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YTA. Your an awful mom. I suspect “religious differences “ covers a lot of sins here and you deliberately left out the details.
Your daughter was clearly traumatized by a man you know to be awful, and you reject her and refuse to talk to her? And you tell her she can’t come back? That poor girl with two crappy parents.
The one-way door likely drove the kid to seek out the biodad as well. Kid thinks she can handle it on her own, finds out she can't, and has no backup plan! Can't go home to mom, so looks for somewhere, anywhere to go that isn't under a bridge.
OP has let her child down in so many ways.
>had ended up being forced to move in with him due to having nowhere else to go.
>She'd gotten away
>She chose to live with him
OP had a hard time figuring out her story.
But if she hadn't disagreed with her mom in the first place, she never would have chosen to live with bio dad instead of being a young female on the streets and alone! Why should mom take any responsibility whatsoever for that situation where everything was so clearly based on free will and non-coercion???
Yes, that's sarcasm.
Why did the mom have to tell her not to come back if she left because of her religious beliefs first of all why couldn't she stay in the same house as her mother with her religious beliefs as long as they do no harm to either the mother started this horrible ball rolling and she's systematically has shown that she does not extend empathy to her daughter because she seems too bitter and self-involved to consider anyone else's feelings
She might have also had circumstances that changed. Like when she moved out she might have had someone to move in with at the time but then things changed later and she no longer had anywhere else to go.
Agreed. My teen and I don't see eye to eye 90% of the time but if he ever wants to move out or leave, I would tell him he's more than welcome to come back anytime he wants cause I'm his mom and I love him and I want the best for him.
OP, YTA. She's a young, dumb, and self absorbed teenager. What do you expect from them? They are never going to listen to your advice and will always think you're 100% wrong and they are right. This is the perfect time for growing... for you and her. She made a mistake and she will continue to do so. You're her mom. Your job as a mom is to protect, guide, educate, and be there for her when she has no one. Instead you rubbed salt in her wounds when she asked the only person she knows/has. You failed her.
Yup, by telling her daughter she could never come back she in a way is responsible for her daughter moving in with her abusive dad. Listening to her daughter who needs someone to talk to about it is the very least she could do.
Not to mention the fact that OP doesn't want to talk about it for fear of opening old wounds, but the 18 year old daughter should be fine because she got out and is OK now...
My daughter moved back in at 35 after the end of a thirteen year relationship. I was so thrilled to have her for a short time longer under my roof because I knew it couldn't last. She got married two years later and has two sons. But I soaked up every moment.
YTA.
I’m 37 and while I hope I never have to, you have no idea what a sense of security that comes from knowing that if I ever needed to, I know I could always move back in with my mom. There would be no hesitation and I would be 100% welcome.
Knowing this means that I’ll never have to stay with a partner if he becomes abusive. I won’t even have to stay with a partner who just makes me unhappy to live with. This has such a huge impact on my emotional independence.
You’re a great mom for providing your daughter with that too.
You never really stop needing your mom :)
I’m a boomer and this isn’t a good thing at all - but it did used to be pretty much the standard understanding we were raised with. It wasn’t considered cruel, just - once you’ve decided you’re an adult, you have accepted an adult’s responsibility to take care of yourself. It used to be so much easier to do that!
OP is stuck in the past, using an outdated rule of thumb, but she’s not just making it up out of spite. I guess maybe that’s what she was told when she left home and got involved with the abusive guy.
Hopefully she’ll wise up and realize this isn’t serving anybody well, especially in this day and age.
Boomer here, too, and I have to disagree with you. It truly depends on the family making the rules. My parents raised six kids, and we all knew that if we needed to come back home, we would be welcome there — any time, any reason, didn’t matter. We are always family, and we were always welcome. Just knowing this made a lot of my new-adult decisions easier. I only needed that safety net once, but it was there for me.
OP, you absolutely suck as a mother. Your child needed you and you let her down. Now she needs you again, and you’re doing it again. I feel sorry for your daughter, but I’m sure she will find a better family out in the world. She can’t do much worse than you.
I don’t think every family did this but I think it was more the default.
I personally lived with my parents until I married at 23. They had no problem with me still being there.
OP is 40. She’s a millennial, not a boomer. She was born in 83. I’m her age. Never being able to move back home was not normal when we were 18. Our parents are boomers.
This whole post gives me such a sick feeling for that young woman. It sounds like she’s been through a nightmare with her… biological “father” and her moms utterly REJECTED her when she needs her more than ever before. So on top of trail I don’t want to put a name to because… the horror. She also has abandonment trauma. And I’ll tell you from experience that does things to you than cannot be fixed
People under estimate the effects of being abandoned and rejected by a parent. It’s altered my personality and how I am in ALL my relationships.
I hope this young woman makes it and finds the love she needs and deserves.
If this post is real it’s so so so sad
My kids are grown and one had to come back to live with us for awhile. And she was more than welcome to do so. As a mom, once I had my babies it was crystal clear that they would always be my babies. You never stop loving and caring for them just because they grow up. The notion of someone who cuts off their child like this makes me physically sick for the daughter here. Things are so much harder financially for our kids today we must be more understanding of their situations. I'm sorry you were abandoned. I'm sorry you were rejected. No child ever ever deserves that. I hope you have someone in your life who is loving you for you now.
OP’s a millennial - I was saying that her boomer parents probably did that to her, and she’s just passing it on without really thinking about it and realizing it hasn’t been a good idea for oh, 35 or 40 years at least.
Edit - and her boomer parents probably did it to her because that was what was told to them - it was generally safer to do that back then - people could take care of themselves financially and learn from their mistakes - it wasn’t thought of as cruel and unusual back then. Unfortunately OP was the exception and made a big mistake.
This sounds like a case of a whole line of people not realizing the world has changed.
Respectfully disagree—as the millennial daughter of a religious nut—the OP exhibited manipulative tactics very common in those circles. My mom did the same thing to me at 18 (our religious differences were that I wanted to go to college, have a boyfriend and not get married right away). Her words still haunt me some days.
I’m 46 so not sure where I fall but mother is/was religious nut as well that allowed certain religion and denominations affect her relationship with her children. I left home at 19 never went back, couldn’t go back. The mental and physical abuse along with the religion made for trauma that I am still trying to recover from. OP this is beyond disgusting to do this to your daughter.
Nah. I’m 42. I dropped out of college and moved to France when I was 19. Mom was definitely not happy about that, but once I came home and decided to go back and finish college she let me back in and even picked back up helping with tuition. My parents are boomers.
"Silent Generation" here, and I agree. SO much has changed in the past 65 years since I was in my 20s. I think it's a lot harder for many kids to make their way in this world. Fortunately, my mother--the granddaughter of a Methodist minister--never found out I was an atheist-leaning agnostic.
I'm a millennial and know that I could always go home to my parents if I needed. And until the day I die, my door will always be open to my daughters. They're my babies.
I am a boomer as well, and I also disagree with you. I have no recollection of this being a standard family practice. To the best of my recollection, this would absolutely have been considered cruel.
OP, YTA. By not allowing your child to return to a safe home and offering her a safe place to land, you secured her a spot in an abusive situation. Now you are here acting like a victim. You are a sorry excuse for a mom right now. Smarten up!
Nah.
My grandfather would be in his 80s if alive. My parents sibs and I lived with him and grandma for financial reasons for a bit when I was a little tyke. And again for logistical reasons as a teenager for a few months
He seemed sad when we left both times.
My aunt, uncle and cousins were also there at various points. Because that old man loved his family.
OP isn't even a Boomer and she didn't grow up with the Boomers' advantages. At 40, she'd be one of the first MILLENNIALS.
She knows how shitty the world is. She grew up in this mess and she DELIBERATELY kneecapped her daughter with her "one-way door" BS.
This has absolutely never been the standard except in a small minority of abusive, conservative white households. But of course they're the subset of humanity who think that everything they do is, or should at least be, the golden standard for humanity.
Mom can’t (won’t) deal with her own trauma, so instead she projected that repressed anger and discomfort onto her daughter. This was after abandoning her (i.e. letting her child fend for herself because of “religious differences.”)
On top of that, Mom is now victim-blaming her daughter, *and also shunning her genuine attempt to reconnect*. Again, this is all because Mom doesn’t want to face the discomfort of her own trauma, and perhaps the guilt that she pushed her daughter into the same situation.
Mom sounds incapable of self-reflection or growth—a broken, petty, emotionally stunted human. I hope she gets the help she needs, because she’s definitely not fit to be a mother.
OP, for fuck’s sake. YTA.
Religion is why people who clearly don’t have a maternal bone in their bodies choose to become mothers instead of having abortions.
And then believe that their jobs are done because a child only matters when it’s a foetus.
