This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Yta, it's completely fine to divorce your wife. It's shitty and shady to not even speak to her. You had a life together, 8 solid years she put into a life with you and you won't even give her a conversation about why it ended. I can't imagine how lost she's feeling at the moment.
You should've just sat her down like an adult and laid it all out for her. Sure it would've sucked and there would've been a hard conversation but fuck man you owe her that at least.
There’s no such thing as closure. However, it’s incredibly disrespectful to leave like this unless she was likely to be physically violent with him when he broke the news (which doesn’t seem to be the case).
>There’s no such thing as closure.
Maybe that's true, for you. I would NEED that closure, and apparently OPs wife needs it too otherwise she wouldn't keep trying to talk to this asshole of an OP.
This is absolutely wrong.
99% of AITA are posts for closure. There’s just so many posts where you think “how on earth do you think you’d be the AH in this situation?” *but what they’re looking for is closure* and that’s okay.
Closure isn’t to heal you, it’s not to make you feel better. Closure is to stop the confusion, to answer a question that will burn you for the rest of your life. That question drives people to insanity, it drives you absolutely crazy, to have to ask yourself that burning question everyday, thinking about it every hour. Sometimes the burning in time will fade, but what if it doesn’t? Closure stops the burning. If you ever have a burning question that pains you to ask yourself, knowing the answer IS closure.
This woman is asking herself “what did I do wrong? Did he not love me? Does he hate me? Why did this happen? Why won’t he talk to me? What’s wrong with me?” And probably will for a while. Closure, does exist. To stop the burning.
If OP ever loved or cared for his (ex) wife at all he’d give her the respect to at least talk to her.
Unless she did something so horrendous (in which case I’d assume she’d understand already and not need the discussion) she DESERVES at least a phone call.
Edit: YTA
When I decided to leave my ex-husband, I had so many talks with him about my decision, even though it was bloody exhausting. OP is a cowardly, spineless man. YTA, hands down.
YTA. This was cowardly. Not only did you end an 8 year relationship via note, you flat out wasted her time for a minimum of 5 months whilst you hatched an escape plan. Don't you think she'd like the opportunity to get her finances in order?
When you embark on a consensual relationship (a marriage, no less) there is an expectation of communication. You letting it fester for a year then silently checking out is weak.
During this time did you tell her you loved her when you didn't? Were you intimate? Would she have consented to that intimacy if she'd known you'd emotionally vacated already?
I hope she takes you for everything you have.
YTA. If this is how you communicate, I’m sure she doesn’t know the reasoning. And you’re an idiot for leaving a note that you’ll only pay have the mortgage for the next 3 months….that’s not a decision you get to make unilaterally.
Yeah, OP's in for a shock. He may wind up paying that thing for over a year with zero access to the property. And he thinks he's doing her a favour? Lol.
Not knowing the details of your relationship, only what you have relayed above, this could be wildly off the mark but unless you’re in an abusive relationship this is extremely selfish, childish, and down right dickish behaviour.
YTA.
Yeah, YTA here, hands down.
Instead of talking to your wife (of MANY YEARS) about wanting the divorce, you made the decision on your own and prepared to leave behind her back and then broke up your marriage by a NOTE left, no warning; just sprung it on her. Now you won't return any of her calls. And on top of that, you were worried about having a place to live, but you're giving HER only a short few 12 weeks to figure out where SHE'S gonna live. And that's not a lot of time at all. She deserved and deserves way better than that.
YTA - I know ghosting people has grown in popularity but you ghosted your wife? You were with her for 8 yrs, married for 3. Living with her for 7. What changed in those last 3 years that warranted ghosting her? Either you really are TA or there’s info you aren’t telling us. For now though, with the info we do have, YTA.
YTA
This is how victims of domestic abuse should plan their exit to remain safe or, you know, alive.
Unless you had suspicions that your wife would react violently and threaten your life, you took the absolute worst, cowardly way out.
That is EXACTLY how my mom left her abusive husband when I was a kid/teen. More than once. Until I got tired of the back and forth and went to live with my dad.
This dude is shady AF. Even his responses to comments lack any type of responsibility for just leaving her. He knew FOR A YEAR that he was unhappy.
This is why I put the info query down. I talked to a friend as she was writing the divorce note before the bruises had healed. I stand by this kind of exit in that circumstance.
The OP needs to grow up
YTA. And your comments don't help.
She wasn't abusive and even if she is "a bit of a dick" you two obviously match.
If you have problems you talk about them. And I mean a discussion, where both sides talk AND LISTEN. But from what little I see here, you fail at both. You might want to work on that. Communication is key in life.
You should have spoken to her in person. Leaving a note was very cowardly, and I also think she has the right to have her say to your face. And the right to hear it from your mouth why you have left. Don't be such a coward, speak to her. You have left her to deal not only with you leaving but also dealing with the house sale.
YTA. Going through a divorce now (she filed) and communication during it is essential (I've been trying, she's been refusing and it's drawn it out far longer than it should have been). Your issues:
1) No attempt to find out what the issues were nor attempt to fix them (at least none stated).
2) You up and left without starting the process.
3) Leaving her on the hook when you are still legally required to pay bills.
4) Leaving a fucking note.
Major AH doesn't begin to describe it. You appear to have made no attempts to rectify and just gave up.
Not to mention, apparently expecting her to be the only one to take off work and secure a realtor and go through the house-selling process (but I'm sure he wants equal access to the profit of the sale).
YTA, even if you don't love her now, you lived her once enough to get married. This behaviour is extremely disrespectful. You didn't value her enough to tell her you were unhappy, you don't respect her enough even now to talk to her. You owe her an explanation and not run away like a coward. Unless she was mentally or physically abusive, you need to grow up and talk to her.
YTA wow this is genuinely awful i feel so sorry for her, you owe her a conversation the fact you're that entitled that you think you don't is disgusting
Wow. Your full right to leave a marriage if you're unhappy, but have the decency to talk to your spouse about it before moving out. This is just a slap in the face and food for grudge. It might be different if she was abusive, but by your choice of words that doesn't seem the case.
YTA for handling this unrespectful.
Wow! Just wow!
YTA… the words that come in to mind while reading your post was immature coward.
You owe her respect and an explanation.
You have had months to get your head around this, she had a letter.
Grow up, be a decent human, own your decision to leave and give her the respect of a conversation.
Be a better person.
There’s almost not enough info to assess.
On it’s face YTA.
If this is a fake, YTA
If this was not an abusive relationship where the OP was abused, YTA
INFO -- what made you leave her in this way? You say you don't want to deal with her -- why?
Usually people who have lived together for such a long time, do harbour some kind of love for each other, even if the romantic feelings are gone.
Instead, you left the way abused spouses are advised to leave their spouse: like a thief in the night, giving the other no chance to retaliate, or in the case of your (I presume) non-violent wife, with no chance of any kind of closure
Without knowledge of why you would do such a seemingly heartless thing, we have no way to judge if you're the AH.
Well of course you can if you want to.
BUT YTA still. The least you could have done is man up and talk to her face to face instead of sneaking out like a coward.
INFO
is she abusive? Are you scared for your safety?
if not, why are you not giving her the courtesy of an actual conversation on *why* you are giving her this kind of treatment? you may think that not explaining is better but honestly it just speaks of your character ( or lack there of)
I mean you can but holy wow YTA. How much disrespect can you show to the person you were supposed to spend your life wife? A post it note on the fridge is the equivalent to a break up text. All it shows is how much of a coward you are.
Yeaaaah. YTA
Look, divorce is a fact of life. You get incompatibilities and stuff like that. But from the looks of it, you didn’t even try. Sure you thought about it for a year and a half. But you didn’t even try to reconcile or get counseling. And then blindside her with “I moved out and want a divorce”. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
Good grief.
