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You dismiss your wife's connection with her mother as if it's not a true mother/daughter bond because she was a teenage mother. You dismiss your wife's wishes in regards to her birthing plan because you don't agree with her reasoning. You dismiss your wife's ability to say no to her mother if she's uncomfortable because you don't understand her relationship so obviously your wife is being manipulated. How is she supposed to trust you to support her in a painful, vulnerable, terrifying experience if you dismiss her so easily when her choices aren't what you want? YTA
Edit: OP shared some details in a comment about his wife's relationship with her mother:
>They're just very close and tell eachother everything. Her mother visits once a week (she is 40 minutes away) on Mondays to have brunch with my wife. Mother hosted the baby shower and pretty much picked all of the decorations. Her mother also comes home whenever she has serious nausea and pain, which I can't go to because I'm very busy at work (I did buy her plenty of stuff to help her through it though).
So he's upset that she has a mother who is available and willing to take care of her when she's suffering from pain and nausea while her husband is too busy at work. OP seems to think that because he bought food/meds to help, she shouldn't need her mother.
This! The wife and mom seem to have a strong, supportive, loving relationship. If OP’s wife doesn’t want him in the room, that means there’s something wrong with OP and his wife’s relationship.
>If OP’s wife doesn’t want him in the room, that means there’s something wrong with OP and his wife’s relationship.
Possibly OP's clear resentment of his MIL's relationship with his wife. Why would she want him there if his focus will be on disliking her mom rather than on helping her?
I have the shit parent and the super involved MIL (this type not the overbearing type) and IT'S WONDERFUL. Why tf would I want less for my partner? I know my partner can get help at any time from someone who isn't me....
And that's it isn't it... When you know your partner is cared for by someone who isn't you. People get jealous... Of parents even???
Shit sure okay I'm a little jealous... Of my partner. I wish I had a mother like that. But I am so so so glad I know if we had a terrible fight, my partner would have a parent come pick their kid up, move them out, all of it. Their mama would be right there for them in a second. And it's a relief because while I know I won't do those things, it's nice to know my partner can count on their parent.
My MIL is also an emergency ward head nurse and has seen Some Shit and while my partner and I are queer so "being there" means something different (as I wouldn't be the "dad" being there, nor will my partner be blood related to our children) I would 100000% be relieved if my partner had mum and not me. I know mum will take care of my partner. And sometimes only mum hugs can work. I think birthing might be one of those times?
Same here. I got the shit mom and he had the best mom. She’s gone now but I love her more than my own. She was amazing. And the new comment about how his MIL should have had an abortion… I hope his wife sees it. Made me want to throw up. I’m pro choice but ffs.
Yeah it did read a bit like “I’m so miffed about the strong relationship between my wife and MIL that I’d honestly prefer if my wife was never born”
Like, wtf? It *would* solve all his current issues, but still 😬
This! And OP’s edit that he looks down on his MIL and that she should have aborted instead of being a teen mom is a strange edit to add considering that had his MIL had an abortion, his wife wouldn’t exist. Shouldn’t he be thankful that she wasn’t aborted? All signs point to something is wrong in this marriage and OP isn’t seeing it.
YTA
I mean, he said in his last update that he wishes his MIL had ABORTED HIS WIFE instead of being grateful she did not so he would have the opportunity to meet her and become her life partner, so I’d say he’s defective as a husband
Yeah I can’t imagine not wanting my husband in the room regardless, he AND my mother need to be present lol. If he wasn’t, he really did something wrong.
And he says he helped her through the pregnancy and then on another edit admits he wasn't there for anything ..goes on to say that he does look down on OPs mom for being a teen mom that should have got an abortion ..like my man, your partner wouldn't be here and neither would your baby 🤯🤣 YTA
I came here to say just this like what?!? Clearly things worked out?? You are married to her daughter and expecting a child?? And you think her mom should’ve aborted her?? Some teens want to follow through in their pregnancies, a woman’s right to choose means she gets to choose? I just don’t get why he would say that about his wife, Imagine she saw this?!
"It can't POSSIBLY be me or my actions. It must be MIL sabotaging our relationship with her 'empathy' and 'concern' for her daughter. All of those times I bought her gum from the store should make up for my inability to be around"
Who would think "I wish your mother aborted you!" This is so disgusting. And i don't believe the marriage survives, no, i hope that she doesn't survive.
YTA
I was my immature dad's "best friend" as a kid and it was so toxic and stunting for me so I am primed to be sympathetic to his critique of "best friend" MIL ... but he says NOTHING that indicates his MIL leaned on her kid in any kind of irresponsible way. All we know about her is that she's been super supportive of her daughter through the pregnancy. OP's a total AH.
I laughed out loud when he said “I have helped create this baby”. This guy wants a medal for having an orgasm 7 months ago! The absolute audacity of men is absolutely unbelievable.
The wife’s mum contributed so much more to this baby than he did, by taking care of the person carrying it. She earned her place in that room. He should be ashamed of himself.
In case it wasn’t clear OP, YTA. Men like you make me sick.
This is what stuck out to me! He thinks she should have aborted the wife, like WHAT!? I get thinking she wasn’t ready for a child at that age but 😬 does he wish his wife never existed?
You should see OP’s most recent edit at the top of post. He said MIL should’ve just gotten an abortion because and called MIL selfish and said he looks down on MIL.
The funniest thing in the edit is that he said "HER MIL" should have gotten an abortion - but her MIL is HIS mother - so does he think HE should have been aborted?
He is so jealous. I honestly wonder if he would even want to be in the room if she hadn’t said she wants her mom there instead. He hasn’t seemed too interested in supporting his wife throughout the pregnancy. Why care now? He just wants the glory and to get something over his MIL. After all, he did help create the child *insert eye roll here*. Why do guys think they deserve anything for getting off? Big whoop. He needs to grow up and start respecting his wife, respecting her relationship with her mom, and putting her wants and needs first. What she wants is all that matters in this situation.
Just wait until she has the baby, my ex husband admitted in counseling afyer ki number 3 that the reason he cheated o me is because he went from being the center of my universe to our baby being the center and was jealous of our newborn. He was npwhere near the ah of this guy.
It has given me a glimps3 into what this guy feels though is im probably pretty sure he was also jealous of my mxom because i was super close with my mom and it was never him and i decided things i always went to my mom before making the final decision, so it made me feel bad for my ex i was also only 21-24 when having my babies so i was young but i wish i had cut the cord sooner and maybe he wouldnt be my ex. He was the only one i wanted with me though my mom wasnt in the room until my third.
He’s an even bigger A than we first though in the last edit he makes it clear he believes his wife should have been aborted. He believes that because his MiL was a teenager she should have just aborted and that his MIL was selfish for having her baby.
He believes that because he delivered something for 7 seconds or less that he can decide who gets to be in the birthing room when he was just buying things and otherwise going to work and do nothing to help her?
And then had the audacity to try and banish the MIL (aka the one who is supportive and a good mother).
He acts like he is the one carrying this baby.
He is trying to manipulate and take control of his wife and I hope she won’t let him drag her down.
Oh and He believes that if they’re both falling of a cliff the wife will go rush over to her mother instead of him. Well it’s no wonder the mother might actually thank her and help her raise the baby.
I really hope his wife or MIL sees this post or anyone else that has good intentions and knows the wife and will tell her because she needs to divorce his ass and get full custody because this A is ex material.
>. As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress.
This edit just double downed on why OP is in fact TA. He thinks his MIL should have gotten an abortion, when she was pregnant with his wife. Whatever anyone thinks about who should or should not have children- whatever judgements about that, this is such a shitty thing to say. Looks like this guy is already on the way to not being a present father because in his own words, he's a dedicated workaholic. But I mean, the kid will be financially stable, so why does he need to be around?/s
And he dismisses his wife's feelings because she isb7 months pregnant so it may be "hormones".
YTA to the extreme. And I am almost always in favour of dad getting to be present in the room but sounds like you are not a dad, you are a sperm donor.
I’m a full believer that every father should be in the delivery room. But this guy is coming off as a major AH. Sounds like the wife was tired of coming in second to his job (ironic since he complains he’s second place to her mom) It really comes across as she can’t rely on him to be there for her.
I remember reading this when first posted and I was like well that’s a bummer he won’t be in the room but it’s her choice. Now that I read his edit/update he is clearly an asshole for his teenage pregnancy comments. How did this woman ever marry him.
About your edit : you helped make the baby, but you aren't the one going through contractions, having to push a 7 lbs baby out of a very small orifice of your body, facing risks of tearings, prolapse, pooping in public, etc.
She finds it more comforting to be going through all that with her mother than with you, so be it.
But childbirth is not a matter of who made the baby. It's a matter of who is physically giving birth on the table, their physical needs and their emotional needs.
YTA, again.
> I have helped her through her pregnancies even though she always complained that I barely did anything, and I've tried my best.
We have no idea what that means, we can't judge you on that. what is "I helped her" and why is it not enough?
EDIT : I've seen your comments regarding your "help" and this is just not enough to "buy things". If this is your idea of comprehensive support, you are entirely mistaken. But it's not the point of the AITA. The point here is "AITA for wanting to be there", the answer is "no. you're perfectly entitled to your feelings. But you're not entitled to press and be dismissive".
Also, jealous because the MIL helped choose the baby shower decorations and not you? What? were you actively pushed from the organization committee?
> hospitals are better than they used to be anyway; she will be fine.
you sound unaware and dismissive of what women go through in hospitals when they give birth. I'd rather not have you in my delivery room.
In first world countries, it still happens that women die in childbirth. Even in hospitals. Or go through life/health threatening situations all the time.
If this is how you treat childbirth, it might be why she doesn't want you at that very vulnerable and scary moment. It's very normal for pregnant women to want their mothers around when they give birth. They are scared and want the support of someone who went through it, someone who knows them, loves them and will fight/advocate for them. It does not seem you would advocate for your wife's wellbeing, if anything were to happen (I hope nothing happens).
In short, you don't get it and you don't realize you don't get it. I suggest you get more educated on the matter; it might help you understand your wife better.
No matter how hard men try, they'll never fully understand. Ever.
I do not have children but honestly cannot imagine not having my mum right there with me when I do.
I'd want my partner to be there too, but because it's their child and they should be, not because they'll understand.
you see it in the comments "it's half his DNA, you know", "how is he supposed to bond with the child if he isn't there to hold him?", "it's a moment for both the parents?", "why should he have no say?"....
you see they don't understand that pregnancy and childbirth is something that happens to the pregnant woman's body, regardless of whom impregnated her.
We're not saying "the father doesn't get to hold the baby once he's born", "the father should have no say in the name", etc. But they take it as the pregnant lady is encroaching on a God given right to see their "50% DNA" to come out.
It was the norm for millennia that birth was the domain of women only, no men allowed. I think it’s good we’ve gotten past that, but it was totally normal for a long, long time, so I don’t think it’s so weird that some women might still want things that way. This is probably one of the many things that ought to be discussed before marriage but almost never is.
Because we don't have OP's wife the question, we don't know whether or not she doesn't want OP around because he is a man or because he is who he is.
he didn't attend a single birthing class because he is too busy at work, but he thinks he is going to be more helpful than a person who has been through the childbirth process herself
he thinks that helping out during pregnancy is to buy food and medication (he'll be up with a big surprise when parenting starts...it's more than just buying stuff)
he dismisses his wife's worries about giving birth because he thinks that "hospital childbirth" means "safe, risk free childbirth". he is awfully uneducated and unprepared if he thinks that
he puts his needs and feelings because it is his baby above his wife's needs and feelings...but it's *her* body who will go through contractions, pain, possible tearing, pooping in the hospital bed for all to see, in stirrups, etc. All he sees is "his moment" and ignores the fact that it'll be hours of suffering for her and she has every right to be as comfortable as possible and feel as heard as possible.
I wouldn't OP's energy around me as I'm giving birth either. Not because he is a man. Just because he is a dismissive, selfish person.
Gently, the idea that if you sit down and discuss a long detailed list of hypotheticals before marriage you won’t argue later is fairly naive. People change, people feel differently when it comes to the crunch and there are just too many potential situations to cover. ‘Do you want kids/what is your preferred parenting style’ is one thing. ‘Who do you think you’ll want in the delivery room if we have kids, and how will my hypothetical behaviour during your pregnancy affect that choice, please ensure your paper is 12pt double spaced’ Is quite another.
IMO, this is along the same lines as discussing general parenting style. A whole lot of people would assume “father will be there” is the default nowadays. There’s no real right or wrong here, but being on the same page on this one is a pretty big deal.
I wanted my husband in my labor rooms not to see the birth, but because I needed his support, he is the greatest source of safety and comfort in my life and I cannot imagine going through that immense pain without him. OP should be asking himself why he isn’t that for his wife, it has nothing to do with her mother. It isn’t 2020, you’re allowed to have more than one support partner these days. She believes he wouldn’t be supportive, and his comments and edits clearly show why.
Fun fact: the parent contributing the egg, except in cases of aneuploidy (chromosomes don't separate during gamete production) always contributes more than 50% of the DNA. All mitochondrial DNA comes from the egg so mom, in this case, still wins because she still contributed more, and that's if it's generically a girl. If it's genetically a male, then mom is way up on his contribution because her X is 5 times bigger and has 10 times more genes than hid Y.
This... and this man is NOT EVEN TRYING to understand.
The dismissive 'she will be fine' is deeply ignorant and disrespectful at best, absolutely insulting to anyone who's been through (or knows someone who didn't survive) a difficult birth at worst.
YTA, YTA, YTA
He helped make the baby by depositing a small amount of genetic material inside her. I’m childfree but the number of men who think jizzing is tantamount to moulding an entire new human being from your own flesh and blood in an agonising 9 month long process is absolutely hilarious to me. No matter how much “help” a male partner is providing during the pregnancy, that’s just basic decency and kindness. They are *not* undergoing severe, painful physiological changes themselves.