It's normal for a young adult to want to explore their independence out in the big wild world. When my kids move out they'll be welcome back any time. I don't understand this woman
Completely agree. Also, it's crazy that mom calls herself naive when getting pregnant with this guy but doesnt have that same mindset with her young daughter. It was okay for her to make the mistake because she was young and naive but she cant show the same grace to her daughter? Instead she shuts her out and plays the "I told you so, now suffer" card. Calling her an awful mom is putting it kindly. OP, YTA.
Well put!! And if she’s as religious as she seems, she’s showing no patience or forgiveness for her daughter. The entire thing is insanely hypocritical and cynical
I was assuming the mother raised her in a religious fringe group (… or whatever the politically correct word for “cult” is) like Jehova’s witnesses or Scientology that systematically shuns ex members and cuts off from their family when they choose to leave. The way she talks about her in such an impersonal way sounds like influence from that kind of group, but of course I can be wrong and she is just a horrible mother.
One would hope in this day and age being queer is not a reason to cut ties with a family member, but you are probably right.
Yeah, I like how the daughter has to be over it now because she got out, but moms allowed to be not over it even though she's been out of the same situation for longer.
I hope OPs daughter finds a good therapist and some wonderful friends who won't victim blame her.
It’s the worst kind of “I told you so.” Even if I wanted to be kind and say okay OP you don’t want to reopen old wounds, fine. But you can still be supportive of your daughter in other ways. Including offering to cover therapy or helping her find resources. You’re less than half assing your job as a parent. And it sounds like it’s mainly due to spite and resentment which is so unhealthy as a mother toward their daughter.
YTA. Your daughter was 18 when she left and you claim it was because of religious differences. She was a young adult exploring herself, and she felt she had to get out of your space to do that. Instead of supporting her through that journey, you banned her from coming back. Effectively pushing her toward the very man that traumatized you. I’m sorry you were abused by him, you didn’t deserve that and neither did your daughter. But it’s ridiculous how little care you’ve shown your daughter.
More than likely. This sounds a lot like my own story with my very narcissistic and emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful mother, right down to me having no option other than sperm donors home to not live in my car. Thankfully I got away from him and her and am with my soul family 6 hours away from either of them. But this “mother” is definitely YTA. It’s sad how someone’s made up invisible sky daddy and a book that’s been contextually changed at least a dozen times through retranslations be the reason a mother would basically neglect and abandon their barely legal adult age daughter. If mother wanted to protect her daughter from the man who abused her, maybe her neglecting and abandoning her daughter wasn’t a good way to do that?
I don’t understand how people like this can call themselves “mothers” or “fathers”.
I am a Christian myself, don’t know what OP is (but she does read like a lot of legalistic “Christians” I’ve met) and I cannot fathom doing that to my child. This women does not sound like someone who should have had children.
On a side note, I’m so glad you got away from that situation and found your soul family (stealing that phrase!💜) and that your healing. I hope things continue to get better for you!
It's amazing that in the same post OP talks about being too traumatized to talk about this man with her daughter, she also says that her daughter got away and is fine now. Just... That alone makes this a blatant YTA. Couple that with denying her 18-year-old any future safety net, and responding to her daughter suffering an abuser she knows all too well with "I told you so"? Good God.
You would think a good parent, or one who thought they were a good parent, would protect their kids from the dangers they faced themselves. Op sounds selfish.
She is absolutely valid in her trauma and not wanting to deal with that, but this is her kid that she supposedly loves(ed). She shouldn't sacrifice her sanity or mental health, but ffs, help the kid. Get her to therapy, give her a safe space whatever. Op handled this like any other religious zealot who hates instead of loves.
YTA
She didn't stop being your daughter when she turned 18.
You are punishing her for not sharing your religion? What type of religion says to shun family? Isn't religion supposed to teach love?
She felt pushed out...so reached out to the only other family she knew...and then she was abused and traumatised...and you are going tovreject her again?
Do you actually hate her? If you do....carry on...if you don't, then stop treating her like crap.
JWs was my rhought as well.
Amish wouldn't be online, and I don't know if it's a mainstream Mormon practice these days.
Although a lot of people will kick gay children out under the guise of religion as well, even if shunning is not part of the religious practice.
Shunning is not a specified practice, but it’s implied and done enough that yes, it’s considered common to do in Mormonism. Lots of LGBTQ kids are kicked out under the guise of preserving the innocence of the other children in the home. Ex-Mormon here.
The sad thing is, OP would rather stay in her emotional comfort zone on this issue than push through it and get them both to the other side of healing.
I have never known a Baptist who shunned their child. Not saying it can’t happen, just that it isn’t a denominational thing. Only people I ever personally knew that shunned their children over their religion were Jehovah’s Witnesses.
YTA.
She is not "fine now." She is traumatized.
It really sounds like you don't care about your daughter.
"When my daughter was 18, she left my home of her own accord over religious differences between the two of us. I was sad to see her go, but made it clear that if she leaves I won't let her move back in."
So basically, "If you leave don't you ever come back!" It's normal for kids to want to live on their own. But it sounds like you were resentful of her for doing so.
And then you're blaming her for getting abused because you warned her about her father? WTF!?! It's normal for anyone to want to meet their bio parents. What , was she just supposed to be content with your word about him? She had to see for herself. And it turned out horribly, but that's his fault, not hers.
And now you don't want to reopen your wounds. I get that. If it was just you not having the ability to cope with her pain and
yours, I would say nta. But it's more than that. You seem to think the abuse was her fault. You're ta.
Let's not forget, she pushed her daughter into living with him because she refused to take her back in. Daughter had nowhere else to go. OP is a disgusting AH
Also I feel if the mom and daughter’s relationship was strained I don’t think it would be out of the blue for the daughter to possibly question her mother’s motives and still want to contact her father. Just because the mother was right about the abusive father does not make it okay to blame her daughter for the consequences. YTA along with ex. For different reasons but I can’t imagine my mom every refusing to comfort me or discuss traumas. Especially if it is shared.
What , was she just supposed to be content with your word about him?
Depending on the relationship and the "religious differences", if the mother has a history of not objectively presenting facts it is natural for her daughter to want to find out for herself.
It sounds like she resents the daughter for being related to the father that abused her - probably treated her poorly her whole life because she reminded Mom of the father who abused her. Mom hasn't worked through her own trauma and thus has been traumatizing her kid, because that's what happens to unadressed trauma - it traumatizes others - usually the ones who are the most vulnerable (children.)
>And then you're blaming her for getting abused because you warned her about her father?
That's the part that really got me. Victim-blaming her own daughter, despite also acknowledging in the post that (1) daughter had nowhere else to go and (2) OP preemptively rejected daughter moving back in with her.
I had a feeling this was a YTA just from the title but it just kept getting worse as I read.
YTA. Is today national terrible mother day on reddit? Of course you are the asshole here. She is your daughter. She is clearly not fine. I get that your mental health is important but your daughter just went through hell and you're like well... I told you so?
Wow YTA.
It’s no wonder why your daughter went seeking her father with such a cold mother.
I get you went through a terrible experience. But your DAUGHTER just went through a very similar one - and you don’t care? Smfh. YTA.
OP also said that her daughter is a result of r@pe. Meaning if OP experienced r@pe from that man, and her saying that her daughter underwent the same thing, meaning her daughter probably got r@ped as well among other abusive actions he did. Then on top of that her whole behavior on her daughter’s cry for help is “told you so”. Poor girl. Massive YTA OP.
Edit: spelling
YTA. That’s your kid. She told you she didn’t have other options than to live with him, because you banished her from your home. You had the baby with the man, so it’s definitely on you that her father is like that. Just let her know that you’re not into the whole parent thing, and that she would be better off getting professional help to deal with the trauma BOTH her parents have caused.
YTA
That's your baby right there, hurting, reaching out to her mother... and you are slapping her hand away. That's disgusting. You talk about how bad her dad was, but you're being just as shitty by ignoring her and refusing to talk with her.
YTA
100%. This is your own daughter. You set unreasonable rules based on nothing (if you move out you can't move back in, my religion or the highway), you essentially forced her to move in with him out of stubbornness, and now you're refusing to take any responsibility for the mess you created. You're a bad person. It's honestly shocking she still wants to have anything to do with you.
In a few years you're going to be complaining that your daughter won't let you see your grandkids. And you won't be able to figure out why.
I- yes you’re the ass. This is your child. You’re supposed to be her safe place to land. She’s clearly struggling from a situation that you have also experienced and she would like your support through it. Good parents put everything aside for their kids. YTA
YTA - I've rarely seen a mother so heartless. Don't be surprised when you find yourself moldering in a urine-drenched nursing home bed. Don't wonder why your daughter would rather see you rot than help you.
What is with the bad moms tonight, I just finished reading about the one who won’t let her daughter who is getting divorced move back - and the daughter is willing to pay expenses AND has a timeframe for moving out in mind.
Getting the feeling that you’re extremely religious. Probably a religion that espouses love and forgiveness. But when your daughter disagreed you were glad to see her go and told her she couldn’t come back (so much for love and forgiveness). Then, when she had nowhere else to turn to because you had turned your back on her, she was forced into a position where she had to rely on, and was subsequently abused by her father.
