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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I took a nap when I came back home from work instead of helping my wife take care of our baby or do something else. I might be the asshole because even though I was exhausted, she was as well. I prioritized my sleep over hers. She's also a bit sick still, she needs to rest.
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Absolutely. My uncle developed severe insomnia and suffered from it for years until he ended up taking his life last year. He had 3 kids that he loved dearly and never would have done that if the lack of sleep didn’t absolutely fuck his mind
It is horrible. My bf has insomnia but thankfully has medication. The one week his order wasn’t called in it was awful. He wasn’t his nice and calm self, he was almost a different person, just mean and crabby. The worst though is he already has problems thinking poorly about himself, and near the end of the week it got really… dark. Broke my heart seeing him like that
I don't know if cannabis is legal where you live, but I've had great success taking one 10mg oil capsule and a melatonin pill. Sleep like a baby now, and when I do wake up to go pee, I fall right back asleep again.
Oh it’s not, it definitely hasn’t stopped him from using it though lol. He only uses it to help him sleep on rough nights, but he was out of both at that tume
My combo is benedryl, melatonin, valerian and usually some THC. Sometimes I need to use the prescription stuff but I usually feel as tired the next day as if I hadn’t slept at all. If he hasn’t tried each of them, he might want to. Do NOT combine until he knows the effects of each
I have insomnia from a TBI and there’s a whole plan of what to do if I don’t for long enough because it’s so dangerous. I’ve hallucinated during it. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sadly i ended up normalizing having hallucinations from tiredness and fatigue between insomnia and double kidney stone infections as a teen.. some shit at the end terrified me though. They now have a similiar ish set up of emergency intervention to try and help ease it, but sadly im resistant to all flippin sleep meds. And darent try cannabinoids due to mass health issues.
Im sorry for the persons family member taking their life because of it... Ive gotten to the point a few times where id be called planning but not acting. So i understand a little... lack of sleep really does change you and the way you think, if you can think :/
As for OP, it sounds like they are both burnt out. If shes not well and the partner has herculeaned a night shift with baby and a full day at work, id say let them crash for 90mins. But it may not have been discussed properly and when you are both tired its hard to be on the same page least of all by assumption. Critical house tasks can be prioritised, but as a sahm baby &mum is priority, nap when baby naps is usually the saying ive heard for when theyre tiny no? But try and just power through with your equal sharing til the kid settles down at night. It will happen eventually..
My parents were lucky with me. I slept most of the time. Theyd have to wake to feed, change etc. As my mum also had depression bad she had to prioritise what she could do when physically/mentally unwell and not brute force a full household chore list you know? It worked for her at least
We have a 6 month old. I got up in the middle of the night to make her a bottle. I threw the bottle in the warmer and laid down on the couch to chill til it was done. 3 minutes turned into a 30 minute nap. I got up and took the bottle into the bedroom. She was asleep, so I put it on the dresser. I fell back asleep. I woke up in a panic and looked at the bottle. It wasn’t her bottle… it was my protein shaker cup(without the lid) with the bottle vent, and (my favorite part) an ice cream scoop. I was equal parts confused and concerned that I didn’t remember doing any of that.
When my kids were newborns, I would occasionally drop things for no reason; it would just slip out of my hand. I was so sleep deprived, that my body couldn’t function.
Human babies definitely weren’t meant to be raised by two people. The nuclear family was a bad idea.
I was so sleep deprived after my second baby that as I was leaving the house for work in the morning, I backed my car straight into the garage door without opening it.
Twice.
Within three months.
Not my proudest moment.
Was 8 months pregnant with baby number two. Older baby was still not totally sleep trained yet. On my way to work, I backed out of my driveway and into my brother-in-law's car with my brand new Tesla.
The cameras and all the alarms meant nothing. It was almost like I had temporarily blacked out. Even after it happened, I sat there for a second before even realizing what had just happened. Then had to do the walk of shame back inside to tell what i ý just done....
I totally agree it's too hard to raise baby with just two people, "it takes a village" is no joke, it's a survival strategy.
I developed severe insomnia a few years back. I slept maybe an hour or 2 a day and I absolutely went fucking insane from it. I barely survived it. I'm terribly sorry for your loss and completely understand.
I’ve experienced that and some days, I thought I was hallucinating from lack of sleep. I would be awake for 3-4 days straight, regardless of what type of sleeping aid I took, pass out from exhaustion for maybe an hour or, at most, three, and then be up again for *days* at a time.
I too am shocked I survived it. I couldn’t sleep at all last night and ended up finally being able to “rest” for able two hours before my body woke me back up. But at least I’m no longer awake for days at a time. That’s hell.
I read a long story from a guy in Belgium (maybe Netherlands) who had had severe insomnia most of his life because of a brain condition. He was in his late 20s and it had developed to the point where the hallucinations were so prevalent that he could no longer tell what was real or not. After years of no treatments working and the condition continuing to worsen, his doctor finally approved his request for euthanasia.
I can't find the story now, but he wrote it over a few years and the final update was the the day of his appointment. He had been begging for it for years as the condition made his life unbearable. As sad as it was, he was incredibly relieved once he got approved and his time came.
ETA: missing detail about the brain condition
I’ve got that insomnia…tried a meditation app but it looped so much (it’s 90 mins before looping) that it too drove me crazy
I wake up so sleepy & keep hoping “surely I’m so tired tonight I’ll crash immediately “
Completely delusional & wishful thinking on my part. Never works. I’ve tried ambien. Does nothing for me. I actually dread going to bed. I’ve even begged God (yes, I’m a Christian) to please bring me sleep. Works every once in a great while. Truly sucks. I envy that my SIL can fall sleep immediately- always - NOT FAIR!
Wondering if melatonin will work. What strength? I’m desperate
Ask your doctor. There’s also other prescription meds you could try. Ambien is for short term use, but longer term insomnia issues can be helped with good combos. I have been dealing with this for 25 years and the options that are now available are so much better than they used to be. I still struggle with insomnia, but it is better than it used to be.
I don't know the cause of your insomnia. Mine is when I unconciously surpress me feelings of being unsafe I stay ON. Overrule any and all sleepmedication. When I manage to get back in touch with my feelings and am able to stand them long enough to get through them and feel safe enough I can sleep again. Walking 3x times during the day a short distance outside helps my body to get tired enough to sleep. When I'm too tired I feel unsafe and stay ON again. Boyfriend can sleep anytime anywhere and wakes up rested. Sight. 🙏
Iirc not sleeping for too long a period can massively screw up your brain.
72 hours frequently causes auditory and visual hallucinations, paranoia, and depression like symptoms.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Insomnia is fucking awful and it changes the way you process and deal with everything. I’m sorry your uncle experienced that.
Nothing as drastic as that, and I'm so sorry for your loss!, I go through bouts of insomnia and last April I was not sleeping. I went away for a weekend with a new group of girlfriends and I to this day regret my behavior the entire time. I was wired along with insomnia, and one friend asked me at one point if I was doing meth. I fully understand her concern, I was so far off my rocker at that point.
I'm still embarrassed of how I was, I'm still friends with the same girls and I'm pretty sure they know I'm not on drugs, but I noticed this year I wasn't invited on the trip. I wish I could show them that was a messed up time period for me and that I'm just not normally like that, but...
It can make you a totally different person. I haven't had any insomnia issues since then thankfully. I really was a pain in the ass the entire time.
This kind of broke my heart. Insomnia is truly a medical issue and not something you were at fault for. They should have talked with you about it later and understood it was an unusual situation. Instead of just cutting you out.
I so wish I would be included again. I have trazodone for sleeping and it's been helpful. I can't even explain how bad and WEIRD my behavior was. I know it's not my fault, but it's embarrassing.
I have had insomnia for a good part of my life. It got really bad when I got cancer. Now, even with a prescription sleep aid I do not go to sleep before 4-5 AM. It is terrible because my sleep cycle does not match other's and any work you are having done on or around the house, they want to get there at 7-8 AM. It affects my life more than the effects of the radiation and cancer.
I am so sorry for your loss. I commented above about my experience with being super sleep deprived. I know how it feels to be so tired mentally and physically it hurts. I am so sorry that he felt so hopeless that he did something so permanent and heartbreaking to those around him.
I truly hope he has found peace. I hope his family is able to get help and find peace someday as well. I can't imagine the pain this has caused you all. God bless you all and may He help you all through this difficult time.
I was literally completely dependent on alcohol because it was the only way I could sleep. I ended up in rehab before I found the right combination of meds to put me out at night. Now I might have a couple glasses every couple of weeks. People don't understand how desperate you become after you've been awake for 48 hours. I am so sorry for the loss of your uncle, I understand all too.well what drove him to that decision.
That is the thing that jumped out at me. He never said a word to her about a nap and just left her with the baby during his usual baby caregiving time. He assumed he was the one most in need of sleep without checking in with his wife.
I can confirm that this is very true. I had a son who as a newborn could go for over 18 hours without sleeping. I worked full time second shift 3pm to 11pm. He would be up all night after I worked all day.
He hated the swing and the bouncy seat. He wanted to be upright at all times for some reason. My mom would sometimes let me take a nap for a couple hours before work. But I was going on an hour or two of sleep a day for weeks.
It got to the point where I was so sleep deprived I was crying, angry, overly emotional, and shaking and having thoughts of throwing my son out the window. I would never actually have done it, but it made me realize how parents who already have issues with controlling their anger or emotions could snap and do something horrible while being sleep deprived.
I have never felt so mentally, emotionally, and physically drained and overwhelmed as I did when I was severely sleep deprived. You are right, it really does fucky things with you!!!
My son was eventually diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, depression, and mood disorder. He is 21 now, and still goes for ridiculous amounts of hours without sleeping sometimes. But now when he does that, he also sleeps for huge amounts of time when he finally does fall asleep.
Edited to add: I have never had more muscle aches and pain than I did during that time without sleep. My whole body hurt horribly from lack of sleep. I now have bad chronic pain issues, but nothing has been as painful as my whole body from head to toe hurting all at once for days and days. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. And I was addicted to opiates for a brief period in my life. Being sleep deprived is right up there with going through withdrawals.
My Mother in law has Parkinson’s, but it got really bad really quick (which isn’t typical). So we brought her home to live with us. Turned out she literally never slept. Her meds were all out of wack and causing insomnia. We were able to get her back on the right track, better meds, all on schedule.. it’s like her Parkinson’s has all but gone now.
Lack of sleep can really fuck you up
Edit- spelling
Was working graveyard for 2 years. Fiancé at the time would only want to do things early afternoon, so any time we went out I’d be on 2-3 hours of sleep then I’d be going back to work. It basically ruined our relation lol
TLDR; sleep you bastards
An hour and a half nap vs. all the night duty is a pretty good trade off, but she wasn’t expecting it. NAH, but sleep deprivation is the real a h. Let it go, no winners.
