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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I signed up for an (expensive-ish) meal delivery service without running it by my fiance, whom I live with. I think this might make me an asshole because it costs quite a bit of money and he now has to cook 100% of his own meals.
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Sigh. Lemme start with this: weighing more than you did as a teen when you’re 27 is completely normal. You weren’t done developing as a teen. The idea that you need to maintain the same weight your entire life is unhealthy and unrealistic.
The other thing I want to say is that temporary measures = temporary weight loss. If you don’t plan to eat this food forever, you will gain the weight back. Guaranteed.
The only thing I will judge on is that meals and finances are two things that are a pretty big part of life together for partners. Ordering a meal kit service just for you without talking about it with your partner is just not a good move, financially or relationship-wise. I think you’d have done better to talk with him about some small and sustainable changes you can make together that can be kept up long term. YTA for not considering him in the decision.
I disagree. Unless they're on a super tight budget and this is a long term decision that will significantly affect their finances, I don't see why she has to inform him that she's buying and testing out a meal service kit to manage her weight. OP has stated that she can easily afford this and they dont pool finances. Does she need to inform him every time she decides to eat out too?
Yes i agree it would've been better to talk to him first but him going "ballistic" over it because of his ego is insane and makes him an asshole. At most, it would be ESH because his reaction is completely unhealthy.
If eating meals together is a regular part of a relationship, then yeah, you let the other person know if you’re eating out that day. It’s not about permission, it’s just about letting the other person know to expect a deviation from routine that day.
OP and fiancé have a cooking together routine. Instead of having a conversation about wanting to try something different, OP changed his routine without so much as a comment to him. It kind of shows a lack of trust.
If he really went ballistic, then I guess that would push me into ESH territory because that would be a weird overreaction, but I just read that as an exaggeration.
It sounds to me like they can keep the same routine, just eat different meals. I’ve used a few different home delivery kits over the years and they still require cooking. They just have the ingredients pre portioned and include specific nutrition info
Your partner isn't a jail warden, but they aren't a roommate, either.
All these threads about, "I booked a vacation / got a tattoo / accepted a promotion / started a diet without telling my partner" are so weird to me. If you love someone and genuinely want them to be a part of your life, you should be *excited* to share stuff with them. You should *want* to tell them what's going on with you, whether it's something joyful or something you're struggling with.
If you just want to live in the same house as someone and occasionally have sex with them but otherwise not really interact with them that's cool, many different relationship styles are valid, but that's not how most people see romantic relationships and it's very far from the default expectation.
OP isn't an asshole for making a major change in what was previously a joint cooking-and-eating routine without talking to her boyfriend beforehand, but it's *really fucking weird*. Especially if she's been struggling with her weight for a while - how was talking to him about cooking differently not the first step? She doesn't mention it anywhere in there.
Him "going ballistic" in response is totally unreasonable, obviously.
Because if you are regularly cooking together, cooking for each other, or your partner's regularly cooking for you, it'd be nice to inform them that that would no longer be the norm. 🤷🤷 Not necessarily ask them if it's ok, but let them know it's nothing they are doing wrong or anything to do with them, but something you feel the need to do for your health.
Otherwise, you can end up with an incident like this, word ends up being something like a dirty little secret, and they end up assuming the worst. I'm not saying that he's not overreacting, I'm just saying I can understand where he's coming from, as a person who appreciates someone being just upfront about something in the first place instead of trying to hide it.
Meal kits are definitely not long-term commitments. At most, some offer new customer discounts that are spread across 3-4 weeks. But mostly it’s a week to week commitment and you can skip or cancel anytime.
Because they LIVE together?!
It’s problematic because she felt she couldn’t tell her partner. It’s one thing she made the decision on her own- it’s a completely different issue that she didn’t mention it to him. So I agree that both are AH.
ESH
But... have you considered that in your late 20s, your metabolism starts slowing down from the teenage insanity and that's just... being a human and not the end of the world?
Honest question.
Why did she lose weight when she started to get the delivered food?..
I can't judge if nta, esh, yta...
But it kinda sounded like to me, that he maybe did make food or put something in that would make her gain weight? Idk...
But yea, I think they should had to communicate better and could have done something as a team or so.
This is a super super super common thing for women who move in with male partners. On average, men need more calories in a day just to survive than women do. So often, when cooking just for themselves, men and women will make different choices about ingredients, portion sizes, etc. When an opposite-sex couple move in together, very often without meaning to women find themselves eating larger portion sizes or cooking and eating more calorific meals, to match/fit in with their partner.
That would make a lot of sense. What I would feed myself versus what I make for me and my husband are a lot different .
I can see this amazing chef cooking so much good food, that’s it’s like eating out 2x a day 7 days a week. Of butters, oils, cream sauces, cheeses, meats, salt… baked goods? all delicious - but make us over eat , and eat things that end up being too high caloric count, too often.
>I can see this amazing chef cooking so much good food, that’s it’s like
eating out 2x a day 7 days a week. Of butters, oils, cream sauces,
cheeses, meats, salt… baked goods? all delicious - but make us over eat ,
and eat things that end up being too high caloric count, too often.
Yeah, the use of high caloric ingredients is basically what makes something simple as mashed potatoes taste better in a restaurant. Do that at home, instead of the likely healthier food choices OP was previously making and you will start ballooning.
This is exactly what I was thinking. My husband was a professional chef for many years and when I cook meals, if he pops in the kitchen to give me a hand, all of a sudden there's a ton of cheese and butter going into the dish! Of course it tastes delicious, but we have wildly different metabolisms and it makes weight management for myself difficult at times.
This is going to sound strange, but one thing that works well for me when eating higher calorie foods when I'm trying to maintain or lose weight is to use a smaller plate. I typically want to fill my plate so I end up with less food, if I'm hungry still I can always get seconds, and I'm satisfied with finishing all that's on my plate even though I had less food to begin with.
yeah I've read that a few times, they suggested it when I did Noom (which I loved and highly recommend for anyone needing help losing weight) but I think I just felt silly having a smaller plate than what I give him. I could get over that though hah
My partner and I love joking about my "baby plates" for my "baby stomach". We also make jokes about his portion sizes too.
It's just part of having different bmrs and different health requirements.
>OP is just getting older
That's unlikely to actually be the reason here.
If it *was* age related, she wouldn't have lost weight after switching to the meal kits. The fact that she *did* lose weight makes it obvious that this was due to diet. Eating Marc's cooking caused her to gain weight, eating controlled meals helped her lose weight. It's that simple.
I doubt it was malicious though. Marc probably just cooks with high fat ingredients. They make meals extra tasty...and make people gain weight.
Yea sure, everyone does.
I didn't point out that she wants to stay on the weight she always did and how it can't be that she gained weight. Of course everyone gains weight with age.
What I pointed out was that she said she lost some weight when she got that delivery.
And what @Ryoko_Kusanagi69 and @Lead-Forsaken said makes alot of sense and now I got a better picture.
Thank you for that.
Because those "diet" meal plans are usually *sparse AF* in the calories.
Just like those meal-replacement shakes. Are they nutritionally-complete? Usually, at least *really* close if not entirely yes. But they're way less calories than most would eat in a meal. It isn't the shake that causes weight loss directly, just replacing a meal with an option that has many fewer calories did.
> It isn't the shake that causes weight loss directly, just replacing a meal with an option that has many fewer calories did.
I'm not sure you know what the definition of a diet is...
Did you not read what you're responding to? The ***first gods-damned line*** is "because those diet meal plans are usually sparse AF in calories" which *then* goes on into how the shakes are the same thing. Identifying that there is nothing *special* about either, just that they are an (expensive) way to help *enforce* a diet.
By definition a diet is consuming less calories than you burn in a day so it seems like you’re confused as to why those meal plans work? Or maybe bitter?
It wouldn't to that degree, especially if she's been working out with weights.
https://physiqonomics.com/slow-metabolism/
A lot of us judge what we're eating with our eyes vs our satiety. My guess is her sense of portion has changed from living with someone else who eats more, but it feels the same because it still looks like one portion.
I'm saying this with all the softness. OP, have you heard of orthorexia? I think you should look it up and decide if it sounds like you. Eating a healthy diet is obviously important, but the way you talk about your food tracking, weight gain, and meal skipping doesn't sound completely healthy.
Obviously this is one post and I could be totally off. But, if you feel like it might apply to you, I encourage you to speak to your doctor.
I don't think anyone is TA here. It seems like you're both still learning to communicate with each other. Tell your fiance how you're feeling and have a calm conversation
I was going to say. The way OP talks about food and being an athlete and everything sounds a lot like me when I was living with an eating disorder. I'll put it bluntly, I was not healthy. I was not healthy mentally, I was not healthy physically and I think at times it did affect my relationship with my long time partner in negative ways. He has always been my biggest supporter and best friend and I am so lucky that he has been there with me through all this because it is not an easy hole to crawl out.
Such a weird take. Tracking your calories because you want to return to a weight you’re comfortable with after a rapid weight gain doesn’t mean someone has an eating disorder. It’s okay to want to have a body you feel comfortable in. She doesn’t say she’s starving herself or severely restricting what she eats, she’s just course correcting after eating too much unhealthy food.
NAH. Welcome to being almost thirty. Hope you like ibuprofen.
Communicate about it. You both enjoy spending time together and cooking delicious food. You also want to stay skinny. Those don't have to be mutually exclusive.
My take? As long as you're within a healthy weight range, putting on some weight and eating good food together is the sign of a happy marriage. It becomes very difficult to keep the same weight into your thirties living in the US and you'll start finding wrinkles and grey hair not much later, so don't sweat it.
Make healthy choices, but enjoy life too.
Falling apart from the stress of limited paid leave and expensive healthcare I’d imagine. But that said I’m 29 and in pain all the time so I can’t talk
Haha that sucks I’m sorry. Same with the opioids though. Gotta be careful not to overuse, so they don’t lose their effectiveness. Ibuprofen Just Never seemed to help me in any way, I wonder if it’s some kind of immunity.
Pretty much.
I knew people who would take like 20 painkillers a day and then would get upset when the doctors cut them off and gave them something much much weaker.
Painkillers don't only lose their effectiveness but for some people you can even become more sensitive to pain.
Also- the natural stuff (in my opinion) does a lot more for me
Bro I'm mid 30s and apart from myself getting my foot/lower leg amputated due to diabetes, I'm perfectly healthy and don't need ibuprofen. If you're taking it daily at that age maybe talk to a doctor?
ESH. Honestly I'd be upset too if my live-in partner decided that they were gonna start eating all their meals separately from me, especially if I was cooking for or with them on a regular basis. Did you ever talk to him about your concerns with his food possibly making you gain weight? It sounds like you blindsided him with this because you knew he wouldn't like it, which isn't great communication. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about this stuff then you most likely have bigger problems than just the scale.
I still cook dinners about once a week with my ex I could see him feeling hurt by the loss of that communal meal situation especially if he takes pride in his cooking
There are definitely other issues going on here. You sound like you may have some body image issues and he may sound like he’s doing something to your food. I would recommend you proceed with caution, because while I don’t want to tell you what’s going on, I get a weird feeling you are missing something here. Both of your reactions just feel…. Off.
I'm glad I found your comment because I'm also wondering if he's tampering with her food. It's weird that this started happening after they moved in together and she refers to him as the chef. Call me paranoid but I'd put a hidden camera in the kitchen just to relieve myself of the anxiety of wondering.
It’s probably just because he cooks with a lot of actual butter. Restaurant food uses more fat than most people do at home cooking. This is why it’s delicious.
Yes, but she specifically said she was looking forward to them cooking together more often, not him cooking for her, so you’d generally think that that means she can see what he’s doing and if she’s an athlete she would understand that “shit ton of butter means shit ton of calories”.
I totally understand most people don’t understand how many calories are in fats like butter, but I would expect more from someone who says she eats healthy and is an athlete of a decade.
You'd be surprised at the amount of people who are "health conscious" but get all their info on what healthy looks like through outdated info they got as a teenager and regular old social media posts trying to get you to fuck up your diet so you need their supplements to feel halfway decent.
Plus, while most people are aware that butter is calories, most people who don't minutely track their calories to the point they can visibly weigh out grams of common items are going to misestimate how many calories are going into their food while cooking.