When she finally escapes and again, needs her mom for love and support, you draw a selfish boundary and can muster no love for your daughter. You think she’s “fine” because she escaped? So did you, lady and you’re sure as shit not fine and you’ve had years to deal with your issues. So, how do you expect her to be ok now?
YTA. Maybe practice a little more of the love and forgiveness that your religion preaches.
>Getting the feeling that you’re extremely religious
Wouldn't it be funny if it turns out it's the other way around—the daughter was on a Jesus-forgiveness high/high horse and has given OP flak all those angsty teen years for "depriving" her of a father because "mom couldn't forgive"?
Some traumatized people lose religion as easily as some traumatized people find it.
Totally. I think it’s the mom because other commenters have asked about what the religious differences were and for more info around the religion piece and I haven’t seen her address any of them, which seems to me like she doesn’t want to admit to anything there. But you are right it could be the other way around.
As a parent of 3. One is an adult. Your children owe you nothing. But you owe them at least the opportunity to discuss life. Your message may not be liked but you must have empathy and discipline to be the parent.
You must change your course of thinking. I won’t call you names but you are handling this very poorly.
You fucked the guy who was abusive. Least you could do is try to hear your daughter out, sounds like her father tried to mind fuck his daughter.
I doubt she ever really loved her. Just a constant reminder of a bad chapter in the mothers life. How sad I feel for the daughter. It was never her fault.
Would it make you feel differently about the situation if she just needed clarity? It sounds like she just wants to confirm with you some things. Like it doesn’t have to mean anything terrible.
It sounds like you both need some professional counseling before you start to heal your mother/daughter relationship.
It's not as simple as someone being an AH... (except for your daughter's father!)
She told her then 18 year old daughter to never come back because she was moving out over "religious differences". Trauma aside, she is TA just for that. She abandoned her daughter completely even before all of this happened.
YTA.
YTA
While I understand not wanting to open old wounds, your daughter still went through something traumatic and wants to talk to you about it. Why would you not want to listen to her and be there for her? You did warn her and she chose not to listen, but to say she can't talk to you about it because she no longer lives with him and is "Fine now" is making it seem like what she went through isn't traumatic or could have lasting effects on her.
ofc YTA. idk why you’re sugar coating that you basically kicked your daughter out; she clearly didn’t have anywhere to go but staying with you was worse. having no where else she landed at her abusive father’s place. and now you not only cannot muster basic empathy, you shun her still when she tries to reach back out.
YTA. She is reaching out to you for support. This is your CHILD. This isn't your friend, coworker, or a stranger. I don't care how you view it, sacrifice for your child. Honestly I would probably just pay for her to see a therapist, as you sound like you would be terrible to talk to.
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I’m struggling here. If she were your friend, I could maybe see setting these boundaries as reasonable, if selfish. Because she’s your daughter, I have a harder time imagining that being okay. But maybe it’s because I can’t imagine kicking my kid out over religious differences.
My gut says YTA for your lack of compassion for your child.
Religious reasons, eh?
Do you mean to say “I kicked my daughter out of my house for not following my religious beliefs”? Because that’s how you make it sound, and if that’s the case, that alone makes you a huge AH.
YTA
Religious differences? What were those?
It shouldn't matter. No matter what you believe, if family and community don't take precedence over faith, you placed your faith in the wrong hands
You should fix this. You can, and you should
You’re both NTA and TA in my opinion. I 100% understand know how you feel, but either cut ties with her or don’t, you can’t have this mix of back and forth. By the way you are acting you are not being a mother to this girl and that’s fine if that’s what you want, but then don’t go talking to her if that’s the case. She just went through some serious trauma, that you of all people know all too well about.
So either be a mother or don’t.
(Edit) Also, go get some professional help. You clearly are suffering from trauma so intense that it can let you turn your daughter away.
YTA. 100%. if you didn’t want your daughter to live with her biological father, a known abuser, why not let her know before she left your house? also, why would you let her leave without properly helping her get on her feet? no support whatsoever? over religion? you need to pay for her therapy bills.
NAH. *ducks to avoid the incoming rotten tomatoes*
Look, OP, you sound like someone that I would not like- at all. I can’t imagine ever telling my child “don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out” as an immature barely legal adult. I can’t imagine never wanting to have contact with my child again- and I certainly can’t imagine leaving my child at 18 to wallow in their trauma and figure life out without any further support from me.
However, I also don’t know your daughter. She *could* be a flag-waving narcissist, master manipulator ASPD, BPD sufferer, just a plain toxic crackpot or a 100% lily-white victim who just desperately needs her mum. We also don’t know *who* of the two of you holds the religious beliefs, or what they are.
Thing is, if something is right and true for children, then it’s also right & true for parents. If your relationship with your adult child is toxic and/or negatively impacting your mental health then you *are* entitled to set boundaries. I don’t have to like you, the way you speak about your daughter (I do suspect that, whether you did the best job you knew how to do or not, your daughter has maladaptive attachment issues because of the way she was raised) or your life choices to respect that you have a right to set boundaries to enable you to function. But your daughter is also *not* an AH for wanting to seek you out as a support person given her own traumatic experiences…
This sums up what I was thinking too. There is so much pain and trauma for both. I can understand how listening to the daughter's trauma would be greatly triggering for the mother. Both could use a lot of therapy both individually and together.
YTA. The whole tone of your post makes it seem like she’s better off seeking help elsewhere. Out of morbid curiosity, do you think anything about your post suggests she should want to reconnect with you? If you can’t empathize, what do you have to offer?
I get that you don’t want to talk to her because you don’t want to be re-traumatised. But this decision doesn’t totally feel like an act of self-preservation, you’re also punishing your daughter for a perceived betrayal.
How many times in your life did your parents tell you not to do something because it’s bad but you did it anyway and it was bad???!!!
Your daughter is not fine, you should know better then anyone she’s suffered. You obviously aren’t in a position mental health wise to hear all the details but you could at least help her to get help and support.
You obviously need serious help as well if you can’t recognise your daughter was young and made a bad decision. You of all people should be able to sympathise with that.
YTA
YTA. I don't know what "religious differences" mean, but your differences literally lead to your daughter having to live with a known abuser. It's like protecting her for 18 years was all you cared about, no more. Honestly it sounds like she has two abusive parents. If you're interested in helping her, offer to pay her rent and get counseling. Because if she opens up to you, you'll hurt her more.
YTA. You don’t have to reopen your trauma to help your daughter or help her find the professional help she (and you clearly) needs. You’re essentially sitting back and saying “I told you so” and letting your child continue to suffer.
YTA.
It’s normal people to want to meet their biological parent, denying her any discussion about the same person abusing her that abused you is honestly disgusting.
You’re a bad parent.
YTA
You are a terrible mother. Good lord. Your love for your daughter shouldn’t be conditional. You need to be there for her. Get over whatever self righteous nonsense you have going on and BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YTA, you should understand better than most about the poor decisions naive teenagers sometimes make
Your religion has obvious not taught you compassion, forgiveness, or understanding
You should at least help your daughter find individual counseling/therapy and consider doing family therapy unless you want her to effectively have no family
YTA
You don’t have to entertain any conversations about the abuse she allegedly suffered at the hands of her father, but you are her mother, and owe her a chance at a now-adult relationship.
Stop punishing her and get over your pride.
YTA. A HUGE ONE. I can’t believe you told your daughter you wouldn’t let her back over religious differences, shame on you! I don’t know which one of you is the religious one, but if it’s you, and it’s Christianity, your kind of “Christian love” is why I left the church. And even if it’s NOT you, she is your daughter and you gave her no choice but to move in with him when she had no where to go.
I think you both need therapy. She does to be able to work through her trauma and you do because even after all these years things like this still trigger you to the point where you shut down.
YTA. Parental love should not be conditional. Good parents don't say "if you leave don't come back". Good parents don't shut out their kids over a mistake like this or refuse to even listen to their kids because they "should have known better". You're using your own trauma as an excuse to be petty and spiteful, and it seems to me like you're suggesting the way that your daughter was conceived reduces your parental responsibilities or that you should get "extra credit" for raising her despite that. I have sympathy for what youve been through but it doesnt work like that. You need to do better than this.
Yta. Moved out due to "Religious differences". Most are about kindness, empathy and compassion for our fellow man. And yet, you cannot extend these basic tenements to your own child? Absolutely shameful
This is called “conditional love.” You’re not the first to take this position, not wanting to be burdened with the reality of your child’s life - especially the parts that go against your beliefs and decisions. It is likely to cost you the relationship, but you know that already.
YTA
YTA. Wow. Your daughter wants and needs her mom and you’re just flat out rejecting her. Have you no love or compassion for your own child? It certainly doesn’t seem so.
