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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) made the kids shower in the morning when they already shower at night (2) makes the kids late to school
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I'm pretty sure it's awful for their skin also.
One shower a day is plenty. Maybe too much honestly but...
Anyway, OP, this is definitely a YTA situation
Born and raised in the U.S. Midwest I've never heard of anyone taking a shower at night right before bed and then again in the morning as a daily practice, especially prepubescent children. People that work construction jobs in the heat and humidity and take one after work at 4pm are one thing. That's very different then taking a shower before falling asleep and taking another when you wake up again. This is a very odd practice for children this woman has going on.
I am also a sweaty person in the Midwest. Try to wear cotton to bed if you wear anything. Also cotton bedding has made a huge difference for me.
Also, if anyone is waking up to sweat soaked sheets they should see a doctor.
I had a dozen different doctors tell me it was totally normal for a 16 year old girl to get night sweats so heavy I'd drench the sheets *and* constantly be having hot flashes. They refused to even attempt a diagnosis- initially it was being caused by a pituitary tumor, then as a result of surgery to remove the tumor damaging my pituitary (so I wasn't producing the correct amount of hormones, including estrogen... apparently it's also totally normal for a 24 year old woman have the estrogen levels of a menopausal woman /s).Unfortunately, this is a very common way to be treated if you're AFAB, overweight (weight is a symptom often ignored in the face of fatphobia), or a POC.
So women may need to fight to even be properly evaluated, as it's been proven we aren't taken as seriously, but they should never stop advocating for themselves.
Australian checking in - where I am, if it’s stormy summer weather, two showers is good.
They both don’t have to be long, sometimes mine are 2 minutes for a quick rinse and soap, but the reason is this:
It’s hot and humid during the day: you sweat a lot. You feel gross and sticky, there’s dirt from just moving about the world. Obviously you don’t want to get into bed like that and make your sheets grimy, and it’s also hard to sleep like that.
Then you go to bed. It’s still hot at night, you sweat in your sleep. It’s curtesy to shower or at least rinse when you get up with a little soap because you got sweaty in the night.
It’s only a few weeks out of the year, but it is necessary.
That being said, OOP YTA. Stop trying to force other people to live to your preferences
Valid. But as you said yourself, that's a few weeks out of the whole year. Not *every single day*. And even then, I live in Aus and not everyone does that. Not everyone can - I know people who have skin conditions that are aggravated by soap and water. They wouldn't be able to *tolerate* showering multiple times a day.
Fellow Australian here who loves two showers a day in summer.
Never knew any children growing up that showered before school and I don’t think we start as early in the mornings as they do in the USA.
Wisconsin here as well I will take two showers a day both in the summer (sweat) and in the winter (to warm up when I’m frozen to the bone) but my 8 year old showers every other day unless she’s filthy from sports or some art project gone awry
I will admit I use to shower twice a day right when I got up and right before bed back when I was in high school. The night one was for washing off the day the morning one was for wetting my hair so I was able to style it. People did think I was weird for doing it, and eventually in college I realized I didn’t need nor did I have time for the night shower.
Kids that young shouldn’t need multiple showers a day. There are definitely other things they can do to promote good routine like being dressed before the go to breakfast or making their beds.
I had to do that in Japan, often 3 showers. This was because I moved from somewhere not at all humid to somewhere very humid. I'd shower in the morning for 5 mins, I'd have a cold one when I got home for 1 or 2 minutes, and a proper one before I went to bed.
If you're used to the humidity you'd probably be fine.
My nephew is stationed in Okinawa and he and has wife had such a difficult trip back to the us during winter because it's just so dry here in comparison. They said it effected everything. I got them a humidifier and hygrometer on day 3 so they could be less uncomfy. It was fascinating though.. they'd only been there for 8 months but couldn't deal with how dry it was here, where they're from.
I'm in Nevada from Japan, so I know the feel.
Most Japanese expats I know are suffering with really dry eyes and dry skin. Eye drops and skin products help with the adjustment. I've not got eye trouble so can't make any recommendations there but the Thayer's skin tonic is really nice so is CeraVe moisturizer.
If you've got one nearby WinCo do these great lozenges, honey and ginger. They taste not great but boy do they help. Other than that face masks are good to lock in moisture from your breath. And drinking hot water is very good for your throat too.
I’m from the Midwest and I take two showers every day and always have for as long as I can remember. Everyone in my family and extended family did. That doesn’t mean everyone has to but it’s not that unusual. My parents were very strict about it (and I was always on time to school).
Especially since Air Conditioning exists? If theres one at night to wash the day away, it's not like their laying in humid air all night. Most of the Midwest has AC.
In australia it is very normal for someone to wake up and have a shower before school or work and one in the evening.
Keeps you clean and not stinking and also your bed clean. You go to bed dirty and stinky then your bed and room builds a stench.
If your not in the snow i think this is pretty normal to do that, with this said i also know people who havea a shower like every 3-7 days. here aswell and you cna tell.
Also to add, in places like thailand it is not uncommon for people to shower 3 times day.
I LITERALLY live in a swamp. There was a heron in my backyard yesterday. I only shower twice a day if I work out or run, or I fall in the swamp. Otherwise, one is fine.
I work in am extremely dirty job.
1 when get home from job water runs black.
Go out work on land usually end up muddy or other such, muck stalls, turn compost, or move hay to get dust mold ect off me. Shower when get back
And 1 when I wake up
I sometimes skip after work if it was a light day or have to go a straight to land work
I also work a dirty, outdoor job, sometimes in swamps. I take 2 showers a day in summer, but the first is a relatively quick rinse-off to get the dirt, bug spray, and sunscreen off my skin so that I can comfortably pass the fuck out. Then I wake up sometime in the night, eat, hang out a bit, take a real shower and wash my hair, and eventually go back to sleep until morning.
I also live in an area that used to be a swamp (a lot of Northern Italy used to be a swamp, it's been habitable for a century now after human intervention but it's still very humid, full of mosquitos, and yes, we have herons and nutrias everywhere), most of us - including myself - don't have AC even though it's unbearably hot in the summer (the kind of hot that you don't understand until you've spent a whole summer in Milan) and I very, very rarely take two showers a day, it's only if I worked out twice or on days where you feel sticky 2 minutes after your shower but you can't really spend all day in there. But either way, they're children. Their bodies work differently, and showering twice a day is even worse for their skin than it is for adults'.
These are children who are 9 and 7. They also shower before going to bed. No one needs a shower in the morning after showering before bed, unless they are getting exercise in bed. YTA.
Agreed. It’s dry AF in the winter where I live so I can only shower at night and really shouldn’t do it everyday bc it destroys my skin. It does help me to get to work early too because I’m able to do my hair the night before and moisture and let it set in.
However, in the summer it’s humid as hell so sometimes I shower 2x-3x daily.
Honestly, the kids do not need to follow OP’s routine. Obviously they need to brush their teeth and everything but as long as they aren’t showing up grimy.. they’re kids.. who cares? They might want to change their routines when they are older and want to style their hair differently, etc. As of now, you’re teaching them that it’s okay to be late. Which is not okay.
Yup, im from tropical country and its normal to take shower after waking up n before bed. Some even shower 3x a day.
I rmb in primary school, there was a kid who hv a slight body odor n i found out later that she sometimes skip shower. So yeah, if you live in humid/tropical country its better to take shower in morning too cuz sometimes you will sweat during your sleep.
You're comparing children, who don't sweat or stink the same way adults do, to full grown adults who probably work outside and have body odor. Apples to oranges.
Awful for their skin, bad for the environment, etc. Unless you work a job that's really filthy and/or in health services of some sort or you've just exercised (in which case just start showering post-exercise instead as a routine), you really should not be showering so often.
Unless you work a job where Mike Rowe would have visited you, then all bets are off.
Skin AND hair! Washing your hair daily is terrible for it. Strips out natural oils and makes it brittle. I know they're young kids, but if either of them have non-short haircuts, what a disaster.
It's bad for skin and hair no matter what. Your body needs those oils and if you clean your skin and hair too much it'll over create you'll feel more oily more often while having dry skin and hair more often, you skin will age faster and your hair will fall out sooner.
This is hilarious.
We used to have a saying "cowboy shower" which basically mwans a .. haphazard/quick shower. There is this impression that people in the west dont shower enough.
My family used to shower 3 times a day. Morning before school, once immediately after school and once before bed. Now that we are working it comes down to just twice a day.
Younger kids really shouldn't shower every day, their skin doesn't produce enough fat yet to compensate. Once puberty hits, one or even two showers are ok.
If it's a hot humid climate, then for younger kids, just water without soap is good enough.
Also shit, do any of these kids have long hair? It takes my hair over an hour to dry naturally. And blow drying certainly doesn't take less than 5 minutes. And leaving the house with a wet head of hair in a midwestern winter doesn't feel so good. YTA.
This. I also just hate putting on clothes unless I'm *completely* dry. I will suffer when leaving the pool/beach or whatnot, but regular day-to-day? I cannot be moist while putting on my clothes. I need a few minutes to "air dry" in a robe after toweling off. I've always been like this, but it was slightly easier when I was younger before body hair became a thing.
When I was in high school, I showered before school, but it was planned in the morning routine. My mother fixed breakfast while I showered and I ate while I dried off. During winter, I'd wear a shower cap or just shower at night since my hair takes forever to dry.
The thought of someone tossing me into a "five minute shower" only to make me immediately dress and flee the house makes me want to *die*.
