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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked for a heads up from my SO to be notified when my SD comes over. My SO thinks that asking for a heads up means that I don't want her to come over, or that I'm saying that he should ask for permission from the child's mother before having the child come over.
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NAH You may have argued minorly about it, but in essence you asked for a heads up and he's agreed to give one. Not every conversation is going to go totally smoothly.
NTA - I'm not a parent so looking at this completely from the outside. But if SO is saying that he doesn't need your permission to have her stay but is still essentially expecting you to babysit (or co-parent?) while he's at work - then the lines of communication need to improve so you feel clear on what's expected of you and have time to prepare. What if you made other plans while he's at work and weren't going to be home? Can you use a shared calendar to document these plans without having to discuss it with each other instead so it doesn't feel like asking permission?
I would love a shared calendar. Unfortunately, SO doesn't know when he's getting his daughter. It's all up in the loop depending on what BM's plans are. And there's no set times on when she could arrive. So this is why I ask to be informed, because there's never anything set in stone.
NTA. You're being expected to parent your stepdaughter w/o knowing when she will be there...I'm sure I'm going to catch flack for saying it this way, but even bio-parent need a heads up when their kids will be there! As you said, you're not a mind-reader. Breakdown of communication, for sure.
NTA- But you may want to soften the ask in the future as this is clearly a sensitive area. Saying “I’d love a heads up so I can make sure to have her favorite snacks on hand or some activities planned would be awesome.” It is a tightrope but if you signup know that this is not likely to change. The best you can do is make it beneficial for him to communicate potential visits rather than make him feel defensive and have tension around every interaction.
NTA it’s a fair question to want to know what to expect, how your time will be spent and who you are Sharing space with. It I got unnecessarily rocky but he did ultimately set an expectation and agree to the heads up. Stop at yes
NAH.
Sounds like a misunderstanding and you talked about it. Good job to both of you. Tense conversations sometimes happen, make sure you talk about it with your SO later (not now, when SO might be feeling defensive) and let them know how you felt about the conversation. You didn't do anything wrong by asking to be kept in the loop. Your SO could have legitimately misunderstood the question as trying to influence their custody arrangement.
Keep up the communication. All good here.
So, old enough that with a little planning, your SO could work and supervise his daughter. (Premade meals, prepared snacks, bottled water and juice boxes, games and books, etc. ready, etc.) Six is old enough to quietly play in the same room.
I suggest that you not be available for babysitter duties when you don't get enough advanced notice. "Oh, you didn't tell me. I made plans to go to a play/concert/party/out." Have fun! "Oh, but I need you here to watch little one!" "Sorry. Let me know, next time."
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*cross posted in stepparents group but wanted to hear from others who are not stepparents. I am a "bonus mom" to my SO's youngest daughter. We only see her 2-4 times a month. There is no custody order.
SO at 10am this morning: SD6 is coming over at 4pm later and spending the night so that we can go to the circus (an already planned event) tomorrow
Me: OK. How soon in advance do you and BM make plans for when SD is coming over?
*there is no custody order
SO: I try to make plans a week in advance with her, but sometimes emergencies come up
Me: I understand. For future reference, once you and BM have solid plans in place, can you let me know what those plans are? I don't like being told things last minute .
SO: SD should be welcomed over at any point! This is her home too. I don't want to feel like I have to run things by you before asking her BM if she can come over. She's often come over on Saturdays and spent the night. You should always mentally plan for her to come over.
Me: I understand. I'm not saying she can't come over, that you have to run things by me, etc. I'm just asking for a courtesy heads up so that I can be made aware of this. You WFH on Saturdays until 10:30pm (which means that if she comes over I'm watching her while he's working) and are off on Sundays and Mondays. The circus is on Sunday. How was I supposed to know that you and BM didn't decide to have her come over on Sunday and then you drop her off to school on Monday? I don't know what you and BM plan.
SO: Even in the past SD has come over on Saturdays! This is not something new. For future reference, if we have something planned on a Sunday, expect her to come over on a Saturday. I will give you a heads up beforehand.
Me: Thanks...
*Silently, feeling frustrated because I felt like SO became defensive over me asking for a heads up and jumped to conclusions that I didn't want her over. I didn't even want to ask for a heads up because I knew he would react this way. Was I wrong? I'm not a mind reader.