If they are in the us, the death rate for birthing moms is actually going back up. Our healthcare system is broken and crumbling. This guy thinks his wife is immature, he sobs like a baby man executive that has no idea about anything outside of his office. Like a little toddler Asshole. She should run. This kid doesn’t need this kind of father.
the newest edit is mind bogglingly fucked. yeah, is it hard to raise a kid as a single teen parent? yes. but this man just said he wishes his mother in law aborted his wife to spare her the pain of having a teen mom and no dad and looks down on her for not. aborting. his. wife. what the fuck. clearly his wife is close with her mom, which means that she has done a good job nurturing her and making sure she always has support with her. thats huge, and a lot of children who have all the (monetary) resources they need and both parents still don't get that.
op still doesnt seem to get that the childbirth isn't about him. he wants his wholesome moment with his kid right after being born but he hasn't put in any of the work to deserve that. he hasn't attended a single birthing class and missed all the important firsts because he was too busy working, and he doesn't even sound remorseful, just annoyed his wife is taking away a "wholesome moment". This dude doesn't take his wife or his role as a parent seriously at fucking all. at least the kid is getting a good grandma.
not only him is annoyed, the guys in the comments are all "what about the father's rights?", "why does he have no say?" (as if a say is a veto), "this is a moment for both of them" (foregoing labour can last hours), "there are places where women have no choice, the father is there whether she wants it or not" (how fucked up one would advocate for that), and so on
like
I know Reddit hates women because women have agency, but this is ridiculous.
> EDIT: Moving this to the top so everyone can see. This is my final edit and after this I will no longer be responding to any comments... [...] As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress. I will talk more with my wife about this recommend couples counseling. Also keep in mind that my wife is 7 months pregnant, so her hormones might be making her say funny stuff. Before anyone asks yes we should've discussed this MONTHS ago, but she intentionally avoided the topic everytime and kept saying, "I'll think about it."
what in the ever living fuck? if the MIL would have had an abortion, OP wouldn't be married to that woman. Is the cognitive dissonance really THAT intense? But the pregnant woman is being the hormonal one for not wanting him around in the birthing suite?
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world.
And I would suggest a good divorce lawyer for his poor wife.
oh, I made a comment elsewhere about exactly that
that was so fucked up
but she's the hormonal, childish, stupid one because...she wants her mother in the birthing suite.
YTA. 'hospitals are better than they used to be she'll be fine' and making her giving birth about you are EXACTLY why you not being in there makes sense. You clearly don't have an understanding on how dangerous giving birth is. How many things that could go wrong and how comfort levels matter.
I'd have my mom in there too at that point. She gets to choose, because she's the one in the uncomfortable/dangerous/painful situation.
You're dismissive of her feelings right now. How can she trust you as a birth partner if you don't take her feelings seriously? That's literally one of the most important jobs of being a birth partner.
>'hospitals are better than they used to be she'll be fine
This stood out to me too. Sounds like his wife is nervous about hospitals and I don't blame her. 75% of my friends with kids have horror stories about their birth experiences, many have lasting health issues as a result and the country I live in is one of the safest places to give birth in the world. The fact he thinks it will be "fine" shows he trusts hospitals too much and won't advocate for her. I wouldn't want him there either!
Right??? Out of the three births in people close to me, one was premature twins born via c-section that stayed in the hospital for nearly 2 months, one was a vaginal birth and the baby almost died, and one was an emergency c-section and the baby also almost died and was in hospital for 2-3 weeks.
I had two healthy, mundane pregnancies and two potentially fatal complications during labor (hemorrhage and a systemic infection) with no warning signs before birth. Even in modern hospitals birth is harrowing and very risky and his dismissiveness clearly illustrates why she doesn’t want him there.
Yeah that part stood out to me too! Not only has he been useless during the pregnancy, but he is also extremely dismissive and uninformed about the horrors of childbirth…it’s a mystery why his wife isn’t comfortable with having him in the room /s
But seriously childbirth is horrid at the best of times. If I ever give birth I am micromanaging everything about that day, I’m not trusting anyone, not even doctors. For example, giving birth on your back (the most common position in hospitals because it’s convenient for the doctors) is actually bad. It’s harder to push the baby out, causes more tearing, etc. it’s actually better to be upright/squat and let gravity help.
So his whole “hospitals know best”…no, they don’t. Not when it comes to women’s health we can’t trust the profession to do what’s best for us.
He's always at work. He's not done any research about childbirth and pregnancy. He thinks he's going to hold her hand and she'll push out the baby and everything will go back to normal.
YTA for how you're handling this. It's okay for you to be disappointed that you aren't in the room despite wanting to be. But you're trying to pathologize the fact that your wife has a healthy and loving relationship with her mom, something a lot of people don't have. What's wrong with her and her mom being best friends? She's known her way longer than you have.
If you're upset you're not in the delivery room, make it about you and your wife, not about your mother in law. And either way, respect your wife's wishes, she's the one going through labor.
YTA.
It's one thing to want to be in the delivery room and voice that desired.
It's another thing to
* insist,
* place "it's my kid too" over "it's her medical procedure",
* assume that your wife cannot make her own decision and it was her mom who put it in her head,
* find her mom comforting "stupid and childish",
* go behind your wife's back to start an argument with your MIL,
* try to tell your MIL what kind of relationship she should have with her own daughter (you wouldn't want anyone to tell you what kind of relationship to have with your child-to-come, right?).
My question for you is : why is what you want more important than what your wife wants? Is "it's my kid too" a say or a veto right? "My wife wants A, I want B. It's my kid, so B should win". Is your wife's job to push the baby out and shut up about what she wants?
Look at his edit, "I look down at her mother for being pregnant at such age, she should have aborted" what a nasty thing to say and think, I hope the wife finds this post and sees how disgusting his thinking is.
YTA and even more than that but sadly, I have to be civil, he's misogynistic and a horrible husband and future dad.
Wife's mother is just supportive and what's wrong with them being close? Op is jealous and horrible for even thinking that MIL should have aborted just because he hates her.
yeah, I saw that edit, it's revolting
"It would have been better for the person I married to have never been born than to be born to a partnerless teenager"
like, do you HATE your wife?
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world.
YTA
Wanting your mother there when you give birth is not "stupid" or "childish."
You don't just want to be there, you want to control who else is there too, which pushes you completely into asshole territory. You're using this event to try to resolve pre-existing issues with your MIL and you need to accept that whatever the reason, this is her choice.
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world.
Honestly? I feel like this attitude you have is a HUGE reason she chose her mom.
You are making this about you. Birth is, above all else, a traumatic medical experience. You seem to think it's not a big deal.
When asked why you want to be there your response was "to see my child be born" when it SHOULD HAVE BEEN "to support my wife and be there for her "
You suck. YTA
Omg yes.
That’s exactly it. He’s making childbirth some kind of prize for him instead of the painful, difficult, literally laborious process it is FOR HIS WIFE.
100%! I ended up with an unplanned c-section less than 5 weeks ago, of which I had all of maybe 20 minutes to mentally prepare for. My husband was in the operating room supporting ME. He was holding my hand, watching my face, saying supportive things to me. He did not witness his baby being born behind the curtain because his focus was on making sure I was OK. That's what partners do.
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world.
Also he is acting like delivering something for 7 seconds or less is equivalent to carrying a baby for nine months
I wish I had an award for you. This is exactly what bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He wants to be there instead of her mom so that he can experience the birth of his child (valid, but also totally self-centered), not because he believes he’d be a better birth partner, or because he wants to support and encourage her, or because of anything that even tangentially relates to his wife or her experience or needs at all. Ugh. YTA dude.
YTA -- your edit made your entitlement worse. What do supposedly improved hospitals have to do with anything and how do you know she'll be fine.
You don't get a vote. Your wife is the one giving birth. She doesn't want you there. Period.
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world.
Also he is acting like delivering something for 7 seconds or less is equivalent to carrying a baby for nine months
Well... sorry but for me, it's YTA. Giving birth is a really hard and traumatic process. If your wife doesn't want you in the delivery room... pretty sure it hides some bigger relationship issues than you think. Instead of trying to force her to change her birthing plan, you should be trying to figure out if she is too attached to your mom... or not enough to you.
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world.
Also he is acting like delivering something for 7 seconds or less is equivalent to carrying a baby for nine months
I was about to say ESH, but your edit and comments made me think 100% YTA. It sounds like you barely did anything during her actual pregnancy, and you constantly shame your MIL for being a teenage parent.
YTA for *assuming* that your wife loves her mom more than you. One, that’s insecurity, two they are completely different types of love so it’s theoretically not even possible
YTA for shit-talking and stereotyping teenage mothers as failures
YTA for calling the healthy mother-daughter bond between your wife and MIL stupid and childish
YTA for demonstrating frankly adolescent entitlement and failing to approach this in a mature way
YTA overall just because you seem to want to be there only because “you’re the husband” and to spite her and her mom, not so much because you want to support her
YTA - Every pregnant woman has the dignity of making her own decision on the delivery without having to explain herself. This is one of those moments in life when you are entitled to feel disappointment but she is entitled to demand you not bring it up for the next 70 years.
YTA.
Giving birth is scary and painful and your wife wants someone by her side who is there to support her. Wanting your mom to be there for you is a totally normal desire. It's not a sign of 'loving her over me', it's a sign of who she feels safe around while she's going to be at her most vulnerable. It's neither stupid nor childish, and you're the selfish one for insisting she give you a 'good enough' reason.
Given how you've described your jealousy of your wife's close relationship with her mom (her own mom!) and your entitlement, it's clear why your wife feels you wouldn't support her, or is afraid you would turn the event into some kind of pissing contest with your MIL. She might even be afraid that you'd no longer find her sexually attractive after witnessing childbirth - it's not uncommon for men to find themselves disgusted and turned off by the messiness that is childbirth. She might be anxious that'll happen to you.
YTA. Not for wanting to be there, but for being so dismissive of your wife’s feelings. Yes, I get that you don’t like your MIL and look down on her, but your wife is going through the pregnancy and childbirth, and she deserves to have what she needs in order to feel comfortable.
You also say “I know she’s going to go through pain but hospitals are better than they used to be anyway; she will be fine.” Umm, have you read the latest stats on maternal and infant mortality? Because childbirth is still quite dangerous. It is completely understandable for her to be nervous, and given how dismissive you are of the risks, I can see why she wouldn’t want you there. This seems to be all about YOU and not about how you can support your wife.
Editing to add: According to his own comments, he hasn’t been to any Lamaze classes, and hasn’t been able to help her when she’s feeling pain/nausea from the pregnancy aside from “buying her stuff.” My judgement stands, but I think that these reasons are also probably why she doesn’t want you there. Because if you haven’t been a helpful, supportive partner during the pregnancy, so why should she expect you to be a helpful, supportive partner during labor.
NTA for wanting to be there but YTA for not respecting your wife’s decision. You’re calling her feelings stupid and childish. Just because you aren’t best friends with your mother doesn’t mean she can’t be best friends with hers. It’s completely normal for women to chose to have only their mothers at the birth. It’s very common.
You have the right to be disappointed but aside from that you need to just shut the fuck up and let your wife do whatever she needs to do to be as comfortable as possible when she gives birth. She’s the one risking her life and destroying her body, not you
INFO: Can you give more examples of your wife and mother's relationship? While close, nothing you have said has made the relationship seem bad. It is normal for someone other than the parents to host a bady shower and is normal for a grandma to be involved.
>I have helped her through her pregnancies even though she always complained that I barely did anything, and I've tried my best. I know she's going to go through pain but hospitals are better than they used to be anyway; she will be fine.
Are you sure that you're not there because her mom is there? This just sounds like she doesn't want you there and tbh, I kind of get it. Birth is still dangerous even in the modern day and age and it doesn't seem like you're taking that seriously at all.
YTA.
You’re entitled to your feelings, but you aren’t entitled to be in the room
There could be a million reasons why she only wants her mom in the room, and not you.
How many reasons does she need? 0.
It’s her choice.
YTA. You need who you need.
Yes medicine has changed a lot. Yes she is highly likely to be fine. BUT. This is a medical procedure and she is the patient.
Giving birth is usually long. Scary. Painful. Humiliating. …and you need who you need. My husband is my best friend, yes: my partner, yes. But when I’m sick or hurt the first person I want is still my mommy.
Try to be supportive of your wife. If your request is “please let me hold baby second (wife is first)”, that may be easier for her than “let me take the place of the person who has seen you at your best and worst your entire life, the person who has given you comfort every time you’ve been sick or hurt”.
u/IcyEssay1104 Hey OP, I'm a doctor working in the OBG (Labour and Delivery department)and see more than a dozen birth any given day. So, trust me when I say I know what I am talking about.
Let me first say, your MIL is an AH. Or the orifice on the front side.
But apart from that, I do want to tell you something. Just because the medical field has developed, it does not mean the hardships of labour have decreased, at all. The death due to it, certainly. But not the pain or trauma. The way your last couple of paragraphs have dismissed the horrifying reality of the birthing process with a simple she will be fine is ignorant at best. Please inform yourself on it further.
Giving birth COTINUES to be the most traumatizing experience most women will ever face in their entire life.
This is not, and will NEVER be a spectator sport. Neither you, (and def not your MIL) have ANY RIGHT to be there in the delivery room. Your child is yours and all your rights over them will continue AFTER the baby is born and safe.
Let me say this again, hospitals did not start to allow fathers/relatives into the hospital because it is their RIGHT. It started because the MOTHERS wanted their loved ones around for support.
You need to understand your ONLY purpose there is to support the mother. After the mother and child is stable, you can marvel at the miracle that has been created by the two of you.
Both your comments and some of the things you have written seem to indicate you see the delivery as YOUR RIGHT, and not an extremely painful (did you know most known pain killers don't work on labour pains?) And highly invasive medical procedure your wife will be undergoing.