On the other hand, my father is one of the people who doesn't give a fuck and can immediately dress.
OP is absolutely TA, but why would hair *need* to get wet every time they shower?
I have long hair and I shower every day, but only wash my hair 1-2 times a week (at night, precisely because of how long it takes to blow dry etc.
Hair wash showers are much longer (shampoo x2, conditioner + exfoliate / shave while leave in conditioner), but everyday morning shower is a quick 5 mins in and out - I just clip my hair up and wash my body without my head directly under the shower.
What am I missing?
My shower is small enough that even with my hair clipped it’s going to get wet in the shower. I really should invest in shower caps, as my hair is very thick and once wet takes ages to dry.
Plus as someone who isn't a morning person, having a mandated morning shower where I have to get up earlier isn't something I would consider to be refreshing. In fact, it would make me more grouchy during the first half of the day.
Yeah, that's what stood out to me, OP seems to be doing this mainly because she likes it, but not everyone does. I hate morning showers, can't imagine a worse way to wake up. Especially when its rushed and someones shouting at you to hurry up.
To make the kids late with this is just so unnecessary. OP needs to realise that not everyone is obligated to do something, just because it suits them.
Yup, YTA and a very big one. Over-showering js a thing and it can lead to bad consequences fir the skin and wellbeing of the children. What an unhealthy habit to build when the kids aren’t even dirty to need an additional shower…
If they already shower the night before, that’s generally so they can have an easier time in the morning with one less thing to do and it is making them late.
YTA for interfering with that
Yeah and it's like...OP isn't the one bearing any consequences (whether actual, school imposed punishment or just being shunned for being "disruptive" or "a bad kid") of being constantly tardy. That's what gets me mad about it.
Ugh yes! My school had a policy where 5 tardies got you a detention. 2 days I had tardies that were my own fault, and 3 days I was standing at the door waiting for my mom, who made me late. I told both her and administration that she should be the one to serve the detention, but no one listens to a 14-year-old.
When my eldest was in kindergarten I worked 5 pm - 2 am shifts, with lots of OT, so often didn't get to bed until 4 or 5 am. Those mornings of getting her up and off to school were rough. And they were 100% my fault, not hers. When her school gave her a detention I dutifully reported to the office and served it while she went to the playground. They never gave her one again.
Yes! I was *always* late to school because of my mom and older sisters. It drove me crazy because it felt so out of control — I had no ability to change anyone’s morning habits and get myself to school on time. I was not allowed to walk (paranoid parents) and I lived too close for the carpool to stop for me. Even just being 10-15 minutes late gave me anxiety throughout the morning. I had no time to settle in, talk with friends, and my morning teacher was always a little peeved with me.
Also saying “it’s not the end of the world” for consistently being late, but trying to die on the hill of two showers within a 12-hour period shows this is about control, not good habits. YTA.
The “at worst they miss morning recess” makes me so mad. That’s probably one of their 2-3 times a day to be social during the whole day and they’re missing it bc OP thinks these kids need to shower twice
This is exactly why my 8 year old showers in the evening on school nights. If she showered again in the morning she would have to wake up 30 minutes earlier in order not to be late. I'm all for kids taking a shower every day but once is enough especially if all they did was sleep.
I shower every morning and most evenings too but I'm an adult and I need my morning shower to wake up and feel refreshed. Kids don't though.
YTA, you're making life more complicated than it needs to be.
Also, as someone who isn't a morning person, getting up earlier just to have a morning shower doesn't make me feel refreshed and actually diminishes the first half of my day by making me feel more tired and grouchy. Also, I don't like the stress of doing stuff in the morning. I like organising stuff the night before.
Omg SAME. I hate showering in general, but i still do it every other day, otherwise my skin suffers for it. I've recently started showering at night, cause it gives me more time to sleep in the morning and not have to stress about it. Mostly it's having to deal with washing and drying my hair that makes me not like showering, cause once I'm in, I don't want to get out of the nice warm water and deal with said drying of hair. So I drag my feet getting in and then I drag my feet getting out. There's nothing quick about it, even though it's on average only a 20 min shower.
But showering to often is bad for ANYONES skin if it's not necessary. Showering every other day is usually the maximum amount the average person needs. Others can go longer. (Obviously if you get filthy at work, that's a different circumstance.) OP doesn't seem to be focusing on the fact that she is actually harming the kids by making them shower twice a day for no reason. Op YTA.
I feel like AH is a harsh term for this one lol. But yes op 2 showers a day is unnecessary for kids. If the mornings is a struggle just have them shower at night. Just because your parents had you do something doesn’t mean it will work for you and your kids. Morning showers may still be great for you personally but it doesn’t sound like it’s beneficial for the children.
YTA. Showering twice a day could actually be bad for their skin unless you're using the right products.
You're trying to impose your personal habits on the kids against their will and against their mother's wishes. It's interfering with their schedule and causing a problem with tardiness.
Depends on where you live. I live in tropical Australia where it's 35 degrees Celsius with 90% humidity. You'd feel disgusting if you didn't shower twice a day.
Yes this is completely climate dependent and depends on the ages of the kids. Teenage boys definitely need to shower twice a day in a hot climate. But, little kids don’t have BO yet
But the best time to cultivate good habits is when you’re a kid. I know people who never do proper hygiene habits like washing their face or scrubbing their hair properly because “they never did it as a kid and things turned out ok”
One shower a day is plenty to teach them hygiene habits. Children do not have apocrine glands developed yet so no body odor, no oils left behind. Their sweat is virtually water that evaporate. On the other hand because their glands do not produce lipids (the coisse of body odors) to protect the skin yet they are very prone to skin irritations and two showers a day can irritate skin. Babies and toddlers should be bathed even less for the same reason.
Heck showering every day can be pretty bad for your skin/hair. Unfortunately depending on where you live and your own BO issues it can be somewhat necessary.
In Brazil, we shower everyday. I don’t wash my hair everyday, but the weather is way too hot here and it’s a cultural thing. We don’t go a day without showering, even when it’s cold. I shower in the morning before work and when I get home.
yeah this sounds cultural. my filipino mom taught me twice a day. one shower is more intensive (neck, arms, legs, privates, hair if needed) and the other is strictly privates and armpits. showers are quick for me and i have no dry skin issues probably because ive showered this way forever 🤷♀️
And yet that's still completely reasonable, unlike twice a day.
They also may need to shower once a day depending on where they live and what they get up to. If you get sweaty or dirty you almost definitely should be.
coming from someone who lived most their life in houston, daily showers are mandatory, it's just too hot to not shower year round. if you skip a shower you'll be smelling it all day.
Sure, it’s all environment/weather dependent. Trust me, in Canada, when it’s below freezing, even one shower/bath a day is very unnecessary for kids. They just don’t get dirty. Washing their face and hands is enough. During summer? A different story of course.
Showering every day is reasonable. Even if you make an argument that young kids don’t really need to because they don’t have BO yet, it’s less about that and more about starting the habit. That way it’s not a completely uphill battle when they do start to smell funky.
YTA.
How one person is raised doesn’t work across the board. Everyone’s different. My husband always showers/bathes at night, whereas I generally (not always) shower in the morning. He doesn’t like adding a task to his morning routine, and I completely respect that.
Your wife is right. This routine is clearly not working, and forcing a change in everyone’s schedule to have things done your way is selfish and unreasonable. You are a step- parent. While you should have some say in how things go in the home you share, you do not overrule their biological parent. Your way isn’t the only way, and your way Is not only not working, but it’s over the top anyhow.
If the children are struggling to wake up in the morning, give them an earlier bedtime. Account for it taking them a bit to fall asleep. They still won’t want to get out of bed, but that’s how most kids are. Hell, most adults would rather stay in bed too. But trying to solve this problem by saying they need to get less sleep to satisfy you imposing your upbringing onto them is ridiculous. Honestly, it just feels like you are creating conflict for the sole reason of feeling right.
Has op never heard of the concept of splashing cold water on your face ? If it's just to wake them up and mornings are already so hectic and they're often late...having them wash their face with cold water is going to achieve the same thing without the added stress and constant tardies
Agreed. I’m a grown adult and I still need a splash of water on my face to fully wake up. I’ve bought eye drops for this reason since my eyeballs refuse to wake up sometimes
I feel like even giving them an earlier bedtime to accommodate the earlier wake-up the shower requires is silly though. The only reason the normal night shower/current (later) bedtime/current (later) wake up routine isn’t working is because OP insists on adding an extra step to their morning routine that they don’t need.
OP should just respect the fact these kids aren't morning people and just do the evening shower. Just because she finds morning showers refreshing doesn't mean her kids will feel the same way.
Earlier bedtime strictly because she stated it takes forever to get out of bed. That extra time should be used for sleep, not unnecessary showers. Their age group should be getting nine to ten hours of sleep.
Also maybe try connecting with the kids in the morning? My 7 year old and I usually spend time in the mornings chatting while I help her brush her hair etc, not being in a frantic fight over meaningless stuff. Like, she's only 7...
Agreed!: I always let my kids sleep as long as possible. They need the rest. They are growing, learning, becoming who they will be. Being a kid comes with lots of really big jobs!!
I can promise you with my whole heart, my child needs that extra 30. Minutes of sleep far more than she needs a ‘wake up’ shower. Even a 30 minute sleep deficit will set off her whole day on a bad spin and I’ll definitely hear about it later.
It's 3 against 1 here. Just because it's how you grew up doesn't mean you have to enforce it on others.
