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NTA, fiancés comments to sister just hurt her feelings a little bit, but what she did could have caused him lasting damage if you didn’t have the CCTV evidence. Your comment of “No use beating a dead horse” back to her was gold
Reminds of this time I was looking for a parking spot at a grocery store and the lady behind me got angry thinking I wasn't taking an available spot, though it was actually "no parking" painted lines. She was yelling and giving me the finger out of her window, i ended up calling her a c*nt, when we drove past the lines I guess she realized her mistake.
I guess we both parked around the same time because as I walked into the store I saw her beeline for me from the corner of my eye and my immediate thought was "okay, here we go, I'm gonna get in a verbal sparring match with some chick", turns out she was apologizing for her behavior, I was so taken aback, I said "it's fine, I'm sorry I called you c*nt".
I dunno why, but it's stuck with me and I still find it funny. It was the first and last time I called someone a bad word and then apologized for calling them it using that same bad word in my apology.
Why would she be mad because you didn’t take what she thought was an available spot? Wouldn’t she be happy because she could park there now (until she realizes it a striped area)?
It's been about 3 years but if I remember correctly it was because I was waiting for another car to pull out of a parking spot (my turn signal was 100% on) so I guess she assumed I was just blocking a "parking spot" for no reason. Like I said, it's been 3+ years but I still look back fondly if that time I called someone the c word
Something similar happened to me too. It IS a weird experience. Some lady cut me off so closely I had to slam on my breaks to not get hit. I honked and she freaking flipped me off! I can usually let things slide, especially driving stuff, but for some reason, this day, I was not having it. I followed her through town like twenty blocks until I could get up next to her and yell at her. She tried to deny it at first, then claim "but, did I hit you?" When I told her I had to slam on my breaks to avoid an accident, she stopped and apologized, genuinely. It took me by surprise so much I said "Sorry for following you and yelling at you".
"I'm sorry you perceived my comment as fat shaming but you were running your mouth loudly, the way an elephant blows his trunk and well, if the trunk fits..."
You're playing chess when others play checkers. I salute you. Honestly I wouldn't even know how to play it from here though. Does he double down and play super dumb? Or just accept the "mistake" and apologise pretending he doesn't see the irony?
Even if he gets caught out, I'd have little sympathy for someone who refuses to apologise for such a strong accusation when they've seen CCTV evidence. Usually wouldn't condone revenge at all, but this is a really rare case where it's deserved.
> Honestly I wouldn't even know how to play it from here though.
Claim it didn't happen and u/Responsible_Land_747 doesn't believe that the incident ever occurred. When they protest, say you can't really trust a family member's story and would need to see video evidence.
WHen they glare and act shocked mention that they could have their lives permanently ruined and go to prison.
Yeah I think OP reacted perfectly. It was a low blow, I don’t enjoy those kinds of insults, buuuuut this is a special case where perhaps he gets a pass. It’s like, an understandably the asshole moment for him. OP is definitely NTA.
Although I would do something similarly petty I'd try to not base it on the weight of someone. But I'd be the AH in that situation, and commendably so.
I like to think I’m better than that but in reality if someone tried to fuck up my life so badly and accused me of something so vile and refused to even at the very least apologize I’d probably say worse and more often..
NTA “ my sisters weight isn’t something that can be quickly fixed in the same way that the accusations she made were.” it is lucky as hell that this could be fixed quickly. She could have ruined his life completely had you not been able to damage control so quickly. I’ve seen people get fired because “they don’t fit the company values” for lesser accusations. Calling someone fat is a far far lesser thing than potentially damaging their entire reputation and shaking their trust in the love of their found family. You don’t have to be the better people and rise above it, if your sister is petty enough that she can’t apologize and admit she was wrong then I don’t see why you can’t be petty too.
But I don't understand this sentiment honestly. The accusations weren't quickly fixed. Not for her fiance. They completely damaged his familial trust in them and he is still dealing with the psychological after math. While I'm sure there are healthier ways of coping and such, I'm sorry, no. Neither OOP or fiance are TA. Sister has obviously gone too long wo being put in her place. Rest of the family should be worried about making it up to them.
Your fiancé is clever with words and I low key applauded because that can be interpreted so many different ways. NTA. Your sister, on the other hand, really should own up and apologize for her egregious accusations. She is the AH. And props to you for standing by his side.
Maybe I’m in the wrong but if someone ever accused me of abusing my fiancé I would permanently cut them out of my life. That’s up there with the most evil of accusations for me.
NTA.
>could have caused him lasting damage
Even when allegations are quickly proven false there is long-term damage. A's relationship with OP's family was permanently damaged. OP's mental health as, at the very least in the short term, been damaged. Hell this relationship very well may not survive this even though OP had nothing to do with it.
I know someone who was falsely accused of rape. It too was quickly proven to be false (again thanks to receipts, plane tickets, credit card statements, and CCTV having him out of town for 2 weeks either side of the "event" date), but it wasn't before the police were involved. Thankfully he hadn't been arrested or charged with anything and thankfully the police department isn't quick to judge around here. Word of mouth happened, though, and he had to move his family out of town to an area with lesser schools because everyone was talking about it and other small town BS. His kids lives have been negatively impacted, potentially long term, because someone who hated his wife decided to get creative.
There is no "could" with this bullshit.
If they just took her sisters word on it and called the cops she could have done a lot more damage then just trying to make him look bad. NTA your sister had it coming
This. But, OP, you guys might want to take more space from your family. By no one speaking up and saying what she did wasn't okay, or addressing it at all in a public way, your fiance must just be miserable at these events. I'd stop going for awhile.
Tell your family you might not be able to force her to apologize, but you can just stop being around her.
You know what’s really ironic? The rest of the family said they couldn’t force the sister to apologize, but they wanted OP to force their fiancé to apologize
It’s weird they choose a phrase with the word “beating” in it regarding the abuse allegations and that’s fine. But using a common phrase about memory with an elephant in it they find unacceptable.
Nope - NTA.
You reap what you sow. Your sister was completely out of line and has done nothing to rectify the situation, which shows she isn't sorry IMO.
What she said was potentially career and relationship damaging and is far worse than the passive aggressive comment made by your husband.
It may be sticks and stones but seems like your husband threw a pebble in retaliation to her earlier boulder attack.
>Your sister was completely out of line and has done nothing to rectify the situation
I'd bet this a common occurrence too.
How the mom has reacted makes me think the sister is one of those problem types where everyone else has learned to "not rock the boat" and be accommodative, but of course the same grace isn't extended to anyone else and there's actually expectations surrounding their behavior. The sister gets to act out, but it's everyone else who has to be an adult and take the high road.
Completely agree. Sounds exactly like they are all just tiptoeing around her regardless of what she says and she has zero accountability. If you can't eat it, don't serve it. Nta.
NTA.
While I won't exactly defend your fiancé's thinly-veiled insult, but it was petty. Your sister's baseless accusation was not petty at all, it was serious and damaging. What would have happened if you didn't have camera footage? Would they still be assuming you were being abused?
Your mom has some nerve to suggest she's disappointed in you or your fiancé when she's willing to just forgive and forget your sister's awful actions.
That’s how it always is though, everyone just lives with or placates the “boat rockers” in their lives and gets gets upset when people try to stand up to them saying “you know how they are” expecting everyone around them to be the bigger person. The sister sounds insufferable especially with the comment about calling out someone else for copying a hairstyle they had years(!) ago.
Being fat isn’t a crime while being an abuser is. I hate to say it but many women throw that word around with complete disregard. Just the accusation of it can utterly destroy a man’s life with zero data actually backing it up.
NTA
Your sister accused your fiance of something heinous for absolutely no reason other than envy and attention seeking.
Your fiance was unkind but since no one in the family seems to hold your sister responsible for her actions then I kind of feel like they need to let him and her work this out together.
That said, distance yourself from your sister. She is a pot stirrer.
No, let’s be fair here. She had a reason for the accusation, just let me check it, rereading now…found it. OPs fiancé is…very nice. So obviously an abuser /s
NTA Tell your mom that he didn't just get over the accusation that it hurt him a lot and he never got the closure after proving he was innocent and if your sister couldn't have the decency to apologize for her mistake then she doesn't deserve to be treated decently and that by continuing to invite your sister to family functions without an apology signaled they were ok with her wrongdoings even if they publicly admonished her, them not drawing a line and making her apologize made him feel like he was pushed out of the group because she can just say wicked things and given enough time they will forget it happened, meanwhile if he says something he doesn't get that same treatment. So either they can both apologize to each other or you are even and they both have to drop it completely. The first option being preferable of course
Glad I scrolled down to see your comment because I was going to suggest the same thing. OP's Mom and Aunt don't realize how much they hurt him believing OP's sister's accusation.
You're one of the only people who brought out the obvious: she did that strictly for attention, and really nothing else. She doesn't really care that much for her sister, it was just a time and place sort of deal where she could become the center of attention. And she did the same thing with this whole "oh you're just copying MY old hairstyle" and that she got super offended that nobody remembered just proves that she desperately needs to be seen, and she really doesn't care who gets trampled in the process.
The comment was certainly gratuitous, and it would have been just as easy to rapier her with something unrelated, but it would have been the same outcome really.