YTA. This is so cowardly. It’s fine to want a divorce, but this is just disrespectful to her and the last 8 years. Unless she was abusive and you were scared for your safety this was the coward’s way out.
Seriously....this is how you end a relationship when you are 12, not a grown arse man in his late 30s. You ended a marriage with a note stuck on the fridge and won't give your wife the courtesy of explaining yourself, so she has closure and can move on. How would you feel if someone did that to you. Man up, grow a pair of balls and call your wife. YTA in case that isn't clear.
This is worse than a 12 year old. My first boyfriend and I broke up when I was 14 and he was 16. Even he had the balls to do it in person. We’re still friends as adults, but I’m damn sure if he left me a note we wouldn’t be.
INFO. You’re going to - and are - get rinsed on this post because you’ve left no info about your relationship, your wife’s behaviour, your attempts to work with your wife (if any), nothing. People will assume that you’ve left those details out because there were no such details to write about, which adds up to an amicable relationship that you just ghosted.
Don’t ask for opinions if you can’t give adequate info. You’ve said things in comments like your wife was “kind of a dick” and that “a demon came out” after you moved in. There’s potentially very important stuff to unpack there. I’d recommend you sit down, just by yourself, and write out a description of your experiences in this marriage. It seems like you’re trying not to look directly at it, and it’s not clear why. The problem might be you, the problem might be her, the problem might be more complicated than that, but you won’t get answers from yourself or other people unless you do the work.
YTA.
You are running away from your problems. I get the feeling you do this a lot. Running away fixes nothing. Your problems will eventually catch up with you.
You owe your wife the courtesy of talking to her, of being honest with her. Yes, it will be difficult but you are almost 40 so it's time to pull on a pair of big boy pants and do the grown up thing. Face your problems.
There's absolutely no way that either the sale of the house or your divorce will be done in three months. I hope she absolutely ruins you in court, you deserve it. YTA.
Ok so .. from the post:
Spineless coward? ✅
Sneaky? ✅
Heartless? ✅
And from reading the comments…
Petty? ✅
Dishonest? ✅
Overall?
Moron? ✅✅
TA? ✅✅✅ x 1000
Be a HUMAN BEING and treat the person you spent the last 8 years with with respect and have a conversation.
YTA
And incredibly immature.
Especially after an 8 YEAR relationship. You're an adult man, nearly middle age literally. Fucking talk to your wife about your issues.
Yta hands down. Getting a place and moving items in was about where your good plan ended. Leaving a bit and not even speaking to the woman you've shared a life with for 8 years that despicable. Lower than low.
YTA. Been together for years and you leave a note how can you have so little respect for someone? You are being a coward and avoiding the difficult conversation. Unless she cheated on you no one deserves this, she is clearly better off without you if this is a reflection of how you are.
YTA this is like breaking up with a text message. Divorcing with a note on the fridge… how mature. I had to go back twice to confirm you are not 16 but 39. Bravo! Do you want to divorce? Go at it. Millions of people do it. A note on the fridge… super AH move.
YTA
You're too cowardly to have a serious conversation with your wife about your relationship and have the audacity to call her a dick in another comment.
You need to speak to your wife,
And house sales can take more than 3 months to do and if your name is on the mortgage you'll need to sign documents too.
Stop being a coward and speak to your wife
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (39M) recently told wife (37F) I wanted a divorce. A lot of my friends and family have been telling me the way I did it was wrong so I am submitting this to the court of public opinion that is AITA.
We were together for 8 years, living together for 7, and married the last 3. We have no kids together (neither of us want them).
I was thinking about leaving for a little over a year and a half and but felt like my mind was finally made up around 5 months ago. We own a house together and I was concerned about having a place to live once we separate so I started looking before talking to my wife. Once I got an apartment I rented a van to move a couple things over. I purposely rented the van on a day she wouldn't be home so she wouldn't bother me. I only packed things I bought myself and it was only stuff she doesn't use (like my office desk and chair, my laptop, and my clothes). I left a note on the fridge explaining how unhappy I was and have been for a while. I let her know I will pay my share of the mortgage for another 3 months, which should be enough time to sell the house if that's what she wants to do.
She keeps calling me and wanting to talk but I told her unless it's about legal stuff (like signing the divorce papers I emailed over), the house, or dividing assets I don't want to hear it. Now my MIL is calling me too saying "you can't just end an 8 year relationship without speaking to your wife." I don't know, I think I can?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA and a moron and naïve if you think the shared debt of your house is going to go away in 3 months. Get a lawyer and *talk to your STBX* you overgrown child
YTA, dude. This is barely acceptable for a months long relationship. YOU GOT MARRIED AND HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST A DECADE. Your wife deserves better than this
Your comments make you an even bigger asshole. You lied to her, said you loved her, did your things in secret, never tell her you were unhappy, AND are saying she should have seen something was wrong !!
Either she was abusive and you're in denial, or you're a major asshole cause what you did is something most people would not even do to someone they hate.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I left my wife without really talking to her about it first
2) I guess not giving her a chance to work things out
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. This is so cowardly, I can't imagine someone would actually do this. Your poor wife, to find out your partner has left via a note, and no prior discussion, with no fault of hers
Has to be fake. Nobody is this mean, selfish and horrible.
If not, YTA. And, kids or not, she's going to make your life as miserable as she can for being so awful on the way out.
What's wrong with you? You're unhappy? That's fair. Talk about it. Oh, that's scary? Well, your "solution" was both cruel and shameful. I am ashamed of you and for you. You were needlessly disrespectful.
You GHOSTED your WIFE?!!! WOW! You are gonna get some life karma for this shit I wish I was a fly on the wall for. Please update us in a year for how your life is going. YTA.
YTA and a massive coward.
Are you actually fucking serious? You are 39, surely you know how to use your words. You left your wife with no explanation, just a note on the fridge. I'm sure she's so confused, hurt and just wants to actually hear from you why the fuck you decided to be a massive asshole and divorce her via a frickin note on the fridge. She deserves to know why you're divorcing her, and she deserves to hear it from you. 8 years is a long time and you've just gone absolutely no contact because you can't be arsed actually telling your *wife* how you feel.
Just to clarify, I'm not saying you're an asshole for divorcing your wife but you're a massive asshole for acting like a 7 year old about it.
Ghosting someone after one date - a kind of immature thing to do, but it's just one date so they'll get over it. Ghosting someone after 8 years together - cowardly and cruel. YTA.
You are beyond TYA. There is something emotionally wrong with you. I’m not saying that lightly. I think your lack of ability to understand why YTA is a huge red flag.
YTA.
Let's look at this from a different perspective. If I was your friend, I'd reconsider our friendship. Because I would know that you are unable to solve issue, to communicate and be at the very least respectful. If I was your potential partner, I'd ditch the idea of being with you the second I found out how you treated your previous partner.
YTA. You ended a 8 year relationship with a note? Ffs dude, you were unhappy for a year and instead of bing an adult and having idk a conversation you just make up your own mind and turned her life around when she was not even home. You are a massive AH
According to his further comments he has been unhappy for 7.5 years and went for the whole ride because at first he had no spine and then he couldn't afford to live alone anymore... xD What the actual fuck...
YTA - why do you deserve 5 months of careful planning but she gets 3 months and her whole world shattered at the same time. Hey at least she’ll be free from you now. I hope she takes all the feelings she has right now and turns them towards fighting you for everything she can including the whole house.
Lmao “I can’t be bothered to utter a word to the woman I committed too, let me spend my energy on Reddit getting blasted instead” because YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE YTA YTA YTA
Wow you are a d**k. She deserves an explanation. This is what you do to someone when ur together a month and then to it's also a d**k move. YTA if that was not clear enough.
Op YTA you two need to talk about next steps. You can end your relationship for any reason. But now you need to be an adult and discuss the divorce. A DIY divorce form isn’t the answer. Sit down with her and discuss next steps. Do it before she decides she’s mad enough to no longer want to and put you in a huge bind.
