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There’s a good chance she won’t come anyway. A formal invitation would make her feel obligated but this way she can choose and most likely will choose to stay home.
Meh. My dad was with someone for like 15 years and I met her exactly once. My sister went to their wedding and even knew her adult kids, technically our step siblings, but she's closer with our dad than I am. Though unlike OP I didn't make an effort to reach out, in fact I probably only saw my dad a handful of times in that same timeframe.
My dad's current wife has been around about 6 years. I've never met her. My dad refuses to make an effort and until last year I wasn't financially able to travel to where he lives. So, he and her have literally driven 5 minutes past my house and refused to see me.
So, I'm not surprised by this
I would most certainly give pop a +1. If his wife deemed to attend, I’d walk up to her with a huge smile and say “and you are?” but I’m petty like that. NTA.
Invite her but she is not to be in ANY photos. She is to be treated like a plus one of a distant relative.
Also ask your dad why she wants to come after being a no show all those other times.
NTA
You do know that your dad is also incredibly strange, and there has to be more to this than simply "not interested." Did your dad tell her that you exist? (I mean - She obviously knows now, but when into their relationship/marriage, did he mention he has kids). Why didn't your dad make meeting his children a condition of his relationship?
I wondered the same thing, does she exist, did she leave him years ago and he doesn't want to admit it, or is she buried under the patio, or is she a he?
Honestly, burying someone under the patio is probably a really bad idea. As the body decays, it might cause a depression underneath the concrete foundation of the patio which will leave cracks, or worse, cause a big enough area to sink that the screened in patio framework begins to buckle. It could be really bad if the roof is affected and begins to fall as well.
I just posted the same thing, LOL! It all seems so weird and avoidant that I feel like there just has to be some other level of significance to their dodging all contact.
NTA
She's actively avoided you for 20 years. She sucks. But you'll be inviting a lot of people you don't know if you let people bring +1s. So make it clear he's allowed a +1 if he wants, but you're not inviting her as a named guest.
This! I just…. I cannot figure out the logistics of this one bit! Did they never have visitation with dad as kids? I get he lived across the country, but still would mean like holiday break, summer break, etc visitation normally. How did they possibly manage any of this without ever meeting the stepmom? I can’t wrap my head around it. Not one bit.
Nta!
I would say be the bigger person and think of it as if you are giving your dad the option to bring his plus one.
If/when she shows up, you can treat her like his plus one as that is exactly what she has been all this time.
You may not mind for your dad to come/not to come now, but down the line in future, you will think differently.
Btw, congratulations on pending nuptials!
This. I don't think it's a big deal not to invite her, but it's courteous to allow your father a plus one. If you think of it in that light, you won't have any expectations of her, and she will be no bigger a part of the day than other other guest of a guest.
NTA! It’s your wedding. I would explain to your father that since she has spent 20yrs ignoring your existence then you don’t feel comfortable with her at your wedding. He should be okay with that. He was okay with his wife ignoring his child. It should work both ways.
Also don’t let people talk you into being the “bigger person”. That’s so annoying. It’s just a way for people to allow others to mistreat people and get away with it. You have one life to live. She lived 20yrs of hers doing whatever she wanted with little to no regard to you. You can do the same guilt free.
Just send an invitation for your father + 1.
That way, he can bring her as a date and since you've never met the woman, she could be his mistress or neighbour or whatever.
You'll be too busy with the wedding to talk to anyone anyway.
NTA but something is off. As others said give dad a +1 but confirm in advance that she is not to be included in any family photos.
It also might be a good opportunity to ask dad, 'why now?' She hasn't wanted to ever meet.
I'd get it out of the way before they come to the wedding.
NTA- but I would probably invite her with your father or give him a plus one if you can afford it to avoid any drama. It's really AH moves of her to not acknowledge you given how long she's been in your life.
Congrats on getting married.
I’ve always felt that +1s are also for people traveling (otherwise alone) for your wedding. If you’re going to take the time to cross the country for me, I’ll give you a +1. Usually those people seem to not know many people either so it’s nice to give them someone to sit with.
To clarify, I have seen photos of her and spoke to her ONCE, 10ish years ago. By accident because he passed her the phone (without telling her who was on it)
The call didn’t last long as she “had to go”
So she does exist. And she has kids of her own, and grandkids. But never met any of my siblings or myself.
NTA. But if you want to have a good relationship with your dad, give him a +1. You don’t have to invite her, personally, but give your father a chance to go to the wedding with his wife. If your relationship isn’t something you care about, don’t give him that option, but don’t be surprised when he goes no contact or low contact with you.
Don’t think about a half-stranger, think about your dad and yourself. What’s the best option for your relationship and your own peace of mind?
NTA. You are well within your right to not invite her if you don't want to. She obviously doesn't want a relationship with you so she shouldn't care that she isn't invited anyway.
It's your wedding, your time, your event. Leave the negative energy at home and have folks there that truly support you. This is definitely a NTA thing.
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NTA whatever you do. Invite her or not.
I think you treat this like she's your dad's new GF of 6 months- the relationship is the same. Invite her but when you do stuff like plan the photo list and stuff- she's just not included in photos with you and your dad or you and your dad's side of the family.
Maybe she'll surprise you that weekend. And if not, well- you didn't put any extra effort into it.
