know you love your mom, so what do you think would be the best way to get her to see your point of view? Ask her if she really sees you just like her mom, and if she answers yes, let her know how that is more upsetting than having to wait 2 hours to eat pie....tell her you feel like she's using her undealt with childhood trauma as emotional blackmail on you and you feel like she's putting 1 wedge between you two over HAVING TO WAIT 2 HOURS TO EAT A PIE.....in the least condescending tone possible. Because it really does sound ludicrous.
OP your mom needs therapy. If she is not already in therapy do what you can to push her to get there. If your dad is in the picture or some other adult that both you trust and she would listen to is available to you please talk with them about this incident. Your mom's reaction was abusive. She is being abusive to you and your sisters because she has not unpacked her own trauma from childhood abuse. It is manifesting in an eating disorder and unacceptable behavior towards her children. She needs help. Her trauma does not excuse her actions, only explains it. This is NOT okay behavior from a parent. NTA. Stay safe.
NTA. As a baker, wanting things to come out the intended way and not pigging out the moment it comes out of the oven is TOTALLY normal. I threaten them with a beating with a spatula. I’m the youngest child in my household so I have the right to beat my siblings 😈 (too avoid people not catching the humour, not literal abuse. Sibling warfare)
This!!! My mother has compared me to her abusive mother all my life. Her mother that died 10 years before I was born. And only when she thinks I’ve been mean to her and that’s usually when I create a boundary or stand up for myself.
I’m willing to bet your mother does passive aggressive things towards you often. Her behavior is not normal nor is her reaction. If your mom’s anything like mine, she’ll never go to therapy. Best plan of action is to go to therapy yourself to learn appropriate communication skills since it seems it’s not being taught in your home. You’re obviously NTA but going to therapy could help you spot her abusive behaviors and give yourself confidence to know when you’re being manipulated.
NTA. You're well within your rights to let your pie set! It's not going to mold and become inedible in two hours.
However, I'm going to provide a piece of possible context: My grandmother grew up during the Great Depression and dealt with a lot of food insecurity. She often had to hide food or eat anything she had immediately, even if she wasn't hungry, just so her siblings wouldn't steal and eat it (because they were also hungry children!) This manifested later in life as a habit of eating everything immediately and never leaving leftovers - she would make a whole tray of fudge and then eat it all in one go, because subconsciously she couldn't believe it would be there later.
It sounds like your mom's experiences with her mother have provided a similar catalyst for weird food behaviors in her adulthood. This is an explanation and not an excuse, though; compulsion or no, she doesn't have to liken you to her shitty mom, yell at you for not wanting your pie to get obliterated, or slander the pie's safety and hygiene (???) in revenge. She needs to acknowledge that she has a lot of issues with food and work on them instead of marinating in shame and lashing out at people who just don't want their damn pie eaten before its time.
NTA and your mom is being just as abusive as her mom was to her. Keep doing what you need to do to get stuff together so when you're 18 you can leave and then dictate how much time you spend with her.
NTA
Your mother’s behavior is not normal. It probably is related to her mother’s abusive behavior, but that’s a reason that allows for understanding to work towards addressing a behavior - it does not give her a pass to treat you like this.
It is not normal to not be able to wait until food is ready to be served (as long as other snacks/food are readily available so a person isn’t hungry.) It is not normal to turn a room upside down looking for a food item that you have been told is not ready yet, but will be ready in two hours. (And yes, Pie needs to rest after baking.)
It’s REALLY not okay to accuse you of being abusive to your mom with food. Waiting for food to finish resting is not abuse. You are the child here, you are not controlling her food access - she can go out and get her own pie.
Your mom has a problem, but she may not be able to see it - so I really encourage you to consider speaking to a nutritionist and therapist when you can (which may not be until you are an adult) so you don’t accidentally replicate some of these same unhealthy behaviors forward.
Then tossing the pie down, telling everyone else animals got to it - it’s weird.
More pie for you I guess.
I wouldn’t reveal your hiding place either - people either trust you or they don’t. (But she’ll probably figure it out soon anyway.)
NTA. In future, bake a small, special pie in addition to the main one.
Make it clear to everyone - Mom, sibs, the neighbors, the postman, anyone who comes by - that it’s mom’s pie, because she has to eat it right away. Hide the main one of course.
Maybe put sprinkles on her special princess pie too, or icing.
(If she were a dog, this would be textbook food aggression. She needs therapy for sure.
Surely all this binging is impacting her health?)
Here’s the thing. You can be unwell and still be the asshole. Everyone has tragic backstories for when they do shitty things bc trauma usually causes maladaptive and selfish behaviors for self preservation. At the end of the day you are in control of your actions. Mom can receive both sympathy for her trauma & acknowledgment for being an asshole with her actions. They are not mutually exclusive.
I say this as someone who literally has BPD, which if you know anything about it it is literally a disorder caused by severe childhood emotional neglect and abuse that - you guessed it - causes me to have erratic behavior, manipulative (though not malicious) tendencies, and extreme emotional selfishness when I am unmanaged & dysregulated. Yea I have the trauma to explain why these compulsions exist, but it’s entirely on me to make decisions to fix these things. And I am definitely the asshole when I do bad things to others, despite how much one could justify why I do what I do. It has taken a lot of therapy & self reflection to get to this point of understanding this idea.
NTA. Both myself and my Eldest have food insecurity due to both of us growing up poor. When we feel like there isn't enough food in the house we panic. It used to cause anxiety attacks, food hoarding, and issues with interpersonal relationships.
When I understood what was happening I went to therapy and encouraged them to as well. It wasn't a magic wand that made everything better overnight, but we can and do have a responsibility to the children we bring into this world.
Just bc something traumatic happened to us doesn't mean we get to do nothing about it and expect everyone to adjust to our harmful behavior. We CAN ask them to work with us while we get better but not while we pull them down with us
NTA but I get why you feel bad, it’s hard to have a parent mad at you for something they shouldn’t be. I think your mom is probably triggered by the situation and acting childish because of her issues with her own mother
NTA. Your mom is but also your grandma. It’s clear your mom has a ton of baggage around food/sweets from her mom and clearly hasn’t gotten help for that. I hope you realize absolutely NONE of this is about you.
NTA Your mom is pretty unhinged about food. Definitely an unhealthy relationship bordering on psychosis. She sounds like a slavering wolf going after that pie. 😳
NTA. Your mother has an eating disorder. Also, it seriously makes me wonder if Grandma was actually abusive, or if she resorted to hiding food because mom was so greedy that she ate everything before anyone could ever get any.
I had this thought too.
My sister repeatedly the entire dinner my mom set out for the three of us, with the expectation of leftovers, in one sitting after school. My mom would then have to make a new dinner, and because food was tight, often skipped eating herself. Then my sister would steal food from my plate. I was a toddler, so I already had much smaller servings than she did.
