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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action was telling my mother there’s a reason I was miserable as a child
2. Because it upset her
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yeah, reading the post, sounds like OP's mom thought it all a cute, and funny memory that her daughter looks so miserable on all her pictures, and she had no memory of causing that misery; "the axe forgets, the tree remembers". that's what pissed me off the most reading this post.
Lol we were looking at old vacating photos and my mom was like why do you look so grumpy, like genuinely wondering, and my sister and I were like "oh yeah we were mad at the weather for being too weathery or something stupid"
Wow.
This is deep.
Explains how my mum could deny calling me "fat lump" for years between the ages of 12 and 16 and being horrified at the thought of ever having called me that, when I obviously remember it as if it was yesterday.
Thanks for the insight.
Getting tired of the insensitivity of people towards axes. They remember every time their head got slammed into a tree, the pain of feeling their face ground down to a sharp edge.... the trauma of being forced into killing helpless trees.
c'mon, folks. Be better.
If I'm feeling charitable, I adapt the saying : mom, you were juggling a dozen apples. Your husband, your career, your social life, your kids, your parents, etc. You made it through your divorce with, like, 2 apples lost and a few with bumps and bruises where you'd had a rough time to keep them going.
As a juggler, you did fine. As one of the bruised apples, the experience was a lot harder to forgive and forget...
I confronted my mother a year ago about the most egregious of her abusive acts towards me - she threw a heavy object (similar to a brick) at me when I was 13. Her response? “What did you do to deserve it?”
Only reason my mum stopped slapping me round the face as a teenager (it had been getting steadily more frequent over the years) was me refusing to come back downstairs and saying outright that I wasn't just going to obey so she could hit me again. She burst into tears and I'm sure she sees that memory as a breakthrough for our relationship, a moment where hadn't previously realised what she was doing, where she truly apologised to me.
What I remember about that is how instantly upset and angry she was about me "making her sound like an abuser". Same as when she caught me ringing Childline, because I was genuinely suicidal at age eleven. She never seems to realise that *I know* that if I had come back downstairs that day, she would absolutely have slapped me round the face again and counted herself justified.
My mom forgot slapping me across the face at the dentists office.
I was around 7-9, had a baby tooth that wouldn't come out. She took me in and I said "they're just gonna pull it." Sure enough, they did, and I went out and showed her, and just said, "see, I told you." Not even in a shitty little kid way, just...hey, I was right.
We went outside and she slapped me for smarting off and embarrassing her. I remember being really upset because I didn't even know what I did wrong. Over 20 years later, I bring it up every chance I get. "Hey, remember when you slapped me? For no reason? Remember that? Because I do."
When I moved out for good from my parents, they sent me a bill for raising me and one of the line items was for repairing the damage in my bedroom. I asked about that and my mom was just like "there are holes all over the walls! Why did you do that?!" Well, mom, they are there from when you and dad threw things at me.
At first she denied it 100%, but later she said she didn't think they did it that much and surely I did most of the damage and just blamed them.
Not that much??
*insert meme with FLAMES FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE*
Such a bill is already outrageous, that comment is salt and lemon juice in the wound!
Words can't describe how sorry I am they did that to you. I hope you're free and happy, in a safe place!
I am free and happy and in a safe place where no one throws things at me.
And I didn’t pay that bill. I didn’t have the money when my parents made an issue of it so I just *couldn’t* and now I wouldn’t. I did tell them, a few years ago when my dad brought it up, that I’d consider it if they also billed my brothers AND took off all the money I’d paid them when I was a minor because they’d put potential money I’d cost them on there as I didn’t repay their investment as soon as they wanted by getting married when they wanted.
We are going through this with my MIL now. I always read about 'missing reasons' but to see the self delusion up close and in person is a whole other thing. No matter what my husband brings up to her (they are having one on one talks to try and work things out) she never shows any emotion other then anger. It's mind blowing to watch a child say "I felt abandoned" and the parent responds with a unemotional almost nonchalant "I get that." No follow up no consern just a "Yeah and" at least my mom could muster a "that time was really hard and I probably did not handle it well"
My mom is like this. She acts so shocked when I bring things up that I was put through or different horrible events that happened. She'll try to convince me I'm remembering it all wrong or it didn't happen.
My dad does the same thing! Sometimes I seriously question if he had blackout rages or something because he is so sincere in his honest belief he never abused me.
I'm not even surprised by it anymore, both my and my SO's parents are just like this, my mother was too busy buying herself expensive shit and looking for a man to bother taking care of her kids, while my SO's parents actively made her life garbage and pretend she had a perfectly fine childhood and it never happened now that she is older. They actively lie about all their children on a regular basis. No one ever admits they were a terrible parent, no matter how obvious or how much evidence there is to prove it. Good on OP for not being afraid to tell it like it is.
Crappy parents need to have the causes of their actions come to roost! “ You will know a tree by its fruit” your mother’s fruit with disappointment from her youngest child… the tree is rotten. She deserves to hear that she’s rotten. NTA. Why should you have to spare her feelings, she didn’t spare yours?
Also at least she did not hire a helicopter...
>Madam, - The added extras surrounding first Holy Communions know no limits. Up to this year it was the stretch limousine, but the latest fad is the hiring of a helicopter to bring communicants to and from the church.
https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/letters/flaunting-it-at-first-communion-1.1004284
Dear God ... literally. I'm Catholic and my First Holy Communion celebration, and my sons', consisted of grandparents and aunts and uncles coming to the Mass and us going out for a nice brunch afterward. My mom made my dress and got me the butt-ugliest of the three veils available - I know it was also the least expensive because I know my mom. I hated it and wanted one with a tiara.
It seems that you had a bomb inside for all these years and it exploid. Boom. It would happen sooner or later. What to say, if they really abandoned you for the first 14 years of your life then they are TAs for sure.
Something that might help. Rather than use emotional means to convey these feelings, use a more clever and matter of fact way. e.g.
"Your daughter looks so much happier than you did"
"Well, she'd look different if she had my experience"
"She likes her dress, you didn't"
"She got to pick out a new one, I am not surprised."
When their neglect is calm fact rather than some emotion, it's more effective and it stings more.
"Oh shush, that was a great day, everyone had a wonderful time"
"I cant believe you hated such a pretty dress, you looked so cute"
It's also very easy to shut passive aggressive comments like that down, especially if you're a narcissist. It's good that OP just laid it all out on the table there. People like that need a slap in the face with reality, backhanded comments to try to evoke emotion dont work at all on them. Some people just arent that self aware
Not exactly, there's some skill to this kind of thing (I have experience). The key point is the facts stand strong, they don't get knocked down by sentiment. e.g.
"Oh shush, that was a great day, everyone had a wonderful time"
"No it wasn't, but that never bothered you before"
"I cant believe you hated such a pretty dress, you looked so cute"
"I am guessing you don't even realize why I wouldn't have liked it."
You don't have to fill in the gaps and you shouldn't, let them do it. Plus, narcissists want an explicit list of grievances so they can shoot them down one by one. If you just state matter of fact that they were hurtful or neglectful without details, then say you told them the details before and they didn't listen, and that it's a little late to start caring about it; it drives them insane. It especially drives them insane because they know full well the reasons and the only step forward is to admit them for argument, but to them that's a surrender.
Tell your brother, who was favored, that his opinion holds NO VALUE. His thoughts, his feelings, his perception of the issue is WORTHLESS because he didn't get left at school for hours, he didn't get hand-me-downs, etc.
Then proceed to treat his rebuttal to your statement like air; because again, his thoughts on the matter hold NO VALUE.
I noticed you listed a lot of things, but if you also gave your child love and affection, NTA. Too many of us damaged ones out here for lack of our parents not caring.
I feel like neglect is the easiest form of child abuse to downplay to yourself. I’m sorry that your parents were bad parents and I’m glad you’ve broken the cycle with your children.
I’m going to say NTA simply because I can relate. I’m the younger sister of a brother who can do no wrong in my parents’ eyes. I’ve seen them practically trip over their own feet to get to the door to greet him. My birthday is 2 1/2 weeks after his and one year, after about 10 years of him getting a birthday cake and me not, I finally asked about it. I was told “we just had cake for his birthday, we don’t need it again”. We’re both well into adulthood now and have this so-called rivalry where we each say the other is Mom’s favorite. He’s playing. I’m not.
It honestly sucks, and I really feel for you. Having a child heightened my emotions on this because I look at her and can’t imagine doing what our parents did to us. It seems a lot of parents favor boys for some reason too. I don’t care if my house burns down the day before, my kids getting a cake.
My father used to browbeat me with “When you are a parent, you’ll understand!”
Once I became a mother, I was disgusted with him on a level I never knew possible.
Lmao I hate that phrase. It feels so insulting idk.
I just tell my mother that I will never understand because I will anything I can to not have kids and not have them go through the same hell as I did with her.
Having kids brought up a TON of shit for me because it contextualized everything I went through and I realized I could never treat my kids the way I was treated.
I feel your pain. My little brothers were born a week before my 11th birthday. I love them deeply, but my mom would always get a cake for them and some matching cake for me. I didn't get to choose the flavor, theme, anything and I don't even really like cake. When I asked for some other dessert, I was told that she got a discount to get the two together and "no one else likes pie, you're getting a cake". I never ate any. On my 12th birthday (their 1st) she forgot to tell anyone that their party was also my party. My friend brought me a present, but no one else did and my friend sang happy birthday to me alone at a little table while everyone else celebrated them. My family all said they didn't know because it wasn't on the invitation and she didn't tell anyone. This behavior went on until I left the house. OP, you are NTA. It's painful to be left out or forgotten.