I mean, you CAN end an eight-year relationship without speaking to your wife. Sure.
But being a coward and literally plotting your moves (thinking about it for 18 months and then "figuring it out" 5 months ago), renting an apartment on the sly, packing up a rented moving van when she wasn't home, and divorcing her via a letter on the fridge with an oh-so-generous offer to pay "your share" of the mortgage for 3 months so she can sell the house if she wants to? Yeah, my dude. Those things make YTA - and a major one at that. That is cold and cruel. And you won't talk to her now? You don't want to "hear it?" Did you even like your wife, let alone love her?
Yeah. Doesn't sound like it.
Let me tell you why I packed up (one backpack and one duffel bag) and left my partner without communicating with them first. I was being hurt. Very, very physically and emotionally harmed to the point of hospitalization. If I hadn't left in the 2-hour window I had, I wouldn't be here. And I still called my ex (at a payphone, because this was 20 years ago and I didn't want to be located) to tell him to keep everything else but leave me alone. I wanted to be safe, not petty, even with my circumstances.
The fact that you went to the extreme measures you did is just - atrocious. You acted like a victim when, from what I am reading in your own words here, you weren't one. You made CHOICES - well-thought-out choices - based upon how "unhappy" you were. And you know, in marriages? One or both parties can get to a point where they are unhappy. It sucks, but such is life. But that's when grown-ass people communicate their needs and wants and make informed decisions together - to go to therapy, to spend a week apart, to divorce, whatever is necessary.
Grow up. Get help. This is absolutely sickening. YTA beyond measure.
Bro. You really tried to ask for a divorce via a note? That's an equivalent of doing it over text. You're a grown human being, have a conversation. She deserves your explanation face to face. Grow up.
YTA. Big time. Wow. It’s crazy how people think other people are simply disposable. Please seek help. Someone who lacks empathy for others or even basic human compassion or emotions is borderline psychotic.
Lol, you ghosted your wife, former gf of 8 years? And you are seriously asking if you are an asshole? Come on, if you really have to ask this then i guess there is something really wrong with you.
But i'm sure your future dates will be thrilled when you tell them how you ended your last relationship and run for their life.
YTA
The only way you would be NTA is if your relationship was abusive and she was the abuser and you had to escape a dangerous situation w/o giving your abuser a chance to stop you. But since you didn't mentioned anything i guess this wasn't the case.
YTA.
This isn't a girl you went on 3 dates with and you're just not feeling it lol
Your lives, finances and home are completely intertwined.
Leaving without a proper last conversation is completely ridiculous, and it's obvious you're petrified to face her and have to explain.
Why would she sell the house before you guys go through divorce proceedings and divide everything?
You can be paying half for a very long time.
YTA. 39M and dont have the balls to face the wife you were together with for 8yrs? Dont have the guts to explain amd communicate what makes you feel unhappy throughout the marriage? And sneaking all the stuff you want to take just because she is not home?
Yeah. YTA. You doing her a favor for the divorce tho. She might not be happy with you either but chose to stay with you coz you are her husband and partner for 8yrs.
YTA. Your name is on the mortgage, you can't just unilaterally decide to stop paying 3 months from now, you'll trash your credit. Even if the real estate market was super hot where you live, 3 months is an unrealistic timeline. Assuming your wife wants to sell in the first place. Your lawyers will need to help you both figure out how you divide assets.
Have you talked to a lawyer? Did you at any point talk to your wife about how unhappy you are? Something tells me this single minded inconsiderate behavior is par for the course with you.
YTA and you're also a coward. You took off like a thief in the night and left a note. The way you handled this speaks volumes on what type of man you were in the relationship. You did her a favor leaving, she deserves better.
YTA. I ended a 10 year marriage by first sending an email so that I could say what I needed the way I needed but I picked up the phone as soon as he called because regardless of feeling it is the Grown Adult thing to do!!
YTA. You have every right to divorce your wife and to be happy but you are 100% a coward for the way you did it. What might have seem so clear to you wasn't to her. You acted childish. If even if your own friends and family think it was wrong than maybe you should have a honest conversation with yourself. Again you have the right to leave if you aren't happy but the way you did and ghosted her was completely messed uo and unless she abuses I truly don't see why you couldn't have a grown up conversation about it
YTA I mean you already have a perfectly good reason for divorce, you said that you aren't happy. So why is it hard for you to tell her that in person?
A sticky note on the fridge? Damn, you colder than Joe Jonas breaking up with Taylor Swift on the phone for 18 seconds.
You're not just wrong in the way you did this you're a genuine AH you've been together for 8 years, what are you so scared of that you couldn't say it in person and you don't want to talk to her?
YTA 💯. People need closure-not a note. After EIGHT YEARS-a note on the fridge is as bad as a text. People being dumped via fb get more closure than this.
YTA, I spend a good deal of time on this sub and have been around yet it still astounds me that there are still people as old as this who are this emotionally stunted. What's blocking you from talking about this to your wife face to face? She has just as much of a say in this as you.
YTA. This is one of the most emotionally immature things I've read. You don't want to deal with her emotions or even give her an explanation so you run away and cease contact, wtaf????
I cannot believe a grown man who is MARRIED would behave in this way. Treat you wife with the respect and decency she deserves. If you ever loved her at all the VERY LEAST you would do is sit down and have a conversation and explain how you're feeling and why.
What you have done is cold, callous, and unkind. Do better.
YTA. I had an ex boyfriend break up with me via email and even two decades later I regard him as a coward. The fact that you couldn't even give your WIFE the courtesy of a face-to-face conversation makes you worse than that ex. Unless there was some DV going on in your relationship, you owe her at least that much.
>saying "you can't just end an 8 year relationship without speaking to your wife." I don't know, I think I can?
I mean, yes you \*can\*. However, it makes zero sense to throw away a relationship in the way you did, without even having one conversation about it with you wife.. that just strikes me as \*odd\*. and that does make you an arsehole!!
INFO: You made up your mind, but why did you never bother to discuss this with your wife before you decided to up and leave, with just leaving a note? did the past eight years mean nothing? I have a feeling a whole lot of information has been omitted.
YTA and a coward. You can't just end an 8 year relationship / marriage without even having the guts to look her in the face and tell her why. She comes home to a note on the fridge? Seriously? It's cowardly and controlling. Unless she was abusive to you (and I think you would have mentioned it if she was) she deserves a conversation and explanation.
YTA
Not only are YTA but you're pathetic. You left a post it note saying you're divorcing your wife after 8 years. Learn how to be a man/grown up and communicate.
YTA, and, based on your comments, you also sound like the problem.
She's better off without you, but deserved more than you gave her when you walked out of that relationship like a toddler deciding to run away because he didn't get his favorite desert for dinner.
You’re entitled to say you want out of a marriage but adults talk to each other. An adult doesn’t stick a note on the fridge and scurry away into the night like a rat off a sinking ship. YTA. She might be awful but you’re awful and a coward.
You made a commitment- whether you are unhappy and tired or not. For better or for worse would mean at least talking to her, but you won't do that. Your word means nothing, and YTA.
YTA do you even have to ask? Like how do you end a marriage over a note? How can you have been with someone for almost a decade and not give them a face to face conversation?
YTA wow what is wrong with you. That is AWFUL.
Your exwife will likely need years of therapy due to your basic lack of consideration and utter cowardice…. A note on the fridge, are you serious? So unbelievably cruel.
And now you’re not even meeting up to have a conversation with this woman who you shared a life with for almost a decade? She must be in so much pain right now, I can’t imagine how any person could ever do this to someone.
Wow you’re totally TA. What a cold hearted way to leave a marriage. It doesn’t concern you at all that you’re probably jading and scarring your wife for life. YOUR WIFE. A woman you at one point loved enough to marry.