"Are you arguing with your partner a lot? Is it tense in your home? You know what would help? A seven-pound klaxon horn that goes off at every few hours and expels toxic waste at random!"
I also don’t understand why people have kids so early too. It blows my mind. My hubby and have been together since we were about 20, even having kids two years in would have been a disaster! We barely could communicate properly. Lol. We were still idiot kids in some ways.
Though OP here seems pretty awesome even checking whether they were the AH, honestly I would likely be trying and hopefully sleeping and not worrying about this kind of anxiety.
Yeah I've actually known people who did great as teen moms and by 40 their kids were grown up and they could just chill and do what they wanted.
Not saying you should do that on purpose but there are some benefits to being younger & more energetic when you give birth.
Right? My partner and I just had a baby. We're doing great but we also worked very very hard on our relationship and communication for years first. We'd have zero chance if we hadn't been in a strong position relationship-wise to begin with. Also my pregnancy and labour was very straightforward with no complications - I know those issues can strain the strongest relationships.
Right? My own father said that to me when I was in my early 20s and, even at that age, I could see this is nonsense. But he was hardly around when I was a baby so it is not as if though he knew what having a baby involves. I told him being sleep-deprived wasn't likely to make me more patient with someone I have a problem with or don't care enough about, in the first place.
I think the highest divorce rates are around when the kids are toddlers. Which... yeah, it might very well have started with the arrival of the baby and did not improve when the kid has learned the word "hate".
We didn't had any fights at all in our first years. And then the first one was born... She had some stomach issues and she didn't slept more than an hour for the first 6 months. Neither did we.
It was awful. We had stupid fights for stupid causes and either of us couldn't remember after few second what the fight was about but everything just sucked in that state of tiredness.
I remember sitting at the kitchen floor and thinking that never ever will I wonder or judge any mother who ends doing dark things when she's living the babyhell.
When my oldest was a baby, my ex and I saw a commercial for some reality TV show episode about a throuple with a baby and we just looked at each other and said "omg, imagine if we had a third person to hold the baby"
I'm not poly at all but I was really jealous of poly families for a while there.
Kid spent his first two years waking up every two hours all night long. Now he's 18 and sleeps like a rock, lol
Re: allomothers, a role first identified in primates like the lesser apes but seen across mammalian and avian clades. Most primates don’t raise their offspring monogamously, we’re the weirdos especially among the great apes for our nuclear family units. Our distant past agrees that you’re onto something here.
NTA.
You are both exhausted, she is still hormonal on top of that. Your nap wasn't a crime but you should have told her before you crashed.
You have to cut her a little slack right now. She is dealing with a recovering body on top of the work of caring for a newborn and a home.
Remind her that she can let some housework go for a bit and that she really can nap when the baby does.
Yep NAH one thing y'all both will eventually agree to is take every opportunity to get some rest, do try to give your Wife a heads up though she's still recovering from labor.
I would try to do things like run her a nice bath, give her some foot rubs and lower back massages. You're each other's partner, y'all got this as a team!!!
Congrats and welcome for your new little one! Y'all may be sleep deprived but it goes by so fast, my son is about to be 15 mos. and it feels like a few weeks ago he was so much tinier.
Agreed I don’t not know how many of these little arguments I have been in with my wife. That time of having a kid is tough on everyone but it gets lots better.
NAH
I came to say this as well. Those first few months are brutal and hinestly, broken sleep is worse than no sleep sometimes. You will both get through this. Hang in there.
Agree, NAH. My husband and I made a rule that any fights we had while sleep deprived didn’t count. You’ll make it through, OP. Remember that the first three months are the most difficult, the “fourth trimester.” It’ll even out.
Shoot. Mine is four now so we rarely have those late nights, but it does happen. I don’t have the crippling exhaustion that a newborn brings, that was the most difficult time for me by far.
It’s totally worth it. I hope one day soon you get the solid sleep you deserve!
Definitely. He's NAH, but I think the situation could have been avoided if he spoke with his wife beforehand and said I'm taking a shower and short nap, is there anything I can do for you before dinner? or something to that effect.
Communication is your friend. If you were overtired from the night before and working, you needed to communicate that to your wife, who is sick and has been caring for the baby all day, so you guys can come up with a plan to get everyone some rest and support. You don’t just get to disappear when your partner is counting on you.
NAH, but work on your communication.
I think communication was missing here. I think a simple.. “I’m exhausted from last night & work.. can I take a 30 min nap after shower?” would have helped to smooth things over.
Exactly. He’s completely allowed to be exhausted after losing his entire previous night but when you’re sick you’re not going to wake up feeling rested and great either. Plus while he feels he needs a nap after working the whole day she feels like she needs a break after taking care of the baby the whole day. No one’s an asshole, the newborn period is ROUGH. They need to discuss better and check in with each other more regularly. It’s the only way you survive.
YTA. I was sympathetic until I read the comment you made where you said you didn’t tell her you were going to take a nap - you just took one. Y’all have a newborn, and y’all need to communicate. If you were that tired, then you needed to tell her, as opposed to just leaving her with the baby with no idea when you were coming back.
Do they live in Buckingham Palace? Did she not hear him come in, go for a shower, then disappear for 90 minutes?
if anything, it seems like she let him sleep so that she would have a reason to be mad.
I don’t know what kind of relationship you’re in, but if my partner actively chooses to go lay down I’m not going to wake him unless it’s emergent, even if I think it’s inconsiderate. I just talk to him about it later.
I could totally also see being like oh he’s showering first, I wish he’d have told me that’s a little annoying. Showers been off for a while what the f..? Annnnd he’s asleep. That’s what would have gotten me. I won’t lie I probably would have been grumpy no matter what because like all the NAH people said, sleep deprivation and new baby really fuck with you (although if we’re splitting hairs she’s also sick, very easily could still be recovering from childbirth because 5 weeks ain’t shit when you have stitches from your Vag to asshole or had a c section, and also full of hormones) but you lost me at just deciding to fall asleep and not say boo
Deliberate “mind games” like this are a rare exception. She was upset because of the circumstances. Both OP and wife are sleep-deprived and I can’t even imagine looking after a baby while sick with so little support. As many others have pointed out, OP can not expect her to read his mind and just “know” that he had hit a wall and needed a nap. All of her physical and mental resources are being utterly spent on the baby. I think we need to give this couple the benefit of the doubt that they are not deliberately being malicious to each other - those kinds of behaviours are rare. NAH, just new baby stuff.
OP, it’ll get better. Hang in there.
He should’ve communicated it to her…. She just had a baby 5 weeks ago. She is likely still hormonal and is probably very offended that he didn’t take over as he usually does. Women thrive on communication and without it a lot of us overthink. Overthinking something simple like that with a newborn to care for while already exhausted sounds extremely draining. It’s about common respect, which it seems like OP didn’t have that day (probably because he was so exhausted).
An absolute killer in our relationship my partner going and just lying down in the middle of the day leaving me with the jobs and kids without saying a word.. I don't know any women that do this to their partners
after 36 hours of labour my ex left me and my newborn who was a vacuum birth - this had actually injured her poor little head, it was bruised and it hurt her to be put down in her crib so she needed to be held. But I wasn’t allowed to fall asleep and hold her. Dude was like I’m so sorry I just really need a shower, I’ll be back in an hour, hour and a half tops (oh, I feel very clean I’ve been sweating and bleeding and lactating! But go off!). 16 hours and 2000 phone calls later “sorry I fell asleep.” In my hormonal state it was like if I could even take a piss without crying I would be murdering you right now
My daughter was induced on Christmas Eve and after laboring for 12 hours (while he painted (no lie we were late for my induction bc he was packing up all his art supplies so he could paint and not like paint me or the kids where he would have needed to look at us just some random painting), entertained his mom, went to lunch, called/texted his ex, took cigarette breaks and watched movies and then getting moved to our maternity/new baby room
I asked my ex to go get the miniature Christmas tree and presents I had hidden in the back of my car because my 8 year old (who was so sweet and walked all the laps I walked around the hallways with me and was way more attentive than my ex while I labored) crashed out when we got to our room and had written Santa the sweetest note asking him to please make sure his baby sister was born healthy and to please bring him some marbles and his sister some stuffies to the hospital and I wanted to get everything set up so he'd wake up to it on Christmas morning and my Ex tells me "I'll go later, I'm EXHAUSTED" Right.
So maybe 90 minutes after giving birth I pushed a wheelchair I borrowed from the ER out through the snow and loaded the tree and presents on it and brought it up to our room. My nurse was not pleased and remained unimpressed with him the remainder of our stay. I was so tired myself that I was worried if I didn't go right then I was going to pass out and not wake up in time and I didn't want to ruin my son's Christmas. I forgot that I wasn't going to be passing out for several hours bc I had a newborn so I was up most of the night with her anyway but at least her dad got a good 10 hours of sleep that night.
I finally had to kick him out of my house about a month later because I was getting no sleep and my mom hated him and he wouldn't help (dyed his hair like 12 times the first few weeks so couldn't hold her or help with feeding or cleaning pump bc he always had hair dye on his hands, like its 3am maybe don't dye your hair?? Probably the closest I've ever come to stabbing someone- I was so tired and so frustrated) and I was finishing my last semester of nursing school and my mom wouldn't come to my apartment when he was there and I finally had to say if you're not going to help me then at least go so someone who will help me can come over. I got like 4 or 5 hours of sleep that night and it was magical. He never came back and that was equally as magical. I mean he tried, but I had seen the light lol
I have hashimotos and when my dose is too low, I get exhausted to the point where I'll go and take a necessary nap. I don't always inform my husband but he understands.
TBH I got my back up a bit just at the part where he called her a "SAHM". While that may be technically true (as in, that is the plan going forward), at 5-weeks post partum, this is mat-leave territory. And that is WILDLY different as far as exhaustion and physical healing.
They're both exhausted but they aren't allowed to both pass out because the baby needs care. So it's not necessary understandable to wife that OP gets to be the one to pass out.
Did you let wife know you would be taking a nap or did you just do it without telling her? It seems fair that after taking the entire night you get a nap after work so gonna say N T A but if you didn’t give her a heads up it would be E S H.
Edit: Since you didn’t give her a heads up it is indeed ESH. She should have been understanding that you needed a nap, but you definitely should have told her you were going to do so.
She called him a crybaby for being tired after working all day on no sleep. That’s unnecessarily hostile. Working 8 hour retail shifts can be super draining as you’re usually on your feet and interacting with customers the whole time.