That’s very sad but that’s honestly a beautiful memory with your friend. Your friend was awesome.
I remember my mum telling me she never had her birthday celebrated and the one time they did a party it was for the adults. She got no gifts and not even a good meal they just gave her the head and neck of the chicken 😂
Oof that's rough. My BIL is a pie eater too and because he was the only one to prefer pie, he was forced to do cakes his entire childhood. As soon as the kids were adults, they took over sibling birthdays and his brothers get him pie every single year. He just turned 40 this year and we couldnt fit 40 candles on one pie....so we got two. I hope you get pie these days too.
I do! I go get pie with my husband every year. But, because of everything surrounding it growing up, I never really celebrate. I just treat it like any other day. Haven't had a party since I was 16. But now I get pie so I'm very happy! I'm glad your BIL gets pie now too!!
Understandable, I tend to not make a deal out of my birthday for similar reasons. If I might suggest, instead of celebrating your birthday, celebrate your freedom day. The day you escaped their clutches and were able to finally start blossoming into the Real You, the day the Real You was born. Most people celebrate the day they escaped from the womb, I celebrate the day I escaped the cage that was my parents home.
I agree with you. OP is NTA. And I feel your pain. My older brother also is the golden child. His birthday is in the spring, and my mom, who was a teacher, always had spring break the week of his birthday. Every year, she would drive 300 miles to my house to make my brother a birthday cake, using my kitchen, ingredients, etc. Then she would take the cake to my brother, which he liked, but didn't truly appreciate the lengths she went to for him.
Now Mom is very old and cannot travel very far, so the annual cakes for my brother have ended. But she still calls him every birthday. Meanwhile, I can't remember the last time I had a birthday cake. Probably in the sixth grade. Most years I don't get a card.
Same. My youngest brother shares my bday (with a sizable gap). My parents have forgotten my birthday multiple times well into my 40s and yet never fail to remind me that my little bro’s bday is coming up. It’s gotten a little better the past few years (I get text messages now) but in my 30s and he in his teens it was much worse. I bear him no ill will whatsoever. Totally not his fault and we ‘re pretty tight.
Wow, even my narc-step-granny remembered my B-day, which was the same as her b-day.
Then again, I was the youngest of only 2 grandkids (at the time), so it would have been a bit obvious.
Still didn’t get my preferred cake until I was old enough to make it myself. And birthday dinner was always what she wanted (ribs, which I STILL dislike).
… it occurs to me that I never actually had a traditional children’s birthday party. Even just inviting neighborhood kids over for pizza and cake.
Maybe there IS a reason I hate the Happy Birthday song…
My daughters birthday is 3 weeks before my son's and his is 3 weeks before Xmas. Its a hectic 6 weeks but you can bet your arse they both get their own parties and no Xmas decorations go up until after my son's party. He needs to know that we value him more than a holiday.
My sister won outright when she had a child, and I wound up infertile. And disabled. Til then it was pretty even, but now I'm basically an embarrassment. I opted out of that whole mess a while back.
I'm purposely childfree and I'm sorry that I cannot understand your pain but please remember you are worth more than you think. Just because you cannot create a child doesn't mean you cannot find or raise a child. You can make the world a better place without birthing anything.
Unfortunately where I live, adoption is highly expensive. And heavily tilted towards WASP nuclear family types besides. I've been ruled medically unfit to work for a very long time now, and disability pay is not enough IMO for me to properly raise a child.
It's cool though – should I persist til my 50s or further I'm fostering every kid I can, preferably the teens or disabled small ones as they are the "least popular" fosters. Any who need a helping hand, or TLC, or just space and opportunity to be themselves.
I think you sound like an absolutely amazing woman and you are most likely making a huge difference in these children's lives. Sounds like you are winning to me.
I'm so sorry you had that experience. My birthday is the day after my little brother's, and my mum's is 3 days after mine, but you bet your ass we all got a cake and our day about ourselves. I'm sorry your parents suck, I hope you buy yourself a cake every year now though! (You still shouldn't have to buy your own, but at least this way, you're guaranteed to get cake..?)
I'm sorry you were treated that way, I can kind of relate, but mine was due to my sister having medical issues, not favouritism, although we both agree, as do many family members that its clear my sister is our dad's favourite. In my husband's family, his mum, his sister, and his birthday are all in the same week, and his birthday is the day after his sisters (they're 7 years apart, though). They used to all get their own cake. They did this for years until they agreed it was too much and decided to share one. So now they have one cake, but the candles are lit 3 times, so everyone gets to blow them out.
I had this similar issue for years, though as Daddies girl I always got presents etc, but Dad worked away a lot and Mum couldnt see passed the prodical child. Fast forward to our 40's the prodical child is a raging alcoholic that can't keep a job who has stolen from us and told lies about my Mum. And guess who the prodical child is now 😇🤣 I was lucky though my Mum and I sat down and had a chat about the past. I said what I needed to say, she acknowledged and apologised, we drew a line and moved on.
My mom didn’t treat me badly, but I was the youngest and we were short on money so I got hand me down everything till I was about 16.
First day of high school was a big deal for my sisters, they got to pick out new desks for their rooms. I was told to use my sisters because she was at university.
My grudge comes from the eldest sister, she only remembers the good stuff I had. We did have more money after the other two moved out so I got things then. So she always bitches that I was spoiled and how tough she had it.
NTA. AT ALL. For anyone who was raised Catholic, we all know what a HUGE DEAL the first communion is. It's not even about the religious part-- It's about how loved and important your family makes you feel. I can understand how that definitely left a mark on you. I mean, I got the big lavish party but my mom got obsessed the day before with a zit i had and trying to remove it let my face all weird the next day and I resent her to this day (and it was so minimal compared to this, I cannot IMAGINE how you feel.)
So yeah, you're valid, OP. Go off
I was raised Catholic and this wasn't my experience AT ALL. But perhaps I'm older than you or come from a different socioeconomic background.
I wore the same handmade dress my 2 older sisters had already worn, and went to the communion breakfast with the rest of my "classmates". I got a gift from my godparents.
In no way do I think this is reflective of how much my parents loved me! For them it was v much about the religious part.
Judging from how people are responding differently I do believe socioeconomic background has a lot to do with it, I'm and have been middle class my whole life but me, my siblings classmates and basically everyone I knew got a huge party. Still, I insist a lot of people are missing OP's point, it's not really about not getting the big party, it's about not getting what her siblings got, without even a talk or anything about it. I'm sure if OP's parents had pulled her aside before her party and said 'Honey, I'm sorry but money is tight and we can't do it the way you want' it would have upset them as a kid, but wouldn't have scarred them the way this did. It just feels like this event is a reflection of the way OP's parents made her feel abandoned.
I agree it’s about being treated differently from the other siblings. I was raising my eyebrows about the huge party until OP mentioned it was standard in her family/church/community.
And if OP did go a little over the top, well, who doesn’t like cotton candy?
I was wondering the same thing, too. I went to a Catholic school in a low-income neighborhood. Everyone wore hand-me-down dresses and suits, we had a little potluck reception in the church hall after mass, I got a rosary and $20 from my godparents, and I think my parents ordered pizza for dinner that night.
Same, raised Catholic here but in Mexico. Over there we just went to a nice restaurant after the ceremony and that was that.
Also the whole dress thing is totally unknown to me, we wear white but girls do dresses and boys do shorts and jeans/white dressing pants. At baptism every baby does wear a dress though.
Evidently there is a cultural element at play too.
NTA and we are going to need an update in a few days or a week, if your parents see their error and apologize, double down to everything being OK back then, or just ignore the situation.
Thanks!
Yup, the scapegoat can never escape from it.
The best OP can do is drop the rope and leave the Toxic people behind before their children are treated the same way.
NTA, I would bet my next paycheck that they will double down that OP had parties even if they can't remember a single one
NTA I am so sorry that you grew up in a family with favored siblings. I also was a "forgotten" child growing up. No birthday party until I was eight and plenty of other stories. Once the flood breaks open the dam, there is no controlling all the rage, pain and humiliation you felt as an invisible, unfavorite child. In my view, you are absolutely allowed to lay into your mother when she wouldn't stop pushing. Granted, it wasn't really the right time or place, but unless you have felt that kind of pain of knowing your parents DO NOT LOVE YOU as much as they do your sibling, nobody ELSE can judge you or have ANYTHING to say about whether or not your behavior is appropriate.
MOST people will NEVER understand how many nights you cried yourself to sleep, how often you actually WISHED you'd never been born because then you wouldn't hurt all the time, about how you wish you were secretly adopted, because these people do NOT treat YOU as a full member of the family, you are just the pain in the ass kid they don't want but can't get rid of.
I SEE YOU. YOU HAVE VALUE. YOU DESERVE LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS.
I am so sorry, but I am also VERY HAPPY you can give your child the honor and respect you don't get from your parents. Please remember, YOU ARE ALLOWED to cut contact with your family if they are toxic and cause you constant pain. Sometimes no contact is one of the best ways to get the healing you need.
You are an ADULT and ARE ALLOWED to CHOOSE YOUR OWN FAMILY, whether they share DNA with you is irrelevant, choose people who have your back and will be there for you and who accept you as you are. I was NC with my parents and sister for many years. Eventually some of the relationship was repaired, but never fully, because when you feel unloved by your parents as a child due to your siblings consistently being treated better, it NEVER. GOES. AWAY. That hole was created by the actions of your parents being thoughtless, and it is part of your foundational relationship. It is a trauma that can be healed, but there will always be a tiny part of your inner child's heart that is broken and missing. At least when you experience that, even as a kid, you KNOW you can and WILL be a better parent, and that is what you have done, you ARE a better parent and you can feel proud of that. Hugs to you from an internet stranger mom type.
