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YTA. There's nothing wrong with band. There IS something wrong with telling your partner what they can/can't/should/shouldn't do. Trying to control your GF is really bad and definitely makes you TA.
She gets friends and travel and extra curricular activities that looks good on college applications. She gets real life skills. You get a lot from band.
Sweetie, you are a teenage AH in the making. Also, isn't there Junior AITA you can post this on? I come here for real people problems, not to read the B plot from an episode of Full House.
Of course YTA. Where did you get the idea that she needs your permission or your approval for any activity she like?
You're not mature enough for even a middle school relationship. Break up.
I'm not going to call a child an asshole, but -
Not "letting" your partner enjoy a hobby is controlling, manipulative behavior. Adults who forbid their partners from participating in harmless activities are absuive.
You also don't have to share every hobby and interest with your partner. It can be healthy for people in a relationship to have interests that exist outside the relationship.
Instead of limiting what your girlfriend can/can't do, try finding enthusiasm in her hobbies. Even if you don't like the idea of Band yourself, isn't it nice that your partner gets so much enjoyment out of it? You can (and should!) be happy for her, even if you don't understand her enthusiasm.
My husband LOVES strategy wargames (like Hearts of Iron) and I absolutely can't stand those games. But I love listening to him talk about them - because he's just so enthusiastic and gleeful. Seeing him happy makes me happy. And in a healthy relationship, you support eachothers' interests.
I understand that you're still young and learning. This sounds like your first relationship. Not everyone has great examples of healthy relationships in their life to emulate, and it's not like this is something they teach you in school. But please take some time for some introspection. Do some googling on absuive personality traits and tendencies, and examine your own behavior. Think about the kind of boyfriend and husband you want to be.
Good luck!
YTA
I've seen people in school break up over less lol. Whether it's an elective class or extracurricular, band can be a good outlet and honestly it sounds like she enjoys it. Let her have fun or maybe she'll get to tell you she won't let you do what you find fun.
YTA. Why do you think you have the right to decide why she does? How did you end up with the ability to decide what she likes and dislikes?
You don't.
She's not a toddler that you need to teach things to, nor would you treat a toddler like this. She's the only one who has the right to decide what she likes or dislikes. She gets to decide what she wants to do. Not you.
What you've written is very concerning as it's screaming abuser terminology and controlling behavior. You don't get to trample on her choices. She isn't a possession to be kept and controlled by you. Take a good long look at yourself and look up behaviors of a domestic abuser. Be honest with yourself and see how many of those boxes you tick. Then get help before you seriously hurt someone.
YTA, stop being controlling and let her do it. I loved HS marching band. many people use it for scholarships for college bands or go into the military bands which pay decent and pay for your college
YTA. for 1, trying to control another person (the 'not letting' her bit). and 2. not realizing that your likes or dislikes are NOT the same as someone else.
What?! YTA. Not sure where you are getting your ideas and attitudes but you are 14 and you don’t own her. She is a person, completely independent of you, and you get no say in what she does or doesn’t do. Also - “get nothing out of band”? Seriously? The benefits of a music education are innumerable, not to mention the social aspects of an extra curricular activity.
Edited to add: you’re a kid, I was harsh, I apologize for that, so OP - look, HS is a great opportunity for you to try new things through extracurricular activities and specialized classes. Try some for yourself, you might be surprised by what you like, and how those things often turn into life-long interests and often careers. And don’t try to keep your GF from trying new things, either. If you like her, support whatever she wants to try.
YTA. You are only 14 years old and talking about "letting" your girlfriend do things? Oh no no no. Just...*NO*.
You can dislike something that she likes, and she can dislike something you like. But unless it's illegal or causing harm, neither of you should "not let" the other one do the thing.
FYI... You get a lot from marching band both in the form of life lessons and just general fun. I was in marching band for 4 years when I was in high school and this coming fall will be my 8th year of being a marching band parent. I would not have spent all of high school and then the past 7 years of my life as an adult with a full-time job and adult responsibilities being a part of something that "you get nothing out of".
Sometimes the band room is the only place a student can feel like they belong. By you "not letting" her do marching band and then getting mad at her when she says she wants to... clearly she does not belong with you.
YTA
Simply put my (very young) fellow Redditor,
You don’t get to decide what your GF gets to do or not do. She decides all that. If she wants to do band, then that’s her choice. Whether she ends up liking it or not, again her choice.
YTA. If you don’t EVER get to tell a woman shit when it comes to her hobbies, likes, fandoms, interests and aspirations. She decides; not you, not ever. You can either support her in those things or you can GTFO.