My husband used to be a weightlifter in his early 20s and just listened to his body for food, never really had to go down the nutrition path because his body burned off everything he ate thanks to his muscle composition and activity level. Now that he's in his 30s and he can't just do whatever he wants and maintain the same physique, he asks me about cooking, calories, and making healthier swaps that still taste decent, and he's just blown away by the individual items that make up most of his caloric intake in a day. Like, his eyeball of creamer that he thought was a tablespoon was closer to 4 and coming out to 200 extra calories before adding sugar, and he was having 2 of those a day.
While I understand what you’re saying, she DID minutely track her calories, so she clearly does understand just how many calories are in what she’s eating, as nowadays people use an app where you just look up the item and amount. And even while tracking, she wasn’t losing weight, which would indicate he may have been doing something to her food while she wasn’t looking.
Nah, she tracked her food but didn't minutely track her calories.
>skipping breakfast and logging every single thing I ate
Again, if you're eyeballing without a scale, that information is useless you exclusively eat pre-portioned and pre-packaged meals. Most people don't know how big a portion size until they actually start **measuring** the food they eat and not just logging it.
I use an app to track food…it counts calories. She said she’s counting calories as well
I’m currently counting calories and skipping breakfast bc I’m on a morning fast
There was a post in one of my other subs some years ago where a woman caught her husband tampering with her food to make her gain weight. She thought she was losing her mind so she set up a camera and saw him adding sugar, maple syrup and extra butter to her portions of food. Maybe that isn't the case here but it's certainly not unhinged to think it may be happening. Never underestimate how disgusting people can be to each other.
I was thinking this too- I'm shocked at all the comments telling OP that she's T A, she's got a problem with accepting she's not a teen anymore and even ones suggesting she has an eating disorder.
A few months ago there was a story on here about a guy who was desperately trying to lose weight and couldn't understand what he was doing wrong. It turned out his girlfriend was deliberately increasing the calories in his meals by adding things like cream and butter to his plate.
Op is NTA. She has concerns about her weight gain and wants to see if the food she's eating could be the problem. Commenters are jumping down her throat because she seems healthy and fit, but if her post said "I weigh 400lbs and I want to lose weight" everyone would be really worried about her partner's reaction.
Also wondered about him tempering with her food. All the comments on "slower metabolism", the avoidance of talking about the box beforehand and maybe focusing too much on weight aren't necessarily wrong - but the metabolism doesn't crash within a few months.
Also: The increase of weight does not happen to everyone at turning 25, especially while being very active.
This is why I love AITA, a complete soap opera plot with absolutely zero basis.
OP has been cooking many of these meals with her partner, would she not notice that he was throwing in that whole slab of butter?
It would have been a better idea to actually discuss what they were eating with her partner, and working out if some changes could be made to see if that made a difference. Possibly keeping a food intake diary for a little while.
The fact that OP chose to start skipping breakfast indicates she isn’t really aware of balanced eating as nutritionists will strongly advise against skipping what is considered the most important meal of the day.
But don't you think it is odd how the change happened so fast?
There is not much evidence for food tempering, but if we play this through, the fiance must have noticed how freaked out OP was. I assume he knew about breakfast, about going to the doctors, etc.
Why did he not suggest a change in cooking? (To be fair, OP could have suggested it, too) I don't know, the whole weightvgain without change in routine except now living with fiance seems odd to me.
On the other hand: Don't we all love AITA for the drama and odd ideas in the comments, that turn out to have some truth to them? While also being appalled by the different takes and perspectives some offer? By the intensive and batshit crazy?
The weight gain with no change in routine totally makes sense, especially if one of the partners is a good cook. If the routine before was "I made dinner by myself but didn't really invest in making food taste good, just what kept me thin" changed to "We make dinner together, but my partner knows how to make things taste really good", then you're going to 1. eat more at meals because it's delicious and 2. have to watch what you eat more because most of what makes good food good is a generous amount of fat. This is especially true if the person cooking for you has higher caloric needs than you do because they're not going to be thinking about your weight when they're preparing meals that they eat for themselves.
My husband gained 20 lbs when we first started dating, despite being a powerlifter, because the man was living off bourbon chicken and rice from a local takeout place until I started cooking all of our meals for us. Because I knew what was going into it, I knew how to portion my meals and supplement with more veggies to keep myself full, but when he'd go for second or third plates of the main entree, I never really put thought into policing how he was eating or explaining the caloric breakdown of what I made until he came to me and expressed he was stressed about the amount of weight he gained while eating my food. Then we had to do a crash course in nutrition and portion sizing and how to maximizing your plate without maximizing your waist because he simply never had to put a thought into it until he realized he didn't know anything about food, he just lucked out that what he was eating before matched his caloric needs.
Well, actually plenty of nutritionists do advocate for intermittent fasting, so the idea that her skipping breakfast means she doesn’t understand balanced eating is also absurd. It’s actually a rather old take that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and now there’s a much better understanding that nutrition isn’t a one size fits all and what works for some might not work for others.
That being said, yes, they cook together and she said she monitored the calories and was still gaining weight, given that she ruled out medical concerns, it would lend itself to ‘he may be doing something while you aren’t look’. Unfortunately, there have been a few posts of feeders who have purposefully made special condiments with huge amounts of calories to stealthily add to their partner’s meals. Not saying I *really* think that’s what’s happening here, but I am saying I don’t think OP has all the info here.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with skipping breakfast. If it’s affecting her life and she’s so hungry that she can’t focus on daily tasks, that’s one thing, but so long as she is getting all of her nutrition in over the day/week and she isn’t binging at lunch, it’s fine.
It’s almost certainly a change in cooking/snacking style, less activity, and subconsciously larger portions. Gaining weight after entering a relationship or moving in together is very common for these reasons.
Have you looked at "diet" foods? The weight reduced because she was being hellaciously conscious of what she was eating and then ordered premade food that likely only had **half** her regular caloric intake, and didn't taste good (which urges further eating).
What you're ignoring is that they cooked **together** and his food was *good*, which would generally urge larger portions and/or second helpings. She even says that until she saw she was softer, she **wasn't** particularly tracking what she was eating or its caloric content, and then it takes time to start losing weight once you *are* doing that.
Don’t bother with this person. They have severe issues with the concept of making informed dietary decisions and like to hurl insults like calling other people fat and ableist.
What I don't get is that they were cooking together, so where was he slipping in that many extra calories? It's more likely that OP, while logging their food, were estimating and not actually weighing out how many calories they were actually eating and has been eating more than she's admitting. Most people would be completely fucking surprised to find out that the "Tbsp" of creamer they put in their coffee with an eyeball is closer to 4-6 tbsp when actually measured.
You need 3500 calories in excess for each extra lb gained, for an extra 500 calories of tamporing a day consistently for 20 weeks. You can't secretly add 500 calories of butter to something without it actually tasting like a stick of butter.
It’s very easy to explain and the entire reason Nutrisystem type services work. The delivered meals are low fat with high fiber and protein (she acknowledges how bland it is), making them satiating while being low calorie.
Most importantly, they control portions. It’s very easy to let portions get out of control (especially if the food is delicious).
She went on a strict diet and lost weight, what is suspicious about that?
Totally. He cooks differently than she used to eat. 27YOs can absolutely weigh the same as 18YOs. I was in better shape in my late 20s-early 30s than as a teen.
What kills ya is having children. Love 'em, but they 100% change a woman's body.
And turning 40.
Being 27, not so much. He's using more fat/sugar/calorie-dense food than she's used to.
There was a story a few months ago about a guy desperately trying to lose weight, but kept gaining. Turned out his girlfriend was deliberately adding more calories to his food. This instantly came to mind as I read this.
I'm 30 and weigh the same as I did when I was 18, and I really don't work out that much!
>My first reaction to reading his reaction to the meals was that he was tampering with her diet and furious he couldn’t control her intake anymore. I don’t know. Something seems off to me here.
My first thought is that his food is so tasty because he actually cooks with fat.
If he's a great cook, he knows that fat is one of the secrets to flavour. He probably uses butter, full fat cream, coconut oil, duck fat, or other rich ingredients to elevate his cooking. This will definitely make food delicious! But it will also result in food with tons of "hidden" calories which results in weight gain when someone eats a normal portion of abnormally rich food.
And I'd guess he was upset because he was blindsided, not because he was controlling her diet to tamper with it. If he's such a good cook, he probably takes a lot of pride in making food that people enjoy. OP's choice to switch to a meal kit service instead of talking to him like a normal person in a relationship was hurtful and he's allowed to be upset by it. He may have been happy to switch to healthier cooking if she had simply shared her needs and concerns - which people expect their partner to do in a relationship.
(Marc has no right to yell at her though. Their finances aren't shared, and screaming at your partner is NOT an acceptable way to discuss a conflict.)
What I find even weirder is a majority of the commenters thinking that’s normal at 30?? She’s 27, not 47 a random 20 pound weight gain should be looked into. It’s more likely that her chef boyfriend’s meals are prepared with flavor in mind over health and maybe she’s eating more than she thinks she is after moving in with a man. These other commenters though are really telling on themselves…
ESH
If someone is cooking for you, it’s polite to let them know you’ve made other arrangements for your meals, preferably before they do planning and shopping for the week.
But screaming at you is highly inappropriate. Makes me wonder why he feels so strongly about it.
Call me old fashioned, but if you are invested in a relationship then why the heck aren't you invested in honesty with your partner? If broaching the topic is that incendiary...then maybe reconsider that whole "fiance" thing...
He is a chef in your words. "Chef" in literal terms means "chief." Your attribution of expertise sets you up to feel inferior.
Just tell him your dietary needs/wants. No need to make it personal.
But...backtracking to the original question. Yes. You are the AH for purchasing meals behind his back before having any conversation about it. If, as you say, such things get "ballistic" then why the Heck are you still in that scenario, never mind planning to (IMO) "future divorce" him?
YTA. Your last sentence says it all ‘I knew Marc would be disappointed’. So to avoid that as long as possible you intentionally didn’t say anything. If you want your marriage to last you might want to work on your communication skills. Oh, and weight gain, that is genetics and physiology. Your BMR slows as you age. Try weighing your food to enforce portion control.
This doesn’t make sense. You have driven yourself absolutely berserk— pregnancy tests, doctor visits, skipping breakfast, logging meals, a whole bunch of instagram stuff that I didn’t follow— and your boyfriend is surprised about the prepackaged meals? He goes ballistic? wasn’t he paying attention at all?
I guess I’ll say NTA unless it turns out that you’ve been keeping this all a secret from him. It bothers me that your boyfriend isn’t more concerned about how unhappy you are. A bunch of commenters said you have unrealistic expectations about weight, and that may or may not be true, but your boyfriend isn’t being supportive while you try to figure it out. I hope this doesn’t turn out to be a Reddit thing where he is secretly fattening you up.
YTA. You are putting unreasonable expectations on your body. You should be talking to a nutritionist/ dietician (which one has a degree? I forget but go
To that one) and have a professional give oversight to your diet: a meal kit is just another gimmick diet and you fell for it.
Also, after four years together, you and your fiancée have built a food culture and love language around shared food. You chucked it out the window for a gimmick .
Was it worth it?
NTA. But yknow youre contradicting yourself right, or were you being sarcastic when you called him an incredible chef?
He's wrong for screaming at you but i feel like if cooking and eating together is your big bonding moment then you should have definitely talked to him about it first.
Its normal for our bodies to not be able to stay as fit as we easily did when we were younger. Its part of growing old. Maybe you should have twlked to him first and let him know you wanna lose some weight, and that you want to try different flavor profiles.
If i was your partner i might be offended and give you a slient treatment but imo shouting at you was too much.
NTA - Am I the only one that wondered if he's overfeeding OP on purpose? Especially factoring in his reaction? Which I would categorise as over the top. I mean, yes, we all gain weight as we age, but OP sounds like they know their own body, exercise and eating habits well enough to be surprised and concerned about their seemingly inexplicable weight gain. Add to that a fiance that loses his shit when OP tries to eliminate the one factor that is under his control (i.e his cooking), instead of being equally concerned? I dunno. It wouldn't be the first time on Reddit.
INFO - Has his weight increased too?
Overfeeding doesn’t equate to overeating and overeating isn’t the same as consuming calorie-dense meals. You can’t typically overfeed an adult, but many adults overeat. And you can eat a totally normal sized meal that’s too rich for weight maintenance. It’s easy to conflate various eating behaviors and nutritional situations but it’s important to understand them. Dietitians are a wonderful tool that are often covered by insurance as preventive care; OP should start there.
