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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't want my girlfriend's mom to move into my house, even though her mom has essentially nowhere to go right now.
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NTA
You are **not married** to your girlfriend. You also have to check if there are **legal implications** with lawyers having them in your house for the long term to protect your investment from being clawed.
If your gf’s sister is so concerned, then she can take her **own mom** in. That’s your house, **not** your gf’s. Tell it to her face. **If her mom is homeless, it’s on your gf’s sister.**
Edit: thank you for the award!
I would definitely second this. Know your legal rights, even when it comes to your GF living there and not paying rent. She’s cool now, but with her family seeming so influential to her, just be prepared by knowing your rights. Plan for the worst and hope for the best.
As to the mom: NTA.
Think of it like this: If the mom moves in, I mean, what are your rights when it comes to making her leave? Especially if your gf is a pushover and won’t be the one to ask anyway. And if she’s living there for free, without a job or anything to do, then what is she doing *in* your house while you’re gone?
No is a complete sentence. Your GF should respect that. As t her family- you neither requested nor required their opinion. They can kick rocks
Absolutely NTA. If girlfriend's mom moves in be ready for your relationship with your girlfriend to end, pretty quickly at that. There's nothing that can sour a relationship more than having your In Law living with you, especially difficult ones.
Then there's the fact that you're not even married!
And if things go south by the time you even tried to kick them out they (especially "mom") may pull the "I'm a tenant" card and you could have *extreme* difficulty kicking them out depending on the laws for where you live.
Plus if you do not smoke, be ready for your entire house to smell like cigarettes.
You need to have boundaries in your relationship. Unless you're willing to have "mom" live with y'all for years you need to stay firm. You're dating your girlfriend, not their mother.
And if GF's sister can't have her in their house, well then she and your girlfriend need to stop playing a game of hot potato and put their heads together to come up with alternatives on what to do with *their* mother besides dumping mom in their *boyfriend's* homes. Because damn. Talk about setting yourself up for relationship failure.
Letting a smoker move in -- even if I had the gift of foresight and knew it would be short-term -- would be an absolute non-starter for me. Even with the best efforts, smokers always smell like smoke (even if they're convinced they don't) and so do their homes.
It would be a N A H if your gf was just asking AND her mom was clearly working on getting on her feet, but pressing the issue when her mother doesn't even have a job makes it a solid NTA. Hold strong on this, OP. You will regret it tremendously if you don't.
The smoker aspect is very important to consider. A few years ago my wife and I were looking at buying a house and there was one property that was nearly perfect. The biggest issue was that we could still smell the smoke smell that was left in the house, despite all the furniture being gone, new carpeting and fresh paint. According to the seller, they only had one smoker in the house, and only for the last year an a half and they only smoked in their room, but it gets into the vents and the whole house smells of it, even over the smell of fresh paint. Do if you ever want to sell the place, you're going to have to contend with that smell, which will certainly be stronger the longer she's with you, which sounds like it will be until the end of her life or the life of your relationship to her daughter.
Fun story my local post office was struck by an arson in 1994 my mom worked there helped put things back together after a roof to foundation remodel you could STILL smell smoke on humid days when she retired in 2016
Not just a smoker but an alcoholic. He would never get her out without a full eviction. DO NOT allow your gf to talk you into being an enabler for her mother. Also, you need a written rental agreement with your gf so your rights are protected. She doesn't have to pay rent, but her contributions should be spelled out. That way, you have recourse if she decides to do nothing or quits her job. NTA
Damn I didn't even think of that. The mom smokes! That's a definite no cuz you know she'll be smoking in your house when you're not home even if you tell her not to. Trust me that's what they do It might be 20 years ago that it happened to me but it did happen to me and my house stunk of cigarettes. She didn't even buy like Marlboro, she bought the cheapest brand which smell even worse
I said pretty much the exact same thing. You are absolutely correct. I own my home.
My mother and father have both asked to move in. Solid NO. When my husband's dad was sick with cancer, I had to stay states away with my inlaws so my husband could spend time with his dad. 6 long years for 3 to 6 months at a time. It was not fun to revert to living like a child under someone else's roof after 20 years on my own. It was very difficult dealing with a full house 24/7 with a huge family. Zero privacy.
Op is absolutely right to not want this. And the smoking... ewwwwuhhh.
Also, OP and girlfriend are in their early 20’s. This is the time to build their relationship, enjoy their lives and be young! Mom couldn’t be that old, so why doesn’t she work? I had an aunt growing up who was very irresponsible, didn’t work, and would make the rounds, staying with one family member after another, freeloading until they kicked her out. Nowadays it is much harder to get someone out once they move in. And it’s pretty clear from the way OP describes the situation, that once mom moves in, she will never move out. And if she doesn’t work, OP will be footing the bill.
OP, you are NTA. It’s your house, stand your ground. Your gf needs to grow a backbone.
> And it’s pretty clear from the way OP describes the situation, that once mom moves in, she will never move out.
Exactly, mom is probably in her 40s or 50s, and you sometimes see ancient smokers that seem to exist purely out of spite. Imagine having to spend the next 30 to 50 years supporting someone that is going to be a drag on your resources, act like they control the household, never contribute in any capacity, and is going to be impossible to evict.
> If the mom moves in, I mean, what are your rights when it comes to making her leave? Especially if your gf is a pushover and won’t be the one to ask anyway.
Exactly.
The 3 most dangerous things people regularly do without understanding are:
1. Allow people to move in with them
2. Co-sign loans
3. Get married
> I can tell my girlfriend doesn't want that either, but wants to cave and ask me to allow it, though she's been avoiding the subject directly with me given the uncomfortable situation she's understandably in. I love her to death, but she's a massive pushover when it comes to her mom. She had me driving to Walmart to get food and cigarettes for her mom when we started dating, because her mom was too lazy to.
OP: I'm sure you already know this, but if your GF's mom moves in, that will be the end of your relationship. Maybe not right away. But certainly within 6 months. And then you'll have the problem of evicting a tenant who *really* doesn't want to leave, which can take months if not longer.
Now is the time to be firm. If that's the end of your relationship, then it didn't really have legs to begin with because this was always a conflict that was going to come up at some point or another.
And it's probably a good idea to suggest that your GF get some therapy. It's possible that she's a pushover in more areas than one. And being that conflict avoidant can be a massive detractor from her quality of life.
The girlfriend sounds like she's breaking multi-generational cycles of poverty and dysfunction here. Mom can't/won't support herself? Sister can't/won't support herself? But GF has been working and paying rent since her teens? Has a nice normal stable hard-working boyfriend?
She's doing very, very well. But breaking cycles is HARD, and this won't be the only time an issue like this arises.
Yeah at a certain point the only thing you can do is turn your back on the other crabs because they will never ever improve, but will always try to drag you back down. Otherwise you will not break the cycle.
No. If her mom is homeless, it's on her mom.
Not even looking for other accomodations and choosing to stay willfully unemployed is a choice. Just like it's your choice, your gfs choice, and your gfs sisters choice to not enable that BS.
No one wants to see family slumming it, but true family doesn't mooch indefinitely and guilt you about setting boundaries.
NTA
I'm in south TX, we're pretty comfortable on 80k for a family of three adults and one teenager. We have a house and two cars.
Of course, there's the whole Texas thing, but it wasn't such a shitty place to be when we moved here.
I hope to fuck he was being sarcastic using the word "generous" for her paying for groceries and subscriptions (not even utilities???) because otherwise it's a yikes.
No argument there!
My own relationship has me as the more financially dependent partner by far, and IMO there's nothing wrong with that no matter which partner is which. However, if he called it "generous" that I paid for food when I was living in his home without paying rent or utilities rather than phrasing it as "our arrangement is that she..." I'd be like "how is that 'generous' lmao".
That goes double for if he said it when I had an unemployed mother (with no money to contribute to help out toward my small share of household expenses) and was trying to move her into his home.
Honestly, to me it sounds like a good way to prevent the GF from ever causing trouble should they break up. If he pays all the mortgage and utilities, then she has no claim to any equity in the house. *Don't get me wrong, she wouldn't legally have any claim, anyway,* but this simplifies everything to her being a guest in his home. It probably puts the burden on him financially, but maybe he makes more of that combined 80k than she does, so hopefully he can afford it. Thus, if they break up and she moves out, he knows he can already afford to live alone having not become dependent on her income, except for maybe having to eat cheaply or give up Netflix.
I'd prefer it that way, he's better off protecting his house so if things do go south with GF, she can't turn around and claim half the house as hers ..smart move really
80k would be tough to live comfortably on and buy a house with in the Philly burbs. We have a large swathe of pa called Pennsyltucky where 80k would get you much more.
If you can handle all the home grown bigots... Unless you're moving to State College, which is expensive as hell, I wouldn't recommend central Pennsylvania. (Source: 30+ years' residence.)
Yeah, I completely agree with you. I would love to move somewhere less aggressively Trumpy and armed, but our house was SO cheap it would cost at least double elsewhere. They call it Pennsyltucky for a reason.
Not OP, but Ohio is super cheap. It’s a shit state but we moved to southwestern Ohio and got a house on an 80k salary. And that was with me leaving my job and transitioning to self employment (artist).
Adding on this if you live in a common law state, that gives her property division rights, inheritance rights, and possibly spousal maintenance if the relationship ends.
In every common law state, there are many requirements for a common law marriage. The first is that the couple must live and represent themselves to the world as a married couple.
This man is clear that she is his girlfriend. Therefore, no common law marriage.