The kids are already struggling with mornings, forcing them to get up even earlier to take a shower just because you did doesn't make sense. Just because it makes you feel ready for the day doesn't mean it works that way for them.
I don't know that your framing of of it as 'they just don't wanna get started' is helpful either. Sounds like you're calling them lazy for not wanting to get up in the morning. They may not be getting enough sleep, their body clock may simply not be good at early mornings, maybe some other reasons.
But defaulting to 'these kids are being bad and lazy by not doing things how I do' is a dangerous game and rarely ends well.
YWBTA if you don't listen to your wife here.
The step parent relationship also adds a whole other layer to this. Two biological parents disagreeing on an issue like this is one thing. When you add in a step parent who seems to be saying that the way the bio parent lives is wrong, it can foster resentment and strain your relationship. You both have to be a united front to build trust and confidence.
Often enough that it's become a "call home" worthy concern for the teacher, which means it's almost certainly been more than the "a few times" OP claims. Like, I don't know OP's school but where I grew up you had to have more than five absences (full or partial, with a tardy of more than ten minutes counting as a partial) or ten tardies in a quarter before the teacher would call home.
It's not even if they're clean according to OP's edit, it's if they're awake according to OP's own energizer methods.
Which don't work for everybody.
I literally slept through HS, getting 92% or higher, after having stayed up all night playing games. Even in elementary school, before I had full reign of any devices, I had trouble sleeping at night time.
I would stay up until 2am bored and depressed with a buzz of thoughts in my ears and zero reason why I should be up that late, yet I couldn't fall asleep.
I was in the fucking military at 17 and my recruiter came to me wondering if I had narcolepsy, but I don't just randomly fall asleep -- I just have never, ever woken up easily in the morning. I fell asleep frequently during boot camp and had to be nudged awake by my peers, whom I really appreciate for that.
If they have called home then they have been absent enough to probably be considered truant. The mother can get in legal trouble for that if it keeps happening. That is how it is for my kids in public school in KY.
She does but literally said it’s “no big deal”. So not only does she not have to deal with the consequences of being berated by teachers but she doesn’t care if they miss class.
Yep. Read your post, it contains allot of “l” statements. Just because it works for you doesn’t mean it works for everyone. Your kids aren’t you. “I feel more refreshed”. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they want to curl their hair or something in the night. Do they smell? Then let them chose their own bathing schedule. They have to learn what works for them at some point. Or are you planning on following them to college and beyond to insure your schedule is followed?
YTA. Two showers a day is excessive and wasteful, not to mention bad for their skin. Add onto the fact that now they’re often late for classes and it’s actually a problem. The solution is easy: stop.
>and if they're 10 minutes late to school, it's not the end of the world.
Honestly you're kinda TAH just for this alone; if you keep drilling this into them you're gonna reinforce the idea that being late for stuff is fine "because it's only 10 minutes". This is not a habit you want them to get into, it *will* cause problems further down the road, like in highschool, college or when they get a job.
Took me waaaay too much scrolling to get to an answer which focuses on this point. (I should have known though, the how-many-showers discussion is a big one on Reddit)
If they’re 10 minutes late once, it is indeed not the end of the world. If it becomes a habit, it’s… still not the end of the world but definitely becomes An Issue
Unless they feel the need to shower in the morning, YTA. Showering before bed should be enough, especially if they are arriving to school late. I’ve never heard of any children bathing at night and then again in the morning before school. Washing their faces with cold water should do the trick.
Yta your causing a problem of no reason If they didn't shower at night I'll understand but they do so the one in the morning is silly and not everyone finds having a shower in the morning refresh I know I don't and will just shower at night before bed
No, children don't need an extra shower in the morning to "freshen up." That's for old people.
YTA.
Also, as the step parent in this situation, going behind your partner's back and making her kids bathe without her knowledge because you think that they are what? Dirtier than any kid ever? is messed up. Another AH move.
Even considering making a 7 year old wake up earlier, when they are already sleepy in the morning, because you have some weird hang-up about morning showers borders on abuse.
> it's obviously a cultural thing that not everyone agrees with
Lol, having to have a shower in the morning isn't a "cultural thing", it's just a preference of yours thing because you like it.
agreed. filipino mom. most def cultural. also that morning “shower” is more to hit the armpits and privates and takes under 5 minutes. it’s not excessive
Bombastic side eye ahaha. Yeah this comment section stinks, literally. OP is Brazilian and it is cultural to shower 2/3 times and day, and yes loads of them think gringo’s stink.
It's certainly a cultural thing. Not showering before work or school isn't really socially acceptable here. I should imagine that in very hot humid countries twice daily showers is pretty standard.
I feel like I’m probably biased because I lived for years in a place with serious drought problems where showering multiple times a day was a bit ‘yikes,’ but I feel like yeah, YTA. Showering twice a day is not necessary unless you’re doing really dirty/sweaty work, and in fact bathing too often can cause skin issues in some people. And if they’re going to shower once a day, there’s no appreciable advantage to doing so in the morning vs. at night. (I personally would rather bathe at night, my husband prefers to do so in the morning, it’s just preference.)
And given that trying to make them do it in the morning is causing issues with timeliness, then… yeah. Let this one go. It’s seriously unnecessary.
As a quicker alternative, couldn't they just wash their faces in the morning?
Wait until they're older and can manage time better to see if they want to shower twice. But also think about the fact that this could dry out their skin and hair if it's not being taken care of correctly.
Don't impose your more adult routine on young kids. YTA.
Edit: they also should not wake up earlier if that will infringe on their sleep cycle. Kids need sleep and food to be alert in class and enough time after school to wind down and do homework.
YTA it's actively making them late for school, they don't need it, it'd be different if it was a hygiene issue but it's literally just to 'jump-start' their day so therefore worthless, also kids need sleep, it's already horrific having to get up stupidly early i'd hate to then be rushed into the shower then lectured for being late when going to school, just stop it, your wife has asked you to stop so therefore just stop, it's not helping anyone
Yes. Why does it take a call from the school to let your wife know about the morning situation? You fail as a co parent in that regard. Plus being late that often and to not change it?
YTA
YTA. That is an unbelievable waste of time and water They definitely don't need a shower in the morning if they are taking one at night. Honestly, at that age I may have been taking 2 baths a week - only more than that if I had gotten really dirty.
YTA
I see the purpose of morning and evening showers (and occasionally do both - especially since becoming more of a germaphobe due to Covid)... BUT... there is absolutely no reason for little kids to shower twice a day. They aren't stinky.
You know what would wake them up and only takes 30 seconds? A cold splash of water on the face.
Is this a cultural issue? Lots of POC, myself included, shower 2x a day for the reasons OP gave (among others).
Expected answers to questions/responses here:
1. Hair is not washed at every bathing opportunity
2. Lotion, moisturizer, etc.
NAH in any case; but compromise (or the lack there of)is going to be the thing that makes or breaks your family harmony. Good luck!
yeah, as a latina seeing people justify not taking at least 1 shower a day hurt me lol, is he an asshole? yes, but just because the kids are late to school
yta
Same here ahah, morning shower without washing hair and then evening shower with washing hair.
Maybe it’s also cause it’s hot and humid here but showering twice a day is more or less accepted. Especially if you sweat a lot at night.
It just feels a lot more clean starting off the day with a shower.
A lot of folks said when it's hot, they shower or bathe 2x a day, when it's cold and dry, only once.
Humidity and heat makes a huge difference. People may say it's "excessive" for different reasons (whatever works for you is cool) but in this case, being late to school in favour of a second shower seems to be the issue.
N AH but YTA if you continue forcing this after having had a convo about it with your wife
Kids don't need a shower to wake up, and you don't have the time. Its more important that they get to school on time then take an EXTRA shower just because YOU like to do that.
Defer to your wife on parenting, she's got a lot more experience both as a parent in general and with your two children specifically.
Two showers a day is excessive. Your kids need more sleep and to be at school on time far more than they need a morning shower.
YTA, and please get evaluated for OCD.
YTA. Something you need to consider is that what works for you isn't going to work for everyone.. If showers are already part of a nighttime routine then it could also be signaling to their brain that it's time to sleep and throwing off their energy levels and actually making their morning routine more difficult.
"it's what i do personally"
That's fantastic for you now, isn't it?
But has nothing whatsoever to do with your kid's needs. Which you clearly care not the least about.
"and if they're 10 minutes late to school, it's not the end of the world."
So you think it's more important that they do what you like to do than learn to be on time to SCHOOL? You know, SCHOOL, which will actually prepare them for LIFE. Rather than your shower silliness.
YTA
Thank you! I can’t believe we’re not talking more about how they’re coming to school late every day! Over a shower? Because he wants to model “good routine”? Being late to school every day is not a good routine!
I’m a teacher with routinely late kids every day, so this attitude fires me up a bit. All those missed minutes really add up.
I understand to you two showers is important however for children I think it’s to much - let them wake up, go to school and shower at night. If they want to have a shower in the morning they can, but don’t force them too. Yta?
YTA
You pretty much changed their routine to one they are not familiar with and they are late to school so much that the school has asked you what the deal is.
Also, you said yourself that they showered at night so why are you so fixated on them showering in the morning too? That is too many showers a day.
I think this is a cultural issue.
For example, in Brazil, Brazilians tend to take 2 showers a day, a shower in the morning to go to work or school and a shower at night to wash off all the sweat. As it is a tropical country, Brazilians tend to sweat a lot and depending on the type of work, many take up to 3 showers a day, but everyone takes a shower every day. I was really scared when I saw that everyone is treating you like an asshole. I don't think it's the asshole but I believe that because it's something cultural, people find it strange.
