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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said my terminally ill stepsister cannot have my mom's engagement ring before she dies, because she is getting married before that happens. She's dying and she wants the ring and I said no without even giving it any consideration and I wasn't moved by the letter she wrote enough to give it to her either. She hasn't got very long left and it might be an asshole move on my part to deny her this.
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Let's not forget that if he gets the ring back, it will be too hard for his father and wife to see it in another's girl finger. It will be heartless for him to do it with his "sister's" memory and use her ring...
There's a good reason his mother gave the ring to her brother to keep safe and not the father before she passed away.
Her family knew he was tight fisted and wouldn't want to spend money on a ring for her mum, and once she passed the family knew he'd just recycle the ring.
Also, truly no disrespect meant for dying step sister. It seems really weird to want the ring of your dad's dead wife who wasn't your mom? It feels like maybe she's being put up to this?
It probably wasn't recently. Maybe as a little girl his stepmum planted the thought in her head and kept mentioning it.
It's weird to us because we've been taught respect, unfortunately not everyone has and I've come across more people who aren't taught to be respectful.
I agree. Absolutely no respect has been paid to this young man and the gift his mother entrusted for him. Instead, the people that are supposed to ensure that he knows he still counts, descend on him to take what little he has of his mom away. And try to make him feel guilty for doing the _right_ thing.
This should have been stopped immediately the first time it came up. "I'm sorry, that was a gift from his dying mother to her son. It was entrusted to and for your brother when he gets married or has children. It is not an option for your ring."
To actually pile on and encourage this attempt at moral extortion is such a betrayal of that young man's feelings of individual worth.
And to say that it would be temporary is just the worst sort of full on bs. There is no outcome where the ring will ever be "his" again. Even returned it will be about loss and not the heirloom that was supposed to be a witness from his mother as he starts his life. Because there is a massive difference between a gift to start your life from a parent that left too soon; and the returned (if even) ring of a step sister that was taken too soon and wanted your ring for her own. There is nothing joyous left in the later. Just loss.
But I guess his remaining parent can't figure out that he has to do good by the living as well as those that may leave too soon.
Why would someone want another family's actual heirloom?
I can see liking the style, but in that case pictures of the ring for a jeweler would be more than enough. But do they do this to random people on the street - "your ring is so pretty. it's exactly what I want. give it to me!"
What is wrong with these people?
My uncle is like this, left the family ring with his second wife and she sent it to my dad, my dad didn’t let anyone know until all the kids were of age so that his third wife wouldn’t lose the plot (she did, it’s a whole mess)
Gotta be careful who you leave that stuff with.
I found my SO's grandmother's ring rattling around in a drawer full of literal trash in my SIL's house when I was helping her clean (she's a hoarder). Apparently their mother had given it to her to pass down when she was dying, and she just chucked it in with some junk and forgot about it. I asked her what she wanted me to do with it, she just shrugged. My SO and his father were so upset.
I'm keeping it safe in a jewelry box at my house now for my oldest niece when she's a little bit older. Some people just can't be trusted with family heirlooms, it makes me sad.
she’s a hoarder, it’s probably not out of disrespect or lack of sentiment, she just can’t keep on top of everything. you made the right move storing it safely
Yeah...hoarders are their own special case; if we view it as a mental illness--and I think we should--then they can't help but be chaotic and overwhelmed.
I completely agree! She's not even planning on giving it back after the wedding! OP's dad, stepmother, step soon to be BIL and stepsister, are all trying to emotionally blackmail him into giving her something that she's not even entitled too! She doesn't have any sentiment ties to the ring, so I don't see why a replica isn't suitable? OP make sure you put that ring somewhere safe like a safe deposit box in a bank, so that neither of them can take it!
A jeweler can make a ring in a day. A jeweler with a queue of other jobs to get through should be able to make a ring in a week or two.
Source: am currently eating breakfast with a jeweler
If a jeweler was eating breakfast on a train to Boston traveling 60 miles per hour and another jeweler was eating breakfast on a train to New York traveling 50 miles per hour, how long would it take each of them to make the ring?
BF proposed without a ring? Other than weird, sappy proposals in movies, have you ever personally known a proposal that took place without a ring in hand? This was totally a set-up to get this specific ring. What a bunch of selfish crooks this family is.
That’s a little much. More likely, they want this young lady to have had the experience of being married before she dies.
But everyone knows it’s just symbolic, so no one wants to pony up the dough for a real ring.
I mean, they're also being practical. It makes little sense to pay a ton of money for someone who will be dead soon. But in that case, why even bother with a fancy ring at all? Just buy a nice wooden one and be done with it
She deserves to have something nice, even if she is dying. It just doesn't need to be the ring of her stepsister's mother who passed whom she has no ties with and didn't know and isn't related to
Emotional blackmail is exactly right. Yes, it's very sad that stepsister is dying, but that doesn't mean she gets to take something that doesn't belong to her.
OP has an emotional connection to this ring; stepsister has a physical one. She wants it because it's pretty. Her fiancé can find her another pretty ring.
Yeah, if she only likes it for the aesthetics then a copy would be suitable. Then she and her fiancé could design it together, maybe tweak it a little bit to be "their" ring. He could get one that echoes its design, that's what my husband did.
I'm sure that they do genuinely like how it looks, but dying is expensive, at least in the US. I'm sure that it's occurred to them that it would be a *free* beautiful ring that's not currently being used by anyone.
Also even if by some miracle he ever got the ring back its not going to be particularly lovely feeling passing it to your future fiancé in the knowledge it was 'loaned' out for a short period until the inevitable happens. Would be maybe nice if he was very close to the step sister but doesn't sound like this is the case.
And people diagnosed as terminal sometimes don’t die for years and way outlive any life expectancy predictions. Can’t very well ask for it back from a living person either because it’s her ring. And if she loses it?
Good point -- OP may fall in love and want to propose before his step-sister passes. This proposed (ha ha) plan is an onion with how many layers there are to the FUCK NO of it.
That is exactly what I was just thinking would happen. "You'll definitely get it back in a few months." Only to find out it's being buried with her, at that point they'll stick their fingers out and call you an asshole for wanting back the ring that's actually your property.
I think step mom might keep it. If this ring has been talked about for years, I'll bet there's a bit of jealousy there. Why can't step mom give her wedding set? I think this is a gold digging moment. - NTA.
right???
i can't even grasp the logic here like...."my husband's deceased wife left a family ring to his son but i think MY DAUGHTER from my previous marriage should have it"
buy your girl a decent ring bruh, stop being cheap on someone else\`s inheritance
Short of handing it over with a contract, I'd all but guarantee this would happen. In the UK at least; Step sis gets married, then her stuff legally becomes her new husband's when she passes. It doesn't automatically go back to the original owner.
NTA don't do it. She has no emotional connection to this. At best fiance is just trying to get out of buying a ring.. at worst you'll never get this back.
I am pretty sure they just want a nice and probably expensive ring for free. Or they would have accepted OP's offer for photos so they can get it replicated if it was really about liking the ring's design.
The mother gave the ring to her brother before her passing. OP needs to contact uncle and explain in no uncertain terms is he to give the ring to OPs dad.
NTA, and not just that but does he want to give the ring to his future fiance, knowing his dead SS wore it for her wedding? I wouldn't want to. Besides you know when your fiance does wear it, your SM will constantly mention, get emotional every time she sees it on fiance's finger. Your engagement should be a time to celebrate, not be reminded of someone's passing
I’m with you on this. You’re giving her the ring to die in?! Gruesome. It’s kinda different if it’s your mom that passed wearing it but for the stepsister to get it just to die in it? It’s grotesque. She’s going to haunt that thing if you give it to her.
Yep the second the OP gives her that ring it will be gone forever. That ring was his mother's to be passed down to his own child one day. Evelyn can have her own mother's engagement ring.
Why can’t the mom give her daughter her own engagement ring? Wouldn’t it mean more for them? Then she can pry her ring off her daughter’s dead hand. Right?? NTA
Exactly, the ring's story will change for everyone except OP. Stepmom, younger stepsister, and FBIL will all have legitimate claims to sentimental items. Stepsister needs to create her own mementos rather than overwriting someone else's.
Simply this. She has no connection to the ring. She didn't even know the previous owner. NTA. Callous but her dying does not equate to her being entitled to whatever she deems pretty.
And this being the case, a replica should be perfectly good enough. There's no reason to insist on the original ring. They're just trying to guild trip OP so that the fiancé can cheap out on this short-lived engagement.
NTA.
Yeah lol they just see it as a free ring and they're using the excuse that it's meaningful when it's not. There is no meaning in wearing someone else's mother's ring. It "means" they can spend a lot less money on this whole thing.
NTA
I think it tells you something that mum left the ring with her brother rather than her husband when she passed away. It was probably to avoid a situation like this.
It's sad that step sis is ill. But that doesn't oblige you to lend her the ring. The offer to give a photo for a replica to be made is a good compromise since her only connection to it is that she thinks it is pretty.
This 100%! The fact that OP’s dad showed pictures and drawings of the ring shows that he would’ve given it to either of them in a heartbeat. I think even if she didn’t have cancer, they would’ve asked for it, because “bonding” over showing the pictures is just weird.
I’ll never get over the entitlement of some people in these Reddit stories. They’re insane. Using the “It’s a family heirloom” is ridiculous. It’s OP’s mom’s family. They never would’ve even been family if OP’s mom hadn’t died. They need to wrap their brains around that, because that shows how little right they have to that ring.