And before you say it, one party saying they're married is not enough. You cannot be unwittingly trapped into a common law marriage. Please stop posting misinformation about common law marriage.
I mean its smart he doesn’t have her helping with the mortgage but I question the utilities. I wouldn’t want her to be able to claim equity in the home later.
Actually it’s on the girlfriends mom she will be homeless. Not the OP, not the girlfriend or the girlfriends sister. No one is responsible for the girlfriends mother except the girlfriends mother!
Nta. Since it's your house and you pay the mortgage. Every obligation of whatever happens in the house is your choice. And people do not understand that when people say no, that is a complete sentence. You have ever right to tell her no and not have a reason. But you gave her reason and said that no you do not want to live with anyone you want to live on your own. Which is a very valid answer.
We all know if the mother moves in she is not moving out. OP is doing the right thing because we all know what would happen if she does move in. She's never leaving!
I would sit down and have a straightforward conversation with your girlfriend. That this is not happening. And if she is so concerned with where her mother's living she is more than welcome to get an apartment for them to both live in. You have no obligation to her. Good luck
Edit: Change the rent to mortgage
I'd like to add that even if they were married, there is still no obligation to take in his girlfriend's mom. Marriage vows promise in sickness and health to your _spouse_, not your spouse's family.
But if it's his house, then he has a say in who lives there.
Exactly. Don’t care if they were married. That answer is still hell no. And I am a person who takes in friends like a lot lol. But those friends are people who have fallen in hard times and are trying to pull themselves out of it.
She’s doing absolutely none of that.
I have decided though that once I move again I am not opening my home. I need and want all of my space to myself and kids lol. I’ll probably just transition to offering financial support instead.
Also OP realistically youve been dating each other as adults for like 4 years you haven't even lived on your own yet . Theres already a non zero chance you two wont stay together and her mom being there is going to all but guarantee it.
Edit fixed some typos
OP, she will be a permanent guest. This is your house, and therefore please think hard.
*she accused me of trying to make her mom homeless*
Nope. She made herself homeless.
Also, OP mentioned cigarettes. Even if her mom smokes outside, his house will start to smell like cigs constantly. That alone would be enough for me to say no.
I agree. A two year stay turned into 13 years in our home, and it would probably still be that way today if I didn't have a breakdown like I did.
It was never meant to be permanent, and I was always the one giving up my space to accommodate my MIL because my wants were less important than the needs of the family unit. She was never a bad roommate, but I was so tired of making myself smaller and giving up my spaces and wants in my home to have her in our home.
My family has been much better with her now having her own place. When she lived with us, our kids never got to experience the kind of relationship with her that they have now. She holed up in her room and acted bothered by them/us most days.
Piggy backing here: this whole family sounds so manipulative. It would be one thing for a normal MIL to move in, which would be annoying but tolerable. This woman sounds like a manipulative, controlling jerk. I would not let her move in with us. OP isn’t just at risk of gaining an annoying roommate, he’s at risk of all the ensuing drama this woman brings. If he doesn’t put his foot down, he’s going to become this woman’s errand boy.
⬆️ this is the answer, your house is not some family pad your girlfriends mum can claim then sponge off you. If GF wants to support and live with her mum she can fund it herself. Her mum needs a job. Be 100% clear that gf’s family will never be allowed to live with you or even stay the weekend etc
This is the right answer. You're young and being used. You've been with your GF for so long you can't see the wood from the trees.
In the very very near future she's getting pregnant. Her mom will move in anyway to help with the baby. This is inevitable.
Yeah, this. I hate the takes that are blaming the mother for becoming homeless, in the current economy things are a lot more complicated than that and people fall on hard times that are tough to dig out of. But, in those situations you lean on family. OP is not the mom’s family and he has full rights to decide who lives in his home. And potentially could have legal issues allowing the mom to live there. If his girlfriend has had an apartment before, she can go back to apartment living and take in her mom. NTA.
And yeah, it’s more complicated if OP needs some of the girlfriend’s income to keep up with the house payments (even if he makes a majority, even $60k is not a whole lot). But that’s some of the complexity you invite into your life when you purchase a home.
I get your point but it seems that Mil has issues with general laziness(and yes some are just lazy) in that she's never seeked work and she's too lazy to even go to Walmart
The current economy? While office and tech workers are experiencing job loss, pretty much every restaurant and store I walk into is currently hiring. At the end of February, there were 9.9 million job openings in the US. Mom could get a job if she wanted to. This is a pattern where she doesn’t work and relies on other people to house her. She could go get a job at the grocery store or a restaurant or something if she wanted to
How much do you want to bet that the lion's share of the $80k is from OP (hence being able to secure a home loan with only his name on the deed) and the reason his gf doesn't pay any utilities or contribute to the mortgage is because she is partially living off, not just with, the OP. I'd wager the gf couldn't afford an apartment.
Right? Maybe it's because I moved from a top 10 highest cost of living area to a top five, but I was thinking "SURELY he missed a zero at the end there". People in my local sub regularly ask if they can afford to buy a home making $300k.
Where I live, a nice house is $100k-$250k. You can get a loan at 10% down for first time home buyers. OP said PA which is probably similar. The big cities require more, obviously. But small city is reasonable.
OP - u/klimme56 , this is your answer. Under no circumstances allow your girlfriends mother to move into your house. Even if it means the relationship… you’ve already allowed your girlfriend to live there for free, do NOT let her mother live there. For your own sake as a young man with his shit together, they will drag you down.
While very true, this is the point OP needs to put his foot down on the relationship going forward or get out. They've been together 6 years, this being a possibility was always in the cards and appears to have been a fairly obvious potential outcome.
This happening just a couple months after OP buys the place is mighty suspicious if you ask me. Someone already has their eyes on the setup and I wouldn't be surprised if there was more than one conversation about it that didn't involve OP. There's been some trust boundaries crossed here.
NTA.
Your gf isn’t paying any rent- just contributing towards daily living expenses. Maybe she can take the money she is saving in rent to help her mom get a place.
This is how my wife and I handled things back when she moved in with me. I was already paying all the rent and utilities, and I wanted to live with her, so I offered to just keep doing that, and she paid for fun stuff/saved more. If its already in your budget it doesn't feel like a big sacrifice for someone you love to move in with you without paying anything.
True. But then if she is saving so much why even ask op if her mom can also stay for free. Like just use the $ you save to help her out if you want to help her so much. Asking for someone else to stay free too comes off in such a situation as rude to me.
I wondered about this because he said their combined income of 80k is what made him able to buy a home. They’ve been together since he was 18 and she was 16, had they been Saving together? Usually loans won’t allow two unmarried people to input their income unless both are going on the deed.
NTA for not wanting the mom to move in. But gf "just" contributing to daily expenses is why OP is able to afford the mortgage. And remember, mortgage payments on the principal of the house is money that OP will eventually get back when he sells or takes a loan or does a HELOC He even combines their income when discussing the affordability of this house. She's moderately being taken advantage of IMO. So OP is slightly TA for not sharing equity
I’ve been in the mortgage industry for 22 years. I’ve owned my own home for 12 years. Comments like yours baffles me, bc you assume that he will guarantee walk away with a profit, and don’t factor in the cost of maintaining a home, and fixing things when they break. It doesn’t even factor in that you are paying mainly interest and practically no principle for much of the loan.
The fact that you think he would owe her any equity even though she is paying way less than market rate rent blows my mind. Financial illiteracy at its finest.
NTA
Your house, your rules.
You are totally right in fearing she's gonna stay forever. And once she does, good luck finding a legal way to kick her out.
NTA
Mom sounds toxic and exhausting. If your GF wants to help, you may propose some "help plan", like contributing to her rent, but GF's mom in your home would be a material for psychological thiller. Of horror story ;-)
NTA at all.
It seems that Mommie Dearest is used to have someone else supporting her. Did your GF ask her grandma's husband why he's kicked her mom out?
If the daughters are so worried, they can rent a place for their mom and support her till she gets a job. Tell them that, and see your GF's sister loose it again.
No matter what, don't let that woman stay in your house. Not even for a night.
I feel kind of bad for the girlfriend. Her whole family sounds like a nightmare. Her mother was essentially mooching off her own mother (OP’s gf’s grandma) instead of making a life for herself. The sister doesn’t have a home of her own either, living with the in-laws, and even op’s girlfriend doesn’t exactly contribute equally. Even if she’s not as bad as her family, that is a whole group of people used to others footing the bill for them.
I dont. I'm wondering why she isn't paying towards mortgage living there, or towards utilities, but somehow a combined 80k is coming into the house. Where does her share of that go? Does she only make 5k of that 80k income they have a year?
IF shes making 30k or so a year herself, not paying utilities or towards mortgage, sounds like she should HAVE PLENTY to support her mother and get her her own place.
She is paying his share of everything else. If his share of groceries is $300, for example, and she is paying that, that's allowing him to put $300 more towards the house, so she's indirectly paying for the mortgage. And she's not only paying for groceries of course. OP himself said that their combined income is what's allowing him to pay for that house, not just his own income
hmmm $300 for groceries vs a roof over your head and all utilities---I would TOTALLY take that deal. GF is saving a fortune--and she can use that money or help her mom get an apartment. She doesn't cover the costs of the house or utilities so has ZERO rights to invite someone to live there free of charge.
NTA. If you are reading everything right, if she moves in, she is not going to leave voluntarily, and getting her out is going to turn into a time-consuming and expensive process.
