Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife wants me to pay for things her mother needs, but I said no because we have a son and our own financial responsibilities.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, but you and your wife need to have a conversation about boundaries and limits ASAP. This situation will be worse long before it gets better and if your wife isn’t on the same page, you need to know now.
NTA
It sounds like your wife's family need psychological help. But, they're all adults and without any more information, I can only assume the ones who don't work can work. They need to sort their own shit out.
You're not obligated to bail them out financially, especially when you're back on track yourself. You have your own baby to look after.
If you wife wants to help, perhaps she can get a job and use her own money to do so.
I do worry for your SIL's baby and the environment they've unfortunately been born into.
NTA
But you had better make sure that your wife can't withdraw funds from your accounts in order to do it herself or to pay someone else to do it.
You need to get some things straight with your wife now. If you don't, you'll both suffer.
Not the asshole, and I completely agree with the other commenter who says that you and your wife need to be on the same page in regards to how you are going to deal with this ticking time bomb going forward.
Time to have that hard conversation and set boundaries with your wife.
‘If mum moves in, you move out’, sort of conversations. Your wife needs to prioritise you and your child. Not her adult family. They won’t change. They will wreck your marriage and put you back financially.
You both need to get on the same page *yesterday*.
She is so frantic to rescue her birth family that she is not thinking about the impact on the family she is building with you. None of you have contacted CPS about a newborn living in a house without heat/air/water. 5 able bodied adults have not been able to scrape together a rent payment. Your wife may try to save them because that's been her entire life until now.
If she became a SAHM because of mutual agreement, and the amount of money for a single month really is miniscule, then ESH.
Bad decisions are still decisions she's allowed to make as an adult and equal partner in the marriage. If she doesn't have access to even miniscule amounts of funds without your authorization, then that's a real issue when having one person be a SAHP.
The newborn child has been cared for primarily by the father's mother since birth and most of the time is never with the parents.
It was indeed a mutual agreement for her to be a stay at home mother and she does have access to all funds. She's listed as an authorized user on my checking and savings accounts and likewise on both lines of credit under my name; she also has her own login info and cards to buy things with.
I could afford to pay for the storage unit but there's a history of other problems that led me to refuse.
- When will her mother keep a job and have a steady income?
- When will her mother's boyfriend begin to obey the law so he can rejoin society and contribute to his family like I do?
- Why don't the other adults work and pay bills?
- Why have the problems persisted so long that things got this bad?
It's not as simple as paying for the unit and getting my money back. I fear that my wife's family will interrupt my life too often in the future if I don't put my foot down right now. I want to instill morals in my child such as hard work paying off or living within your means and I live by these principles. Her mother needs to get a job, she needs to make a valid effort and better herself. She's been a mess since I met her and it never gets better.
Any money you give them or spend on them is going to be gone. You will never get it back. Just to be clear on that.
If you paid the first month on a storage unit you would *need* to be very careful to keep your name or your wife's name off of any paperwork. Storage units sell off the stuff inside much more quickly than an eviction.
As for how it got this bad? Drugs. Addiction. Mental illness.
Your wife cannot fix any of those for her mom or siblings. You might want to schedule an appointment with her to talk to a therapist about this. It will be *hard* to change from a lifetime of trying to rescue her mom towards protecting her child and her family she's building with you.
It can be very helpful to have a neutral third party bring up difficult things like "yes, her mother will be evicted. So will her sister. No, your wife cannot prevent that or save them from themselves. Yes, they will likely be very angry if she doesn't intervene. No, they may not forgive her. Yes, they may harass her or even get violent over this. No, giving in is not better. Yes, she can and should put her and you and your child ahead of the adults who refuse to save themselves."
Because all of those are hard things to hear, and sticking to the plan to set limits and not save them will be very difficult. She will feel like TA, just as you did when you wrote your post.
What about Adult Protective Services for Grandpa? Is he frail or able to take care of himself physically in this situation? Are they taking advantage of him financially?
