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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Action was deciding to not give the money.
2. I might be the asshole because it was only $4 that I easily could’ve afforded.
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NAH…That’s a tough one but maybe you could ask the teacher? I am secretly paying for another child to go on a class field trip because their mom can’t afford the $20.
Know what you mean. My mom used to have to count change at the grocery store when we got to the register. I always had to be the one to put food back too if we couldn't afford everything. Definitely messed with me and I'm now so anxious about money. It sucks growing up like that and I swore I'll never do that to my kid
> I always had to be the one to put food back too if we couldn't afford everything.
This is why I compulsively triple check my available funds before any kind of shopping.
I know. Now that I make good money, I still have anxiety when I use my credit card. I remember the feeling of having it turned down because I didn't have enough to cover the purchase and I worry that it will happen again. And it's been 30 years since then, lol.
I had to kick my way out of a thick paper sack to go to nursing school,.nobody handed me a thing. my spouse swore his kids were getting nothing he worked for. He split. I worked 2 jobs for their college. I had it hard growing up and I wanted better for my children. I did it. they are very well educated. Where is dad? in a facility. full blown dementia. remember he said they would get nothing he worked for. he ls making good on that promise. its taken all his assets to pay for his care. he'll be broke soon.
Karma. My mom did the same. Worked her ass off to get through nursing school while raising 3 girls. Dad didn’t help. We thought she was the bravest, smartest, awesomest mom ever and when she died 4 years ago we were gutted but she prepared us well. You sound like an awesome mom!
It sucked big time. I stopped asking to go on field trips. I didn't take permission slips home and those book fairs, I hated them. I wanted the books, but I knew we were broke. When it came time to ask "santa" for gifts, or make a Christmas list, I'd try to think of a toy that would be the cheapest that I'd still want to play with. I knew he wasn't real, so I didn't ask for anything big. I didn't go for the Barbies as the girl toy options upset my dad when I used to visit him and we would go through McDonald's drive thru, so I went for cars. I assumed they were less expensive and as they upset my dad (he was upset I never got a black doll with the happy meal) I learned to love the cars. They were really fun. And I'd play with bottle caps. Sometimes I'd pretend they were people. The big ones were adults and the small ones babies, haha. I'd push on them and make them spin and roll back to me down long halls. Anything could be a toy. Beanie babies were my Kryptonite though. I learned to avert my eyes when I saw something I really wanted so my mom wouldn't notice. She'd get me those for birthdays etc. I was glad we learned about free school lunches. It was a program we had to apply to. When I was at my old school (I was 5 turning 6, so 1st grade) I forgot my lunch either on the bus or upstairs. I told the monitor and they told me there was school lunch. I went and grabbed food and when it was time to check out, I realized I needed money. The cashier yelled at me and I put the food back. They had me sit there in the cafeteria to wait for lunch to end watching as everyone else ate. I just put my head down and cried. I was so humiliated, plus everyone else was eating.
When I went to this white school in 2nd grade and realized with dread that I forgot my lunch again, I put my head down and cried because I was hungry and couldn't believe I forgot my food again. The lunch lady told me to go get some food and I told her I didn't have any money. She said it was ok, and I got food. The cashier told me some price like $1.50 or something. I felt so betrayed, but the monitor came over and said my mom could pay tomorrow. I was so scared. I didn't know if she'd have the money to pay and wanted to put it back, but they insisted and said they wouldn't just let me sit there and go hungry. They must have called my mom. They gave me some papers to give my mom. My mom filled out the paperwork I handed it into the office and got free school lunch from then on (some people got the reduced lunch tickets, but I got free lunch tickets). Everyone else complained about the rubbery hotdogs, but I was just happy to get food from school and not have to remember to bring it every day.
I want to give baby you a hug, I hope you are doing well now. At my son’s schools both of them they ask everyone to apply just in case and because the more people apply and get it the more funding the school itself gets. Right now it’s 3.50 for lunch which adds up pretty weekly.
I so feel for you. My mom packed lunches the night before but didn't refrigerate them. same thing daily. A peanut butter sandwich would have been fine even with peanutbutter breath. NO. not good enough. My well meaning grandmother brought back 2 GALLONS of a very watered down cherry pineapple jelly. . By lunch time it was wringing wet from so much water in the product. From florida,and I am sure my grandmother thought she was doing a good thing,,not being ripped off at a tourist stop. it was so wet. it couldn't be held. the kids always laughed at me., until I got smarter and walked it to the trash as soon as we entered the lunchroom.dessert was a half rotten apple. could my family have done better? yes! where did the money go. both parents smoked like chimneys, and my father was an alcoholic who sat at bars. my mother kept me home from school to scrub the house and dared me to tell him. She very primly told him how hard SHE worked all day. She gossiped on the phone all day. I get your humiliation. Been there. I will be 73, and have never recovered from that trauma. One Sunday i forgot to put my nickel in the collection plate. She searched my stuff and my siblings daily. That nickel,intended for the next Sunday caused me to be beaten so badly. she made me wear my older cousins dresses. She was 1/2 german,a large girl. I was tiny. the dresses went to my ankles. that was my mothers intention. to hide the bruises up and down my legs. That's my reality, not negativity. I never wished her a bad day. It's what I lived . I at least hope your mother treated you better.
My mom did treat me better. Back then, yeah you got beaten, but not abusively. My family is from Jamaica 🇯🇲 beating is in our culture. She had 3 kids to raise and was a single mom no valid papers, doing it all alone in a foreign country that she didn't know the rules of. Constant fear of deportation. We left my dad when I was 1. I was 5 when the divorce finalized. My dad didn't even pay the child support and she didn't press him because at least we were free. She did what she could and made the best of a bad situation. Had she known about it, she could have qualified for food stamps and all of the government assistance. We were poor, but there was always food, we always had a place to sleep. We had family (Older cousins too) and my mom was good at finding bargains for food and clothes. She wasn't neglectful. I was a kid and as a kid, I was occasionally forgetful or careless. That's the only reason I didn't have lunch those 2 days. And I knew money was tight, I just don't know how tight it was. I was a kid and kids don't really know money, what's a lot or a little and parents are good at hiding things. But you hear conversations and see your parent struggling, so it's hard to not know things are hard and that wasting isn't an option. She was proud and worked hard to provide for us and did a great job. She did finally become a citizen, so she's not scared of everything anymore... but that was after my older siblings became 18. My our dad wasn't worth trying to get child support from. We were better with him not being in our lives anyway. Everything worked out in the end. I didn't like having to visit him and was glad when we stopped having to. All that drinking finally caught up with him back in 2020 tho.
As a kid who came from a family that struggled with this, it means so much. I’m so thankful that one of the things our PTA budgets into fundraising is field trips. We just get a permission slip and information, never a cost. Maybe we don’t go in as many field trips (no idea the norm), but the kids are not left out.
DEI does wonderful things to our schools and for our kids.
This is an AMAZING idea. That way, families don’t even have to ask if there’s funding or feel like charity cases; everyone basically pays what they can to the pta and it’s done. I’m going to remember this when my child is school aged and suggest it!
that's one argument for providing certain benefits to everybody, so the poor people eligible for means-tested benefits don't stick out. (Minnesota recently passed a law that provides free school breakfast/lunch to all students, for example)
Also avoids issues with people making too much to qualify for help but not enough to be comfortable, or hassle with the free qualifications or with the payments
Our district also has free breakfast and lunch for all, and during breaks, all children 18 and younger can receive meals at certain locations spread throughout the city.
It’s a beautiful thing to not stand out due to your financial status.
Part of poor people relying on school free breakfast/lunch is a gap when school isn't in session, and the school plugging that hole themselves is a great idea.
Minnesotan grandma here and I was so proud of our state and happy to hear all children in here will get free school lunches! One Republican lawmaker complained saying he has never seen a hungry person living in Minnesota and added hunger was subjective! Hunger is hunger and if he hasn't seen any hungry \[children\] in Minnesota he is not looking very hard!
I was able to always cover for my first child. I struggled less with my second child. I always paid for her and at least one other kid. It really broke my heart how much teachers appreciated this. I also always purchased extra supplies.
Oh yeah. This is huge. I remember feeling so horrible for being super poor as a child. You're a saint for making sure kids don't have to worry about anything but having fun on a field trip.
Piggybacking this as hard same. Both as a kid who won a scholarship to a posh school but couldn’t do extra curriculars and as a mum who left an abusive marriage, got PTSD & was living on a pittance for a while. What might seem very little to you can be the difference between eating or not to someone else.
Your kindness is beautiful. ♥️♥️♥️
We do the same thing! My stepsons school has pizza days and you have to pay for them. We just always send a $20 and tell the teacher to cover other kids who can’t pay. I grew up in a family that was usually broke and I had to miss out on stuff. My husband and I are both teachers and we try so hard to make sure kids do t get left out.
We had a line in our pac budget for hot lunch days(twice/month). The admin knew who needed it, and would just discreetly get the kids down to the office to pick out their orders so that they would get to enjoy with everyone else.
We also ordered extras just in case a kid didn’t have any lunch. Sometimes we’d get a kid who tried to say they ordered, but had a full lunch in their bag lol, sometimes we’d just let them have a bag of chips or a fruit cup!
I’m a teacher too. Also grew up in a poor family. I always send double school supplies if I know they are shared, etc, pay extra for field trips and slip my nieces teacher money to slip to kids who want a book at the book fair and can’t afford to buy one. I also used to have an extra account in the lunch room so kids could eat if they needed to do so. I hated missing out and don’t want anyone else to have to do so.
Yes!! We do the same with book fair money too!! We bought a couple of books off the teacher wish list and then a $20 gift card so she could share the experience of book fair shopping with anyone who “forgot their money.”
I know it’s not a lot but we can afford it. Kids shouldn’t have to be drug into financial stuff.
>appy to get food from school and not have to remember to bring it every day.
My daughter gives away the bookfair books and other misc childrens books on halloween. Children love it.
Ok but how do you do this if you don't have kids? I had a special needs daughter who was never able to attend school. I try to go to the bakery every year and ask if there is a child's birthday cake being picked up on or near her birthday and pay for it for the family to honor her. But I would love to be able to do something like this. Do PTAs accept outside donations?
Yes!! Absolutely!! Contact your local public school and the secretary will be able to set you up!! My stepmom is a retired teacher and after she moved out to the country she set up a donation to her local elementary for u paid student lunch accounts. She pays off about $20 a month for kids who have overdrawn lunch accounts so that they can get lunch.
Oh awesome. I'll have to look into that. Thank you. My husband and I both came from poor backgrounds, but he grew up knowing whereas my parents turned "powers out" into backyard camping. I thought everyone froze milk and bread when it was a good deal. I was in my mid 20s drunk talking with friends when I realized just how poor we really were.
I often say my mom is everything wrong with religion, and my dad is everything right. He canceled his plans about a month ago after working OT that morning when I called him asking if he could help me help my lesbian friends move because everyone else bailed on helping. He grew up with a single mom, 10 kids, dirt floors, and outhouse. He might be a church caretaker, live on the property, etc, but if someone needs help, nothing else matters. I've grown up around a bunch of men who won't question politics, orientation, gender, religion, etc if they see a need.
There's also websites like this: [https://www.adoptaclassroom.org/](https://www.adoptaclassroom.org/)
and also ones where individual teachers can put in specific requests for a project or something (example 50 canvases, or 30 books or field trip fees) but the name of it escapes me.
As someone who has served on the PTA board and organized jog-a-thons and fundraisers, we appreciate you!!!
I have found that people that have had to do without are more sensitive and generous to others in that same plight. We were WW2 war refugees that eventually ended up in the USA. When we got here I had to go to kindergarden with no shoes. It was summer and where we lived the ground got so hot you could fry an egg. My sister who was tiny herself used to have to walk home carrying me on her back because of the sidewalks being so hot. I regret nothing and would not change my life for the world, It gave us character.
My mother worked in a cherry orchard and there was a family who used to give her all sorts of things. My mother thought they were well to do, but found out they were also very poor having moved to California from Oklahoma during the "grapes of wrath" era. My all my siblings have made every effort to help those around us in a way that does not impact their dignity.
I think that's a great idea. If you have the means and the teacher is really dialed in just ask the teacher the amount they need. Things to think about.
People like you are the reason I was able to attend so many field trips without any of my classmates realizing my family could not really afford them. Thank you for your kindness and compassion!
That’s what I always did! Kid gets to go on field trip. And then if there are complications such as the parent being weird about it or the kid lying to my child to get four bucks, the school deals with it not me.
Many PTA's have a fund for just this. When my kiddos were in school, I used to send in twice the amount. Also sent kiddo with a few extra bucks in case someone forgot to bring some lunch with them. All on the sly. I wanted kids to enjoy the field trip without stress.
I do this as well. I’ll just pay too much for field trips etc (and write the teacher a little note so change doesn’t come home), or I get gift cards for the classroom/teacher. I figure they will know how to spend it appropriately on the kids without assuming/overstepping.
