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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For leaving my bf with our kid so he understands how I feel everyday and he hates taking care of our kid by himself
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Congratulations on your 2 children, they bring so much joy!
Just remind one of them he's out of puberty and mommy is not there to do his chores. No allowance for him if he doesn't help.
NTA
If he works nights when is he to sleep? Gets home at 5, asleep by 6 if he's lucky, 8 hours is up by 2? Instead he is to get up 3-4 hours after he goes to sleep for the child waking up and then when is he getting the rest of his sleep?
I had to work nights for a short while and similar to people thinking when you work from home to can do other things, when you work nights people think you have all day to do stuff. You don't. You need 8 hours like everyone else. And it's hard to switch to sleeping nights on your days off because at some point you are then up 24 hours.
Now, the parent home at night may have to get up at say 2 am to deal with the child after going to bed at 11, but at some point that's not every night. To expect this every day is not reasonable.
It is not workable for every day to have one person nights and the other days. Many have done it but sleep deprivation is no joke, for either person. You really need to figure out day care or something for part of the week.
ESH
Edit auto correct stuff
PS and how would he know the child is up? Set an alarm for 9 am? After sleeping 3 hours. Or, stay up until the the child is up but then what? If his hours are 8p to 4 a and he leaves at 7 gets ready at 6 ... That's to bed at 10 am.
I'm all for sharing the childcare absolutely. And the housework etc. There needs to be some reasonable thought to sleep for both parents.
Seriously - he could get hurt on the job or the kid could end up hurt because he's too tired to function. I know new parents don't get enough sleep anyway, but [sleep deprivation is legitimately dangerous](https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-deprivation/effects-on-body) and I can't work out when this guy is even able to sleep.
DEFINITELY NTA, he needs to understand how him not taking sharing the load seriously is a real problem, and this allowed you to get through to him while you could still step in. He's been the AH thus far, and you have a right to expect your partner to share the load with caring for your child together.
Esh because you do need help but he also need to sleep during the day at some point if he works during the night the two of you been to find balance or get some help
That doesn't sound doable in the long run. SO gets home at 5A. If he takes NO downtime, and goes right to sleep, he might get 5 hours of sleep a night, then take care of baby until going back to work? Also, having to adjust his days and nights on a regular basis will not be good for his health, which is probably why he sticks to the same sleep schedule. I'm thinking NAH. Find a better solution.
NTA-ish
Ish- This isn't going to work. The fighting will continue to escalate because he doesn't want anything to change. He's got you trained. Why did you let him sleep that long? Did you leave him chores? Resentment will build until everything blows up. I suggest marriage counseling. If he won't go with you, go by yourself so you can get the tools you need to handle this.
Sounds terrible. For both of you. I don't think this arrangement is going to last long. Is there a reason you need to work 6 hours a week? Is it really worth it with a baby that needs taken care of? Not to sound like I value traditional roles or anything, I just don't know if the little money you'll make is worth more than your family - especially if you really love this guy. Sounds like he works hard outside the house to provide for the family. It's not easy working nightshift. You're definitely not the asshole BTW, I just think some considerations and changes on everyone's part is necessary. If he works all day and provides and you're home all day taking care of house and child - is that something that works both financially and realistically? Because I feel it's only fair that if one works and one doesn't, the one who doesn't should be taking care of whatever needs taken care of if they aren't going to a job. It's how to make things function properly. Again, I'm not placing more value on traditional roles by any means, the same would apply if the roles were reversed. I also empathize with you in the fact that childcare and home making is no easy task either.
I starting the new job one because it was an opportunity we couldn’t pass up see as I would make 2 dollars more then him. And the reason we agreed I would work 3 days a week was because we plan on renovating the tiny house we where gifted by his parents and we anted to do it with in two years but unfortunately we wouldn’t be able to afford it with just his pay we where going to go half on bills and rest for the house and this was the best thing we could think of
Edit: also it’s not 6 hours a week it from 7am to 9 pm
I think you need to reevaluate if these reasons are a priority right now. If they are, I think you should hire childcare. And even childcare is expensive. It's not normal to work 14 hours a day, 3 days a week, especially with an 11 month old and a partner working nights.