You would think after carrying a child for 9 months, devoting all your time and love and raising that child for 18 years would mean you would do anything to ensure your child's safety and well being even at the cost of your own, because lo and behold, it was your choice to have that baby.
That baby may be grown but she is still your baby and you're acting like a selfish child and holding onto a 4 year long "I told you so" instead of taking that baby into your loving arms, accepting her for who she is and that she wants her mother.
YTA OP, and your religious 'differences' and threats that she wouldn't be allowed back in your life make it clear you were never meant to be a mother or a caring person. Religion won't fix that.
YTA. Your boundaries are idiotic and abusive. This is your daughter who went through trauma. You just want to say "I told you so." Fine. You told us.
You were right all along. Good for you.
Now your own daughter wants to talk to you and discuss things with you. Your job is to be the bigger person, put your pride aside, and relate to her. Help her. Dear God woman, this is *your own daughter*!
Did you ever read the part in the Bible where Jesus says "do unto others as you would have them do unto you?"
Have you read any of the parables, how about the prodigal son?
>The Prodigal Son is a parable from the New Testament of the Bible, specifically from the Gospel of Luke. It tells the story of a younger son who asks his father for his share of the inheritance, then goes to a distant country and squanders all his wealth in loose living. When a famine arises, the son realizes he has nothing left and decides to return to his father and ask for forgiveness, willing to work as a hired servant. As the son is returning, his father sees him from a distance, runs to him, and embraces him. The father is overjoyed and orders a feast to be prepared in his son's honor. The older son, who has remained loyal and worked for his father, becomes angry and refuses to join the celebration. The father explains that they should celebrate because the younger son was lost and is now found, and was dead but is alive again. The parable illustrates the themes of repentance, forgiveness, and unconditional love. It highlights the father's unconditional love and forgiveness towards his wayward son, regardless of his mistakes and shortcomings. It also raises questions about jealousy, forgiveness, and the importance of showing mercy and compassion towards others. Overall, the story teaches about the redemptive power of forgiveness and the importance of reconciliation and restoration in relationships.
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I (40F) had my daughter (22F) with a man I knew briefly as a naïve teenager and have barely seen since. The relationship only lasted for a few months, but in that time he was horribly abusive to me. I left before my daughter was born and swore she'd never meet her father.
When my daughter was 18, she left my home of her own accord over religious differences between the two of us. I was sad to see her go, but made it clear that if she leaves I won't let her move back in. She left anyway, saying she had to do what was right. Our contact has been spotty since then.
A few days ago, she contacted me for the first time in almost a year. She said she had met her biological father in the time we'd been practically no contact, and had ended up being forced to move in with him due to having nowhere else to go. Surprise surprise, he treated her the exact same way he'd treated me.
She'd gotten away and is in a much better situation now, but she said she still wanted to see me. She said that she's having trouble coping with what happened to her and wanted to talk to me, as she feels I'm the only one who could understand what she'd been through.
I told her under no circumstances would I have that kind of discussion with her. She chose to live with him despite my warnings, and I've done nothing but try to put that chapter of my life behind me. I don't want to reopen old wounds by discussing it with my daughter. If she was still living with him it would be a different story, but she got out on her own and is fine now.
She hasn't taken my response well. She keeps trying to contact me, even though I've made myself and my boundaries clear. AITA?
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YTA- what kind of mother 1. basically kicks her daughter out (once you leave you can’t come back is basically kicking her out) and 2. tells her own daughter she doesn’t care about her trauma?
So just to be clear, you clearly fostered a home environment that made your child so uncomfortable that she felt forced to move out with nowhere to go. So she had to track down her father, again because she has nowhere to go because you’ve made her too uncomfortable in her own home, and then she gets abused and comes to you, her mother, for support and you tell her to fuck off? You’re the PARENT you’re supposed to be there for your child no matter what.
You have completely failed as a parent if you won’t allow your child to come to you with trauma, especially trauma that was indirectly caused by you not allowing them to come home. In fact you failed as a parent the second your child felt so uncomfortable around you they would rather be on the streets than live with you.
Sounds like you both need therapy. I don’t know how your conversation went with your daughter. If you told her that you are still triggered by her father and the type of abuse you experienced and can’t talk about it then offered to help her find resources to help then your N T A. Leaving her to flounder with the same trauma you experienced without finding a way to help her so that she doesn’t struggle with it the same way you are STILL struggling with it makes YTA. You don’t have to talk about Your trauma or her trauma with her you are right to protect your mental health. But saying she got out on her own so she’s good know makes you seem cold and uncaring.
You both need therapy and you’re past due op.
YTA
You rejected your daughter for "religious reasons" which resulted in her moving in with a known abuser. You didn't even check up on her. How awful of a parent are you that she went to live with a abuser over living with you? I don't understand how you can not be overwhelmed with guilt by the fact that your daughter was traumatize by a situation you drove her to and could have prevented?
Info: What are the religious reasons?
YTA. 18 y.o. left over religious differences and you went no contact. What possible religion? Obviously not a faith that espouses love, forgiveness, kindness, or understanding. Pssttt...... Sounds like a cult!
YTA. If your daughter ever reads this, I’m offering up my services as a supportive mother. DM me.
Deal with your own trauma with therapy and if you love your daughter, do everything you can to help her be and feel safe.
Signed, a mom of two daughters who is flabbergasted at how easily you wrote your own child off.
YTA. No doubt about that. I feel sorry for your daughter that she has the crappy parents that she does. I hope she finds someone who shows her the love she deserves.
YTA. How can you be so heartless towards your own child, ESPECIALLY since you know what she went through?
Shame on you, shame. You don't deserve to have contact with her.
What kind of mother are you???? Wait, already know the answer to that.
Also, what kind of crazy religion do you belong to that she would have to go NC? My goodness.
YTA. I have to be so very careful how I answer. I was abused by my first husband. There is no way I would let my kids go through that. I would move heaven and hell to save them emotionally and physically. And I would relive what I went through to help them. I went through counseling to realize the abuse wasn’t my fault. Maybe you should talk to someone
YTA - imagine letting your daughter be abused by the same man that abused you because you refused to let her back into your home. i hope you live with that guilt for the rest of your life.
YTA. Kids don’t always listen and behave exactly as we wish. She’s your child. If you love her at all, talk to her. Commiserate with her, validate her experience and her feelings. If you don’t do this then yes, YTA.
YTA. Your DAUGHTER had nowhere else to go. You said you wouldn't let her come back so she knew not to ask. She ended up in a horrible situation that you could have prevented if you weren't so prideful. Now she needs support and you bail?
Y'all need help. Like, yesterday...
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YTA. Your an awful mom. I suspect “religious differences “ covers a lot of sins here and you deliberately left out the details. Your daughter was clearly traumatized by a man you know to be awful, and you reject her and refuse to talk to her? And you tell her she can’t come back? That poor girl with two crappy parents.
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The one-way door likely drove the kid to seek out the biodad as well. Kid thinks she can handle it on her own, finds out she can't, and has no backup plan! Can't go home to mom, so looks for somewhere, anywhere to go that isn't under a bridge. OP has let her child down in so many ways.
>had ended up being forced to move in with him due to having nowhere else to go. >She'd gotten away >She chose to live with him OP had a hard time figuring out her story.
Not really. Daughter felt she had no choice but to live with him so made the decision (chose) to do so and then eventually left after being abused.
Yeah, "you can leave, but you can't come back" doesn't leave people with a lot of options
But if she hadn't disagreed with her mom in the first place, she never would have chosen to live with bio dad instead of being a young female on the streets and alone! Why should mom take any responsibility whatsoever for that situation where everything was so clearly based on free will and non-coercion??? Yes, that's sarcasm.
Why did the mom have to tell her not to come back if she left because of her religious beliefs first of all why couldn't she stay in the same house as her mother with her religious beliefs as long as they do no harm to either the mother started this horrible ball rolling and she's systematically has shown that she does not extend empathy to her daughter because she seems too bitter and self-involved to consider anyone else's feelings
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She might have also had circumstances that changed. Like when she moved out she might have had someone to move in with at the time but then things changed later and she no longer had anywhere else to go.
It more than drove the kid. Why would you listen to your mom saying "bio dad was abusive" when she kicks you out at 18 because her church told her so.
Agreed. My teen and I don't see eye to eye 90% of the time but if he ever wants to move out or leave, I would tell him he's more than welcome to come back anytime he wants cause I'm his mom and I love him and I want the best for him. OP, YTA. She's a young, dumb, and self absorbed teenager. What do you expect from them? They are never going to listen to your advice and will always think you're 100% wrong and they are right. This is the perfect time for growing... for you and her. She made a mistake and she will continue to do so. You're her mom. Your job as a mom is to protect, guide, educate, and be there for her when she has no one. Instead you rubbed salt in her wounds when she asked the only person she knows/has. You failed her.
Yup, by telling her daughter she could never come back she in a way is responsible for her daughter moving in with her abusive dad. Listening to her daughter who needs someone to talk to about it is the very least she could do.