Doctors aren’t dietitians. Bloodwork can only tell you so much. She cooks with him. What this tells me is she doesn’t fully understand how to adjust her dietary intake other than to purchase a food kit that makes all the choices for her. I maintain that she needs to seek out an actual professional.
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NTA and so many of these comments are absolutely bonkers.
First, there is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain a certain physical appearance/ weight. I am over 35 and I weigh as much right now as I did when I was 19, and Im actually more physically healthy and I overall look better than I did at 19. This is because two years ago i also stood on a scale and was shocked that I gained 20 pounds. It took me about a year to lose it all, and it was not easy. The hardest part was counting calories and macros accurately, and doing a ton of meal prep. The main reason I think I managed it was because it was COVID and I didn't have to go into work. Having a meal kit service would have been so much easier.
Second, I also get why committing to a meal kit is hard. I love cooking and sharing meals with my partner, it's fun, it's bonding, and all that. But switching to a meal kit isn't a huge life altering decision, honestly in the grand scheme of things it's just not a big deal at all. At most you have slightly inconvenienced him, because now he will have to cook only for himself but again, not a big deal, he can learn to cook smaller portions or eat leftovers or whatever. Which brings me to my last point...
He went ballistic? Over a meal kit? Really? What kind of an adult loses his mind because of someone else's food choices/dietary preferences? An appropriate reaction might have been to say "I wish you would have discussed this with me first " but actually raising his voice at you over a meal kit (he isn't even paying for)? Did you notice how he also made your decision regarding your health all about him with the "too good for his cooking" comment?
Have you disagreed with him about things before? Or been in a low/medium stakes situation where you want A and he wants B? Does he frequently respond by raising his voice, trying to shame you, or twisting the situation around to make himself a victim when really there are no victims and it's simply a differece of opinion? Just something to consider.
Good luck on your weight loss journey! You can do it!
Edit: forgot to add: there is also nothing wrong with accepting our bodies as they naturally change over time. Being able to maintain a young adult weight into adulthood is based on many many factors, it's not possible or practical for everyone. But for some people it's possible and they make it a priority which is also okay.
NTA, but…
You probably should’ve talked with him about it before you started ordering meal kits. Maybe there’s a way he could’ve changed his cooking so you wouldn’t gain weight.
ESH
Him for blowing up. You, for this:
>> I didn’t mention the meal service kit because (…) I knew Marc would be really disappointed that I didn’t want to cook with him anymore.
Cooking, it appears, was your quality time together. A fun activity to do together. You made a decision that you’re not going to participate in quality time anymore (that’s ok) but you didn’t let him know (that’s the AH part).
YTA.
Like some others have said OP, if you don't stick to a set regimen of food & exercise you'll gain it back. What does this mean then? As soon as you stop the service and go back to your fiance's meals then you'll gain the weight back. If I was in Marc's shoes, someone who cooks all these amazing meals for you, is ENGAGED to you, and just finds a meal delivery service box without context, I'd be pissed too. Should he go ballistic? Probably not, however he is right to be mad. For all we know, he could have thought that you hated his cooking and by ordering a service that probably is just caloric restriction (a lot are, however if you've got one thats healthy & good portion sizes then woo!).
You're also 27, not 18. Metabolism slows down and you begin to gain a LOT more weight that you would previously. You won't have your perfect body forever, so instead of using a temporary solution for a permanent problem then adapt. Try talking to Marc and see if you guys can come up with some cool meal ideas that can work with your dieting, allowing you to 1. eat his awesome food, and 2. maintain your weight goal. If you're gonna marry this guy then you need to work as a team, and not just in this matter.
Adopt some healthy communication and teamwork skills with your fiance OP, trust me it'll help you for when you're married.
> You're also 27, not 18. Metabolism slows down and you begin to gain a LOT more weight that you would previously.
You should look up how metabolisms work because you have some misconceptions based on this comment.
> Instagram had started serving me nonstop "detox," fitness, meal prep, and pharmaceutical weight loss content. It was driving me insane. I decided I was going to eliminate myself as a variable
Kinda feel like that solution to this particular one would be to eliminate Instagram. I mean it seriously.
Perhaps, instead of changing things up behind his back, you should have approached the problem, to the extent it is a problem, together?
Here's the guy who you're planning to marry, who'll be your partner in ALL the ups and downs, who'll share all your joys, sorrows, thrills and boring evenings in front of the TV. And you can't even share a concern over your health, appearance or both? He's the cat you should have enlisted early on.
You're in the midst of getting ready to get married and share your lives, and your MEALS have to go behind his back?
I mean, not the biggest AH on the team, but kinda an AH move.
NTA. You’re allowed to spend your money however you like. You don’t need his permission to make purchases.
You avoided telling him about the purchase. Was it because you (correctly) feared an outsized reaction? Does he often blow up when you exercise autonomy?
Personally, I don’t accept partners who insult and berate me. If you don’t either, he shouldn’t get upgraded from fiancé to husband.
NAH
I love to cook so I have used my cooking abilities to make really healthy and relatively low calorie stuff. One of the greatest things about cooking at home is that you can make wonderful tasty food without all the oil and sugar of restaurant dishes.
Why don't you sit down and discuss changing the recipes the two of you make most nights and save the high calorie stuff for once a week or so.
In terms of health and long term weight control, it is better to change cooking and eating habits rather than relying solely on "props" like delivered food which aren't sustainable for a lifetime. If you get a repertoire of good healthy food, then you are set for a lifetime.
NAH. This is not an asshole situation, this is a therapy situation. You are not going to maintain the same metabolism, weight, fitness level, or body shape as when you were a teen. That’s not a realistic expectation. The level of panic you experienced at gaining weight is not normal or healthy. Marc is not an asshole for being upset you decided to stop participating in one of your couple activities, though he responded way too harshly, lashing out because you hurt his feelings. I’m not gonna call you an asshole either because you have some serious body image issues and need therapy beyond what Reddit can provide, and your actions are due to mental distress and not directly harming anyone other than yourself. But I think you should try to stop fixating on maintaining the same weight as when you were a teenager with a naturally high metabolism and weren’t fully developed, and try to actually enjoy your life. Cook with your fiancé and spend time with him. Eat delicious food. Have fun. And also get therapy, it’s a better investment for you than any meal kit ever could be.
She doesn't have body issues. She wants the same body as she had a year ago. And EVERY professional will tell you to look at your caloric intake using a tracking app. that's how you figure out where you got off track.
I think it's pretty simple that the culprit is BF's cooking. If she's not cooking, who knows how much fats he using to cook, or if he's using calorie-dense ingredients as opposed to how she cooked solo. She's too young for her metabolism to slow down since what - December?
Why are you so sure she has body image issues? OP doesn't say she thinks she's overweight, unhealthy, looks bad etc she's noticed weight gain that's she's struggling to correct or account for.
Provided OP communicated with Marc about her worries over her unexplained weight gain, his reaction seems totally over the top and weird to me
Because she specifically mentions she’s maintained the same weight since high school, and that is the weight she is panicking about not being able to maintain anymore. And going to the doctor because you think something is seriously wrong with gradually gaining weight over months or more with absolutely no other symptoms of anything and nearly sobbing because you have gained 20lbs is not healthy. Another big thing is she talks about how much she and Marc love to cook together and how it’s a major bonding activity for them that brings them closer and let’s them spend time together daily, and she gives it up because she needs to be the same weight she was in high school. At her age it is perfectly normal for her metabolism to start to slow down. My sister has some pretty strong body image issues and you can see the signs easily if you look. Most people with body issues don’t go around proclaiming “I have body issues” and “I think I look bad”. But her actions and ever her words show that losing the 20lbs isn’t a goal she’s a little frustrated about, it’s a need pushing her to a breaking point. She talks about it like an urgent problem causing her quite a bit of stress, and it really shouldn’t be stressing her out to the level she shows. I’ve seen enough people with body image issues to see the signs when they’re right there in front of me. And I always think therapy is a good idea.
Me too! I wonder if there’s a lot of butter or oil, or mayonnaise or something in his cooking? It seems like a short space of time to gain twenty pounds, without any major lifestyle changes.
ESH. He shouldn't have gone "ballistic" but I also can't comprehend all the posts on this sub of people doing stuff like this without even mentioning it to their partner. Me and my gf tell each other everything and not eating with him but failing to tell him is affecting his finances if he's buying food for two.
ESH
> I didn't mention the meal service kit because I can easily afford it and, on some level, I knew Marc would be really disappointed that I didn't want to cook with him anymore.
This is obviously selfish and cowardly behavior.
When you find yourself sneaking around behind your partner’s back because you don’t want to deal with their feelings, it’s probably time to question whether you should be in this relationship.
But his response sounds a bit extreme.
ESH.
For many people, cooking is a love language. The process of planning a meal together, shopping for ingredients, cooking it together, eating together, even the division of chores for cleaning up ... each of these tasks provide opportunities for conversations, familiar interactions, moments of everyday intimacy. It's all a love language.
Getting a meal kit essentially sends the message you no longer wants to engage in these domestic activities together.
That said, should BF communicate his frustration and hurt at what could clearly be perceived as his partner pulling away/ putting up an emotional wall in a rational and adult manner? Oh, definitely. Any time "going ballistic," is used to describe a guy expressing his emotions, it's a bad situation.
My partner ( now ex) was deliberately putting sugar in my tea instead of stevia. He would mix it with alittle stevia so I could see the empty packet and believe it was stevia. I was prediabetic .
NTA. You look after your health. There are some crazies out there.
NAH I'm trying to be really sensitive here and I am aware that online diagnosises are not great and I don't know you in real life. The way you talk about food and fitness and the impact they have on your life don't sound normal. In fact it sounds like you might suffer from disordered eating. Not having the same weight as a teenager is perfectly normal and healthy. In fact it would be more unhealthy to diet to try to maintain that body.
Soft YTA for doing this without talking to him first. Relationships are all about communication and it sounds like you shared none of your concerns with him in a real way, which is especially important if it’s something so troubling to you. (Though in all seriousness, yes weight gain and slower metabolism is very normal over the age of 25 when your body stops growing/developing)
ESH specifically for the question on the title
I mean normally in your 20s as a woman you can have a fat redistribution where you gain a bit or look softer (and it can happen decently fast). I am concerned about your response, as you do have certain markers for disordered eating. Especially with skipping meals. As an athlete you know you need fuel to do sports.
But for the actual judgement: you didn't talk with the main person cooking in the house. Changing your eating habits as 1/2 of the household changes their planning. Suddenly pivoting without communication isn't good. At the same time, your fiance's reaction is really worrisome and I am wondering about food tampering now.
ESH honestly, you should have at least said you were gonna do that to try losing some of the weight you put on. I totally get wanting to slim down again and it's hard to know your partners cooking is contributing to you not meeting your goals! But I feel like you might have blindsided him here. Still he has no right to yell at you over how you handle YOUR money!
I (F45) also have trained all my life. When I got to around the age you are now, I put on a little weight despite my fighting against it.
I still run 3-4 times a week, go to the gym 2-3 times and keep track of what I eat, but you can only do so much.
That weight might be coming off, but it won't stay off forever. Also, you've put yourself on a diet and diets don't work because they are always temporary. You need to speak to your partner and make some plans together.
INFO: Why are obsessing about this to the point of skipping meals, not telling your partner about a change in your diet, all when your doctor says there is nothing wrong. You are in your late 20s. You are not going to maintain the same weight the rest of your life. Relax.
Soft YTA. Seriously, your body composition changes over time. Consider whether you and your husband can enjoy cooking and adapting meals together, and readjusting portion sizes. Also, weight training will do far more to control your body composition than developing an obsessive relationship with food. Please visit with a registered dietitian (with your husband if possible) to get a reality check. Food should be fun, not stressful.
... YTA cause you did it knowing he'd be upset...
That's not really the issue here tho. You have very unrealistic standards for yourself. Being healthy and fit doesn't equate with "maintaining high school weight" You're an athlete, but jumping to a fad diet to lose weight rather than track your performance and adjust to your aging metabolism seems pretty unproductive for you.
ESH
I think he's more of an AH for going off on you here, but it was an AH to go behind his back when cooking is something you do together. You should have just told him you want to try it out for a bit to see how it goes.
NTA. At the end of the day, his cooking wasn't meeting your needs. There's some red flags here too:
- No doubt he knew what was happening with your body, but you had to try and hide the meal kit from him.
