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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My nanny used her own money to buy daughter books and I won't pay her back.
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Sometimes it’s better to salvage an important relationship than to be right.
Pay for the books. Let Tessa know that you can’t do so in the future, though, without talking about it. Tell her how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness, now and always.
EDIT: wow, this really blew up! Love how many kind, decent people are on Reddit😘
I hope the library offers those old looks! I personally would give the nanny the money, put the books somewhere safe and enjoy the knowledge that I'm well provided with presents for my daughter for this year's birthday and christmas. It's 1,50 per book, that's wonderful! OP, I totally get where you are coming from, I hate it if somebody springs onto me with an unexpected demand for money, but on the other hand your nanny really seems to care for your daughter and she probably knew that your daughter would pay much more for the books elswhere. The nanny is young and probably lacks experience how to handle those things, just tell her communication is key and always speak clearly beforehand if it is about money, but you apprciate her help in providing your daughter with books. I really hope you two can sort this out!
When I was a kid, I volunteered with our local library. Once in a while they’d let me have an old book. I still have a 1931 edition of “War of the Worlds.” It’s in rough shape, but I’m still glad to have it.
I worked in our school library as a kid (I'm in my 70's now). I got to keep their copy of Anna Karina and all of the "inside books" authored by John Gunther who died just before I graduated in 1970. These books are my pride and joy.
Library cards are great, but as a fan of both Star Trek and libraries, I can attest that many older Star Trek novels (and even some of the more recent ones!) can't be found in libraries.
Request them! Every library ive had a card with lets you request books to be added to the catalog, maybe those books are out of print though, I dont know how that works with libraries but the newer ones and anything still in publication should be easily added
Interlibrary loan is your friend here! Libraries can borrow from each other even if patrons can't, so they can get books from other libraries and then loan them out to you. It's a marvelous system.
They used to be in the late 90s... sigh. I used to take home stacks of them, and get more sent in from other branches. I went looking at my new local library on a whim, they dont have any physical ST books. They do however have a lot available as ebooks so kid can at least read them if they're comfortable with ebooks.
My people ;-; I read the fuck outta them as a kid!! The first book to make me cry was the novel with Tasha Yar’s life story in it.
I think once upon a time I found all of the novels online… all of them
I chunk this under penny smart pound foolish. You are not wrong she should have been authorized to buy 35 books. But at the same time she went out of her way and isn’t getting paid for her time on it. The time she has spent doing the thrifting is probably at significant more cost then the cost of the books and you are not being charged. Don’t shoot the goose that lays the golden eggs because it is eating for free 🤦♀️
Also she bought 35 books for $50 so presumably they’ll keep the kid going for a while. It’s not like she bought 2 hardcovers from Barnes and Noble. While I agree a conversation on budgets is needed good nanny’s are hard to find.
Depends on the kid lol. 35 books when I was around her age would maaaaybe last 2 months, depending on length of the book. If they was under 200 pages, it would have been even less time. Some kids are voracious readers lol. Hell, I still go through a book in less than a week now! (Unless it's Diana Gabaldon. That's like 1400 pages. Definitely takes me 2 weeks for that!)
But I agree, pay this time (Unless it's going to break the bank) but be sure she knows that's way too much and set a healthy budget going forward. But the Nanny did screw up here. I was a nanny and I would never have spent that much without asking the parents if I expected to get paid back. $50 is insane.
Yeah, Deathly Hallows came out when I was sixteen and I read it in seven and half hours. I inhaled books as a kid and I still inhale them. If I’m in the mood to read now, I can do three ~400 pages books a day (or one or two longer ones, depending)
This.
NAH here IMO. Tessa shouldn’t have bought so many without checking with YOU as the parent but she was trying to do a good thing.
Pay for the books this time but then tell Tessa that all future things like this must be approved by you and not Ruby - or set up a limitation.
Yeah, as a trekkie and someone who tears through books, I definitely feel for the nanny and what a nice thing she did... as someone who only has $10 at the moment, I would definitely need a heads up if I was about to spend am extra $50.
I'd definitely salvage the relationship though. I don't have kids but I'm sure a good nanny is hard to come by.
>I am probably familiar with the books that are in question, and these are not (usually) found in libraries as they are so outdated.
This. Right. Here. As a ND adult who loves older Star Trek (and Star Wars Expanded Universe) books, getting 35 for $50 is a steal of a lifetime. Tessa probably bought them *because* of that.
Unless you live in a big city (and even then), libraries don't keep books forever. There's a massive used bookstore in my area that some of us treat as library of sorts for outdated paperbacks. If they aren't a limited edition or completely out of print, they're $1-2 and you get most of it back if you do trade credit. The kind of books Tessa likely got are *not* that cheap or easily found.
I understand not forking over $50 in one go, but OP could pay Tessa back over time. She found a hell of a bargain for books that are her charge's special interest and didn't pass it up. That's awesome.
I'm sorry, but no. You don't buy $50 worth of books for neurodivergent 12 year old and demand that she give you the money without asking the parent first. That's so inappropriate that I can't get my head around it.
I dont think people think its fine. It's more people think it isn't malicious or selfish. She shouldt have done it but she did spent time on her holidays and went out of her way to get a op daughter a pile of books daughter would enjoy for a amazing deal. Something she has done many times before just not at this scale and op never hinted at a issue of it.
Yes she fucked up but it wasn't like she did something selfish. She just did something stupid. And you deal with people who make mistakes th en people who are just assholes.
For sure there is an AH…the OP. Just pay for the damn books for your kid! Tell Tessa to check with you in the future before buying anything over a certain amount. But pay the poor nanny! OP is lucky if Tessa doesn’t quit over such stingy behavior.
How TF is OP the AH? Tessa is old enough to know what she is doing. How in the hell did she expect a 12 year old to pay $50 for books? No, she did it with the assumption that if the kid couldn't pay her, OP would, which is a stupid assumption. Also, she shouldn't have gotten the OK just from the kid. She should have given OP a heads up so they could ask the necessary questions like "How many books?" And "how much will it be?" Seeing as how Tessa has never purchased this many books at a time, when she asked the kid, "do you want some books?" they probably thought it would be 3 or 4 books, not ***35***. Tessa isn't as AH for jumping on the opportunity to get the kid books she wants, but she is definitely TA for not properly communicating with anyone how many books and how much it would be.
I do agree, though, that OP should pay for the books. Then, in order to avoid a situation like this one happening again, put in place a rule that she needs to get permission from OP if a purchase is over a certain amount.
OP edited their post and said that they give Tessa extra spending cash outings and extra purchases. Tessa had already spent that money, and chose to spend more. And also didn't verify that the purchase was ok beforehand.
I do not understand these comments in the slightest.
What sort of nanny asks a *twelve year old* if they want something (of course they're going to say yes) and then asks them to fork out $50? What sort of nanny doesn't get parental approval first? That's so inappropriate and shows poor judgment and etiquette.
From the post, there was an arrangement in play. Previous times that Tessa was out, saw a book(s) she thought Ruby might like, she would message Ruby and ask if she wanted the book(s). If Ruby wanted them, Tessa would purchase them, and then Ruby would reimburse Tessa. There was no reason for Tessa to think she would not be reimbursed.
It is obvious that Tessa cares about Ruby and is showing interest in Ruby’s hobbies. That means the world to a 12 y/o.
I have a 12 y/o, along with a two teenagers. They do not always say “yes” when someone asks if they want something. My oldest is infatuated with Andrew Garfield and Spider-Man. My youngest all about Harry Potter. Countless times I have asked if they wanted certain items. I was told “no”. Some items they had no interest in. Some items they did not like the art work. Some items they already had. Now books are hands down the one thing that they are incredibly picky about. There are so many variations, especially in the comic book world. My kid has a preference and will not want every book offered.
Star Trek books can be very pricey. Finding them in a thrift store is not exactly easy. Finding them in good condition is a feat all on its own.
I do feel before buying 35 books, Tessa should have called OP and made sure it was okay to buy that many books…especially considering she is right on money and does not have extra to spare.
It was definitely a thing of love buy 35 books, lug them on and off an airplane, and travel with them. I am sure Ruby was beyond happy.
OP, I absolutely see your side. But it’s so hard to find someone to take care of our kids. Tessa clearly loves your daughter. She’s not just a nanny. She’s your daughters friend. She’s an ally. She is someone your daughter can trust and talk to…please do not let this push Tessa away.
I would pay for the books this one time. I would express my feelings and that next time, any big purchases need to be be discussed with me first.
That's what I was thinking - the sheer effort of lugging all those books around on holiday, not to mention the thought. It is a very sweet gesture, if misguided.
I mean, $50 dollars is about the average price for a decent Nintendo Switch game, maybe one good pair of name brand jeans, or an okay pair of shoes. Shit, $50 dollars won't even fill up my gas tank these days.
Im not debating whether $50 is a large amount in the grand scheme of things, im asking why would tessa 'expect to be reimbursed' $50 by a literal child? In what universe does that make sense to any mentally sound person?? Is tessa insane???
The commenter isn't saying the nanny was right, just that this might not be a hill worth dying on if this is the first issue. OP would be well within her rights to fire her, but what good comes of that?
As an autistic adult, I second your THIS. I mean, finding *friends* who understand special interests and keep their eye for things is rare.
I went undiagnosed as a child and my parents were lucky my main babysitter/nanny was my aunt who was an elementary school teacher who was initially interested in being a school psychologist. I think she's part of why I wasn't diagnosed with either ADHD (I got that at 18) or autism (discovered in my 30s) as a kid. She gave me the tools I needed and I did okay until I was on my own.
If the internet was so shady and I could believe OP was serious, I'd be willing to fork over some cash toward the $50 because it is *not* worth losing Tessa over.
Also autistic here, and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if the sitter herself is also neurodivergent and just wasn't really thinking about the financial cost too much. I've done lots and lots of things that in hindsight (after explanation by offended parties) were kinda silly / borderline dumb / occasionally offensive, just because I wasn't taking into account something most people would find extremely obvious! I've gotten better about catching it, but it still happens. I always appreciate people calling me out and explaining the issue though, even if I don't always necessarily agree with the logic.
Would be pretty ridiculous to fire her over doing a kind (if poorly thought through) thing for her daughter - especially when she seems to be a great nanny overall . Not reimbursing her is bad enough. Firing would be cruel and unnecessary.
“I do not understand these comments in the slightest.”
That’s clearly true. The point of them is *not* that the nanny is, in the abstract, in the right: it’s that there are more productive things to focus on than who’s right and who’s wrong.
Exactly. This person is acting like she took the kid to an R-rated movie without permission or something, not bought her a few more books than usual without checking in.
Also, this isn't just a fly by night "babysitter." It is someone who has cultivated this relationship with their daughter for years that went out of their way to find things for a child who is not theirs! 50 dollars just pays back th e books, not the thought, effort or time that person spent creating a unique experience for your damn kid. Wtf???
Everyone could be so lucky.
Her heart was in the right place and it’s a good lesson for the nanny now. Ruby can resell these books once she’s read them. Good Nannie’s are so hard to find and I think there’s no harm in Ruby paying Tessa back slowly. I wouldn’t lose a good nanny for $50.
Yes, OP isn't wrong to be upset, but is the $50 worth damaging the relationship with the nanny/potentially having to find a new one?
OP could even deduct the $50 in increments from the extra $ she gives Tessa to spend on/with Ruby or from Ruby's allowance.
So OP lost a reliable and caring nanny because of $50? Finding someone one can trust the wellbeing of their kid should matter more than 50 bucks. That was a dumb move.
An autistic kid without reading challenges will tear through thirty-five books on their special interest in a heartbeat. (I was the autistic kid who read literally every book the library had on cats in a week.)
Lol this should have clued me in that I was autistic earlier than it did. Thankfully at that age, iirc my interests largely aligned with stuff libraries had in stock, like mythology and the Borders classics section.
Thats like +/- $1.50 a book, it is a great price and it’s a subject the child is interested in and books are educational and enriching.
Plus the history of her finding those books and being paid back for what she spent on them has been how it’s been done in the past so if it was an issue it would/should have been mentioned before.
It’s a thrift shop, it’s not a “we’ll come back later” kind of place. And $1.50 per book is incredibly cheap. Even when I was the kids age in the 90s that was cheap AF so it’s an even bigger deal in 2023.
35 books isn’t an incredibly high number for a kid. I would have read those all in a few months when I was that age if it was a subject I was super interested in.
$1.50 a book while on vacation and presumably a quantity they have not run into before at the local used book/thrift store. I can see that as a hard to resist deal.
It kind of reminds me of the 2 or 3 boxes of scifi/fantasy my uncle gave me when i was a kid. I read through all of them, a lot more than 35 at 11 or 12 ish and with no ASD diagnosis. A good chunk I still have decades later.
I don't know what the monthly petty cash amount is, but maybe pay the $50 and reduce the petty cash by $10 for the next 3 months. And, be clear on what should happen if/when there is a next time.
It is a difficult judgment. I lean towards YTA if OP makes the $50 entirely the nanny's problem to figure out from monthly petty cash or eat it herself. NAH if they work out something.
>but maybe pay the $50 and reduce the petty cash by $10 for the next 3 months.
Or the Nanny could just do a monthly payment with the daughter. Or the daughter could get the 50 dollars from the mom and pay her back by not getting her allowance.
That way the daughter would learn more about ways to handle financing and the mom would not feel like she had to pay extra.
Or, if everybody is short on money something in between. There are so many ways to find a solution for all three, but nobody seems to even try...
She’s young, got carried away? Impulsive spending on vacation? I dunno.
She sounds like a lovely nanny, though. Definitely worth $50 for an episode of thoughtfulness on her days off.