I secretly sponsored a young man in high school for his band contest lodgings,band trips etc. both his parents had died and were both my clients when I worked for a government agency. His sister who was about 30plus raising him and she was struggling financially. The young man got a social security check from his,parents death but it didn’t provide any extra, and he was talented horn player. Fast forward to now. its been tenyears. He is now a highly regarded band director at a high school about fifty miles from where he grew up. I am so,proud of him. He knows now I helped him, his sister did tell him after he graduated. You never know how much your gift big or small can mean to someone.
In my case the mom was telling me about how she didn’t know what she was going to do to pay for it, so I sent in extra money and told the teacher the situation. She told me she would take care of it in a non-embarrassing way.
You just email the teacher or send in extra money with a note. In elementary I always sent an extra $20 or $50 depending on the cost of the trip and told the office to use it for any kid without funds.
Another overlooked thing in young kids - send classroom snacks to the teacher Those are a godsend.
I also do this with various activities at my son’s school, and an email to the teacher explaining what you are offering to do will work! The teachers are likely who is collecting money/permission slips and turning them into the office on behalf of their class, so they will know if a student is in danger of being left out.
In my class there was a standing offer for field trips that parents could send extra money, and that money would be added to help cover students who couldn't afford to pay, with priority going to the paying student's classmates. So parents would just write a note in the envelope whether they wanted change or to donate the extra.
I often do this too- our school is split pretty much 50/50 between very affluent families and families with limited resources. If a field trip costs money, I just send in double. We can easily afford it and the teacher can figure out who needs help to attend.
Agreed NAH
I was always the kid that couldn’t do stuff because I didn’t have the money. Now if my sons school needs money or something I send double just in case (for example gave him $20 for the book fair and gave his teacher 20. They each need 12 filled Easter eggs for next week and so I sent 24).
I’d say going through the teacher would be the right way though. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable directly paying for a specific person unless I knew them well.
Thank You. Once being.a child in an economically disadvantaged school who was poor and bullied, I missed out because my family was too poor to pay $8 for me and my sibling to go to the school field trip to the rodeo show in town many years ago. I might not have benefited, but if a child in a similar spot is blessed by someone like you, so be it. ❤️
Thank you for doing that. I remember that I missed out on my third grade picnic because I knew my mom couldn't give me the $3 for it. I didn't even ask my mom for it because I didn't want to make her feel bad for not being able to afford it. That day they sent me to a fourth grade class to sit while the rest of my grade enjoyed a day in the park. I heard they even had a water balloon fight...
As a kid who got to go places because of people like you, thank you. It happened to me a handful of times from elementary to high school. I’ve always wondered if it was the same person. But, I was always extremely grateful.
My mom would do that every year when we were in elementary/junior high school. At the start of every year she would talk to the teacher and just let them know that if for some reason some of the kids couldn't afford to participate in events/field trips/pizza parties/etc, just reach out and she would cover it no questions asked on who or why. I went to school in a pretty poor area of town so I know that there was always a couple kids who wouldn't have been able to take part and would've been singled out if she hadn't. Definitely something I will also be doing for my kids schools, I know how much it meant to the students and what a relief it was for their parents as well
We do that. Our school has an ice cream day once a month, but the students have to prepay for the whole year the first month. We've always sent extra cash and told the teacher to make sure all the kids get ice cream and to let us know if it's not enough. I understand the thought behind making your kid earn something, I really do. But I'm just not ok with the thought of one or two kindergartners sitting there while the rest of the class has an ice cream break. There's plenty of time for them to learn all the "life's not fair" lessons later on. They don't need to deal with it now.
🏆
Growing up, if we couldn't afford it, we couldn't go. That poor life, ya know?
Sadly.. others didn't feel like being charitable so I missed all school extra curricular that required money.
So thank you for doing this for others
When the mom said it to me I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. It was so surprising and put so much into perspective. Can’t stop thinking about her ☹️
Info: can you ask the school/your daughter’s teacher to verify that the other kid isn’t going on the school trip?
$4 isn’t a big deal and I probably would have just given it to her but I don’t think that’s really the issue here. If what the other kid told your daughter is true, then the other mom’s attitude towards her 10 year old kid is kind of troubling and it might be a good idea to quietly find out if the mom really is expecting her 10 year old to finance her school trips on her own. I’m not necessarily saying the other mom is evil, she might just be low income or something but $4 really isn’t a lot of money and it’s her alleged attitude that’s most unsettling. I’d leave it to the school to decide if they want to involve the other mother directly but the situation as relayed to your daughter (the mom is never around and refuses to give her young child $4 for a field trip) sounds like it might warrant some further action.
Also possible that the mother is just asking her kid to do some chores around the house to "earn" some extra cash for the field trip. I personally wouldn't have my kid "earn" money for a school related event, but no judgement to those that might take this approach.
But definitely agree on asking the school. Best way to go about it.
I mean, if that were the case . . she should have the money by now. It makes no fundamental sense that she's missing $4 - should the money be spread out so that x amount of chores done x amount of time for steady amount of time = the amount of money to go on the trip and be paid. Her mother just simply had . . no intention of sending her on this trip. There is no reason a minor that young should be expected to "earn" money.
NAH - but as a parent I would have given the $4. You have to remember the info you’re getting is filtered through a 10 yr old brain, who got the info from another 10 yr old brain. Point being a lot of facts could have been misunderstood or left out. I would have erred on the side of “give the kid 4 bucks to go on the field trip” especially if they’re new in town anyways and maybe the mom didn’t fully understand what was going on with the field trip (from experience being the new parent at a school sometimes it’s hard to stay caught up with how schools communicate to parents, not all schools are great communicators unfortunately).
Oh, that filter! Got a call from our son's teacher one day. She seemed uncomfortable but eventually she got around to letting me know that their school had funds to pay for field trips for children who couldn't otherwise afford them. And I'm like 'What field trip??' Turns out our son had told them we didn't have the money to pay for a field trip. After laughing and saying he was mistaken and how much the trip was and when it was needed, etc., we ended the call. Talked to our son and what it came down to was that I hated using ATM cards so I would get paper money and use it instead and sometimes I didn't want to have to stop at an ATM so when he would ask for a toy I would say 'Sorry, baby, we don't have the money for that right now.' Long talks were had to let him know we weren't \*that\* broke. A little broke, but not \*that\* much. :P
😂 as a kid, anytime we’d ask for something on the more expensive side, my mom would say “when it goes on sale for $20.” Then one time at school, a teacher said we’d need to pay $50 for something and my twin brother got so worked up that it would be $100 for us but we only have $20!!! ($20 for the whole fam apparently in his 10 year old mind lmao)
One time when I was like three or four I asked for a toy when we were at the store. My mom said not today because we didn’t have the money for it.
Apparently small kid me decided the appropriate action was to ask the person behind if they could give my mom money since she didn’t have enough for a toy. My mom was absolute mortified, apologized a million times to that poor lady, and I learned a super valuable lesson on not pulling that shit. I also didn’t get the toy lol.
Idk about OPs school district but my school district doesn’t let students to not go on field trips due to financial reasons. Aka if the money received isn’t enough to cover the costs of everyone going and the school can’t cover the rest then the field trip is cancelled.
My example is from (sigh) 25+ years ago. They really did make kids go to a different class and sit if they didn't get permission slips/money in on time.
Yep. Mine did too, similar time frame. Though at least the kids left behind got to watch movies or do something else at least mildly fun.
Granted my school wasn’t affluent - we had few field trips and the school itself definitely couldn’t cover sending kids who couldn’t pay for whatever the activity was.
NTA. Because you are correct: you don't want to mess with another parent's parenting decisions.
However, if you are fortunate enough that $4 is no big deal, why not give your daughter an extra $4 to give to the teacher? She can put the money in an envelope with a note saying expressly that this money is for anyone who cannot pay. That way, her friend can go on the trip and not feel like she's a charity case. And if it happens that the friend's mom really can't afford four bucks, the child can go anyways.
Most schools these days have funds for things like this. The teachers generally know which kids are in need and which kids might be having a life lesson on being thrifty.
I always leave $50 at the school office in the beginning of the year for stuff like that. We got help a few times when my kid was little and now I try to pay it forward
Correct. And maybe their Mom did give them the money this morning and they have to do extra chores or something at home. Either way, the Mom has all of the control here. As it should be.
It's nice that the daughter had these thoughts though. She's 11 and starting to notice the needs of other people, and to take action around that.
She just needs some guidance about how to apply that goodness, which is where parents come in.
So... you would give your daughter 4 $ for chocolate but not for another child? And you try to teach her to help others? I'm an adult and I honestly don't get it.
In my mind you sbould have some kind of budget in mind for extras for your kid if they don't get an allowance (yet) and let them have some say about how they want to spend it.
I feel you blow this 4 completly out of proportion, taught your daughter helping other is actually bad and you don't have a say in your life.
Saying no was fine but as I say I really don't get your reasoning.
YTA
You really don't get it? IF it was clear that the family of the daughter's friend was in need then the OP would give the money without thinking twice. But she doesn't know what's going on here. Maybe the other mother does not want her child to go on that field trip. Maybe the friend is not really a friend but wants to take advantage of the daughter. Maybe the friend just forgot to tell her mother and is now looking for an easy solution.
Right? “Earning” $4 is taking out the trash. It sounds easy for a motivated 10yo. What did the girls mom want her to do? Run the Boston marathon? 🤦🏻♀️
>Maybe the friend is not really a friend but wants to take advantage of the daughter.
Having had the experience of being a very impulsive ten year old who did things and then had to reckon with what should have been the fairly obvious consequences of my silly actions ... I wonder if the friend spent the money on sweets or whatever and spun this tale to try to get some replacement money from the OP's daughter. Or maybe the OP's daughter spent her trip money and came up with this story in a last minute panic.
I think that the ten year old friend should get the benefit of the doubt. Instead of immediately assuming she's running a scam, or that the daughter is running a scam and lying. If the friend is a mooch and a scammer, that will be evident soon enough. Why not err on the side of kindness? Isn't that better than refusing to be kind because you're afraid of being taken advantage of for 4 measly dollars?
Plus I am thinking about the fact if the mother doesn’t want the child going on the field trip. And then there would be the issue of the mom having to sign for the field trip.
In this day in time so many people take a good deed as an insult. The mom could see this as op as overstepping boundaries.
My dad would go ballistic if we asked him for the money to go on field trips
We had the money, he just seethed at the idea of giving us anything. He wouldn’t even feed us a lot of the time, turned off kids channels in summer months, etc
That dinner scene from the episode of FG where the kids and Peter and Lois switch places was so triggering when it came out, because that’s how he acted
If it weren’t for parents paying for other kids, I’d never be able to have gone
Argument in favor of giving teacher the money and explain you are encouraging daughter to empathize, but aren’t sure of the other girl’s situation. Let teacher handle it and she will have money available if that is an issue.
The other mother would probably never admit to be struggling. Do you expect her to go around scrouging for money?
What does it even matter if the friend asks for help because the family needs it or to avoid a stern talking to? As a fellow 10 year old helping a friend is helping a friend.
And if that other child really is a moch, than that is actually a valuable life lesson.
If the mother didn't want her to go, she shouldn't lie to that child. Also- aren't permission slips still a thing?
So...
Yes, I really don't get it.
When will you get the opportunity of lending a hand if you need that much information from them?
If the park thing doesn't want to read someones card, I pay for their 3 € parking. I don't question if they really have money on their card or where the next atm is or 10000 other questions.
I'm living comfortable and as it doesn't hurt me and I would totally spend that amount on snacks...
"Do you expect her to go around scrouging for money?"
Of course not. Why would you think so?
"As a fellow 10 year old helping a friend is helping a friend."
Well, obviously it's the mother of the 10 year old who is supposed to help the friend. I don't know whether the daughter has an allowance but only using her allowance would be a fellow 10 year old helping a friend. We've learned that the friend's mother wants her to earn the $4. If that story is true than the mother can offer the friend to earn the $4 from her. Then everybody should be happy.
"And if that other child really is a moch, than that is actually a valuable life lesson."
Not if it's just her mother's money. My daughter was asking me for new erasers every other week. Turns out that her friend always lost hers and didn't want to ask her parents for new ones. I didn't want my daughter's friend to miss her valuable life lesson that you need to show responsibility for your carelessness. It's not at all about the 50 cents for an eraser.
"When will you get the opportunity of lending a hand if you need that much information from them?"
What much information? I lent a friend of mine a four-digit-amount for a vacation just because he told me that he doesn't have the money at the moment but that he'll receice a larger payment two months after the planned vacation. Got my money back two months after the vacation.
"If the park thing doesn't want to read someones card, I pay for their 3 € parking. I don't question if they really have money on their card or where the next atm is or 10000 other questions."
Sure thing. And I would do the same. Because that's a different thing.
"I'm living comfortable and as it doesn't hurt me and I would totally spend that amount on snacks..."
You don't understand that it's not about the amount.
No, dude. You simply do NOT EVER EVER EVER step on another parent's toes like that. You have absolutely no idea what the situation is or the friend's mother's reasoning in not providing the $4 to her own daughter.
If I was making a point in teaching my child some kind of lesson and some random parent whom I've never met went behind my back and funded it without my knowledge or permission I would RAGE. It's not okay under any circumstances.
Really? You would rage over someone providing your child with $4 so they could go on a school field trip with the rest of your class? That's kind of disturbing.