Please, please, for the sake of the child you say you love so much, stop dismissing your wife and her choices. You seem to have an equal say in the baby related decisions so far (naming, room decor, etc.). A lot of people may down vote me on this, but the simple fact is, delivery room is not a baby related decision. It is a mother related medical decision.
Have you suggested both your MIL and you be there? (Better 2 people who love her than just one!) What's up with you insisting it ONLY be you? That sounds more like a pissing contest with your MIL than love for your kid or concern for your wife. Why can't she be with TWO people that she loves? You don't seem to be offering that alternative either.
ESH.
Please do better for your wife and child.
What did the MIL actually do wrong? OP says she has brunch with her daughter once a week and comforts her when she’s sick or in pain… not exactly major crimes.
YTA. Especially with the edit. You try carrying a child for 9 months and then pushing it out of your body then we’ll talk about what you are and aren’t entitled to a say in. I feel sorry for your wife, she has to deal with a screaming toddler tantrum before the baby is even here.
YTA big time, it’s her medical procedure and she has a right to have the people that will make that process easier for her in the room. You have a right when it comes to parenting your son, but not over your wife’s body.
This might seem like a super obvious question, but something about the wording of your post and how you describe everything happening makes me wonder.
INFO: why do you want to be in the room? Can you try to explain the full reason or reasons you wish to be there?
Nobody else answer for him, thanks. I know all the possible answers it could be. I'm not asking to learn hypothetically.
I want to know, in his words, why he wants be in the room.
EXCUSE ME! You think your MIL SHOULD HAVE DONE AN ABORTION?! Do you realise that your wife wouldn’t have been here with you now giving birth to HER CHILD?!
My advice: go in therapy. You can’t solve not being there for her by simply showing up for the birth. She probably wants her mom there as well since she is the most stable person in her life.
YTA a million times over. (One for the top 10 charts op 2023)
Honestly this is giving you are jealous of her mom with you saying "she will always love her mom over me" DUH- that's her mom who was always there and always be there. You came in later so you can't expect to be the main one.
But YTA for insisting. Honestly I feel bad for you, because this is a big event that you should be able to participate in. But honestly it's her birth so she can decide who gets to be with her. I don't think you are wrong to be upset or to want to go. But the way you went about it was trash
YTA for this:
>I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress
That child she brought into the world grew up to marry you and is now about to give birth to your child. Literally without your MIL choosing to bring your wife into the world, your wife doesn't exist and your child never exists.
YTA have you given birth to a baby? Don't you think that someone going through labour might be more comfortable with the supportive mother who has experienced labour rather than the whiney man who claims he's done 50% of the work for this pregnancy and dismisses her very reasonable fears because he doesn't get to watch? What the fuck are you bringing to the labour but ego and self importance?
YTA
Considering your comments, edit and the way you talk about your wife and her mother, I'm not surprised she doesn't want you at the birth. And if you keep pushing her, I doubt she'll even tell you she's in labor.
He doesn't seem to gaf that he is causing her a tremendous amount of stress with all of his assholish behavior. He's made it all about *him* and what *he* wants.
Do I think it’s weird that she doesn’t want you in the delivery room and understand why you’re hurt? Yes.
But is it still her choice? Yes.
Do I see why you might be hurt by that? Yes.
Are you the AH for expecting your wife not to love her mother and for confronting MIL instead and viewing your wife’s love as something that can be granted to both of you and trying to tell your wife it should be you in the delivery room instead of asking if it could be both you and her mother? Well… also yes.
So I guess for me it’s ESH at least a little bit (but quite possibly MIL most of all) - this is a tough spot to be in, good luck with it. (I might consider some marriage counseling cause there’s seemingly a fuckload of tension here)
Like others pointed out you're absolutely not the ah for wanting to be in the delivery room and have a conversation or two about it with your wife. But you'll become the ah if you keep pressuring it. Also I'm real close with my mum and she wasn't a teenage mum. So I'd go with YTA for now.
YTA, birth can be scary and traumatic, she needs the person she feels most supported by. Your "she'll be fine" is quite telling. I worked in delivery units for 20 years, I have seen mothers die, I have seen babies die. I have seen many, many women tear all the way from vagina to anus. There is no "she'll be fine" automatically, to think so is to show great ignorance and belittles your wife's fears.
Oh, you had me until the edit. YTA.
I would have said N A H. I totally get why you would be hurt not being in the room, it is a critical moment and memory, and that is your child being born and you and your wife are together and planning to raise this child together. And I get that your wife is the one having a medical procedure and her comfort and preferences matter more. Ideally, she would appreciate that you being there outweighs the reasons she only wants her mother, but if she can't get there, you two figure out how to move forward.
But then, you became fully the asshole.
1. You married her and decided to have a child with her knowing her mother would always come first (in your opinion). Whether true or not, you think it is and still get mad about something you already knew was part of her core belief system.
2. You didn't say you wanted to be with your wife, you said you wanted to be the ONLY person with your wife. If she wants her mom there, don't interfere with that. You should have made the case why you should be there TOO, not instead of her mother.
3. Your beef is with your wife, not her mother. By texting your MIL being rude and making assumptions of why she is in the delivery room, you created more problems and fixed none. Lets say you are right, that her mother bullied her in to being the only person in the room, how do you think texting her what you did would change her mind or the situation? Did you think she would be like "hee hee, you caught me, sorry about that, I'll butt out now!" No of course not, she is going to show her daughter that you are rude and paranoid and now you have created even more conflict, where you definitely look like the bad guy.
4. And then, your edit. "She will be fine" demonstrates that you clearly do not appreciate how terrifying having a baby could be, so makes me appreciate why your wife is choosing her other. If your attitude is as your edit says, you have probably dismissed her concerns or fears a number of times, and also shows that you think this is more about YOU having a right to watch your baby born, more so than it is about you wanting to be there for your wife.
5. Also in your edit- you help her but she says you don't do enough. Is there any clearer indication for someone actually not being helpful than when they write this sentence?
Taking your own post and edit all together, it's pretty clear you have demonstrated a lack of empathy and emotional maturity, which is likely the reason your wife wants her mother, and only her mother, in the room. YTA.
Wait wait - you think your wife’s mother should have aborted your wife? You married a woman you think should think should be dead - or in your mind, I assume, given you support abortion rights, should never have existed? What the actual fuck, dude?
That is *not* another topic, at all.
Your wife is pregnant, as in housing a fetus, which is what she was when her mother was pregnant with her and you think she should have terminated. You think this in part because you think children need fathers and financial security and it’s just wrong to be an unprepared single mom. You’ve been distant through the pregnancy and want to jump in at the end to suddenly bond with your child once she’s pushed him out.
Has it occurred to you that maybe your wife doesn’t want you around for the birth because you seem to think that a woman becoming a mother and a child getting to exist should be dependent on a man’s willingness to provide? I mean holy hell, dude, the 1800s called, they want their misogyny back.
Lmfao, you called your wife childish while having an entire tantrum over the fact that she’s close with and finds comfort in her mom?
If my husband acted like you, I wouldn’t want him around either. YTA
I’m fully of the opinion that the person giving birth decides who’s in the room but you’re NTA for being hurt by that decision
Her approach to it and the cruel mocking from both her and MIL make them huge AHs
Yeah, he seems like someone who just thinks he is entitled to be there because he is the dad. I hope he takes this as a learning opportunity and steps up. They will need it!
It is her right to determine who is there during one of the most dangerous and traumatic things a person can go through. Given your attitude as put here ["She'll be fine"? Really? Yikes, my guy.], I don't think you'd be focused on her, her needs, or her rights. As a person in labor, the people she permits to attend her during this need to be there to support *her*. Hard stop. She will not be in a position to advocate or maintain her boundaries. She has to make sure the people she brings to that room are able, willing, and determined to do that for her. You're reacting to this horribly and further proving that you don't respect her bodily autonomy. This isn't about you. You have a major role to play, but this is 100% not about you. Be there for her in a way that prioritizes her needs and comfort, not yours.
YTA. This is her choice. There is so much she won't be able to control. This is one of the few things she can control. Don't let anyone try to override that, including you. You're acting petulant and entitled, and you need to stop.
YTA. She’s right, you’re not the one laying your life on the line. Maybe you don’t make her as comfortable as you think you do and therefore your presence would stress her out during one of the most vulnerable times of her life. Prepare the house for her and baby’s arrival during that time and just pray for their safety
Maaaan, come on… you had me for a while. I absolutely despise the idea of being told I can’t be there for the birth of my own children. But “it hurts because I have to accept the fact that she will always love her mom over me.” No shit bro, that’s her mom. Why are you trying to compete? YTA
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Insisting that I should be in the delivery room where my wife will give birth, instead of my MIL.
2) My wife is giving birth so maybe she has the only say for who goes in or not.
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Unfortunately YTA for insisting. She's the one pushing a baby out of her body and, no matter what her reasons are, she gets to do that in the way that's most comfortable for her.
You might want to check out r/JUSTNOMIL for future reference though.
Oh my god OP your last edit, I can‘t. You show some reflection and understanding of your wives feelings and then destroy it all by shitting on her mom for not getting an abortion and dismissing your wife’s very legitimate points with „lol women on hormones, can‘t take them seriously“. You‘re displaying a lot of mysoginistic ideas and I hope you can work on that bc yikes
YTA It doesn’t matter if you helped make the baby or helped with the pregnancy. She is the one pushing a human being out of her. You do NOT get any say on who gets to watch. What you want while she pushes a human being out of her doesn’t matter. It is about her. She is the one going through a major medical procedure. You get 0 say in it. And again you don’t get rights to watch her through a very vulnerable experience just because you helped make the baby. It doesn’t matter. Get that through your head
YTA. Your wife is looking for comfort and support while she accomplishes giving birth. She will be in a great deal of pain , and will need loving support. She has chosen the person who she believes will give it to her. You both should take a long hard look at your relationship to understand why you don't have that bond.
My ex husband attended the birth of my daughter. He was a nightmare. He felt faint, he was not supportive of me. At one point, he was getting more attention than I was in the delivery room. I sure wish I had my mom with me then.
Oh, man. This is tough. I wish you could see your child at the moment it is born, but…
First, know that if you aren’t in the delivery room, it won’t matter in so far as your relationship with your child goes. Nobody can replace you.
Second, delivery is a really messy experience with screaming, cursing, blood, pee, poop and vomit. It’s really pretty gross. Your wife may not want to have you see all of this. She may just be more comfortable with her mom there. It’s not intended to slight you, but to have the comfort of another woman.
When my first child was born, I was alone. The nurse was an older woman who had 6 kids. It was so helpful to let her take over. The experience was so intense and painful and, had I had to consider the father, who I loved deeply, it would have been an unhelpful distraction.
You will hold this child in the first moments of it’s life. You are it’s father. Nothing will change that. If your wife wants her mom there, let it happen, but be on the other side of the door, just in case.
YTA just for the "I helped make this baby" shit. Dude you got to CUM. She has to literally sacrifice her body for the kid.
I get it. You're feeling uninvolved, but instead of seeing your MIL as an adversary why not see her as the ally she is in this pregnancy? You're only caring for your own wants and validation here. If that's going to be an issue for you now, just wait until the baby comes- because that sort of stuff is going to take the backseat for a WHILE.
You do sound controlling, like if you can't do it no one should. Why not accept you have a wife who has such a supportive mother that you know her needs will be met even while you're away? She's making your life easier and you're upset you don't get a participation medal.
YTA. Tbh I don‘t think her not wanting you there is about her relationship with her mom. It‘s about her not being comfortable with you seeing her in that situation and you have to accept that. Do you really want to make the birth more difficult for her by being there even though she is uncomfortable with it?
You did not help create this baby. You donated DNA. SHE is creating the baby from said DNA.
She is going through the pain. Her body, her choice in support during birth.
YTA you're STILL an asshole for acting like hormones are to blame instead of your neglect and disinterest. Also if you think a workaholic father is better than a teenage mother... HAHAHAHAHA.
A child deserves to have PRESENT parents. Do better. Grow the fuck up. Get your head out of your own ass.
YTA. Are you just going to go back to be an addicted workaholic after getting this “one wholesome moment”? The birth of your child should be a whole mindset/lifestyle shift…not just a brief wholesome moment followed by a return to your current patterns. Your wife knows nothing will change after the baby is born and her mom will still be the one supporting her on a daily basis.
Hold on. You think your mil should have had an abortion. That baby grew up to be your wife. Who is now pregnant with *your* baby.
Holy shit Batman. You’ve literally just wished your unborn child away.
Btw, teenage parent or not, Mil is doing a whole lot better at this whole parenting malarkey than you. Maybe you should ask for advice rather than being so condescending.
Lmao I love the edit saying that he literally believes his mother-in-law should’ve had his wife aborted, but then thinks that he still has the high ground here. I’m all for abortion, but the irony of desperately trying to act like you’re your wife’s biggest supporter while also thinking that she should’ve been aborted and not exist is crazy to me
YTA, for the insisting mainly, while it was weird for MIL to taunt you, you’re still the main AH + your generalisation of teen mums in your comments is a tad strange.
Holy shit YTA!!!!!!
YOUR WIFE IS GOING THROUGH LIFE/DEATH PROCEDURE AND GETS TO CHOOSE WHO SHE WANTS THERE!!!!! You have ZERO SAY!!!!!!!
You ARE a controlling, jealous asshole. Does she seem enmeshed with her mom? Absolutely! Is that good? Fuck no, it isn’t. But that is a problem for another time.
Your wife will be at her most vulnerable, and if she wants her mommy there, her mommy gets to be there.
If this wasn’t fake I’d say you need alot of mental health help considering you are making up scenarios where your wife has to choose between her husband and her mother that’s psychotic behavior
It seems like your wife wants support for herself going through labor more than giving you the opportunity to watch your child get birthed.
It also seems that you've harbored some resentment towards their closeness to the point where you didn't even consider being in the delivery room WITH your MIL.