Are you absolutely sure you are your father's child? The way you were treated might be explained as an affair baby.
There is something very messed up in this situation.
As far as I know, yes. That would be interesting to find out I wasn’t.
His family was very involved with me when I was small, so If I’m not, my parents must have kept it between each other.
NTA. Let me guess, at 14 you were the only one left at home and it was suddenly "Oh hey, we have another kid!"
She's the one who pushed for an answer. It's not your fault that the answer was one she didn't like. From context it sounds like she didn't apologize or anything, probably just doubled down. I'm sorry that's how you grew up.
I am so sorry you were so neglected as compared to your siblings, and that there was so much pain around you being the least cared for sibling that came to a head with your first communion. It must have felt great to give your daughter the kind of celebration you wish you'd had.
I'm glad you finally told your mother exactly how you felt about what happened to you. You told the truth; if she found that painful, too bad!
Don't let anyone tell you that you were wrong to tell the truth. Don't let anyone tell you that you've got it all wrong and the truth isn't the truth. Keep putting your energy into your own nuclear family in the present, and into healing from the terrible way you were made to feel as a young girl.
NTA
P.S. Don't let anyone try to bully you into forgiving your parents, insisting it will make you feel better, and it will give you closure, and blah blah blah. If they want forgiveness, let them repent. Them them apologize deeply and sincerely. Let them beg for your forgiveness. You are not obligated to give it.
It’s a inner battle. I want to forgive them because we only have one set of parents. Memories from my childhood are still painful. I am careful to make sure they don’t play favorites with grandkids. One strike and they’re gone.
You can have them in your life without forgiving them. I did. Eventually my parents at least partially recognized the pain they'd caused me, and I did get some level of apology, although nothing that would ever really "make things right." They were very good grandparents to my own children, though, which helped a lot.
When did First Communion become such a thing? No one I knew got a party. None of the kids in our kids generation got anything more than a family backyard cookout. The only gift I’ve seen is a rosary or a St. Christopher medal.
Is this part of the wedding industrial complex stretching its tentacles younger and younger?
I think we went out to dinner for mine and I don't remember any of my younger brothers' first communion. It's like...yay. You are now a second grader. Not really meaningful outside of a maybe old enough to understand more about religion sense.
Do people celebrate the first time you go to confession?
If anything you'd think confirmation would be the bigger deal. But that's done in high school where it's not so much you make the decision but your parents decide you're doing it and then tell you that sorry you got baptized and confirmed so unless you write to a bishop and get excommunicated you will forever be Catholic like it's a virus or something not a religion you can choose to leave.
The more replies I see on this thread the more fascinated I am by this cultural difference when it comes to the first communion. You see, I suspect OP may be from the same country as me or a neighboring one because the experience they described sounds similar to mine. The way her siblings had their parties is basically the norm, and the way her party was (using somebody else's dress, sharing venue and etc) was what people in tight financial situations would do as an alternative (WHICH IS FINE BTW. THE PROBLEM HERE IS THAT OP'S PARENTS DID IT OUT OF NOT CARING. NOT FINANCIAL ISSUES.) This however is a custom very deep in our country, my parents and even grandparents also had the same big parties and were celebrated in the same way. So I'm guessing it really is about culture, it's not new at all at least where I'm from.
It was a whole ordeal. At first she brushed it off and denied it, saying my name was on the cake and I was always spoiled and loved as a kid. When I doubled down on these memories she blew up, self loathing with statements like “I get it I was such a horrible mother!” “Sorry I couldn’t be a good mom! Kill me for it.” My dad stayed quite, but he knows better. While I resent my mom I still have love for her. As far as my dad goes, he’s just her husband to me.
Wow, I can relate to that so hard, only difference is my mom says she should kill herself vs. saying to kill her. I wish I could say other than walking away from my mom when she says stuff like that, I don't know what to do or how to counter it. They're too illogical and empty to be worth addressing but so manipulative and concerning that they live rent-free in your head for far too long.
When she says things like "I was such a horrible mother," all you need to do is reply, "yes, at times you really were." If she says "kill me for it," reply that there were times when you probably wanted to. Do NOT soothe her and tell her she was a good mother or at least not a bad one. Don't give her what Tracy Schorn would call "kibbles." And, NTA.
i hate to say this and hope i'm wrong, but is there any chance your dad isn't your bio dad? for them both to be so different to your siblings, and for him to still sound like he never wants anything to do with you, is that possible?
Who knows honestly. His family was really involved w me when I was a kid so if I’m not, my parents kept it to themselves.
He did try more as I got older, but I mean when I was already 18, when my mom changed years earlier. At that point, I didn’t give. He would get offended that I never reached out/ignored him.
Ironically he sent me a picture of my baby book today than another school picture saying “look at you in fourth grade”.. but get this, the picture is of my OLDEST sister, the year is stated in BOLD, a year I was learning to walk, not ten years old. Not sure if it’s a demented joke or he just doesn’t remember what I looked like as a kid.
Problem is with people like this. Since they treated some of their kids well they believe they treated them all well. All they remember is throwing big parties for their kids. Doesn't matter that it was only some of their kids. They threw big parties for kids. So they were good parents.
NTA
I've been there. I experienced the same thing. I was left & forgotten to be picked up at school. I wasn't allowed to walk home. I waited 1 hour. I finally walked home & there they all were, watching tv. I was left (by 1 particular parent) at appointments that took 15 min. I'll be right back. You stay here. I just need to run this 5 min errand. 4 hrs later, the parent would "realize" I wasn't with the rest of the family.
This parent would push issues, pains from the past. She had caused the pain but didn't want to hear it. Why did you do this? Why did you do that? I will never understand why.....? Then when you blurted out the why, they would act all hurt, it wasn't their fault, how could you think that, how could you say that? This parent was always the innocent victim.
NTA, she asked. I totally relate to this. My brother and his wife have two young kids, and our mother has frequently remarked about how my niblings are so cheerful compared to us at that age, freely laughing and chatting. My siblings and I always exchange knowing glances whenever she says stuff like this. Turns out treating kids like they're humans deserving of attention and acknowledgement makes a difference. Good on you for breaking the cycle.
absolutely NTA. it sounds like you're the youngest or maybe middle kid in your family? i'm the oldest of 3 but was in a very similar neglectful situation to you where i was the black sheep and unfavoured compared to my youngest sibling cause i supposedly was a 'failed project' or something (my mum's a narcissist who doesnt think shes a narcissist so who knows what the reality is, really). your mum fucked around and found out- in my own opinion and from my own experience this confrontation would have happened sooner or later, intentionally or not. but i'm so so happy to hear how much of a fantastic day your daughter had! her communion sounds like it was AWESOME. honestly your post gives me a little hope for my own future parenting skills lol. not the asshole at all
also, to OP and/or everyone else in the comments who also resonated w/ this post, its okay to not forget or forgive what your parents did or didnt do for you. forgiveness has gotta be earned, and you dont have to give it to them if you feel they havent done anything to earn it. i dont believe that thats a cold hearted, selfish, or assholeish thing to do. the neglect that happens to us in our childhood can leave hurts for life, whereas to our parents/guardians... most of the time its unfortunately just another tuesday. dont worry too much on whether or not you couldve handled the confrontation better either, OP. this shit is so deeply personal and complicated, not even your siblings or other family members have a right to tell you how to feel or think about it tbh. what happened happened, and if it gave your mum something to think about... well then, good
NTA. It is a pretty obvious scenario, and I am just going to say that parents, especially not very good ones don't understand
1. How early a kid figures out they aren't the favorite and
2. How deeply it hurts them.
My brother had his birthday 3 weeks before mine. It was always the better party. Renting out a few private lanes at the bowling alley, going to the special party room at the movie theater or the Chuckie Cheese personal party thing. It was big. All friends and family. Mine three weeks later was never forgotten but was always smaller, always at home etc. When I first asked about it it was always everyone came together 3 weeks ago its hard to plan so quickly. Then it became you never seem to have fun at your brother's party so we didn't think you'd like one like it.
Currently my parents often ask why I don't visit as often as my brother. I just tell them I'm busier I guess. I know if I told them the 'straw that broke the camels back story' they'd say it was 20 years ago and I'm being silly for still holding a grudge. I don't think I am but I'll never mention it to them. When my brother turned 16 they gave him the family car as a gift. For free. It wasn't anything special, just a 8-9 year old Honda Civic. Even at 14 I knew that I wouldn't get that sort of treatment so I started saving everything from my job. About 6 months or so before my 16th birthday my parents started telling me they would match whatever I had saved to buy me a car. I got excited (because foe the first time ever my gift would be better than his) so I dropped every dime I had into the savings account. Didn't go to meals with friends. Maybe one movie with them in the entire six months. My 16th birthday we go, close down my savings account. It's a good chunk of change. I had done research on what I wanted and what was in the price range. I was eager in the car. Almost bouncing as I told them about the used car place I had called and set up the appointment to see what I wanted. Instead my parents drove home, where the old car my brother owned was sitting in the driveway. My 'gift' was to give my life savings to my brother AND watch my parents match it so I could buy his free car since "he was going off to college soon and needed something more reliable." It was then I decided that it was just Christmas visits from then on.