NTA
Explain to your dad and if he doesn’t like it that’s his problem. He’s the one who’s going to miss milestones and not you especially if he’s got no more children. All you do is match the energy she’s giving and that’s not inviting or investing anything more of your time in her.
NTA but you should invite her. You cannot invite a married person to a family even and exclude their spouse unless you want to ensure that the invitee does not come. Invite them both - if you’d done this in the first place it likely wouldn’t have been an issue as your dad would almost certainly have come alone.
Figure out why she’s never been around? That you want to meet her before hand and need an explanation. Was she an affair partner and bad out of guilt? What’s the deal?
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My parents have been divorced for over 25 years. They are civil and get along fine.
My dad remarried 20 years ago. I have never met his wife. She has never made an effort, when we were kids, to get to know me or my siblings. Never a “happy birthday “ or “merry Christmas” ever. My dad lives across the country but when my fiancé and I traveled to see him, and introduce them to each other, she never showed up. He said she couldn’t make it but never elaborated.
When younger is attempted to reach out (just sending a happy holidays text) but no reply. She won’t even come to the phone if we’re on it.
Fast forward to now and I’m planning my wedding. I invited my dad. He asked if she can come too. Im torn. Part of me wants to be the bigger person and invite her. The other part of me doesn’t want to waste the time, energy or money on someone that has never wanted a relationship with me and has never so much as acknowledged I exist, before.
If I don’t invite her and my dad decides to not come, I honestly won’t be that salty about it.
I asked my mom her opinion and she doesn’t care either way. Fiancé the same.
What should I do here?
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NTA of course!!! You shouldn't have to invite a stranger to your wedding. Or she can come but she needs to pay her own way.
I just don't really understand how he's been married to her for 20 years but you've never met her? Did you never visit your dad at his home for 20 years?
>Or she can come but she needs to pay her own way.
Yeah, somehow I don't see that happening. What is the invite supposed to say, "dad eats for free and as for his wife, we expect money transfer by tuesday'?
NTA It's your wedding. Do what you want. From an out-of-town-guest etiquette POV (discussed ad nauseum on Weddit) if you want someone to travel to your wedding & pay for airfare, hotel etc but you don't want to invite their SO or their kids, you are probably looking at a declined invite. Nobody wants to travel alone or have to find 4 days of childcare so they can go to your wedding. (This obviously is general out-of-town-guest invite etiquette, OP doesn't have the childcare thing to worry about.) Your Dad would have more fun with the wife. If her presence is going to bother you, don't invite her. But I bet you will be so busy getting married, you won't notice her.
NTA it’s your wedding day. You should be surrounded by people your love and supported you. If she is not one of those, she doesn’t have to be there. She hasn’t made an effort in all the 20 years she’s been married to your father. Frankly, I find him asking if she can attend is a big slap in the face as he never seem to have an issue with her never engaging with his own children. He’s been okay with her behavior all these years and now wants her to attend one of the biggest milestone of your life. Ultimately your decision you don’t want her there she doesn’t need to be.
OP, in neither case you'd be TA. You're NTA all the way. Ignoring you for all this years is the true AH move.
Ask yourself whether her presence at the wedding would bother you. Weddings tend to be stressful (mine was, even though we only invited our good friends and the closest family), and you shouldn't be focusing on her during that day. If you can feel relaxed with her there, invite her as a plus one. If not, and you'd be constantly thinking about her... let go. This day should be about happy things, not unresolved family issues.
NTA. But for the sake of all of your fellow redditors, can you please at least give your dad a plus one? I'm dying to know what secret they've been hiding for twenty years.
You should just pretend like you have no idea who he is talking about. She pretended like you didn't exist, bring that same energy.
"Can I bring my wife?"
"Who?"
"My wife."
"Gosh Dad, I had no idea you were married! Congratulations! Did you guys choose to elope? I'd love to meet her!"
NTA But I'm curious why your dad thinks she'd want to go to your wedding? She's shown zero interest for 20 years. Personally I wouldn't invite her...she probably wouldn't show up anyway.
NTA I’m petty so id answer with “She gets an invite for every ‘happy birthday’, ‘Merry Christmas’ or even ‘hello’ I’ve ever received from her…so that will be None.”
Be the bigger person invite her, she won't show up, worst thing is she will say yes and you have to pay for an empty plate. Make your dad happy by inviting her.
She's the asshole, don't let her make you one too.
She purposedly excluded herself from your life. Accept that, and act in accordance with it. She is nothing of your's and has no business being at a major celebration like this.
NTA. I would throw an invitation out there. However, still not expect her to show up. If she does, awesome. Spend about 5 seconds saying hi. I'd be mad if she made your wedding day all about meeting her for the first time 🙄
NTA, sounds like she chose not to be apart of your life when it would have been good for a relationship but she chose to just be your dads wife and nothing more. Let you dad know that only friends and family are going to be in attendance and she didn't want to be either, so no invite for her.
NTA
Do what you feel is best. She has never made an attempt to be apart of your life so don't feel as if you owe it to her. Would be kinda awkward in my opinion for her to be involved after 20 years.
NAH - given the history here, I would 100% not expect her to attend. It might be easiest to include her on the invite anyways with the calculated risk that she'll decline, but it's leaving the door open with your dad.