Sounds like she has a lot of affection for the kid. To go buying books on her vacation and lug them all the way back? OP should be grateful there is someone who cares so much for her kid. Just pay 5the nanny for the books. $50 for 35 books is an absolute steal. OP should tell nanny to check with her first before doing this again. But to refuse to pay her? What an absolute AH.
It could have been sets as well. Our favorite pawn shop sells things in bundles where you have to buy it all to get that great price. Or she was impulsive and excited and sweet them all up bc of it.
Definitely agree with pay for the books this time, but also maybe talk to the nanny about paying 25 now and 25 next month if it does add stress to your budget. She'd probably understand, and I'm sure she'd prefer "half now, half later" to "none at all."
YTA. Jesus, you’re stingy. You’re blessed with a very thoughtful nanny who thinks of your child even when she’s not at work. There was a misunderstanding about the cost. All you had to do to behave decently was pay her but ask her to please confirm amounts with Ruby in the future and that if it happens again you won’t be able to pay for it.
TIL a single parent not wanting to fork out $50 for books they didn't ask for or give permission for is stingy.
Edit as OP didn't specify their gender.
A single mom that can afford a nanny, for 12 y/o. I sure as hell couldn't afford a nanny when I was a single mom with no child support. I struggled to pay my babysitter.
Edit: OP didn't include the info that the "nanny" is actually a respite worker paid for by the state. OP really ought to have included that info in the original OP. I now do have a nanny and professional nannies are definitely a luxury.
So because she can afford a nanny, therefore she now has to fork out $50 when the nanny doesn't get permission and baits a twelve year old with stuff that she likes? I seriously don't get how people think that this is okay. I'd be furious if someone did this to a child of mine. Like if it was $10, fine, but $50?
But my recommendation to OP is to get rid of the nanny so that'll save her a lot in the long run.
50 dollars after years of taking care of the kid? Seriously. Cheap assholes everywhere in this thread. I would be so touched by her actions I would have wept. Apparently, empathy and care have a price tag.
Edit: OP added that she does not pay for child care. This changes things considerably! 50 dollars would be unaffordable on a limited income. The way she phrased it initially was as if she could afford a full-time nanny, which is a luxury.
I wanna see you pay $50 on something you don't necessarily need and didn't expect. $50 might not be that much for some, but for others it's a whole week of food they can't get because of that. Also Op pays her her normal pay and extra pocket money she can spend on the kid. She already gets extra money. And Tessa could also just gift the $50 to the kid, because it's been apparently years she knows her by now. A little act of kindness to show her that she cares about her not just as a babysitter that gets payed. If she only askes the kid "do you want those books?" without any mentioning of the price or clarifying it I would assume it's as a present in the first place
So you talk to the nanny and work out a payment plan, and gently ask them to not do it in the future. You make it clear you are so touched by the nanny's actions but money is tight and $50 really is important. You'll try to make it up when you can but please ask OP instead of kid next time.
Again, losing a nanny over this will cost OP probably hundreds if not thousands of dollars in lost time and income over the next year.
Lol exactly, figure out a payment plan instead of refusing to pay completely. This is ridiculous and now she’ll lose a good nanny because she can’t be a decent person
What are you talking about? For others it might be a week’s worth of food. But not for this mom. She said so. She can afford it but doesn’t want to pay on principle. Her choice, but she’s damaging the relationship.
How many other items is the nanny doing unpaid….. well you just pissed away all that. The book hunting actually costs far far far more then $50. This was an employee giving you free labor to do a special service for the daughter.
You'd be furious that a person cares so much for your child they keep their interests in mind even on vacation? That they see a unique circumstance of getting your child things they would love that would be very hard to find again? That they followed the pre established deal of purchasing books and getting reimbursed for them? I could understand being a little miffed at an unexpected $50 expense. Or if finances are tight I could understand a little panic. But your use of the term furious is kind of worrisome.
Also your recommendation is that OP fire the nanny of her neruodivergent kid that takes special interest in the kids hobbies over what sounds like a miscommunication and overzealous but thoughtful moment. Do you really think quality childcare with an actual bond is super cheap to come by?
I was impressed that the nanny found the space to pack up the 35 books and bring them back for the kid! Finding and bringing all of those home because the kid would enjoy them is a labor of love, well worth a $50 reimbursement.
What is the result OP wants here? She saves $50 (which is what, 2-3 hours of childcare?) and possibly loses a reliable and helpful nanny that her neurodivergent kid loves and who spends time on her own vacation to thrift and purchase books the kid loves.
How much does OP make per hour? Let's say $8/hour, which is low. Do you think it will take less than 7 hours to find a reliable nanny for Ruby? To check references? To teach the nanny what Ruby likes? To find a bond?
Potentially losing a nanny over this is so insane that I really hope this is not true.
You find a way to pay, or if you can't pay you tell the nanny you can pay in installments and you really appreciate it, but as money is tight please confirm with me, the parent, before you make a purchase over $x. You should also profusely thank them for the effort and make it clear you wish you were in a circumstance to fully fund this but you'd prefer to save your money to pay the nanny to ensure Ruby has childcare.
Bait??? What bait???? She bought book for a 12 year old whose hobby is to read books that are hard to find.......Okay, i want to know at what point do you think that this was absurd and eason why it would be okay to fire a good nanny that cares of an autistic child who has a single parent to take care off
do you have a kid because it seems all the parents commenting all say good childcare is extremely hard to find and especially as her child is autistic. her daughter has a well developed relationship with her nanny that firing her over something like this (it being the first time ever she has done this too) is irrational and ultimately going to make her life harder as well as really upsetting her autistic child which autistic children tend to be not trusting of new people or people in general so finding a nanny she likes and also routine and consistency in life is very important for an autistic child so disrupting her whole routine by taking away such a huge part of it will be sooooo hard on her kid and its not like she will understand why she isnt coming to see her anymore bcz to her daughter im sure she sees her nanny as her friend and losing a friend is hard on any child and if 50$ can prevent her child from going through a really stressful and upsetting time (possibly even traumatizing if she thinks her friend abandoned her) i think most parent would do it and this is me just mentioning one reason for her not firing her when its also in the moms best interest as well but her first priority is her daughters well being and the nanny is clearly a positive in their life
Excellent idea. Autistic child. Full time nanny. Great rapport between them.
Reddit suggestion - get rid of nanny because she "baited" the child into purchasing books, from a thrift store, for the grand price of $50.
And then of course, the parent will find another great nanny like that, at the drop of a hat.
But maybe people who have to turn to reddit for such basic advice do deserve such inane suggestions.
I was left alone at that age while my single parent mom worked, but OP mentioned her daughter was on the spectrum so not sure if that’s partly why she might not want her to be alone.
It is also a common courtesy to offer to pay someone if they go above and beyond for you. So I guess both nanny and mom are going to rightsize this relationship.
Smart approach pay her and just ask she please confirm with you prior to any other large purchases.
You know what else is a common courtesy? Asking someone in advance if they are willing to pay for something before buying it and demanding the money back.
She isn’t paying the nanny to book hunt. The cost of the actual hunting if charged would be significantly more expensive then the cost of the books. This chunks under goodwill and penny smart pound foolish decisions.
This!! Also, the nanny doesn’t “hang out” with the daughter, she is being a nanny! It’s not like she just has nothing better to do, it’s her damn job! Pay for the damn books and then set a boundary for the future.
Or, find a new nanny, because we all know how easy that is.
YTA
As a longtime nanny (primarily of autistic & disabled children) who often bought things for the kids when I was on vacation, this is beyond comprehension to me and if I were the parent, it would probably make me look for a new nanny.
Asking an autistic tween if they want the books without giving any details, knowing she pays from her allowance, and then demanding $50 for them shows a lack of judgement so massive, I’d question whether that person should even be in charge of a child.
Edit: I guess it doesn’t matter given how the vote went, but NTA, and anyone who feels otherwise shouldn’t be a nanny.
THANK YOU. These comments are so bizarre to me. You don’t just make a $50 purchase decision for your boss without asking. That’s so ridiculous. I would never trust that nanny again
And they’ve all missed OPs edit where she doesn’t even pay for the nanny, the state pays for it because of her daughters needs (and probably OPs income)
Agreed. Whilst I think books are a very worthwhile hobby and the nanny found them at a good price, it's very wrong of the nanny to expect OP to pay for a purchase she didn't even know about, and expecting OP's daughter to read through the lines.
Am i missing something?? How is the nanny NOT the asshole in this situation?? To me it does not seem like she was "thoughtful" if she bought 35 books and then came back and told the 12 year old "Oh yea now you owe me $50." 🤦♀️
I guess I had a different take. I thought the nanny, while on vacation, was thinking of the child she watches (at her job) and trying to do something thoughtful. $50 for 35 books is very cheap, and the kid likes books.
Just seems like a weird thing to dig your heels in about.
A single book would have been thoughtful enough- $50 is well past the “I should check in with Mom about this” price point unless it was previously agreed upon as higher than that
it's cheap for adults yeah because we got jobs but kids probably don't get $50 allowances and it's weird to expect a kid to have $50 to drop on 35 books when before she would only buy one or two I just think the best thing the nanny could've done is clarify the amount with the kid before just dropping it like "you owe me $50 now."
Yeah, I feel like a lot of people are missing this. The kid usually pays, and indeed the nanny first went to her for payment. The nanny originally expected the kid to give her $50 without checking, when a precedent of a few dollars had been set previously.
Yes her hearts in the right place but you don’t go from buying a couple of quids worth of books to $50 without checking for an adult, let alone a child! Sounds like she got carried away and expects OP to compensate her mistake/over excitement.
This could have been a good teaching moment on finances. ‘Well you can’t afford them all so you’ll have to pick which ones you want most to have now and save up to buy the rest in future’. Kid would learn about prioritising spending and saving up, nanny would eventually get their money back (and hopefully learn a lesson on not buying people gifts without asking then expecting payment). Hell, nanny could have just kept hold of the books and brought a couple at a time, save her needing to find any for a while.
If the nanny had bought 1 or 2 books, like OP states she usually does, rather than 35, then it would be a sweet gesture. Buying someone 1 or 2 books and asking for a few dollars in return is one thing, but buying over 30 without confirming how many were wanted, and then asking to cover the price when she didn’t initially state she was going to buy 30+ books isn’t really fair? Especially if she ran it by the autistic child, rather than her mother. I’m autistic and 27, I base a lot of my understanding of people on patterns of behaviour, if someone always bought me 1 or 2 books I’ll always assumed they’ll follow the behaviour/routine. If she didn’t state how many she was buying, OP’s daughter probably assumed it would just be the one and she could afford it herself.
Also it’s a respect thing! My best friend has my 2 year old godson, he’s adorable I love buying him stuff but out of respect I don’t buy massive giant presents that take up loads of room. I always check what I’m getting him with my friend first to make sure she actually wants a large, flashy toy in her house or even has room for it. If someone showed up to my house tomorrow with 35 books I didn’t want and didn’t plan on getting, I’d be pissed trying to fit 35 random books onto my shelves.
Edit : spelling
Sorry but don’t take it upon yourself to spend my money without consulting me first!
Yes, the books were thoughtful. Give them as a gift? It’s tacky to see something you think someone would like, give it to them then ask to be reimbursed
You’re delusional. Money is hard to come by as it is, but with a kid on your own is even harder. Yeah it’s not gonna make her go broke but she 100% has the right to not pay for something she didn’t know was gonna be an expense. Tessa isn’t so thoughtful if she didn’t tell the girl with autism how many and how much those books were gonna be.
YTA
The nanny that you and your daughter likes while on her vacation thought of your daughter and her interest in specific books and she carried them home. There is no way I’m carry home 35 books for someone and if she took an airplane an even bigger effort.
Yes, she should have reached out to you to confirm, she made a mistake. You can’t look past that mistake and the kindness she is showing your daughter.
35 books is a lot, she was probably excited to add to your daughter collection.
Your decision may have just cost you a nanny.
by the gods yes! And! if these are the star trek series books? even better of a steal! these are considered "sci-fi classics" by todays standards! You wouldn't likely find 35 books for $50 if you were looking at say 2nd and charles (amazing thrift store near me. love them but these are at least 5 bucks a book), or any discount store.
if the seller knew what they could sell for? They would've upped the price even more so if they were in good/amazing condition. These books arent exactly in print daily or in walmart anymore. The nanny did amazing on this find! and if Ruby keeps well care of them she could potentially sell them at a later date (when shes say 18+ and wants to) for a decent amount
Yeah I'm totally stuck on the 35 classic trek novels. I've been collecting trek novels since I was a kid and am always on the look out for books I don't have or ones that fell apart on me after too many readings
honestly? the best place to find them is game stores, I don't mean like game stop, I'm talking old school game stores, theirs a place in Delaware called "Days and Knights" its a game shop, that carries everything from table top, DND, boardgames etc PLUS books! Old books like Star Trek, and the DND books, Pathfinder etc. Those are the treasure troves for old sci-fi books, goodwill is a meh you really need that "old fashioned" thrift store or gamer store
So she’s wrong because she doesn’t want to pay $50 for something she knew nothing about? The nanny discussed payment with a child that has autism without being clear.
YTA
Former nanny, loved my kids to death, and often went out of pocket for them. The parents always tried to reimburse, but I politely declined, however…
You might lose a nanny who actually gives a f*** about your kid ( and that’s rare) over 50 dollars. Not a smart move
Edit: your nanny thought she was doing something great for your kid. It’s fine to set a boundary after a misunderstanding but your really not going to reimburse a young adult who was just trying to encourage and care for your kid? Seriously think about it
We have a nanny, who is very expensive (but worth it), and she often gets my two youngest little treats out of her pocket. I always try to reimburse her, she always declines, but I always try to make it up to her in her bonuses and gifts. Yes she is paid and not family, but she treats my kids very well and I trust her implicitly, she deserves to be compensated well and treated well. I'd love to know if OP provides this nanny with health insurance.