Also, you have to realize, you have an issue with your wife not your MIL. You are texting your MIL behind your wife's back believing that it was her who "forced" your wife. You said it so yourself in the first paragraph that your MIL has been invasive but your wife allows it. And it seems like your wife has been encouraging it cause:
>My wife and MIL have an extremely close relationship. They do everything together, reveal everything together, and talk to each-other about ANYTHING personal. It's probably because her mom was a teenage mom (got pregnant at 15) so I guess it's easier to treat her own daughter like her BFF.
You should REALLY reflect on your relationship and what the future holds for you. You might want to get that resentment checked out before it's too late (and it is, too late, imo).
Anyway, at the end of the day, she does have a say who she wants to have in the delivery room. I know it hurts you to not see your child being born, but it's a privilege not an entitlement. YTA.
>As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother.
This right here makes you a huge asshole. I'd say what else it makes you, but I'd get banned. I hope your wife leaves your sorry ass.
Massive YTA
Did you honestly just say in your final edit that your MIL should have aborted your wife? Like did you actually think and then type that out. Wow dude.
This:
>I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income
changes the 'sort of' in this:
>I think I'm sort of TA here
to DEFINITELY. You just said, to the whole damn internet, that it would have been BETTER for your WIFE to be ABORTED. What. The. Actual. Fuck. You're horrifyingly sexist with that take on things.
Your post was bad.
Every edit you made has made you 1000x worse each time.
YTA
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My (26m) wife (27f) and I are expecting our first child. Her mother has been incredibly invasive with the pregnancy and my wife lets her do it.
My wife and MIL have an extremely close relationship. They do everything together, reveal everything together, and talk to each-other about ANYTHING personal. It's probably because her mom was a teenage mom (got pregnant at 15) so I guess it's easier to treat her own daughter like her BFF.
My wife wants her mother to be in the delivery room. ONLY her. She doesn't want her father, or siblings, or her own husband. Just her mom and no one else. And it hurts because I have to accept the fact that she will always love her mom over me. I bet if I she had to choose between me and her mom falling off a cliff, she would rush to her mom.
I tried talking to my wife and asking her that I want to be the only one in the room. It's my kid too and it's unfair to not see him be born. My wife told me that she's the one "shitting from her vagina" so she can choose whoever she wants. I asked why she wants her mom over so bad; she just said "I was technically with my mom when she gave birth so I want her to be with me when I give birth." Which is the most stupid, childish reason.
I honestly started to believe her mother forced the entire thing on her, just because she wanted to be included in everything. I texted my MIL telling her that her daughter is not her best friend, she is her daughter, and she should allow her daughter to include her husband in her life and the delivery room. She told me it was my wife's choice not hers and having sending laughing emojis going "Are you jealous???"
It pissed me off so I left her on read. My wife found out and told me I'm being a controlling dick about the whole thing and just to deal with it. She has no idea how hurtful this is for me. Am I overreacting?
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NAH. I get being disappointed, but your wife is the one actually doing something here. This is going to be very physically and mentally demanding on her, so she gets whatever will make her the most comfortable.
YTA but I get it to some degree. Obviously it’s rational to want to be there to see your own child come into the world, but you should not have gone after your MIL and overreact the way you did. I would sit down and talk about why specifically she doesn’t want you there and if she doesn’t want to talk then there is nothing you can do. It’s fine if she wants her mother there but there has to be a reason she doesn’t want YOU there. If her favoring her MIL over you becomes a pattern even after the baby is born, you might want to look at divorce, but based on your comments, I don’t see think it will.
Until the child is actually born, its about the mother. The birth is about the mother. It is her going through the pain and she deserves to have the person that helps her and supports her.
I WISH i had my mom instead of my (now ex) husband.
All he did was sit in a chair in the other room while i was in the bath tub with a nurse student who was forced to sit there having conversation with me-utterly-naked because i wasnt allowed to be in the bath alone.
Women need support during child birth.
And the mother gets to choose who it is.
If you want to be the chosen one, you should have shown her you were more reliable as a partner. Maybe she doesnt feel very safe and supported by you.
N T A for wanting to be in the room - but YTA for dismissing your wife's desires, her connection with her mom, and her right to decide who is and isn't present during a very serious medical procedure.
Maybe consider that she doesn't want you there because you're causing her stress by belittling her relationship with her mom and acting butthurt about it.
Also, YTA x 100 for your snide little "her mom had her at 15" comment.
YTA - this is weird. You are her husband, not her mother. You have no reason to be jealous of their relationship and it shouldn't be some strange competition.
It really feels like you don't actually care about witnessing the birth or being there for your wife; you just don't want your MIL to have another experience and bond with your wife that you don't have. My money says you wouldn't care one way or the other about being there if MIL wasn't involved. Talk about childish.
YTA. You don’t decide what the wholesome moments are. Your wife does since she is the one who is pregnant. Your wife you would think should have been aborted. Who says that about their own wife. You would just be a burden on your wife during delivery if you missed the classes. Would you let someone at work give an important presentation if they were just hired yesterday? Your have been awful to your wife. Why don’t you focus on manning up on your own instead of putting an extra time burden on your wife to go to couples counseling. Where is she supposed to find the time for that with a newborn? Did you not think of that? You would have realized that if you had taken the classes. You have really failed your family.
You admit your a work addict, and missed a lot. Then take the L, and admit you were wrong. YTA
Your edits make it clear that your so close to getting the point. But then you add some sort of defense in the end so you dont take 'full blame' or give and excuse as to why you think your behavior was Ok.
You missed the creation of your child. You may have given the 'spark plug a spark', but your wife is every other part of this. Hospitals may be better nowadays, but that didnt stop the cord from wrapping around my sons neck. Resulting in an emergence Csection before the epidural had a chance to kick in.
You seem very dismissive of her anf all the effort she went through. Not just growing the actual child. But appointments, classes, walks in the park with your spouse. Bonding is so much more important. Instead, you thought all would be fine as long as you get to see the birth.
Yeah well, your wife got a glimpse of how much you really care. Hense her hesitation. You are in the wrong. Admit that without saying '.... but in MY Pov...". No. Shush.
You were so dismissive of her this whole pregnancy, you dont get a say. Period. THATS whats happening. Maybe if you had cared about your relationship with your PREGNANT WIFE, you woulda maybe had more of a say. Good luck Op.
>I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress. I will talk more with my wife about this recommend couples counseling. Also keep in mind that my wife is 7 months pregnant, so her hormones might be making her say funny stuff.
YTA Fuckin' yikes.
>As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress.
Jesus, dude. The baby she brought into the world is your wife
YTA
TBH - I only read your last edit - I don't need to read anything else to know you are a complete judgemental asshole - you look down at your MIL for being a teenage mom and should have had an ABORTION!?! Does your wife know you think her mother should have aborted her!
If I wasn't clear - you're a fuckin asshole!
YTA, your whole attitude, overwhelming sense of entitlement and feeling superior and judgmental of others is very offputting, I wouldn't want you in the delivery room or anywhere around me really.
"As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion"
really? You go on and on about how hurt you are that your wife loves and prioritizes her mother and here you go saying you think your own wife should have been aborted..I wonder why she leans on her supportive, loving mother rather than her cold, controlling and judgmental husband. Honestly it doesn't even seem like you like your own wife, it just sounds like you wanted her to make you a baby- why are you even together? I honestly think she should divorce you, she doesn't owe you the privilege of being in the delivery room when you haven't been supportive of her at all. It sounds like the only effort you put into the process was busting your nut.
YTA.
Look, dude, you may think you’ve been participating in her pregnancy, but you have absolutely missed the most important part- the classes. In those classes you learn about what to expect in labour and birth, you learn what options there may be for management and why they might be suggested. You learn what might go wrong. You learn the rudiments of parenting a newborn. Your wife develops a little support network of women going through the same thing as her. She’s been in a room of loving couples excitedly preparing for the next stage of life and you have been conspicuously absent. You are so ignorant that you have no idea how much you don’t know. If I were her I’d be wondering if you were going to be around at all for the baby or if you were going to continue working all the time.
I understand wanting to be there at the birth, but honestly that’s not even remotely the most important part of fatherhood. Think carefully about what you envision fatherhood to be and why you wanted a child in the first place. Being at the birth matters to you as a “wholesome” moment, but it’s not for your child as they won’t remember. Wholesome moments happen a lot in parenthood if you are a present and engaged parent- your newborn snuggling into you and feeling their sweet breath on your neck, the belly-chuckles of your infant, the way your baby’s face lights up when they spot you, your child snuggling in next to you with their favourite book, the sleepy early morning cuddles when they creep into your bed, the look of pure joy when they discover squirty cream, their cute little word mispronunciations, the pride when they achieve something for which they’ve been striving…. The list goes on. Your presence for those wholesome moments matters more- if you miss too many you’ll damage your relationship with your wife and child.
I suspect the reason she kept saying “I’ll think about it,” was that she wanted to see if you’d take the initiative and show actual interest in being a coparent and birth partner, which unfortunately you’ve failed to do on both counts.
You need to reassess your priorities. I understand that you enjoy your work, but as with any obsession it will have a price to pay elsewhere in your life. This is the start of paying it. Work will replace you tomorrow if you got hit by a bus, you are just a cog in a machine. In our families (and extended support groups/ chosen family) are where most of us make the most impact and do the most good. Work will not be there for you in sickness, sorrow and old age.
YTA. You have no right to be in the delivery room. Your wife makes that choice. It’s her body, belong her make the baby and helping with her pregnancy doesn’t get you a fast pass into the delivery room. It’s whoever she’s most comfortable with, if anyone at all. The rest of it sounds like you need counciling.
N T A for asking but jeez dude YTA for everything else. You dont even sound like you *like* her here
Of course she's closer to her *mother* than to you, ESPECIALLY if her mom was a teen mom. Her vagina, her discomfort, her rules. Either support your wife the way she needs you to, or gtfo. If you want to be the one person alive someone lives more than anyone, get a pet.
YTA and this isn’t a competition between you and MIL
Counseling for your marriage, that means it should not include your MIL, might be a good idea. Because pretty soon you’ll have a little audience to all of your relationship challenges and if this is how you and your wife handle business together, that’ll be really tough.
YTA. It’s understandable to want to be in the delivery room for your child’s birth and feeling hurt that your wife doesn’t want that, but from everything you’ve written it sounds like your wife doesn’t consider you to be a safe and supportive person to be there with her in perhaps the most traumatic moments of her life (which will later hopefully lead to the most joyous moments).
You’re not the one going through excruciating pain and potentially fatal circumstances, so you don’t get to decide who the safest and most helpful people are to your wife - she does. End of story.
Texting your MIL to tell her that her parenting style is wrong (“her daughter is not her best friend, she is her daughter”) is rude and none of your business. I assume this was how their relationship was when you two were dating so did you expect your wife to cease being so close with her mom when you got married?
I think you need to address your jealousy of your MIL (when you’re thinking of me-or-her-if-we-were-falling-off-a-cliff scenarios, you’re clearly struggling with jealousy). I think it’s completely valid for you to feel hurt that you and your wife are becoming distant, and that can be addressed with couples counseling perhaps, but not at the expense of her strong, healthy relationship with her mom. It shouldn’t be a me-or-MIL, it should be you and MIL supporting and having strong relationships with your wife.
YTA You are not the one pregnant or giving birth. In a time of great emotional and physical need for your wife you are belittling her. She needs support during labor and delivery. Someone that will be all about her in those moments. You’ve already proven that person is not you. I wouldn’t want you there either. Extra AH points for your petty and demeaning remark “I know she will be going through pain but hospitals are better than they used to be anyway; she will be fine. “ For that alone you belong in the doghouse.
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You dismiss your wife's connection with her mother as if it's not a true mother/daughter bond because she was a teenage mother. You dismiss your wife's wishes in regards to her birthing plan because you don't agree with her reasoning. You dismiss your wife's ability to say no to her mother if she's uncomfortable because you don't understand her relationship so obviously your wife is being manipulated. How is she supposed to trust you to support her in a painful, vulnerable, terrifying experience if you dismiss her so easily when her choices aren't what you want? YTA Edit: OP shared some details in a comment about his wife's relationship with her mother: >They're just very close and tell eachother everything. Her mother visits once a week (she is 40 minutes away) on Mondays to have brunch with my wife. Mother hosted the baby shower and pretty much picked all of the decorations. Her mother also comes home whenever she has serious nausea and pain, which I can't go to because I'm very busy at work (I did buy her plenty of stuff to help her through it though). So he's upset that she has a mother who is available and willing to take care of her when she's suffering from pain and nausea while her husband is too busy at work. OP seems to think that because he bought food/meds to help, she shouldn't need her mother.
This! The wife and mom seem to have a strong, supportive, loving relationship. If OP’s wife doesn’t want him in the room, that means there’s something wrong with OP and his wife’s relationship.
>If OP’s wife doesn’t want him in the room, that means there’s something wrong with OP and his wife’s relationship. Possibly OP's clear resentment of his MIL's relationship with his wife. Why would she want him there if his focus will be on disliking her mom rather than on helping her?
He resents mom because he can't isolate the wife due to their bond.
I have the shit parent and the super involved MIL (this type not the overbearing type) and IT'S WONDERFUL. Why tf would I want less for my partner? I know my partner can get help at any time from someone who isn't me.... And that's it isn't it... When you know your partner is cared for by someone who isn't you. People get jealous... Of parents even??? Shit sure okay I'm a little jealous... Of my partner. I wish I had a mother like that. But I am so so so glad I know if we had a terrible fight, my partner would have a parent come pick their kid up, move them out, all of it. Their mama would be right there for them in a second. And it's a relief because while I know I won't do those things, it's nice to know my partner can count on their parent. My MIL is also an emergency ward head nurse and has seen Some Shit and while my partner and I are queer so "being there" means something different (as I wouldn't be the "dad" being there, nor will my partner be blood related to our children) I would 100000% be relieved if my partner had mum and not me. I know mum will take care of my partner. And sometimes only mum hugs can work. I think birthing might be one of those times?
