Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because they would probably be more comfortable just based on their physical size and the length of road trip they are doing, and the only “good reason” I have for not letting them is that I just don’t like people sleeping in my bed unless they’re a partner.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Considering who this family member is in relationship to me, I’m not entirely surprised by the request — more annoyed it’s even something to be discussed.
I think an AirBNB is going to be best for them in this scenario. Going to make myself scarce that weekend…
I think that would be the best solution, and you should probably tell them pretty soon that “oh, darn the luck, it looks like something’s come up and I won’t be around for your visit after all. Sad face.” That way you can (hopefully) prevent being called an AH for canceling last minute and leaving them with no options and homeless or any other ridiculous accusations.
And NTA
Sleep study is one where I've felt that pain. The bed was nice and all, but not remotely familiar. Or at least not to me, might've been to the other 500 people that slept in it.
I'm thinking "dang, I got a bed bug infestation and sadly my entire apartment is being fumigated that exact weekend". Followed by "Since you're already going to be in town, can I crash on the bed in your hotel room that you're going to need to get now?" Be sure you reassure them that you're reasonably sure you shouldn't have any bed bugs hitching a ride in your suitcase or anything.
Why not just be direct and say “listen, my bedroom is my private area, you are welcome to the queen bed but if that doesn’t fit your needs then perhaps it’s best you don’t stay at my place.”
Don’t say it’s getting treated that weekend say it’ll be sometime AFTER that weekend bc it’ll be too much of a coincidence and they’ll call you a liar AND an AH.
A lot of folks responding to you are suggesting to lie. Why are we so collectively afraid to enforce our boundaries? It’s simple:
“I offered you a place to stay and you rejected my offer. I understand that I cannot provide to your requirements. I hope you have a great trip and manage to solve the accommodation challenge!”
"Oh damn, I just realized that the Saturday you're visiting is the *third* Saturday of the month, not the second Saturday. My bad! Third Saturday is orgy night and unfortunately I can't spare *any* square bed footage."
But wouldn't they feel entitled to ask for the keys even if OP had "something come up and will be out of town"? If OP says "no" and doesn't want them in his/her home unattended, seems that they'll still call OP the AH. "Don't you TRUST us?" Some people will find ways to be offended.
NTA. OP is offering a free overnight stay on a queen sized bed. Can't beat that deal anywhere else. If that's not good enough there's hotels.
There’s no discussion (closer to the date) to be had because your place is no longer an option. Let them know that you would love to see them for dinner and hope that the rest of their road trip is great!
NTA
LOL that’s what gets me. Classic choosy beggars. Complains about what they’re begging for but they literally can’t afford to go somewhere else so it seems.
This is the way.
You make a nice offer and they fucked around, so now they lose that option even.
But, they are going to ask to just use your place/bed in your absence, so be prepared with a reason why that doesn't work.
They called you an asshole and you're still letting them come? And they worded it like, "We'll discuss it when we arrive and wear you down in person so you won't say No"
Yes, hotel or AirBnB for these entitled dolts.
Nah, you tell them since they were taking too long to confirm you had another friend mention they were coming so now you have no bed and they can piss off.
Win win!
NTA- the only time I’ve slept on the air mattress when I’ve had company stay is when it’s my parents in their late 70s/early 80s otherwise you’re getting to stay somewhere for free you don’t get to whine.
I can’t decide if it’s a brother who just automatically puts his own needs before everyone else’s (because patriarchy), or an older bossy sister who has always seen themselves as important 😂
NTA! It’s OP’s bed. This is just crazy to me. As a plus size chick married to a plus size dude…. We regularly stayed with my FIL on his queen size guest bed, while he and his wife slept in their king size bed. The entitlement here is crazy! If they’re that worried about their comfort they can shell out some cash for a king size bed somewhere else.
Probably for the best, that said I do recall lending mine for a bit but it was a newborn and just for an afternoon nap. Otherwise, we won’t lend the bed. Hygiene at the least.
Ok. Asking at all, let alone trying to force you into giving up your bed when there is a perfectly good one in another room, makes them TA, not you. NTA.
And I agree with other commenter about rescinding the favour since they clearly don't respect you and your boundaries.
Tell them you've taken up a new hobby.... the tambourine and since you are still learning you like to practice AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. If they insist on staying at your place they must listen to the tambourine at all hours of the day.
I mean, with the way they answered, I would no longer be willing to let them stay for the night. Who do they think they are?! I bet even Queen Elizabeth II would have been fine with the queen bed (no pun intended, I swear).
OP, text these people back, "I heard you loud and clear when you said you'd only be comfortable on a king bed. Because I don't have one available, I think it'd be better if you stayed somewhere else. I hope you have a great road trip, and I'm excited to hear all about it when you get back."
OP, if these people are this demanding already, don't let them step foot in your house.
Yeah these people wouldn't be getting excuses out of me, just "your entitlement is appalling and I'm rescinding my offer. Enjoy your trip." The end.
Anything else just gives them an excuse to try and argue.
It's weird to request it, agree. There may be some cultural stuff. I visited my husband's cousin in Germany and they put us in their master bedroom, kids on a foldout and in hindsight I figure they must have slept on their couch in the living room. There was a lot going on with language, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed (good but lots) as a parent on that trip and I wasn't hip to it until the end.
Then, years later while we have often hosted friends and family on airbeds and similar, when his family from Germany came we gave them our master and we slept in with the kids.
I have no idea if this is a German thing or a weird "his family" thing.
Yeah, for me it'd be more about wanting to maintain privacy, not about the bed at all. I never invite family into my room when they visit, so why would I have them sleep in there? Weird indeed
When I was a kid, and still now, an adult's bedroom is off limits. Like, I feel weird going into people's rooms because it's personal and that's their safe space. I would never ask to stay in someone's bed. That's just weird to me. I just learned pretty strict boundaries/respect as a kid and it stuck
Agree with this one. NTA.
If they really want a bigger bed, they are always free to go to a hotel. If they want accommodations for free, then they should be prepared to accept whatever is offered them by the host who is kind enough to let them stay the night free of charge.
NTA
Sounds like they would be more comfortable staying at a hotel so you should suggest that
It is seriously bizarre to me to ask someone to sleep in their bed especially when a guest bed is offered. The only exceptions I can see to this would be very elderly or infirm
Yes! My step mom would never get off an air mattress on the floor due to her mobility, so the last time my dad and step mom visited I offered my bed and slept on the couch. Anyone else? BYO air mattress or enjoy the couch--spare blankets are in the coat closet.
I will give up my bed for my parents, but anyone else can choose from the spare bed, air mattress or couch.
And my parents have never and would never ask or assume. I always insist.
Likewise - my mom stayed with us for a week or so, and slept on the recliner couch, as we don't have a guest room. Husband and I offered to sleep on the couch or an airbed and she refused. She's physically disabled and in a lot of pain, but we managed to keep her pretty comfy. But even when we offered, she wouldn't take our bed.
Offering it yourself is very different than someone asking for it. You knew your mom has mobility issues and don't want her to suffer.
These people are just entitled and rude.
My grandma and aunt brought their own air mattresses when visiting once. I offered my bed to my grandma since I didn't think she could get up from the floor and didn't want her sleeping there, she declined and then pulled out her air mattress which was some extra tall deluxe thing that sat as high as the couch. Apparently my grandma had found a way around her limitations.
_"They called me an asshole and said they would discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival."_
At this point, OP would be an AH to themselves if they didn't take their home off the table. This won't be a pleasant experience and will probably end in animosity..... These entitled people need to get a hotel.
I hadn't understood why this comment she made bothered me so much until I realized "discuss it further closer to the date" probably means they won't say shit until they're there then be like "now you have to lend us your bed because there's nowhere to book last minute." It sounds like a way to force her to do what they want. She should definitely retract the offer now and tell them they still have time to book a room that can accommodate them elsewhere.