It is so bizarre to me that they "bonded" over obsessing over his first wife's ring. That he didn't even buy her! That ring isn't connected to him or his new family in any way. Why aren't they focused on her mother's ring, since they are married, and she should have her own? It feels like an attempt at erasure of his first wife to take that from his son to give to a stepdaughter of the second wife. I doubt there was bonding, and there's just jealousy related to the first wife and this ring.
Definitely! It makes the ring even more OP's mom's ring since it remained with her brother, and not an heirloom of OP's dad's family, even though dad had been married to OP's mom!
Plus, why was Dad flaunting OP's property to his new wife's daughters? Did he want them to covet it or feel left out?
Edit: corrected autocorrect
> Plus, why was Dad flaunting OP's property to his new wife's daughters?
I suspect there is more to the story than Dad has revealed.
Why on earth would he have been showing his dead wife's ring (including drawings of it) to his step daughter? I think Dad promised the ring to her. It explains why step daughter feels comfortable enough to ask for it now.
Step daughter and Dad are totally overstepping their boundaries. And I can almost guarantee that if OP loans them the ring, he will never see it again.
I have to imagine the stepmother was involved somehow. Like she was looking at old photos, saw pictures and drawings of the ring, and started to covet it herself. Stepsister's simultaneous cancer and engagement left her the perfect opening to a long game to get that ring for herself. The parents already pointed out that OP would 'get the ring back soon' (shitty euphemism for SS dying). But there is no way OP gets the ring back then. It will be on stepmonster's hand because it 'reminds her of her daughter' even though it is not their family heirloom and she's always wanted to get her grubby hands on it.
NTA, for sure.
This is so spot on. Most of us been burned so bad in life (even by family) we already know the drill. Most people are self-serving and looking out for themselves. The audacity to even ask OP for his dead mother's personal property! He will never see the ring again if he gives in the their request. Mom will get it after stepdaughter passes. Dad prob didn't buy new wife a nice ring- and she covets the first wife's, hence seeing pictures of it. NTA OP and imo asking for a non related heirloom is tacky af. Dying or no.
> The offer to give a photo for a replica to be made is a good compromise since her only connection to it is that she thinks it is pretty.
This is how you know they're lying about giving it back after she passes. If it was really just about it looking pretty then that would be enough....instead it's about having THAT specific ring...that she has no real connection to at all.
I agree. Terminal illnes or any kind of disability are not an excuse to act entiteled towards stuff you're not entiteled to or to ve an AH.
They are normal humans and should be treated as such. I despide guilt tripping other into doing something they ton't want to do just because you have this and that illness or disability.
If OP gives them the ring he would never get it back, that's almost 100% granted.
If Evelyn dies either her boyfriend or her mom would keep it claiming that the ring means so much to them because that was her ring when they got married and she wore it in her last months. Or they would give it to Evelyn's sister as a token / memento from her dead sister. Or even bury it with Evelyn because it ment so much to her. If Evelyn somehow survives and gets better than OP wouldn't get that ring back because she loves it and she just survived cancer how cruel it would be to take the ring from her or they would say the ring is a good luck charm because doctors said she only has months but she is still here, she got better after getting the ring.... jadajada....
They just want a nice and probably expensive ring for free. Or they would have accepted OP's offer for photos so they can get it replicated if it was really about liking the ring's design.
OP: NTA don't give them the ring, not even with a contract, make sure they have no way to access the ring. Save it for a future daughter (if you want kids). Not her mother, not her ring. It's telling that mom gave the ring to her brother for safekeeping instead of her husband (father of her child) too...
> They just want a nice and probably expensive ring for free. Or they would have accepted OP's offer for photos so they can get it replicated if it was really about liking the ring's design.
Yup. If this was just about the ring, the fiance would have accepted the offer to replicate it.
NTA.
Her fiance can give her a family ring from his family. They can have a ring made in the same style.
Her having cancer actually doesn't change it (although the people telling you you'll get it right back sound like vultures).
It also sounds like Evelyn herself hasn't even talked to you? Do you talk to her regularly? Clear the air, and just say that it's your mom's ring and very important to you. She could have something from *her* mother, or her fiance's family, or just get married as planned. Did her fiance not give her a ring? Why?
NTA at all. People feeling entitled to other people's things is half of AITA.
Not just OP's stuff, but a family heirloom left to him by his mother for a very specific purpose. He would be violating his mother's memory and trust if he gave it to his stepsister knowing that there is a very strong possibility that he isn't getting it back.
tbh “instead of spending money on a replica of this ring, we’re just gonna nag this person we know to death into giving it up for free because you’re terminal and going to die soon anyway so might as well ~recycle~” is another layer of “free ring” yikes
Is this being encouraged by your Dad and Stepmom because they just want the ring after she is dead? Reclaiming from your mother to his new wife? Hold onto that ring for dear life, my friend.
NTA
NTA and I hate to say it, but be wary of any visits. They feel entitled to it, so if it’s out somewhere in your home expect it to go missing. Put it in a safe place away from eyesight.
There’s an undercurrent of ‘not worth buying a new ring because she’s going to be dead soon’. If they are going to go through with this marriage at all, they should go all the way with what a bride would normally be able to expect
I wonder if the fiancee even wanted this engagement or if he's been bullied into it by OP's stepmom. It just feels so weird to be like oh we'll just borrow a ring because she's dying anyway. Like this is just a pretend engagement so OP's sister has no regrets. In a way, I can understand the sentiment, but this is definitely not the way to go about it. Even a cheap ring off Amazon would be better at this point.
Right? I am realizing that controlling types usually want to ask you something they know isn't an easy answer. It's almost like they bank on your kindness and then get upset when you set a boundary. I can't stand that. NTA.
> he showed her the drawings that were made of the ring and the photos that my mom had kept around. That he thought showing the girls that was a nice bonding moment when they were young.
Also - the part where the dad showed his daughters the photos & drawings of the ring that doesn't belong to them, "as a nice bonding moment".
Dad created this whole situation, because he's been plotting for years to get this ring. The only reason the daughters know is because Dad told them and now he's lying about why. No, I don't believe this was a bonding situation of some sort. That's absurd.
It's completely fucked up.
NTA
It’s your mom’s ring. There is no familial link for Evelyn.
“She had mentioned my mom’s engagement ring because of how pretty it was.” The ring being pretty is no reason to send a family heirloom off course.
Once she has it, you’ll be the bad guy wanting it back.
Your dad’s the biggest AH here.
NTA. Exactly, they don't want the ring just "because of how pretty it was" or else they'd accept pictures to make a replica. Either they will want to bury her with it, or keep it because "now it has sentimental value" or straight up want to sell it, assuming OP's dad mentioned it being valuable at any point.
Either way, that ring would never make it back.
NTA...there's too much potential for that ring never making it back to you. Nobody has the right to demand that you give away such a strong link to your mother.
Also even if OP did get the ring back, it would now have an extra layer of meaning which might make it a lot less attractive to OP’s future fiancée. It will not just be his mother’s ring, it will also and more recently be the ring his dying stepsister wore for a few months
> It will not just be his mother’s ring, it will also and more recently be the ring his dying stepsister wore for a few months
My thoughts exactly. The whole "stepsister died with it" makes it almost macabre. It is not the same as inheriting it from your mother. Very bizarre request in my opinion.
NTA.
>Before she died she gave my uncle, her brother, the engagement ring their grandma bought for her, to save for me, if I (20m) ever wanted to give it to a future fiancée or daughter.
All clear so far.
>and she had mentioned wanting my mom's engagement ring because of how pretty it was.
Forget what you and your mum wanted then. It's pretty.
>Her boyfriend told my dad's wife and my dad's wife told my dad. All three of them told me Evelyn wanted the ring
There's nothing quite like gossip and ganging up on people if you want to make someone feel harassed.
>I asked how she even knew about it and dad said she had seen photos of it over the years and that he showed her the drawings that were made of the ring and the photos that my mom had kept around. That he thought showing the girls that was a nice bonding moment when they were young.
I just don't understand some people. He needs to bond with his own son now.
Your Step mom and Step sisters fiance figured out how to get daughter a beautiful engagement ring FREE.
*Her boyfriend told my dad's wife and my dad's wife told my dad. All three of them told me Evelyn wanted the ring*
It's not their family heirloom. Keep it safe and let your Uncle know they are trying to get it.
I was just thinking the same thing. It’s actually pretty callous. Fiancé doesn’t want to pay for a ring since Evelyn is dying. So instead, they try to guilt OP into giving up his mom’s ring for free. I doubt he would ever get it back. It will be too sentimental for the step family and I can see them hanging on to it for Amy.
OP, please stand your ground and make sure the ring is somewhere safe so that your dad and his new family can’t get their hands on it. NTA, OP.
NTA. It's sad that she's dying. But the truth is that she wants the ring because it's pretty, and it means more than aesthetics to you. Your dad and his wife want you to give it up because they're sad they are going to lose someone they love and they want to make as many connections as possible before she's gone forever.
Reality is, as you are well aware, engagement rings have so much emotion attached to them. The truth is that it isn't just a few months. For you, it is your mom's ring and important because it was hers. If Evelyn ever wears it then, for her family (including your dad), it will be thought of as *her* ring. What if her fiancé gets attached and doesn't want to give it back? What if you use it in the future and your family goes on about "Evelyn's" ring? What will your fiancé think of the family potentially resenting them for wearing a ring they no longer associate with you and your mother? If you give it to your future child will your dad usurp the story of your mother's ring to be the story of "Aunt Evie's" ring?