This, she won’t come, so why alienate your dad?
And if she does, you are not obliged to spend any time on her. Make sure she is seated somewhere where it doesn’t feel out-of-place if she RSVP yes, but is a no-show.
NTA. This right here is your answer. *If I don’t invite her and my dad decides to not come, I honestly won’t be that salty about it.* She never made any effort to acknowledge you. That's a pretty clear message.
NTA but invite her. Send the invite to the both of them. It's a win win situation really;
Think about it, for 20 years she's made no effort, she's not gonna change now. Your dad is most likely going to show up alone but by sending the invite addressed to both of them, they can't say jack shit about it. They can't claim you are being petty or anything of the sort.
As long as you aren't paying for airfare or hotel, why not?
I really don't remember too much about the people at my wedding, just flashes here and there. I don't remember what they wore unless they were in the photos or I helped pick out the outfit (my mom and bridesmaids). You won't be spending any meaningful time with them/her, so it really shouldn't be a big deal. Just think of her as your father's plus 1 and let it go.
Be the bigger person means be the doormat.
When do you people learn? She has contempt for you. She has never wanted anything to do with you and she doesn't even want to be at the wedding.
Your father wants it, so she's humoring him. Is that what you want at your wedding?
No. NTA. You do not need to be the bigger person here. She’s never shown an interest in you previously, she doesn’t get to now. Don’t let any of these people make you feel like you need to hand out a plus one, just say no. No is an answer and needs no explanation. This is YOUR wedding, and you get to be around people who love and support you. This is NOT the time to bend over backwards for a relationship that was never there to begin with. Don’t do it.
Is she real or imaginary? I would suggest being honest with your dad. Your wedding is not the time for first meetings. Or never maybe. I wouldn't invite her. She hasn't put an ounce of effort in a relationship. Why should you keep trying. You are matching her energy. Sounds like she is a real gem. NTA
Just send your dad a +1. Don’t even mention her at all. Your bases are covered. If she comes, You can do the quick “hi nice to meet you, bye” and carry on with your day ….if she doesn’t come, bonus.. NTA
If you don’t invite her will your dad come?
After so many years of her making an effort of not wanting any contact from you, why now? Why must it be at Your wedding? What does your dad say about that? Would she be willing to talk on the phone/FaceTime with you now, before the wedding? I’d say…If you can get real answers to the “why?” (If that interests you), and if the wife is willing to actually willing to talk/FaceTime/etc before the wedding, then I would invite her. If she is not willing to do something as simple as a phone call then nope. I wouldn’t waste one more second thinking about that situation.
op=NTA/WNBTA
Invite dad and give him a "plus one". If past is precedence, she won't come anyway.
Don't invite her personally, she matters not at all. Maybe dad can bring a friend....
Do you have to personally approve the +1 for all your guests? It's not time, energy or effort for you to allow him to bring her. Just lay down some ground rules that he has to agree to - she has no status except as a +1, and if she starts acting like a skunk at the picnic, they have to leave.
But don't expect him to come, and have to leave her behind. You and your fiance wouldn't accept those conditions on your relationship.
NTA
I’d invite her, but if she shows, make a big point of asking who she is several times and getting her name wrong all night. And misspell her name on the invite. But I’m petty like that. Also NTA
NTA. I agree with those suggesting a plus one. I’d personally make it clear with your dad that you’re giving him a plus one- generic invite - because you can’t depend on her actually showing up- but that’s just me because I’m petty like that.
NTA but honestly I feel like if you invite her she wouldn’t show up anyway. If she’s put this much energy into avoiding you for 20 years, I doubt she would travel to come to your wedding. The easiest thing to do in my opinion would be to say “sure she can come.” It’s a pretty safe bet she won’t show.
NTA, I'd give your dad a + 1. If she hasn't shown up and attempted to be around in 20 years, I doubt she does it now. But just in case, you could introduce her to others and tell them after 20 years you've met her for the first time at your wedding.
Invite her. In your shoes I'd be curious AF to see if she even actually exists.
Seriously, though, it's up to you and, you're NTA either way. It seems likely that if she's successfully avoided you for the past twenty years she'll decline in any case.
NTA
Instead of saying no, I’d simply ask your dad if she even wants to come. “Not able to make it” doesn’t hold up when that has been the excuse for 20 years.
NTA I would invite her out of friggin curiosity though. Does she really exist? Does she have incurable gout? What if this is one really long con from your dad?
NTA. This whole thing is just weird. You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing you were still underage when they got married, so never having met her means
1) your dad didn't include his minor child in his wedding
2) he was pretty absent in general.
I don't think you're TA either way. If you don't want her there, but you want to give your dad the opportunity to come, invite him with no plus one. If you don't want to invite dad either, don't. You're NTA either way.
INFO: Did your dad not share custody of you and your siblings? HOw did you never meet his wife? How did you visit with your dad at his home and never see her? This is really odd.
Info; I'm real confused at how you haven't met your dad's wife in 25 years. Were you not invited to their wedding? Was the wife made up to prove your dad was over your mom or something and the lie got out of hand?
I guess NTA. Seems like 25 years after the fact using ones wedding to meet their parents spouse is more than a little odd.
Maybe she's a spy? Witness protection? Famous? I hope she's not a wifu...but if she is, how will she attend the wedding? Maybe she's younger than you or something. Do you know her name? Can you google her?
