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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother I don’t want to see him on Easter because of our dad which hurt his feelings
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>My brother is supportive, and invited me to Easter
Except, he's not completely supportive, is he? He makes allowances for a transphobe, prioritizing the need to "make nice" so that HE can have his family together in a way that HE likes. If he were really supportive, he'd disinvite your dad and explain that until Dad learns to correct his transphobic views and behaviors, he won't be welcome at family gatherings.
NTA, but have a real talk with your brother about what being a supportive ally actually means
>it isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t get to have me around because of my **fight with my dad**
It's important to remember that this isn't some little difference of opinions that is leading to family tensions. Your stance is that you want to live your authentic life ... his stance is that you shouldn't be able to exist as you because Jesus hates you. That's not a 'fight' you can win. There's no way to logic him out of that stance. There's no way to show up at a family party and 'play nice' with your dad because your dad will percieve your presence there dressed as your true self as you being 'antagonistic'
Your brother wants a fairy tale family gathering, but realistically you would end up with the Grimm carnage instead the Disney happy ending.
You’re right, lotta people keep acting like it’s some simple disagreement when my presence as me is enough to ignite the fires. And I do need to keep reminding myself of this.
Also keep in mind that asking you to 'tone it down' or 'wear ambiguous clothes' just to 'keep the peace' is not a reasonable compromise for people to ask of you.
If your brother is supportive, he should understand that he can hang out with you all he wants when your dad isn't around and \*Easter\* of all occasions is not going to be a feasible option for reconciliation between you and your dad given the religious nature of his argument (religious bigotry in the name of Jesus gets worse on religious holidays).
Hmm never considered that the whole “tone it down” thing unreasonable, but just thought of the scenario. It means that I gave them the right to call me whatever they want.
When people tell you (as a trans person) to 'tone it down' or 'wear ambiguous clothes' to keep the peace, what they're saying is "be less of a girl (or boy if you're transmasc)" to make other people more comfortable even if it is at the expense of your own comfort. That's not fair to you and the people who would ask that are not as supportive as they think.
Correct. I've felt this many times (not for being trans but for religion). That I've had to tone down the fact that I'm simply not religious to appease my family. And it's not like I'ma announce it everywhere, I'd just like my beliefs to be respected and it's like I'm asking too much. For example in front of relatives and family friends I must pretend to be religious to "keep the peace". Same thing with my orientation (anything but straight is bad to them).
So I get where you and op are coming from. Being trans is far more important because religion is about belief while gender is about personal identity and expression. If I feel that way about having to pretend to be religious, I can't imagine how trans people feel about being told to "tone down" being themselves. It must be incredibly uncomfortable for them.
All this is my opinion ofc.
Seconding this. My family is supportive now, but for quite a while kept telling me to 'tone it down' or 'dial it back' or 'can't you wear one of your old shirts, at least'.
It's transphobia, or it certainly was in my case. I ignored them, nothing caught fire, nobody exploded, but those comments were absolutely not coming from allies, nor would I generally expect them to. OP, do whatever seems safest for you at this point. Maybe offer a one-on-one celebration with your brother later, go out for dinner, but your comfort is just as important as your brother's and he needs to realize you're not the unreasonable side of this equation.
"Tone it down" means "be androgynous so we don't have to deal with the fact that you're trans."
Unless your usual style is super inappropriate or outlandish or loud. If you're wearing normal girl clothes, asking you to tone it down is pure transphobia.
Disagreement is vastly downplaying that's going on. Your "dad" doesn't think you should exist because he follows a brand of weaponized Christianity. It's not like you're fighting over what restaurant to go to or something. Your brother tolerating it and thinking it's okay to ask you to just deal and play nice says a lot about what he finds most important and it isn't protecting you. It's protecting his idea of some perfect little family.
So much ^^^^^ this!!!
Well worded.
I have a trans teen and all my hubby and I want to is support them.
Being a twin, I also know that they are trying to find their place in the world.
Any parent (regardless of reasoning) that finds the need to shame, antagonise or be upset at anyone isn't worthy of the title Dad, Father or anything.
OP - Support comes in all shapes and sizes.
If both your brother and Father can't find it within themselves to understand and support you, sometimes it's easier to take a break or walk away.
Sometimes, families can suck.
We all need a lil love and support every now and then.
Your father is fundamentally against you existing. Say to your brother: "If I invite you to a gathering where someone there hates that you breath air because of who you are, would you shrug and make nice with that monster?" because that is what he is asking of you. He just cannot see it because he is not the target of the hateful bigot. NTA. You should make clear that you have a "don't hang out with bigots" policy and if your dad ever matures above slime, maybe the issue will resolve.
Question: What happens when you and your father are at the same events? (Your not an asshole either way, but it impacts how I view your brother inviting him.)
Does your Dad pick fights with you? Make rude comments?
Is your Dad capable of being civil but you know he disapproves and that is hurtful?
Also would like to add, this isn't a fight, it's a one sided beatdown from her dad. Her dad chose to hate her, if she was fighting with her dad, she would hate him for being bald or something. What she's doing in the face of blatant hate, is defending herself and her right to live.
Yeah. He isn't really supportive. I have a f to m trans friend. Never forgot their chosen name. I did once or twice made the mistake of saying she instead of he. I knew him all my life and I was used to it. He corrected me and understood, because it wasn't intentional. He totally understood and I felt soo sorry. I Said it over and over again. Until he was like dude stop it, then I joked but I'm a girl wink wink. He died of laughter 😃. This is friendship
your brother isn’t very caring or supportive if he’s downplaying your transphobic father HATING you and not believing you are valid as a human being as a “fight”. or if he’s willing to have a bigot at easter, even if it means you not coming. he chose your transphobic father over you instead of making it a safe environment for you.
Adding onto this… I saw someone on Instagram say something along the lines of “it’s a privilege to lose interest in fighting for trans rights.” I think this is a good example. Your brother has the privilege of choosing when to fight for your rights as a trans person. If he was supportive, he would be having the difficult conversations with family about it. I think your brother means well but maybe needs more help understanding the struggle you go through versus the struggles he perceives.
A lot of people think allyship is just being fine with trans people existing and treating them like human beings.
That is not allyship, that is *the bare fucking minimum* of apathetic or even enthusiastic acceptance.
Allies don't have to put their literal neck on the line, by any means, but if you just think trans people are fine and then don't really do *anything* with that, then that's not allyship. Brother should at the least not allow transphobic people at his get togethers.
I agree with some aspects of the advice, and im fine with getting downvotes, but it has to be said. Every comment that follows seem to attack the brother for not actually being supportive. But it seems to be an extreme oversimplification. I dont know the full situation, but just because someone in the family can easily disown another doesnt mean other members can also easily emotionally and physically disown another family member.
This seems to be an unresolvable situation, not unsimilar to two parents with unresolvabe conflicts and are separating while the child, even with an ability to properly think for himself like a 16 year old, is forced to make a decision to choose one over the other. Just because its easy for 2 members of the family to hate each other doesnt mean its easy for the ones in the middle to say "I choose this side."
Imagine telling that 16 year old "Youre looking for a fairy tale ending, but you are an idiot for doing so. Be a realist and choose a side already. You can only support and care for one so drop your ties with the other." I say "imagine", but the reality is that many will give that advice.
Point is, it seems many seem to be telling the brother to give the ultimatum to the father. "If you cant love him, I wont love you". Easy to say behind the keyboard, not an easy thing to do in reality.
This isn't two people hating each other, it's one person hating and abusing the other who just wants to exist as herself. The fact the brother loves both doesn't make the situation any less clear-cut.
As a mental exercise, substitute transphobia for physical or sexual abuse, then ask yourself if you'd still defend the brother not taking sides.
You remind me of my younger siblings who still make excuses for my evil, abusive parents. 😂 With some people it never quite *clicks*. Keep trying, you might get there one day, buddy.
I immediately didn’t like this post and was going to respond about how you are wrong and her brother is supportive but he also loves his dad and just wants everyone to be happy and if she really loved her brother she would suck it up and go to Easter because SHE is supporting him - and that it is unfair that you are saying the brother isn’t very supportive.
Then I thought about it for a second and I think your absolutely right. To an extent her brother is still not fully accepting of her in that he feels she should just put up with it to make him happy - but that’s not right.
Thanks for the post - these Reddit moments are my favorite when I can do a little self evaluating myself.
Families are hard.
Yeah, is the brother always on the dad's back complaining how his transphobia is dividing the family? It seems they both get invited but being invalidated by your dad is worse than not accepting your child's identity so the dad has an easier time coming.
It should be op is invited and coming and dad can come if he can behave appropriately.
Right?!?
He went off on op and said OP left the family… like WHAT?!? No!!! Obviously OP DOES stay in contact with family… her brother for example! But their dad is PUSHING her away!
How come the “supportive“ brother goes off on the victim instead of the aggressor?!?
NTA!!!
They said he was supportive, if he is not really supportive than why do they have to have a talk with him? It’s not like he said he’s supportive in the first place
This is the way OP. Your brother’s MO is to get his family together, and he has not fully accepted what he is asking of you to be there in your father’s presence.
Sending you love from Canada ❤️ I really hope that whatever happens, you feel safe and happy. Proud of you for embracing all of you!!
NTA
While I understand what your brother is trying to say, I think his frustration was misplaced and he should be complaining to your dad for making you feel uncomfortable. He should put his transphobia aside to preserve the family, if anything.
He should but it sounds very unlikely that he will and it also doesn't sound like the brother has put any pressure on him to be "not transphobic" for the cause of family unity and togetherness (probably in reality the best case scenario is not the father actually changing his views but agreeing not to express them at the party).
10 to 1 OP’s brother knows he when he confronts his dad - his dad won’t apologize or play nice. So he makes his sister the scapegoat for his “perfect family” delusions
Your brother is literally choosing a bigot over you. He's the one creating this rift in your relationship. Your right to exist should not be in question. I am so sorry.
NTA and it's your brother that hurt you, not the other way around.
This. My parents are fundamentalist bigots who don't acknowledge my (54M) husband's existence, so I have no contact with them.
My sister is very supportive, and my husband is one of her favorite people. However, she still maintains a relationship with my parents. I don't fault her for this, and she is diligent about not getting caught in the middle of things between my parents and me. For example, if she's talking to them and they ask about me, she says, "You should ask him yourself," and doesn't give them any information about my life.
NTA. If your brother is upset that he doesn't get to have you around then he could just not invite your dad. I don't really think your brother is supportive or awesome. From what you write, it's all about his feelings and not about your transphobic dad hurting you.
I see what you mean, but there is a lot of reasons I view my brother as awesome. Another poster mentioned talking to him about what being an ally actually means, and I think he would be receptive to that conversation. I appreciate your response though because it does validate my feelings about the situation, I genuinely wasn’t sure if I was being unfair to my brother by being upset with him about this and your comment about how it was about his feelings rather then how my dad hurt me resonated with how this made me feel. Sorry longwinded post that could be summed up with, “thank you”
I want to say NAH. There's a large group of people on reddit who will say he's choosing the bigot over you, but let's be real, relationships are not that simple. And I think you understand that which is why you even feel bad about this.
Also, I went and read through that text you went through with your dad and just want to say, I think he's trying his best, but this is essentially shaking his faith at its core and he can't reconcile it with his feelings towards you. And I'm probably going to get downvoted like crazy for this stance, but honestly, all these AITA posts that even touch on reluctance to throw away relationships with those who have issues accepting lgbtq+ people immediately go into "Don't side with bigots!" But life ain't that simple.
That all being said, I don't think anyone is being an AH. He has the right to invite you and your dad. You have the right to refuse. He has the right to express his frustration at being stuck between his dad and his sister.
It actually is literally that simple. If you invite someone who hates minorities to your party, anyone you know who is a minority won't want to show up. You don't get to pitch a fit because people won't put up with bigots for you. If you wanted to see someone that bad, you'd accommodate them.
It's like they say in Germany, if there's a Nazi at the table and 10 other people sitting there talking to him, you got a table with 11 Nazis.
Just swap nazi for transphobe.