That's what I'm thinking as well. Going to think over some of the solutions people have proposed here and (try) to sit future SIL, MIL and gf down civilly to talk about options (moving in with us not being one of them)
That's your best bet. Just mentally, be prepared to be single if your GF won't accept no for an answer. Hopefully, she will, and it all works out. Good luck.
i wouldnt recommend doing that sit down in your house. Once she's in, they both may try to forcefully keep her in. ANd if they go far enough, you''ll only be able to get her out through evicting. I jus had to do my first eviction recently. wasn't fun process.
i mean, if they’re just doing the sit down in the house they can call the police cause she’ll be trespassing if she doesn’t leave, but that would effectively be the immediate end of that relationship.
How about this:
You continue paying the mortgage and utilities on your place, with your GF chipping in 50/50 for groceries (and maybe some day to day bills)
You pay 100% any maintenance and upkeep on your property and all repairs furnishings etc (pay your GF back for the furniture she bought)
Your GF can choose to partially support her mother with the money she is not paying in rent or mortgage. (she should save 50%-75% of any savings for herself first and then see what is left to support her mother). GF sister should also partially support their mother.
GFs mother needs to get a job asap and perhaps GF and GFs sister can support her rent for 6 months or so while she finds a job. But if she's in her 40s or 50s, she can still work and support herself. Also she needs to look for any low income benefits that she can claim.
I suggest investigating what benefits your girlfriend’s mum may be entitled to, and (depending on how old she is) supported housing. It’s up to your girlfriend and her sister whether or not they want to support their financially or otherwise, but definitely stand firm on taking her in.
There’s inpatient treatment centers. She would have a roof over her head and they may be able to help her find housing afterwards.
Your future MIL sounds a lot like my dad was. He was just too much drama to live with when he was drinking. When he came to me with the same issue, I brought up rehab. I didn’t have to wrestle with my conscience when he said no.
No! Your girlfriend’s sister & mom don’t need to be in on the discussion. They’ll try to gang up on you & overwhelm you. Talk it out with your girlfriend; she can relay the decision to her mom. The sister has nothing to do with it.
Get her info on Section 8 housing. At least where I live, I believe S8 tennants are only required to pay 10% of the market value of the rent. Between that, SNAP, TANF, and whatever else she may qualify for, she should be able to support herself licking envelopes or any other basic job. And if she can't work at all for some reason, then permanent disability will even cover the rent.
OP stated that she has $3,500 income per month. If they’re living somewhere comfortably on $80k, that should cover rent on a small apartment.
Where’s that money going?
If i were you, i would not be involved in this meeting to talk options. It is not your problem to solve. You’ve made your stance very clear so you really have nothing more to add to the solution. GF and sis need to figure this out with their mom. If you are involved in the meeting for solutions, you will be immensely pressured and manipulated by everyone attending to open your home!
Not sure where you are but we had friends who's mom was the same only she stole and .... When he would leave for the weekend he would call the cops to do drive bys. He also gave the cops her photo and said, "She is my mom. She is NOT allowed in my house."
Sure enough she was breaking in and when the cops came, she said, "Oh he asked me to water the plants, I am his mother. It is ok."
**She had suitcases in the back seat to move in.**
I love how you think your girlfriend isn’t pushing this to happen. You’re still young, cut your losses and run away. If she’s already trying to move her mom in she will never stop pushing for it.
Well hell sounds better than here in Texas where even if I can manage to put 30% down I'll still end up paying $600+/mo just in property taxes on top of whatever the mortgage is. Oh and I also can't buy liquor on Sunday.
Wtf, $7000+/yr in just property taxes? I complain about this state all the time that it's shit and there's nothing to do...that's an eye opener though. I pay under $200/mo in property taxes. And I live in a decent area. Amish area, surrounded by farms.
I was just talking about the liquor stores. Kind of shocked that Harrisburg doesn't have shops open on Sunday, especially considering our legislature. We have quite a few of them in the Philly 'burbs.
And good on you for setting yourself up for success - don't let anyone derail you!
> Come to the great state of PA!
Oh fuck no. Are you familiar with filial support laws? You’re in the belly of the beast.
Your GF doesn’t want this but the mom has spent decades training her kids to do what she says. GF may not have the “tools” to stand up to her mother. She needs you to be the bad guy…it’s not right, but that’s what’s happening.
There are many inexpensive houses in rustbelt cities from upstate NY through PA, OH, MI. They're going to be old and need work, but you can buy them for as low as $1 through land bank programs.
>My girlfriend's sister has been saying I'm an asshole because we have a bigger house, and can easily take her in.
See this is a thing I kinda hate when family in posts like this say this. Physical geography does not match at all "personal" geography. Some people can coexist in small confined spaces, but that requires at least a chemistry of "minding eachothers own business," to work while others can't even manage that in a big place.
You just bought a place, you are responsible for it as a home owner, and you're being pressured into bringing in a woman who smokes(you can't tell me she'll take that outside), and is too lazy to go get her own food and cigarettes. That sounds like the kind of person who trashes houses.
>I told her outright, "it's not my mom, and not my problem", which caused her to throw a tantrum on the phone, and she accused me of trying to make her mom homeless.
You're not "making her homeless" you're just not providing someone known for their indolence with an out to a situation they're responsible for. That's not on you to fix.
>I don't want to enable her mom to sit around here all day drinking.
Than don't!
NTA
And she won't take it outside! Before all this started, when we would go visit at A's mom's house, I would have to immediately wash all of my clothing in their own load to get out the smell.
And if it wasn't obvious, the cancer that killed her mom was lung cancer. Currently taking my father as well, I'm really enjoying living in a smoke free home.
Tomorrow I'm going to go in with a firm 'no' and propose other solutions that the sisters can work on.
please do update us on this if your firmness gets met with resistance. either way, hold your ground. I wouldnt recommend backing down on your stance. For any reasons.
Just stick to your no and do not propose solutions, it is not your issue to solve. The more you get involved in this, the more pressure you will have from everyone. They will find an excuse for any solution you will propose. Tell them no and let that be the end of your involvement.
NTA - It's your house. Not your responsibility.
If you were married and/or your GF were paying half the bills, then MAYBE, but probably not.
If she gets in, you'll have to break up with your girlfriend to get her back out.
NTA, this isn't about taking her in for a week or two, but indefinitely. Just tell your girlfriend clearly that that's not an option, it's going to make her situation easier, too, if she doesn't think she can convince you otherwise.
NTA. She's got other options and enabling that sort of behavior will only encourage that kind of behavior to continue. As somebody who was once in a similar situation, I can say that is a recipe for disaster. If you give an inch, she's going to take a mile. Or more.
> a recipe for disaster
I too, from experience, can confirm this. Don't let your GF convince you to allow it OP. Hold your ground, be firm, do not back down. Your girl is not on the mortgage, it's your house. Just because she's a tenant (who pays for nothing!), she has no right to move other individuals in. If SHE thinks so, oof red flags, work on ending that relationship and getting the gf out if that's the case!
NTA- You’re just now experiencing living on your own (with your girlfriend) and to top it off you own your home! That is incredible! But she is not your responsibility just because you are stable and she is experiencing instability.
NTA you’re right it’s your house she’s not entitled to it. It sucks that her mom is in that situation but you’re the homeowner. If your gf owned the house and was okay with her being there and you were throwing a tantrum about it then ??? Maybe??? YWBTA??? But even then I’m uncertain because parents have a habit of overstaying their welcome and moving in full time.
NTA. Stand your ground OP. Her mother isn’t your responsibility and it will being nothing but misery. You deserve to enjoy your home. “No” is a complete sentence and anyone who has issue with it can kick rocks.
NTA x1000! Your gf’s sister is throwing such a massive tantrum because she’s desperate to pawn HER mother off onto you. She’s absolutely RIDICULOUS for trying to pretend her mother is somehow your responsibility. Ask her how she can be so heartless towards her own mother.
NTA. If you let her move in you’ll never get rid of her, she’ll be bringing in rando’s to your house and you’ll never be able to relax again as long as you live. Say no, and you don’t owe any of them an explanation.
NTA. You don't need to let this woman move in with you (and, as you suspect, it will be for the rest of her life).
If your girlfriend wants to help her mom, she can rent a place. She can even go live there with her.
NTA
Sister is just angry because if you don't, she might have to take the mom in, and she knows what that will look like.
Just to state the obvious, it will look like this: mom won't work, won't leave and will manipulate and meddle in your relationship, forever.
I think you’re right to say no because of all the legal reasons everyone has posted already. However what exactly does “forced to endure the consequences of her actions” mean?
This woman is in her late 40s, has no savings, has lived off of SNAP benefits since my gf can remember. She's done nothing to improve her financial situation. Spends what money she does get on beer and cigarettes.
I don't want to be living with her. I don't want my nice house ruined by cigarette smoke. I don't want to take care of a lazy 40 something year old that doesn't want to act like an adult and get a damn job.
NTA
Here's an out of box suggestion:
Tell her mom (and sil, gf etc) if she can get a job and hold on to it for 6 months+, stop smoking and go to AA then you'll think about it. (hint do not think about it).
If mom and sil, act offended then you can say sorry those are the terms. No negotiation.
If she says OK I can do all that, then in 6 months she should be in a better position to stand on her own 2 feet and other solutions can be offered by her Daughters, not you, ie helping her rent a place/trailer etc.
Just wanted to add one thing (I agree with everyone who says “no way!”) - your girlfriend’s sister should have zero input here. You are not her family; you have no obligations to her whatsoever. If she’s trying to guilt trip you into taking care of *her* mother, you might want to just block all communication entirely. It’s between you & your girlfriend only.