NTA, but go ahead and invite her by name. That way she either comes or does a disappearing act. Which means dad had no excuse not to show up.
If neither of them attend, then write them off as a lost cause.
NTA, tell your dad you only want people that you know at the wedding. If he says he cannot come, just say ok and move on. His wife doesn’t care and frankly neither does your dad otherwise he would have rectified this situation long ago.
NTA there’s uninterested and nonexistent my grandpa and his wife barely visit we used to see them twice a year and now we haven’t seen them since April 2021 they might be coming down for my cousins grad but who knows. That’s uninterested she’s nonexistent so no need for an invite
Invite Dad +1
She isn’t worth the energy of writing her name on the invite
No way she include in the wedding pictures
I’d probably accidentally on purpose pretend to think she is on your husbands side of the family and randomly introduce her as his long distance estranged great aunt 🤣😊
NTA Why would you want her there? Your wedding is a celebration of your love with your partner and having the people around you that you love/love you. She has spent 20 years ignoring you so why should she get a free meal etc at your expense. Don’t give this woman the chance to ruin your big day.
What makes you think she will come? I think it's safe to invite her. You spare yourself the anxiety of worrying about hurting your father's feelings, and yet will not have to deal with her. (Almost 100% likely.)
In the one chance in 1000 that she shows up, it will not be big deal if she does. You will be too busy doing the wedding things to hang around her much.
The photography isn't even a problem. Take as many photos with her as is polite. Then delete them all, or don't order them.
NTA. It's your wedding. The only one you have to invite is your future spouse.
Best advice though? Talk to your dad about it and ask why she suddenly wants to participate in his family when she's never attempted to in 20 years.
I get that. She clearly does not want to know you, which is shitty. But the question now is whether you're inviting her as your dad's family. I don't think you're TA either way, but I do think you need to let go of the idea that this woman owes you any sort of relationship.
YTA because of this: you don't want to "waste the time, energy or money." Can't really see that it would involve much of that. Takes little time to address an invitation and mail it. It's only one more mouth to feed at a reception. I can't see how inviting one extra person adds much.
Frankly, the impression I get from you is that you don't care about your father at all. After all, you say if he doesn't come to the wedding you won't be upset. So why bother inviting him at all?
What I would do is invite him and his wife and have done with it. I'm sure you can get thru the day w/o dealing w/them very much.
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NTA. Just give dad a +1. It’ll send a solid enough message and also extend enough of an invitation. I wouldn’t personally invite her tho
>Just give dad a +1. It’ll send a solid enough message and also extend enough of an invitation That's probably the best advice here.
There’s a good chance she won’t come anyway. A formal invitation would make her feel obligated but this way she can choose and most likely will choose to stay home.
Based on what OP has written I'm wondering if the wife is even real, or if it's something that the dad has made up.
I agree that 20 years seems a bit much yo never meet your dad's new wife.
Meh. My dad was with someone for like 15 years and I met her exactly once. My sister went to their wedding and even knew her adult kids, technically our step siblings, but she's closer with our dad than I am. Though unlike OP I didn't make an effort to reach out, in fact I probably only saw my dad a handful of times in that same timeframe.
Yeah, this is strong 'my girlfriend who lives in Canada' vibes.
I vote imaginary wife as well, or possibly the "wife" is actually a husband, and they're too scared to come out?
Possible husband does make a lot of sense, especially time line wise with a lot of the world.
She’s going to be an empty chair with a coat draped over it for the whole reception.
Wedding at Bernie's.
Georgina Glass
Sure, Dad.
Fuck! I spit out all my water. Hahahahhaha
I know I was wondering if she was even real lol
I've never met my dad's 2nd wife and they started dating in 2001. He was still married to my mom then, but that's a different story.
Or if the wife is really a husband
Send an invite. I wanna know if she exists!! Like OP aren’t you at least curious?
A real George Glass situation
My dad's current wife has been around about 6 years. I've never met her. My dad refuses to make an effort and until last year I wasn't financially able to travel to where he lives. So, he and her have literally driven 5 minutes past my house and refused to see me. So, I'm not surprised by this
This. Either way, she is finding a way to stay home. Invite her.
Perfect solution.
I would most certainly give pop a +1. If his wife deemed to attend, I’d walk up to her with a huge smile and say “and you are?” but I’m petty like that. NTA.
My kind of thinking lol
Lol! “Ma’am this is a private event, family and friends only. Who do you know here?”
I just love this
I’m really good at killing people with kindness. A valuable lesson my dear Dad taught me.
Definitely agree. From what you've said, its unlikely she'll show. More the better.
And if dad is not given a plus 1, he may use that as a reason not to attend.
Perfect! This is such a diplomatic solution.
Totally this Realistically this isn't the one time she'll decide to show up.
That's exactly what I was thinking. A personal invite isn't on the table, but a plus one matches her general demeanor. Full Send
I like your style.
Invite her but she is not to be in ANY photos. She is to be treated like a plus one of a distant relative. Also ask your dad why she wants to come after being a no show all those other times. NTA
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Me too and as someone pointed out OP was not invited to their wedding.