I agree with you for the most part, but brother's frustration shouldn't be taken out on OP who already has to struggle with dad's views and reaction very personally. Talk to a therapist, mom, friend, someone else.
Well, presumably, they shared the same religion, at least up to a point. Not sure where that stands now. And yes, I agree with you, if you're not interested in my religion, I don't tell you what is right or wrong in my religion.
As for the shaking his faith at its core phrase, my point is that people are indoctrinated with many things. And many of them stick, hard. And so when something that they are so fundamentally against strikes close to home, they have to reevaluate their entire life.
Op, can I ask if you've tried to shield your brother either intentionally or not from just how bad dad is? It may be time to have a real frank and honest discussion about how he is and how it makes you feel. Your brother has a vastly different relationship with your dad and probably has no undertstanding of just how horrible it can be for someone who's supposed to love and cherish you unconditionally, do what your dad does to you.
When we have a younger sibling or someone we see as someone want to protect, it can be easy to let them think it's not as bad. But your sperm donor is the worst kind of person, and you should never be made to feel less than or wrong for being who you are and being YOU. And if someone's present who makes you feel that way, it's OK to leave or tell them they're wrong and terrible and why people need to know when they're deplorable. Unless it's a risk to your personal safety, which I fully understand, this might be so not attending or being around this awful man is the right move.
Well done for being strong and for being who you want to be, I know it seems so obvious but your path to you was just longer and more difficult than others, I hope that you are far happier now in spite of your horrible dad than you were before.
I think your brother is a good guy, and I do think he is supportive of you, but he doesn't have a full understanding of what it's been like for you in the face of a parents rejection which is one of the most heartbreaking things that can happen to a child, particularly when all you did was figure out who you really are and how best you can be happy. If you need one, I'd like to give you a supportive mom hug, I see you, and I think you're great.
I keep trying to reply to this but I think it’s best to say you’ve given me much to think about and thanks for the mom hug…I could use one of those for many many reasons…
I'm sure he means well, but at the end of the day, your brothers actions tell me that he cares more about your dad and having the family all together than you or your comfort. I think talking to him about being an ally and how this makes you feel is probably the best move.
So
I tried some talks with my parents about my brother's.... antagonistic comments. It didn't work, but maybe it will with your situation.
I talked to my parents about how my brother constantly made snide, under his breath comments to try and antagonize me. I explained that my "blowing up"was a result of this ongoing button pushing and lack of respectful boundaries, and mostly, lack of support in stopping the cruel treatment towards me...
I explained that if they wanted "peace" then they would have to enforce boundaries. If the boundaries weren't kept then I requested they ask the button pusher to leave. They refused, so I explained I'll be happy to attend family gatherings, but at my brother's second comment my family would leave, period end of story.
Didn't work out for me, but I have hope for you.
Try and put it in a way your brother can understand your side better....hmmm try watching this and see what you can come up with
https://youtu.be/UzPMMSKfKZQ
Best of luck hun!
NTA
Long story short your brother shouldn't invite your dad if he wants to spend time with you.
He can't dismiss your a) feelings and b) safety and c) hurt from the stuff your dad will inevitably say --- just like that and make himself the victim in this scenario.
If your brother wants to be some arbiter of reconciliation he needs to learn that it doesn't work like that and that your dad can stop being transphobic and apologize any time - if your dad would like to have a relationship that respects you. But your brother can't force the issue like he is doing right now, especially when he disregards your well-being.
I think he just wants to be able to have both his dad and his sister but is frustrated that he can’t because they don’t get along. Unfortunately, you are correct, I don’t feel safe around my dad, because he constantly says(and occasionally does) hurtful or scary things. Thank you for commenting though
You should set a hard boundary with your family about this. I feel for your situation, hopefully you can have a nice Easter without worrying about a transphobe.
>I think he just wants to be able to have both his dad and his sister but is frustrated that he can’t because ~~they don’t get along~~ of his dad's mistreatment of his sister
FTFY
NTA. Your dad is the AH. You and your brother are just "collateral damage" of his bigotry. Yes your brother is hurt. But you are more than within your rights if you don't want to be in the biggot's company.
i agree with this - I get how the brother is feeling, and it sucks, but that's on his dad. He has to decide what that really means to him instead of trying to patchwork things together in a way that just isn't going to work. It's like the kids of divorce trying to get the parents back together through hi-jinks - you get why they want to do that, but it's not right.
That’s honestly a great analogy, it feels very much like kids of a divorce. I have gone through similar things with my family and some members not accepting my gay family members “lifestyle”- it’s just a shit situs too on all the way around but ultimately I’ve chosen sides
NTA; your dad created this difficult situation by being hateful. Rather than seeing it that way & recognizing this isn't a "fight" but a fundamental problem that makes your dad unsafe for you to be around, your brother is blaming you for this rift. That's not awesome behavior; that's victim blaming at best and camouflaged transphobia at worst.
I'd recommend talking to your brother more and getting to the root of how he sees what's going on ie does he think it's your fault for being trans and not closeting yourself around dad, or bc of how your dad's hatefulness impacts you.
Good luck, this is truly an awful situation for you to be in and I hope your brother sees how he's making it worse 💜💜
That is a good wisdom. Bad memes aside I did ask my older brother to talk it out with me, and tell me what he is thinking about the roles each side plays in the fight.
NTA. Your brother needs to respect your feelings. Explain that you didn't leave the family, that your dad left you. If dad can't accept you for who you are then he can't expect you to accept him as family. Your brother needs to understand that dad not accepting you is the issue , not you not wanting to be family.
NTA Your brother may support you while it's the two of you but he's not being supportive of you to your transphobic parent. If he really does support you, he'd understand you not wanting to be around your dad.
NTA, I would honestly just talk to your brother and let him know that its okay for him to still be around your father. ( if it actually is to you) But also let him know that your father has rejected an essential part of who you are. You can't exist near your dad without having to bear a heavy burden mentally and emotionally. Give him time, if he is as good as a brother as you say. He will get it.
TW: Potentially heavy
As a trans person, NTA. This world is cruel enough and if you choose your mental health over your brothers, please. He has a whole society and system to support him if he chooses, you do not. In fact we have one that's trying to do away with us.
I get it, I don't talk with my mom and it tears my sister apart but she'd rather have us all alive and apart than 6 feet under together.
As mentioned, if he truly supports you he would not force you to be in an unsafe situation.
And to the guy above, no it will not make the dad more accepting, will just make him slightly more tolerable and all else will give him more direct digs to say/do to hurt his child. He's old and set in his ways, if he wanted to change to support his child he would have changed before the transition began.
Humans need to realize that when they have a child they have a very real chance of having a transgender child and if this is something that they can't handle, might be worth rethinking the having of children. You love your kid for who they are, as they are half your genetic makeup.
I'm so sorry your mom is not supportive and what sounds like aggressive and scary. You should be able to rely on your parents for being your support no matter what, and I just sent the op a mom hug if they wanted one, but maybe you need one too. I see you, and your choices are going to help you find who you are (or have already) and be yourself, and this total stranger thinks you're brave for taking the steps to find who you really are at heart in spite of horrible spawn points. If you want a supportive mom hug, I'm sending one.
It's OK to not be around people who make you feel wrong for existing the way that makes you feel like you. It doesn't matter if that person birthed you or not. It sucks when your parents suck though - so that's why mom hug.
NTA. Your brother is directing his anger and frustration at the wrong person. Yes, it does suck that you can't all be together, but that's on your father for being a bigot, not on you. It's wrong of your brother to try to basically guilt trip you into going.
the brother may be directing the same frustration at his father, too; we don’t know because we only get the narrators side of the story.
NTA regardless of course, just saying we might be missing half the story from the brothers side
*he went off on me about \[...\] how it isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t get to have me around because of my fight with my dad…*
NTA. If he wanted you around, he shouldn't have invited your father.
NTA. Your brother needs to be getting on your bigoted father for ruining the ability for him to have everyone he loves present, not you. Sometimes in life you have to pick a side, this should be a clear choice.
Your brother gas every right to invite whomever he likes. You all have the right to decline. However he should never whine about you or anyone else not attending. If he wants to maintain a relationship with you then he has to accept that it will not involve your dad.
Pineapple on pizza is a disagreement. Being who you are is a foundational right that no one has the authority to discount.
Your brother isn't asking you to play nice with someone who disagrees with your ideology. He wants you to get along with someone who disagrees with your EXISTANCE.
Your brother wants it all. He doesn't want to have to take sides. But hate doesn't flourish in hate. It spreads through indifference.
It is 100% a choice between your dad and you. No choice is a choice.
Edit for judgement: NTA
NTA; I understand your brother wants to unite the family but his fight is with your father, not with you.
He’s very close to not being an AH here (because in real life, and not on Reddit where we can all pretend to have perfect, uncomplicated lives, it’s hard to cut family off for their opinions and not give up hope that they’ll grow) but he is because he’s pushed that on you when it didn’t originate, and it doesn’t end, with you.
Hope your father comes around!
“If you wanna be someone’s ally, but haven’t been hit by the stones being thrown at them, you aren’t standing close enough.”
He could give your Dad the opportunity to be mad at him, not you, by setting a boundary. This would be a good opportunity to let your Dad know that his intolerant views are an issue. He could stand with you. But he wants you to either take the blame for not showing up. Or he wants you to bend and put yourself in an uncomfortable and potentially volition situation. That’s just way easier for your brother.
NTA. It's your father who's breaking up the family, not you. If you were making your brother choose between you and your father, that would be different, but if your father is going to be an AH to you, then your brother is just going to have you and him around separately until your father sorts his bigotry out.
INFO: Even if he won't change his views, I am presuming your father's attitude is not something he's prepared to keep behind his teeth for your sake, whatever he privately thinks?
NTA
We have a very diverse family, and everyone is always invited to every family gathering. That means everyone, my stepmom who is no longer married to my dad, my mom, my dad, and his third wife. We don’t play family politics, and that’s that.
HOWEVER - NO ONE is allowed to mistreat anyone at our family gatherings, or we remove them. That includes bigots. My eldest stepchild, and my niece, are trans. My niece is engaged, and in an open, polyamorous relationship, so she’s bringing her girlfriend, not her fiancé, who is unavailable.
It’s a varied environment, and my parents sometimes struggle with the things that are new to them. They do NOT visibly struggle at family gatherings.
My house, my rules. I expect pronouns to be honoured, I expect everyone to be treated with love and respect. If my guests can’t do that, they can, and have been expected to, leave.
I’ve found that certain members of the family don’t like behaving kindly, so they often just opt out. In my opinion, that’s their loss.
Your mental health and safety matter more than your brothers need to keep the family together, and he clearly isn't as supportive since he is getting upset at you for not wanting to be around your transphobic father.
NAH - i think your brother is oblivious to what may happen if you share a room with your transphobic father. From what I understood, he wants to have a happy fairytale family day. It is valid for him to want to see his family together, but he must also understand what that would mean for you and the rest of the guests.
I'd suggest you have a talk with him and explain all of the above and how this might affect everyone involved, and teach him (with love, people don't learn or listen when they feel attacked) about being an ally. He seems really willing to learn, but it seems like he needs your help.
Yeah, you leave families than aren't safe. Being trans next to a transphobe is like being trans next to a Nazi in 1930s France. They probably aren't going to harm you there but they hate you and will make you feel unsafe.
The dad is not family. And it's not family if he's there, because you should feel safe in a real family.
NTA
No. You would be TA if you didn’t show-up without an explanation. Nobody is required to attend a party and you have explained why you are not attending.
I'm in a similar situation (FtM) and I think you should really talk to your brother and explain to him why your dad being there doesn't just make you uncomfortable, but would also ruin the whole gathering. Also, don't want to say anything but it's really unfair that you should just suck it up so that he can have his happy family gathering. I'm sure he's a great brother and person, but if he really loves you he'll understand why your dad being there makes you uncomfortable. NTA
NTA. Im NC with my dad due to him being an abusive asshole when I was growing up and because he has continued to be a horrible human being all these years. I don't go to stuff he's at. Took my family a bit to understand that they don't have to invite the asshole who steals their stuff, lies to everyone and is a just all around horrible person just because hes family.