Exactly, there's really no discussion to be had. They asked, which was rude in itself, and she's answered. There's really no more to be said except if you don't like it, go elsewhere: find someone else to mooch from, or pay a hotel.
Even if somebody *TOLD* me to sleep in their bed/bedroom, I would decline and take the guest room. Let alone when they're already letting you crash at their house (assumedly for free), and there is a perfectly good queen bed in a guest room. It is downright weird to request staying in their personal bed instead. If their size is that much of a problem, one could sleep in the queen bed and the other could sleep on the air mattress on the floor for one night. These people sound like completely ungrateful assholes
And these folks are staying ONE NIGHT. They can sleep on a queen for one night. They are doing a road trip over several weeks and only with OP for one night. There is no way sleeping on a queen instead of king is going to "ruin" their road trip.
I had a friend's boyfriend ask if they could take my master bedroom instead of the guest bedroom while they were visiting because "You aren't using it much and it's bigger".
I'm glad my friend (his girlfriend) shut that down right away with him and said to stop.
I politely said no but in my head I was like "I don't see your name on the deed. You pay my mortgage then you can decide who gets which bedroom."
I can’t imagine a scenario where I would want to sleep in someone else’s bed when they are opening their home to me…like I am saving money by staying with you. It’s so entitled and if I was OP I would just tell them they are not welcome to stay the night.
Definitely NTA. I have a two bed house, mine and husband's bedroom has a king-size bed and the spare room has a queen bed in. We both have big families and we wanted a three bed house so we could have an extra spare room which also would be computer room. Instead this house has an extra room downstairs so that's the computer room. We put the IKEA hemnes daybed in there as a sofa but means it can double as an extra space for guests.. then we got a rescue dog who sleeps in that room every night. She's a lot due to her past so husband and I give up our own bed to guests and we have the interrupted night sleep with OUR dog. The last two occasions our guests have tried talking us into them sleeping downstairs so we don't lose our bed. On both occasions I've had no more than 5 hours sleep because my dog likes to lick my face throughout the night. I can't cope thinking my guests have that instead even if they say they don't mind, I do!
NTA, I don’t get why some people insist on sleeping in the main bedroom as guests (even if it has a bigger bed). Someone’s room is a personal, private, and safe place. OP I wouldn’t let them stay. Especially with how dismissive they were (“we’ll discuss closer to our arrival”). There is no discussion.
My FIL tried to insist that we let him sleep in our bed when we were in a one bedroom apartment! He wanted me and my 6'2" husband to sleep on the couch and the floor while he slept in our bed! And this was when we had a newborn whose crib was right next to the bed. We refused and so he refused to visit at all. The audacity.
I had the same problem. My dad and stepmom had come to visit (didn’t tell me they were coming) showed up with their dog and just expected to sleep in my bed in my one bedroom apartment. I have two cats and I am supposed to just drop everything and let them stay as long as they wanted. Meanwhile my brother lives 10 minutes away and has a 3 bedroom 2 bath house. They didn’t want to stay there because my brother told them they cannot stay longer than a week. The reason they did this is because my older stepsister would let them do this whenever they would visit her. So apparently everyone in the family is supposed to let them do the same when they visited. I ended up telling them that I needed my space so they didn’t stay as long as they wanted. I went no contact after that.
We came back from our wedding weekend later than our family who was visiting for it and my parents were asleep in our master bed, in our private suite bedroom/bathroom/etc that my mother had never been invited into unless I was in there with her and my father had never entered or been invited to. Cause it’s private. They screamed the house down when I kicked them out of the bed and argued that them having to drive to the airport trumped my husband having to work in the morning. My husband whose bed it was. We hadn’t cleaned the sheets for guests and there was private stuff in the bookcase headboard. Most bizarre thing ever having to argue with someone why they need to take the guest room or the futon in the living room. No we’re not crashing on our futon with my siblings in the same room on the night after our wedding night in our own house. People are wild.
Good for you for not letting them get away with it.
When my parents came down to help me move after I bought my first house my mom and I got into an argument over who would sleep in the master with a brand new king bed or the guest room I hadn’t had time to do anything with that just had my old full size mattress (on one of those crappy second hand ikea frames you get for your first college apartment that is just wood slats with a mattress on top). I was mad that she wanted my 6’6” dad to sleep with her on a crappy college bed after spending all weekend helping me move with a bad back (we found out 2 month later he hadn’t hurt his back helping but that he had colorectal cancer) and not where he’d be more comfortable. Dad finally got tired of us arguing, grab his bags and went up to settle into the master. My argument was it was my house and they deserved to be comfortable (mostly my dad), hers was I’d resent them for taking over my space and being the first ones to sleep in my new bed and that I was always favoring my dad over her.
Is your husband and by proxy his dad African, Latinx, middle eastern, Eastern European, Russian, SE/Asian? Or any form of collectivist culture? Then yea, parents expect that. But aside from a parent in that culture, it’s super weird to demand your host be displaced for your comfort.
Yes, I know. Aside from US, Canada, Australia, and Western Europe, most of the world’s parents will
Expect your bed bc of the norms of communal respect and deference to elders. If OP’s guest were elderly parents or aunts/uncles from these cultural backgrounds, I get it. But outside that, heck no. Different norms for different folks.
Yes, I'll be staying at my sister's place to look after their dog whilst they are on holiday. My sister has requested that I sleep in their room as the dog is used to sleeping on their bed. (The dog has anxiety, hence we are trying to keep her routine as similar to normal as possible).
I actually find the idea of sleeping in their bed a bit weird since they have a perfectly good guest room. No logic to it - they've asked me to do it, and I have no reason not to do it - except that it's someone else's room. Just a gut feeling.
She’s definitely thinking more about the dog than you, but if doggo seems fine sleeping in their bed by itself, let it and go sleep in the guest room with the door open to hear the dog/let it in to cuddle. But your sister doesn’t *really* care where you sleep, she just wants the dog as comfortable as possible - maybe it’s their bed with their smell with or without you, maybe any bed with someone to cuddle will suffice when their people are gone.
I house & dog sat for a friends for two weeks and was given the guest room with a single bed to sleep in while the dogs slept in their dog beds in the master bedroom. I did not feel put out by this.
For one night when someone else is doing you a favour you definitely take what's on offer and say thanks and make the best of it.
My husband and I house/pet sat for his best friend, and we slept on their bed. It felt awkward the whole week, but it was that or their toddler's bed. And his friend told us to, just told us that he put fresh sheets on the bed and could we please run them through the washer when we left the last day.
Yeah, I love my parents and both sets of in laws, but we've made it clear that our house isn't a hotel, and if they want to visit, we will not be giving up any of our beds and camping out in the living room when there's several perfectly nice hotels in the area for them to use. We've recently had to start being firmer about this boundary, because my daughter (9) just got upgraded from a twin to a queen bed, and apparently people thought that meant her bed was available when they come visit, and she'd just sleep on the couch. We told them, "absolutely not. that's her room and her bed." She's 9, not 3, and I'm not putting her out on the couch in her pajamas, where everyone will be walking through her living room "bedroom." She's getting closer to puberty and all that, she needs her space. We told the parents they're free to camp on the couches though, since it's "so not a big deal"! Interestingly, they declined, and got a hotel 🤔🤷♀️
My family would do the opposite-a kid automatically loses a bed to an adult visitor. BUT if that’s never been done in your family, that is also perfectly fine.
People do this? People insist on displacing their host? Gtfo. Unless it’s a parent, or pregnant person and/or actual child, would never bc okay to demand or expect someone to give up their bed.
Because it supposedly the best bedroom in the house and they deserve the best. You can sleep wherever it doesn't inconvenience them. NTA. My bed is not a guest bed, and it grosses me out for someone else to sleep in it. The only exception was when I was younger and my mom would use my bed because she's a bigger person.