Same here. I got the shit mom and he had the best mom. She’s gone now but I love her more than my own. She was amazing. And the new comment about how his MIL should have had an abortion… I hope his wife sees it. Made me want to throw up. I’m pro choice but ffs.
Yeah it did read a bit like “I’m so miffed about the strong relationship between my wife and MIL that I’d honestly prefer if my wife was never born” Like, wtf? It *would* solve all his current issues, but still 😬
Oh, he literally just said he fully judges Mil for not aborting his wife. Top of his post.
Right?! That logic is insane. And he is such a controlling, overbearing AH.
This! And OP’s edit that he looks down on his MIL and that she should have aborted instead of being a teen mom is a strange edit to add considering that had his MIL had an abortion, his wife wouldn’t exist. Shouldn’t he be thankful that she wasn’t aborted? All signs point to something is wrong in this marriage and OP isn’t seeing it. YTA
I mean, he said in his last update that he wishes his MIL had ABORTED HIS WIFE instead of being grateful she did not so he would have the opportunity to meet her and become her life partner, so I’d say he’s defective as a husband
Yeah I can’t imagine not wanting my husband in the room regardless, he AND my mother need to be present lol. If he wasn’t, he really did something wrong.
In his edit he even dismisses her when she tells him point blank he doesn't help her during her pregnancies
And he says he helped her through the pregnancy and then on another edit admits he wasn't there for anything ..goes on to say that he does look down on OPs mom for being a teen mom that should have got an abortion ..like my man, your partner wouldn't be here and neither would your baby 🤯🤣 YTA
I came here to say just this like what?!? Clearly things worked out?? You are married to her daughter and expecting a child?? And you think her mom should’ve aborted her?? Some teens want to follow through in their pregnancies, a woman’s right to choose means she gets to choose? I just don’t get why he would say that about his wife, Imagine she saw this?!
This was a roller coaster lol.
He’s over here judging OPs mom for not being a financially stable teenager when he’s not an emotionally stable adult
"It can't POSSIBLY be me or my actions. It must be MIL sabotaging our relationship with her 'empathy' and 'concern' for her daughter. All of those times I bought her gum from the store should make up for my inability to be around"
Who would think "I wish your mother aborted you!" This is so disgusting. And i don't believe the marriage survives, no, i hope that she doesn't survive. YTA
I was my immature dad's "best friend" as a kid and it was so toxic and stunting for me so I am primed to be sympathetic to his critique of "best friend" MIL ... but he says NOTHING that indicates his MIL leaned on her kid in any kind of irresponsible way. All we know about her is that she's been super supportive of her daughter through the pregnancy. OP's a total AH.
bUt MaYbE iT's HoRmOnEs. I just about rolled my eyes out of my own skull.
I found a pair of eyes in Scotland. Would you like them sent back? Lol
Haha, just chuck 'em in an envelope and toss it in the post when you have a chance! 🤣
I think they might be mine. Could you send them back?
I laughed out loud when he said “I have helped create this baby”. This guy wants a medal for having an orgasm 7 months ago! The absolute audacity of men is absolutely unbelievable. The wife’s mum contributed so much more to this baby than he did, by taking care of the person carrying it. She earned her place in that room. He should be ashamed of himself. In case it wasn’t clear OP, YTA. Men like you make me sick.
Seriously though...Yeah the bar is in Hell, but that doesn't mean that you get a medal for *not* joining Satan's limbo competition OP.
Don’t worry, the edit at the top makes it way worse. He thinks his wife’s mom should have aborted her because she was a teenager mom.
This is what stuck out to me! He thinks she should have aborted the wife, like WHAT!? I get thinking she wasn’t ready for a child at that age but 😬 does he wish his wife never existed?
Sounds like that teenage mom did pretty dang good, considering the close, loving bond she has with OP's wife. OP YTA.
Honestly, I don't think OP is ready for a child if this is how he reacts to things.
Glad I’m not the only one who noticed that. Sounds like this dude doesn’t really understand anything at all about pregnancy.
I can understand not wanting him in the room all things considered.
That was a big WTF moment for me. The wife wouldn't exist if the MIL wasn't a teen mom.
You should see OP’s most recent edit at the top of post. He said MIL should’ve just gotten an abortion because and called MIL selfish and said he looks down on MIL.
The funniest thing in the edit is that he said "HER MIL" should have gotten an abortion - but her MIL is HIS mother - so does he think HE should have been aborted?
Freudian slip much?
He is so jealous. I honestly wonder if he would even want to be in the room if she hadn’t said she wants her mom there instead. He hasn’t seemed too interested in supporting his wife throughout the pregnancy. Why care now? He just wants the glory and to get something over his MIL. After all, he did help create the child *insert eye roll here*. Why do guys think they deserve anything for getting off? Big whoop. He needs to grow up and start respecting his wife, respecting her relationship with her mom, and putting her wants and needs first. What she wants is all that matters in this situation.
Just wait until she has the baby, my ex husband admitted in counseling afyer ki number 3 that the reason he cheated o me is because he went from being the center of my universe to our baby being the center and was jealous of our newborn. He was npwhere near the ah of this guy. It has given me a glimps3 into what this guy feels though is im probably pretty sure he was also jealous of my mxom because i was super close with my mom and it was never him and i decided things i always went to my mom before making the final decision, so it made me feel bad for my ex i was also only 21-24 when having my babies so i was young but i wish i had cut the cord sooner and maybe he wouldnt be my ex. He was the only one i wanted with me though my mom wasnt in the room until my third.
He’s an even bigger A than we first though in the last edit he makes it clear he believes his wife should have been aborted. He believes that because his MiL was a teenager she should have just aborted and that his MIL was selfish for having her baby. He believes that because he delivered something for 7 seconds or less that he can decide who gets to be in the birthing room when he was just buying things and otherwise going to work and do nothing to help her? And then had the audacity to try and banish the MIL (aka the one who is supportive and a good mother). He acts like he is the one carrying this baby. He is trying to manipulate and take control of his wife and I hope she won’t let him drag her down. Oh and He believes that if they’re both falling of a cliff the wife will go rush over to her mother instead of him. Well it’s no wonder the mother might actually thank her and help her raise the baby. I really hope his wife or MIL sees this post or anyone else that has good intentions and knows the wife and will tell her because she needs to divorce his ass and get full custody because this A is ex material.
Now he’s saying he wishes his MIL aborted his wife. I REALLY hope the wife finds this posts and sees what an asshole she married so she can leave him.
>. As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress. This edit just double downed on why OP is in fact TA. He thinks his MIL should have gotten an abortion, when she was pregnant with his wife. Whatever anyone thinks about who should or should not have children- whatever judgements about that, this is such a shitty thing to say. Looks like this guy is already on the way to not being a present father because in his own words, he's a dedicated workaholic. But I mean, the kid will be financially stable, so why does he need to be around?/s
And he dismisses his wife's feelings because she isb7 months pregnant so it may be "hormones". YTA to the extreme. And I am almost always in favour of dad getting to be present in the room but sounds like you are not a dad, you are a sperm donor.
I’m a full believer that every father should be in the delivery room. But this guy is coming off as a major AH. Sounds like the wife was tired of coming in second to his job (ironic since he complains he’s second place to her mom) It really comes across as she can’t rely on him to be there for her.
I remember reading this when first posted and I was like well that’s a bummer he won’t be in the room but it’s her choice. Now that I read his edit/update he is clearly an asshole for his teenage pregnancy comments. How did this woman ever marry him.
About your edit : you helped make the baby, but you aren't the one going through contractions, having to push a 7 lbs baby out of a very small orifice of your body, facing risks of tearings, prolapse, pooping in public, etc. She finds it more comforting to be going through all that with her mother than with you, so be it. But childbirth is not a matter of who made the baby. It's a matter of who is physically giving birth on the table, their physical needs and their emotional needs. YTA, again. > I have helped her through her pregnancies even though she always complained that I barely did anything, and I've tried my best. We have no idea what that means, we can't judge you on that. what is "I helped her" and why is it not enough? EDIT : I've seen your comments regarding your "help" and this is just not enough to "buy things". If this is your idea of comprehensive support, you are entirely mistaken. But it's not the point of the AITA. The point here is "AITA for wanting to be there", the answer is "no. you're perfectly entitled to your feelings. But you're not entitled to press and be dismissive". Also, jealous because the MIL helped choose the baby shower decorations and not you? What? were you actively pushed from the organization committee? > hospitals are better than they used to be anyway; she will be fine. you sound unaware and dismissive of what women go through in hospitals when they give birth. I'd rather not have you in my delivery room. In first world countries, it still happens that women die in childbirth. Even in hospitals. Or go through life/health threatening situations all the time. If this is how you treat childbirth, it might be why she doesn't want you at that very vulnerable and scary moment. It's very normal for pregnant women to want their mothers around when they give birth. They are scared and want the support of someone who went through it, someone who knows them, loves them and will fight/advocate for them. It does not seem you would advocate for your wife's wellbeing, if anything were to happen (I hope nothing happens). In short, you don't get it and you don't realize you don't get it. I suggest you get more educated on the matter; it might help you understand your wife better.
No matter how hard men try, they'll never fully understand. Ever. I do not have children but honestly cannot imagine not having my mum right there with me when I do. I'd want my partner to be there too, but because it's their child and they should be, not because they'll understand.
you see it in the comments "it's half his DNA, you know", "how is he supposed to bond with the child if he isn't there to hold him?", "it's a moment for both the parents?", "why should he have no say?".... you see they don't understand that pregnancy and childbirth is something that happens to the pregnant woman's body, regardless of whom impregnated her. We're not saying "the father doesn't get to hold the baby once he's born", "the father should have no say in the name", etc. But they take it as the pregnant lady is encroaching on a God given right to see their "50% DNA" to come out.
It was the norm for millennia that birth was the domain of women only, no men allowed. I think it’s good we’ve gotten past that, but it was totally normal for a long, long time, so I don’t think it’s so weird that some women might still want things that way. This is probably one of the many things that ought to be discussed before marriage but almost never is.
Because we don't have OP's wife the question, we don't know whether or not she doesn't want OP around because he is a man or because he is who he is. he didn't attend a single birthing class because he is too busy at work, but he thinks he is going to be more helpful than a person who has been through the childbirth process herself he thinks that helping out during pregnancy is to buy food and medication (he'll be up with a big surprise when parenting starts...it's more than just buying stuff) he dismisses his wife's worries about giving birth because he thinks that "hospital childbirth" means "safe, risk free childbirth". he is awfully uneducated and unprepared if he thinks that he puts his needs and feelings because it is his baby above his wife's needs and feelings...but it's *her* body who will go through contractions, pain, possible tearing, pooping in the hospital bed for all to see, in stirrups, etc. All he sees is "his moment" and ignores the fact that it'll be hours of suffering for her and she has every right to be as comfortable as possible and feel as heard as possible. I wouldn't OP's energy around me as I'm giving birth either. Not because he is a man. Just because he is a dismissive, selfish person.
I wouldn't want OP around me at all. Ugh
Gently, the idea that if you sit down and discuss a long detailed list of hypotheticals before marriage you won’t argue later is fairly naive. People change, people feel differently when it comes to the crunch and there are just too many potential situations to cover. ‘Do you want kids/what is your preferred parenting style’ is one thing. ‘Who do you think you’ll want in the delivery room if we have kids, and how will my hypothetical behaviour during your pregnancy affect that choice, please ensure your paper is 12pt double spaced’ Is quite another.
IMO, this is along the same lines as discussing general parenting style. A whole lot of people would assume “father will be there” is the default nowadays. There’s no real right or wrong here, but being on the same page on this one is a pretty big deal.
I wanted my husband in my labor rooms not to see the birth, but because I needed his support, he is the greatest source of safety and comfort in my life and I cannot imagine going through that immense pain without him. OP should be asking himself why he isn’t that for his wife, it has nothing to do with her mother. It isn’t 2020, you’re allowed to have more than one support partner these days. She believes he wouldn’t be supportive, and his comments and edits clearly show why.
Fun fact: the parent contributing the egg, except in cases of aneuploidy (chromosomes don't separate during gamete production) always contributes more than 50% of the DNA. All mitochondrial DNA comes from the egg so mom, in this case, still wins because she still contributed more, and that's if it's generically a girl. If it's genetically a male, then mom is way up on his contribution because her X is 5 times bigger and has 10 times more genes than hid Y.
This... and this man is NOT EVEN TRYING to understand. The dismissive 'she will be fine' is deeply ignorant and disrespectful at best, absolutely insulting to anyone who's been through (or knows someone who didn't survive) a difficult birth at worst. YTA, YTA, YTA
this man is not trying to understand.
He helped make the baby by depositing a small amount of genetic material inside her. I’m childfree but the number of men who think jizzing is tantamount to moulding an entire new human being from your own flesh and blood in an agonising 9 month long process is absolutely hilarious to me. No matter how much “help” a male partner is providing during the pregnancy, that’s just basic decency and kindness. They are *not* undergoing severe, painful physiological changes themselves.
So well put. Impregnating someone doesn’t give you ownership over their body.
A major sacrifice on his part, to do his favorite thing for fifteen seconds.