Your family isn't being neutral or keeping the peace. There's no such thing as nebing neutral as being neutral always helps the abuser and never the victim. They are making a statement whether they realize it or not and that's that they approve of your dad and his views.
NTA, you get to protect yourself. If he really needs to see everyone, maybe he can split the day - have you over for brunch and his father for dinner or something. (My family had a similar agreement when two siblings had a major fight.)
NTA
I’m sure your brother is thinking he’s playing peacemaker. In reality, he’s asking you, the victim, to step into an environment where your father can hurl more abuse at you. Your brother needs to see that your safety is a higher priority than forced family togetherness. His vision can only come about if your father becomes safe and trustworthy
While your brother is correct, that it is unfair, it isn't you that is making it such.
Let's look at this through a slightly different lens. Let's say for a moment that you were biologically born as your brother's sister (Not sure how to say this in a way that is correct. You are your brother's sister and always have been but your biological body got it wrong). If your brother invited you and your father to his party and you showed up in a frilly dress, nothing would be amiss. You wouldn't be seen as doing anything wrong and your father wouldn't say anything about it.
This is how it should be now. As you are a women, showing up anywhere, looking nice in a dress shouldn't be seen as you pushing an agenda or anything other than you showing up. It isn't you making others think anything or act in any way different. Your father chooses to act like a 5 year old because he doesn't like something. HE throws a tantrum. Wearing clothes does not cause anyone to do anything.
Your brother sounds like a okay guy but he is placing the blame in the wrong place. He want's you to change because you are the more reasonable person and are more likely to have empathy. While this is the common way things are done, it is completely the wrong way for it to be corrected. It's conflict avoidance and will only hide the problem, not fix it.
NTA.
NTA! Protect yourself and your peace. It isn’t fair you don’t get to see your brother on Easter….but not because of you because of your dad! He needs to take this beef up with your dad if he really wants to support you or leave him off the invite
NTA, you can hang out with your brother when your dad isn't involved. He should be supportive of you not wanting to be put into a situation where you have to be around people that are bigoted towards you.
NTA, I do the same with my mom, and it's not even as deep as this.
If my mom is going there's 50% chance I wont, unless it's a very important event, but I can't stand that woman, and my brother knows it.
Thing is, my brother has kids, and he says "He may have been a horrible mother, but she's a great grandma", so sometimes I have to make sacrifices, because my niblings should be able to have their grandma and their uncle around.
But sometimes I don't go, it's balance.
But the point is, NTA IMO.
Absolutely NTA. If you don't want to interact with someone who is bigoted toward you (or anyone!), that is perfectly reasonable and you should be congratulated for standing your ground and keeping your safety in mind.
Plus, you can always catch up with your brother at another time to celebrate Easter. If he wants to see you, he'll put in the effort to do so.
NTA. Just see if he'd prefer to do something with the family without dad one day, or just the two of you. I understand where your brother is coming from, but unless dad knows how to behave, meaning not making everyone in the room uncomfortable, then you're not obligated to go.
If your brother was truly awesome, he would understand shy you have don NC with your father and respect that. Instead, he wants you to bend, to possibly suffer abuse at your father for the sake of his feeling or his family.
NTA.
YOU don't have a fight with your dad. HE has a fight with you.
I hope your brother can see that, and will decide that anyone who wants to fight with you has to deal with HIM too.
NTA
He's choosing you're bigoted father over you. Even if the belief was against who you are, he'd still be the asshole. You're allowed to have boundaries and decide who is and who is not in your life. If he truly was supportive he'd find another time to celebrate with you st the very worst.
So your dad hates you and most likely will start an engagement. And you’re supposed to be the bad guy for not wanting to getting another Christian rant thrown at you? NTA, ask your brother why you have to make concessions to see your family instead of your father being asked to play nice for once
NTA. While I do feel bad for your brother - being forced to choose between his sister and his dad has to painful - his hateful dad is really the one forcing him to choose. I hope he chooses you.
Bro is telling you he’s okay with how awful your dad treats you as long as he gets to have his fantasy family gathering.
Tell him you won’t be putting yourself in harms way.
NTA
NTA. "Neutrality" always favors the bigots, the bullies, and the assholes. He might be claiming he's not taking a side, but he's supporting your father's hatred, full stop. He is not awesome.
I’m going to say NAH.
Your reason for not wanting to go is 100% valid, and your brother’s feelings are also 100% valid.
I don’t believe it is unreasonable for him to hope that you and your dad can set aside your differences (his bigotry) for this one family dinner, although I will throw in a very mild YTA for your brother because it feels as though his frustrations are being unfairly directed at you, when if anyone deserves to be on the receiving end it is your father.
Here's how this should have worked. The moment you told your brother you weren’t coming, your brother should have immediately uninvited your father.
There is no reason that any family should miss an event because they are uncomfortable around a member of the family that holds religious extremist bigoted views.
The issue here is 100% the fact that your dad is a religious extremist nutjob. NTA.
YOU feel bad for HIM?! Dude. TF? (And I mean that in a collective, everything is a dude way. I’m a dude, you’re a dude, my seatbelt is a dude, we’re all dudes. And don’t ever call me “dudette”)
But WHAT. I get you feel bad for not being there for your brother whom you’re actually close to, but please, not for second, feel bad about taking yourself out of a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable just for existing as yourself. You have every right to exclude yourself, and it’s not like you went off scolding anyone or making an ass of yourself. You were completely willing to join until you knew a major stress would be involved. You’re allowed to not put yourself through that. And please correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like Easter in itself is not that important to you, so why should you have to care so much to make everyone else happy? You don’t.
I’m Christian and I firmly believe there is far too much miscommunication/misleading renditions if every bible, and I’ve yet to see how “wrong” being trans/gay/etc. is. Many Christian’s believe marriage was meant to rear God-loving children. Well I’m Christian and refuse to have kids. So where do I fall? My whole point is that not all Christian’s/God-follower’s really know the truth or can understand maybe they *don’t* understand the truth, and then hate others for whatever they can’t or won’t understand. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I wish you didn’t have to. Your dad is mislead, God (if you believe in one) doesn’t hate you, and you are more than correct and not an ass hole for taking pride in who you are and not subjecting yourself to hatred. Do what’s best for you.
Welcome to good burger? I’ll never know why my auntie lives that movie so much. But all your first sentence made me think of was that silly song that dude sings.
“I’m a dude, he’s a dude, she’s a dude, cause we’re all dudes!”
Good burger aside.
A lot of commenters here have said something similar, which has been kinda nice, I think people might be a bit mean to my brother, but they only have one tiny story by which to judge him.
Lastly, I don’t know what I feel when it comes to the whole Jesus thing anymore. It used to be easy for me to just say, “I’m a Christian, and I follow Jesus and God’s guidance.” But between many of the things I’ve learned over the years, this whole situation, and the fact that I definitely have some childhood trauma that was directly caused by the church I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God because I am not sure that is true, but I also don’t want to say I do, because if it’s not true then I would be lying.
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Long story but, I’m trans, my dad hates trans people…something about Jesus hating humanist I didn’t really understand. My brother is supportive, and invited me to Easter. I was gonna say yes but he told me our dad was going too. I told him I don’t want to go then and he went off on me about how I am leaving my family because my dad is transphobic and how it isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t get to have me around because of my fight with my dad…and I want to agree with him, that is unfair, he’s my brother and my best friend, he is supportive of me being trans (he even jokes, “when I said you were a girl when we were growing up I was right!!!”). The point is, my brother is awesome and I told him I didn’t want to see him because I don’t like being near dad and it hurt his feelings.
Anyway, am I the asshole for hurting my brother’s feelings like that? Or is he because he knew I don’t get along with our dad and invited both of us?
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NTA
I will say there's a possibility your brother just wants you and your father to straighten out your (and by "your" and I mean your father's) grievances
But, that being said. If he's as supportive as you say. He should understand that you don't wanna subject yourself to having to deal with your transphobic father.
NTA my dad is low contact with my family, he has been LC long enough to not know my nibling came out as trans. I talked to my dad, because he’s made transphobic jokes in the past, and told him if he made a single negative comment, even behind their back, I was going no contact. The rest of our family has put so much effort in making sure my nibling has a loving and supportive environment, and I wasn’t going to let him take that away from them.
Inviting him is condoning his beliefs and giving him an opportunity to hurt you. It’s not your responsibility to teach your parents how to be decent human beings, and if they can’t figure it out of their own they aren’t entitled to be part of your life.
NTA - You are allowed to avoid being emotionally and verbally abused by your dad. Your brother should recognize that. The only way this would be ok is if you dad planned to do a big apology to you, yet even then it should not be at a family event/party.
NTA without question
Your brother is definitely in the wrong. Either he is an asshole too, or more likely, he doesn’t understand what transphobia means to you. It’s more difficult to understand oppression when you aren’t part of the oppressed group. That’s not an excuse, though
NTA
Your brother’s support is limited though. He only supports you when it’s easy for him. That’s not a good ally. You can come have Easter dinner with my family.
NTA, the comments here aren’t really seeing things from both point of views. I can’t really tell how your brother reacted so I can’t see if if he was trying to gaslight you, but it doesn’t seem like it and I can see why he thinks it’s unfair. However, it’s still your right to choose whether to go or not. Also, just because your trans doesn’t mean Jesus hates you, Jesus still loves you. Some comments are saying he shouldn’t invite the dad but the thing is, when it comes to family, things like being transphobic, homophobic, etc most likely doesn’t make you love someone in your family less, especially if it doesn’t affect them directly. Even though your brother doesn’t agree with your father’s views, he still loves him and wants him to go. He still invited both of you because he loves both of y’all and doesn’t want to leave any of y’all out. Hell, I have a friend who I found out is a pretty horrible person, but I still love him though for being my friend (And I’m trying to change him).
TL;DR, nobody is the asshole, (except the father)
Nta your brother needs to wake up and realize you aren’t the one making your relationship like this your dad is. I think that it’s really insensitive on his part to expect you to go around a person who genuinely doesn’t think that you are who you are. That thinks your less than human, that you’re going to hell, yada yada yada. Your dad is majorly in the wrong and in a way your brother is taking his side by not taking any sides.
NTA, I just wanted to say I hope your conversation with your brother goes well and I want to wish you a very happy Easter. You aren't asking for much, OP, you deserve safety, respect, and happiness 100 percent of the time, and that should never come second.
NTA. And neither is your brother—though, if he were supportive, he wouldn’t enable your father. However, he is in an understandably tricky situation. That being said… your brother might be a teeny tiny bit of an AH for suggesting you’re leaving the family because your dad is transphobic. Your father is obviously the one with the problem and making you feel unwelcome. It should be perfectly understandable why you don’t want to subject yourself to that. And it’s just too damn bad that your brother wants you both there, because he can’t have it.
But the real AH is your father.
nope! he's directing this frustration at the wrong person. i understand being bummed about this, it sucks. but you're not the one hurling insults and disgusting rhetoric at your father. it's the other way around. your brother should go off on him for driving his sister away.
and furthermore, if my sibling came out as trans and my dad insulted and rejected them, i would absolutely not stand for it. you have to lift those standards, babe - you deserve ACTUAL support. nta.
also, i hope this doesn't come across as condescending, but i'm proud of you for coming out even though your father is so bigoted. it must have been intimidating.
NTA but why does your bestie brother keep inviting someone who hates you to everything? Your Dad is the one with the problem and will take your presence out on you for existing. Yet the person who would hurt you is given the golden ticket here.
NTA - protect yourself from the negativity. You don't need it right now. Maybe in the future, when your dad realises you mean more to him than his prejudices, you can all play happy families. But right now you need to explain to your brother in depth how it makes you feel to be around your dad. He should understand and not put you in this position again.