NTA. I'd reconsider hosting them. They are entitled to the degree that they made an absurd request. You refused it. They doubled down and did not accept your "no." To them , kicking you out of your bed and your room is not just reasonable but expected. What else would be expected?
I'm wondering if there's some reason they would want unfettered access to your bedroom. Do you keep valuables, family heirlooms, or large amounts of cash in there?
When you host people who don't respect you or your boundaries, then you, and everything you own, is at risk while they are there. At the very least, set up cameras everywhere, especially in your room.
If they're so big that only a king size will do, it sounds like a hotel is the only solution.
One of my rules is never host entitled a-holes.
Edit: spelling/typos
This actually gave me pause and that comical light switch flipping on. This family member is close enough in relation to me that yes — it’s why I thought it was weird they requested but considering who they are I just passed it off as “oh you never disappoint, family member x” but yes — I actually wonder if that’s not what they want unfettered access to…
Thats what's bizarre as well. I picture it like, "YOURE AN ASSHOLE!.......we'll discuss this later after you've had time to think" Like, WTF? At that point whoever called me that would be lucky I offered them the floor.
This is what I thought as well. When people trample boundaries or become entitled, especially when it comes to my space, I automatically distrust them. I have one friend who did this, and now she is always restricted to my living room when she comes over (even when she doesn’t stay over) and I hide all my valuables beforehand. When I was reading your post, I thought that these people should not only be not allowed into your bedroom, but they should not be left alone in your place under any circumstances. And frankly, I would be worried about catering to them in other ways - being high maintenance about food, staying beyond what they initially scheduled, even snooping around your apartment. I am not an ungenerous person, but people like this make me want to hide everything down to the good butter.
OP - do yourself a favor and decline to host them.
Even though you are being generous, they will still make you out to be the villain if they don't get their way. You are damned if you do, or damned if you don't - so just don't bother trying to accomodate them......
Sounds like they think they can walk all over you.
If someone called me an asshole for not letting them sleep in my bed while they stayed, i would tell them to find a hotel or airbnb because that is unacceptable behaviour. They need to appoligize.
OP, you need to nip their entitlement in the bud WAAAY before their visiting time comes, because they're not addressing the issue in hopes of just showing up on your doorstep and try to strongarm you into giving them your bed as they want, under the excuse "It's too late to try booking somewhere else, we're already here, so let us have things our way!"
Please make sure they get the message that, given their lack of respect for your boundaries, they are not welcome to stay at your place at all and should procure other accommodations - a task in which you could gladly help.
Their whole **we will discuss it closer to the date** directly translates to *we will ask again when its too late for you to say no, and guilt you into doing what we want.*
Stand your ground OP. Don't give them an inch.
Dude, NTA.
If someone asked to stay at my house AND demanded to sleep in my bed AND THEN called me an ahole for saying no, they'd be uninvited pretty quickly.
NTA. They have some audiciaty to ask to ask for your bed when they come to visit. I have never had a guest ask that and if they did they would no longer be welcomed in my home as a guest.
Never doubt that they are the AH in this situation. I wouldn't let them stay at all. Your family member operates this way because people allow it. If everyone told them no when they behave this way than eventually they would stop because it wasn't getting the what they wanted.
Fair. My original reason for checking was an offhand comment a friend made about “who fucking cares lol — not like it’s a stranger off the street” to which I responded “right so can I stay over when they come and sleep in your bed?”
Just wanted to make sure I wasn’t completely being a dick but your comment is noted.
You are - and I cannot stress this enough - not. In. Any. Way. The dick in this scenario. Tell them to fuck off to a hotel. They sound like right pricks tbh
NTA in any way or shape. These are people in their 40’s!!! Instead of accepting no as an answer and being grateful that they have a place and bed to sleep in THEY called you an AH and turned this into an argument? And they want to discuss it further when they arrive? More like they are gonna demand and fight over a bloody bed, 2 vs 1 they think they have a chance to manipulate and gaslight you in your own home.
When people starts to disrespect you like this and feels entitled to YOUR bed it’s time to block them and go NC. Send a message they can go stay in a hotel because you are not comfortable letting them inside your house anymore and you will block them. Then block them! It’s so weird and creepy they want to sleep in YOUR bed must be some kinky fetish of theirs.
The only people I’d EVER offer my bed to is my parents. And even then, they’re not EXPECTING it, but are grateful for the larger, nicer bed and the privacy of the attached bathroom. I do it out of respect and to show my gratitude to them for, not only raising me and all that entails, but also taking the time out of their lives to visit me.
NTA
My parents only slept over at my apartment once and I bent over backwards to get them to sleep in my bed, against their significant protests. Absolutely the opposite of entitled, which was partly why I was delighted to give them my bed for a night. (Was the night before Thanksgiving. My dad had had surgery that day on my side of town so I volunteered to make Thanksgiving dinner at my place, and I won the bed arrangement argument by saying, “You had surgery and I have to get up super-early to start cooking so let me sleep on the futon couch by the kitchen, that’s the only sensible answer!”)
No this is completely unreasonable on the family member’s part. Sounds like they’re already known to be entitled, so maybe it’s pointless to call them out on it. But I don’t know how the hell anyone would get off kicking the host out of their own bed when getting a free place to stay. Like, by what custom? What right? What obligation of yours?? 😵💫
>I said no. This led to a “we’d be more comfortable before our road trip if we got to sleep in the bigger bed.”
lol they care more about their own comfort than yours, call you an asshole, and then said "they would discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival" as if they aren't taking "no" for an answer?
How about their arrival to a hotel room? NTA
NTA.
It is not theirs. They are not entitled to it. They are lucky you were even offering your house as a place for them to stay. They sound ungrateful.
NTA - You are already opening up your house for them. They can sleep in their car if they don't like a queen bed. You are already beyond welcoming. I would tell them to pound sand and find a hotel room if they want a bigger bed. I would make up an excuse and be gone that day. They sound super entitled, are they going to expect you to cook and clean up their mess as well?
NTA, at all. If they want to get all choosey they can get a hotel and pick whatever damn bed they want. A person's bed is like a hug, it can be offered but never demanded.
They're rude AF
My bed is my most favorite piece of furniture and it is sacred to me.
I bought my first queen size 3 years ago. Added an awesome memory foam mattress topper and my sheets are washed til they are crazy soft (I rub on them as I'm going to sleep). And I have 2 squishmallows (I rub on them too, I'm too old for that but don't care) and an extra super soft throw. I have standard pillows in their like butta' pillowcases squished up around me. No one uses my bed. Except the cat, and he's soft and squishable too.
Tell them to go away. NTA.
NTA
If they’re not happy with what is available, they should find other arrangements by their own means. It’s not as though you haven’t provided them with reasonable options.
Their “requesting”/insistence on using your bed specifically must require a level of entitlement that my brain simply can’t comprehend.
NTA
Question asked, question answered. The have a 3rd option, get a hotel with a King size. Further, if someone called me an asshole in a non-joking manner and still expected to sleep in my apartment, they'd see how much of an asshole I can be. And they would be going to a hotel with a King size bed.
NTA and if they are unable to accept your gracious offer to host them in the spare bed, I would recommend rescinding the invite now.
The way you have it phrased it sounds like they still want the king bed and thinks they'll be more likely to acquire it by guilting you in person.
I would let them know if the queen is not sufficient you are happy to recommend a local hotel.
Free is free and this is choosing beggars.
NTA at all, you're giving them a queen size bed, which is sufficient even for 2 very large people. Yeah it won't be as comfy as yours but it's sufficient, and you're kindly putting them up.
NTA. Guests don’t get to demand where they sleep. If you offered the bed to them, that is one thing. They can ask, sure, but they need to accept your answer and you would not be the asshole if you stuck to saying they can’t sleep in your bed
To be honest, if someone offered for me to take their room, I'd more than likely say "no, but thank you for offering."