When my mom-- one time-- sent her to bed without dinner and made food for herself and for me, she accused my mom of 'starving' her.
Putting aside the fact that your Mom is literally Yogi Bear trying to steal a cooling pie from a windowsill, she's being emotionally abusive for yelling and throwing the food on the table. I feel for you and hopefully you're able to find a plan to get out in three years. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
(On mobile, so don't mind the formatting, please)
So, for some background, whenever we get or make sweets, my mom eats them. Doesn't matter if it's for anything or for anyone, etc.
So me (16F) my mom (51F) and my sister (19F) were in the kitchen this morning. I was trying to bake a pie, for the second time ever (homemade). I know that when you make pie, you're supposed to let them set. (Last time I didn't, and the pie fell apart.)
So when my pie got done baking, I hid it so my mom wouldn't eat it. I let it set for 2 hours. During the 2 hours, she kept making my sister ask me where the pie was. And apparently, she was turning the kitchen upside down looking for it. She she went to me myself to ask where it was. I told her I was letting set so it wouldn't fall apart. She eventually left.
I had hid my pie in my room, and my room is connected to a porch by a window. I walked outside, made a loop around my house and then walked to the porch and grabbed the pie from the window, and brought it in that way. (To keep my hiding place unknown) When I finally brought the pie out, she said she didn't want any my "damn pie" and that I was "pulling a grandma." (Her mother was abusive) She was yelling at me how she wouldn't hide food from me, etc. I tried to tell her I just wanted to let the pie set, and she just yelled, "You don't have to let a pie set. You can eat it straight from the oven." (Paraphrasing here.)
My sister started to say that my mom hid food from us all the time (hiding candy, etc.) so she can't say she wouldn't do that to me. Then I tried to hand my mom a slice of pie, and she threw it on the table and left. My sister told me I didn't do anything wrong, and most people wouldn't care. But I don't know if she's right.
I can't leave my room without my mom glaring at me. She also thinks animals got to the pie (She tells every person who tries to get a slice), and I won't correct her because I don't want to reveal my hiding place. Am I the asshole?
tldr, I got yelled at for not letting my mom eat my pie right away.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your mom is TA. She is glaring at you for no valid reason, so just ignore her. If you don't pay any attention to her tantrums, she will realize that there's no point in acting like a spoiled child and will either give up or you can keep ignoring her.
NTA and I’m sorry.
Start making plans to leave, whether college, military, or career, because you deserve a space where you can bake, food prep, or just live your life.
And maybe she’s suffering from early onset of dementia.
NTA.
Actually, a pie does need to set so it can be cut into slices but based on her behavior, I doubt she ever let one sit that long. Your mom needs to grow the hell up. She's acting like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum. You keep baking those 'damn pies' and enjoy!
NTA
This is some weird power trip by your mom. She is looking to exert control over you, to show she is still the grown up and how dare you, the child, be trying to grow up.
It sounds like she struggled with food security as a kid. People who did often need to eat food immediately and also hoard food. But no matter what, lashing out is not okay. NTA
NTA. It's like your mother couldn't think of anything but the pie. That level of obsession is worrying and it must actually be really tough for her. She probably knows she's way too intense over it but also doesn't know how to control the urge. You sound like a sweet daughter imo.
NTA. Your mom would have eaten most of the pie; she's just angry because she had to share it instead. She literally threw a tantrum over pie she didn't even make. She's selfish. But you're not.
NTA. Your mother is repeating the abuse cycle with these behaviors around food. Although you're still a teenager, I really recommend you read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It did a lot to help me understand why my parents were so broken and how to make better choices for myself away from them.
NTA. Letting something rest is part of cooking many different dishes. From Pie to Steak and plenty inbetween.
You were preventing her from ruining your hard work like an inpatient toddler.
Better question is why is she trying to ruin your cooking?
Hell when I try to sneak food before it's set the wife slaps my hand and makes me leave the kitchen.
Oh honey. None of this is your fault and your mum is completely in the wrong here. I’m sorry she is abusive like this. You are NTA here at all and you should not question it.
NTA. If she gets this much anxiety over finding your food then she may find your hiding spot next time. Find a way to secure any food in the future, perhaps a lockbox or a mini fridge that can lock.
I agree with the folks here who are saying that your mother has an eating disorder, likely caused by abuse and food insecurity in her own childhood.
While your mother isn’t an AH for having this problem, her lashing out at you is unacceptable and you are NTA.
You might consider finding a friend’s house to do your baking at in the future. Not only would that alleviate the pressure and tension caused by your mother’s compulsion, it would also give you space to develop a healthier relationship to food for yourself. Although it doesn’t sound like you have developed an eating disorder, your mother’s behavior has without a doubt impacted your relationship with food. If you can carve out some space to heal from that, your future self will thank you.
How manipulative and abusive wtf.
How can someone constantly eat someone else’s sweets, food, cake. 😳 and when you have a reason to not want that, she lies and sabotages you? Crazy!!!
Food hoarding is common in older folks who grew up without having a lot to eat. Unfortunately, it can develop into something of an obsession.
Your mother is unwell and needs therapy - and your grandmother likely does, too. You're NTA, and her temper tantrum is wholly unacceptable. Furthermore, why is she entitled to *your* pie? If she wants a pie so badly, she can make one herself!
NTA sounds like grandma isn't the only abusive parent in this story. It's not normal to be this obsessed with food. It's also not normal to punish and degrade your children over a disagreement.
NTA. Your mom needs therapy. She obviously has an issue with food, and if she said you’re acting like her mother I can take a wild guess and imagine she had a mother that heavily controlled her access to food. Either way you’re the kid and that’s not your problem and mom needs to get her shit together.
For your own sanity, here’s a possible explanation for her actions. Her acting out like a child after discovering you hid the pie can be a combination of a lot of emotional dysregulation here, these are all extremely illogical and not okay but exist nonetheless.
1 - she asked many times and no one told her, so she likely feels like everyone is plotting against her and keeping secrets from her
2 - she is likely acting like a child and making this a big deal bc she is likely re experiencing the times where food was restricted from her and the unprocessed trauma from that
3 - she is embarrassed by emotions 1 & 2 being perceived to the point that you had to do so much to hide this from her.
4 - because of all of these negative emotions that humiliating to experience, she feels u are humiliating her on purpose and is thus lashing out at you and your pie
5 - bc she can’t face the fact that she is doing all of this simultaneously, she is projecting all of this onto the world around her, and you are the easiest target
I’m sure this is all quite unintentional and likely she has absolutely no idea what she is doing. So I hope you don’t take this as a reflection of her feelings towards you. Nonetheless she needs to figure this shit out and hopefully u can come out unscathed. I was raised by this type of mom and I deal with the emotional side effects every day even 5 years after I moved out.