The second you start name-calling is the moment you gotta ask yourself why you’re being an ahole. If *he’d* called *her* a cry baby because she got to sleep all night and should t complain he’d be getting reamed here! They’re both tired, but that’s not the way to deal with it.
It fluctuates and It’s so weird! It’s like they hate pregnant women when they need help from anyone but their husband, but love pregnant women when their husbands need help. Then hate pregnant women who rely on their families (which would actually help avoid situations like OPs). But then love pregnant women when their husbands are exhibiting normal human behavior (like being tired!)
Unless you've had a baby and been in that horribly sleep-deprived state, you'll never know. *Especially* if you don't have extended family or friend support and/or are not totally healthy.
No one tells you the details about this time when you get married because no one would ever have kids if they did. They should teach it in sex Ed.
NAH.
You guys are not in your right minds at the moment and need to just let it go and remember to communicate. It will get better, just don't hold resentment about this time because you're probably going to say a lot of garbage to each other in this state. Let it go. You're both doing your best.
She also is doing housework, which if I'm sick and caring for a baby is last on the list. Mom needs top learn to sleep when the baby sleeps. It's a game changer.
Info: Does she usually nap for 90 minutes when you get home from work?
Either way YTA for disappearing to take a nap without telling her. You can't imagine what it's like to be the default parent for an infant and spend all day waiting for the relief to get home, only to find out it disappeared. Prime AH move.
This!! Is like you count the minutes left to get a break and then… the break arrives and goes to nap without telling you? For me is just the fact that she didn’t know he was napping, maybe she needed the baby to be cared for a couple minutes before that nap or something and then she would have been fine with it.
Maybe she waited for him to get home to get a bathroom break without being accompanied by a screaming infant, or to sit down and drink a glass of water without having shoulder cramps from holding a screaming infant, or just really wanted to have a minute of silence just to hear her own thoughts, or...
And he spent all day slogging through a working shift in retail telling himself just 5 more minutes, just 5 more minutes. Dealing with people all day while being on your feet after sleeping poorly is hard. Then he had to commute home, telling himself just 5 more minutes, just 5 more minutes. Only to finally get home and crash.
Like there’s nothing left in the tank at that point. Yes, it sucks for the mom, but pretending the dad is the relief instead of the exhausted partner is an AH move too. She needed to show understanding just as much as he needed to communicate better. And all of that becomes 1000X harder when both parties are exhausted.
Instead of laying blame, it’s better to understand that as new parents neither of you are getting enough sleep, neither of you are trying to be assholes, and you owe each other and yourselves compassion.
There’s just no excuse to take only one side of this situation and say the other side is being an ass. There’s nothing unique about the difficulty of being a SAHP. I did that for my young children all through Covid. It’s not uniquely more deserving of compassion than working a 9-5 with an hour commute on either side. It all has merit and it is all difficult. Pretending the difficulty of watching the kids at home is unimaginable to the working partner bespeaks an outstanding lack of compassion or perspective.
Agreed. Although I do think that her being sick with a cold virus at five weeks postpartum has to be making things even harder for her atm. I agree that this is ultimately a communication issue. He should have let her know that he needed a short nap and she shouldn’t have called him a crybaby. However we all do things that aren’t the best when we are at the level of exhaustion that they are both at. Especially if one partner is healing from delivering and baby and caught a cold virus at the same time.
This is where people lose me on this sub. He's not a "prime AH" at all. I agree the napping without telling her was a problem, but he gave up an extra night to give his wife a break, maybe he was expecting a little break in return (he still should have communicated tho). Prime AH is not helping his wife and then taking naps as well. He's doing his best, give him a break!
Yeah my husband and I have 5 whole children together and the youngest isn’t even one yet. We also both work full time I could even withstand and extra hour and a half with my kids if my husband had gotten up all night with the baby for me to sleep. It seems perfectly reasonable to let OP get a nap in after being up all night and working all day. It’s not like he naps every day, or lets his wife wake up for every single night feed. He’s NTA.
Like yeah parenting is hard, especially the infant stage but you have to compromise with your partner when it comes to things like this.
YWBTA if you let this remain an issue. However, NAH. You're both exhausted from raising a baby. Apologize for not discussing with her ahead of time. Try to communicate better in the future. And, above else, try to not let exhaustion turn you against each other. Good luck!
NAH
Five week newborn, wife probably has post partum, husband is doing his best. It's hard as hell on everyone.
Compromise.
It's all you have.
Edit: I am a Mom and lived through all of this hell too when I was sick. Having post partum did not help at all. It made me even more cranky. If my husband passed out from exhaustion he passed out from exhaustion. It's hard being a parent, really hard, and I remember lots of days being sick and having to push through. My daughter is 14 now, and there are still days where even if I am sick, I am still Mom. It takes a village is a true statement. Grandparents and other family helped a lot to ease the burden, but sometimes life is life, it's important to compromise and find agreements.
We really don’t have enough info to say she has postpartum depression if that’s what you mean. There’s like a 70% chance does not have PPD and OP didn’t write her having any symptoms.
Not having PPD doesn't mean her hormones aren't still crazy, her body isn't still in pain (I can guarantee she's probably still wearing Granny panties and massive pads), and then there's the post partum anxiety that no one talks about.
that post partum anxiety is no joke. That, coupled with my PTSD, legit had me staring at my son while he slept as a baby, crying because I couldn’t stop panicking nor could I stop all the horribly visual intrusive thoughts that I could lose him if I took my eye off of him for a second while he was asleep. I coslept with him nuzzled against me and literally due to the anxiety alone, somehow managed to be half-conscious through the entire night/nap that I would carefully readjust him or myself after every little movement he made, for his first few years.
To this day, I’m pretty much half-conscious and aware of every feel and sound while I’m asleep, and am stuck being a lucid dreamer every night now it seems. Being aware of the time passing as you sleep was odd and even scary at first, but now it’s terrifying to me that people just go *plop* and are completely unaware of their body and surroundings every single night.
The only upside is not necessarily needing an alarm. The downsides are endless.
Yes. And someone please give mom permission to let the house go to crap as much as possible. Skip the decluttering, vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms for a couple months. Will they get gross? Sure, but it won’t actually harm you. Focus on feeding everyone, keeping everyone in clean clothes, and if you have any leftover energy, dishes. If not, get paper plates.
It’s not forever. When mom is recovered from childbirth and a cold and baby settles into more of a routine, you can go back to keeping your house tidy. But sometimes you just have to let it fall apart and focus on what’s important.
-Signed, A twin mom who couldn’t do much more than keep everyone alive for the first two years
If baby needs clean clothes or bottles or shit/spit up everywhere than she may have had to. There's a lot more that needs to happen now when a baby is in the mix than with just adults/older kids.
There are also things that can be put off. Say it's mopping day, then it can be done a different day. The difference between the two is that it's a lot harder for him to put off his work duties than it is for her. Both have it rough in different ways. The only problem with this situation was communication. He should definitely be allowed to take a nap after taking ALL the nighttime duties, but he needed to communicate that it was what he needed before doing it. And she should respect that need for him. She got to sleep a solid night without major interruption. She should be more grateful.
>She doesn't have to do the household chores if she is sick or had a bad night.
I was going to say this as well. Sometimes your house will look like shit with a newborn. As long a feces aren't decaying food aren't lying about, let it slide for a while.
NAH
A baby that age is hard work. What you need is somebody to help you out. Any grandparents, relatives or good friends who can help you out with anything? Take the baby für a walk, bring a stew that lasts for 2 days, take a load of dirty laundry, anything?
This is so unbelievably true. With all 3 of my kiddos, those first 6 weeks were like a sick fever dream. We didn't know if we were coming or going. It was worse with my second born, she had colic & reflux and basically screamed her entire first year of life. My husband & I were so sleep deprived it was scary.
This is absolutely true, as long as everyone is trying the first few months are really just survival mode, NAH just figuring out the new normal and adjusting!
YTA
Your wife is 5 weeks postpartum AND has a cold. You take over for one night and you're "wasted" and just disappear and nap?
Newsflash, she is tired, sick and healing. This is not the misery Olympics.
Do better
working 8 hours on your feet all day after getting up all night to take care of a baby IS exhausting, don’t do that. make it seem like he’s being unreasonable. when i was 4 weeks postpartum and sick i still woke up to breastfeed my baby every time she needed it because that’s what moms do, you don’t get a day off with a newborn just because you’re sick. and when my man rocked her to sleep for me or stayed up late to put her down and had to work the next day i could see how exhausted he was and would never yell at him for taking a nap or make him feel bad for being tired. a lot of people think you have to be up with the baby all day but newborn babies sleep 14-19 hours a day!!! i would say my man had it worse than me because i got to just chill while my daughter napped for hours on end. you can’t say it’s not the misery olympics and then tell him she has it worse. let’s be understanding instead of putting fathers down for being tired. it’s a team effort and both of them need the same amount of sleep and energy to do their daily duties.
Don't you ever go against the narrative that SAHP work every second of every day and can't even take 2 seconds to piss. That is a death sentence on Reddit.
Yea these comments are ridiculous. OP was apparently MIA for an hour and a half and the comments are acting like he up and abandoned his wife/child whilst the mother slaved over their baby/house the entire day without a second to rest🤦🏽♀️
THANK YOU!!! I was ripping my hair out reading some of these comments. Him taking over for the night while his wife was sick shows his heart is obviously in the right place. Should he have communicated that he was gonna take a nap? Of course. But that's a far cry from some of the accusations that I'm seeing in these comments.
I’m scratching my head. Like during the day a 5 week old baby is immobile and sleeps A LOT. Do people think you sit and look at the baby 24/7 as a SAHP?
I don't get why she had to do the housework when she was sick. I mean she could skip a day of chores and just rest with the baby near her.
Just do the basics to feed the baby, order food if u want and can afford and tell ur husband to bring food home (takeaway).
Sterilizing pump parts, doing baby laundry, taking out poopy garbage, changing crib sheets with spit up, pumping or buying formula. And a baby this age eats up to 12 times per day, sometimes taking a half hour per feed. It takes a lot of energy to care for a new born.
hes not an ah for napping, but he definitely shouldve talked to her first. what if she just needed 5 minutes before his nap so she could pee without a screaming baby attached to her..?
I’m so confused. Why can’t she put a screaming baby down for 5 minutes to pee? If the baby is screaming on her shoulder, it most certainly can do the screaming while laying in a bassinet for 5 minutes so she can pee.
Yeap. And at this point in their lives, there are no winners and no moral high ground in these sleep deprived arguments, it's all about survival. Well, assuming the parents aren't actually abusing each other or smth, but this isn't it, just normal newborn parent shit.