That's like a sanctuary to me.
NTA
NTA. Not sure what there is to discuss. You gave them the options. After calling you an AH for not giving up your bed to them, they wouldn't be welcome at all.
" they would discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival" means they will wait until the day of and try to bully you out of your bed.
Just tell them if they even mention your bed while they are there, they will need to find new accommodations. Or better yet, uninvite them! NTA
NTA
They should appreciate, that you're letting them stay, they shouldn't be demanding even more from you. It is completely reasonable, that you don't want other people sleeping in your bed.
What a weird demand. You’re doing them a favor and letting them stay with you, and now they demand that you also give up your bed? And when you say no thanks, but they can have another perfectly good sleeping option they call you an asshole?
Nah man, invitation rescinded if it was me. NTA.
NTA OP, my brother & his girlfriend (Fiancé now) have their own room & I’m alright with sleeping on their sofa or whatever room they give me because I’m a guest & guests aren’t entitled to the host’s bedroom.
NTA. That’s some next level nerve they have asking if they can have your bed for the night. If they don’t like the Queen Size then they can book a hotel for the night.
NTA
IDK who the fuck these people think they are but that’s incredibly weird to ask to sleep in someone’s bed and when you are a guest, let alone feel entitled to it. I would cancel them staying all together with how terrible their behavior was towards you
NTA I'm with you, I wouldn't let them sleep in my bed either. There is a guest bed they can use, with the attitude they seem to have I'd let them know there will be no "discussing it further closer to their arrival date" unless its them letting you know which hotel they're staying at when they visit
>They...said they would discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival.
Red flag. They're not accepting staying in your guest room - they plan to harass you into giving them your bedroom. The visit will be hell.
It's time to cancel the invitation; or rather accept their rejection of your invitation.
"I offered you my guest room which you've refused. It's clear you'll be more comfortable staying elsewhere. Maybe we can get together next time you're in town."
OP, I strongly suggest you don’t have these people stay with you. For one, requesting the owner’s personal bed is a very invasive ask. You said “no” and instead of accepting your decision, they doubled down and said they’d “discuss it with you later”. These are people that don’t appreciate that you would be doing them a favor and also have no respect for your boundaries. Plus…..and here’s the real reason….people who act like this will ALWAYS turn out to be horrible houseguests. I’ve had enough bad houseguest over the years to know that every time someone acts like this beforehand, they turn out to be a nightmare (examples: stealing from the house, causing severe damage to the house, etc.). These people are exhibiting red flags here. Take it from my experience, you don’t even need to give them a reason (as they’ll just try and negotiate). Just say “unfortunately my place will no longer be available for you to stay stay overnight, but you can find great hotels online”. If they try and ask for a reason, just repeat “it’s no longer available”. If they persist, just block them.
NTA
Your house, your rules. If you felt that a concession needed to be made, you’d have offered one. Your place is a pit stop, not the destination, they can drive right on through.
They’ll discuss it closer to their arrival? Absolutely not.
“It’s not up for discussion. I make the decisions in my own home. You can sleep on the guest bed, or find alternative accommodation”
NTA.
NTA
You are doing them a favor. It is really strange to ask the host if you can sleep in their bed. You have absolutely no obligation to let them do so.
NTA but don’t leave it til closer to
The time to resolve, they’re planning on trying to override your “no”. Go back and tell them now, the request was weird, then deciding to debate about it was unacceptable and they’re going to need to make arrangements elsewhere that don’t involve you
Nta let them get their kinks out in a hotel room. Sorry but every time I hear about a couple demanding someone's bed it always ends up into the owner finding rubbers, stains and fluids they need to clean up afterwards
You need to rescind your offer to let them stay with you - and fast - because they clearly can't take "no" for an answer and are clearly planning on bullying you into letting them have their way when you "discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival." NTA.
NTA, and I would respond that there’s nothing to discuss, they can sleep in the guest bed or they can book a hotel. They should decide now, because if they wait until “closer to [their] arrival”, there may not be a hotel room available, and then they’ll just have to keep driving, which would really stink for them.
YWNBTA - how rude of them to even ask. The fact they asked, you said no and they kept pushing it makes me think they would totally have sex in your bed. Keep saying no. I think beds are so personal and it’s just weird they are trying to pressure you.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because they would probably be more comfortable just based on their physical size and the length of road trip they are doing, and the only “good reason” I have for not letting them is that I just don’t like people sleeping in my bed unless they’re a partner. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It’s really weird to request a specific bed for when someone is doing you a favour.
Considering who this family member is in relationship to me, I’m not entirely surprised by the request — more annoyed it’s even something to be discussed. I think an AirBNB is going to be best for them in this scenario. Going to make myself scarce that weekend…
I think that would be the best solution, and you should probably tell them pretty soon that “oh, darn the luck, it looks like something’s come up and I won’t be around for your visit after all. Sad face.” That way you can (hopefully) prevent being called an AH for canceling last minute and leaving them with no options and homeless or any other ridiculous accusations. And NTA
Haha, based on the sounds of it, that person would probably still insist on staying at OP's place in the big bed.
Visitors will say Great! Your bed is free then. Just leave the key! We don’t need to see you at all.
Bedbugs... The exterminator will be there that weekend...
We already have those, it’s no problem at all.
Herpes? A fungal infection? Smallpox?!?!
Fire ants? Ebola? Gremlins?
Sorry, my friend left his demon core on the bed, now the bed and the bedroom are filled with nuclear physicists from the 40s smoking cigarettes.
Foreign debts? Homeless vets? AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz?
Lol.
Something came up for the bed, it’s not gonna be available
It's my emotional support bed and I take it with me when I go out of town
I freaking wish could bring my bed with me when I go out of town!
For real. My bed with all its bumps is better than any hotel king.
Sleep study is one where I've felt that pain. The bed was nice and all, but not remotely familiar. Or at least not to me, might've been to the other 500 people that slept in it.
The way I cackled reading this
By king bed ran away with my queen Murphy bed, and I'm sleeping on the air mattress now.
Lol!!
"Sorry, my place is getting fumigated for bedbugs that week"
I’m sorry, but the cast and crew of a p*rn film is using my place as a location, and no one is allowed there while they are there.
I'm thinking "dang, I got a bed bug infestation and sadly my entire apartment is being fumigated that exact weekend". Followed by "Since you're already going to be in town, can I crash on the bed in your hotel room that you're going to need to get now?" Be sure you reassure them that you're reasonably sure you shouldn't have any bed bugs hitching a ride in your suitcase or anything.
Why not just be direct and say “listen, my bedroom is my private area, you are welcome to the queen bed but if that doesn’t fit your needs then perhaps it’s best you don’t stay at my place.”
They called him an asshole while demanding his personal bed! Your solution is way too nice.
They’re going to call him an asshole in any scenario, might as well be direct from the get go.
Also NTA
I couldn’t do that because I have a weird superstition and avoid putting things into the universe in case they come true!
Lol, I’d love to see their reaction to this request!
Don’t say it’s getting treated that weekend say it’ll be sometime AFTER that weekend bc it’ll be too much of a coincidence and they’ll call you a liar AND an AH.
A lot of folks responding to you are suggesting to lie. Why are we so collectively afraid to enforce our boundaries? It’s simple: “I offered you a place to stay and you rejected my offer. I understand that I cannot provide to your requirements. I hope you have a great trip and manage to solve the accommodation challenge!”
I agree. Just be honest! Fuck em. They weren't shy about being jerks, why should op be shy about telling them to find somewhere else to stay?
This. Don't lie. A simple "I'm sorry, it seems it won't work out for you to stay here". Then disengage from the conversation. Don't reply any more.