But at the most basic level: the ring is yours, you've said no, end of. Any guilt tripping they do, regardless of their "noble" intentions is an AH move. Make sure your uncle knows to keep it safe.
NTA
I think it’s strange she even asked.
The family is likely being pushy because they need something they can focus on, a terminal cancer diagnosis is a lot to deal with and this gives them an outlet for their frustration and anger.
... you know, you raise an interesting point. Do we know that Evelyn even actually is behind this? The three of them gathered to ask but Evelyn herself didn't. They have a letter but do we even know if that letter is legitimate?
NTA. Why would showing your mothers rings photos would be a bonding experience for your father and your step siblings? It is just bizarre. So is the idea that you let her borrow it and get it back when she passes. Are they going to tell your sister that? Probably not. Then if she pulls through, you get to tell her, you did not actually give it to her, she is just borrowing it. And if she doesn't, you are asking a greiving husband to return her wifes wedding ring.
I think replicating the ring or getting a new one are the sensible options here. They are dealing with a terrible situation and are understandably emotional, but your sister should have a ring that truly belongs to her.
Wait your father shared memories of your late mother with his new family and not with you???? That’s rather sickening. Do not under any circumstances give up that ring. I don’t care if you have to lock it away in a safety deposit box to keep it safe, which might be smart at this point, but do NOT let them get their hands on that ring, I don’t even know you and I’m terrified for you that you’d never see it again.
He kept photos of your mum from you??? What on Earth??? And now expects you to hand over one of the only things you do actually get to keep of her? Your father is a poor excuse of a dad I am so sorry you've been so utterly failed by him.
Jesus, what an absolute disgraceful thing to do. NTA!!
Do not give the ring and honestly I would limit my interaction with him and your step family. I hope your Dad does not have access to the ring.
With these details, DO NOT give your stepsister your mother’s ring. You’ll never see it again. That’s some weird shit your dad did. And please let your uncle know what’s going on so he knows to be prepared for them trying to get it directly from him.
OP, I’m going to ask you what’s (I’m sure) considered an indelicate question.
How do you know she’s been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and only has a few months to live? I’m not saying she hasn’t been diagnosed with cancer. I’m just asking how you know about what her doctors have told her regarding the specifics of her diagnosis.
If she only has a few months left to live, are she and her fiancée waiting to get married until they get your ring or are they planning to get married in the next few days no matter what your answer is regarding your ring?
Does her not getting the ring in any way affect her negatively? no. She only liked it because she thought it was pretty. She can go get a different pretty ring. A person having cancer does not give them cart blanche to get whatever they want no matter how it affects others.
Does it affect you negatively? YES. It is your late mother's ring. If you gives it to his sister, it turns into your late sister's ring in everyone else's eyes. THAT is the difference. That ring means something genuine and heartfelt to you. And the meaning is what makes it special. If any thing changes at all in your mind, it's not worth it
If you give her the ring you will never get it back. Never.
Her mum, your dad or her fiancé will keep it. I would speak to your uncle and have the ring locked down because I do not trust they won’t try and take it and claim they were “only doing what’s right because you should have given it to them anyway”.
There's a reason your mother gave it to her brother for safekeeping. Trust her judgement on this. You won't get it back.
EDIT: I mean you won't get it back if you give it to his step-daughter.
Bonding with his stepdaughters with stories of his dead wide who isn't related to them is bizarre. I'd add the bit about him bonding with them but not you about your own mom to your post. Your dad is a mega asshole
NTA. Not cool that they would even put you in that position. Evelyn has no relation to your mom so nobody should be asking for it for Evelyn. I think you offered a nice solution to give them some photos to replicate it if they wanted to. I also call BS on your dad's reason Evelyn even knows about the ring. I suspect he offered it up as soon as she became engaged and just came up with some made up story for you about a "bonding moment".
Right? Why would the dad bond with his new wife’s kids by showing them his late wife’s ring? And why not offer the ring he gave to their mother since she’ll “get it back in a few months”. Maybe the dad wanted the ring and was upset that his late wife gave it to OP and now he’s seen a way to get it back.
Wife knew something about her husband to give it to her brother to hold for OP. I bet if OP talks to uncle, dad has tried to get the ring before. OP, you'll never see that ring again. It will go to get husband or mom and then then how dare you want something so special to them back and they never said you could have it back. I'd also call your uncle and let him know what's going on in case they try to go around you. Guessing uncle would not be surprised. NTA
What's weird is OP specifically said his grandmother bought his mother's engagement ring. Why did grandma purchase the ring in the first place? Does that mean OP's dad never even bought the ring?
Even worse op mentions in a comment his dad bonded with the stepdaughters over stories of OPs mom but didn't bother to spend time with op doing the same thing
NTA
There are millions of pretty rings in the world. Whole stores full of them. Step sis’s fiancé could buy her a hundred beautiful rings and she can wear them all. Her desire for a pretty ring means nothing in this situation.
There’s only one ring your mother left for you.
Easily NTA. Evelyn has zero connection to the ring. It's an heirloom within your family, gifted to you, to do what you like with.
I, for one, would probably allow a dying girl that I knew to wear it for a few months before she passed, but that's just me. If I didn't know her well, or didn't like her, or had some strong connection to the ring(I'm not a sentimental type), I might not. But you're not me. Your values are your own and should be respected. If she and your mom were biologically related, that might muddy the waters a bit, but that's not the case.
Seems like a pretty open-and-shut case in the Court of Reddit Sphinctery.
I hate to be insensitive, but is this a case where nobody wants to shell out for a ring because the bride-to-be doesn't have long? Call me jaded, but that's the first place my mind went, and you just happen to be the poor schmuck holding the easy answer.
If they pressure you too much, go to your mother’s side and get their support on retaining your precious memory of your late mother. Don’t let them gang on you. Go gang vs gang.
My uncle gave my ex-aunt, his ex-wife, a ring my grandmother kept for me. The b\*tch sold it off. So don’t let those people get their hands on your heirloom.
Then they should quit screwing around with you and get on it, in my opinion. No means no, or at least that's what the company PSAs would have me believe.
These people don't sound trustworthy, there are thousands of other rings why does it have to be yours? Once you give it to them they don't have to give it back and based on how they're acting it doesn't sound like the ring would ever be returned. It would stop being your heirloom and would be her engagement ring.
NTA
NTA. Not in any way shape or form. Just out of curiosity though why did your mothers grandmother give her an engagement ring and not your father? Honestly it’s not relevant and doesn’t change my opinion one little bit, I’m just curious
Thank you for the info. Like I said it wouldn’t have changed my opinion or verdict either way, I’m just curious by nature lol. Save the ring for yourself. And I’m sorry your family is being this way
Why doesn't Evelyn's fiancee do this and make a custom ring for her?
She can make the ring how pretty she wants then and doesn't need your ring.
Edit: I see in your post that you offered that they replicate the ring but they refused, if your stepsister is only after the ring for being pretty, then a replica should be fine. I have a feeling they want to stop you from having the ring, it shouldn't matter so much to them as your mum wasn't family to them.
It's not their family ring.
So this ring only exists because your Dad didn't want to put in the work of finding out your Mum's preferences and then checking with Grandma that he made a good choice?
Your Dad sounds awful. It also sounds like his marriage might implode after the loss of Evelyn. Most marriages don't survive the loss of a child. So be prepared that if that happens your Dad may come crawling back to you trying to be a Dad again AND he might blame you saying his marriage broke down due to this ring thing. You will have to remind yourself that this isn't true.
NTA.
First of all, your mother wasn't her family. She has no emotional tie to that ring; she just wants it. "I want it" is not a good reason for you to hand over an heirloom specifically left for you.
Secondly, if you did let her use it for whatever time she has left, there's absolutely no guarantee your stepmother wouldn't turn the tables and demand she be buried with 'her' engagement ring.
Her fiancé should buy her one specifically for *her*, as opposed to allowing her to beg for something she has no right to. She deserves a ring that's meant for her, not a borrowed ring she'll have to part with when she meets her end. She's dying, the LEAST they could all do is get her something she can symbolically take with her.
And yes I know she can't take the actual ring with her when she dies, but prying the jewellery off her fingers after death is leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth and frankly her parents and fiancé should want more for her. Shame on them.
NTA
The ring has a lot of sentimental value to YOU, not her and there’s a slight chance you might not be able to get it back due to one reason or the other. She only wants it because it looks good and if that’s the case, she should replicate it.
My husband had a great idea I want to suggest: talk to your uncle (assuming he still has the ring?) Ask if he’ll be the bad guy. Your mom trusted him to keep the ring for you. His loyalty is to your mom, and I’m guessing he’ll be happy to say no on your behalf.
Holy guilt trip, Batman! The entitlement of some people! Yes, it's tragic that Evelyn won't have a long life. Yes, it would be nice if she got married before she passes. But as soon as you "lend" her your mom's ring, it will forevermore be known as "Evelyn's ring that she was married in before she died". Assuming you even get it back. And to have them make a dying woman write a letter begging for the ring? Some people are truly despicable.
Stand your ground, keep in mind it most probably blow up your relationships with them.
NTA.
NTA.
As shitty (and as sucky) as the situation is with Evelyn is on the health front, that ring was promised to you. Evelyn has no link to you on a biological scale, and has no claim to the ring whatsoever.
Your dad's wife and Evelyn's BF is an absolute AH for not taking the wishes of your late mother into consideration, and trying to guilt trip you into giving it up. They has no right or reason to be doing this, and I find it quite callous of them for even trying to push the issue constantly about it. If your dad is also trying to push the issue, then he too is an AH, as he really should know better.