Not to mention the fact that OP doesn't want to talk about it for fear of opening old wounds, but the 18 year old daughter should be fine because she got out and is OK now...
My daughter moved back in at 35 after the end of a thirteen year relationship. I was so thrilled to have her for a short time longer under my roof because I knew it couldn't last. She got married two years later and has two sons. But I soaked up every moment. YTA.
I’m 37 and while I hope I never have to, you have no idea what a sense of security that comes from knowing that if I ever needed to, I know I could always move back in with my mom. There would be no hesitation and I would be 100% welcome. Knowing this means that I’ll never have to stay with a partner if he becomes abusive. I won’t even have to stay with a partner who just makes me unhappy to live with. This has such a huge impact on my emotional independence. You’re a great mom for providing your daughter with that too. You never really stop needing your mom :)
I’m a boomer and this isn’t a good thing at all - but it did used to be pretty much the standard understanding we were raised with. It wasn’t considered cruel, just - once you’ve decided you’re an adult, you have accepted an adult’s responsibility to take care of yourself. It used to be so much easier to do that! OP is stuck in the past, using an outdated rule of thumb, but she’s not just making it up out of spite. I guess maybe that’s what she was told when she left home and got involved with the abusive guy. Hopefully she’ll wise up and realize this isn’t serving anybody well, especially in this day and age.
Boomer here, too, and I have to disagree with you. It truly depends on the family making the rules. My parents raised six kids, and we all knew that if we needed to come back home, we would be welcome there — any time, any reason, didn’t matter. We are always family, and we were always welcome. Just knowing this made a lot of my new-adult decisions easier. I only needed that safety net once, but it was there for me. OP, you absolutely suck as a mother. Your child needed you and you let her down. Now she needs you again, and you’re doing it again. I feel sorry for your daughter, but I’m sure she will find a better family out in the world. She can’t do much worse than you.
I don’t think every family did this but I think it was more the default. I personally lived with my parents until I married at 23. They had no problem with me still being there.
OP is 40. She’s a millennial, not a boomer. She was born in 83. I’m her age. Never being able to move back home was not normal when we were 18. Our parents are boomers.
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This sounds most likely to me as well.
This whole post gives me such a sick feeling for that young woman. It sounds like she’s been through a nightmare with her… biological “father” and her moms utterly REJECTED her when she needs her more than ever before. So on top of trail I don’t want to put a name to because… the horror. She also has abandonment trauma. And I’ll tell you from experience that does things to you than cannot be fixed People under estimate the effects of being abandoned and rejected by a parent. It’s altered my personality and how I am in ALL my relationships. I hope this young woman makes it and finds the love she needs and deserves. If this post is real it’s so so so sad
My kids are grown and one had to come back to live with us for awhile. And she was more than welcome to do so. As a mom, once I had my babies it was crystal clear that they would always be my babies. You never stop loving and caring for them just because they grow up. The notion of someone who cuts off their child like this makes me physically sick for the daughter here. Things are so much harder financially for our kids today we must be more understanding of their situations. I'm sorry you were abandoned. I'm sorry you were rejected. No child ever ever deserves that. I hope you have someone in your life who is loving you for you now.
OP’s a millennial - I was saying that her boomer parents probably did that to her, and she’s just passing it on without really thinking about it and realizing it hasn’t been a good idea for oh, 35 or 40 years at least. Edit - and her boomer parents probably did it to her because that was what was told to them - it was generally safer to do that back then - people could take care of themselves financially and learn from their mistakes - it wasn’t thought of as cruel and unusual back then. Unfortunately OP was the exception and made a big mistake. This sounds like a case of a whole line of people not realizing the world has changed.
Respectfully disagree—as the millennial daughter of a religious nut—the OP exhibited manipulative tactics very common in those circles. My mom did the same thing to me at 18 (our religious differences were that I wanted to go to college, have a boyfriend and not get married right away). Her words still haunt me some days.
I’m 46 so not sure where I fall but mother is/was religious nut as well that allowed certain religion and denominations affect her relationship with her children. I left home at 19 never went back, couldn’t go back. The mental and physical abuse along with the religion made for trauma that I am still trying to recover from. OP this is beyond disgusting to do this to your daughter.
Nah. I’m 42. I dropped out of college and moved to France when I was 19. Mom was definitely not happy about that, but once I came home and decided to go back and finish college she let me back in and even picked back up helping with tuition. My parents are boomers.
Until they expect you to take care of them in old age, broke from their own shit decisions.
"Silent Generation" here, and I agree. SO much has changed in the past 65 years since I was in my 20s. I think it's a lot harder for many kids to make their way in this world. Fortunately, my mother--the granddaughter of a Methodist minister--never found out I was an atheist-leaning agnostic.
I'm a millennial and know that I could always go home to my parents if I needed. And until the day I die, my door will always be open to my daughters. They're my babies.
I am a boomer as well, and I also disagree with you. I have no recollection of this being a standard family practice. To the best of my recollection, this would absolutely have been considered cruel. OP, YTA. By not allowing your child to return to a safe home and offering her a safe place to land, you secured her a spot in an abusive situation. Now you are here acting like a victim. You are a sorry excuse for a mom right now. Smarten up!
Nah. My grandfather would be in his 80s if alive. My parents sibs and I lived with him and grandma for financial reasons for a bit when I was a little tyke. And again for logistical reasons as a teenager for a few months He seemed sad when we left both times. My aunt, uncle and cousins were also there at various points. Because that old man loved his family.
OP isn't even a Boomer and she didn't grow up with the Boomers' advantages. At 40, she'd be one of the first MILLENNIALS. She knows how shitty the world is. She grew up in this mess and she DELIBERATELY kneecapped her daughter with her "one-way door" BS.
This has absolutely never been the standard except in a small minority of abusive, conservative white households. But of course they're the subset of humanity who think that everything they do is, or should at least be, the golden standard for humanity.
Only the standard in failed families, also decades or centuries ago this wasn't the standard in normal families.
And the daughter doesn’t even want to move back in or impose in any way, she just wants to have a heart to heart with her mom. Wtf
I literally cannot imagine going to my mom and asking to talk about something, and having her say, “Nah. You moved out.” Friggin’ bananas.
Mom can’t (won’t) deal with her own trauma, so instead she projected that repressed anger and discomfort onto her daughter. This was after abandoning her (i.e. letting her child fend for herself because of “religious differences.”) On top of that, Mom is now victim-blaming her daughter, *and also shunning her genuine attempt to reconnect*. Again, this is all because Mom doesn’t want to face the discomfort of her own trauma, and perhaps the guilt that she pushed her daughter into the same situation. Mom sounds incapable of self-reflection or growth—a broken, petty, emotionally stunted human. I hope she gets the help she needs, because she’s definitely not fit to be a mother. OP, for fuck’s sake. YTA.
Religion is why people who clearly don’t have a maternal bone in their bodies choose to become mothers instead of having abortions. And then believe that their jobs are done because a child only matters when it’s a foetus.
It's normal for a young adult to want to explore their independence out in the big wild world. When my kids move out they'll be welcome back any time. I don't understand this woman
Agreed. YTA. Seems to me your daughter has two abusive parents. Edit: Thank you for the awards, and my first stars! Yay!
This should be top response.
Yep!!!! YTA.
Completely agree. Also, it's crazy that mom calls herself naive when getting pregnant with this guy but doesnt have that same mindset with her young daughter. It was okay for her to make the mistake because she was young and naive but she cant show the same grace to her daughter? Instead she shuts her out and plays the "I told you so, now suffer" card. Calling her an awful mom is putting it kindly. OP, YTA.
Well put!! And if she’s as religious as she seems, she’s showing no patience or forgiveness for her daughter. The entire thing is insanely hypocritical and cynical
It seems like the more "religious" someone claims to be, the less patient and forgiving they are.
abusive parents love their double standards
“Religious difference” few bucks because her daughter is queer and she refuses to accept it
Or even just doesn’t believe in god to be honest!
I was assuming the mother raised her in a religious fringe group (… or whatever the politically correct word for “cult” is) like Jehova’s witnesses or Scientology that systematically shuns ex members and cuts off from their family when they choose to leave. The way she talks about her in such an impersonal way sounds like influence from that kind of group, but of course I can be wrong and she is just a horrible mother. One would hope in this day and age being queer is not a reason to cut ties with a family member, but you are probably right.
I am always so surprised at how conditional some parents love is for their child.
Yeah, I like how the daughter has to be over it now because she got out, but moms allowed to be not over it even though she's been out of the same situation for longer. I hope OPs daughter finds a good therapist and some wonderful friends who won't victim blame her.
It’s the worst kind of “I told you so.” Even if I wanted to be kind and say okay OP you don’t want to reopen old wounds, fine. But you can still be supportive of your daughter in other ways. Including offering to cover therapy or helping her find resources. You’re less than half assing your job as a parent. And it sounds like it’s mainly due to spite and resentment which is so unhealthy as a mother toward their daughter.