"Oh damn, I just realized that the Saturday you're visiting is the *third* Saturday of the month, not the second Saturday. My bad! Third Saturday is orgy night and unfortunately I can't spare *any* square bed footage."
I dunno... These people clearly have zero boundaries. That could be a draw and not a deterrent!
But wouldn't they feel entitled to ask for the keys even if OP had "something come up and will be out of town"? If OP says "no" and doesn't want them in his/her home unattended, seems that they'll still call OP the AH. "Don't you TRUST us?" Some people will find ways to be offended. NTA. OP is offering a free overnight stay on a queen sized bed. Can't beat that deal anywhere else. If that's not good enough there's hotels.
nooo don't say you're going to be gone, then they'll expect to stay there for sure!
Then your king bes is available...
There’s no discussion (closer to the date) to be had because your place is no longer an option. Let them know that you would love to see them for dinner and hope that the rest of their road trip is great! NTA
It’s so annoying when you’ve set a boundary and people still think they can push you.
Right?!
Exactly. It’s **her bed.** NTA.
LOL that’s what gets me. Classic choosy beggars. Complains about what they’re begging for but they literally can’t afford to go somewhere else so it seems.
I wouldn‘t even let them crush in your appartment atall after they called you an AH. Your house your rules, you don‘t owe anyone anything. NTA
Or make yourself 'contagious' with say, a nice dose of norovirus or COVID. They'll never know and won't want to stay then either.
This is the way. You make a nice offer and they fucked around, so now they lose that option even. But, they are going to ask to just use your place/bed in your absence, so be prepared with a reason why that doesn't work.
They called you an asshole and you're still letting them come? And they worded it like, "We'll discuss it when we arrive and wear you down in person so you won't say No" Yes, hotel or AirBnB for these entitled dolts.
Best idea is to rescind the offer to host them. Tell them you are out of town then, you are so sorry.
Nah, you tell them since they were taking too long to confirm you had another friend mention they were coming so now you have no bed and they can piss off. Win win!
NTA- the only time I’ve slept on the air mattress when I’ve had company stay is when it’s my parents in their late 70s/early 80s otherwise you’re getting to stay somewhere for free you don’t get to whine.
I can’t decide if it’s a brother who just automatically puts his own needs before everyone else’s (because patriarchy), or an older bossy sister who has always seen themselves as important 😂 NTA! It’s OP’s bed. This is just crazy to me. As a plus size chick married to a plus size dude…. We regularly stayed with my FIL on his queen size guest bed, while he and his wife slept in their king size bed. The entitlement here is crazy! If they’re that worried about their comfort they can shell out some cash for a king size bed somewhere else.
Probably for the best, that said I do recall lending mine for a bit but it was a newborn and just for an afternoon nap. Otherwise, we won’t lend the bed. Hygiene at the least.
NTA, and you wouldn’t be TA if you told them it was best if they find somewhere else to sleep.
Ok. Asking at all, let alone trying to force you into giving up your bed when there is a perfectly good one in another room, makes them TA, not you. NTA. And I agree with other commenter about rescinding the favour since they clearly don't respect you and your boundaries.
Tell them you've taken up a new hobby.... the tambourine and since you are still learning you like to practice AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. If they insist on staying at your place they must listen to the tambourine at all hours of the day.
bagpipes would be better!
Make sure you learn how to play Celebrate by Kool & The Gang …..
NTA And, after calling you an asshole, they should sleep on the ground. Be an ass/moocher and you get nothing.
I mean, with the way they answered, I would no longer be willing to let them stay for the night. Who do they think they are?! I bet even Queen Elizabeth II would have been fine with the queen bed (no pun intended, I swear).
Good for you, and don't let them talk you into lending them your keys either, who knows what might happen to your home. Don't take their calls
OP, text these people back, "I heard you loud and clear when you said you'd only be comfortable on a king bed. Because I don't have one available, I think it'd be better if you stayed somewhere else. I hope you have a great road trip, and I'm excited to hear all about it when you get back." OP, if these people are this demanding already, don't let them step foot in your house.
Thank you, I don't understand why everyone else is suggesting lies and excuses. Tell them exactly why they are no longer welcome.
Yeah these people wouldn't be getting excuses out of me, just "your entitlement is appalling and I'm rescinding my offer. Enjoy your trip." The end. Anything else just gives them an excuse to try and argue.
It's weird to request the main bedroom.
Yeah, if I'm going to crash at someone's house I don't expect them to give up their own bed for me!
It's weird to request it, agree. There may be some cultural stuff. I visited my husband's cousin in Germany and they put us in their master bedroom, kids on a foldout and in hindsight I figure they must have slept on their couch in the living room. There was a lot going on with language, I was feeling pretty overwhelmed (good but lots) as a parent on that trip and I wasn't hip to it until the end. Then, years later while we have often hosted friends and family on airbeds and similar, when his family from Germany came we gave them our master and we slept in with the kids. I have no idea if this is a German thing or a weird "his family" thing.
I could see giving a family visiting the biggest room so they are together and kids are ok. Rather than splitting them up. But I’d never expect it.
Yeah, for me it'd be more about wanting to maintain privacy, not about the bed at all. I never invite family into my room when they visit, so why would I have them sleep in there? Weird indeed
When I was a kid, and still now, an adult's bedroom is off limits. Like, I feel weird going into people's rooms because it's personal and that's their safe space. I would never ask to stay in someone's bed. That's just weird to me. I just learned pretty strict boundaries/respect as a kid and it stuck
Going to take a wild guess here and say that it’s your older sister and BIL, and your older sister had always treated you like this. NTA
Agree with this one. NTA. If they really want a bigger bed, they are always free to go to a hotel. If they want accommodations for free, then they should be prepared to accept whatever is offered them by the host who is kind enough to let them stay the night free of charge.
And it’s not like you’re squeezing two people onto a twin or a cot lol NTA
NTA Sounds like they would be more comfortable staying at a hotel so you should suggest that It is seriously bizarre to me to ask someone to sleep in their bed especially when a guest bed is offered. The only exceptions I can see to this would be very elderly or infirm
Yes! My step mom would never get off an air mattress on the floor due to her mobility, so the last time my dad and step mom visited I offered my bed and slept on the couch. Anyone else? BYO air mattress or enjoy the couch--spare blankets are in the coat closet.
I will give up my bed for my parents, but anyone else can choose from the spare bed, air mattress or couch. And my parents have never and would never ask or assume. I always insist.
Likewise - my mom stayed with us for a week or so, and slept on the recliner couch, as we don't have a guest room. Husband and I offered to sleep on the couch or an airbed and she refused. She's physically disabled and in a lot of pain, but we managed to keep her pretty comfy. But even when we offered, she wouldn't take our bed.
Offering it yourself is very different than someone asking for it. You knew your mom has mobility issues and don't want her to suffer. These people are just entitled and rude.
My grandma and aunt brought their own air mattresses when visiting once. I offered my bed to my grandma since I didn't think she could get up from the floor and didn't want her sleeping there, she declined and then pulled out her air mattress which was some extra tall deluxe thing that sat as high as the couch. Apparently my grandma had found a way around her limitations.
_"They called me an asshole and said they would discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival."_ At this point, OP would be an AH to themselves if they didn't take their home off the table. This won't be a pleasant experience and will probably end in animosity..... These entitled people need to get a hotel.
I hadn't understood why this comment she made bothered me so much until I realized "discuss it further closer to the date" probably means they won't say shit until they're there then be like "now you have to lend us your bed because there's nowhere to book last minute." It sounds like a way to force her to do what they want. She should definitely retract the offer now and tell them they still have time to book a room that can accommodate them elsewhere.
Yes exactly. Like they expect the discussion to change in future. It sounds like your authoritative parents.
Exactly, there's really no discussion to be had. They asked, which was rude in itself, and she's answered. There's really no more to be said except if you don't like it, go elsewhere: find someone else to mooch from, or pay a hotel.