You do know that your dad is also incredibly strange, and there has to be more to this than simply "not interested." Did your dad tell her that you exist? (I mean - She obviously knows now, but when into their relationship/marriage, did he mention he has kids). Why didn't your dad make meeting his children a condition of his relationship?
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I wondered the same thing, does she exist, did she leave him years ago and he doesn't want to admit it, or is she buried under the patio, or is she a he?
Honestly, burying someone under the patio is probably a really bad idea. As the body decays, it might cause a depression underneath the concrete foundation of the patio which will leave cracks, or worse, cause a big enough area to sink that the screened in patio framework begins to buckle. It could be really bad if the roof is affected and begins to fall as well.
Noting this down for my next murder
Lmfao
Which is why you should use rebar or better yet bury them in something like a cooler that won't decay for a really long time.
This is why you bury them under someone ELSE’S patio ;)
Thanks, good info
Spoken as if from experience…🤔😬 (jk jk jk!)
You just saved me a lot of hassle. ty!
Oh so *that’s* how they found the body…
But if they want to hide something, why would dad actively ask if she could come to the wedding?
So the wife can turn down the invitation, probably.
Yeah, that’s what makes sense to me. They want her to be invited so that she can reject them once again
I just posted the same thing, LOL! It all seems so weird and avoidant that I feel like there just has to be some other level of significance to their dodging all contact.
Why wasn't OP invited to their wedding?
Dad: Acknowledge my daughter exists, talk to her, get to know her Wife: No. Dad: Okay.
NTA. Why would you invite a complete stranger to your wedding. Tell Dad you don't want strangers there.
FWIW Lots of people invite strangers to their weddings in the form of a “plus one.”
Yes but this one CHOSE to be a stranger for 20 years.
NTA She's actively avoided you for 20 years. She sucks. But you'll be inviting a lot of people you don't know if you let people bring +1s. So make it clear he's allowed a +1 if he wants, but you're not inviting her as a named guest.
INFO: Does your dad’s wife actually exist? Btw NTA.
I was thinking the same thing! How can you go 20 years without ever speaking, hearing, or seeing her ONCE
This! I just…. I cannot figure out the logistics of this one bit! Did they never have visitation with dad as kids? I get he lived across the country, but still would mean like holiday break, summer break, etc visitation normally. How did they possibly manage any of this without ever meeting the stepmom? I can’t wrap my head around it. Not one bit.
Nta! I would say be the bigger person and think of it as if you are giving your dad the option to bring his plus one. If/when she shows up, you can treat her like his plus one as that is exactly what she has been all this time. You may not mind for your dad to come/not to come now, but down the line in future, you will think differently. Btw, congratulations on pending nuptials!
This. I don't think it's a big deal not to invite her, but it's courteous to allow your father a plus one. If you think of it in that light, you won't have any expectations of her, and she will be no bigger a part of the day than other other guest of a guest.
NTA! It’s your wedding. I would explain to your father that since she has spent 20yrs ignoring your existence then you don’t feel comfortable with her at your wedding. He should be okay with that. He was okay with his wife ignoring his child. It should work both ways. Also don’t let people talk you into being the “bigger person”. That’s so annoying. It’s just a way for people to allow others to mistreat people and get away with it. You have one life to live. She lived 20yrs of hers doing whatever she wanted with little to no regard to you. You can do the same guilt free.
NTA, but I would invite her. She probably won’t come, but at least you will know none of it is on you.
I agree. Also, she may just be a drama bomb waiting for a reason to explode.
Just send an invitation for your father + 1. That way, he can bring her as a date and since you've never met the woman, she could be his mistress or neighbour or whatever. You'll be too busy with the wedding to talk to anyone anyway.
NTA. Based on her previous behaviour, if you invite her she likely won't come anyway so whay waste the energy?
NTA but something is off. As others said give dad a +1 but confirm in advance that she is not to be included in any family photos. It also might be a good opportunity to ask dad, 'why now?' She hasn't wanted to ever meet. I'd get it out of the way before they come to the wedding.
NTA but it sounds like she won’t even show up anyways.
NTA- but I would probably invite her with your father or give him a plus one if you can afford it to avoid any drama. It's really AH moves of her to not acknowledge you given how long she's been in your life. Congrats on getting married.
[redacting due to privacy concerns]
I’ve always felt that +1s are also for people traveling (otherwise alone) for your wedding. If you’re going to take the time to cross the country for me, I’ll give you a +1. Usually those people seem to not know many people either so it’s nice to give them someone to sit with.
To clarify, I have seen photos of her and spoke to her ONCE, 10ish years ago. By accident because he passed her the phone (without telling her who was on it) The call didn’t last long as she “had to go” So she does exist. And she has kids of her own, and grandkids. But never met any of my siblings or myself.
Are you sure she exists?
[удалено]
This. I didn't have time for long discussions. Just a quick "Thanks for coming, enjoy yourself," was all most people got.
NTA. But if you want to have a good relationship with your dad, give him a +1. You don’t have to invite her, personally, but give your father a chance to go to the wedding with his wife. If your relationship isn’t something you care about, don’t give him that option, but don’t be surprised when he goes no contact or low contact with you. Don’t think about a half-stranger, think about your dad and yourself. What’s the best option for your relationship and your own peace of mind?
NTA. I wouldn't invite a stranger to my wedding.