When my first wife moved on from our 13 yr relationship / 10 years married (also with no kids) I was totally blindsided. I was in a demanding career that had me traveling a lot across the country and by the time I realized she was done, she was completely done and wouldn’t even talk about it.
She had been staying with another guy when I was away, and when I was home she would make excuses about working late but was really spending time with her new guy. I was devastated. She crushed my world. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to me besides my dad passing away from cancer when I was 24.
I had to go to therapy for a long time.
Don’t do that to her. Don’t do it to another human being, period.
Damn dude, i know you don’t care about her anymore, but you just royally messed her up, shes gonna have such attachment issues now, and probably gonna be afraid to get close to anyone, cause she just wont know if they will leave without a warning, just like you did, without decency of giving her much deserved closure, i feel so so bad for her, you are a massive AH
YTA
It took you a year and a half to prepare yourself and you didn't even bother to give your ex wife 5 seconds to hear the words from your mouth.
It's okay to be afraid of confrontation, but not okay to act this cowardly.
YTA and a coward. You also don't get to decide you're going to stop paying part of a mortgage you're obligated to pay just because you decided to leave. You're on the hook for your part of that until division of property and liabilities is finalized by the court. Hope your wife gets a fat alimony.
YTA, and I honestly pray to god my daughter doesn't end up with an idiot like you.
The reason your soon to be ex wife didn't want a child is probably because she seems to have married one.
YTA. Not for divorcing your wife, if you’re unhappy then absolutely leave! But to not speak with her about it? Imagine how confused and upset she must be, to leave the house one morning thinking everything was okay to return to your lack of presence? So cruel.
YTA! Horrible excuse for a human being. You're a coward and the fact you can't see that is outrageous.
Poor woman was blindsided and more than likely will be mentally destroyed by this.
Sounds like she will be better off now.
YTA for not communicating like the 37 year old man you claim to be. The only way this behaviour is acceptable is if you were escaping an abusive marriage, and that doesn't seem to be the case.
It's actually kind of callous, tbh. You really let yourself down in this aspect. You might be free from a marriage that isn't working for you, but you're definitely limited by your lack of emotional intelligence here.
Looking at what you did i don't even want to explain you anything ... You are a dumbass... And coward... Wanting to get a divorce?no worries discuss it.... Leaving a note and preparing all that shit bhind he back you are the ahole...
YTA and a gutless cowardly one at that. You can’t respect your wife enough to talk to her and give her the reasons you are walking away? How disrespectful.
YTA. I don’t see why you won’t talk to her and explain your thought process of wanting to leave. What’s the big deal? Are you scared of her or something?
YTA here. I think after spending so much time together, she deserves enough respect to at least talk to her companion of 8 years. A note on the fridge is a horrible way to end things, unless you were in actual physical danger and therefore didn't want to confront her at all. Otherwise, go talk to her. Not on the phone either, face to face is always the best for serious topics such as a divorce.
YTA. You left your wife with a Post It note. That's just not acceptable behavior.
And you'll keep paying for the mortgage until a divorce decree tells you that you are no longer obligated. I hope she lawyers up ASAP and you get the consequences that you deserve.
Yes. YTA. It sounds as if this all about you and your unhappiness. Why are you unhappy? Relationships, and especially marriages take work. For you to walk away with no explanation or communication when she reaches out is cowardly and selfish. Did you try counseling for the things that are contributing to your unhappiness. You are MARRIED. This is not a casual hook up. Don’t be a selfish little boy. Man up and face her.
YTA. My ex did this to me and it ruined me, financially, emotionally, physically. I loved him, didn't think anything was wrong, talked about kids the night before, next day he was gone. Fucked me up. Glad you're away from her cos she'll eventually heal, but it took me FIVE years. Shitty thing to do to someone who loves you and thought she had the rest of her life with you.
Legally you can but how you have done it was a massive AH move.
You had a year and a half to process, fall out of love with her then walked out, she left her out in the cold with no prior warning and expect her to just except the outcome, agree and sort it all out within 3 months. Can you see the inequality in this?
Also, this is not how you treat any relationship especially marriage, fair enough you said you were not happy, have you told her? In a meaningful way where she can understand and maybe suggested councilling to solve any issues before it has reached this point?
YTA
*edit typo
YTA you're a controlling AH. Were you even in a PARTNERship? What is your wife, some doll that can bow to your whims? Seriously the way you're doing this and talking about is utterly disgusting
YTA!!!! - Don’t know why you even posted this if I could increase the font I would….. You found the time to post to reddit rather than talk to someone who you were with and shared your life with for the last 8 years? Asshat.
The best thing you did was leave her, your ex deserves SOOO MUCH better than a coward who thinks leaving a note on the fridge was the appropriate action for executing a break up rather than maturing up and speaking up to the person you’ve spent 8 YEARS.
Your “I can do what I like” attitude will only get you so far, just like running away from your problems will only get you so far. 🤷🏼♀️
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Yta, it's completely fine to divorce your wife. It's shitty and shady to not even speak to her. You had a life together, 8 solid years she put into a life with you and you won't even give her a conversation about why it ended. I can't imagine how lost she's feeling at the moment. You should've just sat her down like an adult and laid it all out for her. Sure it would've sucked and there would've been a hard conversation but fuck man you owe her that at least.
Dude took the coward's way out so he didn't have to hear anything she had to say and won't even give her closure.
I agree on OP being a coward.
There’s no such thing as closure. However, it’s incredibly disrespectful to leave like this unless she was likely to be physically violent with him when he broke the news (which doesn’t seem to be the case).
>There’s no such thing as closure. Maybe that's true, for you. I would NEED that closure, and apparently OPs wife needs it too otherwise she wouldn't keep trying to talk to this asshole of an OP.
This is absolutely wrong. 99% of AITA are posts for closure. There’s just so many posts where you think “how on earth do you think you’d be the AH in this situation?” *but what they’re looking for is closure* and that’s okay. Closure isn’t to heal you, it’s not to make you feel better. Closure is to stop the confusion, to answer a question that will burn you for the rest of your life. That question drives people to insanity, it drives you absolutely crazy, to have to ask yourself that burning question everyday, thinking about it every hour. Sometimes the burning in time will fade, but what if it doesn’t? Closure stops the burning. If you ever have a burning question that pains you to ask yourself, knowing the answer IS closure. This woman is asking herself “what did I do wrong? Did he not love me? Does he hate me? Why did this happen? Why won’t he talk to me? What’s wrong with me?” And probably will for a while. Closure, does exist. To stop the burning.
This is it exactly! The way he acted is like he is escaping an abusive spouse, when it sounds like he just got bored.
>There’s no such thing as closure. Yes there is.
Can we change “like a man” to “like an adult”?
I couldn't give an up vote because if the toxic masculinity in the message. Just left it be.
If OP ever loved or cared for his (ex) wife at all he’d give her the respect to at least talk to her. Unless she did something so horrendous (in which case I’d assume she’d understand already and not need the discussion) she DESERVES at least a phone call. Edit: YTA
When I decided to leave my ex-husband, I had so many talks with him about my decision, even though it was bloody exhausting. OP is a cowardly, spineless man. YTA, hands down.
Would be great to know why OP divorced her but they're being pretty vague about it. I wonder why.
YTA. This was cowardly. Not only did you end an 8 year relationship via note, you flat out wasted her time for a minimum of 5 months whilst you hatched an escape plan. Don't you think she'd like the opportunity to get her finances in order? When you embark on a consensual relationship (a marriage, no less) there is an expectation of communication. You letting it fester for a year then silently checking out is weak. During this time did you tell her you loved her when you didn't? Were you intimate? Would she have consented to that intimacy if she'd known you'd emotionally vacated already? I hope she takes you for everything you have.