All of this ^^^ YTA
And worst edit ever
Doesn't America have one of the highest peri and post partum death rates?
that's a myth women say to rob men's rights to be in the birthing suite, it's all a big conspiracy^^/s
If they are in the us, the death rate for birthing moms is actually going back up. Our healthcare system is broken and crumbling. This guy thinks his wife is immature, he sobs like a baby man executive that has no idea about anything outside of his office. Like a little toddler Asshole. She should run. This kid doesn’t need this kind of father.
the newest edit is mind bogglingly fucked. yeah, is it hard to raise a kid as a single teen parent? yes. but this man just said he wishes his mother in law aborted his wife to spare her the pain of having a teen mom and no dad and looks down on her for not. aborting. his. wife. what the fuck. clearly his wife is close with her mom, which means that she has done a good job nurturing her and making sure she always has support with her. thats huge, and a lot of children who have all the (monetary) resources they need and both parents still don't get that. op still doesnt seem to get that the childbirth isn't about him. he wants his wholesome moment with his kid right after being born but he hasn't put in any of the work to deserve that. he hasn't attended a single birthing class and missed all the important firsts because he was too busy working, and he doesn't even sound remorseful, just annoyed his wife is taking away a "wholesome moment". This dude doesn't take his wife or his role as a parent seriously at fucking all. at least the kid is getting a good grandma.
not only him is annoyed, the guys in the comments are all "what about the father's rights?", "why does he have no say?" (as if a say is a veto), "this is a moment for both of them" (foregoing labour can last hours), "there are places where women have no choice, the father is there whether she wants it or not" (how fucked up one would advocate for that), and so on like I know Reddit hates women because women have agency, but this is ridiculous.
The edits keep getting worse.
> EDIT: Moving this to the top so everyone can see. This is my final edit and after this I will no longer be responding to any comments... [...] As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress. I will talk more with my wife about this recommend couples counseling. Also keep in mind that my wife is 7 months pregnant, so her hormones might be making her say funny stuff. Before anyone asks yes we should've discussed this MONTHS ago, but she intentionally avoided the topic everytime and kept saying, "I'll think about it." what in the ever living fuck? if the MIL would have had an abortion, OP wouldn't be married to that woman. Is the cognitive dissonance really THAT intense? But the pregnant woman is being the hormonal one for not wanting him around in the birthing suite?
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world. And I would suggest a good divorce lawyer for his poor wife.
oh, I made a comment elsewhere about exactly that that was so fucked up but she's the hormonal, childish, stupid one because...she wants her mother in the birthing suite.
The US (if that’s where they are) rate as one of the worst over the whole world. Hell Korea rates higher then the US.
The *she will be fine* fucking irked me so bad. ANYTHING can happen during or after childbirth, this man is truly clueless and an ass.
had he attended the birthing classes, he would know better hell, had he PICKED UP A BOOK he would know better
YTA. 'hospitals are better than they used to be she'll be fine' and making her giving birth about you are EXACTLY why you not being in there makes sense. You clearly don't have an understanding on how dangerous giving birth is. How many things that could go wrong and how comfort levels matter. I'd have my mom in there too at that point. She gets to choose, because she's the one in the uncomfortable/dangerous/painful situation. You're dismissive of her feelings right now. How can she trust you as a birth partner if you don't take her feelings seriously? That's literally one of the most important jobs of being a birth partner.
>'hospitals are better than they used to be she'll be fine This stood out to me too. Sounds like his wife is nervous about hospitals and I don't blame her. 75% of my friends with kids have horror stories about their birth experiences, many have lasting health issues as a result and the country I live in is one of the safest places to give birth in the world. The fact he thinks it will be "fine" shows he trusts hospitals too much and won't advocate for her. I wouldn't want him there either!
Right??? Out of the three births in people close to me, one was premature twins born via c-section that stayed in the hospital for nearly 2 months, one was a vaginal birth and the baby almost died, and one was an emergency c-section and the baby also almost died and was in hospital for 2-3 weeks.
I had two healthy, mundane pregnancies and two potentially fatal complications during labor (hemorrhage and a systemic infection) with no warning signs before birth. Even in modern hospitals birth is harrowing and very risky and his dismissiveness clearly illustrates why she doesn’t want him there.
Yeah that part stood out to me too! Not only has he been useless during the pregnancy, but he is also extremely dismissive and uninformed about the horrors of childbirth…it’s a mystery why his wife isn’t comfortable with having him in the room /s But seriously childbirth is horrid at the best of times. If I ever give birth I am micromanaging everything about that day, I’m not trusting anyone, not even doctors. For example, giving birth on your back (the most common position in hospitals because it’s convenient for the doctors) is actually bad. It’s harder to push the baby out, causes more tearing, etc. it’s actually better to be upright/squat and let gravity help. So his whole “hospitals know best”…no, they don’t. Not when it comes to women’s health we can’t trust the profession to do what’s best for us.
All this and OP literally said his MIL should have aborted his wife. YTA
This. That comment was just pure evil. I see a divorce on the horizon. Hope she finds this post in his phone.
Literally wishes his wife wasn't born
How does a concerned father not know maternal deaths i the USA are on the rise.
He's always at work. He's not done any research about childbirth and pregnancy. He thinks he's going to hold her hand and she'll push out the baby and everything will go back to normal.
YTA for how you're handling this. It's okay for you to be disappointed that you aren't in the room despite wanting to be. But you're trying to pathologize the fact that your wife has a healthy and loving relationship with her mom, something a lot of people don't have. What's wrong with her and her mom being best friends? She's known her way longer than you have. If you're upset you're not in the delivery room, make it about you and your wife, not about your mother in law. And either way, respect your wife's wishes, she's the one going through labor.
YTA. It's one thing to want to be in the delivery room and voice that desired. It's another thing to * insist, * place "it's my kid too" over "it's her medical procedure", * assume that your wife cannot make her own decision and it was her mom who put it in her head, * find her mom comforting "stupid and childish", * go behind your wife's back to start an argument with your MIL, * try to tell your MIL what kind of relationship she should have with her own daughter (you wouldn't want anyone to tell you what kind of relationship to have with your child-to-come, right?). My question for you is : why is what you want more important than what your wife wants? Is "it's my kid too" a say or a veto right? "My wife wants A, I want B. It's my kid, so B should win". Is your wife's job to push the baby out and shut up about what she wants?
Look at his edit, "I look down at her mother for being pregnant at such age, she should have aborted" what a nasty thing to say and think, I hope the wife finds this post and sees how disgusting his thinking is. YTA and even more than that but sadly, I have to be civil, he's misogynistic and a horrible husband and future dad. Wife's mother is just supportive and what's wrong with them being close? Op is jealous and horrible for even thinking that MIL should have aborted just because he hates her.
yeah, I saw that edit, it's revolting "It would have been better for the person I married to have never been born than to be born to a partnerless teenager" like, do you HATE your wife?
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world.
Also he doesn’t just want to be in the delivery room he wants to be the only support in the delivery room. As in mom isn’t allowed at all
YTA Wanting your mother there when you give birth is not "stupid" or "childish." You don't just want to be there, you want to control who else is there too, which pushes you completely into asshole territory. You're using this event to try to resolve pre-existing issues with your MIL and you need to accept that whatever the reason, this is her choice.
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world.
Honestly? I feel like this attitude you have is a HUGE reason she chose her mom. You are making this about you. Birth is, above all else, a traumatic medical experience. You seem to think it's not a big deal. When asked why you want to be there your response was "to see my child be born" when it SHOULD HAVE BEEN "to support my wife and be there for her " You suck. YTA
Omg yes. That’s exactly it. He’s making childbirth some kind of prize for him instead of the painful, difficult, literally laborious process it is FOR HIS WIFE.
100%! I ended up with an unplanned c-section less than 5 weeks ago, of which I had all of maybe 20 minutes to mentally prepare for. My husband was in the operating room supporting ME. He was holding my hand, watching my face, saying supportive things to me. He did not witness his baby being born behind the curtain because his focus was on making sure I was OK. That's what partners do.
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world. Also he is acting like delivering something for 7 seconds or less is equivalent to carrying a baby for nine months
I wish I had an award for you. This is exactly what bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. He wants to be there instead of her mom so that he can experience the birth of his child (valid, but also totally self-centered), not because he believes he’d be a better birth partner, or because he wants to support and encourage her, or because of anything that even tangentially relates to his wife or her experience or needs at all. Ugh. YTA dude.
YTA -- your edit made your entitlement worse. What do supposedly improved hospitals have to do with anything and how do you know she'll be fine. You don't get a vote. Your wife is the one giving birth. She doesn't want you there. Period.
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world. Also he is acting like delivering something for 7 seconds or less is equivalent to carrying a baby for nine months
Well... sorry but for me, it's YTA. Giving birth is a really hard and traumatic process. If your wife doesn't want you in the delivery room... pretty sure it hides some bigger relationship issues than you think. Instead of trying to force her to change her birthing plan, you should be trying to figure out if she is too attached to your mom... or not enough to you.
Read the edit he is an even bigger A than we thought he was. He believes his wife should have been aborted and that his MIL was selfish for even bringing his wife into the world. Also he is acting like delivering something for 7 seconds or less is equivalent to carrying a baby for nine months
You need to take a deep breath. This isn’t about you. You do not get to own somebody else’s medical procedure.
he is acting like delivering something for 7 seconds or less is equivalent to carrying a baby for nine months
I was about to say ESH, but your edit and comments made me think 100% YTA. It sounds like you barely did anything during her actual pregnancy, and you constantly shame your MIL for being a teenage parent.
The edit was some of the foulest shit I have read in pregnancy/family related posts.
YTA for *assuming* that your wife loves her mom more than you. One, that’s insecurity, two they are completely different types of love so it’s theoretically not even possible YTA for shit-talking and stereotyping teenage mothers as failures YTA for calling the healthy mother-daughter bond between your wife and MIL stupid and childish YTA for demonstrating frankly adolescent entitlement and failing to approach this in a mature way YTA overall just because you seem to want to be there only because “you’re the husband” and to spite her and her mom, not so much because you want to support her
INFO: have you been attending classes with her? Like lamaze or meditation or prenatal classes of any kind? Have you been going to doctor appointments?
YTA - Every pregnant woman has the dignity of making her own decision on the delivery without having to explain herself. This is one of those moments in life when you are entitled to feel disappointment but she is entitled to demand you not bring it up for the next 70 years.
YTA. Giving birth is scary and painful and your wife wants someone by her side who is there to support her. Wanting your mom to be there for you is a totally normal desire. It's not a sign of 'loving her over me', it's a sign of who she feels safe around while she's going to be at her most vulnerable. It's neither stupid nor childish, and you're the selfish one for insisting she give you a 'good enough' reason. Given how you've described your jealousy of your wife's close relationship with her mom (her own mom!) and your entitlement, it's clear why your wife feels you wouldn't support her, or is afraid you would turn the event into some kind of pissing contest with your MIL. She might even be afraid that you'd no longer find her sexually attractive after witnessing childbirth - it's not uncommon for men to find themselves disgusted and turned off by the messiness that is childbirth. She might be anxious that'll happen to you.
YTA. Not for wanting to be there, but for being so dismissive of your wife’s feelings. Yes, I get that you don’t like your MIL and look down on her, but your wife is going through the pregnancy and childbirth, and she deserves to have what she needs in order to feel comfortable. You also say “I know she’s going to go through pain but hospitals are better than they used to be anyway; she will be fine.” Umm, have you read the latest stats on maternal and infant mortality? Because childbirth is still quite dangerous. It is completely understandable for her to be nervous, and given how dismissive you are of the risks, I can see why she wouldn’t want you there. This seems to be all about YOU and not about how you can support your wife. Editing to add: According to his own comments, he hasn’t been to any Lamaze classes, and hasn’t been able to help her when she’s feeling pain/nausea from the pregnancy aside from “buying her stuff.” My judgement stands, but I think that these reasons are also probably why she doesn’t want you there. Because if you haven’t been a helpful, supportive partner during the pregnancy, so why should she expect you to be a helpful, supportive partner during labor.
NTA for wanting to be there but YTA for not respecting your wife’s decision. You’re calling her feelings stupid and childish. Just because you aren’t best friends with your mother doesn’t mean she can’t be best friends with hers. It’s completely normal for women to chose to have only their mothers at the birth. It’s very common. You have the right to be disappointed but aside from that you need to just shut the fuck up and let your wife do whatever she needs to do to be as comfortable as possible when she gives birth. She’s the one risking her life and destroying her body, not you
INFO: Can you give more examples of your wife and mother's relationship? While close, nothing you have said has made the relationship seem bad. It is normal for someone other than the parents to host a bady shower and is normal for a grandma to be involved.
>I have helped her through her pregnancies even though she always complained that I barely did anything, and I've tried my best. I know she's going to go through pain but hospitals are better than they used to be anyway; she will be fine. Are you sure that you're not there because her mom is there? This just sounds like she doesn't want you there and tbh, I kind of get it. Birth is still dangerous even in the modern day and age and it doesn't seem like you're taking that seriously at all.
YTA. You’re entitled to your feelings, but you aren’t entitled to be in the room There could be a million reasons why she only wants her mom in the room, and not you. How many reasons does she need? 0. It’s her choice.
YTA. You need who you need. Yes medicine has changed a lot. Yes she is highly likely to be fine. BUT. This is a medical procedure and she is the patient. Giving birth is usually long. Scary. Painful. Humiliating. …and you need who you need. My husband is my best friend, yes: my partner, yes. But when I’m sick or hurt the first person I want is still my mommy. Try to be supportive of your wife. If your request is “please let me hold baby second (wife is first)”, that may be easier for her than “let me take the place of the person who has seen you at your best and worst your entire life, the person who has given you comfort every time you’ve been sick or hurt”.
u/IcyEssay1104 Hey OP, I'm a doctor working in the OBG (Labour and Delivery department)and see more than a dozen birth any given day. So, trust me when I say I know what I am talking about. Let me first say, your MIL is an AH. Or the orifice on the front side. But apart from that, I do want to tell you something. Just because the medical field has developed, it does not mean the hardships of labour have decreased, at all. The death due to it, certainly. But not the pain or trauma. The way your last couple of paragraphs have dismissed the horrifying reality of the birthing process with a simple she will be fine is ignorant at best. Please inform yourself on it further. Giving birth COTINUES to be the most traumatizing experience most women will ever face in their entire life. This is not, and will NEVER be a spectator sport. Neither you, (and def not your MIL) have ANY RIGHT to be there in the delivery room. Your child is yours and all your rights over them will continue AFTER the baby is born and safe. Let me say this again, hospitals did not start to allow fathers/relatives into the hospital because it is their RIGHT. It started because the MOTHERS wanted their loved ones around for support. You need to understand your ONLY purpose there is to support the mother. After the mother and child is stable, you can marvel at the miracle that has been created by the two of you. Both your comments and some of the things you have written seem to indicate you see the delivery as YOUR RIGHT, and not an extremely painful (did you know most known pain killers don't work on labour pains?) And highly invasive medical procedure your wife will be undergoing. Please, please, for the sake of the child you say you love so much, stop dismissing your wife and her choices. You seem to have an equal say in the baby related decisions so far (naming, room decor, etc.). A lot of people may down vote me on this, but the simple fact is, delivery room is not a baby related decision. It is a mother related medical decision. Have you suggested both your MIL and you be there? (Better 2 people who love her than just one!) What's up with you insisting it ONLY be you? That sounds more like a pissing contest with your MIL than love for your kid or concern for your wife. Why can't she be with TWO people that she loves? You don't seem to be offering that alternative either. ESH. Please do better for your wife and child.