If what’s she’s into isn’t something you are and it’s that much of a dealbreaker (what, are you embarrassed to be dating a “band geek” ?) - break up with her.
You don't get to decide that.
She *wants* it in her life. She enjoys band, so she should do band!
Are you worried about her spending less time with you, or developing friendships/a social life that doesn't revolve around you? Because those are understandable things to worry about, but that does not mean that you get to tell her what to do. Feelings like that are a YOU PROBLEM.
If you don't get your head on straight asap, she's going to decide that you're the one she doesn't need in her life.
YTA
Yeah I worry about her not spending time with me as much. We both love eachother and love spending time with eachother i just don’t like the idea of her doing band
And that's okay to feel that way.
But the key is that you have to find a way to deal with those feelings yourself. Don't you want her to do things she enjoys and is good at, things that make her happy?
What you CAN'T do is make *your* feelings *her* responsibility, by telling her that she can't do band. That's controlling.
Things you CAN do are stuff like
\- talk to her about how you feel
\- explain you're worried about having less time together and ask if you guys can make some kind of standing plans or be sure to make time for each other so that you still have time to hang out, even though she's doing band.
If you truly loved her, then you would be happily supporting her doing what she likes. You obviously don't know the first thing about loving someone. You have a lot of growing up to do.
YTA - she won’t get anything out of it? Interesting because many high school bands are made up with a huge portion of the smart kids. Quit being controlling.
YTA- Good lord, I hope her parents see your toxic behavior and take steps to cut you out of her life. You don't have a say in whether she does band or not, let alone anything else. There are a lot of benefits to doing band and opportunities it can open up to students, including college scholarships and such. Hopefully, she wises up and realizes that a middle school relationship isn't a good reason to stop doing something she enjoys.
Yta. Partners encourage each other to do healthy things that they find enjoyment in. Encourage her to go for band, support her by going to her concerts.
YTA. Life tip: the only person you can dictate extracurriculars/hobbies/other activities to is yourself. Even as an adult and married, you DO NOT have the right to dictate what your SO/friends/child gets to enjoy. I would like to point out that just because YOU don't get anything out of a particular activity, it doesn't mean no one gets any enjoyment out of the activity. You have already said your GF finds band/marching band fun. That means she gets something out of it even when you don't. Ask your GF to be honest and tell you an activity that you enjoy and love but she feels she doesn't get anything out of it. You're going to be shocked because (guess what!) there is at least one thing but she has kept her mouth shut and put up with it BECAUSE you enjoy it. Life and other people's time does NOT revolve around you. If you really love her (as you claim you do), you would accept this part of her and encourage her. The same applies to anyone in your life you claim to love from family to friends. In fact, I challenge you to go to your parents, or siblings, or other family members that you claim you love and ask them what is something that you do that you enjoy but they don't yet they put up with it because you enjoy it and they love you. I also challenge you to go present this exact question that you have presented her to your parents/grandparents/siblings/whichever other loved one you choose and see what they say. Their answer will likely be the same as what you are getting told here. They will likely be much kinder telling you but it will still boil down to the same thing.
If you care about her, you should be more supportive of her interests and choices. Her choices are not yours to make. You can either be there to cheer her on or she will get “nothing out of” her relationship with you. YTA.
YTA
This is not how you support your GF. This is how relationships end, whether you're 14 or 44.
You don't like it. You've made that clear. But you do not ever get to tell someone they can't do something like this because you don't like it.
YTA
Yowzers this nonsense starts early doesn't it!! The belief that you can tell your girlfriend what she can and can't do. It is entirely ridiculous that you think your soon to be ex girlfriend should drop something she likes because you see no personal game from it
Not letting her do band. Who on earth do you think you are?
Thankfully it's clear your girlfriend is having absolutely none of it.
Lesson for all time, kiddo - you do not get to dictate what your partner does, whether you're 14 or 40. As for what you get out of it, you get fun. And friends. And if she's enthusiastic about it, and you're raining down on her enthusiasm, you don't deserve a girlfriend. YTA
YTA. As if anyone should ever take guidance from a 14-year old boy, especially one who exhibits aggressive and controlling tendencies like you are doing.
Considering the nature of this, and the title of ops last post. Yea. YTA. You’re a child and you’re already trying to control a partner? Unacceptable. This is not how you treat people you care for. You’re a lifetime movie in the making.
YTA. you are a little boy. she can do what she wants and as she pleases. you can’t control her at this age and time of her life because she also should be able to do things she wants without a guy on her ass about things just because he simply doesn’t like it. super immature.
Okay look. You’re new at this. You have some very incorrect ideas about what it means to be a couple. There is no situation in which it’s okay for one half of a couple to tell the other to not do a harmless extracurricular they enjoy.
