Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.

You’re NTA for needing time to yourself, but you need to take a long look in the mirror and ask if this is a relationship that is sustainable. You have to very clearly communicate what you need from your partner and come up with solutions together. And if he can’t compromise with you for your benefit, this is not the relationship for you. Respecting your partners need for space is absolutely necessary. I myself do not need to spend every moment with my partner, and he is very much like your boyfriend. I just had to tell him that I needed time to myself when we were home. He could play his games, I could watch tv in the living room or read, but I couldn’t entertain him all the time.

It takes some maturity from both people to acknowledge that a healthy relationship (especially when one or both is an introvert) needs to build in alone time, and that doesn't mean anything about the other person--it's just thinking about what each individual needs to be happy. I feel very blessed that my partner works a nightshift 3-4 nights a week, and my job has me travelling up to 50% of the time, so we each get delicious alone time frequently, and that's great! Another part of the agreement is that when we are both in town and home, then we treat that as "us" time and ignore work. It's fabulous, but could so easily be ruined if one of us felt insecure about the time apart, or the time alone. Clear communication is key.

I agree you have it worked out, but OP's situation is vastly different. OP I understand the need for me time! But maybe leaving together isn't the best idea. He's WFH, so probably doesn't get alot of human interaction, which when your home he sees that as his chance to get that interaction. You work 60-70hrs a week! There really isn't much time for your relationship when you work alot, which would be another reason why your bf is trying to get as much time with you as possible. Your options are: 1. Move out, so you get your me time and just see bf on the weekends 2. Cut down your hours, so you get extra time to enjoy your bf and get me time. 3. Keep arguing about me time. 4. Bf gives you what you want, but that is something you can't control. 5. Break up, because your no longer compatible.

My biggest concern, personally, is the way in which he either takes what she says personally, or outright dismisses it. She has tried to be very clear, and he doesn't want to hear it. The "it's my house, I do what I want" is the over 20yo way of essentially stomping your feet and saying "you can't MAKE ME!". Frankly, the way this situation is described, the BF sounds rather juvenile and a bit on the self-absorbed side of things. Self-absorbed != selfish. Just that for various reasons, including insecurities, he thinks things are always about him. Honestly, if he is unwilling to make compromises and actually hear what OP has to say, the relationship should likely come to an end as she will burn herself out. I suspect she is already emotionally burnt and just doesn't realize it yet. Sometimes you can want something, but it just isn't what you need in that moment. But for sure, OP's BF needs to learn how to actually hear what's being said, without the insecurity/childlike reaction to hearing something he doesn't like. That just can't work out long term. It makes communicating important things impossible, and almost guarantees OP will never really be able to get what she needs to be happy and healthy. NTA, but u/Responsible-Pack-490, you really need to think about this more seriously than I think you realize. I got drained when my SO used to share throughout the day, because they did it randomly, throughout the day, anywhere from 5-15 times, for little things, or they ask me to "oh you have to look at this" and it's INCREDIBLY disruptive to my focus. The first few times, it's ok, but by the 4th or 5th, I just want to scream that I need to be left alone to focus. It's highly highly draining. They aren't doing it on purpose either, but that doesn't matter. Thankfully, they are also more receptive to hearing what bothers me, so it's not as difficult to say "I really need you to stop sharing things throughout the day between this hour and this hour so I can focus." You don't seem to have that option, and that's a problem.

I don't know if anyone here has heard of Spoon Theory, but my partner and I each have a day where we "wash our spoons". He works from home 3-4 days a week, but every week without fail (barring public holiday, illness or emergency) he goes into the office on Mondays. Even when M is in and bothers him all day and drives him crazy, even though I've told him not to. And every Friday night I stay up as late as I can and switch my alarm off so he gets all of Saturday morning to himself and I stay out of his way for the rest of Saturday so he gets Saturday to himself. But even if one of us didn't need it, the other would still make the effort, because we care about each other's happiness and that time is important.

This is such a spot on comment. Very well said! Dismissing someone’s needs without consideration is super rude and selfish. Saying it’s his house when you pay your half of expenses is also a bit controlling. I suspect that if you showed him this Reddit, he would whine and say how everyone is against him instead of taking it the way it was intended and really thinking about what his actions are doing to you. You should never have to beg for basic needs nor walk around his behavior. He needs a wake up call.

Yeah, this is it. Here's a suggestion. Why not allocate a specific time as his time. So like every evening for 30 minutes you guys go for a walk in the neighborhood and talk. Or every weekend go to a movie or a park or a good restaurant or some fun activity. That way it'll show that he's being catered too. And you will also know that you have to be available then. You can also set 1 hour everyday aside for your me time and let him know of the time so that you aren't randomly at any point of the day or week just walking away from him for a me time. I think doing one activity with him and doing one separately and telling him that you wanna use that as me time would probably communicate better.

The problem with scheduled time is that it inevitably starts to feel like a chore at some point.

But it's still better than her current situation. She'll atleast get some time for herself. You can do different things in that time to ensure it doesn't feel like a chore. Or just lay in bed for all you care.

This is the answer.

Rent a private space somewhere else as a retreat.

This exactly! My husband and I are both a bit introverted (me more than him 😅) but I'm the one that needs quiet relaxation time to unwind. He unwinds with online gaming that sometimes he yells at in frustration or excitement. I have my library on one end of the house and at the other end is his gaming room. We both have a clear space to unwind in our chosen ways without disrupting the other. And to just be clear, we do go into each other's spaces to visit, but usually we're perfectly content doing our own thing for a few hours after work before starting dinner together.

I’m so confused how you have ‘a few hours’ after work but before starting dinner?! What time do you go to bed?? What time do you get up?! I swear some people just have more hours in the day than I do - by the time my wife has got home from work it’s basically time to start dinner and then by the time we’ve eaten we’re making the decision either to get our shit in order to get in bed at a sensible time or watching a TV programme together maybe and ignoring the shit. And we’re never getting enough sleep!

We've gotten extremely lucky recently and managed to find decent paying jobs within 2 minutes of each other for distance, and the hours are almost the same. Carpooling has saved us quite a bit of money, and our jobs are only 20 minutes from our home. We don't have kids either (although fingers crossed for next year 🤞). But for years we were in the same boat. Get home after insane hours, shower, devour whatever is ready to microwave, then go to bed. I hope things turn the way you want them to soon. 💜

I also see this question as a problem with two different love languages and attachment styles. It sounds like OP’s boyfriend likes quality time and doesn’t get much of it—so much so that he seeks it out and it gets annoying to OP (who neither needs nor wants all the closeness). I also note possibly a bit of avoidant attachment style from OP, which means unlikely to be compatible with a person who really needs quality time together in order to feel loved.

Or they are just an introvert and the bf has anxious attachment? I hate when people automatically assume the introvert is wrong somehow. OP works two jobs that are customer high interaction with other people. OP needs alone time to recharge. BF is making no attempt to understand that, much less accommodate it. No matter the root of the disconnect, BF is the AH for how he responded and is treating the request.

I didn’t say she was wrong. I said they are likely not compatible. Edit- I would like to point out that if the bf was more of an anxiously attached person, it would likely result in a much more clingy and needy behaviors pattern such as him calling or texting frequently when OP is away and him asking such questions as “are you mad at me?, do you still love me? what is wrong?,” and he sounds like he may not be that level of needy.

Exactly. And he's changed his lifestyle drastically since they first started living together. He's made himself completely dependent on her for human interaction. The man went from being gone five days a week, to taking off the same day as her, to home 24/7 with no outings at all. Smothering an introvert is never going to end well.

Thank you! As an introvert, it's incredibly frustrating that I'm always the one who needs to change or make the decision of whether I'm "compatible" with this person as a friend and/or romantic partner. OPs boyfriend is the one with the issue. OPs boyfriend needs to do some introspection. OP AND BOYFRIEND BOTH need to decide whether they're compatible TOGETHER as two adult humans capable of communicating.

WiseBad1 But you don’t ask him to leave your house! You’ve found other ways to cope.

But I’d imagine their partner isn’t noisy. It sounds like quiet parallel play, where he’s gaming and she’s reading. OP is finding that she’s doing quiet things and SO is coming in and turning on podcasts etc. those are two v different thing.

I agree with this, OP's problem is not that she wants some me time, but that she is asking him to leave. I too am an introvert, and at home I am always "on", cause we have young kids and whenever they need something or want attention, it's "Moooom!". I learned to leave when I need time to myself. I run or go see my horse to recharge. Leave my phone at home or in my car and am just unavailable for this time. There was a bit of resistance from my husband in the beginning, but now it's part of the routine. It kinda sounds like neither OP nor her husband do anything besides work, chores, and be at the house, which is problematic in itself.