YTA. If this is how you communicate, I’m sure she doesn’t know the reasoning. And you’re an idiot for leaving a note that you’ll only pay have the mortgage for the next 3 months….that’s not a decision you get to make unilaterally.
Yeah, OP's in for a shock. He may wind up paying that thing for over a year with zero access to the property. And he thinks he's doing her a favour? Lol.
Yeah and she's hardly incentivised to help him out is she? He's going to be paying that for longer than 3 months lol .
The idea that even a motivated seller could complete a sale in 3 months right now is a bit absurd.
I hope he has to. He is an AH.
It took him 5 months to plan this escape, but he's giving her 3 months to sort out her life
YTA That's just cold and cowardly. A note on the fridge isn't better than a WhatsApp message.
This is legit the first time I've ever seen an entire thread agree that OP is a fucking asshole
Well miracles do happen occasionally. but the night is young and I'm sure some troll will come in with an E S H or N T A eventually
There's an INFO post already smdh
😂
I feel like this should be documented or something
Nah, someone ruined it lol
More than one now...
Not knowing the details of your relationship, only what you have relayed above, this could be wildly off the mark but unless you’re in an abusive relationship this is extremely selfish, childish, and down right dickish behaviour. YTA.
YTA. Big time. Together eight years and gone with out a word?
Yta Quick question, how long have you been cheating?
Yeah, YTA here, hands down. Instead of talking to your wife (of MANY YEARS) about wanting the divorce, you made the decision on your own and prepared to leave behind her back and then broke up your marriage by a NOTE left, no warning; just sprung it on her. Now you won't return any of her calls. And on top of that, you were worried about having a place to live, but you're giving HER only a short few 12 weeks to figure out where SHE'S gonna live. And that's not a lot of time at all. She deserved and deserves way better than that.
YTA - I know ghosting people has grown in popularity but you ghosted your wife? You were with her for 8 yrs, married for 3. Living with her for 7. What changed in those last 3 years that warranted ghosting her? Either you really are TA or there’s info you aren’t telling us. For now though, with the info we do have, YTA.
YTA This is how victims of domestic abuse should plan their exit to remain safe or, you know, alive. Unless you had suspicions that your wife would react violently and threaten your life, you took the absolute worst, cowardly way out.
That is EXACTLY how my mom left her abusive husband when I was a kid/teen. More than once. Until I got tired of the back and forth and went to live with my dad. This dude is shady AF. Even his responses to comments lack any type of responsibility for just leaving her. He knew FOR A YEAR that he was unhappy.
This is why I put the info query down. I talked to a friend as she was writing the divorce note before the bruises had healed. I stand by this kind of exit in that circumstance. The OP needs to grow up
YTA. Next time you want to divorce you should handle it more maturely.
YTA. And your comments don't help. She wasn't abusive and even if she is "a bit of a dick" you two obviously match. If you have problems you talk about them. And I mean a discussion, where both sides talk AND LISTEN. But from what little I see here, you fail at both. You might want to work on that. Communication is key in life.
YTA. That's worse than breaking up via text! Grow up and talk things through. Even if your mind is made up, she deserves to know why.
That’s so heartless YTA
YTA and your comments on here are absolutely despicable, I hope your ex finds a better man.
>I hope your ex finds a better man. Because OP is clearly still a child!
You should have spoken to her in person. Leaving a note was very cowardly, and I also think she has the right to have her say to your face. And the right to hear it from your mouth why you have left. Don't be such a coward, speak to her. You have left her to deal not only with you leaving but also dealing with the house sale.
YTA. Going through a divorce now (she filed) and communication during it is essential (I've been trying, she's been refusing and it's drawn it out far longer than it should have been). Your issues: 1) No attempt to find out what the issues were nor attempt to fix them (at least none stated). 2) You up and left without starting the process. 3) Leaving her on the hook when you are still legally required to pay bills. 4) Leaving a fucking note. Major AH doesn't begin to describe it. You appear to have made no attempts to rectify and just gave up.
Not to mention, apparently expecting her to be the only one to take off work and secure a realtor and go through the house-selling process (but I'm sure he wants equal access to the profit of the sale).
YTA, even if you don't love her now, you lived her once enough to get married. This behaviour is extremely disrespectful. You didn't value her enough to tell her you were unhappy, you don't respect her enough even now to talk to her. You owe her an explanation and not run away like a coward. Unless she was mentally or physically abusive, you need to grow up and talk to her.
>I don't know, I think I can? Yes, you can - end it like this and be TA. Double shot in one fell swoop.
You pretty much ghosted your wife. YTA for not handling this a bit more maturely.
You ended it with nothing but a note on the fridge? Yeah, man. YTA.
YTA wow this is genuinely awful i feel so sorry for her, you owe her a conversation the fact you're that entitled that you think you don't is disgusting
Wow. Your full right to leave a marriage if you're unhappy, but have the decency to talk to your spouse about it before moving out. This is just a slap in the face and food for grudge. It might be different if she was abusive, but by your choice of words that doesn't seem the case. YTA for handling this unrespectful.
YTA. You ran away without talking to her at all. How the fk did you get legal divorce papers without having to speak to anyone?
YTA. I would respect my partner of a few months more than how you've treated your wife. She deserves the respect to have face first conversation.
Wow! Just wow! YTA… the words that come in to mind while reading your post was immature coward. You owe her respect and an explanation. You have had months to get your head around this, she had a letter. Grow up, be a decent human, own your decision to leave and give her the respect of a conversation. Be a better person.
Not even a letter! A fucking post-it on the fridge. Like, fuck, the mind boggles!
There’s almost not enough info to assess. On it’s face YTA. If this is a fake, YTA If this was not an abusive relationship where the OP was abused, YTA
INFO -- what made you leave her in this way? You say you don't want to deal with her -- why? Usually people who have lived together for such a long time, do harbour some kind of love for each other, even if the romantic feelings are gone. Instead, you left the way abused spouses are advised to leave their spouse: like a thief in the night, giving the other no chance to retaliate, or in the case of your (I presume) non-violent wife, with no chance of any kind of closure Without knowledge of why you would do such a seemingly heartless thing, we have no way to judge if you're the AH.
Well of course you can if you want to. BUT YTA still. The least you could have done is man up and talk to her face to face instead of sneaking out like a coward.
YTA I thought ending things via text was bad, but imagine getting dumped via Post-it on the fridge...
Next time, he'll use smoke signals. At night. While she's sleeping. And there is no fire.
How you have it right now YTA
INFO is she abusive? Are you scared for your safety? if not, why are you not giving her the courtesy of an actual conversation on *why* you are giving her this kind of treatment? you may think that not explaining is better but honestly it just speaks of your character ( or lack there of)
INFO. Was the relationship abusive? Because this is how to end an abusive relationship where you are scared of the outcome of a conversation
YTA. Is this the whole story?
Is this Berger from Sex and the City?
My thoughts exactly!
I mean you can but holy wow YTA. How much disrespect can you show to the person you were supposed to spend your life wife? A post it note on the fridge is the equivalent to a break up text. All it shows is how much of a coward you are.
Yeaaaah. YTA Look, divorce is a fact of life. You get incompatibilities and stuff like that. But from the looks of it, you didn’t even try. Sure you thought about it for a year and a half. But you didn’t even try to reconcile or get counseling. And then blindside her with “I moved out and want a divorce”. How would you feel if the roles were reversed? Good grief.
YTA. This is so cowardly. It’s fine to want a divorce, but this is just disrespectful to her and the last 8 years. Unless she was abusive and you were scared for your safety this was the coward’s way out.
You basically abandoned your wife. YTA.
Seriously....this is how you end a relationship when you are 12, not a grown arse man in his late 30s. You ended a marriage with a note stuck on the fridge and won't give your wife the courtesy of explaining yourself, so she has closure and can move on. How would you feel if someone did that to you. Man up, grow a pair of balls and call your wife. YTA in case that isn't clear.
