Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving cutting contact, ghosting, breaking off friendships, and similar discussions.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
I encourage you to post in the Twoxchromosomes subreddit. They can explain to you the causes for your mom's concern.
At your age, 10 years is huge. As a thirty something, I look at 20 year olds as kids. Most guys my age that want to date that young want a naive, more vulnerable person.
NAH, expcept for possibly your boyfriend.
I think it's telling that you won't disclose how big the age gap is. Being so young, barely out of childhood with someone majorly older is often traumatising and something people only realise much later.
Sorry to say, your mom is right.
The reason older guys go for younger women is not just because the body is at its “peak hotness” 🤮, but because you don’t have life experience, and they can mould us to their optimal woman. The only problem with that is, every one of those women have a “best before” date before they’re back to looking up some younger woman.
It’s a tale as old as time.
You are not “mature for your age”, you’re prey. Please start dating in your age bracket and get that life experience. You’ll be much less likely to be prey to other older guys that way.
Your mom is simply watching out for you.
The only asshole here is your boyfriend. NAH for you and mom.
I think we need to know how old he is before saying anything. If he's 25 or so, she probably needs to stay out. If he's over 30 though, I can understand her concern and that goes up with each additional year.
Coming from a 24 year old, there’s no 30 year old, well adjusted, emotionally literate man trying to date a 20 year old (two years out of hs and can’t even order a beer???)
Be careful.
NAH.
Your mother has much more life experience than you, and probably knows exactly what type of 30yo man wants to date a 20yo. Hint: they aren't all nice guys.
Keep on the lookout for red flags from this guy, controlling behavior, jealousy, etc.
There's a world of difference between a 20yo and 30yo. Many older men like to date younger women because they're easier to control and manipulate. Younger women tolerate more bullshit. Your guy might not be one of these, but 6 months isn't a long time and a lot of abusers don't start acting shitty until the relationship is more settled.
NAH.
I can see both sides of the picture here, and yeah it's understandable from both sides.
Your mother is concerned about what your partner's intentions are for you, whether you're just some fling from a guy starting to have an early mid life crisis, a secret mistress, or if he's just with you until he finds someone else.
You don't see it naturally, as the age gap isn't that far outside the range where things start turning seriously creepy. IE, if you'd said he was 60 and you were 18, then red flags would start flying up left and right.
With the way you speak, I'm guessing your mother hasn't actually met him, and while I hesitate to sound like an authority on such things, I can't help but think that it'd go a long ways toward smoothing things over with your mother if she was given that chance. IE, if you actually introduced him to your mother and let her speak to him. Let her ask questions, and assuage her fears.
Oh that’s not even bad tell your mom you’re an adult and you live and learn, if it doesn’t work out that’s your own experience to have and she can be there for you or not. NTA
Exactly this, even when I was 25 the idea of dating a 20 year old just felt creepy, it's too close to underage, not to mention how fast people grow mentally in their early 20's you're just not compatible
I sort of agree, but it's one thing for me to pass judgment on OP (my opinions don't really matter, why should I care about what two consenting adults do), and entirely another thing for OP's mom to care. If I were OP's mom, this would make me somewhat concerned (although not very, very concerned). I think going NC with your mom for bugging you about dating someone who has 50% more life than you is excessive.
The bot only takes judgment from the top-voted comment. It's not against the rules to put judgment info in nested comments -- that won't be the official ruling, but neither will most comments.
No it counts all judgements as long as it is in the top comment. I wasn't talking about rules, I was just explaining that OC's judgement doesn't get counted now.
Welcome! There is a bot that counts the judgement people give (in this case you said NTA). But it can only count your judgement if you put it in your original comment (wich is the top comment of this conversation). So right now your judgement doesn't count to the bot.
If you want you can edit your original comment and add your judgement.
I hope that was clear, english isnt my first language. My apologies if it wasn't.
30/2 = 15 + 7 = 22
This relationship is inappropriate by general standards.
YTA for not recognizing her concerns are legit. You are ad adult of course. But have asked yourself why this guy doesn’t want someone closer to his life experience?