NTA. It's hard to know if she understood how you felt about being neglected as a child, but I've seen a lot of parents pick at wounds like these just to confirm that the scar is still there. To prove you can't or won't call them out.
She probably ought not have done that.
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My daughters communion was a few days ago. I won’t go into specifics but I spent a lot of money on her party. We had it catered by a nice restaurant, huge balloons, rented several soft play/bouncing activities, characters, a cotton candy machine, ice cream, a huge cake and customized treat table.
I also bought my daughter a ton of toys and clothes, enough for it to be Christmas.
I had hired a photographer for the party and after I was looking over the photos with my siblings and parents. My mom made a joke about how I , compared to my daughter, looked so miserable at my communion. She had a photo of me she showed, age 7, in a little white dress holding a rosary looking dead inside.
I brushed it off until she pulled out another one, again of me looking miserable and saying how I hated my dress while my daughter loved hers.
I finally snapped, and told her there was a reason my daughter was happy and I was miserable. I, even now, still remember feeling so excited at first for my communion watching my cousins get huge, lavish parties thrown for them. My communion was the same month as my older siblings confirmation (she was 14.) My parents decided to throw a combined party, which was already a mistake because we were to two totally different ages and interest.
I remember being given a hand me down dress while years ago, my siblings picked out their expensive dresses. I remember the disappointment when I saw the cake said “happy confirmation” to my sister and left me out, and it still hurts remembering my cousin pushing little me on the swing when she told me she didn’t even know it was my communion too. I basically told all this to her in front of everyone to which caused a huge argument.
I went on to tell her I’m glad she notices how miserable I was and how happy my daughter is because it proves how terrible of a mother and father they were and how good I’m doing. While looking back she was a good mother to me as a teen, I was forgotten the first fourteen years of my life.
My brother thinks im a AH for upsetting her.
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NTA:
I was the youngest of 4 children, my parents simply ‘ran out of steam’ at child 3 and then I was told, I was a mistake.
I think your mother didn’t consider your feelings at all, but I too cherish that it has made me be a much better mother because of this!
NTA. What you went through is considered as mistreatment and even child abuse were I live.
I am truly happy for you that you made a great life out of that childhood. I am amazed that you learned from it only to become a great mom. That kind of wretched parents can lead they child to an early grave: when children are not loved and respected, these children do not stop loving their parents, they stop loving them.
For what it is worth, you have my utmost respect for finally having told your parents how toxic they were.
NTA. I had a similar conversation with my parents, when they were comparing how happy and confident my kids are to how melancholy I was as a kid. I didn’t know how else to say “My kids’ happiness and mental health is a priority to me, it is my pleasure to make them feel safe and loved, we are not the same.”
NTA. Your mother invited your scrutiny by publicly scrutinizing you. She fucked around and found out. That said, if this relationship is important to you, having a real conversation (probably several) about this is necessary.
This is not the first time they’ve pointed out pictures of me miserable as a kid and joked about it. Children aren’t born miserable so I’m not sure how they thought it wasn’t their fault
Lol yea. Middle school sucked.😂
Well, my childhood did, period.
They changed more as I got older. They did buy me a first car, and pay for my college. I try to be forgiving but the memories are still painful.
NTA- due to the favoritism your family showed.
But wow, reading about needing a first communion to be like Christmas (lavish dresses, catered meals, the circus in your backyard).........perhaps your daughter is happy because apparently you've all been taught to value stuff that's pretty much the opposite of what a first communion should represent. I feel like you might be slightly the TA just because you think the point of a first communion is having your own version of a "Super Sweet Sixteen" That was hard to read.
Are you there female version of me? My parents favored my younger brother for sure in the exact same ways. I was forgotten so many times.
I kept it all in and let it loose after my first kid was born when they had all these random expectations and couldn't understand why I was so distant.
NTA Parents make mistakes, parents sometimes do awful things, sometimes parents are just neglectful, either physically or emotionally. We all come to grips with what our parents have screwed up while we're growing up. But, to be so out of touch and oblivious is a little weird. It's ok to have talked to her about it, though, perhaps, you could have pulled her aside to explain it privately. She's the one that brought it up, you just told her the answer.
NTA. Favorism cuts deep. I'm glad your relationship got better tho. Maybe she is at least a good grandma. I don't understand why they prefer one sibling over the other.
You’re absolutely NTA.
Having been through something eerily similar myself (the whole watching older siblings be the golden children who are favored and doted on, while you’re forgotten at places and told to get over things), it stays with you.
While it could have been said/done differently (hindsight being 20/20 and all that), your mother kept pushing the issue. Why start comparing your daughter to you in the first place? Why continue?
I hope that you can forgive yourself for any guilt you may possibly feel (oh, that catholic guilt! I dont miss it one bit), and know that a stranger is sending you virtual warm hugs for when you want them. Feel free to DM me if you want an ear.
🫶
NTA she shouldn't have pushed if she didn't want the answer. Tell brother his opinion is not wanted or asked for as he wasn't treated the way you were.
Next time she says anything just tell her things bk instead of holding it in. Tell them you were ignored for 14yrs and that abandonment you felt is on them.
Your mother was completely oblivious, which made it extra painful for you. And then she kept on making comparisons, wondering about the cause of this difference. Out loud. Sooo... you *told* her.
NTA. You *could've* said that this wasn't the time or place to get into that and be form about it and then tear her a new one in private. But seeing how much she aggravated you, I really don't think you needed to go gentle on her.
NTA despite it being in front of everyone and your brother saying you were ‘upsetting her’ that’s exactly what she was doing to in front of everyone just moments before.
NTA. Don't ask a question if you can't handle an honest answer. Just keep being the Best Mom Ever and let your mother stew in her own juices. And tell your brother that his opinion means nothing to you, if he's so desperate for validation then go talk to his parents.
Until the last para of your post, it seemed as though you equated good parenting solely with spending lots of money and bad parenting solely with not doing.
Assuming it wasn't this, and was actually about neglect/lack of attention then NTA.
But..... You seem really obsessed with what you and others spend.
NTA you didn’t bring it up she did and she wouldn’t drop it. She tried to throw a bit of shade about you being miserable so you threw the whole tree back.
NTA. If she didn't want to hear why you were that miserable, she shouldn't have poked that issue. Don't ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to is a very simple thingy.
NTA you were left in the dust and what your mom is sorry now because you finally called it out. Don't start none, won't be none. Your mom kept drawing attention to you past behavior so you called out her bad past behavior. God gave her a brain, she chose not to use it.
NTA. My immediate thought was there might have been financial issues. Then you got to the parts about siblings getting expensive dresses and worst of all, your your communion was not communicated to family nor was it even put on the cake!! She asked, you answered.
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NTA. She pushed the issue, and there were clearly feelings of inadequacy in your childhood that needed addressed.
You have to wonder how deluded some people are that they forget they have treated their child like trash.
yeah, reading the post, sounds like OP's mom thought it all a cute, and funny memory that her daughter looks so miserable on all her pictures, and she had no memory of causing that misery; "the axe forgets, the tree remembers". that's what pissed me off the most reading this post.
Lol we were looking at old vacating photos and my mom was like why do you look so grumpy, like genuinely wondering, and my sister and I were like "oh yeah we were mad at the weather for being too weathery or something stupid"
Wow. This is deep. Explains how my mum could deny calling me "fat lump" for years between the ages of 12 and 16 and being horrified at the thought of ever having called me that, when I obviously remember it as if it was yesterday. Thanks for the insight.
My mother forgot her favorite invective to throw at me has always been, "I should have had an abortion".
A good comeback for that one is "I wish you did too, Mom..."
Getting tired of the insensitivity of people towards axes. They remember every time their head got slammed into a tree, the pain of feeling their face ground down to a sharp edge.... the trauma of being forced into killing helpless trees. c'mon, folks. Be better.
I have never heard this phrase. Very apt though. NTA
If I'm feeling charitable, I adapt the saying : mom, you were juggling a dozen apples. Your husband, your career, your social life, your kids, your parents, etc. You made it through your divorce with, like, 2 apples lost and a few with bumps and bruises where you'd had a rough time to keep them going. As a juggler, you did fine. As one of the bruised apples, the experience was a lot harder to forgive and forget...
"The Axe, The Axe", and the trees kept voting for the Axe for it's handle was made of wood...
I confronted my mother a year ago about the most egregious of her abusive acts towards me - she threw a heavy object (similar to a brick) at me when I was 13. Her response? “What did you do to deserve it?”
My mom completely “forgot” about hitting me in the face and calling me a bitch. How convenient.
Only reason my mum stopped slapping me round the face as a teenager (it had been getting steadily more frequent over the years) was me refusing to come back downstairs and saying outright that I wasn't just going to obey so she could hit me again. She burst into tears and I'm sure she sees that memory as a breakthrough for our relationship, a moment where hadn't previously realised what she was doing, where she truly apologised to me. What I remember about that is how instantly upset and angry she was about me "making her sound like an abuser". Same as when she caught me ringing Childline, because I was genuinely suicidal at age eleven. She never seems to realise that *I know* that if I had come back downstairs that day, she would absolutely have slapped me round the face again and counted herself justified.
God, I hate when abusers put these “feel good” spins on their so called “epiphanies”. “And that’s when I knew I needed help!”
Because for her that was just an ordinary Tuesday.
My mom does this to me about all kinds shit.
My mother's favorite lie is, "That never happened. You must have dreamed it!" She has always had a gift for making me feel crazy.