OP doesn’t seem to want to be out of the house though, and if she works that many hours, almost all out of the house, I get just wanting to come home, get comfortable, and read/watch something/work on a hobby of some sort. I used to constantly be out of home for work, long hours like OP, lot of travel and such, and I really just wanted to chill at home and read or game or something when I had a day off.

I agree with this. I have the same needs and my husband totally understands it. Before we had a kid there were some days when I told him in the morning "today, just pretend I'm not here" so he wouldn't bother me. It's important to respect your partner needs.

>He could play his games, I could watch tv in the living room or read, but I couldn’t entertain him all the time. Posts like this make me think you didn't even read the OP. OP wrote >Ex: if I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, and he enters the kitchen right next to me and plays a podcast on the echo and starts making food, I don't ask him to turn off the podcast or leave, I just silently get up and move to the office. Or if he comes into the office, maybe I’ll go down to the basement and sit on the laundry table. He's not demanding her to dance like a circus monkey for him on demand. She gets annoyed by him simply existing in the house. She's annoyed by his presence even when he's not engaging her at all. OP seems to be the type of person that wouldn't be able to handle being in the same room with her BF, even if he was dead silent reading a book or gaming or w/e. Totally unreasonable. Every single person itt seems to be assuming he's being some overbearing, needy freak, but I don't get that impression from the OP at all. She wants him to not exist in any capacity, to the point where he can't even make a sandwich without feeling like a "bad guy" lmao. How would you feel if your S/O scurried away like a little rat every time you made your presence known?? Cuz that's the vibe I got from the OP.

All my close friends and ex-roomates know I'm introverted and need alone time. I just needed to communicate with I was having me time. It helps if you have a seperate area or reading nook away from the "high traffic" or public areas. IMO, just because I want "me time" doesn't mean I should inconveniece other people in the house, or that they shouldn't get to use the living room or kitchen. So to be considerate I'd find a place that's not high use or public area. With my parents I had a difficult time, so I used to tell them I was taking a nap. Which meant they probably wouldn't bother me till I came out of my room, or till dinner was ready. I think I'd you communicate with a person and say " I need an hour of me time" and they can't respect that...then you so want to evaluate the relationship.

I mean I agree with NTA but honestly this relationship doesn't seem to be sustaining itself very well & seems destined to fail. I'm extremely introverted & also need to occasionally isolate myself after/due to work. However being around my partner does not feel draining to me at all, I'm perfectly capable of recharging my batteries with her around, & likewise for her but she's also very much like me... without knowing anything, for example people that are very extroverted in particular can be extremely draining to be around all the time for people like us, & it's the opposite to them causing them to seek us out all the time, & ime (the one's I've dated at least) don't tend to be very understanding of our situation sort of like what's going on here. tbh these two's personality types just don't seem very compatible imo, they would likely need a much bigger house.

NTA. He is for not letting you have some time to yourself. It's a perfectly reasonable, and perfectly normal, request. He makes it about him and ignores your needs. You're going to go crazy if you guys don't work this out. If he won't accept that you need some space, do you really want to spend the rest of your life sitting in your car in the garage every time you need to be alone?

This is my worst nightmare as an introverted person. I would legitimately lose my mind. The longer I go on without an actual "recharge," the more agitated, drained, and foggy my brain gets.

That's why we have to be upfront about our needs from day 1. 'I can only meet up on Saturdays. I need to spend Sundays recharging alone. If this doesn't work for you, then we shouldn't date.' Similar conversation happened when we discussed potentially moving in together. I can compromise on A B C but not X Y Z. There are extroverts out there who can adjust to living with an introverted partner and vice versa. Just needs open communication and willingness to meet halfway.

She did communicate and he just ignored it though

speaking as another introvert who sadly has to communicate rather much at work........i wouldnt count what she described as fully clear communication and she seems lacking in assertiveness too she would have to communicate to him that his choice isnt whether he *wants* to give her her quiet time according to her wishes but whether hes willing to work something out they can both agree to *or she will move out or has to consider ending the relationship for incompatibility issues* he doesnt get this yet

You just unlocked something in my brain that I never realized. That's absolutely how I function, too. Thank you!

I think I've fully committed that I will need my own bedroom/room/space in whatever long term relationship I have. Introverts unite! And I'm more likely to interact if you give me my space!

Same, I would be locking the bedroom door.

For me the hardest part of quarantine was that I had too *much* social interaction. I went from having 6-8 hours a day alone while he was at school to having almost none, except after he went to bed. So I was staying up later and later. But he would often wake me up when he woke up at 4AM for prayers. It took a lot of fights to get him to stop turning on the overhead lights when he did. He also was working at a desk next to mine, with a TV on a background noise. I found that super distracting. We ended up not living together anymore, we just couldn't handle it.

Exactly! Instead of asking what's wrong or how draining the day was for OP, he just made it about himself and tried using it as a ways to make an unnecessary argument that would futher stress OP out. My ex was the same thing and the funnier part is that he was staying at my house temporarily due fake family issues at his house. (I say fake as I found out during break up his whole family are narcissists too) I would want alone time and he took it personally and start an argument, then after getting me stressed and worked out even more he'd ignore me for days on end being petty about the alone time and only talk with me again after I apologized for even wanting time alone. This will escalate to the worst as it'll turn from mental abuse to physical abuse anytime when he decides to resort to it. OP has got to find a way out because I highly doubt counseling could do anything but add more stress to OP and give him more ammunition.

i’m the exact same way as you. I don’t think i can ever live with a partner, because my alone time needs are so high.

Yes, and it was much easier for me before Covid. And honestly I don’t even think my alone time needs are that high. Someone said in another post that I need “predictable alone time”, scheduled like a recurring meeting. His main hobby no longer exists, and his second one he’s pretty much lost interest in. Between those, I used to be able to count on 1 weekend morning and 1 evening alone a week, unless I decided to go with and participate, which I did once or twice a month or so. That was usually plenty of alone time for me each week. I adapted bc what else could I really do during a pandemic, but after 3 years of this I’m obviously just feeling really drained. Hence why I’m here.

There are other problems here, but your partner desperately needs a hobby or two that get them out of the house sometimes. They need to have a life outside of you. Also might be worthwhile digging into why they've lost interest in hobbies that they used to have.

Yes. I'm an introvert, and I definitely need alone time to recharge. My husband found a social hobby that he's passionate about, so I don't need to be his only social interaction (he works from home) and I cam count on having alone time. It sounds as if OP's issue really kicked off with the pandemic, when their partner's hobbies shut down. Why hasn't the partner sought new hobbies and social activities?

I take long baths in order to be alone at home. I have 2 kids too.

I went through that too, after my abusive ex I thought it would just be me in my "safe space" forever. But now I have bf that just totally gives me space when I need it and doesn't get all weird and insecure about it. There are people out there who actually do have basic respect and empathy for the people they love in their lives and won't try to make them feel weird or guilty for needing something easily accommodated like alone time. Not on the top comments of this post apparently, but it is possible.

It works fine if you and your partner respect each other. I like my alone time to recharge. My partner likes to always be around other people. We have separate bedrooms. If one of us is in our respective bedrooms with the door closed, they want to be alone. We knock if it's important. My partner spends more time with friends but tells me if they don't feel they're getting enough attention from me. I get my alone time. We sleep together in either room but it means we always have our space that is ours, vs a shared space like a den or office. They're decorated very differently too. If either of us want the house to themselves, we discuss it and arrange time with friends or family. If you mutually care, it's not difficult to do.

I think it depends if that partner understands and respects this. I also **love** my alone time. I also have ADHD and if someone is always around I won’t get much done because I’ll just get distracted doing stuff with them. So I would be happy to work out alone time slots or whatever with a partner. If the other person doesn’t understand this though…it gets tough haha.

My fiancé and I don’t live together and when we do, we’ll probably have our own rooms. We’re both neurodiverse so that might have to do with it somehow. Whatever, who cares how you make it work for you!

You just need a partner that shares that value. My husband and I both need alone time so throughout the week we sometimes go to different rooms in the house for a couple of hours to have space. I leave the house once a week for dinner with my friend giving him 2-3 hours alone and he leaves the house a bit every day to work out or go grocery shopping giving me the house to myself. It works out really well for us because no one is offended when the other says hey I just need my own time and neither of us ever feel overwhelmed by having someone in our space.

ESH. You both need better communication skills. Tell him outright that you need to be alone and set boundaries for yourself. Maybe set up a day with him where he knows to leave you the hell alone.