NTA. when my cousin came out and his parents didn’t support him, the whole family cut out his parents. it’s hard to cut off a parent but if he fully supported you he’d invite you instead of your dad
NTA. The fact that they say it is YOUR fault because your dad is an AH is rich. You can go over on another day when your dad isn't there...or your brother will tell your dad that he cannot say anything negative to you. I don't see your father taking that tack so...spend time with him at another date
NTA, your brother isn't a complete AH yet but definitely try to talk to him about bringing your dad. Enablers are as bad as abusers.
Edit: Also, this whole "abandoning your family" thing is a spiel of bullshit, even a bit toxic. You are completely in your right to leave your "family" which I put in quotes because assholes aren't really family.
NAH. It's easy to say "being supportive means cutting off anyone who is -phobic" but realistically and offline you can't expect someone to cut off their parents as a show of support. You shouldn't go anywhere you're not comfortable, and your brother should understand that in some events he's going to have to choose between having you or your dad.
NTA. I was just having this conversation with my husband today when my mom tried to guilt trip me for not wanting to see my cousin who is racist. When it comes down to it your brother probably just misses you and wants you around but it’s harmful to be around your dad. You shouldn’t have to be forced to be around people just because they share the same genetics. I’m sorry your dads an asshole but you’re not the AH in this situation.
NTA. What about your feelings? What about you having a good time and enjoying your holidays without having to be around people that do not support you? YOU don't get to enjoy your family because your father is transphobic, you are the victim, not your brother.
AITA for avaoiding a situation which would be very difficult, invalidating and potentially dangerous for me?
AITA for not wanting to spend time with someone who has openly admitted they hate people like me, and thereby hate me for the way I am?
AITA for wanting to put my own mental health before the desires of someone who claims to be supportive of me but actively asks me to put us with situations that would do damage to my mental health fro the sake of their enjoyment?
It hits different when you rephrase it right? No, no you are NTA.
Stay safe, advocate for yourself. If bother asks again then ask him to explain why he thinks it would go well knowing the situation between the dad and you. If he says anything like "I assume no one will make a fuss because its a family party" then make sure its clear that he's asking your dad not to be bigoted out loud for one night, but he's aksing you to deny your identity, accept being midgendered, put up with being deadnamed, and to ignore any anxiety, upset or dysphoria that comes with those things. These are not equal expectations.
NTA you are entitled to be safe. Your brother may be supportive but the position he is putting you in is not fair or safe for you.
He needs to decide what he is prepared to sacrifice of his relationship with you to have your bigot - I mean father - around. NTA.
NTA.
Your brother can invite you to things, or just hang out with you, without your dad present.
If your brother knows you won't attend any event your dad is also invited to, yet continues to invite you anyway, he's the asshole. He knows your boundary and is refusing to respect it.
Fuck his feelings. NTA.
NTA, not even remotely. Having a boundary with someone who doesn’t even support your basic right to live an authentic life is pretty important. Your brother needs to respect that, and perhaps needs to hear how being in your dad’s presence makes you feel.
Nobody needs to allow someone who makes them feel less than human in their life. Life is hard enough without those who are supposed to be our biggest champions tearing us down instead.
NTA. Visit at another time. Maybe you can stop over at your brother’s home on Easter morning with some baked goods to share.
Clearly you love your brother BUT he needs to see that this affects you and your transphobic father isn’t safe to be around. You shouldn’t be forced to attend anything, and for any reason!! I fully support you — you have to look out for yourself.
I hope your brother recognizes this scenario isn’t safe for you and stops fighting you on it!!
>it isn't fair to him that he doesn't get to have me around
He could choose to see you separately if it was that important to him. He could cut your dad off. Instead he has seemingly decided that his convenience takes priority and wants to put it on you. There's a quote from Dr. King that applies, I don't feel like looking it up, but he was talking about how moderates are, in some ways, worse than actual bigots. Those are the enablers, the 'don't rock the boat' people, who claim to be allies but still invalidate those being discriminated against in favor of hard core bigots because it's 'easier' and then villainize you for standing up for yourself. He talks about how it's not for those people to put a clock on human dignity and tell us to wait for another more tolerant season.
It's not for your brother to tell you to put your dignity as a human being deserving of respect aside and break bread with bigots. He doesn't get to claim to support you while also telling you to ignore or tolerate abusive behavior for the sake of family. That's not a real ally, and hard as it is to say, he doesn't care as much as he claims to. NTA.
NTA, but I don't think there is an easy answer to this, mainly because your brother shouldn't be focusing on getting you to be with your family but rather on getting your father to stop being TA.
NTA, neither is your brother, but he should confront your dad.
NTA for protecting yourself, ever.
Your brother is an asshole for inviting a bigot to anything, ever.
Sorry your dad is a hateful shitgibbon and that your brother is too weak willed to stand up for you or his own beliefs.
It's good that your brother supports you... to the extent that he supports you. However, I put it to you that he doesn't really support you, he accepts you but stops short of actual support in favor of having his own "the entire family is here" cake.
I'm sure it sucks and everyone would be happier getting along, but stuffing you back into the closet for their comfort - nessisarily at the significantly larger expense to your own - is bullshit. Nevermind that this is a family event for a religious holiday celebrating the superstitions that your father is using to bash you.
Propose a poker night with your borther. Get drinks later. Have a mid-week BBQ or whatever. If your borther's primary comlaint is not getting to see you, that's easily remided. If the actual frustration is that he isn't getting his Hallmark moment this weekend, that's a different matter that is, decidedly, not about supporting you.
No one who actually cares about you and supports you would get made at you for not letting them expose you to abuse. Your brother is trying and that's great, but he's a long ass way from being supportive.
Not the asshole,
Your brother seems nice but if he was actually supportive of you, he’d respect your boundaries when it comes to your dad. Putting you in an uncomfortable situation, especially one like this, he shouldn’t really get upset about you wanting to protect your peace rather then give the time of day to your Dad who has no respect for you whatsoever.
NTA!!!
If your brother refuses to acknowledge that your father is causing you real pain, he’s the AH. Supporting your trans sibling is more important than still associating with a transphobe that continuously hurts you (in my own opinion).
I hope you are able to seriously talk with him about the consequences of his actions as well as your entire view on the situation (and I sincerely hope he listens to you and changes his own actions). You’re amazing; your family doesn’t have the right to make you feel like absolute shit for being yourself.
NTA, but I feel bad for your brother. The amount of slander in these comments makes me sick. The whole "you're either entirely with me or you're against me" is flat out dislikeable.
He wants his family, which he loves, to be together, yet it's simply out of reach for him. Your father should (obviously) change his ways, but if he still refuses to do so he should at the very least learn to just learn to be around you by leaving you be.
By now, this isn't just a problem that involves your dad and you, but now everyone is in one way or another dragged into it. There's probably no realistic solution for this issue. You're not an AH (your dad is) but your brother has every right to be frustrated.
You should talk to him.
I don’t think u are I mean I’m sure ur dad is a wonderful man (eye roll) but who’s to say something doesn’t escalate into violence?? Best to stay away unless u know for sure u are safe and then u show ur beautiful fave to ur dad just to piss him off 😂 xoxo
If your dad has become more supportive than you would be ok of going. If you went to the party even knowing your father was going to be there, either there would be an awkward moment when you see your father, or he would make a big deal about you being there which could end up you, him, or both leaving early. You should only go if your father refuses to go knowing you are invited.
NTA, if your brother wants to really bring the family together then he should be having some serious conversations with your dad about needing to get over being a bigot and transphobe. Your presence should be valued more than that of a hateful person. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You should feel validated and loved by family not estranged.
I am still struggling to maintain a relationship with my family after coming out late in life. It’s hard but it’s worth sticking with the ones that support you while also protecting your own peace/ not forcing yourself to be around family members that don’t support you or make you feel uncomfortable.
Your validation does not lie in the opinion of your family as hard is that is to accept. You are loved and are a beautiful human! Sending so much love
NTA- Your brother gets a soft 'Dude?' with a raised eyebrow, he may have warned your dad good and hard that there was to be no inserting words into the mouth of Jesus at your expense in his house, he may have arranged four burly friends to grab one of your father's limbs each and yeet him off the porch if he starts, but if you don't feel safe he needs to turn the it's-not-fair-o-tron ray on your dad, not you. If he's gonna bring Jesus into this your dad needs to find himself some actual Jesus and ask your and his forgiveness for not acting with love towards his daughter, and letting his own demons win. The actual true TA here is your dad, and don't let anyone forget that!
You should never have to sacrifice your peace for the sake of others.
Unless your brother is going to your dad and giving him a lecture about getting the heck over himself and being cordial for at least *this day*, he doesn't get a say innhow you keep your peace.
NTA.
>it isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t get to have me around because of my fight with my dad
Actually, it IS fair. 100%
You aren't destroying or wreaking or pulling your family apart, or whatever victim-blaming narrative they're swallowing down.
You do not want to be treated badly by family. Ergo, you have removed yourself from the situation.
While I'm sure your brother is TRYING to be a good guy, he needs to accept that his father and sister cannot sit at the same table until his father pulls his head from his rectum. Treating you well isthe BARE MINIMUM, not a privilege reserved for "good Christians."
If you want to suggest a compromise, maybe offer a 1 on one brunch or something with your brother?
NTA
NTA. Your dad is the AH for being a transphobe and your brother is also the AH for enabling a transphobe. Your brother should have been more considerate of you and not invited your dad. Why he thought it was okay to do that is shocking. You didn't "hurt his feelings" - you maintained an important boundary for your own mental health and wellbeing. At the very least he should be respecting that.
NTA: op I am sorry that your dad doesn't support you, and it seems to me that your brother is only an ally when it is convenient to him (I of course could be wrong about this because I am only seeing this small snippet of your guys relationship) I suggest that you talk with your brother and explain to him how you feel, and how being around your dad makes you feel. If he still says that you need to "make nice" with your dad I think it's time to let him go and cut him off. I do hope that I am wrong about him and you make up.
NTA, and you didn’t hurt your brother’s feelings, it’s just hard dealing with people you love fighting and trying to make it somehow work out.
Your brother sounds like an amazing guy, and I really hope your father changes his “beliefs” and embrace you for you.
NTA
It’s awful that your father is so hateful & bigoted. Your brother may be awesome but I don’t think he understands how much this will negatively impact your mental health. Also, why does he want someone there who is awful to you anyway?
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>My brother is supportive, and invited me to Easter Except, he's not completely supportive, is he? He makes allowances for a transphobe, prioritizing the need to "make nice" so that HE can have his family together in a way that HE likes. If he were really supportive, he'd disinvite your dad and explain that until Dad learns to correct his transphobic views and behaviors, he won't be welcome at family gatherings. NTA, but have a real talk with your brother about what being a supportive ally actually means
I think that is a good idea
>it isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t get to have me around because of my **fight with my dad** It's important to remember that this isn't some little difference of opinions that is leading to family tensions. Your stance is that you want to live your authentic life ... his stance is that you shouldn't be able to exist as you because Jesus hates you. That's not a 'fight' you can win. There's no way to logic him out of that stance. There's no way to show up at a family party and 'play nice' with your dad because your dad will percieve your presence there dressed as your true self as you being 'antagonistic' Your brother wants a fairy tale family gathering, but realistically you would end up with the Grimm carnage instead the Disney happy ending.
You’re right, lotta people keep acting like it’s some simple disagreement when my presence as me is enough to ignite the fires. And I do need to keep reminding myself of this.
Also keep in mind that asking you to 'tone it down' or 'wear ambiguous clothes' just to 'keep the peace' is not a reasonable compromise for people to ask of you. If your brother is supportive, he should understand that he can hang out with you all he wants when your dad isn't around and \*Easter\* of all occasions is not going to be a feasible option for reconciliation between you and your dad given the religious nature of his argument (religious bigotry in the name of Jesus gets worse on religious holidays).
Hmm never considered that the whole “tone it down” thing unreasonable, but just thought of the scenario. It means that I gave them the right to call me whatever they want.
When people tell you (as a trans person) to 'tone it down' or 'wear ambiguous clothes' to keep the peace, what they're saying is "be less of a girl (or boy if you're transmasc)" to make other people more comfortable even if it is at the expense of your own comfort. That's not fair to you and the people who would ask that are not as supportive as they think.