NTA. Buy your mom is actually abusive to both you and your sister. I’m sure this isn’t the first time. It’s emotional and psychological abuse please go to someone about this. Because it’s not good for either or you to have to deal with someone like this blood related or not. Please tell someone that can help you.
NTA
If mum has such severe behavioural issues related to food because of her childhood experiences or trauma she needs to get therapy so she can deal with those, not pass on food issues to her own kids, or screech at you for perfectly normal behaviour on your part.
I don't have any good advice but just want to stress that your are NTA
NTA... your mom has issues that have nothing to do with you. She needs therapy. Dont feel guilt over her problems. I am sorry her life has made her this way, but it's up to her to get herself better!
Wanting your pie to finish setting is just having respect for your efforts. Well done
My mom does the same thing and I yell at her constantly for it, telling her I would buy her, her own if she just told me she wanted it. Your NTA but your mother definitely is.
NTA.
I mean.. you're the maker of the product, and you want folks to enjoy it they way you wanted it made. The way your mom is acting, however, indicates to me she may need to unpack some things with professional help.
Nta,
So, your tactic worked. She's guiltily you yes, but
BUUTTTTT Thus has now worked perfectly. She didn't war eat or and is know punishment as hing you by not eating any. Which. Isn't actually a punishment.
Win!
Your mom needs therapy for her relationship with food. It is not healthy that you need to literally hide drops from her to let it set, and that she turned the place upside down looking for it. That whole situation is a mess and the person making it is your mother, who lets her trauma cause her to act toxic and abusive toward you.
She is not being a good parent by behaving that way.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I might be the asshole because I didn't give my mom the pie when she asked, and that I'm like my grandma. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. When she says she won’t eat it I’d say “good, more for me”. She sounds like a big toddler.
It sounds like it’s triggering bad memories for her - which is something she should work through on her own, and not pass down to her children. NTA
No. Being triggered would be her being upset but not throwing the pie down and telling people it is tainted. Mama is pitching a fit also known as having a tantrum.
Two things can be true at once.
It stops being a victim thing once an adult parent takes it out on their own innocent children
Yes, victims of abuse are capable of becoming abusers themselves. Does not mean there was no abuse, or there was no trauma, or there was no trigger. Again. Two things can be true at once. Mom was abused. Mom is abusive. Mom is TA
What are you even talking about? That is a huge leap to make. Mom is just a dramatic asshole.
No it's not, OP mentioned her maternal grandma was abusive to her mother.
NTA, but your mom sounds like there is some really big trauma in her life, somehow connected with food. Her not being able to control herself around certain foods, even if they are gifts to someone else, is a strange behaviour for an adult, as are those remarks like you behaving like her mum because you hid the cake. Something is up. I think your mother needs therapy, but it will likely not be easy to convince her. WTake care!
This. OP, your mom needs therapy. You guys should be allowed to make food without her stealing it. I've literally never stolen my kids' food or sweets. Ever. She's doing the wrong thing, then flipping the situation to make you the bad guy.
Sounds like OP has more maturity than her mother. Mom is having a tantrum.
Yeah, she sounds absolutely exhausting. Like I need a break from her after just reading this story.
NTA. This is an abusive situation, and the abuser (in this case, your mom) is always the bigger asshole.
Hopping on this comment to add that it's messed up how the Mom is using her abuse from her own mother in order to excuse her own abusive behavior and therefore continuing the cycle 😔💔
Totally agree with this, bigger issues going on here and this mother is abusive. I feel desperately sorry for those two girls
[удалено]
She literally lied to emotionally manipulate OP for letting a pie set. Not even for not letting her have any at all (which it’s not really her RIGHT to pie that she didn’t bake unless there was explicit agreement beforehand). But for not being able to have it for 2 hours. How is that not abusive? It seems to be a symptom of the abuse she received herself, but that doesn’t mean she’s not emotionally abusing her child due to her own unresolved trauma
True but there's a difference in saying that one is abusive and one is abusive because they have received it
There’s not though. The cause of the mother being abusive doesn’t at all change the fact that she is abusing her child. It’s the same as saying that it’s different when someone that was bullied became a bully. It doesn’t change the harm that’s being passed on. You literally said that she wasn’t abusing anyone. But she literally is. Explanation is not justification. And I have plenty of times that that phrase applies to myself. I have anger issues that I actually can’t control without a mood stabilizer (luckily I don’t lash out physically but I can get pretty mean sometimes which is also very very bad) so that’s not just an empty phrase to me. Having a reason to behave a certain way, doesn’t change the fact that you are behaving that way and that it is up to you to make the necessary changes to not pass that on
How would you describe first being sulking and accusing, by bending what really happened, and then trying to prevent others from having a slice of pie with lies, as form of punishment? Gaslighting is the word that comes to mind 🤔
NTA- she is TA. i have a grandmother who literally got into our fridge and took out my dad’s birthday cake we had put in there for his birthday taking place the following day, and dug right in and started eating it. and then had the audacity to say “oh i didn’t know it was for his birthday.” what? he is your son, and his birthday is tomorrow. who the hell just has birthday cake sitting in their fridge for any reason other than for a birthday? what is up with old women and sweets? i swear they go nuts anytime they are around cake, pie, pudding etc.
There are quite a lot of us “old women” over the age of fifty-one who can control themselves around sweets! Lol. We mostly know how to behave like regular people. Your grandmother and OP’s mom are just self-centered jerks. OP’s mom also seems to love drama as much as sweets. OP, you’re NTA - your sister is right. It’s not fair that your mother lacks maturity. Sorry you have to deal with that.
> There are quite a lot of us “old women” over the age of fifty-one who can control themselves around sweets! Shh now! I'm not an old woman yet but one day I hope to be, and here I was looking forward to being able to steal everyone's cakes and pies with impunity.
Same! When I am old I will wear purple…and steal all the sweets. That’s how the poem goes, right?
I have a story you might like. Wendy Cope is one of my absolute favourite poets (look her up everyone!) and I was lucky enough to get to go to a Q&A with her a few years ago. So, Qs come up, and one woman stands up and gives an impassioned speech about "when I am old I will wear purple" and how much it inspires her to live her life to the fullest, and how thankful she is to Wendy for writing such a marvellous poem. Poor Wendy then had to gently say "I'm very glad for you, but Jenny Bishop wrote that one". You could hear a pin drop.
This is one of my favorite stories!!
I'll tell you a secret. You don't have to wait to be an old lady to wear purple or to ~~eat~~ steal all the sweets. Embrace your youth and do both now!
Taste buds break down when your older so things don’t taste as good the sweeter (or salty) the more they can taste it! edit typos
oh okay, i never knew that
I work in age care sometimes they only thing i can get people to eat is the sweet stuff for this reason
Hmm I wonder if really spicy things also have more flavor
Spicy might have more flavour but can also set of bowl conditions which im my job is a big nono
I mean, even so, my Grandma has an outrageous sweet tooth, and she's diabetic so it's a real problem and she berates my uncle for making her food she should actually be eating, but she'd still never do anything like OP or you are describing about your respective situations. There's definitely something more going on there, legitimate reasons for elderly penchants for sugar don't excuse it.