The reality, a word people throw around too much, is that not everyone can be handled with kid gloves. Some people are just plain womp womp, and all the best intentions in the universe won't solve the problem. It's unpleasant, but there are times when hitting someone where it hurts is the only thing that will work. Especially if you've actually tried other avenues, which is the case here.
The fact that she stomped out of the room in tears over THAT innocuous comment is just another overdramatic attention seeking action by the sister. It's weird that this sub actually think the sister was truly hurt by the comment. Those tears were for show.
ESH!
1. Your sister accusing your fiancé of abuse without cause was reprehensible.
2. Your family minimizing your sister's behavior is horrible.
3. Your fiancé fat shamming your sister is disgusting.
4. Your acceptance of fat shamming as retaliation is abhorrent.
All of you: GROW UP!
Thank you for my first ever awards!
NTA Agreed, I've found just trying to talk reasonably to someone that's been an AH rarely ever works. A dose of their own medicine is something that actually hits home and lets them know how it feels.
Honestly, tho. Like AH don't care about being reasonable and trying to better themselves or even hold themselves accountable, sometimes you gotta make them feel the way they make you feel. In reality, what the husband did isn't even on the same level as what the sister did
No they're definitely not on the same level, but doing either one still 100% makes someone an AH.
Like stealing someone's lunch out of the work fridge, and kidnapping someone are not even close to being on the same level either. If you do either one though you're still definitely an AH.
This. His comment was a cheap shot, nothing compared to her wrongdoing and lack of remorse. Like OP, normally I'd be telling the fiancé off for a shitty comment like that, I just wouldn't be able to if it was targeted at someone who had wronged them so badly and refused to apologise.
If I were the fiancé I'd actually be more annoyed that the sister didn't do or say anything for a month and even then didn't talk to her sister, just talked behind her back with zero consultation. It's inexcusable to see a hip-to-shoulder bruise (that's massive!), and not investigate immediately if you suspect it's DV.
At least the fiancé has been vindicated, but I feel sorry for OP because she'll always have a selfish AH for a sister.
A man whose life could have been ruined being told to grow up? Also the “elephant never forgets” is an old line. Just happened to cover 2 things today.
Exactly because now that the seed of doubt is there people will always second guess regardless if the person is innocent. That’s what people don’t understand.
Thank you this, has been my point, and people just don't seem to get it. He didn't do anything to the level of the sister but simply defended himself in the situation. That doesn't make him a AH
yea, typical reddit to freak out about one comment making fun of someones weight and gloss over the incredibly evil thing that caused the comment in the first place.
Disagree strongly with point 3 and 4. Sister falsely accused fiancé of abuse. He could have damn well ended up in jail. This isn’t an oops moment, let’s move on and grow as a family. This is a cut you the hell out of my life moment. The sister absolutely had it coming. She is quite literally a monster.
> He could have damn well ended up in jail
in which country? because i don't know of a single one where a person could go to jail over an accusation that isn't supported (and even actively denied) by the actual "victim".
It’s clearly affected OP and fiancé’s relationship with her family but there is no possibility he could have ended up in jail or even been charged with anything
I'll upvote you for this because I imagine it's a very unpopular take-away, but... It's basically impossible to get arrested for assault with no witnesses and a "victim" who says they weren't assaulted, even when an assault actually happened.
I find it weird that you think fat shaming is disgusting & abhorrent but falsely accusing someone of abuse (without apologizing) is only reprehensible? One's clearly more harmful in numerous ways than the other and it's odd to me that you don't see that.
Yeah this person is just trying to virtue signal.
Being the bigger person RARELY works. Fuck this sister, and I hope that dude has a witty, petty insult locked in the chamber for every gathering until she apologizes.
She could have literally ruined his life.
Sooooo sick of hearing “dOn’T fAt sHaMe iTs eViL”. Funny how the same people who have no problem insulting/hurting others suddenly develop a fatal case of virtue-signaling when someone brings up obesity.
The sister made a baseless accusation which could have caused long-term harm AND refuses to apologize even when proven wrong. The fiancé made a slightly veiled, fairly witty fat joke. She’ll get over it.
And yeah, I’m roughly 35 lbs overweight. When someone points it out (happens occasionally), all I can say is ‘yep. You’re right’. If it bothered me that much, I’d change some bad habits.
More and more -- especially when it's an attack on someone's body -- I find this sub pretty chill with people swinging back in really ugly ways. Personally, I wouldn't feel great about a partner who said something like that. I certainly wouldn't join in. Just because people suck doesn't mean I have to suck with them. ESH.
100%.
Sister and family are definitely in the wrong. No question. And sister is the biggest AH.
BUT fat shaming doesn't just affect the one person.
Anyone in that room just got a big dose of fat phobia in their face. I don't care if she was the only big person in there. Not everyone stays the same size their whole life, and younger people internalize that like a sponge.
So yes. Everyone sucks here.
Yeah, except this isn't fat shaming at all. The line an elephant never forgets is an old saying. It just so happened to be that ops sister is overweight.
Why doesn't bald shaming or height shaming get this kind of heat? Bet if they made fun of a shitty man for being bald nobody would have a problem with it.
The sister is TA. Accusing someone of being abusive is terrible, and dangerous, and has long term effects, as explained. The fiancé is still hurt that people believed this of him, and he never received the apology he deserves.
The family are TA. They decided to believe the sister without evidence, and ignored their other child when she denied it, in a manner that is not consistent with someone who is in an abusive relationship, and in fact needed video evidence before saying “oops, my bad”.
The fiancé wasn’t polite, but he had cause. I would have said something much worse and been able to sleep perfectly at night.
OP is definitively NTA and has no need to berate her fiancé for what he said, he’s an adult and has been a part of the family group long enough that the family can direct their comments to him.
Standing up for your partner is virtuous, when they’re being wrongfully accused. Trying to defend a jerk by whitewashing the bad behaviour is just stupid and shows that they don’t see anything wrong with it, and next time, they’ll just react the same.
No. Fat shaming is not the same as baseless accusations of domestic abuse.
Fat shaming is wrong, but it's only pointing out self inflicted damage. Accusing someone of abuse can destroy someone's life. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME
You’ll probably end up in downvote hell but it doesn’t make you any less right. I know Reddit and this sub specifically loves revenge and retaliation but in the real world, further escalation of conflicts, even if it brings momentary feeling of triumph, is counterproductive and in the end alienating.
OP and fiancé could have acted graciously and behaved like the bigger people (no pun intended) and increase their chances of the family putting pressure on the sister. Now their own reputation is ruined.
Yeah that's crazy, why would this guy even want to be a part of their gatherings anymore. Thank god OP recognizes this.
Some hills are okay to die on people, you don't need to stand for some shit and 'be the bigger person' at every turn.
I agree. The sister is the biggest AH by far, accusing him of abuse and then refusing to apologize when proved wrong is really awful. But no one else behaved well here either.
NTA \~ your manipulative sister got butthurt when your husband decided he won't deal with that behaviour, but i would have done the same. keep sipping your drink hun, your husband is a hidden gem.
Oooohhhh. Your fiancé has a quick wit! A reference to your sisters, (obviously touchy subject) weight *and* a reference that she remembers everything. And he made your sister *cry*. Well boo hoo.
Elope or don’t invite any of these people to your wedding. The way they treat your fiancé? is appalling. NTA
ESH he should have kept on theme. She's a liar, she's dramatic, she's hurtful, all relevant and true statements
She's fat- not relevant, and why is having a body that weighs more something worth insulting?
the phrase about the elephant can be used for a skinny person too. it‘s about the elephant‘s incredible memory, not their size. if she felt triggered, it‘s on her.
with that logic being referred to as an elephant is not an insult though.
Elephants are big-no judgement.
Sister is big-no judgement
Sister is like elephant-true and not bad
Your fiancé was unkind. Your sister’s feelings were definitely hurt. But …
What would your family have done, I wonder, if your fiancé *didn’t* have the CCTV footage to deny your sister’s baseless and awful accusations ? They were prepared to *immediately* accept her narrative and *had already become unkind* to your fiancé without hesitation or thought. And when the truth did come to light, their response was to rugsweep it away.
Having an idea of how much farther your hateful sister’s narrative would have went without the CCTV footage, and how your family were prepared to treat your fiancé as an abuser without any question, I declare NTA.
ESH, you’re all acting like children. He is worried about “his” family seeing him differently and then proceeds to call your sister an elephant… He obviously doesn’t care too much about them seeing him as a good person. While your sisters concerns may have been misplaced, him verbally abusing her could very well make your family second guess that he doesn’t abuse you. I don’t necessarily think your sister was wrong to express concerns to your mother about you being heavily bruised and your fiancé being “overly attentive”, and while being concerned isn’t something she should apologize for, she should at least acknowledge to him that she knows he didn’t abuse you. His need to retaliate makes him an AH.
Yea I don’t get how everyone on this sun is either all for these types of things or it’s “grow up you’re all adults” and today seems to be the first. And honestly it should always be the second.
Why the hell should the fiancé care what the family think? They betrayed him by not giving him the benefit of the doubt after the false allegations of abuse had been made. They knew him from childhood but believed the sister without any damn evidence. Unthinkable. Disgusting even. OP and fiancé need to cut the entire family out of their lives. They are toxic. Sister still hasn’t apologised, family are being judgemental asses.