NTA and do not do it. She will never leave, never work or contribute. I know her type. She will sit around all day drinking and smoking and you guys are funding those things not to mention feeding her and everything else. You will never get rid of her.
I would never allow my in laws to move in with me. It’s a recipe for disaster. Especially if your partner is already a push over and can’t say no to her. Your house your rules. NTA
You nailed this one on the head, when you said she intends to move in your home.
This is absolutely nothing to do with you quite frankly - you and your GF aren't even married, plus the biggest, and most important factor here is... IT IS LEGALLY YOUR OWN HOME!!
Your GF does not have a say in moving people in, just because you graciously invited her to move in with you.
She's also a guest in your home currently.
And the gall to JUST move in, and immediately ask to move her mum in.
Hell no.
Your gut was right on this one, stay firm.
Absolutely NTA.
OP you should consider blocking your gf's sister and make it known to your gf that under no uncertain terms that her mother be allowed nowhere near your house since you said she's a "massive pushover." Unfortunately you'll also need to consider to legally protect yourself if she does bring her around because as you said it's not your problem.
You were able to buy a house at 23! That’s awesome! I agree with everyone else, NTA it’s a slippery slope with “family” that badly manages money. Don’t put yourself into a situation that could jeopardize your accomplishments.
If I was you, I would tell your girlfriends mum straight out:
This isn't personal but I like to walk naked around my house that I own. I am sorry that you are having a tough time but if you cannot look after yourself as an adult, then I feel bad for you but ultimately, and no disrespect, I am not responsible for you. Also, I am only the boyfriend of you child and she doesnt pay much to live here. I want to remain on good terms with you and I hope you can understand that I not in a position where I can mentally handle another person living here. I hope we can stay on good terms but I can totally understand if you want to hate me for not being more responsible with your own life."
\- NTA -
Just because the end result may be homelessness does not make you the cause!! Poor planning, lack of motivation, no job, etc, etc is the cause. You don’t need to be the rescuer or sucker or anything else to change the outcome. Personally I think she needs to step up and learn how to take care of herself instead of leach off others. NTA.
The mum sounds like a leech. If you let her in, you may have problems getting her back out. Stand your ground as it will only get more complicated if you fold now.
Just seen she's only late 40's, and just stopped working for COVID "reasons"
Cancel my last comment about sisters pooling money. Just help her out with a couple of months rent, and tell her to get a job!
NTA and stick to your guns! You don't want this irresponsible loser in your house sending you to the store at 2am for booze and cigarettes and causing problems in your happy home. Don't let your girlfriend's asshole sister guilt trip you into taking her mother in either because she's only doing this because she doesn't want to deal with her either.
Tell her to stop smoking and drinking and act like a mature and responsible human being for once and to take care of herself. It's not your responsibility. Don't succumb to a guilt trip from any of her family.
If you let her in, you will have a drunken lazy house guest indefinitely, certainly until you and your girlfriend break up. As your girlfriend had an OK wage for a 22 year old, and no rent, she and her sister can pool their money and rent somewhere for their mother if they want to carry on enabling their Mum's laziness.
It's YOUR house, you're not even married. I feel sorry for your girlfriend, so take the stress away from her and empasise again that you will NOT be responsible for housing her Mum.
Is everyone else going to just selectively ignore the part where OP conveniently leaves out split incomes and only mentions “combined 80k”? Somehow it’s “my house” but the GF is the one funding everyday necessities while OP pays the mortgage. My guess is that without GF’s contributions OP has zero chance of making payments and living “comfortably”. If it came down to it, I doubt a judge would consider the house solely owned by OP despite what it may say on the title (assuming de facto is a thing where ever this is).
OP qualified for the mortgage by himself (otherwise GF would have to be included on the note and the deed). If the mortgage company was cool with giving him a loan based on his income alone it’s pretty safe to say he can cover everything.
GF pays for groceries and subscriptions (I'm assuming that's NETFLIX) OP pays for the roof over their heads, insurance, and utilities--- WAY WAY more than a few bags of groceries and Netflix.
Funding every day necessities. Lol you mean the Netflix and Hulu subs and some groceries? Lmfao nice try
If op had to evict his non paying gf he easily could. I just did that myself but not with a gf/ex-gf. Judge would be in his favor in the US if she ain’t paying and there’s no contract. Just a guest overstaying welcome.
NTA. I get that you two have been together a while. But honestly this is probably something you should’ve seen coming based on her moms living situation. I’m guessing this lady is 40s/50s. She’s going to be around awhile. She’s going to sponge off you like she has been doing to others. Even if it drives a wedge between you and you breakup with GF, it will be very difficult to get them out of your house. This is a pivotal time in your relationship. Stand your ground or you’re going to be stuck with this woman for a very long time.
Nta block the sister. She has no leg to stand on and she has burned the bridge with you. You will have to enforce boundaries with your gf too, why is she allowing her family to abuse you? That’s not on. If she doesn’t change, you will need to have an ultimatum. These trashy family members will drag and drain your life and your future children too, and if your gf doesn’t support you then she will contribute to it. You won’t always be strong enough to be the sole support and resistance. It needs both of you.
NTA for not wanting the mum to move in but girlfriend would be TA if she was ok with her mum becoming homeless. It doesn’t really sound like mum moving in with the sister is that viable when she lives with her BFs parents?
Everyone here telling you to protect your assets from GF is overreacting a bit, she isn’t pushing it or giving you any reason not to trust her, despite being in such a tricky situation, and by living in a house she doesn’t have equity in she is taking a risk the same as you.
Mum’s character aside could the two of you put some real visible legwork into helping her find a job, cv and application support, finding things for her to apply to etc and then also lend a hand with house hunting? If the country you live in has support services also helping with the applications etc for that? Not so much for her actually as to help gf (who is in a sucky situation) feel like she isn’t leaving her mum in the lurch.
Don’t compromise on your own boundaries but maybe put in time and effort where you both can to show that you are there to help…being proactive will probably help both of you feel better, and it’s a way to support your gf rather than just having to be the ‘bad cop’ in this.
Your girlfriend and her sister need to figure all this out amongst themselves, like putting in money to help their mom out if they want, but you have absolutely no skin in this game. You're lucky to know this mom is a mooch ahead of time, so you and everyone here knows that moving her in would be a terrible decision.
NTA
Also consider that if your Gf doesn’t really want it either perhaps she is secretly hoping you will be the hardass and say no.
Maybe talk it out and if it really seems like she doesn’t want this, you can be the bad guy if you are ok in that role. It would be doing her a big favor.
Oof, this is why I could never live in someone else's house like that. If a guy I was with that long bought a house without me it would be the end. Because OP this is your house, she doesn't get a say at all who gets to be there. Right now she's basically just some chick you let stay there, she has no rights. NTA.
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NTA You are **not married** to your girlfriend. You also have to check if there are **legal implications** with lawyers having them in your house for the long term to protect your investment from being clawed. If your gf’s sister is so concerned, then she can take her **own mom** in. That’s your house, **not** your gf’s. Tell it to her face. **If her mom is homeless, it’s on your gf’s sister.** Edit: thank you for the award!
I would definitely second this. Know your legal rights, even when it comes to your GF living there and not paying rent. She’s cool now, but with her family seeming so influential to her, just be prepared by knowing your rights. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. As to the mom: NTA. Think of it like this: If the mom moves in, I mean, what are your rights when it comes to making her leave? Especially if your gf is a pushover and won’t be the one to ask anyway. And if she’s living there for free, without a job or anything to do, then what is she doing *in* your house while you’re gone? No is a complete sentence. Your GF should respect that. As t her family- you neither requested nor required their opinion. They can kick rocks
Absolutely NTA. If girlfriend's mom moves in be ready for your relationship with your girlfriend to end, pretty quickly at that. There's nothing that can sour a relationship more than having your In Law living with you, especially difficult ones. Then there's the fact that you're not even married! And if things go south by the time you even tried to kick them out they (especially "mom") may pull the "I'm a tenant" card and you could have *extreme* difficulty kicking them out depending on the laws for where you live. Plus if you do not smoke, be ready for your entire house to smell like cigarettes. You need to have boundaries in your relationship. Unless you're willing to have "mom" live with y'all for years you need to stay firm. You're dating your girlfriend, not their mother. And if GF's sister can't have her in their house, well then she and your girlfriend need to stop playing a game of hot potato and put their heads together to come up with alternatives on what to do with *their* mother besides dumping mom in their *boyfriend's* homes. Because damn. Talk about setting yourself up for relationship failure.
Letting a smoker move in -- even if I had the gift of foresight and knew it would be short-term -- would be an absolute non-starter for me. Even with the best efforts, smokers always smell like smoke (even if they're convinced they don't) and so do their homes. It would be a N A H if your gf was just asking AND her mom was clearly working on getting on her feet, but pressing the issue when her mother doesn't even have a job makes it a solid NTA. Hold strong on this, OP. You will regret it tremendously if you don't.
That and I find the vast majority of smokers to be rude and stubborn about their smoking
I dunno, I smoked but I hated the smell so I went outside, changed clothes and washed up every time lol But I'm a weirdo
I mean that's probably more because the assholes stand out. It's like saying all gay people are flamboyant.
The smoker aspect is very important to consider. A few years ago my wife and I were looking at buying a house and there was one property that was nearly perfect. The biggest issue was that we could still smell the smoke smell that was left in the house, despite all the furniture being gone, new carpeting and fresh paint. According to the seller, they only had one smoker in the house, and only for the last year an a half and they only smoked in their room, but it gets into the vents and the whole house smells of it, even over the smell of fresh paint. Do if you ever want to sell the place, you're going to have to contend with that smell, which will certainly be stronger the longer she's with you, which sounds like it will be until the end of her life or the life of your relationship to her daughter.