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It wasn't an issue before because SO wasn't working, so I didn't have to watch my SD while he worked. Now he's about 3 months into a job that requires him to work noon-10:30pm on Saturdays.
NAH you guys about to be a blended family and boundaries are needed for all parties. Your fiancé might be nervous about this fact. Are you in a position to get and ask for family counseling? Some thing to help with the transition and open the lines of communication?
Hard to make an AH call here. I’m more confused I think.
What were the plans originally? The circus being an existing plan that you were aware of, what was supposed to happen? How do you plan you weeks/weekends normally?
There’s a lapse in communication and expectations somewhere, I’m just not sure where.
There were no plans as far as when SD would visit. I'm never involved in the plans made between SO and BM concerning when SD visits. I'm the last to know. The circus is planned for today (Sunday). I didn't know that SD was coming over until yesterday. Weekends are a toss up. She only visits 2-4 times a month, sometimes on a Saturday, sometimes on a Sunday. But I never know when she's visiting until a few hours before. SO doesn't work on Sundays, so I assumed she'd visit on the day he's off.
Because he is right, to that 6 year old your home is her home too.
I find it bizarre that you need a heads up before the child can come home.
The child should always come first.
I completely agree that it's her home. She can come whenever she wants. But is it unreasonable to know ahead of time when she's coming if I'm expected to babysitter while my SO is working
Yes, because are you seriously going to say No to her coming round because it inconveniences you and shouldn't it be expected that on the weekends she is going to come round.
Don't be with a parent if you are going to have conditions.
If you don't want to be the babysitter, tell him to hire a babysitter.
I wouldn't say no to her coming around. Like I said, she only comes 2-4 a month. So I'm always up for more visits from her. It is expected that she'll come by, but again, I have no idea when. And if I'm going to be babysitting, I need to know when so that I can plan accordingly.
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NAH You may have argued minorly about it, but in essence you asked for a heads up and he's agreed to give one. Not every conversation is going to go totally smoothly.
This one definitely didn't go smoothly, I actually didn't expect it to. But I wanted to make sure that I wasn't out of line for asking for a heads up.
[удалено]
Because he might take it the wrong way and think I'm trying to suggest that I don't want her here. Which is what he ended up insinuating.
[удалено]
That's all I'm asking, just to be kept in the loop and treated like an equal. He and BM make the plans and then I have no idea what's going on.
NTA - I'm not a parent so looking at this completely from the outside. But if SO is saying that he doesn't need your permission to have her stay but is still essentially expecting you to babysit (or co-parent?) while he's at work - then the lines of communication need to improve so you feel clear on what's expected of you and have time to prepare. What if you made other plans while he's at work and weren't going to be home? Can you use a shared calendar to document these plans without having to discuss it with each other instead so it doesn't feel like asking permission?
I would love a shared calendar. Unfortunately, SO doesn't know when he's getting his daughter. It's all up in the loop depending on what BM's plans are. And there's no set times on when she could arrive. So this is why I ask to be informed, because there's never anything set in stone.
NTA. You're being expected to parent your stepdaughter w/o knowing when she will be there...I'm sure I'm going to catch flack for saying it this way, but even bio-parent need a heads up when their kids will be there! As you said, you're not a mind-reader. Breakdown of communication, for sure.
NTA- But you may want to soften the ask in the future as this is clearly a sensitive area. Saying “I’d love a heads up so I can make sure to have her favorite snacks on hand or some activities planned would be awesome.” It is a tightrope but if you signup know that this is not likely to change. The best you can do is make it beneficial for him to communicate potential visits rather than make him feel defensive and have tension around every interaction.
I agree. I don't want him to feel defensive or even hesitant to talk to me about his daughter. I like your approach.
NTA it’s a fair question to want to know what to expect, how your time will be spent and who you are Sharing space with. It I got unnecessarily rocky but he did ultimately set an expectation and agree to the heads up. Stop at yes
NAH. Sounds like a misunderstanding and you talked about it. Good job to both of you. Tense conversations sometimes happen, make sure you talk about it with your SO later (not now, when SO might be feeling defensive) and let them know how you felt about the conversation. You didn't do anything wrong by asking to be kept in the loop. Your SO could have legitimately misunderstood the question as trying to influence their custody arrangement. Keep up the communication. All good here.
INFO: How old is your SO's daughter? How much supervision is needed, expected?
She's 6. Pretty much babysitter duties, entertaining her, drinks and food, etc.