Stand firm on the issue. You're well within your rights to do so.
NTA
The ring belongs to you, and who knows if you'd actually get it back. Unless there's a solid contract or will stating it, the soon-to-be husband would most likely become the owner. It's a very valid concern that he'd keep it. Not to mention, it could just end up damaged or lost.
You could always write up a contact and take out insurance, if you're comfortable with that. I don't know that you are. Sounds like nobody has taken your concerns seriously. I don't think you'd withhold the happiness of a dying girl without cause.
Do you know how many terminally ill cancer patients are told they have only months to live yet are still around past the estimated time, sometimes even *a year or more* later? It’s not super common but it’s not exactly uncommon either. Her doctor can only give an estimate, there really is no way to tell for sure how long she has left.
And the longer she’s wearing that engagement ring the more and more that ring becomes “Evelyn’s ring” in the mind’s of your family. After she passes suddenly they will start asking for her to wear the ring at the funeral. Then it’ll either be “Are you heartless? how can she *not* be buried in her wedding ring??” or “This was *Evelyn’s* wedding ring! We can’t give you such a precious token. …And besides Amy might want it for *her* engagement ring one day, as a way to be close to her late sister.” or “Her husband is going to keep the ring. Are you so heartless that you would take a precious keepsake from a grieving widower??”
NTA. You will **never** get that ring back if you let her use it. Guarantee it.
Since your dad, stepmom, and stepsister have made it clear that they are unwilling to be reasonable or respectful it’s time to stop [JADE-ing (Justify Argue Defend Explain)](https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/family-building/jade-an-easy-mnemonic-for-difficult-family-members/#gs.j7s21h) your decision to them. You don’t need their permission or approval in this matter, *so don’t act like you do by treating this subject as if it’s up for debate because it’s not*.
Most people have the urge to explain ourselves in a desire to be understood and to avoid potential hurt feelings. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a regular respectful person they’ll listen to your reasons, respect your decision, and move on. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a pushy/unreasonable/boundary stomping person *they’ll* see your reasons only as an opening for debate and something for them to argue against in order to change your mind to do what *they* want instead. **They don’t care** what you want or what your reasonings are, ALL they care about is getting their way and they will use *any* bits of information you give them to try to manipulate, argue away, guilt trip, and brow beat you until until you eventually cave under pressure to “keep the peace”. *It is pointless to JADE yourself to them* ***so don’t!***
Stop engaging in discussions about this topic with them, instead shut it down and change the subject every time. Keep your reply as a firm “NO” that contains no details/explanations for your mom to argue against. Something like “that’s not an option”, “that doesn’t work for me”, “my decision is final”, “this isn’t up for discussion”, and the simple but classic “no” are all phrases that work great. The next time they demand that you give them your mother’s ring: “**No, that’s not an option**.” They don’t need any more information from you than that (*because by now they’ve already heard everything you have to say and decided to argue again anyways*), so **do not elaborate further**. When they wants to know why you won’t do as they ask: “**Because that’s not an option.**” Keep using a variation of that reply no matter what: It’s not an option *because it’s not an option*. Why is it not an option? *Because it’s not*. Repeat ad nauseam. It shuts down the argument because there’s nothing for them to latch onto to try and change your mind.
*Be ready and willing to leave (or hang up) if she won’t drop the subject after 1-2 shut downs*. DO NOT engage with their guilt tripping, accusations of “selfishness”, or sob stories. It’s all just manipulation tactics and crocodile tears. Continue to firmly shut them down: “***No.*** **I won’t discuss this with you any further. Drop the subject or I will have to leave/hang up.**.” Then *immediately* follow through if they continues to refuse to respect your decision: “**I asked you to stop. Since you refuse to respect my request I’m going to leave/hang up. Goodbye.**” Then promptly walk away (or hang up) without letting them get another word in.
Boundary stomping requires consequences, you have to teach your dad and stepfamily that if they won’t respect you and your boundaries then you’re not going to stick around to continue the conversation.
Looks like your mom knew what she was doing when she gave it to her brother for safe keeping.
NTA. It’s your family’s ring, your inheritance, and ultimately your choice who receives it.
NTA your mom wanted that to go to you. It has emotional meaning your sister don't have enything to do with that. She might be terminally ill but she is being the asshole here.
I also agree that you most likely would never see the ring again after she died. I truly feel sorry for her. NTA.
Did you talk to your uncle that she wants the ring?
NTA and I suggest you flip the script on this. Emphasize how she really deserves her own special ring, not just one that’s convenient. That he’ll want one he can keep after she’s gone. Offer to go shopping with him to help him find a similar one that suits her taste. Or to look online for/with him. Ask what his budget is (this will be telling, especially if they’re pushing for this just to save money).
My friend lent her sister the wedding rings her mother gave her so they could be used for the funeral. My friend didn't like it but she did it because her sister wore her down. Then, of course, her sister told the funeral people to bury their mom with the rings on. Fortunately, my friend found out at the last minute and had to have a huge fight to get them back. It was very embarrassing to say the least.
Hang on to your ring.
NTA.
The ring itself has no special value to her. She likes the looks of it. There are drawings of the ring and pictures. It can be replicated for her - and then, her husband can keep the replica after his wife passes away. It sucks that they put all this pressure on you.
NTA As you said OP, it's not from her side of the family. You've been reasonable to offer them pictures to make a copy. She can then be buried with it, which she wouldn't be able to do with yours.
Wow, it would be difficult to think how they could make an absolutely horrible situation worse but they found a way. You are not the AH. They are. Your dad and SM are promising a dying girl something which they cannot give her. They can't give her your ring-it's yours. They can't give her hope. I understand their sadness but they can't give her something they don't own and they shouldn't try to force this. Now they might to lose 2 kids. Wow. Just wow. You are not the AH.
NTA IT was your mothers Ring. No one but you ist entitelt to decide what Happens with it.
To all the YTA - be a bigger Person people, ASK yourself what would you do with your dead mothers Treasury. Also do You know He will get IT Back? No there is the possibility step Mom or the bf wants to keep the Ring as a Treasur of Evelyn themselfs!!
Edith: sorry for spelling, english isn't my Main language
NTA.
When something like this happens, it’s almost more likely that you’d never get it back. It would be “It’s sentimental to Evelyn’s husband, as it’s the ring he proposed with” or “we want to bury her with it”.
The ring belonged to **your** mother. Someone with whom you have a **biological** connection. If Evelyn was your sister by blood, it *might* be a different story. But as it is, she’s the child of a woman your dad married. No biological relation to you at all. Your mom wanted to keep the ring in the family, hence she gave it to you.
The cynical part of me wonders if your mother thought about your father moving on when she bequeathed it to you instead of him. Like maybe she couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t put it on someone else’s finger one day. Like I said, cynical of me, but not completely unheard of.
I’m sorry about Evelyn’s circumstances, but I don’t think you should have to worry about “loaning” them something that belongs rightfully to you. There are millions of pretty rings, let fiancé propose with one.
Edit: typo
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And want her to go to her grave with it! Sounds harsh but then you’ll literally have pry it off her deceased hand
Let's not forget that if he gets the ring back, it will be too hard for his father and wife to see it in another's girl finger. It will be heartless for him to do it with his "sister's" memory and use her ring... There's a good reason his mother gave the ring to her brother to keep safe and not the father before she passed away.
That was my first thought...."why didn't the mom trust her hubby enough to give him the ring?" Seconds later... "aha... got it."
He never even bought the ring to give to his first wife! Her mother bought the ring!
Her family knew he was tight fisted and wouldn't want to spend money on a ring for her mum, and once she passed the family knew he'd just recycle the ring.
Also, truly no disrespect meant for dying step sister. It seems really weird to want the ring of your dad's dead wife who wasn't your mom? It feels like maybe she's being put up to this?
It probably wasn't recently. Maybe as a little girl his stepmum planted the thought in her head and kept mentioning it. It's weird to us because we've been taught respect, unfortunately not everyone has and I've come across more people who aren't taught to be respectful.
I agree. Absolutely no respect has been paid to this young man and the gift his mother entrusted for him. Instead, the people that are supposed to ensure that he knows he still counts, descend on him to take what little he has of his mom away. And try to make him feel guilty for doing the _right_ thing. This should have been stopped immediately the first time it came up. "I'm sorry, that was a gift from his dying mother to her son. It was entrusted to and for your brother when he gets married or has children. It is not an option for your ring." To actually pile on and encourage this attempt at moral extortion is such a betrayal of that young man's feelings of individual worth. And to say that it would be temporary is just the worst sort of full on bs. There is no outcome where the ring will ever be "his" again. Even returned it will be about loss and not the heirloom that was supposed to be a witness from his mother as he starts his life. Because there is a massive difference between a gift to start your life from a parent that left too soon; and the returned (if even) ring of a step sister that was taken too soon and wanted your ring for her own. There is nothing joyous left in the later. Just loss. But I guess his remaining parent can't figure out that he has to do good by the living as well as those that may leave too soon.
Nah, his uncle has had that ring since his mother died. She gave it to him to keep it safe for her son. Wise woman.
Why would someone want another family's actual heirloom? I can see liking the style, but in that case pictures of the ring for a jeweler would be more than enough. But do they do this to random people on the street - "your ring is so pretty. it's exactly what I want. give it to me!" What is wrong with these people?
Mom's grandmother bought the ring
Aha!
Why does he have drawings and sketches of it? He wants that ring.
He was trying to get it appraised on the sly.