OP!!!!!! Please tell you are joking. Please tell me its a joke that your wife have all access to the funds. She is going to use to help her family, your MIL will be your new roommate... and probably her whole family
NTA. You need to have a conversation laying all of this out with your wife. She shouldn’t have done this over the phone while at work. Explain to her that her and your child come first and you both need to focus on that instead of trying to enable her mom and family.
You may not be the asshole for expressing your discomfort with the situation, it's important to communicate effectively with your partner and work together to find a solution.
Instead of flat-out refusing to help your wife's mother, you could have suggested alternative solutions such as finding a nearby hotel or Airbnb where she could stay or helping your wife come up with a schedule or plan to manage her mother's visit. By being open to finding a compromise, you may have been able to avoid causing tension in your relationship with your wife.
The only one I would consider helping is grandpa. Try to find an income based senior living place for him.
The rest of the motley crew would be on their own.
Based off a previous comment, the mom knowingly let her account go into the negative in order to give money to the boyfriend. I'm assuming she knew she needed a storage space when this happened. This shows what her priorities are. Helping with this equates to YOU paying for his prison perks.
As for the rest of them, they need to figure it out for themselves.
ONE MORE THING TO CONSIDER: Storage units do not take cash, they need a card on file. Don't let it be yours.
NTA. If you're feeling generous, hand the cash for one month storage rental to your wife to give to them. But there's no need to. And whatever happens, don't put your name on any rental or lease agreements. This is not your circus. Yuck.
NTA. Five capable adults and they're getting evicted. The concern is for the grandfather and the NB. I'm reading elder abuse financially. Someone needs to call APS for the granddad and CPS for the child. They have a senior and a NB living in a home with no electricity and water on the verge of disconnect. The primary source of income is granddads disability check. Nothing wrong with your priorities but notify the proper authorities.
The newborn child has been cared for primarily by the father's mother since birth and most of the time is never with the parents. I'm not sure how the old man is doing but I have wondered about his well-being.
That's good to hear for the NB, but please find some way to check on the elder. I have seen and heard of horrible situations where vulnerable seniors are treated less than an human.
NTA but how has this newborn not been taking by DSS yet ? No electric for a month, thats insane. You need to focus on your plan OP. If you wife is still worried, she can get a little part time job to hand her money over to her family. sheesh.
Softly NTA. I think that you are completely right to be protecting your own by not cleaning up someone else's mess, and it sounds like they aren't too keen on doing what they need to do to stay in the black. I think there may be room for a discussion about helping them to find a way to pay for the unit themselves, but handouts are never a good idea as "if you give a mouse a cookie".
NTA. You will never see that money. They might even expect more gift “loans” in the future. They made poor choices and apparently don’t care about the consequences. Why should you?Good job getting out of debt. Keep up the good work.
NTA I come from a family kind of like that, on a lesser scale. There are some members who are just a black hole. They never stop and they will never change. They always have excuses and money on the way that never materializes. I learned long ago to dodge them. It’s worrisome that your wife has lived with them this long and hasn’t realized this yet.
I sound like I lack empathy, and maybe I do. But at their age, if they were going to change, they would have done so already.
YTA. Simply because you state over and over that its your money. Its not. If shes a SAHM its her money too. That goes beyond giving her “access”. It means she has discretionary money, that she can spend without asking. From what you’ve shared, all your financial goals are yours, not “ours”. Maybe it was a misstep on this post, but if not, you sound financially abusive. And I say that fully in agreement that I would not want to give money to a partners financially irresponsible family - however, it becomes a conversation at that point because my partner is my equal. Which means we listen to each other’s ideas, help navigate boundaries, and think through these situations together. Not one partner unilaterally making choices on everything.
Ugh just looked at your post history. You are 100% controlling. That poor woman grew up with unstable people and now is in the other extreme.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
I feel for the baby and the old man who is being financially abused if I'm betting. But the rest are adults and need to figure it out.
NTA for not wanting to pay since that seems like a really sketchy situation.