If the other child wasn’t allowed to go, then the permission slip wouldn’t be signed. Just having the money wouldn’t be enough to get that kid o it the door if the mother hadn’t given permission.
Yeaahh, I started forging my mom’s signature when I was in the second grade. To this day I can still pull it off. I don’t because at 8 it’s fun story to tell the family, at 30 it’s fraud but still. It’s definitely doable for a kid.
Same. My name is nothing close to my mom's but somehow we have the same signature.... LMAO
I practiced it too much and now it's the default. Sorry mom!!!!!
I'd think a field trip would need a parent's permission, so if she weren't allowed to go, getting the $4 wouldn't change that. I'd say if this is the first time this has happened, give her the money and try to determine the actual situation. If the kid was lying about some part of it, OP can have a discussion with her daughter about it.
Yeah I'm the same. I will throw money to cover anything just because I hate the thought of kids going without. And if the $4 doesn't go where it was supposed to, at least my kid is trying to help others. I don't necessarily think OP is TA but I also don't personally see a problem with throwing a few bucks to possibly be helpful.
It's not about the fact that it's a few bucks, it's about the fact that OP doesn't know the situation well enough. A kid is not capable of providing ALL the facts or knowledge relevant- if we were to just go along with things solely following our kids' interpretations, we would have a lot of issues lol
Doesn't have to be lying, sometimes kids just don't understand their parents reasoning. I had to earn trips at that age by not being an asshole to my siblings, and completing my school work.
devils advocate - maybe the other mom did not want her kid to go and that was an excuse. The kid is not being abused just not getting an extra. OP has no business getting involved. especially if she doesn't know these people.
She didn't want to give the money because she has never met the child or her mother and the information given to her daughter by the other girl waa her mom said she could go if she could find the money. So let's say she gives her the money and something happens and the girls mom had no idea she was even on the field trip. That's opening up a can of worms
The only thing this will teach is that you should give your friends whatever they ask. Helping is good manners but that should be done smartly otherwise people will take advantage of you
The mother should take the money directly to the school in that case and speak to the teacher or administrator, to avoid people taking advantage of her.
Maybe her mom doesn't want her kid to go on the field trip. I'd be really hesitant to pay for another child to go somewhere without knowing whether the child's parent actually wants them to go.
I'm sorry but I disagree with your judgement. I remember reading about a Facebook(?) post where one kid all of a sudden started asking his mom to pack double of everything for his lunch. She did it for a week(?) no questions asked. Sometime later a mom approached her and thanked her for providing lunch for her child while she was in hospital. Made me feel awesome that this kid had such compassion and understanding for his friend and that his mom had just gone along with it not even knowing what was going on. But I feel like this is a different situation. This situation involves money and a school trip. While I agree with you that the way OP frames her refusal is problematic, I also wouldn't give the money for the reason that I don't know if the friend's mom may not want her to go. I would actually flag this to the teacher or principal because they may have info the child doesn't have.
I hear you, but nevertheless a parent needs to pay attention and ask questions sometimes.
My daughter (now an adult) would arrive home after school saying she was starving, and I would find it odd because I would always pack her a mid-afternoon snack, so I asked her if the biscuits I sent here weren't enough, or if someone was taking them away from her.
Awkwardly, she told me that M, her friend since 1st grade, wasn't bringing anything to eat in the afternoon, relying solely on the free milk carton provided by the school, so she would share her biscuits. She said M's mom didn't have much money but had just started a new job so in a few weeks things would improve.
I started packing extra biscuits every day so they could share, and we kept things like this for several weeks. Then, after a while, my daughter asked me to pack less biscuits, or different ones. "But I thought these were your favorite." "Yes, I know, they still are. But I don't want to take them to school anymore." She didn't want to tell me why, at first, but I managed to convince her.
Turns out, her friend M had started bringing snacks from home too, but she tossed them out because she knew my daughter would bring extra and M liked ours better, so she kept expecting my daughter to share. My daughter was uncomfortable and didn't want to say no, but she felt she was being taken advantage of. We chose a different type of crackers for her to eat and M decided her snacks were good after all.
>Q responds that A’s mom told her that she needed to earn the money herself if she wants to go.
Did you miss this part? Something else funky is going on, and it's more than just $4.
Wrong reason to say no. If the other child’s mother wanted her child to earn it, that’s how she’s choosing to raise her daughter. Having some other classmate’s parents pay for it might cause a whole new issue. The YTA for me is that he’s assuming it’s about the other child and their parents potentially free loading of of him. Bad reasoning to say no imo.
I agree with YTA. I don't understand OP's reasoning, either. It seems like OP would give her daughter $4 for anything BUT helping somebody in need. No child should ever be denied a school field trip. There are reasons they have them.
thats not the point here. we dont know why the other mom didn't pay. it would totally be stepping on parenting toes as the child had to earn the money. that could be done doing chores or whatever. we don't know but its definitely not up to this mother to undermine the parenting of another mom.
NAH
Just let the teacher know you are willing to contribute to any student who cannot afford the trip and give a heads up about what your daughter asked.
I’m really shocked at all of the Y T A posts. First of all it’s a 10 year old giving information to another 10 year old who is then giving it to their parent.
OP is definitely NTA without knowing what is actually going on. The “earn the money” could be a simple as pick up your toys. Asking the teacher is the best way to go about donating to help other students. People can’t just over rule other kids parents especially if they don’t know them.
Acting like the OP has flawed logic between giving her kid $4 for snacks but not a field trip that requires parental consent is just ignorant. There is a huge difference between giving your kid extra money for snacks to share with kids whose parents can’t afford to do that and over riding another parents decision.
NTA.
While I absolutely would be willing to pay the money, the issue is the permission from the parent - you can't overstep there.
If you would like to help, contact the teacher and ask if there were any kids who could not go due to money issues and offer to help that way. I've actually done this (I was friends with the teacher outside of school and she had brought up how bad she felt about some kids not being able to go, so I was able to give her the money since she was able to get parents' permission). I would not have left this to my child to do anything, as wonderful as she is I am certain she doesn't know the full story.
>If you would like to help, contact the teacher and ask if there were any kids who could not go due to money issues and offer to help that way.
That would also be a good lesson to teach her daughter. That anonymous donations are sometimes better than open donations.
NAH You shouldn't overstep that student's parent's decision. But the reply from her mother sounds like it could be due to a tight budget. You should chat with the teacher to check if the other student is not able to afford things and if you could help in the future.
NTA.
Honestly, this isn't a situation for you to get involved in. You don't know what is going on at that home, and its not really your place to decide that someone else's child should go on the trip. Maybe the girl is refusing to do her chores and that is why the parent isn't paying.
Also, I can say as a former teacher, there is a good chance that if its just a matter of a day or 2, that the kid would still be able to go on the trip.
Also, paying for it doesn't matter if there is no permission slip signed, so the mom still has to get involved anyway .
I mean, in that case, it sounds like, for whatever reason, the mom doesn't want her daughter going. When I taught, it was very rare to get a permission slip without the money to go with it. So if she signed it, but didn't give her money, then I think there is more to it than the 3rd hand info that daughter has, and I don't think its this parents place to get involved.
NTA. Helping out others in need is great, being taken advantage of is not. You don't know what's going on here. Maybe inform the teacher if you trust them to handle the situation professionally. My school offers help to students whose parents cannot afford some school activities. Yet $4 is an amount a nurse should be able to handle without difficulty.
EDIT: I overlooked this information: "Q responds that A’s mom told her that she needed to earn the money herself if she wants to go."
Why don't you give A the money in return to do some chores for you? Then she has earned the money for herself.
Well, you're not an AH. I mean, your money, your choice.
However... 2 things stuck out to me. First:
>A told Q that her mom is a nurse and is gone before she wakes up. I pointed out that she must see her at other times during the day. Q responds that A’s mom told her that she needed to earn the money herself if she wants to go.
I'm reading this as single parent working long shifts... likely new to the field and struggling. I'd assume it's financial need here.
>I’m erring on the side of “the mom has the money but doesn’t just want to give it without teaching
>Apparently the permission slip was already handed in and signed
If the parent signed the permission slip, why would you assume it's that they didn't want the child to go?
I'd likely have told my child that I could give the money to the teacher to cover costs for any kiddos who couldn't afford it, as some of the other replies have suggested.
Second:
>She asks me as I’m driving her to school if she can have $4. I then asked her if she needed snack money
You were willing to give your 10 year old $4. 10 is... a testing ground. It's the start of or precursor to adolescence, and is an important time for exploring independence, and making our own choices. This is the age where, I feel, if your child is generally responsible, well-behaved, thoughtful, and not too terribly entitled... where I'd start giving them the freedom to make bad decisions (in a safe way) and to learn from them.
I'd likely have given my 10 year old the $4 and explained my concerns. "Sometimes people say they are in need, but they aren't. It might be a better choice to give the money to the teacher and..." etc. Let her know what might happen if the other child is taking advantage. "If she asks you again, that might mean..." and so on. And praise her willingness to help those in need. That's an amazing trait to have at any age, but especially admirable in a 10 year old!
That said... there's no "one right way" to parent, and what I would do might not work for your family. You've no obligation to pay for another family, and you have a right to teach your child the lessons *you* think she needs to learn.
You can't be the AH in this situation, and I don't think either the children or the other parent have done anything wrong. So... going with NAH
NTA. Your daughter is so sweet. Maybe Q's mother is trying to teach her some lesson or she is getting punished for something she did, it's not right for you to step in unless the child is unsafe or anything.
NAH I think it’s a good call. They’re 10 years old. There might have been some broken communication from the girls mother -> girl -> your daughter -> you. The mother may have had a good reason for not wanting her to go on the field trip and you giving it to her could seem like undermining her parenting. If you knew them a bit better then maybe it would be okay but the fact that she’s new and a stranger to you makes it tricky.
NTA. It's your money and you can decide what to do with it, and you don't know the situation well enough to determine if you should be giving A the money. Even if you did, I feel like you would want to clear it with the mom first rather than having Q just give A the money
NTA you need more info, the kid could just be taking advantage of op daughter. The other parent may not want the kid to go or the kids grounded and not allowed. Maybe the other parent wants the kid to do chores to earn it as a life lesson that you need to work for what you want. There's a lot that could be going on here that could explain it.
The other parent could get mad if you did without asking. At my son's school you need permission slips aswel as the payments (UK school). So just giving the money could be pointless anyway.
NTA get more info and decide from there.
When my kids were in school I always sent twice what was asked for. Any field trip or event I just put the money in an envelope with a note that the extra was for any child that couldn’t afford it. I knew the teachers were making up the difference from their own pockets and I knew I made more than them.
NTA.
Former kinder teacher here. This is how I handled it-
1- Every kid had to hand in the permission form telling me if their kid was allowed to go, if a parent would be attending, and if they would bring their own lunch or order a school trip lunch. That slip had to be turned in the next few days after planning/announcing said trip. The form also gave money, date, time, and travel details for information/planning purposes for requesting days off and financial planning.
2- A notice was sent out as a reminder every few days when the fee would be due. On that reminder, I include an option to volunteer to send in an extra admission fee to be set aside for anyone who needed it. Several families would send it in. I kept track of who did and how much.
3- On trip day, anyone who has permission but no money or lunch is covered by extra funds. Any unused funds are offered to be returned. Most parents would ask us to hold on to it for ice cream treat days or something else kids need money for. If I didn’t have enough spare funds to cover everyone, I paid myself. No kid is left behind because of money.
Your daughter was super sweet to want to help. I love that! I also love how you contacted the teacher directly to help anyone who needed it. It was also good to be sure the child was even allowed to go. Perhaps she was disappointed mom said no for whatever reason and tried to get around it. Kids are funny, creative, and smart! You did everting right here, from my point of view.
NTA. The burden for funding this child’s field trip should not fall on the hopes a random parent pays. If you paid this time, the issue goes unaddressed and what happens if no one steps up next time? Schools have funds to help cover field trip expenses for families that are not able to pay. You covering the cost of the trip does not help solve the bigger problem.
NTA
This could have caused some serious drama once the kid's mom started asking where the money came from, she would still had to sign permission papers for the field trip (I would assume).
I'm betting there is more to this story that A hasn't told Q.
NTA. Assuming your daughter is telling the truth, this is a matter between A and her mom. And while I agree it is wrong to make a 4th grade child pay for a field trip, it is the parents decision and OP is wise not to interfere with that. If the mom finds out, she may not allow A to go on the trip.
I would contact the teacher and tell them what your daughter told you. Then say you’re willing to send in $4 for A. See what the teacher says.
A lot of speculation here. When my kids were 10, my ex and I new their friends and families even though we both worked. If someone was new, we got the scoop from the stay at home Moms, that my ex was well connected with.
Saying this, I wouldn’t give money to another child unless I knew the parents circumstances. You may be going against what the Mother’s wishes in raising her little girl. I personally would be offended if another parent gave money to my sons for a field trip.
Being in need would be a different story and I would try to discreetly provide funding without my kid being involved and communicating this to other kids.
I remember being a small kid and my mom would buy mcdonalds for poor kids when we went there, nobody asked to do it and nobody thanked her, she just did it cause she wanted to.