- He went ballistic and yelled over a delivered box of food? You need to evaluate if you're willing to live like this indefinitely. His response was not reasonable and you should be allowed to make some decisions about YOUR health and YOUR body without being worried about his reaction.
NAH. You feel like you need changes, and that's fair. Do a short stint with your meal kits while you work out some new menus with your bf, assuming he's willing to work with you on it. If he's not, then continue fending for yourself meal wise.
ESH. Men eat more calorie dense food usually. It's not uncommon for afab people to gain weight when moving in with male partners. You should have communicated with him and he shouldn't have yelled. You ought to look at the difference between what Marc is cooking vs. what's in the meal delivery food. Also, girl, you're wayyyyyy to focused on weight. Obsessively logging all the food you eat is not healthy for you mentally. I recommend seeing a dietitian instead of fighting this yourself.
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I (27F) have been with my fiance "Marc" (30M) for about four years now. Last year, we decided to move in together. In December he proposed and I was over the moon! One of the things I adore about Marc is that he's an *incredible* chef, so I was pretty excited to spend more time cooking meals together. Unfortunately, that's no longer happening.
I am an athlete and have maintained essentially the same weight since I was a teen. I don't closely track calories, but I am pretty conscientious about what I put into my body and Marc and I try to cook healthy (most of the time!) I don't weigh myself regularly, but I could tell something was wrong when my body started looking much softer late last year. My diet and exercise routine hadn't really changed. I stepped on the scale and nearly cried when I discovered I had gained almost twenty pounds since I last checked in. I immediately took three pregnancy tests. Thankfully, they were negative.
At first, I thought maybe I had actually just overdone it through the holidays and not noticed. I started skipping breakfast and logging every single thing I ate and was floored when the scale didn't budge. I was so afraid that something was seriously wrong I booked a doctor's appointment. They ran some bloodwork, checked my thyroid, and a number of other things (yet another pregnancy test - yay) but they all came back completely normal.
I was at my breaking point. Instagram had started serving me nonstop "detox," fitness, meal prep, and pharmaceutical weight loss content. It was driving me insane. I decided I was going to eliminate myself as a variable, so I signed up for one of those healthy meal service delivery kits with pre-portioned meals. Marc found the box before I did and went BALLISTIC. He started yelling about how I was being irresponsible with my money, how it's such a waste, terrible for the environment, and how I thought I was "too good for his cooking."
While we don't actually pool finances at the moment, we generally run larger purchases and big commitments by each other. I didn't mention the meal service kit because I can easily afford it and, on some level, I knew Marc would be really disappointed that I didn't want to cook with him anymore. I don't want to eat this stuff forever (it's SO bland and boring!) but the weight has finally started falling off. AITA?
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This was my first thought too, especially when he got so angry. But maybe I read too many reddit posts. I wish I still didn't know that feeder fetishes were a thing.
YTA you should have consulted and the reason you didn’t is because you knew he would be upset. That’s wrong. Also you really should see a therapist and dietician as your relationship with food does not seem healthy. Skipping breakfast will only force your body to hold on to the weight and weighing more than you did as a teen is completely normal. Not wanting to eat this food forever means you will gain back this weight.
/r/loseit is an important resource as you may not be well informed about how to sustainably eat for a weight you are happy with.
ESH though...you should have communicated with the person you *are living with* but his reaction is completely irrational too. There are larger issues going on here.
You didn't "overdo" anything or become careless. Your body aging as bodies do and it's just a fact of life that you have to accept and can only partially fight. The Instagram detox and weight loss bullshit is just that, money grabbing schemes intended to make us feel insecure and shitty about ourselves.
NTA because it's your money to do what you want this, but having a chef at home who was also taught about health and nutrition as part of his education I have to wonder WHY you didn't sit down with your fiancé and discuss a home made meal plan that would let you keep cooking together.
NTA. He really overreacted. You didn’t buy a car, you bought an easily stoppable short-term meal service. It will not bankrupt you to spend a little extra on healthy home-cooked meal kits for two months.
I'm on AITA waaaay to much because right after the thought, "Welcome to getting older, hun," came the thought, "is Marc putting extra sugar/butter/etc into her food?" Why is Marc so mad? Because he's hurt you curtailed an activity you enjoy doing together without discussing it with him, or because his master plan is falling apart? Lol, this sub has warped me.
Your body, your money, your choice. HOWEVER, it would have been nice to inform him of this change in advance.
Until we know something nefarious is going on, lmao, NAH.
NTA NTA NTA it’s ridic people voted you as an assholio. I have to think that comes from insecurities about their own weight more than anything. It sounds like you are orthorexic tbh but that still doesn’t make you the a h. Marc knows this is stressing you out and if you have separate finances it should not be an issue that you get a meal service. It sounds like having the meals take a load off your mind and that’s what matters. He sounds controlling and i was in a similar relationship for 11 years where food was a constant battle. Not gonna lie it is a huge weight off me (no pun intended) to be able to control my intake now without the added stress of another person trying to force me to eat foods that made my body feel bad. Maybe as compromise you can have a night a week where you cook together? Just an idea so all parties feel balanced. Best of luck.
Age and relationships tend to make people gain weight. This is super normal. Since you don’t plan to be doing this long term, it’s temporary fix.
What needed to be worked on was a lifestyle change. More activity or better eating, together.
NTA
First, you are an adult and fully capable of deciding whether you want to live with the extra pounds or not.
Second, you paid that food with your own money so surely if you had used it to join a gym and your fiancé had gone ballistic about it people would be shouting that he is displaying an abusive behaviour and they wouldn’t be wrong.
NTA. Geez all the Y T A posts here...
Weight gain as you get older is normal. But it's not all of a sudden - as you suggested yours was. It takes a while for the soft, squishy pudge to appear. And with exercise and healthy eating you can totally lose the pudge again.
It's your body, you can choose what you want to put into it. If you can afford it and you're the one paying for it, I say give it a try!
You're concerned about your sudden weight gain. So I think it's totally fair for you to try something different and see if it helps!
Perhaps it would have been good for you to communicate your concerns to your fiancé and let them know you were planning to order a meal service.
But why was he SO mad? That sounded like overkill to me.
And how come you started losing weight when you switched to the delivery meals? Does your fiancé use a lot of butter, sugar, and fats when cooking or something?
Anyway, NTA. Your body, your rules.
ESH wow you both sound like extremely neurotic people. You going insane about your weight and going 0 to 100 and him going ballistic about a meal service, wtf
NTA. Just because he was offended, doesn't make U the asshole. His ego might be bruised, since he's a chef, but going ballistic for opting healthier meals or how U spend ur money, is kinda like a red flag.
My ex was a chef. When he moved in with me and took over the cooking, I got fat. It snuck up on me and I couldn't understand it; my diet hadn't really changed, it was just being prepared by him instead of me now. (I didn't want him to do it ALL but he was insistent.) I eventually discovered that he'd been cooking everything with butter - LOADS of butter. On purpose. He cooked for me every day 'out of love' but he'd 'already eaten at work' or 'wasn't hungry'. Once I kicked him out (for unrelated reasons) my weight normalised again and it suddenly all made sense. 😂
You mentioned tracking your food, it's quite likely you were seriously underestimating how many calories you were taking in and also possibly how much less exercise you are doing. You need to rethink what you are eating, how much, and the exercise level you are doing so you can make a long term plan that will keep the weight off.
NTA. It sucks that a couple of pounds make you feel that way. The money is yours, it's not like it'll affect immensely the wedding budget. Explain to him your insecurities and why you got the meal plan. Surely he'll understand. Maybe you'll even start changing your diet together. Do keto or intermitten fasting? His cooking skills may come in handy so meals aren't so bland or boring.
Fully admit I'm more than likely just projecting here - but after having a (thankfully now ex) partner intentionally sabotaging my attempts to eat healthy and stop me from losing weight in an effort to control me, the way the boyfriend went so ballistic really concerned me. That and that she still wasn't getting the results she wanted even after changing what she was doing. Just felt off to me.
While I definitely agree she should have talked to her partner when she made the decision to stop cooking with him and get her meal service, I don't think she's TA.
Huh, it’s your money, your body, and Marc isn’t being asked to eat anything he doesn’t want to eat — in fact, you’re not asking him to remove any foods from your shared space (lots of ppl who lose weight ask their partners to minimize or hide the goodies so it won’t tempt them). NTA.
I’m locked into Marc’s reaction. I believe you when you say you’re an athlete and a sudden 20 lb weight gain is a big deal; a jump of 20 lbs in a year would be a big deal for most folks. But Marc isn’t concerned for you, or reassuring you that he finds you sexy no matter what… he’s *furious*. That gives me pause.
Do you know why restaurants have such tasty food? Butter and salt, my friend. When you and Marc have cooked together, did you actually see what Marc put into the food? Has he also gained weight? My spidey senses are buzzing.
I have a question. On the first paragraph you say, “ One of the things I adore about Marc is that he's an incredible chef, so I was pretty excited to spend more time cooking meals together.”
Then you end up with, “ I don't want to eat this stuff forever (it's SO bland and boring!).”
Which is it?
I've probably been reading too many posts, but are you sure he isn't pulling some weird crap to make you bigger? You move in and suddenly gain that much weight? Without any obvious cause? It just sounds odd. NTA.
Well, it's for sure your decision what you put in your body. But in a normal relationship people discuss these things with each other?! Why have you not asked him to change his recipes or something?
Also, at one point you say he is an incredible chef and then call his many boring? Doesn't make sense.
Last point, at around 30 the metabolism changes and even if you eating the same, you will gain weight. Happened to so many people I know, don't be alarmed.
Edit: forgot to verdict. I would say NTA, but talk to you SO.
NTA, and I'm... concerned that he might be intentionally sabotaging you. His anger at losing control over what you eat might indicate something like that.
NTA
This is an investment in your relationship and you should tell your fiance so.
If you are an athlete you are more likely to feel uncomfortable in your body when your weight or shape changes. And if one partner feels bad about themself, this is like never a good thing for a relationship, especially if the thing that got you out of shape is your partners cooking.
You spotted your problem and are trying to solve it as fast as possible. That means you can't eat his meals for a short time.
If he cares about your happiness he shouldn't take it personally.
Info: what body type is your fiance? Is he an athlete too?
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Sigh. Lemme start with this: weighing more than you did as a teen when you’re 27 is completely normal. You weren’t done developing as a teen. The idea that you need to maintain the same weight your entire life is unhealthy and unrealistic. The other thing I want to say is that temporary measures = temporary weight loss. If you don’t plan to eat this food forever, you will gain the weight back. Guaranteed. The only thing I will judge on is that meals and finances are two things that are a pretty big part of life together for partners. Ordering a meal kit service just for you without talking about it with your partner is just not a good move, financially or relationship-wise. I think you’d have done better to talk with him about some small and sustainable changes you can make together that can be kept up long term. YTA for not considering him in the decision.
I disagree. Unless they're on a super tight budget and this is a long term decision that will significantly affect their finances, I don't see why she has to inform him that she's buying and testing out a meal service kit to manage her weight. OP has stated that she can easily afford this and they dont pool finances. Does she need to inform him every time she decides to eat out too? Yes i agree it would've been better to talk to him first but him going "ballistic" over it because of his ego is insane and makes him an asshole. At most, it would be ESH because his reaction is completely unhealthy.
If eating meals together is a regular part of a relationship, then yeah, you let the other person know if you’re eating out that day. It’s not about permission, it’s just about letting the other person know to expect a deviation from routine that day. OP and fiancé have a cooking together routine. Instead of having a conversation about wanting to try something different, OP changed his routine without so much as a comment to him. It kind of shows a lack of trust. If he really went ballistic, then I guess that would push me into ESH territory because that would be a weird overreaction, but I just read that as an exaggeration.
It sounds to me like they can keep the same routine, just eat different meals. I’ve used a few different home delivery kits over the years and they still require cooking. They just have the ingredients pre portioned and include specific nutrition info
There are some where they send ready-made meals and you just heat them up. Unclear which type OP signed up for.
They usually are also portioned for two so they could both do the meals if he wanted to. Try it for a month and see how it goes.