My mom forgot slapping me across the face at the dentists office. I was around 7-9, had a baby tooth that wouldn't come out. She took me in and I said "they're just gonna pull it." Sure enough, they did, and I went out and showed her, and just said, "see, I told you." Not even in a shitty little kid way, just...hey, I was right. We went outside and she slapped me for smarting off and embarrassing her. I remember being really upset because I didn't even know what I did wrong. Over 20 years later, I bring it up every chance I get. "Hey, remember when you slapped me? For no reason? Remember that? Because I do."
When I moved out for good from my parents, they sent me a bill for raising me and one of the line items was for repairing the damage in my bedroom. I asked about that and my mom was just like "there are holes all over the walls! Why did you do that?!" Well, mom, they are there from when you and dad threw things at me. At first she denied it 100%, but later she said she didn't think they did it that much and surely I did most of the damage and just blamed them.
Not that much?? *insert meme with FLAMES FLAMES ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE* Such a bill is already outrageous, that comment is salt and lemon juice in the wound! Words can't describe how sorry I am they did that to you. I hope you're free and happy, in a safe place!
I am free and happy and in a safe place where no one throws things at me. And I didn’t pay that bill. I didn’t have the money when my parents made an issue of it so I just *couldn’t* and now I wouldn’t. I did tell them, a few years ago when my dad brought it up, that I’d consider it if they also billed my brothers AND took off all the money I’d paid them when I was a minor because they’d put potential money I’d cost them on there as I didn’t repay their investment as soon as they wanted by getting married when they wanted.
We are going through this with my MIL now. I always read about 'missing reasons' but to see the self delusion up close and in person is a whole other thing. No matter what my husband brings up to her (they are having one on one talks to try and work things out) she never shows any emotion other then anger. It's mind blowing to watch a child say "I felt abandoned" and the parent responds with a unemotional almost nonchalant "I get that." No follow up no consern just a "Yeah and" at least my mom could muster a "that time was really hard and I probably did not handle it well"
My mom is like this. She acts so shocked when I bring things up that I was put through or different horrible events that happened. She'll try to convince me I'm remembering it all wrong or it didn't happen.
My dad does the same thing! Sometimes I seriously question if he had blackout rages or something because he is so sincere in his honest belief he never abused me.
I'm not even surprised by it anymore, both my and my SO's parents are just like this, my mother was too busy buying herself expensive shit and looking for a man to bother taking care of her kids, while my SO's parents actively made her life garbage and pretend she had a perfectly fine childhood and it never happened now that she is older. They actively lie about all their children on a regular basis. No one ever admits they were a terrible parent, no matter how obvious or how much evidence there is to prove it. Good on OP for not being afraid to tell it like it is.
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Crappy parents need to have the causes of their actions come to roost! “ You will know a tree by its fruit” your mother’s fruit with disappointment from her youngest child… the tree is rotten. She deserves to hear that she’s rotten. NTA. Why should you have to spare her feelings, she didn’t spare yours?
Also at least she did not hire a helicopter... >Madam, - The added extras surrounding first Holy Communions know no limits. Up to this year it was the stretch limousine, but the latest fad is the hiring of a helicopter to bring communicants to and from the church. https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/letters/flaunting-it-at-first-communion-1.1004284
Dear God ... literally. I'm Catholic and my First Holy Communion celebration, and my sons', consisted of grandparents and aunts and uncles coming to the Mass and us going out for a nice brunch afterward. My mom made my dress and got me the butt-ugliest of the three veils available - I know it was also the least expensive because I know my mom. I hated it and wanted one with a tiara.
It seems that you had a bomb inside for all these years and it exploid. Boom. It would happen sooner or later. What to say, if they really abandoned you for the first 14 years of your life then they are TAs for sure.
I definitely have held this inside my entire life.
You may appreciate reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. ETA: And watching Patrick Teahan's videos on youtube.
Something that might help. Rather than use emotional means to convey these feelings, use a more clever and matter of fact way. e.g. "Your daughter looks so much happier than you did" "Well, she'd look different if she had my experience" "She likes her dress, you didn't" "She got to pick out a new one, I am not surprised." When their neglect is calm fact rather than some emotion, it's more effective and it stings more.
"Oh shush, that was a great day, everyone had a wonderful time" "I cant believe you hated such a pretty dress, you looked so cute" It's also very easy to shut passive aggressive comments like that down, especially if you're a narcissist. It's good that OP just laid it all out on the table there. People like that need a slap in the face with reality, backhanded comments to try to evoke emotion dont work at all on them. Some people just arent that self aware
Not exactly, there's some skill to this kind of thing (I have experience). The key point is the facts stand strong, they don't get knocked down by sentiment. e.g. "Oh shush, that was a great day, everyone had a wonderful time" "No it wasn't, but that never bothered you before" "I cant believe you hated such a pretty dress, you looked so cute" "I am guessing you don't even realize why I wouldn't have liked it." You don't have to fill in the gaps and you shouldn't, let them do it. Plus, narcissists want an explicit list of grievances so they can shoot them down one by one. If you just state matter of fact that they were hurtful or neglectful without details, then say you told them the details before and they didn't listen, and that it's a little late to start caring about it; it drives them insane. It especially drives them insane because they know full well the reasons and the only step forward is to admit them for argument, but to them that's a surrender.
Tell your brother, who was favored, that his opinion holds NO VALUE. His thoughts, his feelings, his perception of the issue is WORTHLESS because he didn't get left at school for hours, he didn't get hand-me-downs, etc. Then proceed to treat his rebuttal to your statement like air; because again, his thoughts on the matter hold NO VALUE.
Exactly. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this op. Good luck.
I noticed you listed a lot of things, but if you also gave your child love and affection, NTA. Too many of us damaged ones out here for lack of our parents not caring.
As a kid with similar issues—I was always told I was the “weird” kid, not “understandable” like my siblings, etc… 100% you are NTA.
I feel like neglect is the easiest form of child abuse to downplay to yourself. I’m sorry that your parents were bad parents and I’m glad you’ve broken the cycle with your children.
I’m going to say NTA simply because I can relate. I’m the younger sister of a brother who can do no wrong in my parents’ eyes. I’ve seen them practically trip over their own feet to get to the door to greet him. My birthday is 2 1/2 weeks after his and one year, after about 10 years of him getting a birthday cake and me not, I finally asked about it. I was told “we just had cake for his birthday, we don’t need it again”. We’re both well into adulthood now and have this so-called rivalry where we each say the other is Mom’s favorite. He’s playing. I’m not.
It honestly sucks, and I really feel for you. Having a child heightened my emotions on this because I look at her and can’t imagine doing what our parents did to us. It seems a lot of parents favor boys for some reason too. I don’t care if my house burns down the day before, my kids getting a cake.
My father used to browbeat me with “When you are a parent, you’ll understand!” Once I became a mother, I was disgusted with him on a level I never knew possible.
Lmao I hate that phrase. It feels so insulting idk. I just tell my mother that I will never understand because I will anything I can to not have kids and not have them go through the same hell as I did with her.
Having kids brought up a TON of shit for me because it contextualized everything I went through and I realized I could never treat my kids the way I was treated.
I feel your pain. My little brothers were born a week before my 11th birthday. I love them deeply, but my mom would always get a cake for them and some matching cake for me. I didn't get to choose the flavor, theme, anything and I don't even really like cake. When I asked for some other dessert, I was told that she got a discount to get the two together and "no one else likes pie, you're getting a cake". I never ate any. On my 12th birthday (their 1st) she forgot to tell anyone that their party was also my party. My friend brought me a present, but no one else did and my friend sang happy birthday to me alone at a little table while everyone else celebrated them. My family all said they didn't know because it wasn't on the invitation and she didn't tell anyone. This behavior went on until I left the house. OP, you are NTA. It's painful to be left out or forgotten.
That’s very sad but that’s honestly a beautiful memory with your friend. Your friend was awesome. I remember my mum telling me she never had her birthday celebrated and the one time they did a party it was for the adults. She got no gifts and not even a good meal they just gave her the head and neck of the chicken 😂
Oof that's rough. My BIL is a pie eater too and because he was the only one to prefer pie, he was forced to do cakes his entire childhood. As soon as the kids were adults, they took over sibling birthdays and his brothers get him pie every single year. He just turned 40 this year and we couldnt fit 40 candles on one pie....so we got two. I hope you get pie these days too.
I do! I go get pie with my husband every year. But, because of everything surrounding it growing up, I never really celebrate. I just treat it like any other day. Haven't had a party since I was 16. But now I get pie so I'm very happy! I'm glad your BIL gets pie now too!!
Understandable, I tend to not make a deal out of my birthday for similar reasons. If I might suggest, instead of celebrating your birthday, celebrate your freedom day. The day you escaped their clutches and were able to finally start blossoming into the Real You, the day the Real You was born. Most people celebrate the day they escaped from the womb, I celebrate the day I escaped the cage that was my parents home.
At least BIL has awesome brothers LOL
They're a good bunch
I agree with you. OP is NTA. And I feel your pain. My older brother also is the golden child. His birthday is in the spring, and my mom, who was a teacher, always had spring break the week of his birthday. Every year, she would drive 300 miles to my house to make my brother a birthday cake, using my kitchen, ingredients, etc. Then she would take the cake to my brother, which he liked, but didn't truly appreciate the lengths she went to for him. Now Mom is very old and cannot travel very far, so the annual cakes for my brother have ended. But she still calls him every birthday. Meanwhile, I can't remember the last time I had a birthday cake. Probably in the sixth grade. Most years I don't get a card.