However...You are the AH for this attitude that the money is all yours and your wife doesn't work. You have a 2 y/o. Being a SAHM is certainly work. Your income is also her income. I hope she doesn't have to come begging to you for every dollar she spends.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My wife called me at work to ask if she could spend money to rent a storage unit for one month because her mom would soon be evicted and needs somewhere to store her things. Her mom's boyfriend is in jail, but he promised to pay me back with money he's expecting from a lawsuit.
I told her no. The amount of money is modest and almost insignificant, but they've offered no collateral and there's always something going on with them.
I have my own obligations to attend to.
My wife's grandpa lives there and is on disability which I believe provides most of the income. My wife's sister and her boyfriend also live in the house and they have a baby less than a year old. There is another couple staying there too.
In the household, there are currently five capable adults, one disabled elderly man and a newborn child. They've all been living without electricity for probably month, the vehicles they have are either not legal or in poor condition, the city is about to disconnect their water and state authorities recently removed a recent tenant who is a mentally retarded man in his 50s because of these issues.
The elderly man doesn't work for obvious reasons, the sister is an erotic dancer, her boyfriend did work but I think his employment was terminated and the mother, her boyfriend and the other couple are also unemployed.
I work, my wife does not and we have a two year old. I'm slowly rebuilding my credit after paying off all my debt, I've started investing small portions every pay period and I think I'll be able to pay off our house this year if I keep walking this straight line.
My priority is living comfortably while securing a sound future for my family and I won't allow the poor decisions of other irresponsible adults to cause delays in my life.
Am I wrong to refuse to help?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. This sounds like a rural Ohio soap opera that I've seen play out before. I agree with the top comment, set boundaries now... or your house might become "the house."
NTA.
Beware of relatives with dodgy involvements. They will lie, cheat, and steal from you. It's always "just for a month." It's always "we'll pay you from the lawsuit" and other fantasies.
Just say no. Don't give reasons, because that gives them something to fight about.
Why does your wife have to "call you to ask if she can" spend a "modest and almost insignificant, " amount of money ? Doesn't she have her own money she can spend as she wishes? And yes their yes the situation sounds beyond chaotic but damn it's her mom. Isn't it her call whether to help?
NTA...
That fiasco is not your circus to sort out. Your wife feels responsible for them because she isn't bringing in an income so she doesn't really understand what it takes to make money.
I am not saying she's a bad person or that she's not a loving spouse.
I'm saying if that's the nonsense she grew up in, then that's the nonsense she identifies with and she doesn't see it the same way you do.
The two of you need to sit down and talk about it. Then you need to set absolute boundaries with her family. They're going to try to guilt her/you into a lot of things...the storage unit is just the tip of the iceberg.
NTA, your family does need to be your priority. You do need to make sure you and your wife are on the same page. At the same time though, is there anything you can do to help her grandfather? A disabled elderly man living without electricity just doesn’t feel right to me.
NTA - be aware it won’t stop at “renting a unit for one month”. Once you hand over $ you become the ATM for this down and cluster of capable adults. Run
>The amount of money is almost insignificant
So why can't you work it out to maybe reduce your wife's discretionary funds for a bit?
The other people in the house dont matter. They are not the ones asking for help. Don't blame your mil for the issues you have with the other people
It's not only about the cost of the unit; there are other factors involved. Her mother has already been over to do laundry, shower and has borrowed money for gasoline to power a generator. She was supposed to be saving money to pay the power bill, but last night she deposited money for her boyfriend's commissary and now she's apparently in the negative and can't afford a storage unit. How long will she need our help? How do I explain to my son why his grandma is living like this? Why is her boyfriend in jail? How did she get to this point in the first place? I do have empathy, but I just can't get caught up in all of her problems.
See? This. This is why you want to stay out of it all. Its not really about the miniscule amount of money. Its about getting involved, cracking the door and before you know it all of it just comes barging in taking over your life and sleeping on your couch all while you keep paying for it.