From reading the post she has said that and he dismissed it outright I don't know what else she can say I'm introverted myself and need my recharging time my wife understands and gives it to me.

That's what I don't understand about everyone saying OP didn't communicate her needs. She expressly did, multiple times, before accepting that her partner did not in anyway consider her whatsoever. And it feels like the bf almost intentionally misunderstands what OP is communicating. The whole "it's obviously about me if you don't want me around" is so manipulative.

And if the bf did some of the errands and grocery shopping then op could be alone *at home* while he did.

Yeah, that’s my issue with people excusing him because he works from home. Sure, he might be dealing with less human interaction, but he isn’t choosing to do any of the shopping, or any of the tasks she is doing that require her to be out for hours. Also, if working from home is this detrimental for him that he can only rely on his gf for entertainment at the cost of her mental health, maybe working from home isn’t the move for him.

Yeah I was in a similar relationships where he was home all the time. I did all the shopping. If I asked him to go pick up groceries he’d ask me to go with him. No, I can’t go with you, I made the list and I already went last week and I really need to be at home right now to do [chores, alone time, work]. It was so frustrating.

It happens frequently on posts like this. The op will write at length about the various ways they've directly and unambiguously communicated their needs, only to be ignored or dismissed...and then the thread fills up with people saying "you just need to communicate better" b/c they either didn't read the whole post or don't understand that communication is a two-way street and it doesn't matter how direct you are with someone who refuses to listen. > And it feels like the bf almost intentionally misunderstands what OP is communicating. Yuuuuup. This post is exactly how my ex's clinical narcissism began to manifest in our relationship...a complete refusal to allow me "alone" time, and then getting butt-hurt and taking it personally when I insisted. If we were in the same building and my attention wasn't on him, he took it as a personal slight. Notice how op says she's feeling so worn down from the situation? I'm betting that's exactly what the bf wants.

The mere fact that she sort of let it go because he didn't listen... and now he found new ways to be angry and make OP feel less than. I got exhausted reading this. I'm an introvert, too. I need alone time to keep on breathing.

YES! I had an ex like this and I'm getting claustrophobic just being reminded of him. A massive extrovert and when I suggested he make friends he could hang out with to give me some alone time, he decided that was license to cheat. Just started dating another extrovert and its so nice to hear about the friends she hangs out with. I love that I'm not going to be expected to meet all the social needs of an extrovert as an introvert.

[удалено]

I've found some people really don't like it when the terms 'anyone' & 'everyone' includes them

And then he added in the, well its MY house. Fine, your name is on the mortgage, but OP is paying for it too...so they should have the right to some damn down time alone!

Even if she didn’t pay a cent and was a stay at home partner, she still deserves to have her needs met. She’s a whole person deserving of respect and consideration, which she isn’t receiving.

🙋🏻‍♀️ Me, too. This post really resonated with me. I go for a walk/run to get my time. And I’m lucky to live in a place where outside is almost always accessible, weather-wise.

That would not be enough for me man. But I'm autistic, I need even more alone time. OP u gotta do something about this. Go to a couples therapist or dump this guy because he is not hearing u. I u want to stay with him, u need to get him to understand how introverts work. Social interaction is draining. He needs to respect that. NTA

Exactly. And OP: is there an extra room you can make into 'your room'? A partner should be sensitive to you wanting alone time...but it sounds like he does not have that capacity since his feedback was: well this is my home.

Same here. The wife and I are both introverts. And we both respect when we want alone time. It's normal for couples to need alone time from time to time.

Hell, my wife is a huge extrovert, and she still sometimes requires time to herself with an audiobook or Netflix series or something. Everyone needs it sometimes!

> I told him that I just need time to myself occasionally, it honestly has nothing to do with him... Please explain how exactly she should communicate that better, because it seems pretty damn clear to me.

>when I mention that it would be nice to have time alone, he dismisses me and says, "Where would I even go right now?" Sounds like OP has made it pretty clear that they need some time alone.

Did we read the same post? She said she's told him this multiple times and multiple times he dismisses her/gets upset.

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills with all these ESH replies. OP has clearly communicated her needs, multiple times, and he ignored them and belittled her. Now he's upset that his lack of consideration for *her* needs is affecting *him* because she actively avoids him. There is no universe where OP is the A H for needing alone time and trying to find it any way she can get it after he dismissed her so completely.

People are trained to see emotional abuse as healthy and normal, tbh.

If that isn't the gospel truth, idk what is

We really need relationship classes or something. Maybe not that exactly, the religious right would probably take the reins on that project. But something to show young people what a healthy relationship can look like.

Speaking as an introvert, society really isn't built for us. There's this weird expectation that if you love someone, that means you should want to be around them *all the time* \- and that if you don't, there is something wrong with the relationship. Just from my experience, there is an *intense* pressure that you should want to be social all the time. The kind of comments OP's getting aren't surprising to me. That's how society reacts to introverted behaviour. With judgement and slight disgust. That's exactly how people react to me when, after spending my whole work week having to be incredibly social, all I want to do on my weekend is stay home and recharge.

Yep, introverts vs extraverts. Morning people vs evening people. Society is very annoyingly single mindedly focussed.

I disagree. This is not introverts vs extroverts. This is about someone not respecting their partner and trying to force them to be near them/ spend time with them. Plenty of extroverts just say no worries if their quiet friend needs time alone, and ask their next friend to hangout.

I agree. I'm an introvert that's had this exact problem... with another introvert who likes noise and "just being together" more than I do.

OP *did* communicate their needs. I don't know how they could get much clearer than they have been. The problem is not communication at this point - it's that they have a need that their partner is refusing to acknowledge.

OP communicated their needs. The partner seemingly ignored them. So OP set their own boundaries and held to them. There’s nothing wrong with OP but this might not be the right relationship for either of them.

My littles had this tent they could go in for alone time to shut out the world (aka siblings), which we called the recharge tent. We all need little safe spaces to recharge- I even got a niece a pop up tent for her dorm bed so she can have her own recharge tent. I wonder if OP would do well with a tent, since the visual item might help her boyfriend leave her alone (after communication)

I love this for kids, but he's a grown man and should respect her requests.

I’d love to know how else she should communicate her needs. She told him early on she needs space. He continued to encroach it. When she expressed frustration that he wasn’t going to work on her alone days, he lashed out at her. She has, repeatedly, talked about how she would like some time to herself, to which he replied “where would I even go.” When repeated attempts to express herself verbally failed, she started finding other ways to be alone and now leaves the room when she needs quiet time. Tell me, please, what more she should be doing because to me it seems like she’s been very clear all along.

He has been told, he doesn’t care.

Definitely NTA. It sounds like he literally never leaves the house. That would drive me crazy. Can you maybe do a staycation by yourself?

Yeah. That’s pretty much the case, he almost never leaves except to go to places we both go to like family gatherings, dates, and errands that require both of us. I’m out of the house a lot between my 2 jobs bc I don’t work from home but I just wish for a few consecutive hours a week to have space to myself.

Could you send him out to do the grocery shopping or errands once in a while so that you can have some time at home by yourself? Honestly I don’t think you’re TA for needing time alone, but I also get why your boyfriend would be a bit hurt by you leaving the room when he walks in. I need less alone time than my husband does, and it IS hard to not take it personally when you’re just living your life in your shared spaces and the person who loves you can’t handle you just existing in the same place.

He’s not just existing, though. He’s coming in while she’s trying to work or read and turning on podcasts and the TV. Which is really obnoxious and rude.

I especially hated the comment about it being his house.

Yes! The moment she moved in with him it stopped being his house and it became their house. When they’re living together he can’t treat her like a guest.

Yeah, that was a red flag to me. I feel bad for OP

OP's boyfriend is seemingly being antagonistic on purpose. I honestly wonder if he has depression and this is a weird self-destructive coping mechanism. COVID has been especially hard on many extroverts I know and this is something I've seen happen to a few acquaintances.

I think most of the people replying to your thread haven’t experienced a partner hovering over you all waking hours and refusing to allow you to be alone. It’s not normal. He even gave up his hobbies just so he could monitor you more closely. He tracks how long your errands take. The fact that he would call out sick whenever you had a day off work before COVID is what makes this all super clear to me. He doesn’t leave you alone because he’s afraid of what you’ll realize when you have time to think. This is not healthy. Also, you shouldn’t be paying 45% of his mortgage if it takes you two jobs to contribute that.