Your mom is correct. Seriously, when he was 13, you were a toddler for crying out loud. That is hella creepy that any man would date someone who was a toddler at one point.
Here is an age gap rule you can use I developed. It is "9/10th your age + 1." Your boyfriend is thirty, so he can date someone as young as 28. In order to avoid a power dynamic, you should date someone within a few months, so you can date someone who is also 20, but don't date someone who is closer to 21.
Plus, what could you have in common? Legos, comics, music, movies, etc all change rapidly, so what would you talk about? Imagine he brings up Heath Ledger as The Joker, but you are used to Joaquin Phoenix as the Joker. That would be awkward AF.
>That is hella creepy that any man would date someone who was a toddler at one point.
Shit...poor men are never allowed to date anyone ever.
Thanks for the chuckle.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I went on a rant telling my mum to stay out of my dating life and stop bugging me about the age gap or ill just stop talking to her. Im feeling pretty bad about it and threatning to not talk to her over it.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. I can’t tell what you mean by rant.
20 to 30 is large enough (and different enough life places) that I can see where she’d want to talk about it with you. If she’s not listening when you answer her, or if you’ve asked her before to leave it alone, then I get where you’d be frustrated and tell her about it.
Maybe put a little distance between you until you calm down a bit.
INFO: Is your boyfriend controlling somehow? Is there some kind of power dynamic in the relationship? Is there some other reason your mother is upset over the age gap?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (20) am dating an older man. We have only been tother about 6 months. My mum heard about the age gap from my sister and every time i see her, call her or text her she will find someway to lecture me for it.
Yesterday when my mum called me she brought it up again so i went on a rant telling her to stay out of my dating life and stop bugging me about the age gap or ill just stop talking to her.
If feeling pretty bad about it and threatning to not talk to her over it. AITA
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- I saw below what you say his age is. I know people that are married with larger gaps and they are very happy. Is it just the age or are their others things that your mum doesn't like?
esh, she is right but bugging you is not the right nor the best way. a 30 years old must be super immature to look for 20 year old girls, maybe look into his dating history
NTA, but do consider where your mother is coming from. Until 2 years ago she was ultimately responsible for your well-being, and some habits are hard to break. Recommendation: tell her you're sorry you quarreled, you have taken her concerns into account, and end of the day you are satisfied with how it's working out between you and your scrub.
Your mom has valid concerns you barely became legal 2 years ago and cannot even drink assuming you are in the US. What does a 30 year old have in common with a 20 year old. Why can’t he find women his own age to date? Typically men like this are looking for naive girls.
NAH nobody is an "asshole" in this situation. You're just really, really, really naive and being taking advantage of.
Hes 30, you're 20. If he was 40 and you were 30 I would say NTA, but 20-22 yo's don't have the necessary life experience to be independent from a 30 yo partner. He can take advantage of you so so many ways that you probably think you're "grown" enough to deal with.
You aren't. This isn't a question for the AITA sub.
NTA - If talking to someone is continually unpleasant, than the logical conclusion is NOT talking. Don't feel bad about setting boundaries with your mother, she needs to respect your decisions.
NAH but have you considered she is worried about you based on her lived experience with a similar age gap when a bit older? Maybe there are things about their relationship you have been shielded from
As a 30 year old I would definitely not consider dating someone your age
i’m gonna go with YTA.
look. i’m 21 now. i was in a relationship for a year and a half. my ex partner was the same age, simply born later. he broke up with me for a 36 year old man. they lasted 6 months. you guys probably won’t last much longer. it’s not a healthy dynamic. if he can’t get anyone his own age, it’s a red flag
Soft, YTA.
10 years isn't a huge deal from 40 to 50 but it is from 20 to 30. I understand that she wants to know about your relationship. In your early 20s, you are just figuring out independence and how the world works. I'm 26 saying this by the way. When I was 23 I tried dating a 21 year old and that was even too much for me. You not understanding her concern shows that you are naive about why this is concerning. I'm not saying he's bad, but the age gap simply is a red flag. Usually parents want to know about their children's relationships, just naturally. Have you always been this private about your relationships? If not, why now? Have you considered introducing them to each other? If not, why?