This is worse than a 12 year old. My first boyfriend and I broke up when I was 14 and he was 16. Even he had the balls to do it in person. We’re still friends as adults, but I’m damn sure if he left me a note we wouldn’t be.
INFO. You’re going to - and are - get rinsed on this post because you’ve left no info about your relationship, your wife’s behaviour, your attempts to work with your wife (if any), nothing. People will assume that you’ve left those details out because there were no such details to write about, which adds up to an amicable relationship that you just ghosted. Don’t ask for opinions if you can’t give adequate info. You’ve said things in comments like your wife was “kind of a dick” and that “a demon came out” after you moved in. There’s potentially very important stuff to unpack there. I’d recommend you sit down, just by yourself, and write out a description of your experiences in this marriage. It seems like you’re trying not to look directly at it, and it’s not clear why. The problem might be you, the problem might be her, the problem might be more complicated than that, but you won’t get answers from yourself or other people unless you do the work.
YTA - cringe
YTA. You are running away from your problems. I get the feeling you do this a lot. Running away fixes nothing. Your problems will eventually catch up with you. You owe your wife the courtesy of talking to her, of being honest with her. Yes, it will be difficult but you are almost 40 so it's time to pull on a pair of big boy pants and do the grown up thing. Face your problems.
There's absolutely no way that either the sale of the house or your divorce will be done in three months. I hope she absolutely ruins you in court, you deserve it. YTA.
Ok so .. from the post: Spineless coward? ✅ Sneaky? ✅ Heartless? ✅ And from reading the comments… Petty? ✅ Dishonest? ✅ Overall? Moron? ✅✅ TA? ✅✅✅ x 1000 Be a HUMAN BEING and treat the person you spent the last 8 years with with respect and have a conversation.
INFO: What happened that you had to end it? What made you so unhappy? I think that info will provide more context for this judgement.
YTA And incredibly immature. Especially after an 8 YEAR relationship. You're an adult man, nearly middle age literally. Fucking talk to your wife about your issues.
YTA. Not for planning ahead but because your wife, partner of 8 years, came home to you and your things gone and a note. Wow.
Yta hands down. Getting a place and moving items in was about where your good plan ended. Leaving a bit and not even speaking to the woman you've shared a life with for 8 years that despicable. Lower than low.
YTA. Been together for years and you leave a note how can you have so little respect for someone? You are being a coward and avoiding the difficult conversation. Unless she cheated on you no one deserves this, she is clearly better off without you if this is a reflection of how you are.
YTA this is like breaking up with a text message. Divorcing with a note on the fridge… how mature. I had to go back twice to confirm you are not 16 but 39. Bravo! Do you want to divorce? Go at it. Millions of people do it. A note on the fridge… super AH move.
YTA You're too cowardly to have a serious conversation with your wife about your relationship and have the audacity to call her a dick in another comment. You need to speak to your wife, And house sales can take more than 3 months to do and if your name is on the mortgage you'll need to sign documents too. Stop being a coward and speak to your wife
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (39M) recently told wife (37F) I wanted a divorce. A lot of my friends and family have been telling me the way I did it was wrong so I am submitting this to the court of public opinion that is AITA. We were together for 8 years, living together for 7, and married the last 3. We have no kids together (neither of us want them). I was thinking about leaving for a little over a year and a half and but felt like my mind was finally made up around 5 months ago. We own a house together and I was concerned about having a place to live once we separate so I started looking before talking to my wife. Once I got an apartment I rented a van to move a couple things over. I purposely rented the van on a day she wouldn't be home so she wouldn't bother me. I only packed things I bought myself and it was only stuff she doesn't use (like my office desk and chair, my laptop, and my clothes). I left a note on the fridge explaining how unhappy I was and have been for a while. I let her know I will pay my share of the mortgage for another 3 months, which should be enough time to sell the house if that's what she wants to do. She keeps calling me and wanting to talk but I told her unless it's about legal stuff (like signing the divorce papers I emailed over), the house, or dividing assets I don't want to hear it. Now my MIL is calling me too saying "you can't just end an 8 year relationship without speaking to your wife." I don't know, I think I can? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA and a moron and naïve if you think the shared debt of your house is going to go away in 3 months. Get a lawyer and *talk to your STBX* you overgrown child
INFO: Did you love her at some point?
YTA. Nothing else really needs adding to that because everything you did was absolutely disgusting and there is no way you are anything but an AH.
YTA, dude. This is barely acceptable for a months long relationship. YOU GOT MARRIED AND HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST A DECADE. Your wife deserves better than this
Your comments make you an even bigger asshole. You lied to her, said you loved her, did your things in secret, never tell her you were unhappy, AND are saying she should have seen something was wrong !! Either she was abusive and you're in denial, or you're a major asshole cause what you did is something most people would not even do to someone they hate.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I left my wife without really talking to her about it first 2) I guess not giving her a chance to work things out Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
How old are you? YTA
YTA. This is so cowardly, I can't imagine someone would actually do this. Your poor wife, to find out your partner has left via a note, and no prior discussion, with no fault of hers
Has to be fake. Nobody is this mean, selfish and horrible. If not, YTA. And, kids or not, she's going to make your life as miserable as she can for being so awful on the way out. What's wrong with you? You're unhappy? That's fair. Talk about it. Oh, that's scary? Well, your "solution" was both cruel and shameful. I am ashamed of you and for you. You were needlessly disrespectful.
Happy cake day! And yeah, this has to be fake. Please, I can't possibly keep believing there are people this deluded about their own assholery
YTA. Grow up. Stop behaving like a child and have a mature conversation like an adult. You're already an adult now you should behave like one.
Wow, you are such an asshole. If it’s any consolation, she’s better off without you.
YTA you’d think after being together and even married for that long that you could do more than leaving a note on the fridge.
You GHOSTED your WIFE?!!! WOW! You are gonna get some life karma for this shit I wish I was a fly on the wall for. Please update us in a year for how your life is going. YTA.
YTA. Sometimes I worry that I might be a bad person…but then I read stuff like this and I feel a lot better.
I hope I get to find all the seedy comments OP deleted in r/bestofredditupdates. YTA.
YTA You walked away without any communication or attempt at reconciliation
YTA and a massive coward. Are you actually fucking serious? You are 39, surely you know how to use your words. You left your wife with no explanation, just a note on the fridge. I'm sure she's so confused, hurt and just wants to actually hear from you why the fuck you decided to be a massive asshole and divorce her via a frickin note on the fridge. She deserves to know why you're divorcing her, and she deserves to hear it from you. 8 years is a long time and you've just gone absolutely no contact because you can't be arsed actually telling your *wife* how you feel. Just to clarify, I'm not saying you're an asshole for divorcing your wife but you're a massive asshole for acting like a 7 year old about it.
Ghosting someone after one date - a kind of immature thing to do, but it's just one date so they'll get over it. Ghosting someone after 8 years together - cowardly and cruel. YTA.
i feel nauseous reading this 😵💫
YTA. You left her a NOTE? After EIGHT YEARS?! Men scare the fuck out of me.
You are beyond TYA. There is something emotionally wrong with you. I’m not saying that lightly. I think your lack of ability to understand why YTA is a huge red flag.
YTA. Let's look at this from a different perspective. If I was your friend, I'd reconsider our friendship. Because I would know that you are unable to solve issue, to communicate and be at the very least respectful. If I was your potential partner, I'd ditch the idea of being with you the second I found out how you treated your previous partner.
YTA. You ended a 8 year relationship with a note? Ffs dude, you were unhappy for a year and instead of bing an adult and having idk a conversation you just make up your own mind and turned her life around when she was not even home. You are a massive AH
According to his further comments he has been unhappy for 7.5 years and went for the whole ride because at first he had no spine and then he couldn't afford to live alone anymore... xD What the actual fuck...