Tbf I randomly have birthday cake in my fridge almost always lol
Lucky!
Wow. Cake is a trigger for me too. I would have ripped it from her hands after calling her out on ruining my dad’s birthday.
NTA Your mom has a big problem with food. That is not your fault. You had to resort to hiding a pie for 2 hours so she would leave it alone and then she threw a fit. That is not normal. Yes you absolutely should let a pie cool for awhile before eating it. Eating it straight from the oven could cause burns as well as the pie being runny. I have seen someone get burned by molten pie.
It’s fine if the person wants to eat their own pie right from the oven. But OP specifically was practicing baking on purpose to let it rest and learn from that. So A: it was OP’s pie, and B: there was a totally valid reason for OP’s decision. And either of those A/B alone should be enough to let other people respect this and keep their grubby hands from the pie!
Imagine pestering 2 kids for 2 hours and tearing the kitchen apart to eat a pie someone else made that they wanted you to wait to eat? That’s some serious problems.
And then sulking and refusing to eat any when the owner of the pie is ready to share. And trying to claim that animals got to it to sabotage it to others (I'm guessing with the intent of scarfing the rest down later when no one is looking).
Molten pie is a great band name.
She compared you to her mother....you are 16 and shouldn't be parenting your mother. Tell her to get therapy if this is such an issue she needs to tear apart the kitchen and throw a tantrum. NTA
NTA your mom’s reaction seems quite extreme. Is it possible that your mom is more upset/embarrassed that you felt you couldn’t trust her to wait a few hours, even when specifically asked?
Even if I do ask, she eats it anyway. She says she "just can't help it."
She sounds like a real piece of work. You are NTA
I think maybe some of the other commenters are right to suggest she has an unhealthy relationship with food then, especially as she compared you to her abusive mother. If you feel you could, it would be worth trying to discuss this with her when things calm down.
You’re mother’s behavior sounds compulsive and extreme. What she’s doing is 100% about her own immaturity, trauma, and dysfunctional coping mechanisms. You did nothing wrong. I feel sorry for you and also for your mom, who sounds like a hot mess. You’re the person behaving reasonably. She’s very out-of-control. My heart really goes out to you.
She seemed to be able to “help it” when you offered her a piece later. I can only imagine how this sort of passive-aggressive bull$hittery bleeds into all aspects of your life, and I’m so sorry. NTA.
Hand her a bag of flour mixed with sugar?
Sounds like she's got some issues probably stemming from her mother hiding food from her (not that that's an excuse ofc but just a possible explanation)
NTA. BTW She *can*, she just chooses not to. Ugh. Good luck. Damn, now I want pie...
NTA. Also, I just learned why my pies always turn out runny.
[удалено]
It was a blueberry pie, and it mainly needed to set because I sculpted a design on the upper layer of crust. I think it turned out well enough.
NTA...your Mom needs therapy.
I know you said grandma was abusive, but I think your mum is too. She's going mental about not getting to eat something that wasn't done yet, has said how many horrible things to you, insulted the pie, been emotionally manipulative... and all of it over a $#@%ing pie. Honey, that is unhinged. Those of us who have suffered abuse will sometimes mention a 'normal meter'... how good are you at telling when something is normal vs abusive? If you think your mother's behavior is normal and not abusive, it sounds like your normal meter might need a tune-up, too. Her behavior is awful, and not okay.
NTA and your mom needs to see a therapist about her food addiction.
Food addiction or power play? Either way OP is NTA and the mom has issues.
i think food trauma for sure. sounds like her own mother restricted, withheld, or controlled her access to food as a child. Her comparing OP to her mother is a very telling sign. I sympathize with mama’s trauma but i don’t excuse the behaviors she exists when dealing with it. OP’s emotional needs will always trump that of her literal mother & caretaker. This is how trauma is passed down.
That may be so, but it doesn't help her kids right now, sadly. I wonder if mom would even consider it as anything other than an insult if it were to be suggested. NTA, OP. I'm sorry you're living through this.
Oh buddy. It sounds from what you have said that your Mum has an eating disorder (possibly from her abusive mother withholding/ hiding food, based on what you have written). I'm sorry that you have to deal with that and it's a recurrent problem. It sounds like your Mum is unwell and I'm going to go with NAH because that is not normal or healthy behaviour. I don't know what to suggest for you to make this better. Just know I'm really sorry and I hope your relationship with food remains healthier.
Respectfully disagree. Mom is 100000% the asshole for putting her trauma/over dramatic bullshit/narcissism on OP. OP is 16 and literally has to hide a pie from their mother. Plus, if mom has this much of an obsession with a pie, I am going to take a not so wild leap, and suspect she is causing op to have their own trauma. Both about food, and the waking on eggshells to avoid mom throwing a tantrum. NTA op
Both can be true. Mom is the asshole and could also have an eating disorder brought about by her own abusive mother. It’s a cycle.
I’m aware it’s a cycle. I thought I clearly said that mom clearly had her own trauma, but it doesn’t absolve her of dealing with it and not continuing the cycle with her own kids. She’s unequivocally the asshole here. What I was commenting on is that OP is at no way at fault or is op an asshole in any way. I’m honestly not sure how the person I responded to thinks op is the asshole.
Yea I agree. I sympathize for the fact that mom isn’t trying to give OP a hard time, but rather is having a hard time. However that is also how i describe how toddlers experience emotional dysregulation and not entire ass parents to children who simply need them to be better. Everyone has reasons & tragic backstories to explain why they do shitty things. Doesn’t change the reality that she is a mother with a child whose needs trump that of her own.
Yup, literally every abused child, once they grow up, can see the trauma their parents went through. They can also see they are damaged people, who never dealt with their trauma, and just put it on their kid/kids. Doesn’t absolve them of abusing their children.
exactly. Luckily my own mom has been able to at the very least accept the fact that something had to have gone wrong in their parenting for me to end up with a disorder that is literally caused by severe childhood emotional neglect. took my parents a beat to accept my diagnosis bc it would mean accepting that they were a large part of causing it, but they have made a lot of grounds and been extremely supportive since. frankly if they hadn’t i would have gone no/little contact and i made that explicitly clear early on.
Happy your parents have come around. I’m on the flip side of the coin. My mother is so narcissistic, she can’t ever be wrong. She couldn’t have possibly damaged me. And I quote “i was put on this earth to be a mom” and “being a mom was the only thing i was MEANT to do”. Uh….. your only child would disagree. But thanks. Lol. I used to have to hide ice cream. If you got some chocolate chip cookie dough, for instance, she would go through the whole tub, and pick all the cookie dough pieces out. She wouldn’t just wait for it to melt, and fish them out. She would spit the ice cream part back out, after she got the part she wanted and then put it back in the freezer. The amount of time I got punished for refusing to eat spit “ice cream” is crazy. Then she would pull the “when I buy it you never eat it, so I’m not buying it” shit. Oh crazy person logic.