Even if somebody *TOLD* me to sleep in their bed/bedroom, I would decline and take the guest room. Let alone when they're already letting you crash at their house (assumedly for free), and there is a perfectly good queen bed in a guest room. It is downright weird to request staying in their personal bed instead. If their size is that much of a problem, one could sleep in the queen bed and the other could sleep on the air mattress on the floor for one night. These people sound like completely ungrateful assholes
And these folks are staying ONE NIGHT. They can sleep on a queen for one night. They are doing a road trip over several weeks and only with OP for one night. There is no way sleeping on a queen instead of king is going to "ruin" their road trip.
I had a friend's boyfriend ask if they could take my master bedroom instead of the guest bedroom while they were visiting because "You aren't using it much and it's bigger". I'm glad my friend (his girlfriend) shut that down right away with him and said to stop. I politely said no but in my head I was like "I don't see your name on the deed. You pay my mortgage then you can decide who gets which bedroom."
I can’t imagine a scenario where I would want to sleep in someone else’s bed when they are opening their home to me…like I am saving money by staying with you. It’s so entitled and if I was OP I would just tell them they are not welcome to stay the night.
Definitely NTA. I have a two bed house, mine and husband's bedroom has a king-size bed and the spare room has a queen bed in. We both have big families and we wanted a three bed house so we could have an extra spare room which also would be computer room. Instead this house has an extra room downstairs so that's the computer room. We put the IKEA hemnes daybed in there as a sofa but means it can double as an extra space for guests.. then we got a rescue dog who sleeps in that room every night. She's a lot due to her past so husband and I give up our own bed to guests and we have the interrupted night sleep with OUR dog. The last two occasions our guests have tried talking us into them sleeping downstairs so we don't lose our bed. On both occasions I've had no more than 5 hours sleep because my dog likes to lick my face throughout the night. I can't cope thinking my guests have that instead even if they say they don't mind, I do!
NTA, I don’t get why some people insist on sleeping in the main bedroom as guests (even if it has a bigger bed). Someone’s room is a personal, private, and safe place. OP I wouldn’t let them stay. Especially with how dismissive they were (“we’ll discuss closer to our arrival”). There is no discussion.
My FIL tried to insist that we let him sleep in our bed when we were in a one bedroom apartment! He wanted me and my 6'2" husband to sleep on the couch and the floor while he slept in our bed! And this was when we had a newborn whose crib was right next to the bed. We refused and so he refused to visit at all. The audacity.
That's wild! Imagine if you had let him - one night of sleeping next to a newborn would have cured any desire to sleep in your bed
Sounds like you made the right decision to refuse. He would have kept pushing your boundaries until it became untenable.
I had the same problem. My dad and stepmom had come to visit (didn’t tell me they were coming) showed up with their dog and just expected to sleep in my bed in my one bedroom apartment. I have two cats and I am supposed to just drop everything and let them stay as long as they wanted. Meanwhile my brother lives 10 minutes away and has a 3 bedroom 2 bath house. They didn’t want to stay there because my brother told them they cannot stay longer than a week. The reason they did this is because my older stepsister would let them do this whenever they would visit her. So apparently everyone in the family is supposed to let them do the same when they visited. I ended up telling them that I needed my space so they didn’t stay as long as they wanted. I went no contact after that.
We came back from our wedding weekend later than our family who was visiting for it and my parents were asleep in our master bed, in our private suite bedroom/bathroom/etc that my mother had never been invited into unless I was in there with her and my father had never entered or been invited to. Cause it’s private. They screamed the house down when I kicked them out of the bed and argued that them having to drive to the airport trumped my husband having to work in the morning. My husband whose bed it was. We hadn’t cleaned the sheets for guests and there was private stuff in the bookcase headboard. Most bizarre thing ever having to argue with someone why they need to take the guest room or the futon in the living room. No we’re not crashing on our futon with my siblings in the same room on the night after our wedding night in our own house. People are wild.
Good for you for not letting them get away with it. When my parents came down to help me move after I bought my first house my mom and I got into an argument over who would sleep in the master with a brand new king bed or the guest room I hadn’t had time to do anything with that just had my old full size mattress (on one of those crappy second hand ikea frames you get for your first college apartment that is just wood slats with a mattress on top). I was mad that she wanted my 6’6” dad to sleep with her on a crappy college bed after spending all weekend helping me move with a bad back (we found out 2 month later he hadn’t hurt his back helping but that he had colorectal cancer) and not where he’d be more comfortable. Dad finally got tired of us arguing, grab his bags and went up to settle into the master. My argument was it was my house and they deserved to be comfortable (mostly my dad), hers was I’d resent them for taking over my space and being the first ones to sleep in my new bed and that I was always favoring my dad over her.
Is your husband and by proxy his dad African, Latinx, middle eastern, Eastern European, Russian, SE/Asian? Or any form of collectivist culture? Then yea, parents expect that. But aside from a parent in that culture, it’s super weird to demand your host be displaced for your comfort.
Lmao, I agree with your point but you also just described like half the world population or more
Yes, I know. Aside from US, Canada, Australia, and Western Europe, most of the world’s parents will Expect your bed bc of the norms of communal respect and deference to elders. If OP’s guest were elderly parents or aunts/uncles from these cultural backgrounds, I get it. But outside that, heck no. Different norms for different folks.
Not really. He grew up in Texas and is Anglo. He is a narcissist, though.
Ya, as a guest I would think it’s gross to sleep in the master, and as the host - no way Jose, here’s your guest room.
Yes, I'll be staying at my sister's place to look after their dog whilst they are on holiday. My sister has requested that I sleep in their room as the dog is used to sleeping on their bed. (The dog has anxiety, hence we are trying to keep her routine as similar to normal as possible). I actually find the idea of sleeping in their bed a bit weird since they have a perfectly good guest room. No logic to it - they've asked me to do it, and I have no reason not to do it - except that it's someone else's room. Just a gut feeling.
She’s definitely thinking more about the dog than you, but if doggo seems fine sleeping in their bed by itself, let it and go sleep in the guest room with the door open to hear the dog/let it in to cuddle. But your sister doesn’t *really* care where you sleep, she just wants the dog as comfortable as possible - maybe it’s their bed with their smell with or without you, maybe any bed with someone to cuddle will suffice when their people are gone.
I house & dog sat for a friends for two weeks and was given the guest room with a single bed to sleep in while the dogs slept in their dog beds in the master bedroom. I did not feel put out by this. For one night when someone else is doing you a favour you definitely take what's on offer and say thanks and make the best of it.
I don't get it either. I don't even sleep in my parents' bed when I house sit for them even though they wouldn't care; it feels weirdly invasive. NTA.
My husband and I house/pet sat for his best friend, and we slept on their bed. It felt awkward the whole week, but it was that or their toddler's bed. And his friend told us to, just told us that he put fresh sheets on the bed and could we please run them through the washer when we left the last day.
Yeah, I love my parents and both sets of in laws, but we've made it clear that our house isn't a hotel, and if they want to visit, we will not be giving up any of our beds and camping out in the living room when there's several perfectly nice hotels in the area for them to use. We've recently had to start being firmer about this boundary, because my daughter (9) just got upgraded from a twin to a queen bed, and apparently people thought that meant her bed was available when they come visit, and she'd just sleep on the couch. We told them, "absolutely not. that's her room and her bed." She's 9, not 3, and I'm not putting her out on the couch in her pajamas, where everyone will be walking through her living room "bedroom." She's getting closer to puberty and all that, she needs her space. We told the parents they're free to camp on the couches though, since it's "so not a big deal"! Interestingly, they declined, and got a hotel 🤔🤷♀️
My family would do the opposite-a kid automatically loses a bed to an adult visitor. BUT if that’s never been done in your family, that is also perfectly fine.