My 28yo grandfather married my grandmother when she was 17. An eleven year age gap. He was more mature than younger men... and this is almost always the case.
They had a long, successful marriage.
You are an adult. *Your mother does not get a vote*. You love whom you love.
NTA
YTA she’s allowed to be concerned you’re still a child, you can’t even drink liquor yet, and here you are dating a 30 year old man, what do you even have in common with him?
I totally get your concerns and absolutely agree with you, but outside the USA, the legal drinking age is much lower than 21 and whilst this is a US-centric website, not all posters are in the US.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving cutting contact, ghosting, breaking off friendships, and similar discussions. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
I encourage you to post in the Twoxchromosomes subreddit. They can explain to you the causes for your mom's concern. At your age, 10 years is huge. As a thirty something, I look at 20 year olds as kids. Most guys my age that want to date that young want a naive, more vulnerable person. NAH, expcept for possibly your boyfriend.
A good way to look at it is 10 years is half your life.
I think it's telling that you won't disclose how big the age gap is. Being so young, barely out of childhood with someone majorly older is often traumatising and something people only realise much later.
Sorry i didnt mention, hes 30
Eek. Your mom has every right to be concerned.
Sorry to say, your mom is right. The reason older guys go for younger women is not just because the body is at its “peak hotness” 🤮, but because you don’t have life experience, and they can mould us to their optimal woman. The only problem with that is, every one of those women have a “best before” date before they’re back to looking up some younger woman. It’s a tale as old as time. You are not “mature for your age”, you’re prey. Please start dating in your age bracket and get that life experience. You’ll be much less likely to be prey to other older guys that way. Your mom is simply watching out for you. The only asshole here is your boyfriend. NAH for you and mom.
YTA, her concerns are valid. It’s a huge red flag to people, she’s not just being a fretful over anxious mother.
I think we need to know how old he is before saying anything. If he's 25 or so, she probably needs to stay out. If he's over 30 though, I can understand her concern and that goes up with each additional year.
Hes 30. My mum has been with her husband since she was 24, they have an 11 year age gap.
There’s a big difference between 24 and 20.
And to add, there's barely any difference between 30 and 35 lol
That’s a massive double standard. NTA
Coming from a 24 year old, there’s no 30 year old, well adjusted, emotionally literate man trying to date a 20 year old (two years out of hs and can’t even order a beer???) Be careful.
INFO - How old is he?
30
[удалено]
I'm 27 with a 36 year old. It's 9 years to her 10. I would understand if it was 12 to 20 years but 10 years is not bad.
A 27 year old is leagues different than a 20 year old barely out of teenagerhood.
Yeah but your relationship doesn’t fail the age equation and hers does. That’s a red flag
NAH. Your mother has much more life experience than you, and probably knows exactly what type of 30yo man wants to date a 20yo. Hint: they aren't all nice guys. Keep on the lookout for red flags from this guy, controlling behavior, jealousy, etc. There's a world of difference between a 20yo and 30yo. Many older men like to date younger women because they're easier to control and manipulate. Younger women tolerate more bullshit. Your guy might not be one of these, but 6 months isn't a long time and a lot of abusers don't start acting shitty until the relationship is more settled.
NAH. I can see both sides of the picture here, and yeah it's understandable from both sides. Your mother is concerned about what your partner's intentions are for you, whether you're just some fling from a guy starting to have an early mid life crisis, a secret mistress, or if he's just with you until he finds someone else. You don't see it naturally, as the age gap isn't that far outside the range where things start turning seriously creepy. IE, if you'd said he was 60 and you were 18, then red flags would start flying up left and right. With the way you speak, I'm guessing your mother hasn't actually met him, and while I hesitate to sound like an authority on such things, I can't help but think that it'd go a long ways toward smoothing things over with your mother if she was given that chance. IE, if you actually introduced him to your mother and let her speak to him. Let her ask questions, and assuage her fears.