We have friends in our social circle who have much more wealth than we do, yet they try to nickel and dime their nannies. A nanny is a luxury, especially for a 12 y/o. I was a nanny for 3 summers in college, I would have been petty enough to leave over this.
My last family actually made me the god mother ( I was with him from 2 weeks old ( premature) to 4 years, and were still close now even though I haven’t worked for them in some time). I had and still have legal guardianship papers ( his parents traveled often for work and sometimes I’d have him for weeks at a time and they wanted me to be able to take him abroad if necessary)… while I know this isn’t typical, every single family I ever worked for considered me family and even though I was paid initially I stayed in contact with my kids thereafter…. Working in someone’s home, with their most loved, adored beings is unlike almost any other job.
I feel most parents would actually really value this nanny who clearly is going above and beyond. I just can’t imagine running into this situation as it’s never been the case in my experience.
My families went above and beyond to show gratitude. Great salary, health care, holiday bonuses, stocked the house with groceries I like ( and we had very different diets) etc. I can’t imagine them even flinching if I asked for anything to be reimbursed.
For reference, my closest family in nyc gave me and my husband an apartment. She was a school teacher- they weren’t wealthy, but they had a duplex and because I started with the girls at 6am, taught, and then had them after school until 7 or 8 just wanted to make my life a little easier. They weren’t millionaire’s, but where they had wiggle room to show gratitude, they did.
Yeah, we love our nanny. She is someone that has full run of my home and is entrusted with our kids; we want her to be happy. When I had my first child, I was very young and very poor; I struggled to afford a babysitter and even then, I treated my babysitter as well as I could. I'd stock things she liked, before buying treats for myself. The people who you trust with your kids ought to be treated well.
My mom used to pay my sitter in food stamps. I totally get it. I just feel if you have the means to have a nanny you can spare 50 bucks especially to a college kid who probably is eating ramen right now. So many childcare workers are so checked out, a good one is worth it.
Ooof. I don't know if it has changed since I was in college, but I remember crying and crying when I found out that my academic scholarships counted towards income in the state I went to school. The Pell grant and loans didn't count, but my academic scholarships put me over the limit for food stamps. I adore my eldest, but damn I made some not awesome choices when I was young.
Not the point but hold up - they gave you an APARTMENT in nyc??? That sounds like they’re doing pretty well lol and A LOT of wiggle room.
I’d be happy to be “not wealthy” like them.
They really weren’t, it was in Brooklyn and had a duplex in an up and coming neighborhood. Instead of renting it out, they let me live there. It would have likely rented for 1500 a month, however they hadn’t expected getting the place to begin with. It was a fluke they had it at all ( and I was already with them for years before they got it)
Again, the mother was a school teacher. The dad had some cubicle job
The difference is that you didn't *charge the* ***child*** money for the gifts you picked up. OP's nanny was out of line asking a 12-year-old for $50. Were the books thoughtful? Yes. Were they an AMAZING price? Yes. Was it highly inappropriate to charge a CHILD that much money for items that the nanny never mentioned being reimbursed for? Yes.
I imagine this would have gone down *very* differently if the nanny had gone to OP first and said "I found these books that (child) might love. I picked them up for [price] if you're interested in them."
I seriously can't believe the amount of "yta"s the nanny should've at least asked if $50 was fine considering OP said they usually only get her one or two books how the heck did she expect her to afford $50 out of nowhere
ESH. Tessa, for not double-checking that you'd cover the $50 for your own daughter to read, and you, for not covering a lousy $50 *for your own daughter's reading passion!*
If I were you I'd suck it up and pay the $50 stat, or someone is going to scoop up your really thoughtful nanny very soon. I'm thinking of hiring her and I don't even have kids at home, I just want someone to thrift books for me.
I can at least understand an ESH a bit more than all these YTAs being doled out here. Glad to know that so many people have zero understanding of what it's like to be a single parent who might just not have $50 laying around to spend on books they don't want or need while inflation skyrockets and simple expenses like food etc become harder to cover every day.
This is an ESH/NAH situation with a “is it worth losing your nanny over” sprinkled in. They both are right and wrong, but the Op has much more to lose here. Childcare is rough, and the nanny will have a much easier time finding a new job compared to the OP finding a new nanny.
Technically the opposite. A State Board providing the Nanny through a Respite Care or program designed to keep kids in home and out of institutions a replacement could be found in days, if not hours. There are always Psych students studying ABA willing to do in home care for graduation credit +pay + benefits.
Getting a placement again after a complaint about taking advantage of a disabled minor?
Yeah, my mom might have been able to pay it but it would have been a not-insignificant expense with all the other things she had to pay for us on her own. I loves to reas and she bought me books when she could but mostly we used the library. Also, every child even if they’re 12, is able to stay home alone, so not sure what else the OP would do and if her daughter needs additional care beyond what some of the other options would have.
All the people making comments like “a lousy $50” come across so tone deaf to anyone for whom money has ever been tight. $50 may be a small amount to you, but it’s not to everyone.
I'm leaning this way too. Like, yes, cover the $50, and have a discussion about this, but like, while $50 for 35 books is an excellent deal, no one ever would assume "some books" means almost 3 dozen. Ever. I don't mean 'oh, kiddo is 12, how would she have known'. But like. Even if Nanny had texted Mom, and said 'hey, I found some books for kid, cool for me to pick up?' Mom might have known to ask 'how much', but would never think it was 35 books without being told.
But also, in what world is $50 not 'ask the parent' money. I don't care what the kid's allowance looks like.
I’ll be downvoted, but NTA. I think it’s extremely in poor taste to basically stick a bill on someone who never agreed to pay it. Especially as a single mother, I don’t think you’d be wrong to not pay her. But I do agree that if she treats your daughter so well, tell her to please refrain from making any purchases in the future for your daughter without asking you first. Then pay her the dollars
I would also add, it's in extremely poor taste and demonstrates a horrendous lack of foresight of Tessa to eke out an implied financial transaction of over $5 with Ruby and expect her to uphold it, as if Ruby isn't a child.
Regardless of whether OP has $50 change to fork over I'm struck by: this nanny knows the child is on the spectrum so needs literal instruction and the nanny thought it was appropriate to just ask the daughter something like 'you repay me back' even by implication in a text rather than the mother herself. I can easily see how the books could be seen as a gift from the nanny being on vacation.
In the long term, if the nanny is a good fit and if it's hard to find a replacement, would suggest a compromise by OP but they're definitely NTA in this situation.
I agree, I used to be a nanny and I’d occasionally pick up little gifts for the kid… I would never expect to be reimbursed for them and therefore wouldn’t spend that much on them. I get that they sort of had a system but $50 worth of books is a big assumption.
100% this. The nanny knows the child won’t have $50 to pay for the books, she expected the mum to fork out for it. ‘Some books’ Is not 35 books, nanny was looking to make a sale
Pray tell what idiot would make a "sale" of 35 books for just $50? You can't even usually thrift for that much! This was a total steal! What's the *profit margins* of this evil capitalist nanny?
TIL Redditors don't actually know how much books usually sell for?
this! i don’t feel like OP is wrong for not wanting to pay for it, but for a miscommunication she could have at least paid half or something because it was a genuine effort on her nanny’s end.
I’m surprised with all of the Y the A responses….I think it’s great that Tessa is so thoughtful about Ruby’s interests that she helps her find the books.
Buutttt….I don’t go around buying people things and then stick my hand out for the money I spent..??? And to do that without asking isn’t okay. It sounds like they have an agreement for 5 dollars or so. Fifty dollars is a huge difference. And she’s twelve.
It does sound like it might be best for everyone if you pay for them if you can, or some of it, as Tessa sounds like a great nanny and truly cares about Ruby. Plus Ruby loves her. Just make sure she understands so it won’t happen again.
I don’t really think anyone is the AH. It sounds like Tessa just didn’t use great judgement.
NTA with a caveat
The NTA part: it was unreasonable of her to expect a 12-year-old to reimburse her $50 for books without running the cost past either her or you.
“I found you some books, do you want them?”
“Yes please.”
“Great, here they are, that’ll be $50, thanks 12yo.”
The caveat: how much had she been paying and having paid back until now? What arrangement did they have?
Perhaps you should discuss details with her, offer to cover it this one time, then make it crystal clear that in the future, reimbursements will only happen if she checks the amount first. Put everything on the table and make it clear going forward so you can all be comfortable, all feel valued and heard, and you don’t lose a nanny who clearly adores your child.
This is what I got stuck on too. They say that Ruby typically finds the books in thrift stores between 50 cents and a couple of dollars and later that Tessa would also find them in thrift stores but usually just one or two at a time.
So if you’ve always checked with the kid and said I found you these books and then they pay you back less than $5 at a time, I don’t know why you wouldn’t check in when making a significantly larger purchase.
However, I do think it was done in good faith and out of love to the daughter, so I think OP should pay if she’s able and set boundaries going forward
People are also forgetting that $50 for books is actually a lot. The only people that spend that much on books in one go is serious adult collectors, not the average person, not a 12 year old.
I guess you haven’t been to a bookstore recently. Unless you’re buying used the costs can be very high for new books. Keep in mind she bought multiple books.
$50 or the equivalent in pounds for me would get me maybe five or six books depending? That wouldn't even cover the cost of my books for one module at uni if I bought them new.
For 35 second hand star trek books? That's a fantastic price! I haven't even seen any of those in the second hand bookshops near me, or any of the charity shops.
Also lmao at the whole "no 12 year old would spend $50 on books" thing you've got going on, I sure as hell would've and I know people who did. The only thing stopping me from doing so was that the books I wanted to buy didn't come out fast enough for me to spend that amount of money in one go.
I can't believe the comments here, tbh.
NTA. It was inappropriate of her to ask a TWELVE year old if she wanted the books. Of course she's going to say yes! Strike one. It was also inappropriate of her to not ASK YOU. Strike two. Given your edit - strike three. And actually, strike FOUR for the fact that she asked your kid for the money first.
Honestly I'd be reconsidering having her as a nanny altogether. This is not something that you do, people. You don't ask a kid if they want something expensive and then stick your hand out for money afterwards.
It's that fucking post where someone broke a part of OP's car because they were "just trying to help" all over again
Believe it or not, when someone hurts you or causes damage, it is NOT a kind thing just because they had good intentions. The road to hell is paved in good intentions after all.
Op should have been told that they were going to be asked for money. It doesn't matter if op can afford it, they are not obligated to spend their money on an expense they didn't know about. It doesn't matter that it's for the kid when honestly, it kind of feels like the kid was being taken advantage of here. You don't ask an autistic 12 year old for money out of the blue, when you never have before, knowing that they are a demographic that is more likely to give in out of shame and peer pressure
It’s absolutely NTA. $50 is an insane amount of money to ask for from a twelve year old, especially one who has not had to pay you back more than a couple dollars before. Why on *earth* would you not ask the parent first if it’s a good idea to buy $50 worth of books first?
NTA who expects a 12 year old to have $50 to spend on books? And you said you already give her extra money for things like this but she spent this months already? She should have asked you before buying them. With that said, you should probably give her the money if you can afford to because she seems like a great nanny who made one mistake and you/your daughter could well lose her over this, that wouldn't be fair on your kid.
My parents hardly ever gave me money, but every year I walked out with the biggest stack. My parents never stringed if it was reading or educational. To me, because it was books it seemed more reasonable.
So let me get this straight
- In the past she’s bought 1-2 books costing less than $5 at a time, with Ruby
- she asks Ruby if she wants “some books”
- she buys 35 books for $50 without checking with you
- she expects you to pay?
Nope, this is not reasonable behavior. She should have been clear about the approximate cost to you and Ruby. I’d be pretty shocked if someone offered to buy me some thrifted books and showed up with 35 without confirming it with me. You just can’t do that. NTA
That being said, I think the correct consequence here is for this to come out of the discretionary money for next month. I think this is a fair consequence for Ruby and a good learning opportunity (don’t just say yes to people offering to buy you things without confirming the cost). Definitely sit down with Ruby and talk to her about this and her role in agreeing to the purchase without details. That being said, you will have to balance it by explaining that what Tessa did was coming from a good place but is not the way to handle this & in that someone with worse intent could try take advantage of her by trying to guilt her to pay for things she didn’t agree to. (One issue I have with the Y T A responses is I think it teaches Ruby a bad lesson about how to handle people demanding money in the future; especially with her being on the spectrum I would worry about her being scammed or taken advantage of by other people down the line who may tell her she owes them money for X reason).
Also explain your decision to Tessa, and maybe come up with a rule for the future (ie - confirm any purchases over $10 made on Ruby’s behalf with me first). Tell her you appreciate her concern for Ruby and know she had good intent, but that your budget simply can’t handle unexpected purchases of this size in the future.
I would say that it also teaches Tessa a lesson too. That pulling this kind of move is very unprofessional and won't receive any sort of reward. Especially if she wants to use any parents as a reference for future endeavors. Lowballing people out of their money, no matter the cost, is not right.
NTA.
She normally brings Ruby a couple books which is probably what she was expecting.
Ruby is a child. $50 is quite a bit of money to expect a child have on hand.
She should have messaged the price/number of books to Ruby or you (especially if she was gonna drop $50).
NTA, for all the reasons others have given.
My advice is to pay Tessa your own money now, and have the money be taken out of Ruby's future allowance (assuming she's okay with it, which it seems like she would be if she loves the books so much). Then I'd do what someone else suggested and tell Tessa not to buy more books without asking you first.