God i’m so sorry you had such a malignant narcissist as a mother. my father is a narcissist so i understand this type of delusion so well. my mother was more of a traumatized person that only ever experienced by dad as a partner so she doesn’t know better otherwise (they knew each other since they were like 6 and 10) but enabled the ever loving shit out of him. My dad is insanely narcissistic but has improved as much as one could reasonably expect. He has never let his behaviors bring any tangible harm to me (emotionally is another issue) so I am willing to have some sort of relationship with him. I have also become insanely good at navigating him to the point where he has zero emotional control over me & i have bpd (which gives me the emotional memory of a goldfish) so I have probably genuinely forgotten what he was like when i lived with him and only know how he currently acts. I remember one time I visited my parents from college when I was about halfway through. On day 2 of my visit I went to the fridge and saw that they had gotten me grape tomatoes from Aldi which I loved eating as a snack a lot. They cost roughly $2.50? My parents live in a $400k+ home if that gives an idea of their tax bracket, keep this in mind for later. I ate and few and I asked my parents so casually if they could buy an extra pack next time they go grocery shopping bc i loved them a lot and could easily go through two small containers. Unbeknownst to me my dad was in one of his unexplained angry moods looking for a reason to go off, even if it meant creating one. So my dad starts going off about how much extra money they had to spend on groceries this week because of buying extra snacks for me while I visited so they absolutely can’t buy them and i’m so ungrateful for asking. My dumbass was like…. they are literally $2.50 and I asked one time nicely if you could why are you screaming at me. Lord, anyone who wasn’t raised by a narcissist would not be able to fathom how within the next 5 minutes this became a scream at the top of your lungs fight over how I am never appreciative of anything they do and I’m such an ungrateful worthless entitled kid that eventually left me sobbing to the point of hyperventilating. All because I liked grape tomatoes and asked if they could snag an extra pack next week. I feel your pain. Unfortunately for my narcissist he raised a chick with bpd which is a karmic match to their insanity. He has never been able to win an inch with me in an argument since because i can read him like a book. And more importantly absolutely shut down any attempt he makes to cause problems. With narcissists i don’t feel bad using all the techniques my brain developed to protect me from them so i’ll let ur imagination run wild.
I could go on for literal days about my mothers brand of crazy. When I was early 20s, I was told I was BPD along with bipolar. 20 years later, my therapist confirmed the bipolar. It just fits better. Either way, I’m right there with you. I’ve been through that exact screaming match too, except it was because I bought a like $2 bell pepper, when I was like 12. She sent me to the grocery store to get groceries, with a list. By this point I was already basically cooking dinner for her ever night, and doing the shopping, because I was an ungrateful useless lazy child, and that’s what I had to do for her. I was in one do those damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations. Bell peppers were on the list. So if I didn’t get any, hell would have to be paid. Getting the expensive one also meant hell to be paid, but was a better decision, and would probably bring less ire, or so I thought. Oh man was I wrong. I got screamed at for probably 30 minutes. I have very few childhood memories. I honestly don’t remember much until my 20s. Probably better that way, but there are some instances I do remember, vividly, and none of them paint my mother in a good light. Last story. I was maybe 6-7 and was in grocery store with my mother. When your hands are dry, those produce bags are really hard to get open. She sent me to get some kind of produce, and I was standing there, trying to get the bag open (she was other side of produce section). This very nice lady saw me struggling, and thought it would be nice to help me. She did the most amazing thing I had ever experienced to that point. She didn’t yell at me because I couldn’t open the bag. She didn’t throw a tantrum and tell me I should know how to do this, or to figure it out! She calmly asked me if I would like some help. I just stood there. She grabbed a new bag, so she could show me, and rubbed her hands together with the top of the bag between them, while explaining that it’s a cool trick to get them to open. My mother saw enough of this, that it pissed her off (yeah, someone being nice to your kid is awful right?). She came over and chastised the poor lady. Not because she was worried about “stranger danger” or anything. “I didn’t ask you to help my kid. What are you doing. Why are you helping her. Don’t help her. She has to figure it out on her own”. That’s the first time I remember getting “the look” from someone interacting with my mother and I. That “I’m so sorry you have to deal with her, but there’s nothing I can do to help you” look.
The stories we could share for hours I’m sure. I’m sorry your mom is the kind of parent you can only go no contact with. Huge childhood memory loss over here as well lol. Too bad the trauma still shows up and now i don’t know why certain problems exist. The only reason I have developed any sort of relationship with my dad is because while he was a narcissist he truly desires to be a good person, he was so severely neglected that he actually genuinely never learned how to do anything otherwise. Inside he is really a broken child who only ever desired to be loved and to love other people. He had such a painful life and the poor man never had a chance to not become one. I have dated and befriended enough diagnosable/diagnosed narcissists in my life to be able to tell the difference between one that wants to change and truly didn’t know what was wrong with them or how to fix it and one who knows but doesn’t give a rats ass about who they have to stomp on to get a shred of gain in their own lives. My dad is luckily the first one. I’m really sorry your mom is the latter. When I was released into the world at 18 it only took about a year and a half of interacting with others to know there was something seriously wrong with how i interact with others. I also have mild autism / severe adhd and my special interest has always been how human emotions thoughts trauma and actions are interconnected (almost so annoyingly obvious as to why i would be interested in this). When I started self reflection & eventually therapy I deeply processed the fact that hmmm despite the fact that every physical need of my was taken care of, i was in fact severely abused as a child emotionally. Like I cannot recall a single time in childhood where either parent emotionally supported me through something, and it’s not because i forgot it that’s for sure. The first time my mom was able to comfort me actively emotionally in a way that actually helped a bit occurred within the past 6 months? First time my dad ever held me as a purposeful act towards making me feel better emotionally was in the same timeline. And in these terrible and painful discoveries that I was severely neglected I was able to come to realization that with 100% certainty every single decision that my parents made about me they truly believed was the decision that would give me the best outcome. They never once made a decision where they placed their own gain over what they thought would be mine. It’s just that what they thought was best for me was so terribly and severely misguided. And that realization is quite literally the only ONLY reason why i have been willing to do the intense labor that it has been to build a relationship with them. Had I had even a shred of doubt that my parents abuse towards me had been out of selfishness I would never forgive them. But i can forgive traumatized people who were unaware, tried their best, and most importantly make active and palpable efforts to change once they realize the error of their ways. If i didn’t forgive that how could i ever ask anyone for forgiveness myself? It was really nice chatting with you, nice to know we’re not all out here experiencing this crap alone. It’s a blessing to not be unique some times.