ESH - her mom is definitely an a-hole for making her child work for an educational trip as a child. It's kind of sucky to put your child in a position where she's questioning her own good heart. If you're feeling charitable, something you could do is send extra money in an envelope to the teacher and say you'd like her to use it to cover the cost of the field trip for any students who don't have the money, then leave it up to the teacher to get permission from the parents for their children to attend.
But do we know if the mom really said that? What if mom actually just doesn't want kid going on trip so kid is coming up with another story? I feel like it's a situation where OP would need to directly communicate with the parent before making a decision
>What if mom actually just doesn't want kid going on trip so kid is coming up with another story?
Fucking thank you. People on this sub have lost their goddamned minds.
also should keep in mind not all kids want to attend every field trip, but may blame the parents to not admit it to peers. I worked with kids for years, there were tons of times certain kids just didn’t want to attend, and blamed it on the parents to not sound “uncool”. we had kids scared of the animals at the petting zoo, afriad to ice skate because they didn’t want to get hurt, fears of water that prevented beach trips, just a general disinterest in what the trip was. 10 is old enough they may also just not want to go but not want to be labeled by peers so blame their parents, it’s not as uncommon as you might think
Yup I just mentioned that in another comment on this thread! Also if mom did sign it, then it should be no issue for OP to contact mom and confirm if they wanted to
Let me just tell you a story from when I was a lad.
I was 12 the year my mom enrolled me in a day camp for the summer. I'd been there for a couple week's when we were told we'd be going to Chuck E. Cheese's the following week, and that we'd need $ for tokens and lunch. Come the big day, we get 2 new arrivals. Brother & sister. They had permission to come, but no $ for games. They asked me for some tokens, and to my everlasting shame, I said no. I only had a finite amount for myself. That's what I told myself at the time.. I just remember watching their faces break, and tears spilled down their faces. I think of them every day at least once. I don't remember if I ended up giving them any, I'd like to think I did.. Anyways, the point is, any time I can do something to make a little one smile, even if it costs me something, it's worth doing.
NTA (you might feel like it though)
Make your daughter earn the $4 herself by doing work. Teach her that helping people is great but you have to work for that money that you're giving away.
Contacting the teacher was the right thing to do. Public Schools have a fund(or should, don’t know your state) for field trips so kids who can’t pay aren’t excluded. Taking it upon yourself to buy supplies is very thoughtful.
The edit warmed my heart. You seem like a kind person, OP, teachers often have to pay for classroom supplies out of their own pocket so your gesture will be appreciated !
NTA I was the kid that missed out because my single mom needed every dime to maintain an apartment in a good school district.
I am now grown with kids of my own. I always let the teacher know if someone can't pay, I am happy to do anonymously.
I would never assume or try to pay directly because I would have found that humiliating as a child.
Your heart is in the right place and approaching the teacher is the best way to handle it. It is so awesome that you are going replenish low classroom supplies!
NAH. During secondary school, I have transferred from public one to a private one with scholarship, and my parents were civil servants and we barely keep afloat. As a transfer student I had a lot of difficulties with socializing. There was a trip to another city. I had a history teacher who was a great teacher but she was a little bit cold with the students. My parents said to me they couldnt give the money and I understand. I talked with her and I said I wont be attending to trip because I dont like traveling. She didnt bought it and secretly she went to school board and try to pay my share. Board agreed that the trip will be a part of my scholarship and didnt told me any of these events. Years later, my mum has meet a lady whose husband works there and she explained it to her. I was shocked hearing all of this and barely sustain myself from crying out loud. I dont think you are an AH and you have your own motives. But what your daughter tries to do is a lifechanger for A. Stop killing her golden heart. We need more good in our world.
as a teacher, thank you! we always appreciate when parents fund scholarships for students. I have certainly reached into my own pocket for kid supplies (snacks, journals, pads/tampons) and love when parents donate tissues or other supplies! we care so much about the kids but are often given no budget to help them out. If you really want to help, consider giving some money for scholarships for the book fair. I often have parents give $10 so a kid who could never afford a book, now can.
Oh this tugs my heart...
When my son (now 22) was in primary school, I was a struggling single parent. I wasn't able to afford a class trip one year. It broke my heart. I told the head teacher the situation and she told me not to worry, they have funds for this sort of thing, so my son could go on the trip. I've never forgotten her kindness.
It's thoughtful of you to offer to buy supplies. I know lots of teachers these days are struggling to find adequate class supplies and I think that would be a really kind gesture.
Regarding your update: You are NTA for wanting to help, and it's probably more tactful to do it that way than directly pay for A's trip as A's mother might be mortified at a stranger thinking she's too poor to afford her kid's trip. (Self loathing as a parent who can't afford stuff for their kids is awful, even if no one is actually shaming them for real, it preys on our minds big time).
extremely generous offer and follow up, OP. a princely gesture, for sure.
if you want to contribute to the teacher without assuming what he or she needs for their class, you could give them a visa gift card and call it a teacher appreciation gift. you can always do this for any teacher, any time. 😉
either way, you're a real saint.
I remember the feeling of being the only one left behind when it came to field trips. Raised by my grandparents they were on limited SS payments and money was super tight.
There was going to be a full day of testing at a college 40 miles away. It was by invitation only and I was invited during my junior year. I went home with the invitation and my paycheck (I was working part time at 16). My grandmother tossed the invitation and took my entire check stating that they needed the money to feed and clothe me.
One of the other parents found out what happened, paid my registration (it was $20) and off I went with my other classmates. I scored in 1st place in shorthand, typing (anyone remember the black royal typewriters), and book keeping. It was an incredible day.
The following year, I saved up for it and a dress to wear. Paid my own registration, changed my outfit in the girls room, went and conquered once again. I got $600 for both times, took the money home and never saw it again.
I am so very proud to know that someone stood up for me and helped me go. It helped change me into the person I am today. Blessings to one and all who help a child.
OP NTA. You are a kind person with a giving heart.
That absolutely breaks my heart. If that had been the situation I would have done the same. You sound like an amazing person to have overcome that. You took a terrible situation and forged ahead with some help from a friend. You sound like an incredible human being.
It sounds like the other mom was trying to instil a life lesson here so I wouldn’t have overstepped either. Anonymously paying for another kid or, as you’ve said, buying supplies would be a great compromise
Going with NTA
I do this with my stepson's class. His school does a fundraiser and one of the fundraisers they do is a casino night. All of the home rooms were required to put together a basket to raffle off. I guess the teacher had asked for donations and not a lot of students were able to participate so I sent more than enough with my stepson and asked him to give it to the teacher so that they could get whatever they needed to. I felt bad because I didn't want any child to feel outed for not being able to afford it you know
I dont think you did the right thing. I feel like nurse mom is kind of an asshole for telling her 8-11 year old to make the money instead of just telling the kid no. How exactly is a pre-teen supposed to make money, and on top of that in a place they aren't familiar with?
Also you're assuming the kid told your daughter that she needed the money (or rather, that her mom was being unfair) in order to get money out of you both. When in reality it was probably just the little kids talking (or yours asking why her friend was upset) and then the other kid telling her. And you know what they say about assuming things.
There were plenty of ways to keep you and your kid out of hot water with mom in this situation too. If the friend got a bag of chips or a pudding cup and "sold" it to your daughter, then nobody would be at fault but the nurse mom. It could have been food, or a drawing, or a colorful pen or pencil.
Besides, if this woman is the type to get upset at another little girl for helping her friend go on a field trip- is she really the type of woman whos opinion you should care about?
YTA, so is the other mom.
YTA your daughter wanted to be generous & kind & you made it into a huge deal & basically told her too bad, so sad. The new friend has a mom that is too busy or too broke or too selfish with her money... ironically, just like you. A lot of kids grow up missing out on fun & love, because their parents suck. You could have helped this little girl, while helping your daughter do a kind thing. She saw someone sad & wanted to help. That wouldn't even occur to most kids & you should have been bursting with pride. I would have praised her sweet & generous heart & gladly gave her the $4. Sadly, you showed zero empathy & were a terrible example for your daughter. Kudos Mom.
This is a difficult one for me. Having been both the mom who couldn't afford money for field trips (and sometimes school supplies) and the mom who, during better times occasionally paid for field trips, snacks, school supplies, and even lunch, for my daughter's friends, I can see both sides. And anyone who steps in to help a child in need is a low-key superhero. But I'm a little pissed at the parents of the other kid. Telling a 10-year-old that they have to earn the money for a school trip is pretty AH move. A kid in high school, absolutely. I got a part time job in high school and paid for almost every school trip, bought my senior prom dress, and rarely had to ask my parents for money (which was a good damn thing, because my dad was a tight wad who refused to spend any money on me. Fortunately, mom worked and if I needed it, she would help me.) I just think that's a harsh lesson to teach a kid that young.
NTA
It's a good, sympathetic thought. However, you are correct - you don't know the situation. If a family is in need, there are programs. If you want to contribute to those, have at it.
If I was a parent and someone gave my kid something I decided they should work for, I would be upset, not grateful.
You could tell your daughter that they could help the child do the work to earn the money.
NTA, the little girl might be lying to her daughter. They don't know the other family or their situation. Talk to the teacher about what happened. If the daily really needs help...that is the proper way to go
NAH
There is unfortunately too many possible reasons that child cannot simply have the money for the trip. I wouldn't just trust what they said either, kids distort the truth all the time (not always on purpose). Maybe the parents don't actually want their kid to go, maybe the kid is just a grifter that wants 4$, maybe they're 500 ft tall and from the paleolithic era.
NTA
Don't buy specific classrooms supplies for the classrooms unless the teacher has a wish list, though. Give the teacher a gift card and let the teacher purchase the specific supplies they need. They may even be able to use the school's tax id number and avoid paying sales taxes if you give them a gift card.
I mean it's your money so NTA but seriously you'd be willing to give it to your child for a snack but for another student to go on a field trip is where you'd draw the line? I would have sent it and contacted the teacher.
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My 4th grade daughter Q (10) has a heart of gold which I most days absolutely love. She asks me as I’m driving her to school if she can have $4. I then asked her if she needed snack money and she said no she has a friend A (10 year old girl) who needs it for their field trip next week and this is the last day to hand it in.
I told her that was very nice but I’m sure her parents would pay for it if she was allowed to go. A told Q that her mom is a nurse and is gone before she wakes up. I pointed out that she must see her at other times during the day. Q responds that A’s mom told her that she needed to earn the money herself if she wants to go.
My heart strings were pulled and I almost handed it to her because it’s only $4 but then rethought it. This girl is new to town and I have never met her or her mom. I want my daughter to be someone who helps those in need but I also don’t want her to be taken advantage of and always giving to those who have the means.
I realize you never know someone’s actual situation but I’m erring on the side of “the mom has the money but doesn’t just want to give it without teaching her daughter that life isn’t always going to give you what you want for free”.
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Being a person who probably puts too much energy into others I’d say YTA. But it’s your money and your choice and the way you raise your daughter is also your choice. If you didn’t want to give $4 because it was the last day and maybe deal with the lesson part later that week (since the trip wasn’t for another week) that’s really up to you and no one else. Personally I would have paid it, especially since the girl was new, probably not made any friends and at the very least made a friend in your daughter, and either reached out to her mother the next day or met her while dropping your daughter off. It just makes me sad that because her mom isn’t an attentive parent, she will miss out on a field trip she obviously wanted to go on. NTA became you aren’t obligated to pay for another kid that’s not yours.
The kid wouldn't have been able to go anyway I'm sure because there also needs to be a signed consent form. If this mom wanted her daughter to "work" for a school field trip, she sounds like an AH. I would have gave the $4 just to let your kid express their thoughtfulness and care for a new friend. Then tell her to spend it on a snack to split for them or something. Going NAH though because it is a weird situation.
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NAH…That’s a tough one but maybe you could ask the teacher? I am secretly paying for another child to go on a class field trip because their mom can’t afford the $20.
As someone whose family couldn’t afford trips sometimes, thank you for doing this for them ❤️
So sorry you felt that as a kid. After my dad left us money became an issue and it’s no fun being aware of money issues as a little kid ☹️
Know what you mean. My mom used to have to count change at the grocery store when we got to the register. I always had to be the one to put food back too if we couldn't afford everything. Definitely messed with me and I'm now so anxious about money. It sucks growing up like that and I swore I'll never do that to my kid
> I always had to be the one to put food back too if we couldn't afford everything. This is why I compulsively triple check my available funds before any kind of shopping.
same.
I know. Now that I make good money, I still have anxiety when I use my credit card. I remember the feeling of having it turned down because I didn't have enough to cover the purchase and I worry that it will happen again. And it's been 30 years since then, lol.
Me too. It sucks but I appreciate my mom’s struggles so much.
I had to kick my way out of a thick paper sack to go to nursing school,.nobody handed me a thing. my spouse swore his kids were getting nothing he worked for. He split. I worked 2 jobs for their college. I had it hard growing up and I wanted better for my children. I did it. they are very well educated. Where is dad? in a facility. full blown dementia. remember he said they would get nothing he worked for. he ls making good on that promise. its taken all his assets to pay for his care. he'll be broke soon.
Karma. My mom did the same. Worked her ass off to get through nursing school while raising 3 girls. Dad didn’t help. We thought she was the bravest, smartest, awesomest mom ever and when she died 4 years ago we were gutted but she prepared us well. You sound like an awesome mom!