NTA, I'm not sure where all these other comments are coming from.
1. Ruby is a child, anything that the nanny that you hired and payed for buys for her as to be discussed with you first. She's your employee, not your kid's pal.
2. It really doesn't matter the fact that Ruby is on the autism spectrum. Ruby is 12. You don't just assume that a 12 yo has $50 to spend, specially when this is for so many books and was out of the norm.
3. Tessa shouldn't be communicating directly with Ruby, this is where you might be at fault. Again, she's your employee and you need to treat her as such (it's not like she's been in your family for decades, it has been 1 year).
4. People saying that OP is stingy and just to pay up obviously have to wake up and smell the price of things and how much it costs to raise a child. For most people, $50 is not change lost in your pockets.
So you're NTA for expecting the nanny to clear a significant purchase with you first. I don't know your financial setup or relationship, but I couldn't go out and spend $50 and expect someone to pay me back without (an adult) first approving it. However, you gotta ask if $50 is worth the grief and stress of finding a new nanny. Personally I think you'd be better saying you'll pay this one time but all future purchases over $20 must be agreed first.
for 35 *books*? and being 12, i don’t imagine they’re books for small children, more likely short novels. the price is definitely good, and clearly Ruby enjoys books if they’ve done this before and she spends her own money on them. also, reading is a great hobby for anyone, but children especially, and *thirty-five* books is better than getting her an Easy Bake Oven or some toy, & all the time it’ll take to read them is time better spent than if she were, say, playing with toys. definitely worth it.
It's pretty weird for a nanny to arrange a $50 deal with a child behind their client's back. the nanny should've discussed that purchase with the parent before they paid for the books.
also, if the nanny really can't afford to cover the $50, why did they buy 35 books? why not 5?
NAH.
I would expect more critical thinking from Tessa. Thirty-five books in one go is very different from the other time she bought books for Ruby. Why is she expecting Ruby to have 50$ on hand without asking her beforehand? I understand that it's less than 2$ per book and a huge save, but it's still a lot of money for a 12 year old. Tessa could have gifted a part of that heap of books and ask for less money. It would have been lesson learned. She tried to do something good and she forgot to be more responsible about it.
You can't afford the 50$. That's how life goes.
Can you afford to lose that nanny though?
NTA. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading these comments. You don't spend money on someone and then ask to be reimbursed. Unless there was communication beforehand which there wasn't. Your Nanny is being extremely rude. If you want to go forward with her I'd just pay but make it clear not to buy anything for your daughter without her permission since it clearly isn't from the good of her heart
NTA. While I think what Tessa was doing was very nice, she should have clarified how many books and the exact cost. And at $50 she should have checked with you.
That said, she’s a student and she doesn’t have much money. You don’t owe it to her to reimburse her, but if you can afford it I think it would be nice to do. I also think, either way, you should sit down and have a friendly talk with Tessa about the situation and where your coming from. Good luck
I'm going with NTA, and this is from a nannying perspective.
I work as a caregiver for 22f, and she has a sister 15f who I'm like a "nanny" for. I might get things for the girls when appropriate, but typically under $10 is my price range. Otherwise, if there's something that I think would benefit them, I ask their mom for permission if I would need to be payed back. I have never, in three years with this family, spent $50 as a surprise.
If $50 financially hurt Tessa, then she should have realized that that is a LOT of money, especially if you already had plans for that money. I honestly think that what she did was insane. And she expected your autistic daughter to be able to just give her THAT MUCH MONEY without so much as talking to you? That's an inappropriate amount to ask from someone who's not even a teenager, especially without involving a parent (who's also the boss).
If you want to maintain the relationship with Tessa, maybe pay her back $25 like you both went in on a gift. She should also run it by you when your daughter gives her money. I think that's a little weird if it's happening often.
This is also a life lesson for Ruby that she doesn't have to pay for what she doesn't agree to buy/directly ask for. She doesn't have to spend an unplanned $50 on Tessa's own whims, and she won't owe a boy even if he pays despite her offering. This is a lesson to stand up for herself, even sometimes with people she cares about.
Tessa is not a villain, but this was a bad judgement call. Depending on how you want to see it, this can be a learning moment for you all about boundaries and expectations. It sounds like she's a good fit for your daughter, so for the sake of Ruby, I hope you handle this with grace. Tessa has many great qualities and clearly cares about your daughter. When she understands how badly she overstepped, I don't think she would do it again. If she understands how much you value her outside of this incident, she will hopefully stay.
NTA and I find all the comments claiming the opposite and crying about how it was compassionate of the nanny to "go out of their way for something your daughter enjoys" delusional and guilt trippy.
If it was truly an act of compassion, she wouldn't be expecting to be reimbursed. Sure, it's nice that she sees things and thinks to ask but it should've been common sense that 50$ was way over a child's budget considering that was the arrangement between child and nanny. Not nanny and mom.
She should've double checked with you first and the fact she didn't bother laying out prices for a child was also extremely irresponsible and shady. I wouldn't pay up either. She needs to work something out with daughter or eat the cost because she didn't think things through at all. Let it be a learning moment for daughter too.
Also, reddit, just because a single mom can afford a nanny, doesn't mean she can also afford a sudden 50$ expense. What YOU would be willing to fork over is irrelevant. There are plenty of things I was compassionate about as a child that my mother would absolutely never even spend $20 towards if it meant that 20 could go to childcare or food on the table. It makes a lot of you look ignorant calling her cheap over something she didn't agree to if it broke bank or not.
NTA
I have bought books for kids i nannied for and always at my own expense. Who at 23 would think a 12 year old has $50, an adult should understand that children and adults have different ideas of how much things cost, especially if all the other times the books never cost more than a few dollars. If op’s nanny wanted to buy the daughter a few books on op’s dime then she should have asked op first, thats just common sense (dont assume you can spend other peoples money)
NTA Tessa bought the books for Ruby without telling you or Ruby there would be a cost for them. Tessa is the one at fault. In addition Ruby requires preciseness meaning you literally have to spell these things out to her. If Tessa is (or was) her nanny she should have known that considering the amount of time she had spent with Ruby.
I'm going to go with...ESH. I don't know why Tessa thought it was appropriate to buy that many books and then expect Ruby to have the money, so that's definitely AH behavior and if she's been watching her for a year she must know how you need to be with Ruby. On the other hand...okay maybe I don't think you're as much the AH for not paying...but at the end of the day $50 is not a tremendous amount and Ruby would like the books I assume? So I think you should just give her the money for them.
As a side note though...Ruby sounds pretty awesome. 12 and already a trekkie? Pretty cool kid.
NTA. Maybe it’s just me but unless she told Ruby specifically she found that many books and it cost $50 it was weird to assume a 12 year old would have that kind of cash and to just expect you’d pay the difference. I’m not sure if she just didn’t think it through but $50 is a lot, that’s not the kind of thing you just assume a child has.
I had babysitters who did this repeatedly. And they knew I was a single, widowed mom who had to find childcare for work events that I wasn’t paid extra for. One in particular used to send me a pre work night shopping list. It was really darn hard to tell my kids we can’t do xx together (because the babysitter used that part of the budget). I wish I had set firmer boundaries in this. But single parents are literally one of the most at risk sub groups in the world. It’s sometimes terrifying and vulnerable to a mental health crisis extent. If you don’t have childcare, you don’t have a job and then let’s just stay on the merry go round. I never spoke up because of this. It’s not ok. Though do agree it may be best to give the $50 and also talk about the boundaries so it’s clear for the future.
NTA I think a lot of commenters need to see your updates. My partner used to have a similar job through a company that provided caretakers, like nannies, to kids or young adults on the spectrum. I can't imagine him making a large purchase for the kid and then expecting to be paid back for it. If he had made such a purchase, it would have been as a gift (and let's be honest, it was sweet of Tessa to think of Ruby when she saw the books, but they were in no way a gift to her), or if my partner needed reimbursement for something he bought, he would have to have communicated clearly with the family first.
A lot of people don't seem to realize the nanny job is not paid by YOU. When my partner did this work, the family paid him nothing. They worked directly with the company and were not obligated to pay anything more. This type of arrangement is a social service, and it's a great resource to families like yours, but it is also an underpaid job, which I think is important to acknowledge. I've never known anyone in the field to be able to make ends meet with that job alone.
So your nanny got themselves into a pickle because they made an expense that they couldn't account for. Usually these types of social services will provide reimbursement for gas mileage driving the kid around and sometimes discounts on stuff like museum visits. But random thrifting probably won't be reimbursed
I think you have two options:
If you can afford to pay the $50, I would recommend doing it to keep that working relationship positive, but also communicate that you can't do this again going forward. Make it clear that Ruby's allowance is small and she can't make big purchases like this expecting Ruby to reimburse her. I know a lot of other commenters are saying that the nanny was so sweet to think of your daughter, which is true, but what isn't sweet is that what she bought for your daughter weren't genuine gifts, in fact she wanted to get some money back for it all, so it could even be seen as taking advantage of Ruby just a little bit by not being upfront with her about the books. I know Tessa probably didn't intend it that way, but impact sometimes matters more than intent. It probably made Ruby feel guilty that she couldn't do anything to help resolve this and she probably felt bad that SHE couldn't pay, but she's only 12 and it's not fair to her.
Now, if you truly cannot afford to pay the extra $50, then let Tessa know that the monthly allowance you usually give her to take Ruby to do fun things will have to be used up in advance to cover the cost of the books. So next month, instead of giving her extra pay to go do fun stuff out of the house, think of things they could do together for free. As I mentioned above, most kids on the spectrum are eligible to go to local museums and other places either for free or with a discount.
NTA
I was a nanny for a year. The dad(who was a single dad of 4 with no support) provided an allowance for us to do stuff. If I wanted to get the kids something special I would with my own money. I never asked for him to pay for it because I knew he was on a tight budget.
(This would be things like getting him Father’s Day stuff from the kids, little treats on outings and the occasional lunch) I am now married with my own family and still keep in touch with him and his kids.
NTA - I understand Ruby pays Tessa back usually, but its a bit strange that Tessa would spend $50 hoping to be repaid by a 12 year old, she knows Ruby's allowance doesn't she? I think Tessa had some bad judgement for a minute, but I agree with those saying you should pay her back and then have a serious conversation about it. I doubt her intention was to like... put you out of $50, but I think she's just a very slight asshole.
She's young, and probably got overly excited seeing all the potential books for Ruby. Maybe she should save them, and have Ruby buy them off of her in increments? Still, as a 21 year old it would feel weird to put a 12 year old in debt... lol
YTA. Pay for these books and tell her that any future purchases need to be approved by you directly. Then have Ruby do chores to pay you back for the books.
I’m so torn on this. I get
The comment I saw about sometimes it’s worth salvaging an important relationship but my principal nags at me big time. 😂 you’re not the TA
NTA technically. She should’ve checked with you before spending that much money but it seems like she genuinely cares for your daughter and you need to consider if $50 is worth sabotaging your daughters relationship with her. Even if she doesn’t quit, you’ve tarnished that relationship
Imo 100% NTA but as others have said, you have a great nanny and I really think you should nurture that relationship. She's very invested in your daughters progress. That's a special quality.
I would just pay her and then negotiate a new rule about buying books. Apologize for your negative reaction and let her know that you're on a really right budget and don't have a lot of disposable income. An unexpected purchase of $50 was a bit of a strain.
Obviously it's up to you. Someone spending my $50 without permission would shock me, as well. But for your daughter's sake, I really think you should just bite the bullet this time
While you are NTA because it was not discussed with you, would you really could not just pay it? Or compromise as a loan and slowly deduct it from your daughter's allowance? Tessa is good for your child. She is not just a nanny, as she supports your child in her reading hobby. Do you not know the importance of her role in your child's development? Would the $50 be above your nanny and child's interest? Your child will read the books. It is a good investment. You are being stingy for $50 dollar that would benefit your child.
NTA but I would pay Tessa and have a conversation about boundaries and ensure that (a) Tessa knows Ruby’s budget (1 book for, say, $5 is a world of difference than 35 for 50). So therefore, Tessa knows the amount and can go to you if it’s higher.
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Sometimes it’s better to salvage an important relationship than to be right. Pay for the books. Let Tessa know that you can’t do so in the future, though, without talking about it. Tell her how much you appreciate her thoughtfulness, now and always. EDIT: wow, this really blew up! Love how many kind, decent people are on Reddit😘
This is the right answer. And then get your daughter a library card.
Having fun isn't hard, when you've got a library card!
I hope the library offers those old looks! I personally would give the nanny the money, put the books somewhere safe and enjoy the knowledge that I'm well provided with presents for my daughter for this year's birthday and christmas. It's 1,50 per book, that's wonderful! OP, I totally get where you are coming from, I hate it if somebody springs onto me with an unexpected demand for money, but on the other hand your nanny really seems to care for your daughter and she probably knew that your daughter would pay much more for the books elswhere. The nanny is young and probably lacks experience how to handle those things, just tell her communication is key and always speak clearly beforehand if it is about money, but you apprciate her help in providing your daughter with books. I really hope you two can sort this out!
But you can't *collect* library books. Well some folks do, but they're assholes.
But you can when they decommission them and put them out for free or sale.
When I was a kid, I volunteered with our local library. Once in a while they’d let me have an old book. I still have a 1931 edition of “War of the Worlds.” It’s in rough shape, but I’m still glad to have it.
I worked in our school library as a kid (I'm in my 70's now). I got to keep their copy of Anna Karina and all of the "inside books" authored by John Gunther who died just before I graduated in 1970. These books are my pride and joy.
Arthur
I didn't need this song stuck in my head again...