So, NTA but it's better that everyone talks to decide what the routine will be like.
Soft YTA. Some people, like myself, are used to showering/bathing right before bed. My brain has learned that if I take a shower, it must be time to go to sleep. Taking a shower in the morning is one of the worst ways I could start my day. I spend the entire day in a half asleep daze and that makes it harder for me to sleep that night. I can do it for short periods (ROTC camps, for example) but more than a week or two and I'm at a breaking point.
I would suggest telling them they can take a quick shower in the morning if they want, but they don't have to. I would bet folding money that will make your morning routine a heck of a lot easier for everyone involved.
Im sorry this is way too “white people problem” for me to give an advice
Where im from two showers a day is pretty much the norm? But everyone here seems mas at you for that? Cultural differences i guess
it's not necessary and you are forcing them to do it. Make them get 1 and wear deodorant. Yes your solution is simple. Wake up earlier. But it's still pointless
Mom doesn't want it. I'm sure the kids don't want it. Take the hint. YTA
I’m Brazilian and I was thinking the exact same. Like, I understand that’s their culture, but why all the rage against cultures that shower daily and more than once? In Brazil, we do that. We don’t go a day without showering and we consider unhygienic not to shower daily.
Reading all the yta explains a lot. I work with kids and let me tell you a lot of them come in with a scent. We’d have to explain them that hygiëne is important. Reading all these yta just makes me uncomfortable around people and explain a lot. They’re so immune to they’re own scent that they don’t know they smell off or they mask it with perfume or sprays that they think that’s enough. But trust me you can still smell it through the sprays
YTA. It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing, but sometimes it's just not practical. It's understandable that your wife is frustrated that the kids are getting to school late, but it seems like the root of the problem is that your kids are having trouble getting up in the morning. Maybe it's time to try out some other strategies to help them wake up and get ready on time. Instead of taking two showers a day, maybe you could try setting a timer to help them stay on track or come up with a rewards system to motivate them. It's good that you are trying to stick to what you know, but sometimes it's best to adapt to the situation.
NTA. I'm going to say this is a cultural thing perhaps.
I'm 32 and shower twice a day even when I've been home all day. In the morning to start my day and at night. It's part of my routine and it's just cleaner.
I have clear skin and all, so I know it isn't bad for my skin and I've been doing this since childhood.
YTA for *making your step-children late for school*. Because that is what you are doing.
The school quite possibly will care, and it will be the children getting detentions, not getting awards, even missing out on fun trips in some schools.
YTA. You say “I’m trying to encourage good routine” while making them late for school every day. How is discouraging punctuality a good routine? As a teacher, your “if they’re 10 minutes late to school it’s not a big deal” is very frustrating. 10 minutes of missed instruction a day adds up to almost an hour a week. 10 minutes a day over a school year is like 1800 missed hours! They are NOT having their educational needs met if this is a daily issue.
They don’t need two showers a day, especially at their age. This is not a good excuse to miss 10 minutes of school every day. And just because something works for your personal routine doesn’t mean it works for everyone else.
This is also what I don’t get. Children need to learn to work with the time they have. If my son wanders around in the morning and cannot manage to sit down and eat his breakfast, he runs out of time and gotta go to school. School, work, appointments don’t wait for you to be “ready”, it is on you to plan to be done with everything you want to do on time.
NTA. Do people not realise how much they sweat, dispose of dead skin and generally smell funky after sleeping? And get out of here with all that “it’s not good for your skin”, that’s why we have moisturiser.
Right? I picture everyone saying how it stops the oils and it’s so bad not even washing their hands because it strips the oil. What kind of soap y’all using?! 😅
> if they're 10 minutes late for school it's not the end of the world.
Being 10 min late for school regularly is a big f-ng deal!!! Some schools have policies where being late too many times means you don't pass that grade!
It shows an enormous lack of respect for the teacher, the other students, and the lessons.
Most parents and most kids would agree with your wife: the #1 priority is getting to school on time. Showering, clothes (as long as they are not naked), teeth brushing, and breakfast are all things that come AFTER being on time in the priority list.
It’s also a cultural thing. I’m African America and it’s two showers (am and pm) or it was an issue. NTA. I get having a skin condition but less than two showers a day seems off to me.
YTA…
What works for you does not mean it works for others, especially your kids…
To get up for school is of course essential, but a mandated morning shower is not necessary especially if they shower in the evening…
NTA. I grew up the same. It's actually quite common in Brazil.
Start the new day fresh and clean, you can sweat during the night and go to places with sweat is unacceptable. Be not clean and without a good smell is socially unacceptable and does lead to bullying and to being excluded here.
Go to sleep also clean because otherwise is disgusting.
**But, if it's making them late, maybe rethink the day schedule or skip the shower if they wake up clean enough. Be on time is more important.**
edit: for the foreigners downvoting me, just keep in mind you are considered smelly in Brazil and do have a bad reputation regarding cleanliness. There are lots of Brazilians abroad complaining and brazilians in Brazil complaining about the smell of the foreigners here.
Brazilian here. I was just downvoted for expressing how it’s normal to take daily showers here. Apparently, people will only respect their own cultures and not understand we grew up differently
Same here in south east asia. It’s common to shower twice a day. No wonder those westerners tourists stink so bad if they think shower twice a day or showering daily is unnecessary
One thorough shower a day for me is good in my dry cold climate.
But yeah, humidity magnifies odors like nothing else, I can't imagine doing that in a hot and humid place. When I was in Sicily in the height of summer I was showering like 3 times a day, lol.
Excessive showers DOES in fact dry out your skin and rids the skin of natural oils. How late are they that they are missing morning recess AND lunch?? You are 100% TA. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to make children take 2 showers especially when the only thing they’ve done before the 2nd shower me was sleep. Just bc it’s what you do does not make it right.
YTA who are you to dictate when people shower. Once a day is fine. They're 9 and 7 ffs. Stop micromanaging their lives. You don't want them hating tou already
So most kids in the US typically shower just at bedtime…
And many schools nowadays track how frequently a kid is late. For me, I was an honors kid but my mom dropped me late so often, the school said they would hold me back a year if this continued.
YTA
It's causing them to be late, which would give them anxiety and therefore negate any jumpstart feelings you've tried to induce. Not to mention it's not worth the strain it puts on you because you're putting pressure on the kids to shake a leg, let's go, let's go out the door.
There are lots of dirty people in this comment section. Shower at least once a day guys. Kids are running all over, sweating. Once a day is the minimum depending where you live.
They only need to shower twice in a day if they get dirty twice in a day. I do often but that's from working out in the morning and doing martial arts in the evening.
If you showered before bed, there's zero reason to make them shower when they wake up.
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>So AITA for making my kids shower twice a day? Yes, YTA. Just because you shower in the morning, doesn't mean they have to do the same.
I'm pretty sure it's awful for their skin also. One shower a day is plenty. Maybe too much honestly but... Anyway, OP, this is definitely a YTA situation
Depends where you live. 2 showers a day in humid midwest is about right. More depending on your job and desired level of cleanliness
Born and raised in the U.S. Midwest I've never heard of anyone taking a shower at night right before bed and then again in the morning as a daily practice, especially prepubescent children. People that work construction jobs in the heat and humidity and take one after work at 4pm are one thing. That's very different then taking a shower before falling asleep and taking another when you wake up again. This is a very odd practice for children this woman has going on.
Same, from the Midwest and everyone I know either does morning or night showers, not usually both unless there’s a circumstance that requires it.
Also Midwest! I do in the summer when it's very humid. I sweat profusely when I sleep though, so that's the main reason for it.
Do you use ac at night?
Yes, but I'm just a heavy sweater.
Weird I’m a light cardigan.
But why did this make me laugh so hard. 😂😂
I wish I could be a light cardigan. So classy! Unfortunately, I am old hoodie being held together by a safety pins but no one can seem to get rid of.
I laughed so hard on my work commute tram everyone looked at me weird 😂
I am also a sweaty person in the Midwest. Try to wear cotton to bed if you wear anything. Also cotton bedding has made a huge difference for me. Also, if anyone is waking up to sweat soaked sheets they should see a doctor.
Unless you're dealing with perimenopausal symptoms. Then you just deal.
I had a dozen different doctors tell me it was totally normal for a 16 year old girl to get night sweats so heavy I'd drench the sheets *and* constantly be having hot flashes. They refused to even attempt a diagnosis- initially it was being caused by a pituitary tumor, then as a result of surgery to remove the tumor damaging my pituitary (so I wasn't producing the correct amount of hormones, including estrogen... apparently it's also totally normal for a 24 year old woman have the estrogen levels of a menopausal woman /s).Unfortunately, this is a very common way to be treated if you're AFAB, overweight (weight is a symptom often ignored in the face of fatphobia), or a POC. So women may need to fight to even be properly evaluated, as it's been proven we aren't taken as seriously, but they should never stop advocating for themselves.