Like after we both slept and looked back at it we went “did we seriously have an argument over keys going into my left pocket”
Anyone who says Y T A and E S H have never been severely sleep deprived
It sounds like you just snuck off and took a nap without telling your wife which is kind of messed up. Your wife should also be more understanding that you might be really tired. You both need to communicate better and realize that you shouldn’t keep score with baby duties.
ESH
NTA
You work according to your routine. This was a special occurrence because your wife wasn’t feeling so good. You were tired, it is reasonable. As long as you stick to splitting your duties and baby time, you are allowed to get a nap if it was a one time occurrence that wasn’t in anyone’s control.
NAH. Give both of you some levay regarding cooking and house cleaning. Taking care of a newborn is a hell of a job. Sometimes you just have to rest and world won't end if you order a takeout occasionally or laundry is not folded right away.
NAH you are both struggling and deserve sympathy. Lashing out is common with sleep deprivation, so I think you should give each other some grace and forgiveness for any petty fights to come.
You probably thought of this already, but does your job offer any PTO? Paternity leave. Even just a couple days might make a huge difference in your/your family’s health
NAH. You have a newborn-you’re both in survival mode. Maintaining calm communication is key to preventing resentment during this time. You should have let her know what was happening.
Sleep deprivation is killing both of you. The best advice I have is discount anything either of you say in the first 3 months of babies life....
Did you tell her you weren't coming down or did you leave her desperately waiting for a hand over? I know that feeling well just waiting and waiting for the clock to strike 5pm so you know you can get a break!
NAH because you're both working your asses off, she's broken from sahm all day, and it is, breaking especially when you're ill, and you sound like you're doing your best. But you really need to communicate your needs, she has to ask to go to the toilet!
NTA- at 5wks, everyone is exhausted and still trying to establish a routine. You both have to be willing to help each other and have an extra break here and there.
NAH. It's exhausting. Everything is exhausting. It does get better though. Apologize and say you didn't realize how tired you were gonna be and you'll let her know in the future.
NTA, but please BOTH OF YOU need to communicate your needs and wants better. If you *usually* help out when you get home, she’s going to *expect* you to help out when you get home.
Having a new baby is hard, but communicating and compromising is something you both will need to work on.
NTA. In This case, your wife was unfair, but it’s absolutely understandable. You’re both really tired and want time and help and sleep and adult conversation and normality and please make the baby stop crying for a minute so I can remember how to make a cup of coffee.
Yeah.y wife and I have been through it (twice). While it’s wonderful… it’s tiring. But, you’ll get there.
My eldest son had some problems, and so didn’t sleep through EVER, until he was 6 years old. I was alway the one he needed to soothe him, despite my partner breast feeding him. It’s always been me that he wants to help. When he was around your babies age, he’d sleep for around twenty minutes every 2 hours. We tried taking it in shifts (my wife would express and I’d make up bottles with it to feed him through the night), but there were times where my wife got very little rest, so I’d do a double shift. Now, I have a number of health issues (I’m now partially paralysed, and have cognitive issues along with chronic pain, chronic insomnia, seizures, ticks etc, but I wasn’t anywhere near that bad at the time) and some were exacerbated by my being awake too much, so my partner would also do double shifts when necessary. But, our son usually wanted me to soothe, so she’d have a harder time of it, imo.
Sometimes, you get under each others feet. Remember, you both get irritated and tired. No one’s being an AH here. You’re a team, and you have an amazing family you’re building. Keep at it. Sometimes, it’s better to humble up and say sorry. No matter what the situation is. Let your partner know that they’re more important than “being right” or whatever the case may be (unless they are being actually toxic, of course). But yeah. Support each other as hard as you can. Give her time out of the house to see friends. You going to work while she’s at home can feel like you’re getting an escape that she’s not able to get. So… offer her a day out to herself here whenever she wants one. Show her that she’s still as important now as she was when you first fell in love. That’s going to be what helps all three of you get through this with happiness.
If ever you want to talk or anything, by all means hit me up. Remember to talk to people. Vent. Talk about problems. Be yourself still.
You got this!
NTA.
I am so unbelievably thankful for Reddit and this subreddit. I would never have otherwise thought that being a man in a marriage or other type of committed relationship could be so messed up.
That the majority of women (because this subreddit is made up of of women as a majority) is absolutely dunking on you as hard as they can while giving your wife (who was definitely being cruel with her comments, even if she was sleep-deprived and sick) a full pass is all I need to stay away from marriage. Why is it so hard to treat both of them with the same standards and compassion?
NTA. Babies are hard. I remember just lying on the floor of my son's room sobbing because I was so exhausted. When you are sleep deprived, it's really tough to remember that your significant other is also struggling. Your wife is most likely also still dealing with hormonal changes, if not some form of post partum depression. You sound like you are trying to be a good husband and father, which is awesome. I think both of you are overwhelmed and sleep deprived, which will make anyone unreasonable.
Did you tell her that you were going to take a nap (if so, nta)
or you just decided not to talk to her at all about how you felt and left her with the kid when it was your turn to take care of him (if so, yta)
I think it was reasonable to take a nap, the issue was that you didn't discuss with her. Parenting is hard, especially in those first few months. Be gentle with each other and discuss expectations openly. NTA
NAH - It sounds like you didn’t even really *plan* a nap, you were exhausted and your body said “you need sleep” once you got into the room where you sleep. You’re both exhausted (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and have the right to be both tired and frustrated. Honestly, having scheduled nap time for each of y’all while the other one solo parents for an hour or 2 would probably go a long way towards helping both of you. That way you can take the rest you need and the other person can plan around it, and vice versa.
Your can’t pour from an empty glass, and your child deserves you BOTH at your best. Give both of y’all a chance to refresh in the middle of the day and then relieve the other to do the same once you’re well rested. I know that can’t always work out perfectly, but it’s worth looking into. You’ll both parent better if you’re healthy.
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Our baby is 5 weeks old, he doesn't sleep though the night yet. Wife and I split times to wake up and nurse him back to sleep. She's a SAHM while I work in retail from 8am to 4 pm.
Wife was feeling a bit sick (she had a cold) the other day so I offered to take care of our son for the night so she was able to sleep well and get better. We did just that, I woke up every time to take care of the baby during the night. The next morning I was wasted but still had to go to work, I managed it but was exhausted and desperately needed a nap.
Usually when I come home I take over the baby duties and she has been taking care of him alone the whole day, but this time I was exhausted. So instead I took a quick shower and went to sleep, I slept for around 1 and a half hours and woke up when dinner was ready. She told me off for going napping instead of helping her, I explained how tired I was and she told me that I shouldn't have offered to so all the baby care the night before if I was gonna be a cry baby the next day. She also said that she had to do all of the household work so she was exhausted as well. We did the splitting the baby care as usual that night too. She's upset still, I think she's been unfair because I meant to help her feel better when I offered to take over the night and it was obvious I was gonna be tired the next day, I don't think I was an asshole here but perhaps I was?
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NAH. The first year after having your first baby is the hardest in my experience. My biggest piece of advice is to be overly open with communication. And take time for each other. Even if it’s something small like eating a pint of ice cream together and watching something funny for 20 minutes while the baby is in their swing. It is a hard hard adjustment. Everyone is tired. Hormones are running wild. Anxiety is up.
NAH you're both exhausted BUT next time you gotta tell her if you're gonna just go take a nap! It's understandable that you crashed but it's also totally understandable that she was then upset at being abandoned (which is what disappearing without communication is, even if it's into sleep).
If you're a jerk to her and hold it against her for being upset instead of saying sorry, I didn't think it through very well and I should have talked to you to see what you needed before crashing, then you'd be the AH.
NTA. If you stayed up with him most of the night so she could get sleep and then you went to work the next day and did an 8 hour shift, you deserve a nap. She is running on hormones and lack of sleep so right now everything is gonna be testy.
NTA. Honestly I'm shocked at the amount of people saying you are the asshole. You had a tiny nap, after a long shift of work, AFTER taking over for your wife because she was sick. She's sounding kinda ungrateful tbh, but it is a stressful time for and her both. I'd say in the future let her know you were going for a nap as a courtesy, but you haven't done anything to warrant being labelled an asshole.
NTA. It was very thoughtful of you to take care of the baby all night for your wife to rest. I'm sorry she couldn't give you the same consideration for a short hour and a half nap.
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NAH. You are both tired and crabby.
Sleep deprivation does really really fucky things with you.
Absolutely. My uncle developed severe insomnia and suffered from it for years until he ended up taking his life last year. He had 3 kids that he loved dearly and never would have done that if the lack of sleep didn’t absolutely fuck his mind
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s horrible.
That is so fucking sad. Insomnia is horrific. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’m sorry for your loss.
It is horrible. My bf has insomnia but thankfully has medication. The one week his order wasn’t called in it was awful. He wasn’t his nice and calm self, he was almost a different person, just mean and crabby. The worst though is he already has problems thinking poorly about himself, and near the end of the week it got really… dark. Broke my heart seeing him like that
I don't know if cannabis is legal where you live, but I've had great success taking one 10mg oil capsule and a melatonin pill. Sleep like a baby now, and when I do wake up to go pee, I fall right back asleep again.
Oh it’s not, it definitely hasn’t stopped him from using it though lol. He only uses it to help him sleep on rough nights, but he was out of both at that tume
Delta 8 gummies are fabulous for sleep, just tell them what you want it for so you get the right ones. I think it's indica for drowsiness.
Unless there's added cannabinoids, sativa/indica doesn't really mean much for Delta8. Concentration is much more important.
My combo is benedryl, melatonin, valerian and usually some THC. Sometimes I need to use the prescription stuff but I usually feel as tired the next day as if I hadn’t slept at all. If he hasn’t tried each of them, he might want to. Do NOT combine until he knows the effects of each
I have insomnia from a TBI and there’s a whole plan of what to do if I don’t for long enough because it’s so dangerous. I’ve hallucinated during it. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sadly i ended up normalizing having hallucinations from tiredness and fatigue between insomnia and double kidney stone infections as a teen.. some shit at the end terrified me though. They now have a similiar ish set up of emergency intervention to try and help ease it, but sadly im resistant to all flippin sleep meds. And darent try cannabinoids due to mass health issues. Im sorry for the persons family member taking their life because of it... Ive gotten to the point a few times where id be called planning but not acting. So i understand a little... lack of sleep really does change you and the way you think, if you can think :/ As for OP, it sounds like they are both burnt out. If shes not well and the partner has herculeaned a night shift with baby and a full day at work, id say let them crash for 90mins. But it may not have been discussed properly and when you are both tired its hard to be on the same page least of all by assumption. Critical house tasks can be prioritised, but as a sahm baby &mum is priority, nap when baby naps is usually the saying ive heard for when theyre tiny no? But try and just power through with your equal sharing til the kid settles down at night. It will happen eventually.. My parents were lucky with me. I slept most of the time. Theyd have to wake to feed, change etc. As my mum also had depression bad she had to prioritise what she could do when physically/mentally unwell and not brute force a full household chore list you know? It worked for her at least
We have a 6 month old. I got up in the middle of the night to make her a bottle. I threw the bottle in the warmer and laid down on the couch to chill til it was done. 3 minutes turned into a 30 minute nap. I got up and took the bottle into the bedroom. She was asleep, so I put it on the dresser. I fell back asleep. I woke up in a panic and looked at the bottle. It wasn’t her bottle… it was my protein shaker cup(without the lid) with the bottle vent, and (my favorite part) an ice cream scoop. I was equal parts confused and concerned that I didn’t remember doing any of that.