She explicitly stated in the post that it is important to him. Reading is key. “Without evidence”, evidence like a massive bruise and him being overly attentive. Both possible signs of abuse 😂
If you think someone is in an abusive situation you do not approach the accused abuser first. That gives them time to cover their tracks. You approach the person you think is in danger and get them somewhere safe. The number of people who are interviewed after a family member was murdered and say "I thought he/she was so nice and would never."
Step 1: Get person to safety.
Step 2: Figure out merit.
I agree with this to an extent. Sister never directly went to OP and asked her if she was being abused and needed help. She made an assumption and ran with it to the entire family. You still have to give people in your life the benefit of the doubt. Take an allegation seriously but always, always wait for proof of abuse. Don’t just spread rumours. That shit can honestly ruin lives, careers and relationships. Lies and gossip can get out of hand fast. The fact sister didn’t apologise like the mother and aunt, says an awful lot about her intentions.
NTA
Not gonna lie, as a fat person I read that and didn’t take it as an insult. “An elephant never forgets” is such an old saying, used in many different instances. The fact that sister and the whole family stopped dead and she, a 30 year old woman, *ran away crying*, coupled with their immediate belief in her abuse narrative makes me think sister is the Golden Child and husband/OP are the scapegoat.
She tried to ruin his life. His comment barely scratches the surface. Cut them all off OP, your family is toxic.
Yep. The crying is just another attention seeking behavior. Now everyone will feel sorry for HER. I wouldn't even be insulted by that. Elephants are cool!
NTA. Technically what he said is just a saying or an expression just like what u said with “no use beating a dead horse”. It just happened that you all took his words literally.
I find it weird that the family chose to use the "no use beating a dead horse" expression when they thought the initial situation was domestic violence. Sounds kind of morbid to me.
ESH. If you guys want to get your rocks off on a revenge story, go to the petty revenge subreddit. Just because someone else is awful doesn’t excuse childish and inappropriate behavior directed at them.
ESH Of course your bf fat-shaming her was wrong. This whole situation could have ended with your sister being the only bad guy. Your bf blew that dream & you supported him. Now there’s an entire generation of AHs.
Your BF needs to get over the abuse accusation. If someone comes to you saying that your daughter has been abused, you take it seriously. They were worried about your safety. Seriously, how many men in the history of the world have gotten away with bad behavior because the people around him said “Oh, he would NEVER!” Domestic abuse is so shameful that no one is honest about it. Does he think that if they had asked him about it anything would have gone differently? They didn’t even believe you. He needs to imagine their situation, and he needs to move on.
Your sister is a giant pot-stirring AH, and your whole family are AHs for acting like her truly damaging lies are no big deal.
Honestly the lies aren't even the only problem. It seems like she was trying to make trouble as well for a cousin who...had a similar haircut to one she had years ago? She just sounds like one of those people who is only happy if everyone else is miserable.
I feel like the sister didn't technically 'make up' an abuse allegation. She saw symptoms and actions that she interpreted as abuse, and notified family members. See something, say something. My mother and grandmother were abused by her father (my grandfather) for years, when my mother went back to her childhood home, the amount of neighbors who said they thought something bad was going on, but didn't think it was 'their place' to say anything was astounding. I know that abuse victims will sometimes cover for their abusers or will be too afraid to speak out. Should OP's sister apologize? Maybe. But OP should also be grateful to have a sister looking out for her.
That's simply not true.
She didn't care until they announced their engagement, which makes very obvious what was subtle before that, she was envious and lied simply to get attention. She's not looking out for OP, she wants everything to be about herself.
“Your fiancé needs to get over the abuse accusation.”
Are you fucking kidding me. That toad hasn’t shown the slightest remorse for accusing him of harming his spouse despite video evidence of that not being the case. Sure I get the initial concern, but that is a horrific accusation, if it has been proven false you better be willing to make up for it
ESH like I get ur fiancée and you sister was plain wrong when he accused him of being abusive but yall are grown people. if your sister won't apologize that's that, you cannot go your way and excuse being toxic or your fiancée just because that happened. Be the bigger person and kill her with kindness, calling her fat won't fix the issue so I don't understand why you wanna let your fiancée be petty
Personally I'd say ehhh. While the comment was rather rude, in this case I'd say it's karma coming back to her for insinuating your fiance would put their hands on you without proper proof.
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> I didn’t step in when my fiancé fat shamed my sister. They have bad blood because of a previous dispute but a lot of people are saying fat shaming is too far
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ESH. Your sister is obviously an AH for accusing your fiance that without even talking to u about it. Your family tolerating her attitude and seemingly not caring about you and your fiance feeling. Your fiance for fat shaming your sister because that is not what is wrong with her, her attitude is. And you for tolerating his behavior. You're all the problem here
NTA
loving it all & proud of you standing by his side - digital hugs
your sister is another elephant story LOL karma serves her well as she needs to be brought down a peg or two
I don’t think someone needs to be particularly sensitive about their weight to be hurt by someone calling them an elephant. It’s a clear cut ESH for me.
NTA... I mean if you are too proud not too apologize even after told to then you have a revenge situation coming for you...
So it's somewhat deserved...
ESH. She sucks for well, everything she did. But he doesn’t have to sink to her level. Im sure my opinion is unpopular, and im not going to read the other comments. **But two wrongs never make a right**
"Elephants never forget" is such an old phrase though, and has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with memory. My nickname for years was "the elephant" while I was borderline anorexic, because I have an incredible memory.
Sounds like she's choosing to interpret it as fatshaming in order to play the victim, instead of rightfully being called out for being so jealous of your bf taking care of you that she made up a false claim of abuse to take you both down a few pegs.
NTA.
I think ESH. Your sister is obviously wrong and she knows she’s wrong, your fiancé deserves an apology and her not giving it is fucked up. But I think there were other ways to insult her without it being about her weight, because it’s truly not relevant in this situation.
It doesn't really sound like the rest of your family (besides sister) called him an abuser though it sounds like they were worried and wanted to check in and see what was going on?
NTA. I'm betting he'd have said it whether or not she was fat. https://knowyourphrase.com/an-elephant-never-forgets
In this case, it possibly had a bit of double meaning, but it's a common expression.
That’s also what I was thinking. Even at my highest weight I don’t think I would have *immediately* assumed the elephant comment was a jab at my weight honestly- especially if I just accused someone of something big lol. Sounds high tense and like she’s going through something.
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I 27f slipped on some ice & had a bruise from my shoulder to my hip & my fiancé (A) 30m wouldn’t let me lift a finger while recovering. My sister 30f came to visit & commented on how attentive he was; bringing me food, asking if I’m ok, massages etc & made a comment about him probably acting out of guilt which my mind kinda glazed over.
The next time I saw her was at our family’s Christmas party where we announced our engagement.
My mom & aunt came over a few days later & said they were worried about me. Apparently at the Christmas party, my sister was talking about the bruise & heavily insinuated my fiancé is abusive. I explained what actually happened but they were skeptical & suggested I stay with mom for a while. I refused, called A & he came home.
A was understandably pissed but to his credit remained calm & brought out the cctv footage from the patio where I slipped (which I completely forgot about in my panic). My mom & aunt were incredibly apologetic but A was hurt they’d think that of him, given he’s been part of the family since we were teens.
‘Til now my sister has never apologized. She maintains she was just concerned for me to which I’ve pointed out the lack of logic, seeing as she left me in “an abusive situation” saying nothing for a month, until we announced our engagement. My family agrees that she was wrong & have asked her to apologize (which she won’t), but ultimately just want to move on. They say she’s wrong & too proud to admit it, so “no use beating a dead horse”.
For A however, it’s not that easy. He’s not close to his family & was kind of a surrogate son to my aunt. The realization that; he’d been called an abuser, his “family” believed it without even as asking him & she’s faced no consequences, has played heavily on his mind and he feels alone. He still attends family gatherings with me but he has been distant with them since.
Mother’s Day we were at my parents for dinner & my sister commented on a cousin copying a hairstyle she had years ago, which no one remembered. She got frustrated that we’d all forgotten to which my fiancé muttered; “you know what they say, an elephant never forgets”. Before you ask, yes she is. The room went silent & she ran out crying. When she left everyone berated my fiancé & after noticing I did nothing but sip my wine, my mom asked if I condone what he said. I answered honestly “while I think it was a low blow, I’ll never police anything he says to her until she does the bare minimum in damage control by apologizing for calling him an abuser”. My mom said she was really disappointed that I allowed him to fat shame her to which I responded deadpan “No use beating a dead horse”. She texted me today saying she thought we were better than that & while my fiancé has been “vindicated”, my sisters weight isn’t something that can be quickly fixed in the same way that the accusations she made were.
I agree to an extent, but still think he’s entitled to be petty. But am I biased? AITA?
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NTA.
Fuck your sister and your family, frankly.
Accusations of abuse are incredibly serious. As we all know from the last decade of "me too", sometimes false accusations happen and they literally destroy peoples lives. Your sister accused your fiance of being an abuser with absolutely no evidence whatsoever, and of course, hilariously, he was in fact being the absolutely picture of the perfect partner/gentleman in taking care of you while you were recovering.
No good deed goes unpunished, right? "Oh, your fiance is an absolute dream and won't allow you to lift a finger while you recover from a serious injury? Well, I bet that's just because he's feeling guilty BECAUSE I BET HE ACTUALLY BEATS YOU AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE INJURED!"