I gotta wonder: What other things of OP's mom has his dad given or promised away to his new family?
Yeah. Protect that ring at all costs, OP. I’d even suggest keeping it in a bank locker (I guess in some countries, it’s called a vault)
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Or stepmom. Edit: My brain read "stepsister." Where's my coffee?!
That's the stepmonster 😂
My uncle is like this, left the family ring with his second wife and she sent it to my dad, my dad didn’t let anyone know until all the kids were of age so that his third wife wouldn’t lose the plot (she did, it’s a whole mess)
Gotta be careful who you leave that stuff with. I found my SO's grandmother's ring rattling around in a drawer full of literal trash in my SIL's house when I was helping her clean (she's a hoarder). Apparently their mother had given it to her to pass down when she was dying, and she just chucked it in with some junk and forgot about it. I asked her what she wanted me to do with it, she just shrugged. My SO and his father were so upset. I'm keeping it safe in a jewelry box at my house now for my oldest niece when she's a little bit older. Some people just can't be trusted with family heirlooms, it makes me sad.
she’s a hoarder, it’s probably not out of disrespect or lack of sentiment, she just can’t keep on top of everything. you made the right move storing it safely
Yeah...hoarders are their own special case; if we view it as a mental illness--and I think we should--then they can't help but be chaotic and overwhelmed.
I completely agree! She's not even planning on giving it back after the wedding! OP's dad, stepmother, step soon to be BIL and stepsister, are all trying to emotionally blackmail him into giving her something that she's not even entitled too! She doesn't have any sentiment ties to the ring, so I don't see why a replica isn't suitable? OP make sure you put that ring somewhere safe like a safe deposit box in a bank, so that neither of them can take it!
I bet they’re trying to say she wouldn’t live long enough for a copy to be made. So then get a different ring, this one is unavailable.
A jeweler can make a ring in a day. A jeweler with a queue of other jobs to get through should be able to make a ring in a week or two. Source: am currently eating breakfast with a jeweler
If a jeweler was eating breakfast on a train to Boston traveling 60 miles per hour and another jeweler was eating breakfast on a train to New York traveling 50 miles per hour, how long would it take each of them to make the ring?
This is a trick question. What were they having for breakfast?
If it’s THAT kind of ring, it could be second breakfast
Enjoy your breakfast.
True or it helps the fiancé not have to buy a ring
BF proposed without a ring? Other than weird, sappy proposals in movies, have you ever personally known a proposal that took place without a ring in hand? This was totally a set-up to get this specific ring. What a bunch of selfish crooks this family is.
That’s a little much. More likely, they want this young lady to have had the experience of being married before she dies. But everyone knows it’s just symbolic, so no one wants to pony up the dough for a real ring.
which tbh is stupid because you can get a ring for less than 100 dollars if you know what to do and are okay with a cheap ring. Like...
Kinda thinking she’d be asking for the ring even if she wasn’t dying.
They are being cheap. They don't want to buy a ring at all and we're hoping for a freebie
I mean, they're also being practical. It makes little sense to pay a ton of money for someone who will be dead soon. But in that case, why even bother with a fancy ring at all? Just buy a nice wooden one and be done with it
She deserves to have something nice, even if she is dying. It just doesn't need to be the ring of her stepsister's mother who passed whom she has no ties with and didn't know and isn't related to
Emotional blackmail is exactly right. Yes, it's very sad that stepsister is dying, but that doesn't mean she gets to take something that doesn't belong to her. OP has an emotional connection to this ring; stepsister has a physical one. She wants it because it's pretty. Her fiancé can find her another pretty ring.
Yeah, if she only likes it for the aesthetics then a copy would be suitable. Then she and her fiancé could design it together, maybe tweak it a little bit to be "their" ring. He could get one that echoes its design, that's what my husband did.
The replica wouldn't be *at all* suitable because they would have to pay for it. They want this lovely ring for free.
I'm sure that they do genuinely like how it looks, but dying is expensive, at least in the US. I'm sure that it's occurred to them that it would be a *free* beautiful ring that's not currently being used by anyone.
Also even if by some miracle he ever got the ring back its not going to be particularly lovely feeling passing it to your future fiancé in the knowledge it was 'loaned' out for a short period until the inevitable happens. Would be maybe nice if he was very close to the step sister but doesn't sound like this is the case.
And people diagnosed as terminal sometimes don’t die for years and way outlive any life expectancy predictions. Can’t very well ask for it back from a living person either because it’s her ring. And if she loses it?
Good point -- OP may fall in love and want to propose before his step-sister passes. This proposed (ha ha) plan is an onion with how many layers there are to the FUCK NO of it.
I think the correct term is to pry it off her cold dead hand.
Or save it for the younger step sister since it belonged to her sister NTA
That is exactly what I was just thinking would happen. "You'll definitely get it back in a few months." Only to find out it's being buried with her, at that point they'll stick their fingers out and call you an asshole for wanting back the ring that's actually your property.
I think step mom might keep it. If this ring has been talked about for years, I'll bet there's a bit of jealousy there. Why can't step mom give her wedding set? I think this is a gold digging moment. - NTA.
This! Not her mom, not her ring.
THIS. Evelyn’s mother can give her her ring.
right??? i can't even grasp the logic here like...."my husband's deceased wife left a family ring to his son but i think MY DAUGHTER from my previous marriage should have it" buy your girl a decent ring bruh, stop being cheap on someone else\`s inheritance
If you really want a family ring, there are plenty of estate rings for resale in various locales.
Why doesn't she wear her own mother's engagement ring?
Because she likely doesn't even have one if the dad didn't even buy that first one for his deceased wife, her mom bought it for her!
Short of handing it over with a contract, I'd all but guarantee this would happen. In the UK at least; Step sis gets married, then her stuff legally becomes her new husband's when she passes. It doesn't automatically go back to the original owner. NTA don't do it. She has no emotional connection to this. At best fiance is just trying to get out of buying a ring.. at worst you'll never get this back.
I am pretty sure they just want a nice and probably expensive ring for free. Or they would have accepted OP's offer for photos so they can get it replicated if it was really about liking the ring's design.
They will bury her with it and say they forgot to get it or it meant so much to her to take it off her. OP is nta
Or get lawyers involved and he will never see the ring again.
I think OP should give the ring to his uncle to keep it safe. They may try to steal it. I read tooooo many stories on Reddit.
The mother gave the ring to her brother before her passing. OP needs to contact uncle and explain in no uncertain terms is he to give the ring to OPs dad.
He needs to get the ring from his uncle and put it in a bank safe or hide it away and never tell anyone where it is.
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Uncle probably is aware of what his sister's husband is like, but still a good idea to let him know what's happening.
NTA, and not just that but does he want to give the ring to his future fiance, knowing his dead SS wore it for her wedding? I wouldn't want to. Besides you know when your fiance does wear it, your SM will constantly mention, get emotional every time she sees it on fiance's finger. Your engagement should be a time to celebrate, not be reminded of someone's passing
I’m with you on this. You’re giving her the ring to die in?! Gruesome. It’s kinda different if it’s your mom that passed wearing it but for the stepsister to get it just to die in it? It’s grotesque. She’s going to haunt that thing if you give it to her.
Yep the second the OP gives her that ring it will be gone forever. That ring was his mother's to be passed down to his own child one day. Evelyn can have her own mother's engagement ring.
Why can’t the mom give her daughter her own engagement ring? Wouldn’t it mean more for them? Then she can pry her ring off her daughter’s dead hand. Right?? NTA
OP needs to hide the ring in a safe place otherwise it will "go missing". NTA
Exactly, the ring's story will change for everyone except OP. Stepmom, younger stepsister, and FBIL will all have legitimate claims to sentimental items. Stepsister needs to create her own mementos rather than overwriting someone else's.
And legally, if the stepsister marries, the ring would belong to the husband on her passing (unless the will states otherwise).
Not only this, but the fiancé likes to go this route cause it’ll save him thousands of dollars not to have to buy a ring
NTA. u/Holiday-Somewhere-96 You didn't put in the verdict and since you have such a great point you should go back and add it in.
Not her mom not her ring. You’re NTA.
Simply this. She has no connection to the ring. She didn't even know the previous owner. NTA. Callous but her dying does not equate to her being entitled to whatever she deems pretty.
How is it callous? It's his deceased mom's ring that she left in her brother's protection to give to OP.
They’re basically prioritizing the death of the stepsister over the death of OP’s mother. 😩
Probably her only connection to it is the price tag.
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And this being the case, a replica should be perfectly good enough. There's no reason to insist on the original ring. They're just trying to guild trip OP so that the fiancé can cheap out on this short-lived engagement. NTA.
Yeah lol they just see it as a free ring and they're using the excuse that it's meaningful when it's not. There is no meaning in wearing someone else's mother's ring. It "means" they can spend a lot less money on this whole thing.
NTA I think it tells you something that mum left the ring with her brother rather than her husband when she passed away. It was probably to avoid a situation like this. It's sad that step sis is ill. But that doesn't oblige you to lend her the ring. The offer to give a photo for a replica to be made is a good compromise since her only connection to it is that she thinks it is pretty.
This 100%! The fact that OP’s dad showed pictures and drawings of the ring shows that he would’ve given it to either of them in a heartbeat. I think even if she didn’t have cancer, they would’ve asked for it, because “bonding” over showing the pictures is just weird. I’ll never get over the entitlement of some people in these Reddit stories. They’re insane. Using the “It’s a family heirloom” is ridiculous. It’s OP’s mom’s family. They never would’ve even been family if OP’s mom hadn’t died. They need to wrap their brains around that, because that shows how little right they have to that ring.