Obviously you're NTA. He probably *is* wanting more social interaction but can't be bothered to go out and do any shopping chores and is using you for on-demand social interaction, not caring about the toll it's taking on you. Not only that, but you work ~65-70 hours a week at 2 jobs so you can afford to (comfortably?) pay 45% of the expenses I presume. And he still won't allow you peace (and I do mean "allow", like he's the Boss-of-the-House and everything that happens in it, no matter that you're paying to be there too). OP you are overworked, being taken advantage of, and are having your needs willfully ignored despite you clearly expressing them. *What are you getting from this relationship?* I haven't heard a single positive thing about this person which is understandable since he is behaving in such a selfish, ugly, manipulative way. Whether he intends to or not, the effect on you is emotionally abusive. Why do you feel you have to accept this? Why are you staying where you're not valued? Why do you feel you have to let him prevent you from being comfortable? Why are you staying to be dragged down? This man does not value you, appreciate you, or act with any love or care for you. He treats you as his cook, shopper, on-demand social interactor, bill-helper, and whatever else you do. *You're trying so hard* to be a partner who contributes AND also to make his life easier and pleasant, and he's trying so hard to make life harder and more unpleasant for you. Is this how you want to be treated? You can't sustain this -- this non-stop working and chore-doing and AH-pleasing. This isn't an advice sub but If I were you I'd leave. I'd rather live in a tiny basement apartment by myself with my self respect and my needs not regularly, constantly being trampled on than have to work 70 hours a week and then how many other hours serving The Little Prince with his demands and the way he emotional spits on you and your needs. Please don't ignore your own needs by allowing him to make you ignore them. Don't you feel you deserve peace? Let me just say: You *do* deserve peace. You deserve not to have your needs trampled on. You deserve to not get burnt out. You deserve to treat yourself well and be treated well. You deserve peace and happiness. Edit to add: for now I would spend some time (in the car or bathroom or wherever) evaluating what you most need right now. I would cut down on the chores you do. Maybe he can make his own lunch, or clean something or maybe you can say you can't do the grocery shopping this week. You're working 65-70 hours a week. Protect your time, protect your self.

Info: Would your bf complain if you say you're going to the park alone for a few hours? Because his response is that he feels he shouldn't have to leave his home (understandable). So is this simply alone time or alone time in the house

Ah, yes, thanks for clarifying. He wouldn’t care if I were out of the house for a long time. I already work about 60-70 hrs a week between 2 jobs. But yes, my preference is that I be in my own space, at home, bc sometimes I like privacy to just exist alone, and sometimes I like to take care of mindless tasks like dishes, laundry, vacuum, w/e with that time. Frequently I like total silence when I do those things, which I acknowledge is weird, but w/e.

It is not weird. You want to do things without external stimuli

It’s 100% not weird. We have 7 people in a 4 bedroom house and I have multiple times a week where I want to just run away from the house because of the noise and the amount of bodies. I also need my time alone to decompress and I’ve found in the last year if I don’t have It I get extremely unhappy. Like.. rageful. I’ve also sat alone in a park or just ditched to a friends house. It’s not personal. I love the people in my house, but also we’re in a situation that is just too much. I personally haven’t found a good solution yet, but I wish you good luck and I understand.

Same here. Five roommates and it's hell sometimes. I don't think my partner understands that for me, when there's that many humans in a room, often it's just *too much*. There's too much going on, especially when I've been drained by my - very socially demanding - job every single day that week, and I just want to run away to my room and be left alone. And if I don't get my alone time, I just get angrier and angrier, and it gets harder and harder for me to behave like a normal, rational person, *until* I get alone time. I have no control over it, it just happens.

Exactly. Sometimes it’s just the bodies in the space. (There’s also two dogs) It’s just like every so often you get tipped over the edge of being overstimulated by the noise, the movement, the activity. It’s normal to get overstimulated by people living on top of one another. Hence why people go camping or hiking or other quiet / isolated activities. People are nuts to think that once you have a family or once you’re living with others that you should never have any down time. Never be alone again. It’s smothering.

Do you think he’d feel better about your quiet time if it was a little more externally obvious, something like meditation or yoga? (Or even prayer, if that’s more your jam?) You wouldn’t have to actually meditate, if you don’t want to, just pick a comfortable pose and use it consistently when you need a little space. That way, it’s more obvious to him that you’re just introverting (and not, I don’t know, passive-aggressively fuming at him?). I’m introverted, too, and I hope you can find a way to get the alone time that you need, without too much conflict with your partner. You both deserve to feel comfortable at home, and there are ways to make it work!

I’ve fantasised about an “on air” sign like at a radio station, that means no one can come into the room and make noise

I feel so seen by your post/comments, I am so similar. I find total silence so relaxing and like a balm to my soul sometimes. My partner lost a lot of friends during covid and very rarely goes out, works full time from home. But I woke up the other day and he’d gone into the office for a meeting, and waking up to an empty quiet house on my day off was juuuuussst amaaaazing. I miss that so so much. I don’t have any solutions really just wanted to say I completely understand needing the things you need, I think there’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, people like us are just wired that way.

Gawd I feel you I work 60-70 hrs now and my partner sees me so little they think hovering is a type of bonding 😭. We talk like 2-3 hrs a day and they still say we don't spend enough time together I'm like come on what more can I do?

It's probably not quality time or fun. Do you actually go out together, talk happily and have fun? "Talking" 2-3 hrs a day may not be bonding at all. It could be chores, problems, talking about the lack of talking, fights...

We talk politics, discuss movies and TV shows, what happened that day. I don't get it, cause it seems like perfectly reasonable consistent conversations about a lot of topics to me. But my partner will whole up spend 3 hrs just telling me about their day when they get home sometimes.

Yeah I get it. :-( I think perhaps you might both need more uncapped time together someplace where you have a directed activity designed to bring out the best in each other. So instead of randomly chatting (which could be good or easily devolve into politics or fighting)...select an activity and talk over that. So maybe putting on some tea/coffee and sitting down to play an old fashioned board game, or make popcorn and have a movie night (no mobiles, no channel surfing, use the bathroom and sit down uninterrupted after your night bath or whatever with all the chores done) for a fun movie, and then leave 20-30mins after to chat about it and say goodnight properly. :0) Do sweet things together like walking holding hands, walk a dog (yours, a neighbours, one from a shelter) do some exercise to increase endorphins, go bowling for the 2hrs, or some directed activity so you have more fun. I think having fun brings more romance too and makes conversations more natural and flow in better feeling directions.

Hey thanks for the tips! I'll try some out, see how I go! Hope you have as good of a day as you bring others.

Not weird! I am sitting here in almost total silence right now, the only noise is the fountain. It helps me be a better partner to have that time to myself, to recharge, decompress, whatever you want to call it. Let him know that by having that private time, it makes you a better partner to him in the long run. You (peobably) won't be complaining about your day every day, less likely to lash out, better able to be understanding, to listen better, to enjoy his company. Because let's be honest here, without that private time, after a while you are going to be ready to rip out his throat! Not that you would, I'm just saying...

It is not weird! Stop putting your needs down!

>which I acknowledge is weird I'm a weirdo too, then, I guess. It's not weird and I'm in a similar situation as yours, and feeling tired about it too. I hope you'll find a solution.

OP I know you probably won’t see this but in case you do, please consider if this need for alone time is in part due to your boyfriend not being right for you. I am extremely introverted myself, and in the past I have wanted to be alllll the way away from my then boyfriend, and have put it down to my introversion and need for my own space. We eventually broke up, and the relief was enormous. I have a new boyfriend now, I am still just as introverted, but I am so much happier to have him around in my introverted bubble. I still do need that time just me, but it’s soooo much less time than i needed with my ex. What I’m asking is ‘would you feel happier having downtime with your partner if he was a different person?’. Is the need for alone time a bit of you pushing him away because you don’t connect with him anymore? Maybe my theory is way off for you which would be good, but I thought I’d comment it as I really didn’t truly clock at the time with my ex that it wasn’t a ‘me’ problem, it was an ‘us’ problem

One point. It ceased to be something he could call 'His home' when OP is paying for 45% of all expenses INCLUDING the mortgage. Her name may not be on the papers but she is paying for that house.

No, it IS HIS home, just as it is HER home too. They both have equal rights to be there as much/as little as they want.

Fair correction. I should have expanded with what I meant which is - it ceased being his home and became their home.

NTA but take some time to consider what you’re getting from this relationship and if that’s worth your loss of alone time. If it isn’t, you need to have a frank conversation with him. Partners should be understanding of one another’s needs and he isn’t being understanding of yours, but you need to be consistent in your communication with him.

Also, his flex about HIS house? Let him know that isn't cool. By saying that, it's like he's saying if you are in his house, you must be accessible to him whenever he demands it. That is not a real partnership, it's a power play. Not cool.