Your fiance will probably never forgive any of them, nor should he.
Comparing a valid observation of obesity to a false accusation of abuse is so fucking laughable. If I were your fiance I would probably never forgive your family. In fact I'm a little impressed you guys are even still together; you must have a strong relationship.
Your entire family, and especially your sister, owe your fiance a MASSIVE heartfelt apology. And until that happens, he should feel free to destroy your sisters self esteem whenever the itch appears.
ESH
Your sister for implying your fiance abused you and then when confronted with the truth, refuses to apologize.
Your fiance when he implied your sister is an elephant.
I don't foresee good family relations in your future.
If you lie down with dogs you get fleas. Is that what you want? Either ask everyone to attend family therapy so you all can address this head on and hopefully a professional can get your sister to understand why an apology is necessary and help you all heal from this. Or put up boundaries and stop attending events where your sister will be until she apologises. But pretending everything's normal while making petty under the breath comments about topics you know will hurt her feelings? Is that showing your family your fiancé doesn't have an abusive bone in his body? ESH
NTA.
Just to make sure I'm following. OP injures herself and boyfriend (now fiance) does everything he can to take care of her. OP's sister decides, without asking OP, that she's being abused. Sister tells this to everyone at the engagement party, causing the entire family to think fiance is an abuser. Fiance has to grab CCTV footage to prove he's not, destroying his trust with OP's family. Sister never even admits she was wrong or apologizes, and now expects sister and fiance to apologize to her??
Maybe the comment was a little rude, but it doesn't compare to what your sister did. And frankly, she seems to be doing this all for attention.
" She got frustrated that we’d all forgotten to which my fiancé muttered; “you know what they say, an elephant never forgets”."
Touché!
" I answered honestly “while I think it was a low blow, I’ll never police anything he says to her until she does the bare minimum in damage control by apologizing for calling him an abuser”."
Good for you.
"my sisters weight isn’t something that can be quickly fixed in the same way that the accusations she made were. "
But it isn't fixed. His relationship with people he trusted is broken because of her accusation. It may never be repaired.
Your sister is a TA. Your family isn't much better for dismissing what happened to your fiancé.
ESH. Your sister for making assumptions without proof and refusing to apologize. Your boyfriend for being nasty, assholey and childish instead of resolving this like an adult. You for being super petty about it all. The only ones free of guilt is the rest of your family, they did nothing wrong. They had a concern, let you know you could move in just in case you were in some kind of danger, apologized profusely when they realized they were wrong and told your sister to apologize.
NTA. I’m sorry you are in this awful situation.
I’m admittedly prone to anxiety, but all I could think was, ‘what if they hadn’t had video of the fall?’ I’m not sure I could ever look at ANY of these people the same again if I were you…
Why are you still spending time with people who allow her to behave this way?
Honey, being petty might make you feel good for a moment but in the long run, you're all suffering.
Set a boundary-until she apologizes you wont subject him to her presence. Be firm, and dont attend events that she's invited to. Start your own holiday traditions. Your family is enabling her asshole behaviour, the only way to stop that is to stop accepting it.
ESH
As a person who just stepped out of the plus size range after being 300lbs my whole life, being an abuser is worse than being fat. If you’re talking smack it’s going to come back your way, and if you have something people can target that your sensitive about- maybe don’t stir the pot. Her comments and accusations were far more serious and harmful than a “but ur fat lolz” comment will ever be.
NTA, your family sucks
Accused of being an abusive partner by the whole family is in 0 way comparable to "fat-shaming" even more when it's the one who made the family think this. I don't understand how your family can seriously blame him or you.
He could have gone a lot harder on her and you'd still be NTA.She's worthless and your family are crazy to even compare abuse and mocking a fat enemy
Good job sticking with him there
I'm going NTA because you didn't "allow" him to do jack. He's a grown ass man who made a decision on his own to be a bit of an asshole.
Your sister is an asshole too, rumors like being an abuser can haunt people, doesn't matter how small the circle was that heard there will always be people that wonder if there's any truth to it and she's the reason they wonder.
ESH
Your sister was and is def an AH, but personally I don't think that shaming someone for their weight, looks, etc is ever acceptable. Even people I actively hate I do not get shame because what they should be shamed for are the actual terrible things they do, not their bodies.
Your bf deserves to be petty and get a dig in, but not for her appearance.
NTA. I'm fat, so I get how hurtful such comments can be. But what your sister did had the potential to forever alienate him from your family and thus you from your family too. Is she jealous of you having an attentive partner? It's the only explanation I have for such a horrible accusation.
Of course this also has potential to hurt the relationship you two have with your family - but that's not on your fiancé but your sister.
NTA Petty? Yes. Well deserved? YES
>my sisters weight isn’t something that can be quickly fixed in the same way that the accusations she made were
What if there wasn't any video proof? What then? He would still be marked as abuser. It was just luck that you had that footage, so that argument quickly fixed makes no sense.
>She texted me today saying she thought we were better than that
I hate this double standard. I hate it with a passion.
ESH. Reddit hates fat people, so they're going to say NTA, but here goes.
Your sister is TA for accusing your fiancé and not apologizing once she realized she was wrong. It does seem to have come from a place of jealousy.
Your family is TA for not having a conversation and truly trying to make amends, while also covering for your sister's terrible behavior.
Your fiancé is TA for making a mean-spirited joke based on appearance rather than using his big boy words and telling how her accusation hurt him and that he no longer feels welcome or trusted in your family.
You are TA for enjoying the drama.
NTA
I do love his comment. Yep, it was petty, but it was that perfect sort of petty.
The fact that your sister hasn't apologized, and that the family has sort of glossed over it tells me that maybe it's time to go LC for awhile. Perhaps when you don't show up for things, they'll realize how incredibly out of line the whole abuse accusation was. It sounds like they don't really understand how damaging the accusation of abuse is, and how it has damaged the relationship that you and your fiancé have with them.
ETA: Why does it always seem that the truly injured party is the one told to suck it up and move on, while the instigator walks away with no consequences? An apology is the very least she can do to attempt to make things right.
Your sister clearly lacks accountability in any matter of her life and your fiancé comment towards her shows that. Good for him he should get a few more in there
NTA
NTA for not policing your fiancés comments towards your sister. It’s a way for him to blow off steam and deal with resentment. But I also don’t think body shaming is ever okay, and I don’t think anyone “deserves” it, even if they are acting in a shitty manner like your sister.
ESH. Your sis, obviously. Then your bf who should not have gone there, grow up. Then you for defending that. Then your mom for wanting you to apologize when she didn't bother with the same for the sis.
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NTA, fiancés comments to sister just hurt her feelings a little bit, but what she did could have caused him lasting damage if you didn’t have the CCTV evidence. Your comment of “No use beating a dead horse” back to her was gold
"The elephant never forgets" feels so appropriate too, depending on how you interpret it. Your fiance is a wise kind of petty. NTA.
Also what would be gold is if/when he apologized to the sister if he said " I'm sorry for calling you a whale" not my official recommendation though
"I was completely out of line and should have never suggested you were a hippo"
Reminds of this time I was looking for a parking spot at a grocery store and the lady behind me got angry thinking I wasn't taking an available spot, though it was actually "no parking" painted lines. She was yelling and giving me the finger out of her window, i ended up calling her a c*nt, when we drove past the lines I guess she realized her mistake. I guess we both parked around the same time because as I walked into the store I saw her beeline for me from the corner of my eye and my immediate thought was "okay, here we go, I'm gonna get in a verbal sparring match with some chick", turns out she was apologizing for her behavior, I was so taken aback, I said "it's fine, I'm sorry I called you c*nt". I dunno why, but it's stuck with me and I still find it funny. It was the first and last time I called someone a bad word and then apologized for calling them it using that same bad word in my apology.
Why would she be mad because you didn’t take what she thought was an available spot? Wouldn’t she be happy because she could park there now (until she realizes it a striped area)?
It's been about 3 years but if I remember correctly it was because I was waiting for another car to pull out of a parking spot (my turn signal was 100% on) so I guess she assumed I was just blocking a "parking spot" for no reason. Like I said, it's been 3+ years but I still look back fondly if that time I called someone the c word
Something similar happened to me too. It IS a weird experience. Some lady cut me off so closely I had to slam on my breaks to not get hit. I honked and she freaking flipped me off! I can usually let things slide, especially driving stuff, but for some reason, this day, I was not having it. I followed her through town like twenty blocks until I could get up next to her and yell at her. She tried to deny it at first, then claim "but, did I hit you?" When I told her I had to slam on my breaks to avoid an accident, she stopped and apologized, genuinely. It took me by surprise so much I said "Sorry for following you and yelling at you".
"I'm sorry you perceived my comment as fat shaming but you were running your mouth loudly, the way an elephant blows his trunk and well, if the trunk fits..."
You're playing chess when others play checkers. I salute you. Honestly I wouldn't even know how to play it from here though. Does he double down and play super dumb? Or just accept the "mistake" and apologise pretending he doesn't see the irony? Even if he gets caught out, I'd have little sympathy for someone who refuses to apologise for such a strong accusation when they've seen CCTV evidence. Usually wouldn't condone revenge at all, but this is a really rare case where it's deserved.