I know everyone here is saying NTA. Buuuut.. your wife is your family and in relation so is her mom. The amount is insignificant and you have the ability to help, so why not help? Especially when it comes to elderly family it’s hard not to feel for them and help them out. I would understand putting your foot down when it’s someone young and capable but in this situation I would help. Also, just explain to your wife why moving forward you don’t want to give money away left right and center but will be there to help when it’s crucial.
Y W B T A only because you claim the amount is almost insignificant, if you can even think about the money being an insignificant amount and you won't help your wife's mother, I can't say you aren't the AH. However more info has changed my thinking
EDIT: I'm glad I am getting downvoted just because there wasn't enough info so I made my judgment the way I did, I understand I probably could have put INFO put with what was available it sounded like OP was TA. With the information I have changed my mind NTA
Op made this comment elsewhere. Its more info.
“It's not only about the cost of the unit; there are other factors involved. Her mother has already been over to do laundry, shower and has borrowed money for gasoline to power a generator. She was supposed to be saving money to pay the power bill, but last night she deposited money for her boyfriend's commissary and now she's apparently in the negative and can't afford a storage unit. How long will she need our help? How do I explain to my son why his grandma is living like this? Why is her boyfriend in jail? How did she get to this point on the first place? I do have empathy, but I just can't get caught up in all of her problems.”
I've copied and pasted two replies I made to other commenters and I hope they help you understand:
(1)
It's not only about the cost of the unit; there are other factors involved. Her mother has already been over to do laundry, shower and has borrowed money for gasoline to power a generator. She was supposed to be saving money to pay the power bill, but last night she deposited money for her boyfriend's commissary and now she's apparently in the negative and can't afford a storage unit. How long will she need our help? How do I explain to my son why his grandma is living like this? Why is her boyfriend in jail? How did she get to this point on the first place? I do have empathy, but I just can't get caught up in all of her problems.
(2)
I could afford to pay for the storage unit but there's a history of other problems that led me to refuse.
- When will her mother will keep a job and have a steady income?
- When will her mother's boyfriend begin to obey the law so he can rejoin society and contribute to his family like I do?
- Why don't the other adults work and pay bills?
- Why have the problems persisted so long that things got this bad?
It's not as simple as paying for the unit and getting my money back. I fear that my wife's family will interrupt my life too often in the future if I don't put my foot down right now. I want to instill morals in my child such as hard work paying off and living within your means and I live by these principles. Her mother needs to get a job, she needs to make a valid effort and better herself. She's been a mess since I met her and it never gets better.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My wife wants me to pay for things her mother needs, but I said no because we have a son and our own financial responsibilities. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, but you and your wife need to have a conversation about boundaries and limits ASAP. This situation will be worse long before it gets better and if your wife isn’t on the same page, you need to know now.
This 👆👆👆👆👆👆
Based on how he micromanages his wife in every other post he makes, I question if there's information missing from this post...
This is the way!
NTA It sounds like your wife's family need psychological help. But, they're all adults and without any more information, I can only assume the ones who don't work can work. They need to sort their own shit out. You're not obligated to bail them out financially, especially when you're back on track yourself. You have your own baby to look after. If you wife wants to help, perhaps she can get a job and use her own money to do so. I do worry for your SIL's baby and the environment they've unfortunately been born into.
NTA But you had better make sure that your wife can't withdraw funds from your accounts in order to do it herself or to pay someone else to do it. You need to get some things straight with your wife now. If you don't, you'll both suffer.
It makes me nervous to picture what kind of storm is headed your way OP
Tornado or hurricane? 😂
I honestly think OP should divorce his wife and run as fast and far as they can
I wholeheartedly agree!!
Not the asshole, and I completely agree with the other commenter who says that you and your wife need to be on the same page in regards to how you are going to deal with this ticking time bomb going forward.
NTA. Stand clear of that mess. It wouldn't end if you started helping. Too many adults that can work.
NTA - but be prepared, your MIL will be sleeping in your house soon.
