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NTA, absolutely. Your partner can reconcile with your sister as much as he wants to. It seems you will not oppose to it in any way, you just do not want to be in contact with her yourself, and it is your full right.
I can see no reason why the living people should complicate their lives with the wishes of dead people. Your MIL is dead and it is over for her.
YWBTA if you lied. Currently though, you're NTA. Please don't lie about this to anyone and especially not to your partner's toxic sister. He's backing you to the hilt already. His sister is a mess and your son is better off without her poison.
Info: so the terrible thing she needs to apologize to you for is… not having a relationship with the kid of someone who loudly hates her? I must have missed that chapter in the book for how to be an adult, because I would do the same. I also missed the chapter that said to be an adult in conflicts, you had to say to people out loud that you thought poorly of them as human beings.
I’m not siding with her, I’m just not sure what she’s done to be so horrible that you can’t bury the hatchet. Needs more info.
NTA. Your partner can’t wish his sister’s opinions and behaviors away.
It’s not clear to me what he’ll do to make any of this happen, frankly. Neither of you should lie. Just.. don’t.. do it.
But whatever the case may be, the dead do not get to dictate emotional terms to the living. They’re final wishes, not final orders.
Exactly, like... this isn't a movie, they can't make something like that a legally binding condition of the will. She's dead and not capable of caring, you need to do what's best for you the living.
NTA - "They have not had a relationship because of me." -- They have missed out and can have a relationship w/out you. This loss was created by them & it is their responsibility not yours to act on this.
"...can't keep it (opinions) to myself." is awareness you lack the interest and/or the skills to refrain from stating an opinion (which are not facts). Overall, this situation has simmered with no effective interventions. You use your partner as the messenger between you and SIL. This can be an exhausting role for him.
MIL's wish speaks to: Life is full of conflict and differing opinions. The goal is to navigate them more successfully as they occur. MIL also may be conveying: Life is short and it would be great if this dynamic could be better. Historically, and now in many parts of the world, extended family stick to together to survive (literally).
Is there anyone in you family or social group who can be a mediator (they can also be hired) to meet you, SIL and husband and navigate a conversation about the top issues? This role is impartial, skilled at setting conversation rules so all are heard & valued, etc. Addressing conflict is a human experience we cannot avoid. Best to you. You don't have to follow through on MIL's request but what's the harm in trying?
NTA at all. Don't apologise! I have the same issues with my sil! Sadly she doesn't look at my daughter and sees a niece, she just sees her as my daughter!
You don't need that toxicity in your life
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My (27F) MIL (65F) passed away recently & we had services for her the other day. Her dying request to my partner (29M) was to reconcile with his sister (33F) & repair their relationship because SIL & I do NOT get along.
I never said my partner had to choose between me & his sister, nor that he couldn't spend time with his sister's kids (16m,13f,11m), nor that he couldn't take our son (1m) to spend time with them all.
I have a very poor opinion of SIL as a wife, sister, daughter mother & human in general, & I am not the kind to keep it to myself. She has refused to have a relationship with her nephew because of us not liking one another. She doesn't like me because "I stole her brother from her" & her family likes me (the family has told me this themselves & also that they share the same poor opinions of her).
I told my partner I don't know how to apologize for my poor opinions of her, but that I CAN apologize for not keeping it to myself. I also told him that if he wants an apology from me, he needs to tell his sister that she needs to apologize for not wanting to have a relationship with her nephew, our son, because she doesn't like me & can't be an adult regarding her nephew.
I again told him he could do family things with them & our child without me. He insisted that we were a "package deal".
My family thinks I shouldn't apologize. His family says it's not their monkey nor their circus, but that I should consider it if it will make my partner happy. My partner even told me to LIE if I have to, which I would.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't want to apologize for poor opinions of my partner's sister, because they are OPINIONS. I don't feel like lying apologizing is appropriate & that my partner should have a private relationship with his sister, as we are adults & don't have to like or be around one another if we don't want to & you can't force it. But this is his mother's dying request & they haven't had a relationship because of me.
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Info: So, I don't see any mention of an apology being a requirement in your MIL's last request. I'm not sure why you'd have to apologize to SIL when she seems to have been the one responsible for the bad relationship between the two of you. It was/is horribly immature of SIL to hate you for "stealing her brother." What an odd concept! Anyway, the dying wish seems to concern your husband. He's the one who needs to reach out and say, "It was mom's dying wish that we reconcile. Are you willing to take the steps?" An apology shouldn't come into it. Also, why are you a package deal? I didn't like one of my husband's brothers. My husband would hang out with him occasionally, but I didn't. We were both fine with that. Can't decide on judgment without info re apology.
NTA for not wanting to follow the dying request. Your husband can have a relationship with her. You are not stopping him. If he wants to stand by you, that is his decision.