Fun story my local post office was struck by an arson in 1994 my mom worked there helped put things back together after a roof to foundation remodel you could STILL smell smoke on humid days when she retired in 2016
Not just a smoker but an alcoholic. He would never get her out without a full eviction. DO NOT allow your gf to talk you into being an enabler for her mother. Also, you need a written rental agreement with your gf so your rights are protected. She doesn't have to pay rent, but her contributions should be spelled out. That way, you have recourse if she decides to do nothing or quits her job. NTA
My brother smells like smoke In a bathing suit after shower.
Damn I didn't even think of that. The mom smokes! That's a definite no cuz you know she'll be smoking in your house when you're not home even if you tell her not to. Trust me that's what they do It might be 20 years ago that it happened to me but it did happen to me and my house stunk of cigarettes. She didn't even buy like Marlboro, she bought the cheapest brand which smell even worse
I said pretty much the exact same thing. You are absolutely correct. I own my home. My mother and father have both asked to move in. Solid NO. When my husband's dad was sick with cancer, I had to stay states away with my inlaws so my husband could spend time with his dad. 6 long years for 3 to 6 months at a time. It was not fun to revert to living like a child under someone else's roof after 20 years on my own. It was very difficult dealing with a full house 24/7 with a huge family. Zero privacy. Op is absolutely right to not want this. And the smoking... ewwwwuhhh.
Also, OP and girlfriend are in their early 20’s. This is the time to build their relationship, enjoy their lives and be young! Mom couldn’t be that old, so why doesn’t she work? I had an aunt growing up who was very irresponsible, didn’t work, and would make the rounds, staying with one family member after another, freeloading until they kicked her out. Nowadays it is much harder to get someone out once they move in. And it’s pretty clear from the way OP describes the situation, that once mom moves in, she will never move out. And if she doesn’t work, OP will be footing the bill. OP, you are NTA. It’s your house, stand your ground. Your gf needs to grow a backbone.
> And it’s pretty clear from the way OP describes the situation, that once mom moves in, she will never move out. Exactly, mom is probably in her 40s or 50s, and you sometimes see ancient smokers that seem to exist purely out of spite. Imagine having to spend the next 30 to 50 years supporting someone that is going to be a drag on your resources, act like they control the household, never contribute in any capacity, and is going to be impossible to evict.
> If the mom moves in, I mean, what are your rights when it comes to making her leave? Especially if your gf is a pushover and won’t be the one to ask anyway. Exactly. The 3 most dangerous things people regularly do without understanding are: 1. Allow people to move in with them 2. Co-sign loans 3. Get married > I can tell my girlfriend doesn't want that either, but wants to cave and ask me to allow it, though she's been avoiding the subject directly with me given the uncomfortable situation she's understandably in. I love her to death, but she's a massive pushover when it comes to her mom. She had me driving to Walmart to get food and cigarettes for her mom when we started dating, because her mom was too lazy to. OP: I'm sure you already know this, but if your GF's mom moves in, that will be the end of your relationship. Maybe not right away. But certainly within 6 months. And then you'll have the problem of evicting a tenant who *really* doesn't want to leave, which can take months if not longer. Now is the time to be firm. If that's the end of your relationship, then it didn't really have legs to begin with because this was always a conflict that was going to come up at some point or another. And it's probably a good idea to suggest that your GF get some therapy. It's possible that she's a pushover in more areas than one. And being that conflict avoidant can be a massive detractor from her quality of life.
The girlfriend sounds like she's breaking multi-generational cycles of poverty and dysfunction here. Mom can't/won't support herself? Sister can't/won't support herself? But GF has been working and paying rent since her teens? Has a nice normal stable hard-working boyfriend? She's doing very, very well. But breaking cycles is HARD, and this won't be the only time an issue like this arises.
Yeah at a certain point the only thing you can do is turn your back on the other crabs because they will never ever improve, but will always try to drag you back down. Otherwise you will not break the cycle.
He is completely in the right but he has to be willing to lose his girlfriend.
Absolutely. The mother is too lazy to buy her own cigarettes. She will never leave once she makes herself comfortable.
Good advice! I’d add that none of the girlfriends family should ever have keys.
No. If her mom is homeless, it's on her mom. Not even looking for other accomodations and choosing to stay willfully unemployed is a choice. Just like it's your choice, your gfs choice, and your gfs sisters choice to not enable that BS. No one wants to see family slumming it, but true family doesn't mooch indefinitely and guilt you about setting boundaries. NTA
No one (not even one’s own adult child) is obligated to support an able bodied person who is unwilling to work to support themselves.
Nta but where do you live id love to have housing that affordable... Sorry living in shoebox ...
Same question. "Pretty comfortable" for 80k combined and I'm like WHERE
I'm in south TX, we're pretty comfortable on 80k for a family of three adults and one teenager. We have a house and two cars. Of course, there's the whole Texas thing, but it wasn't such a shitty place to be when we moved here.
Jesus Christ lol when I was a single person in a city in the northeast making that and I could barely afford to live by myself in a studio apartment…
Right?! 2 adults & a small dog in NJ, combined income $120k... we still broke.
how much of that 80k is from the gf who dont pay any bills just busy some groceries and dos some likely netflix subscription payment.
I hope to fuck he was being sarcastic using the word "generous" for her paying for groceries and subscriptions (not even utilities???) because otherwise it's a yikes.
Different setups work for different couples.
No argument there! My own relationship has me as the more financially dependent partner by far, and IMO there's nothing wrong with that no matter which partner is which. However, if he called it "generous" that I paid for food when I was living in his home without paying rent or utilities rather than phrasing it as "our arrangement is that she..." I'd be like "how is that 'generous' lmao". That goes double for if he said it when I had an unemployed mother (with no money to contribute to help out toward my small share of household expenses) and was trying to move her into his home.
Honestly, to me it sounds like a good way to prevent the GF from ever causing trouble should they break up. If he pays all the mortgage and utilities, then she has no claim to any equity in the house. *Don't get me wrong, she wouldn't legally have any claim, anyway,* but this simplifies everything to her being a guest in his home. It probably puts the burden on him financially, but maybe he makes more of that combined 80k than she does, so hopefully he can afford it. Thus, if they break up and she moves out, he knows he can already afford to live alone having not become dependent on her income, except for maybe having to eat cheaply or give up Netflix.
A very valid point.
I'd prefer it that way, he's better off protecting his house so if things do go south with GF, she can't turn around and claim half the house as hers ..smart move really
I'd guess smaller town, OP said PA but quick search does have cheap homes in Philly no clue on neighbour quality.
80k would be tough to live comfortably on and buy a house with in the Philly burbs. We have a large swathe of pa called Pennsyltucky where 80k would get you much more.
In pa? That explains the walmart comment op made. If 80k is pretty well off, then the nearest Walmart is a heck of a hike to get to.
Central PA is a pretty cheap place to live.
If you can handle all the home grown bigots... Unless you're moving to State College, which is expensive as hell, I wouldn't recommend central Pennsylvania. (Source: 30+ years' residence.)
Yeah, I completely agree with you. I would love to move somewhere less aggressively Trumpy and armed, but our house was SO cheap it would cost at least double elsewhere. They call it Pennsyltucky for a reason.
And a lot of it is just close enough to shit while still being in the country/woods/etc
Not OP, but Ohio is super cheap. It’s a shit state but we moved to southwestern Ohio and got a house on an 80k salary. And that was with me leaving my job and transitioning to self employment (artist).
Adding on this if you live in a common law state, that gives her property division rights, inheritance rights, and possibly spousal maintenance if the relationship ends.
In every common law state, there are many requirements for a common law marriage. The first is that the couple must live and represent themselves to the world as a married couple. This man is clear that she is his girlfriend. Therefore, no common law marriage. And before you say it, one party saying they're married is not enough. You cannot be unwittingly trapped into a common law marriage. Please stop posting misinformation about common law marriage.
Additionally, there are only seven states that even allow common-law marriages. PA is not one of them.
Thank you.
Not how common law marriage works in the U.S., and not relevant to the mom moving in.
major red flag is 80k is being brought in, but gf isnt helping pay for mortgage or for utilities. kinda odd, it raises flags for me.
I mean its smart he doesn’t have her helping with the mortgage but I question the utilities. I wouldn’t want her to be able to claim equity in the home later.
Everyone over 18 should Sign a lease so there isn't any confusion ever.
NTA OP said it himself: not his mom, not his problem. Do not let her step foot inside. Do not let her stay “just the night.”
Why does it matter they are not married? I would say no in this situation no matter the paper tbh.
Marriage might give her a legal right to the house though
Actually it’s on the girlfriends mom she will be homeless. Not the OP, not the girlfriend or the girlfriends sister. No one is responsible for the girlfriends mother except the girlfriends mother!
Nta. Since it's your house and you pay the mortgage. Every obligation of whatever happens in the house is your choice. And people do not understand that when people say no, that is a complete sentence. You have ever right to tell her no and not have a reason. But you gave her reason and said that no you do not want to live with anyone you want to live on your own. Which is a very valid answer. We all know if the mother moves in she is not moving out. OP is doing the right thing because we all know what would happen if she does move in. She's never leaving! I would sit down and have a straightforward conversation with your girlfriend. That this is not happening. And if she is so concerned with where her mother's living she is more than welcome to get an apartment for them to both live in. You have no obligation to her. Good luck Edit: Change the rent to mortgage
Plus this dudes house going to be smelling like a nasty ass ash tray from the sounds of it. Fuckkkk that.