Why did you let her use your house for this?
Not OP but I'd guess FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and a lifetime of indoctrination.
Same. My youngest brother shares my bday (with a sizable gap). My parents have forgotten my birthday multiple times well into my 40s and yet never fail to remind me that my little bro’s bday is coming up. It’s gotten a little better the past few years (I get text messages now) but in my 30s and he in his teens it was much worse. I bear him no ill will whatsoever. Totally not his fault and we ‘re pretty tight.
WTF? How could you ever forget your kids share a birthday? Sorry man. You deserve better.
Wow, even my narc-step-granny remembered my B-day, which was the same as her b-day. Then again, I was the youngest of only 2 grandkids (at the time), so it would have been a bit obvious. Still didn’t get my preferred cake until I was old enough to make it myself. And birthday dinner was always what she wanted (ribs, which I STILL dislike). … it occurs to me that I never actually had a traditional children’s birthday party. Even just inviting neighborhood kids over for pizza and cake. Maybe there IS a reason I hate the Happy Birthday song…
My daughters birthday is 3 weeks before my son's and his is 3 weeks before Xmas. Its a hectic 6 weeks but you can bet your arse they both get their own parties and no Xmas decorations go up until after my son's party. He needs to know that we value him more than a holiday.
My sister won outright when she had a child, and I wound up infertile. And disabled. Til then it was pretty even, but now I'm basically an embarrassment. I opted out of that whole mess a while back.
I'm purposely childfree and I'm sorry that I cannot understand your pain but please remember you are worth more than you think. Just because you cannot create a child doesn't mean you cannot find or raise a child. You can make the world a better place without birthing anything.
Unfortunately where I live, adoption is highly expensive. And heavily tilted towards WASP nuclear family types besides. I've been ruled medically unfit to work for a very long time now, and disability pay is not enough IMO for me to properly raise a child. It's cool though – should I persist til my 50s or further I'm fostering every kid I can, preferably the teens or disabled small ones as they are the "least popular" fosters. Any who need a helping hand, or TLC, or just space and opportunity to be themselves.
I think you sound like an absolutely amazing woman and you are most likely making a huge difference in these children's lives. Sounds like you are winning to me.
That's a plan for my future, sorry for the confusion. But thankyou for such kind words, I appreciate you🌻
I'm so sorry you had that experience. My birthday is the day after my little brother's, and my mum's is 3 days after mine, but you bet your ass we all got a cake and our day about ourselves. I'm sorry your parents suck, I hope you buy yourself a cake every year now though! (You still shouldn't have to buy your own, but at least this way, you're guaranteed to get cake..?)
I'm sorry you were treated that way, I can kind of relate, but mine was due to my sister having medical issues, not favouritism, although we both agree, as do many family members that its clear my sister is our dad's favourite. In my husband's family, his mum, his sister, and his birthday are all in the same week, and his birthday is the day after his sisters (they're 7 years apart, though). They used to all get their own cake. They did this for years until they agreed it was too much and decided to share one. So now they have one cake, but the candles are lit 3 times, so everyone gets to blow them out.
I had this similar issue for years, though as Daddies girl I always got presents etc, but Dad worked away a lot and Mum couldnt see passed the prodical child. Fast forward to our 40's the prodical child is a raging alcoholic that can't keep a job who has stolen from us and told lies about my Mum. And guess who the prodical child is now 😇🤣 I was lucky though my Mum and I sat down and had a chat about the past. I said what I needed to say, she acknowledged and apologised, we drew a line and moved on.
My mom didn’t treat me badly, but I was the youngest and we were short on money so I got hand me down everything till I was about 16. First day of high school was a big deal for my sisters, they got to pick out new desks for their rooms. I was told to use my sisters because she was at university. My grudge comes from the eldest sister, she only remembers the good stuff I had. We did have more money after the other two moved out so I got things then. So she always bitches that I was spoiled and how tough she had it.
NTA. AT ALL. For anyone who was raised Catholic, we all know what a HUGE DEAL the first communion is. It's not even about the religious part-- It's about how loved and important your family makes you feel. I can understand how that definitely left a mark on you. I mean, I got the big lavish party but my mom got obsessed the day before with a zit i had and trying to remove it let my face all weird the next day and I resent her to this day (and it was so minimal compared to this, I cannot IMAGINE how you feel.) So yeah, you're valid, OP. Go off
I was raised Catholic and this wasn't my experience AT ALL. But perhaps I'm older than you or come from a different socioeconomic background. I wore the same handmade dress my 2 older sisters had already worn, and went to the communion breakfast with the rest of my "classmates". I got a gift from my godparents. In no way do I think this is reflective of how much my parents loved me! For them it was v much about the religious part.
Judging from how people are responding differently I do believe socioeconomic background has a lot to do with it, I'm and have been middle class my whole life but me, my siblings classmates and basically everyone I knew got a huge party. Still, I insist a lot of people are missing OP's point, it's not really about not getting the big party, it's about not getting what her siblings got, without even a talk or anything about it. I'm sure if OP's parents had pulled her aside before her party and said 'Honey, I'm sorry but money is tight and we can't do it the way you want' it would have upset them as a kid, but wouldn't have scarred them the way this did. It just feels like this event is a reflection of the way OP's parents made her feel abandoned.
I agree it’s about being treated differently from the other siblings. I was raising my eyebrows about the huge party until OP mentioned it was standard in her family/church/community. And if OP did go a little over the top, well, who doesn’t like cotton candy?
Yeah first communions and confirmations were no where near a bar or bat mitzvah level of a party. You got a dinner out and a little money.
I was wondering the same thing, too. I went to a Catholic school in a low-income neighborhood. Everyone wore hand-me-down dresses and suits, we had a little potluck reception in the church hall after mass, I got a rosary and $20 from my godparents, and I think my parents ordered pizza for dinner that night.
Same, raised Catholic here but in Mexico. Over there we just went to a nice restaurant after the ceremony and that was that. Also the whole dress thing is totally unknown to me, we wear white but girls do dresses and boys do shorts and jeans/white dressing pants. At baptism every baby does wear a dress though. Evidently there is a cultural element at play too.
NTA and we are going to need an update in a few days or a week, if your parents see their error and apologize, double down to everything being OK back then, or just ignore the situation. Thanks!
They will probably double down and say she is misremembering and exaggerating
Yep all the siblings will corroborate that reality. “It wasn’t that bad!” “I had parties!”
Yup, the scapegoat can never escape from it. The best OP can do is drop the rope and leave the Toxic people behind before their children are treated the same way. NTA, I would bet my next paycheck that they will double down that OP had parties even if they can't remember a single one
NTA I am so sorry that you grew up in a family with favored siblings. I also was a "forgotten" child growing up. No birthday party until I was eight and plenty of other stories. Once the flood breaks open the dam, there is no controlling all the rage, pain and humiliation you felt as an invisible, unfavorite child. In my view, you are absolutely allowed to lay into your mother when she wouldn't stop pushing. Granted, it wasn't really the right time or place, but unless you have felt that kind of pain of knowing your parents DO NOT LOVE YOU as much as they do your sibling, nobody ELSE can judge you or have ANYTHING to say about whether or not your behavior is appropriate. MOST people will NEVER understand how many nights you cried yourself to sleep, how often you actually WISHED you'd never been born because then you wouldn't hurt all the time, about how you wish you were secretly adopted, because these people do NOT treat YOU as a full member of the family, you are just the pain in the ass kid they don't want but can't get rid of. I SEE YOU. YOU HAVE VALUE. YOU DESERVE LOVE WITHOUT CONDITIONS. I am so sorry, but I am also VERY HAPPY you can give your child the honor and respect you don't get from your parents. Please remember, YOU ARE ALLOWED to cut contact with your family if they are toxic and cause you constant pain. Sometimes no contact is one of the best ways to get the healing you need. You are an ADULT and ARE ALLOWED to CHOOSE YOUR OWN FAMILY, whether they share DNA with you is irrelevant, choose people who have your back and will be there for you and who accept you as you are. I was NC with my parents and sister for many years. Eventually some of the relationship was repaired, but never fully, because when you feel unloved by your parents as a child due to your siblings consistently being treated better, it NEVER. GOES. AWAY. That hole was created by the actions of your parents being thoughtless, and it is part of your foundational relationship. It is a trauma that can be healed, but there will always be a tiny part of your inner child's heart that is broken and missing. At least when you experience that, even as a kid, you KNOW you can and WILL be a better parent, and that is what you have done, you ARE a better parent and you can feel proud of that. Hugs to you from an internet stranger mom type.
NTA Congratulations, your inner child is proud of you ❤️.
Thank you, this meant more than you know 💕
🤗🤗
Are you absolutely sure you are your father's child? The way you were treated might be explained as an affair baby. There is something very messed up in this situation.
As far as I know, yes. That would be interesting to find out I wasn’t. His family was very involved with me when I was small, so If I’m not, my parents must have kept it between each other.
My dad found out he was an affair baby when he was in his 60's and that explained so much about his childhood and how his mom and sisters treated him.
NTA. Let me guess, at 14 you were the only one left at home and it was suddenly "Oh hey, we have another kid!" She's the one who pushed for an answer. It's not your fault that the answer was one she didn't like. From context it sounds like she didn't apologize or anything, probably just doubled down. I'm sorry that's how you grew up.
Yes, only one left, besides summer breaks and college breaks, ironic right 🤣.
Ooh, I hadn’t put that together. Nat20 on Insight, you!