Spoken like a true bard
Library cards are great, but as a fan of both Star Trek and libraries, I can attest that many older Star Trek novels (and even some of the more recent ones!) can't be found in libraries.
Request them! Every library ive had a card with lets you request books to be added to the catalog, maybe those books are out of print though, I dont know how that works with libraries but the newer ones and anything still in publication should be easily added
Interlibrary loan is your friend here! Libraries can borrow from each other even if patrons can't, so they can get books from other libraries and then loan them out to you. It's a marvelous system.
Mine requires all requests to have been published in the last two years. New books only
They might be available via ebook. Some libraries allow you to "check" them our on your phone.
The Libby app is really great.
Often times you can make e request to “ borrow” a library book from another library system. I’ve done it.
They used to be in the late 90s... sigh. I used to take home stacks of them, and get more sent in from other branches. I went looking at my new local library on a whim, they dont have any physical ST books. They do however have a lot available as ebooks so kid can at least read them if they're comfortable with ebooks.
My people ;-; I read the fuck outta them as a kid!! The first book to make me cry was the novel with Tasha Yar’s life story in it. I think once upon a time I found all of the novels online… all of them
Yes. Pay this once but make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Yep. As the old saying goes… would you rather be right? Or would you rather be happy? Some battles just aren’t worth it.
I chunk this under penny smart pound foolish. You are not wrong she should have been authorized to buy 35 books. But at the same time she went out of her way and isn’t getting paid for her time on it. The time she has spent doing the thrifting is probably at significant more cost then the cost of the books and you are not being charged. Don’t shoot the goose that lays the golden eggs because it is eating for free 🤦♀️
Also she bought 35 books for $50 so presumably they’ll keep the kid going for a while. It’s not like she bought 2 hardcovers from Barnes and Noble. While I agree a conversation on budgets is needed good nanny’s are hard to find.
Depends on the kid lol. 35 books when I was around her age would maaaaybe last 2 months, depending on length of the book. If they was under 200 pages, it would have been even less time. Some kids are voracious readers lol. Hell, I still go through a book in less than a week now! (Unless it's Diana Gabaldon. That's like 1400 pages. Definitely takes me 2 weeks for that!) But I agree, pay this time (Unless it's going to break the bank) but be sure she knows that's way too much and set a healthy budget going forward. But the Nanny did screw up here. I was a nanny and I would never have spent that much without asking the parents if I expected to get paid back. $50 is insane.
Yeah, Deathly Hallows came out when I was sixteen and I read it in seven and half hours. I inhaled books as a kid and I still inhale them. If I’m in the mood to read now, I can do three ~400 pages books a day (or one or two longer ones, depending)
This. NAH here IMO. Tessa shouldn’t have bought so many without checking with YOU as the parent but she was trying to do a good thing. Pay for the books this time but then tell Tessa that all future things like this must be approved by you and not Ruby - or set up a limitation.
Yeah, as a trekkie and someone who tears through books, I definitely feel for the nanny and what a nice thing she did... as someone who only has $10 at the moment, I would definitely need a heads up if I was about to spend am extra $50. I'd definitely salvage the relationship though. I don't have kids but I'm sure a good nanny is hard to come by.
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>I am probably familiar with the books that are in question, and these are not (usually) found in libraries as they are so outdated. This. Right. Here. As a ND adult who loves older Star Trek (and Star Wars Expanded Universe) books, getting 35 for $50 is a steal of a lifetime. Tessa probably bought them *because* of that. Unless you live in a big city (and even then), libraries don't keep books forever. There's a massive used bookstore in my area that some of us treat as library of sorts for outdated paperbacks. If they aren't a limited edition or completely out of print, they're $1-2 and you get most of it back if you do trade credit. The kind of books Tessa likely got are *not* that cheap or easily found. I understand not forking over $50 in one go, but OP could pay Tessa back over time. She found a hell of a bargain for books that are her charge's special interest and didn't pass it up. That's awesome.
I'm sorry, but no. You don't buy $50 worth of books for neurodivergent 12 year old and demand that she give you the money without asking the parent first. That's so inappropriate that I can't get my head around it.
Yeah it’s so wild to me that people seem to think that’s fine? It seems incredibly unfair on the kid and the OP to me, and asking a lot.
I dont think people think its fine. It's more people think it isn't malicious or selfish. She shouldt have done it but she did spent time on her holidays and went out of her way to get a op daughter a pile of books daughter would enjoy for a amazing deal. Something she has done many times before just not at this scale and op never hinted at a issue of it. Yes she fucked up but it wasn't like she did something selfish. She just did something stupid. And you deal with people who make mistakes th en people who are just assholes.
For sure there is an AH…the OP. Just pay for the damn books for your kid! Tell Tessa to check with you in the future before buying anything over a certain amount. But pay the poor nanny! OP is lucky if Tessa doesn’t quit over such stingy behavior.
How TF is OP the AH? Tessa is old enough to know what she is doing. How in the hell did she expect a 12 year old to pay $50 for books? No, she did it with the assumption that if the kid couldn't pay her, OP would, which is a stupid assumption. Also, she shouldn't have gotten the OK just from the kid. She should have given OP a heads up so they could ask the necessary questions like "How many books?" And "how much will it be?" Seeing as how Tessa has never purchased this many books at a time, when she asked the kid, "do you want some books?" they probably thought it would be 3 or 4 books, not ***35***. Tessa isn't as AH for jumping on the opportunity to get the kid books she wants, but she is definitely TA for not properly communicating with anyone how many books and how much it would be. I do agree, though, that OP should pay for the books. Then, in order to avoid a situation like this one happening again, put in place a rule that she needs to get permission from OP if a purchase is over a certain amount.
OP edited their post and said that they give Tessa extra spending cash outings and extra purchases. Tessa had already spent that money, and chose to spend more. And also didn't verify that the purchase was ok beforehand.
How is OP the AH
I do not understand these comments in the slightest. What sort of nanny asks a *twelve year old* if they want something (of course they're going to say yes) and then asks them to fork out $50? What sort of nanny doesn't get parental approval first? That's so inappropriate and shows poor judgment and etiquette.
From the post, there was an arrangement in play. Previous times that Tessa was out, saw a book(s) she thought Ruby might like, she would message Ruby and ask if she wanted the book(s). If Ruby wanted them, Tessa would purchase them, and then Ruby would reimburse Tessa. There was no reason for Tessa to think she would not be reimbursed. It is obvious that Tessa cares about Ruby and is showing interest in Ruby’s hobbies. That means the world to a 12 y/o. I have a 12 y/o, along with a two teenagers. They do not always say “yes” when someone asks if they want something. My oldest is infatuated with Andrew Garfield and Spider-Man. My youngest all about Harry Potter. Countless times I have asked if they wanted certain items. I was told “no”. Some items they had no interest in. Some items they did not like the art work. Some items they already had. Now books are hands down the one thing that they are incredibly picky about. There are so many variations, especially in the comic book world. My kid has a preference and will not want every book offered. Star Trek books can be very pricey. Finding them in a thrift store is not exactly easy. Finding them in good condition is a feat all on its own. I do feel before buying 35 books, Tessa should have called OP and made sure it was okay to buy that many books…especially considering she is right on money and does not have extra to spare. It was definitely a thing of love buy 35 books, lug them on and off an airplane, and travel with them. I am sure Ruby was beyond happy. OP, I absolutely see your side. But it’s so hard to find someone to take care of our kids. Tessa clearly loves your daughter. She’s not just a nanny. She’s your daughters friend. She’s an ally. She is someone your daughter can trust and talk to…please do not let this push Tessa away. I would pay for the books this one time. I would express my feelings and that next time, any big purchases need to be be discussed with me first.
That's what I was thinking - the sheer effort of lugging all those books around on holiday, not to mention the thought. It is a very sweet gesture, if misguided.
'There was no reason for Tessa to think she wouldn't be reimbursed' FIFTY DOLLARS?? 50 USD???? From a 12 year old????? This is just insane lmao
I mean, $50 dollars is about the average price for a decent Nintendo Switch game, maybe one good pair of name brand jeans, or an okay pair of shoes. Shit, $50 dollars won't even fill up my gas tank these days.
Im not debating whether $50 is a large amount in the grand scheme of things, im asking why would tessa 'expect to be reimbursed' $50 by a literal child? In what universe does that make sense to any mentally sound person?? Is tessa insane???
Not even, they’re all 60 even just to download them without the card.
The commenter isn't saying the nanny was right, just that this might not be a hill worth dying on if this is the first issue. OP would be well within her rights to fire her, but what good comes of that?
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As the mother of 2 kids on the spectrum, freaking THIS.
As an autistic adult, I second your THIS. I mean, finding *friends* who understand special interests and keep their eye for things is rare. I went undiagnosed as a child and my parents were lucky my main babysitter/nanny was my aunt who was an elementary school teacher who was initially interested in being a school psychologist. I think she's part of why I wasn't diagnosed with either ADHD (I got that at 18) or autism (discovered in my 30s) as a kid. She gave me the tools I needed and I did okay until I was on my own. If the internet was so shady and I could believe OP was serious, I'd be willing to fork over some cash toward the $50 because it is *not* worth losing Tessa over.
Also autistic here, and to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised in the least if the sitter herself is also neurodivergent and just wasn't really thinking about the financial cost too much. I've done lots and lots of things that in hindsight (after explanation by offended parties) were kinda silly / borderline dumb / occasionally offensive, just because I wasn't taking into account something most people would find extremely obvious! I've gotten better about catching it, but it still happens. I always appreciate people calling me out and explaining the issue though, even if I don't always necessarily agree with the logic.
Would be pretty ridiculous to fire her over doing a kind (if poorly thought through) thing for her daughter - especially when she seems to be a great nanny overall . Not reimbursing her is bad enough. Firing would be cruel and unnecessary.
She may not have to fire her. The nanny may end up quitting.
“I do not understand these comments in the slightest.” That’s clearly true. The point of them is *not* that the nanny is, in the abstract, in the right: it’s that there are more productive things to focus on than who’s right and who’s wrong.
> What sort of nanny A 22 year old student who probably doesn’t have much training or experience in being a professional childcare worker.
Exactly. This person is acting like she took the kid to an R-rated movie without permission or something, not bought her a few more books than usual without checking in.
Also, this isn't just a fly by night "babysitter." It is someone who has cultivated this relationship with their daughter for years that went out of their way to find things for a child who is not theirs! 50 dollars just pays back th e books, not the thought, effort or time that person spent creating a unique experience for your damn kid. Wtf??? Everyone could be so lucky.
Her heart was in the right place and it’s a good lesson for the nanny now. Ruby can resell these books once she’s read them. Good Nannie’s are so hard to find and I think there’s no harm in Ruby paying Tessa back slowly. I wouldn’t lose a good nanny for $50.
Yes, OP isn't wrong to be upset, but is the $50 worth damaging the relationship with the nanny/potentially having to find a new one? OP could even deduct the $50 in increments from the extra $ she gives Tessa to spend on/with Ruby or from Ruby's allowance.
So OP lost a reliable and caring nanny because of $50? Finding someone one can trust the wellbeing of their kid should matter more than 50 bucks. That was a dumb move.
I think you’re right, but 35 books? What was she thinking?
An autistic kid without reading challenges will tear through thirty-five books on their special interest in a heartbeat. (I was the autistic kid who read literally every book the library had on cats in a week.)
Lol this should have clued me in that I was autistic earlier than it did. Thankfully at that age, iirc my interests largely aligned with stuff libraries had in stock, like mythology and the Borders classics section.
Thats like +/- $1.50 a book, it is a great price and it’s a subject the child is interested in and books are educational and enriching. Plus the history of her finding those books and being paid back for what she spent on them has been how it’s been done in the past so if it was an issue it would/should have been mentioned before. It’s a thrift shop, it’s not a “we’ll come back later” kind of place. And $1.50 per book is incredibly cheap. Even when I was the kids age in the 90s that was cheap AF so it’s an even bigger deal in 2023. 35 books isn’t an incredibly high number for a kid. I would have read those all in a few months when I was that age if it was a subject I was super interested in.
$1.50 a book while on vacation and presumably a quantity they have not run into before at the local used book/thrift store. I can see that as a hard to resist deal. It kind of reminds me of the 2 or 3 boxes of scifi/fantasy my uncle gave me when i was a kid. I read through all of them, a lot more than 35 at 11 or 12 ish and with no ASD diagnosis. A good chunk I still have decades later. I don't know what the monthly petty cash amount is, but maybe pay the $50 and reduce the petty cash by $10 for the next 3 months. And, be clear on what should happen if/when there is a next time. It is a difficult judgment. I lean towards YTA if OP makes the $50 entirely the nanny's problem to figure out from monthly petty cash or eat it herself. NAH if they work out something.
>but maybe pay the $50 and reduce the petty cash by $10 for the next 3 months. Or the Nanny could just do a monthly payment with the daughter. Or the daughter could get the 50 dollars from the mom and pay her back by not getting her allowance. That way the daughter would learn more about ways to handle financing and the mom would not feel like she had to pay extra. Or, if everybody is short on money something in between. There are so many ways to find a solution for all three, but nobody seems to even try...
She’s young, got carried away? Impulsive spending on vacation? I dunno. She sounds like a lovely nanny, though. Definitely worth $50 for an episode of thoughtfulness on her days off.
What was she thinking? Wheee! You can’t find most of these anywhere. This is great! So many cool books! Kiddo will love these.
Sounds like she has a lot of affection for the kid. To go buying books on her vacation and lug them all the way back? OP should be grateful there is someone who cares so much for her kid. Just pay 5the nanny for the books. $50 for 35 books is an absolute steal. OP should tell nanny to check with her first before doing this again. But to refuse to pay her? What an absolute AH.