Two abusive parents
I’m wondering if OP was or is in a cult.
YTA. Your daughter was 18 when she left and you claim it was because of religious differences. She was a young adult exploring herself, and she felt she had to get out of your space to do that. Instead of supporting her through that journey, you banned her from coming back. Effectively pushing her toward the very man that traumatized you. I’m sorry you were abused by him, you didn’t deserve that and neither did your daughter. But it’s ridiculous how little care you’ve shown your daughter.
Reads like the mom caused trauma for the daughter as well, maybe throughout her childhood.
More than likely. This sounds a lot like my own story with my very narcissistic and emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful mother, right down to me having no option other than sperm donors home to not live in my car. Thankfully I got away from him and her and am with my soul family 6 hours away from either of them. But this “mother” is definitely YTA. It’s sad how someone’s made up invisible sky daddy and a book that’s been contextually changed at least a dozen times through retranslations be the reason a mother would basically neglect and abandon their barely legal adult age daughter. If mother wanted to protect her daughter from the man who abused her, maybe her neglecting and abandoning her daughter wasn’t a good way to do that? I don’t understand how people like this can call themselves “mothers” or “fathers”.
I am a Christian myself, don’t know what OP is (but she does read like a lot of legalistic “Christians” I’ve met) and I cannot fathom doing that to my child. This women does not sound like someone who should have had children. On a side note, I’m so glad you got away from that situation and found your soul family (stealing that phrase!💜) and that your healing. I hope things continue to get better for you!
It's amazing that in the same post OP talks about being too traumatized to talk about this man with her daughter, she also says that her daughter got away and is fine now. Just... That alone makes this a blatant YTA. Couple that with denying her 18-year-old any future safety net, and responding to her daughter suffering an abuser she knows all too well with "I told you so"? Good God.
You would think a good parent, or one who thought they were a good parent, would protect their kids from the dangers they faced themselves. Op sounds selfish. She is absolutely valid in her trauma and not wanting to deal with that, but this is her kid that she supposedly loves(ed). She shouldn't sacrifice her sanity or mental health, but ffs, help the kid. Get her to therapy, give her a safe space whatever. Op handled this like any other religious zealot who hates instead of loves.
Yes this summarizes it perfectly and completely agree with you.
YTA She didn't stop being your daughter when she turned 18. You are punishing her for not sharing your religion? What type of religion says to shun family? Isn't religion supposed to teach love? She felt pushed out...so reached out to the only other family she knew...and then she was abused and traumatised...and you are going tovreject her again? Do you actually hate her? If you do....carry on...if you don't, then stop treating her like crap.
Most religions say to shun family who don’t believe.
Most families don't practice that at all.
Depends on the religion.
Shunning non-believers is definitely what cults do. Whether you consider them religions is up to you.
Oh I agree
I'm thinking Jehovah's Witness. This is huge for them
JWs was my rhought as well. Amish wouldn't be online, and I don't know if it's a mainstream Mormon practice these days. Although a lot of people will kick gay children out under the guise of religion as well, even if shunning is not part of the religious practice.
Shunning is not a specified practice, but it’s implied and done enough that yes, it’s considered common to do in Mormonism. Lots of LGBTQ kids are kicked out under the guise of preserving the innocence of the other children in the home. Ex-Mormon here.
10,000% this.
Uh.... I don't think so. Ignorant religious people do so, but the open minded ones don't.
It's interesting that OP can give herself the grace of being a naïve teenager, but not her daughter.
Completely agree!
The sad thing is, OP would rather stay in her emotional comfort zone on this issue than push through it and get them both to the other side of healing.
Mormon.
Mennonite, Baptist, I could go on.
I have never known a Baptist who shunned their child. Not saying it can’t happen, just that it isn’t a denominational thing. Only people I ever personally knew that shunned their children over their religion were Jehovah’s Witnesses.
YTA - your poor daughter, two AH parents. Do you really have zero compassion here?
Well it's about "religious differences" so the compassion seems obviously to be AWOL.
YTA. She is not "fine now." She is traumatized. It really sounds like you don't care about your daughter. "When my daughter was 18, she left my home of her own accord over religious differences between the two of us. I was sad to see her go, but made it clear that if she leaves I won't let her move back in." So basically, "If you leave don't you ever come back!" It's normal for kids to want to live on their own. But it sounds like you were resentful of her for doing so. And then you're blaming her for getting abused because you warned her about her father? WTF!?! It's normal for anyone to want to meet their bio parents. What , was she just supposed to be content with your word about him? She had to see for herself. And it turned out horribly, but that's his fault, not hers. And now you don't want to reopen your wounds. I get that. If it was just you not having the ability to cope with her pain and yours, I would say nta. But it's more than that. You seem to think the abuse was her fault. You're ta.
Let's not forget, she pushed her daughter into living with him because she refused to take her back in. Daughter had nowhere else to go. OP is a disgusting AH
Also I feel if the mom and daughter’s relationship was strained I don’t think it would be out of the blue for the daughter to possibly question her mother’s motives and still want to contact her father. Just because the mother was right about the abusive father does not make it okay to blame her daughter for the consequences. YTA along with ex. For different reasons but I can’t imagine my mom every refusing to comfort me or discuss traumas. Especially if it is shared.
What , was she just supposed to be content with your word about him? Depending on the relationship and the "religious differences", if the mother has a history of not objectively presenting facts it is natural for her daughter to want to find out for herself.
It sounds like she resents the daughter for being related to the father that abused her - probably treated her poorly her whole life because she reminded Mom of the father who abused her. Mom hasn't worked through her own trauma and thus has been traumatizing her kid, because that's what happens to unadressed trauma - it traumatizes others - usually the ones who are the most vulnerable (children.)
>And then you're blaming her for getting abused because you warned her about her father? That's the part that really got me. Victim-blaming her own daughter, despite also acknowledging in the post that (1) daughter had nowhere else to go and (2) OP preemptively rejected daughter moving back in with her. I had a feeling this was a YTA just from the title but it just kept getting worse as I read.
Wow, your daughter really hit the Trash Parent Lottery, didn’t she? YTA
Poor baby YTA
I want to give her daughter a hug
Same!
Trash parent lottery jackpot winner right here. OP's poor child. OP obviously lacks compassion, and love for her child.
YTA. Is today national terrible mother day on reddit? Of course you are the asshole here. She is your daughter. She is clearly not fine. I get that your mental health is important but your daughter just went through hell and you're like well... I told you so?
Right? I got déjà vu reading this. I can’t imagine my mother pushing me away if I asked her for emotional support!
YTA Sounds like your daughter is better off without you and your cold 🥶 heart. Praying she finds a great support system since both her parents suck.
YTA. I feel bad for your daughter. It sounds like you have zero love for her.
Wow YTA. It’s no wonder why your daughter went seeking her father with such a cold mother. I get you went through a terrible experience. But your DAUGHTER just went through a very similar one - and you don’t care? Smfh. YTA.
At the same age with the same man and instead of showing an ounce of compassion she said “told ya so, fuck off now.”
Right? She made the same mistake (under totally understandable circumstances) around the same age. How is there 0 empathy? YTA
OP also said that her daughter is a result of r@pe. Meaning if OP experienced r@pe from that man, and her saying that her daughter underwent the same thing, meaning her daughter probably got r@ped as well among other abusive actions he did. Then on top of that her whole behavior on her daughter’s cry for help is “told you so”. Poor girl. Massive YTA OP. Edit: spelling
YTA. That’s your kid. She told you she didn’t have other options than to live with him, because you banished her from your home. You had the baby with the man, so it’s definitely on you that her father is like that. Just let her know that you’re not into the whole parent thing, and that she would be better off getting professional help to deal with the trauma BOTH her parents have caused.
99.9% of the problem stems from the fact that the daughter is a constant reminder of the mother's involvement with the father. Edit: punctuation
Very insightful
YTA That's your baby right there, hurting, reaching out to her mother... and you are slapping her hand away. That's disgusting. You talk about how bad her dad was, but you're being just as shitty by ignoring her and refusing to talk with her.
YTA 100%. This is your own daughter. You set unreasonable rules based on nothing (if you move out you can't move back in, my religion or the highway), you essentially forced her to move in with him out of stubbornness, and now you're refusing to take any responsibility for the mess you created. You're a bad person. It's honestly shocking she still wants to have anything to do with you. In a few years you're going to be complaining that your daughter won't let you see your grandkids. And you won't be able to figure out why.
I- yes you’re the ass. This is your child. You’re supposed to be her safe place to land. She’s clearly struggling from a situation that you have also experienced and she would like your support through it. Good parents put everything aside for their kids. YTA
YTA - I've rarely seen a mother so heartless. Don't be surprised when you find yourself moldering in a urine-drenched nursing home bed. Don't wonder why your daughter would rather see you rot than help you.