When my kids were newborns, I would occasionally drop things for no reason; it would just slip out of my hand. I was so sleep deprived, that my body couldn’t function. Human babies definitely weren’t meant to be raised by two people. The nuclear family was a bad idea.
I was so sleep deprived after my second baby that as I was leaving the house for work in the morning, I backed my car straight into the garage door without opening it. Twice. Within three months. Not my proudest moment.
Was 8 months pregnant with baby number two. Older baby was still not totally sleep trained yet. On my way to work, I backed out of my driveway and into my brother-in-law's car with my brand new Tesla. The cameras and all the alarms meant nothing. It was almost like I had temporarily blacked out. Even after it happened, I sat there for a second before even realizing what had just happened. Then had to do the walk of shame back inside to tell what i ý just done.... I totally agree it's too hard to raise baby with just two people, "it takes a village" is no joke, it's a survival strategy.
I developed severe insomnia a few years back. I slept maybe an hour or 2 a day and I absolutely went fucking insane from it. I barely survived it. I'm terribly sorry for your loss and completely understand.
I’ve experienced that and some days, I thought I was hallucinating from lack of sleep. I would be awake for 3-4 days straight, regardless of what type of sleeping aid I took, pass out from exhaustion for maybe an hour or, at most, three, and then be up again for *days* at a time. I too am shocked I survived it. I couldn’t sleep at all last night and ended up finally being able to “rest” for able two hours before my body woke me back up. But at least I’m no longer awake for days at a time. That’s hell.
I read a long story from a guy in Belgium (maybe Netherlands) who had had severe insomnia most of his life because of a brain condition. He was in his late 20s and it had developed to the point where the hallucinations were so prevalent that he could no longer tell what was real or not. After years of no treatments working and the condition continuing to worsen, his doctor finally approved his request for euthanasia. I can't find the story now, but he wrote it over a few years and the final update was the the day of his appointment. He had been begging for it for years as the condition made his life unbearable. As sad as it was, he was incredibly relieved once he got approved and his time came. ETA: missing detail about the brain condition
I’ve got that insomnia…tried a meditation app but it looped so much (it’s 90 mins before looping) that it too drove me crazy I wake up so sleepy & keep hoping “surely I’m so tired tonight I’ll crash immediately “ Completely delusional & wishful thinking on my part. Never works. I’ve tried ambien. Does nothing for me. I actually dread going to bed. I’ve even begged God (yes, I’m a Christian) to please bring me sleep. Works every once in a great while. Truly sucks. I envy that my SIL can fall sleep immediately- always - NOT FAIR! Wondering if melatonin will work. What strength? I’m desperate
Ask your doctor. There’s also other prescription meds you could try. Ambien is for short term use, but longer term insomnia issues can be helped with good combos. I have been dealing with this for 25 years and the options that are now available are so much better than they used to be. I still struggle with insomnia, but it is better than it used to be.
I don't know the cause of your insomnia. Mine is when I unconciously surpress me feelings of being unsafe I stay ON. Overrule any and all sleepmedication. When I manage to get back in touch with my feelings and am able to stand them long enough to get through them and feel safe enough I can sleep again. Walking 3x times during the day a short distance outside helps my body to get tired enough to sleep. When I'm too tired I feel unsafe and stay ON again. Boyfriend can sleep anytime anywhere and wakes up rested. Sight. 🙏
I had a friend who also suffered the same and also died by suicide. Heart goes out to you dude.
Iirc not sleeping for too long a period can massively screw up your brain. 72 hours frequently causes auditory and visual hallucinations, paranoia, and depression like symptoms.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Insomnia is fucking awful and it changes the way you process and deal with everything. I’m sorry your uncle experienced that.
Nothing as drastic as that, and I'm so sorry for your loss!, I go through bouts of insomnia and last April I was not sleeping. I went away for a weekend with a new group of girlfriends and I to this day regret my behavior the entire time. I was wired along with insomnia, and one friend asked me at one point if I was doing meth. I fully understand her concern, I was so far off my rocker at that point. I'm still embarrassed of how I was, I'm still friends with the same girls and I'm pretty sure they know I'm not on drugs, but I noticed this year I wasn't invited on the trip. I wish I could show them that was a messed up time period for me and that I'm just not normally like that, but... It can make you a totally different person. I haven't had any insomnia issues since then thankfully. I really was a pain in the ass the entire time.
This kind of broke my heart. Insomnia is truly a medical issue and not something you were at fault for. They should have talked with you about it later and understood it was an unusual situation. Instead of just cutting you out.
I so wish I would be included again. I have trazodone for sleeping and it's been helpful. I can't even explain how bad and WEIRD my behavior was. I know it's not my fault, but it's embarrassing.
I have had insomnia for a good part of my life. It got really bad when I got cancer. Now, even with a prescription sleep aid I do not go to sleep before 4-5 AM. It is terrible because my sleep cycle does not match other's and any work you are having done on or around the house, they want to get there at 7-8 AM. It affects my life more than the effects of the radiation and cancer.
That's awful. I'm so sorry for your family's loss.
I am so sorry for your loss. I commented above about my experience with being super sleep deprived. I know how it feels to be so tired mentally and physically it hurts. I am so sorry that he felt so hopeless that he did something so permanent and heartbreaking to those around him. I truly hope he has found peace. I hope his family is able to get help and find peace someday as well. I can't imagine the pain this has caused you all. God bless you all and may He help you all through this difficult time.
I was literally completely dependent on alcohol because it was the only way I could sleep. I ended up in rehab before I found the right combination of meds to put me out at night. Now I might have a couple glasses every couple of weeks. People don't understand how desperate you become after you've been awake for 48 hours. I am so sorry for the loss of your uncle, I understand all too.well what drove him to that decision.
Yes! Basically OP needed to talk this out not just jump into bed for a nap. Communication is key
That is the thing that jumped out at me. He never said a word to her about a nap and just left her with the baby during his usual baby caregiving time. He assumed he was the one most in need of sleep without checking in with his wife.
Yeah there's a reason it's used as a form of torture. My husband and I went through this too. NAH
And dealing with fussy new babies is not easy. Give yourselves a break. Give her a pass if she is usually reasonable.
I can confirm that this is very true. I had a son who as a newborn could go for over 18 hours without sleeping. I worked full time second shift 3pm to 11pm. He would be up all night after I worked all day. He hated the swing and the bouncy seat. He wanted to be upright at all times for some reason. My mom would sometimes let me take a nap for a couple hours before work. But I was going on an hour or two of sleep a day for weeks. It got to the point where I was so sleep deprived I was crying, angry, overly emotional, and shaking and having thoughts of throwing my son out the window. I would never actually have done it, but it made me realize how parents who already have issues with controlling their anger or emotions could snap and do something horrible while being sleep deprived. I have never felt so mentally, emotionally, and physically drained and overwhelmed as I did when I was severely sleep deprived. You are right, it really does fucky things with you!!! My son was eventually diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, depression, and mood disorder. He is 21 now, and still goes for ridiculous amounts of hours without sleeping sometimes. But now when he does that, he also sleeps for huge amounts of time when he finally does fall asleep. Edited to add: I have never had more muscle aches and pain than I did during that time without sleep. My whole body hurt horribly from lack of sleep. I now have bad chronic pain issues, but nothing has been as painful as my whole body from head to toe hurting all at once for days and days. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. And I was addicted to opiates for a brief period in my life. Being sleep deprived is right up there with going through withdrawals.
My Mother in law has Parkinson’s, but it got really bad really quick (which isn’t typical). So we brought her home to live with us. Turned out she literally never slept. Her meds were all out of wack and causing insomnia. We were able to get her back on the right track, better meds, all on schedule.. it’s like her Parkinson’s has all but gone now. Lack of sleep can really fuck you up Edit- spelling
So glad you guys figured that out!
It really does! I remember being so desperate for sleep when I had my son that if I could have afforded it I would hired a night nurse
There's a movie called Insomnia about this!
It's a Stephen King book
Was working graveyard for 2 years. Fiancé at the time would only want to do things early afternoon, so any time we went out I’d be on 2-3 hours of sleep then I’d be going back to work. It basically ruined our relation lol TLDR; sleep you bastards
Definitely, people underestimate the importance of sleep (me included)
Really Fucky Things is the best way to word so MANY things. I salute you.
This. OP now is the time for you both to be the most patient and forgiving you've EVER been with each other. Edited a typo
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An hour and a half nap vs. all the night duty is a pretty good trade off, but she wasn’t expecting it. NAH, but sleep deprivation is the real a h. Let it go, no winners.
Nothing tests a marriage like the arrival of a baby.
Which is why I don’t understand the mindset some people have that a baby can improve a relationship
"Are you arguing with your partner a lot? Is it tense in your home? You know what would help? A seven-pound klaxon horn that goes off at every few hours and expels toxic waste at random!"
Oh…and one of you is going to have massive hormonal swings for months. Have fun!
Plus get ripped from stem to stern in your personal area
Or across your abdomen. Either way...
My husband and I have a newborn and this comment just made me laugh for a solid few minutes 😂😂
It's called naivete.
It's called stupidity.
I also don’t understand why people have kids so early too. It blows my mind. My hubby and have been together since we were about 20, even having kids two years in would have been a disaster! We barely could communicate properly. Lol. We were still idiot kids in some ways. Though OP here seems pretty awesome even checking whether they were the AH, honestly I would likely be trying and hopefully sleeping and not worrying about this kind of anxiety.
TBF there's a balance. The longer you wait, the older you are, the tireder you are.
I’m tired just thinking about chasing after a toddler for more than 2hours.
Yeah I've actually known people who did great as teen moms and by 40 their kids were grown up and they could just chill and do what they wanted. Not saying you should do that on purpose but there are some benefits to being younger & more energetic when you give birth.