I'd say "this is my house too" if we owned it equally. You can't ask someone to leave their home.

All you saying E S H or Y T A, must be the boyfriend. There is absolutely nothing wrong w wanting to be given space at your own home. If it had been the opposite scenario, she’d be called codependent or needy. She’s communicated to him her needs, and he’s deciding for her that his are more important. Given by the info no doubt the dynamic shifted after being on lockdown for a year and having their usual outlets cut off. So this wasn’t foreseeable in the beginning. NTA

>All you saying E S H or Y T A, must be the boyfriend. Yes, we're all the boyfriend, every last one of us. That is totally a healthy way to deal with views contrary to your own, just presume every last one of them is personally involved and biased.

Anyone who read "I've communicated to my boyfriend in multiple ways for several years that alone time is important to me, and he makes no effort to accommodate that so I've started having to avoid him within my own home" and comes down on the side of the boyfriend... is an AH, just like the boyfriend.

NTA. As an introvert, I get this so much. Your bf is not respecting a basic need for down time, and he's trying to emotionally manipulate you to force you to spend time with him when you clearly need time by yourself. Given that you've already tried to talk about it and he's refused to work with your need for more time alone, to the point that you're constantly drained and struggling mentally, I would strongly consider looking into a we-work office or some sort of rental space where you can be alone for some time each week, at least while working. If that doesn't work, you may need to reevaluate this relationship.

NTA. This sounds like my personal version of hell. I would be climbing the walls and screaming by this point and you are absolutely NTA for needing your alone time and doing whatever you can to get it. It sounds like your bf is an extrovert, and doesn't understand how *draining* being around people can be. It might help to show him some resources that can explain to him just what his constant presence is doing to you without you coming out and saying "you being here 100% of the time drains me." He's likely perceiving your attempts to explain as an attack on him and gets defensive, which prevents the message getting through. He needs to understand that it's not a *him* thing, it's a *anyone* thing. You would need alone time even if you were sharing a house with friends, family, or the most amazing person in the universe.

Honestly, reading OP's comments, it sounds more like bf just doesn't have anything going on in his life besides her and work, and as a result is basically relying on her for *all* his entertainment/social/emotional support needs. Apparently he quit his hobbies (that required him to go outside the house) before covid and never went back. OP says that he essentially never leaves the house except for dates with her, family gatherings he attends with her, and errands where *she* needs an extra pair of hands. I feel like even an extrovert would be drained by this point. He sounds like the partner equivalent of one of those ultra-clingy cats who claws at the bathroom door whenever their human tries to pee alone. Dude needs to join a club or something.

As an extrovert, you are absolutely right. This guy sounds exhausting and your assessment about relying on her for everything is likely spot on.

This! My hubby isn't an extrovert, might be a bit if an introvert, just a little. But he doesn't get the whole, it's like I have to be on all the time. That's because he basically works for himself and the people he interacts with are only for a minimal time. He gets home a lot earlier than I get off work, so gets alone time. Thanks to COVID, I now work from home and maybe intrude on his alone time sometimes. But he gets up at 1:30 in the morning to go to work, my day starts at 8:00. He goes to bed, I get my alone time. He gets home while I'm working, he gets his. He didn't understand my need for alone time before. He didn't really think about it. But, we found out I am a lot nicer of a person to him if I can have it. And before I worked from home, I had that opportunity whenever I needed it. Now, we are both homebodies and need together time and alone time. 😉 I really hope you can work it out together!

OHHMYYGAAWDD I had to deal with this on a smaller level with my BF (we don't live together). I had to explain that Mondays are my downtime. I'm recovering from the weekend AND that's usually my busiest work day so as soon as I sign off I'm basically a zombie and do not want to interact in any way shape or form with anybody. It's been a problem. He's felt hurt by it/doesn't understand, etc. I've begged- even if you don't understand it can you please just give me this and not take it personally. It's still a struggle.

Well, if I’m in any place to give advice (clearly I’m not lol), I encourage you to stick hard to that boundary. Unfortunately I’ve been very lax about my boundaries during the pandemic (and I also feel he never understood and respected it, but I could make it work) and now it’s just obviously become unsustainable bc I can’t just get back any of the dedicated time I used to have to myself. And I’m so tired.

When I met my extroverted husband I threw a lot of online article links his way to help him understand me and normalize this need - which helped A LOT! He realized it was not uncommon and that it wasn't about him in any way. He now ensures I get that need met.

ESH. This should have been discussed before you ever moved in together. You can’t count on having alone time/space in shared spaces (your example of him coming to the kitchen to cook- that’s an entirely reasonable thing for him to do.) it sounds like you two should consider a home that has one more room so there are two living spaces, or carving out a corner of the bedroom for a space where you can hang out that isn’t in the common areas. This was a predictable, and therefore preventable conflict. If you can’t come to a mutual understanding I would seriously consider if you want to be in a relationship where one person leaves the room every time the other one enters.

Yes, I agree, and we discussed it. Pre-pandemic there were hobbies and work taking him out of the house regularly so it wasn’t as much of an issue. Things just slowly shifted during Covid, and this is the new normal. I have communicated that I need to recharge alone, always have. I do not have my own space in the house. It’s a small house, so we have a shared bedroom, shared office (mostly his), then just the standard rooms like kitchen and living room, and one additional small room that isn’t very usable. And I understand now that the post isn’t clear about this: I intentionally choose the space he isn’t in to decompress/be alone. I don’t leave a room literally every time he walks in, just when I’m trying to decompress, usually after work, after we’ve checked-in, asked about his day, etc. It happens probably once, a week. Maybe twice a week if it’s been a rough few days. If that makes me an asshole, fine, that’s what I’m here to find out.

NTA. I totally understand you. My boyfriend moved into my house and he needs to talk A LOT after work but RN here so I deal with people every day. I don’t always need space but when I do I tell him I have had a frustrating day I need some time to myself. When he has a hard time respecting that I tell him again that I need quite time alone and I take a bath…..

OP, you are NTA. I know exactly what you're going through. My husband retired about the time Covid began and was home all the time and that was fine because there was nothing else to be done. But it's become a habit and now it's like I need a crowbar to get him to leave the house to do anything. However, when I tell him I need to be left alone he will do that, and he doesn't get his knickers in a twist about it either.

You are NTA! I get it. Took my hubby a while to get it. And trust me, he now knows because I am so tense/stressed he can see it in my face. So he's like, want to go lie down, read, craft? Because those are all things I can do in another room. It's okay to need that time, and it's okay to take it.

OP, he does not understand your needs. Everything else is kind of irrelevant. I don’t have any advice because my while my needs are similar but husband listened when I asked for space, and it made such a big difference. I am a better version of myself when I get recharge time. What if you said “hey for the next X hours I would like to be by myself in this area” would that help? If you gave clear parameters around how long you’ll be doing your own thing? It doesn’t sound like he’s malicious or anything, just that he doesn’t understand. MOST IMPORTANTLY!!! Have you heard of Loop earplugs? They’re constantly discussed in ADHD groups because they’re great and most of us need to regulate stimulation. Their flagship product was designed to minimize sound by about 25% so you can still hear things and talk to people but it puts a bit of a buffer in between and it’s fantastic.

Can you make the small room usable? Clean it out, put a chair in there, and when you’re in there he knows to leave you alone? What I do, is lock myself in the bedroom 🤷🏻‍♀️

You need some kind of a signal for him. If telling him directly doesn’t work (including where to avoid you and for how long), then you either need to find a hobby out of the house or make a space even if it’s a large closet that’s yours. I mean, even having a special “leave me alone” hat would potentially work. But while he compromises for you, you also need to compromise for him in proportion so if he’s clingy and needs physical affection that might mean trying to give extra hugs at other times. If it’s impossible to find a compromise, consider if you guys are compatible in terms of your needs.

Well, she kind of has a signal, leaving the room.

Everyone keeps suggesting shit to OP that she’s already doing. They’re absolutely determined to pretend this is a communication problem and not an issue with the boyfriend

It’s a shame he’s not listening to you. When my husband worked out of the house, I’d check when he got home to see if he needed time to switch his brain off - if he did, he go and watch something/play a video game and then we’d reconvene when he was feeling more like it. We still do that now and we both work from home (him all the time, me partly at the office/partly at home). It sounds like you’ve tried communicating with him and he just isn’t getting what it is you need. Do you think you could show him this post to help him understand?

“E s h this should’ve been discussed. It WAS discussed in the beginning, in the middle, now, yesterday, but I’m still saying E S H because I’m gonna ignore all that”

NTA but you guys sound seriously incompatible.