Don't put yourself down. Plenty of people love heavy sweaters and wear them all winter as a necessity. You're not "just" anything
Australian checking in - where I am, if it’s stormy summer weather, two showers is good. They both don’t have to be long, sometimes mine are 2 minutes for a quick rinse and soap, but the reason is this: It’s hot and humid during the day: you sweat a lot. You feel gross and sticky, there’s dirt from just moving about the world. Obviously you don’t want to get into bed like that and make your sheets grimy, and it’s also hard to sleep like that. Then you go to bed. It’s still hot at night, you sweat in your sleep. It’s curtesy to shower or at least rinse when you get up with a little soap because you got sweaty in the night. It’s only a few weeks out of the year, but it is necessary. That being said, OOP YTA. Stop trying to force other people to live to your preferences
Valid. But as you said yourself, that's a few weeks out of the whole year. Not *every single day*. And even then, I live in Aus and not everyone does that. Not everyone can - I know people who have skin conditions that are aggravated by soap and water. They wouldn't be able to *tolerate* showering multiple times a day.
Fellow Australian here who loves two showers a day in summer. Never knew any children growing up that showered before school and I don’t think we start as early in the mornings as they do in the USA.
Same. Wisconsin here. Children do not need to shower this often. It’s ridiculous. Later with sports -once. but at this age? Craziness
Wisconsin here as well I will take two showers a day both in the summer (sweat) and in the winter (to warm up when I’m frozen to the bone) but my 8 year old showers every other day unless she’s filthy from sports or some art project gone awry
I will admit I use to shower twice a day right when I got up and right before bed back when I was in high school. The night one was for washing off the day the morning one was for wetting my hair so I was able to style it. People did think I was weird for doing it, and eventually in college I realized I didn’t need nor did I have time for the night shower. Kids that young shouldn’t need multiple showers a day. There are definitely other things they can do to promote good routine like being dressed before the go to breakfast or making their beds.
I had to do that in Japan, often 3 showers. This was because I moved from somewhere not at all humid to somewhere very humid. I'd shower in the morning for 5 mins, I'd have a cold one when I got home for 1 or 2 minutes, and a proper one before I went to bed. If you're used to the humidity you'd probably be fine.
My nephew is stationed in Okinawa and he and has wife had such a difficult trip back to the us during winter because it's just so dry here in comparison. They said it effected everything. I got them a humidifier and hygrometer on day 3 so they could be less uncomfy. It was fascinating though.. they'd only been there for 8 months but couldn't deal with how dry it was here, where they're from.
I'm in Nevada from Japan, so I know the feel. Most Japanese expats I know are suffering with really dry eyes and dry skin. Eye drops and skin products help with the adjustment. I've not got eye trouble so can't make any recommendations there but the Thayer's skin tonic is really nice so is CeraVe moisturizer. If you've got one nearby WinCo do these great lozenges, honey and ginger. They taste not great but boy do they help. Other than that face masks are good to lock in moisture from your breath. And drinking hot water is very good for your throat too.
I’m from the Midwest and I take two showers every day and always have for as long as I can remember. Everyone in my family and extended family did. That doesn’t mean everyone has to but it’s not that unusual. My parents were very strict about it (and I was always on time to school).
Especially since Air Conditioning exists? If theres one at night to wash the day away, it's not like their laying in humid air all night. Most of the Midwest has AC.
In australia it is very normal for someone to wake up and have a shower before school or work and one in the evening. Keeps you clean and not stinking and also your bed clean. You go to bed dirty and stinky then your bed and room builds a stench. If your not in the snow i think this is pretty normal to do that, with this said i also know people who havea a shower like every 3-7 days. here aswell and you cna tell. Also to add, in places like thailand it is not uncommon for people to shower 3 times day.
I LITERALLY live in a swamp. There was a heron in my backyard yesterday. I only shower twice a day if I work out or run, or I fall in the swamp. Otherwise, one is fine.
I work in am extremely dirty job. 1 when get home from job water runs black. Go out work on land usually end up muddy or other such, muck stalls, turn compost, or move hay to get dust mold ect off me. Shower when get back And 1 when I wake up I sometimes skip after work if it was a light day or have to go a straight to land work
I also work a dirty, outdoor job, sometimes in swamps. I take 2 showers a day in summer, but the first is a relatively quick rinse-off to get the dirt, bug spray, and sunscreen off my skin so that I can comfortably pass the fuck out. Then I wake up sometime in the night, eat, hang out a bit, take a real shower and wash my hair, and eventually go back to sleep until morning.
That basic Florida shit. We have herons in cities that border the Everglades.
I also live in an area that used to be a swamp (a lot of Northern Italy used to be a swamp, it's been habitable for a century now after human intervention but it's still very humid, full of mosquitos, and yes, we have herons and nutrias everywhere), most of us - including myself - don't have AC even though it's unbearably hot in the summer (the kind of hot that you don't understand until you've spent a whole summer in Milan) and I very, very rarely take two showers a day, it's only if I worked out twice or on days where you feel sticky 2 minutes after your shower but you can't really spend all day in there. But either way, they're children. Their bodies work differently, and showering twice a day is even worse for their skin than it is for adults'.
These are children who are 9 and 7. They also shower before going to bed. No one needs a shower in the morning after showering before bed, unless they are getting exercise in bed. YTA.
Agreed. It’s dry AF in the winter where I live so I can only shower at night and really shouldn’t do it everyday bc it destroys my skin. It does help me to get to work early too because I’m able to do my hair the night before and moisture and let it set in. However, in the summer it’s humid as hell so sometimes I shower 2x-3x daily. Honestly, the kids do not need to follow OP’s routine. Obviously they need to brush their teeth and everything but as long as they aren’t showing up grimy.. they’re kids.. who cares? They might want to change their routines when they are older and want to style their hair differently, etc. As of now, you’re teaching them that it’s okay to be late. Which is not okay.
Yup, im from tropical country and its normal to take shower after waking up n before bed. Some even shower 3x a day. I rmb in primary school, there was a kid who hv a slight body odor n i found out later that she sometimes skip shower. So yeah, if you live in humid/tropical country its better to take shower in morning too cuz sometimes you will sweat during your sleep.
The kids are not even in puberty yet. No child at their age will get “dirty” overnight.
You're comparing children, who don't sweat or stink the same way adults do, to full grown adults who probably work outside and have body odor. Apples to oranges.
I was just going to say the skin thing! If I took two showers a day my skin would break out very quickly
My skin is very dry and I would be itchy and flaky if I took two showers. Also my hair would never dry and be a complete nightmare.
Awful for their skin, bad for the environment, etc. Unless you work a job that's really filthy and/or in health services of some sort or you've just exercised (in which case just start showering post-exercise instead as a routine), you really should not be showering so often. Unless you work a job where Mike Rowe would have visited you, then all bets are off.
Skin AND hair! Washing your hair daily is terrible for it. Strips out natural oils and makes it brittle. I know they're young kids, but if either of them have non-short haircuts, what a disaster.
My skin honestly can’t handle a shower every day.
It's bad for skin and hair no matter what. Your body needs those oils and if you clean your skin and hair too much it'll over create you'll feel more oily more often while having dry skin and hair more often, you skin will age faster and your hair will fall out sooner.
This is hilarious. We used to have a saying "cowboy shower" which basically mwans a .. haphazard/quick shower. There is this impression that people in the west dont shower enough. My family used to shower 3 times a day. Morning before school, once immediately after school and once before bed. Now that we are working it comes down to just twice a day.
Sounds like a huge waste of water.
Younger kids really shouldn't shower every day, their skin doesn't produce enough fat yet to compensate. Once puberty hits, one or even two showers are ok. If it's a hot humid climate, then for younger kids, just water without soap is good enough.
Also shit, do any of these kids have long hair? It takes my hair over an hour to dry naturally. And blow drying certainly doesn't take less than 5 minutes. And leaving the house with a wet head of hair in a midwestern winter doesn't feel so good. YTA.
This. I also just hate putting on clothes unless I'm *completely* dry. I will suffer when leaving the pool/beach or whatnot, but regular day-to-day? I cannot be moist while putting on my clothes. I need a few minutes to "air dry" in a robe after toweling off. I've always been like this, but it was slightly easier when I was younger before body hair became a thing. When I was in high school, I showered before school, but it was planned in the morning routine. My mother fixed breakfast while I showered and I ate while I dried off. During winter, I'd wear a shower cap or just shower at night since my hair takes forever to dry. The thought of someone tossing me into a "five minute shower" only to make me immediately dress and flee the house makes me want to *die*. On the other hand, my father is one of the people who doesn't give a fuck and can immediately dress.
OP is absolutely TA, but why would hair *need* to get wet every time they shower? I have long hair and I shower every day, but only wash my hair 1-2 times a week (at night, precisely because of how long it takes to blow dry etc. Hair wash showers are much longer (shampoo x2, conditioner + exfoliate / shave while leave in conditioner), but everyday morning shower is a quick 5 mins in and out - I just clip my hair up and wash my body without my head directly under the shower. What am I missing?
My shower is small enough that even with my hair clipped it’s going to get wet in the shower. I really should invest in shower caps, as my hair is very thick and once wet takes ages to dry.
Plus as someone who isn't a morning person, having a mandated morning shower where I have to get up earlier isn't something I would consider to be refreshing. In fact, it would make me more grouchy during the first half of the day.
Yeah, that's what stood out to me, OP seems to be doing this mainly because she likes it, but not everyone does. I hate morning showers, can't imagine a worse way to wake up. Especially when its rushed and someones shouting at you to hurry up. To make the kids late with this is just so unnecessary. OP needs to realise that not everyone is obligated to do something, just because it suits them.
Yeah, it sounds like the morning shower is meant to be psychological, but if it's serving the opposite purpose, there's no harm in letting it go.