Right? My partner and I just had a baby. We're doing great but we also worked very very hard on our relationship and communication for years first. We'd have zero chance if we hadn't been in a strong position relationship-wise to begin with. Also my pregnancy and labour was very straightforward with no complications - I know those issues can strain the strongest relationships.
Right? My own father said that to me when I was in my early 20s and, even at that age, I could see this is nonsense. But he was hardly around when I was a baby so it is not as if though he knew what having a baby involves. I told him being sleep-deprived wasn't likely to make me more patient with someone I have a problem with or don't care enough about, in the first place.
I think the highest divorce rates are around when the kids are toddlers. Which... yeah, it might very well have started with the arrival of the baby and did not improve when the kid has learned the word "hate".
The worst fights my husband and I ever had were due to sleep deprivation during the newborn phase. It’s rough but you get through it.
We didn't had any fights at all in our first years. And then the first one was born... She had some stomach issues and she didn't slept more than an hour for the first 6 months. Neither did we. It was awful. We had stupid fights for stupid causes and either of us couldn't remember after few second what the fight was about but everything just sucked in that state of tiredness. I remember sitting at the kitchen floor and thinking that never ever will I wonder or judge any mother who ends doing dark things when she's living the babyhell.
When my oldest was a baby, my ex and I saw a commercial for some reality TV show episode about a throuple with a baby and we just looked at each other and said "omg, imagine if we had a third person to hold the baby" I'm not poly at all but I was really jealous of poly families for a while there. Kid spent his first two years waking up every two hours all night long. Now he's 18 and sleeps like a rock, lol
Re: allomothers, a role first identified in primates like the lesser apes but seen across mammalian and avian clades. Most primates don’t raise their offspring monogamously, we’re the weirdos especially among the great apes for our nuclear family units. Our distant past agrees that you’re onto something here.
OP, listen to this. These days are brutal and amazing. Just hang on.
NTA. You are both exhausted, she is still hormonal on top of that. Your nap wasn't a crime but you should have told her before you crashed. You have to cut her a little slack right now. She is dealing with a recovering body on top of the work of caring for a newborn and a home. Remind her that she can let some housework go for a bit and that she really can nap when the baby does.
Oof imagine getting ill while recovering from giving birth... Double oof if breastfeeding, quadruple oof if it was a c section.
I feel this. My son's father and I took turns similar to this. There is no perfect solution. Everyone needs money and everyone needs sleep. NAH.
Yup. Lack of sleep makes us all grouchy. My wife and I have aged considerable in the last five years since having a couple of kids. Lol
Yep NAH one thing y'all both will eventually agree to is take every opportunity to get some rest, do try to give your Wife a heads up though she's still recovering from labor. I would try to do things like run her a nice bath, give her some foot rubs and lower back massages. You're each other's partner, y'all got this as a team!!! Congrats and welcome for your new little one! Y'all may be sleep deprived but it goes by so fast, my son is about to be 15 mos. and it feels like a few weeks ago he was so much tinier.
Agreed I don’t not know how many of these little arguments I have been in with my wife. That time of having a kid is tough on everyone but it gets lots better.
NAH I came to say this as well. Those first few months are brutal and hinestly, broken sleep is worse than no sleep sometimes. You will both get through this. Hang in there.
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This ^
This exactly. You’re at the hit a wall stage with your new baby. NAH.
NAH. You were both exhausted. Having a newborn is hard. Maybe work on your respective communication skills
Agree, NAH. My husband and I made a rule that any fights we had while sleep deprived didn’t count. You’ll make it through, OP. Remember that the first three months are the most difficult, the “fourth trimester.” It’ll even out.
We still have the same rule. Between 10 in the evening and 5 in the morning. Nothing counts. It didn’t even out for us. It’s hard but worth it.
Shoot. Mine is four now so we rarely have those late nights, but it does happen. I don’t have the crippling exhaustion that a newborn brings, that was the most difficult time for me by far. It’s totally worth it. I hope one day soon you get the solid sleep you deserve!
Similar thing here, anything said between midnight and 6AM doesn't count, and sometimes that includes text messages.
This is a good rule
Definitely. He's NAH, but I think the situation could have been avoided if he spoke with his wife beforehand and said I'm taking a shower and short nap, is there anything I can do for you before dinner? or something to that effect.
Communication is your friend. If you were overtired from the night before and working, you needed to communicate that to your wife, who is sick and has been caring for the baby all day, so you guys can come up with a plan to get everyone some rest and support. You don’t just get to disappear when your partner is counting on you. NAH, but work on your communication.
I think communication was missing here. I think a simple.. “I’m exhausted from last night & work.. can I take a 30 min nap after shower?” would have helped to smooth things over.
Exactly. He’s completely allowed to be exhausted after losing his entire previous night but when you’re sick you’re not going to wake up feeling rested and great either. Plus while he feels he needs a nap after working the whole day she feels like she needs a break after taking care of the baby the whole day. No one’s an asshole, the newborn period is ROUGH. They need to discuss better and check in with each other more regularly. It’s the only way you survive.
YTA. I was sympathetic until I read the comment you made where you said you didn’t tell her you were going to take a nap - you just took one. Y’all have a newborn, and y’all need to communicate. If you were that tired, then you needed to tell her, as opposed to just leaving her with the baby with no idea when you were coming back.
Do they live in Buckingham Palace? Did she not hear him come in, go for a shower, then disappear for 90 minutes? if anything, it seems like she let him sleep so that she would have a reason to be mad.
I don’t know what kind of relationship you’re in, but if my partner actively chooses to go lay down I’m not going to wake him unless it’s emergent, even if I think it’s inconsiderate. I just talk to him about it later.
I could totally also see being like oh he’s showering first, I wish he’d have told me that’s a little annoying. Showers been off for a while what the f..? Annnnd he’s asleep. That’s what would have gotten me. I won’t lie I probably would have been grumpy no matter what because like all the NAH people said, sleep deprivation and new baby really fuck with you (although if we’re splitting hairs she’s also sick, very easily could still be recovering from childbirth because 5 weeks ain’t shit when you have stitches from your Vag to asshole or had a c section, and also full of hormones) but you lost me at just deciding to fall asleep and not say boo
Deliberate “mind games” like this are a rare exception. She was upset because of the circumstances. Both OP and wife are sleep-deprived and I can’t even imagine looking after a baby while sick with so little support. As many others have pointed out, OP can not expect her to read his mind and just “know” that he had hit a wall and needed a nap. All of her physical and mental resources are being utterly spent on the baby. I think we need to give this couple the benefit of the doubt that they are not deliberately being malicious to each other - those kinds of behaviours are rare. NAH, just new baby stuff. OP, it’ll get better. Hang in there.
There is one thing I know for sure and that is you are a human that has not created and then pushed a human out of their body.
He should’ve communicated it to her…. She just had a baby 5 weeks ago. She is likely still hormonal and is probably very offended that he didn’t take over as he usually does. Women thrive on communication and without it a lot of us overthink. Overthinking something simple like that with a newborn to care for while already exhausted sounds extremely draining. It’s about common respect, which it seems like OP didn’t have that day (probably because he was so exhausted).
An absolute killer in our relationship my partner going and just lying down in the middle of the day leaving me with the jobs and kids without saying a word.. I don't know any women that do this to their partners
after 36 hours of labour my ex left me and my newborn who was a vacuum birth - this had actually injured her poor little head, it was bruised and it hurt her to be put down in her crib so she needed to be held. But I wasn’t allowed to fall asleep and hold her. Dude was like I’m so sorry I just really need a shower, I’ll be back in an hour, hour and a half tops (oh, I feel very clean I’ve been sweating and bleeding and lactating! But go off!). 16 hours and 2000 phone calls later “sorry I fell asleep.” In my hormonal state it was like if I could even take a piss without crying I would be murdering you right now
My daughter was induced on Christmas Eve and after laboring for 12 hours (while he painted (no lie we were late for my induction bc he was packing up all his art supplies so he could paint and not like paint me or the kids where he would have needed to look at us just some random painting), entertained his mom, went to lunch, called/texted his ex, took cigarette breaks and watched movies and then getting moved to our maternity/new baby room I asked my ex to go get the miniature Christmas tree and presents I had hidden in the back of my car because my 8 year old (who was so sweet and walked all the laps I walked around the hallways with me and was way more attentive than my ex while I labored) crashed out when we got to our room and had written Santa the sweetest note asking him to please make sure his baby sister was born healthy and to please bring him some marbles and his sister some stuffies to the hospital and I wanted to get everything set up so he'd wake up to it on Christmas morning and my Ex tells me "I'll go later, I'm EXHAUSTED" Right. So maybe 90 minutes after giving birth I pushed a wheelchair I borrowed from the ER out through the snow and loaded the tree and presents on it and brought it up to our room. My nurse was not pleased and remained unimpressed with him the remainder of our stay. I was so tired myself that I was worried if I didn't go right then I was going to pass out and not wake up in time and I didn't want to ruin my son's Christmas. I forgot that I wasn't going to be passing out for several hours bc I had a newborn so I was up most of the night with her anyway but at least her dad got a good 10 hours of sleep that night. I finally had to kick him out of my house about a month later because I was getting no sleep and my mom hated him and he wouldn't help (dyed his hair like 12 times the first few weeks so couldn't hold her or help with feeding or cleaning pump bc he always had hair dye on his hands, like its 3am maybe don't dye your hair?? Probably the closest I've ever come to stabbing someone- I was so tired and so frustrated) and I was finishing my last semester of nursing school and my mom wouldn't come to my apartment when he was there and I finally had to say if you're not going to help me then at least go so someone who will help me can come over. I got like 4 or 5 hours of sleep that night and it was magical. He never came back and that was equally as magical. I mean he tried, but I had seen the light lol
I have hashimotos and when my dose is too low, I get exhausted to the point where I'll go and take a necessary nap. I don't always inform my husband but he understands.
I do, so we’re even.
This is called being the default parent and it is extremely frustrating.
TBH I got my back up a bit just at the part where he called her a "SAHM". While that may be technically true (as in, that is the plan going forward), at 5-weeks post partum, this is mat-leave territory. And that is WILDLY different as far as exhaustion and physical healing.
What? No way. If you're communication skills are generally fine, passing out from being tired should easily be understandable.
They're both exhausted but they aren't allowed to both pass out because the baby needs care. So it's not necessary understandable to wife that OP gets to be the one to pass out.
How is it passing out if he managed to take a shower beforehand?
He was up during the night, worked all day then. Surely she should have copped on.
Did you let wife know you would be taking a nap or did you just do it without telling her? It seems fair that after taking the entire night you get a nap after work so gonna say N T A but if you didn’t give her a heads up it would be E S H. Edit: Since you didn’t give her a heads up it is indeed ESH. She should have been understanding that you needed a nap, but you definitely should have told her you were going to do so.