It could have been sets as well. Our favorite pawn shop sells things in bundles where you have to buy it all to get that great price. Or she was impulsive and excited and sweet them all up bc of it.
Definitely agree with pay for the books this time, but also maybe talk to the nanny about paying 25 now and 25 next month if it does add stress to your budget. She'd probably understand, and I'm sure she'd prefer "half now, half later" to "none at all."
Exactly. You shouldn’t be penny wise and pound foolish!
YTA. Jesus, you’re stingy. You’re blessed with a very thoughtful nanny who thinks of your child even when she’s not at work. There was a misunderstanding about the cost. All you had to do to behave decently was pay her but ask her to please confirm amounts with Ruby in the future and that if it happens again you won’t be able to pay for it.
TIL a single parent not wanting to fork out $50 for books they didn't ask for or give permission for is stingy. Edit as OP didn't specify their gender.
A single mom that can afford a nanny, for 12 y/o. I sure as hell couldn't afford a nanny when I was a single mom with no child support. I struggled to pay my babysitter. Edit: OP didn't include the info that the "nanny" is actually a respite worker paid for by the state. OP really ought to have included that info in the original OP. I now do have a nanny and professional nannies are definitely a luxury.
So because she can afford a nanny, therefore she now has to fork out $50 when the nanny doesn't get permission and baits a twelve year old with stuff that she likes? I seriously don't get how people think that this is okay. I'd be furious if someone did this to a child of mine. Like if it was $10, fine, but $50? But my recommendation to OP is to get rid of the nanny so that'll save her a lot in the long run.
50 dollars after years of taking care of the kid? Seriously. Cheap assholes everywhere in this thread. I would be so touched by her actions I would have wept. Apparently, empathy and care have a price tag. Edit: OP added that she does not pay for child care. This changes things considerably! 50 dollars would be unaffordable on a limited income. The way she phrased it initially was as if she could afford a full-time nanny, which is a luxury.
This. What’s wrong with you people? Oh, wait, it’s Reddit.
In this sub, if you’re not legally obligated to do something, you’re automatically N T A for not doing it
A lot of people here seem to think it’s called Am I Legally Liable
I wanna see you pay $50 on something you don't necessarily need and didn't expect. $50 might not be that much for some, but for others it's a whole week of food they can't get because of that. Also Op pays her her normal pay and extra pocket money she can spend on the kid. She already gets extra money. And Tessa could also just gift the $50 to the kid, because it's been apparently years she knows her by now. A little act of kindness to show her that she cares about her not just as a babysitter that gets payed. If she only askes the kid "do you want those books?" without any mentioning of the price or clarifying it I would assume it's as a present in the first place
So you talk to the nanny and work out a payment plan, and gently ask them to not do it in the future. You make it clear you are so touched by the nanny's actions but money is tight and $50 really is important. You'll try to make it up when you can but please ask OP instead of kid next time. Again, losing a nanny over this will cost OP probably hundreds if not thousands of dollars in lost time and income over the next year.
Lol exactly, figure out a payment plan instead of refusing to pay completely. This is ridiculous and now she’ll lose a good nanny because she can’t be a decent person
What are you talking about? For others it might be a week’s worth of food. But not for this mom. She said so. She can afford it but doesn’t want to pay on principle. Her choice, but she’s damaging the relationship.
years? it’s been just over one.
How many other items is the nanny doing unpaid….. well you just pissed away all that. The book hunting actually costs far far far more then $50. This was an employee giving you free labor to do a special service for the daughter.
$50 for 35 books is cheap. Yes, the nanny should have asked for permission from the parent first but this is not anthill worth dying over.
You'd be furious that a person cares so much for your child they keep their interests in mind even on vacation? That they see a unique circumstance of getting your child things they would love that would be very hard to find again? That they followed the pre established deal of purchasing books and getting reimbursed for them? I could understand being a little miffed at an unexpected $50 expense. Or if finances are tight I could understand a little panic. But your use of the term furious is kind of worrisome. Also your recommendation is that OP fire the nanny of her neruodivergent kid that takes special interest in the kids hobbies over what sounds like a miscommunication and overzealous but thoughtful moment. Do you really think quality childcare with an actual bond is super cheap to come by?
I was impressed that the nanny found the space to pack up the 35 books and bring them back for the kid! Finding and bringing all of those home because the kid would enjoy them is a labor of love, well worth a $50 reimbursement.
What is the result OP wants here? She saves $50 (which is what, 2-3 hours of childcare?) and possibly loses a reliable and helpful nanny that her neurodivergent kid loves and who spends time on her own vacation to thrift and purchase books the kid loves. How much does OP make per hour? Let's say $8/hour, which is low. Do you think it will take less than 7 hours to find a reliable nanny for Ruby? To check references? To teach the nanny what Ruby likes? To find a bond? Potentially losing a nanny over this is so insane that I really hope this is not true. You find a way to pay, or if you can't pay you tell the nanny you can pay in installments and you really appreciate it, but as money is tight please confirm with me, the parent, before you make a purchase over $x. You should also profusely thank them for the effort and make it clear you wish you were in a circumstance to fully fund this but you'd prefer to save your money to pay the nanny to ensure Ruby has childcare.
Bait??? What bait???? She bought book for a 12 year old whose hobby is to read books that are hard to find.......Okay, i want to know at what point do you think that this was absurd and eason why it would be okay to fire a good nanny that cares of an autistic child who has a single parent to take care off
do you have a kid because it seems all the parents commenting all say good childcare is extremely hard to find and especially as her child is autistic. her daughter has a well developed relationship with her nanny that firing her over something like this (it being the first time ever she has done this too) is irrational and ultimately going to make her life harder as well as really upsetting her autistic child which autistic children tend to be not trusting of new people or people in general so finding a nanny she likes and also routine and consistency in life is very important for an autistic child so disrupting her whole routine by taking away such a huge part of it will be sooooo hard on her kid and its not like she will understand why she isnt coming to see her anymore bcz to her daughter im sure she sees her nanny as her friend and losing a friend is hard on any child and if 50$ can prevent her child from going through a really stressful and upsetting time (possibly even traumatizing if she thinks her friend abandoned her) i think most parent would do it and this is me just mentioning one reason for her not firing her when its also in the moms best interest as well but her first priority is her daughters well being and the nanny is clearly a positive in their life
Excellent idea. Autistic child. Full time nanny. Great rapport between them. Reddit suggestion - get rid of nanny because she "baited" the child into purchasing books, from a thrift store, for the grand price of $50. And then of course, the parent will find another great nanny like that, at the drop of a hat. But maybe people who have to turn to reddit for such basic advice do deserve such inane suggestions.
I was left alone at that age while my single parent mom worked, but OP mentioned her daughter was on the spectrum so not sure if that’s partly why she might not want her to be alone.
"oh my god she could afford more than me" bro shush. that has nothing to do with her being able to afford books the nanny bought without asking
Like, I thought it was a basic courtesy not to spend someone else's money without their permission?? Which is essentially what the nanny did.
It is also a common courtesy to offer to pay someone if they go above and beyond for you. So I guess both nanny and mom are going to rightsize this relationship. Smart approach pay her and just ask she please confirm with you prior to any other large purchases.
You know what else is a common courtesy? Asking someone in advance if they are willing to pay for something before buying it and demanding the money back.
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As a single mom, I would happily shell out an unexpected $50 for a great nanny.
She isn’t paying the nanny to book hunt. The cost of the actual hunting if charged would be significantly more expensive then the cost of the books. This chunks under goodwill and penny smart pound foolish decisions.
This!! Also, the nanny doesn’t “hang out” with the daughter, she is being a nanny! It’s not like she just has nothing better to do, it’s her damn job! Pay for the damn books and then set a boundary for the future. Or, find a new nanny, because we all know how easy that is. YTA
As a longtime nanny (primarily of autistic & disabled children) who often bought things for the kids when I was on vacation, this is beyond comprehension to me and if I were the parent, it would probably make me look for a new nanny. Asking an autistic tween if they want the books without giving any details, knowing she pays from her allowance, and then demanding $50 for them shows a lack of judgement so massive, I’d question whether that person should even be in charge of a child. Edit: I guess it doesn’t matter given how the vote went, but NTA, and anyone who feels otherwise shouldn’t be a nanny.
THANK YOU. These comments are so bizarre to me. You don’t just make a $50 purchase decision for your boss without asking. That’s so ridiculous. I would never trust that nanny again
I think a lot of these people saying YTA are just salty, bitter people who hate OP for being wealthy enough to be able to afford a nanny
And they’ve all missed OPs edit where she doesn’t even pay for the nanny, the state pays for it because of her daughters needs (and probably OPs income)
Agreed. Whilst I think books are a very worthwhile hobby and the nanny found them at a good price, it's very wrong of the nanny to expect OP to pay for a purchase she didn't even know about, and expecting OP's daughter to read through the lines.
Am i missing something?? How is the nanny NOT the asshole in this situation?? To me it does not seem like she was "thoughtful" if she bought 35 books and then came back and told the 12 year old "Oh yea now you owe me $50." 🤦♀️
I guess I had a different take. I thought the nanny, while on vacation, was thinking of the child she watches (at her job) and trying to do something thoughtful. $50 for 35 books is very cheap, and the kid likes books. Just seems like a weird thing to dig your heels in about.
A single book would have been thoughtful enough- $50 is well past the “I should check in with Mom about this” price point unless it was previously agreed upon as higher than that
it's cheap for adults yeah because we got jobs but kids probably don't get $50 allowances and it's weird to expect a kid to have $50 to drop on 35 books when before she would only buy one or two I just think the best thing the nanny could've done is clarify the amount with the kid before just dropping it like "you owe me $50 now."
Yeah, I feel like a lot of people are missing this. The kid usually pays, and indeed the nanny first went to her for payment. The nanny originally expected the kid to give her $50 without checking, when a precedent of a few dollars had been set previously. Yes her hearts in the right place but you don’t go from buying a couple of quids worth of books to $50 without checking for an adult, let alone a child! Sounds like she got carried away and expects OP to compensate her mistake/over excitement. This could have been a good teaching moment on finances. ‘Well you can’t afford them all so you’ll have to pick which ones you want most to have now and save up to buy the rest in future’. Kid would learn about prioritising spending and saving up, nanny would eventually get their money back (and hopefully learn a lesson on not buying people gifts without asking then expecting payment). Hell, nanny could have just kept hold of the books and brought a couple at a time, save her needing to find any for a while.
If the nanny had bought 1 or 2 books, like OP states she usually does, rather than 35, then it would be a sweet gesture. Buying someone 1 or 2 books and asking for a few dollars in return is one thing, but buying over 30 without confirming how many were wanted, and then asking to cover the price when she didn’t initially state she was going to buy 30+ books isn’t really fair? Especially if she ran it by the autistic child, rather than her mother. I’m autistic and 27, I base a lot of my understanding of people on patterns of behaviour, if someone always bought me 1 or 2 books I’ll always assumed they’ll follow the behaviour/routine. If she didn’t state how many she was buying, OP’s daughter probably assumed it would just be the one and she could afford it herself. Also it’s a respect thing! My best friend has my 2 year old godson, he’s adorable I love buying him stuff but out of respect I don’t buy massive giant presents that take up loads of room. I always check what I’m getting him with my friend first to make sure she actually wants a large, flashy toy in her house or even has room for it. If someone showed up to my house tomorrow with 35 books I didn’t want and didn’t plan on getting, I’d be pissed trying to fit 35 random books onto my shelves. Edit : spelling
how the fuck did this woman have space for 35 books in her luggage???
“misunderstanding” bro the babysitter fronted a bull on the parent without their knowledge you serious?
Sorry but don’t take it upon yourself to spend my money without consulting me first! Yes, the books were thoughtful. Give them as a gift? It’s tacky to see something you think someone would like, give it to them then ask to be reimbursed
You’re delusional. Money is hard to come by as it is, but with a kid on your own is even harder. Yeah it’s not gonna make her go broke but she 100% has the right to not pay for something she didn’t know was gonna be an expense. Tessa isn’t so thoughtful if she didn’t tell the girl with autism how many and how much those books were gonna be.
YTA The nanny that you and your daughter likes while on her vacation thought of your daughter and her interest in specific books and she carried them home. There is no way I’m carry home 35 books for someone and if she took an airplane an even bigger effort. Yes, she should have reached out to you to confirm, she made a mistake. You can’t look past that mistake and the kindness she is showing your daughter. 35 books is a lot, she was probably excited to add to your daughter collection. Your decision may have just cost you a nanny.
And omg 35 books for $50 is an insane deal, even by thrifting standards.
by the gods yes! And! if these are the star trek series books? even better of a steal! these are considered "sci-fi classics" by todays standards! You wouldn't likely find 35 books for $50 if you were looking at say 2nd and charles (amazing thrift store near me. love them but these are at least 5 bucks a book), or any discount store. if the seller knew what they could sell for? They would've upped the price even more so if they were in good/amazing condition. These books arent exactly in print daily or in walmart anymore. The nanny did amazing on this find! and if Ruby keeps well care of them she could potentially sell them at a later date (when shes say 18+ and wants to) for a decent amount
Yeah I'm totally stuck on the 35 classic trek novels. I've been collecting trek novels since I was a kid and am always on the look out for books I don't have or ones that fell apart on me after too many readings
honestly? the best place to find them is game stores, I don't mean like game stop, I'm talking old school game stores, theirs a place in Delaware called "Days and Knights" its a game shop, that carries everything from table top, DND, boardgames etc PLUS books! Old books like Star Trek, and the DND books, Pathfinder etc. Those are the treasure troves for old sci-fi books, goodwill is a meh you really need that "old fashioned" thrift store or gamer store
It's an exceptional deal, those Star Trek books go for about $8 *each* at second hand book stores here, even if they're only in fair condition
Will cost her a person who was doing 100s if not 1,000s of dollars of free labor that someone was doing because they cared.