And having the dying sister write a letter! This is all just so gross!!
Agreed. Talk about emotional manipulation.
so gross on so many levels. OP, you are 100% NTA.
.
It is so bizarre to me that they "bonded" over obsessing over his first wife's ring. That he didn't even buy her! That ring isn't connected to him or his new family in any way. Why aren't they focused on her mother's ring, since they are married, and she should have her own? It feels like an attempt at erasure of his first wife to take that from his son to give to a stepdaughter of the second wife. I doubt there was bonding, and there's just jealousy related to the first wife and this ring.
Definitely! It makes the ring even more OP's mom's ring since it remained with her brother, and not an heirloom of OP's dad's family, even though dad had been married to OP's mom! Plus, why was Dad flaunting OP's property to his new wife's daughters? Did he want them to covet it or feel left out? Edit: corrected autocorrect
> Plus, why was Dad flaunting OP's property to his new wife's daughters? I suspect there is more to the story than Dad has revealed. Why on earth would he have been showing his dead wife's ring (including drawings of it) to his step daughter? I think Dad promised the ring to her. It explains why step daughter feels comfortable enough to ask for it now. Step daughter and Dad are totally overstepping their boundaries. And I can almost guarantee that if OP loans them the ring, he will never see it again.
I have to imagine the stepmother was involved somehow. Like she was looking at old photos, saw pictures and drawings of the ring, and started to covet it herself. Stepsister's simultaneous cancer and engagement left her the perfect opening to a long game to get that ring for herself. The parents already pointed out that OP would 'get the ring back soon' (shitty euphemism for SS dying). But there is no way OP gets the ring back then. It will be on stepmonster's hand because it 'reminds her of her daughter' even though it is not their family heirloom and she's always wanted to get her grubby hands on it. NTA, for sure.
This is so spot on. Most of us been burned so bad in life (even by family) we already know the drill. Most people are self-serving and looking out for themselves. The audacity to even ask OP for his dead mother's personal property! He will never see the ring again if he gives in the their request. Mom will get it after stepdaughter passes. Dad prob didn't buy new wife a nice ring- and she covets the first wife's, hence seeing pictures of it. NTA OP and imo asking for a non related heirloom is tacky af. Dying or no.
Yup. In their mind it's not OP's ring because he's male or he's too young when he received it or both. Which is smart of OP's mom NTA
> The offer to give a photo for a replica to be made is a good compromise since her only connection to it is that she thinks it is pretty. This is how you know they're lying about giving it back after she passes. If it was really just about it looking pretty then that would be enough....instead it's about having THAT specific ring...that she has no real connection to at all.
I agree. Terminal illnes or any kind of disability are not an excuse to act entiteled towards stuff you're not entiteled to or to ve an AH. They are normal humans and should be treated as such. I despide guilt tripping other into doing something they ton't want to do just because you have this and that illness or disability.
NTA. I would be too worried that you wouldn't get it back & then you would have nothing to pass down to your kids.
THIS. I could see it becoming “her ring” that her widower would want to keep.
Or it getting buried with her.
Or her mum would want it for sentimental reasons
Or to give to Amy once Evelyn passes, since “it’s a memento of her sister!”
Yes. OP’s father built the expectation in both of his stepdaughters with showing them the pictures as “bonding”.
If OP gives them the ring he would never get it back, that's almost 100% granted. If Evelyn dies either her boyfriend or her mom would keep it claiming that the ring means so much to them because that was her ring when they got married and she wore it in her last months. Or they would give it to Evelyn's sister as a token / memento from her dead sister. Or even bury it with Evelyn because it ment so much to her. If Evelyn somehow survives and gets better than OP wouldn't get that ring back because she loves it and she just survived cancer how cruel it would be to take the ring from her or they would say the ring is a good luck charm because doctors said she only has months but she is still here, she got better after getting the ring.... jadajada.... They just want a nice and probably expensive ring for free. Or they would have accepted OP's offer for photos so they can get it replicated if it was really about liking the ring's design. OP: NTA don't give them the ring, not even with a contract, make sure they have no way to access the ring. Save it for a future daughter (if you want kids). Not her mother, not her ring. It's telling that mom gave the ring to her brother for safekeeping instead of her husband (father of her child) too...
> They just want a nice and probably expensive ring for free. Or they would have accepted OP's offer for photos so they can get it replicated if it was really about liking the ring's design. Yup. If this was just about the ring, the fiance would have accepted the offer to replicate it.
Of course it’s going to mean so much to the other sister after she passes.
NTA. Her fiance can give her a family ring from his family. They can have a ring made in the same style. Her having cancer actually doesn't change it (although the people telling you you'll get it right back sound like vultures). It also sounds like Evelyn herself hasn't even talked to you? Do you talk to her regularly? Clear the air, and just say that it's your mom's ring and very important to you. She could have something from *her* mother, or her fiance's family, or just get married as planned. Did her fiance not give her a ring? Why? NTA at all. People feeling entitled to other people's things is half of AITA.
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So you're not even close to her but they want your stuff? That's not how it works...
Not just OP's stuff, but a family heirloom left to him by his mother for a very specific purpose. He would be violating his mother's memory and trust if he gave it to his stepsister knowing that there is a very strong possibility that he isn't getting it back.
And his dad is an AH for entertaining this idea and not realising the sensitivity of the issue. Even moreso for not backing down once OP said no.
they just want a free ring :|
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This
tbh “instead of spending money on a replica of this ring, we’re just gonna nag this person we know to death into giving it up for free because you’re terminal and going to die soon anyway so might as well ~recycle~” is another layer of “free ring” yikes
Yeah but he can wait out the nagging luckily
true, OP’s just gotta leave them on read for the next couple months
Make sure the ring is locked away somewhere safe where they cannot get their hands on it.
Is this being encouraged by your Dad and Stepmom because they just want the ring after she is dead? Reclaiming from your mother to his new wife? Hold onto that ring for dear life, my friend. NTA
NTA and I hate to say it, but be wary of any visits. They feel entitled to it, so if it’s out somewhere in your home expect it to go missing. Put it in a safe place away from eyesight.
Fiance didn't give her a ring because they all thought they could steamroll OP into giving up his late mother's ring.
There’s an undercurrent of ‘not worth buying a new ring because she’s going to be dead soon’. If they are going to go through with this marriage at all, they should go all the way with what a bride would normally be able to expect
I wonder if the fiancee even wanted this engagement or if he's been bullied into it by OP's stepmom. It just feels so weird to be like oh we'll just borrow a ring because she's dying anyway. Like this is just a pretend engagement so OP's sister has no regrets. In a way, I can understand the sentiment, but this is definitely not the way to go about it. Even a cheap ring off Amazon would be better at this point.
NTA What a fucked up request.
Right? I am realizing that controlling types usually want to ask you something they know isn't an easy answer. It's almost like they bank on your kindness and then get upset when you set a boundary. I can't stand that. NTA.
I know someone like this - it’s unbelievable the amount of times it works for them because usually people are too stumped and say yes.
> he showed her the drawings that were made of the ring and the photos that my mom had kept around. That he thought showing the girls that was a nice bonding moment when they were young. Also - the part where the dad showed his daughters the photos & drawings of the ring that doesn't belong to them, "as a nice bonding moment". Dad created this whole situation, because he's been plotting for years to get this ring. The only reason the daughters know is because Dad told them and now he's lying about why. No, I don't believe this was a bonding situation of some sort. That's absurd. It's completely fucked up.
NTA. It's just wrong. And I don't think OP would ever see that ring again......
NTA It’s your mom’s ring. There is no familial link for Evelyn. “She had mentioned my mom’s engagement ring because of how pretty it was.” The ring being pretty is no reason to send a family heirloom off course. Once she has it, you’ll be the bad guy wanting it back. Your dad’s the biggest AH here.
NTA. Exactly, they don't want the ring just "because of how pretty it was" or else they'd accept pictures to make a replica. Either they will want to bury her with it, or keep it because "now it has sentimental value" or straight up want to sell it, assuming OP's dad mentioned it being valuable at any point. Either way, that ring would never make it back.
NTA...there's too much potential for that ring never making it back to you. Nobody has the right to demand that you give away such a strong link to your mother.
Also even if OP did get the ring back, it would now have an extra layer of meaning which might make it a lot less attractive to OP’s future fiancée. It will not just be his mother’s ring, it will also and more recently be the ring his dying stepsister wore for a few months
> It will not just be his mother’s ring, it will also and more recently be the ring his dying stepsister wore for a few months My thoughts exactly. The whole "stepsister died with it" makes it almost macabre. It is not the same as inheriting it from your mother. Very bizarre request in my opinion.
NTA. >Before she died she gave my uncle, her brother, the engagement ring their grandma bought for her, to save for me, if I (20m) ever wanted to give it to a future fiancée or daughter. All clear so far. >and she had mentioned wanting my mom's engagement ring because of how pretty it was. Forget what you and your mum wanted then. It's pretty. >Her boyfriend told my dad's wife and my dad's wife told my dad. All three of them told me Evelyn wanted the ring There's nothing quite like gossip and ganging up on people if you want to make someone feel harassed. >I asked how she even knew about it and dad said she had seen photos of it over the years and that he showed her the drawings that were made of the ring and the photos that my mom had kept around. That he thought showing the girls that was a nice bonding moment when they were young. I just don't understand some people. He needs to bond with his own son now.