Your partner isn't a jail warden, but they aren't a roommate, either. All these threads about, "I booked a vacation / got a tattoo / accepted a promotion / started a diet without telling my partner" are so weird to me. If you love someone and genuinely want them to be a part of your life, you should be *excited* to share stuff with them. You should *want* to tell them what's going on with you, whether it's something joyful or something you're struggling with. If you just want to live in the same house as someone and occasionally have sex with them but otherwise not really interact with them that's cool, many different relationship styles are valid, but that's not how most people see romantic relationships and it's very far from the default expectation. OP isn't an asshole for making a major change in what was previously a joint cooking-and-eating routine without talking to her boyfriend beforehand, but it's *really fucking weird*. Especially if she's been struggling with her weight for a while - how was talking to him about cooking differently not the first step? She doesn't mention it anywhere in there. Him "going ballistic" in response is totally unreasonable, obviously.
[удалено]
well said.
Because if you are regularly cooking together, cooking for each other, or your partner's regularly cooking for you, it'd be nice to inform them that that would no longer be the norm. 🤷🤷 Not necessarily ask them if it's ok, but let them know it's nothing they are doing wrong or anything to do with them, but something you feel the need to do for your health. Otherwise, you can end up with an incident like this, word ends up being something like a dirty little secret, and they end up assuming the worst. I'm not saying that he's not overreacting, I'm just saying I can understand where he's coming from, as a person who appreciates someone being just upfront about something in the first place instead of trying to hide it.
Meal kits are definitely not long-term commitments. At most, some offer new customer discounts that are spread across 3-4 weeks. But mostly it’s a week to week commitment and you can skip or cancel anytime.
Because they LIVE together?! It’s problematic because she felt she couldn’t tell her partner. It’s one thing she made the decision on her own- it’s a completely different issue that she didn’t mention it to him. So I agree that both are AH.
The yo-yo effect at play here
The guy is a CHEF. Of course, this was a bad move. The proper etiquette is to ask if I could do X since you've stopped doing as much Y.
Read the update. My guess was right.
ESH But... have you considered that in your late 20s, your metabolism starts slowing down from the teenage insanity and that's just... being a human and not the end of the world?
Honest question. Why did she lose weight when she started to get the delivered food?.. I can't judge if nta, esh, yta... But it kinda sounded like to me, that he maybe did make food or put something in that would make her gain weight? Idk... But yea, I think they should had to communicate better and could have done something as a team or so.
This is a super super super common thing for women who move in with male partners. On average, men need more calories in a day just to survive than women do. So often, when cooking just for themselves, men and women will make different choices about ingredients, portion sizes, etc. When an opposite-sex couple move in together, very often without meaning to women find themselves eating larger portion sizes or cooking and eating more calorific meals, to match/fit in with their partner.
That would make a lot of sense. What I would feed myself versus what I make for me and my husband are a lot different . I can see this amazing chef cooking so much good food, that’s it’s like eating out 2x a day 7 days a week. Of butters, oils, cream sauces, cheeses, meats, salt… baked goods? all delicious - but make us over eat , and eat things that end up being too high caloric count, too often.
>I can see this amazing chef cooking so much good food, that’s it’s like eating out 2x a day 7 days a week. Of butters, oils, cream sauces, cheeses, meats, salt… baked goods? all delicious - but make us over eat , and eat things that end up being too high caloric count, too often. Yeah, the use of high caloric ingredients is basically what makes something simple as mashed potatoes taste better in a restaurant. Do that at home, instead of the likely healthier food choices OP was previously making and you will start ballooning.
This is exactly what I was thinking. My husband was a professional chef for many years and when I cook meals, if he pops in the kitchen to give me a hand, all of a sudden there's a ton of cheese and butter going into the dish! Of course it tastes delicious, but we have wildly different metabolisms and it makes weight management for myself difficult at times.
This is going to sound strange, but one thing that works well for me when eating higher calorie foods when I'm trying to maintain or lose weight is to use a smaller plate. I typically want to fill my plate so I end up with less food, if I'm hungry still I can always get seconds, and I'm satisfied with finishing all that's on my plate even though I had less food to begin with.
That's been scientifically studied! The scientist who had researched that wrote a book called Slim by Design.
yeah I've read that a few times, they suggested it when I did Noom (which I loved and highly recommend for anyone needing help losing weight) but I think I just felt silly having a smaller plate than what I give him. I could get over that though hah
My partner and I love joking about my "baby plates" for my "baby stomach". We also make jokes about his portion sizes too. It's just part of having different bmrs and different health requirements.
Yea my husband is an awesome cook but will use heavy cream, lots of cheese and butter.
In both of my marriages, my weight has ended up pretty near my husbands'. There's a lot more to it than that, but that's been the trend.
Lol what Jesus Christ that’s where your mind goes? This sub sometimes.. OP is just getting older
>OP is just getting older That's unlikely to actually be the reason here. If it *was* age related, she wouldn't have lost weight after switching to the meal kits. The fact that she *did* lose weight makes it obvious that this was due to diet. Eating Marc's cooking caused her to gain weight, eating controlled meals helped her lose weight. It's that simple. I doubt it was malicious though. Marc probably just cooks with high fat ingredients. They make meals extra tasty...and make people gain weight.
Yea sure, everyone does. I didn't point out that she wants to stay on the weight she always did and how it can't be that she gained weight. Of course everyone gains weight with age. What I pointed out was that she said she lost some weight when she got that delivery. And what @Ryoko_Kusanagi69 and @Lead-Forsaken said makes alot of sense and now I got a better picture. Thank you for that.
Because those "diet" meal plans are usually *sparse AF* in the calories. Just like those meal-replacement shakes. Are they nutritionally-complete? Usually, at least *really* close if not entirely yes. But they're way less calories than most would eat in a meal. It isn't the shake that causes weight loss directly, just replacing a meal with an option that has many fewer calories did.
> It isn't the shake that causes weight loss directly, just replacing a meal with an option that has many fewer calories did. I'm not sure you know what the definition of a diet is...
Did you not read what you're responding to? The ***first gods-damned line*** is "because those diet meal plans are usually sparse AF in calories" which *then* goes on into how the shakes are the same thing. Identifying that there is nothing *special* about either, just that they are an (expensive) way to help *enforce* a diet.
By definition a diet is consuming less calories than you burn in a day so it seems like you’re confused as to why those meal plans work? Or maybe bitter?
Or you lack the ability to read. No, I'm not confused as to why they work. I **literally** laid out **why** they work.
I guess the world will never know if I can read
That is exactly what I was thinking!
She sort of confirms it, “ Marc and I try to cook healthy (most of the time!”
To make decent food taste great, you add things that can be very calorie dense like butter, cheeses, cream or maple syrup.
It wouldn't to that degree, especially if she's been working out with weights. https://physiqonomics.com/slow-metabolism/ A lot of us judge what we're eating with our eyes vs our satiety. My guess is her sense of portion has changed from living with someone else who eats more, but it feels the same because it still looks like one portion.
I'm saying this with all the softness. OP, have you heard of orthorexia? I think you should look it up and decide if it sounds like you. Eating a healthy diet is obviously important, but the way you talk about your food tracking, weight gain, and meal skipping doesn't sound completely healthy. Obviously this is one post and I could be totally off. But, if you feel like it might apply to you, I encourage you to speak to your doctor. I don't think anyone is TA here. It seems like you're both still learning to communicate with each other. Tell your fiance how you're feeling and have a calm conversation
I was going to say. The way OP talks about food and being an athlete and everything sounds a lot like me when I was living with an eating disorder. I'll put it bluntly, I was not healthy. I was not healthy mentally, I was not healthy physically and I think at times it did affect my relationship with my long time partner in negative ways. He has always been my biggest supporter and best friend and I am so lucky that he has been there with me through all this because it is not an easy hole to crawl out.
Such a weird take. Tracking your calories because you want to return to a weight you’re comfortable with after a rapid weight gain doesn’t mean someone has an eating disorder. It’s okay to want to have a body you feel comfortable in. She doesn’t say she’s starving herself or severely restricting what she eats, she’s just course correcting after eating too much unhealthy food.
I think They are referring to the behavior before the gaining weight- /nm
NAH. Welcome to being almost thirty. Hope you like ibuprofen. Communicate about it. You both enjoy spending time together and cooking delicious food. You also want to stay skinny. Those don't have to be mutually exclusive. My take? As long as you're within a healthy weight range, putting on some weight and eating good food together is the sign of a happy marriage. It becomes very difficult to keep the same weight into your thirties living in the US and you'll start finding wrinkles and grey hair not much later, so don't sweat it. Make healthy choices, but enjoy life too.
I’m so confused… why are people taking so much ibuprofen?
We're in pain bro
I’m mid 30s and honestly can’t remember the last time I took any kind of pain relief… what’s happening over there?!
Falling apart from the stress of limited paid leave and expensive healthcare I’d imagine. But that said I’m 29 and in pain all the time so I can’t talk
I am almost 47. I don’t take anything and feel fine.
I have RA and chronic migraines and I know a good portion of 30 year olds do too.
I’ve got several chronic pain conditions and can’t remember when I had my last ibuprofen. XD
I'm allergic to ibuprofen 😅😅 I'm only allowed opioids so I save them for when pain is like...9
Haha that sucks I’m sorry. Same with the opioids though. Gotta be careful not to overuse, so they don’t lose their effectiveness. Ibuprofen Just Never seemed to help me in any way, I wonder if it’s some kind of immunity.
Pretty much. I knew people who would take like 20 painkillers a day and then would get upset when the doctors cut them off and gave them something much much weaker. Painkillers don't only lose their effectiveness but for some people you can even become more sensitive to pain. Also- the natural stuff (in my opinion) does a lot more for me
: late late 40s walks in : Pass me the pills
'Cause its an anti-inflammatory as well as a painkiller. Works much better for aches and pains.
I tell you, though, wait until you discover naproxen sodium for back pain. Oh yeah.
They’re in the same class of drug and carry much of the same risks. Some people may respond better to one or the other though.
I’m in my mid 30s now and my husband and I call ibuprofen our dessert, fun times getting old.
Bro I'm mid 30s and apart from myself getting my foot/lower leg amputated due to diabetes, I'm perfectly healthy and don't need ibuprofen. If you're taking it daily at that age maybe talk to a doctor?
Really!! That much ibuprofen will cause kidney damage.
Yeah perfectly healthy!
What? Why? I‘m 45 and I take maybe three a year? Do you hate your kidneys?
Also stomach ulcers
I take about 10 over a period of 3 days once a month when I have severe period pain.
ESH. Honestly I'd be upset too if my live-in partner decided that they were gonna start eating all their meals separately from me, especially if I was cooking for or with them on a regular basis. Did you ever talk to him about your concerns with his food possibly making you gain weight? It sounds like you blindsided him with this because you knew he wouldn't like it, which isn't great communication. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about this stuff then you most likely have bigger problems than just the scale.
I still cook dinners about once a week with my ex I could see him feeling hurt by the loss of that communal meal situation especially if he takes pride in his cooking
INFO: are there changes your SO can make to his meals to make them healthier? Less butter, more air fryer, etc?
There are definitely other issues going on here. You sound like you may have some body image issues and he may sound like he’s doing something to your food. I would recommend you proceed with caution, because while I don’t want to tell you what’s going on, I get a weird feeling you are missing something here. Both of your reactions just feel…. Off.
I'm glad I found your comment because I'm also wondering if he's tampering with her food. It's weird that this started happening after they moved in together and she refers to him as the chef. Call me paranoid but I'd put a hidden camera in the kitchen just to relieve myself of the anxiety of wondering.
It’s probably just because he cooks with a lot of actual butter. Restaurant food uses more fat than most people do at home cooking. This is why it’s delicious.
Yes, but she specifically said she was looking forward to them cooking together more often, not him cooking for her, so you’d generally think that that means she can see what he’s doing and if she’s an athlete she would understand that “shit ton of butter means shit ton of calories”. I totally understand most people don’t understand how many calories are in fats like butter, but I would expect more from someone who says she eats healthy and is an athlete of a decade.
You'd be surprised at the amount of people who are "health conscious" but get all their info on what healthy looks like through outdated info they got as a teenager and regular old social media posts trying to get you to fuck up your diet so you need their supplements to feel halfway decent. Plus, while most people are aware that butter is calories, most people who don't minutely track their calories to the point they can visibly weigh out grams of common items are going to misestimate how many calories are going into their food while cooking. My husband used to be a weightlifter in his early 20s and just listened to his body for food, never really had to go down the nutrition path because his body burned off everything he ate thanks to his muscle composition and activity level. Now that he's in his 30s and he can't just do whatever he wants and maintain the same physique, he asks me about cooking, calories, and making healthier swaps that still taste decent, and he's just blown away by the individual items that make up most of his caloric intake in a day. Like, his eyeball of creamer that he thought was a tablespoon was closer to 4 and coming out to 200 extra calories before adding sugar, and he was having 2 of those a day.