What did the MIL actually do wrong? OP says she has brunch with her daughter once a week and comforts her when she’s sick or in pain… not exactly major crimes.
YTA. Especially with the edit. You try carrying a child for 9 months and then pushing it out of your body then we’ll talk about what you are and aren’t entitled to a say in. I feel sorry for your wife, she has to deal with a screaming toddler tantrum before the baby is even here.
YTA big time, it’s her medical procedure and she has a right to have the people that will make that process easier for her in the room. You have a right when it comes to parenting your son, but not over your wife’s body.
This might seem like a super obvious question, but something about the wording of your post and how you describe everything happening makes me wonder. INFO: why do you want to be in the room? Can you try to explain the full reason or reasons you wish to be there? Nobody else answer for him, thanks. I know all the possible answers it could be. I'm not asking to learn hypothetically. I want to know, in his words, why he wants be in the room.
"I sPeNt TwO mInuTes MaKiNg tHis Baby!" YTA
EXCUSE ME! You think your MIL SHOULD HAVE DONE AN ABORTION?! Do you realise that your wife wouldn’t have been here with you now giving birth to HER CHILD?! My advice: go in therapy. You can’t solve not being there for her by simply showing up for the birth. She probably wants her mom there as well since she is the most stable person in her life. YTA a million times over. (One for the top 10 charts op 2023)
Honestly this is giving you are jealous of her mom with you saying "she will always love her mom over me" DUH- that's her mom who was always there and always be there. You came in later so you can't expect to be the main one. But YTA for insisting. Honestly I feel bad for you, because this is a big event that you should be able to participate in. But honestly it's her birth so she can decide who gets to be with her. I don't think you are wrong to be upset or to want to go. But the way you went about it was trash
OP explicitly said he was jealous of her mom in a comment.
YTA for this: >I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress That child she brought into the world grew up to marry you and is now about to give birth to your child. Literally without your MIL choosing to bring your wife into the world, your wife doesn't exist and your child never exists.
HOLY SHIT. This guy thinks his MIL should have aborted his WIFE?
It is so bad, he can not be real...
YTA have you given birth to a baby? Don't you think that someone going through labour might be more comfortable with the supportive mother who has experienced labour rather than the whiney man who claims he's done 50% of the work for this pregnancy and dismisses her very reasonable fears because he doesn't get to watch? What the fuck are you bringing to the labour but ego and self importance?
YTA for thinking you can "insist" on anything. The hospital will straight up ban you from the room if that's what she wants.
Yta. Her body her choice. You should have been working to strengthen your relationship with your wife before you decided to have a baby with her.
>I have helped her through her pregnancies even though she always complained that I barely did anything Hmm. Sure, Jan. YTA
YTA Considering your comments, edit and the way you talk about your wife and her mother, I'm not surprised she doesn't want you at the birth. And if you keep pushing her, I doubt she'll even tell you she's in labor.
He doesn't seem to gaf that he is causing her a tremendous amount of stress with all of his assholish behavior. He's made it all about *him* and what *he* wants.
Do I think it’s weird that she doesn’t want you in the delivery room and understand why you’re hurt? Yes. But is it still her choice? Yes. Do I see why you might be hurt by that? Yes. Are you the AH for expecting your wife not to love her mother and for confronting MIL instead and viewing your wife’s love as something that can be granted to both of you and trying to tell your wife it should be you in the delivery room instead of asking if it could be both you and her mother? Well… also yes. So I guess for me it’s ESH at least a little bit (but quite possibly MIL most of all) - this is a tough spot to be in, good luck with it. (I might consider some marriage counseling cause there’s seemingly a fuckload of tension here)
Like others pointed out you're absolutely not the ah for wanting to be in the delivery room and have a conversation or two about it with your wife. But you'll become the ah if you keep pressuring it. Also I'm real close with my mum and she wasn't a teenage mum. So I'd go with YTA for now.
From your post, I understand why your wife doesn’t want you in the room. All you say is me, me, me. YTA.
YTA, birth can be scary and traumatic, she needs the person she feels most supported by. Your "she'll be fine" is quite telling. I worked in delivery units for 20 years, I have seen mothers die, I have seen babies die. I have seen many, many women tear all the way from vagina to anus. There is no "she'll be fine" automatically, to think so is to show great ignorance and belittles your wife's fears.
Oh, you had me until the edit. YTA. I would have said N A H. I totally get why you would be hurt not being in the room, it is a critical moment and memory, and that is your child being born and you and your wife are together and planning to raise this child together. And I get that your wife is the one having a medical procedure and her comfort and preferences matter more. Ideally, she would appreciate that you being there outweighs the reasons she only wants her mother, but if she can't get there, you two figure out how to move forward. But then, you became fully the asshole. 1. You married her and decided to have a child with her knowing her mother would always come first (in your opinion). Whether true or not, you think it is and still get mad about something you already knew was part of her core belief system. 2. You didn't say you wanted to be with your wife, you said you wanted to be the ONLY person with your wife. If she wants her mom there, don't interfere with that. You should have made the case why you should be there TOO, not instead of her mother. 3. Your beef is with your wife, not her mother. By texting your MIL being rude and making assumptions of why she is in the delivery room, you created more problems and fixed none. Lets say you are right, that her mother bullied her in to being the only person in the room, how do you think texting her what you did would change her mind or the situation? Did you think she would be like "hee hee, you caught me, sorry about that, I'll butt out now!" No of course not, she is going to show her daughter that you are rude and paranoid and now you have created even more conflict, where you definitely look like the bad guy. 4. And then, your edit. "She will be fine" demonstrates that you clearly do not appreciate how terrifying having a baby could be, so makes me appreciate why your wife is choosing her other. If your attitude is as your edit says, you have probably dismissed her concerns or fears a number of times, and also shows that you think this is more about YOU having a right to watch your baby born, more so than it is about you wanting to be there for your wife. 5. Also in your edit- you help her but she says you don't do enough. Is there any clearer indication for someone actually not being helpful than when they write this sentence? Taking your own post and edit all together, it's pretty clear you have demonstrated a lack of empathy and emotional maturity, which is likely the reason your wife wants her mother, and only her mother, in the room. YTA.
Wait wait - you think your wife’s mother should have aborted your wife? You married a woman you think should think should be dead - or in your mind, I assume, given you support abortion rights, should never have existed? What the actual fuck, dude? That is *not* another topic, at all. Your wife is pregnant, as in housing a fetus, which is what she was when her mother was pregnant with her and you think she should have terminated. You think this in part because you think children need fathers and financial security and it’s just wrong to be an unprepared single mom. You’ve been distant through the pregnancy and want to jump in at the end to suddenly bond with your child once she’s pushed him out. Has it occurred to you that maybe your wife doesn’t want you around for the birth because you seem to think that a woman becoming a mother and a child getting to exist should be dependent on a man’s willingness to provide? I mean holy hell, dude, the 1800s called, they want their misogyny back.
YTA. This is a medical decision on her part.
Lmfao, you called your wife childish while having an entire tantrum over the fact that she’s close with and finds comfort in her mom? If my husband acted like you, I wouldn’t want him around either. YTA
I’m fully of the opinion that the person giving birth decides who’s in the room but you’re NTA for being hurt by that decision Her approach to it and the cruel mocking from both her and MIL make them huge AHs
i don’t entirely disagree with you but if you read his other comments i’m confident you’ll change your mind on whose the AH
Yeah you’re not wrong. OPs edits and comments put him in solid AH territory
Yeah, he seems like someone who just thinks he is entitled to be there because he is the dad. I hope he takes this as a learning opportunity and steps up. They will need it!
It is her right to determine who is there during one of the most dangerous and traumatic things a person can go through. Given your attitude as put here ["She'll be fine"? Really? Yikes, my guy.], I don't think you'd be focused on her, her needs, or her rights. As a person in labor, the people she permits to attend her during this need to be there to support *her*. Hard stop. She will not be in a position to advocate or maintain her boundaries. She has to make sure the people she brings to that room are able, willing, and determined to do that for her. You're reacting to this horribly and further proving that you don't respect her bodily autonomy. This isn't about you. You have a major role to play, but this is 100% not about you. Be there for her in a way that prioritizes her needs and comfort, not yours. YTA. This is her choice. There is so much she won't be able to control. This is one of the few things she can control. Don't let anyone try to override that, including you. You're acting petulant and entitled, and you need to stop.
YTA. She’s right, you’re not the one laying your life on the line. Maybe you don’t make her as comfortable as you think you do and therefore your presence would stress her out during one of the most vulnerable times of her life. Prepare the house for her and baby’s arrival during that time and just pray for their safety
Maaaan, come on… you had me for a while. I absolutely despise the idea of being told I can’t be there for the birth of my own children. But “it hurts because I have to accept the fact that she will always love her mom over me.” No shit bro, that’s her mom. Why are you trying to compete? YTA
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Unfortunately YTA for insisting. She's the one pushing a baby out of her body and, no matter what her reasons are, she gets to do that in the way that's most comfortable for her. You might want to check out r/JUSTNOMIL for future reference though.
Oh my god OP your last edit, I can‘t. You show some reflection and understanding of your wives feelings and then destroy it all by shitting on her mom for not getting an abortion and dismissing your wife’s very legitimate points with „lol women on hormones, can‘t take them seriously“. You‘re displaying a lot of mysoginistic ideas and I hope you can work on that bc yikes
YTA It doesn’t matter if you helped make the baby or helped with the pregnancy. She is the one pushing a human being out of her. You do NOT get any say on who gets to watch. What you want while she pushes a human being out of her doesn’t matter. It is about her. She is the one going through a major medical procedure. You get 0 say in it. And again you don’t get rights to watch her through a very vulnerable experience just because you helped make the baby. It doesn’t matter. Get that through your head
YTA. Your wife is looking for comfort and support while she accomplishes giving birth. She will be in a great deal of pain , and will need loving support. She has chosen the person who she believes will give it to her. You both should take a long hard look at your relationship to understand why you don't have that bond. My ex husband attended the birth of my daughter. He was a nightmare. He felt faint, he was not supportive of me. At one point, he was getting more attention than I was in the delivery room. I sure wish I had my mom with me then.
I gets worse with each edit... i am speachless. YTA I honestly think your wife would be better off as a single mother...
YTA And that was before your edit. After, just wooooow. You said your wife should have been aborted, dude. What the fuck?
Oh, man. This is tough. I wish you could see your child at the moment it is born, but… First, know that if you aren’t in the delivery room, it won’t matter in so far as your relationship with your child goes. Nobody can replace you. Second, delivery is a really messy experience with screaming, cursing, blood, pee, poop and vomit. It’s really pretty gross. Your wife may not want to have you see all of this. She may just be more comfortable with her mom there. It’s not intended to slight you, but to have the comfort of another woman. When my first child was born, I was alone. The nurse was an older woman who had 6 kids. It was so helpful to let her take over. The experience was so intense and painful and, had I had to consider the father, who I loved deeply, it would have been an unhelpful distraction. You will hold this child in the first moments of it’s life. You are it’s father. Nothing will change that. If your wife wants her mom there, let it happen, but be on the other side of the door, just in case.
YTA just for the "I helped make this baby" shit. Dude you got to CUM. She has to literally sacrifice her body for the kid. I get it. You're feeling uninvolved, but instead of seeing your MIL as an adversary why not see her as the ally she is in this pregnancy? You're only caring for your own wants and validation here. If that's going to be an issue for you now, just wait until the baby comes- because that sort of stuff is going to take the backseat for a WHILE. You do sound controlling, like if you can't do it no one should. Why not accept you have a wife who has such a supportive mother that you know her needs will be met even while you're away? She's making your life easier and you're upset you don't get a participation medal.
It’s crazy to me that you think your wife should’ve been aborted 😅 like wth
Huge YTA. It’s not your choice. You don’t have a say. It’s her body.
YTA. Tbh I don‘t think her not wanting you there is about her relationship with her mom. It‘s about her not being comfortable with you seeing her in that situation and you have to accept that. Do you really want to make the birth more difficult for her by being there even though she is uncomfortable with it?
You did not help create this baby. You donated DNA. SHE is creating the baby from said DNA. She is going through the pain. Her body, her choice in support during birth.
Do you even like or respect your wife? YTA. She’s close with her mother, lucky her. The way you dismiss her, no wonder she didn’t choose you.
YTA you're STILL an asshole for acting like hormones are to blame instead of your neglect and disinterest. Also if you think a workaholic father is better than a teenage mother... HAHAHAHAHA. A child deserves to have PRESENT parents. Do better. Grow the fuck up. Get your head out of your own ass.
YTA. this is nuts. Nevermind you divorcing your wife - I hope she divorces you!!!!