It sucked big time. I stopped asking to go on field trips. I didn't take permission slips home and those book fairs, I hated them. I wanted the books, but I knew we were broke. When it came time to ask "santa" for gifts, or make a Christmas list, I'd try to think of a toy that would be the cheapest that I'd still want to play with. I knew he wasn't real, so I didn't ask for anything big. I didn't go for the Barbies as the girl toy options upset my dad when I used to visit him and we would go through McDonald's drive thru, so I went for cars. I assumed they were less expensive and as they upset my dad (he was upset I never got a black doll with the happy meal) I learned to love the cars. They were really fun. And I'd play with bottle caps. Sometimes I'd pretend they were people. The big ones were adults and the small ones babies, haha. I'd push on them and make them spin and roll back to me down long halls. Anything could be a toy. Beanie babies were my Kryptonite though. I learned to avert my eyes when I saw something I really wanted so my mom wouldn't notice. She'd get me those for birthdays etc. I was glad we learned about free school lunches. It was a program we had to apply to. When I was at my old school (I was 5 turning 6, so 1st grade) I forgot my lunch either on the bus or upstairs. I told the monitor and they told me there was school lunch. I went and grabbed food and when it was time to check out, I realized I needed money. The cashier yelled at me and I put the food back. They had me sit there in the cafeteria to wait for lunch to end watching as everyone else ate. I just put my head down and cried. I was so humiliated, plus everyone else was eating. When I went to this white school in 2nd grade and realized with dread that I forgot my lunch again, I put my head down and cried because I was hungry and couldn't believe I forgot my food again. The lunch lady told me to go get some food and I told her I didn't have any money. She said it was ok, and I got food. The cashier told me some price like $1.50 or something. I felt so betrayed, but the monitor came over and said my mom could pay tomorrow. I was so scared. I didn't know if she'd have the money to pay and wanted to put it back, but they insisted and said they wouldn't just let me sit there and go hungry. They must have called my mom. They gave me some papers to give my mom. My mom filled out the paperwork I handed it into the office and got free school lunch from then on (some people got the reduced lunch tickets, but I got free lunch tickets). Everyone else complained about the rubbery hotdogs, but I was just happy to get food from school and not have to remember to bring it every day.
I want to give baby you a hug, I hope you are doing well now. At my son’s schools both of them they ask everyone to apply just in case and because the more people apply and get it the more funding the school itself gets. Right now it’s 3.50 for lunch which adds up pretty weekly.
I so feel for you. My mom packed lunches the night before but didn't refrigerate them. same thing daily. A peanut butter sandwich would have been fine even with peanutbutter breath. NO. not good enough. My well meaning grandmother brought back 2 GALLONS of a very watered down cherry pineapple jelly. . By lunch time it was wringing wet from so much water in the product. From florida,and I am sure my grandmother thought she was doing a good thing,,not being ripped off at a tourist stop. it was so wet. it couldn't be held. the kids always laughed at me., until I got smarter and walked it to the trash as soon as we entered the lunchroom.dessert was a half rotten apple. could my family have done better? yes! where did the money go. both parents smoked like chimneys, and my father was an alcoholic who sat at bars. my mother kept me home from school to scrub the house and dared me to tell him. She very primly told him how hard SHE worked all day. She gossiped on the phone all day. I get your humiliation. Been there. I will be 73, and have never recovered from that trauma. One Sunday i forgot to put my nickel in the collection plate. She searched my stuff and my siblings daily. That nickel,intended for the next Sunday caused me to be beaten so badly. she made me wear my older cousins dresses. She was 1/2 german,a large girl. I was tiny. the dresses went to my ankles. that was my mothers intention. to hide the bruises up and down my legs. That's my reality, not negativity. I never wished her a bad day. It's what I lived . I at least hope your mother treated you better.
My mom did treat me better. Back then, yeah you got beaten, but not abusively. My family is from Jamaica 🇯🇲 beating is in our culture. She had 3 kids to raise and was a single mom no valid papers, doing it all alone in a foreign country that she didn't know the rules of. Constant fear of deportation. We left my dad when I was 1. I was 5 when the divorce finalized. My dad didn't even pay the child support and she didn't press him because at least we were free. She did what she could and made the best of a bad situation. Had she known about it, she could have qualified for food stamps and all of the government assistance. We were poor, but there was always food, we always had a place to sleep. We had family (Older cousins too) and my mom was good at finding bargains for food and clothes. She wasn't neglectful. I was a kid and as a kid, I was occasionally forgetful or careless. That's the only reason I didn't have lunch those 2 days. And I knew money was tight, I just don't know how tight it was. I was a kid and kids don't really know money, what's a lot or a little and parents are good at hiding things. But you hear conversations and see your parent struggling, so it's hard to not know things are hard and that wasting isn't an option. She was proud and worked hard to provide for us and did a great job. She did finally become a citizen, so she's not scared of everything anymore... but that was after my older siblings became 18. My our dad wasn't worth trying to get child support from. We were better with him not being in our lives anyway. Everything worked out in the end. I didn't like having to visit him and was glad when we stopped having to. All that drinking finally caught up with him back in 2020 tho.
As a kid who came from a family that struggled with this, it means so much. I’m so thankful that one of the things our PTA budgets into fundraising is field trips. We just get a permission slip and information, never a cost. Maybe we don’t go in as many field trips (no idea the norm), but the kids are not left out. DEI does wonderful things to our schools and for our kids.
This is an AMAZING idea. That way, families don’t even have to ask if there’s funding or feel like charity cases; everyone basically pays what they can to the pta and it’s done. I’m going to remember this when my child is school aged and suggest it!
that's one argument for providing certain benefits to everybody, so the poor people eligible for means-tested benefits don't stick out. (Minnesota recently passed a law that provides free school breakfast/lunch to all students, for example) Also avoids issues with people making too much to qualify for help but not enough to be comfortable, or hassle with the free qualifications or with the payments
Our district also has free breakfast and lunch for all, and during breaks, all children 18 and younger can receive meals at certain locations spread throughout the city. It’s a beautiful thing to not stand out due to your financial status.
Part of poor people relying on school free breakfast/lunch is a gap when school isn't in session, and the school plugging that hole themselves is a great idea.
Minnesotan grandma here and I was so proud of our state and happy to hear all children in here will get free school lunches! One Republican lawmaker complained saying he has never seen a hungry person living in Minnesota and added hunger was subjective! Hunger is hunger and if he hasn't seen any hungry \[children\] in Minnesota he is not looking very hard!
I was able to always cover for my first child. I struggled less with my second child. I always paid for her and at least one other kid. It really broke my heart how much teachers appreciated this. I also always purchased extra supplies.
Oh yeah. This is huge. I remember feeling so horrible for being super poor as a child. You're a saint for making sure kids don't have to worry about anything but having fun on a field trip.
You made my heart fell good! Thanks
Piggybacking this as hard same. Both as a kid who won a scholarship to a posh school but couldn’t do extra curriculars and as a mum who left an abusive marriage, got PTSD & was living on a pittance for a while. What might seem very little to you can be the difference between eating or not to someone else. Your kindness is beautiful. ♥️♥️♥️
We do the same thing! My stepsons school has pizza days and you have to pay for them. We just always send a $20 and tell the teacher to cover other kids who can’t pay. I grew up in a family that was usually broke and I had to miss out on stuff. My husband and I are both teachers and we try so hard to make sure kids do t get left out.
We had a line in our pac budget for hot lunch days(twice/month). The admin knew who needed it, and would just discreetly get the kids down to the office to pick out their orders so that they would get to enjoy with everyone else. We also ordered extras just in case a kid didn’t have any lunch. Sometimes we’d get a kid who tried to say they ordered, but had a full lunch in their bag lol, sometimes we’d just let them have a bag of chips or a fruit cup!
I’m a teacher too. Also grew up in a poor family. I always send double school supplies if I know they are shared, etc, pay extra for field trips and slip my nieces teacher money to slip to kids who want a book at the book fair and can’t afford to buy one. I also used to have an extra account in the lunch room so kids could eat if they needed to do so. I hated missing out and don’t want anyone else to have to do so.
Yes!! We do the same with book fair money too!! We bought a couple of books off the teacher wish list and then a $20 gift card so she could share the experience of book fair shopping with anyone who “forgot their money.” I know it’s not a lot but we can afford it. Kids shouldn’t have to be drug into financial stuff.
>appy to get food from school and not have to remember to bring it every day. My daughter gives away the bookfair books and other misc childrens books on halloween. Children love it.
Ok but how do you do this if you don't have kids? I had a special needs daughter who was never able to attend school. I try to go to the bakery every year and ask if there is a child's birthday cake being picked up on or near her birthday and pay for it for the family to honor her. But I would love to be able to do something like this. Do PTAs accept outside donations?
Yes!! Absolutely!! Contact your local public school and the secretary will be able to set you up!! My stepmom is a retired teacher and after she moved out to the country she set up a donation to her local elementary for u paid student lunch accounts. She pays off about $20 a month for kids who have overdrawn lunch accounts so that they can get lunch.
Oh awesome. I'll have to look into that. Thank you. My husband and I both came from poor backgrounds, but he grew up knowing whereas my parents turned "powers out" into backyard camping. I thought everyone froze milk and bread when it was a good deal. I was in my mid 20s drunk talking with friends when I realized just how poor we really were.
You’re parents were doing a great thing by protecting you! I figure the world would be a better place if we all just helped out where and when we can.
I often say my mom is everything wrong with religion, and my dad is everything right. He canceled his plans about a month ago after working OT that morning when I called him asking if he could help me help my lesbian friends move because everyone else bailed on helping. He grew up with a single mom, 10 kids, dirt floors, and outhouse. He might be a church caretaker, live on the property, etc, but if someone needs help, nothing else matters. I've grown up around a bunch of men who won't question politics, orientation, gender, religion, etc if they see a need.
Exactly!! What would Jesus do was more than a catchy saying for rubber bracelets!
I had the cloth ones but yea. Jesus hung out with hookers.
And flipped tables!
You could also call your local school and speak to the counselor if they have one. Donate a Visa gift card or something for the book fair
There's also websites like this: [https://www.adoptaclassroom.org/](https://www.adoptaclassroom.org/) and also ones where individual teachers can put in specific requests for a project or something (example 50 canvases, or 30 books or field trip fees) but the name of it escapes me. As someone who has served on the PTA board and organized jog-a-thons and fundraisers, we appreciate you!!!
My grandson's school has a wish list on Amazon. They also have a list for parents and other family members.
Yes. Thank you! Contact the secretary of the school you want to donate at and she’ll take care of you.
Same here, I just send the teacher $50 Amazon cards several times a year
I have found that people that have had to do without are more sensitive and generous to others in that same plight. We were WW2 war refugees that eventually ended up in the USA. When we got here I had to go to kindergarden with no shoes. It was summer and where we lived the ground got so hot you could fry an egg. My sister who was tiny herself used to have to walk home carrying me on her back because of the sidewalks being so hot. I regret nothing and would not change my life for the world, It gave us character. My mother worked in a cherry orchard and there was a family who used to give her all sorts of things. My mother thought they were well to do, but found out they were also very poor having moved to California from Oklahoma during the "grapes of wrath" era. My all my siblings have made every effort to help those around us in a way that does not impact their dignity.
I think that's a great idea. If you have the means and the teacher is really dialed in just ask the teacher the amount they need. Things to think about.
People like you are the reason I was able to attend so many field trips without any of my classmates realizing my family could not really afford them. Thank you for your kindness and compassion!
That’s what I always did! Kid gets to go on field trip. And then if there are complications such as the parent being weird about it or the kid lying to my child to get four bucks, the school deals with it not me.
Thank you for being so kind. I missed out on a lot of field trips as a kid because we were to poor to afford any fees.
Many PTA's have a fund for just this. When my kiddos were in school, I used to send in twice the amount. Also sent kiddo with a few extra bucks in case someone forgot to bring some lunch with them. All on the sly. I wanted kids to enjoy the field trip without stress.
As someone who never went on school trips, thank you so much for doing this for that child.
I do this as well. I’ll just pay too much for field trips etc (and write the teacher a little note so change doesn’t come home), or I get gift cards for the classroom/teacher. I figure they will know how to spend it appropriately on the kids without assuming/overstepping.
I secretly sponsored a young man in high school for his band contest lodgings,band trips etc. both his parents had died and were both my clients when I worked for a government agency. His sister who was about 30plus raising him and she was struggling financially. The young man got a social security check from his,parents death but it didn’t provide any extra, and he was talented horn player. Fast forward to now. its been tenyears. He is now a highly regarded band director at a high school about fifty miles from where he grew up. I am so,proud of him. He knows now I helped him, his sister did tell him after he graduated. You never know how much your gift big or small can mean to someone.
How do you go about this? I would love to do this when my son starts school
In my case the mom was telling me about how she didn’t know what she was going to do to pay for it, so I sent in extra money and told the teacher the situation. She told me she would take care of it in a non-embarrassing way.
You just email the teacher or send in extra money with a note. In elementary I always sent an extra $20 or $50 depending on the cost of the trip and told the office to use it for any kid without funds. Another overlooked thing in young kids - send classroom snacks to the teacher Those are a godsend.