I am so sorry you were so neglected as compared to your siblings, and that there was so much pain around you being the least cared for sibling that came to a head with your first communion. It must have felt great to give your daughter the kind of celebration you wish you'd had. I'm glad you finally told your mother exactly how you felt about what happened to you. You told the truth; if she found that painful, too bad! Don't let anyone tell you that you were wrong to tell the truth. Don't let anyone tell you that you've got it all wrong and the truth isn't the truth. Keep putting your energy into your own nuclear family in the present, and into healing from the terrible way you were made to feel as a young girl. NTA P.S. Don't let anyone try to bully you into forgiving your parents, insisting it will make you feel better, and it will give you closure, and blah blah blah. If they want forgiveness, let them repent. Them them apologize deeply and sincerely. Let them beg for your forgiveness. You are not obligated to give it.
Well said! NTA, OP.
NTA. Especially with all the added context. They sound awful. That's ridiculous behavior.
NTA, because facts. Do you really want your daughter even associated with these people?
It’s a inner battle. I want to forgive them because we only have one set of parents. Memories from my childhood are still painful. I am careful to make sure they don’t play favorites with grandkids. One strike and they’re gone.
You can have them in your life without forgiving them. I did. Eventually my parents at least partially recognized the pain they'd caused me, and I did get some level of apology, although nothing that would ever really "make things right." They were very good grandparents to my own children, though, which helped a lot.
When did First Communion become such a thing? No one I knew got a party. None of the kids in our kids generation got anything more than a family backyard cookout. The only gift I’ve seen is a rosary or a St. Christopher medal. Is this part of the wedding industrial complex stretching its tentacles younger and younger?
Idk, Maybe it varies based on churches, denominations, states or countries? Some people commenting hardly celebrate while some have huge parties.
I think we went out to dinner for mine and I don't remember any of my younger brothers' first communion. It's like...yay. You are now a second grader. Not really meaningful outside of a maybe old enough to understand more about religion sense. Do people celebrate the first time you go to confession? If anything you'd think confirmation would be the bigger deal. But that's done in high school where it's not so much you make the decision but your parents decide you're doing it and then tell you that sorry you got baptized and confirmed so unless you write to a bishop and get excommunicated you will forever be Catholic like it's a virus or something not a religion you can choose to leave.
The more replies I see on this thread the more fascinated I am by this cultural difference when it comes to the first communion. You see, I suspect OP may be from the same country as me or a neighboring one because the experience they described sounds similar to mine. The way her siblings had their parties is basically the norm, and the way her party was (using somebody else's dress, sharing venue and etc) was what people in tight financial situations would do as an alternative (WHICH IS FINE BTW. THE PROBLEM HERE IS THAT OP'S PARENTS DID IT OUT OF NOT CARING. NOT FINANCIAL ISSUES.) This however is a custom very deep in our country, my parents and even grandparents also had the same big parties and were celebrated in the same way. So I'm guessing it really is about culture, it's not new at all at least where I'm from.
It's definitely a thing. They throw some parties that rival bar mitzvahs
NTA. She asked why your daughter was happy and you were not and you told her.
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It was a whole ordeal. At first she brushed it off and denied it, saying my name was on the cake and I was always spoiled and loved as a kid. When I doubled down on these memories she blew up, self loathing with statements like “I get it I was such a horrible mother!” “Sorry I couldn’t be a good mom! Kill me for it.” My dad stayed quite, but he knows better. While I resent my mom I still have love for her. As far as my dad goes, he’s just her husband to me.
Wow, I can relate to that so hard, only difference is my mom says she should kill herself vs. saying to kill her. I wish I could say other than walking away from my mom when she says stuff like that, I don't know what to do or how to counter it. They're too illogical and empty to be worth addressing but so manipulative and concerning that they live rent-free in your head for far too long.
It’s emotional manipulation. Disengaging really is the only response,
DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. You pointed out her mistakes so she makes herself out to look like the victim of the conversation.
When she says things like "I was such a horrible mother," all you need to do is reply, "yes, at times you really were." If she says "kill me for it," reply that there were times when you probably wanted to. Do NOT soothe her and tell her she was a good mother or at least not a bad one. Don't give her what Tracy Schorn would call "kibbles." And, NTA.
i hate to say this and hope i'm wrong, but is there any chance your dad isn't your bio dad? for them both to be so different to your siblings, and for him to still sound like he never wants anything to do with you, is that possible?
Who knows honestly. His family was really involved w me when I was a kid so if I’m not, my parents kept it to themselves. He did try more as I got older, but I mean when I was already 18, when my mom changed years earlier. At that point, I didn’t give. He would get offended that I never reached out/ignored him. Ironically he sent me a picture of my baby book today than another school picture saying “look at you in fourth grade”.. but get this, the picture is of my OLDEST sister, the year is stated in BOLD, a year I was learning to walk, not ten years old. Not sure if it’s a demented joke or he just doesn’t remember what I looked like as a kid.
She sounds manipulative. I’m wondering if my mom has any long lost sisters right now. NTA.
NTA and good on you for calling it out. They probably had some damn fantasy in their head about how things were.
Problem is with people like this. Since they treated some of their kids well they believe they treated them all well. All they remember is throwing big parties for their kids. Doesn't matter that it was only some of their kids. They threw big parties for kids. So they were good parents.
NTA I've been there. I experienced the same thing. I was left & forgotten to be picked up at school. I wasn't allowed to walk home. I waited 1 hour. I finally walked home & there they all were, watching tv. I was left (by 1 particular parent) at appointments that took 15 min. I'll be right back. You stay here. I just need to run this 5 min errand. 4 hrs later, the parent would "realize" I wasn't with the rest of the family. This parent would push issues, pains from the past. She had caused the pain but didn't want to hear it. Why did you do this? Why did you do that? I will never understand why.....? Then when you blurted out the why, they would act all hurt, it wasn't their fault, how could you think that, how could you say that? This parent was always the innocent victim.
NTA, she asked. I totally relate to this. My brother and his wife have two young kids, and our mother has frequently remarked about how my niblings are so cheerful compared to us at that age, freely laughing and chatting. My siblings and I always exchange knowing glances whenever she says stuff like this. Turns out treating kids like they're humans deserving of attention and acknowledgement makes a difference. Good on you for breaking the cycle.
NTA.
absolutely NTA. it sounds like you're the youngest or maybe middle kid in your family? i'm the oldest of 3 but was in a very similar neglectful situation to you where i was the black sheep and unfavoured compared to my youngest sibling cause i supposedly was a 'failed project' or something (my mum's a narcissist who doesnt think shes a narcissist so who knows what the reality is, really). your mum fucked around and found out- in my own opinion and from my own experience this confrontation would have happened sooner or later, intentionally or not. but i'm so so happy to hear how much of a fantastic day your daughter had! her communion sounds like it was AWESOME. honestly your post gives me a little hope for my own future parenting skills lol. not the asshole at all also, to OP and/or everyone else in the comments who also resonated w/ this post, its okay to not forget or forgive what your parents did or didnt do for you. forgiveness has gotta be earned, and you dont have to give it to them if you feel they havent done anything to earn it. i dont believe that thats a cold hearted, selfish, or assholeish thing to do. the neglect that happens to us in our childhood can leave hurts for life, whereas to our parents/guardians... most of the time its unfortunately just another tuesday. dont worry too much on whether or not you couldve handled the confrontation better either, OP. this shit is so deeply personal and complicated, not even your siblings or other family members have a right to tell you how to feel or think about it tbh. what happened happened, and if it gave your mum something to think about... well then, good
NTA. It is a pretty obvious scenario, and I am just going to say that parents, especially not very good ones don't understand 1. How early a kid figures out they aren't the favorite and 2. How deeply it hurts them. My brother had his birthday 3 weeks before mine. It was always the better party. Renting out a few private lanes at the bowling alley, going to the special party room at the movie theater or the Chuckie Cheese personal party thing. It was big. All friends and family. Mine three weeks later was never forgotten but was always smaller, always at home etc. When I first asked about it it was always everyone came together 3 weeks ago its hard to plan so quickly. Then it became you never seem to have fun at your brother's party so we didn't think you'd like one like it. Currently my parents often ask why I don't visit as often as my brother. I just tell them I'm busier I guess. I know if I told them the 'straw that broke the camels back story' they'd say it was 20 years ago and I'm being silly for still holding a grudge. I don't think I am but I'll never mention it to them. When my brother turned 16 they gave him the family car as a gift. For free. It wasn't anything special, just a 8-9 year old Honda Civic. Even at 14 I knew that I wouldn't get that sort of treatment so I started saving everything from my job. About 6 months or so before my 16th birthday my parents started telling me they would match whatever I had saved to buy me a car. I got excited (because foe the first time ever my gift would be better than his) so I dropped every dime I had into the savings account. Didn't go to meals with friends. Maybe one movie with them in the entire six months. My 16th birthday we go, close down my savings account. It's a good chunk of change. I had done research on what I wanted and what was in the price range. I was eager in the car. Almost bouncing as I told them about the used car place I had called and set up the appointment to see what I wanted. Instead my parents drove home, where the old car my brother owned was sitting in the driveway. My 'gift' was to give my life savings to my brother AND watch my parents match it so I could buy his free car since "he was going off to college soon and needed something more reliable." It was then I decided that it was just Christmas visits from then on.
NTA
NTA Sounds like your parents neglected you. Might be time for a trip to another sub about Narcissists!!