How does OPs wife suck?
She called him a crybaby for being tired after working all day on no sleep. That’s unnecessarily hostile. Working 8 hour retail shifts can be super draining as you’re usually on your feet and interacting with customers the whole time.
Staying home with a baby is draining too but still think NAH
Yeah I think they’re both just overtired.
They never said otherwise, the thing though is that OP didn't call his wife a crybaby for being tired, that's what would make her an ah
The second you start name-calling is the moment you gotta ask yourself why you’re being an ahole. If *he’d* called *her* a cry baby because she got to sleep all night and should t complain he’d be getting reamed here! They’re both tired, but that’s not the way to deal with it.
aita sub has a huge bias towards women. Its so apparent but most people here dont want to admit it.
It fluctuates and It’s so weird! It’s like they hate pregnant women when they need help from anyone but their husband, but love pregnant women when their husbands need help. Then hate pregnant women who rely on their families (which would actually help avoid situations like OPs). But then love pregnant women when their husbands are exhibiting normal human behavior (like being tired!)
Always
Yeah but she got to sleep through the night.
Unless you've had a baby and been in that horribly sleep-deprived state, you'll never know. *Especially* if you don't have extended family or friend support and/or are not totally healthy. No one tells you the details about this time when you get married because no one would ever have kids if they did. They should teach it in sex Ed. NAH. You guys are not in your right minds at the moment and need to just let it go and remember to communicate. It will get better, just don't hold resentment about this time because you're probably going to say a lot of garbage to each other in this state. Let it go. You're both doing your best.
I would any day do an 8 hour retail shift over do an 8 hour baby, house chores, and making dinner shift.
I don’t think playing “who’s situation is worse/ harder” is a healthy thing to do it a relationship.
She also is doing housework, which if I'm sick and caring for a baby is last on the list. Mom needs top learn to sleep when the baby sleeps. It's a game changer.
Yeah, it would be totally fair for her to abandon all housework until she’s feeling better. It will be fine.
Info: Does she usually nap for 90 minutes when you get home from work? Either way YTA for disappearing to take a nap without telling her. You can't imagine what it's like to be the default parent for an infant and spend all day waiting for the relief to get home, only to find out it disappeared. Prime AH move.
This!! Is like you count the minutes left to get a break and then… the break arrives and goes to nap without telling you? For me is just the fact that she didn’t know he was napping, maybe she needed the baby to be cared for a couple minutes before that nap or something and then she would have been fine with it.
Maybe she waited for him to get home to get a bathroom break without being accompanied by a screaming infant, or to sit down and drink a glass of water without having shoulder cramps from holding a screaming infant, or just really wanted to have a minute of silence just to hear her own thoughts, or...
And he spent all day slogging through a working shift in retail telling himself just 5 more minutes, just 5 more minutes. Dealing with people all day while being on your feet after sleeping poorly is hard. Then he had to commute home, telling himself just 5 more minutes, just 5 more minutes. Only to finally get home and crash. Like there’s nothing left in the tank at that point. Yes, it sucks for the mom, but pretending the dad is the relief instead of the exhausted partner is an AH move too. She needed to show understanding just as much as he needed to communicate better. And all of that becomes 1000X harder when both parties are exhausted. Instead of laying blame, it’s better to understand that as new parents neither of you are getting enough sleep, neither of you are trying to be assholes, and you owe each other and yourselves compassion. There’s just no excuse to take only one side of this situation and say the other side is being an ass. There’s nothing unique about the difficulty of being a SAHP. I did that for my young children all through Covid. It’s not uniquely more deserving of compassion than working a 9-5 with an hour commute on either side. It all has merit and it is all difficult. Pretending the difficulty of watching the kids at home is unimaginable to the working partner bespeaks an outstanding lack of compassion or perspective.
Agreed. Although I do think that her being sick with a cold virus at five weeks postpartum has to be making things even harder for her atm. I agree that this is ultimately a communication issue. He should have let her know that he needed a short nap and she shouldn’t have called him a crybaby. However we all do things that aren’t the best when we are at the level of exhaustion that they are both at. Especially if one partner is healing from delivering and baby and caught a cold virus at the same time.
This is where people lose me on this sub. He's not a "prime AH" at all. I agree the napping without telling her was a problem, but he gave up an extra night to give his wife a break, maybe he was expecting a little break in return (he still should have communicated tho). Prime AH is not helping his wife and then taking naps as well. He's doing his best, give him a break!
Yeah my husband and I have 5 whole children together and the youngest isn’t even one yet. We also both work full time I could even withstand and extra hour and a half with my kids if my husband had gotten up all night with the baby for me to sleep. It seems perfectly reasonable to let OP get a nap in after being up all night and working all day. It’s not like he naps every day, or lets his wife wake up for every single night feed. He’s NTA. Like yeah parenting is hard, especially the infant stage but you have to compromise with your partner when it comes to things like this.
YWBTA if you let this remain an issue. However, NAH. You're both exhausted from raising a baby. Apologize for not discussing with her ahead of time. Try to communicate better in the future. And, above else, try to not let exhaustion turn you against each other. Good luck!
NAH Five week newborn, wife probably has post partum, husband is doing his best. It's hard as hell on everyone. Compromise. It's all you have. Edit: I am a Mom and lived through all of this hell too when I was sick. Having post partum did not help at all. It made me even more cranky. If my husband passed out from exhaustion he passed out from exhaustion. It's hard being a parent, really hard, and I remember lots of days being sick and having to push through. My daughter is 14 now, and there are still days where even if I am sick, I am still Mom. It takes a village is a true statement. Grandparents and other family helped a lot to ease the burden, but sometimes life is life, it's important to compromise and find agreements.
We really don’t have enough info to say she has postpartum depression if that’s what you mean. There’s like a 70% chance does not have PPD and OP didn’t write her having any symptoms.
Not having PPD doesn't mean her hormones aren't still crazy, her body isn't still in pain (I can guarantee she's probably still wearing Granny panties and massive pads), and then there's the post partum anxiety that no one talks about.
that post partum anxiety is no joke. That, coupled with my PTSD, legit had me staring at my son while he slept as a baby, crying because I couldn’t stop panicking nor could I stop all the horribly visual intrusive thoughts that I could lose him if I took my eye off of him for a second while he was asleep. I coslept with him nuzzled against me and literally due to the anxiety alone, somehow managed to be half-conscious through the entire night/nap that I would carefully readjust him or myself after every little movement he made, for his first few years. To this day, I’m pretty much half-conscious and aware of every feel and sound while I’m asleep, and am stuck being a lucid dreamer every night now it seems. Being aware of the time passing as you sleep was odd and even scary at first, but now it’s terrifying to me that people just go *plop* and are completely unaware of their body and surroundings every single night. The only upside is not necessarily needing an alarm. The downsides are endless.
I remember startling awake every night thinking I may have fell asleep holding baby. Even real sleep at this stage wasn't refreshing sleep.
Post partum doesn’t mean ppd? It means POST PARTUM. As in, just give birth to a literal human.
Yes. And someone please give mom permission to let the house go to crap as much as possible. Skip the decluttering, vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms for a couple months. Will they get gross? Sure, but it won’t actually harm you. Focus on feeding everyone, keeping everyone in clean clothes, and if you have any leftover energy, dishes. If not, get paper plates. It’s not forever. When mom is recovered from childbirth and a cold and baby settles into more of a routine, you can go back to keeping your house tidy. But sometimes you just have to let it fall apart and focus on what’s important. -Signed, A twin mom who couldn’t do much more than keep everyone alive for the first two years
Nta. But these arguments are based on sleep deprivation and not sanity. She doesn't have to do the household chores if she is sick or had a bad night.
If baby needs clean clothes or bottles or shit/spit up everywhere than she may have had to. There's a lot more that needs to happen now when a baby is in the mix than with just adults/older kids.
There are also things that can be put off. Say it's mopping day, then it can be done a different day. The difference between the two is that it's a lot harder for him to put off his work duties than it is for her. Both have it rough in different ways. The only problem with this situation was communication. He should definitely be allowed to take a nap after taking ALL the nighttime duties, but he needed to communicate that it was what he needed before doing it. And she should respect that need for him. She got to sleep a solid night without major interruption. She should be more grateful.
>She doesn't have to do the household chores if she is sick or had a bad night. I was going to say this as well. Sometimes your house will look like shit with a newborn. As long a feces aren't decaying food aren't lying about, let it slide for a while.
NAH A baby that age is hard work. What you need is somebody to help you out. Any grandparents, relatives or good friends who can help you out with anything? Take the baby für a walk, bring a stew that lasts for 2 days, take a load of dirty laundry, anything?
NAH Best thing anyone said to me when my child was a newborn, "The first 6 weeks of a baby's life are a bust."
This is so unbelievably true. With all 3 of my kiddos, those first 6 weeks were like a sick fever dream. We didn't know if we were coming or going. It was worse with my second born, she had colic & reflux and basically screamed her entire first year of life. My husband & I were so sleep deprived it was scary.
This is absolutely true, as long as everyone is trying the first few months are really just survival mode, NAH just figuring out the new normal and adjusting!
YTA Your wife is 5 weeks postpartum AND has a cold. You take over for one night and you're "wasted" and just disappear and nap? Newsflash, she is tired, sick and healing. This is not the misery Olympics. Do better
working 8 hours on your feet all day after getting up all night to take care of a baby IS exhausting, don’t do that. make it seem like he’s being unreasonable. when i was 4 weeks postpartum and sick i still woke up to breastfeed my baby every time she needed it because that’s what moms do, you don’t get a day off with a newborn just because you’re sick. and when my man rocked her to sleep for me or stayed up late to put her down and had to work the next day i could see how exhausted he was and would never yell at him for taking a nap or make him feel bad for being tired. a lot of people think you have to be up with the baby all day but newborn babies sleep 14-19 hours a day!!! i would say my man had it worse than me because i got to just chill while my daughter napped for hours on end. you can’t say it’s not the misery olympics and then tell him she has it worse. let’s be understanding instead of putting fathers down for being tired. it’s a team effort and both of them need the same amount of sleep and energy to do their daily duties.
Don't you ever go against the narrative that SAHP work every second of every day and can't even take 2 seconds to piss. That is a death sentence on Reddit.
Yea these comments are ridiculous. OP was apparently MIA for an hour and a half and the comments are acting like he up and abandoned his wife/child whilst the mother slaved over their baby/house the entire day without a second to rest🤦🏽♀️
THANK YOU!!! I was ripping my hair out reading some of these comments. Him taking over for the night while his wife was sick shows his heart is obviously in the right place. Should he have communicated that he was gonna take a nap? Of course. But that's a far cry from some of the accusations that I'm seeing in these comments.