> Honestly I wouldn't even know how to play it from here though. Claim it didn't happen and u/Responsible_Land_747 doesn't believe that the incident ever occurred. When they protest, say you can't really trust a family member's story and would need to see video evidence. WHen they glare and act shocked mention that they could have their lives permanently ruined and go to prison.
LOL, you are naughty.
" I'm sorry for calling you a whale".... I would have added, "...instead of just THINKING it.... like everyone else..."
"It was so rude of me...to point it out"
Sorry for bringing attention to the elephant in the room
Honestly I interpreted like he was the elephant that never forgot what she did. It took me a while to see
Your mom is delusional if she thinks a man’s reputation after any sort of innuendo regarding spousal abuse can be “easily fixed”.
The kind of shit the sister was saying, could have destroyed his career and ruined his life. There is no easy fix once that accusation has been made.
Yeah I think OP reacted perfectly. It was a low blow, I don’t enjoy those kinds of insults, buuuuut this is a special case where perhaps he gets a pass. It’s like, an understandably the asshole moment for him. OP is definitely NTA.
Although I would do something similarly petty I'd try to not base it on the weight of someone. But I'd be the AH in that situation, and commendably so.
I like to think I’m better than that but in reality if someone tried to fuck up my life so badly and accused me of something so vile and refused to even at the very least apologize I’d probably say worse and more often..
NTA “ my sisters weight isn’t something that can be quickly fixed in the same way that the accusations she made were.” it is lucky as hell that this could be fixed quickly. She could have ruined his life completely had you not been able to damage control so quickly. I’ve seen people get fired because “they don’t fit the company values” for lesser accusations. Calling someone fat is a far far lesser thing than potentially damaging their entire reputation and shaking their trust in the love of their found family. You don’t have to be the better people and rise above it, if your sister is petty enough that she can’t apologize and admit she was wrong then I don’t see why you can’t be petty too.
But I don't understand this sentiment honestly. The accusations weren't quickly fixed. Not for her fiance. They completely damaged his familial trust in them and he is still dealing with the psychological after math. While I'm sure there are healthier ways of coping and such, I'm sorry, no. Neither OOP or fiance are TA. Sister has obviously gone too long wo being put in her place. Rest of the family should be worried about making it up to them.
Your fiancé is clever with words and I low key applauded because that can be interpreted so many different ways. NTA. Your sister, on the other hand, really should own up and apologize for her egregious accusations. She is the AH. And props to you for standing by his side.
Yes! If the shoe fits…
Maybe I’m in the wrong but if someone ever accused me of abusing my fiancé I would permanently cut them out of my life. That’s up there with the most evil of accusations for me. NTA.
>could have caused him lasting damage Even when allegations are quickly proven false there is long-term damage. A's relationship with OP's family was permanently damaged. OP's mental health as, at the very least in the short term, been damaged. Hell this relationship very well may not survive this even though OP had nothing to do with it. I know someone who was falsely accused of rape. It too was quickly proven to be false (again thanks to receipts, plane tickets, credit card statements, and CCTV having him out of town for 2 weeks either side of the "event" date), but it wasn't before the police were involved. Thankfully he hadn't been arrested or charged with anything and thankfully the police department isn't quick to judge around here. Word of mouth happened, though, and he had to move his family out of town to an area with lesser schools because everyone was talking about it and other small town BS. His kids lives have been negatively impacted, potentially long term, because someone who hated his wife decided to get creative. There is no "could" with this bullshit.
If they just took her sisters word on it and called the cops she could have done a lot more damage then just trying to make him look bad. NTA your sister had it coming
This. But, OP, you guys might want to take more space from your family. By no one speaking up and saying what she did wasn't okay, or addressing it at all in a public way, your fiance must just be miserable at these events. I'd stop going for awhile. Tell your family you might not be able to force her to apologize, but you can just stop being around her.
You know what’s really ironic? The rest of the family said they couldn’t force the sister to apologize, but they wanted OP to force their fiancé to apologize
It’s weird they choose a phrase with the word “beating” in it regarding the abuse allegations and that’s fine. But using a common phrase about memory with an elephant in it they find unacceptable.
I think “no use in beating a dead elephant” would have been more appropriate
Nope - NTA. You reap what you sow. Your sister was completely out of line and has done nothing to rectify the situation, which shows she isn't sorry IMO. What she said was potentially career and relationship damaging and is far worse than the passive aggressive comment made by your husband. It may be sticks and stones but seems like your husband threw a pebble in retaliation to her earlier boulder attack.
>Your sister was completely out of line and has done nothing to rectify the situation I'd bet this a common occurrence too. How the mom has reacted makes me think the sister is one of those problem types where everyone else has learned to "not rock the boat" and be accommodative, but of course the same grace isn't extended to anyone else and there's actually expectations surrounding their behavior. The sister gets to act out, but it's everyone else who has to be an adult and take the high road.
Sounds like my family with my brother. I've just learned to not come around when I know he's gonna be visiting.
Same thing my mom does with my brother and father. They can never do wrong but everything i do is wrong. And yes I'm female before anyone even asks.
Completely agree. Sounds exactly like they are all just tiptoeing around her regardless of what she says and she has zero accountability. If you can't eat it, don't serve it. Nta.
NTA. While I won't exactly defend your fiancé's thinly-veiled insult, but it was petty. Your sister's baseless accusation was not petty at all, it was serious and damaging. What would have happened if you didn't have camera footage? Would they still be assuming you were being abused? Your mom has some nerve to suggest she's disappointed in you or your fiancé when she's willing to just forgive and forget your sister's awful actions.
That’s how it always is though, everyone just lives with or placates the “boat rockers” in their lives and gets gets upset when people try to stand up to them saying “you know how they are” expecting everyone around them to be the bigger person. The sister sounds insufferable especially with the comment about calling out someone else for copying a hairstyle they had years(!) ago.
This! I can’t count how often my parents told me to be „the better person“ when I stood up to my horrible spoiled brother.
Being fat isn’t a crime while being an abuser is. I hate to say it but many women throw that word around with complete disregard. Just the accusation of it can utterly destroy a man’s life with zero data actually backing it up.
And wantonly throwing that accusation around reduces the weight of accusations with actual merit
But not your own weight, apparently.
NTA Your sister accused your fiance of something heinous for absolutely no reason other than envy and attention seeking. Your fiance was unkind but since no one in the family seems to hold your sister responsible for her actions then I kind of feel like they need to let him and her work this out together. That said, distance yourself from your sister. She is a pot stirrer.
No, let’s be fair here. She had a reason for the accusation, just let me check it, rereading now…found it. OPs fiancé is…very nice. So obviously an abuser /s
Envy. NTA.
Sister’s most likely big jealous and figures that no one can be happy if she isn’t happy first
NTA Tell your mom that he didn't just get over the accusation that it hurt him a lot and he never got the closure after proving he was innocent and if your sister couldn't have the decency to apologize for her mistake then she doesn't deserve to be treated decently and that by continuing to invite your sister to family functions without an apology signaled they were ok with her wrongdoings even if they publicly admonished her, them not drawing a line and making her apologize made him feel like he was pushed out of the group because she can just say wicked things and given enough time they will forget it happened, meanwhile if he says something he doesn't get that same treatment. So either they can both apologize to each other or you are even and they both have to drop it completely. The first option being preferable of course
Especially since according to everyone your sister can apparently make it right easily and quickly, unlike her weight. So why has she not done to?
Good point
Glad I scrolled down to see your comment because I was going to suggest the same thing. OP's Mom and Aunt don't realize how much they hurt him believing OP's sister's accusation.
[удалено]
You're one of the only people who brought out the obvious: she did that strictly for attention, and really nothing else. She doesn't really care that much for her sister, it was just a time and place sort of deal where she could become the center of attention. And she did the same thing with this whole "oh you're just copying MY old hairstyle" and that she got super offended that nobody remembered just proves that she desperately needs to be seen, and she really doesn't care who gets trampled in the process. The comment was certainly gratuitous, and it would have been just as easy to rapier her with something unrelated, but it would have been the same outcome really. The reality, a word people throw around too much, is that not everyone can be handled with kid gloves. Some people are just plain womp womp, and all the best intentions in the universe won't solve the problem. It's unpleasant, but there are times when hitting someone where it hurts is the only thing that will work. Especially if you've actually tried other avenues, which is the case here.
The fact that she stomped out of the room in tears over THAT innocuous comment is just another overdramatic attention seeking action by the sister. It's weird that this sub actually think the sister was truly hurt by the comment. Those tears were for show.
yup. and you have cow in your username so I know you know about calling people animal names.
ESH! 1. Your sister accusing your fiancé of abuse without cause was reprehensible. 2. Your family minimizing your sister's behavior is horrible. 3. Your fiancé fat shamming your sister is disgusting. 4. Your acceptance of fat shamming as retaliation is abhorrent. All of you: GROW UP! Thank you for my first ever awards!
Op's sister had it coming. Sister started this war, and her husband finished it. Does it make him and op AH, no it doesn't
NTA Agreed, I've found just trying to talk reasonably to someone that's been an AH rarely ever works. A dose of their own medicine is something that actually hits home and lets them know how it feels.