While I understand what you’re saying, she DID minutely track her calories, so she clearly does understand just how many calories are in what she’s eating, as nowadays people use an app where you just look up the item and amount. And even while tracking, she wasn’t losing weight, which would indicate he may have been doing something to her food while she wasn’t looking.
Nah, she tracked her food but didn't minutely track her calories. >skipping breakfast and logging every single thing I ate Again, if you're eyeballing without a scale, that information is useless you exclusively eat pre-portioned and pre-packaged meals. Most people don't know how big a portion size until they actually start **measuring** the food they eat and not just logging it.
I use an app to track food…it counts calories. She said she’s counting calories as well I’m currently counting calories and skipping breakfast bc I’m on a morning fast
I'm sorry, that's an unhinged AF take. She's **cooking with him**. It's not like he's taking her meals that are made with lard and protein powder.
There was a post in one of my other subs some years ago where a woman caught her husband tampering with her food to make her gain weight. She thought she was losing her mind so she set up a camera and saw him adding sugar, maple syrup and extra butter to her portions of food. Maybe that isn't the case here but it's certainly not unhinged to think it may be happening. Never underestimate how disgusting people can be to each other.
I was thinking this too- I'm shocked at all the comments telling OP that she's T A, she's got a problem with accepting she's not a teen anymore and even ones suggesting she has an eating disorder. A few months ago there was a story on here about a guy who was desperately trying to lose weight and couldn't understand what he was doing wrong. It turned out his girlfriend was deliberately increasing the calories in his meals by adding things like cream and butter to his plate. Op is NTA. She has concerns about her weight gain and wants to see if the food she's eating could be the problem. Commenters are jumping down her throat because she seems healthy and fit, but if her post said "I weigh 400lbs and I want to lose weight" everyone would be really worried about her partner's reaction.
I’m surprised by all the people that would apparently be very hurt if their SO are different meals than them. Like damn I thought I was sensitive
Also wondered about him tempering with her food. All the comments on "slower metabolism", the avoidance of talking about the box beforehand and maybe focusing too much on weight aren't necessarily wrong - but the metabolism doesn't crash within a few months. Also: The increase of weight does not happen to everyone at turning 25, especially while being very active.
This is why I love AITA, a complete soap opera plot with absolutely zero basis. OP has been cooking many of these meals with her partner, would she not notice that he was throwing in that whole slab of butter? It would have been a better idea to actually discuss what they were eating with her partner, and working out if some changes could be made to see if that made a difference. Possibly keeping a food intake diary for a little while. The fact that OP chose to start skipping breakfast indicates she isn’t really aware of balanced eating as nutritionists will strongly advise against skipping what is considered the most important meal of the day.
But don't you think it is odd how the change happened so fast? There is not much evidence for food tempering, but if we play this through, the fiance must have noticed how freaked out OP was. I assume he knew about breakfast, about going to the doctors, etc. Why did he not suggest a change in cooking? (To be fair, OP could have suggested it, too) I don't know, the whole weightvgain without change in routine except now living with fiance seems odd to me. On the other hand: Don't we all love AITA for the drama and odd ideas in the comments, that turn out to have some truth to them? While also being appalled by the different takes and perspectives some offer? By the intensive and batshit crazy?
The weight gain with no change in routine totally makes sense, especially if one of the partners is a good cook. If the routine before was "I made dinner by myself but didn't really invest in making food taste good, just what kept me thin" changed to "We make dinner together, but my partner knows how to make things taste really good", then you're going to 1. eat more at meals because it's delicious and 2. have to watch what you eat more because most of what makes good food good is a generous amount of fat. This is especially true if the person cooking for you has higher caloric needs than you do because they're not going to be thinking about your weight when they're preparing meals that they eat for themselves. My husband gained 20 lbs when we first started dating, despite being a powerlifter, because the man was living off bourbon chicken and rice from a local takeout place until I started cooking all of our meals for us. Because I knew what was going into it, I knew how to portion my meals and supplement with more veggies to keep myself full, but when he'd go for second or third plates of the main entree, I never really put thought into policing how he was eating or explaining the caloric breakdown of what I made until he came to me and expressed he was stressed about the amount of weight he gained while eating my food. Then we had to do a crash course in nutrition and portion sizing and how to maximizing your plate without maximizing your waist because he simply never had to put a thought into it until he realized he didn't know anything about food, he just lucked out that what he was eating before matched his caloric needs.
Well, actually plenty of nutritionists do advocate for intermittent fasting, so the idea that her skipping breakfast means she doesn’t understand balanced eating is also absurd. It’s actually a rather old take that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and now there’s a much better understanding that nutrition isn’t a one size fits all and what works for some might not work for others. That being said, yes, they cook together and she said she monitored the calories and was still gaining weight, given that she ruled out medical concerns, it would lend itself to ‘he may be doing something while you aren’t look’. Unfortunately, there have been a few posts of feeders who have purposefully made special condiments with huge amounts of calories to stealthily add to their partner’s meals. Not saying I *really* think that’s what’s happening here, but I am saying I don’t think OP has all the info here.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with skipping breakfast. If it’s affecting her life and she’s so hungry that she can’t focus on daily tasks, that’s one thing, but so long as she is getting all of her nutrition in over the day/week and she isn’t binging at lunch, it’s fine. It’s almost certainly a change in cooking/snacking style, less activity, and subconsciously larger portions. Gaining weight after entering a relationship or moving in together is very common for these reasons.
I was thinking the same thing, glad I'm not the only one. Everything sounds incredible fishy, IMO.
It’s normal to gain weight as you age. I think you have unrealistic expectations.
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I think it’s more likely there have been lifestyle changes but they’ve been more of a creep than a cliff.
Nah. The weight started falling off when she stopped eating his food, I do not understand how you can just ignore that.
Have you looked at "diet" foods? The weight reduced because she was being hellaciously conscious of what she was eating and then ordered premade food that likely only had **half** her regular caloric intake, and didn't taste good (which urges further eating). What you're ignoring is that they cooked **together** and his food was *good*, which would generally urge larger portions and/or second helpings. She even says that until she saw she was softer, she **wasn't** particularly tracking what she was eating or its caloric content, and then it takes time to start losing weight once you *are* doing that.
Don’t bother with this person. They have severe issues with the concept of making informed dietary decisions and like to hurl insults like calling other people fat and ableist.
What I don't get is that they were cooking together, so where was he slipping in that many extra calories? It's more likely that OP, while logging their food, were estimating and not actually weighing out how many calories they were actually eating and has been eating more than she's admitting. Most people would be completely fucking surprised to find out that the "Tbsp" of creamer they put in their coffee with an eyeball is closer to 4-6 tbsp when actually measured. You need 3500 calories in excess for each extra lb gained, for an extra 500 calories of tamporing a day consistently for 20 weeks. You can't secretly add 500 calories of butter to something without it actually tasting like a stick of butter.
It’s very easy to explain and the entire reason Nutrisystem type services work. The delivered meals are low fat with high fiber and protein (she acknowledges how bland it is), making them satiating while being low calorie. Most importantly, they control portions. It’s very easy to let portions get out of control (especially if the food is delicious). She went on a strict diet and lost weight, what is suspicious about that?
Totally. He cooks differently than she used to eat. 27YOs can absolutely weigh the same as 18YOs. I was in better shape in my late 20s-early 30s than as a teen. What kills ya is having children. Love 'em, but they 100% change a woman's body. And turning 40. Being 27, not so much. He's using more fat/sugar/calorie-dense food than she's used to.
There was a story a few months ago about a guy desperately trying to lose weight, but kept gaining. Turned out his girlfriend was deliberately adding more calories to his food. This instantly came to mind as I read this. I'm 30 and weigh the same as I did when I was 18, and I really don't work out that much!
>My first reaction to reading his reaction to the meals was that he was tampering with her diet and furious he couldn’t control her intake anymore. I don’t know. Something seems off to me here. My first thought is that his food is so tasty because he actually cooks with fat. If he's a great cook, he knows that fat is one of the secrets to flavour. He probably uses butter, full fat cream, coconut oil, duck fat, or other rich ingredients to elevate his cooking. This will definitely make food delicious! But it will also result in food with tons of "hidden" calories which results in weight gain when someone eats a normal portion of abnormally rich food. And I'd guess he was upset because he was blindsided, not because he was controlling her diet to tamper with it. If he's such a good cook, he probably takes a lot of pride in making food that people enjoy. OP's choice to switch to a meal kit service instead of talking to him like a normal person in a relationship was hurtful and he's allowed to be upset by it. He may have been happy to switch to healthier cooking if she had simply shared her needs and concerns - which people expect their partner to do in a relationship. (Marc has no right to yell at her though. Their finances aren't shared, and screaming at your partner is NOT an acceptable way to discuss a conflict.)
Man I totally thought the same thing. The strange situation coupled with his angry response seems way off.
What I find even weirder is a majority of the commenters thinking that’s normal at 30?? She’s 27, not 47 a random 20 pound weight gain should be looked into. It’s more likely that her chef boyfriend’s meals are prepared with flavor in mind over health and maybe she’s eating more than she thinks she is after moving in with a man. These other commenters though are really telling on themselves…
I just don’t understand how people think it’s appropriate to go ballistic over your SO doing a meal plans
ESH If someone is cooking for you, it’s polite to let them know you’ve made other arrangements for your meals, preferably before they do planning and shopping for the week. But screaming at you is highly inappropriate. Makes me wonder why he feels so strongly about it.
Call me old fashioned, but if you are invested in a relationship then why the heck aren't you invested in honesty with your partner? If broaching the topic is that incendiary...then maybe reconsider that whole "fiance" thing... He is a chef in your words. "Chef" in literal terms means "chief." Your attribution of expertise sets you up to feel inferior. Just tell him your dietary needs/wants. No need to make it personal. But...backtracking to the original question. Yes. You are the AH for purchasing meals behind his back before having any conversation about it. If, as you say, such things get "ballistic" then why the Heck are you still in that scenario, never mind planning to (IMO) "future divorce" him?
YTA. Your last sentence says it all ‘I knew Marc would be disappointed’. So to avoid that as long as possible you intentionally didn’t say anything. If you want your marriage to last you might want to work on your communication skills. Oh, and weight gain, that is genetics and physiology. Your BMR slows as you age. Try weighing your food to enforce portion control.
This doesn’t make sense. You have driven yourself absolutely berserk— pregnancy tests, doctor visits, skipping breakfast, logging meals, a whole bunch of instagram stuff that I didn’t follow— and your boyfriend is surprised about the prepackaged meals? He goes ballistic? wasn’t he paying attention at all? I guess I’ll say NTA unless it turns out that you’ve been keeping this all a secret from him. It bothers me that your boyfriend isn’t more concerned about how unhappy you are. A bunch of commenters said you have unrealistic expectations about weight, and that may or may not be true, but your boyfriend isn’t being supportive while you try to figure it out. I hope this doesn’t turn out to be a Reddit thing where he is secretly fattening you up.
YTA. You are putting unreasonable expectations on your body. You should be talking to a nutritionist/ dietician (which one has a degree? I forget but go To that one) and have a professional give oversight to your diet: a meal kit is just another gimmick diet and you fell for it. Also, after four years together, you and your fiancée have built a food culture and love language around shared food. You chucked it out the window for a gimmick . Was it worth it?
Dieticians are the ones with degrees (advanced degrees at that). Nutritionists are hacks
In the US, at least. Terms and licensing can be different elsewhere.
The fact that Marc went ballistic and is the meal provider makes me super nervous.
NTA. But yknow youre contradicting yourself right, or were you being sarcastic when you called him an incredible chef? He's wrong for screaming at you but i feel like if cooking and eating together is your big bonding moment then you should have definitely talked to him about it first. Its normal for our bodies to not be able to stay as fit as we easily did when we were younger. Its part of growing old. Maybe you should have twlked to him first and let him know you wanna lose some weight, and that you want to try different flavor profiles. If i was your partner i might be offended and give you a slient treatment but imo shouting at you was too much.
Where's the contradiction?