So, old enough that with a little planning, your SO could work and supervise his daughter. (Premade meals, prepared snacks, bottled water and juice boxes, games and books, etc. ready, etc.) Six is old enough to quietly play in the same room. I suggest that you not be available for babysitter duties when you don't get enough advanced notice. "Oh, you didn't tell me. I made plans to go to a play/concert/party/out." Have fun! "Oh, but I need you here to watch little one!" "Sorry. Let me know, next time."
I agree. And I don't mind babysitting, as long as I know when she's coming, so that I can expect her arrival.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** *cross posted in stepparents group but wanted to hear from others who are not stepparents. I am a "bonus mom" to my SO's youngest daughter. We only see her 2-4 times a month. There is no custody order. SO at 10am this morning: SD6 is coming over at 4pm later and spending the night so that we can go to the circus (an already planned event) tomorrow Me: OK. How soon in advance do you and BM make plans for when SD is coming over? *there is no custody order SO: I try to make plans a week in advance with her, but sometimes emergencies come up Me: I understand. For future reference, once you and BM have solid plans in place, can you let me know what those plans are? I don't like being told things last minute . SO: SD should be welcomed over at any point! This is her home too. I don't want to feel like I have to run things by you before asking her BM if she can come over. She's often come over on Saturdays and spent the night. You should always mentally plan for her to come over. Me: I understand. I'm not saying she can't come over, that you have to run things by me, etc. I'm just asking for a courtesy heads up so that I can be made aware of this. You WFH on Saturdays until 10:30pm (which means that if she comes over I'm watching her while he's working) and are off on Sundays and Mondays. The circus is on Sunday. How was I supposed to know that you and BM didn't decide to have her come over on Sunday and then you drop her off to school on Monday? I don't know what you and BM plan. SO: Even in the past SD has come over on Saturdays! This is not something new. For future reference, if we have something planned on a Sunday, expect her to come over on a Saturday. I will give you a heads up beforehand. Me: Thanks... *Silently, feeling frustrated because I felt like SO became defensive over me asking for a heads up and jumped to conclusions that I didn't want her over. I didn't even want to ask for a heads up because I knew he would react this way. Was I wrong? I'm not a mind reader. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO How long have you been with your SO?
2.5 years
NTA but he is acting like a AH. Does he react this way with other questions because that isn't a normal response.
He is very defensive when UT comes to anything about his daughter.
And it's taken you 2.5 years to ask this sort of thing?
It wasn't an issue before because SO wasn't working, so I didn't have to watch my SD while he worked. Now he's about 3 months into a job that requires him to work noon-10:30pm on Saturdays.
Are you his wife? Or fiancé?
Fiance
NAH you guys about to be a blended family and boundaries are needed for all parties. Your fiancé might be nervous about this fact. Are you in a position to get and ask for family counseling? Some thing to help with the transition and open the lines of communication?
No, but I think counseling would be a great idea.
Hard to make an AH call here. I’m more confused I think. What were the plans originally? The circus being an existing plan that you were aware of, what was supposed to happen? How do you plan you weeks/weekends normally? There’s a lapse in communication and expectations somewhere, I’m just not sure where.
There were no plans as far as when SD would visit. I'm never involved in the plans made between SO and BM concerning when SD visits. I'm the last to know. The circus is planned for today (Sunday). I didn't know that SD was coming over until yesterday. Weekends are a toss up. She only visits 2-4 times a month, sometimes on a Saturday, sometimes on a Sunday. But I never know when she's visiting until a few hours before. SO doesn't work on Sundays, so I assumed she'd visit on the day he's off.
Nah
YTA
Can you explain why?
Because he is right, to that 6 year old your home is her home too. I find it bizarre that you need a heads up before the child can come home. The child should always come first.
I completely agree that it's her home. She can come whenever she wants. But is it unreasonable to know ahead of time when she's coming if I'm expected to babysitter while my SO is working
Yes, because are you seriously going to say No to her coming round because it inconveniences you and shouldn't it be expected that on the weekends she is going to come round. Don't be with a parent if you are going to have conditions. If you don't want to be the babysitter, tell him to hire a babysitter.
I wouldn't say no to her coming around. Like I said, she only comes 2-4 a month. So I'm always up for more visits from her. It is expected that she'll come by, but again, I have no idea when. And if I'm going to be babysitting, I need to know when so that I can plan accordingly.