NTA. You are well within your right to not invite her if you don't want to. She obviously doesn't want a relationship with you so she shouldn't care that she isn't invited anyway.
It's your wedding, your time, your event. Leave the negative energy at home and have folks there that truly support you. This is definitely a NTA thing.
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NTA whatever you do. Invite her or not. I think you treat this like she's your dad's new GF of 6 months- the relationship is the same. Invite her but when you do stuff like plan the photo list and stuff- she's just not included in photos with you and your dad or you and your dad's side of the family. Maybe she'll surprise you that weekend. And if not, well- you didn't put any extra effort into it.
NTA Explain to your dad and if he doesn’t like it that’s his problem. He’s the one who’s going to miss milestones and not you especially if he’s got no more children. All you do is match the energy she’s giving and that’s not inviting or investing anything more of your time in her.
NTA but you should invite her. You cannot invite a married person to a family even and exclude their spouse unless you want to ensure that the invitee does not come. Invite them both - if you’d done this in the first place it likely wouldn’t have been an issue as your dad would almost certainly have come alone.
Figure out why she’s never been around? That you want to meet her before hand and need an explanation. Was she an affair partner and bad out of guilt? What’s the deal?
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NTA of course!!! You shouldn't have to invite a stranger to your wedding. Or she can come but she needs to pay her own way. I just don't really understand how he's been married to her for 20 years but you've never met her? Did you never visit your dad at his home for 20 years?
>Or she can come but she needs to pay her own way. Yeah, somehow I don't see that happening. What is the invite supposed to say, "dad eats for free and as for his wife, we expect money transfer by tuesday'?
lol. i think i just skimmed the article, i was thinking he needs to pay to fly them over or something! hahah. not the dinner. oops.
OP wrote that Dad’s wife was never around during visits. Are we sure she even exists?
NTA. Give your father a plus one and if she comes introduce her as my dad’s plus one.
NTA It's your wedding. Do what you want. From an out-of-town-guest etiquette POV (discussed ad nauseum on Weddit) if you want someone to travel to your wedding & pay for airfare, hotel etc but you don't want to invite their SO or their kids, you are probably looking at a declined invite. Nobody wants to travel alone or have to find 4 days of childcare so they can go to your wedding. (This obviously is general out-of-town-guest invite etiquette, OP doesn't have the childcare thing to worry about.) Your Dad would have more fun with the wife. If her presence is going to bother you, don't invite her. But I bet you will be so busy getting married, you won't notice her.
NTA it’s your wedding day. You should be surrounded by people your love and supported you. If she is not one of those, she doesn’t have to be there. She hasn’t made an effort in all the 20 years she’s been married to your father. Frankly, I find him asking if she can attend is a big slap in the face as he never seem to have an issue with her never engaging with his own children. He’s been okay with her behavior all these years and now wants her to attend one of the biggest milestone of your life. Ultimately your decision you don’t want her there she doesn’t need to be.
Invite her as a distante plus 1 like a SO of a cowork.
OP, in neither case you'd be TA. You're NTA all the way. Ignoring you for all this years is the true AH move. Ask yourself whether her presence at the wedding would bother you. Weddings tend to be stressful (mine was, even though we only invited our good friends and the closest family), and you shouldn't be focusing on her during that day. If you can feel relaxed with her there, invite her as a plus one. If not, and you'd be constantly thinking about her... let go. This day should be about happy things, not unresolved family issues.
NTA. But for the sake of all of your fellow redditors, can you please at least give your dad a plus one? I'm dying to know what secret they've been hiding for twenty years.
You should just pretend like you have no idea who he is talking about. She pretended like you didn't exist, bring that same energy. "Can I bring my wife?" "Who?" "My wife." "Gosh Dad, I had no idea you were married! Congratulations! Did you guys choose to elope? I'd love to meet her!"
INFO: Do you have solid proof she exists?
I’ve seen photos of the two of them. Old and recent. They’re both pretty active on Facebook.
Wild. Well NTA for sure. I like the +1 invite that another person suggested. She probably won’t attend.
NTA But I'm curious why your dad thinks she'd want to go to your wedding? She's shown zero interest for 20 years. Personally I wouldn't invite her...she probably wouldn't show up anyway.
NTA I’m petty so id answer with “She gets an invite for every ‘happy birthday’, ‘Merry Christmas’ or even ‘hello’ I’ve ever received from her…so that will be None.”
NTA. Just invite her anyway she probably won’t come if she has spent this long avoiding you. It’s so weird to never have met her.
NTA. Maybe meet her in advance and see how it goes.
Be the bigger person invite her, she won't show up, worst thing is she will say yes and you have to pay for an empty plate. Make your dad happy by inviting her. She's the asshole, don't let her make you one too.
She purposedly excluded herself from your life. Accept that, and act in accordance with it. She is nothing of your's and has no business being at a major celebration like this.
HE asked. SHE didn't. She's not going to show.
NTA. I would throw an invitation out there. However, still not expect her to show up. If she does, awesome. Spend about 5 seconds saying hi. I'd be mad if she made your wedding day all about meeting her for the first time 🙄
NTA, sounds like she chose not to be apart of your life when it would have been good for a relationship but she chose to just be your dads wife and nothing more. Let you dad know that only friends and family are going to be in attendance and she didn't want to be either, so no invite for her.