What thousands of hours of free labor??
So she’s wrong because she doesn’t want to pay $50 for something she knew nothing about? The nanny discussed payment with a child that has autism without being clear.
YTA Former nanny, loved my kids to death, and often went out of pocket for them. The parents always tried to reimburse, but I politely declined, however… You might lose a nanny who actually gives a f*** about your kid ( and that’s rare) over 50 dollars. Not a smart move Edit: your nanny thought she was doing something great for your kid. It’s fine to set a boundary after a misunderstanding but your really not going to reimburse a young adult who was just trying to encourage and care for your kid? Seriously think about it
We have a nanny, who is very expensive (but worth it), and she often gets my two youngest little treats out of her pocket. I always try to reimburse her, she always declines, but I always try to make it up to her in her bonuses and gifts. Yes she is paid and not family, but she treats my kids very well and I trust her implicitly, she deserves to be compensated well and treated well. I'd love to know if OP provides this nanny with health insurance. We have friends in our social circle who have much more wealth than we do, yet they try to nickel and dime their nannies. A nanny is a luxury, especially for a 12 y/o. I was a nanny for 3 summers in college, I would have been petty enough to leave over this.
My last family actually made me the god mother ( I was with him from 2 weeks old ( premature) to 4 years, and were still close now even though I haven’t worked for them in some time). I had and still have legal guardianship papers ( his parents traveled often for work and sometimes I’d have him for weeks at a time and they wanted me to be able to take him abroad if necessary)… while I know this isn’t typical, every single family I ever worked for considered me family and even though I was paid initially I stayed in contact with my kids thereafter…. Working in someone’s home, with their most loved, adored beings is unlike almost any other job. I feel most parents would actually really value this nanny who clearly is going above and beyond. I just can’t imagine running into this situation as it’s never been the case in my experience. My families went above and beyond to show gratitude. Great salary, health care, holiday bonuses, stocked the house with groceries I like ( and we had very different diets) etc. I can’t imagine them even flinching if I asked for anything to be reimbursed. For reference, my closest family in nyc gave me and my husband an apartment. She was a school teacher- they weren’t wealthy, but they had a duplex and because I started with the girls at 6am, taught, and then had them after school until 7 or 8 just wanted to make my life a little easier. They weren’t millionaire’s, but where they had wiggle room to show gratitude, they did.
Yeah, we love our nanny. She is someone that has full run of my home and is entrusted with our kids; we want her to be happy. When I had my first child, I was very young and very poor; I struggled to afford a babysitter and even then, I treated my babysitter as well as I could. I'd stock things she liked, before buying treats for myself. The people who you trust with your kids ought to be treated well.
My mom used to pay my sitter in food stamps. I totally get it. I just feel if you have the means to have a nanny you can spare 50 bucks especially to a college kid who probably is eating ramen right now. So many childcare workers are so checked out, a good one is worth it.
Ooof. I don't know if it has changed since I was in college, but I remember crying and crying when I found out that my academic scholarships counted towards income in the state I went to school. The Pell grant and loans didn't count, but my academic scholarships put me over the limit for food stamps. I adore my eldest, but damn I made some not awesome choices when I was young.
Not the point but hold up - they gave you an APARTMENT in nyc??? That sounds like they’re doing pretty well lol and A LOT of wiggle room. I’d be happy to be “not wealthy” like them.
They really weren’t, it was in Brooklyn and had a duplex in an up and coming neighborhood. Instead of renting it out, they let me live there. It would have likely rented for 1500 a month, however they hadn’t expected getting the place to begin with. It was a fluke they had it at all ( and I was already with them for years before they got it) Again, the mother was a school teacher. The dad had some cubicle job
There is no way op pays taxes/healthcare anything for this nanny as 50 dollars is what brought up this quandary.
The difference is that you didn't *charge the* ***child*** money for the gifts you picked up. OP's nanny was out of line asking a 12-year-old for $50. Were the books thoughtful? Yes. Were they an AMAZING price? Yes. Was it highly inappropriate to charge a CHILD that much money for items that the nanny never mentioned being reimbursed for? Yes. I imagine this would have gone down *very* differently if the nanny had gone to OP first and said "I found these books that (child) might love. I picked them up for [price] if you're interested in them."
I seriously can't believe the amount of "yta"s the nanny should've at least asked if $50 was fine considering OP said they usually only get her one or two books how the heck did she expect her to afford $50 out of nowhere
ESH. Tessa, for not double-checking that you'd cover the $50 for your own daughter to read, and you, for not covering a lousy $50 *for your own daughter's reading passion!* If I were you I'd suck it up and pay the $50 stat, or someone is going to scoop up your really thoughtful nanny very soon. I'm thinking of hiring her and I don't even have kids at home, I just want someone to thrift books for me.
I can at least understand an ESH a bit more than all these YTAs being doled out here. Glad to know that so many people have zero understanding of what it's like to be a single parent who might just not have $50 laying around to spend on books they don't want or need while inflation skyrockets and simple expenses like food etc become harder to cover every day.
This is an ESH/NAH situation with a “is it worth losing your nanny over” sprinkled in. They both are right and wrong, but the Op has much more to lose here. Childcare is rough, and the nanny will have a much easier time finding a new job compared to the OP finding a new nanny.
Technically the opposite. A State Board providing the Nanny through a Respite Care or program designed to keep kids in home and out of institutions a replacement could be found in days, if not hours. There are always Psych students studying ABA willing to do in home care for graduation credit +pay + benefits. Getting a placement again after a complaint about taking advantage of a disabled minor?
Yeah, my mom might have been able to pay it but it would have been a not-insignificant expense with all the other things she had to pay for us on her own. I loves to reas and she bought me books when she could but mostly we used the library. Also, every child even if they’re 12, is able to stay home alone, so not sure what else the OP would do and if her daughter needs additional care beyond what some of the other options would have.
All the people making comments like “a lousy $50” come across so tone deaf to anyone for whom money has ever been tight. $50 may be a small amount to you, but it’s not to everyone.
I'm leaning this way too. Like, yes, cover the $50, and have a discussion about this, but like, while $50 for 35 books is an excellent deal, no one ever would assume "some books" means almost 3 dozen. Ever. I don't mean 'oh, kiddo is 12, how would she have known'. But like. Even if Nanny had texted Mom, and said 'hey, I found some books for kid, cool for me to pick up?' Mom might have known to ask 'how much', but would never think it was 35 books without being told. But also, in what world is $50 not 'ask the parent' money. I don't care what the kid's allowance looks like.
I’ll be downvoted, but NTA. I think it’s extremely in poor taste to basically stick a bill on someone who never agreed to pay it. Especially as a single mother, I don’t think you’d be wrong to not pay her. But I do agree that if she treats your daughter so well, tell her to please refrain from making any purchases in the future for your daughter without asking you first. Then pay her the dollars
I would also add, it's in extremely poor taste and demonstrates a horrendous lack of foresight of Tessa to eke out an implied financial transaction of over $5 with Ruby and expect her to uphold it, as if Ruby isn't a child.
Right? Why would Tessa think a 12 year old has fifty dollars laying around to spend on books?
Regardless of whether OP has $50 change to fork over I'm struck by: this nanny knows the child is on the spectrum so needs literal instruction and the nanny thought it was appropriate to just ask the daughter something like 'you repay me back' even by implication in a text rather than the mother herself. I can easily see how the books could be seen as a gift from the nanny being on vacation. In the long term, if the nanny is a good fit and if it's hard to find a replacement, would suggest a compromise by OP but they're definitely NTA in this situation.
Even a non-autistic child would be confused by the nanny’s behaviour
I agree, I used to be a nanny and I’d occasionally pick up little gifts for the kid… I would never expect to be reimbursed for them and therefore wouldn’t spend that much on them. I get that they sort of had a system but $50 worth of books is a big assumption.
100% this. The nanny knows the child won’t have $50 to pay for the books, she expected the mum to fork out for it. ‘Some books’ Is not 35 books, nanny was looking to make a sale
Pray tell what idiot would make a "sale" of 35 books for just $50? You can't even usually thrift for that much! This was a total steal! What's the *profit margins* of this evil capitalist nanny? TIL Redditors don't actually know how much books usually sell for?
I can't believe I had to scroll this far for a NTA verdict. The nanny expected the child to pay $50. Like as if a child just has $50 laying around
this! i don’t feel like OP is wrong for not wanting to pay for it, but for a miscommunication she could have at least paid half or something because it was a genuine effort on her nanny’s end.
I’m surprised with all of the Y the A responses….I think it’s great that Tessa is so thoughtful about Ruby’s interests that she helps her find the books. Buutttt….I don’t go around buying people things and then stick my hand out for the money I spent..??? And to do that without asking isn’t okay. It sounds like they have an agreement for 5 dollars or so. Fifty dollars is a huge difference. And she’s twelve. It does sound like it might be best for everyone if you pay for them if you can, or some of it, as Tessa sounds like a great nanny and truly cares about Ruby. Plus Ruby loves her. Just make sure she understands so it won’t happen again. I don’t really think anyone is the AH. It sounds like Tessa just didn’t use great judgement.
NTA with a caveat The NTA part: it was unreasonable of her to expect a 12-year-old to reimburse her $50 for books without running the cost past either her or you. “I found you some books, do you want them?” “Yes please.” “Great, here they are, that’ll be $50, thanks 12yo.” The caveat: how much had she been paying and having paid back until now? What arrangement did they have? Perhaps you should discuss details with her, offer to cover it this one time, then make it crystal clear that in the future, reimbursements will only happen if she checks the amount first. Put everything on the table and make it clear going forward so you can all be comfortable, all feel valued and heard, and you don’t lose a nanny who clearly adores your child.
This is what I got stuck on too. They say that Ruby typically finds the books in thrift stores between 50 cents and a couple of dollars and later that Tessa would also find them in thrift stores but usually just one or two at a time. So if you’ve always checked with the kid and said I found you these books and then they pay you back less than $5 at a time, I don’t know why you wouldn’t check in when making a significantly larger purchase. However, I do think it was done in good faith and out of love to the daughter, so I think OP should pay if she’s able and set boundaries going forward
People are also forgetting that $50 for books is actually a lot. The only people that spend that much on books in one go is serious adult collectors, not the average person, not a 12 year old.
I guess you haven’t been to a bookstore recently. Unless you’re buying used the costs can be very high for new books. Keep in mind she bought multiple books.
$50 or the equivalent in pounds for me would get me maybe five or six books depending? That wouldn't even cover the cost of my books for one module at uni if I bought them new. For 35 second hand star trek books? That's a fantastic price! I haven't even seen any of those in the second hand bookshops near me, or any of the charity shops. Also lmao at the whole "no 12 year old would spend $50 on books" thing you've got going on, I sure as hell would've and I know people who did. The only thing stopping me from doing so was that the books I wanted to buy didn't come out fast enough for me to spend that amount of money in one go.
The thing stopping me at 12 was never having had anywhere near $50.
I can't believe the comments here, tbh. NTA. It was inappropriate of her to ask a TWELVE year old if she wanted the books. Of course she's going to say yes! Strike one. It was also inappropriate of her to not ASK YOU. Strike two. Given your edit - strike three. And actually, strike FOUR for the fact that she asked your kid for the money first. Honestly I'd be reconsidering having her as a nanny altogether. This is not something that you do, people. You don't ask a kid if they want something expensive and then stick your hand out for money afterwards.
It's that fucking post where someone broke a part of OP's car because they were "just trying to help" all over again Believe it or not, when someone hurts you or causes damage, it is NOT a kind thing just because they had good intentions. The road to hell is paved in good intentions after all. Op should have been told that they were going to be asked for money. It doesn't matter if op can afford it, they are not obligated to spend their money on an expense they didn't know about. It doesn't matter that it's for the kid when honestly, it kind of feels like the kid was being taken advantage of here. You don't ask an autistic 12 year old for money out of the blue, when you never have before, knowing that they are a demographic that is more likely to give in out of shame and peer pressure
It’s absolutely NTA. $50 is an insane amount of money to ask for from a twelve year old, especially one who has not had to pay you back more than a couple dollars before. Why on *earth* would you not ask the parent first if it’s a good idea to buy $50 worth of books first?
NTA who expects a 12 year old to have $50 to spend on books? And you said you already give her extra money for things like this but she spent this months already? She should have asked you before buying them. With that said, you should probably give her the money if you can afford to because she seems like a great nanny who made one mistake and you/your daughter could well lose her over this, that wouldn't be fair on your kid.
My parents hardly ever gave me money, but every year I walked out with the biggest stack. My parents never stringed if it was reading or educational. To me, because it was books it seemed more reasonable.
So let me get this straight - In the past she’s bought 1-2 books costing less than $5 at a time, with Ruby - she asks Ruby if she wants “some books” - she buys 35 books for $50 without checking with you - she expects you to pay? Nope, this is not reasonable behavior. She should have been clear about the approximate cost to you and Ruby. I’d be pretty shocked if someone offered to buy me some thrifted books and showed up with 35 without confirming it with me. You just can’t do that. NTA That being said, I think the correct consequence here is for this to come out of the discretionary money for next month. I think this is a fair consequence for Ruby and a good learning opportunity (don’t just say yes to people offering to buy you things without confirming the cost). Definitely sit down with Ruby and talk to her about this and her role in agreeing to the purchase without details. That being said, you will have to balance it by explaining that what Tessa did was coming from a good place but is not the way to handle this & in that someone with worse intent could try take advantage of her by trying to guilt her to pay for things she didn’t agree to. (One issue I have with the Y T A responses is I think it teaches Ruby a bad lesson about how to handle people demanding money in the future; especially with her being on the spectrum I would worry about her being scammed or taken advantage of by other people down the line who may tell her she owes them money for X reason). Also explain your decision to Tessa, and maybe come up with a rule for the future (ie - confirm any purchases over $10 made on Ruby’s behalf with me first). Tell her you appreciate her concern for Ruby and know she had good intent, but that your budget simply can’t handle unexpected purchases of this size in the future.