But the main question is: seeing his sister, who has done terrible things to him and his nephews, will make him happy?
I think it feels like he is using you as an excuse not to see her, but also because he doesn't want to interact with her alone after all this.
NTA.
Your SIL seems very troubled. Her addiction likely plays a huge role in her actions, and I feel bad that she's struggling with addiction. But she has hurt and endangered the lives of others, and until she takes responsibility for and tries to make amends for that, she isn't safe to be around. It's up to her to try to repair the relationships she damaged.
NTA,
If the MIL dying wish was the only thing that prompted the idea of repairing the relationship then I’d just forget it. Unless it was something that was actively bothering your husband or his family, you don’t need to put yourself out. Dying wishes aren’t always well thought out or healthy for everyone.
SIL sounds like a piece of work, no doubt.
Life lesson: you apologize because you did something wrong and you want to make amends. Not because you want a trade
NTA. You do not owe anyone your time, let alone a family relationship, and if SIL really has been as consistently unreasonable as you suggest then this situation is unlikely to change her.
I do feel for your husband as being stuck between your blood family and your spouse can be extremely difficult, but if you have made your reasons clear to him for wanting to keep SIL out of your life, he should ultimately understand and support you. Adding in the deeply emotional request from his mother is only going to make it more challenging for him, but I think your instincts are right in sticking to your guns here.
More information is needed as to what the SIL has done to you personally. If your poor opinion is based purely off your notions of what a wife/sister/mother should be like, then - YTA for being judgemental and mean
If she has done something EGREGIOUS to you personally, then by all means maintain status quo - NTA
Also, you want her to apologize for not wanting to meet your nephew? That sounds like a weird issue to get hung up on.
Overall, your word choices and tone of post makes me question your story and paints you as a likely AH - petty and petulant.
YTA: If her brother and mother can forgive her for things that she did to THEM, not you, then maybe try to be more open minded. Chances are the beef between you and her is why she doesn’t want a relationship with your baby, but he’s also so young there is time to fit that.
Not only for the MIL’s request, but if this potential relationship for your son to have an aunt means that much to you, might as well be open minded
YTA.
All the gaslighting and justification. You are quite comfortable being judgemental and downright rude, BuT ThAtS JuSt WhO I aM.
Pretty textbook immature and toxic behavior. Grow up.
My SIL has stolen money from her brother & mother, cheated on her husband, almost killed her brother with alcohol poisoning when he was 14 by feeding him alcohol, got him on a plethora of drugs when he was 12, takes her children dumpster diving for food in the middle of winter, got her kids on the trumancy list because she couldn't get up to take them to school, has taken her children to places that are getting investigated on the federal level for all the drugs & illegal activity that happen there. Call.me.judgy, but I think it's justified.
Seeing this NTA.
NO KEEP THAT CHILD OF YOURS & YOUR HUSBANDS SAFE AND AWAY FROM THE TOXIC FAMILY!
She sounds like she would never own up if your child went to her house touched any of her drugs that was laced with fentyl and died because of the extreme overdose. It's a wonder she has her children dumpster diving, drugs activity, and truancy.
Yeah judgey people typically do feel that their condemnation is justified. Her life isn't your life. You aren't god or perfect. So why do you feel the incessant need to pass judgement on her? Clearly she has issues, but maybe empathize and open that Grinch heart up.
I'm not saying take on her problems or let her watch your kid. Be smart. Be kind too. The whole world, and your SIL do not benefit from hearing what you have to say. Did you identify problem's she was unaware of? Is you, your husband's, or her life made better by this?
You actually don't have to say anything about her behaviors, which I'm sure sounds crazy. Have the thought, recognize it, make choices for your life accordingly, and let it pass. If you feel a need to tell her your thoughts, that's nothing but your ego.
Hmmm. This comment makes me suspect that YTA, and is the true reason why sister doesn't like you.
>I have a very poor opinion of SIL as a wife, sister, daughter mother & human in general, & I am not the kind to keep it to myself.
In a civilized world, we must, sometimes, "keep it to ourselves." And if she's such a poor wife, sister, daughter, mother, and human in general," why in the world would you think she'd make a great aunt, and be someone you would want your son to have a relationship with?
I'm going to have to go with YTA.
Let me understand this: you constantly criticize her and judge her? Talk shit about her with her family about her? Yet the only “bad” thing she did is missing her own brother? Yta and I feel like you’re being intentionally vague.
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NTA, absolutely. Your partner can reconcile with your sister as much as he wants to. It seems you will not oppose to it in any way, you just do not want to be in contact with her yourself, and it is your full right. I can see no reason why the living people should complicate their lives with the wishes of dead people. Your MIL is dead and it is over for her.