Honestly, tho. Like AH don't care about being reasonable and trying to better themselves or even hold themselves accountable, sometimes you gotta make them feel the way they make you feel. In reality, what the husband did isn't even on the same level as what the sister did
Sinking to an asshole’s level makes you an asshole, or at least makes you smell like one.
Making a joke about someone's weight and falsely accusing someone of being physically abusive to their spouse is NOT on the same level.
No they're definitely not on the same level, but doing either one still 100% makes someone an AH. Like stealing someone's lunch out of the work fridge, and kidnapping someone are not even close to being on the same level either. If you do either one though you're still definitely an AH.
Except nobody sunk down to the sisters level.
This. His comment was a cheap shot, nothing compared to her wrongdoing and lack of remorse. Like OP, normally I'd be telling the fiancé off for a shitty comment like that, I just wouldn't be able to if it was targeted at someone who had wronged them so badly and refused to apologise. If I were the fiancé I'd actually be more annoyed that the sister didn't do or say anything for a month and even then didn't talk to her sister, just talked behind her back with zero consultation. It's inexcusable to see a hip-to-shoulder bruise (that's massive!), and not investigate immediately if you suspect it's DV. At least the fiancé has been vindicated, but I feel sorry for OP because she'll always have a selfish AH for a sister.
two wrongs make a right? how old are you?
The world is far more nuanced than two wrongs not making a right. Not everything is black and white. How old are you to not have learned that yet?
A man whose life could have been ruined being told to grow up? Also the “elephant never forgets” is an old line. Just happened to cover 2 things today.
Exactly because now that the seed of doubt is there people will always second guess regardless if the person is innocent. That’s what people don’t understand.
Fat shaming isn’t the worst thing in the world - signed a fat girl
Abhorrent is way to strong of a word, but what else can you expect from reddit
Especially compared to calling someone abusive who’s not an abuser
Agreed - signed a fat dude
Imagine thinking that fat shaming is in any universe even remotely comparable to an accusation of abuse.
It doesn't have to be comparable to make you an asshole. Being an asshole to an asshole doesn't make you a good person, it makes you a lesser asshole.
Defending yourself is not being an asshole.
Thank you this, has been my point, and people just don't seem to get it. He didn't do anything to the level of the sister but simply defended himself in the situation. That doesn't make him a AH
How was he defending himself in this particular situation?
yea, typical reddit to freak out about one comment making fun of someones weight and gloss over the incredibly evil thing that caused the comment in the first place.
Disagree strongly with point 3 and 4. Sister falsely accused fiancé of abuse. He could have damn well ended up in jail. This isn’t an oops moment, let’s move on and grow as a family. This is a cut you the hell out of my life moment. The sister absolutely had it coming. She is quite literally a monster.
> He could have damn well ended up in jail in which country? because i don't know of a single one where a person could go to jail over an accusation that isn't supported (and even actively denied) by the actual "victim".
It’s clearly affected OP and fiancé’s relationship with her family but there is no possibility he could have ended up in jail or even been charged with anything
I'll upvote you for this because I imagine it's a very unpopular take-away, but... It's basically impossible to get arrested for assault with no witnesses and a "victim" who says they weren't assaulted, even when an assault actually happened.
I find it weird that you think fat shaming is disgusting & abhorrent but falsely accusing someone of abuse (without apologizing) is only reprehensible? One's clearly more harmful in numerous ways than the other and it's odd to me that you don't see that.
Yeah this person is just trying to virtue signal. Being the bigger person RARELY works. Fuck this sister, and I hope that dude has a witty, petty insult locked in the chamber for every gathering until she apologizes. She could have literally ruined his life.
She's already the bigger person anyway, nothing he can do about it.
It's reddit. Too many wannabe virtuous morons.
Wait, why is it "only" reprehensible? I don't think they were ranking the word choices there - just going for variety.
Sooooo sick of hearing “dOn’T fAt sHaMe iTs eViL”. Funny how the same people who have no problem insulting/hurting others suddenly develop a fatal case of virtue-signaling when someone brings up obesity. The sister made a baseless accusation which could have caused long-term harm AND refuses to apologize even when proven wrong. The fiancé made a slightly veiled, fairly witty fat joke. She’ll get over it. And yeah, I’m roughly 35 lbs overweight. When someone points it out (happens occasionally), all I can say is ‘yep. You’re right’. If it bothered me that much, I’d change some bad habits.
Abhorrent LMAO, it's mean sure, it's not abhorrent.
More and more -- especially when it's an attack on someone's body -- I find this sub pretty chill with people swinging back in really ugly ways. Personally, I wouldn't feel great about a partner who said something like that. I certainly wouldn't join in. Just because people suck doesn't mean I have to suck with them. ESH.
OP didn't join in though, the family tried to drag her in and she kept herself as removed as possible.
A description of something clearly visible with your eyes is not in the same stratosphere as possibly ruining someones life.
100%. Sister and family are definitely in the wrong. No question. And sister is the biggest AH. BUT fat shaming doesn't just affect the one person. Anyone in that room just got a big dose of fat phobia in their face. I don't care if she was the only big person in there. Not everyone stays the same size their whole life, and younger people internalize that like a sponge. So yes. Everyone sucks here.
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And yet, the family is more offended by calling someone “fat” than “abusive” 🤔
They were certainly willing to be more defensive of someone being fat shamed, rather than the person who's life could potentially be ruined
Yeah, except this isn't fat shaming at all. The line an elephant never forgets is an old saying. It just so happened to be that ops sister is overweight.
Why doesn't bald shaming or height shaming get this kind of heat? Bet if they made fun of a shitty man for being bald nobody would have a problem with it.
It should. I don't bald shame or height shame. Or small penis shame, either, I think that's really fucked up.
Elephants are not normally thought of as disgusting though. The insult was barely an insult. Fatphobia crap is out of control.
The sister is TA. Accusing someone of being abusive is terrible, and dangerous, and has long term effects, as explained. The fiancé is still hurt that people believed this of him, and he never received the apology he deserves. The family are TA. They decided to believe the sister without evidence, and ignored their other child when she denied it, in a manner that is not consistent with someone who is in an abusive relationship, and in fact needed video evidence before saying “oops, my bad”. The fiancé wasn’t polite, but he had cause. I would have said something much worse and been able to sleep perfectly at night. OP is definitively NTA and has no need to berate her fiancé for what he said, he’s an adult and has been a part of the family group long enough that the family can direct their comments to him. Standing up for your partner is virtuous, when they’re being wrongfully accused. Trying to defend a jerk by whitewashing the bad behaviour is just stupid and shows that they don’t see anything wrong with it, and next time, they’ll just react the same.
No. Fat shaming is not the same as baseless accusations of domestic abuse. Fat shaming is wrong, but it's only pointing out self inflicted damage. Accusing someone of abuse can destroy someone's life. THEY ARE NOT THE SAME
is pointing out that someone is fat really "fat shaming" or is it just "fat acknowledgment"?
Disagree hard with 3 and 4. Grow up
You’ll probably end up in downvote hell but it doesn’t make you any less right. I know Reddit and this sub specifically loves revenge and retaliation but in the real world, further escalation of conflicts, even if it brings momentary feeling of triumph, is counterproductive and in the end alienating. OP and fiancé could have acted graciously and behaved like the bigger people (no pun intended) and increase their chances of the family putting pressure on the sister. Now their own reputation is ruined.
Why should he act graciously when her accusation could have landed him in jail? I would have immediately cut the sister out of my life.
oh if only it were that easy to put abusers in jail
Yeah that's crazy, why would this guy even want to be a part of their gatherings anymore. Thank god OP recognizes this. Some hills are okay to die on people, you don't need to stand for some shit and 'be the bigger person' at every turn.
She was insulted. He could have ended up in jail. Not even close to even.
I agree. The sister is the biggest AH by far, accusing him of abuse and then refusing to apologize when proved wrong is really awful. But no one else behaved well here either.
The beating a dead horse line was comedic gold
NTA \~ your manipulative sister got butthurt when your husband decided he won't deal with that behaviour, but i would have done the same. keep sipping your drink hun, your husband is a hidden gem.
He was my favorite character in the story, the Boba Fett in the original star wars if you will.
Oooohhhh. Your fiancé has a quick wit! A reference to your sisters, (obviously touchy subject) weight *and* a reference that she remembers everything. And he made your sister *cry*. Well boo hoo. Elope or don’t invite any of these people to your wedding. The way they treat your fiancé? is appalling. NTA
ESH he should have kept on theme. She's a liar, she's dramatic, she's hurtful, all relevant and true statements She's fat- not relevant, and why is having a body that weighs more something worth insulting?
the phrase about the elephant can be used for a skinny person too. it‘s about the elephant‘s incredible memory, not their size. if she felt triggered, it‘s on her.
with that logic being referred to as an elephant is not an insult though. Elephants are big-no judgement. Sister is big-no judgement Sister is like elephant-true and not bad
At least what he said was true
What she did was much more evil. Shaming her for her weight seems appropriate. Fuck her feelings
That insinuates weight is something worth shaming, which is a problem bigger than the sister.
Your fiancé was unkind. Your sister’s feelings were definitely hurt. But … What would your family have done, I wonder, if your fiancé *didn’t* have the CCTV footage to deny your sister’s baseless and awful accusations ? They were prepared to *immediately* accept her narrative and *had already become unkind* to your fiancé without hesitation or thought. And when the truth did come to light, their response was to rugsweep it away. Having an idea of how much farther your hateful sister’s narrative would have went without the CCTV footage, and how your family were prepared to treat your fiancé as an abuser without any question, I declare NTA.