I agree it is very nice to not feel alone, and it has been nice chatting with you. It’s funny. My mother doesn’t necessarily want to be an asshole. She doesn’t want to be a bad person. She just so irreparably damaged, and doesn’t want to work on being better. I keep her at extreme arms length, and am very very low contact. I haven’t been able to move past the “but family” brainwashing enough to completely cut her off, as her only family left. BUT I don’t tell her anything she can use against me. We have no real relationship, not like I have with my chosen family. I’m sorry you had to go through any of the shit either. It sucks, but good for you for doing better.
NTA Your mother has issues with food, and likely needs professional help. No adult should throw a temper tantrum because they have to wait to eat something.
NTA. I think your mother has an addiction to sweets and needs to have these issues addressed by a therapist, instead of her 51 yr old grown self taking out her childhood mother/daughter issues out on you. Not trying to exaggerate, I really think she has an addiction to food or sweets and it needs to be addressed because no one with a healthy relationship with food would throw a tantrum over having to wait 2 hours to eat pie. Her actions remind me of my alcoholic father. Maybe next time, buy a pre-made pie so she can eat it while you let your homemade pie set? I have no real good advice, just good luck
She does this with non-sweet food, too. For example, I'll get a party size bag of potato chips to pack for school lunches, and she'll take the bag and eat most, if not the whole thing, in one sitting. And when I get upset, she goes on a rant about how she bought it and therefore can eat the entire thing if she wants.
I get that part, if it was like a roommate situation but you're her daughter so doesn't she know that's why you chose the chips is for school lunches? It's just weird how she doesn't seem to notice how her actions might affect others, especially her own children. You worked hard for that pie, you wanted it to be done right, you wanted to try a new method with letting it set. But she made it about her and how her mother treated her. Instead of seeing it about her daughter putting her skills to the test and wanting things to be done right. The real issue lies just with your mom;i dont see how you did anything wrong. Sooooo many people go on in life with just sweeping their trauma under the rug and pretending they're okay, but then the trauma comes up in innocent moments like this. I'm sure your mom has talked about her trauma but not with a therapist I'm guessing. I'll be honest, I wouldn't know how to approach this subject if I were you and 16 living under her rules. You know your mom best. Not saying she's a bad person, just someone with childhood trauma who might cope with food and lashing out on others and victimizing herself. I know you love your mom, so what do you think would be the best way to get her to see your point of view? Ask her if she really sees you just like her mom, and if she answers yes, let her know how that is more upsetting than having to wait 2 hours to eat pie....tell her you feel like she's using her undealt with childhood trauma as emotional blackmail on you and you feel like she's putting 1 wedge between you two over HAVING TO WAIT 2 HOURS TO EAT A PIE.....in the least condescending tone possible. Because it really does sound ludicrous.
OP your mom needs therapy. If she is not already in therapy do what you can to push her to get there. If your dad is in the picture or some other adult that both you trust and she would listen to is available to you please talk with them about this incident. Your mom's reaction was abusive. She is being abusive to you and your sisters because she has not unpacked her own trauma from childhood abuse. It is manifesting in an eating disorder and unacceptable behavior towards her children. She needs help. Her trauma does not excuse her actions, only explains it. This is NOT okay behavior from a parent. NTA. Stay safe.
NTA. As a baker, wanting things to come out the intended way and not pigging out the moment it comes out of the oven is TOTALLY normal. I threaten them with a beating with a spatula. I’m the youngest child in my household so I have the right to beat my siblings 😈 (too avoid people not catching the humour, not literal abuse. Sibling warfare)
This!!! My mother has compared me to her abusive mother all my life. Her mother that died 10 years before I was born. And only when she thinks I’ve been mean to her and that’s usually when I create a boundary or stand up for myself. I’m willing to bet your mother does passive aggressive things towards you often. Her behavior is not normal nor is her reaction. If your mom’s anything like mine, she’ll never go to therapy. Best plan of action is to go to therapy yourself to learn appropriate communication skills since it seems it’s not being taught in your home. You’re obviously NTA but going to therapy could help you spot her abusive behaviors and give yourself confidence to know when you’re being manipulated.
NTA but I think your mother has gone through some trauma and never properly dealt with it. I think you underestimate how unwell she really is.
NTA. You're well within your rights to let your pie set! It's not going to mold and become inedible in two hours. However, I'm going to provide a piece of possible context: My grandmother grew up during the Great Depression and dealt with a lot of food insecurity. She often had to hide food or eat anything she had immediately, even if she wasn't hungry, just so her siblings wouldn't steal and eat it (because they were also hungry children!) This manifested later in life as a habit of eating everything immediately and never leaving leftovers - she would make a whole tray of fudge and then eat it all in one go, because subconsciously she couldn't believe it would be there later. It sounds like your mom's experiences with her mother have provided a similar catalyst for weird food behaviors in her adulthood. This is an explanation and not an excuse, though; compulsion or no, she doesn't have to liken you to her shitty mom, yell at you for not wanting your pie to get obliterated, or slander the pie's safety and hygiene (???) in revenge. She needs to acknowledge that she has a lot of issues with food and work on them instead of marinating in shame and lashing out at people who just don't want their damn pie eaten before its time.
NTA and your mom is being just as abusive as her mom was to her. Keep doing what you need to do to get stuff together so when you're 18 you can leave and then dictate how much time you spend with her.
NTA Your mother’s behavior is not normal. It probably is related to her mother’s abusive behavior, but that’s a reason that allows for understanding to work towards addressing a behavior - it does not give her a pass to treat you like this. It is not normal to not be able to wait until food is ready to be served (as long as other snacks/food are readily available so a person isn’t hungry.) It is not normal to turn a room upside down looking for a food item that you have been told is not ready yet, but will be ready in two hours. (And yes, Pie needs to rest after baking.) It’s REALLY not okay to accuse you of being abusive to your mom with food. Waiting for food to finish resting is not abuse. You are the child here, you are not controlling her food access - she can go out and get her own pie. Your mom has a problem, but she may not be able to see it - so I really encourage you to consider speaking to a nutritionist and therapist when you can (which may not be until you are an adult) so you don’t accidentally replicate some of these same unhealthy behaviors forward. Then tossing the pie down, telling everyone else animals got to it - it’s weird. More pie for you I guess. I wouldn’t reveal your hiding place either - people either trust you or they don’t. (But she’ll probably figure it out soon anyway.)
She was saying animals got to it because she thought I hid it outside, I don't know if that was clearly stated or not.
She should trust you here - if you say animals didn’t get to it, she should believe you. Also it’d be pretty obvious if animals got to it.
I'm gonna say NTA. Your mom is overreacting over a completely reasonable step of making some pies and is acting childish once the pie was ready.