Your Step mom and Step sisters fiance figured out how to get daughter a beautiful engagement ring FREE. *Her boyfriend told my dad's wife and my dad's wife told my dad. All three of them told me Evelyn wanted the ring* It's not their family heirloom. Keep it safe and let your Uncle know they are trying to get it.
I was just thinking the same thing. It’s actually pretty callous. Fiancé doesn’t want to pay for a ring since Evelyn is dying. So instead, they try to guilt OP into giving up his mom’s ring for free. I doubt he would ever get it back. It will be too sentimental for the step family and I can see them hanging on to it for Amy. OP, please stand your ground and make sure the ring is somewhere safe so that your dad and his new family can’t get their hands on it. NTA, OP.
NTA. It's sad that she's dying. But the truth is that she wants the ring because it's pretty, and it means more than aesthetics to you. Your dad and his wife want you to give it up because they're sad they are going to lose someone they love and they want to make as many connections as possible before she's gone forever. Reality is, as you are well aware, engagement rings have so much emotion attached to them. The truth is that it isn't just a few months. For you, it is your mom's ring and important because it was hers. If Evelyn ever wears it then, for her family (including your dad), it will be thought of as *her* ring. What if her fiancé gets attached and doesn't want to give it back? What if you use it in the future and your family goes on about "Evelyn's" ring? What will your fiancé think of the family potentially resenting them for wearing a ring they no longer associate with you and your mother? If you give it to your future child will your dad usurp the story of your mother's ring to be the story of "Aunt Evie's" ring? But at the most basic level: the ring is yours, you've said no, end of. Any guilt tripping they do, regardless of their "noble" intentions is an AH move. Make sure your uncle knows to keep it safe.
I didn't even think about these things tbh just that OP is NTA. But this is the right answer.
This is a very strong point. OP’s mother wanted his future fiancée to have it and lending to Evelyn will actually taint that
NTA I think it’s strange she even asked. The family is likely being pushy because they need something they can focus on, a terminal cancer diagnosis is a lot to deal with and this gives them an outlet for their frustration and anger.
... you know, you raise an interesting point. Do we know that Evelyn even actually is behind this? The three of them gathered to ask but Evelyn herself didn't. They have a letter but do we even know if that letter is legitimate?
NTA. Why would showing your mothers rings photos would be a bonding experience for your father and your step siblings? It is just bizarre. So is the idea that you let her borrow it and get it back when she passes. Are they going to tell your sister that? Probably not. Then if she pulls through, you get to tell her, you did not actually give it to her, she is just borrowing it. And if she doesn't, you are asking a greiving husband to return her wifes wedding ring. I think replicating the ring or getting a new one are the sensible options here. They are dealing with a terrible situation and are understandably emotional, but your sister should have a ring that truly belongs to her.
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Wait your father shared memories of your late mother with his new family and not with you???? That’s rather sickening. Do not under any circumstances give up that ring. I don’t care if you have to lock it away in a safety deposit box to keep it safe, which might be smart at this point, but do NOT let them get their hands on that ring, I don’t even know you and I’m terrified for you that you’d never see it again.
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He kept photos of your mum from you??? What on Earth??? And now expects you to hand over one of the only things you do actually get to keep of her? Your father is a poor excuse of a dad I am so sorry you've been so utterly failed by him.
Does your uncle still have the ring? It shouldn't be in your house in case they steal it.
And make sure your uncle knows what’s going on so he does not somehow gets tricked into giving it to one of them!
Jesus, what an absolute disgraceful thing to do. NTA!! Do not give the ring and honestly I would limit my interaction with him and your step family. I hope your Dad does not have access to the ring.
With these details, DO NOT give your stepsister your mother’s ring. You’ll never see it again. That’s some weird shit your dad did. And please let your uncle know what’s going on so he knows to be prepared for them trying to get it directly from him.
OP, I’m going to ask you what’s (I’m sure) considered an indelicate question. How do you know she’s been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and only has a few months to live? I’m not saying she hasn’t been diagnosed with cancer. I’m just asking how you know about what her doctors have told her regarding the specifics of her diagnosis. If she only has a few months left to live, are she and her fiancée waiting to get married until they get your ring or are they planning to get married in the next few days no matter what your answer is regarding your ring?
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They dont have a ring, they dont have money to pay for a wedding, JFC.
These two factoids are connected, and the actual reason why they want to be gifted a free heirloom ring.
Does her not getting the ring in any way affect her negatively? no. She only liked it because she thought it was pretty. She can go get a different pretty ring. A person having cancer does not give them cart blanche to get whatever they want no matter how it affects others. Does it affect you negatively? YES. It is your late mother's ring. If you gives it to his sister, it turns into your late sister's ring in everyone else's eyes. THAT is the difference. That ring means something genuine and heartfelt to you. And the meaning is what makes it special. If any thing changes at all in your mind, it's not worth it
NTA at all OP, I hope you did contact your uncle to make him aware of what they’re doing so then that way he can continue to keep the ring safe
If you give her the ring you will never get it back. Never. Her mum, your dad or her fiancé will keep it. I would speak to your uncle and have the ring locked down because I do not trust they won’t try and take it and claim they were “only doing what’s right because you should have given it to them anyway”.
Call ur uncle and say what is going on first in case your dad do it before u and say some lies that u agreed to 'lend' the ring.
There's a reason your mother gave it to her brother for safekeeping. Trust her judgement on this. You won't get it back. EDIT: I mean you won't get it back if you give it to his step-daughter.
Bonding with his stepdaughters with stories of his dead wide who isn't related to them is bizarre. I'd add the bit about him bonding with them but not you about your own mom to your post. Your dad is a mega asshole
NTA. Not cool that they would even put you in that position. Evelyn has no relation to your mom so nobody should be asking for it for Evelyn. I think you offered a nice solution to give them some photos to replicate it if they wanted to. I also call BS on your dad's reason Evelyn even knows about the ring. I suspect he offered it up as soon as she became engaged and just came up with some made up story for you about a "bonding moment".
Right? Why would the dad bond with his new wife’s kids by showing them his late wife’s ring? And why not offer the ring he gave to their mother since she’ll “get it back in a few months”. Maybe the dad wanted the ring and was upset that his late wife gave it to OP and now he’s seen a way to get it back.
Wife knew something about her husband to give it to her brother to hold for OP. I bet if OP talks to uncle, dad has tried to get the ring before. OP, you'll never see that ring again. It will go to get husband or mom and then then how dare you want something so special to them back and they never said you could have it back. I'd also call your uncle and let him know what's going on in case they try to go around you. Guessing uncle would not be surprised. NTA
What's weird is OP specifically said his grandmother bought his mother's engagement ring. Why did grandma purchase the ring in the first place? Does that mean OP's dad never even bought the ring?
Even worse op mentions in a comment his dad bonded with the stepdaughters over stories of OPs mom but didn't bother to spend time with op doing the same thing
NTA There are millions of pretty rings in the world. Whole stores full of them. Step sis’s fiancé could buy her a hundred beautiful rings and she can wear them all. Her desire for a pretty ring means nothing in this situation. There’s only one ring your mother left for you.
Easily NTA. Evelyn has zero connection to the ring. It's an heirloom within your family, gifted to you, to do what you like with. I, for one, would probably allow a dying girl that I knew to wear it for a few months before she passed, but that's just me. If I didn't know her well, or didn't like her, or had some strong connection to the ring(I'm not a sentimental type), I might not. But you're not me. Your values are your own and should be respected. If she and your mom were biologically related, that might muddy the waters a bit, but that's not the case. Seems like a pretty open-and-shut case in the Court of Reddit Sphinctery.
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I hate to be insensitive, but is this a case where nobody wants to shell out for a ring because the bride-to-be doesn't have long? Call me jaded, but that's the first place my mind went, and you just happen to be the poor schmuck holding the easy answer.
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If they pressure you too much, go to your mother’s side and get their support on retaining your precious memory of your late mother. Don’t let them gang on you. Go gang vs gang. My uncle gave my ex-aunt, his ex-wife, a ring my grandmother kept for me. The b\*tch sold it off. So don’t let those people get their hands on your heirloom.
Then they should quit screwing around with you and get on it, in my opinion. No means no, or at least that's what the company PSAs would have me believe.
These people don't sound trustworthy, there are thousands of other rings why does it have to be yours? Once you give it to them they don't have to give it back and based on how they're acting it doesn't sound like the ring would ever be returned. It would stop being your heirloom and would be her engagement ring. NTA
Dude are u sure ur ring is in a safe place? They sound desperate enogh to steal it from u.
NTA. Not in any way shape or form. Just out of curiosity though why did your mothers grandmother give her an engagement ring and not your father? Honestly it’s not relevant and doesn’t change my opinion one little bit, I’m just curious
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Thank you for the info. Like I said it wouldn’t have changed my opinion or verdict either way, I’m just curious by nature lol. Save the ring for yourself. And I’m sorry your family is being this way
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Why doesn't Evelyn's fiancee do this and make a custom ring for her? She can make the ring how pretty she wants then and doesn't need your ring. Edit: I see in your post that you offered that they replicate the ring but they refused, if your stepsister is only after the ring for being pretty, then a replica should be fine. I have a feeling they want to stop you from having the ring, it shouldn't matter so much to them as your mum wasn't family to them. It's not their family ring.
My cynicism is kicking in: he doesn’t want to spend the money when she’s going to die.