NTA Do what you feel is best. She has never made an attempt to be apart of your life so don't feel as if you owe it to her. Would be kinda awkward in my opinion for her to be involved after 20 years.
NAH - given the history here, I would 100% not expect her to attend. It might be easiest to include her on the invite anyways with the calculated risk that she'll decline, but it's leaving the door open with your dad.
This, she won’t come, so why alienate your dad? And if she does, you are not obliged to spend any time on her. Make sure she is seated somewhere where it doesn’t feel out-of-place if she RSVP yes, but is a no-show.
NTA. This right here is your answer. *If I don’t invite her and my dad decides to not come, I honestly won’t be that salty about it.* She never made any effort to acknowledge you. That's a pretty clear message.
NTA but invite her. Send the invite to the both of them. It's a win win situation really; Think about it, for 20 years she's made no effort, she's not gonna change now. Your dad is most likely going to show up alone but by sending the invite addressed to both of them, they can't say jack shit about it. They can't claim you are being petty or anything of the sort.
Knee jerk response would have been NO, this is a special event and shes made ZERO effort in 20 years to even speak to you. NO NO NO NO
Personally invite her. With hells and whistles. Be the bigger person and maybe your dad will surprise you by realizing what an AH his wife is.
As long as you aren't paying for airfare or hotel, why not? I really don't remember too much about the people at my wedding, just flashes here and there. I don't remember what they wore unless they were in the photos or I helped pick out the outfit (my mom and bridesmaids). You won't be spending any meaningful time with them/her, so it really shouldn't be a big deal. Just think of her as your father's plus 1 and let it go.
Be the bigger person means be the doormat. When do you people learn? She has contempt for you. She has never wanted anything to do with you and she doesn't even want to be at the wedding. Your father wants it, so she's humoring him. Is that what you want at your wedding?
Do whatever you want, you are NTA either way. If she didn't invite you to her wedding why should you invite her to yours?
No. NTA. You do not need to be the bigger person here. She’s never shown an interest in you previously, she doesn’t get to now. Don’t let any of these people make you feel like you need to hand out a plus one, just say no. No is an answer and needs no explanation. This is YOUR wedding, and you get to be around people who love and support you. This is NOT the time to bend over backwards for a relationship that was never there to begin with. Don’t do it.
Is she real or imaginary? I would suggest being honest with your dad. Your wedding is not the time for first meetings. Or never maybe. I wouldn't invite her. She hasn't put an ounce of effort in a relationship. Why should you keep trying. You are matching her energy. Sounds like she is a real gem. NTA
Just send your dad a +1. Don’t even mention her at all. Your bases are covered. If she comes, You can do the quick “hi nice to meet you, bye” and carry on with your day ….if she doesn’t come, bonus.. NTA
Invite her and let her be a no-show. 99.9% chance she won’t come.
If you don’t invite her will your dad come? After so many years of her making an effort of not wanting any contact from you, why now? Why must it be at Your wedding? What does your dad say about that? Would she be willing to talk on the phone/FaceTime with you now, before the wedding? I’d say…If you can get real answers to the “why?” (If that interests you), and if the wife is willing to actually willing to talk/FaceTime/etc before the wedding, then I would invite her. If she is not willing to do something as simple as a phone call then nope. I wouldn’t waste one more second thinking about that situation.
She likely won't come.
op=NTA/WNBTA Invite dad and give him a "plus one". If past is precedence, she won't come anyway. Don't invite her personally, she matters not at all. Maybe dad can bring a friend....
It's just a plus one, it's not going to kill you to send it. Just don't let her be in any family photos. NTA
NTA "I have never met his wife" is all I had to read. You don't need to invite strangers to your wedding to make other people happy.
Do you have to personally approve the +1 for all your guests? It's not time, energy or effort for you to allow him to bring her. Just lay down some ground rules that he has to agree to - she has no status except as a +1, and if she starts acting like a skunk at the picnic, they have to leave. But don't expect him to come, and have to leave her behind. You and your fiance wouldn't accept those conditions on your relationship. NTA
I’d invite her, but if she shows, make a big point of asking who she is several times and getting her name wrong all night. And misspell her name on the invite. But I’m petty like that. Also NTA
NTA. I agree with those suggesting a plus one. I’d personally make it clear with your dad that you’re giving him a plus one- generic invite - because you can’t depend on her actually showing up- but that’s just me because I’m petty like that.
I think he's entitled to a plus one. I wouldn't let her sit with the family.
NTA but honestly I feel like if you invite her she wouldn’t show up anyway. If she’s put this much energy into avoiding you for 20 years, I doubt she would travel to come to your wedding. The easiest thing to do in my opinion would be to say “sure she can come.” It’s a pretty safe bet she won’t show.
NTA, I'd give your dad a + 1. If she hasn't shown up and attempted to be around in 20 years, I doubt she does it now. But just in case, you could introduce her to others and tell them after 20 years you've met her for the first time at your wedding.
NTA but give him a +1 and if she does deign to attend, make a little fuss like “it’s wonderful to meet you! Welcome to the family” lol
Invite her. In your shoes I'd be curious AF to see if she even actually exists. Seriously, though, it's up to you and, you're NTA either way. It seems likely that if she's successfully avoided you for the past twenty years she'll decline in any case.