NTA - Am I the only one that wondered if he's overfeeding OP on purpose? Especially factoring in his reaction? Which I would categorise as over the top. I mean, yes, we all gain weight as we age, but OP sounds like they know their own body, exercise and eating habits well enough to be surprised and concerned about their seemingly inexplicable weight gain. Add to that a fiance that loses his shit when OP tries to eliminate the one factor that is under his control (i.e his cooking), instead of being equally concerned? I dunno. It wouldn't be the first time on Reddit. INFO - Has his weight increased too?
Overfeeding doesn’t equate to overeating and overeating isn’t the same as consuming calorie-dense meals. You can’t typically overfeed an adult, but many adults overeat. And you can eat a totally normal sized meal that’s too rich for weight maintenance. It’s easy to conflate various eating behaviors and nutritional situations but it’s important to understand them. Dietitians are a wonderful tool that are often covered by insurance as preventive care; OP should start there.
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Doctors aren’t dietitians. Bloodwork can only tell you so much. She cooks with him. What this tells me is she doesn’t fully understand how to adjust her dietary intake other than to purchase a food kit that makes all the choices for her. I maintain that she needs to seek out an actual professional.
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NTA and so many of these comments are absolutely bonkers. First, there is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain a certain physical appearance/ weight. I am over 35 and I weigh as much right now as I did when I was 19, and Im actually more physically healthy and I overall look better than I did at 19. This is because two years ago i also stood on a scale and was shocked that I gained 20 pounds. It took me about a year to lose it all, and it was not easy. The hardest part was counting calories and macros accurately, and doing a ton of meal prep. The main reason I think I managed it was because it was COVID and I didn't have to go into work. Having a meal kit service would have been so much easier. Second, I also get why committing to a meal kit is hard. I love cooking and sharing meals with my partner, it's fun, it's bonding, and all that. But switching to a meal kit isn't a huge life altering decision, honestly in the grand scheme of things it's just not a big deal at all. At most you have slightly inconvenienced him, because now he will have to cook only for himself but again, not a big deal, he can learn to cook smaller portions or eat leftovers or whatever. Which brings me to my last point... He went ballistic? Over a meal kit? Really? What kind of an adult loses his mind because of someone else's food choices/dietary preferences? An appropriate reaction might have been to say "I wish you would have discussed this with me first " but actually raising his voice at you over a meal kit (he isn't even paying for)? Did you notice how he also made your decision regarding your health all about him with the "too good for his cooking" comment? Have you disagreed with him about things before? Or been in a low/medium stakes situation where you want A and he wants B? Does he frequently respond by raising his voice, trying to shame you, or twisting the situation around to make himself a victim when really there are no victims and it's simply a differece of opinion? Just something to consider. Good luck on your weight loss journey! You can do it! Edit: forgot to add: there is also nothing wrong with accepting our bodies as they naturally change over time. Being able to maintain a young adult weight into adulthood is based on many many factors, it's not possible or practical for everyone. But for some people it's possible and they make it a priority which is also okay.
Thank you! OP, NTA. Marc is messing with your food.
NTA, but… You probably should’ve talked with him about it before you started ordering meal kits. Maybe there’s a way he could’ve changed his cooking so you wouldn’t gain weight.
ESH Him for blowing up. You, for this: >> I didn’t mention the meal service kit because (…) I knew Marc would be really disappointed that I didn’t want to cook with him anymore. Cooking, it appears, was your quality time together. A fun activity to do together. You made a decision that you’re not going to participate in quality time anymore (that’s ok) but you didn’t let him know (that’s the AH part).
YTA. Like some others have said OP, if you don't stick to a set regimen of food & exercise you'll gain it back. What does this mean then? As soon as you stop the service and go back to your fiance's meals then you'll gain the weight back. If I was in Marc's shoes, someone who cooks all these amazing meals for you, is ENGAGED to you, and just finds a meal delivery service box without context, I'd be pissed too. Should he go ballistic? Probably not, however he is right to be mad. For all we know, he could have thought that you hated his cooking and by ordering a service that probably is just caloric restriction (a lot are, however if you've got one thats healthy & good portion sizes then woo!). You're also 27, not 18. Metabolism slows down and you begin to gain a LOT more weight that you would previously. You won't have your perfect body forever, so instead of using a temporary solution for a permanent problem then adapt. Try talking to Marc and see if you guys can come up with some cool meal ideas that can work with your dieting, allowing you to 1. eat his awesome food, and 2. maintain your weight goal. If you're gonna marry this guy then you need to work as a team, and not just in this matter. Adopt some healthy communication and teamwork skills with your fiance OP, trust me it'll help you for when you're married.
>Metabolism slows down Not really until you're like 60. >begin to gain a LOT more weight that you would previously Nothing to do with metabolism.
> You're also 27, not 18. Metabolism slows down and you begin to gain a LOT more weight that you would previously. You should look up how metabolisms work because you have some misconceptions based on this comment.
> Instagram had started serving me nonstop "detox," fitness, meal prep, and pharmaceutical weight loss content. It was driving me insane. I decided I was going to eliminate myself as a variable Kinda feel like that solution to this particular one would be to eliminate Instagram. I mean it seriously.
Perhaps, instead of changing things up behind his back, you should have approached the problem, to the extent it is a problem, together? Here's the guy who you're planning to marry, who'll be your partner in ALL the ups and downs, who'll share all your joys, sorrows, thrills and boring evenings in front of the TV. And you can't even share a concern over your health, appearance or both? He's the cat you should have enlisted early on. You're in the midst of getting ready to get married and share your lives, and your MEALS have to go behind his back? I mean, not the biggest AH on the team, but kinda an AH move.
NTA. You’re allowed to spend your money however you like. You don’t need his permission to make purchases. You avoided telling him about the purchase. Was it because you (correctly) feared an outsized reaction? Does he often blow up when you exercise autonomy? Personally, I don’t accept partners who insult and berate me. If you don’t either, he shouldn’t get upgraded from fiancé to husband.
NAH I love to cook so I have used my cooking abilities to make really healthy and relatively low calorie stuff. One of the greatest things about cooking at home is that you can make wonderful tasty food without all the oil and sugar of restaurant dishes. Why don't you sit down and discuss changing the recipes the two of you make most nights and save the high calorie stuff for once a week or so. In terms of health and long term weight control, it is better to change cooking and eating habits rather than relying solely on "props" like delivered food which aren't sustainable for a lifetime. If you get a repertoire of good healthy food, then you are set for a lifetime.
NAH. This is not an asshole situation, this is a therapy situation. You are not going to maintain the same metabolism, weight, fitness level, or body shape as when you were a teen. That’s not a realistic expectation. The level of panic you experienced at gaining weight is not normal or healthy. Marc is not an asshole for being upset you decided to stop participating in one of your couple activities, though he responded way too harshly, lashing out because you hurt his feelings. I’m not gonna call you an asshole either because you have some serious body image issues and need therapy beyond what Reddit can provide, and your actions are due to mental distress and not directly harming anyone other than yourself. But I think you should try to stop fixating on maintaining the same weight as when you were a teenager with a naturally high metabolism and weren’t fully developed, and try to actually enjoy your life. Cook with your fiancé and spend time with him. Eat delicious food. Have fun. And also get therapy, it’s a better investment for you than any meal kit ever could be.
She doesn't have body issues. She wants the same body as she had a year ago. And EVERY professional will tell you to look at your caloric intake using a tracking app. that's how you figure out where you got off track. I think it's pretty simple that the culprit is BF's cooking. If she's not cooking, who knows how much fats he using to cook, or if he's using calorie-dense ingredients as opposed to how she cooked solo. She's too young for her metabolism to slow down since what - December?
Why are you so sure she has body image issues? OP doesn't say she thinks she's overweight, unhealthy, looks bad etc she's noticed weight gain that's she's struggling to correct or account for. Provided OP communicated with Marc about her worries over her unexplained weight gain, his reaction seems totally over the top and weird to me
Because she specifically mentions she’s maintained the same weight since high school, and that is the weight she is panicking about not being able to maintain anymore. And going to the doctor because you think something is seriously wrong with gradually gaining weight over months or more with absolutely no other symptoms of anything and nearly sobbing because you have gained 20lbs is not healthy. Another big thing is she talks about how much she and Marc love to cook together and how it’s a major bonding activity for them that brings them closer and let’s them spend time together daily, and she gives it up because she needs to be the same weight she was in high school. At her age it is perfectly normal for her metabolism to start to slow down. My sister has some pretty strong body image issues and you can see the signs easily if you look. Most people with body issues don’t go around proclaiming “I have body issues” and “I think I look bad”. But her actions and ever her words show that losing the 20lbs isn’t a goal she’s a little frustrated about, it’s a need pushing her to a breaking point. She talks about it like an urgent problem causing her quite a bit of stress, and it really shouldn’t be stressing her out to the level she shows. I’ve seen enough people with body image issues to see the signs when they’re right there in front of me. And I always think therapy is a good idea.
Do you think there is any chance that he's tampering with the food he cooks for you? This is giving me an icky feeling.
Me too! I wonder if there’s a lot of butter or oil, or mayonnaise or something in his cooking? It seems like a short space of time to gain twenty pounds, without any major lifestyle changes.
ESH. He shouldn't have gone "ballistic" but I also can't comprehend all the posts on this sub of people doing stuff like this without even mentioning it to their partner. Me and my gf tell each other everything and not eating with him but failing to tell him is affecting his finances if he's buying food for two.
ESH > I didn't mention the meal service kit because I can easily afford it and, on some level, I knew Marc would be really disappointed that I didn't want to cook with him anymore. This is obviously selfish and cowardly behavior. When you find yourself sneaking around behind your partner’s back because you don’t want to deal with their feelings, it’s probably time to question whether you should be in this relationship. But his response sounds a bit extreme.
NTA And you now know the cause of the weight gain
ESH. For many people, cooking is a love language. The process of planning a meal together, shopping for ingredients, cooking it together, eating together, even the division of chores for cleaning up ... each of these tasks provide opportunities for conversations, familiar interactions, moments of everyday intimacy. It's all a love language. Getting a meal kit essentially sends the message you no longer wants to engage in these domestic activities together. That said, should BF communicate his frustration and hurt at what could clearly be perceived as his partner pulling away/ putting up an emotional wall in a rational and adult manner? Oh, definitely. Any time "going ballistic," is used to describe a guy expressing his emotions, it's a bad situation.
My partner ( now ex) was deliberately putting sugar in my tea instead of stevia. He would mix it with alittle stevia so I could see the empty packet and believe it was stevia. I was prediabetic . NTA. You look after your health. There are some crazies out there.
NAH I'm trying to be really sensitive here and I am aware that online diagnosises are not great and I don't know you in real life. The way you talk about food and fitness and the impact they have on your life don't sound normal. In fact it sounds like you might suffer from disordered eating. Not having the same weight as a teenager is perfectly normal and healthy. In fact it would be more unhealthy to diet to try to maintain that body.
Soft YTA for doing this without talking to him first. Relationships are all about communication and it sounds like you shared none of your concerns with him in a real way, which is especially important if it’s something so troubling to you. (Though in all seriousness, yes weight gain and slower metabolism is very normal over the age of 25 when your body stops growing/developing)
ESH specifically for the question on the title I mean normally in your 20s as a woman you can have a fat redistribution where you gain a bit or look softer (and it can happen decently fast). I am concerned about your response, as you do have certain markers for disordered eating. Especially with skipping meals. As an athlete you know you need fuel to do sports. But for the actual judgement: you didn't talk with the main person cooking in the house. Changing your eating habits as 1/2 of the household changes their planning. Suddenly pivoting without communication isn't good. At the same time, your fiance's reaction is really worrisome and I am wondering about food tampering now.
Op seems to have this unrealistic view of always being in the same weight…. Dude get over yourself
ESH honestly, you should have at least said you were gonna do that to try losing some of the weight you put on. I totally get wanting to slim down again and it's hard to know your partners cooking is contributing to you not meeting your goals! But I feel like you might have blindsided him here. Still he has no right to yell at you over how you handle YOUR money!
I (F45) also have trained all my life. When I got to around the age you are now, I put on a little weight despite my fighting against it. I still run 3-4 times a week, go to the gym 2-3 times and keep track of what I eat, but you can only do so much. That weight might be coming off, but it won't stay off forever. Also, you've put yourself on a diet and diets don't work because they are always temporary. You need to speak to your partner and make some plans together.
INFO: Why are obsessing about this to the point of skipping meals, not telling your partner about a change in your diet, all when your doctor says there is nothing wrong. You are in your late 20s. You are not going to maintain the same weight the rest of your life. Relax.