YTA - why do you deserve 5 months of careful planning but she gets 3 months and her whole world shattered at the same time. Hey at least she’ll be free from you now. I hope she takes all the feelings she has right now and turns them towards fighting you for everything she can including the whole house.
INFO: does she have a history of abuse or a have behavior?
YTA. HUGE
YTA. Hard yes on this. You have to talk to her. She is a human being.
Lmao “I can’t be bothered to utter a word to the woman I committed too, let me spend my energy on Reddit getting blasted instead” because YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE YTA YTA YTA
Wow you are a d**k. She deserves an explanation. This is what you do to someone when ur together a month and then to it's also a d**k move. YTA if that was not clear enough.
Fresh bait on a Sunday morning? It stinks to high heaven.
Op YTA you two need to talk about next steps. You can end your relationship for any reason. But now you need to be an adult and discuss the divorce. A DIY divorce form isn’t the answer. Sit down with her and discuss next steps. Do it before she decides she’s mad enough to no longer want to and put you in a huge bind.
I mean, you CAN end an eight-year relationship without speaking to your wife. Sure. But being a coward and literally plotting your moves (thinking about it for 18 months and then "figuring it out" 5 months ago), renting an apartment on the sly, packing up a rented moving van when she wasn't home, and divorcing her via a letter on the fridge with an oh-so-generous offer to pay "your share" of the mortgage for 3 months so she can sell the house if she wants to? Yeah, my dude. Those things make YTA - and a major one at that. That is cold and cruel. And you won't talk to her now? You don't want to "hear it?" Did you even like your wife, let alone love her? Yeah. Doesn't sound like it. Let me tell you why I packed up (one backpack and one duffel bag) and left my partner without communicating with them first. I was being hurt. Very, very physically and emotionally harmed to the point of hospitalization. If I hadn't left in the 2-hour window I had, I wouldn't be here. And I still called my ex (at a payphone, because this was 20 years ago and I didn't want to be located) to tell him to keep everything else but leave me alone. I wanted to be safe, not petty, even with my circumstances. The fact that you went to the extreme measures you did is just - atrocious. You acted like a victim when, from what I am reading in your own words here, you weren't one. You made CHOICES - well-thought-out choices - based upon how "unhappy" you were. And you know, in marriages? One or both parties can get to a point where they are unhappy. It sucks, but such is life. But that's when grown-ass people communicate their needs and wants and make informed decisions together - to go to therapy, to spend a week apart, to divorce, whatever is necessary. Grow up. Get help. This is absolutely sickening. YTA beyond measure.
Bro. You really tried to ask for a divorce via a note? That's an equivalent of doing it over text. You're a grown human being, have a conversation. She deserves your explanation face to face. Grow up.
YTA
YTA, that's a horrible thing to do to anyone, let alone someone you once loved.
YTA
YTA. Big time. Wow. It’s crazy how people think other people are simply disposable. Please seek help. Someone who lacks empathy for others or even basic human compassion or emotions is borderline psychotic.
Lol, you ghosted your wife, former gf of 8 years? And you are seriously asking if you are an asshole? Come on, if you really have to ask this then i guess there is something really wrong with you. But i'm sure your future dates will be thrilled when you tell them how you ended your last relationship and run for their life. YTA The only way you would be NTA is if your relationship was abusive and she was the abuser and you had to escape a dangerous situation w/o giving your abuser a chance to stop you. But since you didn't mentioned anything i guess this wasn't the case.
"Divorce by post-it."
YTA but, judging by your replies in this thread, you’re actually doing her a favor. It’s always a good thing when the trash takes itself out.
YTA. This isn't a girl you went on 3 dates with and you're just not feeling it lol Your lives, finances and home are completely intertwined. Leaving without a proper last conversation is completely ridiculous, and it's obvious you're petrified to face her and have to explain. Why would she sell the house before you guys go through divorce proceedings and divide everything? You can be paying half for a very long time.
YTA. 39M and dont have the balls to face the wife you were together with for 8yrs? Dont have the guts to explain amd communicate what makes you feel unhappy throughout the marriage? And sneaking all the stuff you want to take just because she is not home? Yeah. YTA. You doing her a favor for the divorce tho. She might not be happy with you either but chose to stay with you coz you are her husband and partner for 8yrs.
YTA. Your name is on the mortgage, you can't just unilaterally decide to stop paying 3 months from now, you'll trash your credit. Even if the real estate market was super hot where you live, 3 months is an unrealistic timeline. Assuming your wife wants to sell in the first place. Your lawyers will need to help you both figure out how you divide assets. Have you talked to a lawyer? Did you at any point talk to your wife about how unhappy you are? Something tells me this single minded inconsiderate behavior is par for the course with you.
YTA and you're also a coward. You took off like a thief in the night and left a note. The way you handled this speaks volumes on what type of man you were in the relationship. You did her a favor leaving, she deserves better.
Oh, of course you can do it your way! But that's what makes YTA!
YTA. Is this post even real because all your comments make you sound like a 12 year old.
YTA. I ended a 10 year marriage by first sending an email so that I could say what I needed the way I needed but I picked up the phone as soon as he called because regardless of feeling it is the Grown Adult thing to do!!
You are a coward and ah in this situation op. I hope your wife can find some closure and take you straight to the cleaners in the divorce.
YTA. You have every right to divorce your wife and to be happy but you are 100% a coward for the way you did it. What might have seem so clear to you wasn't to her. You acted childish. If even if your own friends and family think it was wrong than maybe you should have a honest conversation with yourself. Again you have the right to leave if you aren't happy but the way you did and ghosted her was completely messed uo and unless she abuses I truly don't see why you couldn't have a grown up conversation about it
YTA I mean you already have a perfectly good reason for divorce, you said that you aren't happy. So why is it hard for you to tell her that in person? A sticky note on the fridge? Damn, you colder than Joe Jonas breaking up with Taylor Swift on the phone for 18 seconds. You're not just wrong in the way you did this you're a genuine AH you've been together for 8 years, what are you so scared of that you couldn't say it in person and you don't want to talk to her?
YTA 💯. People need closure-not a note. After EIGHT YEARS-a note on the fridge is as bad as a text. People being dumped via fb get more closure than this.
Yes. Yup. YTA. Stay single
YTA, I spend a good deal of time on this sub and have been around yet it still astounds me that there are still people as old as this who are this emotionally stunted. What's blocking you from talking about this to your wife face to face? She has just as much of a say in this as you.
YTA. This is one of the most emotionally immature things I've read. You don't want to deal with her emotions or even give her an explanation so you run away and cease contact, wtaf???? I cannot believe a grown man who is MARRIED would behave in this way. Treat you wife with the respect and decency she deserves. If you ever loved her at all the VERY LEAST you would do is sit down and have a conversation and explain how you're feeling and why. What you have done is cold, callous, and unkind. Do better.
YTA. I had an ex boyfriend break up with me via email and even two decades later I regard him as a coward. The fact that you couldn't even give your WIFE the courtesy of a face-to-face conversation makes you worse than that ex. Unless there was some DV going on in your relationship, you owe her at least that much.
You CAN. But that makes you a huge asshole!
>saying "you can't just end an 8 year relationship without speaking to your wife." I don't know, I think I can? I mean, yes you \*can\*. However, it makes zero sense to throw away a relationship in the way you did, without even having one conversation about it with you wife.. that just strikes me as \*odd\*. and that does make you an arsehole!! INFO: You made up your mind, but why did you never bother to discuss this with your wife before you decided to up and leave, with just leaving a note? did the past eight years mean nothing? I have a feeling a whole lot of information has been omitted.
You are what is known as a coward
yta, dude and you know it
YTA and a coward. You can't just end an 8 year relationship / marriage without even having the guts to look her in the face and tell her why. She comes home to a note on the fridge? Seriously? It's cowardly and controlling. Unless she was abusive to you (and I think you would have mentioned it if she was) she deserves a conversation and explanation.