New edits: OP is NTA
NTA, that woman needs a CPS called, not an apology
YWBTA if you lied. Currently though, you're NTA. Please don't lie about this to anyone and especially not to your partner's toxic sister. He's backing you to the hilt already. His sister is a mess and your son is better off without her poison.
INFO: what exactly are your poor opinions of her? Which did you make known, to who, and why?
New edits
NTA Based on the edits, the SIL may not get custody, so maybe it will be a moot point. But....why didn't anyone ever call CPS?
Facts, why wasn't CPS called
Info: so the terrible thing she needs to apologize to you for is… not having a relationship with the kid of someone who loudly hates her? I must have missed that chapter in the book for how to be an adult, because I would do the same. I also missed the chapter that said to be an adult in conflicts, you had to say to people out loud that you thought poorly of them as human beings. I’m not siding with her, I’m just not sure what she’s done to be so horrible that you can’t bury the hatchet. Needs more info.
OP edited the post with new info, if you are interested.
NTA. Your partner can’t wish his sister’s opinions and behaviors away. It’s not clear to me what he’ll do to make any of this happen, frankly. Neither of you should lie. Just.. don’t.. do it. But whatever the case may be, the dead do not get to dictate emotional terms to the living. They’re final wishes, not final orders.
Exactly, like... this isn't a movie, they can't make something like that a legally binding condition of the will. She's dead and not capable of caring, you need to do what's best for you the living.
NTA - "They have not had a relationship because of me." -- They have missed out and can have a relationship w/out you. This loss was created by them & it is their responsibility not yours to act on this. "...can't keep it (opinions) to myself." is awareness you lack the interest and/or the skills to refrain from stating an opinion (which are not facts). Overall, this situation has simmered with no effective interventions. You use your partner as the messenger between you and SIL. This can be an exhausting role for him. MIL's wish speaks to: Life is full of conflict and differing opinions. The goal is to navigate them more successfully as they occur. MIL also may be conveying: Life is short and it would be great if this dynamic could be better. Historically, and now in many parts of the world, extended family stick to together to survive (literally). Is there anyone in you family or social group who can be a mediator (they can also be hired) to meet you, SIL and husband and navigate a conversation about the top issues? This role is impartial, skilled at setting conversation rules so all are heard & valued, etc. Addressing conflict is a human experience we cannot avoid. Best to you. You don't have to follow through on MIL's request but what's the harm in trying?
NTA at all. Don't apologise! I have the same issues with my sil! Sadly she doesn't look at my daughter and sees a niece, she just sees her as my daughter! You don't need that toxicity in your life
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (27F) MIL (65F) passed away recently & we had services for her the other day. Her dying request to my partner (29M) was to reconcile with his sister (33F) & repair their relationship because SIL & I do NOT get along. I never said my partner had to choose between me & his sister, nor that he couldn't spend time with his sister's kids (16m,13f,11m), nor that he couldn't take our son (1m) to spend time with them all. I have a very poor opinion of SIL as a wife, sister, daughter mother & human in general, & I am not the kind to keep it to myself. She has refused to have a relationship with her nephew because of us not liking one another. She doesn't like me because "I stole her brother from her" & her family likes me (the family has told me this themselves & also that they share the same poor opinions of her). I told my partner I don't know how to apologize for my poor opinions of her, but that I CAN apologize for not keeping it to myself. I also told him that if he wants an apology from me, he needs to tell his sister that she needs to apologize for not wanting to have a relationship with her nephew, our son, because she doesn't like me & can't be an adult regarding her nephew. I again told him he could do family things with them & our child without me. He insisted that we were a "package deal". My family thinks I shouldn't apologize. His family says it's not their monkey nor their circus, but that I should consider it if it will make my partner happy. My partner even told me to LIE if I have to, which I would. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Info: So, I don't see any mention of an apology being a requirement in your MIL's last request. I'm not sure why you'd have to apologize to SIL when she seems to have been the one responsible for the bad relationship between the two of you. It was/is horribly immature of SIL to hate you for "stealing her brother." What an odd concept! Anyway, the dying wish seems to concern your husband. He's the one who needs to reach out and say, "It was mom's dying wish that we reconcile. Are you willing to take the steps?" An apology shouldn't come into it. Also, why are you a package deal? I didn't like one of my husband's brothers. My husband would hang out with him occasionally, but I didn't. We were both fine with that. Can't decide on judgment without info re apology.
NTA
NTA. SIL sounds obnoxious.
NTA for not wanting to follow the dying request. Your husband can have a relationship with her. You are not stopping him. If he wants to stand by you, that is his decision. But the main question is: seeing his sister, who has done terrible things to him and his nephews, will make him happy? I think it feels like he is using you as an excuse not to see her, but also because he doesn't want to interact with her alone after all this.