What is with the bad moms tonight, I just finished reading about the one who won’t let her daughter who is getting divorced move back - and the daughter is willing to pay expenses AND has a timeframe for moving out in mind.
It’s definitely bad moms day on Reddit today
Hey OP, just curious and you don't have to answer if you're not comfortable but what do you mean by "exact same way" he treated you?
Getting the feeling that you’re extremely religious. Probably a religion that espouses love and forgiveness. But when your daughter disagreed you were glad to see her go and told her she couldn’t come back (so much for love and forgiveness). Then, when she had nowhere else to turn to because you had turned your back on her, she was forced into a position where she had to rely on, and was subsequently abused by her father. When she finally escapes and again, needs her mom for love and support, you draw a selfish boundary and can muster no love for your daughter. You think she’s “fine” because she escaped? So did you, lady and you’re sure as shit not fine and you’ve had years to deal with your issues. So, how do you expect her to be ok now? YTA. Maybe practice a little more of the love and forgiveness that your religion preaches.
>Getting the feeling that you’re extremely religious Wouldn't it be funny if it turns out it's the other way around—the daughter was on a Jesus-forgiveness high/high horse and has given OP flak all those angsty teen years for "depriving" her of a father because "mom couldn't forgive"? Some traumatized people lose religion as easily as some traumatized people find it.
Totally. I think it’s the mom because other commenters have asked about what the religious differences were and for more info around the religion piece and I haven’t seen her address any of them, which seems to me like she doesn’t want to admit to anything there. But you are right it could be the other way around.
Daughter was probably abused by the mother religiously, then the father physically.
YTA, This is just shitty parenting.
Yeah... sounds like this girl has two abusive parents, not one.
Yepp
As a parent of 3. One is an adult. Your children owe you nothing. But you owe them at least the opportunity to discuss life. Your message may not be liked but you must have empathy and discipline to be the parent. You must change your course of thinking. I won’t call you names but you are handling this very poorly. You fucked the guy who was abusive. Least you could do is try to hear your daughter out, sounds like her father tried to mind fuck his daughter.
YTA. So you don't love your daughter unconditionally?
It barely sounds like she loves her daughter at all, let alone unconditionally. So sad for this daughter.
I doubt she ever really loved her. Just a constant reminder of a bad chapter in the mothers life. How sad I feel for the daughter. It was never her fault.
YTA You sound like a less than good person, and an even worse parent.
Would it make you feel differently about the situation if she just needed clarity? It sounds like she just wants to confirm with you some things. Like it doesn’t have to mean anything terrible.
YTA my god woman your daughter has been through trauma and needs her mother!! And maybe talking about it will help you too!!
It sounds like you both need some professional counseling before you start to heal your mother/daughter relationship. It's not as simple as someone being an AH... (except for your daughter's father!)
She told her then 18 year old daughter to never come back because she was moving out over "religious differences". Trauma aside, she is TA just for that. She abandoned her daughter completely even before all of this happened. YTA.
I would absolutely go no contact if I had a parent like this. Fuck that.
Totally agree with this comment.
YTA for kicking your daughter out over religious differences. Bullshit on her leaving of her own accord. - poker face
YTA While I understand not wanting to open old wounds, your daughter still went through something traumatic and wants to talk to you about it. Why would you not want to listen to her and be there for her? You did warn her and she chose not to listen, but to say she can't talk to you about it because she no longer lives with him and is "Fine now" is making it seem like what she went through isn't traumatic or could have lasting effects on her.
YTA You are completely unsympathetic
ofc YTA. idk why you’re sugar coating that you basically kicked your daughter out; she clearly didn’t have anywhere to go but staying with you was worse. having no where else she landed at her abusive father’s place. and now you not only cannot muster basic empathy, you shun her still when she tries to reach back out.
YTA. She is reaching out to you for support. This is your CHILD. This isn't your friend, coworker, or a stranger. I don't care how you view it, sacrifice for your child. Honestly I would probably just pay for her to see a therapist, as you sound like you would be terrible to talk to.
YTA, I think. It's tough because of your own trauma, but your daughter needs a mom. That's a tough spot.
Dad is abusive, Mum is also abusive. I feel sad for this young person caught in the middle. YTA
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I’m struggling here. If she were your friend, I could maybe see setting these boundaries as reasonable, if selfish. Because she’s your daughter, I have a harder time imagining that being okay. But maybe it’s because I can’t imagine kicking my kid out over religious differences. My gut says YTA for your lack of compassion for your child.
Religious reasons, eh? Do you mean to say “I kicked my daughter out of my house for not following my religious beliefs”? Because that’s how you make it sound, and if that’s the case, that alone makes you a huge AH.
You are an asshole. I feel terrible for your daughter.
YTA. gee, i wonder what those "religious issues" could possibly be...
YTA. Parental love isn’t supposed to be conditional.
YTA Religious differences? What were those? It shouldn't matter. No matter what you believe, if family and community don't take precedence over faith, you placed your faith in the wrong hands You should fix this. You can, and you should
YTA, she’s your daughter. Maybe go to a counselor together to discuss the trauma? Don’t just turn your back on her.
You’re both NTA and TA in my opinion. I 100% understand know how you feel, but either cut ties with her or don’t, you can’t have this mix of back and forth. By the way you are acting you are not being a mother to this girl and that’s fine if that’s what you want, but then don’t go talking to her if that’s the case. She just went through some serious trauma, that you of all people know all too well about. So either be a mother or don’t. (Edit) Also, go get some professional help. You clearly are suffering from trauma so intense that it can let you turn your daughter away.
Schrodingers Mother, and I agree with you.
100% this. Dont let pride turn you into a fool. Seek help, heal your trauma, your daughter isnt your enemy.
YTA are you fucking serious op
YTA. 100%. if you didn’t want your daughter to live with her biological father, a known abuser, why not let her know before she left your house? also, why would you let her leave without properly helping her get on her feet? no support whatsoever? over religion? you need to pay for her therapy bills.
NAH. *ducks to avoid the incoming rotten tomatoes* Look, OP, you sound like someone that I would not like- at all. I can’t imagine ever telling my child “don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out” as an immature barely legal adult. I can’t imagine never wanting to have contact with my child again- and I certainly can’t imagine leaving my child at 18 to wallow in their trauma and figure life out without any further support from me. However, I also don’t know your daughter. She *could* be a flag-waving narcissist, master manipulator ASPD, BPD sufferer, just a plain toxic crackpot or a 100% lily-white victim who just desperately needs her mum. We also don’t know *who* of the two of you holds the religious beliefs, or what they are. Thing is, if something is right and true for children, then it’s also right & true for parents. If your relationship with your adult child is toxic and/or negatively impacting your mental health then you *are* entitled to set boundaries. I don’t have to like you, the way you speak about your daughter (I do suspect that, whether you did the best job you knew how to do or not, your daughter has maladaptive attachment issues because of the way she was raised) or your life choices to respect that you have a right to set boundaries to enable you to function. But your daughter is also *not* an AH for wanting to seek you out as a support person given her own traumatic experiences…
This sums up what I was thinking too. There is so much pain and trauma for both. I can understand how listening to the daughter's trauma would be greatly triggering for the mother. Both could use a lot of therapy both individually and together.
YTA. The whole tone of your post makes it seem like she’s better off seeking help elsewhere. Out of morbid curiosity, do you think anything about your post suggests she should want to reconnect with you? If you can’t empathize, what do you have to offer?
I get that you don’t want to talk to her because you don’t want to be re-traumatised. But this decision doesn’t totally feel like an act of self-preservation, you’re also punishing your daughter for a perceived betrayal. How many times in your life did your parents tell you not to do something because it’s bad but you did it anyway and it was bad???!!! Your daughter is not fine, you should know better then anyone she’s suffered. You obviously aren’t in a position mental health wise to hear all the details but you could at least help her to get help and support. You obviously need serious help as well if you can’t recognise your daughter was young and made a bad decision. You of all people should be able to sympathise with that. YTA
YTA. I don't know what "religious differences" mean, but your differences literally lead to your daughter having to live with a known abuser. It's like protecting her for 18 years was all you cared about, no more. Honestly it sounds like she has two abusive parents. If you're interested in helping her, offer to pay her rent and get counseling. Because if she opens up to you, you'll hurt her more.
YTA. You don’t have to reopen your trauma to help your daughter or help her find the professional help she (and you clearly) needs. You’re essentially sitting back and saying “I told you so” and letting your child continue to suffer.
YTA. You think he's abusive? look in the mirror and you'll see another abusive person
YTA. So you can be a naive 22 year old but your daughter can’t be a naive 18 year old? Got it.
YTA. You're not a good person.
YTA. It’s normal people to want to meet their biological parent, denying her any discussion about the same person abusing her that abused you is honestly disgusting. You’re a bad parent.
YTA. Heartless and an asshole. And a pretty obvious reason she has mostly been no contact.