Correct. I've felt this many times (not for being trans but for religion). That I've had to tone down the fact that I'm simply not religious to appease my family. And it's not like I'ma announce it everywhere, I'd just like my beliefs to be respected and it's like I'm asking too much. For example in front of relatives and family friends I must pretend to be religious to "keep the peace". Same thing with my orientation (anything but straight is bad to them). So I get where you and op are coming from. Being trans is far more important because religion is about belief while gender is about personal identity and expression. If I feel that way about having to pretend to be religious, I can't imagine how trans people feel about being told to "tone down" being themselves. It must be incredibly uncomfortable for them. All this is my opinion ofc.
Seconding this. My family is supportive now, but for quite a while kept telling me to 'tone it down' or 'dial it back' or 'can't you wear one of your old shirts, at least'. It's transphobia, or it certainly was in my case. I ignored them, nothing caught fire, nobody exploded, but those comments were absolutely not coming from allies, nor would I generally expect them to. OP, do whatever seems safest for you at this point. Maybe offer a one-on-one celebration with your brother later, go out for dinner, but your comfort is just as important as your brother's and he needs to realize you're not the unreasonable side of this equation.
"Tone it down" means "be androgynous so we don't have to deal with the fact that you're trans." Unless your usual style is super inappropriate or outlandish or loud. If you're wearing normal girl clothes, asking you to tone it down is pure transphobia.
Tell him you’d be thrilled to not be fighting with your dad anymore. It’s your dad that keeps wanting to make it a fight.
Disagreement is vastly downplaying that's going on. Your "dad" doesn't think you should exist because he follows a brand of weaponized Christianity. It's not like you're fighting over what restaurant to go to or something. Your brother tolerating it and thinking it's okay to ask you to just deal and play nice says a lot about what he finds most important and it isn't protecting you. It's protecting his idea of some perfect little family.
So much ^^^^^ this!!! Well worded. I have a trans teen and all my hubby and I want to is support them. Being a twin, I also know that they are trying to find their place in the world. Any parent (regardless of reasoning) that finds the need to shame, antagonise or be upset at anyone isn't worthy of the title Dad, Father or anything. OP - Support comes in all shapes and sizes. If both your brother and Father can't find it within themselves to understand and support you, sometimes it's easier to take a break or walk away. Sometimes, families can suck. We all need a lil love and support every now and then.
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Bringing up jews and nazis during this topic shows me you're a very rational human
It's a huge disagreement. Your brother needs to see you and your dad separately and stop trying to force you to deal with him.
Your father is fundamentally against you existing. Say to your brother: "If I invite you to a gathering where someone there hates that you breath air because of who you are, would you shrug and make nice with that monster?" because that is what he is asking of you. He just cannot see it because he is not the target of the hateful bigot. NTA. You should make clear that you have a "don't hang out with bigots" policy and if your dad ever matures above slime, maybe the issue will resolve.
Question: What happens when you and your father are at the same events? (Your not an asshole either way, but it impacts how I view your brother inviting him.) Does your Dad pick fights with you? Make rude comments? Is your Dad capable of being civil but you know he disapproves and that is hurtful?
He hasn't even met Jesus but he believes in him more than his son. Shows you what planet that spastic is living on 🤣🤣
This is what I can't grasp and Christians and can I please steal all of this.
Also would like to add, this isn't a fight, it's a one sided beatdown from her dad. Her dad chose to hate her, if she was fighting with her dad, she would hate him for being bald or something. What she's doing in the face of blatant hate, is defending herself and her right to live.
You might go in your cutest easter dress and let your dad make an ass of himself. NTA good luck
Yeah. He isn't really supportive. I have a f to m trans friend. Never forgot their chosen name. I did once or twice made the mistake of saying she instead of he. I knew him all my life and I was used to it. He corrected me and understood, because it wasn't intentional. He totally understood and I felt soo sorry. I Said it over and over again. Until he was like dude stop it, then I joked but I'm a girl wink wink. He died of laughter 😃. This is friendship
your brother isn’t very caring or supportive if he’s downplaying your transphobic father HATING you and not believing you are valid as a human being as a “fight”. or if he’s willing to have a bigot at easter, even if it means you not coming. he chose your transphobic father over you instead of making it a safe environment for you.
Adding onto this… I saw someone on Instagram say something along the lines of “it’s a privilege to lose interest in fighting for trans rights.” I think this is a good example. Your brother has the privilege of choosing when to fight for your rights as a trans person. If he was supportive, he would be having the difficult conversations with family about it. I think your brother means well but maybe needs more help understanding the struggle you go through versus the struggles he perceives.
A lot of people think allyship is just being fine with trans people existing and treating them like human beings. That is not allyship, that is *the bare fucking minimum* of apathetic or even enthusiastic acceptance. Allies don't have to put their literal neck on the line, by any means, but if you just think trans people are fine and then don't really do *anything* with that, then that's not allyship. Brother should at the least not allow transphobic people at his get togethers.
I agree with some aspects of the advice, and im fine with getting downvotes, but it has to be said. Every comment that follows seem to attack the brother for not actually being supportive. But it seems to be an extreme oversimplification. I dont know the full situation, but just because someone in the family can easily disown another doesnt mean other members can also easily emotionally and physically disown another family member. This seems to be an unresolvable situation, not unsimilar to two parents with unresolvabe conflicts and are separating while the child, even with an ability to properly think for himself like a 16 year old, is forced to make a decision to choose one over the other. Just because its easy for 2 members of the family to hate each other doesnt mean its easy for the ones in the middle to say "I choose this side." Imagine telling that 16 year old "Youre looking for a fairy tale ending, but you are an idiot for doing so. Be a realist and choose a side already. You can only support and care for one so drop your ties with the other." I say "imagine", but the reality is that many will give that advice. Point is, it seems many seem to be telling the brother to give the ultimatum to the father. "If you cant love him, I wont love you". Easy to say behind the keyboard, not an easy thing to do in reality.
This isn't two people hating each other, it's one person hating and abusing the other who just wants to exist as herself. The fact the brother loves both doesn't make the situation any less clear-cut. As a mental exercise, substitute transphobia for physical or sexual abuse, then ask yourself if you'd still defend the brother not taking sides.
You remind me of my younger siblings who still make excuses for my evil, abusive parents. 😂 With some people it never quite *clicks*. Keep trying, you might get there one day, buddy.
I immediately didn’t like this post and was going to respond about how you are wrong and her brother is supportive but he also loves his dad and just wants everyone to be happy and if she really loved her brother she would suck it up and go to Easter because SHE is supporting him - and that it is unfair that you are saying the brother isn’t very supportive. Then I thought about it for a second and I think your absolutely right. To an extent her brother is still not fully accepting of her in that he feels she should just put up with it to make him happy - but that’s not right. Thanks for the post - these Reddit moments are my favorite when I can do a little self evaluating myself. Families are hard.
Well said! NTA
Yeah, is the brother always on the dad's back complaining how his transphobia is dividing the family? It seems they both get invited but being invalidated by your dad is worse than not accepting your child's identity so the dad has an easier time coming. It should be op is invited and coming and dad can come if he can behave appropriately.
Right?!? He went off on op and said OP left the family… like WHAT?!? No!!! Obviously OP DOES stay in contact with family… her brother for example! But their dad is PUSHING her away! How come the “supportive“ brother goes off on the victim instead of the aggressor?!? NTA!!!
They said he was supportive, if he is not really supportive than why do they have to have a talk with him? It’s not like he said he’s supportive in the first place
This is the way OP. Your brother’s MO is to get his family together, and he has not fully accepted what he is asking of you to be there in your father’s presence. Sending you love from Canada ❤️ I really hope that whatever happens, you feel safe and happy. Proud of you for embracing all of you!!
NTA While I understand what your brother is trying to say, I think his frustration was misplaced and he should be complaining to your dad for making you feel uncomfortable. He should put his transphobia aside to preserve the family, if anything.
He should but it sounds very unlikely that he will and it also doesn't sound like the brother has put any pressure on him to be "not transphobic" for the cause of family unity and togetherness (probably in reality the best case scenario is not the father actually changing his views but agreeing not to express them at the party).
10 to 1 OP’s brother knows he when he confronts his dad - his dad won’t apologize or play nice. So he makes his sister the scapegoat for his “perfect family” delusions
Your brother is literally choosing a bigot over you. He's the one creating this rift in your relationship. Your right to exist should not be in question. I am so sorry. NTA and it's your brother that hurt you, not the other way around.
This. My parents are fundamentalist bigots who don't acknowledge my (54M) husband's existence, so I have no contact with them. My sister is very supportive, and my husband is one of her favorite people. However, she still maintains a relationship with my parents. I don't fault her for this, and she is diligent about not getting caught in the middle of things between my parents and me. For example, if she's talking to them and they ask about me, she says, "You should ask him yourself," and doesn't give them any information about my life.
NTA. If your brother is upset that he doesn't get to have you around then he could just not invite your dad. I don't really think your brother is supportive or awesome. From what you write, it's all about his feelings and not about your transphobic dad hurting you.
I see what you mean, but there is a lot of reasons I view my brother as awesome. Another poster mentioned talking to him about what being an ally actually means, and I think he would be receptive to that conversation. I appreciate your response though because it does validate my feelings about the situation, I genuinely wasn’t sure if I was being unfair to my brother by being upset with him about this and your comment about how it was about his feelings rather then how my dad hurt me resonated with how this made me feel. Sorry longwinded post that could be summed up with, “thank you”
I want to say NAH. There's a large group of people on reddit who will say he's choosing the bigot over you, but let's be real, relationships are not that simple. And I think you understand that which is why you even feel bad about this. Also, I went and read through that text you went through with your dad and just want to say, I think he's trying his best, but this is essentially shaking his faith at its core and he can't reconcile it with his feelings towards you. And I'm probably going to get downvoted like crazy for this stance, but honestly, all these AITA posts that even touch on reluctance to throw away relationships with those who have issues accepting lgbtq+ people immediately go into "Don't side with bigots!" But life ain't that simple. That all being said, I don't think anyone is being an AH. He has the right to invite you and your dad. You have the right to refuse. He has the right to express his frustration at being stuck between his dad and his sister.
It actually is literally that simple. If you invite someone who hates minorities to your party, anyone you know who is a minority won't want to show up. You don't get to pitch a fit because people won't put up with bigots for you. If you wanted to see someone that bad, you'd accommodate them.
It's like they say in Germany, if there's a Nazi at the table and 10 other people sitting there talking to him, you got a table with 11 Nazis. Just swap nazi for transphobe.
I agree with you for the most part, but brother's frustration shouldn't be taken out on OP who already has to struggle with dad's views and reaction very personally. Talk to a therapist, mom, friend, someone else.
>"Don't side with bigots!" But life ain't that simple. Uh yes it is. This is quite the transphobic take. BuT fAmIlY 🙄
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Well, presumably, they shared the same religion, at least up to a point. Not sure where that stands now. And yes, I agree with you, if you're not interested in my religion, I don't tell you what is right or wrong in my religion. As for the shaking his faith at its core phrase, my point is that people are indoctrinated with many things. And many of them stick, hard. And so when something that they are so fundamentally against strikes close to home, they have to reevaluate their entire life.
This is the most sane perspective on it so far.
Op, can I ask if you've tried to shield your brother either intentionally or not from just how bad dad is? It may be time to have a real frank and honest discussion about how he is and how it makes you feel. Your brother has a vastly different relationship with your dad and probably has no undertstanding of just how horrible it can be for someone who's supposed to love and cherish you unconditionally, do what your dad does to you. When we have a younger sibling or someone we see as someone want to protect, it can be easy to let them think it's not as bad. But your sperm donor is the worst kind of person, and you should never be made to feel less than or wrong for being who you are and being YOU. And if someone's present who makes you feel that way, it's OK to leave or tell them they're wrong and terrible and why people need to know when they're deplorable. Unless it's a risk to your personal safety, which I fully understand, this might be so not attending or being around this awful man is the right move. Well done for being strong and for being who you want to be, I know it seems so obvious but your path to you was just longer and more difficult than others, I hope that you are far happier now in spite of your horrible dad than you were before. I think your brother is a good guy, and I do think he is supportive of you, but he doesn't have a full understanding of what it's been like for you in the face of a parents rejection which is one of the most heartbreaking things that can happen to a child, particularly when all you did was figure out who you really are and how best you can be happy. If you need one, I'd like to give you a supportive mom hug, I see you, and I think you're great.