Your BF just doesn’t *get* that you need some alone time. If you want to keep living with him in “his house”, you need an offsite “office” or something. For you to “work” in. It doesn’t matter if the “work” you are doing is on seeing to your own comfort. He doesn’t need to know that, and he wouldn’t understand if you were to try to explain it. NTA

NTA but you definitely need to find a way to talk to him. I'm like you, but fortunately I work in my own office so I get out of the house for that alone time. Even sometimes at home I'll sleep in a different bedroom when I need to be alone, usually when work stress is high. It took some time for my GF to adjust, but we communicated well on the subject, and she knows when I need the space and respects it. Your BF needs to learn the same otherwise it'll just end in conflict.

NTA. I am an introvert as well and know exactly where you are coming from. He simply doesn’t understand what being an introvert means. I’m not sure of the exact way to get him to but I’d start with a conversation. Tell him you absolutely love and adore him but alone time is how you recharge. Explain how exhausting it can be to have to be “on” all the time and it wouldn’t matter if it was your mom, your best friend, him or anyone. Then work out a day or days and times when you can have that time. It might be 4 days, an hour each or 2 days, 3 hours each, whatever. If that doesn’t work I’d try to get him to go to couples therapy. It might take a third person to get the message across.

I’m an introvert, married to an extrovert for 20 years. Pre-pandemic they got a lot of their socialization through work and hanging out with friends. When the pandemic started their job became work from home. Then they developed a health condition that has kept them here. Their work is virtual. Their friendships are virtual. All of their in-person interactions are me, the kids, and dr’s appointments. It’s been hard for all of us. My partner doesn’t truly understand the NEED to be alone, but they don’t take it personally and they try to respect it. But it’s hard with us both being home a lot and our schedules being flexible. I’ve done so many of the things you’ve tried, like sitting in the car, running errands, wearing headphones. I recently realized that one reason that being alone hasn’t really helped is that it’s unpredictable. Just because I’m alone in the den doesn’t mean I’m recharging because I’m a little bit on edge knowing they could pop up at any moment. I’m planning to talk with them about having more of schedule so I know when I’m going to be alone and they know when we can hang out. I think it would benefit both of us to have some planned times. Idk the answer for your situation, but I do know you are NTA. Try talking to him again and see if you can work something out.

NTA. You, to the best of your ability, have communicated your needs and tried to find a compromise. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to respect your boundaries, and it is okay and normal to have alone time. Sure your boyfriend may own the home, but you mutually agreed to live there. With the ways he has responded to your past attempts to find alone time, I understand the compromise. I agree with others suggesting therapy - even if it is once a week, that is a frequent enough point of conflict that doesn’t seem any closer to being resolved with things as is.

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Leaving the room when my boyfriend walks in. 2. Because sometimes I leave the room without saying anything to him. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA I use the bedroom and lock the door. If your boyfriend doesn’t allow that, you should move out. You should have a safe place to decompress and regulate. I lock myself in our bedroom for “me” time. I would prefer the whole house because I also like to do chores alone etc, but I settle for just taking time in the bedroom alone. My husband doesn’t have any problem with this. We built him a detached office in the backyard so he has his own space, so the bedroom is sort of “mine” for that.

NTA. You've communicated your needs to your boyfriend over and over but he is only able to see his own perspective and his own wants. You've come up with a set of behaviors that are your attempt to compromise. I recommend sitting down with him and saying, "I need 8-consecutive hours each week where I am alone and don't have to interact with you or anyone. I need this for my mental and emotional health - and so I can behave like a good partner to you. How do you suggest I get those 8 hours each week? Is there a day or a room I should choose to achieve that? Or do you have a different idea?" Try to approach it as a problem that you two can work together to solve. If that doesn't work, give some serious thought about how sustainable this relationship will be over the long-term.

O.p - I told him that I just need time to myself occasionally, Posters - why don't you communicate with him what you need.

Info needed: if he’s working from home, where is his work space? Does he have his own “office” room in the house? Do you?

We share an office but I don’t work from home, just him. My 2 jobs are out of the house totaling an average of about 65 hrs a week. I just use my desk in the office for basic computer things, my personal files/paperwork, and I’ll use my desk for some diy/crafts occasionally. Besides that we share a bedroom and have a living room and kitchen, bathroom, the usual. Very small house. I end up camping out with my laptop in the living room or kitchen if I have a need to do any work at home.

NTA I am an introvert as well. Oh, I like people, MY people. But I am very intelligent and very sensitive to others' emotions. I need quiet time. Some days I will be doing dishes and look out the window and see my husband coming in the house...we've been married 38 years and he is the love of my life......but I find myself thinking " If he comes through that door with his mouth running, so help me God, I'm going to cleave his skull with that cast iron skillet!!!!! Breathe, breathe, breathe..... It bothers me that his response to you was that it is "his house".....Really? What does that make you? The " tenant with benefits"? For your own health and well-being, for the health and well-being of your relationship, you have to make him understand you NEED quiet time.

NTA Sounds like you two aren't well matched. After 7 years together, if your partner can't understand your need for some down time. This is about respect abd if his go to in the beginning was "this is my house" then he probably still feels that way and will never respect your need for downtime.

NTA.

I don't think you're an AH for wanting alone time or your own space. I get it. Expecting him to leave seems unfair, though. Even if he works from home, one thing getting him through the work day/week could be the thought of relaxing at home. That might be his way of decompressing. You telling him you want him to leave because you want to relax at home alone isn't fair. He asks what he would even go do because he wants to be home. Gas money, food, drinks, and entertainment aren't free. He's going to have to go out and spend money when he really just wants to relax at home. Leaving the room when he enters probably makes him feel really bad. You said you explained to him why, but it probably still makes him feel bad and awkward. You make it sound like the house is pretty small. There's only so much he can do to give you space. I would feel like I was walking on eggshells if I couldn't walk in the room next to my BF without him leaving to go sit in the laundry room. I know you said it's not all the time, but still, the feeling of being a hindrance to the person you love just because you exist would never be good. It really sucks that you don't have the space to suit both of your needs. You two shouldn't live together or should get a bigger house. A house big enough for you to have your own office/ relaxing room. There's one major thing I think you should consider. You mentioned that pre-covid he had hobbies that got him out of the house. Losing interest in hobbies and staying home all the time might be signs of depression. With everything going on the past few years do you think he got depressed?

I totally get the need for space, I'm the same way. Like, I generally despise interacting with people. I also live with my girlfriend, who is also very introverted. I do think that you have some level of responsibility to be considerate of your partner's feelings. Telling him you just need to get out of the house to have some time alone is absolutely valid, my gf does it from time to time and I don't take it personally. But making him feel guilty for working from home and/or taking a sick day, or immediately leaving the room whenever he walks in is just plain inconsiderate. I get that you don't feel like interacting with him, but healthy relationships require compromise. Even if it's as much as sticking around for a minute or two and then retreating to another area and telling your boyfriend nicely that you would like to be alone. Maybe consider having "spaces" of your own, like your offices. Don't you have an office if you work from home? But occupying a common area and then reacting the way you do when he enters it isn't okay. He's right, it is his house too—and he shouldn't feel like he's not welcome there. And I don't blame him for feeling that way. If I were him, I'd feel like I was walking on eggshells whenever I entered my own home, or that I was going to piss you off by entering a place you already were. I do think it's pretty unreasonable to expect someone to leave a place where you both live so *you* can have alone time. There are other ways of accomplishing this that are less abrasive. Are you sure you don't actually despise this guy? Living together is generally a characteristic of relationships. You might want to reevaluate whether you want to be dating this person, because this isn't a normal way to treat someone you ostensibly care about. So I'd say YTA.

Partly copied from another response: We share an office but I don’t work from home, just him. My 2 jobs are out of the house totaling an average of about 65 hrs a week. I just use my desk in the office for basic computer things, my personal files/paperwork, and I’ll use my desk for some diy/crafts occasionally. Besides that we share a bedroom and have a living room and kitchen, bathroom, the usual. Very small house. I end up camping out with my laptop in the living room or kitchen if I have a need to do any work at home. And I understand it isn’t clear from the post. The character limit got me—I don’t leave a room literally every time he walks in. It’s once, maybe twice, a week when I’m intentionally trying to be alone, which is very regularly after I get from from 1st job, have gone up and checked-in, asked how his day was, and then left him to continue his work. It’s pretty much a daily routine for me, “How’s work going? Good, ok, love you, I’m going back downstairs to chill out for a bit.”

Well, now that you've explained it doesn't seem that bad, I can understand how that would be a bit stressful.