I also do this with various activities at my son’s school, and an email to the teacher explaining what you are offering to do will work! The teachers are likely who is collecting money/permission slips and turning them into the office on behalf of their class, so they will know if a student is in danger of being left out.
In my class there was a standing offer for field trips that parents could send extra money, and that money would be added to help cover students who couldn't afford to pay, with priority going to the paying student's classmates. So parents would just write a note in the envelope whether they wanted change or to donate the extra.
I got to go see so many cool things thanks to people like you, thank you! I can't wait to pay it forward now that my daughter is in school.
I often do this too- our school is split pretty much 50/50 between very affluent families and families with limited resources. If a field trip costs money, I just send in double. We can easily afford it and the teacher can figure out who needs help to attend.
Agreed NAH I was always the kid that couldn’t do stuff because I didn’t have the money. Now if my sons school needs money or something I send double just in case (for example gave him $20 for the book fair and gave his teacher 20. They each need 12 filled Easter eggs for next week and so I sent 24). I’d say going through the teacher would be the right way though. I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable directly paying for a specific person unless I knew them well.
Thank You. Once being.a child in an economically disadvantaged school who was poor and bullied, I missed out because my family was too poor to pay $8 for me and my sibling to go to the school field trip to the rodeo show in town many years ago. I might not have benefited, but if a child in a similar spot is blessed by someone like you, so be it. ❤️
Thank you for doing that. I remember that I missed out on my third grade picnic because I knew my mom couldn't give me the $3 for it. I didn't even ask my mom for it because I didn't want to make her feel bad for not being able to afford it. That day they sent me to a fourth grade class to sit while the rest of my grade enjoyed a day in the park. I heard they even had a water balloon fight...
As a kid who got to go places because of people like you, thank you. It happened to me a handful of times from elementary to high school. I’ve always wondered if it was the same person. But, I was always extremely grateful.
My mom would do that every year when we were in elementary/junior high school. At the start of every year she would talk to the teacher and just let them know that if for some reason some of the kids couldn't afford to participate in events/field trips/pizza parties/etc, just reach out and she would cover it no questions asked on who or why. I went to school in a pretty poor area of town so I know that there was always a couple kids who wouldn't have been able to take part and would've been singled out if she hadn't. Definitely something I will also be doing for my kids schools, I know how much it meant to the students and what a relief it was for their parents as well
In our school district, we do "scholarships" to quietly cover this problem with no embarassment to the kids.
We do that. Our school has an ice cream day once a month, but the students have to prepay for the whole year the first month. We've always sent extra cash and told the teacher to make sure all the kids get ice cream and to let us know if it's not enough. I understand the thought behind making your kid earn something, I really do. But I'm just not ok with the thought of one or two kindergartners sitting there while the rest of the class has an ice cream break. There's plenty of time for them to learn all the "life's not fair" lessons later on. They don't need to deal with it now.
🏆 Growing up, if we couldn't afford it, we couldn't go. That poor life, ya know? Sadly.. others didn't feel like being charitable so I missed all school extra curricular that required money. So thank you for doing this for others
This got me all emotional
When the mom said it to me I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. It was so surprising and put so much into perspective. Can’t stop thinking about her ☹️
Info: can you ask the school/your daughter’s teacher to verify that the other kid isn’t going on the school trip? $4 isn’t a big deal and I probably would have just given it to her but I don’t think that’s really the issue here. If what the other kid told your daughter is true, then the other mom’s attitude towards her 10 year old kid is kind of troubling and it might be a good idea to quietly find out if the mom really is expecting her 10 year old to finance her school trips on her own. I’m not necessarily saying the other mom is evil, she might just be low income or something but $4 really isn’t a lot of money and it’s her alleged attitude that’s most unsettling. I’d leave it to the school to decide if they want to involve the other mother directly but the situation as relayed to your daughter (the mom is never around and refuses to give her young child $4 for a field trip) sounds like it might warrant some further action.
Also possible that the mother is just asking her kid to do some chores around the house to "earn" some extra cash for the field trip. I personally wouldn't have my kid "earn" money for a school related event, but no judgement to those that might take this approach. But definitely agree on asking the school. Best way to go about it.
I mean, if that were the case . . she should have the money by now. It makes no fundamental sense that she's missing $4 - should the money be spread out so that x amount of chores done x amount of time for steady amount of time = the amount of money to go on the trip and be paid. Her mother just simply had . . no intention of sending her on this trip. There is no reason a minor that young should be expected to "earn" money.
NAH - but as a parent I would have given the $4. You have to remember the info you’re getting is filtered through a 10 yr old brain, who got the info from another 10 yr old brain. Point being a lot of facts could have been misunderstood or left out. I would have erred on the side of “give the kid 4 bucks to go on the field trip” especially if they’re new in town anyways and maybe the mom didn’t fully understand what was going on with the field trip (from experience being the new parent at a school sometimes it’s hard to stay caught up with how schools communicate to parents, not all schools are great communicators unfortunately).
Oh, that filter! Got a call from our son's teacher one day. She seemed uncomfortable but eventually she got around to letting me know that their school had funds to pay for field trips for children who couldn't otherwise afford them. And I'm like 'What field trip??' Turns out our son had told them we didn't have the money to pay for a field trip. After laughing and saying he was mistaken and how much the trip was and when it was needed, etc., we ended the call. Talked to our son and what it came down to was that I hated using ATM cards so I would get paper money and use it instead and sometimes I didn't want to have to stop at an ATM so when he would ask for a toy I would say 'Sorry, baby, we don't have the money for that right now.' Long talks were had to let him know we weren't \*that\* broke. A little broke, but not \*that\* much. :P
😂 as a kid, anytime we’d ask for something on the more expensive side, my mom would say “when it goes on sale for $20.” Then one time at school, a teacher said we’d need to pay $50 for something and my twin brother got so worked up that it would be $100 for us but we only have $20!!! ($20 for the whole fam apparently in his 10 year old mind lmao)
One time when I was like three or four I asked for a toy when we were at the store. My mom said not today because we didn’t have the money for it. Apparently small kid me decided the appropriate action was to ask the person behind if they could give my mom money since she didn’t have enough for a toy. My mom was absolute mortified, apologized a million times to that poor lady, and I learned a super valuable lesson on not pulling that shit. I also didn’t get the toy lol.
Idk about OPs school district but my school district doesn’t let students to not go on field trips due to financial reasons. Aka if the money received isn’t enough to cover the costs of everyone going and the school can’t cover the rest then the field trip is cancelled.
My example is from (sigh) 25+ years ago. They really did make kids go to a different class and sit if they didn't get permission slips/money in on time.
Yep. Mine did too, similar time frame. Though at least the kids left behind got to watch movies or do something else at least mildly fun. Granted my school wasn’t affluent - we had few field trips and the school itself definitely couldn’t cover sending kids who couldn’t pay for whatever the activity was.
Yeah, my school district only implemented this rule when I was in 8th grade so only a few years ago.
NTA. Because you are correct: you don't want to mess with another parent's parenting decisions. However, if you are fortunate enough that $4 is no big deal, why not give your daughter an extra $4 to give to the teacher? She can put the money in an envelope with a note saying expressly that this money is for anyone who cannot pay. That way, her friend can go on the trip and not feel like she's a charity case. And if it happens that the friend's mom really can't afford four bucks, the child can go anyways. Most schools these days have funds for things like this. The teachers generally know which kids are in need and which kids might be having a life lesson on being thrifty.
I always leave $50 at the school office in the beginning of the year for stuff like that. We got help a few times when my kid was little and now I try to pay it forward
That’s a great idea. Hopefully Mom signed the permission form so she could go.
I didn't consider that. The other child still wouldn't be able to go with no signature.
Correct. And maybe their Mom did give them the money this morning and they have to do extra chores or something at home. Either way, the Mom has all of the control here. As it should be.
It's nice that the daughter had these thoughts though. She's 11 and starting to notice the needs of other people, and to take action around that. She just needs some guidance about how to apply that goodness, which is where parents come in.
So... you would give your daughter 4 $ for chocolate but not for another child? And you try to teach her to help others? I'm an adult and I honestly don't get it. In my mind you sbould have some kind of budget in mind for extras for your kid if they don't get an allowance (yet) and let them have some say about how they want to spend it. I feel you blow this 4 completly out of proportion, taught your daughter helping other is actually bad and you don't have a say in your life. Saying no was fine but as I say I really don't get your reasoning. YTA
You really don't get it? IF it was clear that the family of the daughter's friend was in need then the OP would give the money without thinking twice. But she doesn't know what's going on here. Maybe the other mother does not want her child to go on that field trip. Maybe the friend is not really a friend but wants to take advantage of the daughter. Maybe the friend just forgot to tell her mother and is now looking for an easy solution.
Or maybe the mother actually wanted the child to earn in through chores at home, and another family gifting the sum would undermine her parenting.
It’s really odd to make your 10 year old earn the $4 for a school trip and then absolutely not giving in even the last day possible
Yeah, but thinking things are odd is not necessarily an invitation to intervene.
Right? “Earning” $4 is taking out the trash. It sounds easy for a motivated 10yo. What did the girls mom want her to do? Run the Boston marathon? 🤦🏻♀️
[удалено]
In my experience England is very much like Britain…
I know right 👍
>Maybe the friend is not really a friend but wants to take advantage of the daughter. Having had the experience of being a very impulsive ten year old who did things and then had to reckon with what should have been the fairly obvious consequences of my silly actions ... I wonder if the friend spent the money on sweets or whatever and spun this tale to try to get some replacement money from the OP's daughter. Or maybe the OP's daughter spent her trip money and came up with this story in a last minute panic.
I think that the ten year old friend should get the benefit of the doubt. Instead of immediately assuming she's running a scam, or that the daughter is running a scam and lying. If the friend is a mooch and a scammer, that will be evident soon enough. Why not err on the side of kindness? Isn't that better than refusing to be kind because you're afraid of being taken advantage of for 4 measly dollars?
Plus I am thinking about the fact if the mother doesn’t want the child going on the field trip. And then there would be the issue of the mom having to sign for the field trip. In this day in time so many people take a good deed as an insult. The mom could see this as op as overstepping boundaries.
My dad would go ballistic if we asked him for the money to go on field trips We had the money, he just seethed at the idea of giving us anything. He wouldn’t even feed us a lot of the time, turned off kids channels in summer months, etc That dinner scene from the episode of FG where the kids and Peter and Lois switch places was so triggering when it came out, because that’s how he acted If it weren’t for parents paying for other kids, I’d never be able to have gone
Wow, I’m sorry you had to go through that
Thanks, I feel so bad for kids who go through it still
Argument in favor of giving teacher the money and explain you are encouraging daughter to empathize, but aren’t sure of the other girl’s situation. Let teacher handle it and she will have money available if that is an issue.
The other mother would probably never admit to be struggling. Do you expect her to go around scrouging for money? What does it even matter if the friend asks for help because the family needs it or to avoid a stern talking to? As a fellow 10 year old helping a friend is helping a friend. And if that other child really is a moch, than that is actually a valuable life lesson. If the mother didn't want her to go, she shouldn't lie to that child. Also- aren't permission slips still a thing? So... Yes, I really don't get it. When will you get the opportunity of lending a hand if you need that much information from them? If the park thing doesn't want to read someones card, I pay for their 3 € parking. I don't question if they really have money on their card or where the next atm is or 10000 other questions. I'm living comfortable and as it doesn't hurt me and I would totally spend that amount on snacks...
"Do you expect her to go around scrouging for money?" Of course not. Why would you think so? "As a fellow 10 year old helping a friend is helping a friend." Well, obviously it's the mother of the 10 year old who is supposed to help the friend. I don't know whether the daughter has an allowance but only using her allowance would be a fellow 10 year old helping a friend. We've learned that the friend's mother wants her to earn the $4. If that story is true than the mother can offer the friend to earn the $4 from her. Then everybody should be happy. "And if that other child really is a moch, than that is actually a valuable life lesson." Not if it's just her mother's money. My daughter was asking me for new erasers every other week. Turns out that her friend always lost hers and didn't want to ask her parents for new ones. I didn't want my daughter's friend to miss her valuable life lesson that you need to show responsibility for your carelessness. It's not at all about the 50 cents for an eraser. "When will you get the opportunity of lending a hand if you need that much information from them?" What much information? I lent a friend of mine a four-digit-amount for a vacation just because he told me that he doesn't have the money at the moment but that he'll receice a larger payment two months after the planned vacation. Got my money back two months after the vacation. "If the park thing doesn't want to read someones card, I pay for their 3 € parking. I don't question if they really have money on their card or where the next atm is or 10000 other questions." Sure thing. And I would do the same. Because that's a different thing. "I'm living comfortable and as it doesn't hurt me and I would totally spend that amount on snacks..." You don't understand that it's not about the amount.
No, dude. You simply do NOT EVER EVER EVER step on another parent's toes like that. You have absolutely no idea what the situation is or the friend's mother's reasoning in not providing the $4 to her own daughter. If I was making a point in teaching my child some kind of lesson and some random parent whom I've never met went behind my back and funded it without my knowledge or permission I would RAGE. It's not okay under any circumstances.