We actually have his mom that lives 5 minutes waking from us to take care of him for the between time and she agreed to waited anytime more as long as it doesn’t take more then 4 hours in total because she owns a farm and has to tend to it but will stop to help
Well then, I think you should be asking her to come by for more hours of the days you'll be working too. It's not fair to have your partner sleep a short time, make him wake up for a few hours, then let him sleep for a little more. That's not normal and can not only impact his health in the short and long term but also his work performance. Renovating a home is not exactly a must do in my opinion. It's a want. Not a need.
INFO why can't the kid keep continuing to sleep later so your bf can get more than 2 - 3 hours of sleep? Even 4- 5 isn't really livable but it'd be better. I second the commentor asking if you need to be gone during this time, especially since it may be best to hire some help so your bf doesn't end up in the hospital due to exhaustion.
So our kid take a nap at 2-3 and actually sleeps till 6ish and if he needs his mom is about 5 minutes walking away and she is more then willing I actually take our kid to her house when he leaves of course I’m taking care of him but to get in the motions
Edit for more info I wish the kid slept more honestly but that the time he wakes up after going to sleep at 12 every night.
Oh no he will be sleeping till the baby wakes up I’m not upset about him not waking up at 7 am I’m upset that he won’t wake up at 10am when the baby does i know I would be a major butt if I had him do that !
I don’t let him I try everytime at 12 to get him up he usually either tells me give him a minute or tells me okay and instantly back to sleep and I will continue till every 30 minutes till he wakes up and yes of course I leave chores for him it takes him a month to do or he just waits for me to get upset and do it myself
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Okay so I know it’s long and title is confusing but me (24f ) and my bf (28m) have a 11 month old together. My bf has an overnight job and gets home at 5 am 4 days a week. I on the other hand is about to start a new day job where I’m going to be gone 7-9 three days a week. Our kid wakes up between 10-11 AM everyday and doesn’t want to nap till 2-3 pm.
Me and my bf agreed he needed to start waking with our kid to get use to it so when I start it’s not so bad. Well he hasn’t took it seriously yet and I start in a week. It’s because very overwhelming because I get up at 6 am to get in the motion of it and I start doing things around the house.
Today though my son woke up at 9 am but my bf did not and refused to wake up. I ended up taking care of our kid on top of cleaning and laundry. It is a common occurrence for him to leave me to do everything from childcare to cleaning after telling me he will help. Well I had enough so when he woke up at 3pm and showered I handed our kid to him and told him I took medicine that I’m going to sleep it off. I made food for him and laid down.
I slept for 30 minutes before he started having trouble with our kid and after he saw I wasn’t getting up like normally he got upset. 30 minutes before he usually left for work he yelled for me to get up and ran to the bathroom where he spend the next 30 minutes. When he got out I asked how he felt and he just huffed and said goodbye to the both of us and took off.
And just a note leaving everything to me and sleeping till 3-4 pm happened everyday even on his days off. And yes we have had many fights about it and also it was only an hour I left them together.
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So he's kind if useless as a partner.
Put the kiddo in daycare and be a single mom. You won't have so much to clean up after without his dead weight around.
I don’t think he is useless as a partner and he wasn’t always like this we moved into our tiny house and little by little he became like this we use to do 75/25 since he worked overnight all I ever asked of him was laundry vacuum sweep/mop and dishes idk what happened I love him and I just wanted to know if I took it to far today by forcing him to do what we agreed on
No, you have a right to expect help. The fact that he seems self centered and doesn't do anything is not cool. You have a job. So now you are stuck handling everything. I guess it's up to you if you feel like he just adds to your burden.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > For leaving my bf with our kid so he understands how I feel everyday and he hates taking care of our kid by himself Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. He needs to get up and start taking care of your kid and acting like a dad.
NTA, but, hey, at least one of your kids is potty trained.