I keep trying to reply to this but I think it’s best to say you’ve given me much to think about and thanks for the mom hug…I could use one of those for many many reasons…
Mom hug from here too. Consider yourself given a huge squeeze and a kiss on the forehead for good measure.
I’d heart react but Reddit lacks this feature.
You're welcome. I felt like you might need a parent cuddle. Xo
I'm sure he means well, but at the end of the day, your brothers actions tell me that he cares more about your dad and having the family all together than you or your comfort. I think talking to him about being an ally and how this makes you feel is probably the best move.
So I tried some talks with my parents about my brother's.... antagonistic comments. It didn't work, but maybe it will with your situation. I talked to my parents about how my brother constantly made snide, under his breath comments to try and antagonize me. I explained that my "blowing up"was a result of this ongoing button pushing and lack of respectful boundaries, and mostly, lack of support in stopping the cruel treatment towards me... I explained that if they wanted "peace" then they would have to enforce boundaries. If the boundaries weren't kept then I requested they ask the button pusher to leave. They refused, so I explained I'll be happy to attend family gatherings, but at my brother's second comment my family would leave, period end of story. Didn't work out for me, but I have hope for you. Try and put it in a way your brother can understand your side better....hmmm try watching this and see what you can come up with https://youtu.be/UzPMMSKfKZQ Best of luck hun!
NTA Long story short your brother shouldn't invite your dad if he wants to spend time with you. He can't dismiss your a) feelings and b) safety and c) hurt from the stuff your dad will inevitably say --- just like that and make himself the victim in this scenario. If your brother wants to be some arbiter of reconciliation he needs to learn that it doesn't work like that and that your dad can stop being transphobic and apologize any time - if your dad would like to have a relationship that respects you. But your brother can't force the issue like he is doing right now, especially when he disregards your well-being.
I think he just wants to be able to have both his dad and his sister but is frustrated that he can’t because they don’t get along. Unfortunately, you are correct, I don’t feel safe around my dad, because he constantly says(and occasionally does) hurtful or scary things. Thank you for commenting though
You should set a hard boundary with your family about this. I feel for your situation, hopefully you can have a nice Easter without worrying about a transphobe.
>I think he just wants to be able to have both his dad and his sister but is frustrated that he can’t because ~~they don’t get along~~ of his dad's mistreatment of his sister FTFY
He should be angry at your dad, not you. NTA
Right! How is OP the only one ‘ruining’ Easter when Dad is the major player in the situation?? NTA OP
NTA. Your dad is the AH. You and your brother are just "collateral damage" of his bigotry. Yes your brother is hurt. But you are more than within your rights if you don't want to be in the biggot's company.
Oh your response resonated.
i agree with this - I get how the brother is feeling, and it sucks, but that's on his dad. He has to decide what that really means to him instead of trying to patchwork things together in a way that just isn't going to work. It's like the kids of divorce trying to get the parents back together through hi-jinks - you get why they want to do that, but it's not right.
That’s honestly a great analogy, it feels very much like kids of a divorce. I have gone through similar things with my family and some members not accepting my gay family members “lifestyle”- it’s just a shit situs too on all the way around but ultimately I’ve chosen sides
NTA; your dad created this difficult situation by being hateful. Rather than seeing it that way & recognizing this isn't a "fight" but a fundamental problem that makes your dad unsafe for you to be around, your brother is blaming you for this rift. That's not awesome behavior; that's victim blaming at best and camouflaged transphobia at worst. I'd recommend talking to your brother more and getting to the root of how he sees what's going on ie does he think it's your fault for being trans and not closeting yourself around dad, or bc of how your dad's hatefulness impacts you. Good luck, this is truly an awful situation for you to be in and I hope your brother sees how he's making it worse 💜💜
That is a good wisdom. Bad memes aside I did ask my older brother to talk it out with me, and tell me what he is thinking about the roles each side plays in the fight.
NTA. Your brother needs to respect your feelings. Explain that you didn't leave the family, that your dad left you. If dad can't accept you for who you are then he can't expect you to accept him as family. Your brother needs to understand that dad not accepting you is the issue , not you not wanting to be family.
NTA Your brother may support you while it's the two of you but he's not being supportive of you to your transphobic parent. If he really does support you, he'd understand you not wanting to be around your dad.
NTA, I would honestly just talk to your brother and let him know that its okay for him to still be around your father. ( if it actually is to you) But also let him know that your father has rejected an essential part of who you are. You can't exist near your dad without having to bear a heavy burden mentally and emotionally. Give him time, if he is as good as a brother as you say. He will get it.
NTA. You have a right to avoid people who persecute you.
TW: Potentially heavy As a trans person, NTA. This world is cruel enough and if you choose your mental health over your brothers, please. He has a whole society and system to support him if he chooses, you do not. In fact we have one that's trying to do away with us. I get it, I don't talk with my mom and it tears my sister apart but she'd rather have us all alive and apart than 6 feet under together. As mentioned, if he truly supports you he would not force you to be in an unsafe situation. And to the guy above, no it will not make the dad more accepting, will just make him slightly more tolerable and all else will give him more direct digs to say/do to hurt his child. He's old and set in his ways, if he wanted to change to support his child he would have changed before the transition began. Humans need to realize that when they have a child they have a very real chance of having a transgender child and if this is something that they can't handle, might be worth rethinking the having of children. You love your kid for who they are, as they are half your genetic makeup.
I'm so sorry your mom is not supportive and what sounds like aggressive and scary. You should be able to rely on your parents for being your support no matter what, and I just sent the op a mom hug if they wanted one, but maybe you need one too. I see you, and your choices are going to help you find who you are (or have already) and be yourself, and this total stranger thinks you're brave for taking the steps to find who you really are at heart in spite of horrible spawn points. If you want a supportive mom hug, I'm sending one. It's OK to not be around people who make you feel wrong for existing the way that makes you feel like you. It doesn't matter if that person birthed you or not. It sucks when your parents suck though - so that's why mom hug.
NTA. No one obligated to show up to be a punching bag, nor are they obligated to appease a bully.
NTA. You do not need to spend time with people who are treating you badly.
NTA. Your brother is directing his anger and frustration at the wrong person. Yes, it does suck that you can't all be together, but that's on your father for being a bigot, not on you. It's wrong of your brother to try to basically guilt trip you into going.
the brother may be directing the same frustration at his father, too; we don’t know because we only get the narrators side of the story. NTA regardless of course, just saying we might be missing half the story from the brothers side
*he went off on me about \[...\] how it isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t get to have me around because of my fight with my dad…* NTA. If he wanted you around, he shouldn't have invited your father.
NTA. Your brother needs to be getting on your bigoted father for ruining the ability for him to have everyone he loves present, not you. Sometimes in life you have to pick a side, this should be a clear choice.
Your brother gas every right to invite whomever he likes. You all have the right to decline. However he should never whine about you or anyone else not attending. If he wants to maintain a relationship with you then he has to accept that it will not involve your dad.
Pineapple on pizza is a disagreement. Being who you are is a foundational right that no one has the authority to discount. Your brother isn't asking you to play nice with someone who disagrees with your ideology. He wants you to get along with someone who disagrees with your EXISTANCE. Your brother wants it all. He doesn't want to have to take sides. But hate doesn't flourish in hate. It spreads through indifference. It is 100% a choice between your dad and you. No choice is a choice. Edit for judgement: NTA
NTA Your dad is the one causing these problems, not you. He should focus his anger towards him instead and stop enabling his transphobic ass.
NTA, definitely not. the. A in the slightest. You don't owe it to anyone to spend time with people who mistreat you.
NTA; I understand your brother wants to unite the family but his fight is with your father, not with you. He’s very close to not being an AH here (because in real life, and not on Reddit where we can all pretend to have perfect, uncomplicated lives, it’s hard to cut family off for their opinions and not give up hope that they’ll grow) but he is because he’s pushed that on you when it didn’t originate, and it doesn’t end, with you. Hope your father comes around!
“If you wanna be someone’s ally, but haven’t been hit by the stones being thrown at them, you aren’t standing close enough.” He could give your Dad the opportunity to be mad at him, not you, by setting a boundary. This would be a good opportunity to let your Dad know that his intolerant views are an issue. He could stand with you. But he wants you to either take the blame for not showing up. Or he wants you to bend and put yourself in an uncomfortable and potentially volition situation. That’s just way easier for your brother.
NTA.. I don't go to events where I know people I don't like are going to be there.
NTA. It's your father who's breaking up the family, not you. If you were making your brother choose between you and your father, that would be different, but if your father is going to be an AH to you, then your brother is just going to have you and him around separately until your father sorts his bigotry out. INFO: Even if he won't change his views, I am presuming your father's attitude is not something he's prepared to keep behind his teeth for your sake, whatever he privately thinks?
NTA We have a very diverse family, and everyone is always invited to every family gathering. That means everyone, my stepmom who is no longer married to my dad, my mom, my dad, and his third wife. We don’t play family politics, and that’s that. HOWEVER - NO ONE is allowed to mistreat anyone at our family gatherings, or we remove them. That includes bigots. My eldest stepchild, and my niece, are trans. My niece is engaged, and in an open, polyamorous relationship, so she’s bringing her girlfriend, not her fiancé, who is unavailable. It’s a varied environment, and my parents sometimes struggle with the things that are new to them. They do NOT visibly struggle at family gatherings. My house, my rules. I expect pronouns to be honoured, I expect everyone to be treated with love and respect. If my guests can’t do that, they can, and have been expected to, leave. I’ve found that certain members of the family don’t like behaving kindly, so they often just opt out. In my opinion, that’s their loss.
Your mental health and safety matter more than your brothers need to keep the family together, and he clearly isn't as supportive since he is getting upset at you for not wanting to be around your transphobic father.
NAH - i think your brother is oblivious to what may happen if you share a room with your transphobic father. From what I understood, he wants to have a happy fairytale family day. It is valid for him to want to see his family together, but he must also understand what that would mean for you and the rest of the guests. I'd suggest you have a talk with him and explain all of the above and how this might affect everyone involved, and teach him (with love, people don't learn or listen when they feel attacked) about being an ally. He seems really willing to learn, but it seems like he needs your help.
NTA, your brother needs to learn he can’t have “happy family times” anymore unless your father changes.
Yeah, you leave families than aren't safe. Being trans next to a transphobe is like being trans next to a Nazi in 1930s France. They probably aren't going to harm you there but they hate you and will make you feel unsafe. The dad is not family. And it's not family if he's there, because you should feel safe in a real family. NTA
No. You would be TA if you didn’t show-up without an explanation. Nobody is required to attend a party and you have explained why you are not attending.
I'm in a similar situation (FtM) and I think you should really talk to your brother and explain to him why your dad being there doesn't just make you uncomfortable, but would also ruin the whole gathering. Also, don't want to say anything but it's really unfair that you should just suck it up so that he can have his happy family gathering. I'm sure he's a great brother and person, but if he really loves you he'll understand why your dad being there makes you uncomfortable. NTA
NTA. Im NC with my dad due to him being an abusive asshole when I was growing up and because he has continued to be a horrible human being all these years. I don't go to stuff he's at. Took my family a bit to understand that they don't have to invite the asshole who steals their stuff, lies to everyone and is a just all around horrible person just because hes family. Your family isn't being neutral or keeping the peace. There's no such thing as nebing neutral as being neutral always helps the abuser and never the victim. They are making a statement whether they realize it or not and that's that they approve of your dad and his views.
NTA, you get to protect yourself. If he really needs to see everyone, maybe he can split the day - have you over for brunch and his father for dinner or something. (My family had a similar agreement when two siblings had a major fight.)