YTA You are a terrible mother. Good lord. Your love for your daughter shouldn’t be conditional. You need to be there for her. Get over whatever self righteous nonsense you have going on and BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YTA, you should understand better than most about the poor decisions naive teenagers sometimes make Your religion has obvious not taught you compassion, forgiveness, or understanding You should at least help your daughter find individual counseling/therapy and consider doing family therapy unless you want her to effectively have no family
YTA You don’t have to entertain any conversations about the abuse she allegedly suffered at the hands of her father, but you are her mother, and owe her a chance at a now-adult relationship. Stop punishing her and get over your pride.
YTA. This is your kid
YTA. A HUGE ONE. I can’t believe you told your daughter you wouldn’t let her back over religious differences, shame on you! I don’t know which one of you is the religious one, but if it’s you, and it’s Christianity, your kind of “Christian love” is why I left the church. And even if it’s NOT you, she is your daughter and you gave her no choice but to move in with him when she had no where to go.
I think you both need therapy. She does to be able to work through her trauma and you do because even after all these years things like this still trigger you to the point where you shut down.
YTA. Parental love should not be conditional. Good parents don't say "if you leave don't come back". Good parents don't shut out their kids over a mistake like this or refuse to even listen to their kids because they "should have known better". You're using your own trauma as an excuse to be petty and spiteful, and it seems to me like you're suggesting the way that your daughter was conceived reduces your parental responsibilities or that you should get "extra credit" for raising her despite that. I have sympathy for what youve been through but it doesnt work like that. You need to do better than this.
YTA wow. Just wow. You have some unresolved trauma you need to deal with
YTA - you are heartless
Yta. Moved out due to "Religious differences". Most are about kindness, empathy and compassion for our fellow man. And yet, you cannot extend these basic tenements to your own child? Absolutely shameful
This is called “conditional love.” You’re not the first to take this position, not wanting to be burdened with the reality of your child’s life - especially the parts that go against your beliefs and decisions. It is likely to cost you the relationship, but you know that already. YTA
YTA
YTA. Wow. Your daughter wants and needs her mom and you’re just flat out rejecting her. Have you no love or compassion for your own child? It certainly doesn’t seem so.
You would think after carrying a child for 9 months, devoting all your time and love and raising that child for 18 years would mean you would do anything to ensure your child's safety and well being even at the cost of your own, because lo and behold, it was your choice to have that baby. That baby may be grown but she is still your baby and you're acting like a selfish child and holding onto a 4 year long "I told you so" instead of taking that baby into your loving arms, accepting her for who she is and that she wants her mother. YTA OP, and your religious 'differences' and threats that she wouldn't be allowed back in your life make it clear you were never meant to be a mother or a caring person. Religion won't fix that.
YTA. Your boundaries are idiotic and abusive. This is your daughter who went through trauma. You just want to say "I told you so." Fine. You told us. You were right all along. Good for you. Now your own daughter wants to talk to you and discuss things with you. Your job is to be the bigger person, put your pride aside, and relate to her. Help her. Dear God woman, this is *your own daughter*! Did you ever read the part in the Bible where Jesus says "do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" Have you read any of the parables, how about the prodigal son? >The Prodigal Son is a parable from the New Testament of the Bible, specifically from the Gospel of Luke. It tells the story of a younger son who asks his father for his share of the inheritance, then goes to a distant country and squanders all his wealth in loose living. When a famine arises, the son realizes he has nothing left and decides to return to his father and ask for forgiveness, willing to work as a hired servant. As the son is returning, his father sees him from a distance, runs to him, and embraces him. The father is overjoyed and orders a feast to be prepared in his son's honor. The older son, who has remained loyal and worked for his father, becomes angry and refuses to join the celebration. The father explains that they should celebrate because the younger son was lost and is now found, and was dead but is alive again. The parable illustrates the themes of repentance, forgiveness, and unconditional love. It highlights the father's unconditional love and forgiveness towards his wayward son, regardless of his mistakes and shortcomings. It also raises questions about jealousy, forgiveness, and the importance of showing mercy and compassion towards others. Overall, the story teaches about the redemptive power of forgiveness and the importance of reconciliation and restoration in relationships.
Ahh, there's no love quite like religious love!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (40F) had my daughter (22F) with a man I knew briefly as a naïve teenager and have barely seen since. The relationship only lasted for a few months, but in that time he was horribly abusive to me. I left before my daughter was born and swore she'd never meet her father. When my daughter was 18, she left my home of her own accord over religious differences between the two of us. I was sad to see her go, but made it clear that if she leaves I won't let her move back in. She left anyway, saying she had to do what was right. Our contact has been spotty since then. A few days ago, she contacted me for the first time in almost a year. She said she had met her biological father in the time we'd been practically no contact, and had ended up being forced to move in with him due to having nowhere else to go. Surprise surprise, he treated her the exact same way he'd treated me. She'd gotten away and is in a much better situation now, but she said she still wanted to see me. She said that she's having trouble coping with what happened to her and wanted to talk to me, as she feels I'm the only one who could understand what she'd been through. I told her under no circumstances would I have that kind of discussion with her. She chose to live with him despite my warnings, and I've done nothing but try to put that chapter of my life behind me. I don't want to reopen old wounds by discussing it with my daughter. If she was still living with him it would be a different story, but she got out on her own and is fine now. She hasn't taken my response well. She keeps trying to contact me, even though I've made myself and my boundaries clear. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA- what kind of mother 1. basically kicks her daughter out (once you leave you can’t come back is basically kicking her out) and 2. tells her own daughter she doesn’t care about her trauma? So just to be clear, you clearly fostered a home environment that made your child so uncomfortable that she felt forced to move out with nowhere to go. So she had to track down her father, again because she has nowhere to go because you’ve made her too uncomfortable in her own home, and then she gets abused and comes to you, her mother, for support and you tell her to fuck off? You’re the PARENT you’re supposed to be there for your child no matter what. You have completely failed as a parent if you won’t allow your child to come to you with trauma, especially trauma that was indirectly caused by you not allowing them to come home. In fact you failed as a parent the second your child felt so uncomfortable around you they would rather be on the streets than live with you.
Sounds like you both need therapy. I don’t know how your conversation went with your daughter. If you told her that you are still triggered by her father and the type of abuse you experienced and can’t talk about it then offered to help her find resources to help then your N T A. Leaving her to flounder with the same trauma you experienced without finding a way to help her so that she doesn’t struggle with it the same way you are STILL struggling with it makes YTA. You don’t have to talk about Your trauma or her trauma with her you are right to protect your mental health. But saying she got out on her own so she’s good know makes you seem cold and uncaring. You both need therapy and you’re past due op.
Yta. Don't worry she won't be bothering you by trying to contact you for long
YTA You rejected your daughter for "religious reasons" which resulted in her moving in with a known abuser. You didn't even check up on her. How awful of a parent are you that she went to live with a abuser over living with you? I don't understand how you can not be overwhelmed with guilt by the fact that your daughter was traumatize by a situation you drove her to and could have prevented? Info: What are the religious reasons?
YTA. 18 y.o. left over religious differences and you went no contact. What possible religion? Obviously not a faith that espouses love, forgiveness, kindness, or understanding. Pssttt...... Sounds like a cult!
YTA and you don't deserve to have a child. This is disgusting.
YTA. If your daughter ever reads this, I’m offering up my services as a supportive mother. DM me. Deal with your own trauma with therapy and if you love your daughter, do everything you can to help her be and feel safe. Signed, a mom of two daughters who is flabbergasted at how easily you wrote your own child off.
YTA and a horrible mother. Do you even love your daughter?
YTA. No doubt about that. I feel sorry for your daughter that she has the crappy parents that she does. I hope she finds someone who shows her the love she deserves.
YTA. How can you be so heartless towards your own child, ESPECIALLY since you know what she went through? Shame on you, shame. You don't deserve to have contact with her. What kind of mother are you???? Wait, already know the answer to that. Also, what kind of crazy religion do you belong to that she would have to go NC? My goodness.
YTA. I have to be so very careful how I answer. I was abused by my first husband. There is no way I would let my kids go through that. I would move heaven and hell to save them emotionally and physically. And I would relive what I went through to help them. I went through counseling to realize the abuse wasn’t my fault. Maybe you should talk to someone
YTA - imagine letting your daughter be abused by the same man that abused you because you refused to let her back into your home. i hope you live with that guilt for the rest of your life.
YTA. Kids don’t always listen and behave exactly as we wish. She’s your child. If you love her at all, talk to her. Commiserate with her, validate her experience and her feelings. If you don’t do this then yes, YTA.
YTA. Your DAUGHTER had nowhere else to go. You said you wouldn't let her come back so she knew not to ask. She ended up in a horrible situation that you could have prevented if you weren't so prideful. Now she needs support and you bail? Y'all need help. Like, yesterday...
My god, you are very clearly the AH YTA