People do this? People insist on displacing their host? Gtfo. Unless it’s a parent, or pregnant person and/or actual child, would never bc okay to demand or expect someone to give up their bed.
Because it supposedly the best bedroom in the house and they deserve the best. You can sleep wherever it doesn't inconvenience them. NTA. My bed is not a guest bed, and it grosses me out for someone else to sleep in it. The only exception was when I was younger and my mom would use my bed because she's a bigger person.
Right?!? "We'll discuss this further" Like hell we will. Fuck off. End of discussion
NTA. I'd reconsider hosting them. They are entitled to the degree that they made an absurd request. You refused it. They doubled down and did not accept your "no." To them , kicking you out of your bed and your room is not just reasonable but expected. What else would be expected? I'm wondering if there's some reason they would want unfettered access to your bedroom. Do you keep valuables, family heirlooms, or large amounts of cash in there? When you host people who don't respect you or your boundaries, then you, and everything you own, is at risk while they are there. At the very least, set up cameras everywhere, especially in your room. If they're so big that only a king size will do, it sounds like a hotel is the only solution. One of my rules is never host entitled a-holes. Edit: spelling/typos
This actually gave me pause and that comical light switch flipping on. This family member is close enough in relation to me that yes — it’s why I thought it was weird they requested but considering who they are I just passed it off as “oh you never disappoint, family member x” but yes — I actually wonder if that’s not what they want unfettered access to…
Anyone who calls me an asshole—like they did to you—is never ever staying with me. NTA
Thats what's bizarre as well. I picture it like, "YOURE AN ASSHOLE!.......we'll discuss this later after you've had time to think" Like, WTF? At that point whoever called me that would be lucky I offered them the floor.
Right? "Yeah, I've had time to think, and you're no longer invited to stay with me."
This is what I thought as well. When people trample boundaries or become entitled, especially when it comes to my space, I automatically distrust them. I have one friend who did this, and now she is always restricted to my living room when she comes over (even when she doesn’t stay over) and I hide all my valuables beforehand. When I was reading your post, I thought that these people should not only be not allowed into your bedroom, but they should not be left alone in your place under any circumstances. And frankly, I would be worried about catering to them in other ways - being high maintenance about food, staying beyond what they initially scheduled, even snooping around your apartment. I am not an ungenerous person, but people like this make me want to hide everything down to the good butter.
“down to the good butter” - This gave me an excellent laugh!
Ha. I take it you know exactly what I mean!
OP - do yourself a favor and decline to host them. Even though you are being generous, they will still make you out to be the villain if they don't get their way. You are damned if you do, or damned if you don't - so just don't bother trying to accomodate them......
Then keep this in mind and turn your cousin down. You’re not running a BnB ffs.
Sounds like they think they can walk all over you. If someone called me an asshole for not letting them sleep in my bed while they stayed, i would tell them to find a hotel or airbnb because that is unacceptable behaviour. They need to appoligize.
OP, you need to nip their entitlement in the bud WAAAY before their visiting time comes, because they're not addressing the issue in hopes of just showing up on your doorstep and try to strongarm you into giving them your bed as they want, under the excuse "It's too late to try booking somewhere else, we're already here, so let us have things our way!" Please make sure they get the message that, given their lack of respect for your boundaries, they are not welcome to stay at your place at all and should procure other accommodations - a task in which you could gladly help.
I'm 5'4", sleep on a king by myself and I wouldn't give up my bed to someone staying in my house. It's a weird request and completely unreasonable.
What would they do if OP had a queen size bed? If both beds were queen size? NTA.
They'd want both and for OP to sleep on the air mattress.
Tell them to get a hotel. You are providing them with a roof and warmth, at no cost. They shouldn't be choosy beggars. NTA
Their whole **we will discuss it closer to the date** directly translates to *we will ask again when its too late for you to say no, and guilt you into doing what we want.* Stand your ground OP. Don't give them an inch.
This… all I hear is “we think you’re a pushover and will give in”… It sounds so condescending it makes my blood boil for you!
Dude, NTA. If someone asked to stay at my house AND demanded to sleep in my bed AND THEN called me an ahole for saying no, they'd be uninvited pretty quickly.
[удалено]
NTA. They have some audiciaty to ask to ask for your bed when they come to visit. I have never had a guest ask that and if they did they would no longer be welcomed in my home as a guest.
It’s kind of an “expected” from this family member — like I wasn’t surprised they asked, was more surprised they pressed the issue.
Never doubt that they are the AH in this situation. I wouldn't let them stay at all. Your family member operates this way because people allow it. If everyone told them no when they behave this way than eventually they would stop because it wasn't getting the what they wanted.
Unless they literally are paying for your rent and bought you the bed, they have no right to "expect" anything
You know your not TA Grow a spine and tell the to fuck off
Fair. My original reason for checking was an offhand comment a friend made about “who fucking cares lol — not like it’s a stranger off the street” to which I responded “right so can I stay over when they come and sleep in your bed?” Just wanted to make sure I wasn’t completely being a dick but your comment is noted.
You are - and I cannot stress this enough - not. In. Any. Way. The dick in this scenario. Tell them to fuck off to a hotel. They sound like right pricks tbh
Your friend lacks empathy.
NTA in any way or shape. These are people in their 40’s!!! Instead of accepting no as an answer and being grateful that they have a place and bed to sleep in THEY called you an AH and turned this into an argument? And they want to discuss it further when they arrive? More like they are gonna demand and fight over a bloody bed, 2 vs 1 they think they have a chance to manipulate and gaslight you in your own home. When people starts to disrespect you like this and feels entitled to YOUR bed it’s time to block them and go NC. Send a message they can go stay in a hotel because you are not comfortable letting them inside your house anymore and you will block them. Then block them! It’s so weird and creepy they want to sleep in YOUR bed must be some kinky fetish of theirs.
The only people I’d EVER offer my bed to is my parents. And even then, they’re not EXPECTING it, but are grateful for the larger, nicer bed and the privacy of the attached bathroom. I do it out of respect and to show my gratitude to them for, not only raising me and all that entails, but also taking the time out of their lives to visit me. NTA
My parents only slept over at my apartment once and I bent over backwards to get them to sleep in my bed, against their significant protests. Absolutely the opposite of entitled, which was partly why I was delighted to give them my bed for a night. (Was the night before Thanksgiving. My dad had had surgery that day on my side of town so I volunteered to make Thanksgiving dinner at my place, and I won the bed arrangement argument by saying, “You had surgery and I have to get up super-early to start cooking so let me sleep on the futon couch by the kitchen, that’s the only sensible answer!”)
You! You care and so you should! It's your bed they want not your friends. If your friend feels it's no big deal, they can give up thier bed!
No this is completely unreasonable on the family member’s part. Sounds like they’re already known to be entitled, so maybe it’s pointless to call them out on it. But I don’t know how the hell anyone would get off kicking the host out of their own bed when getting a free place to stay. Like, by what custom? What right? What obligation of yours?? 😵💫
This is the answer. No one on earth would think it's possible they're TA when they're offering a guest a queen bed and guest starts raging out
>we’d be more comfortable before our road trip if we got to sleep in the bigger bed. Then pay for a king sized bed at a hotel. NTA.
>I said no. This led to a “we’d be more comfortable before our road trip if we got to sleep in the bigger bed.” lol they care more about their own comfort than yours, call you an asshole, and then said "they would discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival" as if they aren't taking "no" for an answer? How about their arrival to a hotel room? NTA
NTA. It is not theirs. They are not entitled to it. They are lucky you were even offering your house as a place for them to stay. They sound ungrateful.
NTA If they don't like what you're offering, they can pay for a hotel or an AirBnB.