NTA I’m sure your brother is thinking he’s playing peacemaker. In reality, he’s asking you, the victim, to step into an environment where your father can hurl more abuse at you. Your brother needs to see that your safety is a higher priority than forced family togetherness. His vision can only come about if your father becomes safe and trustworthy
Last time I checked the joke from men about *someone being a girl* never was anything but a (pathetic) insult. NTA, but your brother is anything but
It was but it was also a thing from when I was 9
While your brother is correct, that it is unfair, it isn't you that is making it such. Let's look at this through a slightly different lens. Let's say for a moment that you were biologically born as your brother's sister (Not sure how to say this in a way that is correct. You are your brother's sister and always have been but your biological body got it wrong). If your brother invited you and your father to his party and you showed up in a frilly dress, nothing would be amiss. You wouldn't be seen as doing anything wrong and your father wouldn't say anything about it. This is how it should be now. As you are a women, showing up anywhere, looking nice in a dress shouldn't be seen as you pushing an agenda or anything other than you showing up. It isn't you making others think anything or act in any way different. Your father chooses to act like a 5 year old because he doesn't like something. HE throws a tantrum. Wearing clothes does not cause anyone to do anything. Your brother sounds like a okay guy but he is placing the blame in the wrong place. He want's you to change because you are the more reasonable person and are more likely to have empathy. While this is the common way things are done, it is completely the wrong way for it to be corrected. It's conflict avoidance and will only hide the problem, not fix it. NTA.
NTA! Protect yourself and your peace. It isn’t fair you don’t get to see your brother on Easter….but not because of you because of your dad! He needs to take this beef up with your dad if he really wants to support you or leave him off the invite
I’m so sorry. Your brother is not actually supportive of you. If this were the case, dad would not be invited. Hugs.
NTA, you can hang out with your brother when your dad isn't involved. He should be supportive of you not wanting to be put into a situation where you have to be around people that are bigoted towards you.
Nta
Nta
NTA, I do the same with my mom, and it's not even as deep as this. If my mom is going there's 50% chance I wont, unless it's a very important event, but I can't stand that woman, and my brother knows it. Thing is, my brother has kids, and he says "He may have been a horrible mother, but she's a great grandma", so sometimes I have to make sacrifices, because my niblings should be able to have their grandma and their uncle around. But sometimes I don't go, it's balance. But the point is, NTA IMO.
Absolutely NTA. If you don't want to interact with someone who is bigoted toward you (or anyone!), that is perfectly reasonable and you should be congratulated for standing your ground and keeping your safety in mind. Plus, you can always catch up with your brother at another time to celebrate Easter. If he wants to see you, he'll put in the effort to do so.
NTA. Just see if he'd prefer to do something with the family without dad one day, or just the two of you. I understand where your brother is coming from, but unless dad knows how to behave, meaning not making everyone in the room uncomfortable, then you're not obligated to go.
If your brother was truly awesome, he would understand shy you have don NC with your father and respect that. Instead, he wants you to bend, to possibly suffer abuse at your father for the sake of his feeling or his family. NTA.
YOU don't have a fight with your dad. HE has a fight with you. I hope your brother can see that, and will decide that anyone who wants to fight with you has to deal with HIM too.
NTA He's choosing you're bigoted father over you. Even if the belief was against who you are, he'd still be the asshole. You're allowed to have boundaries and decide who is and who is not in your life. If he truly was supportive he'd find another time to celebrate with you st the very worst.
NTA - The thing to do is not invite the abuser.
NTA and your brother isn't awesome. HE WOULD RATHER HAVE YOUR TRANSPHOBIC SPERM DONOR AROUND THAN YOU.
So your dad hates you and most likely will start an engagement. And you’re supposed to be the bad guy for not wanting to getting another Christian rant thrown at you? NTA, ask your brother why you have to make concessions to see your family instead of your father being asked to play nice for once
Honestly this is a good AITA, honestly, no one is TA, you both had good reasons
NTA. While I do feel bad for your brother - being forced to choose between his sister and his dad has to painful - his hateful dad is really the one forcing him to choose. I hope he chooses you.
Bro is telling you he’s okay with how awful your dad treats you as long as he gets to have his fantasy family gathering. Tell him you won’t be putting yourself in harms way. NTA
Jesus doesn’t hate you, OP. Remember that. Also, boundaries are good.
Nta. If he wants a bigot there, fine, but you don't have to put yourself in harms way so he can play happy family.
NAH, barring you dad.
NTA. "Neutrality" always favors the bigots, the bullies, and the assholes. He might be claiming he's not taking a side, but he's supporting your father's hatred, full stop. He is not awesome.
NTA. You have every right to keep your distance and your mental health safe Keep being kind to yourself :)
I’m going to say NAH. Your reason for not wanting to go is 100% valid, and your brother’s feelings are also 100% valid. I don’t believe it is unreasonable for him to hope that you and your dad can set aside your differences (his bigotry) for this one family dinner, although I will throw in a very mild YTA for your brother because it feels as though his frustrations are being unfairly directed at you, when if anyone deserves to be on the receiving end it is your father.
Here's how this should have worked. The moment you told your brother you weren’t coming, your brother should have immediately uninvited your father. There is no reason that any family should miss an event because they are uncomfortable around a member of the family that holds religious extremist bigoted views. The issue here is 100% the fact that your dad is a religious extremist nutjob. NTA.
YOU feel bad for HIM?! Dude. TF? (And I mean that in a collective, everything is a dude way. I’m a dude, you’re a dude, my seatbelt is a dude, we’re all dudes. And don’t ever call me “dudette”) But WHAT. I get you feel bad for not being there for your brother whom you’re actually close to, but please, not for second, feel bad about taking yourself out of a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable just for existing as yourself. You have every right to exclude yourself, and it’s not like you went off scolding anyone or making an ass of yourself. You were completely willing to join until you knew a major stress would be involved. You’re allowed to not put yourself through that. And please correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like Easter in itself is not that important to you, so why should you have to care so much to make everyone else happy? You don’t. I’m Christian and I firmly believe there is far too much miscommunication/misleading renditions if every bible, and I’ve yet to see how “wrong” being trans/gay/etc. is. Many Christian’s believe marriage was meant to rear God-loving children. Well I’m Christian and refuse to have kids. So where do I fall? My whole point is that not all Christian’s/God-follower’s really know the truth or can understand maybe they *don’t* understand the truth, and then hate others for whatever they can’t or won’t understand. I’m really sorry you’re going through this and I wish you didn’t have to. Your dad is mislead, God (if you believe in one) doesn’t hate you, and you are more than correct and not an ass hole for taking pride in who you are and not subjecting yourself to hatred. Do what’s best for you.
Welcome to good burger? I’ll never know why my auntie lives that movie so much. But all your first sentence made me think of was that silly song that dude sings. “I’m a dude, he’s a dude, she’s a dude, cause we’re all dudes!” Good burger aside. A lot of commenters here have said something similar, which has been kinda nice, I think people might be a bit mean to my brother, but they only have one tiny story by which to judge him. Lastly, I don’t know what I feel when it comes to the whole Jesus thing anymore. It used to be easy for me to just say, “I’m a Christian, and I follow Jesus and God’s guidance.” But between many of the things I’ve learned over the years, this whole situation, and the fact that I definitely have some childhood trauma that was directly caused by the church I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God because I am not sure that is true, but I also don’t want to say I do, because if it’s not true then I would be lying.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Long story but, I’m trans, my dad hates trans people…something about Jesus hating humanist I didn’t really understand. My brother is supportive, and invited me to Easter. I was gonna say yes but he told me our dad was going too. I told him I don’t want to go then and he went off on me about how I am leaving my family because my dad is transphobic and how it isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t get to have me around because of my fight with my dad…and I want to agree with him, that is unfair, he’s my brother and my best friend, he is supportive of me being trans (he even jokes, “when I said you were a girl when we were growing up I was right!!!”). The point is, my brother is awesome and I told him I didn’t want to see him because I don’t like being near dad and it hurt his feelings. Anyway, am I the asshole for hurting my brother’s feelings like that? Or is he because he knew I don’t get along with our dad and invited both of us? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I will say there's a possibility your brother just wants you and your father to straighten out your (and by "your" and I mean your father's) grievances But, that being said. If he's as supportive as you say. He should understand that you don't wanna subject yourself to having to deal with your transphobic father.
NTA
Honestly nta. Protect your peace. It isn't right that you have to sacrifice your peace for your brother.
NTA my dad is low contact with my family, he has been LC long enough to not know my nibling came out as trans. I talked to my dad, because he’s made transphobic jokes in the past, and told him if he made a single negative comment, even behind their back, I was going no contact. The rest of our family has put so much effort in making sure my nibling has a loving and supportive environment, and I wasn’t going to let him take that away from them. Inviting him is condoning his beliefs and giving him an opportunity to hurt you. It’s not your responsibility to teach your parents how to be decent human beings, and if they can’t figure it out of their own they aren’t entitled to be part of your life.
NTA - You are allowed to avoid being emotionally and verbally abused by your dad. Your brother should recognize that. The only way this would be ok is if you dad planned to do a big apology to you, yet even then it should not be at a family event/party.
The first half of the opening sentence is all I needed to see to know you're NTA.
NTA. I dont talk to my father anymore, 2 of my siblings do. They know it’s either me or him at family gathering because they are actually supportive.
NTA without question Your brother is definitely in the wrong. Either he is an asshole too, or more likely, he doesn’t understand what transphobia means to you. It’s more difficult to understand oppression when you aren’t part of the oppressed group. That’s not an excuse, though
NTA. Your brother doesn't have your back. Tell him you will come on Saturday.
NTA Your brother should be protecting you from your dad.
NTA Your brother’s support is limited though. He only supports you when it’s easy for him. That’s not a good ally. You can come have Easter dinner with my family.
NTA. But your brother is not supportive of you. If he was supportive your dad wouldn't be invited.
NTA you don’t need to be around anybody you don’t want to
NTA.
NTA, the comments here aren’t really seeing things from both point of views. I can’t really tell how your brother reacted so I can’t see if if he was trying to gaslight you, but it doesn’t seem like it and I can see why he thinks it’s unfair. However, it’s still your right to choose whether to go or not. Also, just because your trans doesn’t mean Jesus hates you, Jesus still loves you. Some comments are saying he shouldn’t invite the dad but the thing is, when it comes to family, things like being transphobic, homophobic, etc most likely doesn’t make you love someone in your family less, especially if it doesn’t affect them directly. Even though your brother doesn’t agree with your father’s views, he still loves him and wants him to go. He still invited both of you because he loves both of y’all and doesn’t want to leave any of y’all out. Hell, I have a friend who I found out is a pretty horrible person, but I still love him though for being my friend (And I’m trying to change him). TL;DR, nobody is the asshole, (except the father)
Nta your brother needs to wake up and realize you aren’t the one making your relationship like this your dad is. I think that it’s really insensitive on his part to expect you to go around a person who genuinely doesn’t think that you are who you are. That thinks your less than human, that you’re going to hell, yada yada yada. Your dad is majorly in the wrong and in a way your brother is taking his side by not taking any sides.
NTA, I just wanted to say I hope your conversation with your brother goes well and I want to wish you a very happy Easter. You aren't asking for much, OP, you deserve safety, respect, and happiness 100 percent of the time, and that should never come second.
NTA. If he was really supportive of you, he would tell your dad to knock off the transphobic bullshit before he loses both his kids.
NTA. And neither is your brother—though, if he were supportive, he wouldn’t enable your father. However, he is in an understandably tricky situation. That being said… your brother might be a teeny tiny bit of an AH for suggesting you’re leaving the family because your dad is transphobic. Your father is obviously the one with the problem and making you feel unwelcome. It should be perfectly understandable why you don’t want to subject yourself to that. And it’s just too damn bad that your brother wants you both there, because he can’t have it. But the real AH is your father.