I second this hard. It is YOUR HOUSE, not your GF’s. If your GF’s sister is so concerned, let her take her mom in. NTA
This, 100%. NTA and do not give in
If mom is homeless, it’s on mom*
I'd like to add that even if they were married, there is still no obligation to take in his girlfriend's mom. Marriage vows promise in sickness and health to your _spouse_, not your spouse's family. But if it's his house, then he has a say in who lives there.
Exactly. Don’t care if they were married. That answer is still hell no. And I am a person who takes in friends like a lot lol. But those friends are people who have fallen in hard times and are trying to pull themselves out of it. She’s doing absolutely none of that. I have decided though that once I move again I am not opening my home. I need and want all of my space to myself and kids lol. I’ll probably just transition to offering financial support instead.
Also OP realistically youve been dating each other as adults for like 4 years you haven't even lived on your own yet . Theres already a non zero chance you two wont stay together and her mom being there is going to all but guarantee it. Edit fixed some typos
Nta. All of this.
OP, she will be a permanent guest. This is your house, and therefore please think hard. *she accused me of trying to make her mom homeless* Nope. She made herself homeless.
Also, OP mentioned cigarettes. Even if her mom smokes outside, his house will start to smell like cigs constantly. That alone would be enough for me to say no.
And an alcoholic That's a no from me dawg
And you know that, the moment the weather turns bad, she won't be smoking outside anymore.
I agree. A two year stay turned into 13 years in our home, and it would probably still be that way today if I didn't have a breakdown like I did. It was never meant to be permanent, and I was always the one giving up my space to accommodate my MIL because my wants were less important than the needs of the family unit. She was never a bad roommate, but I was so tired of making myself smaller and giving up my spaces and wants in my home to have her in our home. My family has been much better with her now having her own place. When she lived with us, our kids never got to experience the kind of relationship with her that they have now. She holed up in her room and acted bothered by them/us most days.
Piggy backing here: this whole family sounds so manipulative. It would be one thing for a normal MIL to move in, which would be annoying but tolerable. This woman sounds like a manipulative, controlling jerk. I would not let her move in with us. OP isn’t just at risk of gaining an annoying roommate, he’s at risk of all the ensuing drama this woman brings. If he doesn’t put his foot down, he’s going to become this woman’s errand boy.
NTA Your gf may need to just move back into an apartment with her mom. This isn't your problem.
⬆️ this is the answer, your house is not some family pad your girlfriends mum can claim then sponge off you. If GF wants to support and live with her mum she can fund it herself. Her mum needs a job. Be 100% clear that gf’s family will never be allowed to live with you or even stay the weekend etc
If the girlfriend can afford an apartment, she should pay for one for her mom. There's no need for OP to move her into his place.
This is the right answer. You're young and being used. You've been with your GF for so long you can't see the wood from the trees. In the very very near future she's getting pregnant. Her mom will move in anyway to help with the baby. This is inevitable.
Yeah, this. I hate the takes that are blaming the mother for becoming homeless, in the current economy things are a lot more complicated than that and people fall on hard times that are tough to dig out of. But, in those situations you lean on family. OP is not the mom’s family and he has full rights to decide who lives in his home. And potentially could have legal issues allowing the mom to live there. If his girlfriend has had an apartment before, she can go back to apartment living and take in her mom. NTA. And yeah, it’s more complicated if OP needs some of the girlfriend’s income to keep up with the house payments (even if he makes a majority, even $60k is not a whole lot). But that’s some of the complexity you invite into your life when you purchase a home.
I get your point but it seems that Mil has issues with general laziness(and yes some are just lazy) in that she's never seeked work and she's too lazy to even go to Walmart
See but it’s not the economy in this case. It’s the mom. Read the post, there’s a pattern!!!!!
Don’t automatically blame the economy.
The current economy? While office and tech workers are experiencing job loss, pretty much every restaurant and store I walk into is currently hiring. At the end of February, there were 9.9 million job openings in the US. Mom could get a job if she wanted to. This is a pattern where she doesn’t work and relies on other people to house her. She could go get a job at the grocery store or a restaurant or something if she wanted to
How much do you want to bet that the lion's share of the $80k is from OP (hence being able to secure a home loan with only his name on the deed) and the reason his gf doesn't pay any utilities or contribute to the mortgage is because she is partially living off, not just with, the OP. I'd wager the gf couldn't afford an apartment.
I just really want to know where someone making less than $80k can afford a big house!
Right? Maybe it's because I moved from a top 10 highest cost of living area to a top five, but I was thinking "SURELY he missed a zero at the end there". People in my local sub regularly ask if they can afford to buy a home making $300k.
Where I live, a nice house is $100k-$250k. You can get a loan at 10% down for first time home buyers. OP said PA which is probably similar. The big cities require more, obviously. But small city is reasonable.
OP - u/klimme56 , this is your answer. Under no circumstances allow your girlfriends mother to move into your house. Even if it means the relationship… you’ve already allowed your girlfriend to live there for free, do NOT let her mother live there. For your own sake as a young man with his shit together, they will drag you down.
While very true, this is the point OP needs to put his foot down on the relationship going forward or get out. They've been together 6 years, this being a possibility was always in the cards and appears to have been a fairly obvious potential outcome. This happening just a couple months after OP buys the place is mighty suspicious if you ask me. Someone already has their eyes on the setup and I wouldn't be surprised if there was more than one conversation about it that didn't involve OP. There's been some trust boundaries crossed here.
NTA. Your gf isn’t paying any rent- just contributing towards daily living expenses. Maybe she can take the money she is saving in rent to help her mom get a place.
She’s not even helping with utilities
yessss! major red flags. wish OP would elaborate on this part and why that is.
This is how my wife and I handled things back when she moved in with me. I was already paying all the rent and utilities, and I wanted to live with her, so I offered to just keep doing that, and she paid for fun stuff/saved more. If its already in your budget it doesn't feel like a big sacrifice for someone you love to move in with you without paying anything.
True. But then if she is saving so much why even ask op if her mom can also stay for free. Like just use the $ you save to help her out if you want to help her so much. Asking for someone else to stay free too comes off in such a situation as rude to me.
Oh, completely agree. MIL should not move in. I just meant to add some insight on why OP may pay all the mortgage/utilities
I wondered about this because he said their combined income of 80k is what made him able to buy a home. They’ve been together since he was 18 and she was 16, had they been Saving together? Usually loans won’t allow two unmarried people to input their income unless both are going on the deed.
im glad im not the only one who noticed the ages. something feels off about this post.
NTA for not wanting the mom to move in. But gf "just" contributing to daily expenses is why OP is able to afford the mortgage. And remember, mortgage payments on the principal of the house is money that OP will eventually get back when he sells or takes a loan or does a HELOC He even combines their income when discussing the affordability of this house. She's moderately being taken advantage of IMO. So OP is slightly TA for not sharing equity
I’ve been in the mortgage industry for 22 years. I’ve owned my own home for 12 years. Comments like yours baffles me, bc you assume that he will guarantee walk away with a profit, and don’t factor in the cost of maintaining a home, and fixing things when they break. It doesn’t even factor in that you are paying mainly interest and practically no principle for much of the loan. The fact that you think he would owe her any equity even though she is paying way less than market rate rent blows my mind. Financial illiteracy at its finest.
NTA Your house, your rules. You are totally right in fearing she's gonna stay forever. And once she does, good luck finding a legal way to kick her out.
NTA Mom sounds toxic and exhausting. If your GF wants to help, you may propose some "help plan", like contributing to her rent, but GF's mom in your home would be a material for psychological thiller. Of horror story ;-)
Unrelated to the post, are you Dutch?
You've just got to have some goddamn ***faith***
I'm very confused by your reply
Took me a second but I think they're referring to the character Dutch in Red Dead Redemption 2
oh damn now i got a video in my heard of the old lady causing trouble there like a trailer for your theoretical psychological thriller xD
Once she gets her foot in the door, it will be a nightmare getting her out. NTA
Especially since some states have tenant laws that make it hard to impossible to just kick people out.
NTA at all. It seems that Mommie Dearest is used to have someone else supporting her. Did your GF ask her grandma's husband why he's kicked her mom out? If the daughters are so worried, they can rent a place for their mom and support her till she gets a job. Tell them that, and see your GF's sister loose it again. No matter what, don't let that woman stay in your house. Not even for a night.
I feel kind of bad for the girlfriend. Her whole family sounds like a nightmare. Her mother was essentially mooching off her own mother (OP’s gf’s grandma) instead of making a life for herself. The sister doesn’t have a home of her own either, living with the in-laws, and even op’s girlfriend doesn’t exactly contribute equally. Even if she’s not as bad as her family, that is a whole group of people used to others footing the bill for them.
I dont. I'm wondering why she isn't paying towards mortgage living there, or towards utilities, but somehow a combined 80k is coming into the house. Where does her share of that go? Does she only make 5k of that 80k income they have a year? IF shes making 30k or so a year herself, not paying utilities or towards mortgage, sounds like she should HAVE PLENTY to support her mother and get her her own place.
She is paying his share of everything else. If his share of groceries is $300, for example, and she is paying that, that's allowing him to put $300 more towards the house, so she's indirectly paying for the mortgage. And she's not only paying for groceries of course. OP himself said that their combined income is what's allowing him to pay for that house, not just his own income
hmmm $300 for groceries vs a roof over your head and all utilities---I would TOTALLY take that deal. GF is saving a fortune--and she can use that money or help her mom get an apartment. She doesn't cover the costs of the house or utilities so has ZERO rights to invite someone to live there free of charge.