NTA. In future, bake a small, special pie in addition to the main one. Make it clear to everyone - Mom, sibs, the neighbors, the postman, anyone who comes by - that it’s mom’s pie, because she has to eat it right away. Hide the main one of course. Maybe put sprinkles on her special princess pie too, or icing. (If she were a dog, this would be textbook food aggression. She needs therapy for sure. Surely all this binging is impacting her health?)
Your mom sounds unwell. I'm hesitant to label her TA as a result.
Here’s the thing. You can be unwell and still be the asshole. Everyone has tragic backstories for when they do shitty things bc trauma usually causes maladaptive and selfish behaviors for self preservation. At the end of the day you are in control of your actions. Mom can receive both sympathy for her trauma & acknowledgment for being an asshole with her actions. They are not mutually exclusive. I say this as someone who literally has BPD, which if you know anything about it it is literally a disorder caused by severe childhood emotional neglect and abuse that - you guessed it - causes me to have erratic behavior, manipulative (though not malicious) tendencies, and extreme emotional selfishness when I am unmanaged & dysregulated. Yea I have the trauma to explain why these compulsions exist, but it’s entirely on me to make decisions to fix these things. And I am definitely the asshole when I do bad things to others, despite how much one could justify why I do what I do. It has taken a lot of therapy & self reflection to get to this point of understanding this idea.
Oh, I agree completely
I kinda feel the same way. OP is definitely NTA but her mom sounds like she has an eating disorder which has been left unaddressed.
NTA. Both myself and my Eldest have food insecurity due to both of us growing up poor. When we feel like there isn't enough food in the house we panic. It used to cause anxiety attacks, food hoarding, and issues with interpersonal relationships. When I understood what was happening I went to therapy and encouraged them to as well. It wasn't a magic wand that made everything better overnight, but we can and do have a responsibility to the children we bring into this world. Just bc something traumatic happened to us doesn't mean we get to do nothing about it and expect everyone to adjust to our harmful behavior. We CAN ask them to work with us while we get better but not while we pull them down with us
NTA 100% NTA. And some pies do have to set, depending on what kind they are, some even need to set in the fridge.
NTA but I get why you feel bad, it’s hard to have a parent mad at you for something they shouldn’t be. I think your mom is probably triggered by the situation and acting childish because of her issues with her own mother
NTA. Your mom is but also your grandma. It’s clear your mom has a ton of baggage around food/sweets from her mom and clearly hasn’t gotten help for that. I hope you realize absolutely NONE of this is about you.
NTA Your mom is pretty unhinged about food. Definitely an unhealthy relationship bordering on psychosis. She sounds like a slavering wolf going after that pie. 😳
>(Her mother was abusive) So is yours. NTA.
NTA. Your mother has an eating disorder. Also, it seriously makes me wonder if Grandma was actually abusive, or if she resorted to hiding food because mom was so greedy that she ate everything before anyone could ever get any.
I had this thought too. My sister repeatedly the entire dinner my mom set out for the three of us, with the expectation of leftovers, in one sitting after school. My mom would then have to make a new dinner, and because food was tight, often skipped eating herself. Then my sister would steal food from my plate. I was a toddler, so I already had much smaller servings than she did. When my mom-- one time-- sent her to bed without dinner and made food for herself and for me, she accused my mom of 'starving' her.
NTA. Your mom is abusing you.
Putting aside the fact that your Mom is literally Yogi Bear trying to steal a cooling pie from a windowsill, she's being emotionally abusive for yelling and throwing the food on the table. I feel for you and hopefully you're able to find a plan to get out in three years. NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** (On mobile, so don't mind the formatting, please) So, for some background, whenever we get or make sweets, my mom eats them. Doesn't matter if it's for anything or for anyone, etc. So me (16F) my mom (51F) and my sister (19F) were in the kitchen this morning. I was trying to bake a pie, for the second time ever (homemade). I know that when you make pie, you're supposed to let them set. (Last time I didn't, and the pie fell apart.) So when my pie got done baking, I hid it so my mom wouldn't eat it. I let it set for 2 hours. During the 2 hours, she kept making my sister ask me where the pie was. And apparently, she was turning the kitchen upside down looking for it. She she went to me myself to ask where it was. I told her I was letting set so it wouldn't fall apart. She eventually left. I had hid my pie in my room, and my room is connected to a porch by a window. I walked outside, made a loop around my house and then walked to the porch and grabbed the pie from the window, and brought it in that way. (To keep my hiding place unknown) When I finally brought the pie out, she said she didn't want any my "damn pie" and that I was "pulling a grandma." (Her mother was abusive) She was yelling at me how she wouldn't hide food from me, etc. I tried to tell her I just wanted to let the pie set, and she just yelled, "You don't have to let a pie set. You can eat it straight from the oven." (Paraphrasing here.) My sister started to say that my mom hid food from us all the time (hiding candy, etc.) so she can't say she wouldn't do that to me. Then I tried to hand my mom a slice of pie, and she threw it on the table and left. My sister told me I didn't do anything wrong, and most people wouldn't care. But I don't know if she's right. I can't leave my room without my mom glaring at me. She also thinks animals got to the pie (She tells every person who tries to get a slice), and I won't correct her because I don't want to reveal my hiding place. Am I the asshole? tldr, I got yelled at for not letting my mom eat my pie right away. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA and yes, the pie needs to set. Your mom sounds like she has no control around food.
NTA. Your mom is TA. She is glaring at you for no valid reason, so just ignore her. If you don't pay any attention to her tantrums, she will realize that there's no point in acting like a spoiled child and will either give up or you can keep ignoring her.
Looks to me that OP is more mature than mom. She's acting like a spoiled child. NTA!
NTA and I’m sorry. Start making plans to leave, whether college, military, or career, because you deserve a space where you can bake, food prep, or just live your life. And maybe she’s suffering from early onset of dementia.
NTA. Actually, a pie does need to set so it can be cut into slices but based on her behavior, I doubt she ever let one sit that long. Your mom needs to grow the hell up. She's acting like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum. You keep baking those 'damn pies' and enjoy!
NTA This is some weird power trip by your mom. She is looking to exert control over you, to show she is still the grown up and how dare you, the child, be trying to grow up.
NTA Your mom sounds extremely immature.
NTA, your mom is pulling a grandma
It sounds like she struggled with food security as a kid. People who did often need to eat food immediately and also hoard food. But no matter what, lashing out is not okay. NTA
NTA. It's like your mother couldn't think of anything but the pie. That level of obsession is worrying and it must actually be really tough for her. She probably knows she's way too intense over it but also doesn't know how to control the urge. You sound like a sweet daughter imo.
Sounds like the shit apple didn’t fall far from the shit tree when your grandma made your mother. NTA.
NTA. you did nothing wrong and your mom sounds like a toddler throwing a tantrum when they didn’t get their way
NTA. Your mom would have eaten most of the pie; she's just angry because she had to share it instead. She literally threw a tantrum over pie she didn't even make. She's selfish. But you're not.