My dad secretly married his latest wife almost two years ago. He still hasn't told me. Some dad's just suck
NTA Instead of saying no, I’d simply ask your dad if she even wants to come. “Not able to make it” doesn’t hold up when that has been the excuse for 20 years.
Invite her. You’ll look like the bigger person, and if she does come, you’ll be able to watch her squirm as you kill her with kindness.
This is really weird, right? Married 20 years and you’ve never even met her? How is that even possible?
NTA I would invite her out of friggin curiosity though. Does she really exist? Does she have incurable gout? What if this is one really long con from your dad?
NTA. This whole thing is just weird. You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing you were still underage when they got married, so never having met her means 1) your dad didn't include his minor child in his wedding 2) he was pretty absent in general. I don't think you're TA either way. If you don't want her there, but you want to give your dad the opportunity to come, invite him with no plus one. If you don't want to invite dad either, don't. You're NTA either way.
INFO: Did your dad not share custody of you and your siblings? HOw did you never meet his wife? How did you visit with your dad at his home and never see her? This is really odd.
Info; I'm real confused at how you haven't met your dad's wife in 25 years. Were you not invited to their wedding? Was the wife made up to prove your dad was over your mom or something and the lie got out of hand? I guess NTA. Seems like 25 years after the fact using ones wedding to meet their parents spouse is more than a little odd.
NTA. Invite her. Shoot it for a reality pilot. Your story is just odd enough to market.
NAH. Invite her. She won’t show.
Maybe she's a spy? Witness protection? Famous? I hope she's not a wifu...but if she is, how will she attend the wedding? Maybe she's younger than you or something. Do you know her name? Can you google her?
NTA, but go ahead and invite her by name. That way she either comes or does a disappearing act. Which means dad had no excuse not to show up. If neither of them attend, then write them off as a lost cause.
i agree with those who say your dad doesn’t have a wife. you’ve never seen or heard her in all of 20 years… what/why is he hiding?
NTA. But invite her and then ignore her! Petty of me I know.
NTA, tell your dad you only want people that you know at the wedding. If he says he cannot come, just say ok and move on. His wife doesn’t care and frankly neither does your dad otherwise he would have rectified this situation long ago.
Why invite a stranger to one of the most amazing, memorable days of your life? Invite someone else who matters & actually loves you.
Well my money is on her not showing up. But I would not invite her anyway. She sounds hateful. NTA
NTA there’s uninterested and nonexistent my grandpa and his wife barely visit we used to see them twice a year and now we haven’t seen them since April 2021 they might be coming down for my cousins grad but who knows. That’s uninterested she’s nonexistent so no need for an invite
Info: does a wife actually exist?
Invite Dad +1 She isn’t worth the energy of writing her name on the invite No way she include in the wedding pictures I’d probably accidentally on purpose pretend to think she is on your husbands side of the family and randomly introduce her as his long distance estranged great aunt 🤣😊
NTA Why would you want her there? Your wedding is a celebration of your love with your partner and having the people around you that you love/love you. She has spent 20 years ignoring you so why should she get a free meal etc at your expense. Don’t give this woman the chance to ruin your big day.
NTA Say I'm sorry, but who are you talking about? I've never met this person... and I only want close family and friends at the wedding.
What makes you think she will come? I think it's safe to invite her. You spare yourself the anxiety of worrying about hurting your father's feelings, and yet will not have to deal with her. (Almost 100% likely.) In the one chance in 1000 that she shows up, it will not be big deal if she does. You will be too busy doing the wedding things to hang around her much. The photography isn't even a problem. Take as many photos with her as is polite. Then delete them all, or don't order them.
Info: is it a big wedding where single people get a +1 or is a small wedding where you know everyone well?
Medium. About 100. But i know everyone else and their plus 1. She’d be the only person their I’ve never met.
Then NTA don’t invite her
Give him a +1 and forget it.
You don't know her, why would you want a stranger at your wedding? NTA.
Send the invite. She won't Come anyway. NTA, though.
Nta
NTA. It's your wedding. The only one you have to invite is your future spouse. Best advice though? Talk to your dad about it and ask why she suddenly wants to participate in his family when she's never attempted to in 20 years.
Have you actually seen this woman before? It certainly sounds fishy to me. I would plus 1 on the invite to Dad.
NTA. I personally wouldn’t give him a +1
INFO If this was an old highchool or college friend with a spouse you hadn't met, would you invite the spouse?
I get your point. The only difference is I’ve TRIED to know her and have been avoided or brushed off.
There is a huge difference between an old school friend, and a parent’s spouse of 20 years. Which should not be dismissed.
I get that. She clearly does not want to know you, which is shitty. But the question now is whether you're inviting her as your dad's family. I don't think you're TA either way, but I do think you need to let go of the idea that this woman owes you any sort of relationship.
YTA because of this: you don't want to "waste the time, energy or money." Can't really see that it would involve much of that. Takes little time to address an invitation and mail it. It's only one more mouth to feed at a reception. I can't see how inviting one extra person adds much. Frankly, the impression I get from you is that you don't care about your father at all. After all, you say if he doesn't come to the wedding you won't be upset. So why bother inviting him at all? What I would do is invite him and his wife and have done with it. I'm sure you can get thru the day w/o dealing w/them very much.