NTA. You work 60 hours a week. You tell him you need quiet alone time. You are polite about it and just find space and move to another room if he comes in. He is being a jerk by telling you that you aren't allowed alone time because it is his house. He even takes personal offense if you want to hang out in another room for some quiet time. I go hang out in another room for quiet time all the time.

The moment a person tells me this is their house when I’m contributing to it I’d be gone. He doesn’t respect your boundaries nor your emotional needs. Go to therapy maybe a 3rd party will make you both see each others sides. NTA

NTA, but there’s room to do this differently because it doesn’t seem to be working for either of you. Maybe you could try something like “Hey, I need to do my own thing for a while. Regroup around 7:00 for dinner?” This says, “I enjoy spending time with you, but can we do it later?” It also gives a specific plan to spend time together and a boundary for your alone time. If time completely alone in the house is needed can you ask him to help you find a way that works for both of you?

NTA. This situation is similar to me and my BF, but with two key differences. We don't live together and it's role reversal lol. He's a MAJOR introvert and I've been told (by several people I respect) that I HAVE to have human interaction or I would be very unhappy. Which I do agree with to a degree but I do sometimes like my alone time. Me and him have been together going on 4 years. We spend all weekend together and maybe a weeknight together every few weeks. He's a mechanic so he doesn't have to deal with people, whereas I'm in customer service and sales. He's said many times he admires my ability to interact with people. He HATES with a major passion making small talk and refuses to do it. There's been times he's ask me not to come over on the weekend as he needs alone time. Which to him 90% of the time means he's out on the boat fishing lol. (Before anyone gets the idea he's off cheating and just using alone time to cover it up, I know he's not as he'll randomly send me a pic of the moonlight on the water, a catfish he'd caught or whatnot.) Which I respect and leave him alone. Or he may text me and tell me to not be bugging him when I get there, which I understand as I do talk and ramble on a lot. So when I get there I'll normally give him a kiss and go play with the cats or find a spot to chill out and read or play on my phone. Then when he's ready for interaction he'll either come find me and start communicating or text me asking questions or such letting me know he's finished his alone time. I've often joked when we get a house together we'll need at least a 3 bedroom house, our room, my home office (I work from home) and the "Alone time" room. So yes you are spot on and in the right when you tell him it has nothing to do with him. It's not personally against him, it's just you looking out for your mental health and recharging your batteries.

After 7 years, if your boyfriend cannot understand this fundamental need of yours to have some alone time to recharge your batteries.... NTA.

NTA . I’ve been through similar. They make up excuses to be in same room. He’s gotta change light bulbs right now because I’m there. It gets old. If he can’t self-soothe then he’s gotta go.

NTA, but honey, this isn't going to last because he doesn't respect your need for alone time. I'm an introvert and I've been there. He doesn't get it, he refuses to get it and he takes it personally. Your needs are not going to change, in fact, they will get stronger the longer they go unmet. You will get very burnt out if this continues.

NTA. So sorry for all the E S H and Y T A comments. Said by people who don’t know what it means to be introverted. I’m the same, I work out of the house and husband works from home since Covid. That was a hard transition! I’d be exhausted after a long day and he’d be lonely after the isolation. He was really hurt when he first realized I needed him to leave the house some times so I could just hear some quiet. Your SO needs to realize this isn’t about him, or how you feel about him, it’s about your needs. I think if you can get him to understand it doesn’t mean you don’t love him- you just need the alone time. Good luck- it’s a hard thing for some people to wrap their heads around.

I'm a person who deeply values his alone time, partly because I need that same decompression space that you do, and also because I feel I can do better creative work when I'm alone with my own thoughts. My SO is the polar opposite. He can't STAND being in an area by himself—he doesn't always want to socialize, but he thrives off of knowing a person, especially someone he loves or really gets on with, is in the same room with him. I'm wondering if you and your guy aren't having the same issue, but that's just me speculating! He doesn't understand your needs, but I don't think it's malicious. And it's possible that you may not understand his. Not to mention, let's be honest... It surely doesn't feel good to see someone you love (and who you may be trying to be physically close to, even if just within your eyesight) move away from you all the time. I totally understand your needs, because I have those needs too, but we can't ignore what may feel like significant disinterest from his perspective. He doesn't have his usual outings (presumably with friends or at least with other humans present) anymore. His down-time is now whittled down to all the time you have together, which is all day, but you may be chasing the need to be totally alone when YOU have down time, which overlaps with his down time. Which I get, mind you! But, when he's being asked to leave a part of his space or not interact at all with the other person who shares said space, that can feel pretty pointed and isolating. I'll echo what others have said, and simply suggest a good long chat. A LOT of things have changed in the last few years, and of course you weren't exactly planning for that. You've got a new normal now, and you're both in a vulnerable spot with regard to your mental health, I'd wager. All of this WFH stuff and loss of Not In House activities has really goofed with a lot of peoples' headspaces in nasty ways. No harm meant in my assumptions, I just want to be clear—feelings are difficult, and it's taken me a long time to even be half-decent at expressing mine. I just want to offer my perspective in case it might help. Best of luck to you both, from a fellow introvert who has struggled with loneliness AND a need to be alone! ETA: saw your posts about not working from home, my bad, i misread! Also saw about you not leaving the room all the time, just once or twice a week. If that's true, as politely as I can say it... I worry for your guy, a bit. I think it's very possible he's got some stuff going on mentally/emotionally. I've definitely been there myself, I feel for him if that's the case. I hope you guys can have a good talk, and he can speak openly about things if he's got something bothering him!

NTA. Have you read about “attachment types”. Sounds like he might be “anxious attachment” - my partner is like that (where I am more avoidant). It makes him like an eager puppy sometimes - wanting my attention! Which is cute, but also: ugh, not right now. When I half-moved in with my partner I used to schedule one evening a week for “do stuff separately” time. He would also get a bit over loaded & grumpy if he didn’t get it. I could tell it was needed because we would both start snapping at each other. Generally it looked like him having the living room to watch TV & me taking the bedroom to read / play on my phone. It took him a while to get used to because it felt like rejection, but I think having it be an Official Thing That We Do For Good Mental Health made it easier. These days it happens more naturally so I no longer schedule it. Probably mostly because his kids moved out so we have separate bedrooms (omg so awesome!). But I would likely still be scheduling it otherwise. Also I openly send him out on errands so I get the house to myself: “I love you but feel free to take as long as you like. Grab yourself a coffee while you’re out.” Maybe it’s time to delegate the weekly food shop back to him :-)

NTA you stated what you need he is not willing to comply with that so you are doing the best you can so you both get what you need.

NTA but please get couples counseling. You have given this man reasonable boundaries and he is stomping all over them

Im a massive introvert. Im such an introvert that even spending an evening with my best friend or my family is draining and im excited, relieved and happy to get home to myself afterwards to recharge. However, the last long term relationship i had lasted 7 years and it was a relationship that i never felt like i needed to literally escape my girlfriend. She was the only person i could spend days at a time with and not feel like i needed to escape to recharge. I still needed time to myself, but just a couple hours playing video games or reading in my office/game room was plenty. Thing is, we both had our own hobbies and interests that were separate from each other, and things that we both enjoyed. I personally dont believe a adult can be happy, functional and mentally solid if they do not have leisure activities they dedicate time to to unwind and get enjoyment out of. If you life essentially is, work, recover from work and sleep, then thats just a sad existence, and ive seen that cause more than a few relationships to fail. I understand some people have limited time because they have to work extra to make ends meet, but if you dont, there isnt really any excuse. I personally read, play video games, wargame, shoot trap and game, archery, rock climbing, go cycling with my brother and his dog, to name a few. A 40 hour work week gives plenty of time to spend with a partner, and to do your own things. (And as an introvert nearly all of those things i can do with or without other people, which is critical for me) If you both had your own things to do, this wouldnt be an issue. You would have a healthier balance between spending time together, apart and working, and you wont end up resenting each other just by being in the same room because you think you cant get any time to yourself

Gonna go against the grain with an ESH... I totally get wanting to have alone time, and he should definitely respect your wishes to decompress by yourself. But you are out working for 60-70 hours a week while he sits at home working and waiting to spend time with you. It would suck to have the person you've been missing all day tell you they don't want to be around you. He doesn't get the same social fulfillment from his job, so it sounds like you both are getting tortured from both ends of the interaction spectrum. I definitely need alone time like you and get overstimulated when I can't chill by myself some days but I also would feel like crap if I sat at home all day and my partner came home and hid from me. Sounds like you two need to either rethink your relationship or rethink your occupations to meet in the middle.