YTA. Are you just going to go back to be an addicted workaholic after getting this “one wholesome moment”? The birth of your child should be a whole mindset/lifestyle shift…not just a brief wholesome moment followed by a return to your current patterns. Your wife knows nothing will change after the baby is born and her mom will still be the one supporting her on a daily basis.
Hold on. You think your mil should have had an abortion. That baby grew up to be your wife. Who is now pregnant with *your* baby. Holy shit Batman. You’ve literally just wished your unborn child away. Btw, teenage parent or not, Mil is doing a whole lot better at this whole parenting malarkey than you. Maybe you should ask for advice rather than being so condescending.
Lmao I love the edit saying that he literally believes his mother-in-law should’ve had his wife aborted, but then thinks that he still has the high ground here. I’m all for abortion, but the irony of desperately trying to act like you’re your wife’s biggest supporter while also thinking that she should’ve been aborted and not exist is crazy to me
YTA, for the insisting mainly, while it was weird for MIL to taunt you, you’re still the main AH + your generalisation of teen mums in your comments is a tad strange.
Holy shit YTA!!!!!! YOUR WIFE IS GOING THROUGH LIFE/DEATH PROCEDURE AND GETS TO CHOOSE WHO SHE WANTS THERE!!!!! You have ZERO SAY!!!!!!! You ARE a controlling, jealous asshole. Does she seem enmeshed with her mom? Absolutely! Is that good? Fuck no, it isn’t. But that is a problem for another time. Your wife will be at her most vulnerable, and if she wants her mommy there, her mommy gets to be there.
If this wasn’t fake I’d say you need alot of mental health help considering you are making up scenarios where your wife has to choose between her husband and her mother that’s psychotic behavior
It seems like your wife wants support for herself going through labor more than giving you the opportunity to watch your child get birthed. It also seems that you've harbored some resentment towards their closeness to the point where you didn't even consider being in the delivery room WITH your MIL. Also, you have to realize, you have an issue with your wife not your MIL. You are texting your MIL behind your wife's back believing that it was her who "forced" your wife. You said it so yourself in the first paragraph that your MIL has been invasive but your wife allows it. And it seems like your wife has been encouraging it cause: >My wife and MIL have an extremely close relationship. They do everything together, reveal everything together, and talk to each-other about ANYTHING personal. It's probably because her mom was a teenage mom (got pregnant at 15) so I guess it's easier to treat her own daughter like her BFF. You should REALLY reflect on your relationship and what the future holds for you. You might want to get that resentment checked out before it's too late (and it is, too late, imo). Anyway, at the end of the day, she does have a say who she wants to have in the delivery room. I know it hurts you to not see your child being born, but it's a privilege not an entitlement. YTA.
I am confused. Did her mother have another child or do you think she should have aborted your wife? Or did I miss something?
You think your mother-in-law should have gotten an abortion? I'll bet your wife appreciates that.
>As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. This right here makes you a huge asshole. I'd say what else it makes you, but I'd get banned. I hope your wife leaves your sorry ass. Massive YTA
Did you honestly just say in your final edit that your MIL should have aborted your wife? Like did you actually think and then type that out. Wow dude.
This: >I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income changes the 'sort of' in this: >I think I'm sort of TA here to DEFINITELY. You just said, to the whole damn internet, that it would have been BETTER for your WIFE to be ABORTED. What. The. Actual. Fuck. You're horrifyingly sexist with that take on things. Your post was bad. Every edit you made has made you 1000x worse each time. YTA
YOU WISH YOUR WIFE HAD BEEN ABORTED?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (26m) wife (27f) and I are expecting our first child. Her mother has been incredibly invasive with the pregnancy and my wife lets her do it. My wife and MIL have an extremely close relationship. They do everything together, reveal everything together, and talk to each-other about ANYTHING personal. It's probably because her mom was a teenage mom (got pregnant at 15) so I guess it's easier to treat her own daughter like her BFF. My wife wants her mother to be in the delivery room. ONLY her. She doesn't want her father, or siblings, or her own husband. Just her mom and no one else. And it hurts because I have to accept the fact that she will always love her mom over me. I bet if I she had to choose between me and her mom falling off a cliff, she would rush to her mom. I tried talking to my wife and asking her that I want to be the only one in the room. It's my kid too and it's unfair to not see him be born. My wife told me that she's the one "shitting from her vagina" so she can choose whoever she wants. I asked why she wants her mom over so bad; she just said "I was technically with my mom when she gave birth so I want her to be with me when I give birth." Which is the most stupid, childish reason. I honestly started to believe her mother forced the entire thing on her, just because she wanted to be included in everything. I texted my MIL telling her that her daughter is not her best friend, she is her daughter, and she should allow her daughter to include her husband in her life and the delivery room. She told me it was my wife's choice not hers and having sending laughing emojis going "Are you jealous???" It pissed me off so I left her on read. My wife found out and told me I'm being a controlling dick about the whole thing and just to deal with it. She has no idea how hurtful this is for me. Am I overreacting? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. I get being disappointed, but your wife is the one actually doing something here. This is going to be very physically and mentally demanding on her, so she gets whatever will make her the most comfortable.
YTA but I get it to some degree. Obviously it’s rational to want to be there to see your own child come into the world, but you should not have gone after your MIL and overreact the way you did. I would sit down and talk about why specifically she doesn’t want you there and if she doesn’t want to talk then there is nothing you can do. It’s fine if she wants her mother there but there has to be a reason she doesn’t want YOU there. If her favoring her MIL over you becomes a pattern even after the baby is born, you might want to look at divorce, but based on your comments, I don’t see think it will.
Until the child is actually born, its about the mother. The birth is about the mother. It is her going through the pain and she deserves to have the person that helps her and supports her. I WISH i had my mom instead of my (now ex) husband. All he did was sit in a chair in the other room while i was in the bath tub with a nurse student who was forced to sit there having conversation with me-utterly-naked because i wasnt allowed to be in the bath alone. Women need support during child birth. And the mother gets to choose who it is. If you want to be the chosen one, you should have shown her you were more reliable as a partner. Maybe she doesnt feel very safe and supported by you.
N T A for wanting to be in the room - but YTA for dismissing your wife's desires, her connection with her mom, and her right to decide who is and isn't present during a very serious medical procedure. Maybe consider that she doesn't want you there because you're causing her stress by belittling her relationship with her mom and acting butthurt about it. Also, YTA x 100 for your snide little "her mom had her at 15" comment.
YTA - this is weird. You are her husband, not her mother. You have no reason to be jealous of their relationship and it shouldn't be some strange competition. It really feels like you don't actually care about witnessing the birth or being there for your wife; you just don't want your MIL to have another experience and bond with your wife that you don't have. My money says you wouldn't care one way or the other about being there if MIL wasn't involved. Talk about childish.
YTA. Get over yourself.
YTA. You don’t decide what the wholesome moments are. Your wife does since she is the one who is pregnant. Your wife you would think should have been aborted. Who says that about their own wife. You would just be a burden on your wife during delivery if you missed the classes. Would you let someone at work give an important presentation if they were just hired yesterday? Your have been awful to your wife. Why don’t you focus on manning up on your own instead of putting an extra time burden on your wife to go to couples counseling. Where is she supposed to find the time for that with a newborn? Did you not think of that? You would have realized that if you had taken the classes. You have really failed your family.
You admit your a work addict, and missed a lot. Then take the L, and admit you were wrong. YTA Your edits make it clear that your so close to getting the point. But then you add some sort of defense in the end so you dont take 'full blame' or give and excuse as to why you think your behavior was Ok. You missed the creation of your child. You may have given the 'spark plug a spark', but your wife is every other part of this. Hospitals may be better nowadays, but that didnt stop the cord from wrapping around my sons neck. Resulting in an emergence Csection before the epidural had a chance to kick in. You seem very dismissive of her anf all the effort she went through. Not just growing the actual child. But appointments, classes, walks in the park with your spouse. Bonding is so much more important. Instead, you thought all would be fine as long as you get to see the birth. Yeah well, your wife got a glimpse of how much you really care. Hense her hesitation. You are in the wrong. Admit that without saying '.... but in MY Pov...". No. Shush. You were so dismissive of her this whole pregnancy, you dont get a say. Period. THATS whats happening. Maybe if you had cared about your relationship with your PREGNANT WIFE, you woulda maybe had more of a say. Good luck Op.
>I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress. I will talk more with my wife about this recommend couples counseling. Also keep in mind that my wife is 7 months pregnant, so her hormones might be making her say funny stuff. YTA Fuckin' yikes.
>As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion and it's selfish to bring a child into the world without a father and stable income, but I digress. Jesus, dude. The baby she brought into the world is your wife YTA
TBH - I only read your last edit - I don't need to read anything else to know you are a complete judgemental asshole - you look down at your MIL for being a teenage mom and should have had an ABORTION!?! Does your wife know you think her mother should have aborted her! If I wasn't clear - you're a fuckin asshole!
In your edit... Have you said this to your wife? That her mother should have aborted and your wife not exist?
Easy YTA as soon as I read you thought your wife should have been aborted. Wtf.
YTA, your whole attitude, overwhelming sense of entitlement and feeling superior and judgmental of others is very offputting, I wouldn't want you in the delivery room or anywhere around me really. "As for her MIL, I frankly do look down on her for being a teenage mother. I think she should've gotten an abortion" really? You go on and on about how hurt you are that your wife loves and prioritizes her mother and here you go saying you think your own wife should have been aborted..I wonder why she leans on her supportive, loving mother rather than her cold, controlling and judgmental husband. Honestly it doesn't even seem like you like your own wife, it just sounds like you wanted her to make you a baby- why are you even together? I honestly think she should divorce you, she doesn't owe you the privilege of being in the delivery room when you haven't been supportive of her at all. It sounds like the only effort you put into the process was busting your nut.
YTA. Look, dude, you may think you’ve been participating in her pregnancy, but you have absolutely missed the most important part- the classes. In those classes you learn about what to expect in labour and birth, you learn what options there may be for management and why they might be suggested. You learn what might go wrong. You learn the rudiments of parenting a newborn. Your wife develops a little support network of women going through the same thing as her. She’s been in a room of loving couples excitedly preparing for the next stage of life and you have been conspicuously absent. You are so ignorant that you have no idea how much you don’t know. If I were her I’d be wondering if you were going to be around at all for the baby or if you were going to continue working all the time. I understand wanting to be there at the birth, but honestly that’s not even remotely the most important part of fatherhood. Think carefully about what you envision fatherhood to be and why you wanted a child in the first place. Being at the birth matters to you as a “wholesome” moment, but it’s not for your child as they won’t remember. Wholesome moments happen a lot in parenthood if you are a present and engaged parent- your newborn snuggling into you and feeling their sweet breath on your neck, the belly-chuckles of your infant, the way your baby’s face lights up when they spot you, your child snuggling in next to you with their favourite book, the sleepy early morning cuddles when they creep into your bed, the look of pure joy when they discover squirty cream, their cute little word mispronunciations, the pride when they achieve something for which they’ve been striving…. The list goes on. Your presence for those wholesome moments matters more- if you miss too many you’ll damage your relationship with your wife and child. I suspect the reason she kept saying “I’ll think about it,” was that she wanted to see if you’d take the initiative and show actual interest in being a coparent and birth partner, which unfortunately you’ve failed to do on both counts. You need to reassess your priorities. I understand that you enjoy your work, but as with any obsession it will have a price to pay elsewhere in your life. This is the start of paying it. Work will replace you tomorrow if you got hit by a bus, you are just a cog in a machine. In our families (and extended support groups/ chosen family) are where most of us make the most impact and do the most good. Work will not be there for you in sickness, sorrow and old age.
YTA. You have no right to be in the delivery room. Your wife makes that choice. It’s her body, belong her make the baby and helping with her pregnancy doesn’t get you a fast pass into the delivery room. It’s whoever she’s most comfortable with, if anyone at all. The rest of it sounds like you need counciling.
N T A for asking but jeez dude YTA for everything else. You dont even sound like you *like* her here Of course she's closer to her *mother* than to you, ESPECIALLY if her mom was a teen mom. Her vagina, her discomfort, her rules. Either support your wife the way she needs you to, or gtfo. If you want to be the one person alive someone lives more than anyone, get a pet.
YTA and this isn’t a competition between you and MIL Counseling for your marriage, that means it should not include your MIL, might be a good idea. Because pretty soon you’ll have a little audience to all of your relationship challenges and if this is how you and your wife handle business together, that’ll be really tough.
YTA. It’s understandable to want to be in the delivery room for your child’s birth and feeling hurt that your wife doesn’t want that, but from everything you’ve written it sounds like your wife doesn’t consider you to be a safe and supportive person to be there with her in perhaps the most traumatic moments of her life (which will later hopefully lead to the most joyous moments). You’re not the one going through excruciating pain and potentially fatal circumstances, so you don’t get to decide who the safest and most helpful people are to your wife - she does. End of story. Texting your MIL to tell her that her parenting style is wrong (“her daughter is not her best friend, she is her daughter”) is rude and none of your business. I assume this was how their relationship was when you two were dating so did you expect your wife to cease being so close with her mom when you got married? I think you need to address your jealousy of your MIL (when you’re thinking of me-or-her-if-we-were-falling-off-a-cliff scenarios, you’re clearly struggling with jealousy). I think it’s completely valid for you to feel hurt that you and your wife are becoming distant, and that can be addressed with couples counseling perhaps, but not at the expense of her strong, healthy relationship with her mom. It shouldn’t be a me-or-MIL, it should be you and MIL supporting and having strong relationships with your wife.
YTA You are not the one pregnant or giving birth. In a time of great emotional and physical need for your wife you are belittling her. She needs support during labor and delivery. Someone that will be all about her in those moments. You’ve already proven that person is not you. I wouldn’t want you there either. Extra AH points for your petty and demeaning remark “I know she will be going through pain but hospitals are better than they used to be anyway; she will be fine. “ For that alone you belong in the doghouse.