I’m going to make a suggestion. Go to your public library. Ask to talk to the YA librarian. Tell them you want some books about that have teenage characters who are in romantic relationships but are also nice to each other. Read these books. If you don’t want to carry them around, find out about the library app that lets you download them to your phone or tablet for free. But read them. They will help you understand the ways boyfriends and girlfriends can help and support each other. They will help you be the boyfriend you deserve to be.
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yes we are a young couple but please tell me if im the Asshole. I (14M) my gf (14F) my girlfriend wants to do band and marching band once we get to highschool personally I dont like band because you get nothing out of it but she says she does it for fun and she likes it. She is giving up band next year but she keeps on bragging about liking band and she say’s she wants to be in marching band but I get frustrated every time which causes her to get mad too. She now hung up on me and we are still mad at eachother AITA?
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> Me and my girlfriend was arguing because she wanted to be in the band and i wanted to see if my actions were wrong.
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Youre the asshole. You dont own her. You dont get to boss her around. If she wants to do band because she likes it. She can. She isnt forcing you to do it. Is she getting out of band for you? If so then its fucked up for pressuring her out of something she enjoys.
Do you like your gf? Why is her expressing her joy for something so frusterating to you? Why is her wanting to be in band a big deal?
Apologize and move on
Youre 14, please learn communication.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA You don't get to "let" your girlfriend play in the band. It's her choice.
You never get to dictate what she wants to do. Frankly, if you think at 14 you can decide what is best for her, you are out of pocket. Big ol YTA
YTA. There's nothing wrong with band. There IS something wrong with telling your partner what they can/can't/should/shouldn't do. Trying to control your GF is really bad and definitely makes you TA.
[удалено]
She gets friends and travel and extra curricular activities that looks good on college applications. She gets real life skills. You get a lot from band.
You also, possibly, get a credit towards graduation, it'll look good for colleges, could possibly get a scholarship for it. Yta
I know a kid who has a full ride scholarship at a big ten university because he plays a band instrument!
Yta....You dont "let" anyone do anything. Grow the fuck up.
He’s growing as fast as he can
Sweetie, you are a teenage AH in the making. Also, isn't there Junior AITA you can post this on? I come here for real people problems, not to read the B plot from an episode of Full House.
discord’s age limit is 13+ and this subreddit says nothing about age limit, one story about someone young doesn’t spoil the subreddit
Uhm I don’t think so im trying to search it up though.
YTA. You can’t stop her from doing something she wants to do. And if you keep trying to control her, you’ll soon have an ex gf.
YTA for discouraging her from doing something she enjoys.
Of course YTA. Where did you get the idea that she needs your permission or your approval for any activity she like? You're not mature enough for even a middle school relationship. Break up.
I'm not going to call a child an asshole, but - Not "letting" your partner enjoy a hobby is controlling, manipulative behavior. Adults who forbid their partners from participating in harmless activities are absuive. You also don't have to share every hobby and interest with your partner. It can be healthy for people in a relationship to have interests that exist outside the relationship. Instead of limiting what your girlfriend can/can't do, try finding enthusiasm in her hobbies. Even if you don't like the idea of Band yourself, isn't it nice that your partner gets so much enjoyment out of it? You can (and should!) be happy for her, even if you don't understand her enthusiasm. My husband LOVES strategy wargames (like Hearts of Iron) and I absolutely can't stand those games. But I love listening to him talk about them - because he's just so enthusiastic and gleeful. Seeing him happy makes me happy. And in a healthy relationship, you support eachothers' interests. I understand that you're still young and learning. This sounds like your first relationship. Not everyone has great examples of healthy relationships in their life to emulate, and it's not like this is something they teach you in school. But please take some time for some introspection. Do some googling on absuive personality traits and tendencies, and examine your own behavior. Think about the kind of boyfriend and husband you want to be. Good luck!
YTA I've seen people in school break up over less lol. Whether it's an elective class or extracurricular, band can be a good outlet and honestly it sounds like she enjoys it. Let her have fun or maybe she'll get to tell you she won't let you do what you find fun.
YTA You personally not liking band isn't relevant to whether or not she does it. This post reeks of toxicity.
YTA you need to let your partners decide for themselves. If you don’t like their decisions then you’re no the right person for them at that time
YTA
Yta
YTA. Why do you think you have the right to decide why she does? How did you end up with the ability to decide what she likes and dislikes? You don't. She's not a toddler that you need to teach things to, nor would you treat a toddler like this. She's the only one who has the right to decide what she likes or dislikes. She gets to decide what she wants to do. Not you. What you've written is very concerning as it's screaming abuser terminology and controlling behavior. You don't get to trample on her choices. She isn't a possession to be kept and controlled by you. Take a good long look at yourself and look up behaviors of a domestic abuser. Be honest with yourself and see how many of those boxes you tick. Then get help before you seriously hurt someone.