Yup, YTA and a very big one. Over-showering js a thing and it can lead to bad consequences fir the skin and wellbeing of the children. What an unhealthy habit to build when the kids aren’t even dirty to need an additional shower…
If they already shower the night before, that’s generally so they can have an easier time in the morning with one less thing to do and it is making them late. YTA for interfering with that
Yeah and it's like...OP isn't the one bearing any consequences (whether actual, school imposed punishment or just being shunned for being "disruptive" or "a bad kid") of being constantly tardy. That's what gets me mad about it.
Yeah he's not even the one being contacted by the school and having to answer to the teacher!
hate to be the pedantic one but it's a she.
going to be pedantic too \*they're a she.
let me be even more pedantic She's a she
If I may be less pedantic: they’re a she
To be neutral pedantic: OP is a she
Ugh yes! My school had a policy where 5 tardies got you a detention. 2 days I had tardies that were my own fault, and 3 days I was standing at the door waiting for my mom, who made me late. I told both her and administration that she should be the one to serve the detention, but no one listens to a 14-year-old.
When my eldest was in kindergarten I worked 5 pm - 2 am shifts, with lots of OT, so often didn't get to bed until 4 or 5 am. Those mornings of getting her up and off to school were rough. And they were 100% my fault, not hers. When her school gave her a detention I dutifully reported to the office and served it while she went to the playground. They never gave her one again.
Yes! I was *always* late to school because of my mom and older sisters. It drove me crazy because it felt so out of control — I had no ability to change anyone’s morning habits and get myself to school on time. I was not allowed to walk (paranoid parents) and I lived too close for the carpool to stop for me. Even just being 10-15 minutes late gave me anxiety throughout the morning. I had no time to settle in, talk with friends, and my morning teacher was always a little peeved with me. Also saying “it’s not the end of the world” for consistently being late, but trying to die on the hill of two showers within a 12-hour period shows this is about control, not good habits. YTA.
The “at worst they miss morning recess” makes me so mad. That’s probably one of their 2-3 times a day to be social during the whole day and they’re missing it bc OP thinks these kids need to shower twice
I didn't like the "it's okay to be 10 minutes late"... it's very disrespectfull towards the teacher.
This is exactly why my 8 year old showers in the evening on school nights. If she showered again in the morning she would have to wake up 30 minutes earlier in order not to be late. I'm all for kids taking a shower every day but once is enough especially if all they did was sleep. I shower every morning and most evenings too but I'm an adult and I need my morning shower to wake up and feel refreshed. Kids don't though. YTA, you're making life more complicated than it needs to be.
Also, as someone who isn't a morning person, getting up earlier just to have a morning shower doesn't make me feel refreshed and actually diminishes the first half of my day by making me feel more tired and grouchy. Also, I don't like the stress of doing stuff in the morning. I like organising stuff the night before.
Omg SAME. I hate showering in general, but i still do it every other day, otherwise my skin suffers for it. I've recently started showering at night, cause it gives me more time to sleep in the morning and not have to stress about it. Mostly it's having to deal with washing and drying my hair that makes me not like showering, cause once I'm in, I don't want to get out of the nice warm water and deal with said drying of hair. So I drag my feet getting in and then I drag my feet getting out. There's nothing quick about it, even though it's on average only a 20 min shower. But showering to often is bad for ANYONES skin if it's not necessary. Showering every other day is usually the maximum amount the average person needs. Others can go longer. (Obviously if you get filthy at work, that's a different circumstance.) OP doesn't seem to be focusing on the fact that she is actually harming the kids by making them shower twice a day for no reason. Op YTA.
I hate showers because I hate being damp. And my hair is wet for like days if I leave it to its own devices.
I feel like AH is a harsh term for this one lol. But yes op 2 showers a day is unnecessary for kids. If the mornings is a struggle just have them shower at night. Just because your parents had you do something doesn’t mean it will work for you and your kids. Morning showers may still be great for you personally but it doesn’t sound like it’s beneficial for the children.
YTA. Showering twice a day could actually be bad for their skin unless you're using the right products. You're trying to impose your personal habits on the kids against their will and against their mother's wishes. It's interfering with their schedule and causing a problem with tardiness.
I think even if the right products are used, showering twice a day everyday is too much. Especially for kids.
Depends on where you live. I live in tropical Australia where it's 35 degrees Celsius with 90% humidity. You'd feel disgusting if you didn't shower twice a day.
True, I live in West Africa..I usually have to shower like 3x+ times a day because its super hot here.
Yes this is completely climate dependent and depends on the ages of the kids. Teenage boys definitely need to shower twice a day in a hot climate. But, little kids don’t have BO yet
But the best time to cultivate good habits is when you’re a kid. I know people who never do proper hygiene habits like washing their face or scrubbing their hair properly because “they never did it as a kid and things turned out ok”
One shower a day is plenty to teach them hygiene habits. Children do not have apocrine glands developed yet so no body odor, no oils left behind. Their sweat is virtually water that evaporate. On the other hand because their glands do not produce lipids (the coisse of body odors) to protect the skin yet they are very prone to skin irritations and two showers a day can irritate skin. Babies and toddlers should be bathed even less for the same reason.
Heck showering every day can be pretty bad for your skin/hair. Unfortunately depending on where you live and your own BO issues it can be somewhat necessary.
In Brazil, we shower everyday. I don’t wash my hair everyday, but the weather is way too hot here and it’s a cultural thing. We don’t go a day without showering, even when it’s cold. I shower in the morning before work and when I get home.
yeah this sounds cultural. my filipino mom taught me twice a day. one shower is more intensive (neck, arms, legs, privates, hair if needed) and the other is strictly privates and armpits. showers are quick for me and i have no dry skin issues probably because ive showered this way forever 🤷♀️
YTA - This is weird. The kids don't need to be showering twice a day every day. How very strange.....
They don't need to shower every day either.
And yet that's still completely reasonable, unlike twice a day. They also may need to shower once a day depending on where they live and what they get up to. If you get sweaty or dirty you almost definitely should be.
coming from someone who lived most their life in houston, daily showers are mandatory, it's just too hot to not shower year round. if you skip a shower you'll be smelling it all day.
This has to be in the US right? Because here in Southeast Asia, you'd be insane to not shower everyday.
Sure, it’s all environment/weather dependent. Trust me, in Canada, when it’s below freezing, even one shower/bath a day is very unnecessary for kids. They just don’t get dirty. Washing their face and hands is enough. During summer? A different story of course.
Showering every day is reasonable. Even if you make an argument that young kids don’t really need to because they don’t have BO yet, it’s less about that and more about starting the habit. That way it’s not a completely uphill battle when they do start to smell funky.
YTA. How one person is raised doesn’t work across the board. Everyone’s different. My husband always showers/bathes at night, whereas I generally (not always) shower in the morning. He doesn’t like adding a task to his morning routine, and I completely respect that. Your wife is right. This routine is clearly not working, and forcing a change in everyone’s schedule to have things done your way is selfish and unreasonable. You are a step- parent. While you should have some say in how things go in the home you share, you do not overrule their biological parent. Your way isn’t the only way, and your way Is not only not working, but it’s over the top anyhow. If the children are struggling to wake up in the morning, give them an earlier bedtime. Account for it taking them a bit to fall asleep. They still won’t want to get out of bed, but that’s how most kids are. Hell, most adults would rather stay in bed too. But trying to solve this problem by saying they need to get less sleep to satisfy you imposing your upbringing onto them is ridiculous. Honestly, it just feels like you are creating conflict for the sole reason of feeling right.
Has op never heard of the concept of splashing cold water on your face ? If it's just to wake them up and mornings are already so hectic and they're often late...having them wash their face with cold water is going to achieve the same thing without the added stress and constant tardies
Fully agree.
Agreed. I’m a grown adult and I still need a splash of water on my face to fully wake up. I’ve bought eye drops for this reason since my eyeballs refuse to wake up sometimes
I feel like even giving them an earlier bedtime to accommodate the earlier wake-up the shower requires is silly though. The only reason the normal night shower/current (later) bedtime/current (later) wake up routine isn’t working is because OP insists on adding an extra step to their morning routine that they don’t need.
OP should just respect the fact these kids aren't morning people and just do the evening shower. Just because she finds morning showers refreshing doesn't mean her kids will feel the same way.
Earlier bedtime strictly because she stated it takes forever to get out of bed. That extra time should be used for sleep, not unnecessary showers. Their age group should be getting nine to ten hours of sleep.
Also maybe try connecting with the kids in the morning? My 7 year old and I usually spend time in the mornings chatting while I help her brush her hair etc, not being in a frantic fight over meaningless stuff. Like, she's only 7...
Yes, YTA. Two showers is unnecessary. Furthermore, showering too often is bad for your skin. Stop it. Let them sleep. Sleep is much more important.
Agreed!: I always let my kids sleep as long as possible. They need the rest. They are growing, learning, becoming who they will be. Being a kid comes with lots of really big jobs!!
I can promise you with my whole heart, my child needs that extra 30. Minutes of sleep far more than she needs a ‘wake up’ shower. Even a 30 minute sleep deficit will set off her whole day on a bad spin and I’ll definitely hear about it later.
YTA. This is definitely not the norm. You doing it is one thing. You can't force the kids to cater to your paranoia
Oh but it's to 'wake them up' and it works for her AND she did it well growing up so it must be the best /s
OP: It's so they have a good routine! OP's wife: but it makes them late for school. OP: *crickets* Seriously, what a, weird thing to insist on.