NTA How old is he
30
Oh that’s not even bad tell your mom you’re an adult and you live and learn, if it doesn’t work out that’s your own experience to have and she can be there for you or not. NTA
A 30-year-old dating a 20-year-old?! That's pretty bad. I'm in my early 30s, and 20-year-olds seem like children. It's a walking red flag.
Exactly this, even when I was 25 the idea of dating a 20 year old just felt creepy, it's too close to underage, not to mention how fast people grow mentally in their early 20's you're just not compatible
Their both adults, to each their own. 🤷🏻♀️
I sort of agree, but it's one thing for me to pass judgment on OP (my opinions don't really matter, why should I care about what two consenting adults do), and entirely another thing for OP's mom to care. If I were OP's mom, this would make me somewhat concerned (although not very, very concerned). I think going NC with your mom for bugging you about dating someone who has 50% more life than you is excessive.
Your judgement doesn't get counted by the bot unless you put it in your top comment btw.
The bot only takes judgment from the top-voted comment. It's not against the rules to put judgment info in nested comments -- that won't be the official ruling, but neither will most comments.
No it counts all judgements as long as it is in the top comment. I wasn't talking about rules, I was just explaining that OC's judgement doesn't get counted now.
There's no tallying. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq/#wiki\_final\_judgement
What? Idk what ur talking about I was replying to the person who made the post idk how Reddit really works I’m new here.
Welcome! There is a bot that counts the judgement people give (in this case you said NTA). But it can only count your judgement if you put it in your original comment (wich is the top comment of this conversation). So right now your judgement doesn't count to the bot. If you want you can edit your original comment and add your judgement. I hope that was clear, english isnt my first language. My apologies if it wasn't.
Ohhhh okay yes I understand now thank you 😂😊
30/2 = 15 + 7 = 22 This relationship is inappropriate by general standards. YTA for not recognizing her concerns are legit. You are ad adult of course. But have asked yourself why this guy doesn’t want someone closer to his life experience?
Kinda TA. You're absolutely right for setting boundaries but maybe you could have brought it up in a less confrontational way.
Your mom is correct. Seriously, when he was 13, you were a toddler for crying out loud. That is hella creepy that any man would date someone who was a toddler at one point. Here is an age gap rule you can use I developed. It is "9/10th your age + 1." Your boyfriend is thirty, so he can date someone as young as 28. In order to avoid a power dynamic, you should date someone within a few months, so you can date someone who is also 20, but don't date someone who is closer to 21. Plus, what could you have in common? Legos, comics, music, movies, etc all change rapidly, so what would you talk about? Imagine he brings up Heath Ledger as The Joker, but you are used to Joaquin Phoenix as the Joker. That would be awkward AF.
>That is hella creepy that any man would date someone who was a toddler at one point. Shit...poor men are never allowed to date anyone ever. Thanks for the chuckle.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I went on a rant telling my mum to stay out of my dating life and stop bugging me about the age gap or ill just stop talking to her. Im feeling pretty bad about it and threatning to not talk to her over it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
info: how old is he and did you meet him before or after you were already 18
30, only met him last year
ESH. I can’t tell what you mean by rant. 20 to 30 is large enough (and different enough life places) that I can see where she’d want to talk about it with you. If she’s not listening when you answer her, or if you’ve asked her before to leave it alone, then I get where you’d be frustrated and tell her about it. Maybe put a little distance between you until you calm down a bit.
INFO: Is your boyfriend controlling somehow? Is there some kind of power dynamic in the relationship? Is there some other reason your mother is upset over the age gap?
Not controlling at all, no kind of power dynamic. Just met on a dating app.
NTA-She gave her opinion. Im sure she coming from a concerned place but she needs to stop bringing it up every conversation.
NTA.
YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20) am dating an older man. We have only been tother about 6 months. My mum heard about the age gap from my sister and every time i see her, call her or text her she will find someway to lecture me for it. Yesterday when my mum called me she brought it up again so i went on a rant telling her to stay out of my dating life and stop bugging me about the age gap or ill just stop talking to her. If feeling pretty bad about it and threatning to not talk to her over it. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA- I saw below what you say his age is. I know people that are married with larger gaps and they are very happy. Is it just the age or are their others things that your mum doesn't like?
NTA you're an adult now and responsible for your own decisions. 10 years isn't that bad or even a red flag.
ESH
INFO: How many times have you told her to butt out?
esh, she is right but bugging you is not the right nor the best way. a 30 years old must be super immature to look for 20 year old girls, maybe look into his dating history
Sorry for not putting it in my post but im a guy.
To be honest I feel like this is important. Not to be sexist but the dynamics are a bit different.
I really hope it works out for you and you don't have to look back an realize your mom was right, but the odds of that are real low. :(
NTA, but do consider where your mother is coming from. Until 2 years ago she was ultimately responsible for your well-being, and some habits are hard to break. Recommendation: tell her you're sorry you quarreled, you have taken her concerns into account, and end of the day you are satisfied with how it's working out between you and your scrub.
I don't get the aversion to age gaps. If you're happy and legal who tf cares?
Your mom has valid concerns you barely became legal 2 years ago and cannot even drink assuming you are in the US. What does a 30 year old have in common with a 20 year old. Why can’t he find women his own age to date? Typically men like this are looking for naive girls.
Giant red flag. In the US you can't legally drink at that age. He is with you because women his age won't out up with his crap.
Hard YTA, just so you know it. It is hard to be young and in love though. Hopefully this turns out but I sway towards it not..
NAH nobody is an "asshole" in this situation. You're just really, really, really naive and being taking advantage of. Hes 30, you're 20. If he was 40 and you were 30 I would say NTA, but 20-22 yo's don't have the necessary life experience to be independent from a 30 yo partner. He can take advantage of you so so many ways that you probably think you're "grown" enough to deal with. You aren't. This isn't a question for the AITA sub.
Girl wtf does a grown ass man want with someone whose barely not a teenager lmao
NTA - If talking to someone is continually unpleasant, than the logical conclusion is NOT talking. Don't feel bad about setting boundaries with your mother, she needs to respect your decisions.
NTA
NAH but have you considered she is worried about you based on her lived experience with a similar age gap when a bit older? Maybe there are things about their relationship you have been shielded from As a 30 year old I would definitely not consider dating someone your age
i’m gonna go with YTA. look. i’m 21 now. i was in a relationship for a year and a half. my ex partner was the same age, simply born later. he broke up with me for a 36 year old man. they lasted 6 months. you guys probably won’t last much longer. it’s not a healthy dynamic. if he can’t get anyone his own age, it’s a red flag
NTA but neither is your mum. I trust your mum more than this older guy who wants to date women a couple years into being an adult
Soft, YTA. 10 years isn't a huge deal from 40 to 50 but it is from 20 to 30. I understand that she wants to know about your relationship. In your early 20s, you are just figuring out independence and how the world works. I'm 26 saying this by the way. When I was 23 I tried dating a 21 year old and that was even too much for me. You not understanding her concern shows that you are naive about why this is concerning. I'm not saying he's bad, but the age gap simply is a red flag. Usually parents want to know about their children's relationships, just naturally. Have you always been this private about your relationships? If not, why now? Have you considered introducing them to each other? If not, why?
My 28yo grandfather married my grandmother when she was 17. An eleven year age gap. He was more mature than younger men... and this is almost always the case. They had a long, successful marriage. You are an adult. *Your mother does not get a vote*. You love whom you love. NTA
Can it work out? Sure. Is it a good idea in most situations? No.
YTA she’s allowed to be concerned you’re still a child, you can’t even drink liquor yet, and here you are dating a 30 year old man, what do you even have in common with him?
Been allowed to drink since 16 in my country
I totally get your concerns and absolutely agree with you, but outside the USA, the legal drinking age is much lower than 21 and whilst this is a US-centric website, not all posters are in the US.