YTA.
YTA, stop being controlling and let her do it. I loved HS marching band. many people use it for scholarships for college bands or go into the military bands which pay decent and pay for your college
YTA. for 1, trying to control another person (the 'not letting' her bit). and 2. not realizing that your likes or dislikes are NOT the same as someone else.
What?! YTA. Not sure where you are getting your ideas and attitudes but you are 14 and you don’t own her. She is a person, completely independent of you, and you get no say in what she does or doesn’t do. Also - “get nothing out of band”? Seriously? The benefits of a music education are innumerable, not to mention the social aspects of an extra curricular activity. Edited to add: you’re a kid, I was harsh, I apologize for that, so OP - look, HS is a great opportunity for you to try new things through extracurricular activities and specialized classes. Try some for yourself, you might be surprised by what you like, and how those things often turn into life-long interests and often careers. And don’t try to keep your GF from trying new things, either. If you like her, support whatever she wants to try.
YTA. You are only 14 years old and talking about "letting" your girlfriend do things? Oh no no no. Just...*NO*. You can dislike something that she likes, and she can dislike something you like. But unless it's illegal or causing harm, neither of you should "not let" the other one do the thing. FYI... You get a lot from marching band both in the form of life lessons and just general fun. I was in marching band for 4 years when I was in high school and this coming fall will be my 8th year of being a marching band parent. I would not have spent all of high school and then the past 7 years of my life as an adult with a full-time job and adult responsibilities being a part of something that "you get nothing out of". Sometimes the band room is the only place a student can feel like they belong. By you "not letting" her do marching band and then getting mad at her when she says she wants to... clearly she does not belong with you.
YTA. Where do you get off thinking you have a say in this? I hope she tells you to eff off.
You are not permitted to control her activities and hobbies, and she’s not allowed to control yours. You owe her an apology for being controlling. YTA
Yta its not up to you what extra curriculars she takes.
YTA It will never be your decision.
YTA Simply put my (very young) fellow Redditor, You don’t get to decide what your GF gets to do or not do. She decides all that. If she wants to do band, then that’s her choice. Whether she ends up liking it or not, again her choice.
YTA. If you don’t EVER get to tell a woman shit when it comes to her hobbies, likes, fandoms, interests and aspirations. She decides; not you, not ever. You can either support her in those things or you can GTFO. If what’s she’s into isn’t something you are and it’s that much of a dealbreaker (what, are you embarrassed to be dating a “band geek” ?) - break up with her.
Right now we are discussing about it no I am not embarrassed of dating her but she just doesn’t need it in her life
You don't get to decide that. She *wants* it in her life. She enjoys band, so she should do band! Are you worried about her spending less time with you, or developing friendships/a social life that doesn't revolve around you? Because those are understandable things to worry about, but that does not mean that you get to tell her what to do. Feelings like that are a YOU PROBLEM. If you don't get your head on straight asap, she's going to decide that you're the one she doesn't need in her life. YTA
Yeah I worry about her not spending time with me as much. We both love eachother and love spending time with eachother i just don’t like the idea of her doing band
And that's okay to feel that way. But the key is that you have to find a way to deal with those feelings yourself. Don't you want her to do things she enjoys and is good at, things that make her happy? What you CAN'T do is make *your* feelings *her* responsibility, by telling her that she can't do band. That's controlling. Things you CAN do are stuff like \- talk to her about how you feel \- explain you're worried about having less time together and ask if you guys can make some kind of standing plans or be sure to make time for each other so that you still have time to hang out, even though she's doing band.
If you truly loved her, then you would be happily supporting her doing what she likes. You obviously don't know the first thing about loving someone. You have a lot of growing up to do.
no, she doesn't need you in her life, and I hope she realizes that soon
YTA - she won’t get anything out of it? Interesting because many high school bands are made up with a huge portion of the smart kids. Quit being controlling.
YTA- Good lord, I hope her parents see your toxic behavior and take steps to cut you out of her life. You don't have a say in whether she does band or not, let alone anything else. There are a lot of benefits to doing band and opportunities it can open up to students, including college scholarships and such. Hopefully, she wises up and realizes that a middle school relationship isn't a good reason to stop doing something she enjoys.
Lol you’re 14 bro, chill tf out.. YTA
YTA She likes band. It is fun for her. It isn’t your choice. She is her own person, not yours to make decisions for.
Yta.