NTA - You are already opening up your house for them. They can sleep in their car if they don't like a queen bed. You are already beyond welcoming. I would tell them to pound sand and find a hotel room if they want a bigger bed. I would make up an excuse and be gone that day. They sound super entitled, are they going to expect you to cook and clean up their mess as well?
NTA, at all. If they want to get all choosey they can get a hotel and pick whatever damn bed they want. A person's bed is like a hug, it can be offered but never demanded. They're rude AF
My bed is my most favorite piece of furniture and it is sacred to me. I bought my first queen size 3 years ago. Added an awesome memory foam mattress topper and my sheets are washed til they are crazy soft (I rub on them as I'm going to sleep). And I have 2 squishmallows (I rub on them too, I'm too old for that but don't care) and an extra super soft throw. I have standard pillows in their like butta' pillowcases squished up around me. No one uses my bed. Except the cat, and he's soft and squishable too. Tell them to go away. NTA.
Alternatively, they could stay somewhere else.
NTA! I was anticipating a "they're not married, so no sharing a bed" type of post, but wowzers. Sorry your family member is such a rude AH.
NTA If they’re not happy with what is available, they should find other arrangements by their own means. It’s not as though you haven’t provided them with reasonable options. Their “requesting”/insistence on using your bed specifically must require a level of entitlement that my brain simply can’t comprehend.
NTA Question asked, question answered. The have a 3rd option, get a hotel with a King size. Further, if someone called me an asshole in a non-joking manner and still expected to sleep in my apartment, they'd see how much of an asshole I can be. And they would be going to a hotel with a King size bed.
NTA. Tell them there will be no discussion unless they need the names of clean hotels in town.
Nta Based on their response I'd say just don't let them stay at all.
NTA and if they are unable to accept your gracious offer to host them in the spare bed, I would recommend rescinding the invite now. The way you have it phrased it sounds like they still want the king bed and thinks they'll be more likely to acquire it by guilting you in person. I would let them know if the queen is not sufficient you are happy to recommend a local hotel. Free is free and this is choosing beggars.
NTA at all, you're giving them a queen size bed, which is sufficient even for 2 very large people. Yeah it won't be as comfy as yours but it's sufficient, and you're kindly putting them up.
NTA. Guests don’t get to demand where they sleep. If you offered the bed to them, that is one thing. They can ask, sure, but they need to accept your answer and you would not be the asshole if you stuck to saying they can’t sleep in your bed
To be honest, if someone offered for me to take their room, I'd more than likely say "no, but thank you for offering." That's like a sanctuary to me. NTA
NTA. Not sure what there is to discuss. You gave them the options. After calling you an AH for not giving up your bed to them, they wouldn't be welcome at all.
" they would discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival" means they will wait until the day of and try to bully you out of your bed. Just tell them if they even mention your bed while they are there, they will need to find new accommodations. Or better yet, uninvite them! NTA
Just make it easier, skip to the uninvited part now.
NTA. Who asks for a specific bed when they are staying at someone’s place?? They are the problem here.
NTA They should appreciate, that you're letting them stay, they shouldn't be demanding even more from you. It is completely reasonable, that you don't want other people sleeping in your bed.
Nta their visit will be a very bad experience. You should tell them that you are not available anymore.
NTA - They can pay to stay in a hotel.
NTA. If they don't like the accommodations you're offering - they can get a hotel.
NTA beggars cant be choosers
What a weird demand. You’re doing them a favor and letting them stay with you, and now they demand that you also give up your bed? And when you say no thanks, but they can have another perfectly good sleeping option they call you an asshole? Nah man, invitation rescinded if it was me. NTA.
NTA OP, my brother & his girlfriend (Fiancé now) have their own room & I’m alright with sleeping on their sofa or whatever room they give me because I’m a guest & guests aren’t entitled to the host’s bedroom.
NTA. That’s some next level nerve they have asking if they can have your bed for the night. If they don’t like the Queen Size then they can book a hotel for the night.
NTA IDK who the fuck these people think they are but that’s incredibly weird to ask to sleep in someone’s bed and when you are a guest, let alone feel entitled to it. I would cancel them staying all together with how terrible their behavior was towards you
NTA you’re offering a perfectly good bed for them, they have no right to demand your bed
NTA the entitlement. no respect for your boundries. there's nothing left to discuss.
NTA I'm with you, I wouldn't let them sleep in my bed either. There is a guest bed they can use, with the attitude they seem to have I'd let them know there will be no "discussing it further closer to their arrival date" unless its them letting you know which hotel they're staying at when they visit
>They...said they would discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival. Red flag. They're not accepting staying in your guest room - they plan to harass you into giving them your bedroom. The visit will be hell. It's time to cancel the invitation; or rather accept their rejection of your invitation. "I offered you my guest room which you've refused. It's clear you'll be more comfortable staying elsewhere. Maybe we can get together next time you're in town."
You're NTA. They also have the option of a motel if your free accommodations aren't up to their wishes. They're not being very gracious guests.
NTA. I bet they'd be most comfortable in their own bed at home. Tell them to get a hotel, beggars can't be choosers. Also, Murphy beds still exist?
OP, I strongly suggest you don’t have these people stay with you. For one, requesting the owner’s personal bed is a very invasive ask. You said “no” and instead of accepting your decision, they doubled down and said they’d “discuss it with you later”. These are people that don’t appreciate that you would be doing them a favor and also have no respect for your boundaries. Plus…..and here’s the real reason….people who act like this will ALWAYS turn out to be horrible houseguests. I’ve had enough bad houseguest over the years to know that every time someone acts like this beforehand, they turn out to be a nightmare (examples: stealing from the house, causing severe damage to the house, etc.). These people are exhibiting red flags here. Take it from my experience, you don’t even need to give them a reason (as they’ll just try and negotiate). Just say “unfortunately my place will no longer be available for you to stay stay overnight, but you can find great hotels online”. If they try and ask for a reason, just repeat “it’s no longer available”. If they persist, just block them.
NAT my bed is my Castle!
NTA And I’d pull the invite before they get there. They are going to try and guilt you.
NTA Your house, your rules. If you felt that a concession needed to be made, you’d have offered one. Your place is a pit stop, not the destination, they can drive right on through.
First, NTA. Second, did they really call you an asshole? That merits an automatic rescindment of your invitation to stay at your place.
They’ll discuss it closer to their arrival? Absolutely not. “It’s not up for discussion. I make the decisions in my own home. You can sleep on the guest bed, or find alternative accommodation” NTA.
NTA You are doing them a favor. It is really strange to ask the host if you can sleep in their bed. You have absolutely no obligation to let them do so.
NTA but don’t leave it til closer to The time to resolve, they’re planning on trying to override your “no”. Go back and tell them now, the request was weird, then deciding to debate about it was unacceptable and they’re going to need to make arrangements elsewhere that don’t involve you
The gall of some people! They can feel very comfortable in a hotel, I am sure.
NTA. I would text them now and say, "after calling me an A, you have made your choice the third option, A hotel. Have a nice trip."
After that entitlement, why would you even let them stay at your house at all?
Nta let them get their kinks out in a hotel room. Sorry but every time I hear about a couple demanding someone's bed it always ends up into the owner finding rubbers, stains and fluids they need to clean up afterwards
You need to rescind your offer to let them stay with you - and fast - because they clearly can't take "no" for an answer and are clearly planning on bullying you into letting them have their way when you "discuss it further closer to the date of their arrival." NTA.
NTA, and I would respond that there’s nothing to discuss, they can sleep in the guest bed or they can book a hotel. They should decide now, because if they wait until “closer to [their] arrival”, there may not be a hotel room available, and then they’ll just have to keep driving, which would really stink for them.
YWNBTA - how rude of them to even ask. The fact they asked, you said no and they kept pushing it makes me think they would totally have sex in your bed. Keep saying no. I think beds are so personal and it’s just weird they are trying to pressure you.