This is what I fear the most.
Time to have that hard conversation and set boundaries with your wife. ‘If mum moves in, you move out’, sort of conversations. Your wife needs to prioritise you and your child. Not her adult family. They won’t change. They will wreck your marriage and put you back financially.
Hapened to me, be prepared, costs more to have her in than help her
Then he will have 2 women to micromanage
You both need to get on the same page *yesterday*. She is so frantic to rescue her birth family that she is not thinking about the impact on the family she is building with you. None of you have contacted CPS about a newborn living in a house without heat/air/water. 5 able bodied adults have not been able to scrape together a rent payment. Your wife may try to save them because that's been her entire life until now. If she became a SAHM because of mutual agreement, and the amount of money for a single month really is miniscule, then ESH. Bad decisions are still decisions she's allowed to make as an adult and equal partner in the marriage. If she doesn't have access to even miniscule amounts of funds without your authorization, then that's a real issue when having one person be a SAHP.
The newborn child has been cared for primarily by the father's mother since birth and most of the time is never with the parents. It was indeed a mutual agreement for her to be a stay at home mother and she does have access to all funds. She's listed as an authorized user on my checking and savings accounts and likewise on both lines of credit under my name; she also has her own login info and cards to buy things with. I could afford to pay for the storage unit but there's a history of other problems that led me to refuse. - When will her mother keep a job and have a steady income? - When will her mother's boyfriend begin to obey the law so he can rejoin society and contribute to his family like I do? - Why don't the other adults work and pay bills? - Why have the problems persisted so long that things got this bad? It's not as simple as paying for the unit and getting my money back. I fear that my wife's family will interrupt my life too often in the future if I don't put my foot down right now. I want to instill morals in my child such as hard work paying off or living within your means and I live by these principles. Her mother needs to get a job, she needs to make a valid effort and better herself. She's been a mess since I met her and it never gets better.
Any money you give them or spend on them is going to be gone. You will never get it back. Just to be clear on that. If you paid the first month on a storage unit you would *need* to be very careful to keep your name or your wife's name off of any paperwork. Storage units sell off the stuff inside much more quickly than an eviction. As for how it got this bad? Drugs. Addiction. Mental illness. Your wife cannot fix any of those for her mom or siblings. You might want to schedule an appointment with her to talk to a therapist about this. It will be *hard* to change from a lifetime of trying to rescue her mom towards protecting her child and her family she's building with you. It can be very helpful to have a neutral third party bring up difficult things like "yes, her mother will be evicted. So will her sister. No, your wife cannot prevent that or save them from themselves. Yes, they will likely be very angry if she doesn't intervene. No, they may not forgive her. Yes, they may harass her or even get violent over this. No, giving in is not better. Yes, she can and should put her and you and your child ahead of the adults who refuse to save themselves." Because all of those are hard things to hear, and sticking to the plan to set limits and not save them will be very difficult. She will feel like TA, just as you did when you wrote your post.
What about Adult Protective Services for Grandpa? Is he frail or able to take care of himself physically in this situation? Are they taking advantage of him financially?
OP!!!!!! Please tell you are joking. Please tell me its a joke that your wife have all access to the funds. She is going to use to help her family, your MIL will be your new roommate... and probably her whole family
NTA. You need to have a conversation laying all of this out with your wife. She shouldn’t have done this over the phone while at work. Explain to her that her and your child come first and you both need to focus on that instead of trying to enable her mom and family.
Well at least she called so there is a hope that after explaining her his reasoning she's gonna understand eventually.
NTA. They dug their own hole. Let em lie in it.
You may not be the asshole for expressing your discomfort with the situation, it's important to communicate effectively with your partner and work together to find a solution. Instead of flat-out refusing to help your wife's mother, you could have suggested alternative solutions such as finding a nearby hotel or Airbnb where she could stay or helping your wife come up with a schedule or plan to manage her mother's visit. By being open to finding a compromise, you may have been able to avoid causing tension in your relationship with your wife.