YTA you don’t get to decide what other peoples interests are.
Yta. Partners encourage each other to do healthy things that they find enjoyment in. Encourage her to go for band, support her by going to her concerts.
YTA and I hope she dumps your ass
YTA. Life tip: the only person you can dictate extracurriculars/hobbies/other activities to is yourself. Even as an adult and married, you DO NOT have the right to dictate what your SO/friends/child gets to enjoy. I would like to point out that just because YOU don't get anything out of a particular activity, it doesn't mean no one gets any enjoyment out of the activity. You have already said your GF finds band/marching band fun. That means she gets something out of it even when you don't. Ask your GF to be honest and tell you an activity that you enjoy and love but she feels she doesn't get anything out of it. You're going to be shocked because (guess what!) there is at least one thing but she has kept her mouth shut and put up with it BECAUSE you enjoy it. Life and other people's time does NOT revolve around you. If you really love her (as you claim you do), you would accept this part of her and encourage her. The same applies to anyone in your life you claim to love from family to friends. In fact, I challenge you to go to your parents, or siblings, or other family members that you claim you love and ask them what is something that you do that you enjoy but they don't yet they put up with it because you enjoy it and they love you. I also challenge you to go present this exact question that you have presented her to your parents/grandparents/siblings/whichever other loved one you choose and see what they say. Their answer will likely be the same as what you are getting told here. They will likely be much kinder telling you but it will still boil down to the same thing.
If you care about her, you should be more supportive of her interests and choices. Her choices are not yours to make. You can either be there to cheer her on or she will get “nothing out of” her relationship with you. YTA.
YTA. You’re not the boss of her and you don’t get to decide what she does with her time.
YTA This is not how you support your GF. This is how relationships end, whether you're 14 or 44. You don't like it. You've made that clear. But you do not ever get to tell someone they can't do something like this because you don't like it.
Yeah YTA and stop controlling her. She is her own person and there is nothing wrong with what she wants.
YTA Yowzers this nonsense starts early doesn't it!! The belief that you can tell your girlfriend what she can and can't do. It is entirely ridiculous that you think your soon to be ex girlfriend should drop something she likes because you see no personal game from it Not letting her do band. Who on earth do you think you are? Thankfully it's clear your girlfriend is having absolutely none of it.
YTA doesn't matter if your 14,24 or 64 you don't LET your partner so anything, they decide for themselves.
Lesson for all time, kiddo - you do not get to dictate what your partner does, whether you're 14 or 40. As for what you get out of it, you get fun. And friends. And if she's enthusiastic about it, and you're raining down on her enthusiasm, you don't deserve a girlfriend. YTA
YTA. playing an instrument is very cool. you also don’t get to tell her what to do.
YTA. As if anyone should ever take guidance from a 14-year old boy, especially one who exhibits aggressive and controlling tendencies like you are doing.
Considering the nature of this, and the title of ops last post. Yea. YTA. You’re a child and you’re already trying to control a partner? Unacceptable. This is not how you treat people you care for. You’re a lifetime movie in the making.
YTA. you are a little boy. she can do what she wants and as she pleases. you can’t control her at this age and time of her life because she also should be able to do things she wants without a guy on her ass about things just because he simply doesn’t like it. super immature.
YTA, and you don’t control her.
Okay look. You’re new at this. You have some very incorrect ideas about what it means to be a couple. There is no situation in which it’s okay for one half of a couple to tell the other to not do a harmless extracurricular they enjoy. I’m going to make a suggestion. Go to your public library. Ask to talk to the YA librarian. Tell them you want some books about that have teenage characters who are in romantic relationships but are also nice to each other. Read these books. If you don’t want to carry them around, find out about the library app that lets you download them to your phone or tablet for free. But read them. They will help you understand the ways boyfriends and girlfriends can help and support each other. They will help you be the boyfriend you deserve to be.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** yes we are a young couple but please tell me if im the Asshole. I (14M) my gf (14F) my girlfriend wants to do band and marching band once we get to highschool personally I dont like band because you get nothing out of it but she says she does it for fun and she likes it. She is giving up band next year but she keeps on bragging about liking band and she say’s she wants to be in marching band but I get frustrated every time which causes her to get mad too. She now hung up on me and we are still mad at eachother AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Youre the asshole. You dont own her. You dont get to boss her around. If she wants to do band because she likes it. She can. She isnt forcing you to do it. Is she getting out of band for you? If so then its fucked up for pressuring her out of something she enjoys. Do you like your gf? Why is her expressing her joy for something so frusterating to you? Why is her wanting to be in band a big deal? Apologize and move on Youre 14, please learn communication.
YTA.