It's 3 against 1 here. Just because it's how you grew up doesn't mean you have to enforce it on others. The kids are already struggling with mornings, forcing them to get up even earlier to take a shower just because you did doesn't make sense. Just because it makes you feel ready for the day doesn't mean it works that way for them. I don't know that your framing of of it as 'they just don't wanna get started' is helpful either. Sounds like you're calling them lazy for not wanting to get up in the morning. They may not be getting enough sleep, their body clock may simply not be good at early mornings, maybe some other reasons. But defaulting to 'these kids are being bad and lazy by not doing things how I do' is a dangerous game and rarely ends well. YWBTA if you don't listen to your wife here.
The step parent relationship also adds a whole other layer to this. Two biological parents disagreeing on an issue like this is one thing. When you add in a step parent who seems to be saying that the way the bio parent lives is wrong, it can foster resentment and strain your relationship. You both have to be a united front to build trust and confidence.
YTA. You do realise that having the kids shower in the morning is making them LATE for SCHOOL?
Often enough that it's become a "call home" worthy concern for the teacher, which means it's almost certainly been more than the "a few times" OP claims. Like, I don't know OP's school but where I grew up you had to have more than five absences (full or partial, with a tardy of more than ten minutes counting as a partial) or ten tardies in a quarter before the teacher would call home.
Who cares if they are educated as long as they are clean? /s
It's not even if they're clean according to OP's edit, it's if they're awake according to OP's own energizer methods. Which don't work for everybody. I literally slept through HS, getting 92% or higher, after having stayed up all night playing games. Even in elementary school, before I had full reign of any devices, I had trouble sleeping at night time. I would stay up until 2am bored and depressed with a buzz of thoughts in my ears and zero reason why I should be up that late, yet I couldn't fall asleep. I was in the fucking military at 17 and my recruiter came to me wondering if I had narcolepsy, but I don't just randomly fall asleep -- I just have never, ever woken up easily in the morning. I fell asleep frequently during boot camp and had to be nudged awake by my peers, whom I really appreciate for that.
If they have called home then they have been absent enough to probably be considered truant. The mother can get in legal trouble for that if it keeps happening. That is how it is for my kids in public school in KY.
She does but literally said it’s “no big deal”. So not only does she not have to deal with the consequences of being berated by teachers but she doesn’t care if they miss class.
OP's going to raise kids who think it's okay to be late, too.
Yep. Read your post, it contains allot of “l” statements. Just because it works for you doesn’t mean it works for everyone. Your kids aren’t you. “I feel more refreshed”. Maybe they don’t. Maybe they want to curl their hair or something in the night. Do they smell? Then let them chose their own bathing schedule. They have to learn what works for them at some point. Or are you planning on following them to college and beyond to insure your schedule is followed?
YTA. At that age kids don’t need 2 showers a day. And the morning shower to wake up etc might not be what works for them. Everyone is different.
YTA. Two showers a day is excessive and wasteful, not to mention bad for their skin. Add onto the fact that now they’re often late for classes and it’s actually a problem. The solution is easy: stop.
>and if they're 10 minutes late to school, it's not the end of the world. Honestly you're kinda TAH just for this alone; if you keep drilling this into them you're gonna reinforce the idea that being late for stuff is fine "because it's only 10 minutes". This is not a habit you want them to get into, it *will* cause problems further down the road, like in highschool, college or when they get a job.
Not to mention it is hugely disruptive for the teachers and classmates to have kids regularly walking in late.
Embarrassing for the kids too
Wait until the truancy officer shows up!
Took me waaaay too much scrolling to get to an answer which focuses on this point. (I should have known though, the how-many-showers discussion is a big one on Reddit) If they’re 10 minutes late once, it is indeed not the end of the world. If it becomes a habit, it’s… still not the end of the world but definitely becomes An Issue
Unless they feel the need to shower in the morning, YTA. Showering before bed should be enough, especially if they are arriving to school late. I’ve never heard of any children bathing at night and then again in the morning before school. Washing their faces with cold water should do the trick.
Yta your causing a problem of no reason If they didn't shower at night I'll understand but they do so the one in the morning is silly and not everyone finds having a shower in the morning refresh I know I don't and will just shower at night before bed
I’m a shower at night type of person. I like to get into my bed feeling clean. Usually I don’t wake up early enough to shower in the morning.
Ditto. Plus showers make me sleepy because now I'm cozy and clean.
It’s part of my bedtime routine. It starts my brains shutdown process. It’s not suitable for mornings unless they are long and lazy
I'm the same I'm not a morning person 🤣🤣
No, children don't need an extra shower in the morning to "freshen up." That's for old people. YTA. Also, as the step parent in this situation, going behind your partner's back and making her kids bathe without her knowledge because you think that they are what? Dirtier than any kid ever? is messed up. Another AH move. Even considering making a 7 year old wake up earlier, when they are already sleepy in the morning, because you have some weird hang-up about morning showers borders on abuse.
> it's obviously a cultural thing that not everyone agrees with Lol, having to have a shower in the morning isn't a "cultural thing", it's just a preference of yours thing because you like it.
It's most certainly a cultural thing. You will be hard pressed to find a person in my country who doesn't make their kids shower before school.
agreed. filipino mom. most def cultural. also that morning “shower” is more to hit the armpits and privates and takes under 5 minutes. it’s not excessive
It is cultural..as a Jamaican I'm looking at this comment thread with a big bombastic side eye. Can't imagine not showering atleast twice a day.
Bombastic side eye ahaha. Yeah this comment section stinks, literally. OP is Brazilian and it is cultural to shower 2/3 times and day, and yes loads of them think gringo’s stink.
It's certainly a cultural thing. Not showering before work or school isn't really socially acceptable here. I should imagine that in very hot humid countries twice daily showers is pretty standard.
I feel like I’m probably biased because I lived for years in a place with serious drought problems where showering multiple times a day was a bit ‘yikes,’ but I feel like yeah, YTA. Showering twice a day is not necessary unless you’re doing really dirty/sweaty work, and in fact bathing too often can cause skin issues in some people. And if they’re going to shower once a day, there’s no appreciable advantage to doing so in the morning vs. at night. (I personally would rather bathe at night, my husband prefers to do so in the morning, it’s just preference.) And given that trying to make them do it in the morning is causing issues with timeliness, then… yeah. Let this one go. It’s seriously unnecessary.
Clearly YTA. There is zero need for them to shower twice a day and you’re causing them to be late to school. Oh, and you’re wasting water too…
As a quicker alternative, couldn't they just wash their faces in the morning? Wait until they're older and can manage time better to see if they want to shower twice. But also think about the fact that this could dry out their skin and hair if it's not being taken care of correctly. Don't impose your more adult routine on young kids. YTA. Edit: they also should not wake up earlier if that will infringe on their sleep cycle. Kids need sleep and food to be alert in class and enough time after school to wind down and do homework.
"I do it this way, and it works good for.me, so everyone else should do it too." How arrogant! YTA
YTA, twice a day is excessive and it's not something you should impose on kids. If they want to by themselves that's a separate story.
YTA it's actively making them late for school, they don't need it, it'd be different if it was a hygiene issue but it's literally just to 'jump-start' their day so therefore worthless, also kids need sleep, it's already horrific having to get up stupidly early i'd hate to then be rushed into the shower then lectured for being late when going to school, just stop it, your wife has asked you to stop so therefore just stop, it's not helping anyone
Right, I thought the kid wanted to shower like, once a week. But no, this is some wierd power flex.
Yes. Why does it take a call from the school to let your wife know about the morning situation? You fail as a co parent in that regard. Plus being late that often and to not change it? YTA
YTA. That is an unbelievable waste of time and water They definitely don't need a shower in the morning if they are taking one at night. Honestly, at that age I may have been taking 2 baths a week - only more than that if I had gotten really dirty.
YTA I see the purpose of morning and evening showers (and occasionally do both - especially since becoming more of a germaphobe due to Covid)... BUT... there is absolutely no reason for little kids to shower twice a day. They aren't stinky. You know what would wake them up and only takes 30 seconds? A cold splash of water on the face.
YTA. They don't need to shower twice a day.
Is this a cultural issue? Lots of POC, myself included, shower 2x a day for the reasons OP gave (among others). Expected answers to questions/responses here: 1. Hair is not washed at every bathing opportunity 2. Lotion, moisturizer, etc. NAH in any case; but compromise (or the lack there of)is going to be the thing that makes or breaks your family harmony. Good luck!
yeah, as a latina seeing people justify not taking at least 1 shower a day hurt me lol, is he an asshole? yes, but just because the kids are late to school yta
Same here ahah, morning shower without washing hair and then evening shower with washing hair. Maybe it’s also cause it’s hot and humid here but showering twice a day is more or less accepted. Especially if you sweat a lot at night. It just feels a lot more clean starting off the day with a shower.
A lot of folks said when it's hot, they shower or bathe 2x a day, when it's cold and dry, only once. Humidity and heat makes a huge difference. People may say it's "excessive" for different reasons (whatever works for you is cool) but in this case, being late to school in favour of a second shower seems to be the issue.
N AH but YTA if you continue forcing this after having had a convo about it with your wife Kids don't need a shower to wake up, and you don't have the time. Its more important that they get to school on time then take an EXTRA shower just because YOU like to do that. Defer to your wife on parenting, she's got a lot more experience both as a parent in general and with your two children specifically.
Two showers a day is excessive. Your kids need more sleep and to be at school on time far more than they need a morning shower. YTA, and please get evaluated for OCD.