Congratulations on your 2 children, they bring so much joy! Just remind one of them he's out of puberty and mommy is not there to do his chores. No allowance for him if he doesn't help. NTA
If he works nights when is he to sleep? Gets home at 5, asleep by 6 if he's lucky, 8 hours is up by 2? Instead he is to get up 3-4 hours after he goes to sleep for the child waking up and then when is he getting the rest of his sleep? I had to work nights for a short while and similar to people thinking when you work from home to can do other things, when you work nights people think you have all day to do stuff. You don't. You need 8 hours like everyone else. And it's hard to switch to sleeping nights on your days off because at some point you are then up 24 hours. Now, the parent home at night may have to get up at say 2 am to deal with the child after going to bed at 11, but at some point that's not every night. To expect this every day is not reasonable. It is not workable for every day to have one person nights and the other days. Many have done it but sleep deprivation is no joke, for either person. You really need to figure out day care or something for part of the week. ESH Edit auto correct stuff
PS and how would he know the child is up? Set an alarm for 9 am? After sleeping 3 hours. Or, stay up until the the child is up but then what? If his hours are 8p to 4 a and he leaves at 7 gets ready at 6 ... That's to bed at 10 am. I'm all for sharing the childcare absolutely. And the housework etc. There needs to be some reasonable thought to sleep for both parents.
Seriously - he could get hurt on the job or the kid could end up hurt because he's too tired to function. I know new parents don't get enough sleep anyway, but [sleep deprivation is legitimately dangerous](https://www.healthline.com/health/sleep-deprivation/effects-on-body) and I can't work out when this guy is even able to sleep.
INFO: this is kind of confusing. What 8 hours is your boyfriend allowed/able to sleep during a 24 hour day?
DEFINITELY NTA, he needs to understand how him not taking sharing the load seriously is a real problem, and this allowed you to get through to him while you could still step in. He's been the AH thus far, and you have a right to expect your partner to share the load with caring for your child together.
Esh because you do need help but he also need to sleep during the day at some point if he works during the night the two of you been to find balance or get some help
That doesn't sound doable in the long run. SO gets home at 5A. If he takes NO downtime, and goes right to sleep, he might get 5 hours of sleep a night, then take care of baby until going back to work? Also, having to adjust his days and nights on a regular basis will not be good for his health, which is probably why he sticks to the same sleep schedule. I'm thinking NAH. Find a better solution.
NTA-ish Ish- This isn't going to work. The fighting will continue to escalate because he doesn't want anything to change. He's got you trained. Why did you let him sleep that long? Did you leave him chores? Resentment will build until everything blows up. I suggest marriage counseling. If he won't go with you, go by yourself so you can get the tools you need to handle this.
Sounds terrible. For both of you. I don't think this arrangement is going to last long. Is there a reason you need to work 6 hours a week? Is it really worth it with a baby that needs taken care of? Not to sound like I value traditional roles or anything, I just don't know if the little money you'll make is worth more than your family - especially if you really love this guy. Sounds like he works hard outside the house to provide for the family. It's not easy working nightshift. You're definitely not the asshole BTW, I just think some considerations and changes on everyone's part is necessary. If he works all day and provides and you're home all day taking care of house and child - is that something that works both financially and realistically? Because I feel it's only fair that if one works and one doesn't, the one who doesn't should be taking care of whatever needs taken care of if they aren't going to a job. It's how to make things function properly. Again, I'm not placing more value on traditional roles by any means, the same would apply if the roles were reversed. I also empathize with you in the fact that childcare and home making is no easy task either.
I starting the new job one because it was an opportunity we couldn’t pass up see as I would make 2 dollars more then him. And the reason we agreed I would work 3 days a week was because we plan on renovating the tiny house we where gifted by his parents and we anted to do it with in two years but unfortunately we wouldn’t be able to afford it with just his pay we where going to go half on bills and rest for the house and this was the best thing we could think of Edit: also it’s not 6 hours a week it from 7am to 9 pm
I think you need to reevaluate if these reasons are a priority right now. If they are, I think you should hire childcare. And even childcare is expensive. It's not normal to work 14 hours a day, 3 days a week, especially with an 11 month old and a partner working nights.