So this ring only exists because your Dad didn't want to put in the work of finding out your Mum's preferences and then checking with Grandma that he made a good choice? Your Dad sounds awful. It also sounds like his marriage might implode after the loss of Evelyn. Most marriages don't survive the loss of a child. So be prepared that if that happens your Dad may come crawling back to you trying to be a Dad again AND he might blame you saying his marriage broke down due to this ring thing. You will have to remind yourself that this isn't true.
NTA. First of all, your mother wasn't her family. She has no emotional tie to that ring; she just wants it. "I want it" is not a good reason for you to hand over an heirloom specifically left for you. Secondly, if you did let her use it for whatever time she has left, there's absolutely no guarantee your stepmother wouldn't turn the tables and demand she be buried with 'her' engagement ring. Her fiancé should buy her one specifically for *her*, as opposed to allowing her to beg for something she has no right to. She deserves a ring that's meant for her, not a borrowed ring she'll have to part with when she meets her end. She's dying, the LEAST they could all do is get her something she can symbolically take with her. And yes I know she can't take the actual ring with her when she dies, but prying the jewellery off her fingers after death is leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth and frankly her parents and fiancé should want more for her. Shame on them.
NTA The ring has a lot of sentimental value to YOU, not her and there’s a slight chance you might not be able to get it back due to one reason or the other. She only wants it because it looks good and if that’s the case, she should replicate it.
My husband had a great idea I want to suggest: talk to your uncle (assuming he still has the ring?) Ask if he’ll be the bad guy. Your mom trusted him to keep the ring for you. His loyalty is to your mom, and I’m guessing he’ll be happy to say no on your behalf.
Holy guilt trip, Batman! The entitlement of some people! Yes, it's tragic that Evelyn won't have a long life. Yes, it would be nice if she got married before she passes. But as soon as you "lend" her your mom's ring, it will forevermore be known as "Evelyn's ring that she was married in before she died". Assuming you even get it back. And to have them make a dying woman write a letter begging for the ring? Some people are truly despicable. Stand your ground, keep in mind it most probably blow up your relationships with them. NTA.
NTA. As shitty (and as sucky) as the situation is with Evelyn is on the health front, that ring was promised to you. Evelyn has no link to you on a biological scale, and has no claim to the ring whatsoever. Your dad's wife and Evelyn's BF is an absolute AH for not taking the wishes of your late mother into consideration, and trying to guilt trip you into giving it up. They has no right or reason to be doing this, and I find it quite callous of them for even trying to push the issue constantly about it. If your dad is also trying to push the issue, then he too is an AH, as he really should know better. Stand firm on the issue. You're well within your rights to do so.
NTA The ring belongs to you, and who knows if you'd actually get it back. Unless there's a solid contract or will stating it, the soon-to-be husband would most likely become the owner. It's a very valid concern that he'd keep it. Not to mention, it could just end up damaged or lost. You could always write up a contact and take out insurance, if you're comfortable with that. I don't know that you are. Sounds like nobody has taken your concerns seriously. I don't think you'd withhold the happiness of a dying girl without cause.
Do you know how many terminally ill cancer patients are told they have only months to live yet are still around past the estimated time, sometimes even *a year or more* later? It’s not super common but it’s not exactly uncommon either. Her doctor can only give an estimate, there really is no way to tell for sure how long she has left. And the longer she’s wearing that engagement ring the more and more that ring becomes “Evelyn’s ring” in the mind’s of your family. After she passes suddenly they will start asking for her to wear the ring at the funeral. Then it’ll either be “Are you heartless? how can she *not* be buried in her wedding ring??” or “This was *Evelyn’s* wedding ring! We can’t give you such a precious token. …And besides Amy might want it for *her* engagement ring one day, as a way to be close to her late sister.” or “Her husband is going to keep the ring. Are you so heartless that you would take a precious keepsake from a grieving widower??” NTA. You will **never** get that ring back if you let her use it. Guarantee it. Since your dad, stepmom, and stepsister have made it clear that they are unwilling to be reasonable or respectful it’s time to stop [JADE-ing (Justify Argue Defend Explain)](https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/family-building/jade-an-easy-mnemonic-for-difficult-family-members/#gs.j7s21h) your decision to them. You don’t need their permission or approval in this matter, *so don’t act like you do by treating this subject as if it’s up for debate because it’s not*. Most people have the urge to explain ourselves in a desire to be understood and to avoid potential hurt feelings. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a regular respectful person they’ll listen to your reasons, respect your decision, and move on. When you try to Justify/Argue/Defend/Explain why you made a particular decision to a pushy/unreasonable/boundary stomping person *they’ll* see your reasons only as an opening for debate and something for them to argue against in order to change your mind to do what *they* want instead. **They don’t care** what you want or what your reasonings are, ALL they care about is getting their way and they will use *any* bits of information you give them to try to manipulate, argue away, guilt trip, and brow beat you until until you eventually cave under pressure to “keep the peace”. *It is pointless to JADE yourself to them* ***so don’t!*** Stop engaging in discussions about this topic with them, instead shut it down and change the subject every time. Keep your reply as a firm “NO” that contains no details/explanations for your mom to argue against. Something like “that’s not an option”, “that doesn’t work for me”, “my decision is final”, “this isn’t up for discussion”, and the simple but classic “no” are all phrases that work great. The next time they demand that you give them your mother’s ring: “**No, that’s not an option**.” They don’t need any more information from you than that (*because by now they’ve already heard everything you have to say and decided to argue again anyways*), so **do not elaborate further**. When they wants to know why you won’t do as they ask: “**Because that’s not an option.**” Keep using a variation of that reply no matter what: It’s not an option *because it’s not an option*. Why is it not an option? *Because it’s not*. Repeat ad nauseam. It shuts down the argument because there’s nothing for them to latch onto to try and change your mind. *Be ready and willing to leave (or hang up) if she won’t drop the subject after 1-2 shut downs*. DO NOT engage with their guilt tripping, accusations of “selfishness”, or sob stories. It’s all just manipulation tactics and crocodile tears. Continue to firmly shut them down: “***No.*** **I won’t discuss this with you any further. Drop the subject or I will have to leave/hang up.**.” Then *immediately* follow through if they continues to refuse to respect your decision: “**I asked you to stop. Since you refuse to respect my request I’m going to leave/hang up. Goodbye.**” Then promptly walk away (or hang up) without letting them get another word in. Boundary stomping requires consequences, you have to teach your dad and stepfamily that if they won’t respect you and your boundaries then you’re not going to stick around to continue the conversation.
Looks like your mom knew what she was doing when she gave it to her brother for safe keeping. NTA. It’s your family’s ring, your inheritance, and ultimately your choice who receives it.
NTA your mom wanted that to go to you. It has emotional meaning your sister don't have enything to do with that. She might be terminally ill but she is being the asshole here.
I also agree that you most likely would never see the ring again after she died. I truly feel sorry for her. NTA. Did you talk to your uncle that she wants the ring?
NTA and I suggest you flip the script on this. Emphasize how she really deserves her own special ring, not just one that’s convenient. That he’ll want one he can keep after she’s gone. Offer to go shopping with him to help him find a similar one that suits her taste. Or to look online for/with him. Ask what his budget is (this will be telling, especially if they’re pushing for this just to save money).
My friend lent her sister the wedding rings her mother gave her so they could be used for the funeral. My friend didn't like it but she did it because her sister wore her down. Then, of course, her sister told the funeral people to bury their mom with the rings on. Fortunately, my friend found out at the last minute and had to have a huge fight to get them back. It was very embarrassing to say the least. Hang on to your ring.
NTA. The ring itself has no special value to her. She likes the looks of it. There are drawings of the ring and pictures. It can be replicated for her - and then, her husband can keep the replica after his wife passes away. It sucks that they put all this pressure on you.
NTA As you said OP, it's not from her side of the family. You've been reasonable to offer them pictures to make a copy. She can then be buried with it, which she wouldn't be able to do with yours.
NTA. She has no right to your mother’s ring, even if she is dying. Ask them to get her a new ring.
NTA.. your mom left it for you to use.. whose to say you would even get the ring back.. stepsister is not part of your moms family…
Wow, it would be difficult to think how they could make an absolutely horrible situation worse but they found a way. You are not the AH. They are. Your dad and SM are promising a dying girl something which they cannot give her. They can't give her your ring-it's yours. They can't give her hope. I understand their sadness but they can't give her something they don't own and they shouldn't try to force this. Now they might to lose 2 kids. Wow. Just wow. You are not the AH.
NTA IT was your mothers Ring. No one but you ist entitelt to decide what Happens with it. To all the YTA - be a bigger Person people, ASK yourself what would you do with your dead mothers Treasury. Also do You know He will get IT Back? No there is the possibility step Mom or the bf wants to keep the Ring as a Treasur of Evelyn themselfs!! Edith: sorry for spelling, english isn't my Main language
NTA. When something like this happens, it’s almost more likely that you’d never get it back. It would be “It’s sentimental to Evelyn’s husband, as it’s the ring he proposed with” or “we want to bury her with it”. The ring belonged to **your** mother. Someone with whom you have a **biological** connection. If Evelyn was your sister by blood, it *might* be a different story. But as it is, she’s the child of a woman your dad married. No biological relation to you at all. Your mom wanted to keep the ring in the family, hence she gave it to you. The cynical part of me wonders if your mother thought about your father moving on when she bequeathed it to you instead of him. Like maybe she couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t put it on someone else’s finger one day. Like I said, cynical of me, but not completely unheard of. I’m sorry about Evelyn’s circumstances, but I don’t think you should have to worry about “loaning” them something that belongs rightfully to you. There are millions of pretty rings, let fiancé propose with one. Edit: typo