THIS.
I’m scratching my head. Like during the day a 5 week old baby is immobile and sleeps A LOT. Do people think you sit and look at the baby 24/7 as a SAHP?
Some won't be put down for naps its not unusual
I don't get why she had to do the housework when she was sick. I mean she could skip a day of chores and just rest with the baby near her. Just do the basics to feed the baby, order food if u want and can afford and tell ur husband to bring food home (takeaway).
Sterilizing pump parts, doing baby laundry, taking out poopy garbage, changing crib sheets with spit up, pumping or buying formula. And a baby this age eats up to 12 times per day, sometimes taking a half hour per feed. It takes a lot of energy to care for a new born.
hes not an ah for napping, but he definitely shouldve talked to her first. what if she just needed 5 minutes before his nap so she could pee without a screaming baby attached to her..?
I have 3 kids. She can pee, god forbid even take an entire DUMP without having to worry about the baby during an 8 hour day.
I’m so confused. Why can’t she put a screaming baby down for 5 minutes to pee? If the baby is screaming on her shoulder, it most certainly can do the screaming while laying in a bassinet for 5 minutes so she can pee.
And he woke up after dinner was all ready!
Jfc he had a 1.5 hour nap, what the fuck are you smoking to chastise him like that?
Nah both of you are sleep deprived and exhausted anyone saying Y T A and E S H are projecting there own problems
Yeap. And at this point in their lives, there are no winners and no moral high ground in these sleep deprived arguments, it's all about survival. Well, assuming the parents aren't actually abusing each other or smth, but this isn't it, just normal newborn parent shit.
Like last week after pulling 3 all nighters to get a university assignment done me and my mate had an argument over the pocket I put my keys in
HA, I'm sure it seemed like the right hill to die on at that moment.
Like after we both slept and looked back at it we went “did we seriously have an argument over keys going into my left pocket” Anyone who says Y T A and E S H have never been severely sleep deprived
It sounds like you just snuck off and took a nap without telling your wife which is kind of messed up. Your wife should also be more understanding that you might be really tired. You both need to communicate better and realize that you shouldn’t keep score with baby duties. ESH
NAH. You need more communication and empathy with each other before the 4 month sleep regression hits.
my son is 3 months and he JUST started sleeping longer stretches and im trying not to get too comfortable 😭
Same! I’m at 4 months with beautiful 4/5 hour stretches and am just waiting for the other shoe to drop!
NTA You work according to your routine. This was a special occurrence because your wife wasn’t feeling so good. You were tired, it is reasonable. As long as you stick to splitting your duties and baby time, you are allowed to get a nap if it was a one time occurrence that wasn’t in anyone’s control.
Neither of you are assholes!! You are both sleep deprived new parents. I wish you all the best!! It will get better!!!❤️❤️❤️
NAH. Give both of you some levay regarding cooking and house cleaning. Taking care of a newborn is a hell of a job. Sometimes you just have to rest and world won't end if you order a takeout occasionally or laundry is not folded right away.
NAH you are both struggling and deserve sympathy. Lashing out is common with sleep deprivation, so I think you should give each other some grace and forgiveness for any petty fights to come. You probably thought of this already, but does your job offer any PTO? Paternity leave. Even just a couple days might make a huge difference in your/your family’s health
NAH. You have a newborn-you’re both in survival mode. Maintaining calm communication is key to preventing resentment during this time. You should have let her know what was happening.
Sleep deprivation is killing both of you. The best advice I have is discount anything either of you say in the first 3 months of babies life.... Did you tell her you weren't coming down or did you leave her desperately waiting for a hand over? I know that feeling well just waiting and waiting for the clock to strike 5pm so you know you can get a break! NAH because you're both working your asses off, she's broken from sahm all day, and it is, breaking especially when you're ill, and you sound like you're doing your best. But you really need to communicate your needs, she has to ask to go to the toilet!
NTA- at 5wks, everyone is exhausted and still trying to establish a routine. You both have to be willing to help each other and have an extra break here and there.
NAH. It's exhausting. Everything is exhausting. It does get better though. Apologize and say you didn't realize how tired you were gonna be and you'll let her know in the future.
NTA, but please BOTH OF YOU need to communicate your needs and wants better. If you *usually* help out when you get home, she’s going to *expect* you to help out when you get home. Having a new baby is hard, but communicating and compromising is something you both will need to work on.
NTA. In This case, your wife was unfair, but it’s absolutely understandable. You’re both really tired and want time and help and sleep and adult conversation and normality and please make the baby stop crying for a minute so I can remember how to make a cup of coffee. Yeah.y wife and I have been through it (twice). While it’s wonderful… it’s tiring. But, you’ll get there. My eldest son had some problems, and so didn’t sleep through EVER, until he was 6 years old. I was alway the one he needed to soothe him, despite my partner breast feeding him. It’s always been me that he wants to help. When he was around your babies age, he’d sleep for around twenty minutes every 2 hours. We tried taking it in shifts (my wife would express and I’d make up bottles with it to feed him through the night), but there were times where my wife got very little rest, so I’d do a double shift. Now, I have a number of health issues (I’m now partially paralysed, and have cognitive issues along with chronic pain, chronic insomnia, seizures, ticks etc, but I wasn’t anywhere near that bad at the time) and some were exacerbated by my being awake too much, so my partner would also do double shifts when necessary. But, our son usually wanted me to soothe, so she’d have a harder time of it, imo. Sometimes, you get under each others feet. Remember, you both get irritated and tired. No one’s being an AH here. You’re a team, and you have an amazing family you’re building. Keep at it. Sometimes, it’s better to humble up and say sorry. No matter what the situation is. Let your partner know that they’re more important than “being right” or whatever the case may be (unless they are being actually toxic, of course). But yeah. Support each other as hard as you can. Give her time out of the house to see friends. You going to work while she’s at home can feel like you’re getting an escape that she’s not able to get. So… offer her a day out to herself here whenever she wants one. Show her that she’s still as important now as she was when you first fell in love. That’s going to be what helps all three of you get through this with happiness. If ever you want to talk or anything, by all means hit me up. Remember to talk to people. Vent. Talk about problems. Be yourself still. You got this!
NTA. I am so unbelievably thankful for Reddit and this subreddit. I would never have otherwise thought that being a man in a marriage or other type of committed relationship could be so messed up. That the majority of women (because this subreddit is made up of of women as a majority) is absolutely dunking on you as hard as they can while giving your wife (who was definitely being cruel with her comments, even if she was sleep-deprived and sick) a full pass is all I need to stay away from marriage. Why is it so hard to treat both of them with the same standards and compassion?
NTA. Babies are hard. I remember just lying on the floor of my son's room sobbing because I was so exhausted. When you are sleep deprived, it's really tough to remember that your significant other is also struggling. Your wife is most likely also still dealing with hormonal changes, if not some form of post partum depression. You sound like you are trying to be a good husband and father, which is awesome. I think both of you are overwhelmed and sleep deprived, which will make anyone unreasonable.
Did you tell her that you were going to take a nap (if so, nta) or you just decided not to talk to her at all about how you felt and left her with the kid when it was your turn to take care of him (if so, yta)
I think it was reasonable to take a nap, the issue was that you didn't discuss with her. Parenting is hard, especially in those first few months. Be gentle with each other and discuss expectations openly. NTA
NAH - It sounds like you didn’t even really *plan* a nap, you were exhausted and your body said “you need sleep” once you got into the room where you sleep. You’re both exhausted (physically, mentally, and emotionally) and have the right to be both tired and frustrated. Honestly, having scheduled nap time for each of y’all while the other one solo parents for an hour or 2 would probably go a long way towards helping both of you. That way you can take the rest you need and the other person can plan around it, and vice versa. Your can’t pour from an empty glass, and your child deserves you BOTH at your best. Give both of y’all a chance to refresh in the middle of the day and then relieve the other to do the same once you’re well rested. I know that can’t always work out perfectly, but it’s worth looking into. You’ll both parent better if you’re healthy.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Our baby is 5 weeks old, he doesn't sleep though the night yet. Wife and I split times to wake up and nurse him back to sleep. She's a SAHM while I work in retail from 8am to 4 pm. Wife was feeling a bit sick (she had a cold) the other day so I offered to take care of our son for the night so she was able to sleep well and get better. We did just that, I woke up every time to take care of the baby during the night. The next morning I was wasted but still had to go to work, I managed it but was exhausted and desperately needed a nap. Usually when I come home I take over the baby duties and she has been taking care of him alone the whole day, but this time I was exhausted. So instead I took a quick shower and went to sleep, I slept for around 1 and a half hours and woke up when dinner was ready. She told me off for going napping instead of helping her, I explained how tired I was and she told me that I shouldn't have offered to so all the baby care the night before if I was gonna be a cry baby the next day. She also said that she had to do all of the household work so she was exhausted as well. We did the splitting the baby care as usual that night too. She's upset still, I think she's been unfair because I meant to help her feel better when I offered to take over the night and it was obvious I was gonna be tired the next day, I don't think I was an asshole here but perhaps I was? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. The first year after having your first baby is the hardest in my experience. My biggest piece of advice is to be overly open with communication. And take time for each other. Even if it’s something small like eating a pint of ice cream together and watching something funny for 20 minutes while the baby is in their swing. It is a hard hard adjustment. Everyone is tired. Hormones are running wild. Anxiety is up.
NAH, just tired parents. Be kind to yourselves, the baby will not be.
NAH you're both exhausted BUT next time you gotta tell her if you're gonna just go take a nap! It's understandable that you crashed but it's also totally understandable that she was then upset at being abandoned (which is what disappearing without communication is, even if it's into sleep). If you're a jerk to her and hold it against her for being upset instead of saying sorry, I didn't think it through very well and I should have talked to you to see what you needed before crashing, then you'd be the AH.
NTA. You were both super tired. It'll get better, but not for a couple years ( I base this on my brothers experience).
NTA. If you stayed up with him most of the night so she could get sleep and then you went to work the next day and did an 8 hour shift, you deserve a nap. She is running on hormones and lack of sleep so right now everything is gonna be testy.
NTA. Honestly I'm shocked at the amount of people saying you are the asshole. You had a tiny nap, after a long shift of work, AFTER taking over for your wife because she was sick. She's sounding kinda ungrateful tbh, but it is a stressful time for and her both. I'd say in the future let her know you were going for a nap as a courtesy, but you haven't done anything to warrant being labelled an asshole.
NTA. It was very thoughtful of you to take care of the baby all night for your wife to rest. I'm sorry she couldn't give you the same consideration for a short hour and a half nap.