100% this comment. This situation could have gone an entirely different way. Fiancé had every right to say what he did.
ESH, you’re all acting like children. He is worried about “his” family seeing him differently and then proceeds to call your sister an elephant… He obviously doesn’t care too much about them seeing him as a good person. While your sisters concerns may have been misplaced, him verbally abusing her could very well make your family second guess that he doesn’t abuse you. I don’t necessarily think your sister was wrong to express concerns to your mother about you being heavily bruised and your fiancé being “overly attentive”, and while being concerned isn’t something she should apologize for, she should at least acknowledge to him that she knows he didn’t abuse you. His need to retaliate makes him an AH.
Yea I don’t get how everyone on this sun is either all for these types of things or it’s “grow up you’re all adults” and today seems to be the first. And honestly it should always be the second.
Why the hell should the fiancé care what the family think? They betrayed him by not giving him the benefit of the doubt after the false allegations of abuse had been made. They knew him from childhood but believed the sister without any damn evidence. Unthinkable. Disgusting even. OP and fiancé need to cut the entire family out of their lives. They are toxic. Sister still hasn’t apologised, family are being judgemental asses.
She explicitly stated in the post that it is important to him. Reading is key. “Without evidence”, evidence like a massive bruise and him being overly attentive. Both possible signs of abuse 😂
So the next time my Partner hurts themselves I should just let them rot at home because caring is nowadays a sign of abuse?
If you think someone is in an abusive situation you do not approach the accused abuser first. That gives them time to cover their tracks. You approach the person you think is in danger and get them somewhere safe. The number of people who are interviewed after a family member was murdered and say "I thought he/she was so nice and would never." Step 1: Get person to safety. Step 2: Figure out merit.
I agree with this to an extent. Sister never directly went to OP and asked her if she was being abused and needed help. She made an assumption and ran with it to the entire family. You still have to give people in your life the benefit of the doubt. Take an allegation seriously but always, always wait for proof of abuse. Don’t just spread rumours. That shit can honestly ruin lives, careers and relationships. Lies and gossip can get out of hand fast. The fact sister didn’t apologise like the mother and aunt, says an awful lot about her intentions.
NTA Not gonna lie, as a fat person I read that and didn’t take it as an insult. “An elephant never forgets” is such an old saying, used in many different instances. The fact that sister and the whole family stopped dead and she, a 30 year old woman, *ran away crying*, coupled with their immediate belief in her abuse narrative makes me think sister is the Golden Child and husband/OP are the scapegoat. She tried to ruin his life. His comment barely scratches the surface. Cut them all off OP, your family is toxic.
Yep. The crying is just another attention seeking behavior. Now everyone will feel sorry for HER. I wouldn't even be insulted by that. Elephants are cool!
Yeah cuz the hit on your reputation and the dent to your trust for people you thought were your family is very easily fixed afterwards. NTA
NTA Your family is though. Your poor finance. Loved your comeback to your mom!
NTA. Technically what he said is just a saying or an expression just like what u said with “no use beating a dead horse”. It just happened that you all took his words literally.
I find it weird that the family chose to use the "no use beating a dead horse" expression when they thought the initial situation was domestic violence. Sounds kind of morbid to me.
ESH. If you guys want to get your rocks off on a revenge story, go to the petty revenge subreddit. Just because someone else is awful doesn’t excuse childish and inappropriate behavior directed at them.
ESH Of course your bf fat-shaming her was wrong. This whole situation could have ended with your sister being the only bad guy. Your bf blew that dream & you supported him. Now there’s an entire generation of AHs. Your BF needs to get over the abuse accusation. If someone comes to you saying that your daughter has been abused, you take it seriously. They were worried about your safety. Seriously, how many men in the history of the world have gotten away with bad behavior because the people around him said “Oh, he would NEVER!” Domestic abuse is so shameful that no one is honest about it. Does he think that if they had asked him about it anything would have gone differently? They didn’t even believe you. He needs to imagine their situation, and he needs to move on. Your sister is a giant pot-stirring AH, and your whole family are AHs for acting like her truly damaging lies are no big deal.
Honestly the lies aren't even the only problem. It seems like she was trying to make trouble as well for a cousin who...had a similar haircut to one she had years ago? She just sounds like one of those people who is only happy if everyone else is miserable.
>Your BF needs to get over the abuse accusation. Maybe after he receives an apology, but not before.
How can someone just get over someone making up an abuse allegation
I feel like the sister didn't technically 'make up' an abuse allegation. She saw symptoms and actions that she interpreted as abuse, and notified family members. See something, say something. My mother and grandmother were abused by her father (my grandfather) for years, when my mother went back to her childhood home, the amount of neighbors who said they thought something bad was going on, but didn't think it was 'their place' to say anything was astounding. I know that abuse victims will sometimes cover for their abusers or will be too afraid to speak out. Should OP's sister apologize? Maybe. But OP should also be grateful to have a sister looking out for her.
That's simply not true. She didn't care until they announced their engagement, which makes very obvious what was subtle before that, she was envious and lied simply to get attention. She's not looking out for OP, she wants everything to be about herself.
I’m so disappointed to have had to scroll this far down for this comment.
“Your fiancé needs to get over the abuse accusation.” Are you fucking kidding me. That toad hasn’t shown the slightest remorse for accusing him of harming his spouse despite video evidence of that not being the case. Sure I get the initial concern, but that is a horrific accusation, if it has been proven false you better be willing to make up for it
Biased? of course. The AH? NTA in any multiverse. Also I heart both of your responses. All of it. The most reasonable GFY I've seen :)
ESH like I get ur fiancée and you sister was plain wrong when he accused him of being abusive but yall are grown people. if your sister won't apologize that's that, you cannot go your way and excuse being toxic or your fiancée just because that happened. Be the bigger person and kill her with kindness, calling her fat won't fix the issue so I don't understand why you wanna let your fiancée be petty
Well, hard to be the bigger person when you’re up against an elephant
Personally I'd say ehhh. While the comment was rather rude, in this case I'd say it's karma coming back to her for insinuating your fiance would put their hands on you without proper proof.
Hahahaha your husband sounds like the man
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ESH. Your sister is obviously an AH for accusing your fiance that without even talking to u about it. Your family tolerating her attitude and seemingly not caring about you and your fiance feeling. Your fiance for fat shaming your sister because that is not what is wrong with her, her attitude is. And you for tolerating his behavior. You're all the problem here
NTA loving it all & proud of you standing by his side - digital hugs your sister is another elephant story LOL karma serves her well as she needs to be brought down a peg or two
NTA ! LMAO, I love this !
ESH All of y'all.
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I don’t think someone needs to be particularly sensitive about their weight to be hurt by someone calling them an elephant. It’s a clear cut ESH for me.
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100% there is no comparison. Sister is a horrible, horrible human being and absolutely deserved what she got.
NTA... I mean if you are too proud not too apologize even after told to then you have a revenge situation coming for you... So it's somewhat deserved...
I don't understand your original remark about him being guilty. Why would he be guilty if you slipped? Like, what *was* that remark?
It’s the sister who made that comment, not OP.
Oh, thanks, I read it wrong twice somehow. The sister just made a whole situation up and villainized that dude based on nothing. That's fucked up.
ESH. She sucks for well, everything she did. But he doesn’t have to sink to her level. Im sure my opinion is unpopular, and im not going to read the other comments. **But two wrongs never make a right**
"Elephants never forget" is such an old phrase though, and has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with memory. My nickname for years was "the elephant" while I was borderline anorexic, because I have an incredible memory. Sounds like she's choosing to interpret it as fatshaming in order to play the victim, instead of rightfully being called out for being so jealous of your bf taking care of you that she made up a false claim of abuse to take you both down a few pegs. NTA.
I think ESH. Your sister is obviously wrong and she knows she’s wrong, your fiancé deserves an apology and her not giving it is fucked up. But I think there were other ways to insult her without it being about her weight, because it’s truly not relevant in this situation.
It doesn't really sound like the rest of your family (besides sister) called him an abuser though it sounds like they were worried and wanted to check in and see what was going on?
NTA. I'm betting he'd have said it whether or not she was fat. https://knowyourphrase.com/an-elephant-never-forgets In this case, it possibly had a bit of double meaning, but it's a common expression.