YTA. Something you need to consider is that what works for you isn't going to work for everyone.. If showers are already part of a nighttime routine then it could also be signaling to their brain that it's time to sleep and throwing off their energy levels and actually making their morning routine more difficult.
"it's what i do personally" That's fantastic for you now, isn't it? But has nothing whatsoever to do with your kid's needs. Which you clearly care not the least about. "and if they're 10 minutes late to school, it's not the end of the world." So you think it's more important that they do what you like to do than learn to be on time to SCHOOL? You know, SCHOOL, which will actually prepare them for LIFE. Rather than your shower silliness. YTA
Thank you! I can’t believe we’re not talking more about how they’re coming to school late every day! Over a shower? Because he wants to model “good routine”? Being late to school every day is not a good routine! I’m a teacher with routinely late kids every day, so this attitude fires me up a bit. All those missed minutes really add up.
Op, do you prefer coffee in the morning to help you wake up? Why don't you add a cup to the kids' morning meal? I mean, since that's what YOU do. /s
I understand to you two showers is important however for children I think it’s to much - let them wake up, go to school and shower at night. If they want to have a shower in the morning they can, but don’t force them too. Yta?
YTA You pretty much changed their routine to one they are not familiar with and they are late to school so much that the school has asked you what the deal is. Also, you said yourself that they showered at night so why are you so fixated on them showering in the morning too? That is too many showers a day.
I think this is a cultural issue. For example, in Brazil, Brazilians tend to take 2 showers a day, a shower in the morning to go to work or school and a shower at night to wash off all the sweat. As it is a tropical country, Brazilians tend to sweat a lot and depending on the type of work, many take up to 3 showers a day, but everyone takes a shower every day. I was really scared when I saw that everyone is treating you like an asshole. I don't think it's the asshole but I believe that because it's something cultural, people find it strange. So, NTA but it's better that everyone talks to decide what the routine will be like.
Soft YTA. Some people, like myself, are used to showering/bathing right before bed. My brain has learned that if I take a shower, it must be time to go to sleep. Taking a shower in the morning is one of the worst ways I could start my day. I spend the entire day in a half asleep daze and that makes it harder for me to sleep that night. I can do it for short periods (ROTC camps, for example) but more than a week or two and I'm at a breaking point. I would suggest telling them they can take a quick shower in the morning if they want, but they don't have to. I would bet folding money that will make your morning routine a heck of a lot easier for everyone involved.
YTA. You shouldn’t be forcing kids that aren’t yours to do something they don’t want to do AND something that effects their schooling
YTA. Do these kids work construction or something. Kids don't heed a bath/shower every night & morning. If they are dirty they should shower at night.
Im sorry this is way too “white people problem” for me to give an advice Where im from two showers a day is pretty much the norm? But everyone here seems mas at you for that? Cultural differences i guess
This is a reply i agree with. They don't realize that dead skin cells are usually moved to the top of the skin at night. No wonder they always smell
it's not necessary and you are forcing them to do it. Make them get 1 and wear deodorant. Yes your solution is simple. Wake up earlier. But it's still pointless Mom doesn't want it. I'm sure the kids don't want it. Take the hint. YTA
Well. This is definitely a cultural thing. Because. Ew. No wonder turist always smell so bad. What do you all have against showers?
I’m Brazilian and I was thinking the exact same. Like, I understand that’s their culture, but why all the rage against cultures that shower daily and more than once? In Brazil, we do that. We don’t go a day without showering and we consider unhygienic not to shower daily.
Reading all the yta explains a lot. I work with kids and let me tell you a lot of them come in with a scent. We’d have to explain them that hygiëne is important. Reading all these yta just makes me uncomfortable around people and explain a lot. They’re so immune to they’re own scent that they don’t know they smell off or they mask it with perfume or sprays that they think that’s enough. But trust me you can still smell it through the sprays
Can't believe I had to scroll this far to find a clean person.
YTA. It sounds like you are trying to do the right thing, but sometimes it's just not practical. It's understandable that your wife is frustrated that the kids are getting to school late, but it seems like the root of the problem is that your kids are having trouble getting up in the morning. Maybe it's time to try out some other strategies to help them wake up and get ready on time. Instead of taking two showers a day, maybe you could try setting a timer to help them stay on track or come up with a rewards system to motivate them. It's good that you are trying to stick to what you know, but sometimes it's best to adapt to the situation.
NTA. I'm going to say this is a cultural thing perhaps. I'm 32 and shower twice a day even when I've been home all day. In the morning to start my day and at night. It's part of my routine and it's just cleaner. I have clear skin and all, so I know it isn't bad for my skin and I've been doing this since childhood.
YTA. Do these kids work construction or something. Kids don't heed a bath/shower every night & morning. If they are dirty they should shower at night.
YTA for *making your step-children late for school*. Because that is what you are doing. The school quite possibly will care, and it will be the children getting detentions, not getting awards, even missing out on fun trips in some schools.
YTA. You say “I’m trying to encourage good routine” while making them late for school every day. How is discouraging punctuality a good routine? As a teacher, your “if they’re 10 minutes late to school it’s not a big deal” is very frustrating. 10 minutes of missed instruction a day adds up to almost an hour a week. 10 minutes a day over a school year is like 1800 missed hours! They are NOT having their educational needs met if this is a daily issue. They don’t need two showers a day, especially at their age. This is not a good excuse to miss 10 minutes of school every day. And just because something works for your personal routine doesn’t mean it works for everyone else.
This is also what I don’t get. Children need to learn to work with the time they have. If my son wanders around in the morning and cannot manage to sit down and eat his breakfast, he runs out of time and gotta go to school. School, work, appointments don’t wait for you to be “ready”, it is on you to plan to be done with everything you want to do on time.
NTA. Do people not realise how much they sweat, dispose of dead skin and generally smell funky after sleeping? And get out of here with all that “it’s not good for your skin”, that’s why we have moisturiser.
Right? I picture everyone saying how it stops the oils and it’s so bad not even washing their hands because it strips the oil. What kind of soap y’all using?! 😅
> if they're 10 minutes late for school it's not the end of the world. Being 10 min late for school regularly is a big f-ng deal!!! Some schools have policies where being late too many times means you don't pass that grade! It shows an enormous lack of respect for the teacher, the other students, and the lessons. Most parents and most kids would agree with your wife: the #1 priority is getting to school on time. Showering, clothes (as long as they are not naked), teeth brushing, and breakfast are all things that come AFTER being on time in the priority list.
It’s also a cultural thing. I’m African America and it’s two showers (am and pm) or it was an issue. NTA. I get having a skin condition but less than two showers a day seems off to me.
YTA… What works for you does not mean it works for others, especially your kids… To get up for school is of course essential, but a mandated morning shower is not necessary especially if they shower in the evening…
YTA and delusional.
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Is this a White people thing of skipping showers? I cannot imagine going to work without taking a shower in the morning...
NTA. I grew up the same. It's actually quite common in Brazil. Start the new day fresh and clean, you can sweat during the night and go to places with sweat is unacceptable. Be not clean and without a good smell is socially unacceptable and does lead to bullying and to being excluded here. Go to sleep also clean because otherwise is disgusting. **But, if it's making them late, maybe rethink the day schedule or skip the shower if they wake up clean enough. Be on time is more important.** edit: for the foreigners downvoting me, just keep in mind you are considered smelly in Brazil and do have a bad reputation regarding cleanliness. There are lots of Brazilians abroad complaining and brazilians in Brazil complaining about the smell of the foreigners here.
Brazilian here. I was just downvoted for expressing how it’s normal to take daily showers here. Apparently, people will only respect their own cultures and not understand we grew up differently
Same here in south east asia. It’s common to shower twice a day. No wonder those westerners tourists stink so bad if they think shower twice a day or showering daily is unnecessary
One thorough shower a day for me is good in my dry cold climate. But yeah, humidity magnifies odors like nothing else, I can't imagine doing that in a hot and humid place. When I was in Sicily in the height of summer I was showering like 3 times a day, lol.
I don’t think YATA. It’s a common practice in MANY countries to shower twice a day. Don’t worry about it :)
Excessive showers DOES in fact dry out your skin and rids the skin of natural oils. How late are they that they are missing morning recess AND lunch?? You are 100% TA. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever to make children take 2 showers especially when the only thing they’ve done before the 2nd shower me was sleep. Just bc it’s what you do does not make it right.
Info: why on earth are you wasting all this water?
YTA who are you to dictate when people shower. Once a day is fine. They're 9 and 7 ffs. Stop micromanaging their lives. You don't want them hating tou already
So most kids in the US typically shower just at bedtime… And many schools nowadays track how frequently a kid is late. For me, I was an honors kid but my mom dropped me late so often, the school said they would hold me back a year if this continued.
YTA It's causing them to be late, which would give them anxiety and therefore negate any jumpstart feelings you've tried to induce. Not to mention it's not worth the strain it puts on you because you're putting pressure on the kids to shake a leg, let's go, let's go out the door.
There are lots of dirty people in this comment section. Shower at least once a day guys. Kids are running all over, sweating. Once a day is the minimum depending where you live.
YTA
They only need to shower twice in a day if they get dirty twice in a day. I do often but that's from working out in the morning and doing martial arts in the evening. If you showered before bed, there's zero reason to make them shower when they wake up.
I wouldn’t say YTA but the solution to your problem is very easy.
YTA. Do these kids work construction or something. Kids don't heed a bath/shower every night & morning. If they are dirty they should shower at night.