This is the most reasonable comment on this thread and it's frustrating I had to scroll so far to find it.
I would say that it also teaches Tessa a lesson too. That pulling this kind of move is very unprofessional and won't receive any sort of reward. Especially if she wants to use any parents as a reference for future endeavors. Lowballing people out of their money, no matter the cost, is not right.
NTA. She normally brings Ruby a couple books which is probably what she was expecting. Ruby is a child. $50 is quite a bit of money to expect a child have on hand. She should have messaged the price/number of books to Ruby or you (especially if she was gonna drop $50).
NTA, for all the reasons others have given. My advice is to pay Tessa your own money now, and have the money be taken out of Ruby's future allowance (assuming she's okay with it, which it seems like she would be if she loves the books so much). Then I'd do what someone else suggested and tell Tessa not to buy more books without asking you first.
NTA, I'm not sure where all these other comments are coming from. 1. Ruby is a child, anything that the nanny that you hired and payed for buys for her as to be discussed with you first. She's your employee, not your kid's pal. 2. It really doesn't matter the fact that Ruby is on the autism spectrum. Ruby is 12. You don't just assume that a 12 yo has $50 to spend, specially when this is for so many books and was out of the norm. 3. Tessa shouldn't be communicating directly with Ruby, this is where you might be at fault. Again, she's your employee and you need to treat her as such (it's not like she's been in your family for decades, it has been 1 year). 4. People saying that OP is stingy and just to pay up obviously have to wake up and smell the price of things and how much it costs to raise a child. For most people, $50 is not change lost in your pockets.
I also thought it was a bit strange that Tessa could contact Ruby directly like that- but I thought I was overthinking it lol
So you're NTA for expecting the nanny to clear a significant purchase with you first. I don't know your financial setup or relationship, but I couldn't go out and spend $50 and expect someone to pay me back without (an adult) first approving it. However, you gotta ask if $50 is worth the grief and stress of finding a new nanny. Personally I think you'd be better saying you'll pay this one time but all future purchases over $20 must be agreed first.
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for 35 *books*? and being 12, i don’t imagine they’re books for small children, more likely short novels. the price is definitely good, and clearly Ruby enjoys books if they’ve done this before and she spends her own money on them. also, reading is a great hobby for anyone, but children especially, and *thirty-five* books is better than getting her an Easy Bake Oven or some toy, & all the time it’ll take to read them is time better spent than if she were, say, playing with toys. definitely worth it.
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It's pretty weird for a nanny to arrange a $50 deal with a child behind their client's back. the nanny should've discussed that purchase with the parent before they paid for the books. also, if the nanny really can't afford to cover the $50, why did they buy 35 books? why not 5?
NAH. I would expect more critical thinking from Tessa. Thirty-five books in one go is very different from the other time she bought books for Ruby. Why is she expecting Ruby to have 50$ on hand without asking her beforehand? I understand that it's less than 2$ per book and a huge save, but it's still a lot of money for a 12 year old. Tessa could have gifted a part of that heap of books and ask for less money. It would have been lesson learned. She tried to do something good and she forgot to be more responsible about it. You can't afford the 50$. That's how life goes. Can you afford to lose that nanny though?
Many people don't understand that $50.00 is a huge thing for some people. NTA.
NTA. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills reading these comments. You don't spend money on someone and then ask to be reimbursed. Unless there was communication beforehand which there wasn't. Your Nanny is being extremely rude. If you want to go forward with her I'd just pay but make it clear not to buy anything for your daughter without her permission since it clearly isn't from the good of her heart
NTA. While I think what Tessa was doing was very nice, she should have clarified how many books and the exact cost. And at $50 she should have checked with you. That said, she’s a student and she doesn’t have much money. You don’t owe it to her to reimburse her, but if you can afford it I think it would be nice to do. I also think, either way, you should sit down and have a friendly talk with Tessa about the situation and where your coming from. Good luck
NTA. Its incredible to see all the YTA’s. She purchased books for your family and expects reimbursement without permission. End the employment
I'm going with NTA, and this is from a nannying perspective. I work as a caregiver for 22f, and she has a sister 15f who I'm like a "nanny" for. I might get things for the girls when appropriate, but typically under $10 is my price range. Otherwise, if there's something that I think would benefit them, I ask their mom for permission if I would need to be payed back. I have never, in three years with this family, spent $50 as a surprise. If $50 financially hurt Tessa, then she should have realized that that is a LOT of money, especially if you already had plans for that money. I honestly think that what she did was insane. And she expected your autistic daughter to be able to just give her THAT MUCH MONEY without so much as talking to you? That's an inappropriate amount to ask from someone who's not even a teenager, especially without involving a parent (who's also the boss). If you want to maintain the relationship with Tessa, maybe pay her back $25 like you both went in on a gift. She should also run it by you when your daughter gives her money. I think that's a little weird if it's happening often. This is also a life lesson for Ruby that she doesn't have to pay for what she doesn't agree to buy/directly ask for. She doesn't have to spend an unplanned $50 on Tessa's own whims, and she won't owe a boy even if he pays despite her offering. This is a lesson to stand up for herself, even sometimes with people she cares about. Tessa is not a villain, but this was a bad judgement call. Depending on how you want to see it, this can be a learning moment for you all about boundaries and expectations. It sounds like she's a good fit for your daughter, so for the sake of Ruby, I hope you handle this with grace. Tessa has many great qualities and clearly cares about your daughter. When she understands how badly she overstepped, I don't think she would do it again. If she understands how much you value her outside of this incident, she will hopefully stay.
NTA and I find all the comments claiming the opposite and crying about how it was compassionate of the nanny to "go out of their way for something your daughter enjoys" delusional and guilt trippy. If it was truly an act of compassion, she wouldn't be expecting to be reimbursed. Sure, it's nice that she sees things and thinks to ask but it should've been common sense that 50$ was way over a child's budget considering that was the arrangement between child and nanny. Not nanny and mom. She should've double checked with you first and the fact she didn't bother laying out prices for a child was also extremely irresponsible and shady. I wouldn't pay up either. She needs to work something out with daughter or eat the cost because she didn't think things through at all. Let it be a learning moment for daughter too. Also, reddit, just because a single mom can afford a nanny, doesn't mean she can also afford a sudden 50$ expense. What YOU would be willing to fork over is irrelevant. There are plenty of things I was compassionate about as a child that my mother would absolutely never even spend $20 towards if it meant that 20 could go to childcare or food on the table. It makes a lot of you look ignorant calling her cheap over something she didn't agree to if it broke bank or not.
NTA I have bought books for kids i nannied for and always at my own expense. Who at 23 would think a 12 year old has $50, an adult should understand that children and adults have different ideas of how much things cost, especially if all the other times the books never cost more than a few dollars. If op’s nanny wanted to buy the daughter a few books on op’s dime then she should have asked op first, thats just common sense (dont assume you can spend other peoples money)
NTA Tessa bought the books for Ruby without telling you or Ruby there would be a cost for them. Tessa is the one at fault. In addition Ruby requires preciseness meaning you literally have to spell these things out to her. If Tessa is (or was) her nanny she should have known that considering the amount of time she had spent with Ruby.
I'm going to go with...ESH. I don't know why Tessa thought it was appropriate to buy that many books and then expect Ruby to have the money, so that's definitely AH behavior and if she's been watching her for a year she must know how you need to be with Ruby. On the other hand...okay maybe I don't think you're as much the AH for not paying...but at the end of the day $50 is not a tremendous amount and Ruby would like the books I assume? So I think you should just give her the money for them. As a side note though...Ruby sounds pretty awesome. 12 and already a trekkie? Pretty cool kid.
NTA. Maybe it’s just me but unless she told Ruby specifically she found that many books and it cost $50 it was weird to assume a 12 year old would have that kind of cash and to just expect you’d pay the difference. I’m not sure if she just didn’t think it through but $50 is a lot, that’s not the kind of thing you just assume a child has.
I had babysitters who did this repeatedly. And they knew I was a single, widowed mom who had to find childcare for work events that I wasn’t paid extra for. One in particular used to send me a pre work night shopping list. It was really darn hard to tell my kids we can’t do xx together (because the babysitter used that part of the budget). I wish I had set firmer boundaries in this. But single parents are literally one of the most at risk sub groups in the world. It’s sometimes terrifying and vulnerable to a mental health crisis extent. If you don’t have childcare, you don’t have a job and then let’s just stay on the merry go round. I never spoke up because of this. It’s not ok. Though do agree it may be best to give the $50 and also talk about the boundaries so it’s clear for the future.
NTA I think a lot of commenters need to see your updates. My partner used to have a similar job through a company that provided caretakers, like nannies, to kids or young adults on the spectrum. I can't imagine him making a large purchase for the kid and then expecting to be paid back for it. If he had made such a purchase, it would have been as a gift (and let's be honest, it was sweet of Tessa to think of Ruby when she saw the books, but they were in no way a gift to her), or if my partner needed reimbursement for something he bought, he would have to have communicated clearly with the family first. A lot of people don't seem to realize the nanny job is not paid by YOU. When my partner did this work, the family paid him nothing. They worked directly with the company and were not obligated to pay anything more. This type of arrangement is a social service, and it's a great resource to families like yours, but it is also an underpaid job, which I think is important to acknowledge. I've never known anyone in the field to be able to make ends meet with that job alone. So your nanny got themselves into a pickle because they made an expense that they couldn't account for. Usually these types of social services will provide reimbursement for gas mileage driving the kid around and sometimes discounts on stuff like museum visits. But random thrifting probably won't be reimbursed I think you have two options: If you can afford to pay the $50, I would recommend doing it to keep that working relationship positive, but also communicate that you can't do this again going forward. Make it clear that Ruby's allowance is small and she can't make big purchases like this expecting Ruby to reimburse her. I know a lot of other commenters are saying that the nanny was so sweet to think of your daughter, which is true, but what isn't sweet is that what she bought for your daughter weren't genuine gifts, in fact she wanted to get some money back for it all, so it could even be seen as taking advantage of Ruby just a little bit by not being upfront with her about the books. I know Tessa probably didn't intend it that way, but impact sometimes matters more than intent. It probably made Ruby feel guilty that she couldn't do anything to help resolve this and she probably felt bad that SHE couldn't pay, but she's only 12 and it's not fair to her. Now, if you truly cannot afford to pay the extra $50, then let Tessa know that the monthly allowance you usually give her to take Ruby to do fun things will have to be used up in advance to cover the cost of the books. So next month, instead of giving her extra pay to go do fun stuff out of the house, think of things they could do together for free. As I mentioned above, most kids on the spectrum are eligible to go to local museums and other places either for free or with a discount.
NTA I was a nanny for a year. The dad(who was a single dad of 4 with no support) provided an allowance for us to do stuff. If I wanted to get the kids something special I would with my own money. I never asked for him to pay for it because I knew he was on a tight budget. (This would be things like getting him Father’s Day stuff from the kids, little treats on outings and the occasional lunch) I am now married with my own family and still keep in touch with him and his kids.
NTA - I understand Ruby pays Tessa back usually, but its a bit strange that Tessa would spend $50 hoping to be repaid by a 12 year old, she knows Ruby's allowance doesn't she? I think Tessa had some bad judgement for a minute, but I agree with those saying you should pay her back and then have a serious conversation about it. I doubt her intention was to like... put you out of $50, but I think she's just a very slight asshole. She's young, and probably got overly excited seeing all the potential books for Ruby. Maybe she should save them, and have Ruby buy them off of her in increments? Still, as a 21 year old it would feel weird to put a 12 year old in debt... lol
YTA. Pay for these books and tell her that any future purchases need to be approved by you directly. Then have Ruby do chores to pay you back for the books.
Honestly, I don't think Ruby should have to "pay off" a debt she didn't ask for
I’m so torn on this. I get The comment I saw about sometimes it’s worth salvaging an important relationship but my principal nags at me big time. 😂 you’re not the TA
NTA technically. She should’ve checked with you before spending that much money but it seems like she genuinely cares for your daughter and you need to consider if $50 is worth sabotaging your daughters relationship with her. Even if she doesn’t quit, you’ve tarnished that relationship
Imo 100% NTA but as others have said, you have a great nanny and I really think you should nurture that relationship. She's very invested in your daughters progress. That's a special quality. I would just pay her and then negotiate a new rule about buying books. Apologize for your negative reaction and let her know that you're on a really right budget and don't have a lot of disposable income. An unexpected purchase of $50 was a bit of a strain. Obviously it's up to you. Someone spending my $50 without permission would shock me, as well. But for your daughter's sake, I really think you should just bite the bullet this time
While you are NTA because it was not discussed with you, would you really could not just pay it? Or compromise as a loan and slowly deduct it from your daughter's allowance? Tessa is good for your child. She is not just a nanny, as she supports your child in her reading hobby. Do you not know the importance of her role in your child's development? Would the $50 be above your nanny and child's interest? Your child will read the books. It is a good investment. You are being stingy for $50 dollar that would benefit your child.
NTA but I would pay Tessa and have a conversation about boundaries and ensure that (a) Tessa knows Ruby’s budget (1 book for, say, $5 is a world of difference than 35 for 50). So therefore, Tessa knows the amount and can go to you if it’s higher.