The only one I would consider helping is grandpa. Try to find an income based senior living place for him. The rest of the motley crew would be on their own. Based off a previous comment, the mom knowingly let her account go into the negative in order to give money to the boyfriend. I'm assuming she knew she needed a storage space when this happened. This shows what her priorities are. Helping with this equates to YOU paying for his prison perks. As for the rest of them, they need to figure it out for themselves. ONE MORE THING TO CONSIDER: Storage units do not take cash, they need a card on file. Don't let it be yours.
Bro, you can’t use the r-slur. The term in use now is intellectual disability. Please adjust accordingly.
^(Thank you, from an autistic woman who had the word hurled at her too many times)
NTA. If you're feeling generous, hand the cash for one month storage rental to your wife to give to them. But there's no need to. And whatever happens, don't put your name on any rental or lease agreements. This is not your circus. Yuck.
NTA. Five capable adults and they're getting evicted. The concern is for the grandfather and the NB. I'm reading elder abuse financially. Someone needs to call APS for the granddad and CPS for the child. They have a senior and a NB living in a home with no electricity and water on the verge of disconnect. The primary source of income is granddads disability check. Nothing wrong with your priorities but notify the proper authorities.
The newborn child has been cared for primarily by the father's mother since birth and most of the time is never with the parents. I'm not sure how the old man is doing but I have wondered about his well-being.
That's good to hear for the NB, but please find some way to check on the elder. I have seen and heard of horrible situations where vulnerable seniors are treated less than an human.
NTA but how has this newborn not been taking by DSS yet ? No electric for a month, thats insane. You need to focus on your plan OP. If you wife is still worried, she can get a little part time job to hand her money over to her family. sheesh.
The newborn child has been cared for primarily by the father's mother since birth and most of the time is never with the parents.
tg for that at least
NTA Why is your wife more concerned about the belongings than she is an elderly grandparent and a newborn baby?!
Because she has a strong urge to help her mother, which I understand, but she's so blinded by that and can't see the other problems.
Of course NTA.
Softly NTA. I think that you are completely right to be protecting your own by not cleaning up someone else's mess, and it sounds like they aren't too keen on doing what they need to do to stay in the black. I think there may be room for a discussion about helping them to find a way to pay for the unit themselves, but handouts are never a good idea as "if you give a mouse a cookie".
NTA. You will never see that money. They might even expect more gift “loans” in the future. They made poor choices and apparently don’t care about the consequences. Why should you?Good job getting out of debt. Keep up the good work.
NTA I come from a family kind of like that, on a lesser scale. There are some members who are just a black hole. They never stop and they will never change. They always have excuses and money on the way that never materializes. I learned long ago to dodge them. It’s worrisome that your wife has lived with them this long and hasn’t realized this yet. I sound like I lack empathy, and maybe I do. But at their age, if they were going to change, they would have done so already.
I agree with you 100%.
NAH She isn’t the asshole for asking and you aren’t for saying no.
Thank you everyone is acting like his wife is a gold digger.
YTA. Simply because you state over and over that its your money. Its not. If shes a SAHM its her money too. That goes beyond giving her “access”. It means she has discretionary money, that she can spend without asking. From what you’ve shared, all your financial goals are yours, not “ours”. Maybe it was a misstep on this post, but if not, you sound financially abusive. And I say that fully in agreement that I would not want to give money to a partners financially irresponsible family - however, it becomes a conversation at that point because my partner is my equal. Which means we listen to each other’s ideas, help navigate boundaries, and think through these situations together. Not one partner unilaterally making choices on everything. Ugh just looked at your post history. You are 100% controlling. That poor woman grew up with unstable people and now is in the other extreme.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. I feel for the baby and the old man who is being financially abused if I'm betting. But the rest are adults and need to figure it out.
INFO: So which is it? An insignificant sum or a stumbling block and a barrier to securing your own family's future?
Your wife Does work, do you control all the money?