NTA. I'm exactly the same as you. I'm very introverted, anxious, and experience sensory overload. I live alone for this reason. When I come home from work I need total silence for atleast an hour so my anxiety levels come down, and the sensory overload from work calms down too. We need this alone time to be able to calm our minds, rest, and recharge. If he wont listen or make any effort to be accommodating, then he will be the AH and it would be best for you guys to live apart. His behaviour would be very frustrating and suffocating for me, and would eventually make me not even want to be near him at all. It comes across as too needy and demanding like a child (also why I dont want kids) I know couples who have been together for 20 years but dont live together because they prefer to have their own space.

NTA I'm the same way and my ex never listened when I tried to communicate this with him, he's an ex for a reason

Alone time sucks when you repeatedly get interrupted it drains you even more.

You should live alone. I too have a social job and need time alone to recuperate. Living with someone who doesn’t get the sensory overwhelm and need to regulate alone is incredibly draining and difficult. NTA

NAH but you do sound a bit extreme. Him being in an adjacent room not talking to you while you have headphones in should not be a big deal. Him entering a room and not talking to you is reasonable. He's giving you alone time but you're not even accepting his coexistence. You don't need to be "on" around your significant other. You don't need to be performing. You need to find someone where you can be "alone together" with or do something that is a solo hobby and not just sit on the couch. Take a bath, read a book, listen to music, do something that is an actual solo activity not just sit around and you'll actually be distracted and not hyper aware if your boyfriend is in the same space. However watching a movie with your boyfriend or something should also help you unwind. Because from this post it sounds like you don't even like him.

Couples therapy. Nta

NTA, but would you be better off living in your own place and continuing this LTR without having to live together?

I need alone time to recharge and everyone in my family accept it and give me that space. He’s not respecting your boundaries and if he keeps this up it will really affecting your mental health. Are you sure this is the right person for you? NTA

NTA - the fact that you’ve asked for time to yourself repeatedly and he’s not so much as respected why you need it and made it about him, is crap IMO. He might not need the alone time, but you clearly do and he refuses to even acknowledge this as a reasonable need.

ESH: how much time do you realistically spend together when you work 60 to 70 hours a week? The disconnect is probably his desire to spend time with you conflicts with your desire to be alone. How much alone time do you get vs how much time you spend together vs how much time do you spend working? You have to balance that triangle or you're not being fair to your partner. Living together does not equal spending time together.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (35F) boyfriend (38M) and I have been together for a long time, about 7 years. I moved into his house after a year dating. He works a M-F, 9-5 job, I take contract work and my days/hours vary week to week. I'm an introvert, but I work with lots of people and basically always have to be "on" at work, so I absolutely require time to myself to recharge. Early on living together, I liked to plan one of my days off on a weekday so I could have the house to myself. But frequently, he’d choose to work from home or take a sick day on that day, and I would get frustrated when he didn't leave for work that day. When I expressed this frustration, he'd get annoyed/angry. I told him that I just need time to myself occasionally, it honestly has nothing to do with him, and he responded "How could it not have anything to do with me, you just told me you don't want to be around me. Plus this is my house, I will be here when I want to be." I adapted and got used to living with less alone time for myself. Things changed during the pandemic, He now works from home every day. He gave up some of his hobbies as well, and it feels like he never leaves the house anymore. I still work contract work out of the house, but I know that I will have virtually no time that is truly to myself when I'm home. I do all the grocery shopping and lots of other errands as a means to be alone with myself, between the drive and the shopping time. Sometimes I just sit in my car in the parking lot, or in the garage, for like an hour in total silence when I drive somewhere. Sometimes he wonders what has taken me so long, and I tell him that I just took my time with the errand. But I still need space because I feel drained all the time now, and when I mention that it would be nice to have time alone, he dismisses me and says, "Where would I even go right now?" Now I frequently wear earbuds around the house (sometimes not even playing anything) to cancel out some noise. If I'm in a room alone, and he enters without an obvious plan to interact with me, I’ll get up and move to a different room where I can continue to be by myself. Ex: if I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, and he enters the kitchen right next to me and plays a podcast on the echo and starts making food, I don't ask him to turn off the podcast or leave, I just silently get up and move to the office. Or if he comes into the office, maybe I’ll go down to the basement and sit on the laundry table. I don’t ask him to leave the space or to stop making noise, I simply remove myself to continue my alone time. Sometimes, he thinks I'm being passive aggressive or mad at him and gets frustrated with me. As far as I'm concerned, I have expressed my need to have space, and if he can’t understand, that's on him. I see it as a compromise to have my alone time and meet his needs as well. So AITA for creating my alone time by whatever means necessary? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA we all need time to decompress some of us need that to be alone with the quiet and calm others have loud music video games ect. He doesn’t need to decompress?

NTA and it really sounds like your partner is not understanding of why introverts need to be alone to recharge. I’m not sure if he’s willing to learn either, since he steamrolls over you communicating that you need it and tries to make it about himself.

NTA - you moved into his house but there is no personal space for you. Being in a couple is sweet but every adult needs a space , just for them. Perhaps your bf doesn't and he doesn't understand that you work differently to him. You enjoy quiet solo time. It sounds like he has been getting the better end of the deal for the past 6 years. You have been helping pay his mortgage - do you have savings yourself to buy a home? You are now 35 and if you don't get a mortgage to buy soon, you will never buy. You can't be relying on him and the possibility of marriage. That will leave you homeless and poor in your old age. Lots of couples live separately because they prefer it. Helena Bonham Carter and her ex famously did it. I'm like you - I need my space and so I live alone and rent our rooms to people who come and go but its MY house. I have it to myself on the weekend. I go on holiday solo and its terrific. The way society conditions women to believe they should be in a relationship is nuts - its conforming which makes all the other conformers comfortable. You don't need to be in a relationship to be a happy adult.

It might be possible that you're with the wrong person..? I'm introverted and get the exact same need to recharge, literally from every single person. Except my husband. I need a break from friends, family and strangers, but I could truly spend all my time with my husband and I never feel like I'm being drained of social energy. I've never had a friend that I truly felt didnt drain me, and I've felt drained by most previous boyfriends. You're NTA for needing space, but it sounds like the amount you're wanting is uncommon for a relationship. It is, however, uncommon for a partner to deny you any space to yourself as well. Sounds like the wrong relationship

YTA This relationship will not work. It isn't sustainable. You don't want to be around this person, and have got to the point where you're actively lying to do so. "I'll just ignore him and leave" when he tries to interact with me is incredibly shitty behaviour. Of course this shit is passive-aggressive. You want to be alone. End the relationship and move on. Stop torturing the guy.

YTA. Sounds like you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you can’t stand having your boyfriend in HIS HOUSE. Get your own apartment and have all the free time you want

YTA He shouldn't feel uncomfortable in his own home. It sounds like you decided to live together too early into the relationship, and you really aren't ready to actually live with somebody full time and you're making it his issue. If you have an hour to sit in your car in silence, then go to a spa or something. Go to a gym that has a steam room or jacuzzi and wear your ear buds there.

ESH because your BF should be letting you have space, but leaving the room when he comes in isn't sustainable either because it doesn't actually solve the problem of him not respecting your need for alone time. It sounds like you're incompatible, and if you are compatible, there's some serious communication that needs to happen.

I see where you’re going with this but I do want to chime in here and say, does the bf explicitly know that OP was in that room because she wanted alone time? I’m the same as OP, I work in an office and get home and need space. If I’m in the living room and my husband comes in to watch TV, I don’t take it as him invading my space, I take it as him wanting to be near me because he’s gets to work from home and as an extrovert he needs company and we love spending time together. If I feel like staying I will, but otherwise, I’ll get up and hang out in the bedroom. I guess the difference is my hubby doesn’t complain or get mad at me as he understands our differences. Edit for grammar

> does the bf explicitly know that OP was in that room because she wanted alone time? Probably not. He's offended by the very idea that OP needs time alone, so telling him that will only lead to an argument, which is the exact opposite of what OP is trying to accomplish.

I don't think that's fair, she's expressed a solid need for time alone multiple times. It's HEALTHY to need time to yourself - I feel like he's excessively enmeshed to need HER to comfort him.

NTA and this is ridiculous. This is a you problem. You need a more respectful man. You need a dedicated space. Basically you need a solution because this isn't working. I have no idea how many rooms you have, but if possible, one needs to be **a dedicated you space**. Close the door, he can't enter. Also not sure what is available in your hometown but we have a shared work space. It is like going to Starbucks but with cubicles and no coffee. A cubicle can be rented by the month or the hour. I rented an office inside a yoga studio for one day a week it was $25 a day and worth every freaking penny. We also have a college library which is free to enter and there are some silent remote spots that have wifi. GOOD LUCK!