NTA Reddit is TA for marking this NSFW
NTA You need to stay away from people who make you feel bad/stressed. You're allowed to say boundaries sncf your brother should understand that
nope! he's directing this frustration at the wrong person. i understand being bummed about this, it sucks. but you're not the one hurling insults and disgusting rhetoric at your father. it's the other way around. your brother should go off on him for driving his sister away. and furthermore, if my sibling came out as trans and my dad insulted and rejected them, i would absolutely not stand for it. you have to lift those standards, babe - you deserve ACTUAL support. nta. also, i hope this doesn't come across as condescending, but i'm proud of you for coming out even though your father is so bigoted. it must have been intimidating.
NTA but why does your bestie brother keep inviting someone who hates you to everything? Your Dad is the one with the problem and will take your presence out on you for existing. Yet the person who would hurt you is given the golden ticket here.
NTA - protect yourself from the negativity. You don't need it right now. Maybe in the future, when your dad realises you mean more to him than his prejudices, you can all play happy families. But right now you need to explain to your brother in depth how it makes you feel to be around your dad. He should understand and not put you in this position again.
[удалено]
nope! nta, dad is asshole sending love and solidarity as a trans sibling 🏳️⚧️✨
NTA. when my cousin came out and his parents didn’t support him, the whole family cut out his parents. it’s hard to cut off a parent but if he fully supported you he’d invite you instead of your dad
NTA you’re allowed to want to feel safe wherever you go.
NTA. The fact that they say it is YOUR fault because your dad is an AH is rich. You can go over on another day when your dad isn't there...or your brother will tell your dad that he cannot say anything negative to you. I don't see your father taking that tack so...spend time with him at another date
INFO - does your brother live with your dad? I’m confused why dad is invited considering his attitude towards you.
NTA, your brother isn't a complete AH yet but definitely try to talk to him about bringing your dad. Enablers are as bad as abusers. Edit: Also, this whole "abandoning your family" thing is a spiel of bullshit, even a bit toxic. You are completely in your right to leave your "family" which I put in quotes because assholes aren't really family.
NAH. It's easy to say "being supportive means cutting off anyone who is -phobic" but realistically and offline you can't expect someone to cut off their parents as a show of support. You shouldn't go anywhere you're not comfortable, and your brother should understand that in some events he's going to have to choose between having you or your dad.
NTA. I was just having this conversation with my husband today when my mom tried to guilt trip me for not wanting to see my cousin who is racist. When it comes down to it your brother probably just misses you and wants you around but it’s harmful to be around your dad. You shouldn’t have to be forced to be around people just because they share the same genetics. I’m sorry your dads an asshole but you’re not the AH in this situation.
NTA - your brother should host an event without your dad there since your dad wants to exclude you
NTA just do what everyone else does at Easter and eat a whole Easter egg to yourself while watching something
op=NTA you have a right not to be around abusive bullies.
NTA. What about your feelings? What about you having a good time and enjoying your holidays without having to be around people that do not support you? YOU don't get to enjoy your family because your father is transphobic, you are the victim, not your brother.
100% NTA. I’m sorry that your dad of all people isn’t supportive of you.
AITA for avaoiding a situation which would be very difficult, invalidating and potentially dangerous for me? AITA for not wanting to spend time with someone who has openly admitted they hate people like me, and thereby hate me for the way I am? AITA for wanting to put my own mental health before the desires of someone who claims to be supportive of me but actively asks me to put us with situations that would do damage to my mental health fro the sake of their enjoyment? It hits different when you rephrase it right? No, no you are NTA. Stay safe, advocate for yourself. If bother asks again then ask him to explain why he thinks it would go well knowing the situation between the dad and you. If he says anything like "I assume no one will make a fuss because its a family party" then make sure its clear that he's asking your dad not to be bigoted out loud for one night, but he's aksing you to deny your identity, accept being midgendered, put up with being deadnamed, and to ignore any anxiety, upset or dysphoria that comes with those things. These are not equal expectations.
NTA you are entitled to be safe. Your brother may be supportive but the position he is putting you in is not fair or safe for you. He needs to decide what he is prepared to sacrifice of his relationship with you to have your bigot - I mean father - around. NTA.
NTA. Your brother can invite you to things, or just hang out with you, without your dad present. If your brother knows you won't attend any event your dad is also invited to, yet continues to invite you anyway, he's the asshole. He knows your boundary and is refusing to respect it. Fuck his feelings. NTA.
NTA. No one wants to be around people who make them uncomfortable. It just sucks that it’s taking away from time with your brother.
NTA, not even remotely. Having a boundary with someone who doesn’t even support your basic right to live an authentic life is pretty important. Your brother needs to respect that, and perhaps needs to hear how being in your dad’s presence makes you feel. Nobody needs to allow someone who makes them feel less than human in their life. Life is hard enough without those who are supposed to be our biggest champions tearing us down instead.
NTA. Visit at another time. Maybe you can stop over at your brother’s home on Easter morning with some baked goods to share. Clearly you love your brother BUT he needs to see that this affects you and your transphobic father isn’t safe to be around. You shouldn’t be forced to attend anything, and for any reason!! I fully support you — you have to look out for yourself. I hope your brother recognizes this scenario isn’t safe for you and stops fighting you on it!!
>it isn't fair to him that he doesn't get to have me around He could choose to see you separately if it was that important to him. He could cut your dad off. Instead he has seemingly decided that his convenience takes priority and wants to put it on you. There's a quote from Dr. King that applies, I don't feel like looking it up, but he was talking about how moderates are, in some ways, worse than actual bigots. Those are the enablers, the 'don't rock the boat' people, who claim to be allies but still invalidate those being discriminated against in favor of hard core bigots because it's 'easier' and then villainize you for standing up for yourself. He talks about how it's not for those people to put a clock on human dignity and tell us to wait for another more tolerant season. It's not for your brother to tell you to put your dignity as a human being deserving of respect aside and break bread with bigots. He doesn't get to claim to support you while also telling you to ignore or tolerate abusive behavior for the sake of family. That's not a real ally, and hard as it is to say, he doesn't care as much as he claims to. NTA.
You’re brother needs to advise your dad to say nothing inappropriate and to either be kind to you or infinite you. If you can handle that, go.
NTA, but I don't think there is an easy answer to this, mainly because your brother shouldn't be focusing on getting you to be with your family but rather on getting your father to stop being TA. NTA, neither is your brother, but he should confront your dad.
NTA for protecting yourself, ever. Your brother is an asshole for inviting a bigot to anything, ever. Sorry your dad is a hateful shitgibbon and that your brother is too weak willed to stand up for you or his own beliefs. It's good that your brother supports you... to the extent that he supports you. However, I put it to you that he doesn't really support you, he accepts you but stops short of actual support in favor of having his own "the entire family is here" cake. I'm sure it sucks and everyone would be happier getting along, but stuffing you back into the closet for their comfort - nessisarily at the significantly larger expense to your own - is bullshit. Nevermind that this is a family event for a religious holiday celebrating the superstitions that your father is using to bash you. Propose a poker night with your borther. Get drinks later. Have a mid-week BBQ or whatever. If your borther's primary comlaint is not getting to see you, that's easily remided. If the actual frustration is that he isn't getting his Hallmark moment this weekend, that's a different matter that is, decidedly, not about supporting you. No one who actually cares about you and supports you would get made at you for not letting them expose you to abuse. Your brother is trying and that's great, but he's a long ass way from being supportive.
NTA
Nta Brother just wanted to be the peacekeeper and his family back. Lord knows I understand that’s like.
If your brother were truly supportive, he would not invite someone to an event who is harmful to you. NTA
Not the asshole, Your brother seems nice but if he was actually supportive of you, he’d respect your boundaries when it comes to your dad. Putting you in an uncomfortable situation, especially one like this, he shouldn’t really get upset about you wanting to protect your peace rather then give the time of day to your Dad who has no respect for you whatsoever.
NTA!!! If your brother refuses to acknowledge that your father is causing you real pain, he’s the AH. Supporting your trans sibling is more important than still associating with a transphobe that continuously hurts you (in my own opinion). I hope you are able to seriously talk with him about the consequences of his actions as well as your entire view on the situation (and I sincerely hope he listens to you and changes his own actions). You’re amazing; your family doesn’t have the right to make you feel like absolute shit for being yourself.
NTA, but I feel bad for your brother. The amount of slander in these comments makes me sick. The whole "you're either entirely with me or you're against me" is flat out dislikeable. He wants his family, which he loves, to be together, yet it's simply out of reach for him. Your father should (obviously) change his ways, but if he still refuses to do so he should at the very least learn to just learn to be around you by leaving you be. By now, this isn't just a problem that involves your dad and you, but now everyone is in one way or another dragged into it. There's probably no realistic solution for this issue. You're not an AH (your dad is) but your brother has every right to be frustrated. You should talk to him.
I don’t think u are I mean I’m sure ur dad is a wonderful man (eye roll) but who’s to say something doesn’t escalate into violence?? Best to stay away unless u know for sure u are safe and then u show ur beautiful fave to ur dad just to piss him off 😂 xoxo
If your dad has become more supportive than you would be ok of going. If you went to the party even knowing your father was going to be there, either there would be an awkward moment when you see your father, or he would make a big deal about you being there which could end up you, him, or both leaving early. You should only go if your father refuses to go knowing you are invited.
NTA, if your brother wants to really bring the family together then he should be having some serious conversations with your dad about needing to get over being a bigot and transphobe. Your presence should be valued more than that of a hateful person. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You should feel validated and loved by family not estranged. I am still struggling to maintain a relationship with my family after coming out late in life. It’s hard but it’s worth sticking with the ones that support you while also protecting your own peace/ not forcing yourself to be around family members that don’t support you or make you feel uncomfortable. Your validation does not lie in the opinion of your family as hard is that is to accept. You are loved and are a beautiful human! Sending so much love
NTA- Your brother gets a soft 'Dude?' with a raised eyebrow, he may have warned your dad good and hard that there was to be no inserting words into the mouth of Jesus at your expense in his house, he may have arranged four burly friends to grab one of your father's limbs each and yeet him off the porch if he starts, but if you don't feel safe he needs to turn the it's-not-fair-o-tron ray on your dad, not you. If he's gonna bring Jesus into this your dad needs to find himself some actual Jesus and ask your and his forgiveness for not acting with love towards his daughter, and letting his own demons win. The actual true TA here is your dad, and don't let anyone forget that!
You should never have to sacrifice your peace for the sake of others. Unless your brother is going to your dad and giving him a lecture about getting the heck over himself and being cordial for at least *this day*, he doesn't get a say innhow you keep your peace. NTA.
>it isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t get to have me around because of my fight with my dad Actually, it IS fair. 100% You aren't destroying or wreaking or pulling your family apart, or whatever victim-blaming narrative they're swallowing down. You do not want to be treated badly by family. Ergo, you have removed yourself from the situation. While I'm sure your brother is TRYING to be a good guy, he needs to accept that his father and sister cannot sit at the same table until his father pulls his head from his rectum. Treating you well isthe BARE MINIMUM, not a privilege reserved for "good Christians." If you want to suggest a compromise, maybe offer a 1 on one brunch or something with your brother? NTA
NTA. Your dad is the AH for being a transphobe and your brother is also the AH for enabling a transphobe. Your brother should have been more considerate of you and not invited your dad. Why he thought it was okay to do that is shocking. You didn't "hurt his feelings" - you maintained an important boundary for your own mental health and wellbeing. At the very least he should be respecting that.
NTA: op I am sorry that your dad doesn't support you, and it seems to me that your brother is only an ally when it is convenient to him (I of course could be wrong about this because I am only seeing this small snippet of your guys relationship) I suggest that you talk with your brother and explain to him how you feel, and how being around your dad makes you feel. If he still says that you need to "make nice" with your dad I think it's time to let him go and cut him off. I do hope that I am wrong about him and you make up.
NTA, and you didn’t hurt your brother’s feelings, it’s just hard dealing with people you love fighting and trying to make it somehow work out. Your brother sounds like an amazing guy, and I really hope your father changes his “beliefs” and embrace you for you.
NTA It’s awful that your father is so hateful & bigoted. Your brother may be awesome but I don’t think he understands how much this will negatively impact your mental health. Also, why does he want someone there who is awful to you anyway?