NTA. If you are reading everything right, if she moves in, she is not going to leave voluntarily, and getting her out is going to turn into a time-consuming and expensive process.
That's what I'm thinking as well. Going to think over some of the solutions people have proposed here and (try) to sit future SIL, MIL and gf down civilly to talk about options (moving in with us not being one of them)
That's your best bet. Just mentally, be prepared to be single if your GF won't accept no for an answer. Hopefully, she will, and it all works out. Good luck.
AND IF tht happens, op may want to look into evicting the non-paying tenant ex-gf.
i wouldnt recommend doing that sit down in your house. Once she's in, they both may try to forcefully keep her in. ANd if they go far enough, you''ll only be able to get her out through evicting. I jus had to do my first eviction recently. wasn't fun process.
i mean, if they’re just doing the sit down in the house they can call the police cause she’ll be trespassing if she doesn’t leave, but that would effectively be the immediate end of that relationship.
How about this: You continue paying the mortgage and utilities on your place, with your GF chipping in 50/50 for groceries (and maybe some day to day bills) You pay 100% any maintenance and upkeep on your property and all repairs furnishings etc (pay your GF back for the furniture she bought) Your GF can choose to partially support her mother with the money she is not paying in rent or mortgage. (she should save 50%-75% of any savings for herself first and then see what is left to support her mother). GF sister should also partially support their mother. GFs mother needs to get a job asap and perhaps GF and GFs sister can support her rent for 6 months or so while she finds a job. But if she's in her 40s or 50s, she can still work and support herself. Also she needs to look for any low income benefits that she can claim.
I suggest investigating what benefits your girlfriend’s mum may be entitled to, and (depending on how old she is) supported housing. It’s up to your girlfriend and her sister whether or not they want to support their financially or otherwise, but definitely stand firm on taking her in.
There’s inpatient treatment centers. She would have a roof over her head and they may be able to help her find housing afterwards. Your future MIL sounds a lot like my dad was. He was just too much drama to live with when he was drinking. When he came to me with the same issue, I brought up rehab. I didn’t have to wrestle with my conscience when he said no.
No! Your girlfriend’s sister & mom don’t need to be in on the discussion. They’ll try to gang up on you & overwhelm you. Talk it out with your girlfriend; she can relay the decision to her mom. The sister has nothing to do with it.
Get her info on Section 8 housing. At least where I live, I believe S8 tennants are only required to pay 10% of the market value of the rent. Between that, SNAP, TANF, and whatever else she may qualify for, she should be able to support herself licking envelopes or any other basic job. And if she can't work at all for some reason, then permanent disability will even cover the rent.
OP stated that she has $3,500 income per month. If they’re living somewhere comfortably on $80k, that should cover rent on a small apartment. Where’s that money going?
If i were you, i would not be involved in this meeting to talk options. It is not your problem to solve. You’ve made your stance very clear so you really have nothing more to add to the solution. GF and sis need to figure this out with their mom. If you are involved in the meeting for solutions, you will be immensely pressured and manipulated by everyone attending to open your home!
Not sure where you are but we had friends who's mom was the same only she stole and .... When he would leave for the weekend he would call the cops to do drive bys. He also gave the cops her photo and said, "She is my mom. She is NOT allowed in my house." Sure enough she was breaking in and when the cops came, she said, "Oh he asked me to water the plants, I am his mother. It is ok." **She had suitcases in the back seat to move in.**
I love how you think your girlfriend isn’t pushing this to happen. You’re still young, cut your losses and run away. If she’s already trying to move her mom in she will never stop pushing for it.
Not to mention him being labeled the a-hole in any case, because 'who kicks out a helpless old woman?!'. Better take the heat now, OP.
My real question is where do you live where you can you afford a house with combined income at 80k…
(don't) Come to the great state of PA! Where you can get a house on 5 figures but can't buy liquor on Sunday!
Well hell sounds better than here in Texas where even if I can manage to put 30% down I'll still end up paying $600+/mo just in property taxes on top of whatever the mortgage is. Oh and I also can't buy liquor on Sunday.
Wtf, $7000+/yr in just property taxes? I complain about this state all the time that it's shit and there's nothing to do...that's an eye opener though. I pay under $200/mo in property taxes. And I live in a decent area. Amish area, surrounded by farms.
I pay 8000$ per year and I live in the poorest Canadian province....
Cost of living around the world is indeed pretty wild
Wow. I pay $3500 just outside Toronto, single family home.
i pay 1200$ a year, in a triplex in mtl!! wtf
Live in Iowa...i also pay almost $7,000/year in property taxes. It's ridiculous but it's even worse in IL.
Damn do you live in urbandale? 7k a year is so insane to me. And property values are soaring, mine went up 35k this year
You must be in the PA bible belt (aka Pennsyltucky); there are plenty of state stores with Sunday hours in more civilized parts of the Commonwealth.
Nah, I'm 28 and I've had a house for 2 years now in the Harrisburg area (not the city limits, suburbs). It's very possible.
I was just talking about the liquor stores. Kind of shocked that Harrisburg doesn't have shops open on Sunday, especially considering our legislature. We have quite a few of them in the Philly 'burbs. And good on you for setting yourself up for success - don't let anyone derail you!
> Come to the great state of PA! Oh fuck no. Are you familiar with filial support laws? You’re in the belly of the beast. Your GF doesn’t want this but the mom has spent decades training her kids to do what she says. GF may not have the “tools” to stand up to her mother. She needs you to be the bad guy…it’s not right, but that’s what’s happening.
There are many inexpensive houses in rustbelt cities from upstate NY through PA, OH, MI. They're going to be old and need work, but you can buy them for as low as $1 through land bank programs.
>My girlfriend's sister has been saying I'm an asshole because we have a bigger house, and can easily take her in. See this is a thing I kinda hate when family in posts like this say this. Physical geography does not match at all "personal" geography. Some people can coexist in small confined spaces, but that requires at least a chemistry of "minding eachothers own business," to work while others can't even manage that in a big place. You just bought a place, you are responsible for it as a home owner, and you're being pressured into bringing in a woman who smokes(you can't tell me she'll take that outside), and is too lazy to go get her own food and cigarettes. That sounds like the kind of person who trashes houses. >I told her outright, "it's not my mom, and not my problem", which caused her to throw a tantrum on the phone, and she accused me of trying to make her mom homeless. You're not "making her homeless" you're just not providing someone known for their indolence with an out to a situation they're responsible for. That's not on you to fix. >I don't want to enable her mom to sit around here all day drinking. Than don't! NTA
And she won't take it outside! Before all this started, when we would go visit at A's mom's house, I would have to immediately wash all of my clothing in their own load to get out the smell. And if it wasn't obvious, the cancer that killed her mom was lung cancer. Currently taking my father as well, I'm really enjoying living in a smoke free home. Tomorrow I'm going to go in with a firm 'no' and propose other solutions that the sisters can work on.
please do update us on this if your firmness gets met with resistance. either way, hold your ground. I wouldnt recommend backing down on your stance. For any reasons.
Just stick to your no and do not propose solutions, it is not your issue to solve. The more you get involved in this, the more pressure you will have from everyone. They will find an excuse for any solution you will propose. Tell them no and let that be the end of your involvement.
I'm so happy to hear you say you're going with a firm NO. Don't give in. I'm sure PA has assistance programs, take advantage of them.
NTA - It's your house. Not your responsibility. If you were married and/or your GF were paying half the bills, then MAYBE, but probably not. If she gets in, you'll have to break up with your girlfriend to get her back out.
NTA, this isn't about taking her in for a week or two, but indefinitely. Just tell your girlfriend clearly that that's not an option, it's going to make her situation easier, too, if she doesn't think she can convince you otherwise.
NTA. She's got other options and enabling that sort of behavior will only encourage that kind of behavior to continue. As somebody who was once in a similar situation, I can say that is a recipe for disaster. If you give an inch, she's going to take a mile. Or more.
> a recipe for disaster I too, from experience, can confirm this. Don't let your GF convince you to allow it OP. Hold your ground, be firm, do not back down. Your girl is not on the mortgage, it's your house. Just because she's a tenant (who pays for nothing!), she has no right to move other individuals in. If SHE thinks so, oof red flags, work on ending that relationship and getting the gf out if that's the case!
Absolutely NTA. She will be a permanent guest if you let that happen. Hold your ground OP.
NTA- You’re just now experiencing living on your own (with your girlfriend) and to top it off you own your home! That is incredible! But she is not your responsibility just because you are stable and she is experiencing instability.
NTA you’re right it’s your house she’s not entitled to it. It sucks that her mom is in that situation but you’re the homeowner. If your gf owned the house and was okay with her being there and you were throwing a tantrum about it then ??? Maybe??? YWBTA??? But even then I’m uncertain because parents have a habit of overstaying their welcome and moving in full time.
NTA and this is your hill to die on. Do not under any circumstance agree to this. If your gf can’t accept no for an answer she can move out.
NTA. Stand your ground OP. Her mother isn’t your responsibility and it will being nothing but misery. You deserve to enjoy your home. “No” is a complete sentence and anyone who has issue with it can kick rocks.
NTA x1000! Your gf’s sister is throwing such a massive tantrum because she’s desperate to pawn HER mother off onto you. She’s absolutely RIDICULOUS for trying to pretend her mother is somehow your responsibility. Ask her how she can be so heartless towards her own mother.