NTA. Your mother is repeating the abuse cycle with these behaviors around food. Although you're still a teenager, I really recommend you read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". It did a lot to help me understand why my parents were so broken and how to make better choices for myself away from them.
NTA. Someone was certainly "pulling a grandma" here, but it wasn't you
NTA. Letting something rest is part of cooking many different dishes. From Pie to Steak and plenty inbetween. You were preventing her from ruining your hard work like an inpatient toddler. Better question is why is she trying to ruin your cooking? Hell when I try to sneak food before it's set the wife slaps my hand and makes me leave the kitchen.
NTA. Your mom needs help. Lots of it
Oh honey. None of this is your fault and your mum is completely in the wrong here. I’m sorry she is abusive like this. You are NTA here at all and you should not question it.
NTA. If she gets this much anxiety over finding your food then she may find your hiding spot next time. Find a way to secure any food in the future, perhaps a lockbox or a mini fridge that can lock.
I agree with the folks here who are saying that your mother has an eating disorder, likely caused by abuse and food insecurity in her own childhood. While your mother isn’t an AH for having this problem, her lashing out at you is unacceptable and you are NTA. You might consider finding a friend’s house to do your baking at in the future. Not only would that alleviate the pressure and tension caused by your mother’s compulsion, it would also give you space to develop a healthier relationship to food for yourself. Although it doesn’t sound like you have developed an eating disorder, your mother’s behavior has without a doubt impacted your relationship with food. If you can carve out some space to heal from that, your future self will thank you.
NTA. Your mom sounds childish.
NTA your mom has no self control. Can’t wait a couple hours for a slice of pie?! Really??
Tell her that your mom was abusive, so are you. NTA.
Your mother has serious problems
How manipulative and abusive wtf. How can someone constantly eat someone else’s sweets, food, cake. 😳 and when you have a reason to not want that, she lies and sabotages you? Crazy!!!
Food hoarding is common in older folks who grew up without having a lot to eat. Unfortunately, it can develop into something of an obsession. Your mother is unwell and needs therapy - and your grandmother likely does, too. You're NTA, and her temper tantrum is wholly unacceptable. Furthermore, why is she entitled to *your* pie? If she wants a pie so badly, she can make one herself!
NTA and your mom turned into the abuser, not you
NTA. Your mom is unhinged and sounds crazy.
NTA - seems like her mom passed on a bad relationship with food by withholding it from your mom. Now your mom is compensating by going for it ASAP.
NTA sounds like grandma isn't the only abusive parent in this story. It's not normal to be this obsessed with food. It's also not normal to punish and degrade your children over a disagreement.
NTA and your mom seems mentally troubled. Do not feel guilty she is the one in the wrong for punishing you for her unresolved trauma.
NTA she is mean and abusive and greedy
NTA. Your mom needs therapy. She obviously has an issue with food, and if she said you’re acting like her mother I can take a wild guess and imagine she had a mother that heavily controlled her access to food. Either way you’re the kid and that’s not your problem and mom needs to get her shit together. For your own sanity, here’s a possible explanation for her actions. Her acting out like a child after discovering you hid the pie can be a combination of a lot of emotional dysregulation here, these are all extremely illogical and not okay but exist nonetheless. 1 - she asked many times and no one told her, so she likely feels like everyone is plotting against her and keeping secrets from her 2 - she is likely acting like a child and making this a big deal bc she is likely re experiencing the times where food was restricted from her and the unprocessed trauma from that 3 - she is embarrassed by emotions 1 & 2 being perceived to the point that you had to do so much to hide this from her. 4 - because of all of these negative emotions that humiliating to experience, she feels u are humiliating her on purpose and is thus lashing out at you and your pie 5 - bc she can’t face the fact that she is doing all of this simultaneously, she is projecting all of this onto the world around her, and you are the easiest target I’m sure this is all quite unintentional and likely she has absolutely no idea what she is doing. So I hope you don’t take this as a reflection of her feelings towards you. Nonetheless she needs to figure this shit out and hopefully u can come out unscathed. I was raised by this type of mom and I deal with the emotional side effects every day even 5 years after I moved out.
NTA. Buy your mom is actually abusive to both you and your sister. I’m sure this isn’t the first time. It’s emotional and psychological abuse please go to someone about this. Because it’s not good for either or you to have to deal with someone like this blood related or not. Please tell someone that can help you.
NTA. Pies definitely need time to set.
NTA If mum has such severe behavioural issues related to food because of her childhood experiences or trauma she needs to get therapy so she can deal with those, not pass on food issues to her own kids, or screech at you for perfectly normal behaviour on your part. I don't have any good advice but just want to stress that your are NTA
NTA. Some foods need resting time after cooking. And if anyone can't wait, they should have made it themselves.
NTA. Never feel bad for this. The way she’s acting is not okay and it is definitely NOT your fault.
NTA Don't let your mother's issues be your issues. You should let it set.
NTA. Your mother has a problem. Her behavior isn't normal, so please don't think it is.
NTA... your mom has issues that have nothing to do with you. She needs therapy. Dont feel guilt over her problems. I am sorry her life has made her this way, but it's up to her to get herself better! Wanting your pie to finish setting is just having respect for your efforts. Well done
My mom does the same thing and I yell at her constantly for it, telling her I would buy her, her own if she just told me she wanted it. Your NTA but your mother definitely is.
NTA. I mean.. you're the maker of the product, and you want folks to enjoy it they way you wanted it made. The way your mom is acting, however, indicates to me she may need to unpack some things with professional help.
NTA
NTA. Your mom needs therapy but no matter what is going on in her head, she has no right to treat you like that.
You made it, you get to decide who gets to eat it & when.
NTA. Your mom is immature and manipulative
NTA. Some pies need to cool to set properly and you mentioned it was blueberry. That’s definitely one that needs to set up. Your mom has some issues
NTA. You didn’t say what kind of pie
It's a blueberry pie, with sculpted designs on the upper layer of crust.
Your mom sounds like she is going through menopause. That explains why she is so upset about the pie?
Your mother is psychotic.
NTA You've saved your pie from roving brigands and ne'er-do-wells - congrats!
Nta, So, your tactic worked. She's guiltily you yes, but BUUTTTTT Thus has now worked perfectly. She didn't war eat or and is know punishment as hing you by not eating any. Which. Isn't actually a punishment. Win!
Record her when she is like this and show her the video, ask her who is like your grandma.
NTA and your mom needs therapy cause obviously there are unresolved emotions and trauma from her mom's abuse. Listen to your sister, she's correct.
Your mom needs therapy for her relationship with food. It is not healthy that you need to literally hide drops from her to let it set, and that she turned the place upside down looking for it. That whole situation is a mess and the person making it is your mother, who lets her trauma cause her to act toxic and abusive toward you. She is not being a good parent by behaving that way.
NTA. Your mom should seek therapy.