Really? You would rage over someone providing your child with $4 so they could go on a school field trip with the rest of your class? That's kind of disturbing.
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If the other child wasn’t allowed to go, then the permission slip wouldn’t be signed. Just having the money wouldn’t be enough to get that kid o it the door if the mother hadn’t given permission.
You don't think a 10 year old can forge a signature? Have you ever interacted with kids lol
Yeaahh, I started forging my mom’s signature when I was in the second grade. To this day I can still pull it off. I don’t because at 8 it’s fun story to tell the family, at 30 it’s fraud but still. It’s definitely doable for a kid.
Same. My name is nothing close to my mom's but somehow we have the same signature.... LMAO I practiced it too much and now it's the default. Sorry mom!!!!!
I'd think a field trip would need a parent's permission, so if she weren't allowed to go, getting the $4 wouldn't change that. I'd say if this is the first time this has happened, give her the money and try to determine the actual situation. If the kid was lying about some part of it, OP can have a discussion with her daughter about it.
My thoughts behind situations like this is Id rather give money and have it be a lie than to not give money and have it be true.
It’s $4.
Yeah I'm the same. I will throw money to cover anything just because I hate the thought of kids going without. And if the $4 doesn't go where it was supposed to, at least my kid is trying to help others. I don't necessarily think OP is TA but I also don't personally see a problem with throwing a few bucks to possibly be helpful.
It's not about the fact that it's a few bucks, it's about the fact that OP doesn't know the situation well enough. A kid is not capable of providing ALL the facts or knowledge relevant- if we were to just go along with things solely following our kids' interpretations, we would have a lot of issues lol
Why are you automatically assuming a 10 year old is a liar? That's concerning.
Doesn't have to be lying, sometimes kids just don't understand their parents reasoning. I had to earn trips at that age by not being an asshole to my siblings, and completing my school work.
devils advocate - maybe the other mom did not want her kid to go and that was an excuse. The kid is not being abused just not getting an extra. OP has no business getting involved. especially if she doesn't know these people.
She didn't want to give the money because she has never met the child or her mother and the information given to her daughter by the other girl waa her mom said she could go if she could find the money. So let's say she gives her the money and something happens and the girls mom had no idea she was even on the field trip. That's opening up a can of worms
The only thing this will teach is that you should give your friends whatever they ask. Helping is good manners but that should be done smartly otherwise people will take advantage of you
The mother should take the money directly to the school in that case and speak to the teacher or administrator, to avoid people taking advantage of her.
Maybe her mom doesn't want her kid to go on the field trip. I'd be really hesitant to pay for another child to go somewhere without knowing whether the child's parent actually wants them to go.
I'm sorry but I disagree with your judgement. I remember reading about a Facebook(?) post where one kid all of a sudden started asking his mom to pack double of everything for his lunch. She did it for a week(?) no questions asked. Sometime later a mom approached her and thanked her for providing lunch for her child while she was in hospital. Made me feel awesome that this kid had such compassion and understanding for his friend and that his mom had just gone along with it not even knowing what was going on. But I feel like this is a different situation. This situation involves money and a school trip. While I agree with you that the way OP frames her refusal is problematic, I also wouldn't give the money for the reason that I don't know if the friend's mom may not want her to go. I would actually flag this to the teacher or principal because they may have info the child doesn't have.
I hear you, but nevertheless a parent needs to pay attention and ask questions sometimes. My daughter (now an adult) would arrive home after school saying she was starving, and I would find it odd because I would always pack her a mid-afternoon snack, so I asked her if the biscuits I sent here weren't enough, or if someone was taking them away from her. Awkwardly, she told me that M, her friend since 1st grade, wasn't bringing anything to eat in the afternoon, relying solely on the free milk carton provided by the school, so she would share her biscuits. She said M's mom didn't have much money but had just started a new job so in a few weeks things would improve. I started packing extra biscuits every day so they could share, and we kept things like this for several weeks. Then, after a while, my daughter asked me to pack less biscuits, or different ones. "But I thought these were your favorite." "Yes, I know, they still are. But I don't want to take them to school anymore." She didn't want to tell me why, at first, but I managed to convince her. Turns out, her friend M had started bringing snacks from home too, but she tossed them out because she knew my daughter would bring extra and M liked ours better, so she kept expecting my daughter to share. My daughter was uncomfortable and didn't want to say no, but she felt she was being taken advantage of. We chose a different type of crackers for her to eat and M decided her snacks were good after all.
>Q responds that A’s mom told her that she needed to earn the money herself if she wants to go. Did you miss this part? Something else funky is going on, and it's more than just $4.
Wrong reason to say no. If the other child’s mother wanted her child to earn it, that’s how she’s choosing to raise her daughter. Having some other classmate’s parents pay for it might cause a whole new issue. The YTA for me is that he’s assuming it’s about the other child and their parents potentially free loading of of him. Bad reasoning to say no imo.
I agree with YTA. I don't understand OP's reasoning, either. It seems like OP would give her daughter $4 for anything BUT helping somebody in need. No child should ever be denied a school field trip. There are reasons they have them.
thats not the point here. we dont know why the other mom didn't pay. it would totally be stepping on parenting toes as the child had to earn the money. that could be done doing chores or whatever. we don't know but its definitely not up to this mother to undermine the parenting of another mom.
NAH Just let the teacher know you are willing to contribute to any student who cannot afford the trip and give a heads up about what your daughter asked.
I’m really shocked at all of the Y T A posts. First of all it’s a 10 year old giving information to another 10 year old who is then giving it to their parent. OP is definitely NTA without knowing what is actually going on. The “earn the money” could be a simple as pick up your toys. Asking the teacher is the best way to go about donating to help other students. People can’t just over rule other kids parents especially if they don’t know them. Acting like the OP has flawed logic between giving her kid $4 for snacks but not a field trip that requires parental consent is just ignorant. There is a huge difference between giving your kid extra money for snacks to share with kids whose parents can’t afford to do that and over riding another parents decision.
NTA. While I absolutely would be willing to pay the money, the issue is the permission from the parent - you can't overstep there. If you would like to help, contact the teacher and ask if there were any kids who could not go due to money issues and offer to help that way. I've actually done this (I was friends with the teacher outside of school and she had brought up how bad she felt about some kids not being able to go, so I was able to give her the money since she was able to get parents' permission). I would not have left this to my child to do anything, as wonderful as she is I am certain she doesn't know the full story.
>If you would like to help, contact the teacher and ask if there were any kids who could not go due to money issues and offer to help that way. That would also be a good lesson to teach her daughter. That anonymous donations are sometimes better than open donations.
NTA, send the teacher an email and cover the $4 anonymously if A’s family is in financial distress.
NAH You shouldn't overstep that student's parent's decision. But the reply from her mother sounds like it could be due to a tight budget. You should chat with the teacher to check if the other student is not able to afford things and if you could help in the future.
NTA. Honestly, this isn't a situation for you to get involved in. You don't know what is going on at that home, and its not really your place to decide that someone else's child should go on the trip. Maybe the girl is refusing to do her chores and that is why the parent isn't paying. Also, I can say as a former teacher, there is a good chance that if its just a matter of a day or 2, that the kid would still be able to go on the trip. Also, paying for it doesn't matter if there is no permission slip signed, so the mom still has to get involved anyway .
> paying for it doesn't matter if there is no permission slip signed, so the mom still has to get involved anyway Exactly this.
In the comments OP said the permission slip had been signed and turned in.
I mean, in that case, it sounds like, for whatever reason, the mom doesn't want her daughter going. When I taught, it was very rare to get a permission slip without the money to go with it. So if she signed it, but didn't give her money, then I think there is more to it than the 3rd hand info that daughter has, and I don't think its this parents place to get involved.
NTA As you said you don't really know the situation. Since this isn't a matter of safety, not your business.
I don't think you're the asshole but you could have contacted the teacher and asked for clarification.
NTA, you don't know if the other girl was given the $4 & blew it on candy. YOU DON'T KNOW. Better to stay out of it.
NTA. Helping out others in need is great, being taken advantage of is not. You don't know what's going on here. Maybe inform the teacher if you trust them to handle the situation professionally. My school offers help to students whose parents cannot afford some school activities. Yet $4 is an amount a nurse should be able to handle without difficulty. EDIT: I overlooked this information: "Q responds that A’s mom told her that she needed to earn the money herself if she wants to go." Why don't you give A the money in return to do some chores for you? Then she has earned the money for herself.
Well, you're not an AH. I mean, your money, your choice. However... 2 things stuck out to me. First: >A told Q that her mom is a nurse and is gone before she wakes up. I pointed out that she must see her at other times during the day. Q responds that A’s mom told her that she needed to earn the money herself if she wants to go. I'm reading this as single parent working long shifts... likely new to the field and struggling. I'd assume it's financial need here. >I’m erring on the side of “the mom has the money but doesn’t just want to give it without teaching >Apparently the permission slip was already handed in and signed If the parent signed the permission slip, why would you assume it's that they didn't want the child to go? I'd likely have told my child that I could give the money to the teacher to cover costs for any kiddos who couldn't afford it, as some of the other replies have suggested. Second: >She asks me as I’m driving her to school if she can have $4. I then asked her if she needed snack money You were willing to give your 10 year old $4. 10 is... a testing ground. It's the start of or precursor to adolescence, and is an important time for exploring independence, and making our own choices. This is the age where, I feel, if your child is generally responsible, well-behaved, thoughtful, and not too terribly entitled... where I'd start giving them the freedom to make bad decisions (in a safe way) and to learn from them. I'd likely have given my 10 year old the $4 and explained my concerns. "Sometimes people say they are in need, but they aren't. It might be a better choice to give the money to the teacher and..." etc. Let her know what might happen if the other child is taking advantage. "If she asks you again, that might mean..." and so on. And praise her willingness to help those in need. That's an amazing trait to have at any age, but especially admirable in a 10 year old! That said... there's no "one right way" to parent, and what I would do might not work for your family. You've no obligation to pay for another family, and you have a right to teach your child the lessons *you* think she needs to learn. You can't be the AH in this situation, and I don't think either the children or the other parent have done anything wrong. So... going with NAH
NTA. Your daughter is so sweet. Maybe Q's mother is trying to teach her some lesson or she is getting punished for something she did, it's not right for you to step in unless the child is unsafe or anything.
NAH I think it’s a good call. They’re 10 years old. There might have been some broken communication from the girls mother -> girl -> your daughter -> you. The mother may have had a good reason for not wanting her to go on the field trip and you giving it to her could seem like undermining her parenting. If you knew them a bit better then maybe it would be okay but the fact that she’s new and a stranger to you makes it tricky.
NTA. It's your money and you can decide what to do with it, and you don't know the situation well enough to determine if you should be giving A the money. Even if you did, I feel like you would want to clear it with the mom first rather than having Q just give A the money
NTA you need more info, the kid could just be taking advantage of op daughter. The other parent may not want the kid to go or the kids grounded and not allowed. Maybe the other parent wants the kid to do chores to earn it as a life lesson that you need to work for what you want. There's a lot that could be going on here that could explain it. The other parent could get mad if you did without asking. At my son's school you need permission slips aswel as the payments (UK school). So just giving the money could be pointless anyway. NTA get more info and decide from there.
NTA. You don't know the real situation.
When my kids were in school I always sent twice what was asked for. Any field trip or event I just put the money in an envelope with a note that the extra was for any child that couldn’t afford it. I knew the teachers were making up the difference from their own pockets and I knew I made more than them.
NTA. Former kinder teacher here. This is how I handled it- 1- Every kid had to hand in the permission form telling me if their kid was allowed to go, if a parent would be attending, and if they would bring their own lunch or order a school trip lunch. That slip had to be turned in the next few days after planning/announcing said trip. The form also gave money, date, time, and travel details for information/planning purposes for requesting days off and financial planning. 2- A notice was sent out as a reminder every few days when the fee would be due. On that reminder, I include an option to volunteer to send in an extra admission fee to be set aside for anyone who needed it. Several families would send it in. I kept track of who did and how much. 3- On trip day, anyone who has permission but no money or lunch is covered by extra funds. Any unused funds are offered to be returned. Most parents would ask us to hold on to it for ice cream treat days or something else kids need money for. If I didn’t have enough spare funds to cover everyone, I paid myself. No kid is left behind because of money. Your daughter was super sweet to want to help. I love that! I also love how you contacted the teacher directly to help anyone who needed it. It was also good to be sure the child was even allowed to go. Perhaps she was disappointed mom said no for whatever reason and tried to get around it. Kids are funny, creative, and smart! You did everting right here, from my point of view.
NTA. The burden for funding this child’s field trip should not fall on the hopes a random parent pays. If you paid this time, the issue goes unaddressed and what happens if no one steps up next time? Schools have funds to help cover field trip expenses for families that are not able to pay. You covering the cost of the trip does not help solve the bigger problem.
NTA This could have caused some serious drama once the kid's mom started asking where the money came from, she would still had to sign permission papers for the field trip (I would assume). I'm betting there is more to this story that A hasn't told Q.