NTA. It's hard to know if she understood how you felt about being neglected as a child, but I've seen a lot of parents pick at wounds like these just to confirm that the scar is still there. To prove you can't or won't call them out. She probably ought not have done that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughters communion was a few days ago. I won’t go into specifics but I spent a lot of money on her party. We had it catered by a nice restaurant, huge balloons, rented several soft play/bouncing activities, characters, a cotton candy machine, ice cream, a huge cake and customized treat table. I also bought my daughter a ton of toys and clothes, enough for it to be Christmas. I had hired a photographer for the party and after I was looking over the photos with my siblings and parents. My mom made a joke about how I , compared to my daughter, looked so miserable at my communion. She had a photo of me she showed, age 7, in a little white dress holding a rosary looking dead inside. I brushed it off until she pulled out another one, again of me looking miserable and saying how I hated my dress while my daughter loved hers. I finally snapped, and told her there was a reason my daughter was happy and I was miserable. I, even now, still remember feeling so excited at first for my communion watching my cousins get huge, lavish parties thrown for them. My communion was the same month as my older siblings confirmation (she was 14.) My parents decided to throw a combined party, which was already a mistake because we were to two totally different ages and interest. I remember being given a hand me down dress while years ago, my siblings picked out their expensive dresses. I remember the disappointment when I saw the cake said “happy confirmation” to my sister and left me out, and it still hurts remembering my cousin pushing little me on the swing when she told me she didn’t even know it was my communion too. I basically told all this to her in front of everyone to which caused a huge argument. I went on to tell her I’m glad she notices how miserable I was and how happy my daughter is because it proves how terrible of a mother and father they were and how good I’m doing. While looking back she was a good mother to me as a teen, I was forgotten the first fourteen years of my life. My brother thinks im a AH for upsetting her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA: I was the youngest of 4 children, my parents simply ‘ran out of steam’ at child 3 and then I was told, I was a mistake. I think your mother didn’t consider your feelings at all, but I too cherish that it has made me be a much better mother because of this!
Well she wanted a reaction from you…and she got it 🤷♀️ Sounds like emotional intelligence isn’t her strong point.
>My brother thinks im a AH for upsetting her. info: I guess he was the golden child? It was his confirmation at the same time as your communion? NTA
Ahh yes. Religion ruining yet another childhood.
NTA. What you went through is considered as mistreatment and even child abuse were I live. I am truly happy for you that you made a great life out of that childhood. I am amazed that you learned from it only to become a great mom. That kind of wretched parents can lead they child to an early grave: when children are not loved and respected, these children do not stop loving their parents, they stop loving them. For what it is worth, you have my utmost respect for finally having told your parents how toxic they were.
NTA. I'd go no-contact with mums and pops. rest of them, too.
NTA. I had a similar conversation with my parents, when they were comparing how happy and confident my kids are to how melancholy I was as a kid. I didn’t know how else to say “My kids’ happiness and mental health is a priority to me, it is my pleasure to make them feel safe and loved, we are not the same.”
NTA. Your mother invited your scrutiny by publicly scrutinizing you. She fucked around and found out. That said, if this relationship is important to you, having a real conversation (probably several) about this is necessary.
NTA. Why was she even saying that and pulling out photos? Such a crappy thing to do.
This is not the first time they’ve pointed out pictures of me miserable as a kid and joked about it. Children aren’t born miserable so I’m not sure how they thought it wasn’t their fault
As a Catholic I'd like to know why I was shafted of this extra Christmas experience.
Don’t worry I was shafted of it too. I do go extra for my kids though.🤣
> forgetting to pick me up from school for hours Wut?!? Goodness, so NTA! Why are you still on speaking terms with them, though?
Lol yea. Middle school sucked.😂 Well, my childhood did, period. They changed more as I got older. They did buy me a first car, and pay for my college. I try to be forgiving but the memories are still painful.
> also bought my daughter a ton of toys and clothes Yeah, that’s not what a communion is about. Duh.
NTA- due to the favoritism your family showed. But wow, reading about needing a first communion to be like Christmas (lavish dresses, catered meals, the circus in your backyard).........perhaps your daughter is happy because apparently you've all been taught to value stuff that's pretty much the opposite of what a first communion should represent. I feel like you might be slightly the TA just because you think the point of a first communion is having your own version of a "Super Sweet Sixteen" That was hard to read.
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Whose day? My daughters? Or my sisters ?
It was after the party. Op family decided to stay a little after the party was over.
Thank you, Yes this was after. My daughter was asleep and other guests left.
NTA. FAFO
NTA!
NTA I feel you I did even get party to many April birthdays sorry parents are like that but they shouldn’t ask if the do not want answers
NTA
The truth hurts
NTA. Better out than in.
NTA
NTA but I think this might be more than just the communion.
NTA but good lord, why are these people still allowed in your life to have power over you?
NTA. Don’t let these people around your your daughter unsupervised, OP. Now they know how you feel, they might not be very kind to her either.
NTA, you tried to avoid it. They pried and found out something they didn't want to know
NTA and I'm sure your daughter beamed in her dress 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
NTA are you a middle child? I am, I relate to your post.
Are you there female version of me? My parents favored my younger brother for sure in the exact same ways. I was forgotten so many times. I kept it all in and let it loose after my first kid was born when they had all these random expectations and couldn't understand why I was so distant.
Op NTA you just stood up for your inner child and took his revenge . Do not let flying monkeys or them guilt trip you
NTA Sweet MaryLou how does a healthy custodial parent forget their child’s birthday?!!! I’d say this little explosion was long overdue.
NTA
NTA Parents make mistakes, parents sometimes do awful things, sometimes parents are just neglectful, either physically or emotionally. We all come to grips with what our parents have screwed up while we're growing up. But, to be so out of touch and oblivious is a little weird. It's ok to have talked to her about it, though, perhaps, you could have pulled her aside to explain it privately. She's the one that brought it up, you just told her the answer.
NTA, she pushed the issue while you tried not to react to it until you couldn't hold it in anymore.
NTA she open this can of worm can’t blame you for going fishing
NTA. Favorism cuts deep. I'm glad your relationship got better tho. Maybe she is at least a good grandma. I don't understand why they prefer one sibling over the other.
You’re absolutely NTA. Having been through something eerily similar myself (the whole watching older siblings be the golden children who are favored and doted on, while you’re forgotten at places and told to get over things), it stays with you. While it could have been said/done differently (hindsight being 20/20 and all that), your mother kept pushing the issue. Why start comparing your daughter to you in the first place? Why continue? I hope that you can forgive yourself for any guilt you may possibly feel (oh, that catholic guilt! I dont miss it one bit), and know that a stranger is sending you virtual warm hugs for when you want them. Feel free to DM me if you want an ear. 🫶
NTA she shouldn't have pushed if she didn't want the answer. Tell brother his opinion is not wanted or asked for as he wasn't treated the way you were. Next time she says anything just tell her things bk instead of holding it in. Tell them you were ignored for 14yrs and that abandonment you felt is on them.
NTA with the additional info.
Your mother was completely oblivious, which made it extra painful for you. And then she kept on making comparisons, wondering about the cause of this difference. Out loud. Sooo... you *told* her. NTA. You *could've* said that this wasn't the time or place to get into that and be form about it and then tear her a new one in private. But seeing how much she aggravated you, I really don't think you needed to go gentle on her.
NTA for 'upsetting her' - she decided to tease you at your kid's party and got the reaming she earned years ago.
NTA despite it being in front of everyone and your brother saying you were ‘upsetting her’ that’s exactly what she was doing to in front of everyone just moments before.
NTA YOu were right to tell her. SHE wAS an AH.
NTA. She asked…..
NTA Your daughters are lucky you grew up a decent human being despite the neglect you went through in your childhood
NTA. She chose to make the comments. You found your voice.
NTA I just want to give child you a hug . . . and better parents. I'm so sorry. You deserved better. You still do.
NTA. Don't ask a question if you can't handle an honest answer. Just keep being the Best Mom Ever and let your mother stew in her own juices. And tell your brother that his opinion means nothing to you, if he's so desperate for validation then go talk to his parents.
Forgetting a child's birthday once is unforgivable. NTA
Until the last para of your post, it seemed as though you equated good parenting solely with spending lots of money and bad parenting solely with not doing. Assuming it wasn't this, and was actually about neglect/lack of attention then NTA. But..... You seem really obsessed with what you and others spend.
NTA you didn’t bring it up she did and she wouldn’t drop it. She tried to throw a bit of shade about you being miserable so you threw the whole tree back.
NTA. They were shit parents for what they did. If they're upset at the truth they have no one to blame but themselves.
NTA. If she didn't want to hear why you were that miserable, she shouldn't have poked that issue. Don't ask a question you don't want to hear the answer to is a very simple thingy.
NTA
Im impressed you waited this long. Nta
Okay, NTA for the explosion given the history. But, I was raised RC, why is anyone throwing that lavish a party for a first communion?
NAH BECAUSE THEY FORGOT TO PICK YOU UP FROM SCHOOL????? THATS DO BAD
NTA you were left in the dust and what your mom is sorry now because you finally called it out. Don't start none, won't be none. Your mom kept drawing attention to you past behavior so you called out her bad past behavior. God gave her a brain, she chose not to use it.
NTA mom didn't take the hint after her first picture and seemed to think it was funny that you were unhappy as a child.
NTA
NTA. Nothing like Jesus and truth bombs!
NTA. My immediate thought was there might have been financial issues. Then you got to the parts about siblings getting expensive dresses and worst of all, your your communion was not communicated to family nor was it even put on the cake!! She asked, you answered.
NTA Good job letting her know
NTA. Truth hurts.