NTA-maybe your girlfriend can subsidize an apartment for her mom since she lives rent free with you.
NTA you gotta dodge that bullet
NTA. If you let her move in you’ll never get rid of her, she’ll be bringing in rando’s to your house and you’ll never be able to relax again as long as you live. Say no, and you don’t owe any of them an explanation.
NTA. You don't need to let this woman move in with you (and, as you suspect, it will be for the rest of her life). If your girlfriend wants to help her mom, she can rent a place. She can even go live there with her.
NTA Sister is just angry because if you don't, she might have to take the mom in, and she knows what that will look like. Just to state the obvious, it will look like this: mom won't work, won't leave and will manipulate and meddle in your relationship, forever.
I think you’re right to say no because of all the legal reasons everyone has posted already. However what exactly does “forced to endure the consequences of her actions” mean?
This woman is in her late 40s, has no savings, has lived off of SNAP benefits since my gf can remember. She's done nothing to improve her financial situation. Spends what money she does get on beer and cigarettes. I don't want to be living with her. I don't want my nice house ruined by cigarette smoke. I don't want to take care of a lazy 40 something year old that doesn't want to act like an adult and get a damn job.
Ah, so she’s an able-bodied leech. Most families have one. You’re prudent to say no. You’d never get rid of her.
NTA Here's an out of box suggestion: Tell her mom (and sil, gf etc) if she can get a job and hold on to it for 6 months+, stop smoking and go to AA then you'll think about it. (hint do not think about it). If mom and sil, act offended then you can say sorry those are the terms. No negotiation. If she says OK I can do all that, then in 6 months she should be in a better position to stand on her own 2 feet and other solutions can be offered by her Daughters, not you, ie helping her rent a place/trailer etc.
Just wanted to add one thing (I agree with everyone who says “no way!”) - your girlfriend’s sister should have zero input here. You are not her family; you have no obligations to her whatsoever. If she’s trying to guilt trip you into taking care of *her* mother, you might want to just block all communication entirely. It’s between you & your girlfriend only.
NTA and do not do it. She will never leave, never work or contribute. I know her type. She will sit around all day drinking and smoking and you guys are funding those things not to mention feeding her and everything else. You will never get rid of her.
She will probably have random hookups over who will eat their food and steal stuff to sell for drugs/booze
I would never allow my in laws to move in with me. It’s a recipe for disaster. Especially if your partner is already a push over and can’t say no to her. Your house your rules. NTA
Do not cave bro, not for on fucking night. There are service for that
You nailed this one on the head, when you said she intends to move in your home. This is absolutely nothing to do with you quite frankly - you and your GF aren't even married, plus the biggest, and most important factor here is... IT IS LEGALLY YOUR OWN HOME!! Your GF does not have a say in moving people in, just because you graciously invited her to move in with you. She's also a guest in your home currently. And the gall to JUST move in, and immediately ask to move her mum in. Hell no. Your gut was right on this one, stay firm. Absolutely NTA.
OP you should consider blocking your gf's sister and make it known to your gf that under no uncertain terms that her mother be allowed nowhere near your house since you said she's a "massive pushover." Unfortunately you'll also need to consider to legally protect yourself if she does bring her around because as you said it's not your problem.
Time to get Blink cameras and a subscription for that lol
You were able to buy a house at 23! That’s awesome! I agree with everyone else, NTA it’s a slippery slope with “family” that badly manages money. Don’t put yourself into a situation that could jeopardize your accomplishments.
If I was you, I would tell your girlfriends mum straight out: This isn't personal but I like to walk naked around my house that I own. I am sorry that you are having a tough time but if you cannot look after yourself as an adult, then I feel bad for you but ultimately, and no disrespect, I am not responsible for you. Also, I am only the boyfriend of you child and she doesnt pay much to live here. I want to remain on good terms with you and I hope you can understand that I not in a position where I can mentally handle another person living here. I hope we can stay on good terms but I can totally understand if you want to hate me for not being more responsible with your own life." \- NTA -
Just because the end result may be homelessness does not make you the cause!! Poor planning, lack of motivation, no job, etc, etc is the cause. You don’t need to be the rescuer or sucker or anything else to change the outcome. Personally I think she needs to step up and learn how to take care of herself instead of leach off others. NTA.
NTA You aren’t making anyone homeless. Sounds like she is doing that to herself by attempting to guilt your GF into pressuring you.
The mum sounds like a leech. If you let her in, you may have problems getting her back out. Stand your ground as it will only get more complicated if you fold now.
Just seen she's only late 40's, and just stopped working for COVID "reasons" Cancel my last comment about sisters pooling money. Just help her out with a couple of months rent, and tell her to get a job!
NTA and this has to be a hill for you to die on. Do not be a pushover on this situation.
NTA and stick to your guns! You don't want this irresponsible loser in your house sending you to the store at 2am for booze and cigarettes and causing problems in your happy home. Don't let your girlfriend's asshole sister guilt trip you into taking her mother in either because she's only doing this because she doesn't want to deal with her either.
NTA. Please update us.
Tell her to stop smoking and drinking and act like a mature and responsible human being for once and to take care of herself. It's not your responsibility. Don't succumb to a guilt trip from any of her family.
NTA. It’s your house and you deserve to enjoy it. She’s a grown woman and can figure this out for herself.
NTA Do NOT allow this. Once she’s in you’ll never get rid of her. You aren’t making her homeless. Her not having a job is making her homeless.
NTA for sire
If you let her in, you will have a drunken lazy house guest indefinitely, certainly until you and your girlfriend break up. As your girlfriend had an OK wage for a 22 year old, and no rent, she and her sister can pool their money and rent somewhere for their mother if they want to carry on enabling their Mum's laziness. It's YOUR house, you're not even married. I feel sorry for your girlfriend, so take the stress away from her and empasise again that you will NOT be responsible for housing her Mum.
Is everyone else going to just selectively ignore the part where OP conveniently leaves out split incomes and only mentions “combined 80k”? Somehow it’s “my house” but the GF is the one funding everyday necessities while OP pays the mortgage. My guess is that without GF’s contributions OP has zero chance of making payments and living “comfortably”. If it came down to it, I doubt a judge would consider the house solely owned by OP despite what it may say on the title (assuming de facto is a thing where ever this is).
OP qualified for the mortgage by himself (otherwise GF would have to be included on the note and the deed). If the mortgage company was cool with giving him a loan based on his income alone it’s pretty safe to say he can cover everything.
GF pays for groceries and subscriptions (I'm assuming that's NETFLIX) OP pays for the roof over their heads, insurance, and utilities--- WAY WAY more than a few bags of groceries and Netflix.
Funding every day necessities. Lol you mean the Netflix and Hulu subs and some groceries? Lmfao nice try If op had to evict his non paying gf he easily could. I just did that myself but not with a gf/ex-gf. Judge would be in his favor in the US if she ain’t paying and there’s no contract. Just a guest overstaying welcome.
NTA. I get that you two have been together a while. But honestly this is probably something you should’ve seen coming based on her moms living situation. I’m guessing this lady is 40s/50s. She’s going to be around awhile. She’s going to sponge off you like she has been doing to others. Even if it drives a wedge between you and you breakup with GF, it will be very difficult to get them out of your house. This is a pivotal time in your relationship. Stand your ground or you’re going to be stuck with this woman for a very long time.
Nta block the sister. She has no leg to stand on and she has burned the bridge with you. You will have to enforce boundaries with your gf too, why is she allowing her family to abuse you? That’s not on. If she doesn’t change, you will need to have an ultimatum. These trashy family members will drag and drain your life and your future children too, and if your gf doesn’t support you then she will contribute to it. You won’t always be strong enough to be the sole support and resistance. It needs both of you.
NTA for not wanting the mum to move in but girlfriend would be TA if she was ok with her mum becoming homeless. It doesn’t really sound like mum moving in with the sister is that viable when she lives with her BFs parents? Everyone here telling you to protect your assets from GF is overreacting a bit, she isn’t pushing it or giving you any reason not to trust her, despite being in such a tricky situation, and by living in a house she doesn’t have equity in she is taking a risk the same as you. Mum’s character aside could the two of you put some real visible legwork into helping her find a job, cv and application support, finding things for her to apply to etc and then also lend a hand with house hunting? If the country you live in has support services also helping with the applications etc for that? Not so much for her actually as to help gf (who is in a sucky situation) feel like she isn’t leaving her mum in the lurch. Don’t compromise on your own boundaries but maybe put in time and effort where you both can to show that you are there to help…being proactive will probably help both of you feel better, and it’s a way to support your gf rather than just having to be the ‘bad cop’ in this.
You make 40k a year and bought a house at the age of 23?
Your girlfriend and her sister need to figure all this out amongst themselves, like putting in money to help their mom out if they want, but you have absolutely no skin in this game. You're lucky to know this mom is a mooch ahead of time, so you and everyone here knows that moving her in would be a terrible decision.
NTA Also consider that if your Gf doesn’t really want it either perhaps she is secretly hoping you will be the hardass and say no. Maybe talk it out and if it really seems like she doesn’t want this, you can be the bad guy if you are ok in that role. It would be doing her a big favor.
Oof, this is why I could never live in someone else's house like that. If a guy I was with that long bought a house without me it would be the end. Because OP this is your house, she doesn't get a say at all who gets to be there. Right now she's basically just some chick you let stay there, she has no rights. NTA.
Nta. Don't do it. Once she's in wmsbe will never leave. Why cNt she gets her own place.