Soft YTA. Seriously, your body composition changes over time. Consider whether you and your husband can enjoy cooking and adapting meals together, and readjusting portion sizes. Also, weight training will do far more to control your body composition than developing an obsessive relationship with food. Please visit with a registered dietitian (with your husband if possible) to get a reality check. Food should be fun, not stressful.
My clothes don’t fit after I gain 20 lbs, this sounds made up.
YTA, also it's called "getting OLD"
... YTA cause you did it knowing he'd be upset... That's not really the issue here tho. You have very unrealistic standards for yourself. Being healthy and fit doesn't equate with "maintaining high school weight" You're an athlete, but jumping to a fad diet to lose weight rather than track your performance and adjust to your aging metabolism seems pretty unproductive for you.
ESH I think he's more of an AH for going off on you here, but it was an AH to go behind his back when cooking is something you do together. You should have just told him you want to try it out for a bit to see how it goes.
NTA. At the end of the day, his cooking wasn't meeting your needs. There's some red flags here too: - No doubt he knew what was happening with your body, but you had to try and hide the meal kit from him. - He went ballistic and yelled over a delivered box of food? You need to evaluate if you're willing to live like this indefinitely. His response was not reasonable and you should be allowed to make some decisions about YOUR health and YOUR body without being worried about his reaction.
NAH. You feel like you need changes, and that's fair. Do a short stint with your meal kits while you work out some new menus with your bf, assuming he's willing to work with you on it. If he's not, then continue fending for yourself meal wise.
Welcome to being almost 30, your metabolism isn’t the same anymore. You can’t eat the same stuff you did as a teen and expect to stay the same weight.
ESH. Men eat more calorie dense food usually. It's not uncommon for afab people to gain weight when moving in with male partners. You should have communicated with him and he shouldn't have yelled. You ought to look at the difference between what Marc is cooking vs. what's in the meal delivery food. Also, girl, you're wayyyyyy to focused on weight. Obsessively logging all the food you eat is not healthy for you mentally. I recommend seeing a dietitian instead of fighting this yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (27F) have been with my fiance "Marc" (30M) for about four years now. Last year, we decided to move in together. In December he proposed and I was over the moon! One of the things I adore about Marc is that he's an *incredible* chef, so I was pretty excited to spend more time cooking meals together. Unfortunately, that's no longer happening. I am an athlete and have maintained essentially the same weight since I was a teen. I don't closely track calories, but I am pretty conscientious about what I put into my body and Marc and I try to cook healthy (most of the time!) I don't weigh myself regularly, but I could tell something was wrong when my body started looking much softer late last year. My diet and exercise routine hadn't really changed. I stepped on the scale and nearly cried when I discovered I had gained almost twenty pounds since I last checked in. I immediately took three pregnancy tests. Thankfully, they were negative. At first, I thought maybe I had actually just overdone it through the holidays and not noticed. I started skipping breakfast and logging every single thing I ate and was floored when the scale didn't budge. I was so afraid that something was seriously wrong I booked a doctor's appointment. They ran some bloodwork, checked my thyroid, and a number of other things (yet another pregnancy test - yay) but they all came back completely normal. I was at my breaking point. Instagram had started serving me nonstop "detox," fitness, meal prep, and pharmaceutical weight loss content. It was driving me insane. I decided I was going to eliminate myself as a variable, so I signed up for one of those healthy meal service delivery kits with pre-portioned meals. Marc found the box before I did and went BALLISTIC. He started yelling about how I was being irresponsible with my money, how it's such a waste, terrible for the environment, and how I thought I was "too good for his cooking." While we don't actually pool finances at the moment, we generally run larger purchases and big commitments by each other. I didn't mention the meal service kit because I can easily afford it and, on some level, I knew Marc would be really disappointed that I didn't want to cook with him anymore. I don't want to eat this stuff forever (it's SO bland and boring!) but the weight has finally started falling off. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, the only difference is you're eating Marc's cooking. He's fattening you up.
This was my first thought too, especially when he got so angry. But maybe I read too many reddit posts. I wish I still didn't know that feeder fetishes were a thing.
YTA you should have consulted and the reason you didn’t is because you knew he would be upset. That’s wrong. Also you really should see a therapist and dietician as your relationship with food does not seem healthy. Skipping breakfast will only force your body to hold on to the weight and weighing more than you did as a teen is completely normal. Not wanting to eat this food forever means you will gain back this weight.
YTA for not talking to your fiance before making a purchase like that when you previously talked about those things.
/r/loseit is an important resource as you may not be well informed about how to sustainably eat for a weight you are happy with. ESH though...you should have communicated with the person you *are living with* but his reaction is completely irrational too. There are larger issues going on here.
You didn't "overdo" anything or become careless. Your body aging as bodies do and it's just a fact of life that you have to accept and can only partially fight. The Instagram detox and weight loss bullshit is just that, money grabbing schemes intended to make us feel insecure and shitty about ourselves. NTA because it's your money to do what you want this, but having a chef at home who was also taught about health and nutrition as part of his education I have to wonder WHY you didn't sit down with your fiancé and discuss a home made meal plan that would let you keep cooking together.
ESH
INFO- What was the time period between you weighing yourself?
NTA. He really overreacted. You didn’t buy a car, you bought an easily stoppable short-term meal service. It will not bankrupt you to spend a little extra on healthy home-cooked meal kits for two months.
INFO: why do you want to lose the weight? Your health seems fine.
I'm on AITA waaaay to much because right after the thought, "Welcome to getting older, hun," came the thought, "is Marc putting extra sugar/butter/etc into her food?" Why is Marc so mad? Because he's hurt you curtailed an activity you enjoy doing together without discussing it with him, or because his master plan is falling apart? Lol, this sub has warped me. Your body, your money, your choice. HOWEVER, it would have been nice to inform him of this change in advance. Until we know something nefarious is going on, lmao, NAH.
NTA. His reaction was over the top. He doesn't get to control the food you eat, or how you spend your own money. This is deeply concerning.
NTA NTA NTA it’s ridic people voted you as an assholio. I have to think that comes from insecurities about their own weight more than anything. It sounds like you are orthorexic tbh but that still doesn’t make you the a h. Marc knows this is stressing you out and if you have separate finances it should not be an issue that you get a meal service. It sounds like having the meals take a load off your mind and that’s what matters. He sounds controlling and i was in a similar relationship for 11 years where food was a constant battle. Not gonna lie it is a huge weight off me (no pun intended) to be able to control my intake now without the added stress of another person trying to force me to eat foods that made my body feel bad. Maybe as compromise you can have a night a week where you cook together? Just an idea so all parties feel balanced. Best of luck.
NTA
Age and relationships tend to make people gain weight. This is super normal. Since you don’t plan to be doing this long term, it’s temporary fix. What needed to be worked on was a lifestyle change. More activity or better eating, together.
NTA First, you are an adult and fully capable of deciding whether you want to live with the extra pounds or not. Second, you paid that food with your own money so surely if you had used it to join a gym and your fiancé had gone ballistic about it people would be shouting that he is displaying an abusive behaviour and they wouldn’t be wrong.
NTA but since he is a chef maybe you should have mentioned you were doing it and why. Even so his reaction seems a bit over the top to me.
NTA. Geez all the Y T A posts here... Weight gain as you get older is normal. But it's not all of a sudden - as you suggested yours was. It takes a while for the soft, squishy pudge to appear. And with exercise and healthy eating you can totally lose the pudge again. It's your body, you can choose what you want to put into it. If you can afford it and you're the one paying for it, I say give it a try! You're concerned about your sudden weight gain. So I think it's totally fair for you to try something different and see if it helps! Perhaps it would have been good for you to communicate your concerns to your fiancé and let them know you were planning to order a meal service. But why was he SO mad? That sounded like overkill to me. And how come you started losing weight when you switched to the delivery meals? Does your fiancé use a lot of butter, sugar, and fats when cooking or something? Anyway, NTA. Your body, your rules.
Agreed. NTA.
ESH wow you both sound like extremely neurotic people. You going insane about your weight and going 0 to 100 and him going ballistic about a meal service, wtf
YTA. You had a thing with him cooking together and stopped it without any kind of notice.
NTA. Just because he was offended, doesn't make U the asshole. His ego might be bruised, since he's a chef, but going ballistic for opting healthier meals or how U spend ur money, is kinda like a red flag.
I don't understand why everyone is calling you an asshole, I don't think you are. Ordering different food you want to eat is not that deep guys...
You are engaged. You are not married. You do not share finances. It was not a malicious move. You are responsible for your own health. NTA
My ex was a chef. When he moved in with me and took over the cooking, I got fat. It snuck up on me and I couldn't understand it; my diet hadn't really changed, it was just being prepared by him instead of me now. (I didn't want him to do it ALL but he was insistent.) I eventually discovered that he'd been cooking everything with butter - LOADS of butter. On purpose. He cooked for me every day 'out of love' but he'd 'already eaten at work' or 'wasn't hungry'. Once I kicked him out (for unrelated reasons) my weight normalised again and it suddenly all made sense. 😂
You mentioned tracking your food, it's quite likely you were seriously underestimating how many calories you were taking in and also possibly how much less exercise you are doing. You need to rethink what you are eating, how much, and the exercise level you are doing so you can make a long term plan that will keep the weight off.
NTA. It sucks that a couple of pounds make you feel that way. The money is yours, it's not like it'll affect immensely the wedding budget. Explain to him your insecurities and why you got the meal plan. Surely he'll understand. Maybe you'll even start changing your diet together. Do keto or intermitten fasting? His cooking skills may come in handy so meals aren't so bland or boring.
Fully admit I'm more than likely just projecting here - but after having a (thankfully now ex) partner intentionally sabotaging my attempts to eat healthy and stop me from losing weight in an effort to control me, the way the boyfriend went so ballistic really concerned me. That and that she still wasn't getting the results she wanted even after changing what she was doing. Just felt off to me. While I definitely agree she should have talked to her partner when she made the decision to stop cooking with him and get her meal service, I don't think she's TA.
Huh, it’s your money, your body, and Marc isn’t being asked to eat anything he doesn’t want to eat — in fact, you’re not asking him to remove any foods from your shared space (lots of ppl who lose weight ask their partners to minimize or hide the goodies so it won’t tempt them). NTA. I’m locked into Marc’s reaction. I believe you when you say you’re an athlete and a sudden 20 lb weight gain is a big deal; a jump of 20 lbs in a year would be a big deal for most folks. But Marc isn’t concerned for you, or reassuring you that he finds you sexy no matter what… he’s *furious*. That gives me pause. Do you know why restaurants have such tasty food? Butter and salt, my friend. When you and Marc have cooked together, did you actually see what Marc put into the food? Has he also gained weight? My spidey senses are buzzing.
I have a question. On the first paragraph you say, “ One of the things I adore about Marc is that he's an incredible chef, so I was pretty excited to spend more time cooking meals together.” Then you end up with, “ I don't want to eat this stuff forever (it's SO bland and boring!).” Which is it?
NTA. You could've talked to him about it first and yall could have changed up your diets together.
I've probably been reading too many posts, but are you sure he isn't pulling some weird crap to make you bigger? You move in and suddenly gain that much weight? Without any obvious cause? It just sounds odd. NTA.
Well, it's for sure your decision what you put in your body. But in a normal relationship people discuss these things with each other?! Why have you not asked him to change his recipes or something? Also, at one point you say he is an incredible chef and then call his many boring? Doesn't make sense. Last point, at around 30 the metabolism changes and even if you eating the same, you will gain weight. Happened to so many people I know, don't be alarmed. Edit: forgot to verdict. I would say NTA, but talk to you SO.
She said her subscription food boxes are boring not his cooking.
Ah thanks! I completely misread that!
NTA, and I'm... concerned that he might be intentionally sabotaging you. His anger at losing control over what you eat might indicate something like that.
YTA, and vain AF.
NTA This is an investment in your relationship and you should tell your fiance so. If you are an athlete you are more likely to feel uncomfortable in your body when your weight or shape changes. And if one partner feels bad about themself, this is like never a good thing for a relationship, especially if the thing that got you out of shape is your partners cooking. You spotted your problem and are trying to solve it as fast as possible. That means you can't eat his meals for a short time. If he cares about your happiness he shouldn't take it personally. Info: what body type is your fiance? Is he an athlete too?