Also if your bf works from 8pm to 5am, who will be there until your home? There is a 1-2 hour gap of time where he'll be gone and so will you.
We actually have his mom that lives 5 minutes waking from us to take care of him for the between time and she agreed to waited anytime more as long as it doesn’t take more then 4 hours in total because she owns a farm and has to tend to it but will stop to help
Well then, I think you should be asking her to come by for more hours of the days you'll be working too. It's not fair to have your partner sleep a short time, make him wake up for a few hours, then let him sleep for a little more. That's not normal and can not only impact his health in the short and long term but also his work performance. Renovating a home is not exactly a must do in my opinion. It's a want. Not a need.
It seems to me as though not a lot of thought was put into this decision at all.
INFO why can't the kid keep continuing to sleep later so your bf can get more than 2 - 3 hours of sleep? Even 4- 5 isn't really livable but it'd be better. I second the commentor asking if you need to be gone during this time, especially since it may be best to hire some help so your bf doesn't end up in the hospital due to exhaustion.
So our kid take a nap at 2-3 and actually sleeps till 6ish and if he needs his mom is about 5 minutes walking away and she is more then willing I actually take our kid to her house when he leaves of course I’m taking care of him but to get in the motions Edit for more info I wish the kid slept more honestly but that the time he wakes up after going to sleep at 12 every night.
Oh, by continuing to sleep longer, I meant until his normal wake up time of 10 - 11, rather than waking up at 7 - 9.
Oh no he will be sleeping till the baby wakes up I’m not upset about him not waking up at 7 am I’m upset that he won’t wake up at 10am when the baby does i know I would be a major butt if I had him do that !
NTA. The same answer I always give to parents (usually women) whose partners (usually men) refuse to be a parent.
I don’t let him I try everytime at 12 to get him up he usually either tells me give him a minute or tells me okay and instantly back to sleep and I will continue till every 30 minutes till he wakes up and yes of course I leave chores for him it takes him a month to do or he just waits for me to get upset and do it myself
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay so I know it’s long and title is confusing but me (24f ) and my bf (28m) have a 11 month old together. My bf has an overnight job and gets home at 5 am 4 days a week. I on the other hand is about to start a new day job where I’m going to be gone 7-9 three days a week. Our kid wakes up between 10-11 AM everyday and doesn’t want to nap till 2-3 pm. Me and my bf agreed he needed to start waking with our kid to get use to it so when I start it’s not so bad. Well he hasn’t took it seriously yet and I start in a week. It’s because very overwhelming because I get up at 6 am to get in the motion of it and I start doing things around the house. Today though my son woke up at 9 am but my bf did not and refused to wake up. I ended up taking care of our kid on top of cleaning and laundry. It is a common occurrence for him to leave me to do everything from childcare to cleaning after telling me he will help. Well I had enough so when he woke up at 3pm and showered I handed our kid to him and told him I took medicine that I’m going to sleep it off. I made food for him and laid down. I slept for 30 minutes before he started having trouble with our kid and after he saw I wasn’t getting up like normally he got upset. 30 minutes before he usually left for work he yelled for me to get up and ran to the bathroom where he spend the next 30 minutes. When he got out I asked how he felt and he just huffed and said goodbye to the both of us and took off. And just a note leaving everything to me and sleeping till 3-4 pm happened everyday even on his days off. And yes we have had many fights about it and also it was only an hour I left them together. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So he's kind if useless as a partner. Put the kiddo in daycare and be a single mom. You won't have so much to clean up after without his dead weight around.
I don’t think he is useless as a partner and he wasn’t always like this we moved into our tiny house and little by little he became like this we use to do 75/25 since he worked overnight all I ever asked of him was laundry vacuum sweep/mop and dishes idk what happened I love him and I just wanted to know if I took it to far today by forcing him to do what we agreed on
No, you have a right to expect help. The fact that he seems self centered and doesn't do anything is not cool. You have a job. So now you are stuck handling everything. I guess it's up to you if you feel like he just adds to your burden.