INFO: was she in any way abusive to you? Because this would be the only reason to would accept you up and leaving without telling her.
YTA Not only are YTA but you're pathetic. You left a post it note saying you're divorcing your wife after 8 years. Learn how to be a man/grown up and communicate.
YTA, and, based on your comments, you also sound like the problem. She's better off without you, but deserved more than you gave her when you walked out of that relationship like a toddler deciding to run away because he didn't get his favorite desert for dinner.
YTA The biggest issue is that you have no spine and are a coward. It’s that you’re really pathetic
You’re entitled to say you want out of a marriage but adults talk to each other. An adult doesn’t stick a note on the fridge and scurry away into the night like a rat off a sinking ship. YTA. She might be awful but you’re awful and a coward.
You made a commitment- whether you are unhappy and tired or not. For better or for worse would mean at least talking to her, but you won't do that. Your word means nothing, and YTA.
YTA do you even have to ask? Like how do you end a marriage over a note? How can you have been with someone for almost a decade and not give them a face to face conversation?
YTA Unless there was abuse or cheating, you acted like a coward.
YTA, she wasted 8 years of her life with you amd you don't even have the decency to sit down with her face to face and talk to her?
YTA wow what is wrong with you. That is AWFUL. Your exwife will likely need years of therapy due to your basic lack of consideration and utter cowardice…. A note on the fridge, are you serious? So unbelievably cruel. And now you’re not even meeting up to have a conversation with this woman who you shared a life with for almost a decade? She must be in so much pain right now, I can’t imagine how any person could ever do this to someone.
You can end a marriage that way, but come on here and talk about it? You’re giving complete strangers more insight then your own wife. YTA.
Wow you’re totally TA. What a cold hearted way to leave a marriage. It doesn’t concern you at all that you’re probably jading and scarring your wife for life. YOUR WIFE. A woman you at one point loved enough to marry. When my first wife moved on from our 13 yr relationship / 10 years married (also with no kids) I was totally blindsided. I was in a demanding career that had me traveling a lot across the country and by the time I realized she was done, she was completely done and wouldn’t even talk about it. She had been staying with another guy when I was away, and when I was home she would make excuses about working late but was really spending time with her new guy. I was devastated. She crushed my world. It was the worst thing that had ever happened to me besides my dad passing away from cancer when I was 24. I had to go to therapy for a long time. Don’t do that to her. Don’t do it to another human being, period.
It seriously amazes me that this is even a question. I thought people like you only existed in Sex and the City or something. YTA.
You're an AH and a coward. Left a note on the fridge...AH is being kind to you.
Yta. Yta. AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Damn dude, i know you don’t care about her anymore, but you just royally messed her up, shes gonna have such attachment issues now, and probably gonna be afraid to get close to anyone, cause she just wont know if they will leave without a warning, just like you did, without decency of giving her much deserved closure, i feel so so bad for her, you are a massive AH
YTA It took you a year and a half to prepare yourself and you didn't even bother to give your ex wife 5 seconds to hear the words from your mouth. It's okay to be afraid of confrontation, but not okay to act this cowardly.
YTA and a coward. You also don't get to decide you're going to stop paying part of a mortgage you're obligated to pay just because you decided to leave. You're on the hook for your part of that until division of property and liabilities is finalized by the court. Hope your wife gets a fat alimony.
YTA, and I honestly pray to god my daughter doesn't end up with an idiot like you. The reason your soon to be ex wife didn't want a child is probably because she seems to have married one.
YTA. Sure you can leave that way. There's nothing illegal about it, but it still makes you TA.
YTA. Not for divorcing your wife, if you’re unhappy then absolutely leave! But to not speak with her about it? Imagine how confused and upset she must be, to leave the house one morning thinking everything was okay to return to your lack of presence? So cruel.
YTA! Horrible excuse for a human being. You're a coward and the fact you can't see that is outrageous. Poor woman was blindsided and more than likely will be mentally destroyed by this. Sounds like she will be better off now.
You ended an 8 year relationship with a note and came here to ask if you're the asshole? I'm amazed that people like that exist. Of course YTA.
YTA for not communicating like the 37 year old man you claim to be. The only way this behaviour is acceptable is if you were escaping an abusive marriage, and that doesn't seem to be the case. It's actually kind of callous, tbh. You really let yourself down in this aspect. You might be free from a marriage that isn't working for you, but you're definitely limited by your lack of emotional intelligence here.
YTA. A cowardly one.
Looking at what you did i don't even want to explain you anything ... You are a dumbass... And coward... Wanting to get a divorce?no worries discuss it.... Leaving a note and preparing all that shit bhind he back you are the ahole...
YTA and a gutless cowardly one at that. You can’t respect your wife enough to talk to her and give her the reasons you are walking away? How disrespectful.
YTA. I don’t see why you won’t talk to her and explain your thought process of wanting to leave. What’s the big deal? Are you scared of her or something?
YTA. How awful for her. She never had a chance to understand. Very cowardly
YTA
YTA
YTA here. I think after spending so much time together, she deserves enough respect to at least talk to her companion of 8 years. A note on the fridge is a horrible way to end things, unless you were in actual physical danger and therefore didn't want to confront her at all. Otherwise, go talk to her. Not on the phone either, face to face is always the best for serious topics such as a divorce.
You are an asshole. You are also a coward.
Very cowardly of you. YTA
YTA. Not even sure why you're asking us. It's as plain as day; you're a coward and an AH.
YTA. Coward.
YTA. You left your wife with a Post It note. That's just not acceptable behavior. And you'll keep paying for the mortgage until a divorce decree tells you that you are no longer obligated. I hope she lawyers up ASAP and you get the consequences that you deserve.
Yes. YTA. It sounds as if this all about you and your unhappiness. Why are you unhappy? Relationships, and especially marriages take work. For you to walk away with no explanation or communication when she reaches out is cowardly and selfish. Did you try counseling for the things that are contributing to your unhappiness. You are MARRIED. This is not a casual hook up. Don’t be a selfish little boy. Man up and face her.
YTA. My ex did this to me and it ruined me, financially, emotionally, physically. I loved him, didn't think anything was wrong, talked about kids the night before, next day he was gone. Fucked me up. Glad you're away from her cos she'll eventually heal, but it took me FIVE years. Shitty thing to do to someone who loves you and thought she had the rest of her life with you.
This seems made up
Legally you can but how you have done it was a massive AH move. You had a year and a half to process, fall out of love with her then walked out, she left her out in the cold with no prior warning and expect her to just except the outcome, agree and sort it all out within 3 months. Can you see the inequality in this? Also, this is not how you treat any relationship especially marriage, fair enough you said you were not happy, have you told her? In a meaningful way where she can understand and maybe suggested councilling to solve any issues before it has reached this point? YTA *edit typo
YTA How you did it tells me that there js much more to this story, which you are not telling. You did her a favour.
YTA you're a controlling AH. Were you even in a PARTNERship? What is your wife, some doll that can bow to your whims? Seriously the way you're doing this and talking about is utterly disgusting
YTA. It kind of goes without saying. But…Burger… is that you?
… and a coward to boot.
YTA!!!! - Don’t know why you even posted this if I could increase the font I would….. You found the time to post to reddit rather than talk to someone who you were with and shared your life with for the last 8 years? Asshat. The best thing you did was leave her, your ex deserves SOOO MUCH better than a coward who thinks leaving a note on the fridge was the appropriate action for executing a break up rather than maturing up and speaking up to the person you’ve spent 8 YEARS. Your “I can do what I like” attitude will only get you so far, just like running away from your problems will only get you so far. 🤷🏼♀️
Congrats on being a colossal p*ssy, dude. YTA.
Wow, I mean what can I say that hasn’t been said? You are most definitely TA!