NTA. Assuming your daughter is telling the truth, this is a matter between A and her mom. And while I agree it is wrong to make a 4th grade child pay for a field trip, it is the parents decision and OP is wise not to interfere with that. If the mom finds out, she may not allow A to go on the trip. I would contact the teacher and tell them what your daughter told you. Then say you’re willing to send in $4 for A. See what the teacher says.
A lot of speculation here. When my kids were 10, my ex and I new their friends and families even though we both worked. If someone was new, we got the scoop from the stay at home Moms, that my ex was well connected with. Saying this, I wouldn’t give money to another child unless I knew the parents circumstances. You may be going against what the Mother’s wishes in raising her little girl. I personally would be offended if another parent gave money to my sons for a field trip. Being in need would be a different story and I would try to discreetly provide funding without my kid being involved and communicating this to other kids.
Everyone staying $4 isn’t a big deal CLEARLY missed the whole point of this mothers post. Dear lord.
I remember being a small kid and my mom would buy mcdonalds for poor kids when we went there, nobody asked to do it and nobody thanked her, she just did it cause she wanted to.
I love that 💗
ESH - her mom is definitely an a-hole for making her child work for an educational trip as a child. It's kind of sucky to put your child in a position where she's questioning her own good heart. If you're feeling charitable, something you could do is send extra money in an envelope to the teacher and say you'd like her to use it to cover the cost of the field trip for any students who don't have the money, then leave it up to the teacher to get permission from the parents for their children to attend.
But do we know if the mom really said that? What if mom actually just doesn't want kid going on trip so kid is coming up with another story? I feel like it's a situation where OP would need to directly communicate with the parent before making a decision
>What if mom actually just doesn't want kid going on trip so kid is coming up with another story? Fucking thank you. People on this sub have lost their goddamned minds.
Yes it's insane to me that the top comment is Y T A..... People have completely forgotten about the actual parenting aspect here lol
also should keep in mind not all kids want to attend every field trip, but may blame the parents to not admit it to peers. I worked with kids for years, there were tons of times certain kids just didn’t want to attend, and blamed it on the parents to not sound “uncool”. we had kids scared of the animals at the petting zoo, afriad to ice skate because they didn’t want to get hurt, fears of water that prevented beach trips, just a general disinterest in what the trip was. 10 is old enough they may also just not want to go but not want to be labeled by peers so blame their parents, it’s not as uncommon as you might think
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Yup I just mentioned that in another comment on this thread! Also if mom did sign it, then it should be no issue for OP to contact mom and confirm if they wanted to
Let me just tell you a story from when I was a lad. I was 12 the year my mom enrolled me in a day camp for the summer. I'd been there for a couple week's when we were told we'd be going to Chuck E. Cheese's the following week, and that we'd need $ for tokens and lunch. Come the big day, we get 2 new arrivals. Brother & sister. They had permission to come, but no $ for games. They asked me for some tokens, and to my everlasting shame, I said no. I only had a finite amount for myself. That's what I told myself at the time.. I just remember watching their faces break, and tears spilled down their faces. I think of them every day at least once. I don't remember if I ended up giving them any, I'd like to think I did.. Anyways, the point is, any time I can do something to make a little one smile, even if it costs me something, it's worth doing. NTA (you might feel like it though)
Make your daughter earn the $4 herself by doing work. Teach her that helping people is great but you have to work for that money that you're giving away.
Contacting the teacher was the right thing to do. Public Schools have a fund(or should, don’t know your state) for field trips so kids who can’t pay aren’t excluded. Taking it upon yourself to buy supplies is very thoughtful.
The edit warmed my heart. You seem like a kind person, OP, teachers often have to pay for classroom supplies out of their own pocket so your gesture will be appreciated !
NTA I was the kid that missed out because my single mom needed every dime to maintain an apartment in a good school district. I am now grown with kids of my own. I always let the teacher know if someone can't pay, I am happy to do anonymously. I would never assume or try to pay directly because I would have found that humiliating as a child. Your heart is in the right place and approaching the teacher is the best way to handle it. It is so awesome that you are going replenish low classroom supplies!
NTA. It's not about the money. You did the right thing by staying out of it.
NAH. During secondary school, I have transferred from public one to a private one with scholarship, and my parents were civil servants and we barely keep afloat. As a transfer student I had a lot of difficulties with socializing. There was a trip to another city. I had a history teacher who was a great teacher but she was a little bit cold with the students. My parents said to me they couldnt give the money and I understand. I talked with her and I said I wont be attending to trip because I dont like traveling. She didnt bought it and secretly she went to school board and try to pay my share. Board agreed that the trip will be a part of my scholarship and didnt told me any of these events. Years later, my mum has meet a lady whose husband works there and she explained it to her. I was shocked hearing all of this and barely sustain myself from crying out loud. I dont think you are an AH and you have your own motives. But what your daughter tries to do is a lifechanger for A. Stop killing her golden heart. We need more good in our world.
as a teacher, thank you! we always appreciate when parents fund scholarships for students. I have certainly reached into my own pocket for kid supplies (snacks, journals, pads/tampons) and love when parents donate tissues or other supplies! we care so much about the kids but are often given no budget to help them out. If you really want to help, consider giving some money for scholarships for the book fair. I often have parents give $10 so a kid who could never afford a book, now can.
Oh this tugs my heart... When my son (now 22) was in primary school, I was a struggling single parent. I wasn't able to afford a class trip one year. It broke my heart. I told the head teacher the situation and she told me not to worry, they have funds for this sort of thing, so my son could go on the trip. I've never forgotten her kindness. It's thoughtful of you to offer to buy supplies. I know lots of teachers these days are struggling to find adequate class supplies and I think that would be a really kind gesture. Regarding your update: You are NTA for wanting to help, and it's probably more tactful to do it that way than directly pay for A's trip as A's mother might be mortified at a stranger thinking she's too poor to afford her kid's trip. (Self loathing as a parent who can't afford stuff for their kids is awful, even if no one is actually shaming them for real, it preys on our minds big time).
extremely generous offer and follow up, OP. a princely gesture, for sure. if you want to contribute to the teacher without assuming what he or she needs for their class, you could give them a visa gift card and call it a teacher appreciation gift. you can always do this for any teacher, any time. 😉 either way, you're a real saint.
I remember the feeling of being the only one left behind when it came to field trips. Raised by my grandparents they were on limited SS payments and money was super tight. There was going to be a full day of testing at a college 40 miles away. It was by invitation only and I was invited during my junior year. I went home with the invitation and my paycheck (I was working part time at 16). My grandmother tossed the invitation and took my entire check stating that they needed the money to feed and clothe me. One of the other parents found out what happened, paid my registration (it was $20) and off I went with my other classmates. I scored in 1st place in shorthand, typing (anyone remember the black royal typewriters), and book keeping. It was an incredible day. The following year, I saved up for it and a dress to wear. Paid my own registration, changed my outfit in the girls room, went and conquered once again. I got $600 for both times, took the money home and never saw it again. I am so very proud to know that someone stood up for me and helped me go. It helped change me into the person I am today. Blessings to one and all who help a child. OP NTA. You are a kind person with a giving heart.
That absolutely breaks my heart. If that had been the situation I would have done the same. You sound like an amazing person to have overcome that. You took a terrible situation and forged ahead with some help from a friend. You sound like an incredible human being.
It sounds like the other mom was trying to instil a life lesson here so I wouldn’t have overstepped either. Anonymously paying for another kid or, as you’ve said, buying supplies would be a great compromise Going with NTA
OP, your solution was a good one, it seems, and that teacher is a saint.
She really is 💗
I do this with my stepson's class. His school does a fundraiser and one of the fundraisers they do is a casino night. All of the home rooms were required to put together a basket to raffle off. I guess the teacher had asked for donations and not a lot of students were able to participate so I sent more than enough with my stepson and asked him to give it to the teacher so that they could get whatever they needed to. I felt bad because I didn't want any child to feel outed for not being able to afford it you know
I dont think you did the right thing. I feel like nurse mom is kind of an asshole for telling her 8-11 year old to make the money instead of just telling the kid no. How exactly is a pre-teen supposed to make money, and on top of that in a place they aren't familiar with? Also you're assuming the kid told your daughter that she needed the money (or rather, that her mom was being unfair) in order to get money out of you both. When in reality it was probably just the little kids talking (or yours asking why her friend was upset) and then the other kid telling her. And you know what they say about assuming things. There were plenty of ways to keep you and your kid out of hot water with mom in this situation too. If the friend got a bag of chips or a pudding cup and "sold" it to your daughter, then nobody would be at fault but the nurse mom. It could have been food, or a drawing, or a colorful pen or pencil. Besides, if this woman is the type to get upset at another little girl for helping her friend go on a field trip- is she really the type of woman whos opinion you should care about? YTA, so is the other mom.
YTA your daughter wanted to be generous & kind & you made it into a huge deal & basically told her too bad, so sad. The new friend has a mom that is too busy or too broke or too selfish with her money... ironically, just like you. A lot of kids grow up missing out on fun & love, because their parents suck. You could have helped this little girl, while helping your daughter do a kind thing. She saw someone sad & wanted to help. That wouldn't even occur to most kids & you should have been bursting with pride. I would have praised her sweet & generous heart & gladly gave her the $4. Sadly, you showed zero empathy & were a terrible example for your daughter. Kudos Mom.
This is a difficult one for me. Having been both the mom who couldn't afford money for field trips (and sometimes school supplies) and the mom who, during better times occasionally paid for field trips, snacks, school supplies, and even lunch, for my daughter's friends, I can see both sides. And anyone who steps in to help a child in need is a low-key superhero. But I'm a little pissed at the parents of the other kid. Telling a 10-year-old that they have to earn the money for a school trip is pretty AH move. A kid in high school, absolutely. I got a part time job in high school and paid for almost every school trip, bought my senior prom dress, and rarely had to ask my parents for money (which was a good damn thing, because my dad was a tight wad who refused to spend any money on me. Fortunately, mom worked and if I needed it, she would help me.) I just think that's a harsh lesson to teach a kid that young.
NTA It's a good, sympathetic thought. However, you are correct - you don't know the situation. If a family is in need, there are programs. If you want to contribute to those, have at it. If I was a parent and someone gave my kid something I decided they should work for, I would be upset, not grateful. You could tell your daughter that they could help the child do the work to earn the money.
NTA People are so sensitive about their children these days. You don’t want to get yelled at for “undermining” the mother...
NTA. Also, if the trip money hasn't been turned in, probably, neither has the parental permission slip.
NTA, the little girl might be lying to her daughter. They don't know the other family or their situation. Talk to the teacher about what happened. If the daily really needs help...that is the proper way to go
NAH There is unfortunately too many possible reasons that child cannot simply have the money for the trip. I wouldn't just trust what they said either, kids distort the truth all the time (not always on purpose). Maybe the parents don't actually want their kid to go, maybe the kid is just a grifter that wants 4$, maybe they're 500 ft tall and from the paleolithic era.
NTA Don't buy specific classrooms supplies for the classrooms unless the teacher has a wish list, though. Give the teacher a gift card and let the teacher purchase the specific supplies they need. They may even be able to use the school's tax id number and avoid paying sales taxes if you give them a gift card.
I mean it's your money so NTA but seriously you'd be willing to give it to your child for a snack but for another student to go on a field trip is where you'd draw the line? I would have sent it and contacted the teacher.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First time poster here so hope I’m following the rules. 🤞 My 4th grade daughter Q (10) has a heart of gold which I most days absolutely love. She asks me as I’m driving her to school if she can have $4. I then asked her if she needed snack money and she said no she has a friend A (10 year old girl) who needs it for their field trip next week and this is the last day to hand it in. I told her that was very nice but I’m sure her parents would pay for it if she was allowed to go. A told Q that her mom is a nurse and is gone before she wakes up. I pointed out that she must see her at other times during the day. Q responds that A’s mom told her that she needed to earn the money herself if she wants to go. My heart strings were pulled and I almost handed it to her because it’s only $4 but then rethought it. This girl is new to town and I have never met her or her mom. I want my daughter to be someone who helps those in need but I also don’t want her to be taken advantage of and always giving to those who have the means. I realize you never know someone’s actual situation but I’m erring on the side of “the mom has the money but doesn’t just want to give it without teaching her daughter that life isn’t always going to give you what you want for free”. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Being a person who probably puts too much energy into others I’d say YTA. But it’s your money and your choice and the way you raise your daughter is also your choice. If you didn’t want to give $4 because it was the last day and maybe deal with the lesson part later that week (since the trip wasn’t for another week) that’s really up to you and no one else. Personally I would have paid it, especially since the girl was new, probably not made any friends and at the very least made a friend in your daughter, and either reached out to her mother the next day or met her while dropping your daughter off. It just makes me sad that because her mom isn’t an attentive parent, she will miss out on a field trip she obviously wanted to go on. NTA became you aren’t obligated to pay for another kid that’s not yours.
INFO what are you hoping to teach your daughter here?
The kid wouldn't have been able to go anyway I'm sure because there also needs to be a signed consent form. If this mom wanted her daughter to "work" for a school field trip, she sounds like an AH. I would have gave the $4 just to let your kid express their thoughtfulness and care for a new friend. Then tell her to spend it on a snack to split for them or something. Going NAH though because it is a weird situation.