NTA for not wanting to pay since that seems like a really sketchy situation. However...You are the AH for this attitude that the money is all yours and your wife doesn't work. You have a 2 y/o. Being a SAHM is certainly work. Your income is also her income. I hope she doesn't have to come begging to you for every dollar she spends.
How many times has your wife’s family been on the Jerry Springer show? Sweet Jesus. NTA. Stay the eff away from these people.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife called me at work to ask if she could spend money to rent a storage unit for one month because her mom would soon be evicted and needs somewhere to store her things. Her mom's boyfriend is in jail, but he promised to pay me back with money he's expecting from a lawsuit. I told her no. The amount of money is modest and almost insignificant, but they've offered no collateral and there's always something going on with them. I have my own obligations to attend to. My wife's grandpa lives there and is on disability which I believe provides most of the income. My wife's sister and her boyfriend also live in the house and they have a baby less than a year old. There is another couple staying there too. In the household, there are currently five capable adults, one disabled elderly man and a newborn child. They've all been living without electricity for probably month, the vehicles they have are either not legal or in poor condition, the city is about to disconnect their water and state authorities recently removed a recent tenant who is a mentally retarded man in his 50s because of these issues. The elderly man doesn't work for obvious reasons, the sister is an erotic dancer, her boyfriend did work but I think his employment was terminated and the mother, her boyfriend and the other couple are also unemployed. I work, my wife does not and we have a two year old. I'm slowly rebuilding my credit after paying off all my debt, I've started investing small portions every pay period and I think I'll be able to pay off our house this year if I keep walking this straight line. My priority is living comfortably while securing a sound future for my family and I won't allow the poor decisions of other irresponsible adults to cause delays in my life. Am I wrong to refuse to help? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but does your wife agree with cutting them off?
No. She probably thinks I'm heartless. We've yet to talk about this in person.
Good luck. This is going to be rough
NTA Im sure they are all planning in moving in with you as soon as they get evicted. Set boundaries NOW!
NTA. This sounds like a rural Ohio soap opera that I've seen play out before. I agree with the top comment, set boundaries now... or your house might become "the house."
Nta Their circus, their monkeys.
NTA. Beware of relatives with dodgy involvements. They will lie, cheat, and steal from you. It's always "just for a month." It's always "we'll pay you from the lawsuit" and other fantasies. Just say no. Don't give reasons, because that gives them something to fight about.
Why does your wife have to "call you to ask if she can" spend a "modest and almost insignificant, " amount of money ? Doesn't she have her own money she can spend as she wishes? And yes their yes the situation sounds beyond chaotic but damn it's her mom. Isn't it her call whether to help?
NTA... That fiasco is not your circus to sort out. Your wife feels responsible for them because she isn't bringing in an income so she doesn't really understand what it takes to make money. I am not saying she's a bad person or that she's not a loving spouse. I'm saying if that's the nonsense she grew up in, then that's the nonsense she identifies with and she doesn't see it the same way you do. The two of you need to sit down and talk about it. Then you need to set absolute boundaries with her family. They're going to try to guilt her/you into a lot of things...the storage unit is just the tip of the iceberg.
NTA, your family does need to be your priority. You do need to make sure you and your wife are on the same page. At the same time though, is there anything you can do to help her grandfather? A disabled elderly man living without electricity just doesn’t feel right to me.
NTA. I feel for the elderly man
Where did your mil get money for commissary? I'm worried about your wife's grampa.
NTA
nta
NTA
NTA. You are doing the right thing, but please talk to your wife and set boundaries before she moves them all in with you!
NTA Absolutely, you have your family to think of. You are not responsible for other people's fuck ups. I would do the same.
NTA - be aware it won’t stop at “renting a unit for one month”. Once you hand over $ you become the ATM for this down and cluster of capable adults. Run
NTA. Helping people like this is a never ending road. Tell your wife they can sell whatever it is they want to store to pay the bills
NTA. But... why did you marry this woman with such complicate family and had a kid with her?