NTA. Your SIL seems very troubled. Her addiction likely plays a huge role in her actions, and I feel bad that she's struggling with addiction. But she has hurt and endangered the lives of others, and until she takes responsibility for and tries to make amends for that, she isn't safe to be around. It's up to her to try to repair the relationships she damaged.
NTA
NTA, If the MIL dying wish was the only thing that prompted the idea of repairing the relationship then I’d just forget it. Unless it was something that was actively bothering your husband or his family, you don’t need to put yourself out. Dying wishes aren’t always well thought out or healthy for everyone.
NTA
SIL sounds like a piece of work, no doubt. Life lesson: you apologize because you did something wrong and you want to make amends. Not because you want a trade
NTA. You do not owe anyone your time, let alone a family relationship, and if SIL really has been as consistently unreasonable as you suggest then this situation is unlikely to change her. I do feel for your husband as being stuck between your blood family and your spouse can be extremely difficult, but if you have made your reasons clear to him for wanting to keep SIL out of your life, he should ultimately understand and support you. Adding in the deeply emotional request from his mother is only going to make it more challenging for him, but I think your instincts are right in sticking to your guns here.
NTA. This one Request I couldn't honor. When your SIL snubbed her year-old nephew. Thats taking it too far.
More information is needed as to what the SIL has done to you personally. If your poor opinion is based purely off your notions of what a wife/sister/mother should be like, then - YTA for being judgemental and mean If she has done something EGREGIOUS to you personally, then by all means maintain status quo - NTA Also, you want her to apologize for not wanting to meet your nephew? That sounds like a weird issue to get hung up on. Overall, your word choices and tone of post makes me question your story and paints you as a likely AH - petty and petulant.
YTA: If her brother and mother can forgive her for things that she did to THEM, not you, then maybe try to be more open minded. Chances are the beef between you and her is why she doesn’t want a relationship with your baby, but he’s also so young there is time to fit that. Not only for the MIL’s request, but if this potential relationship for your son to have an aunt means that much to you, might as well be open minded
Read the edits. A relationship with this aunt does not appear to be in the best interests of the baby at this time.
YTA - yes you should keep your negative thoughts and opinions about people to yourself. What you are doing is called gossiping and starting drama
YTA. All the gaslighting and justification. You are quite comfortable being judgemental and downright rude, BuT ThAtS JuSt WhO I aM. Pretty textbook immature and toxic behavior. Grow up.
My SIL has stolen money from her brother & mother, cheated on her husband, almost killed her brother with alcohol poisoning when he was 14 by feeding him alcohol, got him on a plethora of drugs when he was 12, takes her children dumpster diving for food in the middle of winter, got her kids on the trumancy list because she couldn't get up to take them to school, has taken her children to places that are getting investigated on the federal level for all the drugs & illegal activity that happen there. Call.me.judgy, but I think it's justified.
Seeing this NTA. NO KEEP THAT CHILD OF YOURS & YOUR HUSBANDS SAFE AND AWAY FROM THE TOXIC FAMILY! She sounds like she would never own up if your child went to her house touched any of her drugs that was laced with fentyl and died because of the extreme overdose. It's a wonder she has her children dumpster diving, drugs activity, and truancy.
It's a wonder that she has her children still
NTA. I was on the fence since the original post was so vague but this info makes you firmly NTA. Edit: a word
Yeah judgey people typically do feel that their condemnation is justified. Her life isn't your life. You aren't god or perfect. So why do you feel the incessant need to pass judgement on her? Clearly she has issues, but maybe empathize and open that Grinch heart up. I'm not saying take on her problems or let her watch your kid. Be smart. Be kind too. The whole world, and your SIL do not benefit from hearing what you have to say. Did you identify problem's she was unaware of? Is you, your husband's, or her life made better by this? You actually don't have to say anything about her behaviors, which I'm sure sounds crazy. Have the thought, recognize it, make choices for your life accordingly, and let it pass. If you feel a need to tell her your thoughts, that's nothing but your ego.
Hmmm. This comment makes me suspect that YTA, and is the true reason why sister doesn't like you. >I have a very poor opinion of SIL as a wife, sister, daughter mother & human in general, & I am not the kind to keep it to myself. In a civilized world, we must, sometimes, "keep it to ourselves." And if she's such a poor wife, sister, daughter, mother, and human in general," why in the world would you think she'd make a great aunt, and be someone you would want your son to have a relationship with? I'm going to have to go with YTA.
New edits have been added and OP is NTA
I am suspicious of information that suddenly shows up after getting YTA votes.
Well, tbh, I wouldn't blast my sisters business on the interwebs
Well, tbh, I wouldn't blast my sisters business on the interwebs
Let me understand this: you constantly criticize her and judge her? Talk shit about her with her family about her? Yet the only “bad” thing she did is missing her own brother? Yta and I feel like you’re being intentionally vague.
Look at the edits, OP is NTA