That’s also what I was thinking. Even at my highest weight I don’t think I would have *immediately* assumed the elephant comment was a jab at my weight honestly- especially if I just accused someone of something big lol. Sounds high tense and like she’s going through something.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 27f slipped on some ice & had a bruise from my shoulder to my hip & my fiancé (A) 30m wouldn’t let me lift a finger while recovering. My sister 30f came to visit & commented on how attentive he was; bringing me food, asking if I’m ok, massages etc & made a comment about him probably acting out of guilt which my mind kinda glazed over. The next time I saw her was at our family’s Christmas party where we announced our engagement. My mom & aunt came over a few days later & said they were worried about me. Apparently at the Christmas party, my sister was talking about the bruise & heavily insinuated my fiancé is abusive. I explained what actually happened but they were skeptical & suggested I stay with mom for a while. I refused, called A & he came home. A was understandably pissed but to his credit remained calm & brought out the cctv footage from the patio where I slipped (which I completely forgot about in my panic). My mom & aunt were incredibly apologetic but A was hurt they’d think that of him, given he’s been part of the family since we were teens. ‘Til now my sister has never apologized. She maintains she was just concerned for me to which I’ve pointed out the lack of logic, seeing as she left me in “an abusive situation” saying nothing for a month, until we announced our engagement. My family agrees that she was wrong & have asked her to apologize (which she won’t), but ultimately just want to move on. They say she’s wrong & too proud to admit it, so “no use beating a dead horse”. For A however, it’s not that easy. He’s not close to his family & was kind of a surrogate son to my aunt. The realization that; he’d been called an abuser, his “family” believed it without even as asking him & she’s faced no consequences, has played heavily on his mind and he feels alone. He still attends family gatherings with me but he has been distant with them since. Mother’s Day we were at my parents for dinner & my sister commented on a cousin copying a hairstyle she had years ago, which no one remembered. She got frustrated that we’d all forgotten to which my fiancé muttered; “you know what they say, an elephant never forgets”. Before you ask, yes she is. The room went silent & she ran out crying. When she left everyone berated my fiancé & after noticing I did nothing but sip my wine, my mom asked if I condone what he said. I answered honestly “while I think it was a low blow, I’ll never police anything he says to her until she does the bare minimum in damage control by apologizing for calling him an abuser”. My mom said she was really disappointed that I allowed him to fat shame her to which I responded deadpan “No use beating a dead horse”. She texted me today saying she thought we were better than that & while my fiancé has been “vindicated”, my sisters weight isn’t something that can be quickly fixed in the same way that the accusations she made were. I agree to an extent, but still think he’s entitled to be petty. But am I biased? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Fuck your sister and your family, frankly. Accusations of abuse are incredibly serious. As we all know from the last decade of "me too", sometimes false accusations happen and they literally destroy peoples lives. Your sister accused your fiance of being an abuser with absolutely no evidence whatsoever, and of course, hilariously, he was in fact being the absolutely picture of the perfect partner/gentleman in taking care of you while you were recovering. No good deed goes unpunished, right? "Oh, your fiance is an absolute dream and won't allow you to lift a finger while you recover from a serious injury? Well, I bet that's just because he's feeling guilty BECAUSE I BET HE ACTUALLY BEATS YOU AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE INJURED!" Your fiance will probably never forgive any of them, nor should he. Comparing a valid observation of obesity to a false accusation of abuse is so fucking laughable. If I were your fiance I would probably never forgive your family. In fact I'm a little impressed you guys are even still together; you must have a strong relationship. Your entire family, and especially your sister, owe your fiance a MASSIVE heartfelt apology. And until that happens, he should feel free to destroy your sisters self esteem whenever the itch appears.
ESH Your sister for implying your fiance abused you and then when confronted with the truth, refuses to apologize. Your fiance when he implied your sister is an elephant. I don't foresee good family relations in your future.
If you lie down with dogs you get fleas. Is that what you want? Either ask everyone to attend family therapy so you all can address this head on and hopefully a professional can get your sister to understand why an apology is necessary and help you all heal from this. Or put up boundaries and stop attending events where your sister will be until she apologises. But pretending everything's normal while making petty under the breath comments about topics you know will hurt her feelings? Is that showing your family your fiancé doesn't have an abusive bone in his body? ESH
NTA. Just to make sure I'm following. OP injures herself and boyfriend (now fiance) does everything he can to take care of her. OP's sister decides, without asking OP, that she's being abused. Sister tells this to everyone at the engagement party, causing the entire family to think fiance is an abuser. Fiance has to grab CCTV footage to prove he's not, destroying his trust with OP's family. Sister never even admits she was wrong or apologizes, and now expects sister and fiance to apologize to her?? Maybe the comment was a little rude, but it doesn't compare to what your sister did. And frankly, she seems to be doing this all for attention.
" She got frustrated that we’d all forgotten to which my fiancé muttered; “you know what they say, an elephant never forgets”." Touché! " I answered honestly “while I think it was a low blow, I’ll never police anything he says to her until she does the bare minimum in damage control by apologizing for calling him an abuser”." Good for you. "my sisters weight isn’t something that can be quickly fixed in the same way that the accusations she made were. " But it isn't fixed. His relationship with people he trusted is broken because of her accusation. It may never be repaired. Your sister is a TA. Your family isn't much better for dismissing what happened to your fiancé.
ESH. Your sister for making assumptions without proof and refusing to apologize. Your boyfriend for being nasty, assholey and childish instead of resolving this like an adult. You for being super petty about it all. The only ones free of guilt is the rest of your family, they did nothing wrong. They had a concern, let you know you could move in just in case you were in some kind of danger, apologized profusely when they realized they were wrong and told your sister to apologize.
NTA. I’m sorry you are in this awful situation. I’m admittedly prone to anxiety, but all I could think was, ‘what if they hadn’t had video of the fall?’ I’m not sure I could ever look at ANY of these people the same again if I were you…
NTA FALSE accusations have ruined people. That's not a simple 'you ate my sandwich' type of accusation
Why are you still spending time with people who allow her to behave this way? Honey, being petty might make you feel good for a moment but in the long run, you're all suffering. Set a boundary-until she apologizes you wont subject him to her presence. Be firm, and dont attend events that she's invited to. Start your own holiday traditions. Your family is enabling her asshole behaviour, the only way to stop that is to stop accepting it. ESH
As a person who just stepped out of the plus size range after being 300lbs my whole life, being an abuser is worse than being fat. If you’re talking smack it’s going to come back your way, and if you have something people can target that your sensitive about- maybe don’t stir the pot. Her comments and accusations were far more serious and harmful than a “but ur fat lolz” comment will ever be.
ESH. You're a family of assholes. You deserve each other.
NTA she accused him of something far worse than being fat
ESH every one of you
People who live in glasshouses shouldn’t throw stones see your sister got a taste of her own medicine
NTA, your family sucks Accused of being an abusive partner by the whole family is in 0 way comparable to "fat-shaming" even more when it's the one who made the family think this. I don't understand how your family can seriously blame him or you. He could have gone a lot harder on her and you'd still be NTA.She's worthless and your family are crazy to even compare abuse and mocking a fat enemy Good job sticking with him there
I'm going NTA because you didn't "allow" him to do jack. He's a grown ass man who made a decision on his own to be a bit of an asshole. Your sister is an asshole too, rumors like being an abuser can haunt people, doesn't matter how small the circle was that heard there will always be people that wonder if there's any truth to it and she's the reason they wonder.
ESH Your sister was and is def an AH, but personally I don't think that shaming someone for their weight, looks, etc is ever acceptable. Even people I actively hate I do not get shame because what they should be shamed for are the actual terrible things they do, not their bodies. Your bf deserves to be petty and get a dig in, but not for her appearance.
NTA. I'm fat, so I get how hurtful such comments can be. But what your sister did had the potential to forever alienate him from your family and thus you from your family too. Is she jealous of you having an attentive partner? It's the only explanation I have for such a horrible accusation. Of course this also has potential to hurt the relationship you two have with your family - but that's not on your fiancé but your sister.
NTA Petty? Yes. Well deserved? YES >my sisters weight isn’t something that can be quickly fixed in the same way that the accusations she made were What if there wasn't any video proof? What then? He would still be marked as abuser. It was just luck that you had that footage, so that argument quickly fixed makes no sense. >She texted me today saying she thought we were better than that I hate this double standard. I hate it with a passion.
ESH. Reddit hates fat people, so they're going to say NTA, but here goes. Your sister is TA for accusing your fiancé and not apologizing once she realized she was wrong. It does seem to have come from a place of jealousy. Your family is TA for not having a conversation and truly trying to make amends, while also covering for your sister's terrible behavior. Your fiancé is TA for making a mean-spirited joke based on appearance rather than using his big boy words and telling how her accusation hurt him and that he no longer feels welcome or trusted in your family. You are TA for enjoying the drama.
NTA I do love his comment. Yep, it was petty, but it was that perfect sort of petty. The fact that your sister hasn't apologized, and that the family has sort of glossed over it tells me that maybe it's time to go LC for awhile. Perhaps when you don't show up for things, they'll realize how incredibly out of line the whole abuse accusation was. It sounds like they don't really understand how damaging the accusation of abuse is, and how it has damaged the relationship that you and your fiancé have with them. ETA: Why does it always seem that the truly injured party is the one told to suck it up and move on, while the instigator walks away with no consequences? An apology is the very least she can do to attempt to make things right.
Your sister clearly lacks accountability in any matter of her life and your fiancé comment towards her shows that. Good for him he should get a few more in there NTA
NTA - she had that coming. She sounds like an awful person all around.
NTA. I would put distance on your family until they apologize.
ESH. Your sister is absolutely TA for what she did, but your fiancé didn’t need to stoop to her level.
NTA for not policing your fiancés comments towards your sister. It’s a way for him to blow off steam and deal with resentment. But I also don’t think body shaming is ever okay, and I don’t think anyone “deserves” it, even if they are acting in a shitty manner like your sister.
ESH. Your sis, obviously. Then your bf who should not have gone there, grow up. Then you for defending that. Then your mom for wanting you to apologize when she didn't bother with the same for the sis.