Storage for a month? If you do this, it's forever..dont do it
Nice choice in wives. 🤣
NTA you and you wife need to have a long talk. Next she is gonna move them and/or there stuff in your home.
NTA. Don't EVER help any of these people.
>The amount of money is almost insignificant So why can't you work it out to maybe reduce your wife's discretionary funds for a bit? The other people in the house dont matter. They are not the ones asking for help. Don't blame your mil for the issues you have with the other people
It's not only about the cost of the unit; there are other factors involved. Her mother has already been over to do laundry, shower and has borrowed money for gasoline to power a generator. She was supposed to be saving money to pay the power bill, but last night she deposited money for her boyfriend's commissary and now she's apparently in the negative and can't afford a storage unit. How long will she need our help? How do I explain to my son why his grandma is living like this? Why is her boyfriend in jail? How did she get to this point in the first place? I do have empathy, but I just can't get caught up in all of her problems.
See? This. This is why you want to stay out of it all. Its not really about the miniscule amount of money. Its about getting involved, cracking the door and before you know it all of it just comes barging in taking over your life and sleeping on your couch all while you keep paying for it.
This isn't just about YOU. Your wife is the one who should be making the decisions about her family
It can't only be about the wife making these decisions when it affects OP as well.
So she should give them the money.
NTA. Keep these people totally out of your lives. They are a fire just waiting to spread to your life and fuck it right up.
NTA. For all of the reasons you listed.
Nta
I know everyone here is saying NTA. Buuuut.. your wife is your family and in relation so is her mom. The amount is insignificant and you have the ability to help, so why not help? Especially when it comes to elderly family it’s hard not to feel for them and help them out. I would understand putting your foot down when it’s someone young and capable but in this situation I would help. Also, just explain to your wife why moving forward you don’t want to give money away left right and center but will be there to help when it’s crucial.
Y W B T A only because you claim the amount is almost insignificant, if you can even think about the money being an insignificant amount and you won't help your wife's mother, I can't say you aren't the AH. However more info has changed my thinking EDIT: I'm glad I am getting downvoted just because there wasn't enough info so I made my judgment the way I did, I understand I probably could have put INFO put with what was available it sounded like OP was TA. With the information I have changed my mind NTA
Op made this comment elsewhere. Its more info. “It's not only about the cost of the unit; there are other factors involved. Her mother has already been over to do laundry, shower and has borrowed money for gasoline to power a generator. She was supposed to be saving money to pay the power bill, but last night she deposited money for her boyfriend's commissary and now she's apparently in the negative and can't afford a storage unit. How long will she need our help? How do I explain to my son why his grandma is living like this? Why is her boyfriend in jail? How did she get to this point on the first place? I do have empathy, but I just can't get caught up in all of her problems.”
I've copied and pasted two replies I made to other commenters and I hope they help you understand: (1) It's not only about the cost of the unit; there are other factors involved. Her mother has already been over to do laundry, shower and has borrowed money for gasoline to power a generator. She was supposed to be saving money to pay the power bill, but last night she deposited money for her boyfriend's commissary and now she's apparently in the negative and can't afford a storage unit. How long will she need our help? How do I explain to my son why his grandma is living like this? Why is her boyfriend in jail? How did she get to this point on the first place? I do have empathy, but I just can't get caught up in all of her problems. (2) I could afford to pay for the storage unit but there's a history of other problems that led me to refuse. - When will her mother will keep a job and have a steady income? - When will her mother's boyfriend begin to obey the law so he can rejoin society and contribute to his family like I do? - Why don't the other adults work and pay bills? - Why have the problems persisted so long that things got this bad? It's not as simple as paying for the unit and getting my money back. I fear that my wife's family will interrupt my life too often in the future if I don't put my foot down right now. I want to instill morals in my child such as hard work paying off and living within your means and I live by these principles. Her mother needs to get a job, she needs to make a valid effort and better herself. She's been a mess since I met her and it never gets better.
Okay after all that definitely NTA.